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Jimmy Carr Telling Jokes
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Well, Ladies and Gentlemen
Great Show, Great Audience, Great Venue
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One of those would have been nice
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I went for a wander round earlier,
Someone Came up to me and went
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"I saw your last show"
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I said: "Thanks very much"
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And then he added:
"At least I hope it was your last show."
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Think we are fucking mates
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People often ask me
How I do this for living?
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How do you get up in front of people for
half an hour or two hours and tell them jokes
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It must be petrifying
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Well, The secret is..
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What you do if you doing any kind
of public speaking, this really works
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What you do You imagine the people
you are talking to are naked.
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Yeah, really works.
Couple of things to remember
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Firstly, Don't tell the people you are
talking to that's what you are doing
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Cause that could be a little bit creepy
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Secondly: It doesn't work as well
if you work in a primary school.
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Someone came up to me and said:
"I don't wanna hurt your feelings but you"
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"Look like Jimmy Carr."
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How am I supposed to not
take that personally?
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That's my face. That's all I
have got to work with.
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I realize I have got quite a broad face I
got quite a good girth on my face
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And girth is not a term traditionally
associated with an attractive face
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Another thing you get by the seaside the
big card board thing cut out by the seaside
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Big fat Johnny man in all in one Read&White
stripe suit running down
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You know the one?
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And they cut the face out so you just take
your head through take a hilarious holiday photo
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When I stick my head through one of those
It just looks right.
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I look like a Down Syndrome Roger Federer
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I wish that wasn't funny.
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I wish that didn't ring true but sadly..
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I bought a rape alarm
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Cos, I kept on forgetting
when to rape people.
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They are bloody marvellous
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Um, I was gonna tell you a little bit
about the behind the scenes
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Not behind the scenes here at the Bloomsbury
Theatre, Cos its fuck all going on back there
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But behind the scenes more generally
You know in TV commercials
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When they use Chimpanzees to advertise TM
and what not.Because we will buy anything if
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Chimpanzees are involved because
chimpanzees are adorable
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Well, What they do when they are filming
a commercial with chimpanzee is to
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Give the chimpanzees peanut butter and the
peanut butter sticks to the roof of mouth
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Of the chimpanzee
Makes the chimpanzee go
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Cos they are not used to the peanut..They
quite like it but they are not used to it
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So it makes them go...
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Make it look as if
the chimpanzee is talking
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Well that's also how they make Hollios
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Interesting fact for you
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Are you having to explain that to her?
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Its clearly a mixed ability group.
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Here is another fact for you
Are you aware, If you put Mentos, You know
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The sweets Mentos? If you put
Mentos into Diet coke
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You are retarded.
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Sweetsy make fizzy pop go magic.
I like it
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Grow up
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Sorry you give me a look there as if to Say:
"It is good though."
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I told my best friend I fucked
his wife and got her pregnant
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That cured his hiccups
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I'm in a long term relationship.
Who else here is in long term relationship?
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Give us a shout
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- YEAH
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Those of you sound thrilled
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I have been with the same girl for 8 years
and we are very happy together but
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How's this for mental?
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She still gets annoyed if I use her
toothbrush.
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That's mental when you can see how intimate
we have been over those 8 years
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And if you can tell me a better way to get
dog shit out of trainers
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I'd love to fucking hear about it
Cos, there is nothing finer
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Dog excrement can blind a child
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But its much easier just to use a finger
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If you really wanna be sure smear
dog shit all over both the fingers
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From the shoulder, Jam!
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There are a lot of obese children in
Britain today.
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But focus on the positive
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The Pension crisis is over
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Come on Those chubby little fucks
aren't gonna see 40
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Never mind 65
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It's quite lot of young people in
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If you are young and your parents are
getting divorced It can be a very
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Difficult time But remember:
It's not your fault
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Your Mum's a slag.
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It's pretty bad being
told you are adopted
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But not as bad as being told
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You are gonna be adopted
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Did you know if your ears are burning
It means people are talking about you
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Generally they are saying:
"He is on fire."
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Are you all familiar with Simon Cowell?
Do you know Simon Cowell?
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- YES
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Simon Cowell spends 500 thousand pounds
every year on his own personal security
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That's an extraordinary
amount of money. Isn't it?
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Half a million pounds a
year on personal security
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Has Simon not considered
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Being less of a cunt?
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What happened there?
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You were saying that
you like my joke?
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Ah! Thanks very much
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It's very nice of you
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I was chatting to these men having a
conversation in front of you But that's fine
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You have caught my eye now
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What do you do madam?
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- I work for Nation Wide in
Human Resources
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You work for Nation Wide in Human Resources
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I imagine you be saying to people "Well
you are fired" quite a lot recently.
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We have done fucked up the country
Fuck off!
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All right. Good on you.
Human Resources: "The lady Sciences"
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I was talking about Simon Cowell.
Simon Cowell People know the X-Factor
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And the know Britain's got talent
but they way I see it
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Someone's got to turn on the
Christmas lights in Stoke
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And it's not gonna be me
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Again this year..
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I'm 36 years of age.
Do you know what that means?
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It means the only way I get
to be described as young now
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Is if I die
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I think you know you are getting old
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I was watching porn last week
and I found myself thinking
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That bed looks comfy
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The worst thing about being
told you got Alzheimer's
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Is that it doesn't happens
Just the once
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And I'll be telling that joke again later on
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If I remember
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Of course lot of people try
and fight the ageing process
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Lot of people use
the anti wrinkle creams
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Anyone here use the anti wrinkle cream?
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- YES
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A very few of you
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Is that a fellow up there?
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You know that meant to be wrinkly?
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Now My question to the ladies
that use the anti wrinkle cream
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If it really works..
How come you still got finger prints?
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Yeah that's right..
I made you look like a fool.
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I saw a thing on cover of
EL magazine
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You all familiar with the EL magazine
for the ladies?
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Said on the cover:
"What to buy and how to wear it?"
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Buy a dress and zip it
up you fucking moron!
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What kind of idiots are reading EL magazine?
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Who is standing in a news
agency naked Thinking
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"Help!!"
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A lot of women worry about one breast
being smaller than the other
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But focus on the positive
One of them is bigger.
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And we call that one
"Our Favourite"
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This is interesting, there is an
evolutionary reason why men love breasts
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It's because prehistoric men
Loved breasts.
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Have you noticed ladies? All men have got
obsessive compulsive disorder when
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It comes to boobs. You noticed that?
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All men have got OCD when it
comes to breasts
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No man has ever kissed and caressed a
breast .. Yeah
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All right I'm not a brilliant mime
I'm sorry
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That looked like, like
I was cracking a safe..
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Whilst trying to get the temperature
right in a hotel shower
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Pretty multitasking..
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Turn on the taps, testing the water
That's...
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That's how I remember it.
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That's very much
foreplay for beginners.
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Not ready yet..
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Not ready yet..
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All like a fucking slip
and slide bang
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Sorry, I got rather side tracked
What I was saying was..
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No man has ever kissed and caressed a breast
and then not done exactly the same thing
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for exactly the same duration
of time to the other boob
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It's like we think your breasts
are sentient beings
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And they will be annoyed
if we have got a favourite.
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One of your tits will be sad going:
"Huh, Shares all the fun, Does she?"
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My partner is always saying to me:
"You never tell me how you feel."
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About two or three times a week she'd go:
"You never tell me how you feel"
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What is she talking about?
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Only yesterday I woke her up by slapping
her on the face with my cock
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How much clearer can I be?
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"This means I'm horny"
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Sorry Sir we made eye contact.
I didn't mean anything by it.
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I was by the seaside recently and I was
thinking about rising sea levels
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And this guy next to me was
throwing stones into the water.
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I thought that's not helping.
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If anything you are
making matters worse.
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Any Welsh people in?
Any Welsh?
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Oh its quite a few of you.
We seem to have contained the problem
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I'm loving the Welsh.
I like the Welsh language.
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And I like the Welsh language
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Because it was clearly invented
by a dad losing its scrabble
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It's clearly what's happened there
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That's not a word it
starts with three L's
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"It is a bloody word"
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Well, How is it pronounced?
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I was in North Wales uh..
Last year it was in Llandidno
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Has anyone been to Llandidno?
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- YEAH
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If its a No you don't have to answer
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I'll ask again.
Has anyone been to Llandidno?
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- YEAH
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A few of you its a lovely town
I was there doing a show
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Got on stage walked out I said:
"Its lovely to be in Llandidno "
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This guy front in centre where you are
sitting there face like fucking thunder
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"Its not Llandidno you bloody fool"
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"It's Clandidno. In Wales
LL is pronounced with a C."
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I said, All right don't be a
"llunt" about it.
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Well ladies and gentlemen this is what
I do for living I think of little jokes
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in my head and then I tell them to you
So that you'll like me
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Sounds a bit tragic when I said it.
What was that? "It's not working"
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Well, You can fuck off
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This is as good as
it ever fucking goes
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I don't come to your work and knock the
sailor's cock out of your mouth. Do I?
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00:12:58,173 --> 00:13:02,193
Where are you? "It's not working" man.
Give us a wave. What do you do Sir?
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00:13:03,993 --> 00:13:06,073
You do Telecom?
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00:13:06,773 --> 00:13:08,863
What do you do?
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00:13:09,863 --> 00:13:11,313
I do you..
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00:13:11,913 --> 00:13:14,003
I do you Telephone
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What sorry?
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00:13:18,903 --> 00:13:20,513
You build them ... networks
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00:13:21,013 --> 00:13:24,713
Ironically you work in communications
and can hardly ...
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00:13:25,713 --> 00:13:28,073
Can hardly string a
fucking sentence together.
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00:13:30,673 --> 00:13:32,473
Well broadly speaking this
is what I do for living
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00:13:32,474 --> 00:13:35,723
Sometimes it does not quite work out
Cos sometimes I have an idea for a joke
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00:13:35,724 --> 00:13:37,538
And then I sort of look at it
in the morning and go
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00:13:37,539 --> 00:13:40,178
You know I scribble it down on a bit
of paper for a look in the morning
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00:13:40,179 --> 00:13:43,478
I look at it the morning and go: "Well it's
sort of half a joke but it's not funny half"
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00:13:45,478 --> 00:13:47,878
So the bit more... bit more..
you know challenging.
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It's a bit more esoteric and oblique
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Means difficult to understand
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Make an effort mongo
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So I thought we might go through
some of these. All right?
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I have got visual aids
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I realize it sounds bad when I say it like
that. I don't mean I was walking through a
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Park and I saw two homosexual men having sex
And a bit must have gone in to my eye
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00:14:17,075 --> 00:14:20,235
And now I have got all AIDSy eyes.
I don't mean that
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00:14:20,735 --> 00:14:21,835
I mean I have got some pictures to help
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00:14:22,535 --> 00:14:25,035
These are slightly more
challenging bear with me
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00:14:26,535 --> 00:14:28,039
If a giant ape
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00:14:29,339 --> 00:14:33,235
And a table tennis champion
got into an argument over a karaoke machine
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00:14:33,835 --> 00:14:40,435
Would the newspaper headline be
"King Kong, Ping Pong, Sing Song, Ding Dong"
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00:14:43,635 --> 00:14:48,635
I'm writing a diet book It's called:
"Put that down Fatty."
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00:14:51,035 --> 00:14:52,835
Pedophelia is wrong
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Its Paedophilia.
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00:14:57,235 --> 00:14:59,295
Of course the main cause of Paedophilia
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00:14:59,495 --> 00:15:01,495
Good looking kids
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00:15:05,395 --> 00:15:07,995
Could you blame them?
I was adorable.
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00:15:08,995 --> 00:15:12,425
Do you realize if you put your
teeth in coca cola over night
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You'll drown
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00:15:19,025 --> 00:15:24,475
People actually believe Neil Armstrong was
the first man on the moon. Bull Shit..
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00:15:24,575 --> 00:15:28,675
It was Mrs.Akasia gardener from Nagasaki who
was standing next to where the bomb landed
240
00:15:32,875 --> 00:15:34,815
Too soon?
241
00:15:36,515 --> 00:15:39,599
They say its bad luck to put up an umbrella
in doors but I think if its raining indoors
242
00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:42,299
You already had your bad luck.
243
00:15:44,009 --> 00:15:48,130
The problem with Unidentified Flying Objects
U.F.Os is if they identify them
244
00:15:48,131 --> 00:15:50,580
Then they are just flying objects F.Os
245
00:15:50,980 --> 00:15:54,290
Then if they land just an "O"
246
00:15:56,300 --> 00:15:59,490
I saw an "O"
uhh
247
00:16:01,050 --> 00:16:06,690
Lofts: Lofts are magical places
where its always Christmas..
248
00:16:09,290 --> 00:16:11,990
It only happens once a year but when I
collect the Christmas tree in the car
249
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:16,090
It looks like I have over
done on the air freshener
250
00:16:17,290 --> 00:16:21,190
If we are going to put an end to
global poverty Now is the time
251
00:16:21,390 --> 00:16:24,190
To stock up on trainers
252
00:16:27,990 --> 00:16:31,560
I'm joking. We are not gonna
put an end to global poverty
253
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:35,860
They now make non alcoholic cider
Now correct me if I'm wrong
254
00:16:36,060 --> 00:16:38,427
That's apple juice
255
00:16:39,807 --> 00:16:42,943
One in three Scottish
women is clinically obese
256
00:16:42,950 --> 00:16:45,143
As are the other two
257
00:16:48,343 --> 00:16:54,006
When you think about it a bowls club full of
pensioners is like an upside down graveyard
258
00:16:55,906 --> 00:16:59,996
If ever I'm in the cemetery I like to think
that's what going on underneath
259
00:17:03,596 --> 00:17:05,666
Whenever I talk to an old person
I always think
260
00:17:05,667 --> 00:17:09,266
What a privilege
but they never thank me
261
00:17:10,766 --> 00:17:14,186
Of course talking to an old person is like
having access to living history
262
00:17:14,386 --> 00:17:18,666
Which is a lot like normal history
but wreaks of piss
263
00:17:20,966 --> 00:17:24,446
There's a law that states pregnant women
can urinate anywhere they want
264
00:17:25,006 --> 00:17:28,096
Brilliant News.
I think my Nana might be pregnant.
265
00:17:31,696 --> 00:17:34,553
The big shopping centre near us called Lake
Side and my girlfriend said the other day
266
00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:38,653
"Lake Side is so crowded, no one
goes there any more"
267
00:17:41,253 --> 00:17:46,153
We were in a car she said:
"Where would we be without Sat Nav?"
268
00:17:48,953 --> 00:17:51,363
I was looking up for a friend's cat when
my friend wet on for a holiday and I was
269
00:17:51,364 --> 00:17:53,496
Worried about over feeding the
cat so I asked her about it
270
00:17:53,497 --> 00:17:55,063
Cos although she'd know
about that sort of thing
271
00:17:55,263 --> 00:17:59,853
Here is what she said, she said:
"Don't worry Cats aren't pigs like dogs."
272
00:18:02,853 --> 00:18:04,259
What the fuck does that mean?
273
00:18:05,059 --> 00:18:09,699
Cats aren't pigs like dogs.
Good well that's really clarifying
274
00:18:10,299 --> 00:18:13,509
I used to have table football in the house
we had fooseball in front room of the house
275
00:18:13,510 --> 00:18:17,409
It was brilliant then she moved in she
hated it She said "it was too blokey"
276
00:18:17,609 --> 00:18:20,630
So what I did was I filled the table
football up with water and now we play
277
00:18:20,631 --> 00:18:22,830
Synchronized swimming.
278
00:18:26,630 --> 00:18:29,340
She came home other day she was all excited
she was thrilled with herself she said:
279
00:18:29,341 --> 00:18:31,640
"I saw a man with one platform shoe"
280
00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:35,600
I said: "No you saw a man with club foot."
281
00:18:37,500 --> 00:18:39,800
No one's got one platform shoe
282
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,450
No one's half into 70s fashion.
283
00:18:42,950 --> 00:18:46,650
Unless it was Heather Mills
on the way home from a disco.
284
00:18:48,050 --> 00:18:49,350
Probably Not
285
00:18:49,850 --> 00:18:53,590
A friend of mine dresses his Labrador in a
yellow florescent jacket takes him everywhere
286
00:18:53,591 --> 00:18:55,090
He goes it looks ridiculous
287
00:18:55,290 --> 00:18:57,990
Is he blind?
288
00:19:01,490 --> 00:19:04,290
Don't worry he is
never gonna see the show
289
00:19:05,090 --> 00:19:10,490
Why do deaf people
watch TV so late at night?
290
00:19:11,990 --> 00:19:15,390
Is it cos they always
sleep through the alarm?
291
00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:21,430
I'm not sure if it counts as incest but I'm
pretty sure when I was growing up
292
00:19:21,530 --> 00:19:24,990
My dad was fucking my mum
293
00:19:28,790 --> 00:19:30,350
I woke up with an erection this morning
294
00:19:30,550 --> 00:19:34,550
One reflection I wish
it would have been my own
295
00:19:39,150 --> 00:19:42,750
Saw a headline in the paper it said:
"Homeless shelter burns down."
296
00:19:42,950 --> 00:19:45,250
I thought what are they now?
297
00:19:47,350 --> 00:19:49,990
Homelesser?
298
00:19:50,490 --> 00:19:53,590
No they were trapped inside
they are all dead
299
00:19:57,190 --> 00:19:59,890
If you know the difference
between a kayak and a canoe
300
00:20:00,090 --> 00:20:03,890
You probably don't know
what its like to have sex
301
00:20:05,690 --> 00:20:08,220
The highest speed ever achieved
on a bicycle was done by a British man
302
00:20:08,420 --> 00:20:12,720
146 Miles per hour on a bicycle
that is pretty impressive
303
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:16,120
It was recorded at a level crossing
304
00:20:19,020 --> 00:20:21,320
Still counts
305
00:20:22,220 --> 00:20:27,520
The great wall of China, longest wall in
the world. Not one cash point.
306
00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:32,380
Some people think Islamic fundamentalism
is a very real threat what
307
00:20:32,381 --> 00:20:36,580
I wanna know is when the salvation army
gonna step up to the plate
308
00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:41,990
The most commonly shop lifted book
in the world is the Bible.. Yeah
309
00:20:42,190 --> 00:20:44,020
Which sounds weird but
then makes perfect sense
310
00:20:44,021 --> 00:20:47,920
Because how you meant to know
not to steal it until you read it
311
00:20:48,220 --> 00:20:49,970
I got handled a leaflet
in the street saying:
312
00:20:49,980 --> 00:20:53,070
"God loved you so much He
nailed himself to a cross."
313
00:20:53,470 --> 00:20:56,970
I thought
What? One handed?
314
00:20:58,870 --> 00:21:02,100
The Pope, The Pope does not approve of
condoms. Which is fair enough
315
00:21:02,301 --> 00:21:03,300
He is entitled to his opinion
316
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:07,500
But how does he suggest
I smuggle cocaine?
317
00:21:10,500 --> 00:21:14,020
If I went on a dragon's den I would
pitch the dragons a device
318
00:21:14,021 --> 00:21:18,820
That makes you less of a
self satisfied smug cunt
319
00:21:28,020 --> 00:21:30,870
I have discovered there's a big difference
between having something engraved...
320
00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:35,470
For someone and having
something of theirs keyed
321
00:21:37,670 --> 00:21:41,650
To rejoice in someone else's misfortune:
The Germans call it "Shardan Froider"
322
00:21:41,660 --> 00:21:45,250
We call it
"You have been framed."
323
00:21:48,050 --> 00:21:52,950
They say: "Revenge is best served cold."
and they say: "Revenge is sweet."
324
00:21:53,005 --> 00:21:54,380
So really what they are saying is:
325
00:21:54,980 --> 00:21:57,280
"Revenge is ice cream."
326
00:21:58,980 --> 00:22:04,080
I think it goes without saying...
327
00:22:15,050 --> 00:22:15,800
I'm glad you agree.
328
00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:19,820
I was tempted just to go
for forty minutes. That would...
329
00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:22,950
Either that would have
been terrifically funny or Shit
330
00:22:23,750 --> 00:22:24,750
Maybe Shit
331
00:22:25,650 --> 00:22:28,010
I've had an idea for a children's book
I was going to run it past you
332
00:22:28,011 --> 00:22:31,230
Its an idea for children's book its
about a boy that can see into the future
333
00:22:31,430 --> 00:22:34,830
After he gets raped by unicorn
334
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:39,930
Sort of Bitter sweet
335
00:22:40,930 --> 00:22:45,630
We don't have an on suite bathroom
but we do have plastic sheets
336
00:22:46,930 --> 00:22:49,830
If anything its more convenient
337
00:22:50,930 --> 00:22:52,830
I was in the cinema
and something struck me
338
00:22:53,030 --> 00:22:55,330
I think it was peanut
339
00:22:57,930 --> 00:23:01,530
I'm a great driver last
year I got 25 points
340
00:23:03,290 --> 00:23:07,230
If you are Scottish and you don't wanna
know how you gonna die look away now
341
00:23:08,130 --> 00:23:10,730
Heart disease.
342
00:23:12,130 --> 00:23:17,130
When my doctor told me I had heart problems.
I took it with a pinch of salt
343
00:23:17,530 --> 00:23:22,630
To cut a long story short
Frodo does it
344
00:23:26,430 --> 00:23:29,310
What we've just done ladies and gentlemen
somewhere in the region of 60 jokes
345
00:23:29,311 --> 00:23:31,550
in ten minutes that's quite a lot of
jokes per minute that represents
346
00:23:31,551 --> 00:23:35,190
value for money during the credit crunch
I believe. Well done me
347
00:23:35,490 --> 00:23:38,090
What I have been trying to do is write
the shortest joke possible so I can pack
348
00:23:38,091 --> 00:23:40,900
Even more jokes into the show So last
year in the show I had a 4 word joke
349
00:23:40,901 --> 00:23:43,100
Its only 4 word long
but its a proper joke
350
00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:45,800
Venison's dear, isn't it?
351
00:23:48,900 --> 00:23:51,600
Its only 4 words. That doesn't fuck
about just get straight to the point
352
00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:54,610
So this year I thought I'd go
one ladder I'll attempt a 3 word joke
353
00:23:54,810 --> 00:23:56,800
So for your delight and delectation
354
00:23:57,000 --> 00:24:02,400
Stationary Store Moves
355
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:07,500
Clearly not impressive enough I will
now attempt a two word joke
356
00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:12,400
"Dwarf Shortage"
357
00:24:22,900 --> 00:24:25,460
Have you ever had this My girlfriend
made me fire our cleaner because
358
00:24:25,461 --> 00:24:28,990
She said: "The cleaner was too good looking"
and she didn't want her in the house
359
00:24:29,590 --> 00:24:31,160
How mental is that..
She was really good cleaner
360
00:24:31,261 --> 00:24:35,060
She was specially good at
getting spunk out of hair
361
00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:43,010
Did you know? every day nearly 4000
serious sexual assaults occur
362
00:24:43,210 --> 00:24:45,910
In my mind.
363
00:24:48,910 --> 00:24:52,290
In America in Oklahoma where that fertilizer
bomb went off they have now got
364
00:24:52,291 --> 00:24:55,490
A garden of remembrance
365
00:24:56,690 --> 00:24:59,990
And it has come up a treat
366
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:01,650
So every cloud...
367
00:25:02,850 --> 00:25:04,850
These kids in American high schools
I'm sure you have read about them
368
00:25:04,851 --> 00:25:09,020
14 - 15 -16 years of age they go into
their high school with automatic weapons
369
00:25:09,021 --> 00:25:11,020
And hand guns.
They go ape shit.
370
00:25:11,021 --> 00:25:14,990
They shoot twenty or thirty of their fellow
pupils before turning one of the guns
371
00:25:14,991 --> 00:25:18,500
On themselves.
What is their fucking problem?
372
00:25:18,900 --> 00:25:21,500
Do they not know
where the staff room is?
373
00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:25,300
They could be heroes
374
00:25:26,750 --> 00:25:29,780
There is two ways to stop bullying
as I see it ladies and gentlemen
375
00:25:29,781 --> 00:25:31,200
There are two ways to stop bullying
376
00:25:31,220 --> 00:25:34,220
Firstly: You can stop the bullies.
Well That's been tried
377
00:25:34,230 --> 00:25:36,990
Secondly: you can stop the kids
that are being bullied
378
00:25:37,190 --> 00:25:40,450
For being such faggy dicks
379
00:25:41,650 --> 00:25:42,770
And really the best way to do that
380
00:25:42,970 --> 00:25:45,470
Is bullying
381
00:25:47,270 --> 00:25:48,370
Am I what sorry?
382
00:25:48,570 --> 00:25:49,570
- Were you bullied in school Sir?
383
00:25:49,780 --> 00:25:50,570
Was I bullied at school?
384
00:25:50,770 --> 00:25:51,770
No!
385
00:26:02,020 --> 00:26:02,970
What sorry?
386
00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:04,170
- But you are a faggy twat
387
00:26:04,270 --> 00:26:05,770
But I'm a faggy twat.
388
00:26:15,970 --> 00:26:19,070
We are all having fun I just
open this can of whoop ass
389
00:26:20,270 --> 00:26:21,870
Pop that there...
390
00:26:22,270 --> 00:26:26,570
You are Remarkably, confident for a man
in some sort of hoodie's top
391
00:26:27,070 --> 00:26:28,470
What do you do for living Sir,
do you mind me asking?
392
00:26:28,670 --> 00:26:29,090
- I'm a student
393
00:26:29,100 --> 00:26:30,870
You are student. What do you study?
394
00:26:31,070 --> 00:26:32,670
- Ah, I'm in secondary school in Ireland.
395
00:26:32,671 --> 00:26:36,770
You are still in secondary
school in Ireland?
396
00:26:37,270 --> 00:26:41,470
And what do you want to be
when you grow up?
397
00:26:46,870 --> 00:26:47,610
What sorry?
398
00:26:47,620 --> 00:26:47,990
- A lawyer
399
00:26:48,010 --> 00:26:49,000
You want to be a lawyer?
400
00:26:49,010 --> 00:26:52,600
So you know you are a cunt.
You are going down the line
401
00:26:56,100 --> 00:26:57,400
And who are you here with this evening?
402
00:26:57,600 --> 00:26:58,090
- I'm alone.
403
00:26:58,150 --> 00:27:00,490
You are.. alone?
404
00:27:03,490 --> 00:27:05,660
So, so far we know you are alone
405
00:27:06,460 --> 00:27:08,560
And you are a bit of a cunt
406
00:27:08,561 --> 00:27:10,920
I'm liking ya, Frankly
What's your name Sir?
407
00:27:10,950 --> 00:27:11,930
- Chris
408
00:27:12,130 --> 00:27:13,530
Chris, Hi Chris. You all right?
409
00:27:14,130 --> 00:27:16,270
And did you just come over for the show?
over the weekend?
410
00:27:16,280 --> 00:27:18,240
Just come over for the show.
God bless you Chris
411
00:27:18,250 --> 00:27:20,760
Feel free to join in any time you want.
412
00:27:21,360 --> 00:27:23,760
The more aggressive the better
Frankly
413
00:27:23,860 --> 00:27:25,960
I quite like it..
414
00:27:31,760 --> 00:27:33,900
Chris bullied me
415
00:27:39,100 --> 00:27:39,700
- Sorry
416
00:27:41,900 --> 00:27:42,950
Yes you will be
417
00:27:44,250 --> 00:27:46,450
If you are being bullied because
you got a speech impediment
418
00:27:46,650 --> 00:27:49,650
Maybe you are from Republic of Ireland
419
00:27:52,950 --> 00:27:54,450
No If you are being bullied because
you got a speech impediment
420
00:27:54,451 --> 00:27:57,320
There are people you can talk to
421
00:27:57,520 --> 00:28:00,500
But it will take fucking ages
422
00:28:00,900 --> 00:28:02,420
And they may giggle a bit
423
00:28:02,920 --> 00:28:06,140
I had a friend she had a speech impediment
It was quite severe sort of lispy thing
424
00:28:06,150 --> 00:28:09,240
She was bullied so mercilessly
at her job that she left
425
00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:11,780
She has moved out to coast to
work in tourism industry
426
00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:14,980
She sells sea shells by the sea shore
427
00:28:15,680 --> 00:28:17,670
She doesn't like to talk about it
428
00:28:17,870 --> 00:28:19,370
She can't
429
00:28:20,170 --> 00:28:21,760
If you have got lisp and you
got offended by that
430
00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:24,390
Sowwie
431
00:28:26,490 --> 00:28:29,290
Sorry, I'm making light of something quite
serious. Let's try and lighten the mood
432
00:28:29,300 --> 00:28:30,640
Shall we? Let's lighten the mood little bit
433
00:28:30,650 --> 00:28:33,850
When I read about that Austrian fella
434
00:28:36,050 --> 00:28:38,050
It was bound to come up.
Wasn't it?
435
00:28:38,250 --> 00:28:42,570
When I read about Joseph Frizzel building
a cellar under his house to imprison
436
00:28:42,580 --> 00:28:46,790
His own daughter for 24 years. So he can
systematically torture and abuse
437
00:28:46,795 --> 00:28:48,790
Two generations of his own family.
438
00:28:48,990 --> 00:28:51,990
Here is my first thought, This is how middle
class I'm. My first thought was
439
00:28:51,999 --> 00:28:54,690
I bet he didn't have
planning permission for that
440
00:28:56,590 --> 00:28:59,790
We'd all like to add some square footage
but there are some fucking rules mate
441
00:29:01,290 --> 00:29:04,620
Has any one in here ever tried any D.I.Y
Give us a shout if you have ever tried
442
00:29:04,625 --> 00:29:06,820
Any kind of D.I.Y. Yes?
-Yes , Yeah
443
00:29:07,020 --> 00:29:09,850
Almost every one has tried. Can anyone
who has ever tried D.I.Y
444
00:29:09,860 --> 00:29:13,550
Hand on heart tell me they don't have a
little bit of admiration for the
445
00:29:13,560 --> 00:29:16,350
Work that Frizzel did..
446
00:29:17,450 --> 00:29:19,220
It's not easy building stuff
Is it?
447
00:29:19,520 --> 00:29:21,990
It's not easy to be a tidy workman
448
00:29:22,690 --> 00:29:24,990
I'm not saying I approve of
what he did down there
449
00:29:25,220 --> 00:29:29,090
But he built a cellar without
his wife even fuckin notice it
450
00:29:30,400 --> 00:29:32,990
I'm just saying credit
where credit is due
451
00:29:41,950 --> 00:29:44,190
A round of applause for a Frizzel joke
452
00:29:44,890 --> 00:29:47,690
You may be my kind of town
453
00:29:47,695 --> 00:29:53,990
He was described in the Daily Express News
Paper as most evil man in Austrian history
454
00:29:57,090 --> 00:29:59,390
Not even close
455
00:30:01,590 --> 00:30:03,590
Hitler!
456
00:30:12,090 --> 00:30:14,490
Exam standards are coming
down in this country
457
00:30:14,890 --> 00:30:18,090
But focus on the positive we do very
well in pregnancy tests
458
00:30:20,990 --> 00:30:23,894
I'm not being snobbish but I think you know
are common if you are at same school
459
00:30:23,895 --> 00:30:25,094
As your mum
460
00:30:29,094 --> 00:30:31,050
This is a bit snobbish.
You get annoyed by the kids that
461
00:30:31,051 --> 00:30:34,510
Can't use cutlery properly. That irritates
me if they can't use cutlery properly
462
00:30:34,910 --> 00:30:36,360
And that would add insult to injury
wouldn't it?
463
00:30:36,361 --> 00:30:40,060
If you got stabbed by some ASBO yob
464
00:30:40,560 --> 00:30:43,260
And then were holding
the knife like a pen
465
00:30:44,260 --> 00:30:45,860
I'll be fucking livid
466
00:30:46,460 --> 00:30:49,460
Do it again
This time properly
467
00:30:50,360 --> 00:30:54,540
Caravan holidays: Caravan Holidays are
fun way of telling your kid
468
00:30:54,740 --> 00:30:56,540
You are poor!
469
00:30:59,540 --> 00:31:02,740
Most people are laughing, Couple of
you are giving me the stink eye
470
00:31:03,140 --> 00:31:06,140
Giving me a look as if to say:
"It's actually quite a posh caravan."
471
00:31:07,140 --> 00:31:10,410
"It's a six berth and we got a ....
so whatever!"
472
00:31:11,010 --> 00:31:14,270
Just one question for you
On your holidays do you shit in a cupboard?
473
00:31:21,970 --> 00:31:24,470
You just about cracked a smile but
it really took some effort
474
00:31:26,370 --> 00:31:28,200
What's your name madam?
475
00:31:28,400 --> 00:31:31,890
What's your name?
It's not the telly, I can see you
476
00:31:39,290 --> 00:31:41,250
What's your name?
- Camilla.
477
00:31:41,450 --> 00:31:42,550
Camilla. And what do you do Camilla?
478
00:31:42,750 --> 00:31:45,050
Suppose it depends on the guy
479
00:31:48,950 --> 00:31:50,450
I'm only messing about
480
00:31:50,460 --> 00:31:53,350
It's just you look all dressed up for this
sort of show. This kind of filth
481
00:31:53,550 --> 00:31:56,420
Maybe he told you we are gonna go and
see a theatre show in the West end of London
482
00:31:56,430 --> 00:31:58,120
And you went: "Fucking Brilliant"
483
00:31:58,420 --> 00:31:59,970
You probably didn't even say fucking.
You probably went
484
00:32:00,170 --> 00:32:01,770
"Marvellous"
485
00:32:02,570 --> 00:32:06,090
Uh huh. And the West of London a theatre
show. This would be lo.. Bit of class
486
00:32:06,100 --> 00:32:08,580
And is finally.. And then you..
This and you are going
487
00:32:08,780 --> 00:32:09,780
For fuck sake
488
00:32:10,680 --> 00:32:12,260
You brought the ticket. And how do
you two know each other?
489
00:32:12,960 --> 00:32:15,250
That's your mum?
wow! you.. you..
490
00:32:15,460 --> 00:32:19,750
You don't even look like....
you look like if you could be sisters
491
00:32:19,950 --> 00:32:23,950
You don't look young
she looks fucking old
492
00:32:29,300 --> 00:32:31,700
I can't help myself. Its some sort of ...
493
00:32:31,750 --> 00:32:34,800
I love the fact you have just turned
around and go: "Does she?"
494
00:32:36,600 --> 00:32:38,650
What have you done to yourself there
you got a little thing on your...
495
00:32:39,950 --> 00:32:41,625
What did you do...
He has got a little bandage on his face
496
00:32:41,630 --> 00:32:43,925
there. What have you done?
- I had a growth cut off..
497
00:32:43,930 --> 00:32:46,345
You had a growth cut off your face?
498
00:32:47,545 --> 00:32:49,245
Ah! Sexy.
499
00:32:50,245 --> 00:32:51,445
Wow!
- It looked better off
500
00:32:51,845 --> 00:32:54,425
It looked better off than... No I like the
little thing. It's very match up
501
00:32:54,430 --> 00:32:56,625
You could make up a better
story than that. I feel
502
00:32:57,225 --> 00:33:00,125
There's gotta be a better story than
"I had a growth"
503
00:33:04,125 --> 00:33:06,685
I had a black eye a while back.
I had a black eye because umm..
504
00:33:06,885 --> 00:33:09,585
Playing tennis. I got tennis ball in the
face. I got black eye
505
00:33:10,005 --> 00:33:13,342
Obviously that's a shit story. So
what I said to people initially was
506
00:33:13,350 --> 00:33:17,022
You should see the other bloke.
Fun for about half an hour
507
00:33:17,722 --> 00:33:20,322
Then I hit upon this.
People said what happened to your eye? I go:
508
00:33:21,422 --> 00:33:24,222
"You should see my wife."
509
00:33:28,222 --> 00:33:30,522
You can visit her.
She is in hospital
510
00:33:32,652 --> 00:33:34,362
See it's all class this, Camilla.
511
00:33:34,662 --> 00:33:36,362
Wife beating..
512
00:33:39,062 --> 00:33:41,662
Good. We will check in with you
from time to time. Check if you are happy
513
00:33:43,262 --> 00:33:47,002
I read that drinking your own urine
is meant to be good for you
514
00:33:47,752 --> 00:33:48,952
Bull shit
515
00:33:49,352 --> 00:33:53,352
I put my back out...
516
00:33:59,999 --> 00:34:02,636
Just a little tip for you. If you ever find
yourself in front of 500 people
517
00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:06,176
You don't know that well. Miming drinking
piss out of your own cock
518
00:34:07,006 --> 00:34:10,076
Make it a double hander
519
00:34:16,976 --> 00:34:18,200
What do you do. I didn't ask
What do you do?
520
00:34:18,900 --> 00:34:20,490
- I have a diving school in Indonesia
521
00:34:20,690 --> 00:34:23,400
You have a diving school in Indonesia
522
00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:25,600
Wow!
523
00:34:25,800 --> 00:34:29,060
I mean I have heard some
tall stories that paedophiles tell
524
00:34:30,660 --> 00:34:33,160
You are a sexual tourist.
You disgust me.
525
00:34:34,660 --> 00:34:37,260
What kind of diving?
526
00:34:40,060 --> 00:34:42,260
That sound fucking great.
Well done you
527
00:34:42,660 --> 00:34:45,690
I was gonna go diving in Indonesia
last year But I... I read this thing online
528
00:34:45,890 --> 00:34:49,190
That said you can get a thing where..
529
00:34:50,390 --> 00:34:52,390
Growth on your face..
530
00:34:58,390 --> 00:35:00,770
Tiny little things irritate me in life.
I don't know if you get this but really
531
00:35:00,780 --> 00:35:02,080
Quite trivial things annoy me.
532
00:35:02,280 --> 00:35:04,495
You know when you go into fish and chips
shop.Let's say on a Friday right?
533
00:35:04,695 --> 00:35:07,680
And the guy in all too chirpy voice.
Its the chirpiness that gets me
534
00:35:07,780 --> 00:35:10,690
Goes. As you walk in Goes:
"Chips will be five minutes."
535
00:35:11,730 --> 00:35:15,890
What? What do you mean that chips
are gonna be five minutes?
536
00:35:16,090 --> 00:35:18,090
Did you not think I was gonna order chips?
537
00:35:18,290 --> 00:35:20,590
It's a chip shop. The clue
is very much in the name
538
00:35:21,090 --> 00:35:24,590
This is the one scenario you really
should have been prepared for
539
00:35:25,590 --> 00:35:28,690
Some of you go to Greg's or any high street
bakery. Go into any high street bakery
540
00:35:28,695 --> 00:35:31,945
At 4'oclock in the afternoon and they will
say in the same voice wherever you go
541
00:35:31,950 --> 00:35:35,975
In the country. They will go:
"We have run out of rolls"
542
00:35:37,475 --> 00:35:41,575
And then they will explain it. They will go:
Lot of people came in at lunch and had rolls
543
00:35:41,975 --> 00:35:43,175
"Now we have run out."
544
00:35:44,345 --> 00:35:46,575
Like there was nothing they could do
545
00:35:47,275 --> 00:35:50,135
Make some more you fucking retard
Jesus!
546
00:35:52,635 --> 00:35:54,335
I sometimes get in Starbucks.
You go in Starbucks?
547
00:35:54,340 --> 00:35:57,760
I love Starbucks. I love the Posh coffee.
You walk in there though at the end of day
548
00:35:57,770 --> 00:36:01,000
And they will go:
"We have turned the coffee machine off."
549
00:36:01,500 --> 00:36:04,160
Well, Turn it back on fuck knuckle
550
00:36:04,960 --> 00:36:06,970
I didn't come in here for a chat
I want a fucking coffee
551
00:36:07,770 --> 00:36:10,370
I sometimes get in the department stores at
the end of the day. You know if you are in
552
00:36:10,380 --> 00:36:12,690
Big department store at the end of the day.
You get, from behind the counter
553
00:36:12,695 --> 00:36:14,350
Quite a snooty voice
554
00:36:14,750 --> 00:36:17,750
"Excuse me, We are closed."
555
00:36:17,950 --> 00:36:20,250
You find yourself thinking...
556
00:36:21,250 --> 00:36:23,350
How did I get in here
557
00:36:25,250 --> 00:36:27,650
Am I a burglar?
558
00:36:27,850 --> 00:36:29,550
I don't wanna be a burglar
559
00:36:30,350 --> 00:36:32,360
Do you go into McDonalds?
You might go in there later on.
560
00:36:32,560 --> 00:36:34,250
You might need a poo.
561
00:36:37,950 --> 00:36:42,350
Have you noticed how underneath McDonalds
it still says: "Restaurant"
562
00:36:42,750 --> 00:36:45,745
Who is that for?
Who doesn't know what McDonalds do?
563
00:36:45,750 --> 00:36:49,945
And also Restaurant.
Is it a restaurant? Really?
564
00:36:50,765 --> 00:36:53,040
You guys are a couple. Right?
How long you been together?
565
00:36:55,240 --> 00:36:57,655
Year and a bit OK so long term relationship
year and a bit you been together.
566
00:36:57,660 --> 00:37:01,580
How annoyed would you be madam on a scale
Between one and fucking very
567
00:37:02,980 --> 00:37:06,750
If next valentine he said to you:
"Yeah I booked a restaurant, Yeah"
568
00:37:10,350 --> 00:37:12,250
Yeah I spoke to the maître d'
Yeah
569
00:37:12,450 --> 00:37:13,950
Ronald I think his name was
570
00:37:16,150 --> 00:37:20,250
He was either the maître d'. or a five star
general cos he had the whole there...
571
00:37:22,250 --> 00:37:25,250
I have organized a table for two and he
recommends the Fillo Fish
572
00:37:26,550 --> 00:37:28,850
You'd fucking kill him. Wouldn't you?
- Yes
573
00:37:29,550 --> 00:37:31,780
Who doesn't know what McDonalds do at
this stage. You'd have been living
574
00:37:31,781 --> 00:37:34,280
Underground for 25 fucking years.
575
00:37:45,480 --> 00:37:47,980
What is this? (Austrian Accent)
576
00:37:49,480 --> 00:37:53,780
Hamburger?
Schnitzel..
577
00:37:54,680 --> 00:37:56,780
Schnitzel for a Fritzer.
578
00:38:04,080 --> 00:38:06,560
I got stopped outside McDonalds.
This guy said to me the other day.
579
00:38:06,570 --> 00:38:10,170
He said: "This cheap food is only made
possible by GM farming cruelty to animals
580
00:38:10,175 --> 00:38:11,870
"And exploitation of workers
in the 3rd world."
581
00:38:12,790 --> 00:38:14,080
I said: "All right, Hold up.
582
00:38:14,280 --> 00:38:16,580
"You had me at cheap food."
583
00:38:17,880 --> 00:38:20,380
"I'm going in there. There is
no need for the hard sale
584
00:38:21,580 --> 00:38:24,380
"All that other stuff is just a bonus."
585
00:38:27,480 --> 00:38:31,580
Do you get the super patronising warning
from the waiter about the hot plate?
586
00:38:31,590 --> 00:38:33,080
Do you get that when you go out for a meal?
- Yeah
587
00:38:33,480 --> 00:38:36,799
The minute.. it arrives and the waiter goes
"Be careful the plate is very hot."
588
00:38:40,009 --> 00:38:42,770
You think Yeah I'm a grown up I think
I can operate a plate
589
00:38:43,560 --> 00:38:47,690
Also I can't help but notice Mr. Patronising
Waiter you just put it down with your hand
590
00:38:48,790 --> 00:38:50,990
But it's too hot for my little fingers
591
00:38:51,590 --> 00:38:55,640
I tell you what Mr. Patronising Waiter
should we see if it's hot? Shall we?
592
00:38:55,940 --> 00:38:56,640
Ahhh!!
593
00:38:58,040 --> 00:38:59,640
It's really hot.
594
00:38:59,940 --> 00:39:02,440
I don't wanna be a dick
but you should have said.
595
00:39:05,240 --> 00:39:08,909
In show business they say Never work with
children or animals and nowhere is that
596
00:39:08,910 --> 00:39:11,859
Truer than Porno
597
00:39:14,059 --> 00:39:16,930
No one likes looking at sick and
degrading pornography
598
00:39:17,400 --> 00:39:19,380
More than me
599
00:39:22,080 --> 00:39:26,110
And one friend I have who has a
"Diving School"
600
00:39:28,310 --> 00:39:30,390
Any gay priests in?
601
00:39:33,190 --> 00:39:36,000
No. I'm just... For those of you that
collective noun for gay priests:
602
00:39:36,500 --> 00:39:37,900
Priests.
603
00:39:38,900 --> 00:39:40,200
It's an easy one to remember. Isn't?
604
00:39:40,750 --> 00:39:43,690
Because gay priests were in the news
Because if you are a gay priest you can now
605
00:39:43,695 --> 00:39:46,800
Marry another gay priest. They wouldn't
allow it for ages because it was gonna be
606
00:39:46,810 --> 00:39:51,670
Confusing during the ceremony because
would they say do you take this man or ...
607
00:39:53,870 --> 00:39:56,870
Does he ... take you?
608
00:39:57,770 --> 00:39:59,770
Who is the mummy?
609
00:40:00,970 --> 00:40:02,190
Seems a bit awkward
610
00:40:02,990 --> 00:40:07,800
I like to meet a gay priest cos normally
priests do that sort of nomen parterre thing
611
00:40:07,810 --> 00:40:08,830
Whatever that is
612
00:40:09,130 --> 00:40:11,290
I imagine a gay priest would be
a little bit more...
613
00:40:13,990 --> 00:40:15,490
You know a little bit more charismatic
614
00:40:15,890 --> 00:40:18,390
Jesus Christ
You look amazing
615
00:40:25,100 --> 00:40:27,490
Yeah. I'm gonna kneel down
before you.
616
00:40:29,400 --> 00:40:31,040
What? Come on!
617
00:40:31,240 --> 00:40:33,290
Jesus was definitely a fag.
618
00:40:35,000 --> 00:40:37,390
He hung out with twelve sailors
619
00:40:38,290 --> 00:40:40,090
Fishermen Whatever!
620
00:40:40,690 --> 00:40:43,490
I'm going away. We are having
a dinner No girls
621
00:40:48,890 --> 00:40:51,000
And he had a six pack. uff
622
00:40:54,100 --> 00:40:55,500
I have got a family pack
623
00:40:57,770 --> 00:41:01,000
The Church wanted to move forward on
female bishops. But bishops can only move
624
00:41:01,010 --> 00:41:02,600
Diagonally.
625
00:41:04,300 --> 00:41:08,100
Gay priests can move wherever they
want because they are queens
626
00:41:10,500 --> 00:41:12,600
Altogether or not at all
on the applause
627
00:41:13,800 --> 00:41:15,750
Otherwise we gotta throw
you a fucking fish.
628
00:41:17,850 --> 00:41:19,050
Thanks very much.
629
00:41:19,900 --> 00:41:22,030
I don't believe in God I'm ... I'm
actually an atheist
630
00:41:22,035 --> 00:41:25,550
Not even an atheist. Sorry I don't believe
in God seems to be obvious now after
631
00:41:25,555 --> 00:41:27,350
The Jesus is a fag comment
632
00:41:29,020 --> 00:41:31,997
But I don't believe in God. I'm not even
an atheist. I'm what you might call
633
00:41:31,998 --> 00:41:36,500
Anti Theist. I think religion is a bad idea.
I think it's a tool used by the powers
634
00:41:36,510 --> 00:41:39,060
To be to control the
weak minded in our society.
635
00:41:39,260 --> 00:41:40,440
But you can't put that on a form
636
00:41:40,442 --> 00:41:42,920
So I just write:
"Church Of England"
637
00:41:44,420 --> 00:41:46,393
I'm actually a lapsed Catholic.
Any Catholics in?
638
00:41:46,993 --> 00:41:47,253
- Yeah
639
00:41:47,453 --> 00:41:48,480
Oh! Quite a few of you over there
Yeah.
640
00:41:48,485 --> 00:41:51,572
I'm a lapsed Catholic. I knew my days
were over in the Catholic church
641
00:41:51,575 --> 00:41:53,934
When I found myself at communion thinking:
642
00:41:54,134 --> 00:42:00,350
"I like the wine, I'm loving the wafer.
Any chance of a bit of cheese?"
643
00:42:02,050 --> 00:42:04,656
Don't get me wrong though I still respect
the Pope. I like to think of Pope as:
644
00:42:04,856 --> 00:42:06,686
"King of the Paedos"
645
00:42:08,586 --> 00:42:10,677
He is the best one. He is the
"Ring Leader"
646
00:42:13,077 --> 00:42:15,607
He is Gary Glitter's boss
647
00:42:19,611 --> 00:42:23,316
Did you see the story about Gary Glitter?
There was a GCSE music question
648
00:42:23,317 --> 00:42:24,516
about Gary Glitter.
649
00:42:25,166 --> 00:42:26,476
How bad is that?
650
00:42:27,076 --> 00:42:31,365
How bad is that? A GCSE music question
about a Gary Glitter song.
651
00:42:31,366 --> 00:42:33,811
Cos if there is one artist you don't
wanna associate with the phrase:
652
00:42:33,815 --> 00:42:37,311
"Sshh! Turn over. You got an hour."
653
00:42:46,911 --> 00:42:50,311
I should leave Glitter alone. He just
wants to settle down and have kids
654
00:42:53,691 --> 00:42:56,243
Well, I though We might have some questions
from you the audience but I often
655
00:42:56,244 --> 00:42:58,883
Get asked the same things by
audiences around the country
656
00:42:59,083 --> 00:43:01,490
So I have prepared some FAQs questions
to go through first
657
00:43:04,290 --> 00:43:06,882
I get asked after every gig by men of
certain age they would go to me:
658
00:43:06,883 --> 00:43:09,300
"You been on Top Gear
Who is the stig?"
659
00:43:10,050 --> 00:43:12,030
Do you wanna know?
- Yes
660
00:43:12,530 --> 00:43:15,000
It's the girl from the Xavierx ads.
661
00:43:15,900 --> 00:43:17,894
I often get asked favourite colour.
It's such a weird question
662
00:43:17,895 --> 00:43:19,810
Because colour is all about context
For example
663
00:43:19,815 --> 00:43:23,704
Bright Red: Bright red is a great colour
for a sports car. It's a terrible colour for
664
00:43:23,705 --> 00:43:24,904
An Anus.
665
00:43:28,804 --> 00:43:31,550
We all like the green grass
and trees and leaves
666
00:43:31,750 --> 00:43:33,750
But discharge?
667
00:43:36,250 --> 00:43:37,998
Every one likes blue skies
668
00:43:38,198 --> 00:43:39,198
But Pensioners?
669
00:43:42,058 --> 00:43:44,200
Don't give me the Owhhhh!
I have already toned that down
670
00:43:44,205 --> 00:43:46,500
That was originally
Dead Babies
671
00:43:52,400 --> 00:43:54,970
Someone asked me recently:
"Any grooming tips?"
672
00:43:55,470 --> 00:43:57,850
I said: "Yeah don't do it. It's illegal"
673
00:44:01,000 --> 00:44:02,560
Sorry. I can't help but notice you
look quite young there.
674
00:44:02,565 --> 00:44:04,320
How old are you sir?
Do you mind me asking?
675
00:44:04,520 --> 00:44:05,520
You are what sorry?
676
00:44:05,820 --> 00:44:07,020
You are 13?
677
00:44:07,820 --> 00:44:09,945
Did you understand that grooming joke?
678
00:44:10,745 --> 00:44:13,745
Just I can explain it to
you backstage after
679
00:44:24,945 --> 00:44:26,745
Most natural thing in the world
Sshhhhh!
680
00:44:27,545 --> 00:44:29,245
And who you here with. Your dad?
- Yeah
681
00:44:29,445 --> 00:44:30,505
You are fine with this filth.
Aren't you sir?
682
00:44:32,305 --> 00:44:34,020
Are you fine with this level of filth?
683
00:44:34,220 --> 00:44:36,520
Good. You couldn't give a fuck.
Brilliant
684
00:44:37,620 --> 00:44:39,680
Well, The good news is you
have got a cool dad
685
00:44:40,280 --> 00:44:43,080
Bad news is:
You gonna have to go into the Care
686
00:44:44,680 --> 00:44:46,380
Cos he is not very responsible.
687
00:44:50,250 --> 00:44:52,414
I get asked: "What did you study?"
I did Philosophy in English.
688
00:44:52,420 --> 00:44:54,430
Well I say I did Philosophy in English
What I mean is I thought about
689
00:44:54,431 --> 00:44:55,630
Reading a book.
690
00:44:59,750 --> 00:45:01,040
What did you do before you did this?
691
00:45:01,140 --> 00:45:03,580
I was backstage masturbating and crying
692
00:45:05,480 --> 00:45:07,080
What would you be if
you weren't a famous comedian?
693
00:45:07,280 --> 00:45:09,820
I'd be a comedian you hadn't known of
694
00:45:10,220 --> 00:45:13,407
Who is you favourite comedian of
all time ever?. Well I would have to say
695
00:45:13,807 --> 00:45:14,907
Me
696
00:45:15,967 --> 00:45:17,560
I know it sounds a little
bit arrogant but think about it
697
00:45:17,565 --> 00:45:19,660
It is exactly my sense of humour.
698
00:45:20,760 --> 00:45:23,410
People come up to me all the time
and say: "I love your sarcasm"
699
00:45:23,960 --> 00:45:26,010
I say: "Do you really?"
700
00:45:29,510 --> 00:45:31,715
I often get asked... This is fair enough
He is a funny boy and he is doing very well
701
00:45:31,716 --> 00:45:35,480
For himself. People often ask me:
"Are you related to Alan Carr?"
702
00:45:35,490 --> 00:45:36,717
Yes.
703
00:45:36,917 --> 00:45:38,717
He is my sister.
704
00:45:42,780 --> 00:45:45,040
There is Me, Alan and Maxine
705
00:45:47,740 --> 00:45:49,648
Us two were livid
706
00:45:50,248 --> 00:45:52,248
When we found out
Alan was gay.
707
00:45:54,260 --> 00:45:56,160
I often get asked about that
People often ask me:
708
00:45:56,161 --> 00:45:58,675
"Have you ever had any gay experiences?"
709
00:45:58,680 --> 00:46:00,875
Well, Yes. I have had gay experiences
710
00:46:01,275 --> 00:46:03,985
I've been in a shoe shop and said:
"I have to have them."
711
00:46:05,385 --> 00:46:08,465
I have described a cheese cake as
"To die for"
712
00:46:09,265 --> 00:46:13,320
But I never had the gay experience when
someone puts their cock in my mouth or bum
713
00:46:14,420 --> 00:46:16,820
And really that is one that counts
714
00:46:17,850 --> 00:46:20,220
Doesn't count if you do it to them
does it?
715
00:46:23,020 --> 00:46:24,220
Does it?
716
00:46:25,120 --> 00:46:27,500
I thought it wasn't gay
if you didn't push back
717
00:46:29,500 --> 00:46:32,450
It's definitely not gay if you
beat them up afterwards
718
00:46:36,950 --> 00:46:40,765
I often get asked this: "What celebrity
would you most like to sleep with?"
719
00:46:41,465 --> 00:46:43,965
Angelina Jolie. I'd love to
have a go on that
720
00:46:46,000 --> 00:46:47,460
She is an attractive woman. Isn't she?
721
00:46:47,465 --> 00:46:48,980
I had a dream about
her a couple of weeks ago
722
00:46:48,981 --> 00:46:52,680
I'm not saying it was sexy I had to
get the sheets off with a toffee hammer
723
00:46:56,000 --> 00:46:58,886
That's a weird joke. Isn't it?. Cos once
your mind has to go Ugh! and
724
00:46:59,086 --> 00:47:00,086
Ah! Toffee Hammers
725
00:47:03,286 --> 00:47:05,542
I have realised I haven't got much of a
chance with Angelina Jolie
726
00:47:05,543 --> 00:47:08,792
She is with Brad Pitt.
I have got a face like a potato
727
00:47:10,992 --> 00:47:13,202
My only chance with her is if I black up
and check myself into
728
00:47:13,203 --> 00:47:15,602
A Mozambique orphanage
729
00:47:18,162 --> 00:47:21,202
But that could backfire you could
end up fucking Madonna
730
00:47:24,102 --> 00:47:27,185
People often ask me favourite joke
and its not a bad question
731
00:47:27,186 --> 00:47:30,122
Cos, I have spent my life writing books
about jokes and thinking about jokes
732
00:47:30,125 --> 00:47:32,292
I'm quite obsessed by jokes.
So its a fair question
733
00:47:32,293 --> 00:47:35,542
I like sort of pub jokes that can drop a
nice image in your head
734
00:47:35,545 --> 00:47:38,522
I like: Why do women
watch porn to the end?
735
00:47:39,364 --> 00:47:41,882
To see if they get married.
736
00:47:45,002 --> 00:47:46,382
It's adorable. Isn't it?
737
00:47:47,182 --> 00:47:49,695
I like this joke cos this is very
Northern. Very Yorkshire joke
738
00:47:49,700 --> 00:47:51,295
Any Yorkshire people in?
- Yeah
739
00:47:51,300 --> 00:47:54,000
I'll tell in Yorkshire accent.
Patronising
740
00:47:55,500 --> 00:47:57,600
We didn't have paedophiles
when I were a lad.
741
00:47:58,200 --> 00:47:59,900
We had to buy our own sweets
742
00:48:03,800 --> 00:48:06,900
Come on!
How Yorkshire is that?
743
00:48:10,300 --> 00:48:12,927
I got told this one. Just a pub joke
I got told couple of months ago just
744
00:48:12,930 --> 00:48:14,770
By a friend and just really tickled me
745
00:48:14,970 --> 00:48:17,702
He said: What's the difference
between Jam and Marmalade?
746
00:48:17,902 --> 00:48:20,802
I said I don't know the difference between
Jam and Marmalade, You'll have to tell me
747
00:48:21,002 --> 00:48:24,302
He said: You can't marmalade your cock
up a bird's arse.
748
00:48:27,302 --> 00:48:32,572
I know. I know. I know
I know. I know its a bit much I know
749
00:48:33,172 --> 00:48:35,410
But there is a good reason
for me telling you that joke
750
00:48:35,610 --> 00:48:38,238
Don't you find it awkward when the
in laws come to stay at your house
751
00:48:38,250 --> 00:48:40,763
You find that weird? When her mum and dad
come to stay at your house?
752
00:48:40,765 --> 00:48:43,555
I find it really weird.. I feel
like a child in my own home
753
00:48:43,955 --> 00:48:46,889
Breakfast is the worst time for me cos
I'm not really a morning person anyway
754
00:48:46,890 --> 00:48:49,367
All you can hear is the crunch of toasts
slurping of tea
755
00:48:49,370 --> 00:48:51,202
There's no conversation.
It's just awkward.
756
00:48:51,302 --> 00:48:54,102
Yeah. Every one is Jim jams and robes.
That's just weird
757
00:48:54,902 --> 00:48:57,142
What I have given you there
A lovely little ice breaker
758
00:49:00,050 --> 00:49:02,942
Cos when her dad says:
"Could you pass the jam?"
759
00:49:04,692 --> 00:49:06,842
Here is one for you
760
00:49:09,542 --> 00:49:12,562
No. Don't cry cos you can jam your...
761
00:49:15,562 --> 00:49:17,714
Has anyone got any questions this evening?
Anything you would like to know?
762
00:49:17,914 --> 00:49:20,004
- Jimmy. Yes
- If you couldn't be a comedian...
763
00:49:20,005 --> 00:49:22,604
If I wasn't a comedian..
- If you couldn't be a comedian..
764
00:49:22,650 --> 00:49:25,764
If I couldn't be a comedian..
Many people would say I can't be
765
00:49:26,464 --> 00:49:28,764
There is a school of thought that says
"What the fuck is he doing?"
766
00:49:28,864 --> 00:49:31,664
But go on, If I couldn't be a comedian?
- What would you do?
767
00:49:33,004 --> 00:49:36,000
I.. The same as you. I would
dress up as Emily
768
00:49:39,900 --> 00:49:41,900
And wonder the streets
looking for adventure
769
00:49:45,800 --> 00:49:49,110
It's a good look. I'm loving that.
What do you do? - I'm a student
770
00:49:49,210 --> 00:49:51,635
You are a student. Where are you studying
You studying in London?
771
00:49:51,735 --> 00:49:54,495
Canterbury. Ow never mind.
Maybe if you had worked a little bit harder
772
00:49:54,500 --> 00:49:55,695
For your A-Levels.
773
00:50:00,295 --> 00:50:04,000
Canterbury University. You say Canterbury
but what I hear is Clearing
774
00:50:06,900 --> 00:50:08,700
Yeah there is no shame in that.
That's fine
775
00:50:09,480 --> 00:50:10,300
Any other thoughts?
776
00:50:10,500 --> 00:50:12,500
Come on you go on. - What's the best
thing that ever happened to you?
777
00:50:12,501 --> 00:50:15,300
What's the best thing... ?
The time we fucked.
778
00:50:21,300 --> 00:50:24,500
I know you don't remember but that
is the wonder of Rohypnol
779
00:50:26,800 --> 00:50:28,600
Trust me. It was magical
780
00:50:31,100 --> 00:50:33,000
Are you good?
781
00:50:35,200 --> 00:50:36,200
No.
- You said it not me
782
00:50:36,300 --> 00:50:38,700
No. No You are now saying you
are good at fucking. That's great
783
00:50:39,500 --> 00:50:42,200
I'll put that on my DvD and your
mum and dad can watch.
784
00:50:48,800 --> 00:50:52,200
The man next to you
incidentally is sort of going ....
785
00:50:53,100 --> 00:50:55,400
She has got a point.
She is fucking marvellous.
786
00:50:55,600 --> 00:50:57,010
Excellent. Nice to get a
good review.
787
00:50:59,000 --> 00:51:00,380
Any other thoughts?
Questions?
788
00:51:00,580 --> 00:51:03,480
- If you were a soup what flavour
of soup would you be?
789
00:51:07,580 --> 00:51:11,780
He said: "If you were a soup what flavour
of soup would you be?"
790
00:51:17,780 --> 00:51:20,780
Is that who I think it is?
Is that the BFG?
791
00:51:23,000 --> 00:51:25,290
What kind of a soup would you be?
792
00:51:25,990 --> 00:51:28,590
I would be a lovely, delicious
Wan Tan soup
793
00:51:29,230 --> 00:51:30,829
I don't know what kind of a soup...
794
00:51:31,029 --> 00:51:32,804
What kind of a soup would you be?
Is there a leading...?
795
00:51:35,194 --> 00:51:37,464
I'd be Tomato and ...
796
00:51:37,964 --> 00:51:40,464
You have got the loveliest
voice in the world.
797
00:51:41,264 --> 00:51:42,664
- Can you get me a date tonight?
798
00:51:42,964 --> 00:51:44,624
What sorry?
- Get me a date tonight?
799
00:51:44,824 --> 00:51:49,294
Get you a date? Not a problem
Do you like 13 year old boys?
800
00:51:58,194 --> 00:51:59,954
Sorry Mate.
801
00:52:00,654 --> 00:52:03,254
We are all having a laugh. You are going:
"Is that gonna happen or no..."
802
00:52:04,154 --> 00:52:06,740
You are fine. You are golden.
And what's your name Sir?
803
00:52:07,640 --> 00:52:11,220
Steven.
Steve
804
00:52:11,250 --> 00:52:14,690
What do you do Steve?
I'm a Dentist.
805
00:52:14,890 --> 00:52:16,790
And I like soup.
806
00:52:19,990 --> 00:52:22,990
You are never going to
chip a tooth on soup.
807
00:52:26,860 --> 00:52:29,360
Said the BFG.
808
00:52:30,160 --> 00:52:32,260
You are wasted. You should be doing
voice overs. It's lovely
809
00:52:32,860 --> 00:52:34,990
- I'll go on a date with ya.
810
00:52:35,590 --> 00:52:39,600
There is a .. There is a large titted
slag that will fuck you
811
00:52:47,300 --> 00:52:50,664
She is pretty hot. She is all right. I don't
know if you can see. Can you see her there?
812
00:52:50,864 --> 00:52:52,957
Steve? She is all right.
- Can she stand up?
813
00:52:53,007 --> 00:52:55,957
Could she stand up.
I don't think she could..
814
00:52:58,657 --> 00:53:00,357
Would you like to have a go on that?
815
00:53:07,657 --> 00:53:11,997
She said Woo really quietly but it
picked up an echo from her enormous..
816
00:53:14,097 --> 00:53:16,997
Its gonna be like throwing sausage up
the alleyway but...
817
00:53:19,007 --> 00:53:20,467
I'm only kidding
818
00:53:20,867 --> 00:53:22,535
What's your name madam?
- Tracy
819
00:53:22,635 --> 00:53:24,005
Tracy.
820
00:53:24,505 --> 00:53:26,085
Of course it fucking is.
821
00:53:28,485 --> 00:53:31,305
Of course it is. Of course.
822
00:53:33,585 --> 00:53:36,405
Sorry let's ask...
You two can meet in the lobby
823
00:53:36,410 --> 00:53:38,464
You have got the same sense of humour
and she is you know...
824
00:53:38,465 --> 00:53:40,415
- And she is easy.
What sorry?
825
00:53:42,705 --> 00:53:44,195
She is easy
826
00:53:45,895 --> 00:53:48,182
When I was younger I couldn't
talk to women
827
00:53:48,190 --> 00:53:50,682
Because I was hiding in their
wardrobes masturbating.
828
00:53:52,582 --> 00:53:54,382
It would have totally given it away.
829
00:53:55,002 --> 00:53:56,482
You didn't see that coming. Did you?
830
00:53:59,082 --> 00:54:01,230
I have written a Romcom, I wanted to tell
you about this I have written a
831
00:54:01,231 --> 00:54:04,510
Romantic comedy. It's about a guy and a girl
Classic. Yeah.
832
00:54:04,710 --> 00:54:07,420
Initially they hate each other. Classic
833
00:54:07,620 --> 00:54:09,460
But end up in bed together.
Classic
834
00:54:10,070 --> 00:54:12,060
It's called "The Rapist"
835
00:54:16,240 --> 00:54:19,299
If you get arrested for making obscene
phone calls and you get taken down to
836
00:54:19,300 --> 00:54:21,729
The station and you got one phone call
837
00:54:23,219 --> 00:54:25,359
It's gonna be a temptation. Isn't it?
838
00:54:27,029 --> 00:54:29,259
Excuse me office, I'm just gonna
finish myself off.
839
00:54:31,759 --> 00:54:35,902
You can say PCs gone mad and no one minds
People quite like if you say PCs gone mad
840
00:54:35,910 --> 00:54:38,042
Political Correctness has gone mad.
They like that
841
00:54:38,050 --> 00:54:42,202
But if you say PC's gone
fucking spastic like a Monk rapist
842
00:54:43,898 --> 00:54:45,922
People get quite chippy
843
00:54:46,322 --> 00:54:49,030
Sorry, I should clarify When I say
Fucking Spastic like a monk rapist
844
00:54:49,035 --> 00:54:51,830
I mean a rapist that rapes monks not
a monk that rapes
845
00:54:52,470 --> 00:54:54,080
I don't wanna offend any one
846
00:54:55,080 --> 00:54:58,020
Although thinking about it, getting
raped by a monk, Not as bad.
847
00:54:58,670 --> 00:55:00,520
At least you get a cuddle afterwards
848
00:55:08,800 --> 00:55:11,360
Although good luck in the police line up
849
00:55:14,560 --> 00:55:16,335
They all look a bit same to me
850
00:55:19,405 --> 00:55:20,855
Swings and round abouts.
851
00:55:21,435 --> 00:55:23,115
Ah! what they like
852
00:55:26,485 --> 00:55:29,615
While we are on the subject of Down Syndrome
That's not a line you hear enough
853
00:55:30,950 --> 00:55:33,415
While we are on subject of Down Syndrome
Don't they have enough to worry about
854
00:55:33,420 --> 00:55:34,615
Without they haircut.
855
00:55:37,915 --> 00:55:41,595
What Sadistic barber is thinking:
"This fellow is not getting bullied enough."
856
00:55:42,495 --> 00:55:44,645
What about a bald cut.
857
00:55:47,545 --> 00:55:50,380
Last July I was in Region's Park just
hanging out with couple of friends
858
00:55:50,385 --> 00:55:55,120
On a beautiful summer's day.
I saw a Muslim woman in full kit
859
00:55:56,620 --> 00:55:58,240
All right, It's not called kit.
860
00:55:58,940 --> 00:56:01,230
Hijab, Burqa, Yashmak The full thing yeah.
861
00:56:02,000 --> 00:56:03,430
Roller Blading.
862
00:56:06,100 --> 00:56:07,750
It looked amazing.
863
00:56:08,150 --> 00:56:13,390
Cos it was such a hot day it looked like
someone's shadow would got up and fucked off
864
00:56:23,090 --> 00:56:27,215
No. Obviously that's a joke about religious
dress not a joke about ethnicity or race
865
00:56:27,220 --> 00:56:29,795
Because I say Muslim women but I don't
know for sure
866
00:56:29,805 --> 00:56:32,025
You can't tell with that sort of thing.
Can you?
867
00:56:32,725 --> 00:56:34,950
It could have been a Catholic fellow for
under there for all I know
868
00:56:36,050 --> 00:56:37,360
Or a Ninja.
869
00:56:39,860 --> 00:56:42,562
There used to be a problem with racism
in this country. When my family moved here
870
00:56:42,565 --> 00:56:46,787
From Limerick. My family moved here from
Limerick in 1970s. It was still common place
871
00:56:46,790 --> 00:56:49,728
Yeah. To have signs in hotels and B&Bs in
the window saying:
872
00:56:49,730 --> 00:56:53,314
"No Blacks, No Dogs, No Irish"
I thought this country had changed
873
00:56:53,315 --> 00:56:55,454
And changed for the better.
I'm not so sure
874
00:56:55,500 --> 00:56:59,954
I was in a shop the other day there was a
sign up saying.Checks (Czechs) not accepted
875
00:57:01,654 --> 00:57:02,954
It's a disgrace
876
00:57:03,344 --> 00:57:06,291
I saw a thing on Sky News the bloke went:
"Should Eastern European Immigration be...
877
00:57:06,292 --> 00:57:09,041
"Stopped. Let's see what the
Polls have to say"
878
00:57:11,716 --> 00:57:13,661
That's a very poor choice of words
879
00:57:14,333 --> 00:57:17,071
Some people eat road kill.
have you heard about this?
880
00:57:17,081 --> 00:57:20,353
They take stuff that's been mowed down
on the streets. They scrape it up they clean
881
00:57:20,355 --> 00:57:21,826
it They cook it. They eat it.
882
00:57:22,026 --> 00:57:25,866
Fine. But What you have got to accept is
that some of these kids have got families.
883
00:57:30,246 --> 00:57:33,044
I got a couple of speeding tickets last year
I have got to be super careful now
884
00:57:33,050 --> 00:57:35,414
I have got six points on my licence. So I
got this special device.
885
00:57:35,415 --> 00:57:38,781
Some of you have probably got it too.
Sits on the dashboard tells you if there's
886
00:57:38,782 --> 00:57:41,147
A speed camera in the street. Makes a
beeping noise.. Goes: Beep beep beep
887
00:57:41,150 --> 00:57:42,310
To warn you there's a speed camera.
888
00:57:42,315 --> 00:57:46,055
Also makes a noise if there's a child in
the road. It goes: Burdum, Burdum
889
00:57:50,220 --> 00:57:51,255
What?
890
00:57:51,955 --> 00:57:54,285
Last week I ran over
a kid carrying a symbol
891
00:57:57,316 --> 00:57:58,705
Bronchhh!!!!
892
00:57:59,905 --> 00:58:02,145
Come on!
893
00:58:07,493 --> 00:58:08,708
What's not to like it?
894
00:58:08,908 --> 00:58:11,970
It's a joke about killing
a child in a musical style.
895
00:58:15,590 --> 00:58:16,880
Premature Ejaculation
896
00:58:18,580 --> 00:58:20,399
Is a problem for many men
897
00:58:20,410 --> 00:58:23,699
Well, I say it's a problem for men.
Mainly it's a problem for women.
898
00:58:24,608 --> 00:58:26,824
What do we care. We are asleep.
899
00:58:31,632 --> 00:58:36,378
You can now get practically invisible
spray-on condoms
900
00:58:36,390 --> 00:58:38,046
Which are being designed specifically
901
00:58:38,060 --> 00:58:40,246
For Gullible women.
902
00:58:45,200 --> 00:58:48,220
You can get condoms that are ribbed
for her pleasure So what I do
903
00:58:48,320 --> 00:58:51,120
Turn them inside out
Please myself.
904
00:58:55,205 --> 00:58:57,640
Oh! you probably wondering why I
have asked you here this evening.
905
00:58:59,440 --> 00:59:02,480
I wanted to talk to you about
relationships and sex and love
906
00:59:02,490 --> 00:59:04,180
And I wanted to give you some advice.
Yeah?
907
00:59:04,200 --> 00:59:07,267
Cos it is nice to talk about that
sort of thing and everyone can relate to it
908
00:59:07,270 --> 00:59:09,739
Cos you are either in a happy relationship
Yeah? Or you wanna get into
909
00:59:09,740 --> 00:59:11,603
A happy relationship. Yeah. Or or..
910
00:59:11,605 --> 00:59:15,242
Maybe you have come for eating and
living with too many cats.
911
00:59:15,742 --> 00:59:18,442
Or "Happily Single" as you call it.
912
00:59:20,142 --> 00:59:22,933
So I was gonna give you some advice about
relationship and you know that sort of thing
913
00:59:22,935 --> 00:59:24,517
I thought we might talk to the
single men first.
914
00:59:24,520 --> 00:59:27,203
Who are the single men. Give us a shout?
- Yeah
915
00:59:30,176 --> 00:59:33,528
Said the single men. Yeah that's
probably why you are single
916
00:59:33,728 --> 00:59:37,077
OK. If you are on a date with a woman
do tell her you have got feelings for her
917
00:59:37,080 --> 00:59:39,566
Don't tell her
It's an erection.
918
00:59:40,295 --> 00:59:43,018
Do walk her home
Don't follow her home.
919
00:59:43,975 --> 00:59:47,189
Do surprise her
Don't wear a balaclava
920
00:59:47,689 --> 00:59:50,749
Do offer to pay for dinner
Don't offer to pay for anything else.
921
00:59:51,349 --> 00:59:54,619
Unless it's Tracy in which case a bag of
chips would get you laid
922
00:59:57,819 --> 00:59:59,942
Hey Tracy.
923
01:00:00,442 --> 01:00:04,350
It's a good indicator that a woman fancies
you for when you are talking she touches her hair
924
01:00:04,352 --> 01:00:07,020
If it's a pubic hair It's a cert
925
01:00:08,620 --> 01:00:12,199
Women like the strong silent type.
That's because when we are quiet
926
01:00:12,210 --> 01:00:14,199
They think we are listening.
927
01:00:16,859 --> 01:00:18,529
What you like ladies?
928
01:00:19,009 --> 01:00:20,370
Could be a bit depressing,
being a single man.
929
01:00:20,375 --> 01:00:23,604
Can be. Can be a bit of borak..I have got an
inspirational story,This will cheer you up
930
01:00:23,610 --> 01:00:27,022
Concerns my friend Emily. She is beautiful
She is intelligent and she is funny
931
01:00:27,025 --> 01:00:30,190
She is a tipple threat. She is on a date
with a guy about two months ago
932
01:00:30,191 --> 01:00:32,920
They were having dinner across from each
other. Main course arrives Lasagne as it
933
01:00:32,925 --> 01:00:37,141
Happens OK. He leans across to her plate
Takes a massive bit of that Lasagne, eats it
934
01:00:38,341 --> 01:00:40,680
Without saying anything. Does it again
like 30 seconds later
935
01:00:40,681 --> 01:00:43,133
Another massive bit .. eats it
off her plate
936
01:00:43,333 --> 01:00:44,833
Does it for the third time
937
01:00:46,033 --> 01:00:47,903
All she said was: "What are you doing?"
938
01:00:48,369 --> 01:00:51,813
He came back with this, He said:
"I'm paying for it. Aren't I?"
939
01:00:54,123 --> 01:00:55,823
I know.
940
01:00:56,323 --> 01:00:58,049
The reason I think that's
an inspirational story
941
01:00:58,249 --> 01:01:00,166
She still fucked him.
942
01:01:02,366 --> 01:01:05,336
I can't believe his luck. He got laid
and had half of lasagne.
943
01:01:05,936 --> 01:01:09,283
Is anyone actually on a date this evening? I
can see few people I think might be on dates
944
01:01:09,284 --> 01:01:12,943
But I don't wanna kind of embarrass you
because dates are anxious enough anyway
945
01:01:12,950 --> 01:01:15,044
They are fraught with anxiety. Aren't they?
Being on a date ..
946
01:01:15,050 --> 01:01:16,844
Cos you don't know when you gonna
move in for the kiss
947
01:01:16,850 --> 01:01:20,235
You don't know how its gonna end up later on
They are just weird and awkward.
948
01:01:20,435 --> 01:01:23,530
So I'd like to break the ice for you.
I'll break the ice for you.
949
01:01:23,730 --> 01:01:27,730
Why not suggest fucking in the
disabled toilets.
950
01:01:28,230 --> 01:01:29,600
That's what they are for
951
01:01:30,700 --> 01:01:33,800
That's why they got the hand rail
for more exotic positing.
952
01:01:36,620 --> 01:01:40,600
Don't give me that look. In my defence
when I was in there I was fucking a cripple.
953
01:01:47,020 --> 01:01:50,070
And I'm 90% sure it was consensual.
954
01:01:53,270 --> 01:01:55,070
- How was it?
How was it?
955
01:01:56,970 --> 01:01:58,950
But that is Parkinson's for you.
956
01:02:05,450 --> 01:02:08,050
I think clapping a Parkinson's joke is...
957
01:02:08,900 --> 01:02:11,628
In poor taste ladies and gentlemen.
958
01:02:12,358 --> 01:02:14,579
People do seem obsessed by where others
are having sex.
959
01:02:14,679 --> 01:02:18,099
The mile high club is a good example
Any members of the mile high club in?
960
01:02:18,859 --> 01:02:22,429
Yeah.
Doesn't count if you are on your own
961
01:02:22,809 --> 01:02:26,110
You know that right?
The Mile high club: Making love in a plane.
962
01:02:26,500 --> 01:02:28,533
Sounds exotic and glamorous doesn't it?
But what you really saying is:
963
01:02:28,535 --> 01:02:30,733
"We fucked in a chemical toilet."
964
01:02:31,570 --> 01:02:34,156
Obviously there is a
budget version for you.
965
01:02:34,556 --> 01:02:37,296
Top deck of a bus.
Fingering.
966
01:02:41,300 --> 01:02:43,266
Are you paying attention.
That's all in the wrist
967
01:02:43,466 --> 01:02:45,225
Don't go in with that hand
you'll refold yourself
968
01:02:45,780 --> 01:02:48,495
You keep sure you put that hand
Keep that hand for ticketing
969
01:02:51,505 --> 01:02:53,190
This is fun and we are learning things
970
01:02:54,390 --> 01:02:56,466
Men and women are different. Now I know
we all know that in our head
971
01:02:56,470 --> 01:02:59,560
But the more you can accept that in your
heart I think the better the easier life is
972
01:02:59,760 --> 01:03:00,990
Right? Yeah.
973
01:03:02,600 --> 01:03:06,572
Some examples: Women like to relax in a hot
bath with candles and oils
974
01:03:06,672 --> 01:03:09,772
Men generally prefer to masturbate
in the shower
975
01:03:10,172 --> 01:03:12,502
Yeah we know what you are up to
in there ladies.
976
01:03:12,802 --> 01:03:14,618
Why does this loofah smells funny
977
01:03:18,718 --> 01:03:21,294
Some advice for the ladies.
I'd a woman come up to me after the show
978
01:03:21,295 --> 01:03:24,360
A couple of weeks ago. She said:
"I think you are very sexist."
979
01:03:24,370 --> 01:03:26,888
I think you'll find it's pronounced "Sexy"
980
01:03:30,488 --> 01:03:32,798
Run along, grown ups talking.
981
01:03:34,698 --> 01:03:37,162
Ladies if a man says he likes foreign films
982
01:03:37,362 --> 01:03:38,362
Porn
983
01:03:38,962 --> 01:03:41,706
If a man says he enjoys long walks in
the country side it might mean he is
984
01:03:41,707 --> 01:03:43,811
A romantic soul. It's more likely
he is saying:
985
01:03:44,011 --> 01:03:46,243
"They'll never find your body"
986
01:03:48,743 --> 01:03:51,203
When women put out on the first date
Men don't like that
987
01:03:51,260 --> 01:03:52,903
We love it.
988
01:03:54,563 --> 01:03:55,978
Yeah. I.. I.. You know.
989
01:03:56,178 --> 01:03:59,978
I have read a thesis that said 98% of men
are happy to have sex on first date
990
01:04:00,608 --> 01:04:01,578
I thought happy?
991
01:04:01,778 --> 01:04:04,478
We are high fiving strangers on a night bus
992
01:04:13,008 --> 01:04:15,128
Of course a lot of women don't wanna
have sex on a first date even if they wanna
993
01:04:15,130 --> 01:04:17,680
Have sex on a first date because they think
if they had sex on first date makes them
994
01:04:17,681 --> 01:04:18,880
A slag or a Slut or something.
995
01:04:18,881 --> 01:04:22,309
Not any more ladies. You gonna
have to do more than that
996
01:04:22,509 --> 01:04:24,213
To ba a slag these days
997
01:04:24,670 --> 01:04:26,813
Am I right Tracy?
998
01:04:28,023 --> 01:04:30,515
Just saying, like having sex on a first
date just means you wanted to have sex
999
01:04:30,516 --> 01:04:31,580
On the first date. That's all it means.
1000
01:04:31,589 --> 01:04:34,177
To be a slag these days you
gonna have to do so much more
1001
01:04:34,180 --> 01:04:36,277
I have got friends that are slags.
My friend Louise is a slag
1002
01:04:36,877 --> 01:04:38,012
She's got five kids
1003
01:04:38,762 --> 01:04:40,412
By seven different dads.
1004
01:04:42,884 --> 01:04:45,520
She's got a speech impediment that
prevents her from saying No.
1005
01:04:46,100 --> 01:04:49,370
Well I say it's a speech impediment
It's actually a cock in her mouth
1006
01:04:52,670 --> 01:04:55,870
She is such a slag that council
trims her bush
1007
01:05:01,070 --> 01:05:03,420
I have got a question ..
I have got the question for the men
1008
01:05:03,460 --> 01:05:07,274
Have you ever seen a
woman so unattractive to you
1009
01:05:07,374 --> 01:05:10,574
It makes you question your sexuality?
1010
01:05:12,104 --> 01:05:14,348
I'll explain Cos for me it would be
like Gillian McKeith.
1011
01:05:14,350 --> 01:05:16,448
You know the woman form
how clean is your poo?
1012
01:05:17,548 --> 01:05:18,948
Weird looking creature
1013
01:05:19,348 --> 01:05:21,955
So if you put Gillian McKeith there
and Brad Pitt there
1014
01:05:22,155 --> 01:05:25,263
And you said to me your life depends on it
you got to do it with one of them
1015
01:05:25,363 --> 01:05:27,763
You gotta make the beast with two backs
1016
01:05:27,963 --> 01:05:29,811
Do the sticky belly
1017
01:05:33,111 --> 01:05:35,753
I'd think right I'm a heterosexual man
Gillian is woman Gillian is
1018
01:05:35,953 --> 01:05:36,953
Owww!!!
1019
01:05:37,758 --> 01:05:40,344
Ahhh!!!
Jesus!!
1020
01:05:41,244 --> 01:05:42,544
Give it here
1021
01:05:49,744 --> 01:05:52,798
Is that bad? Does that make
me half right half chips?
1022
01:05:53,298 --> 01:05:55,898
- Half right
You are Right.
1023
01:05:56,098 --> 01:05:57,698
Well what ...
OK let me give you a moral dilemma
1024
01:05:57,700 --> 01:05:59,878
What is your name?
give me your name. Marcus
1025
01:06:00,078 --> 01:06:04,688
OK Moral Dilemma for you all right.
Ann Whitikon, George Coloney
1026
01:06:04,888 --> 01:06:06,788
If you had to
1027
01:06:08,888 --> 01:06:09,924
You going for Ann whitikon?
1028
01:06:10,724 --> 01:06:13,424
Are you mental?
1029
01:06:14,022 --> 01:06:17,682
She has got a face like a bull dog
licking the piss of a nettle
1030
01:06:18,724 --> 01:06:22,175
And she is a hell of a size. You are a slip
of light.She'd fuck you in half.
1031
01:06:22,575 --> 01:06:26,615
And that is only where your problems begin
because I imagine her peachy pouch
1032
01:06:27,000 --> 01:06:29,415
Her Lala, Her fofo, Her Wendy
1033
01:06:29,420 --> 01:06:32,360
Her special lady garden. Call it what you
will. I bet it looks like a badger
1034
01:06:32,361 --> 01:06:34,750
That's been hit with a shot gun
1035
01:06:41,165 --> 01:06:44,990
I bet there are police divers that would
be squeamish about going down on that
1036
01:06:45,650 --> 01:06:49,290
I bet it looks like a
bull dog eating mayonnaise
1037
01:06:55,770 --> 01:06:58,790
I bet George Coloney has got the
prettiest cock you have ever seen
1038
01:07:01,000 --> 01:07:01,690
Why don't you spit-roast her?
1039
01:07:01,990 --> 01:07:03,752
You suggesting I double team
1040
01:07:04,962 --> 01:07:07,506
Ann Whitikon with George Coloney
1041
01:07:08,056 --> 01:07:12,126
Now that is a celebrity
sex tape that would sell
1042
01:07:18,526 --> 01:07:21,426
Some one said that the other day Marcus
Some one as macho as you the other day
1043
01:07:21,430 --> 01:07:25,526
They went: "Yeah Ann Whitikon
just put a bag over it"
1044
01:07:25,726 --> 01:07:26,726
Really?
1045
01:07:27,200 --> 01:07:28,986
Has that ever happened ladies?
1046
01:07:31,186 --> 01:07:33,666
How low would your self esteem have to be
1047
01:07:34,566 --> 01:07:37,426
You would fuck a guy who have just gone:
"Can I just..."
1048
01:07:39,326 --> 01:07:40,526
That's better
1049
01:07:41,426 --> 01:07:43,038
Chat up lines: Let's do some
chat up lines OK?
1050
01:07:43,040 --> 01:07:44,322
Obviously the best chat up line is:
1051
01:07:44,325 --> 01:07:46,852
"Will you hold my pint
while I go for a shit?"
1052
01:07:49,652 --> 01:07:51,952
- "If you were a soup, what flavour
of soup would you be?"
1053
01:07:57,252 --> 01:07:58,736
Steve every one
1054
01:07:58,996 --> 01:08:02,746
And his brilliant chat up line
If you were a soup.
1055
01:08:03,446 --> 01:08:05,700
What flavour of soup would you be
1056
01:08:09,470 --> 01:08:11,146
I.. I think that's right up there with
1057
01:08:11,446 --> 01:08:14,006
"Does this rag smell of chloroform to you?"
1058
01:08:18,583 --> 01:08:19,636
And the ever green
1059
01:08:19,640 --> 01:08:22,589
Let's not turn this rape into a murder
1060
01:08:27,518 --> 01:08:29,595
The problem with chat up lines
you know whether they gonna work
1061
01:08:29,655 --> 01:08:31,826
Pretty much immediately. You know straight
away whether the girl is thinking you are
1062
01:08:31,827 --> 01:08:33,440
A drink or buy us a drink. OK?
1063
01:08:33,445 --> 01:08:36,392
So I have written some abort mission lines
for you so you could be sort of half way
1064
01:08:36,393 --> 01:08:38,037
Through a chat up scenario
1065
01:08:38,337 --> 01:08:40,796
And you can abort the mission if you
think it's going badly. Right?
1066
01:08:40,996 --> 01:08:43,696
So we would work like this.
You would say: "Do you wanna dance?"
1067
01:08:43,700 --> 01:08:47,426
She'd have face like thunder.
You'd go: "Can I have your seat?"
1068
01:08:49,850 --> 01:08:52,260
Did you hurt yourself when you
fell from heaven?
1069
01:08:52,274 --> 01:08:55,106
Cos it looks like you
landed on your face.
1070
01:08:57,306 --> 01:08:59,976
I have never seen a more
beautiful women in my life
1071
01:09:00,276 --> 01:09:01,846
So can you move?
1072
01:09:04,046 --> 01:09:05,587
Here's ten pence for your mum
1073
01:09:05,787 --> 01:09:07,966
Tell her I'll be there in
half an hour to fuck her
1074
01:09:10,200 --> 01:09:11,706
Get your coat you are pulled
1075
01:09:11,906 --> 01:09:15,386
Hang on you probably don't own a coat
Girls your size tend not to feel the cold
1076
01:09:16,286 --> 01:09:18,700
And my personal favourite.
Save this for someone special
1077
01:09:18,725 --> 01:09:20,837
Your father must have been a thief
1078
01:09:21,107 --> 01:09:23,756
Cos you look like a pikey.
1079
01:09:29,856 --> 01:09:32,645
Let's talk about gifts. Cos gifts are very
important when you are in a relationship
1080
01:09:32,660 --> 01:09:35,476
They show your partner how you feel
about them.This is interesting my girlfriend
1081
01:09:35,480 --> 01:09:39,496
Suggested last Christmas that we limit
ourselves to £20 for each other presents
1082
01:09:39,526 --> 01:09:42,296
But I wasn't thinking about
spending that kind of money
1083
01:09:44,285 --> 01:09:46,234
Obviously If you are buying gifts for a
women its pretty easy.
1084
01:09:46,235 --> 01:09:49,980
Just go for the classics. You know
Champagne, Chocolates, Flowers
1085
01:09:49,985 --> 01:09:53,042
Unless you are dating an
Alcoholic, Bulimic with hay fever
1086
01:09:53,942 --> 01:09:55,910
I buy my girlfriend flowers every week
1087
01:09:56,110 --> 01:09:59,031
Cos I really fancy the girl
in the florist
1088
01:10:01,831 --> 01:10:04,671
I have told the girl in the florist
my girlfriend is dead
1089
01:10:08,871 --> 01:10:11,263
I thought it was a good idea at the time
It slightly back fired
1090
01:10:11,463 --> 01:10:13,467
You try explaining to your other
half why you got her
1091
01:10:13,470 --> 01:10:15,107
four weeks in a row
1092
01:10:17,507 --> 01:10:19,687
Obviously different flower
express different emotions
1093
01:10:19,688 --> 01:10:22,047
So for example, red flowers say passion
1094
01:10:22,099 --> 01:10:24,112
Yellow flowers say love
1095
01:10:24,115 --> 01:10:27,712
And self raising flour says:
"Make me a cake."
1096
01:10:29,512 --> 01:10:32,189
My girlfriend said recently. She said:
We need some romance in our lives
1097
01:10:32,190 --> 01:10:35,478
So I took the hint, I booked a hotel. Flower
Chocolate, Champagne, Petals on the bed
1098
01:10:35,480 --> 01:10:37,862
The full bed. Ended up having incredible sex
1099
01:10:37,883 --> 01:10:39,315
Of course it turned out
1100
01:10:39,415 --> 01:10:41,208
She wanted me to take her
1101
01:10:42,958 --> 01:10:45,028
What's the fucking point of that.
I live with her
1102
01:10:45,622 --> 01:10:47,117
She'd be there when I get back
1103
01:10:52,428 --> 01:10:55,217
I'm not saying I feel cheated but when
we got together she said to me, She said:
1104
01:10:55,218 --> 01:10:57,929
"I'm very liberal about sex. I don't care
what people do as long as..
1105
01:10:57,930 --> 01:11:00,200
"They are consenting adults and
no one gets hurt."
1106
01:11:00,400 --> 01:11:02,010
There is always a catch. Isn't it?
1107
01:11:03,175 --> 01:11:04,704
"No one gets hurt"
1108
01:11:05,504 --> 01:11:06,704
"Consenting"
1109
01:11:07,604 --> 01:11:08,904
"Adults"
1110
01:11:10,784 --> 01:11:11,996
Basically No fun.
1111
01:11:13,096 --> 01:11:15,996
All right. Some sex tips. Let's try and be
grown up about this. Yeah?
1112
01:11:16,096 --> 01:11:19,450
Gentlemen: If you are having sex
with a new partner for the first time
1113
01:11:19,510 --> 01:11:21,907
Never take a run up.
1114
01:11:25,007 --> 01:11:27,244
I know what you are like. You
wanna make a good first impression
1115
01:11:27,644 --> 01:11:30,655
But you don't wanna actually leave a dent.
1116
01:11:32,045 --> 01:11:34,931
A lot of women don't like if you leave your
socks on during sex but I always leave one
1117
01:11:34,932 --> 01:11:36,831
On Cos I don't wanna get her pregnant.
1118
01:11:40,700 --> 01:11:43,331
Some women don't like to have the lights on
But it can't be helped in my case
1119
01:11:43,332 --> 01:11:46,988
because they come on automatically
when I open the car door
1120
01:11:47,988 --> 01:11:50,958
And then they stay on for 20 seconds
So it is over
1121
01:11:52,492 --> 01:11:54,898
This isn't a advice. This is more of a
reminder and it's a reminder to men
1122
01:11:54,899 --> 01:11:58,698
In long term relationships, Cos standards
can slide as the relationship goes on
1123
01:11:58,828 --> 01:12:01,120
Just a reminder for the men in
long term relationships
1124
01:12:01,121 --> 01:12:04,457
It is never acceptable,
Never Acceptable. Yeah
1125
01:12:04,480 --> 01:12:06,453
To answer the phone when love making
1126
01:12:07,120 --> 01:12:12,323
Even if you hilariously pick up by saying:
"I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel"
1127
01:12:15,873 --> 01:12:18,625
Some common myths you may have heard
These are just myths, they are not true
1128
01:12:18,630 --> 01:12:20,806
The best lubricant for anal sex
1129
01:12:20,856 --> 01:12:23,286
Is not tears
1130
01:12:27,886 --> 01:12:29,643
It's blood
1131
01:12:36,343 --> 01:12:39,373
I bought some KY Jelly. It said on
the box, not to be taken internally
1132
01:12:39,573 --> 01:12:42,076
I thought where do they think
it's fucking going.
1133
01:12:46,476 --> 01:12:48,765
If you are gonna have sex
I can't stress this enough
1134
01:12:48,770 --> 01:12:53,450
If you gonna have sex with some one that
you don't know. Always, Always, Always
1135
01:12:53,490 --> 01:12:54,650
Ask
1136
01:12:59,750 --> 01:13:01,728
Let's talk about sexual health.
Shall we?
1137
01:13:01,928 --> 01:13:05,087
STDs, STIs and the like. Cos there is a big
difference my young friend, between
1138
01:13:05,088 --> 01:13:08,587
Giving a girl goosebumps
and giving her a rash.
1139
01:13:12,387 --> 01:13:13,500
What?
1140
01:13:13,700 --> 01:13:15,896
Have you all seen the ad. where the girl
has AIDS written on her bra
1141
01:13:15,897 --> 01:13:17,696
And Chlamydia written on her knickers?
1142
01:13:17,896 --> 01:13:20,577
Well, That is no way to tell your partner
1143
01:13:22,077 --> 01:13:24,277
It turns out
1144
01:13:25,577 --> 01:13:27,290
Chlamydia that's the one you wanna get
1145
01:13:27,490 --> 01:13:29,299
That's the gold standard of STIs
1146
01:13:29,399 --> 01:13:31,750
That's the best one. I was chatting to a
friend who is proper doctor
1147
01:13:31,850 --> 01:13:35,900
He said: "Chlamydia is right but the
worst thing is there are no symptoms."
1148
01:13:36,200 --> 01:13:38,213
I said: "How is it even a disease?"
1149
01:13:38,913 --> 01:13:40,923
He said: "It can make a woman infertile."
1150
01:13:41,323 --> 01:13:42,883
I said: " ... "
1151
01:13:45,266 --> 01:13:47,339
I will throw away these condoms then.
Shall I?
1152
01:13:47,800 --> 01:13:50,346
The only way Chlamydia could get any
better as if the discharge was a
1153
01:13:50,360 --> 01:13:51,546
Pizza
1154
01:13:55,046 --> 01:13:57,466
The woman are thinking that
is disgusting
1155
01:13:57,900 --> 01:14:00,960
And the men are thinking
That would be brilliant
1156
01:14:02,960 --> 01:14:05,099
Can I just make the point. There are a lot
of young ladies in today
1157
01:14:05,100 --> 01:14:07,463
Can I just make the point? It is totally
socially acceptable
1158
01:14:07,500 --> 01:14:11,146
For young women to carry condoms in
their purse or in their bag. Of course it is
1159
01:14:11,644 --> 01:14:15,407
But a young man
carrying a coil is weird.
1160
01:14:18,307 --> 01:14:21,232
She know how the coil
contraceptive device works?
1161
01:14:21,432 --> 01:14:22,818
No idea?
Well. I'll explain.
1162
01:14:23,018 --> 01:14:25,416
Think of me as a kindly uncle
1163
01:14:30,019 --> 01:14:33,700
The way the coil contraceptive device
works is that the lady says to the man
1164
01:14:33,815 --> 01:14:36,314
I have got a piece of coiled metal
1165
01:14:36,320 --> 01:14:38,770
Somewhere in my vajayjay
1166
01:14:39,070 --> 01:14:40,174
And the man
1167
01:14:40,474 --> 01:14:42,418
Goes off the idea.
1168
01:14:45,808 --> 01:14:48,018
You got a bit of metal where?
1169
01:14:48,218 --> 01:14:50,350
Any chance of a gob job?
1170
01:14:53,087 --> 01:14:55,530
Let's talk about break ups cos
breaks ups can be hard. Can't they?
1171
01:14:55,830 --> 01:14:58,008
It's not you me It's me is a terrible
way to break up with someone
1172
01:14:58,010 --> 01:15:00,908
But not as bad as:
It's not you, it's her
1173
01:15:01,208 --> 01:15:03,011
Women give us the silent treatment
1174
01:15:03,211 --> 01:15:03,971
Because they think
1175
01:15:04,171 --> 01:15:05,871
It's a punishment
1176
01:15:07,771 --> 01:15:09,140
We have got a special name for
The Silent Treatment
1177
01:15:09,141 --> 01:15:11,250
We call it:
Peace and Quiet.
1178
01:15:13,177 --> 01:15:15,963
I don't wanna sound misogynistic but I
think break ups are easier for women
1179
01:15:15,964 --> 01:15:18,538
Than they are for men. Because you think
women have got support network of
1180
01:15:18,540 --> 01:15:21,800
Friends and family that they really
talk about their actual emotions
1181
01:15:22,000 --> 01:15:23,950
What have men got
in break up to fall back on
1182
01:15:23,954 --> 01:15:25,700
All we have got is our mates
1183
01:15:25,715 --> 01:15:29,760
You try telling your mates,
A girl has broken your heart
1184
01:15:29,770 --> 01:15:31,525
And your mates would likely go:
1185
01:15:31,526 --> 01:15:34,725
"Well it's just as well,
Cos you are clearly a puff"
1186
01:15:36,005 --> 01:15:38,496
I had it happened recently with my
friend Russell, He broke up with his wife
1187
01:15:38,497 --> 01:15:41,300
They'd been married for
4 years together for six
1188
01:15:41,315 --> 01:15:44,777
She's left him for another guy. What
do you say?. I don't have the vocabulary
1189
01:15:44,780 --> 01:15:46,520
To have that kind of emotional conversation
1190
01:15:46,560 --> 01:15:48,622
Ended up falling back on the old clichés
1191
01:15:48,822 --> 01:15:51,000
I said: There's plenty more fish in the sea
1192
01:15:51,300 --> 01:15:55,405
He said: "Yeah, But it's not just
the smell I miss"
1193
01:16:00,305 --> 01:16:04,357
well on that cerebral and edifying note
Has any one got any questions or queries
1194
01:16:04,358 --> 01:16:06,460
About Sex or relationships.
Anything you need to know?
1195
01:16:06,560 --> 01:16:07,797
- What's your favourite Position?
1196
01:16:07,800 --> 01:16:12,245
I like reverse cow girl but you know
I'm old fashioned that way.
1197
01:16:12,954 --> 01:16:14,820
What's your Sir?
1198
01:16:15,520 --> 01:16:17,693
- Various
Various.
1199
01:16:18,593 --> 01:16:20,166
I think I can..
1200
01:16:20,966 --> 01:16:23,838
Yeah. I imagine it's either that
1201
01:16:25,078 --> 01:16:26,398
Or that..
1202
01:16:28,598 --> 01:16:29,682
Yeah.
1203
01:16:32,235 --> 01:16:35,447
Maybe that , He knows
Yeah treat yourself. Why not?
1204
01:16:37,247 --> 01:16:40,225
- What wouldn't you do that your Mrs.
would ask you to do?
1205
01:16:40,230 --> 01:16:42,923
What wouldn't I do that my Mrs.
would ask me to do?
1206
01:16:43,123 --> 01:16:44,983
Stop.
1207
01:16:52,583 --> 01:16:55,239
I was parked early on a single yellow line
and I was worried about traffic
1208
01:16:55,240 --> 01:16:57,489
Warden coming when I wasn't there.
So I left a little note on windscreen
1209
01:16:57,490 --> 01:16:58,632
For the traffic warden.
Do you do that?
1210
01:16:58,635 --> 01:17:02,150
On this note saying:
"Oye traffic warden cunt, I fucked your mum"
1211
01:17:05,850 --> 01:17:09,377
Apparently the rear passenger side
of the car is the safest place to be
1212
01:17:09,577 --> 01:17:10,950
In a accident. Yeah.
1213
01:17:10,970 --> 01:17:12,581
Although I think if you are
back there.It might explain
1214
01:17:12,582 --> 01:17:14,220
Why you have crashed
1215
01:17:17,536 --> 01:17:19,366
If it's an offence to impersonate
a police man
1216
01:17:19,380 --> 01:17:21,566
Why we have got community support officers?
1217
01:17:28,266 --> 01:17:31,666
My girlfriend has got one of those tiny
little strips of hair. What are they called?
1218
01:17:32,866 --> 01:17:35,104
Moustache
1219
01:17:37,144 --> 01:17:38,698
Landing strip?
1220
01:17:38,898 --> 01:17:40,688
She is only twelve.
1221
01:17:42,484 --> 01:17:43,618
I'm joking
1222
01:17:44,118 --> 01:17:45,718
She has got landing strips
1223
01:17:47,118 --> 01:17:48,792
She is a very hairy little girl.
1224
01:17:52,349 --> 01:17:54,685
I have slightly upset myself with that
1225
01:17:56,005 --> 01:17:58,594
She is a vegetarian.
Any other Vegetarians in?
1226
01:17:58,794 --> 01:18:00,485
Any? A few vegetarians around.
1227
01:18:00,490 --> 01:18:04,212
She.. Caroline's vegetarian.
She thinks it's disgusting that I eat veal
1228
01:18:04,412 --> 01:18:05,324
But she eats
1229
01:18:05,330 --> 01:18:06,524
Baby carrots
1230
01:18:10,924 --> 01:18:12,573
They are babies
1231
01:18:16,173 --> 01:18:18,172
Of course some women can eat whatever
they want. They don't put on any weight
1232
01:18:18,372 --> 01:18:19,015
And they are called
1233
01:18:19,030 --> 01:18:20,215
Bitches
1234
01:18:22,005 --> 01:18:24,642
Not that I don't mind the fuller figure.
I quite like the larger lady
1235
01:18:24,643 --> 01:18:27,442
I went out with a girl once who was
quite a lot larger. Yeah
1236
01:18:27,460 --> 01:18:28,553
When she sat around the house
1237
01:18:28,800 --> 01:18:30,753
She sat around the house
1238
01:18:31,593 --> 01:18:34,302
If you had a pillow fight
you had to use a duvet
1239
01:18:34,602 --> 01:18:38,002
I undressed her with my eyes. It
took me 45 minutes
1240
01:18:38,666 --> 01:18:41,621
I tried to spoon with her.
It's more like a ladle
1241
01:18:42,081 --> 01:18:43,420
I have got a photo of her somewhere
1242
01:18:43,430 --> 01:18:45,612
Taken by google earth
1243
01:18:48,869 --> 01:18:50,824
My girlfriend and I are trying for a baby
1244
01:18:51,024 --> 01:18:53,563
We got pretty close outside
last Saturday
1245
01:18:58,763 --> 01:19:02,063
I was in LosAngeles last year doing a bit
of work and I got stopped at the airport
1246
01:19:02,099 --> 01:19:03,627
They said: "Purpose of visit?"
1247
01:19:03,827 --> 01:19:06,235
I said: "I'm here to shoot a pilot."
1248
01:19:08,805 --> 01:19:11,184
That's three hours of my life
I'm not getting back.
1249
01:19:13,409 --> 01:19:16,815
I was told when I was twelve years
of age by my Catholic priest
1250
01:19:16,830 --> 01:19:20,437
He said to me: "God is watching you
when you masturbate."
1251
01:19:20,637 --> 01:19:23,207
I said: "Is he a paedo too Father?"
1252
01:19:24,507 --> 01:19:27,118
I'm joking I said:
"Is he a paedo too father?"
1253
01:19:30,118 --> 01:19:31,990
Now that joke maybe offensive to Catholics
1254
01:19:32,300 --> 01:19:34,525
But it's not the only reason I like it
1255
01:19:35,625 --> 01:19:38,313
The thing about Child Line...
1256
01:19:39,213 --> 01:19:40,895
I haven't said anything yet
1257
01:19:41,095 --> 01:19:44,155
The thing about Child Line is:
Now we have a generation of children
1258
01:19:44,160 --> 01:19:46,276
That can't keep a secret.
1259
01:19:49,506 --> 01:19:52,554
I know that does not sound very charitable
but let me leave you with this
1260
01:19:52,560 --> 01:19:58,139
Ten pence from the sale of every one of
my DvDs goes to the poor under privileged
1261
01:19:58,140 --> 01:20:00,389
Children of Cambodia, Who
1262
01:20:00,889 --> 01:20:03,079
Manufacture them
1263
01:20:04,279 --> 01:20:06,342
This is I Jimmy Carr.
Thank you very much indeed for coming out.
1264
01:20:27,142 --> 01:20:30,415
I'd like to, Take this opportunity
to dedicate the gig this evening
1265
01:20:30,615 --> 01:20:33,682
To 2pac
1266
01:20:37,002 --> 01:20:38,882
I miss him
1267
01:20:42,002 --> 01:20:44,490
No I'd like to dedicate the gig to
Caroline my girlfriend
1268
01:20:44,491 --> 01:20:48,535
The more beautiful, hard working, dedicated
woman could not be found
1269
01:20:51,535 --> 01:20:54,370
Despite exhaustive and on going
research on my part
1270
01:20:54,570 --> 01:20:57,136
I have got a lovely note before the gig
this evening from some one's dad
1271
01:20:57,137 --> 01:20:59,672
He is here with his daughter.
She is 16 today I believe
1272
01:20:59,673 --> 01:21:01,241
She is here with some friends celebrating
her birthday.
1273
01:21:01,242 --> 01:21:02,157
I don't know where you are sitting.
1274
01:21:02,160 --> 01:21:04,800
Your dad was wondering if you could get an
autograph after the show
1275
01:21:04,801 --> 01:21:06,161
I will do better than that. Bring her
back stage
1276
01:21:06,162 --> 01:21:07,661
I'll finger her
1277
01:21:12,161 --> 01:21:13,902
I'm joking.
1278
01:21:14,102 --> 01:21:16,102
I'll fuck her
1279
01:21:19,852 --> 01:21:22,668
I often get asked after the show.
The most common question after the show is
1280
01:21:22,768 --> 01:21:25,397
What's the most offensive joke?
What's the worst joke?
1281
01:21:25,400 --> 01:21:28,313
Now I don't think I can tell you the
most offensive joke
1282
01:21:28,513 --> 01:21:31,483
Cos I think offence is taken not given
That's not just an expression
1283
01:21:31,485 --> 01:21:32,747
That is how it tends to work
1284
01:21:32,770 --> 01:21:34,492
Different people take offence to
different things
1285
01:21:34,493 --> 01:21:36,480
So I can't tell you what the
most offensive joke is
1286
01:21:36,680 --> 01:21:38,660
But we could see
1287
01:21:39,380 --> 01:21:41,530
We could start gentle and work our way up
1288
01:21:41,730 --> 01:21:43,988
And see at what stage as an audience
You go:
1289
01:21:44,188 --> 01:21:45,986
Ah! For fuck sake
1290
01:21:46,686 --> 01:21:48,913
Do you wanna give it a go?
- Yes
1291
01:21:48,914 --> 01:21:51,981
Well, Let's start gently. Baby steps
All right? We start gentle
1292
01:21:52,491 --> 01:21:54,961
Very sad when princess Diana died
1293
01:21:55,570 --> 01:21:58,747
And all London got was
that shitty fountain.
1294
01:21:58,947 --> 01:22:02,160
Still better than Paris, All they got was
slow down side
1295
01:22:05,060 --> 01:22:07,510
No one offended but you should have
heard the fuss when I suggested it
1296
01:22:07,515 --> 01:22:09,434
On the Royal Variety.
1297
01:22:13,004 --> 01:22:16,694
Do you remember where you were when
you heard Diana died?
1298
01:22:16,894 --> 01:22:20,724
Yeah, I was in Kensington garden's thinking
This place needs something
1299
01:22:24,553 --> 01:22:26,674
The Twin Towers
1300
01:22:28,185 --> 01:22:31,808
Was the best of the Lord of the Rings
films
1301
01:22:34,531 --> 01:22:36,292
No the Twin Towers. Do you think it'd
have seen less tragic
1302
01:22:36,293 --> 01:22:37,492
If they haven't been twins
1303
01:22:42,352 --> 01:22:44,863
I'll be honest with you. I feel more
sorry for the people in the 2nd tower
1304
01:22:44,864 --> 01:22:47,352
Than the people in the first tower.
Do you?
1305
01:22:47,552 --> 01:22:49,947
Cos the people in the 2nd tower, Imagine
that. Imagine you get into work one morning
1306
01:22:50,147 --> 01:22:53,300
The building next to your, identical to
yours gets hit by a fucking plane
1307
01:22:53,310 --> 01:22:54,417
What's your first thought gonna be?
1308
01:22:54,420 --> 01:22:56,565
We dodged a bullet.
1309
01:22:57,365 --> 01:22:59,965
Unlucky!
1310
01:23:00,265 --> 01:23:02,872
Five minutes later.
Ah! for fuck sake..
1311
01:23:06,472 --> 01:23:09,494
You all seem fine so far. Let's go all up
a gear in terms of offence
1312
01:23:10,994 --> 01:23:12,520
Let's change tacts a little bit
1313
01:23:12,524 --> 01:23:14,741
People say Dolphins are really intelligent
1314
01:23:14,941 --> 01:23:18,455
I think yeah but only compared to the
retarded kids we got them swimming with
1315
01:23:23,405 --> 01:23:26,705
When a dog is on heat. It means it
wants sex
1316
01:23:26,995 --> 01:23:29,055
That is my defence
1317
01:23:32,750 --> 01:23:36,605
It's a good area for offence that. isn't it?
The weird sexual things that other
1318
01:23:36,607 --> 01:23:38,943
People do that you have heard about
You never dream of doing but you
1319
01:23:38,944 --> 01:23:41,318
Have heard about. Feltching is a
good example
1320
01:23:42,218 --> 01:23:45,185
It's even a horrible word. Feltching.
For those of you that don't know
1321
01:23:45,188 --> 01:23:50,048
Feltching is the retrieval of sperm from
the anal canal via suction
1322
01:23:51,008 --> 01:23:52,975
I know. How mental is that?
1323
01:23:53,175 --> 01:23:54,562
It's like fucking someone in the ass
and then going:
1324
01:23:54,563 --> 01:23:55,762
"I take that back."
1325
01:24:00,002 --> 01:24:03,042
No one offended by feltching. OK.
Let's go up another gear
1326
01:24:04,942 --> 01:24:07,923
I have got a friend that recently had
an abortion
1327
01:24:08,123 --> 01:24:09,574
But on the positive side
1328
01:24:09,774 --> 01:24:12,774
Slimmer the month.
1329
01:24:13,874 --> 01:24:16,490
She got a badge and round of applause
She can't believe her luck
1330
01:24:17,910 --> 01:24:21,504
on the subject of abortions, a lot of
people support a woman's right to choose
1331
01:24:21,520 --> 01:24:24,913
But I think if I am paying for it
1332
01:24:26,603 --> 01:24:28,313
I am joking I never pay.
1333
01:24:29,413 --> 01:24:32,426
Doesn't cost anything to fall
down the stairs. Does it?
1334
01:24:35,026 --> 01:24:39,245
Some of these girls are I swear they
think I am made of coat hangers
1335
01:24:46,005 --> 01:24:47,545
Well, that got a few of you
1336
01:24:48,245 --> 01:24:51,645
Just a few of you the hard corner
offended by anything so far?
1337
01:24:51,745 --> 01:24:53,845
See if we can pick you off
1338
01:24:54,445 --> 01:24:58,750
I discovered the hard way the worst way
to start a benefit gig for abused children
1339
01:24:58,760 --> 01:25:01,350
Is with an apology
1340
01:25:03,705 --> 01:25:06,175
I said I was sorry I don't
see what the fuss was about.
1341
01:25:07,285 --> 01:25:10,108
If men fall asleep directly after sex
1342
01:25:10,308 --> 01:25:13,508
Why is it so difficult to catch a rapist?
1343
01:25:18,340 --> 01:25:21,000
No one offended. Right.
Let's bring out the big guns
1344
01:25:21,410 --> 01:25:23,205
Hitler and Pol Pot
1345
01:25:23,405 --> 01:25:27,005
Unquestionably two of
history's biggest cunts
1346
01:25:27,205 --> 01:25:30,704
But let's try and see the good and
the bad and both Hitler and Pol Pot
1347
01:25:30,904 --> 01:25:33,414
Managed to conduct an
awful lot of medical research
1348
01:25:33,614 --> 01:25:36,004
Without hurting any animals.
1349
01:25:40,504 --> 01:25:42,431
I put it to you if you are not even
a little bit offended
1350
01:25:42,432 --> 01:25:44,467
You haven't really Understood that
1351
01:25:45,322 --> 01:25:48,526
This next joke is just a simple piece
of word play. It's a little turn on
1352
01:25:48,530 --> 01:25:50,894
A very common phrase. Yeah, Just a
little bit of word play
1353
01:25:51,094 --> 01:25:54,256
The joke isn't about what the joke's about
if you follow me. It's about the word play
1354
01:25:55,096 --> 01:25:56,765
Yeah you know it's gonna be offensive
1355
01:25:57,165 --> 01:26:00,365
If it comes with a
little warning before hand.
1356
01:26:01,876 --> 01:26:04,065
They say there is safety in numbers.
1357
01:26:04,105 --> 01:26:07,665
Yeah. Tell that to 6 million Jews.
1358
01:26:15,065 --> 01:26:17,348
Really London? Really?
1359
01:26:17,648 --> 01:26:19,685
A round of applause.
1360
01:26:21,985 --> 01:26:24,511
Cos, to my mind that should
be the most offensive joke
1361
01:26:24,560 --> 01:26:26,900
Not just in the show but in the world ever
1362
01:26:27,100 --> 01:26:31,328
Cos, Content wise that's a joke about the
worst thing that's ever happened.
1363
01:26:31,408 --> 01:26:35,653
The Holocaust. 6 Million lives taken by
an industrialised killing machine The Nazis
1364
01:26:35,660 --> 01:26:39,330
That's the worst thing in human history
and that's a joke about that.
1365
01:26:39,530 --> 01:26:42,262
But it's not that offensive of a joke
It's not anti Semitic, It's not racist
1366
01:26:42,270 --> 01:26:45,381
It doesn't hate anyone
I mean it's in bad taste
1367
01:26:45,581 --> 01:26:47,145
I'll give you that
1368
01:26:47,445 --> 01:26:49,861
Cos it's taking lightly
something very serious
1369
01:26:49,870 --> 01:26:51,202
And that's like the definition of bad taste
1370
01:26:51,205 --> 01:26:54,024
I put my hand up to bad taste
Obviously I put my hand up like that
1371
01:26:54,050 --> 01:26:55,524
Not like that
1372
01:26:57,587 --> 01:26:59,694
That's only gonna make things worse
1373
01:26:59,700 --> 01:27:02,534
Never High five a Rabbi.
1374
01:27:05,245 --> 01:27:08,516
You know the most offensive joke in
the world if you judge it by offence caused
1375
01:27:08,520 --> 01:27:12,027
Yeah, the.. the.. the kind of consequence
of the joke rather than the content of joke
1376
01:27:12,030 --> 01:27:14,498
Is actually a cartoon done 4 years ago.
Yeah.
1377
01:27:14,500 --> 01:27:16,901
Caused more offence than any other joke
in human history
1378
01:27:16,961 --> 01:27:19,349
It was a Mohammed
with a bomb as a hat
1379
01:27:19,749 --> 01:27:21,141
Done by a Danish man
1380
01:27:21,160 --> 01:27:23,095
There was protesting all over
the Islamic world.
1381
01:27:23,096 --> 01:27:24,794
They don't like a chronography
at the best of times
1382
01:27:24,994 --> 01:27:27,444
They certainly don't like
people taking the piss
1383
01:27:27,744 --> 01:27:30,341
So there was protesting all over the
Islamic world some of those protests
1384
01:27:30,345 --> 01:27:33,132
Turned into riots. Three Danish Embassies
burnt to the ground
1385
01:27:33,135 --> 01:27:36,368
And ten people lost their lives in rioting
1386
01:27:36,968 --> 01:27:38,838
All because of a joke.
1387
01:27:39,038 --> 01:27:41,938
About somebody's imaginary friend.
1388
01:27:47,938 --> 01:27:50,575
I'll be honest with you I think some of
the Islamic world slightly over reacted
1389
01:27:50,576 --> 01:27:54,252
I think the Iranian Govt. slightly
over reacted. They decided to boycott
1390
01:27:54,253 --> 01:27:55,652
All Danish products.
1391
01:27:55,852 --> 01:27:57,733
Now I'm not sure they were doing
a roaring trade
1392
01:27:57,933 --> 01:28:00,573
In Pornography, Beer and
Bacon before
1393
01:28:03,973 --> 01:28:07,237
So that is for what it's worth
the most offensive joke in the world ever
1394
01:28:07,437 --> 01:28:10,073
Ladies and Gentlemen thank you so much
for coming to the show tonight
1395
01:28:10,080 --> 01:28:12,754
Thank you so much for buying the DvD if
you are watching this at home
1396
01:28:13,954 --> 01:28:15,226
Just a quick thing before I go
1397
01:28:15,426 --> 01:28:18,369
The worst thing about being told
you have got Alzheimer's
1398
01:28:20,169 --> 01:28:22,249
Is it doesn't just happen
the once
1399
01:28:24,349 --> 01:28:27,242
It's I be Jimmy Carr thank you very much
indeed. I appreciate it
1400
01:28:29,002 --> 01:28:32,913
Thank you Steve. Thank you Tracy.
Thank you young man. Cheers!
1401
01:28:34,113 --> 01:28:35,113
Good luck with the face man.