1 00:00:05,856 --> 00:00:10,856 2 00:00:10,858 --> 00:00:15,125 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Jim Norton! 3 00:00:26,792 --> 00:00:31,056 Thank you! 4 00:00:31,058 --> 00:00:32,658 Thank you! 5 00:00:36,692 --> 00:00:38,325 Thank you, Boston! 6 00:00:41,858 --> 00:00:43,156 I appreciate your coming. 7 00:00:43,158 --> 00:00:44,692 How are you? 8 00:00:47,992 --> 00:00:50,490 Let's be honest, if I had one ounce of balls, 9 00:00:50,492 --> 00:00:52,790 I would have worn a sweater and done my entire act 10 00:00:52,792 --> 00:00:54,292 as Bill Cosby! 11 00:00:56,725 --> 00:01:00,192 "Oh, you look a little thirsty..." 12 00:01:04,692 --> 00:01:07,023 A bit of good news for any Cosby fans, 13 00:01:07,025 --> 00:01:09,390 he actually does have a new show coming out, 14 00:01:09,392 --> 00:01:12,225 Women Make The Darnedest Accusations. 15 00:01:17,392 --> 00:01:19,690 I'm going to say one good thing about Bill Cosby 16 00:01:19,692 --> 00:01:21,290 in this whole scandal, 17 00:01:21,292 --> 00:01:24,756 he has made me realize I am not nearly as big a pervert 18 00:01:24,758 --> 00:01:26,192 as I thought I was! 19 00:01:27,958 --> 00:01:31,456 I'm a normal, sexually healthy person! 20 00:01:31,458 --> 00:01:33,156 Yeah, I like to be spanked, 21 00:01:33,158 --> 00:01:35,625 and if a finger slips in, I'm not going to be rude. 22 00:01:37,692 --> 00:01:41,192 But if we fuck, I'd like you to be awake through it! 23 00:01:45,892 --> 00:01:48,456 And if you do fall asleep, I want it to be out of boredom, 24 00:01:48,458 --> 00:01:50,192 like all the other ones! 25 00:01:51,392 --> 00:01:53,090 What a ghoulish story, man! 26 00:01:53,092 --> 00:01:55,590 I mean, it's really hard for any of us to kind of fathom 27 00:01:55,592 --> 00:01:57,723 that this guy, who we've loved for all these years, 28 00:01:57,725 --> 00:01:59,223 could be guilty of this stuff. 29 00:01:59,225 --> 00:02:00,690 And I understand the instinct 30 00:02:00,692 --> 00:02:03,290 to defend somebody who hasn't been convicted in court. 31 00:02:03,292 --> 00:02:05,290 But there's a lot of accusations. 32 00:02:05,292 --> 00:02:08,190 And Phylicia Rashad came out and defended him, 33 00:02:08,192 --> 00:02:10,990 and it's always interesting to see the TV wife 34 00:02:10,992 --> 00:02:15,192 defend the TV husband of real-life rape charges... 35 00:02:16,892 --> 00:02:18,258 because she would know... 36 00:02:19,792 --> 00:02:21,356 Obviously, he would have told her. 37 00:02:21,358 --> 00:02:23,223 She's, like, "I saw him every Monday morning, 38 00:02:23,225 --> 00:02:25,190 and no, he didn't talk about that," you know. 39 00:02:25,192 --> 00:02:26,290 "So, what did you do all weekend?" 40 00:02:26,292 --> 00:02:27,123 Like, he was going to go, 41 00:02:27,125 --> 00:02:28,390 "I was raping [INAUDIBLE]! 42 00:02:28,392 --> 00:02:33,358 The girl fell asleep, I sucked her toes!" 43 00:02:40,358 --> 00:02:42,556 You know, 44 00:02:42,558 --> 00:02:44,223 people hang onto that, like, 45 00:02:44,225 --> 00:02:46,423 well, you know, these women are all making it up, 46 00:02:46,425 --> 00:02:48,590 it's a conspiracy, or they want money, or they want fame. 47 00:02:48,592 --> 00:02:50,923 Okay, maybe a couple of them are. 48 00:02:50,925 --> 00:02:53,223 Ah, but, you know, 20 women? 49 00:02:53,225 --> 00:02:54,490 I mean, over 20. 50 00:02:54,492 --> 00:02:56,592 That's two football teams of women! 51 00:02:58,058 --> 00:03:00,556 That's like if the Cowboys were playing the Packers, 52 00:03:00,558 --> 00:03:02,490 and they both stopped at the same time, 53 00:03:02,492 --> 00:03:06,192 and looked at the referee, and said, "Bill Cosby raped me!" 54 00:03:14,025 --> 00:03:15,490 Well, he raped all of us but Romo. 55 00:03:15,492 --> 00:03:16,556 He handed Romo the drink, 56 00:03:16,558 --> 00:03:18,192 and he dropped it! 57 00:03:27,225 --> 00:03:30,223 It's just a lot of people to be lying about the same thing, 58 00:03:30,225 --> 00:03:31,356 and in the same way. 59 00:03:31,358 --> 00:03:32,890 So, let's play devil's advocate, 60 00:03:32,892 --> 00:03:35,156 I mean, I'll even say, okay, just to appease those people, 61 00:03:35,158 --> 00:03:36,823 let's say half the women are lying, 62 00:03:36,825 --> 00:03:38,123 which I don't think they are. 63 00:03:38,125 --> 00:03:39,856 But let's just say half are lying. 64 00:03:39,858 --> 00:03:44,223 That means he still raped at least 10 or 11 women. 65 00:03:44,225 --> 00:03:46,625 I don't want to say that's an impressive number... 66 00:03:48,392 --> 00:03:50,423 Like, you hear that, you never want someone to see you going, 67 00:03:50,425 --> 00:03:52,823 "Oh..." You know. 68 00:03:52,825 --> 00:03:53,956 But if you're a rapist, 69 00:03:53,958 --> 00:03:55,992 you're tipping your cap to Bill Cosby! 70 00:03:57,858 --> 00:04:00,392 He's the Bernie Madoff of rapists! 71 00:04:03,025 --> 00:04:07,156 He never had that self-hating moment of clarity. 72 00:04:07,158 --> 00:04:10,123 Like, were there no mirrors in any of these rooms? 73 00:04:10,125 --> 00:04:12,290 Like, did he not once look up in the mirror 74 00:04:12,292 --> 00:04:14,825 as he was having sex with a sleeping woman? 75 00:04:28,558 --> 00:04:31,523 How do you keep an erection after your partner goes 76 00:04:31,525 --> 00:04:38,690 [SNORING SOUND]...? 77 00:04:38,692 --> 00:04:40,823 That moment of self-recognition 78 00:04:40,825 --> 00:04:42,523 and self-hatred is kind of healthy. 79 00:04:42,525 --> 00:04:44,892 I've had that moment alone! 80 00:04:46,925 --> 00:04:48,456 There's been times where I had to power 81 00:04:48,458 --> 00:04:51,256 down and turn off and close my laptop, 82 00:04:51,258 --> 00:04:53,758 while I still had cum all over myself! 83 00:04:58,058 --> 00:05:00,123 Because the last thing I need is to trip 84 00:05:00,125 --> 00:05:03,525 and kill myself as I'm duck-walking to the bathroom... 85 00:05:06,758 --> 00:05:09,156 And then the coroner has to come in, and he backtracks, 86 00:05:09,158 --> 00:05:12,490 and he realizes what I was watching when I died! 87 00:05:12,492 --> 00:05:14,725 "This was no murder, Sam!" 88 00:05:23,458 --> 00:05:26,892 He was masturbating watching women with male genitals! 89 00:05:31,892 --> 00:05:33,223 You know, it's been kind 90 00:05:33,225 --> 00:05:35,190 of a sad time for comedy, let's be real honest! 91 00:05:35,192 --> 00:05:37,756 I mean, with our iconic comic heroes, 92 00:05:37,758 --> 00:05:40,056 this horrible thing about Cosby, 93 00:05:40,058 --> 00:05:41,490 you had Robin Williams die, 94 00:05:41,492 --> 00:05:43,290 you had Joan Rivers die. 95 00:05:43,292 --> 00:05:44,690 And it's always interesting to me when something 96 00:05:44,692 --> 00:05:46,323 very sad like that happens, 97 00:05:46,325 --> 00:05:48,123 the way people react. 98 00:05:48,125 --> 00:05:49,690 And inevitably, 99 00:05:49,692 --> 00:05:52,790 there are people who just have to make it about themselves. 100 00:05:52,792 --> 00:05:54,890 And the day after Robin Williams died, 101 00:05:54,892 --> 00:05:57,056 I was out, and there were three women talking. 102 00:05:57,058 --> 00:05:58,823 And they were being very nice. 103 00:05:58,825 --> 00:06:01,123 But the one woman was just making it about her. 104 00:06:01,125 --> 00:06:02,990 And I really wanted to smash her face! 105 00:06:02,992 --> 00:06:05,690 She's a big giant lady, 106 00:06:05,692 --> 00:06:07,490 and she had, like, a big, wide-brimmed hat. 107 00:06:07,492 --> 00:06:10,292 She looked like Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau! 108 00:06:12,558 --> 00:06:15,223 And she was just one of these "it's all about me" people. 109 00:06:15,225 --> 00:06:17,756 She said to her two friends, she goes, "Oh, my God, 110 00:06:17,758 --> 00:06:19,756 it was so terrible that he did that! 111 00:06:19,758 --> 00:06:22,392 Do you know, he and I had the same birthday?" 112 00:06:24,058 --> 00:06:24,956 And I wanted 113 00:06:24,958 --> 00:06:25,856 to ask her, "Where do you expect 114 00:06:25,858 --> 00:06:27,690 this discussion to go?" 115 00:06:27,692 --> 00:06:29,190 Like, do people hear that, 116 00:06:29,192 --> 00:06:30,490 and they're supposed to go, "Oh, my God! 117 00:06:30,492 --> 00:06:31,956 I mean, for us, it's going to be hard. 118 00:06:31,958 --> 00:06:34,290 But how are YOU going to get through this? 119 00:06:34,292 --> 00:06:36,023 Oh, once a year, 120 00:06:36,025 --> 00:06:39,390 you blow the candles out, oh, how terrible!" 121 00:06:39,392 --> 00:06:40,690 And then she's naming his movies, 122 00:06:40,692 --> 00:06:42,190 but she's getting them all wrong. 123 00:06:42,192 --> 00:06:45,923 She's, like, "Oh, and he was so good in Good Hunting, 124 00:06:45,925 --> 00:06:50,123 and oh, in Doubtfire, he was so amazing! 125 00:06:50,125 --> 00:06:52,390 He was top of the tops!" 126 00:06:52,392 --> 00:06:53,456 And when she said he was 127 00:06:53,458 --> 00:06:54,690 "top of the tops," 128 00:06:54,692 --> 00:06:56,256 I really started to think, 129 00:06:56,258 --> 00:07:00,792 all right, how much time would I get if I bit her face? 130 00:07:02,992 --> 00:07:04,556 Like, is there a way to bite her face, and then just 131 00:07:04,558 --> 00:07:06,556 tell the judge, "Your Honor, she said, 'top of the tops,' 132 00:07:06,558 --> 00:07:08,523 I just saw Cape Fear! 133 00:07:08,525 --> 00:07:09,556 I got you now, 134 00:07:09,558 --> 00:07:11,192 bitch!" 135 00:07:14,492 --> 00:07:15,756 And Joan Rivers sucked, 136 00:07:15,758 --> 00:07:17,456 because it was just so sad for all of us, 137 00:07:17,458 --> 00:07:18,790 because it was just so sudden, 138 00:07:18,792 --> 00:07:20,523 you know, and kind of avoidable. 139 00:07:20,525 --> 00:07:22,023 But I guess for her, it's great, 140 00:07:22,025 --> 00:07:23,756 because that's the way you want to die. 141 00:07:23,758 --> 00:07:25,156 I want to die like Joan Rivers. 142 00:07:25,158 --> 00:07:28,756 I don't want a long, drawn-out death, and tributes. 143 00:07:28,758 --> 00:07:31,123 One minute you're here, the next minute you're gone. 144 00:07:31,125 --> 00:07:32,490 You don't some, you know, 145 00:07:32,492 --> 00:07:35,223 terrible sad notes to be written to your family. 146 00:07:35,225 --> 00:07:36,856 You want your last thought to be, like, "Wow, 147 00:07:36,858 --> 00:07:38,190 that nurse has weird nipples!" 148 00:07:38,192 --> 00:07:41,725 Gaaahhhhhhhhh! 149 00:07:46,892 --> 00:07:49,690 Joan Rivers was so under-rated as a comedian, 150 00:07:49,692 --> 00:07:52,556 she really, I think, is the most under-rated comic of all time. 151 00:07:52,558 --> 00:07:53,690 Because whenever we talk about, like, 152 00:07:53,692 --> 00:07:55,323 the top five or top ten greats, 153 00:07:55,325 --> 00:07:57,690 you always hear, like, Richard Pryor, George Carlin, 154 00:07:57,692 --> 00:07:58,956 or Cosby, or Lennie Bruce. 155 00:07:58,958 --> 00:08:01,123 You never hear Joan's name mentioned. 156 00:08:01,125 --> 00:08:03,190 And I think she was the most brutal... 157 00:08:03,192 --> 00:08:04,823 and I say that with affection... 158 00:08:04,825 --> 00:08:07,190 the most brutal comic I ever saw perform! 159 00:08:07,192 --> 00:08:08,756 She made fun of AIDS, 160 00:08:08,758 --> 00:08:10,523 she made fun of 9-11, I mean, 161 00:08:10,525 --> 00:08:13,392 recently she called Michelle Obama a "trannie!" 162 00:08:16,125 --> 00:08:18,192 I'd be scared to text that to somebody! 163 00:08:20,858 --> 00:08:23,056 And when they asked her about it, expecting an apology, 164 00:08:23,058 --> 00:08:23,856 like, "Why did you say that?" She's, 165 00:08:23,858 --> 00:08:25,558 like, "Oh! Look at her!" 166 00:08:28,158 --> 00:08:29,823 Joan Rivers was wonderful! 167 00:08:29,825 --> 00:08:32,458 I would have eaten her pussy 10 minutes after she died! 168 00:08:33,758 --> 00:08:36,192 God bless Joan Rivers! 169 00:08:43,192 --> 00:08:44,990 Because she never gave them what they wanted! 170 00:08:44,992 --> 00:08:46,523 She never said she was sorry. 171 00:08:46,525 --> 00:08:49,223 She was more fearless than any comic, she really was. 172 00:08:49,225 --> 00:08:51,356 Because they were always trying to get her to apologize! 173 00:08:51,358 --> 00:08:53,490 And in this era, man, that's what they do! 174 00:08:53,492 --> 00:08:55,223 They catch you saying something, 175 00:08:55,225 --> 00:08:57,690 and they hound you until you say you're sorry. 176 00:08:57,692 --> 00:08:59,223 And it seems like contextually, 177 00:08:59,225 --> 00:09:01,023 it doesn't matter what the situation is. 178 00:09:01,025 --> 00:09:02,956 Like, look what happened to Jonah Hill. 179 00:09:02,958 --> 00:09:05,090 Jonah's a nice guy, he's not a homophobe. 180 00:09:05,092 --> 00:09:06,923 He's being stalked by the Paparazzi, 181 00:09:06,925 --> 00:09:08,423 the guy's hassling him, 182 00:09:08,425 --> 00:09:12,756 and in one stupid moment, Jonah Hill uses an anti-gay slur, 183 00:09:12,758 --> 00:09:13,756 and they come right after him. 184 00:09:13,758 --> 00:09:15,356 "He's a homophobe!" 185 00:09:15,358 --> 00:09:16,790 And he wasn't. 186 00:09:16,792 --> 00:09:18,423 The guy was all over him, and Jonah Hill just kind of, 187 00:09:18,425 --> 00:09:20,290 like, "Suck my dick, faggot!" 188 00:09:20,292 --> 00:09:21,756 Like, all right, that's not a nice thing 189 00:09:21,758 --> 00:09:24,223 to say if you yell it at a guy 190 00:09:24,225 --> 00:09:26,292 because he's taking too long making your cappuccino. 191 00:09:27,592 --> 00:09:30,056 Fair enough. You owe an apology if you're in Starbuck's, 192 00:09:30,058 --> 00:09:31,423 and you're, like, "Suck my dick, faggot!" 193 00:09:42,892 --> 00:09:44,290 But it seems like we're now 194 00:09:44,292 --> 00:09:46,323 judged out of what we say and not what we do, 195 00:09:46,325 --> 00:09:48,756 because nobody penalizes the Paparazzi! 196 00:09:48,758 --> 00:09:51,056 As a kid, you were always taught what you say is irrelevant, 197 00:09:51,058 --> 00:09:52,790 your actions are all that matters. 198 00:09:52,792 --> 00:09:53,990 And now we've turned upside down, 199 00:09:53,992 --> 00:09:55,556 and we're just the opposite way. 200 00:09:55,558 --> 00:09:57,856 Look at one of my closest friends, Anthony Cumia. 201 00:09:57,858 --> 00:09:59,558 Look what happened to Anthony Cumia! 202 00:10:13,492 --> 00:10:15,490 And you all know Anthony. 203 00:10:15,492 --> 00:10:17,356 For many, many years, you know, 204 00:10:17,358 --> 00:10:20,490 the show was the Opie and Anthony Show that I was on, 205 00:10:20,492 --> 00:10:25,025 and Anthony, look, comic genius, bit of a volatile personality! 206 00:10:30,725 --> 00:10:33,323 But, what happened, if anybody's not familiar with it, 207 00:10:33,325 --> 00:10:34,790 the reason I'm talking about it 208 00:10:34,792 --> 00:10:38,156 is because Anthony was assaulted in Times Square one night. 209 00:10:38,158 --> 00:10:40,156 He was punched in the face by a black woman, 210 00:10:40,158 --> 00:10:41,790 and he went on Twitter and said some racially 211 00:10:41,792 --> 00:10:43,523 insensitive things. 212 00:10:43,525 --> 00:10:45,790 And people thought she might have been a hooker, 213 00:10:45,792 --> 00:10:48,123 but I don't know if you saw a photo that he tweeted of her, 214 00:10:48,125 --> 00:10:51,656 she was NOT a hooker. 215 00:10:51,658 --> 00:10:54,325 She looked like the boat captain in Apocalypse Now! 216 00:10:59,958 --> 00:11:01,556 And Anthony had this camera, 217 00:11:01,558 --> 00:11:03,523 a lot of people thought maybe he was being creepy. 218 00:11:03,525 --> 00:11:06,156 He had this camera for about a year in studio, 219 00:11:06,158 --> 00:11:07,823 and he had become obsessed with photography. 220 00:11:07,825 --> 00:11:09,756 He was photographing everything. 221 00:11:09,758 --> 00:11:11,490 And that's just what happens when you hit 50, 222 00:11:11,492 --> 00:11:13,192 and you have no love, or children. 223 00:11:14,892 --> 00:11:16,756 You photograph things, just so you have something 224 00:11:16,758 --> 00:11:19,123 to show people when they come to the house, 225 00:11:19,125 --> 00:11:21,858 other than empty beer cans and Xanax prescriptions! 226 00:11:24,858 --> 00:11:27,290 And I'm not knocking Anthony, I'm 46, 227 00:11:27,292 --> 00:11:28,456 and I'm eyeing up cameras. 228 00:11:28,458 --> 00:11:30,225 I'm right behind him! 229 00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:33,323 But he photographed... 230 00:11:33,325 --> 00:11:34,690 this black woman was walking, 231 00:11:34,692 --> 00:11:36,456 and she was in the photo. 232 00:11:36,458 --> 00:11:38,756 And I guess she might have thought he was being creepy. 233 00:11:38,758 --> 00:11:40,756 I don't know what her situation was. 234 00:11:40,758 --> 00:11:43,556 But she came back, and she's, like, "You white mother fucker!" 235 00:11:43,558 --> 00:11:44,956 And she belted him in the face 236 00:11:44,958 --> 00:11:46,590 about 10 times! 237 00:11:46,592 --> 00:11:48,923 And Anthony didn't hit her back. 238 00:11:48,925 --> 00:11:51,323 He went home, and I guess he thawed out, 239 00:11:51,325 --> 00:11:53,956 like, sometimes an assault, you thaw out after a little while. 240 00:11:53,958 --> 00:11:55,290 And he went on Twitter, 241 00:11:55,292 --> 00:11:57,456 and, you know, he kind of went on a rampage. 242 00:11:57,458 --> 00:12:01,123 And he said some shit that I wish he would have rephrased. 243 00:12:01,125 --> 00:12:02,856 Like, I wish he would have called me first 244 00:12:02,858 --> 00:12:03,823 and run them by me, I would have been, like, 245 00:12:03,825 --> 00:12:05,223 "That's fine, that's fine, no! 246 00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:06,690 That's fine, that's fine, no! 247 00:12:06,692 --> 00:12:08,858 No, no, no, no! Put that one there, trust me!" 248 00:12:10,992 --> 00:12:12,390 But they fired him, 249 00:12:12,392 --> 00:12:14,523 and it was so horrible that they fired him! 250 00:12:14,525 --> 00:12:15,956 First, and most importantly, 251 00:12:15,958 --> 00:12:18,290 they robbed me of the opportunity 252 00:12:18,292 --> 00:12:21,023 to tease my friend by getting his ass kicked by Madea. 253 00:12:21,025 --> 00:12:22,458 Do you have any idea... 254 00:12:24,292 --> 00:12:27,156 forever I could have made fun of him! 255 00:12:27,158 --> 00:12:29,290 Every day, I would have walked in and held up a picture 256 00:12:29,292 --> 00:12:31,690 of a different black woman! 257 00:12:31,692 --> 00:12:32,956 Oprah Winfrey, "Duck, Anthony! 258 00:12:32,958 --> 00:12:34,492 Careful!" 259 00:12:40,692 --> 00:12:42,323 And, you know, the problem was, 260 00:12:42,325 --> 00:12:43,856 the press just ran with it. 261 00:12:43,858 --> 00:12:45,156 And they were so predictable. 262 00:12:45,158 --> 00:12:47,090 They always take the easy narrative. 263 00:12:47,092 --> 00:12:48,690 Like, I wish for once, 264 00:12:48,692 --> 00:12:50,823 they would really just go the extra mile 265 00:12:50,825 --> 00:12:52,756 and take the proper angle on it, because, you know, 266 00:12:52,758 --> 00:12:53,890 the big story is, "Shock 267 00:12:53,892 --> 00:12:56,756 jock says inappropriate things!" 268 00:12:56,758 --> 00:12:58,490 How about the story being, 269 00:12:58,492 --> 00:13:00,523 "Shock jock is assaulted, 270 00:13:00,525 --> 00:13:02,290 but reacts non-violently." 271 00:13:02,292 --> 00:13:06,123 Why wasn't the non-violent reaction part of the story? 272 00:13:06,125 --> 00:13:13,690 You don't have to like what Anthony said. 273 00:13:13,692 --> 00:13:15,290 You don't have to agree with what he said. 274 00:13:15,292 --> 00:13:17,356 But you do have to respect the fact that he didn't punch 275 00:13:17,358 --> 00:13:18,856 this woman in the face, 276 00:13:18,858 --> 00:13:22,156 nor did he pull out the gun that he has on him at all times! 277 00:13:22,158 --> 00:13:23,190 And he shouldn't have. 278 00:13:23,192 --> 00:13:24,390 He shouldn't have pulled his gun. 279 00:13:24,392 --> 00:13:26,156 But he didn't. 280 00:13:26,158 --> 00:13:29,456 And Anthony's one of those guys who's armed all the time, like, 281 00:13:29,458 --> 00:13:30,990 I've been at his house 3:00 in the morning, 282 00:13:30,992 --> 00:13:34,390 he'll be in his underpants with just a gun. 283 00:13:34,392 --> 00:13:36,023 If you look through the window, you'd think he was either, 284 00:13:36,025 --> 00:13:37,856 like, a tall six-year-old playing sheriff, 285 00:13:37,858 --> 00:13:40,192 or a man who's mentally ill! 286 00:13:46,758 --> 00:13:49,756 I have been in his Jacuzzi with him at 3:00 in the morning, 287 00:13:49,758 --> 00:13:51,625 just me and him... as friends... 288 00:13:53,992 --> 00:13:57,290 and he has a gun within arm's distance, 289 00:13:57,292 --> 00:13:59,290 outside of the Jacuzzi. 290 00:13:59,292 --> 00:14:00,756 And at one point I said to him, like, "Dude, 291 00:14:00,758 --> 00:14:04,290 is something going to happen here that I'm not aware? 292 00:14:04,292 --> 00:14:05,690 Like, you know, are you going to all of a sudden point 293 00:14:05,692 --> 00:14:07,356 that at me?" And, 294 00:14:07,358 --> 00:14:09,223 I'm, like... 295 00:14:09,225 --> 00:14:17,356 My head's going to pop out of the water, 296 00:14:17,358 --> 00:14:18,890 I'm going to hear the Cosby theme song 297 00:14:18,892 --> 00:14:20,458 coming out of the house? 298 00:14:24,692 --> 00:14:26,156 Because I do think the fact 299 00:14:26,158 --> 00:14:28,490 that he behaved responsibly as a gun owner is worth noting. 300 00:14:28,492 --> 00:14:30,190 Because I'm telling you very honestly, 301 00:14:30,192 --> 00:14:33,956 if I had a gun, that woman would have gotten shot! 302 00:14:33,958 --> 00:14:35,890 But not out of being a tough guy, 303 00:14:35,892 --> 00:14:37,956 or being angry, I would have panicked, 304 00:14:37,958 --> 00:14:40,356 because I can't fight for shit! 305 00:14:40,358 --> 00:14:42,756 And any woman that walks up to a guy at 3:00 in the morning 306 00:14:42,758 --> 00:14:43,790 and goes, "You white mother fucker," 307 00:14:43,792 --> 00:14:45,690 and punches him probably 308 00:14:45,692 --> 00:14:47,323 could kick the shit out of me! 309 00:14:47,325 --> 00:14:49,423 So I guarantee you, if she hit me once, 310 00:14:49,425 --> 00:14:51,056 I would have pointed the gun at her in a panic, 311 00:14:51,058 --> 00:14:52,823 "Get away from me, madam!" 312 00:14:52,825 --> 00:14:55,058 And I would have shot her 30 to 40 times! 313 00:14:56,958 --> 00:14:58,723 And putting it away, I would have panicked, 314 00:14:58,725 --> 00:15:01,492 and shot myself, like Plaxico Burress! 315 00:15:03,192 --> 00:15:04,690 Then I would have went home on Twitter 316 00:15:04,692 --> 00:15:06,625 and blamed the Puerto Ricans! 317 00:15:09,392 --> 00:15:11,756 You know, gun ownership's a big responsibility. 318 00:15:11,758 --> 00:15:13,823 Like, I don't think I'm the right mentality to have one. 319 00:15:13,825 --> 00:15:15,323 Like, I've been dying to get one. 320 00:15:15,325 --> 00:15:17,290 And it's not even to shoot people, I just 321 00:15:17,292 --> 00:15:20,190 want one for those annoying day to day interactions, 322 00:15:20,192 --> 00:15:26,192 like... do you ever go to return an item with no receipt? 323 00:15:27,692 --> 00:15:30,523 How great would a gun be at those moments? 324 00:15:30,525 --> 00:15:32,490 You don't have to brandish it, just quietly 325 00:15:32,492 --> 00:15:34,890 put it on the counter. 326 00:15:34,892 --> 00:15:36,023 "Do you have a receipt?" 327 00:15:36,025 --> 00:15:38,192 I don't know, do I? 328 00:15:49,592 --> 00:15:51,690 And the thing you got to be careful about is, 329 00:15:51,692 --> 00:15:52,790 you never know who's armed. 330 00:15:52,792 --> 00:15:54,290 Like, Anthony behaved responsibly. 331 00:15:54,292 --> 00:15:55,556 But not everybody does. 332 00:15:55,558 --> 00:15:56,923 There was a guy in Florida shot 333 00:15:56,925 --> 00:15:59,756 and killed for texting in a movie theater! 334 00:15:59,758 --> 00:16:01,323 Now, obviously, you hear that, 335 00:16:01,325 --> 00:16:02,692 you have mixed feelings... 336 00:16:06,025 --> 00:16:07,223 That's one of those stories you hear, you're like, oh! 337 00:16:07,225 --> 00:16:09,325 Ahhh... 338 00:16:13,225 --> 00:16:16,156 And the guy who got shot was in his 30s, and the guy 339 00:16:16,158 --> 00:16:19,990 who killed him was a 71-year-old retired police captain. 340 00:16:19,992 --> 00:16:22,523 You can't find a crankier human being 341 00:16:22,525 --> 00:16:24,223 than a 71-year-old... 342 00:16:24,225 --> 00:16:26,292 "I got all you guinea hoods locked up!" 343 00:16:29,458 --> 00:16:31,690 And I'm not saying the young guy deserved to get shot, 344 00:16:31,692 --> 00:16:33,690 but I think he read the situation wrong, 345 00:16:33,692 --> 00:16:35,290 because they started to argue, 346 00:16:35,292 --> 00:16:36,856 and it got very, very heated. 347 00:16:36,858 --> 00:16:38,356 Now, first of all, in fairness to the old guy, 348 00:16:38,358 --> 00:16:39,990 old people sucked with technology. 349 00:16:39,992 --> 00:16:42,323 He probably had no idea, he saw the glow of the cellphone, 350 00:16:42,325 --> 00:16:43,956 and, "The man's got plutonium!" 351 00:16:43,958 --> 00:16:46,492 And panicked, and shot his pants! 352 00:16:50,092 --> 00:16:51,556 But they started arguing, 353 00:16:51,558 --> 00:16:54,456 and it got very heated, then the old guy shot him. 354 00:16:54,458 --> 00:16:55,990 If you're in your 30s, 355 00:16:55,992 --> 00:16:59,023 and you're having a really nasty argument with a very old man, 356 00:16:59,025 --> 00:17:00,890 and the old man's not backing off, 357 00:17:00,892 --> 00:17:03,523 find out what he used to do for a living! 358 00:17:03,525 --> 00:17:05,523 Because there's a reason he's not backing off! 359 00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:07,323 So, at one point, just go, like, "What did you used to do?" 360 00:17:07,325 --> 00:17:08,690 And if he's, like, "I was a baker!" 361 00:17:08,692 --> 00:17:10,392 Then kick the shit out of him! 362 00:17:13,458 --> 00:17:14,990 But if he says, "I was a police officer!" Say, 363 00:17:14,992 --> 00:17:17,558 "Thank you for your service!" 364 00:17:25,792 --> 00:17:27,990 And another thing that should have tipped the young guy 365 00:17:27,992 --> 00:17:29,456 off is, they were both there with their wives. 366 00:17:29,458 --> 00:17:31,956 You don't argue with a man who's that old 367 00:17:31,958 --> 00:17:33,123 if he's with his wife, 368 00:17:33,125 --> 00:17:35,856 because that guy's been married a long time, 369 00:17:35,858 --> 00:17:38,192 he's looking for a way out! 370 00:17:39,458 --> 00:17:42,456 Shooting you does not represent dying alone in prison; 371 00:17:42,458 --> 00:17:47,058 it represents a 30-year vacation with better food and more sex! 372 00:17:54,792 --> 00:17:56,890 I'll tell you what really scares me, though. 373 00:17:56,892 --> 00:17:58,823 It's not necessarily the random shootings, 374 00:17:58,825 --> 00:18:00,356 because those are very rare, 375 00:18:00,358 --> 00:18:02,756 and you can't live life being afraid of that. 376 00:18:02,758 --> 00:18:04,956 It's the workplace shootings, because those 377 00:18:04,958 --> 00:18:06,290 do not feel random. 378 00:18:06,292 --> 00:18:08,223 You always see those coming. 379 00:18:08,225 --> 00:18:11,056 So, there's, like, an anticipation before it happens. 380 00:18:11,058 --> 00:18:14,456 Because it's always that one fucking nut on the job, 381 00:18:14,458 --> 00:18:17,190 you know what I mean, who slowly descends into being crazy. 382 00:18:17,192 --> 00:18:20,123 Because no one goes on a rampage the day they get hired. 383 00:18:20,125 --> 00:18:21,690 You know, it's never, like, "Welcome aboard! 384 00:18:21,692 --> 00:18:23,390 Let me show you where the break room is." "I'll never need it!" 385 00:18:23,392 --> 00:18:28,356 You know. Oh! By the way, 386 00:18:28,358 --> 00:18:30,456 was that the worst impression ever of pulling a gun? 387 00:18:30,458 --> 00:18:31,992 Who the fuck draws, like... 388 00:18:33,225 --> 00:18:35,756 If I ever wonder why I don't get acting work, remind me of, 389 00:18:35,758 --> 00:18:37,690 you know, "All right, Jim, you're a bank robber," okay, 390 00:18:37,692 --> 00:18:40,690 "Give me your money, see?" Cut! 391 00:18:40,692 --> 00:18:42,192 What the fuck are you doing?" 392 00:18:47,058 --> 00:18:48,790 It's always one of those guys 393 00:18:48,792 --> 00:18:50,823 that people start talking about for a month, 394 00:18:50,825 --> 00:18:53,956 like, "I think there's something wrong with Bill! 395 00:18:53,958 --> 00:18:56,292 "What do you mean?" He holds his pen like this! 396 00:18:58,392 --> 00:19:03,756 He writes, 'JEWS' in capital letters... 397 00:19:03,758 --> 00:19:05,790 "And you watch those post-shooting interviews, 398 00:19:05,792 --> 00:19:08,756 they're never shocked by who the shooter is!" 399 00:19:08,758 --> 00:19:10,090 Were you surprised Bill 400 00:19:10,092 --> 00:19:12,058 went on a rampage? "Oh, no, not at all! 401 00:19:13,192 --> 00:19:14,123 We knew Bill was going 402 00:19:14,125 --> 00:19:15,692 to kill all of us! 403 00:19:16,858 --> 00:19:18,056 "How did you know?" Well, 404 00:19:18,058 --> 00:19:20,756 he'd say, 'I'm going to kill all of you!' 405 00:19:20,758 --> 00:19:22,056 And then he'd spit in our food 406 00:19:22,058 --> 00:19:24,123 and walk out of the break room! 407 00:19:24,125 --> 00:19:25,456 We tried to have him fired, 408 00:19:25,458 --> 00:19:26,756 but he's one quarter Native American. 409 00:19:26,758 --> 00:19:28,758 It was a Human Resources issue!" 410 00:19:32,758 --> 00:19:34,290 But it's so interesting to me 411 00:19:34,292 --> 00:19:35,590 too, because I think by this point in your life, 412 00:19:35,592 --> 00:19:37,223 you know, what a gunshot sounds like. 413 00:19:37,225 --> 00:19:39,056 We've all heard them or seen them in the movies 414 00:19:39,058 --> 00:19:40,590 or on television, and yet, 415 00:19:40,592 --> 00:19:43,423 they never think that's what it is the day of the shooting. 416 00:19:43,425 --> 00:19:45,556 I don't know what it is, but the interviews are always the same. 417 00:19:45,558 --> 00:19:47,323 It's, like, "Well, I was at my desk, 418 00:19:47,325 --> 00:19:48,956 and I heard, pop pop pop, 419 00:19:48,958 --> 00:19:51,990 pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop! 420 00:19:51,992 --> 00:19:54,192 And I thought it was firecrackers! 421 00:19:55,825 --> 00:19:58,223 So, I went out into the hallway, 422 00:19:58,225 --> 00:20:00,025 and it was Bill. 423 00:20:01,558 --> 00:20:03,390 And he was wearing Army fatigues, 424 00:20:03,392 --> 00:20:07,125 which I thought was odd, because he's an attorney. 425 00:20:08,825 --> 00:20:10,890 And he was pointing something at people 426 00:20:10,892 --> 00:20:14,158 who were sleeping on the floor, with cranberry sauce on them! 427 00:20:16,158 --> 00:20:22,790 I said, 'Bill, what are you doing, Bill?'" 428 00:20:22,792 --> 00:20:24,190 Like, I understand you're in shock, 429 00:20:24,192 --> 00:20:26,890 but Jesus, fucking firecrackers? 430 00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:28,223 When was the last time you had your workday 431 00:20:28,225 --> 00:20:30,990 disrupted by fireworks? 432 00:20:30,992 --> 00:20:32,956 We saw that story on the news, 433 00:20:32,958 --> 00:20:34,356 it was, like, "Well, I was at my desk, and I heard, 434 00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:36,223 pop, pop, pop, pop, pop!" "What happened?" 435 00:20:36,225 --> 00:20:38,158 "Edna turned 75! 436 00:20:40,958 --> 00:20:43,223 We threw firecrackers into the office, 437 00:20:43,225 --> 00:20:46,590 and she screamed because she broke her femur, 438 00:20:46,592 --> 00:20:48,425 jumping up in happiness!" 439 00:20:49,558 --> 00:20:50,923 "What was all the, 'Help, 440 00:20:50,925 --> 00:20:52,556 help'?"Oh, nothing, 441 00:20:52,558 --> 00:20:54,892 we're just going to teabag her until the ambulance gets here!" 442 00:21:04,958 --> 00:21:07,023 But you sense that kind of stuff off people. 443 00:21:07,025 --> 00:21:09,123 And we're taught to ignore that, 444 00:21:09,125 --> 00:21:12,056 because it's not social polite to prejudge people. 445 00:21:12,058 --> 00:21:14,490 But I think that we all connect on some weird level 446 00:21:14,492 --> 00:21:15,990 that's inexplicable. 447 00:21:15,992 --> 00:21:17,990 Like, I had a weird moment when I was in 448 00:21:17,992 --> 00:21:20,223 Washington, D.C. recently, in my hotel. 449 00:21:20,225 --> 00:21:22,190 And this is not, like, an ominous or threatening thing, 450 00:21:22,192 --> 00:21:25,456 it was just a weird, connecting, uncomfortable moment. 451 00:21:25,458 --> 00:21:27,490 I was in the elevator with three other guys, 452 00:21:27,492 --> 00:21:29,156 and we were all strangers to each other, 453 00:21:29,158 --> 00:21:30,790 four total strangers. 454 00:21:30,792 --> 00:21:32,356 And a woman steps on the elevator, 455 00:21:32,358 --> 00:21:34,056 before the doors close. 456 00:21:34,058 --> 00:21:35,756 And she starts to talk to one of the guys. 457 00:21:35,758 --> 00:21:37,490 And she goes, "Hey, I just started working here, 458 00:21:37,492 --> 00:21:40,356 is there anything I can do to make your stay better?" 459 00:21:40,358 --> 00:21:41,890 And when she said that, 460 00:21:41,892 --> 00:21:44,556 of course, I had a couple of things come to... 461 00:21:44,558 --> 00:21:46,790 you know, but I figure it was just too awkward to blurt out. 462 00:21:46,792 --> 00:21:48,392 "You could eat my ass," you know, I just figured that's... 463 00:21:49,692 --> 00:21:50,490 because if that doesn't get a laugh, 464 00:21:50,492 --> 00:21:52,690 that's an ugly elevator ride! 465 00:21:52,692 --> 00:21:54,558 "What?" Oh, I was just... 466 00:21:57,858 --> 00:21:59,156 "So, nobody said anything. 467 00:21:59,158 --> 00:22:01,156 And she got off about three floors later. 468 00:22:01,158 --> 00:22:02,890 And then there was an uncomfortable silence 469 00:22:02,892 --> 00:22:05,756 between the four of us guys that were remaining. 470 00:22:05,758 --> 00:22:07,856 And one guy finally couldn't hold it in. 471 00:22:07,858 --> 00:22:09,856 And he just blurts out, he goes, 472 00:22:09,858 --> 00:22:11,290 "Damn, there was a few things I 473 00:22:11,292 --> 00:22:13,756 wanted to tell her she could do to make my stay better!" 474 00:22:13,758 --> 00:22:15,490 And the other two guys 475 00:22:15,492 --> 00:22:16,823 were, like, "Yeah, I was thinking the same thing!" 476 00:22:16,825 --> 00:22:19,823 And then finally, pussy-boy, Jim goes, "Yeah, me too, guys! 477 00:22:19,825 --> 00:22:22,690 I was thinking the same thing!" 478 00:22:22,692 --> 00:22:24,290 But then, I just kind of creeped 479 00:22:24,292 --> 00:22:26,492 everybody out, "She could have eaten all our asses, right guys? 480 00:22:28,392 --> 00:22:29,992 And then we could have killed her, huh?" 481 00:22:36,692 --> 00:22:38,690 Now, that's not an ominous or scary thing, 482 00:22:38,692 --> 00:22:40,356 but the interesting thing 483 00:22:40,358 --> 00:22:45,056 to me was that four absolute strangers, independently, 484 00:22:45,058 --> 00:22:48,423 came to the exact same wrong conclusion! 485 00:22:48,425 --> 00:22:49,923 Because she was not being flirtatious, 486 00:22:49,925 --> 00:22:52,423 she wasn't being sexual, she was dressed, 487 00:22:52,425 --> 00:22:53,590 you know, very professionally. 488 00:22:53,592 --> 00:22:55,090 Just trying to be nice. 489 00:22:55,092 --> 00:22:56,156 "Is there anything I can do to help..." 490 00:22:56,158 --> 00:22:58,223 We're all, like, "Yeah... 491 00:22:58,225 --> 00:22:59,825 grrrrr!" 492 00:23:04,358 --> 00:23:07,556 Now, you probably attribute that to collective male immaturity. 493 00:23:07,558 --> 00:23:09,856 I think that's male immaturity, to be very honest with you. 494 00:23:09,858 --> 00:23:11,890 Because from my hotel window, 495 00:23:11,892 --> 00:23:13,490 I could see the Washington Monument. 496 00:23:13,492 --> 00:23:16,523 I spent an hour staring at the Washington Monument 497 00:23:16,525 --> 00:23:18,458 holding up two apples, 498 00:23:20,758 --> 00:23:22,992 trying to snap a photo... 499 00:23:32,558 --> 00:23:35,823 Because to every guy I know, me licking a 500-foot dick 500 00:23:35,825 --> 00:23:37,392 is hilarious! 501 00:23:40,825 --> 00:23:44,756 It's a really weird time for us culturally, isn't it? 502 00:23:44,758 --> 00:23:47,256 It just seems like we're kind of adjusting 503 00:23:47,258 --> 00:23:50,290 to all the new technology and the instant communication. 504 00:23:50,292 --> 00:23:53,156 And as a result of that, a lot of us are getting in trouble. 505 00:23:53,158 --> 00:23:54,556 And you know, it's not even for things like, 506 00:23:54,558 --> 00:23:55,923 Jonah Hill had the outburst, 507 00:23:55,925 --> 00:23:57,323 or Anthony for what he said on Twitter. 508 00:23:57,325 --> 00:23:58,356 People are getting in trouble for what 509 00:23:58,358 --> 00:23:59,956 they said a long time ago! 510 00:23:59,958 --> 00:24:01,356 I mean, look at Paula Deen, 511 00:24:01,358 --> 00:24:03,690 and her... and by the way, the Paula Deen outrage, 512 00:24:03,692 --> 00:24:04,890 you've got to be very careful, 513 00:24:04,892 --> 00:24:07,823 because talking about race gets people in trouble. 514 00:24:07,825 --> 00:24:10,292 Talking about race gets white people in trouble. 515 00:24:20,758 --> 00:24:23,023 And by the way, that's not black people's fault, 516 00:24:23,025 --> 00:24:24,856 that's white people's fault. 517 00:24:24,858 --> 00:24:26,390 Because, you know, most white people... 518 00:24:26,392 --> 00:24:27,690 I can't say all white people... 519 00:24:27,692 --> 00:24:28,523 but a lot of white people, 520 00:24:28,525 --> 00:24:29,690 whey they deal with race, 521 00:24:29,692 --> 00:24:30,690 they don't deal with race. 522 00:24:30,692 --> 00:24:32,523 Their idea of addressing racism 523 00:24:32,525 --> 00:24:34,990 is just finding other white people to throw under the bus 524 00:24:34,992 --> 00:24:37,223 so they don't look particularly bad. 525 00:24:37,225 --> 00:24:39,823 Because black people didn't give a shit about Paula Deen. 526 00:24:39,825 --> 00:24:41,690 That was a bunch of fake white people 527 00:24:41,692 --> 00:24:46,458 going, "Could you believe she said the 'n' word?" Yes! 528 00:24:47,925 --> 00:24:50,292 She's almost 70, from Georgia! 529 00:24:52,325 --> 00:24:55,425 I'm impressed she doesn't have it tattooed on her knuckles! 530 00:25:02,292 --> 00:25:04,223 Because all white people want our black friends to know 531 00:25:04,225 --> 00:25:06,823 we're not racist, but it's an awkward conversation to have. 532 00:25:06,825 --> 00:25:09,156 You can't just walk up to your black friends for no reason 533 00:25:09,158 --> 00:25:12,192 and go, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, I don't say, 'nigger'! 534 00:25:20,192 --> 00:25:22,558 But I can show you someone who does!" 535 00:25:27,692 --> 00:25:29,690 And it was also, by the way, 536 00:25:29,692 --> 00:25:31,356 something she said 35 years ago. 537 00:25:31,358 --> 00:25:32,790 Thirty-five... 538 00:25:32,792 --> 00:25:34,690 that was embarrassing to me as an American. 539 00:25:34,692 --> 00:25:38,056 We're going to go into each other's pasts, 35 years, 540 00:25:38,058 --> 00:25:39,823 and find little things we... 541 00:25:39,825 --> 00:25:42,456 it's not like she was driving down the street now 542 00:25:42,458 --> 00:25:43,690 with a GoPro hooked up 543 00:25:43,692 --> 00:25:44,756 and a bullhorn, just yellowing, 544 00:25:44,758 --> 00:25:46,556 "Attention, you at the bus stop, 545 00:25:46,558 --> 00:25:48,192 with the matching hat and shoes," you know... 546 00:25:55,058 --> 00:25:57,056 And it was, like, it kind of made me cringe. 547 00:25:57,058 --> 00:25:59,556 I'm, like, are we really going to go over somebody's history? 548 00:25:59,558 --> 00:26:00,856 Can any of us withstand 549 00:26:00,858 --> 00:26:03,323 that scrutiny of having our whole lives opened up? 550 00:26:03,325 --> 00:26:05,190 Can anybody say we've never said anything racist? 551 00:26:05,192 --> 00:26:06,356 Like, not once? 552 00:26:06,358 --> 00:26:08,223 You know, you never got cut off by an Asian guy 553 00:26:08,225 --> 00:26:13,156 and said, "Of course!" Never? 554 00:26:13,158 --> 00:26:15,123 Like, you never saw a Jew picking up a penny 555 00:26:15,125 --> 00:26:18,025 and tried to sneak a photo with your iPhone really fast? 556 00:26:20,058 --> 00:26:21,356 Good luck, they're hard to get! 557 00:26:21,358 --> 00:26:24,990 They're very fast! You'll never get that one! 558 00:26:24,992 --> 00:26:27,356 You just got a sleeve, coming backwards, 559 00:26:27,358 --> 00:26:29,456 you know... 560 00:26:29,458 --> 00:26:30,756 But it annoyed me so much, 561 00:26:30,758 --> 00:26:32,156 because it was so fake. 562 00:26:32,158 --> 00:26:34,323 It was just a chance for people to use her 563 00:26:34,325 --> 00:26:37,456 to show everyone how wonderful and progressive they are. 564 00:26:37,458 --> 00:26:38,990 So, I was on Twitter. 565 00:26:38,992 --> 00:26:40,456 And I like Twitter, it's a great place 566 00:26:40,458 --> 00:26:42,192 to have a rational discussion. 567 00:26:43,892 --> 00:26:45,456 And I was making fun 568 00:26:45,458 --> 00:26:47,956 of all the fake outrage about Paula Deen. 569 00:26:47,958 --> 00:26:50,490 I also wanted to bash Paula Deen. I don't hate her. 570 00:26:50,492 --> 00:26:52,090 I thought she was great in Total Recall 571 00:26:52,092 --> 00:26:54,092 when her head came apart in the airport. 572 00:26:59,792 --> 00:27:01,390 But I don't particularly like her. 573 00:27:01,392 --> 00:27:02,956 So, at one point, 574 00:27:02,958 --> 00:27:05,023 after I made fun of all the fake outrage, 575 00:27:05,025 --> 00:27:07,223 I tweeted, "By the way, just for the record, 576 00:27:07,225 --> 00:27:12,290 I do think that Paula Deen is a fat, irritating cunt!" 577 00:27:12,292 --> 00:27:13,790 Now, I know that sounds really harsh, 578 00:27:13,792 --> 00:27:15,323 but I put a little winky face and a smile. 579 00:27:15,325 --> 00:27:17,192 It was cute! 580 00:27:19,125 --> 00:27:21,456 And you know, you can never give a shit if somebody gets upset, 581 00:27:21,458 --> 00:27:22,756 because no matter what you say publicly, 582 00:27:22,758 --> 00:27:23,956 there's always one person 583 00:27:23,958 --> 00:27:25,690 who wants to step in the line of fire 584 00:27:25,692 --> 00:27:27,123 on purpose, just to get upset, 585 00:27:27,125 --> 00:27:29,056 so they get a little attention for themselves. 586 00:27:29,058 --> 00:27:30,790 So, this big fat lady on Twitter 587 00:27:30,792 --> 00:27:33,756 gets mad at me because I used the word, "fat." 588 00:27:33,758 --> 00:27:34,990 She's, like, "Oh, Jim Norton"... 589 00:27:34,992 --> 00:27:36,690 it's, like, first of all, the word 590 00:27:36,692 --> 00:27:40,123 "fat" there was not meant to attack fat people at all. 591 00:27:40,125 --> 00:27:42,556 I was simply using the word "fat" 592 00:27:42,558 --> 00:27:45,490 as kind of a gateway insult to get to "cunt." 593 00:27:45,492 --> 00:27:47,923 That's all I was doing! 594 00:27:47,925 --> 00:27:49,990 "Cunt" is obviously the point, 595 00:27:49,992 --> 00:27:51,290 but you can't have "cunt" in the middle, 596 00:27:51,292 --> 00:27:53,223 because nothing follows it! 597 00:27:53,225 --> 00:27:54,923 "Cunt" has to be... 598 00:27:54,925 --> 00:27:57,056 "cunt" is not the single in the third inning, 599 00:27:57,058 --> 00:27:58,690 "cunt" is the walk-off home run 600 00:27:58,692 --> 00:28:00,192 in the bottom of the 11th! 601 00:28:06,058 --> 00:28:07,690 You know what you say after "cunt?" 602 00:28:07,692 --> 00:28:10,858 Ta daaa! That's what you say! 603 00:28:13,892 --> 00:28:16,756 So, this woman gets really mad at me, and she @-mentions me, 604 00:28:16,758 --> 00:28:19,556 and she goes, "Oh, now Jim Norton is fat-shaming!" 605 00:28:19,558 --> 00:28:22,490 Unfollow! 606 00:28:22,492 --> 00:28:26,890 Oh! First of all, are you sure you're not unfollowing me 607 00:28:26,892 --> 00:28:29,025 because I'm walking quickly? 608 00:28:32,525 --> 00:28:34,990 And second of all, can we stop with the victimizing terms, 609 00:28:34,992 --> 00:28:36,556 like, "fat-shaming," all the time? 610 00:28:36,558 --> 00:28:38,490 Just because you mentioned a condition, 611 00:28:38,492 --> 00:28:40,556 it doesn't mean you're shaming victims! 612 00:28:40,558 --> 00:28:42,356 How come nobody accused me 613 00:28:42,358 --> 00:28:44,790 of "fat-shaming" the first 20 years of my career, 614 00:28:44,792 --> 00:28:48,956 when all I did was attack my awful torso onstage? 615 00:28:48,958 --> 00:28:52,756 I made a living for two decades mashing my... because first 616 00:28:52,758 --> 00:28:54,123 of all, I was 30 pounds heavier, 617 00:28:54,125 --> 00:28:56,223 and it was not evenly distributed. 618 00:28:56,225 --> 00:28:59,790 It was, like, between my pubis and my weak chin! 619 00:28:59,792 --> 00:29:01,756 Like a little bag of placenta! 620 00:29:01,758 --> 00:29:06,690 I would call myself an "ugly, unfuckable amoeba!" 621 00:29:06,692 --> 00:29:08,590 Patrice O'Neal said, "Jim Norton 622 00:29:08,592 --> 00:29:11,192 looks like any container you pour him in!" 623 00:29:22,792 --> 00:29:24,456 Nobody attacked Patrice, "Hey, 624 00:29:24,458 --> 00:29:27,123 that's not right!" You know? 625 00:29:27,125 --> 00:29:28,856 I used to do a joke in my act, right? 626 00:29:28,858 --> 00:29:31,356 Talked about taking a dildo 627 00:29:31,358 --> 00:29:36,956 and duck-taping it between my almost-C-cup breasts, 628 00:29:36,958 --> 00:29:40,756 and killing myself with a gun on New Year's Eve! 629 00:29:40,758 --> 00:29:42,056 Not one person ever said, 630 00:29:42,058 --> 00:29:43,423 "Hey, don't go fat-shaming 631 00:29:43,425 --> 00:29:44,523 yourself, that's..." 632 00:29:44,525 --> 00:29:45,690 No! They were more, like, 633 00:29:45,692 --> 00:29:49,458 Ahhh! "Do it, piggy tits! Ahhh!" 634 00:29:54,758 --> 00:29:56,023 And the way, you know, 635 00:29:56,025 --> 00:29:58,023 it's funny, because I have dropped the weight, and, 636 00:29:58,025 --> 00:29:59,558 you know, there's still... 637 00:30:04,225 --> 00:30:05,623 Would I be really annoying 638 00:30:05,625 --> 00:30:07,358 if I got cocky after I said that, and just trying to... 639 00:30:13,892 --> 00:30:15,690 People ask, like, "How do you drop the weight?" 640 00:30:15,692 --> 00:30:18,123 And it really is just from, you know, doing the right thing. 641 00:30:18,125 --> 00:30:20,290 Keeping it off is really hard. 642 00:30:20,292 --> 00:30:22,123 And one of the things that helped me keep the weight 643 00:30:22,125 --> 00:30:24,456 off, honestly, was, you kind of get used to compliments. 644 00:30:24,458 --> 00:30:26,323 And people are going, "Hey, you look like you lost some weight," 645 00:30:26,325 --> 00:30:28,323 and it makes you feel good about yourself. 646 00:30:28,325 --> 00:30:30,623 And some of you understand this story. 647 00:30:30,625 --> 00:30:33,792 I was a... I'm an Ozzy Osbourne fanatic for my entire life. 648 00:30:37,125 --> 00:30:40,190 And I've met Ozzy many times, I've interviewed him 649 00:30:40,192 --> 00:30:43,123 over the years, and I never expect Ozzy to remember me, 650 00:30:43,125 --> 00:30:44,590 because there's this really nasty rumor 651 00:30:44,592 --> 00:30:45,990 that he experimented with drugs 652 00:30:45,992 --> 00:30:47,558 in the '80s... 653 00:30:51,225 --> 00:30:53,590 and the last time I saw him, 654 00:30:53,592 --> 00:30:54,923 not only did he recognize me, 655 00:30:54,925 --> 00:30:57,223 but he realized that I had lost weight. 656 00:30:57,225 --> 00:30:59,556 And it was one of the most surreal moments of my life. 657 00:30:59,558 --> 00:31:01,056 Ozzy walks in, and he goes, 658 00:31:01,058 --> 00:31:02,556 "Hey man, you've lost a lot of weight, 659 00:31:02,558 --> 00:31:04,556 you look great! What have you been doing?" 660 00:31:04,558 --> 00:31:06,956 And I was so blown away 661 00:31:06,958 --> 00:31:09,290 that Ozzy realized I lost weight, 662 00:31:09,292 --> 00:31:13,192 that I responded to him in an Irish accent! 663 00:31:17,792 --> 00:31:20,690 I have no idea why I did it! It wasn't planned! 664 00:31:20,692 --> 00:31:22,056 He's, like, "You lost weight, what have you been doing?" 665 00:31:22,058 --> 00:31:23,290 And I was, like, 666 00:31:23,292 --> 00:31:25,692 "Ah, just going to the gym, eating better!" 667 00:31:31,958 --> 00:31:33,356 I swear to you, I didn't... 668 00:31:33,358 --> 00:31:34,990 hey, if Ozzy compliments 669 00:31:34,992 --> 00:31:36,823 you, pretend you're from somewhere else, you know? 670 00:31:36,825 --> 00:31:39,323 "Ah, just lifting a few weights, man!" 671 00:31:39,325 --> 00:31:41,356 You know. 672 00:31:41,358 --> 00:31:44,123 I didn't even realized I had done it until an hour later, 673 00:31:44,125 --> 00:31:46,425 when Anthony went, "What the fuck was that?" 674 00:31:49,492 --> 00:31:51,256 One of the most humiliating moments 675 00:31:51,258 --> 00:31:52,990 of my life, that I did that! 676 00:31:52,992 --> 00:31:55,225 And Bob Kelly, that piece of shit! 677 00:32:01,358 --> 00:32:03,523 If Bob gets hit by a bus tonight, 678 00:32:03,525 --> 00:32:05,190 it won't be soon enough! 679 00:32:05,192 --> 00:32:06,756 He couldn't have been happier! 680 00:32:06,758 --> 00:32:08,823 He had that audio on his phone, 681 00:32:08,825 --> 00:32:10,356 he was playing it for people who didn't even know 682 00:32:10,358 --> 00:32:13,023 who the fuck I was! 683 00:32:13,025 --> 00:32:14,690 "Dude, listen to this fake piece of shit! 684 00:32:14,692 --> 00:32:15,856 Jim Norton... duh... 685 00:32:15,858 --> 00:32:17,356 he doesn't even know who he is... 686 00:32:17,358 --> 00:32:19,625 duh... like, he's from fucking Ireland!" 687 00:32:28,858 --> 00:32:31,023 There's also a lot of concerns, it seems, I don't know, 688 00:32:31,025 --> 00:32:33,390 are you guys concerned about your privacy going away? 689 00:32:33,392 --> 00:32:36,290 It really does seem like that's been a big topic of conversation 690 00:32:36,292 --> 00:32:39,223 for the last few years; is that our privacy is being taken away. 691 00:32:39,225 --> 00:32:42,523 No, it's not. It's being given away, by us. 692 00:32:42,525 --> 00:32:44,523 And it's not big brother, it's not the government, 693 00:32:44,525 --> 00:32:46,323 we're snitching on each other! 694 00:32:46,325 --> 00:32:48,090 We are tattling on each other! 695 00:32:48,092 --> 00:32:50,256 We're the one taking each other's private information 696 00:32:50,258 --> 00:32:52,823 and uploading it, and giving it to the newspapers. 697 00:32:52,825 --> 00:32:55,690 That's us! Donald Sterling was a great test 698 00:32:55,692 --> 00:32:57,956 of how much do we value privacy in this country, 699 00:32:57,958 --> 00:33:00,490 and we failed miserably! 700 00:33:00,492 --> 00:33:03,756 We failed miserably, because he's not a likable guy. 701 00:33:03,758 --> 00:33:05,890 And you can't judge privacy by whether or not 702 00:33:05,892 --> 00:33:07,356 somebody is likable. 703 00:33:07,358 --> 00:33:09,890 I wish they would have caught him committing a crime! 704 00:33:09,892 --> 00:33:12,823 He didn't deserve to lose a billion dollar franchise 705 00:33:12,825 --> 00:33:15,290 because he said nasty shit in his house! 706 00:33:15,292 --> 00:33:16,556 Like, wouldn't it have been better if they caught him 707 00:33:16,558 --> 00:33:17,990 in a pedophile sting? 708 00:33:17,992 --> 00:33:19,823 Wouldn't that have felt just something, 709 00:33:19,825 --> 00:33:20,890 like, "Ahh, bring in those kids, 710 00:33:20,892 --> 00:33:22,725 I'm going to fuck them all! 711 00:33:25,692 --> 00:33:27,790 But only the white ones, I don't fuck black ones! 712 00:33:27,792 --> 00:33:29,692 I only fuck the white ones! 713 00:33:33,192 --> 00:33:35,690 Then people could sit around and go, "Ugghh! 714 00:33:35,692 --> 00:33:39,192 He's a racist!" 715 00:33:43,358 --> 00:33:45,590 You know. And again, he's not a nice guy, 716 00:33:45,592 --> 00:33:48,990 and his girlfriend was kind of a twat to tape him, 717 00:33:48,992 --> 00:33:50,990 but I didn't like his little schoolboy answer. 718 00:33:50,992 --> 00:33:52,690 He's not an empathetic character. 719 00:33:52,692 --> 00:33:55,192 "Oh, I thought that girl liked me!" 720 00:33:56,592 --> 00:33:59,690 You're 80, she's 35! 721 00:33:59,692 --> 00:34:02,490 If she's fucking you, it's for your money! 722 00:34:02,492 --> 00:34:03,856 And I'm not knocking that arrangement. 723 00:34:03,858 --> 00:34:06,190 That encourages me to work hard, 724 00:34:06,192 --> 00:34:09,856 and save my money and be somebody, so when I'm 80, 725 00:34:09,858 --> 00:34:11,856 I can fuck a 35-year-old! 726 00:34:11,858 --> 00:34:13,390 But I'm not going to be delusional about it 727 00:34:13,392 --> 00:34:14,690 and think she's into it. Like, what do you think? 728 00:34:14,692 --> 00:34:16,156 That's her fetish? She wants 729 00:34:16,158 --> 00:34:19,092 your rotten, silly-putty dick jammed into her? 730 00:34:20,192 --> 00:34:22,992 "Yeah, I'm going to give it to you slow!" 731 00:34:26,692 --> 00:34:27,956 Then his dementia kicks in, 732 00:34:27,958 --> 00:34:29,458 he just stops! 733 00:34:32,558 --> 00:34:36,990 She's got to yell at him, "Donald!" "Ahh, who are you? 734 00:34:36,992 --> 00:34:38,756 You've got an Adam's apple and a visor! 735 00:34:38,758 --> 00:34:41,023 Aargh!" 736 00:34:41,025 --> 00:34:42,958 Pisses on her leg, "Aargh!" 737 00:34:47,958 --> 00:34:49,756 But he's a hard guy to empathize with, 738 00:34:49,758 --> 00:34:51,456 because he is a racist, you know? 739 00:34:51,458 --> 00:34:54,756 He's not a hateful neo-Nazi type of racist, like, 740 00:34:54,758 --> 00:34:56,456 he doesn't want to beat the shit out of black people, 741 00:34:56,458 --> 00:34:58,123 he is one of those really old guys 742 00:34:58,125 --> 00:34:59,690 who doesn't even know he's a racist. 743 00:34:59,692 --> 00:35:01,990 Like, he's the type of guy who would meet President Obama 744 00:35:01,992 --> 00:35:05,725 and go, "Boy, you people sure have come a long way! 745 00:35:09,892 --> 00:35:12,458 You're as good as I am!" 746 00:35:15,325 --> 00:35:17,323 And he was mad that his girlfriend 747 00:35:17,325 --> 00:35:19,490 was hanging out with all these world-class athletes 748 00:35:19,492 --> 00:35:21,690 and posting the pictures on social media, 749 00:35:21,692 --> 00:35:23,856 probably because his friends were giving him shit. 750 00:35:23,858 --> 00:35:26,156 And now, on the tape is that one funny moment, 751 00:35:26,158 --> 00:35:28,756 where she, like, has a picture with Magic Johnson. 752 00:35:28,758 --> 00:35:30,890 And he yells at her for it. 753 00:35:30,892 --> 00:35:32,990 And she's, like, "Well, I happen to admire Magic Johnson!" 754 00:35:32,992 --> 00:35:34,223 And he's, like, "Well, you can admire him, 755 00:35:34,225 --> 00:35:35,556 but do it privately! 756 00:35:35,558 --> 00:35:36,890 You could bring him over here, 757 00:35:36,892 --> 00:35:38,956 you could feed him and fuck him, 758 00:35:38,958 --> 00:35:41,492 just don't post it on Instagram!" 759 00:35:43,225 --> 00:35:46,192 You're encouraging her to fuck Magic Johnson? 760 00:35:50,758 --> 00:35:54,392 Donald, perhaps you haven't heard... 761 00:36:00,958 --> 00:36:02,290 That's the last guy 762 00:36:02,292 --> 00:36:04,523 you should be encouraging her to fuck! 763 00:36:04,525 --> 00:36:06,190 Let her fuck Kobe Bryant, 764 00:36:06,192 --> 00:36:08,390 or LeBron James, like, and then put on an oven mitt 765 00:36:08,392 --> 00:36:10,692 and jerk Magic off into the sink! 766 00:36:18,358 --> 00:36:19,956 Guy's a billionaire, 767 00:36:19,958 --> 00:36:23,192 he has a 1980 Forrest Gump understanding of AIDS! 768 00:36:24,692 --> 00:36:27,725 "Why you coughing so much, Jenny?" 769 00:36:34,058 --> 00:36:38,456 You look really thin! 770 00:36:38,458 --> 00:36:40,890 Boy, him and Lieutenant Dan did really great with the ladies. 771 00:36:40,892 --> 00:36:44,525 "Forrest, this is my fat Asian wife, Susan, Forrest! 772 00:36:48,492 --> 00:36:50,456 We did really great with the chicks! 773 00:36:50,458 --> 00:36:52,490 Your wife weighs 40 pounds, 774 00:36:52,492 --> 00:36:55,725 and my wife looks like the guy who sang "Gingham Style"! 775 00:37:03,492 --> 00:37:06,756 Who knows, maybe Sterling did have dementia, I don't know. 776 00:37:06,758 --> 00:37:08,456 Maybe that... they said that's why they took the team, 777 00:37:08,458 --> 00:37:10,823 because his faculties weren't all there. 778 00:37:10,825 --> 00:37:12,990 He didn't look good in the Anderson Cooper interview. 779 00:37:12,992 --> 00:37:14,523 I don't know if you guys remember that interview, 780 00:37:14,525 --> 00:37:16,456 but whenever you get in trouble, the first thing the lawyers 781 00:37:16,458 --> 00:37:18,523 tell you is shut the fuck up, don't talk to anybody. 782 00:37:18,525 --> 00:37:19,790 And I'm always, like, no, go out there 783 00:37:19,792 --> 00:37:21,156 and speak up for yourself! 784 00:37:21,158 --> 00:37:23,223 But then I saw him in that Anderson Cooper interview, 785 00:37:23,225 --> 00:37:24,690 and I'm, like, "Oh, that's why they tell you 786 00:37:24,692 --> 00:37:28,056 to shut the fuck up!" Not good! 787 00:37:28,058 --> 00:37:30,690 Jerry Sandusky did a better job of damage control 788 00:37:30,692 --> 00:37:33,456 in the Bob Costas interview. 789 00:37:33,458 --> 00:37:36,223 And that was not a good job of damage control, at all! 790 00:37:36,225 --> 00:37:37,790 "Why did you shower with them? 791 00:37:37,792 --> 00:37:40,725 "I just like when their hineys smell like shampoo, Bob! 792 00:37:42,958 --> 00:37:44,590 I like when we would wrestle around 793 00:37:44,592 --> 00:37:47,725 and our scrotums got tangled up like old phone cords! 794 00:37:51,892 --> 00:37:53,290 There was nothing wrong with those boys 795 00:37:53,292 --> 00:37:55,290 sleeping over and screaming into a pillow 796 00:37:55,292 --> 00:37:57,823 for an hour and a half, 797 00:37:57,825 --> 00:38:00,356 while my codependent, Brian-Dennehy-looking wife 798 00:38:00,358 --> 00:38:02,323 just stayed upstairs making cookies and whistling, 799 00:38:02,325 --> 00:38:05,190 so she couldn't hear the screams!" 800 00:38:05,192 --> 00:38:07,556 Another fucking delusional spouse, "Who wants a cookie?" 801 00:38:07,558 --> 00:38:10,690 "Aha, ha, ha!" 802 00:38:10,692 --> 00:38:14,056 Ooh, someone needs a sugar cookie to dab those tears 803 00:38:14,058 --> 00:38:16,458 and bleeding assholes, doesn't he?" 804 00:38:25,158 --> 00:38:26,523 So, look, maybe, you know, 805 00:38:26,525 --> 00:38:28,690 maybe his mental health wasn't good, because Sterling, 806 00:38:28,692 --> 00:38:31,756 it seemed like that Anderson Cooper interview was going okay, 807 00:38:31,758 --> 00:38:33,156 and then it just went off 808 00:38:33,158 --> 00:38:35,556 the rails very suddenly, it was really bizarre. 809 00:38:35,558 --> 00:38:37,390 They were talking, and out of nowhere, 810 00:38:37,392 --> 00:38:41,092 Sterling goes, "And when has Magic Johnson done it so great?" 811 00:38:42,358 --> 00:38:44,056 And you could see Anderson Cooper 812 00:38:44,058 --> 00:38:45,323 was actually thrown by this. 813 00:38:45,325 --> 00:38:46,356 He's, like, "Well, you know, he's an entrepreneur, 814 00:38:46,358 --> 00:38:47,956 he's started a lot of businesses." 815 00:38:47,958 --> 00:38:50,858 And then Sterling just blurts out, "He's got AIDS!" 816 00:38:56,325 --> 00:38:57,690 That's the greatest example 817 00:38:57,692 --> 00:38:59,190 of an old man blurting shit 818 00:38:59,192 --> 00:39:01,856 out you're ever going to see in your life! 819 00:39:01,858 --> 00:39:03,523 That's the type of thing you'd expect an old guy 820 00:39:03,525 --> 00:39:04,756 to say when he's walking, like, 821 00:39:04,758 --> 00:39:06,756 with his ass hanging out of a hospital gown. 822 00:39:06,758 --> 00:39:08,456 "Yeah, he's got AIDS! 823 00:39:08,458 --> 00:39:12,525 He's putting AIDS in my Jello and in my orange juice!" 824 00:39:19,292 --> 00:39:20,223 And it's not even, 825 00:39:20,225 --> 00:39:21,890 you know, again, going into people's pasts, 826 00:39:21,892 --> 00:39:23,423 or privacy invasions. 827 00:39:23,425 --> 00:39:25,423 You can also get in trouble in this culture 828 00:39:25,425 --> 00:39:28,390 that we're in right now for giving an opinion 829 00:39:28,392 --> 00:39:31,356 that one segment of the population finds unpleasant. 830 00:39:31,358 --> 00:39:34,056 Like, we claim that we like honesty and open dialog, 831 00:39:34,058 --> 00:39:35,523 and then all we do is go after people 832 00:39:35,525 --> 00:39:36,923 for saying shit we don't like! 833 00:39:36,925 --> 00:39:40,423 Phil Robertson, the patriarch of Duck Dynasty, 834 00:39:40,425 --> 00:39:43,790 in an interview with GQ said he was against gay marriage. 835 00:39:43,792 --> 00:39:46,290 And I don't like that opinion, I think it's stupid, 836 00:39:46,292 --> 00:39:47,956 and I'm all for gay marriage. 837 00:39:47,958 --> 00:39:51,156 But you shouldn't be afraid to say you're against it. 838 00:39:51,158 --> 00:39:52,456 You know? Because A&E was so full of shit, 839 00:39:52,458 --> 00:39:53,956 they pulled him off the air. 840 00:39:53,958 --> 00:39:56,390 They're like, "We had no idea he felt that way!" 841 00:39:56,392 --> 00:39:57,892 I know, why would you? 842 00:39:59,358 --> 00:40:01,456 He's only a born again Christian preacher! 843 00:40:01,458 --> 00:40:04,656 What are the odds he's against gay marriage? 844 00:40:04,658 --> 00:40:05,856 A hundred percent! 845 00:40:05,858 --> 00:40:08,323 Those are the odds! 846 00:40:08,325 --> 00:40:10,490 The entire family looks like the Unabomber, 847 00:40:10,492 --> 00:40:13,156 how do you think they feel about gay people? 848 00:40:13,158 --> 00:40:14,223 Here's the rule of thumb: 849 00:40:14,225 --> 00:40:15,890 When you say, "homosexuals," 850 00:40:15,892 --> 00:40:17,325 you're against gay marriage! 851 00:40:22,858 --> 00:40:24,356 And he said something like, "You know, 852 00:40:24,358 --> 00:40:26,190 I'm against homosexuality, bestiality, fornacation." 853 00:40:26,192 --> 00:40:30,223 And I understand why gay people were upset. 854 00:40:30,225 --> 00:40:31,856 I mean, I really do. I mean, 855 00:40:31,858 --> 00:40:33,723 no one wants to be mentioned right before "bestiality." 856 00:40:33,725 --> 00:40:35,623 I get it! 857 00:40:35,625 --> 00:40:37,623 I don't think gay people are being unreasonable to go, "Look, 858 00:40:37,625 --> 00:40:39,156 you don't have to love us, but could you separate us 859 00:40:39,158 --> 00:40:41,156 from the dog fuckers by more than a comma, 860 00:40:41,158 --> 00:40:42,725 you piece of shit?" 861 00:40:44,592 --> 00:40:46,423 But he gets pulled off the air, 862 00:40:46,425 --> 00:40:48,390 and people were celebrating, and groups were happy. 863 00:40:48,392 --> 00:40:51,156 And that's a very dangerous place to be in a free society. 864 00:40:51,158 --> 00:40:52,490 The only group that should have been happy 865 00:40:52,492 --> 00:40:53,956 he got in trouble are ducks! 866 00:40:53,958 --> 00:40:56,656 I understand if ducks hate Phil Robertson, 867 00:40:56,658 --> 00:40:57,890 because that duck whistle 868 00:40:57,892 --> 00:41:00,190 is responsible for a duck holocaust. 869 00:41:00,192 --> 00:41:02,856 So, I get it if they're not a fan of his! 870 00:41:02,858 --> 00:41:04,756 And first of all, like, I don't hunt ducks, 871 00:41:04,758 --> 00:41:06,023 so I don't know anything about it. 872 00:41:06,025 --> 00:41:08,692 But I will say, if you have to trick a duck, 873 00:41:10,392 --> 00:41:11,390 you're a shitty hunter! 874 00:41:11,392 --> 00:41:13,490 I'm sorry! 875 00:41:13,492 --> 00:41:15,156 Because ducks aren't dangerous animals. 876 00:41:15,158 --> 00:41:16,690 You know, like a bear or an alligator, 877 00:41:16,692 --> 00:41:17,856 where it's kill or be killed. 878 00:41:17,858 --> 00:41:20,123 This is kill, or wait a few more minutes! 879 00:41:20,125 --> 00:41:21,758 That's all it is! 880 00:41:24,192 --> 00:41:25,190 You know, ducks are very, very... 881 00:41:25,192 --> 00:41:26,756 they're very non-threatening. 882 00:41:26,758 --> 00:41:28,756 They have little, fat delicious stomachs, 883 00:41:28,758 --> 00:41:30,190 their legs are this long, 884 00:41:30,192 --> 00:41:32,292 they kick their own assholes when they run! 885 00:41:34,225 --> 00:41:35,556 They're not hard to find. 886 00:41:35,558 --> 00:41:37,023 You'd think if you were that helpless, 887 00:41:37,025 --> 00:41:39,356 you'd kind of keep it on the D-L when you're in the forest. 888 00:41:39,358 --> 00:41:41,390 But these idiots walk through like they're the fucking mayor! 889 00:41:41,392 --> 00:41:43,290 "Raahh! Raahh! 890 00:41:43,292 --> 00:41:44,825 Raahh!" 891 00:41:46,758 --> 00:41:48,423 You don't need to "trick a duck." 892 00:41:48,425 --> 00:41:49,823 You know what you need to hunt a duck? 893 00:41:49,825 --> 00:41:50,956 Two ears and a hammer. 894 00:41:50,958 --> 00:41:52,892 That's all you need to hunt a duck! 895 00:41:54,258 --> 00:41:57,823 Or, a piece of Wonder Bread, you impatient mother fucker! 896 00:41:57,825 --> 00:42:00,325 Just stand at the end of the lake and wave it! 897 00:42:01,858 --> 00:42:03,556 They don't speak English, you could even tell them 898 00:42:03,558 --> 00:42:05,156 what you're going to do! "Come here, little duck! 899 00:42:05,158 --> 00:42:07,390 I'm going to bash your brains in! 900 00:42:07,392 --> 00:42:08,490 Gonna bash them right 901 00:42:08,492 --> 00:42:10,325 the fuck in!" 902 00:42:12,758 --> 00:42:13,856 Ducks are so stupid; 903 00:42:13,858 --> 00:42:15,323 while one duck is eating the bread, 904 00:42:15,325 --> 00:42:17,190 you could pick the other duck up by the legs 905 00:42:17,192 --> 00:42:20,990 and Caligula-smash his head into a rock! 906 00:42:20,992 --> 00:42:23,890 The other ducks wouldn't even flee! 907 00:42:23,892 --> 00:42:25,823 They'd all go, "Oh, look, he's drying Murray off, 908 00:42:25,825 --> 00:42:27,192 how helpful!" 909 00:42:29,558 --> 00:42:31,956 You know how stupid ducks 910 00:42:31,958 --> 00:42:34,290 must feel when they fall for that duck call? 911 00:42:34,292 --> 00:42:35,290 How humiliating! 912 00:42:35,292 --> 00:42:36,256 They're, like, [DUCK CALL], 913 00:42:36,258 --> 00:42:37,456 they're, like, "Come on, guys, 914 00:42:37,458 --> 00:42:38,523 someone needs help!" You're, like, 915 00:42:38,525 --> 00:42:40,690 pop pop pop, pop pop pop pop pop! "No, it's okay, 916 00:42:40,692 --> 00:42:42,325 I think it's just firecrackers!" 917 00:42:56,092 --> 00:42:57,956 It's just a very scary time 918 00:42:57,958 --> 00:42:59,456 for privacy, and for stuff like that. 919 00:42:59,458 --> 00:43:01,056 And I think part of the reason 920 00:43:01,058 --> 00:43:04,390 we are so ill-equipped to handle everything 921 00:43:04,392 --> 00:43:07,890 is because we didn't understand the technology that was coming. 922 00:43:07,892 --> 00:43:09,223 People are getting in trouble, 923 00:43:09,225 --> 00:43:11,756 because we're responding immediately to things. 924 00:43:11,758 --> 00:43:15,123 And here's why: Because nobody warned us about this. 925 00:43:15,125 --> 00:43:17,756 Nobody told us when we were in high school. 926 00:43:17,758 --> 00:43:19,690 Did anybody come to you, we talked about the future? 927 00:43:19,692 --> 00:43:21,223 They said things like, "Oh, 928 00:43:21,225 --> 00:43:23,556 you're going to have flying cars," or, 929 00:43:23,558 --> 00:43:25,790 you know, "Mom's going to push a button and a pot roast 930 00:43:25,792 --> 00:43:27,223 will show up in the living room! 931 00:43:27,225 --> 00:43:30,492 Ooh! Good for mom!" 932 00:43:31,792 --> 00:43:33,456 No guidance counselor ever just 933 00:43:33,458 --> 00:43:35,690 said, "Jim, stay alive, 934 00:43:35,692 --> 00:43:36,890 because someday soon, 935 00:43:36,892 --> 00:43:39,456 you're going to have a six-inch glass telephone 936 00:43:39,458 --> 00:43:42,525 that you can use to photograph your dick! 937 00:43:46,758 --> 00:43:49,092 And you can send it to any girl in the world!" 938 00:43:50,425 --> 00:43:53,092 I wouldn't even ask if it made phone calls! 939 00:43:59,958 --> 00:44:02,523 We're losing the ability to pause. 940 00:44:02,525 --> 00:44:04,490 Now, I have a lot of dick photos on my phone. 941 00:44:04,492 --> 00:44:06,356 And that's easy for me to say as a comedian. 942 00:44:06,358 --> 00:44:09,056 I know as regular people, I have a little more leeway 943 00:44:09,058 --> 00:44:10,456 than you do; you know, you're a schoolteacher, 944 00:44:10,458 --> 00:44:11,490 you can't go on Facebook, 945 00:44:11,492 --> 00:44:12,290 "Took a great cock shot! 946 00:44:12,292 --> 00:44:14,058 L-O-L!" 947 00:44:16,692 --> 00:44:18,156 I had so many pictures 948 00:44:18,158 --> 00:44:19,356 of my dick on my phone, 949 00:44:19,358 --> 00:44:22,756 I can't hand my phone to a family member. 950 00:44:22,758 --> 00:44:25,056 Like, if I was having a stroke, and my mother was, like, "Quick! 951 00:44:25,058 --> 00:44:28,358 I'll call the hospital!" I would have to go, "Fuck it! 952 00:44:32,525 --> 00:44:34,525 I'll be all right, ma!" 953 00:44:42,458 --> 00:44:43,956 But, you know, 954 00:44:43,958 --> 00:44:45,956 it's so easy to ruin somebody's life. 955 00:44:45,958 --> 00:44:47,923 And once again, we're not punishing the people 956 00:44:47,925 --> 00:44:49,456 who are releasing the information, 957 00:44:49,458 --> 00:44:51,423 who are doing the life-ruining. 958 00:44:51,425 --> 00:44:54,390 We're actually penalizing the people whose stuff is stolen, 959 00:44:54,392 --> 00:44:57,456 and whose text messages and shit are posted online! 960 00:44:57,458 --> 00:45:00,356 Like, Anthony Weiner in New York is a great example. 961 00:45:00,358 --> 00:45:02,023 I don't know much about his politics, 962 00:45:02,025 --> 00:45:04,556 I just know that people who voted for him 963 00:45:04,558 --> 00:45:07,456 felt that he really did what they wanted him to do, 964 00:45:07,458 --> 00:45:11,990 and his career is ruined because of stupid dick pictures! 965 00:45:11,992 --> 00:45:14,556 And people were, like, "He used very poor judgment!" 966 00:45:14,558 --> 00:45:17,523 I thought he used wonderful judgment! 967 00:45:17,525 --> 00:45:19,156 He wasn't cheating on his wife at all, 968 00:45:19,158 --> 00:45:20,456 he was just talking to her! 969 00:45:20,458 --> 00:45:23,156 He didn't risk disease, he didn't risk pregnancy. 970 00:45:23,158 --> 00:45:25,092 He didn't waste gas! 971 00:45:27,892 --> 00:45:29,156 That, to me, is an excellent... by the way, 972 00:45:29,158 --> 00:45:31,456 and it shows you how full of shit people are! 973 00:45:31,458 --> 00:45:33,123 Because how many years have we been saying, "Why can't we 974 00:45:33,125 --> 00:45:34,990 get a regular guy elected to office?" 975 00:45:34,992 --> 00:45:36,156 That was the best shot 976 00:45:36,158 --> 00:45:37,725 we're ever going to have! 977 00:45:39,058 --> 00:45:41,556 Because what says "regular guy" more than a man 978 00:45:41,558 --> 00:45:44,790 who gets in trouble sending a photo of his dick, 979 00:45:44,792 --> 00:45:46,592 and then does it again? 980 00:45:48,758 --> 00:45:50,823 He did it again! 981 00:45:50,825 --> 00:45:52,423 When he did it the second time, 982 00:45:52,425 --> 00:45:53,923 every guy in this country should have said, "I'm going 983 00:45:53,925 --> 00:45:56,823 to follow this guy to the White House, 984 00:45:56,825 --> 00:46:01,790 because he understands who I am!" 985 00:46:01,792 --> 00:46:03,223 And the pictures were not good. 986 00:46:03,225 --> 00:46:04,823 I mean, we all saw the picture. 987 00:46:04,825 --> 00:46:06,756 I mean, it was something that he really... that had... 988 00:46:06,758 --> 00:46:07,890 he had a towel around it, 989 00:46:07,892 --> 00:46:09,556 he had a hard-on tenting, 990 00:46:09,558 --> 00:46:11,156 and his body, and his face. 991 00:46:11,158 --> 00:46:12,356 And when I saw that he had put 992 00:46:12,358 --> 00:46:14,856 his face and his heart on in the same picture, 993 00:46:14,858 --> 00:46:16,156 I wanted to hug him! 994 00:46:16,158 --> 00:46:19,525 Like, come here, you rookie, get over here! 995 00:46:23,858 --> 00:46:25,990 What is the matter with you? Never! 996 00:46:25,992 --> 00:46:28,523 I'll send my face, I'll send my dick. 997 00:46:28,525 --> 00:46:31,356 Never in the same photo! 998 00:46:31,358 --> 00:46:34,190 I won't even take those pictures in the same room, 999 00:46:34,192 --> 00:46:37,192 so you can put them together later in Photoshop! 1000 00:46:38,292 --> 00:46:39,990 Like, if you want a picture of my face, 1001 00:46:39,992 --> 00:46:42,223 I'll go outside and stand in front of a tree, 1002 00:46:42,225 --> 00:46:43,856 or have some sunshine. 1003 00:46:43,858 --> 00:46:44,690 And then, if you want my dick, I'll, 1004 00:46:44,692 --> 00:46:47,590 like, open the refrigerator, 1005 00:46:47,592 --> 00:46:51,823 hang it in front of the vegetable drawer, you know. 1006 00:46:51,825 --> 00:46:54,256 I'll move, obviously, the zucchinis and cucumbers, 1007 00:46:54,258 --> 00:46:58,192 and put in some baby carrots! 1008 00:47:04,292 --> 00:47:06,756 But it's easy to get in trouble, 1009 00:47:06,758 --> 00:47:08,190 because the immediacy... 1010 00:47:08,192 --> 00:47:09,690 like, you know, we're all, you know, horny. 1011 00:47:09,692 --> 00:47:11,790 You're talking to somebody, there's no pause anymore! 1012 00:47:11,792 --> 00:47:13,190 You're talking to a girl, you're texting, she's, 1013 00:47:13,192 --> 00:47:14,356 like, "I want to see your dick!" You're, 1014 00:47:14,358 --> 00:47:15,490 like, "You want to see my fucking dick? 1015 00:47:15,492 --> 00:47:17,690 There's my fucking dick! 1016 00:47:17,692 --> 00:47:20,356 Oh my God, I ruined my life! 1017 00:47:20,358 --> 00:47:22,556 Oh, my God! And now, there's pre-cum in my hair! 1018 00:47:22,558 --> 00:47:28,223 Oh, my God!" I don't think we're any worse now 1019 00:47:28,225 --> 00:47:29,990 than we used to be, we just... 1020 00:47:29,992 --> 00:47:31,490 years ago, you couldn't do that, 1021 00:47:31,492 --> 00:47:33,523 because the technology didn't exist to do it. 1022 00:47:33,525 --> 00:47:35,790 Men were the same 30 years ago. 1023 00:47:35,792 --> 00:47:37,323 You know, in the mid -'80s, you'd be talking to a girl, 1024 00:47:37,325 --> 00:47:38,456 like, "You want to see my dick? 1025 00:47:38,458 --> 00:47:40,190 I'll show you my fucking dick! 1026 00:47:40,192 --> 00:47:42,492 Sit tight!" 1027 00:47:44,425 --> 00:47:51,290 You'd have to go get the Polaroid out, try to line up the shot, 1028 00:47:51,292 --> 00:47:53,823 and your dick would never get hard for the photo. 1029 00:47:53,825 --> 00:47:54,923 Remember the old fluff? 1030 00:47:54,925 --> 00:47:56,123 You'd have to do the fluff, 1031 00:47:56,125 --> 00:47:58,890 and then try to move your hand out of the way, 1032 00:47:58,892 --> 00:48:00,956 to snap the picture on the upswing. 1033 00:48:00,958 --> 00:48:02,658 You never got it, it was always, like, that... 1034 00:48:04,492 --> 00:48:06,156 And then finally, you'd just kind of pinch 1035 00:48:06,158 --> 00:48:08,756 the back of the head and hold it out. 1036 00:48:08,758 --> 00:48:10,958 You looked like a lioness holding her cub! 1037 00:48:20,825 --> 00:48:22,790 Oh! 1038 00:48:22,792 --> 00:48:25,156 Then, you'd have to get in the car, drive it to her house, 1039 00:48:25,158 --> 00:48:26,890 beep the horn, roll down the window, 1040 00:48:26,892 --> 00:48:28,456 "Here's my blurry, thin dick, 1041 00:48:28,458 --> 00:48:30,292 stupid," drive away... 1042 00:48:33,125 --> 00:48:35,823 You couldn't claim temporary insanity in 1984. 1043 00:48:35,825 --> 00:48:37,456 "I didn't know what I was doing," 1044 00:48:37,458 --> 00:48:39,156 you paid three tolls before you gave her your dick picture, 1045 00:48:39,158 --> 00:48:40,692 what are you talking about? 1046 00:48:44,525 --> 00:48:47,190 And you couldn't ruin somebody's life instantly. 1047 00:48:47,192 --> 00:48:49,523 You couldn't have one moment of vindictiveness back then, 1048 00:48:49,525 --> 00:48:50,523 and ruin someone's life. 1049 00:48:50,525 --> 00:48:52,556 Now, you just push a button, 1050 00:48:52,558 --> 00:48:55,823 and somebody's judgment error is uploaded into the consciousness 1051 00:48:55,825 --> 00:48:57,323 of the entire planet! 1052 00:48:57,325 --> 00:48:59,856 Thirty years ago, you wanted to wreck a life with a dick photo? 1053 00:48:59,858 --> 00:49:01,123 Door to door operation! 1054 00:49:02,692 --> 00:49:06,390 Guess who? "I don't know, 1055 00:49:06,392 --> 00:49:09,058 it's kind of small, and he's wearing a Black Sabbath shirt. 1056 00:49:10,225 --> 00:49:11,423 It's either Jim Norton 1057 00:49:11,425 --> 00:49:13,592 or a five-year-old with great music taste!" 1058 00:49:19,392 --> 00:49:20,456 And don't get me wrong. 1059 00:49:20,458 --> 00:49:22,423 You know, I'm not blaming technology 1060 00:49:22,425 --> 00:49:24,090 for what we've turned into. 1061 00:49:24,092 --> 00:49:27,792 I'm just saying the immediacy makes our decision-making, 1062 00:49:28,858 --> 00:49:32,090 you know, a little more important. 1063 00:49:32,092 --> 00:49:33,890 And I was a pervert long before a computer... 1064 00:49:33,892 --> 00:49:36,123 this is how long I've been a pervert. 1065 00:49:36,125 --> 00:49:39,792 I used to rent pornography from Rite Aid Pharmacy! 1066 00:49:41,558 --> 00:49:43,090 Does anybody remember 30 years ago, 1067 00:49:43,092 --> 00:49:45,490 when Rite Aid had a video rental section, 1068 00:49:45,492 --> 00:49:46,990 and we didn't own a VCR. 1069 00:49:46,992 --> 00:49:49,556 I would walk a mile to the video store. 1070 00:49:49,558 --> 00:49:52,156 And you were allowed to rent three porno tapes, 1071 00:49:52,158 --> 00:49:54,156 which was the maximum, which I think was my fault, 1072 00:49:54,158 --> 00:49:56,392 because the first time I walked in pushing a hand truck! 1073 00:49:57,858 --> 00:49:59,823 And I think they were, like, "Somebody better flag this kid, 1074 00:49:59,825 --> 00:50:02,325 or he's going to need Tommy John surgery before he's 18!" 1075 00:50:05,392 --> 00:50:06,690 And they didn't have the pornos 1076 00:50:06,692 --> 00:50:08,123 displayed all over the pharmacy. 1077 00:50:08,125 --> 00:50:09,723 They had, like, regular movies. 1078 00:50:09,725 --> 00:50:11,190 And if you wanted to see the pornos, 1079 00:50:11,192 --> 00:50:14,290 there was a binder behind the counter 1080 00:50:14,292 --> 00:50:17,056 that had photos of all the box covers in it. 1081 00:50:17,058 --> 00:50:20,823 So, you'd have to wait until the counter cleared out, 1082 00:50:20,825 --> 00:50:22,190 then you'd walk over and go, 1083 00:50:22,192 --> 00:50:25,292 like, "Uh, can I see the binder, please?" 1084 00:50:29,458 --> 00:50:32,158 They put on those gloves they use to train a falcon! 1085 00:50:47,892 --> 00:50:50,656 And then you'd have to pick out three movies 1086 00:50:50,658 --> 00:50:52,223 that you were going to watch for two days. 1087 00:50:52,225 --> 00:50:54,090 So, your addiction couldn't go all over the place, 1088 00:50:54,092 --> 00:50:55,656 you had to make a decision. 1089 00:50:55,658 --> 00:50:57,690 "All, right, maybe I'll get, like, a little girl-girl, 1090 00:50:57,692 --> 00:50:59,190 and maybe I'll wind up getting 1091 00:50:59,192 --> 00:51:00,956 a little interracial porn, is always good." 1092 00:51:00,958 --> 00:51:02,123 Then you get the one you pretend 1093 00:51:02,125 --> 00:51:04,092 you don't know is transsexuals. 1094 00:51:05,292 --> 00:51:06,456 Just hope it's not the same guy 1095 00:51:06,458 --> 00:51:08,156 behind the counter when you bring it back, 1096 00:51:08,158 --> 00:51:09,790 because then you've got to make up an excuse. 1097 00:51:09,792 --> 00:51:12,492 "Hey, I thought this was chicks with detectives! 1098 00:51:18,025 --> 00:51:20,325 That's the third time you got me with this one!" 1099 00:51:28,458 --> 00:51:30,690 But now, man, you don't have to make decisions. 1100 00:51:30,692 --> 00:51:32,823 You can just open one of these porn megasites, 1101 00:51:32,825 --> 00:51:34,390 and look at anything you want. 1102 00:51:34,392 --> 00:51:36,523 And that really exacerbates your sexual addiction. 1103 00:51:36,525 --> 00:51:37,756 I'm not saying it causes it, 1104 00:51:37,758 --> 00:51:39,290 but it does make it a lot worse. 1105 00:51:39,292 --> 00:51:41,523 I want to know how many things become fetishes that guys 1106 00:51:41,525 --> 00:51:43,156 click on, just to have a laugh. 1107 00:51:43,158 --> 00:51:44,956 Like, how many guys have clicked on a video, and, 1108 00:51:44,958 --> 00:51:47,890 like, "This girl is going to shit in this guy's face!" 1109 00:52:01,392 --> 00:52:03,825 "Oh, for Pete's sake!" 1110 00:52:09,692 --> 00:52:10,990 And the whole, like, pretending 1111 00:52:10,992 --> 00:52:13,223 you're young thing is just bizarre. 1112 00:52:13,225 --> 00:52:15,390 Like, I don't mind the Catholic school girl skirt. 1113 00:52:15,392 --> 00:52:16,956 That's kind of sexy. 1114 00:52:16,958 --> 00:52:18,690 But I don't like when 30-year-old woman 1115 00:52:18,692 --> 00:52:21,625 walks into my bedroom, "I didn't do my homework!" 1116 00:52:24,492 --> 00:52:25,856 "Do it, retard! 1117 00:52:25,858 --> 00:52:28,658 What do you want me to tell you?" 1118 00:52:36,125 --> 00:52:40,290 "Spank me! I was late for school!" 1119 00:52:40,292 --> 00:52:43,690 Nobody gets spanked for being late for school anymore! 1120 00:52:43,692 --> 00:52:46,256 What is this, 1953 dirty talk? 1121 00:52:46,258 --> 00:52:49,056 "Ooh, spank me, I served a negro at the counter 1122 00:52:49,058 --> 00:52:50,825 at Woolworth's today!" 1123 00:52:55,825 --> 00:52:57,256 Update your dirty talk 1124 00:52:57,258 --> 00:52:58,390 to the new millennium! 1125 00:52:58,392 --> 00:52:59,890 "Ooh, you brought in muffins, 1126 00:52:59,892 --> 00:53:01,956 even though some of the kids have peanut allergies! 1127 00:53:01,958 --> 00:53:03,658 Naughty! 1128 00:53:06,858 --> 00:53:08,323 "You didn't give a Valentine's 1129 00:53:08,325 --> 00:53:10,523 Day card to the Muslim boy, you're not all-inclusive, 1130 00:53:10,525 --> 00:53:12,325 young lady! 1131 00:53:20,858 --> 00:53:22,356 Oh! I've just... you know, 1132 00:53:22,358 --> 00:53:24,156 I think part of the problem for me is I've been so open 1133 00:53:24,158 --> 00:53:26,690 about how dirty I am for so long, 1134 00:53:26,692 --> 00:53:29,490 it just makes women not want to go out with me. 1135 00:53:29,492 --> 00:53:34,323 Like, ah, any guy ever been fucked with a strappon? Cool! 1136 00:53:34,325 --> 00:53:36,525 No no, I'll bite the bullet on this one, it's fine! 1137 00:53:38,858 --> 00:53:40,190 I've tried. 1138 00:53:40,192 --> 00:53:42,490 I've never actually been able to go through with it. 1139 00:53:42,492 --> 00:53:44,756 Because it's only because physically, my body won't take... 1140 00:53:44,758 --> 00:53:46,556 a lot of guys are, like, "What, what, are you fucked by a guy?" 1141 00:53:46,558 --> 00:53:48,458 No, at this point... 1142 00:53:52,225 --> 00:53:53,756 But there's just 1143 00:53:53,758 --> 00:53:56,323 something perverse about a woman with a fake dick, 1144 00:53:56,325 --> 00:53:57,890 and she's going to wreck your asshole! 1145 00:53:57,892 --> 00:53:59,456 There's just something that I kind of, 1146 00:53:59,458 --> 00:54:00,992 like, I don't know! 1147 00:54:04,792 --> 00:54:06,190 But I've never been able to go through with it, 1148 00:54:06,192 --> 00:54:07,390 because for some reason, 1149 00:54:07,392 --> 00:54:09,356 you know, whenever a strappon is hitting my... 1150 00:54:09,358 --> 00:54:12,192 my asshole reacts like an eye with a finger in it, just... 1151 00:54:26,858 --> 00:54:28,823 And I've tried a few times, 1152 00:54:28,825 --> 00:54:30,323 I just... I'm finally going to have to give up on it. 1153 00:54:30,325 --> 00:54:33,156 The last time I tried, I was in Los Angeles with a woman, 1154 00:54:33,158 --> 00:54:34,390 and I was laying on my back, 1155 00:54:34,392 --> 00:54:35,990 and she's kneeling between my legs. 1156 00:54:35,992 --> 00:54:38,756 And my legs were draped over her thighs. 1157 00:54:38,758 --> 00:54:41,556 And she was jabbing a sixteenth of an inch in. 1158 00:54:41,558 --> 00:54:43,223 And that was all I needed. 1159 00:54:43,225 --> 00:54:44,523 I was happy with that. 1160 00:54:44,525 --> 00:54:45,756 She's, like, "I'm going to go farther in." 1161 00:54:45,758 --> 00:54:48,956 I'm, like, "No! No!" Like, 1162 00:54:48,958 --> 00:54:50,290 I'm trying not to get her to piss on the rug! 1163 00:54:50,292 --> 00:54:52,690 "No!" 1164 00:54:52,692 --> 00:54:54,590 Sixteenth of an inch was fine! 1165 00:54:54,592 --> 00:54:55,690 I'm tweedling my nipples, 1166 00:54:55,692 --> 00:54:56,690 "Oh, I'm a bitch! 1167 00:54:56,692 --> 00:54:58,258 I'm a bitch!" 1168 00:55:00,992 --> 00:55:03,356 My poor dick was just curled up, 1169 00:55:03,358 --> 00:55:06,756 limp and shivering like a wet Chihuahua! 1170 00:55:06,758 --> 00:55:08,523 "Oh, what am I doing? Who is he? 1171 00:55:08,525 --> 00:55:09,823 I don't know who he is anymore! 1172 00:55:09,825 --> 00:55:11,392 What is this invader?" 1173 00:55:15,125 --> 00:55:18,390 But then she pushes it in about a half inch, 1174 00:55:18,392 --> 00:55:19,523 which was a bad move, 1175 00:55:19,525 --> 00:55:21,458 because I had had vegetable juice, 1176 00:55:22,692 --> 00:55:25,790 which tends to make me a little gassy! 1177 00:55:25,792 --> 00:55:27,690 And I told her, like, 1178 00:55:27,692 --> 00:55:29,390 "Do NOT push it... 1179 00:55:29,392 --> 00:55:31,956 no! No!" Because she was going 1180 00:55:31,958 --> 00:55:34,890 to pull it out, "NO!" I'm, like, 1181 00:55:34,892 --> 00:55:36,223 "We have a situation, here!" 1182 00:55:36,225 --> 00:55:38,490 I wanted her to take off that strappon, 1183 00:55:38,492 --> 00:55:39,690 leave it in my asshole, 1184 00:55:39,692 --> 00:55:41,192 and go home! 1185 00:55:48,392 --> 00:55:49,890 But she thought she knew better, 1186 00:55:49,892 --> 00:55:51,725 and she pulled back... 1187 00:55:53,892 --> 00:55:56,556 You know what happens when the door of an airplane 1188 00:55:56,558 --> 00:55:59,258 gets ripped off at 30,000 feet? 1189 00:56:06,225 --> 00:56:07,756 And she couldn't even get up, 1190 00:56:07,758 --> 00:56:10,290 because my legs were over her thighs, so, 1191 00:56:10,292 --> 00:56:13,092 she just kind of had to go back, like that. 1192 00:56:14,392 --> 00:56:18,756 I have never been prouder of myself in my entire life! 1193 00:56:18,758 --> 00:56:21,558 Because fuck her, "no" means NO! 1194 00:56:23,992 --> 00:56:25,023 Thank you guys very much. I love ya! 1195 00:56:25,025 --> 00:56:26,658 I appreciate you coming! 1196 00:56:29,692 --> 00:56:33,690 Thank you! I love you, Boston! 1197 00:56:33,692 --> 00:56:34,690 Thank you very much, guys! 1198 00:56:34,692 --> 00:56:36,192 I appreciate it! 1199 00:56:36,194 --> 00:56:41,194 Sync and corrections by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com