1
00:00:27,152 --> 00:00:29,570
MAN: Testing.
Testing, testing.
2
00:00:36,244 --> 00:00:37,995
One, two, three.
3
00:00:38,455 --> 00:00:40,456
(LYNYRD SKYNYRD'S
SWEET HOME ALABAMA PLAYING)
4
00:00:41,916 --> 00:00:43,167
Turn it up.
5
00:00:51,801 --> 00:00:52,926
Whoo!
6
00:00:54,220 --> 00:00:56,680
♪ Big wheels keep on turning
7
00:00:58,975 --> 00:01:01,018
♪ Carry me home to see my kin
8
00:01:03,813 --> 00:01:06,065
♪ Singing songs about
the Southland ♪
9
00:01:06,149 --> 00:01:08,484
(WOMEN SHOUTING)
Dang! Whoo!
10
00:01:08,568 --> 00:01:10,486
♪ I miss Alabamy once again
And I think it's a sin, yes ♪
11
00:01:10,570 --> 00:01:12,946
That's what I'm talkin'
about. LA!
12
00:01:17,368 --> 00:01:19,036
(TIRES SCREECHING)
13
00:01:20,497 --> 00:01:21,914
Hold up. Ho.
14
00:01:23,583 --> 00:01:24,792
GUARD: Radio station I. D.
15
00:01:25,543 --> 00:01:26,710
Coming to work.
16
00:01:27,253 --> 00:01:28,545
Joe Dirte.
17
00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:32,174
Don't try and church it up,
son. Don't you mean Joe Dirt?
18
00:01:32,467 --> 00:01:35,344
Naming you that, your daddy
must've really hated you.
19
00:01:35,470 --> 00:01:39,556
You're wrong, brother. I got a
good name for this car. Rusty.
20
00:01:39,974 --> 00:01:41,850
Shit'll buff out.
Don't bother.
21
00:01:42,185 --> 00:01:46,021
Jeez, drive this piece of crap
off a cliff. Do us all a favor.
22
00:01:46,272 --> 00:01:48,148
This look like a piece of crap
to you?
23
00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:51,527
You like them spinning tires,
do you?
24
00:01:53,363 --> 00:01:55,030
You suck!
You do!
25
00:02:04,332 --> 00:02:06,208
Did he hurt you, baby?
26
00:02:07,418 --> 00:02:09,419
(LAUGHING)
27
00:02:10,213 --> 00:02:12,131
People like
that security guard,
28
00:02:12,215 --> 00:02:13,924
they don't really mean
what they say.
29
00:02:14,008 --> 00:02:16,343
They just got their own
issues and whatnot.
30
00:02:16,427 --> 00:02:18,637
All's I got to do is keep
being a good person.
31
00:02:19,013 --> 00:02:21,265
No matter what,
good things'll come my way.
32
00:02:22,016 --> 00:02:23,475
Everything's gonna
happen for me,
33
00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,352
just as long as I never
have "no" in my heart.
34
00:02:25,436 --> 00:02:29,690
(TOILET FLUSHES) Can't a guy
even take a dump in peace? Psycho.
35
00:02:31,234 --> 00:02:32,234
Right on.
36
00:02:33,027 --> 00:02:36,280
Things are gonna happen
for me. I'm Joe Dirt!
37
00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:43,370
I think I'm gonna go to the
restroom and take a big Joe.
38
00:02:43,454 --> 00:02:44,454
(CHUCKLES)
39
00:02:44,539 --> 00:02:47,249
Don't forget to wipe
your dirt. (LAUGHING)
40
00:02:48,418 --> 00:02:49,918
You boys got something
to say to me?
41
00:02:50,211 --> 00:02:51,837
Why don't
you talk in the microphone?
42
00:02:51,921 --> 00:02:53,338
I got a backup mic
right here.
43
00:02:54,215 --> 00:02:56,383
Check, one, two.
Testing, testing.
44
00:02:56,467 --> 00:02:58,177
Yeah, they're both working,
and guess what?
45
00:02:58,261 --> 00:02:59,761
They don't like no feedback.
What's up?
46
00:03:00,638 --> 00:03:01,722
(GRUNTS)
47
00:03:04,309 --> 00:03:06,351
What's going on out here?
You got to keep it down.
48
00:03:06,436 --> 00:03:08,270
Zander Kelly's on the air.
49
00:03:08,354 --> 00:03:11,106
Whoa. What's the deal
with your haircut?
50
00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:12,858
I'm sorry about the noise,
sir.
51
00:03:12,942 --> 00:03:15,194
Um, this ain't no haircut.
This is a wig.
52
00:03:15,278 --> 00:03:16,528
A wig?
53
00:03:16,613 --> 00:03:18,906
Look at you. Jesus.
54
00:03:19,365 --> 00:03:21,575
You know what? I got
somebody I want you to meet.
55
00:03:21,659 --> 00:03:23,785
Why don't you come with me?
Come on.
56
00:03:25,330 --> 00:03:26,872
MAN ON RADIO: Yeah,
that's what I thought.
57
00:03:26,956 --> 00:03:30,417
This is Zander Kelly. You're
listening to 98.6, KXLA.
58
00:03:30,501 --> 00:03:33,212
All aberration radio,
all the time.
59
00:03:33,296 --> 00:03:35,505
Hey, Zander, Zander,
you got to see this guy.
60
00:03:35,590 --> 00:03:38,425
God almighty.
Manna from inbred heaven.
61
00:03:38,509 --> 00:03:42,554
Hey, freak boy. 1976 called,
it wants its hairstyle back.
62
00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:45,182
Zander, get this. This
is a wig. It's a wig?
63
00:03:45,266 --> 00:03:46,516
What are you
wearing a wig for?
64
00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:49,186
What are you doing, stunt work
for Billy Ray Cyrus?
65
00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:53,690
Freddy, go get Free Bird boy here an
all-access laminate for the show in perpetuity.
66
00:03:53,775 --> 00:03:56,151
I'm wringing this chamois
as long as I can.
67
00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:59,988
You are exquisitely pathetic.
What's your name, pal?
68
00:04:00,198 --> 00:04:02,282
Uh, it's Joe Dirt. But if you're
just gonna make fun of me, man,
69
00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:03,659
I'll just go back to mopping.
70
00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:05,619
Sit down, let me take another
tact here.
71
00:04:05,703 --> 00:04:08,497
Mr. Dirt, what's with the wig?
72
00:04:08,581 --> 00:04:12,251
Well, I was born without
the top of my skull,
73
00:04:12,335 --> 00:04:16,255
and I guess a little bit of my brains was
showing. It was grossing everybody out,
74
00:04:16,339 --> 00:04:19,258
so my mom put this wig
on me to cover it up.
75
00:04:19,342 --> 00:04:24,805
And then the bones grew together
and it got all infused and entwined.
76
00:04:24,889 --> 00:04:27,766
I mean, I don't mean to get
all scientific or whatever.
77
00:04:27,850 --> 00:04:29,768
Why didn't your mom
change the wig later?
78
00:04:29,852 --> 00:04:34,856
Actually, we got separated
when I was eight. I got lost.
79
00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:37,109
You trying to tell me you've been
on your own since eight years old?
80
00:04:37,193 --> 00:04:39,861
Pretty much, man.
It's a long story, actually.
81
00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:41,697
Listen to you.
What's the story here?
82
00:04:41,781 --> 00:04:43,782
"I'm a white-trash idiot. "
The end.
83
00:04:44,033 --> 00:04:45,909
Hey, is this where you want to
be when Jesus comes back, man?
84
00:04:45,994 --> 00:04:47,953
Making fun
of poor little Joe Dirt?
85
00:04:48,037 --> 00:04:50,872
Probably, because I'm sure
Yahweh would be chiming in, too.
86
00:04:51,708 --> 00:04:54,459
That's funny, 'cause my mom used to say
that to me if she caught me doing stuff.
87
00:04:54,544 --> 00:04:57,921
Like one time, I was jerkin'
my gherkin. Can I say that?
88
00:04:58,006 --> 00:05:00,966
And she goes, "Is this where you
want to be when Jesus comes back?"
89
00:05:01,050 --> 00:05:04,386
She sounds like a real winner, and it's
amazing to me that you turned out like you did
90
00:05:04,470 --> 00:05:06,305
with that sort of,
uh, mentoring.
91
00:05:06,389 --> 00:05:08,598
Hey, man, I... I can't say
don't make fun of me,
92
00:05:09,058 --> 00:05:10,684
but you really shouldn't
make fun of my mom.
93
00:05:10,768 --> 00:05:13,270
Hey, you guys, you gotta come
hear this guy on the Zander show.
94
00:05:13,354 --> 00:05:16,815
Listen. You're on your own. The
family's ditched you. What happens next?
95
00:05:16,899 --> 00:05:20,402
I mean, do you really care? It's
actually not an easy story to tell.
96
00:05:20,528 --> 00:05:22,362
Hey, I got four hours
a day to fill, man.
97
00:05:22,447 --> 00:05:25,198
It's not often I get a freak
like you plopped into my lap.
98
00:05:25,283 --> 00:05:27,826
Go ahead. I'm a roast.
Baste me.
99
00:05:27,910 --> 00:05:29,244
All right, man.
100
00:05:29,370 --> 00:05:32,622
See, my parents and my sister and
I all went to the Grand Canyon.
101
00:05:32,707 --> 00:05:35,459
And while they was checking out the
sights and the donkeys and whatnot,
102
00:05:35,543 --> 00:05:37,169
I somehow got separated
from 'em.
103
00:05:37,253 --> 00:05:38,587
Easy shot.
104
00:05:38,671 --> 00:05:42,174
Ow! Hey, Dad, look.
It's the good stuff.
105
00:05:42,258 --> 00:05:44,968
None of that pussy
Skoal, right, Dad?
106
00:05:45,678 --> 00:05:46,762
Dad?
107
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,430
Mom!
108
00:05:48,931 --> 00:05:49,973
Dad!
109
00:05:50,058 --> 00:05:52,142
Mom! Dad!
110
00:05:52,435 --> 00:05:53,435
Where are you?
111
00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:55,270
Dad!
112
00:05:56,439 --> 00:05:57,689
Mom!
113
00:05:57,774 --> 00:05:59,608
Where are you?
114
00:06:00,151 --> 00:06:01,943
You can come out now.
115
00:06:02,612 --> 00:06:04,071
(BIRD CAWING)
116
00:06:04,697 --> 00:06:09,201
So there I was. A lot of kids would have
been scared, but I was all tough about it.
117
00:06:09,285 --> 00:06:13,872
I started walkin' till the cops picked
me up and put me into a foster home.
118
00:06:14,290 --> 00:06:16,583
Like this one guy I fostered
out to for about a month,
119
00:06:16,959 --> 00:06:18,668
he'd take me hunting
with him and his dog.
120
00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:20,545
(DUCK QUACKING) I thought
hunting would be, you know,
121
00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:21,797
more fun than it was.
122
00:06:21,881 --> 00:06:22,964
(GUNSHOT)
123
00:06:24,092 --> 00:06:27,886
Now, see, boy? He goes off and fetches
the duck. You see how that works?
124
00:06:27,970 --> 00:06:29,304
Fun, huh?
125
00:06:29,472 --> 00:06:30,806
Yeah!
126
00:06:32,725 --> 00:06:36,144
After that I spent some time with
these people who worked on a farm.
127
00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:39,981
I learned cows don't find
bottle rockets as funny as I do.
128
00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:43,652
(MOOING)
(CHEERING)
129
00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:46,071
Yee-haw! Oh, yeah.
130
00:06:47,615 --> 00:06:48,990
(FARTS)
131
00:06:51,702 --> 00:06:53,328
(FARTS)
(SHOUTS)
132
00:06:53,788 --> 00:06:55,247
(COW MOOS)
133
00:06:55,498 --> 00:06:58,166
Then there was this one old lady,
had me for a couple of weeks.
134
00:06:58,501 --> 00:07:01,378
I don't wanna be unkind, but this
woman was a little off-balance.
135
00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:03,463
You're to be scrubbed clean
before supper,
136
00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:08,218
and that means washed under your
fingernails and back of your ears and
137
00:07:08,302 --> 00:07:10,720
dressed in your Sunday best.
138
00:07:10,805 --> 00:07:15,434
I expect your schoolwork to be done every
night and laid out for my inspection.
139
00:07:15,518 --> 00:07:17,269
Is that clear?
Yes, ma'am.
140
00:07:17,353 --> 00:07:19,396
Uh, can I push him off my leg?
141
00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:22,065
He'll stop humping
as soon as he's done.
142
00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:24,359
(DOG YELPS)
143
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,570
Well, the year was 1982.
144
00:07:26,863 --> 00:07:30,323
I was 11 years old now, and I'd gotten
into a little trouble here and there,
145
00:07:30,408 --> 00:07:32,200
so I was living in
a juvie home for boys,
146
00:07:33,119 --> 00:07:35,871
and I was getting ready to
split that scene, and pronto.
147
00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:38,290
(BOB SEGER'S
RAMBLIN' GAMBLIN' MAN PLAYS)
148
00:07:38,374 --> 00:07:41,418
♪ Ramblin' man Lord, I got
to gamble Gamblin' man ♪
149
00:07:41,502 --> 00:07:44,713
Bob Seger? Be honest. Back then
you were listening to Leif Garrett.
150
00:07:44,881 --> 00:07:46,173
It's probably more like this.
151
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:47,883
(LEIF GARRETT'S I WAS
MADE FOR DANCIN' PLAYS)
152
00:07:47,967 --> 00:07:49,509
♪ I was made for dancin'
153
00:07:49,969 --> 00:07:51,553
♪ I... ♪ (NEEDLE
SCRATCHES ACROSS RECORD)
154
00:07:51,679 --> 00:07:53,555
No, sir, man.
I don't like that crap.
155
00:07:53,639 --> 00:07:55,515
I'm a rocker, dude,
through and through.
156
00:07:55,725 --> 00:08:01,313
Here's my favorite bands. AC/DC, Van
Halen, not Van Hagar, Skynyrd, Def Lepp...
157
00:08:01,397 --> 00:08:05,775
All right. I want you to settle down.
Don't make me call your probie officer here.
158
00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:06,985
And riddle me this...
159
00:08:07,069 --> 00:08:11,573
Other than the fact that you dig
looking like Jane Fonda in Klute,
160
00:08:11,657 --> 00:08:13,992
why don't you cut the wig now?
161
00:08:15,661 --> 00:08:19,164
Well, yeah.
I guess I could do that.
162
00:08:19,248 --> 00:08:22,375
Zander just asked this Joe Dirt guy
why he doesn't cut his wig right now,
163
00:08:22,460 --> 00:08:24,377
and you can tell he's never
thought of it. (LAUGHING)
164
00:08:24,462 --> 00:08:26,838
Now, you know, except for the
ratty 'stache and the pork chops,
165
00:08:26,923 --> 00:08:30,467
you're pretty clean-shaven for a
kid who lives in a trash can, no?
166
00:08:30,551 --> 00:08:34,513
Well, I don't need to shave, 'cause it
don't grow in right here and right here.
167
00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:38,475
Now, you're telling me that you're
so ingrained with white-trash DNA
168
00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:43,271
that your facial hair actually grows in
on its own all white-trashy like that?
169
00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:47,067
Uh, I don't know what you're saying,
but that's what's going on, yeah.
170
00:08:47,568 --> 00:08:51,488
So, back to the story here.
You're on your own...
171
00:08:51,572 --> 00:08:56,993
I'm just kinda campin' out or whatever,
and this goes on for years, until one night
172
00:08:57,078 --> 00:08:58,662
something amazing happened.
173
00:09:02,625 --> 00:09:07,629
Man, a shooting star. I
gotta make a wish. I wish...
174
00:09:08,005 --> 00:09:11,967
I knew what happened that one
day at that Grand Canyon place.
175
00:09:16,597 --> 00:09:18,056
Whoa.
176
00:09:19,767 --> 00:09:21,560
Whoa, whoa.
177
00:09:24,814 --> 00:09:29,442
Whoa. Whoa, it's a meteorite.
Whoa, check it out! That's cool!
178
00:09:29,527 --> 00:09:33,321
Oh, man, look at you. You're probably
made out of some precious metal
179
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:36,408
and everyone's gonna want you,
but you want to be with me!
180
00:09:36,492 --> 00:09:40,078
Right on! You're Joe Meteorite,
and I'm Joe Dirt! Whoo!
181
00:09:43,708 --> 00:09:47,627
Here on Earth, we call
this place a town.
182
00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:51,840
A town is a place where everyone
hates you. Kids all try to beat you up.
183
00:09:51,924 --> 00:09:52,841
Whoa, that's so flat.
184
00:09:53,009 --> 00:09:53,925
Awesome.
185
00:09:54,010 --> 00:09:55,760
This is gonna be awesome.
186
00:09:55,845 --> 00:09:58,388
Holy crap, ladies.
187
00:09:58,472 --> 00:10:02,267
Hey, Junior Dirt Bag. (LAUGHING)
You talkin' to your rock?
188
00:10:02,351 --> 00:10:04,811
It ain't no rock,
it's a meteor, dum-dum.
189
00:10:04,895 --> 00:10:08,273
What did it do, land on your barber's
head while he was cuttin' your hair?
190
00:10:08,357 --> 00:10:10,650
Why don't you go practice falling
down. I'll be there in a minute.
191
00:10:10,735 --> 00:10:13,403
Hey. You wanna fight, you little queer?
192
00:10:13,487 --> 00:10:16,448
Queer? Is this queer?
193
00:10:16,532 --> 00:10:19,200
Are these queer? What's up?
What's up?
194
00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:20,660
Look at this guy.
He must be retarded.
195
00:10:20,745 --> 00:10:22,912
Hey, retard,
you aren't worth it.
196
00:10:22,997 --> 00:10:24,456
Come on. Let's go.
Yeah? You are.
197
00:10:24,540 --> 00:10:28,501
What a wuss. I mean,
you aren't... worth it.
198
00:10:28,836 --> 00:10:30,879
I told them, meteor.
You had my back.
199
00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:35,050
You're cool.
Whoa, what's that?
200
00:10:37,428 --> 00:10:43,058
Five dollars. That's mine now.
You're my lucky meteor. Right on!
201
00:10:43,392 --> 00:10:45,602
I'll hold your half for ya.
202
00:10:47,104 --> 00:10:49,606
Meteor, we call this here
"Bein' in burger heaven. "
203
00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:54,110
Mmm. Oh, yeah.
204
00:10:54,862 --> 00:10:58,198
(CHATTERING)
(DIRT SIGHS)
205
00:10:58,282 --> 00:11:00,909
I need to find a home, Meteor.
206
00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:04,120
We need some stability
in our lives, man.
207
00:11:04,538 --> 00:11:08,958
We need to settle down.
Life gets hard, you know?
208
00:11:29,271 --> 00:11:34,693
Yeah. Come on, now.
It's a little bumpy.
209
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:42,117
Whoa-ho-ho. Look at that
town, Meteor. That's pretty.
210
00:11:42,326 --> 00:11:47,664
I bet people in a town like that will
be nice to us. Let's go down there.
211
00:11:49,125 --> 00:11:50,375
Come on.
212
00:11:51,293 --> 00:11:52,419
Yeah.
213
00:11:53,212 --> 00:11:56,798
No way I'd ever sell you,
Meteor. Not in a million years.
214
00:11:56,882 --> 00:12:00,719
But just for laughs, let's
see how much you're worth.
215
00:12:01,178 --> 00:12:05,014
Well, it ain't a meteor. Yeah,
it is. It came out of the sky.
216
00:12:05,349 --> 00:12:10,603
Well, I'm sure it did, but it ain't no
meteor. It's a big old frozen chunk of shit.
217
00:12:10,688 --> 00:12:12,063
What?
Oh, yeah.
218
00:12:12,148 --> 00:12:15,066
See, them airplanes dump
their toilets at 36,000 feet,
219
00:12:15,151 --> 00:12:17,026
and the stuff freezes
and falls to earth.
220
00:12:17,111 --> 00:12:19,696
We call 'em Boeing bombs.
221
00:12:19,780 --> 00:12:22,407
No, that can't be.
That's not what it is.
222
00:12:22,491 --> 00:12:23,992
Oh, afraid so.
223
00:12:24,368 --> 00:12:27,454
You see the peanut?
Dead giveaway.
224
00:12:27,788 --> 00:12:30,123
Yeah, that's... That's
a space peanut.
225
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:31,958
Well, afraid not.
226
00:12:32,042 --> 00:12:34,794
This is a big old frozen
chunk of poopie.
227
00:12:35,171 --> 00:12:37,338
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(ALL CHUCKLING)
228
00:12:37,465 --> 00:12:40,383
(ALL LAUGHING)
Dude, you were eating off it.
229
00:12:41,093 --> 00:12:44,095
(CHUCKLING) Okay, okay,
that's too much, too much.
230
00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:45,138
Then what happened?
231
00:12:45,222 --> 00:12:46,723
Well, then I got a dog.
232
00:12:46,807 --> 00:12:50,435
You're telling me you'd rather have
a dog than a frozen hunk of crap?
233
00:12:53,689 --> 00:12:56,691
DIRT: See, it wasn't really
my dog. It was this girl's dog.
234
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:59,360
I was livin' in the woods outside
of that postcard town I said.
235
00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:00,695
It's called Silvertown.
236
00:13:01,405 --> 00:13:04,449
And I'd come in to steal
stuff, you know, food, whatever.
237
00:13:04,533 --> 00:13:06,367
And then one winter...
238
00:13:06,702 --> 00:13:08,161
(DOG BARKING)
239
00:13:09,830 --> 00:13:13,500
(DOG HOWLING)
240
00:13:15,461 --> 00:13:18,171
(WHINING)
241
00:13:21,550 --> 00:13:23,885
Are you okay, boy?
242
00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:28,181
Oh, no. Are your nuts
frozen to the porch?
243
00:13:28,265 --> 00:13:30,308
(WHINING)
244
00:13:31,769 --> 00:13:34,145
Oh, that sucks. Don't pull up.
245
00:13:34,522 --> 00:13:35,897
(DOG WHINES)
246
00:13:40,361 --> 00:13:42,904
Who are you? It's okay.
I was just walking by.
247
00:13:43,197 --> 00:13:45,406
I think your dog's in a little
trouble here. What's wrong?
248
00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:48,159
I think his... Well, you know
how when you get your tongue
249
00:13:48,327 --> 00:13:51,204
frozen in a freezer
'cause it's all wet?
250
00:13:51,413 --> 00:13:53,081
I think he got...
251
00:13:53,624 --> 00:13:54,707
Nuts frozen to the porch?
252
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:55,875
Yes, exactly.
253
00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:58,169
Oh, baby! What do we do?
254
00:13:58,254 --> 00:14:00,922
We got to do something, so do
you have something inside? Yeah.
255
00:14:01,465 --> 00:14:03,550
(WHINING)
Shh. Don't pull up.
256
00:14:03,926 --> 00:14:07,846
It's okay, don't move. It's gonna
stretch 'em more. That's bad.
257
00:14:08,472 --> 00:14:10,515
No. Ow. That's...
That's wrong.
258
00:14:10,599 --> 00:14:13,184
That's way wrong. Do you
got, like, warm water and...
259
00:14:13,602 --> 00:14:14,853
A fork!
260
00:14:14,979 --> 00:14:16,271
Yeah. No. Ow. What?
261
00:14:16,355 --> 00:14:19,691
No, no.
A spatula thing. The flat one.
262
00:14:20,109 --> 00:14:22,777
I'm sorry, buddy.
Just give her a second. Dang.
263
00:14:22,945 --> 00:14:24,696
I got it. Now what?
264
00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:29,367
Here's what we do. I just pour a
little water on here. Now, you hold him.
265
00:14:29,451 --> 00:14:32,328
Easy. Now, this ain't no
flapjack. Gotta go real easy.
266
00:14:32,413 --> 00:14:34,122
Should loosen it up
a little bit.
267
00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:36,499
And I'm gonna go...
I don't wanna look. I'm sorry.
268
00:14:36,834 --> 00:14:39,794
(BOTH GROAN)
One, two, three, go.
269
00:14:40,588 --> 00:14:43,131
There.
Hey, buddy, you're free.
270
00:14:43,382 --> 00:14:44,632
Aw, dang.
Good boy!
271
00:14:45,301 --> 00:14:46,384
Good job!
272
00:14:46,468 --> 00:14:48,636
You might want to spray this
whole porch down with PAM,
273
00:14:49,054 --> 00:14:50,471
you know, so it doesn't
happen again.
274
00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:52,348
Okay.
What's his name?
275
00:14:53,601 --> 00:14:55,101
Charlie.
Charlie.
276
00:14:55,519 --> 00:14:56,811
And mine's Brandy.
277
00:14:56,979 --> 00:14:58,313
Hi, Brandy. I'm Joe Dirt.
278
00:14:58,397 --> 00:14:59,439
Nice to meet you.
279
00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:00,607
Nice to meet you too.
280
00:15:00,983 --> 00:15:03,651
Brandy, get your ass in the
kitchen and fire up that stove.
281
00:15:03,736 --> 00:15:05,361
You got some cookin' to do.
282
00:15:05,654 --> 00:15:08,323
Daddy, can we have my new
friend Joe over for supper?
283
00:15:08,490 --> 00:15:11,367
What, are you nuts, girl? We ain't
runnin' no soup kitchen here, boy.
284
00:15:11,785 --> 00:15:12,869
Scat! Get out of here!
285
00:15:14,121 --> 00:15:16,122
Long-haired hippie freak.
286
00:15:22,546 --> 00:15:24,213
I'll be your friend.
287
00:15:24,298 --> 00:15:26,758
For some reason, and
I have no idea why,
288
00:15:26,842 --> 00:15:29,052
Brandy always wanted
to hang out with me.
289
00:15:29,136 --> 00:15:30,803
And I had Charlie,
so that was cool.
290
00:15:31,847 --> 00:15:33,056
(BARKS)
291
00:15:33,307 --> 00:15:35,725
For the next couple of years,
the three of us was hanging out
292
00:15:35,809 --> 00:15:39,604
at the farm in Silvertown. And that was
the closest thing I ever had to a home.
293
00:15:40,522 --> 00:15:42,065
Till one day...
294
00:15:49,698 --> 00:15:51,032
(WHOOPING)
295
00:15:51,450 --> 00:15:53,034
Oh, Dirt, did I get you?
296
00:15:53,118 --> 00:15:54,994
Nah, I'm cool.
No, you're not.
297
00:15:55,537 --> 00:15:56,704
Where's Brandy?
298
00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:59,248
She's out riding her horse.
She'll be back in a minute.
299
00:15:59,583 --> 00:16:02,210
You guys want to play bumper pool? No.
300
00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:04,796
How does she put up
with you, Dirt?
301
00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:07,757
That's a good question, man.
She's great, though, ain't she?
302
00:16:08,342 --> 00:16:11,552
You know, sometimes it's like
she likes me or something.
303
00:16:12,054 --> 00:16:13,972
Yeah, dream on, Dirtboy.
304
00:16:14,056 --> 00:16:17,600
A girl like that's way out of
your league. She wants my body.
305
00:16:19,061 --> 00:16:21,145
No, I know, man.
That's all... That's for you.
306
00:16:21,230 --> 00:16:24,315
I'm... I'm not... We're just totally
friends. She's out of my league.
307
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:26,275
Don't ever forget it, Dirt.
308
00:16:29,405 --> 00:16:32,323
Check this out, Robby.
This is a good month. Dang.
309
00:16:32,408 --> 00:16:35,910
This guy's got a dash mat for
a '69 Nova he wants to sell,
310
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:39,288
and a car cover for any Dodge
from '79 to '84.
311
00:16:39,873 --> 00:16:42,083
Man, you don't even
have a car.
312
00:16:42,209 --> 00:16:43,835
I know, but that's a deal,
what he wants.
313
00:16:43,919 --> 00:16:46,671
They're usually 80 bucks at
Checker, and this guy wants 40, man.
314
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:48,589
Hey, look at this.
Charlie, see that?
315
00:16:48,882 --> 00:16:51,634
This guy's selling a Hurst speed
shifter with a pool-ball grip.
316
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:53,845
One day I'll have a car
that badass.
317
00:16:53,929 --> 00:16:57,265
I'll be chirping gears and
pulling brodies, going, "Rr-rr-rr!"
318
00:16:57,474 --> 00:16:59,892
You'll stick your head out the window
and check out chick dogs, going,
319
00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:00,977
"What's up, baby?"
320
00:17:01,061 --> 00:17:03,021
Boy, I swear I oughta
slap you silly.
321
00:17:03,147 --> 00:17:05,440
I tell you what. Why don't you
practice spittin' out teeth,
322
00:17:05,524 --> 00:17:07,525
'cause I swear I'm gonna...
(HORSE WHINNIES)
323
00:17:07,776 --> 00:17:09,193
Whoa, whoa.
324
00:17:17,077 --> 00:17:18,536
Dang.
Dang.
325
00:17:31,633 --> 00:17:33,843
Hi, Joe. Come here.
326
00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:38,014
What's up, goat-roper?
327
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:39,265
Not much, pig-licker.
328
00:17:39,349 --> 00:17:42,101
Watch the gun, baby.
That's how I get the gals.
329
00:17:42,770 --> 00:17:45,480
Come on. I'll treat you
to a Dairy Queen.
330
00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:47,523
Why are you being all nice?
331
00:17:47,608 --> 00:17:49,484
I am always nice to you,
Joe Dirt.
332
00:17:49,651 --> 00:17:52,487
Hey, Brandy.
Can I come too?
333
00:17:52,738 --> 00:17:55,656
Robby, I only have
enough money for me and Joe.
334
00:17:55,991 --> 00:17:58,284
(HORSE WHINNIES)
Come on, Joe.
335
00:17:58,952 --> 00:18:00,411
Let's do it!
Come on, Charlie!
336
00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:01,579
Come on, boy!
337
00:18:03,290 --> 00:18:06,375
Oh, God. She is so fine.
338
00:18:06,668 --> 00:18:10,630
Yeah. One day,
I'm gonna marry that girl.
339
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:14,258
(EDDIE MONEY'S I THINK
I'M IN LOVE PLAYING)
340
00:18:19,348 --> 00:18:23,392
♪ Ooh, something's got
a hold of me now
341
00:18:25,187 --> 00:18:26,229
♪ It's a feeling
342
00:18:26,313 --> 00:18:27,271
Stop!
343
00:18:27,356 --> 00:18:30,108
♪ Burnin' like a love
on fire ♪
344
00:18:33,028 --> 00:18:35,363
Oh, there you are.
345
00:18:35,489 --> 00:18:37,657
Gimme that mutt. I'm
takin' him huntin' with me.
346
00:18:37,741 --> 00:18:40,118
Daddy, you been drinkin'.
347
00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:42,495
Ah, shut the hell up
and just give me the mutt now.
348
00:18:42,579 --> 00:18:45,665
Hey, if you're taking the dog,
I'll go with him.
349
00:18:45,791 --> 00:18:48,459
'Cause I've been hunting
before. You, hunt?
350
00:18:48,544 --> 00:18:51,420
Wouldn't even use you as
a retriever. (GUFFAWING)
351
00:18:51,505 --> 00:18:53,756
That was a good one. All
right, Charlie, get in the car.
352
00:18:53,882 --> 00:18:54,882
(WHINING)
353
00:18:56,760 --> 00:19:01,347
Charlie, you mangy mutt. Get in
the damn car, you flea-bitten,
354
00:19:01,473 --> 00:19:03,432
butt-lickin'...
(MUTTERING)
355
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:05,518
son of a bitch.
356
00:19:06,061 --> 00:19:07,770
(CAR ENGINE STARTS)
357
00:19:12,317 --> 00:19:14,360
Two!
(CHUCKLES)
358
00:19:14,695 --> 00:19:15,695
Yeah!
359
00:19:15,779 --> 00:19:18,030
(WARNING BELLS CLANGING)
What?
360
00:19:18,365 --> 00:19:19,949
Hey!
361
00:19:20,284 --> 00:19:21,659
Hey, my foot's stuck!
362
00:19:21,743 --> 00:19:24,412
(CLANGING CONTINUES)
(TRAIN HORN SOUNDING)
363
00:19:25,914 --> 00:19:29,083
Charlie. Charlie, come here.
Come here, Charlie.
364
00:19:30,794 --> 00:19:33,129
My foot's stuck, see?
See, my foot's stuck?
365
00:19:33,422 --> 00:19:36,257
I need your help. I need you
to go find Sheriff Williams.
366
00:19:36,592 --> 00:19:39,177
Now, go on. Go bring help.
Go get help now.
367
00:19:39,386 --> 00:19:42,054
Go get him. Run, Charlie!
Run like the wind!
368
00:19:43,807 --> 00:19:44,891
Run!
369
00:19:45,976 --> 00:19:47,435
Run, Charlie.
370
00:19:48,103 --> 00:19:49,103
(MOANS)
371
00:19:53,442 --> 00:19:55,359
(TRAIN WHEELS CLACKING)
372
00:19:56,987 --> 00:19:59,280
That stupid dog better
be bringing somebody.
373
00:20:03,410 --> 00:20:05,453
Your dad always hunt
this long?
374
00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:07,330
Hey, there's Charlie!
375
00:20:07,456 --> 00:20:08,623
Charlie!
376
00:20:08,749 --> 00:20:11,751
Hi! There's my buddy.
Where have you been?
377
00:20:12,002 --> 00:20:13,669
(SIREN)
378
00:20:15,797 --> 00:20:18,466
There you go, Don.
Take 'er easy.
379
00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:23,095
Oh, my God!
380
00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:24,513
There's that worthless mutt!
381
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:27,516
What happened? This is all
that goddamn dog's fault!
382
00:20:27,809 --> 00:20:28,893
And I'm puttin' him down.
383
00:20:28,977 --> 00:20:29,894
No, you can't!
384
00:20:29,978 --> 00:20:31,979
Guess who came back, Charlie?
385
00:20:32,272 --> 00:20:34,273
(GUNSHOT)
(DIRT SCREAMING)
386
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:42,240
Joe, he's okay now.
He's in dog heaven.
387
00:20:42,324 --> 00:20:44,867
You gave him a great
last couple years.
388
00:20:44,952 --> 00:20:48,663
Well, I'll sprinkle his ashes.
They'll drift out to sea.
389
00:20:49,665 --> 00:20:51,874
He would've liked that.
390
00:20:53,961 --> 00:20:55,711
I can't do it.
391
00:20:58,507 --> 00:21:00,341
I'm taking him with me.
392
00:21:00,425 --> 00:21:04,845
Taking him with you? But...
Where are you going?
393
00:21:06,014 --> 00:21:08,724
Brandy, you see that moon?
394
00:21:08,809 --> 00:21:12,311
You don't know how many nights I
spent alone staring at that moon
395
00:21:12,396 --> 00:21:16,899
wondering if at that exact moment, my mom
or my dad was looking at the same moon.
396
00:21:17,192 --> 00:21:22,196
And for that brief second, we were
together again, kind of, you know?
397
00:21:23,991 --> 00:21:27,034
When I was with Charlie, I
didn't miss that moon so much.
398
00:21:28,203 --> 00:21:31,289
Brandy, I got a hole in my
heart. I don't know how to fix it.
399
00:21:31,373 --> 00:21:33,457
I got to find out what happened
that day at the Grand Canyon.
400
00:21:33,542 --> 00:21:35,835
I don't care how long it
takes. I gotta do it.
401
00:21:36,712 --> 00:21:42,508
But what if when you're gone some guy
asks me to marry him, and you're not here?
402
00:21:42,592 --> 00:21:45,720
What's that got to do with me?
We're always gonna be buddies, right?
403
00:21:46,054 --> 00:21:48,931
Well, if I get married,
404
00:21:49,308 --> 00:21:53,227
we might move, and you might
not know where to find me.
405
00:21:53,603 --> 00:21:55,813
You are gonna make
some guy so happy.
406
00:21:56,023 --> 00:21:58,983
I just hope whoever he is,
he deserves a girl like you.
407
00:22:01,737 --> 00:22:04,488
God, that Brandy has a
nice ass, doesn't she?
408
00:22:04,573 --> 00:22:06,907
I mean, I get this loser
talking about the moon
409
00:22:06,992 --> 00:22:09,076
and walking his dog, and all
the time I'm thinking about
410
00:22:09,161 --> 00:22:13,831
Brandy's well-manicured backyard
in those cutoff shorts... Ouch!
411
00:22:13,915 --> 00:22:16,500
Yeah, she's cool.
Anyway, so there I was,
412
00:22:16,585 --> 00:22:20,004
on my own again, looking for my parents,
but I don't know their last names.
413
00:22:20,088 --> 00:22:23,716
It's Dirt. Isn't that the name
on the family crest? Dirt.
414
00:22:23,925 --> 00:22:27,678
No, see, my last name's Dirt. My dad
made my last name Dirt for some reason.
415
00:22:27,763 --> 00:22:30,681
Anyway, I just put an "e" on
it, pronounce it "Deer-tay. "
416
00:22:30,766 --> 00:22:33,392
It's no big deal. It
actually sounds pretty cool.
417
00:22:33,477 --> 00:22:35,019
But see, I don't know
their last name.
418
00:22:35,270 --> 00:22:38,647
And I remember my sister yelling
it in my face when I was growing up.
419
00:22:38,940 --> 00:22:42,568
That's why Dad named you
Joe Dirt!
420
00:22:42,652 --> 00:22:44,820
That's why Dad named you
Joe Dirt instead of...
421
00:22:44,905 --> 00:22:46,697
I couldn't remember my real
last name.
422
00:22:46,782 --> 00:22:48,240
So I knew it was
gonna be hard to find 'em.
423
00:22:48,325 --> 00:22:49,617
Right, so what'd you do?
424
00:22:49,701 --> 00:22:50,951
Right, so then I needed
some money.
425
00:22:52,204 --> 00:22:55,289
I hopped a train out of Silvertown
and headed east for the big city.
426
00:23:00,837 --> 00:23:02,254
Then I got lucky.
427
00:23:02,464 --> 00:23:05,466
I got myself a real
important job in advertising.
428
00:23:05,550 --> 00:23:09,470
Molar World. Walk-ins welcome.
There you go.
429
00:23:09,554 --> 00:23:12,807
Molar World. One for the kid?
Sure.
430
00:23:12,891 --> 00:23:14,767
Molar W...
431
00:23:15,268 --> 00:23:17,103
What's up?
432
00:23:17,187 --> 00:23:18,896
Oh, my God.
433
00:23:18,980 --> 00:23:21,565
Competition orange, '67.
434
00:23:21,650 --> 00:23:23,901
This thing's a Hemi!
435
00:23:24,152 --> 00:23:25,403
Ma'am, are you selling
this car?
436
00:23:25,487 --> 00:23:28,364
Oh, yeah. It literally
just went on to the market.
437
00:23:28,448 --> 00:23:30,241
How much you want for it?
438
00:23:31,660 --> 00:23:32,868
What do you got?
439
00:23:32,994 --> 00:23:34,286
Practically nothing.
440
00:23:34,788 --> 00:23:35,788
I'm looking for my parents.
441
00:23:35,872 --> 00:23:38,332
They lost me at the Grand
Canyon more than ten years ago.
442
00:23:38,959 --> 00:23:41,669
So all my money goes towards that. I
don't have pictures of them or nothing.
443
00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:47,591
You don't even have a picture of them? Aww. Well, my ex
- husband, before he died...
444
00:23:47,676 --> 00:23:49,260
Oh. I'm sorry.
445
00:23:49,344 --> 00:23:51,303
Nah. I killed him.
446
00:23:51,388 --> 00:23:55,641
He used to beat me, so one night I
just pushed him into the wood chipper.
447
00:23:55,934 --> 00:23:57,768
Told the cops he fell.
448
00:23:58,687 --> 00:24:02,022
Good for you. But he used
to be a police sketch artist.
449
00:24:02,524 --> 00:24:04,525
Oh, he was damn good too.
450
00:24:04,609 --> 00:24:07,194
The victims would give him
the worst descriptions,
451
00:24:07,362 --> 00:24:09,238
and he would draw them out
like photographs.
452
00:24:09,322 --> 00:24:11,282
He could do anything,
you know?
453
00:24:11,408 --> 00:24:13,534
Like age progression and...
454
00:24:13,618 --> 00:24:16,620
That's it. That's what I'll do for
my parents. How much does that cost?
455
00:24:16,705 --> 00:24:19,290
Oh, about 360 bucks.
456
00:24:20,083 --> 00:24:22,501
Then that's what
I need to make. Thank you.
457
00:24:22,836 --> 00:24:25,546
And I'm sorry I can't buy
your beautiful Hemi.
458
00:24:25,714 --> 00:24:27,798
Oh, no, you can.
459
00:24:27,966 --> 00:24:30,259
Give me what you got in
your pocket, and she's yours.
460
00:24:30,552 --> 00:24:31,844
For real?
461
00:24:33,805 --> 00:24:36,056
You hear that, Charlie?
We got us a Hemi, brother.
462
00:24:37,058 --> 00:24:39,518
That lady gave me a great
idea. Hey, Dirt! Dirt!
463
00:24:39,936 --> 00:24:43,898
Storm's coming in! Get up on the
roof and put some bricks in the tooth!
464
00:24:44,024 --> 00:24:45,232
DIRT: Gotcha.
465
00:24:54,784 --> 00:24:56,076
(SCREAMS)
466
00:24:59,039 --> 00:25:01,290
My tooth! My tooth!
467
00:25:01,374 --> 00:25:02,541
Help!
468
00:25:02,626 --> 00:25:04,752
Hey! Go back!
469
00:25:07,547 --> 00:25:09,381
I can see down your shirt.
470
00:25:09,633 --> 00:25:11,425
What an ass.
471
00:25:11,510 --> 00:25:13,719
Hey, boss,
I'm goin' on a break.
472
00:25:23,522 --> 00:25:26,899
Hey! Airplane! Help me!
473
00:25:38,537 --> 00:25:41,163
Oh, that's not professional.
474
00:25:41,456 --> 00:25:43,499
(JOE WALSH'S
ROCKY MOUNTAIN WAY PLAYING)
475
00:25:45,752 --> 00:25:49,880
♪ Spent the last year,
Rocky Mountain Way
476
00:25:51,508 --> 00:25:55,469
♪ Couldn't get much higher ♪
477
00:25:57,973 --> 00:26:00,099
I'd floated all the way to
North Dakota.
478
00:26:00,308 --> 00:26:03,477
And there I was, scared to death, as
I dropped like a stone from the sky.
479
00:26:07,983 --> 00:26:09,650
Go back! Go back!
480
00:26:09,818 --> 00:26:12,069
(SCREAMS)
481
00:26:14,030 --> 00:26:16,240
(COUGHING)
482
00:26:19,244 --> 00:26:21,245
But then the most amazing
thing happened.
483
00:26:21,454 --> 00:26:24,039
I landed next to an oil rig,
and they was hiring people.
484
00:26:24,165 --> 00:26:26,333
And what they paid was like
a sign from above
485
00:26:26,501 --> 00:26:28,168
that I was
meant to find my parents.
486
00:26:28,503 --> 00:26:30,337
(FRANTIC SHOUTING)
487
00:26:30,505 --> 00:26:31,505
Coming down!
488
00:26:31,590 --> 00:26:32,590
Hey, bro, come on down!
489
00:26:38,513 --> 00:26:40,598
Yeah, baby. Come on, now.
Get loose.
490
00:26:42,309 --> 00:26:44,852
Whoa, man, I got it.
It's comin'.
491
00:26:45,061 --> 00:26:47,896
I'll pay for this. I'm new!
492
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:50,774
I'm new.
I don't know what to do!
493
00:26:57,198 --> 00:26:59,116
Hey, man, you done
with that apple core?
494
00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:00,492
(FARTS)
495
00:27:00,577 --> 00:27:02,244
I'm done with that fart.
You want that?
496
00:27:03,455 --> 00:27:06,707
Maybe if it came out of Charlene
Tilton's ass, I'd take a bite.
497
00:27:06,791 --> 00:27:08,667
MAN: Yeah, you probably
like J. R., you queer.
498
00:27:08,752 --> 00:27:12,880
I saw your bumper sticker,
"Cowboys' butts drive me nuts. "
499
00:27:12,964 --> 00:27:15,549
Is that right?
You think that's queer?
500
00:27:15,967 --> 00:27:18,886
Is this queer? They're large and
in charge and lookin' for chickies.
501
00:27:20,221 --> 00:27:21,263
You wanna back that up?
502
00:27:21,348 --> 00:27:24,475
You wanna fight? Why don't you stick
your head up my butt and fight for air?
503
00:27:25,018 --> 00:27:27,311
That's it. You and me.
Let's go.
504
00:27:28,188 --> 00:27:30,648
You know, I would. I'd love to beat
your ass up and down this place.
505
00:27:30,732 --> 00:27:32,066
I got to go back to work.
506
00:27:32,859 --> 00:27:34,818
Yo, Dirt. You're fired.
507
00:27:34,903 --> 00:27:38,530
Here's your week's pay.
(MEN LAUGHING)
508
00:27:39,824 --> 00:27:40,908
Dang.
509
00:27:43,078 --> 00:27:45,037
(MEN SHOUTING, CHEERING)
510
00:27:45,497 --> 00:27:46,497
Yeah!
511
00:27:46,998 --> 00:27:49,124
What's up here?
Look down there.
512
00:27:49,376 --> 00:27:51,085
What's going on? Here I come.
513
00:27:55,924 --> 00:27:56,924
(GROANS)
514
00:27:57,217 --> 00:27:59,343
Luckily, my neck broke
my fall.
515
00:28:01,930 --> 00:28:04,014
I guess you won the battle.
516
00:28:04,099 --> 00:28:06,183
Yeah!
DIRT: But I won the war.
517
00:28:06,267 --> 00:28:09,103
If you're covered in oil,
don't stand next to a fire.
518
00:28:09,187 --> 00:28:11,271
(MAN SCREAMING)
519
00:28:11,856 --> 00:28:14,358
Now that's day-one stuff.
520
00:28:18,697 --> 00:28:21,490
Keep that Skoal, baby.
That's what I'm talking about.
521
00:28:25,412 --> 00:28:27,037
So I had my 360 bucks.
522
00:28:27,122 --> 00:28:29,456
The next day I was gonna try
the police sketch thing,
523
00:28:29,541 --> 00:28:31,125
but something happened
to my head.
524
00:28:31,251 --> 00:28:35,003
See, I spent the night in what I
thought was an abandoned circus tent.
525
00:28:35,088 --> 00:28:37,214
But I guess
it wasn't no circus.
526
00:28:37,298 --> 00:28:39,717
I was totally bombed
on insecticide, I think.
527
00:28:39,801 --> 00:28:42,970
(INCOHERENT SINGING)
528
00:28:46,266 --> 00:28:48,350
So needless to say,
I was in no shape
529
00:28:48,435 --> 00:28:50,602
to do anybody any good
with my recollections.
530
00:28:51,354 --> 00:28:53,731
The guy doing the police sketch
thought I was messin' with him
531
00:28:53,940 --> 00:28:56,150
'cause my dad came out
looking like Father Time...
532
00:28:56,651 --> 00:28:58,277
and my mom came out
too butch, and
533
00:28:58,361 --> 00:29:00,320
looking way too much
like Richard Ramirez.
534
00:29:00,405 --> 00:29:02,156
You know, the Night Stalker?
Remember that guy?
535
00:29:04,492 --> 00:29:07,703
As my head cleared, I realized
I needed a different approach.
536
00:29:08,580 --> 00:29:11,790
Then I got a brainstorm... Hire
an Indian tracker to help me.
537
00:29:11,875 --> 00:29:13,917
Man, that's a great idea.
They could find anything.
538
00:29:14,377 --> 00:29:17,588
It's like in the movies.
So I headed for a reservation.
539
00:29:24,262 --> 00:29:26,597
You want me to put
my ear to the ground,
540
00:29:26,681 --> 00:29:28,640
listen for hoofbeats,
541
00:29:28,725 --> 00:29:30,434
check for footprints?
542
00:29:30,518 --> 00:29:33,061
Look for broken twigs?
543
00:29:33,146 --> 00:29:35,397
But this is the modern age.
544
00:29:35,482 --> 00:29:41,779
That stuff doesn't work anymore, which
is why I had to open this fireworks stand.
545
00:29:41,863 --> 00:29:44,072
I wasn't getting by
on my tracking wages.
546
00:29:44,866 --> 00:29:48,035
Come on. You're supposed to
be good at tracking stuff, man.
547
00:29:48,119 --> 00:29:50,037
I've got to find my parents.
548
00:29:50,121 --> 00:29:52,915
And I've got to figure out
a way to sell more fireworks.
549
00:29:52,999 --> 00:29:54,875
I'm going broke
with this venture also.
550
00:29:55,293 --> 00:29:57,586
I see you got them
snakes and sparklers
551
00:29:57,670 --> 00:30:00,047
but where's
the good stuff, man?
552
00:30:00,131 --> 00:30:03,842
Good stuff? This is the good
stuff, snakes and sparklers.
553
00:30:03,927 --> 00:30:07,304
Are you nuts, dude? You need
stuff that explodes, go boom!
554
00:30:07,388 --> 00:30:08,388
Why is that good?
555
00:30:11,559 --> 00:30:14,394
You might as well ask,
"Why is a tree good?
556
00:30:14,479 --> 00:30:16,897
"Why is a sunset good?
Why are boobs good?"
557
00:30:17,607 --> 00:30:19,274
Man, firecrackers.
558
00:30:19,984 --> 00:30:22,319
You stick 'em in mailboxes,
you drop 'em in toilets.
559
00:30:22,904 --> 00:30:24,321
You shove 'em up
bullfrogs' asses.
560
00:30:24,405 --> 00:30:26,114
I would never do that,
561
00:30:26,199 --> 00:30:27,741
'cause I'm gonna be
a veterinarian.
562
00:30:27,909 --> 00:30:29,451
Well, there you go.
563
00:30:29,536 --> 00:30:33,038
Someone shoves an M-80 up a
bullfrog's butt, blows him to pieces,
564
00:30:33,122 --> 00:30:34,581
he comes back to you
to fix it.
565
00:30:34,666 --> 00:30:36,583
You win twice, brother.
It's good biz.
566
00:30:38,127 --> 00:30:40,963
So you're gonna tell me that
you don't have no Black Cats,
567
00:30:41,422 --> 00:30:43,215
no Roman candles
or Screamin' Mimis?
568
00:30:43,341 --> 00:30:46,009
No. Oh, come on, man. You
don't got no Ladyfingers,
569
00:30:46,094 --> 00:30:48,846
Buzz Bottles, Snicker Bombs,
Church Burners, Finger Blasters,
570
00:30:48,930 --> 00:30:51,098
Gut Busters, Zip-a-dee-do-dahs
or Crap Flappers?
571
00:30:51,182 --> 00:30:56,520
No, I don't. You're gonna stand
there owning a fireworks stand
572
00:30:56,604 --> 00:30:58,605
and tell me you don't have
no Whistling Bungholes,
573
00:30:59,107 --> 00:31:01,024
no Spleen Splitters,
Whisker Biscuits,
574
00:31:01,109 --> 00:31:03,944
Honky Lighters,
Husker Du's, Husker Don'ts,
575
00:31:04,028 --> 00:31:07,656
Cherry Bombs, Nipsy Dazers, with
or without the scooter stick,
576
00:31:07,740 --> 00:31:09,783
or one single
Whistling Kitty Chaser?
577
00:31:11,244 --> 00:31:13,120
No.
Wha...
578
00:31:14,038 --> 00:31:17,207
'Cause snakes and sparklers
are the only ones I like.
579
00:31:17,292 --> 00:31:19,751
Well, that might be
your problem.
580
00:31:19,836 --> 00:31:22,754
It's not what you like.
It's the consumer.
581
00:31:24,716 --> 00:31:26,550
Whee! Lookie there.
582
00:31:26,634 --> 00:31:29,261
Oh, that's happening, man. We
should get bleachers over here.
583
00:31:29,345 --> 00:31:31,889
People'll come from miles
around to see this thing.
584
00:31:31,973 --> 00:31:33,891
Feast your eyes
on a feast of smoke.
585
00:31:33,975 --> 00:31:38,228
Oh, dang. It's out. Oh, CNN's
gonna turn around and go home now.
586
00:31:38,813 --> 00:31:41,189
What's going on, man? I saw a
snail over there and he said,
587
00:31:41,274 --> 00:31:45,235
"That thing's slow. It ain't movin'
fast. It's boring and dull. I'm yawning. "
588
00:31:45,320 --> 00:31:48,488
That's a snail watching that.
There's a snail in the desert?
589
00:31:48,615 --> 00:31:49,990
Yeah, a spaceship
dropped him off.
590
00:31:50,116 --> 00:31:52,659
Don't focus on the wrong
part of the story, brother.
591
00:31:52,744 --> 00:31:54,161
And the snail can talk?
592
00:31:54,245 --> 00:31:56,955
Yeah, because they gave
him powers, the aliens.
593
00:31:57,040 --> 00:32:01,209
They made his little voice box... Dude,
I'm just sayin' it's dull, all right?
594
00:32:01,294 --> 00:32:03,754
This ain't fun. Look at
that little piece of char.
595
00:32:03,838 --> 00:32:06,465
You need explosions.
You need stuff going on, man.
596
00:32:06,549 --> 00:32:10,552
No wonder this thing's going under.
You got nothing. It's wussy stuff.
597
00:32:10,637 --> 00:32:12,012
Well...
598
00:32:14,098 --> 00:32:15,641
I got these two sticks.
599
00:32:15,725 --> 00:32:20,228
Oh, dang. These are yours? These are
Roman candles, brother. That's good stuff.
600
00:32:20,939 --> 00:32:23,982
Get this thing full
of lighter fluid.
601
00:32:24,734 --> 00:32:26,568
Yeah.
602
00:32:27,445 --> 00:32:30,864
The Roman candle.
Step back a little bit.
603
00:32:33,368 --> 00:32:35,285
Yee!
That's what I'm talkin' about.
604
00:32:35,495 --> 00:32:39,373
That's beautiful. Beautiful? I'm
looking for "righteously kick-ass. "
605
00:32:40,375 --> 00:32:42,668
You know what we need?
Gasoline.
606
00:32:42,877 --> 00:32:44,002
Yeah.
607
00:32:46,381 --> 00:32:48,757
Breakfast of champions.
608
00:32:48,841 --> 00:32:53,595
All right, you might want to take
a few extra steps back on this one.
609
00:32:58,893 --> 00:32:59,893
God.
610
00:33:00,979 --> 00:33:06,149
Oh, man.
What did I trip over?
611
00:33:06,234 --> 00:33:08,527
There's something metal
sticking out of the ground.
612
00:33:10,905 --> 00:33:12,197
You okay?
613
00:33:13,992 --> 00:33:16,451
What is this thing, man?
614
00:33:16,536 --> 00:33:20,372
Maybe we should take it over to that
place, the laboratory over in the next town,
615
00:33:20,456 --> 00:33:21,665
Los Alamos.
616
00:33:21,791 --> 00:33:23,750
That symbol looks very stern.
617
00:33:23,835 --> 00:33:27,337
Yeah, man. That's definitely what
we should do. That's the right thing.
618
00:33:27,422 --> 00:33:28,964
But first...
619
00:33:30,091 --> 00:33:32,426
Yeah, jam that in
the gas bucket.
620
00:33:34,095 --> 00:33:39,141
We'll shoot fireballs at it. We gotta
step way back. This is gonna be fun.
621
00:33:47,692 --> 00:33:50,444
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Look at that shit!
622
00:33:51,112 --> 00:33:55,240
Oh, man, we're gonna get so
busted! Let's get out of here!
623
00:33:59,996 --> 00:34:02,581
(SCREAMING)
624
00:34:08,921 --> 00:34:10,630
What happened, man?
625
00:34:10,840 --> 00:34:14,885
You tripped over that object in
the ground. You were knocked out.
626
00:34:16,637 --> 00:34:19,097
That thing's
an atom bomb, man.
627
00:34:21,142 --> 00:34:22,809
I got an idea.
628
00:34:23,561 --> 00:34:25,687
"Canyon Rubberneckers
tour bus.
629
00:34:25,772 --> 00:34:29,691
"The Grand Canyon's number-one
purveyor of fine bus tours. "
630
00:34:29,776 --> 00:34:32,611
I still don't see why we're
going to the tour bus company.
631
00:34:32,695 --> 00:34:36,865
Don't you see? All the tourists at
the canyon that day my parents lost me,
632
00:34:36,949 --> 00:34:38,241
they had cameras.
633
00:34:38,326 --> 00:34:40,911
And you can't tell me, in
all those pictures they took,
634
00:34:40,995 --> 00:34:43,163
there won't be some
that accidentally
635
00:34:43,247 --> 00:34:45,248
have me and my parents
in 'em, man.
636
00:34:45,333 --> 00:34:48,126
The company'll have records
of who used the tour that day.
637
00:34:48,669 --> 00:34:51,046
But that was more
than ten years ago.
638
00:34:51,130 --> 00:34:54,049
Besides, they won't just
hand the records over to us.
639
00:34:54,133 --> 00:34:56,134
We're just an Indian
and some guy.
640
00:34:56,344 --> 00:34:57,719
Uh-uh, man.
641
00:34:57,887 --> 00:35:00,972
You can't have "no" in your heart.
"No" is not an option, brother.
642
00:35:01,057 --> 00:35:04,684
You're not just an Indian.
You're Kicking Wing. All right?
643
00:35:04,769 --> 00:35:07,395
And one day, you're gonna be
Kicking Wing, Animal Doctor.
644
00:35:07,480 --> 00:35:09,689
And then you should change your
name to Kicking Ass. I would.
645
00:35:15,029 --> 00:35:19,449
Oh, man. Swerve them potholes.
You know, because of the atom bomb.
646
00:35:20,535 --> 00:35:21,535
Ah.
647
00:35:30,378 --> 00:35:35,090
One swing, and this here ball-peen
hammer will trigger this A-bomb,
648
00:35:35,174 --> 00:35:38,969
and it'll blow up the whole
city, maybe even half the country.
649
00:35:39,053 --> 00:35:40,428
Now, here's what I need.
650
00:35:40,513 --> 00:35:42,681
I need you to give
me the records
651
00:35:42,890 --> 00:35:46,059
of everybody who toured the
Grand Canyon on them buses
652
00:35:46,269 --> 00:35:48,270
June 13, 1979.
653
00:35:49,897 --> 00:35:54,067
I'm not messin' around. I'll hit
it. And then it goes bang. All right?
654
00:35:54,777 --> 00:35:56,945
Now, while I'm
up here waiting,
655
00:35:58,573 --> 00:36:00,115
you.
Me?
656
00:36:00,199 --> 00:36:02,409
Show me them boobies.
657
00:36:10,418 --> 00:36:12,127
Dang.
658
00:36:12,420 --> 00:36:15,463
Now, even you liked the way
that chick looked, didn't you?
659
00:36:15,548 --> 00:36:17,674
Even me? What's that
supposed to mean, man?
660
00:36:17,758 --> 00:36:21,136
I'm just saying, I'm beginning to doubt
your hetero street credentials here.
661
00:36:21,220 --> 00:36:23,430
I mean, never putting
the moves on Brandy...
662
00:36:23,514 --> 00:36:25,557
Brandy, man...
She's too beautiful.
663
00:36:25,975 --> 00:36:27,142
She's way too hot for me.
664
00:36:27,226 --> 00:36:28,894
He has no idea
that Brandy even likes him.
665
00:36:29,020 --> 00:36:32,939
His voice is so sexy. I wonder
what he looks like. (GIGGLES)
666
00:36:33,024 --> 00:36:34,774
ZANDER: You're standing there
with an atom bomb.
667
00:36:35,276 --> 00:36:38,195
Could be Fat Man, could be Little
Boy. We'll nail that down later.
668
00:36:38,279 --> 00:36:40,322
But anyway, did you get
the names you wanted?
669
00:36:40,406 --> 00:36:43,241
Yeah, I did, but by the way,
it wasn't no atom bomb.
670
00:36:43,326 --> 00:36:48,288
Turns out, some skateboarder slapped a
Biohazard band sticker on the side of this
671
00:36:48,372 --> 00:36:50,749
septic tank for an R.V.
672
00:36:50,833 --> 00:36:52,959
Anyway, the cops knew
it wasn't a bomb right away.
673
00:36:53,044 --> 00:36:55,712
Yeah. Who hasn't seen
that scenario played out?
674
00:36:55,796 --> 00:36:58,048
It's just an old crapper tank,
people.
675
00:36:59,967 --> 00:37:01,635
(PEOPLE GROANING)
676
00:37:03,930 --> 00:37:06,097
Kicking Wing!
Stop it.
677
00:37:06,974 --> 00:37:08,975
Somebody help me!
678
00:37:09,101 --> 00:37:10,310
Help me!
679
00:37:10,436 --> 00:37:11,561
Ew!
680
00:37:11,646 --> 00:37:15,065
Is it done?
How much is in there?
681
00:37:15,149 --> 00:37:17,400
I got the poo on me.
682
00:37:17,485 --> 00:37:19,569
ZANDER: You are so pathetic.
683
00:37:19,737 --> 00:37:21,321
They decided not even
to arrest me.
684
00:37:21,447 --> 00:37:24,324
They said being covered in that
stinky stuff was punishment enough.
685
00:37:24,408 --> 00:37:29,663
Don't you get it, man? Stinky stuff is
your milieu. Okay? This is your deal.
686
00:37:29,747 --> 00:37:32,916
You are an underachievement
nexus in the universe, and
687
00:37:33,000 --> 00:37:35,001
it's always gonna be
like this, Joey.
688
00:37:35,169 --> 00:37:37,754
No, man, but you gotta keep
going. What am I gonna do, quit?
689
00:37:37,838 --> 00:37:40,298
That's not an option.
You got to keep on keepin' on.
690
00:37:40,383 --> 00:37:42,592
Life's a garden, dig it?
You make it work for you.
691
00:37:42,677 --> 00:37:46,096
You never give up, man. That's my
philosophy. You hear that in there?
692
00:37:46,180 --> 00:37:48,014
You know, the thing that
drives me crazy and
693
00:37:48,099 --> 00:37:49,349
fascinates me
at the same time
694
00:37:49,558 --> 00:37:53,603
is that you are so unrelentingly
upbeat about your plight.
695
00:37:55,189 --> 00:37:58,817
I need more, man. I'll be honest with
you. I want to see you in here tomorrow.
696
00:37:58,901 --> 00:38:01,486
I want to hear more
of the saga of Joe Dirt.
697
00:38:02,154 --> 00:38:03,655
All right. Thanks, you guys.
698
00:38:05,324 --> 00:38:06,533
All right, Joe!
699
00:38:06,659 --> 00:38:07,867
Yeah, baby.
700
00:38:21,007 --> 00:38:22,882
(DAVE MATTHEWS BAND
CRASH INTO ME PLAYING)
701
00:38:27,805 --> 00:38:32,183
♪ You've got your ball
You've got your chain
702
00:38:32,268 --> 00:38:36,771
♪ Tied to me tight
Tie me up again
703
00:38:37,231 --> 00:38:41,609
♪ Who's got the claws
in you my friend
704
00:38:41,902 --> 00:38:46,656
♪ Into your heart
Heart beat again
705
00:38:47,116 --> 00:38:51,578
♪ Sweet like candy
to my soul
706
00:38:51,912 --> 00:38:56,041
♪ Sweet you rock
and sweet you roll
707
00:38:56,250 --> 00:39:02,380
♪ Lost for you
I'm so lost for you
708
00:39:04,050 --> 00:39:07,427
♪ Oh, and you come crash
709
00:39:09,597 --> 00:39:10,597
♪ Into me ♪
710
00:39:10,723 --> 00:39:13,850
MAN: You're listening to
the Zander Kelly Show on KXLA.
711
00:39:14,185 --> 00:39:16,269
All right.
Good morning, troops.
712
00:39:16,354 --> 00:39:18,688
This is Zander Kelly,
and you, of course,
713
00:39:18,856 --> 00:39:21,441
are careening headlong
into yet another hellish day
714
00:39:21,525 --> 00:39:26,363
in the tiny existence you
laughingly refer to as your life.
715
00:39:26,447 --> 00:39:28,698
I'm here with Joe Dirt.
716
00:39:28,783 --> 00:39:32,660
Joey, the tale could not be told in
one day, and we've asked you back today.
717
00:39:32,745 --> 00:39:36,956
I might say the joint looks great.
The toilets are freshly scrubbed.
718
00:39:37,041 --> 00:39:38,541
The floor is spick-and-span.
719
00:39:38,626 --> 00:39:41,961
Hey, Joe, did you use the stuff
with the tiny scrubbing bubbles?
720
00:39:42,046 --> 00:39:44,464
They clean the bowl
so you don't have to.
721
00:39:45,341 --> 00:39:46,883
(CHUCKLES)
No, I didn't.
722
00:39:46,967 --> 00:39:49,844
Yesterday, provide a little
back-story for the listeners,
723
00:39:49,929 --> 00:39:52,722
you were telling us that
you were covered in crap,
724
00:39:52,807 --> 00:39:54,057
and you are a complete loser.
725
00:39:54,141 --> 00:39:56,768
Have I nailed
the pertinent facts?
726
00:39:56,852 --> 00:40:01,815
Well, let me emphasize to the listeners
those are your words, not mine.
727
00:40:01,899 --> 00:40:05,735
Sorry, Billy Jack. So now
you have a bunch of names
728
00:40:05,820 --> 00:40:10,031
of people who might actually have a
photograph of you and your parents, right?
729
00:40:10,116 --> 00:40:11,783
Right.
I got a big bunch of names.
730
00:40:11,867 --> 00:40:14,911
So now I got to span the
country to find all these people,
731
00:40:14,995 --> 00:40:17,330
to see if anybody's got a
photograph from that one day.
732
00:40:18,624 --> 00:40:21,835
"Anderson, Anders,
Asnov, Ast... "
733
00:40:22,086 --> 00:40:25,463
I mean, all these people were
on them tour buses that day?
734
00:40:25,548 --> 00:40:30,260
"Belitnikoff... " It's gonna take
forever, man. But I gotta do it.
735
00:40:30,344 --> 00:40:35,056
Joe Dirt, I wish you luck. I hope
you find what you're looking for.
736
00:40:35,141 --> 00:40:37,475
And remember that town
you're always talking about.
737
00:40:37,560 --> 00:40:38,935
Yeah, Silvertown, man.
738
00:40:39,019 --> 00:40:42,856
Yes. Silvertown. You make it sound
like the most wonderful place.
739
00:40:43,232 --> 00:40:47,444
So you've always got Silvertown.
Remember that, Joe Dirt.
740
00:40:47,528 --> 00:40:51,281
And you remember to keep on keepin'
on, man, and you'll be a veterinarian,
741
00:40:51,365 --> 00:40:53,825
'cause I believe people get
what they really, really want
742
00:40:53,909 --> 00:40:55,994
especially a cool guy
like you, Kicking Wing.
743
00:40:56,078 --> 00:40:57,120
You know what?
744
00:40:57,204 --> 00:41:00,206
You're my first real friend I've
found outside of Charlie and Brandy.
745
00:41:05,504 --> 00:41:07,255
Oh. Okay.
746
00:41:09,049 --> 00:41:11,634
That's good. That's good.
747
00:41:11,719 --> 00:41:15,597
DIRT: That hug was completely
asexual. He kind of snuck it up on me.
748
00:41:15,681 --> 00:41:17,724
ZANDER: Whateveryou gotta
tell yourself, Joe Dirt.
749
00:41:17,808 --> 00:41:19,142
(MUMBLING)
750
00:41:19,768 --> 00:41:21,311
KICKING WING:
I love you, Joe Dirt.
751
00:41:27,693 --> 00:41:29,402
DIRT: So I hit the road
with my list of names,
752
00:41:29,487 --> 00:41:33,281
looking for tourists who might
have photos of my folks.
753
00:41:33,365 --> 00:41:36,701
I hit pay dirt when I got a
job with a traveling carnival
754
00:41:36,785 --> 00:41:38,453
and that's when things
got a little weird.
755
00:41:39,997 --> 00:41:41,998
(GEORGE THOROGOOD'S
WHO DO YOU LOVE PLAYING)
756
00:41:45,169 --> 00:41:49,422
♪ Come on take a little walk with
me baby, and tell me who do you love?
757
00:41:51,759 --> 00:41:54,260
♪ Who do you love?
758
00:41:55,763 --> 00:41:58,348
♪ Around the town
I use a rattlesnake whip
759
00:41:58,432 --> 00:42:00,308
♪ Take it easy baby
don't you give me no lip
760
00:42:00,392 --> 00:42:07,273
♪ Who do you love?
761
00:42:11,487 --> 00:42:13,905
♪ I've got a tombstone hand
and a graveyard mind
762
00:42:13,989 --> 00:42:16,157
♪ I'm just twenty-two
and I don't mind dying
763
00:42:16,242 --> 00:42:17,992
♪ Who do you love?
764
00:42:20,371 --> 00:42:24,290
♪ Yeah, who do you love? ♪
765
00:42:35,678 --> 00:42:37,262
Dang.
766
00:42:46,188 --> 00:42:47,855
Can I go again? Please?
767
00:42:47,940 --> 00:42:50,066
No, you've been on the ride long
enough. It's time to go home.
768
00:42:50,150 --> 00:42:53,653
I got you, buddy. Who's this chick
over here? That your girlfriend?
769
00:42:53,737 --> 00:42:56,406
You should see my girlfriend.
You'd shit yourself.
770
00:42:56,991 --> 00:42:58,283
Really?
771
00:42:58,367 --> 00:43:00,159
Tell you what. I'm gonna
give you a free spin.
772
00:43:00,244 --> 00:43:02,412
I'm gonna talk to your lady
friend over there. How 'bout that?
773
00:43:02,496 --> 00:43:03,538
Yes!
774
00:43:06,292 --> 00:43:09,919
DIRT: Good job, sir. Yeah, keep 'em
straight like that. Good strategy.
775
00:43:10,004 --> 00:43:13,673
You know, the life of a carnival
worker keeps me free and untethered.
776
00:43:13,757 --> 00:43:17,260
I know. That's why I was
immediately attracted to you.
777
00:43:17,344 --> 00:43:18,720
I could tell you
were an outlaw.
778
00:43:18,846 --> 00:43:22,140
Is that right? Yeah, I am kind of
an outlaw through and through, baby.
779
00:43:22,558 --> 00:43:25,602
MAN: Damn. Good toss
there, sir. Good one.
780
00:43:25,686 --> 00:43:28,730
You know, society's
got no hold on this outlaw.
781
00:43:29,356 --> 00:43:31,858
Damn it! All right,
all right. Real close.
782
00:43:32,359 --> 00:43:35,695
You know, I'm like a bird. Actually,
more like a hard-ass pterodactyl.
783
00:43:35,779 --> 00:43:37,030
(CAWING)
784
00:43:37,364 --> 00:43:38,531
MAN: This is bullshit!
785
00:43:38,616 --> 00:43:42,201
Hey, God forbid you don't win after
throwing only two quarters, man.
786
00:43:42,286 --> 00:43:44,787
It's a business.
It ain't UNICEF, okay?
787
00:43:44,872 --> 00:43:49,459
I got a good mind to take my outlaw ass
and... Yeah, you better walk away, hardass.
788
00:43:51,170 --> 00:43:52,420
Some people, right?
789
00:43:52,504 --> 00:43:53,588
I know.
790
00:43:55,549 --> 00:43:59,594
So later on, I'm pickin' up my Hemi
Road Runner. That's right, I said Hemi.
791
00:43:59,678 --> 00:44:02,263
Wow. A Hemi?
792
00:44:02,598 --> 00:44:04,474
Balls to the wall.
Oh, yeah.
793
00:44:04,558 --> 00:44:06,267
I left it here.
Friend's house.
794
00:44:06,352 --> 00:44:10,730
Well, actually it got towed two years ago.
But I'm gonna pick it up this afternoon.
795
00:44:10,814 --> 00:44:12,357
I might need
a pretty little lady
796
00:44:12,441 --> 00:44:15,985
to sit on the front seat with
me while I break her in...
797
00:44:16,070 --> 00:44:17,153
The car, I mean.
798
00:44:17,321 --> 00:44:19,113
What do you say?
799
00:44:19,907 --> 00:44:21,407
That's a big 10-4.
800
00:44:25,037 --> 00:44:27,955
Hey, my man. I got a big date
tonight. I'm here to pick up my ride.
801
00:44:28,457 --> 00:44:29,582
License and registration?
802
00:44:29,750 --> 00:44:30,833
Yes, sir.
803
00:44:31,168 --> 00:44:33,753
She's gonna freak out
when she sees my wheels.
804
00:44:35,422 --> 00:44:38,549
Total impound fees
come to $3,496.
805
00:44:38,634 --> 00:44:39,676
Plus 35 bucks for the tow.
806
00:44:39,760 --> 00:44:40,760
What?
807
00:44:40,844 --> 00:44:43,388
Three thousand, man... That's
more than I paid for the whole car!
808
00:44:43,472 --> 00:44:46,057
Oh. Hmm. Interesting.
809
00:44:46,141 --> 00:44:47,850
You want it or not?
Yeah, but...
810
00:44:47,935 --> 00:44:50,103
I think that all I got's,
like, 450 bucks.
811
00:44:50,437 --> 00:44:52,647
This is a business.
This is not a charity.
812
00:44:52,898 --> 00:44:55,233
Maybe one day UNICEF will
get into the impound business.
813
00:44:55,317 --> 00:44:57,777
(FLY BUZZING) But until
then, we're the people to see.
814
00:44:59,905 --> 00:45:01,364
I'll tell you what I could do.
815
00:45:01,448 --> 00:45:04,951
I could sell you a car
for 450 bucks, but
816
00:45:05,285 --> 00:45:07,412
it ain't gonna be no Hemi.
817
00:45:07,496 --> 00:45:09,789
(ENGINE STARTS)
818
00:45:20,801 --> 00:45:22,927
I thought you had a Hemi.
819
00:45:23,011 --> 00:45:26,597
Yeah, I had to have a
footprint gas pedal installed.
820
00:45:26,682 --> 00:45:28,891
So I stole this pile.
821
00:45:28,976 --> 00:45:31,811
Oh. My outlaw.
822
00:45:33,981 --> 00:45:36,065
That's right. Let's go.
823
00:45:42,072 --> 00:45:44,407
So, I had fun tonight.
824
00:45:44,491 --> 00:45:47,618
Even though you took me to the
carnival that I was already at.
825
00:45:48,746 --> 00:45:51,080
Yeah, I had fun too. Hey,
listen. Can I ask you a question?
826
00:45:51,165 --> 00:45:52,248
Mm-hmm.
827
00:45:52,332 --> 00:45:55,626
If I told you you had a beautiful
body, would you hold it against me?
828
00:45:55,711 --> 00:45:57,170
Sure would.
829
00:45:57,254 --> 00:45:59,130
Wanna go to my place?
Sure do.
830
00:46:01,049 --> 00:46:02,383
(GIGGLING)
831
00:46:03,635 --> 00:46:07,472
All right. Finish your story. Why
do you live with foster parents?
832
00:46:07,556 --> 00:46:10,057
Well, because when I was,
like, nine or ten years old
833
00:46:10,142 --> 00:46:12,894
my parents pulled over on the side of
the road to look at that big dinosaur
834
00:46:12,978 --> 00:46:14,604
out there in California,
Mm-hmm.
835
00:46:14,688 --> 00:46:16,314
And the next thing I knew,
they were gone.
836
00:46:17,691 --> 00:46:19,066
Wait a minute.
Did you have a brother?
837
00:46:19,151 --> 00:46:21,110
Mm-hmm. I did.
838
00:46:21,195 --> 00:46:22,987
So, you wanna go back
in the house?
839
00:46:23,781 --> 00:46:25,198
We can have sex.
(CHUCKLES)
840
00:46:25,282 --> 00:46:27,617
(WHIRRING)
841
00:46:28,577 --> 00:46:31,954
She's your sister, dude. She's gotta
be. And you made out with her, man!
842
00:46:32,039 --> 00:46:34,457
What's wrong with you,
you pervert?
843
00:46:35,209 --> 00:46:37,877
Well, I didn't know she was
my sister when I kissed her.
844
00:46:37,961 --> 00:46:41,589
So it's not my fault. And she's one
of the hottest girls on the planet.
845
00:46:43,050 --> 00:46:44,801
You just said
your sister's hot!
846
00:46:44,885 --> 00:46:47,678
What a freak!
You're goin' to hell, man!
847
00:46:49,056 --> 00:46:51,682
I got to tell her what
happened, why I got weird.
848
00:46:52,392 --> 00:46:55,812
And for God's sakes, I got to
treat her like a sister.
849
00:46:55,896 --> 00:46:59,148
(WOMAN MOANING)
(BED SPRING SQUEAKING)
850
00:46:59,233 --> 00:47:00,233
Joe...
851
00:47:00,692 --> 00:47:02,652
ALL: Oh!
Joe, no!
852
00:47:02,736 --> 00:47:04,946
We've got questions comin'
in from... (PHONES RINGING)
853
00:47:05,030 --> 00:47:07,657
Boss, the phones are goin'
nuts. That was a bombshell.
854
00:47:07,741 --> 00:47:11,077
Wait, wait, man. I found out
later that she wasn't my sister.
855
00:47:11,161 --> 00:47:12,870
Oh, thank God!
856
00:47:12,955 --> 00:47:16,123
Thank God, dude! That was
gonna be a little much.
857
00:47:17,584 --> 00:47:19,126
So I did a real
bad thing there,
858
00:47:20,879 --> 00:47:22,839
'cause I think you're
my sister.
859
00:47:24,007 --> 00:47:26,008
Is that all?
No!
860
00:47:26,635 --> 00:47:30,096
My family's last name is Buckwalter.
My brother's name is Cletis.
861
00:47:30,180 --> 00:47:34,058
So, you see, we're not
related. We can have sex again.
862
00:47:34,142 --> 00:47:37,436
(GEORGE THOROGOOD'S
BAD TO THE BONE PLAYS)
863
00:47:37,521 --> 00:47:40,982
(MUSIC DISTORTS, STOPS)
864
00:47:41,066 --> 00:47:43,442
Joe, what's the matter?
Don't I turn you on?
865
00:47:44,611 --> 00:47:46,988
I don't know
what the problem is.
866
00:47:47,072 --> 00:47:50,658
Well, would it help if you went
back to thinkin' I'm your sister?
867
00:47:50,742 --> 00:47:53,578
Like I'm some sort of
white-trash perv?
868
00:47:53,662 --> 00:47:56,080
I'm your sister!
I'm your sister!
869
00:47:56,164 --> 00:47:58,207
DIRT: Oh, you're my sister!
870
00:47:58,292 --> 00:48:00,209
Oh, no!
I'm kiddin', I'm kiddin'.
871
00:48:00,294 --> 00:48:03,546
I just made that last part up for
laughs, you guys, I'm tellin' you.
872
00:48:03,630 --> 00:48:06,173
(LAUGHING)
Let's break it off for today.
873
00:48:06,258 --> 00:48:10,803
You haul your mangy ass in here
tomorrow morning, and we will continue
874
00:48:10,888 --> 00:48:14,891
the fascinating saga
that I'm now referring to as
875
00:48:14,975 --> 00:48:18,477
"The Legend of Dirty Joe. "
(LAUGHING AND CLAPPING)
876
00:48:42,210 --> 00:48:45,504
Hi, this is Brandy. I'm not here
right now. Please leave a message.
877
00:48:45,589 --> 00:48:46,589
(BEEPS)
878
00:48:46,965 --> 00:48:50,843
Hey, Brandy, it's Joe.
I'm out in L.A.
879
00:48:50,928 --> 00:48:54,138
They got me on a radio station
tellin' my story to everybody.
880
00:48:55,182 --> 00:48:57,808
I didn't get
to the sad part yet.
881
00:48:57,893 --> 00:49:00,519
I'm guessin' you had reasons
for doin' what you did.
882
00:49:02,814 --> 00:49:05,024
And I guess I'm just callin'
to say goodbye.
883
00:49:06,818 --> 00:49:08,945
I miss you, Brandy.
884
00:49:09,905 --> 00:49:11,197
Okay.
885
00:49:22,542 --> 00:49:26,087
MAN: You're listening to
The Zander Kelly Show on KXLA.
886
00:49:26,171 --> 00:49:29,173
ZANDER: Good morning, L.A.
Zander here. We're sittin' with
887
00:49:29,257 --> 00:49:31,968
the king of all dirt-balls,
Mr. Joe Dirt.
888
00:49:32,052 --> 00:49:35,304
You know, last night when I went
home, rented The Andromeda Strain,
889
00:49:35,389 --> 00:49:39,308
just so I could simulate immersion
into that bacteriologically unsound
890
00:49:39,393 --> 00:49:41,769
world you call your day-to-day
life. And I feel like
891
00:49:41,853 --> 00:49:44,563
I know where you live. I've
got you in my crosshairs now.
892
00:49:44,648 --> 00:49:47,274
Uh, we're gonna go back
to your story, pick it up.
893
00:49:47,359 --> 00:49:50,027
What really happened was,
I had a car now
894
00:49:50,112 --> 00:49:52,947
so I left the carnival and kept
runnin' down the names on my list
895
00:49:53,031 --> 00:49:55,700
lookin' for people who took
those photos at the Grand Canyon.
896
00:49:55,784 --> 00:49:58,244
Somewhere in Indiana
I hit a little snag.
897
00:49:58,412 --> 00:50:01,747
I found a guy who had pictures,
but he turned out to be a freak.
898
00:50:03,125 --> 00:50:07,294
I guess this is the place.
Buffalo Bob's kind of a weird name.
899
00:50:07,379 --> 00:50:10,589
But people say Joe Dirt's a
weird name, and how cool am I?
900
00:50:11,466 --> 00:50:12,675
Excuse me, sir.
901
00:50:12,801 --> 00:50:14,010
Hey, there, young fella.
902
00:50:14,094 --> 00:50:17,054
Hey. I'm lookin' for a guy
named Buffalo Bob.
903
00:50:17,139 --> 00:50:19,640
Real name's Tim.
How can I help you?
904
00:50:19,725 --> 00:50:22,393
Well, I wanted to talk to you about
the time you went to the Grand Canyon.
905
00:50:22,477 --> 00:50:26,063
Sure. Why don't you come on inside?
What'd you say your name was?
906
00:50:26,148 --> 00:50:30,735
Joe Dirt.
907
00:50:30,819 --> 00:50:32,319
It puts the lotion on!
908
00:50:32,946 --> 00:50:36,032
You have no idea what kind
of hell I can bring you!
909
00:50:36,116 --> 00:50:37,700
Oh, all right!
910
00:50:37,784 --> 00:50:41,996
Enough, you broken record! Okay! I've
been down here for two weeks, man.
911
00:50:42,080 --> 00:50:43,205
What do you want?
912
00:50:43,290 --> 00:50:46,208
It puts the lotion
on its skin, now!
913
00:50:46,293 --> 00:50:49,920
Well, say it, don't spray it,
brother! Dang.
914
00:50:50,005 --> 00:50:51,130
I need a towel now.
915
00:50:51,214 --> 00:50:53,132
It does what it's told!
916
00:50:55,135 --> 00:50:58,554
There. Look. I'm puttin'
the lotion on the skin.
917
00:50:58,638 --> 00:51:02,058
I'm rubbin' it in.
(DOG WHIMPERING)
918
00:51:03,810 --> 00:51:07,229
Hey, to tell you the truth,
brother, between you and me,
919
00:51:07,314 --> 00:51:10,274
that thing with the dog
is comin' off a little fruity.
920
00:51:11,485 --> 00:51:13,611
That's just me talkin'.
I don't...
921
00:51:13,945 --> 00:51:15,362
Where's my supplies?
922
00:51:15,447 --> 00:51:18,032
Yeah. Come on, man.
I thought we had a deal.
923
00:51:18,116 --> 00:51:21,285
Aw, for Christ's sake!
Here!
924
00:51:21,369 --> 00:51:24,622
Ha-ha-ha!
Whee, Auto Trader!
925
00:51:25,248 --> 00:51:27,291
Ooh, August.
I don't got this one.
926
00:51:27,375 --> 00:51:30,628
There's some deals in here.
Oh, check this out. A '71 'Cuda,
927
00:51:30,712 --> 00:51:32,254
plum crazy purple.
928
00:51:32,339 --> 00:51:34,256
This guy wants 14 grand.
929
00:51:34,341 --> 00:51:35,925
What?
930
00:51:36,009 --> 00:51:39,470
I'd give him 7,500. I used to have
one of these. This guy's crazy.
931
00:51:39,554 --> 00:51:42,765
MAN ON BULLHORN: We've got the place
surrounded. Come out with your hands in the air.
932
00:51:42,849 --> 00:51:44,016
Uh-oh.
933
00:51:45,894 --> 00:51:48,437
Hey, a little help? MAN:
There he is, boys! Get him!
934
00:51:48,522 --> 00:51:50,481
Get him!
Man in the hole.
935
00:51:51,525 --> 00:51:52,900
Down here.
936
00:51:53,026 --> 00:51:54,401
MAN: Stay on your back!
937
00:51:54,486 --> 00:51:55,986
I hear people.
938
00:51:57,364 --> 00:52:01,200
Hey, it puts the Joe Dirt
in the hole.
939
00:52:02,452 --> 00:52:05,663
COP: Yeah, he was gonna flay you alive,
then use your skin to cover himself
940
00:52:05,747 --> 00:52:07,873
like a Joe Dirt trench coat.
941
00:52:07,999 --> 00:52:09,375
Oh, yeah?
That's gross, man.
942
00:52:09,459 --> 00:52:11,877
I think these are pictures
from the Grand Canyon.
943
00:52:11,962 --> 00:52:14,088
Yeah, he's been takin' hundreds
of photos over the years,
944
00:52:14,172 --> 00:52:15,798
lookin' for skin
that he liked.
945
00:52:15,882 --> 00:52:17,550
Then he was gonna
wear the skin around the house
946
00:52:17,676 --> 00:52:19,301
with his wiener tucked under,
kinda like a woman.
947
00:52:20,011 --> 00:52:21,637
That's sick, man.
948
00:52:21,721 --> 00:52:24,223
I think that's little me
in the garbage can!
949
00:52:25,392 --> 00:52:28,727
No way. And that's my...
my dad and my mom.
950
00:52:28,812 --> 00:52:29,895
And this is our car,
951
00:52:30,897 --> 00:52:33,566
and it's got...
Louisiana plates.
952
00:52:33,650 --> 00:52:35,985
Hell, yeah, I'm going
to Louisiana, brother!
953
00:52:41,449 --> 00:52:44,451
So, I cruised down south to New
Orleans and found a base of operations
954
00:52:44,536 --> 00:52:47,163
for my search
at a local grade school.
955
00:52:47,247 --> 00:52:48,956
I was gonna be a janitor.
956
00:52:49,791 --> 00:52:53,586
Mostly mopping. Once in a while
you got a problem with the boiler.
957
00:52:53,670 --> 00:52:56,297
You have to hit it with a
hammer, but it's a good job.
958
00:52:56,381 --> 00:52:58,799
That's all right.
I appreciate this job, man.
959
00:52:58,884 --> 00:53:02,511
This'll be a good base for me here in
Louisiana while I look for my parents.
960
00:53:02,596 --> 00:53:04,180
I got a picture of 'em.
961
00:53:10,562 --> 00:53:12,855
I don't recognize them.
962
00:53:12,939 --> 00:53:15,941
If you find them, are you gonna
tell 'em what happened to you?
963
00:53:17,736 --> 00:53:21,447
Oh. That Buffalo Bob thing?
There's not much to tell.
964
00:53:21,531 --> 00:53:25,576
I heard some things. It's
not good. He's a bad guy.
965
00:53:25,660 --> 00:53:27,870
What... What exactly
did you hear?
966
00:53:27,954 --> 00:53:30,122
The past is past,
the future's now.
967
00:53:31,291 --> 00:53:33,959
That's true.
Amen to that.
968
00:53:34,753 --> 00:53:37,296
Clem, are you from around here?
'Cause your accent sounds like
969
00:53:37,380 --> 00:53:38,756
New York or somethin'.
970
00:53:38,882 --> 00:53:40,216
No. I'm from here.
971
00:53:40,300 --> 00:53:43,594
Born and raised.
No, not here.
972
00:53:43,678 --> 00:53:45,387
Over in Kansas.
973
00:53:48,225 --> 00:53:49,475
Is this your wife?
974
00:53:49,643 --> 00:53:50,893
Ex-wife.
975
00:53:50,977 --> 00:53:52,770
She was shot six times.
976
00:53:52,854 --> 00:53:55,147
New York City.
I mean, Kansas.
977
00:53:57,150 --> 00:54:01,528
She was somethin'. Her eyes
were somethin'. Azure, you know.
978
00:54:01,613 --> 00:54:04,198
Honey-blonde hair.
Her body...
979
00:54:05,492 --> 00:54:08,202
Her legs went on for days.
980
00:54:08,286 --> 00:54:13,249
If she was here right now, maybe
we'd have a house with a little fence
981
00:54:13,333 --> 00:54:15,834
up in Silvertown,
that place you talk about.
982
00:54:16,127 --> 00:54:17,544
That's a nice place.
983
00:54:19,381 --> 00:54:22,049
You, uh...
you really loved her, huh.
984
00:54:22,133 --> 00:54:23,592
You might say that.
Yeah.
985
00:54:23,885 --> 00:54:27,179
(BUZZING) WOMAN: Clem, a kid
puked in the cafeteria again.
986
00:54:27,264 --> 00:54:29,807
We need a cleanup
right away.
987
00:54:29,891 --> 00:54:31,141
I'm on it!
988
00:54:34,062 --> 00:54:35,104
That's you.
989
00:54:35,188 --> 00:54:36,188
Oh.
990
00:54:38,566 --> 00:54:42,111
Whoa! Hey, I'm Joe.
Where's the throw-up?
991
00:54:42,195 --> 00:54:44,113
Over there in the middle
of the lunch room.
992
00:54:44,197 --> 00:54:46,824
Hey, I'll get that cleaned up
lickety-split.
993
00:54:46,908 --> 00:54:49,952
Speakin' of lickety-split, let's
meet up later, see what's goin' on.
994
00:54:50,036 --> 00:54:52,454
I'm kiddin'.
But seriously, let's hook up.
995
00:54:52,539 --> 00:54:56,000
I'm new in town, kinda lonely,
lookin' for my parents.
996
00:54:57,127 --> 00:54:59,545
Yeah. Well, the puke pile's
right over there.
997
00:54:59,629 --> 00:55:01,797
It's a pretty big
pile of puke.
998
00:55:01,881 --> 00:55:04,216
So, clean the puke.
Okay.
999
00:55:05,719 --> 00:55:08,220
Well, well,
lookie here.
1000
00:55:09,597 --> 00:55:11,765
Corn off the cob.
(CHUCKLES)
1001
00:55:14,144 --> 00:55:15,936
This kid should get
his money back.
1002
00:55:16,062 --> 00:55:19,815
Look! The janitor's gonna eat
the puke! They're hilarious, huh?
1003
00:55:19,899 --> 00:55:22,484
I assure you I won't. I'm a
vegetarian, and it looks like
1004
00:55:22,569 --> 00:55:23,902
there's some meat in there.
1005
00:55:24,904 --> 00:55:28,115
I like kids. They seem
to like... (LAUGHING)
1006
00:55:28,199 --> 00:55:29,867
They seem to like me.
1007
00:55:31,369 --> 00:55:33,746
(LAUGHING)
1008
00:55:34,372 --> 00:55:36,874
I'll try the old
reverse psychology.
1009
00:55:38,626 --> 00:55:41,587
I like gettin' hit with hot
dogs. It don't bother me none.
1010
00:55:41,755 --> 00:55:43,714
Oh! Stop it!
1011
00:55:44,549 --> 00:55:46,967
I guess I'm lucky it wasn't
hot chili day today.
1012
00:55:48,261 --> 00:55:49,595
Aah!
1013
00:55:49,888 --> 00:55:52,306
Okay, class, let's hear
what these results are.
1014
00:55:52,390 --> 00:55:55,851
If my calculations are
correct, this will create ice.
1015
00:55:56,519 --> 00:55:58,812
(COUGHING)
Oh, no!
1016
00:55:58,938 --> 00:56:01,440
Killer mustard gas!
1017
00:56:01,524 --> 00:56:03,400
(R&B PLAYING)
1018
00:56:07,822 --> 00:56:09,281
(MUSIC STOPS)
1019
00:56:09,366 --> 00:56:11,408
What'd you say?
Whoa.
1020
00:56:12,786 --> 00:56:14,870
You're talkin' to me
all wrong. It's...
1021
00:56:15,747 --> 00:56:17,289
It's the wrong tone.
1022
00:56:17,916 --> 00:56:21,210
You do it again, I'll stab you
in the face with a soldering iron.
1023
00:56:21,294 --> 00:56:22,586
Is that right?
1024
00:56:22,670 --> 00:56:24,880
Let me ask you somethin', huh.
1025
00:56:26,383 --> 00:56:28,133
Does your mother sew?
1026
00:56:29,219 --> 00:56:30,844
Boom!
1027
00:56:30,929 --> 00:56:33,097
Get her to sew that!
1028
00:56:34,265 --> 00:56:36,058
(GAS HISSING)
1029
00:56:36,810 --> 00:56:37,976
(PEOPLE COUGHING)
1030
00:56:38,061 --> 00:56:39,311
Whoa!
1031
00:56:39,813 --> 00:56:43,065
You'd think those stupid punks could
come up with somethin' funnier than
1032
00:56:43,149 --> 00:56:45,734
"Don't eat it! Don't eat it!
Here's a hot dog!"
1033
00:56:45,819 --> 00:56:47,820
(BELL RINGING)
(COUGHING)
1034
00:56:47,904 --> 00:56:49,988
(RINGING CONTINUES)
1035
00:56:53,910 --> 00:56:56,036
Whoa, whoa.
Hey, what's goin' on, man?
1036
00:56:56,121 --> 00:56:57,663
Did you kick their asses?
1037
00:56:57,747 --> 00:56:59,415
He saved us from the mustard gas. Whoa.
1038
00:56:59,499 --> 00:57:00,499
You saved our lives, Clem.
1039
00:57:00,625 --> 00:57:01,583
Whoa!
1040
00:57:01,668 --> 00:57:04,545
Not me!
That's the guy!
1041
00:57:04,671 --> 00:57:08,132
No, you're the one that carried
us out. Shut up, you hard-on.
1042
00:57:08,842 --> 00:57:11,009
That's the guy!
That's the hero!
1043
00:57:11,094 --> 00:57:14,179
All right, well, then,
thank God for Joe Dirt.
1044
00:57:14,264 --> 00:57:15,389
Oh, no, man, It wasn't me.
1045
00:57:15,515 --> 00:57:16,640
That's Joe Dirt!
1046
00:57:16,724 --> 00:57:19,435
Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!
1047
00:57:19,519 --> 00:57:22,646
Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!
(CHANTING, CHEERING)
1048
00:57:24,190 --> 00:57:26,358
Come on, Joe Dirt!
1049
00:57:26,443 --> 00:57:28,318
MAN: How does it feel
to be a hero, Joe?
1050
00:57:28,403 --> 00:57:30,988
WOMAN: Over here, Mr. Dirt.
Oh, uh, well, it's like this.
1051
00:57:31,072 --> 00:57:35,826
MAN: Probably feels good, especially
after that brutal run-in with Buffalo Bob.
1052
00:57:35,910 --> 00:57:38,495
I don't know why you ask about
that guy. Nothin' happened.
1053
00:57:38,580 --> 00:57:39,997
WOMAN: That's not
what I heard.
1054
00:57:40,081 --> 00:57:42,124
WOMAN 2: What's the deal with
your haircut, Joe?
1055
00:57:42,208 --> 00:57:44,460
It's a wig. I was born
without the top of my skull.
1056
00:57:44,544 --> 00:57:47,171
Everybody, I'm lookin'
for my parents.
1057
00:57:47,255 --> 00:57:51,091
Here's a picture of them. It's taken
15 years ago at the Grand Canyon.
1058
00:57:51,176 --> 00:57:54,887
If anybody has any information
on the whereabouts of 'em,
1059
00:57:54,971 --> 00:57:58,307
please call this number, okay.
You might get a machine.
1060
00:57:58,391 --> 00:58:01,435
But if a girl answers, her
name's Brandy. Give her your info.
1061
00:58:01,519 --> 00:58:04,229
I appreciate any help
I can get.
1062
00:58:04,355 --> 00:58:07,274
That bein' said,
here's the real scoop.
1063
00:58:07,358 --> 00:58:09,193
I ain't the guy
that saved them kids.
1064
00:58:09,277 --> 00:58:11,361
WOMAN: Oh, my God.
1065
00:58:11,446 --> 00:58:13,947
I'm sorry, man.
Here's the real hero.
1066
00:58:15,033 --> 00:58:17,951
His name's Clem Doore, and
he's from Josette, Louisiana.
1067
00:58:18,244 --> 00:58:19,495
He's a friend of mine.
1068
00:58:19,621 --> 00:58:20,829
Oh, no.
1069
00:58:20,914 --> 00:58:23,123
He's your real hero,
people, not me.
1070
00:58:23,917 --> 00:58:26,251
(TIRE SQUEALS)
1071
00:58:27,921 --> 00:58:30,547
Let's go. Come on, come on.
Move it, move it.
1072
00:58:30,632 --> 00:58:34,510
Move your asses. Come on. Okay,
this is where that rat bastard lives.
1073
00:58:34,594 --> 00:58:36,762
You two shoot him low,
you shoot him high.
1074
00:58:36,846 --> 00:58:39,014
I'm gonna shoot him right through
his heart. All right, let's go.
1075
00:58:39,098 --> 00:58:40,349
(GUN SHOT)
1076
00:58:40,433 --> 00:58:43,310
Come on, let's move it!
Kick it in! Kick it in!
1077
00:58:46,606 --> 00:58:49,650
(GUN SHOTS, SHATTERING)
1078
00:59:01,746 --> 00:59:03,580
Hey, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
1079
00:59:03,706 --> 00:59:06,041
What happened here? Don't
I know you from somewhere?
1080
00:59:06,125 --> 00:59:07,793
I don't know. What's goin' on?
1081
00:59:07,877 --> 00:59:10,420
Wait a minute, yeah. You're that
guy that had that run-in with that
1082
00:59:10,505 --> 00:59:12,297
psycho over in Indiana.
Buffalo Bob, right?
1083
00:59:12,674 --> 00:59:15,884
Yeah. It was really no
big deal. No big deal?
1084
00:59:16,469 --> 00:59:17,719
That's not what I heard.
1085
00:59:17,845 --> 00:59:19,096
Is Clem all right?
1086
00:59:19,180 --> 00:59:20,639
No, he's dead.
1087
00:59:20,723 --> 00:59:22,099
He's dead?
Man, what happened?
1088
00:59:22,183 --> 00:59:25,394
Your buddy Clem's real name
was Anthony Benedetti.
1089
00:59:25,478 --> 00:59:28,522
He was the former boss of
the Cammalleri crime family.
1090
00:59:28,606 --> 00:59:31,775
He was in town here on the
Federal witness relocation program.
1091
00:59:31,859 --> 00:59:32,985
What?
1092
00:59:33,069 --> 00:59:34,736
He turned informer when the
Syndicate executed his wife.
1093
00:59:34,821 --> 00:59:37,489
His old cronies must've
somehow found he was down here
1094
00:59:37,574 --> 00:59:39,741
and they came and killed him.
1095
00:59:39,826 --> 00:59:41,577
He killed all them too.
1096
00:59:41,661 --> 00:59:43,620
Uh, it's a big mess.
1097
00:59:46,082 --> 00:59:48,625
Oh, my God, man.
This is my fault.
1098
00:59:48,710 --> 00:59:50,669
Hey, hey, hey! Whoa!
Whoa, whoa.
1099
00:59:52,463 --> 00:59:55,173
Can you be cool and let me just
talk to him for a second here, man?
1100
00:59:55,717 --> 00:59:57,718
He's a friend of mine.
This whole thing's my fault.
1101
00:59:57,802 --> 00:59:59,595
All right, go ahead.
1102
00:59:59,679 --> 01:00:01,346
Clem, I didn't know you didn't
wanna be on TV.
1103
01:00:01,431 --> 01:00:05,309
I was just tryin' to get the word out
about my parents, man. I'm so sorry.
1104
01:00:05,393 --> 01:00:07,477
But maybe you'll find
your wife in heaven.
1105
01:00:07,562 --> 01:00:10,397
She'll be just how
you remembered her.
1106
01:00:10,481 --> 01:00:12,566
Them big doe eyes.
1107
01:00:13,776 --> 01:00:16,153
That soft honey-blonde hair.
1108
01:00:17,071 --> 01:00:19,239
Smooth tan skin.
1109
01:00:20,533 --> 01:00:22,284
Huge pert rack.
1110
01:00:22,952 --> 01:00:26,496
Long legs goin' up
to that tight butt.
1111
01:00:27,707 --> 01:00:30,000
Mmm. Mmm.
Mmm.
1112
01:00:31,628 --> 01:00:34,546
Clem, you asshole.
Are you alive?
1113
01:00:36,674 --> 01:00:39,468
Shh. They're pretending I'm
dead so's they can move me.
1114
01:00:39,552 --> 01:00:42,721
I just didn't know you were in this
witness protection thing, brother.
1115
01:00:42,805 --> 01:00:44,848
I never would have said
your name on TV, man.
1116
01:00:44,932 --> 01:00:47,976
It's okay. I felt it was time
to move on anyway, you know.
1117
01:00:48,728 --> 01:00:51,521
Maybe find a better town.
1118
01:00:52,774 --> 01:00:56,943
Joe, there's somethin' you should think
about. I was thinkin' about that car.
1119
01:00:57,028 --> 01:00:59,488
The Rambler wagon.
That's a rare car.
1120
01:01:00,198 --> 01:01:03,158
People would remember
selling a car like that.
1121
01:01:03,242 --> 01:01:04,910
MAN: Where's that dead guy?
1122
01:01:04,994 --> 01:01:06,953
Wait, wait, Joe.
Wait.
1123
01:01:07,705 --> 01:01:09,873
Take care,
Joe Dirt.
1124
01:01:11,125 --> 01:01:13,043
Whoa. Watch my hair.
1125
01:01:14,545 --> 01:01:18,965
Yep, those came with a six-cylinder
258 automatic with three on the tree.
1126
01:01:19,050 --> 01:01:21,426
Sweet-lookin' little things,
weren't they?
1127
01:01:21,511 --> 01:01:23,595
For sure, man.
How many?
1128
01:01:23,680 --> 01:01:25,681
Well, that's what
I'm tryin' to call up here.
1129
01:01:25,765 --> 01:01:30,310
Now let's see.
In Louisiana, 1968, we sold...
1130
01:01:30,812 --> 01:01:33,772
Wee, doggy! Seventy-three
of those little buggers.
1131
01:01:33,856 --> 01:01:37,567
Now you tell me your daddy's name, and I'll
tell you the dealership where he bought it.
1132
01:01:37,944 --> 01:01:41,196
That's just it. I don't know his name.
That's what I'm tryin' to find out.
1133
01:01:41,280 --> 01:01:43,240
Oh. Well, then...
1134
01:01:43,908 --> 01:01:49,121
The best I can do is give you a printout
of all 73 people who bought the car.
1135
01:01:49,831 --> 01:01:53,625
Later, if you come up with their
last name, you can go on from there.
1136
01:01:53,710 --> 01:01:58,213
By the way, I'm only doin' all of this
'cause I heard that Buffalo Bob guy shoved
1137
01:01:58,297 --> 01:02:00,924
a road flare up your bunghole. What?
1138
01:02:01,801 --> 01:02:05,637
Hoorah. What... I keep
hearin' about this guy.
1139
01:02:05,722 --> 01:02:08,682
Nothin' happened with him.
Nothin' weird. Nothin'.
1140
01:02:09,559 --> 01:02:13,061
DIRT: Anyway, that list had
names from all over the state.
1141
01:02:13,146 --> 01:02:15,981
But I was flat broke. I
didn't have no money for gas.
1142
01:02:16,065 --> 01:02:19,484
So, I found a job, and that led to
the biggest break In my case yet.
1143
01:02:20,862 --> 01:02:22,487
I don't know, Joe.
1144
01:02:23,281 --> 01:02:27,200
The way you describe that town
out in the northwest, Silvertown.
1145
01:02:27,285 --> 01:02:29,828
Hell, I have half a mind
to move there myself.
1146
01:02:30,872 --> 01:02:32,080
Can I ask you a question?
1147
01:02:32,206 --> 01:02:33,415
Sure, honey. Shoot.
1148
01:02:34,792 --> 01:02:36,501
Your mom and dad still alive.
1149
01:02:36,627 --> 01:02:38,336
No.
1150
01:02:39,672 --> 01:02:41,006
Did they die?
1151
01:02:42,341 --> 01:02:46,595
One night, they got swallowed up by
the biggest damn gator we ever had.
1152
01:02:46,679 --> 01:02:47,804
No.
1153
01:02:47,889 --> 01:02:49,848
Before they died,
they killed that gator
1154
01:02:49,932 --> 01:02:52,768
from the inside by punchin'
out his heart, is my guess.
1155
01:02:52,852 --> 01:02:53,935
That's brutal.
1156
01:02:54,020 --> 01:02:55,145
The brutal part?
1157
01:02:55,229 --> 01:02:57,606
Later that night, I took
my mama's hedge clippers
1158
01:02:57,690 --> 01:03:00,233
and cut open that gator and
pulled my folks out of its belly.
1159
01:03:00,359 --> 01:03:03,820
(GASPS) See, I just couldn't
stand the thought of my parents
1160
01:03:03,905 --> 01:03:06,072
being turned into
alligator shit.
1161
01:03:07,116 --> 01:03:09,159
God, I hate these
nasty things!
1162
01:03:10,620 --> 01:03:12,662
BOY: Hurry up, Phillip.
1163
01:03:12,747 --> 01:03:14,039
If I met the right man...
1164
01:03:14,916 --> 01:03:20,587
I mean, hell, I'd just shut
this old gator farm down and...
1165
01:03:21,798 --> 01:03:24,716
But, you know, you probably don't
wanna hear all my problems, huh.
1166
01:03:24,801 --> 01:03:28,595
MAN ON P.A SYSTEM: Folks, grab the
kids. The gator show's about to start.
1167
01:03:28,679 --> 01:03:31,223
Yeah. Well, I'd better go.
It's show time.
1168
01:03:35,186 --> 01:03:39,064
There's three things to remember
when dealin' with a deadly alligator.
1169
01:03:39,148 --> 01:03:41,817
And, yes, they are deadly.
Don't kid yourself.
1170
01:03:41,901 --> 01:03:45,654
Rule number one,
I'm number one.
1171
01:03:45,738 --> 01:03:48,865
(SNARLING) You hear that?
I like to kid around.
1172
01:03:48,950 --> 01:03:51,952
Rule two. The croc's number
two. Now, before I begin...
1173
01:03:52,119 --> 01:03:56,206
Hey, what's rule three? What's
that? Kid, give me a break now.
1174
01:03:56,290 --> 01:03:57,582
So, you don't know rule three?
1175
01:03:57,750 --> 01:03:59,000
Yeah, you want a match.
1176
01:03:59,085 --> 01:04:02,003
My face and your ass.
How about that, friend, huh.
1177
01:04:02,088 --> 01:04:05,549
I mean, your ass and my face.
What's up? Here we go.
1178
01:04:05,675 --> 01:04:09,386
I'm a bit of a crocophile,
so don't try this at home.
1179
01:04:10,555 --> 01:04:13,682
This here's Rocky,
and he ain't no puppy.
1180
01:04:14,559 --> 01:04:18,186
Now, let's see if Rocky's
got some cavities. Ahh.
1181
01:04:18,271 --> 01:04:19,688
(GASPS)
1182
01:04:19,772 --> 01:04:24,401
Now, this mofo knows not to
mess with Sir Joseph Dirt.
1183
01:04:24,485 --> 01:04:28,196
Aah! You didn't listen to me!
1184
01:04:28,281 --> 01:04:30,156
Aah! Aah!
1185
01:04:32,535 --> 01:04:35,328
Rocky! Rocky! No!
1186
01:04:35,413 --> 01:04:37,497
Come on, eh.
Rocky!
1187
01:04:37,582 --> 01:04:40,667
Rocky!
Oh!
1188
01:04:40,751 --> 01:04:44,212
Aah! Aah!
1189
01:04:44,547 --> 01:04:47,007
(CHEERING)
1190
01:04:47,091 --> 01:04:50,635
Oh, when bad pets
go bad, dang!
1191
01:04:51,804 --> 01:04:53,930
Oh, Joe, are you all right?
1192
01:04:55,016 --> 01:04:58,727
(MUTTERING)
1193
01:04:59,896 --> 01:05:02,731
It's like the cartoons.
I'm seein' all tweet-tweet.
1194
01:05:04,066 --> 01:05:05,525
Joe, what can I do for you?
1195
01:05:06,527 --> 01:05:08,153
You're not makin' any sense.
1196
01:05:08,321 --> 01:05:12,741
Not makin'?
1197
01:05:14,452 --> 01:05:17,412
That's why Dad named you
Joe Dirt instead of Nunamaker!
1198
01:05:18,039 --> 01:05:20,957
Nunamaker!
Nunamaker!
1199
01:05:21,876 --> 01:05:25,086
That's what my sister said on
the way to the Grand Canyon.
1200
01:05:25,171 --> 01:05:28,256
My last name's Dirt,
her last name's Nunamaker!
1201
01:05:28,341 --> 01:05:30,175
That's my parents' last name!
1202
01:05:31,260 --> 01:05:34,679
DIRT: I checked my list of Rambler
wagons, and there it was, Nunamaker.
1203
01:05:34,764 --> 01:05:36,765
Baton Rouge,
Louisiana.
1204
01:05:38,351 --> 01:05:39,726
I was finally home.
1205
01:05:48,235 --> 01:05:49,444
Sir.
1206
01:05:49,528 --> 01:05:52,530
Hey, Mister, you know the
people who live here, Nunamaker?
1207
01:05:54,116 --> 01:05:55,200
(WITH LOUISIANA ACCENT)
They moved.
1208
01:05:55,326 --> 01:05:56,368
What's that?
1209
01:05:56,452 --> 01:05:57,744
Moved!
1210
01:05:57,828 --> 01:06:01,706
They moved. 'Bout 15 year ago.
1211
01:06:01,791 --> 01:06:05,543
Had a little boy. Had exact kind
of haircut you got now. (LAUGHING)
1212
01:06:06,712 --> 01:06:10,548
Damn, you outta date, boy. Yeah,
man. That little boy, that's me.
1213
01:06:12,134 --> 01:06:13,927
My parents were...
This was my home.
1214
01:06:15,429 --> 01:06:17,347
I thought this was it
this time.
1215
01:06:17,431 --> 01:06:19,808
Nah. Home is where
you make it.
1216
01:06:20,101 --> 01:06:22,644
You like to see homos naked?
1217
01:06:23,437 --> 01:06:25,230
Home is where you make it.
1218
01:06:25,356 --> 01:06:28,984
You like to see homos naked. That's
cool, man. Whatever. No, no, no, no, no!
1219
01:06:29,068 --> 01:06:31,653
Home is where you make it!
1220
01:06:31,737 --> 01:06:33,071
Home where you make it.
1221
01:06:33,239 --> 01:06:34,572
Oh.
1222
01:06:35,324 --> 01:06:37,701
Everybody know that.
Goddamn, boy.
1223
01:06:39,578 --> 01:06:42,205
Guy likes to see homos naked.
That don't help me.
1224
01:06:46,252 --> 01:06:48,294
(ANIMAL HOWLS)
1225
01:06:52,675 --> 01:06:55,385
DIRT: So, there I was, right back
where I started all those years ago,
1226
01:06:55,469 --> 01:06:57,679
and no closer
to findin' my parents.
1227
01:07:01,100 --> 01:07:03,643
And I think a little part
of me died right there.
1228
01:07:03,728 --> 01:07:06,771
But you know that saying, "Things
get the darkest before dawn"?
1229
01:07:10,443 --> 01:07:12,861
I thought I had broken my ass
bone.
1230
01:07:12,945 --> 01:07:15,739
So, I tried not to move. And I'm
Iyin' there starin' at the moon,
1231
01:07:15,823 --> 01:07:19,534
and for the first time in my life,
I think about not gettin' back up.
1232
01:07:19,618 --> 01:07:22,162
Maybe I'll just lie there for
the rest of my life, you know.
1233
01:07:23,039 --> 01:07:25,957
But then, suddenly,
while starin' up at the moon,
1234
01:07:28,044 --> 01:07:30,545
I had this strange feeling
that exact moment,
1235
01:07:30,629 --> 01:07:32,630
Brandy was starin'
at that same moon.
1236
01:07:32,715 --> 01:07:34,466
And we were together.
1237
01:07:34,550 --> 01:07:37,052
And just then, all the
tumblers fell into place.
1238
01:07:37,136 --> 01:07:41,139
And this door opened in my head, and
all at once I understood everything.
1239
01:07:41,223 --> 01:07:43,558
You have to find the real
answer inside yourself.
1240
01:07:43,642 --> 01:07:46,644
And the answer for me was
that I had a home all along,
1241
01:07:46,854 --> 01:07:51,399
with a friend that really cared about
me. Brandy. I missed her like crazy,
1242
01:07:51,484 --> 01:07:55,195
and I decided it was time to
go home. My search was over.
1243
01:07:57,156 --> 01:07:59,949
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
1244
01:08:02,620 --> 01:08:05,997
DIRT: Brandy, wish I hadn't
gotten the machine. It's me, Joe.
1245
01:08:06,791 --> 01:08:09,000
I got some crazy stuff
to tell you,
1246
01:08:09,085 --> 01:08:13,254
but the most important part is I'm comin'
back to Silvertown. I can't wait to see you
1247
01:08:13,339 --> 01:08:16,257
and tell you everything.
Brandy, I... (BEEP)
1248
01:08:16,342 --> 01:08:18,051
Message deleted.
1249
01:08:35,861 --> 01:08:37,737
Yeah! Whoo!
1250
01:08:48,999 --> 01:08:50,458
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
1251
01:08:51,877 --> 01:08:53,753
Well, well, well.
1252
01:08:53,879 --> 01:08:57,423
If it isn't dirty Joe Dirt.
Hey, Robby, what's crappenin'?
1253
01:08:57,508 --> 01:09:00,802
Don't get smart with me,
you motherless dirtbag!
1254
01:09:00,886 --> 01:09:02,095
You been here long enough.
1255
01:09:02,221 --> 01:09:03,471
I'm here to see Brandy.
1256
01:09:03,556 --> 01:09:08,351
Brandy? My Brandy? You haven't
heard? Me and her are gettin' married.
1257
01:09:08,435 --> 01:09:11,187
Yeah. And besides, she
don't wanna see you anyway.
1258
01:09:11,272 --> 01:09:12,230
I don't believe that.
1259
01:09:12,398 --> 01:09:13,398
Well, it's true.
1260
01:09:13,440 --> 01:09:15,692
She found your stupid parents. What?
1261
01:09:15,776 --> 01:09:19,154
Yeah, she found 'em down in California.
But she didn't wanna tell you,
1262
01:09:19,238 --> 01:09:22,073
'cause she wants you gone, out
on the road lookin' for nothin',
1263
01:09:22,158 --> 01:09:26,411
so you won't be here. She's sick of all
your crap. She's sick of helpin' you.
1264
01:09:26,912 --> 01:09:30,623
And she's just plain sick of
you. No, she wouldn't do that.
1265
01:09:30,749 --> 01:09:33,168
I know Brandy. She wouldn't
not tell me about my parents.
1266
01:09:33,252 --> 01:09:34,836
I don't care how sick of me
she is.
1267
01:09:34,920 --> 01:09:37,422
Yeah well, check out
this note she left me.
1268
01:09:37,506 --> 01:09:39,632
In case you called
and I answered the phone.
1269
01:09:41,760 --> 01:09:43,595
"Dear Robby,
1270
01:09:45,306 --> 01:09:46,931
"if Joe calls,
1271
01:09:47,975 --> 01:09:49,851
"don't tell him
1272
01:09:50,269 --> 01:09:53,938
"I found his parents.
1273
01:09:55,065 --> 01:09:58,610
"I'll be back
in a few days. "
1274
01:09:59,236 --> 01:10:03,489
See, she signed it right
there. "Brandy. XOXO."
1275
01:10:04,658 --> 01:10:07,660
That's right, Dirt.
Nobody wants you in this town.
1276
01:10:07,745 --> 01:10:09,495
Nobody wants you around,
period!
1277
01:10:11,040 --> 01:10:12,040
Aww.
1278
01:10:12,958 --> 01:10:14,918
Look at him, fellas.
(MEN CHUCKLING)
1279
01:10:15,002 --> 01:10:17,378
You cryin', boy?
You cryin', boy?
1280
01:10:17,463 --> 01:10:21,466
Maybe we'll go to McDonald's and get
you a whaa-burger and some French cries!
1281
01:10:22,009 --> 01:10:27,305
How about a Whineken? You little
sissy boy! Def Leppard sucks!
1282
01:10:33,979 --> 01:10:37,398
For the record, I wasn't crying'.
There was dirt in my eyes.
1283
01:10:37,483 --> 01:10:40,151
Joey, it's not cuttin' it,
man. It's jive.
1284
01:10:40,694 --> 01:10:42,946
My story no, man.
Everything I said is true.
1285
01:10:43,030 --> 01:10:45,573
No, not your story.
Brandy. Brandy is jive.
1286
01:10:45,658 --> 01:10:48,326
And I wanna get her on the phone
right now. I wanna track her down.
1287
01:10:48,410 --> 01:10:51,079
And I wanna ask her why she was
playin' these games with you.
1288
01:10:51,163 --> 01:10:52,622
No, man. You don't need
to bother her none.
1289
01:10:52,706 --> 01:10:54,332
Freddy?
Freddy, get line 3 on speaker.
1290
01:10:54,416 --> 01:10:56,251
No. You know what,
guys, I'm fine.
1291
01:10:56,335 --> 01:10:59,587
Everything's cool with me. I got a place
up in Malibu, I got lots of friends.
1292
01:10:59,672 --> 01:11:03,841
I do worry about you, man. You know why?
Because you're livin' In a boiler room, Joe.
1293
01:11:03,926 --> 01:11:05,426
Yeah, I got
a couple places.
1294
01:11:05,511 --> 01:11:10,265
You know what, Joey? I think you... You
know what, I can't believe I'm sayin'...
1295
01:11:10,349 --> 01:11:14,394
I think we need some resolution
here. We need a little closure.
1296
01:11:14,478 --> 01:11:17,105
I wanna get this woman on the
phone, and I wanna ask her what
1297
01:11:17,189 --> 01:11:19,857
the hell was goin' on back
then. Did she find your parents?
1298
01:11:19,942 --> 01:11:23,736
Did she ever track 'em down and if she
did, well, why couldn't she have called you?
1299
01:11:23,821 --> 01:11:26,155
(PHONE RINGING)
BRANDY: Hello.
1300
01:11:27,199 --> 01:11:31,619
Well, well, well, the famous Brandy,
Tokyo Rose of the trailer park.
1301
01:11:32,538 --> 01:11:35,415
Hey, Brandy, I'm sittin' here
with a friend of yours,
1302
01:11:35,499 --> 01:11:39,294
a little white-trash treasure that
you might know by the name of Joe Dirt.
1303
01:11:39,378 --> 01:11:41,212
Ring a bell?
BRANDY: Joe?
1304
01:11:41,297 --> 01:11:44,340
Yeah, Joe. And I don't think
he wants to talk to you, Brandy.
1305
01:11:44,425 --> 01:11:48,011
And you know why? 'Cause over
the last few days, my listeners
1306
01:11:48,095 --> 01:11:50,596
and I have heard
an amazing story.
1307
01:11:50,681 --> 01:11:54,100
You know what? When he first started this
story, I thought of you as a good person.
1308
01:11:54,184 --> 01:11:57,353
But the more it rolled on down
the road, I'm not sure you are
1309
01:11:57,438 --> 01:12:00,940
a good person, Brandy. Why didn't
you tell him you'd found his parents?
1310
01:12:02,067 --> 01:12:05,486
BRANDY: Oh, my God.
How'd he find out?
1311
01:12:05,571 --> 01:12:08,448
So the letter Robby showed
Joe is true? You wrote that?
1312
01:12:09,116 --> 01:12:11,159
BRANDY: Yes, I wrote
that letter,
1313
01:12:12,036 --> 01:12:14,245
because I wanted
to tell Joe in person.
1314
01:12:15,122 --> 01:12:17,206
And months went by,
and he never came home.
1315
01:12:17,541 --> 01:12:20,084
Joe, I did find
where your parents were.
1316
01:12:21,128 --> 01:12:23,963
Joe, brace yourself for this.
1317
01:12:26,216 --> 01:12:28,468
Your parents are dead, Joe.
1318
01:12:29,219 --> 01:12:31,763
They died that day
at the Grand Canyon.
1319
01:12:31,847 --> 01:12:34,140
Their car was hit by a
passin' truck, a hit-and-run.
1320
01:12:34,767 --> 01:12:38,728
I'm so sorry,
but your search is over.
1321
01:12:39,897 --> 01:12:43,733
Come home, Joe,
so I can take care of you.
1322
01:12:46,695 --> 01:12:48,112
Oh, man.
1323
01:12:49,239 --> 01:12:50,239
(SNIFFS)
1324
01:12:52,910 --> 01:12:54,077
I gotta go.
1325
01:12:54,203 --> 01:12:55,203
Sure.
1326
01:12:56,288 --> 01:12:57,914
Thank you.
1327
01:13:01,085 --> 01:13:03,461
All right, we'll, uh...
We'll take a break.
1328
01:13:04,630 --> 01:13:06,506
(PHONE BEEPS)
1329
01:13:13,806 --> 01:13:16,474
MAN: Yeah, he's Joe Dirt!
1330
01:13:16,558 --> 01:13:18,559
(SHOUTING, CHEERING)
1331
01:13:18,644 --> 01:13:21,687
Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!
You rule, Joe!
1332
01:13:28,737 --> 01:13:31,531
You rule! Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!
1333
01:13:32,074 --> 01:13:35,493
Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt! Joe
Dirt! Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!
1334
01:13:41,667 --> 01:13:44,210
The phenomenon
of Joe Dirt has captured
1335
01:13:44,294 --> 01:13:47,755
the city's imagination. The
little man, the ordinary person
1336
01:13:47,881 --> 01:13:51,843
who endured enormous adversity,
and all the while maintained
1337
01:13:51,969 --> 01:13:56,264
his positive outlook on life,
teaching us along the way,
1338
01:13:56,348 --> 01:13:58,850
"You can't have 'no'
in your heart,"
1339
01:13:58,976 --> 01:14:02,854
and "Life's a garden. Dig it.
" Mr. Dirt is seen here meeting
1340
01:14:02,938 --> 01:14:06,107
one of his longtime idols,
Eddie Money.
1341
01:14:06,191 --> 01:14:07,191
(EDDIE MONEY'S
WALK ON WATER PLAYING)
1342
01:14:07,276 --> 01:14:09,819
♪ Well, if I could
walk on water
1343
01:14:10,946 --> 01:14:14,699
♪ And if I could find
some way to prove
1344
01:14:15,117 --> 01:14:20,580
♪ If I could walk on water
would you believe in me
1345
01:14:20,998 --> 01:14:22,915
♪ My love is so true
1346
01:14:27,045 --> 01:14:30,882
♪ Do I have to find
some way to prove
1347
01:14:31,216 --> 01:14:35,928
♪ Do I have to walk on water
Walk on water for you ♪
1348
01:14:36,013 --> 01:14:37,430
Welcome back to TRL.
1349
01:14:37,514 --> 01:14:41,726
We are here with America's sweetheart,
Joe Dirt. Joe? Joe, come back over here.
1350
01:14:41,810 --> 01:14:44,020
Joe!
We have a show to do here.
1351
01:14:44,104 --> 01:14:46,147
People forget we're live. You
like the window, don't you?
1352
01:14:46,231 --> 01:14:47,315
Yeah!
1353
01:14:47,399 --> 01:14:49,650
Joe, before we wrap this up, is
there anything else you wanna say?
1354
01:14:49,776 --> 01:14:51,235
I just wanna say thanks
to all the people that
1355
01:14:51,320 --> 01:14:54,447
stop me in the street and tell
me my story helped them somehow.
1356
01:14:54,615 --> 01:14:58,242
And your story is really cool. It's like
a Behind the Music without the music.
1357
01:14:58,327 --> 01:15:01,412
But are you depressed I mean, your
parents, who you were looking for,
1358
01:15:02,080 --> 01:15:06,501
all along, were dead. Was the
last decade a complete waste?
1359
01:15:06,585 --> 01:15:09,670
Well, uh, no one's really put it
like that, but I don't think so.
1360
01:15:09,755 --> 01:15:13,966
I've had some good times, met some cool
people, cruised around, cranked some tunes.
1361
01:15:14,176 --> 01:15:16,636
What about Brandy Is there any chance
you guys are gonna hook back up?
1362
01:15:16,720 --> 01:15:20,848
Um, well, you know, she's a good
friend of mine, and she's off doin'
1363
01:15:21,266 --> 01:15:24,185
her own thing right now, but I've
always said she's a little too hot
1364
01:15:24,269 --> 01:15:27,230
for old Joe Dirt. I
agree. So does America.
1365
01:15:27,314 --> 01:15:30,358
In fact, in our latest "Is Brandy
too hot for Joe Dirt?" poll,
1366
01:15:30,442 --> 01:15:35,404
61 % of you agreed. Even worse, 4%
said the dog was too hot for you.
1367
01:15:35,948 --> 01:15:38,616
Dang. I'm just kidding.
You're on TRL, California.
1368
01:15:38,742 --> 01:15:39,992
Hello, California.
1369
01:15:40,285 --> 01:15:43,412
WOMAN: Hey, wait... Am I...
Am I on? I'm on?
1370
01:15:43,747 --> 01:15:48,793
Hey, baby, I'm on! Yeah. Hey,
Carson, how big's your Johnny?
1371
01:15:48,877 --> 01:15:52,338
Joe, I think happy hour started
a little early in California.
1372
01:15:52,464 --> 01:15:56,425
A little drinky-drinky. The reason I'm
really callin' is Joe Dirt's parents
1373
01:15:56,510 --> 01:16:01,556
ain't dead. I'm lookin' at his
father right now, and I'm his mama.
1374
01:16:01,682 --> 01:16:05,476
Ma'am, you should never drink the
bong water. Yeah, listen to him.
1375
01:16:05,978 --> 01:16:09,146
Carson, just where you wanna
be when Jesus comes back?
1376
01:16:09,231 --> 01:16:10,648
Makin' fun...
Sorry, Joe.
1377
01:16:10,774 --> 01:16:14,151
Wait, wait. Where's that
call comin' from? California.
1378
01:16:14,486 --> 01:16:15,861
Listen, I gotta go.
1379
01:16:15,988 --> 01:16:17,363
Oh, no, Joe!
1380
01:16:17,781 --> 01:16:19,448
So, Carson helped me
trace the call,
1381
01:16:19,533 --> 01:16:22,827
and it led me to this old trailer
park in Simi Valley, California.
1382
01:16:25,664 --> 01:16:28,749
Wow. Wow.
1383
01:16:33,171 --> 01:16:34,880
That's our old car!
1384
01:16:36,341 --> 01:16:38,551
Right here, guys.
There he is.
1385
01:16:39,344 --> 01:16:43,097
WOMAN: Joe, can I have
an exclusive?
1386
01:16:43,557 --> 01:16:45,683
Your parents
are alive after all?
1387
01:16:46,685 --> 01:16:48,853
Joe! Joe!
How are you feeling?
1388
01:16:50,022 --> 01:16:51,814
DIRT: Mom, Dad, is that you?
1389
01:16:53,609 --> 01:16:55,568
Our baby's home.
1390
01:16:56,612 --> 01:16:59,614
Damn. We tried so hard to find
him. We looked high and low.
1391
01:16:59,698 --> 01:17:02,867
I got some pictures here. Look
at this. Here's a picture of Joe
1392
01:17:03,035 --> 01:17:05,953
when he was a baby. Did
you get it? Yeah. Aw, baby.
1393
01:17:06,413 --> 01:17:09,206
You were a cute baby, Joe Dirt.
That's why we were so crazy
1394
01:17:09,291 --> 01:17:12,418
when we lost him. I mean,
he's here and now he's gone.
1395
01:17:12,544 --> 01:17:15,921
Oh, mama, it's all
right. Where'd he go? Aw.
1396
01:17:16,673 --> 01:17:18,382
Did they get it?
Oh, where'd he go?
1397
01:17:18,675 --> 01:17:20,926
I was at the canyon, yeah.
You know what?
1398
01:17:21,053 --> 01:17:24,388
It was right by the garbage
can where you left me.
1399
01:17:25,390 --> 01:17:28,392
Wha...? Is that where you
were? Well, I'll be dipped.
1400
01:17:28,894 --> 01:17:31,395
The one place we didn't look.
I knew you looked for me.
1401
01:17:31,480 --> 01:17:34,690
I told everybody you would.
And was there ever a time
1402
01:17:34,775 --> 01:17:37,526
when you would look at the
moon, and was hopin' maybe
1403
01:17:37,611 --> 01:17:38,694
I was lookin' at it too?
1404
01:17:38,820 --> 01:17:39,904
Wouldn't you know
1405
01:17:40,030 --> 01:17:42,990
that I've been doin' this clown sort
of thing? Can everybody get a shot
1406
01:17:43,075 --> 01:17:46,035
of these? Do you see these clown
figurines? Whenever I used to get sad,
1407
01:17:46,119 --> 01:17:51,290
I'd just look at a clown, and then I just
can't help it. I just can't stop grinnin'.
1408
01:17:51,375 --> 01:17:52,625
They're available
for purchase.
1409
01:17:52,751 --> 01:17:54,835
We're startin' this
Clown. com kind of a thing.
1410
01:17:54,920 --> 01:17:55,920
Yeah.
1411
01:17:56,046 --> 01:17:58,881
I don't mean to interrupt
your clown pitch there,
1412
01:17:59,091 --> 01:18:04,679
but how exactly do you not go right
back to the place where you saw me?
1413
01:18:05,347 --> 01:18:07,932
(NEWS CREW MUTTERING)
1414
01:18:08,225 --> 01:18:11,519
Hey, how exactly
is a rainbow made?
1415
01:18:11,603 --> 01:18:13,437
How exactly
does the sun set?
1416
01:18:13,563 --> 01:18:16,273
How exactly does the Posi-Trac
rear end on a Plymouth work?
1417
01:18:17,567 --> 01:18:19,819
It just does.
1418
01:18:19,903 --> 01:18:21,529
I'm not talkin'
about Posi-Trac.
1419
01:18:21,613 --> 01:18:26,534
I'm talkin' about me. How long did
you look for me before you gave up?
1420
01:18:26,618 --> 01:18:29,286
How long were you ridin' in that car
before you realized I wasn't in it?
1421
01:18:29,371 --> 01:18:31,330
Exactly how long?
1422
01:18:38,296 --> 01:18:40,840
All right!
We didn't lose him.
1423
01:18:40,924 --> 01:18:44,343
We just left him. So what?
The dude's doin' fine!
1424
01:18:44,469 --> 01:18:45,636
Look at him!
1425
01:18:45,721 --> 01:18:47,888
How could you do that to me?
I was only eight years old.
1426
01:18:47,973 --> 01:18:51,934
I was just a little kid. Do you have
any idea what it's like to be a kid and
1427
01:18:52,018 --> 01:18:56,856
have nobody around to talk to? No one
that cares if you're alive or dead?
1428
01:18:57,816 --> 01:19:01,402
Every day you just think you're
worthless, and there's a void in your life.
1429
01:19:01,528 --> 01:19:04,488
Oh, come on, honey. Lose
that frown! Lighten up, buddy.
1430
01:19:05,240 --> 01:19:07,700
When you're down,
stare at a clown.
1431
01:19:07,784 --> 01:19:10,619
Hey, sit down! You're blockin'
the cameras! Move over.
1432
01:19:10,704 --> 01:19:14,790
I don't care about that!
And I don't care about you!
1433
01:19:16,668 --> 01:19:20,212
And I don't wanna see you for
another 25 years! Joe, wait!
1434
01:19:20,297 --> 01:19:23,591
I wish he'd never found us!
Look what he did to my children!
1435
01:19:23,675 --> 01:19:24,884
Hey, TV people!
1436
01:19:24,968 --> 01:19:29,096
Hey, you're grounded! Hey, TV
people! Why are y'all goin' away?
1437
01:19:29,181 --> 01:19:32,016
Come over here!
You don't have to follow him!
1438
01:19:32,100 --> 01:19:34,393
(REPORTERS SHOUTING QUESTIONS)
1439
01:19:38,356 --> 01:19:39,774
MAN: What are you gonna
do now, Joe?
1440
01:19:51,411 --> 01:19:54,914
MAN: Somebody do something.
1441
01:19:56,166 --> 01:20:01,670
WOMAN: Joe, just turn around
now. It's not worth it, Joe.
1442
01:20:02,380 --> 01:20:06,133
(HELICOPTER WHIRRING) REPORTER:
We are here at Wallace Bridge,
1443
01:20:06,218 --> 01:20:09,762
where local celebrity Joe Dirt
is threatening to kill himself.
1444
01:20:10,222 --> 01:20:13,349
Come on, Joe. Remember
what you said on the show,
1445
01:20:13,433 --> 01:20:15,726
"Life's a garden.
Dig it?"
1446
01:20:16,394 --> 01:20:19,730
You gotta get down from there,
brother. You don't wanna do this.
1447
01:20:21,107 --> 01:20:23,984
Why not, man, I got nothin'.
I've been lookin' forever
1448
01:20:24,069 --> 01:20:27,363
for those people, and everyone
lies to me, man.
1449
01:20:28,532 --> 01:20:30,157
I'm worthless.
1450
01:20:31,952 --> 01:20:35,329
Joe!
1451
01:20:36,289 --> 01:20:40,501
Hey, sorry, lady. You can't cut
through here. Joe, it's me, Brandy!
1452
01:20:40,585 --> 01:20:42,837
Oh, it's Brandy? Like, the Brandy? Yes!
1453
01:20:43,213 --> 01:20:45,422
Why didn't you say so.
Come on!
1454
01:20:45,507 --> 01:20:47,842
Hey, everybody, Brandy's here!
Hey, it's Brandy!
1455
01:20:49,594 --> 01:20:50,594
Come on, come on.
1456
01:20:51,012 --> 01:20:52,012
That's her!
1457
01:20:52,848 --> 01:20:54,014
Joe!
1458
01:20:54,307 --> 01:20:55,432
Brandy?
1459
01:20:56,017 --> 01:20:56,976
I'm here, Joe.
1460
01:20:57,435 --> 01:21:00,187
You told me my parents
were dead, and I saw 'em.
1461
01:21:00,313 --> 01:21:02,815
They're horrible.
Why did you lie to me?
1462
01:21:03,108 --> 01:21:07,027
They saw you on the news when you saved
those kids. They thought you got a reward.
1463
01:21:07,487 --> 01:21:10,531
So you did see 'em first.
So it's just like Robby said.
1464
01:21:10,615 --> 01:21:14,535
Yes, but once I met them, I knew
I had to protect you from them.
1465
01:21:14,953 --> 01:21:18,497
They're bad people.
You're not like them, Joe.
1466
01:21:19,541 --> 01:21:23,502
They didn't leave you. You left
them. You've gotta see that.
1467
01:21:24,588 --> 01:21:27,423
And, Joe, if you had stayed with
them, you wouldn't have turned out
1468
01:21:27,507 --> 01:21:28,716
as wonderful as you are.
1469
01:21:28,967 --> 01:21:31,510
Robby said
you didn't want me around,
1470
01:21:31,595 --> 01:21:34,430
and he said that you was always
laughin' at me behind my back.
1471
01:21:34,639 --> 01:21:38,309
Why would Robby say such a
thing? Of course that's not true.
1472
01:21:38,643 --> 01:21:42,730
I love you, Joe,
with all my heart.
1473
01:21:43,982 --> 01:21:48,569
I wanna get married, Joe, and have
little Joe Dirts. Come home, Joe.
1474
01:21:49,362 --> 01:21:52,823
You had a home all along.
You just couldn't see it.
1475
01:21:52,991 --> 01:21:54,158
(NEIGHING)
1476
01:21:54,409 --> 01:21:55,993
You really love me?
1477
01:21:56,161 --> 01:21:59,288
(CROWD CHEERING)
1478
01:22:02,792 --> 01:22:05,169
I did it! I did it! I roped
him with a bungee cord.
1479
01:22:10,300 --> 01:22:11,216
No!
1480
01:22:11,885 --> 01:22:13,594
Dang!
1481
01:22:13,887 --> 01:22:15,888
Joe! Joe!
1482
01:22:17,474 --> 01:22:18,515
Ooh!
1483
01:22:18,642 --> 01:22:20,100
(ALL GROAN)
1484
01:22:35,158 --> 01:22:37,618
Oh, man. I just had
the weirdest dream.
1485
01:22:38,119 --> 01:22:39,536
You were in it.
1486
01:22:40,038 --> 01:22:41,455
So were you.
1487
01:22:44,376 --> 01:22:47,086
Oh, my God.
Brandy, I'm home?
1488
01:22:48,505 --> 01:22:50,881
Clem, Charlene,
Kickin' Wing.
1489
01:22:51,216 --> 01:22:52,549
It's not Clem anymore.
1490
01:22:53,134 --> 01:22:54,426
It's Gert B. Frobe.
1491
01:22:54,552 --> 01:22:55,761
Wha?
1492
01:22:55,887 --> 01:22:57,930
Witness Protection relocated
me. I asked for Silvertown,
1493
01:22:58,056 --> 01:23:01,100
on account of how you talked
about it. It's wonderful here.
1494
01:23:01,351 --> 01:23:03,143
Hello, Joe Dirt.
1495
01:23:03,228 --> 01:23:06,605
You taught me to sell
the good stuff. Now I have
1496
01:23:06,690 --> 01:23:11,402
30 fireworks stands, which
completely fund my animal shelters.
1497
01:23:11,778 --> 01:23:13,112
It's all because of you, Joe.
1498
01:23:13,530 --> 01:23:14,863
Good job, brother.
1499
01:23:14,990 --> 01:23:18,909
I sold the gator farm, after one of
those bastards snapped off my thumb
1500
01:23:18,994 --> 01:23:22,413
and middle finger. I came up here
to check up on you, and, well,
1501
01:23:22,539 --> 01:23:24,832
I met Gert B. Frobe.
1502
01:23:26,418 --> 01:23:28,252
And it's a good thing that
gator didn't get my ring finger,
1503
01:23:28,336 --> 01:23:30,129
because Gert's asked me
to marry him.
1504
01:23:30,213 --> 01:23:31,213
Yeah.
1505
01:23:32,007 --> 01:23:33,882
Right on.
Joe.
1506
01:23:34,300 --> 01:23:37,594
When you were in the hospital for
your head injury, I had the doctor
1507
01:23:37,679 --> 01:23:41,223
surgically put on a wig that's
a little more contemporary.
1508
01:23:53,611 --> 01:23:56,196
Ooh! Dang!
That's cool.
1509
01:23:56,781 --> 01:23:59,825
And Joe, we have a big
surprise for you.
1510
01:23:59,909 --> 01:24:00,909
What's up?
1511
01:24:02,954 --> 01:24:07,124
My Hemi! You got it
outta hock for me? Dang! Yeah!
1512
01:24:07,876 --> 01:24:09,501
Somebody else wants
to get in here.
1513
01:24:09,627 --> 01:24:10,627
Who's that?
1514
01:24:11,087 --> 01:24:14,757
Come on, boy! Come on!
Wow! Looks like Charlie!
1515
01:24:15,133 --> 01:24:18,177
Yep. Apparently, back in the
day, Charlie had a little sexual
1516
01:24:18,261 --> 01:24:20,512
encounter with this one's ma.
1517
01:24:20,597 --> 01:24:22,723
Say hello to Charlie Two.
1518
01:24:23,224 --> 01:24:25,893
Good boy. You got a big
family now, Joe Dirt.
1519
01:24:26,686 --> 01:24:27,978
You better be good to us.
1520
01:24:28,063 --> 01:24:29,188
Oh, I will.
1521
01:24:35,987 --> 01:24:40,616
Hey, Dirt! I thought I told you,
buddy, nobody wants you around!
1522
01:24:41,159 --> 01:24:44,411
Hey! You're talkin'
to my guy all wrong.
1523
01:24:44,496 --> 01:24:48,832
It's the wrong tone. Do it again, I'll
stab you in the face with a soldering iron.
1524
01:24:49,417 --> 01:24:50,584
You're his dad?
1525
01:24:50,668 --> 01:24:54,963
What if I am?
What if we're his family?
1526
01:24:57,342 --> 01:24:58,342
Okay.
1527
01:24:59,636 --> 01:25:02,012
At least I know my car
will blow his off the road!
1528
01:25:02,263 --> 01:25:05,849
You actually think you can match that little
Slant Six of yours against his 426 Hemi?
1529
01:25:06,184 --> 01:25:07,184
Huh?
1530
01:25:08,103 --> 01:25:09,895
(ENGINE STARTS)
Then let's do it, little boy.
1531
01:25:09,979 --> 01:25:11,897
Whoo!
That's my girl.
1532
01:25:11,981 --> 01:25:13,357
Let's rock, Dirtboy.
1533
01:25:13,525 --> 01:25:14,900
Let's go!
1534
01:25:20,782 --> 01:25:21,865
Damn.
1535
01:25:25,370 --> 01:25:26,829
(BELCHES)
1536
01:25:33,294 --> 01:25:36,839
Now, it's time for the good stuff! Whoo!
1537
01:25:37,215 --> 01:25:39,883
Yeah! Light her up! (LAUGHING)
1538
01:25:41,386 --> 01:25:44,429
ZANDER: This next song goes out to our
good friend, Joe Dirt, the dirt man.
1539
01:25:44,722 --> 01:25:48,559
Joe, wherever you are, this is
for you, buddy. Welcome home, Joe.
1540
01:25:48,893 --> 01:25:50,352
Welcome home.
1541
01:25:50,812 --> 01:25:54,565
♪ If you want my love
you got it
1542
01:25:54,691 --> 01:25:58,402
♪ When you need my love
you got it
1543
01:25:58,945 --> 01:26:00,988
♪ I won't hide it
1544
01:26:01,197 --> 01:26:03,740
♪ I won't throw your love away
1545
01:26:07,412 --> 01:26:10,372
♪ If you want my love
you got it
1546
01:26:11,416 --> 01:26:14,459
♪ When you need my love
you got it
1547
01:26:15,420 --> 01:26:21,592
♪ I won't hide it
I won't throw your love away
1548
01:26:25,388 --> 01:26:28,098
♪ Yes, I thought you were
a mystery girl
1549
01:26:28,850 --> 01:26:32,311
♪ A special girl
in this crazy old world
1550
01:26:32,687 --> 01:26:37,900
♪ You couldn't see me
when I laid eyes on you
1551
01:26:41,070 --> 01:26:45,532
♪ Lonely is only a place
1552
01:26:46,201 --> 01:26:49,703
♪ You don't know
what it's like
1553
01:26:50,872 --> 01:26:52,414
♪ You can't fight it
1554
01:26:53,082 --> 01:26:59,296
♪ And it's a hole in my heart
in my heart
1555
01:27:01,424 --> 01:27:05,177
♪ If you want my love
you got it
1556
01:27:05,303 --> 01:27:08,972
♪ When you need my love
you got it
1557
01:27:09,557 --> 01:27:11,600
♪ I won't hide it
1558
01:27:11,809 --> 01:27:14,978
♪ I won't throw your love away
1559
01:27:36,251 --> 01:27:39,211
♪ You hold the secrets
of love in this world
1560
01:27:40,004 --> 01:27:43,006
♪ I'm hypnotized
by your every word
1561
01:27:43,716 --> 01:27:48,387
♪ A special face a special
voice a special smile in my life
1562
01:27:51,641 --> 01:27:56,103
♪ Lonely is only a place
1563
01:27:56,771 --> 01:28:00,274
♪ You don't know
what it's like
1564
01:28:01,442 --> 01:28:02,985
♪ You can't fight it
1565
01:28:03,653 --> 01:28:09,866
♪ And it's a hole in my heart
in my heart
1566
01:28:11,995 --> 01:28:15,747
♪ If you want my love
you got it
1567
01:28:15,873 --> 01:28:19,543
♪ When you need my love
you got it
1568
01:28:20,128 --> 01:28:22,170
♪ I won't hide it
1569
01:28:22,380 --> 01:28:25,549
♪ I won't throw your love away
1570
01:28:28,594 --> 01:28:32,389
♪ If you want my love
you got it
1571
01:28:32,473 --> 01:28:36,184
♪ When you need my love
you got it
1572
01:28:36,728 --> 01:28:38,770
♪ I won't hide it
1573
01:28:38,980 --> 01:28:42,149
♪ I won't throw your love away
1574
01:28:45,737 --> 01:28:49,489
♪ If you want my love
you got it
1575
01:28:49,574 --> 01:28:53,285
♪ When you need my love
you got it
1576
01:28:53,870 --> 01:28:55,912
♪ I won't hide it
1577
01:28:56,080 --> 01:28:59,249
♪ I won't throw
your love away ♪