1 00:00:40,737 --> 00:00:43,297 (overlapping voices) 2 00:00:44,307 --> 00:00:46,935 (woman) Stand by, lights, forcue one. 3 00:00:47,010 --> 00:00:51,777 (man) Welcome to "The Tom Dobbs Show." Please have yourtickets ready forthe ushers. 4 00:00:51,848 --> 00:00:54,442 (overlapping voices continue) 5 00:00:58,287 --> 00:01:01,654 Please turn off all cell phones and pagers. 6 00:01:01,723 --> 00:01:05,591 Take your seats, please. Tom Dobbs will speak to you before the show. 7 00:01:05,661 --> 00:01:10,462 (man) This story might fall underthe heading of "one thing leads to another." 8 00:01:10,532 --> 00:01:13,797 It started on August 20th. 9 00:01:13,869 --> 00:01:20,536 At 7 p.m. Tom Dobbs, who had a successful cable show featuring political comedy, 10 00:01:20,609 --> 00:01:25,637 was talking to the audience during the warm-up routine prior to the taping of his show. 11 00:01:25,714 --> 00:01:30,378 Thanks for coming. This isn't the actual show. The cameras are pointing at nothing 12 00:01:30,452 --> 00:01:32,477 and some critics have said that too. 13 00:01:32,554 --> 00:01:37,287 But I'm just here to talk to you, warm up the audience, a little bit of foreplay. 14 00:01:37,359 --> 00:01:39,520 - Sorry. - (laughter) 15 00:01:39,594 --> 00:01:41,585 I'll back up now for harassment reasons. 16 00:01:41,663 --> 00:01:46,930 The government said recently... Well, a lot of people said that we're cutting back spending. 17 00:01:47,002 --> 00:01:50,267 But NASA actually spent $28 million 18 00:01:50,339 --> 00:01:53,968 to develop a fountain pen to write upside down in space in zero gravity. 19 00:01:54,042 --> 00:01:56,602 The Russians solved the same problem 20 00:01:56,678 --> 00:01:59,010 (Russian accent) with five-cent pencil. 21 00:02:00,215 --> 00:02:05,414 Very easy, writes upside down, zero gravity. After two cases of vodka, still writing. 22 00:02:06,254 --> 00:02:10,418 If you have the GPS, be very careful. I bought a Mercedes recently with the talking GPS. 23 00:02:10,492 --> 00:02:15,896 "Up ahead, take a right." I opened the door and the car went, "Are you Jewish?" 24 00:02:15,964 --> 00:02:19,127 But soon all of your appliances will talk to each other. 25 00:02:20,168 --> 00:02:24,662 You'll get on the scale and the scale will go, "Psst! I've talked to the microwave." 26 00:02:24,740 --> 00:02:26,264 (laughter) 27 00:02:26,341 --> 00:02:31,210 I notice many of you with little cell phones. Soon they'll get so small they'lljust be inside... 28 00:02:31,279 --> 00:02:34,009 Hold on, I got a call. Hello. 29 00:02:34,082 --> 00:02:37,779 - No, I'll make it louder. Hold on. - (laughter) 30 00:02:37,853 --> 00:02:40,822 Wait a minute, I'm taking a picture. 31 00:02:40,889 --> 00:02:43,790 Oh, wait. I got mail. 32 00:02:45,594 --> 00:02:49,428 It was during a Q and A that a woman made a statement. 33 00:02:49,898 --> 00:02:51,661 - Yes, ma'am. - Hi. 34 00:02:51,733 --> 00:02:57,568 I feel so frustrated with the political system and my friends say the same thing all the time. 35 00:02:57,638 --> 00:03:00,198 Maybe you should run for President. 36 00:03:03,411 --> 00:03:05,402 (laughs) 37 00:03:06,180 --> 00:03:10,674 The comment was quickly forgotten and minutes later the show got under way. 38 00:03:10,751 --> 00:03:15,381 Senator, I think the public is pretty frustrated with the polarization of the parties 39 00:03:15,456 --> 00:03:17,447 and lack of accountability. 40 00:03:17,525 --> 00:03:20,551 It's crazy. A woman tonight said I should run for President. 41 00:03:20,628 --> 00:03:22,289 (cheering) 42 00:03:26,534 --> 00:03:27,523 Maybe I should. 43 00:03:27,601 --> 00:03:33,631 Within three hours there were four million emails endorsing Dobbs for President. 44 00:03:33,707 --> 00:03:37,541 Overthe course of the next week, Dobbs mentioned this four more times. 45 00:03:37,611 --> 00:03:39,670 The internet was on fire. 46 00:03:39,747 --> 00:03:41,908 Over eight million emails. 47 00:03:41,982 --> 00:03:45,474 It was a grass-roots movement fueled by the power of the internet 48 00:03:45,553 --> 00:03:47,748 and the cult of personality. 49 00:03:47,822 --> 00:03:51,189 (woman) Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for your patience. 50 00:03:51,258 --> 00:03:54,625 We have a great show for you tonight, so without any further ado... 51 00:03:54,695 --> 00:03:59,132 (man) On September 2nd something very, very unusual happens. 52 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:04,365 Tomorrow I will officially announce my candidacy for President of the United States. 53 00:04:06,574 --> 00:04:10,408 Did you write that? Where's the punch line? 54 00:04:10,478 --> 00:04:14,471 Maybe it was sheer vanity, maybe it was a political stunt, 55 00:04:14,548 --> 00:04:19,144 or maybe it was because Tom believed his audience demanded it. Who knows? 56 00:04:20,554 --> 00:04:23,990 As Tom Dobbs'manager I was as shocked as everyone around me 57 00:04:24,058 --> 00:04:25,923 and I wasn't exactly pleased. 58 00:04:25,993 --> 00:04:27,984 Does this mean I'm out of a job? 59 00:04:28,062 --> 00:04:32,556 Shortly thereafter, Tom Dobbs was on the ballot in 13 states. 60 00:04:32,633 --> 00:04:36,967 That was part one of the unusual progression of events. 61 00:04:37,037 --> 00:04:40,996 On the West Coast the second domino toppled over. 62 00:04:41,075 --> 00:04:42,838 (TV) Voterconfusion... 63 00:04:42,910 --> 00:04:45,174 Endless recounts... 64 00:04:45,246 --> 00:04:48,043 Unreliable results... 65 00:04:48,114 --> 00:04:50,844 Democracy held hostage. 66 00:04:51,784 --> 00:04:56,687 In today's AMerica, technology empowers the public in nearly everything they do. 67 00:04:56,756 --> 00:04:59,816 And now, voting with confidence. 68 00:04:59,893 --> 00:05:03,488 Introducing the Delacroy voting system. 69 00:05:03,563 --> 00:05:07,966 Congress decided that Delacroy Systems would have the national franchise 70 00:05:08,034 --> 00:05:11,435 for computerized voting in the coming presidential election. 71 00:05:11,504 --> 00:05:14,871 In hindsight, not one of their better decisions. 72 00:05:14,941 --> 00:05:19,002 Forease of voting, speed and accuracy of vote. 73 00:05:19,078 --> 00:05:22,514 It eliminates long lines and confusion at the polls. 74 00:05:22,582 --> 00:05:26,177 (man) It was of course a majorcoup forthis Silicon Valley-based company. 75 00:05:26,252 --> 00:05:29,085 When the dubbed versions come in I need to see the contracts. 76 00:05:29,155 --> 00:05:31,214 Delacroy. 77 00:05:31,291 --> 00:05:37,025 As C.E.O. Of Delacroy, James Hemmings lovingly watched his stock rise. 78 00:05:37,096 --> 00:05:41,089 In the bowels of the building, something else was about to take place. 79 00:05:43,903 --> 00:05:47,270 I got the ballot from San Mateo so I thought I'd run my own election 80 00:05:47,340 --> 00:05:50,867 with the referendums, propositions and just add the candidates' names. 81 00:05:50,944 --> 00:05:52,070 Why? 82 00:05:52,145 --> 00:05:56,775 We've never run a configuration like this ballot, so I thought I'd give it a test drive. 83 00:05:56,849 --> 00:05:59,647 Oh, God. I think I burned my lip. 84 00:05:59,719 --> 00:06:02,586 It's like democracy on the head of a microchip. 85 00:06:02,655 --> 00:06:07,888 Yes, but no matter how you slice it, it's what you're voting for and not how easy it is to vote. 86 00:06:07,961 --> 00:06:10,259 Whether she was being diligent in her work, 87 00:06:10,330 --> 00:06:15,893 whether she was obsessive-compulsive, or whether she didn't have a personal life, who knows? 88 00:06:15,969 --> 00:06:19,871 But late that night she found something that seemed very wrong. 89 00:06:19,939 --> 00:06:25,900 Mills, I voted for you three times as much as I voted for President Kellogg. 90 00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:30,347 Why did the President win? 91 00:06:30,416 --> 00:06:35,285 Like a good, dedicated employee, she sent an email to C.E.O. James Hemmings. 92 00:06:35,355 --> 00:06:37,846 She wrote that something was wrong. 93 00:06:37,924 --> 00:06:43,953 She used phrases like "a glitch in the system," "compatibility problem," things like that. 94 00:06:45,030 --> 00:06:46,998 Hemmings read the email 95 00:06:47,065 --> 00:06:51,968 and reacted as a C.E.O. Whose stock fortune was wrapped up in his newest enterprise. 96 00:06:52,037 --> 00:06:55,438 If there really was a problem it was too late to correct it, 97 00:06:55,507 --> 00:07:00,137 so he ignored the memo and hoped the problem would go away. 98 00:07:17,796 --> 00:07:22,927 (Tom) I've read a lot of Op-Ed pieces recently saying that Tom Dobbs doesn't talk about the issues. 99 00:07:23,001 --> 00:07:25,902 All right. I will address the issue. 100 00:07:25,971 --> 00:07:30,670 The issue revolves around representation. The people of America are not being represented. 101 00:07:30,742 --> 00:07:35,543 Our political leaders are too indebted to special-interest groups and party politics. 102 00:07:35,614 --> 00:07:37,605 This country was founded on the principle 103 00:07:37,683 --> 00:07:41,312 of government of the people, by the people, for the people. 104 00:07:41,386 --> 00:07:44,287 We are the wealthiest nation in the history of the world, 105 00:07:44,356 --> 00:07:47,120 we are the most powerful nation on this planet, 106 00:07:47,192 --> 00:07:49,854 and yet we can't educate our own children. 107 00:07:49,928 --> 00:07:54,194 - Thought that went pretty well. - Lincoln got more laughs at the Gettysburg Address. 108 00:07:54,266 --> 00:07:55,358 Don't start. 109 00:07:55,434 --> 00:07:59,427 Everybody Loves Raymond is doing huge numbers in reruns. 110 00:07:59,504 --> 00:08:02,940 - Comedy sells. Can we remember that? - I don't want to get into this. 111 00:08:03,008 --> 00:08:07,411 I don't care what you say, but say it with humor. These crowds expect it. 112 00:08:07,479 --> 00:08:10,778 You give speech after speech, nothing's funny. 113 00:08:10,849 --> 00:08:13,818 - They'll get funny when I'm back on the show. - It's too dry. 114 00:08:13,885 --> 00:08:16,046 I came on the campaign to talk about issues. 115 00:08:16,121 --> 00:08:19,022 There's no pop, zing. There's no oomph. 116 00:08:19,091 --> 00:08:21,821 Remember the motto "It's no joke?" It's no joke! 117 00:08:21,893 --> 00:08:24,418 Tom, can't you do just two jokes of mine? 118 00:08:24,496 --> 00:08:30,298 You're a comedian who talks about politics. So when you talk about politics without the comedy, 119 00:08:30,368 --> 00:08:34,828 it's like wanting to get laid and forgetting to bring along the woman. 120 00:08:34,906 --> 00:08:37,339 You'll quickly discover something is missing. 121 00:08:37,408 --> 00:08:41,242 We should have politicians who represent us and not special-interest groups. 122 00:08:41,312 --> 00:08:44,941 Whenever they want to distract you they use weapons of mass distraction - 123 00:08:45,015 --> 00:08:49,577 they bring up a constitutional amendment to ban burning of the flag. 124 00:08:49,653 --> 00:08:52,349 By spending time in Congress talking about that, 125 00:08:52,423 --> 00:08:55,256 you deny otherthings - education, environmental issues... 126 00:08:55,326 --> 00:08:59,262 I'm here to talk tonight about political commercials. 127 00:08:59,330 --> 00:09:02,527 That's where most of the money goes in any political campaign. 128 00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:06,900 Politicians have to spend so much money just to buy TV time. 129 00:09:06,971 --> 00:09:10,463 This is where the special-interest groups start. 130 00:09:10,541 --> 00:09:13,476 When you have a political campaign that costs $200 million, 131 00:09:13,544 --> 00:09:16,308 you owe someone something somewhere down the line. 132 00:09:16,380 --> 00:09:19,440 That's why I refuse to run television commercials. 133 00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:23,248 Just be entertaining. Look at it this way. Who would you rather have dinner with: 134 00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:27,416 Richard Pryor in his prime, or Kofi Annan, the head of the U. N? 135 00:09:27,491 --> 00:09:30,016 Tell me which dinner is gonna be more interesting. 136 00:09:30,094 --> 00:09:32,221 If there's no candles, Richard. 137 00:09:32,296 --> 00:09:34,958 But I'd like to be with Kofi just to say, "Coffee, Kofi?" 138 00:09:35,032 --> 00:09:37,557 "What? Coffee, Kofi? Kofi, coffee?" 139 00:09:37,635 --> 00:09:41,696 (~ "Political World"by Bob Dylan) 140 00:09:47,244 --> 00:09:50,077 He's in the debate? 141 00:09:51,315 --> 00:09:52,782 He's in the debate! 142 00:09:52,850 --> 00:09:55,785 - Tom Dobbs is gonna be in the debate! - What? 143 00:09:55,853 --> 00:10:00,347 They're gonna let him participate in the debate. Have we struck gold or what! 144 00:10:00,424 --> 00:10:02,415 - Oh, my God! - We'll have to start writing. 145 00:10:02,493 --> 00:10:05,587 We can write it, but is he gonna do any of it? 146 00:10:05,663 --> 00:10:10,657 - Praise the internet! - 16 million emails spoke loud and clear! 147 00:10:10,734 --> 00:10:13,635 (~ "Political World") 148 00:10:21,545 --> 00:10:24,844 The following is a quote from ourdebate advisory standards; 149 00:10:24,915 --> 00:10:29,784 "All candidates who demonstrate seriousness of purpose and significant support 150 00:10:29,854 --> 00:10:32,321 "going into the final 30 days of an election 151 00:10:32,388 --> 00:10:34,913 "should be included in debates." Unquote. 152 00:10:35,091 --> 00:10:37,082 Yes! 153 00:10:40,897 --> 00:10:46,096 Well, I fully agree with the debate committee's inclusion of Tom Dobbs. 154 00:10:46,169 --> 00:10:52,506 He's by farthe strongest of the independents and I'm very much looking forward to the debate. 155 00:10:52,575 --> 00:10:56,443 I'm more than confident of my decisions, my positions, 156 00:10:56,512 --> 00:10:58,878 and my relationship with the voting public. 157 00:10:58,948 --> 00:11:00,939 And my hair. 158 00:11:01,751 --> 00:11:02,740 Oh... 159 00:11:02,819 --> 00:11:06,585 I think the first thing you gotta do is say you have unconfirmed information 160 00:11:06,656 --> 00:11:10,649 that the other candidates have had sex with farm animals. 161 00:11:10,727 --> 00:11:12,718 It goes back to the Johnson thing. 162 00:11:12,795 --> 00:11:19,894 President Johnson said he wanted to accuse his opponents of having sex with animals. OK? 163 00:11:19,969 --> 00:11:22,028 His staffer said, "How can you prove that?" 164 00:11:22,105 --> 00:11:25,563 He said, "I can't, but I wanna hear them deny it." 165 00:11:25,642 --> 00:11:29,635 - Seriousness of purpose. - The debate is gonna be a night full of pomposity. 166 00:11:29,712 --> 00:11:34,479 The air will be full of bullshit. They'll be thanking everyone, do all those niceties. 167 00:11:34,550 --> 00:11:38,111 They'll thank their wives, children, all their campaign supporters. 168 00:11:38,187 --> 00:11:42,453 This is our night to shine, Tom. This is the opportunity of a lifetime. 169 00:11:42,525 --> 00:11:47,326 It's like the comic who gets to play Carnegie Hall but shows up and plays the violin. 170 00:11:47,397 --> 00:11:49,922 It's not what they go to see. 171 00:11:49,999 --> 00:11:52,229 How many analogies do you have left? 172 00:11:52,302 --> 00:11:57,103 - How many does it take to make my point? - (laughter) 173 00:11:57,173 --> 00:11:58,470 I didn't mean to yell. 174 00:12:13,523 --> 00:12:17,926 You gotta cut loose. In this debate, get your show attitude in there. 175 00:12:17,994 --> 00:12:19,962 Yeah, but may I reiterate? 176 00:12:20,029 --> 00:12:22,691 They got me in because of my seriousness of purpose. 177 00:12:22,765 --> 00:12:25,790 - That's why we're in this debate. - Serious talk puts us to sleep. 178 00:12:25,867 --> 00:12:29,633 You wanna talk about a serious issue, nowadays people tune out. 179 00:12:29,705 --> 00:12:33,573 Wait a second. Do you think anybody remembers the issues? 180 00:12:33,642 --> 00:12:35,633 When there's a debate... 181 00:12:35,711 --> 00:12:39,545 When was the last time any human being, any American, watched the debate and went: 182 00:12:39,614 --> 00:12:43,482 - "Oh, God! Did you hear what he said?" - "I believe he talked about fiscal policy." 183 00:12:43,552 --> 00:12:46,282 "Oh, my God! My eyes are open and I can hear again!" 184 00:12:46,355 --> 00:12:50,223 All they remember is Nixon sweating like Elizabeth Taylor after a Mexican meal. 185 00:12:50,292 --> 00:12:52,157 - That's not good. - (laughter) 186 00:12:52,227 --> 00:12:57,995 I'm begging you, please. I'm like a man without water. An acerbic comment, would it kill you? 187 00:12:58,066 --> 00:13:01,866 More and more people are watching your show, Jon Stewart, Bill Maher for news. 188 00:13:01,937 --> 00:13:04,929 News from comedians. How crazy is that? 189 00:13:05,007 --> 00:13:08,272 Let's move on. Alison, Jenny, your thoughts. 190 00:13:08,343 --> 00:13:13,212 I hope this doesn't sound silly, but the other two candidates are family men. 191 00:13:13,281 --> 00:13:19,481 OK? And, Tom, with all due respect, how are you gonna come off as family-friendly? 192 00:13:19,554 --> 00:13:23,820 - Well, I could hold my mother's ashes. - (laughter) 193 00:13:23,892 --> 00:13:27,953 I know, we'd lose a certain amount of people there. But Chicago, the dead vote. 194 00:13:28,030 --> 00:13:33,525 She's right, Tom. As soon as the program starts and we see the candidates' wives in their red suits... 195 00:13:33,602 --> 00:13:35,934 You mean I have to get married before the debate? 196 00:13:36,004 --> 00:13:40,532 Campaign during the day, date at night. It's like some weird reality show. 197 00:13:40,609 --> 00:13:45,808 It's not a bad idea really, is it? Part West Wing, part Bachelor. Hey, that's not bad. 198 00:13:45,881 --> 00:13:48,748 Here's our first contestant. Your name, please? 199 00:13:48,817 --> 00:13:50,808 Yes, my name is Rachel Tensions. 200 00:13:50,886 --> 00:13:53,320 Yes, indeed, dear. Contestant No.2, your name? 201 00:13:53,388 --> 00:13:55,379 My name is Miss Sogyny. 202 00:13:55,457 --> 00:13:57,823 Yes, I thought he was really hot. 203 00:13:57,893 --> 00:14:01,659 But when I found out about his radical environmental policy, I went, "Mm-mm." 204 00:14:01,730 --> 00:14:04,494 I like a dirty environment, if you know what I mean. 205 00:14:04,566 --> 00:14:08,400 I want a man who's not afraid to go in the wetlands and drill. 206 00:14:08,470 --> 00:14:13,066 Deep drill, you know? Get down in the mud and take it home, daddy. That's how I feel. 207 00:14:13,141 --> 00:14:16,474 It's a piece-of-shit idea that could work. 208 00:14:17,145 --> 00:14:19,010 Yeah, but you're running... 209 00:14:19,081 --> 00:14:22,641 You're running because the people wanted you to run. 210 00:14:22,716 --> 00:14:27,517 Why do you think they wanted you to run? To listen to you talk about issues? Are you kidding me? 211 00:14:27,588 --> 00:14:32,616 - I can barely listen to you talk about issues. - Have I not said this a hundred times? 212 00:14:32,693 --> 00:14:36,561 In Chicago I'm doing the same thing I've been doing. That's how I got here. 213 00:14:36,630 --> 00:14:39,224 I wanna keep doing it because I sense that'll work. 214 00:14:39,300 --> 00:14:41,962 (~ "Hurdy Gurdy Man"by Donovan) 215 00:14:57,051 --> 00:15:00,248 You gotta go to makeup, Tom. 216 00:15:01,489 --> 00:15:03,753 Menken. 217 00:15:29,116 --> 00:15:31,175 - Look at this. - It's like the circus. 218 00:15:31,252 --> 00:15:35,780 - This is nuts. - When I was a kid, I was in the circus. 219 00:15:35,856 --> 00:15:38,416 - No. - Yes. I used to shave elephants. 220 00:15:38,492 --> 00:15:41,427 You started in the tent, you're back in the tent. 221 00:15:41,495 --> 00:15:47,297 I'm not kidding. They grow these big beards. In the wild they rub it on trees. 222 00:15:47,368 --> 00:15:50,098 In the circus you shave them with a blowtorch. 223 00:15:50,171 --> 00:15:54,403 One of those pump things with gasoline. You throw it all over their face. 224 00:15:54,475 --> 00:15:57,171 You gonna have coffee? 225 00:15:57,244 --> 00:16:00,475 - Because I need it to stay awake. - Do you have any green tea? 226 00:16:01,749 --> 00:16:05,685 - How long have you been smoking? - Since I was seven. 227 00:16:07,154 --> 00:16:09,088 Since you were seven. 228 00:16:09,156 --> 00:16:11,181 My father was a big smoker. 229 00:16:11,258 --> 00:16:13,886 While President Kellogg and Senator Mills 230 00:16:13,961 --> 00:16:20,422 have spent approximately $195 million apiece on the campaign for media advertising, 231 00:16:20,500 --> 00:16:22,991 Tom Dobbs has not spent one cent. 232 00:16:23,069 --> 00:16:27,506 He refuses to spend money on media, saying, "Candidates are not products." 234 00:16:27,574 --> 00:16:35,345 Here's the very latest. Dobbs is running at about 17% in the 13 states where he's on the ballot. 235 00:16:35,415 --> 00:16:38,316 - You want a beer or soda? - Soda, please. 236 00:16:38,384 --> 00:16:44,016 ...compared to a network show, he has been extremely influential in some smallercircles. 237 00:16:44,090 --> 00:16:47,150 - We got some clips. Are they ready? - I TiVo all his shows. 238 00:16:47,227 --> 00:16:49,092 Here's some excerpts. 239 00:16:49,162 --> 00:16:53,997 Swedish carmaker Volvo has announced they are replacing air bags in their new sedans 240 00:16:54,067 --> 00:16:56,501 - with breast implants. - (laughter) 241 00:16:56,569 --> 00:17:00,835 The numberof rear-end collisions has increased 95% in Sweden. 242 00:17:00,907 --> 00:17:04,866 A lot of guysjust like to bump theircar and see what happens. 243 00:17:04,944 --> 00:17:07,538 Also Pope Benedict has mechanized the Swiss Guard 244 00:17:07,614 --> 00:17:12,278 and said, "It's my choice. I do it forthe Church and forthe Fatherland." 245 00:17:13,453 --> 00:17:16,684 You know, I didn't mention this at the time when he was chosen Pope. 246 00:17:16,756 --> 00:17:21,159 I was always hoping in my own heart for a Brazilian Pope - Pope Raul- 247 00:17:21,227 --> 00:17:27,166 just so you could have the nuns in the thong and the feathers. (sings) 248 00:17:27,233 --> 00:17:30,396 I was thinking that would bring a lot of people back to the Church. 249 00:17:36,943 --> 00:17:40,208 - You've got really great skin. - Thank you. 250 00:17:41,814 --> 00:17:46,012 - A little bit of a tan. - Thanks. I went to a tanning salon. 251 00:17:46,085 --> 00:17:50,317 I wanted to look like a Kennedy, but I think they set it on George Hamilton. 252 00:17:50,390 --> 00:17:54,292 - George Hamilton. Doesn't he have a grill? - No, that's George Foreman. 253 00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:58,694 You wanna get married? I need a wife before the debate. 254 00:17:58,765 --> 00:18:01,666 - Interested? - Uh... I don't know, Mr. Dobbs. 255 00:18:01,734 --> 00:18:05,329 We could find a nice house on Pennsylvania Avenue, nothing ostentatious. 256 00:18:05,405 --> 00:18:09,966 Helicopter pad in the back, couple of thousand phone lines, staff of 60. Come on. 257 00:18:10,042 --> 00:18:11,737 Are you nervous? 258 00:18:11,810 --> 00:18:15,007 Why else would I propose to a woman I never met before? 259 00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:18,345 - But you have your own TV show. - But on the show I ask the questions. 260 00:18:19,918 --> 00:18:21,408 You've got two minutes, Tom. 261 00:18:59,791 --> 00:19:00,815 Here we go. 262 00:19:00,892 --> 00:19:04,384 Good evening. Welcome to this last presidential debate 263 00:19:04,463 --> 00:19:08,229 between the majorcandidates for President of the United States. 264 00:19:08,300 --> 00:19:12,327 The candidates are; the Democratic nominee, President Kellogg, 265 00:19:12,404 --> 00:19:15,271 the Republican nominee, Senator Mills, 266 00:19:15,340 --> 00:19:21,006 and forthe first time included in tonight's debate, the independent, Tom Dobbs. 267 00:19:21,646 --> 00:19:24,046 My name is Faith Daniels and I'll be the moderator 268 00:19:24,116 --> 00:19:27,142 - fortonight's 90-minute debate which is coming... - Cute. 269 00:19:27,219 --> 00:19:30,484 - Cleavage. Is that legal? - Very cute. 270 00:19:30,555 --> 00:19:36,755 The format has been agreed to by representatives of both the Republican and Democratic campaigns. 271 00:19:36,828 --> 00:19:40,457 There is no subject matterthat's restricted. 272 00:19:40,532 --> 00:19:45,094 As always, each candidate will have up to two minutes to make a closing statement. 273 00:19:45,170 --> 00:19:51,131 The orderof those, as well as the formal questioning tonight, were decided in advance by drawing. 274 00:19:51,209 --> 00:19:55,805 Gentlemen, again, good evening and welcome. Let's begin. 275 00:19:55,881 --> 00:20:01,251 Mr. Dobbs, how would you explain yourdecision to run for President of the United States? 276 00:20:01,319 --> 00:20:05,846 I decided to run because I'm fed up with party politics. 277 00:20:05,923 --> 00:20:09,086 I'm tired of the Republican Party and of the Democratic Party. 278 00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:11,355 - Edgy! - There's no real difference. 279 00:20:11,429 --> 00:20:13,727 - It's a Mr. Potato candidate. - (laughter) 280 00:20:13,798 --> 00:20:19,065 Basically, you have a thing here where, here's the operative word; party. 281 00:20:19,136 --> 00:20:22,003 Behind closed doors, I think theyjust have a good time. 282 00:20:22,072 --> 00:20:26,008 When you read the transcripts, some of the things your Secretary of Defense says, 283 00:20:26,076 --> 00:20:30,103 - I think there must be an open bar somewhere. - (audience laughter) 284 00:20:30,181 --> 00:20:33,912 The bottom line is, they've lost track of what they're responsible for. 285 00:20:33,984 --> 00:20:36,953 They're responsible to the people, not party loyalties - 286 00:20:37,021 --> 00:20:40,184 and definitely not lobbyists. 287 00:20:40,257 --> 00:20:43,124 - That's why I want to run for President. - Not punchy enough. 288 00:20:43,194 --> 00:20:47,893 - You have one minute remaining on yourtime. - Needs a little more flare. 289 00:20:47,965 --> 00:20:53,164 - Can I get a refund? - We will continue. 290 00:20:53,237 --> 00:20:55,762 Senator Mills, I'd like to ask you the same question. 291 00:20:55,840 --> 00:21:01,176 First of all, thank you, Faith. And thank all of you who are responsible for having us here. 292 00:21:01,245 --> 00:21:07,809 I'd also like to thank my wife and children, who have been very supportive of my candidacy. 293 00:21:07,885 --> 00:21:13,949 - This guy smiles so much, it's upsetting me. - I thank all of those who made this possible. 294 00:21:14,024 --> 00:21:18,188 And if I may reiterate some of the comments of Senator Mills 295 00:21:18,262 --> 00:21:22,892 with respect to family, children, wives and immediate family, 296 00:21:22,967 --> 00:21:27,734 and the enormously important role that they play in our failure or success - 297 00:21:27,805 --> 00:21:30,899 and in my case, success; 298 00:21:30,975 --> 00:21:33,876 - my love to them, my love to all of you who... - What?! 299 00:21:33,944 --> 00:21:38,643 - He's talking about his wife and children. - Why's he running on? Who cares? 300 00:21:38,716 --> 00:21:40,206 Thank you so much. 301 00:21:40,784 --> 00:21:46,620 And that's why I have been a very rigorous advocate of tough security measures. 302 00:21:46,690 --> 00:21:49,386 President Kellogg and I think alike in this area. 303 00:21:49,460 --> 00:21:53,055 I am in total agreement, without equivocation, 304 00:21:53,130 --> 00:21:56,827 that security measures have got to remain tough. 305 00:21:56,901 --> 00:21:59,892 - (applause) - Thank you. 306 00:22:01,170 --> 00:22:04,401 Mr. Dobbs, what would your position be on national security? 307 00:22:04,474 --> 00:22:06,101 - Come on. - (Jack) Tom, go for it. 308 00:22:06,175 --> 00:22:08,939 - Do it. - (Tom) Some of these measures are already tough. 309 00:22:09,012 --> 00:22:13,346 If you've ever been through passport control, you stand in line with thousands of people, 310 00:22:13,416 --> 00:22:18,080 eventually you get to an immigration officer who takes your passport. 311 00:22:18,154 --> 00:22:20,952 He looks at your passport picture, looks back at you, 312 00:22:21,024 --> 00:22:24,221 says, "Why did you have your haircut?" "I don't know." 313 00:22:24,294 --> 00:22:29,129 They have a video camera that takes a picture and compares it to your previous picture. 314 00:22:29,198 --> 00:22:31,063 They're very tough about that. They're very skeptical. 315 00:22:31,134 --> 00:22:33,432 - He's got to make his move. - More oomph! 316 00:22:33,503 --> 00:22:37,564 Meanwhile, at the southern borders of ourcountry, four million illegal aliens 317 00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:41,076 are crossing the border with bedroom sets and night tables. 318 00:22:41,144 --> 00:22:44,739 - Hit 'em again! - And we're trying to reenterthe country legally! 319 00:22:44,814 --> 00:22:47,840 They ask you tough questions like, "Where have you been? Why?" 320 00:22:47,917 --> 00:22:51,444 You start to doubt yourself. "I forgot why I was there." 321 00:22:51,521 --> 00:22:57,949 "I guess it was pleasure. It was a vacation. I'm sorry, I took a vacation! I don't know why." 322 00:22:58,995 --> 00:23:01,225 And then... 323 00:23:02,298 --> 00:23:06,200 The next thing you know, they're patting down an 85-year-old lady in a walker. 324 00:23:06,269 --> 00:23:10,501 Listen, if there's an 85-year-old lady in a walker and she'a terrorist, 325 00:23:10,573 --> 00:23:14,009 - basically, game's over, folks. - (laughter) 326 00:23:14,077 --> 00:23:18,241 And when they start to put on that rubberglove and look at me, I'm going, "OK..." 327 00:23:18,314 --> 00:23:21,078 "Maybe we should have dinner first before we do this." 328 00:23:21,150 --> 00:23:25,314 I'm saying let's have real security, notjust the illusion of security... 329 00:23:25,388 --> 00:23:28,551 - Whoa! Yeah! - (Eddie) Oh, yeah! All right! 330 00:23:28,625 --> 00:23:29,785 Oh! 331 00:23:29,859 --> 00:23:35,991 - I... fully support hydrogen cars. - (Tom) But you're backed by oil companies. 332 00:23:36,065 --> 00:23:38,158 - You'll have yourturn, Mr. Dobbs. - Sorry. 333 00:23:38,234 --> 00:23:44,639 Some of my colleagues and I in the Senate have come up with an interesting strategy... 334 00:23:44,707 --> 00:23:48,302 If you're in bed with oil companies, you can't talk about fuel efficiency. 335 00:23:48,378 --> 00:23:51,438 - It's like being a kosher pig farmer. - He's getting angry. 336 00:23:51,514 --> 00:23:55,108 - This is not yourtalk show. - And you're not on your private plane, 337 00:23:55,183 --> 00:23:59,279 flying to the golf vacation you took with the heads of the majoroil corporations. 338 00:23:59,354 --> 00:24:02,517 - Wow. - It's like something I never saw before. 339 00:24:02,591 --> 00:24:06,755 Ordid you fly in in that lovely helium plane? Oh, that's a blimp, I'm sorry. 340 00:24:06,828 --> 00:24:09,524 No smoking in the hydrogen... Boom! Hindenburg! 341 00:24:09,598 --> 00:24:12,829 - Mr. Dobbs, please. - Of course he's for hydrogen. 342 00:24:12,901 --> 00:24:17,065 It'll take 30 years to develop. Meanwhile, we haven't got any more fuel efficiency. 343 00:24:17,139 --> 00:24:22,941 We're not exploring alternative fuels like methane - it's hard to hold that chicken overthe gas tank. 344 00:24:23,011 --> 00:24:27,175 - Orethanol, which is basically fuel alcohol. - (Faith) Mr. Dobbs... 345 00:24:27,249 --> 00:24:31,686 If you get stopped by the police, say, "My car's been drinking, not me!" 346 00:24:31,753 --> 00:24:36,315 - Or maybe helium, 'cause if you have a helium car... - (applause) 347 00:24:36,391 --> 00:24:41,124 If you have a helium car and you get rear-ended... (squeaky voice) "Hey, something's wrong!" 348 00:24:41,196 --> 00:24:45,132 - (audience laughter) - (Faith) You have got to return to your podium. 349 00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:49,364 - (Kellogg) Can we get some order here? - You talk about responsibility! 350 00:24:49,438 --> 00:24:55,104 - Your Treasury Department lost $28 million! - (Faith) Please, return to your podium. 351 00:24:55,177 --> 00:25:00,410 Tell me that you are not receiving major campaign finance contributions from oil companies. 352 00:25:00,482 --> 00:25:04,976 - Boom! - I don't take kindly to you calling me a liar. 353 00:25:05,053 --> 00:25:08,682 If this is a debate, you should answer questions honestly. 354 00:25:08,757 --> 00:25:10,918 You should be accountable for who you are. 355 00:25:10,992 --> 00:25:13,790 The voters should know what you represent, 356 00:25:13,862 --> 00:25:17,320 and if you represent special-interest groups, we should be like NASCAR. 357 00:25:17,399 --> 00:25:21,529 We'd be in the Senate with our suits on, and if you're backed by something, 358 00:25:21,603 --> 00:25:24,470 it'd be like little patches like they wear in NASCAR. 359 00:25:24,539 --> 00:25:27,997 "Vioxx - the backaches end, the heart attacks begin." 360 00:25:28,076 --> 00:25:31,273 Put the big one on the back; "Enron - we take your money and run." 361 00:25:31,346 --> 00:25:32,836 Smack down! 362 00:25:32,914 --> 00:25:35,075 It's all about accountability... 363 00:25:35,150 --> 00:25:38,916 We have a format that we have agreed upon. May I remind you... 364 00:25:38,987 --> 00:25:44,289 - For God's sakes. We got some real trouble here. ...and the airlines... 365 00:25:44,359 --> 00:25:46,827 Faith, can you... Faith, can you hear me? 366 00:25:46,895 --> 00:25:50,921 Can you get control of this, please? Get control of this! 367 00:25:50,998 --> 00:25:54,729 We deal in weapons of mass distraction. They push your buttons. 368 00:25:54,802 --> 00:26:00,104 He's talking about hydrogen fuel. He wants an amendment to the Constitution on flag-burning. 369 00:26:00,174 --> 00:26:03,507 It's an emotional issue! They talk about the desecration of the flag, 370 00:26:03,577 --> 00:26:07,206 but if you go online right now, you can buy flag underwear! 371 00:26:07,281 --> 00:26:08,771 - (audience laughter) - Wow! 372 00:26:08,849 --> 00:26:13,377 You can see an old lady wearing a flag thong and go, "Grandma, don't tell me where Old Glory is!" 373 00:26:13,454 --> 00:26:16,218 (audience laughter) 374 00:26:16,290 --> 00:26:18,758 - It's all about distractions! - Mr. Dobbs... 375 00:26:18,826 --> 00:26:24,628 No, no, Mr. Kellogg. Mr. Kellogg wants to pass an amendment against same-sex marriage! 376 00:26:24,698 --> 00:26:27,997 Anybody who's ever been married knows it's always the same sex! 377 00:26:28,068 --> 00:26:30,229 - Mr. Dobbs! - They don't know what to do. 378 00:26:30,304 --> 00:26:31,931 - What's up with that? - Mr. Dobbs! 379 00:26:32,006 --> 00:26:36,306 It's a distraction! They point over here, they point overthere - they want you not to know. 380 00:26:36,377 --> 00:26:41,405 You don't want an amendment to the Constitution on burning the flag. Make it out of asbestos! 381 00:26:41,482 --> 00:26:45,248 - Please do not make a mockery of this. - Let someone else speak, Mr. Dobbs. 382 00:26:45,319 --> 00:26:49,187 - Return to your podium. - It was a mockery a long time before I came. 383 00:26:49,256 --> 00:26:51,247 (audience applause) 384 00:26:52,326 --> 00:26:54,590 Now we got applause. This is wonderful. 385 00:26:54,662 --> 00:26:57,153 We're absolutely out of control. 386 00:26:57,231 --> 00:27:01,463 - $200 billion, you could buy a few books! - Mr. Dobbs! 387 00:27:08,142 --> 00:27:10,508 It's hard to say how voters will react to Dobbs - 388 00:27:10,578 --> 00:27:13,240 either he's a hot dog orthe genuine article. 389 00:27:13,314 --> 00:27:17,842 He did make some issues come home to people, and if he could actually follow through, 390 00:27:17,918 --> 00:27:19,476 he may have scored points. 391 00:27:19,553 --> 00:27:23,387 Good point. But this wasn'tjust funny in the abstract, 392 00:27:23,457 --> 00:27:25,618 it was very pointed and very to the point. 393 00:27:25,693 --> 00:27:30,460 He was making political points through his comedy, and it was incredible entertainment. 394 00:27:30,531 --> 00:27:32,999 How good the politics is, we'll have to wait and see. 395 00:27:33,067 --> 00:27:37,003 It's going to be difficult to assess how the American public will respond 396 00:27:37,071 --> 00:27:40,234 to the level of undisciplined behavior Tom Dobbs exhibited. 397 00:27:40,307 --> 00:27:43,935 - I'm feeling good. Almost euphoric. - Jack. Excuse me. 398 00:27:44,010 --> 00:27:48,071 Can you go see Tom right away? He thinks he screwed up. 399 00:27:48,147 --> 00:27:52,174 Yeah, I'm euphoric, he thinks he screwed up! 400 00:27:54,254 --> 00:27:57,712 (Jack) Who gives a shit what talking heads think? Different is good. 401 00:27:57,790 --> 00:28:02,124 When I first saw you, I liked you because you were different, new. 402 00:28:02,195 --> 00:28:06,598 You talked too fast - couldn't understand you half the time - but you were fresh. 403 00:28:06,666 --> 00:28:11,103 These politicians today look like they're borrowed from the wax museum. 404 00:28:11,170 --> 00:28:14,264 They're already in their suits, waiting to be buried. 405 00:28:14,340 --> 00:28:17,571 You wanna be like them? Waste of time - you wanna be different. 406 00:28:17,644 --> 00:28:19,441 All bets are off. 407 00:28:19,512 --> 00:28:25,280 You're a good candidate, Tom - as loony as that seems - but... (groans) 408 00:28:25,351 --> 00:28:27,342 What? 409 00:28:30,590 --> 00:28:33,855 ...you could be... an even better one. 410 00:28:33,927 --> 00:28:35,952 Are you all right? 411 00:28:37,630 --> 00:28:41,566 - What's wrong? - I'm just a little short of breath. 412 00:28:42,268 --> 00:28:44,259 (siren) 413 00:28:46,506 --> 00:28:49,873 - (groans) - Let's get you to the hospital. 414 00:29:11,497 --> 00:29:17,026 It's his emphysema. He has a problem with the enlargement of his heart, but he's stable. 415 00:29:17,103 --> 00:29:22,939 There seems to be a link between smoking and heart disease. Or am I just making that up? 416 00:29:23,509 --> 00:29:26,672 Lt'll be the first time I'll be in front of an audience without him. 417 00:29:26,746 --> 00:29:31,183 You do what you did tonight and things could get really interesting. 418 00:29:37,556 --> 00:29:39,547 (laughs) 419 00:29:41,093 --> 00:29:45,393 The old bastard's right. Look at that. You gotta be different to make an impression. 420 00:29:45,464 --> 00:29:48,228 I'm shaking it up there. 421 00:29:48,300 --> 00:29:54,569 Forget trying to be presidential. You end up looking like them - another stiff in a suit. 422 00:29:54,639 --> 00:29:57,665 I gotta play my game. 423 00:29:57,743 --> 00:30:03,147 They thought I was wild in the debate? Watch me in the next two weeks. 424 00:30:04,216 --> 00:30:05,683 I'm back. 425 00:30:05,751 --> 00:30:10,085 How do you answer the allegations that you were arrested for smoking marijuana? 426 00:30:10,155 --> 00:30:15,115 I definitely was, yes. I did inhale, because I thought, "What the hell? I'll inhale it." 427 00:30:15,193 --> 00:30:19,687 - You're not denying these charges? - Not at all. I was 25, I was stoned. 428 00:30:19,765 --> 00:30:23,292 - Do you think it'll affect the campaign? - You wanna know my history? 429 00:30:23,368 --> 00:30:29,307 When I was a young boy, I used to look at pictures of naked ladies. Hence, my right hand is very strong. 430 00:30:29,374 --> 00:30:31,842 At 17 years old, I beat up a guy. 431 00:30:31,910 --> 00:30:35,471 When I was 21, I went to a prostitute. I was so bad, she gave me a refund. 432 00:30:35,547 --> 00:30:39,813 I once had a blind date that I left in the theater. I felt so bad, I married her. 433 00:30:39,885 --> 00:30:44,652 That's my ex-wife, who I am not on good terms with. I just farted a little while back there. 434 00:30:44,723 --> 00:30:49,092 If you find any other nonsense you'd like to talk about, I'll be glad to discuss it. 435 00:30:49,161 --> 00:30:51,857 Ladies and gentlemen, it's now time for the campaign. 436 00:30:51,930 --> 00:30:55,593 It's gonna be a whole new ball game, so brace yourselves, people. 437 00:30:57,102 --> 00:31:00,697 - (Tom) Are you tired of the Democratic Party? - (cheering) 438 00:31:00,772 --> 00:31:03,741 - Are you tired of the Republican Party? - (cheering) 439 00:31:03,809 --> 00:31:07,609 - Are you tired of a Congress that does nothing? - (cheering) 440 00:31:07,679 --> 00:31:12,378 Are you tired of having twice as many lobbyists as they've ever had before? 441 00:31:12,451 --> 00:31:13,281 (cheering) 442 00:31:13,351 --> 00:31:17,549 Then I... I have an idea: Don't vote for the congressmen or senators. 443 00:31:17,622 --> 00:31:20,182 You don't have to vote. Know how we're gonna pick 'em? 444 00:31:20,258 --> 00:31:23,091 - (crowd) No! - The same way we pick a jury. 445 00:31:23,161 --> 00:31:28,793 You'll get a more interesting cross section than the folks you got right now. I guarantee it. 446 00:31:28,867 --> 00:31:32,734 - Do you want a better healthcare system? - (cheering) 447 00:31:32,803 --> 00:31:36,967 You have an HMO that says, "We'll give you Viagra, but we won't pay for glasses." 448 00:31:37,041 --> 00:31:39,566 You can have a hard-on, but you can't see where to put it. 449 00:31:39,643 --> 00:31:42,635 - We're gonna change it, aren't we? Yeah! - Yeah! 450 00:31:42,713 --> 00:31:46,342 We're not just talking liberal or conservative - big-time change. 451 00:31:46,417 --> 00:31:52,549 Recently, a lot of the past administrations said it's unpatriotic to question the government. 452 00:31:52,623 --> 00:31:57,959 If it was unpatriotic to question the government, we'd still be English! 453 00:31:58,028 --> 00:32:01,623 The Boston Tea Party wasn't people going, "Oh, hello." 454 00:32:01,699 --> 00:32:05,100 It was a lot of guys in Boston going, "Here's your tea, right here!" 455 00:32:05,169 --> 00:32:09,333 ~ I'm tired of the Democratic Party I'm tired of the Republican Party 456 00:32:09,406 --> 00:32:13,103 We're talking about freedom of speech. And freedom of religion - 457 00:32:13,177 --> 00:32:16,078 practicing any religion you want, anytime, anywhere. 458 00:32:16,147 --> 00:32:20,948 You could be Bewish - Jewish and Buddhist. You sit and you wait for things to go on sale. 459 00:32:21,018 --> 00:32:25,011 We're talking about freedom of religion. Occasionally, religion crosses over. 460 00:32:25,089 --> 00:32:28,456 You have people saying, "You must teach intelligent design." 461 00:32:28,526 --> 00:32:31,927 Look at the human body. Is it intelligent? I find it more interesting. 462 00:32:31,996 --> 00:32:36,296 You have a waste-processing plant next to a recreation area. 463 00:32:36,367 --> 00:32:39,336 They attack environmentalists: "You're a tree-hugger." 464 00:32:39,403 --> 00:32:41,462 I go, "No, I've done more than hug a tree." 465 00:32:41,539 --> 00:32:46,169 "If you find the right naughty pine, you're gonna have a good night." 466 00:32:46,243 --> 00:32:49,110 "Who's your woodsman? Who's your woodsman?" 467 00:32:49,180 --> 00:32:52,377 I'm not just a tree-hugger, I'm an air-breather. I'm sorry. 468 00:32:52,449 --> 00:32:58,388 It's bad enough with the squirrels going... (nasally) "Please help me. I can't breathe today." 469 00:32:59,356 --> 00:33:06,125 If you put enough chemicals in the water, you'll be fishing, going: "I love catching two-headed bass." 470 00:33:06,197 --> 00:33:09,462 "They're good eating once you get past the tumors." 471 00:33:09,533 --> 00:33:13,435 ~ I'm tired of the Democratic Party Now I'm tired of the Republican Party 472 00:33:13,504 --> 00:33:16,473 That's why we're here - 'cause you want change! Yeah! 473 00:33:16,540 --> 00:33:21,773 You wanna shake it up! You have to be eyes wide open, ready to move on! 474 00:33:22,546 --> 00:33:25,810 Arm in arm, hand in hand, everybody together, 475 00:33:25,882 --> 00:33:29,818 moving forward, because the future is now! 476 00:33:29,886 --> 00:33:33,014 (~ "Bohemian Like You"by the Dandy Warhols) 477 00:33:34,724 --> 00:33:36,123 Oh, yeah! 478 00:33:36,826 --> 00:33:37,918 Yeah! 479 00:34:21,771 --> 00:34:23,204 (woman) You're the greatest! 480 00:34:23,273 --> 00:34:25,935 - Thank you. - You sure you don't want one of us to drive? 481 00:34:26,009 --> 00:34:31,037 - It's eight hours back to Chicago. - I just wanna be alone with my Barry White tapes. 482 00:34:31,114 --> 00:34:37,314 Uh, Tom, the doctors say that Jack's pretty weak, so he could doze off before all the results are in. 483 00:34:37,387 --> 00:34:41,221 What's new? He used to do that during my act! 484 00:34:41,291 --> 00:34:46,194 Hey, pick up a couple of cartons of cigarettes for Menken. They're cheaper on the road. 485 00:34:46,262 --> 00:34:48,822 You're so thoughtful. 486 00:34:48,898 --> 00:34:52,163 - It's my middle name. - Compassion. 487 00:34:57,373 --> 00:34:59,603 (woman on radio) Exit polls are very close. 488 00:34:59,676 --> 00:35:05,512 Kellogg and Mills are running about even, with Dobbs at around 17% of the vote. 489 00:35:07,083 --> 00:35:09,677 (~ "My Culture"by Robbie Williams) 490 00:35:18,061 --> 00:35:23,123 As you can see, President Kellogg is winning by a small margin over Senator Mills in Rhode Island, 491 00:35:23,198 --> 00:35:25,189 Connecticut and Massachusetts. 492 00:35:25,267 --> 00:35:28,600 But in all three states, the numbers are very close. 493 00:35:28,670 --> 00:35:31,696 See the numbers? The computer glitch is happening the same way. 494 00:35:31,773 --> 00:35:36,676 It looks as if Delaware now is going to President Kellogg by a very close margin. 495 00:35:36,745 --> 00:35:40,306 - What do you mean, it's not computing right? - Something's wrong. 496 00:35:41,483 --> 00:35:46,443 (man on radio) An unusual turn of events in Virginia; with now 87% of the vote in, 497 00:35:46,521 --> 00:35:49,012 comedian Tom Dobbs is leading. 498 00:35:49,091 --> 00:35:51,753 That will surprise more than a few of the experts. 499 00:35:51,827 --> 00:35:54,853 The Dobbs numbers have been increasing since the last debate. 500 00:35:54,930 --> 00:35:57,763 Most of the polls had him with 10 to 11%. 501 00:35:57,833 --> 00:36:00,461 So, if this vote holds true in Virginia, 502 00:36:00,535 --> 00:36:03,003 Dobbs is going to surprise a lot of people. 503 00:36:03,071 --> 00:36:05,403 Yeah! (chuckles) 504 00:36:18,720 --> 00:36:20,051 Ding-dong! 505 00:36:20,122 --> 00:36:23,182 - Ready for your pina colonic? - What are you doing here? 506 00:36:23,258 --> 00:36:26,455 Thought I'd spend the evening with someone who gets on my nerves. 507 00:36:26,528 --> 00:36:31,989 - How about Virginia? - Virginia's OK, but Debbie... Such a slut! 508 00:36:32,067 --> 00:36:35,935 A little intensive care package here. Red wine. 509 00:36:36,004 --> 00:36:38,529 - A good month. - Yes. 510 00:36:38,607 --> 00:36:42,703 OK. A little cheese and pate - always good after a heart attack. 511 00:36:42,778 --> 00:36:44,746 Sit. 512 00:36:44,813 --> 00:36:48,681 Comedian Tom Dobbs has won New Jersey as well as Virginia, 513 00:36:48,750 --> 00:36:50,240 a blue and a red state, 514 00:36:50,318 --> 00:36:53,913 which indicates that his message cuts across political lines. 515 00:36:53,989 --> 00:36:56,321 It's gonna be interesting. 516 00:36:56,391 --> 00:37:02,227 You're not gonna win this election, but at least you didn't go gently into the good night. 517 00:37:02,297 --> 00:37:06,893 From all the signs tonight, that Delacroy voting system has worked extremely well. 518 00:37:06,968 --> 00:37:11,166 We're not hearing anything about long lines at the booths orother snafus. 519 00:37:11,239 --> 00:37:16,699 It seems that this has probably straightened out some of those voting problems of the past. 520 00:37:16,777 --> 00:37:19,769 (~ "John the Revelator"by Depeche Mode) 521 00:37:37,298 --> 00:37:38,993 - Excuse me. - Hey, Eleanor. 522 00:37:39,066 --> 00:37:42,593 - Have you looked at these numbers? - Yeah. Yeah. 523 00:37:42,670 --> 00:37:46,868 I emailed you. I told you I thought there was something wrong with the system. 524 00:37:46,941 --> 00:37:51,275 - I was told the glitch was limited to my computer. - Yeah. 525 00:37:51,345 --> 00:37:53,870 What? Are you calling me a liar? 526 00:37:53,948 --> 00:37:59,477 No. All I'm saying is, these numbers, these results, this is what I mentioned to you in my email. 527 00:37:59,553 --> 00:38:02,852 - Why did you decide to test the system? - I don't know. 528 00:38:02,923 --> 00:38:06,381 - Why'd you need to run a test at such a high count? - I don't know. 529 00:38:06,460 --> 00:38:09,520 If you found a system error, how were we gonna fix it? 530 00:38:09,597 --> 00:38:13,089 - I'm not sure. - Look into your soul and ask yourself this: 531 00:38:13,167 --> 00:38:18,628 Why would you test the computer at such limits with so few days left to fix a problem if you found one? 532 00:38:18,706 --> 00:38:21,038 I... was just double-checking. 533 00:38:21,108 --> 00:38:24,908 Do you want to destroy this company? Because that's what you may do. 534 00:38:24,979 --> 00:38:29,575 You understand the ramifications. Do you want to put over 1,000 employees out of work? 535 00:38:29,650 --> 00:38:32,983 - Do ya? - But the election will be a fraud. 536 00:38:33,053 --> 00:38:37,820 Here it is: The people are voting, there is an election, the democratic process is working. 537 00:38:37,892 --> 00:38:42,454 The only sour note? They won't end up with the person that they voted for to be the President. 538 00:38:42,530 --> 00:38:47,832 But we can celebrate the process. The democratic process which we hold so dear will have worked. 539 00:38:47,902 --> 00:38:50,427 Everybody's gonna be satisfied. 540 00:38:50,504 --> 00:38:55,840 Unless somebody discloses indiscriminately, willy-nilly. 541 00:38:55,910 --> 00:39:00,609 It will appear democracy is in the shithouse, and by tomorrow Delacroy will be nonexistent. 542 00:39:00,681 --> 00:39:03,912 - Now, was that your motive? - No. 543 00:39:03,984 --> 00:39:06,316 America votes, a leader is chosen. 544 00:39:06,387 --> 00:39:09,685 But one thing could disturb this beatific vision. 545 00:39:09,756 --> 00:39:11,849 I... I just want to be truthful. 546 00:39:11,925 --> 00:39:16,828 Perception of legitimacy is more important than legitimacy itself. That's the greater truth. 547 00:39:16,896 --> 00:39:20,457 Don't fuck with our democracy. Don't undermine our way of life. 548 00:39:20,533 --> 00:39:25,493 Every American believes their vote counts. Now you wanna tell them that's not true? 549 00:39:25,572 --> 00:39:30,703 But the results of the election will be wrong! One candidate will win because of computer error. 550 00:39:30,777 --> 00:39:32,768 - How do we know that? - I'm telling you! 551 00:39:32,845 --> 00:39:36,508 Based on what? Guessing. Listen, this is your project, Eleanor. 552 00:39:36,583 --> 00:39:41,486 If you wanna tinker with it for a future election, it's not only your prerogative, I encourage you. 553 00:39:41,554 --> 00:39:46,787 The Delacroy voting system is your baby. You're a perfectionist and you wanna make it more perfect, 554 00:39:46,859 --> 00:39:51,762 but do it alone and with an eye to the future, 555 00:39:51,831 --> 00:39:54,163 because it is the future that interests us. 556 00:39:54,233 --> 00:39:56,565 Now is the past. 557 00:39:58,237 --> 00:40:02,264 As I understand it, there's no problem. 558 00:40:18,658 --> 00:40:19,556 (exhales) 559 00:40:19,626 --> 00:40:21,787 And? 560 00:40:23,396 --> 00:40:25,421 And... 561 00:40:25,498 --> 00:40:28,160 (~ "I Try"by Macy Gray over PA) 562 00:40:41,648 --> 00:40:46,449 - I tell you, they seem to like this guy Dobbs. - Oh, Danny, please. 563 00:40:46,519 --> 00:40:50,546 - So this is all part of the same computer error? - Yes. 564 00:40:50,623 --> 00:40:52,716 I'm going home. 565 00:40:54,494 --> 00:40:58,225 Well, I don't know if she's enrolled in the program, I'll tell you that. 566 00:40:58,297 --> 00:41:00,492 What does my legal counsel suggest, then? 567 00:41:00,566 --> 00:41:03,364 I'm gonna make a phone call. 568 00:41:03,436 --> 00:41:06,927 (news anchor) There was some research done saying more and more people 569 00:41:07,005 --> 00:41:13,740 are getting their political news from Leno, Letterman, Jon Stewart, Tom Dobbs and Bill Maher 570 00:41:13,812 --> 00:41:16,679 more than from newspapers and actual news programs. 571 00:41:16,748 --> 00:41:19,876 There you go. My thoughts exactly. 572 00:41:20,452 --> 00:41:22,716 You're kidding me? Aw, come on! 573 00:41:22,788 --> 00:41:27,555 It should be on the news any minute. It looks like we're gonna take North Carolina! 574 00:41:28,427 --> 00:41:32,625 What? And Indiana? You're sure? 575 00:41:32,698 --> 00:41:35,861 Oh, this is so insane. Insanity, it's sweet insanity! 576 00:41:35,934 --> 00:41:38,698 - (news anchor) And Indiana goes to Dobbs. - (cheering) 577 00:41:41,106 --> 00:41:45,065 It'sjust been confirmed that comedian Tom Dobbs has won Arizona. 578 00:41:45,143 --> 00:41:49,512 If I'm correct, comedian Tom Dobbs has won every state where he's been on the ballot. 579 00:41:49,581 --> 00:41:52,345 Comedian Tom Dobbs wins the Sunshine State. 580 00:41:52,417 --> 00:41:55,079 So New York wants a comedian as President. 581 00:41:55,153 --> 00:41:58,122 Comedian Tom Dobbs... (overlapping) Another big win for Dobbs. 582 00:41:58,190 --> 00:42:02,991 With 99% of the vote in, comedian Tom Dobbs has won Texas. 583 00:42:03,061 --> 00:42:05,859 The funnyman has conquered the Lone Star State. 584 00:42:05,931 --> 00:42:12,564 According to my calculations, comedian Tom Dobbs has got 146 electoral votes right now. He's got 'em. 585 00:42:12,637 --> 00:42:17,040 There are five more states to be counted where he's on the ballot, out of the 13 to be counted. 586 00:42:17,109 --> 00:42:20,408 And it's possible, if he takes all five states, 587 00:42:20,479 --> 00:42:24,506 that could put Dobbs overthe top of the 270 needed. 588 00:42:24,583 --> 00:42:31,284 I believe I've got my figures correct, but it's a possibility - not a likely possibility, but it's a possibility. 589 00:42:35,460 --> 00:42:37,951 This is the happiest night of my life... 590 00:42:38,930 --> 00:42:41,330 and I can't stay awake. 591 00:42:43,101 --> 00:42:47,197 Ourexit polls have only in some cases proven accurate. 592 00:42:47,272 --> 00:42:50,799 - Perhaps voters are keeping their voting choices... - (clattering) 593 00:42:50,876 --> 00:42:52,400 ...close to the vest. 594 00:42:52,477 --> 00:42:58,745 Now, Senator Mills has very strong numbers, but not strong enough to beat President Kellogg. 595 00:42:58,816 --> 00:43:05,380 In fact, the incumbent has beaten Senator Mills in every state where they've been going one-on-one. 596 00:43:05,456 --> 00:43:07,788 (TVcontinues in background) 597 00:43:44,495 --> 00:43:47,293 ...they are still confident of an election victory. 598 00:43:47,364 --> 00:43:50,527 Tom Dobbs has been gaining momentum since the debate. 599 00:43:50,601 --> 00:43:53,468 Now, right afterthe debate, there was a mixed reaction, 600 00:43:53,537 --> 00:44:00,670 but what we've seen since then is that the public apparently sees him as a candidate forchange. 601 00:44:00,744 --> 00:44:03,872 He has been formidable, as we've seen in these numbers... 602 00:44:03,948 --> 00:44:05,006 (Eleanor sighs) 603 00:44:05,082 --> 00:44:11,385 We are now going to go live back to Election Central, where Chris Matthews is standing by. Chris? 604 00:44:11,455 --> 00:44:13,685 Hold on to your hats, folks. 605 00:44:13,757 --> 00:44:15,622 Tom Dobbs... 606 00:44:15,693 --> 00:44:17,820 (muffled cries) 607 00:44:20,197 --> 00:44:25,999 Comedian Tom Dobbs is the next President of the United States. 608 00:44:32,409 --> 00:44:34,468 (TVnews theme) 609 00:44:37,181 --> 00:44:39,172 At 01;23 East Coast time, 610 00:44:39,250 --> 00:44:43,243 comedian Tom Dobbs has been elected President of the United States. 611 00:44:43,320 --> 00:44:47,848 The free world will now be led by a comedian. 612 00:45:12,282 --> 00:45:16,275 Mr. President? Donald Tilson, Secret Service. I'll be taking over. 613 00:45:18,254 --> 00:45:20,882 You don't find this a little bit absurd? 614 00:45:26,296 --> 00:45:27,923 Thanks for your honesty. 615 00:45:28,498 --> 00:45:30,966 Always been a big fan of your work, sir. 616 00:45:37,273 --> 00:45:43,143 Jack, you're the manager of the President of the United States. 617 00:45:44,781 --> 00:45:47,909 Comedy Store to the White House. 618 00:45:49,953 --> 00:45:52,148 (woman on TV) We must look into computer fraud. 619 00:45:52,221 --> 00:45:56,282 I mean, we've had problems in other states - Florida, Ohio, elsewhere - 620 00:45:56,359 --> 00:46:01,296 where it's not only questions of malfunction but also questions of legitimacy. 621 00:46:01,364 --> 00:46:03,559 Are these computers hackable? 622 00:46:03,633 --> 00:46:09,799 There isn't a papertrail. It's not the way the Delacroy system is set up. Congress knew that. 623 00:46:09,872 --> 00:46:14,935 Let's face it, the reality is a comedian was elected President of the United States. 624 00:46:15,011 --> 00:46:17,002 Case closed, end of discussion. 625 00:46:17,714 --> 00:46:19,204 (sirens) 626 00:46:23,519 --> 00:46:26,010 Any thoughts as to the makeup of your cabinet? 627 00:46:26,089 --> 00:46:28,887 I looked at the IKEA catalog and didn't see anything I liked, 628 00:46:28,958 --> 00:46:32,621 but I'm hoping for a dark walnut with a nice veneer. That'd be lovely. 629 00:46:32,695 --> 00:46:34,856 What was your vice president's response? 630 00:46:34,931 --> 00:46:39,265 Shocked as the rest of us. " Guess I'll have to clear my calendar for the next four years." 631 00:46:39,335 --> 00:46:42,031 - Can we get back to questions of the cabinet? - Certainly. 632 00:46:42,105 --> 00:46:45,040 It will be diverse and include Republicans and Democrats 633 00:46:45,108 --> 00:46:47,769 and people of no party affiliation. I want diversity. 634 00:46:47,843 --> 00:46:53,941 I believe democracy is a collision of ideas. I'm not of the school that if you're not for us you're against us. 635 00:46:54,016 --> 00:46:57,850 That being said, if I had my druthers, I'd love an all-lesbian cabinet. 636 00:46:57,919 --> 00:47:01,320 It'd be fun to think about what they're doing behind closed doors. 637 00:47:01,390 --> 00:47:04,826 Thank you, everyone. We're on our way to Washington. Wish us luck. 638 00:47:04,893 --> 00:47:07,259 It'll be an adventure, and you're all part of it. 639 00:47:22,944 --> 00:47:26,243 - Hello? - Hey, Ellie. Sorry, I didn't see you there. 640 00:47:26,314 --> 00:47:30,444 Well, maybe if you paid a little more attention instead of daydreaming. 641 00:47:30,519 --> 00:47:33,920 - Sorry. Just give me a cappuccino, please. - Sure. 642 00:47:36,224 --> 00:47:39,955 - Hey, Angus. Cappuccino. - Can't you see he's busy getting mine right now? 643 00:47:40,028 --> 00:47:43,657 - I was just giving him my order. It's not a big deal. - It's not a big deal. 644 00:47:43,732 --> 00:47:46,565 Well, apparently it is, 'cause this is taking forever. 645 00:47:46,635 --> 00:47:49,399 - It's forever. - Hold your horses. 646 00:47:49,471 --> 00:47:55,967 - Hey, Angus, do you have any of those cookies I like? - God, can you please just let me get my cappuccino? 647 00:47:56,878 --> 00:47:58,778 OK. 648 00:47:58,847 --> 00:48:02,544 (under breath) Didn't realize you were such a bitch. 649 00:48:05,187 --> 00:48:08,452 Anytime during this millennium would be terrific. 650 00:48:08,523 --> 00:48:09,581 Thanks. 651 00:48:10,459 --> 00:48:12,586 - Cappuccino? - Yes. Thanks. 652 00:48:46,861 --> 00:48:49,159 Oh! Ow. Ow. 653 00:48:49,230 --> 00:48:52,495 Oh... shit. 654 00:48:52,566 --> 00:48:54,261 Shit. Shit. 655 00:48:54,335 --> 00:48:56,269 - Let me give you a hand. - I got it. 656 00:48:56,337 --> 00:48:59,306 - Just let me take care of it for you. - I got it. I got it! 657 00:49:00,407 --> 00:49:03,342 - It's no... - I got it! 658 00:49:03,410 --> 00:49:05,139 I got it. 659 00:49:05,212 --> 00:49:06,975 OK. 660 00:49:07,047 --> 00:49:09,345 I got it. I got it. I got it. 661 00:49:09,416 --> 00:49:13,614 - Who stole my purse? - Ellie. Ellie, it's right here. 662 00:49:13,687 --> 00:49:15,848 Did you empty out my purse? 663 00:49:19,360 --> 00:49:22,523 - Did you touch my things? - No! 664 00:49:22,596 --> 00:49:24,530 You touched my things. 665 00:49:28,035 --> 00:49:31,129 - I can't believe you touched my things. - Ellie, I didn't... 666 00:49:31,205 --> 00:49:35,039 You touched my things. What is wrong with you? 667 00:49:35,809 --> 00:49:38,539 He went through my things! 668 00:49:42,349 --> 00:49:44,840 Dammit. 669 00:49:47,121 --> 00:49:50,887 I made a mess. I've made a mess. 670 00:49:50,958 --> 00:49:53,552 I've made such a mess. I've made such a mess. 671 00:49:53,627 --> 00:49:57,222 - But it's my mess! It's my mess and I'll clean it up. - OK. 672 00:49:57,298 --> 00:49:59,664 I'm gonna clean up my mess. 673 00:49:59,733 --> 00:50:02,668 (mutters to herself) 674 00:50:03,270 --> 00:50:06,137 It's my mess. It's my mess. 675 00:50:06,207 --> 00:50:08,437 (woman) Ellie? Do you want me to get some help? 676 00:50:08,509 --> 00:50:12,036 - My mess. - (woman) Can someone call 911? 677 00:50:23,824 --> 00:50:26,292 We have a deadline. In terms of appointments, 678 00:50:26,360 --> 00:50:31,388 there are roughly 7-8,000 slots to be filled, 1500 of which will require Senate confirmation. 679 00:50:31,465 --> 00:50:34,195 7-8,000? Do we know that many incompetent people? 680 00:50:34,268 --> 00:50:35,792 Well, in LA, maybe. 681 00:50:35,869 --> 00:50:38,428 Oh, and over 400 just for core White House staff. 682 00:50:38,504 --> 00:50:44,204 We have to announce 14 cabinet secretary positions, or at least float some of your possible choices. 683 00:50:44,277 --> 00:50:49,874 Well, just off the top of my head, I was thinking Bruce Springsteen as Secretary of State. 684 00:50:49,949 --> 00:50:53,510 - Joke. - Little one. Little joke. 685 00:50:53,586 --> 00:50:56,350 Sorry. I'm just a little nervous, guys. I do care. 686 00:50:56,422 --> 00:50:58,413 Phew, hope this works. 687 00:50:58,491 --> 00:51:01,824 Oh, it'll work. I think. 688 00:51:12,338 --> 00:51:13,930 (applause) 689 00:51:14,007 --> 00:51:18,000 Thank you. Sorry I'm late - my horse pulled up lame. 690 00:51:21,681 --> 00:51:24,650 Thank you. Nice tie. 691 00:51:24,717 --> 00:51:28,551 President-elect Tom Dobbs paid an impromptu visit to Congress 692 00:51:28,621 --> 00:51:31,556 and, literally, brought down the House with laughter. 693 00:51:31,624 --> 00:51:36,391 As word spread quickly, more and more members of Congress left theiroffices 694 00:51:36,462 --> 00:51:39,431 to see Dobbs'costumed visit firsthand. 695 00:51:39,499 --> 00:51:45,802 That reception was extraordinary. I will try and be brief, 'cause I know Tuesday's bingo day in Congress. 696 00:51:46,439 --> 00:51:49,067 It should be duly noted, Chairman, 697 00:51:49,142 --> 00:51:53,806 that this not a scheduled visit, it is not on the docket fortoday, it's not really official, 698 00:51:53,880 --> 00:51:57,077 so no rules have been violated, it'sjust our little secret 699 00:51:57,150 --> 00:52:01,086 - between you, me and the world media. - (laughter) 700 00:52:01,154 --> 00:52:03,349 I also have some disturbing news. 701 00:52:03,423 --> 00:52:10,329 I took a poll, and one third of Congressmen and women thought this was still the present fashion. 702 00:52:10,396 --> 00:52:13,661 Otherthird thought I looked like former first lady Barbara Bush... 703 00:52:13,733 --> 00:52:16,600 I'm looking at the toxology report. It's overwhelming. 704 00:52:16,669 --> 00:52:22,369 She's got Benzedrine, morphine, codeine, cocaine, GHB, Talwin. 705 00:52:22,442 --> 00:52:27,709 Historians have written that our founding fathers were brilliant and courageous men, 706 00:52:27,780 --> 00:52:33,445 but they sometimes made difficult decisions, sometimes had to pass unpopular legislation. 707 00:52:33,518 --> 00:52:38,478 What will they think about us 200-and-some years from now? What will they write about this Congress? 708 00:52:38,557 --> 00:52:44,223 Will they say that you're brave and brilliant? Courageous? 709 00:52:44,296 --> 00:52:46,890 Will your legacy be as extraordinary as theirs? 710 00:52:47,899 --> 00:52:49,924 We have a lot to live up to. 711 00:52:50,001 --> 00:52:53,027 I think we can do it. I know we can do it. 712 00:52:55,907 --> 00:52:58,842 You can't just say it didn't happen. 713 00:53:00,045 --> 00:53:03,776 When have you ever known me to ever take any kind of drugs? 714 00:53:03,849 --> 00:53:06,579 I'm even afraid of NyQuil. 715 00:53:08,687 --> 00:53:12,384 I got a promotion. They're sending me to Ireland. 716 00:53:12,457 --> 00:53:15,017 - Oh, Danny. - What? 717 00:53:15,093 --> 00:53:17,527 They're just trying to pay you off. 718 00:53:17,596 --> 00:53:22,260 They just don't want you talking about the computer problems. 719 00:53:24,569 --> 00:53:27,367 Gotta let people know the election's a fraud. 720 00:53:28,407 --> 00:53:31,103 - Do you think anybody'll believe you? - Sure. Why not? 721 00:53:31,176 --> 00:53:35,135 Maybe because you flipped out and you're in a hospital and you've been doing drugs? 722 00:53:35,213 --> 00:53:36,771 - I don't do drugs. - Cocaine... 723 00:53:36,848 --> 00:53:40,215 I don't do drugs. I don't do drugs. I don't. 724 00:53:40,285 --> 00:53:43,652 Who believes you? Who's gonna believe you? 725 00:53:45,490 --> 00:53:50,689 ...innercities, infrastructure, environmental issues - that's what's before us. 726 00:53:50,762 --> 00:53:52,491 He will. 727 00:54:05,977 --> 00:54:07,877 (GPS) Turn left. 728 00:54:07,946 --> 00:54:10,039 (Eleanor) OK. 729 00:54:15,353 --> 00:54:20,791 - Talk to me, baby, talk to me. - Drive 0.4 miles, then turn left. 730 00:54:20,859 --> 00:54:22,793 OK. 731 00:54:23,295 --> 00:54:25,819 (Eleanor) FBI. FBI. 732 00:54:26,864 --> 00:54:28,161 FBI. 733 00:54:29,033 --> 00:54:31,092 FBI. 734 00:54:32,336 --> 00:54:33,963 FBI. 735 00:54:34,038 --> 00:54:38,372 (Jack) I am now the manager of the president-elect of the United States. 736 00:54:38,442 --> 00:54:44,745 15% of the President's salary is nothing compared to what Dobbs normally makes on a yearly basis. 737 00:54:44,815 --> 00:54:47,340 This is a monetary sacrifice I am willing to make 738 00:54:47,418 --> 00:54:53,357 since I am now the first show business manager ever to handle a president. 739 00:54:53,424 --> 00:54:57,053 (~ "They Can't Take That Away From Me") 740 00:55:11,342 --> 00:55:14,072 Oh, I wish I could walk. 741 00:55:17,815 --> 00:55:19,806 Oh, man. 742 00:55:23,454 --> 00:55:25,820 Happy birthday, Mr. Menken. 743 00:55:27,091 --> 00:55:29,082 Eleanor Green, FBI. 744 00:55:29,159 --> 00:55:31,923 Hi. Eleanor Green, FBI. 745 00:55:31,996 --> 00:55:34,760 - Everything all right? - Oh, just fine. 746 00:55:35,466 --> 00:55:37,400 Just fine. 747 00:55:37,468 --> 00:55:41,700 I'm just here just making sure everything's secured. 748 00:55:46,577 --> 00:55:49,740 I probably shouldn't have introduced myself. I'm sorry. 749 00:55:49,813 --> 00:55:52,338 No, you have to. 750 00:55:52,416 --> 00:55:57,319 - Anyway, happy birthday again. - Again? Did another year just pass? 751 00:55:57,388 --> 00:56:01,324 - I taught Tom everything he knows about comedy. - Except how to be funny. 752 00:56:01,392 --> 00:56:04,691 - I can see that. - A put-down from the FBI. 753 00:56:04,762 --> 00:56:06,923 No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it... 754 00:56:06,997 --> 00:56:10,125 Please. It's all right. He's only annoying when he's happy. 755 00:56:10,200 --> 00:56:12,691 It's an old Irish tradition. 756 00:56:12,770 --> 00:56:14,567 - You wanna dance? - I don't dance. 757 00:56:14,638 --> 00:56:20,167 (Jack) They didn't teach you to dance at the FBI? J. Edgar Hoover was a wonderful dancer. 758 00:56:20,244 --> 00:56:22,905 Fat, but light on his feet. 759 00:56:27,150 --> 00:56:29,641 Could we just talk and not move? 760 00:56:31,754 --> 00:56:33,119 Sure. 761 00:56:50,673 --> 00:56:55,667 So, what do you do when you're not pretending to be an FBI agent? 762 00:56:57,380 --> 00:56:59,940 - It's that apparent? - Yeah. 763 00:57:00,950 --> 00:57:03,544 You're not concerned? Me crashing the party? 764 00:57:03,620 --> 00:57:05,986 Please. I've played in clubs for years. 765 00:57:06,055 --> 00:57:11,083 Had to deal with drunks, hecklers, and angry waitresses, one of which is my ex-wife. 766 00:57:11,160 --> 00:57:14,618 I have an eye for that and you wouldn't be on my dangerous list. 767 00:57:14,697 --> 00:57:17,495 Good. That's good. 768 00:57:17,567 --> 00:57:23,699 Yeah. Besides, Secret Service already flagged you and I said you were OK. 769 00:57:37,783 --> 00:57:40,047 - Too fast? - No, I'm fine. 770 00:57:40,119 --> 00:57:41,609 No, I'm... 771 00:57:41,687 --> 00:57:43,917 So, what do you really do? 772 00:57:43,990 --> 00:57:45,890 Um... 773 00:57:45,958 --> 00:57:50,952 Well, I-I did work for Delacroy Voting Systems. 774 00:57:51,030 --> 00:57:54,056 But they had... cutbacks. 775 00:57:54,133 --> 00:57:56,465 I... Laid off. 776 00:57:56,535 --> 00:57:59,971 Laid off? I thought they were making the big bucks. That's weird. 777 00:58:00,039 --> 00:58:03,031 Well, it was a small cutback, actually. 778 00:58:03,109 --> 00:58:06,441 It was a very small cutback, actually. Just me. 779 00:58:06,511 --> 00:58:10,038 Oh, so would "fired" be more appropriate than "cutback"? 780 00:58:10,115 --> 00:58:13,915 - Well, if you wanna be picky... - Oh, picky. 781 00:58:13,985 --> 00:58:16,180 ...with words, then yes, 782 00:58:16,254 --> 00:58:19,121 then I guess fired... 783 00:58:19,190 --> 00:58:22,648 fired would be it. 784 00:58:22,727 --> 00:58:24,888 May I ask why? 785 00:58:27,666 --> 00:58:30,362 - Oh, none of my business. - It is. 786 00:58:34,072 --> 00:58:37,667 Look, you're having such a good time. I don't wanna spoil it. 787 00:58:37,742 --> 00:58:39,642 You have to do the birthday toast now. 788 00:58:39,711 --> 00:58:42,737 OK, I'll be right there. Yeah. 789 00:58:42,814 --> 00:58:46,716 Listen. We're staffing up right now and... 790 00:58:46,785 --> 00:58:48,582 - Staffing up? - Yeah. 791 00:58:48,653 --> 00:58:51,383 (whispers) Tom. 60 seconds. OK. 792 00:58:51,456 --> 00:58:54,448 - Oh, staffing up? No, that's not what I meant. - OK. 793 00:58:54,526 --> 00:58:58,723 - That's not why I'm here. - That's all right. This is my personal cell. 794 00:58:58,796 --> 00:59:02,732 And, you know, if you need anything, you call. OK? 795 00:59:08,272 --> 00:59:10,263 (cheering) 796 00:59:14,144 --> 00:59:17,341 (Tom) Yeah! Yes, indeed! 797 00:59:17,414 --> 00:59:19,382 To Jack Menken, a man who once said: 798 00:59:19,450 --> 00:59:24,979 "If Mama Cass had shared a sandwich with Karen Carpenter, they both would be alive today." 799 00:59:25,055 --> 00:59:27,250 I... I'm sorry. 800 00:59:28,392 --> 00:59:32,260 He's so sensitive, someone once asked, "What do you think of gay marriage?" 801 00:59:32,329 --> 00:59:37,062 And he said, " I think gays have a right to be just as miserable as the rest of us." 802 00:59:37,134 --> 00:59:39,967 To Jack Menken, an incredible human being. 803 00:59:40,037 --> 00:59:42,130 - A great manager. - A great manager. 804 00:59:42,206 --> 00:59:44,071 - Made you a star. - (Tom) Mm-hm. 805 00:59:44,141 --> 00:59:48,201 (Eddie) Made you the President, and by doing so has put me out of work. 806 00:59:48,277 --> 00:59:50,871 God bless him. God bless Jack Menken! 807 00:59:50,947 --> 00:59:54,610 (~ "Black Horse & The Cherry Tree" by KT Tunstall) 808 01:00:31,954 --> 01:00:34,047 (phone rings) 809 01:00:34,123 --> 01:00:37,115 - (Eleanor) Danny, hi. - Hey. Where the hell are you? 810 01:00:37,193 --> 01:00:39,558 (Eleanor) Are you alone? This is yourcell phone? 811 01:00:39,628 --> 01:00:43,496 - (Danny) Yeah, why? What's going on? - Paranoid, I guess. 812 01:00:43,565 --> 01:00:46,159 I got a chance to meet him. Dobbs. 813 01:00:46,234 --> 01:00:47,667 (Danny sighs) 814 01:00:47,736 --> 01:00:50,296 You didn't tell him, did you? I mean... 815 01:00:50,372 --> 01:00:53,239 No, but he should know, don't you think? 816 01:00:53,308 --> 01:00:57,244 Let it go. Nothing good can possibly come from revealing what happened. 817 01:00:57,312 --> 01:01:00,611 Is anyone trying to figure out what happened with the system? 818 01:01:00,682 --> 01:01:04,311 I don't know. You know, it's not the sort of thing that I'd hear about. 819 01:01:04,386 --> 01:01:09,255 They'd be going through the private channels for that sort of thing. You know how that goes. 820 01:01:09,324 --> 01:01:10,814 Ellie? 821 01:01:10,892 --> 01:01:13,053 Good night, Danny. 822 01:01:17,465 --> 01:01:21,663 - James Hemmings' office. - Yes, is Mr Hemmings in? This is Tom Dobbs. 823 01:01:21,736 --> 01:01:24,796 - Just a minute. - Mm-hm? 824 01:01:24,873 --> 01:01:29,503 It's a Tom Dobbs. Is that the Tom Dobbs, President-Elect Dobbs? 825 01:01:29,578 --> 01:01:33,673 - Well, did you ask? - No. I was too embarrassed to. 826 01:01:33,747 --> 01:01:36,375 All right. 827 01:01:37,318 --> 01:01:41,277 - James Hemmings. - James. Tom Dobbs, president-elect. 828 01:01:41,355 --> 01:01:43,880 Uh... yes, sir. Yes, of course. 829 01:01:43,958 --> 01:01:49,863 I know this is a little out of the ordinary, but did you have an employee named Eleanor Green? 830 01:01:49,930 --> 01:01:53,161 Uh, yeah. Um... Is something wrong? 831 01:01:53,234 --> 01:01:57,637 (Tom) I need some information. Strictly confidential, just between you and me. 832 01:01:57,705 --> 01:02:01,698 Yeah, well... I mean, well, you know, where do I begin? 833 01:02:01,775 --> 01:02:04,073 I know that she was fired by Delacroy. 834 01:02:04,144 --> 01:02:08,205 Mm. Uh, look, I'm a little confused. Is she... 835 01:02:08,282 --> 01:02:11,115 - is she applying for a job with you? - No. 836 01:02:11,185 --> 01:02:13,210 Did you meet with her personally? 837 01:02:13,287 --> 01:02:17,314 Yes. That's how I knew that she was a Delacroy employee and that she was fired. 838 01:02:17,391 --> 01:02:21,690 - Yeah. Yeah. Did she add to that? - Add what? 839 01:02:21,761 --> 01:02:25,629 Did she mention that she had a bad drug problem? She had a breakdown here. 840 01:02:25,698 --> 01:02:29,327 - She had to be hospitalized. - No, she didn't mention that. 841 01:02:29,402 --> 01:02:33,065 (Hemmings) I'm surprised she's there. She should be in drug rehab. 842 01:02:33,139 --> 01:02:35,733 That's weird. She doesn't seem like the type. 843 01:02:35,808 --> 01:02:38,777 Do you know how I might reach her? 844 01:02:38,845 --> 01:02:42,838 - I guess we both have a problem in that area. - Yeah. Yeah. 845 01:02:42,916 --> 01:02:45,350 Look, if I hear anything I'll contact you. 846 01:02:45,418 --> 01:02:49,047 Delacroy Systems has completed a deal with the European Common Market 847 01:02:49,122 --> 01:02:52,091 which will invest in theircomputer voting system. 848 01:02:52,158 --> 01:02:57,289 With this announcement, Delacroy stock hasjumped 37% on the Big Board. 849 01:02:57,730 --> 01:03:00,164 (cheers) Come on! 850 01:03:01,467 --> 01:03:02,764 S. 851 01:03:02,835 --> 01:03:06,999 - (host) Yeah, there are two of them. - All right. 852 01:03:07,073 --> 01:03:09,064 - 900. - (man) N. 853 01:03:09,142 --> 01:03:14,135 (host) Yeah, two N's. That'll get you on the board with $1800. 854 01:03:19,484 --> 01:03:21,782 - 800. - (woman) L? 855 01:03:21,853 --> 01:03:25,254 (host) Yeah, there are two of them. Got almost $3,000 in that kitty. 856 01:03:25,324 --> 01:03:28,191 (woman) I'd like to buy a vowel. I'd like to buy an I. 857 01:03:28,260 --> 01:03:30,751 (host) Well, there are two I's. 858 01:03:34,499 --> 01:03:37,593 - It'd be a good time to find a letterortwo. - (woman) M. 859 01:03:37,669 --> 01:03:40,035 (host) Orthree. Yes. 860 01:03:45,077 --> 01:03:48,877 Double G's before double L's. 861 01:03:50,549 --> 01:03:54,110 Double B's before double G's. 862 01:03:59,491 --> 01:04:01,482 Yes! Yes! 863 01:04:05,262 --> 01:04:08,322 Double G's before double L's. 864 01:04:08,399 --> 01:04:11,459 Double B's before double G's. 865 01:04:14,638 --> 01:04:16,629 It's alphabetical. 866 01:04:19,744 --> 01:04:22,508 It's alphabetical. 867 01:04:23,180 --> 01:04:26,946 OK. You mean to tell me that we didn't shut down her access when we let her go? 868 01:04:27,018 --> 01:04:28,178 - Evidently not. - That's smart. 869 01:04:29,887 --> 01:04:34,722 Her ID's showing up in the log. She's been in the mainframe, poking around the code depository. 870 01:04:34,792 --> 01:04:38,956 - Do we know where she is? - Not yet, but we will. 871 01:04:39,030 --> 01:04:41,590 - What's the matter? - You know. I'm unhappy. 872 01:04:41,665 --> 01:04:43,860 You're unhappy about what? 873 01:04:43,934 --> 01:04:47,802 - What do you think I'm unhappy about? - You agreed to play the turkey. 874 01:04:47,872 --> 01:04:51,035 - I never agreed. - It's not a big deal. All you do is cluck. 875 01:04:51,108 --> 01:04:57,012 First of all, we don't cluck, we gobble, OK? And if it's not such a big deal, why don't you be the turkey? 876 01:04:57,080 --> 01:04:59,708 - You want me to be the turkey? - Yeah, come on. 877 01:04:59,783 --> 01:05:01,876 - You want me to be the turkey? - Yeah. 878 01:05:01,951 --> 01:05:04,112 - (phone rings) - Tom here. 879 01:05:04,187 --> 01:05:06,712 - Hi. - Eleanor, is that you? 880 01:05:06,790 --> 01:05:09,588 - Yes. - How do you turn the music down? 881 01:05:09,659 --> 01:05:13,459 We're having a little post-Thanksgiving outing. Can I pick you up? 882 01:05:13,530 --> 01:05:17,796 An outing? No, I-I had something I had to tell you. 883 01:05:17,867 --> 01:05:20,427 Good, good. Give me an address. 884 01:05:35,985 --> 01:05:38,954 Eleanor! We're going paintballing. 885 01:05:39,022 --> 01:05:44,323 I brought you some camouflage and thermals 'cause it's gonna be cold up there. Follow me, men. 886 01:05:44,393 --> 01:05:47,157 - What? - (Tom) Cold. 887 01:06:06,115 --> 01:06:08,640 I can't believe it. 888 01:06:09,384 --> 01:06:11,784 Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. 889 01:06:12,554 --> 01:06:14,988 - Are you all right? - No! 890 01:06:28,904 --> 01:06:31,737 - I'm out. - Well, thank God. 891 01:06:33,108 --> 01:06:35,234 I'm out of ammo! 892 01:06:35,309 --> 01:06:37,300 (Eleanor screams) 893 01:06:39,514 --> 01:06:41,914 The president-elect's just been shot. 894 01:06:41,983 --> 01:06:44,178 He's dead. Let's go round them up. 895 01:06:44,252 --> 01:06:48,518 What a pleasant way to spend the day, huh? Killing your friends? 896 01:06:48,589 --> 01:06:52,616 That's all the exercise I'm ever gonna need. 897 01:06:52,693 --> 01:06:55,423 - Did that hurt? - Yeah. Yeah. 898 01:06:55,496 --> 01:06:57,487 I'm sorry. 899 01:06:58,633 --> 01:07:00,157 Hey. 900 01:07:00,234 --> 01:07:03,067 Tom, could I talk to you for a minute? 901 01:07:03,137 --> 01:07:08,370 Sure. We have to walk away from those who have listening devices. 902 01:07:08,442 --> 01:07:10,034 (laughs) 903 01:07:10,111 --> 01:07:12,341 Um... do they have listening devices? 904 01:07:12,413 --> 01:07:16,281 No, they can't hear. Well, they hear each other, but not us. 905 01:07:16,350 --> 01:07:17,647 OK. 906 01:07:17,718 --> 01:07:20,152 Um... 907 01:07:20,221 --> 01:07:22,689 Because I haven't been... 908 01:07:22,757 --> 01:07:24,748 uh... 909 01:07:27,794 --> 01:07:30,991 I haven't been forthright with you about certain things. 910 01:07:31,064 --> 01:07:33,999 Maybe "forthright"...God. 911 01:07:34,067 --> 01:07:38,470 Forthright isn't the word I'm looking for. 912 01:07:39,339 --> 01:07:45,039 Maybe I haven't disclosed enough, and that really isn't easy for me, especially now that I know you... 913 01:07:45,111 --> 01:07:48,740 I mean, OK, I don't know you. I mean, I know you... 914 01:07:48,815 --> 01:07:53,047 No, I know you because you're Tom Dobbs, I know you, but I don't really know you... 915 01:07:53,119 --> 01:07:55,883 You got a lot of setup here. You don't need that much. 916 01:07:55,956 --> 01:08:00,188 It's too much of a lead-in. Just the punch line. 917 01:08:00,260 --> 01:08:04,993 - You're going to be President of the United States. - Yeah. 918 01:08:08,902 --> 01:08:11,700 - Maybe that's not so bad. - I hope. 919 01:08:13,940 --> 01:08:18,205 Oh, God. Oh, God. I worked at Delacroy and I worked so hard, and I cared. 920 01:08:18,277 --> 01:08:21,007 I cared so much, and I am so full of guilt. 921 01:08:21,080 --> 01:08:23,708 I can make this a lot easier for you. 922 01:08:23,782 --> 01:08:25,647 What do you mean? How? 923 01:08:25,718 --> 01:08:28,619 - Well, I called Hemmings at Delacroy. - What? 924 01:08:28,687 --> 01:08:33,818 Yeah. Well, you know, I wanted to find you. I remember you said you worked at Delacroy. 925 01:08:33,892 --> 01:08:36,224 I wanted to see you. 926 01:08:37,896 --> 01:08:40,057 - You did? - Mm-hm. 927 01:08:41,767 --> 01:08:44,167 - You wanted to see me. - Yeah. 928 01:08:45,671 --> 01:08:47,662 Wow. 929 01:08:50,009 --> 01:08:53,035 - God. That's good. - Well, good. Well, good, not so good. 930 01:08:53,112 --> 01:08:58,209 - No, it's good. - Well, he told me about your drug problem and... 931 01:08:58,284 --> 01:09:00,752 Oh, no. No, no, no. I don't have a drug problem. 932 01:09:00,819 --> 01:09:03,447 - It's all right. - Tom, I do not have a drug problem. 933 01:09:03,522 --> 01:09:05,786 - It doesn't bother me. - I hate to interrupt, 934 01:09:05,858 --> 01:09:09,293 but the Secret Service wants you outta here by dark. 935 01:09:09,360 --> 01:09:14,957 By the way, drug dealers have this place booked until dawn. 936 01:09:15,033 --> 01:09:20,630 I didn't tell him. He's just making a joke. We'll talk about it later, honestly. It's OK. 937 01:09:20,705 --> 01:09:23,833 - There's no drug problem. - That's all I need to know. 938 01:09:23,908 --> 01:09:27,002 - There's a lot to discuss here. - Yeah. I think... 939 01:09:29,414 --> 01:09:32,315 That just doesn't look clear to me. Another 30 minutes? 940 01:09:32,383 --> 01:09:34,317 - Yeah, maybe. - The wing is... 941 01:09:34,385 --> 01:09:38,981 Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. We may have a problem here. 942 01:09:39,057 --> 01:09:44,188 - I like it crispy. I like a nice crunchy skin. - I know, Menken. I know you do. 943 01:09:44,262 --> 01:09:46,526 - Just wanna make myself heard. - Uh-huh. 944 01:09:46,597 --> 01:09:51,125 - I'm a producer. I've produced a lot of turkeys. - Yes, you have. 945 01:09:51,202 --> 01:09:55,969 Look at this old C-SPAN. Congress is in session and no one's there. 946 01:09:56,040 --> 01:09:59,531 Harkin's speaking about an amendment to a budget bill. It's empty. 947 01:09:59,609 --> 01:10:01,873 How do you get people in their seats? It's crazy. 948 01:10:01,945 --> 01:10:03,776 - They have things to do. - Like? 949 01:10:03,847 --> 01:10:09,183 Like, hello, they've got lobbyists to deal with. They've got trips the lobbyists have sent them on. 950 01:10:09,252 --> 01:10:16,090 They've gotta go do TV shows to explain to people what they're not doing while they're not there. 951 01:10:17,194 --> 01:10:19,025 This makes golf look like porn. 952 01:10:26,336 --> 01:10:29,032 Shouldn't you be giving that up? 953 01:10:30,574 --> 01:10:33,543 Did you know there were once ads 954 01:10:33,610 --> 01:10:37,239 that said four out of five doctors recommend this brand or that brand? 955 01:10:37,314 --> 01:10:39,407 Come on. You're kidding me. 956 01:10:39,483 --> 01:10:43,544 - Doctors used to recommend cigarettes? - Said they were good for you. 957 01:10:43,620 --> 01:10:46,748 There was one slogan before my time: 958 01:10:46,823 --> 01:10:49,223 "Not a cough in the carload." 959 01:10:50,926 --> 01:10:54,089 It's a little too late now. 960 01:10:54,163 --> 01:10:56,688 I'm sorry. 961 01:10:58,634 --> 01:11:00,625 (whistling) 962 01:11:08,544 --> 01:11:10,637 You like our Tom Dobbs, do you? 963 01:11:13,082 --> 01:11:15,073 Unfortunately, I do. 964 01:11:15,151 --> 01:11:17,312 I see that. 965 01:11:18,754 --> 01:11:21,314 (~ "La Mer"by Charles Trenet) 966 01:12:00,628 --> 01:12:03,096 - I have to talk to you in private. - Now? 967 01:12:03,164 --> 01:12:05,325 - Yes. - OK. 968 01:12:22,183 --> 01:12:24,174 Thanks. 969 01:12:29,591 --> 01:12:31,922 You've got a great group. 970 01:12:31,992 --> 01:12:34,392 Ellie, whatever your problem is... 971 01:12:34,461 --> 01:12:37,225 What? You can fix my problem? 972 01:12:37,297 --> 01:12:42,599 Is this the president-elect speaking or just Tom Dobbs the comedian? 973 01:12:42,669 --> 01:12:45,103 - Just Tom Dobbs. - Good. 974 01:12:45,172 --> 01:12:51,509 Because Tom Dobbs is not the elected President of the United States. There. I've said it. Kill me. 975 01:12:59,152 --> 01:13:01,848 It's true. 976 01:13:01,922 --> 01:13:05,824 There was a problem with the computer voting system. 977 01:13:05,893 --> 01:13:10,592 I tried to warn them. It's that error that's made you the next President of the United States. 978 01:13:10,664 --> 01:13:13,360 - I didn't win? - Not even close. 979 01:13:13,433 --> 01:13:15,833 - What do you want me to do? - I don't know. 980 01:13:15,903 --> 01:13:19,168 I had to say it. I've been living with this. I just had to tell you. 981 01:13:19,239 --> 01:13:21,673 - Do you want to go public with this? - I can't. 982 01:13:21,742 --> 01:13:24,574 I could, but nobody would believe me. Not anymore. 983 01:13:24,644 --> 01:13:28,239 But somebody has to know. Somebody. At least you. 984 01:13:28,314 --> 01:13:30,578 I mean, I don't know. Look, I don't know. 985 01:13:30,650 --> 01:13:36,987 Maybe it is best that you're the next President of the United States even if they didn't vote for you. 986 01:13:38,658 --> 01:13:41,422 Out of curiosity... 987 01:13:41,494 --> 01:13:44,054 - did you vote for me? - No. 988 01:13:44,130 --> 01:13:46,860 I don't vote. To be honest with you, I don't vote. 989 01:13:46,933 --> 01:13:50,767 Politicians will say anything in the world to get elected. Maybe I'm jaded. 990 01:13:50,836 --> 01:13:53,964 Honestly, I didn't even think you had a chance. 991 01:13:54,040 --> 01:13:58,636 I know it's ironic I'm talking like I'm concerned. I don't even vote. 992 01:13:58,711 --> 01:14:02,647 I'm gonna talk this over with Menken. Come on, I want you with me. Come with me. 993 01:14:02,715 --> 01:14:04,342 - No, I can't. - Why not? 994 01:14:04,417 --> 01:14:06,578 - Tom, I can't! - Why? 995 01:14:07,587 --> 01:14:11,284 I had to tell you. You do with it what you want. 996 01:14:16,895 --> 01:14:19,056 Happy Thanksgiving. 997 01:14:23,635 --> 01:14:25,796 Happy Thanksgiving. 998 01:14:42,053 --> 01:14:44,385 (Jack) Is something wrong? 999 01:14:46,992 --> 01:14:49,324 You guys have a fight? 1000 01:14:50,662 --> 01:14:54,928 She knows a lot about computers. More than you ever wanna know, really. 1001 01:14:55,000 --> 01:14:57,332 Should I be impressed? 1002 01:14:59,204 --> 01:15:01,468 It's improbable, me winning the election. 1003 01:15:01,539 --> 01:15:06,032 Well, Mark Twain once wrote, "The only difference between reality and fiction 1004 01:15:06,110 --> 01:15:09,273 "is that fiction needs to be credible." 1005 01:15:09,346 --> 01:15:12,179 We are, my friend, in uncharted waters. 1006 01:15:12,683 --> 01:15:14,651 She just told me I didn't win the election. 1007 01:15:14,718 --> 01:15:16,117 Whoops. 1008 01:15:16,186 --> 01:15:19,155 Computer malfunction. 1009 01:15:19,223 --> 01:15:22,215 - She knows this? For sure? - Yeah. 1010 01:15:23,560 --> 01:15:27,326 She tried to warn the Delacroy Company and they hid it. Bad for business. 1011 01:15:27,398 --> 01:15:31,425 - You don't believe her, do you? - I do. It's true. 1012 01:15:32,169 --> 01:15:35,434 I always thought the TV Nielsen ratings were full of shit, but this? 1013 01:15:35,506 --> 01:15:37,838 It's hard to believe that many people watched JAG. 1014 01:15:37,908 --> 01:15:41,469 I never met anybody who'd say, "Hey, did you see JAG last night?" 1015 01:15:41,545 --> 01:15:44,537 Don't believe her so quickly, Tom. 1016 01:15:44,615 --> 01:15:48,483 - She knows what she's talking about. - That's debatable. 1017 01:15:48,552 --> 01:15:52,386 So... what's she gonna do? 1018 01:15:52,456 --> 01:15:54,855 Nothing. She left it up to me. 1019 01:15:54,924 --> 01:16:02,057 Leaving it to you. Well, Delacroy's not gonna say anything, and she's not gonna say anything, so... 1020 01:16:02,131 --> 01:16:03,155 there's no problem. 1021 01:16:03,232 --> 01:16:05,757 - No problem? - We move on. 1022 01:16:05,835 --> 01:16:09,327 - Oh, like nothing happened? - Something like that. 1023 01:16:09,405 --> 01:16:15,366 If you tell a joke and it stinks but you put a laugh track over it, the joke still stinks. 1024 01:16:15,445 --> 01:16:17,743 I'm President, but not really. 1025 01:16:17,814 --> 01:16:23,309 This is where we are. You wanna throw it away or go for it? 1026 01:16:23,386 --> 01:16:26,116 I never told you which gigs to take, I only advised, 1027 01:16:26,189 --> 01:16:31,923 but to me this decision is a slam dunk. 1028 01:16:32,995 --> 01:16:35,088 Yeah. 1029 01:16:45,274 --> 01:16:47,673 (phone rings) 1030 01:16:49,344 --> 01:16:50,242 Tom? 1031 01:16:50,312 --> 01:16:54,681 Eleanor, tomorrow at 11 o'clock I'm gonna have a press conference 1032 01:16:54,750 --> 01:16:59,187 and tell the American people that I'm not the legitimate President of the United States. 1033 01:17:00,555 --> 01:17:02,580 I'm so sorry. 1034 01:17:02,657 --> 01:17:05,285 I-I'll call you tomorrow, OK? 1035 01:17:21,676 --> 01:17:24,042 Danny, I told him. 1036 01:17:24,112 --> 01:17:26,580 Why did you tell him? 1037 01:17:26,648 --> 01:17:29,708 I had to. And now I hate myself. 1038 01:17:29,785 --> 01:17:31,082 (Danny) Does he believe you? 1039 01:17:31,153 --> 01:17:35,647 (Eleanor) He's calling a press conference at 11 tomorrow. He's gonna make the whole thing known. 1040 01:17:35,724 --> 01:17:38,089 (Danny) Oh, shit. Look what you did. 1041 01:17:38,159 --> 01:17:40,389 (Eleanor) I wish I hadn't told him. 1042 01:17:40,461 --> 01:17:44,693 I mean, I know I did the right thing. I know I did the right thing. It was the right thing to do. 1043 01:17:44,765 --> 01:17:47,131 And yet... And yet... 1044 01:17:47,201 --> 01:17:52,833 m-m-maybe I've done the wrong thing, and how can that possibly be? 1045 01:17:52,907 --> 01:17:55,637 I mean, did I do the right thing ordid I do the wrong thing? 1046 01:17:55,709 --> 01:17:58,303 I know it's the right thing to do, so why do I feel like this? 1047 01:17:58,379 --> 01:18:00,370 (click) 1048 01:18:04,552 --> 01:18:08,545 We've got to preempt his press conference. 1049 01:18:11,692 --> 01:18:14,684 And very early tomorrow morning. 1050 01:18:47,927 --> 01:18:51,886 - Press conference set up? - Uh, yeah. What the hell's going on? 1051 01:18:54,234 --> 01:18:56,134 OK. 1052 01:18:57,203 --> 01:18:59,330 Jack? Jack? 1053 01:18:59,405 --> 01:19:02,568 Got a reporter says Delacroy's going to make a major announcement. 1054 01:19:02,642 --> 01:19:05,577 Some big story, something to do with Eleanor Green. 1055 01:19:05,645 --> 01:19:07,579 (man) This is what we got going on today. 1056 01:19:07,647 --> 01:19:11,014 They're called the Witches of November. A storm from the Great Lakes. 1057 01:19:11,084 --> 01:19:14,747 That's going to spread one to three inches of snow right across the D.C. Area. 1058 01:19:14,821 --> 01:19:17,949 I don't think there's any more than that, not a lot of moisture here. 1059 01:19:18,024 --> 01:19:21,220 It's a pretty closed-up system, and it's gonna move up quickly... 1060 01:19:21,293 --> 01:19:22,920 (dramatic music) 1061 01:19:22,995 --> 01:19:27,489 (man) We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this breaking news. 1062 01:19:27,566 --> 01:19:31,229 We have some dirty laundry that needs to be addressed. 1063 01:19:31,303 --> 01:19:37,401 Recently Delacroy had to dismiss an employee, Eleanor Green, 1064 01:19:37,476 --> 01:19:42,436 who was suffering severe psychological problems. We made an effort to get her medical help, 1065 01:19:42,514 --> 01:19:48,350 and subsequently discovered that she was heavily involved in the use of barbiturates and cocaine. 1066 01:19:48,420 --> 01:19:52,880 We would have kept this private, but additional facts concerning Miss Green have come to light. 1067 01:19:52,958 --> 01:19:57,861 We have evidence that Miss Green manipulated the prototype of ourcomputer voting system. 1068 01:19:57,930 --> 01:19:59,625 (phone rings) 1069 01:20:00,532 --> 01:20:02,762 - Tom here. - Turn on the television. 1070 01:20:02,834 --> 01:20:04,995 - What channel? - Any channel. 1071 01:20:08,774 --> 01:20:11,742 Her motives aren't quite clearto us, 1072 01:20:11,809 --> 01:20:15,802 apart from the fact that she seemed obsessed with Tom Dobbs, 1073 01:20:15,880 --> 01:20:20,476 to the degree that she actually tried to corrupt the computer system to get him elected. 1074 01:20:23,154 --> 01:20:27,250 We also know that the president-elect has been seen in her presence recently, 1075 01:20:27,325 --> 01:20:33,161 but let me make this clear- we are not suggesting any impropriety on behalf of the president-elect. 1076 01:20:33,230 --> 01:20:36,859 - Pull over. - We are a family at Delacroy. 1077 01:20:36,934 --> 01:20:39,402 We have an extensive healthcare program. 1078 01:20:39,470 --> 01:20:44,840 Lots of people have psychological problems, mental problems, health problems of one kind or another. 1079 01:20:44,909 --> 01:20:48,140 It's not something you sweep under the rug, you gotta talk about it. 1080 01:20:48,212 --> 01:20:54,412 We believe that strongly, and we make our best effort to find out about it as soon as possible and give help. 1081 01:20:54,485 --> 01:21:00,582 The good news is, all the computer voting systems installed in polling stations remained secure. 1082 01:21:00,657 --> 01:21:06,994 Therefore, there were no irregularities in the election and our safeguards proved to be impenetrable. 1083 01:21:07,063 --> 01:21:12,695 And that's all the information that we have at this time. I'll take any questions now, if you got 'em. Yes? 1084 01:21:12,769 --> 01:21:17,297 Take a look at this. Take a look at this. Perfect, just perfect. 1085 01:21:17,374 --> 01:21:22,209 She's a piece of work, huh? Flipped out in the company cafeteria, on all sorts of drugs. 1086 01:21:22,278 --> 01:21:27,477 Clearly a mental case. Hospital said she had more pills in her than a pharmacy. 1087 01:21:27,550 --> 01:21:29,745 I believe her. 1088 01:21:30,653 --> 01:21:31,984 She didn't seem that crazy. 1089 01:21:32,055 --> 01:21:38,756 You're in love with her. She could tell you Gandhi ate hot dogs and you'd believe her. Take a look at this. 1090 01:21:38,828 --> 01:21:41,991 If what she says is true, I'm really not the president-elect. 1091 01:21:42,065 --> 01:21:44,761 "Lf" is becoming a very large word. 1092 01:21:44,834 --> 01:21:48,634 Did you forget the first time we met her, she said she was working for the FBI? 1093 01:21:48,705 --> 01:21:52,538 She said she knew about the computer fraud, but takes three weeks to tell you. 1094 01:21:52,608 --> 01:21:55,441 "By the way, you're not the President. Happy Thanksgiving." 1095 01:21:55,511 --> 01:21:59,880 If she's not psychotic she's a stalker, and if she's not a stalker she's a CIA operative. 1096 01:21:59,948 --> 01:22:02,849 - Or maybe, just maybe, she's a succubus. - What's that? 1097 01:22:02,918 --> 01:22:07,514 A succubus is some sort of a demon that sucks the life out of healthy men. 1098 01:22:07,589 --> 01:22:09,318 I was once a healthy man. 1099 01:22:09,391 --> 01:22:13,020 What are you talking about? Please, please stop. 1100 01:22:13,095 --> 01:22:14,892 Don't get off track. 1101 01:22:41,256 --> 01:22:45,351 Can I get change for this, please? My dollar won't work in your machine. 1102 01:22:45,426 --> 01:22:48,452 You're that Miss Green from the television. 1103 01:22:48,529 --> 01:22:51,862 I wasn't sure, 'cause you always pay cash. 1104 01:22:52,767 --> 01:22:55,201 - Did your uncle get ahold of you? - What? 1105 01:22:55,269 --> 01:22:59,603 Your uncle. He was trying to call your room. He said he couldn't get through. 1106 01:22:59,674 --> 01:23:02,108 By the way, that machine doesn't work. 1107 01:23:36,576 --> 01:23:38,339 (man) Yes, sir. 1108 01:23:38,411 --> 01:23:41,209 Yes, sir. I'm in her hotel now. 1109 01:23:43,450 --> 01:23:46,078 I think she may have figured out the glitch. 1110 01:23:57,497 --> 01:24:00,830 Bring it back, bring her back. I want constant updates. 1111 01:24:00,901 --> 01:24:04,268 Yes, sir. When I find her, I know what to do. 1112 01:24:05,705 --> 01:24:10,540 Boy, if she's figured out this computer glitch and goes with that to the press, we're royally screwed. 1113 01:24:10,610 --> 01:24:12,271 Mm-hm. 1114 01:24:12,445 --> 01:24:13,605 Mm-hm. 1115 01:24:13,680 --> 01:24:19,778 Mr. President, we have that luncheon speech followed by a White House meet-and-greet. 1116 01:24:19,853 --> 01:24:21,184 What do I do? 1117 01:24:21,254 --> 01:24:24,120 Go be presidential. 1118 01:24:36,101 --> 01:24:38,797 (press corps shouting) 1119 01:24:38,871 --> 01:24:44,241 (man)... speech today will give some insight into the Eleanor Green situation. 1120 01:24:45,211 --> 01:24:47,805 Jack, I've been trying to call her but I can't reach her. 1121 01:24:47,880 --> 01:24:50,872 You have a busy schedule. Keep your head in that. Period. 1122 01:24:50,950 --> 01:24:52,417 That's terrific. 1123 01:24:52,484 --> 01:24:54,714 Saturday Night Live wants you. What do you think? 1124 01:24:54,787 --> 01:24:57,051 - Did I hear "Saturday Night Live"? - Yeah. 1125 01:24:57,122 --> 01:24:58,555 - Do it. - Why? 1126 01:24:58,624 --> 01:25:03,687 Because it's a great opportunity. Say you were blinded by love, you didn't know she was popping pills. 1127 01:25:03,762 --> 01:25:08,096 It isn't like you were in some side street gettin' head like, uh, Hugh, uh, whatsisname. 1128 01:25:08,167 --> 01:25:11,967 You're so sensitive. OK. I'll do it. 1129 01:25:12,037 --> 01:25:15,767 Yep, he'll do it. I'll call you later for details. 1130 01:25:15,840 --> 01:25:18,900 It's hard to believe it's a year since we've gathered together, 1131 01:25:18,977 --> 01:25:22,777 but we are very pleased to have a most honored guest with us... 1132 01:25:22,847 --> 01:25:28,410 I wrote down some lines for you. They're fantastic, if I must say so. I even threw in an old Hitler joke. 1133 01:25:28,486 --> 01:25:31,216 - How's that supposed to work? - You'll see. 1134 01:25:31,289 --> 01:25:33,917 ...Tom Dobbs! 1135 01:25:33,992 --> 01:25:35,983 Knock 'em dead. 1136 01:25:45,203 --> 01:25:47,637 Thank you very much. 1137 01:25:47,705 --> 01:25:50,572 I guess we should get this over with at the beginning, 1138 01:25:50,642 --> 01:25:56,137 because you've all heard there's a little bit of a rumor going around right now. 1139 01:25:56,214 --> 01:26:00,150 So I'll share the big scoop with you, 'cause, uh, Oprah was booked. 1140 01:26:00,218 --> 01:26:01,810 (scattered laughter) 1141 01:26:01,886 --> 01:26:07,255 I'm not even President of the United States yet, and I'm involved in a scandal with a woman. 1142 01:26:09,793 --> 01:26:13,024 - I did not have sex with that woman. - (laughter) 1143 01:26:13,096 --> 01:26:15,087 I wanted to. 1144 01:26:15,165 --> 01:26:17,690 I'm single. 1145 01:26:17,768 --> 01:26:25,072 And, uh, you've elected a man as President who is probably the unluckiest man in the world in that area. 1146 01:26:25,142 --> 01:26:30,444 In high school, most of my dates were with myself. 1147 01:26:30,514 --> 01:26:33,108 I would take myself out for dinner, bring myself home, 1148 01:26:33,183 --> 01:26:36,016 put on music that I liked, 1149 01:26:36,086 --> 01:26:42,457 have my way with myself and then go, "Should I drive myself home now?" 1150 01:26:43,927 --> 01:26:46,987 Pretty much the bottom line. If I was in Italy I might get lucky. 1151 01:26:47,064 --> 01:26:50,761 They elected an Italian porn star to their senate. 1152 01:26:50,834 --> 01:26:56,533 Which is wonderful. There's no sex scandal there, just great posters and incredible downloads. 1153 01:26:58,441 --> 01:27:01,342 I think that's the bottom line. In a democracy, 1154 01:27:01,410 --> 01:27:04,208 we can have a sense of humor about ourselves. We have to. 1155 01:27:04,280 --> 01:27:07,579 You're allowed to make fun of those in power. 1156 01:27:07,650 --> 01:27:11,882 But even in the face of tyranny there is comedy. Two old Jews were sent to kill Hitler. 1157 01:27:11,954 --> 01:27:17,119 They waited in an alleyway. They were supposed to kill Hitler at 12:30. They have guns, bombs, knives. 1158 01:27:17,193 --> 01:27:19,354 12:30, no Hitler. 1159 01:27:19,428 --> 01:27:21,555 12:45, no Hitler. 1160 01:27:21,630 --> 01:27:24,224 One o'clock, no Hitler. 1161 01:27:24,300 --> 01:27:28,327 Finally one turns to the other and goes, "My God, I hope nothing happened to him." 1162 01:27:30,806 --> 01:27:35,834 It's good to see us back. The fact that we can laugh is wonderful. But the last few years we've been divided. 1163 01:27:35,911 --> 01:27:38,471 Red states, blue states. 1164 01:27:38,547 --> 01:27:43,849 There are no red and blue states, there's only the United States of America. That's what we're about. 1165 01:27:43,919 --> 01:27:49,879 That's why I say you can't spend 200 million dollars on a campaign and not be owing people something. 1166 01:27:49,958 --> 01:27:52,984 Next thing you know they have to deal with the special interests, 1167 01:27:53,061 --> 01:27:57,191 they're doing special favors for special people and not dealing with what you need: 1168 01:27:57,265 --> 01:28:00,200 Education, healthcare, environmental issues. 1169 01:28:00,268 --> 01:28:07,037 They have to deal with oil companies, chemical companies, drug companies, and they owe them. 1170 01:28:07,108 --> 01:28:10,305 And in the process, people get neglected. 1171 01:28:10,378 --> 01:28:15,315 The poor have no advocate, because the poor can't afford a lobbyist. 1172 01:28:15,383 --> 01:28:18,284 The Statue of Liberty says, "Give me your tired, your poor," 1173 01:28:18,353 --> 01:28:20,947 not "your wealthy, your gifted and your endowed." 1174 01:28:24,626 --> 01:28:27,652 I worked out your bit with SNL. They really liked it. 1175 01:28:27,729 --> 01:28:30,095 - Has Eleanor called the headquarters yet? - No. 1176 01:28:30,165 --> 01:28:33,623 - She hasn't called me either. - Well, you never know with females. 1177 01:28:33,701 --> 01:28:37,364 I had an ex who used to do enough tranquillizers to put a flock of sheep to sleep. 1178 01:28:37,439 --> 01:28:38,632 Why? 1179 01:28:38,705 --> 01:28:42,766 - She said it made the sex with me more bearable. - Eleanor didn't do drugs. 1180 01:28:42,843 --> 01:28:47,439 Oh, no. And ball players don't do steroids, they just wake up one day looking like Mack trucks. 1181 01:28:47,514 --> 01:28:50,813 - Pump a little iron, you look like a Humvee. - With little tiny balls. 1182 01:28:50,884 --> 01:28:53,512 (Mathias) This is a meet-and-greet, nothing more. 1183 01:28:53,587 --> 01:28:56,920 (Tom) Oh, the house is so close to the street. 1184 01:28:58,125 --> 01:29:01,492 Whoa, boy, that's a desk. 1185 01:29:01,562 --> 01:29:03,621 I mean... wow. 1186 01:29:03,697 --> 01:29:09,465 I, uh, I never really sat behind a desk before. I mean, the one on the show is just a prop. This... (whistles) 1187 01:29:09,536 --> 01:29:13,438 - Where do you do your writing? - Usually on the back of a napkin, sitting in a bar. 1188 01:29:13,507 --> 01:29:15,771 (chuckles) 1189 01:29:15,843 --> 01:29:18,175 Well, there's a lot of history to this desk. 1190 01:29:18,245 --> 01:29:22,272 The first time I sat behind it, I had a sort of nervous chill. 1191 01:29:22,349 --> 01:29:26,217 Some of the greats and not-so-greats have sat here. 1192 01:29:26,286 --> 01:29:28,049 Please. 1193 01:29:28,121 --> 01:29:30,088 Thank you. 1194 01:29:35,895 --> 01:29:37,487 (phone rings) 1195 01:29:37,563 --> 01:29:39,690 Excuse me, Mr. President. 1196 01:29:39,765 --> 01:29:41,756 - Hello? - Tom? Tom? 1197 01:29:41,834 --> 01:29:43,734 Eleanor? Hold on. 1198 01:29:43,803 --> 01:29:47,569 Mr. President, I'lljust be a minute. Thank you. 1199 01:29:47,640 --> 01:29:51,076 Tom, t-t-two guys broke into my hotel room. I don't know what to do. 1200 01:29:51,143 --> 01:29:52,542 Who? Who are they? 1201 01:29:52,612 --> 01:29:55,979 They're connected with Delacroy. I think they know I broke the code. 1202 01:29:56,048 --> 01:29:59,347 - Code? What code? - I figured out what caused the computerglitch. 1203 01:29:59,418 --> 01:30:02,046 - Where are you now? - I'm in a shopping mall. 1204 01:30:02,121 --> 01:30:04,612 - Shopping? - No, I'm not shopping. 1205 01:30:04,690 --> 01:30:08,353 - Why are you there? - I didn't know what to do. I thought this was safer. 1206 01:30:08,427 --> 01:30:11,555 Mr. President-elect, I'm on a bit of a tight schedule. 1207 01:30:12,131 --> 01:30:15,123 - Listen, Eleanor, I'm with the President. - What? 1208 01:30:15,201 --> 01:30:17,761 I'm with the President of the US in the Oval Office. 1209 01:30:17,837 --> 01:30:22,239 You're with the President? You're in the Oval Office? 1210 01:30:22,774 --> 01:30:26,403 Look, Tom, I don't know what to do... Hello? 1211 01:30:27,746 --> 01:30:29,475 Tom? Hello? 1212 01:30:29,548 --> 01:30:31,209 Hello? 1213 01:30:33,818 --> 01:30:35,786 Sorry, sir. 1214 01:30:42,160 --> 01:30:43,923 Wow. 1215 01:30:43,995 --> 01:30:46,759 It's been a pleasure, Mr. President. Thank you. 1216 01:30:46,831 --> 01:30:50,267 By the way, Mr. Dobbs, I never thought you had a chance. 1217 01:30:50,335 --> 01:30:52,929 I underestimated you. 1218 01:30:53,004 --> 01:30:58,374 Well, just between you and me, Mr. President, you didn't underestimate me at all. 1219 01:31:05,717 --> 01:31:07,412 Really? Why? 1220 01:31:07,953 --> 01:31:11,183 Oh, but that's so weird. I never said anything to him. 1221 01:31:11,255 --> 01:31:14,816 No, he said stuff to me. Like, what am I gonna say back? 1222 01:31:14,892 --> 01:31:17,452 But seri... Hold on a sec. 1223 01:31:17,528 --> 01:31:19,223 Hi. Sorry to interrupt. 1224 01:31:19,296 --> 01:31:23,027 I need a charger for this phone that I can plug into my cigarette lighter. 1225 01:31:23,100 --> 01:31:26,797 We don't stock the charger for that anymore. How long have you had that phone? 1226 01:31:26,870 --> 01:31:30,362 Well, it's not like it's a relic. It's a year old. 1227 01:31:30,441 --> 01:31:32,773 Well, there is a problem - it's a year old. 1228 01:31:39,817 --> 01:31:42,809 Mr. Stewart would like to see you at Delacroy. 1229 01:31:42,886 --> 01:31:45,753 - Why does he want to see me? - He just wants to talk to you. 1230 01:31:45,823 --> 01:31:48,451 Reasonable people can come to reasonable solutions. 1231 01:31:48,525 --> 01:31:51,289 You figured out the computer glitch. You should be paid. 1232 01:31:51,362 --> 01:31:54,661 The Delacroy jet is at the private terminal. I got her. 1233 01:32:00,671 --> 01:32:02,535 (lock beeps) 1234 01:32:05,441 --> 01:32:07,033 Get in. 1235 01:32:07,610 --> 01:32:09,202 Get in. 1236 01:32:22,792 --> 01:32:23,781 Shit! 1237 01:32:30,366 --> 01:32:31,697 Yeah. 1238 01:32:32,402 --> 01:32:35,200 I'm tracking her on her GPS. 1239 01:32:35,705 --> 01:32:37,400 Uh-huh. 1240 01:32:37,473 --> 01:32:42,035 Yes, first opportunity I get I'll pick her up, bring her to the airport. 1241 01:32:42,111 --> 01:32:43,806 Uh-huh. 1242 01:32:46,382 --> 01:32:51,285 The FBI will confirm that you had no contact with Eleanor Green prior to the election. 1243 01:32:51,354 --> 01:32:55,380 You're off the hook in terms of being involved in any attempt to fix the election. 1244 01:32:55,457 --> 01:32:59,894 Sir, we've got to get you to the airport a little earlier. A storm front is moving in. 1245 01:33:13,575 --> 01:33:15,805 Oh, for God's sake. 1246 01:33:38,433 --> 01:33:43,393 Well, after Saturday Night Live tonight, then I'm gonna be heading on. 1247 01:33:43,472 --> 01:33:45,029 Why so soon? 1248 01:33:45,106 --> 01:33:49,065 Well, Menken thinks it's for the best. No sense postponing the inevitable. 1249 01:33:49,143 --> 01:33:51,577 Will you be disappointed to go back to television? 1250 01:33:51,645 --> 01:33:55,046 Oh, no. I have a glorious love-hate relationship with TV. 1251 01:33:55,116 --> 01:33:58,711 - How so? - TV scares me. It makes everything seem credible. 1252 01:33:58,786 --> 01:34:00,253 Why is that so bad? 1253 01:34:00,321 --> 01:34:03,154 If everything seems credible, nothing seems credible. 1254 01:34:03,858 --> 01:34:07,385 TV puts everybody in those boxes side by side. 1255 01:34:07,461 --> 01:34:12,228 On one side there's this certifiable lunatic who says the Holocaust never happened. 1256 01:34:12,299 --> 01:34:18,033 Next to him is this noted, honored historian who knows all about the Holocaust. 1257 01:34:18,105 --> 01:34:22,599 And now there they sit, side by side. They look like equals. 1258 01:34:22,676 --> 01:34:28,308 Everything they say seems credible. And so, as it goes on, nothing seems credible anymore. 1259 01:34:28,382 --> 01:34:30,145 We just stop listening. 1260 01:34:30,217 --> 01:34:33,778 In the Times, 60% of the voters would've voted for Dobbs if they could. 1261 01:34:33,854 --> 01:34:38,415 Well, yeah. He sounds different. That's why they can hear him. 1262 01:35:02,849 --> 01:35:04,339 (phone rings) 1263 01:35:05,585 --> 01:35:06,574 Hello? 1264 01:35:06,653 --> 01:35:10,817 - My cell phone died and some guy is after me. - I thought two guys were after you. 1265 01:35:10,890 --> 01:35:13,518 - No, this is someone else. - Who? 1266 01:35:13,593 --> 01:35:16,562 I assume he's from Delacroy. He has a pickup truck. 1267 01:35:17,130 --> 01:35:19,428 Eleanor, I... I think you need help. 1268 01:35:19,499 --> 01:35:21,763 He tried to abduct me from the mall! 1269 01:35:21,835 --> 01:35:24,269 In the mall. OK. 1270 01:35:24,337 --> 01:35:27,533 I think it has to do with the fact that I figured everything out. 1271 01:35:30,008 --> 01:35:32,841 She's in a phone booth off Route 173. 1272 01:35:32,911 --> 01:35:36,278 You see, Mills and Kellogg both have double L's, 1273 01:35:36,348 --> 01:35:40,478 but Kellogg trumps him with double G's and you trump him with double B's. 1274 01:35:40,552 --> 01:35:44,318 I don't know what that means, Eleanor. Listen, where are you? 1275 01:35:44,389 --> 01:35:48,416 I don't know. I don't know where I am. It's dark, there's a factory, 1276 01:35:48,493 --> 01:35:50,518 I see a Christmas tree... 1277 01:35:50,596 --> 01:35:52,359 I don't know where I am. 1278 01:35:52,431 --> 01:35:56,731 - What do you want me to do now, sir? - I'm willing to offer her big money. Big money. 1279 01:35:56,802 --> 01:36:00,898 She's running away now? Why is she running away? 1280 01:36:00,973 --> 01:36:04,534 She's impossible. I don't know who she's talking to, what she's saying. 1281 01:36:04,610 --> 01:36:09,775 All right, go to the airport. You go to BWI private terminal. 1282 01:36:09,848 --> 01:36:15,377 There's a plane there. We'll get on that plane, I'll take you to New York and we'll solve your problem. OK? 1283 01:36:15,454 --> 01:36:19,480 Private terminal at the airport? I don't know how to get to the airport. 1284 01:36:19,557 --> 01:36:23,857 All right, I'll try. I'll look in my GPS or something. 1285 01:36:27,832 --> 01:36:30,562 Hello? Eleanor? 1286 01:36:34,839 --> 01:36:38,275 (TV) More on that breaking news. There has been a very serious traffic accident. 1287 01:36:38,342 --> 01:36:43,245 It is tying up traffic out on the Baltimore-Washington Parkwayjust where it meets Route 495, 1288 01:36:43,314 --> 01:36:45,077 and that is the Capital Beltway. 1289 01:36:45,149 --> 01:36:52,988 There has been one serious injury. Police have identified the injured woman as an Eleanor Green. 1290 01:36:53,057 --> 01:36:54,285 Oh, my God. 1291 01:36:54,358 --> 01:36:57,794 - If that sounds familiar, it's the same Eleanor Green... - Menken! 1292 01:36:57,862 --> 01:37:00,057 You have to see this! 1293 01:37:02,500 --> 01:37:05,765 Sir, we just got a report of an accident. It's Eleanor Green. 1294 01:37:18,148 --> 01:37:21,515 (reporters firing questions) 1295 01:37:23,320 --> 01:37:25,015 Not now, please. 1296 01:37:25,088 --> 01:37:26,419 Excuse me. 1297 01:37:28,191 --> 01:37:30,659 Are you with the ambulance? Eleanor Green? 1298 01:37:30,727 --> 01:37:33,821 - She's in a stable condition, sir. - Thank you. 1299 01:37:38,134 --> 01:37:42,537 Oh, shit. Why does he have to get himself into this mess? 1300 01:37:54,884 --> 01:38:01,083 Kid driving the truck is from Pittsburgh. Apparently he lost control on the ice, went right off the road. 1301 01:38:06,795 --> 01:38:10,526 - Tom, we've gotta get to Saturday Night Live. - There's time. 1302 01:38:21,610 --> 01:38:25,774 (mumbles) Double B... double L... double G. 1303 01:38:25,848 --> 01:38:30,012 Double B, double L, double G. 1304 01:38:30,085 --> 01:38:31,643 Double B... 1305 01:38:32,788 --> 01:38:35,586 double L... double G. 1306 01:38:39,795 --> 01:38:43,424 Double L, double G... 1307 01:38:51,272 --> 01:38:55,834 (Tom) They're trying to discredit her. She's not psychotic, OK? 1308 01:38:55,910 --> 01:38:58,572 I believe her, for Christ's sake. Look what they did. 1309 01:38:58,646 --> 01:39:02,810 (Jack) Last night you were willing to give it all up. Now you want to do it again. 1310 01:39:02,884 --> 01:39:05,045 Police said a truck lost control. 1311 01:39:05,119 --> 01:39:08,247 - She was trying to tell me something. - It was snowing. 1312 01:39:08,322 --> 01:39:13,589 She said she knew what the computer glitch was. Now it'll be a couple of days before we can find out. 1313 01:39:13,661 --> 01:39:18,462 Where's the proof? Give me something to justify what she's saying. 1314 01:39:18,533 --> 01:39:20,865 We don't have time to keep playing this game. 1315 01:39:20,935 --> 01:39:24,166 She was trying to explain it to me. But it didn't make sense. 1316 01:39:24,238 --> 01:39:27,503 She kept saying, "Double B, double G, double L." It's like a code. 1317 01:39:27,575 --> 01:39:30,339 Whatever the hell happened, we'll never know for sure. 1318 01:39:30,411 --> 01:39:33,107 Only one thing remains true - you're the President. 1319 01:39:36,551 --> 01:39:39,849 You're either getting on that plane or not. 1320 01:39:39,920 --> 01:39:45,017 Tom, come January 20th, the White House is yours. 1321 01:39:45,092 --> 01:39:49,961 Nothing can change that. No one can. Except you. 1322 01:39:58,905 --> 01:40:01,237 You coming? 1323 01:40:31,871 --> 01:40:32,895 (cheering) 1324 01:40:32,972 --> 01:40:35,463 (man) From Studio 8H in the Rockefeller Center, 1325 01:40:36,142 --> 01:40:40,169 it's Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler! 1326 01:40:40,246 --> 01:40:44,706 - Hi. I'm Amy Poehler. - I'm Tina Fey. And here are tonight's top stories. 1327 01:40:44,783 --> 01:40:48,685 A Malaysian man, famous for pulling planes and buses with his hair, 1328 01:40:48,754 --> 01:40:50,949 died this week of heart complications. 1329 01:40:51,023 --> 01:40:56,518 Tragically, he would still be alive but he insisted on pulling his own ambulance. 1330 01:40:56,595 --> 01:40:59,063 (show in background) 1331 01:41:00,432 --> 01:41:04,732 Hey, I just went through the cue cards, and you're gonna kill. 1332 01:41:04,803 --> 01:41:08,000 It's gonna work like a charm. Don't worry about a thing. 1333 01:41:08,073 --> 01:41:12,737 Do a couple of those Eleanor Green jokes and we get this stuff way, way behind you, all right? 1334 01:41:12,811 --> 01:41:16,440 - All right. - You can go on and be President. 1335 01:41:17,249 --> 01:41:19,717 (Eddie chuckles) 1336 01:41:19,785 --> 01:41:25,120 Forensic scientists say they have recreated George Washington as he looked at age 19, 1337 01:41:25,190 --> 01:41:30,787 while Tom Dobbs has recreated how Thomas Jefferson would've looked if he were crazy. 1338 01:41:40,772 --> 01:41:45,402 ...and when the source is finally identified, Tom Dobbs will sleep with it. 1339 01:41:45,476 --> 01:41:47,410 (laughter) 1340 01:41:47,478 --> 01:41:52,279 (Tina) A report suggests that more species of birds mate for life than previously believed, 1341 01:41:52,350 --> 01:41:55,342 while other species only mate for votes. 1342 01:41:55,420 --> 01:41:57,115 (mild laughter) 1343 01:41:57,188 --> 01:42:03,149 This week Tom Dobbs' presidential transition team briefed him on day-to-day activities in the Oval Office. 1344 01:42:03,228 --> 01:42:07,665 However, Dobbs became upset when he learned that Monday would no longer be re-runs. 1345 01:42:07,732 --> 01:42:10,257 - I heard that! - Uh-oh, who said that? 1346 01:42:10,335 --> 01:42:13,064 - (~ "Hail to the Chief") - Do we have a special guest? 1347 01:42:21,445 --> 01:42:24,937 Hello. Welcome. You know my wife. 1348 01:42:25,849 --> 01:42:28,181 President-elect Tom Dobbs. 1349 01:42:28,252 --> 01:42:30,413 (cheering) 1350 01:42:32,389 --> 01:42:34,721 Just in the neighborhood, thought I'd drop by. 1351 01:42:34,791 --> 01:42:38,318 I always wanted to say that - sounds like Bob Hope. "Thought I'd drop by." 1352 01:42:38,395 --> 01:42:41,057 Thank you for coming. Make yourself comfortable. 1353 01:42:41,131 --> 01:42:42,496 Lovely. Thank you. 1354 01:42:42,566 --> 01:42:47,526 So, we all saw you in Congress in that outfit the other day - that was quite flattering. 1355 01:42:47,604 --> 01:42:49,435 Those wigs, it's kind of nice. 1356 01:42:49,506 --> 01:42:54,569 I love the buckled shoe, though - it's part pimp, part pilgrim. 1357 01:42:54,645 --> 01:42:58,308 You can eitherget off the "Mayflower" or have fourgirls in a Cadillac. 1358 01:42:58,382 --> 01:43:01,442 - They love him. - Yeah, it's working like a charm. 1359 01:43:01,518 --> 01:43:05,146 I'm thinking - and this isjust out loud- 1360 01:43:05,221 --> 01:43:09,317 that I should go with the Manolo Blanco, just to give you that little... (squeaks) 1361 01:43:09,392 --> 01:43:11,826 - To lift your ass. - Lift the ass! 1362 01:43:12,695 --> 01:43:16,153 Next time I want to go stilettos, something crazy. 1363 01:43:16,999 --> 01:43:21,902 Now, the FBI cleared up any suspicion that you knew Eleanor Green before the election. 1364 01:43:21,971 --> 01:43:23,438 - Not at all, no. - Good. 1365 01:43:23,506 --> 01:43:27,704 I guess that absolves you of any conspiratorial thing that you fixed the election. 1366 01:43:27,777 --> 01:43:30,405 So what do you make of this woman's obsession with you? 1367 01:43:30,479 --> 01:43:35,678 Well, Tina, I have just one question: Is this a face that a woman would be obsessed with? 1368 01:43:35,751 --> 01:43:39,152 - Well... - By your pause, I understand. 1369 01:43:39,755 --> 01:43:44,522 Because I think a woman can be obsessed with a movie star like Brad Pitt - hello! - 1370 01:43:44,593 --> 01:43:50,327 and I could be obsessed with Angelina - I just want to wet her lips and stick her to something. 1371 01:43:50,399 --> 01:43:51,832 (laughter) 1372 01:43:51,901 --> 01:43:55,199 And also you could say obsessed with rock 'n ' roll stars - 1373 01:43:55,270 --> 01:43:58,797 women rushing the stage, fainting, for Elvis, for the Beatles, 1374 01:43:58,873 --> 01:44:02,001 for Mick Jagger, just to say, "This is your baby!" 1375 01:44:02,077 --> 01:44:05,012 But women don't rush the stage for comedians. 1376 01:44:05,080 --> 01:44:11,986 If they throw their panties on stage for me, it's 'cause they want them fluffed, folded and back by Friday. 1377 01:44:13,888 --> 01:44:20,657 (Tina) I threw my underpants at Britney Spears once... 'cause I thought she needed a pair. 1378 01:44:21,696 --> 01:44:23,630 (Tom) God bless. 1379 01:44:24,432 --> 01:44:28,300 I thought you were gonna say you threw it at Paris Hilton and they stuck. 1380 01:44:28,370 --> 01:44:32,101 - (AMy) That's a good re-write! - (Tom) Good night, good luck! 1381 01:44:32,173 --> 01:44:35,267 That's from our new book, One Night in Paris. 1382 01:44:35,343 --> 01:44:37,937 But, I mean, for me here's the basic thing. 1383 01:44:38,012 --> 01:44:42,506 How plausible is it that a woman would fix an election because she's obsessed with me? 1384 01:44:42,584 --> 01:44:44,381 I mean, where's the hanging chad? 1385 01:44:44,452 --> 01:44:48,717 Where's the governor being your brother? The Supreme Court ruling against the voter? 1386 01:44:48,789 --> 01:44:52,418 Come on, where's the conspiracy in that? None, really. 1387 01:44:52,493 --> 01:44:57,863 And here's the real question: It's like, if that's not why, what is the real answer? 1388 01:45:03,170 --> 01:45:05,730 What is the real answer? 1389 01:45:05,806 --> 01:45:10,334 - (Tom) Thank you for picking that one up. - Where's he going with this? 1390 01:45:10,411 --> 01:45:14,404 The bottom line is Eleanor Green came to me and told me 1391 01:45:14,481 --> 01:45:19,009 that there was a computer glitch in the Delacroy computer voting system. 1392 01:45:19,086 --> 01:45:22,351 She warned the chief executive of Delacroy, James Hemmings, 1393 01:45:22,423 --> 01:45:25,881 but they decided to cover it up for economic reasons. 1394 01:45:25,959 --> 01:45:29,588 It's not good for the stock offering, really. 1395 01:45:29,663 --> 01:45:34,293 The truth is, I'm not the elected President of the United States. 1396 01:45:35,702 --> 01:45:41,298 Bottom line is it was a computer error. Not fraud, but a faulty program. 1397 01:45:41,374 --> 01:45:43,433 HAL decided it liked me. 1398 01:45:46,546 --> 01:45:49,777 Today I was in the Oval Office on a preparatory meeting 1399 01:45:49,849 --> 01:45:54,616 and I sat behind the President's desk and I had a reality check. It kind of overwhelmed me. 1400 01:45:54,687 --> 01:45:57,485 I sat there and went, "Wait a minute. I'm a jester. 1401 01:45:57,557 --> 01:46:01,721 "A jester doesn't rule the kingdom, he makes fun of the king." 1402 01:46:01,794 --> 01:46:07,164 And for a brief moment, I thought, you know, "I could be the President of the United States." 1403 01:46:07,233 --> 01:46:13,138 I thought I was President of the United States till Eleanor talked to me. 1404 01:46:15,041 --> 01:46:20,673 It's... I know. We're not on book anymore and the cue-card guy is going... 1405 01:46:20,746 --> 01:46:23,943 We just usually do fake news and jokes. 1406 01:46:24,016 --> 01:46:27,951 We don't usually have real news and... 1407 01:46:28,019 --> 01:46:30,487 nonjokes. 1408 01:46:30,555 --> 01:46:33,615 - So watch out, Oprah. - (audience laughs) 1409 01:46:33,692 --> 01:46:39,631 'Cause we're gonna go real, girl. But here's the deal. A lot of you voted for me, or at least some of you. 1410 01:46:39,698 --> 01:46:40,858 (audience cheer) 1411 01:46:40,932 --> 01:46:43,594 - Yeah, thank you. - (applause) 1412 01:46:44,970 --> 01:46:48,531 And I know you voted for me because you were fed up with the status quo. 1413 01:46:48,607 --> 01:46:51,701 But you were voting forchange, forthe sake of change. 1414 01:46:51,776 --> 01:46:55,837 Listen, you could vote for someone better. You can do a lot betterthan me. 1415 01:46:55,914 --> 01:46:59,509 You can do better than most politicians you've elected recently, 1416 01:46:59,584 --> 01:47:05,921 and definitely don't put your faith in a machine that has less controls than a Vegas slot machine. 1417 01:47:05,991 --> 01:47:12,191 - So you don't want to be a part of the reelection? - Oh, no. Please. No, that's not a stage I belong on. 1418 01:47:12,264 --> 01:47:16,667 This is where I belong, with folks like you, finding the funk in dysfunctional. 1419 01:47:16,735 --> 01:47:20,898 Mark Twain said irreverence is the champion of liberty, if not its only defender. 1420 01:47:20,971 --> 01:47:25,340 That's why we're there. We're there to shake it up, and that's what we've gotta do. 1421 01:47:25,409 --> 01:47:29,573 How many of you think the educational system is working? 1422 01:47:29,647 --> 01:47:32,810 - (woman claps) Whoo-hoo! - One girl. Thank you. 1423 01:47:32,883 --> 01:47:36,250 - (high voice) "I learnt to read." - (laughter) 1424 01:47:36,320 --> 01:47:42,418 Do you realize that 40% of American high-school graduates think that Joan of Arc was Noah's wife? 1425 01:47:42,493 --> 01:47:47,157 So Tom Dobbs walked away from being the President of the United States. 1426 01:47:47,231 --> 01:47:52,760 OK, so he wasn't really elected, but if he hadn't told anyone... 1427 01:47:52,836 --> 01:47:54,326 (applause) 1428 01:47:54,405 --> 01:47:58,569 (Jack) Shortly thereafter, Tom Dobbs went back to his political comedy show. 1429 01:47:58,642 --> 01:48:00,940 I'm gonna get on the desk like Tom Cruise. 1430 01:48:01,011 --> 01:48:02,945 (Jack) He was biggerthan ever. 1431 01:48:14,123 --> 01:48:18,457 Everyone's gonna be writing about how honest you are, how straightforward. 1432 01:48:18,528 --> 01:48:22,396 I just hope your honesty doesn't undercut your irreverence. 1433 01:48:22,465 --> 01:48:26,629 I wanna do a show about gay farmers and call it "Cropsuckers." Is that offensive? 1434 01:48:26,703 --> 01:48:29,433 Not for me. 1435 01:48:33,009 --> 01:48:35,170 Nothing but the best. 1436 01:48:47,523 --> 01:48:49,457 (Eleanor) Yeah? 1437 01:48:54,497 --> 01:48:56,863 - Hey. - Hi. 1438 01:48:58,167 --> 01:49:00,964 Like some company? 1439 01:49:01,036 --> 01:49:03,334 I left the night-light on. 1440 01:49:04,339 --> 01:49:06,830 (Jack) Eleanor became his producer, 1441 01:49:06,908 --> 01:49:09,103 and close companion. 1442 01:49:09,177 --> 01:49:11,338 Lover. Later his wife. 1443 01:49:12,147 --> 01:49:15,913 The two Delacroy executives were arrested and later convicted 1444 01:49:15,984 --> 01:49:20,683 because Eleanor's theories on the computer glitch proved to be correct. 1445 01:49:20,756 --> 01:49:24,749 For those of you thinking of getting implants, there's something new to try. 1446 01:49:24,826 --> 01:49:27,852 A lot of people, they get the large ones. Those are lovely. 1447 01:49:27,929 --> 01:49:32,457 Do something new for your boyfriend. Put in a little squeaky toy. 1448 01:49:32,534 --> 01:49:35,094 It's about the same. We're pretty easily amused. 1449 01:49:35,170 --> 01:49:37,365 - (pants) - (laughter) 1450 01:49:37,439 --> 01:49:42,467 - You realize that's what it is for us. We're like cats. - (laughter) 1451 01:49:42,544 --> 01:49:48,073 Also, remember the best birth control, ladies. The best birth control and the cheapest is simply this. 1452 01:49:49,951 --> 01:49:54,478 (Jack) As for President Kellogg, he won against Mills in the reelection, 1453 01:49:54,555 --> 01:49:57,581 and in his second term was betterthan any of us expected. 1454 01:49:57,658 --> 01:49:59,717 Not great, but better. 1455 01:49:59,794 --> 01:50:03,457 Maybe Tom Dobbs had something to do with it. Who knows? 1456 01:50:03,531 --> 01:50:08,127 But I like to think that one thing does lead to another. 1457 01:50:08,202 --> 01:50:11,797 I'll remember this, ladies and gentlemen. It's an old phrase, 1458 01:50:11,872 --> 01:50:15,899 basically anonymous, but politicians are a lot like diapers. 1459 01:50:15,976 --> 01:50:21,676 They should be changed frequently and for the same reason. Keep that in mind when you vote. Good night. 1460 01:50:25,976 --> 01:50:46,676