IN MEMORIA DI ME IN
I need to have an ideal, a reason to live for.
I don't want to keep chasing after
the same freedom that everyone wants.
It's false.
It's false freedom.
What kind of life have you led up to now?
I have lived without depriving myself of anything.
I have loved.
And yet it seemed I wasn't getting anywhere,
that I had nothing more to give.
And my heart suffered.
But I buried it inside me without asking questions.
Anyway, for everyone else, I was a winner.
I started losing sleep because I was afraid
to look around and find nothing there.
I don't know why I started going to Mass
and reading the Gospel.
It's hard to explain, but...
a new way of being
occurred to me.
What do you want to become?
A person.
IN MEMORY OF MYSELF
Come in.
Please be seated.
Congratulations, you have passed a brief, but difficult test
of isolation over the last few days.
Tomorrow, you will encounter your personal silence...
Silence which sharpens discernment,
which will judge a vocation.
If there is one.
As you know, this is a period dedicated to spiritual training.
It is a question of turning perspectives around,
of changing the way you have looked at the world up to now.
To obtain this new perspective,
we must envelop ourselves in silence and prayer.
We are not accustomed to listening to the silence
which speaks deep within us.
Where God dwells.
The rules of the house serve this purpose.
You will learn this.
Some of them will perhaps surprise you.
They will challenge your way of thinking.
Your brothers will be looking out for you
as you should look out for them.
Indicating the shortcomings of a brother to the Father Superior
is an act of charity.
It is like self-denunciation, like confessing your own sins,
the dark side of yourself
which needs to be brought to the light.
Finally, do not forget that
while you are here to test the Order,
the Order will be testing you.
After you.
I would like to introduce our new brother, Andrea.
Come.
This is the community which is hosting you:
The retired Fathers,
the Father Superiors and your new companions.
With time, you will meet them all.
- Please be seated. - Thank you.
We thank you, Father, for the food that you have granted us.
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.
And these are our quarters.
Follow me.
You live here.
Have you met Fausto?
It's basic, but you'll find everything you need.
The Father Master asked me to help you with our daily schedule
at the start.
Anyway, it's the same everyday,
barring exceptions.
- Welcome. - Thank you.
I am sorry.
Hold this. You can fill up the bucket in the lavatory.
You can start with this part of the corridor.
Then remember to put it back in here.
When the bell rings, we start the meditations the Father Master gave us.
Yes, yes, thank you.
- He already gave them to me. - Good. See you later.
Leave it.
Come in.
"If anyone wants to be my follower, let him renounce himself,
take up his cross and follow me."
Man's secret yet constant thought is to save himself
to ensure a material existence which he is destined to lose.
This desperate, useless quest makes him self-centred.
Causes him to destroy himself and others.
True life, however, is loving Him who loved us first.
This is true life which will never die.
It's your turn, Fausto.
Mark 8, 31-35.
In reference to
De Rienzo's 34.
"If anyone wants to be my follower,
let him renounce himself, take up his cross and follow me."
Well...
This passage...
explains what it means to become a disciple of Jesus.
The key phrase is as follows:
"Anyone who wants to save his life, will lose it,
but anyone who loses his life for my sake and for the Gospel,
will save it".
Well,
the point is...
what is meant by life?
The...
term in the Greek text,
psyche,
corresponds to the Hebrew term
nephesh...
Let me start again.
The Greek term psyche, life,
corresponds to the Hebrew term nephesh, breath of life.
Therefore,
life is...
breath.
But also...
Personality, responsibility.
I'm sorry.
Well,
at the end of the day,
as usual,
we have come before the Lord to go over it with Him.
Let's attempt to go over the events which marked the day,
the encounters we've had.
We think back with gratitude on the gifts we've received.
We think back also on the moments when we forgot the Lord,
when we were concentrating only on ourselves.
Fausto...
"It is great not to be subject to a passion for things,
but it is far greater to remain impassive before their image."
Maximus the Confessor is telling us all that inflicts pain are images,
and therefore unreal.
When for example we go through states of anxiety and then it finally passes,
we say that it was nothing, nothing caused our anxiety.
It was only the appearance, not the reality of things.
Therefore I tell you that even if you are suffering,
learn not to let it show.
Train yourselves to remain impassive, to conceal your torments.
You will see that it will become an internal habit.
One day, in the desert of Egypt, a young man went to a monk
to ask if he could become his disciple.
The monk said that his first task would be to go up to some statues
and insult them.
And then go back to them to ask their forgiveness.
The young man went but when he came back to the monk he said:
"I have done what you told me, but the statues remained impassive".
And the monk answered: "Come back when you're like those statues".
Our aim is to become indifferent to everything.
We must not desire wealth over poverty,
health over illness,
success rather than scorn,
or a long life rather than a short one.
Those of us here,
strive only for what fulfils the aim for which we were created.
To resemble God.
We thank you, Lord, for the food...
Lord...
recognizing our own sins is greater than bringing a dead man to life.
He who weeps for an hour for himself
is greater than he who instructs the whole world.
He who recognizes his own weaknesses
is greater than he who sees an angel.
He who follows Christ in secret
is greater than he who enjoys much fame in church.
Nobody can recognize his own sins
without at the same time knowing God.
Not before, nor after.
At the very same instant.
The same identical intuition of grace.
We thank you, Lord,
for the food that you granted us again today
and that we ate in your presence.
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.
Amen.
Soul of Christ, sanctify me, Body of Christ, save me.
Blood of Christ, inebriate me, water from the Rib of Christ, cleanse me.
Passion of Christ, comfort me.
Good Lord, hear me hide me in your wounds.
Do not let me stray from You.
Defend me from my evil enemy and call me on my hour of death.
Let me come to You to praise You and all the Saints forever and ever.
Soul of Christ, sanctify me, Body of Christ, save me.
Blood of Christ...
Defend me from my evil enemy and call me on my hour of death.
Let me come to You to praise You and all the Saints forever and ever.
As you must have realized, one of your brothers has left us.
Serious family matters forced him to return home.
In the hope of his return one day,
let us pray to the Lord to accompany him in his trials.
We offer thanks to you, Lord Jesus.
Watch over us that we remain united in your name.
May you be blessed now and forevermore.
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
- The doctor's here. - Thank you.
Father...
I'm sorry to bother you.
What is it?
It's about Panella.
I saw him leave the house last night.
- I heard noises and... - His family came to pick him up.
Why are you lying, Father?
Because it's right.
And so it should be referred to the novices to avoid problems.
It is also right that Fausto left if he didn't wish to stay here.
In any event, these things do not concern us.
His parents came to pick him up.
Do you require any further explanation?
A community based on Christ does not judge.
But living alongside others and listening to what they have to tell us
is a great opportunity for us to discover our own behaviour.
How we appear to others and what we communicate to them.
The comments of others serve to question our own image,
the image we have created of ourselves.
Only humiliation can teach us the essence of humility.
Listen, Andrea,
to what your brothers have to say to you.
You seem too sure of yourself.
You are too curious, too indiscreet.
You seem presumptuous.
It seems like you are running away from something.
It feels like you are judging me.
You seem cold, indifferent.
I'm afraid of you, you seem arrogant.
You seem vain.
It's the new schedule for the homilies.
It's tomorrow. You're the first.
You'll have to write it tonight.
We have taken refuge here, in the shade of this island,
the dwelling of God,
that takes us in and absolves us from every human fear.
What have we given up?
Only that which we didn't want anyway.
Love so commonplace that it was destined to die of habit.
We have discovered that our revolution lies in rules.
Daily routines, rituals
and liturgies which prevent us from straying into error.
But this is still no guarantee that we will become better men.
We quote the Scriptures,
meditate on the Gospel,
but no one knows better than we do how difficult it is to live by them.
Should we blame ourselves for this?
Is there another path for us, other than teaching the Gospel?
No.
We know that we must be the guides for humanity,
that when hearing the Gospel, desires ethics.
That when sensing love, prefers severity.
That when hoping for forgiveness, hurries to condemn.
And when it should fall silent and weep,
asks God to account for what it,
and it alone, should have done.
You are judging.
There is no love in what you say.
I don't pretend to make people fall in love.
I am here to learn the contents of the faith.
But love is the contents of the faith.
I think people must fall in love with Christ
even if they have never read a word
of the tons of literature that has been written about Him.
How can you be scientific about Christ?
We are called upon to explain the reasons for our faith.
The Gospel exists.
He who explains it must give the instruments to understand it.
You are the Gospel when you are a priest.
It is through you that the people expect to see Christ.
If there weren't a single copy of the Gospel in the world,
if I was told that God doesn't exist,
that Jesus Christ was only a lie...
But if through someone else,
I truly experienced Him myself,
be certain...
Be certain I'd prefer to stay with Christ
than with all the other truths of this world.
Please be seated.
The Father Master informs me
that you show great ability in your studies.
In particular, he praised your writing skills.
As you know, our job here
is to enhance your individual capacities.
The work of the Lord is accomplished through our gifts,
the gifts He bestowed on us.
Who are you?
Why have you come here?
Write about the process you are following,
the reasons for it.
Try to explain it.
Personally, I would be happy to read something of the sort.
I know it's hard at first.
But try and keep at it, as you have done so far.
We are certain that you can do very well in the future.
I am counting on you, Andrea.
Why are you following me?
To be everything in life, I risked becoming nothing at all.
I'd managed to give up every responsibility.
It was all the same, I said.
We're just ants.
Ghosts.
Then one evening,
I went out into the street
and made up my mind not to avoid traffic anymore.
All I had to do to die was to stand still.
I'm not pretending I was enlightened.
It only lasted a second.
And everything was so present.
In the depths of it,
I didn't feel alone anymore.
I realized that evil
was what I myself was doing,
and that I needed forgiveness.
Perhaps for the first time
in my life, I felt...
I felt loved.
And so I...
And so I came here,
in order not to lose myself.
But the silence
of this church
is empty.
They need truth
to be dead.
They need truth to be...
dead.
Why are you here?
I'm here for myself.
Because the world won't change,
if I don't change first.
We aren't changing the world.
We're only copying it.
And why are you still here?
Because I'm afraid.
Who's in the infirmary?
Come in.
I hope I'm not disturbing you.
Last night I overheard something that I think I should tell you.
What were you and Zanna talking about last night?
Well? Answer me !
He has some doubts.
He is asking himself questions.
What do you mean, asking himself questions?
Well?
Explain to your brothers what sort of questions he has.
He feels he is dying in here.
Here we prepare you to become men of God.
To be ready to serve Him
whenever needed.
You should be ready to cross continents,
overcome diffidence and opposition,
face wars
and even martyrdom.
And you must always be prepared
to carry out the orders of your Superiors.
If you are incapable of accepting this servitude,
you are free to return to the world.
The doors remain open
for those who wish to leave.
The novitiate is when the novice tests the Order,
and the Order tests the novice.
Do not forget this.
Not all of you will see it through.
"If your brother does something wrong, go and have it out with him alone,
If he listens to you, you have won him back." Matthew 18:25.
I have decided to leave. I wanted to tell you.
If I stayed, I'd only be doing myself harm.
I can't do it.
Why should I? To keep a promise I made to men?
It would be madness.
To God?
But God is everywhere.
He is in me.
I'm taking him with me.
What will you do?
I don't know.
I'm going to go in the opposite direction to this place,
opposite to everyone in here.
Who am I?
Tell me who I am.
Tell me why I'm here.
Who am I?
I pretend...
I'm pretending...
I'm pretending !
I'm not able to love.
It's not me you're looking for.
It's not me.
Do you understand? It's not me.
I'm worthless.
I don't believe in anything.
I'm coming with you.
We're leaving tonight.
Father.
Andrea...
I'm sorry.
Accepting who we are is the first charity.
I'm sorry, Father.
Andrea,
make up your mind that today is not the end,
but a new beginning.
Why did you come to me?
To tell me that you want to be free?
You have always been free here.
You look at me with pride.
You should know that I, too,
spent some time chasing after the freedom you say you love.
Your freedom is a desperate freedom,
shouting against the emptiness in the heavens.
But Christ did not descend from the Cross.
He wasn't forcing man to believe, to be a slave to an almighty god.
He let Himself be killed, to give man the freedom
to believe or not.
To love Him.
Or reject Him.
What He was asking was unconstrained faith,
unconstrained love.
But Christ had too much faith in humanity.
Humanity doesn't want to be free,
but to be slaves.
And so we,
we above all others,
have chosen His freedom.
We,
and we alone, have the right to teach
that it is not the freedom of choice your heart desires that counts.
Not the love you desire,
but the mystery.
The terrifying mystery... of a weak God.
I was created to carry out a plan for which no one else was created.
I occupy a place in the eyes of God,
in God's world,
that no one else occupies.
It doesn't matter if I am rich,
poor, admired or scorned by other men.
God knows me and calls me by name.
He has entrusted me with a task entrusted to no one else.
I have a mission
and in some way I am necessary in His plan.
God did not make me in vain.
IN MEMORY OF MYSELF