Right, sorry, so the show's on the 16th.
And what... Is it a festival, is it?
How many people would you expect from...
From start to finish, how many people would you expect?
We'll say 4,000?
Keep it going.
No worries. Now, is alcohol being served at the event?
No, it's all being charged. It's a bar, is it?
Uh, is there food... is there food being served?
Good quality food, or probably just junk food?
Chips and... pizzas. Yeah.
And, uh, have you got any Indonesian foods or curries?
You have? Alright.
Well, normally, if it was a non-drinking event,
as far as alcohol,
and there was no food or curries,
for 4,000 people for 10 hours,
you'd have five male and five female blocks.
But you've got alcohol being served,
as well as the food and you've got curries in there as well,
which does make a bit of a difference.
And on the, uh... on the solid to water-based
or liquid waste ratio,
you've got a 4 to 1.
So it's basically four liquid to one solid.
That's the piss and shit ratio, yeah.
People... I must admit, when people find out what I do,
I mean, when they ask what I do, I say I'm a plumber,
and they say, "Well, that'd be pretty interesting,"
and I say, "Well, not that interesting,
"'cause all I plumb is shithouses."
As you can see, we've got a lot of blocks here.
We've just gotta find one more combo unit
and we're on our way.
Where is the bastard?
How do you lose a 40ft toilet?
Yeah, most people... they always freak out
because, of course, they think you're handling the stuff.
They think... I don't know whether they think I eat it
or whether they think I scrub it on meself.
You know, I plumb it.
See? Here's another classic example.
Someone having a 2-inch arsehole
and us only having installed 1 -inch piping.
As much as people think you're covered in shit and piss,
you're not.
It's 85% of its water.
85 and in some instances up to 90% water.
I know that leaves around
about 10% to 15% of shit and piss,
but there's some chemicals in there that work on that.
See, this is what we spend half our time cleaning up.
How hard is it?
I mean, I don't mean to be straight up about it,
but, I mean, there's a urinal -
you stand here and, being a male,
you've got a prong on you which points forward,
so I don't understand how they get it under their feet.
They must point it down.
The funny part is, parents look at me, you know,
and say, "Well, that's not much of a job, is it?
"Did you wish you did something else?"
I said, "Well, you had kids.
"You spent the first two years handling their shit.
"And you weren't getting paid for that."
And they're... they shit green.
Only thing that's supposed to be green
is apples, pears and Martians.
Stay there.
Yo!
That's the one.
Pretty lonely old job, this.
We're here before the crowds get here
and we're the last to leave.
We miss out on all the fun, don't we, Alf?
Yeah.
Yeah, shut her off, Alfie, she's all done, mate.
Just make sure you stock up all the poo tickets, boys.
This one's gonna get a flogging today.
Yeah, well, this is where most of the paperwork gets done,
obviously.
This is the... realistically, the sciatic nerve of Splashdown.
What we do, normally it's corporate bathroom rentals.
I mean, at the end of the day,
it's just a fancy way of having somewhere to shit, isn't it?
Having a nice place to purge.
But, uh, I mean, other companies...
Up in Sydney there's one that has a slogan -
'We're number one with your number twos'.
I prefer not to spend too long in the office.
I prefer working outside,
but this is obviously where the real business end gets done,
so to speak.
Doesn't matter how big the event is
or how important the event is,
be it a corporate event or a concert,
you would think that we'd be the first thing
that people would think of
because it's the one thing everyone does on most days -
à la me, 10 a.m., every morning, regular as clockwork.
It's never the first thing on their mind,
when, realistically, it should be the first thing they think of,
because if we don't turn up,
grab the business and get going with it,
well, they really are in the shit, aren't they?
We've got a bit of a drive here
because we've gotta drop this load off
at mama and papa poo in Werribee.
Funny thing is, a lot of people use the word 'shit' now
of course as an abusive word, you know, as a swear word -
the sort of word you wanna keep away from kiddies.
But the funny part is, where it came from
was when they started to transport manure in the ships
so they could use it to fertilize gardens.
Problem was, moisture would get in from the boat,
into the bottom of the boat
and mix up with some of the manure they were transporting,
and it would start to ferment and it would cause a gas,
and the problem was
if someone went down there with a candle
or lit a match or had a pipe or something down there,
sometimes it ignited and there was an explosion on the boat.
After that, they put all the crap in boxes
and it had 'SHIT' written on the side of the box
and that stood for 'Store High In Transit'.
And that's where it got its name from.
So... I don't know whether there's any truth
to that story or not,
but it's a pretty elaborate, you know, lie.
Bit of a long-winded set-up if someone's made that story up.
I'm going with it.
Yeah, so, I'm having to work a little bit of overtime tonight
just to get a couple of extra toilets ready.
We've got a heap of them going out next week.
As you can see, the kids... I don't know what they do.
They've broken through that one. They do all sorts...
Oh, have a look at this one. You won't believe this.
Have a look at this. This one I replaced this morning.
Look at that! Eh?
What kind of curry has that bloke been eating?
Devil's curry. Hell's teeth, I tell you.
I've never understood why people all carry on about it.
I... I enjoy a good crap, to be quite honest.
I not only enjoy it, I love it.
I don't think it's all pain and anger.
Me, personally, I sit on a toilet for 20-odd minutes,
as most men can.
Do you know, it's an interesting fact,
as far as smells,
apparently your body only is in shock -
and sometimes it is shock -
for about the first 7 to 12 seconds or something,
and after that you get used to it very quickly.
That's why a man can read
a newspaper or magazine from front to back,
you know, in the toilet, in his own smell, and not notice it.
Mind you, the next person that walks in
will think they've been smacked in the head
with a poo bat.
But, uh, I don't know, you know...
If a woman walks in after you, kill 'em. Knock 'em in half.
I've always understood that people...
I know everyone does get embarrassed by taking a crap.
You wouldn't wanna be doing it in the middle of Bourke Street,
butt-naked, trying to poo into a cup.
I mean, even dogs... if you watch a dog crap,
even a dog's embarrassed to do poos.
You know when they're doing a poo,
they're all bent over like they're trying to root a cricket ball,
but even they... even they get embarrassed.
And that's a dog. And they'll eat it!
This is, uh... What am I down to? Four strings.
I was given this guitar by a mate of mine.
He used to play a bit of music.
And he had a bit of an accident.
And, uh... his job, he was working,
got his hand crushed in a machine.
He couldn't play the guitar anymore, so...
...he gave me this.
And I always swore I'd learn to play the guitar
but I haven't really learnt.
The only thing I've learnt is that if I hit the strings really hard,
they break.
I think it takes a certain kind of person to do what I do
and it's just about having a thick skin.
No-one's ever impressed with what you do.
No-one's ever fascinated
or no-one ever wants to come and see what you do, or...
I imagine, if you were a fireman,
all the kids would want to jump on the back of the truck
and follow you to a fire.
There's gonna be no kids keen to do that.
I don't do it for the glory. I don't do it to impress people.
It's a job. But, you know, it's... it's what I know.
It's my trade.
And I actually think I'm pretty good at it.
That's not bad stuff, that.
As you can see, I've got a few different aftershaves,
which obviously, in my line of work,
doesn't hurt to have a few of those on hand.
A bit of an arsenal.
These are, uh... a mate of mine,
he's over in Japan at the moment.
You should have a look at these.
These are pictures... they're pictures of a toilet.
They must stand over it.
God knows how they keep that clean.
Over here, you sit right on the pan and they still miss it.
How would you be...?
There's Robbo's feet there. See?
Look at this thing here. It's out of 'Star Wars' or something.
This is the toilet here.
And see the armrest?
That's the control panel for it.
He hasn't explained what they all are.
But it's got two different settings
for a water jet to shoot up your date -
must be to wash it or something.
This must be the heater, or God knows what that is.
And, jeez, look at this.
This has got a speed dial.
And I don't know what that is,
whether it's a television or it takes an X-ray of your...
You know, I tell you what, this'll be the future.
We'll all be sitting on space-age shitters.
Not one single photo of his holiday trip.
I wouldn't have a clue where he's been,
but I know he's had two craps.
What's the go with putting the toilets
outside of the venue?
Well, that was where we were told to put it originally.
Not on the drawing.
Well... even though it's on the outside of the fence,
the fence has been moved
from where I was told it was gonna be.
I can't move it now.
You'd have to be Andre the Giant to lift it up.
It's a couple of ton a unit.
Well, can we get it sorted by the end of today, or...?
Well, to do it, I'll have to unplumb it,
turn the water off, get a crane.
I mean, I can have a go.
You want me to ring the boss? - Yes.
Alright, I'll ring Glenn and I'll come and see you.
Are you at the manager's hut? Yep.
Or I'm on a two-way. Just please get hold of me.
Alright. Done. Thank you.
Jeez, this'll be great. He wants us to move the toilet.
Well, they reckon we've put the toilet in the wrong spot.
Well, I didn't drop it off - Tom did.
But it's just outside the front fence,
which is where I thought it was supposed to go.
The F-111 lands...
This could be a little bit colorful.
That's from me... me ex-wife.
We're separated.
Apparently, me little boy's putting on a bit of a show.
I have to give her a ring. I won't be...
Yeah. Don't yell in the phone.
What... what... what has he called you?
Oh, jeez. Well, do you want to put him on the phone to me?
Yeah, well, oh, it's a bit different.
I'm a grown-up, mate. You're still a boy.
Yeah, well, you're gonna have to pull your head in a bit.
You can't be carrying on like a bloody raw prawn.
Alright.
Yeah, well, maybe just steady on a bit, eh?
Just try and pull it up a bit.
No, I understand that, but she's still your mother, mate.
It doesn't matter what I say.
Yeah, I know I said that, but we were a bit heated that day.
There's no need to be repeating that.
Alright, well, just try and settle down a bit.
No, mate, the first time I ever saw
Glenn shove his hand down a bowl,
and that's the owner of this company,
turned up in a suit, mate,
he ripped his shirt off,
straight into the shit.
And I got there, and I said,
"There's fuckin' a man after my own heart
"that'll do anything."
His arm's into it.
It's nice to have a boss that knows
what we're going through at last.
Do you know, I sometimes feel a bit lucky that I've got this job.
In this job, I must admit,
I've had a chance to see some great stuff.
And I work with a good bunch of blokes.
And, you know, that's more than anyone can ask for.
I tell you what, Robbo, do you mind if I lob here tonight?
I'll have a few more beers. I don't give a shit at all, mate.
Eh, you can even stay in that bed,
and I'll make a bed up for myself...
No, no. I'm not gonna stay in your bed, Robbo. It's your joint.
Ah, well, there's no problems, brother.
There's a lounge there. There's a bed there.
Hey, no worries. You've got the whole lot.
You know, the funny part is
everyone will deny the fact that they look at their poo,
but everyone does.
The ancient Greeks...
Cop this one.
The ancient Greeks, they used to use poo, back in...
I mean, talking 2,000 years ago, when Christ was alive.
They used to look at their poo, or people's poo
to forecast the future.
Mind you, if they'd seen some of the poo I've seen
at some of the festivals, the future looks pretty bleak.
But they used to use it to forecast the future,
back 2,000 years ago.
Hey, Darren, have you got power to those toilets
across there yet?
This is the busiest time of year.
This is the crazy time.
Obviously, when the sun comes out,
every bastard has a festival,
and we get flogged like crooked dogs in a...
It's a mongrel.
It just goes bonkers. It's as silly as a bum full of Smarties.
I often sing 'Advance Australia Fair'.
There's nothing wrong with having a bit of national pride.
Problem is, when I first heard it,
I used to think the song was, the words were,
"Australians all let us ring Joyce,
"'cause she is young and free."
So, obviously, I was making a goose of myself,
right up until the old man set me straight on the words.
I sing it right now.
"Australians all let us ring Joyce."
God.
You know, I get to see some great stuff doing this job.
And it's never boring.
But, I mean, you know, I hear of people all the time
and you read about it -
people sitting behind their desk at work
terrified that the next day they're gonna be out of work.
Well, that's not something I've ever gotta worry about.
You know, it's not like my business
is gonna dry up overnight, is it?
How you been? Well? Excellent.
I haven't seen you forever.
I'll catch up with you there. OK.
See you, mate. See you.
That's a mate from school.
That's a guy I went to school with.
That's Macka.
I must admit, I thought you'd got a bit taller
since I'd seen you,
but you've got these bloody boots on.
They're different from the footy boots you strapped on
when we were at school, mate.
There's not too much I regret about doing this job.
I think I've worked a lot of hours,
and it's probably aged me a bit.
You know, some of my mates reckon I'm looking a bit worn.
Well, I lost my missus.
I lost her out of it.
That was... Well, I didn't lose her. I know where she is.
She just left me, but, uh...
...it bit me on the arse pretty hard when she was leaving me.
You know, it was one tax I didn't expect to pay in this job,
and that was losing me missus.
But when you spend more time with other people's poo
than you do your own wife, you've gotta pay the penalty.
Do you know that 70% of marriages fail? 70%.
I mean, you hear of so many stories of that whole...
...that same scenario.
You know, you get married
and a week later they break up or something
or, you know, it doesn't work.
Or, you know, sex doesn't happen or something.
Or, you know, she goes off you or something.
Or, you know, the parents are around every day
or something.
Or you can't support them, give them what they want,
because they came from, you know,
a wealthier background or something than you,
and you're wishing that you could, you know,
support it more than that, but you can't,
because you just... you can't.
I always get a little bit nervous
when Pat comes in for one of his little chats.
Sadly, Pat's chosen to learn from my life's mistakes
instead of learning from his own.
- So... you still loved her in the end?
- Or did you...?
Oh, it was a little bit hard to love someone that hates you.
Yeah.
Don't worry too much.
If you worry too much, you'll drive yourself mad.
By the time you cut the wedding cake,
you'll cut the table in half, you'll be that nervous.
A wedding is an "I do" kind of day. That's all your pressure is.
Remember that - "I do."
Do you want to marry this woman till the rest of your life?
"I do."
Are you ready to go to the park?
Do you want to have photos taken next to her
now that you've married her?
"I do."
Do you want to go on the honeymoon
and do the horizontal folk dance?
"Yes, love, I do."
Just, all you've gotta remember is "I do".
There's no pressure, you know?
If you think of it like that, then it's not that big a deal...
...unless a bloke comes down in the wedding dress,
then you'll know your day's gone to shit.
But that's not gonna happen, is it?
I don't know whether I'm necessarily the right person
to be asking about all this, to tell you the truth, Pat.
Mine failed. I don't... you know
I once heard a guy say,
"Cut out the middle man -
"find someone you hate and give them a house."
Now, if you want to be negative about it,
that's the way you'd look at it.
You've been there. I haven't been there yet.
You've been through that.
I mean, I'm asking you because you...
...you were there for 14 years.
But that's... that was my missus.
You're gonna marry someone different.
And that's...
If you were gonna marry my ex-wife,
I'd have a ton of stuff to tell you.
Is this the right person? Is this the right time?
Is this the right...?
- Hello. - Yeah, come in.
Yeah, it's only me.
How are you? - Yeah, OK.
It's a fair old day outside, isn't it?
There's the boy. How are you, boy? You right?
You right to go?
All good. You've got some stuff packed and a towel?
Alright.
Well, we'll get going, eh? We'll hit the road.
What do you say, mate?
We'll be back, well, I don't know what time.
We're just gonna head off down the beach now.
So... - I need him back by 4:00.
I'm sorry? - I need him back by 4:00.
What? Well, it's midday now.
How am I gonna have him back by four o'clock?
I've got plans. I need him back by 4:00.
Look, you want to jump in the car, mate?
Grab your toy there. Jump in the car.
I'll be one sec.
I'm just gonna have a little chat to your mother.
It would've been nice to have known this
at 8:00 this morning when I rang.
We're going down to Ocean Grove.
It'll take me an hour and a half to get there.
I don't give a shit. I need him back at 4:00.
We're just taking him down to see his grandfather.
If I've got him back by 4:00,
we'll only spend 30 minutes there.
It would've been nice to have known this
this morning, though.
I'm taking the boy down to see his grandfather,
not that you seem to be too plussed about that.
Alright.
Jesus Christ.
Hey, do you want to jump in the front
with your old man, mate?
You don't want to jump up the front there?
We've got the front seat. You can sit up with me and...
Alright. Well, please yourself.
You're right in the back there, then?
Alright.
How you been, mate? You been good?
Hey? Well, er, we'll get you down to your granddad's.
We're just gonna go down to Ocean Grove, to the beach.
You like it down at the beach, don't you, mate?
What do you say, eh?
Dad, are you going to hell?
Am I going to hell?
Well, no, I'm not going to hell. Not as far as I know.
Why's that?
Because Mum said... Mum said you don't believe in God.
Mum said I don't believe in God?
And that's why I'm going to hell?
Well, mate, er... Look, I tell you what.
When God introduces himself to me,
I'll give him my full attention.
I'll give him 150%, mate.
But until then, I'm just a little bit busy.
Jesus, and I'm going to hell, she reckons.
To be quite honest, I think I'm already in it.
Am I going to hell!
You know, if my son ended up doing this job,
I don't think I'd be that upset by that.
If he was happy,
and he had good people around him
like I've got good people around me,
and he's making OK money
and he's proud of what he does as a trade -
'cause, don't forget, it is a trade...
Hello?
...I'd be stoked for him.
You there, Dad? Hey, mate, how are you going?
Oh, you made it, I see.
I did. Good to see you again.
Say hello to your grandfather, son.
You better... Wait on, boy. Take your shoes off.
You might have to pop them off.
You'd better get yours off too. - Alright. We'll pop them off.
Right.
Have you been well? Oh, yeah. Listen...
Eh, eh, just before... No, wait on.
I've just had that scotchguarded there.
You'd better get these off. You'd better get these off.
Well, they're clean. I mean, I haven't been...
I've only dropped into the office this morning.
There's no business on them.
I'm actually going to a job tonight.
Well, they don't look too flash to me.
Get them off. I'll get you...
I've got something you can wear. Here, I've got...
Get them off, would you?
Well, I can't run around in me jocks, Dad.
No, well, I've got something.
I've got a gown here you can put on.
No-one's gonna see you.
For Christ's sake. Just take them off.
Jesus Christ.
Well, what am I gonna wear?
I've got a gown here. I've got a gown, I said.
So what else is news, Dad? What have you been doing?
Oh, not a lot. There's not a lot to do down here.
It goes past with monotonous regularity.
Just don't take your foot off the thing. Just let me move that up.
Sure.
I'll get a couple of coasters there for...
Won't be a tick. - Alright.
There you go, young fella. Don't... Try not to spill that.
Just keep... keep your eye on him.
He'll be right, Dad.
There you go, son. There's your water for you.
I'll give you a tea. I'm a bit light on for coffee.
My pension doesn't come through till next week.
Did you ring that bloke that I told you to ring about the job?
No, I didn't... No, I haven't rung him.
Why not?
He's a good mate of mine. Why didn't you ring him?
I'm not saying he's not a good mate of yours, Dad.
It's just I don't need to ring him. I've got a job.
Yeah, but I'm talking about a real job.
I'm talking about a real job.
I've got a real job, Dad. I'm a plumber.
Yeah, plumber, my arse. I know what you are.
Here, young fella.
You better go outside and eat that.
I don't want you dropping crumbs all over the floor.
Sit on... outside.
Take your hat, mate, so...
You might get a bit of sun out there.
Pop your hat on too, eh?
I'm a little... a little disappointed in you, son.
In me? Disappointed... disappointed with what?
It's a full-time job, Dad.
I'm working six to seven days a week
and I'm pulling in over $1,200.
Yeah, what, a full-time job?
I didn't put you through school
for you to become a fuckin' glorified turd burglar,
and that's all you fuckin' well are!
I'm a plumber, Dad. I'm a plumber.
Oh, plumber, my arse!
Don't say this stuff in front of the boy.
I won't say it in front of him. That's why I sent him outside.
I'm not a ding-a-ling.
You never see a man, you never come to see me
and when you come here, all you wanna do is argue.
I don't wanna argue. I've just got a job.
As soon as you can accept that I've got a full-time job...
I thought you'd be glad to see me.
I am glad to see you, Dad.
I've just driven down here to... Of course I'm glad to see you.
And the lad's growing up.
The last time I saw him, he was about this high,
and have a look at him now - he's nearly fuckin' 6ft.
You don't bring him near the place.
What, are you ashamed of me or something?
Of course I'm not ashamed of you, Dad.
Aw, it gives me the shits, it does, boy.
You've never appreciated anything I've done for you.
Oh, it's not about appreciation, Dad.
I'll just wash this cup.
Pop your shoes on, mate.
Here, young fella. Here.
Put that in your kick and be good to your dad, alright?
Here, give us a cuddle.
Thank Granddad for the 20 cents. Say thank you...
Thank you. - Alright.
Off you go. I wanna have a talk to your father.
Keep your eye on the boy and don't have him running round
like a wild navvy, for Christ's sake.
I never let you get away with any of those things.
If you don't rule them with a rod of iron,
they'll make an arsehole of you out in public
when you take them out.
He's alright. Yeah, he's alright.
Well, keep him that way.
Alright, well, I'll see you again. Alright.
Don't make it so long next time, for Christ's sake.
A man never sees you. You never come to visit me.
I'll see you soon. As soon as I've finished...
And if you get a chance, ring that bloke about that job.
It won't happen, Dad. Good to see you.
Alright. See you.
Righto.
One! Two! Three!
Move!
I mean, this is kind of my outlet, you know?
On the job sometimes, you know, you get a few smarties -
you know, a couple of clever dicks on the job
that always wanna have a go at you.
And, you know, they're all full of Dutch courage
and got themselves full of the Batman juice.
So I started doing this as a little bit of insurance,
a bit of self-insurance.
Out! In! Out!
What's that? A little bit quicker, mate.
A little bit quicker!
The only hard bit sometimes is, with the head gear on,
plus I'm actually slightly deaf in one ear -
my right side...
Hook - right hand! What?
Hook - right hand! Right. Sorry.
Takes it out of me, this, but I do enjoy doing it, the old boxing.
Beat the shit out of each other and get back to work.
I don't make the rules up. I don't make the plans.
We get all given the same map.
You've gotta be more conscious
of what other guys are doing, mate.
You want three units, so we'll need to get that truck in there.
The toilet over there is disgusting.
There's piss all over the walls.
It's gross. You really should try and maintain them.
You'd think it'd be a simple thing.
150 bucks a head. $150.
I kind of think what I could do with $150 for 200 people.
Which way? Over this way?
Hey, hang on, hang on!
- Sorry, love! - If you don't mind!
Sorry. I'm actually here with...
I'm here with the... toilet company.
Sorry, love.
I didn't see anything, if that makes any difference.
Jesus.
You know, I wouldn't mind...
They could shit on the floor, I can cope with that.
This is what annoys me the most - this stuff.
Look, 'Davo waz here'.
Can't spell for a starter.
'Davo waz here'.
What a claim to fame that is.
Imagine if he went to, er...
Imagine if he got to the Eiffel Tower.
He'd want a golden handshake,
a fuckin' brass band and a fireworks show.
This is his claim to fame. He's been to our shitter.
What a fuckin' muppet.
Kenny, are you there?
Yeah, go ahead, Pat.
Listen, mate. I need you down at the block.
A bit of a situation here. We've got...
I can't hear you. You're breaking up.
I need you here to have a look and...
I'll be there in a minute. Just hang on a second.
Jeez.
Just found him here.
See if you can...
...undo that chain.
What the bloody hell's...?
You right, mate?
Can you...? Hey, mate? You alright?
How are you going? Wake up, tiger.
Hang on, hang on.
Simon!
Don't touch me! Don't touch me!
Jesus. Well, he was passed out when we got here.
He wasn't even awake so we had to kind of wake him up.
And as soon as we woke him up,
and he realized that he was chained
and handcuffed to the toilet,
he just went berserk.
Peter!
I don't know. Maybe he's on drugs or something.
He was jumping round like a fish.
You bastards!
No, no, it's... He's on a bucks night or something.
He's probably got some mates here somewhere.
They've drawn on him with texta.
- What's your name? - I'm Kenny... Smyth.
S-M-Y-T-H.
Listen, I've got my own car here, alright? I drove here.
I drove here by myself.
Arggh! Where the fuck...?
Simon!
Sandra's gonna kill me.
Sandra's gonna kill me!
Funny, isn't it?
Of all the people I could have had with me
while I was witnessing
this guy's bucks night gone wrong...
I own my own fuckin' house!
...I had to have Pat.
I wanna go home. I wanna go home!
I will hear about this for the next fortnight.
Have a good night, fellas. Thanks, fellas.
This is just what you guys needed tonight, wasn't it?
Exactly!
You didn't see anything at all?
No, I walked in and saw him.
Ugh!
Jeez. Oh!
What's the weather like down there, Kenny?
Oh, yeah, it's great, Sammy. It's great.
What's this Pat's bloody story? - Eh?
Oh, he's giving me the shits lately.
What are you...? Huh? - Pat.
It doesn't actually take a genius at times
to figure out who are the square pegs
in a room full of round holes.
We've got a new guy, Sammy, who started with us.
Nice bloke.
He's a hard worker, there's no doubt about that,
but he's hard work.
Always going on about this bloody marriage
and, "Is this gonna go right?"
or "Is that gonna go bloody right?"
Is he gonna marry her or not?
I'd say so. They've got a wedding.
He's either gonna marry her or not marry her.
If he ain't gonna marry her, I'll give her one.
Look, mate.
I understand what you're saying, I really do,
and I am hearing you,
but, mate, what you've gotta understand
is there is a smell in here
that is gonna outlast religion, alright?
So can you just give me ears a rest for a minute?
Just give it a break for a sec
and we'll talk about it later, alright?
I'd appreciate it, mate.
Now you know how I feel.
Yeah, I do.
Just like Pat - full of shit.
Keep going that way, over towards the ambulance.
Face it, she's had too many drinks, mate.
It doesn't matter whether she's drunk or on drugs,
just get her through, will you?
Just push the crowd, will you? Just push, will you?
Get in front and push the crowd out of the way.
I'm trying to get through but I can't.
I often get nervous on days like these
at these big beach festivals, you know.
They draw a very big crowd
and we quite often have to bring in extra crew.
You know, with half the kids on the wacky tobaccy
and the fruity disco biscuits,
you know, they're as mad as a clown's cock.
Yeah, I am, actually.
I've got a little girl. She's been into two toilets.
There's no toilet paper at all. Are you doing your job here?
If you have a toilet, you have to have paper, understand?
We do, mate. I'm sorry. I mean, we're filming...
Don't be sorry. Don't do it again. Make sure there's paper.
We'll get it fixed up for you. I've gotta go now.
OK, what I'll do... Sam, I want you to stay with Pat, OK?
You stay with him for another couple of hours.
Have a look at this here.
This is half my trouble here.
See, he's supposed to be looking after
that toilet I've been getting all the complaints about.
He's from university or something.
He's the one that rang us
and said he wanted to make a few extra bucks,
and look at him.
I've gotta tell you something, mate.
I appreciate you want some food,
but we've had nothing but complaints
from your toilet block
and you're over here eating and watching the festival.
I just left Dave over there with it.
I just nipped over here...
...literally just nipped over here for this.
It's been a big day for all of us.
I've been here since six o'clock this morning.
I know you guys come on at midday.
There'll be food available later on.
Oh, right. No, I didn't know.
If you can just head back to the toilets,
you're gonna need to give them a clean.
You'll figure it out.
All you do is keep toilet paper and keep it clean.
It's unbelievable, isn't it?
Like I said, he's probably studying to be
an accountant or something.
He can't even clean a shitter.
- No. - How much longer?
Look, it looks clean to me. It looks fine.
If you'd have seen it five minutes ago, love,
you wouldn't have thought so.
But there you go. Sorry about that. In you go.
Have a look at this.
Mate, I've had three complaints about the girls toilets already.
There's just, like, so many people in there at the moment,
I don't want to, er... I can't really go in.
There's gonna be a lot of people in there all night.
It's a festival.
Even with the girls in there?
That's your job. You can throw it over the top of the door.
They need paper more than they do conversation.
Rightio. Alright.
Jeez.
I've just gotta talk to you about something.
Yeah, what's wrong? I've been here for 12 months.
He's been here for two weeks! - Yeah.
And he's honestly,
he's constantly telling me what to do.
He's really starting to piss me off.
I mean, is there a hierarchy here or something?
No, no, there's no hierarchy, Pat. We're all shitkickers, mate.
There's no pecking order in poo, mate.
Well, no, but at the same time, you know,
there's a loyalty there
if you've been here for two weeks,
or if you've been here for 12 months.
I mean, he thinks he's in charge.
- Hey, Kenny? - Yes, mate?
This woman, she's lost her ring down the toilet.
Which woman? Which one?
She's just that one over there.
What's she done?
She's lost her wedding ring down the toilet
and she wants us to get it out.
So what do you do?
You'll need to deal with that.
Look, you head over there and get a start on it
and I'll come over and help you out.
But how do you...
Well, you've just gotta fish it out.
I'll be over there in five minutes.
You've gotta get in real quick, mate, because it'll settle.
You've gotta get into it pretty straightaway, mate.
You've had a pretty easy day.
You've had a good day so far
and this is something you have to do.
We do it all the time.
We've promised we're gonna get her ring
and that's what we have to do.
I reckon I could feel it with gloves if I had some gloves.
Mate, you're gonna have to take my word for it.
If you put the gloves on, you're not gonna feel the ring.
There's nothing... Mate, it only happened a minute ago.
It's gonna be sitting pretty much on the top of the pile.
That's why you can't have gloves
or you'll push it straight into it.
Just bung your hand down there and grab it,
and as soon as you're done,
we'll wash her ring, obviously, and your hand
and it'll all be over.
It's 85% water, mate. There's nothing to worry about.
I thought this would be corporate bathrooms,
you know.
It says 'corporate bathrooms'.
It's only a logo.
I thought it'd be businessmen and stuff.
You reckon all the girls on Virgin Airlines are virgins?
Sorry.
But...
I'll do it myself.
Good luck with his bloody degree. Jesus.
How are you going, love? Well, there you go. We got it back.
That's her there. That's your ring, isn't it?
That's the one. Thanks. Fantastic.
Well, there you go. OK.
Hang on. You right?
It's a bit embarrassing.
No, it happens all the time. It's not the first time.
I'll pop it in there for you.
Thanks for that. - No worries.
I'll see you later, then.
Great, this is.
I've bloody... I've been held up here
and now I've just found out
I've gotta drive the truck back to the depot,
and I'm supposed to be at my brother's birthday tonight.
I will say one thing,
and that is today's just about got me beat.
I'm not exactly gonna be the life of the party tonight.
Today was...
Today was a pretty long day.
Like I said, I can't let you in.
With what you're wearing,
I can't let you in there tonight, alright?
I understand. Well, can you go in?
No, I can't. I need to stay here and look after this door.
I can't let you in.
He's just in here.
Sorry, can you get David?
Yeah, can you grab him for us?
One minute, mate, alright? Just one minute.
I'll come back out once I've found him. Thanks, mate.
Go home, get changed and come back.
I'm not introducing you to people in fuckin' overalls.
Jesus Christ. I wouldn't do that to you.
Did I fuckin' turn up to your 21stin a fuckin' pair of shorts?
Well, look, it wouldn't worry me, would it?
Look, I'd go home and get changed,
but it's gonna take me 2 to 2.5 hours.
I've gotta go to Werribee and dump a load in the truck, so...
Alright, then.
How about I give you a ring during the week?
I'd prefer if you came back, but if you've gotta do that, do that.
Well, I won't have time. I'll ring you during the week.
Happy birthday anyway. Thank you.
Alright. Have a good one.
Thanks, mate. Thank you.
I have very fond memories of my childhood.
You know, David and I were brought up on a farm
in sort of northern Victoria.
Mum and Dad were... they were farmers. They had an orchard.
And that's where I spent my entire youth, you know.
I'd only ever been to the city...
We used to come down to the city on the fruit runs
when it was time to deliver all the fruit to the market.
I try and get down here pretty much every year
for Mum's birthday.
Mum brought me these gloves. They're beauties.
Little sleeve there with a button as if they're off a suit.
Good sense of humor, my mother.
I don't know if David comes down here much
and I know Dad still finds it pretty hard,
but I actually like coming up
and, you know, I don the gloves
and I give her marble cubbyhouse
a bit of a once over, you know.
Give it a bit of a spruce up.
Good... good fun lady, my mum,
and well-liked in the town, you know.
'Big cake lady', they'd call her.
She wasn't a good cook, but she made big cakes,
and that was pretty popular with all me mates.
Very affectionate woman, my mum.
When you were being hugged by her,
you knew you were being held
because Mum's shape... from behind,
she looked like a fridge with a head, but, you know,
you knew you were being cared for, you know,
'cause Dad's emotional bank account had two cents in it.
So Mum let you know you were loved
and Dad kept the work going to keep the money coming in.
And that's the way it was in those days, you know.
Drivers in the drag-racing category,
could you move to lane six?
It's a pretty strange place, I suppose,
to have a church at a racetrack.
They've actually got it here for the drivers,
somewhere that they can say a prayer
before they go out to a dangerous race,
which I think is good.
I hope no-one ever gets offended by the fact
that I come here and have something to eat,
but I don't think anyone does.
I mean, I'm just having a sandwich, you know.
I mean, after all, it is bread -
I'm having my daily bread, you know.
And I don't think you need to be religious
to feel the effects of a church,
and that's why I choose to come and sit here.
You know, it's a very calming place.
You know, I think the racing event they put on here
is sensational.
I mean, there is something here for everybody.
But wouldn't you know it,
you still get the same old pack of pinheads
that wanna ruin it for everyone else.
They camp at the southern end of the racetrack
and they get up to all sorts of mischief.
The thing that really gets my goat about these monkeys
is that we have to, by law,
supply them with these toilets, right?
And every year, without fail, after the end of the last race,
they set fire to the bastards.
What we'll do is if we can get up there
15 minutes before the last race starts, right,
before the Pitman Challenge,
and the only way we can get there, right, is via the racetrack.
If we drive around the other side of the track,
jump over the barrier and we stand with them,
that'll be enough to deter them from setting fire to them.
Can't the cops do that?
Well, no, they can't. Our job's to save the toilets, alright?
Shut up, Pat, they're not worried about fuckin' toilets.
What's wrong with you, you plonker?
We haven't... Guys, just focus for a minute, alright?
There's only a few more cars to drag,
so we should get going now, right?
You know, if I can just save one toilet, I'll be happy, I reckon.
You have got to be joking!
It's the equalizer, isn't it?
Oh, Jesus Christ, fellas, can we just work together?
Can we just work together on this one?
Put the bloody thumper bar away, mate!
Shit! Jesus Christ.
The fuckin' race has started.
Look, just pull over. Hey, shut up.
Hang on, boys!
Just hang on! Shut it!
For fuck's sake!
Just keep...
We're here driving in the middle of a truck race...
Don't worry about anything!
Just hang on! Let me concentrate!
Now, shut up, for Christ's sake.
Are the boys on the back alright?
Pat, just look at the boys in the back. Are they alright?
I don't believe it, Pat.
You're fuckin' like a nancy fuckin' ninny!
Guys, can we just calm down?! - He is out of control.
What do you mean 'out of control'?!
You are fuckin' out of control. - I'm not out of fuckin' control!
Please, do me a favor...
Oh, Jesus Christ,
they've already lit one of the toilets, the bastards!
Alright, guys, there's a break, come on!
Come on. Go, go, go!
Go to the wall!
Oh, look at these mongrels.
What are you doing, Pat? What are you doing?!
Sammy, wait for... Sammy?! Sammy?!
Get it up.
Oi! You spilled my beer, you bastards!
Let go of him.
Oh, Jesus!
Put it out, Thommo. Put it out. No, mate, me!
Leg, leg, leg! Oh, jeez.
Get it, Thommo. Put it out. Get it!
Right, that's enough!
You've all had enough fun now, alright?
Come on, you've had your fun!
Get going, you hoons!
Let's lock 'em all up, boys. They're unlocked.
Let's lock 'em up. Alright.
You right? Yeah, I'm alright.
Everyone alright?
Pretty crazy old night that one, wasn't it?
I mean, that's really put me
to the end of my test tonight, I tell you what.
That's... that's almost my limit, I reckon.
I mean, no man should be set on fire
trying to save one of his shitters, you know.
It's... ridiculous.
The problem is it's Glenn's decision,
I won't be able to have you here
and I'm sorry it's worked out that way.
All I did was trot up there to try and save the fuckin' toilets.
But you punched the guy out. He got in the way.
Sammy, every event we do,
there's people in between us and the toilets.
If you run around punching people out
every time you've gotta get to a toilet,
we'll have to be sponsored by Don King, mate.
We're plumbers, you know what I'm saying?
Well, where was Pat?
Pat was doing a backward flip, wasn't he?
Mate, I know he was going backwards.
He's not cut of the same mustard of you and me, mate.
And the point is, he's paid as a plumber, not a title fighter.
He's a toilet cleaner, mate.
Mate, the decision's been made.
And the reality is that I've just gotta let you go.
I need this job big-time, I'm telling you. I need it.
I'm gonna be evicted from me house.
If I lose this job, I'm gonna have nowhere.
No, you can't sack me.
You tell him I'll be here seven o'clock Monday morning.
Sammy, I can't do that, mate. You know that.
The only thing I can do for you
just to get you out of a tight spot
is I can lend you some money here.
Throw that in your skyrocket there.
Thanks, Kenny. I appreciate it. That's alright, mate.
Just sit there and have a rest for a minute.
And just let me grab you a coffee
and just sit there for a minute and have a rest, eh?
Go, Kenny, go!
Dig deep! Go on! Dig deep!
Kenny, what are you doing?!
Come on, Ken, work! Work it!
Work! Hold it up!
What are you doing, Kenny?! Come here!
You can't train like this, mate.
You either gotta give it a fair go or get out.
Now get in there and have a go. I might call it a night, eh?
I'm not feeling up to it.
You've gotta have someone else to do this.
I can't do all this with all the work we've got on.
With Sammy gone and bloody Pat off getting married, Glenn,
I can't do this.
Look, you're going. I've already booked the tickets.
What do you mean...
And you're flying business class too.
But you told me about this show.
This show's enormous. Can't you go?
Listen, relax, you're getting too wound up about it.
We'll cope down here, alright?
What's this?
Believe me, mate, you'll have a ball.
It's Nashville, Tennessee.
You'll get over there, you work a couple of days,
the rest you'll just enjoy yourself.
Did you know about this?
I'll be buggered.
Me own business cards.
Hello, Mr. Sacks, how are you?
- Fine, thank you. - Very good.
It's on the far side, thank you very much.
How are you going? Hello.
Mr. Smyth, that's the far aisle, thank you.
No worries, alright. There's a card there.
That's... I'm Kenny, obviously. Alright.
Just if you need me or anything.
So, down this way here? No, the far aisle.
Alright, no worries, thanks for that.
Gee, look at the size of this.
There's a lot of people here, isn't there?
You pop your bags up the top, do you?
Your bags go up the top, is that right?
This is, uh... little boy gave me this
just to bring this along to remember him.
'Best Dad', it says.
It's not a bad award that one, is it?
I'm, uh... I'm Kenny, anyway, mate.
How are you going? There's my card there, actually.
That's my name there.
This your first time on a plane?
No, you fly quite a bit.
Better whack the old seatbelt on.
I wonder what the fine
for not wearing a seatbelt on a plane is.
It's 150 bucks in a car, it'd cost a fortune on a plane.
Ladies and gentlemen,
from the flight deck, a very good morning.
The captain speaking...
This is fun. This is fun.
I wish me boy could be here with me. He'd love this.
Here we go.
Where does the... the...?
I'm not sure how that plugs in.
It must be... screwed into the backing plate or something.
Holy shit!
Hell's bells!
That is just off its tree.
They've won me over with that.
There you go, mate.
Sorry about that. No worries.
Just watch it in there, mate.
That machine, once you press that flusher,
that thing'll probably suck your guts out through your bum.
I don't know, I guess this'd make sense
if we were going to Hawaii or something,
but it's supposed to help with the circulation.
But I don't know how long you're supposed to do it for,
you know.
If I do it for five minutes, is that the world record?
Or if I do it for two hours, is that not enough?
Seems to be a problem up there with the toilets.
Well, they certainly seem to be fussing around with it.
I think I've broken the toilet
when I've undone the clips on the back of it.
I'm gonna have to sort this out.
You right here?
Having trouble here? Oh, yeah, look, it's fine.
The ground staff in L.A. will deal with it when we get there.
Oh, that's fine. I've, um...
I actually work with Splashdown.
We fix toilets. I can have a look at it for you.
Oh, it's fine. Actually, we can't let you in there.
Oh, no, no, this is actually what I do. It's alright, I'll show you.
Yeah, I work with toilets all the time.
This... There's a clip there
and there's another clip just in there.
And once you...
Cheers.
Well, thanks for doing that. - Oh, that's alright.
'Cause we're not usually allowed to...
I mean, that would be... - Oh, it's what I do.
Kind of what the business does.
Splashdown. - Yeah.
Corporate bathroom rentals. It's alright.
It's nothing too flash but, you know,
here it is, got me, it's got me traveling overseas.
In fact, this is my first time I've ever been on an aeroplane.
No. Ever.
I'm the first person out of our whole family
to ever have flown out of Australia.
And I got a nice little wine here.
Mind you, like I said, I don't normally drink white wine.
That's actually not too... - Chardonnay.
What do you usually drink? - Oh, beer.
Oh, well, yeah, yeah.
I drink beer like it's about to go out of fashion
and I'm the new trendsetter.
So I love it.
I'd bath in it, if I had my own way.
Is it alright if I have a bit more of that?
Yeah, absolutely. - I know it's not beer.
But I'm getting used to it.
Now, if I start to wobble when the plane's actually still...
Ladies and gentlemen,
as we're about to begin our descent
into Los Angeles Airport,
would you please make sure your tray tables are stowed
and that your safety belts are fastened.
I didn't know it was gonna be this cold.
This is freezing. Must be about five degrees or something.
Oh, thanks. You right? I can grab that if you want.
Oh, I'll take it. - It's got a bit of weight in that.
Watch that. So, are you a real cowboy, are you, mate?
I'm afraid not. To tell you the truth, I'm from New York.
Oh... I'm Kenny, mate, anyway. - I'm Bobby.
You're on the wrong side of the car here.
So, where are you headed?
I'm going to the... Well, I'm at the poo convention.
Alright. You know where that is?
Yeah. Yeah, I do. I do.
Actually, it's been pretty busy with these gentlemen.
There must be an awful lot of money in crap, huh?
Yeah, well...
Yeah, well, to be quite honest, there's a shitload of it.
You've probably been doing
some business for us this morning.
I can't get over the size of this place, Bobby.
There aren't many cowboys in Nashville.
It's about the music industry.
There's no ranches, there's no cattle, there's no sheep.
Yeah, right. - You know?
Look at that city.
I got this notice the other day.
Now, down at the Nashville Convention Center,
today and for the next couple of days,
we've got the world international
Pumper and Cleaner Show.
Now, they've actually been kind enough
to send us four tickets,
and we'll be taking your calls soon
and I'm going to give away these tickets to the people...
Well, mate, Bobby, I gotta tell you,
you're a real cowboy to me, mate.
Oh, well, thank you, thank you. - You're the real deal.
And there's my card too, Bob,
if ever you need to get a hold of me for whatever reason.
Alright, enjoy, you know, the shit-flinging convention.
Thanks, mate. I will. - Have a good time.
Look after yourself, Bob. Alright.
See youse, mate. - Have a good night.
Oh, Jesus.
You see the snow?
That's... quite pretty.
Good on 'em.
Yep, yep, yep, yep.
You know, the most exciting time for me
when I was a kid growing up
was once a year, Dad would take us
to the Royal Melbourne Show in the city
to see all the tractors and the animals and whatnot.
I never thought I'd feel that way again.
Who was to know I would end up
in the land of bloody flags and anthems
at a toilet expo, Poo HQ?
Jesus Christ.
Oh, yes.
Look at that girl there.
Now, that would be a dream.
"Working today for a cleaner tomorrow."
See, they've even got pride in their slogans.
And look, they're driving a Kenworth.
I mean, forget the kids.
If I saw this go on the road, I'd be impressed.
How you going? Kenny from Australia.
Good, Larry. - You're from Australia?
You seen the name? It's Ameri-Can.
Eh?
So that's all hydraulically lifted?
It's all hydraulic.
When we get ready to move the trailer,
we go in and push a couple of buttons
and that lifts right up.
You could eat your dinner off that.
"Scotty's Potties."
There's also John's Johns.
There's a company in Australia called "Henry the Turd".
Henry the Turd? - Henry the Turd.
Oh, my God.
Have you been downstairs?
Downstairs? Oh, still?
Well, this joint is like an expo lasagne -
there's layers and layers.
I'm serious. - Oh, yeah?
So it's the same... Well, I'm going down there now.
If you want, you can follow me, it's right underneath us.
Do you wanna follow...? Yeah, grab your mates.
'Cause I'm walking down there anyway.
How are you going, mate?
Kenny from Australia. Hey, mate.
So, what brings you guys here? What brings you...?
We're having the World Expo next year,
and just looking for the luxury toilets for that event.
Oh, OK, like with all the good taps, all the good basins
and the televisions, and all that sort of...
Televisions?
Yeah, well, obviously all the good stuff you want in it.
Whatever you're looking for, you'll find it here, mate.
They've got everything. Right.
That's fantastic.
It's on wheels. Fits in a freight elevator.
You can be taking a... going to the bathroom,
and the guy can be pissing in the back.
Oh, look at this. You can be taking a piss.
While watching the other guy taking a shit.
What you doing down there?
You guys have a convention like this in Australia?
No, mate, we got nothing. Not like this.
If you're talking about beer,
there's a convention every afternoon.
I see, they've got a spring that goes into the...
How do they get that to go in...?
Who?! Why?
Why?!
When?!
Why?!
That was great!
Wow!
Ladies and gentlemen, Robin Crow.
Thank you.
That was all very impressive, wasn't it?
Very... very advanced, I thought, the information.
Very futuristic.
He was talking about the 'aloominum' pipes,
at one point.
I spent that long trying to figure out
what 'aloominum' was
that I missed out what the point was of fixing the pipe,
but some good information there, I think.
I think I'll be able to use some of that in dealing with people.
And I got a certificate,
attendance recognition certificate.
It's not bad, is it?
Yes, could I be put through to room 176, please?
Yeah, Jackie, it's Kenny.
Yeah, good.
Yes.
Yeah, on... on the card?
Yes.
Yourself?
Oh, fantastic.
How long for?
Yeah, love to!
Yeah, well, I've only just come into my room
so I've just gotta spruce meself up
with a bit of cut and polish.
There's a couple of hours in that!
What's that? On a horse?
Oh, OK. Yeah.
Alright, well, I'll see you in... at the Wildhorse.
Well, this is definitely it.
That's the Wildhorse. I just asked the security bloke.
This all feels a bit... bit silly.
I mean, I've got nothing to wear.
I didn't know we were gonna be going out.
This is a dance club or something.
They do linedancing or something in there.
And, you know, I...
...I can't help but think she thinks I'm rich.
You know, she met me in business class, you know.
She probably thinks I'm loaded.
And it was all because I'm bloody sitting in Glenn's seat.
I'm filling in for him.
Anyway, I promised I'd meet her.
Whoops! Here's our chance.
That's fantastic.
You know that guy Randy Travis, the singer?
Yeah, yeah, the country singer, yeah.
He started as a dishwasher here
and his first pay cheque is in a frame on that wall.
Oh, you're kidding! Nuh.
Isn't that fantastic? It's amazing.
And Gorbachev, he was here.
He was a country singer? - No, he's not a country singer!
Oh, he's the guy from Russia. I know.
But all sorts of people, all sorts of country...
If you stay here long enough... - You get to see them.
It's a different world, isn't it? It's a different place.
Look at the size of these ribs! - It's huge!
No wonder they know what they're doing with their toilets.
Look at the size of that.
They must give their toilets a flogging over here.
That's why they're experts in it.
I'm sorry - I just realized I always talk about
working with toilets and poo and stuff
and it's only because it's what I do.
No, that's fine. - I'm used to it.
Don't worry. Don't worry, it's fine.
I mean, I do the same thing, you know?
What? You don't...
I do the same thing, but 30,000 feet up in the air.
You have to clean the toilets? Yeah.
Really? Yeah, absolutely.
This guy in first class had gone to the bathroom,
flushed the toilet,
put the vacuum - I don't know, for whatever reason -
reverse cycled.
He came out covered head to toe.
Oh, you're kidding. No.
It's alright.
Hello?
Oh, hello.
I mean, if you can't control him from the lounge room,
how am I supposed to do it from Nashville, Tennessee?
Yeah, well... Well, pop him on the phone.
G'day, mate.
It's my boy.
How you doing?
I'm good, mate. I'm fantastic.
And a what?
Yeah, well, you might want to just hold it there, mate,
'cause that's a fair bit.
I don't know if I'll fit it on the plane.
We'll have to hire another plane!
Yeah, and behave yourself, will you?
Don't... Don't upset your mum too much.
Alright. Love you, mate.
That's me ex-wife that rung me up.
She's something else.
She is the chief commissioner and senior sergeant
of the fun police.
She's here to outlaw fun altogether. There's your pad.
Thanks for that. - Thank you.
Every time, every time without fail
that I'm having a good time, or I'm enjoying myself,
or I'm not at work and I'm just calming down,
or like I'm here, she rings.
Well, glad you're having a good time.
I am having a good time. - Yeah.
Don't say that out loud 'cause she'll ring again.
She knows.
Now, I've got a small confession to make.
Oh, really?
Yeah, a bit of an apology or a confession.
I'd never been on an aeroplane or seen the toilets on them
so I wanted to know how it worked.
So I pulled the lid off the back of it
and I left one of the clips off.
Are you serious?
And I didn't put the thing back on.
So, sorry.
It's working now, isn't it?
I got it fixed, didn't I? - Yeah, it's fine, it's fine.
Anyway, let's not... - Oh, God.
It works now. You should eat. - Yeah, I will.
Before your meal gets warm,
and I should before mine gets cold.
Look at the size of this thing.
No wonder there's no longer dinosaurs on the earth.
They've killed the last one. Here it is on me plate!
There you go, Jackie. Watch the gutter there.
Watch your step. You right? - Oh, thanks, Kenny.
Just watch it there, Jackie. - Thank you.
Don't slip over. I'd hate that. - Ooh!
Alright, well, I'll see you later, then.
Oh, thanks. Hey, listen, do you want a lift? It's pouring rain.
No, it's fine, I'm only just... - I'll take you somewhere.
No, I'm only a couple of blocks from here.
I don't mind walking.
Are you sure? - Yeah, I love the rain.
I honestly do. - You're crazy.
I'll see you later. - Hey, listen.
You know, I've got tomorrow off
so maybe I could help you shop for your son.
Yeah. - I could show you Nashville.
Alright, well, I've got a deal for you.
You show me round Nashville
and I'll show you round the expo
so you can see what I do for a job.
OK, that's a good deal. - Wanna do that?
I'd love to. - Oh, that'd be great.
Well, we'll meet, say, 9:30 at the front, yeah?
Yep, 9:30 at the front. - Alright.
OK. - That's perfect.
Put your belt on. You'll get yourself in trouble. You right?
She's a nice girl, isn't she?
Looks like I'm gonna have half a day off!
Which would be good.
Good on her.
You know, it must be very difficult for Jackie
to do a job like she does,
you know, flying around in the air
in a tube full of strangers,
lob in countries with people you don't know.
You know, it sounds very glamorous but I'm sure it's not.
You know, and even I've found since I've been over here
that you see things that make about as much sense
as a nun at a rock concert, you know.
And sometimes you just want to turn to someone from home
and say, "Did you understand what he's talking about?"
I mean, has someone rung the Queen
and let her know what they're doing with her language?
Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together for the next bullfighter!
This is the way we do it in Nashville, Tennessee...
There you go. - Ooh. Look at this guy.
...show up, drink shots and have fun.
Hey.
I reckon I know who that guy is.
Serious. I met him yesterday.
Like, he's not a mate.
I met him. He's a Japanese businessman.
Go, boy! Hee-hoo!
You would not get me on that thing
for all the money in China.
Or Japan.
20! Whoa! Whoa, there!
Mate, you looked fantastic in there. That was a pretty big fall.
You looked like the bloody Sushi Cowboy
up there on the bull.
Sushi Cowboy. - Sushi Cowboy.
It's not that great, man.
Where's all your mates? Where's all your buddies?
Oh, they're at Hooters, you know, with the big, big...
Oh, hello. Bing bong. Yes.
But you guys go ahead, so...
I go back to the hotel.
Oh, there's no need for you to go back to the hotel, mate.
Don't let a bloody sore leg and a bad back stand in the way
of a good night.
You can stay with us, if you want. We've got no plans.
What do you want to do?
Give it up for the Sushi Cowboy!
Hello, Nashville! Sushi Cowboy!
He's had a pretty big night, hasn't he?
He sure has. His bull-riding days are over.
What time do you fly out tomorrow?
3:30.
Oh, OK, so pretty early. Yeah.
Sorry, I'll get your lift.
Well, thanks for inviting me out tonight.
I had a ball, Jackie, I real...
Did you? - I honestly did. I did.
Oh, good. I'm glad you came. It was fun.
Yeah, so am I. Here's your lift. - Oh, thanks.
Well, um, do you want to go up to the bar?
I... A drink or something?
I'd love to, Jackie, but I really should...
I mean, the bar's open for another hour.
Yeah, I would, but the meter's running
and I better get the Sushi Cowboy back home safe.
He's off with the fairies, so... - OK.
But, look, tomorrow, if you're free tomorrow,
I'd love to see you before you go.
That would be great.
Have a coffee at the bar at midday?
I'd love that.
That'd be really fun. - Well, I'll come back tomorrow.
OK. Yeah? Just watch out.
That lift is gonna snap you like a twig if it closes on your chest.
OK.
You're right to get to your room?
Yeah. - Alright.
Well, thanks for a good night. I had fun.
OK. 'Night. - Alright. Take care, Jackie.
'Bye, Kenny. - See you. 'Bye.
Yeah, mate, that goes into Ned Kelly's helmet there.
Right. - Oh. Right, I see.
There you go. You're in now. Good.
Thanks for a great night, mate. - Thank you very much.
I'm really sorry to mess up the night.
No, you didn't mess it up. - You and your lady.
I'm sorry. - No, it's all good.
But I had a good time.
Thank you. - Me too. See you at the expo.
Maybe tomorrow morning...
...tomorrow morning you could show me
where the TV toilets are.
Oh, I don't know if they've got any here.
Well, I mentioned them because we make them.
You make them? - Yeah.
Oh, really? - Fair dinkum.
Yeah, Glenn, it's me.
Yeah, look, I've gotta be quick.
I'm in a meeting with some Japanese gentlemen
that I've met here at the expo
and what they wanted to do is get a quote
on buying some of our 20-foot combo units,
the VIP 20-foot blocks with the televisions in them.
But they want a price on them really quickly
to buy about six or seven units,
as in the full blocks.
Yep. Hang on a sec, Glenn.
67. - What?
It's not "six or seven", it's sixty-seven.
Sixty-sev... You're shitting me, aren't you?
No, serious. - 67... - 67 full 20-foot blocks?
Units. Units.
They want 67 of them.
No, he's as serious as a heart attack.
No, I'm here with him now.
Also, we'd like to get a price. - A price.
In one hour. - One hour. In an hour.
No, he's fair dinkum.
Yeah, 67 units, but we need the price in an hour.
And Mr. Sato is coming. - Yeah, I know.
I know I called him, you know, a freaked-out bastard,
but he's a bastard to me only, not to you.
Right.
See? So just speak to him directly.
Right, talk to him. - Into his eyes.
OK. - You talk to him.
And I will translate because he doesn't speak any English.
He doesn't speak any English? - No, no, no.
So just speak to him and I'll translate.
Oh, you'll translate. I know what you're saying.
Be yourself. - Yeah, I will.
Hang on a tick.
Answer this. - Yeah, I will, yeah.
This could be Glenn now. - Oh, yeah, check the price.
Yeah, I will, absolutely. Hello? Glenn?
Sorry, Takashi.
I can't hear you, mate. Speak up.
Oh, g'day, mate. Yeah, good.
Look, Dave, I can't talk now, mate.
I'm in the mid... Yeah, hang on, I'm in the middle of a... Yep.
When did that happen?
Yeah.
Well, is he...? Are you with him now? Is he alright?
Right.
Well, what do the doctors say? What do...?
Well, yeah, hang on, don't...
Well, can you ring me straight back
when you've spoken to the doctors?
Yeah. Alright, yeah, but ring me back so I... Yeah.
Everything's alright. Take care of your dad, you know.
Yeah. - I'll speak with Glenn.
Yeah, you can speak to him? - Oh, yeah.
I'm so sorry, mate. - That's... That's alright.
Alright, mate, well, I'll speak to you
when I get back to Australia.
Right. - Alright, thank you.
See you, mate.
Better get my belt on. See you!
Just to the airport, mate.
The international.
Yeah, well, I'm supposed to be meeting her at the bar.
Well, she's an airline steward
so she'll be dressed in a uniform.
Well... Yeah, well, I actually don't know her surname.
My father's very ill, so I... Actually, don't tell her that,
Just tell her I'm really, really sorry that I can't make it.
He's stable. His obs are looking good.
The doctor should be in to talk to you in a bit, but he's, um...
See, he's medicated at the moment
and obviously exhausted
but he's not in any pain.
He's on a list for an operation on Tuesday morning.
OK. - So you can come back in...
When I rang the hospital
they said it was a bleeding ulcer or something.
And so that's all it is?
If you're gonna talk about me, at least talk to me.
I'm awake. I'm not bloody dead, you know.
How are you, mate? - Oh, how do you reckon I am?
Stuck in this shithole.
Where...? Where have you been?
I got here as soon as I could.
I've come straight from the airport.
Am I in your way here? - No.
Ah. I mean, 70 years of age, and wouldn't you know,
these pretty little things like this girl here walking round
and I've been saddled with Daisy here.
Bloody tailgater.
He's a nurse, Dad.
You haven't used your pan. - I don't intend to use it, either.
There's no way known I'm gonna use that.
You can shove it up your own arse. I'm not putting it up mine.
Before you get discharged tomorrow,
before your operation,
we need a stool to test whether or not there's blood.
I'll give you one. I'll give you a sample.
I'll give you one there
that Jack O'Toole wouldn't chop through,
but I'm not doing it in that.
It's really quite simple. See this?
Might be simple for you. - See that?
It'd be like trying to put marshmallow into a moneybox.
Now, I'm not gonna use it. I'm telling you, son!
Alright, well, is it... is he OK to go to the toilet if I take him?
Uh, if he would rather do that,
then, yeah, sure, I can organize that.
But it's... I need the stool in this tray.
OK. Alright. I'll be back in a bit.
Nightmare, this. - Yeah, well, it's not...
Don't be having a go at him. He's the one looking after you.
Yeah, he's the one. I'd rather HER look after me.
Yeah, well, it doesn't... Look at her. Jesus Christ!
He wants me to bend over in front of him.
Have you seen him?
It's not that he wants to see your backside or something.
They need to get your stool sample, your poo sample.
Christ Almighty, I'm too old for this shit.
Bloody whinge. That's all I get all day.
Whinge, whinge, whinge. - Yeah.
Oh, get back on your camel.
Is that that bloody bastard going again over there?
Must have disorder, mate.
Alright, you br... ba... bananas
or whatever you're bloody talking about.
Dad. Dad. - What?
This is not the place for it, Dad. It's a hospital.
Now, keep your voice down. They're sick too, alright?
Keep my voice down. - Yeah, well, don't...
Supposed to be a bloody farmer. He's got about 17 kids.
He hasn't had too much time picking tomatoes,
I can tell you that.
Dad, they're sick too, so have a bit of respect, alright?
Yeah, alright. - Just a bit of respect.
Get all the nurses and we'll move all this.
Bloody tubes up me nose and up me arse.
Now they want bloody stools.
A man hasn't had anything to eat.
I'm as thin as a bloody rake.
You can smell the shit through me ribs.
They should take a sample there.
Nurse, that's the sample for Mr. Smyth.
Right. Great, thanks. Alright, thanks.
You can't get this medication for him.
He's got to get it himself.
He's gotta get it himself? OK. - Yeah, it's very important.
That's not... not today. I want to go today.
No tomorrow. Forget tomorrow. Today!
No, we've gotta leave you here on all the gear for the night
to keep a monitor on you,
and then the operation is next week.
The operation is next week? What operation?
They've got you on a schedule next week.
The operation on your bloody stomach!
No operation.
I'm not having an operation, especially not in here.
You only hear about the success rate, son,
you don't hear about their failures,
about people getting crook a week after an operation,
them opening them up when it's too late
and they've got a bloody cutlery set
or scissors inside them
that are left inside them by people that are incompetent.
Dad, you've gotta have the operation.
If you don't have the operation,
there really will be some trouble.
Dad, you have to have the operation.
You can't say no to that.
Oh, we'll worry about that when it's supposed to happen,
but today, I'm going out today, son.
No, well, Dad, you can't go out today,
but, look, you've only got one more night here
and, uh... and we'll get you out of here
and I'll come back tomorrow and I'll pick you up...
Wait on, wait on, where are you going, boy?
Don't... You're not going.
Christ, you're not going. You...
And as far as me going home to my place or your place
or anyone's, that's not on.
I want you to ring your brother and ring him now.
There's a couple of things we've gotta sort out
in our family before I shuffle off.
I'm telling you now. But don't you leave me in here to rot.
Alright, Dad. - Leave me in a place like this.
You may as well leave me in the bloody morgue.
They'll carry me out of here feet first
if you leave me in here.
Alright.
Wouldn't do that to a dog, let alone your father.
I'll go and ring him now. - Go and ring him now.
I'll be back. - You make sure you come back.
Make sure of it. - I will, Dad.
Don't leave me here. - I won't. I'll be back.
Jesus Christ. This is bloody ridiculous.
Why didn't we bring your car instead of this bloody thing.
I'm jammed in here as tight as a fish's arse.
Well, Dad, the toilet wasn't gonna fit in my car,
and it sure as hell wasn't gonna fit in Dave's Mercedes.
I was only thinking of you.
I brought the truck so I could bring you a real toilet,
so you didn't have to dig a hole to have a shit.
Now, see? That makes no sense whatsoever.
You'll know the front from the back.
The front will have a door in it, you dickhead.
Next time youse come up with an idea like this,
give me a bit of notice so I can slash me wrists.
Just relax. Alright. I'll tell you what.
All I want from you pair of buffalo-headed bastards
on this trip
is for us to see the sun come up,
and be there when the sun goes down.
In between times, please yourself,
but keep out of my bloody hair.
But just get that up so a man can have
somewhere to doss off tonight, for Christ's sake.
It'll be up any second, Dad.
He's asleep, isn't he?
Uh... yeah.
Look at him. - He looks peaceful.
He looks terrifying. - No, he doesn't.
He looks peaceful.
Oh, get out. Jesus.
Absolute fuckin' frog shit, and you know it.
I mean, the bastard's not gonna die.
Jesus Christ. He's gonna outlive both of us.
He's like a rhino.
Is this really that tough for you, is it, Dave -
spending, you know, one night together,
just you, me and Dad?
What? You want to wait until he actually is dying?
Or until he's dead and can't do this?
And you know damn well why we've come out here.
You know damn well. This is where he used to bring Mum.
Mum's been dead a long time now,
but, look, a death in the family
has different effects on different people.
For some families, it brings them closer together.
But for other families, you know, like our circus,
it's Christmas cards at 20 paces.
While I've got you two fellas here,
I want to talk to you about something.
When I cark it, I don't want any flash funeral.
Something nice and simple - get on with it.
If either of you two blokes want to say a couple of words,
well, that's up to you.
You can sort that out after I've gone.
Just get it over with.
Tell 'em to light up the Bunsen burner
and push her into the oven and get her going.
And for Christ's sake, one other thing.
Don't let your Uncle Terry get involved,
because he'll balls it up,
like he did at your grandmother's funeral.
So keep him right out of it altogether.
- What the bloody hell is it? - I don't know.
Could be a bloody bunch of hoons
spotlight shooting out there.
For Christ's sake.
Where the hell are you?
Jesus. What the bloody hell would that be doing here?
It's for me. I'll see you guys later. I've had a gutful of this.
What's up with him? - I have no idea.
Jesus, AI, what took you so long?
I've been looking for you everywhere.
I couldn't find you.
Well, I'll be buggered.
Well, you know what they say, son.
It's an old saying.
"The chef always ruins his first batch of scones."
And there goes my first burnt offering there.
He's as useless as tits on a bull.
Maybe he had to go back to work
for an important meeting or...
Kenny, you've gotta stop doing that, boy.
The trouble is with you, son,
you've been... walking in his shadow for so long.
Don't you realize, if you take a step to the side,
you'll cast a shadow of your own?
Let some other bastard walk in yours for a change.
Wake up to yourself, for Christ's sake.
I'm going to bed.
Dad?
Yeah, what is it?
I've... I've been offered a promotion.
You've been offered a what? - A promotion.
Glenn said he was impressed with
the sale I did to the Japanese in America,
and he's asked me to run the office in Sydney.
Well, that's good.
When do you kick off? When do you start her?
Oh, I haven't said yes yet. I'm trying to make my mind up.
What do you mean? Why haven't you said yes yet?
Well, you know, I've gotta decide
whether I want to be off the road, you know,
and I've been working with the crew in Melbourne
for a long while, Dad.
Yeah, but what do you want to do?
Do you want to be a crap crawler all your life?
This is your chance for you to get out of the shit.
But I don't know if I'm cut out for just a desk job.
Well, you'll never know until you give it a try.
Don't you realize in this world
that people don't look up to you until you're sitting down?
Take the desk job.
I actually don't want to be away from the boy, Dad.
I don't want to be away from Jesse.
I know you've got Jesse.
Of course I know you've got Jesse.
And you've got a great relationship with him too.
But do you think when he's 16
he'll want you to be driving him to school in the crap cart?
You're gonna do your same old caper, are you?
Take a backward step and let everyone stand all over you?
I just need a bit of time to think about it.
Glenn doesn't want an answer for a few days yet.
So I've just gotta get through the Melbourne Cup,
and once I've survived that...
Survive the Melbourne Cup.
The Melbourne Cup's been survived for 200 years.
But, anyway, you run your own race.
Just put that bloody light off, will you?
I've gotta get a bit of sleep.
Goodnight, Dad. - Goodnight, son.
What's going on here?
Just hang on a sec.
G'day, mate. - Hello.
You're up early. How are you? - Good.
Didn't expect to see you.
Just go and sit up on the fork.
G'day.
What are you doing here? - I'm a bit early.
A bit early? You're four days early. I said Saturday.
This has been organized for a month, Kenny.
Today is Melbourne Cup.
You can't leave him... you can't leave him with me today.
I can't... You wrote it down.
Didn't you write it down, for God's sake?
I wrote down 'Saturday'. - You wrote down 'Saturday'?
You're an arsehole, Kenny.
Oh, g'day, Julie. How's Bill?
None of your bloody business. - Fair enough.
Kenny, you're having him.
This is unbelievable.
Wave goodbye to your mother and Julie.
You right? - Yeah.
Good to see you, mate.
I wasn't expecting to see you today.
Well, as you know, today is, without a doubt,
the busiest day on our calendar.
And, unfortunately, this year we're two men down.
So, we've got 116 units here today,
and today there's gonna be over 150-odd thousand people
crammed in here.
So, today, I'm gonna have to ask for 273% out of youse.
But we're gonna get flogged today.
We're gonna be busier than
a one-armed bricklayer in Baghdad.
We're gonna have to make sure we all put in.
There you go. Now you're one of the team.
Two rolls, mate. Excellent.
They haven't given us much room
to turn around, have they?
No.
You alright, Jess? Thanks, mate.
Is he coming up there?
No, mate, he's going out the back now.
He's gotta do one more unit.
We'll call that one done, mate.
What do you say? It looks alright, doesn't it?
If you grab that trolley...
Really and truly, have you got this child here cleaning toilets?
Oh, no, he's not any kid. That's my son.
What's he doing cleaning toilets?
This is no place for a child to be around
the toilets at a public racecourse.
It's a disgrace. - I'm sorry you feel like that.
He should not have... What sort of diseases could he get?
That's disgusting. Sorry you feel that way.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
You right, mate? Grab it from the handle, mate.
But I want to stay with you.
I know that, mate. I'd love to have you with me.
But we might get a few less complaints that way.
I might just get you...
Look, you'll be right here. Look, prop yourself up here.
Here's... Open these up.
And, I don't know, make a little poo ticket castle or something.
Hayley will give you a pen or something to draw with, right?
I won't be long, mate. I won't be a tick.
Hello?
Oh, g'day, Dad. What's wrong?
Well, you don't have to worry about what it's...
It's not gonna feel like anything.
You're gonna be asleep.
I've told you a hundred times, it's a simple op.
What, do you reckon they get you to handle the instruments?
You're asleep during the whole thing, Dad.
What's wrong?
Well, we've got a ruptured hose at the back of this unit...
Yeah.
...and a lot of piss coming out of it.
We've got people walking through it.
Well, just cut the hose beside it so that water's coming out.
People won't know the difference.
But these are $100 shoes.
I nearly fell over and I've ruined my shoes.
Well, they seem to be alright now, love.
This is not good.
Pump out the poo!
You're right, Thommo.
G'day, mate.
Where's Jesse?
He went after you.
What do you mean he went after me?
He said he knew where you were.
He was going to meet you.
He's what? - Gone to meet you for lunch.
He hasn't gone looking for me out there?
Yeah, he went to meet you.
Hayley, there's 120,000 people. He was supposed to stay here.
Um... Oh, Jesus!
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Yes... Oh...
Dad, I haven't got time...
Of course they're gonna come and give you a needle.
That's how they put you to sleep.
Did you think they were gonna read you
a bloody bedtime story?
Will you shut up and listen to me?
I have to go. I've lost the little boy. No, I'll explain later.
He can't be down there.
This is madness.
I don't know how I'm gonna find him in all this.
I mean, look at it. And this joint is enormous.
And I don't know... There's a...
He can't have gone in there. He hasn't got a...
Well, I hope he hasn't gone in there. He hasn't got a pass.
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Jeez, mate, are you alright? - He's right. Get up.
Mate, are you alright? - Yeah, he's alright. Don't worry.
He's alright? - Yeah.
Are you sure he's alright? - Get up.
You're embarrassing me. Them girls will be here shortly.
Oh...
You haven't seen a kid, have you? A small boy?
Haven't seen a little boy, have you? A little kid? No?
Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me. Oh, God.
Oh, there he is. There he is, there.
Where was he? Where did you find him?
The boys found him down near the toilets.
Oh, you were down at the toilet? You're a smart boy.
I didn't even think of looking there.
I should've known, shouldn't I?
I've got you back and I won't lose you again, eh?
Mmm.
I was worried, mate, eh?
Stay asleep. You're right.
Oh, my God.
Oh...
It's open! Come on! Come on!
You know, when people look embarrassed or ashamed
at what I do,
I don't try and convince them otherwise.
I don't try and beautify the job that I do
or make it sound better.
I mean, if they've got a problem with what I do
then it's their problem.
They've got the problem, not me.
I was drunk at a party once,
and I don't normally snap at people,
but I had a woman say to me when I told her what I did,
she said, "How disgusting!
"I don't want to hear about that."
And I said, "Well, how about you go out in protest
"and never have a crap again, lady, see how long you last."
Hey, matey. Don't park. I'm just about to pull out, mate.
You're not gonna park here, are you?
I'll just be a minute.
Just gonna be a minute.
Well, he would've come out of surgery about an hour ago.
Yes, Smyth. S-M-Y-T-H.
Dad? How are you?
Yeah, how you feeling?
I don't think I've ever thought about doing another job.
Plumbing is all I've ever known.
You know, I'd love to have flown an aeroplane,
I'd love to... I don't know, write great music,
but I guess, they're like everyone, they're dreams,
but I don't think I've ever been envious of anyone else
'cause this is the life I've got.
Alright, well, I'll see you in the morning, OK?
First thing.
Alright. I love you, Dad. Yep.
Yeah, I know. Alright, well, I'll see you in the morning.
OK. 'Bye.
Hey, mate.
Do you want to move your car now?
Yeah, mate, I said I'd move it. It's alright.
Can we move it now? - No, we can do it later.
I want to get going home, mate.
Relax. Alright? Relax.
I said I wouldn't be long, alright?
No, well, can you move it now?
No, don't worry about it. Alright?
It's alright. I told you.
I told you I'll be out, alright? Relax, alright? No worries.
Let it go.
No, you're absolutely right.
Sorry, I've had a bit of a bad day. You take your time.
No worries.
He's, uh... he's absolutely right.
Just, uh... relax and let it go.
Let it go.
Oh... hello.
Relaxing and, uh... letting it go.
Yeah, no worries. Alright.
Shall we say 1,500 people?
Or 1,400? 1,500's fine, yeah.
And are you serving any food?
Is there any curries or spicy foods or...?
Hey, mate, can you...
Can I call you back in 15 minutes?
Yeah, that'd be great. Sorry.
Yeah, thanks. Alright, mate. Thanks.
This is all the latest thing, this.
I've been told by a few mates whether I've seen these things.
It's all computerized and everything.
Abracadabra, have a look at that!
This is... This is exciting.
I know this sounds a bit crazy,
but I've been looking forward to this.
Have a look at this. That's like a ride at the show.
You're kidding me. Look at this.
All the poo tickets come out like a fax machine.
Look at that. Water. Hand-dryer.
That's all automated.
This is fant... I've gotta have a go at this.
I'll, um... I'll shut the door shut now, so I'll, uh...
Music! Gee, you're kidding me.
Space-age technology.
It's made its way into everything.
Good luck, mate. Yep.
Mention my name, you'll get a good seat.
There you go. That's the future, eh?
You know, I've often wondered how different my life would be
if shit didn't stink.
You know, if it smelt nice
like flowers or potpourri, you know?
You know, imagine, then you'd be able to go
to someone's house
and say, "I'd like to use your crapper."
And they'd be like, "Oh, fantastic.
"Last time you were over here, oooh, sensational!
"What was that smell, Ken? Lavender?"
But it's... it's not gonna happen
'cause it doesn't smell like lavender,
it smells like shit.
That's exactly what it smells like.
And I have a feeling it's always gonna smell like that.