(lively drumroll)
("When Johnny Comes Marching Home")
- [Reporter] It's Support the Troops Week
here in Wilmington, Ohio.
Plus it's Homecoming weekend
for Wilmington's Fighting Quakers.
And don't forget the big county Corn Festival
is just around the corner.
- If this is any indication of how Mr. Trump's gonna do,
it's gonna be a landslide for Trump.
- [Reporter] Also a reminder about
that big Wilmington gun festival
which is going to be held at the Roberts Center
at the end of the month.
- You wanna see my 357?
- A lot of people say that Trump is a clown.
He won't be when he's president.
- Around here, I ain't heard nobody for Clinton.
- [Reporter] And speaking of guns,
and the people who want to take them away from us,
controversial filmmaker Michael Moore
will perform a one man show tonight at the Murphy Theater.
- Trump lost $914 million dollars,
but he got out of a lot of taxes for that, too,
so probably just a good idea.
- You know, he didn't get it handed down to him
like Hillary did from her parents.
- [Reporter] Ohio Republicans have tried to block
Moore from performing in the state,
with one local leader threatening to cut public funds
for the theater if the show goes on.
- I think it's gonna be close,
and I think that Hillary's going to have dead people vote.
(laughs)
- [Reporter] There's no word from the theater's benefactor
Conservative icon Glenn Beck where he stands on the issue.
- Michael Moore needs to go a little right.
- (laughs) He needs to go a little right.
- He needs to go to the right.
- We put the word out,
we wanted all types of people to come here tonight.
Do we have anybody here
who's thinking about voting for Donald Trump?
(audience applauds)
Good, thank you, welcome.
And how many people here are voting for Hillary?
(audience applauds)
Wow, so we've got a good mix here tonight.
Trump voters, we've got Hillary voters,
we've got people who aren't sure who they're gonna vote for,
we've got people who aren't gonna vote at all.
How about third party people.
Anybody voting for a third party candidate?
Can I ask you where Aleppo is?
(audience laughs)
Just kidding, just kidding.
The only thing you need to know about Wilmington,
it's the birthplace of the banana split.
How about that, huh? (audience applauds)
Hold the nuts!
(audience laughs)
Well, Wilmington, Ohio here
is the county seat of Clinton County, Ohio.
The irony was not lost on me,
probably from the first minute I entered this town.
It may be called Clinton County,
but it's not Clinton country.
Alright?
I mean seriously.
Trump got four times as many votes here
than Hillary did in the primary.
(light smattering of applause)
Right?
I mean I think in part it's because
the people who are more conservative,
Republicans, Trump voters, whatever,
It's something I actually admire about conservatives.
You have the courage of your convictions.
You are relentless.
You're like, "This is the way I believe!
"Damnnit, that's it!"
and we're like, "Well, I, I don't know,
"I could think about it a little bit and maybe."
(crowd laughs)
You know, these Trump voters, my friends,
are gonna be up at five in the morning on Election Day.
They're up at five in the morning a lot.
The only time we see five in the morning
is when we've been up partying all night.
That's five in the morning, yeah right.
(audience applauds)
Come on, everybody in here has got
a conservative in the family, right?
Many of you brought that person with you tonight.
A brother, a father, an uncle,
a brother-in-law, a sister,
not a sister, I know, I just threw that in there.
And they are the organized one in the family.
They never lose their car keys.
The conservatives, they've got little hooks in the,
by the back door, with a label on each hook.
That's my Beamer key, that's my F-150 key,
that's the key for the car Mathew McConaughey drives.
(audience laughs)
Our side, we're like,
this is how we, this is how we sound.
This is how we sound,
"So, uh, where do you want to go eat tonight?"
"I don't care, where do you want to go?"
"I don't know, wherever you want to go."
"No, no, no you picked last time."
"No, seriously wherever you want."
This is right?
Like the conservative, they're like,
"Get in the car, we're going to Outback!
"Get in there!"
(crowd laughing and applause)
Decisive, organized, discipline!
You've got to admire that about them.
(audience laughs)
No but, all kidding aside, as it says out on the marquee,
Trump voters welcome here tonight.
And I really wanted to invite
people who are thinking of voting for Donald Trump,
might be leaning toward Trump.
So, I just wanna, as a gesture of good will
to those of you who are thinking of voting for Donald Trump,
tonight I've done something to make you comfortable
in here amongst these liberals, and Bernie voters,
and third-party people, and undecideds and whatever,
and on the way in,
you might have noticed the ushers asked Mexicans,
and Mexican-Americans who were coming in
if they would sit in a special Mexican section.
We've segregated them out for you.
Where, oh there you are over there.
We gave them their own little, what?
She said she's from Guatemala.
Close enough.
It's, it's just so the Trump people wouldn't be nervous
we made it Mexican or Mexican-looking.
(audience laughs)
All right?
And during the show tonight
our production assistants will be building
a symbolic wall around them in the balcony.
Don't worry you will be able to get out.
You will have to pay to get out
of the wall at the end of the show.
And as an added gesture
we have placed any person that was Muslim or Muslim looking
in their own section here in the back.
Are the Muslims up there?
Here we go Muslims!
(cheering)
There they are.
Muslims, Muslim-Americans.
Right, let's hear it for them.
They're Americans.
But just so, just so that the Trump people
aren't too nervous about you being in here,
we are going to fly a drone above them
right within the theater here.
They're no weapons on the drone, we're nonviolent,
just cameras, so we'll be able to know,
you know, to just check in on you
to see how you're doing when,
what you're up to.
Now I see the shoulders of the Trump guy back there,
he's already relaxed.
So, see?
We've got it covered for you.
That's what I was willing to do
so that you would come here tonight.
I'll tell you one thing
if this eases your mind at all,
I have never voted for Hillary Clinton.
I voted for Obama in the primary in 2008,
and I voted for Bernie in the primary this year.
I actually never voted for Bill.
Back then I think I voted for Nader in '96
and '92 was probably a third party thing
because Clinton was just too,
he was a very conservative Democrat.
So I've never really voted for Hillary.
I am not a Hillary voter.
Thank you, thank you, you can applaud that.
You know we're all Americans, right?
Let's just start there.
Regardless who we're voting for, right?
(audience applauds)
We're all in the same boat,
and we're gonna sink or swim together.
And I'd rather we swim.
Because I believe we have more things in common than not.
We, we believe in the same things.
First of all we want the best schools for our kids, right?
Trump voters?
Right?
You want the best schools for your kids, that's not,
I know, I know there's a rule,
don't agree with Michael Moore on anything,
but I'm, I'm trying to come out and meet you halfway.
And the things we don't agree on,
alright, you love your guns.
I don't want a gun, I don't get a gun.
I won't get one.
You don't believe in abortion.
Okay, sir?
Do not have an abortion.
Don't, if you are against it, don't get one.
Who doesn't like the Supreme Court's decision
on gay marriage in here?
You don't support it.
Right? Right.
Anybody else back there?
Sir?
Okay, sir?
Then don't get gay married.
Right?
It's like, if,
if two gay people want to get married,
let them be married.
You don't want to be gay, trust me, you wont like it.
Alright?
It won't, it won't feel good, it won't look good.
(audience laughs)
I'm convinced that will end up in gay divorce,
which isn't even legal yet!
They only legalized gay marriage.
They forgot to legalize gay divorce!
I don't even know what that looks like!
(audience laughs)
So I met one of the five Democrats in town.
(audience laughs)
And he comes up to me yesterday
and he goes, "Mike, Mike, we got to do something
"about the millennials.
"They're, they're not gonna vote, they're not voting.
"What are we gonna do about the millennials?"
And I said, "Well, nothing.
"We already did something, we raised them."
That was a lot.
We raised this generation, my generation did, right?
We raised you, those of you who are millennials in here.
And you turned out, I think, pretty good.
I think your generation is, yes.
(audience applauds)
You're smart.
You come over and change the ink cartridges
for us in our printers.
(audience laughs)
When we can't get our device to work, we call you up
and you explain to us how to turn it off,
then turn it back on,
and it magically works again every time.
And you're not haters.
This is a generation of non-haters.
Have you noticed that?
I mean really the majority, (audience applauds)
the majority of 18 to 35 year olds
are, you know, they don't hate people
because of their skin color,
or because they're in love
with someone of their same gender.
I don't see it and it makes me feel really good
that we did something right.
So I said to this guy, I said, "Really, I don't,
"I don't think it's on us to do something about them.
"Because they didn't create climate change,
"they didn't send the troops to Iraq.
"You know, millennials didn't cause
"the Wall Street collapse.
"Why is it on them to fix our
"shitty situation that we've handed them?"
I mean seriously.
I mean.
I mean, there's something about when you're that age
and you're rebellious, and I want you to be that way.
I don't want you compromising.
You got plenty of time in the real world to compromise.
The rest of your life
you'll have plenty of time to compromise
and be in some shitty job that you can't stand,
you know, to be in some loveless marriage,
why be that way at 19?
Just don't compromise,
but also understand too,
that sometimes,
sometimes we have to take some medicine to get better.
And taking medicine isn't really a compromise,
it's a smart thing to do.
So you'll know what to do.
It's not the kids I'm worried about.
The kids are alright.
It's the angry white guy.
His days are numbered.
Total number of white guys
over the age of 35 now in the United States, 19%.
That's all we are guys.
(audience applauds)
Hey!
What, they're cheering our demise,
(audience laughs)
our extinction!
That's what's going on here, you know that right?
We know it, we guys know it.
We know it's over for us.
We had a good run, 10,000 years wasn't bad, right guys?
Right?
(audience applauds)
And now here we are in the 21st century.
For the first time ever,
there are now more single women than married women,
you aware of this?
(audience applauds)
Yes, see that guys?
Yeah, because they don't need us.
They can be single now.
100 years ago, they couldn't be single.
We had laws that wouldn't allow them to own property,
or have a bank account, or get divorced, right?
They couldn't sue in court.
There are all these laws.
Check this out, if you don't know this.
There were a long list of laws that prohibited women
from doing the basic things
that somebody should be able to do.
But now they don't need us.
We used to be useful for something, right?
Well we're needed to keep the species going.
That was our most important job.
What else were we good for?
Getting something off the top shelf.
Except now, they've invented in vitro fertilization,
and the portable aluminum stepladder.
(audience laughs)
You don't need us!
You don't need us for orgasms anymore.
Guys, you know they don't need us for that, right?
(audience laughs)
Somebody put out a book like 30 years ago,
"Our Bodies, Ourselves", taught women things
that God knows they shouldn't have been taught.
If Hillary wins, if the women take over,
and because they don't need us,
so you know what this is gonna lead to?
There are gonna be internment camps for men.
(audience laughs)
And Hillary will have all her you know,
Wellesley students there, with her clipboards,
checking us in to the internment camp.
They've got to pick out a few to keep the species going.
Who are they going to pick?
The smart ones, and the good-looking ones.
So all right,
already I'm looking at the faces of the guys here.
They already know they're in the camp.
We're all in line, we're gonna be in line there,
"You in there in the camp, yes you, keep going, you, you.
"Oh, you.
"over here."
(audience laughs)
The guys will go, "Oh just 'cause he's got
"a good six pack for the abs?
"I was gonna start going to the gym last month."
"Well, you should've fucking gone,
"because now you're going to the camp.
"Don't worry, there's gonna be lots of gyms
"in the guy camps."
And that's why they're so upset.
You've seen them at the rallies, right?
These guys at the Trump rallies, they're like,
(roars)
It's the sound of the dying dinosaur.
(mournful roars)
The signs are everywhere to them,
the women are taking over.
There's now more women that go to college than men?
There's more women in law school than men.
(audience applauds) Whoa, no!
I predict anthropologists, they will note the moment
it happened, when it was clear,
the men were on their way out
and the women were on their way in
and it was the Superbowl this past year.
You know, it's the halftime show,
Coldplay is playing one of their nice songs,
¶ Ooh, I love you, I love, ooh, ooh
And then Bruno Mars came on,
and then that sort of confused a lot of guys
watching the halftime show.
"Ooh, what is this?"
And then all of a sudden,
right in the middle of Bruno's song,
out comes Beyonce and 500 women in these uniforms,
with their fists clenched enraged,
and their shit-kicking boots on, taking the field.
No, it was like, oh my,
wait that's our game, what's she doing here?
(audience applauds)
That's where we're ending up, and guys know it.
And that's why they're at the Trump rallies.
That's why you hear that sound,
(mournful roaring)
"Donald, save us!"
"The women are coming!"
"The women are,"
"Hillary is Genghis Khan!"
"It's all over."
It doesn't feel good.
Eight years of a black president.
Okay, we got through that.
Now it's gonna be eight years of a woman president?
No, no, no!
No, because, no, because you know what happens after that?
It's gonna be eight years of the gays!
We'll have a gay president!
No!
And you know what comes after that, the transgenders.
Eight years of a transgender in the White House,
you're not gonna know which bathroom to use!
(audience laughs)
What's left after that?
After they've taken everything from us white straight guys?
Oh, the animal rights people.
PETA will take over the White House.
A fucking hamster is gonna be running this country.
A little hamster in the Oval Office on a wheel.
"Send in the next congressman" (maniacal laugh)
And finally, mother nature.
There are now less boy babies being born.
Mother nature has looked at the situation,
has decided that men are bad for the planet.
(audience laughs)
No woman has ever built a smoke stack.
No woman has invented an atomic or a hydrogen bomb.
And no women, no girls go into schools and shoot them up.
Not a single one of these school shootings
are girls, are they?
How can that be?
Think about that.
It's like, and it's not just school shootings,
it's like women generally don't shoot you.
(audience laughs)
Unless you deserve it.
(audience applauds)
I mean, usually,
when a woman shoots her husband or her boyfriend,
some thought has gone into it.
(audience laughs)
That's actually true with most crimes.
How many female arsonists are there?
Or burglars?
Or rapists?
Or, I mean you go down the whole list of crimes.
We're actually quite safe from 51% of the population.
Right?
I mean it's like.
When you, when you leave here tonight
and wander out onto the dark streets of Wilmington, Ohio,
it's a rough town out there, but you know, it's dark.
You're on a dark street, you're just a little more aware.
What are you being aware of?
A woman gonna jump out of the bushes and stab you to death?
Is a woman gonna mug you?
Whatever you're afraid of, does not wear a dress.
(audience laughs)
Or a pantsuit.
(audience laughs and applauds)
Oh man, see but that's,
you must understand the Trump voter.
These are legitimate concerns, legitimate concerns.
And I think, you know,
we're laughing a lot about this stuff,
and thank you Trump voters for letting us
have a little bit of laughter over this.
But I actually wrote something today
while I was sitting here at the official hotel of the,
of the Murphy Theater,
the Holiday Inn Express.
And ah...
Can I read this to you, do you mind if I,
I just wrote this, I just want to,
I want to read it to you.
Because I know a lot of people in Michigan
that are planning to vote for Trump.
And, um, they're not,
they don't necessarily like him that much,
and they don't necessarily agree with him.
They're not racist and rednecks and,
they're actually pretty decent people.
And so I wanted to sort of,
after talking to a number of them, I wanted to sort of,
I wanted to write this and,
Donald Trump came to the Detroit Economic Club,
and stood there in front of the Ford Motor executives
and said, "If you close these factories
"as you're planning to do in Detroit,
"and build them in Mexico,
"I'm going to put a 35% tariff on those cars
"when you send them back, and nobody is going to buy them."
It was an amazing thing to see.
No politician, Republican or Democrat,
had ever said anything like that to these executives.
And it was music to the ears
of people in Michigan, and Ohio, and Pennsylvania,
and Wisconsin, the Brexit states.
(audience laughs quietly)
You live here in Ohio, you know what I'm talking about.
Whether Trump means it or not
is kind of irrelevant, because he's saying the things
to people who are hurting.
And it's why every beaten down, nameless,
forgotten working stiff, who used to be part of
what was called the middle class, loves Trump.
He is the human Molotov cocktail
that they've been waiting for.
The human hand grenade that they can legally throw
into the system that stole their lives from them.
And on November 8th, Election Day,
although they've lost their jobs,
although they've been foreclosed on by the bank,
next came the divorce, and now the wife and kids are gone,
the car's been repo'ed,
they haven't had a real vacation in years,
they're stuck with the shitty Obamacare bronze plan,
where you can't even get a fucking Percocet,
they've essentially lost everything they had,
except one thing.
The one thing that doesn't cost them a cent,
and is guaranteed to them by the American Constitution,
the right to vote.
They might be penniless, they might be homeless,
they might be fucked over and fucked up.
It doesn't matter, because it's equalized on that day.
A millionaire has the same number of votes
as the person without a job, one.
And there's more of the former middle class
than there are in the millionaire class.
So on November 8th,
the dispossessed will walk into the voting booth,
be handed a ballot, close the curtain,
and take that lever, or felt pen, or touch screen,
and put a big fucking X in the box
by the name of the man who has threatened to upend
and overturn the very system
that has ruined their lives,
Donald J. Trump.
They see that the elites who ruined their lives hate Trump.
Corporate America hates Trump.
Wall Street hates Trump.
The career politicians hate Trump.
The media hates Trump,
after they loved him and created him,
and now hate him, thank you media.
The enemy of my enemy is who I'm voting for on November 8th.
Yes, on November 8th, you, Joe Blow,
Steve Blow, Bob Blow, Billy Blow,
Billy Bob Blow, all the Blows,
get to go and blow up
the whole goddamn system, because it's your right.
Trump's election is going to be the biggest fuck you
ever recorded in human history.
And it will feel
good.
For a day.
Maybe a week.
Possibly a month.
And then, like the Brits,
who wanted to send a message
so they voted to leave Europe
only to find out that if you vote to leave Europe
you actually have to leave Europe.
(audience laughs)
And now they regret it.
All the Ohioans, Pennsylvanians, Michiganders,
and Wisconsinites of middle England, right?
They all voted to leave
and now they regret it
and over four million of them have signed a petition
to have a do-over.
They want another election.
It ain't gonna happen
because you used the ballot
as an anger management tool.
And now you're fucked.
And the rest of Europe, the rest of Europe,
they're like, "Bye Felicia."
(audience laughs and claps)
So when the rightfully angry people of Ohio,
and Michigan, and Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin
find out after a few months in office,
that President Trump wasn't going to do
a damned thing for them,
it will be too late to do anything about it.
But I get it.
You wanted to send a message.
You had righteous anger
and justifiable anger.
Well, message sent.
Goodnight America.
You've just elected the last president of the United States.
(news station jingle)
- Good evening, Terri Hardesty
reporting from our nation's capital.
Donald J.Trump was sworn in today
as the 45th president of the United States.
- [Donald] I, Donald J. Trump,
- As some had predicted,
the shit show started within minutes.
Before the parade,
President Trump ordered an aerial bombardment
of all Mexican border towns.
(explosions)
The instatement of stop and frisk checkpoints
at all U.S. inner cities,
and the deportation of Rosie O'Donnell to American Samoa,
to which Trump replied, "Hey, it's not really a deportation,
we own the damn fat farm for Christ's sakes."
The inaugural parade finally got underway,
but only after President Trump insisted on
flying over the parade route in his Trump helicopter
once he learned that he was expected to get out of his limo
and walk to the White House.
Upon arriving, the president walked inside
the 200 year old structure, took a brief look around,
and we have this exclusively,
a recording made by a White House maid on her cell phone.
- In other news, by day's end,
20 million Americans who say they voted for Trump
had signed an online petition,
asking for a do-over election.
Finally, this will be our last broadcast
as the new Trump channel run by
Roger Ailes and Breitbart News,
will be taking over this network
and featuring all reality, all day, every day.
Trump himself will be hosting
The Real World 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
and You're Fired, America,
a nightly show where your job may be next.
I'm Terri Hardesty signing off, good luck America.
(audience applauds)
Just wanted you to see what it's going to look like.
Um, so here's my question.
What is our problem with Hillary?
What's your problem?
What is your problem with Hillary?
You know, I got my problems.
I can, I'll tell you what my problem is with her.
She voted for the Iraq war.
She's too cozy with Wall Street.
Those are big ones.
We don't really talk about the issues, do we?
Whenever they talk about Hillary,
when anyone talks about Hillary it's about
how you like her or don't like her.
And the people that don't like her,
and that's on the right and the left, don't like her.
But what is this about her being likeable?
You're not going to the voting booth to vote for a friend.
"I want her to be my friend."
No, I don't want her to be my friend.
I want her to,
I want them not to like her up on Capitol Hill.
I want the people she's negotiating with
not to like her.
You don't want somebody all likable.
"Sure, whatever you say."
"Okay, I'll sign here."
(audience laughs)
What else, what are the other knocks on Hillary?
Not trustworthy, right?
We hear that a lot, she's not trustworthy.
How did she prove her distrust-worthiness to you?
Did she, did she promise to water the plants
for you while you were gone, and then didn't?
Now we're talking about differences,
you say well she flip-flops or whatever,
well everybody changes, everybody evolves,
I hope they do, right?
We want our Trump voter friends in here tonight,
we're asking them to maybe change.
If you just stay in cement, it's like okay so she's learned.
She was against, she fought gay marriage
and then she was for it.
Well I'd rather that, than staying against gay marriage.
I don't think that's a bad thing.
She said her Iraq War vote was wrong.
She's never done anything more wrong than that.
Okay it's not exactly I'm sorry,
but that pretty, okay she's a politician, I accept that.
What else, what else?
What are the other knocks on Hillary?
Benghazi.
Okay Benghazi, yes.
She got up in the middle of the night
and personally planned, with ISIS
which she and Obama created,
according to Trump, they invented ISIS,
and they planned this attack
to kill our people there at the Consulate in Benghazi.
- [Audience Member] She was cleared six times.
- Oh she's been cleared of the charges six times.
That's not enough!
(audience laughs)
You have to be, if you're Hillary Clinton
you have to be cleared eight times.
- [Audience Member] The Clinton Foundation.
- Oh the Clinton Foundation.
Well thank God there's a Clinton Foundation,
look at all the good they've done.
(audience cheers) You know?
I mean,
and if what they say is true,
and so they get to have a meeting with Hillary,
and what's their meeting, she's still Hillary Clinton.
It's not like they get to go in there and say
"I need you to bomb,
"I need you to,
"I need you to bomb Yemen."
"Okay, how much did you give the Clinton Foundation?"
"I gave the Clinton Foundation $50 million dollars."
"Call in the air strikes."
That's not what's going on.
Generally, what the Obama administration
state department has done, not everything,
has been good for the world.
The world likes us a little bit better
than when George W. Bush was in the White House, right?
(audience cheers and claps) So.
But what else?
Remember I'm not a Hillary voter, so what else, what else?
(audience shouts off-mic) Huh?
- [Audience Member] She forgot to tell us she was sick.
- Yes, that one.
- [Audience Member] It was pneumonia.
- She wouldn't tell us she had pneumonia.
And I want to say something about that.
I just feel bad
that she didn't tell the truth about her pneumonia.
And what I feel bad about is not her being a liar,
but that she has got to a point in her life
where she can't even trust us.
If she had just said
"I've got pneumonia and I've got to take the weekend off."
What would the response have been?
It would have been, "It takes a village."
Right?
What she taught us.
She can't quite trust that
about the United States of America.
That's a sad commentary on us.
That's not really on her.
Can't we start saying something nice about her?
You know, even the Trump people in here, you know?
Or conservative people, Bernie people,
can't you say something nice about Hillary Clinton?
Isn't this they way we were raised?
Didn't your grandmother tell you like she told me
"You can say something nice about everybody
except Hitler and Matt Lauer."
(audience laughs)
Just to prove it to you, I will start off,
I'll start off by saying something nice.
I'll say three things nice about George W. Bush.
Just to prove, just to prove this can be done,
all right?
Number one,
I think he did a good job raising those two daughters.
They seem like very fine women, they seem to love their dad.
Number two, Bono.
Bono credits Bush with breaking the log jam
and getting funds for AIDS relief in Africa,
that Bush put a whole bunch of money
into Africa for AIDS relief.
(audience applauds)
And number three,
um, he loves his dogs!
Yes, that's number three.
He loved Barney, Barney loved him.
He was so good with those dogs.
Okay, there's three nice things about Bush.
I've said them.
So, to say something nice about Hillary.
We're gonna start with a man.
I filmed this seventeen years ago,
I had a show called The Awful Truth
on the Bravo network.
And, (audience applauds) thank you.
It was during the Lewinsky scandal,
and Clinton was being impeached,
there was a lot of speculation that she might leave him.
And we had this idea on the show,
that let's go out and try and find her a date.
She deserves a date with a nice guy.
If we have that ready in the booth, can we show them?
This is 1998.
- [Reporter] We're doing an interview
about Hillary Clinton being single.
- Oh really? - Yeah, what do you think?
- Well I think that Hillary Clinton's
a hell of a good woman and I hope she's not single
in a year and a half, I hope they stay together
and I think they will.
I think she's very committed,
and I think he's very committed.
- [Reporter] You think that she's not gonna be out having a,
you don't wanna date her when she's single?
- No, I think that she's very happy.
I hope she's very happy with her husband.
and I think she understands her husband better than anybody,
and I think she'll be just fine.
- [Reporter] So wow, okay.
- Okay?
- [Reporter] So no dating advice?
- I don't wanna give her any dating advice.
She's gonna be married to our current president
for a long time.
- [Reporter] Alright, Donald. - I hope.
- [Reporter] Thanks a lot.
I'll tell her you're not interested.
- Tell her.
Have a good time.
- [Reporter] Bye.
- Well, I just left Michael and he's a good man.
He's a good man, he's done a good job.
- [Reporter] Yeah, okay, thanks.
- 'Kay, have a good time. - Bye.
(audience laughs and claps)
- See?
See, he said something nice about Hillary, and me.
Right, so if he can do it, you can do it.
Anybody, just raise your hand.
Yes, go ahead.
She's overqualified.
Is that a nice thing?
Usually I'm, I used to be told that
when I didn't get the job.
Right down here in the center, yes, sir.
- [Audience Member] She's super smart.
- She's super smart.
(audience cheers)
Over here.
- Hillary actually knows where Aleppo is.
- Hillary knows where Aleppo is!
There you go!
Do we have anybody, anybody from the
I don't like Hillary camp
that can say something nice about her.
Yes sir, in the red.
(mumbles)
She's what?
She stood by her man?
Yeah.
(audience laughs)
How 'bout the Mexicans up there?
(speaking Spanish)
True, that's very true.
Let's check in with our Muslims.
How are they doing up there?
Okay, we'll have to get that fixed.
So anybody else?
Come on.
Right down here in the front row, yes.
- I think she's every single thing
we say we want our daughters to be.
She's smart, she works hard, she's independent,
and she doesn't take any shit from anybody.
- Wow, that was, that was beautifully put.
Alright, right behind, yes.
Sir, right back there.
- I like her ads, she really has fought for our,
- [Michael] You like her ass?
(audience laughs)
- Ad. Commercial.
- Her ads, oh, her ads.
- She really has
fought for opportunity for kids for her entire life.
(audience applauds) - Yes, that's very nice.
Alright let me say something nice about Hillary.
I'm glad she killed Vince Foster.
(audience laughs)
That's another knock on her, she killed Vince Foster.
White House Deputy Counsel,
the Clintons had been in there six months,
all of a sudden, a Sunday morning he's found dead
in his car in a park on the Potomac River,
bullet hole in the head and a suicide note in his hand.
And ever since that, how long?
Right, those of us, you're a little older?
Right, how long have we had to listen to this, since 1993
that Hillary killed Vince Foster?
I hope she did.
(audience laughs)
Because that's badass, man.
How'd she do that?
She must have jacked his car at like
eight in the morning on a Sunday before going to church,
shot him, written that suicide note
like a Jon Benet type note, put that it in his hand,
went back to the White House for breakfast.
Bill had no idea.
Go on the Internet tonight and type in,
Hillary and murderer into Google
and see what comes up, seriously.
She has killed 46 people.
46 people.
With her own bare hands.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is who I want for commander-in-chief.
Somebody who's not afraid to kill somebody!
We haven't had somebody in the Oval Office
who has killed somebody since Ulysses S. Grant.
ISIS is going to shit
if she's president.
And you know what the jihadist rule is,
it's not martyrdom if you're killed by a woman.
If a girl kills you, you don't go to paradise,
you don't get the 72 virgins,
it's like you're in a permanent high school cafeteria table
all alone with the rest of the cafeteria mocking you
cause a girl killed you.
Listen you don't want the 70-year old out of shape guy
who's had nannies and servants his whole life.
You want somebody who, in the middle of the night,
as commander-in-chief, will parachute in with Delta Force
and slit the throats of two-dozen terrorists
in their sleep.
(audience applauds)
Yeah!
Um, I got a surprise for you tonight.
Um, someone from the Trump campaign
has leaked us a copy of their new ad.
- [Narrator] The diseases, she's had them all,
pneumonia, hypothyroidism, allergies, yeast infection,
urinary tract discomfort, pregnancy, childbirth,
time-of-month disorder, bleeding from wherever disease,
and menopause.
Do you want a commander-in-chief
whose lady parts are out of control?
Or do you want a fit, buff leader
who will be the healthiest president ever?
Ever?
Even healthier than Teddy Roosevelt,
and he was shot in the chest.
Yes, there's only one candidate this year
healthy enough to spawn an entire new breed of humans.
Vote Trump, he never gets sick.
- Well I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue
and shoot somebody, and I wouldn't lose any voters, okay?
- [Narrator] Now that's sick.
- I'm Donald Trump, and I so approve this message.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Effective.
I think he's gonna do really well.
I want to tell you a little story.
When I wrote my first book in 1996,
it was called Downsize This
And there was a chapter in there called
My Forbidden Love For Hillary.
And so you've probably seen these
different photographs
behind me on the stage here tonight.
I was just really upset with the way she was being treated
when she was First Lady.
I mean she was being knocked and criticized all the time,
she was being made fun of.
How she looked, how she dressed.
And, and also for being the co-president.
Right?
Because, remember when she said that they were,
she was being criticized during the campaign
when Bill first ran and she said,
"Look I'm not some little lady gonna be in the kitchen
"baking cookies and hosting teas."
Attacks on her started then,
and she was the butt of jokes of late night comedians.
I remember there was one,
one joke was,
"Hey have you heard about the new Hillary combo at KFC?
"It's got two large thighs, two small breasts,
"and two left wings."
And I thought about it for a minute, and I thought,
well, it sounds pretty good to me.
(audience laughs)
No but I just,
I thought she was beautiful.
I thought she was smart.
I thought she was a nice person.
I didn't understand what this was.
And so I wrote this chapter called
My Forbidden Love For Hillary.
And I got invited to a White House dinner.
And to give you some context for this, the dinner took place
the night before Clinton's impeachment, okay?
So what a night to be there, right?
He didn't look good. Um...
Do we have the picture of me at the White house?
There I am, there I am.
Hey, I clean up okay, right?
(audience laughs)
You go through this reception line before the dinner,
and you walk into the East Room,
and there's a Marine guard there who announces you,
and so there's like 100 people going through the line.
So I'm standing there,
and you're told
"You get five seconds, then you gotta keep moving.
"Shake their hands, say something nice, move on."
And the marine goes, "Mr. President and Madame First Lady,
"uh, Michael Moore?"
(audience laughs)
So I walked in there,
and Bill grabs my hand, and he goes,
"Oh Michael Moore, I just, I love you.
"I love your number one fan,
"I love, I love your show TV Nation.
"I remember that one episode you did,
"where you went to Idaho, and you went to that Klan rally,
"oh that was just,"
And I'm thinking, "What?"
(audience laughs)
Like these Clintons are good, man,
there's 100 people here
and he's got a story for every one of them.
He's referencing an obscure episode,
on a Friday night show on NBC,
of mine.
And he's like,
it's like he knows,
and he's accurately describing the episode.
And I'm thinking, man.
"And I just I love Roger and Me,
"You're just, I'm your number one fan."
And at that moment, Hillary grabs my hand,
takes it out of his hand, and says to him,
"No you're not, I'm his number one fan."
And then she just,
(audience applauds)
And she goes, "I just want to say,
"what you wrote about me in your book.
"I'm just, it was so wonderful,
"and that first line in the book."
And my face was turning red, right?
And, 'cause the first line in the chapter of
My Forbidden Love For Hillary,
where I have all these photos of her,
the first line was,
"Hillary Clinton, she's one hot shit-kicking feminist babe."
(audience laughs)
"I just, I love everything.
"And when you talked about me on The Today Show, that just,"
And now at this point, I had been there for too long.
Her aide is like stepping in,
because she thinks I'm holding the line up,
but it's Hillary that won't let me go.
And Hillary sees the aide coming,
and she goes like this, "Shoo, shoo."
And I said, "Well I just, listen, I just think,
"I'm so sorry you're going through all this
"with you know, but you're a good person.
"And you seem like a good mom.
"And you should run for Senate."
(Michael laughs and audience laughs)
And now, I could not, I went through all the files
trying to find this picture of her holding my hand,
but there is a picture that was snapped
just as I walked away.
Okay, check this,
alright, look at this, look at this.
That's right, that's the truth.
This is all true, look at that.
One of them is really happy, and one of them is not.
(audience laughs)
And that's when she took me up to the Lincoln Bedroom, um...
(audience laughs)
No, no, no, nothing happened, nothing happened.
I'm just saying though, it was a very special moment for me,
because I just felt you know, she had been,
it was, her treatment was just awful.
If you're young, you don't know this.
If you weren't alive then, you don't know it.
But people that were alive then,
you know what I'm saying, right?
I'm not making this up, I'm not exaggerating it, am I?
You know, and the knock on her was just awful.
Last year, I was shooting my, a movie, "Where To Invade Next",
and we went to this country, Estonia.
I wanted to go there because I was trying to show
in different countries, what they do better than us,
and what can we learn from them?
And so, I went to Estonia because they are,
the World Health Organization says
that you have the least chance as a woman,
dying in childbirth in Estonia,
than in any other country on the planet.
If you live in Cleveland,
you have a three times greater chance of dying in childbirth
than you do in Estonia.
And so they took me to the maternity ward,
and they had the head doctor of the maternity ward,
and he's showing me around,
and he's telling me why they're so good at this.
We're walking down this hallway,
and there's a picture on the wall.
And I stopped him, and I said, "Wait a minute.
"I know the person in that photo."
That's me and the doctor there in the hallway.
Can we just punch in a little bit on this here.
It's Hillary Clinton, shaking this guy's hand.
I said, "Where did this happen?"
He said, "It happened right where you're standing."
I said "Oh my God, who's the guy?"
"That is me, twenty years ago."
I said "Oh my God.
"Okay, so what was she doing in Estonia?"
"Well, don't you remember?
"She wanted you to have universal healthcare.
"So she was studying.
"She went around the world to study it.
"And she came to little Estonia
"for the same reason you're here tonight.
"To find out why so many more women survive childbirth here
"than in the United States."
And I said, "Oh my God, wow, she came here?"
"Yes, and then she went back,
"and you didn't listen to her.
"Instead, you humiliated her, and attacked her.
"And you've gone twenty years now
"without universal healthcare.
"And we've had it."
I said, "um, I made this movie, Sicko."
and while making the movie I learned that
according to the congressional budget office,
nearly 50,000 Americans die each year
for one simple reason.
They don't have health insurance
or they don't have adequate health insurance.
In other words, not because of the disease,
not because of the germs in the hospital,
but because they didn't have health insurance
they put off going to the doctor,
or they had crappy health insurance
and the doctor couldn't send them to the specialist
that he wanted to send them to.
So they died.
They died only because they were Americans.
If they lived across the river from Detroit
in Windsor, Canada they'd be alive.
But because they were American, they died.
50,000 a year.
And I sat there and I started doing the math of this.
Like, 20 years, 50,000 people dead.
Holy shit.
It's like a million people.
That's a million of our fellow Americans dead
because they didn't have health insurance.
If they'd been Canadian or French or Scottish,
or Chilean,
or just about anywhere else in the world,
they would have lived.
Every 9/11, we have somber vigils and memorials
for the 3,000 Americans who died in that attack,
as we should.
3000.
I still tear up over it.
One of my producers was on the plane from Boston
that went in the North Tower.
We shed no tears for the million Americans
who have died from that act of terrorism.
One million dead Americans
because we refused to listen to Hillary Clinton.
Who are we?
And what is terrorism?
We don't think for one second
about the one million dead Americans killed
by a system run by greed.
Greed of the insurance companies.
(audience applauds) One million dead.
It's wrong, it's just wrong.
One million of our fellow Americans.
Where are the tears for them?
Where are their names on a marble wall?
I saw some of you standing.
I know why the response to that,
cause we all know somebody, don't we?
We all have a family member, a neighbor,
somebody we went to school with, somebody at work,
somebody down the street, somebody we heard about.
They put off going to the doctor.
Or they went but they didn't have enough health insurance.
And even with Obamacare
we still have almost thirty million
with no health insurance.
These are our fellow Americans.
And yet Hillary was attacked,
she was humiliated.
You remember this, when this happened?
People in Congress were like "Get rid of her.
"She's not the President.
"Nobody elected you."
And it went down to defeat.
And it never got brought up again did it,
until Obama started bringing it up.
Never got brought up again.
And they forced her to change into someone else.
She was told to shut up.
And she started baking the cookies and hosting the teas.
I don't know, something's wrong here.
In a way we have a chance to redeem ourselves,
don't we, for this.
It's possible, I don't know.
You know when you've got the Pope saying
that what you're doing is a sin,
that it's a sin not to help someone when they're sick,
and not have them worry about how much it cost them,
because in the Bible it says, right?
I mean Jesus laid it out,
I know you're not here for a religion lesson,
but if you believe in that,
he lays it out pretty clearly right?
But this new Pope he gets it.
What's the deal with him?
Whoa,
right?
I mean, he was,
he's like, he's like, I got a theory about him too
because he was in Buenos Aires, right?
During the time of the Junta,
during the time of the generals, right?
When all those people were killed, he was the guy.
He was the guy for the Catholic Church there,
what did he do?
What did he say?
I don't remember anything.
I remember on the day he was elected pope,
I remember thinking, "Oh, this is not good."
And then within a month, he's like,
"Okay, atheists go to heaven."
Atheists go to heaven?
He said if he could personally apologize
to every gay and lesbian,
for the harm caused to them by the Catholic Church,
he would like to do that.
Wow. (audience applauds)
Then he said capitalism is a sin.
Whoa!
Oh!
When he said that I thought, oh my God.
I, actually I don't know if you remember this,
I volunteered publicly to be
his soup taste tester, you know?
Like they're gonna kill this guy for sure now!
He said, "When you die, your pets will be in heaven
"there to greet you."
Aww, aww!
No this guy, right?
How did he get the job?
He must have kept quiet all those years.
But he's thinking, he's planning.
He gets all these other cardinals
to think he's some conservative asshole
from some South American dictatorship.
Then they vote him in, and they're like, "Whoa!"
They don't know what to do.
But he bided his time, he bided his time.
And I've had this crazy feeling lately, and I know,
I'm sorry to lay too much optimism on you here tonight,
what if, what if Hillary becomes our Pope Francis?
What if she has her Pope Frank moment?
What if all this time, right?
This has been part of her long game?
Like she's had this ambition since she was a teenager.
When she was in college she gave the graduation speech.
If you read her speech, it reads like Bernie wrote it.
This is actually her voice at the age of 22
giving her graduation speech.
Listen to this.
- [Hillary] The struggle for an integrated life
existing in an atmosphere of communal trust and respect
is one with desperately important
political and social consequences.
And the word consequences, of course,
catapults us into the future.
One of the most tragic things that happened yesterday,
a beautiful day, was that I was talking to a woman
who said she wouldn't want to be me
for anything in the world.
She wouldn't want to live today
and look ahead to what it is she sees, because she's afraid.
Fear is always with us, but we just don't have time for it.
Not now.
- Fear.
It's like the women of Hillary's generation
were the first feminists of the modern era.
They were raised by women.
Their mothers and grandmothers
had to go to work during World War II
because the men were gone.
It was the first time women were able to
leave the house and have a job.
And they worked in factories, they worked in the office,
they ran the country.
They did all the work.
And then after the war, the men came home
and they told the women to go back to the kitchen,
and they did, most of them.
But they didn't,
they didn't leave or forget what it was like
to have that freedom to earn their own money.
The women of that World War II generation
raised that next generation.
That's Hillary's generation.
There's women in here tonight of that generation,
of my generation even.
You know what it was like back then.
Younger people in here, I gotta tell you something.
It was not pleasant
to stand up for what you believed in.
It was not easy
to say, "I want it to be this way."
The harassment that they suffered,
the abuse that they took at work, at school,
if they decided to stand up
they were sure to be alone,
other than a few other women,
young girls that were with them.
Hillary went through this whole thing.
She went through the same thing.
I'm seeing some women nod their heads,
you know what I'm talking about.
You know, getting pinched on the ass everyday
was a common occurrence.
You could say all kinds of shit to women.
You could threaten them.
There was no such thing as
battered spousal abuse, whatever.
There was not a word for it.
And the shit that Hillary took
as a young woman,
marrying Bill Clinton, going to Arkansas.
She decided that she was going to have her own job.
She was going to work for the Legal Aid Society
helping poor people with free legal help.
And people in Arkansas were like, "What's this?"
He lost his election,
according to the pundits in Arkansas,
because she refused to change her last name to his.
She was known as Hillary Rodham,
and all the papers, everybody said,
"Well you know, this is Arkansas."
And so to help him out in the next election
she changed her name
to Hillary Rodham Clinton.
And to help him out further on, she dropped the Rodham.
She was willing to subjugate and submerge herself
to help him do this, and to take the shit for it.
I have a theory about this,
I don't think she's forgotten one bit of this.
(audience laughs)
I don't think she's forgotten one single inch
of this abuse from the time she was in high school,
all the way up until 10 o'clock this morning.
I think it's all there.
And I think that she's been biding her time.
My hope, my optimism for this,
Hillary, if you're watching this right now,
I have a feeling somebody is going to
slip you a tape of this.
I just want to tell you something.
I know you've been waiting, and waiting,
and waiting, and waiting.
But you're not alone.
A whole bunch of the rest of us have been waiting
for that glorious moment when the other gender,
the majority gender, has a chance to run this world,
to have real power, and kick some righteous ass.
(audience cheers and applauds)
And we are counting on you to do this,
right?
(audience cheers and applauds)
I wanna see what that world looks like, don't you?
(audience cheers)
Where she's just gonna go in there and says,
"Enough of the bullshit."
Inauguration Day, after all the inaugural balls,
they pull up to the White House, her and Bill to go in.
She says, "No Bill, no, no, no, no.
"You're staying at Blair House.
"I'm gonna go in here and run the country
"the way it should've been run."
And then she goes in there and she just starts signing
one Executive Order after another.
Her first 100 days, right?
Like FDR,
like doesn't need Congress,
just start signing Executive Orders.
Immigrants, you stay.
Signed.
Flint, Michigan, new water pipes for you, signed.
(audience applauds)
Food and Drug Administration,
high fructose corn syrup banned, signed.
(audience applauds)
Prisons, release all non-violent drug offenders now.
Signed.
(audience applauds)
Justice Department, prosecute all police
who kill unarmed black men now, signed!
(audience applauds)
Well that's my hope.
And after that, after she signs these Executive Orders,
then she puts on those shit-kicking boots
that Beyonce wore on the football field,
and she goes up to Capitol Hill, and she says,
"Okay, I'm here to end the gridlock.
"No kumbaya.
"Who's up for it?"
Because the average American believes in fairness.
They believe women should be paid the same as men.
They want to drink clean water,
they want to breathe clean air,
the majority of Americans do believe in climate change.
And if these guys aren't gonna do their job,
she'll make them do the job.
And she can be our Pope Francis,
maybe, right?
But here's what I, this is, I want to say this
just to close out, because
I think that this isn't gonna happen
if we leave her on her own again
the way we abandoned her back during the healthcare days.
She's gonna need a revolution behind her,
the Bernie revolution.
That's what Bernie says, November 9th,
the day after the election, right?
It's our responsibility to hold her to her word,
but also when she does follow through
to be there to support her, and get behind her.
And let me say this, if for some reason
she goes back on her word, she doesn't do these things,
and after two years of this,
she hasn't done what she said she's gonna do,
I am here tonight in Wilmington, Ohio to announce to you
my candidacy for president of the United States in 2020!
(audience applauds) (grand music)
I will run!
I know Kanye has already said he's gonna run,
I'll run with Kanye and Kanye can run with me.
I will run for President of the United States!
And ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen,
let me tell you what I'm going to do
if you elect me president in 2020.
Number one, there will be one charge cord for all devices,
your phone, your tablet, your computer, one charge cord.
If you elect me president, free HBO for all Americans!
(audience applauds) Yes!
I will save the US Postal Service
by having every mailman and mailwoman, on Friday,
deliver one gram of weed to your mailbox,
everybody, everybody!
(audience applauds)
For the weekend, two joints,
two joints for all Americans every weekend!
It will be a better weekend.
When I'm president,
only women will be able to buy and own guns.
(audience applauds)
I will bring down the murder rate
significantly with this plan.
In case we need to go to war,
the first people on the ship over to the war
will be the offspring of the CEOs
and the members of Congress, they will go first.
When I'm president, corporations will not be people.
(audience applauds)
We're gonna have a new national anthem, one we can sing,
and one that doesn't have a racist third verse.
Our new national anthem will be
We Are the Champions of the World.
We're gonna have new enemies,
no more of this North Korean and Iran shit.
Our new enemies will be Monsanto and Wells Fargo.
(audience applauds)
And finally, during my four years in the White House,
there will be free banana splits
for every American on the Fourth of July,
sent to you from Wilmington, Ohio.
Everybody's gonna work, everybody's gonna work here.
(audience applauds)
And let me tell you,
as we close,
I just want to say a word again about Hillary
and you still don't like her, you still hate her.
You don't wanna vote for her.
Let me just say this to you very sincerely.
I'm gonna ask you to make a sacrifice for your country.
And I'm not gonna ask you to stop hating her.
If you want to hate her, just keep hating her, all right?
I don't want to try and convince you any more of this.
If you hate her, hate her.
I want you to get up on Election Day on November 8th,
and I want you to wake up out of your
Hillary nightmare dream.
I want you to get in the shower
and have a real hate Hillary shower.
Suds yourself up, rinse and repeat.
Then get in the car
and drive with all the road rage you can.
"Oh, I hate Hillary!
"I hate her so much!"
And I want you to drive to the polls,
I want you to drive to the polls.
Get out of the car, walk in there, go in the voting booth,
and you're gonna see her name on the ballot
and you're gonna go, "Mother fucking Hillary!
"No way!"
But yes way, way because America needs you.
You're gonna do this for your country, all right?
Keep hating her, though.
Keep hating her all you want.
But just pick up that pen.
Pick up that pen.
You might need the other hand.
Hold it down, hold your arm,
"No, I can't I hate her!"
Yes, I know.
(screams) "No, don't make me Mike, no!
"No, yes!"
Do it!
Boom.
"Oh, I feel so awful.
"I voted for Hillary Clinton."
That's okay, feel awful, you should.
Go home, keep hating all you want,
but you've done something good for this country.
And on that night, at 11pm,
when the poll results come in
and we find out that we've elected
the first woman president of the United States,
we are all gonna rejoice, aren't we folks?
(audience applauds)
We are all gonna have a big party.
A big party.
And we're gonna celebrate.
We're gonna go and dig up Vince Foster and kill him again!
Thank you everybody, good night!
(audience applauds)
Thank you, thank you!
(grand orchestral music)
Go vote!
Go vote, Ohio!
Trumpland!
(grand orchestral music)
Thank you everyone!
(grand orchestral music)
(audience applauds)
(grand orchestral music)
Mexicans up there, don't forget to pay!
When you leave the wall, you have to pay for that wall.