- First time here ? - Me ? No, I used to live here.
- For ten years. - And you left ?
- So, what brings you back ? - I'm here for a wedding.
Yours ?
- No. - So, is it good to be back ?
- Ask me in a couple of days. - Fair enough.
LOOKING
Thank you.
- Looks who's ambled into town. - Hey, boys.
I love that you're late. I don't think you've ever been late.
Maybe I'm finally becoming fashionable. I love your beard.
I told you nine months is all it takes to make a new man out of him.
- Stop it. - No, no, we need more lisp.
How long has it been since we've been here ?
My twenty-third birthday,
I had sex with the waiter and you threw up in toilet, over there.
Good times. Fuck, it is so good to see you guys.
You, too.
I'm sorry I've been so bad lately,
it's just that work has been super hectic
and it doesn't help I've de-activated my Facebook,
but that's not an excuse.
Don't worry, it's all going fine.
Last Tuesday there was a line all the way down the block.
- That's amazing. - It's getting there.
He promised me tonight he wouldn't check the window, not even once.
- Maybe once. - No, no you swore, not even a text.
- Okay, Jesus. - How's the Art Institute ?
These punk art-school brats, they have no respect for the equipment.
But I can almost pay rent, now, so that's something.
My balls are here.
What is the plan for tonight ?
First up is Li Po for Chinese Mai Tais.
We haven't been there in a million years.
Doris and Malik are gonna meet us there.
- Nice. How are they ? - They're good, I think.
He hasn't thrown her out, so that's something.
- They went to Hawaii recently. - Richie and Brady are coming too.
What ? You invited them ? No, I'm kidding.
I think it's gonna be nice to see them, both of them.
In fact, I made a pact with myself on the plane
that I was gonna try and make a real effort with Brady.
That's good, 'cause he's actually pretty cool.
When he's not drunk.
Wait a second.
We gotta raise a glass.
To the new, grown up Agustin. To all of us, really,
for finally finding something close to adulthood, right ?
Close to it.
It took us long enough.
- Would you stop eating my balls ? - I love your balls.
I can't get enough of your balls.
Nothing has changed.
Heya, stranger.
I'm good.
Since you've been gone, I've been embracing my heterosexuality.
I went on a wine tour.
Which she got thrown off for getting wasted.
We get couples massages, we got book club,
I have like dinner parties, where I kind of cook a little bit.
Which we don't get invited to.
You would come if I invited you ?
Probably not. There's only so many times
I can hear you talk about the container store.
I love the container store ! Would you rather we talk about poultry ?
No.
Do I hear the ding-dong of wedding bells ?
Are the two of you gonna follow Agustin down the aisle ?
Sorry, Disney princess, no that dream's not happening.
I'm embracing my heterosexuality, but I'm not insane.
So, that's a no ?
Malik and I made a very important commitment to living in sin.
We embrace the sin. Sunday morning ? We're not in church.
Marriage is for the gays.
And you poor fuckin bastards, you can have it.
It's a magical time !
This is the best news ever. Congratulations.
Congratulations, Augustin.
How you doing ?
- Hey, Brady ! - The prodigal son returns !
Hi. Good to see you.
How are you ?
- Hi, Kyah! - I'm so the new Patrick of the group.
We're all back together.
Patrick, how is it going ? I want to hear about...
How's Boise ?
It's Denver, not Boise.
Same thing.
But it's good, I'm loving work
and I'm finally the head of my own department.
No more cage fighting homos ? No more otter vs owls ?
Not at work, at least.
What is it you're actually doing ? I've asked but nobody seems to know.
We're developing this virtual reality video game
where humans have mated with aliens, and they've created
this super-race with special abilities.
- I'm so in. - It's a cool game.
Of course you're in. Anything with aliens, sold.
But what is there to do in Salt Lake City ? What do you do ?
Denver.
What do you do in Denver ? Goddammit, sorry.
You don't miss it here ?
I miss you guys. I miss the people, for sure.
But in a lot of ways, the cities are very similar,
it's the same small batch coffee, the same Korean meat-balls,
except people there are a little less San Francisco.
In the way that people in San Francisco can be annoying.
I totally get it.
But the Denver people, they're really cool.
Are there any gays in Denver ?
Yeah, there's a lot of gays, it's a big city,
And Paddy's been making the most of being the single cowgirl in town.
I have, indeed.
They're like Brokeback Mountain,
are you just like having sex with Jake Gyllenhaal ?
No, but, I broke this back mountain a couple times.
Girl, you changed.
I can't believe I have this stupid bag.
Your hair looks good.
- Thank you. - Kept it short, huh ?
Yeah, short on the sides.
It's good to see you.
You, too.
Sorry I was so incommunicado,
but it felt like the right thing to do while I got settled.
You don't need to explain.
Yeah, but I left so suddenly without much of an explanation.
You did what you had to do. So don't sweat it.
What's it like being back home, so close to your folks ?
I'm near home, I'm not at home,
and that 50 minute car-ride makes all the difference.
Butit's been pretty positive. I never thought
that I could actually be there and be myself,
so that feels like progress.
That's good. And how's your mom ?
She's all right. It's probably helpful I was there
and only semi-judgmental about her choice to drop my dad.
How are you about the divorce ?
- I'm thirty. - I don't think that matters.
She dumped the guy that she left my dad for,
and now she's having sex with her therapist, Dr. Samperstein.
Really ?
She really likes to make a fuckin mess of things.
But then, like mother like son, I guess.
I'm saying nothing.
I finally followed your advice
and tried to work things out with my dad.
It turns out that advice totally sucked.
Shit, really ?
Yeah. I tried to honor the fact
that he would never really be completely happy with who I am,
and tried to find a common ground, but...
There was none ?
Turns out he is a raging homophobe.
It's like him trying to understand me
undermines everything he thinks he knows about himself. So...
Do you think he'll ever come around ?
He's a proud fucker, so probably not.
If I'm like my mom, then...
Shut up. But Brady has been really cool about the whole thing.
He's been super supportive, so that's helped.
Good. What about the barber truck ? I've been hearing amazing things.
- It's going really well. - And you don't miss Willy's ?
Yeah, but it's also good to be doing my own thing.
Agustin did a really great job with the paint-work on it.
He's really good.
I can just picture you cruising down Valencia
luring people into your truck for a fade. It's kind of perfect.
Sometimes, I want to drive to Reno and start doing perms
in some casino parking lot. Just to do something different.
That would be the best reality show, ever. Or maybe the worst.
It's basically the same thing.
You should come by some time. See me in action.
I'd like that. If not this trip, then the next one, for sure.
Here they are !
- We thought we'd lost you. - I know, it's this bag.
Agustin has totally convinced me. I'm pro-marriage now.
You fuckin' traitor.
- You wanna get married ? - Right now ?
- Maybe not right now. - Come on !
You all right ?
- I'm good, how you feelin' ? - I'm good. I'm a little tired.
- You gonna sing ? - Yeah !
What are you gonna sing ? What are we gonna sing together ?
I love that you've chosen all of our old haunts.
I felt like I needed to return to the scenes of my crimes.
You're not dying.
This whole getting married thing is making me feel all...
I don't think that the air quotes are necessary.
Oh, shit.
- Bride to be. - You made it.
Of course. Miss Murray !
How's it going ?
Good, you took the Concorde in from Paris ?
Yes. It's so good to see you. What a surprise !
What are you ladies drinking ? I'm buying.
- Something cheap and strong. - Yeah, just like you.
- I'll take it. - I'm kidding.
So, you guys are friends, now, like actual friends ?
Who reached out to who ?
I felt like I needed to close that chapter before I opened a new one,
I called him up. I thought I told you,
No, it's great. He's always been a good guy.
Just because it didn't work out doesn't mean
it couldn't turn into something new. Plus Eddie's cool with it.
- Of course he is. - He's the best.
BT dubs, you and I are singing. For old time's sake !
I love you, but bad things happen when I get behind a microphone.
No, badass things.
Oh my god !
Why isn't he making eye contact with me ?
I remember.
I think his exact words were, I'd rather seal up my butthole
and never suck another cock again rather than get married.
I can't believe that gay people are so desperate to be straight.
They shouldn't even be called gay any more.
- Did I really sound that annoying ? - No, you don't, he was a total cunt.
I miss cunty Agustin. He was fun at parties.
You've become one of those gay guys you always hated.
Soon you'll be adopting babies
and going on cruises with the other Stepford homos.
- Leave him alone. - What you're doing is amazing.
You know I'm kidding. I'm thrilled.
Eddie is a shining light of awesomeness in your life.
And you're doing it for the right reasons.
So, what's there not to love ?
Thank you, Frank. That was beautiful.
Just don't fuck it up.
Stay away from rent boys for a start.
I know that I said I wouldn't, but fuck it. Let's do this.
- We're gonna sing ? - Yes, we're gonna sing.
- Can I finally be Justin ? - Yes !
Let's do it !
I will never suck a cock again !
That's my advice, stay away from rent boys.
This was actually the first club me and Paddy ever came to in the city.
It's also where me and Paddy hooked up.
Yes, it was.
Muscle Mary and goodie-two-shoes, get the fuck outta here.
I didn't know you guys hooked up.
Yes, but it was a long time ago and we do not need to go back there.
- Yeah we do. - No, we do not.
Story !
Once upon a time there was a pretty princess called Paddy,
he was all by himself, poor lonely baby, totally wasted
and dancing to Britney, remember ?
I do.
I'm assuming we've all seen Paddy's drunk dancing.
- What's it like ? - Enthusiastic.
Did you guys fuck ?
I wouldn't say fuck.
It was more like side by side jerking off,
although I do remember almost giving you a blowjob.
I remember you licking the side but refusing to put the tip in.
I was very disease-phobic in those days.
I had a lot of self-loathing back then.
Back then ?
That was a joke !
I'm glad you cried on my shoulder I didn't put my dick in your butt
because look where we are now.
Hey, faggots !
I am so glad you came in for this.
He never would have did it without his maid of dishonor.
I wouldn't have missed this for the world, are you kidding ? Please.
And this is my friend Jake.
He's my oldest and dearest from Chicago.
I'm trying to get him to move here, so please play nice with others !
I want you to meet Dom. Dom ?
He saw your pic and he really wants to taste your chicken.
What was that ?
He's cute. You've literally had nothing for months.
Plus, from what Eddie says,
he has the most beautiful penis in all of Illinois.
Dance with me our last time as single girls.
A nice Midwestern girl.
What ?
He's really cute. I feel like you should go for it.
You're as bad as Doris.
- What's the harm ? - I gotta pee.
I wanna see you guys on the dance floor later. Both of you.
Tequila ?
I wanna dance on the bar.
Last time I was here, I was in a leather vest.
I remember.
That seems like a long time ago.
It does.
I'm glad you left, you know ?
- What ? - You know what I mean ?
It took a lot of guts, and it seems to have done you a lot of good.
You think ?
Sometimes you gotta leave things behind so you can move forward.
- I got you a tequila. - Thank you !
You haven't tasted it yet, it's the cheap stuff.
Cheers.
- That is the cheap stuff. - Get your ass out on the dance floor.
How could I resist the call of Britney ?
You coming ?
I think I need another drink first but looking forward to see you move.
I can't hear you.
Richie !
Fine. Let's just dance.
Holy fuck. You're really good at that.
I've been training.
I think I want you to fuck me.
We don't have to if you don't want to,
- Don't you want to fuck me ? - Yeah.
Then do it.
You feel so good.
Can you put the brakes on, a bit ?
Sorry, is it hurting ?
Don't flatter yourself.
No, I just don't to come too...
It's way too late for that, just go faster.
Harder, harder !
I'm gonna come.
So, how do you like it at Zynga ?
You get free Reese's Pieces, what's not to love ?
That's how they get you. All that sugar.
Watch out, you don't want to get stuck in their fly traps.
- Is that why you left MDG ? - Something like that.
Come on, spill the beans.
Okay, fine. I was in a relationship with my boss.
But after we broke up, the office was like that movie Saw,
except without the cute guy chained to the wall.
It wasn't Kevin Matheson, was it ?
What ?
My god, it was, wasn't it ?
Why do you say that ?
I know he works there, and he's gay.
That's why I hate this fucking city, it's so small.
Please don't tell me that you had sex with him.
No, no, but I would.
Those ears, I would tug on those babies.
I did interview with him back in January.
Oh, my god, for my job.
I didn't get it. I heard he hired a 19 year old muscle queen from LA.
Of course, he did.
I take it you two don't talk ?
Talk, no, but he PayPals me every now and again
for this game we designed together.
- Cha-ching. - I wish.
I would so happily give up those ninety dollars
just so I didn't have to see his name in my in-box.
So, why don't you ?
You have to bury your dead real good,
so they don't come back and haunt you.
Who made you so fucking wise ?
What ? I'm twenty-two, I've had my fair share of boyfriends.
Really, at twenty-two ? You must have started pretty young.
Sixteen.
You had a boyfriend when you sixteen years old ?
Yeah. He's quite butch, isn't he ? Kevin.
He's not so butch when he's got his legs in the air.
Is he a hungry bottom ?
- Super hungry. - Oh, my god, that's awesome.
So is he why you left San Francisco ?
Kevin, no, he's not getting full credit for that.
Then, why did you leave ?
A lot of different reason. To be honest,
I sort of made a mess of this other relationship
with someone else I was with.
- I'm sensing a theme. - Yeah, exactly.
Then after Kevin, I realized what an idiot I'd been,
but it was too late then. That ship had sailed.
- I'm sorry. - No, don't be.
It was actually the best thing for both of us.
And the truth is, even if that ship hadn't sailed,
I probably would have found a way to sink it
before it left the harbor, anyway.
Yes, so then I went to Denver and I swore myself off relationships
which was probably better for everyone in the long run.
But it was also about just being tired
of my life not moving forward, you know ?
Or at least not moving in the right direction.
Going away was about pressing the reset button and starting over.
- Do you know what I mean ? - Sure, yeah.
- And, so ? - So, what ?
The reset, did it work ?
- Hey, lazy bones. - Hi.
You could have slept in your old bed.
Wasn't that Jake guy in there ?
No, of course not.
Thank you.
And Agustin's at Eddie's place, you could have slept in his room.
- I'm not getting in those sheets. - I don't blame you.
What time is it ?
It's the afternoon. I gotta go to work.
- You can come if you want. - I want to see the window.
And that way you can tell me
all the disgusting things you did to that poor child.
I rimmed him, he rimmed me. I fucked him, he fucked me.
It was very democratic.
I'm loving all this sex positive sex you've been having lately.
Are you sure it doesn't make me a slut ?
- Does it make you feel positive ? - Most of the time.
- There you go. - Then, afterwards, I don't know.
- What happened ? - Nothing happened.
Then what ?
I don't know, maybe it's that I went away to Colorado
and everything was out of sight and out of mind,
and now I'm back, and then there it all is.
There what is ?
Everything I thought I'd dealt with.
Do you think I should see Kevin while I'm here ?
Why would you even think about doing that ?
Just to close the chapter, bury the dead.
See if he's gotten fat and gross.
Just assume he's gotten fat and gross, and move on.
You're right.
I forgot that you have a parklet ! Holy shit. It looks so good !
Right ?
If this doesn't mean you've made it I don't know what does.
Hi !
Is it bring your daughter to work day ?
What are you doing here ?
I came to talk to you. I didn't come to talk to you. Go home.
- I'm sorry, I can go home. - No, it's fine. Please.
Does anybody have a donut ? I'm starving.
And what do you do for a hangover ? And I want to throw up.
And he was totally into Dom, too.
He was, great. And, was he nice ?
He was very nice.
So did you fuck him ? Is he gonna move in with you ?
Help you clean the grease stains off your aprons ?
No to both of those,
and do we really need to have this conversation again ?
We're having it again, how can that be ? I haven't seen you in months.
- I saw you last night. - That didn't count.
That was before you ran home for a hot bubble bath and an early night.
I don't get to stay out to all hours just enjoying myself, any more.
That never used to stop you.
Not that I'm taking Doris's side,
but why didn't you have sex with Jake ?
He lives in Chicago. It would just be sex.
I want to keep my focus clear.
I don't want to complicate things right now.
Complicate. That doesn't mean you gotta turn
into Sister Dominic of the Tenderloin.
That should be the name for the second window.
This is so what he's like, Patrick. This is what I have to deal with.
The only thing he ever thinks about is work.
Is that so bad right now ?
I think that all we're saying is it's ok have a little fun.
Get your hands on some skin that doesn't belong to a plucked chicken.
I appreciate the concern, but I'm fine.
I know what it is that I want, and better still,
I can see a way of getting it. I got some purpose.
- And sex could risk that ? - Or maybe even a relationship ?
Very possibly.
I don't want to sound
like one of those gross couple relationship evangelist thing
but you liked being with Lynn.
Yes, of course I did. But that's not what I want right now.
I don't want to compromise,
and relationships take a lot of compromise.
- Can I say one thing ? - Would it matter if I said no ?
This is working, you're not gonna fuck it up.
I know the feeling.
But I'm not my mom and you're not your dad.
I'm being... whatever.
Hey.
Yeah, I could do that.
Yes.
I'll meet you there.
I will meet you there right now. All right, I'll see you soon.
Bye.
Does anybody want to come with me to Indian Rock ?
I think that Agustin might be having a crisis.
Fuck no.
- Not in a million years. - God.
- Wish me luck. - Good luck.
You're so gonna get laid smelling like that.
Good, Patrick, we're together again.
What happened ? You seemed so calm yesterday.
I was calm, and then I woke up this morning
with this pain in my stomach,
like, I had an ulcer that was about to burst.
It's a stressful thing you're doing getting married.
I guess.
You're getting committed to somebody else.
I don't think your choice of vocabulary's helping.
- Do you love him ? - Do I love him ?
Do you love Eddie ?
I always used to say that love is a social construct
that doesn't really exist.
I didn't believe you then and I don't believe you now.
- So, what is it ? - Christ, don't ask me.
Seriously, how would you define it ?
Let me ask a different question.
Does the idea of being with Eddie make you happy ?
Like, the two of you getting old and grey together,
smoking weed to ease the arthritis.
That thought does makes me happy.
Why ?
I don't know.
I like his beard. I like his hat collection.
I like that whenever I have someone I wanna bitch about
or there's something funny that I see,
he's the person I want to tell. He's my best friend, I guess.
I'm mildly jealous that I'm no longer your best friend.
Okay, he's my best friend that I wanna have sex with.
- Also, he has a huge penis. - Isn't that everything ?
Not the penis part, obviously, but the other stuff ?
Maybe if you just focus on that,
this won't seem like such a big deal.
Actually, I don't even think this is about Eddie.
This isn't like some runaway bride moment
where I feel like there's someone else out there for me.
Then what is it ?
Remember when we first came here after we started college ?
- Of course. - We talked about our big life plan.
Among other things.
If you had told me then that a decade later
I'd be working at the Art Institute as a shop manager
and getting hitched to a man, I...
What did you know about anything in those days ?
We couldn't even get married back then.
You heard those guys last night. Frank, especially him. Dom. Brady.
Don't listen to anything Brady says.
He's like a blog that nobody reads, but in human form.
But those guys were right. I used to think
that I would be like Keith Herring, or Robert Mapplethorpe.
But instead, I've become Neil Patrick Harris.
Only not as cool, 'cause I can't tap dance.
- You can learn. - I'm being serious.
I'm not who I thought I'd be, and it's tough for me to take.
I've become everything that I rallied against for years.
- Very loudly. - You're allowed to change.
Especially when you've found something that works for you.
But what happens if I get married and I freak out ?
Not about Eddie but about me.
What happens if I can't cope that this new me is so far
from who I thought I would be that I fuck everything up ?
What happens if I hurt Eddie ? I don't want to to him.
What makes you think you'll do that ?
Because it's what I do, for fuck's sake.
Before you know it, I'll be on the phone with CJ
and I'll get him and a couple of other rent boys
to fuck Eddie just so I could feel better about myself.
I doubt that very much. I think you learned your lesson there.
Did I ?
You know what I love ? Over the last couple years,
when you found that something didn't work for you,
you somehow found a way to fix it. And that made you happy, right ?
I suppose.
You are happier now than you've ever been.
Not in this particular moment, obviously,
but who cares if you aren't you who thought you were gonna be
when you were eighteen years old. You have had ten years of experience
to figure out what it is you really need.
That's well said.
And you know what ? This is not a Katherine Heigl movie. Fuck her.
This is your Sigourney Weaver Alien trilogy.
You've got so much left to go.
You could even start up your art practice again.
Now that's a scary thought. Scarier than the alien.
That's true. Forget I said that last part, but you know what I mean.
I miss you.
I miss you, too.
We're just like Julianne Moore and Annette Benning
in The Kids are All Right.
- Totally. - Who am I ?
Annette Benning, obviously.
You're sleeping with him, aren't you ?
Dom, do you think things would have been different for me
if I came out when I was sixteen ?
- Different how ? - I don't know, just different.
More adjusted, like Jimmy from the other night,
or better at being in relationships, maybe ?
I thought you didn't want a relationship.
Maybe I was kidding myself just a little bit.
- At least you admit it. - So, what do you think ?
I may not be the best person to ask about relationships,
since my history is with a meth-head
and an old dude in love with a dead guy.
But maybe it's not worth thinking about.
You can't go back in time.
Maybe everything would've taken a very different turn
if you had managed to shoehorn your dick into my butt
all those years ago.
Seriously ?
I would've gotten over my anal sex fear a lot earlier.
Probably a lot of other fears, too.
Remember in the movie 2012 when California sank into the Pacific ?
You really think it would've been that bad ?
Yes. And plus we never would've become best friends,
and that would've been a real shame.
That's true. I am glad that you're my best friend, now,
especially since Agustin's out of the picture.
So, what if we got together now ?
Sure. I don't want a relationship, but for you, I'll make a exception.
Oh, come on. It's not the worst idea in the world.
- It's up there. - You just said we're best friends.
And that is the perfect basis for a relationship.
- Says who ? - Says Agustin.
What the hell does he know ?
We don't make each other sick
physically, right ?
- Do I make you sick ? - It depends on what I've eaten.
I don't know, I mean, maybe this has been staring us in the face
the whole time.
You are actually scaring me right now.
We understand and accept each other's flaws.
Your work is important to you as mine is to me.
We like the same movies. On paper...
Would you stop laughing ? On paper, it sounds totally right.
You are not being serious.
- Not really. - Okay, good.
But it would be nice, wouldn't it ?
To suddenly find something by mistake that makes sense.
That makes it all easier.
What just happened ?
- I kissed you. - Why ?
I don't know, I felt like it. I wanted to see if you were right.
And you looked a little sad.
- How did it feel ? - A little bit weird, if I'm honest.
Kind of like kissing your brother ?
I can't believe we did that.
My god.
- I think maybe I'm a little stoned. - Yeah, me, too.
We should sleep.
I'm sorry I made you make out with me.
You did say you wanted me to have some fun.
So fun.
Go again ?
Oh, god. So hard to know whether you're doing the right thing.
Yes. So, what's the answer ?
Who the fuck knows ?
Although, maybe you were right this morning.
- About what ? - About closing a chapter.
It's so easy to let the past make a mess of the present.
You should try not to let that happen, just FYI.
This is a surprise.
- You're blonde. - Yeah, I'm blonde.
- And you had your hair cut, too. - You look well.
You didn't need to dress up.
Agustin's getting married, today, actually, so...
- To Eddie ? - Yeah.
Fuck. I never put money on that lasting.
Love is a mysterious game, I guess.
- You look well, too, by the way. - Thank you.
Should we just stand here and tell each other how well we look,
or should we go get that coffee and explain why you texted me ?
- Let's do that. - I'm thinking this way.
- Cool ? - Yes, let's do it.
So, how's Denver ? I love what you guys are doing.
It's good.
I hear you're finally heading your own chain. That's a good thing.
That's something that should've happened a long time ago.
Thanks.
Word of advice. Don't go falling for any of your subordinates.
I'll try my best. How's MDG ? And Owen ? I haven't really talk...
Talked to them, I know. He's good. He's been promoted.
- Meredith, she finally came out. - What ?
I'm kidding. Here.
Thank you.
You look different. Not completely different, but...
I lost a little weight, maybe it's that, right ?
Maybe. I've piled on the pounds.
John finally embraced my love of fried chicken.
- John ? - We got back together.
Really ?
Does that surprise you ?
I donno. Maybe not.
Do you know what, in many ways, what happened between us
was a good thing. The break-up...
- The large, filtered, tall, black ? - That's me. Thank you.
The whole thing has just made me think about what I wanted,
what I needed in a relationship to make it work,
so in many ways, I'm quite thankful that you came into my life
and fucked it up 'cause it's better, now.
I don't really know how to answer that.
John and me are actually, we're actually really good.
We had some therapy, which I would highly recommend for you.
You're not the first person to suggest that.
Not surprising. We came to fully understand our wants and our needs.
You've been here too long,
you're even starting to sound like an American.
Large, soy milk iced coffee ?
If I meet Chris Pratt down at Fitness First
I can jerk him off to my heart's content and that's completely fine.
I'm happy for you and John. And Chris Pratt.
I don't a-hundred percent believe that.
It's not like I ever wanted you to be miserable.
I'm glad it worked out for you.
Shall we sit ?
Basically, I want to hand over all rights to you for the app.
Okay. We didn't need to meet for that.
I know, but it's better to do it like this.
I could have a guy draw up a document, but I feel like...
- What if it makes a fortune ? - It's hardly Minecraft.
Okay, but it could still end up making us some money.
Stereotyped, cliche-ridden dross.
Or my personal favorite, what the fuck is the point ?
Why do you read what people say ?
- Don't you ? - Yeah, but I don't care.
Anyway, making money was never the point.
What was the point ?
I feel like it doesn't make sense for us to do it anymore.
Together.
Okay, I'm gonna ask you something.
Were you ever actually in love with me ?
Yes, I think so.
I certainly loved the idea of us...
'Cause I could've made it work.
When I said I wanted to be monogamous with you, I meant it.
I didn't want you to make a promise you couldn't keep.
Fuck you. How do you know I wouldn't keep it ?
That's not why we broke up, we just weren't right for each other.
- No, how do you know that ? - I did, I do.
You didn't even try, you moved in one day, you moved out the next.
You didn't even unpack.
I admit that I handled that horribly, but I apologized for that.
And isn't it better to quit rather than drag out something
that you know won't work ?
In a nutshell, there's your problem.
What is ?
You quit, you run away, you don't take risks, ever.
What are you talking about, I moved in with you.
No, no, Patrick, the risk would've been trying to make it work.
The risk would've been putting in hard graft to make it work.
I don't want to seem like a cunt, but you are a coward.
I don't think that's fair. I couldn't trust you, any more.
And I don't know what hard graft means,
but I don't think I've been a coward, at all.
I think the facts tell a very different story.
Would a coward have moved to a different city, a new job,
left everything behind ?
You basically moved home.
Are you sure you didn't run away, and not move away ?
They're two very different things. What next for Patrick Murray ?
When that doesn't work out, I bet you a million dollars
you're already looking for the next thing.
You are. I know you. You run away and you are a coward.
You were a coward with me, you were a coward with Richard.
You come across a few potholes in the road,
and instead of trying to navigate through it,
you slam your brakes on, and you run the other direction.
I did not come here to get nailed to the cross.
So, why did you come here, then ?
Honestly, and please don't use the app as an excuse.
I came here to close a chapter.
To see if we could move forward from this.
To become friends ? Is that what you want ?
Why don't you come over to my house, and then we can have a barbecue,
me, you, and John ?
Do you really think that you and me could ever be friends ?
No, sadly.
Sorry. I really didn't want it to be like that.
- I shouldn't have texted. - It's a good thing.
It needed to be done.
Just draw the contract, I'll sign it.
Thinking about it, it's probably the right thing for me, too.
Kevin,
do you honestly think we would've worked ?
I'd like to have given it a try.
I wasn't gonna tell you this,
but seeing as I'm gonna make a fortune off One Up 'Em...
Tell me what ?
I know of a job position coming here,
that you'd be good for, in S.F.
At MDG ?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna be there. John and I are moving to London.
Really ?
Got a job offer there, and I've been been missing home a lot.
Are you done with San Francisco ?
If that's something that you'd be interested in, I can make it happen,
but I have to warn you: Owen will hate you.
But, he will also love to have you back, so...
Why would you do that for me ?
Seriously, after... everything.
Because, despite everything, I just want you to be happy.
Why ?
Why ? 'Cause I love you.
Look, don't stay in Denver. Come back,
and you can take that from someone who moves around constantly
to avoid dealing with things. It never works.
But I think you know that already.
If you're interested, email me. We don't need to talk, okay ?
One last hug ?
Oh, shit.
Sorry I'm late, there was trouble...
- Are you okay ? - Yeah, I'm fine, are you good ?
- Don't worry. - Where's Eddie ?
He's using the toilet for the eleventh time.
I'm getting married to an old lady. Where the fuck is he ?
Hurry up ! We're gonna lose our spot in line.
It's like every fucker in the city's getting married.
I nearly got run over by a stampede of bride's maids.
- Why don't we have bride's maids ? - You have us.
I'm Italian, for Christ's sake. This is gonna be the smallest
Italian wedding in the history of time.
This is just paperwork. We're gonna party tonight.
Yeah, then why am I wearing this ?
Wearing what ? You're not wearing a wedding dress.
Maybe I should be.
And maybe we should be getting married in a church,
giving thanks to the great white man in the sky for our love.
That's not what I said.
We're not doing this for other people,
we're not doing this for our parents,
we're doing this for us. That's what we discussed.
Shouldn't my mother be here ? Otherwise, why are we doing this ?
Oh, my god. Why are we doing this at all ?
Can we at least check in ?
I have to toilet again, and this time it's not pee-pee.
No, hold it in okay ? You have a powerful sphincter.
I'll meet you guys up there. Jake, can we get mama on FaceTime ?
- Yes. - I got this.
We should man the exits. Eddie is surprisingly fast.
He's not gonna do that, is he ?
He's had that look in his eyes before.
I think Agustin's gonna figure it out.
- Where were you ? - Nowhere.
- So, why do you look so... - I look fine.
- Shit, I need to pee, now. - Really ?
So do I.
What ? I really do.
You guys pee, and I'll meet you up there.
... by the state of California, I pronounce you partners for life.
Now you may kiss.
Hello. Sorry, I think that we're next.
- Are you Rankin or Lanwise ? - No, I'm not getting married.
It's my friends, but they'll just be a minute.
- Last minute nerves ? - Something like that.
It's very common. I wouldn't worry.
Those two have been together for 45 years.
- That's amazing. - Yes, it is.
- Can I ask you something ? - Of course.
How long have you been doing this ?
A very long time. Some people would say too long.
And are you able to tell if it's gonna work or not ?
Sometimes, maybe I can tell who wants it more than the other one,
who's gotten real and who's head is still in the clouds.
Who's willing or unwilling to adapt.
And, do you really think that people can change for each other ?
I prefer adapt to change. It's a little more realistic.
Plus I read somewhere that every part of us has something to do
with the part that came before. Does that sound corny ?
Works for me.
Maybe that's why we keep making the same mistakes.
Probably.
How long have you been married ?
- Between you and me, not married. - But, your ring.
It's a prop. Nobody wants a fat trainer at the gym.
- You all set ? - Yes.
- Lanwise ? - I got it.
Oh, it's my mom.
I'm sorry I think we'll just be one more minute.
- Sure. Take your time. - Is everything all right ?
- It is, now. - What'd you say ?
Let's just say he's a big Sigourney Weaver fan, so thank you for that.
It was my pleasure. That's what maids of dishonor are for.
I just hope that this marriage can be whatever we want it to be.
Exactly. It's not like you're just gonna suddenly be monogamous
and move to the suburbs.
No. And then, I love him, and he loves me,
so what's the worst that could happen ?
It doesn't work out, it doesn't work out, but, at least we tried.
Let's fuckin' do this.
You got it all done, right ?
Great, perfect, and if you would just take a look at that
and make sure they're saying everything they want to say.
Edward, you have chosen Agustin to be your partner in life.
Will you strive to love and respect him always,
be honest and kind and stand by him, whatever may come ?
I do.
Agustin, you've chosen Edward to be your partner in life.
Will you strive to love and respect him always,
be honest and kind and stand by him, whatever may come ?
I do. Yes.
And do you both promise to make the necessary adjustments
in your personal and professional lives
in order that you may live in a harmonious relationship together ?
We do.
And as much as you, Edward, and you, Agustin,
have pledged your love to each other in front of these witnesses,
by the power vested in me by the state of California,
I pronounce you partners in life.
Now you may kiss.
My god.
Now what ?
Now we get drunk and we take a lot of fuckin' drugs. Sorry, mom.
- Hey, there. How'd it go ? - It was really sweet.
Agustin didn't freak out ?
Yesterday, but not today. Eddie, though, that was a close call.
Really ?
It's so easy to disregard all of this,
being able to get married stuff, and what it means,
but when we were in city hall, today, in public,
in front of total strangers, I don't know,
in a few years, this is all just gonna be normal,
it'll just be a way of life and that's great,
but for us, and for all those people that came before us,
that actually had to struggle against something,
it's just pretty fucking incredible, right ?
It is.
And you can't help but feel, I don't know, validated,
even though I know we shouldn't need that validation.
I guess just because you feel you shouldn't need something,
doesn't mean you don't.
Hi, Paddy-cakes.
- Sorry I didn't get you one. - It's okay.
What are we talking about ?
Just how great it is. Them getting married.
Champagne ?
Could I please get a tequila ? Thank you.
- Have you seen Dom ? - He's around here somewhere.
I've already made a round of... I so know that look.
Weddings are awful, aren't they ? They're horrible.
You have to take solace in knowing that it's gonna end in divorce.
Malik seems to be enjoying himself.
I know ! He's dancing with a bunch of bears.
Should I be worried ? It looks like he's having fun.
Are you sure you don't wanna lock that down with a wedding ring ?
Wedding rings don't do shit. Babies, on the other hand,
so much harder to flush down the toilet.
What ?
What ? I'm so drunk, y'all. What'd I say ?
- Oh, my god, are you... - No ! I'm not...
I wouldn't be drinking if I was. If I was my mother I would be.
- You are, aren't you ? - No, I'm not, okay ?
But, okay, Sherlock Homo.
Malik and me we're talking about having a baby.
Doris, this is incredible news !
- Oh, god, is it ? - Yeah !
You don't think I'm this big, old cliché who has incredible news ?
Cliché ? No. If you wanna have a baby, you wanna have a baby, right ?
- I guess. - Does Dom know ?
No, I was gonna tell him yesterday, but then you ruined it.
- Tell him ! - Shit, take it easy.
You're making... Malik and me are talking about having a baby...
I may not even be able to have one, 'cause I'm old.
There's gonna be sand pouring out of me.
And if we have one, it's gonna a have this weird chest hair.
Are you kidding me ?
No, I'm not kidding you. We are talking about it.
Unfortunately, it's not...
- I'm gonna be an uncle ? - Yep. You can be an guncle.
Why didn't you tell me ?
I don't know, because I thought that if I was gonna have a baby
I thought I was gonna have one with you,
and I'm not going to be having one with you.
- I know, it's just so... - It's so much better !
You're spilling your beer all over me, too.
- That's just fucking amazing. - Yeah, oh, the miracle of life.
I'm not gonna get married. So don't bring that up.
It's gonna be a bastard child. That's what we want,
and for god's sakes, please let it be a gay baby.
With you as its mother, the poor fuck doesn't have a choice.
I know. But before I ruin my life, I wanna do some drugs tonight.
Pretend we're 25.
Fuck yes. Handsome Jake has some moon-rocks.
Handsome Jake ?
Handsome Jake is kind of weakening my resolve.
This evening is going to take a little turn.
I thought it was gonna be a nightmare.
Wonderful, all right. Let's do it.
This does not last forever. This feeling.
I know exactly what you're feeling. This whole misery thing it passes.
If you want it to, it will.
I'll talk to you later.
Can I cut in ?
We need to tell our kids every day that they are beautiful,
that their lives do matter, that they deserve to be healthy
and happy and safe and loved. That's what Eddie does.
Eddie does that every day when he goes to work.
And that's why I love you, Eddie,
I'm proud of you, I'm so happy that you found a man.
And thank you for inviting me to be a part of this, tonight.
Now where are those maids of dishonor ?
Patrick, get your skinny ass up here.
You beautiful boys, here we go.
I think everybody in this room
can agree that this is the most surprising thing in the world,
but, at the same time, it makes total sense, am I right ?
We love you, Paddy.
This isn't about me, I'm not gonna make this speech about me.
Never gonna happen.
I want to talk about Agustin.
We have been friends for a very long time.
And there are a million reasons why I love you.
But one of them, one of the biggest ones,
is that you have been always incredibly committed
to making the most of your life.
And even when you fuck up, and we all fuck up, right ?
You keep going despite any sort of doubts that you might have,
and you keep trying to find the things that work for you,
and you found Eddie, right ?
And it is really clear
that you two are absolutely crazy about each other,
while at the same time being incredibly realistic
about what that means, and both being really committed
to figuring out how to make that work.
And I...
I just think that that is...
Amazing ! And so, before I start openly weeping,
let's raise a cheap cocktail to Agustin and Eddie !
To Eddie and Agustin !
That too. And now, everybody, please welcome to the stage
my fellow maid of dishonor, Jake.
Patrick, thank you, that was beautiful.
Excuse me.
Hey, guys.
Better speech than last time.
Couldn't really have been any worse, right ?
Probably not. I need another drink.
Will you buy me another drink ? I don't have any cash left.
You don't think you've had enough ?
Big gay wedding, right ? I want to get super drunk
so I can forget about how dull we've all become.
Aren't you already super drunk ?
Less of the nagging fifties housewife, please, okay ?
We aren't married.
I always thought you'd be the wife. You look so good in an apron.
What was that ?
It was just a joke. You called him a nagging wife and I...
- You'd expect me to be the wife. - It was just a joke, that's all.
Is your fem-phobia a joke all of a sudden ?
- Brady... - What, I'm kidding.
No, that's okay, you can say it.
It's not the first time you've implied
I'm everything that's wrong with the gay community.
I said you and Kevin were...
- What are we talking about ? - About Patrick being a shitty gay.
I love it when gays argue with other gays about being gays.
Brady thinks he's grand minister of queer.
The leader of the gay thought police.
It's called having a brain and think about things.
Both of you, enough.
It's a little frustrating that sometimes Brady thinks
there's only one way to be gay, his way.
I'm just sick of people like you giving us a bad name, okay ?
You would think that if there was such a thing as us,
there would be a little more solidarity.
- Maybe you don't deserve it. - Brady, seriously, what the fuck ?
I will never understand why you're so intent on making me feel bad,
because I can't live up to some ideal
that I'll never live up to because it just isn't who I am.
If you feel bad, it's probably not my fault.
- Enough. Okay ? - I'm sorry, Richie, you're right.
Brady, I apologize.
And I promise to read more of your articles,
and hope that one day I can finally learn how to be gay
and be as perfectly adjusted as you.
- Yeah, fuck you. - Fuck you back !
That's it, we're out of here.
- Why are you taking his side ? - I'm not.
- Why does it feel like you are ? - This has nothing to do with sides.
Then what is it about ?
This is about you being too drunk,
and this is a party for Eddie and Agustin,
and has nothing to do with how you feel about Patrick.
- Or how he feels about you. - Typical that you would take his...
You want to be with him ? After all the shit he's put you through ?
Because I can guarantee
he will do nothing but break your heart again.
That your plan ?
You want to fly in here on your private jet
and steal my fucking boyfriend ?
- Of course not. - Let's get the fuck out of here.
You're not gonna come, are you ?
Come on, let's go.
- You okay, bud ? - He's just jealous.
Everyone can see there's something between you.
There's nothing between us.
Yet I have managed to fuck things up for him again.
- That was totally not your fault. - I could've just shut the fuck up.
You all right ?
You have a private jet ?
How come you're so fuckin' cheap if you have a private jet ?
That's a legitimate question.
I didn't come here to just ruin everybody's weekend.
Can we please just dance ?
Let's just all get on the dance floor and dance.
Let's do it !
I should tell you something.
I'm thinking about leaving San Francisco.
What do you mean ?
I've been thinking about it for a long time.
You mean leaving, like, for good ?
You did it. You had the guts to do it.
Yeah but I think I was just running away.
Who cares ? Sometimes, running away is exactly what you need to do.
But you were born here. This is your home, you've always been here.
Exactly. Everyone else gets to come here.
- I never had that. - Where you gonna go ?
- I have some family in Texas. - What are you gonna do in Texas ?
I could take the truck. I can work.
At least there I might get to do more than just fades
and hipster bullshit.
Better not go to Austin, then.
It's funny or ironic, that you're thinking about leaving,
because just today,
I was offered a job back here.
- Shit ! - What ?
- I don't want you to do that. - What ?
Come back here.
I need to do this
and I don't need the temptation to stay.
I gotta get my head straight, 'cause it's all over the place.
And there's so much that I need to sort out.
Like what ?
I've been in a relationship for a year
with a guy that I wasn't in love with.
I think right now, I just need to be alone.
I get that.
I get your desire to be alone.
That's what I've just done for the last nine months.
But at the same time, being back here,
I've realized that being alone isn't all it's cracked up to be.
- We aren't the same person. - We're not that different either.
Wouldn't you like to be with someone
while you work through your shit ?
Someone who understands you, someone who cares about you ?
That way you have someone to hang out with.
You against the world.
You've got someone to make out with.
Someone to sit on the sofa and eat takeout with.
Someone to get old and grey and watch The Goonies with.
Hey, you guys !
Oh, my god, you saw it !
Twice.
You saw it twice ? Wow, you must have liked it.
Okay, so, what are we gonna do ?
This is insane.
I just broke up with Brady not even two hours ago.
We can't do this now.
I know. And if you want me to shut up, I will,
but if that's the case, then why did you come back tonight ?
Why did you come back to the Endup ?
What are you suggesting we do ?
I'm not going to Denver, that's for sure,
and I really need to get out of here.
Then...
- How about I come to Texas ? - What ?
I'll come with you or I'll go there after you've gotten settled.
You have a job in Denver. You have another job lined up here.
I can work remotely.
I'll do my own thing. I've always wanted to do that.
Do they have computers in Texas ?
And what happens when you've sobered up ?
When the wedding's over and you've lost this sense of romance ?
- Is that what you're scared of ? - Of course I am.
I have met you.
What happens when you freak out ? Again.
I am so sick of taking care of people.
I don't want to do that again.
I don't need you to take care of me, Richie. Okay, I don't.
I want to be with you while you figure out
whatever it is you need to figure out.
You told me once that you were this close to falling in love with me.
I was in love with you back then,
I'm in love with you now,
except I was afraid of that feeling.
I'm not afraid anymore.
What happens if it doesn't work out ? What do we do then ?
If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. But at least we tried.
Do you want to try ?
Come in here !
This city drives me crazy,
but right now it feels like the best place in the world.
Yes, it does.
These eggs are disgusting, but they are so good.
Is that the moon-rocks ?
I think you should come back. What do you think, guys ?
Come back down from the mountains
and live with us happily ever after.