Jimmy Carr Telling Jokes
Well, Ladies and Gentlemen Great Show, Great Audience, Great Venue
One of those would have been nice
I went for a wander round earlier, Someone Came up to me and went
"I saw your last show"
I said: "Thanks very much"
And then he added: "At least I hope it was your last show."
Think we are fucking mates
People often ask me How I do this for living?
How do you get up in front of people for half an hour or two hours and tell them jokes
It must be petrifying
Well, The secret is..
What you do if you doing any kind of public speaking, this really works
What you do You imagine the people you are talking to are naked.
Yeah, really works. Couple of things to remember
Firstly, Don't tell the people you are talking to that's what you are doing
Cause that could be a little bit creepy
Secondly: It doesn't work as well if you work in a primary school.
Someone came up to me and said: "I don't wanna hurt your feelings but you"
"Look like Jimmy Carr."
How am I supposed to not take that personally?
That's my face. That's all I have got to work with.
I realize I have got quite a broad face I got quite a good girth on my face
And girth is not a term traditionally associated with an attractive face
Another thing you get by the seaside the big card board thing cut out by the seaside
Big fat Johnny man in all in one Read&White stripe suit running down
You know the one?
And they cut the face out so you just take your head through take a hilarious holiday photo
When I stick my head through one of those It just looks right.
I look like a Down Syndrome Roger Federer
I wish that wasn't funny.
I wish that didn't ring true but sadly..
I bought a rape alarm
Cos, I kept on forgetting when to rape people.
They are bloody marvellous
Um, I was gonna tell you a little bit about the behind the scenes
Not behind the scenes here at the Bloomsbury Theatre, Cos its fuck all going on back there
But behind the scenes more generally You know in TV commercials
When they use Chimpanzees to advertise TM and what not.Because we will buy anything if
Chimpanzees are involved because chimpanzees are adorable
Well, What they do when they are filming a commercial with chimpanzee is to
Give the chimpanzees peanut butter and the peanut butter sticks to the roof of mouth
Of the chimpanzee Makes the chimpanzee go
Cos they are not used to the peanut..They quite like it but they are not used to it
So it makes them go...
Make it look as if the chimpanzee is talking
Well that's also how they make Hollios
Interesting fact for you
Are you having to explain that to her?
Its clearly a mixed ability group.
Here is another fact for you Are you aware, If you put Mentos, You know
The sweets Mentos? If you put Mentos into Diet coke
You are retarded.
Sweetsy make fizzy pop go magic. I like it
Grow up
Sorry you give me a look there as if to Say: "It is good though."
I told my best friend I fucked his wife and got her pregnant
That cured his hiccups
I'm in a long term relationship. Who else here is in long term relationship?
Give us a shout
- YEAH
Those of you sound thrilled
I have been with the same girl for 8 years and we are very happy together but
How's this for mental?
She still gets annoyed if I use her toothbrush.
That's mental when you can see how intimate we have been over those 8 years
And if you can tell me a better way to get dog shit out of trainers
I'd love to fucking hear about it Cos, there is nothing finer
Dog excrement can blind a child
But its much easier just to use a finger
If you really wanna be sure smear dog shit all over both the fingers
From the shoulder, Jam!
There are a lot of obese children in Britain today.
But focus on the positive
The Pension crisis is over
Come on Those chubby little fucks aren't gonna see 40
Never mind 65
It's quite lot of young people in
If you are young and your parents are getting divorced It can be a very
Difficult time But remember: It's not your fault
Your Mum's a slag.
It's pretty bad being told you are adopted
But not as bad as being told
You are gonna be adopted
Did you know if your ears are burning It means people are talking about you
Generally they are saying: "He is on fire."
Are you all familiar with Simon Cowell? Do you know Simon Cowell?
- YES
Simon Cowell spends 500 thousand pounds every year on his own personal security
That's an extraordinary amount of money. Isn't it?
Half a million pounds a year on personal security
Has Simon not considered
Being less of a cunt?
What happened there?
You were saying that you like my joke?
Ah! Thanks very much
It's very nice of you
I was chatting to these men having a conversation in front of you But that's fine
You have caught my eye now
What do you do madam?
- I work for Nation Wide in Human Resources
You work for Nation Wide in Human Resources
I imagine you be saying to people "Well you are fired" quite a lot recently.
We have done fucked up the country Fuck off!
All right. Good on you. Human Resources: "The lady Sciences"
I was talking about Simon Cowell. Simon Cowell People know the X-Factor
And the know Britain's got talent but they way I see it
Someone's got to turn on the Christmas lights in Stoke
And it's not gonna be me
Again this year..
I'm 36 years of age. Do you know what that means?
It means the only way I get to be described as young now
Is if I die
I think you know you are getting old
I was watching porn last week and I found myself thinking
That bed looks comfy
The worst thing about being told you got Alzheimer's
Is that it doesn't happens Just the once
And I'll be telling that joke again later on
If I remember
Of course lot of people try and fight the ageing process
Lot of people use the anti wrinkle creams
Anyone here use the anti wrinkle cream?
- YES
A very few of you
Is that a fellow up there?
You know that meant to be wrinkly?
Now My question to the ladies that use the anti wrinkle cream
If it really works.. How come you still got finger prints?
Yeah that's right.. I made you look like a fool.
I saw a thing on cover of EL magazine
You all familiar with the EL magazine for the ladies?
Said on the cover: "What to buy and how to wear it?"
Buy a dress and zip it up you fucking moron!
What kind of idiots are reading EL magazine?
Who is standing in a news agency naked Thinking
"Help!!"
A lot of women worry about one breast being smaller than the other
But focus on the positive One of them is bigger.
And we call that one "Our Favourite"
This is interesting, there is an evolutionary reason why men love breasts
It's because prehistoric men Loved breasts.
Have you noticed ladies? All men have got obsessive compulsive disorder when
It comes to boobs. You noticed that?
All men have got OCD when it comes to breasts
No man has ever kissed and caressed a breast .. Yeah
All right I'm not a brilliant mime I'm sorry
That looked like, like I was cracking a safe..
Whilst trying to get the temperature right in a hotel shower
Pretty multitasking..
Turn on the taps, testing the water That's...
That's how I remember it.
That's very much foreplay for beginners.
Not ready yet..
All like a fucking slip and slide bang
Sorry, I got rather side tracked What I was saying was..
No man has ever kissed and caressed a breast and then not done exactly the same thing
for exactly the same duration of time to the other boob
It's like we think your breasts are sentient beings
And they will be annoyed if we have got a favourite.
One of your tits will be sad going: "Huh, Shares all the fun, Does she?"
My partner is always saying to me: "You never tell me how you feel."
About two or three times a week she'd go: "You never tell me how you feel"
What is she talking about?
Only yesterday I woke her up by slapping her on the face with my cock
How much clearer can I be?
"This means I'm horny"
Sorry Sir we made eye contact. I didn't mean anything by it.
I was by the seaside recently and I was thinking about rising sea levels
And this guy next to me was throwing stones into the water.
I thought that's not helping.
If anything you are making matters worse.
Any Welsh people in? Any Welsh?
Oh its quite a few of you. We seem to have contained the problem
I'm loving the Welsh. I like the Welsh language.
And I like the Welsh language
Because it was clearly invented by a dad losing its scrabble
It's clearly what's happened there
That's not a word it starts with three L's
"It is a bloody word"
Well, How is it pronounced?
I was in North Wales uh.. Last year it was in Llandidno
Has anyone been to Llandidno?
- YEAH
If its a No you don't have to answer
I'll ask again. Has anyone been to Llandidno?
- YEAH
A few of you its a lovely town I was there doing a show
Got on stage walked out I said: "Its lovely to be in Llandidno "
This guy front in centre where you are sitting there face like fucking thunder
"Its not Llandidno you bloody fool"
"It's Clandidno. In Wales LL is pronounced with a C."
I said, All right don't be a "llunt" about it.
Well ladies and gentlemen this is what I do for living I think of little jokes
in my head and then I tell them to you So that you'll like me
Sounds a bit tragic when I said it. What was that? "It's not working"
Well, You can fuck off
This is as good as it ever fucking goes
I don't come to your work and knock the sailor's cock out of your mouth. Do I?
Where are you? "It's not working" man. Give us a wave. What do you do Sir?
You do Telecom?
What do you do?
I do you..
I do you Telephone
What sorry?
You build them ... networks
Ironically you work in communications and can hardly ...
Can hardly string a fucking sentence together.
Well broadly speaking this is what I do for living
Sometimes it does not quite work out Cos sometimes I have an idea for a joke
And then I sort of look at it in the morning and go
You know I scribble it down on a bit of paper for a look in the morning
I look at it the morning and go: "Well it's sort of half a joke but it's not funny half"
So the bit more... bit more.. you know challenging.
It's a bit more esoteric and oblique
Means difficult to understand
Make an effort mongo
So I thought we might go through some of these. All right?
I have got visual aids
I realize it sounds bad when I say it like that. I don't mean I was walking through a
Park and I saw two homosexual men having sex And a bit must have gone in to my eye
And now I have got all AIDSy eyes. I don't mean that
I mean I have got some pictures to help
These are slightly more challenging bear with me
If a giant ape
And a table tennis champion got into an argument over a karaoke machine
Would the newspaper headline be "King Kong, Ping Pong, Sing Song, Ding Dong"
I'm writing a diet book It's called: "Put that down Fatty."
Pedophelia is wrong
Its Paedophilia.
Of course the main cause of Paedophilia
Good looking kids
Could you blame them? I was adorable.
Do you realize if you put your teeth in coca cola over night
You'll drown
People actually believe Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon. Bull Shit..
It was Mrs.Akasia gardener from Nagasaki who was standing next to where the bomb landed
Too soon?
They say its bad luck to put up an umbrella in doors but I think if its raining indoors
You already had your bad luck.
The problem with Unidentified Flying Objects U.F.Os is if they identify them
Then they are just flying objects F.Os
Then if they land just an "O"
I saw an "O" uhh
Lofts: Lofts are magical places where its always Christmas..
It only happens once a year but when I collect the Christmas tree in the car
It looks like I have over done on the air freshener
If we are going to put an end to global poverty Now is the time
To stock up on trainers
I'm joking. We are not gonna put an end to global poverty
They now make non alcoholic cider Now correct me if I'm wrong
That's apple juice
One in three Scottish women is clinically obese
As are the other two
When you think about it a bowls club full of pensioners is like an upside down graveyard
If ever I'm in the cemetery I like to think that's what going on underneath
Whenever I talk to an old person I always think
What a privilege but they never thank me
Of course talking to an old person is like having access to living history
Which is a lot like normal history but wreaks of piss
There's a law that states pregnant women can urinate anywhere they want
Brilliant News. I think my Nana might be pregnant.
The big shopping centre near us called Lake Side and my girlfriend said the other day
"Lake Side is so crowded, no one goes there any more"
We were in a car she said: "Where would we be without Sat Nav?"
I was looking up for a friend's cat when my friend wet on for a holiday and I was
Worried about over feeding the cat so I asked her about it
Cos although she'd know about that sort of thing
Here is what she said, she said: "Don't worry Cats aren't pigs like dogs."
What the fuck does that mean?
Cats aren't pigs like dogs. Good well that's really clarifying
I used to have table football in the house we had fooseball in front room of the house
It was brilliant then she moved in she hated it She said "it was too blokey"
So what I did was I filled the table football up with water and now we play
Synchronized swimming.
She came home other day she was all excited she was thrilled with herself she said:
"I saw a man with one platform shoe"
I said: "No you saw a man with club foot."
No one's got one platform shoe
No one's half into 70s fashion.
Unless it was Heather Mills on the way home from a disco.
Probably Not
A friend of mine dresses his Labrador in a yellow florescent jacket takes him everywhere
He goes it looks ridiculous
Is he blind?
Don't worry he is never gonna see the show
Why do deaf people watch TV so late at night?
Is it cos they always sleep through the alarm?
I'm not sure if it counts as incest but I'm pretty sure when I was growing up
My dad was fucking my mum
I woke up with an erection this morning
One reflection I wish it would have been my own
Saw a headline in the paper it said: "Homeless shelter burns down."
I thought what are they now?
Homelesser?
No they were trapped inside they are all dead
If you know the difference between a kayak and a canoe
You probably don't know what its like to have sex
The highest speed ever achieved on a bicycle was done by a British man
146 Miles per hour on a bicycle that is pretty impressive
It was recorded at a level crossing
Still counts
The great wall of China, longest wall in the world. Not one cash point.
Some people think Islamic fundamentalism is a very real threat what
I wanna know is when the salvation army gonna step up to the plate
The most commonly shop lifted book in the world is the Bible.. Yeah
Which sounds weird but then makes perfect sense
Because how you meant to know not to steal it until you read it
I got handled a leaflet in the street saying:
"God loved you so much He nailed himself to a cross."
I thought What? One handed?
The Pope, The Pope does not approve of condoms. Which is fair enough
He is entitled to his opinion
But how does he suggest I smuggle cocaine?
If I went on a dragon's den I would pitch the dragons a device
That makes you less of a self satisfied smug cunt
I have discovered there's a big difference between having something engraved...
For someone and having something of theirs keyed
To rejoice in someone else's misfortune: The Germans call it "Shardan Froider"
We call it "You have been framed."
They say: "Revenge is best served cold." and they say: "Revenge is sweet."
So really what they are saying is:
"Revenge is ice cream."
I think it goes without saying...
I'm glad you agree.
I was tempted just to go for forty minutes. That would...
Either that would have been terrifically funny or Shit
Maybe Shit
I've had an idea for a children's book I was going to run it past you
Its an idea for children's book its about a boy that can see into the future
After he gets raped by unicorn
Sort of Bitter sweet
We don't have an on suite bathroom but we do have plastic sheets
If anything its more convenient
I was in the cinema and something struck me
I think it was peanut
I'm a great driver last year I got 25 points
If you are Scottish and you don't wanna know how you gonna die look away now
Heart disease.
When my doctor told me I had heart problems. I took it with a pinch of salt
To cut a long story short Frodo does it
What we've just done ladies and gentlemen somewhere in the region of 60 jokes
in ten minutes that's quite a lot of jokes per minute that represents
value for money during the credit crunch I believe. Well done me
What I have been trying to do is write the shortest joke possible so I can pack
Even more jokes into the show So last year in the show I had a 4 word joke
Its only 4 word long but its a proper joke
Venison's dear, isn't it?
Its only 4 words. That doesn't fuck about just get straight to the point
So this year I thought I'd go one ladder I'll attempt a 3 word joke
So for your delight and delectation
Stationary Store Moves
Clearly not impressive enough I will now attempt a two word joke
"Dwarf Shortage"
Have you ever had this My girlfriend made me fire our cleaner because
She said: "The cleaner was too good looking" and she didn't want her in the house
How mental is that.. She was really good cleaner
She was specially good at getting spunk out of hair
Did you know? every day nearly 4000 serious sexual assaults occur
In my mind.
In America in Oklahoma where that fertilizer bomb went off they have now got
A garden of remembrance
And it has come up a treat
So every cloud...
These kids in American high schools I'm sure you have read about them
14 - 15 -16 years of age they go into their high school with automatic weapons
And hand guns. They go ape shit.
They shoot twenty or thirty of their fellow pupils before turning one of the guns
On themselves. What is their fucking problem?
Do they not know where the staff room is?
They could be heroes
There is two ways to stop bullying as I see it ladies and gentlemen
There are two ways to stop bullying
Firstly: You can stop the bullies. Well That's been tried
Secondly: you can stop the kids that are being bullied
For being such faggy dicks
And really the best way to do that
Is bullying
Am I what sorry?
- Were you bullied in school Sir?
Was I bullied at school?
No!
What sorry?
- But you are a faggy twat
But I'm a faggy twat.
We are all having fun I just open this can of whoop ass
Pop that there...
You are Remarkably, confident for a man in some sort of hoodie's top
What do you do for living Sir, do you mind me asking?
- I'm a student
You are student. What do you study?
- Ah, I'm in secondary school in Ireland.
You are still in secondary school in Ireland?
And what do you want to be when you grow up?
What sorry?
- A lawyer
You want to be a lawyer?
So you know you are a cunt. You are going down the line
And who are you here with this evening?
- I'm alone.
You are.. alone?
So, so far we know you are alone
And you are a bit of a cunt
I'm liking ya, Frankly What's your name Sir?
- Chris
Chris, Hi Chris. You all right?
And did you just come over for the show? over the weekend?
Just come over for the show. God bless you Chris
Feel free to join in any time you want.
The more aggressive the better Frankly
I quite like it..
Chris bullied me
- Sorry
Yes you will be
If you are being bullied because you got a speech impediment
Maybe you are from Republic of Ireland
No If you are being bullied because you got a speech impediment
There are people you can talk to
But it will take fucking ages
And they may giggle a bit
I had a friend she had a speech impediment It was quite severe sort of lispy thing
She was bullied so mercilessly at her job that she left
She has moved out to coast to work in tourism industry
She sells sea shells by the sea shore
She doesn't like to talk about it
She can't
If you have got lisp and you got offended by that
Sowwie
Sorry, I'm making light of something quite serious. Let's try and lighten the mood
Shall we? Let's lighten the mood little bit
When I read about that Austrian fella
It was bound to come up. Wasn't it?
When I read about Joseph Frizzel building a cellar under his house to imprison
His own daughter for 24 years. So he can systematically torture and abuse
Two generations of his own family.
Here is my first thought, This is how middle class I'm. My first thought was
I bet he didn't have planning permission for that
We'd all like to add some square footage but there are some fucking rules mate
Has any one in here ever tried any D.I.Y Give us a shout if you have ever tried
Any kind of D.I.Y. Yes? -Yes , Yeah
Almost every one has tried. Can anyone who has ever tried D.I.Y
Hand on heart tell me they don't have a little bit of admiration for the
Work that Frizzel did..
It's not easy building stuff Is it?
It's not easy to be a tidy workman
I'm not saying I approve of what he did down there
But he built a cellar without his wife even fuckin notice it
I'm just saying credit where credit is due
A round of applause for a Frizzel joke
You may be my kind of town
He was described in the Daily Express News Paper as most evil man in Austrian history
Not even close
Hitler!
Exam standards are coming down in this country
But focus on the positive we do very well in pregnancy tests
I'm not being snobbish but I think you know are common if you are at same school
As your mum
This is a bit snobbish. You get annoyed by the kids that
Can't use cutlery properly. That irritates me if they can't use cutlery properly
And that would add insult to injury wouldn't it?
If you got stabbed by some ASBO yob
And then were holding the knife like a pen
I'll be fucking livid
Do it again This time properly
Caravan holidays: Caravan Holidays are fun way of telling your kid
You are poor!
Most people are laughing, Couple of you are giving me the stink eye
Giving me a look as if to say: "It's actually quite a posh caravan."
"It's a six berth and we got a .... so whatever!"
Just one question for you On your holidays do you shit in a cupboard?
You just about cracked a smile but it really took some effort
What's your name madam?
What's your name? It's not the telly, I can see you
What's your name? - Camilla.
Camilla. And what do you do Camilla?
Suppose it depends on the guy
I'm only messing about
It's just you look all dressed up for this sort of show. This kind of filth
Maybe he told you we are gonna go and see a theatre show in the West end of London
And you went: "Fucking Brilliant"
You probably didn't even say fucking. You probably went
"Marvellous"
Uh huh. And the West of London a theatre show. This would be lo.. Bit of class
And is finally.. And then you.. This and you are going
For fuck sake
You brought the ticket. And how do you two know each other?
That's your mum? wow! you.. you..
You don't even look like.... you look like if you could be sisters
You don't look young she looks fucking old
I can't help myself. Its some sort of ...
I love the fact you have just turned around and go: "Does she?"
What have you done to yourself there you got a little thing on your...
What did you do... He has got a little bandage on his face
there. What have you done? - I had a growth cut off..
You had a growth cut off your face?
Ah! Sexy.
Wow! - It looked better off
It looked better off than... No I like the little thing. It's very match up
You could make up a better story than that. I feel
There's gotta be a better story than "I had a growth"
I had a black eye a while back. I had a black eye because umm..
Playing tennis. I got tennis ball in the face. I got black eye
Obviously that's a shit story. So what I said to people initially was
You should see the other bloke. Fun for about half an hour
Then I hit upon this. People said what happened to your eye? I go:
"You should see my wife."
You can visit her. She is in hospital
See it's all class this, Camilla.
Wife beating..
Good. We will check in with you from time to time. Check if you are happy
I read that drinking your own urine is meant to be good for you
Bull shit
I put my back out...
Just a little tip for you. If you ever find yourself in front of 500 people
You don't know that well. Miming drinking piss out of your own cock
Make it a double hander
What do you do. I didn't ask What do you do?
- I have a diving school in Indonesia
You have a diving school in Indonesia
Wow!
I mean I have heard some tall stories that paedophiles tell
You are a sexual tourist. You disgust me.
What kind of diving?
That sound fucking great. Well done you
I was gonna go diving in Indonesia last year But I... I read this thing online
That said you can get a thing where..
Growth on your face..
Tiny little things irritate me in life. I don't know if you get this but really
Quite trivial things annoy me.
You know when you go into fish and chips shop.Let's say on a Friday right?
And the guy in all too chirpy voice. Its the chirpiness that gets me
Goes. As you walk in Goes: "Chips will be five minutes."
What? What do you mean that chips are gonna be five minutes?
Did you not think I was gonna order chips?
It's a chip shop. The clue is very much in the name
This is the one scenario you really should have been prepared for
Some of you go to Greg's or any high street bakery. Go into any high street bakery
At 4'oclock in the afternoon and they will say in the same voice wherever you go
In the country. They will go: "We have run out of rolls"
And then they will explain it. They will go: Lot of people came in at lunch and had rolls
"Now we have run out."
Like there was nothing they could do
Make some more you fucking retard Jesus!
I sometimes get in Starbucks. You go in Starbucks?
I love Starbucks. I love the Posh coffee. You walk in there though at the end of day
And they will go: "We have turned the coffee machine off."
Well, Turn it back on fuck knuckle
I didn't come in here for a chat I want a fucking coffee
I sometimes get in the department stores at the end of the day. You know if you are in
Big department store at the end of the day. You get, from behind the counter
Quite a snooty voice
"Excuse me, We are closed."
You find yourself thinking...
How did I get in here
Am I a burglar?
I don't wanna be a burglar
Do you go into McDonalds? You might go in there later on.
You might need a poo.
Have you noticed how underneath McDonalds it still says: "Restaurant"
Who is that for? Who doesn't know what McDonalds do?
And also Restaurant. Is it a restaurant? Really?
You guys are a couple. Right? How long you been together?
Year and a bit OK so long term relationship year and a bit you been together.
How annoyed would you be madam on a scale Between one and fucking very
If next valentine he said to you: "Yeah I booked a restaurant, Yeah"
Yeah I spoke to the maître d' Yeah
Ronald I think his name was
He was either the maître d'. or a five star general cos he had the whole there...
I have organized a table for two and he recommends the Fillo Fish
You'd fucking kill him. Wouldn't you? - Yes
Who doesn't know what McDonalds do at this stage. You'd have been living
Underground for 25 fucking years.
What is this? (Austrian Accent)
Hamburger? Schnitzel..
Schnitzel for a Fritzer.
I got stopped outside McDonalds. This guy said to me the other day.
He said: "This cheap food is only made possible by GM farming cruelty to animals
"And exploitation of workers in the 3rd world."
I said: "All right, Hold up.
"You had me at cheap food."
"I'm going in there. There is no need for the hard sale
"All that other stuff is just a bonus."
Do you get the super patronising warning from the waiter about the hot plate?
Do you get that when you go out for a meal? - Yeah
The minute.. it arrives and the waiter goes "Be careful the plate is very hot."
You think Yeah I'm a grown up I think I can operate a plate
Also I can't help but notice Mr. Patronising Waiter you just put it down with your hand
But it's too hot for my little fingers
I tell you what Mr. Patronising Waiter should we see if it's hot? Shall we?
Ahhh!!
It's really hot.
I don't wanna be a dick but you should have said.
In show business they say Never work with children or animals and nowhere is that
Truer than Porno
No one likes looking at sick and degrading pornography
More than me
And one friend I have who has a "Diving School"
Any gay priests in?
No. I'm just... For those of you that collective noun for gay priests:
Priests.
It's an easy one to remember. Isn't?
Because gay priests were in the news Because if you are a gay priest you can now
Marry another gay priest. They wouldn't allow it for ages because it was gonna be
Confusing during the ceremony because would they say do you take this man or ...
Does he ... take you?
Who is the mummy?
Seems a bit awkward
I like to meet a gay priest cos normally priests do that sort of nomen parterre thing
Whatever that is
I imagine a gay priest would be a little bit more...
You know a little bit more charismatic
Jesus Christ You look amazing
Yeah. I'm gonna kneel down before you.
What? Come on!
Jesus was definitely a fag.
He hung out with twelve sailors
Fishermen Whatever!
I'm going away. We are having a dinner No girls
And he had a six pack. uff
I have got a family pack
The Church wanted to move forward on female bishops. But bishops can only move
Diagonally.
Gay priests can move wherever they want because they are queens
Altogether or not at all on the applause
Otherwise we gotta throw you a fucking fish.
Thanks very much.
I don't believe in God I'm ... I'm actually an atheist
Not even an atheist. Sorry I don't believe in God seems to be obvious now after
The Jesus is a fag comment
But I don't believe in God. I'm not even an atheist. I'm what you might call
Anti Theist. I think religion is a bad idea. I think it's a tool used by the powers
To be to control the weak minded in our society.
But you can't put that on a form
So I just write: "Church Of England"
I'm actually a lapsed Catholic. Any Catholics in?
- Yeah
Oh! Quite a few of you over there Yeah.
I'm a lapsed Catholic. I knew my days were over in the Catholic church
When I found myself at communion thinking:
"I like the wine, I'm loving the wafer. Any chance of a bit of cheese?"
Don't get me wrong though I still respect the Pope. I like to think of Pope as:
"King of the Paedos"
He is the best one. He is the "Ring Leader"
He is Gary Glitter's boss
Did you see the story about Gary Glitter? There was a GCSE music question
about Gary Glitter.
How bad is that?
How bad is that? A GCSE music question about a Gary Glitter song.
Cos if there is one artist you don't wanna associate with the phrase:
"Sshh! Turn over. You got an hour."
I should leave Glitter alone. He just wants to settle down and have kids
Well, I though We might have some questions from you the audience but I often
Get asked the same things by audiences around the country
So I have prepared some FAQs questions to go through first
I get asked after every gig by men of certain age they would go to me:
"You been on Top Gear Who is the stig?"
Do you wanna know? - Yes
It's the girl from the Xavierx ads.
I often get asked favourite colour. It's such a weird question
Because colour is all about context For example
Bright Red: Bright red is a great colour for a sports car. It's a terrible colour for
An Anus.
We all like the green grass and trees and leaves
But discharge?
Every one likes blue skies
But Pensioners?
Don't give me the Owhhhh! I have already toned that down
That was originally Dead Babies
Someone asked me recently: "Any grooming tips?"
I said: "Yeah don't do it. It's illegal"
Sorry. I can't help but notice you look quite young there.
How old are you sir? Do you mind me asking?
You are what sorry?
You are 13?
Did you understand that grooming joke?
Just I can explain it to you backstage after
Most natural thing in the world Sshhhhh!
And who you here with. Your dad? - Yeah
You are fine with this filth. Aren't you sir?
Are you fine with this level of filth?
Good. You couldn't give a fuck. Brilliant
Well, The good news is you have got a cool dad
Bad news is: You gonna have to go into the Care
Cos he is not very responsible.
I get asked: "What did you study?" I did Philosophy in English.
Well I say I did Philosophy in English What I mean is I thought about
Reading a book.
What did you do before you did this?
I was backstage masturbating and crying
What would you be if you weren't a famous comedian?
I'd be a comedian you hadn't known of
Who is you favourite comedian of all time ever?. Well I would have to say
Me
I know it sounds a little bit arrogant but think about it
It is exactly my sense of humour.
People come up to me all the time and say: "I love your sarcasm"
I say: "Do you really?"
I often get asked... This is fair enough He is a funny boy and he is doing very well
For himself. People often ask me: "Are you related to Alan Carr?"
Yes.
He is my sister.
There is Me, Alan and Maxine
Us two were livid
When we found out Alan was gay.
I often get asked about that People often ask me:
"Have you ever had any gay experiences?"
Well, Yes. I have had gay experiences
I've been in a shoe shop and said: "I have to have them."
I have described a cheese cake as "To die for"
But I never had the gay experience when someone puts their cock in my mouth or bum
And really that is one that counts
Doesn't count if you do it to them does it?
Does it?
I thought it wasn't gay if you didn't push back
It's definitely not gay if you beat them up afterwards
I often get asked this: "What celebrity would you most like to sleep with?"
Angelina Jolie. I'd love to have a go on that
She is an attractive woman. Isn't she?
I had a dream about her a couple of weeks ago
I'm not saying it was sexy I had to get the sheets off with a toffee hammer
That's a weird joke. Isn't it?. Cos once your mind has to go Ugh! and
Ah! Toffee Hammers
I have realised I haven't got much of a chance with Angelina Jolie
She is with Brad Pitt. I have got a face like a potato
My only chance with her is if I black up and check myself into
A Mozambique orphanage
But that could backfire you could end up fucking Madonna
People often ask me favourite joke and its not a bad question
Cos, I have spent my life writing books about jokes and thinking about jokes
I'm quite obsessed by jokes. So its a fair question
I like sort of pub jokes that can drop a nice image in your head
I like: Why do women watch porn to the end?
To see if they get married.
It's adorable. Isn't it?
I like this joke cos this is very Northern. Very Yorkshire joke
Any Yorkshire people in? - Yeah
I'll tell in Yorkshire accent. Patronising
We didn't have paedophiles when I were a lad.
We had to buy our own sweets
Come on! How Yorkshire is that?
I got told this one. Just a pub joke I got told couple of months ago just
By a friend and just really tickled me
He said: What's the difference between Jam and Marmalade?
I said I don't know the difference between Jam and Marmalade, You'll have to tell me
He said: You can't marmalade your cock up a bird's arse.
I know. I know. I know I know. I know its a bit much I know
But there is a good reason for me telling you that joke
Don't you find it awkward when the in laws come to stay at your house
You find that weird? When her mum and dad come to stay at your house?
I find it really weird.. I feel like a child in my own home
Breakfast is the worst time for me cos I'm not really a morning person anyway
All you can hear is the crunch of toasts slurping of tea
There's no conversation. It's just awkward.
Yeah. Every one is Jim jams and robes. That's just weird
What I have given you there A lovely little ice breaker
Cos when her dad says: "Could you pass the jam?"
Here is one for you
No. Don't cry cos you can jam your...
Has anyone got any questions this evening? Anything you would like to know?
- Jimmy. Yes - If you couldn't be a comedian...
If I wasn't a comedian.. - If you couldn't be a comedian..
If I couldn't be a comedian.. Many people would say I can't be
There is a school of thought that says "What the fuck is he doing?"
But go on, If I couldn't be a comedian? - What would you do?
I.. The same as you. I would dress up as Emily
And wonder the streets looking for adventure
It's a good look. I'm loving that. What do you do? - I'm a student
You are a student. Where are you studying You studying in London?
Canterbury. Ow never mind. Maybe if you had worked a little bit harder
For your A-Levels.
Canterbury University. You say Canterbury but what I hear is Clearing
Yeah there is no shame in that. That's fine
Any other thoughts?
Come on you go on. - What's the best thing that ever happened to you?
What's the best thing... ? The time we fucked.
I know you don't remember but that is the wonder of Rohypnol
Trust me. It was magical
Are you good?
No. - You said it not me
No. No You are now saying you are good at fucking. That's great
I'll put that on my DvD and your mum and dad can watch.
The man next to you incidentally is sort of going ....
She has got a point. She is fucking marvellous.
Excellent. Nice to get a good review.
Any other thoughts? Questions?
- If you were a soup what flavour of soup would you be?
He said: "If you were a soup what flavour of soup would you be?"
Is that who I think it is? Is that the BFG?
What kind of a soup would you be?
I would be a lovely, delicious Wan Tan soup
I don't know what kind of a soup...
What kind of a soup would you be? Is there a leading...?
I'd be Tomato and ...
You have got the loveliest voice in the world.
- Can you get me a date tonight?
What sorry? - Get me a date tonight?
Get you a date? Not a problem Do you like 13 year old boys?
Sorry Mate.
We are all having a laugh. You are going: "Is that gonna happen or no..."
You are fine. You are golden. And what's your name Sir?
Steven. Steve
What do you do Steve? I'm a Dentist.
And I like soup.
You are never going to chip a tooth on soup.
Said the BFG.
You are wasted. You should be doing voice overs. It's lovely
- I'll go on a date with ya.
There is a .. There is a large titted slag that will fuck you
She is pretty hot. She is all right. I don't know if you can see. Can you see her there?
Steve? She is all right. - Can she stand up?
Could she stand up. I don't think she could..
Would you like to have a go on that?
She said Woo really quietly but it picked up an echo from her enormous..
Its gonna be like throwing sausage up the alleyway but...
I'm only kidding
What's your name madam? - Tracy
Tracy.
Of course it fucking is.
Of course it is. Of course.
Sorry let's ask... You two can meet in the lobby
You have got the same sense of humour and she is you know...
- And she is easy. What sorry?
She is easy
When I was younger I couldn't talk to women
Because I was hiding in their wardrobes masturbating.
It would have totally given it away.
You didn't see that coming. Did you?
I have written a Romcom, I wanted to tell you about this I have written a
Romantic comedy. It's about a guy and a girl Classic. Yeah.
Initially they hate each other. Classic
But end up in bed together. Classic
It's called "The Rapist"
If you get arrested for making obscene phone calls and you get taken down to
The station and you got one phone call
It's gonna be a temptation. Isn't it?
Excuse me office, I'm just gonna finish myself off.
You can say PCs gone mad and no one minds People quite like if you say PCs gone mad
Political Correctness has gone mad. They like that
But if you say PC's gone fucking spastic like a Monk rapist
People get quite chippy
Sorry, I should clarify When I say Fucking Spastic like a monk rapist
I mean a rapist that rapes monks not a monk that rapes
I don't wanna offend any one
Although thinking about it, getting raped by a monk, Not as bad.
At least you get a cuddle afterwards
Although good luck in the police line up
They all look a bit same to me
Swings and round abouts.
Ah! what they like
While we are on the subject of Down Syndrome That's not a line you hear enough
While we are on subject of Down Syndrome Don't they have enough to worry about
Without they haircut.
What Sadistic barber is thinking: "This fellow is not getting bullied enough."
What about a bald cut.
Last July I was in Region's Park just hanging out with couple of friends
On a beautiful summer's day. I saw a Muslim woman in full kit
All right, It's not called kit.
Hijab, Burqa, Yashmak The full thing yeah.
Roller Blading.
It looked amazing.
Cos it was such a hot day it looked like someone's shadow would got up and fucked off
No. Obviously that's a joke about religious dress not a joke about ethnicity or race
Because I say Muslim women but I don't know for sure
You can't tell with that sort of thing. Can you?
It could have been a Catholic fellow for under there for all I know
Or a Ninja.
There used to be a problem with racism in this country. When my family moved here
From Limerick. My family moved here from Limerick in 1970s. It was still common place
Yeah. To have signs in hotels and B&Bs in the window saying:
"No Blacks, No Dogs, No Irish" I thought this country had changed
And changed for the better. I'm not so sure
I was in a shop the other day there was a sign up saying.Checks (Czechs) not accepted
It's a disgrace
I saw a thing on Sky News the bloke went: "Should Eastern European Immigration be...
"Stopped. Let's see what the Polls have to say"
That's a very poor choice of words
Some people eat road kill. have you heard about this?
They take stuff that's been mowed down on the streets. They scrape it up they clean
it They cook it. They eat it.
Fine. But What you have got to accept is that some of these kids have got families.
I got a couple of speeding tickets last year I have got to be super careful now
I have got six points on my licence. So I got this special device.
Some of you have probably got it too. Sits on the dashboard tells you if there's
A speed camera in the street. Makes a beeping noise.. Goes: Beep beep beep
To warn you there's a speed camera.
Also makes a noise if there's a child in the road. It goes: Burdum, Burdum
What?
Last week I ran over a kid carrying a symbol
Bronchhh!!!!
Come on!
What's not to like it?
It's a joke about killing a child in a musical style.
Premature Ejaculation
Is a problem for many men
Well, I say it's a problem for men. Mainly it's a problem for women.
What do we care. We are asleep.
You can now get practically invisible spray-on condoms
Which are being designed specifically
For Gullible women.
You can get condoms that are ribbed for her pleasure So what I do
Turn them inside out Please myself.
Oh! you probably wondering why I have asked you here this evening.
I wanted to talk to you about relationships and sex and love
And I wanted to give you some advice. Yeah?
Cos it is nice to talk about that sort of thing and everyone can relate to it
Cos you are either in a happy relationship Yeah? Or you wanna get into
A happy relationship. Yeah. Or or..
Maybe you have come for eating and living with too many cats.
Or "Happily Single" as you call it.
So I was gonna give you some advice about relationship and you know that sort of thing
I thought we might talk to the single men first.
Who are the single men. Give us a shout? - Yeah
Said the single men. Yeah that's probably why you are single
OK. If you are on a date with a woman do tell her you have got feelings for her
Don't tell her It's an erection.
Do walk her home Don't follow her home.
Do surprise her Don't wear a balaclava
Do offer to pay for dinner Don't offer to pay for anything else.
Unless it's Tracy in which case a bag of chips would get you laid
Hey Tracy.
It's a good indicator that a woman fancies you for when you are talking she touches her hair
If it's a pubic hair It's a cert
Women like the strong silent type. That's because when we are quiet
They think we are listening.
What you like ladies?
Could be a bit depressing, being a single man.
Can be. Can be a bit of borak..I have got an inspirational story,This will cheer you up
Concerns my friend Emily. She is beautiful She is intelligent and she is funny
She is a tipple threat. She is on a date with a guy about two months ago
They were having dinner across from each other. Main course arrives Lasagne as it
Happens OK. He leans across to her plate Takes a massive bit of that Lasagne, eats it
Without saying anything. Does it again like 30 seconds later
Another massive bit .. eats it off her plate
Does it for the third time
All she said was: "What are you doing?"
He came back with this, He said: "I'm paying for it. Aren't I?"
I know.
The reason I think that's an inspirational story
She still fucked him.
I can't believe his luck. He got laid and had half of lasagne.
Is anyone actually on a date this evening? I can see few people I think might be on dates
But I don't wanna kind of embarrass you because dates are anxious enough anyway
They are fraught with anxiety. Aren't they? Being on a date ..
Cos you don't know when you gonna move in for the kiss
You don't know how its gonna end up later on They are just weird and awkward.
So I'd like to break the ice for you. I'll break the ice for you.
Why not suggest fucking in the disabled toilets.
That's what they are for
That's why they got the hand rail for more exotic positing.
Don't give me that look. In my defence when I was in there I was fucking a cripple.
And I'm 90% sure it was consensual.
- How was it? How was it?
But that is Parkinson's for you.
I think clapping a Parkinson's joke is...
In poor taste ladies and gentlemen.
People do seem obsessed by where others are having sex.
The mile high club is a good example Any members of the mile high club in?
Yeah. Doesn't count if you are on your own
You know that right? The Mile high club: Making love in a plane.
Sounds exotic and glamorous doesn't it? But what you really saying is:
"We fucked in a chemical toilet."
Obviously there is a budget version for you.
Top deck of a bus. Fingering.
Are you paying attention. That's all in the wrist
Don't go in with that hand you'll refold yourself
You keep sure you put that hand Keep that hand for ticketing
This is fun and we are learning things
Men and women are different. Now I know we all know that in our head
But the more you can accept that in your heart I think the better the easier life is
Right? Yeah.
Some examples: Women like to relax in a hot bath with candles and oils
Men generally prefer to masturbate in the shower
Yeah we know what you are up to in there ladies.
Why does this loofah smells funny
Some advice for the ladies. I'd a woman come up to me after the show
A couple of weeks ago. She said: "I think you are very sexist."
I think you'll find it's pronounced "Sexy"
Run along, grown ups talking.
Ladies if a man says he likes foreign films
Porn
If a man says he enjoys long walks in the country side it might mean he is
A romantic soul. It's more likely he is saying:
"They'll never find your body"
When women put out on the first date Men don't like that
We love it.
Yeah. I.. I.. You know.
I have read a thesis that said 98% of men are happy to have sex on first date
I thought happy?
We are high fiving strangers on a night bus
Of course a lot of women don't wanna have sex on a first date even if they wanna
Have sex on a first date because they think if they had sex on first date makes them
A slag or a Slut or something.
Not any more ladies. You gonna have to do more than that
To ba a slag these days
Am I right Tracy?
Just saying, like having sex on a first date just means you wanted to have sex
On the first date. That's all it means.
To be a slag these days you gonna have to do so much more
I have got friends that are slags. My friend Louise is a slag
She's got five kids
By seven different dads.
She's got a speech impediment that prevents her from saying No.
Well I say it's a speech impediment It's actually a cock in her mouth
She is such a slag that council trims her bush
I have got a question .. I have got the question for the men
Have you ever seen a woman so unattractive to you
It makes you question your sexuality?
I'll explain Cos for me it would be like Gillian McKeith.
You know the woman form how clean is your poo?
Weird looking creature
So if you put Gillian McKeith there and Brad Pitt there
And you said to me your life depends on it you got to do it with one of them
You gotta make the beast with two backs
Do the sticky belly
I'd think right I'm a heterosexual man Gillian is woman Gillian is
Owww!!!
Ahhh!!! Jesus!!
Give it here
Is that bad? Does that make me half right half chips?
- Half right You are Right.
Well what ... OK let me give you a moral dilemma
What is your name? give me your name. Marcus
OK Moral Dilemma for you all right. Ann Whitikon, George Coloney
If you had to
You going for Ann whitikon?
Are you mental?
She has got a face like a bull dog licking the piss of a nettle
And she is a hell of a size. You are a slip of light.She'd fuck you in half.
And that is only where your problems begin because I imagine her peachy pouch
Her Lala, Her fofo, Her Wendy
Her special lady garden. Call it what you will. I bet it looks like a badger
That's been hit with a shot gun
I bet there are police divers that would be squeamish about going down on that
I bet it looks like a bull dog eating mayonnaise
I bet George Coloney has got the prettiest cock you have ever seen
Why don't you spit-roast her?
You suggesting I double team
Ann Whitikon with George Coloney
Now that is a celebrity sex tape that would sell
Some one said that the other day Marcus Some one as macho as you the other day
They went: "Yeah Ann Whitikon just put a bag over it"
Really?
Has that ever happened ladies?
How low would your self esteem have to be
You would fuck a guy who have just gone: "Can I just..."
That's better
Chat up lines: Let's do some chat up lines OK?
Obviously the best chat up line is:
"Will you hold my pint while I go for a shit?"
- "If you were a soup, what flavour of soup would you be?"
Steve every one
And his brilliant chat up line If you were a soup.
What flavour of soup would you be
I.. I think that's right up there with
"Does this rag smell of chloroform to you?"
And the ever green
Let's not turn this rape into a murder
The problem with chat up lines you know whether they gonna work
Pretty much immediately. You know straight away whether the girl is thinking you are
A drink or buy us a drink. OK?
So I have written some abort mission lines for you so you could be sort of half way
Through a chat up scenario
And you can abort the mission if you think it's going badly. Right?
So we would work like this. You would say: "Do you wanna dance?"
She'd have face like thunder. You'd go: "Can I have your seat?"
Did you hurt yourself when you fell from heaven?
Cos it looks like you landed on your face.
I have never seen a more beautiful women in my life
So can you move?
Here's ten pence for your mum
Tell her I'll be there in half an hour to fuck her
Get your coat you are pulled
Hang on you probably don't own a coat Girls your size tend not to feel the cold
And my personal favourite. Save this for someone special
Your father must have been a thief
Cos you look like a pikey.
Let's talk about gifts. Cos gifts are very important when you are in a relationship
They show your partner how you feel about them.This is interesting my girlfriend
Suggested last Christmas that we limit ourselves to £20 for each other presents
But I wasn't thinking about spending that kind of money
Obviously If you are buying gifts for a women its pretty easy.
Just go for the classics. You know Champagne, Chocolates, Flowers
Unless you are dating an Alcoholic, Bulimic with hay fever
I buy my girlfriend flowers every week
Cos I really fancy the girl in the florist
I have told the girl in the florist my girlfriend is dead
I thought it was a good idea at the time It slightly back fired
You try explaining to your other half why you got her
four weeks in a row
Obviously different flower express different emotions
So for example, red flowers say passion
Yellow flowers say love
And self raising flour says: "Make me a cake."
My girlfriend said recently. She said: We need some romance in our lives
So I took the hint, I booked a hotel. Flower Chocolate, Champagne, Petals on the bed
The full bed. Ended up having incredible sex
Of course it turned out
She wanted me to take her
What's the fucking point of that. I live with her
She'd be there when I get back
I'm not saying I feel cheated but when we got together she said to me, She said:
"I'm very liberal about sex. I don't care what people do as long as..
"They are consenting adults and no one gets hurt."
There is always a catch. Isn't it?
"No one gets hurt"
"Consenting"
"Adults"
Basically No fun.
All right. Some sex tips. Let's try and be grown up about this. Yeah?
Gentlemen: If you are having sex with a new partner for the first time
Never take a run up.
I know what you are like. You wanna make a good first impression
But you don't wanna actually leave a dent.
A lot of women don't like if you leave your socks on during sex but I always leave one
On Cos I don't wanna get her pregnant.
Some women don't like to have the lights on But it can't be helped in my case
because they come on automatically when I open the car door
And then they stay on for 20 seconds So it is over
This isn't a advice. This is more of a reminder and it's a reminder to men
In long term relationships, Cos standards can slide as the relationship goes on
Just a reminder for the men in long term relationships
It is never acceptable, Never Acceptable. Yeah
To answer the phone when love making
Even if you hilariously pick up by saying: "I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel"
Some common myths you may have heard These are just myths, they are not true
The best lubricant for anal sex
Is not tears
It's blood
I bought some KY Jelly. It said on the box, not to be taken internally
I thought where do they think it's fucking going.
If you are gonna have sex I can't stress this enough
If you gonna have sex with some one that you don't know. Always, Always, Always
Ask
Let's talk about sexual health. Shall we?
STDs, STIs and the like. Cos there is a big difference my young friend, between
Giving a girl goosebumps and giving her a rash.
What?
Have you all seen the ad. where the girl has AIDS written on her bra
And Chlamydia written on her knickers?
Well, That is no way to tell your partner
It turns out
Chlamydia that's the one you wanna get
That's the gold standard of STIs
That's the best one. I was chatting to a friend who is proper doctor
He said: "Chlamydia is right but the worst thing is there are no symptoms."
I said: "How is it even a disease?"
He said: "It can make a woman infertile."
I said: " ... "
I will throw away these condoms then. Shall I?
The only way Chlamydia could get any better as if the discharge was a
Pizza
The woman are thinking that is disgusting
And the men are thinking That would be brilliant
Can I just make the point. There are a lot of young ladies in today
Can I just make the point? It is totally socially acceptable
For young women to carry condoms in their purse or in their bag. Of course it is
But a young man carrying a coil is weird.
She know how the coil contraceptive device works?
No idea? Well. I'll explain.
Think of me as a kindly uncle
The way the coil contraceptive device works is that the lady says to the man
I have got a piece of coiled metal
Somewhere in my vajayjay
And the man
Goes off the idea.
You got a bit of metal where?
Any chance of a gob job?
Let's talk about break ups cos breaks ups can be hard. Can't they?
It's not you me It's me is a terrible way to break up with someone
But not as bad as: It's not you, it's her
Women give us the silent treatment
Because they think
It's a punishment
We have got a special name for The Silent Treatment
We call it: Peace and Quiet.
I don't wanna sound misogynistic but I think break ups are easier for women
Than they are for men. Because you think women have got support network of
Friends and family that they really talk about their actual emotions
What have men got in break up to fall back on
All we have got is our mates
You try telling your mates, A girl has broken your heart
And your mates would likely go:
"Well it's just as well, Cos you are clearly a puff"
I had it happened recently with my friend Russell, He broke up with his wife
They'd been married for 4 years together for six
She's left him for another guy. What do you say?. I don't have the vocabulary
To have that kind of emotional conversation
Ended up falling back on the old clichés
I said: There's plenty more fish in the sea
He said: "Yeah, But it's not just the smell I miss"
well on that cerebral and edifying note Has any one got any questions or queries
About Sex or relationships. Anything you need to know?
- What's your favourite Position?
I like reverse cow girl but you know I'm old fashioned that way.
What's your Sir?
- Various Various.
I think I can..
Yeah. I imagine it's either that
Or that..
Yeah.
Maybe that , He knows Yeah treat yourself. Why not?
- What wouldn't you do that your Mrs. would ask you to do?
What wouldn't I do that my Mrs. would ask me to do?
Stop.
I was parked early on a single yellow line and I was worried about traffic
Warden coming when I wasn't there. So I left a little note on windscreen
For the traffic warden. Do you do that?
On this note saying: "Oye traffic warden cunt, I fucked your mum"
Apparently the rear passenger side of the car is the safest place to be
In a accident. Yeah.
Although I think if you are back there.It might explain
Why you have crashed
If it's an offence to impersonate a police man
Why we have got community support officers?
My girlfriend has got one of those tiny little strips of hair. What are they called?
Moustache
Landing strip?
She is only twelve.
I'm joking
She has got landing strips
She is a very hairy little girl.
I have slightly upset myself with that
She is a vegetarian. Any other Vegetarians in?
Any? A few vegetarians around.
She.. Caroline's vegetarian. She thinks it's disgusting that I eat veal
But she eats
Baby carrots
They are babies
Of course some women can eat whatever they want. They don't put on any weight
And they are called
Bitches
Not that I don't mind the fuller figure. I quite like the larger lady
I went out with a girl once who was quite a lot larger. Yeah
When she sat around the house
She sat around the house
If you had a pillow fight you had to use a duvet
I undressed her with my eyes. It took me 45 minutes
I tried to spoon with her. It's more like a ladle
I have got a photo of her somewhere
Taken by google earth
My girlfriend and I are trying for a baby
We got pretty close outside last Saturday
I was in LosAngeles last year doing a bit of work and I got stopped at the airport
They said: "Purpose of visit?"
I said: "I'm here to shoot a pilot."
That's three hours of my life I'm not getting back.
I was told when I was twelve years of age by my Catholic priest
He said to me: "God is watching you when you masturbate."
I said: "Is he a paedo too Father?"
I'm joking I said: "Is he a paedo too father?"
Now that joke maybe offensive to Catholics
But it's not the only reason I like it
The thing about Child Line...
I haven't said anything yet
The thing about Child Line is: Now we have a generation of children
That can't keep a secret.
I know that does not sound very charitable but let me leave you with this
Ten pence from the sale of every one of my DvDs goes to the poor under privileged
Children of Cambodia, Who
Manufacture them
This is I Jimmy Carr. Thank you very much indeed for coming out.
I'd like to, Take this opportunity to dedicate the gig this evening
To 2pac
I miss him
No I'd like to dedicate the gig to Caroline my girlfriend
The more beautiful, hard working, dedicated woman could not be found
Despite exhaustive and on going research on my part
I have got a lovely note before the gig this evening from some one's dad
He is here with his daughter. She is 16 today I believe
She is here with some friends celebrating her birthday.
I don't know where you are sitting.
Your dad was wondering if you could get an autograph after the show
I will do better than that. Bring her back stage
I'll finger her
I'm joking.
I'll fuck her
I often get asked after the show. The most common question after the show is
What's the most offensive joke? What's the worst joke?
Now I don't think I can tell you the most offensive joke
Cos I think offence is taken not given That's not just an expression
That is how it tends to work
Different people take offence to different things
So I can't tell you what the most offensive joke is
But we could see
We could start gentle and work our way up
And see at what stage as an audience You go:
Ah! For fuck sake
Do you wanna give it a go? - Yes
Well, Let's start gently. Baby steps All right? We start gentle
Very sad when princess Diana died
And all London got was that shitty fountain.
Still better than Paris, All they got was slow down side
No one offended but you should have heard the fuss when I suggested it
On the Royal Variety.
Do you remember where you were when you heard Diana died?
Yeah, I was in Kensington garden's thinking This place needs something
The Twin Towers
Was the best of the Lord of the Rings films
No the Twin Towers. Do you think it'd have seen less tragic
If they haven't been twins
I'll be honest with you. I feel more sorry for the people in the 2nd tower
Than the people in the first tower. Do you?
Cos the people in the 2nd tower, Imagine that. Imagine you get into work one morning
The building next to your, identical to yours gets hit by a fucking plane
What's your first thought gonna be?
We dodged a bullet.
Unlucky!
Five minutes later. Ah! for fuck sake..
You all seem fine so far. Let's go all up a gear in terms of offence
Let's change tacts a little bit
People say Dolphins are really intelligent
I think yeah but only compared to the retarded kids we got them swimming with
When a dog is on heat. It means it wants sex
That is my defence
It's a good area for offence that. isn't it? The weird sexual things that other
People do that you have heard about You never dream of doing but you
Have heard about. Feltching is a good example
It's even a horrible word. Feltching. For those of you that don't know
Feltching is the retrieval of sperm from the anal canal via suction
I know. How mental is that?
It's like fucking someone in the ass and then going:
"I take that back."
No one offended by feltching. OK. Let's go up another gear
I have got a friend that recently had an abortion
But on the positive side
Slimmer the month.
She got a badge and round of applause She can't believe her luck
on the subject of abortions, a lot of people support a woman's right to choose
But I think if I am paying for it
I am joking I never pay.
Doesn't cost anything to fall down the stairs. Does it?
Some of these girls are I swear they think I am made of coat hangers
Well, that got a few of you
Just a few of you the hard corner offended by anything so far?
See if we can pick you off
I discovered the hard way the worst way to start a benefit gig for abused children
Is with an apology
I said I was sorry I don't see what the fuss was about.
If men fall asleep directly after sex
Why is it so difficult to catch a rapist?
No one offended. Right. Let's bring out the big guns
Hitler and Pol Pot
Unquestionably two of history's biggest cunts
But let's try and see the good and the bad and both Hitler and Pol Pot
Managed to conduct an awful lot of medical research
Without hurting any animals.
I put it to you if you are not even a little bit offended
You haven't really Understood that
This next joke is just a simple piece of word play. It's a little turn on
A very common phrase. Yeah, Just a little bit of word play
The joke isn't about what the joke's about if you follow me. It's about the word play
Yeah you know it's gonna be offensive
If it comes with a little warning before hand.
They say there is safety in numbers.
Yeah. Tell that to 6 million Jews.
Really London? Really?
A round of applause.
Cos, to my mind that should be the most offensive joke
Not just in the show but in the world ever
Cos, Content wise that's a joke about the worst thing that's ever happened.
The Holocaust. 6 Million lives taken by an industrialised killing machine The Nazis
That's the worst thing in human history and that's a joke about that.
But it's not that offensive of a joke It's not anti Semitic, It's not racist
It doesn't hate anyone I mean it's in bad taste
I'll give you that
Cos it's taking lightly something very serious
And that's like the definition of bad taste
I put my hand up to bad taste Obviously I put my hand up like that
Not like that
That's only gonna make things worse
Never High five a Rabbi.
You know the most offensive joke in the world if you judge it by offence caused
Yeah, the.. the.. the kind of consequence of the joke rather than the content of joke
Is actually a cartoon done 4 years ago. Yeah.
Caused more offence than any other joke in human history
It was a Mohammed with a bomb as a hat
Done by a Danish man
There was protesting all over the Islamic world.
They don't like a chronography at the best of times
They certainly don't like people taking the piss
So there was protesting all over the Islamic world some of those protests
Turned into riots. Three Danish Embassies burnt to the ground
And ten people lost their lives in rioting
All because of a joke.
About somebody's imaginary friend.
I'll be honest with you I think some of the Islamic world slightly over reacted
I think the Iranian Govt. slightly over reacted. They decided to boycott
All Danish products.
Now I'm not sure they were doing a roaring trade
In Pornography, Beer and Bacon before
So that is for what it's worth the most offensive joke in the world ever
Ladies and Gentlemen thank you so much for coming to the show tonight
Thank you so much for buying the DvD if you are watching this at home
Just a quick thing before I go
The worst thing about being told you have got Alzheimer's
Is it doesn't just happen the once
It's I be Jimmy Carr thank you very much indeed. I appreciate it
Thank you Steve. Thank you Tracy. Thank you young man. Cheers!
Good luck with the face man.