0 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:20,000 1 00:01:27,045 --> 00:01:31,550 Bull's-eye, yeah. 2 00:01:31,717 --> 00:01:34,303 Here, have a swig, man. - No, it's okay. Thanks. 3 00:01:34,469 --> 00:01:36,722 Come on, it's just beer, you pussy, have a drink. 4 00:01:36,889 --> 00:01:41,310 All right, fine. 5 00:01:43,228 --> 00:01:47,733 I love beer. - Yeah, I can tell. 6 00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:52,237 I thought I told you to ditch all this monster movie crap. 7 00:01:52,404 --> 00:01:55,324 What's wrong with it? - Jesus, Jeff. 8 00:01:55,490 --> 00:01:56,825 When are you gonna grow up? 9 00:01:56,992 --> 00:01:58,202 Getting you laid is hard enough 10 00:01:58,368 --> 00:02:01,997 without having to explain the whole Bruce Campbell factor. 11 00:02:02,164 --> 00:02:05,501 What's wrong with Bruce Campbell? 12 00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:07,503 Death of the Dead? 13 00:02:07,669 --> 00:02:10,380 Maniac Cop? 14 00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:14,968 Moonwarp? 15 00:02:16,428 --> 00:02:20,015 Bruce Campbell is the greatest actor of his generation! 16 00:02:20,182 --> 00:02:22,184 Man with the Screaming Brain. 17 00:02:22,351 --> 00:02:23,435 Alien Apocalypse. 18 00:02:23,602 --> 00:02:26,146 Oh, here's a good one, Cave Alien. 19 00:02:26,313 --> 00:02:27,689 That is a good one! 20 00:02:27,856 --> 00:02:30,192 Yeah, "Bruce Campbell is Lieutenant Jack Stryker, 21 00:02:30,359 --> 00:02:34,613 "a rogue clone warrior and mankind's last hope against the deadly cave aliens. " 22 00:02:34,780 --> 00:02:36,406 Yeah. So? 23 00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:40,285 Dude, forget thumbs, Ebert wouldn't wipe his crack with this trash. 24 00:02:40,452 --> 00:02:41,495 Get out of the car. 25 00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:44,164 What? - You don't like Bruce, you walk! 26 00:02:44,331 --> 00:02:47,042 Hey, take it easy, man. 27 00:02:47,209 --> 00:02:49,878 Besides, I kind of liked Bubba Ho-tep. 28 00:02:50,045 --> 00:02:52,422 Everyone liked Bubba Ho-tep! 29 00:02:52,589 --> 00:02:56,260 Calm down. 30 00:02:56,426 --> 00:02:59,721 Okay. All right, fine. 31 00:02:59,888 --> 00:03:04,309 Now, can we please go get laid? - All right. 32 00:03:35,924 --> 00:03:40,429 Holy shit. 33 00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:43,891 Boo! 34 00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:44,975 Dick! 35 00:03:45,142 --> 00:03:47,853 Dude, just fucking with you. Come on. 36 00:03:48,020 --> 00:03:52,441 What the hell? 37 00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:14,129 You scream like a girl. 38 00:04:14,296 --> 00:04:16,215 Jeff, Little Debbie. 39 00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:17,466 Hey. 40 00:04:17,633 --> 00:04:20,177 Clayton, Big Debbie. 41 00:04:20,344 --> 00:04:22,429 Hey. - Hey. 42 00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:26,975 Come on, let's go check out this creepy graveyard. 43 00:04:27,142 --> 00:04:29,937 When I told the mascara queen about this old graveyard, 44 00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:32,856 she practically dry humped me on the spot. Yeah. 45 00:04:33,023 --> 00:04:36,318 She's sort of cute. - Yeah. Don't worry, hard on. 46 00:04:36,485 --> 00:04:37,778 Morticia's all yours. 47 00:04:37,945 --> 00:04:42,366 I'm gonna go practice my human fly on little Miss Skyscraper over there. 48 00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:53,544 Hey. - Hi. 49 00:04:53,710 --> 00:04:57,297 They look ancient, historic. 50 00:04:57,464 --> 00:05:01,718 Yeah, these graves have been around since the cave-in of... 51 00:05:01,885 --> 00:05:03,554 A long time ago. 52 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:07,683 Must have meant a lot to these people. 53 00:05:07,850 --> 00:05:11,478 Let's break something. 54 00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:13,522 As long as it's not my heart. 55 00:05:13,689 --> 00:05:15,566 What do you say? Give me some sugar, baby. 56 00:05:15,732 --> 00:05:18,360 What? - Hey, look. 57 00:05:18,527 --> 00:05:21,029 We can play the hard to get all night, 58 00:05:21,196 --> 00:05:25,701 but if this game's called eye-tag, your lips say I'm it. 59 00:05:31,957 --> 00:05:34,668 Your loss, baby. 60 00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:39,256 Your loss. 61 00:05:40,966 --> 00:05:45,137 So, why haven't I seen you around school? 62 00:05:45,304 --> 00:05:48,807 That's 'cause I'm never there. - Cool. 63 00:05:48,974 --> 00:05:52,060 You seeing anybody? - No. 64 00:05:52,227 --> 00:05:56,648 Cool. 65 00:06:28,013 --> 00:06:32,518 Groovy. 66 00:06:35,854 --> 00:06:40,359 Christ! Shit! 67 00:06:44,029 --> 00:06:46,990 Run! Get the hell out of here! 68 00:06:47,157 --> 00:06:51,578 Freak. 69 00:06:59,211 --> 00:07:01,421 Shit, Clayton, run! 70 00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:06,009 Yeah, right, Romeo. 71 00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:19,398 Shit! 72 00:07:19,565 --> 00:07:23,986 What's up with that fucking lightning? - That's heat lightning, baby. 73 00:07:36,081 --> 00:07:40,502 Jeff, don't leave me! - Come on, Clayton, run! 74 00:07:40,669 --> 00:07:43,297 Jeff! Jeff, don't leave me, man! 75 00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:44,840 Come on, man! 76 00:07:45,007 --> 00:07:49,428 Don't fucking leave me! 77 00:07:50,429 --> 00:07:54,558 No! No! 78 00:07:54,725 --> 00:07:59,146 Shit! 79 00:08:04,902 --> 00:08:09,406 What did I do? 80 00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:18,457 Hold it right there. 81 00:08:18,624 --> 00:08:22,503 What's wrong with you, Stryker? We've got the cave alien cornered. 82 00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:25,589 Okay, so transmit the scans up to Delta Baker, 83 00:08:25,756 --> 00:08:28,175 plant some bio blasters and send out for Chinese. 84 00:08:28,342 --> 00:08:31,220 Colonel Parker's still trapped down there. - Cry me a river, toots. 85 00:08:31,386 --> 00:08:35,807 Last time I ran into Colonel Parker, he had me in front of a firing squad! 86 00:08:36,475 --> 00:08:37,726 Coward! 87 00:08:37,893 --> 00:08:41,772 I should have left you on Regula Nine. 88 00:08:41,939 --> 00:08:44,316 You know you couldn't do that, baby. 89 00:08:44,483 --> 00:08:46,735 Yeah. That's right. 90 00:08:46,902 --> 00:08:51,281 You knew they built me out of your old man's DNA, don't you? 91 00:08:51,406 --> 00:08:54,993 So I say we keep in the family and start swapping some spit, ASAP. 92 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:57,496 You're disgusting. - I'm a man. 93 00:08:57,663 --> 00:09:02,084 And I've wanted to do this ever since we landed on this rock. 94 00:09:15,597 --> 00:09:18,433 Damn it! We're surrounded! 95 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,352 Behind you! Look out! 96 00:09:20,519 --> 00:09:24,106 Get down! 97 00:09:24,273 --> 00:09:28,694 Watch out, watch out! Take him out! Take him out! 98 00:09:28,861 --> 00:09:33,365 Can't you die? 99 00:09:40,539 --> 00:09:42,082 Cut! Cut! 100 00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:46,670 Cut! 101 00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:55,804 Dude, light me, don't fight me. - Hey, bite me. 102 00:09:57,556 --> 00:09:59,099 Bruce, that was sweet. 103 00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:01,560 Don't you think it was just, I don't know, a little over the top? 104 00:10:01,727 --> 00:10:04,313 No, no, no. It was very Caligula meets The Apple Dumpling Gang. 105 00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:05,689 That's not an answer. 106 00:10:05,856 --> 00:10:10,277 It was perfect for Cave Alien 2. Moving on! 107 00:10:11,737 --> 00:10:15,324 Hey, Tiny, fetch me another lemon water, will you? 108 00:10:15,490 --> 00:10:18,368 They just ran out, man. - Well, then, dude, you run out, capiche? 109 00:10:18,535 --> 00:10:22,956 Come on, now. 110 00:10:24,583 --> 00:10:26,376 Nice job, baby. 111 00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:28,670 I'll tell you, what a relief, on these down-and-dirty shows, 112 00:10:28,837 --> 00:10:30,005 to be working with a pro. 113 00:10:30,172 --> 00:10:34,593 I wouldn't know. 114 00:10:35,594 --> 00:10:36,762 Good. 115 00:10:36,929 --> 00:10:41,350 God damn it. "Get me some lemon water. Give me some sugar, baby. " 116 00:10:43,519 --> 00:10:46,355 Perfect. 117 00:10:46,522 --> 00:10:49,942 Get a load of this, bitch. 118 00:10:50,108 --> 00:10:53,362 Hey, I know this bar off Cahuenga where the drinks are cheap, 119 00:10:53,529 --> 00:10:57,866 and, well, I'll be there. 120 00:10:58,033 --> 00:10:59,409 Hello? 121 00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:01,703 Oh, hello. 122 00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:04,039 No, you're not interrupting anything. 123 00:11:04,206 --> 00:11:05,874 At least think it over. 124 00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:08,502 Mr. Campbell, that refreshing lemon water you asked for, sir. 125 00:11:08,669 --> 00:11:10,337 Thanks. 126 00:11:10,504 --> 00:11:13,590 Hey. 127 00:11:13,757 --> 00:11:15,759 This is warm. - Sir, I'm sorry. 128 00:11:15,926 --> 00:11:18,887 I'll make sure you get an ice-cold case of it in your trailer by the morning. 129 00:11:19,054 --> 00:11:20,722 All right. 130 00:11:20,889 --> 00:11:24,810 You're lucky. See to it. 131 00:11:24,977 --> 00:11:29,398 Man, that's good. 132 00:11:32,317 --> 00:11:33,402 Boo. 133 00:11:33,569 --> 00:11:37,990 You're on. 134 00:11:39,658 --> 00:11:42,578 Hey, guys, how you doing? Here you go. One for you. One for you. 135 00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:44,162 Mr. Campbell? Mr. Campbell? - Yeah. 136 00:11:44,329 --> 00:11:46,832 When you were in Army of Darkness, when you were stuck down in the pit, 137 00:11:46,999 --> 00:11:48,166 how did you get your shotgun back? 138 00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:49,626 Talk to the writer, man, I don't know. 139 00:11:49,793 --> 00:11:51,420 Hey, when you worked with Ellen, did it turn you gay? 140 00:11:51,587 --> 00:11:53,046 No, but your stupid question did. 141 00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:54,631 Why did you do Serving Sara? 142 00:11:54,798 --> 00:11:59,928 Why did I do Serving Sara? For the money, mouth breather, why else? 143 00:12:00,095 --> 00:12:03,891 For the love of God, what is that stench? 144 00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:07,477 Here, it's called deodorant. Look it up on your Internets. 145 00:12:07,644 --> 00:12:10,230 See you, boys. Late for a soirée. 146 00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,316 Hey, Mr. Campbell? - Yeah. 147 00:12:12,482 --> 00:12:16,445 Give me your autograph. 148 00:12:16,612 --> 00:12:21,033 Got a pen? - Why, you ain't got no pen? 149 00:12:22,743 --> 00:12:25,662 What's your name? - Gerard. 150 00:12:25,829 --> 00:12:28,123 Okay. 151 00:12:28,290 --> 00:12:29,499 Here you go, Gerard. Have a good one, buddy. 152 00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:34,087 Yeah, hey, hey, hey. That's Gerard with a "G." 153 00:12:38,342 --> 00:12:39,801 Here you go, Gerard. Have a good one, buddy. 154 00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:45,015 Yeah, hey, Mr. Campbell, come on. You got a more recent picture than this? 155 00:12:45,182 --> 00:12:46,391 Let me ask you something. 156 00:12:46,558 --> 00:12:48,101 Ever see Rawhide? - Yeah. 157 00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:49,478 You like it? - Yeah. 158 00:12:49,645 --> 00:12:51,855 Well, then you know you gotta keep them doggies rolling. 159 00:12:52,022 --> 00:12:54,358 Hey! 160 00:12:54,525 --> 00:12:58,946 Freak. 161 00:13:21,844 --> 00:13:25,389 Nice rack. 162 00:13:25,556 --> 00:13:28,892 All right! 163 00:13:29,059 --> 00:13:33,230 Yeah, baby! 164 00:13:33,397 --> 00:13:36,733 Yo, baby cakes, how about a bourbon with a loaded revolver back? 165 00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:41,321 How about you wait your turn, jerk? 166 00:13:41,780 --> 00:13:45,742 There's more where that came from. Okay. All right. That's it. 167 00:13:45,909 --> 00:13:50,330 Good girl. 168 00:13:50,622 --> 00:13:55,043 You. You, give me some sugar, baby. You. 169 00:13:55,210 --> 00:13:56,545 Okay. 170 00:13:56,712 --> 00:13:58,213 Huh? 171 00:13:58,380 --> 00:14:00,924 How you doing? - Good. Good. 172 00:14:01,091 --> 00:14:02,384 Hey, good news. - Yeah? 173 00:14:02,551 --> 00:14:04,761 Yeah, I made the trades today. 174 00:14:04,928 --> 00:14:06,388 Really? - Yeah, check the obituaries. 175 00:14:06,555 --> 00:14:08,849 You'll find my career there. 176 00:14:09,016 --> 00:14:11,476 You know, Bruce, I just talked to the studio. 177 00:14:11,643 --> 00:14:15,355 They saw the dailies for Cave Alien 2. They said you have never been better. 178 00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:17,900 Yeah, that's because unlike most action stars, 179 00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:20,986 I can speak... What's the word? English. 180 00:14:21,153 --> 00:14:23,197 Will that be cash? - Oh, yeah, that'll be cash, all right. 181 00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:26,074 My friend and agent, Mr. Mills Toddner, here will take care of that. 182 00:14:26,241 --> 00:14:28,660 That's perfect. You keep the change. Don't be a stranger. 183 00:14:28,827 --> 00:14:31,496 Sure, it's a special occasion. - Yeah, it's a special occasion. 184 00:14:31,663 --> 00:14:33,957 It's the night I fire your polyester ass. 185 00:14:34,124 --> 00:14:37,127 Bruce, I'm sensing a little hostility coming this way. 186 00:14:37,294 --> 00:14:39,004 Yeah? You think so? Maybe that's because I've spent 187 00:14:39,171 --> 00:14:43,425 the last six days of my life making a sequel to one of the crappiest movies ever. 188 00:14:43,592 --> 00:14:45,886 You make lots of crappy movies. - Oh, that doesn't help. 189 00:14:46,053 --> 00:14:47,638 Liquor! Liquor, please! 190 00:14:47,804 --> 00:14:50,849 Look, the customer reviews on Amazon were great. 191 00:14:51,016 --> 00:14:53,644 Yeah, the ones you posted. 192 00:14:53,810 --> 00:14:57,481 BC, I sense that you wanna unload. 193 00:14:57,648 --> 00:15:01,109 I sense that you have a lot on your mind. 194 00:15:01,276 --> 00:15:05,113 So, I'm here. Give it to me. 195 00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:07,616 It's just that I think that... 196 00:15:07,783 --> 00:15:12,204 Excuse me. Gotta take this. 197 00:15:21,171 --> 00:15:23,841 Go on. I'm sorry. 198 00:15:24,007 --> 00:15:27,970 It's just that I think I'm losing my muse. Do you know what I mean? 199 00:15:28,136 --> 00:15:32,391 The childlike, innocent quality that all great artists tap to create. 200 00:15:32,558 --> 00:15:37,145 Now, if an actor's life is like a painting, then it's a work in progress. 201 00:15:37,312 --> 00:15:41,650 But how can I create my great masterpiece if my paint is drying up, 202 00:15:41,817 --> 00:15:42,985 my canvas is cracked 203 00:15:43,151 --> 00:15:46,321 and all my brushes are covered with a fake monster blood? 204 00:15:46,488 --> 00:15:47,739 It's Cheryl, isn't it? - No. 205 00:15:47,906 --> 00:15:49,074 It's Cheryl. - I said no. 206 00:15:49,241 --> 00:15:51,118 You can't stop thinking about her. - If I say no three times, 207 00:15:51,285 --> 00:15:52,452 will the Candyman come out? 208 00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:54,872 You were fired before, you're twice as fired now. 209 00:15:55,038 --> 00:15:59,459 Okay, you'll never know what I got you for your birthday. 210 00:15:59,626 --> 00:16:02,004 My birthday? 211 00:16:02,171 --> 00:16:03,964 You actually remembered my birthday? 212 00:16:04,131 --> 00:16:07,176 Compadre, hello. Loco. 213 00:16:07,342 --> 00:16:11,763 I am your agent. You are my number one client. 214 00:16:12,723 --> 00:16:15,767 If this is another Matthew Perry movie... - Better. 215 00:16:15,934 --> 00:16:17,853 Give me a hint. - But you fired me so... 216 00:16:18,020 --> 00:16:21,231 God damn it, Mills! Just tell me. 217 00:16:21,398 --> 00:16:22,399 Okay. 218 00:16:22,566 --> 00:16:27,821 Let's just say this is gonna be the best birthday present you've ever had. 219 00:16:27,988 --> 00:16:29,114 Nice. - You're crazy. 220 00:16:29,281 --> 00:16:30,741 No, you are. - We're celebrating. 221 00:16:30,908 --> 00:16:33,702 I love you, man. How about it? 222 00:16:33,869 --> 00:16:35,204 Excuse me. I gotta take this. Sorry. 223 00:16:35,370 --> 00:16:39,791 Hello? 224 00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:44,755 Movie. Movie, movie. 225 00:16:54,139 --> 00:16:56,725 This bean curd's kind of watery and gross. 226 00:16:56,892 --> 00:16:58,810 Well, you did get the winning goal, didn't you? 227 00:16:58,977 --> 00:17:01,271 Yeah. - Finish your bean curd. 228 00:17:01,438 --> 00:17:05,859 It's still gross. 229 00:17:07,819 --> 00:17:12,324 What was that, Mom? - I'm not sure, Skippy. You stay here. 230 00:17:34,179 --> 00:17:38,684 Must die! 231 00:17:48,694 --> 00:17:53,198 Sorry. 232 00:18:06,211 --> 00:18:08,088 I don't know why I'm complaining. 233 00:18:08,255 --> 00:18:10,424 I'm a lucky guy. 234 00:18:10,591 --> 00:18:14,303 I've got my health. 235 00:18:14,469 --> 00:18:16,054 Jesus! 236 00:18:16,221 --> 00:18:18,015 My divorce is final. 237 00:18:18,182 --> 00:18:20,058 Lousy whore. 238 00:18:20,225 --> 00:18:24,396 And I got my loyal fans, who hated my last movie. 239 00:18:24,563 --> 00:18:27,149 Hated my last five movies. Yeah. 240 00:18:27,316 --> 00:18:31,737 Me and my wonderful, wonderful fans. 241 00:18:59,598 --> 00:19:04,102 That was easy. 242 00:19:09,274 --> 00:19:11,360 Hey, buddy. 243 00:19:11,527 --> 00:19:13,529 Hey, little Sam'n Rob. 244 00:19:13,695 --> 00:19:17,115 Come here, boy. Come on. 245 00:19:17,282 --> 00:19:21,370 What's the matter? 246 00:19:21,537 --> 00:19:23,830 You thought I forgot about you, didn't you, huh? 247 00:19:23,997 --> 00:19:26,208 Time for some hooch. Come on! 248 00:19:26,375 --> 00:19:30,796 Hooch for the pooch. 249 00:19:32,673 --> 00:19:37,177 There you go. And some for Dad. 250 00:19:42,182 --> 00:19:46,687 What's on the boob tube? 251 00:19:48,981 --> 00:19:54,486 And now part nine of an ongoing, exclusive, investigative series. 252 00:19:54,653 --> 00:19:56,572 Oh, who wants to watch that horseshit? 253 00:19:56,738 --> 00:19:58,615 Next, we take a scary look 254 00:19:58,782 --> 00:20:02,578 at the life and times of B-movie horror star Bruce Campbell. 255 00:20:02,744 --> 00:20:04,454 Hey, I know that guy. 256 00:20:04,621 --> 00:20:07,833 Yeah, that's entertainment. I'll drink to that. 257 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:11,712 Campbell, best known for his parts in the horrific Evil Dead films, 258 00:20:11,879 --> 00:20:16,216 appears to have disappeared from the entertainment scene. 259 00:20:16,383 --> 00:20:17,342 What? 260 00:20:17,509 --> 00:20:21,054 Tonight, our "Where Are They Now" reporter, Charlie Payne, 261 00:20:21,221 --> 00:20:22,764 takes an affectionate look back 262 00:20:22,931 --> 00:20:27,477 on a promising career that many feel was squandered on low-budget trash. 263 00:20:27,644 --> 00:20:32,107 You shut your face. 264 00:20:34,484 --> 00:20:38,989 They're treating me like I'm a has-been! 265 00:20:41,241 --> 00:20:45,746 Like I'm... Like I'm all washed up. 266 00:20:50,042 --> 00:20:54,546 They're trying to make me look pathetic. Yeah, they are. Not me. 267 00:20:55,339 --> 00:20:59,843 Not me! 268 00:21:11,396 --> 00:21:15,901 Oh, God. 269 00:21:17,736 --> 00:21:22,241 Hello? - Hello, Cheryl. It's me. 270 00:21:23,242 --> 00:21:28,080 Bruce, what now? - Oh, I was just, you know, 271 00:21:28,247 --> 00:21:31,124 celebrating the almost wrap of my latest movie. 272 00:21:31,291 --> 00:21:34,169 You know, just one more day. 273 00:21:34,336 --> 00:21:37,339 You got into the dog's bowl again, didn't you? 274 00:21:37,506 --> 00:21:40,676 Shut up, you selfish mutt! 275 00:21:40,843 --> 00:21:42,553 It's your birthday, isn't it? 276 00:21:42,719 --> 00:21:46,515 Every year, it's the same old "poor me" routine. 277 00:21:46,682 --> 00:21:50,394 Oh, come on, can't a guy get bombed and call his ex-wife at 3:00 in the morning 278 00:21:50,561 --> 00:21:52,771 without it meaning something? 279 00:21:52,938 --> 00:21:55,899 Bruce, I talked to Mills today. 280 00:21:56,066 --> 00:21:58,944 Yeah? What did old "Ten Percent" have to say? 281 00:21:59,111 --> 00:22:02,406 Oh, just that you were depressed. 282 00:22:02,573 --> 00:22:05,367 So he's planning something special for your birthday. 283 00:22:05,534 --> 00:22:08,203 Yeah? Did he say what? 284 00:22:08,370 --> 00:22:09,872 No, no. It's a surprise. 285 00:22:10,038 --> 00:22:14,459 Oh, come on, Cheryl. Tell me. Tell me, please, please, Cheryl. 286 00:22:14,626 --> 00:22:18,297 I'm hanging up. - No, no, no, don't. Don't, baby! 287 00:22:18,463 --> 00:22:20,215 I'm sorry. 288 00:22:20,382 --> 00:22:23,218 How did things get so messed up between us? 289 00:22:23,385 --> 00:22:24,344 Oh... 290 00:22:24,511 --> 00:22:27,014 You slept with the dog sitter, Bruce. 291 00:22:27,181 --> 00:22:29,183 One lousy mistake. 292 00:22:29,349 --> 00:22:32,352 All of them. - Okay, 12 lousy mistakes. 293 00:22:32,519 --> 00:22:36,940 But come on, baby. I was confused then. I'm fine now. 294 00:22:37,316 --> 00:22:40,736 God, I miss you and the kids. 295 00:22:40,903 --> 00:22:42,446 What kids? 296 00:22:42,613 --> 00:22:45,365 The ones we would have had if you'd just hung on! 297 00:22:45,532 --> 00:22:47,826 You wanna know the truth about us, Bruce? 298 00:22:47,993 --> 00:22:50,829 It wasn't the cheating, or the boozing, 299 00:22:50,996 --> 00:22:54,249 or even the endless whining that killed our marriage. 300 00:22:54,416 --> 00:22:55,918 You just couldn't commit, 301 00:22:56,084 --> 00:23:00,297 to your career, to our relationship, to much of anything. 302 00:23:00,464 --> 00:23:04,885 So, the cheating, boozing and endless whining were okay? 303 00:23:10,390 --> 00:23:13,852 Who was that, baby? - Oh, nobody. 304 00:23:14,019 --> 00:23:18,607 Come on, Millsy, introduce me to big Jim one more time. 305 00:23:18,774 --> 00:23:23,237 I already set up the meeting. 306 00:23:24,321 --> 00:23:28,825 Let me make a call. 307 00:23:36,917 --> 00:23:39,962 What could you possibly want at 4:30 in the morning? 308 00:23:40,128 --> 00:23:43,465 Mr. Campbell, we need your help. - I need my sleep. 309 00:23:43,632 --> 00:23:46,802 Sir, Gold Lick needs you. 310 00:23:46,969 --> 00:23:49,888 A group of teenagers unwittingly unleashed Guan-Di, 311 00:23:50,055 --> 00:23:52,891 the Chinese god of war and protector of the dead. 312 00:23:53,058 --> 00:23:56,061 And unless you help us stop him, he will kill every one of us. 313 00:23:56,228 --> 00:23:59,481 Okay, settle down. I'm gonna give you some advice, okay? 314 00:23:59,648 --> 00:24:02,484 Keep it under a-million-and-half, get one name actor, 315 00:24:02,651 --> 00:24:05,737 and if you go straight to DVD, you might break even. 316 00:24:05,904 --> 00:24:08,490 Now, fuck off! - Mr. Campbell! 317 00:24:08,657 --> 00:24:12,286 Oh, man, I've heard some lame pitches in my day, 318 00:24:12,452 --> 00:24:16,874 but that takes the cake. 319 00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:21,545 I said get lost, you little... 320 00:24:23,505 --> 00:24:28,010 Huh. A quarter. 321 00:25:33,075 --> 00:25:35,577 What the hell? 322 00:25:35,744 --> 00:25:39,081 Hey! Hey, let me out of here! 323 00:25:39,248 --> 00:25:41,250 Mr. Campbell, are you okay? 324 00:25:41,416 --> 00:25:44,878 Who... Who are you? - This is Jeff. 325 00:25:45,045 --> 00:25:49,383 Look, I'm sorry about the whole baseball bat thing. 326 00:25:49,550 --> 00:25:53,971 Look, I left some Twinkies back there. 327 00:25:54,137 --> 00:25:57,891 And there's a flashlight next to the spare. 328 00:25:58,058 --> 00:26:02,479 Oh, I also left an empty bottle back there, if you need to, you know... 329 00:26:04,189 --> 00:26:07,943 Look, Mr. Campbell, I know you're probably tired and sore, 330 00:26:08,110 --> 00:26:10,487 and suffering from a concussion, 331 00:26:10,654 --> 00:26:14,116 but is it true you're making a sequel to Cave Alien? 332 00:26:14,283 --> 00:26:18,620 Oh, my God. He's a fan. 333 00:26:18,787 --> 00:26:20,956 It finally happened. 334 00:26:21,123 --> 00:26:24,626 Help! Help! 335 00:26:24,793 --> 00:26:28,714 Oh, for God's sake, kid, at least go easy on the bumps! 336 00:26:28,881 --> 00:26:33,302 I'm sorry, Mr. Campbell, I'll do my best. 337 00:26:47,900 --> 00:26:50,819 Gin. - Dang it. 338 00:26:50,986 --> 00:26:53,655 That's three in a row, Edna. 339 00:26:53,822 --> 00:26:57,492 What was that, Hank? - I don't know. 340 00:26:57,659 --> 00:27:02,080 Sounded like something out by the barn. 341 00:27:11,715 --> 00:27:13,509 You close that door. You lock it. 342 00:27:13,675 --> 00:27:15,552 But, Hank, what if you need to come back in? 343 00:27:15,719 --> 00:27:20,140 You just close that door, and don't open it, no matter what you hear! 344 00:27:29,983 --> 00:27:33,529 Oh, Lord! Lord! 345 00:27:33,695 --> 00:27:36,823 Open the door! Open the door, Edna! 346 00:27:36,990 --> 00:27:39,618 But, Hank, you said don't open the door! 347 00:27:39,785 --> 00:27:42,079 For Christ's sake, woman, we've been married for 35 years! 348 00:27:42,246 --> 00:27:45,874 Open the goddamn door! 349 00:27:46,041 --> 00:27:47,793 Got you! 350 00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:50,337 There weren't nothing out there. I was just funning with you. 351 00:27:50,504 --> 00:27:54,508 You old fool, I can't believe you got me like that. 352 00:27:54,675 --> 00:27:59,096 You should have seen the look on your face. 353 00:28:09,439 --> 00:28:11,775 "Hey, Luigi, paint the sign. " 354 00:28:11,942 --> 00:28:14,820 I tell you something, you paint the damn sign. 355 00:28:14,987 --> 00:28:19,408 But I do. 356 00:28:22,119 --> 00:28:26,623 Hmm. 357 00:28:35,674 --> 00:28:40,179 I paint a beauty sign. 358 00:29:10,292 --> 00:29:15,506 Hip-hip hurray! Hip-hip hurray! Hip-hip hurray! 359 00:29:15,672 --> 00:29:18,800 Welcome to Gold Lick, Mr. Campbell! 360 00:29:18,967 --> 00:29:22,304 Gold Lick? Where the fuck is Gold Lick? - Hey, easy, man. That's the mayor. 361 00:29:22,471 --> 00:29:24,681 I don't give a shit if he's the king of kiss-my-assy. 362 00:29:24,848 --> 00:29:29,394 I just spent the last six hours in a trunk and I want some answers chop-chop, and I... 363 00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:40,864 Well, hello. 364 00:29:41,990 --> 00:29:45,869 Consider yourself officially exempt from my wrath, sweet cakes. 365 00:29:46,036 --> 00:29:49,540 And if you're lucky, a little later, I'll let you play with my boom stick. 366 00:29:49,706 --> 00:29:51,208 What? 367 00:29:51,375 --> 00:29:56,755 Now, I don't imagine you get moving pictures here in this farthole, 368 00:29:56,922 --> 00:29:58,882 so let me explain something. 369 00:29:59,049 --> 00:30:00,801 What you just did, 370 00:30:00,968 --> 00:30:04,096 you just kidnapped a movie star, you got that? 371 00:30:04,263 --> 00:30:06,765 So you didn't just commit a crime against me, 372 00:30:06,932 --> 00:30:09,017 which was pretty freaking huge! 373 00:30:09,184 --> 00:30:12,020 You committed a crime against art itself. 374 00:30:12,187 --> 00:30:16,942 In fact, I was due back on the set of my latest motion picture hours ago, 375 00:30:17,109 --> 00:30:18,986 and you can bet your bottom dollar 376 00:30:19,152 --> 00:30:23,198 they're gonna be doing everything they can to get me back. 377 00:30:23,365 --> 00:30:26,451 What are we waiting for? 378 00:30:26,618 --> 00:30:30,539 A- hole Campbell didn't show up. On to plan B, my friend. 379 00:30:30,706 --> 00:30:33,208 Okay, people, big energy. Let's go! 380 00:30:33,375 --> 00:30:37,796 Action! 381 00:30:38,046 --> 00:30:42,509 That's good. 382 00:30:42,676 --> 00:30:46,555 So as much as I'd love to hang around here 383 00:30:46,722 --> 00:30:49,933 until the FBI rips you grit-eaters a new one... 384 00:30:50,100 --> 00:30:54,229 Mr. Campbell, I don't understand. Your agent said you were free. 385 00:30:54,396 --> 00:30:56,356 What does my agent have to do with any of this? 386 00:30:56,523 --> 00:31:00,652 Well, he just said not to book you on your birthday, or something like that. 387 00:31:00,819 --> 00:31:05,240 My birthday? 388 00:31:05,741 --> 00:31:10,245 My birthday. 389 00:31:10,787 --> 00:31:12,372 My birthday, that's it. 390 00:31:12,539 --> 00:31:14,416 Mills, you magnificent bastard. 391 00:31:14,583 --> 00:31:18,587 When you said there was a surprise in store, holy moley... 392 00:31:18,754 --> 00:31:21,423 That's a great tie, by the way. 393 00:31:21,590 --> 00:31:24,176 I gotta make a phone call. I'll be right back. 394 00:31:24,343 --> 00:31:28,764 Don't do anything quaint until I return. 395 00:31:36,647 --> 00:31:39,691 Mills Toddner's office. - Yes, Mills Toddner, please. 396 00:31:39,858 --> 00:31:42,194 Who's calling? - Bruce Campbell. 397 00:31:42,361 --> 00:31:44,446 Who? - Bruce Campbell. 398 00:31:44,613 --> 00:31:47,407 He's not here. Voicemail okay? - Yeah, voicemail is fine. 399 00:31:47,574 --> 00:31:50,786 Mills, thrill me. - Mills, listen, Campbell here. 400 00:31:50,953 --> 00:31:52,246 I gotta tell you, pal, 401 00:31:52,412 --> 00:31:53,622 this is, without a doubt, 402 00:31:53,789 --> 00:31:56,124 the most outrageous birthday present I've ever gotten. 403 00:31:56,291 --> 00:31:57,709 So thanks, man. 404 00:31:57,876 --> 00:32:02,297 You're beautiful, and that whole firing thing, what are you, crazy? It's a joke, come on. 405 00:32:05,217 --> 00:32:07,761 Now, I know you guys probably can't break character, 406 00:32:07,928 --> 00:32:09,638 but I gotta tell you, 407 00:32:09,805 --> 00:32:12,808 man, you really had me going. You really did. 408 00:32:12,975 --> 00:32:15,143 I don't understand. - Well, for a minute there, 409 00:32:15,310 --> 00:32:17,354 I thought I was in the sequel of Deliverance, you know, 410 00:32:17,521 --> 00:32:21,942 and someone was about to say, "Squeal like a pig, boy. " 411 00:32:22,568 --> 00:32:25,529 Yes, there's no reason beating around the bush, 412 00:32:25,696 --> 00:32:27,990 and I realize this is rather unorthodox but... 413 00:32:28,156 --> 00:32:32,578 Say no more, Mr. Mayor. My hero senses are tingling. 414 00:32:34,037 --> 00:32:37,082 I sense that the town of Gold Lick is in trouble. 415 00:32:37,249 --> 00:32:40,460 Huh? Big trouble and you need my help. 416 00:32:40,627 --> 00:32:41,670 Hmm? 417 00:32:41,837 --> 00:32:43,964 Do you? You need my help, Mr. Mayor? 418 00:32:44,131 --> 00:32:45,257 Yes or no? - That's exactly right. 419 00:32:45,424 --> 00:32:47,509 How about that? Put the words right in your mouth, didn't I? 420 00:32:47,676 --> 00:32:50,095 But not just any help, huh? 421 00:32:50,262 --> 00:32:52,389 You need someone special, 422 00:32:52,556 --> 00:32:54,933 someone who can take on a heinous monster 423 00:32:55,100 --> 00:32:58,770 and stop him in his tracks and take him to justice. 424 00:32:58,937 --> 00:33:01,857 That would be me. Whoa! 425 00:33:02,024 --> 00:33:05,068 Mr. Mayor, your worries are over 426 00:33:05,235 --> 00:33:08,864 'cause there's a new sheriff in town and he's gonna clean up this mess. 427 00:33:09,031 --> 00:33:12,367 Gold Lick, it's a good day. I'm here to help! 428 00:33:12,534 --> 00:33:14,453 Let's hear it for Mr. Bruce Campbell. 429 00:33:14,620 --> 00:33:19,499 Hip-hip hurray! Hip-hip hurray! Hip-hip hurray! 430 00:33:19,666 --> 00:33:23,337 Now, it's just another day in the life of a hero. 431 00:33:23,504 --> 00:33:26,590 Mr. Mayor, tell us what's next. 432 00:33:26,757 --> 00:33:31,178 We'd like to show you exactly what you're up against. 433 00:33:59,831 --> 00:34:05,254 Leather, red leather, yellow leather, red, yellow, red leather, yellow leather. 434 00:34:07,923 --> 00:34:08,924 Ow! 435 00:34:09,091 --> 00:34:11,385 My foot! - Pardon me there, Gomer Pyle. 436 00:34:11,552 --> 00:34:15,973 Jesus! - Oh, excuse me, Goober. 437 00:34:16,139 --> 00:34:18,392 Boy, this is exciting, huh? 438 00:34:18,559 --> 00:34:21,103 Think they'll give me the key to the city? - I doubt it. 439 00:34:21,270 --> 00:34:22,896 How about the key to your place? 440 00:34:23,063 --> 00:34:26,149 I'm sorry, we haven't met. I'm Kelly Graham. 441 00:34:26,316 --> 00:34:30,696 Graham? Well, I'll bet all the boys go cracker over you. 442 00:34:30,863 --> 00:34:33,365 That was funny when I was six. 443 00:34:33,532 --> 00:34:37,870 Well, I was six once. Hey, we already have something in common. 444 00:34:38,036 --> 00:34:42,165 Oh, heck. I'm... I'm Bruce. Bruce Campbell. 445 00:34:42,332 --> 00:34:46,128 Yes, I'm well aware of that. Jeff's been bragging about you for years. 446 00:34:46,295 --> 00:34:47,296 Ah... 447 00:34:47,462 --> 00:34:51,216 Uber fan's connected to you, huh? - I'm afraid so. 448 00:34:51,383 --> 00:34:54,636 Younger brother? - Son. 449 00:34:54,803 --> 00:34:58,640 Young mother. - It's a country thing. 450 00:34:58,807 --> 00:35:02,644 Oh, hey, a MILF is a MILF. 451 00:35:02,811 --> 00:35:04,813 But I don't see a wedding ring. 452 00:35:04,980 --> 00:35:07,149 Are you married or happy, Kelly Graham? 453 00:35:07,316 --> 00:35:10,569 I'm not sure I'm comfortable answering that. 454 00:35:10,736 --> 00:35:12,529 Mr. Campbell, if you're ready. 455 00:35:12,696 --> 00:35:15,991 Yeah, knock yourself out, chief. Showtime, huh? 456 00:35:16,158 --> 00:35:20,579 Mr. Treppin, let's start the slide show. 457 00:35:22,414 --> 00:35:26,919 As we all know, Gold Lick is a mining community. 458 00:35:29,713 --> 00:35:31,215 In the late 1850s, 459 00:35:31,381 --> 00:35:35,802 hundreds of Chinese immigrants came to our shores to help work the claims. 460 00:35:41,183 --> 00:35:43,769 At her height, the Triple-T mine 461 00:35:43,936 --> 00:35:46,730 employed hundreds of Chinese immigrant laborers. 462 00:35:46,897 --> 00:35:50,067 They worked long hours, in primitive conditions, 463 00:35:50,234 --> 00:35:54,613 surviving on rice and bean curd. 464 00:35:54,780 --> 00:35:59,243 Oh! 465 00:36:11,588 --> 00:36:13,757 Then disaster struck. 466 00:36:13,924 --> 00:36:15,050 You want disaster? 467 00:36:15,217 --> 00:36:17,094 Anyone here seen Assault on Dome 4? 468 00:36:17,261 --> 00:36:19,263 That's probably my favorite movie... - Don't answer that. 469 00:36:19,429 --> 00:36:21,723 A mine shaft cave-in. 470 00:36:21,890 --> 00:36:27,145 Over a hundred Chinese were buried alive and remain there today. 471 00:36:28,105 --> 00:36:32,609 Gold Lick has never been the same since. 472 00:36:32,860 --> 00:36:35,362 That guy's pretty good. Did he come from dinner theater? 473 00:36:35,529 --> 00:36:38,198 No, Iowa. 474 00:36:38,365 --> 00:36:41,243 You know, they go to all that trouble to kidnap somebody, 475 00:36:41,410 --> 00:36:44,913 I'd have kidnapped that Jake character from Evil Dead ll. 476 00:36:45,080 --> 00:36:47,416 My money'd bet on that blacksmith from Army of Darkness. 477 00:36:47,583 --> 00:36:52,004 Now, that's one stud. - Damn straight. 478 00:36:52,963 --> 00:36:55,465 I wish I could quit you. 479 00:36:55,632 --> 00:37:00,053 Soon after, rumors began to spread of a curse. 480 00:37:01,096 --> 00:37:04,266 Okay. When did my ex-wife start modeling? 481 00:37:04,433 --> 00:37:06,143 Mom, that's it. That's the thing. 482 00:37:06,310 --> 00:37:09,605 Legend has it that a Chinese demon was summoned 483 00:37:09,771 --> 00:37:14,193 to protect the spirits of all those who had died. 484 00:37:16,320 --> 00:37:20,824 Mom. 485 00:37:23,327 --> 00:37:25,370 A warning. 486 00:37:25,537 --> 00:37:28,999 He who would confront Guan-Di, 487 00:37:29,166 --> 00:37:33,545 would also confront death itself. 488 00:37:33,712 --> 00:37:37,007 Well, hello, Mr. Plaitpoint. - His name is Wing. 489 00:37:37,174 --> 00:37:41,053 He's one of the last surviving descendents of the dead laborers. 490 00:37:41,220 --> 00:37:45,641 Guan-Di has been unleashed from his grave. 491 00:37:45,891 --> 00:37:48,769 I'm sorry, was that "unreashed"? 492 00:37:48,936 --> 00:37:50,604 Unleashed, unleashed. 493 00:37:50,771 --> 00:37:53,565 What's the matter? Don't you speak English? 494 00:37:53,732 --> 00:37:58,278 Guan-Di, great warrior. Guan-Di, protector of dead, 495 00:37:58,445 --> 00:38:03,242 savior of the innocent and the bean curd. 496 00:38:04,159 --> 00:38:07,329 Bean curd? What... 497 00:38:07,496 --> 00:38:10,040 Bean curd's a popular Chinese dish. You... 498 00:38:10,207 --> 00:38:13,043 You chatter like monkey. 499 00:38:13,210 --> 00:38:17,631 I call you Chattering Monkey. 500 00:38:22,386 --> 00:38:25,138 His grave has been disturbed. 501 00:38:25,305 --> 00:38:28,267 And Guan-Di will not stop until every last relative 502 00:38:28,433 --> 00:38:32,521 of the one who did this lay rotting in the earth. 503 00:38:32,688 --> 00:38:36,108 Well, hell, what could be so bad about that? 504 00:38:36,275 --> 00:38:40,404 Okay, blood relatives, raise your hand. 505 00:38:40,571 --> 00:38:44,491 Guan-Di knows that you and I are not related, right? 506 00:38:44,658 --> 00:38:47,244 I shall do an ancient Chinese dance, 507 00:38:47,411 --> 00:38:51,832 which will rid you all of the curse of Guan-Di. 508 00:39:00,841 --> 00:39:03,302 Has he been dispelled? No? 509 00:39:03,468 --> 00:39:05,721 Okay, you're all going to die. 510 00:39:05,888 --> 00:39:07,723 But know this, 511 00:39:07,890 --> 00:39:11,727 Guan-Di grows stronger with every person he kills, 512 00:39:11,894 --> 00:39:16,481 until all of you will die! 513 00:39:21,486 --> 00:39:25,991 Will die! 514 00:39:30,370 --> 00:39:33,415 He's gone! 515 00:39:33,582 --> 00:39:37,586 No, no. Actually, he's... He's right... 516 00:39:37,753 --> 00:39:41,715 Well, folks, it looks like the presentation is over. 517 00:39:41,882 --> 00:39:46,762 Just be careful on your way home, and look out for your neighbors. 518 00:39:48,680 --> 00:39:53,185 Boy, that was exciting. 519 00:39:53,352 --> 00:39:57,272 As you can see, Mr. Campbell, the future of Gold Lick rests in your hands. 520 00:39:57,439 --> 00:39:59,149 We sure appreciate you being here. 521 00:39:59,316 --> 00:40:01,944 We were thinking you might want to freshen up and get a bite to eat 522 00:40:02,110 --> 00:40:03,445 before you lead us into battle. 523 00:40:03,612 --> 00:40:05,280 Mr. Mayor, that's a good idea. 524 00:40:05,447 --> 00:40:09,076 'Cause I always freshen up before I go into battle and kill monsters. 525 00:40:09,243 --> 00:40:13,664 You don't want to leave a bad impression. - Lordy, you're good people. 526 00:40:16,208 --> 00:40:19,169 You're welcome to wash up at my tavern. 527 00:40:19,336 --> 00:40:22,589 Well, that's good 'cause, as you can see, I'm a dirty little boy. 528 00:40:22,756 --> 00:40:25,467 Oh, oh, yeah, and I've got a nice little place upstairs. 529 00:40:25,634 --> 00:40:28,136 You can wait there until dinner and no one will hassle you or anything. 530 00:40:28,303 --> 00:40:32,724 Well, Jeff, if you insist. 531 00:41:20,772 --> 00:41:23,483 I'd say the only thing missing is the stool sample. 532 00:41:23,650 --> 00:41:28,071 Yeah, I guess I am kind of a fan. - Yeah, do you think? 533 00:41:30,407 --> 00:41:33,702 That's not familiar. - Hey, hey. That's personal. 534 00:41:33,869 --> 00:41:37,539 Look, Mr. Campbell, I fixed you up a room back here. 535 00:41:37,706 --> 00:41:41,043 I gave you some fresh towels and clothes and... 536 00:41:41,210 --> 00:41:44,046 Look, I know this is a big imposition for you so 537 00:41:44,213 --> 00:41:48,634 whatever I can do to make feel you at home, just let me know, okay? 538 00:41:50,135 --> 00:41:54,598 First of all, kid, Mr. Campbell makes soup. My name is Bruce. 539 00:41:54,765 --> 00:41:56,475 Secondly, you wanna get on my good side, 540 00:41:56,642 --> 00:41:59,645 you'll dig up a bar of soap and a bottle of Jack, 541 00:41:59,811 --> 00:42:03,315 and not in that order. 542 00:42:03,482 --> 00:42:07,903 Nothing like a shower to wash the blues away. 543 00:42:10,322 --> 00:42:14,701 Jeff, where the heck did you find this Evil Dead shampoo? 544 00:42:14,868 --> 00:42:16,828 Bruce, that's drain cleaner. 545 00:42:16,995 --> 00:42:18,121 Oh... 546 00:42:18,288 --> 00:42:22,709 Maybe that would explain the burning sensation. 547 00:42:23,836 --> 00:42:25,671 What? 548 00:42:25,838 --> 00:42:29,424 Well, it's just that you're going up against Guan-Di tonight 549 00:42:29,591 --> 00:42:32,010 and you're not even scared. 550 00:42:32,177 --> 00:42:34,888 You don't know fear, kid. You never worked with Sam Raimi. 551 00:42:35,055 --> 00:42:39,268 You know, compared to most hell spawn, this Guan-Di cat's no biggie-mo. 552 00:42:39,434 --> 00:42:40,894 Really? - Nah. 553 00:42:41,061 --> 00:42:42,646 You know, in the hero business, 554 00:42:42,813 --> 00:42:44,898 you only really have to remember two things. 555 00:42:45,065 --> 00:42:47,985 One, most monsters are just a guy in a rubber suit. 556 00:42:48,151 --> 00:42:51,113 Two, you can't fight a guy in a rubber suit on an empty stomach. 557 00:42:51,280 --> 00:42:55,701 So this particular hero needs some food and some drink. 558 00:43:06,670 --> 00:43:11,175 There's Bruce Campbell. 559 00:43:19,975 --> 00:43:23,312 Pick your poison, Mr. Campbell. - Oh, I hardly ever touch the stuff. 560 00:43:23,478 --> 00:43:24,980 It's on the house. - Well, in that case, 561 00:43:25,147 --> 00:43:27,816 I'll take a slow screw against the wall and make it a double. 562 00:43:27,983 --> 00:43:29,610 Maybe this is all a big joke to you, 563 00:43:29,776 --> 00:43:31,236 but Jeff's talked the whole town into thinking 564 00:43:31,403 --> 00:43:33,322 you're gonna save us from this Guan-Di. 565 00:43:33,488 --> 00:43:34,656 Yeah, and? 566 00:43:34,823 --> 00:43:37,409 And as far as I can tell, you're pretty much full of shit. 567 00:43:37,576 --> 00:43:39,453 Sounds to me like you're wandering from the script, sister. 568 00:43:39,620 --> 00:43:41,830 Didn't you read the fine print? Never piss off the hero. 569 00:43:41,997 --> 00:43:43,916 Hey, hey, Kelly's been known to speak her mind. 570 00:43:44,082 --> 00:43:47,586 Sounds to me like she needs to be recast. She adlibs too much. 571 00:43:47,753 --> 00:43:49,880 Walk with me, Mr. Campbell. Walk, walk with me. 572 00:43:50,047 --> 00:43:52,341 You know, if I wanted to take shit from a bunch of bogus actors, 573 00:43:52,508 --> 00:43:54,092 I'd go back to LA. 574 00:43:54,259 --> 00:43:57,262 Get that out of my face. - Sure, sure, I understand, Mr. Campbell. 575 00:43:57,429 --> 00:43:59,181 But you see, Kelly's been through a rough patch. 576 00:43:59,348 --> 00:44:02,226 Her whining, cheating, boozing husband left her and Jeff in the lurch, 577 00:44:02,392 --> 00:44:04,019 and she just hasn't been herself lately. 578 00:44:04,186 --> 00:44:06,021 Go ahead and have a seat. 579 00:44:06,188 --> 00:44:09,066 We're gonna treat you so many ways, you're bound to like one. 580 00:44:09,233 --> 00:44:10,859 And we appreciate you being here. 581 00:44:11,026 --> 00:44:15,447 Yeah, you could have spelled my name right. 582 00:44:19,451 --> 00:44:22,538 Hey, Kelly, like it or not, that man is our salvation. 583 00:44:22,704 --> 00:44:24,706 Good gravy, you've got to play ball. 584 00:44:24,873 --> 00:44:27,209 He's talking like he's crazy, like none of this is real. 585 00:44:27,376 --> 00:44:30,838 You know, great warriors are often on a different plane than you and I. 586 00:44:31,004 --> 00:44:35,133 Service, please. 587 00:44:35,300 --> 00:44:37,386 Eccentricity is often the brother to greatness. 588 00:44:37,553 --> 00:44:40,055 And obnoxiousness is often the brother of a black eye. 589 00:44:40,222 --> 00:44:42,474 Oh, I admit, he is bit of an odd duck, 590 00:44:42,641 --> 00:44:46,103 but hopefully, he'll be gone lickety-split and we can get back to our normal life. 591 00:44:46,270 --> 00:44:47,563 I just hope you're right. 592 00:44:47,729 --> 00:44:49,898 Could it possibly get worse? 593 00:44:50,065 --> 00:44:54,486 May I have another sarsaparilla? 594 00:45:12,671 --> 00:45:17,176 Ding, ding. Can you fill her up, buddy? 595 00:45:20,804 --> 00:45:25,309 Oh, for crying out loud. 596 00:45:26,310 --> 00:45:30,814 Hey, sometime today would be great. 597 00:45:34,151 --> 00:45:36,403 Hey, you old ball sack, I've been honking for you. 598 00:45:36,570 --> 00:45:40,991 I want some gas. 599 00:45:44,161 --> 00:45:45,871 Oh, I got you. 600 00:45:46,038 --> 00:45:48,999 You're still upset about your little sister, Wanda. 601 00:45:49,166 --> 00:45:53,587 Well, truth is, it was late, she was lonely, 602 00:45:53,754 --> 00:45:58,217 and I was using my wrong head. 603 00:46:04,181 --> 00:46:06,517 Jesus Christ. 604 00:46:06,683 --> 00:46:11,104 Please! 605 00:46:21,657 --> 00:46:26,161 Can't a guy get something to eat around here? 606 00:46:28,872 --> 00:46:33,377 Time for some dancing. 607 00:46:37,589 --> 00:46:40,342 Ma'am, may I have this dance? 608 00:46:40,509 --> 00:46:42,845 Do you believe in reincarnation? - Why? 609 00:46:43,011 --> 00:46:45,305 Because it's not gonna happen in this lifetime. 610 00:46:45,472 --> 00:46:49,893 Well, there's a cold wind blowing in Gold Lick tonight. 611 00:46:51,353 --> 00:46:55,858 What's the matter? Can't you take a joke, Mr. Actor Boy? 612 00:46:56,400 --> 00:46:59,862 I'd love to dance with you. 613 00:47:00,028 --> 00:47:04,449 Do you really mean that? - Like my life depended on it. 614 00:47:12,708 --> 00:47:14,877 Now, I've gotta warn you, I'm not a very good dancer. 615 00:47:15,043 --> 00:47:17,546 Oh, I'll bet all you country girls say the same thing. 616 00:47:17,713 --> 00:47:22,134 Come on, show me some stuff. 617 00:47:22,509 --> 00:47:23,802 Hey! 618 00:47:23,969 --> 00:47:26,847 Whoa! 619 00:47:27,014 --> 00:47:31,435 Hey! 620 00:47:33,478 --> 00:47:36,523 Why, you weren't kidding. You really suck. 621 00:47:36,690 --> 00:47:38,734 Oh, well, let's see how the city boy fares. 622 00:47:38,901 --> 00:47:43,113 All right. Yeah. Round we go! 623 00:47:43,280 --> 00:47:47,701 Watch us go! 624 00:47:49,411 --> 00:47:51,079 You all right, honey? 625 00:47:51,246 --> 00:47:53,999 I've heard of break dancing, but this is ridiculous. 626 00:47:54,166 --> 00:47:56,210 Oh, I hope you're a better actor than you are a dancer. 627 00:47:56,376 --> 00:47:58,045 Obviously, I have no idea what I'm doing. 628 00:47:58,212 --> 00:48:02,633 Maybe we should try something together. - You better lead. 629 00:48:04,176 --> 00:48:06,929 Okay, now we're getting somewhere. 630 00:48:07,095 --> 00:48:11,517 Hey, everybody, we're dancing! 631 00:48:15,854 --> 00:48:20,150 Hey, lady, 10 cents a ride, no exceptions. 632 00:48:20,317 --> 00:48:21,860 Hey, what was that? - Nothing. 633 00:48:22,027 --> 00:48:25,447 Oh, no. Corners of your mouth turned up at the edges. 634 00:48:25,614 --> 00:48:29,785 There's an old Indian saying for that phenomena. 635 00:48:29,952 --> 00:48:34,373 That's Cherokee for "She who smiles at one she no longer continues to hate. " 636 00:48:34,540 --> 00:48:39,002 Oh, shut up and dance. 637 00:48:42,923 --> 00:48:46,468 Well, I don't know about you, but I could use some fresh air. 638 00:48:46,635 --> 00:48:51,056 Oh, me, too, and just fresh air. - Of course. 639 00:48:51,265 --> 00:48:55,102 Even after everything that's happened, God, I love this place. 640 00:48:55,269 --> 00:48:58,730 Yeah, I grew up in a town just like it. Little Place in Michigan. 641 00:48:58,897 --> 00:49:00,482 Ever hear of it? - Michigan? 642 00:49:00,649 --> 00:49:04,111 No, Little Place, it's just north of Flint. - Oh, sounds nice. 643 00:49:04,278 --> 00:49:06,488 I made my first movie there when I was still in high school. 644 00:49:06,655 --> 00:49:07,656 Really? 645 00:49:07,823 --> 00:49:09,992 Oh, we were young and naive, 646 00:49:10,158 --> 00:49:13,912 and we wanted to make a movie that represented our hopes and dreams. 647 00:49:14,079 --> 00:49:17,040 What was it called? - Blade of the Skull Ripper. 648 00:49:17,207 --> 00:49:20,836 That's when I got the acting bug. - Oh, you've come a long way since then. 649 00:49:21,003 --> 00:49:22,838 You haven't seen much of my recent stuff, I guess. 650 00:49:23,005 --> 00:49:25,757 Well, believe it or not, Jeff has shown me a couple. 651 00:49:25,924 --> 00:49:29,386 I don't know about the plots, but you're usually pretty good in them. 652 00:49:29,553 --> 00:49:33,432 You really mean that? - I wouldn't say it if I didn't. 653 00:49:33,599 --> 00:49:36,185 Well, you're just full of surprises, aren't you, Kelly Graham? 654 00:49:36,351 --> 00:49:39,438 Well, here's one for you. 655 00:49:39,605 --> 00:49:44,484 I actually think I'm a little shy. That's why I come on so strong. 656 00:49:44,651 --> 00:49:49,114 Oh, hey, I came on kind of strong myself. 657 00:49:49,448 --> 00:49:52,075 It's not easy for me to... 658 00:49:52,242 --> 00:49:54,912 Yes? 659 00:49:55,078 --> 00:49:59,499 ...express my true feelings. 660 00:50:01,293 --> 00:50:05,797 You want to move that hand? 661 00:50:07,883 --> 00:50:12,638 Yeah, sorry about that. - Yeah, well, I'll let it slide, this time. 662 00:50:19,811 --> 00:50:21,396 Mr. Campbell. 663 00:50:21,563 --> 00:50:24,733 Sure, Mr. Mayor, of course. Just give me five minutes. 664 00:50:24,900 --> 00:50:25,859 It's time. 665 00:50:26,026 --> 00:50:30,447 For the love of God, I can smell her ChapStick! 666 00:50:31,490 --> 00:50:34,076 I'm so gonna take a rain check. 667 00:50:34,243 --> 00:50:38,664 All right, come on. 668 00:50:41,875 --> 00:50:44,795 All right, small-town America, show me what you got. 669 00:50:44,962 --> 00:50:47,923 Well, no matter which way you wanna go, Mr. Campbell, 670 00:50:48,090 --> 00:50:50,425 I think we got you covered. - All right. 671 00:50:50,592 --> 00:50:53,637 You might want to slip this little Beretta. 22 in your pocket. 672 00:50:53,804 --> 00:50:56,974 It's for that close range, last-minute desperation stuff. 673 00:50:57,140 --> 00:50:58,934 What's your name? - Frank. 674 00:50:59,101 --> 00:51:01,395 Frank, nice gun, for a girl. 675 00:51:01,562 --> 00:51:05,774 You want to step it up a bit, do you? - Hello. 676 00:51:05,941 --> 00:51:09,778 This. 45 long-slide "Widow Maker. " 677 00:51:09,945 --> 00:51:11,822 I think it'll be just right for you. 678 00:51:11,989 --> 00:51:13,824 Close, Frank, but no cigar. 679 00:51:13,991 --> 00:51:17,953 Well, if it's accuracy you want... - Duh. 680 00:51:18,120 --> 00:51:20,122 That's a Marlin 336. 681 00:51:20,289 --> 00:51:23,542 Shoot a pig's eye out from 1,000 yards. 682 00:51:23,709 --> 00:51:25,586 And who wouldn't wanna do that? 683 00:51:25,752 --> 00:51:27,629 Frank, you're holding out on me. Come on. 684 00:51:27,796 --> 00:51:30,549 Well, then again, if you're taking out the Chinese god of war... 685 00:51:30,716 --> 00:51:32,384 And we are. 686 00:51:32,551 --> 00:51:36,972 ...wrap your hands around this Parker 12-gauge, double-barrel beauty. 687 00:51:39,474 --> 00:51:43,520 That's for people that don't call 911. 688 00:51:43,687 --> 00:51:46,231 I think we get the idea, Frank, and thanks for that, 689 00:51:46,398 --> 00:51:49,526 but I'd be willing to wager that Mr. Campbell is more than capable of telling us 690 00:51:49,693 --> 00:51:52,362 which weapons should be used under the circumstances. 691 00:51:52,529 --> 00:51:55,949 Of course. I'm sorry, Mr. Campbell. - That's okay. 692 00:51:56,116 --> 00:51:58,994 Go ahead, Mr. Campbell, tell us exactly what we need. 693 00:51:59,161 --> 00:52:04,917 Well, I... Don't you think Frank really said it all with the guns and everything? I... 694 00:52:05,083 --> 00:52:08,128 Of course, for personal protection, you may have never heard of this gun, 695 00:52:08,295 --> 00:52:14,051 but I always use a... permanent press. 696 00:52:14,760 --> 00:52:17,054 But I can see that you obviously don't have that gun here, 697 00:52:17,221 --> 00:52:21,558 so I'll just have to limp along with this. 31 long-bow. 698 00:52:21,725 --> 00:52:22,976 .45 long-slide. 699 00:52:23,143 --> 00:52:27,105 Long-slide, like I said. So, come on, Gold Lick, get your guns. 700 00:52:27,272 --> 00:52:29,399 Give me a big one. Take it easy. 701 00:52:29,566 --> 00:52:30,984 One at a time. 702 00:52:31,151 --> 00:52:33,695 Bruce, can I show you something? - Sure. 703 00:52:33,862 --> 00:52:36,365 We got you covered. All right, look at us. 704 00:52:36,532 --> 00:52:38,909 My goodness me. 705 00:52:39,076 --> 00:52:43,747 Now we can slide off to San Francisco. - And I'm riding shotgun. 706 00:52:46,625 --> 00:52:51,129 I thought you might wanna use this. 707 00:52:53,632 --> 00:52:55,884 I had it made special. 708 00:52:56,051 --> 00:52:59,888 Briggs & Stratton two-stroke, half-inch claw. 709 00:53:00,055 --> 00:53:04,476 What do you think? - Wow, it's really something. 710 00:53:05,477 --> 00:53:07,646 You know, Jeff, 711 00:53:07,813 --> 00:53:11,024 I've gotten a lot of use out of chainsaws over the years, 712 00:53:11,191 --> 00:53:15,612 killed a lot of zombies, saved a lot of lives. 713 00:53:16,321 --> 00:53:19,741 But at the end of the day, when push comes to shove, 714 00:53:19,908 --> 00:53:21,410 they're just too damn heavy. 715 00:53:21,577 --> 00:53:25,998 So thanks just the same, kid. See you out there. 716 00:53:27,207 --> 00:53:31,712 Yeah. - Don't be late. 717 00:53:36,508 --> 00:53:38,010 All right. 718 00:53:38,177 --> 00:53:39,636 You guys ready for some violence? Yeah! 719 00:53:39,803 --> 00:53:43,098 That's right. All right. 720 00:53:43,265 --> 00:53:45,767 Sure you're ready for this, Bruce? - Kid, I made a movie in Bulgaria. 721 00:53:45,934 --> 00:53:49,646 I'm ready for anything. Put yourself on ice, sugar lips, 722 00:53:49,813 --> 00:53:51,523 because when I come back, I'm gonna lay claim 723 00:53:51,690 --> 00:53:53,942 to the prettiest pair of green eyes I've ever seen. 724 00:53:54,109 --> 00:53:55,736 Let's do this thing! 725 00:53:55,903 --> 00:53:58,030 Be careful. 726 00:53:58,197 --> 00:54:00,282 And my eyes are brown! 727 00:54:00,449 --> 00:54:04,870 Dumb shit. 728 00:54:10,584 --> 00:54:12,586 All right, folks, listen up. 729 00:54:12,753 --> 00:54:14,796 It could get ugly out there tonight. 730 00:54:14,963 --> 00:54:16,632 Real ugly. 731 00:54:16,798 --> 00:54:20,177 So if something happens and you don't think you're gonna make it, 732 00:54:20,344 --> 00:54:21,637 just remember this, 733 00:54:21,803 --> 00:54:23,805 even though you don't have medical insurance, 734 00:54:23,972 --> 00:54:26,058 emergency rooms are mandated by federal law 735 00:54:26,225 --> 00:54:27,643 to treat critically-injured patients. 736 00:54:27,809 --> 00:54:31,146 So, technically, you got nothing to worry about. 737 00:54:31,313 --> 00:54:33,315 Aside from that, Bruce Campbell's got your back. 738 00:54:33,482 --> 00:54:34,858 All right! - Yeah! 739 00:54:35,025 --> 00:54:39,446 Now, come on, Gold Lick, let's kick some Guan-Di butt! 740 00:54:45,369 --> 00:54:48,580 Oh, yeah. This is Henderson. I'm crossing Old Stage Road. 741 00:54:48,747 --> 00:54:50,290 No sign of the demon, over. 742 00:54:50,457 --> 00:54:53,877 Oh, my God, Henderson, he's right behind you. 743 00:54:54,044 --> 00:54:56,129 Oh, Jesus! 744 00:54:56,296 --> 00:55:00,717 Just kidding, chief! - That ain't funny. 745 00:55:03,679 --> 00:55:06,515 Jeff, after this is over, I gotta meet your sound guy. 746 00:55:06,682 --> 00:55:07,891 We don't have a sound guy. 747 00:55:08,058 --> 00:55:10,018 All right, we're gonna try and smoke him out. 748 00:55:10,185 --> 00:55:12,813 He's got a sword, over! - Stay your course, Chicken Little. 749 00:55:12,980 --> 00:55:14,481 Oh, he's a big sucker! 750 00:55:14,648 --> 00:55:16,608 Well, what do you expect? He's the Chinese god of war. 751 00:55:16,775 --> 00:55:20,028 Oh, no, he's spotted me. He's coming to fight! 752 00:55:20,195 --> 00:55:23,282 No! No! 753 00:55:23,448 --> 00:55:27,870 Give it a rest, Shatner. 754 00:55:33,458 --> 00:55:37,963 Bruce, do something! 755 00:55:39,506 --> 00:55:42,009 What the fuck is that? - It's Guan-Di! 756 00:55:42,176 --> 00:55:46,597 You mean the son-of-a-bitch is real? - Shouldn't we shoot it? 757 00:55:49,016 --> 00:55:52,436 No! No! No! 758 00:55:52,603 --> 00:55:57,024 Retreat! 759 00:55:57,357 --> 00:56:01,862 Bruce, where are you going? - Shoot it! Shoot it! 760 00:56:08,702 --> 00:56:11,997 Daddy? 761 00:56:12,164 --> 00:56:14,958 Daddy? 762 00:56:15,125 --> 00:56:19,546 My ear. Stop shooting! Stop shooting! 763 00:56:23,675 --> 00:56:27,262 GUAN-Dl: Must die! 764 00:56:27,429 --> 00:56:29,097 Keys! Keys! Come on, it's the country. 765 00:56:29,264 --> 00:56:33,685 Don't you keep your fucking keys in your trucks? 766 00:56:36,480 --> 00:56:39,441 All right. 767 00:56:39,608 --> 00:56:42,528 Coil wire to the ignition. 768 00:56:42,694 --> 00:56:47,115 What could possibly go wrong? 769 00:56:47,699 --> 00:56:49,326 Oh, man! 770 00:56:49,493 --> 00:56:53,914 That always worked in the movies. 771 00:57:00,712 --> 00:57:02,589 Hey! Hey! Hey! 772 00:57:02,756 --> 00:57:04,925 Thank you. 773 00:57:05,092 --> 00:57:09,513 Give me back my bike, you old prick! And McHale's Navy sucked. 774 00:57:22,901 --> 00:57:25,988 Young man, are you all right? 775 00:57:26,154 --> 00:57:29,283 Lady, you gotta give me a ride out of here right now. 776 00:57:29,449 --> 00:57:33,036 I'm sorry, but there's no room. - Oh, yeah, there is. 777 00:57:33,203 --> 00:57:37,624 Oh, yeah. Get out of there. Get out of there! Get out of here! 778 00:57:45,507 --> 00:57:50,012 Oh, my kitty! My kitty cat! 779 00:57:51,180 --> 00:57:52,890 Oh, you horrible man! 780 00:57:53,056 --> 00:57:57,436 And you were the worst thing about Moontrap! 781 00:57:57,603 --> 00:58:01,315 "Yeah. Come to Gold Lick. Help us fight a monster. " 782 00:58:01,481 --> 00:58:04,151 What the hell were they thinking? 783 00:58:04,318 --> 00:58:07,196 Now the supernatural son-of-a-bitch is after me. 784 00:58:07,362 --> 00:58:11,700 Oh, man. I gotta blow this pop stand fast. 785 00:58:11,867 --> 00:58:13,994 Oh! 786 00:58:14,161 --> 00:58:18,582 I'm so screwed! Oh, that cheapskate old lady. 787 00:58:23,045 --> 00:58:26,798 Hey, guys. 788 00:58:26,965 --> 00:58:28,425 I need a car, pronto! 789 00:58:28,592 --> 00:58:31,845 Hey, ain't you that demon-fighting son-of-a-bitch? 790 00:58:32,012 --> 00:58:33,263 Yeah, I am. 791 00:58:33,430 --> 00:58:35,849 I came back 'cause I needed some garbage bags 792 00:58:36,016 --> 00:58:37,643 and shovels 'cause we killed... 793 00:58:37,809 --> 00:58:42,064 Hold that thought, guys. Nice talking to you. 794 00:58:42,231 --> 00:58:45,567 Suckers! You won't have me to kick around anymore. 795 00:58:45,734 --> 00:58:50,239 You can take this little crappy-ass town and shove it right up... 796 00:58:50,405 --> 00:58:54,868 Hey, hey. What... 797 00:58:56,662 --> 00:58:58,247 Bruce. - Yeah? 798 00:58:58,413 --> 00:58:59,790 Where's Jeff? - Jeff... 799 00:58:59,957 --> 00:59:01,583 What, you just left him out there? 800 00:59:01,750 --> 00:59:03,752 Well, that depends on what the definition of "out there" is. 801 00:59:03,919 --> 00:59:07,130 And you know, lady, you never told me that this monster was real! 802 00:59:07,297 --> 00:59:10,717 Shoe lace. 803 00:59:10,884 --> 00:59:15,305 There he is! Stop that truck! 804 00:59:19,518 --> 00:59:22,688 Mom! 805 00:59:22,855 --> 00:59:25,357 Where's Bruce? 806 00:59:25,524 --> 00:59:29,945 Stop that truck! 807 00:59:39,705 --> 00:59:44,209 He's just a damn coward. 808 00:59:45,544 --> 00:59:48,755 I've been here five years, nobody die. 809 00:59:48,922 --> 00:59:53,343 Now, everybody die. 810 00:59:58,056 --> 01:00:02,561 Nobody else better die. You're gonna have to answer to Luigi. 811 01:00:03,270 --> 01:00:04,938 Oh, shit. 812 01:00:05,105 --> 01:00:09,526 There's some crazy shit going down in this town. 813 01:00:14,531 --> 01:00:19,036 What are you gonna do with that? 814 01:00:26,084 --> 01:00:30,589 Huh? 815 01:01:24,560 --> 01:01:28,438 Cute little Sam’n Rob. 816 01:01:28,605 --> 01:01:31,567 At least I still have you. Come here, boy. 817 01:01:31,733 --> 01:01:34,152 Come on. 818 01:01:34,319 --> 01:01:38,740 You son-of-a-bitch! 819 01:01:39,032 --> 01:01:41,285 Maybe I'll feel better after breakfast. 820 01:01:41,451 --> 01:01:44,288 It's the most important meal of the day. 821 01:01:44,454 --> 01:01:47,124 This is Bruce Campbell, actor extraordinaire. 822 01:01:47,291 --> 01:01:50,752 If you're young, female and not currently incarcerated, 823 01:01:50,919 --> 01:01:55,340 page me at star-998, otherwise, leave a message after the tone. 824 01:01:56,091 --> 01:01:57,634 Bruce, it's Cheryl. 825 01:01:57,801 --> 01:01:58,760 Cheryl? 826 01:01:58,927 --> 01:02:01,054 There's something I've been meaning to tell you, 827 01:02:01,221 --> 01:02:04,224 something that's been weighing on me ever since our divorce. 828 01:02:04,391 --> 01:02:05,767 Well, of course I forgive you! 829 01:02:05,934 --> 01:02:09,438 It's the alimony payment. It's just not cutting it. 830 01:02:09,605 --> 01:02:10,522 Huh? 831 01:02:10,689 --> 01:02:13,066 So my lawyer's filed a motion to have it increased, 832 01:02:13,233 --> 01:02:15,110 along with a fresh restraining order, 833 01:02:15,277 --> 01:02:19,656 so don't even try returning this call, you fuck head. 834 01:02:19,823 --> 01:02:24,494 You heartless hell-spawn! Get the fuck out of here! 835 01:02:25,495 --> 01:02:29,374 Sleep with the scorpions, bitch! 836 01:02:29,541 --> 01:02:31,793 Who does she think she is? 837 01:02:31,960 --> 01:02:36,924 Think I'm some low-budget, two-bit actor? Tell you what... 838 01:02:41,970 --> 01:02:44,765 "From the desk of Mills Toddner. 839 01:02:44,932 --> 01:02:49,102 "Pack your bags, baby. Back-to-back in Bulgaria. 840 01:02:49,269 --> 01:02:53,690 "Cave Alien 3 and 4." 841 01:02:54,983 --> 01:02:57,110 Oh, no! 842 01:02:57,277 --> 01:02:59,863 No! 843 01:03:00,030 --> 01:03:04,451 Help me! 844 01:03:08,330 --> 01:03:12,835 Hang on a second. 845 01:03:17,256 --> 01:03:18,674 What the hell do you want? I'm busy. 846 01:03:18,841 --> 01:03:21,718 Hi, I'm Kasey, the famous singing prostitute. 847 01:03:21,885 --> 01:03:24,680 I'm here to offer birthday greetings and wish you lots of luck 848 01:03:24,847 --> 01:03:26,974 And if you're really, really lucky I'll even toss in a... 849 01:03:27,140 --> 01:03:31,186 Oh, God, whoa, whoa. Who sent you? 850 01:03:31,353 --> 01:03:35,315 "From your friend and agent, Mills Toddner. Here's some birthday sugar, baby. " 851 01:03:35,482 --> 01:03:38,402 That's it? That was my special gift? A woman? 852 01:03:38,569 --> 01:03:41,905 Actually, I'm only half-way through my transgender surgeries, so technically... 853 01:03:42,072 --> 01:03:46,493 Whoa, whoa, whoa! For the love of God, just stop! 854 01:03:53,500 --> 01:03:57,588 Campbell residence. - Bruce, it's Jeff. 855 01:03:57,754 --> 01:03:59,256 You little bastard. 856 01:03:59,423 --> 01:04:00,924 You're the one who dragged me into this nightmare. 857 01:04:01,091 --> 01:04:04,219 Now, what, are you calling to chew my ass out for taking a powder? 858 01:04:04,386 --> 01:04:08,015 No, I... I just wanted to thank you. 859 01:04:08,182 --> 01:04:09,766 Thank me? For what? 860 01:04:09,933 --> 01:04:12,227 For teaching me the meaning of courage. 861 01:04:12,394 --> 01:04:15,856 I ran like cheap mascara. - Well, that's just it. 862 01:04:16,023 --> 01:04:19,401 While I was trying to dodge my responsibilities by dumping them on you, 863 01:04:19,568 --> 01:04:23,405 you showed me I have to face this thing on my own. 864 01:04:23,572 --> 01:04:25,073 Yeah. 865 01:04:25,240 --> 01:04:28,577 I'm glad you learned the error of your ways, kid, yeah. 866 01:04:28,744 --> 01:04:32,623 I'm the one who unleashed Guan-Di. It's up to me to kill it. 867 01:04:32,789 --> 01:04:36,293 Whoa, whoa, whoa! You're gonna take on Toshiro McFuckhead solo? 868 01:04:36,460 --> 01:04:39,338 Thank you, Mr. Campbell. 869 01:04:39,505 --> 01:04:43,842 All I needed was a push. 870 01:04:44,009 --> 01:04:46,428 No, no! Kid! Kid! 871 01:04:46,595 --> 01:04:48,639 Son-of-a... - Boyfriend troubles? 872 01:04:48,805 --> 01:04:50,599 No! 873 01:04:50,766 --> 01:04:53,393 Stupid kid's gonna get himself killed! 874 01:04:53,560 --> 01:04:57,981 What do I care? I got problems of my own. 875 01:04:58,273 --> 01:05:01,443 Who are you? - I'm your good nature, Bruce. 876 01:05:01,610 --> 01:05:03,278 Now, you heed my warning. 877 01:05:03,445 --> 01:05:06,615 If Jeff goes up against Guan-Di all by himself, 878 01:05:06,782 --> 01:05:08,200 oh, he'll be cut to ribbons. 879 01:05:08,367 --> 01:05:10,786 You've got to help the dear boy! 880 01:05:10,953 --> 01:05:14,206 Oh, don't listen to him! Kid's an asshole! 881 01:05:14,373 --> 01:05:16,792 Fuck him! Nobody lives forever! 882 01:05:16,959 --> 01:05:20,337 How can you say such a thing? You awful devil. 883 01:05:20,504 --> 01:05:23,131 I got something for you right here, angel. 884 01:05:23,298 --> 01:05:25,551 Bruce, you've got to help Jeff. 885 01:05:25,717 --> 01:05:29,388 He's your biggest fan! 886 01:05:29,555 --> 01:05:32,933 Get out of here, you freaks! - I'm flying! 887 01:05:33,100 --> 01:05:37,521 You, Nurse Ratched, how would you like to make $100? 888 01:05:37,729 --> 01:05:40,566 Story of my life. 889 01:05:40,732 --> 01:05:43,861 No, no, no. I need a ride. - That's why I'm here. 890 01:05:44,027 --> 01:05:46,572 In your car. 891 01:05:46,738 --> 01:05:51,159 Kinky. - No, I need a ride to a town called Gold Lick. 892 01:05:51,910 --> 01:05:56,415 I need to kill me a Guan-Di. 893 01:06:06,967 --> 01:06:09,845 Keep away from him, honey. - All right. Now, stay here. 894 01:06:10,012 --> 01:06:14,433 Try not to blow anybody till I get back. 895 01:06:30,282 --> 01:06:32,743 Hey, Kelly! 896 01:06:32,910 --> 01:06:34,411 Why don't you go home? 897 01:06:34,578 --> 01:06:40,042 Go find yourself some fake Hollywood girl 'cause you and me were never real. 898 01:06:40,209 --> 01:06:42,377 Kelly, please. 899 01:06:42,544 --> 01:06:46,632 I'm not one of those shallow sex machines like all those other Hollywood types. 900 01:06:46,798 --> 01:06:49,635 Hey, mister, you still owe me $100! 901 01:06:49,801 --> 01:06:54,223 And we still have to have sex! 902 01:06:55,140 --> 01:06:59,520 Would you excuse me for just a second? 903 01:06:59,686 --> 01:07:02,689 For the love of God, just take the money and go. 904 01:07:02,856 --> 01:07:06,652 Oh, I'll take a rain check on the ex-say a little ater-lay. 905 01:07:06,818 --> 01:07:11,240 Whatever, dude. 906 01:07:12,199 --> 01:07:15,577 Kelly, look, we don't have much time... 907 01:07:15,744 --> 01:07:17,287 Hey, that's all my stuff. 908 01:07:17,454 --> 01:07:20,624 Yeah, well, Jeff asked me to purge his loft. 909 01:07:20,791 --> 01:07:22,251 It was my pleasure. 910 01:07:22,417 --> 01:07:26,004 Oh, sweet Jesus! That's a limited edition! 911 01:07:26,171 --> 01:07:28,841 Plenty more where that came from. 912 01:07:29,007 --> 01:07:32,010 Are you still here? Don't you have a bad movie to make? 913 01:07:32,177 --> 01:07:36,557 Listen, I know I let you down and I'm sorry. 914 01:07:36,723 --> 01:07:39,017 But the callow movie star who came into your life yesterday 915 01:07:39,184 --> 01:07:43,313 is not the same man who's standing here today. 916 01:07:43,480 --> 01:07:47,985 It took the faith of a teenager and the decency of a good woman to open my eyes. 917 01:07:48,151 --> 01:07:52,990 Believe me, in the last 24 hours, I've learned a lot about decency, respect, 918 01:07:54,616 --> 01:07:59,121 even... love. 919 01:07:59,371 --> 01:08:02,875 A man's isn't much of anything unless he can learn from his mistakes 920 01:08:03,041 --> 01:08:05,794 and make them right. So... 921 01:08:05,961 --> 01:08:08,797 Look, I'm here to say I'm sorry. 922 01:08:08,964 --> 01:08:12,634 But more importantly, I wanna make it right. 923 01:08:12,801 --> 01:08:15,804 So I'm not asking you for a second chance, Kelly. 924 01:08:15,971 --> 01:08:17,556 I'm begging you. 925 01:08:17,723 --> 01:08:22,436 Now, maybe it doesn't make much sense because we don't know each other but... 926 01:08:22,603 --> 01:08:26,106 I think I... 927 01:08:26,273 --> 01:08:30,694 I think I... - Move the hand. 928 01:08:31,486 --> 01:08:34,198 Sure. 929 01:08:34,364 --> 01:08:37,492 Well, even if we're over, at least help me rescue Jeff. 930 01:08:37,659 --> 01:08:39,077 What, Jeff needs to be rescued? 931 01:08:39,244 --> 01:08:40,996 Yeah, he's going after Guan-Di. I thought you knew. 932 01:08:41,163 --> 01:08:42,956 Oh, my God! 933 01:08:43,123 --> 01:08:47,544 I... 934 01:08:51,590 --> 01:08:56,094 Hey! 935 01:08:58,222 --> 01:09:02,726 Hey! Wait! Wait! 936 01:09:18,408 --> 01:09:22,913 Okay, maybe this was a bad idea. 937 01:09:27,251 --> 01:09:31,755 Okay, this was definitely a bad idea. 938 01:09:32,506 --> 01:09:35,592 Big ass, self-obsessed movie star. 939 01:09:35,759 --> 01:09:40,180 Haven't you ever heard of a telephone? - Look, I am not self-obsessed. 940 01:09:40,514 --> 01:09:43,767 Do you really think I have a big ass? 941 01:09:43,934 --> 01:09:46,562 Do you even know where we're going? 942 01:09:46,728 --> 01:09:50,023 Jeff's friends were killed outside an old Chinese graveyard. 943 01:09:50,190 --> 01:09:54,611 I'm guessing that's where they went. 944 01:09:54,987 --> 01:09:59,491 Move the hand. - Okay, okay. My God. 945 01:10:08,458 --> 01:10:10,085 Jeff! 946 01:10:10,252 --> 01:10:12,171 Jeff! 947 01:10:12,337 --> 01:10:14,590 He's not in there. 948 01:10:14,756 --> 01:10:17,259 Well, if he has any sense, he's probably hightailing it back to town. 949 01:10:17,426 --> 01:10:19,636 If he had any sense, he wouldn't have called you. 950 01:10:19,803 --> 01:10:24,224 Jeff! 951 01:10:25,517 --> 01:10:30,022 Stand back, Kel. Mr. Winchester is itching for some action. 952 01:10:31,857 --> 01:10:36,361 What? What? What am I... Oh. 953 01:10:38,322 --> 01:10:41,658 Hey, you big son-of-a-bitch, pick on somebody your own size! 954 01:10:41,825 --> 01:10:44,828 Jeff, come on! 955 01:10:44,995 --> 01:10:47,206 You okay, baby? - Yeah. 956 01:10:47,372 --> 01:10:51,793 Yeah, I'm okay in a scared-to-death kind of way. 957 01:10:55,255 --> 01:10:56,882 Okay, here's the deal. 958 01:10:57,049 --> 01:10:59,927 I'm gonna stall the one-ton wonton, which should give you, oh, I don't know, 959 01:11:00,093 --> 01:11:02,346 maybe 30 seconds to find a way to stop him 960 01:11:02,513 --> 01:11:06,642 before he rips my head off and shoves it in my face, so better get busy. 961 01:11:06,808 --> 01:11:09,561 Bruce. - Yes, Kelly? 962 01:11:09,728 --> 01:11:13,524 Before you go... - Yes? 963 01:11:13,690 --> 01:11:16,610 You'll need ammo. 964 01:11:16,777 --> 01:11:19,154 I knew that. 965 01:11:19,321 --> 01:11:22,199 Okay, Jeff, you know this stuff way better than I do. 966 01:11:22,366 --> 01:11:24,284 How do we stop it? - Okay. Okay. 967 01:11:24,451 --> 01:11:26,453 Hollywood writers have spent countless hours 968 01:11:26,620 --> 01:11:29,414 writing stories about defeating monsters. 969 01:11:29,581 --> 01:11:32,417 There's gotta be something we can use in here. 970 01:11:32,584 --> 01:11:37,005 Hey, stay where I can see you! 971 01:11:38,048 --> 01:11:41,552 Okay, doofus, here I am! 972 01:11:41,718 --> 01:11:45,430 How we doing, team? - Okay. Bruce, I think this might work. 973 01:11:45,597 --> 01:11:48,058 Where's the nearest oceanic oil-drilling platform? 974 01:11:48,225 --> 01:11:52,646 Oh, about 1,000 miles away. 975 01:11:53,730 --> 01:11:56,191 Okay. 976 01:11:56,358 --> 01:11:59,820 Do we have any abandoned steel mills with giant vats of molten metal? 977 01:11:59,987 --> 01:12:04,408 Oh, come on. 978 01:12:04,783 --> 01:12:08,704 Okay, how about extensive mine shaft systems 979 01:12:08,871 --> 01:12:10,664 with cannibal bats underneath active volcanoes? 980 01:12:10,831 --> 01:12:15,252 You gotta be shitting me. 981 01:12:20,674 --> 01:12:25,179 "Protected for those who 982 01:12:27,097 --> 01:12:31,602 "died. " 983 01:12:33,395 --> 01:12:35,772 Be patient. 984 01:12:35,939 --> 01:12:37,191 Oh! 985 01:12:37,357 --> 01:12:41,278 You can't bowl for shit. You should go back to Dayton. 986 01:12:41,445 --> 01:12:42,446 Oh! 987 01:12:42,613 --> 01:12:46,033 Hello. - Hello. 988 01:12:46,200 --> 01:12:50,162 You here for me? 989 01:12:50,329 --> 01:12:54,750 No, this and this. Thank you. 990 01:12:59,338 --> 01:13:01,548 You tricked me! 991 01:13:01,715 --> 01:13:04,092 An island full of giant, mutated gorillas? 992 01:13:04,259 --> 01:13:06,345 Oh, wait, no, you died in that one. 993 01:13:06,512 --> 01:13:10,098 Jeff, Hollywood writers spend all day in dark rooms by themselves. 994 01:13:10,265 --> 01:13:12,184 They have no concept of reality whatsoever. 995 01:13:12,351 --> 01:13:16,772 So you'd better think of something else and pretty damn fast. 996 01:13:18,357 --> 01:13:22,277 Bruce! 997 01:13:22,444 --> 01:13:26,865 The sign. He's also the protector of bean curd. 998 01:13:30,494 --> 01:13:34,998 I'll be a horse's ass. Pardon me, big guy. 999 01:13:38,252 --> 01:13:42,756 Well, it's nice to know that tofu really is good for your health. 1000 01:13:43,131 --> 01:13:45,259 There he is. Hey, lady! 1001 01:13:45,425 --> 01:13:49,847 I'll get you. Give me back my bean curd. 1002 01:13:51,890 --> 01:13:56,395 You afraid of Wing, huh? 1003 01:13:58,397 --> 01:13:59,982 Wing powerful. 1004 01:14:00,148 --> 01:14:04,444 More powerful than Guan-Di, who is Wing's servant 1005 01:14:04,611 --> 01:14:07,072 and must listen to anything Wing say. 1006 01:14:07,239 --> 01:14:09,241 Right, Guan-Di? 1007 01:14:09,408 --> 01:14:12,077 Guan-Di! 1008 01:14:12,244 --> 01:14:16,665 Bean curd. 1009 01:14:25,424 --> 01:14:27,259 Hey, that's gives me an idea. - What? 1010 01:14:27,426 --> 01:14:29,511 Look, I know I'm throwing a real Hail Mary here, 1011 01:14:29,678 --> 01:14:31,513 but have you got any dynamite in this truck? 1012 01:14:31,680 --> 01:14:32,598 Of course I don't have any dynamite. 1013 01:14:32,764 --> 01:14:37,186 What kind of a freak would have dynamite... - I do. 1014 01:14:39,438 --> 01:14:43,942 Bruce, I've got dynamite, wire and a plunger. 1015 01:14:45,652 --> 01:14:47,446 What? I was going up against Guan-Di, Mom. 1016 01:14:47,613 --> 01:14:50,490 I brought all kinds of shit. I mean, stuff. 1017 01:14:50,657 --> 01:14:53,952 Good. You get the dynamite, meet me at the entrance of the mine shaft. 1018 01:14:54,119 --> 01:14:56,580 What, you're gonna use yourself as bait? - Well, yes and no. 1019 01:14:56,747 --> 01:14:58,999 We're gonna get a little help from my friend here. 1020 01:14:59,166 --> 01:15:00,834 When Guan-Di spots my ass on his doorstep, 1021 01:15:01,001 --> 01:15:02,544 he's gonna go totally Pearl Harbor. 1022 01:15:02,711 --> 01:15:04,671 That's when we drop the mountain on his demon ass. 1023 01:15:04,838 --> 01:15:09,051 It sounds a little risky. - You're telling me. This is our only standee. 1024 01:15:09,218 --> 01:15:10,260 All right. Now, look, 1025 01:15:10,427 --> 01:15:14,181 when hari-kari Larry takes a dirt nap, we take this sacred amulet, 1026 01:15:14,348 --> 01:15:18,227 you know, the entire reason why we're here, we put it right back where it belongs. 1027 01:15:18,393 --> 01:15:22,814 That way we can all get back to our normal, miserable lives. 1028 01:15:27,736 --> 01:15:29,363 Well, this is it. 1029 01:15:29,530 --> 01:15:33,951 I'll keep him away from the entrance until you give the signal. 1030 01:15:34,326 --> 01:15:38,914 Now, look, no matter which way this goes, I want you both to know one thing. 1031 01:15:39,831 --> 01:15:44,336 I'll never forgive you for dragging me out here. 1032 01:15:50,884 --> 01:15:53,846 Okay, just you and me, Top Ramen. 1033 01:15:54,012 --> 01:15:58,433 You're the protector of bean curd. Get busy. 1034 01:16:00,769 --> 01:16:05,274 Nice catch. 1035 01:16:08,235 --> 01:16:10,779 Hey, grounder. 1036 01:16:10,946 --> 01:16:15,367 That's gonna mean some extra runs! 1037 01:16:16,243 --> 01:16:18,912 Oh, another one! 1038 01:16:19,079 --> 01:16:20,831 Oh, bad hop. 1039 01:16:20,998 --> 01:16:25,419 Almost ready. 1040 01:16:39,308 --> 01:16:43,812 Good to go, Mom. - We're ready! 1041 01:16:49,359 --> 01:16:52,070 Just walking along, minding my own business. 1042 01:16:52,237 --> 01:16:56,658 Oh, look, a mine shaft. 1043 01:16:58,619 --> 01:17:00,746 Hey, asshole! 1044 01:17:00,913 --> 01:17:05,334 Go fuck yourself! 1045 01:17:13,050 --> 01:17:17,554 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait. Let him get all the way in. 1046 01:17:25,729 --> 01:17:29,024 He's not buying it. - That's weird, I approved that likeness. 1047 01:17:29,191 --> 01:17:30,692 Bruce, what do we do? 1048 01:17:30,859 --> 01:17:33,111 Well, looks like we're gonna have to do this the old-fashioned way, 1049 01:17:33,278 --> 01:17:36,365 mano a monster. - But that's suicide. 1050 01:17:36,532 --> 01:17:39,201 Only if I die, kid. Wish me luck. 1051 01:17:39,368 --> 01:17:43,163 Bruce. - Yes? 1052 01:17:43,330 --> 01:17:47,751 For luck. 1053 01:17:48,627 --> 01:17:53,131 You wanna move that hand? - That's not my hand. 1054 01:18:03,809 --> 01:18:08,313 Okay, Jeff, do it. Now! - Mom, I can't! 1055 01:18:08,814 --> 01:18:11,733 Not the face! Not the face! 1056 01:18:11,900 --> 01:18:13,151 It is Bruce Campbell! 1057 01:18:13,318 --> 01:18:15,737 Look, I know how much he means to you, 1058 01:18:15,904 --> 01:18:18,866 how much he means to all the audiences across the world, 1059 01:18:19,032 --> 01:18:20,617 how much he means to me. 1060 01:18:20,784 --> 01:18:24,079 But look, you've got to just think of one question right now. 1061 01:18:24,246 --> 01:18:26,707 What would Bruce Campbell do? 1062 01:18:26,874 --> 01:18:31,295 Run away? - No! 1063 01:19:03,660 --> 01:19:08,165 I can't believe he's gone. 1064 01:19:27,643 --> 01:19:31,772 Stay there. 1065 01:19:31,939 --> 01:19:33,774 Bruce. 1066 01:19:33,941 --> 01:19:35,317 Bruce. 1067 01:19:35,484 --> 01:19:39,530 Well, I'm glad that's over. 1068 01:19:39,696 --> 01:19:42,449 Jeff, I just have one request. - Anything, Bruce. 1069 01:19:42,616 --> 01:19:47,037 Next time you unleash an ancient demon, call that Buffy chick. 1070 01:20:02,886 --> 01:20:05,681 Stop! Stop! 1071 01:20:05,848 --> 01:20:08,809 What's the problem, Bruce? 1072 01:20:08,976 --> 01:20:11,770 Look, I'm sorry, but these shock endings are a rip off. 1073 01:20:11,937 --> 01:20:15,732 I mean, we just killed the creature like 30 seconds ago, and now it's back? 1074 01:20:15,899 --> 01:20:17,526 The fans deserve better. 1075 01:20:17,693 --> 01:20:22,239 And come on, for once, could we please have a happy ending to a horror film? 1076 01:20:22,781 --> 01:20:26,535 Yeah. A happy ending is a great... - I'll think about it. 1077 01:20:26,702 --> 01:20:31,123 Think about it, though. 1078 01:20:36,587 --> 01:20:39,631 Oh, I never knew life could be so swell. 1079 01:20:39,798 --> 01:20:43,427 Well, once you've made love the Bruce Campbell way, you never go back. 1080 01:20:43,594 --> 01:20:48,015 Father, Mother, I've just been accepted to Harvard. 1081 01:20:48,473 --> 01:20:51,727 I told you that C average was nothing to worry about. 1082 01:20:51,894 --> 01:20:54,897 Group hug. 1083 01:20:55,063 --> 01:20:56,231 You happy? 1084 01:20:56,398 --> 01:20:57,524 You happy? - Oh, yes. 1085 01:20:57,691 --> 01:21:02,112 We're all happy. - One big happy family. 1086 01:21:10,787 --> 01:21:15,125 Now, I ask you, what could be a better ending than that? 1087 01:21:15,292 --> 01:21:19,713 Oh, my God!