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(lively drumroll)

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("When Johnny Comes Marching
Home")

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- [Reporter] It's
Support the Troops Week

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here in Wilmington, Ohio.

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Plus it's Homecoming weekend

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for Wilmington's
Fighting Quakers.

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And don't forget the
big county Corn Festival

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is just around the corner.

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- If this is any indication
of how Mr. Trump's gonna do,

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it's gonna be a
landslide for Trump.

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- [Reporter] Also
a reminder about

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that big Wilmington gun festival

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which is going to be held
at the Roberts Center

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at the end of the month.

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- You wanna see my 357?

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- A lot of people say
that Trump is a clown.

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He won't be when he's president.

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- Around here, I ain't
heard nobody for Clinton.

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- [Reporter] And
speaking of guns,

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and the people who want
to take them away from us,

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controversial
filmmaker Michael Moore

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will perform a one man show
tonight at the Murphy Theater.

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- Trump lost $914
million dollars,

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but he got out of a lot
of taxes for that, too,

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so probably just a good idea.

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- You know, he didn't
get it handed down to him

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like Hillary did
from her parents.

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- [Reporter] Ohio Republicans
have tried to block

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Moore from performing
in the state,

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with one local leader
threatening to cut public funds

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for the theater if
the show goes on.

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- I think it's gonna be close,

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and I think that Hillary's
going to have dead people vote.

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(laughs)

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- [Reporter] There's no word
from the theater's benefactor

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Conservative icon Glenn Beck
where he stands on the issue.

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- Michael Moore needs
to go a little right.

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- (laughs) He needs
to go a little right.

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- He needs to go to the right.

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- We put the word out,

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we wanted all types of
people to come here tonight.

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Do we have anybody here

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who's thinking about
voting for Donald Trump?

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(audience applauds)

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Good, thank you, welcome.

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And how many people here
are voting for Hillary?

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(audience applauds)

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Wow, so we've got a
good mix here tonight.

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Trump voters, we've
got Hillary voters,

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we've got people who aren't
sure who they're gonna vote for,

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we've got people who
aren't gonna vote at all.

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How about third party people.

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Anybody voting for a
third party candidate?

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Can I ask you where Aleppo is?

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(audience laughs)

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Just kidding, just kidding.

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The only thing you need
to know about Wilmington,

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it's the birthplace
of the banana split.

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How about that, huh?
(audience applauds)

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Hold the nuts!

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(audience laughs)

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Well, Wilmington, Ohio here

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is the county seat of
Clinton County, Ohio.

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The irony was not lost on me,

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probably from the first
minute I entered this town.

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It may be called Clinton County,

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but it's not Clinton country.

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Alright?

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I mean seriously.

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Trump got four times
as many votes here

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than Hillary did in the primary.

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(light smattering of applause)

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Right?

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I mean I think in
part it's because

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the people who are
more conservative,

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Republicans, Trump
voters, whatever,

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It's something I actually
admire about conservatives.

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You have the courage
of your convictions.

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You are relentless.

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You're like, "This
is the way I believe!

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"Damnnit, that's it!"

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and we're like, "Well,
I, I don't know,

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"I could think about it
a little bit and maybe."

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(crowd laughs)

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You know, these Trump
voters, my friends,

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are gonna be up at five in
the morning on Election Day.

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They're up at five
in the morning a lot.

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The only time we see
five in the morning

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is when we've been up
partying all night.

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That's five in the
morning, yeah right.

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(audience applauds)

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Come on, everybody
in here has got

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a conservative in
the family, right?

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Many of you brought that
person with you tonight.

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A brother, a father, an uncle,

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a brother-in-law, a sister,

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not a sister, I know, I
just threw that in there.

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And they are the organized
one in the family.

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They never lose their car keys.

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The conservatives, they've
got little hooks in the,

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by the back door, with
a label on each hook.

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That's my Beamer key,
that's my F-150 key,

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that's the key for the car
Mathew McConaughey drives.

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(audience laughs)

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Our side, we're like,

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this is how we, this
is how we sound.

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This is how we sound,

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"So, uh, where do you
want to go eat tonight?"

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"I don't care, where
do you want to go?"

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"I don't know, wherever
you want to go."

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"No, no, no you
picked last time."

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"No, seriously
wherever you want."

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This is right?

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Like the conservative,
they're like,

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"Get in the car, we're
going to Outback!

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"Get in there!"

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(crowd laughing and applause)

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Decisive, organized, discipline!

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You've got to admire
that about them.

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(audience laughs)

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No but, all kidding aside, as
it says out on the marquee,

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Trump voters welcome
here tonight.

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And I really wanted to invite

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people who are thinking of
voting for Donald Trump,

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might be leaning toward Trump.

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So, I just wanna, as
a gesture of good will

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to those of you who are thinking
of voting for Donald Trump,

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tonight I've done something
to make you comfortable

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in here amongst these
liberals, and Bernie voters,

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and third-party people, and
undecideds and whatever,

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and on the way in,

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you might have noticed
the ushers asked Mexicans,

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and Mexican-Americans
who were coming in

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if they would sit in a
special Mexican section.

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We've segregated
them out for you.

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Where, oh there
you are over there.

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We gave them their
own little, what?

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She said she's from Guatemala.

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Close enough.

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It's, it's just so the Trump
people wouldn't be nervous

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we made it Mexican
or Mexican-looking.

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(audience laughs)

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All right?

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And during the show tonight

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our production assistants
will be building

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a symbolic wall around
them in the balcony.

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Don't worry you will
be able to get out.

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You will have to pay to get out

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of the wall at the
end of the show.

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And as an added gesture

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we have placed any person that
was Muslim or Muslim looking

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in their own section
here in the back.

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Are the Muslims up there?

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Here we go Muslims!

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(cheering)

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There they are.

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Muslims, Muslim-Americans.

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Right, let's hear it for them.

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They're Americans.

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But just so, just so
that the Trump people

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aren't too nervous
about you being in here,

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we are going to fly
a drone above them

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right within the theater here.

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They're no weapons on the
drone, we're nonviolent,

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just cameras, so
we'll be able to know,

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you know, to just
check in on you

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to see how you're doing when,

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what you're up to.

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Now I see the shoulders of
the Trump guy back there,

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he's already relaxed.

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So, see?

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We've got it covered for you.

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That's what I was willing to do

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so that you would
come here tonight.

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I'll tell you one thing

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if this eases your mind at all,

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I have never voted
for Hillary Clinton.

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I voted for Obama in
the primary in 2008,

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and I voted for Bernie
in the primary this year.

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I actually never voted for Bill.

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Back then I think I
voted for Nader in '96

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and '92 was probably
a third party thing

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because Clinton was just too,

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he was a very
conservative Democrat.

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So I've never really
voted for Hillary.

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I am not a Hillary voter.

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Thank you, thank you,
you can applaud that.

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You know we're all
Americans, right?

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Let's just start there.

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Regardless who we're
voting for, right?

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(audience applauds)

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We're all in the same boat,

193
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and we're gonna sink
or swim together.

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And I'd rather we swim.

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Because I believe we have more
things in common than not.

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We, we believe in
the same things.

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First of all we want the best
schools for our kids, right?

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Trump voters?

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Right?

200
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Right?

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You want the best schools
for your kids, that's not,

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I know, I know there's a rule,

203
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don't agree with Michael
Moore on anything,

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but I'm, I'm trying to come
out and meet you halfway.

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And the things we
don't agree on,

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alright, you love your guns.

207
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I don't want a gun,
I don't get a gun.

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I won't get one.

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You don't believe in abortion.

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Okay, sir?

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Do not have an abortion.

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Don't, if you are against
it, don't get one.

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Who doesn't like the
Supreme Court's decision

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on gay marriage in here?

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You don't support it.

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Right? Right.

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Anybody else back there?

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Sir?

219
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Okay, sir?

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Then don't get gay married.

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Right?

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It's like, if,

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00:09:04,177 --> 00:09:06,845
if two gay people
want to get married,

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let them be married.

225
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You don't want to be gay,
trust me, you wont like it.

226
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Alright?

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It won't, it won't feel
good, it won't look good.

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(audience laughs)

229
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I'm convinced that will
end up in gay divorce,

230
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which isn't even legal yet!

231
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They only legalized
gay marriage.

232
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They forgot to
legalize gay divorce!

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I don't even know
what that looks like!

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(audience laughs)

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So I met one of the
five Democrats in town.

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(audience laughs)

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And he comes up to me yesterday

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and he goes, "Mike, Mike,
we got to do something

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"about the millennials.

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"They're, they're not gonna
vote, they're not voting.

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"What are we gonna do
about the millennials?"

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And I said, "Well, nothing.

243
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"We already did something,
we raised them."

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That was a lot.

245
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We raised this generation,
my generation did, right?

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We raised you, those of you
who are millennials in here.

247
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And you turned out,
I think, pretty good.

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I think your generation is, yes.

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(audience applauds)

250
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You're smart.

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You come over and change
the ink cartridges

252
00:10:19,419 --> 00:10:20,885
for us in our printers.

253
00:10:20,887 --> 00:10:23,888
(audience laughs)

254
00:10:23,890 --> 00:10:27,792
When we can't get our device
to work, we call you up

255
00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:30,228
and you explain to us
how to turn it off,

256
00:10:30,230 --> 00:10:32,030
then turn it back on,

257
00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:36,368
and it magically works
again every time.

258
00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:39,404
And you're not haters.

259
00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:41,272
This is a generation
of non-haters.

260
00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:42,941
Have you noticed that?

261
00:10:42,943 --> 00:10:47,912
I mean really the majority,
(audience applauds)

262
00:10:47,914 --> 00:10:50,815
the majority of
18 to 35 year olds

263
00:10:52,352 --> 00:10:55,887
are, you know, they
don't hate people

264
00:10:55,889 --> 00:10:58,023
because of their skin color,

265
00:10:58,025 --> 00:10:59,290
or because they're in love

266
00:10:59,292 --> 00:11:01,459
with someone of
their same gender.

267
00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:03,328
I don't see it and it
makes me feel really good

268
00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:05,764
that we did something right.

269
00:11:05,766 --> 00:11:08,800
So I said to this guy, I
said, "Really, I don't,

270
00:11:08,802 --> 00:11:13,104
"I don't think it's on us
to do something about them.

271
00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:16,041
"Because they didn't
create climate change,

272
00:11:16,043 --> 00:11:18,576
"they didn't send
the troops to Iraq.

273
00:11:18,578 --> 00:11:20,278
"You know, millennials
didn't cause

274
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:22,113
"the Wall Street collapse.

275
00:11:22,115 --> 00:11:24,883
"Why is it on them to fix our

276
00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:28,453
"shitty situation that
we've handed them?"

277
00:11:29,656 --> 00:11:30,755
I mean seriously.

278
00:11:30,757 --> 00:11:31,656
I mean.

279
00:11:33,827 --> 00:11:37,996
I mean, there's something
about when you're that age

280
00:11:37,998 --> 00:11:40,899
and you're rebellious, and
I want you to be that way.

281
00:11:40,901 --> 00:11:43,001
I don't want you compromising.

282
00:11:43,003 --> 00:11:47,405
You got plenty of time in
the real world to compromise.

283
00:11:47,407 --> 00:11:48,506
The rest of your life

284
00:11:48,508 --> 00:11:51,042
you'll have plenty
of time to compromise

285
00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:55,113
and be in some shitty
job that you can't stand,

286
00:11:55,115 --> 00:11:58,683
you know, to be in
some loveless marriage,

287
00:11:59,686 --> 00:12:01,586
why be that way at 19?

288
00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:05,890
Just don't compromise,

289
00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:08,226
but also understand too,

290
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:09,561
that sometimes,

291
00:12:10,564 --> 00:12:13,965
sometimes we have to take
some medicine to get better.

292
00:12:13,967 --> 00:12:16,534
And taking medicine isn't
really a compromise,

293
00:12:16,536 --> 00:12:18,636
it's a smart thing to do.

294
00:12:18,638 --> 00:12:20,872
So you'll know what to do.

295
00:12:22,042 --> 00:12:24,676
It's not the kids
I'm worried about.

296
00:12:24,678 --> 00:12:26,444
The kids are alright.

297
00:12:26,446 --> 00:12:28,580
It's the angry white guy.

298
00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:31,516
His days are numbered.

299
00:12:31,518 --> 00:12:33,418
Total number of white guys

300
00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:37,655
over the age of 35 now in
the United States, 19%.

301
00:12:38,892 --> 00:12:41,559
That's all we are guys.

302
00:12:41,561 --> 00:12:43,228
(audience applauds)

303
00:12:43,230 --> 00:12:44,696
Hey!

304
00:12:44,698 --> 00:12:45,597
Hey!

305
00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,666
What, they're
cheering our demise,

306
00:12:48,668 --> 00:12:50,835
(audience laughs)

307
00:12:50,837 --> 00:12:52,871
our extinction!

308
00:12:52,873 --> 00:12:55,406
That's what's going on
here, you know that right?

309
00:12:55,408 --> 00:12:57,308
We know it, we guys know it.

310
00:12:57,310 --> 00:12:58,910
We know it's over for us.

311
00:12:58,912 --> 00:13:01,746
We had a good run, 10,000
years wasn't bad, right guys?

312
00:13:01,748 --> 00:13:03,114
Right?

313
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:06,584
(audience applauds)

314
00:13:06,586 --> 00:13:08,820
And now here we are
in the 21st century.

315
00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:10,155
For the first time ever,

316
00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:12,957
there are now more single
women than married women,

317
00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:14,626
you aware of this?

318
00:13:14,628 --> 00:13:16,494
(audience applauds)

319
00:13:16,496 --> 00:13:18,696
Yes, see that guys?

320
00:13:18,698 --> 00:13:22,133
Yeah, because they
don't need us.

321
00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:23,701
They can be single now.

322
00:13:23,703 --> 00:13:25,069
100 years ago, they
couldn't be single.

323
00:13:25,071 --> 00:13:27,872
We had laws that wouldn't
allow them to own property,

324
00:13:27,874 --> 00:13:31,342
or have a bank account,
or get divorced, right?

325
00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:32,544
They couldn't sue in court.

326
00:13:32,546 --> 00:13:33,912
There are all these laws.

327
00:13:33,914 --> 00:13:36,114
Check this out, if
you don't know this.

328
00:13:36,116 --> 00:13:40,118
There were a long list of
laws that prohibited women

329
00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:41,986
from doing the basic things

330
00:13:41,988 --> 00:13:44,289
that somebody should
be able to do.

331
00:13:44,291 --> 00:13:45,890
But now they don't need us.

332
00:13:45,892 --> 00:13:48,293
We used to be useful
for something, right?

333
00:13:48,295 --> 00:13:50,895
Well we're needed to
keep the species going.

334
00:13:50,897 --> 00:13:52,931
That was our most important job.

335
00:13:52,933 --> 00:13:54,299
What else were we good for?

336
00:13:54,301 --> 00:13:57,001
Getting something
off the top shelf.

337
00:13:57,003 --> 00:14:01,139
Except now, they've invented
in vitro fertilization,

338
00:14:01,141 --> 00:14:03,308
and the portable
aluminum stepladder.

339
00:14:03,310 --> 00:14:05,643
(audience laughs)

340
00:14:05,645 --> 00:14:06,878
You don't need us!

341
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:10,114
You don't need us
for orgasms anymore.

342
00:14:10,116 --> 00:14:12,317
Guys, you know they don't
need us for that, right?

343
00:14:12,319 --> 00:14:14,686
(audience laughs)

344
00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:16,487
Somebody put out a
book like 30 years ago,

345
00:14:16,489 --> 00:14:19,224
"Our Bodies, Ourselves",
taught women things

346
00:14:19,226 --> 00:14:23,828
that God knows they
shouldn't have been taught.

347
00:14:23,830 --> 00:14:27,131
If Hillary wins, if
the women take over,

348
00:14:27,133 --> 00:14:29,634
and because they don't need us,

349
00:14:29,636 --> 00:14:31,569
so you know what this
is gonna lead to?

350
00:14:31,571 --> 00:14:33,705
There are gonna be
internment camps for men.

351
00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:36,875
(audience laughs)

352
00:14:36,877 --> 00:14:38,810
And Hillary will have
all her you know,

353
00:14:38,812 --> 00:14:42,547
Wellesley students there,
with her clipboards,

354
00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:45,783
checking us in to
the internment camp.

355
00:14:45,785 --> 00:14:48,319
They've got to pick out a few
to keep the species going.

356
00:14:48,321 --> 00:14:49,420
Who are they going to pick?

357
00:14:49,422 --> 00:14:51,990
The smart ones, and
the good-looking ones.

358
00:14:51,992 --> 00:14:53,592
So all right,

359
00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:55,193
already I'm looking at the
faces of the guys here.

360
00:14:55,195 --> 00:14:57,629
They already know
they're in the camp.

361
00:14:57,631 --> 00:14:59,631
We're all in line, we're
gonna be in line there,

362
00:14:59,633 --> 00:15:03,034
"You in there in the camp,
yes you, keep going, you, you.

363
00:15:03,036 --> 00:15:03,935
"Oh, you.

364
00:15:05,372 --> 00:15:06,604
"over here."

365
00:15:06,606 --> 00:15:09,607
(audience laughs)

366
00:15:09,609 --> 00:15:11,109
The guys will go, "Oh
just 'cause he's got

367
00:15:11,111 --> 00:15:13,711
"a good six pack for the abs?

368
00:15:13,713 --> 00:15:15,947
"I was gonna start going
to the gym last month."

369
00:15:15,949 --> 00:15:17,582
"Well, you should've
fucking gone,

370
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:19,751
"because now you're
going to the camp.

371
00:15:19,753 --> 00:15:21,786
"Don't worry, there's
gonna be lots of gyms

372
00:15:21,788 --> 00:15:23,421
"in the guy camps."

373
00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:27,759
And that's why they're so upset.

374
00:15:27,761 --> 00:15:29,227
You've seen them at
the rallies, right?

375
00:15:29,229 --> 00:15:31,963
These guys at the Trump
rallies, they're like,

376
00:15:31,965 --> 00:15:35,066
(roars)

377
00:15:39,806 --> 00:15:42,941
It's the sound of
the dying dinosaur.

378
00:15:43,944 --> 00:15:46,778
(mournful roars)

379
00:15:51,518 --> 00:15:53,084
The signs are
everywhere to them,

380
00:15:53,086 --> 00:15:55,920
the women are taking over.

381
00:15:55,922 --> 00:15:58,890
There's now more women that
go to college than men?

382
00:15:58,892 --> 00:16:01,659
There's more women in
law school than men.

383
00:16:01,661 --> 00:16:05,563
(audience applauds)
Whoa, no!

384
00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:10,601
I predict anthropologists,
they will note the moment

385
00:16:10,603 --> 00:16:12,437
it happened, when it was clear,

386
00:16:12,439 --> 00:16:14,005
the men were on their way out

387
00:16:14,007 --> 00:16:15,640
and the women were
on their way in

388
00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:18,109
and it was the Superbowl
this past year.

389
00:16:18,111 --> 00:16:19,610
You know, it's
the halftime show,

390
00:16:19,612 --> 00:16:21,646
Coldplay is playing one
of their nice songs,

391
00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:26,150
¶ Ooh, I love you,
I love, ooh, ooh

392
00:16:26,152 --> 00:16:27,719
And then Bruno Mars came on,

393
00:16:27,721 --> 00:16:29,854
and then that sort of
confused a lot of guys

394
00:16:29,856 --> 00:16:31,189
watching the halftime show.

395
00:16:31,191 --> 00:16:32,924
"Ooh, what is this?"

396
00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:36,227
And then all of a sudden,

397
00:16:36,229 --> 00:16:37,695
right in the middle
of Bruno's song,

398
00:16:37,697 --> 00:16:42,100
out comes Beyonce and 500
women in these uniforms,

399
00:16:42,102 --> 00:16:44,635
with their fists
clenched enraged,

400
00:16:44,637 --> 00:16:48,873
and their shit-kicking
boots on, taking the field.

401
00:16:49,843 --> 00:16:51,943
No, it was like, oh my,

402
00:16:51,945 --> 00:16:55,213
wait that's our game,
what's she doing here?

403
00:16:55,215 --> 00:16:58,349
(audience applauds)

404
00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:02,520
That's where we're ending
up, and guys know it.

405
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:05,056
And that's why they're
at the Trump rallies.

406
00:17:05,058 --> 00:17:06,391
That's why you hear that sound,

407
00:17:06,393 --> 00:17:09,394
(mournful roaring)

408
00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:15,600
"Donald, save us!"

409
00:17:16,436 --> 00:17:18,970
"The women are coming!"

410
00:17:18,972 --> 00:17:19,804
"The women are,"

411
00:17:19,806 --> 00:17:22,040
"Hillary is Genghis Khan!"

412
00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:25,543
"It's all over."

413
00:17:27,614 --> 00:17:30,014
It doesn't feel good.

414
00:17:30,016 --> 00:17:32,817
Eight years of a
black president.

415
00:17:33,820 --> 00:17:36,788
Okay, we got through that.

416
00:17:36,790 --> 00:17:40,525
Now it's gonna be eight
years of a woman president?

417
00:17:40,527 --> 00:17:44,529
No, no, no!

418
00:17:45,065 --> 00:17:48,733
No, because, no, because you
know what happens after that?

419
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:51,702
It's gonna be eight
years of the gays!

420
00:17:51,704 --> 00:17:53,838
We'll have a gay president!

421
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:54,739
No!

422
00:17:57,577 --> 00:18:02,413
And you know what comes
after that, the transgenders.

423
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:05,149
Eight years of a transgender
in the White House,

424
00:18:05,151 --> 00:18:07,852
you're not gonna know
which bathroom to use!

425
00:18:07,854 --> 00:18:10,154
(audience laughs)

426
00:18:10,156 --> 00:18:11,456
What's left after that?

427
00:18:11,458 --> 00:18:16,094
After they've taken everything
from us white straight guys?

428
00:18:16,096 --> 00:18:18,796
Oh, the animal rights people.

429
00:18:18,798 --> 00:18:21,532
PETA will take over
the White House.

430
00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:24,769
A fucking hamster is gonna
be running this country.

431
00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:28,272
A little hamster in the
Oval Office on a wheel.

432
00:18:28,274 --> 00:18:32,543
"Send in the next
congressman" (maniacal laugh)

433
00:18:32,545 --> 00:18:34,979
And finally, mother nature.

434
00:18:34,981 --> 00:18:38,883
There are now less
boy babies being born.

435
00:18:38,885 --> 00:18:41,619
Mother nature has
looked at the situation,

436
00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:45,389
has decided that men
are bad for the planet.

437
00:18:45,391 --> 00:18:48,793
(audience laughs)

438
00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:52,630
No woman has ever
built a smoke stack.

439
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:57,502
No woman has invented an
atomic or a hydrogen bomb.

440
00:18:57,504 --> 00:19:03,207
And no women, no girls go into
schools and shoot them up.

441
00:19:03,209 --> 00:19:04,742
Not a single one of
these school shootings

442
00:19:04,744 --> 00:19:06,177
are girls, are they?

443
00:19:06,179 --> 00:19:07,879
How can that be?

444
00:19:07,881 --> 00:19:09,647
Think about that.

445
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:11,582
It's like, and it's not
just school shootings,

446
00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:15,219
it's like women generally
don't shoot you.

447
00:19:15,221 --> 00:19:17,388
(audience laughs)

448
00:19:17,390 --> 00:19:19,157
Unless you deserve it.

449
00:19:19,159 --> 00:19:20,391
(audience applauds)

450
00:19:20,393 --> 00:19:23,227
I mean, usually,

451
00:19:24,164 --> 00:19:27,465
when a woman shoots her
husband or her boyfriend,

452
00:19:27,467 --> 00:19:30,301
some thought has gone into it.

453
00:19:30,303 --> 00:19:33,304
(audience laughs)

454
00:19:33,306 --> 00:19:35,239
That's actually true
with most crimes.

455
00:19:35,241 --> 00:19:37,975
How many female
arsonists are there?

456
00:19:37,977 --> 00:19:39,043
Or burglars?

457
00:19:39,879 --> 00:19:41,479
Or rapists?

458
00:19:41,481 --> 00:19:43,681
Or, I mean you go down
the whole list of crimes.

459
00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:47,919
We're actually quite safe
from 51% of the population.

460
00:19:47,921 --> 00:19:49,053
Right?

461
00:19:49,055 --> 00:19:50,621
I mean it's like.

462
00:19:52,759 --> 00:19:55,793
When you, when you
leave here tonight

463
00:19:55,795 --> 00:19:59,997
and wander out onto the dark
streets of Wilmington, Ohio,

464
00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:02,667
it's a rough town out there,
but you know, it's dark.

465
00:20:02,669 --> 00:20:06,204
You're on a dark street, you're
just a little more aware.

466
00:20:06,206 --> 00:20:08,673
What are you being aware of?

467
00:20:08,675 --> 00:20:12,577
A woman gonna jump out of the
bushes and stab you to death?

468
00:20:12,579 --> 00:20:14,212
Is a woman gonna mug you?

469
00:20:14,214 --> 00:20:17,682
Whatever you're afraid
of, does not wear a dress.

470
00:20:17,684 --> 00:20:19,584
(audience laughs)

471
00:20:19,586 --> 00:20:21,018
Or a pantsuit.

472
00:20:21,020 --> 00:20:25,122
(audience laughs and applauds)

473
00:20:25,124 --> 00:20:26,490
Oh man, see but that's,

474
00:20:26,492 --> 00:20:30,027
you must understand
the Trump voter.

475
00:20:30,029 --> 00:20:34,265
These are legitimate
concerns, legitimate concerns.

476
00:20:37,170 --> 00:20:38,436
And I think, you know,

477
00:20:38,438 --> 00:20:40,471
we're laughing a lot
about this stuff,

478
00:20:40,473 --> 00:20:43,207
and thank you Trump
voters for letting us

479
00:20:43,209 --> 00:20:46,043
have a little bit of
laughter over this.

480
00:20:46,045 --> 00:20:48,946
But I actually wrote
something today

481
00:20:48,948 --> 00:20:52,883
while I was sitting here at
the official hotel of the,

482
00:20:52,885 --> 00:20:54,785
of the Murphy Theater,

483
00:20:56,256 --> 00:20:57,855
the Holiday Inn Express.

484
00:20:57,857 --> 00:20:59,490
And ah...

485
00:21:00,326 --> 00:21:02,393
Can I read this to
you, do you mind if I,

486
00:21:02,395 --> 00:21:04,762
I just wrote this,
I just want to,

487
00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:06,931
I want to read it to you.

488
00:21:09,836 --> 00:21:13,237
Because I know a lot
of people in Michigan

489
00:21:13,239 --> 00:21:15,573
that are planning
to vote for Trump.

490
00:21:15,575 --> 00:21:17,408
And, um, they're not,

491
00:21:18,511 --> 00:21:21,779
they don't necessarily
like him that much,

492
00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:24,782
and they don't necessarily
agree with him.

493
00:21:24,784 --> 00:21:27,652
They're not racist
and rednecks and,

494
00:21:27,654 --> 00:21:30,655
they're actually
pretty decent people.

495
00:21:30,657 --> 00:21:32,156
And so I wanted to sort of,

496
00:21:32,158 --> 00:21:34,258
after talking to a number of
them, I wanted to sort of,

497
00:21:34,260 --> 00:21:36,594
I wanted to write this and,

498
00:21:37,830 --> 00:21:42,199
Donald Trump came to the
Detroit Economic Club,

499
00:21:42,201 --> 00:21:46,103
and stood there in front of
the Ford Motor executives

500
00:21:46,105 --> 00:21:50,274
and said, "If you
close these factories

501
00:21:50,276 --> 00:21:52,276
"as you're planning
to do in Detroit,

502
00:21:52,278 --> 00:21:54,679
"and build them in Mexico,

503
00:21:54,681 --> 00:21:58,382
"I'm going to put a 35%
tariff on those cars

504
00:21:58,384 --> 00:22:01,585
"when you send them back, and
nobody is going to buy them."

505
00:22:01,587 --> 00:22:03,854
It was an amazing thing to see.

506
00:22:03,856 --> 00:22:07,224
No politician,
Republican or Democrat,

507
00:22:07,226 --> 00:22:11,329
had ever said anything like
that to these executives.

508
00:22:11,331 --> 00:22:13,764
And it was music to the ears

509
00:22:13,766 --> 00:22:17,468
of people in Michigan, and
Ohio, and Pennsylvania,

510
00:22:17,470 --> 00:22:21,105
and Wisconsin,
the Brexit states.

511
00:22:21,107 --> 00:22:24,241
(audience laughs quietly)

512
00:22:24,243 --> 00:22:26,877
You live here in Ohio, you
know what I'm talking about.

513
00:22:26,879 --> 00:22:28,579
Whether Trump means it or not

514
00:22:28,581 --> 00:22:31,282
is kind of irrelevant,
because he's saying the things

515
00:22:31,284 --> 00:22:33,517
to people who are hurting.

516
00:22:34,354 --> 00:22:37,188
And it's why every
beaten down, nameless,

517
00:22:37,190 --> 00:22:39,890
forgotten working stiff,
who used to be part of

518
00:22:39,892 --> 00:22:42,860
what was called the
middle class, loves Trump.

519
00:22:42,862 --> 00:22:45,896
He is the human Molotov cocktail

520
00:22:45,898 --> 00:22:48,466
that they've been waiting for.

521
00:22:49,335 --> 00:22:51,869
The human hand grenade
that they can legally throw

522
00:22:51,871 --> 00:22:55,773
into the system that stole
their lives from them.

523
00:22:55,775 --> 00:22:59,110
And on November
8th, Election Day,

524
00:22:59,112 --> 00:23:01,679
although they've
lost their jobs,

525
00:23:01,681 --> 00:23:04,315
although they've been
foreclosed on by the bank,

526
00:23:04,317 --> 00:23:07,351
next came the divorce, and now
the wife and kids are gone,

527
00:23:07,353 --> 00:23:08,986
the car's been repo'ed,

528
00:23:08,988 --> 00:23:11,655
they haven't had a
real vacation in years,

529
00:23:11,657 --> 00:23:14,525
they're stuck with the
shitty Obamacare bronze plan,

530
00:23:14,527 --> 00:23:18,095
where you can't even
get a fucking Percocet,

531
00:23:18,097 --> 00:23:21,932
they've essentially lost
everything they had,

532
00:23:22,835 --> 00:23:24,301
except one thing.

533
00:23:26,072 --> 00:23:29,140
The one thing that
doesn't cost them a cent,

534
00:23:29,142 --> 00:23:32,543
and is guaranteed to them by
the American Constitution,

535
00:23:32,545 --> 00:23:34,111
the right to vote.

536
00:23:36,282 --> 00:23:38,949
They might be penniless,
they might be homeless,

537
00:23:38,951 --> 00:23:40,985
they might be fucked
over and fucked up.

538
00:23:40,987 --> 00:23:45,222
It doesn't matter, because
it's equalized on that day.

539
00:23:46,025 --> 00:23:49,059
A millionaire has the
same number of votes

540
00:23:49,061 --> 00:23:51,862
as the person
without a job, one.

541
00:23:52,799 --> 00:23:55,800
And there's more of
the former middle class

542
00:23:55,802 --> 00:23:58,969
than there are in the
millionaire class.

543
00:23:58,971 --> 00:24:00,638
So on November 8th,

544
00:24:01,574 --> 00:24:05,176
the dispossessed will walk
into the voting booth,

545
00:24:05,178 --> 00:24:07,778
be handed a ballot,
close the curtain,

546
00:24:07,780 --> 00:24:11,048
and take that lever, or
felt pen, or touch screen,

547
00:24:11,050 --> 00:24:14,285
and put a big
fucking X in the box

548
00:24:14,287 --> 00:24:17,521
by the name of the man who
has threatened to upend

549
00:24:17,523 --> 00:24:19,957
and overturn the very system

550
00:24:19,959 --> 00:24:22,359
that has ruined their lives,

551
00:24:24,163 --> 00:24:25,563
Donald J. Trump.

552
00:24:28,334 --> 00:24:32,570
They see that the elites who
ruined their lives hate Trump.

553
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:36,507
Corporate America hates Trump.

554
00:24:36,509 --> 00:24:38,209
Wall Street hates Trump.

555
00:24:38,211 --> 00:24:40,744
The career politicians
hate Trump.

556
00:24:40,746 --> 00:24:43,147
The media hates Trump,

557
00:24:43,149 --> 00:24:46,283
after they loved
him and created him,

558
00:24:46,285 --> 00:24:49,587
and now hate him,
thank you media.

559
00:24:49,589 --> 00:24:53,057
The enemy of my enemy is who
I'm voting for on November 8th.

560
00:24:56,829 --> 00:25:00,364
Yes, on November
8th, you, Joe Blow,

561
00:25:00,366 --> 00:25:03,834
Steve Blow, Bob
Blow, Billy Blow,

562
00:25:03,836 --> 00:25:07,104
Billy Bob Blow, all the Blows,

563
00:25:07,106 --> 00:25:08,806
get to go and blow up

564
00:25:08,808 --> 00:25:13,043
the whole goddamn system,
because it's your right.

565
00:25:16,816 --> 00:25:20,451
Trump's election is going
to be the biggest fuck you

566
00:25:20,453 --> 00:25:23,120
ever recorded in human history.

567
00:25:25,491 --> 00:25:27,424
And it will feel

568
00:25:28,361 --> 00:25:29,760
good.

569
00:25:32,298 --> 00:25:33,163
For a day.

570
00:25:34,934 --> 00:25:36,066
Maybe a week.

571
00:25:37,770 --> 00:25:39,270
Possibly a month.

572
00:25:40,273 --> 00:25:42,439
And then, like the Brits,

573
00:25:43,809 --> 00:25:46,844
who wanted to send a message

574
00:25:46,846 --> 00:25:49,547
so they voted to leave Europe

575
00:25:49,549 --> 00:25:52,216
only to find out that if
you vote to leave Europe

576
00:25:52,218 --> 00:25:54,785
you actually have
to leave Europe.

577
00:25:54,787 --> 00:25:56,921
(audience laughs)

578
00:25:56,923 --> 00:25:59,657
And now they regret it.

579
00:25:59,659 --> 00:26:03,827
All the Ohioans,
Pennsylvanians, Michiganders,

580
00:26:03,829 --> 00:26:07,965
and Wisconsinites of
middle England, right?

581
00:26:07,967 --> 00:26:09,800
They all voted to leave

582
00:26:09,802 --> 00:26:11,268
and now they regret it

583
00:26:11,270 --> 00:26:14,405
and over four million of
them have signed a petition

584
00:26:14,407 --> 00:26:16,574
to have a do-over.

585
00:26:16,576 --> 00:26:18,108
They want another election.

586
00:26:18,110 --> 00:26:19,276
It ain't gonna happen

587
00:26:19,278 --> 00:26:21,745
because you used the ballot

588
00:26:21,747 --> 00:26:24,148
as an anger management tool.

589
00:26:27,887 --> 00:26:30,454
And now you're fucked.

590
00:26:30,456 --> 00:26:32,823
And the rest of Europe,
the rest of Europe,

591
00:26:32,825 --> 00:26:35,092
they're like, "Bye Felicia."

592
00:26:35,094 --> 00:26:38,896
(audience laughs and claps)

593
00:26:41,934 --> 00:26:44,802
So when the rightfully
angry people of Ohio,

594
00:26:44,804 --> 00:26:47,938
and Michigan, and
Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin

595
00:26:47,940 --> 00:26:50,207
find out after a few
months in office,

596
00:26:50,209 --> 00:26:51,842
that President Trump
wasn't going to do

597
00:26:51,844 --> 00:26:54,612
a damned thing for them,

598
00:26:54,614 --> 00:26:58,449
it will be too late to
do anything about it.

599
00:26:58,451 --> 00:27:00,084
But I get it.

600
00:27:00,086 --> 00:27:02,853
You wanted to send a message.

601
00:27:02,855 --> 00:27:04,455
You had righteous anger

602
00:27:04,457 --> 00:27:06,357
and justifiable anger.

603
00:27:08,294 --> 00:27:09,960
Well, message sent.

604
00:27:13,165 --> 00:27:15,366
Goodnight America.

605
00:27:15,368 --> 00:27:19,603
You've just elected the last
president of the United States.

606
00:27:21,907 --> 00:27:25,142
(news station jingle)

607
00:27:27,179 --> 00:27:28,812
- Good evening, Terri Hardesty

608
00:27:28,814 --> 00:27:30,714
reporting from our
nation's capital.

609
00:27:30,716 --> 00:27:32,850
Donald J.Trump
was sworn in today

610
00:27:32,852 --> 00:27:35,853
as the 45th president
of the United States.

611
00:27:35,855 --> 00:27:38,022
- [Donald] I, Donald J. Trump,

612
00:27:38,024 --> 00:27:39,523
- As some had predicted,

613
00:27:39,525 --> 00:27:41,592
the shit show started
within minutes.

614
00:27:41,594 --> 00:27:42,693
Before the parade,

615
00:27:42,695 --> 00:27:44,528
President Trump ordered
an aerial bombardment

616
00:27:44,530 --> 00:27:46,797
of all Mexican border towns.

617
00:27:46,799 --> 00:27:48,766
(explosions)

618
00:27:48,768 --> 00:27:51,168
The instatement of stop
and frisk checkpoints

619
00:27:51,170 --> 00:27:53,003
at all U.S. inner cities,

620
00:27:53,005 --> 00:27:56,774
and the deportation of Rosie
O'Donnell to American Samoa,

621
00:27:56,776 --> 00:28:00,010
to which Trump replied, "Hey,
it's not really a deportation,

622
00:28:00,012 --> 00:28:02,713
we own the damn fat farm
for Christ's sakes."

623
00:28:02,715 --> 00:28:05,249
The inaugural parade
finally got underway,

624
00:28:05,251 --> 00:28:07,518
but only after President
Trump insisted on

625
00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:10,988
flying over the parade route
in his Trump helicopter

626
00:28:10,990 --> 00:28:13,424
once he learned that he was
expected to get out of his limo

627
00:28:13,426 --> 00:28:15,159
and walk to the White House.

628
00:28:15,161 --> 00:28:17,394
Upon arriving, the
president walked inside

629
00:28:17,396 --> 00:28:20,364
the 200 year old structure,
took a brief look around,

630
00:28:20,366 --> 00:28:22,399
and we have this exclusively,

631
00:28:22,401 --> 00:28:25,469
a recording made by a White
House maid on her cell phone.

632
00:28:49,595 --> 00:28:50,794
- In other news, by day's end,

633
00:28:50,796 --> 00:28:53,163
20 million Americans who
say they voted for Trump

634
00:28:53,165 --> 00:28:55,032
had signed an online petition,

635
00:28:55,034 --> 00:28:57,267
asking for a do-over election.

636
00:28:57,269 --> 00:28:59,636
Finally, this will
be our last broadcast

637
00:28:59,638 --> 00:29:01,271
as the new Trump channel run by

638
00:29:01,273 --> 00:29:03,273
Roger Ailes and Breitbart News,

639
00:29:03,275 --> 00:29:05,342
will be taking over this network

640
00:29:05,344 --> 00:29:08,345
and featuring all reality,
all day, every day.

641
00:29:08,347 --> 00:29:09,980
Trump himself will be hosting

642
00:29:09,982 --> 00:29:12,883
The Real World 1600
Pennsylvania Avenue

643
00:29:12,885 --> 00:29:14,885
and You're Fired, America,

644
00:29:14,887 --> 00:29:17,788
a nightly show where
your job may be next.

645
00:29:17,790 --> 00:29:22,025
I'm Terri Hardesty signing
off, good luck America.

646
00:29:24,396 --> 00:29:27,464
(audience applauds)

647
00:29:32,471 --> 00:29:36,173
Just wanted you to see what
it's going to look like.

648
00:29:36,175 --> 00:29:38,408
Um, so here's my question.

649
00:29:41,447 --> 00:29:44,481
What is our problem
with Hillary?

650
00:29:44,483 --> 00:29:45,382
What's your problem?

651
00:29:45,384 --> 00:29:47,684
What is your problem
with Hillary?

652
00:29:47,686 --> 00:29:49,319
You know, I got my problems.

653
00:29:49,321 --> 00:29:52,689
I can, I'll tell you what
my problem is with her.

654
00:29:52,691 --> 00:29:55,025
She voted for the Iraq war.

655
00:29:56,028 --> 00:29:58,695
She's too cozy with Wall Street.

656
00:29:58,697 --> 00:30:00,931
Those are big ones.

657
00:30:00,933 --> 00:30:04,568
We don't really talk
about the issues, do we?

658
00:30:04,570 --> 00:30:05,736
Whenever they talk
about Hillary,

659
00:30:05,738 --> 00:30:07,504
when anyone talks about
Hillary it's about

660
00:30:07,506 --> 00:30:09,306
how you like her
or don't like her.

661
00:30:09,308 --> 00:30:10,541
And the people that
don't like her,

662
00:30:10,543 --> 00:30:12,910
and that's on the right and
the left, don't like her.

663
00:30:12,912 --> 00:30:14,511
But what is this about
her being likeable?

664
00:30:14,513 --> 00:30:17,815
You're not going to the voting
booth to vote for a friend.

665
00:30:17,817 --> 00:30:18,916
"I want her to be my friend."

666
00:30:18,918 --> 00:30:20,517
No, I don't want
her to be my friend.

667
00:30:20,519 --> 00:30:21,919
I want her to,

668
00:30:21,921 --> 00:30:24,688
I want them not to like
her up on Capitol Hill.

669
00:30:24,690 --> 00:30:26,290
I want the people
she's negotiating with

670
00:30:26,292 --> 00:30:28,292
not to like her.

671
00:30:28,294 --> 00:30:29,660
You don't want
somebody all likable.

672
00:30:29,662 --> 00:30:30,861
"Sure, whatever you say."

673
00:30:30,863 --> 00:30:33,263
"Okay, I'll sign here."

674
00:30:33,265 --> 00:30:35,465
(audience laughs)

675
00:30:35,467 --> 00:30:38,268
What else, what are the
other knocks on Hillary?

676
00:30:38,270 --> 00:30:40,103
Not trustworthy, right?

677
00:30:40,105 --> 00:30:42,072
We hear that a lot,
she's not trustworthy.

678
00:30:42,074 --> 00:30:45,676
How did she prove her
distrust-worthiness to you?

679
00:30:45,678 --> 00:30:47,678
Did she, did she promise
to water the plants

680
00:30:47,680 --> 00:30:51,515
for you while you were
gone, and then didn't?

681
00:30:51,517 --> 00:30:52,983
Now we're talking
about differences,

682
00:30:52,985 --> 00:30:54,318
you say well she
flip-flops or whatever,

683
00:30:54,320 --> 00:30:57,321
well everybody changes,
everybody evolves,

684
00:30:57,323 --> 00:30:59,289
I hope they do, right?

685
00:30:59,291 --> 00:31:01,458
We want our Trump voter
friends in here tonight,

686
00:31:01,460 --> 00:31:03,760
we're asking them
to maybe change.

687
00:31:03,762 --> 00:31:08,031
If you just stay in cement,
it's like okay so she's learned.

688
00:31:08,033 --> 00:31:10,167
She was against, she
fought gay marriage

689
00:31:10,169 --> 00:31:12,002
and then she was for it.

690
00:31:12,004 --> 00:31:14,838
Well I'd rather that, than
staying against gay marriage.

691
00:31:14,840 --> 00:31:16,874
I don't think
that's a bad thing.

692
00:31:16,876 --> 00:31:18,775
She said her Iraq
War vote was wrong.

693
00:31:18,777 --> 00:31:21,979
She's never done anything
more wrong than that.

694
00:31:21,981 --> 00:31:24,381
Okay it's not exactly I'm sorry,

695
00:31:24,383 --> 00:31:28,185
but that pretty, okay she's
a politician, I accept that.

696
00:31:28,187 --> 00:31:30,020
What else, what else?

697
00:31:30,022 --> 00:31:33,757
What are the other
knocks on Hillary?

698
00:31:33,759 --> 00:31:34,658
Benghazi.

699
00:31:34,660 --> 00:31:36,026
Okay Benghazi, yes.

700
00:31:36,028 --> 00:31:37,427
She got up in the
middle of the night

701
00:31:37,429 --> 00:31:40,063
and personally
planned, with ISIS

702
00:31:40,065 --> 00:31:42,065
which she and Obama created,

703
00:31:42,067 --> 00:31:45,936
according to Trump,
they invented ISIS,

704
00:31:45,938 --> 00:31:48,038
and they planned this attack

705
00:31:48,040 --> 00:31:52,476
to kill our people there at
the Consulate in Benghazi.

706
00:31:52,478 --> 00:31:54,111
- [Audience Member] She
was cleared six times.

707
00:31:54,113 --> 00:31:56,313
- Oh she's been cleared
of the charges six times.

708
00:31:56,315 --> 00:31:57,681
That's not enough!

709
00:31:57,683 --> 00:31:59,950
(audience laughs)

710
00:31:59,952 --> 00:32:01,418
You have to be, if
you're Hillary Clinton

711
00:32:01,420 --> 00:32:04,121
you have to be
cleared eight times.

712
00:32:04,123 --> 00:32:06,089
- [Audience Member]
The Clinton Foundation.

713
00:32:06,091 --> 00:32:07,324
- Oh the Clinton Foundation.

714
00:32:07,326 --> 00:32:08,959
Well thank God there's
a Clinton Foundation,

715
00:32:08,961 --> 00:32:10,961
look at all the
good they've done.

716
00:32:10,963 --> 00:32:14,298
(audience cheers)
You know?

717
00:32:14,300 --> 00:32:15,198
I mean,

718
00:32:19,204 --> 00:32:21,271
and if what they say is true,

719
00:32:21,273 --> 00:32:23,340
and so they get to have
a meeting with Hillary,

720
00:32:23,342 --> 00:32:25,943
and what's their meeting,
she's still Hillary Clinton.

721
00:32:25,945 --> 00:32:27,577
It's not like they get
to go in there and say

722
00:32:27,579 --> 00:32:29,346
"I need you to bomb,

723
00:32:29,348 --> 00:32:30,814
"I need you to,

724
00:32:30,816 --> 00:32:33,116
"I need you to bomb Yemen."

725
00:32:34,286 --> 00:32:37,087
"Okay, how much did you give
the Clinton Foundation?"

726
00:32:37,089 --> 00:32:40,023
"I gave the Clinton Foundation
$50 million dollars."

727
00:32:40,025 --> 00:32:41,725
"Call in the air strikes."

728
00:32:41,727 --> 00:32:43,660
That's not what's going on.

729
00:32:43,662 --> 00:32:45,395
Generally, what the
Obama administration

730
00:32:45,397 --> 00:32:48,332
state department has
done, not everything,

731
00:32:48,334 --> 00:32:50,667
has been good for the world.

732
00:32:50,669 --> 00:32:52,769
The world likes us
a little bit better

733
00:32:52,771 --> 00:32:57,074
than when George W. Bush was
in the White House, right?

734
00:32:57,076 --> 00:33:01,044
(audience cheers and claps)
So.

735
00:33:03,115 --> 00:33:04,614
But what else?

736
00:33:04,616 --> 00:33:06,583
Remember I'm not a Hillary
voter, so what else, what else?

737
00:33:06,585 --> 00:33:08,185
(audience shouts off-mic)
Huh?

738
00:33:08,187 --> 00:33:09,653
- [Audience Member] She forgot
to tell us she was sick.

739
00:33:09,655 --> 00:33:10,821
- Yes, that one.

740
00:33:10,823 --> 00:33:12,356
- [Audience Member]
It was pneumonia.

741
00:33:12,358 --> 00:33:14,391
- She wouldn't tell
us she had pneumonia.

742
00:33:14,393 --> 00:33:16,693
And I want to say
something about that.

743
00:33:16,695 --> 00:33:18,028
I just feel bad

744
00:33:18,030 --> 00:33:21,698
that she didn't tell the
truth about her pneumonia.

745
00:33:21,700 --> 00:33:24,768
And what I feel bad about
is not her being a liar,

746
00:33:24,770 --> 00:33:27,904
but that she has got
to a point in her life

747
00:33:27,906 --> 00:33:30,807
where she can't even trust us.

748
00:33:30,809 --> 00:33:32,676
If she had just said

749
00:33:32,677 --> 00:33:34,544
"I've got pneumonia and I've
got to take the weekend off."

750
00:33:34,546 --> 00:33:36,780
What would the
response have been?

751
00:33:36,782 --> 00:33:40,217
It would have been,
"It takes a village."

752
00:33:40,219 --> 00:33:41,451
Right?

753
00:33:41,453 --> 00:33:43,220
What she taught us.

754
00:33:43,222 --> 00:33:44,955
She can't quite trust that

755
00:33:44,957 --> 00:33:47,824
about the United
States of America.

756
00:33:47,826 --> 00:33:50,394
That's a sad commentary on us.

757
00:33:51,196 --> 00:33:54,064
That's not really on her.

758
00:33:54,066 --> 00:33:56,566
Can't we start saying
something nice about her?

759
00:33:56,568 --> 00:33:58,969
You know, even the Trump
people in here, you know?

760
00:33:58,971 --> 00:34:01,204
Or conservative
people, Bernie people,

761
00:34:01,206 --> 00:34:03,573
can't you say something
nice about Hillary Clinton?

762
00:34:03,575 --> 00:34:04,975
Isn't this they
way we were raised?

763
00:34:04,977 --> 00:34:07,110
Didn't your grandmother
tell you like she told me

764
00:34:07,112 --> 00:34:09,112
"You can say something
nice about everybody

765
00:34:09,114 --> 00:34:11,481
except Hitler and Matt Lauer."

766
00:34:11,483 --> 00:34:14,451
(audience laughs)

767
00:34:15,654 --> 00:34:17,521
Just to prove it to
you, I will start off,

768
00:34:17,523 --> 00:34:20,957
I'll start off by
saying something nice.

769
00:34:20,959 --> 00:34:24,461
I'll say three things
nice about George W. Bush.

770
00:34:24,463 --> 00:34:28,465
Just to prove, just to
prove this can be done,

771
00:34:28,467 --> 00:34:29,533
all right?

772
00:34:29,535 --> 00:34:31,101
Number one,

773
00:34:31,103 --> 00:34:34,137
I think he did a good job
raising those two daughters.

774
00:34:34,139 --> 00:34:38,742
They seem like very fine women,
they seem to love their dad.

775
00:34:38,744 --> 00:34:40,544
Number two, Bono.

776
00:34:40,546 --> 00:34:44,481
Bono credits Bush with
breaking the log jam

777
00:34:44,483 --> 00:34:47,851
and getting funds for
AIDS relief in Africa,

778
00:34:47,853 --> 00:34:50,153
that Bush put a
whole bunch of money

779
00:34:50,155 --> 00:34:51,988
into Africa for AIDS relief.

780
00:34:51,990 --> 00:34:55,125
(audience applauds)

781
00:34:55,127 --> 00:34:56,626
And number three,

782
00:34:58,397 --> 00:35:00,297
um, he loves his dogs!

783
00:35:01,400 --> 00:35:03,533
Yes, that's number three.

784
00:35:03,535 --> 00:35:06,436
He loved Barney,
Barney loved him.

785
00:35:07,306 --> 00:35:09,906
He was so good with those dogs.

786
00:35:09,908 --> 00:35:11,541
Okay, there's three
nice things about Bush.

787
00:35:11,543 --> 00:35:12,976
I've said them.

788
00:35:12,978 --> 00:35:14,911
So, to say something
nice about Hillary.

789
00:35:14,913 --> 00:35:17,114
We're gonna start with a man.

790
00:35:17,116 --> 00:35:19,850
I filmed this
seventeen years ago,

791
00:35:19,852 --> 00:35:21,751
I had a show called
The Awful Truth

792
00:35:21,753 --> 00:35:23,153
on the Bravo network.

793
00:35:23,155 --> 00:35:25,021
And, (audience
applauds) thank you.

794
00:35:25,023 --> 00:35:26,423
It was during the
Lewinsky scandal,

795
00:35:26,425 --> 00:35:27,824
and Clinton was being impeached,

796
00:35:27,826 --> 00:35:30,460
there was a lot of speculation
that she might leave him.

797
00:35:30,462 --> 00:35:32,062
And we had this
idea on the show,

798
00:35:32,064 --> 00:35:33,797
that let's go out and
try and find her a date.

799
00:35:33,799 --> 00:35:36,433
She deserves a date
with a nice guy.

800
00:35:36,435 --> 00:35:38,235
If we have that ready in
the booth, can we show them?

801
00:35:38,237 --> 00:35:40,036
This is 1998.

802
00:35:40,038 --> 00:35:41,371
- [Reporter] We're
doing an interview

803
00:35:41,373 --> 00:35:42,806
about Hillary
Clinton being single.

804
00:35:42,808 --> 00:35:44,307
- Oh really?
- Yeah, what do you think?

805
00:35:44,309 --> 00:35:45,909
- Well I think that
Hillary Clinton's

806
00:35:45,911 --> 00:35:48,912
a hell of a good woman and
I hope she's not single

807
00:35:48,914 --> 00:35:50,547
in a year and a half, I
hope they stay together

808
00:35:50,549 --> 00:35:51,748
and I think they will.

809
00:35:51,750 --> 00:35:52,883
I think she's very committed,

810
00:35:52,885 --> 00:35:54,368
and I think he's very committed.

811
00:35:54,369 --> 00:35:55,852
- [Reporter] You think that
she's not gonna be out having a,

812
00:35:55,854 --> 00:35:57,454
you don't wanna date
her when she's single?

813
00:35:57,456 --> 00:35:59,389
- No, I think that
she's very happy.

814
00:35:59,391 --> 00:36:01,158
I hope she's very
happy with her husband.

815
00:36:01,160 --> 00:36:04,861
and I think she understands her
husband better than anybody,

816
00:36:04,863 --> 00:36:06,429
and I think she'll be just fine.

817
00:36:06,431 --> 00:36:08,865
- [Reporter] So wow, okay.

818
00:36:08,867 --> 00:36:09,966
- Okay?

819
00:36:09,967 --> 00:36:11,066
- [Reporter] So
no dating advice?

820
00:36:11,069 --> 00:36:12,536
- I don't wanna give
her any dating advice.

821
00:36:12,538 --> 00:36:15,205
She's gonna be married
to our current president

822
00:36:15,207 --> 00:36:16,406
for a long time.

823
00:36:16,408 --> 00:36:18,108
- [Reporter] Alright, Donald.
- I hope.

824
00:36:18,110 --> 00:36:19,276
- [Reporter] Thanks a lot.

825
00:36:19,278 --> 00:36:20,343
I'll tell her you're
not interested.

826
00:36:20,345 --> 00:36:21,178
- Tell her.

827
00:36:21,180 --> 00:36:22,245
Have a good time.

828
00:36:22,247 --> 00:36:24,047
- [Reporter] Bye.

829
00:36:24,049 --> 00:36:26,249
- Well, I just left Michael
and he's a good man.

830
00:36:26,251 --> 00:36:27,851
He's a good man,
he's done a good job.

831
00:36:27,853 --> 00:36:29,286
- [Reporter] Yeah, okay, thanks.

832
00:36:29,288 --> 00:36:31,154
- 'Kay, have a good time.
- Bye.

833
00:36:31,156 --> 00:36:35,292
(audience laughs and claps)

834
00:36:35,294 --> 00:36:36,193
- See?

835
00:36:37,629 --> 00:36:41,865
See, he said something
nice about Hillary, and me.

836
00:36:41,867 --> 00:36:44,568
Right, so if he can
do it, you can do it.

837
00:36:44,570 --> 00:36:46,269
Anybody, just raise your hand.

838
00:36:46,271 --> 00:36:47,504
Yes, go ahead.

839
00:36:50,042 --> 00:36:52,008
She's overqualified.

840
00:36:52,010 --> 00:36:53,810
Is that a nice thing?

841
00:36:55,380 --> 00:36:57,347
Usually I'm, I used
to be told that

842
00:36:57,349 --> 00:36:59,983
when I didn't get the job.

843
00:36:59,985 --> 00:37:01,918
Right down here in
the center, yes, sir.

844
00:37:01,920 --> 00:37:03,086
- [Audience Member]
She's super smart.

845
00:37:03,088 --> 00:37:04,187
- She's super smart.

846
00:37:04,189 --> 00:37:05,522
(audience cheers)

847
00:37:07,259 --> 00:37:08,575
Over here.

848
00:37:08,576 --> 00:37:09,892
- Hillary actually
knows where Aleppo is.

849
00:37:09,895 --> 00:37:12,729
- Hillary knows where Aleppo is!

850
00:37:12,731 --> 00:37:14,364
There you go!

851
00:37:14,366 --> 00:37:15,732
Do we have anybody,
anybody from the

852
00:37:15,734 --> 00:37:17,534
I don't like Hillary camp

853
00:37:17,536 --> 00:37:19,302
that can say something
nice about her.

854
00:37:19,304 --> 00:37:20,704
Yes sir, in the red.

855
00:37:20,706 --> 00:37:22,005
(mumbles)

856
00:37:22,007 --> 00:37:22,973
She's what?

857
00:37:23,976 --> 00:37:25,775
She stood by her man?

858
00:37:28,647 --> 00:37:30,280
Yeah.

859
00:37:30,282 --> 00:37:33,483
(audience laughs)

860
00:37:33,485 --> 00:37:36,319
How 'bout the Mexicans up there?

861
00:37:36,321 --> 00:37:41,057
(speaking Spanish)

862
00:37:41,059 --> 00:37:42,792
True, that's very true.

863
00:37:42,794 --> 00:37:43,793
Let's check in with our Muslims.

864
00:37:43,795 --> 00:37:46,196
How are they doing up there?

865
00:37:49,468 --> 00:37:52,669
Okay, we'll have
to get that fixed.

866
00:37:52,671 --> 00:37:54,404
So anybody else?

867
00:37:54,406 --> 00:37:55,605
Come on.

868
00:37:55,606 --> 00:37:56,805
Right down here in
the front row, yes.

869
00:37:56,808 --> 00:37:58,541
- I think she's
every single thing

870
00:37:58,543 --> 00:38:00,343
we say we want our
daughters to be.

871
00:38:00,345 --> 00:38:03,980
She's smart, she works
hard, she's independent,

872
00:38:03,982 --> 00:38:07,217
and she doesn't take
any shit from anybody.

873
00:38:07,219 --> 00:38:09,319
- Wow, that was, that
was beautifully put.

874
00:38:09,321 --> 00:38:11,154
Alright, right behind, yes.

875
00:38:11,156 --> 00:38:12,322
Sir, right back there.

876
00:38:12,324 --> 00:38:15,725
- I like her ads, she
really has fought for our,

877
00:38:15,727 --> 00:38:17,027
- [Michael] You like her ass?

878
00:38:17,029 --> 00:38:18,995
(audience laughs)

879
00:38:18,997 --> 00:38:21,097
- Ad. Commercial.

880
00:38:21,099 --> 00:38:23,099
- Her ads, oh, her ads.

881
00:38:25,404 --> 00:38:26,803
- She really has

882
00:38:27,572 --> 00:38:32,175
fought for opportunity for
kids for her entire life.

883
00:38:32,177 --> 00:38:37,080
(audience applauds)
- Yes, that's very nice.

884
00:38:37,082 --> 00:38:40,050
Alright let me say something
nice about Hillary.

885
00:38:40,052 --> 00:38:42,552
I'm glad she killed
Vince Foster.

886
00:38:42,554 --> 00:38:45,522
(audience laughs)

887
00:38:47,426 --> 00:38:50,060
That's another knock on her,
she killed Vince Foster.

888
00:38:50,062 --> 00:38:51,628
White House Deputy Counsel,

889
00:38:51,630 --> 00:38:53,363
the Clintons had been
in there six months,

890
00:38:53,365 --> 00:38:55,765
all of a sudden, a Sunday
morning he's found dead

891
00:38:55,767 --> 00:38:58,635
in his car in a park on the
Potomac River,

892
00:38:58,637 --> 00:39:02,439
bullet hole in the head and
a suicide note in his hand.

893
00:39:02,441 --> 00:39:04,474
And ever since that, how long?

894
00:39:04,476 --> 00:39:06,309
Right, those of us,
you're a little older?

895
00:39:06,311 --> 00:39:09,079
Right, how long have we had
to listen to this, since 1993

896
00:39:09,081 --> 00:39:10,780
that Hillary killed
Vince Foster?

897
00:39:10,782 --> 00:39:12,015
I hope she did.

898
00:39:12,017 --> 00:39:14,317
(audience laughs)

899
00:39:14,319 --> 00:39:16,586
Because that's badass, man.

900
00:39:16,588 --> 00:39:18,154
How'd she do that?

901
00:39:19,191 --> 00:39:21,057
She must have jacked
his car at like

902
00:39:21,059 --> 00:39:24,828
eight in the morning on a
Sunday before going to church,

903
00:39:24,830 --> 00:39:27,831
shot him, written
that suicide note

904
00:39:27,833 --> 00:39:31,468
like a Jon Benet type note,
put that it in his hand,

905
00:39:31,470 --> 00:39:34,304
went back to the White
House for breakfast.

906
00:39:34,306 --> 00:39:35,772
Bill had no idea.

907
00:39:37,576 --> 00:39:39,776
Go on the Internet
tonight and type in,

908
00:39:39,778 --> 00:39:42,746
Hillary and murderer into Google

909
00:39:42,748 --> 00:39:46,015
and see what comes
up, seriously.

910
00:39:46,017 --> 00:39:48,151
She has killed 46 people.

911
00:39:50,622 --> 00:39:51,521
46 people.

912
00:39:53,558 --> 00:39:55,458
With her own bare hands.

913
00:39:55,460 --> 00:39:56,693
Ladies and gentlemen,

914
00:39:56,695 --> 00:39:59,996
this is who I want for
commander-in-chief.

915
00:39:59,998 --> 00:40:03,933
Somebody who's not
afraid to kill somebody!

916
00:40:03,935 --> 00:40:05,935
We haven't had somebody
in the Oval Office

917
00:40:05,937 --> 00:40:09,939
who has killed somebody
since Ulysses S. Grant.

918
00:40:12,077 --> 00:40:13,910
ISIS is going to shit

919
00:40:14,846 --> 00:40:16,479
if she's president.

920
00:40:20,185 --> 00:40:22,118
And you know what
the jihadist rule is,

921
00:40:22,120 --> 00:40:25,822
it's not martyrdom if
you're killed by a woman.

922
00:40:25,824 --> 00:40:28,558
If a girl kills you, you
don't go to paradise,

923
00:40:28,560 --> 00:40:30,493
you don't get the 72 virgins,

924
00:40:30,495 --> 00:40:33,596
it's like you're in a permanent
high school cafeteria table

925
00:40:33,598 --> 00:40:37,867
all alone with the rest of
the cafeteria mocking you

926
00:40:37,869 --> 00:40:38,868
cause a girl killed you.

927
00:40:42,941 --> 00:40:47,110
Listen you don't want the
70-year old out of shape guy

928
00:40:47,112 --> 00:40:49,746
who's had nannies and
servants his whole life.

929
00:40:49,748 --> 00:40:51,448
You want somebody who, in
the middle of the night,

930
00:40:51,450 --> 00:40:55,285
as commander-in-chief, will
parachute in with Delta Force

931
00:40:55,287 --> 00:40:57,987
and slit the throats of
two-dozen terrorists

932
00:40:57,989 --> 00:40:59,422
in their sleep.

933
00:40:59,424 --> 00:41:02,559
(audience applauds)

934
00:41:03,395 --> 00:41:04,794
Yeah!

935
00:41:06,765 --> 00:41:08,264
Um, I got a surprise
for you tonight.

936
00:41:08,266 --> 00:41:11,534
Um, someone from the Trump
campaign

937
00:41:11,536 --> 00:41:14,671
has leaked us a copy
of their new ad.

938
00:41:14,673 --> 00:41:17,841
- [Narrator] The diseases,
she's had them all,

939
00:41:17,843 --> 00:41:22,245
pneumonia, hypothyroidism,
allergies, yeast infection,

940
00:41:22,247 --> 00:41:26,616
urinary tract discomfort,
pregnancy, childbirth,

941
00:41:26,618 --> 00:41:30,954
time-of-month disorder,
bleeding from wherever disease,

942
00:41:30,956 --> 00:41:32,188
and menopause.

943
00:41:33,225 --> 00:41:34,858
Do you want a commander-in-chief

944
00:41:34,860 --> 00:41:37,727
whose lady parts
are out of control?

945
00:41:37,729 --> 00:41:39,929
Or do you want a
fit, buff leader

946
00:41:39,931 --> 00:41:42,398
who will be the
healthiest president ever?

947
00:41:42,400 --> 00:41:43,733
Ever?

948
00:41:43,735 --> 00:41:45,735
Even healthier than
Teddy Roosevelt,

949
00:41:45,737 --> 00:41:48,304
and he was shot in the chest.

950
00:41:48,306 --> 00:41:50,940
Yes, there's only one
candidate this year

951
00:41:50,942 --> 00:41:54,878
healthy enough to spawn an
entire new breed of humans.

952
00:41:54,880 --> 00:41:58,414
Vote Trump, he never gets sick.

953
00:41:58,416 --> 00:42:00,650
- Well I could stand in
the middle of 5th Avenue

954
00:42:00,652 --> 00:42:03,152
and shoot somebody, and I
wouldn't lose any voters, okay?

955
00:42:03,154 --> 00:42:05,088
- [Narrator] Now that's sick.

956
00:42:05,090 --> 00:42:09,259
- I'm Donald Trump,
and I so approve this message.

957
00:42:09,261 --> 00:42:12,195
(audience laughs and applauds)

958
00:42:12,197 --> 00:42:13,263
- Effective.

959
00:42:15,000 --> 00:42:18,301
I think he's gonna
do really well.

960
00:42:18,303 --> 00:42:20,370
I want to tell you
a little story.

961
00:42:20,372 --> 00:42:24,107
When I wrote my
first book in 1996,

962
00:42:24,109 --> 00:42:26,409
it was called Downsize This

963
00:42:26,411 --> 00:42:28,611
And there was a
chapter in there called

964
00:42:28,613 --> 00:42:31,180
My Forbidden Love For Hillary.

965
00:42:31,182 --> 00:42:33,716
And so you've
probably seen these

966
00:42:33,718 --> 00:42:35,785
different photographs

967
00:42:35,787 --> 00:42:37,787
behind me on the
stage here tonight.

968
00:42:37,789 --> 00:42:41,558
I was just really upset with
the way she was being treated

969
00:42:41,560 --> 00:42:43,293
when she was First Lady.

970
00:42:43,295 --> 00:42:45,795
I mean she was being knocked
and criticized all the time,

971
00:42:45,797 --> 00:42:48,031
she was being made fun of.

972
00:42:48,767 --> 00:42:50,934
How she looked, how she dressed.

973
00:42:50,936 --> 00:42:55,672
And, and also for
being the co-president.

974
00:42:55,674 --> 00:42:57,106
Right?

975
00:42:57,108 --> 00:42:59,776
Because, remember when
she said that they were,

976
00:42:59,778 --> 00:43:01,578
she was being criticized
during the campaign

977
00:43:01,580 --> 00:43:03,513
when Bill first
ran and she said,

978
00:43:03,515 --> 00:43:05,715
"Look I'm not some little
lady gonna be in the kitchen

979
00:43:05,717 --> 00:43:08,117
"baking cookies
and hosting teas."

980
00:43:08,119 --> 00:43:09,619
Attacks on her started then,

981
00:43:09,621 --> 00:43:12,655
and she was the butt of jokes
of late night comedians.

982
00:43:12,657 --> 00:43:14,524
I remember there was one,

983
00:43:14,526 --> 00:43:15,658
one joke was,

984
00:43:15,660 --> 00:43:19,862
"Hey have you heard about
the new Hillary combo at KFC?

985
00:43:19,864 --> 00:43:24,000
"It's got two large
thighs, two small breasts,

986
00:43:24,002 --> 00:43:25,802
"and two left wings."

987
00:43:29,174 --> 00:43:30,807
And I thought about it for
a minute, and I thought,

988
00:43:30,809 --> 00:43:32,642
well, it sounds
pretty good to me.

989
00:43:32,644 --> 00:43:36,145
(audience laughs)

990
00:43:36,147 --> 00:43:37,513
No but I just,

991
00:43:37,515 --> 00:43:39,382
I thought she was beautiful.

992
00:43:39,384 --> 00:43:41,217
I thought she was smart.

993
00:43:41,219 --> 00:43:44,420
I thought she was a nice person.

994
00:43:44,422 --> 00:43:47,490
I didn't understand
what this was.

995
00:43:47,492 --> 00:43:49,058
And so I wrote
this chapter called

996
00:43:49,060 --> 00:43:51,861
My Forbidden Love For Hillary.

997
00:43:51,863 --> 00:43:55,431
And I got invited to
a White House dinner.

998
00:43:56,368 --> 00:44:00,570
And to give you some context
for this, the dinner took place

999
00:44:00,572 --> 00:44:04,474
the night before Clinton's
impeachment, okay?

1000
00:44:04,476 --> 00:44:06,376
So what a night to
be there, right?

1001
00:44:06,378 --> 00:44:08,444
He didn't look good.
Um...

1002
00:44:09,114 --> 00:44:12,081
Do we have the picture
of me at the White house?

1003
00:44:12,083 --> 00:44:14,050
There I am, there I am.

1004
00:44:15,320 --> 00:44:17,020
Hey, I clean up okay, right?

1005
00:44:17,022 --> 00:44:18,321
(audience laughs)

1006
00:44:18,323 --> 00:44:20,823
You go through this reception
line before the dinner,

1007
00:44:20,825 --> 00:44:22,058
and you walk into the East Room,

1008
00:44:22,060 --> 00:44:25,728
and there's a Marine guard
there who announces you,

1009
00:44:25,730 --> 00:44:28,031
and so there's like 100
people going through the line.

1010
00:44:28,033 --> 00:44:29,832
So I'm standing there,

1011
00:44:29,834 --> 00:44:31,434
and you're told

1012
00:44:31,435 --> 00:44:33,035
"You get five seconds,
then you gotta keep moving.

1013
00:44:33,038 --> 00:44:36,572
"Shake their hands, say
something nice, move on."

1014
00:44:36,574 --> 00:44:41,511
And the marine goes, "Mr.
President and Madame First Lady,

1015
00:44:41,513 --> 00:44:43,479
"uh, Michael Moore?"

1016
00:44:43,481 --> 00:44:46,382
(audience laughs)

1017
00:44:50,488 --> 00:44:52,288
So I walked in there,

1018
00:44:52,290 --> 00:44:55,191
and Bill grabs my
hand, and he goes,

1019
00:44:55,193 --> 00:44:58,227
"Oh Michael Moore,
I just, I love you.

1020
00:44:58,229 --> 00:45:00,229
"I love your number one fan,

1021
00:45:00,231 --> 00:45:02,765
"I love, I love
your show TV Nation.

1022
00:45:02,767 --> 00:45:04,734
"I remember that
one episode you did,

1023
00:45:04,736 --> 00:45:08,271
"where you went to Idaho, and
you went to that Klan rally,

1024
00:45:08,273 --> 00:45:09,439
"oh that was just,"

1025
00:45:09,441 --> 00:45:11,207
And I'm thinking, "What?"

1026
00:45:11,209 --> 00:45:13,409
(audience laughs)

1027
00:45:13,411 --> 00:45:15,378
Like these Clintons
are good, man,

1028
00:45:15,380 --> 00:45:17,380
there's 100 people here

1029
00:45:17,381 --> 00:45:19,381
and he's got a story
for every one of them.

1030
00:45:19,384 --> 00:45:22,685
He's referencing
an obscure episode,

1031
00:45:22,687 --> 00:45:25,254
on a Friday night show on NBC,

1032
00:45:26,591 --> 00:45:27,423
of mine.

1033
00:45:27,425 --> 00:45:28,257
And he's like,

1034
00:45:28,259 --> 00:45:29,993
it's like he knows,

1035
00:45:29,994 --> 00:45:31,728
and he's accurately
describing the episode.

1036
00:45:31,730 --> 00:45:32,729
And I'm thinking, man.

1037
00:45:32,731 --> 00:45:34,597
"And I just I love Roger and Me,

1038
00:45:34,599 --> 00:45:37,266
"You're just, I'm
your number one fan."

1039
00:45:37,268 --> 00:45:40,837
And at that moment,
Hillary grabs my hand,

1040
00:45:40,839 --> 00:45:43,072
takes it out of his
hand, and says to him,

1041
00:45:43,074 --> 00:45:46,542
"No you're not, I'm
his number one fan."

1042
00:45:46,544 --> 00:45:48,344
And then she just,

1043
00:45:48,346 --> 00:45:51,414
(audience applauds)

1044
00:45:54,486 --> 00:45:57,787
And she goes, "I
just want to say,

1045
00:45:57,789 --> 00:46:00,189
"what you wrote about
me in your book.

1046
00:46:00,191 --> 00:46:01,724
"I'm just, it was so wonderful,

1047
00:46:01,726 --> 00:46:03,359
"and that first
line in the book."

1048
00:46:03,361 --> 00:46:05,795
And my face was
turning red, right?

1049
00:46:05,797 --> 00:46:07,597
And, 'cause the first
line in the chapter of

1050
00:46:07,599 --> 00:46:09,565
My Forbidden Love For Hillary,

1051
00:46:09,567 --> 00:46:12,869
where I have all
these photos of her,

1052
00:46:12,871 --> 00:46:14,403
the first line was,

1053
00:46:14,405 --> 00:46:18,574
"Hillary Clinton, she's one hot
shit-kicking feminist babe."

1054
00:46:18,576 --> 00:46:21,577
(audience laughs)

1055
00:46:24,149 --> 00:46:26,749
"I just, I love everything.

1056
00:46:26,751 --> 00:46:29,752
"And when you talked about me
on The Today Show, that just,"

1057
00:46:29,754 --> 00:46:32,455
And now at this point, I
had been there for too long.

1058
00:46:32,457 --> 00:46:33,990
Her aide is like stepping in,

1059
00:46:33,992 --> 00:46:36,025
because she thinks I'm
holding the line up,

1060
00:46:36,027 --> 00:46:38,161
but it's Hillary
that won't let me go.

1061
00:46:38,163 --> 00:46:39,862
And Hillary sees
the aide coming,

1062
00:46:39,864 --> 00:46:42,999
and she goes like
this, "Shoo, shoo."

1063
00:46:43,902 --> 00:46:47,036
And I said, "Well I just,
listen, I just think,

1064
00:46:47,038 --> 00:46:49,572
"I'm so sorry you're
going through all this

1065
00:46:49,574 --> 00:46:53,042
"with you know, but
you're a good person.

1066
00:46:53,044 --> 00:46:55,444
"And you seem like a good mom.

1067
00:46:55,446 --> 00:46:58,648
"And you should run for Senate."

1068
00:46:58,650 --> 00:47:02,952
(Michael laughs and
audience laughs)

1069
00:47:04,756 --> 00:47:07,857
And now, I could not, I
went through all the files

1070
00:47:07,859 --> 00:47:10,793
trying to find this picture
of her holding my hand,

1071
00:47:10,795 --> 00:47:12,695
but there is a picture
that was snapped

1072
00:47:12,697 --> 00:47:14,597
just as I walked away.

1073
00:47:15,433 --> 00:47:16,933
Okay, check this,

1074
00:47:16,935 --> 00:47:19,335
alright, look at
this, look at this.

1075
00:47:19,337 --> 00:47:21,304
That's right, that's the truth.

1076
00:47:21,306 --> 00:47:23,372
This is all true, look at that.

1077
00:47:23,374 --> 00:47:26,876
One of them is really happy,
and one of them is not.

1078
00:47:26,878 --> 00:47:29,779
(audience laughs)

1079
00:47:32,217 --> 00:47:35,484
And that's when she took me
up to the Lincoln Bedroom, um...

1080
00:47:35,486 --> 00:47:38,454
(audience laughs)

1081
00:47:38,456 --> 00:47:40,489
No, no, no, nothing
happened, nothing happened.

1082
00:47:40,491 --> 00:47:45,027
I'm just saying though, it was
a very special moment for me,

1083
00:47:45,029 --> 00:47:48,931
because I just felt
you know, she had been,

1084
00:47:48,933 --> 00:47:52,001
it was, her treatment
was just awful.

1085
00:47:52,003 --> 00:47:54,337
If you're young,
you don't know this.

1086
00:47:54,339 --> 00:47:56,005
If you weren't alive
then, you don't know it.

1087
00:47:56,007 --> 00:47:57,640
But people that were alive then,

1088
00:47:57,642 --> 00:47:59,408
you know what I'm saying, right?

1089
00:47:59,410 --> 00:48:02,011
I'm not making this up, I'm
not exaggerating it, am I?

1090
00:48:02,013 --> 00:48:05,915
You know, and the knock
on her was just awful.

1091
00:48:08,853 --> 00:48:13,189
Last year, I was shooting my, a
movie, "Where To Invade Next",

1092
00:48:13,191 --> 00:48:16,392
and we went to this
country, Estonia.

1093
00:48:16,394 --> 00:48:17,927
I wanted to go there
because I was trying to show

1094
00:48:17,929 --> 00:48:20,796
in different countries,
what they do better than us,

1095
00:48:20,798 --> 00:48:22,565
and what can we learn from them?

1096
00:48:22,567 --> 00:48:25,668
And so, I went to
Estonia because they are,

1097
00:48:25,670 --> 00:48:27,370
the World Health
Organization says

1098
00:48:27,372 --> 00:48:29,972
that you have the least
chance as a woman,

1099
00:48:29,974 --> 00:48:32,341
dying in childbirth in Estonia,

1100
00:48:32,343 --> 00:48:34,577
than in any other
country on the planet.

1101
00:48:34,579 --> 00:48:35,978
If you live in Cleveland,

1102
00:48:35,980 --> 00:48:38,514
you have a three times greater
chance of dying in childbirth

1103
00:48:38,516 --> 00:48:40,516
than you do in Estonia.

1104
00:48:41,419 --> 00:48:44,020
And so they took me
to the maternity ward,

1105
00:48:44,022 --> 00:48:46,589
and they had the head doctor
of the maternity ward,

1106
00:48:46,591 --> 00:48:48,424
and he's showing me around,

1107
00:48:48,426 --> 00:48:51,827
and he's telling me why
they're so good at this.

1108
00:48:51,829 --> 00:48:53,129
We're walking down this hallway,

1109
00:48:53,131 --> 00:48:55,131
and there's a
picture on the wall.

1110
00:48:55,133 --> 00:48:57,099
And I stopped him, and
I said, "Wait a minute.

1111
00:48:57,101 --> 00:48:59,568
"I know the person
in that photo."

1112
00:48:59,570 --> 00:49:01,671
That's me and the doctor
there in the hallway.

1113
00:49:01,673 --> 00:49:05,107
Can we just punch in a
little bit on this here.

1114
00:49:05,109 --> 00:49:08,010
It's Hillary Clinton,
shaking this guy's hand.

1115
00:49:08,012 --> 00:49:09,612
I said, "Where did this happen?"

1116
00:49:09,614 --> 00:49:14,150
He said, "It happened right
where you're standing."

1117
00:49:14,152 --> 00:49:16,118
I said "Oh my God,
who's the guy?"

1118
00:49:16,120 --> 00:49:20,489
"That is me, twenty years ago."

1119
00:49:20,491 --> 00:49:21,991
I said "Oh my God.

1120
00:49:21,993 --> 00:49:25,728
"Okay, so what was
she doing in Estonia?"

1121
00:49:25,730 --> 00:49:27,897
"Well, don't you remember?

1122
00:49:27,899 --> 00:49:30,900
"She wanted you to have
universal healthcare.

1123
00:49:30,902 --> 00:49:32,969
"So she was studying.

1124
00:49:32,971 --> 00:49:35,738
"She went around the
world to study it.

1125
00:49:35,740 --> 00:49:37,673
"And she came to little Estonia

1126
00:49:37,675 --> 00:49:40,042
"for the same reason
you're here tonight.

1127
00:49:40,044 --> 00:49:44,013
"To find out why so many more
women survive childbirth here

1128
00:49:44,015 --> 00:49:46,983
"than in the United States."

1129
00:49:46,985 --> 00:49:50,619
And I said, "Oh my God,
wow, she came here?"

1130
00:49:50,621 --> 00:49:53,823
"Yes, and then she went back,

1131
00:49:53,825 --> 00:49:56,092
"and you didn't listen to her.

1132
00:49:56,094 --> 00:50:00,062
"Instead, you humiliated
her, and attacked her.

1133
00:50:01,899 --> 00:50:04,100
"And you've gone
twenty years now

1134
00:50:04,102 --> 00:50:06,569
"without universal healthcare.

1135
00:50:06,571 --> 00:50:08,204
"And we've had it."

1136
00:50:09,040 --> 00:50:12,675
I said, "um, I made
this movie, Sicko."

1137
00:50:12,677 --> 00:50:15,845
and while making the
movie I learned that

1138
00:50:15,847 --> 00:50:17,646
according to the
congressional budget office,

1139
00:50:17,648 --> 00:50:20,916
nearly 50,000
Americans die each year

1140
00:50:20,918 --> 00:50:23,452
for one simple reason.

1141
00:50:23,454 --> 00:50:25,554
They don't have health insurance

1142
00:50:25,556 --> 00:50:27,823
or they don't have
adequate health insurance.

1143
00:50:27,825 --> 00:50:30,459
In other words, not
because of the disease,

1144
00:50:30,461 --> 00:50:32,762
not because of the
germs in the hospital,

1145
00:50:32,764 --> 00:50:34,930
but because they didn't
have health insurance

1146
00:50:34,932 --> 00:50:37,266
they put off going
to the doctor,

1147
00:50:37,268 --> 00:50:39,568
or they had crappy
health insurance

1148
00:50:39,570 --> 00:50:41,804
and the doctor couldn't
send them to the specialist

1149
00:50:41,806 --> 00:50:43,305
that he wanted to send them to.

1150
00:50:43,307 --> 00:50:44,807
So they died.

1151
00:50:44,809 --> 00:50:48,544
They died only because
they were Americans.

1152
00:50:48,546 --> 00:50:50,846
If they lived across
the river from Detroit

1153
00:50:50,848 --> 00:50:54,083
in Windsor, Canada
they'd be alive.

1154
00:50:54,085 --> 00:50:56,919
But because they were
American, they died.

1155
00:50:56,921 --> 00:50:58,287
50,000 a year.

1156
00:50:58,289 --> 00:51:02,058
And I sat there and I started
doing the math of this.

1157
00:51:02,060 --> 00:51:05,061
Like, 20 years,
50,000 people dead.

1158
00:51:06,397 --> 00:51:07,296
Holy shit.

1159
00:51:08,232 --> 00:51:10,366
It's like a million people.

1160
00:51:10,368 --> 00:51:14,170
That's a million of our
fellow Americans dead

1161
00:51:15,406 --> 00:51:18,974
because they didn't
have health insurance.

1162
00:51:19,911 --> 00:51:23,813
If they'd been Canadian
or French or Scottish,

1163
00:51:24,882 --> 00:51:25,848
or Chilean,

1164
00:51:27,318 --> 00:51:30,453
or just about anywhere
else in the world,

1165
00:51:30,455 --> 00:51:32,354
they would have lived.

1166
00:51:33,157 --> 00:51:37,093
Every 9/11, we have somber
vigils and memorials

1167
00:51:37,095 --> 00:51:40,329
for the 3,000 Americans
who died in that attack,

1168
00:51:40,331 --> 00:51:41,497
as we should.

1169
00:51:43,301 --> 00:51:44,667
3000.

1170
00:51:44,669 --> 00:51:47,103
I still tear up over it.

1171
00:51:47,105 --> 00:51:49,472
One of my producers was
on the plane from Boston

1172
00:51:49,474 --> 00:51:51,941
that went in the North Tower.

1173
00:51:53,711 --> 00:51:56,145
We shed no tears for
the million Americans

1174
00:51:56,147 --> 00:51:58,547
who have died from
that act of terrorism.

1175
00:51:58,549 --> 00:52:01,450
One million dead Americans

1176
00:52:01,452 --> 00:52:05,521
because we refused to
listen to Hillary Clinton.

1177
00:52:08,326 --> 00:52:09,325
Who are we?

1178
00:52:11,129 --> 00:52:13,028
And what is terrorism?

1179
00:52:14,165 --> 00:52:16,165
We don't think for one second

1180
00:52:16,167 --> 00:52:20,569
about the one million
dead Americans killed

1181
00:52:20,571 --> 00:52:22,705
by a system run by greed.

1182
00:52:24,142 --> 00:52:26,041
Greed of the
insurance companies.

1183
00:52:26,043 --> 00:52:28,978
(audience applauds)
One million dead.

1184
00:52:28,980 --> 00:52:31,046
One million dead.

1185
00:52:35,920 --> 00:52:38,320
It's wrong, it's just wrong.

1186
00:52:40,558 --> 00:52:43,626
One million of our
fellow Americans.

1187
00:52:48,166 --> 00:52:50,332
Where are the tears for them?

1188
00:52:50,334 --> 00:52:53,536
Where are their names
on a marble wall?

1189
00:52:53,538 --> 00:52:54,937
I saw some of you standing.

1190
00:52:54,939 --> 00:52:56,438
I know why the response to that,

1191
00:52:56,440 --> 00:52:58,941
cause we all know
somebody, don't we?

1192
00:52:58,943 --> 00:53:01,177
We all have a family
member, a neighbor,

1193
00:53:01,179 --> 00:53:03,679
somebody we went to school
with, somebody at work,

1194
00:53:03,681 --> 00:53:07,049
somebody down the street,
somebody we heard about.

1195
00:53:07,051 --> 00:53:10,119
They put off going
to the doctor.

1196
00:53:10,121 --> 00:53:13,722
Or they went but they didn't
have enough health insurance.

1197
00:53:13,724 --> 00:53:15,324
And even with Obamacare

1198
00:53:15,326 --> 00:53:17,760
we still have almost
thirty million

1199
00:53:17,762 --> 00:53:20,629
with no health insurance.

1200
00:53:20,631 --> 00:53:23,265
These are our fellow Americans.

1201
00:53:24,969 --> 00:53:27,469
And yet Hillary was attacked,

1202
00:53:31,008 --> 00:53:33,008
she was humiliated.

1203
00:53:33,010 --> 00:53:36,478
You remember this,
when this happened?

1204
00:53:36,480 --> 00:53:39,315
People in Congress were
like "Get rid of her.

1205
00:53:39,317 --> 00:53:40,416
"She's not the President.

1206
00:53:40,418 --> 00:53:42,885
"Nobody elected you."

1207
00:53:42,887 --> 00:53:45,187
And it went down to defeat.

1208
00:53:51,395 --> 00:53:53,596
And it never got
brought up again did it,

1209
00:53:53,598 --> 00:53:56,565
until Obama started
bringing it up.

1210
00:53:58,469 --> 00:54:00,402
Never got brought up again.

1211
00:54:00,404 --> 00:54:04,673
And they forced her to
change into someone else.

1212
00:54:04,675 --> 00:54:06,642
She was told to shut up.

1213
00:54:06,644 --> 00:54:10,879
And she started baking the
cookies and hosting the teas.

1214
00:54:12,583 --> 00:54:15,751
I don't know,
something's wrong here.

1215
00:54:16,587 --> 00:54:18,587
In a way we have a chance
to redeem ourselves,

1216
00:54:18,589 --> 00:54:20,256
don't we, for this.

1217
00:54:23,928 --> 00:54:26,362
It's possible, I don't know.

1218
00:54:26,364 --> 00:54:28,797
You know when you've
got the Pope saying

1219
00:54:28,799 --> 00:54:31,300
that what you're doing is a sin,

1220
00:54:31,302 --> 00:54:35,437
that it's a sin not to help
someone when they're sick,

1221
00:54:35,439 --> 00:54:38,240
and not have them worry
about how much it cost them,

1222
00:54:38,242 --> 00:54:41,510
because in the Bible
it says, right?

1223
00:54:41,512 --> 00:54:43,045
I mean Jesus laid it out,

1224
00:54:43,047 --> 00:54:45,214
I know you're not here
for a religion lesson,

1225
00:54:45,216 --> 00:54:46,815
but if you believe in that,

1226
00:54:46,817 --> 00:54:49,351
he lays it out
pretty clearly right?

1227
00:54:49,353 --> 00:54:51,754
But this new Pope he gets it.

1228
00:54:51,756 --> 00:54:54,123
What's the deal with him?

1229
00:54:54,125 --> 00:54:55,791
Whoa,

1230
00:54:55,793 --> 00:54:56,492
right?

1231
00:54:56,494 --> 00:54:57,793
I mean, he was,

1232
00:54:59,864 --> 00:55:03,265
he's like, he's like, I
got a theory about him too

1233
00:55:03,267 --> 00:55:05,434
because he was in
Buenos Aires, right?

1234
00:55:05,436 --> 00:55:07,036
During the time of the Junta,

1235
00:55:07,038 --> 00:55:08,637
during the time of
the generals, right?

1236
00:55:08,639 --> 00:55:11,173
When all those people were
killed, he was the guy.

1237
00:55:11,175 --> 00:55:12,574
He was the guy for the
Catholic Church there,

1238
00:55:12,576 --> 00:55:14,443
what did he do?

1239
00:55:14,445 --> 00:55:15,811
What did he say?

1240
00:55:15,813 --> 00:55:17,479
I don't remember anything.

1241
00:55:17,481 --> 00:55:19,281
I remember on the day
he was elected pope,

1242
00:55:19,283 --> 00:55:22,918
I remember thinking,
"Oh, this is not good."

1243
00:55:22,920 --> 00:55:26,622
And then within a
month, he's like,

1244
00:55:26,624 --> 00:55:29,191
"Okay, atheists go to heaven."

1245
00:55:29,960 --> 00:55:31,860
Atheists go to heaven?

1246
00:55:33,864 --> 00:55:35,664
He said if he could
personally apologize

1247
00:55:35,666 --> 00:55:36,832
to every gay and lesbian,

1248
00:55:36,834 --> 00:55:39,234
for the harm caused to them
by the Catholic Church,

1249
00:55:39,236 --> 00:55:40,936
he would like to do that.

1250
00:55:40,938 --> 00:55:44,406
Wow.
(audience applauds)

1251
00:55:46,344 --> 00:55:49,244
Then he said
capitalism is a sin.

1252
00:55:49,246 --> 00:55:50,145
Whoa!

1253
00:55:52,216 --> 00:55:53,449
Oh!

1254
00:55:53,451 --> 00:55:55,851
When he said that I
thought, oh my God.

1255
00:55:55,853 --> 00:55:57,353
I, actually I don't know
if you remember this,

1256
00:55:57,355 --> 00:55:58,687
I volunteered publicly to be

1257
00:55:58,689 --> 00:56:00,956
his soup taste tester, you know?

1258
00:56:00,958 --> 00:56:04,860
Like they're gonna kill
this guy for sure now!

1259
00:56:06,163 --> 00:56:08,831
He said, "When you die,
your pets will be in heaven

1260
00:56:08,833 --> 00:56:10,766
"there to greet you."

1261
00:56:10,768 --> 00:56:13,168
Aww, aww!

1262
00:56:15,306 --> 00:56:17,473
No this guy, right?

1263
00:56:17,475 --> 00:56:19,575
How did he get the job?

1264
00:56:19,577 --> 00:56:22,878
He must have kept
quiet all those years.

1265
00:56:22,880 --> 00:56:24,880
But he's thinking,
he's planning.

1266
00:56:24,882 --> 00:56:26,248
He gets all these
other cardinals

1267
00:56:26,250 --> 00:56:28,517
to think he's some
conservative asshole

1268
00:56:28,519 --> 00:56:31,754
from some South
American dictatorship.

1269
00:56:32,890 --> 00:56:36,959
Then they vote him in,
and they're like, "Whoa!"

1270
00:56:38,095 --> 00:56:40,429
They don't know what to do.

1271
00:56:41,632 --> 00:56:45,601
But he bided his time,
he bided his time.

1272
00:56:45,603 --> 00:56:49,905
And I've had this crazy
feeling lately, and I know,

1273
00:56:49,907 --> 00:56:53,542
I'm sorry to lay too much
optimism on you here tonight,

1274
00:56:53,544 --> 00:56:58,614
what if, what if Hillary
becomes our Pope Francis?

1275
00:56:59,116 --> 00:57:02,351
What if she has her
Pope Frank moment?

1276
00:57:03,320 --> 00:57:06,255
What if all this time, right?

1277
00:57:06,257 --> 00:57:08,590
This has been part
of her long game?

1278
00:57:08,592 --> 00:57:13,028
Like she's had this ambition
since she was a teenager.

1279
00:57:13,030 --> 00:57:15,564
When she was in college she
gave the graduation speech.

1280
00:57:15,566 --> 00:57:18,467
If you read her speech, it
reads like Bernie wrote it.

1281
00:57:18,469 --> 00:57:21,804
This is actually her
voice at the age of 22

1282
00:57:21,806 --> 00:57:24,306
giving her graduation speech.

1283
00:57:24,308 --> 00:57:25,607
Listen to this.

1284
00:57:26,677 --> 00:57:28,277
- [Hillary] The struggle
for an integrated life

1285
00:57:28,279 --> 00:57:31,847
existing in an atmosphere of
communal trust and respect

1286
00:57:31,849 --> 00:57:33,782
is one with
desperately important

1287
00:57:33,784 --> 00:57:36,318
political and
social consequences.

1288
00:57:36,320 --> 00:57:37,753
And the word
consequences, of course,

1289
00:57:37,755 --> 00:57:40,088
catapults us into the future.

1290
00:57:40,090 --> 00:57:42,791
One of the most tragic things
that happened yesterday,

1291
00:57:42,793 --> 00:57:45,194
a beautiful day, was that
I was talking to a woman

1292
00:57:45,196 --> 00:57:46,628
who said she wouldn't
want to be me

1293
00:57:46,630 --> 00:57:48,297
for anything in the world.

1294
00:57:48,299 --> 00:57:50,549
She wouldn't want to live today

1295
00:57:50,550 --> 00:57:52,800
and look ahead to what it is
she sees, because she's afraid.

1296
00:57:52,803 --> 00:57:56,472
Fear is always with us, but we
just don't have time for it.

1297
00:57:56,474 --> 00:57:57,372
Not now.

1298
00:57:58,876 --> 00:57:59,775
- Fear.

1299
00:57:59,777 --> 00:58:05,047
It's like the women of
Hillary's generation

1300
00:58:06,183 --> 00:58:10,152
were the first feminists
of the modern era.

1301
00:58:10,154 --> 00:58:12,221
They were raised by women.

1302
00:58:12,223 --> 00:58:14,056
Their mothers and grandmothers

1303
00:58:14,058 --> 00:58:15,724
had to go to work
during World War II

1304
00:58:15,726 --> 00:58:17,359
because the men were gone.

1305
00:58:17,361 --> 00:58:18,460
It was the first time
women were able to

1306
00:58:18,462 --> 00:58:20,496
leave the house and have a job.

1307
00:58:20,498 --> 00:58:22,364
And they worked in factories,
they worked in the office,

1308
00:58:22,366 --> 00:58:23,932
they ran the country.

1309
00:58:23,934 --> 00:58:25,767
They did all the work.

1310
00:58:25,769 --> 00:58:27,369
And then after the
war, the men came home

1311
00:58:27,371 --> 00:58:29,838
and they told the women
to go back to the kitchen,

1312
00:58:29,840 --> 00:58:32,140
and they did, most of them.

1313
00:58:33,477 --> 00:58:35,277
But they didn't,

1314
00:58:35,279 --> 00:58:37,679
they didn't leave or
forget what it was like

1315
00:58:37,681 --> 00:58:41,149
to have that freedom to
earn their own money.

1316
00:58:41,151 --> 00:58:43,485
The women of that
World War II generation

1317
00:58:43,487 --> 00:58:46,121
raised that next generation.

1318
00:58:46,123 --> 00:58:48,991
That's Hillary's generation.

1319
00:58:48,993 --> 00:58:51,894
There's women in here
tonight of that generation,

1320
00:58:51,896 --> 00:58:53,529
of my generation even.

1321
00:58:53,531 --> 00:58:56,198
You know what it
was like back then.

1322
00:58:56,200 --> 00:58:58,834
Younger people in here, I
gotta tell you something.

1323
00:58:58,836 --> 00:59:00,469
It was not pleasant

1324
00:59:01,272 --> 00:59:03,772
to stand up for what
you believed in.

1325
00:59:03,774 --> 00:59:05,007
It was not easy

1326
00:59:06,777 --> 00:59:10,512
to say, "I want it
to be this way."

1327
00:59:10,514 --> 00:59:12,447
The harassment
that they suffered,

1328
00:59:12,449 --> 00:59:16,084
the abuse that they
took at work, at school,

1329
00:59:16,086 --> 00:59:18,053
if they decided to stand up

1330
00:59:18,055 --> 00:59:20,422
they were sure to be alone,

1331
00:59:20,424 --> 00:59:22,057
other than a few other women,

1332
00:59:22,059 --> 00:59:25,027
young girls that were with them.

1333
00:59:25,029 --> 00:59:26,728
Hillary went through
this whole thing.

1334
00:59:26,730 --> 00:59:28,430
She went through the same thing.

1335
00:59:28,432 --> 00:59:30,065
I'm seeing some women
nod their heads,

1336
00:59:30,067 --> 00:59:32,067
you know what I'm talking about.

1337
00:59:32,069 --> 00:59:33,936
You know, getting pinched
on the ass everyday

1338
00:59:33,938 --> 00:59:35,871
was a common occurrence.

1339
00:59:35,873 --> 00:59:39,374
You could say all
kinds of shit to women.

1340
00:59:39,376 --> 00:59:41,476
You could threaten them.

1341
00:59:41,478 --> 00:59:42,844
There was no such thing as

1342
00:59:42,846 --> 00:59:45,714
battered spousal
abuse, whatever.

1343
00:59:45,716 --> 00:59:47,249
There was not a word for it.

1344
00:59:47,251 --> 00:59:49,618
And the shit that Hillary took

1345
00:59:49,620 --> 00:59:51,653
as a young woman,

1346
00:59:51,655 --> 00:59:55,057
marrying Bill Clinton,
going to Arkansas.

1347
00:59:55,059 --> 00:59:58,260
She decided that she was
going to have her own job.

1348
00:59:58,262 --> 01:00:01,129
She was going to work
for the Legal Aid Society

1349
01:00:01,131 --> 01:00:04,199
helping poor people
with free legal help.

1350
01:00:04,201 --> 01:00:08,604
And people in Arkansas
were like, "What's this?"

1351
01:00:08,606 --> 01:00:10,739
He lost his election,

1352
01:00:10,741 --> 01:00:12,774
according to the
pundits in Arkansas,

1353
01:00:12,776 --> 01:00:15,911
because she refused to
change her last name to his.

1354
01:00:15,913 --> 01:00:19,281
She was known as Hillary Rodham,

1355
01:00:19,283 --> 01:00:20,882
and all the papers,
everybody said,

1356
01:00:20,884 --> 01:00:23,785
"Well you know,
this is Arkansas."

1357
01:00:25,155 --> 01:00:27,723
And so to help him out
in the next election

1358
01:00:27,725 --> 01:00:29,458
she changed her name

1359
01:00:30,327 --> 01:00:33,228
to Hillary Rodham Clinton.

1360
01:00:33,230 --> 01:00:37,499
And to help him out further
on, she dropped the Rodham.

1361
01:00:37,501 --> 01:00:41,103
She was willing to subjugate
and submerge herself

1362
01:00:41,105 --> 01:00:45,240
to help him do this, and
to take the shit for it.

1363
01:00:46,510 --> 01:00:48,043
I have a theory about this,

1364
01:00:48,045 --> 01:00:50,379
I don't think she's
forgotten one bit of this.

1365
01:00:50,381 --> 01:00:52,047
(audience laughs)

1366
01:00:52,049 --> 01:00:56,051
I don't think she's
forgotten one single inch

1367
01:00:56,053 --> 01:00:58,754
of this abuse from the time
she was in high school,

1368
01:00:58,756 --> 01:01:02,557
all the way up until 10
o'clock this morning.

1369
01:01:03,961 --> 01:01:06,028
I think it's all there.

1370
01:01:06,030 --> 01:01:10,298
And I think that she's
been biding her time.

1371
01:01:10,300 --> 01:01:13,702
My hope, my optimism for this,

1372
01:01:14,371 --> 01:01:18,473
Hillary, if you're
watching this right now,

1373
01:01:18,475 --> 01:01:20,575
I have a feeling
somebody is going to

1374
01:01:20,577 --> 01:01:22,644
slip you a tape of this.

1375
01:01:24,248 --> 01:01:27,149
I just want to
tell you something.

1376
01:01:27,151 --> 01:01:29,851
I know you've been
waiting, and waiting,

1377
01:01:29,853 --> 01:01:34,156
and waiting, and waiting.

1378
01:01:34,158 --> 01:01:35,957
But you're not alone.

1379
01:01:37,194 --> 01:01:39,661
A whole bunch of the rest
of us have been waiting

1380
01:01:39,663 --> 01:01:43,932
for that glorious moment
when the other gender,

1381
01:01:43,934 --> 01:01:48,704
the majority gender, has a
chance to run this world,

1382
01:01:48,706 --> 01:01:53,241
to have real power, and
kick some righteous ass.

1383
01:01:53,243 --> 01:01:55,744
(audience cheers and applauds)

1384
01:01:55,746 --> 01:01:59,548
And we are counting on
you to do this,

1385
01:02:00,417 --> 01:02:02,584
right?

1386
01:02:02,585 --> 01:02:04,752
(audience cheers and applauds)

1387
01:02:12,162 --> 01:02:15,530
I wanna see what that world
looks like, don't you?

1388
01:02:15,532 --> 01:02:18,467
(audience cheers)

1389
01:02:18,469 --> 01:02:20,569
Where she's just gonna
go in there and says,

1390
01:02:20,571 --> 01:02:22,738
"Enough of the bullshit."

1391
01:02:23,574 --> 01:02:27,776
Inauguration Day, after
all the inaugural balls,

1392
01:02:27,778 --> 01:02:31,313
they pull up to the White
House, her and Bill to go in.

1393
01:02:31,315 --> 01:02:33,048
She says, "No Bill,
no, no, no, no.

1394
01:02:33,050 --> 01:02:35,717
"You're staying at Blair House.

1395
01:02:35,719 --> 01:02:37,986
"I'm gonna go in here
and run the country

1396
01:02:37,988 --> 01:02:40,722
"the way it should've been run."

1397
01:02:41,725 --> 01:02:43,425
And then she goes in there
and she just starts signing

1398
01:02:43,427 --> 01:02:45,627
one Executive Order
after another.

1399
01:02:45,629 --> 01:02:47,395
Her first 100 days, right?

1400
01:02:47,397 --> 01:02:48,797
Like FDR,

1401
01:02:48,799 --> 01:02:50,165
like doesn't need Congress,

1402
01:02:50,167 --> 01:02:51,666
just start signing
Executive Orders.

1403
01:02:51,668 --> 01:02:53,502
Immigrants, you stay.

1404
01:02:53,504 --> 01:02:54,402
Signed.

1405
01:02:54,404 --> 01:02:58,039
Flint, Michigan, new water
pipes for you, signed.

1406
01:02:58,041 --> 01:03:00,809
(audience applauds)

1407
01:03:00,811 --> 01:03:02,244
Food and Drug Administration,

1408
01:03:02,246 --> 01:03:06,047
high fructose corn
syrup banned, signed.

1409
01:03:06,049 --> 01:03:08,283
(audience applauds)

1410
01:03:08,285 --> 01:03:12,621
Prisons, release all
non-violent drug offenders now.

1411
01:03:12,623 --> 01:03:14,256
Signed.

1412
01:03:14,258 --> 01:03:17,325
(audience applauds)

1413
01:03:19,730 --> 01:03:23,265
Justice Department,
prosecute all police

1414
01:03:23,267 --> 01:03:27,936
who kill unarmed
black men now, signed!

1415
01:03:27,938 --> 01:03:30,872
(audience applauds)

1416
01:03:30,874 --> 01:03:32,607
Well that's my hope.

1417
01:03:33,811 --> 01:03:37,145
And after that, after she
signs these Executive Orders,

1418
01:03:37,147 --> 01:03:39,314
then she puts on those
shit-kicking boots

1419
01:03:39,316 --> 01:03:43,185
that Beyonce wore on the
football field,

1420
01:03:43,187 --> 01:03:45,554
and she goes up to Capitol
Hill, and she says,

1421
01:03:45,556 --> 01:03:48,056
"Okay, I'm here to
end the gridlock.

1422
01:03:48,058 --> 01:03:49,124
"No kumbaya.

1423
01:03:51,228 --> 01:03:53,361
"Who's up for it?"

1424
01:03:53,363 --> 01:03:55,931
Because the average American
believes in fairness.

1425
01:03:55,933 --> 01:03:57,833
They believe women should
be paid the same as men.

1426
01:03:57,835 --> 01:03:59,201
They want to drink clean water,

1427
01:03:59,203 --> 01:04:01,436
they want to breathe clean air,

1428
01:04:01,438 --> 01:04:05,574
the majority of Americans do
believe in climate change.

1429
01:04:05,576 --> 01:04:07,509
And if these guys aren't
gonna do their job,

1430
01:04:07,511 --> 01:04:10,478
she'll make them do the job.

1431
01:04:10,480 --> 01:04:13,181
And she can be our Pope Francis,

1432
01:04:13,183 --> 01:04:15,350
maybe, right?

1433
01:04:16,186 --> 01:04:19,054
But here's what I, this
is, I want to say this

1434
01:04:19,056 --> 01:04:21,723
just to close out, because

1435
01:04:21,725 --> 01:04:25,961
I think that this
isn't gonna happen

1436
01:04:25,963 --> 01:04:27,462
if we leave her on her own again

1437
01:04:27,464 --> 01:04:32,467
the way we abandoned her back
during the healthcare days.

1438
01:04:32,469 --> 01:04:35,270
She's gonna need a
revolution behind her,

1439
01:04:35,272 --> 01:04:36,905
the Bernie revolution.

1440
01:04:36,907 --> 01:04:38,473
That's what Bernie
says, November 9th,

1441
01:04:38,475 --> 01:04:40,508
the day after the
election, right?

1442
01:04:40,510 --> 01:04:44,913
It's our responsibility
to hold her to her word,

1443
01:04:44,915 --> 01:04:47,482
but also when she
does follow through

1444
01:04:47,484 --> 01:04:50,952
to be there to support
her, and get behind her.

1445
01:04:50,954 --> 01:04:54,556
And let me say this,
if for some reason

1446
01:04:55,726 --> 01:04:59,895
she goes back on her word,
she doesn't do these things,

1447
01:04:59,897 --> 01:05:02,297
and after two years of this,

1448
01:05:02,299 --> 01:05:04,633
she hasn't done what
she said she's gonna do,

1449
01:05:04,635 --> 01:05:10,305
I am here tonight in Wilmington,
Ohio to announce to you

1450
01:05:10,307 --> 01:05:14,609
my candidacy for president
of the United States in 2020!

1451
01:05:14,611 --> 01:05:17,345
(audience applauds)
(grand music)

1452
01:05:17,347 --> 01:05:18,613
I will run!

1453
01:05:18,615 --> 01:05:19,581
I will run!

1454
01:05:21,818 --> 01:05:24,986
I know Kanye has already
said he's gonna run,

1455
01:05:24,988 --> 01:05:28,223
I'll run with Kanye and
Kanye can run with me.

1456
01:05:28,225 --> 01:05:32,294
I will run for President
of the United States!

1457
01:05:32,296 --> 01:05:35,897
And ladies and gentlemen,
ladies and gentlemen,

1458
01:05:35,899 --> 01:05:38,533
let me tell you
what I'm going to do

1459
01:05:38,535 --> 01:05:41,469
if you elect me
president in 2020.

1460
01:05:41,471 --> 01:05:45,707
Number one, there will be one
charge cord for all devices,

1461
01:05:46,910 --> 01:05:51,146
your phone, your tablet, your
computer, one charge cord.

1462
01:05:52,649 --> 01:05:56,818
If you elect me president,
free HBO for all Americans!

1463
01:05:56,820 --> 01:06:00,689
(audience applauds)
Yes!

1464
01:06:00,691 --> 01:06:03,658
I will save the
US Postal Service

1465
01:06:03,660 --> 01:06:07,829
by having every mailman
and mailwoman, on Friday,

1466
01:06:07,831 --> 01:06:11,633
deliver one gram of
weed to your mailbox,

1467
01:06:11,635 --> 01:06:13,802
everybody, everybody!

1468
01:06:13,804 --> 01:06:15,787
(audience applauds)

1469
01:06:15,788 --> 01:06:17,771
For the weekend, two joints,

1470
01:06:17,774 --> 01:06:20,475
two joints for all
Americans every weekend!

1471
01:06:20,477 --> 01:06:22,877
It will be a better weekend.

1472
01:06:25,048 --> 01:06:26,281
When I'm president,

1473
01:06:26,283 --> 01:06:29,985
only women will be able
to buy and own guns.

1474
01:06:29,987 --> 01:06:31,619
(audience applauds)

1475
01:06:31,621 --> 01:06:33,388
I will bring down
the murder rate

1476
01:06:33,390 --> 01:06:36,091
significantly with this plan.

1477
01:06:36,093 --> 01:06:38,159
In case we need to go to war,

1478
01:06:38,161 --> 01:06:40,996
the first people on the
ship over to the war

1479
01:06:40,998 --> 01:06:43,765
will be the
offspring of the CEOs

1480
01:06:43,767 --> 01:06:47,836
and the members of Congress,
they will go first.

1481
01:06:49,506 --> 01:06:53,108
When I'm president,
corporations will not be people.

1482
01:06:53,110 --> 01:06:55,610
(audience applauds)

1483
01:06:55,612 --> 01:06:58,913
We're gonna have a new national
anthem, one we can sing,

1484
01:06:58,915 --> 01:07:02,951
and one that doesn't have
a racist third verse.

1485
01:07:02,953 --> 01:07:04,853
Our new national anthem will be

1486
01:07:04,855 --> 01:07:07,756
We Are the Champions
of the World.

1487
01:07:09,426 --> 01:07:12,093
We're gonna have new enemies,

1488
01:07:12,095 --> 01:07:15,330
no more of this North
Korean and Iran shit.

1489
01:07:15,332 --> 01:07:18,700
Our new enemies will be
Monsanto and Wells Fargo.

1490
01:07:18,702 --> 01:07:21,770
(audience applauds)

1491
01:07:23,840 --> 01:07:27,575
And finally, during my four
years in the White House,

1492
01:07:27,577 --> 01:07:29,878
there will be free banana splits

1493
01:07:29,880 --> 01:07:32,280
for every American on
the Fourth of July,

1494
01:07:32,282 --> 01:07:34,449
sent to you from
Wilmington, Ohio.

1495
01:07:34,451 --> 01:07:37,719
Everybody's gonna work,
everybody's gonna work here.

1496
01:07:37,721 --> 01:07:40,422
(audience applauds)

1497
01:07:40,424 --> 01:07:42,157
And let me tell you,

1498
01:07:43,660 --> 01:07:44,893
as we close,

1499
01:07:44,895 --> 01:07:47,595
I just want to say a
word again about Hillary

1500
01:07:47,597 --> 01:07:50,799
and you still don't like
her, you still hate her.

1501
01:07:50,801 --> 01:07:53,435
You don't wanna vote for her.

1502
01:07:53,437 --> 01:07:56,638
Let me just say this
to you very sincerely.

1503
01:07:56,640 --> 01:07:59,607
I'm gonna ask you to make a
sacrifice for your country.

1504
01:07:59,609 --> 01:08:02,077
And I'm not gonna ask
you to stop hating her.

1505
01:08:02,079 --> 01:08:05,713
If you want to hate her, just
keep hating her, all right?

1506
01:08:05,715 --> 01:08:08,116
I don't want to try and
convince you any more of this.

1507
01:08:08,118 --> 01:08:09,651
If you hate her, hate her.

1508
01:08:09,653 --> 01:08:12,821
I want you to get up on
Election Day on November 8th,

1509
01:08:12,823 --> 01:08:13,955
and I want you to
wake up out of your

1510
01:08:13,957 --> 01:08:16,057
Hillary nightmare dream.

1511
01:08:16,059 --> 01:08:17,292
I want you to get in the shower

1512
01:08:17,294 --> 01:08:19,761
and have a real
hate Hillary shower.

1513
01:08:19,763 --> 01:08:22,330
Suds yourself up,
rinse and repeat.

1514
01:08:22,332 --> 01:08:23,731
Then get in the car

1515
01:08:23,733 --> 01:08:25,366
and drive with all
the road rage you can.

1516
01:08:25,368 --> 01:08:27,302
"Oh, I hate Hillary!

1517
01:08:27,304 --> 01:08:29,237
"I hate her so much!"

1518
01:08:29,239 --> 01:08:31,206
And I want you to
drive to the polls,

1519
01:08:31,208 --> 01:08:33,408
I want you to
drive to the polls.

1520
01:08:33,409 --> 01:08:35,609
Get out of the car, walk in
there, go in the voting booth,

1521
01:08:35,612 --> 01:08:37,078
and you're gonna see
her name on the ballot

1522
01:08:37,080 --> 01:08:40,748
and you're gonna go,
"Mother fucking Hillary!

1523
01:08:40,750 --> 01:08:42,217
"No way!"

1524
01:08:42,219 --> 01:08:45,787
But yes way, way because
America needs you.

1525
01:08:45,789 --> 01:08:48,656
You're gonna do this for
your country, all right?

1526
01:08:48,658 --> 01:08:50,091
Keep hating her, though.

1527
01:08:50,093 --> 01:08:51,926
Keep hating her all you want.

1528
01:08:51,928 --> 01:08:53,428
But just pick up that pen.

1529
01:08:53,430 --> 01:08:54,429
Pick up that pen.

1530
01:08:54,431 --> 01:08:55,697
You might need the other hand.

1531
01:08:55,699 --> 01:08:57,065
Hold it down, hold your arm,

1532
01:08:57,067 --> 01:08:59,100
"No, I can't I hate her!"

1533
01:08:59,102 --> 01:09:00,702
Yes, I know.

1534
01:09:00,704 --> 01:09:04,405
(screams) "No, don't
make me Mike, no!

1535
01:09:04,407 --> 01:09:05,306
"No, yes!"

1536
01:09:05,308 --> 01:09:06,307
Do it!

1537
01:09:06,309 --> 01:09:07,842
Boom.

1538
01:09:07,844 --> 01:09:10,912
"Oh, I feel so awful.

1539
01:09:10,914 --> 01:09:14,182
"I voted for Hillary Clinton."

1540
01:09:14,184 --> 01:09:17,418
That's okay, feel
awful, you should.

1541
01:09:17,420 --> 01:09:19,888
Go home, keep
hating all you want,

1542
01:09:19,890 --> 01:09:22,223
but you've done something
good for this country.

1543
01:09:22,225 --> 01:09:24,025
And on that night, at 11pm,

1544
01:09:24,027 --> 01:09:26,461
when the poll results come in

1545
01:09:26,463 --> 01:09:27,795
and we find out
that we've elected

1546
01:09:27,797 --> 01:09:30,565
the first woman president
of the United States,

1547
01:09:30,567 --> 01:09:33,034
we are all gonna
rejoice, aren't we folks?

1548
01:09:33,036 --> 01:09:34,636
(audience applauds)

1549
01:09:34,638 --> 01:09:37,672
We are all gonna
have a big party.

1550
01:09:37,674 --> 01:09:38,740
A big party.

1551
01:09:39,776 --> 01:09:41,442
And we're gonna celebrate.

1552
01:09:41,444 --> 01:09:45,613
We're gonna go and dig up Vince
Foster and kill him again!

1553
01:09:45,615 --> 01:09:47,715
Thank you everybody, good night!

1554
01:09:47,717 --> 01:09:50,919
(audience applauds)

1555
01:09:50,921 --> 01:09:54,122
Thank you, thank you!

1556
01:09:54,124 --> 01:09:58,159
(grand orchestral music)

1557
01:09:58,161 --> 01:09:59,060
Go vote!

1558
01:10:00,764 --> 01:10:02,997
Go vote, Ohio!

1559
01:10:03,767 --> 01:10:04,866
Trumpland!

1560
01:10:04,868 --> 01:10:08,336
(grand orchestral music)

1561
01:10:09,139 --> 01:10:10,805
Thank you everyone!

1562
01:10:10,807 --> 01:10:13,208
(grand orchestral music)

1563
01:10:13,210 --> 01:10:15,843
(audience applauds)

1564
01:10:15,845 --> 01:10:19,347
(grand orchestral music)

1565
01:10:30,026 --> 01:10:32,927
Mexicans up there,
don't forget to pay!

1566
01:10:32,929 --> 01:10:36,130
When you leave the wall, you
have to pay for that wall.