[ People chattering ]
[ Girl ] Merry christmas!
[ Woman #1 ] Oh, happy holidays!
[ Woman #2 ] Happy holidays!
[ Man ] Happy hanukkah.
[ Chattering continues ]
[ Woman #3 ] Happy christmas to you too!
Hurry, gladys.
I'm coming.
Wow! Cool trains.
[ Whistle tooting ]
Mm-hmm!
[ Blows nose ]
Excuse me! [ Grunting, gasping ]
[ Yelling ]
[ Crash ]
[ Woman ] Are you are all right?
Hey! Close the lid!
What are you doin'?
You're lettin' the heat out!
You're draggin' it.
I got it.
You're draggin' it!
I got it!
Whoa! Hyah!
[ Quacking ]
[ Laughing ]
[ Chuckling ]
[ Kissing ]
[ Chuckling ]
♪Deck The Halls With boughs of holly ♪
♪Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la ♪
♪'Tis The Season To be jolly ♪
Hi, guys! How are you?
Merry christmas to you!
[ Bell ringing ]
Merry christmas to ya!
[ Shouting, chattering ]
Ho-ho-ho-ho!
Why, if I live to be 102,
I'll never forget the year that the muppets almost missed christmas.
An icy storm blew in, and I--
hey, buddy. What are you doin'? We're tryin' to make a movie over here.
Why, I'm joe snow, your affable, good-natured narrator.
[ Chuckling ]
Snowman narrator?
We don't have no snowman narrator.
Now get out of the shot, you burl ives wannabe.
What, no snowman narrator?
Well, that's a big mistake.
I'm part of the whole holiday collective consciousness.
I'll have my attorneys see you-- frog, slush and snow cohen.
♪ [ Piano ]
♪Hey, Jingle Bells ♪
♪Jingle Bells ♪
Yeah!
♪Jingle All The Way ♪
♪Oh, What Fun It is to ride ♪
♪In A One-horse Open Sleigh ♪
♪Hey, Jingle Bells Jingle bells ♪
[ Muttering ]
♪Jingle All The Way ♪
[ Laughing ] Yeah!
♪ [ Continues ]
♪ [ Humming ]
Gonzo, I sold my collection of rare cheese...
To buy you this crystal petri dish for your mold collection.
Oh.
Um, gee, rizzo, I sold my mold collection...
To buy you this diamond-tipped cheese slicer.
Did you save the receipt?
♪And A-making Spirits Bright ♪
Yeah! Ha-ha!
♪What Fun It Is To ride and sing ♪
[ Squeaks ]
♪A Sleighing Song Tonight ♪
Beakie, you sold your periodic table of the elements...
Autographed by stephen hawking...
To buy me this stand for my electron microscope?
Meep.
Oh, but I sold my electron microscope...
To buy you these rare mutagenic elements.
Oh! Oh!
But don't open it.
Ohh!
[ Whimpering ]
[ Gasps echoing ]
♪A Sleighing Song Tonight ♪
♪Oh, Jingle Bells Jingle bells ♪
♪Jingle All The Way ♪
Johnny, my best friend in the whole wide world,
I sold my moped to buy you this solid gold record player.
Well, thanks, sal.
♪Oh, What Fun It is to ride ♪
♪In A One-horse Open sleigh ♪
Big jerk.
♪ [ Scatting ]
Hey, there he is. Hey, come on, sing a song with me, baby.
I don't feel like singing right now.
What?
Yeah, he doesn't feel like singing with you. Right, kermit, my new best friend in the world?
Oh, kermie. Mistletoe.
Here we go, rowlf. ♪Sleighing Song Tonight ♪
Leave me alone.
Oh!
Where's your holiday spirit?
Piggy.
Just one christmas kiss, hmm?
Piggy! Would you please leave me alone!
[ Gasps ]
♪ [ Stops ]
[ Grunting ]
Well--
kermit, what's wrong?
Yeah, your gloomy behavior would make us wonder if something bad has happened.
[ Gulps ] We-- we lost everything.
- huh? - wow, you're good.
I didn't know you could read people like that.
It's a gift. Like my gold record player.
I'm sorry I convinced you all to work so hard and believe in this dream.
It was all for nothing.
- [ All groaning ] - we lost the money. We lost the theater.
We've lost everything.
But it'll work out all right, right, uncle kermit?
I mean, we'll just all pull together and everything'll be okay.
Right?
Yeah!
Yeah.
Not this time.
[ Sighs ]
Everybody! ♪Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ♪
[ All grumbling ]
[ Sighs ]
Kermit! Help me, I'm stuck!
I can't help you.
I'll ruin your life.
[ Sighs ]
[ Groans ]
[ Sighs ] Hmm.
Mmm.
[ Shivering ]
How could this happen?
Someone has got to do something!
Oh, dear.
♪ [ Whistling ]
Oh, glenn, hi.
Um, kermit the frog has got a real "problemo."
So, you're gonna wanna send someone down there...
So they can, um, dish out a little yuletide justice.
Oh, sorry, dan, no can do.
Daniel. I- I prefer daniel.
Uh, this is a major crisis.
Dan. Danny.
Daniel.
We have strict guidelines...
That define what is and isn't an emergency.
I can't just dispatch a field agent without a thorough review from the subcommittee.
Come on.
You know that. [ Laughs ]
Listen, feliz navidad, amigo.
Huh?
♪ [ Whistling ]
[ Daniel ] Fine.
If you're not gonna do your job, well, I'm gonna do it for you.
I'm taking kermit's case t-to the boss.
No, you're not.
Whoa. H-hey.
Right, you're just gonna walk into the boss's office without an appointment.
That's the kind of attitude that's gonna keep you in a cubicle, mister.
I don't care.
Kermit deserves justice.
- he's goin' for it! - no, he's not.
He's gonna do it. I bet he's gonna do it.
Troublemaker.
[ All chattering ]
[ Glenn ] What's next? We're all gonna wear color?
Wait. Oh.
He's not gonna. Nope. Nope.
No.
It's called fronting off. The young folks told me about this.
He did it.
♪ [ Chorus Vocalizing ]
Career suicide.
[ Deep voice booming ] Who dares disturb my peace?
[ Yelps ]
[ Echoes ]
[ Normal voice ] Don't you just love the big voice? It's so scary.
Aah!
[ Gasps ]
What, too big?
No.
A jurassic butterfly.
Whoa, that's cool.
You can really see the beauty of the compound bug eye.
I think it's too big.
Danny from accounting, right?
Uh, yeah. Dani-el.
Daniel.
"Danny-l."
Well, danny-l, do we have an appointment?
No.
But this is an emergency. It's about kermit the frog.
Listen, I don't worry about him. He always does the right thing.
Yeah, well, I'm afraid that if you don't help him, he may never do the right thing again.
- what? - can you please just take a look at his case, your honor?
Uh, your excellency.
Your bossiness.
I really can't. I have this appointment with the archangels.
You know, we're talkin' about armageddon. We're tryin' to get streisand for the post party.
You don't know how much this means to me.
I will never ask for anything again.
[ Exhales ] All right, look.
If you can convince me that kermit needs my help, I'll send my best agent.
Oh, thank you so much.
But if you can't convince me that kermit needs my help,
you'll have to transfer all of my albums to mp3 files.
Well, you have, like, every album ever recorded. Ever.
Yeah. Plus imports.
So you better be right about kermit.
Have a seat.
What channel?
8-5-7-3-2-9-6, and then press pound.
Which one is pound? Is that the tic-tac-toe thing or the squiggly bug thing?
Tic-tac-toe.
Oh, you do it.
Oh.
Okay.
[ Beeping ]
Uh, I should probably rewind it a little.
Yeah.
[ AUDIO: Rewinding ]
You know? And that's why I have this funny collar!
That's a great story, kermit.
Aw, thanks.
You're funny.
Aw.
Listen, kermit, I wanna talk about your big holiday show that's coming up.
- tell everybody about that. - yeah, yeah, well, listen, I'd be happy to.
It's going to be a lot of fun, and we could really use the support right now.
Listen, kermit, I love the muppets.
So I for one will be there front and center...
At your christmas eve performance,
and I urge everybody watching to come to the show too.
- thank you. That's great. - all right, ladies and gentlemen, kermit the frog.
Get your tickets now for the muppet christmas show starting christmas eve.
Thank you, kermit.
Thank you, carson.
Thank you! Thanks, everybody! See ya at the show!
That went well, kermit.
All that free publicity should definitely sell a lot of tickets.
I sure hope so.
Oh! I'd better go work on my act.
Oh, that's true. I've seen it, yes.
Oh, sure. Sure.
Ooh! Who is this little carson daly?
What?
He is so now, he's so today.
[ Gonzo ] I know.
- he's so cute! - excuse me, but who are you?
Bonjour. Je m'appelle luc fromage.
What?
But I am not stinky like the cheese.
No, no, it-it's a different sort of smell.
While you were out doing all your promotional stuff,
yeah?
I hired luc to help us with the big musical number.
Oh. Hmm.
He worked with cirque du soleil.
Just a littl. Un peu.
And he speaks french.
I took your little "12 days of christmas"...
Yeah?
And I made them into this--
this great--
vehicle.
Vehicle.
[ Imitates horn ] Whoo-whoo!
Into the journey of the soul.
But not this soul or this sole.
Well, no, no, no.
The deep place. The deep soul.
Very deep.
Well, I can't wait to see it.
"Cirque du so lame"? I don't think we want the word "lame" in the title.
It is not lame. You are lame. It is lamé.
Lamé?
Lamé, like the shiny fabric.
Yeah, oh, okay, okay, lamé.
Right.
Yeesh.
Un, deux, trois!
Let the magic begin!
♪ [ Orchestra ]
[ Whispers ] Yeah!
[ Gonzo ] yeah.
Ohhhhh, wah!
♪ [ Humming ]
Whoo! Whoo!
- whoo! - [ Groans ]
It speaks to your essence, no?
No!
You're gonna love the five golden rings.
The wh--
gonzo to scooter. Gonzo to scooter. Bring home the bacon, over.
10-4. Bacon down, bacon down.
- roger. Bacon down, bacon down. - would you hurry up?
- [ Grunting ] - don't make me Miss my cue.
The ham is jammed. Repeat. The ham is jammed.
- [ Grunting ] - [ Grunting ]
[ Yelling ]
- [ Screaming ] - [ Yelling continues ]
Hang on! [ Yelling ]
[ Fromage ] I love the chaos!
- I love the chaos! - [ Groans ]
- I love the chaos! - [ Yelling continues ]
Oh, my nose.
Oh! [ Sighs ]
♪ [ Ends ]
Yes! Yes! Bravo! Bravo!
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
Luc, you're a genius!
Oh! Yes!
Bravo!
Yes!
So, what do ya think, kermit?
Uh, eh-eh-eh-eh, well, it's-- it's not really what I was hoping for.
What? Are you blind?
Are you blind in your little froggy eyes?
W-well, look, luc, I-i-i appreciate all the work you've put in here.
It's just that our christmas show is days away...
And, well, I don't even know what this is.
This is a metaphor for the winter solstice.
The dark side of christmas!
[ Groans ] Pathos and the dark side of christmas?
[ Gonzo ] it's a metaphor.
No, luc, w-we want our show to focus on the joy of christmas.
You would. You're a little frog.
[ Spits ] I quit!
[ Stammers ]
Whoa. Now what?
That was our big opening number. What'll we replace it with?
I don't know, but we better come up with something quick.
[ Cackling ]
Oh! Geez!
I'll do my boomerang fish.
I throw them away,
and they come back to me.
[ Boomerang slicing through air ]
[ Both yell ]
[ Laughing ]
Gee, lew, I don't know. It's kind of lacking in a christmas theme.
Okay. Rita! Murray! Where are you?
We got pizza here!
Who wants pizza?
Pizza? Count me in.
Hey, johnny, check out rizzo's nose.
What's that?
It's so shiny, you could even say it glows.
[ All grumbling ]
[ Laughing ]
Check this one out. Hey, nosetradamoose.
Can you predict the future with that thing?
Knock it off, will ya? I got feelings too, you know.
Yeah, just not in your nose.
[ Laughing ]
Let's see-- shiny nose, laughing and calling names.
I've got it! I've got it!
Meet the new star of the christmas show, frosty the snow rat!
Uh, gee, gonzo, I thought you would have gone for rizzo the red-nosed rat deer.
Oh, sure, if you wanna go for the obvious.
♪ [ Scatting ]
Ha-ha-ha! This business is in business, okay?
Oh, yeah?
I got the health permit.
I got the fire permit, the permit to operate a topless nightclub.
What? What?
All the contracts--
- wait a minute. A permit for a topless nightclub? - better safe than sorry, okay?
Good point.
So, "kermin," I will need a ticket to Miami, okay?
A-a ticket to Miami? Why?
Ah, well, I have been invited to shake my bonbons...
At ricky martin's south beach christmas party, okay?
[ Gonzo ] cool.
Ha-ha! ♪ [ Vocalizing ]
Uh, well, I-- I don't know what to tell ya, pepe, but, um, we're flat broke.
[ Woman ] Oh, hello!
Hello, "muffins"!
[ Kermit ] Uh, hello?
[ Gonzo ] hi.
[ Pepe ] Hola.
Hi!
Rachel bitterman, new owner of bitterman bank and development.
Oh. Well, where's Mr. Bitterman?
- dead. - [ Gasps ]
Dead? O-oh, my goodness. I-i'm sorry.
Is there anything we can do for you?
Yes, as a matter of fact, there is.
You can pay me the considerable debt you owe me, in full, by midnight of the 24th,
or vacate this theater.
Uh, but-but-but the 24th is christmas eve.
Yes.
It also happens to be the due date for payment on the theater.
It's funny how one day can mean so many different things.
But-but we had a deal with Mr. Bitterman.
You see, he said we could extend the contract and pay him after the whole week of shows.
Oh. Yeah.
That's right. Mm-hmm.
Too bad you don't have anything in writing.
Contracts. What are ya gonna do?
But-but-but christmas eve-- that only gives us time to do one show.
And how is that my problem?
Oh! It isn't.
Well, uh, m-ms. Bitterman,
we've worked so hard.
Owning this theater is our dream.
Working for a dream.
That's beautiful.
My employees work for a salary.
Salaries?
I-is this like monies?
Yes, pumpkin.
And if you ever feel like working for monies instead of stardust,
you just let me know.
Okay, so, if you need boxes for the move,
you could check the back of the liquor store.
Well, we're gonna get you that money.
Yeah, when pigs fly.
[ Shrieking ]
Get the rope! Get the rope!
Whoa-whoa-whoa! [ Shouting ]
[ Crashing ]
For the record,
I consider that flying pig...
To be a coincidence and not a sign from god.
Eh, ma'am? Ma'am?
I want to work for monies instead of stardust, okay? You said to let you know.
Oh.
But what about our dream, pepe?
"Kermin," I must think of ricky martin and his dream to salsa with pepe.
And she's hot.
[ Bitterman ] Welcome...
To bitterman bank and development.
Gracias.
Starbucks run?
Sí, sí.
Do you know, I like my coffee like I like my women. A latte!
Oh! Oh! [ Laughing ]
Hmm.
[ Pepe ] Do you know, I was talking to my fabulous--
[ Sighs ]
Wow.
See what I'm talking about?
Yeah.
Cup of joe sounds good right about now.
How do you have coffee in a bush?
Shrub. It's a shrub.
When you write the laws of the universe, you know where all the loopholes are.
Hence, I created a coffee shrub.
Anyway-- [ Scoffs ]
I can't believe what bitterman did. It's-- it's so immoral.
It's just-- it's unfair.
It's immoral, it's unfair. Why do you care about kermit's credit problems?
Just, please, keep watching.
I-i promise you'll want to help kermit.
All right, I'll keep watching.
You're just lucky spongebob isn't on right now.
I love spongebob.
Do I care?
Christmas is ruined.
What are we going to do? It would take a miracle to save the theater!
♪ [ Harp ]
Huh? Huh?
Oops, sorry. Like, I was totally just tuning up my harp.
Well, you know-- you know, guys, l-let's not assume the worst. I-i mean, maybe we'll be okay.
[ Sighs ]
[ Beaker ] Mee-mee-mee-mee-mee.
Excuse me. Dr. Honeydew?
Oh, yes?
Could you figure out a way to raise enough money with one show to pay ms. Bitterman?
Let's work it out. Beaker, would you boot up the old window operating system?
Mee-mo.
Ooh! Mm-hmm.
Aha.
Now, if we let "x"...
Equal the value of our debt...
And "y" the value of seating capacity,
it appears maximum attendance...
Will result in "y" Being greater than "x."
Mmm? Uh--
oh. Oh. Yes, beaker?
Mee-mee-mo-mo-mee-mee-mind.
Yes, I think you have a beautiful mind too.
[ Shrieking ]
So we'll have enough money to pay off bitterman bank and development?
Yes. Wait. No. Uh, yes-- no!
- beakie, do you have my wax pencil? - [ Shrieking continues ]
Oh, there it is.
Uh, yes, as long as we add 1,900 seats.
But-but-but that's impossible.
Or we don't pay anyone till new year's.
- well, th-that's not so bad. - of next year.
[ Dr. Honeydew ] Beakie?
What it boils down to, everybody is, uh,
we sort of have to defer our wages.
- huh? - [ Gasps ]
For a period of, um, about a year.
[ All gasping ]
What?
[ Gibberish ]
How will I afford my propecia?
[ Scooter ] That's not a toupee?
Look, everybody, I know it seems like we've already given everything we can, but...
If we don't give a little more, we could lose the whole theater.
Our home.
So, what do you say?
[ Case thuds ]
- piggy? - oh.
Wh-wh-where-- where are you going?
Oh, kermie, I would love to stay and work for free,
but a Hollywood doctor show needs a hip young star...
With her finger on the pulse of today's urban youth.
And, well, naturally, they called moi.
[ Groans ]
Typical.
I'm sorry.
Well--
all right, peeps, let's bounce!
Piggy! Piggy, we need a star for our show too!
- piggy? - [ Murmuring ]
Okay, fine.
We'll just do our show without her.
- without her? - [ Mock swedish ]
[ All murmuring ]
[ Muppet ] Huh!
- I don't see how we can do without piggy. - I'm sorry, guys, it's--
well, I hate to be materialistic,
but, like, how are we supposed to have christmas without any money?
- yeah! - mee-mee-mee-mee-mee!
[ Mock swedish ]
The words on my coffee mug are right.
"It is hard to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys."
Turkeys?
Turkeys? What is that supposed to mean?
Guys! Guys! Look at us.
Fighting and being selfish when kermit has done so much for us.
We should be ashamed of ourselves.
[ Murmuring ]
Well--
fozzie's right. Kermit, I defer my paycheck.
- count me in. - thanks, scooter.
We're in!
Ya!
- I'm in. - I'm in too!
- I'm in. - I'm in. - [ Mock swedish ]
- I'm really in. - all right!
We'll show ms. Bitterman! When we pull together, we can do anything. Right?
- yeah! - [ All shouting in agreement ]
- even if we go broke doing it! - huh?
- uh-- uh, gonzo? - hmm?
You're not helping.
Oh. Sorry.
[ Pepe ] This little fishy went to the market,
and, uh, this little fishy needs a kiss.
[ Kiss ]
And, uh, this little fishy looks like my cousin manolo.
Look, pepe. I want you--
oh, I want you too, okay?
Do not... interrupt me.
I want you to tell me everything you know about the muppets' financial situation.
You tell me, bitter, baby. I give you all the papers right there, okay?
All the papers?
Sí.
You mean, this is the only copy of the contract between the muppets and bitterman bank?
Sí. i needed it to get all the permits, oka?
[ Groans ] Hey!
[ Grunting ]
Maybe you should go with the french tips.
Forget the nails.
[ Groans ]
Listen, pee-pee--
pepe.
Sorry.
Do they know you have the only copy of the contract?
Ah, well, I cannot answer this question...
Until we talk about my christmas bonus, okay?
I love your spirit.
Well--
listen to me, my little king prawn king.
You answer this question,
and I'll give you your christmas bonus.
[ Moans ]
Then tell me. [ Blows ]
Tell me.
[ Laughing ]
Tell me!
No, they don't know I have it, okay?
Peel me! I'm yours!
Yes!
File this!
[ Gasping, laughing ]
Rough and sexy, okay. [ Laughs ]
But tell me, bitterbuns, why are you so excited about the muppet theater anyways?
Oh, for heaven sakes, it's not about the theater.
No, it's about real estate, it's about making money, not losing it.
It's about something like this.
- I call it club dot. - [ Gasps ]
Ooh! Nice!
[ Cackling ]
[ Gasps ] Ooh, does it come with action figures?
No, it doesn't come with action figures.
It's a scale model of a trendy nightclub!
Oh, you're so brilliant.
But, uh, how will the peoples fit inside? It's so tinies.
I mean, really tinies.
Come. I'll-- I'll show you.
Huh?
♪Dee-dee-dee ♪
[ Groans ]
I think your club dot is going to need bigger doors, okay.
♪A-la-la-la-la-la This is not what I taught you ♪
♪And It's Really Bad ♪
[ Whooping ]
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
I don't know when I've seen dancing so... Wonderful.
Yeah?
[ Laughing ]
So, how's it going here, howard?
Oh, kermit!
Things could not-- mwah-- be-- mwah-- better--
mwah-- period.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, is it possible to give 110%?
Because that's what I'm getting from these girls.
Well, great.
Well, listen. Keep up the good work, huh?
Okay, okay. Love that tushy.
[ Giggles ]
[ Laughing ]
Okay, you clodhoppers. Let's go.
Five, six, seven, eight. ♪La-la-- ♪
♪Ra-rumph Rumph-ba-ba-bum rumph-ba-bum ♪
Drummer boy!
Ah. That was, uh-- [ Clears throat ] loud.
Uh, everybody take five, huh?
Gee, I don't know. It seems like the show's still missing something.
I know! I'll do my boomerang fish!
Thank you, lew. Thank you. Mm-hmm. No, thanks.
Sorry, gretchen.
Oh.
I don't know. What do you think, fozzie? What does the show need?
Gosh, kermit. Maybe what the show needs...
Is somebody who'll make people feel like they got their money's worth.
- mmm. - you know, somebody with star power.
Yeah?
I know, uncle kermit.
You should call your famous friends.
You're right, robin. To the star phone!
Right, right. Listen. We are all big fans. I watch you every morning.
We were wondering if you'd come out and star in our christmas show at the muppet theater.
I don't know, kermit, I was planning on spending the holidays with my loved ones.
Well, good golly, Miss molly.
You are such a big star, it would be an honor if you would come out and be in our show.
Let me remind you about the last time I worked with a frog.
We fell madly in love.
So naturally, I have a key made to his apartment.
I break in and reorganize his closets while he's at work as a little favor.
And how am I rewarded for going to all this trouble?
The frog stops calling me! Remember that?
Hey there, madonna. Want a free muppet t-shirt?
Courtney, can you juggle?
Uh, thanks, Mr. Connery.
Uh, I understand, Mr. Schwarzenegger.
Hello, Mr. Rogers?
Hello, angelina?
Oh, hi there, britney. Hello, nicole?
Um, gee, I could sure do with a little star power around here, uh, triumph.
Um, is there any way you could help me out?
Muppet movies are always the best.
You mean that?
For me to poop on! [ Laughing ]
Right, right. You got me again. Uh, uh, bye-bye.
- hey, guys, he's comin'. - [ Chattering ]
Sorry, everybody. No luck finding a star.
[ Groaning ]
Oh, well. Sure you can't find anyone now, but just watch.
The day after christmas--
hmm?
All these stars will be marked down 40%.
Yeah, but don't give up, guys. You know, may--
I'm sure someone will come through.
Someone like, um--
- oh, I don't know. Just somebody. - hmm? Hmm?
You know, somebody will, uh--
yeah?
Like, uh--
uh-- all right, all right. I'll go get her.
Yes!
All right!
Do we have a rhythm?
Can't find a pulse.
Quick, the paddles!
Let's go.
Clear!
[ Steady beep ]
Nothing.
All righty. Let's call it.
Time of death, 8:27 AM.
Oh. I-i think I'm feeling better.
The shocky things worked! I'm alive!
No, you're dead.
No, I'm alive!
No, you're dead!
I'm alive!
- it's a miracle. - cut. Cut!
- [ buzzing ] - what do you think you're doing?
- it's called acting, sweetie. - you're an extra.
You're supposed to be a dead body.
Look, I didn't quit the legitimate theater to play some lump under a dumb sheet.
I was thinking my character could start dating JD.,
then become a nurse with attitude.
You'd have to go.
Guess again, puerca.
Oh. All right. Uh-- oh, I know!
I'll be the cute janitor.
Yes, yes, the cute janitor who works her way up to head of hospital.
We just have to lose frankenstein over there.
- [ Growls ] - excuse me. Pardon me.
Kermie? Wha--
piggy, our show really needs you.
We really need a star. Would you please, please consider coming back?
Oh, kermie.
I'm afraid I'm must see tv now.
Scrubs needs me.
Yeah. Miss piggy?
Yes, billy?
You're fired.
I'm sorry. What did he say?
I think he said you're fired.
- gone. - canned.
- shalom. - fired? Fired?
You wouldn't know talent if it hit you in the eye!
Uh-oh.
And it's about to too!
Okay, guys. I'll take it from here.
Sorry about that, Mr. Lawrence. Piggy, let's go, okay?
Fine. I quit! I'm a real theater actress anyhow, not some spoiled tv showoffs.
Just a little boost, guys.
Oh, you got it.
Thank you. Thanks. Thank you, guys.
Naturally, kermie, as your star, I have the following demands.
Yeah.
A fresh fruit plate. Nothing frozen.
[ Grunting ]
Ah, pepe.
My heart is hot...
Like a black car left in the sun on a summer's day.
I must have you now.
[ Gasps ] Oh, rachel.
Oh, pepe!
Oh, rachel. Oh, pepe!
Mmm.
[ Man ] So, rachel.
[ Rachel ] Call me ms. Bitterman.
Okay, ms. Bitterman.
- ms. Bitterman, I'm just not exactly clear-- - [ Pepe ] huh?
Another mans? I will crush him like a plankton, okay.
So, um, what will you do...
If the muppets come up with the money before the deadline?
Come, my sweet potato brain.
The answer is here.
If the others are as stupid as that backstabbing shrimp,
they'll never notice that I've changed the contract...
From midnight to 6:00 PM.
[ Chuckling ] Right.
Changed the contract. I don't get it.
Look, the old contract, the deadline was midnight.
The new contract, the deadline is 6:00 PM.
At 6:01, I foreclose on the muppet theater,
gut it and put up a trendy nightclub...
Where I can sell overpriced drinks...
To pierced and tattooed rave monkeys.
[ Laughing ] Rave monkeys.
Come, einstein. Let's go decorate my tree.
Right.
Decorate your tree.
[ Groaning ]
And tomorrow you can oil that chair for me.
Right. Oil your chair.
You know, not everything is an innuendo.
Innuendo.
[ Grunts, panting ]
What have I done?
I must warn kermit. Mmm.
[ Grunts ] Ay.
[ Thuds ]
[ Chattering ]
- [ Statler ] Yeah. Okay. Here's your one. - the muppets?
- uh-huh. Got it right here. Yeah. Thanks. - two tickets, please.
Get on in there. Okay, here ya go.
Mr. Kermit! Mr. Kermit!
Oh. Ooh! I have excellent news.
Oh, yeah?
We have sold enough tickets to cover our debt.
Oh, good! Hey, everybody, gather round!
Oh, boy. Uh, listen, everybody. Before we go out there,
I just want to thank you all for sticking together.
Because of all your hard work and dedication,
we've made enough money to save the theater!
[ Cheering ]
Let's go out there and have a great show, huh?
Nice work, guys.
And because I love you all...
Like cousins I no longer keep in touch with,
tonight I dedicate my performance to vous.
Give us a kiss for good luck, kermie.
Uh, well, I--
fifteen seconds to curtain, boss.
Got a show starting! I'll take a rain check, piggy. Thank you, scooter.
What?
Sure. Anytime.
Places, everybody! Places, places.
Scooter!
- where you headed, sister? - kermit, kermit! I must warn you, okay?
Oh, dios mío.
Gee, pepe, shouldn't you be in Florida with ricky martin?
No, no, no, no. Listen, because the words I'm about to say are very important, okay?
Okay. I'm listening.
You listening?
I'm listening.
You are sure? Because this is very big, okay.
Pepe, the show's about to start!
Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right!
Okay.
First of all, she cheats on me with another man.
Oh, good grief.
Okay. And then the dollhouse. You know the dollhouse?
- yeah, yeah. - it's not a dollhouse! It's a nightclub!
Really? Hmm. Imagine that.
And ms. Bitterman, while very sexy, is dishonest.
Left, right, left, right!
She changed the c-- k-kermit! [ Squeals ]
Great.
Left, right, left, right.
Oh, boy. Now let's see. Um--
cue the intro!
Boss?
You are the intro.
What? Oh, good grief!
[ Man announcing ] Ladies and gentlemen, kermit the frog!
[ Cheering ]
Ha-ha!
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Ah. Oh, boy.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the muppet christmas show.
[ Scattered applause ]
Now at this time, we'd like to ask you...
To please turn off all cell phones and pagers.
[ Phones beeping ]
[ Beeping continues ]
- I think it's off. - [ Beeps ]
[ Beeps twice ]
Okay. Thank you. Now--
- [ Beeping ] - [ Kermit groans ]
Merry christmas, everyone!
It's showtime!
[ Applauding ]
♪There Was A Frog ♪
♪A Very Strange Enchanted frog ♪
♪And He Came To France Where The ladies cancan dance ♪
[ Whooping ]
♪To The Moulin Scrooge Where our story starts for you ♪
[ Pepe ] Wait, donner. Stop, schnitzel.
[ Grunts, panting ] Kermit.
Whoa! Aha.
Kermit, please, I must--
my, my.
It sure is a nice christmas here in paris in the year 1900.
I'm sure I'll find the inspiration I need to write about love...
Here in this fancy red windmill.
Ooh, but first, I think I'll try this funny green root beer.
Ooh.
Ahh.
Hi! I'm the green fairy.
Well, what are you doing in my drink?
The backstroke. Ah!
And now, get ready...
For a magnificent, opulent, stupendous, tremendous,
gargantuan spectacular spectacular!
- [ Shouting ] - get ready for moulin scrooge!
♪ [ Pop ]
♪ [ Clucking Rhythmically ]
♪ [ Quacking Rhythmically ]
[ Pepe ] Kermit! Kermit! Kermit! Kermit!
It's very important. [ Gasps ]
Unbelievable, okay? Oof!
Aah!
When the beautiful saltine, the sparkling zirconia diamond,
saw this stranger,
she knew what she wanted for christmas,
and it was green.
[ Whimpers ]
Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the star of our show,
the beautiful, stunning, exotic, voluptuous saltine!
- saltine! - [ Crowd gasps ]
[ Coughing ]
[ Coughing continues ]
Whoa!
Bonsoir, mes amis. [ Exhales ]
Come and get me, boys. [ Laughing ]
♪Santa Baby ♪
♪Slip A Sable Under the tree ♪
♪For Me ♪
♪I've Been An awful good girl ♪
♪Santa Baby ♪
♪And Hurry Down The chimney tonight ♪
Let's pick it up a little!
♪Come And Trim My christmas tree ♪
♪With Some Decorations Bought at tiffany's ♪
♪I Really Do Believe in you ♪
♪Let's See If You Believe in me too ♪
Kermit, I--
what?
- uh-- - [ Pepe chuckles ]
Uh, doobie-do? [ Grunts ]
♪Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle all the way ♪
What?
♪When You Come To moulin scrooge, you stay you've gotta pay, yeah ♪
♪ [ Clucking Rhythmically ]
[ Miss piggy ] Where'd you come from? Hey, this is my big number!
♪So If You're Feeling Plucky ♪
♪Our Chickens Are Just Ducky At the moulin scrooge ♪
[ Miss piggy ] Coming through! Move it! Move it!
♪It's Christmas Every Day As long as you can pay ♪
Out of the way!
♪And-- ♪
Stop!
Will everybody stop singing different songs!
I can't remember which one I'm supposed to sing!
- [ Angry grunting ] - excuse me, excuse me.
"Santa baby," From "be-do-be-do."
Ah.
Oh, yeah. Right.
♪Be-do-be-do Santa baby ♪
♪Forgot To Mention One little thing ♪
♪A Ring ♪
♪I Don't Mean On the phone ♪
♪Santa Baby So hurry down the chimney tonight ♪
♪Hurry Down The chimney tonight ♪
♪Hurry Tonight ♪
♪ [ Piano ]
♪ [ Ends ]
I'll be waiting up for you.
[ Giggling ]
Uh, thank you.
There is one present you can give moi.
Well, what is it, beautiful saltine?
Vous, froggy.
Hmm?
Vous. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?
Say wha--
♪ [ Ends ]
[ Cheering ]
[ Chickens clucking ]
Boy, that went great.
Kermit, the theater is in great danger, okay?
Huh?
The contract says--
Ay, i'm exhausted, okay.
Oh, boy.
Kermie, quickly. What were your 10 favorite things about my performance?
[ Stammering ] Well, it's really hard to narrow it down to just 10.
Oh, kermie!
Yeah, really. Mmm. Hmm?
Try! Start with number 10 and work backward to your favorite.
Don't you have to change for your next number?
Oh! My next number! Oh, yes!
I'm wonderful in that too.
Of course.
Ay.
Now, pepe, what is going on?
Okay. You are listening? Because this is very important, okay?
Pepe, I'm listening.
Okay, okay. [ Exhales ]
You must get the monies to bitterman by 6:00, not midnight, okay.
Otherwise, we will all be on the streets, okay.
Wait a second. That's not what the contract says.
Oh, mira, mira. Look, look.
What?
- do you see-- - whoa! Hey, wait a second.
She changed the contract, okay? You see?
You can see right here.
She's very, very tricky, okay, kermit.
Wait a minute. That-- that can't be.
Oh, it does be. And it's almost 6:00, okay.
[ Gasps ]
"Kermin," unless we do something fast, ms. Bitterman's going to take the theater, okay.
Oh, yeah, yeah. But the joke's on her 'cause we've got the money.
[ Gasp ] Oh.
Ha-ha!
- yeah, and I'm gonna take it to her right now. - okay.
Pastel m&m's? I said no pastel m&m's!
Kermie, you said you'd treat me like a star if I came back.
- hmph! How could you? - but, piggy, it's just a--
comin' through.
[ Chicken clucks ]
Kermit, 6:00.
I gotta get to the bank.
Sí, sí.
Kermit. Maybe I should go to the bank for you.
No, no. Fozzie, but what about your monologue?
You've been working so hard on it.
This is more important.
Hmm?
And, uh, besides, it's kind of crazy here.
Sí, sí, sí. I will fill in for fozzie, okay.
See, I'm very funny. Very funny. Waka waka, okay.
Ah! Not bad!
Gracias, gracias.
Now, are you sure you're okay missing your stand-up spot?
Kermit, you have done so much for us.
Let me do this for you.
Okay, fozzie, you've got the job.
But now, remember, this is a very important job to us.
Kermit!
You can count on me.
Uh, uh, fozzie!
Yeah?
Uh, the money?
Oh! Oh, oh. Right, right, right, right. The money. Yes, of course.
Ayayay.
Boy, hope that was the right thing to do.
Where's fozzie? He's on.
This is me, okay.
[ Announcer ] the comedy stylings of fozzie bear!
Right, right.
♪ [ Band ]
[ Laughing ]
[ Laughing continues ]
Eh, thank you, thank you. [ Laughing ]
Okay. [ Clears throat ] Waka waka, okay. [ Clears throat ]
What are santa's three favorite gardening tools, okay?
Hoe, hoe and hoe, okay?
♪ [ DRUM: Rim Shot ]
Hoe, hoe and hoe.
♪ [ Rim Shot ]
This what santa says, okay.
Gardening tools! Gardening tools!
Hoe, hoe, hoe!
Hey, the shrimp's floundering! [ Laughing ]
You shut up, okay.
[ Audience laughing ]
- he told us to clam up. - oh, what's he wanna do? "Mussel" us?
[ Laughing ]
Don't get me steamed, okay.
Steamed shrimp.
Whoa, pass the cocktail sauce!
Oh, yeah! [ Laughing ]
That's it! I'm coming up there!
Whoa, I'm shakin'.
♪ [ Band ]
You're always shakin'.
[ Audience laughing ]
I'm going to the bank.
Gosh, I sure hope they have a little bear's room there.
[ Australian accent ] Excuse me, mate!
Wh-wh-what?
Watch your step. This street is teemin' with wild crocodiles.
Ah-- there aren't any crocodiles here.
Are you tellin' me how to do my job?
No, no, no, no. It's just that this is a city, and there aren't any swamps.
Crikey! You're a bear!
Oh! I'm gonna have to tranquilize him,
'cause bears get a tad cranky when they get a bit stressed.
Huh? [ Screaming ]
Crikey! There he goes!
[ Shouts, panting ]
He's getting away!
Watch out, folks! Stand back! Come on!
I think he went this way.
Watch out! There he goes.
[ Panting ]
What? What? [ Screams ]
He's right there.
These darts are really potent, so I've gotta get a clean shot.
[ Gasping ]
[ Chuckling ] Meanwhile, everybody waited nervously...
For fozzie to get to the bank.
[ Grunts ] Well, what's happening? Wh-what's going on?
Everything is melding together.
[ Voice slowing down ] Crikey.
I think I'm going to-- I am.
[ Thuds ]
[ Screams ]
There he goes!
[ Panting ]
What's this? Hmm.
[ Spraying ]
Ow! Ooh. Ow! Hot!
Ow! Hot! Ow, my eyes!
[ Screams ] oh! Ow! [ Spitting ]
[ Panting ]
Where did he go? Where'd he go?
[ Exhales ]
Merry christmas! Ho, ho, ho.
[ Panting ]
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh!
Oh!
Oh, you poor thing. Are you okay?
[ Panting ]
Where's bitterman bank?
Bitterman bank.
Look at you. You're soaking wet and freezing.
Here, you take my coat.
[ Girl ] Look! It's him!
What?
That green guy who stole christmas...
And ruined all our wishes!
I'm nancy nut-what from whatville, you see,
and you've made me and uncle nicky quite angry.
He'll make sure you don't steal christmas again...
By making you feel some serious pain.
Let's get him! And, uh--
I can't rhyme. Can't we just go beat him up?
Yeah, let's go get that sick green pup!
[ Screams ]
[ Panting ]
Ow! Ooh! Ow!
[ Man ] Hey.
[ Man #2 ] Hey, that's a bear!
A bear?
[ All shouting ]
[ Whimpering ]
[ Fozzie ] Hey, where you going?
[ Whimpering ]
Hey! Anyone here seen that guy that stole christmas?
He went that way!
Come on! Get him! There he goes!
He's green, he's mean, and--
hey!
[ Whimpering ]
Thank you.
Stop, you! Come back here!
[ Exhales ]
[ Shouts, panting ]
Hello! Hello! [ Grunts ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Screams ] Where's ms. Bitterman's office?
- what? - uh, where's ms. Bitterman's office?
I need to deposit this money.
Well, if I was a bear,
I suppose I'd deposit my honey in an old tree somewhere.
No, not honey! Money!
- what? - money!
I need to give ms. Bitterman her money!
Oh, ms. Bitterman's laundry.
Oh, no.
Her offices are on the 13th floor.
What--
I let her know you're coming.
- thank you. - gesundheit.
[ Panting ]
Where's the buttons? No buttons!
Ah!
[ British accent ] Oh, what a beautiful nightclub.
[ Phone ringing ]
What do you want? [ Normal voice ] I mean, what do you want?
What? No! Stop him.
No, not stockings. Stop h--
do not-- never mind.
[ Beeping ]
[ Bell dings ]
Wa-ha-ha!
[ Gasps, gulps ]
Uh-oh.
[ Screams, whimpering ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Panting ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Blowing, sucking ]
[ Shouting ]
- [ Crackling ] - ow! Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ooh!
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! [ Screaming ]
Oh!
Yes!
No!
[ Sighs ] Oh.
[ Screaming ]
[ Crackling ]
Owie! [ Grunting ]
So, looks like the christmas spirit...
Is with the good guys for a change.
[ Grunts ]
We know the truth about the contract.
There's nothing in here.
Ha! You mean, nothing but a pile of cash.
Ahh!
- [ Beeps ] - no!
[ Panting ]
Now, if you don't mind, if you could take your sad self...
Away from here.
You smell like a burnt couch. [ Blows ]
[ Gasping ]
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no.
Yes!
♪ [ Piano ]
[ Honking ]
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug!
Nog! Nog!
[ Belches ]
Oh, hey, rizzo.
Listen, you did a great job. Your nose was a real bright spot.
Yeah, lucky break. [ Chuckling ]
[ Belches ]
♪ [ Humming ]
[ Scooter ] great. And you guys have been dancing together for a long time?
Yeah. Yeah.
Wait! Hey, girls. Come back.
My uncle used to own the theater.
Hey, hey, scooter?
Hmm? Yeah, boss?
Uh, have you seen fozzie?
No, not since he left.
Hmm. I think I better go look for him.
And Miss the party? I'm sure he'll be fine.
Yeah, you're probably right, but I'd feel better if I knew for certain.
Hmm.
[ Laughter ]
[ Sighs ]
Fozzie? What happened?
[ Sighs ]
Please tell me you deposited the money.
Oh, kermit. I-- [ Sighs ]
[ Gasps ]
Oh, fozzie, no.
Oh.
[ Frog ] Go ahead. Try it. Yeah. Just put your tongue on it.
[ Little frog ] Really?
Yeah. Just lick it.
You sure it won't stick?
Of course. Yeah.
No, no. Of course not.
I dare ya.
I double dare ya.
I triple-frog dare ya.
Oh! Hey.
Now you gotta do it.
Yeah.
Oh.
See, it--
[ Gasps ]
[ All laughing ]
Well, good luck with it.
I'm stuck!
Guess I was wrong.
I'm stuck! Guys, don't leave me. I'm stuck!
Think, fozzie. Think.
I'm trying. I'm trying, kermit.
[ Thuds ]
- what happened to you after you left the theater? - well,
first the crazy australian tried to shoot me with his blowgun.
Then I got painted green, so people thought I stole christmas.
Then I ran through a steam bath and got burnt by a bunch of lasers.
Fozzie, there's no time for your stories. This is serious.
Now, was it ever out of your hands?
No.
[ Sighs ]
Oh, wait.
Maybe for a second when I bumped into santa and his army.
Fozzie, do you realize that if we don't find this money,
we'll have lost everything we've worked for?
Just keep looking.
[ Whimpers ]
Does it help that I feel really badly?
[ Sighs ]
[ Whimpers ]
Okay. So here are your holiday bonuses.
Merry christmas.
[ Woman ] Thank you, ms. Bitterman.
Merry christmas.
Kermit.
Hey!
You gave me the greatest present of all.
Your theater.
Ms. Bitterman, you changed the contract.
You can't prove that.
I can't believe you'd do this on christmas eve.
Huh. By now I thought you would have realized I'm the bad guy.
Ms. Bitterman, why can't you understand what this theater means to us?
It's our dream.
Your dream?
Mm-hmm.
Please. I mean, you can't eat a dream.
You can't sell watered down drinks from a dream.
You can't be the queen of a polynesian tribe in a dream.
Oh, wait. Yes, you can. Forget that last one.
The point is...
I believe in money, not dreams.
A life without dreams?
That-that-that's terrible.
You just don't get it, do you?
Dreams ruin lives.
And in your case,
they ruined the lives of your friends too.
Uh--
[ Sighs ]
[ Whimpers ]
Hey, kermit.
Don't let it spoil your holiday.
Remember, this is the most wonderful time of the year.
Hmm.
♪'Tis The Season To be jolly ♪
♪Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la ♪
This is not good. This is not good at all.
Somebody's gotta do something about that bitterman.
That's what I've been trying to say.
I mean, look what she's put this poor frog through.
I'm sorry I convinced you all to work so hard and believe in this dream.
It was all for nothing.
We lost the money. We lost the theater.
We've lost everything.
I mean, send someone down there to dole out some justice.
Uh, could you send someone down there to dole out some justice, please?
Let me think about it.
[ Wind whistling ]
[ Sighs ]
"Thank you, kermit, from the children of the world.
'For the lovers, the dreamers and you.'"
Dreams.
Bitterman's right.
I ruined everyone's life with my ridiculous dreams.
[ Sighs ]
Hmm.
[ Shivers ]
You can't tell me that this is what you wanted to happen.
It isn't.
Hello, fritz? We've got a problem on earth.
Can you prepare the transport for a field agent?
[ Chuckles ] Oh, great. Great.
Should I get glenn on the horn?
No.
Wha--
me?
N-no. I-i'm the wrong guy.
I'm gonna go get glenn.
Oh! What--
what'd you do with my clothes? My glasses?
I look like an ice-cream man from hello, dolly!
What-- what's this?
and implementation of divine intervention on earth."
"Regulatory guide to the design
I should probably tell you I'm a very slow reader.
Okay. Fine.
"Performing miracles for dummies," huh?
I'm sorry. I'm the wrong guy for the job.
See, I'm a numbers guy. People are too unpredictable.
Danny-l, you are the right guy.
You have a real understanding of right and wrong...
And an innate sense of justice.
You'll be fine.
Now, get down there before he turns into a frogsicle.
Go. [ Snaps fingers ]
[ Screams ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Groans ]
Kermit! Oh!
Oh, dear boss. I'm too late!
See? I've already blown my mission.
[ Screams ] Come on, kermit.
[ Blowing ] Hang in there, buddy.
[ Whirring ]
[ Kermit shuddering ]
[ Gasps ]
Who are you? Why are you breathing on me?
You're alive! Now I can save you.
Yeah, well, do me a favor and don't bother.
Nobody can save me.
I think I can.
You see, my name is daniel.
Yeah.
And I've been sent from above in the name of justice to right a wrong...
And help you get the theater back.
You? You look like some kind of an ice-cream man from hello, dolly!
Well, normally I'm an accountant.
Well, normally I'd love to sit and listen to this, but I've got other things on my mind.
Good-bye.
No. You don't understand.
I know that bitterman changed the contract.
How do you know that? Oh, wait a second.
You don't run one of those muppet internet fan sites, do you?
No. No, no. I'm a friend, and I'm here to help.
Yeah. Mmm.
I'm sure if we put our heads together, we could come up with a plan.
Sure. Whatever.
What would the boss do?
Hey! We'll call the press. Alert the media! Start a frenzy.
No way, pal. Bitterman owns the paper,
she owns the tv stations and three-quarters of the internet.
- how could one person own so much? - corporate synergy.
It's out of control.
♪ [ Nbc Chimes ]
Now could you please just leave me alone? Please!
Actually, I'm not allowed to.
[ Groans ]
Besides, you should not be alone right now.
You're not yourself.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kermit the frog would not walk out on his friends on christmas eve.
Walk out? What do you know about my friends, huh?
I'll tell you what I know. My friends would be better off without me. That's what I know!
What? That is not true.
It is true! It is true!
In fact, I've ruined their lives, and I wish I'd never been born!
[ Gasps ] No.
Y-you did not just say that. You did not just say that!
I did just say it. I said I wish I'd never been born!
- what am I supposed to do now? - I wish I'd never been born.
There. I said it again. I wish I'd never been b-o-r-n, born!
I wish I'd never been born.
Chapter 12, paragraph two.
"If the subject tells the field agent...
That he had wished he'd never been born"--
psst! Psst!
Come close. I wish I'd never been born!
"Then the field agent is required to adjust the world accordingly."
Yeah, do whatever you like, because, did I mention,
I wish I had never been born!
Okay. Calm down, daniel.
I wish I'd never been born.
What are you doing?
I saw this in a training video once.
What?
[ Groans ]
[ Thunderclap ]
Welcome to the world in which you were never born.
[ Gasping ] H-how did--
[ Screams ]
Not ready is he. There is no try. Only do.
Hmm!
Oops. Wrong world. Sorry.
Dan, how did you-- [ Groaning ]
Oh! What's the matter with you?
[ Thunderclap ]
I'm sorry. I-- I had to do that.
I'm just following procedure as outlined in the manual.
[ Woman on PA. ] Bitterman plaza is now closing for christmas eve.
Welcome to the other world--
the world in which you were never born.
[ Kermit ] Wh-- what happened to the park?
[ Daniel ] Ms. Bitterman bulldozed it and built this mall.
[ Kermit ] But how did-- what did--
wait a second. Are you some kind of a magician?
No. But I am a part-time balloon animal artist.
- [ Gasps ] - you see, I take the balloons,
and you twist them into--
I have no time for that now, kermit.
This is a serious mission.
[ Whimpers ]
I will guide you through a mysterious world.
The journey will shock you.
Hey.
Leave me alone! I'm goin' home to pack and say good-bye to my friends.
Now the joke's over. [ Whimpers ]
Number one.
Hmm?
You don't have a home.
W--
number two, you don't have any friends,
because you haven't been born.
But--
number three, I don't joke.
I've been told I'm not funny.
Oh, really? That gag with the snow in my face was hilarious.
Gonzo?
I'm new at this.
Oh, sir. Sir, if you could just spare a second here.
I'm-i'm gonzo, and this is amy the dancing brick.
Gonzo, thank goodness. Hey. Why aren't you at the party?
[ Gonzo ] Look, buddy. I'm trying to work here. Great.
What?
That was my only customer today. Thanks a lot.
What?
Thank you.
Kermit.
Now why don't you just run along.
- I don't get it. Gonzo? - you're a bad luck guy for me.
[ Groans ] I'm sorry, amy.
I don't understand. I mean, gonzo acted like he didn't know me.
Yeah, because that was the gonzo from the kermit-less world.
[ Whimpers ]
Hey, isn't that your friend rizzo on tv?
I'm afraid to look.
What? Rizzo on fear factor? how? Hey, dawn, for your next stunt,
you're gonna have to face off against a filthy, disease-ridden rat.
- Hey. - Are you ready?
And if you pass this test, you will then have to eat the disgusting rat.
Wh-what?
Here we go.
That was not in my contract.
Three,
two, one.
No. No. No, no, no!
Go!
Hiya.
[ Screams ]
[ Kermit ] What a disgusting show.
How can nbc live with themselves?
It's worse than it seems.
[ Rizzo ] Somebody get me outta here!
For some reason, your not being born has altered the world,
so 90% of network tv is reality shows.
- Go ahead. Eat the rat. First bite's the hardest part. - [ both scream ]
- [ rizzo ] No! - Tastes just like chicken.
Oh, poor rizzo. I can't watch this.
No!
This is a nightmare.
[ Both scream ]
You weren't there to keep your friends together, so--
please don't eat me!
♪ [ Irish Folk ]
Hey. Do you hear music?
Is that the band? Oh.
♪ [ Continues ]
Okay. Let me see my spesh, fluffy.
Wait a second. You guys are the mayhem band. You're not riverdancers.
Out of the way, before you get stomped.
And besides, what are you doing out of the kitchen?
Shouldn't you be on some number two plate special or something?
What are you talking about?
Over there, short stack.
[ Whimpers ]
Dochopper's?
[ Whimpers ]
Are you a dancer?
♪ [ Ends ]
[ Kermit ] Oh, no. It can't be.
[ Whimpers ]
Oh, dear.
I'm sorry, kermit. Kermit?
[ Horns honking ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Daniel ] Yep. The muppet theater.
Do you wanna see how that turned out without ya?
♪ [ Rock ]
Oh, Dr. Honeydew. Dr. Honeydew.
Please tell me you know me. Please tell me this is still the muppet theater.
Muppet theater? Can't you read, lizard?
This is dot.
♪ [ Rock Continues ]
What the-- [ Whimpers ]
[ Groans ]
♪ [ Electronic Dance ]
Wha--
oh.
[ Whimpering ]
Oh, no.
This is a nightmare.
Now do you believe that you haven't been born yet?
I'm starting to.
[ Man ] Hey, ms. Bitterman. Here you go, dear.
Oh, thank you, johnny.
All right. Hey, listen, boss. By the way, these two deadbeats over here--
they stopped buyin' drinks for the girls about an hour ago.
Is that true?
We've been buyin' all night.
Yeah, we're goin' broke.
Yeah.
They're lyin'.
I think it's time for you two to hit the road.
[ Both ] Whoa!
[ Crashes ]
[ Laughing ]
How about another?
You better believe it.
- ms. Bitterman? - yes?
We're all out of mineral water.
Then find some empty bottles and fill it with tap water.
But-- oh!
[ Crash ]
Ms. Bitterman, not only have you ruined the muppet theater,
you've also ruined the muppets.
Thank you. Customer feedback is very important to us.
I will certainly consider your input.
[ Snaps fingers ]
Uh, wait a second.
Mee-mee-mee-mee. Mee. Mee-mee-mee-mee.
Beaker, you're all swollen.
Uh, uh, could we talk about this?
[ Screams ]
[ Shouts ]
[ Low voice ] Meep-meep.
I managed to get my hand stamped.
Lick your hand, and we'll try to get back in.
You guys okay?
There you go.
Fozzie?
Yeah?
You probably don't recognize me, do ya?
No. But this is christmas eve, and it looks like you could use a hand.
Hmm. Hmm. Your kindness means a lot to me right now.
Yeah, well, always help a stranger!
Ah, bye!
Ah!
[ Laughing ]
[ Kermit ] Well,
he's acting a little strange, but,
gee, it's good to know fozzie turned out basically okay.
Yeah. If being a pickpocket is okay.
Wha--
he-- he-he took my wallet. Unbelievable.
And you don't even have pockets. Even more unbelievable.
Yeah, but...
How could things be this bad without me?
I guess someone like you makes a big difference in a lot of lives.
Hmm.
But... I'm just one frog.
You know what?
I think there's someone else you should see.
Piggy.
Hmm.
She lives in this sty?
Yeah.
Apartment 217.
Here.
Hmm?
You better take these.
[ Miss piggy ] Who is it?
Um, uh, my name is kermit.
Uh, uh, kermit the frog.
[ Chains clinking ]
Who? [ Gasps ]
Uh, someone you used to know.
[ Sighs ] Yes, uh, of course.
It's all coming back to me now.
Um, wait right there.
[ Miss piggy ] Oh. Oh. Out of my way.
[ Toilet flushes ]
[ Cat screeches ]
Oh, sorry. [ Chuckles ]
[ Clattering ]
[ Crash ]
[ Cat screeching ]
[ Chuckles ]
Piggy?
Korwin?
It's been so long since we met at, uh--
oh, you brought candy! Oh!
Oh, oh! Let's see what's in here. Oh, oh!
Mmm! Mmm! Oh. Mmm. Creamy good!
Oh. Mmm! Oh, fruit center. Oh, oh! Nuts! Oh!
[ Chomping ] Mmm!
[ Kermit ] Piggy, uh, merry christmas.
Oh! Mmm.
I can see you really like cats.
Doesn't everyone?
Hmm?
So, uh--
make yourself comfortable.
Have a seat-- somewhere.
Thank you.
Um, you, uh--
[ Cats meows ]
You look, uh, good.
So, uh, what are you up to?
Oh. Actually, I do quite a lot of acting.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
Of course, I do most of it from here now.
[ Rings ]
[ Cats meowing ]
[ Ringing continues ]
Your, uh-- your phone.
All right, already. Excuse me.
Uh, sure.
[ Grumbles ]
[ Jamaican accent ] Hello, darling.
N-nice kitty.
Miss piggy knows the answers you seek.
Miss piggy's for entertainment purposes only.
You must be 18 or older. 2.99 a minute. Local tolls may apply.
Piggy, what are you doing? You're not jamaican.
Yeah, well, I'm not psychic either.
[ Jamaican accent ] Now, as I was sayin'--
[ Line clicks ]
Hello? Hello? Oh, great!
You just lost me a gig.
Yeah, yeah--
but, piggy, that's not real acting. That's deceiving people for money.
Oh, no. You're not a cop, are you?
'Cause if you are, you have to tell me.
No. No, no. No. I'm just a friend.
Look. What do you say you and I go out for a nice christmas dinner, huh?
But-but-but what about my babies?
I mean, I still have to wrap Mr. Meow-meow's present.
[ Cat ] Meow-meow.
Besides, I look terrible.
Oh, piggy. Are you crazy?
You always look beautiful.
You've got more beauty and talent than...
Any supermodel or movie star I know.
It's true I once had dreams of going to Hollywood and becoming a big star.
But they were just dreams.
Silly dreams. [ Chuckles ]
[ Sobs ]
[ Sniffles ]
Oh.
Oh, piggy.
I think you should leave now.
What?
Big day tomorrow. [ Chuckles ]
Lots to do.
Yeah, but--
clean, decorate, bake the christmas cry.
- pie. - [ Cat meows ]
What? I'm not pathetic.
No.
I still have my phone acting.
It's just the kitties and I want you to leave now.
Y-y-yes, piggy. I heard you.
Leave! Did you hear me?
But-but-but it's just that--
scram! Vamoose!
But, piggy--
I said out!
Piggy.
Hi-yah!
Oh!
[ Groans ]
And take your chocolates too!
Huh?
[ Door closes ]
[ Door opens ]
On second thought,
I'll take these.
[ Door closes ]
[ Piggy wailing ]
[ Kermit ] Daniel?
Hmm. Daniel?
Daniel?
Daniel, where are you?
[ Panting ] Daniel!
Daniel, where are you? I want my life back, please!
[ Panting, gasps ]
Daniel?
♪ [ Guitar Strums ]
♪I Feel So Small And Useless ♪
♪Ambiguous And Clueless ♪
♪I Just Can't Seem To get anything right ♪
♪I Feel So Invisible Tonight ♪
♪All The Plastic Santas ♪
♪Doin' Hula Dances ♪
♪Remind Me That I don't belong ♪
♪All The Fake Snow Falling ♪
♪And My Friends Not Calling ♪
♪Leave Me Nothing But this song ♪
♪On The Most Miserable Christmas ♪
♪Of My Life ♪
♪The Most Miserable Horrible, obnoxious ♪
♪Intolerable Christmas ♪
Hey. Don't give up. You just haven't found the right audience.
[ Groans ] I'm so tired of scrounging.
♪ [ Ballad ]
I've had my chance.
♪If Only I Could Go Back ♪
♪And Take Another Crack At ♪
♪All The Things I've left undone ♪
♪I'd Do Them Right ♪
♪If I Had My Friends And family here tonight ♪
♪I'd Have The Most Wonderful christmas ♪
♪Of My Life ♪
♪Everyone Matters ♪
♪Even The Smallest Of the smallest ♪
♪Can Make The Biggest Dreams come true ♪
♪Everyone Matters ♪
♪For Worse Or For Better ♪
♪We Can Change The world around us ♪
♪With Everything We Do ♪
♪Even You ♪
♪Even Me ♪
♪You And Me ♪
Yeah.
[ Sighs ]
[ Grunts ]
Thanks, pal. What was your name?
Uh, kermit.
Kermit.
Mm-hmm.
Well, have a great christmas, kermit.
Thanks.
I'll see you around the mall sometime.
Right.
[ Sighs ]
So long, gonzo.
Merry christmas.
Huh.
Kermit, I'm-i'm-i'm sorry...
I couldn't help you save the theater.
I guess I-- I wasn't much help at all.
You know, the theater's just a building.
I mean, I just want to get my life back.
All I care about is being with my friends again.
What's wrong?
Kermit, I don't know how to tell you this, but...
I don't know how to get your life back.
Wh-wh-what do you mean?
Are you saying I'm stuck this way, here, like this?
Well, you see, I've never done this before.
Yeah, but I can't leave my friends like this.
There must be something in your book or something.
You see, it really doesn't go into a lot of detail on the subject.
No, but-but--
I wish I'd never said "I wish I'd never been born."
I-- I wish I'd never said that.
How could I have said that?
I could have just said "kermit, you're having a bad day" maybe,
or "kermit, maybe things aren't quite goin' your way."
But no, no! I had to say "I wish I'd never been born!"
How selfish!
[ Phone rings ]
It's ridiculously selfish.
I'm stuck here in this reality along with all my friends!
Hello?
Oh, I don't believe this.
Yes?
How am I ever gonna get back? Oh, what a ridiculous thing to do.
Yes?
I give up.
I can?
That's great!
How could this happen?
Oh. Well, that's a little weird.
[ Indistinct ]
Okay. Thank you.
I don't believe this.
Kermit. Kermit.
[ Sobbing ]
I can send you back.
I appreciate your help, daniel, but there's--
what? You-- you can?
Yeah.
Well th-that's terrific! That's great!
Uh, uh, but, um, it's a little strange.
Listen. Whatever it takes. Just do it. I'm ready. Just do it.
Okay.
Yeah? Yeah?
[ Hawks, spits ]
Oh! That's disgusting.
[ Thunderclap ]
[ Gasps ]
The park. It's back!
I'm back! And-- and I've got spit in my eye, but I don't even care.
You did it, daniel! Yay!
I guess I did.
Yes. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Well, don't thank me. Just, please, go be with your friends.
Right! I'll go be with my friends!
Hey, daniel. Is there anything I could do for you?
Well, as a matter of fact, if you found my visit helpful--
mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
You could, uh, tell my boss by filling out this customer survey.
Ah--
it will really help when I come up for review.
Daniel, you've done more than you could ever know.
Thanks. Aw, come here you.
[ Laughs ]
[ Groaning ] Daniel.
Daniel, not quite so tight. Not quite so tight.
Yeah. Yeah.
Sorry. I'm just really happy.
No, it's okay, really. Yeah. Thanks.
Bye-bye!
Bye.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Uh, kermit--
[ Laughing ] Whoo-hoo!
I'll mail it to ya.
Whoo-hoo!
Thank you, daniel! Thank you!
Whoopee! [ Laughs ]
I'm back! [ Laughing ]
Boy, this is great! Thank you, daniel!
[ Laughing, gasps ]
Yahoo!
Merry christmas, everyone. I'm back!
- huh? - huh?
I'm back! Look at the--
oh, I'm back! I'm back!
This is wonderful! Merry christmas!
Looks like somebody's been drinkin' a little too much eggnog.
[ Laughs ]
The only thing I drank...
Was a shot of reality and a big glass of appreciation!
[ Laughing maniacally ]
An appreciation of everything, from gonzo's nose...
To piggy's beauty. [ Chuckles ]
Oh, rowlf, it's really you!
Hey, kermit.
Hey, piggy. Wow. Hey. You still got that mistletoe?
Huh?
I'm not talking to vous.
Aw, come on. You don't need mistletoe when you're green.
What?
Ah!
- [ Screams ] - whoa.
[ Miss piggy ] What are you doing?
Yeah, he's drunk all right.
Kissin' a pig on the chops like that?
[ Kisses ] Mwah!
[ Laughs ]
Beauregard!
[ Panting ]
Did you see that?
Yeah.
Did you see that? Kermie kissed me!
He kissed me! Oh! Oh! My dreams just came true.
Oh!
[ Laughs ]
[ Miss piggy ] Don't worry. My fall was cushioned by kermit's love.
Yeah, I hope kermit's love can fix my tuba.
No problem, eugene. You bet. And merry christmas, eugene.
Merry christmas. [ Chuckles ]
[ Sighs ]
Fozzie?
[ Sighs ] Any second now,
I know you'll remember how I let you down.
I understand if you never wanna speak to me again.
Aw.
[ Sighs ] I feel so useless.
Oh, fozzie, are you kidding?
Our friendship is a lot more important than any old theater.
Really?
Really.
Thank you, kermit! Thank you!
You bet.
But why are you so happy? We just lost everything.
I'll tell you why I'm happy, folks.
Because tonight I realized that it's not that horrible that we lost the theater.
Well, that's good, because we lost it.
Yeah, yeah, but, you see, guys, what really matters is--
money!
That's right. I said money.
Let's face it, frog. Money talks.
Oh, let's hear what it has to say, shall we?
Uh, could everybody please pack up and get out,
so ms. Bitterman can gut this place?
Ms. Bitterman, this theater is not yours yet.
[ All ] Yeah!
Yeah! So get out, or I'll throw you out.
Oh!
This little piggy's feeling brave.
And this little piggy's going to kick your skinny banking butt!
Oh-- skinny. Thank you.
It's too bad I can't say the same for you,
Miss porky.
[ Gasps ] Porky?
Oh, here it comes.
Oh! Oh! That does it.
Hi-yah!
- [ All ] Oh! - hmph!
Oh, you did not just do that.
[ Muppet ] Uh-oh.
[ Screaming ]
[ Shouting ]
Ay! Ay! Ay! Ay-yah!
Oh, I see.
[ Muppets murmuring ]
So you want a piece of me?
[ Shouts ]
[ Muppet ] Whoa. Go, piggy.
Piggy, come on!
I see you are very agile for a plus-size pig.
[ Miss piggy grunting ]
[ All gasping ]
Oh, my goodness!
And you will be very unattractive with a plus-size lip.
I'll give you five bucks on the pig.
Oh, make that 10. [ Laughs ]
[ Kermit ] Don't take that. Get her, piggy!
[ Bitterman grunting ]
[ Singsongy ] Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha!
- ow! - ooh!
[ Waldorf ] That's not good.
[ Statler ] that had to hurt.
[ All ] Oh! Oh, my. Oh, my.
[ Whimpers ]
Kermie!
Now listen. Everyone calm down.
Violence won't solve anything.
And ms. Bitterman may take our theater,
but she can never touch the muppet theater in our hearts.
Yes!
That's right.
Well, that's fortunate, because I don't want the theater in your hearts.
I want the theater that exists in reality.
Now if you all wouldn't mind, clear out!
♪ [ Scatting ]
Look, everyone! Look! I got some good news, okay?
Unless, of course, you're a sexy banker lady. Then it sucks, okay?
Oh, I'm really worried. Pee-pee's--
pepe.
Pepe.
Pee-pee's got some bad news.
What, are we out of toenail polish?
No.
I took the monies you paid me...
And filed for a special permit with the city, okay?
The muppet theater is now an official historical landmark, okay?
- historical landmark? - wow!
Historical landmark?
So are we!
[ Laughing ]
The theater can never be torn down or changed.
It will always remain the muppet theater, okay?
- no matter who owns it. - that's amazing!
Yeah!
Ah!
Read it and weep, okay?
Seriously, if you could start weeping,
we'd all appreciate seeing this, okay?
Wow, pepe. That was brave and selfless.
Sí, sí, sí. it was.
But, uh, when you can help friends...
And get revenge on enemies,
isn't that what christmas is all about, okay?
[ Chuckling ]
I can't believe this!
How am I gonna make money off this junky building now?
This is the worst christmas ever.
Or is it the best christmas ever? Why, with an infusion of cash from you,
we could add seats to the balcony--
mee-mee-mee!
Advertise--
and then put on some really spankin' profitable shows.
[ Makes sizzling noise ]
No!
[ Gasps ]
No!
I hate you "muffins"!
Good lord.
No!
[ Piggy ] Ooh, ooh, ooh.
No kidding. I was frightened.
♪ [ Humming ]
Out of my way!
Oh, and a merry humbug to you there, grumpy.
Stupid muffins!
This is absolutely ridiculous!
Hey, uh--
hey. We're all singin' christmas carols outside, and it's snowin', and--
it's real pretty. Wanna come?
[ All ] Yeah!
[ Fozzie ] Come on. Come on. Let's go.
Christmas carols.
Come on.
♪We Wish You A merry christmas ♪
♪And A Happy New Year ♪
♪Good Tidings We Bring To you and your kin ♪
♪Good Tidings For Christmas ♪
♪And A Happy New Year ♪
[ Whirs ]
[ Gasps ] Heavens.
This is our best year ever.
Whoa. Merry christmas.
[ Chuckling ]
Someone up there is looking out for us.
Amazing.
I failed on my mission to get justice for kermit, yet everything managed to work out.
Do you think maybe kermit never needed...
Revenge or justice, or even the theater?
Yeah. But what did he need?
What do you think he needed?
I asked you first.
Yes, but I'm the boss.
Yeah, but I don't know the answer.
People just really need to know what matters in life,
and you opened kermit's eyes and showed him what he already had.
People don't need my intervention.
If people don't need your intervention, then...
How come the salvation army ended up with all the money,
the muppets got to keep their theater,
and bitterman ended up with nothing except her own greed?
Danny-l, I work in mysterious ways.
[ Chuckles ]
Well, on behalf of the muppets, thank you.
♪Everyone Matters ♪
♪Even The Weakest Of the meekest ♪
♪Can Change The Course Of history ♪
♪Everyone Matters ♪
[ Kermit ] ♪Everyone Matters ♪
♪We're In This Together ♪
♪The World Would Be So different ♪
♪If There Never Was A Me ♪
♪Even You ♪
[ Miss piggy ] ♪Even Me ♪
[ Kermit ] ♪You And Me ♪