(overlapping voices)
(woman) Stand by, lights, forcue one.
(man) Welcome to "The Tom Dobbs Show." Please have yourtickets ready forthe ushers.
(overlapping voices continue)
Please turn off all cell phones and pagers.
Take your seats, please. Tom Dobbs will speak to you before the show.
(man) This story might fall underthe heading of "one thing leads to another."
It started on August 20th.
At 7 p.m. Tom Dobbs, who had a successful cable show featuring political comedy,
was talking to the audience during the warm-up routine prior to the taping of his show.
Thanks for coming. This isn't the actual show. The cameras are pointing at nothing
and some critics have said that too.
But I'm just here to talk to you, warm up the audience, a little bit of foreplay.
- Sorry. - (laughter)
I'll back up now for harassment reasons.
The government said recently... Well, a lot of people said that we're cutting back spending.
But NASA actually spent $28 million
to develop a fountain pen to write upside down in space in zero gravity.
The Russians solved the same problem
(Russian accent) with five-cent pencil.
Very easy, writes upside down, zero gravity. After two cases of vodka, still writing.
If you have the GPS, be very careful. I bought a Mercedes recently with the talking GPS.
"Up ahead, take a right." I opened the door and the car went, "Are you Jewish?"
But soon all of your appliances will talk to each other.
You'll get on the scale and the scale will go, "Psst! I've talked to the microwave."
(laughter)
I notice many of you with little cell phones. Soon they'll get so small they'lljust be inside...
Hold on, I got a call. Hello.
- No, I'll make it louder. Hold on. - (laughter)
Wait a minute, I'm taking a picture.
Oh, wait. I got mail.
It was during a Q and A that a woman made a statement.
- Yes, ma'am. - Hi.
I feel so frustrated with the political system and my friends say the same thing all the time.
Maybe you should run for President.
(laughs)
The comment was quickly forgotten and minutes later the show got under way.
Senator, I think the public is pretty frustrated with the polarization of the parties
and lack of accountability.
It's crazy. A woman tonight said I should run for President.
(cheering)
Maybe I should.
Within three hours there were four million emails endorsing Dobbs for President.
Overthe course of the next week, Dobbs mentioned this four more times.
The internet was on fire.
Over eight million emails.
It was a grass-roots movement fueled by the power of the internet
and the cult of personality.
(woman) Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for your patience.
We have a great show for you tonight, so without any further ado...
(man) On September 2nd something very, very unusual happens.
Tomorrow I will officially announce my candidacy for President of the United States.
Did you write that? Where's the punch line?
Maybe it was sheer vanity, maybe it was a political stunt,
or maybe it was because Tom believed his audience demanded it. Who knows?
As Tom Dobbs'manager I was as shocked as everyone around me
and I wasn't exactly pleased.
Does this mean I'm out of a job?
Shortly thereafter, Tom Dobbs was on the ballot in 13 states.
That was part one of the unusual progression of events.
On the West Coast the second domino toppled over.
(TV) Voterconfusion...
Endless recounts...
Unreliable results...
Democracy held hostage.
In today's AMerica, technology empowers the public in nearly everything they do.
And now, voting with confidence.
Introducing the Delacroy voting system.
Congress decided that Delacroy Systems would have the national franchise
for computerized voting in the coming presidential election.
In hindsight, not one of their better decisions.
Forease of voting, speed and accuracy of vote.
It eliminates long lines and confusion at the polls.
(man) It was of course a majorcoup forthis Silicon Valley-based company.
When the dubbed versions come in I need to see the contracts.
Delacroy.
As C.E.O. Of Delacroy, James Hemmings lovingly watched his stock rise.
In the bowels of the building, something else was about to take place.
I got the ballot from San Mateo so I thought I'd run my own election
with the referendums, propositions and just add the candidates' names.
Why?
We've never run a configuration like this ballot, so I thought I'd give it a test drive.
Oh, God. I think I burned my lip.
It's like democracy on the head of a microchip.
Yes, but no matter how you slice it, it's what you're voting for and not how easy it is to vote.
Whether she was being diligent in her work,
whether she was obsessive-compulsive, or whether she didn't have a personal life, who knows?
But late that night she found something that seemed very wrong.
Mills, I voted for you three times as much as I voted for President Kellogg.
Why did the President win?
Like a good, dedicated employee, she sent an email to C.E.O. James Hemmings.
She wrote that something was wrong.
She used phrases like "a glitch in the system," "compatibility problem," things like that.
Hemmings read the email
and reacted as a C.E.O. Whose stock fortune was wrapped up in his newest enterprise.
If there really was a problem it was too late to correct it,
so he ignored the memo and hoped the problem would go away.
(Tom) I've read a lot of Op-Ed pieces recently saying that Tom Dobbs doesn't talk about the issues.
All right. I will address the issue.
The issue revolves around representation. The people of America are not being represented.
Our political leaders are too indebted to special-interest groups and party politics.
This country was founded on the principle
of government of the people, by the people, for the people.
We are the wealthiest nation in the history of the world,
we are the most powerful nation on this planet,
and yet we can't educate our own children.
- Thought that went pretty well. - Lincoln got more laughs at the Gettysburg Address.
Don't start.
Everybody Loves Raymond is doing huge numbers in reruns.
- Comedy sells. Can we remember that? - I don't want to get into this.
I don't care what you say, but say it with humor. These crowds expect it.
You give speech after speech, nothing's funny.
- They'll get funny when I'm back on the show. - It's too dry.
I came on the campaign to talk about issues.
There's no pop, zing. There's no oomph.
Remember the motto "It's no joke?" It's no joke!
Tom, can't you do just two jokes of mine?
You're a comedian who talks about politics. So when you talk about politics without the comedy,
it's like wanting to get laid and forgetting to bring along the woman.
You'll quickly discover something is missing.
We should have politicians who represent us and not special-interest groups.
Whenever they want to distract you they use weapons of mass distraction -
they bring up a constitutional amendment to ban burning of the flag.
By spending time in Congress talking about that,
you deny otherthings - education, environmental issues...
I'm here to talk tonight about political commercials.
That's where most of the money goes in any political campaign.
Politicians have to spend so much money just to buy TV time.
This is where the special-interest groups start.
When you have a political campaign that costs $200 million,
you owe someone something somewhere down the line.
That's why I refuse to run television commercials.
Just be entertaining. Look at it this way. Who would you rather have dinner with:
Richard Pryor in his prime, or Kofi Annan, the head of the U. N?
Tell me which dinner is gonna be more interesting.
If there's no candles, Richard.
But I'd like to be with Kofi just to say, "Coffee, Kofi?"
"What? Coffee, Kofi? Kofi, coffee?"
(~ "Political World"by Bob Dylan)
He's in the debate?
He's in the debate!
- Tom Dobbs is gonna be in the debate! - What?
They're gonna let him participate in the debate. Have we struck gold or what!
- Oh, my God! - We'll have to start writing.
We can write it, but is he gonna do any of it?
- Praise the internet! - 16 million emails spoke loud and clear!
(~ "Political World")
The following is a quote from ourdebate advisory standards;
"All candidates who demonstrate seriousness of purpose and significant support
"going into the final 30 days of an election
"should be included in debates." Unquote.
Yes!
Well, I fully agree with the debate committee's inclusion of Tom Dobbs.
He's by farthe strongest of the independents and I'm very much looking forward to the debate.
I'm more than confident of my decisions, my positions,
and my relationship with the voting public.
And my hair.
Oh...
I think the first thing you gotta do is say you have unconfirmed information
that the other candidates have had sex with farm animals.
It goes back to the Johnson thing.
President Johnson said he wanted to accuse his opponents of having sex with animals. OK?
His staffer said, "How can you prove that?"
He said, "I can't, but I wanna hear them deny it."
- Seriousness of purpose. - The debate is gonna be a night full of pomposity.
The air will be full of bullshit. They'll be thanking everyone, do all those niceties.
They'll thank their wives, children, all their campaign supporters.
This is our night to shine, Tom. This is the opportunity of a lifetime.
It's like the comic who gets to play Carnegie Hall but shows up and plays the violin.
It's not what they go to see.
How many analogies do you have left?
- How many does it take to make my point? - (laughter)
I didn't mean to yell.
You gotta cut loose. In this debate, get your show attitude in there.
Yeah, but may I reiterate?
They got me in because of my seriousness of purpose.
- That's why we're in this debate. - Serious talk puts us to sleep.
You wanna talk about a serious issue, nowadays people tune out.
Wait a second. Do you think anybody remembers the issues?
When there's a debate...
When was the last time any human being, any American, watched the debate and went:
- "Oh, God! Did you hear what he said?" - "I believe he talked about fiscal policy."
"Oh, my God! My eyes are open and I can hear again!"
All they remember is Nixon sweating like Elizabeth Taylor after a Mexican meal.
- That's not good. - (laughter)
I'm begging you, please. I'm like a man without water. An acerbic comment, would it kill you?
More and more people are watching your show, Jon Stewart, Bill Maher for news.
News from comedians. How crazy is that?
Let's move on. Alison, Jenny, your thoughts.
I hope this doesn't sound silly, but the other two candidates are family men.
OK? And, Tom, with all due respect, how are you gonna come off as family-friendly?
- Well, I could hold my mother's ashes. - (laughter)
I know, we'd lose a certain amount of people there. But Chicago, the dead vote.
She's right, Tom. As soon as the program starts and we see the candidates' wives in their red suits...
You mean I have to get married before the debate?
Campaign during the day, date at night. It's like some weird reality show.
It's not a bad idea really, is it? Part West Wing, part Bachelor. Hey, that's not bad.
Here's our first contestant. Your name, please?
Yes, my name is Rachel Tensions.
Yes, indeed, dear. Contestant No.2, your name?
My name is Miss Sogyny.
Yes, I thought he was really hot.
But when I found out about his radical environmental policy, I went, "Mm-mm."
I like a dirty environment, if you know what I mean.
I want a man who's not afraid to go in the wetlands and drill.
Deep drill, you know? Get down in the mud and take it home, daddy. That's how I feel.
It's a piece-of-shit idea that could work.
Yeah, but you're running...
You're running because the people wanted you to run.
Why do you think they wanted you to run? To listen to you talk about issues? Are you kidding me?
- I can barely listen to you talk about issues. - Have I not said this a hundred times?
In Chicago I'm doing the same thing I've been doing. That's how I got here.
I wanna keep doing it because I sense that'll work.
(~ "Hurdy Gurdy Man"by Donovan)
You gotta go to makeup, Tom.
Menken.
- Look at this. - It's like the circus.
- This is nuts. - When I was a kid, I was in the circus.
- No. - Yes. I used to shave elephants.
You started in the tent, you're back in the tent.
I'm not kidding. They grow these big beards. In the wild they rub it on trees.
In the circus you shave them with a blowtorch.
One of those pump things with gasoline. You throw it all over their face.
You gonna have coffee?
- Because I need it to stay awake. - Do you have any green tea?
- How long have you been smoking? - Since I was seven.
Since you were seven.
My father was a big smoker.
While President Kellogg and Senator Mills
have spent approximately $195 million apiece on the campaign for media advertising,
Tom Dobbs has not spent one cent.
He refuses to spend money on media, saying, "Candidates are not products."
Here's the very latest. Dobbs is running at about 17% in the 13 states where he's on the ballot.
- You want a beer or soda? - Soda, please.
...compared to a network show, he has been extremely influential in some smallercircles.
- We got some clips. Are they ready? - I TiVo all his shows.
Here's some excerpts.
Swedish carmaker Volvo has announced they are replacing air bags in their new sedans
- with breast implants. - (laughter)
The numberof rear-end collisions has increased 95% in Sweden.
A lot of guysjust like to bump theircar and see what happens.
Also Pope Benedict has mechanized the Swiss Guard
and said, "It's my choice. I do it forthe Church and forthe Fatherland."
You know, I didn't mention this at the time when he was chosen Pope.
I was always hoping in my own heart for a Brazilian Pope - Pope Raul-
just so you could have the nuns in the thong and the feathers. (sings)
I was thinking that would bring a lot of people back to the Church.
- You've got really great skin. - Thank you.
- A little bit of a tan. - Thanks. I went to a tanning salon.
I wanted to look like a Kennedy, but I think they set it on George Hamilton.
- George Hamilton. Doesn't he have a grill? - No, that's George Foreman.
You wanna get married? I need a wife before the debate.
- Interested? - Uh... I don't know, Mr. Dobbs.
We could find a nice house on Pennsylvania Avenue, nothing ostentatious.
Helicopter pad in the back, couple of thousand phone lines, staff of 60. Come on.
Are you nervous?
Why else would I propose to a woman I never met before?
- But you have your own TV show. - But on the show I ask the questions.
You've got two minutes, Tom.
Here we go.
Good evening. Welcome to this last presidential debate
between the majorcandidates for President of the United States.
The candidates are; the Democratic nominee, President Kellogg,
the Republican nominee, Senator Mills,
and forthe first time included in tonight's debate, the independent, Tom Dobbs.
My name is Faith Daniels and I'll be the moderator
- fortonight's 90-minute debate which is coming... - Cute.
- Cleavage. Is that legal? - Very cute.
The format has been agreed to by representatives of both the Republican and Democratic campaigns.
There is no subject matterthat's restricted.
As always, each candidate will have up to two minutes to make a closing statement.
The orderof those, as well as the formal questioning tonight, were decided in advance by drawing.
Gentlemen, again, good evening and welcome. Let's begin.
Mr. Dobbs, how would you explain yourdecision to run for President of the United States?
I decided to run because I'm fed up with party politics.
I'm tired of the Republican Party and of the Democratic Party.
- Edgy! - There's no real difference.
- It's a Mr. Potato candidate. - (laughter)
Basically, you have a thing here where, here's the operative word; party.
Behind closed doors, I think theyjust have a good time.
When you read the transcripts, some of the things your Secretary of Defense says,
- I think there must be an open bar somewhere. - (audience laughter)
The bottom line is, they've lost track of what they're responsible for.
They're responsible to the people, not party loyalties -
and definitely not lobbyists.
- That's why I want to run for President. - Not punchy enough.
- You have one minute remaining on yourtime. - Needs a little more flare.
- Can I get a refund? - We will continue.
Senator Mills, I'd like to ask you the same question.
First of all, thank you, Faith. And thank all of you who are responsible for having us here.
I'd also like to thank my wife and children, who have been very supportive of my candidacy.
- This guy smiles so much, it's upsetting me. - I thank all of those who made this possible.
And if I may reiterate some of the comments of Senator Mills
with respect to family, children, wives and immediate family,
and the enormously important role that they play in our failure or success -
and in my case, success;
- my love to them, my love to all of you who... - What?!
- He's talking about his wife and children. - Why's he running on? Who cares?
Thank you so much.
And that's why I have been a very rigorous advocate of tough security measures.
President Kellogg and I think alike in this area.
I am in total agreement, without equivocation,
that security measures have got to remain tough.
- (applause) - Thank you.
Mr. Dobbs, what would your position be on national security?
- Come on. - (Jack) Tom, go for it.
- Do it. - (Tom) Some of these measures are already tough.
If you've ever been through passport control, you stand in line with thousands of people,
eventually you get to an immigration officer who takes your passport.
He looks at your passport picture, looks back at you,
says, "Why did you have your haircut?" "I don't know."
They have a video camera that takes a picture and compares it to your previous picture.
They're very tough about that. They're very skeptical.
- He's got to make his move. - More oomph!
Meanwhile, at the southern borders of ourcountry, four million illegal aliens
are crossing the border with bedroom sets and night tables.
- Hit 'em again! - And we're trying to reenterthe country legally!
They ask you tough questions like, "Where have you been? Why?"
You start to doubt yourself. "I forgot why I was there."
"I guess it was pleasure. It was a vacation. I'm sorry, I took a vacation! I don't know why."
And then...
The next thing you know, they're patting down an 85-year-old lady in a walker.
Listen, if there's an 85-year-old lady in a walker and she'a terrorist,
- basically, game's over, folks. - (laughter)
And when they start to put on that rubberglove and look at me, I'm going, "OK..."
"Maybe we should have dinner first before we do this."
I'm saying let's have real security, notjust the illusion of security...
- Whoa! Yeah! - (Eddie) Oh, yeah! All right!
Oh!
- I... fully support hydrogen cars. - (Tom) But you're backed by oil companies.
- You'll have yourturn, Mr. Dobbs. - Sorry.
Some of my colleagues and I in the Senate have come up with an interesting strategy...
If you're in bed with oil companies, you can't talk about fuel efficiency.
- It's like being a kosher pig farmer. - He's getting angry.
- This is not yourtalk show. - And you're not on your private plane,
flying to the golf vacation you took with the heads of the majoroil corporations.
- Wow. - It's like something I never saw before.
Ordid you fly in in that lovely helium plane? Oh, that's a blimp, I'm sorry.
No smoking in the hydrogen... Boom! Hindenburg!
- Mr. Dobbs, please. - Of course he's for hydrogen.
It'll take 30 years to develop. Meanwhile, we haven't got any more fuel efficiency.
We're not exploring alternative fuels like methane - it's hard to hold that chicken overthe gas tank.
- Orethanol, which is basically fuel alcohol. - (Faith) Mr. Dobbs...
If you get stopped by the police, say, "My car's been drinking, not me!"
- Or maybe helium, 'cause if you have a helium car... - (applause)
If you have a helium car and you get rear-ended... (squeaky voice) "Hey, something's wrong!"
- (audience laughter) - (Faith) You have got to return to your podium.
- (Kellogg) Can we get some order here? - You talk about responsibility!
- Your Treasury Department lost $28 million! - (Faith) Please, return to your podium.
Tell me that you are not receiving major campaign finance contributions from oil companies.
- Boom! - I don't take kindly to you calling me a liar.
If this is a debate, you should answer questions honestly.
You should be accountable for who you are.
The voters should know what you represent,
and if you represent special-interest groups, we should be like NASCAR.
We'd be in the Senate with our suits on, and if you're backed by something,
it'd be like little patches like they wear in NASCAR.
"Vioxx - the backaches end, the heart attacks begin."
Put the big one on the back; "Enron - we take your money and run."
Smack down!
It's all about accountability...
We have a format that we have agreed upon. May I remind you...
- For God's sakes. We got some real trouble here. ...and the airlines...
Faith, can you... Faith, can you hear me?
Can you get control of this, please? Get control of this!
We deal in weapons of mass distraction. They push your buttons.
He's talking about hydrogen fuel. He wants an amendment to the Constitution on flag-burning.
It's an emotional issue! They talk about the desecration of the flag,
but if you go online right now, you can buy flag underwear!
- (audience laughter) - Wow!
You can see an old lady wearing a flag thong and go, "Grandma, don't tell me where Old Glory is!"
(audience laughter)
- It's all about distractions! - Mr. Dobbs...
No, no, Mr. Kellogg. Mr. Kellogg wants to pass an amendment against same-sex marriage!
Anybody who's ever been married knows it's always the same sex!
- Mr. Dobbs! - They don't know what to do.
- What's up with that? - Mr. Dobbs!
It's a distraction! They point over here, they point overthere - they want you not to know.
You don't want an amendment to the Constitution on burning the flag. Make it out of asbestos!
- Please do not make a mockery of this. - Let someone else speak, Mr. Dobbs.
- Return to your podium. - It was a mockery a long time before I came.
(audience applause)
Now we got applause. This is wonderful.
We're absolutely out of control.
- $200 billion, you could buy a few books! - Mr. Dobbs!
It's hard to say how voters will react to Dobbs -
either he's a hot dog orthe genuine article.
He did make some issues come home to people, and if he could actually follow through,
he may have scored points.
Good point. But this wasn'tjust funny in the abstract,
it was very pointed and very to the point.
He was making political points through his comedy, and it was incredible entertainment.
How good the politics is, we'll have to wait and see.
It's going to be difficult to assess how the American public will respond
to the level of undisciplined behavior Tom Dobbs exhibited.
- I'm feeling good. Almost euphoric. - Jack. Excuse me.
Can you go see Tom right away? He thinks he screwed up.
Yeah, I'm euphoric, he thinks he screwed up!
(Jack) Who gives a shit what talking heads think? Different is good.
When I first saw you, I liked you because you were different, new.
You talked too fast - couldn't understand you half the time - but you were fresh.
These politicians today look like they're borrowed from the wax museum.
They're already in their suits, waiting to be buried.
You wanna be like them? Waste of time - you wanna be different.
All bets are off.
You're a good candidate, Tom - as loony as that seems - but... (groans)
What?
...you could be... an even better one.
Are you all right?
- What's wrong? - I'm just a little short of breath.
(siren)
- (groans) - Let's get you to the hospital.
It's his emphysema. He has a problem with the enlargement of his heart, but he's stable.
There seems to be a link between smoking and heart disease. Or am I just making that up?
Lt'll be the first time I'll be in front of an audience without him.
You do what you did tonight and things could get really interesting.
(laughs)
The old bastard's right. Look at that. You gotta be different to make an impression.
I'm shaking it up there.
Forget trying to be presidential. You end up looking like them - another stiff in a suit.
I gotta play my game.
They thought I was wild in the debate? Watch me in the next two weeks.
I'm back.
How do you answer the allegations that you were arrested for smoking marijuana?
I definitely was, yes. I did inhale, because I thought, "What the hell? I'll inhale it."
- You're not denying these charges? - Not at all. I was 25, I was stoned.
- Do you think it'll affect the campaign? - You wanna know my history?
When I was a young boy, I used to look at pictures of naked ladies. Hence, my right hand is very strong.
At 17 years old, I beat up a guy.
When I was 21, I went to a prostitute. I was so bad, she gave me a refund.
I once had a blind date that I left in the theater. I felt so bad, I married her.
That's my ex-wife, who I am not on good terms with. I just farted a little while back there.
If you find any other nonsense you'd like to talk about, I'll be glad to discuss it.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's now time for the campaign.
It's gonna be a whole new ball game, so brace yourselves, people.
- (Tom) Are you tired of the Democratic Party? - (cheering)
- Are you tired of the Republican Party? - (cheering)
- Are you tired of a Congress that does nothing? - (cheering)
Are you tired of having twice as many lobbyists as they've ever had before?
(cheering)
Then I... I have an idea: Don't vote for the congressmen or senators.
You don't have to vote. Know how we're gonna pick 'em?
- (crowd) No! - The same way we pick a jury.
You'll get a more interesting cross section than the folks you got right now. I guarantee it.
- Do you want a better healthcare system? - (cheering)
You have an HMO that says, "We'll give you Viagra, but we won't pay for glasses."
You can have a hard-on, but you can't see where to put it.
- We're gonna change it, aren't we? Yeah! - Yeah!
We're not just talking liberal or conservative - big-time change.
Recently, a lot of the past administrations said it's unpatriotic to question the government.
If it was unpatriotic to question the government, we'd still be English!
The Boston Tea Party wasn't people going, "Oh, hello."
It was a lot of guys in Boston going, "Here's your tea, right here!"
~ I'm tired of the Democratic Party I'm tired of the Republican Party
We're talking about freedom of speech. And freedom of religion -
practicing any religion you want, anytime, anywhere.
You could be Bewish - Jewish and Buddhist. You sit and you wait for things to go on sale.
We're talking about freedom of religion. Occasionally, religion crosses over.
You have people saying, "You must teach intelligent design."
Look at the human body. Is it intelligent? I find it more interesting.
You have a waste-processing plant next to a recreation area.
They attack environmentalists: "You're a tree-hugger."
I go, "No, I've done more than hug a tree."
"If you find the right naughty pine, you're gonna have a good night."
"Who's your woodsman? Who's your woodsman?"
I'm not just a tree-hugger, I'm an air-breather. I'm sorry.
It's bad enough with the squirrels going... (nasally) "Please help me. I can't breathe today."
If you put enough chemicals in the water, you'll be fishing, going: "I love catching two-headed bass."
"They're good eating once you get past the tumors."
~ I'm tired of the Democratic Party Now I'm tired of the Republican Party
That's why we're here - 'cause you want change! Yeah!
You wanna shake it up! You have to be eyes wide open, ready to move on!
Arm in arm, hand in hand, everybody together,
moving forward, because the future is now!
(~ "Bohemian Like You"by the Dandy Warhols)
Oh, yeah!
Yeah!
(woman) You're the greatest!
- Thank you. - You sure you don't want one of us to drive?
- It's eight hours back to Chicago. - I just wanna be alone with my Barry White tapes.
Uh, Tom, the doctors say that Jack's pretty weak, so he could doze off before all the results are in.
What's new? He used to do that during my act!
Hey, pick up a couple of cartons of cigarettes for Menken. They're cheaper on the road.
You're so thoughtful.
- It's my middle name. - Compassion.
(woman on radio) Exit polls are very close.
Kellogg and Mills are running about even, with Dobbs at around 17% of the vote.
(~ "My Culture"by Robbie Williams)
As you can see, President Kellogg is winning by a small margin over Senator Mills in Rhode Island,
Connecticut and Massachusetts.
But in all three states, the numbers are very close.
See the numbers? The computer glitch is happening the same way.
It looks as if Delaware now is going to President Kellogg by a very close margin.
- What do you mean, it's not computing right? - Something's wrong.
(man on radio) An unusual turn of events in Virginia; with now 87% of the vote in,
comedian Tom Dobbs is leading.
That will surprise more than a few of the experts.
The Dobbs numbers have been increasing since the last debate.
Most of the polls had him with 10 to 11%.
So, if this vote holds true in Virginia,
Dobbs is going to surprise a lot of people.
Yeah! (chuckles)
Ding-dong!
- Ready for your pina colonic? - What are you doing here?
Thought I'd spend the evening with someone who gets on my nerves.
- How about Virginia? - Virginia's OK, but Debbie... Such a slut!
A little intensive care package here. Red wine.
- A good month. - Yes.
OK. A little cheese and pate - always good after a heart attack.
Sit.
Comedian Tom Dobbs has won New Jersey as well as Virginia,
a blue and a red state,
which indicates that his message cuts across political lines.
It's gonna be interesting.
You're not gonna win this election, but at least you didn't go gently into the good night.
From all the signs tonight, that Delacroy voting system has worked extremely well.
We're not hearing anything about long lines at the booths orother snafus.
It seems that this has probably straightened out some of those voting problems of the past.
(~ "John the Revelator"by Depeche Mode)
- Excuse me. - Hey, Eleanor.
- Have you looked at these numbers? - Yeah. Yeah.
I emailed you. I told you I thought there was something wrong with the system.
- I was told the glitch was limited to my computer. - Yeah.
What? Are you calling me a liar?
No. All I'm saying is, these numbers, these results, this is what I mentioned to you in my email.
- Why did you decide to test the system? - I don't know.
- Why'd you need to run a test at such a high count? - I don't know.
If you found a system error, how were we gonna fix it?
- I'm not sure. - Look into your soul and ask yourself this:
Why would you test the computer at such limits with so few days left to fix a problem if you found one?
I... was just double-checking.
Do you want to destroy this company? Because that's what you may do.
You understand the ramifications. Do you want to put over 1,000 employees out of work?
- Do ya? - But the election will be a fraud.
Here it is: The people are voting, there is an election, the democratic process is working.
The only sour note? They won't end up with the person that they voted for to be the President.
But we can celebrate the process. The democratic process which we hold so dear will have worked.
Everybody's gonna be satisfied.
Unless somebody discloses indiscriminately, willy-nilly.
It will appear democracy is in the shithouse, and by tomorrow Delacroy will be nonexistent.
- Now, was that your motive? - No.
America votes, a leader is chosen.
But one thing could disturb this beatific vision.
I... I just want to be truthful.
Perception of legitimacy is more important than legitimacy itself. That's the greater truth.
Don't fuck with our democracy. Don't undermine our way of life.
Every American believes their vote counts. Now you wanna tell them that's not true?
But the results of the election will be wrong! One candidate will win because of computer error.
- How do we know that? - I'm telling you!
Based on what? Guessing. Listen, this is your project, Eleanor.
If you wanna tinker with it for a future election, it's not only your prerogative, I encourage you.
The Delacroy voting system is your baby. You're a perfectionist and you wanna make it more perfect,
but do it alone and with an eye to the future,
because it is the future that interests us.
Now is the past.
As I understand it, there's no problem.
(exhales)
And?
And...
(~ "I Try"by Macy Gray over PA)
- I tell you, they seem to like this guy Dobbs. - Oh, Danny, please.
- So this is all part of the same computer error? - Yes.
I'm going home.
Well, I don't know if she's enrolled in the program, I'll tell you that.
What does my legal counsel suggest, then?
I'm gonna make a phone call.
(news anchor) There was some research done saying more and more people
are getting their political news from Leno, Letterman, Jon Stewart, Tom Dobbs and Bill Maher
more than from newspapers and actual news programs.
There you go. My thoughts exactly.
You're kidding me? Aw, come on!
It should be on the news any minute. It looks like we're gonna take North Carolina!
What? And Indiana? You're sure?
Oh, this is so insane. Insanity, it's sweet insanity!
- (news anchor) And Indiana goes to Dobbs. - (cheering)
It'sjust been confirmed that comedian Tom Dobbs has won Arizona.
If I'm correct, comedian Tom Dobbs has won every state where he's been on the ballot.
Comedian Tom Dobbs wins the Sunshine State.
So New York wants a comedian as President.
Comedian Tom Dobbs... (overlapping) Another big win for Dobbs.
With 99% of the vote in, comedian Tom Dobbs has won Texas.
The funnyman has conquered the Lone Star State.
According to my calculations, comedian Tom Dobbs has got 146 electoral votes right now. He's got 'em.
There are five more states to be counted where he's on the ballot, out of the 13 to be counted.
And it's possible, if he takes all five states,
that could put Dobbs overthe top of the 270 needed.
I believe I've got my figures correct, but it's a possibility - not a likely possibility, but it's a possibility.
This is the happiest night of my life...
and I can't stay awake.
Ourexit polls have only in some cases proven accurate.
- Perhaps voters are keeping their voting choices... - (clattering)
...close to the vest.
Now, Senator Mills has very strong numbers, but not strong enough to beat President Kellogg.
In fact, the incumbent has beaten Senator Mills in every state where they've been going one-on-one.
(TVcontinues in background)
...they are still confident of an election victory.
Tom Dobbs has been gaining momentum since the debate.
Now, right afterthe debate, there was a mixed reaction,
but what we've seen since then is that the public apparently sees him as a candidate forchange.
He has been formidable, as we've seen in these numbers...
(Eleanor sighs)
We are now going to go live back to Election Central, where Chris Matthews is standing by. Chris?
Hold on to your hats, folks.
Tom Dobbs...
(muffled cries)
Comedian Tom Dobbs is the next President of the United States.
(TVnews theme)
At 01;23 East Coast time,
comedian Tom Dobbs has been elected President of the United States.
The free world will now be led by a comedian.
Mr. President? Donald Tilson, Secret Service. I'll be taking over.
You don't find this a little bit absurd?
Thanks for your honesty.
Always been a big fan of your work, sir.
Jack, you're the manager of the President of the United States.
Comedy Store to the White House.
(woman on TV) We must look into computer fraud.
I mean, we've had problems in other states - Florida, Ohio, elsewhere -
where it's not only questions of malfunction but also questions of legitimacy.
Are these computers hackable?
There isn't a papertrail. It's not the way the Delacroy system is set up. Congress knew that.
Let's face it, the reality is a comedian was elected President of the United States.
Case closed, end of discussion.
(sirens)
Any thoughts as to the makeup of your cabinet?
I looked at the IKEA catalog and didn't see anything I liked,
but I'm hoping for a dark walnut with a nice veneer. That'd be lovely.
What was your vice president's response?
Shocked as the rest of us. " Guess I'll have to clear my calendar for the next four years."
- Can we get back to questions of the cabinet? - Certainly.
It will be diverse and include Republicans and Democrats
and people of no party affiliation. I want diversity.
I believe democracy is a collision of ideas. I'm not of the school that if you're not for us you're against us.
That being said, if I had my druthers, I'd love an all-lesbian cabinet.
It'd be fun to think about what they're doing behind closed doors.
Thank you, everyone. We're on our way to Washington. Wish us luck.
It'll be an adventure, and you're all part of it.
- Hello? - Hey, Ellie. Sorry, I didn't see you there.
Well, maybe if you paid a little more attention instead of daydreaming.
- Sorry. Just give me a cappuccino, please. - Sure.
- Hey, Angus. Cappuccino. - Can't you see he's busy getting mine right now?
- I was just giving him my order. It's not a big deal. - It's not a big deal.
Well, apparently it is, 'cause this is taking forever.
- It's forever. - Hold your horses.
- Hey, Angus, do you have any of those cookies I like? - God, can you please just let me get my cappuccino?
OK.
(under breath) Didn't realize you were such a bitch.
Anytime during this millennium would be terrific.
Thanks.
- Cappuccino? - Yes. Thanks.
Oh! Ow. Ow.
Oh... shit.
Shit. Shit.
- Let me give you a hand. - I got it.
- Just let me take care of it for you. - I got it. I got it!
- It's no... - I got it!
I got it.
OK.
I got it. I got it. I got it.
- Who stole my purse? - Ellie. Ellie, it's right here.
Did you empty out my purse?
- Did you touch my things? - No!
You touched my things.
- I can't believe you touched my things. - Ellie, I didn't...
You touched my things. What is wrong with you?
He went through my things!
Dammit.
I made a mess. I've made a mess.
I've made such a mess. I've made such a mess.
- But it's my mess! It's my mess and I'll clean it up. - OK.
I'm gonna clean up my mess.
(mutters to herself)
It's my mess. It's my mess.
(woman) Ellie? Do you want me to get some help?
- My mess. - (woman) Can someone call 911?
We have a deadline. In terms of appointments,
there are roughly 7-8,000 slots to be filled, 1500 of which will require Senate confirmation.
7-8,000? Do we know that many incompetent people?
Well, in LA, maybe.
Oh, and over 400 just for core White House staff.
We have to announce 14 cabinet secretary positions, or at least float some of your possible choices.
Well, just off the top of my head, I was thinking Bruce Springsteen as Secretary of State.
- Joke. - Little one. Little joke.
Sorry. I'm just a little nervous, guys. I do care.
Phew, hope this works.
Oh, it'll work. I think.
(applause)
Thank you. Sorry I'm late - my horse pulled up lame.
Thank you. Nice tie.
President-elect Tom Dobbs paid an impromptu visit to Congress
and, literally, brought down the House with laughter.
As word spread quickly, more and more members of Congress left theiroffices
to see Dobbs'costumed visit firsthand.
That reception was extraordinary. I will try and be brief, 'cause I know Tuesday's bingo day in Congress.
It should be duly noted, Chairman,
that this not a scheduled visit, it is not on the docket fortoday, it's not really official,
so no rules have been violated, it'sjust our little secret
- between you, me and the world media. - (laughter)
I also have some disturbing news.
I took a poll, and one third of Congressmen and women thought this was still the present fashion.
Otherthird thought I looked like former first lady Barbara Bush...
I'm looking at the toxology report. It's overwhelming.
She's got Benzedrine, morphine, codeine, cocaine, GHB, Talwin.
Historians have written that our founding fathers were brilliant and courageous men,
but they sometimes made difficult decisions, sometimes had to pass unpopular legislation.
What will they think about us 200-and-some years from now? What will they write about this Congress?
Will they say that you're brave and brilliant? Courageous?
Will your legacy be as extraordinary as theirs?
We have a lot to live up to.
I think we can do it. I know we can do it.
You can't just say it didn't happen.
When have you ever known me to ever take any kind of drugs?
I'm even afraid of NyQuil.
I got a promotion. They're sending me to Ireland.
- Oh, Danny. - What?
They're just trying to pay you off.
They just don't want you talking about the computer problems.
Gotta let people know the election's a fraud.
- Do you think anybody'll believe you? - Sure. Why not?
Maybe because you flipped out and you're in a hospital and you've been doing drugs?
- I don't do drugs. - Cocaine...
I don't do drugs. I don't do drugs. I don't.
Who believes you? Who's gonna believe you?
...innercities, infrastructure, environmental issues - that's what's before us.
He will.
(GPS) Turn left.
(Eleanor) OK.
- Talk to me, baby, talk to me. - Drive 0.4 miles, then turn left.
OK.
(Eleanor) FBI. FBI.
FBI.
(Jack) I am now the manager of the president-elect of the United States.
15% of the President's salary is nothing compared to what Dobbs normally makes on a yearly basis.
This is a monetary sacrifice I am willing to make
since I am now the first show business manager ever to handle a president.
(~ "They Can't Take That Away From Me")
Oh, I wish I could walk.
Oh, man.
Happy birthday, Mr. Menken.
Eleanor Green, FBI.
Hi. Eleanor Green, FBI.
- Everything all right? - Oh, just fine.
Just fine.
I'm just here just making sure everything's secured.
I probably shouldn't have introduced myself. I'm sorry.
No, you have to.
- Anyway, happy birthday again. - Again? Did another year just pass?
- I taught Tom everything he knows about comedy. - Except how to be funny.
- I can see that. - A put-down from the FBI.
No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it...
Please. It's all right. He's only annoying when he's happy.
It's an old Irish tradition.
- You wanna dance? - I don't dance.
(Jack) They didn't teach you to dance at the FBI? J. Edgar Hoover was a wonderful dancer.
Fat, but light on his feet.
Could we just talk and not move?
Sure.
So, what do you do when you're not pretending to be an FBI agent?
- It's that apparent? - Yeah.
You're not concerned? Me crashing the party?
Please. I've played in clubs for years.
Had to deal with drunks, hecklers, and angry waitresses, one of which is my ex-wife.
I have an eye for that and you wouldn't be on my dangerous list.
Good. That's good.
Yeah. Besides, Secret Service already flagged you and I said you were OK.
- Too fast? - No, I'm fine.
No, I'm...
So, what do you really do?
Um...
Well, I-I did work for Delacroy Voting Systems.
But they had... cutbacks.
I... Laid off.
Laid off? I thought they were making the big bucks. That's weird.
Well, it was a small cutback, actually.
It was a very small cutback, actually. Just me.
Oh, so would "fired" be more appropriate than "cutback"?
- Well, if you wanna be picky... - Oh, picky.
...with words, then yes,
then I guess fired...
fired would be it.
May I ask why?
- Oh, none of my business. - It is.
Look, you're having such a good time. I don't wanna spoil it.
You have to do the birthday toast now.
OK, I'll be right there. Yeah.
Listen. We're staffing up right now and...
- Staffing up? - Yeah.
(whispers) Tom. 60 seconds. OK.
- Oh, staffing up? No, that's not what I meant. - OK.
- That's not why I'm here. - That's all right. This is my personal cell.
And, you know, if you need anything, you call. OK?
(cheering)
(Tom) Yeah! Yes, indeed!
To Jack Menken, a man who once said:
"If Mama Cass had shared a sandwich with Karen Carpenter, they both would be alive today."
I... I'm sorry.
He's so sensitive, someone once asked, "What do you think of gay marriage?"
And he said, " I think gays have a right to be just as miserable as the rest of us."
To Jack Menken, an incredible human being.
- A great manager. - A great manager.
- Made you a star. - (Tom) Mm-hm.
(Eddie) Made you the President, and by doing so has put me out of work.
God bless him. God bless Jack Menken!
(~ "Black Horse & The Cherry Tree" by KT Tunstall)
(phone rings)
- (Eleanor) Danny, hi. - Hey. Where the hell are you?
(Eleanor) Are you alone? This is yourcell phone?
- (Danny) Yeah, why? What's going on? - Paranoid, I guess.
I got a chance to meet him. Dobbs.
(Danny sighs)
You didn't tell him, did you? I mean...
No, but he should know, don't you think?
Let it go. Nothing good can possibly come from revealing what happened.
Is anyone trying to figure out what happened with the system?
I don't know. You know, it's not the sort of thing that I'd hear about.
They'd be going through the private channels for that sort of thing. You know how that goes.
Ellie?
Good night, Danny.
- James Hemmings' office. - Yes, is Mr Hemmings in? This is Tom Dobbs.
- Just a minute. - Mm-hm?
It's a Tom Dobbs. Is that the Tom Dobbs, President-Elect Dobbs?
- Well, did you ask? - No. I was too embarrassed to.
All right.
- James Hemmings. - James. Tom Dobbs, president-elect.
Uh... yes, sir. Yes, of course.
I know this is a little out of the ordinary, but did you have an employee named Eleanor Green?
Uh, yeah. Um... Is something wrong?
(Tom) I need some information. Strictly confidential, just between you and me.
Yeah, well... I mean, well, you know, where do I begin?
I know that she was fired by Delacroy.
Mm. Uh, look, I'm a little confused. Is she...
- is she applying for a job with you? - No.
Did you meet with her personally?
Yes. That's how I knew that she was a Delacroy employee and that she was fired.
- Yeah. Yeah. Did she add to that? - Add what?
Did she mention that she had a bad drug problem? She had a breakdown here.
- She had to be hospitalized. - No, she didn't mention that.
(Hemmings) I'm surprised she's there. She should be in drug rehab.
That's weird. She doesn't seem like the type.
Do you know how I might reach her?
- I guess we both have a problem in that area. - Yeah. Yeah.
Look, if I hear anything I'll contact you.
Delacroy Systems has completed a deal with the European Common Market
which will invest in theircomputer voting system.
With this announcement, Delacroy stock hasjumped 37% on the Big Board.
(cheers) Come on!
S.
- (host) Yeah, there are two of them. - All right.
- 900. - (man) N.
(host) Yeah, two N's. That'll get you on the board with $1800.
- 800. - (woman) L?
(host) Yeah, there are two of them. Got almost $3,000 in that kitty.
(woman) I'd like to buy a vowel. I'd like to buy an I.
(host) Well, there are two I's.
- It'd be a good time to find a letterortwo. - (woman) M.
(host) Orthree. Yes.
Double G's before double L's.
Double B's before double G's.
Yes! Yes!
Double G's before double L's.
Double B's before double G's.
It's alphabetical.
OK. You mean to tell me that we didn't shut down her access when we let her go?
- Evidently not. - That's smart.
Her ID's showing up in the log. She's been in the mainframe, poking around the code depository.
- Do we know where she is? - Not yet, but we will.
- What's the matter? - You know. I'm unhappy.
You're unhappy about what?
- What do you think I'm unhappy about? - You agreed to play the turkey.
- I never agreed. - It's not a big deal. All you do is cluck.
First of all, we don't cluck, we gobble, OK? And if it's not such a big deal, why don't you be the turkey?
- You want me to be the turkey? - Yeah, come on.
- You want me to be the turkey? - Yeah.
- (phone rings) - Tom here.
- Hi. - Eleanor, is that you?
- Yes. - How do you turn the music down?
We're having a little post-Thanksgiving outing. Can I pick you up?
An outing? No, I-I had something I had to tell you.
Good, good. Give me an address.
Eleanor! We're going paintballing.
I brought you some camouflage and thermals 'cause it's gonna be cold up there. Follow me, men.
- What? - (Tom) Cold.
I can't believe it.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
- Are you all right? - No!
- I'm out. - Well, thank God.
I'm out of ammo!
(Eleanor screams)
The president-elect's just been shot.
He's dead. Let's go round them up.
What a pleasant way to spend the day, huh? Killing your friends?
That's all the exercise I'm ever gonna need.
- Did that hurt? - Yeah. Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Hey.
Tom, could I talk to you for a minute?
Sure. We have to walk away from those who have listening devices.
(laughs)
Um... do they have listening devices?
No, they can't hear. Well, they hear each other, but not us.
OK.
Um...
Because I haven't been...
uh...
I haven't been forthright with you about certain things.
Maybe "forthright"...God.
Forthright isn't the word I'm looking for.
Maybe I haven't disclosed enough, and that really isn't easy for me, especially now that I know you...
I mean, OK, I don't know you. I mean, I know you...
No, I know you because you're Tom Dobbs, I know you, but I don't really know you...
You got a lot of setup here. You don't need that much.
It's too much of a lead-in. Just the punch line.
- You're going to be President of the United States. - Yeah.
- Maybe that's not so bad. - I hope.
Oh, God. Oh, God. I worked at Delacroy and I worked so hard, and I cared.
I cared so much, and I am so full of guilt.
I can make this a lot easier for you.
What do you mean? How?
- Well, I called Hemmings at Delacroy. - What?
Yeah. Well, you know, I wanted to find you. I remember you said you worked at Delacroy.
I wanted to see you.
- You did? - Mm-hm.
- You wanted to see me. - Yeah.
Wow.
- God. That's good. - Well, good. Well, good, not so good.
- No, it's good. - Well, he told me about your drug problem and...
Oh, no. No, no, no. I don't have a drug problem.
- It's all right. - Tom, I do not have a drug problem.
- It doesn't bother me. - I hate to interrupt,
but the Secret Service wants you outta here by dark.
By the way, drug dealers have this place booked until dawn.
I didn't tell him. He's just making a joke. We'll talk about it later, honestly. It's OK.
- There's no drug problem. - That's all I need to know.
- There's a lot to discuss here. - Yeah. I think...
That just doesn't look clear to me. Another 30 minutes?
- Yeah, maybe. - The wing is...
Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. We may have a problem here.
- I like it crispy. I like a nice crunchy skin. - I know, Menken. I know you do.
- Just wanna make myself heard. - Uh-huh.
- I'm a producer. I've produced a lot of turkeys. - Yes, you have.
Look at this old C-SPAN. Congress is in session and no one's there.
Harkin's speaking about an amendment to a budget bill. It's empty.
How do you get people in their seats? It's crazy.
- They have things to do. - Like?
Like, hello, they've got lobbyists to deal with. They've got trips the lobbyists have sent them on.
They've gotta go do TV shows to explain to people what they're not doing while they're not there.
This makes golf look like porn.
Shouldn't you be giving that up?
Did you know there were once ads
that said four out of five doctors recommend this brand or that brand?
Come on. You're kidding me.
- Doctors used to recommend cigarettes? - Said they were good for you.
There was one slogan before my time:
"Not a cough in the carload."
It's a little too late now.
I'm sorry.
(whistling)
You like our Tom Dobbs, do you?
Unfortunately, I do.
I see that.
(~ "La Mer"by Charles Trenet)
- I have to talk to you in private. - Now?
- Yes. - OK.
Thanks.
You've got a great group.
Ellie, whatever your problem is...
What? You can fix my problem?
Is this the president-elect speaking or just Tom Dobbs the comedian?
- Just Tom Dobbs. - Good.
Because Tom Dobbs is not the elected President of the United States. There. I've said it. Kill me.
It's true.
There was a problem with the computer voting system.
I tried to warn them. It's that error that's made you the next President of the United States.
- I didn't win? - Not even close.
- What do you want me to do? - I don't know.
I had to say it. I've been living with this. I just had to tell you.
- Do you want to go public with this? - I can't.
I could, but nobody would believe me. Not anymore.
But somebody has to know. Somebody. At least you.
I mean, I don't know. Look, I don't know.
Maybe it is best that you're the next President of the United States even if they didn't vote for you.
Out of curiosity...
- did you vote for me? - No.
I don't vote. To be honest with you, I don't vote.
Politicians will say anything in the world to get elected. Maybe I'm jaded.
Honestly, I didn't even think you had a chance.
I know it's ironic I'm talking like I'm concerned. I don't even vote.
I'm gonna talk this over with Menken. Come on, I want you with me. Come with me.
- No, I can't. - Why not?
- Tom, I can't! - Why?
I had to tell you. You do with it what you want.
Happy Thanksgiving.
(Jack) Is something wrong?
You guys have a fight?
She knows a lot about computers. More than you ever wanna know, really.
Should I be impressed?
It's improbable, me winning the election.
Well, Mark Twain once wrote, "The only difference between reality and fiction
"is that fiction needs to be credible."
We are, my friend, in uncharted waters.
She just told me I didn't win the election.
Whoops.
Computer malfunction.
- She knows this? For sure? - Yeah.
She tried to warn the Delacroy Company and they hid it. Bad for business.
- You don't believe her, do you? - I do. It's true.
I always thought the TV Nielsen ratings were full of shit, but this?
It's hard to believe that many people watched JAG.
I never met anybody who'd say, "Hey, did you see JAG last night?"
Don't believe her so quickly, Tom.
- She knows what she's talking about. - That's debatable.
So... what's she gonna do?
Nothing. She left it up to me.
Leaving it to you. Well, Delacroy's not gonna say anything, and she's not gonna say anything, so...
there's no problem.
- No problem? - We move on.
- Oh, like nothing happened? - Something like that.
If you tell a joke and it stinks but you put a laugh track over it, the joke still stinks.
I'm President, but not really.
This is where we are. You wanna throw it away or go for it?
I never told you which gigs to take, I only advised,
but to me this decision is a slam dunk.
Yeah.
(phone rings)
Tom?
Eleanor, tomorrow at 11 o'clock I'm gonna have a press conference
and tell the American people that I'm not the legitimate President of the United States.
I'm so sorry.
I-I'll call you tomorrow, OK?
Danny, I told him.
Why did you tell him?
I had to. And now I hate myself.
(Danny) Does he believe you?
(Eleanor) He's calling a press conference at 11 tomorrow. He's gonna make the whole thing known.
(Danny) Oh, shit. Look what you did.
(Eleanor) I wish I hadn't told him.
I mean, I know I did the right thing. I know I did the right thing. It was the right thing to do.
And yet... And yet...
m-m-maybe I've done the wrong thing, and how can that possibly be?
I mean, did I do the right thing ordid I do the wrong thing?
I know it's the right thing to do, so why do I feel like this?
(click)
We've got to preempt his press conference.
And very early tomorrow morning.
- Press conference set up? - Uh, yeah. What the hell's going on?
OK.
Jack? Jack?
Got a reporter says Delacroy's going to make a major announcement.
Some big story, something to do with Eleanor Green.
(man) This is what we got going on today.
They're called the Witches of November. A storm from the Great Lakes.
That's going to spread one to three inches of snow right across the D.C. Area.
I don't think there's any more than that, not a lot of moisture here.
It's a pretty closed-up system, and it's gonna move up quickly...
(dramatic music)
(man) We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this breaking news.
We have some dirty laundry that needs to be addressed.
Recently Delacroy had to dismiss an employee, Eleanor Green,
who was suffering severe psychological problems. We made an effort to get her medical help,
and subsequently discovered that she was heavily involved in the use of barbiturates and cocaine.
We would have kept this private, but additional facts concerning Miss Green have come to light.
We have evidence that Miss Green manipulated the prototype of ourcomputer voting system.
(phone rings)
- Tom here. - Turn on the television.
- What channel? - Any channel.
Her motives aren't quite clearto us,
apart from the fact that she seemed obsessed with Tom Dobbs,
to the degree that she actually tried to corrupt the computer system to get him elected.
We also know that the president-elect has been seen in her presence recently,
but let me make this clear- we are not suggesting any impropriety on behalf of the president-elect.
- Pull over. - We are a family at Delacroy.
We have an extensive healthcare program.
Lots of people have psychological problems, mental problems, health problems of one kind or another.
It's not something you sweep under the rug, you gotta talk about it.
We believe that strongly, and we make our best effort to find out about it as soon as possible and give help.
The good news is, all the computer voting systems installed in polling stations remained secure.
Therefore, there were no irregularities in the election and our safeguards proved to be impenetrable.
And that's all the information that we have at this time. I'll take any questions now, if you got 'em. Yes?
Take a look at this. Take a look at this. Perfect, just perfect.
She's a piece of work, huh? Flipped out in the company cafeteria, on all sorts of drugs.
Clearly a mental case. Hospital said she had more pills in her than a pharmacy.
I believe her.
She didn't seem that crazy.
You're in love with her. She could tell you Gandhi ate hot dogs and you'd believe her. Take a look at this.
If what she says is true, I'm really not the president-elect.
"Lf" is becoming a very large word.
Did you forget the first time we met her, she said she was working for the FBI?
She said she knew about the computer fraud, but takes three weeks to tell you.
"By the way, you're not the President. Happy Thanksgiving."
If she's not psychotic she's a stalker, and if she's not a stalker she's a CIA operative.
- Or maybe, just maybe, she's a succubus. - What's that?
A succubus is some sort of a demon that sucks the life out of healthy men.
I was once a healthy man.
What are you talking about? Please, please stop.
Don't get off track.
Can I get change for this, please? My dollar won't work in your machine.
You're that Miss Green from the television.
I wasn't sure, 'cause you always pay cash.
- Did your uncle get ahold of you? - What?
Your uncle. He was trying to call your room. He said he couldn't get through.
By the way, that machine doesn't work.
(man) Yes, sir.
Yes, sir. I'm in her hotel now.
I think she may have figured out the glitch.
Bring it back, bring her back. I want constant updates.
Yes, sir. When I find her, I know what to do.
Boy, if she's figured out this computer glitch and goes with that to the press, we're royally screwed.
Mm-hm.
Mr. President, we have that luncheon speech followed by a White House meet-and-greet.
What do I do?
Go be presidential.
(press corps shouting)
(man)... speech today will give some insight into the Eleanor Green situation.
Jack, I've been trying to call her but I can't reach her.
You have a busy schedule. Keep your head in that. Period.
That's terrific.
Saturday Night Live wants you. What do you think?
- Did I hear "Saturday Night Live"? - Yeah.
- Do it. - Why?
Because it's a great opportunity. Say you were blinded by love, you didn't know she was popping pills.
It isn't like you were in some side street gettin' head like, uh, Hugh, uh, whatsisname.
You're so sensitive. OK. I'll do it.
Yep, he'll do it. I'll call you later for details.
It's hard to believe it's a year since we've gathered together,
but we are very pleased to have a most honored guest with us...
I wrote down some lines for you. They're fantastic, if I must say so. I even threw in an old Hitler joke.
- How's that supposed to work? - You'll see.
...Tom Dobbs!
Knock 'em dead.
Thank you very much.
I guess we should get this over with at the beginning,
because you've all heard there's a little bit of a rumor going around right now.
So I'll share the big scoop with you, 'cause, uh, Oprah was booked.
(scattered laughter)
I'm not even President of the United States yet, and I'm involved in a scandal with a woman.
- I did not have sex with that woman. - (laughter)
I wanted to.
I'm single.
And, uh, you've elected a man as President who is probably the unluckiest man in the world in that area.
In high school, most of my dates were with myself.
I would take myself out for dinner, bring myself home,
put on music that I liked,
have my way with myself and then go, "Should I drive myself home now?"
Pretty much the bottom line. If I was in Italy I might get lucky.
They elected an Italian porn star to their senate.
Which is wonderful. There's no sex scandal there, just great posters and incredible downloads.
I think that's the bottom line. In a democracy,
we can have a sense of humor about ourselves. We have to.
You're allowed to make fun of those in power.
But even in the face of tyranny there is comedy. Two old Jews were sent to kill Hitler.
They waited in an alleyway. They were supposed to kill Hitler at 12:30. They have guns, bombs, knives.
12:30, no Hitler.
12:45, no Hitler.
One o'clock, no Hitler.
Finally one turns to the other and goes, "My God, I hope nothing happened to him."
It's good to see us back. The fact that we can laugh is wonderful. But the last few years we've been divided.
Red states, blue states.
There are no red and blue states, there's only the United States of America. That's what we're about.
That's why I say you can't spend 200 million dollars on a campaign and not be owing people something.
Next thing you know they have to deal with the special interests,
they're doing special favors for special people and not dealing with what you need:
Education, healthcare, environmental issues.
They have to deal with oil companies, chemical companies, drug companies, and they owe them.
And in the process, people get neglected.
The poor have no advocate, because the poor can't afford a lobbyist.
The Statue of Liberty says, "Give me your tired, your poor,"
not "your wealthy, your gifted and your endowed."
I worked out your bit with SNL. They really liked it.
- Has Eleanor called the headquarters yet? - No.
- She hasn't called me either. - Well, you never know with females.
I had an ex who used to do enough tranquillizers to put a flock of sheep to sleep.
Why?
- She said it made the sex with me more bearable. - Eleanor didn't do drugs.
Oh, no. And ball players don't do steroids, they just wake up one day looking like Mack trucks.
- Pump a little iron, you look like a Humvee. - With little tiny balls.
(Mathias) This is a meet-and-greet, nothing more.
(Tom) Oh, the house is so close to the street.
Whoa, boy, that's a desk.
I mean... wow.
I, uh, I never really sat behind a desk before. I mean, the one on the show is just a prop. This... (whistles)
- Where do you do your writing? - Usually on the back of a napkin, sitting in a bar.
(chuckles)
Well, there's a lot of history to this desk.
The first time I sat behind it, I had a sort of nervous chill.
Some of the greats and not-so-greats have sat here.
Please.
Thank you.
(phone rings)
Excuse me, Mr. President.
- Hello? - Tom? Tom?
Eleanor? Hold on.
Mr. President, I'lljust be a minute. Thank you.
Tom, t-t-two guys broke into my hotel room. I don't know what to do.
Who? Who are they?
They're connected with Delacroy. I think they know I broke the code.
- Code? What code? - I figured out what caused the computerglitch.
- Where are you now? - I'm in a shopping mall.
- Shopping? - No, I'm not shopping.
- Why are you there? - I didn't know what to do. I thought this was safer.
Mr. President-elect, I'm on a bit of a tight schedule.
- Listen, Eleanor, I'm with the President. - What?
I'm with the President of the US in the Oval Office.
You're with the President? You're in the Oval Office?
Look, Tom, I don't know what to do... Hello?
Tom? Hello?
Hello?
Sorry, sir.
Wow.
It's been a pleasure, Mr. President. Thank you.
By the way, Mr. Dobbs, I never thought you had a chance.
I underestimated you.
Well, just between you and me, Mr. President, you didn't underestimate me at all.
Really? Why?
Oh, but that's so weird. I never said anything to him.
No, he said stuff to me. Like, what am I gonna say back?
But seri... Hold on a sec.
Hi. Sorry to interrupt.
I need a charger for this phone that I can plug into my cigarette lighter.
We don't stock the charger for that anymore. How long have you had that phone?
Well, it's not like it's a relic. It's a year old.
Well, there is a problem - it's a year old.
Mr. Stewart would like to see you at Delacroy.
- Why does he want to see me? - He just wants to talk to you.
Reasonable people can come to reasonable solutions.
You figured out the computer glitch. You should be paid.
The Delacroy jet is at the private terminal. I got her.
(lock beeps)
Get in.
Shit!
Yeah.
I'm tracking her on her GPS.
Uh-huh.
Yes, first opportunity I get I'll pick her up, bring her to the airport.
Uh-huh.
The FBI will confirm that you had no contact with Eleanor Green prior to the election.
You're off the hook in terms of being involved in any attempt to fix the election.
Sir, we've got to get you to the airport a little earlier. A storm front is moving in.
Oh, for God's sake.
Well, after Saturday Night Live tonight, then I'm gonna be heading on.
Why so soon?
Well, Menken thinks it's for the best. No sense postponing the inevitable.
Will you be disappointed to go back to television?
Oh, no. I have a glorious love-hate relationship with TV.
- How so? - TV scares me. It makes everything seem credible.
Why is that so bad?
If everything seems credible, nothing seems credible.
TV puts everybody in those boxes side by side.
On one side there's this certifiable lunatic who says the Holocaust never happened.
Next to him is this noted, honored historian who knows all about the Holocaust.
And now there they sit, side by side. They look like equals.
Everything they say seems credible. And so, as it goes on, nothing seems credible anymore.
We just stop listening.
In the Times, 60% of the voters would've voted for Dobbs if they could.
Well, yeah. He sounds different. That's why they can hear him.
(phone rings)
Hello?
- My cell phone died and some guy is after me. - I thought two guys were after you.
- No, this is someone else. - Who?
I assume he's from Delacroy. He has a pickup truck.
Eleanor, I... I think you need help.
He tried to abduct me from the mall!
In the mall. OK.
I think it has to do with the fact that I figured everything out.
She's in a phone booth off Route 173.
You see, Mills and Kellogg both have double L's,
but Kellogg trumps him with double G's and you trump him with double B's.
I don't know what that means, Eleanor. Listen, where are you?
I don't know. I don't know where I am. It's dark, there's a factory,
I see a Christmas tree...
I don't know where I am.
- What do you want me to do now, sir? - I'm willing to offer her big money. Big money.
She's running away now? Why is she running away?
She's impossible. I don't know who she's talking to, what she's saying.
All right, go to the airport. You go to BWI private terminal.
There's a plane there. We'll get on that plane, I'll take you to New York and we'll solve your problem. OK?
Private terminal at the airport? I don't know how to get to the airport.
All right, I'll try. I'll look in my GPS or something.
Hello? Eleanor?
(TV) More on that breaking news. There has been a very serious traffic accident.
It is tying up traffic out on the Baltimore-Washington Parkwayjust where it meets Route 495,
and that is the Capital Beltway.
There has been one serious injury. Police have identified the injured woman as an Eleanor Green.
Oh, my God.
- If that sounds familiar, it's the same Eleanor Green... - Menken!
You have to see this!
Sir, we just got a report of an accident. It's Eleanor Green.
(reporters firing questions)
Not now, please.
Excuse me.
Are you with the ambulance? Eleanor Green?
- She's in a stable condition, sir. - Thank you.
Oh, shit. Why does he have to get himself into this mess?
Kid driving the truck is from Pittsburgh. Apparently he lost control on the ice, went right off the road.
- Tom, we've gotta get to Saturday Night Live. - There's time.
(mumbles) Double B... double L... double G.
Double B, double L, double G.
Double B...
double L... double G.
Double L, double G...
(Tom) They're trying to discredit her. She's not psychotic, OK?
I believe her, for Christ's sake. Look what they did.
(Jack) Last night you were willing to give it all up. Now you want to do it again.
Police said a truck lost control.
- She was trying to tell me something. - It was snowing.
She said she knew what the computer glitch was. Now it'll be a couple of days before we can find out.
Where's the proof? Give me something to justify what she's saying.
We don't have time to keep playing this game.
She was trying to explain it to me. But it didn't make sense.
She kept saying, "Double B, double G, double L." It's like a code.
Whatever the hell happened, we'll never know for sure.
Only one thing remains true - you're the President.
You're either getting on that plane or not.
Tom, come January 20th, the White House is yours.
Nothing can change that. No one can. Except you.
You coming?
(cheering)
(man) From Studio 8H in the Rockefeller Center,
it's Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
- Hi. I'm Amy Poehler. - I'm Tina Fey. And here are tonight's top stories.
A Malaysian man, famous for pulling planes and buses with his hair,
died this week of heart complications.
Tragically, he would still be alive but he insisted on pulling his own ambulance.
(show in background)
Hey, I just went through the cue cards, and you're gonna kill.
It's gonna work like a charm. Don't worry about a thing.
Do a couple of those Eleanor Green jokes and we get this stuff way, way behind you, all right?
- All right. - You can go on and be President.
(Eddie chuckles)
Forensic scientists say they have recreated George Washington as he looked at age 19,
while Tom Dobbs has recreated how Thomas Jefferson would've looked if he were crazy.
...and when the source is finally identified, Tom Dobbs will sleep with it.
(laughter)
(Tina) A report suggests that more species of birds mate for life than previously believed,
while other species only mate for votes.
(mild laughter)
This week Tom Dobbs' presidential transition team briefed him on day-to-day activities in the Oval Office.
However, Dobbs became upset when he learned that Monday would no longer be re-runs.
- I heard that! - Uh-oh, who said that?
- (~ "Hail to the Chief") - Do we have a special guest?
Hello. Welcome. You know my wife.
President-elect Tom Dobbs.
(cheering)
Just in the neighborhood, thought I'd drop by.
I always wanted to say that - sounds like Bob Hope. "Thought I'd drop by."
Thank you for coming. Make yourself comfortable.
Lovely. Thank you.
So, we all saw you in Congress in that outfit the other day - that was quite flattering.
Those wigs, it's kind of nice.
I love the buckled shoe, though - it's part pimp, part pilgrim.
You can eitherget off the "Mayflower" or have fourgirls in a Cadillac.
- They love him. - Yeah, it's working like a charm.
I'm thinking - and this isjust out loud-
that I should go with the Manolo Blanco, just to give you that little... (squeaks)
- To lift your ass. - Lift the ass!
Next time I want to go stilettos, something crazy.
Now, the FBI cleared up any suspicion that you knew Eleanor Green before the election.
- Not at all, no. - Good.
I guess that absolves you of any conspiratorial thing that you fixed the election.
So what do you make of this woman's obsession with you?
Well, Tina, I have just one question: Is this a face that a woman would be obsessed with?
- Well... - By your pause, I understand.
Because I think a woman can be obsessed with a movie star like Brad Pitt - hello! -
and I could be obsessed with Angelina - I just want to wet her lips and stick her to something.
(laughter)
And also you could say obsessed with rock 'n ' roll stars -
women rushing the stage, fainting, for Elvis, for the Beatles,
for Mick Jagger, just to say, "This is your baby!"
But women don't rush the stage for comedians.
If they throw their panties on stage for me, it's 'cause they want them fluffed, folded and back by Friday.
(Tina) I threw my underpants at Britney Spears once... 'cause I thought she needed a pair.
(Tom) God bless.
I thought you were gonna say you threw it at Paris Hilton and they stuck.
- (AMy) That's a good re-write! - (Tom) Good night, good luck!
That's from our new book, One Night in Paris.
But, I mean, for me here's the basic thing.
How plausible is it that a woman would fix an election because she's obsessed with me?
I mean, where's the hanging chad?
Where's the governor being your brother? The Supreme Court ruling against the voter?
Come on, where's the conspiracy in that? None, really.
And here's the real question: It's like, if that's not why, what is the real answer?
What is the real answer?
- (Tom) Thank you for picking that one up. - Where's he going with this?
The bottom line is Eleanor Green came to me and told me
that there was a computer glitch in the Delacroy computer voting system.
She warned the chief executive of Delacroy, James Hemmings,
but they decided to cover it up for economic reasons.
It's not good for the stock offering, really.
The truth is, I'm not the elected President of the United States.
Bottom line is it was a computer error. Not fraud, but a faulty program.
HAL decided it liked me.
Today I was in the Oval Office on a preparatory meeting
and I sat behind the President's desk and I had a reality check. It kind of overwhelmed me.
I sat there and went, "Wait a minute. I'm a jester.
"A jester doesn't rule the kingdom, he makes fun of the king."
And for a brief moment, I thought, you know, "I could be the President of the United States."
I thought I was President of the United States till Eleanor talked to me.
It's... I know. We're not on book anymore and the cue-card guy is going...
We just usually do fake news and jokes.
We don't usually have real news and...
nonjokes.
- So watch out, Oprah. - (audience laughs)
'Cause we're gonna go real, girl. But here's the deal. A lot of you voted for me, or at least some of you.
(audience cheer)
- Yeah, thank you. - (applause)
And I know you voted for me because you were fed up with the status quo.
But you were voting forchange, forthe sake of change.
Listen, you could vote for someone better. You can do a lot betterthan me.
You can do better than most politicians you've elected recently,
and definitely don't put your faith in a machine that has less controls than a Vegas slot machine.
- So you don't want to be a part of the reelection? - Oh, no. Please. No, that's not a stage I belong on.
This is where I belong, with folks like you, finding the funk in dysfunctional.
Mark Twain said irreverence is the champion of liberty, if not its only defender.
That's why we're there. We're there to shake it up, and that's what we've gotta do.
How many of you think the educational system is working?
- (woman claps) Whoo-hoo! - One girl. Thank you.
- (high voice) "I learnt to read." - (laughter)
Do you realize that 40% of American high-school graduates think that Joan of Arc was Noah's wife?
So Tom Dobbs walked away from being the President of the United States.
OK, so he wasn't really elected, but if he hadn't told anyone...
(applause)
(Jack) Shortly thereafter, Tom Dobbs went back to his political comedy show.
I'm gonna get on the desk like Tom Cruise.
(Jack) He was biggerthan ever.
Everyone's gonna be writing about how honest you are, how straightforward.
I just hope your honesty doesn't undercut your irreverence.
I wanna do a show about gay farmers and call it "Cropsuckers." Is that offensive?
Not for me.
Nothing but the best.
(Eleanor) Yeah?
- Hey. - Hi.
Like some company?
I left the night-light on.
(Jack) Eleanor became his producer,
and close companion.
Lover. Later his wife.
The two Delacroy executives were arrested and later convicted
because Eleanor's theories on the computer glitch proved to be correct.
For those of you thinking of getting implants, there's something new to try.
A lot of people, they get the large ones. Those are lovely.
Do something new for your boyfriend. Put in a little squeaky toy.
It's about the same. We're pretty easily amused.
- (pants) - (laughter)
- You realize that's what it is for us. We're like cats. - (laughter)
Also, remember the best birth control, ladies. The best birth control and the cheapest is simply this.
(Jack) As for President Kellogg, he won against Mills in the reelection,
and in his second term was betterthan any of us expected.
Not great, but better.
Maybe Tom Dobbs had something to do with it. Who knows?
But I like to think that one thing does lead to another.
I'll remember this, ladies and gentlemen. It's an old phrase,
basically anonymous, but politicians are a lot like diapers.
They should be changed frequently and for the same reason. Keep that in mind when you vote. Good night.