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00:00:01,833 --> 00:00:04,133
( audience cheering )
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00:00:05,466 --> 00:00:08,466
( hip-hop music playing )
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Whoa!
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00:00:35,433 --> 00:00:39,100
Yeah, Cleveland.
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00:00:39,133 --> 00:00:41,100
What's up, Cleveland?
How you all feeling?
Everybody good?
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Y'all good?
Everybody straight?
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Cold as shit out
this bitch, ain't it?
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I don't like that--
All this snow.
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I don't like that shit.
Y'all got that slushy shit,
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00:00:50,566 --> 00:00:53,200
that slipping snow.
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Hey, look--
God damn it.
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There's slush.
There's slush right there.
Watch the slush.
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I don't like that shit.
Y'all ain't supposed to
have snow out here.
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I don't like that shit.
Y'all ain't supposed to
have snow out here.
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00:01:01,333 --> 00:01:03,466
Good year for y'all though.
Right now got--
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Before I even get started,
shouts out to--
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-
( woman shouts )
- Hey, sugar foot.
How you doing?
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00:01:07,733 --> 00:01:10,200
How you doing, sweetie?
Get it out now.
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Before we get started,
shouts out to my man Shaq
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up front showing love.
The cavs.
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( cheering )
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00:01:17,533 --> 00:01:19,500
My man LeBron in the house.
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Shout out to our boy
LeBron in the house.
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It's a good year for y'all.
A good year for y'all.
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00:01:26,833 --> 00:01:30,000
Y'all might do it.
Y'all might do it.
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Y'all might do it.
Y'all might do it.
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All right, y'all got me
up here for a while, all right?
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And this time--
About an hour.
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00:01:35,533 --> 00:01:37,266
I'm gonna be up here
about an hour.
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Now in this time y'all gonna
hear a lot of stuff.
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00:01:38,833 --> 00:01:40,566
I'm not gonna lie to y'all.
Don't judge me.
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I don't want nobody
judging me.
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00:01:43,333 --> 00:01:45,033
I love to be honest
when I'm on stage.
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I talk about things that
I know-- My family, my kids.
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I love to talk
about my babies.
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Two babies--
Little boy and little girl.
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Now I used to talk about
my son being a dumb baby.
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I used to.
I'm serious, I did.
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I thought my baby
was a dumb baby.
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But now I've realized he's not
dumb, he just does dumb shit.
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Like, I don't like the way
my son throws his tantrums.
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Like, I don't like the way
my son throws his tantrums.
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You know, when a baby
throws a tantrum
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he's supposed to fall out,
cry, roll on the ground.
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00:02:06,566 --> 00:02:08,766
That's a tantrum.
This is not a joke,
this is for real.
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00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:10,733
This is what my son does
when he gets mad.
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00:02:10,766 --> 00:02:13,133
I'm not lying.
Don't make me laugh. Look.
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00:02:13,166 --> 00:02:15,500
This is what he do.
He goes...
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00:02:17,266 --> 00:02:19,133
This is what he do.
He go...
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00:02:22,733 --> 00:02:25,800
It's the most retarded thing
I've ever seen in my life.
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00:02:25,833 --> 00:02:27,800
I can't say nothing.
I got to wait till he's finished
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00:02:27,833 --> 00:02:30,000
then explain to people
what happened.
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00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:30,100
then explain to people
what happened.
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00:02:30,133 --> 00:02:33,166
He got an attitude
'cause he can't get no candy.
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00:02:34,766 --> 00:02:36,533
My baby is weird, man.
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00:02:36,566 --> 00:02:38,433
When he gets mad
he gets in the oven.
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I swear to God.
He gets in the oven.
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Then get an attitude with me
when I get him out.
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00:02:43,066 --> 00:02:45,500
Boy, get your ass
out of the damn oven.
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00:02:47,166 --> 00:02:50,333
Get your ass out of the oven
before I turn it on.
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00:02:50,366 --> 00:02:53,100
When I say that he go,
"hot. Hot.
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00:02:53,133 --> 00:02:57,066
That thing hot, daddy."
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00:02:57,100 --> 00:02:58,633
I love him
to death though, man.
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00:02:58,666 --> 00:03:00,000
Two-- A little boy
and little girl.
Now my daughter,
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00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:01,033
Two-- A little boy
and little girl.
Now my daughter,
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00:03:01,066 --> 00:03:03,266
my daughter's
a different ballgame.
My daughter's spoiled, man.
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00:03:03,300 --> 00:03:04,800
About to be five.
Spoiled. I'm not gonna lie.
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00:03:04,833 --> 00:03:06,433
I spoil her.
That's what I'm supposed to do.
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00:03:06,466 --> 00:03:09,300
She's at that age now
though where she knows.
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00:03:09,333 --> 00:03:12,300
She knows how to play me
and her mom against each other.
She knows how to make us fight.
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Here's how she got me
in trouble the other day.
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She came in the room,
she hit me with the soft voice.
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She's like, "dad,
can I have a cookie?"
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00:03:18,166 --> 00:03:20,066
I said, "yeah, baby.
Let's go get a cookie."
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00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:21,566
I start walking
towards the kitchen.
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00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:23,466
Out of nowhere
all I hear is,
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00:03:23,500 --> 00:03:26,366
"don't give her
no goddamn cookie!"
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Scared the shit out of me.
I stopped.
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I didn't know what it was.
I thought it was Jesus at first.
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I didn't know what it was.
I thought it was Jesus at first.
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00:03:32,466 --> 00:03:34,700
I went, "why can't she
have a cookie, Jesus?
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00:03:34,733 --> 00:03:37,133
What did she do?"
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00:03:37,166 --> 00:03:40,033
But here's how smart she is.
She knew how to get a reaction
out of me.
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00:03:40,066 --> 00:03:42,700
She looked at me.
She said, "dad, I thought you
was the king of the house."
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When she said that,
it set me off.
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It riled me up.
So I snapped.
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00:03:46,666 --> 00:03:49,633
I said, "what the fuck
you mean she can't have
no goddamn cookie?
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00:03:49,666 --> 00:03:52,466
Why'd you buy the cookies
if can't nobody eat a cookie?
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00:03:52,500 --> 00:03:55,133
That makes you stupid for
buying uneatable cookies.
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00:03:55,166 --> 00:03:56,433
Ain't nobody
getting a cookie."
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00:03:56,466 --> 00:03:57,733
I shut the whole cookie
operation down.
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00:03:57,766 --> 00:03:59,633
I grabbed the cookies,
got my ladder,
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put them on top
of the refrigerator.
Then I hid my ladder.
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00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:02,733
put them on top
of the refrigerator.
Then I hid my ladder.
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00:04:02,766 --> 00:04:05,700
It wasn't a big ladder.
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00:04:05,733 --> 00:04:07,666
Three steps.
It's a ladder for thugs.
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00:04:07,700 --> 00:04:09,733
Pap pap pap,
real quick.
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00:04:09,766 --> 00:04:12,166
Little thug ladder.
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00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:15,033
This parenting thing is hard.
You need patience.
100
00:04:15,066 --> 00:04:16,700
Got to have a lot of patience
to deal with these kids.
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I'm not gonna lie,
I don't have a lot of patience.
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I'm learning.
I'm trying.
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Certain things
make me mad.
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Like, I don't like it
when I tell my kids
to do stuff
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00:04:24,766 --> 00:04:26,566
and they do
exactly what I say.
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I want you to do
what I say,
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00:04:28,300 --> 00:04:30,000
but I want you to do it how
I pictured you doing it.
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00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:31,200
but I want you to do it how
I pictured you doing it.
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00:04:31,233 --> 00:04:32,800
Don't do it the way
you want to do it.
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Do it the way I saw you doing it
when I told you to do it.
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00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:37,733
It might be confusing,
but this is serious to me.
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00:04:37,766 --> 00:04:40,366
The other day my son,
he's suped up off candy.
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He's running
all over the house.
I got mad.
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"Hey, that's it.
Come here.
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Shut it down.
Go to bed."
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Swear to God,
this is what he did.
This made me so mad.
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Standing up,
this is what he did.
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I said, "go to bed."
He said, "ah"
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( snoring )
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I was so mad.
"Wake your damn ass up.
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You don't sleep standing up.
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You're not no vampire."
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You're not no vampire."
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00:05:03,066 --> 00:05:05,766
I was mad 'cause I didn't know
how to explain why I was mad.
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You don't close your eyes till
your brain tells your body
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to shut everything down.
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00:05:14,466 --> 00:05:17,733
I got a lot of fears, man.
I got a lot of fears
as a parent.
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00:05:17,766 --> 00:05:19,700
Let me tell you guys
one of my biggest fears.
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00:05:19,733 --> 00:05:23,133
One of my biggest fears is my
son growing up and being gay.
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00:05:23,166 --> 00:05:25,766
That's a fear.
Keep in mind I'm not homophobic.
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I have nothing against
gay people. Be happy,
do what you wanna do.
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00:05:28,733 --> 00:05:30,000
But me being
a heterosexual male,
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00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:30,733
But me being
a heterosexual male,
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00:05:30,766 --> 00:05:33,333
if I can prevent my son
from being gay, I will.
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00:05:33,366 --> 00:05:36,033
Now with that being said,
I don't know
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00:05:36,066 --> 00:05:40,466
if I handled my son's
first gay moment correctly.
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00:05:40,500 --> 00:05:43,533
Every kid has a gay moment.
Okay? Every kid.
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00:05:43,566 --> 00:05:45,400
But when it happens,
you've got to nip it
in the bud.
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00:05:45,433 --> 00:05:48,433
You got to stop it right then.
"Hey, stop! That's gay!"
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00:05:48,466 --> 00:05:51,433
It's quick.
"No!"
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00:05:51,466 --> 00:05:56,100
I don't know if I handled
my son's situation right.
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00:05:56,133 --> 00:05:58,033
Okay? He's at
a birthday party, right?
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00:05:58,066 --> 00:06:00,000
My son's at a birthday party,
he's playing.
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00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:00,166
My son's at a birthday party,
he's playing.
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00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:02,466
You know when kids play,
they just play.
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00:06:02,500 --> 00:06:04,200
You don't know what
they're doing but they're
having a good time.
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00:06:04,233 --> 00:06:06,533
They're just doing
a bunch of stuff, right?
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00:06:06,566 --> 00:06:09,066
They're moving around.
I said, "okay, he's good."
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00:06:09,100 --> 00:06:11,766
I finished talking,
I turn back around to
check on my son again,
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00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:16,366
a little boy was grinding
on my son's ass.
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00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:18,133
He was like this.
I didn't know what to do.
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00:06:18,166 --> 00:06:20,566
I panicked.
I knocked them both down.
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00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:23,700
"Hey, what's going on here?
What kind of party is this?
154
00:06:23,733 --> 00:06:26,700
Huh? What kind
of party is this?
155
00:06:26,733 --> 00:06:29,500
What's going on here?"
This lady came out.
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00:06:29,533 --> 00:06:30,000
She was like,
"what are you doing?
They're kids, let them play."
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00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:32,100
She was like,
"what are you doing?
They're kids, let them play."
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00:06:32,133 --> 00:06:36,033
I said, "you show me another
kid getting fucked in the ass
and I'll calm down."
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00:06:36,066 --> 00:06:39,466
My son had on corduroys.
That's why I had attitude.
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00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:41,433
I didn't see it,
I heard it.
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00:06:41,466 --> 00:06:43,500
All I heard was...
Brr brr brr.
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00:06:43,533 --> 00:06:47,433
"What the? Who the hell
is playing with cards?
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00:06:47,466 --> 00:06:51,033
What is that?
Is somebody shuffling cards?
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00:06:51,066 --> 00:06:54,566
They're too young
for spades here."
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00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:57,133
The thing
that pissed me off--
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00:06:57,166 --> 00:06:59,133
Here's what
pissed me off, man.
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00:06:59,166 --> 00:07:00,000
I was eating a buffalo wing
when it happened.
168
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:01,666
I was eating a buffalo wing
when it happened.
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00:07:01,700 --> 00:07:03,633
I should have dropped
the wing and ran over there,
170
00:07:03,666 --> 00:07:05,700
but I licked
my fingers first.
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00:07:05,733 --> 00:07:07,733
I didn't mean it.
I said, "hey!
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00:07:07,766 --> 00:07:10,566
Boy!"
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00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:13,466
The black in me came out.
174
00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:15,533
There's a lot of pressure
dealing with kids, man.
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00:07:15,566 --> 00:07:17,300
But I'm learning.
Here's one thing I've learned.
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00:07:17,333 --> 00:07:19,233
Here's why my patience
is getting better.
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00:07:19,266 --> 00:07:21,633
I'VE REALIZED THIS:
My kids are gonna
make mistakes.
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00:07:21,666 --> 00:07:24,233
The reason why--
When I was a kid
I made mistakes.
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00:07:24,266 --> 00:07:26,166
I did a lot
of stupid stuff as a child.
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00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:28,300
My blood's in them.
They're gonna follow suit.
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00:07:28,333 --> 00:07:30,000
With that being said,
I don't get as mad
as I used to.
182
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:30,800
With that being said,
I don't get as mad
as I used to.
183
00:07:30,833 --> 00:07:33,766
I'm calming down.
My daughter cursed for
the first time the other day.
184
00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:36,133
I didn't get mad.
We was watching "SpongeBob."
185
00:07:36,166 --> 00:07:37,733
Something happened
to Patrick.
186
00:07:37,766 --> 00:07:40,333
Out of nowhere she got mad.
She's like, "shit!"
187
00:07:40,366 --> 00:07:43,333
I said, "wait, what?
What did you say?"
188
00:07:43,366 --> 00:07:46,466
She's like, "shit!
They got Patrick, dad.
You not watching?"
189
00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:50,133
I said, "whoa.
All right."
190
00:07:50,166 --> 00:07:52,533
Here's why I didn't
get an attitude.
191
00:07:52,566 --> 00:07:54,733
I'm gonna tell you why
I didn't get an attitude.
192
00:07:54,766 --> 00:07:57,200
I didn't give her
attitude because I remember
my first time cussing.
193
00:07:57,233 --> 00:08:00,000
My first time cussing
was 'cause my mom smacked me
in front of company.
194
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:00,400
My first time cussing
was 'cause my mom smacked me
in front of company.
195
00:08:00,433 --> 00:08:02,500
My friends
was over my house.
I'm downstairs.
196
00:08:02,533 --> 00:08:04,233
We're playing,
we're having a good time.
197
00:08:04,266 --> 00:08:06,066
My mom comes downstairs,
she said, "hey.
198
00:08:06,100 --> 00:08:08,133
I told you to keep it down.
You don't run this house,
199
00:08:08,166 --> 00:08:10,800
I do, okay?
With that being said,
that's it.
200
00:08:10,833 --> 00:08:12,600
You're done.
Go to bed."
201
00:08:12,633 --> 00:08:14,533
Smacked me.
Sent me up to my room.
202
00:08:14,566 --> 00:08:16,466
Now you know
when you get smacked
when you're a kid
203
00:08:16,500 --> 00:08:18,533
you get hyped
when you get by yourself.
204
00:08:18,566 --> 00:08:21,700
"You gonna smack me, bitch?
205
00:08:21,733 --> 00:08:24,066
( shrieking )
In front of my friends?
206
00:08:24,100 --> 00:08:26,700
You gonna smack me?!"
207
00:08:26,733 --> 00:08:30,000
I was emotional.
I was an emotional-ass kid.
208
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:31,266
I was emotional.
I was an emotional-ass kid.
209
00:08:31,300 --> 00:08:34,233
"I'm running away!
That's it!"
210
00:08:34,266 --> 00:08:36,266
I packed a bag
and everything.
211
00:08:36,300 --> 00:08:38,733
You know how many times
I packed a bag with a toy?
212
00:08:38,766 --> 00:08:41,033
I packed a bag
with one toy.
213
00:08:41,066 --> 00:08:42,700
"I'm out.
I'm sick of it.
214
00:08:42,733 --> 00:08:45,766
Me and He-Man are out."
215
00:08:48,366 --> 00:08:52,100
My mom gave me permission
to cuss one time.
216
00:08:52,133 --> 00:08:54,033
One time she gave me
permission to cuss.
217
00:08:54,066 --> 00:08:55,700
I'm in school,
I'm being bad.
218
00:08:55,733 --> 00:08:57,766
My teacher got mad.
Said, "Kevin, come here."
219
00:08:57,800 --> 00:09:00,133
Told me to come to
the front of the class.
Wrote a note,
220
00:09:00,166 --> 00:09:02,066
stapled the note
to my chest.
221
00:09:02,100 --> 00:09:03,700
Said, "make sure your mother
reads the note."
222
00:09:03,733 --> 00:09:05,433
I get home,
my mom reads the note.
223
00:09:05,466 --> 00:09:07,766
The note said, "maybe if
you showed your son
224
00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:11,166
some more attention
at home, he wouldn't act
like a fool in school."
225
00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:14,166
My mom read the note.
She said, "let me tell
you something.
226
00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:17,166
You tell her
mind her damn business
227
00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:18,111
before I come down there
and I beat her ass."
228
00:09:18,111 --> 00:09:21,033
before I come down there
and I beat her ass."
229
00:09:21,066 --> 00:09:23,666
I said, "okay. You want me
to say it like that?
230
00:09:23,700 --> 00:09:25,433
Or do you want me
to take some stuff out?"
231
00:09:25,466 --> 00:09:29,433
"What I say?
Tell her mind
her damn business
232
00:09:29,466 --> 00:09:32,033
before I come down there
and I beat her ass."
233
00:09:32,066 --> 00:09:34,233
I said, "no,
I heard what you said.
I just want to make sure
234
00:09:34,266 --> 00:09:36,400
that you know that
you're telling me to say
the same thing."
235
00:09:36,433 --> 00:09:39,100
"Kevin, if I tell you
again I'm gonna smack
the shit out of you."
236
00:09:39,133 --> 00:09:42,633
"Okay. No, I got it.
Okay, I got it.
237
00:09:42,666 --> 00:09:44,466
Okay, I got it.
No, I got it.
238
00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:46,266
All right, okay."
239
00:09:46,300 --> 00:09:48,111
Keep in mind it's a lot
of pressure, all right?
240
00:09:48,111 --> 00:09:48,533
Keep in mind it's a lot
of pressure, all right?
241
00:09:48,566 --> 00:09:51,400
My mom just gave me
permission to go to school
and cuss my teacher out.
242
00:09:51,433 --> 00:09:53,166
I didn't feel comfortable
with the situation.
243
00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:55,033
So I wanted to practice.
I wanted to go upstairs,
244
00:09:55,066 --> 00:09:56,566
I wanted to go
over my lines.
245
00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:59,600
So I'm in the mirror,
I'm going over my lines.
246
00:09:59,633 --> 00:10:02,466
I'm like, "okay, all right.
Okay, all right. Okay.
247
00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:06,133
My mom told me
to tell you
248
00:10:06,166 --> 00:10:07,700
to mind your damn--
249
00:10:07,733 --> 00:10:10,133
No, that's too loud.
That's way too loud.
250
00:10:10,166 --> 00:10:12,566
That's not believable.
It's too loud."
251
00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:14,733
Finally I go over it.
I get it down.
252
00:10:14,766 --> 00:10:17,666
I'm like, you know what?
I'm gonna go to bed early,
get some rest.
253
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:18,111
'cause I got a big day
ahead of me tomorrow.
254
00:10:18,111 --> 00:10:19,600
'cause I got a big day
ahead of me tomorrow.
255
00:10:19,633 --> 00:10:21,766
I don't want
to mess this up.
256
00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:24,533
So I go to bed.
I wake up, get dressed.
257
00:10:24,566 --> 00:10:26,800
Put on my pants and my shirt.
I get on the school bus.
258
00:10:26,833 --> 00:10:28,233
All my friends see me.
They get hyped.
259
00:10:28,266 --> 00:10:30,766
"Ooh, Kevin's on the bus.
260
00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:33,566
Everybody look.
Kevin's on the bus.
What up, Kev?"
261
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:35,766
I was like,
"yo, not today, y'all.
262
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:37,700
I got a lot of stuff
on my mind.
263
00:10:37,733 --> 00:10:40,266
I can't really have
y'all throwing me off."
264
00:10:40,300 --> 00:10:42,133
My friends was like,
"what are you talking about?"
265
00:10:42,166 --> 00:10:44,033
"I can't really get into it.
All I can tell y'all
266
00:10:44,066 --> 00:10:46,333
is that it's about
to go down."
267
00:10:46,366 --> 00:10:48,111
He was like, "what?"
I said, "look, man.
268
00:10:48,111 --> 00:10:48,700
He was like, "what?"
I said, "look, man.
269
00:10:48,733 --> 00:10:51,200
It's about to go down.
Just be behind me when
I walk in class."
270
00:10:51,233 --> 00:10:53,500
He said,
"all right, cool."
I walk in class,
271
00:10:53,533 --> 00:10:56,400
miss green my teacher,
she starts speaking
to everybody.
272
00:10:56,433 --> 00:10:59,466
"Hello. Good morning.
Good morning. Hello.
273
00:10:59,500 --> 00:11:02,333
Hello. Good morning."
She sees me, she was like,
274
00:11:02,366 --> 00:11:05,033
"Kevin."
I said, "miss green."
275
00:11:05,066 --> 00:11:07,133
She said, "did you let
your mother read the note?"
276
00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:09,566
I said, "yes I did."
277
00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:12,066
She said, "well, what did
your mother say?"
278
00:11:12,100 --> 00:11:14,033
I took a deep breath.
I looked at my friends.
279
00:11:14,066 --> 00:11:16,733
I was like,
"it's about to go down."
280
00:11:16,766 --> 00:11:18,111
I said, "well...
281
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:20,433
I said, "well...
282
00:11:20,466 --> 00:11:23,466
My mom told me to tell you
283
00:11:23,500 --> 00:11:27,633
to mind your damn
motherfucking business, bitch.
284
00:11:27,666 --> 00:11:29,533
Little stupid bitch.
285
00:11:29,566 --> 00:11:31,700
Little dumb teacher bitch.
286
00:11:31,733 --> 00:11:35,133
2+2 not knowing what
the fuck it is bitch.
287
00:11:35,166 --> 00:11:39,233
Cross-eyed, crying down
your back fat foot ass bitch.
288
00:11:39,266 --> 00:11:42,666
Long tittied, no nipple
having ass bitch."
289
00:11:42,700 --> 00:11:45,533
The shit was crazy.
290
00:11:45,566 --> 00:11:48,111
My friends was in the back
and they was like, "oooh!
291
00:11:48,111 --> 00:11:49,500
My friends was in the back
and they was like, "oooh!
292
00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:54,233
He said she ain't had
no nipples."
293
00:11:55,666 --> 00:11:58,200
I got suspended.
I got suspended
294
00:11:58,233 --> 00:12:00,100
and an ass whipping.
295
00:12:00,133 --> 00:12:02,166
My mom beat the shit
out of me when I got home.
296
00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:04,366
"I told you to say
two cuss words.
297
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:07,133
You said 76 of them."
298
00:12:07,166 --> 00:12:09,533
I thought I was
Samuel L. Jackson.
299
00:12:09,566 --> 00:12:11,600
I'm sick and tired of these
motherfucking teachers in this
motherfucking school.
300
00:12:11,633 --> 00:12:13,766
I had a trench coat on
and I flapped it.
301
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:17,800
You know when you flap it,
you got to get that
air under it.
302
00:12:17,833 --> 00:12:18,111
Like fuck
everybody in this bitch.
I don't give a shit.
303
00:12:18,111 --> 00:12:20,333
Like fuck
everybody in this bitch.
I don't give a shit.
304
00:12:20,366 --> 00:12:23,000
I'm a goddamn thug.
305
00:12:25,766 --> 00:12:28,333
You can't be so hard
on your kids, man.
306
00:12:28,366 --> 00:12:30,433
One of my friends
got a teenage daughter.
307
00:12:30,466 --> 00:12:33,066
He too strict.
I told him, "you got to relax.
308
00:12:33,100 --> 00:12:35,266
That girl gonna do
what she want to do when
you're not around anyway.
309
00:12:35,300 --> 00:12:37,666
Relax, man."
He said, "Kev, let me
tell you something.
310
00:12:37,700 --> 00:12:39,233
Do what you want to do
with your kids.
311
00:12:39,266 --> 00:12:40,600
Don't tell me how
to raise my kids."
312
00:12:40,633 --> 00:12:42,366
I said, "you're right.
I apologize."
313
00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:45,266
Now this isn't funny,
but it made me laugh, okay?
314
00:12:45,300 --> 00:12:48,033
He goes to his daughter's
phone and he finds a picture
315
00:12:48,066 --> 00:12:48,111
of a little boy's thing
on the phone. Right?
316
00:12:48,111 --> 00:12:51,066
of a little boy's thing
on the phone. Right?
317
00:12:51,100 --> 00:12:54,400
Now it's my friend, okay?
Tells me everything.
318
00:12:54,433 --> 00:12:57,433
It's not funny that he
found a picture of a little
boy's thing on the phone.
319
00:12:57,466 --> 00:12:59,133
It was funny
the way he told me.
320
00:12:59,166 --> 00:13:01,133
He confides in me.
He tells me everything.
321
00:13:01,166 --> 00:13:03,466
He comes on the tour bus,
he mad as shit.
322
00:13:03,500 --> 00:13:05,500
He says, "Kev, you're
not gonna believe this.
I go through Tiffany's phone.
323
00:13:05,533 --> 00:13:08,466
I found a picture of a little
boy's, uh, situation
324
00:13:08,500 --> 00:13:10,566
on the phone."
325
00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:12,333
I said, "what?
What?"
326
00:13:12,366 --> 00:13:14,333
"I found a picture
of the hot dog
327
00:13:14,366 --> 00:13:16,600
without the bun
on the phone."
328
00:13:16,633 --> 00:13:18,111
"What are you talking--"
"A tallynackle. She had--
329
00:13:18,111 --> 00:13:20,133
"What are you talking--"
"A tallynackle. She had--
330
00:13:20,166 --> 00:13:23,500
It's a dick on the phone!
She got a dick on the phone!"
331
00:13:23,533 --> 00:13:26,800
I didn't know what to say
so I just kept repeating
what he said.
332
00:13:26,833 --> 00:13:29,033
I said, "so you're telling me
he is a dick on the phone?"
333
00:13:29,066 --> 00:13:31,200
He said, "there's a dick
on the phone."
334
00:13:31,233 --> 00:13:33,466
"So right now if I look
in the phone there's gonna
be a dick in it?"
335
00:13:33,500 --> 00:13:35,700
I said,
"well, what you gonna do?"
336
00:13:35,733 --> 00:13:37,333
He said, "what you
think I'm gonna do?
I'm about to go to the school."
337
00:13:37,366 --> 00:13:39,400
I said, "why you going
to the school?"
338
00:13:39,433 --> 00:13:41,700
He said, "why you think?
I'm about to find out
whose dick it was.
339
00:13:41,733 --> 00:13:43,666
That's why I'm going
to the school."
340
00:13:43,700 --> 00:13:45,400
I said, "yo, I don't think
that's a good look.
341
00:13:45,433 --> 00:13:47,233
I don't think
you should do that.
342
00:13:47,266 --> 00:13:48,111
I don't think you should
go to the school
with a picture
343
00:13:48,111 --> 00:13:48,733
I don't think you should
go to the school
with a picture
344
00:13:48,766 --> 00:13:50,666
of a little boy's dick
in the phone
345
00:13:50,700 --> 00:13:53,100
and try to match it up
to other little boys.
346
00:13:53,133 --> 00:13:55,533
That's a little pedophile-ish,
don't you think?
347
00:13:55,566 --> 00:13:59,166
You'll be in jail
before 3:00."
348
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:01,300
He said,
"well, what would you do?"
349
00:14:01,333 --> 00:14:03,466
By far the most difficult
question I've ever been
asked in my life.
350
00:14:03,500 --> 00:14:05,666
He said, "what would you do?"
I thought about it.
I don't know.
351
00:14:05,700 --> 00:14:08,366
I don't know what I would
do if I found a picture
352
00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:10,300
of a little boy's thing
on my daughter's phone.
I don't know what I'd do.
353
00:14:10,333 --> 00:14:13,033
I'd probably
punch her in the throat.
I don't know.
354
00:14:13,066 --> 00:14:14,700
'cause I got a son too, okay?
355
00:14:14,733 --> 00:14:16,700
If I found out that my son is
pulling his thing out at school,
356
00:14:16,733 --> 00:14:18,111
when his mother's around
I'm gonna have an attitude.
357
00:14:18,111 --> 00:14:18,666
when his mother's around
I'm gonna have an attitude.
358
00:14:18,700 --> 00:14:20,600
I'm gonna have a lot
of stuff to say.
359
00:14:20,633 --> 00:14:25,233
"Really? Really, dude?
That's what you
do at school?
360
00:14:25,266 --> 00:14:28,366
So you don't need pants
'cause your dick is out,
361
00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:30,400
that's what
you're telling me?"
362
00:14:30,433 --> 00:14:32,433
As soon as his mom leaves--
"Hey, come here.
363
00:14:32,466 --> 00:14:34,666
What she say
when she saw it?
364
00:14:34,700 --> 00:14:37,066
Give me some.
Give me some. Yes!
365
00:14:37,100 --> 00:14:40,066
Hell yeah! Sometimes
you got to put it
on the table, son.
366
00:14:40,100 --> 00:14:41,766
Let 'em see it.
We small but we big
367
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:44,366
at the same time.
Let 'em know."
368
00:14:47,166 --> 00:14:48,111
I'm a different type
of parent.
369
00:14:48,111 --> 00:14:49,400
I'm a different type
of parent.
370
00:14:49,433 --> 00:14:51,400
I am a different
type of parent.
371
00:14:51,433 --> 00:14:54,700
I'm not gonna lie.
Certain things I do
differently.
372
00:14:54,733 --> 00:14:56,700
I don't like babysitting.
I can admit that.
373
00:14:56,733 --> 00:14:58,733
I don't like watching
my kids by myself--
374
00:14:58,766 --> 00:15:00,633
Too much pressure.
375
00:15:00,666 --> 00:15:04,033
No man does.
No man in this room
is a good babysitter.
376
00:15:04,066 --> 00:15:06,366
I can tell you how
every man in this room
watches kids.
377
00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:08,566
We sit on the couch
378
00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:11,666
and listen for shit.
379
00:15:11,700 --> 00:15:14,366
That's how we watch our kids.
Kids do whatever they want
when they're with dad.
380
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:16,433
"Hey! Hey!
381
00:15:23,566 --> 00:15:26,466
I know y'all
not in that toilet.
382
00:15:26,500 --> 00:15:29,366
Y'all better not
be in that toilet!"
383
00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:31,166
We ain't
gonna do nothing.
384
00:15:34,733 --> 00:15:39,433
I definitely don't like
watching other people's kids.
It's too much pressure.
385
00:15:39,466 --> 00:15:41,300
There's nothing worse
than watching somebody
else's baby
386
00:15:41,333 --> 00:15:43,400
and you give them
their baby back
in a condition
387
00:15:43,433 --> 00:15:45,700
that they didn't
give you their baby in.
388
00:15:45,733 --> 00:15:48,111
Like you ever have
to explain something
before they see their baby?
389
00:15:48,111 --> 00:15:48,333
Like you ever have
to explain something
before they see their baby?
390
00:15:48,366 --> 00:15:50,466
"Hey, real quick before
you look at your baby.
391
00:15:50,500 --> 00:15:53,766
Uh, your baby had two eyes
for sure,
right?
392
00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:56,633
Okay, so it
happened here.
393
00:15:56,666 --> 00:15:59,466
LONG STORY SHORT:
Gas went off in the kitchen,
394
00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:01,400
blew the back
of your baby's face out.
395
00:16:01,433 --> 00:16:03,366
It was crazy.
My baby knew what to do.
He got in the oven.
396
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:05,400
Your baby just stood there.
397
00:16:05,433 --> 00:16:08,333
Y'all don't run in your house?
Don't nobody run in your house?"
398
00:16:10,366 --> 00:16:12,200
I had one little girl
get hurt over at my house.
399
00:16:12,233 --> 00:16:14,600
Scariest thing ever, man.
One little girl, right?
400
00:16:14,633 --> 00:16:17,566
My daughter got
real big bunk beds.
401
00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:18,111
I'm in the living room.
I'm watching TV.
402
00:16:18,111 --> 00:16:19,266
I'm in the living room.
I'm watching TV.
403
00:16:19,300 --> 00:16:21,266
Her and her friends,
they in the room playing.
404
00:16:21,300 --> 00:16:23,200
Out of nowhere,
I hear a loud bang.
405
00:16:23,233 --> 00:16:25,266
Bang!
Little girl start crying.
406
00:16:25,300 --> 00:16:27,466
Aah! Aaaaaah!
407
00:16:29,466 --> 00:16:32,433
I come in the room,
the girls are standing
around her.
408
00:16:32,466 --> 00:16:34,466
They all standing
around her. One girl
is on her knee
409
00:16:34,500 --> 00:16:37,333
looking at her face to face.
This is what almost
MADE ME LAUGH:
410
00:16:37,366 --> 00:16:40,500
When I came in the room,
the girl looked at me
like "hm hm hm."
411
00:16:40,533 --> 00:16:43,166
But I can't laugh
'cause I'm in daddy mode.
412
00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:45,466
I've got to figure out
what happened. I go
to my daughter.
413
00:16:45,500 --> 00:16:47,066
It's her room.
She's responsible.
414
00:16:47,100 --> 00:16:48,111
I said, "heaven, c'mere.
Come here.
415
00:16:48,111 --> 00:16:49,133
I said, "heaven, c'mere.
Come here.
416
00:16:49,166 --> 00:16:52,600
It's your room.
You're responsible.
What happened?"
417
00:16:52,633 --> 00:16:55,400
It's very hard to take
a kid out of play mode.
418
00:16:55,433 --> 00:16:59,500
When kids are playing,
they don't know that shit
just got real.
419
00:16:59,533 --> 00:17:03,500
They don't know.
In her mind it's still a game.
I said, "what happened?"
420
00:17:03,533 --> 00:17:07,400
This is what my daughter did.
She said, "ho!
421
00:17:07,433 --> 00:17:09,233
Daddy!
422
00:17:09,266 --> 00:17:11,300
( shrieks )
Daddy!"
423
00:17:11,333 --> 00:17:14,500
You ever see kids
do that shake shit?
( shrieks )
424
00:17:14,533 --> 00:17:17,300
"What is wrong with--
Stop. Stop shaking your face.
425
00:17:17,333 --> 00:17:18,111
Stop.
What happened?"
426
00:17:18,111 --> 00:17:19,500
Stop.
What happened?"
427
00:17:19,533 --> 00:17:21,200
This is the story
my baby told me.
428
00:17:21,233 --> 00:17:23,433
She said,
"we got monsters, daddy.
429
00:17:23,466 --> 00:17:25,366
There's a bunch
of monsters in here.
The prince came out,
430
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:26,800
told us to get
in the castle.
431
00:17:26,833 --> 00:17:28,666
The castle was at the top
of the bunk bed.
432
00:17:28,700 --> 00:17:31,133
We got up there,
there was too many
people in the castle,
433
00:17:31,166 --> 00:17:33,133
so...
434
00:17:33,166 --> 00:17:36,266
Somebody had to go.
435
00:17:38,433 --> 00:17:40,433
We took a vote and she lost.
I kicked her off."
436
00:17:40,466 --> 00:17:43,500
"Wait, what?
What?"
437
00:17:43,533 --> 00:17:45,666
"I kicked her off, dad.
It could've been anybody."
438
00:17:45,700 --> 00:17:47,633
( chuckles )
439
00:17:47,666 --> 00:17:48,111
My baby made
an executive decision.
I said, "all right.
440
00:17:48,111 --> 00:17:50,333
My baby made
an executive decision.
I said, "all right.
441
00:17:50,366 --> 00:17:52,366
She had to go.
I get it.
442
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:54,466
I understand."
443
00:17:54,500 --> 00:17:55,741
I'll tell you
another fear of mine.
444
00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:56,300
I'll tell you
another fear of mine.
445
00:17:56,333 --> 00:17:58,366
Here's another
fear of mine.
446
00:17:59,209 --> 00:18:01,575
My biggest fear
is getting knocked out
447
00:18:01,609 --> 00:18:05,309
in front of my babies.
That's a fear, man!
448
00:18:05,342 --> 00:18:08,542
As a dad, what do you do?
What do you do when your
kids come get you?
449
00:18:08,575 --> 00:18:11,842
"Dad, they messin' with me?"
"Who?" "Them!"
450
00:18:11,875 --> 00:18:15,309
As a dad, you gotta go
whip whoever them's ass is.
451
00:18:15,342 --> 00:18:17,442
That's your job as a dad.
What do you do
452
00:18:17,475 --> 00:18:19,575
when you go down there
and get your ass whipped?
453
00:18:19,609 --> 00:18:22,209
What do you say?
What do you say to your kids?
454
00:18:22,242 --> 00:18:25,142
"Dad, they messin' with me?"
"Who?" "Them!"
455
00:18:25,175 --> 00:18:25,741
"Stay right here.
Hey, motherf--
456
00:18:25,741 --> 00:18:27,375
"Stay right here.
Hey, motherf--
457
00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:31,942
Come on, come on!
Let's go!
458
00:18:31,975 --> 00:18:35,009
These niggas are real!
Let's go!
459
00:18:35,042 --> 00:18:37,075
Hurry up!
Get in the car!
460
00:18:38,942 --> 00:18:41,309
Was that a kid?
Was that a kid?
461
00:18:41,342 --> 00:18:43,609
When we get home,
I'm whippin' your ass
462
00:18:43,642 --> 00:18:45,842
for putting me
in that situation.
463
00:18:45,875 --> 00:18:48,175
I had nothing
to do with that.
464
00:18:48,209 --> 00:18:50,542
I woke up this morning
as a Christian.
465
00:18:50,575 --> 00:18:52,542
You don't do that to me."
466
00:18:57,409 --> 00:18:59,409
It's a different ballgame.
467
00:19:02,009 --> 00:19:04,375
See, me?
I'm gonna be honest
with you guys, man.
468
00:19:04,409 --> 00:19:07,209
I'm not that guy.
I'm not a fighter, man.
469
00:19:07,242 --> 00:19:09,842
I'm not.
I won't act like I am.
470
00:19:09,875 --> 00:19:12,609
I won't. Seen too many
bad things happen.
471
00:19:12,642 --> 00:19:15,042
I saw my dad
get knocked out one time.
472
00:19:15,075 --> 00:19:17,475
I was 13.
It traumatized me.
473
00:19:17,509 --> 00:19:20,109
This guy hit my dad
twice in the same spot--
Uhn uhn--
474
00:19:20,142 --> 00:19:23,542
Quick as hell.
Quickest two punches
I've ever seen in my life.
475
00:19:23,575 --> 00:19:25,741
I've never seen
anything like it.
Hit my dad so fast
476
00:19:25,741 --> 00:19:25,942
I've never seen
anything like it.
Hit my dad so fast
477
00:19:25,975 --> 00:19:29,242
in the middle of the fight
my dad stopped and asked me
what happened.
478
00:19:29,275 --> 00:19:32,242
In the middle of the fight.
He's like, "shit! Hey!
479
00:19:32,275 --> 00:19:36,075
Kevin, hey!
He just hit me twice?"
480
00:19:36,109 --> 00:19:38,075
"Yes.
Yes he did."
481
00:19:38,109 --> 00:19:40,242
"Are you sure it was him?"
482
00:19:40,275 --> 00:19:42,175
"It's only y'all
two out here, dad.
483
00:19:42,209 --> 00:19:43,509
Ain't nobody else
out here with y'all."
484
00:19:43,542 --> 00:19:45,242
"So you telling me
he that fast?
485
00:19:45,275 --> 00:19:48,242
They not jumping me?
Ain't nobody jumping me?"
486
00:19:48,275 --> 00:19:50,509
"No, nobody jumping you.
It's just him."
487
00:19:50,542 --> 00:19:54,409
"Well, he must be an octopus.
I saw a lot of stuff
goin' by my face."
488
00:19:54,442 --> 00:19:55,741
"Really?
Really, dad?
489
00:19:55,741 --> 00:19:57,142
"Really?
Really, dad?
490
00:19:57,175 --> 00:19:59,842
An octopus?
That's what you just fought?
491
00:19:59,875 --> 00:20:03,475
A human octopus?
Really?"
492
00:20:03,509 --> 00:20:05,542
When my dad called
another grown-ass man
an octopus,
493
00:20:05,575 --> 00:20:08,309
that was the day
he stopped being my dad.
I lost all respect.
494
00:20:08,342 --> 00:20:10,342
He didn't understand that.
495
00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:12,409
He was still trying
to discipline me.
496
00:20:12,442 --> 00:20:15,175
"Kevin! Hey!
Didn't I tell you
to get the trash out?
497
00:20:15,209 --> 00:20:18,209
Get up, get the trash out
before I crack your damn face."
498
00:20:18,242 --> 00:20:21,242
"Shut up. Shut up! You get the trash out
499
00:20:21,275 --> 00:20:24,142
before I get Steve over here,
put his damn hands
on you again."
500
00:20:24,175 --> 00:20:25,741
"Oh. Oh.
501
00:20:25,741 --> 00:20:27,142
"Oh. Oh.
502
00:20:27,175 --> 00:20:29,442
Oh, you gonna
get Steve, huh?
503
00:20:29,475 --> 00:20:31,975
You are something else,
you know that?
504
00:20:32,009 --> 00:20:34,275
You are something else.
Give me the trash.
505
00:20:34,309 --> 00:20:36,909
I'll take the trash out.
Give me the trash."
506
00:20:36,942 --> 00:20:38,875
He didn't want to see
Steve again.
507
00:20:38,909 --> 00:20:41,242
Steve beat the shit
out of my dad.
508
00:20:41,275 --> 00:20:44,342
You ever see somebody
lose a fight and talk
like they won?
509
00:20:44,375 --> 00:20:46,975
That's my dad.
After he got knocked out,
510
00:20:47,009 --> 00:20:50,109
he's like, "you good?
Are you good now?"
511
00:20:50,142 --> 00:20:52,075
I said, "dad, I don't think
that's your lines.
512
00:20:52,109 --> 00:20:54,075
I think the winners
say that.
513
00:20:54,109 --> 00:20:55,741
I think the guy
who won say that.
514
00:20:55,741 --> 00:20:56,009
I think the guy
who won say that.
515
00:20:56,042 --> 00:20:57,875
You just lay down
for a second and let him
516
00:20:57,909 --> 00:21:00,109
finish his speech.
I think you got up
too fast anyway.
517
00:21:00,142 --> 00:21:02,275
You gonna be dizzy."
518
00:21:04,642 --> 00:21:07,009
When I saw my dad
get knocked out
519
00:21:07,042 --> 00:21:09,042
and I saw my brother
get knocked out,
520
00:21:09,075 --> 00:21:11,109
it made me feel like,
as a family,
521
00:21:11,142 --> 00:21:14,942
we're not good at this
particular activity.
522
00:21:14,975 --> 00:21:18,275
We're not fighters.
We're readers. We're good
readers in my family.
523
00:21:18,309 --> 00:21:22,275
HERE'S WHY I DON'T FIGHT:
You don't know what people
are capable of now.
524
00:21:22,309 --> 00:21:24,309
Too many people know
too many different things.
525
00:21:24,342 --> 00:21:25,741
I'm serious.
Know what I'm scared of?
526
00:21:25,741 --> 00:21:26,509
I'm serious.
Know what I'm scared of?
527
00:21:26,542 --> 00:21:29,009
U.F.C. Fighters.
You know why?
528
00:21:29,042 --> 00:21:31,242
Because they're real.
529
00:21:31,275 --> 00:21:33,342
That is not a game, people.
They are here.
530
00:21:33,375 --> 00:21:36,542
They exist.
They know shit.
531
00:21:36,575 --> 00:21:39,042
Touch a pressure point,
shuts your whole body down.
532
00:21:39,075 --> 00:21:42,509
Pow. "It's a wrap.
Can't move none of that."
533
00:21:42,542 --> 00:21:44,542
"Fight back!"
"I can't.
534
00:21:44,575 --> 00:21:47,309
Everything is shut down.
I don't know what he did.
535
00:21:47,342 --> 00:21:49,209
Everything.
I can't move anything."
536
00:21:51,342 --> 00:21:53,909
You know who gonna get
their asses beat by these guys?
537
00:21:53,942 --> 00:21:55,741
Thugs.
I'm gonna tell you why.
538
00:21:55,741 --> 00:21:55,942
Thugs.
I'm gonna tell you why.
539
00:21:55,975 --> 00:21:58,275
Thugs, y'all don't know
how to just fight.
540
00:21:58,309 --> 00:22:00,542
Thugs always got to give you
a speech before they fight.
541
00:22:00,575 --> 00:22:02,475
You ever see how long
it take a thug to fight?
542
00:22:02,509 --> 00:22:04,909
Gotta give you his whole
background before he fight.
543
00:22:04,942 --> 00:22:07,542
It take too long.
"Yeah. Real niggas.
544
00:22:07,575 --> 00:22:10,142
All day. Just me.
By myself.
545
00:22:10,175 --> 00:22:11,975
On the block.
Holding it down.
546
00:22:12,009 --> 00:22:14,175
Gun at my waist.
Straight face.
547
00:22:14,209 --> 00:22:15,942
All day.
Not a game.
548
00:22:15,975 --> 00:22:17,842
In jail.
By myself!
549
00:22:17,875 --> 00:22:19,942
One bed.
No pillowcase.
550
00:22:19,975 --> 00:22:22,342
One pillow.
Didn't nobody write me.
551
00:22:22,375 --> 00:22:24,842
It was early. Woke up.
Went back to sleep.
552
00:22:24,875 --> 00:22:25,741
Took a nap.
You ever go night night, nigga?
553
00:22:25,741 --> 00:22:27,209
Took a nap.
You ever go night night, nigga?
554
00:22:27,242 --> 00:22:29,109
You ever
go night night, nigga?!
555
00:22:29,142 --> 00:22:31,342
Everybody goes
night night, nigga!"
556
00:22:31,375 --> 00:22:34,109
"What?
557
00:22:34,142 --> 00:22:35,875
What does this
have to do with the fight?
558
00:22:35,909 --> 00:22:38,375
Are we fighting or not?"
"You didn't write me."
559
00:22:38,409 --> 00:22:40,975
"I don't know you."
560
00:22:41,009 --> 00:22:45,175
These guys are gonna be
the ones, man.
561
00:22:45,209 --> 00:22:47,142
Everybody can't be a thug.
562
00:22:47,175 --> 00:22:49,942
Everybody cannot
be a thug.
563
00:22:49,975 --> 00:22:51,942
I can't stand TV thugs.
564
00:22:51,975 --> 00:22:53,575
You know what
a TV thug is?
565
00:22:53,609 --> 00:22:55,609
Those the guys
who do what they see on TV
566
00:22:55,642 --> 00:22:55,741
all day, every day.
All day, every day.
567
00:22:55,741 --> 00:22:57,842
all day, every day.
All day, every day.
568
00:22:57,875 --> 00:23:00,542
You ever see those guys.
"Yeah, nig'. What, nig'?"
569
00:23:00,575 --> 00:23:03,209
You never seen
the dancing thugs?
Get out the car...
570
00:23:03,242 --> 00:23:05,275
( babbles high-pitched )
571
00:23:05,309 --> 00:23:07,542
"It ain't a game.
You think it's a game
around here?"
572
00:23:07,575 --> 00:23:09,609
I don't like those guys.
573
00:23:09,642 --> 00:23:11,909
I know real thugs.
574
00:23:11,942 --> 00:23:15,009
My uncle is a real thug.
575
00:23:15,042 --> 00:23:17,942
Certified.
Put a stamp on him.
576
00:23:17,975 --> 00:23:19,575
Locked up 15 years.
577
00:23:19,609 --> 00:23:21,842
Got out of jail,
ain't nothing changed.
578
00:23:21,875 --> 00:23:25,409
Very serious.
When my uncle talk,
this is how he look.
579
00:23:25,442 --> 00:23:25,741
I don't care what
he's talking about.
This is how he looks...
580
00:23:25,741 --> 00:23:28,009
I don't care what
he's talking about.
This is how he looks...
581
00:23:31,975 --> 00:23:34,242
I don't care
what he's sayin'.
582
00:23:34,275 --> 00:23:37,575
"Put the goddamn jelly
on the motherfuckin' sandwich.
Do it! Spread it!"
583
00:23:37,609 --> 00:23:40,542
He's crazy.
He's crazy.
584
00:23:40,575 --> 00:23:42,542
He's institutionalized, man.
585
00:23:44,342 --> 00:23:46,275
Understand when you've been
in jail 15 years,
586
00:23:46,309 --> 00:23:48,309
all you know is jail.
587
00:23:48,342 --> 00:23:50,342
Your mannerisms,
your language--
588
00:23:50,375 --> 00:23:52,875
You eat, sleep
and think jail.
589
00:23:52,909 --> 00:23:55,542
Okay? Your threats
aren't even the same.
590
00:23:55,575 --> 00:23:55,741
When you threaten somebody,
they should know what's
about to happen.
591
00:23:55,741 --> 00:23:59,142
When you threaten somebody,
they should know what's
about to happen.
592
00:23:59,175 --> 00:24:00,909
It's a transition
into a fight.
593
00:24:00,942 --> 00:24:02,575
"I'm sick of your ass.
Get up."
594
00:24:02,609 --> 00:24:05,142
When they get up, they know
there's gonna be a fight.
595
00:24:05,175 --> 00:24:08,442
Stuff my uncle says
leaves you in suspense.
596
00:24:08,475 --> 00:24:11,275
They're like the worst
jail metaphors I've ever
heard in my life.
597
00:24:11,309 --> 00:24:13,009
I don't even know
how to explain 'em.
598
00:24:13,042 --> 00:24:14,842
He gets out of jail,
my brother calls me.
599
00:24:14,875 --> 00:24:16,575
"Kevin, uncle Richard
just got home."
600
00:24:16,609 --> 00:24:18,842
"I'm on the first flight.
I'll be there in the morning."
601
00:24:18,875 --> 00:24:20,842
I ain't seen him in 15 years.
I got to see him.
602
00:24:20,875 --> 00:24:23,175
I get there,
my uncle's in the middle
of the living room.
603
00:24:23,209 --> 00:24:25,375
I'm hyped to see him.
"Uncle Richard, what up, baby?
604
00:24:25,409 --> 00:24:25,741
15 years. That's a long time.
How you been?"
605
00:24:25,741 --> 00:24:27,909
15 years. That's a long time.
How you been?"
606
00:24:27,942 --> 00:24:29,542
I swear to God
this is what he said.
607
00:24:29,575 --> 00:24:32,142
"Say it with your chest,
little-ass nigga!"
608
00:24:42,475 --> 00:24:44,975
I didn't know what to say.
My brother grabbed me.
609
00:24:45,009 --> 00:24:47,109
He was like, "chill.
He's been saying this all day.
610
00:24:47,142 --> 00:24:49,409
We don't know what it means.
Wait till we figure it out."
611
00:24:49,442 --> 00:24:52,042
Here's the thing, right?
612
00:24:52,075 --> 00:24:53,975
I said, "I'm not gonna chill.
I'm gonna talk to him.
613
00:24:54,009 --> 00:24:55,741
Y'all not talkin' to him."
I pulled him to the side
614
00:24:55,741 --> 00:24:56,175
Y'all not talkin' to him."
I pulled him to the side
615
00:24:56,209 --> 00:24:59,142
and said, "look, unc,
a lot of stuff has changed
since you've been gone.
616
00:24:59,175 --> 00:25:01,109
I'm doing well.
I'm making good money.
617
00:25:01,142 --> 00:25:03,109
Let me take you out,
put you around some women,
618
00:25:03,142 --> 00:25:04,975
get some drinks.
We'll have a good time."
619
00:25:05,009 --> 00:25:07,209
He said, "all right, cool."
I take him to a lounge, right?
620
00:25:07,242 --> 00:25:09,542
I'm at the bar. I'm drinking.
There's women around me.
621
00:25:09,575 --> 00:25:11,909
I'm having a good time
I can't see him,
622
00:25:11,942 --> 00:25:14,009
but I can hear him.
623
00:25:14,042 --> 00:25:16,042
I can't see him,
but I can hear him.
624
00:25:16,075 --> 00:25:18,242
Out of nowhere
all I hear is
625
00:25:18,275 --> 00:25:20,375
"I'm sick of this
motherfucker, man.
626
00:25:20,409 --> 00:25:22,575
Kev, pin the tail
on his ass!"
627
00:25:25,575 --> 00:25:25,741
"Is it his birthday?
Why would I do that?
628
00:25:25,741 --> 00:25:28,875
"Is it his birthday?
Why would I do that?
629
00:25:28,909 --> 00:25:30,942
W-why would I do that?
What do you mean?"
630
00:25:30,975 --> 00:25:33,575
"Peel this motherfucker's
muffin cap back blue."
631
00:25:35,875 --> 00:25:38,209
"Is that drink?
That's probably a drink.
632
00:25:38,242 --> 00:25:40,309
Can I get a peel his
muffin cap back blue?"
633
00:25:40,342 --> 00:25:42,542
"Say it with your chest!"
634
00:25:42,575 --> 00:25:45,175
"Can I get a peel
his muffin cap--"
635
00:25:45,209 --> 00:25:49,042
I didn't know what to do.
I was confused.
636
00:25:49,075 --> 00:25:51,942
My family threw him
on me, man.
637
00:25:51,975 --> 00:25:53,942
They threw him on me.
638
00:25:53,975 --> 00:25:55,741
They said, "Kev, look,
you're making money.
Give him a job.
639
00:25:55,741 --> 00:25:56,475
They said, "Kev, look,
you're making money.
Give him a job.
640
00:25:56,509 --> 00:25:58,609
Give him a second
chance at life."
I said, "fine.
641
00:25:58,642 --> 00:26:00,609
I'm gonna
let him train me, okay?"
642
00:26:00,642 --> 00:26:03,075
I was about
to go to Australia.
I was gonna film a movie.
643
00:26:03,109 --> 00:26:05,175
I wanted to
get a little bigger.
Let him train me.
644
00:26:05,209 --> 00:26:08,109
Reason why?
My uncle had that jail body.
645
00:26:08,142 --> 00:26:12,342
Up top, solid.
Not a game. Rock hard.
646
00:26:12,375 --> 00:26:15,175
Didn't work
on his legs that much.
647
00:26:15,209 --> 00:26:18,075
Sometimes you could see him
struggling to keep
the top half up--
648
00:26:18,109 --> 00:26:20,075
The stick legs.
649
00:26:24,142 --> 00:26:25,741
Looked like this nigga was
tip drilling all the time.
650
00:26:25,741 --> 00:26:26,975
Looked like this nigga was
tip drilling all the time.
651
00:26:29,075 --> 00:26:31,875
"What are you doing, unc?
Why you keep shakin' your ass?
652
00:26:31,909 --> 00:26:34,509
What are you doing?
Relax your ass, man."
653
00:26:34,542 --> 00:26:36,909
"I ain't shakin' it.
It's my legs."
654
00:26:40,475 --> 00:26:44,175
Now for those of you
who do not understand the job
of a personal trainer,
655
00:26:44,209 --> 00:26:46,009
I'll explain it to you.
656
00:26:46,042 --> 00:26:48,009
A personal trainer's job
is to do what?
657
00:26:48,042 --> 00:26:50,242
Motivate you, people,
make you feel
658
00:26:50,275 --> 00:26:52,509
like you could do things
you never thought you could do.
659
00:26:52,542 --> 00:26:55,242
Here's an example
of a personal trainer's
conversation.
660
00:26:55,275 --> 00:26:55,741
"Come on, man.
You can do it.
661
00:26:55,741 --> 00:26:57,942
"Come on, man.
You can do it.
662
00:26:57,975 --> 00:27:00,442
Push it.
You got it.
663
00:27:00,475 --> 00:27:02,609
Breathe.
Three more.
664
00:27:02,642 --> 00:27:05,409
Last two.
Get it up.
665
00:27:05,442 --> 00:27:07,842
Last one.
Good set.
666
00:27:07,875 --> 00:27:10,542
Go wipe off."
That's a trainer
conversation.
667
00:27:10,575 --> 00:27:13,209
Once again,
I didn't like the way
668
00:27:13,242 --> 00:27:15,509
that he talked
to me, okay?
669
00:27:15,542 --> 00:27:18,042
We're at the gym.
I'm on a weight bench.
I'm not gonna lie.
670
00:27:18,075 --> 00:27:19,609
I'm struggling.
I couldn't get it.
671
00:27:19,642 --> 00:27:23,909
( mimics grunting )
I couldn't get it.
672
00:27:23,942 --> 00:27:25,741
Out of nowhere,
he came up behind me.
"Close your mouth
673
00:27:25,741 --> 00:27:26,275
Out of nowhere,
he came up behind me.
"Close your mouth
674
00:27:26,309 --> 00:27:28,575
before somebody come up,
put their dick in it
on the yard."
675
00:27:32,475 --> 00:27:34,609
"What'd he say?
What'd he just say?
676
00:27:34,642 --> 00:27:37,009
Somebody get the weights.
I just wanna ask him something.
677
00:27:37,042 --> 00:27:39,042
Somebody get the weights.
Let me ask him something.
678
00:27:39,075 --> 00:27:42,042
Uh, is that a dick
out behind me for real
or is he just joking?
679
00:27:42,075 --> 00:27:44,542
No, if it is,
that's gotta change.
Somebody's got to put that up.
680
00:27:44,575 --> 00:27:46,909
I'm not gonna work out
if that's gonna stay out.
681
00:27:46,942 --> 00:27:49,942
I pay my membership
like everybody else.
I don't need to see that.
682
00:27:49,975 --> 00:27:52,909
Fix it."
683
00:27:52,942 --> 00:27:55,209
That's when I stopped
messing with him.
684
00:27:55,242 --> 00:27:56,258
Hey, real quick.
This is not a joke.
685
00:27:56,258 --> 00:27:57,242
Hey, real quick.
This is not a joke.
686
00:27:57,275 --> 00:27:58,975
I just want to know
what you guys think.
687
00:27:59,009 --> 00:28:00,509
Be honest.
You don't gotta lie, okay?
688
00:28:00,542 --> 00:28:02,475
This is true.
It's me being honest.
689
00:28:02,509 --> 00:28:04,142
I'm opening up to y'all
for a second.
690
00:28:04,175 --> 00:28:07,275
Does this make me gay?
I was at the mall, right?
691
00:28:07,309 --> 00:28:11,009
Some guy saw me.
He was like, "oh, Kev Hart.
What up, man?
692
00:28:11,042 --> 00:28:13,042
I'm a big fan.
I love you, dude.
693
00:28:13,075 --> 00:28:15,542
Funny as hell.
Keep doing you, man.
Swear to God. Funny."
694
00:28:15,575 --> 00:28:19,409
( blows kiss )
And I caught it.
Does that make me gay?
695
00:28:19,442 --> 00:28:21,975
Does that
make me gay?
696
00:28:23,009 --> 00:28:25,242
Does it make me gay?
697
00:28:25,275 --> 00:28:26,258
I thought he was waving.
Put yourself in my shoes.
I thought he was waving.
698
00:28:26,258 --> 00:28:28,242
I thought he was waving.
Put yourself in my shoes.
I thought he was waving.
699
00:28:28,275 --> 00:28:30,209
By the time I realized
it wasn't a wave,
it was too late.
700
00:28:30,242 --> 00:28:32,475
I was like, "hey, man.
No no no. I got it.
Too late. Okay.
701
00:28:32,509 --> 00:28:34,509
Ummm."
702
00:28:34,542 --> 00:28:37,009
It was weird.
What do I do now?
I held it until he left
703
00:28:37,042 --> 00:28:38,542
and then I set it down.
704
00:28:38,575 --> 00:28:40,442
I didn't use it.
I set it down.
705
00:28:40,475 --> 00:28:42,909
I swear to God.
I'll tell you the truth.
I didn't use it.
706
00:28:42,942 --> 00:28:45,275
I didn't put it in my pocket.
I just set it down.
707
00:28:48,275 --> 00:28:50,242
I wanted to be like
my uncle for a minute.
708
00:28:50,275 --> 00:28:52,942
I did.
This is me being
honest with you guys.
709
00:28:52,975 --> 00:28:55,242
Reason why? My uncle got
so much respect, man.
710
00:28:55,275 --> 00:28:56,258
People feared my uncle.
I was like I want that fear.
711
00:28:56,258 --> 00:28:57,475
People feared my uncle.
I was like I want that fear.
712
00:28:57,509 --> 00:29:01,175
Don't nobody fear me.
People think I'm a bitch.
713
00:29:01,209 --> 00:29:05,509
They do.
My lady think I'm a bitch.
Call me a bitch all the time.
714
00:29:05,542 --> 00:29:07,842
"You a bitch!"
Right to my face.
715
00:29:07,875 --> 00:29:09,875
THIS IS MY ANSWER:
"So? Now what?
716
00:29:09,909 --> 00:29:12,142
What happens now?"
717
00:29:12,175 --> 00:29:14,242
It's not that I'm a bitch.
I'm just smart.
718
00:29:14,275 --> 00:29:16,842
I don't put myself in situations
where I'm not gonna win.
719
00:29:16,875 --> 00:29:19,542
That don't make me a bitch.
Here's what really
PISSES ME OFF:
720
00:29:19,575 --> 00:29:23,175
If I am a bitch,
that's our business.
721
00:29:23,209 --> 00:29:25,475
Don't nobody know me.
You don't know me, man.
722
00:29:25,509 --> 00:29:26,258
If me and you
get into an argument,
it don't matter what I say,
723
00:29:26,258 --> 00:29:28,175
If me and you
get into an argument,
it don't matter what I say,
724
00:29:28,209 --> 00:29:30,909
you got to believe me
'cause you don't know
what I'm capable of.
725
00:29:30,942 --> 00:29:33,575
Same thing vice-versa.
Only way you could tell
if I was a bitch
726
00:29:33,609 --> 00:29:36,909
is if somebody close
to me says something to set
an alarm off in your head.
727
00:29:36,942 --> 00:29:39,209
That's the type of shit she do.
We're at dinner.
728
00:29:39,242 --> 00:29:41,275
I'm a little drunk.
I'm not gonna lie.
729
00:29:41,309 --> 00:29:44,075
I get into an argument
with this guy, hit him
with some thug shit.
730
00:29:44,109 --> 00:29:46,142
"Say something else to me,
I'm gonna go to my car,
731
00:29:46,175 --> 00:29:48,209
I'ma pop the trunk
on your bitch ass."
732
00:29:48,242 --> 00:29:50,875
That means I'm gonna
go to my car, get a gun,
733
00:29:50,909 --> 00:29:52,909
come back,
shoot this shit up.
734
00:29:52,942 --> 00:29:55,309
When I said it,
she was like, "what you
gonna get, the car seat?"
735
00:29:55,342 --> 00:29:56,258
"Bitch, what--
736
00:29:56,258 --> 00:29:57,342
"Bitch, what--
737
00:29:57,375 --> 00:29:59,375
Oh my God.
738
00:29:59,409 --> 00:30:02,975
Why would you say that
out loud? Way to go.
739
00:30:03,009 --> 00:30:05,409
Congratulations on messing this up for me.
740
00:30:05,442 --> 00:30:07,075
Congratulations."
741
00:30:09,509 --> 00:30:11,509
Women, y'all make me
mad with that.
742
00:30:11,542 --> 00:30:13,575
I'm gonna tell you what
pisses me off, ladies.
743
00:30:13,609 --> 00:30:17,309
I hate the fact, women,
that you cannot control
your anger.
744
00:30:17,342 --> 00:30:19,209
I hate it.
I really hate it.
745
00:30:19,242 --> 00:30:22,475
Women, you need to learn
to put a cap on your anger.
746
00:30:22,509 --> 00:30:25,175
You know what I mean
when I say "cap,"
sweetie? A cap.
747
00:30:25,209 --> 00:30:26,258
It means a point
that you will never go above.
748
00:30:26,258 --> 00:30:27,275
It means a point
that you will never go above.
749
00:30:27,309 --> 00:30:30,375
That's a cap.
Men, we have a cap.
750
00:30:30,409 --> 00:30:32,309
What's the worst thing
you'll ever say to a woman?
751
00:30:32,342 --> 00:30:34,209
- Shouldn't take
that long, fellas.
- MAN: Bitch.
752
00:30:34,242 --> 00:30:37,275
"Bitch." There you go.
Come in different levels.
753
00:30:37,309 --> 00:30:39,542
( increasing pitches )
"Bitch! Hey! Bitch! Bitch!"
754
00:30:39,575 --> 00:30:41,975
Different levels.
755
00:30:42,009 --> 00:30:44,009
Different levels.
( chuckles )
756
00:30:44,042 --> 00:30:46,409
Women, y'all don't
have a cap.
757
00:30:46,442 --> 00:30:49,175
Y'all try to cut so deep
when you get mad.
758
00:30:49,209 --> 00:30:51,875
You want to mess with
a man's pride, his goals.
759
00:30:51,909 --> 00:30:54,109
Y'all say stuff that
ain't nobody's business.
760
00:30:54,142 --> 00:30:56,258
It's Christmas.
My mother's here.
761
00:30:56,258 --> 00:30:56,975
It's Christmas.
My mother's here.
762
00:30:57,009 --> 00:30:59,242
You bring up personal stuff
'cause you got an attitude.
763
00:30:59,275 --> 00:31:01,509
"Yeah, whatever.
Yeah, whatever.
764
00:31:01,542 --> 00:31:04,175
Whatever. Fuck you,
pissin'-in-the-bed boy.
765
00:31:04,209 --> 00:31:07,142
Uh-huh! What now?
That's right.
766
00:31:07,175 --> 00:31:09,375
Go upstairs,
flip the mattress.
767
00:31:09,409 --> 00:31:12,542
It's a big-ass piss stain
on the other side
768
00:31:12,575 --> 00:31:14,375
'cause you don't know
how to control your bladder.
769
00:31:14,409 --> 00:31:17,275
Boo-ya!
Right in front of your ma."
770
00:31:17,309 --> 00:31:19,542
Now you gotta sit there
with the "she lyin'" face.
771
00:31:19,575 --> 00:31:23,209
"What?
You're a liar.
772
00:31:23,242 --> 00:31:26,258
No, you're a liar.
You're a liar.
773
00:31:26,258 --> 00:31:27,209
No, you're a liar.
You're a liar.
774
00:31:27,242 --> 00:31:29,575
That's Mountain Dew.
I didn't pee on anything."
775
00:31:32,875 --> 00:31:36,109
That's the difference.
Ladies, y'all go too far.
776
00:31:36,142 --> 00:31:38,409
When you get mad,
y'all see red.
777
00:31:38,442 --> 00:31:41,142
Y'all go to the point
of no return, man.
778
00:31:41,175 --> 00:31:43,575
Why do you grab
the steering wheel
while a man is driving?
779
00:31:43,609 --> 00:31:45,575
Why? Why?!
780
00:31:45,609 --> 00:31:48,209
We both in the car.
You're gonna kill us both.
781
00:31:48,242 --> 00:31:50,875
But you don't care
'cause you see red.
782
00:31:50,909 --> 00:31:52,542
( falsetto )
"Fuck you!
783
00:31:52,575 --> 00:31:54,375
( screams )
784
00:31:54,409 --> 00:31:56,258
Kill us!
Kill us both!"
785
00:31:56,258 --> 00:31:56,509
Kill us!
Kill us both!"
786
00:31:56,542 --> 00:31:58,875
"Hey. Hey!
787
00:31:58,909 --> 00:32:01,409
Kill your side, bitch.
Ain't no 'kill us.'
788
00:32:01,442 --> 00:32:04,175
us ain't mad.
You got the attitude."
789
00:32:06,409 --> 00:32:10,275
I know women.
I can break women down.
790
00:32:10,309 --> 00:32:12,542
I'm gonna
tell you guys something
791
00:32:12,575 --> 00:32:15,175
that you're not gonna like,
but you need to hear it.
792
00:32:15,209 --> 00:32:17,975
You need to hear it.
Not one woman in this room
793
00:32:18,009 --> 00:32:20,875
likes for her man
to have a good time
when she's not around.
794
00:32:20,909 --> 00:32:22,442
Not one.
795
00:32:22,475 --> 00:32:24,509
It's a true statement.
796
00:32:24,542 --> 00:32:26,258
I see some of y'all lookin'
at me with attitude.
797
00:32:26,258 --> 00:32:28,175
I see some of y'all lookin'
at me with attitude.
798
00:32:28,209 --> 00:32:31,009
"Not true. I don't care.
Have fun. Shut up.
Kill yourself."
799
00:32:31,042 --> 00:32:33,009
Let me tell you why.
Just listen.
800
00:32:33,042 --> 00:32:35,109
Let me tell you why
I feel like this, okay?
801
00:32:35,142 --> 00:32:37,175
I don't say anything
that I cannot prove.
802
00:32:37,209 --> 00:32:39,009
That's your lady
right there, right?
803
00:32:39,042 --> 00:32:41,042
If I'm wrong, sweetie,
tell me I'm wrong.
804
00:32:41,075 --> 00:32:43,542
You ever been
out with your boys?
You're with your boys.
805
00:32:43,575 --> 00:32:45,842
You ain't doing nothing wrong.
Ain't no women around.
806
00:32:45,875 --> 00:32:48,475
You're having a good time
with your boys.
807
00:32:48,509 --> 00:32:50,909
She call you
while you out.
808
00:32:50,942 --> 00:32:53,975
When you pick up the phone,
she hears fun
809
00:32:54,009 --> 00:32:56,242
in the background.
810
00:32:56,275 --> 00:32:58,242
That's why they
get an attitude.
'cause she hears fun.
811
00:32:58,275 --> 00:33:00,275
You pick up the phone
having a good time.
812
00:33:00,309 --> 00:33:03,475
( laughs )
"Hey, shut up, Steve!
813
00:33:03,509 --> 00:33:06,109
Hey! No, hey,
I ain't gonna take
another shot.
814
00:33:06,142 --> 00:33:09,442
No, hey!
( screeches )
815
00:33:12,142 --> 00:33:16,009
Yo, I swear to God
that was like the best
night of my life.
816
00:33:16,042 --> 00:33:18,042
I swear to God.
817
00:33:18,075 --> 00:33:19,575
Hey.
Hey, what's up, babe?"
818
00:33:21,141 --> 00:33:23,141
( flatly )
"You know what?
Nothing. Do you.
819
00:33:23,174 --> 00:33:25,407
I haven't
got time for this.
820
00:33:25,441 --> 00:33:26,258
Do you, boo boo.
Do you,
boo boo.
821
00:33:26,258 --> 00:33:28,407
Do you, boo boo.
Do you,
boo boo.
822
00:33:28,441 --> 00:33:31,041
You know why?
'cause I'ma do me!
823
00:33:31,074 --> 00:33:33,041
( shrieks )
Do you, boo boo!
824
00:33:33,074 --> 00:33:35,074
Do you!
825
00:33:35,107 --> 00:33:37,107
Every time I call
you always laughing.
826
00:33:37,141 --> 00:33:40,007
( shrieks )
What the fuck
is so funny?!
827
00:33:40,041 --> 00:33:41,774
You laughing
at my stretch marks?"
828
00:33:41,807 --> 00:33:44,841
"What? Nobody knows
you have stretch marks."
829
00:33:44,874 --> 00:33:47,407
( shrieks )
"Whatever!"
830
00:33:47,441 --> 00:33:49,007
Y'all crazy, man.
831
00:33:49,041 --> 00:33:50,841
Y'all are crazy.
832
00:33:50,874 --> 00:33:52,841
I'm very serious, man.
833
00:33:52,874 --> 00:33:56,074
I'll-- I'll go
a step further.
834
00:33:56,107 --> 00:33:56,258
For those people that
are not believers yet,
I'll go a step further.
835
00:33:56,258 --> 00:33:59,641
For those people that
are not believers yet,
I'll go a step further.
836
00:33:59,674 --> 00:34:02,074
Fellas, you ever
have a genuine laugh
around your lady?
837
00:34:02,107 --> 00:34:04,107
I'm talking about
to where your stomach hurt.
838
00:34:04,141 --> 00:34:06,641
You know the good laughs?
One of them.
839
00:34:06,674 --> 00:34:08,841
( mimics laughter )
840
00:34:08,874 --> 00:34:10,874
You ever look
at your lady's face?
See how mad she get
841
00:34:10,907 --> 00:34:13,374
'cause she's not
a part of the laugh?
842
00:34:13,407 --> 00:34:15,474
Look at her face.
You think I'm lying?
843
00:34:15,507 --> 00:34:17,607
( mimics laughter )
844
00:34:21,674 --> 00:34:24,574
"What the hell
are you laughing at?"
"I don't know.
845
00:34:24,607 --> 00:34:26,258
I thought everything was cool.
I didn't know."
846
00:34:26,258 --> 00:34:27,674
I thought everything was cool.
I didn't know."
847
00:34:27,707 --> 00:34:30,007
I know what
I'm talking about.
848
00:34:30,041 --> 00:34:32,374
Ladies, I know what
you guys are thinking.
You're like, "whatever.
849
00:34:32,407 --> 00:34:34,674
Men, you do
the same thing too.
850
00:34:34,707 --> 00:34:37,141
Y'all get an attitude
with us when we go out."
851
00:34:37,174 --> 00:34:39,674
I'll tell you something, ladies.
We don't really give a fuck.
852
00:34:39,707 --> 00:34:42,574
Let me tell you why.
Hey, listen. Listen.
853
00:34:42,607 --> 00:34:45,407
We don't.
It's all an act, okay?
854
00:34:45,441 --> 00:34:48,807
If you guys could
see how much fun we have
when you leave the house
855
00:34:48,841 --> 00:34:52,141
and we're alone--
There's so much fun stuff
that happens.
856
00:34:52,174 --> 00:34:55,774
You'll never know
about this stuff.
It's just a good time.
857
00:34:55,807 --> 00:34:56,258
We got to put on that show
so you feel like we care.
858
00:34:56,258 --> 00:34:58,874
We got to put on that show
so you feel like we care.
859
00:34:58,907 --> 00:35:00,874
It's all a show.
860
00:35:00,907 --> 00:35:03,074
"Babe, no.
Come on, babe.
861
00:35:03,107 --> 00:35:06,007
Babe, please.
Every night with them.
862
00:35:06,041 --> 00:35:08,841
Come on.
Spend time with me,
your man--
863
00:35:08,874 --> 00:35:11,474
And the bitch is gone.
Yeah! Yeah!
864
00:35:11,507 --> 00:35:13,607
♪ Oh oh, I'm by myself ♪
865
00:35:13,641 --> 00:35:15,607
♪ What?
Oh, I'm by myself ♪
866
00:35:15,641 --> 00:35:17,574
♪ What I'm gonna do?
What I'm gonna do? ♪
867
00:35:17,607 --> 00:35:19,574
♪ I'ma beat my dick,
I'm gonna beat my dick ♪
868
00:35:19,607 --> 00:35:21,441
♪ I'ma get it,
I'ma get it ♪
869
00:35:21,474 --> 00:35:23,574
♪ Where the laptop at?
Where the laptop at? ♪
870
00:35:23,607 --> 00:35:25,641
♪ I'ma get it,
I'ma get it. ♪"
871
00:35:25,674 --> 00:35:26,258
That's what we do.
872
00:35:26,258 --> 00:35:27,741
That's what we do.
873
00:35:27,774 --> 00:35:30,707
Soon as you leave,
there's so much filth
that goes down.
874
00:35:38,641 --> 00:35:40,841
If you don't believe me--
If you don't believe me,
ladies,
875
00:35:40,874 --> 00:35:43,007
next time you leave the house,
come back in five minutes.
876
00:35:43,041 --> 00:35:46,074
I bet you catch him
doing nasty shit.
877
00:35:46,107 --> 00:35:48,041
Bet money.
Bet money you catch him.
878
00:35:48,074 --> 00:35:49,474
Soon as you leave,
come back in.
879
00:35:49,507 --> 00:35:52,941
"Hey! Get the--
Hey, girl.
880
00:35:52,974 --> 00:35:55,107
I thought you said
you was going to work.
God damn it.
881
00:35:56,974 --> 00:35:59,074
You got somebody with you?
Is somebody with you?
882
00:35:59,107 --> 00:36:01,074
Wait a minute.
Let me clean up.
883
00:36:01,107 --> 00:36:02,874
Let me blow
these candles out.
884
00:36:02,907 --> 00:36:04,807
( blowing )
God damn it.
885
00:36:04,841 --> 00:36:07,507
I thought you was
gonna be gone all day.
886
00:36:07,541 --> 00:36:09,541
( blows )
Set up an evening
for myself,
887
00:36:09,574 --> 00:36:11,374
you gonna come back
all fast.
888
00:36:11,407 --> 00:36:13,541
Why didn't you ring a bell?
You don't ring bells?
889
00:36:13,574 --> 00:36:16,074
You just gonna use a key
'cause you live here.
890
00:36:16,107 --> 00:36:18,407
You are something else.
891
00:36:18,441 --> 00:36:20,474
( chuckles )
Something else."
892
00:36:23,007 --> 00:36:23,056
I know what
I'm talking about.
893
00:36:23,056 --> 00:36:25,674
I know what
I'm talking about.
894
00:36:25,707 --> 00:36:28,774
Ladies, I'm gonna be honest.
I understand you guys.
895
00:36:28,807 --> 00:36:31,441
I really do.
I understand you guys.
896
00:36:31,474 --> 00:36:34,607
Your biggest fear
is not being fun.
897
00:36:34,641 --> 00:36:37,674
You don't ever want
your man to think that
you're not fun.
898
00:36:37,707 --> 00:36:39,607
That's why you're always
looking for validation.
899
00:36:39,641 --> 00:36:41,574
Always. You're always
looking for validation.
900
00:36:41,607 --> 00:36:43,541
"Babe, I'm fun, right?
901
00:36:43,574 --> 00:36:45,807
Huh? Babe, look.
Remember?
902
00:36:45,841 --> 00:36:48,541
Right?
Remember that time?
Remember? Jump shot.
903
00:36:48,574 --> 00:36:51,141
Remember, I was like,
'ahhh, in your face.
904
00:36:51,174 --> 00:36:53,056
Michael jordaaan.'
remember? No?"
905
00:36:53,056 --> 00:36:54,541
Michael jordaaan.'
remember? No?"
906
00:36:54,574 --> 00:36:56,774
See? That's why we try
to make you feel fun.
907
00:36:56,807 --> 00:36:58,741
That's why we listen
to your stories.
908
00:36:58,774 --> 00:37:01,074
To be honest,
I can't stand when
women tell stories.
909
00:37:01,107 --> 00:37:03,107
I hate it.
It makes my balls itch.
910
00:37:03,141 --> 00:37:05,774
I hate it.
I swear.
911
00:37:05,807 --> 00:37:09,407
It's just a bunch of words
with no plot, no middle,
912
00:37:09,441 --> 00:37:11,874
no ending
and it's always angry.
913
00:37:11,907 --> 00:37:14,441
Why are all your stories
so angry?
914
00:37:14,474 --> 00:37:16,641
Everything about work is mean.
915
00:37:16,674 --> 00:37:18,707
How come nothing good
ever happens at work?
916
00:37:18,741 --> 00:37:20,741
It's always bad.
917
00:37:20,774 --> 00:37:23,056
"Babe, let me tell you
about this bitch Sabrina
at the office today.
918
00:37:23,056 --> 00:37:23,774
"Babe, let me tell you
about this bitch Sabrina
at the office today.
919
00:37:23,807 --> 00:37:26,907
First of all,
she comes in the office
with white stockings on
920
00:37:26,941 --> 00:37:30,774
and black shoes.
Uh, excuse me, bitch,
Labor Day is over.
921
00:37:30,807 --> 00:37:33,107
Huh? 'scuse me. Boop.
Thank you.
922
00:37:33,141 --> 00:37:36,574
Backspace.
Delete that. Huh-uh."
923
00:37:36,607 --> 00:37:40,574
They start talking about
problems in the office.
We don't fuckin' know.
924
00:37:40,607 --> 00:37:42,741
"Let me tell you
what she did, baby.
She come to me
925
00:37:42,774 --> 00:37:44,807
talking about,
'can you go print this
out the fax machine?'
926
00:37:44,841 --> 00:37:48,607
'uh, no.
I am an executive
administrative assistant,
927
00:37:48,641 --> 00:37:50,974
not your assistant.'"
we got to act like we know
what's going on.
928
00:37:51,007 --> 00:37:53,056
"Whaaaat?
929
00:37:53,056 --> 00:37:53,474
"Whaaaat?
930
00:37:53,507 --> 00:37:56,574
She told you to print it
out the fax machine?
931
00:37:56,607 --> 00:37:58,907
Huh-uh.
No, she didn't.
932
00:37:58,941 --> 00:38:02,041
That bitch is crazy.
Not my baby."
"Thank you."
933
00:38:02,074 --> 00:38:04,107
They all turn
into the computers.
"Thank you.
934
00:38:04,141 --> 00:38:06,641
I told the bitch, 'boop.
Backspace. No. L-o-l.
935
00:38:06,674 --> 00:38:09,674
R-t-o-f-m-a-o.
Thank you.
936
00:38:09,707 --> 00:38:13,607
Delete that.
M-t-f-o-m-o-f-o-h-s."
937
00:38:15,841 --> 00:38:18,041
"What did you just say?"
"Get the fuck out of my face.
938
00:38:18,074 --> 00:38:20,074
We can't curse in the office."
"Okay."
939
00:38:20,107 --> 00:38:22,807
I don't understand
you guys.
940
00:38:22,841 --> 00:38:23,056
I love you, but I don't
understand you.
941
00:38:23,056 --> 00:38:24,974
I love you, but I don't
understand you.
942
00:38:25,007 --> 00:38:27,107
But as men,
we have to.
943
00:38:27,141 --> 00:38:29,074
I'm not gonna lie.
We're not perfect.
944
00:38:29,107 --> 00:38:31,641
We are not perfect.
I know I'm not perfect.
945
00:38:31,674 --> 00:38:34,941
The reason why, ladies?
You've got a little
to do with that.
946
00:38:34,974 --> 00:38:37,541
You put men on too high
of a pedestal.
947
00:38:37,574 --> 00:38:39,974
Whatever pedestal
you have us on,
take us off.
948
00:38:40,007 --> 00:38:42,674
It's too high.
We're never gonna meet
your expectations.
949
00:38:42,707 --> 00:38:44,974
Take us off.
I'm serious.
950
00:38:45,007 --> 00:38:47,007
HERE'S THE THING ABOUT MEN:
951
00:38:47,041 --> 00:38:49,074
Once you realize
we do dumb shit,
952
00:38:49,107 --> 00:38:51,541
we're dumb sometimes,
953
00:38:51,574 --> 00:38:53,056
we're gonna fuck up--
That's our nature as a man.
954
00:38:53,056 --> 00:38:54,474
we're gonna fuck up--
That's our nature as a man.
955
00:38:54,507 --> 00:38:56,907
Once you guys realize that
we'll get along so much better.
956
00:38:56,941 --> 00:38:59,507
If you don't believe me
that men do dumb shit
and don't realize it,
957
00:38:59,541 --> 00:39:01,741
listen to 'em.
Listen to the answers
we give you
958
00:39:01,774 --> 00:39:03,707
when we do dumb shit.
959
00:39:03,741 --> 00:39:06,641
You ever hear how dumb
our answers are when
we do dumb shit?
960
00:39:06,674 --> 00:39:08,941
"So you just gonna
sit down there at the pool
with all them naked bitches?"
961
00:39:08,974 --> 00:39:11,541
"Well, I thought it was cool.
( mumbles )
962
00:39:11,574 --> 00:39:15,007
I'm waitin' on you
to come down."
963
00:39:16,807 --> 00:39:19,074
This right here is the national
dumb nigga stance.
964
00:39:19,107 --> 00:39:22,507
Whenever your man--
Whenever he get bow-legged
and touch his face...
965
00:39:22,541 --> 00:39:23,056
"I'm waitin'
on everybody else.
966
00:39:23,056 --> 00:39:24,374
"I'm waitin'
on everybody else.
967
00:39:24,407 --> 00:39:26,907
I'm thinkin' everybody
gonna eat the chips."
968
00:39:26,941 --> 00:39:28,807
"What?
969
00:39:28,841 --> 00:39:30,841
What are you
talking about, man?"
970
00:39:32,107 --> 00:39:33,974
I know I'm not perfect.
971
00:39:34,007 --> 00:39:36,441
I know I do dumb shit.
I do.
972
00:39:36,474 --> 00:39:39,141
I can admit that.
I've never done
crazy stuff.
973
00:39:39,174 --> 00:39:41,741
I ain't never put
my hands on my lady.
I never went that far.
974
00:39:41,774 --> 00:39:43,707
I plunked her one time.
I did do that.
975
00:39:43,741 --> 00:39:46,374
Right in the forehead.
Mm, it was solid.
976
00:39:46,407 --> 00:39:49,707
It just jumped out my body.
I don't know where
it came from.
977
00:39:49,741 --> 00:39:53,056
She was driving,
I'm like, "bitch,
you think it's a game?"
978
00:39:53,056 --> 00:39:53,441
She was driving,
I'm like, "bitch,
you think it's a game?"
979
00:39:53,474 --> 00:39:55,707
You would've thought
I'd hit her in the head
with a bat.
980
00:39:55,741 --> 00:39:58,041
She went...
( screams )
981
00:39:58,074 --> 00:39:59,974
I was scared.
I thought I was going to jail.
982
00:40:00,007 --> 00:40:02,407
"Hey, I'm sorry.
Get your plunk back.
Here. Get it.
983
00:40:02,441 --> 00:40:04,107
Plunk me back.
Let's be even.
984
00:40:04,141 --> 00:40:06,141
Come on.
Plunk me back.
I just wanna be even.
985
00:40:06,174 --> 00:40:09,574
Please please?
Can you please plunk me back?"
986
00:40:13,507 --> 00:40:17,007
That's just me being honest.
There are certain things
I'm not good at.
987
00:40:17,041 --> 00:40:20,607
I'm not a good
storm-outter, people.
I can admit that.
988
00:40:20,641 --> 00:40:22,074
For those who do not know
what storming out is,
989
00:40:22,107 --> 00:40:23,056
that's when you
leave the house angry.
990
00:40:23,056 --> 00:40:23,874
that's when you
leave the house angry.
991
00:40:23,907 --> 00:40:25,874
"I'm sick of this! I'm gone!"
Slam the door.
992
00:40:25,907 --> 00:40:27,907
Boom!
The purpose of storming out
993
00:40:27,941 --> 00:40:29,807
is to leave the illusion
in your lady's head
994
00:40:29,841 --> 00:40:31,607
that you're never
coming back.
995
00:40:31,641 --> 00:40:33,741
When you slam the door,
she's supposed to break down.
996
00:40:33,774 --> 00:40:35,741
Soon as you slam the door.
"I'm gone!" Boom!
997
00:40:35,774 --> 00:40:38,774
She breaks down.
This is my impression
of a woman breaking down.
998
00:40:38,807 --> 00:40:40,974
"No. Oh my God,
please don't.
999
00:40:41,007 --> 00:40:43,741
No. No,
don't do this to me.
1000
00:40:43,774 --> 00:40:46,407
No, every time I do this,
you do this.
1001
00:40:46,441 --> 00:40:48,774
No."
( mumbles )
1002
00:40:50,941 --> 00:40:52,674
I hate when women cry
and try to talk.
1003
00:40:52,707 --> 00:40:53,056
I can't stand that shit.
1004
00:40:53,056 --> 00:40:54,607
I can't stand that shit.
1005
00:40:54,641 --> 00:40:56,707
"I ain't wanna do that.
I ain't tryin' to do nothing."
1006
00:41:01,174 --> 00:41:04,041
I look like the first
slave to ever walk.
1007
00:41:04,074 --> 00:41:07,407
"I don't want to do nothing.
I was just trying..."
( mumbles )
1008
00:41:09,007 --> 00:41:10,974
It's too much.
1009
00:41:11,007 --> 00:41:13,141
I'm gonna tell you why
I'm not a good storm-outter.
1010
00:41:13,174 --> 00:41:15,841
You know why?
I forget stuff.
1011
00:41:15,874 --> 00:41:17,707
You can't storm out
and forget shit,
1012
00:41:17,741 --> 00:41:20,007
'cause you got to go back,
get the shit you forgot.
1013
00:41:20,041 --> 00:41:22,841
You look stupid.
Trust me, fellas.
I know from experience.
1014
00:41:22,874 --> 00:41:23,056
You leave angry--
"I'm sick of this, man!
I'm done!
1015
00:41:23,056 --> 00:41:25,874
You leave angry--
"I'm sick of this, man!
I'm done!
1016
00:41:25,907 --> 00:41:27,874
I don't care!
I'm done! Forget you!
1017
00:41:27,907 --> 00:41:29,974
Forget the house.
I'm out!" Boom!
1018
00:41:30,007 --> 00:41:32,141
"Don't give a shit, man.
My keys. God damn it.
1019
00:41:32,174 --> 00:41:34,507
My keys on the thing.
1020
00:41:37,041 --> 00:41:38,807
Babe, let me get my keys
on the top of the thing.
1021
00:41:38,841 --> 00:41:40,874
I left my keys up
on the top of the thing.
Please."
1022
00:41:40,907 --> 00:41:43,074
I need my keys.
1023
00:41:43,107 --> 00:41:45,407
I need my keys
'cause I got to
get in my car.
1024
00:41:45,441 --> 00:41:47,441
When I get in my car,
I get my car on,
1025
00:41:47,474 --> 00:41:49,107
step on the gas,
make the tires burn out.
1026
00:41:49,141 --> 00:41:51,707
( mimics tire screech )
Reason why I do that?
1027
00:41:51,741 --> 00:41:53,056
Women, you can't handle it.
You break down
after a while.
1028
00:41:53,056 --> 00:41:54,574
Women, you can't handle it.
You break down
after a while.
1029
00:41:54,607 --> 00:41:56,774
"Oh my God, no.
He's gonna kill himself.
1030
00:41:56,807 --> 00:41:58,674
No no.
Don't do it.
1031
00:41:58,707 --> 00:42:00,574
Do the speed limit,
please. No.
1032
00:42:00,607 --> 00:42:02,674
Every time..."
1033
00:42:02,707 --> 00:42:05,041
( chuckles )
That's my impression
of women.
1034
00:42:07,541 --> 00:42:10,441
Had to get out of there.
Tell you another reason why
1035
00:42:10,474 --> 00:42:12,474
I can't storm out
of the house correctly.
1036
00:42:12,507 --> 00:42:15,007
My son always
want to come.
1037
00:42:15,041 --> 00:42:17,774
Can't storm out with a kid.
It take too long.
1038
00:42:17,807 --> 00:42:19,441
A storm out's
gotta be fast.
1039
00:42:19,474 --> 00:42:21,074
In and out.
Boom boom, quick.
1040
00:42:21,107 --> 00:42:22,941
My son be at the door.
"Mm mm."
1041
00:42:22,974 --> 00:42:23,056
"No! No!
Stay with your mother."
( mimics fussing )
1042
00:42:23,056 --> 00:42:25,874
"No! No!
Stay with your mother."
( mimics fussing )
1043
00:42:25,907 --> 00:42:28,474
"Boy, God damn it,
stay with your ma."
1044
00:42:30,474 --> 00:42:32,674
This is when women
try to use kids
as ammunition.
1045
00:42:32,707 --> 00:42:35,974
"Look at you.
You can't even take
your son with you.
1046
00:42:36,007 --> 00:42:39,041
He want to go with his dad,
but you can't even take
your son with you."
1047
00:42:39,074 --> 00:42:41,941
Now I can't be
a piece of shit.
I've got to prove a point.
1048
00:42:41,974 --> 00:42:44,074
I got to take him.
I'll tell you something, fellas,
1049
00:42:44,107 --> 00:42:46,407
you look stupid when you
try to keep your attitude
1050
00:42:46,441 --> 00:42:48,007
and get a baby's
shit together.
1051
00:42:48,041 --> 00:42:49,441
You look dumb.
1052
00:42:49,474 --> 00:42:51,007
From experience,
you look stupid.
1053
00:42:51,041 --> 00:42:52,974
"I don't give a shit.
I'll take him.
1054
00:42:53,007 --> 00:42:53,056
Get the diaper bag.
Put the sippy cup and shit
in the bag.
1055
00:42:53,056 --> 00:42:55,474
Get the diaper bag.
Put the sippy cup and shit
in the bag.
1056
00:42:55,507 --> 00:42:57,007
Put the change of clothes
and shit in the bag."
1057
00:42:57,041 --> 00:42:58,441
This is when I knew
I looked stupid.
1058
00:42:58,474 --> 00:42:59,874
When I did this
with the diaper bag,
1059
00:42:59,907 --> 00:43:01,774
"bitch, you think
I give a fuck about you--
1060
00:43:01,807 --> 00:43:04,574
Let me tell you something,
you got another thing coming."
1061
00:43:04,607 --> 00:43:07,674
When I swung the diaper bag
over my shoulder--
1062
00:43:07,707 --> 00:43:11,074
"You got another
goddamn thing coming
1063
00:43:11,107 --> 00:43:13,107
if you think
I give a shit."
1064
00:43:14,941 --> 00:43:17,841
It wasn't good, man.
1065
00:43:17,874 --> 00:43:20,441
This is me
speaking the truth.
1066
00:43:20,474 --> 00:43:22,441
See, I can talk
about relationships.
1067
00:43:22,474 --> 00:43:23,056
I've been in one for years.
I know relationships.
1068
00:43:23,056 --> 00:43:24,807
I've been in one for years.
I know relationships.
1069
00:43:24,841 --> 00:43:26,841
I see a lot of couples
here together.
1070
00:43:26,874 --> 00:43:28,974
You guys don't understand
what you're in.
1071
00:43:29,007 --> 00:43:31,007
You don't know
how serious it is.
1072
00:43:31,041 --> 00:43:33,807
I don't mind seeing couples.
I don't like seeing new couples.
1073
00:43:33,841 --> 00:43:35,974
I can't stand new love.
I hate it.
1074
00:43:36,007 --> 00:43:38,007
That's me being honest.
It's too much.
1075
00:43:38,041 --> 00:43:39,941
I don't like over love.
1076
00:43:39,974 --> 00:43:43,707
You ever see those couples
that go too far,
that's too much?
1077
00:43:43,741 --> 00:43:47,407
You ever see a couple
that's newly in love
try to share?
1078
00:43:47,441 --> 00:43:49,141
You ever witness that?
1079
00:43:49,174 --> 00:43:51,807
"Hey, babe.
Hey. Babe.
1080
00:43:51,841 --> 00:43:53,056
Hey, love button.
1081
00:43:53,056 --> 00:43:54,941
Hey, love button.
1082
00:43:54,974 --> 00:43:57,407
Hey, I got a little bit
of juice left.
1083
00:43:57,441 --> 00:43:59,141
You want some juice?
1084
00:43:59,174 --> 00:44:01,641
Yeah? You wanna take a sip,
I'll take a sip,
you take a sip?
1085
00:44:01,674 --> 00:44:03,541
You want to do it
like that?
1086
00:44:03,574 --> 00:44:05,107
You wanna go
'sip sip sip' like that
back and forth?
1087
00:44:05,141 --> 00:44:06,874
Yeah? Go ahead.
Take a sip.
1088
00:44:06,907 --> 00:44:08,607
Ah. Give it to me.
1089
00:44:08,641 --> 00:44:10,574
( babbles )
You do it.
1090
00:44:10,607 --> 00:44:13,674
( babbles )
1091
00:44:13,707 --> 00:44:15,441
Same time. Do it.
Your nose is in the way.
1092
00:44:15,474 --> 00:44:17,574
No, your nose
is in the way.
( babbles )
1093
00:44:17,607 --> 00:44:19,641
I love you."
( babbles )
1094
00:44:19,674 --> 00:44:22,641
Too much.
I fuckin' hate it.
1095
00:44:22,674 --> 00:44:23,056
I like older couples.
1096
00:44:23,056 --> 00:44:24,474
I like older couples.
1097
00:44:24,507 --> 00:44:26,574
I like couples
that's got time in, man.
1098
00:44:26,607 --> 00:44:28,741
You know why?
I like to see those
couples argue.
1099
00:44:28,774 --> 00:44:32,974
Couples with time in,
small problems become
big problems.
1100
00:44:33,007 --> 00:44:35,641
If you've got time in,
1101
00:44:35,674 --> 00:44:38,074
juice can become a problem.
1102
00:44:38,107 --> 00:44:41,607
Let you go buy some juice
and she's with you while
you buy the juice.
1103
00:44:41,641 --> 00:44:44,707
You go outside,
open up the juice,
she asks for a sip.
1104
00:44:44,741 --> 00:44:48,007
Bet money you lose your mind
over that sip of juice.
1105
00:44:48,041 --> 00:44:51,041
Bet money you snap.
Soon as you get outside,
"babe, let me get a sip."
1106
00:44:51,074 --> 00:44:53,056
"Uh, bitch, didn't you
just see me buy the juice
when I was inside?
1107
00:44:53,056 --> 00:44:53,907
"Uh, bitch, didn't you
just see me buy the juice
when I was inside?
1108
00:44:53,941 --> 00:44:56,374
So if you wanted some juice,
why didn't you ask
for some juice?
1109
00:44:56,407 --> 00:44:58,074
Now you want
a sip of my juice,
fuck around,
1110
00:44:58,107 --> 00:44:59,941
take a double sip,
I'm left with a little ass sip
1111
00:44:59,974 --> 00:45:02,074
'cause your over-thirsty ass
want to take a double sip.
1112
00:45:02,107 --> 00:45:04,841
No, get your own juice.
Walk your fat ass inside,
1113
00:45:04,874 --> 00:45:06,674
you sippin'-juice bastard.
1114
00:45:06,707 --> 00:45:09,674
You wasn't even
thinking about juice."
1115
00:45:09,707 --> 00:45:11,474
That'll be
on your mind all day.
1116
00:45:11,507 --> 00:45:13,541
Seven hours later,
you'll bring it back up.
1117
00:45:13,574 --> 00:45:17,807
"A sip of my goddamn juice.
You are something else,
you know that?
1118
00:45:17,841 --> 00:45:20,774
You are something else.
You weren't even thinking
about the juice."
1119
00:45:24,297 --> 00:45:27,830
I got into an argument
over mashed potatoes one time.
1120
00:45:27,863 --> 00:45:29,797
We almost broke up.
1121
00:45:29,830 --> 00:45:31,830
I'm very serious.
You know what I don't play?
1122
00:45:31,863 --> 00:45:34,063
I don't play that picking off
my plate stuff, ladies.
1123
00:45:34,097 --> 00:45:36,697
Don't pick off my plate.
I'm very serious.
1124
00:45:36,730 --> 00:45:40,063
I don't like it.
In the beginning, men,
we have to do it.
1125
00:45:40,097 --> 00:45:43,197
The reason why?
We're still trying
to impress you.
1126
00:45:43,230 --> 00:45:45,930
So we go overboard.
"Hey, you want a little piece?
1127
00:45:45,963 --> 00:45:47,897
Yeah?
You want me to cut it?
1128
00:45:47,930 --> 00:45:49,930
Yeah, I'll cut it.
I'll give you all this.
1129
00:45:49,963 --> 00:45:51,897
I'll just leave this
little piece for myself.
1130
00:45:51,930 --> 00:45:54,830
Yeah. No no no.
I probably should eat
the whole thing
1131
00:45:54,863 --> 00:45:57,130
'cause I'm a diabetic,
but no, I just want you
to be happy.
1132
00:45:57,163 --> 00:45:59,163
Yeah. You should
definitely drive home.
1133
00:45:59,197 --> 00:46:01,030
I can't see.
It's a little blurry."
1134
00:46:02,830 --> 00:46:05,097
We go overboard.
I'm gonna tell you
why I got mad.
1135
00:46:05,130 --> 00:46:07,830
We're at a restaurant
getting ready to eat dinner.
1136
00:46:07,863 --> 00:46:10,030
Her food comes
out before mine.
"You want me to wait?"
1137
00:46:10,063 --> 00:46:11,963
I said, "no, eat your food.
Mine'll be out.
1138
00:46:11,997 --> 00:46:13,330
Don't worry about it."
She's eating.
1139
00:46:13,363 --> 00:46:14,830
I don't ask
for any of her food.
1140
00:46:14,863 --> 00:46:17,230
"Enjoy your food, babe."
My food comes out.
1141
00:46:17,263 --> 00:46:19,397
He says, "enjoy your meal."
I said, "thank you, sir."
1142
00:46:19,430 --> 00:46:21,397
I take my napkin, fop,
put it on my lap.
1143
00:46:21,430 --> 00:46:21,928
The reason I go fop, it's big
to me 'cause I'm small.
1144
00:46:21,928 --> 00:46:24,763
The reason I go fop, it's big
to me 'cause I'm small.
1145
00:46:24,797 --> 00:46:26,730
It takes up a lot of space.
1146
00:46:26,763 --> 00:46:28,730
So I bow my head
to say my grace.
1147
00:46:28,763 --> 00:46:31,730
As I'm saying my grace,
I hear a metal fork
on my plate.
1148
00:46:33,763 --> 00:46:35,797
"Uh, bitch, you can't
wait till I'm done
talking to Jesus
1149
00:46:35,830 --> 00:46:37,797
before you touch
my goddamn plate?"
1150
00:46:37,830 --> 00:46:41,697
You know how mad that made me?
"Take the goddamn food, bitch!"
1151
00:46:41,730 --> 00:46:43,697
I snapped.
I get mad fast.
1152
00:46:43,730 --> 00:46:46,963
Little shit pisses me off.
Takes a lot of patience, man.
1153
00:46:46,997 --> 00:46:49,263
Whole lot of patience
to be in a relationship.
1154
00:46:49,297 --> 00:46:51,928
I'm understanding that now.
I'm understanding that
in a relationship,
1155
00:46:51,928 --> 00:46:52,830
I'm understanding that now.
I'm understanding that
in a relationship,
1156
00:46:52,863 --> 00:46:55,330
things will change, people.
Nothing stays great forever.
1157
00:46:55,363 --> 00:46:57,897
Sex will change.
1158
00:46:57,930 --> 00:46:59,697
In the beginning,
it's amazing.
1159
00:46:59,730 --> 00:47:02,197
You know why?
Men, we're creative.
1160
00:47:02,230 --> 00:47:04,997
We're spontaneous.
We've got a bunch of stuff
we want you to do.
1161
00:47:05,030 --> 00:47:06,863
"Come on,
let's do this.
Let's try this."
1162
00:47:06,897 --> 00:47:08,297
We've got a whole
bunch of stuff.
1163
00:47:08,330 --> 00:47:10,363
But after a while, fellas,
we get repetitive.
1164
00:47:10,397 --> 00:47:13,397
We start to do the same thing
over and over again.
1165
00:47:13,430 --> 00:47:15,297
Your lady will never
tell you this.
1166
00:47:15,330 --> 00:47:17,397
You got to be a real man.
You got to check your ego
1167
00:47:17,430 --> 00:47:19,863
to figure this out.
I'm gonna tell you how
you can tell
1168
00:47:19,897 --> 00:47:21,797
if you've been doing
the same stuff for years.
1169
00:47:21,830 --> 00:47:21,928
She ever get into a position
before you put her in it?
1170
00:47:21,928 --> 00:47:24,297
She ever get into a position
before you put her in it?
1171
00:47:24,330 --> 00:47:26,897
Think about it.
1172
00:47:26,930 --> 00:47:29,730
Just think about it a second.
That's how you can tell.
1173
00:47:29,763 --> 00:47:31,963
That's how
they mess with you.
You'll be having sex,
1174
00:47:31,997 --> 00:47:33,997
she's like...
( moaning )
1175
00:47:38,830 --> 00:47:40,663
"You want me
to turn over, right?
I knew it.
1176
00:47:40,697 --> 00:47:42,730
Same thing since '88.
You ain't changed."
1177
00:47:44,297 --> 00:47:46,330
She start answering questions
before you ask 'em.
1178
00:47:46,363 --> 00:47:48,397
"It's yours."
"I ain't say shit."
"You're about to.
1179
00:47:48,430 --> 00:47:50,930
You say the same thing
every time my ass
get up in the air.
1180
00:47:50,963 --> 00:47:51,928
You're about to come.
Watch, here it come.
1181
00:47:51,928 --> 00:47:53,163
You're about to come.
Watch, here it come.
1182
00:47:53,197 --> 00:47:55,130
You came?
I told you. High-five.
1183
00:47:55,163 --> 00:47:57,130
What'd I tell you?
I know my man.
Give it to me.
1184
00:47:57,163 --> 00:47:59,897
Up top."
Your dumb ass
get up dancing.
1185
00:47:59,930 --> 00:48:02,030
"You're goddamn right.
I tore that thing up."
1186
00:48:02,063 --> 00:48:03,930
No, you didn't.
No, you didn't.
1187
00:48:03,963 --> 00:48:06,863
It's the same dumbass moves
that you've been doing.
1188
00:48:09,297 --> 00:48:11,897
I know I'm not good
at sex anymore.
I know it.
1189
00:48:11,930 --> 00:48:15,830
No need for me to lie.
We've been together
too long.
1190
00:48:15,863 --> 00:48:18,330
I'm not gonna lie.
I've tried to rekindle
this flame, people.
1191
00:48:18,363 --> 00:48:20,663
I have.
I tried to spice it up.
1192
00:48:20,697 --> 00:48:21,928
Tried having
phone sex and stuff,
1193
00:48:21,928 --> 00:48:22,697
Tried having
phone sex and stuff,
1194
00:48:22,730 --> 00:48:25,230
but it's hard for me.
I've got too many people
in my house.
1195
00:48:25,263 --> 00:48:27,397
I got kids,
I got a nanny.
1196
00:48:27,430 --> 00:48:28,830
I got to call
at the right time.
1197
00:48:28,863 --> 00:48:30,397
I call one time,
she picked up.
1198
00:48:30,430 --> 00:48:33,030
I was like, "what you doin'?"
"Nothing. Laying down"
1199
00:48:33,063 --> 00:48:35,697
I said, "why don't you
lick your finger and touch
your nipple?"
1200
00:48:35,730 --> 00:48:38,330
She said, "what?"
I said, "shut up.
Just do it."
1201
00:48:38,363 --> 00:48:40,230
Out of nowhere,
all I heard was,
1202
00:48:40,263 --> 00:48:42,097
"daddy, you want me
to do mine too?"
1203
00:48:42,130 --> 00:48:45,630
"Hello? Hello?
1204
00:48:45,663 --> 00:48:47,630
Hello?
1205
00:48:47,663 --> 00:48:49,630
Is that the baby
on the phone?
1206
00:48:49,663 --> 00:48:51,928
Well, what the hell
is the baby doing on
the goddamn phone?"
1207
00:48:51,928 --> 00:48:52,330
Well, what the hell
is the baby doing on
the goddamn phone?"
1208
00:48:52,363 --> 00:48:54,963
When I came home,
it's like, "daddy!"
1209
00:48:54,997 --> 00:48:57,697
"Hey, no!
1210
00:48:57,730 --> 00:49:00,063
No! Come here.
That's gay!
1211
00:49:00,097 --> 00:49:02,263
Come here.
Let me tell you something!"
1212
00:49:02,297 --> 00:49:04,297
I didn't know what to do.
1213
00:49:04,330 --> 00:49:07,263
I did not know
what to do.
1214
00:49:07,297 --> 00:49:09,663
It's a difficult time
for me.
1215
00:49:12,130 --> 00:49:14,030
I'm gonna
tell you something.
1216
00:49:14,063 --> 00:49:17,130
I'm gonna tell you where
all of my sex advice comes from.
1217
00:49:17,163 --> 00:49:20,663
My grandpop.
My grandpop gives me
the best advice ever.
1218
00:49:20,697 --> 00:49:21,928
I love my grandpop to death.
I wish everybody could
meet my grandpop.
1219
00:49:21,928 --> 00:49:23,063
I love my grandpop to death.
I wish everybody could
meet my grandpop.
1220
00:49:23,097 --> 00:49:25,630
If you're lucky enough
to have your grandparents
in your life,
1221
00:49:25,663 --> 00:49:28,130
and you wanna laugh--
Listen to me.
1222
00:49:28,163 --> 00:49:30,163
Shouts out to all y'all
with grandparents.
1223
00:49:30,197 --> 00:49:32,897
If you got a grandparent
in your life
1224
00:49:32,930 --> 00:49:35,763
and want to laugh,
ask your grandpop--
Just see what he say--
1225
00:49:35,797 --> 00:49:37,630
Say, "grandpop,
when's the last time
you had some ass?"
1226
00:49:37,663 --> 00:49:40,330
Just to see--
Just to see what he says.
1227
00:49:40,363 --> 00:49:45,197
I promise you it'll be
the funniest shit you ever
heard in your life.
1228
00:49:45,230 --> 00:49:47,830
My grandpop never answered.
He just said a bunch of stuff.
1229
00:49:47,863 --> 00:49:51,163
This is not a joke.
I said, "grandpop, when's
the last time you had some ass?"
1230
00:49:51,197 --> 00:49:51,928
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID:
"Hey hey, look at me.
1231
00:49:51,928 --> 00:49:53,663
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID:
"Hey hey, look at me.
1232
00:49:53,697 --> 00:49:55,863
Okay?
Hey hey.
1233
00:49:55,897 --> 00:49:58,030
Hey. What'd I do?
You know what I did.
1234
00:49:58,063 --> 00:50:00,763
All right? Okay?
Let me tell you something.
1235
00:50:00,797 --> 00:50:03,830
I put that key in that door
and locked that motherfucker,
didn't I?
1236
00:50:03,863 --> 00:50:06,797
Hey. Okay? Hey. Gave her
that goddamn 'wha-whan,'
1237
00:50:06,830 --> 00:50:10,663
yes, I did. Yes, I did!
Look at my eyes.
Roll 'em."
1238
00:50:10,697 --> 00:50:14,130
"What? What does
any of that mean?
1239
00:50:14,163 --> 00:50:15,997
What did you just say?
1240
00:50:16,030 --> 00:50:18,963
What did you say,
grandpop?"
1241
00:50:24,663 --> 00:50:26,630
I'm telling you, man,
he's funny.
1242
00:50:26,663 --> 00:50:31,030
My grandpa's one of those
old down-south old men.
1243
00:50:31,063 --> 00:50:34,763
When my grandpa cuss,
he pronounce every letter
in the cuss word.
1244
00:50:34,797 --> 00:50:37,763
"Sh-ee-it-tt!"
Like he's serious.
1245
00:50:37,797 --> 00:50:39,797
He's serious old, man.
1246
00:50:39,830 --> 00:50:43,330
Let me tell you.
This is what he does
every day.
1247
00:50:43,363 --> 00:50:46,130
All my grandpop do every day--
He just stand at the
screen door
1248
00:50:46,163 --> 00:50:48,197
and just complain
and shit.
1249
00:50:48,230 --> 00:50:49,997
He just fuss all day.
1250
00:50:50,030 --> 00:50:51,928
"Look look look look
look look look.
1251
00:50:51,928 --> 00:50:52,297
"Look look look look
look look look.
1252
00:50:52,330 --> 00:50:54,863
Look look look at this.
Somebody come look at this.
1253
00:50:54,897 --> 00:50:58,363
Look at this.
Somebody come look at this.
1254
00:50:58,397 --> 00:51:00,397
Look at this.
1255
00:51:00,430 --> 00:51:04,130
Goddamn cat drinking milk
out the bowl.
1256
00:51:04,163 --> 00:51:07,030
Get out the bowl!"
This is what makes me laugh.
1257
00:51:07,063 --> 00:51:10,363
After he yell at somethin',
he stare at it for a long time.
1258
00:51:10,397 --> 00:51:12,597
"Get out the bowl!"
1259
00:51:34,030 --> 00:51:36,130
He was asleep.
He fell asleep.
1260
00:51:38,363 --> 00:51:40,863
I wish y'all
could see him.
1261
00:51:40,897 --> 00:51:42,397
Kids be teasin' him.
1262
00:51:42,430 --> 00:51:44,297
Kids are mean, man.
1263
00:51:44,330 --> 00:51:46,963
Why are kids so mean?
1264
00:51:46,997 --> 00:51:49,730
'cause they know he can't
get out the screen door.
1265
00:51:51,063 --> 00:51:51,928
They tease him.
They come up to the door.
1266
00:51:51,928 --> 00:51:53,097
They tease him.
They come up to the door.
1267
00:51:54,663 --> 00:51:56,663
Shit.
He gets so mad.
1268
00:51:56,697 --> 00:51:58,697
( mimics splutter )
1269
00:51:58,730 --> 00:52:01,763
Have you ever seen
an old person
1270
00:52:01,797 --> 00:52:04,297
get real pissed off
till they start making
them noises?
1271
00:52:04,330 --> 00:52:06,330
( mimics splutter )
1272
00:52:06,363 --> 00:52:08,630
"What?
What'd he say?"
1273
00:52:08,663 --> 00:52:10,763
"He's just angry.
1274
00:52:10,797 --> 00:52:13,330
He's an angry old man."
1275
00:52:14,797 --> 00:52:16,863
I saw my grandpop fall
one time.
1276
00:52:18,697 --> 00:52:20,230
Funniest shit I've ever
seen in my life.
1277
00:52:20,263 --> 00:52:21,928
Took my grandpop
47 seconds to fall.
1278
00:52:21,928 --> 00:52:23,197
Took my grandpop
47 seconds to fall.
1279
00:52:25,063 --> 00:52:27,830
It took too long.
It took way too long.
1280
00:52:27,863 --> 00:52:30,197
It's funny,
but it's not funny.
1281
00:52:30,230 --> 00:52:32,063
I'm gonna show you
exactly what I saw.
1282
00:52:32,097 --> 00:52:35,897
This is how my grandpa fell.
This is exactly what I saw.
1283
00:52:35,930 --> 00:52:37,863
Ahh...
1284
00:52:49,430 --> 00:52:51,928
I got tired of watching.
I just kicked it.
"Stop. Let go.
1285
00:52:51,928 --> 00:52:52,763
I got tired of watching.
I just kicked it.
"Stop. Let go.
1286
00:52:52,797 --> 00:52:55,330
Stop it. Stop it.
It could have been over.
1287
00:52:55,363 --> 00:52:57,297
You've not even
got that far. Stop.
1288
00:52:57,330 --> 00:53:00,163
It's too much,
grandpop."
1289
00:53:06,197 --> 00:53:08,297
Watching people fall
is funny.
1290
00:53:08,330 --> 00:53:10,697
When was the last time
you really fell?
1291
00:53:10,730 --> 00:53:12,897
"Oh oh oh!"
One of those.
1292
00:53:12,930 --> 00:53:15,597
"Oh no no!"
1293
00:53:16,930 --> 00:53:18,997
Hey, Shaq, when you fall
during the games,
1294
00:53:19,030 --> 00:53:21,097
it's the funniest shit
I've ever seen in my life.
1295
00:53:22,863 --> 00:53:25,363
Hey, you ever see his legs
after he fall?
1296
00:53:25,397 --> 00:53:27,397
Next time, look.
I'm telling you, y'all.
1297
00:53:27,430 --> 00:53:29,330
Next time you watch
a game and he fall,
this exactly what he do.
1298
00:53:29,363 --> 00:53:31,297
Look, it's always
something stupid.
1299
00:53:31,330 --> 00:53:33,597
He go up to get a rebound,
he don't get it.
"Oh. No."
1300
00:53:50,663 --> 00:53:51,928
LeBron. This is LeBron.
Look at him.
1301
00:53:51,928 --> 00:53:52,297
LeBron. This is LeBron.
Look at him.
1302
00:53:52,330 --> 00:53:55,630
"God damn it, Shaq.
Get your ass-- Shit, man.
1303
00:53:55,663 --> 00:53:59,063
Get up."
"I didn't know.
I didn't know."
1304
00:53:59,097 --> 00:54:02,730
( laughing )
1305
00:54:05,963 --> 00:54:07,863
Okay, one more, one more.
1306
00:54:07,897 --> 00:54:10,397
Shaq, this is how
you fall frontwards.
1307
00:54:10,430 --> 00:54:12,363
"Hey, no.
Oh God, please."
1308
00:54:25,763 --> 00:54:29,363
Holy shit!
Holy shit!
1309
00:54:29,397 --> 00:54:32,797
Oh, y'all got to look
at the coach's face.
1310
00:54:32,830 --> 00:54:34,863
Y'all don't watch
the right shit, man.
1311
00:54:36,230 --> 00:54:38,663
This is Shaq falling
and this is the coach.
1312
00:54:40,797 --> 00:54:42,897
"Somebody help his ass up.
1313
00:54:42,930 --> 00:54:45,663
LeBron, get him up!"
1314
00:54:45,697 --> 00:54:47,730
( mumbles gruffly )
1315
00:54:52,830 --> 00:54:54,763
"No no no.
1316
00:54:54,797 --> 00:54:56,997
I pushed him too hard."
1317
00:54:59,730 --> 00:55:01,997
I told you I was gonna
fuck with you.
1318
00:55:04,963 --> 00:55:07,330
I'm gonna tell y'all,
the fucked-up part
about that joke?
1319
00:55:07,363 --> 00:55:10,230
I fucked my knee up just now.
That shit hurt.
1320
00:55:10,263 --> 00:55:13,397
That shit hurt
so goddamn bad.
I tried to run it off.
1321
00:55:13,430 --> 00:55:15,397
That shit locked up
on me, didn't it?
1322
00:55:15,430 --> 00:55:18,863
That age is coming out.
That shit hurt like hell.
1323
00:55:20,863 --> 00:55:21,928
Talking about people falling.
1324
00:55:21,928 --> 00:55:23,230
Talking about people falling.
1325
00:55:23,263 --> 00:55:25,197
Tell you who else is funny
to watch fall.
1326
00:55:25,230 --> 00:55:28,363
Women, you don't fall,
you buckle.
1327
00:55:28,397 --> 00:55:30,930
I like watching
you guys buckle--
That heel.
1328
00:55:30,963 --> 00:55:32,930
Fop fop.
I like that.
1329
00:55:32,963 --> 00:55:36,297
That heel get hold of y'all.
Fop fop real quick.
1330
00:55:36,330 --> 00:55:38,663
Oh, that's the funniest
shit ever to me.
1331
00:55:38,697 --> 00:55:40,363
Y'all don't know
how to play it off.
1332
00:55:40,397 --> 00:55:42,330
Y'all don't know--
1333
00:55:42,363 --> 00:55:44,730
They don't know
what to do so they try
to stay regular.
1334
00:55:44,763 --> 00:55:46,963
It's always
on a cute night. "No, girl.
They talkin' 'bout--
1335
00:55:46,997 --> 00:55:49,163
Tonight-- No no, bitch.
1336
00:55:49,197 --> 00:55:51,263
Please, get the--
Get the heel.
1337
00:55:51,297 --> 00:55:51,928
No, it's slushy.
Get the heel.
1338
00:55:51,928 --> 00:55:53,297
No, it's slushy.
Get the heel.
1339
00:55:53,330 --> 00:55:55,930
Get the heel
back there, please."
1340
00:55:59,763 --> 00:56:01,897
Or y'all do--
Or y'all do that shit--
1341
00:56:01,930 --> 00:56:04,763
Or y'all do that shit
where y'all miss a step.
1342
00:56:04,797 --> 00:56:06,930
You ever see a girl
miss a step?
1343
00:56:06,963 --> 00:56:08,897
She don't fall down the steps.
Y'all ride 'em.
1344
00:56:08,930 --> 00:56:10,830
"N-n-no."
Y'all do that right there?
1345
00:56:10,863 --> 00:56:12,830
"N-n-no no no.
N-n-no."
1346
00:56:12,863 --> 00:56:16,630
You ever notice there's always
a pervert guy to catch you?
1347
00:56:16,663 --> 00:56:18,663
"N-n-no."
"I got you.
God damn. I got you.
1348
00:56:18,697 --> 00:56:21,197
Oh, damn it.
God damn.
1349
00:56:21,230 --> 00:56:21,928
You almost fell,
didn't you?
1350
00:56:21,928 --> 00:56:23,197
You almost fell,
didn't you?
1351
00:56:23,230 --> 00:56:26,030
I got you.
No, I got you
by your titties.
1352
00:56:26,063 --> 00:56:28,297
That's what I caught
you by-- Your titties.
1353
00:56:28,330 --> 00:56:30,097
Jesus.
1354
00:56:30,130 --> 00:56:32,763
I've never seen
anybody fall like that.
1355
00:56:32,797 --> 00:56:35,030
That was good.
I caught her right there.
1356
00:56:35,063 --> 00:56:37,263
Did you see how I caught her?
Her titty was in my hand."
1357
00:56:42,397 --> 00:56:45,163
I'm joking around
and making fun of
people falling,
1358
00:56:45,197 --> 00:56:47,197
old people and stuff,
but I can do that.
1359
00:56:47,230 --> 00:56:50,097
Know why?
I have old people
in my life that I'm close to.
1360
00:56:50,130 --> 00:56:52,197
My road manager and I
are very close.
1361
00:56:52,230 --> 00:56:55,930
He's older. He's old.
We fight a lot though.
1362
00:56:55,963 --> 00:56:58,230
It's kind of
like a relationship.
Been around me for years.
1363
00:56:58,263 --> 00:57:00,363
He was with me before money
even came into the picture.
1364
00:57:00,397 --> 00:57:01,997
He's the one scrambling
up for me.
1365
00:57:02,030 --> 00:57:03,863
When you're around
somebody for so long,
1366
00:57:03,897 --> 00:57:05,263
naturally you start
to butt heads.
1367
00:57:05,297 --> 00:57:06,830
Little shit annoy you.
1368
00:57:06,863 --> 00:57:08,830
I don't like
the way he sneezes.
1369
00:57:08,863 --> 00:57:10,763
I don't like it.
1370
00:57:10,797 --> 00:57:10,898
I swear to God,
when he sneeze,
it's a close call.
1371
00:57:10,898 --> 00:57:13,730
I swear to God,
when he sneeze,
it's a close call.
1372
00:57:13,763 --> 00:57:15,363
You think
he's about to die.
1373
00:57:15,397 --> 00:57:17,397
This is how he sneeze.
I'm not bullshitting.
1374
00:57:17,430 --> 00:57:19,797
It's the scariest shit
I've ever heard in my life.
1375
00:57:19,830 --> 00:57:21,997
( mimics raucous sneeze )
1376
00:57:27,730 --> 00:57:30,230
I've never seen nobody
catch their breath
from a sneeze.
1377
00:57:32,163 --> 00:57:34,030
He's old though, man.
1378
00:57:34,063 --> 00:57:36,063
He does so much shit
that pisses me off.
1379
00:57:36,097 --> 00:57:40,130
I don't like it
when people are slow.
He's very slow.
1380
00:57:40,163 --> 00:57:40,898
When you get in the car,
how long does it take
you to pull off?
1381
00:57:40,898 --> 00:57:42,997
When you get in the car,
how long does it take
you to pull off?
1382
00:57:43,030 --> 00:57:45,030
A couple seconds, right?
1383
00:57:45,063 --> 00:57:47,730
Okay.
It took him 25 minutes
to pull off the other day.
1384
00:57:47,763 --> 00:57:50,163
I'm dead serious.
I can't--
1385
00:57:50,197 --> 00:57:52,763
I can't tell you.
I got to show you.
1386
00:57:52,797 --> 00:57:54,830
But don't make me
laugh, okay?
1387
00:57:54,863 --> 00:57:56,697
I'm gonna show you
exactly what he did.
1388
00:57:56,730 --> 00:57:59,397
Okay.
I'm in the car.
I'm in the passenger seat.
1389
00:57:59,430 --> 00:58:01,297
I got my seatbelt on.
I'm ready for him.
1390
00:58:01,330 --> 00:58:03,330
All he's got to do
is get in, pull off.
1391
00:58:03,363 --> 00:58:05,930
I'm gonna show you.
Don't make me laugh though.
1392
00:58:08,863 --> 00:58:10,730
"All right.
Let's go.
1393
00:58:12,163 --> 00:58:14,197
( grunts )
Okay.
1394
00:59:18,797 --> 00:59:20,697
( mimics sneeze )
1395
00:59:26,230 --> 00:59:29,097
Oh. Oh no.
1396
00:59:29,130 --> 00:59:31,130
Okay.
Hey hey.
1397
00:59:31,163 --> 00:59:33,030
Hey, Kevin.
1398
00:59:33,063 --> 00:59:35,630
Hey, Kevin.
Hey, Kevin.
1399
00:59:35,663 --> 00:59:38,263
Hey.
Hey hey, Kevin.
1400
00:59:38,297 --> 00:59:40,697
Look where they at."
1401
00:59:51,163 --> 00:59:53,997
Now I don't wanna laugh
'cause I wanna see what
he's gonna say
1402
00:59:54,030 --> 00:59:56,197
about taking so long.
This is exactly what he did.
1403
00:59:56,230 --> 00:59:58,630
I'm not bullshitting.
"Oh God. All right.
1404
00:59:58,663 --> 01:00:00,697
All right, let's go.
All right.
1405
01:00:00,730 --> 01:00:03,763
Got it.
All right, got it.
1406
01:00:03,797 --> 01:00:05,897
Got it.
1407
01:00:06,897 --> 01:00:08,663
Got it.
1408
01:00:08,697 --> 01:00:10,898
You ready? You ready
to get on out of here?"
1409
01:00:10,898 --> 01:00:11,130
You ready? You ready
to get on out of here?"
1410
01:00:11,163 --> 01:00:13,863
"What the f-- Yes.
I'm waiting on you.
Come on."
1411
01:00:13,897 --> 01:00:16,830
This is the shit
that pissed me off.
He's all, "let's go.
1412
01:00:16,863 --> 01:00:19,263
Gotcha gotcha gotcha."
1413
01:00:19,297 --> 01:00:21,197
What the fuck is this?
1414
01:00:23,163 --> 01:00:25,830
"Why are you shooting at me?"
That shit made me so mad.
1415
01:00:25,863 --> 01:00:28,730
Like "what the fuck?
Don't put your hands
in my face.
1416
01:00:28,763 --> 01:00:30,730
You're being an asshole.
Just drive, man.
1417
01:00:30,763 --> 01:00:32,730
Don't say shit to me.
Just drive the car."
1418
01:00:32,763 --> 01:00:34,763
That is the only time
I've ever cussed at Nate.
1419
01:00:34,797 --> 01:00:36,397
He'd never got mad
to the point where
he'd cuss back.
1420
01:00:36,430 --> 01:00:38,197
This is the first time
he ever cussed back at me.
1421
01:00:38,230 --> 01:00:40,898
I could tell how old he was
by the way he cussed at me.
1422
01:00:40,898 --> 01:00:40,930
I could tell how old he was
by the way he cussed at me.
1423
01:00:40,963 --> 01:00:43,330
THIS IS WHAT HE SAID:
"Let me tell you
something, sucka.
1424
01:00:43,363 --> 01:00:45,863
Hey! Listen, Jack,
1425
01:00:45,897 --> 01:00:47,963
you ain't nothing
but a piece of cheese
without the corners.
1426
01:00:47,997 --> 01:00:50,230
In other words,
you ain't never gonna be
a slice, bitch."
1427
01:00:54,663 --> 01:00:55,830
"What did you
just say to me?"
1428
01:00:55,863 --> 01:00:58,163
"You heard what
the fuck I said."
1429
01:00:58,197 --> 01:01:00,930
Here's the thing--
I give Nate a lot of shit.
1430
01:01:00,963 --> 01:01:02,763
I tease Nate a lot, okay?
1431
01:01:02,797 --> 01:01:05,163
But at the end of the day,
he's got my back.
1432
01:01:05,197 --> 01:01:07,330
I know he does.
Nate'd take a bullet
for me if he had to.
1433
01:01:07,363 --> 01:01:09,963
How do I know this?
It's been confirmed.
All right?
1434
01:01:09,997 --> 01:01:10,898
We was in Dallas, Texas--
1435
01:01:10,898 --> 01:01:11,997
We was in Dallas, Texas--
1436
01:01:12,030 --> 01:01:15,097
Me, Nate, my boy Harry,
1437
01:01:15,130 --> 01:01:17,330
Wayne, spank--
My lady was with me.
1438
01:01:17,363 --> 01:01:20,130
We having a good time.
We do a show, we're at
the after party.
1439
01:01:20,163 --> 01:01:22,397
We gettin' it in.
♪ Mmm mmm ♪
1440
01:01:22,430 --> 01:01:24,630
♪ Get money,
mmm mmm ♪
1441
01:01:24,663 --> 01:01:27,063
♪ Get money. ♪
We gettin' it in, right?
1442
01:01:27,097 --> 01:01:29,363
I look up,
the owner of the club,
1443
01:01:29,397 --> 01:01:31,663
he got my lady by the arm,
her girlfriend by the other arm,
1444
01:01:31,697 --> 01:01:33,863
he's throwing them out.
I saw it happen,
1445
01:01:33,897 --> 01:01:35,930
but I acted like I didn't
'cause I didn't want to
be a part of it.
1446
01:01:35,963 --> 01:01:37,863
I didn't want
to be involved.
1447
01:01:37,897 --> 01:01:39,797
My boy Wayne
was like, "yo, he got
your girl by the arm."
1448
01:01:39,830 --> 01:01:40,898
"What? Chill.
Don't nobody do shit.
I got it."
1449
01:01:40,898 --> 01:01:41,763
"What? Chill.
Don't nobody do shit.
I got it."
1450
01:01:41,797 --> 01:01:43,863
I run up to him.
I say, "don't put your
hands on my lady, man."
1451
01:01:43,897 --> 01:01:46,030
I pushed him.
He didn't go back that far,
1452
01:01:46,063 --> 01:01:48,897
but it was
a good push for me.
It was all I had.
1453
01:01:48,930 --> 01:01:50,797
When I did it,
he was like, "security!"
1454
01:01:50,830 --> 01:01:53,163
Security came up,
grabbed me, put me in
a full-Nelson.
1455
01:01:53,197 --> 01:01:55,763
Now you know how
you think you making
somebody struggle?
1456
01:01:55,797 --> 01:01:57,097
You think you
give 'em a hard way to go?
1457
01:01:57,130 --> 01:01:58,630
I thought I was,
but I wasn't.
1458
01:01:58,663 --> 01:02:00,663
I was just moving my face.
I was like...
1459
01:02:00,697 --> 01:02:02,697
( grunts )
1460
01:02:02,730 --> 01:02:05,263
So now in my mind, I'm like,
"where is Wayne at?"
1461
01:02:05,297 --> 01:02:08,297
That's my security guard.
That's who I pay for shit
like this not to happen.
1462
01:02:08,330 --> 01:02:10,898
On cue, Wayne and my boy
spank come running up,
1463
01:02:10,898 --> 01:02:11,697
On cue, Wayne and my boy
spank come running up,
1464
01:02:11,730 --> 01:02:13,663
they grab
the security guards.
They're like, "get off him.
1465
01:02:13,697 --> 01:02:15,697
Let him go."
Now I hear 'em.
1466
01:02:15,730 --> 01:02:18,163
I'm still in a full-Nelson,
but I hear my friends
1467
01:02:18,197 --> 01:02:20,330
so I feel better.
I know I'm safe now.
1468
01:02:20,363 --> 01:02:23,330
But before they let me go,
the owner mushes me!
1469
01:02:23,363 --> 01:02:26,630
He puts his hand on my face.
"I said get the fuck
outta here."
1470
01:02:26,663 --> 01:02:29,130
Mushed me.
I never had nobody
put their hand on my face.
1471
01:02:29,163 --> 01:02:31,363
I didn't know what to do.
I didn't know how
to get it off.
1472
01:02:31,397 --> 01:02:34,063
I panicked.
I panicked.
1473
01:02:34,097 --> 01:02:36,763
I licked his palm.
1474
01:02:36,797 --> 01:02:38,263
I licked the shit
out of his palm.
1475
01:02:38,297 --> 01:02:40,163
"Get your hands...
Off my face."
1476
01:02:40,197 --> 01:02:40,898
He was like...
( guttural grunt )
1477
01:02:40,898 --> 01:02:43,030
He was like...
( guttural grunt )
1478
01:02:43,063 --> 01:02:45,330
Then they let me go.
Now I'm free,
1479
01:02:45,363 --> 01:02:47,797
but I'm not leaving
'cause I don't want him
to think I'm a bitch.
1480
01:02:47,830 --> 01:02:50,397
So I run back up to him.
"Yo, man, don't put your
hands on my face.
1481
01:02:50,430 --> 01:02:52,763
You don't know me like that."
As I'm talking to him,
1482
01:02:52,797 --> 01:02:54,797
I'm like, "oh shit,
he's in a fighting stance.
1483
01:02:54,830 --> 01:02:56,863
Kev, he about to hit you.
Protect yourself.
1484
01:02:56,897 --> 01:02:58,997
Better yet,
hit him first."
1485
01:02:59,030 --> 01:03:01,097
I throw a punch.
Punched him right in the face.
1486
01:03:01,130 --> 01:03:02,997
Bow! Never hit nobody
in the face before.
1487
01:03:03,030 --> 01:03:05,063
I was excited.
I celebrated.
1488
01:03:05,097 --> 01:03:07,097
I was like,
"yeah, bitch.
You don't want it.
1489
01:03:07,130 --> 01:03:08,930
Real niggas.
All day.
1490
01:03:08,963 --> 01:03:10,697
D-block. All day.
1491
01:03:10,730 --> 01:03:10,898
By myself.
Gun on my waist.
1492
01:03:10,898 --> 01:03:12,663
By myself.
Gun on my waist.
1493
01:03:12,697 --> 01:03:14,830
Smile on my face.
In jail.
1494
01:03:14,863 --> 01:03:16,730
One bed.
One blanket.
1495
01:03:16,763 --> 01:03:17,997
You wanna go
night night, nigga?
1496
01:03:18,030 --> 01:03:20,297
You wanna
go night night, nigga?"
1497
01:03:21,897 --> 01:03:24,263
So now he tries
to tackle me.
1498
01:03:24,297 --> 01:03:26,163
As I'm in my speech,
he tackles me.
1499
01:03:26,197 --> 01:03:28,230
Why would you tackle me?
I'm small.
1500
01:03:28,263 --> 01:03:30,097
I got a low
center of gravity.
I get him off me.
1501
01:03:30,130 --> 01:03:32,097
I start uppercutting him.
Mmm mmm mmm.
1502
01:03:32,130 --> 01:03:34,297
Whipping his ass.
He realizes that he's losing.
1503
01:03:34,330 --> 01:03:36,230
He tries to call
his security guard back.
1504
01:03:36,263 --> 01:03:38,197
"Thomas, Thomas,
come help."
1505
01:03:38,230 --> 01:03:40,797
I look over.
Wayne, my security guard--
1506
01:03:40,830 --> 01:03:40,898
Wayne got a real big stomach.
Wayne had Thomas
on the wall.
1507
01:03:40,898 --> 01:03:43,697
Wayne got a real big stomach.
Wayne had Thomas
on the wall.
1508
01:03:43,730 --> 01:03:46,230
When I looked over,
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I SAW:
1509
01:03:46,263 --> 01:03:49,030
Wayne was like,
"what you doin'?
Where you goin'?
1510
01:03:49,063 --> 01:03:51,730
No, what you doin'?
Where you gonna go?
What you doin'?"
1511
01:03:51,763 --> 01:03:55,330
It didn't look good.
I didn't know if he
was helping me
1512
01:03:55,363 --> 01:03:57,863
or helping his self.
I never brought it back up.
1513
01:03:57,897 --> 01:04:01,163
I didn't want to know.
So now reality has kicked in.
1514
01:04:01,197 --> 01:04:03,197
"Oh shit,
I'm in Dallas, Texas.
1515
01:04:03,230 --> 01:04:05,197
If I get arrested out here,
I'm not getting out of jail
1516
01:04:05,230 --> 01:04:07,197
till, like, Tuesday."
I'm like, "yo, let's go.
1517
01:04:07,230 --> 01:04:10,030
Get the car.
Nate, get the car!
Let's go!"
1518
01:04:10,063 --> 01:04:10,898
This is how I knew
Nate was O.G.
1519
01:04:10,898 --> 01:04:11,730
This is how I knew
Nate was O.G.
1520
01:04:11,763 --> 01:04:13,763
Nate got the car,
pulled the car up on the curb,
1521
01:04:13,797 --> 01:04:15,897
blocked the whole
curb off, right?
1522
01:04:15,930 --> 01:04:19,130
I've never seen Nate
this hype in my life.
He was hype as shit.
1523
01:04:19,163 --> 01:04:21,663
He's like, "hey!
Get Kev in the car!
1524
01:04:21,697 --> 01:04:23,930
Hurry up, man!
Hurry up before the cops come.
1525
01:04:23,963 --> 01:04:26,663
Somebody grab his head,
push his head down so
they don't see him."
1526
01:04:26,697 --> 01:04:29,797
When he said that,
I was like, "oh shit.
Nate used to be a killer.
1527
01:04:29,830 --> 01:04:31,697
How else would
he know what to do
1528
01:04:31,730 --> 01:04:33,730
in a situation
like this?
1529
01:04:33,763 --> 01:04:36,230
I don't even know
who he is anymore."
Then he snaps on me.
1530
01:04:36,263 --> 01:04:38,630
"I can't believe you, Kevin.
You got a career!
1531
01:04:38,663 --> 01:04:40,163
You doin' television,
you doin' movies.
1532
01:04:40,197 --> 01:04:40,898
You gonna jeopardize that shit
for a street fight?
1533
01:04:40,898 --> 01:04:42,230
You gonna jeopardize that shit
for a street fight?
1534
01:04:42,263 --> 01:04:44,063
That's stupid!
Let's go!
1535
01:04:44,097 --> 01:04:46,297
Hurry up, man!
Hurry up 'fore the cops come.
1536
01:04:46,330 --> 01:04:48,730
We don't have time.
Y'all wanna do what
y'all wanna do.
1537
01:04:48,763 --> 01:04:51,730
We got to get the hell
out of here.
1538
01:04:51,763 --> 01:04:54,030
We don't have
this type of time."
1539
01:04:59,997 --> 01:05:02,863
( mimics siren )
We never pulled off.
We got locked up on the spot.
1540
01:05:02,897 --> 01:05:05,363
Cleveland, I love y'all.
My name's Kev Hart.
Thank you.
1541
01:05:16,397 --> 01:05:18,597
( music playing )