1
00:00:01,091 --> 00:00:06,091
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com

2
00:00:06,092 --> 00:00:08,887
<i>Listen, listen, listen...</i>

3
00:00:08,970 --> 00:00:13,015
You're talking. You keep talking.
You keep talking. You keep talking.

4
00:00:13,099 --> 00:00:16,102
Can you stop talking? There you go,
perfect. Here's the deal.

5
00:00:16,185 --> 00:00:18,605
I told you this before
and I'm not gonna tell you again,

6
00:00:18,688 --> 00:00:21,441
the tickets are at will call, Zac.
Just go to will call.

7
00:00:21,524 --> 00:00:23,777
All right? I'm not lying to you.
I'm not gonna trick you.

8
00:00:23,860 --> 00:00:26,529
I know you're bringing a date.
It's fine. I left them at will call.

9
00:00:26,613 --> 00:00:27,697
I...

10
00:00:27,822 --> 00:00:29,741
I can't talk about this, okay? Bye. Bye.

11
00:00:29,824 --> 00:00:32,118
Just get here... Ah! Fuck it!

12
00:00:32,702 --> 00:00:33,661
Goddamn it!

13
00:00:34,287 --> 00:00:36,497
Hey, what? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

14
00:00:36,581 --> 00:00:38,959
I need to see a pass, man. You didn't...
You can't read?

15
00:00:39,041 --> 00:00:41,669
That says "VIP."
You don't look very important at all.

16
00:00:41,753 --> 00:00:45,006
Okay, it's a personal attack?
Umm... It's my show, actually.

17
00:00:45,089 --> 00:00:46,340
- So...
- It's your show? What...

18
00:00:46,466 --> 00:00:49,719
I mean, who are you? I don't even...
You're just walking up. What? Who are you?

19
00:00:49,803 --> 00:00:51,137
I'm Brent Morin. It's...

20
00:00:51,220 --> 00:00:53,222
- Who?
- Brent Morin. It's my show.

21
00:00:53,306 --> 00:00:54,766
I... I have to get in there.

22
00:00:54,849 --> 00:00:57,143
[mockingly] Oh, you have to.
"I have to get..."

23
00:00:57,226 --> 00:00:59,896
No, you don't. You don't have a pass,
so you're not getting in.

24
00:00:59,980 --> 00:01:02,440
- This is my special.
- I don't care if you're special.

25
00:01:02,523 --> 00:01:05,860
I don't care what kind of helmet
you wear to school. I don't care.

26
00:01:05,944 --> 00:01:07,904
No, I'm not special.
I'm saying this is my special,

27
00:01:07,988 --> 00:01:10,490
my first comedy special for Netflix and
I'm about to go on stage in five minutes.

28
00:01:10,573 --> 00:01:13,034
- I have to get in there, you idiot.
- You're not doing nothing for Netflix,

29
00:01:13,117 --> 00:01:15,703
- 'cause they cut my account off.
- Look, I have to go, okay?

30
00:01:15,787 --> 00:01:16,830
[groans] Okay.

31
00:01:16,913 --> 00:01:18,999
You think I'm playing with you?
I told you...

32
00:01:19,081 --> 00:01:22,043
- I told you... that I needed... a pass.
- Did you just slap me?

33
00:01:22,126 --> 00:01:23,753
- Now, where... You got a pass.
- I don't have a pass.

34
00:01:23,837 --> 00:01:25,797
- It's my special.
- You got a... You got a pass.

35
00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:28,382
[Adam] Whoa. Len, he's good.
Release. Release.

36
00:01:28,466 --> 00:01:30,259
- Yeah, dude...
- No, 'cause they keep tryin' me, Adam.

37
00:01:30,343 --> 00:01:31,719
I told him he need a pass.

38
00:01:31,803 --> 00:01:33,680
What did I tell you about
strangling people back here, dude?

39
00:01:33,763 --> 00:01:35,932
You gotta take it down. It's Brent Morin.
It's his special tonight.

40
00:01:36,016 --> 00:01:37,851
- He's cool. All right? He's with me.
- He's good? He's with...

41
00:01:37,934 --> 00:01:40,645
- I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry.
- He's with me. This is my list.

42
00:01:40,728 --> 00:01:42,563
- I'm with him, we're here together.
- Hey! Hey, whoa.

43
00:01:42,647 --> 00:01:43,523
You're with him? Man...

44
00:01:43,606 --> 00:01:44,899
- How you been, man?
- I've been great, dude.

45
00:01:44,983 --> 00:01:47,027
- You're looking good, man.
- I appreciate it, man.

46
00:01:47,109 --> 00:01:48,402
- We gotta do drinks.
- Definitely.

47
00:01:48,486 --> 00:01:50,154
- Get him a pass.
- Dude, let it go.

48
00:01:50,237 --> 00:01:51,322
Let it go, take the loss.

49
00:01:51,405 --> 00:01:53,407
- Oh, Jesus. Do you have a pass?
- Pass?

50
00:01:53,491 --> 00:01:55,576
Dude, what is this, PE?
I just walked the fuck in.

51
00:01:56,285 --> 00:01:58,204
Oh, my God. That guy looks
so much like me.

52
00:01:59,664 --> 00:02:00,957
- Okay.
- You got a girl coming?

53
00:02:01,041 --> 00:02:03,250
Yes. Yeah, Instagram, she could
be the one, or not.

54
00:02:03,334 --> 00:02:06,046
I don't know. Doesn't matter.
Saved her a seat, right up front.

55
00:02:06,128 --> 00:02:07,005
Couldn't look better.

56
00:02:07,088 --> 00:02:09,173
- Dude, it's your night, live it up.
- That's what I'm saying.

57
00:02:09,256 --> 00:02:10,591
Yup, I'm grabbing him right now.
Hi, Brent?

58
00:02:10,675 --> 00:02:12,093
Hi, I'm Laura, the stage manager.

59
00:02:12,176 --> 00:02:14,095
- Hi, Laura.
- We're three minutes out.

60
00:02:14,220 --> 00:02:15,096
- Beautiful. Thank you.
- Okay?

61
00:02:15,179 --> 00:02:17,181
- Um, is that what you're wearing?
- Yes.

62
00:02:17,891 --> 00:02:19,059
Really?

63
00:02:19,141 --> 00:02:20,267
Uh, yeah. What the fuck?

64
00:02:20,351 --> 00:02:21,477
- What the fuck?
- All right.

65
00:02:21,561 --> 00:02:23,145
He refuses to change it, guys.

66
00:02:23,229 --> 00:02:25,106
- What the fuck is that?
- It's his go-to. Talk about your...

67
00:02:25,189 --> 00:02:27,316
- You look like Drake. Don't listen to her.
- Thank you.

68
00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:29,318
That's bullshit.
This is your night, all right?

69
00:02:30,111 --> 00:02:31,153
Oh.

70
00:02:31,237 --> 00:02:33,948
- What the fuck... Sorry?
- Sorry.

71
00:02:34,741 --> 00:02:36,117
You don't seem sorry.

72
00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:38,285
Well, I said it, so I am.

73
00:02:38,369 --> 00:02:41,163
Um, Brent, this is T. She's dope, right?

74
00:02:41,247 --> 00:02:42,164
What the fuck?

75
00:02:42,248 --> 00:02:45,209
We're gonna need a few more minutes.
So, I guess you're not wearing that shirt?

76
00:02:45,292 --> 00:02:48,046
Oh, I bet you're really happy about that.
What the fuck? What's that about?

77
00:02:48,129 --> 00:02:49,964
I don't give a shit who this is.
What the hell?

78
00:02:50,048 --> 00:02:51,007
His hair is thinning.

79
00:02:51,465 --> 00:02:53,051
- What?
- [laughing]

80
00:02:53,134 --> 00:02:55,011
Baby, that's rude... and true.

81
00:02:55,845 --> 00:02:58,639
What the fuck are you doing back here?
Why aren't you with Mom and Dad?

82
00:02:58,723 --> 00:02:59,849
I've seen it.

83
00:02:59,933 --> 00:03:03,394
Okay, Brent, it is time to go.
It is show-time.

84
00:03:03,477 --> 00:03:05,688
Okay. All right. Fine, I have to go, okay?

85
00:03:05,772 --> 00:03:08,232
- Intro music. What you coming...
- Come out to Hall & Oates.

86
00:03:08,315 --> 00:03:09,776
- Who gives a shit?
- Ooh.

87
00:03:09,859 --> 00:03:11,945
- Yeah.
- They got like five slaps.

88
00:03:12,028 --> 00:03:13,613
Slappin', all the songs.

89
00:03:13,863 --> 00:03:15,406
What the fuck are you talking about?

90
00:03:15,489 --> 00:03:18,492
No, I'm not dealing with
any lingo right now, okay?

91
00:03:18,576 --> 00:03:20,036
I have to go and I will have to change

92
00:03:20,161 --> 00:03:22,122
and I don't get to wear
my goddamn Drake sweater!

93
00:03:22,204 --> 00:03:24,040
And I thank you, T, I appreciate it.

94
00:03:24,124 --> 00:03:27,001
Yeah, keep looking at me like that.
I... Goddamn!

95
00:03:27,085 --> 00:03:28,294
[cheering]

96
00:03:28,377 --> 00:03:30,964
[announcer] <i>Make it loud,</i>
<i>keep those hands clapping.</i>

97
00:03:31,047 --> 00:03:35,176
<i>Give it up for Brent Morin!</i>

98
00:03:37,678 --> 00:03:40,640
[upbeat music playing]

99
00:03:41,223 --> 00:03:44,018
[applauding and cheering]

100
00:03:50,650 --> 00:03:53,611
[applauding and cheering continues]

101
00:03:55,613 --> 00:03:56,990
New York!

102
00:03:57,615 --> 00:03:59,867
Hey! Yeah.

103
00:04:01,035 --> 00:04:03,871
It's not gonna get better than that.
That was awesome.

104
00:04:04,789 --> 00:04:08,042
Holy shit. I wish every girl that turned
me down was here right now.

105
00:04:08,126 --> 00:04:09,710
That'd be awesome.

106
00:04:10,336 --> 00:04:11,337
Fuck you.

107
00:04:12,463 --> 00:04:14,215
I was gonna say a name,
but I realized if I said it,

108
00:04:14,298 --> 00:04:16,092
maybe they're here
and it'll be really weird.

109
00:04:16,176 --> 00:04:17,093
So I'm not gonna do that.

110
00:04:17,177 --> 00:04:19,720
Oh, man. New York, New York.

111
00:04:19,804 --> 00:04:22,473
I'm an east coast kid, Connecticut,
let's not judge me.

112
00:04:22,556 --> 00:04:24,350
- [cheering]
- Yeah!

113
00:04:25,768 --> 00:04:27,979
So white. This whole audience is white.

114
00:04:28,062 --> 00:04:29,230
I just realized that.

115
00:04:29,313 --> 00:04:32,775
This is the whitest audience
I've ever seen in my entire life.

116
00:04:32,859 --> 00:04:34,902
This is the cutest shit I've ever seen.

117
00:04:35,862 --> 00:04:38,280
It's like a fucking CW show
in here right now.

118
00:04:38,364 --> 00:04:39,406
[laughing]

119
00:04:39,490 --> 00:04:43,577
This is who I bring out, huh,
just tax payers? I have nobody edgy?

120
00:04:44,620 --> 00:04:47,832
Goddamn it! I gotta get a scandal.

121
00:04:48,624 --> 00:04:50,584
All right, shut up. Focus. Sorry.

122
00:04:50,668 --> 00:04:52,712
[laughing]

123
00:04:52,795 --> 00:04:54,505
I gotta get into it. Okay.

124
00:04:54,588 --> 00:04:57,550
All right, look, here's the deal.
I got some... Okay, just...

125
00:04:57,633 --> 00:04:59,010
All right. Shut up.

126
00:04:59,093 --> 00:05:00,011
[laughing]

127
00:05:00,094 --> 00:05:03,097
I had a girl leave me
for a magician, recently.

128
00:05:03,181 --> 00:05:04,765
[laughing]

129
00:05:04,849 --> 00:05:05,892
Why is it funny?

130
00:05:06,559 --> 00:05:07,601
It happens.

131
00:05:08,853 --> 00:05:10,771
Maybe it doesn't happen.
Maybe, at Hogwarts it happens.

132
00:05:10,855 --> 00:05:13,357
I don't know if it happens in real life.
But it happened to me.

133
00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:15,151
First off,
we weren't boyfriend-girlfriend.

134
00:05:15,235 --> 00:05:16,360
Let me explain that, okay?

135
00:05:16,443 --> 00:05:18,362
I'm a single man,
I like being a single man.

136
00:05:18,445 --> 00:05:20,198
Being a single man is fun, I enjoy it.

137
00:05:20,281 --> 00:05:22,909
And when you're single you don't
have to deal with that confrontation.

138
00:05:22,992 --> 00:05:25,078
What usually happens is
you hook up for a few months

139
00:05:25,161 --> 00:05:26,453
then you go your separate ways,

140
00:05:26,537 --> 00:05:29,832
then maybe you run into each other and
you have that half sentence conversation.

141
00:05:29,916 --> 00:05:33,669
You know, like, "Wow. I know. Hi. Bye."
You know, that shit.

142
00:05:33,753 --> 00:05:34,712
[laughing]

143
00:05:34,795 --> 00:05:36,547
So, I'm at a party, I see this girl,

144
00:05:36,630 --> 00:05:39,259
I assume we're about to
have that conversation. I am.

145
00:05:39,341 --> 00:05:42,386
But she walks up to me and
the way she started this, I realize

146
00:05:42,469 --> 00:05:44,264
that we weren't gonna
have that conversation.

147
00:05:44,346 --> 00:05:48,350
She walked up to me and this is the first
thing she says, she goes, "Hey, Brent, hi.

148
00:05:48,434 --> 00:05:51,312
Um, listen, I've been meaning
to talk to you..."

149
00:05:52,396 --> 00:05:53,231
[sighs]

150
00:05:53,314 --> 00:05:54,148
[laughing]

151
00:05:55,066 --> 00:05:59,237
Any time a girl has to verbalize
a breathing, that's like...

152
00:05:59,570 --> 00:06:00,404
- [sighs]
- [laughing]

153
00:06:00,487 --> 00:06:02,489
The second she did that,
my heart was sweating.

154
00:06:02,573 --> 00:06:04,200
You ever had your heart sweat before?

155
00:06:04,284 --> 00:06:07,494
Like, you're in high school and you
call your teacher "Mom" for no reason,

156
00:06:07,578 --> 00:06:08,495
you ever do that shit?

157
00:06:09,247 --> 00:06:11,540
Am I the only one who got caught
off guard in the morning?

158
00:06:11,624 --> 00:06:13,417
Like, "Hey, Brent." "Hey, Mom. Fuck!"

159
00:06:13,500 --> 00:06:14,835
[laughing]

160
00:06:14,919 --> 00:06:17,630
"What'd you say? Shut the fuck up, Elliot!
Don't tell anybody."

161
00:06:19,299 --> 00:06:22,718
So, now my heart is sweating and I'm at
this party and I'm with my good friends.

162
00:06:22,802 --> 00:06:25,679
What I mean by that is I'm with
my worst friends, okay?

163
00:06:26,222 --> 00:06:27,640
So, they hear this... [sighs]

164
00:06:27,723 --> 00:06:29,683
Like, it's a dog whistle
and immediately they're like,

165
00:06:29,767 --> 00:06:30,810
"Holy shit. Everybody, get in.

166
00:06:30,893 --> 00:06:33,437
Get in. No, get in. It could be an STD.

167
00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:35,481
She could say STD. No.

168
00:06:35,564 --> 00:06:38,442
Bring in all the pretty girls
from the back. Everybody, come in.

169
00:06:39,026 --> 00:06:41,695
Please be pregnant. Please be pregnant."
Like, he's doing that shit.

170
00:06:41,779 --> 00:06:42,905
[laughing]

171
00:06:42,989 --> 00:06:45,866
So, now I'm sitting there,
my heart is sweating, she's there,

172
00:06:45,950 --> 00:06:49,203
friends, strangers all around and this
is what she says to me, word for word,

173
00:06:49,287 --> 00:06:52,665
she goes,
"Look, um, the reason why I, kind of,

174
00:06:52,748 --> 00:06:54,875
fell off the map is...

175
00:06:54,959 --> 00:06:57,878
Okay, so, I started dating this magician."

176
00:06:59,297 --> 00:07:02,133
Now, you ever think that you
heard something, but you're like,

177
00:07:02,216 --> 00:07:04,010
"There's no fucking way
I just heard that."

178
00:07:06,387 --> 00:07:08,348
You know, you're like,
"Did you say penis party?"

179
00:07:08,430 --> 00:07:10,850
They're like, "No, I said let's
go to a fucking Blockbuster." Whatever.

180
00:07:10,933 --> 00:07:13,311
Even though Blockbuster isn't open.
That was a terrible reference,

181
00:07:13,394 --> 00:07:14,228
you know what I mean.

182
00:07:15,271 --> 00:07:17,648
It's gone. Netflix. Hey! Ha!

183
00:07:18,482 --> 00:07:20,360
[cheering and laughing]

184
00:07:25,281 --> 00:07:27,074
So she says, "Magician."

185
00:07:27,158 --> 00:07:31,620
Understand, that's obviously not what
I think somebody's gonna say to me.

186
00:07:31,704 --> 00:07:34,957
So, I immediately go,
"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

187
00:07:35,041 --> 00:07:36,625
My friend leans in and goes,

188
00:07:36,792 --> 00:07:38,378
"She said she left you for a magician."

189
00:07:38,460 --> 00:07:40,046
[laughing]

190
00:07:40,129 --> 00:07:41,381
"She left him for a magician.

191
00:07:41,463 --> 00:07:44,842
She left him... No, no, no, it's worse
than an STD. Tell all your pretty friends.

192
00:07:45,426 --> 00:07:48,137
Yeah, a magician, like one
of those circus freaks. Yeah."

193
00:07:48,221 --> 00:07:49,680
Here's the problem I have with that.

194
00:07:49,763 --> 00:07:52,599
Why say magician, why say magician,

195
00:07:52,683 --> 00:07:56,062
like that's a normal job, like that's
something you could say in life?

196
00:07:56,145 --> 00:07:57,479
You might as well say puppeteer.

197
00:07:57,563 --> 00:08:00,941
Don't fucking just say magician,
like magic's real.

198
00:08:01,025 --> 00:08:02,776
Nobody's flying home tonight.

199
00:08:03,903 --> 00:08:06,488
You're not dating David Blaine.
'Cause here's the problem I have.

200
00:08:06,572 --> 00:08:08,699
I don't think there's
a lot of middle class magicians.

201
00:08:09,116 --> 00:08:10,910
[laughing]

202
00:08:11,285 --> 00:08:15,206
I think you're either rich and we know
you, or you're poor with a rabbit, okay?

203
00:08:16,249 --> 00:08:17,083
For real.

204
00:08:17,291 --> 00:08:19,752
I don't think you go to
a cul-de-sac in the suburbs

205
00:08:19,877 --> 00:08:22,171
and see a guy pushing a push mower
with a fucking cape on.

206
00:08:22,255 --> 00:08:23,381
I don't think that happens.

207
00:08:25,425 --> 00:08:27,093
Fucking magician, really?

208
00:08:27,718 --> 00:08:28,969
A magician.

209
00:08:29,636 --> 00:08:31,931
I know you wonder why I'm being
shitty towards magicians.

210
00:08:32,014 --> 00:08:34,141
As a fellow entertainer,
I should appreciate that.

211
00:08:34,225 --> 00:08:36,227
Like, what happened with
me and a magician.

212
00:08:36,310 --> 00:08:39,897
Like, was my dad a magician and left us?
I know I have that energy right now.

213
00:08:40,773 --> 00:08:43,943
Like, I was eight, getting ready for
baseball and my dad's like, "Bye, son."

214
00:08:44,444 --> 00:08:45,652
Puff!

215
00:08:47,821 --> 00:08:49,573
[laughing]

216
00:08:54,370 --> 00:08:55,288
[child voice] Papa?

217
00:08:58,165 --> 00:08:59,250
Papa?

218
00:09:01,294 --> 00:09:02,420
Papa?

219
00:09:04,838 --> 00:09:06,632
I don't know why I'm saying, "Papa."

220
00:09:07,758 --> 00:09:09,802
I assume your dad's
a magician from the old country,

221
00:09:09,885 --> 00:09:10,970
wherever the fuck that is.

222
00:09:12,472 --> 00:09:14,807
Honestly, I just like to picture
all my childhood memories,

223
00:09:14,890 --> 00:09:17,768
like, me as a little Italian boy
from the 1900s. For real.

224
00:09:18,102 --> 00:09:19,479
For real, like, it's bad.

225
00:09:19,561 --> 00:09:22,064
I've been doing this, like, that was
the best time to be a kid.

226
00:09:22,148 --> 00:09:24,400
I wish I was a little Italian boy
from the 1900s.

227
00:09:24,484 --> 00:09:26,193
You ever see a picture
of one of those kids?

228
00:09:26,402 --> 00:09:29,280
Baggy clothes, obviously from
the brother that just died.

229
00:09:29,363 --> 00:09:30,864
You know, they got the hand-me-downs.

230
00:09:31,573 --> 00:09:33,326
They always look tired as shit. [giggles]

231
00:09:33,993 --> 00:09:36,662
Papa... [mimicking foreign language]

232
00:09:38,038 --> 00:09:40,666
Always yelling at their mom,
"Mama! Papa, he poof!"

233
00:09:44,378 --> 00:09:45,296
"Fuck this I go!"

234
00:09:47,214 --> 00:09:50,092
"Where are you going?"
"I go to America, I be a comedian."

235
00:09:52,470 --> 00:09:53,971
And that's how I got here.

236
00:09:54,638 --> 00:09:55,889
That's so stupid.

237
00:09:55,973 --> 00:09:56,849
I'm the biggest idiot.

238
00:09:56,932 --> 00:09:59,519
You're starting to realize why
I'm single, by the way. This is...

239
00:09:59,601 --> 00:10:03,314
This is true. I'm actually trying to
find a picture of a little Italian boy

240
00:10:03,397 --> 00:10:04,940
from the 1900s, this is real,

241
00:10:05,065 --> 00:10:08,110
so that I could frame it,
like, a good frame, like, a good frame,

242
00:10:08,194 --> 00:10:09,362
not that cheap shit,

243
00:10:09,445 --> 00:10:13,991
like, a good frame and put it in my house
next to, like, my family photos,

244
00:10:14,074 --> 00:10:16,160
so that when women
come over and go, "Who's that?"

245
00:10:16,243 --> 00:10:19,413
I could be like, "That's me as a child."
Then they just never bring it up again.

246
00:10:19,913 --> 00:10:21,541
[laughing]

247
00:10:22,416 --> 00:10:25,002
Because my hope is that they
go to brunch the next day,

248
00:10:25,085 --> 00:10:27,588
and her friends are like, "So, how is he?"
She's gotta be like,

249
00:10:27,671 --> 00:10:30,132
"Um, you know, I think he's, like, 100."

250
00:10:30,632 --> 00:10:31,967
[laughing]

251
00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:35,721
This is so stupid.

252
00:10:36,722 --> 00:10:38,349
You know what's even dumber than that?

253
00:10:38,432 --> 00:10:40,309
Some of you don't believe me,
I'm actually trying to do this.

254
00:10:40,393 --> 00:10:42,936
I'm on the road and I realize,
"Oh, my project..."

255
00:10:43,020 --> 00:10:45,939
'Cause that's what I call these things.
I don't have a day job. I'm just like,

256
00:10:46,023 --> 00:10:47,649
"Oh, I got that project I have to do."

257
00:10:48,234 --> 00:10:52,279
So, I Google Image little Italian boys
from the 1900s.

258
00:10:52,363 --> 00:10:54,073
[laughing]

259
00:10:54,156 --> 00:10:56,242
Yeah, you see how you got it right away?

260
00:10:56,325 --> 00:10:57,701
[laughing]

261
00:10:57,784 --> 00:11:00,079
It took me, like, two days to realize

262
00:11:00,162 --> 00:11:02,415
that's not something you Google Image.

263
00:11:04,124 --> 00:11:06,335
So I panicked and I, like,
deleted the history.

264
00:11:07,044 --> 00:11:09,088
And then my friend was like,
"So, let me get this straight,

265
00:11:09,171 --> 00:11:13,426
you Google Imaged
little Italian boys from 1900s.

266
00:11:13,509 --> 00:11:16,596
Then, two days later, you deleted it.
So, basically, what you're saying is,

267
00:11:16,678 --> 00:11:19,723
you looked at 'em, got what you wanted
and got rid of the evidence."

268
00:11:19,806 --> 00:11:21,934
[laughing]

269
00:11:23,102 --> 00:11:25,020
Because it's not like
I Google Searched it.

270
00:11:25,104 --> 00:11:26,855
You Google Search it,
it could be a project,

271
00:11:26,939 --> 00:11:30,067
who knows, like an actual project.
It could be a family tree.

272
00:11:30,150 --> 00:11:32,612
Google Image just goes,
"I wanna look at 'em."

273
00:11:32,694 --> 00:11:33,737
You know what I mean?

274
00:11:34,947 --> 00:11:37,699
I don't know who red flags this shit,
but I'm definitely red flagged.

275
00:11:37,783 --> 00:11:39,034
There's no way in hell I'm not.

276
00:11:39,118 --> 00:11:40,827
Whoever was doing it was like, "Boss...

277
00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:43,330
Boss, we got a weird one.
You gotta get in here.

278
00:11:43,664 --> 00:11:45,207
No, he's specific."

279
00:11:45,291 --> 00:11:47,084
[laughing]

280
00:11:50,254 --> 00:11:51,464
So, the magician showed up.

281
00:11:53,340 --> 00:11:55,092
Showed up to the party. Hot.

282
00:11:57,553 --> 00:11:58,720
So fucking hot.

283
00:11:59,513 --> 00:12:02,141
I don't even think he opened the door.
I think it just opened.

284
00:12:02,224 --> 00:12:03,559
You know?

285
00:12:03,643 --> 00:12:05,603
And he was just there. You're just like...

286
00:12:05,686 --> 00:12:06,520
Uh...

287
00:12:06,604 --> 00:12:10,065
Like, I made that noise.
I saw him and I went... "Uh..."

288
00:12:10,149 --> 00:12:11,484
Like...

289
00:12:11,567 --> 00:12:13,319
Like, if I slept with him, it's not gay,

290
00:12:13,402 --> 00:12:15,404
you understand what I'm saying,
like, a hot guy.

291
00:12:16,196 --> 00:12:18,740
He's probably named Shiloh,
or Skyler, or Ashley

292
00:12:18,824 --> 00:12:20,409
they're all girl names from the future.

293
00:12:22,369 --> 00:12:24,538
'Cause there's a big difference between
a good looking guy and a hot guy.

294
00:12:24,622 --> 00:12:27,500
Hot guys get away with things they
shouldn't be allowed to get away with.

295
00:12:27,583 --> 00:12:30,836
Like, a hot guy can wear,
like, a deep V T-shirt.

296
00:12:31,712 --> 00:12:33,673
So deep, like, so deep.

297
00:12:33,755 --> 00:12:35,215
Where did you find this?

298
00:12:35,299 --> 00:12:36,717
Like, to the belt.

299
00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:39,512
Who sold this to you, a pirate?
Where the fuck did you find this?

300
00:12:40,304 --> 00:12:44,600
Just wear a deep V tee, with, like,
a wool scarf, 'cause they don't sweat,

301
00:12:44,684 --> 00:12:48,562
and like, a goddamn Indiana Jones hat,
with rain boots and army pants,

302
00:12:48,646 --> 00:12:52,316
and like, a wooden cross that they made,
'cause they're so "artistic."

303
00:12:52,399 --> 00:12:54,443
[laughing]

304
00:12:54,527 --> 00:12:57,321
Skip a line at a night club and
the bouncer's like, "Yeah, let him in."

305
00:12:57,404 --> 00:12:59,823
Like, that's a vampire.
Who the fuck did you just let in?

306
00:12:59,906 --> 00:13:01,367
[laughing and cheering]

307
00:13:02,201 --> 00:13:05,162
Like, I'm out here in a prom outfit,
dressed like Cory Matthews,

308
00:13:05,245 --> 00:13:06,955
and you let this fucking person in.

309
00:13:07,039 --> 00:13:07,873
[laughing and cheering]

310
00:13:07,956 --> 00:13:09,291
I know who I am.

311
00:13:10,083 --> 00:13:12,419
[laughing and cheering]

312
00:13:13,045 --> 00:13:14,672
It's a great luxury as a hot guy.

313
00:13:14,755 --> 00:13:16,882
I don't have that luxury,
I know that, okay?

314
00:13:16,965 --> 00:13:19,176
Like, Brad Pitt, I saw a picture
of Brad Pitt recently.

315
00:13:19,259 --> 00:13:23,764
Fifty, fifty, he had blond hair
down to here. What?

316
00:13:25,891 --> 00:13:28,728
What do you have, a castle on a cloud?
How the fuck?

317
00:13:29,811 --> 00:13:31,647
How do you raise a family that beautiful?

318
00:13:32,606 --> 00:13:35,359
Like, as a father, you need to be able
to intimidate your boys.

319
00:13:35,442 --> 00:13:37,319
How are you doing that
when you're gorgeous?

320
00:13:38,028 --> 00:13:40,406
Like, at the park, like,
"Hey! Get over here.

321
00:13:40,489 --> 00:13:41,699
Get over here.

322
00:13:41,782 --> 00:13:42,700
Get... Oh!

323
00:13:42,783 --> 00:13:45,244
Hey, don't make me come over there."

324
00:13:45,369 --> 00:13:47,663
[laughing and cheering]

325
00:13:47,996 --> 00:13:51,208
"Yeah, I'm talking to you.
Get the fuck over here right now.

326
00:13:51,751 --> 00:13:53,627
I'm not gonna ask again. [blows]

327
00:13:53,711 --> 00:13:55,212
I'm not gonna ask again.

328
00:13:56,171 --> 00:13:59,425
You trying to show off for your friends,
that's what you're fucking doing now?

329
00:14:00,217 --> 00:14:01,719
That's it. Angie, give me a scrunchy.

330
00:14:01,802 --> 00:14:03,804
I'm hitting the kids.
Give me a fucking scrunchy.

331
00:14:04,304 --> 00:14:06,306
Hold the rings, I haven't finished.

332
00:14:07,015 --> 00:14:09,184
Give me this shit!
And put some weight on, all right?

333
00:14:09,268 --> 00:14:12,479
You're scaring the shit out of me in
the hallways, it's like fucking a priest.

334
00:14:14,523 --> 00:14:15,608
Where'd he go?

335
00:14:15,691 --> 00:14:17,067
Where did the Asian one go?"

336
00:14:17,150 --> 00:14:19,027
[laughing]

337
00:14:19,111 --> 00:14:20,404
"Son of a bitch!"

338
00:14:28,579 --> 00:14:30,414
This is how all hot guys
look all the time.

339
00:14:31,998 --> 00:14:33,333
Like, the sun bothers them.

340
00:14:34,710 --> 00:14:36,629
[laughing]

341
00:14:37,671 --> 00:14:40,257
You ever notice, they laugh like
they don't know what laughing is.

342
00:14:40,340 --> 00:14:42,175
Just, "Ha-ha-ha-ha."

343
00:14:44,344 --> 00:14:46,054
[laughing]

344
00:14:46,597 --> 00:14:48,181
"Ha-ha-ha-ha."

345
00:14:49,099 --> 00:14:50,267
[guttural noise]

346
00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:52,894
"It's just too ugly out here."

347
00:14:55,063 --> 00:14:56,482
You ever think hot guys get mad,

348
00:14:56,565 --> 00:14:59,318
then realize they're hot
and immediately don't get mad?

349
00:14:59,401 --> 00:15:01,111
Like, "Son of a bitch!"

350
00:15:02,571 --> 00:15:04,364
[laughing]

351
00:15:05,783 --> 00:15:07,200
"Everything's gonna be fine."

352
00:15:09,244 --> 00:15:10,370
[giggles]

353
00:15:11,580 --> 00:15:13,582
Well, I'm so happy my dad isn't hot.

354
00:15:13,666 --> 00:15:15,459
[laughing]

355
00:15:16,376 --> 00:15:18,003
[laughing]

356
00:15:18,086 --> 00:15:19,421
Hear me out, that sounds bad.

357
00:15:20,339 --> 00:15:22,048
He's here too, so this is weird, but...

358
00:15:23,216 --> 00:15:25,344
What I mean is, my dad looks like a "dad."

359
00:15:26,219 --> 00:15:27,929
He looks like a "father,"
you know what I mean?

360
00:15:28,013 --> 00:15:29,515
That's where I wanna get in life.

361
00:15:29,598 --> 00:15:31,600
I wanna get to the age where
I don't care anymore.

362
00:15:31,684 --> 00:15:33,727
I give a shit, I care.

363
00:15:33,811 --> 00:15:36,271
I put this outfit on,
I looked in the mirror,

364
00:15:36,355 --> 00:15:37,981
I hated it, I changed.

365
00:15:38,064 --> 00:15:41,067
I put another outfit on, I looked in
the mirror, I put this back on.

366
00:15:43,111 --> 00:15:45,280
I shaved my neck, so I've a better chin.

367
00:15:45,364 --> 00:15:48,283
I got blue curtains, so my eyes pop.

368
00:15:48,367 --> 00:15:49,743
[laughing and applause]

369
00:15:49,827 --> 00:15:51,286
Everything's planned.

370
00:15:51,370 --> 00:15:53,831
[cheering and whooping]

371
00:15:56,876 --> 00:15:58,001
I don't wanna do it anymore.

372
00:15:58,084 --> 00:16:00,295
I wanna get to the age where
I don't give a fuck.

373
00:16:00,379 --> 00:16:01,839
Get that <i>E.T.</i> body.

374
00:16:05,300 --> 00:16:07,344
[laughing]

375
00:16:07,887 --> 00:16:09,638
You know, you don't know
if they're skinny or fat,

376
00:16:09,722 --> 00:16:11,724
it just looks comfortable.
That's where I wanna get.

377
00:16:12,599 --> 00:16:14,685
My dad was a world-class athlete.

378
00:16:14,768 --> 00:16:17,563
One day, just posture gone,
no muscle definition,

379
00:16:17,646 --> 00:16:19,732
stomach out, no ass, no chin.

380
00:16:20,482 --> 00:16:22,442
Like, fucking Kermit just walking around.

381
00:16:23,485 --> 00:16:24,778
Get that walk.

382
00:16:25,905 --> 00:16:27,322
I wanna get that life cough.

383
00:16:28,448 --> 00:16:31,117
You know, that cough that, like,
some shit went wrong in the past...

384
00:16:31,911 --> 00:16:32,912
You know, like...

385
00:16:33,913 --> 00:16:35,163
That's where I wanna get.

386
00:16:35,414 --> 00:16:36,623
[laughing]

387
00:16:36,707 --> 00:16:39,501
You know, before they found out
some shit's really bad for you...

388
00:16:39,585 --> 00:16:43,046
"Fuck. Worked at a coal mine when
I was eight." You're like, "Yeah, yeah."

389
00:16:43,797 --> 00:16:45,340
I wanna get that cough in my life.

390
00:16:47,133 --> 00:16:49,428
My dad doesn't really...
My dad is my hero, first off.

391
00:16:49,511 --> 00:16:52,514
Most selfless human being I've ever met,
all he cares about is other people.

392
00:16:52,598 --> 00:16:55,058
If I could be half the father he was,
I'd be the greatest father in the world.

393
00:16:55,141 --> 00:16:58,812
What I used to love doing, though,
in high school, was making him mad at me.

394
00:17:00,021 --> 00:17:02,023
Because my father was an older father

395
00:17:02,107 --> 00:17:04,944
and when he would yell at me,
he'd run out of breath, mid-yell.

396
00:17:05,778 --> 00:17:09,030
And the second I discovered that shit,
it was the greatest thing in my life.

397
00:17:09,531 --> 00:17:10,407
I'll never forget it.

398
00:17:10,490 --> 00:17:12,701
I used to skip school a lot,
because I was an average student.

399
00:17:12,785 --> 00:17:14,745
Greatest luxury of my life,
being an average student.

400
00:17:14,828 --> 00:17:16,705
So I hated it.
Both my parents are teachers,

401
00:17:16,789 --> 00:17:18,039
that doesn't fly in our house, okay?

402
00:17:18,123 --> 00:17:21,001
My dad would come home and yell at me,
but he'd run out of breath,

403
00:17:21,084 --> 00:17:23,003
and when I discovered this,
this was the greatest thing in the world.

404
00:17:23,086 --> 00:17:26,799
My dad comes in, mad as shit.
He goes, "Hey! You're gonna skip school?

405
00:17:26,882 --> 00:17:29,843
Maybe you stay at home all summer,
you're not even gonna play baseball..."

406
00:17:29,927 --> 00:17:31,511
[guttural mumbling]

407
00:17:32,262 --> 00:17:33,889
[mouthing out of breath]

408
00:17:36,934 --> 00:17:39,519
And my little brother knows me
so well, he's like, "Don't do it."

409
00:17:39,603 --> 00:17:41,438
I'm like, "I gotta keep doing it."

410
00:17:41,521 --> 00:17:42,940
I was like, "Dad, I missed half of that."

411
00:17:43,023 --> 00:17:44,024
"Oh, you wanna be smart?

412
00:17:44,107 --> 00:17:46,485
Maybe you don't go to prom,
we'll make you go to Blackman's,

413
00:17:46,568 --> 00:17:49,822
you're gonna get movies for the family.
You'll fuckin' watch movies with us..."

414
00:17:49,905 --> 00:17:51,114
[mouthing out of breath]

415
00:17:56,369 --> 00:17:58,288
My mom's like,
"You're killing your father!"

416
00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:01,541
My dad's shrinking, too.

417
00:18:02,417 --> 00:18:04,962
It's fucking hilarious,
'cause my dad's really good at speeches.

418
00:18:05,045 --> 00:18:07,798
He gives great speeches, life speeches,
he's always been great at it.

419
00:18:07,881 --> 00:18:08,882
But he's getting shorter.

420
00:18:08,966 --> 00:18:11,259
You know what I mean?
He's just getting a little bit shorter.

421
00:18:11,343 --> 00:18:14,680
And the great thing about him
is that he doesn't buy clothes.

422
00:18:15,347 --> 00:18:18,099
That's where I wanna get.
My dad just puts on what's around.

423
00:18:19,643 --> 00:18:22,103
Seventy years old,
he walks out in cargo shorts.

424
00:18:22,187 --> 00:18:25,398
First off, if you're an adult man
and you wear cargo shorts,

425
00:18:25,983 --> 00:18:29,695
and you don't work at <i>Jurassic Park,</i>
what the fuck are you doing?

426
00:18:29,778 --> 00:18:30,821
[laughing]

427
00:18:30,904 --> 00:18:32,280
Why do you need these?

428
00:18:32,865 --> 00:18:34,700
Are you taking the woods to work?

429
00:18:34,783 --> 00:18:35,951
Where are you going, Dad?

430
00:18:36,618 --> 00:18:40,330
But he'll just put cargo shorts on,
dress socks, flip-flops,

431
00:18:40,413 --> 00:18:42,582
a girls' college lacrosse sweater.

432
00:18:44,043 --> 00:18:47,546
I don't know where he got it, I don't have
a sister, nobody's ever played lacrosse.

433
00:18:48,797 --> 00:18:51,967
He puts on a golf visor, he's like,
"All right, come on, let's go to church."

434
00:18:52,051 --> 00:18:53,844
Like, "No, nobody's going to church.

435
00:18:55,888 --> 00:18:57,430
You look like you fell into Goodwill."

436
00:18:59,808 --> 00:19:01,184
But he's shrinking, he's shrinking.

437
00:19:01,267 --> 00:19:03,896
And it's the funniest shit in the world,
because he's wearing the same clothes.

438
00:19:03,979 --> 00:19:05,981
It's like he's wearing Shaq's clothes now.

439
00:19:07,107 --> 00:19:08,525
I just... [stammers]

440
00:19:08,608 --> 00:19:10,944
Okay, this is really weird,
what I'm about to do.

441
00:19:11,028 --> 00:19:12,905
I'm just curious,
how short is he gonna get?

442
00:19:12,988 --> 00:19:14,573
[laughing]

443
00:19:14,656 --> 00:19:17,242
Like, am I gonna come home,
ten years form now, on Christmas...

444
00:19:19,828 --> 00:19:22,455
Ten years from now, on Christmas,
I'm gonna be like, "Where's Dad?

445
00:19:23,373 --> 00:19:24,666
[guttural] "Psst. Down here."

446
00:19:26,626 --> 00:19:27,460
"Dad?

447
00:19:28,169 --> 00:19:30,089
Why are you dressed like a gnome?"

448
00:19:32,507 --> 00:19:34,134
[guttural] "There's something
I never told you."

449
00:19:35,886 --> 00:19:37,846
"Why do you talk like Regis Philbin?

450
00:19:41,850 --> 00:19:43,977
How can nobody see you right now?"
[guttural] "Close your eyes."

451
00:19:44,061 --> 00:19:46,063
Puff! "Jesus Christ, what is that?"

452
00:19:46,146 --> 00:19:48,314
[guttural] "Get down here, quickly."
"What am I doing right now?"

453
00:19:48,398 --> 00:19:50,400
[guttural] "Hold my hand."
"Jesus, it's so little."

454
00:19:50,483 --> 00:19:52,235
[laughing]

455
00:19:52,318 --> 00:19:54,487
[guttural] "Hurry, hurry." "Dad,
I gotta be honest, you're moving quick,

456
00:19:54,571 --> 00:19:56,322
but we're not going anywhere.
This is on you.

457
00:19:57,657 --> 00:19:58,784
Where are you taking me?"

458
00:19:58,867 --> 00:20:00,493
"I wanna introduce you
to your real family."

459
00:20:00,577 --> 00:20:03,663
"What? Why are we going
behind the Christmas tree?

460
00:20:03,789 --> 00:20:05,958
Jesus Christ, Dad,
what is that beautiful little door?"

461
00:20:06,041 --> 00:20:07,000
[guttural] "Follow me, quickly."

462
00:20:07,126 --> 00:20:08,334
"Dad, I'm not gonna fit."

463
00:20:08,418 --> 00:20:10,670
[guttural] "Believe." "Believe?"

464
00:20:15,968 --> 00:20:17,136
"Wow!

465
00:20:17,970 --> 00:20:19,638
This place is beautiful.

466
00:20:20,305 --> 00:20:21,640
There's so many slides.

467
00:20:22,682 --> 00:20:23,516
[gibberish]

468
00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:25,852
What the fuck was that?"
[guttural] "That's your cousin Boom-Boom."

469
00:20:25,936 --> 00:20:26,979
"What?"

470
00:20:28,105 --> 00:20:31,108
[guttural] "This is your uncle Zumba,
and Gumbala and Duko."

471
00:20:31,191 --> 00:20:33,152
"Wait a minute, is this shit
gonna happen to me?"

472
00:20:33,234 --> 00:20:35,570
[guttural] "Yes, you're not hot."

473
00:20:35,695 --> 00:20:36,655
[laughing]

474
00:20:37,572 --> 00:20:38,907
[applauding]

475
00:20:40,617 --> 00:20:42,452
[whooping]

476
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,293
So, back to the party
with the magician. So...

477
00:20:51,336 --> 00:20:53,546
He brought his cards.

478
00:20:53,630 --> 00:20:57,050
Stop! We get it, you're mystical.

479
00:20:58,051 --> 00:20:59,678
Why'd you gotta bring the fucking cards?

480
00:21:00,179 --> 00:21:02,055
I don't bring a microphone to a party.

481
00:21:02,639 --> 00:21:03,807
I'm not in the kitchen, like,

482
00:21:03,890 --> 00:21:06,392
"That reminds me of this time..."
I'm not doing that shit.

483
00:21:07,769 --> 00:21:09,896
So, I got drunk. I got drunk.
I love to drink, okay?

484
00:21:09,980 --> 00:21:12,315
I may have a problem,
you know what I mean?

485
00:21:12,398 --> 00:21:13,859
[applauding]

486
00:21:15,027 --> 00:21:17,570
I realize, if you say it cute,
you get away with it.

487
00:21:18,363 --> 00:21:21,616
It's the worst time in history to be
a drunk, by the way, hands down.

488
00:21:21,700 --> 00:21:23,076
We're too connected as people now.

489
00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:24,452
These smart phones, like...

490
00:21:24,536 --> 00:21:27,873
I shouldn't be able to get drunk,
alone, in my bedroom,

491
00:21:27,956 --> 00:21:31,292
with the door locked and ruin everything.

492
00:21:36,923 --> 00:21:39,092
You could ruin your entire life,

493
00:21:39,176 --> 00:21:41,511
if you have enough apps.
Have you thought about that?

494
00:21:42,512 --> 00:21:43,513
You can.

495
00:21:43,596 --> 00:21:44,723
You can go to Amazon,

496
00:21:44,806 --> 00:21:47,392
already connected to your credit card,
you just start buying shit.

497
00:21:47,517 --> 00:21:51,063
Drone just drops off a trampoline
tomorrow, you know, in your fucking yard.

498
00:21:52,772 --> 00:21:54,649
You could e-mail your boss.

499
00:21:55,901 --> 00:21:57,861
Yeah, now you're thinking about it, huh?

500
00:21:58,778 --> 00:22:00,197
You ever been drunk mad?

501
00:22:00,280 --> 00:22:02,532
It's the least justified mad
you'll ever be in your life.

502
00:22:02,615 --> 00:22:05,785
You don't even need to know an e-mail
anymore. All you need is a first letter.

503
00:22:05,869 --> 00:22:07,829
"T" for Ted, subject, all caps,

504
00:22:08,121 --> 00:22:09,206
"Fuck you, Ted!"

505
00:22:09,289 --> 00:22:10,999
[laughing]

506
00:22:11,083 --> 00:22:13,960
And you just let him have it, you're
wasted, like, "You know what, Ted?

507
00:22:14,044 --> 00:22:15,420
You're fucking stupid,

508
00:22:16,379 --> 00:22:19,174
your business plan is shit,
your daughter smells like toast.

509
00:22:19,299 --> 00:22:20,717
Fuck you!

510
00:22:21,843 --> 00:22:23,845
Fuck the offices."

511
00:22:23,929 --> 00:22:26,556
Three more lines, "Z-D-B-B-D-D-D-B-B-B."

512
00:22:26,639 --> 00:22:29,392
A thousand exclamation points,
'cause you fell asleep for a second.

513
00:22:31,311 --> 00:22:32,729
Three more lines under... "Huh?"

514
00:22:32,812 --> 00:22:35,274
'Cause you forgot it was an e-mail,
it's just a blank page.

515
00:22:35,315 --> 00:22:37,734
Then you're like, "Oh, yeah!
And your wife's a little whorey,"

516
00:22:37,817 --> 00:22:40,486
spelled "houry" but he gets it, you know,
he knows what it is.

517
00:22:41,613 --> 00:22:43,782
"See you Monday. Eh!" You know.

518
00:22:44,657 --> 00:22:46,326
Then you write him back immediately after,

519
00:22:46,409 --> 00:22:48,036
"Fuck you, Ted! Part two."

520
00:22:48,870 --> 00:22:51,206
Devil face. Devil face.
Devil face. Devil face.

521
00:22:51,290 --> 00:22:53,875
Three more spaces, "Come over."
'Cause you thought it was a text.

522
00:22:53,959 --> 00:22:55,627
Two more spaces.

523
00:22:58,004 --> 00:23:00,048
"Oh, yeah, what I meant by whorey..."

524
00:23:00,132 --> 00:23:02,926
still spelled "houry,"
"...is your wife's a slut."

525
00:23:03,135 --> 00:23:06,972
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Ja-ja-ja-ja-ja-ja-ja-ja-ja-ja!

526
00:23:10,725 --> 00:23:12,936
It's scary, you have
to think about this stuff.

527
00:23:13,019 --> 00:23:14,813
I could Instagram my dick.

528
00:23:15,981 --> 00:23:17,523
I'm not going to, I don't get it, okay?

529
00:23:17,607 --> 00:23:20,443
I'm just saying you don't have the option
of thinking before you do something.

530
00:23:20,526 --> 00:23:23,738
There's nothing in Instagram that goes,
"That's a dick." You know what I mean?

531
00:23:25,490 --> 00:23:27,659
I could do that, that's terrifying.

532
00:23:27,742 --> 00:23:28,660
That could happen.

533
00:23:28,743 --> 00:23:30,829
And I don't send dick pics,
I've had girls ask.

534
00:23:30,912 --> 00:23:32,831
I've had guys who say
it's their closer. How?

535
00:23:32,914 --> 00:23:35,625
This is the worst part of a guy. Worst.

536
00:23:36,793 --> 00:23:39,838
Dicks look like unfinished aliens,
there's nothing appealing.

537
00:23:40,421 --> 00:23:43,300
They look like they came out before
arms and legs, you know what I mean?

538
00:23:44,176 --> 00:23:47,012
Like, if dicks could speak, with
the little mouth, they'd be like...

539
00:23:47,095 --> 00:23:49,389
[bleating]

540
00:23:49,472 --> 00:23:50,807
[laughing]

541
00:23:50,890 --> 00:23:52,351
Sorry.

542
00:23:58,523 --> 00:24:00,483
I feel like some of you think
I have a weird dick.

543
00:24:01,985 --> 00:24:03,403
Yeah, you just nodded yes.

544
00:24:03,486 --> 00:24:05,655
No, my dick is fine, okay?

545
00:24:05,738 --> 00:24:07,366
He's a good man, he's a good guy.

546
00:24:07,949 --> 00:24:08,783
I know who I am.

547
00:24:08,867 --> 00:24:11,494
Okay? I'm not gonna be,
"You want that big dick?" I never do that.

548
00:24:11,577 --> 00:24:13,205
I would never be that guy.
I know who I am.

549
00:24:14,164 --> 00:24:17,542
Like, if my dick was a teenager, you'd
trust him to take your daughter to prom.

550
00:24:17,625 --> 00:24:18,918
You understand what I'm saying?

551
00:24:19,002 --> 00:24:20,920
[laughing]

552
00:24:23,882 --> 00:24:24,799
Shut up.

553
00:24:26,092 --> 00:24:28,928
Here's what I'm saying, if I'm naked,
a girl's not gonna be like, "Oh."

554
00:24:29,012 --> 00:24:30,972
But she's not gonna be like, "Oh."

555
00:24:31,890 --> 00:24:33,766
She'll just be like, "Oh."
You know what I mean?

556
00:24:35,643 --> 00:24:37,812
Like, it's not gonna come up
the next day, you know?

557
00:24:37,896 --> 00:24:39,356
Unless, somebody brings it up, like,

558
00:24:39,439 --> 00:24:41,066
"How's the dick?"
"Oh, yeah. No, it's fine."

559
00:24:41,149 --> 00:24:43,151
You know?
That's what's gonna happen. Shut up.

560
00:24:43,735 --> 00:24:45,695
[laughing]

561
00:24:47,780 --> 00:24:49,032
My point is I wish

562
00:24:49,115 --> 00:24:51,701
I grew up when rotary phones were
the main communication.

563
00:24:51,784 --> 00:24:53,453
Nobody was drunk dialing
on a rotary phone.

564
00:24:53,536 --> 00:24:55,080
You know how hard that would've been?

565
00:24:56,039 --> 00:24:57,790
I envy those guys back in the day.

566
00:24:57,874 --> 00:24:59,834
Just two drunk guys coming back,
one dude's like,

567
00:24:59,918 --> 00:25:02,587
"I'm gonna call her." His buddy,
"Don't." He's like, "I'm doing it, man.

568
00:25:02,670 --> 00:25:05,131
I love her, all right. Shut up!
I don't care if she's married.

569
00:25:05,215 --> 00:25:07,008
She needs to know right now

570
00:25:07,092 --> 00:25:08,218
that I love her, okay?

571
00:25:08,301 --> 00:25:10,803
I'm gonna fucking tell her right now!

572
00:25:12,180 --> 00:25:15,725
No, I don't give a shit if they had a kid,
she needs to fucking know.

573
00:25:15,808 --> 00:25:18,853
Okay? She needs to know right now that...

574
00:25:21,147 --> 00:25:23,149
Shut up! She needs to know.

575
00:25:24,234 --> 00:25:26,611
Which one do I go up and then
back around real quick?

576
00:25:28,529 --> 00:25:30,698
I can't see shit,
'cause you got the plastic on it.

577
00:25:30,782 --> 00:25:32,117
I can't see anything.

578
00:25:32,825 --> 00:25:34,744
Because you're poor, Jebediah.

579
00:25:34,827 --> 00:25:36,079
Get over here and help me.

580
00:25:39,582 --> 00:25:40,875
Why is your name Jebediah?

581
00:25:42,043 --> 00:25:44,337
It's 1968, you got a weird family.

582
00:25:45,088 --> 00:25:46,923
I bet your dad's a fucking magician."

583
00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:50,051
Fucking magic.

584
00:25:52,137 --> 00:25:53,179
So, back to the party.

585
00:25:55,807 --> 00:25:58,684
Drunk, people trying to give me shit,
my friends trying to give me shit.

586
00:25:58,768 --> 00:26:02,188
Here's the deal, you grow up a little bit,
you get less embarrassed, notice that?

587
00:26:02,272 --> 00:26:04,065
It's nice.
You get a little less embarrassed.

588
00:26:04,149 --> 00:26:07,152
The bubble expands and you get less
embarrassed. It's not like high school.

589
00:26:07,235 --> 00:26:10,571
Isn't it interesting that high school was
the most embarrassing time of your life,

590
00:26:10,655 --> 00:26:13,074
but it really was the easiest time
of your life.

591
00:26:13,158 --> 00:26:14,951
It really was, you know.

592
00:26:15,494 --> 00:26:17,787
Like, everything was the end of the world
in high school.

593
00:26:18,288 --> 00:26:19,622
Remember reading out loud?

594
00:26:19,914 --> 00:26:21,707
[laughing]

595
00:26:28,089 --> 00:26:29,590
Why did we have to do that?

596
00:26:33,512 --> 00:26:35,472
Did anybody here actually
learn how to read...

597
00:26:36,681 --> 00:26:39,518
from that cock-blocking experience
that I had to go through?

598
00:26:40,226 --> 00:26:42,603
Anybody else have to stand?
Did you have to stand?

599
00:26:42,687 --> 00:26:44,689
Yeah. Why? What is it, a play?

600
00:26:44,772 --> 00:26:46,316
What the fuck am I standing for?

601
00:26:46,649 --> 00:26:49,652
My teacher would skip turns. Did you
ever think you were, like, fourth,

602
00:26:49,735 --> 00:26:50,820
so you memorize four ahead?

603
00:26:50,903 --> 00:26:52,780
I'm not even listening to a reading now,

604
00:26:53,532 --> 00:26:55,867
because I'm trying to memorize a chapter.

605
00:26:57,202 --> 00:26:59,037
Because in my mind,
I think if I read well,

606
00:26:59,120 --> 00:27:00,455
Laurie will give me a hand-job.

607
00:27:00,539 --> 00:27:01,914
That's where my fucking head is.

608
00:27:02,707 --> 00:27:06,085
And nobody in the history of school
is ever given a hand-job

609
00:27:06,169 --> 00:27:07,628
for good reading, never.

610
00:27:09,005 --> 00:27:11,424
No girl in the cheerleading squad
has been like, "Why'd you fuck that guy?"

611
00:27:11,508 --> 00:27:13,968
"He's really good at reading."
That never happened.

612
00:27:17,430 --> 00:27:19,932
My teacher would just skip. She'd go,
"Let's have fun with it.

613
00:27:20,016 --> 00:27:24,437
Okay... Brent, can you please stand
and stop shaking...

614
00:27:25,313 --> 00:27:28,900
and read the complicated book
that you never read before,

615
00:27:28,983 --> 00:27:32,778
while you go through puberty
and get hard for no reason?"

616
00:27:33,405 --> 00:27:35,698
[laughing and applauding]

617
00:27:37,450 --> 00:27:39,327
Remember that?
Remember getting hard in high school?

618
00:27:40,995 --> 00:27:41,871
That's a dick I wish I had.

619
00:27:41,954 --> 00:27:44,749
I know I talked about my dick
a minute ago, but that's my adult dick.

620
00:27:44,832 --> 00:27:47,544
My high school dick knew what
he was doing, he was a go-getter.

621
00:27:47,627 --> 00:27:50,088
I wish I knew how to use him
in high school, he was like Rudy.

622
00:27:50,171 --> 00:27:51,881
You know what I mean? Like, he had...

623
00:27:51,964 --> 00:27:54,759
No, he was great.
Like, "We practiced for the prom!"

624
00:27:54,842 --> 00:27:57,970
You know what I mean?
Like, he was just so good.

625
00:27:59,431 --> 00:28:01,474
I don't know if you girls were aware
of that. We would just get hard.

626
00:28:01,558 --> 00:28:04,477
I would just yawn at 8:00 a.m.
and be hard as shit in math class.

627
00:28:05,061 --> 00:28:06,729
Did you ever try to take a math test hard

628
00:28:06,812 --> 00:28:09,399
and not look like a serial killer
in your fucking life?

629
00:28:10,816 --> 00:28:13,945
I failed the math test.
51, I got a 51 on the test.

630
00:28:14,028 --> 00:28:15,947
Hard the entire test.

631
00:28:16,030 --> 00:28:18,741
Forty-five minutes, just painfully hard.

632
00:28:18,824 --> 00:28:20,785
I thought it was gonna come out
and be like... [bleating]

633
00:28:20,868 --> 00:28:22,537
Like, I thought that was gonna happen.

634
00:28:23,246 --> 00:28:26,332
Just rubbing up against the JNCO jeans
I thought were in style.

635
00:28:29,710 --> 00:28:31,754
I'll never forget this test,
I'll never forget it.

636
00:28:31,837 --> 00:28:34,048
It's the only test I remember.
I was so hard and I'd

637
00:28:34,132 --> 00:28:36,384
never study, I was an average student,
I told you that.

638
00:28:36,468 --> 00:28:39,554
I didn't care. So, I'm sitting there
and I'm like, "Okay, here we go.

639
00:28:39,638 --> 00:28:41,973
All right, I'm rock hard.
Okay, here we go.

640
00:28:42,557 --> 00:28:44,142
Okay, here we go.

641
00:28:44,225 --> 00:28:47,019
Here we go, all right.
Yeah, great test. Excited.

642
00:28:47,728 --> 00:28:49,730
So excited. Yeah, can't wait.

643
00:28:50,815 --> 00:28:53,192
Why the fuck is she always looking at me?
Okay, here we go.

644
00:28:53,652 --> 00:28:56,195
All right, here we go. Still hard.
Still rock hard, okay.

645
00:28:56,279 --> 00:28:58,114
You got this. You don't need to study.

646
00:28:58,197 --> 00:29:01,451
You're a smart guy. Just get into it.
Just have fun with it.

647
00:29:01,534 --> 00:29:03,202
It's math. Math... Okay.

648
00:29:03,286 --> 00:29:05,705
Common sense. Here we go, question one.

649
00:29:05,788 --> 00:29:09,584
Okay, 'The Pythagorean theorem is...'
Okay, question two, question two.

650
00:29:11,002 --> 00:29:13,421
'Show work.' Fuck you.
I don't need to show work.

651
00:29:14,880 --> 00:29:16,299
Excited, yeah. It's great.

652
00:29:16,424 --> 00:29:18,759
What the fuck? She's still looking at me.
Okay, here we go.

653
00:29:18,843 --> 00:29:20,928
You know what, let's go to page two.
You don't have to start on one.

654
00:29:21,012 --> 00:29:23,556
Why you wanna start on one?
You're gonna conform, dude? Go ahead.

655
00:29:23,640 --> 00:29:26,685
No, here we go. Page two, here we go.

656
00:29:26,767 --> 00:29:29,729
Page two.
I don't know any of those shapes.

657
00:29:29,812 --> 00:29:31,481
Page three.

658
00:29:31,939 --> 00:29:33,774
This isn't NASA. Page four.

659
00:29:35,193 --> 00:29:38,070
It's just a blank page. This is just
a blank, 'Show work on page.'

660
00:29:38,154 --> 00:29:40,031
You want me to sketch math, goddammit?

661
00:29:41,949 --> 00:29:44,076
Excited. Yeah, just getting a...

662
00:29:44,160 --> 00:29:46,871
Goddamn, she's still looking at me.
You fucking bitch.

663
00:29:46,954 --> 00:29:49,290
Here we go. You know what?
Let's go back to page one, let's cheat.

664
00:29:49,374 --> 00:29:50,750
Wanna go to college, gotta cheat.

665
00:29:50,833 --> 00:29:52,502
Sometimes you gotta cheat
to go to college. Here we go.

666
00:29:52,627 --> 00:29:54,379
It's okay. Still hard. Still hard.

667
00:29:54,462 --> 00:29:57,256
Rock hard. It's hurting even more.
Here we go.

668
00:29:57,340 --> 00:29:59,467
Now she's not looking,
we're gonna look over here.

669
00:29:59,551 --> 00:30:01,386
Here we go. Is that a calculator?

670
00:30:01,469 --> 00:30:03,304
Do we need a fucking calculator
for this test?

671
00:30:05,097 --> 00:30:08,142
Shit. Miss Fields?" "Yes, Brent."

672
00:30:08,226 --> 00:30:09,728
"I don't have a calculator."

673
00:30:09,810 --> 00:30:11,187
"Come to the front and get one."

674
00:30:11,812 --> 00:30:12,980
"Um..."

675
00:30:15,316 --> 00:30:16,568
[stammers]

676
00:30:16,651 --> 00:30:18,403
"You know what, I'm in it.
I'm into the test.

677
00:30:18,486 --> 00:30:20,238
Is there any way you could
bring it to me?"

678
00:30:20,321 --> 00:30:21,447
"Can I bring it to you?

679
00:30:22,782 --> 00:30:25,660
Do you think that's what life is, Brent,
people bringing you things?

680
00:30:26,745 --> 00:30:29,163
What if I call your parents,
educators like myself,

681
00:30:29,247 --> 00:30:32,500
and tell them that your son
wants me to bring him things?

682
00:30:32,584 --> 00:30:35,920
This is why you're failing in class, this
is why you may not graduate high school.

683
00:30:36,003 --> 00:30:39,758
This is why you and I are having
a disconnect and we need to discuss this."

684
00:30:39,840 --> 00:30:41,718
"Shut up, Miss Fields!
We know you got divorced.

685
00:30:42,218 --> 00:30:44,970
[laughing]

686
00:30:47,056 --> 00:30:51,644
Okay, I know for a fact, she's looking
at me and I am still rock hard."

687
00:30:53,229 --> 00:30:54,897
You know what I thought about,
though, to this day,

688
00:30:54,980 --> 00:30:57,983
was there another guy in that class who
had an angle on me taking that test?

689
00:30:58,067 --> 00:31:00,361
'Cause it's one thing to, like,
I knew what was going on,

690
00:31:00,445 --> 00:31:03,072
but if you didn't, that had to be
the weirdest experience of your life.

691
00:31:03,155 --> 00:31:05,700
Just some other guy, across the way,
"All right, here we go.

692
00:31:05,784 --> 00:31:07,827
Carry the two and you gotta...

693
00:31:08,620 --> 00:31:10,789
[laughing]

694
00:31:22,842 --> 00:31:23,676
Yo...

695
00:31:25,637 --> 00:31:27,054
Yo. Look at Brent right now.

696
00:31:28,389 --> 00:31:30,433
I'm not gay, look down.

697
00:31:32,226 --> 00:31:33,185
Are you looking down?

698
00:31:36,564 --> 00:31:37,857
Is he hard right now?

699
00:31:41,277 --> 00:31:42,695
Dude, he's hard right now.

700
00:31:45,281 --> 00:31:46,574
He must love math."

701
00:31:47,241 --> 00:31:48,951
[laughing]

702
00:31:55,333 --> 00:31:57,918
"Dude, he doesn't even have
a calculator over there, look at him."

703
00:31:59,211 --> 00:32:00,921
Here's why I hated
reading out loud, though.

704
00:32:01,005 --> 00:32:03,090
You thought I lost it, but I didn't.
I'm coming back.

705
00:32:03,174 --> 00:32:04,342
'Cause my voice would crack.

706
00:32:04,425 --> 00:32:06,803
Here's where that sucks,
even if the class didn't catch it,

707
00:32:06,886 --> 00:32:10,014
if my friend Elliot was in that class,
he called me out in front of everybody.

708
00:32:10,097 --> 00:32:13,058
Anybody had that friend, he's your
best friend, but he's your worst friend?

709
00:32:13,142 --> 00:32:16,395
He never talked, but the second I was like
[voice cracking] "In 1944..." he was like...

710
00:32:16,479 --> 00:32:17,897
Oh! Ho-ho!

711
00:32:18,481 --> 00:32:20,107
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

712
00:32:20,191 --> 00:32:21,651
"Brent's a virgin!

713
00:32:23,486 --> 00:32:26,030
Yeah, he told me, he cried.
He cried at my house, he told me.

714
00:32:26,113 --> 00:32:28,991
Remember that shit? Everybody,
look how red he's getting. Look. Look.

715
00:32:29,074 --> 00:32:31,118
Miss Wagner, sit down.
He's my best friend.

716
00:32:31,202 --> 00:32:32,620
I'm allowed to do this shit.
Please, sit down.

717
00:32:32,704 --> 00:32:34,372
Sit the fuck down for two minutes, please.

718
00:32:34,455 --> 00:32:36,582
Look at you! I'm gonna tell her.
I don't give a shit.

719
00:32:36,666 --> 00:32:38,459
Yo, Laurie, guess what?
He's in love with you.

720
00:32:38,543 --> 00:32:40,920
I caught him jerking off
to your yearbook photo at my house.

721
00:32:41,003 --> 00:32:43,214
He sleeps over all the time,
'cause his parents are poor

722
00:32:43,297 --> 00:32:44,423
and they're gonna get a divorce.

723
00:32:44,507 --> 00:32:46,175
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

724
00:32:46,258 --> 00:32:48,302
Fuck you, Brent!
You sleeping over this weekend?

725
00:32:48,386 --> 00:32:49,846
All right, I'm gonna go.
I'm going to detention.

726
00:32:49,929 --> 00:32:52,473
I'm going. I don't give a shit,
it was worth it. Fuck this"

727
00:32:52,557 --> 00:32:55,226
[cheering and applause]

728
00:33:01,232 --> 00:33:03,442
It was always worth it to get
suspended to ruin my life.

729
00:33:03,526 --> 00:33:04,694
I never understood that shit.

730
00:33:04,777 --> 00:33:06,445
The hardest thing was to ask somebody out.

731
00:33:06,571 --> 00:33:09,073
That was the hardest thing to do
in high school. That was the worst.

732
00:33:09,156 --> 00:33:10,783
Now I don't care,
I get turned down every day.

733
00:33:10,950 --> 00:33:12,159
Every fucking day.

734
00:33:13,035 --> 00:33:14,537
"Hey." "No." "Fine."

735
00:33:14,620 --> 00:33:15,914
Drink, back to me.

736
00:33:18,165 --> 00:33:20,585
I wish we had a bar in high school.
That'd be the best.

737
00:33:21,836 --> 00:33:23,379
Just go down to the fucking cafeteria,

738
00:33:23,462 --> 00:33:26,131
just a weird old guy, "What's wrong?"
"I got turned down for prom."

739
00:33:26,215 --> 00:33:29,134
"I'll get you fucked up, get you
the Spanish..." You know what I mean?

740
00:33:31,637 --> 00:33:33,013
Here's why it sucked.

741
00:33:33,097 --> 00:33:35,767
If you got turned down, like I said,
my guy friends had no sympathy,

742
00:33:35,850 --> 00:33:38,018
but you girls
would go and tell everybody right away.

743
00:33:38,102 --> 00:33:40,354
'Cause you had to, it's not your fault.
You had to do it.

744
00:33:40,438 --> 00:33:43,107
You had empathy for the situation,
where you had to tell everybody.

745
00:33:43,190 --> 00:33:44,316
And you'd find anybody.

746
00:33:44,400 --> 00:33:46,903
Didn't even have to be a good friend,
it'd be the first person.

747
00:33:46,986 --> 00:33:48,613
Like, "Oh, my God, get over here. Ugh!

748
00:33:48,696 --> 00:33:49,989
Why is it you? Sherry, come on.

749
00:33:51,699 --> 00:33:53,158
Ugh! You suck. Listen.

750
00:33:54,577 --> 00:33:56,036
You are so gross. Listen.

751
00:33:57,830 --> 00:34:00,750
You're the worst. Look at you.
Focus. Focus. Bitch. Bitch.

752
00:34:02,710 --> 00:34:05,004
Okay, are you looking? Are you there?

753
00:34:05,087 --> 00:34:06,714
Thank you. Okay.

754
00:34:06,798 --> 00:34:08,382
You won't believe who just asked me out.

755
00:34:08,466 --> 00:34:11,010
You know Brent Morin, the kid with
the big head and the whatever body?

756
00:34:11,093 --> 00:34:11,928
Anyway.

757
00:34:13,387 --> 00:34:16,098
So, he walks up to me, sweating so much
and he was covered in sweat,

758
00:34:16,181 --> 00:34:17,976
and he was holding
his books tight like this.

759
00:34:18,058 --> 00:34:20,561
I'm like, 'Did you just see a monster,
what the fuck happened?'

760
00:34:20,645 --> 00:34:21,729
[laughing]

761
00:34:21,813 --> 00:34:22,855
Anyway, focus.

762
00:34:22,939 --> 00:34:26,400
So, he starts trying to make jokes
and talking about a clown day,

763
00:34:26,484 --> 00:34:28,486
then he tried to do a cartwheel,
fell on his back

764
00:34:28,569 --> 00:34:30,446
and knocked the wind out of himself.

765
00:34:30,529 --> 00:34:32,323
Fifteen minutes I was late for class.

766
00:34:32,406 --> 00:34:34,700
Then, out of nowhere he gets up
and turns bright red,

767
00:34:34,826 --> 00:34:36,702
can't even make eye contact and he goes,

768
00:34:36,786 --> 00:34:39,831
'Um, I was just wondering if you wanted to
go to the movies with me on Saturday?'

769
00:34:39,914 --> 00:34:42,583
I was like, 'No, I have a boyfriend.'
And he goes like, 'Me too.'

770
00:34:42,667 --> 00:34:43,626
And he just walked away.

771
00:34:50,716 --> 00:34:51,884
Did you know he was gay?

772
00:34:54,053 --> 00:34:55,805
And I heard he can't read."

773
00:34:58,474 --> 00:35:00,685
You know, I talk shit about high school,
but I loved high school.

774
00:35:00,768 --> 00:35:03,103
Like I said, the greatest luxury
of my life was being an average student,

775
00:35:03,187 --> 00:35:04,063
loved it.

776
00:35:04,146 --> 00:35:06,941
I was a popular kid, I had
a lot of friends, life was great.

777
00:35:07,025 --> 00:35:09,027
What I would do is I would
luck into situations.

778
00:35:10,862 --> 00:35:13,614
Like, when I was 17 years old, I was
dating this 22-year-old dancer.

779
00:35:14,073 --> 00:35:15,950
Not stripper, but probably.

780
00:35:16,034 --> 00:35:17,326
[laughing]

781
00:35:17,409 --> 00:35:19,453
You don't ask a lot of questions at 17.

782
00:35:19,787 --> 00:35:21,163
But I'll never forget this, okay?

783
00:35:21,246 --> 00:35:23,374
Because what would happen
is I'd luck into something,

784
00:35:23,457 --> 00:35:25,417
but then I could ruin something.
It was weird.

785
00:35:25,751 --> 00:35:27,712
Like, she said to me this, she goes,

786
00:35:27,795 --> 00:35:29,338
"Um, listen, I want you to come over.

787
00:35:29,421 --> 00:35:32,174
I wanna cook you dinner and then
maybe we could do some other stuff."

788
00:35:32,925 --> 00:35:35,761
So my heart is racing, my dick
is tingling, I'm a virgin at the time.

789
00:35:35,845 --> 00:35:37,680
I'm thinking I'm gonna lose my virginity

790
00:35:37,763 --> 00:35:40,391
to a woman at her place,
'cause I lived with my parents.

791
00:35:40,474 --> 00:35:42,060
So, I went home and I dressed up.

792
00:35:42,142 --> 00:35:45,646
Like, dressed up, like it was communion.
I don't know what the fuck I was doing.

793
00:35:45,730 --> 00:35:47,899
Like, I was dressed up.

794
00:35:47,982 --> 00:35:50,234
My dad was like, "Where are you going?"
I was like, "The movies."

795
00:35:50,317 --> 00:35:52,528
He was like, "A premiere?
Where the fuck are you going?"

796
00:35:53,445 --> 00:35:55,656
So I go to her house
and here's the problem, at 17,

797
00:35:55,740 --> 00:35:57,783
I didn't know how to open up
a sexual conversation.

798
00:35:57,867 --> 00:36:00,411
I didn't know. Did you just show up
naked in an over-sized coat?

799
00:36:01,954 --> 00:36:05,457
You know, she opens the door and I'm like,
"Hey, fucking dessert." You know?

800
00:36:06,959 --> 00:36:09,461
I didn't know. I didn't know how to
open a sexual conversation.

801
00:36:09,545 --> 00:36:12,965
So, we're sitting there, we have dinner,
everything's going well,

802
00:36:13,049 --> 00:36:15,342
I'm rock hard under the table,
Rudy's like, "I wanna play!"

803
00:36:15,426 --> 00:36:17,386
You know what I mean,
like, it's happening.

804
00:36:17,469 --> 00:36:19,805
But I don't know how to do it,
so now she's in the kitchen,

805
00:36:19,889 --> 00:36:22,100
she's washing the dishes.
About two and a half hours in,

806
00:36:22,182 --> 00:36:25,603
I start to panic. I realize,
I gotta make a move, I gotta man up.

807
00:36:25,686 --> 00:36:28,022
I gotta be a man
and let her know that I'm here

808
00:36:28,106 --> 00:36:31,817
for sex, I wanna become a man tonight.
This shit is happening tonight.

809
00:36:31,901 --> 00:36:35,113
Also, I have curfew in a half hour,
so I had to make this shit happen.

810
00:36:35,195 --> 00:36:37,031
[laughing]

811
00:36:37,115 --> 00:36:40,451
So, I go into the kitchen, I decide
I'm not gonna think before I speak,

812
00:36:40,534 --> 00:36:42,578
that's when I get in trouble.
I'm just gonna walk in

813
00:36:42,661 --> 00:36:45,873
and instinctually say something,
which was a terrible fucking idea.

814
00:36:46,248 --> 00:36:50,335
So, I walk in, I turn the faucet off,
I turn her my way and she's like, "What?"

815
00:36:50,419 --> 00:36:55,257
And I said something, to this day,
I have zero idea what it means.

816
00:36:55,716 --> 00:37:00,387
I looked at her and I said,
"Hey, you know what I was... thinking?

817
00:37:01,639 --> 00:37:05,517
You and me, we should play house."

818
00:37:05,601 --> 00:37:07,770
[laughing]

819
00:37:10,148 --> 00:37:13,442
Yeah, I have no fucking idea
what that means, right?

820
00:37:13,818 --> 00:37:16,112
Then she looked at me and this
is what she said, she goes,

821
00:37:17,863 --> 00:37:19,198
"Sweetheart...

822
00:37:19,740 --> 00:37:21,617
you wouldn't even know
what to do with me."

823
00:37:23,995 --> 00:37:25,621
Yeah, and I was like...

824
00:37:28,290 --> 00:37:31,752
I couldn't think of anything to say.
I fucking panicked.

825
00:37:31,836 --> 00:37:34,546
Like, I felt like there was
a construction site in my head

826
00:37:34,839 --> 00:37:37,008
with, like, a pissed off foreman.
Like, "We need words!

827
00:37:37,091 --> 00:37:38,592
He looks like an idiot out there!

828
00:37:39,301 --> 00:37:41,386
Somebody get some fucking words, please!

829
00:37:41,470 --> 00:37:43,139
Hurry! We're gonna blow this shit!"

830
00:37:43,764 --> 00:37:46,058
Some guy comes in, like,
"Hey, Donnie, all we got is

831
00:37:46,142 --> 00:37:48,477
pictures of pandas down here.
Little pandas...

832
00:37:50,188 --> 00:37:51,939
What? We got a weird head.

833
00:37:52,023 --> 00:37:54,441
Don't look at me, it's not my fault.
He's a weird kid."

834
00:37:54,525 --> 00:37:56,735
[laughing]

835
00:37:56,819 --> 00:37:59,697
So, I don't know why I did what I did next
but I couldn't get anything out,

836
00:37:59,780 --> 00:38:02,241
so I just picked her up and I threw her
on the kitchen counter.

837
00:38:02,366 --> 00:38:04,994
And she loved that.
I didn't know she'd like that.

838
00:38:05,077 --> 00:38:06,954
In fact, she liked it too much.

839
00:38:07,038 --> 00:38:11,083
Because she went from sexy to scaring
the shit out of me very fucking quickly.

840
00:38:11,792 --> 00:38:14,045
She went from, "Yeah,"
to, "Yeah, you fucking want it?"

841
00:38:14,128 --> 00:38:15,713
And I was like, "I'm not ready."

842
00:38:15,796 --> 00:38:17,589
You know what I mean,
like, I immediately...

843
00:38:18,423 --> 00:38:20,425
Like, Rudy put his jersey down,

844
00:38:20,509 --> 00:38:22,928
"I don't wanna play."
And he just checked out, you know?

845
00:38:23,929 --> 00:38:25,848
This is something billionaires pay for,

846
00:38:25,931 --> 00:38:28,809
in their 50s. This is the only time
that you get this kind of girl.

847
00:38:28,893 --> 00:38:31,562
She starts looking at me,
"Come on, you fucking pussy, you want me?"

848
00:38:31,645 --> 00:38:33,397
I'm like... [whines] Like, I...

849
00:38:34,065 --> 00:38:35,524
I had, like, reverse puberty.

850
00:38:35,607 --> 00:38:38,819
I was like, "Oh, man I'm six." You know?

851
00:38:39,319 --> 00:38:40,696
[laughing and applause]

852
00:38:43,532 --> 00:38:45,910
Like, I was not ready for this.

853
00:38:46,202 --> 00:38:48,370
So then she pulls me in,

854
00:38:48,453 --> 00:38:52,750
then she takes her claw, and I say claw
'cause it had to be a fucking claw.

855
00:38:53,417 --> 00:38:56,295
And she just put it into my back
and I just saw the past.

856
00:38:56,378 --> 00:38:59,298
I saw me as a little Italian boy,
like, [child voice] "Papa..."

857
00:38:59,381 --> 00:39:01,717
You know, just fucking gone.

858
00:39:02,009 --> 00:39:04,636
So I'm just gone, right?
And then she rips my tie off.

859
00:39:04,720 --> 00:39:06,931
Yeah, I was wearing a tie.
She rips it off.

860
00:39:07,973 --> 00:39:10,768
And then she kicks me against her table.

861
00:39:10,851 --> 00:39:14,479
Right? So, now I'm against the table
and she jumps on me and... [swooshes]

862
00:39:14,772 --> 00:39:15,940
rips my shirt open.

863
00:39:16,690 --> 00:39:17,858
Which is hot, right?

864
00:39:18,317 --> 00:39:20,945
Well, apparently, I didn't think so,

865
00:39:21,528 --> 00:39:24,573
because the only words that came out of
my mouth were, [child voice] "My buttons!"

866
00:39:25,490 --> 00:39:27,618
[laughing]

867
00:39:34,541 --> 00:39:37,002
Like, my heart was sweating.
It was like "Mom" all over again.

868
00:39:37,086 --> 00:39:39,255
You ever just say...
I don't know where it came from.

869
00:39:40,172 --> 00:39:42,925
I felt like... The same voice
and same hand, by the way,

870
00:39:43,008 --> 00:39:44,176
just, [child voice] "My buttons!"

871
00:39:45,469 --> 00:39:48,097
Like, I was on a Broadway play
and that was my only line,

872
00:39:48,180 --> 00:39:49,723
just, [child voice] "My buttons!"

873
00:39:56,105 --> 00:39:58,190
Honestly, I could picture
the construction site.

874
00:39:58,274 --> 00:40:01,443
The foreman would be like,
"Who the fuck put that out there?

875
00:40:02,236 --> 00:40:03,321
Tommy, was that you?"

876
00:40:03,403 --> 00:40:04,696
"Yeah, you know me, I like trouble.

877
00:40:04,780 --> 00:40:06,448
Let's get outta here,
he ain't getting laid.

878
00:40:06,531 --> 00:40:08,075
He's gonna be a comedian."

879
00:40:12,330 --> 00:40:14,706
Now, here's why I tell you that.
This is why I tell you this.

880
00:40:14,832 --> 00:40:18,585
Here's why. Because I think it's good to
have embarrassing moments in your life.

881
00:40:18,669 --> 00:40:21,546
I think having embarrassing moments
growing up helps build character.

882
00:40:21,630 --> 00:40:23,007
I think it helps build a person.

883
00:40:23,090 --> 00:40:26,260
I feel like kids today are growing up
so fast, they're skipping that shit.

884
00:40:26,885 --> 00:40:29,596
They are. Everything I read about them,
there's no innocence.

885
00:40:29,680 --> 00:40:31,807
Like kids are getting
blowjobs in the bus now.

886
00:40:33,475 --> 00:40:34,310
What?

887
00:40:36,103 --> 00:40:38,897
What magic school bus Ms. Frizzle shit?

888
00:40:41,566 --> 00:40:43,986
Seriously, what beautiful trip
to school did I miss?

889
00:40:45,779 --> 00:40:47,365
How does any boy miss the bus?

890
00:40:47,739 --> 00:40:49,741
[laughing]

891
00:40:52,995 --> 00:40:55,998
Even if you're not the kid who gets
the blowjob in the morning,

892
00:40:56,123 --> 00:40:59,377
you still have to wake up and be like,
[child voice] "Maybe, today." You have to.

893
00:40:59,960 --> 00:41:01,795
[laughing]

894
00:41:04,756 --> 00:41:07,134
You know who I feel bad for, though?
I feel bad for the mom,

895
00:41:07,218 --> 00:41:08,886
the stay-at-home mom who has to deal with

896
00:41:08,969 --> 00:41:10,888
the kid who does get
the blowjob in the morning,

897
00:41:10,971 --> 00:41:12,514
and that kid misses the bus.

898
00:41:13,140 --> 00:41:16,601
Because that has to be
the biggest temper tantrum of all time.

899
00:41:17,102 --> 00:41:18,396
There's no way

900
00:41:18,478 --> 00:41:20,439
where she's like,
"Honey, you're gonna be late..."

901
00:41:20,522 --> 00:41:23,317
"For school! I know,
you didn't fucking wake me up. Shit!

902
00:41:23,401 --> 00:41:25,694
Kyle! Hold that bus, don't be shitty!"

903
00:41:25,777 --> 00:41:28,488
Mom, the French toast sticks,
let's go, come on, we're late."

904
00:41:28,572 --> 00:41:31,033
"They're not ready."
What the fuck is going on with you, Mom?

905
00:41:31,116 --> 00:41:32,284
Go, get the goddamn sticks!

906
00:41:32,368 --> 00:41:37,581
Goddamn it, Kyle! Fuck! The bus left.
Are you fucking happy? Shit!

907
00:41:37,873 --> 00:41:39,166
[laughing]

908
00:41:40,167 --> 00:41:41,710
[applauding]

909
00:41:47,925 --> 00:41:50,969
We got nine iPads in the house,
you can't set one fucking alarm?

910
00:41:53,180 --> 00:41:56,516
I have an A average, Mom. I have a test,
I need to clear my fucking head!

911
00:42:03,274 --> 00:42:04,442
You're such a bitch.

912
00:42:05,443 --> 00:42:08,070
You're a straight bitch, Dad's right."

913
00:42:11,698 --> 00:42:13,825
"Why are you mad?"
"You wanna know why I'm mad?

914
00:42:13,909 --> 00:42:15,160
You really wanna fucking know?

915
00:42:15,411 --> 00:42:17,955
Okay, fine, cat's out of the bag.
Here's the deal,

916
00:42:18,038 --> 00:42:20,707
you got one job, all right? Wake me up,

917
00:42:20,791 --> 00:42:23,461
French toast sticks,
get my dick sucked, go to class!

918
00:42:25,879 --> 00:42:28,424
Now you gotta drive me to school.

919
00:42:28,507 --> 00:42:30,968
I'm jerking off in the car."
"No, you're not." "Yes, I am."

920
00:42:40,144 --> 00:42:42,480
"This is boring, my friends aren't here.

921
00:42:42,771 --> 00:42:45,483
[laughing]

922
00:42:45,565 --> 00:42:48,110
The French toast sticks, Mom."
"I'm not getting in there."

923
00:42:48,193 --> 00:42:50,695
"Then wait in the house and leave
the heat on, it's freezing."

924
00:42:51,905 --> 00:42:53,449
[laughing]

925
00:42:56,618 --> 00:42:58,662
You know what I like to picture?
I like to picture,

926
00:42:58,745 --> 00:43:01,165
like, a really content neighbor next door,

927
00:43:01,248 --> 00:43:03,834
who, like, loves his life,
been married for 40 years,

928
00:43:03,917 --> 00:43:06,378
just coming out in, like, a bathrobe,
just being like... [exhales]

929
00:43:07,754 --> 00:43:09,131
"What a beautiful morning, huh?

930
00:43:10,590 --> 00:43:13,385
This is great. Hey, Debbie, get down here.

931
00:43:13,469 --> 00:43:15,012
You gotta see this, it's a good day."

932
00:43:15,095 --> 00:43:16,972
"I'm getting ready." "All right...

933
00:43:19,308 --> 00:43:20,351
Love life.

934
00:43:20,976 --> 00:43:21,810
Hell, yeah."

935
00:43:23,395 --> 00:43:24,938
[laughing]

936
00:43:29,443 --> 00:43:30,652
"What's going on over there?

937
00:43:31,862 --> 00:43:33,280
That the Anderson kid?

938
00:43:34,198 --> 00:43:35,491
What's he doing in that car?

939
00:43:36,992 --> 00:43:38,494
Windows are fogging up pretty good.

940
00:43:40,829 --> 00:43:41,997
And he looks pissed.

941
00:43:45,209 --> 00:43:46,418
What, is he jerking off?

942
00:43:48,253 --> 00:43:50,464
You can't jerk off pissed,
you'll rip your dick off. Hey!

943
00:43:51,215 --> 00:43:52,049
Hey!

944
00:43:53,425 --> 00:43:57,471
Hey, Debbie, get down here. The Anderson
kid is gonna rip his dick off. Hey!

945
00:43:58,514 --> 00:44:00,474
Hey, you're gonna rip your dick off. Yeah.

946
00:44:01,016 --> 00:44:03,018
Yeah, you're gonna rip your dick off!

947
00:44:03,101 --> 00:44:06,480
Don't be angry.
Oh, he flipped me off. Debbie!"

948
00:44:06,897 --> 00:44:08,232
[laughing]

949
00:44:11,360 --> 00:44:12,986
It's the most ridiculous shit.

950
00:44:15,030 --> 00:44:16,698
You know what even is more baffling now,

951
00:44:16,781 --> 00:44:18,867
is how kids are sleeping with
their teachers.

952
00:44:20,869 --> 00:44:22,204
We could have done that?

953
00:44:22,329 --> 00:44:23,705
[laughing]

954
00:44:24,415 --> 00:44:25,665
Who discovered that?

955
00:44:26,584 --> 00:44:28,544
What Christopher Columbus

956
00:44:28,835 --> 00:44:30,295
pioneer kid...

957
00:44:31,296 --> 00:44:33,173
Seriously, especially, at 13.

958
00:44:33,465 --> 00:44:35,008
Thirteen years old, as a guy,

959
00:44:35,092 --> 00:44:39,471
is the most insecure time in your life.
What cocky, arrogant, 13-year-old kid

960
00:44:39,555 --> 00:44:42,266
would sit in the back of
Spanish class with his friends,

961
00:44:42,349 --> 00:44:44,142
looking at the teacher, like, "Dibs."

962
00:44:44,560 --> 00:44:46,353
[laughing]

963
00:44:48,480 --> 00:44:50,941
Like, even if you wanted her
and thought she wanted you,

964
00:44:51,024 --> 00:44:53,235
like, how do you
open up flirting, for real?

965
00:44:53,527 --> 00:44:55,613
It's hard enough to hit on a girl
in a grocery store.

966
00:44:55,695 --> 00:44:59,157
How, as a 13-year-old, do you think
she's interested? What's your sign?

967
00:45:00,033 --> 00:45:02,620
What, do you get, like,
a "See me" on your test,

968
00:45:03,787 --> 00:45:05,122
and took it a different way?

969
00:45:06,582 --> 00:45:09,251
She's like, "Okay, Billy, I needed
to talk to you about your test."

970
00:45:09,334 --> 00:45:11,711
"Why don't we put that away,
here's what's gonna happen.

971
00:45:11,962 --> 00:45:13,547
[laughing]

972
00:45:18,051 --> 00:45:21,805
Have you been playing games
with me, Miss Hagadorn?"

973
00:45:22,139 --> 00:45:23,599
[laughing]

974
00:45:24,849 --> 00:45:25,976
"Billy, what are you doing?"

975
00:45:27,018 --> 00:45:28,728
[mimicking girl voice]
"'Billy, what are you doing?'

976
00:45:29,396 --> 00:45:30,522
[deep voice] Shut up, you bitch.

977
00:45:33,525 --> 00:45:36,069
"Now, here's the deal.
You got a weird face,

978
00:45:37,321 --> 00:45:38,530
you're not attractive,

979
00:45:38,863 --> 00:45:40,532
you've aged, you cry,

980
00:45:41,199 --> 00:45:42,660
have these fucking bags,

981
00:45:43,702 --> 00:45:44,744
you're a mess,

982
00:45:45,787 --> 00:45:46,913
but I need you."

983
00:45:48,666 --> 00:45:49,833
"Billy, your dick is out."

984
00:45:51,335 --> 00:45:52,836
[deep voice] "I like the air. Now...

985
00:45:56,214 --> 00:45:57,466
Here's what's gonna happen.

986
00:45:58,008 --> 00:46:00,719
We're gonna go to dinner, Macaroni Grill.

987
00:46:00,802 --> 00:46:01,886
You're buying.

988
00:46:02,971 --> 00:46:04,723
You can get whatever you like.

989
00:46:06,016 --> 00:46:07,184
I'm gonna color.

990
00:46:08,727 --> 00:46:11,522
[laughing]

991
00:46:14,650 --> 00:46:16,735
They got good crayons there, you know?

992
00:46:17,653 --> 00:46:19,613
[yelling] They got magenta,
I love magenta!"

993
00:46:20,405 --> 00:46:21,948
"Lower your voice."
[deep voice] "Fuck you.

994
00:46:22,032 --> 00:46:23,659
[laughing]

995
00:46:25,994 --> 00:46:27,705
I'm an artist.
You don't know that about me,

996
00:46:27,787 --> 00:46:29,498
you don't know a lot of things about me.

997
00:46:29,914 --> 00:46:33,377
I also play baseball, Little League,
All-Star team, switch-hitter.

998
00:46:34,127 --> 00:46:35,795
My dad's the coach. He's...

999
00:46:35,879 --> 00:46:39,675
He's a grumpy man, business isn't well...
Plumbing is not too good.

1000
00:46:40,300 --> 00:46:42,469
Anyway, I went in, he was
watching the game yesterday.

1001
00:46:42,553 --> 00:46:43,970
I said, 'Dad, I gotta talk to you.'

1002
00:46:44,054 --> 00:46:46,264
He says, 'Not now.'
I said, 'Dad, I gotta talk to you.'

1003
00:46:47,057 --> 00:46:48,183
He said, 'What do you need?'

1004
00:46:48,475 --> 00:46:50,602
I said, 'I think I wanna
fuck Miss Hagadorn.'

1005
00:46:51,936 --> 00:46:53,355
He says, 'Why? She's weird.'

1006
00:46:54,814 --> 00:46:56,441
I said, 'I know, but I need her.'

1007
00:46:58,151 --> 00:47:02,322
Anyway, he gave me this permission slip
that says I get to fuck you, so..."

1008
00:47:02,740 --> 00:47:03,823
[laughing]

1009
00:47:05,116 --> 00:47:06,451
"Here's what I'm thinking.

1010
00:47:06,535 --> 00:47:09,621
After dinner, we go back to your house,
I build a fort in your house.

1011
00:47:12,750 --> 00:47:14,543
[laughing]

1012
00:47:14,959 --> 00:47:17,879
It's gonna be about ten rooms,
two stories,

1013
00:47:18,171 --> 00:47:19,631
you're not gonna know how I did it.

1014
00:47:21,174 --> 00:47:24,219
Then I'm gonna get naked, I'm gonna
run around in there and I'm gonna hide

1015
00:47:24,302 --> 00:47:25,763
and you're gonna try and find me.

1016
00:47:28,515 --> 00:47:29,683
You're not gonna find me.

1017
00:47:31,268 --> 00:47:32,936
Then, once I decide I'm ready,

1018
00:47:33,019 --> 00:47:35,063
I'm gonna crawl up that duck-dress
you wear everyday

1019
00:47:35,146 --> 00:47:36,732
and you're gonna make a man out of me.

1020
00:47:37,775 --> 00:47:40,985
Now, it's not gonna be good...

1021
00:47:42,112 --> 00:47:42,946
[chuckles]

1022
00:47:44,864 --> 00:47:46,658
...but after that, I gotta leave.

1023
00:47:47,158 --> 00:47:48,827
I got homework, that's your fault.

1024
00:47:48,952 --> 00:47:51,037
[laughing]

1025
00:47:52,372 --> 00:47:54,249
So, what do you say, Miss Hagadorn?

1026
00:47:55,542 --> 00:47:57,085
You wanna make a man out of me?"

1027
00:48:00,922 --> 00:48:02,090
"Billy...

1028
00:48:03,258 --> 00:48:05,302
The whole class is still here."

1029
00:48:05,677 --> 00:48:07,387
[laughing]

1030
00:48:07,638 --> 00:48:09,306
[applauding]

1031
00:48:13,351 --> 00:48:14,519
Oh, my God.

1032
00:48:15,312 --> 00:48:17,230
So, back to the party with the magician.

1033
00:48:19,274 --> 00:48:21,485
So, now I'm drunk,
he's doing tricks, he looks great.

1034
00:48:22,193 --> 00:48:24,404
I'm sad. I decide, I'm getting out,
I'm leaving.

1035
00:48:24,529 --> 00:48:25,781
I don't say "bye" anymore.

1036
00:48:26,114 --> 00:48:27,574
I'm done with byes. I Irish exit.

1037
00:48:27,658 --> 00:48:29,701
- If you don't know what that is basically-
- [yelling from audience]

1038
00:48:29,785 --> 00:48:32,245
Yes, everybody knows what it is,
so I don't have to explain.

1039
00:48:32,996 --> 00:48:34,498
Just get the fuck out. Who cares?

1040
00:48:34,581 --> 00:48:36,792
But I added something to it
that you guys can use.

1041
00:48:36,875 --> 00:48:40,838
Here's what you do, you say one thing
you really wanna do and then leave.

1042
00:48:41,546 --> 00:48:43,632
You go, "Man, I'd love a bath."

1043
00:48:47,302 --> 00:48:49,971
Then leave and your friends
will be like, "Where the fuck are you?"

1044
00:48:50,054 --> 00:48:51,014
"I'm in a bath."

1045
00:48:51,515 --> 00:48:53,600
"You were serious?"
"Yes, I said I wanted a bath."

1046
00:48:53,767 --> 00:48:55,059
Then you're good, okay?

1047
00:48:55,143 --> 00:48:57,896
I go home, I'm depressed now, I'm sad.

1048
00:48:58,271 --> 00:48:59,439
I go to my room.

1049
00:48:59,731 --> 00:49:02,526
I'm drunk, I decide I'm gonna
YouTube some sad shit.

1050
00:49:03,902 --> 00:49:05,737
Not like, "Hey, I'm gonna kill myself."

1051
00:49:05,821 --> 00:49:07,947
Just like, "Let me get a good cry in,
before bed."

1052
00:49:09,324 --> 00:49:12,327
Like, you've never done that?
You've never done that shit on YouTube?

1053
00:49:12,994 --> 00:49:14,329
So, I start searching

1054
00:49:14,412 --> 00:49:16,080
and I stumbled across
the British <i>X Factor.</i>

1055
00:49:16,206 --> 00:49:17,541
You ever seen that in your life?

1056
00:49:18,249 --> 00:49:19,543
Not the American one.

1057
00:49:19,918 --> 00:49:22,546
These kids have it too good.
You have to do the British one,

1058
00:49:22,629 --> 00:49:26,174
with the little orphan kids
'cause that hits the heart right away.

1059
00:49:26,257 --> 00:49:27,926
That will get you immediately.

1060
00:49:28,009 --> 00:49:29,845
Where the host is like,
[British accent] "What's your name?"

1061
00:49:29,928 --> 00:49:31,847
Kid's like, [British accent]
"I don't have a name."

1062
00:49:39,979 --> 00:49:41,773
Like, I'm just drunk and naked in my room,

1063
00:49:41,857 --> 00:49:44,067
I have to pause it, like,
"Give me a minute.

1064
00:49:44,693 --> 00:49:47,821
Why doesn't he have a name?
You could have a name. Name yourself.

1065
00:49:49,030 --> 00:49:51,282
You can name yourself 'Steel'
and have fun with it."

1066
00:49:53,911 --> 00:49:56,120
I turned it back on, it was even worse.
The host is like,

1067
00:49:56,204 --> 00:49:57,789
[British accent]
"Where are your shoes?" Kid's like,

1068
00:49:57,873 --> 00:50:00,500
[British accent] "I've never owned
shoes before." I'm like, "Pause!

1069
00:50:02,168 --> 00:50:04,629
I mean, give him shoes!
The show can give him shoes!

1070
00:50:07,716 --> 00:50:09,968
You're gonna let him walk around
England with no shoes?

1071
00:50:10,051 --> 00:50:11,720
It's all stone roads, I think."

1072
00:50:16,516 --> 00:50:19,227
I turned it back on, it was even worse.
The host is like,

1073
00:50:19,310 --> 00:50:21,354
[British accent] "Have you ever
sang before?" Kid's like, "Um...

1074
00:50:21,855 --> 00:50:24,357
[British accent]
Actually, I've never sang, but...

1075
00:50:24,942 --> 00:50:26,735
I figured, if I sing from my heart...

1076
00:50:28,278 --> 00:50:30,948
then maybe my parents can hear me
and have, like, a family again."

1077
00:50:34,242 --> 00:50:36,995
"That's it, pause. I don't need to hear
you sing. You'll be my son.

1078
00:50:37,078 --> 00:50:38,079
I'll find you.

1079
00:50:39,289 --> 00:50:40,373
I'm gonna find you.

1080
00:50:41,124 --> 00:50:42,375
I know, I'm drunk and naked,

1081
00:50:43,710 --> 00:50:45,503
and I'm talking to a computer right now,

1082
00:50:46,170 --> 00:50:49,549
but I'm gonna find you. I don't know how,
'cause you don't have a fucking name.

1083
00:50:52,385 --> 00:50:55,096
But I'll find you and I'll get you
any shoe you want.

1084
00:50:55,221 --> 00:50:58,850
All right? And I'll name you.
You could be Brent. We'll both be Brent.

1085
00:50:59,517 --> 00:51:00,769
That's a good name.

1086
00:51:01,311 --> 00:51:02,771
[voice cracking]
And I'll get you little suits.

1087
00:51:03,146 --> 00:51:04,522
I'll get you the little suits.

1088
00:51:04,982 --> 00:51:06,733
So, we'd go to lunch,
I will hold your hand

1089
00:51:06,817 --> 00:51:09,569
and I'll make you go to the host, you'll
be like, [British accent] 'Table for two.'

1090
00:51:11,112 --> 00:51:13,698
They'll be like, 'Is that his son,
or a little business partner?'

1091
00:51:13,782 --> 00:51:15,325
[voice cracking] They're not gonna know.

1092
00:51:19,245 --> 00:51:20,538
I'll find you right now.

1093
00:51:20,622 --> 00:51:24,501
Google, 'little orphan boys with
no names from England.'

1094
00:51:25,084 --> 00:51:26,795
[laughing]

1095
00:51:28,630 --> 00:51:29,923
Fuck!"

1096
00:51:32,175 --> 00:51:34,719
They're like,
"Boss, he's getting weirder!"

1097
00:51:38,807 --> 00:51:40,266
Side note, the only thing worse than

1098
00:51:40,350 --> 00:51:42,101
getting caught jerking off
by your roommate,

1099
00:51:42,185 --> 00:51:45,897
is getting caught crying naked, while
watching orphans sing on <i>The X Factor.</i>

1100
00:51:46,397 --> 00:51:49,609
I've never seen a more confusing
entrance in my entire life.

1101
00:51:49,693 --> 00:51:51,444
My roommate, who is my cousin,

1102
00:51:51,528 --> 00:51:53,530
that I have to see at
every family function,

1103
00:51:53,613 --> 00:51:56,950
just walked in and had, like,
six emotions in seven seconds.

1104
00:51:57,034 --> 00:52:00,453
I've never seen anything like it.
He goes, "Hey, you wanna eat? Holy Shit!

1105
00:52:00,537 --> 00:52:01,496
Ha-ha-ha-ha!

1106
00:52:01,579 --> 00:52:02,747
What are you doing?

1107
00:52:02,831 --> 00:52:04,207
Ha! I gotta move!"

1108
00:52:05,333 --> 00:52:06,668
[laughing]

1109
00:52:13,383 --> 00:52:14,843
So, I woke up the next day,

1110
00:52:15,886 --> 00:52:17,554
and I started laughing, immediately.

1111
00:52:18,304 --> 00:52:19,764
No, I did. Here's why.

1112
00:52:19,848 --> 00:52:21,307
Because I realized it was ego.

1113
00:52:21,391 --> 00:52:24,143
It was just ego. I did shit with the ego
and it fucked me up.

1114
00:52:24,644 --> 00:52:26,479
Because here is me, okay, in life.

1115
00:52:27,188 --> 00:52:28,606
Biggest romantic you've ever known.

1116
00:52:28,690 --> 00:52:31,359
Growing up, loved love,
that's all I cared about.

1117
00:52:31,442 --> 00:52:33,945
I was a six-year-old kid who would
look out his bedroom window,

1118
00:52:34,029 --> 00:52:35,739
see Laurie ride her bicycle by
and be like,

1119
00:52:35,822 --> 00:52:37,448
[child voice] "One day, she'll be mine."

1120
00:52:39,034 --> 00:52:41,244
I was. Then my little brother,
who's gay, would come out

1121
00:52:41,327 --> 00:52:42,787
and be like, "You're being a faggot."

1122
00:52:42,871 --> 00:52:44,205
You know what I mean, like...

1123
00:52:45,582 --> 00:52:46,708
That's how bad I am.

1124
00:52:47,542 --> 00:52:49,127
That's all I thought about. Like I said,

1125
00:52:49,210 --> 00:52:51,212
I was an average student,
so I used to skip school

1126
00:52:51,295 --> 00:52:53,381
and see every romantic comedy,
every romance movie.

1127
00:52:53,464 --> 00:52:56,467
And there was a magic to it, 'cause
I used to think that's all that matters.

1128
00:52:56,551 --> 00:52:59,763
Somebody is gonna walk in,
time's gonna stop and that's it.

1129
00:52:59,846 --> 00:53:01,389
That's why I'm here, that's it.

1130
00:53:01,681 --> 00:53:02,807
I used to think like that.

1131
00:53:03,224 --> 00:53:04,809
And now, as an adult,

1132
00:53:05,435 --> 00:53:07,604
it's different. I'm not saying
I don't believe in love,

1133
00:53:07,687 --> 00:53:08,813
but it's changed.

1134
00:53:08,897 --> 00:53:11,482
I'll see those movies, but I don't
believe in that magic anymore.

1135
00:53:11,566 --> 00:53:13,443
'Cause it's the same thing,
my mind has shifted.

1136
00:53:13,902 --> 00:53:17,155
Because it's always the same movie.
Some free spirit girl at the coffee shop,

1137
00:53:17,238 --> 00:53:18,990
she brings her own wine from home,

1138
00:53:19,074 --> 00:53:22,786
right? She has a book on travel, 'cause
she's gonna go to Europe, eventually.

1139
00:53:22,869 --> 00:53:26,414
She has, like, a baby panda tied
to her chair that nobody questions.

1140
00:53:27,124 --> 00:53:28,792
Then there's a conservative businessman

1141
00:53:28,875 --> 00:53:32,253
who only cares about the promotion
and he walks in and trips over the panda

1142
00:53:32,336 --> 00:53:35,506
and falls into her and she's like, "What
the hell?" And he's like, "I'm sorry."

1143
00:53:35,632 --> 00:53:37,842
And then they, like, lock eyes
and have this connection.

1144
00:53:37,968 --> 00:53:41,012
So they go on this free spirit adventure
through San Francisco.

1145
00:53:41,096 --> 00:53:43,807
And she's saying shit to him,
"You need to find your inner animal.

1146
00:53:43,890 --> 00:53:46,476
You need to, like, roar..." Or some shit.

1147
00:53:46,559 --> 00:53:48,352
[laughing]

1148
00:53:48,895 --> 00:53:51,064
So, later, they get in a fight

1149
00:53:51,148 --> 00:53:53,150
and instead of doing
a good job in the one meeting

1150
00:53:53,232 --> 00:53:55,234
that he's been training for
his entire life,

1151
00:53:55,318 --> 00:53:56,903
he decides that he is gonna fuck it up.

1152
00:53:56,987 --> 00:53:59,489
And he loosens his tie and he goes,
"Ladies and gentlemen,

1153
00:53:59,823 --> 00:54:00,907
I am a lion.

1154
00:54:02,283 --> 00:54:03,367
[roars]

1155
00:54:04,702 --> 00:54:07,164
And they're like, "You're fired
'cause you had a mental breakdown."

1156
00:54:07,246 --> 00:54:10,333
Right? Then he gets fired and he has
to run to the train station to find her,

1157
00:54:10,416 --> 00:54:12,627
'cause she's so distraught,
she's going to Europe now,

1158
00:54:12,710 --> 00:54:14,754
even though trains don't go
to fucking Europe.

1159
00:54:14,838 --> 00:54:15,839
[laughing]

1160
00:54:15,922 --> 00:54:18,842
And he has to stop her and he has to
give that big speech in every movie.

1161
00:54:18,925 --> 00:54:21,260
"Listen to me. You were right, okay?
Nothing else matters.

1162
00:54:21,344 --> 00:54:23,346
And you're right I needed
to find my inner animal.

1163
00:54:23,429 --> 00:54:25,890
I needed to roar and I did,
'cause I'm a lion, but you...

1164
00:54:26,224 --> 00:54:27,266
you are my kingdom."

1165
00:54:27,517 --> 00:54:28,601
Or some shit like that.

1166
00:54:29,644 --> 00:54:32,730
And I used to love that. I used to be
the guy who used to see that and go,

1167
00:54:32,814 --> 00:54:34,149
"I want that."

1168
00:54:34,232 --> 00:54:36,985
But now, all I think about
is a year later.

1169
00:54:41,031 --> 00:54:42,991
Where they're sharing a studio apartment,

1170
00:54:43,449 --> 00:54:45,910
because he can't get a job
in the corporate world anymore.

1171
00:54:45,994 --> 00:54:47,912
Because he's known as
the fucking lion guy.

1172
00:54:51,541 --> 00:54:54,794
Then you find out that her "free spirit"
and wine she brings from home,

1173
00:54:54,878 --> 00:54:56,796
she's just really a bipolar alcoholic,

1174
00:54:56,880 --> 00:54:58,923
who hasn't had a job in nine years.

1175
00:54:59,549 --> 00:55:02,635
Then one day, he's just so depressed,
'cause he's putting a vest on.

1176
00:55:02,719 --> 00:55:05,346
Anytime you have to put a vest on
for work, you're not happy,

1177
00:55:05,429 --> 00:55:07,724
you know, unless you're
a fucking magician!

1178
00:55:07,807 --> 00:55:09,267
Anyway, point is,

1179
00:55:09,767 --> 00:55:12,353
he's putting a vest on and he
trips over one of the many sandals

1180
00:55:12,436 --> 00:55:15,023
she hasn't finished making
for kids in Africa and he just snaps,

1181
00:55:15,106 --> 00:55:18,693
like, "Goddammit, Destiny!
Can you pick your fucking sandals up?"

1182
00:55:18,776 --> 00:55:20,361
She's like,
"Why don't you yell a little louder?

1183
00:55:20,486 --> 00:55:21,779
Maybe, if we had a bigger place..."

1184
00:55:21,863 --> 00:55:24,199
"Maybe, if I hadn't roared
in the fucking meeting,

1185
00:55:24,282 --> 00:55:25,867
we would have a bigger goddamn place."

1186
00:55:25,950 --> 00:55:29,704
"Really? Blame me, keep blaming me,
'cause you couldn't be professional."

1187
00:55:29,787 --> 00:55:31,581
"Are you fucking drunk right now?
Be honest!"

1188
00:55:31,664 --> 00:55:34,834
"Of course, I am, 'cause I'm like
a spiritual..." "Shut the fuck up!

1189
00:55:34,918 --> 00:55:36,169
No more spiritual shit!

1190
00:55:36,253 --> 00:55:38,546
And what's your real name?
'Cause I know it's not Destiny,

1191
00:55:38,629 --> 00:55:40,215
I wanna know your real fucking name.

1192
00:55:41,507 --> 00:55:43,634
And this panda's huge now, by the way.

1193
00:55:44,552 --> 00:55:45,845
[laughing]

1194
00:55:48,806 --> 00:55:51,350
It doesn't fit, Destiny.
It's terrifying to walk.

1195
00:55:51,434 --> 00:55:53,770
You wouldn't know that
'cause you have to have your cry nap

1196
00:55:53,853 --> 00:55:55,272
at 3:00 p.m. every fucking day.

1197
00:55:55,939 --> 00:55:57,732
And I know you took it
from the San Diego Zoo,

1198
00:55:57,815 --> 00:55:59,317
I know for a fact you fucking did it.

1199
00:55:59,400 --> 00:56:01,778
You can't own a panda in San Francisco.

1200
00:56:01,861 --> 00:56:05,198
And I looked it up. 'Frizzy haired hippie
steals panda, stabs trainer.'

1201
00:56:05,282 --> 00:56:07,658
So, here's the new game
we're gonna play, Destiny.

1202
00:56:07,742 --> 00:56:09,660
You're gonna tell me
your real fucking name,

1203
00:56:09,744 --> 00:56:12,122
or I turn you into federal prison
for the panda."

1204
00:56:12,205 --> 00:56:14,832
And she's like, "Okay, well,
how about this? Panda, get him."

1205
00:56:14,916 --> 00:56:17,752
Then the panda eats him
and she's back at the coffee shop.

1206
00:56:17,835 --> 00:56:19,254
That's kinda where I am with love.

1207
00:56:20,463 --> 00:56:21,923
[laughing]

1208
00:56:33,059 --> 00:56:34,102
I lied to you.

1209
00:56:34,852 --> 00:56:36,980
I actually did care about that girl
with the magician.

1210
00:56:37,814 --> 00:56:39,690
I did. Let me explain, okay?

1211
00:56:39,774 --> 00:56:41,734
It's not my fault, all right?
That's where I'll leave it.

1212
00:56:42,277 --> 00:56:43,361
I said it before,

1213
00:56:43,444 --> 00:56:45,905
I do wanna be in love.
I'm not ready for a relationship.

1214
00:56:46,030 --> 00:56:47,865
And this is how I learned.
I was with this girl.

1215
00:56:47,991 --> 00:56:51,161
Now this girl, beautiful, smart, sexy,

1216
00:56:51,286 --> 00:56:53,621
everything you'd want,
wildly out of my league.

1217
00:56:54,205 --> 00:56:55,832
Which is what you want, as a man.

1218
00:56:55,957 --> 00:56:58,376
As a man, I think you find
somebody out of your league

1219
00:56:58,459 --> 00:56:59,752
and then you trick her.

1220
00:56:59,836 --> 00:57:01,462
[laughing]

1221
00:57:01,587 --> 00:57:04,132
And you pray she doesn't catch on,
that's the goal.

1222
00:57:04,215 --> 00:57:06,968
You pray she doesn't come down like,
"I was just thinking about us."

1223
00:57:07,051 --> 00:57:08,552
"No, no, no, no, no...

1224
00:57:09,137 --> 00:57:10,930
Hey, hey, I'm funny, hey." You know?

1225
00:57:12,932 --> 00:57:14,100
So it's about two months in,

1226
00:57:14,184 --> 00:57:16,102
I'm starting to think maybe
I can date this girl, okay?

1227
00:57:16,186 --> 00:57:17,728
But I don't think you should force it.

1228
00:57:17,812 --> 00:57:20,439
I think you have to find it and at
the moment, I'm thinking I can do it.

1229
00:57:20,523 --> 00:57:23,484
So, we're out to dinner and she
says to me, rightfully so, she goes,

1230
00:57:23,567 --> 00:57:26,196
"So, what do you think about
a relationship?"

1231
00:57:26,279 --> 00:57:29,407
And I wanted to respond,
but up here, I just snapped.

1232
00:57:29,490 --> 00:57:31,075
And I started picturing us together.

1233
00:57:31,159 --> 00:57:32,576
Like, comfortably together.

1234
00:57:32,660 --> 00:57:34,037
Like, in on a Saturday night,

1235
00:57:34,120 --> 00:57:36,414
watching some Reese Witherspoon movie
that she picked,

1236
00:57:36,497 --> 00:57:39,334
that I didn't wanna watch.
Then she's gonna pause it for 45 minutes

1237
00:57:39,417 --> 00:57:41,336
to talk to her aunt about
her Xanax problem.

1238
00:57:42,337 --> 00:57:45,382
Then before we can argue, she snaps
a photo of me and puts it on Instagram.

1239
00:57:45,464 --> 00:57:46,799
Like, hashtag date night,

1240
00:57:46,883 --> 00:57:48,718
hashtag jealous, like, no.

1241
00:57:48,843 --> 00:57:52,680
Nobody's jealous and I'm skinny fat now,
which I didn't know was a fucking thing.

1242
00:57:52,763 --> 00:57:54,265
[laughing]

1243
00:57:54,349 --> 00:57:55,766
Then I started thinking,

1244
00:57:55,850 --> 00:57:58,019
if we're comfortably together,
we're gonna get married.

1245
00:57:58,102 --> 00:58:00,479
I started thinking if we get married,
we're gonna have kids.

1246
00:58:00,563 --> 00:58:02,065
And about the kinda kids I don't want.

1247
00:58:02,148 --> 00:58:04,567
I don't want a creepy daughter.
I don't need that in my life.

1248
00:58:04,650 --> 00:58:08,112
I don't need some little girl,
pale all year, with bangs.

1249
00:58:08,196 --> 00:58:09,697
[laughing]

1250
00:58:09,780 --> 00:58:12,700
Every time I open the front door,
she's just standing there, like,

1251
00:58:12,783 --> 00:58:14,160
"Hello, Father."

1252
00:58:14,244 --> 00:58:15,912
[laughing]

1253
00:58:17,080 --> 00:58:19,749
She dresses like a pilgrim,
I don't know where she got the clothes.

1254
00:58:20,666 --> 00:58:23,420
I'm like, "Honey, where are you getting
the materials to make these?"

1255
00:58:24,128 --> 00:58:25,629
"She gave 'em to me."

1256
00:58:26,172 --> 00:58:27,173
"Who?"

1257
00:58:27,424 --> 00:58:29,633
<i>♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪</i>

1258
00:58:30,385 --> 00:58:32,720
"Don't hum and walk away, honey!"

1259
00:58:34,222 --> 00:58:37,641
I can't even go to the bathroom at night,
she scares the shit out of me in hallways.

1260
00:58:38,142 --> 00:58:39,894
Just, "Father." "Jesus! Fuck!"

1261
00:58:39,977 --> 00:58:41,229
[laughing]

1262
00:58:41,312 --> 00:58:43,731
"Christ. Mary Sue, could you
go to bed, please, Mary Sue?"

1263
00:58:43,814 --> 00:58:45,900
I didn't even name her Mary Sue,
the "house" did.

1264
00:58:45,983 --> 00:58:48,194
[laughing]

1265
00:58:49,779 --> 00:58:51,530
Three in the morning, she's fully dressed,

1266
00:58:51,614 --> 00:58:53,783
I'm like, "Honey, why are
you up right now?"

1267
00:58:53,866 --> 00:58:55,493
"We're playing." "Who?"

1268
00:58:55,576 --> 00:58:58,329
"Me and her." "Don't point that high!"

1269
00:58:59,538 --> 00:59:00,873
[laughing]

1270
00:59:01,874 --> 00:59:03,584
Every weekend, I'm trying to watch a game,

1271
00:59:03,667 --> 00:59:06,712
she's just up in her room, humming a song
that I've never heard and painting, just,

1272
00:59:06,796 --> 00:59:11,008
<i>♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪</i>

1273
00:59:11,592 --> 00:59:15,430
<i>♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪</i>

1274
00:59:15,972 --> 00:59:19,934
<i>♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪</i>

1275
00:59:20,559 --> 00:59:23,813
<i>♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪</i>

1276
00:59:23,896 --> 00:59:24,730
[deeper voice]

1277
00:59:24,814 --> 00:59:28,985
<i>♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪</i>

1278
00:59:29,319 --> 00:59:32,905
<i>♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪</i>

1279
00:59:32,989 --> 00:59:33,823
[operatic voice]

1280
00:59:33,906 --> 00:59:38,286
<i>♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪</i>

1281
00:59:38,369 --> 00:59:42,915
<i>♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪</i>

1282
00:59:42,999 --> 00:59:44,542
[creepy whisper] "Father."

1283
00:59:45,376 --> 00:59:46,585
[laughing]

1284
00:59:46,669 --> 00:59:48,838
[applauding]

1285
00:59:53,301 --> 00:59:56,595
I run up to her room, and I'm like,
"Honey, you're scaring the shit out of me.

1286
00:59:56,679 --> 00:59:57,763
How did you do that?"

1287
00:59:57,847 --> 00:59:58,889
I see what she's painting.

1288
00:59:58,973 --> 01:00:01,058
Just paintings of my face,
really well done, like this.

1289
01:00:01,934 --> 01:00:03,561
[laughing]

1290
01:00:03,936 --> 01:00:06,230
Then I thought about this,
I don't want a hot son, either.

1291
01:00:06,314 --> 01:00:07,524
I don't want that in my life.

1292
01:00:07,606 --> 01:00:10,193
I don't need the Brad Pitt kid,
I don't want him.

1293
01:00:10,276 --> 01:00:13,821
I don't want 6'3", tan all year,
even though we live in Connecticut.

1294
01:00:13,904 --> 01:00:16,782
He's got an eight-pack, but only eats
his Doritos and cookies,

1295
01:00:16,866 --> 01:00:18,117
which really pisses me off.

1296
01:00:18,742 --> 01:00:19,827
He has that long hair,

1297
01:00:19,910 --> 01:00:22,121
when he makes cumming noises,
every time he moves it, just...

1298
01:00:22,205 --> 01:00:24,957
[guttural moaning]

1299
01:00:30,713 --> 01:00:32,298
"Could you knock that off, Brock?"

1300
01:00:32,382 --> 01:00:34,384
[laughing]

1301
01:00:34,633 --> 01:00:37,470
I didn't even name him Brock,
the town did, they sent me a letter.

1302
01:00:39,763 --> 01:00:41,098
He's always getting up for school

1303
01:00:41,182 --> 01:00:43,100
at 11:00 a.m., even though
school's at 7:00 a.m.

1304
01:00:43,184 --> 01:00:45,562
But he gets straight A's,
but he spells "the" with a "b".

1305
01:00:45,686 --> 01:00:48,898
I'm like, "Are you sleeping with your
teachers?" He's like, "Relax, Puffy Pops."

1306
01:00:48,981 --> 01:00:50,608
[laughing]

1307
01:00:50,691 --> 01:00:54,653
He calls me Puffy Pops. So, I'm way past
skinny fat, I'm just fat as shit now.

1308
01:00:55,530 --> 01:00:57,073
He's on the basketball team,
but he's not even good.

1309
01:00:57,156 --> 01:00:58,324
He's on it 'cause he's cool.

1310
01:00:58,408 --> 01:01:00,243
After the game,
I gotta hold all his shit.

1311
01:01:00,368 --> 01:01:03,538
But he's at mid-court, fingering the head
cheerleader on an adrenaline kick.

1312
01:01:03,787 --> 01:01:05,623
"Give me a minute, Puffy Pops."

1313
01:01:07,124 --> 01:01:09,668
I'm like, "Jesus Christ, Brock.
The whole school is still here."

1314
01:01:09,752 --> 01:01:11,170
"It's all right, I know her body."

1315
01:01:11,254 --> 01:01:13,506
"You don't know bodies, Brock.
You shouldn't know bodies.

1316
01:01:13,590 --> 01:01:14,882
Denise, I apologize about your daughter."

1317
01:01:15,299 --> 01:01:16,133
"I don't mind."

1318
01:01:16,217 --> 01:01:19,262
"That's fucking weird, Denise.
Brock, hurry up, please, come on!"

1319
01:01:19,345 --> 01:01:21,138
"It's all right, Puffy Pops.
I know her body."

1320
01:01:21,222 --> 01:01:23,807
"Shut the fuck up!
Stop calling me Puffy Pops, all right?

1321
01:01:23,933 --> 01:01:27,019
I'm doing P90X to get back to skinny fat,
you wanna fucking talk to me...

1322
01:01:27,103 --> 01:01:28,854
[guttural mumbling]

1323
01:01:29,855 --> 01:01:31,857
[mouthing out of breath]

1324
01:01:39,616 --> 01:01:41,367
You call me Dad, all right?"

1325
01:01:41,451 --> 01:01:43,244
[creepy whisper] "Father." "Jesus! Fuck!

1326
01:01:44,579 --> 01:01:46,330
Mary Sue, how did you get here?"

1327
01:01:46,872 --> 01:01:49,584
"I walked."
"That's 11 miles. Brock, hurry up!

1328
01:01:49,917 --> 01:01:53,212
Please, she's warm and it was snowing out.
Honey, move your arms when you walk.

1329
01:01:53,296 --> 01:01:55,131
Move your arms when you walk, please.

1330
01:01:55,214 --> 01:01:58,509
Show Daddy your feet, you made your dress
too long, it looks like you're floating.

1331
01:01:58,593 --> 01:01:59,510
[laughing]

1332
01:01:59,594 --> 01:02:02,513
Can you show Daddy your feet,
please, and move your arms?

1333
01:02:02,597 --> 01:02:04,390
You're scaring parents.

1334
01:02:05,099 --> 01:02:08,603
Smile! For once in our family's life,
can you do that, please?

1335
01:02:08,686 --> 01:02:09,770
You're scaring everybody."

1336
01:02:09,853 --> 01:02:11,981
[girl voice] "She's coming."
"What the fuck does that mean?

1337
01:02:12,064 --> 01:02:13,899
Brock, hurry up! She's being weird.

1338
01:02:13,983 --> 01:02:16,527
Is that a painting, Mary Sue?
I don't want the fucking painting.

1339
01:02:16,611 --> 01:02:17,695
I'm done with your paintings, okay?"

1340
01:02:17,778 --> 01:02:20,657
'She sets her school on fire,
her smile...' Holy shit. Brock!

1341
01:02:20,781 --> 01:02:23,951
Hurry up! She's coming!" He's like,
"I know, Puffy Pops.

1342
01:02:24,034 --> 01:02:26,579
I did it. I'm the best. I'm the greatest."

1343
01:02:26,704 --> 01:02:29,415
Then, Miss Hagadorn runs in like,
"How could you do this to us?"

1344
01:02:29,499 --> 01:02:31,959
I'm like,
"I knew you were fucking your teachers."

1345
01:02:32,042 --> 01:02:33,503
[laughing]

1346
01:02:33,961 --> 01:02:37,214
Then I snapped out of it and I was still
at dinner with that girl and she's like,

1347
01:02:37,298 --> 01:02:39,425
"Hello? So?

1348
01:02:40,134 --> 01:02:41,760
What do you think about a relationship?"

1349
01:02:42,178 --> 01:02:43,721
[laughing]

1350
01:02:48,685 --> 01:02:50,019
My point is...

1351
01:02:50,769 --> 01:02:51,854
I'm single.

1352
01:02:52,813 --> 01:02:54,190
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

1353
01:02:54,857 --> 01:02:57,026
[applauding and cheering]

1354
01:03:00,112 --> 01:03:02,573
[whooping]

1355
01:03:11,415 --> 01:03:13,459
Dude, stoked. She's gonna love that, dude.

1356
01:03:14,043 --> 01:03:16,587
Oh, my God. She say anything yet?
What'd she say?

1357
01:03:16,671 --> 01:03:17,505
Yeah.

1358
01:03:18,381 --> 01:03:19,798
"Can't make it. LOL."

1359
01:03:23,802 --> 01:03:25,221
Well, now I'm fucking soaking wet.

1360
01:03:26,013 --> 01:03:28,766
[laughing mockingly]

1361
01:03:33,521 --> 01:03:34,605
Slap.

1362
01:03:35,565 --> 01:03:37,149
[continues laughing]

1363
01:03:38,192 --> 01:03:39,860
Getting ready to get up outta here, dog.

1364
01:03:40,819 --> 01:03:41,696
So...

1365
01:03:42,029 --> 01:03:43,531
If you wanna go ahead and start...

1366
01:03:45,074 --> 01:03:45,908
Hey...

1367
01:03:47,076 --> 01:03:47,910
[snaps fingers]

1368
01:03:49,537 --> 01:03:51,163
You know what's funny about love?

1369
01:03:51,914 --> 01:03:54,833
- No.
- Sometimes, it doesn't go both ways.

1370
01:03:54,917 --> 01:03:57,420
You're right. Sometimes,
nothing goes your way, like,

1371
01:03:57,503 --> 01:04:00,381
you won't go that way towards the exit.

1372
01:04:00,464 --> 01:04:03,092
I don't understand why you won't leave.
Show's over.

1373
01:04:03,175 --> 01:04:04,927
<i>♪ She had sandy brown hair ♪</i>

1374
01:04:07,555 --> 01:04:09,807
<i>♪ And a funny smile... ♪</i>

1375
01:04:09,890 --> 01:04:11,850
'Cause some of her teeth were missing.

1376
01:04:11,975 --> 01:04:16,814
<i>♪ ...And she was my angel ♪</i>

1377
01:04:18,315 --> 01:04:20,484
She could've been the one, you know.
I save her a seat

1378
01:04:20,568 --> 01:04:22,069
then she doesn't come and it's like...

1379
01:04:22,152 --> 01:04:24,781
You saved her a few seats,
'cause there was a couple of 'em empty.

1380
01:04:24,863 --> 01:04:26,824
- There was a bunch of just wind...
- Don't. I know.

1381
01:04:26,907 --> 01:04:29,118
- The fan base is...
- Just a whole bunch of air.

1382
01:04:29,243 --> 01:04:31,078
I get it. I got it, all right?

1383
01:04:31,161 --> 01:04:33,289
It's just like... [sighs]

1384
01:04:33,372 --> 01:04:34,832
They could've Grouponed your tickets.

1385
01:04:35,708 --> 01:04:36,793
They did.

1386
01:04:37,752 --> 01:04:38,711
They did?

1387
01:04:38,795 --> 01:04:40,003
I shouldn't have said that.

1388
01:04:40,921 --> 01:04:42,757
You ever hear of a filter?
You need a filter.

1389
01:04:42,840 --> 01:04:44,300
Like... We're friends.

1390
01:04:45,050 --> 01:04:47,052
We're not friends, we just met today.

1391
01:04:49,722 --> 01:04:51,223
Adam, help me with the chorus.

1392
01:04:52,099 --> 01:04:54,727
<i>♪ Love ♪</i>

1393
01:04:54,811 --> 01:04:58,481
<i>♪ Love, love, love, love ♪</i>

1394
01:04:58,564 --> 01:05:00,733
<i>♪ Feelin' it ♪</i>

1395
01:05:00,817 --> 01:05:02,860
<i>♪ I'm feelin' it ♪</i>

1396
01:05:03,068 --> 01:05:06,238
<i>- ♪ I'm feelin' it ♪
- ♪ I'm feelin' it ♪</i>

1397
01:05:06,447 --> 01:05:12,411
<i>♪ I'm feelin' it ♪</i>

1398
01:05:12,495 --> 01:05:14,538
<i>- ♪ Oh, love
- ♪ Feelin' love ♪</i>

1399
01:05:14,831 --> 01:05:17,708
<i>♪ Love, love
I'm feelin' it ♪</i>

1400
01:05:17,792 --> 01:05:19,126
<i>♪ Love, love... ♪</i>

1401
01:05:19,209 --> 01:05:20,127
Yeah, come on.

1402
01:05:20,210 --> 01:05:21,378
<i>♪ ...I'm feelin' it ♪</i>

1403
01:05:21,462 --> 01:05:23,547
<i>♪ Love, love, love ♪</i>

1404
01:05:23,631 --> 01:05:25,966
[all singing loudly]

1405
01:05:31,681 --> 01:05:32,598
He's pretty good.

1406
01:05:38,228 --> 01:05:39,814
Oh, my God.

1407
01:05:40,022 --> 01:05:42,149
- Damn!
- So, I'm kinda helping, though, right?

1408
01:05:42,274 --> 01:05:43,150
- No.
- No.

1409
01:05:43,317 --> 01:05:44,234
Jared's way better.

1410
01:05:44,485 --> 01:05:45,903
I would prefer just to hear him.

1411
01:05:46,320 --> 01:05:47,988
If... Okay.

1412
01:05:48,739 --> 01:05:49,573
Uh-huh.

1413
01:05:52,117 --> 01:05:54,119
- Dude, that's the song.
- Stop looking at me, dude.

1414
01:05:54,203 --> 01:05:56,413
- That's the song.
- That was the highlight of the night.

1415
01:05:56,497 --> 01:05:58,248
- Whatever, dude.
- Hey, man, you know what?

1416
01:05:58,332 --> 01:06:00,000
You pretty good, Bread Moran's brother.

1417
01:06:00,626 --> 01:06:01,752
Did you just call me bread?

1418
01:06:02,336 --> 01:06:03,629
- That's your name.
- Brent Morin.

1419
01:06:03,713 --> 01:06:04,839
Bre... What?

1420
01:06:05,005 --> 01:06:07,007
Brent Morin.
You just called me Bread Moran.

1421
01:06:07,633 --> 01:06:09,009
I thought it was Bread Mo...

1422
01:06:09,092 --> 01:06:10,845
- Look, that's what...
- Nobody's named bread.

1423
01:06:11,220 --> 01:06:12,763
Well, somebody had to be named Bread.

1424
01:06:12,847 --> 01:06:14,724
- I mean, 'cause it's a name.
- When?

1425
01:06:15,808 --> 01:06:18,811
When they named bread.
It's like, before bread was made,

1426
01:06:18,895 --> 01:06:21,522
somebody had to be named Bread,
so they would know the name bread.

1427
01:06:21,605 --> 01:06:23,649
- That's not a good story.
- All right. Let's do it.

1428
01:06:24,650 --> 01:06:28,779
<i>♪ Fee... ♪</i>

1429
01:06:29,446 --> 01:06:30,364
I gotta throw up.

1430
01:06:30,447 --> 01:06:31,657
- Brent?
- I gotta throw up.

1431
01:06:31,824 --> 01:06:33,992
No, you gotta throw up outside. Outside!

1432
01:06:33,993 --> 01:06:38,993
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com