
2
00:00:31,620 --> 00:00:32,663
Thank you.

3
00:00:32,746 --> 00:00:34,248
Oh, my God.

4
00:00:34,331 --> 00:00:35,832
Sit down.

5
00:00:40,128 --> 00:00:41,255
All right.

6
00:00:43,090 --> 00:00:46,051
Get down, get down.
We got jokes to tell. Come on.

7
00:00:47,970 --> 00:00:49,930
All right, let's start this shit.

8
00:00:53,642 --> 00:00:55,018
Bill Cosby.

9
00:00:56,895 --> 00:01:00,732
Now, I don't know if you
get all the news here in Nashville...

10
00:01:02,150 --> 00:01:03,735
but I may say something

11
00:01:03,819 --> 00:01:06,280
that's very upsetting to many of you.

12
00:01:07,197 --> 00:01:11,493
It turns out that Bill Cosby is a rapist.

13
00:01:13,245 --> 00:01:16,039
I know. I always used to watch him
on the telly as a kid,

14
00:01:16,123 --> 00:01:17,708
and I always used to think to myself...

15
00:01:17,791 --> 00:01:21,003
"Ah, I bet he doesn't rape." But...

16
00:01:24,006 --> 00:01:28,427
I've been wrong before
and I'll be wrong again,

17
00:01:28,510 --> 00:01:31,805
'cause it turns out
that his favorite thing is rape.

18
00:01:32,723 --> 00:01:35,684
He fucking loves raping people.

19
00:01:35,767 --> 00:01:37,686
Now, think about your favorite thing.

20
00:01:37,769 --> 00:01:41,898
You might be into sports, gardening, golf.
I don't know what the fuck you're into.

21
00:01:41,982 --> 00:01:44,484
Now think about it. Now replace it...

22
00:01:45,736 --> 00:01:46,737
with rape.

23
00:01:48,905 --> 00:01:52,242
And that's how Bill Cosby feels
all day, every day.

24
00:01:54,828 --> 00:01:56,496
Now, I did this routine in Australia,

25
00:01:56,580 --> 00:01:58,665
and they wrote a horrible review
of the show.

26
00:01:58,749 --> 00:02:02,419
And I hate that people forget
that I'm a comedian and that I'm joking.

27
00:02:02,502 --> 00:02:05,631
But I have to do
this little public service announcement

28
00:02:05,714 --> 00:02:07,382
before I do this routine.

29
00:02:09,760 --> 00:02:13,221
I believe, in many ways, rape is wrong.

30
00:02:17,601 --> 00:02:22,606
I believe, when possible,
you should always avoid raping people.

31
00:02:24,066 --> 00:02:26,026
If you leave the show this evening,

32
00:02:26,109 --> 00:02:28,403
and you're thinking
about raping someone,

33
00:02:28,487 --> 00:02:30,489
Jim Jefferies says no.

34
00:02:37,162 --> 00:02:41,708
But Bill Cosby wouldn't listen to me,
would he? Fuck!

35
00:02:41,792 --> 00:02:44,753
'Cause he fucking loves raping.

36
00:02:44,836 --> 00:02:47,381
Sixty women have come forward.
Sixty women.

37
00:02:47,464 --> 00:02:49,383
It's a big number, isn't it? Sixty.

38
00:02:49,466 --> 00:02:52,094
Actually, a little bit too big.

39
00:02:52,177 --> 00:02:54,471
The real number is 52.

40
00:02:54,554 --> 00:02:57,724
But I can say what I want up here,
so I just rounded it up to 60.

41
00:02:57,808 --> 00:02:59,851
Who gives a fuck, right?

42
00:02:59,935 --> 00:03:04,064
Plus, I'm of the opinion,
after you rape 20, same prison time,

43
00:03:04,147 --> 00:03:06,066
keep raping, I say.

44
00:03:07,776 --> 00:03:09,986
So...

45
00:03:10,070 --> 00:03:13,490
Seventy women have come forward,
all right?

46
00:03:14,991 --> 00:03:17,786
What happened is,
your Whoopi Goldbergs of this world,

47
00:03:17,869 --> 00:03:19,996
when the accusations first came out,

48
00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:22,791
they were like, "Oh, I don't know
if I believe all these women.

49
00:03:22,874 --> 00:03:25,627
They're trying to ruin his legacy,
or some bullshit like that."

50
00:03:25,710 --> 00:03:28,046
'Cause these rapes happened
in the '70s and the '80s, and they said,

51
00:03:28,130 --> 00:03:30,841
"What took these women
so long to come forward?"

52
00:03:30,924 --> 00:03:31,967
It's a good question.

53
00:03:32,050 --> 00:03:34,761
I think it's because,

54
00:03:34,845 --> 00:03:36,930
as rapes go...

55
00:03:37,639 --> 00:03:40,892
they weren't the worst rapes,
now, were they?

56
00:03:40,976 --> 00:03:44,563
He never held them down
and fucking raped them.

57
00:03:44,646 --> 00:03:47,149
He used to drug them
and finger them a bit.

58
00:03:47,232 --> 00:03:51,319
And I've had
worse Christmases with uncles.

59
00:03:55,657 --> 00:03:57,951
What I'm trying to say is this.

60
00:03:59,119 --> 00:04:01,580
If I was ever going to be raped,

61
00:04:01,663 --> 00:04:04,541
I'd like to be raped by Bill Cosby.

62
00:04:06,793 --> 00:04:11,047
'Cause I've been such a big fan of his
for so many years,

63
00:04:11,131 --> 00:04:13,508
it would just be wonderful to meet him.

64
00:04:13,592 --> 00:04:17,012
How else would I get to meet him,
you know?

65
00:04:17,095 --> 00:04:20,849
Of course, you know,
we're in the same business.

66
00:04:20,932 --> 00:04:21,975
Comedy.

67
00:04:25,937 --> 00:04:26,938
So anyway,

68
00:04:27,022 --> 00:04:29,316
he'd drug the girls' drinks
and they'd pass out.

69
00:04:29,399 --> 00:04:32,778
Now, I don't know
the plight of the attractive female.

70
00:04:32,861 --> 00:04:36,406
I don't know the hell they go through
on a daily basis.

71
00:04:36,490 --> 00:04:37,824
But I do know this.

72
00:04:37,908 --> 00:04:39,576
If someone drugged my drink,

73
00:04:39,659 --> 00:04:41,703
I would take it as a compliment.

74
00:04:42,704 --> 00:04:44,080
I'd be in the bar going,

75
00:04:44,164 --> 00:04:47,459
"I'm getting sleepy.
Who likes me? Who is it?"

76
00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:54,925
So he drugs the drink, and then
you pass out for about four hours,

77
00:04:55,008 --> 00:04:58,428
then you wake up and you're like,
"What the fuck happened?"

78
00:04:58,512 --> 00:05:03,517
And the first thing you would see
is that hysterical face of his.

79
00:05:05,602 --> 00:05:08,355
And he'd have a couple of fingers in you.

80
00:05:10,607 --> 00:05:11,691
And he'd be going...

81
00:05:14,444 --> 00:05:19,366
"With the fingering, and the drugging,
and the raping and the fingering."

82
00:05:21,243 --> 00:05:24,162
Tell me your first reaction
wouldn't be laughter.

83
00:05:25,455 --> 00:05:28,124
You'd be driving home
before the fingering upset you.

84
00:05:28,208 --> 00:05:32,587
You'd be in your car going,
"Bill Cosby! That was really something!

85
00:05:32,671 --> 00:05:36,550
No, he shouldn't have fingered me.
That was wrong."

86
00:05:36,633 --> 00:05:38,468
Now...

87
00:05:38,552 --> 00:05:41,972
I did that comedy routine, which is...
I was joking just then.

88
00:05:42,055 --> 00:05:43,431
I did that in Australia,

89
00:05:43,515 --> 00:05:48,395
and they wrote a very nasty article
about me with the headline,

90
00:05:48,478 --> 00:05:50,689
"You Cannot Joke About Rape."

91
00:05:55,694 --> 00:05:57,362
Turns out you can.

92
00:05:59,072 --> 00:06:01,408
I just fucking did it.

93
00:06:01,491 --> 00:06:04,494
And I think we can all agree
that I nailed it.

94
00:06:13,545 --> 00:06:16,798
You can joke about anything.

95
00:06:16,881 --> 00:06:17,924
A joke doesn't mean intent.

96
00:06:18,008 --> 00:06:19,884
It doesn't mean you've actually done it.

97
00:06:19,968 --> 00:06:22,637
What this lady did was
she wrote an article about me,

98
00:06:22,721 --> 00:06:27,225
and she did a transcript
of the actual routine in the article,

99
00:06:27,309 --> 00:06:28,852
wrote down every word I said.

100
00:06:28,935 --> 00:06:29,978
Now, I hate this.

101
00:06:30,061 --> 00:06:32,731
And I'll tell you why.
Because my whole skill in life

102
00:06:32,814 --> 00:06:36,610
is being able to say horrible things
and still seem likable.

103
00:06:38,194 --> 00:06:41,323
You take the whole... out of it.

104
00:06:43,241 --> 00:06:46,536
See, if you read my material...

105
00:06:48,121 --> 00:06:49,914
it's a bad read.

106
00:06:54,210 --> 00:06:57,839
If you just read,
"As rapes go, they weren't..."

107
00:06:57,922 --> 00:06:59,591
"Oh, my God!"

108
00:07:03,428 --> 00:07:06,640
See, then she started to write
and say things like,

109
00:07:06,723 --> 00:07:08,475
"It is Jim Jefferies' opinion

110
00:07:08,558 --> 00:07:11,645
that women should be happy
when they're drugged." Not my opinion.

111
00:07:11,728 --> 00:07:14,522
It was a joke I said, not my opinion.

112
00:07:14,606 --> 00:07:17,692
Not something that I think,
something that I think is funny.

113
00:07:17,776 --> 00:07:19,486
There is a big fucking difference

114
00:07:19,569 --> 00:07:23,698
between things that I think
and things that I think are funny to say.

115
00:07:25,659 --> 00:07:28,745
If you wanna know,
my actual opinion is this.

116
00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:31,915
I don't wanna be raped by Bill Cosby.

117
00:07:36,086 --> 00:07:38,964
He's a horrible fucking man
and should go to prison.

118
00:07:39,047 --> 00:07:40,507
That's what my real opinion is.

119
00:07:40,590 --> 00:07:45,178
But if I came out and said that,
you'd go, "Oh, Jim's lost his edge."

120
00:07:49,975 --> 00:07:52,686
See, people started protesting
in front of the show,

121
00:07:52,769 --> 00:07:53,812
and people stopped showing up.

122
00:07:53,895 --> 00:07:55,897
Even though the shows were sold out

123
00:07:55,981 --> 00:07:59,192
because I was being deemed
a rapist or something. Yeah, okay.

124
00:08:00,568 --> 00:08:04,948
You know who never had someone protest
their gigs because of their material?

125
00:08:05,031 --> 00:08:06,616
Bill Cosby!

126
00:08:08,702 --> 00:08:12,247
'Cause you gotta give it to Bill.

127
00:08:12,330 --> 00:08:14,332
What a dignified man.

128
00:08:15,250 --> 00:08:19,379
He never said the swear words.
He never lowered himself...

129
00:08:21,131 --> 00:08:22,465
to my level.

130
00:08:22,549 --> 00:08:25,427
What a class act he is.

131
00:08:32,434 --> 00:08:36,104
'Cause that's why
people went to see Bill Cosby,

132
00:08:36,187 --> 00:08:39,691
'cause they wanted to see
a good, clean, wholesome comedian...

133
00:08:39,774 --> 00:08:41,109
who rapes...

134
00:08:44,446 --> 00:08:49,951
rather than a person like myself, who is
just going to say horrible things...

135
00:08:50,035 --> 00:08:53,163
and rapes very occasionally,
like, hardly...

136
00:08:56,458 --> 00:08:58,960
I also got backlash
for my last special, <i>BARE,</i>

137
00:08:59,044 --> 00:09:00,211
which is also on Netflix.

138
00:09:00,295 --> 00:09:03,673
I did a lot
of misogynistic jokes on that special.

139
00:09:03,757 --> 00:09:05,091
I'm not gonna hide behind it.

140
00:09:05,175 --> 00:09:07,886
I said a lot of misogynistic things
on <i>BARE,</i>

141
00:09:07,969 --> 00:09:09,596
and I got a lot of complaint letters.

142
00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:12,974
And, look, I find it weird because...

143
00:09:13,058 --> 00:09:15,393
<i>BARE</i> was my fifth special,

144
00:09:15,477 --> 00:09:20,148
and I feel like I've been misogynistic
on all my specials...

145
00:09:21,149 --> 00:09:24,110
and I haven't gotten a complaint letter
till now.

146
00:09:24,194 --> 00:09:25,737
It just proves that, with women,

147
00:09:25,820 --> 00:09:29,324
you really have to fucking repeat yourself
before they'll listen.

148
00:09:33,536 --> 00:09:34,621
I...

149
00:09:35,747 --> 00:09:38,666
I'll defend a misogynistic joke
as I defended the rape joke,

150
00:09:38,750 --> 00:09:39,793
as I'll defend any jokes.

151
00:09:39,876 --> 00:09:41,669
It's... I'm joking.

152
00:09:41,753 --> 00:09:44,214
This is a performance. I'm an entertainer.

153
00:09:44,297 --> 00:09:45,799
This isn't a TED Talk.

154
00:09:47,050 --> 00:09:50,345
You're not meant to take
any of this fucking seriously.

155
00:09:51,304 --> 00:09:54,307
The only time the hate mail bothers me...

156
00:09:56,184 --> 00:10:00,063
is when it's directed at my girlfriend
or they write to her directly,

157
00:10:00,146 --> 00:10:01,106
the mother of my child.

158
00:10:01,189 --> 00:10:04,275
People will write to her
on Twitter or whatever,

159
00:10:04,359 --> 00:10:07,904
and say, "You have no self-respect
going out with Jim Jefferies."

160
00:10:07,987 --> 00:10:09,489
And I hate that.

161
00:10:09,572 --> 00:10:10,782
'Cause she knows that.

162
00:10:10,865 --> 00:10:11,783
She...

163
00:10:12,617 --> 00:10:16,454
She doesn't need you people bothering her.
She has fucking chores to do.

164
00:10:16,538 --> 00:10:17,705
Now...

165
00:10:24,254 --> 00:10:28,049
I got my girlfriend pregnant
after knowing her for six weeks.

166
00:10:29,634 --> 00:10:31,970
I feel... Yeah, no,
it's not good, six weeks.

167
00:10:32,053 --> 00:10:35,306
I think she wants to get married,

168
00:10:35,390 --> 00:10:38,643
and the reason I think that
is 'cause she says that a lot.

169
00:10:39,561 --> 00:10:41,146
And I don't want to get married.

170
00:10:41,229 --> 00:10:44,065
Everyone in my life
is pressuring me into getting married.

171
00:10:44,149 --> 00:10:45,775
I hate when my mother
rings me up and goes,

172
00:10:45,859 --> 00:10:49,112
"Why don't you marry the girl?
You have a child with her."

173
00:10:49,195 --> 00:10:51,573
And I'm like, "Yeah, I've got a kid.

174
00:10:51,656 --> 00:10:53,575
An 18-year commitment.

175
00:10:53,658 --> 00:10:56,536
I've signed onto that
like a bad fucking phone contract."

176
00:10:56,619 --> 00:10:58,663
I'm a great dad.

177
00:10:58,746 --> 00:11:02,667
I got 15 years left, then I'm fucking off.

178
00:11:02,750 --> 00:11:06,087
But marriage is until death.

179
00:11:07,172 --> 00:11:08,965
It's a shit contract.

180
00:11:11,676 --> 00:11:15,889
Hundred years ago, the life expectancy
of an American was 52.

181
00:11:15,972 --> 00:11:18,141
Now it's 83.

182
00:11:18,224 --> 00:11:19,559
Fuck that!

183
00:11:21,686 --> 00:11:24,272
I've got a life to live!

184
00:11:24,355 --> 00:11:27,901
If I was gonna die at 52,
sure, let's have some company.

185
00:11:29,444 --> 00:11:31,362
I would have got married in the Dark Ages,

186
00:11:31,446 --> 00:11:33,489
when 50% of women died during childbirth.

187
00:11:33,573 --> 00:11:36,534
I would have rolled the dice
on that bad boy.

188
00:11:40,496 --> 00:11:44,375
But she works out every day
and she eats kale just to spite me.

189
00:11:47,670 --> 00:11:50,715
Six weeks, she got pregnant.
Six weeks!

190
00:11:50,798 --> 00:11:52,258
I feel like I missed out on something.

191
00:11:53,217 --> 00:11:55,345
Six weeks is very quick to get pregnant.

192
00:11:56,346 --> 00:11:58,473
I missed out on the new girlfriend.

193
00:11:58,556 --> 00:12:00,391
The new girlfriend's the best time
of your life.

194
00:12:00,475 --> 00:12:03,728
That first three months
of the new boyfriend or girlfriend,

195
00:12:03,811 --> 00:12:06,814
the new relationship,
where the person's fucking perfect.

196
00:12:06,898 --> 00:12:09,651
And you're like, "Oh, my God...
I love this person."

197
00:12:09,734 --> 00:12:11,444
After a month, you're like, "This..."

198
00:12:11,527 --> 00:12:13,655
You're drinking with her like,
"She's drinking beer.

199
00:12:13,738 --> 00:12:14,864
Do you wanna watch <i>Star Wars?"</i>

200
00:12:14,948 --> 00:12:18,326
And she's like, "I do."
And you're like, "Fucking hell!"

201
00:12:18,409 --> 00:12:21,120
Yeah, and she's getting along
with your friends.

202
00:12:21,204 --> 00:12:22,538
Your mother's like,
"I think she's the one."

203
00:12:22,622 --> 00:12:24,082
You go, "I think she's the one as well."

204
00:12:26,626 --> 00:12:30,088
'Cause women can hold the psycho down
for three months.

205
00:12:31,297 --> 00:12:35,927
For three months, they can walk around
like a functioning member of society.

206
00:12:38,221 --> 00:12:41,474
Showing up at your work parties
and not crying.

207
00:12:45,395 --> 00:12:48,314
At three months and one day,
you come out of the shower,

208
00:12:48,398 --> 00:12:51,192
and she's huddled over your phone
like Gollum. Just...

209
00:12:57,198 --> 00:13:00,618
So I went from the new girlfriend,
best feeling in the world,

210
00:13:00,702 --> 00:13:03,037
to dating a pregnant chick.

211
00:13:03,997 --> 00:13:08,167
Now, no one has ever said this
and never recorded anything like this.

212
00:13:08,251 --> 00:13:10,837
No one's ever said it in a public forum.

213
00:13:12,714 --> 00:13:16,300
But the pregnant
are the worst people on Earth.

214
00:13:20,263 --> 00:13:21,806
For some reason,

215
00:13:21,889 --> 00:13:25,601
society has told us that they have
some type of glow or some shit.

216
00:13:26,811 --> 00:13:30,231
The pregnant are a bunch of cunts,
the pregnant.

217
00:13:33,317 --> 00:13:34,819
They...

218
00:13:35,361 --> 00:13:37,947
They cry when they're happy,
when they're sad.

219
00:13:38,031 --> 00:13:39,574
You don't know what fucking cry...

220
00:13:39,657 --> 00:13:43,411
And you ever tried fighting
with a pregnant person in a public place?

221
00:13:46,998 --> 00:13:49,834
Doesn't matter how right you are.

222
00:13:51,627 --> 00:13:53,838
Me and Kate,
she was seven months pregnant,

223
00:13:53,921 --> 00:13:57,175
were walking around the supermarket,
right? Walking around...

224
00:13:57,258 --> 00:13:59,844
and I got some Coco Pops
to put in the trolley.

225
00:13:59,927 --> 00:14:02,972
Now, you call them Cocoa Krispies
in this country.

226
00:14:03,056 --> 00:14:05,767
How different our cultures are. And...

227
00:14:07,351 --> 00:14:10,480
I put the Coco Pops in the shopping cart.

228
00:14:10,563 --> 00:14:11,689
"Trolley."

229
00:14:11,773 --> 00:14:13,232
And, uh...

230
00:14:15,276 --> 00:14:18,863
And Kate picked them up
and put them back on the shelf.

231
00:14:18,946 --> 00:14:20,865
It was very confusing

232
00:14:20,948 --> 00:14:24,952
'cause I'd never seen Coco Pops
go in the opposite direction.

233
00:14:28,706 --> 00:14:31,834
And my brain skipped a bit,
and I went, "Uh..."

234
00:14:37,090 --> 00:14:40,426
"I think you made a mistake there, Kate."

235
00:14:40,510 --> 00:14:44,764
And I went to get them back,
and she goes, "You're not having them."

236
00:14:44,847 --> 00:14:48,184
And I went, "But I... I always have them."

237
00:14:49,185 --> 00:14:52,230
And she went, "You're getting fat."

238
00:15:00,738 --> 00:15:05,034
So I did my drop-the-mic moment.
I picked up the Coco Pops and went...

239
00:15:09,330 --> 00:15:11,499
And she snapped and went,

240
00:15:11,582 --> 00:15:13,251
"Do you want me to lose this baby?"

241
00:15:13,334 --> 00:15:16,129
And I went,
"Um, fuck, that was quick!

242
00:15:17,338 --> 00:15:20,716
Of course I do.
You're a fucking nightmare!"

243
00:15:26,180 --> 00:15:29,934
You ever been in a bar at 4:00 a.m.,
talking to some guy,

244
00:15:30,017 --> 00:15:32,145
and he's telling you
how shitty his life is?

245
00:15:32,895 --> 00:15:36,274
And he's like,
"My dad, my dad's an asshole.

246
00:15:36,357 --> 00:15:38,359
Didn't even know my dad.

247
00:15:38,443 --> 00:15:41,237
Walked out on my mum
when she was pregnant with me."

248
00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:43,364
And I used to think, "What a dick."

249
00:15:43,448 --> 00:15:44,740
And now I'm like...

250
00:15:49,412 --> 00:15:51,831
"I'm sure he had his reasons.

251
00:15:53,666 --> 00:15:55,376
Who am I to judge, eh?"

252
00:15:56,794 --> 00:16:01,299
So she gets pregnant.
We got to go to these baby classes.

253
00:16:02,633 --> 00:16:04,594
We go to baby classes at the hospital,

254
00:16:04,677 --> 00:16:07,263
where they teach you
how to put nappies on and shit.

255
00:16:07,346 --> 00:16:09,307
And you swaddle.

256
00:16:09,390 --> 00:16:12,393
You've got the dummy,
and you swaddle it.

257
00:16:12,477 --> 00:16:14,854
And then the lady goes,
"That's a good swaddle."

258
00:16:14,937 --> 00:16:17,940
And you go, "I thought it was.
I've been practicing."

259
00:16:20,359 --> 00:16:22,737
Most of it's watching videos
from the '80s.

260
00:16:22,820 --> 00:16:23,946
They put on actual videos.

261
00:16:24,071 --> 00:16:26,032
You're meant to watch
and learn how to parent.

262
00:16:26,115 --> 00:16:29,994
One of the videos we watched
was called <i>Don't Shake the Baby.</i>

263
00:16:32,705 --> 00:16:35,458
<i>Don't Shake the Baby </i>is 40 minutes long.

264
00:16:37,418 --> 00:16:40,213
You don't need to watch
<i>Don't Shake the Baby.</i>

265
00:16:40,296 --> 00:16:43,257
All the information you need is
in the title.

266
00:16:45,843 --> 00:16:49,514
Who picks up a copy
of<i> Don't Shake the Baby</i>

267
00:16:49,597 --> 00:16:51,974
and thinks to themselves, "Oh...

268
00:16:52,934 --> 00:16:54,894
maybe there's more to this.

269
00:16:56,979 --> 00:17:00,441
But what if I'm really angry?

270
00:17:02,109 --> 00:17:05,655
What if I'm shaking my wife
and she's holding the baby?"

271
00:17:09,450 --> 00:17:11,744
The course
was basically a Tupperware party.

272
00:17:11,827 --> 00:17:13,037
Trying to sell us shit.

273
00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:15,248
And we bought a car seat, and a stroller,

274
00:17:15,331 --> 00:17:18,960
and this thing you put the bottle in
that steams and sterilizes it.

275
00:17:19,043 --> 00:17:21,254
If you don't have the steamy,
sterilizey machine,

276
00:17:21,337 --> 00:17:23,839
you gotta boil the bottles,
and that's a pain in the ass.

277
00:17:23,923 --> 00:17:28,094
All right, here's a tip.
You don't have to sterilize baby bottles.

278
00:17:28,177 --> 00:17:31,597
I stopped sterilizing Hank's bottles
after two days.

279
00:17:33,015 --> 00:17:35,393
I told Kate I was still doing it.

280
00:17:38,437 --> 00:17:40,273
But I wasn't.

281
00:17:41,357 --> 00:17:43,484
And I'll tell you why.

282
00:17:43,568 --> 00:17:46,070
Because 80% of the time,
he's being breast-fed.

283
00:17:46,153 --> 00:17:47,905
And we never sterilize those tits.

284
00:17:47,989 --> 00:17:52,618
We never had a special
steamy, cleany machine for the tits.

285
00:17:52,702 --> 00:17:55,288
In fact, for the first three weeks
after the birth,

286
00:17:55,371 --> 00:17:59,166
her cunt was all fucked up,
so I used to jack off on the tits.

287
00:17:59,250 --> 00:18:00,543
And he'd wake up

288
00:18:00,626 --> 00:18:03,212
and have a midnight feeding.

289
00:18:03,296 --> 00:18:07,508
And what I'm saying is,
no one's dead, are they?

290
00:18:08,426 --> 00:18:09,969
Like...

291
00:18:10,052 --> 00:18:13,889
Sure, he gets cold sores
and whatnot. But...

292
00:18:15,433 --> 00:18:17,435
he's different.

293
00:18:17,518 --> 00:18:20,730
He's a unique little boy. Leave him alone!

294
00:18:23,232 --> 00:18:24,650
So anyway...

295
00:18:27,695 --> 00:18:32,158
when you impregnate a person
that you don't know particularly well,

296
00:18:33,367 --> 00:18:37,663
sometimes, when it comes to parenting,
you're not on the same page.

297
00:18:37,747 --> 00:18:41,208
So me and Kate were watching <i>60 Minutes</i>,
or <i>20/20</i> or something,

298
00:18:41,292 --> 00:18:44,545
and they were doing
a story on vaccination,

299
00:18:44,629 --> 00:18:46,047
and I turned to Kate and said,

300
00:18:46,130 --> 00:18:48,257
"People who don't vaccinate their kids

301
00:18:48,341 --> 00:18:49,550
are a pain in the ass."

302
00:18:49,634 --> 00:18:52,261
And Kate said, "Hank's not vaccinated."

303
00:18:52,345 --> 00:18:54,472
And I went, "Oh, fuck."

304
00:18:56,432 --> 00:18:58,142
You know when someone says something

305
00:18:58,225 --> 00:19:02,063
and your brain goes,
"That's gonna take up a lot of your time"?

306
00:19:04,982 --> 00:19:07,526
'Cause the dynamic
of our relationship is this.

307
00:19:07,610 --> 00:19:12,448
I go on the road and tell jokes
to make the family money.

308
00:19:12,531 --> 00:19:16,744
She's meant to stay home
and make sure that Hank doesn't die.

309
00:19:18,788 --> 00:19:22,249
And, between me and you,
I think she's doing a shit job.

310
00:19:24,752 --> 00:19:27,588
And I said, "Why isn't he vaccinated?"

311
00:19:27,672 --> 00:19:30,091
And she goes,
"I think it leads to autism."

312
00:19:30,174 --> 00:19:34,470
And I went, "Oh, what medical evidence
do you have that it leads to autism?"

313
00:19:34,553 --> 00:19:35,596
And she said, "Jenny..."

314
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:38,641
And I said,
"Don't even fucking say 'McCarthy.'

315
00:19:39,558 --> 00:19:40,601
Don't even say it,

316
00:19:40,685 --> 00:19:43,312
'cause that's not evidence,
that's Jenny McCarthy.

317
00:19:43,396 --> 00:19:46,941
I have nothing against the woman.
She's a comedian and a Playmate.

318
00:19:47,024 --> 00:19:49,777
They're my two favorite types of people.

319
00:19:50,695 --> 00:19:54,657
But I don't get my medical advice
from them. It's one of my things."

320
00:19:54,740 --> 00:19:56,742
And she went, "But her son's autistic."

321
00:19:56,826 --> 00:19:58,536
And I went, "Is he?

322
00:20:01,414 --> 00:20:04,041
Is he really?

323
00:20:04,667 --> 00:20:07,378
Or is he just Jenny McCarthy's kid?"

324
00:20:10,464 --> 00:20:11,507
All right.

325
00:20:14,218 --> 00:20:19,390
"Did we expect a member of Mensa
to fall out of that woman?"

326
00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:23,352
And she said,
"What difference does it make?

327
00:20:23,436 --> 00:20:25,563
No one gets smallpox. No one gets polio."

328
00:20:25,646 --> 00:20:27,314
It's frustrating when they say that,

329
00:20:27,398 --> 00:20:30,818
because you're like,
"Because of fucking vaccination."

330
00:20:33,529 --> 00:20:36,866
I said,
"And furthermore, my mother had polio."

331
00:20:36,949 --> 00:20:39,535
That's true, Gunta had polio.

332
00:20:39,618 --> 00:20:42,997
My mother can work polio
into any conversation.

333
00:20:43,080 --> 00:20:46,459
You'll be having dinner with my mother
and she'll go, "Ah...

334
00:20:46,542 --> 00:20:48,878
maybe I will have some chocolate cake.

335
00:20:48,961 --> 00:20:51,172
'Cause I couldn't when I was young.

336
00:20:52,089 --> 00:20:53,549
I had polio."

337
00:20:55,551 --> 00:20:59,513
I believe that my mother secretly loves
the fact that she had polio,

338
00:20:59,597 --> 00:21:03,642
'cause polio does a lot of heavy lifting
for her shit personality.

339
00:21:08,147 --> 00:21:11,525
Anyway, so we fought,
and we fought, and we fought,

340
00:21:11,609 --> 00:21:12,610
and I didn't win.

341
00:21:12,693 --> 00:21:15,029
Can't win every argument.
Hank's not getting vaccinated.

342
00:21:15,112 --> 00:21:19,158
So cut to three weeks later,

343
00:21:19,241 --> 00:21:22,661
we're doing Season 2 of <i>Legit,</i>
and I had to do a medical...

344
00:21:22,745 --> 00:21:24,079
Oh, thank you.

345
00:21:26,791 --> 00:21:27,917
Um...

346
00:21:29,877 --> 00:21:31,962
I think we were
the only ones who liked it.

347
00:21:32,046 --> 00:21:33,422
I, uh...

348
00:21:33,506 --> 00:21:35,758
We're doing Season 2 of <i>Legit,</i>

349
00:21:35,841 --> 00:21:39,970
and the network are trying
to insure me for $8 million.

350
00:21:40,054 --> 00:21:41,138
That's how much a season costs.

351
00:21:41,222 --> 00:21:43,140
So I have to do a studio physical.

352
00:21:43,224 --> 00:21:44,892
And they're insuring me in case I die,

353
00:21:44,975 --> 00:21:46,685
'cause the show would've ended.

354
00:21:46,769 --> 00:21:49,814
Or if I got some mental problem
and started stabbing people.

355
00:21:49,897 --> 00:21:51,774
That would also be a problem.

356
00:21:51,857 --> 00:21:53,359
It's like a three-hour physical.

357
00:21:53,442 --> 00:21:55,903
I'm jogging on treadmills,
and psychological tests...

358
00:21:55,986 --> 00:21:57,822
I'm jogging on this treadmill
with all these things on me

359
00:21:57,905 --> 00:21:59,657
and this tube coming out of my mouth.

360
00:21:59,740 --> 00:22:01,951
I get off,
and the doctor's writing something down.

361
00:22:02,034 --> 00:22:04,537
And I thought,
"I'll slip it into conversation,"

362
00:22:04,620 --> 00:22:06,539
and I went, "Hey.

363
00:22:07,540 --> 00:22:09,333
It's, um...

364
00:22:09,416 --> 00:22:11,919
It's not that important
to vaccinate kids, is it?"

365
00:22:13,254 --> 00:22:15,589
And she went,
"Only if you want them to live."

366
00:22:15,673 --> 00:22:16,715
Right?

367
00:22:17,258 --> 00:22:21,512
She didn't even look up, right?

368
00:22:21,595 --> 00:22:23,514
And I said, "Are you serious?"

369
00:22:23,597 --> 00:22:25,683
And she goes, "Let me put it this way.

370
00:22:25,766 --> 00:22:29,728
I would not let my children
play with an unvaccinated child."

371
00:22:29,853 --> 00:22:32,690
So I thought,
"That's all the information I need."

372
00:22:32,773 --> 00:22:35,693
So behind Kate's back...

373
00:22:38,195 --> 00:22:40,573
and this is super illegal...

374
00:22:42,157 --> 00:22:45,744
and involves
forging her signature three times...

375
00:22:47,913 --> 00:22:51,041
I booked Hank in
to get all of his shots on one day,

376
00:22:51,125 --> 00:22:55,087
which the doctor didn't recommend,
but I'm a busy guy.

377
00:22:58,299 --> 00:23:00,426
Now, I was about to come home

378
00:23:00,509 --> 00:23:03,429
to pick up Hank
to take him to get his vaccination shots.

379
00:23:03,512 --> 00:23:05,848
I knew that Kate was going to be home
with Hank,

380
00:23:05,931 --> 00:23:08,142
so I knew we were
about to have the biggest fight ever.

381
00:23:08,225 --> 00:23:10,311
You know when you're
about to fight with your partner,

382
00:23:10,394 --> 00:23:12,730
but they don't know you're about to
have a fight,

383
00:23:12,855 --> 00:23:15,149
so you have the upper hand?

384
00:23:15,232 --> 00:23:19,111
So what you do is, you think horrible shit
about that person all day,

385
00:23:19,194 --> 00:23:22,573
so in case they cry,
you can enjoy yourself.

386
00:23:24,908 --> 00:23:28,245
No matter what happens,
I will always say this.

387
00:23:28,329 --> 00:23:31,624
Kate is the nicest human being
I have ever met.

388
00:23:31,707 --> 00:23:33,542
For niceness, I can't fault her.

389
00:23:33,626 --> 00:23:37,755
She is just a good soul.
She only sees the good in people.

390
00:23:37,838 --> 00:23:40,966
She will never say a bad word
about another human being.

391
00:23:41,050 --> 00:23:43,302
And... so it's weird.
So I'm driving home,

392
00:23:43,385 --> 00:23:47,222
I'm trying to think bad thoughts
about the nicest person on Earth,

393
00:23:47,306 --> 00:23:48,641
and it's really difficult.

394
00:23:48,724 --> 00:23:52,061
So I'm in my car like, "Fucking Kate.

395
00:23:53,896 --> 00:23:57,816
Who the fuck does she think she is,
fucking...

396
00:23:57,900 --> 00:23:59,818
keeping the house nice?

397
00:24:02,529 --> 00:24:04,031
Fucking bitch.

398
00:24:07,534 --> 00:24:09,078
She left that plate in the sink.

399
00:24:09,161 --> 00:24:10,954
That was a fucking nightmare.
I remember that.

400
00:24:15,292 --> 00:24:17,419
Oh, no, that was me. I did that.

401
00:24:19,838 --> 00:24:21,965
But she cleaned it up,
and that's enabling,

402
00:24:22,049 --> 00:24:25,302
and that's fucking bullshit right there."

403
00:24:25,386 --> 00:24:27,388
So I came back just fucking steaming.

404
00:24:27,471 --> 00:24:30,224
"All right, here we fucking go.
Game's on."

405
00:24:30,307 --> 00:24:33,644
I come home, she's sitting down,
lovingly playing with our child,

406
00:24:33,727 --> 00:24:35,813
and she looks up and she goes,
"Hey, honey!"

407
00:24:35,938 --> 00:24:39,358
And I went, "Don't... fucking 'honey' me!"

408
00:24:41,110 --> 00:24:45,322
And she said, "What's wrong?"
And I said, "I'll tell you what's right!

409
00:24:45,406 --> 00:24:48,659
Hank's getting vaccinated today,
and there's nothing you can do!"

410
00:24:48,742 --> 00:24:51,203
And I pick up Hank,
and she starts screaming.

411
00:24:51,286 --> 00:24:53,997
He's one,
so he's super attached to his mother.

412
00:24:54,081 --> 00:24:55,416
And he's like, "Mummy, Mummy!"

413
00:24:55,499 --> 00:24:57,918
I'm like, "Your mum
can't fucking help you now!"

414
00:24:59,586 --> 00:25:01,422
I go out to where the car's parked.

415
00:25:01,505 --> 00:25:03,465
I throw him in.
I'm doing him up in his seat.

416
00:25:03,549 --> 00:25:05,759
Kate comes out
and she starts slapping my back.

417
00:25:05,843 --> 00:25:07,302
I'm like, "Get the fuck off me!"

418
00:25:07,386 --> 00:25:09,680
She dramatically falls to the ground.

419
00:25:09,763 --> 00:25:13,100
I look up, and two of the neighbors
are out of their houses.

420
00:25:13,183 --> 00:25:17,271
They're quintessentially watching me
kidnap a child and beat up my girlfriend.

421
00:25:19,189 --> 00:25:22,234
And I'm too far gone now,
so I doubled down and went,

422
00:25:22,317 --> 00:25:25,195
"Get back in your fucking houses!"

423
00:25:25,279 --> 00:25:27,364
Then I put him in his seat.

424
00:25:28,282 --> 00:25:32,202
I got in the driver's seat
and I fucking fishtailed out of there.

425
00:25:32,286 --> 00:25:35,956
And Kate's on her knees
and she screams out, "Fine!

426
00:25:36,874 --> 00:25:39,668
But if he becomes autistic, it's on you!"

427
00:25:44,173 --> 00:25:47,676
And I thought,
"Would she consider that a win?"

428
00:25:50,637 --> 00:25:52,973
So anyway...

429
00:25:53,056 --> 00:25:54,183
I take Hank off.

430
00:25:54,266 --> 00:25:56,852
I get him all of his shots.

431
00:25:56,935 --> 00:25:58,520
I bring him home.

432
00:26:00,272 --> 00:26:02,316
And he's definitely autistic now.

433
00:26:05,986 --> 00:26:07,237
It's like night and day,

434
00:26:07,321 --> 00:26:10,032
like, the kid before the shots
and the kid after...

435
00:26:10,115 --> 00:26:12,659
Before the shots, he was this lively kid,
afterwards,

436
00:26:12,743 --> 00:26:14,578
I brought him home,
he's sitting in the corner, going...

437
00:26:15,913 --> 00:26:18,791
And I'm like, "Oh, fuck!

438
00:26:18,874 --> 00:26:21,794
Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck.

439
00:26:21,877 --> 00:26:24,171
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

440
00:26:24,254 --> 00:26:25,464
Oh...

441
00:26:26,381 --> 00:26:28,383
Oh, Kate's gonna notice this."

442
00:26:37,017 --> 00:26:42,189
And so, I did whatever I did
when I knew I was in trouble. I lie.

443
00:26:43,607 --> 00:26:45,150
So I put Hank in a BabyBjörn.

444
00:26:45,234 --> 00:26:47,945
He's hanging off me like...
hanging off my chest.

445
00:26:48,028 --> 00:26:50,447
'Cause I couldn't let him
have alone time with Kate,

446
00:26:50,531 --> 00:26:52,282
'cause Kate would see it right away.

447
00:26:52,366 --> 00:26:55,160
I know what you're thinking.
I couldn't keep that up forever.

448
00:26:55,244 --> 00:26:56,703
But I did have a plan.

449
00:26:56,787 --> 00:26:58,664
What I was gonna do was, right,

450
00:26:58,747 --> 00:27:02,501
I was gonna stand near a door
that I knew Kate was gonna come through.

451
00:27:05,963 --> 00:27:07,714
"Look what you did!" Like that.

452
00:27:12,970 --> 00:27:17,266
Okay, so anyway,
I am making light of a situation...

453
00:27:18,684 --> 00:27:20,477
that was... it was horrible, man.

454
00:27:21,812 --> 00:27:25,983
It's nice to make jokes about it now,
but at the time I was distraught.

455
00:27:26,066 --> 00:27:28,986
I didn't sleep for three days.
I couldn't eat.

456
00:27:29,069 --> 00:27:31,405
My brain was on a loop. I was so wired...

457
00:27:31,488 --> 00:27:32,948
I was rocking back and forth.

458
00:27:33,031 --> 00:27:35,784
"- Your kid's autistic.
- It's all your fault."

459
00:27:35,868 --> 00:27:39,413
So anyway, cut to three days later.

460
00:27:39,496 --> 00:27:41,790
I go to the doctor
to get the results of my physical,

461
00:27:41,874 --> 00:27:43,959
and Hank's dangling off me.

462
00:27:44,042 --> 00:27:45,961
And...

463
00:27:46,044 --> 00:27:49,298
the doctor comes in and goes,
"How are we today, Mr. Jefferies?"

464
00:27:49,381 --> 00:27:53,427
And I said, "Not good.
You told me to vaccinate Hank.

465
00:27:53,510 --> 00:27:56,471
You said, 'Vaccinate kid, good.'
But this is not good.

466
00:27:56,555 --> 00:27:59,349
This used to be a good kid.
Look at this.

467
00:27:59,433 --> 00:28:00,809
Fucking shit kid."

468
00:28:06,565 --> 00:28:08,275
And she goes, "Can you calm down?"

469
00:28:08,358 --> 00:28:10,986
I said, "No, I can't,
I haven't slept for three days.

470
00:28:11,069 --> 00:28:13,488
I'm wired, my brain's on a loop,
and I can't turn it off...

471
00:28:13,572 --> 00:28:15,073
because my kid's autistic.
It's all my fault.

472
00:28:15,157 --> 00:28:18,201
My kid's autistic. It's all my fault.

473
00:28:18,285 --> 00:28:20,537
My kid's autistic. It's all my fault."

474
00:28:21,914 --> 00:28:24,166
And she looked at my chart and said,

475
00:28:24,249 --> 00:28:29,838
"Now... you know that you
have a tendency to overreact

476
00:28:29,922 --> 00:28:32,716
because you're on the spectrum."

477
00:28:34,468 --> 00:28:36,553
"You fucking what, when?"

478
00:28:38,347 --> 00:28:40,766
"You know,
how you have little empathy,

479
00:28:40,849 --> 00:28:44,311
you don't listen when others talk,
and you don't make eye contact."

480
00:28:47,814 --> 00:28:50,317
"I've heard about the eye contact."

481
00:28:53,570 --> 00:28:57,574
She goes,
"There's nothing wrong with Hank.

482
00:28:57,658 --> 00:28:59,743
He's just drugged out right now.

483
00:28:59,826 --> 00:29:03,455
You gave him all of his shots in one day,
which I didn't recommend."

484
00:29:12,422 --> 00:29:13,590
Now...

485
00:29:18,595 --> 00:29:22,015
It's true that the next day,
Hank was back to his normal self.

486
00:29:22,099 --> 00:29:23,850
There's nothing wrong with Hank.

487
00:29:23,934 --> 00:29:26,311
But it turns out that I'm autistic.

488
00:29:32,234 --> 00:29:34,194
I don't know.
I don't know if I believe it,

489
00:29:34,278 --> 00:29:36,655
'cause the spectrum is very broad.

490
00:29:36,738 --> 00:29:39,408
Like, 1% to Ben Carsons or something.

491
00:29:39,491 --> 00:29:41,118
Uh...

492
00:29:45,163 --> 00:29:49,376
So I don't know. I think a lot of times,
people just diagnose personalities.

493
00:29:49,459 --> 00:29:52,462
I'm a bit of a dick. Can't we just...

494
00:29:53,380 --> 00:29:55,799
But it's weird.
I was 36 when they told me that.

495
00:29:55,882 --> 00:30:00,053
It's weird when you find out
that you're autistic at 36.

496
00:30:00,137 --> 00:30:01,847
'Cause it's big news for me.

497
00:30:01,930 --> 00:30:06,685
And then I rang up
everyone I knew and told them,

498
00:30:06,768 --> 00:30:08,729
and no one was surprised.

499
00:30:14,234 --> 00:30:15,736
I rang up me mum,

500
00:30:15,819 --> 00:30:18,613
and I left a message
on her voice machine like this,

501
00:30:18,697 --> 00:30:22,784
"Mum, you gotta call me back!
I have the biggest news ever!"

502
00:30:23,535 --> 00:30:27,581
And my mum rang me back and went,
"You're getting married."

503
00:30:27,664 --> 00:30:30,792
And I went, "No! I'm autistic!"

504
00:30:30,876 --> 00:30:33,628
And she went,
"Oh, everyone knows you're autistic.

505
00:30:35,630 --> 00:30:38,967
It's not that bad.
When I was a child, I had polio."

506
00:30:50,228 --> 00:30:52,773
Hank, though...
Hank... Hank's a smart kid.

507
00:30:52,856 --> 00:30:56,151
I think he's smart,
'cause he's the only kid I know.

508
00:30:57,861 --> 00:31:00,614
I don't hang out
with other kids.

509
00:31:00,697 --> 00:31:03,575
He's just turned three, but when he
was two, we put him into school.

510
00:31:03,658 --> 00:31:06,161
When he was two,
my friends used to come over all the time,

511
00:31:06,244 --> 00:31:09,790
and I was such a proud father
that I'd be like, "Hank's a genius."

512
00:31:09,873 --> 00:31:11,249
They're like, "How do you know?"

513
00:31:11,333 --> 00:31:14,002
I'm like, "What's that?"
Hank would go, "Red fire truck."

514
00:31:14,086 --> 00:31:17,714
I'd be like, "Damn fucking straight,
it's a red fire truck.

515
00:31:17,798 --> 00:31:20,884
I taught him that, 'Red fire truck.'"

516
00:31:21,593 --> 00:31:24,846
Anyway, we put him into
this preschool for two-year-olds.

517
00:31:24,930 --> 00:31:27,849
It was a fancy one in Hollywood.

518
00:31:27,933 --> 00:31:30,936
It costs a lot of money,
but the school is kind of cool.

519
00:31:31,061 --> 00:31:33,605
They teach him how to swim.
They toilet train him.

520
00:31:33,688 --> 00:31:35,107
They got this great big turtle

521
00:31:35,190 --> 00:31:38,276
that walks amongst the kids
like a shitty Jurassic Park.

522
00:31:40,862 --> 00:31:42,697
And on the first day,

523
00:31:42,781 --> 00:31:45,367
we went there to meet
the other parents, the teachers,

524
00:31:45,450 --> 00:31:46,952
and the other students and everything.

525
00:31:47,035 --> 00:31:48,995
So I show up early.
Me and Hank at the school.

526
00:31:49,079 --> 00:31:51,915
And we got there early, like an hour
before everyone else.

527
00:31:51,998 --> 00:31:55,335
And we're there, the turtle walks by,
I'm with Hank, and I went,

528
00:31:55,419 --> 00:31:59,256
"Hank, that's a turtle.
Can you say 'turtle'?"

529
00:31:59,339 --> 00:32:02,717
And then this kid walks up
and goes, "Hi, I'm Simon."

530
00:32:03,760 --> 00:32:06,263
"All right. Hello, Simon."

531
00:32:06,346 --> 00:32:10,058
And he goes, "Actually, I'm Simon III.
I'm the third Simon.

532
00:32:10,142 --> 00:32:13,520
My dad's a Simon.
His dad's a Simon, that's my grandfather.

533
00:32:13,603 --> 00:32:16,815
So, one, two, three, third Simon."

534
00:32:20,485 --> 00:32:22,487
"All right."

535
00:32:22,571 --> 00:32:24,573
"When I grow up,
I wanna be a baseball player.

536
00:32:24,656 --> 00:32:25,782
I can't decide which team

537
00:32:25,866 --> 00:32:27,993
because Mum likes the Angels
and Dad likes the Dodgers.

538
00:32:28,076 --> 00:32:31,037
So, there's a bit of conflict at home."

539
00:32:34,166 --> 00:32:36,376
"How old are you, Simon?"

540
00:32:36,460 --> 00:32:38,420
Simon did not give me his age.

541
00:32:38,503 --> 00:32:40,839
Simon gave me his date of birth.

542
00:32:42,716 --> 00:32:46,595
And it turned out that Simon
was three months younger than Hank.

543
00:32:46,678 --> 00:32:49,431
And I turned and I looked
at my fucking idiot son.

544
00:32:54,769 --> 00:32:56,980
And Hank went, "Turtle!"

545
00:33:05,864 --> 00:33:09,493
And I said, "Yes, Hank, that's a turtle."

546
00:33:11,620 --> 00:33:13,121
And then Simon went...

547
00:33:14,414 --> 00:33:15,749
"That's a tortoise."

548
00:33:22,339 --> 00:33:24,925
I didn't know that before.

549
00:33:25,008 --> 00:33:27,802
Turns out that tortoises just live
on the land,

550
00:33:27,886 --> 00:33:30,722
and turtles live in the water
and on the land.

551
00:33:31,640 --> 00:33:33,433
Simon taught me that!

552
00:33:40,315 --> 00:33:43,276
See, one of my old jokes
has come back to haunt me.

553
00:33:45,028 --> 00:33:46,988
If you're a dumb cunt...

554
00:33:55,789 --> 00:33:59,709
...and your wife or your husband
is a dumb cunt...

555
00:34:00,710 --> 00:34:04,005
guess what your fucking kids are?

556
00:34:04,089 --> 00:34:06,925
Let's just say
that Kate's not a scientist.

557
00:34:08,969 --> 00:34:12,055
See, I go to these school events
and I meet the other parents,

558
00:34:12,138 --> 00:34:13,848
and I get intimidated
when I meet educated people

559
00:34:13,932 --> 00:34:15,767
'cause I'm not super educated.

560
00:34:15,850 --> 00:34:20,689
So, whenever I meet this guy,
Simon II, that fucking cunt, right?

561
00:34:20,772 --> 00:34:22,107
Simon III's dad.

562
00:34:22,190 --> 00:34:25,569
He's a thoracic surgeon
and his wife's a pediatrician.

563
00:34:25,652 --> 00:34:28,822
And I'm chatting
to the fucking Simons, right?

564
00:34:28,905 --> 00:34:31,533
And I can't keep up with the conversation,

565
00:34:31,616 --> 00:34:35,120
but I don't wanna sound dumb,
so I just say shit.

566
00:34:35,203 --> 00:34:37,956
We're talking about politics or something,

567
00:34:38,039 --> 00:34:42,168
and I just went,
just trying to keep up, I went, "Ah...

568
00:34:42,252 --> 00:34:45,672
I reckon they should
try to catch that Benghazi guy."

569
00:34:51,803 --> 00:34:56,182
And then, everyone looks at me
like I'm an idiot, and I went...

570
00:34:59,311 --> 00:35:02,981
And Simon II goes,
"Jim, I didn't catch...

571
00:35:03,064 --> 00:35:05,442
What do you do for a living there, Jim?"

572
00:35:05,525 --> 00:35:07,360
And I went, "Um...

573
00:35:08,945 --> 00:35:10,572
I'm a comedian."

574
00:35:10,655 --> 00:35:13,700
And he goes, "Oh, me and my wife,
we just love comedy.

575
00:35:13,783 --> 00:35:16,995
We'd love to catch
one of your shows sometime."

576
00:35:18,913 --> 00:35:20,624
"You wouldn't like it..."

577
00:35:25,337 --> 00:35:28,048
He goes, "What type of comedy do you do?"
"Um..."

578
00:35:32,969 --> 00:35:34,220
"Like, um..."

579
00:35:37,390 --> 00:35:39,851
"I say 'cunt' more than anyone else.

580
00:35:41,102 --> 00:35:42,979
I...

581
00:35:45,357 --> 00:35:46,399
I...

582
00:35:47,901 --> 00:35:50,528
I'm sort of known for saying 'cunt.'

583
00:35:50,612 --> 00:35:54,324
Seven years ago, when I did
my first comedy special in America,

584
00:35:54,407 --> 00:35:57,661
the word 'cunt' was banned
in every comedy club in America,

585
00:35:57,744 --> 00:36:00,497
and then I said 'cunt'
loads on television,

586
00:36:00,580 --> 00:36:04,876
and now, people can say 'cunt'
in comedy clubs. So, I'm...

587
00:36:10,882 --> 00:36:15,345
Basically... basically,
I'm the Rosa Parks of 'cunt.'"

588
00:36:25,647 --> 00:36:29,275
Now, at this school,
they do toilet train him, right?

589
00:36:29,359 --> 00:36:33,196
But I'm not happy,
'cause it's just female staff

590
00:36:33,279 --> 00:36:37,158
and they're teaching every child
to do sit-down wees.

591
00:36:37,242 --> 00:36:41,413
It's all right for the girls,
but the boys should do a stand-up wee.

592
00:36:41,496 --> 00:36:43,957
They shouldn't be doing sit-down wees.

593
00:36:44,040 --> 00:36:47,961
Now, I like a sit-down wee
as much as the next man...

594
00:36:49,629 --> 00:36:52,757
but there is a place and a time for it.

595
00:36:52,841 --> 00:36:55,719
These are the only times
you should do sit-down wees.

596
00:36:55,802 --> 00:36:57,679
You always have to be at your house.

597
00:36:57,762 --> 00:37:01,558
You can't do it in other people's houses.
It's weird.

598
00:37:01,641 --> 00:37:03,643
You have to be at your house

599
00:37:03,727 --> 00:37:05,019
and drunk.

600
00:37:07,439 --> 00:37:09,607
And then you'll be like,

601
00:37:09,691 --> 00:37:12,068
"Oh, I'm gonna have a lovely sit-down wee.

602
00:37:12,152 --> 00:37:15,947
Oh, yeah, I'll...
I'll treat meself. Whoa."

603
00:37:21,161 --> 00:37:24,539
"I'll go back downstairs in a second.
I won't fall asleep. Stay awake.

604
00:37:24,622 --> 00:37:27,417
Come on, have a little sit-down wee."

605
00:37:27,500 --> 00:37:30,086
And the other time
you can have a sit-down wee

606
00:37:30,170 --> 00:37:32,005
is if you wake up
in the middle of the night

607
00:37:32,088 --> 00:37:34,674
and you wanna go to the toilet,
but you don't wanna turn the light on

608
00:37:34,758 --> 00:37:37,719
because it'll hurt your eyes
and you'll wake up too much.

609
00:37:41,014 --> 00:37:42,640
So, what you do is,

610
00:37:42,724 --> 00:37:44,976
out of respect,
so you don't piss everywhere,

611
00:37:45,059 --> 00:37:46,227
you have a sit-down wee.

612
00:37:46,311 --> 00:37:49,773
And that's always a sleepy...
"All right, you lovely wee."

613
00:37:50,690 --> 00:37:53,401
And because you're sitting,
sometimes your asshole goes,

614
00:37:53,485 --> 00:37:56,237
"Are we pooing?"

615
00:37:56,321 --> 00:37:58,490
And you're like, "No, we're not pooing.

616
00:37:58,573 --> 00:38:01,534
We're just having a sit-down wee.
I'm sorry."

617
00:38:02,744 --> 00:38:05,246
"Oh, I thought we were pooing."

618
00:38:05,330 --> 00:38:09,751
"No, no, no.
We'll see you in the morning, asshole."

619
00:38:12,796 --> 00:38:16,049
And I want him to be good
at the sit-down wee.

620
00:38:16,132 --> 00:38:18,551
It's important to me.

621
00:38:18,635 --> 00:38:22,555
Because... Do you remember
when you were about seven?

622
00:38:22,639 --> 00:38:25,934
A weirdly sort-of-old-age like seven,

623
00:38:26,017 --> 00:38:28,478
and all the boys at school
would go to have a piss.

624
00:38:28,561 --> 00:38:30,647
They'd walk up, and undo their belt,

625
00:38:30,730 --> 00:38:32,607
undo their fly, pull out their dick,

626
00:38:32,690 --> 00:38:33,733
and have a piss.

627
00:38:33,817 --> 00:38:37,737
And then there was that one kid,
for whatever reason,

628
00:38:37,821 --> 00:38:41,491
had to have his pants and his underwear
down by his ankles.

629
00:38:45,161 --> 00:38:49,874
And he'd stand there with his asshole
hanging out of the bottom of his shirt.

630
00:38:52,961 --> 00:38:55,797
"This is how I've always done it."

631
00:38:59,175 --> 00:39:02,846
Yeah, Hank, he got toilet-trained
just under the wire,

632
00:39:02,929 --> 00:39:04,055
'cause he's three now,

633
00:39:04,138 --> 00:39:06,766
and he got toilet-trained
just before his birthday.

634
00:39:06,850 --> 00:39:09,310
You wanna be toilet-trained
before you turn three.

635
00:39:09,435 --> 00:39:10,812
After that, it gets weird.

636
00:39:10,895 --> 00:39:14,440
There's people in the crowd who have
a 4-year-old who isn't toilet-trained.

637
00:39:14,524 --> 00:39:16,901
And you're feeling shame
right now, I know,

638
00:39:16,985 --> 00:39:18,736
'cause I have friends with 4-year-olds...

639
00:39:18,820 --> 00:39:20,238
See, this is the rule in life.

640
00:39:20,321 --> 00:39:21,739
You're allowed to shit your pants

641
00:39:21,823 --> 00:39:25,702
in the first and the last three years
of your life.

642
00:39:25,785 --> 00:39:28,329
Everything else gets odd, right?

643
00:39:29,581 --> 00:39:33,668
Now, a 4-year-old
shouldn't be shitting their pants

644
00:39:33,751 --> 00:39:36,796
'cause you can have a conversation
with a 4-year-old.

645
00:39:36,880 --> 00:39:39,299
And you should never be able
to have a conversation

646
00:39:39,382 --> 00:39:42,135
with someone who's shitting their pants.

647
00:39:43,386 --> 00:39:46,389
So my mates are over my house.
I've got pinball machines.

648
00:39:46,472 --> 00:39:48,808
We're playing pinball,
and his son walks up,

649
00:39:48,892 --> 00:39:52,729
and, dead set, this was the conversation.
His son walks up like this.

650
00:39:54,105 --> 00:39:55,440
"Hey, Dad.

651
00:39:56,107 --> 00:39:58,902
You're gonna have to change me, mate.
I just shit my pants."

652
00:40:03,072 --> 00:40:07,744
And the dad was so embarrassed,
he was like, "Don't! Stop that! Oh!

653
00:40:08,870 --> 00:40:11,706
Can you please stop shitting your pants?"

654
00:40:11,789 --> 00:40:14,375
And the son responded like this...

655
00:40:17,128 --> 00:40:20,089
"Are we gonna
have this argument every time?"

656
00:40:24,636 --> 00:40:27,138
So I went to Kate,
'cause he was about to turn three,

657
00:40:27,221 --> 00:40:30,516
and I said, "Kate,
Hank's gotta stop shitting his pants."

658
00:40:30,600 --> 00:40:33,561
So, she read a book, and
comes to me with this information.

659
00:40:33,645 --> 00:40:37,815
"You have to start
shitting in front of Hank."

660
00:40:41,444 --> 00:40:44,656
And I went,
"I don't wanna shit in front of Hank.

661
00:40:44,739 --> 00:40:46,741
What have I gotta
shit in front of Hank for?"

662
00:40:46,824 --> 00:40:49,202
She goes, "It says in the book
that he's a caveman,

663
00:40:49,285 --> 00:40:50,453
if he's left to his own devices,

664
00:40:50,536 --> 00:40:52,789
he'll shit in his hand
and chuck it at us."

665
00:41:01,714 --> 00:41:05,385
And she goes, "He's like,
'Monkey see, monkey do.'

666
00:41:05,468 --> 00:41:06,886
He's gotta see someone using the seat.

667
00:41:06,970 --> 00:41:09,514
He's gotta see someone
using the toilet paper..."

668
00:41:09,597 --> 00:41:10,640
You know, that type of stuff.

669
00:41:10,723 --> 00:41:14,018
And I said,
"Why don't you shit in front of Hank?"

670
00:41:14,102 --> 00:41:17,855
She goes, "He has to see the cock
and balls, or he'll get confused."

671
00:41:20,191 --> 00:41:22,902
For a while there,
I was shitting in front of Hank.

672
00:41:26,114 --> 00:41:28,408
Man, it was a big adjustment for me.

673
00:41:30,118 --> 00:41:34,539
'Cause my shits used to be
these quiet, dignified affairs.

674
00:41:34,622 --> 00:41:38,501
I'd be watching the TV,
I'd feel a shit come on...

675
00:41:45,591 --> 00:41:47,719
I'd leave to the bathroom...

676
00:41:51,681 --> 00:41:53,224
I'd have my shit,

677
00:41:53,307 --> 00:41:55,685
I'd come back into the living room,

678
00:41:55,768 --> 00:41:57,687
and nine times out of ten,

679
00:41:57,770 --> 00:42:00,648
I wouldn't even tell anyone
where I'd been.

680
00:42:04,944 --> 00:42:07,905
But then, my shits
became like family events.

681
00:42:12,035 --> 00:42:13,995
I'd feel a shit come on...

682
00:42:16,664 --> 00:42:18,458
"All right, everyone!

683
00:42:20,793 --> 00:42:23,212
Daddy's got a shit in the chamber!

684
00:42:24,797 --> 00:42:28,134
Who wants to come
and see a professional at work?"

685
00:42:31,179 --> 00:42:34,098
Anyway, I chickened out of it
for like two weeks.

686
00:42:34,182 --> 00:42:36,934
I wouldn't shit in front of Hank.
Then, I got the guts.

687
00:42:37,018 --> 00:42:39,562
So me and Kate are watching TV.
The TV is there. We're on the couch.

688
00:42:39,645 --> 00:42:41,689
Hank's over there playing with his toys.

689
00:42:41,773 --> 00:42:43,024
And I feel a shit come on.

690
00:42:49,030 --> 00:42:50,490
"I've got one."

691
00:42:52,575 --> 00:42:56,204
And she said, "I think it's time."

692
00:42:56,287 --> 00:42:57,580
"Okay."

693
00:43:08,883 --> 00:43:10,301
"G'day, mate.

694
00:43:12,470 --> 00:43:14,388
You're coming with me."

695
00:43:23,898 --> 00:43:27,360
And we went into the toilet,
and I shut the door,

696
00:43:27,443 --> 00:43:29,946
and I pulled me pants
and me underwear down.

697
00:43:30,029 --> 00:43:32,198
Now, he knew it wasn't a normal day.

698
00:43:37,203 --> 00:43:39,831
He looked very upset.

699
00:43:39,914 --> 00:43:41,749
And I'm fucking autistic.

700
00:43:46,212 --> 00:43:49,006
Neither of us were making eye contact.
We were both...

701
00:43:56,013 --> 00:43:58,057
So I thought,
"I better get down to business."

702
00:43:58,141 --> 00:44:01,102
And I looked at him, I said,
"Oh, all right, son...

703
00:44:02,687 --> 00:44:04,480
first things first.

704
00:44:04,564 --> 00:44:07,650
You gotta tuck your cock and balls
between your legs

705
00:44:07,733 --> 00:44:10,570
so that your penis is facing downwards.

706
00:44:10,653 --> 00:44:14,407
Because where there is poo,
there will always be wee.

707
00:44:17,618 --> 00:44:20,621
Now, because you're a Jefferies,

708
00:44:20,705 --> 00:44:24,458
we don't have
what they call 'big penises.'

709
00:44:28,754 --> 00:44:32,675
So, what you do is, you put your legs
a little bit together like that...

710
00:44:34,218 --> 00:44:36,971
to stop your penis from popping back up.

711
00:44:39,140 --> 00:44:41,851
You're seeing it, aren't you?
Yeah.

712
00:44:41,934 --> 00:44:44,520
You see how I look like Mummy now?
Yeah, yeah."

713
00:44:46,147 --> 00:44:48,941
Yeah, it's funny, isn't it? It's funny.
Yeah, yeah.

714
00:44:49,025 --> 00:44:51,193
You don't know
what I do for a living, son.

715
00:44:51,277 --> 00:44:54,488
You don't know, but I tell jokes.
I write jokes, you know.

716
00:44:54,572 --> 00:44:57,783
It's always upset me that
no matter how hard I try,

717
00:44:57,867 --> 00:44:59,785
I'll never write anything as funny

718
00:44:59,869 --> 00:45:03,748
as a man putting his cock and balls
between his legs...

719
00:45:03,831 --> 00:45:07,084
and saying, 'I'm a lady, I'm a lady.'

720
00:45:09,921 --> 00:45:12,840
In fact, if you're ever at a party

721
00:45:12,924 --> 00:45:15,384
and you feel like
things aren't going your way...

722
00:45:17,303 --> 00:45:20,264
get behind a tree
and take your pants and underwear off,

723
00:45:20,348 --> 00:45:22,183
tuck your cock and balls
between your legs,

724
00:45:22,266 --> 00:45:24,852
and jump out at a woman and go,
'I'm a lady!' Like that."

725
00:45:27,146 --> 00:45:28,981
Yeah, yeah, it's good. See?

726
00:45:29,065 --> 00:45:33,152
Well, you know, you'll make more friends
than you'll lose."

727
00:45:37,657 --> 00:45:39,283
Now...

728
00:45:39,367 --> 00:45:43,496
over the course
of the last six to eight months,

729
00:45:43,579 --> 00:45:46,749
my career
has changed somewhat.

730
00:45:46,832 --> 00:45:49,460
Audiences have definitely changed.

731
00:45:49,543 --> 00:45:52,505
It used to just be white guys
the same age as me.

732
00:45:52,588 --> 00:45:55,633
Now, if you look around,
it's pretty 50-50, men and women.

733
00:45:55,716 --> 00:45:58,594
Age groups, races... It's all changed.

734
00:45:58,678 --> 00:46:02,890
And all because
of the gun control routine.

735
00:46:02,974 --> 00:46:04,642
So the gun control routine...

736
00:46:08,688 --> 00:46:09,897
got...

737
00:46:09,981 --> 00:46:12,400
got seen on so many different platforms,

738
00:46:12,483 --> 00:46:15,236
and all this stuff,
put up and taken down...

739
00:46:15,319 --> 00:46:17,321
that it's actually been seen
five times more

740
00:46:17,405 --> 00:46:19,448
than anything else I've done in my career.

741
00:46:19,532 --> 00:46:21,909
So I'm mostly known for that now.

742
00:46:21,993 --> 00:46:24,704
Which is strange,
'cause people are coming onto the shows

743
00:46:24,787 --> 00:46:27,832
'cause you're hoping
that I'll do some political satire,

744
00:46:27,915 --> 00:46:32,128
or some social commentary
or something Carlinesque...

745
00:46:32,211 --> 00:46:37,466
and how disappointing
this evening's performance must be.

746
00:46:39,385 --> 00:46:42,304
I just did 25 minutes on pooing.

747
00:46:45,683 --> 00:46:50,604
Now, the gun control routine
has been shown in most news outlets.

748
00:46:50,730 --> 00:46:53,441
It was shown in the <i>New Yorker</i>
as an article.

749
00:46:53,524 --> 00:46:56,527
It was shown in the <i>Washington Post</i>
as an article.

750
00:46:56,610 --> 00:46:59,739
It was shown on CNN as news.

751
00:47:01,741 --> 00:47:05,536
And it was shown on Fox
for different reasons.

752
00:47:10,374 --> 00:47:16,130
It's also been... it's also now shown to
the law students in Yale.

753
00:47:16,213 --> 00:47:19,967
Like they're meant to learn something
or some shit.

754
00:47:20,051 --> 00:47:23,137
Now, I appreciate all these things.
It's very nice.

755
00:47:23,220 --> 00:47:26,766
I don't know if I deserve these accolades,
or whatever the fuck they're called,

756
00:47:26,849 --> 00:47:29,560
because, I'm gonna be honest with you...

757
00:47:29,643 --> 00:47:30,686
Um...

758
00:47:31,645 --> 00:47:33,814
I made some of the statistics up.

759
00:47:33,898 --> 00:47:35,232
All right!

760
00:47:41,072 --> 00:47:43,699
This isn't real.

761
00:47:44,742 --> 00:47:46,368
Now, I made two things up.

762
00:47:46,452 --> 00:47:49,455
Now, I stand by everything I said
in the gun control routine,

763
00:47:49,538 --> 00:47:51,624
because most of the things I said
were common sense

764
00:47:51,707 --> 00:47:53,584
about safes and the guns in Australia,

765
00:47:53,667 --> 00:47:54,668
and that was correct.

766
00:47:54,752 --> 00:47:56,921
I made two statistics up. Two little ones.

767
00:47:57,004 --> 00:47:58,798
So, I'm gonna fess up right now.

768
00:47:58,881 --> 00:48:01,008
The first one is this.

769
00:48:01,092 --> 00:48:06,472
"If you have a gun, you're 80% more likely
to be shot by a gun."

770
00:48:06,555 --> 00:48:08,307
I don't know, maybe.

771
00:48:12,645 --> 00:48:15,272
That sounds like a thing, doesn't it?

772
00:48:16,565 --> 00:48:19,944
And the other one was, uh...

773
00:48:20,027 --> 00:48:23,030
"The average security guard
in America earns $16 an hour.

774
00:48:23,114 --> 00:48:26,826
Not a lot of wiggle room
to be a fucking hero."

775
00:48:26,909 --> 00:48:29,703
It turns out that
the average security guard in America

776
00:48:29,787 --> 00:48:31,914
earns $14 an hour.

777
00:48:32,832 --> 00:48:36,168
I'd like to apologize for those extra $2.

778
00:48:39,547 --> 00:48:43,676
Now, it's very weird 'cause,
over the course of my 15-year career,

779
00:48:43,759 --> 00:48:45,970
I've said horrible things about religion.

780
00:48:46,053 --> 00:48:48,139
That if you are religious,
you believe in God,

781
00:48:48,222 --> 00:48:50,224
that you've wasted your life.

782
00:48:50,307 --> 00:48:56,355
And over the course of 15 years,
from religious groups,

783
00:48:56,438 --> 00:49:00,276
I have received seven pieces of hate mail.

784
00:49:01,944 --> 00:49:04,196
Seven.

785
00:49:04,280 --> 00:49:05,865
Very manageable.

786
00:49:08,909 --> 00:49:10,995
I write back.

787
00:49:16,959 --> 00:49:20,796
And I thought that religious people
were the nuttiest cunts on the planet.

788
00:49:20,880 --> 00:49:26,385
And that was until I gave my opinion
on the Second Amendment.

789
00:49:26,468 --> 00:49:28,262
Fuck me.

790
00:49:31,682 --> 00:49:33,559
I had no idea what crazy was

791
00:49:33,642 --> 00:49:38,022
until I fucking just poked
that hornet's nest with a stick.

792
00:49:38,105 --> 00:49:40,274
"I got something to say."

793
00:49:43,360 --> 00:49:46,363
Because on a quiet day,

794
00:49:46,447 --> 00:49:50,701
I receive 20 to 40 pieces of hate mail
from gun people.

795
00:49:50,784 --> 00:49:53,579
On a quiet day. Keep up.

796
00:49:53,662 --> 00:49:55,998
I, uh...

797
00:49:59,293 --> 00:50:02,254
Twenty to forty pieces of hate mail,
and it's always the same.

798
00:50:02,338 --> 00:50:05,257
They always read exactly the same way,
etcetera.

799
00:50:05,341 --> 00:50:07,927
Now, I'm in a unique position.

800
00:50:08,010 --> 00:50:10,804
Because of the hate mail
that I receive on a daily basis,

801
00:50:10,888 --> 00:50:14,058
because I've become
the pinup boy for gun control...

802
00:50:14,141 --> 00:50:17,186
I can tell you, down to the hour,

803
00:50:17,269 --> 00:50:21,649
when an American gun owner is happy
and when they're sad.

804
00:50:22,650 --> 00:50:25,319
'Cause they don't send me hate mail
when they're sad.

805
00:50:25,402 --> 00:50:27,655
Like, when there's a massacre
in a school,

806
00:50:27,738 --> 00:50:30,449
it's a very quiet day for me.

807
00:50:30,532 --> 00:50:33,035
Or some 4-year-old
shoots their mum in the head,

808
00:50:33,118 --> 00:50:36,372
they're like,
"I'm not gonna write anything today."

809
00:50:37,539 --> 00:50:40,876
But the day that I received
the most amount of hate mail,

810
00:50:40,960 --> 00:50:44,838
when I received 782 pieces of hate mail,

811
00:50:44,922 --> 00:50:47,758
and it kind of sickened me a bit
when it happened,

812
00:50:47,841 --> 00:50:53,305
was the day of the Paris shootings,
where 128 people died.

813
00:50:53,389 --> 00:50:57,935
And that,
to a real fanatical gun person in America,

814
00:50:58,018 --> 00:51:00,145
that was the best day ever.

815
00:51:00,229 --> 00:51:05,818
They were so happy because
the French have extremely strict gun laws,

816
00:51:05,901 --> 00:51:07,820
and then people went and shot everyone.

817
00:51:07,903 --> 00:51:09,989
And so, I got letters that read like porn,

818
00:51:10,072 --> 00:51:13,117
like they were from <i>Penthouse Forum.</i>

819
00:51:13,200 --> 00:51:17,830
And every letter read the same way.
Like, "See? It happens in every country.

820
00:51:21,834 --> 00:51:24,628
It's not just us.
It's not just us.

821
00:51:25,546 --> 00:51:28,632
If they had more guns,
maybe they could've protected themselves."

822
00:51:34,847 --> 00:51:37,725
Now, I'm not going
to get into another debate

823
00:51:37,808 --> 00:51:40,102
about whether they had guns
or don't have guns,

824
00:51:40,185 --> 00:51:44,231
'cause this is all... No one knows.
No one was in that situation.

825
00:51:44,315 --> 00:51:49,570
And then, some people went as far to say
that I was a supporter of ISIS.

826
00:51:50,404 --> 00:51:52,406
Now...

827
00:51:54,533 --> 00:51:56,201
I don't like ISIS.

828
00:51:57,786 --> 00:52:00,539
I hate ISIS as much as the next man.

829
00:52:02,458 --> 00:52:03,876
Now...

830
00:52:05,711 --> 00:52:08,255
I'll tell you the problem with ISIS.

831
00:52:10,007 --> 00:52:12,092
The problem with ISIS is...

832
00:52:15,429 --> 00:52:16,555
is...

833
00:52:20,684 --> 00:52:23,103
you never see them laughing.

834
00:52:23,187 --> 00:52:26,231
They're not a jovial bunch.
That's what religion does.

835
00:52:26,315 --> 00:52:29,151
Religious people are always miserable.

836
00:52:29,234 --> 00:52:32,112
They're just such miserable cunts,
the ISIS.

837
00:52:33,155 --> 00:52:34,531
You never one of them...

838
00:52:34,615 --> 00:52:37,951
When they do the videos
before a beheading, and the guy is like,

839
00:52:38,035 --> 00:52:41,497
"Before I behead
this man, a little bit about me...

840
00:52:44,041 --> 00:52:45,834
I, well, I like Muhammad.

841
00:52:45,918 --> 00:52:47,503
Oh, shit, fuck!

842
00:52:47,586 --> 00:52:50,756
I love Muhammad.
I love...

843
00:52:52,049 --> 00:52:55,761
I enjoy beheading people, of course.
I like beheading people.

844
00:52:55,844 --> 00:52:59,765
And, uh, I like the comedy of Aziz Ansari.
I like it.

845
00:53:01,141 --> 00:53:02,893
I like Aziz.

846
00:53:02,976 --> 00:53:05,813
He's a crazy guy
with modern-day problems."

847
00:53:09,691 --> 00:53:12,945
Thank fuck the ISIS don't drink!

848
00:53:13,028 --> 00:53:14,738
You don't want drunk ISIS.

849
00:53:16,115 --> 00:53:19,326
You don't want some cunt
waking up with seven heads in his bed,

850
00:53:19,410 --> 00:53:22,162
like, "What the fuck did I do last night?"

851
00:53:25,040 --> 00:53:26,500
His friend comes in and goes,

852
00:53:26,583 --> 00:53:30,379
"You were so fucked up last night!

853
00:53:31,380 --> 00:53:35,551
We were out drinking,
and by the way, I was joking...

854
00:53:35,634 --> 00:53:37,719
There was some guy doodling on a napkin,

855
00:53:37,803 --> 00:53:40,639
and I was like, 'Hey,
he's drawing Muhammad,'

856
00:53:40,722 --> 00:53:43,308
and you fucking lost your shit, man!"

857
00:53:50,482 --> 00:53:54,027
So... politically,

858
00:53:54,111 --> 00:53:59,283
this country is in a very delicate
situation at the moment.

859
00:53:59,366 --> 00:54:02,161
It could go either fucking way.

860
00:54:02,244 --> 00:54:04,163
You got... you got two parties.

861
00:54:04,246 --> 00:54:05,873
You got the Democrats and Republicans.

862
00:54:05,956 --> 00:54:09,168
And all they do is talk about
two subjects over and over again.

863
00:54:09,251 --> 00:54:10,752
As long as they
talk about these two subjects,

864
00:54:10,836 --> 00:54:14,756
they're fucking you up the ass with
other things that you don't notice

865
00:54:14,840 --> 00:54:16,592
because you're so fucking...

866
00:54:16,675 --> 00:54:18,719
And the rest of the world
isn't as fixated...

867
00:54:18,802 --> 00:54:23,265
Okay, two subjects.
Abortion, guns. Abortion, guns. Right?

868
00:54:23,348 --> 00:54:25,058
And so, the Democrats,

869
00:54:25,142 --> 00:54:29,354
they wanna have gun restrictions,
and they don't care about abortion.

870
00:54:29,480 --> 00:54:33,192
And the Republicans,
they hate abortion, and they love guns.

871
00:54:33,275 --> 00:54:36,320
And so, we've got a problem here, right?

872
00:54:36,403 --> 00:54:37,779
Because the Democrats are like,

873
00:54:37,863 --> 00:54:42,451
"Come on, you don't need a machine gun,
and you know you don't.

874
00:54:42,534 --> 00:54:46,788
And if your dad fucks you,
you don't have to keep that. That's cool."

875
00:54:56,298 --> 00:54:57,925
And the Republicans are like,

876
00:54:58,008 --> 00:55:01,845
"All life is precious,
unless it steps on my property."

877
00:55:12,481 --> 00:55:14,316
And then...

878
00:55:15,526 --> 00:55:17,319
you got Donald Trump.

879
00:55:21,532 --> 00:55:24,785
Now... every time
I've recorded a special...

880
00:55:24,868 --> 00:55:26,495
The other specials
I've recorded in America

881
00:55:26,578 --> 00:55:29,122
have been in New York,
San Francisco and Boston.

882
00:55:29,206 --> 00:55:32,334
And everyone's called me
a fucking pussy...

883
00:55:32,417 --> 00:55:34,336
with my liberal agenda.

884
00:55:35,754 --> 00:55:38,090
Well, I'm in fucking Nashville right now.

885
00:55:49,142 --> 00:55:53,564
And if you wanna shoot me,
now is the perfect time.

886
00:55:54,773 --> 00:55:57,150
There's eight cameras on me.

887
00:56:01,613 --> 00:56:03,907
I think we're good.
I think we're good.

888
00:56:03,991 --> 00:56:06,577
Isn't it sad that the country
has gotten to the stage

889
00:56:06,660 --> 00:56:11,707
that when you buy theater tickets, you go,
"Get ones in the aisle, so we can run"?

890
00:56:11,790 --> 00:56:13,083
Everyone wanted to get the middle.

891
00:56:13,166 --> 00:56:16,295
We're like, "No, you're sitting ducks
in the middle..."

892
00:56:19,047 --> 00:56:20,924
So anyway, Donald Trump.

893
00:56:21,008 --> 00:56:23,093
Now, don't get me wrong.

894
00:56:23,176 --> 00:56:24,845
He's a lot of fun.

895
00:56:26,638 --> 00:56:28,932
And there's a little bit of me...

896
00:56:29,016 --> 00:56:33,687
There's a little bit of me that thinks...

897
00:56:33,770 --> 00:56:35,647
"Fuck it, let's do it.

898
00:56:40,235 --> 00:56:43,697
Let's do it and see
how fucking crazy shit can get."

899
00:56:51,830 --> 00:56:55,083
Because he's just...
because what happens is,

900
00:56:55,167 --> 00:56:58,170
he says really simple shit
that means nothing,

901
00:56:58,253 --> 00:57:00,797
and then, fucking dummies... right?

902
00:57:00,881 --> 00:57:02,799
If you've ever said this sentence,

903
00:57:02,883 --> 00:57:04,968
"I like him
because he's a straight talker,"

904
00:57:05,052 --> 00:57:06,970
you're as dumb as shit.

905
00:57:12,601 --> 00:57:13,810
This...

906
00:57:18,857 --> 00:57:24,738
Just because someone says
something simple that you understand...

907
00:57:26,490 --> 00:57:28,200
doesn't mean they're a straight talker.

908
00:57:28,283 --> 00:57:30,827
You can say a complex thing
and be telling the truth.

909
00:57:31,662 --> 00:57:34,456
But, because he goes,
"I'm gonna make America great again."

910
00:57:34,539 --> 00:57:37,918
And you're like,
"I got every word in that sentence."

911
00:57:42,089 --> 00:57:44,424
He's like, "I'm gonna build a wall."

912
00:57:44,508 --> 00:57:46,426
"I have a wall at home.

913
00:57:51,139 --> 00:57:53,183
You're a straight talker."

914
00:57:55,185 --> 00:57:58,313
And then he just says shit...

915
00:57:58,397 --> 00:58:01,191
that... it won't happen.

916
00:58:01,274 --> 00:58:04,361
"Gonna build a wall
and Mexico's gonna pay for it."

917
00:58:06,989 --> 00:58:10,450
Who... I haven't heard a Mexican yet go,
"Ah, yeah, we got this."

918
00:58:10,534 --> 00:58:12,911
What are you talking about?

919
00:58:12,995 --> 00:58:16,665
What the fuck are you talking about?
That's just saying shit.

920
00:58:16,748 --> 00:58:19,835
He's like a kid running
for class president,

921
00:58:19,918 --> 00:58:24,047
who's just walking around, going,
"And we're gonna have two lunches.

922
00:58:25,215 --> 00:58:27,426
And...

923
00:58:31,138 --> 00:58:35,434
there's gonna be a soda machine
in every classroom.

924
00:58:35,517 --> 00:58:37,686
Nashville football rules!"

925
00:58:43,275 --> 00:58:45,527
But here's where it doesn't get fun.

926
00:58:46,445 --> 00:58:48,155
And that's all. It's good fun.

927
00:58:48,238 --> 00:58:50,949
But here's where it's not fun, right?

928
00:58:51,033 --> 00:58:54,911
What he does is, he preys on fear.
As soon as he...

929
00:58:54,995 --> 00:58:58,665
In the beginning, it was, "Oh, Mexicans,
they're coming over and raping."

930
00:58:58,749 --> 00:59:01,501
And then there was a terrorist attack,
and he went,

931
00:59:01,585 --> 00:59:02,836
"Oh, fuck, I'll go after the Muslims.

932
00:59:02,919 --> 00:59:04,796
We should kill the families of Muslims."

933
00:59:04,880 --> 00:59:07,716
Which, by the way,
you're not allowed to do.

934
00:59:08,633 --> 00:59:11,970
And then he started saying,
after the Paris attacks,

935
00:59:12,054 --> 00:59:15,265
"We should put every Muslim on a register,

936
00:59:15,348 --> 00:59:17,809
and we shouldn't let more refugees
come from Syria,

937
00:59:17,893 --> 00:59:21,438
and the Muslims that live here
on a register..."

938
00:59:21,521 --> 00:59:25,358
That means ISIS win.

939
00:59:25,442 --> 00:59:29,821
As soon as he says that,
ISIS have fucking won.

940
00:59:29,905 --> 00:59:33,241
Right? Because their plan
to shoot people in Paris,

941
00:59:33,325 --> 00:59:35,077
that's not their end plan.

942
00:59:35,160 --> 00:59:38,413
They didn't kill 128 people and go,
"Ah, well, that's done."

943
00:59:38,497 --> 00:59:39,623
You know what I mean?

944
00:59:39,706 --> 00:59:41,958
It's a recruitment tool.

945
00:59:42,042 --> 00:59:47,589
And the recruitment tool
can only work if hate is bred.

946
00:59:47,672 --> 00:59:50,634
Right? What he does is, he says,
"Oh, we're gonna ban them.

947
00:59:50,717 --> 00:59:51,885
We're not gonna let more in the country.

948
00:59:51,968 --> 00:59:53,303
The ones here have to be on a register."

949
00:59:53,386 --> 00:59:57,099
Now, you're a 16-year-old boy or girl
that's a Muslim living in this country.

950
00:59:57,182 --> 00:59:59,684
You've lived your entire life
in this country.

951
00:59:59,768 --> 01:00:02,104
You've always
considered yourself American.

952
01:00:02,187 --> 01:00:05,524
Then all of a sudden,
someone who could be your president says

953
01:00:05,607 --> 01:00:10,237
you are not welcome here
and that you should be put on a register.

954
01:00:10,320 --> 01:00:11,363
Now, that kid...

955
01:00:11,446 --> 01:00:15,075
How fucking quickly do you think
that kid could be radicalized now?

956
01:00:15,158 --> 01:00:17,494
Before, he wasn't gonna be
radicalized at all.

957
01:00:24,709 --> 01:00:27,087
So what he's trying to do is,

958
01:00:27,170 --> 01:00:31,174
he's trying to defeat hate with hate.

959
01:00:31,258 --> 01:00:32,968
And hate doesn't beat hate.

960
01:00:33,051 --> 01:00:36,096
It's never fucking beaten hate.
It just makes more hate.

961
01:00:36,179 --> 01:00:40,392
Now, this might be the most hippie thing
that ever comes out of my mouth...

962
01:00:42,269 --> 01:00:45,355
but it's true.
The only thing that can beat hate is love.

963
01:00:45,438 --> 01:00:49,776
Now, love doesn't always beat hate, eh?

964
01:00:50,861 --> 01:00:54,614
It doesn't always beat hate,
but it does do something. Right?

965
01:00:54,698 --> 01:00:57,200
Now, think about your own personal life.

966
01:00:57,284 --> 01:01:00,203
Think about a person who hates you
and you hate them.

967
01:01:00,287 --> 01:01:02,873
From now on,
just show that person nothing but love.

968
01:01:02,956 --> 01:01:05,709
I'm not saying that
that person will start loving you.

969
01:01:05,792 --> 01:01:08,128
They'll probably still fucking hate you.

970
01:01:09,045 --> 01:01:10,463
But one thing will happen.

971
01:01:10,547 --> 01:01:13,800
Eventually, everyone will see them
as the asshole.

972
01:01:15,218 --> 01:01:18,346
Don't be the asshole, America.
Don't be the asshole.

973
01:01:24,853 --> 01:01:30,775
So... to summarize,
you can only beat hate with love.

974
01:01:30,859 --> 01:01:33,904
Now, in saying that, I hate Muslims.

975
01:01:37,199 --> 01:01:39,868
Hang on, hang on.
I didn't finish me sentence.

976
01:01:40,869 --> 01:01:42,621
I hate Muslims, Christians,

977
01:01:42,704 --> 01:01:46,583
I hate the Amish, Buddhists,
the snake people, Jews.

978
01:01:46,666 --> 01:01:50,545
I don't know who I've missed here.
Sikhs. I hate all.

979
01:01:52,672 --> 01:01:55,884
Our fight in this world
is not against Islam,

980
01:01:55,967 --> 01:01:57,469
it's against religion.

981
01:01:57,552 --> 01:02:00,430
Be very clear about this.

982
01:02:04,059 --> 01:02:06,895
'Cause I can tell you this for sure.

983
01:02:06,978 --> 01:02:11,942
No one's head has ever been cut off
in the name of atheism.

984
01:02:12,025 --> 01:02:15,820
No one has ever cut into human flesh,

985
01:02:15,904 --> 01:02:20,450
and looked on camera and gone,
"In the name of nothing!"

986
01:02:31,127 --> 01:02:34,589
Now, let me be clear about this.
If you're religious...

987
01:02:34,673 --> 01:02:37,926
Some of you might be very nice,
but you're slowing us down.

988
01:02:40,011 --> 01:02:44,266
We're trying to move forward,
and you're in the fucking way. I'm sorry.

989
01:02:44,349 --> 01:02:48,561
See, there's a lie that you'll be told
throughout your life

990
01:02:48,645 --> 01:02:50,647
that will go along
the lines of this...

991
01:02:50,730 --> 01:02:51,982
"We have to save the planet."

992
01:02:52,065 --> 01:02:54,359
There's no bigger lie than
"we have to save the planet."

993
01:02:54,442 --> 01:02:58,655
We don't have to save the planet.
We have to save us, the human race.

994
01:02:58,738 --> 01:03:01,992
The planet does not give a fuck about us,

995
01:03:02,075 --> 01:03:04,661
and it will be happy when we're gone.

996
01:03:06,204 --> 01:03:08,206
We are in the planet's way.

997
01:03:08,290 --> 01:03:10,083
Have you seen those documentaries
where they go,

998
01:03:10,166 --> 01:03:12,919
"This is what New York will look like
one year after the human race dies,"

999
01:03:13,003 --> 01:03:15,088
and it's all covered in vines and shit?

1000
01:03:15,171 --> 01:03:16,423
The planet wants us gone.

1001
01:03:16,506 --> 01:03:20,593
As soon as we're gone, the planet will go,
"I'm gonna do dinosaurs again."

1002
01:03:20,677 --> 01:03:22,178
Right? Like...

1003
01:03:27,934 --> 01:03:29,561
So we have to save ourselves

1004
01:03:29,644 --> 01:03:32,689
in spite of the planet
trying to kick us the fuck off.

1005
01:03:32,772 --> 01:03:33,815
Right?

1006
01:03:33,898 --> 01:03:35,650
Now, imagine that...

1007
01:03:37,444 --> 01:03:40,905
the world is a train track
and society is a train.

1008
01:03:40,989 --> 01:03:44,367
As society has always had to do,
the train has to move forward.

1009
01:03:44,451 --> 01:03:46,119
'Cause if it stops moving forward,

1010
01:03:46,202 --> 01:03:48,538
we'll run out of resources
around the train

1011
01:03:48,621 --> 01:03:50,040
'cause we'll be stationary.

1012
01:03:50,123 --> 01:03:54,002
And the gears will lock up,
and the vines will take over.

1013
01:03:54,085 --> 01:03:55,628
So it has to keep going forward.

1014
01:03:55,712 --> 01:03:56,963
Now, in this train,

1015
01:03:57,047 --> 01:04:00,675
we have the people in the engine room,
who are running the show.

1016
01:04:00,759 --> 01:04:04,471
And those people in our society
who run the show are scientists.

1017
01:04:04,554 --> 01:04:06,139
These are the people inventing

1018
01:04:06,222 --> 01:04:10,018
medicines for you to live longer,
and surgeries for you to live longer

1019
01:04:10,101 --> 01:04:13,480
and finding alternative fuel sources.

1020
01:04:13,563 --> 01:04:17,108
And engineers that are making machines
that run more efficiently.

1021
01:04:17,192 --> 01:04:19,152
Right? Now,
all those people are scientists.

1022
01:04:19,235 --> 01:04:24,866
Now, whether you like it or not,
scientists are primarily atheists.

1023
01:04:24,949 --> 01:04:27,786
And they're in the front carriage,
dragging us along.

1024
01:04:27,869 --> 01:04:30,121
Now, in the second carriage,

1025
01:04:30,205 --> 01:04:34,501
we have a bunch of cunts that
I don't think get fucking enough flak.

1026
01:04:36,086 --> 01:04:37,420
Agnostics.

1027
01:04:38,546 --> 01:04:40,882
These fucking wishy-washy fucks.

1028
01:04:45,595 --> 01:04:49,808
They're all standing around
in the second carriage, going, "Who knows?

1029
01:04:51,267 --> 01:04:53,770
Maybe there is a god.
Maybe there isn't a god.

1030
01:04:53,853 --> 01:04:56,898
Maybe your god and your god
are the same god, but...

1031
01:04:56,981 --> 01:05:00,235
I know there was a Big Bang,
but who made the Big Bang?

1032
01:05:00,318 --> 01:05:04,656
I wouldn't consider myself, you know,
religious, but I am spiritual."

1033
01:05:04,739 --> 01:05:05,907
And...

1034
01:05:07,534 --> 01:05:09,327
then there's this last carriage,

1035
01:05:09,411 --> 01:05:13,748
and the last carriage is 50 times bigger
than the other two carriages combined.

1036
01:05:13,832 --> 01:05:18,336
And it's carrying the rest
of the population of the human race.

1037
01:05:18,420 --> 01:05:22,048
And it's filled with cunts
wearing hats for reasons they don't know

1038
01:05:22,132 --> 01:05:25,427
and growing beards
because they think they have to.

1039
01:05:25,510 --> 01:05:28,388
Some of the women are covering their faces
and cowering.

1040
01:05:28,471 --> 01:05:31,933
Everyone's dancing around going,
"Man on a cloud. Man on a cloud."

1041
01:05:32,016 --> 01:05:38,398
And there are so many of these cunts
that the train is hardly fucking moving!

1042
01:05:40,233 --> 01:05:43,153
And the people in the engine room
are like this...

1043
01:05:43,903 --> 01:05:47,615
"If I just pull this peg here...

1044
01:05:55,707 --> 01:05:59,169
do you know how fast we'd be moving?"

1045
01:06:01,171 --> 01:06:05,216
Oh, well... I'm not gonna change
people's opinions, I guess.

1046
01:06:05,300 --> 01:06:06,968
I don't fucking...

1047
01:06:10,513 --> 01:06:12,599
Now...

1048
01:06:12,682 --> 01:06:14,893
with the hate mail
that I get from the guns,

1049
01:06:14,976 --> 01:06:16,686
they always start the same way.

1050
01:06:16,769 --> 01:06:18,188
It always makes me laugh.

1051
01:06:18,271 --> 01:06:22,609
Every letter starts with, "Hey, buddy,
you shouldn't even say anything.

1052
01:06:22,692 --> 01:06:24,527
You're not from here."

1053
01:06:28,490 --> 01:06:30,200
That is the weakest argument ever.

1054
01:06:30,283 --> 01:06:35,205
Okay, as Americans, from now on,
don't use that argument. All right?

1055
01:06:35,288 --> 01:06:37,332
Because you're Americans.

1056
01:06:37,415 --> 01:06:41,544
It's not like, historically,
you've kept your opinions to yourself.

1057
01:06:43,588 --> 01:06:46,508
It's not like I've ever been
in a party in the UK

1058
01:06:46,591 --> 01:06:48,593
and there's an American guy there,
and I've heard this sentence,

1059
01:06:48,676 --> 01:06:49,928
"Jeez, he's a quiet chap."

1060
01:06:53,306 --> 01:06:56,142
You're the loudest people on Earth, so...

1061
01:06:58,186 --> 01:07:03,024
And then they always say this,
and this fucking spins me out.

1062
01:07:03,107 --> 01:07:06,778
"Well, I don't expect an Australian
to understand freedom."

1063
01:07:11,533 --> 01:07:14,327
What are you talking about?

1064
01:07:14,410 --> 01:07:17,455
You constantly say "freedom" all the time,
like you're...

1065
01:07:17,539 --> 01:07:20,542
"Oh, we're so free. We fight for freedom.
Freedom.

1066
01:07:20,625 --> 01:07:24,003
Come to the freedom lounge
at the airport." Like, fucking what?

1067
01:07:24,087 --> 01:07:27,257
You know when you're singing
the national anthem at the baseball

1068
01:07:27,340 --> 01:07:31,302
and the person holds the note "free"
a little bit longer than they should,

1069
01:07:31,386 --> 01:07:35,139
until all you Americans
fucking come in your pants?

1070
01:07:38,643 --> 01:07:42,814
<i>♪ For the land of the free ♪</i>

1071
01:07:47,652 --> 01:07:49,195
"We're so free."

1072
01:07:54,075 --> 01:07:56,411
Freedom this, freedom that,
free, free, free.

1073
01:07:56,494 --> 01:08:01,416
Now, I hate to break it to you,
'cause I don't think you know this.

1074
01:08:04,877 --> 01:08:08,506
There are 92 free countries on the planet.

1075
01:08:08,590 --> 01:08:10,466
Democratic, free countries.

1076
01:08:10,550 --> 01:08:13,344
You are one of them.

1077
01:08:13,428 --> 01:08:18,016
Every single English-speaking country
on Earth is free,

1078
01:08:18,099 --> 01:08:21,686
and most of the
countries are also free.

1079
01:08:27,025 --> 01:08:29,402
Now, you're very free.

1080
01:08:30,194 --> 01:08:31,779
Don't get upset.

1081
01:08:33,615 --> 01:08:36,242
And I have a wonderful...
I love America. I truly do.

1082
01:08:36,326 --> 01:08:38,828
I live here and love it.
I have nothing against...

1083
01:08:38,911 --> 01:08:42,123
And none of the things
I'm about to mention affect you...

1084
01:08:42,206 --> 01:08:45,460
affect me in any way, right?

1085
01:08:45,543 --> 01:08:48,171
You may not be the freest place on Earth.

1086
01:08:53,343 --> 01:08:55,094
Just a quick example,

1087
01:08:55,178 --> 01:08:58,806
out of the 92 free countries
on the planet,

1088
01:08:58,890 --> 01:09:01,976
you have the highest rate
of incarceration.

1089
01:09:02,060 --> 01:09:04,896
One percent of your adult population
is in prison.

1090
01:09:04,979 --> 01:09:09,484
That's double that of the country that
comes in second, which is South Africa.

1091
01:09:09,567 --> 01:09:13,279
If you've ever been to South Africa,
South Africa is fucked.

1092
01:09:15,406 --> 01:09:18,701
So you're double that of South Africa.

1093
01:09:18,785 --> 01:09:23,122
So, statistically,
in the land of the free,

1094
01:09:23,206 --> 01:09:26,000
you have the least amount of free people.

1095
01:09:34,759 --> 01:09:39,806
Now, this is a super simple one.
Super simple argument.

1096
01:09:39,889 --> 01:09:42,016
In Holland,

1097
01:09:42,100 --> 01:09:46,437
you can smoke weed whilst fucking a hooker

1098
01:09:46,521 --> 01:09:48,231
in front of a cop.

1099
01:09:51,693 --> 01:09:55,196
How dare Holland not be called
the land of the free?

1100
01:09:56,864 --> 01:10:00,201
Do you honestly think
you're competing with Holland?

1101
01:10:03,496 --> 01:10:05,039
In Canada,

1102
01:10:05,123 --> 01:10:09,419
just last year, they legalized
assisted suicide for the sick,

1103
01:10:09,502 --> 01:10:12,213
which, I believe,
is the biggest freedom of them all.

1104
01:10:12,296 --> 01:10:13,423
It's your life.

1105
01:10:13,506 --> 01:10:17,093
No government, no religious group
should ever tell you...

1106
01:10:20,138 --> 01:10:22,265
when you get to check out.

1107
01:10:23,433 --> 01:10:26,352
If you're a pro-life person, good.

1108
01:10:26,436 --> 01:10:30,148
Do it with your life, not mine. Right?

1109
01:10:30,231 --> 01:10:32,692
Now...

1110
01:10:32,775 --> 01:10:33,818
'Cause...

1111
01:10:33,901 --> 01:10:35,570
Also, I don't think
they've thought about it.

1112
01:10:35,653 --> 01:10:39,449
I don't think there's even
the most evangelical Christian,

1113
01:10:39,532 --> 01:10:43,327
who's a burn victim, just hanging
on to life support in a hospital, just...

1114
01:10:44,746 --> 01:10:45,830
"I feel so free."

1115
01:10:48,249 --> 01:10:50,418
And I'm so glad
they're doing it in Canada,

1116
01:10:50,501 --> 01:10:55,173
because if I ever had an assisted suicide,
I'd want it to be a Canadian doctor.

1117
01:10:56,674 --> 01:10:58,760
I want some guy
rocking up to my house like,

1118
01:10:58,843 --> 01:11:01,304
"Okay. All righty, then...

1119
01:11:03,014 --> 01:11:06,225
So I hear that someone's
given up on life, eh?

1120
01:11:07,977 --> 01:11:11,481
All right, let me set up my little
death machine here, and I'll...

1121
01:11:11,564 --> 01:11:15,026
I'm gonna put this in your vein,
and you're gonna be so sleepy so soon.

1122
01:11:15,109 --> 01:11:16,194
I tell you what, there."

1123
01:11:22,366 --> 01:11:27,872
In Australia, maybe 20 years ago,
they legalized prostitution.

1124
01:11:27,955 --> 01:11:31,375
They thought it'd be the downfall
of our society, but it wasn't.

1125
01:11:31,459 --> 01:11:33,252
It was a great thing.
In Sydney, where I grew up,

1126
01:11:33,336 --> 01:11:36,005
the streets always had hookers
walking around,

1127
01:11:36,088 --> 01:11:39,300
there was needles, and it was
a very seedy city in some parts.

1128
01:11:39,383 --> 01:11:41,594
And then they legalized prostitution.

1129
01:11:41,677 --> 01:11:43,805
They moved all the hookers into brothels.

1130
01:11:43,888 --> 01:11:47,934
And because they moved into brothels,
all the girls had to be tested for STDs.

1131
01:11:48,017 --> 01:11:51,312
And then, the guys,
they could see the tests as they go in,

1132
01:11:51,395 --> 01:11:52,730
so it was safer for the men.

1133
01:11:52,814 --> 01:11:54,273
But it was also safer for the women

1134
01:11:54,357 --> 01:11:56,484
'cause they put security
in these brothels.

1135
01:11:56,567 --> 01:11:58,861
So if you showed up like a drunk idiot,
they wouldn't let you in.

1136
01:11:58,945 --> 01:12:01,113
Or if you got aggro,
they'd kick you the fuck out.

1137
01:12:01,197 --> 01:12:03,282
So the girls were safer,
the men were safer.

1138
01:12:03,366 --> 01:12:06,953
Human trafficking was all but eliminated.

1139
01:12:07,036 --> 01:12:10,414
And tax revenue went up.

1140
01:12:10,498 --> 01:12:13,376
And the divorce rate dropped by 8%.

1141
01:12:16,879 --> 01:12:20,633
There is no downside
to legalized prostitution.

1142
01:12:20,716 --> 01:12:24,762
Now, in America,
prostitution is illegal...

1143
01:12:24,846 --> 01:12:26,514
unless you film it.

1144
01:12:28,349 --> 01:12:32,228
How is that possible?
How the fuck is that possible?

1145
01:12:32,311 --> 01:12:35,523
How do you have
the biggest porn industry in the world,

1146
01:12:35,606 --> 01:12:37,567
and you still have illegal prostitution?

1147
01:12:37,650 --> 01:12:40,319
Because it is legal
to pay a woman for sex,

1148
01:12:40,403 --> 01:12:43,155
but your friend Dave
has to be in the corner with a camera.

1149
01:12:44,282 --> 01:12:46,117
And Dave has to film it.

1150
01:12:46,200 --> 01:12:48,578
And Dave has to promise
to put it on the Internet,

1151
01:12:48,661 --> 01:12:50,496
'cause if Dave doesn't,

1152
01:12:50,580 --> 01:12:52,999
then a crime has been committed.

1153
01:12:53,082 --> 01:12:56,335
And that girl can be 18 years old.

1154
01:12:56,419 --> 01:13:00,131
And then, she can be surrounded
by ten men that she barely knows,

1155
01:13:00,214 --> 01:13:02,884
and they can all jack off onto her face

1156
01:13:02,967 --> 01:13:05,261
until she's glazed with come.

1157
01:13:07,388 --> 01:13:10,308
And no crime has been committed.

1158
01:13:11,642 --> 01:13:16,314
But in America, and only in America,

1159
01:13:16,397 --> 01:13:18,691
she's too young to have a beer.

1160
01:13:20,735 --> 01:13:23,613
If anyone deserves a beer...

1161
01:13:25,281 --> 01:13:29,702
in the land of the free,
the home of the brave...

1162
01:13:30,703 --> 01:13:33,789
it's the girl
with ten loads of come on her face.

1163
01:13:34,832 --> 01:13:37,293
In fact, if you have
ten loads of come on your face,

1164
01:13:37,376 --> 01:13:39,629
you should get free drinks
wherever you go.

1165
01:13:41,380 --> 01:13:43,466
You seem like a fun girl...

1166
01:13:44,675 --> 01:13:46,802
or a heavy sleeper.

1167
01:13:55,186 --> 01:13:56,938
Now...

1168
01:13:57,063 --> 01:13:58,606
before I go...

1169
01:14:00,066 --> 01:14:01,651
Um...

1170
01:14:03,235 --> 01:14:05,780
My son turned three,

1171
01:14:05,863 --> 01:14:09,659
and my girlfriend made me
write him a letter on his third birthday

1172
01:14:09,742 --> 01:14:11,535
for him to open when he was 18.

1173
01:14:11,619 --> 01:14:13,871
I don't know fucking why.

1174
01:14:13,955 --> 01:14:16,624
You know when chicks go,
"You need to do this thing"?

1175
01:14:16,707 --> 01:14:19,627
I'm like, "Why?

1176
01:14:19,710 --> 01:14:22,421
I have 15 years. Why?"

1177
01:14:22,505 --> 01:14:24,840
But I did it, you know.
So I wrote the letter.

1178
01:14:24,924 --> 01:14:28,010
And I'm really bad
at writing things on paper.

1179
01:14:28,094 --> 01:14:31,764
I've got terrible handwriting.
I'm basically illiterate and a fucking...

1180
01:14:32,848 --> 01:14:34,225
And so, I'm like,

1181
01:14:34,308 --> 01:14:38,354
"Dear Hank, so you're a man now.

1182
01:14:38,437 --> 01:14:41,399
I'm sure you've made me very proud.

1183
01:14:41,482 --> 01:14:44,860
Unless, of course,
you're a drug addict or something.

1184
01:14:45,861 --> 01:14:49,490
Come to think of it,
there are many ways to disappoint me.

1185
01:14:52,952 --> 01:14:56,539
Who knows?
I might be dead by now.

1186
01:14:56,622 --> 01:15:00,251
Or you might be dead,
and I'm reading this whilst crying."

1187
01:15:06,048 --> 01:15:07,216
I, um...

1188
01:15:08,217 --> 01:15:10,761
So, I'm writing the letter,
I just... I thought,

1189
01:15:10,845 --> 01:15:14,348
"Little life tips,
things that you should do in life."

1190
01:15:14,432 --> 01:15:16,600
So the next thing I wrote was this.

1191
01:15:16,684 --> 01:15:19,520
"A wise man once said,

1192
01:15:19,603 --> 01:15:21,605
'Try not to be a cunt.'"

1193
01:15:31,365 --> 01:15:34,618
And then, I just gave him
little bits of advice like,

1194
01:15:34,702 --> 01:15:37,079
"If you get a parking ticket,
pay it right away.

1195
01:15:37,163 --> 01:15:39,665
Don't leave it.
It's a pain in the ass.

1196
01:15:39,749 --> 01:15:42,710
And always love your mum."
And I mean this.

1197
01:15:42,793 --> 01:15:47,214
If my son's watching this at 18 right now,
watching me perform...

1198
01:15:47,298 --> 01:15:52,470
No person has ever loved you
more than your mother loves you,

1199
01:15:52,553 --> 01:15:54,972
so you always be good to that woman.

1200
01:15:55,056 --> 01:15:56,807
And then...

1201
01:15:59,727 --> 01:16:01,562
And then, I wrote about...

1202
01:16:01,645 --> 01:16:03,272
I just thought I'd tell him about

1203
01:16:03,355 --> 01:16:05,357
the good and bad things in my life,

1204
01:16:05,441 --> 01:16:08,027
and the things I did well
and didn't do well.

1205
01:16:08,110 --> 01:16:10,237
And I've been very open about this,

1206
01:16:10,321 --> 01:16:12,990
and I feel like by being open about this,
it helps others.

1207
01:16:13,074 --> 01:16:16,202
I don't know, but I've always...

1208
01:16:16,285 --> 01:16:20,247
Fairly severe depression my whole life.
Suicidal at times.

1209
01:16:20,331 --> 01:16:23,501
And, it's a very selfish thing,
depression,

1210
01:16:23,584 --> 01:16:26,879
because I know my life's good
and I can't wrap my brain around it.

1211
01:16:26,962 --> 01:16:29,381
I just... I don't...

1212
01:16:29,465 --> 01:16:31,342
Right now, my brain's going,

1213
01:16:31,425 --> 01:16:34,220
"Maybe this special
isn't as good as the last one."

1214
01:16:35,554 --> 01:16:37,973
And so, I've never really enjoyed success.

1215
01:16:38,057 --> 01:16:41,102
I've never really had pure happiness
like some people do.

1216
01:16:41,185 --> 01:16:43,938
I'm such a pessimist.

1217
01:16:44,021 --> 01:16:45,731
When you meet these people who go,

1218
01:16:45,815 --> 01:16:50,152
"You're such a glass-half-empty
sort of guy."

1219
01:16:50,236 --> 01:16:53,364
I'm like,
"These glass-half-full cunts, fuck them."

1220
01:16:55,449 --> 01:16:56,659
You know what I mean?

1221
01:16:56,742 --> 01:16:59,912
I've never met
a successful glass-half-full cunt.

1222
01:16:59,995 --> 01:17:03,249
You'll never be anything
if you think the glass is half full.

1223
01:17:03,332 --> 01:17:04,834
If you want to get ahead,

1224
01:17:04,917 --> 01:17:08,212
walk in the room and go,
"Why isn't that fucking glass full?"

1225
01:17:11,882 --> 01:17:15,219
Anyway, so I thought about
what would make me happy,

1226
01:17:15,302 --> 01:17:18,347
what would've made me happy,
what makes other people happy.

1227
01:17:18,430 --> 01:17:22,768
And so I wrote to him, I said,
"I think the secret to happiness is this.

1228
01:17:25,187 --> 01:17:27,982
The secret to happiness...

1229
01:17:28,065 --> 01:17:29,900
is being good-looking.

1230
01:17:32,736 --> 01:17:36,198
Now, throughout your life,
people will lie to you and say things like

1231
01:17:36,282 --> 01:17:40,035
'kindness,' or 'being good to others,'
or 'family' or some shit."

1232
01:17:43,831 --> 01:17:47,418
The only way to truly be happy
in this world is to be good-looking.

1233
01:17:47,501 --> 01:17:49,587
Now, in this world, we have everything

1234
01:17:49,670 --> 01:17:51,672
from one,
being the ugliest person on Earth,

1235
01:17:51,755 --> 01:17:53,716
to ten,
being the best-looking person on Earth,

1236
01:17:53,799 --> 01:17:56,093
and we have everything in between.

1237
01:17:56,177 --> 01:17:57,261
And there's very few ones,

1238
01:17:57,344 --> 01:17:59,096
very few twos,
and very few threes.

1239
01:17:59,180 --> 01:18:03,267
And four, five, six
is the meat of the bell curve.

1240
01:18:03,350 --> 01:18:06,270
That's where 95% of the population
is average-looking.

1241
01:18:06,353 --> 01:18:08,689
Four, five, six,
and seven, eight, nine, ten.

1242
01:18:08,772 --> 01:18:13,277
Now... I've been looking out
at the audience here.

1243
01:18:15,279 --> 01:18:16,655
Uh...

1244
01:18:16,739 --> 01:18:19,241
Pretty good. Like...
I've spotted an eight.

1245
01:18:20,284 --> 01:18:22,995
Or what they call an LA six.

1246
01:18:23,078 --> 01:18:24,997
I...

1247
01:18:26,832 --> 01:18:28,542
But, uh...

1248
01:18:28,626 --> 01:18:31,420
I spotted an eight.
That's pretty good in Nashville, man.

1249
01:18:31,503 --> 01:18:33,047
Don't be offended.

1250
01:18:33,130 --> 01:18:35,966
Tens are super rare.

1251
01:18:36,050 --> 01:18:38,719
There's never been a ten
in my audience, ever.

1252
01:18:38,802 --> 01:18:40,804
I don't think tens
come to things like this.

1253
01:18:40,888 --> 01:18:45,184
I think tens are sitting at home
with other tens going, "I'm so happy."

1254
01:18:45,267 --> 01:18:46,936
Eh?

1255
01:18:51,273 --> 01:18:53,734
And nines are as rare as tens, almost.

1256
01:18:53,817 --> 01:18:55,694
A nine is just an imperfect ten.

1257
01:18:55,778 --> 01:18:58,197
A nine is like a ten with a fucked-up toe.

1258
01:19:02,743 --> 01:19:04,286
So, an eight's pretty good.

1259
01:19:04,370 --> 01:19:07,081
Now, regrettably...

1260
01:19:08,582 --> 01:19:11,710
there is a two in the audience.

1261
01:19:12,670 --> 01:19:15,089
Now, I'm not gonna point you out.

1262
01:19:15,172 --> 01:19:17,549
You know who you are.

1263
01:19:21,887 --> 01:19:25,516
There are no ones.
Ones are as rare as tens.

1264
01:19:25,599 --> 01:19:28,686
I've seen about five ones in my life.

1265
01:19:30,145 --> 01:19:33,357
They... Ones don't really leave the house.
They...

1266
01:19:34,775 --> 01:19:37,987
they know they upset the rest of us.

1267
01:19:39,655 --> 01:19:41,240
The only time you catch a one

1268
01:19:41,323 --> 01:19:44,868
is they're going to
a doctor's appointment or something.

1269
01:19:44,952 --> 01:19:46,662
And it really is upsetting.

1270
01:19:46,745 --> 01:19:50,082
You walk by, they're normally
being lifted out of a minivan

1271
01:19:50,165 --> 01:19:53,002
with a special crane onto a special chair.

1272
01:19:53,085 --> 01:19:58,090
And when you see a one,
it does ruin your day, doesn't it?

1273
01:19:59,133 --> 01:20:02,678
You walk by the one
and you're like, "Oh, fuck me.

1274
01:20:05,431 --> 01:20:08,684
Oh, that's a fucking one
if ever I've seen one."

1275
01:20:10,060 --> 01:20:12,688
You get to work and you can't focus,

1276
01:20:12,771 --> 01:20:14,023
and your boss is like, "What's wrong?"

1277
01:20:14,106 --> 01:20:17,568
And you're like,
"I saw a fucking one, didn't I?"

1278
01:20:17,651 --> 01:20:19,903
And they're like,
"Oh, it couldn't have been that..."

1279
01:20:19,987 --> 01:20:22,573
"It was that bad!

1280
01:20:22,656 --> 01:20:24,241
You weren't there!

1281
01:20:24,325 --> 01:20:27,119
This is bullshit!
I was gonna eat today."

1282
01:20:30,414 --> 01:20:32,624
Now, in case anyone's wondering...

1283
01:20:33,709 --> 01:20:35,669
and I know you're not...

1284
01:20:36,795 --> 01:20:38,547
I'm a five.

1285
01:20:39,465 --> 01:20:41,717
The reason I know I'm a five
is 'cause, as I said,

1286
01:20:41,800 --> 01:20:44,887
95% of the population is four, five, six,

1287
01:20:44,970 --> 01:20:46,555
an average-looking human being.

1288
01:20:46,638 --> 01:20:48,599
Now, the reason I know I'm a five is this.

1289
01:20:48,682 --> 01:20:52,269
When I walk past people, nothing happens.

1290
01:20:56,774 --> 01:20:59,651
People don't get upset,
nor do they get disappointed.

1291
01:20:59,735 --> 01:21:02,363
We all move on with our lives.

1292
01:21:02,446 --> 01:21:04,365
I have hair.

1293
01:21:04,448 --> 01:21:06,825
But it's shit hair.

1294
01:21:06,909 --> 01:21:08,911
Five!

1295
01:21:08,994 --> 01:21:10,329
I have teeth.

1296
01:21:10,412 --> 01:21:13,332
They're a little yellow.
They're a little crooked.

1297
01:21:13,415 --> 01:21:15,250
But they're all there!

1298
01:21:16,251 --> 01:21:18,212
Five!

1299
01:21:19,963 --> 01:21:22,841
I have eyes.
They do not sparkle.

1300
01:21:22,925 --> 01:21:27,429
But they do face in the same direction.

1301
01:21:29,807 --> 01:21:31,975
Five!

1302
01:21:32,559 --> 01:21:36,355
And because I'm a five,
that means society has deemed it okay

1303
01:21:36,438 --> 01:21:39,483
for me and other fives
to get into dimly-lit rooms...

1304
01:21:39,566 --> 01:21:41,693
and we can fuck each other.

1305
01:21:41,777 --> 01:21:43,320
And no one gets upset.
They're like,

1306
01:21:43,404 --> 01:21:47,449
"Oh, it's a couple of fives fucking.
Let them have their fun."

1307
01:21:47,533 --> 01:21:50,911
And we get in there
with our average five bodies, like just...

1308
01:21:50,994 --> 01:21:54,915
My little gut resting
on her fucking imperfect floppy ass,

1309
01:21:54,998 --> 01:21:57,000
and we're just fucking.

1310
01:21:57,084 --> 01:22:01,130
We're sweating on each other
'cause neither of us work out.

1311
01:22:01,839 --> 01:22:04,633
Just grabbing onto an average tit, like...

1312
01:22:06,718 --> 01:22:08,679
And the two of us are thinking about,

1313
01:22:08,762 --> 01:22:11,932
a seven that we know
that we actually want to fuck.

1314
01:22:12,891 --> 01:22:15,644
I'm like, "Maybe if she
gets depressed or something,

1315
01:22:15,727 --> 01:22:17,354
I could swoop in there. That would be..."

1316
01:22:18,313 --> 01:22:22,568
'Cause us fives, we do not
think about the nines and the tens

1317
01:22:22,651 --> 01:22:25,529
because we dare not touch the sun.

1318
01:22:28,949 --> 01:22:30,117
Now...

1319
01:22:31,243 --> 01:22:34,037
I'm a minor celebrity,

1320
01:22:34,121 --> 01:22:37,332
so that means I get to fuck sixes.

1321
01:22:41,879 --> 01:22:43,672
I fuck the shit out of sixes.

1322
01:22:43,755 --> 01:22:46,425
People go, "He's off the telly.
He can fuck a six."

1323
01:22:49,511 --> 01:22:52,306
Fucked some sevens?
Yeah, I fucked some sevens.

1324
01:22:52,389 --> 01:22:54,183
Couple of eights.

1325
01:22:54,266 --> 01:22:55,726
One nine!

1326
01:22:56,643 --> 01:22:59,730
Best day ever. I fucked a nine.

1327
01:22:59,813 --> 01:23:00,814
Now...

1328
01:23:05,569 --> 01:23:07,488
I'm also a drinker.

1329
01:23:07,571 --> 01:23:09,281
So...

1330
01:23:09,364 --> 01:23:11,867
I have fucked some fours...

1331
01:23:15,621 --> 01:23:17,539
a shitload of threes...

1332
01:23:20,375 --> 01:23:21,793
and one two.

1333
01:23:24,630 --> 01:23:27,758
And when I fucked the two,
that was the lowest point in my life.

1334
01:23:27,841 --> 01:23:32,846
I gave up drinking
for 18 months after I fucked the two.

1335
01:23:32,930 --> 01:23:34,890
That's how important it is
to be good-looking.

1336
01:23:34,973 --> 01:23:37,559
I fucked a two
and my whole self-esteem was ruined...

1337
01:23:38,769 --> 01:23:41,063
Oh, wait, I remember
when I fucked the two,

1338
01:23:41,146 --> 01:23:42,731
I woke up in the... Hey, hang on.

1339
01:23:42,814 --> 01:23:45,859
I'm still writing the letter
to my son, by the way.

1340
01:23:54,701 --> 01:23:58,455
So, I remember when I fucked the two,
Hank. And I woke up...

1341
01:24:00,040 --> 01:24:01,083
next to her.

1342
01:24:01,166 --> 01:24:04,336
And I rolled over...
I was hungover, like, "Oh, what happened?"

1343
01:24:04,419 --> 01:24:07,339
And then I saw her and went,
"Oh, no! Fuck this!" And then...

1344
01:24:08,757 --> 01:24:11,468
And I went into the fetal position.
I started...

1345
01:24:11,552 --> 01:24:14,721
"It's a fucking two.
That's a two. That's a two."

1346
01:24:15,973 --> 01:24:19,059
Everybody in this world
likes to think they're a good person.

1347
01:24:19,142 --> 01:24:22,563
Not all of us are good people.
We all think we're a good person.

1348
01:24:22,688 --> 01:24:24,147
And so my brain did this.

1349
01:24:24,231 --> 01:24:26,900
"Come on, Jim. You're better than this.

1350
01:24:28,485 --> 01:24:30,445
Maybe if you talk to it.

1351
01:24:33,949 --> 01:24:37,411
Maybe you'll find out
the thing has dreams or feelings.

1352
01:24:39,538 --> 01:24:41,832
Give that a go."

1353
01:24:41,915 --> 01:24:45,127
So I rolled over
with the best of intentions, like,

1354
01:24:45,210 --> 01:24:48,046
"Hey, do you...
Oh, no! Fuck off! No way, man."

1355
01:24:51,592 --> 01:24:54,970
And she tried to comfort me
with her claw, just...

1356
01:25:04,855 --> 01:25:06,690
I'll never forget the two.

1357
01:25:07,858 --> 01:25:11,653
But it's been so long now
that I can laugh about it.

1358
01:25:11,737 --> 01:25:14,072
I do laugh about it. I was in my car,

1359
01:25:14,156 --> 01:25:17,743
remembering how the two was
the worst thing that happened to me.

1360
01:25:17,826 --> 01:25:20,370
And I was like this...

1361
01:25:20,454 --> 01:25:22,623
"Oh, you fucked a two.

1362
01:25:24,791 --> 01:25:26,376
Classic Jim Jefferies.

1363
01:25:28,920 --> 01:25:30,964
When will you ever learn?"

1364
01:25:32,341 --> 01:25:34,593
And I was sitting in the car...

1365
01:25:34,676 --> 01:25:37,721
and I was thinking
about how fucking the two...

1366
01:25:39,264 --> 01:25:42,392
was the worst thing
I've ever done in my life.

1367
01:25:42,976 --> 01:25:45,812
And then my brain did a horrible thing.

1368
01:25:45,896 --> 01:25:48,148
My brain went...

1369
01:25:49,358 --> 01:25:52,235
"That's how the nine felt
when she woke up next to you."

1370
01:25:54,738 --> 01:25:56,823
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much.

1371
01:25:56,907 --> 01:25:58,742
Appreciate it.

1372
01:25:58,825 --> 01:26:00,577
We'll see you later.