Nacho! Nacho!
Nacho! Nacho! Nacho! Nacho!
For you.
One for you.
For you.
One for you.
How come we can't ever have just, like, a salad?
Be grateful, Juan Pablo.
Today is especially delicious.
Orphans, smile and be happy,
for God has blessed us with a new teacher.
She hails from the Oaxaca Parish Convent
of the Immaculate Heart Sisters Lady Mountains
of Guadalupe.
Sister Encarnación.
Thank you, Brother.
Children, today I want to tell you a story about Isabel.
Okay, new game.
-Go get it! -Hey, that's my ball!
Sister.
I'm Ignacio.
God be with you, Ignacio.
Anyways,
I was wondering if you would like to join me
in my quarters this night for some toast.
Look alive!
There is a man sick with influenza. I need for you to pay him a visit, huh?
-But the sister and I... -You are always complaining
of never having priestly duties.
Here is your big duty, huh?
Go now,
so that Sister and I may talk of holy things.
I like your cow.
Where is he?
Holy Father, please receive this man to your kingdom.
Thank you for coming here today.
This man lived a good life.
He had a wonderful woman,
a lush garden,
and a collection of Russian nesting dolls.
May he rest in peace.
Okay.
Hey!
Ramses...
NEW WRESTLERS TOURNAMENT
GRAND PRIZE $200
ENTER TODAY
Nacho! Nacho! Nacho! Nacho! Nacho!
Okay.
How's it going?
It's very late, Ignacio.
Give me a second.
Good toast.
So,
everyone calls you güero.
My mother was a Lutheran missionary from Scandinavia
and my father, a deacon from Mexico.
They tried to convert each other,
but they got married instead.
And then they died.
So anyways, let's get down to the nitty-gritty.
Tell me,
who is this Encarnación?
Well,
my favorite color is light tan.
My favorite animal is puppies.
I like serving the Lord.
Hiking.
Play volleyball.
You gotta be kidding me.
Everything you just said is my favorite thing to do
every day.
So, you enjoy yourself here at the Brotherhood?
The children, I love the children. They are my heart.
But to tell you the truth,
the brothers make me cook stew and stuff all day,
but they don't give me money for fresh ingredients.
And they don't think I know a buttload of crap about the Gospel, but I do.
Okay?
Today, I saw a man in town.
People were throwing daisies at him and giving him goodies.
Sometimes I would like that kind of respect.
Who was this man?
Well, to tell you the truth, he was a luchador.
Wrestling is ungodly, Ignacio.
People cheer for him, but he is a false idol.
Whatever.
Be patient, Brother.
This, too, shall pass.
What is this?
Leftovers.
Enjoy.
There is no flavor.
There are no spices. Where are the chips?
Somebody stole them.
Did you not tell them that they were the Lord's chips?
I was trying to...
-You are useless, Ignacio. -Silence, Brothers.
This is the worst lunch I ever had.
Your only job is to cook.
Do you not realize I have had diarrhea since Easters?
Okay.
Maybe I am not meant for these duties.
Cooking duty. Dead guy duty.
Maybe it's time for me to get a better duty.
I think your food is good.
I am the gatekeeper of my own destiny,
and I will have my glory day in the hot sun.
Okay?
See you.
Hey! Listen to me! Hey!
Mucho take it easy. I need your help.
Take out the legs!
Listen to me!
Today, I have the chance of a lifetime, but first I need a man.
Get off me!
Don't you see?
Your skills plus my skills in the ring, tag team.
You're crazy!
Aren't you tired of getting dirt kicked in your face?
I am!
Don't you want a little taste of the glory?
See what it tastes like?
No!
lf we win, we get 200 pesos!
Chancho!
Chancho, I need to borrow some sweats.
Are you leaving us?
No, Chancho, I would never leave you.
I just need to borrow some sweats.
NEW WRESTLERS TOURNAMENT
His hair. We bet his hair.
What?
You can take the Stallion.
I'll take the Pony.
I can't wrestle him.
But you are tall and fast like a gazelle. You can do it.
Pray to the Lord for strength.
I don't believe in God, I believe in science.
You have not been baptized?
Hey. How you doing?
He's good.
Hello!
I'm talking to you. I will come.
Save me a piece of that corn.
Save me a piece of that corn for later.
Hey. Take it easy.
Come on, Esqueleto!
Okay.
No problem. We are dancing.
That didn't hurt!
And then I disappear!
Taste it. Yes! I'm going to pull you.
The shoe!
Anaconda squeeze.
Okay.
Nacho! Nacho! Nacho! Nacho! Nacho!
Semental! Semental! Semental! Semental!
Those guys were a couple of wussies, huh?
They scalped my hairs, okay?
-I look hideous. -Come on, baby.
And you gave them permission to hurt me like this.
But I couldn't have anybody see my face, Steven, come on.
Tonight,
I felt something deep inside me,
I've never felt before.
Do you remember that one time
when everyone was shouting my name
and I used my strength to rip my blouse?
Yeah.
And I saw them knock you unconscious, all right?
What's this?
It's money. What did you think?
But we lost.
We all get a piece.
Listen,
the people, they like you guys.
Come back next week, and I will get another fight for you.
Chancho.
When you are a man
sometimes you wear stretchy pants
in your room.
It's for fun.
Don't worry. I won't tell nobody.
I'm a little concerned right now.
About your salvation and stuff.
How come you have not been baptized?
Because I never got around to it, okay?
I don't know why you always have to be judging me
because I only believe in science.
But tonight,
we are going up against Satan's Cavemen.
And I just thought it would be a good idea if you...
Praise the Lord!
Hey, we're not allowed to watch that.
Hey! Hey!
Tag me!
What? What are you doing?
No, no, no, no! No, no!
Ignacio.
No! No, no, no! No, no, no!
What the...
Move!
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Chancho! Put him down!
-Fight! Fight! -Put him down, Chancho! Stop it!
-Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! -Please, stop it!
Break it up! Break it up! Break it up!
What's wrong with you?
But, Sister,
they are just niños trying to release their wiggles.
Ignacio, they are wrestling in a sacred place.
Okay, orphans, listen to me. Listen to Ignacio.
I know it is fun to wrestle.
A nice pile-drive to the face,
or a punch to the face,
but you cannot do it.
Because it is in the Bible not to wrestle your neighbor.
So you've never wrestled?
Me? No, come on. Don't be crazy.
Listen, I know the wrestlers get all the fancy ladies,
and the clothes,
and the free creams and lotions,
but my life is good.
Really good.
I get to wake up every morning at 5:00 a.m. and make some soup.
It's the best. I love it.
I get to lay in a bed by myself all of my life.
It's fantastic.
Go.
Go away!
Read some books!
Have you ever had feelings for a nun?
No way.
There is this nun.
I just wish I could take off this robe so she could see how strong I am.
Well, bring her to our next wrestling match.
Yeah, right.
Then I'll get kicked out of the monastery.
I have an idea.
Tell me.
Take her on a date tonight
and I will bring some of my friends to beat you up,
but we will let you win.
So where are you taking me?
Well, Sister, I saw a bum here today.
There were two bums,
and I said to myself,
''Let's talk to these guys about the Gospel.''
Well, where are they?
I don't see them.
They should be coming by.
Where is your robe, Ignacio?
It was stinky.
But these are my recreation clothes.
-They look expensive. -Thank you.
I mean, yes,
they may have the appearance of riches,
but beneath the clothes, we find a man.
And beneath a man,
we find his nucleus.
-Nucleus? -Yes.
Listen, I don't like the way those guys just looked at you.
Hey! Can't you see this woman's a nun?
And if you guys have a problem with that,
well, you can just fight me.
Okay.
You ready?
You messed with the wrong guy this time.
You ever seen these moves? Huh?
You see these moves? Huh?
You think you gonna... Huh?
-Come on! -This way. I think he's over here.
Surprise.
Get that corn out of my face!
Release! Release!
I looked like a fool last night! What took you so long?
It's no use.
I wanna be a great fighter,
but I can't even beat a couple of guys in the street.
Nacho.
I think I know someone who can help you.
-The Lord? -No.
He's a water gypsy.
He know wheres to find eagle eggs.
Eagle eggs?
I'm not listening to you. You're crazy.
Nacho, I'm telling you. This is for reals.
His eagle eggs possess magical powers.
You could become the greatest fighter who ever lived.
In order for you to become empowered
by the eagle,
you must climb that cliff,
find the egg,
crack open one of them,
and then swallow the yolk.
So, what you're saying to me
is if I can eat this yolk,
my moves will become the best in the whole world.
Definitely.
High five.
-Summon your eagle powers. -What do you think I am doing?
Eagle powers, come to me!
Please!
Tag. Tag! Tag!
Those eggs were a lie, Steven.
A lie!
They gave me no eagle powers!
They gave me no nutrients!
Sorry.
I don't want to get paid to lose.
I want to win!
I need professional help.
I need Ramses.
He's the best.
We need to get in with him and his buddies.
We must learn their ways.
But they are pros. They only hang out with each other.
Then we must go pro!
But going pro is not that easy. It's political, obviously.
My area, amigo.
You see that guy over there?
His name is Señor Ramon.
He's Ramses' manager
and he owns all of the big arenas.
He's having a party tomorrow night.
We need to go and show him we mean business,
that we are ready for the big leagues.
Over there in the tree is a chipmunk nest.
Here we have the corn. The best in the city. It's delicious.
That is where I get the day-old chips, over in a secret place.
And that is a crazy lady.
So now you got a little taste of what I do.
It's pretty dang exciting, huh?
Ramses!
-How do you know him? -He's the best.
No, he's not.
May I have his autograph?
Please?
Okay. Let me see what I can do.
Ramses.
How are you?
Hi.
I was wondering if the children could get a
signature from you and maybe a picture.
Listen, the kids are orphans.
They like you. You are the best.
This party's gonna be crazy.
I mean, we're gonna be pros.
Feel it.
Go on. I made them.
Go lay down.
Ignacio, I've been looking for you.
-Where have you been? -I've been here.
I've been sleeping.
In a frilly shirt and slacks?
They are my PJs.
Can I come in?
No, people might get the wrong idea about you.
Like maybe you are a floozy.
Ignacio, I was in the kitchen
and there's no food for tomorrow's breakfast.
Don't worry, I'll take care of it.
-But when? -Good night.
Hey, let go my blouse.
We are wrestlers, too. We are invited.
-Give me a boost. -Okay.
Hey. What about me?
I don't think I can lift you.
You are too fat.
Good luck.
Señor Ramon.
-Who are you? -I am Esqueleto, the luchador.
Everybody is a luchador, mi amigo.
I think that me and my friend are ready to go pro.
Ramses, would you like to fight this man in the ring?
So you want to make a name for yourself, horseface?
Win the Battle Jam next week.
The winner will fight Ramses in exhibition
in front of 5,000 people.
Then you will be a pro.
I forgive you.
Come here, soldier.
How did you get up here so fast?
Secret tunnels.
Some say wrestlers make bad lovers.
That they save themselves for the ring.
Huh?
I love you.
Sing!
Sing something for Ramses!
Okay, my friend, this one's yours.
What?
This one yours.
I am singing at the party
I am singing
It's my turn to sing at the party
Everyone is dancing
Happy party
But Ramses is not dancing He does not dance at the parties
Ramses is number one He knows the secrets of desire
Ramses is the one He puts the people all on fire
Ramses
Steven!
Come here.
That party was lame.
I hate that place.
Hey!
Take it easy.
It sucks to be me right now!
-How come? -How come you think?
I used to really like Ramses. I wanted to become him.
But it turns out he's a real douche.
Well, win the Battle Jam this week and you can fight him yourself.
Forget it.
What?
Because I can't go on living a lie.
Earth to Steven.
I'm a friar.
I'm not for that world.
The orphans, they need me, and I have forsaken them.
I got no groceries for breakfast because of you!
I'm sick of hearing about your stupid orphans.
-What did you just say? -I hate orphans.
-Say it again to my face. -I hate them!
Come again?
I hate all the orphans in the whole world.
I'm not listening to you.
You only believe in science. That's probably why we never win.
We never win because you are fat.
Buenos días, Sister.
So, what you cooking?
Breakfast.
Ignacio, you have a responsibility to these children.
I know.
Well, where have you been?
I've been gone because I had a lot of church-y opportunities lately,
outside of the orphanage.
Like what? Where were you last night?
To tell you the truth, I went to a wrestling match.
You went to watch a wrestling match?
Kind of.
You are a man of the cloth.
Lucha libre, it's a sin.
But why?
Because those men fight for vanity,
for money,
for false pride.
Yes, it's terrible. Terrible.
But is it always a sin to fight?
No.
lf you fight for something noble,
or for someone who needs your help,
only then will God bless you in battle.
You must pray for forgiveness.
Excuse me, Ignacio.
Precious Father,
why have you given me this desire to wrestle
and then made me such a stinky warrior?
Have I focused too much on my boots and all my fame and my stretchy pants?
Wait a second.
Maybe you want me to fight and give everything I win
to the little ones who have nothing
so they can have better foods and a better life.
Yeah, maybe that.
Okay, if I win tonight at the Battle Jam,
I will know that you bless my mission
and that you want me to be a wrestling servant of you.
I smell cookies.
Flame! Flame!
No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no!
Roll, you fool!
Flame, flame, flame!
Yes, it's true!
I am Nacho, the luchador.
Who?
Maybe you have seen me on TV.
Nacho!
No. This is forbidden.
I knew it.
He is not a man of God.
Tonight,
I will fight the seven strongest men in town,
maybe the world,
and I will win
because our Heavenly Father will be in the ring with me.
And he and I will win 10,000 pesos.
And with it,
I will buy the orphans a big bus
to go on field trips to parks and places like that.
I'm serious!
Nipple twist!
You can't win them all.
Nacho!
Where are you going?
There is no place for me in this world, Chanchito.
I don't belong out there
and I don't belong in here,
so I'm going into the wilderness,
probably to die.
Well, you might need this.
My mother gave it to me before she died.
It was her lucky machete. You can have it.
I hope to see you again, little Chancho.
Maybe in the next life.
How did you find me here?
I saw you from the village.
I have some news.
Silencio isn't going to be able to fight Ramses.
He got injured.
Silencio bruised his bunions.
They are swollen really hard.
He's not gonna be able to fight tonight.
You were second place.
You get to fight Ramses.
But I have given up wrestling.
Nacho, you are a great fighter.
And you got something none of these guys have.
The childrens need a real hero.
But I thought you hated all the orphans in the whole world.
Not anymore.
I like them.
And they need you, Nacho.
Okay.
Dear Sister, I know you probably hate my guts by now
and already believe that I must have died long ago in the wilderness.
But you are wrong, I'm still alive.
Tonight I'll be fighting the greatest wrestler who ever lived,
the great Ramses.
I know you don't like wrestling,
but know that I am leaving all my monies to the orphans.
And if I die in the ring, know that I always loved you as a brother in God.
Ignacio.
P.S. lf we didn't end up taking our vows of celibacy,
we could maybe get married and have a family with some niños.
But, you know, whatever.
Hug, hug, kiss, kiss,
hug, hug, big kiss,
little hug, kiss, kiss, little kiss.
Ramses is the number one.
His legs are number one.
His eyes are number one.
His muscles are number one.
Ramses is the number one.
While I was in the wilderness
I wrote a song for Encarnación
in my mind.
-Shall I sing it for you? -Sure.
When the fantasy has ended
And all the children are gone
Something good inside me
Helps me to carry on
I ate some bugs I ate some grass
I used my hand To wipe my tears
To kiss your mouth I'd break my vow
No, no, no No, no, no way, José
Unless you want to
Then we'd break our vows together
Encarnación
They are ready for you now.
Nacho! Nacho! Nacho!
Maybe we should pray.
Dear Lord, please bless Nacho with nutrients and strength.
-Amen. -Amen.
Ramses! Ramses! Ramses! Ramses!
Ramses! Ramses!
High five.
Take it easy.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Nacho! Nacho! Nacho! Nacho!
Nacho! Nacho!
Okay. Vertebrae kick!
Timber!
I did it!
Hey! We did it!
Yes!
-Yes! -Yes!
Yes!