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[gun cocks and fires]

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[cheering and applause]

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[announcer] <i>Chicago, are you ready?</i>

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[cheering and applause]

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<i>Party goblins, are you ready?</i>

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[cheering and applause]

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<i>Ladies and gentlemen,</i>

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<i>please welcome to the stage,</i>

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<i>Iliza!</i>

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[cheering and applause]

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[cheering and applause]

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- Chicago!
- [cheering]

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- Thank you!
- [cheering]

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Thank you for having me.

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I'd like to discuss something with you.

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There are two kinds of hungover.

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[laughter]

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There's the kind of hungover
where you wake up the next morning

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and you're like,
"What? I touched his penis over his jeans?

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- It's okay, I'm sassy." And then...
- [laughter]

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there's the kind of hungover
where whatever happened the night before

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wasn't even your fault.

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[laughter]

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Because you weren't mentally present
for any of it.

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[laughter]

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[in croaky voice] For 'twas not you
that was is charge.

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[laughter]

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'Twas your party goblin!

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[cheering and applause]

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Yeah.

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Just so you know, your party goblin
sleeps in the back of your brain.

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For those of you
that are unfamiliar with my work,

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she sleeps in the back of your brain

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and she waits... [snorts]
on a pile of rags... [snorts]

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and regrets... [snorts]
and old Tiger Beat magazines. She waits!

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- [laughter]
- For the perfect opportunity.

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[laughter]

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She's back there in your brain,

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sleeping her goblin sleep, just...

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- [snorts and sighs]
- [laughter]

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- [snorts and sighs]
- [laughter]

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[snorts] Channing Tatum, stick of butter.
[snorts]

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[laughter]

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[applause]

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- And she will awaken...
- [laughter]

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when she hears you say...

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"I guess I'll just come out
for one drink."

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[snarls]

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[laughter and applause]

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[cheering]

51
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"I'll just come out for one

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because I have to be up early."

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[screams]

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Eat that sandwich out of the garbage

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and text your ex-boyfriend
that you love him

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then turn your phone off!

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[cheering]

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[cheering and applause]

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And by the way, there is zero culpability
on the part of your party goblin.

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She's not there the next morning

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like, "Oh, my God, are you okay?
Do you need Pedialyte?"

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No!

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She doesn't give a fuck.

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She straight up ghosts at, like, 3:00 a.m.

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when you're shit-faced
in the back of an Uber, right?

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You scooped yourself
into the back of this car.

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Your crowing achievement of the evening
is that you didn't die.

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[laughter]

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And we've all had that moment.

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Anybody that's been out drinking,
you've been out, it's been loud,

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there's been yelling, dancing, you stole
an ambulance, it's been a crazy night.

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We've all had that moment
of solitary drunken serenity

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where you get in the back of the car
and you shut the door

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and for the first time all night
it's quiet.

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[laughter]

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And you think, "Oh, my God, I made it."

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[laughter]

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Followed by, "I'm gonna throw up."

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And the car is going,
you're like, "Oh, fuck!"

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You're trying to hold it in, right?

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You roll the window down.
You're like, "Agh! It's too much air!"

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You roll the window back up.
You're like, "Too much me!"

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You crack the window. You're like, "No!"

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The vomit's coming up. It's right here,
like A1 Steak Sauce, it gets you here.

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You're like, "Uhh!" You're trying to focus
on anything to distract you.

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You're listening to the radio.

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For the first time ever,
you're paying attention

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to the words of a Pitbull song.

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- You're like...
- [laughter]

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<i># Uno, dos, tres... #</i>
We get it! We get it!

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[laughter]

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You look at party goblin, she's loving it.
She's got her head out her window like...

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[screams]

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[laughter]

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And you know
it's your party goblin that got you

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by the manner in which
you wake up the next morning.

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If you wake up. If you wake up, Chicago.

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[laughter]

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You wake up... When party goblin gets you,
you wake up on your couch.

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Beds are for closers.
You wake up on your couch, okay?

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You ever pass out on a pillow so hard,

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you get a cushion scar
down the side of your face?

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[laughter]

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And you wake up, no idea where you are,
no idea where you were.

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You check your wrist, it's just
a dirty patchwork of entry stamps.

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[laughter]

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Putting the pieces together

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from the night before
is like the plot from <i>Memento.</i>

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No idea.

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[laughter]

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You check your Instagram feed,
it's a blurry feed of pictures

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you took of your own face from this angle.

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[laughter and cheering]

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It's just me and three girls in a bathroom
in East LA like, "Squad goals."

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Who the fuck are they?

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[laughter]

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I don't know,
but I think I'm in the gang now, right?

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No idea what you did the night before.

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We... I... You know when party goblin
gets you by the amount that you sleep.

120
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I slept for 15 hours the other day.

121
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- I slept so long, my muscles atrophied.
- [laughter]

122
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Okay? I turned to fucking stone.

123
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You ever pass out

124
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with your full body weight
on your hands, like...

125
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[laughter]

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No blood in, no blood out. Your hands
are just purple, bloated flippers.

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[laughter]

128
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I slept so long, I almost died.

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Like, there was a point
at around 4:00 p.m.

130
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where my soul was like,
"Should I just go?"

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[laughter]

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[cheering]

133
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There's different kinds of drunk.

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Some people think they get smarter when
they're drunk, some people wanna talk.

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The Latin phrase is <i>in vino veritas,</i>
which means, "in wine, there's truth,"

136
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which is why when girls get drunk,
we're always like,

137
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"Can I just tell you a secret?"

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[laughter and applause]

139
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[laughter]

140
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"I don't have a neck."

141
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[laughter]

142
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I don't really make
a lot of drunk mistakes

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but I worry when I make dumb decisions
when I'm drunk for this simple fact.

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In my group of friends, I'm the alpha.

145
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I decide what we do. Obviously.

146
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I pick the restaurants, I pick the bars,
mostly because no one cares,

147
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but I am the decision-maker.

148
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And what worries me is,
if I'm doing stupid shit when I'm drunk,

149
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what hope do the sheep who I lead have...

150
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[cheering and applause]

151
00:07:14,115 --> 00:07:15,909
if that's my example?

152
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So this is the story of one such night.

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So, we were out the other night
and we were

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shit-canned.

155
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Like, the kind of drunk
where you can't even read.

156
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[applause]

157
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And then you realize it's because...
you're in China Town.

158
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[laughter]

159
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[cheering]

160
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[applause]

161
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[laughter]

162
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Actually, you know you're fucked up when
you're in China Town and you <i>can </i>read.

163
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Ohhh!

164
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- Ancient secrets, not so hidden. So...
- [laughter]

165
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We're drunk and we're walking through
China Town and we walk into a bar.

166
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I'm reticent to say that it's a club
because I'm 33,

167
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but there was a dance floor, a DJ
and I had on a little body glitter, okay!

168
00:08:04,748 --> 00:08:07,835
[laughter]

169
00:08:07,918 --> 00:08:11,213
You're probably wondering,
"Why are you wearing body glitter?"

170
00:08:11,297 --> 00:08:12,880
I will tell you, Chicago.

171
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Because my date was late to pick me up.
Gentlemen!

172
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[laughter]

173
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You need to know this about women.

174
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When we get ready,
we have a list of things we do

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to reach our most attractive point.

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There is an apex,
nay, a pinnacle of beauty...

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00:08:30,815 --> 00:08:33,067
that women reach
when they're getting ready.

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And every minute you're late to get us

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is one more minute
we spend doubting ourselves,

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dicking with our makeup,
and we get incrementally uglier...

181
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- [laughter]
- as time goes on.

182
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[cheering and applause]

183
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One time, my date was an hour late,
I grew a tail.

184
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[laughter]

185
00:08:55,256 --> 00:08:57,550
This guy was only 30 minutes late,
thank God.

186
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He walks in, I'm on the ground,
there's caboodle shrapnel everywhere.

187
00:09:02,221 --> 00:09:04,306
I've got a Wet N Wild lip gloss wand,

188
00:09:04,389 --> 00:09:06,099
I'm like, "I'm a pretty girl!"

189
00:09:06,183 --> 00:09:07,809
[laughter]

190
00:09:07,893 --> 00:09:09,436
"Save yourself."

191
00:09:09,519 --> 00:09:11,063
[laughter]

192
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But what happens is, we have time,

193
00:09:13,815 --> 00:09:16,818
so we start to add things,
doubt ourselves.

194
00:09:16,902 --> 00:09:19,488
- That's where I found that glitter.
- [laughter]

195
00:09:19,571 --> 00:09:21,698
"He's not here. [gasps] What's this?"

196
00:09:22,532 --> 00:09:26,036
In hindsight, it wasn't body glitter,
it was straight-up craft glitter.

197
00:09:26,119 --> 00:09:27,371
[laughter]

198
00:09:27,454 --> 00:09:29,915
But I was like, "I'm gonna put it
on my face, make it dainty."

199
00:09:29,998 --> 00:09:33,460
Do you ever feel that? Do you ever feel
that you can make something work?

200
00:09:33,543 --> 00:09:35,921
Do you ever feel that
because you're not trashy,

201
00:09:36,004 --> 00:09:38,632
you can pull off
doing something that's trashy?

202
00:09:38,715 --> 00:09:41,343
[cheering]

203
00:09:43,136 --> 00:09:46,264
You're like, "I can wear
fishnet stockings, I went to Stanford."

204
00:09:46,348 --> 00:09:48,183
Like it's okay for some reason.

205
00:09:48,266 --> 00:09:49,810
[laughter]

206
00:09:49,893 --> 00:09:51,645
That's how I felt about that body glitter.

207
00:09:51,728 --> 00:09:54,855
I was like, "I'll just do a little bit.
I'll do a classy amount.

208
00:09:54,939 --> 00:09:56,691
I'm just gonna do a little bit."

209
00:09:56,774 --> 00:09:59,735
Fun fact, you know what body glitter
up close looks like? Conjunctivitis.

210
00:09:59,819 --> 00:10:01,779
- Like, real up close.
- [laughter]

211
00:10:01,862 --> 00:10:06,867
"I'll do a little." Five minutes later,
"Maybe just highlight the orbital rim.

212
00:10:06,951 --> 00:10:09,036
That way when we're dancing,

213
00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:12,123
the light will hit it and it'll be like,
'Bing, anime! Ah!'

214
00:10:12,206 --> 00:10:13,999
Keep going. Keep going."

215
00:10:14,083 --> 00:10:16,752
Five more minutes later,
"Maybe I'll bring a little bit down here

216
00:10:16,836 --> 00:10:21,966
and highlight the jawbone so he knows I,
what, come from good chewing stock?"

217
00:10:22,049 --> 00:10:23,175
[laughter]

218
00:10:23,259 --> 00:10:26,011
Five more minutes later, sparkle fish!
So now...

219
00:10:26,095 --> 00:10:27,847
[laughter]

220
00:10:27,930 --> 00:10:31,225
I look like a goddamn road flare
and we're in public. So...

221
00:10:31,308 --> 00:10:33,352
[laughter]

222
00:10:33,436 --> 00:10:38,691
We walk into this bar and one of
the difficult parts about being a woman,

223
00:10:38,774 --> 00:10:41,026
besides everything, is that...

224
00:10:41,777 --> 00:10:42,862
It's really hard.

225
00:10:42,945 --> 00:10:46,322
Is that you're constantly battling
with yourself.

226
00:10:46,406 --> 00:10:50,452
In the long run, we're battling
our weight, hair color, wrinkles.

227
00:10:50,535 --> 00:10:54,581
Minute to minute, it's just
an adjustment of your hair and your bra

228
00:10:54,664 --> 00:10:56,416
and your underwear and your makeup

229
00:10:56,499 --> 00:10:58,260
and your mustache,
braid it, bead it, set it.

230
00:10:58,334 --> 00:11:00,795
- You're always doing something.
- [laughter]

231
00:11:01,421 --> 00:11:05,300
Because if one thing is off,
then the night is ruined, Scott, okay?

232
00:11:06,217 --> 00:11:08,553
One time,
I left my house without mascara on.

233
00:11:08,636 --> 00:11:12,432
I did a U-turn on a four-lane highway.
Like, "No!"

234
00:11:12,515 --> 00:11:13,349
[laughter]

235
00:11:13,433 --> 00:11:16,144
"They will see the whites of my eyes!"

236
00:11:16,227 --> 00:11:18,605
[laughter]

237
00:11:19,731 --> 00:11:23,276
Everything has to be perfect.
And guys, it's exhausting.

238
00:11:23,359 --> 00:11:25,069
It's exhausting being a girl.

239
00:11:25,153 --> 00:11:27,947
Did you know, fun scientific fact
that I made up on the way here,

240
00:11:28,031 --> 00:11:31,993
that women get four minutes
out of every night,

241
00:11:32,076 --> 00:11:34,537
four minutes out of every night

242
00:11:34,621 --> 00:11:36,663
where our brain sends a message
to our body saying,

243
00:11:36,747 --> 00:11:38,832
"Everything's okay, stop messing with it"?

244
00:11:38,916 --> 00:11:41,168
Four minutes out of every night

245
00:11:41,251 --> 00:11:43,462
where your brain sends a message
to your body like,

246
00:11:43,545 --> 00:11:45,839
"Homeostasis achieved." You're like...

247
00:11:45,923 --> 00:11:48,800
[laughter]

248
00:11:48,884 --> 00:11:52,471
[cheering and applause]

249
00:11:55,349 --> 00:11:57,851
And the rest of the time,
it's just mayhem!

250
00:11:57,935 --> 00:12:02,481
Everything has to be perfect. So,
we walk into this bar, my first thought...

251
00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:05,734
"I gotta fix my lip liner. Now!"

252
00:12:05,817 --> 00:12:06,860
[laughter]

253
00:12:06,944 --> 00:12:09,279
I'm not even a big lip liner wearer,

254
00:12:09,363 --> 00:12:11,323
but in that moment, 'twas everything.

255
00:12:11,949 --> 00:12:14,451
In that moment,
I believed fixing my lip liner

256
00:12:14,535 --> 00:12:17,079
is what stood between me
and eternal happiness, okay?

257
00:12:17,162 --> 00:12:21,625
I had to take a liner, I had to find
my liner and line my chola lips, okay?

258
00:12:21,708 --> 00:12:23,335
- That's what I had to do.
- [applause]

259
00:12:23,418 --> 00:12:26,796
So glad that got a response.
In North Carolina, nothing. Okay.

260
00:12:26,879 --> 00:12:28,673
[laughter]

261
00:12:28,756 --> 00:12:33,261
[cheering and applause]

262
00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:37,848
Had to fix my lip liner,
had to be right then.

263
00:12:37,932 --> 00:12:39,976
To the gentlemen in the room,

264
00:12:40,059 --> 00:12:42,436
I don't expect you
to understand the urgency

265
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:44,397
with which I had to fix my lip liner.

266
00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:47,692
The only thing I could liken it to
in male culture is, like...

267
00:12:48,526 --> 00:12:50,736
when you feel
you have to adjust your balls.

268
00:12:50,820 --> 00:12:51,821
[laughter]

269
00:12:51,904 --> 00:12:53,739
Similar immediacy.

270
00:12:54,532 --> 00:12:56,617
As we've seen, unfortunately.

271
00:12:56,701 --> 00:12:58,327
[laughter]

272
00:12:58,411 --> 00:13:02,582
When you feel that's gotta happen,
it's gotta happen now! Go! Go! Go!

273
00:13:02,665 --> 00:13:06,377
In front of children, Christmas Eve,
family portrait, messing with my dick.

274
00:13:06,460 --> 00:13:07,628
[laughter and cheering]

275
00:13:07,712 --> 00:13:10,715
<i># Messing with my dick in public #</i>

276
00:13:10,798 --> 00:13:12,174
Wahoo!

277
00:13:13,384 --> 00:13:16,095
<i># It's a dick puzzle
and I'm solving it now #</i>

278
00:13:16,178 --> 00:13:18,555
<i># Maximum comfort at any cost #</i>

279
00:13:18,638 --> 00:13:20,682
<i># This is my right,
Nancy, get off my back #</i>

280
00:13:20,765 --> 00:13:22,642
- So...
- [laughter]

281
00:13:22,726 --> 00:13:25,854
So many guys right now have to adjust.
They're like, "I'm not gonna do it!"

282
00:13:25,937 --> 00:13:28,356
[laughter]

283
00:13:29,357 --> 00:13:31,151
[laughter]

284
00:13:31,234 --> 00:13:33,278
I believe that's what Elvis was doing.

285
00:13:33,361 --> 00:13:35,530
[laughter]

286
00:13:35,614 --> 00:13:36,990
Makes sense.

287
00:13:39,284 --> 00:13:42,704
Needed my liner. Now you understand
that I needed it, guys, okay?

288
00:13:42,787 --> 00:13:47,459
Needed the fucking liner. That means
I had to find the liner in my bag.

289
00:13:48,627 --> 00:13:52,672
- However, I had a big bag.
- [laughter]

290
00:13:52,756 --> 00:13:56,384
There's a very specific way
that women will search for something

291
00:13:56,468 --> 00:13:58,428
when we have a big bag.

292
00:13:58,511 --> 00:14:02,599
What do you do?
You take a designated search claw...

293
00:14:02,682 --> 00:14:04,559
[laughter]

294
00:14:04,643 --> 00:14:06,436
and you plunge it.

295
00:14:06,519 --> 00:14:09,355
[laughter]

296
00:14:10,731 --> 00:14:13,817
[cheering]

297
00:14:13,901 --> 00:14:16,403
[applause]

298
00:14:17,988 --> 00:14:21,075
Never breaking eye contact with your prey,
I mean your date.

299
00:14:21,158 --> 00:14:22,701
[laughter]

300
00:14:22,785 --> 00:14:25,704
Notice I haven't blinked, Chicago.
Dedication acting.

301
00:14:25,788 --> 00:14:29,333
[cheering]

302
00:14:29,416 --> 00:14:31,752
[applause]

303
00:14:31,835 --> 00:14:34,171
The constant eye contact
being a reminder that,

304
00:14:34,254 --> 00:14:38,384
yes, I can multitask and keep talking.
I'll make a great partner. Marry me.

305
00:14:38,467 --> 00:14:40,970
[laughter]

306
00:14:41,053 --> 00:14:42,721
Meanwhile, to the outside world,

307
00:14:42,805 --> 00:14:45,432
it looks like you're wrestling
with a very small bass.

308
00:14:46,183 --> 00:14:48,394
If you're a pro,
you keep conversation moving.

309
00:14:48,477 --> 00:14:49,478
Still haven't blinked.

310
00:14:49,561 --> 00:14:51,814
If you're a pro,
you keep conversation moving.

311
00:14:51,897 --> 00:14:54,692
"I'm listening. Keep talking.
Keep talking. I can look and listen.

312
00:14:54,775 --> 00:14:57,236
Say FanDuel one more time, motherfucker.
I'm listening."

313
00:14:57,319 --> 00:15:00,780
[laughter and applause]

314
00:15:02,949 --> 00:15:05,660
You're digging around in there.
Meanwhile, as a woman,

315
00:15:05,743 --> 00:15:08,830
you're having to come to terms
with the seventh layer of hell

316
00:15:08,913 --> 00:15:11,040
that is the bottom of your bag.

317
00:15:11,124 --> 00:15:15,753
It's just a graveyard of dismembered pens,
there's coins.

318
00:15:15,837 --> 00:15:21,509
Why is there always a Nature's Valley
granola bar crumbled... at the bottom?

319
00:15:21,592 --> 00:15:24,595
[cheering and applause]

320
00:15:24,679 --> 00:15:28,808
You stick your hand down, you come up
with oats between your fingernails.

321
00:15:28,891 --> 00:15:30,518
You're like, "Ow! Ow!"

322
00:15:31,310 --> 00:15:32,687
[laughter]

323
00:15:32,770 --> 00:15:35,273
Digging around.
A gym lock, a phone charger,

324
00:15:35,356 --> 00:15:36,524
a concealer without its lid.

325
00:15:36,607 --> 00:15:38,317
Why? Why can't we make them

326
00:15:38,401 --> 00:15:40,111
with retractable lids
that don't break off?

327
00:15:40,194 --> 00:15:42,071
Because you stick your hand down there,

328
00:15:42,155 --> 00:15:45,533
unknowingly you come up
with one creamy finger. You're like, "No!"

329
00:15:45,616 --> 00:15:48,036
- [laughter]
- "No!"

330
00:15:48,119 --> 00:15:50,579
But it was expensive,
so you're like, "No!"

331
00:15:50,662 --> 00:15:52,664
[laughter]

332
00:15:52,748 --> 00:15:55,375
[cheering]

333
00:15:55,459 --> 00:15:58,045
So now you look amazing.
Keep looking, keep looking.

334
00:15:58,128 --> 00:16:01,173
Bits of paper. A sock. Keep looking.
Tampon out of its wrapper.

335
00:16:01,256 --> 00:16:03,717
Maybe I keep it.
No, I'll get sick. Digging around.

336
00:16:04,134 --> 00:16:06,053
If it's out of the wrapper, don't keep it.

337
00:16:06,136 --> 00:16:08,930
Sometimes it's like, "I'll just..."
Don't blow on it and...

338
00:16:09,014 --> 00:16:12,267
You're gonna get dysentery,
you'll never finish the Oregon Trail.

339
00:16:12,350 --> 00:16:14,770
[laughter and cheering]

340
00:16:19,900 --> 00:16:23,779
Seven or eight seconds go by,
I cannot find my lip liner.

341
00:16:23,862 --> 00:16:27,324
Seven or eight seconds go by,
which in girl years is, like, forever,

342
00:16:27,407 --> 00:16:29,117
I cannot find my lip liner.

343
00:16:29,201 --> 00:16:31,828
So, what's a logical thing to do?

344
00:16:31,912 --> 00:16:33,288
Maybe use the other hand

345
00:16:33,371 --> 00:16:35,874
to add to the search, right?
To aid in the excavation.

346
00:16:35,957 --> 00:16:39,586
Maybe get a cellular device
to illuminate the situation.

347
00:16:39,669 --> 00:16:43,089
Not me!
I dropped to my knees on a dance floor,

348
00:16:43,172 --> 00:16:45,716
dumped out the bag
and start sifting through it

349
00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:48,844
like Helen Keller
learning how to spell water.

350
00:16:48,928 --> 00:16:52,431
[laughter and applause]

351
00:16:56,143 --> 00:16:59,063
Fun fact. Girls,
if you wanna let people around you know

352
00:16:59,146 --> 00:17:02,983
that you're absolutely not
on the same mental playing field as them,

353
00:17:03,067 --> 00:17:06,570
a great way to do it, I found,
is to dump our personal property

354
00:17:06,654 --> 00:17:11,158
onto a shared communal space, because that
immediately lets other bar-goers know,

355
00:17:11,242 --> 00:17:12,493
"I don't give a fuck!"

356
00:17:12,576 --> 00:17:14,078
[laughter]

357
00:17:14,161 --> 00:17:15,830
"Where is it?"

358
00:17:16,664 --> 00:17:19,542
This body language, this body language,

359
00:17:19,625 --> 00:17:23,170
- this feral-raccoon-like body language...
- [laughter]

360
00:17:23,254 --> 00:17:25,881
was enough to alert the door guy.

361
00:17:25,965 --> 00:17:27,007
[laughter]

362
00:17:27,091 --> 00:17:30,427
You're a door guy at a busy nightclub,
you've got a lot to deal with.

363
00:17:30,511 --> 00:17:35,557
However, he found
my witch over a cauldron behavior...

364
00:17:36,432 --> 00:17:39,936
threatening enough to leave his post,
flashlight in hand,

365
00:17:40,019 --> 00:17:42,147
and walk up to me.

366
00:17:42,230 --> 00:17:46,651
He was a big guy. He was, like, six-eight,
black guy, good-looking.

367
00:17:46,734 --> 00:17:48,361
[laughter]

368
00:17:48,444 --> 00:17:51,114
- I had to say he was good-looking.
- [laughter]

369
00:17:51,197 --> 00:17:53,032
Because I said he was black.

370
00:17:53,116 --> 00:17:56,578
[laughter]

371
00:17:57,787 --> 00:18:01,583
Seems to be the face of thinly-veiled
political correctness in our country,

372
00:18:01,666 --> 00:18:03,960
if you say someone's color,
other than white,

373
00:18:04,043 --> 00:18:06,754
you must assign them an accolade,
deserved or otherwise,

374
00:18:06,838 --> 00:18:09,215
to prove that you're not racist,
when in the first place,

375
00:18:09,299 --> 00:18:10,508
I wasn't fucking racist,

376
00:18:10,592 --> 00:18:14,053
I was giving you an accurate depiction
of the events that transpired.

377
00:18:14,137 --> 00:18:17,140
I didn't see his face!
Dude had a flashlight in my eye!

378
00:18:17,223 --> 00:18:19,392
[laughter]

379
00:18:19,475 --> 00:18:23,270
[cheering and applause]

380
00:18:24,605 --> 00:18:28,525
I can tell you this much. Black, white
or other, there's no way he was hot.

381
00:18:28,609 --> 00:18:32,029
He's six-eight. They get weird-looking
after a certain height, okay?

382
00:18:32,112 --> 00:18:34,323
Structurally, it gets weird. Okay.

383
00:18:34,406 --> 00:18:37,326
I am not wrong. #IAmNotWrong
Okay, so...

384
00:18:37,409 --> 00:18:39,453
[laughter]

385
00:18:39,536 --> 00:18:40,829
It's true.

386
00:18:41,705 --> 00:18:43,165
There's no hot giants.

387
00:18:43,248 --> 00:18:44,958
[laughter]

388
00:18:45,042 --> 00:18:47,002
So he Shreks up to me...

389
00:18:47,085 --> 00:18:50,255
[laughter]

390
00:18:50,339 --> 00:18:53,592
And I feel his presence and I see
the ball of light and I hear his voice

391
00:18:53,675 --> 00:18:56,303
and he goes,
"Everything a'ight over here?"

392
00:18:56,386 --> 00:19:00,724
Fucking no, dude, everything is most
definitely not a'ight. I'm on the floor.

393
00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:01,934
[laughter]

394
00:19:02,017 --> 00:19:04,770
I don't exist on this plane.

395
00:19:05,562 --> 00:19:07,814
Fun fact about being on the floor.

396
00:19:07,898 --> 00:19:11,944
As an adult, when you choose to take it
to this place, you lose all credibility.

397
00:19:12,485 --> 00:19:15,363
Nobody wants to hear the prerogative
of someone on the floor.

398
00:19:15,446 --> 00:19:20,243
If you have to crane your neck up
to explain yourself, you are fucked, okay?

399
00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:22,036
You don't believe me?

400
00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:25,248
You ever tried to get the life story
of someone sitting on a curb? No.

401
00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:27,012
Because they were sitting
on a fucking curb

402
00:19:27,083 --> 00:19:28,918
and you didn't wanna talk to them.

403
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:31,254
They were someone who's drunk,
on a lot of meth

404
00:19:31,337 --> 00:19:35,258
or like a really pissed off bridesmaid
just waiting for the service to be over.

405
00:19:35,341 --> 00:19:37,051
[laughter]

406
00:19:37,134 --> 00:19:40,596
But now I'm on the floor and I'm nervous
because that's an authority figure

407
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:43,557
and in my head I'm like,
"Oh, fuck, I'm gonna go a bar jail."

408
00:19:43,641 --> 00:19:45,268
[laughter]

409
00:19:45,351 --> 00:19:47,436
"What if they repossess my wedges?"

410
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:49,188
[laughter]

411
00:19:49,272 --> 00:19:51,023
But I was drunk and in my head I'm like,

412
00:19:51,107 --> 00:19:53,401
"It's cool. Be smart.
Explain what you're doing.

413
00:19:53,484 --> 00:19:55,569
Whatever you do, Iliza,
just sound intelligent."

414
00:19:55,653 --> 00:19:57,822
Instead, what came out of my mouth was,

415
00:19:57,905 --> 00:20:00,366
"I gotta find my lip liner, man!" And...

416
00:20:00,449 --> 00:20:01,575
[laughter]

417
00:20:01,659 --> 00:20:05,912
what I feel he understood,
nay respected, nay...

418
00:20:06,413 --> 00:20:07,622
Neigh.

419
00:20:07,706 --> 00:20:10,375
[laughter]

420
00:20:10,458 --> 00:20:14,546
[cheering and applause]

421
00:20:17,007 --> 00:20:18,633
resonated with

422
00:20:18,717 --> 00:20:20,760
wasn't that I had to find my lip liner.

423
00:20:20,844 --> 00:20:25,932
What I feel he understood was
the sheer amount of white-girl crazy...

424
00:20:26,016 --> 00:20:27,058
[laughter]

425
00:20:27,142 --> 00:20:29,102
coming out from behind my eye.

426
00:20:29,185 --> 00:20:33,481
Because he then gave me
the international verbal sign for,

427
00:20:33,565 --> 00:20:37,986
"I respect you and fear you,
I'm going to back off," which is...

428
00:20:38,903 --> 00:20:41,614
"A'ight, then." And he just walked away.

429
00:20:41,698 --> 00:20:44,909
[laughter and applause]

430
00:20:44,993 --> 00:20:47,871
[cheering]

431
00:20:49,706 --> 00:20:52,542
I never found my lip liner.
It was, like, in my other bag.

432
00:20:52,625 --> 00:20:54,710
[laughter]

433
00:20:54,793 --> 00:20:56,837
I didn't like that experience.

434
00:20:56,920 --> 00:20:58,714
I didn't like being on the floor.

435
00:20:58,797 --> 00:21:01,633
And I didn't like being on the floor
for a very specific reason.

436
00:21:01,717 --> 00:21:04,053
As a woman, I didn't need a reminder

437
00:21:04,136 --> 00:21:08,390
of how vulnerable women are
on a day-to-day basis.

438
00:21:08,474 --> 00:21:10,851
Being on the floor,
it's a very vulnerable place.

439
00:21:10,934 --> 00:21:12,102
I didn't need that reminder.

440
00:21:12,186 --> 00:21:14,646
And women in our society are vulnerable

441
00:21:14,730 --> 00:21:19,318
by virtue of the fact that we are
physically not as strong as men.

442
00:21:19,401 --> 00:21:22,363
That's the root of the issue,
that's the root of the oppression.

443
00:21:22,446 --> 00:21:25,866
And that's the root of oppression
of any side of war throughout history.

444
00:21:25,949 --> 00:21:28,494
One side was stronger,
they get to make the rules.

445
00:21:28,577 --> 00:21:32,039
Do you think for a second that
if women were physically stronger than men

446
00:21:32,122 --> 00:21:35,167
we would've waited for the right to vote?

447
00:21:35,250 --> 00:21:39,004
[cheering]

448
00:21:39,088 --> 00:21:41,673
[applause]

449
00:21:41,757 --> 00:21:46,803
It's 1910, some jacked-up housewife
is just putting up weight in her garage.

450
00:21:47,512 --> 00:21:50,348
She's got a shaker
of horse testosterone and creatine.

451
00:21:51,140 --> 00:21:54,644
Her little husband comes in,
he's like, "You're not voting."

452
00:21:54,727 --> 00:21:56,437
She'd be like...

453
00:21:56,521 --> 00:21:58,731
"Out of the way, Jedediah."

454
00:21:58,815 --> 00:22:01,359
[laughter]

455
00:22:01,442 --> 00:22:05,196
[cheering]

456
00:22:10,993 --> 00:22:13,579
"Mama's going to the polls."

457
00:22:13,663 --> 00:22:15,665
[laughter]

458
00:22:15,748 --> 00:22:18,292
It's physical strength,
that's the root of the issue.

459
00:22:18,376 --> 00:22:20,920
Physical strength.
And they try to placate women.

460
00:22:21,003 --> 00:22:23,089
They try to tell us
we're other types of strong.

461
00:22:23,172 --> 00:22:25,716
Sure. But none that matter
as much as physical strength.

462
00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:28,553
"Well, you're a woman,
so... mentally strong."

463
00:22:28,636 --> 00:22:30,138
[laughter]

464
00:22:30,221 --> 00:22:33,141
Mentally strong.
You put up with him all day, huh?"

465
00:22:33,224 --> 00:22:34,433
Pfft!

466
00:22:34,517 --> 00:22:37,352
[laughter]

467
00:22:37,435 --> 00:22:40,397
Mentally strong.
Mentally strong? What do I do with that?

468
00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:44,234
Mentally strong. What do I do
when a rapist runs at me? Math?

469
00:22:44,317 --> 00:22:47,195
[laughter]

470
00:22:49,906 --> 00:22:51,950
It's physical strength.

471
00:22:52,033 --> 00:22:55,328
Physical strength is what counts
when it comes to protecting yourself

472
00:22:55,412 --> 00:22:59,708
and women are only naturally
physically super-human strong

473
00:22:59,791 --> 00:23:01,042
when it comes to two things.

474
00:23:01,126 --> 00:23:03,879
The first is a recent one,
and that's CrossFit, which...

475
00:23:03,962 --> 00:23:07,132
It's enough, by the way.
It's a cult. Okay?

476
00:23:07,215 --> 00:23:08,425
[cheering]

477
00:23:08,508 --> 00:23:10,719
It's insane. It goes...

478
00:23:11,469 --> 00:23:15,056
Scientology, CrossFit, people without
celiac disease that don't eat gluten.

479
00:23:15,140 --> 00:23:17,809
It's a cult, okay? It's enough.

480
00:23:18,643 --> 00:23:20,979
"I can deadlift 600 pounds." Cool.

481
00:23:21,062 --> 00:23:23,064
What Starbucks do you work at?
What are you...

482
00:23:23,148 --> 00:23:24,900
Guard a village. Join up.

483
00:23:24,983 --> 00:23:28,152
What are you doing with that muscle,
all the horse meat?

484
00:23:29,236 --> 00:23:32,990
The workouts that they're doing,
it's all snake oil, I believe, okay?

485
00:23:33,073 --> 00:23:37,286
Push-ups, sit-ups, pull-ups,
the foundations of a military workout,

486
00:23:37,369 --> 00:23:39,496
these are applicable
in the rest of your life.

487
00:23:39,580 --> 00:23:44,627
Instead, they've got a father of six
at 7 a.m. flipping a monster truck tire?

488
00:23:44,710 --> 00:23:47,421
Why? When do you need that?

489
00:23:47,505 --> 00:23:49,256
When do you need
to know the form for that?

490
00:23:49,340 --> 00:23:52,635
What post-apocalyptic
gorilla playground...

491
00:23:52,718 --> 00:23:53,928
[laughter]

492
00:23:54,011 --> 00:23:55,513
are you gonna find yourself in?

493
00:23:55,596 --> 00:23:59,350
Why don't we give you an empty suitcase
to throw around your cage, Peaches?

494
00:23:59,433 --> 00:24:02,561
[laughter and applause]

495
00:24:02,645 --> 00:24:07,274
And the rope thing. There are other ways
to build up your pectoral muscles.

496
00:24:07,358 --> 00:24:09,735
Men have been doing it for centuries.

497
00:24:09,818 --> 00:24:12,863
Instead they've got you using a rope.
When are you gonna use that?

498
00:24:12,988 --> 00:24:16,908
"Timmy's stuck down by the dock
under some boat rope!" "I got it!"

499
00:24:16,991 --> 00:24:18,826
[laughter]

500
00:24:18,910 --> 00:24:21,496
[cheering and applause]

501
00:24:24,791 --> 00:24:30,255
And the only time that women are
naturally, exceptionally physically strong

502
00:24:30,338 --> 00:24:33,508
is when it comes to childbirth.
And that's amazing.

503
00:24:33,591 --> 00:24:35,009
- [cheering]
- Yes.

504
00:24:35,885 --> 00:24:39,138
It'd be amazing if those were all men
with, like, really high-pitched voices.

505
00:24:39,222 --> 00:24:41,849
[laughter]

506
00:24:42,558 --> 00:24:45,103
It's an amazing amount
of super-human strength

507
00:24:45,186 --> 00:24:49,357
that unfairly women only get to tap into
when they're having a baby.

508
00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:53,528
You only get to tap into that super-human
strength once, maybe twice a year,

509
00:24:53,611 --> 00:24:57,240
but that second baby's gonna be very tiny.
You only get to use it then.

510
00:24:57,323 --> 00:24:59,367
That's a disproportionate
amount of strength.

511
00:24:59,450 --> 00:25:01,369
Mother Nature is playing
a cruel joke on us.

512
00:25:01,452 --> 00:25:05,164
Do you know how many pounds of pressure
per square snootch inch it takes

513
00:25:05,248 --> 00:25:07,457
to deliver a baby?

514
00:25:07,541 --> 00:25:09,042
[laughter]

515
00:25:09,126 --> 00:25:11,044
We're not even using our hands!

516
00:25:11,128 --> 00:25:14,047
You're like python-like digesting a goat.

517
00:25:14,131 --> 00:25:15,215
[laughter]

518
00:25:15,299 --> 00:25:16,550
"Get out of there!"

519
00:25:16,633 --> 00:25:21,013
Using fucking grit and rage and, like,
a mother's love, but just, "Aghh!"

520
00:25:21,096 --> 00:25:22,472
[laughter]

521
00:25:22,556 --> 00:25:25,100
Sparta! Just fucking going.

522
00:25:25,183 --> 00:25:26,393
[laughter]

523
00:25:26,476 --> 00:25:28,270
You can do that with your body,

524
00:25:28,353 --> 00:25:32,024
yet the rest of the year, we have trouble
not doing push-ups on our knees.

525
00:25:32,107 --> 00:25:33,775
That doesn't seem fair.

526
00:25:33,859 --> 00:25:35,652
[laughter]

527
00:25:36,903 --> 00:25:39,364
We're only exceptionally strong
when it comes to children.

528
00:25:39,448 --> 00:25:41,575
We have something called
mama bear strength.

529
00:25:41,658 --> 00:25:44,745
So that means when your child
is in danger, your child,

530
00:25:44,828 --> 00:25:47,331
someone else's child, "Sorry, junior."
Your child...

531
00:25:47,414 --> 00:25:48,707
[laughter]

532
00:25:48,790 --> 00:25:51,543
"Lift the piano off your legs yourself,
okay, I'm not your mama."

533
00:25:51,626 --> 00:25:55,881
When your child is in danger,
in that moment, through adrenaline,

534
00:25:55,964 --> 00:25:58,424
you can develop super-human strength
and save the baby.

535
00:25:58,507 --> 00:26:01,135
So if your child is trapped under a car,

536
00:26:01,218 --> 00:26:04,680
you can go ahead and flip that Buick
like an orangutan, no problem.

537
00:26:04,764 --> 00:26:05,765
[laughter]

538
00:26:05,848 --> 00:26:09,143
Yet if you're a single girl
walking alone on a Saturday night

539
00:26:09,226 --> 00:26:11,937
and some maniac runs at you,
what's your defense?

540
00:26:12,021 --> 00:26:13,981
Like, "No, two plus two is four."

541
00:26:14,065 --> 00:26:16,525
[laughter]

542
00:26:19,195 --> 00:26:22,198
We're millennials,
we'd probably use our phone calculators.

543
00:26:22,281 --> 00:26:23,908
[laughter]

544
00:26:23,991 --> 00:26:27,036
That's why sexual harassment
is such a big deal.

545
00:26:27,119 --> 00:26:30,414
It really has less to do
with the disgusting thing

546
00:26:30,498 --> 00:26:32,625
a man feels he has the right
to yell at you

547
00:26:32,708 --> 00:26:35,836
out of van or a truck.
Never out of a Civic for some reason.

548
00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:37,088
[cheering]

549
00:26:37,171 --> 00:26:40,925
But for the girls that might not know,
you can wear whatever you want.

550
00:26:41,008 --> 00:26:43,928
It doesn't give someone the right
to treat you like an animal.

551
00:26:44,011 --> 00:26:48,516
[cheering and applause]

552
00:26:48,599 --> 00:26:51,267
You can wear whatever you want.
You can leave the house out naked.

553
00:26:51,351 --> 00:26:54,062
You will go to jail,
but you can do whatever you want.

554
00:26:54,687 --> 00:26:57,107
But it has less to do with
what a man is yelling at you,

555
00:26:57,190 --> 00:26:59,067
and nobody wants to say this, but I will,

556
00:26:59,150 --> 00:27:01,861
what it has to do with
is the underlying notion

557
00:27:01,945 --> 00:27:04,739
that if that man wanted to act on it,
he could.

558
00:27:04,823 --> 00:27:07,450
And if you don't believe me,
every girl knows what it's like,

559
00:27:07,534 --> 00:27:11,329
a guy yells something disgusting at you,
and because you're strong, you yell back.

560
00:27:11,413 --> 00:27:13,456
He's like, "Nice tits."
You're like, "Fuck off!"

561
00:27:13,540 --> 00:27:17,335
Immediately followed by, "What if he
kills me?" Like, there's that moment.

562
00:27:17,419 --> 00:27:18,586
[laughter]

563
00:27:18,670 --> 00:27:21,297
Hoping to God
that your bark was big enough

564
00:27:21,381 --> 00:27:23,508
that you don't have to take a lady bite.

565
00:27:24,300 --> 00:27:27,011
Being sexually harassed is the worst.

566
00:27:27,095 --> 00:27:29,139
I'm sorry, let me rephrase that.

567
00:27:30,306 --> 00:27:33,893
Being sexually harassed by an ugly guy
is the worst.

568
00:27:33,977 --> 00:27:35,937
[laughter]

569
00:27:36,020 --> 00:27:38,982
[cheering and applause]

570
00:27:40,482 --> 00:27:42,734
If he's hot, it's just plain old flirting.

571
00:27:42,818 --> 00:27:44,403
[laughter]

572
00:27:44,778 --> 00:27:48,031
No one's ever been like, "Get away
from me, you model!" That's fine.

573
00:27:48,115 --> 00:27:49,450
[laughter]

574
00:27:49,533 --> 00:27:53,954
It has to do also with
an unrequited, uninvited sexual energy.

575
00:27:54,037 --> 00:27:55,664
And women are very aware of that.

576
00:27:55,747 --> 00:27:59,168
Every woman in here knows what it
feels like to have a guy's eyes on you

577
00:27:59,251 --> 00:28:01,712
when you find him attractive.
It's the best feeling.

578
00:28:01,795 --> 00:28:04,089
When you see hot guys and you walk by,
you're like,

579
00:28:04,173 --> 00:28:08,260
"Hope they're looking at my butt.
I feel so good about my little haunches."

580
00:28:08,343 --> 00:28:11,013
When the dudes are gross
and you walk by, you're like,

581
00:28:11,096 --> 00:28:14,266
"Please don't look at my butt,
please don't look at my butt."

582
00:28:15,434 --> 00:28:18,854
Having someone sexually harass you,
it's their energy on you.

583
00:28:18,937 --> 00:28:20,272
It feels like you're getting shot

584
00:28:20,355 --> 00:28:22,900
with a dick gun.
That's what it feels like.

585
00:28:22,983 --> 00:28:23,817
[laughter]

586
00:28:23,901 --> 00:28:25,319
Minding your own business, like,

587
00:28:25,402 --> 00:28:27,988
"I love being an independent woman."
"Nice tits!"

588
00:28:28,071 --> 00:28:29,281
"Agh!"

589
00:28:29,364 --> 00:28:33,159
[laughter]

590
00:28:33,242 --> 00:28:36,454
[cheering and applause]

591
00:28:42,335 --> 00:28:44,545
Aw, he got a boner for free.

592
00:28:44,629 --> 00:28:46,881
[laughter]

593
00:28:46,964 --> 00:28:50,092
Women have to think about these things.
It's hard being a girl.

594
00:28:50,176 --> 00:28:53,095
I haven't been a guy in, like, a while,
but it is difficult.

595
00:28:53,179 --> 00:28:54,305
[laughter]

596
00:28:54,388 --> 00:28:56,641
And we're constantly questioning ourselves

597
00:28:57,141 --> 00:29:00,728
and we're constantly being told that what
we feel is wrong and how we look is wrong.

598
00:29:00,812 --> 00:29:03,648
And we tell it to little girls
and it sticks with us.

599
00:29:03,731 --> 00:29:05,566
Take a man and a woman shopping.

600
00:29:05,650 --> 00:29:08,319
Nothing will fit
because fashion is the enemy, for sure.

601
00:29:08,402 --> 00:29:11,072
But nothing will fit the woman
for negative reasons

602
00:29:11,155 --> 00:29:13,991
and nothing will fit the guy
for positive reasons.

603
00:29:14,408 --> 00:29:16,077
Take a woman shopping,
"Nothing fits,

604
00:29:16,160 --> 00:29:19,038
my arms are fat, my thighs are big,
I'm fucking gross, I hate my body."

605
00:29:19,121 --> 00:29:22,082
Take a guy shopping,
an average man of average build,

606
00:29:22,165 --> 00:29:24,501
five-ten, 170,

607
00:29:24,584 --> 00:29:28,713
"Nah, I can't buy off the rack because
my shoulders are so abnormally broad.

608
00:29:29,422 --> 00:29:33,426
I'm tall. For my height, my waist tapers
at such an Adonis-like angle."

609
00:29:33,510 --> 00:29:34,678
[laughter]

610
00:29:34,761 --> 00:29:37,514
My dick is so girthy,
I can only wear JNCOs."

611
00:29:37,597 --> 00:29:38,598
[laughter]

612
00:29:38,682 --> 00:29:40,308
"It's hard for me."

613
00:29:40,392 --> 00:29:42,018
[applause]

614
00:29:42,102 --> 00:29:44,145
These are good things.

615
00:29:44,980 --> 00:29:47,524
Women are told to change.
It's okay if men are the same.

616
00:29:47,607 --> 00:29:48,900
That's why we have stereotypes.

617
00:29:48,984 --> 00:29:51,319
That's why you've got
the stereotype of your Grandpa,

618
00:29:51,403 --> 00:29:54,406
"I sit in my chair, I drink my beer,
I've got the remote,

619
00:29:54,489 --> 00:29:56,992
I fought in Korea,
don't fucking talk to me," right?

620
00:29:57,075 --> 00:29:58,702
"I'm not moving, you move!"

621
00:29:58,785 --> 00:30:01,413
Women aren't like that, right?
What do women do?

622
00:30:01,496 --> 00:30:03,582
- "I'm taking a class."
- [laughter]

623
00:30:03,665 --> 00:30:06,042
- Love classes.
- [laughter]

624
00:30:06,126 --> 00:30:08,879
- "I'm learning more about Cheryl."
- [laughter]

625
00:30:09,421 --> 00:30:12,339
- "I'm meeting Cindy for the first time."
- [laughter]

626
00:30:12,423 --> 00:30:15,968
There's two women in this monologue.
I'm two different women, it's fine.

627
00:30:16,051 --> 00:30:18,429
"I'm learning to breathe.
I'm getting a sense of myself.

628
00:30:18,512 --> 00:30:19,763
I'm canning.

629
00:30:19,847 --> 00:30:21,682
I'm canning my own beets."

630
00:30:21,765 --> 00:30:23,100
[laughter]

631
00:30:23,183 --> 00:30:24,984
For no reason.
I live in the middle of a city.

632
00:30:25,060 --> 00:30:27,021
I just thought I wanted to connect.

633
00:30:27,104 --> 00:30:30,399
I'm canning my own shit now.
I take it, put it in there,

634
00:30:30,482 --> 00:30:33,819
I let it solidify, I make jewelry,
I sell it on Etsy.

635
00:30:33,903 --> 00:30:35,029
It's nice pocket money."

636
00:30:35,112 --> 00:30:37,823
[laughter]

637
00:30:37,907 --> 00:30:41,035
"I'm learning about myself.
I'm learning to breathe.

638
00:30:41,660 --> 00:30:44,079
- I'm cutting my own hair."
- [laughter]

639
00:30:44,163 --> 00:30:47,124
"I'm learning to make my own tea,
putting the hair in the tea,

640
00:30:47,207 --> 00:30:48,125
I drink my hair."

641
00:30:48,208 --> 00:30:49,835
[laughter]

642
00:30:49,919 --> 00:30:50,753
Changing.

643
00:30:50,836 --> 00:30:52,838
We always wanna change
a little bit, right?

644
00:30:52,922 --> 00:30:56,592
Always wanna lose a little bit of weight.
No matter what your body looks like.

645
00:30:56,675 --> 00:30:59,470
- "I just wanna lose, like, five pounds."
- [laughter]

646
00:30:59,553 --> 00:31:02,114
We think that's the answer.
"Just wanna lose, like, five pounds."

647
00:31:02,889 --> 00:31:04,599
[gabbles]

648
00:31:04,682 --> 00:31:05,850
[laughter]

649
00:31:05,934 --> 00:31:08,561
"Just wanna lose, like,
five pounds before lunch."

650
00:31:08,645 --> 00:31:11,147
[laughter]

651
00:31:11,230 --> 00:31:13,149
"So I can have more lunch."

652
00:31:13,232 --> 00:31:16,611
[laughter and cheering]

653
00:31:16,694 --> 00:31:18,947
[applause]

654
00:31:21,199 --> 00:31:23,701
Because we think being skinny
is the answer, right?

655
00:31:23,785 --> 00:31:27,372
It's not even enough to be skinny, is it?
It's not even enough to be thin, is it?

656
00:31:27,455 --> 00:31:30,416
You have to be the thinnest
out of your friends,

657
00:31:30,500 --> 00:31:32,961
- who you hate.
- [laughter]

658
00:31:33,044 --> 00:31:36,714
You don't believe me? Look at any
Instagram picture of more than four women.

659
00:31:36,798 --> 00:31:38,716
It's a fucking pose-off.

660
00:31:38,800 --> 00:31:39,842
[laughter]

661
00:31:39,926 --> 00:31:43,888
Dudes don't care. They'll turn
around like gorillas mid-meal. [grunts]

662
00:31:44,514 --> 00:31:46,724
"Take the picture, I don't care.
Fucking..."

663
00:31:46,808 --> 00:31:49,727
[laughter]

664
00:31:49,811 --> 00:31:54,147
Girls, it's like a Mr. Universe, like,
"Fucking line up! Line up!

665
00:31:54,231 --> 00:31:56,984
Make it pointy! Concave!
Make it fucking pointy!

666
00:31:57,067 --> 00:31:58,068
Kisses.

667
00:31:58,151 --> 00:32:00,112
Neck vein.
Look at the motherfucking neck vein.

668
00:32:00,195 --> 00:32:01,029
Hamstring.

669
00:32:01,113 --> 00:32:02,948
Happy birthday, Stacey."

670
00:32:03,031 --> 00:32:05,951
[laughter]

671
00:32:06,034 --> 00:32:09,621
[cheering and applause]

672
00:32:13,166 --> 00:32:15,419
It's not enough to just be thin, right?

673
00:32:16,169 --> 00:32:19,506
You wanna be the kind of thin
where your friends...

674
00:32:21,174 --> 00:32:22,759
are worried for you.

675
00:32:22,843 --> 00:32:25,053
[laughter]

676
00:32:26,555 --> 00:32:28,765
[laughter]

677
00:32:32,894 --> 00:32:35,063
[laughter]

678
00:32:36,481 --> 00:32:39,401
[laughter and applause]

679
00:32:40,485 --> 00:32:43,196
So thin. Horrible looking.

680
00:32:43,280 --> 00:32:48,200
Stalking around Gap Kids.
"I wear a youth large, thank you." Right?

681
00:32:48,284 --> 00:32:51,412
- Fucking femur for days.
- [laughter]

682
00:32:51,495 --> 00:32:55,041
Right? Mr. Peanut Legs
coming out six seconds ahead of you.

683
00:32:55,916 --> 00:32:58,502
Like an R. Crumb comic book thinner,
right?

684
00:32:58,586 --> 00:33:01,922
Just walking around,
baby stegosaurus spine.

685
00:33:02,757 --> 00:33:05,342
Clothes hanging like moss
off a willow tree.

686
00:33:05,426 --> 00:33:08,262
A fucking clavicle
you can serve soup out of.

687
00:33:08,846 --> 00:33:10,473
Yeah!

688
00:33:11,474 --> 00:33:13,017
So happy!

689
00:33:13,100 --> 00:33:15,811
[laughter]

690
00:33:15,895 --> 00:33:17,813
I like my body, but I always...

691
00:33:17,897 --> 00:33:21,358
Everybody wants to change something,
right? I just wanted have shoulders

692
00:33:21,442 --> 00:33:25,404
that were so frail and tiny,
little bird shoulders.

693
00:33:25,488 --> 00:33:27,740
Do they even have shoulders?
No, it's just...

694
00:33:28,491 --> 00:33:31,452
That's what I want, I want no shoulders.
I want the kind of shoulders

695
00:33:31,535 --> 00:33:33,746
where my bra strap just falls down.

696
00:33:34,288 --> 00:33:36,539
- [mumbles weakly]
- [laughter]

697
00:33:36,623 --> 00:33:38,625
Just floppy hair. "Ohh. Whoops."

698
00:33:38,708 --> 00:33:40,627
[laughter]

699
00:33:40,710 --> 00:33:41,920
[mumbles weakly]

700
00:33:42,253 --> 00:33:44,881
Men love it. They love it. They go crazy.
One strap...

701
00:33:44,964 --> 00:33:47,133
Because it's one less thing
they gotta do, right?

702
00:33:47,217 --> 00:33:50,011
- [grunts]
- [laughter]

703
00:33:50,095 --> 00:33:52,305
It's not my fault
I think that's attractive.

704
00:33:52,388 --> 00:33:56,142
You see it on lingerie ads in magazines.
The women are on the bed, bra strap.

705
00:33:56,226 --> 00:33:59,395
Men love vulnerability
and that's what that represents.

706
00:33:59,479 --> 00:34:02,482
"Not me, I like a strong woman."
Bullshit. Vulnerability.

707
00:34:02,565 --> 00:34:06,111
"Help me. Open this jar. Please help me."
They love it.

708
00:34:06,194 --> 00:34:08,655
[laughter and applause]

709
00:34:10,115 --> 00:34:12,117
What does the bra strap down represent?

710
00:34:12,200 --> 00:34:16,204
You're not supported. When your tits are
flopping around, you can't run away. Yeah!

711
00:34:16,287 --> 00:34:18,540
[laughter]

712
00:34:20,333 --> 00:34:21,835
I want that.

713
00:34:21,918 --> 00:34:25,088
I want that bone structure, right?
I wanna have those shoulders.

714
00:34:25,171 --> 00:34:29,091
I wanna look like the girl on the cover
of the playbill for <i>Les Mis. </i>Just...

715
00:34:29,174 --> 00:34:31,885
[laughter]

716
00:34:31,969 --> 00:34:33,846
"Oh, <i>monsieur!"</i>

717
00:34:33,929 --> 00:34:35,472
[laughter]

718
00:34:35,556 --> 00:34:38,517
It's a ten-year-old French girl.
Still, I want those bones.

719
00:34:38,600 --> 00:34:39,601
[laughter]

720
00:34:39,685 --> 00:34:44,273
They do, men love vulnerability, right?
That's why the thin thing is the thing.

721
00:34:44,356 --> 00:34:46,233
That's why women are expected to be...

722
00:34:46,316 --> 00:34:50,362
You can't have a baby if you're this big.
That's why we have to be... garden party.

723
00:34:50,445 --> 00:34:52,281
Like that kind of thin.

724
00:34:52,364 --> 00:34:54,908
Because if women are thin,
there's no nutrition,

725
00:34:54,992 --> 00:34:58,829
so you're cold, you don't leave the house,
you don't vote. Yeah!

726
00:34:58,912 --> 00:35:01,456
[laughter]

727
00:35:01,540 --> 00:35:05,961
[cheering and applause]

728
00:35:06,044 --> 00:35:08,547
That's why every model
has that vulnerable look.

729
00:35:08,630 --> 00:35:13,010
That's why models look like you uncovered
a refugee from under a manhole cover.

730
00:35:13,093 --> 00:35:15,637
"Ohhh! Gucci."

731
00:35:15,721 --> 00:35:18,556
[laughter and applause]

732
00:35:19,473 --> 00:35:22,977
They love vulnerability. And we do things
to make ourselves vulnerable.

733
00:35:23,060 --> 00:35:25,521
Strong women are told
to tone it down, right?

734
00:35:25,605 --> 00:35:28,858
But men are told to toughen up.
We don't let men be vulnerable.

735
00:35:28,941 --> 00:35:29,859
That's not fair.

736
00:35:29,942 --> 00:35:33,237
But I can't help you because I'm a girl
and I can only fight one fight at a time.

737
00:35:33,321 --> 00:35:35,573
[laughter]

738
00:35:35,656 --> 00:35:38,159
If you wanna come to my green room
and cry after, I will...

739
00:35:38,242 --> 00:35:39,744
laugh at you. But, no...

740
00:35:39,827 --> 00:35:40,828
[laughter]

741
00:35:40,912 --> 00:35:43,164
But we tell strong women
to bring it down, right?

742
00:35:43,247 --> 00:35:47,877
High heels? Why do you wear high heels?
So you what? Can't run from your attacker.

743
00:35:47,960 --> 00:35:49,003
Good.

744
00:35:49,086 --> 00:35:50,338
[laughter]

745
00:35:50,421 --> 00:35:51,589
Smoky eye makeup?

746
00:35:51,672 --> 00:35:53,433
Why does that make sense?
What are you doing?

747
00:35:53,507 --> 00:35:56,636
You take the makeup, grind it
into your eye. Why is that attractive?

748
00:35:56,719 --> 00:36:00,306
I figured it out. Smoky eye makeup
makes you look like you what?

749
00:36:00,389 --> 00:36:04,101
Just choked on a dick and cried. Good.

750
00:36:04,185 --> 00:36:06,229
[laughter]

751
00:36:06,312 --> 00:36:07,520
[cheering and applause]

752
00:36:07,604 --> 00:36:10,273
I am not wrong.
It's a little off-brand for me.

753
00:36:10,357 --> 00:36:11,274
I am not wrong.

754
00:36:11,358 --> 00:36:13,985
[laughter]

755
00:36:14,736 --> 00:36:16,905
It's not enough to be thin ever!

756
00:36:17,656 --> 00:36:20,283
You gotta be gaunt
to the point of extinction.

757
00:36:20,700 --> 00:36:23,411
The kind of thin where it's like,
"What up, bitches? Find me."

758
00:36:23,495 --> 00:36:24,788
That kind of thin.

759
00:36:24,871 --> 00:36:26,206
[laughter]

760
00:36:27,123 --> 00:36:29,584
Maybe I'm being unfair.
Maybe it's a cultural thing.

761
00:36:29,668 --> 00:36:32,629
I can only truly speak
from the perspective of what I am.

762
00:36:32,712 --> 00:36:35,674
I'm an upper-middle-class white woman.
Hope I die that way.

763
00:36:35,757 --> 00:36:36,591
[laughter]

764
00:36:36,675 --> 00:36:40,804
And the expectation of being thin
has been put on us for about 100 years.

765
00:36:40,887 --> 00:36:44,391
That's been the look. The like...
"Uhh, come, have some tea.

766
00:36:44,474 --> 00:36:47,310
Yes, these jeans are high.
That's not weird."

767
00:36:47,394 --> 00:36:50,105
We like that look.
And that's a hard look to achieve.

768
00:36:50,188 --> 00:36:52,565
Some women die trying to be thin.

769
00:36:52,649 --> 00:36:54,192
And it was only in the last...

770
00:36:54,276 --> 00:36:55,652
forty years

771
00:36:55,735 --> 00:37:00,239
that women of color and women
of other ethnicities rose to prominence

772
00:37:00,322 --> 00:37:03,701
and made it socially acceptable,
nay attractive,

773
00:37:03,784 --> 00:37:05,869
to have the body of a grown woman.

774
00:37:05,953 --> 00:37:07,663
Jennifer Lopez came out of nowhere

775
00:37:07,746 --> 00:37:10,040
with the backside
of a brontosaurus, like...

776
00:37:10,124 --> 00:37:11,959
[laughter]

777
00:37:12,042 --> 00:37:13,460
[cheering and applause]

778
00:37:13,544 --> 00:37:14,586
<i>"Qué pasó?"</i>

779
00:37:14,670 --> 00:37:16,797
<i>[applause]</i>

780
00:37:16,880 --> 00:37:18,632
And it became attractive.

781
00:37:18,716 --> 00:37:22,803
And somewhere, with everybody having
an agenda in our social conversation,

782
00:37:22,886 --> 00:37:25,556
it became okay to tell white girls
to their faces,

783
00:37:25,639 --> 00:37:27,266
"You're fat. Kill yourself."

784
00:37:27,349 --> 00:37:29,101
Bullying us on Facebook.

785
00:37:29,184 --> 00:37:30,894
Because you're white,
so life must be easy.

786
00:37:30,978 --> 00:37:33,731
Which, I'm not gonna lie, it's great.
Being white is great. But...

787
00:37:33,814 --> 00:37:34,898
[laughter]

788
00:37:34,982 --> 00:37:38,360
It became okay to say that
because we are not spicy, right?

789
00:37:38,444 --> 00:37:41,905
White women don't have a fire in them.
There's not a chili pepper here.

790
00:37:41,989 --> 00:37:44,908
Inside here is a scoop
of Breyer's vanilla bean ice cream.

791
00:37:44,992 --> 00:37:46,910
[laughter]

792
00:37:48,203 --> 00:37:51,372
And we'll take it.
Your boyfriend tells you you're fat,

793
00:37:51,456 --> 00:37:54,459
we'll be like, "I'm sorry, Chad,
please don't get out of the kayak."

794
00:37:54,542 --> 00:37:57,253
[laughter]

795
00:37:57,337 --> 00:37:59,839
"We're gonna have an afternoon.
I brought Jenga."

796
00:37:59,922 --> 00:38:02,050
[laughter]

797
00:38:02,133 --> 00:38:05,803
You know who has an unshakeable sense
of self-esteem? Black women.

798
00:38:05,887 --> 00:38:06,888
[cheering]

799
00:38:06,971 --> 00:38:08,389
You... Yes!

800
00:38:08,473 --> 00:38:12,685
You cannot tell a sister on her something
isn't working. She won't believe it.

801
00:38:12,769 --> 00:38:13,978
[laughter]

802
00:38:14,062 --> 00:38:16,606
Try it. Say to a black girl,
"I don't like those jeans."

803
00:38:16,689 --> 00:38:18,733
First of all, I dare you.

804
00:38:18,816 --> 00:38:20,651
[laughter]

805
00:38:20,735 --> 00:38:24,697
[cheering and applause]

806
00:38:24,781 --> 00:38:28,451
It will not rattle her for a second.
Be like, "I don't like those jeans."

807
00:38:28,534 --> 00:38:30,870
She'll be like,
"Bullshit. I see you looking."

808
00:38:30,953 --> 00:38:32,872
[laughter]

809
00:38:32,955 --> 00:38:35,833
[cheering and applause]

810
00:38:36,834 --> 00:38:41,129
Girls, if you want respect,
you're gonna have to take it.

811
00:38:41,213 --> 00:38:42,547
It's 2016.

812
00:38:43,006 --> 00:38:46,510
Let's learn math, let's learn science,
let's drop the body issues, okay?

813
00:38:46,593 --> 00:38:50,430
Don't let anybody make you feel less than.
Your bodies are perfect as they are.

814
00:38:50,514 --> 00:38:53,892
[cheering and applause]

815
00:38:53,975 --> 00:38:56,186
And if you want respect,

816
00:38:56,269 --> 00:38:59,398
you have to command respect,
not demand it.

817
00:38:59,689 --> 00:39:00,899
Two totally different things.

818
00:39:00,982 --> 00:39:02,943
Commanding respect is in the actions,

819
00:39:03,026 --> 00:39:05,153
it's the way
that we speak about each other,

820
00:39:05,237 --> 00:39:07,322
it's the way that you speak
about yourself.

821
00:39:07,406 --> 00:39:09,783
If your whole agenda is to be sexual,

822
00:39:09,866 --> 00:39:12,077
and confusing being sexual
with empowerment,

823
00:39:12,160 --> 00:39:14,371
and talking about fucking and sex
all the time,

824
00:39:14,454 --> 00:39:18,333
thinking that that's the reason that women
are empowered, you're fucking wrong.

825
00:39:18,417 --> 00:39:20,252
It comes with the way you treat yourself.

826
00:39:20,335 --> 00:39:21,837
Don't call each other whores.

827
00:39:21,920 --> 00:39:24,089
Don't call each other sluts.

828
00:39:24,172 --> 00:39:26,216
[cheering and applause]

829
00:39:27,175 --> 00:39:30,094
Because when you do that,
society looks at you and they say,

830
00:39:30,177 --> 00:39:32,138
"Oh, it's okay to talk to women that way."

831
00:39:32,221 --> 00:39:34,014
You teach people how to treat you.

832
00:39:34,098 --> 00:39:35,975
Let's get rid of the phrase
"walk of shame."

833
00:39:36,058 --> 00:39:38,310
What is that one? What is walk of shame?

834
00:39:39,270 --> 00:39:42,523
I don't understand that.
I've never had a walk of shame.

835
00:39:43,107 --> 00:39:44,817
What could that be?

836
00:39:44,900 --> 00:39:47,903
Walk of shame.
What's there to be shameful about?

837
00:39:48,404 --> 00:39:53,242
What's the shame in the fact that he and I
went out, we had the same amount of vodka,

838
00:39:53,325 --> 00:39:55,369
he got too drunk to get it up,
so he passed out,

839
00:39:55,453 --> 00:39:59,039
then I used his credit card to buy $100
worth of Chinese and stole his golf clubs?

840
00:39:59,123 --> 00:40:02,126
[cheering and applause]

841
00:40:02,209 --> 00:40:04,211
Walk of shame!

842
00:40:04,295 --> 00:40:07,381
[applause]

843
00:40:09,258 --> 00:40:12,470
We're starting from behind here, girls,
we've gotta say smarter things.

844
00:40:12,553 --> 00:40:14,555
From now on... Let's make a pact.

845
00:40:15,222 --> 00:40:16,557
From now on,

846
00:40:17,683 --> 00:40:20,102
I don't wanna hear any more women

847
00:40:20,685 --> 00:40:24,606
talk about how they wanna be... mermaids.

848
00:40:24,689 --> 00:40:25,982
[laughter]

849
00:40:26,065 --> 00:40:27,442
Okay?

850
00:40:27,525 --> 00:40:29,694
- [cheering and applause]
- Okay?

851
00:40:30,987 --> 00:40:32,530
It's stupid.

852
00:40:33,490 --> 00:40:37,327
And I'm not trying to be a bitch, but
it's probably not gonna happen for you.

853
00:40:37,410 --> 00:40:38,453
[laughter]

854
00:40:38,536 --> 00:40:39,913
Okay?

855
00:40:39,996 --> 00:40:42,540
Literally,
you don't have the bone structure.

856
00:40:42,624 --> 00:40:43,708
[laughter]

857
00:40:43,791 --> 00:40:45,710
What worries me, I see it a lot

858
00:40:45,793 --> 00:40:47,795
and it's not from children,
it's grown women,

859
00:40:47,879 --> 00:40:51,382
like, "I don't wanna be adult any more.
I wanna be a mermaid."

860
00:40:51,466 --> 00:40:55,595
You... The amount of escapism
that's in that sentence!

861
00:40:55,678 --> 00:40:58,515
You wanna move to the woods,
you wanna make jam, fine.

862
00:40:58,598 --> 00:41:01,100
At least you're still paying taxes.
You wanna be a mermaid?

863
00:41:01,184 --> 00:41:04,103
That means all of your achievements
in life are gonna lead to you being

864
00:41:04,187 --> 00:41:07,398
a fictional fuck toy for a horny sailor.
That's what you want?

865
00:41:07,482 --> 00:41:10,860
That's what mermaids are! Read a book!

866
00:41:10,944 --> 00:41:13,237
[cheering and applause]

867
00:41:13,320 --> 00:41:14,988
Because I see it a lot.

868
00:41:15,072 --> 00:41:17,824
T-shirts, right? "I am a mermaid."

869
00:41:18,659 --> 00:41:20,452
<i>"Yo soy mermaid."</i>

870
00:41:20,536 --> 00:41:21,662
[laughter]

871
00:41:21,745 --> 00:41:23,622
<i>"Je suis mermaid."</i>

872
00:41:23,705 --> 00:41:25,249
[laughter]

873
00:41:25,832 --> 00:41:27,543
Let's discuss the logistics...

874
00:41:28,627 --> 00:41:30,504
of being a mermaid,

875
00:41:30,587 --> 00:41:32,798
so that you have the information.

876
00:41:32,881 --> 00:41:36,385
If and when
the job opportunity presents itself

877
00:41:36,468 --> 00:41:38,095
on Linkedln...

878
00:41:38,178 --> 00:41:39,846
[laughter]

879
00:41:40,430 --> 00:41:43,016
you can make an informed decision,
okay?

880
00:41:43,350 --> 00:41:46,228
If you are a mermaid, you don't sleep.

881
00:41:46,478 --> 00:41:48,279
Girls are like, "Oh, my God,
I love sleeping."

882
00:41:48,355 --> 00:41:49,982
"None for you. Just swim."

883
00:41:50,065 --> 00:41:51,567
[laughter]

884
00:41:51,650 --> 00:41:53,402
It's chugging Mountain Dew Code Red.

885
00:41:53,485 --> 00:41:55,946
There are no beds,
but there is Mountain Dew Code Red.

886
00:41:56,029 --> 00:41:59,491
You're some white-trash jacked-up mermaid
just swimming, swimming.

887
00:41:59,575 --> 00:42:02,201
And by the way, you don't have fins.
Remember, you're half-human.

888
00:42:02,285 --> 00:42:05,705
So you've got arms. You've got
these thick-ass traps, just swimming.

889
00:42:05,788 --> 00:42:07,873
[pants heavily]

890
00:42:07,957 --> 00:42:10,126
You can't stop swimming,
because if you do,

891
00:42:10,209 --> 00:42:13,296
something will try to eat you,
fuck you or kill you, okay?

892
00:42:13,921 --> 00:42:16,382
It's not dissimilar to being a woman
in a downtown area.

893
00:42:16,465 --> 00:42:18,968
So just swimming, swimming.

894
00:42:19,051 --> 00:42:22,305
Now, you're swimming all day,
you're probably pretty hungry, right?

895
00:42:22,388 --> 00:42:25,308
How are you gonna catch food?
Remember, you're half-human.

896
00:42:25,391 --> 00:42:27,727
We don't have
animal-catching accoutrements,

897
00:42:27,810 --> 00:42:31,647
like claws and tentacles and lasers.

898
00:42:31,731 --> 00:42:33,441
We don't have those kind of things.

899
00:42:33,524 --> 00:42:36,777
We have big brains.
So I don't know what you're gonna do.

900
00:42:36,861 --> 00:42:38,821
Maybe talk a crab to death.

901
00:42:38,904 --> 00:42:41,115
Like, "Excuse me. Excuse me."

902
00:42:41,198 --> 00:42:42,992
[laughter]

903
00:42:43,075 --> 00:42:47,622
I was thinking of double majoring in
psychology and communications. Excuse me.

904
00:42:47,705 --> 00:42:49,874
Excuse me. Are you a cancer?"

905
00:42:50,291 --> 00:42:53,877
So now... you're hungry, you're tired,

906
00:42:53,960 --> 00:42:56,713
you're like, "I don't care
because I'm gonna lay on the beach

907
00:42:56,796 --> 00:42:57,631
like a mermaid."

908
00:42:57,714 --> 00:42:59,924
No, you won't.
Sailors are gonna try to fuck you

909
00:43:00,008 --> 00:43:03,428
and the Japanese will definitely
try to eat you just for funsies, okay?

910
00:43:03,511 --> 00:43:05,430
[laughter]

911
00:43:05,513 --> 00:43:10,769
You're swimming around like, "I don't care
because I'll have long, flowing hair."

912
00:43:10,852 --> 00:43:13,063
No, you won't. You ever go in the ocean?

913
00:43:13,146 --> 00:43:15,231
You guys aren't on an ocean,
you're on a lake.

914
00:43:15,315 --> 00:43:18,401
You're a lake mermaid?
What are you, half trout? Kill yourself.

915
00:43:18,485 --> 00:43:21,154
[laughter and applause]

916
00:43:21,237 --> 00:43:24,699
Ohh! Freshwater mermaid?

917
00:43:26,034 --> 00:43:28,787
[laughter]

918
00:43:31,498 --> 00:43:35,627
What if you got, like, the weird end of
the genetic pool and you were half turtle?

919
00:43:36,169 --> 00:43:37,796
No tail but just half...

920
00:43:38,588 --> 00:43:41,800
"Long flowing mermaid hair."
You're not gonna have that.

921
00:43:41,883 --> 00:43:44,134
You ever go in the water
when there's waves?

922
00:43:44,218 --> 00:43:45,761
You won't have long flowing hair.

923
00:43:45,844 --> 00:43:49,139
You're going to have one giant mer-dread.

924
00:43:49,223 --> 00:43:50,933
[laughter]

925
00:43:51,016 --> 00:43:53,894
And it's just gonna follow you.
It's just one big old mer-lock

926
00:43:53,977 --> 00:43:58,315
and it's getting caught on propellers,
it's getting caught on anchors.

927
00:43:58,399 --> 00:44:00,526
There's sea lice living in your mer-dread

928
00:44:00,609 --> 00:44:02,903
because that's a warm,
hospitable environment.

929
00:44:02,986 --> 00:44:05,114
Then there's fish
feeding off those sea lice.

930
00:44:05,197 --> 00:44:09,034
There's an entire sustainable maritime
ecosystem attached to your fucking head.

931
00:44:09,535 --> 00:44:12,079
You drag it around.
Sea lice are nipping at your scalp.

932
00:44:12,162 --> 00:44:15,165
You gotta get rid of it, right?
You're like, "I'll just cut it off."

933
00:44:15,249 --> 00:44:17,251
Ain't no scissors in the ocean, all right?

934
00:44:17,835 --> 00:44:19,628
I don't care
what the Little Mermaid told us

935
00:44:19,712 --> 00:44:22,756
because she was a liar and a hoarder.

936
00:44:22,840 --> 00:44:24,925
[laughter and applause]

937
00:44:25,008 --> 00:44:26,343
Hoarder!

938
00:44:26,969 --> 00:44:30,180
We let it go because she was pretty,
but she was super-gross.

939
00:44:30,264 --> 00:44:31,390
[laughter]

940
00:44:31,473 --> 00:44:34,017
<i># Look at this stuff, isn't it neat? #</i>

941
00:44:34,101 --> 00:44:36,227
That's a used toothbrush.
Don't put it in your...

942
00:44:36,310 --> 00:44:38,813
[screams] Ohh! Ohh!

943
00:44:38,896 --> 00:44:41,065
[gags] Ohh!

944
00:44:41,149 --> 00:44:42,650
You're gonna get sick!

945
00:44:42,734 --> 00:44:43,734
[laughter]

946
00:44:44,110 --> 00:44:47,363
Still gotta get rid of that mer-dread
because it's a hazard, so what do you do?

947
00:44:47,447 --> 00:44:49,088
You have to get another fish to help you.

948
00:44:49,157 --> 00:44:52,285
You have to do what they do
in the animal kingdom. You must what?

949
00:44:52,368 --> 00:44:55,830
You must what? Who here took
marine biology? You have to what?

950
00:44:55,913 --> 00:45:00,418
Form a symbiotic relationship
with other marine life.

951
00:45:00,501 --> 00:45:03,171
- Good. And have that fish...
- [laughter]

952
00:45:03,254 --> 00:45:07,216
come in with his fish tooth
and just saw off your mer-dread, right?

953
00:45:07,300 --> 00:45:10,928
It's gonna be bad-looking. But now,
remember, you gotta pay that fish back.

954
00:45:11,012 --> 00:45:14,098
That's the nature of a symbiotic
relationship, you must reciprocate.

955
00:45:14,182 --> 00:45:17,602
How you gonna pay that fish back?
You ain't got no money, shell-tits.

956
00:45:17,685 --> 00:45:20,021
[laughter]

957
00:45:20,938 --> 00:45:23,524
I hate to say it,
but the only thing you have...

958
00:45:23,608 --> 00:45:24,817
is fish sex

959
00:45:24,901 --> 00:45:27,277
and I don't know if you have a vagina

960
00:45:27,360 --> 00:45:32,073
because I'm not an ichthyologist
and I don't know how fish work.

961
00:45:32,157 --> 00:45:35,869
I should've looked it up before the taping
but I'm just trying to tell you some jokes

962
00:45:35,952 --> 00:45:39,247
and I think I've done a pretty good job.
You know what fish do? They poop.

963
00:45:39,331 --> 00:45:41,082
You've got a fish butt.
So think about that.

964
00:45:41,166 --> 00:45:43,627
- So.
- [laughter]

965
00:45:43,710 --> 00:45:46,588
So now you're swimming around,
you're hungry, you're tired,

966
00:45:46,671 --> 00:45:49,716
you've got a fucked-up haircut,
you're like a little sore, you're like...

967
00:45:49,799 --> 00:45:51,009
[groans]

968
00:45:51,092 --> 00:45:53,678
"I don't care.
I'm gonna be a mermaid. I'm gonna swim.

969
00:45:53,762 --> 00:45:55,722
Because I will swim like a mermaid."

970
00:45:55,805 --> 00:46:00,685
Let's remember how mermaids allegedly,
because they are not real, swim.

971
00:46:01,269 --> 00:46:03,855
They swim... like dolphins.

972
00:46:03,939 --> 00:46:04,773
[laughter]

973
00:46:04,856 --> 00:46:07,859
Hey, ladies,
do you love ab day at the gym?

974
00:46:07,943 --> 00:46:09,903
Well, that's your fucking life, sister!

975
00:46:09,986 --> 00:46:11,571
[laughter]

976
00:46:11,655 --> 00:46:14,616
"37. 38." Just trying to get through.

977
00:46:14,699 --> 00:46:18,077
Your entire existence
is that of an R. Kelly backup dancer.

978
00:46:18,160 --> 00:46:19,954
[laughter]

979
00:46:20,037 --> 00:46:22,206
Just swimming through the nineties.

980
00:46:22,289 --> 00:46:24,124
[applause]

981
00:46:24,208 --> 00:46:25,751
So, you can be a mermaid

982
00:46:25,834 --> 00:46:29,088
or you can always get a job
in front of a used car dealership.

983
00:46:29,171 --> 00:46:32,174
[laughter]

984
00:46:32,258 --> 00:46:36,845
[cheering and applause]

985
00:46:39,431 --> 00:46:42,226
No mermaids.
We can do better. No mermaids.

986
00:46:42,309 --> 00:46:45,813
I worry for women. I worry for men.
I worry for our country.

987
00:46:45,896 --> 00:46:48,732
Is anybody else
really worried for our country?

988
00:46:48,816 --> 00:46:51,527
[cheering and applause]

989
00:46:52,778 --> 00:46:57,157
So I'm worried... And by the way,
I am very proud to be an American

990
00:46:57,241 --> 00:47:00,202
and I love my country very much
and I want the best for it.

991
00:47:00,286 --> 00:47:03,330
There's no joke, it's just a statement.
I love being an American.

992
00:47:03,414 --> 00:47:04,999
[cheering]

993
00:47:05,082 --> 00:47:06,916
What I'm scared for...

994
00:47:07,709 --> 00:47:10,587
What I'm scared about
aren't so much the nightmares

995
00:47:10,670 --> 00:47:14,549
clawing at our front and back doors,
both politically, foreign, domestic,

996
00:47:14,632 --> 00:47:16,384
economical, ecological, whatever.

997
00:47:16,467 --> 00:47:18,970
What I'm scared about
is the fact that, like,

998
00:47:19,053 --> 00:47:22,223
my generation
is supposed to be grown-up and mature now.

999
00:47:23,391 --> 00:47:26,644
I represent the millennials.
Perhaps you've seen our Instagram pages.

1000
00:47:26,728 --> 00:47:28,021
[laughter and cheering]

1001
00:47:28,146 --> 00:47:30,440
Yeah, we cheer for ourselves.
We're the worst.

1002
00:47:30,523 --> 00:47:33,151
[laughter]

1003
00:47:33,234 --> 00:47:36,362
I will say this as the Lorax
of my generation, mustache,

1004
00:47:36,446 --> 00:47:40,116
we... didn't ask to be spoiled.

1005
00:47:40,199 --> 00:47:42,577
Our parents loved us
and they gave us everything.

1006
00:47:42,660 --> 00:47:44,704
That's the job of the generation prior,

1007
00:47:44,787 --> 00:47:47,624
to give the next generation
a better world than they had.

1008
00:47:47,707 --> 00:47:52,337
So I'm gonna apologize to my grandkids for
the radioactive ball of foil and Diet Coke

1009
00:47:52,420 --> 00:47:55,423
that they're gonna inherit from us.

1010
00:47:55,506 --> 00:47:58,258
But that's what the people before you do.

1011
00:47:58,342 --> 00:48:01,970
And I believe that this wave of
entitlement started with our grandparents.

1012
00:48:02,054 --> 00:48:04,431
Our grandparents were called
the greatest generation,

1013
00:48:04,514 --> 00:48:05,849
and I believe that they were.

1014
00:48:05,932 --> 00:48:08,477
They selflessly gave
and they made this country

1015
00:48:08,560 --> 00:48:11,021
the idea of America that a lot of us miss.

1016
00:48:11,104 --> 00:48:13,899
White people. The rest of us,
it was horrible for most of them.

1017
00:48:13,982 --> 00:48:15,317
- But in general...
- [laughter]

1018
00:48:15,400 --> 00:48:17,069
The main points of it, okay?

1019
00:48:17,152 --> 00:48:19,863
Your grandparents had to fight.
They had no choice.

1020
00:48:19,946 --> 00:48:22,491
Grandpa had to fight in World War II.

1021
00:48:22,574 --> 00:48:25,952
Grandpa was straight-up drizafted, okay?
He had no choice.

1022
00:48:26,536 --> 00:48:28,205
And when he came home from the war,

1023
00:48:28,288 --> 00:48:31,541
all he wanted to do was have a family,
have a job, be a little racist

1024
00:48:31,625 --> 00:48:34,211
- and live the American dream, that's it.
- [laughter]

1025
00:48:34,294 --> 00:48:37,673
He fought, he got right to work.
It's not like guys today who'd be like,

1026
00:48:37,756 --> 00:48:41,093
"Oh, I just wanna backpack around Oregon
and find myself." No!

1027
00:48:41,176 --> 00:48:42,719
[laughter]

1028
00:48:42,803 --> 00:48:46,306
And they're allowed to say that
because, whether you like them or not,

1029
00:48:46,390 --> 00:48:50,518
our military does such a good job
of defending us on a day-to-day basis.

1030
00:48:50,601 --> 00:48:53,104
[cheering and applause]

1031
00:48:53,187 --> 00:48:56,357
And I know that TSA blows.

1032
00:48:57,775 --> 00:49:01,153
But they do such a good job
that you're allowed to mentally check out.

1033
00:49:01,237 --> 00:49:03,864
Like, if you don't like
the war going on right now,

1034
00:49:04,281 --> 00:49:05,741
unlike it on Facebook.

1035
00:49:05,825 --> 00:49:06,992
[laughter]

1036
00:49:07,076 --> 00:49:08,619
You're allowed to do that.

1037
00:49:08,703 --> 00:49:11,080
There was no concerted effort.
You didn't have to fight.

1038
00:49:11,163 --> 00:49:14,417
My point is, there was no day
we all gathered in our town squares

1039
00:49:14,500 --> 00:49:18,337
and threw our iPhones into the center
so the military could use the scrap metal.

1040
00:49:18,421 --> 00:49:21,132
"What's this? A droid? Take it back,
freak." We didn't have that.

1041
00:49:21,215 --> 00:49:22,842
[laughter]

1042
00:49:22,925 --> 00:49:27,012
I think it's difficult to conceive of a
world where you have to sacrifice so much

1043
00:49:27,096 --> 00:49:30,266
and to understand what our grandparents
did because now they're old,

1044
00:49:30,766 --> 00:49:34,186
and when you think old, what do you think?
Cute, right?

1045
00:49:34,270 --> 00:49:36,731
Your grandparents are cute because
they're tiny, shrinking.

1046
00:49:36,814 --> 00:49:37,935
Pick them up, put them down,

1047
00:49:37,982 --> 00:49:40,650
they don't like it, sprinkle water,
"Get it off me."

1048
00:49:40,734 --> 00:49:41,568
[laughter]

1049
00:49:41,651 --> 00:49:44,571
And the whiter you are,
the greater a chance there is

1050
00:49:44,654 --> 00:49:49,242
that you've developed some weird
prerogative kitten-like nickname

1051
00:49:49,325 --> 00:49:51,202
for your grandfather.

1052
00:49:51,286 --> 00:49:55,206
Oh, it's not Grandpa anymore,
it's like, "This is my Nim-Nam."

1053
00:49:55,290 --> 00:49:58,168
[laughter]

1054
00:49:58,251 --> 00:50:00,754
"This is my Yippers."

1055
00:50:01,713 --> 00:50:03,381
"This is my Pip-Pop."

1056
00:50:03,465 --> 00:50:07,093
Pip-Pop doesn't give a fuck. He's like,
"I was a prisoner of war for six years,

1057
00:50:07,177 --> 00:50:09,471
call my Pip-Pop, I've had worse."

1058
00:50:09,554 --> 00:50:11,848
[laughter]

1059
00:50:13,308 --> 00:50:15,685
"Oh, my God, you guys,
my Pip-Pop is so cute.

1060
00:50:15,769 --> 00:50:17,812
Oh, my God, Pip-Pop,
he's so cute, you guys.

1061
00:50:17,896 --> 00:50:21,316
Sometimes at Christmas,
when Pip-Pop falls asleep,

1062
00:50:21,399 --> 00:50:23,651
we like to decorate him
with Christmas bows.

1063
00:50:23,735 --> 00:50:25,779
Isn't that funny? Silly Pip-Pop."

1064
00:50:25,862 --> 00:50:28,156
Pip-Pop's got 53 confirmed kills!

1065
00:50:28,239 --> 00:50:30,282
[laughter]

1066
00:50:30,365 --> 00:50:34,161
[cheering and applause]

1067
00:50:38,874 --> 00:50:40,834
Don't think for a second

1068
00:50:40,918 --> 00:50:44,838
Pip-Pop doesn't remember how to repurpose
that Christmas bow around your neck

1069
00:50:44,922 --> 00:50:47,049
to get the intel that he needs out of you.

1070
00:50:47,132 --> 00:50:50,093
"Sit the fuck down,
Colton, Caleb, Ashton, Crashton, Crandon,

1071
00:50:50,177 --> 00:50:52,346
whatever your fucking hipster name is,
sit down!"

1072
00:50:52,429 --> 00:50:54,181
[laughter and cheering]

1073
00:50:54,264 --> 00:50:57,810
Pip-Pop came home from the war
and then they had our parents.

1074
00:50:57,893 --> 00:51:03,023
Our parents are called the baby boomers
because Pip-Pop came home from Normandy

1075
00:51:03,106 --> 00:51:07,986
and he was like, [gasps] "I'm not dead.
Boom, Gladys, let's fuck."

1076
00:51:08,070 --> 00:51:09,613
And then...

1077
00:51:09,696 --> 00:51:12,574
[laughter and applause]

1078
00:51:12,658 --> 00:51:14,910
The baby boomers, ask your parents,

1079
00:51:14,993 --> 00:51:18,539
were the first generation that were
allowed to be artists on a mass scale.

1080
00:51:18,622 --> 00:51:21,874
You didn't have to work on your
family business, you could take drugs,

1081
00:51:21,958 --> 00:51:25,378
rock 'n' roll, you could do and be
what you wanted to be in the big city.

1082
00:51:25,461 --> 00:51:27,380
The baby boomers had generation X.

1083
00:51:27,463 --> 00:51:29,423
I don't care about them
because I'm a millennial.

1084
00:51:29,507 --> 00:51:33,511
We showed up, got a trophy for breathing
and then we invented Instagram.

1085
00:51:33,594 --> 00:51:37,265
[cheering and applause]

1086
00:51:39,058 --> 00:51:41,102
What's insane about Instagram is this.

1087
00:51:41,185 --> 00:51:46,107
We use hashtags, right?
Hashtag, formerly known as the pound sign.

1088
00:51:46,190 --> 00:51:47,441
[laughter]

1089
00:51:47,525 --> 00:51:48,901
She got a makeover.

1090
00:51:48,985 --> 00:51:52,488
What's weird about a hashtag... is this.

1091
00:51:52,572 --> 00:51:57,034
The more hashtags there are
under a posted picture on Instagram,

1092
00:51:57,118 --> 00:52:01,414
the less likely the last hashtag
is gonna have anything to do...

1093
00:52:01,497 --> 00:52:02,498
[laughter]

1094
00:52:02,582 --> 00:52:04,333
with that posted picture.

1095
00:52:04,417 --> 00:52:07,169
You got more than four hashtags
under your picture,

1096
00:52:07,253 --> 00:52:10,381
you are witnessing
a human thought process devolve.

1097
00:52:10,464 --> 00:52:11,882
[laughter]

1098
00:52:11,965 --> 00:52:15,677
By the end, it's just word association.
Free word association.

1099
00:52:15,760 --> 00:52:18,638
Bunch of people on the beach,
Fourth of July, right?

1100
00:52:18,722 --> 00:52:21,224
"Fuck, yeah! #FourthBitches

1101
00:52:21,308 --> 00:52:23,685
# Fourth #BeachDay #BDay

1102
00:52:23,768 --> 00:52:26,730
# IndependenceDay #IndependentWoman
#Beyonce" Yes!

1103
00:52:26,813 --> 00:52:30,233
"#Blessed #IPayMyBills
#BikiniBody #BeachBody

1104
00:52:30,317 --> 00:52:33,278
# BoutThatLife #DontNeedAMan
#DontWantAMan #NeverHadAMan

1105
00:52:33,361 --> 00:52:36,239
# SometimesToFeelAHumanEmotion
ILikeToDrinkMyOwnHair"

1106
00:52:36,323 --> 00:52:38,158
What? What? What?

1107
00:52:38,241 --> 00:52:39,659
[cheering and applause]

1108
00:52:39,743 --> 00:52:40,743
Say something.

1109
00:52:42,495 --> 00:52:44,164
Talking about?

1110
00:52:46,791 --> 00:52:48,877
And then, because we're so hard on women,

1111
00:52:48,960 --> 00:52:52,255
we're mean to women when they're proud
of their bodies on Instagram.

1112
00:52:52,339 --> 00:52:55,926
We only allow women to post pictures
when they're a work in progress, right?

1113
00:52:56,009 --> 00:52:57,761
"Keep it going." If you're ever like,

1114
00:52:57,844 --> 00:52:59,971
"This is as good as it gets,
fucking check it out!"

1115
00:53:00,055 --> 00:53:02,556
it's like,
"You whore. You showy fucking bitch."

1116
00:53:02,640 --> 00:53:06,644
So instead of empowering women
and letting them be proud of themselves,

1117
00:53:06,727 --> 00:53:10,522
women have to shroud their pride
in misdirect hashtags.

1118
00:53:10,606 --> 00:53:14,485
So you've got a generation of girls proud
of their bodies in a bathroom like this,

1119
00:53:14,568 --> 00:53:18,280
and rather than be like,
"#CheckOutMyBodylmSoHappyWithMyself,"

1120
00:53:18,364 --> 00:53:21,867
instead she's like,
"#CheckOutTheGroutWorkOnTheseTiles."

1121
00:53:21,951 --> 00:53:23,285
[laughter]

1122
00:53:23,369 --> 00:53:24,995
Who's looking at that?

1123
00:53:26,789 --> 00:53:29,208
I broke up with my boyfriend
a couple of months ago.

1124
00:53:29,291 --> 00:53:34,171
Let me ask you a question. Have you ever
dated someone who is... so pretty...

1125
00:53:35,756 --> 00:53:37,424
but so stupid?

1126
00:53:37,508 --> 00:53:40,636
[laughter and cheering]

1127
00:53:40,719 --> 00:53:42,721
Notice, it's girls cheering.

1128
00:53:42,805 --> 00:53:46,100
All the guys are like, "Yeah,
I brought her here. Keep it moving!"

1129
00:53:46,183 --> 00:53:48,227
[laughter]

1130
00:53:48,310 --> 00:53:50,104
"I don't wanna get in a fight!"

1131
00:53:52,313 --> 00:53:55,984
So, men can do that. Women really can't.

1132
00:53:57,026 --> 00:54:00,613
And the reasoning isn't because men
are dicks, there's nothing like that,

1133
00:54:00,697 --> 00:54:02,865
it has to do
with the wiring of our brains.

1134
00:54:02,949 --> 00:54:07,495
Men are visually stimulated, women,
unfortunately, are cerebrally stimulated.

1135
00:54:07,578 --> 00:54:10,957
Men are visual creatures.
They have to be attracted to a woman

1136
00:54:11,040 --> 00:54:14,502
before they can get to know how amazing
she is inside. They have to be...

1137
00:54:14,585 --> 00:54:18,297
A dude will date a popsicle stick if
it's got a wig. Like, it doesn't matter.

1138
00:54:18,381 --> 00:54:19,799
[laughter]

1139
00:54:19,882 --> 00:54:22,969
That's why it's tough,
because you wanna be a feminist,

1140
00:54:23,052 --> 00:54:24,773
like, "I don't have to get ready
for a man,"

1141
00:54:24,846 --> 00:54:27,432
but that's what they're attracted to.
Just the littlest bit.

1142
00:54:27,515 --> 00:54:30,643
Everybody's got that one girlfriend that's
like, "I don't get it. I volunteer

1143
00:54:30,727 --> 00:54:34,063
and I rescue animals and I'm very sweet."
It's like, "Yeah, but you're so ugly

1144
00:54:34,147 --> 00:54:37,150
so you have to... Just brush the hair!

1145
00:54:37,233 --> 00:54:40,028
Just, anything! One tooth."

1146
00:54:40,111 --> 00:54:42,488
[laughter]

1147
00:54:42,572 --> 00:54:44,197
You don't have to have it out there.

1148
00:54:44,281 --> 00:54:47,284
He cannot check out your personality
from across the room.

1149
00:54:47,367 --> 00:54:48,368
That's all I'm saying.

1150
00:54:48,452 --> 00:54:49,953
No man has ever done that.

1151
00:54:50,037 --> 00:54:53,206
No man has ever seen a woman
who's sitting there nibbling on her nubs

1152
00:54:53,290 --> 00:54:55,709
- with, like, a gill...
- [laughter]

1153
00:54:55,792 --> 00:54:59,212
and walked up and been like, "Excuse me,
you're hideous, but you look like

1154
00:54:59,296 --> 00:55:02,341
you might enjoy Tom Clancy,
light nipple play and barbecue.

1155
00:55:02,424 --> 00:55:03,258
Is that true?"

1156
00:55:03,342 --> 00:55:04,926
[laughter]

1157
00:55:05,010 --> 00:55:08,305
[applause]

1158
00:55:10,807 --> 00:55:13,810
And women do stuff to make themselves
physically attractive.

1159
00:55:13,894 --> 00:55:15,729
Even if you're not trying that hard,

1160
00:55:15,812 --> 00:55:18,190
most of the stuff we do
is just to get men's attention.

1161
00:55:18,273 --> 00:55:21,026
Shiny hair. Why is your hair shiny?
It makes you look fertile.

1162
00:55:21,109 --> 00:55:21,985
Thanks, Pantene.

1163
00:55:22,069 --> 00:55:25,614
But that's why. There's no reason to have
it shiny other than to get attention.

1164
00:55:25,697 --> 00:55:28,658
You're not, like, deflecting a car light
when you're running.

1165
00:55:28,742 --> 00:55:32,621
Big eyes. "Look at me! My lips look like
a vagina and my boobs look like a butt

1166
00:55:32,704 --> 00:55:35,956
and my butt looks like boobs.
I'm a Mrs. Potato Head. Mate with me!"

1167
00:55:36,040 --> 00:55:37,958
[laughter]

1168
00:55:38,667 --> 00:55:41,379
- You may not like it, but I'm not wrong.
- [laughter]

1169
00:55:41,462 --> 00:55:43,672
Women are cerebrally stimulated.

1170
00:55:43,756 --> 00:55:47,927
That's why we say the number one thing
we look for in a man is a conversation.

1171
00:55:48,010 --> 00:55:51,222
"Someone I can talk to. Sense of humor."

1172
00:55:52,014 --> 00:55:55,684
I have dated gutter goblins who were just,
like, really funny and smart.

1173
00:55:56,310 --> 00:55:58,104
"I just wanna talk to him. It's sexy.

1174
00:55:58,187 --> 00:56:01,232
I just want someone I can talk to.
At. Just sit there and breathe, Steve."

1175
00:56:01,315 --> 00:56:04,819
We need that back and forth.
We have to be able to talk.

1176
00:56:04,902 --> 00:56:08,322
And it's something that we need,
and yet we're chastised for it.

1177
00:56:08,823 --> 00:56:10,741
You ever been called a "chatty Cathy"?

1178
00:56:10,825 --> 00:56:13,244
By an idiot, but still,
ever been called that?

1179
00:56:13,786 --> 00:56:17,289
"A couple of girls just yipping away, huh?
She'll talk your ear off.

1180
00:56:17,373 --> 00:56:20,334
Bunch of giblets in a henhouse."
No-one says giblets in a hen...

1181
00:56:20,417 --> 00:56:22,461
That means the chicken's already dead.

1182
00:56:22,545 --> 00:56:24,130
[laughter]

1183
00:56:24,213 --> 00:56:27,257
Women are always chastised
for talking a lot.

1184
00:56:27,340 --> 00:56:30,260
The reason women talk
goes back thousands of years.

1185
00:56:30,343 --> 00:56:34,013
The reason women talk a lot,
have a proclivity for speaking... Mm!

1186
00:56:34,097 --> 00:56:38,309
Is when men would go out and hunt
and fight and get animals,

1187
00:56:38,393 --> 00:56:40,770
- otherwise known as hunting...
- [laughter]

1188
00:56:40,854 --> 00:56:44,023
"Go get an animal."
Women stayed behind...

1189
00:56:44,107 --> 00:56:45,775
[laughter]

1190
00:56:45,859 --> 00:56:48,778
And we raised the kids
and we made food.

1191
00:56:48,862 --> 00:56:51,197
And because the world
wasn't really a thing yet,

1192
00:56:51,281 --> 00:56:53,491
we exchanged survival secrets.

1193
00:56:53,575 --> 00:56:56,494
We would tell each other things like,
"Oh, don't eat that berry,

1194
00:56:56,578 --> 00:56:59,122
it'll make your husband's dick fall off."

1195
00:56:59,205 --> 00:57:00,790
"Don't wipe with that leaf,

1196
00:57:00,874 --> 00:57:03,918
I found in my studies
that it really hurts your vagina."

1197
00:57:04,002 --> 00:57:07,463
You had to exchange this information
to keep your tribe alive.

1198
00:57:07,547 --> 00:57:09,924
Now, that's devolved to,
"What color lip gloss?"

1199
00:57:10,008 --> 00:57:13,887
but it's the exchange of information.
Girls gather and then share.

1200
00:57:13,970 --> 00:57:16,847
So guys,
when we're talking and it bothers you,

1201
00:57:16,930 --> 00:57:19,850
just know we're trying to make it
so your dick doesn't fall off!

1202
00:57:19,933 --> 00:57:21,351
That's what we're doing.

1203
00:57:21,435 --> 00:57:23,353
Trying to help you!

1204
00:57:23,437 --> 00:57:26,023
- Trying to help you live!
- [cheering and applause]

1205
00:57:29,818 --> 00:57:33,739
Nothing wrong with it. I'll say it.
I'm a feminist. You know what?

1206
00:57:33,822 --> 00:57:36,366
I'll say it for the women
that don't know to say it.

1207
00:57:36,450 --> 00:57:38,452
And you might not be comfortable with it.

1208
00:57:38,535 --> 00:57:42,080
Because a lot of women are like, "I love
being a woman, but I'm not a feminist."

1209
00:57:42,164 --> 00:57:44,917
What are you, a horse?
Like, what are the other options?

1210
00:57:45,709 --> 00:57:47,336
Let me clarify it...

1211
00:57:47,419 --> 00:57:48,545
[cheering]

1212
00:57:49,129 --> 00:57:51,507
for the men and the women
who might not have a clear idea.

1213
00:57:51,590 --> 00:57:54,259
Being a feminist means
you just wanna be treated fairly,

1214
00:57:54,343 --> 00:57:57,471
you just want it even, no more, no less.
Maybe like a little bit more.

1215
00:57:57,554 --> 00:57:58,722
You just wanna get the same.

1216
00:57:59,723 --> 00:58:01,844
And a lot of women
don't like to say they're feminists

1217
00:58:01,892 --> 00:58:04,520
because they don't think
it sounds attractive, right?

1218
00:58:04,603 --> 00:58:06,896
Which is inherently an issue
in and of itself.

1219
00:58:06,979 --> 00:58:09,649
Because men think feminist,
they have a bad idea of it.

1220
00:58:09,732 --> 00:58:13,444
Guys think of some square-jawed broad
with three chin hairs and a power suit,

1221
00:58:13,528 --> 00:58:15,780
like, "I'm gonna kick you in the dick
and take your job!"

1222
00:58:15,863 --> 00:58:17,406
That's not what we want.

1223
00:58:17,490 --> 00:58:19,367
We just want it even.

1224
00:58:19,450 --> 00:58:22,328
If we're gonna be feminists,
let's start with something fun.

1225
00:58:22,411 --> 00:58:23,996
Wage gap, gotta close that.

1226
00:58:24,080 --> 00:58:27,833
But let's start with something everybody
wants to deal with. Yeah, for sure. Duh!

1227
00:58:27,917 --> 00:58:28,751
[cheering]

1228
00:58:28,834 --> 00:58:30,628
Let's start with porn.

1229
00:58:30,711 --> 00:58:33,798
[cheering]

1230
00:58:33,881 --> 00:58:36,842
Because even if you're a woman
and you love being a porn star,

1231
00:58:36,926 --> 00:58:39,679
it's still you taking it
for, like, three hours,

1232
00:58:39,762 --> 00:58:42,765
you're getting paid 30 percent less
and he's actually getting off,

1233
00:58:42,848 --> 00:58:45,434
so let's make some feminist porn.

1234
00:58:45,518 --> 00:58:48,187
Let's see a porn
where a girl kicks a door in, like...

1235
00:58:48,729 --> 00:58:51,607
"Who wants to lick it? Line up! Go!"

1236
00:58:51,691 --> 00:58:53,693
[laughter and cheering]

1237
00:58:53,776 --> 00:58:54,944
Go!

1238
00:58:55,820 --> 00:58:57,153
Next! Go!

1239
00:58:58,363 --> 00:59:00,282
Beat your best time. Go!"

1240
00:59:00,365 --> 00:59:03,118
[laughter]

1241
00:59:03,201 --> 00:59:05,870
- That's so gross.
- [laughter]

1242
00:59:05,954 --> 00:59:07,497
So off-brand. So gross.

1243
00:59:07,581 --> 00:59:11,251
Now, all the girls are cheering,
because in theory, that's empowering.

1244
00:59:11,334 --> 00:59:13,211
But in practice, horrific.

1245
00:59:13,295 --> 00:59:16,339
That would be horrible.
No woman could withstand that.

1246
00:59:16,423 --> 00:59:19,759
Halfway through the second guy, we'd
all be like, "Okay, okay, okay, okay!"

1247
00:59:19,843 --> 00:59:20,843
[laughter]

1248
00:59:20,885 --> 00:59:22,721
"It's sensitive! I need a minute!"

1249
00:59:22,804 --> 00:59:25,181
[laughter and applause]

1250
00:59:25,265 --> 00:59:27,392
"I just need a minute!
I just need a minute.

1251
00:59:27,809 --> 00:59:30,061
Don't hug me.
I'm not mad, I just need a minute."

1252
00:59:30,145 --> 00:59:31,563
[laughter]

1253
00:59:31,646 --> 00:59:34,941
"Why don't you go order us a pizza?
I'll fire up my Pinterest page."

1254
00:59:35,025 --> 00:59:37,485
[laughter and cheering]

1255
00:59:39,237 --> 00:59:41,865
Let me ask you a question.
This is for the girls in the audience.

1256
00:59:41,948 --> 00:59:44,242
This is a very real question,
very real statement.

1257
00:59:44,326 --> 00:59:45,869
Have you ever been...

1258
00:59:45,952 --> 00:59:48,704
Have you ever been
having sex with your boyfriend

1259
00:59:48,787 --> 00:59:52,082
and you're not into it, like, obviously,
and then all of a sudden,

1260
00:59:52,166 --> 00:59:54,168
you start to get really excited?

1261
00:59:54,251 --> 00:59:56,837
Not so much from physical stimulation,

1262
00:59:56,920 --> 00:59:58,839
but because mentally you're like...

1263
01:00:01,467 --> 01:00:03,427
"This is almost done."

1264
01:00:03,510 --> 01:00:06,013
[cheering and applause]

1265
01:00:09,725 --> 01:00:11,935
[laughter]

1266
01:00:12,019 --> 01:00:13,937
And when it is done... [gasps]

1267
01:00:14,021 --> 01:00:18,025
we shall go to the farmers market!"

1268
01:00:18,484 --> 01:00:20,235
You plan out the whole day.

1269
01:00:22,363 --> 01:00:24,907
Guys, you have to make sure
her head is in the game,

1270
01:00:24,990 --> 01:00:27,951
no pun intended,
but, like, pun intended for sure.

1271
01:00:28,035 --> 01:00:31,872
I don't think we check in with each other
enough as opposite sexes.

1272
01:00:31,955 --> 01:00:35,876
Men think because she's making noises
they hear in movies, she's enjoying it.

1273
01:00:35,959 --> 01:00:39,170
Women are like, "I'm making noises,
let's fucking get it over with."

1274
01:00:39,253 --> 01:00:43,257
If you care about the girl, you gotta
make sure she's getting what she wants.

1275
01:00:43,341 --> 01:00:46,511
And girls, the best thing you can do,
if you have great sex,

1276
01:00:46,594 --> 01:00:49,263
the best thing you can do
the second sex is over

1277
01:00:49,347 --> 01:00:52,058
is... not talk to him.

1278
01:00:52,141 --> 01:00:53,434
[laughter]

1279
01:00:53,518 --> 01:00:55,853
Sounds horrible.
It's actually to your benefit.

1280
01:00:56,479 --> 01:00:59,440
That's not your boyfriend
lying next to you.

1281
01:00:59,524 --> 01:01:02,402
That is a husk of a man...

1282
01:01:02,485 --> 01:01:03,611
[laughter]

1283
01:01:03,695 --> 01:01:05,863
- depleted of all bodily fluids...
- [laughter]

1284
01:01:06,739 --> 01:01:10,910
incapable of giving you
the answer you deserve.

1285
01:01:10,993 --> 01:01:14,205
And I get it. You just had sex,
you're feeling great, oxytocin is flowing,

1286
01:01:14,288 --> 01:01:16,874
you just hosted a human being
inside of you...

1287
01:01:17,583 --> 01:01:20,086
You love him
and you wanna talk about the future.

1288
01:01:20,169 --> 01:01:21,754
He can't do it.

1289
01:01:21,838 --> 01:01:25,800
You look at him and say, "What are you
thinking about?" He's laying there, dust.

1290
01:01:25,883 --> 01:01:28,969
[exhales heavily]

1291
01:01:29,052 --> 01:01:30,679
[laughter and applause]

1292
01:01:30,762 --> 01:01:32,681
"Ohh."

1293
01:01:32,764 --> 01:01:35,225
Get him a Gatorade, give him five.

1294
01:01:36,059 --> 01:01:39,229
He can't answer you. You'll be like,
"What are you thinking about?"

1295
01:01:39,312 --> 01:01:43,817
He'll never, ever be like,
"You in a wedding dress."

1296
01:01:43,900 --> 01:01:46,027
[laughter]

1297
01:01:48,155 --> 01:01:52,325
But guys, if you love your girl, check in
with her. Because you're far away.

1298
01:01:52,409 --> 01:01:54,202
She's up there. You're here like,

1299
01:01:54,286 --> 01:01:56,955
"I'm amazing.
I'll bet she fucking loves this."

1300
01:01:57,038 --> 01:02:00,834
And we're down there like,
"I wonder if lavender is in season."

1301
01:02:00,917 --> 01:02:03,503
[laughter]

1302
01:02:03,587 --> 01:02:06,381
[applause]

1303
01:02:06,465 --> 01:02:08,049
Still back there.

1304
01:02:08,759 --> 01:02:10,594
"Siri, is lavender..."

1305
01:02:10,677 --> 01:02:13,847
[laughter]

1306
01:02:13,930 --> 01:02:15,557
"Calling Mom Cell."

1307
01:02:15,640 --> 01:02:17,559
- "No, Siri!"
- [laughter]

1308
01:02:17,642 --> 01:02:19,478
"No!" Snap.

1309
01:02:19,561 --> 01:02:21,061
[laughter]

1310
01:02:23,647 --> 01:02:26,650
The moral of that story is
I was in a relationship

1311
01:02:26,734 --> 01:02:29,236
and I wasn't happy,
so I left the relationship.

1312
01:02:29,320 --> 01:02:31,947
I'm not advocating
for leaving the person you're with.

1313
01:02:32,031 --> 01:02:34,867
What I am advocating for is this.
If you're not happy,

1314
01:02:34,950 --> 01:02:37,953
there's no reason to stay
out of fear of being alone.

1315
01:02:38,537 --> 01:02:40,080
We like to scare women.

1316
01:02:40,164 --> 01:02:43,000
[cheering and applause]

1317
01:02:43,083 --> 01:02:45,252
And I'm sure there are men
that feel this way.

1318
01:02:45,336 --> 01:02:49,256
But we like to scare women when they're
single and we like to be mean to them

1319
01:02:49,340 --> 01:02:52,259
and we label them.
We say mean things to them.

1320
01:02:52,343 --> 01:02:54,804
She's a spinster. Old maid.

1321
01:02:54,887 --> 01:02:57,223
Really involved with animal rescue.

1322
01:02:57,306 --> 01:02:59,600
- We have names like that.
- [laughter]

1323
01:02:59,683 --> 01:03:02,353
And we like to question them,
as if there's something wrong.

1324
01:03:02,436 --> 01:03:03,436
"Why are you single?"

1325
01:03:03,479 --> 01:03:05,981
"Because the last one was a dick
and I'm not stupid."

1326
01:03:06,065 --> 01:03:07,983
Like, that's why you do it.

1327
01:03:08,067 --> 01:03:09,819
[cheering and applause]

1328
01:03:09,902 --> 01:03:11,778
Nobody wakes up married.

1329
01:03:11,861 --> 01:03:14,155
Nobody is born betrothed to someone.

1330
01:03:14,239 --> 01:03:17,200
We have to be kinder to women
and stop doing it.

1331
01:03:17,283 --> 01:03:19,702
And we have the audacity
to have magazines,

1332
01:03:19,786 --> 01:03:22,413
self-help books, articles,
posing the question,

1333
01:03:22,497 --> 01:03:25,792
"You're single. Now what?
You're single. Now what?"

1334
01:03:25,875 --> 01:03:27,418
What do you mean, "Now what?"

1335
01:03:27,502 --> 01:03:29,546
Now I shave off an eyebrow
and take up with wolves.

1336
01:03:29,629 --> 01:03:32,382
What do you mean, "Now what?"
What do you mean, "Now what?"

1337
01:03:32,465 --> 01:03:35,552
I got a mortgage.
How about fuck bitches, get money?

1338
01:03:35,635 --> 01:03:36,469
[cheering]

1339
01:03:36,553 --> 01:03:38,263
It's so stupid.

1340
01:03:38,346 --> 01:03:41,266
[cheering and applause]

1341
01:03:48,314 --> 01:03:52,235
What upsets me is that women
spend so much time and energy

1342
01:03:52,318 --> 01:03:55,864
flogging themselves mentally
for being single,

1343
01:03:55,947 --> 01:03:59,117
and changing and trying different methods
and looking for guys.

1344
01:03:59,200 --> 01:04:01,952
And men don't have to do that.
They have the luxury of relaxing

1345
01:04:02,035 --> 01:04:06,164
because they don't have eggs.
There are no articles in GQ like,

1346
01:04:06,248 --> 01:04:08,834
"You're single. Now what?"
There's none of that.

1347
01:04:09,543 --> 01:04:12,921
The answer would always be, "Now I can
jerk off where I want. No-one bugs me.

1348
01:04:13,005 --> 01:04:14,423
# Sandwich."

1349
01:04:15,090 --> 01:04:17,718
[laughter and applause]

1350
01:04:20,304 --> 01:04:24,099
The good part about traveling for
the last year, I've had time for myself.

1351
01:04:24,182 --> 01:04:25,309
[laughter]

1352
01:04:25,392 --> 01:04:27,144
More time from my research.

1353
01:04:28,020 --> 01:04:30,355
- I don't do research.
- [laughter]

1354
01:04:30,439 --> 01:04:32,441
- I just watch TV.
- [laughter]

1355
01:04:32,524 --> 01:04:35,736
But I wear a lab coat while I do it
for the tax write-off.

1356
01:04:35,819 --> 01:04:37,529
[laughter]

1357
01:04:38,322 --> 01:04:41,658
Before we get out of here,
before we conclude this <i>TED Talk...</i>

1358
01:04:41,742 --> 01:04:44,244
[laughter]

1359
01:04:44,328 --> 01:04:46,747
Does everybody here watch <i>Shark Tank?</i>

1360
01:04:46,830 --> 01:04:49,917
[cheering and applause]

1361
01:04:50,000 --> 01:04:51,376
So...

1362
01:04:53,336 --> 01:04:55,922
All I want, all I want,

1363
01:04:56,005 --> 01:04:58,507
is a live episode of <i>Shark Tank.</i>

1364
01:04:58,591 --> 01:05:01,218
That's what I want. A live episode.

1365
01:05:01,302 --> 01:05:02,887
It's a reality show.

1366
01:05:02,970 --> 01:05:06,432
But if you watch it, you'll notice
it's heavily edited, heavily produced,

1367
01:05:06,515 --> 01:05:08,142
and what bothers me...

1368
01:05:08,935 --> 01:05:12,063
is the presentations from
the entrepreneurs are too polished.

1369
01:05:12,146 --> 01:05:15,900
There's no grit to them. They come out
like a fifth-grade Thanksgiving pageant.

1370
01:05:15,983 --> 01:05:17,818
"The natives called it maize.
We bottled it."

1371
01:05:17,902 --> 01:05:19,820
I don't wanna see that, okay?

1372
01:05:20,404 --> 01:05:21,864
I want to see you mess up.

1373
01:05:21,948 --> 01:05:24,367
I wanna see you trip.
Maybe you forget your words.

1374
01:05:24,450 --> 01:05:29,622
Maybe you chip a tooth. I wanna see you
crumble as an entity before my eyes.

1375
01:05:29,705 --> 01:05:34,669
Only then will I tolerate you rising
from the ashes with any degree of hubris.

1376
01:05:34,752 --> 01:05:37,380
That's the way to consume
American reality TV.

1377
01:05:37,463 --> 01:05:41,008
The sheer <i>schadenfreude </i>of watching
someone shit themselves on TV

1378
01:05:41,092 --> 01:05:44,469
and then building them back up.
That's what we like to see. Okay?

1379
01:05:44,552 --> 01:05:47,138
[cheering and applause]

1380
01:05:47,222 --> 01:05:50,600
These are cattle farmers
from the middle of Iowa

1381
01:05:50,684 --> 01:05:54,145
and they get in front of a camera
and suddenly they're Winston Churchill?

1382
01:05:54,229 --> 01:05:56,189
I don't buy it, okay?

1383
01:05:56,272 --> 01:05:58,900
I speak for a living and even I mess up,

1384
01:05:58,984 --> 01:06:02,070
so there's no way
these two fucking dye jobs from ASU

1385
01:06:02,153 --> 01:06:04,531
with, like, a new take on cookies,
there's no way!

1386
01:06:04,614 --> 01:06:05,657
[laughter]

1387
01:06:05,740 --> 01:06:07,659
Flawlessly orating.

1388
01:06:07,742 --> 01:06:12,122
There are three archetypes of women
that they like to have on <i>Shark Tank.</i>

1389
01:06:12,205 --> 01:06:15,625
They love to have moms,
because most of us have moms.

1390
01:06:15,709 --> 01:06:18,378
[laughter]

1391
01:06:20,255 --> 01:06:22,590
But what's crazy and, like, creepy

1392
01:06:22,674 --> 01:06:25,301
is that all the moms on <i>Shark Tank</i>

1393
01:06:25,385 --> 01:06:27,637
have the exact same voice.

1394
01:06:27,721 --> 01:06:28,638
[laughter]

1395
01:06:28,722 --> 01:06:30,390
It's a little Stepfordian.

1396
01:06:30,473 --> 01:06:32,976
They all sound like this.

1397
01:06:33,059 --> 01:06:35,853
[in perky voice] "Hi, Sharks.
My name's Nancy from Laguna Niguel

1398
01:06:35,936 --> 01:06:39,523
and I've discovered a new way to get
your toddler to eat their blueberries."

1399
01:06:39,606 --> 01:06:40,774
[jabbers]

1400
01:06:40,858 --> 01:06:44,111
[laughter and cheering]

1401
01:06:44,194 --> 01:06:47,072
[cheering and applause]

1402
01:06:47,156 --> 01:06:51,076
Then they have really smart women.
They do. They'll have brilliant women.

1403
01:06:51,160 --> 01:06:54,413
But it seems that the smarter the woman,
the longer the last name.

1404
01:06:54,496 --> 01:06:56,540
Like, they'll hyphenate their last names.

1405
01:06:56,623 --> 01:06:58,500
I can't stand hyphenated last names.

1406
01:06:58,584 --> 01:07:01,962
If you're in this room and you've got
a hyphenated last name, chop it in half!

1407
01:07:02,046 --> 01:07:03,047
[laughter]

1408
01:07:03,130 --> 01:07:05,632
Okay? You're not Spanish royalty. Chop it!

1409
01:07:05,716 --> 01:07:06,717
[laughter]

1410
01:07:06,800 --> 01:07:08,802
I barely care about your first name.

1411
01:07:08,886 --> 01:07:10,471
[laughter]

1412
01:07:10,554 --> 01:07:12,931
Let alone
the entire questionable heritage.

1413
01:07:13,015 --> 01:07:15,476
When you have a hyphenated last name,

1414
01:07:15,559 --> 01:07:18,896
all that makes me think is that
mama was a big old strong lesbian

1415
01:07:18,979 --> 01:07:21,065
and she didn't wanna
give up her family inheritance

1416
01:07:21,148 --> 01:07:24,609
so she begrudgingly married your father,
now they have separate twin beds

1417
01:07:24,692 --> 01:07:27,528
and are co-women's studies professors
at Wellesley.

1418
01:07:27,612 --> 01:07:30,364
[laughter and applause]

1419
01:07:30,448 --> 01:07:32,366
It's also just so much information.

1420
01:07:32,450 --> 01:07:35,912
I'm trying to hear you,
your valuation, listen to the equity,

1421
01:07:35,995 --> 01:07:38,539
and you're coming up there
with a phonebook, like, "Hi, Sharks.

1422
01:07:38,623 --> 01:07:41,084
My name's
Michelle-Lida-Julia Freeman-Cereal."

1423
01:07:41,167 --> 01:07:43,377
"And I'm Rebecca-Lynn-Stacey
Fitzgerald-Yang.

1424
01:07:43,461 --> 01:07:45,755
And together, we sound like five dudes."

1425
01:07:45,838 --> 01:07:49,050
Like, it's a lot... of information.

1426
01:07:49,717 --> 01:07:52,095
Are you inventors or a law firm?
Like, what is that?

1427
01:07:52,178 --> 01:07:53,513
[laughter]

1428
01:07:53,888 --> 01:07:55,556
And then in the final category,

1429
01:07:56,015 --> 01:07:58,309
the toy category, we have the hot women.

1430
01:07:59,310 --> 01:08:01,646
Not attractive. Not cute.

1431
01:08:01,729 --> 01:08:04,732
Fucking hot. Teeth, tan, tits, hair.
"Sharks!"

1432
01:08:04,816 --> 01:08:07,151
[laughter]

1433
01:08:07,235 --> 01:08:10,363
Sometimes they do this.
They'll have very smart woman on the show.

1434
01:08:10,446 --> 01:08:15,242
Sometimes it feels like the hotter
the woman, the dumber the product.

1435
01:08:15,325 --> 01:08:17,786
And I believe it's done
to keep us in line.

1436
01:08:17,869 --> 01:08:22,499
But... a lot of the time, the women's
products have to do with two categories.

1437
01:08:22,582 --> 01:08:24,918
It's either wrangling your femininity.

1438
01:08:25,544 --> 01:08:28,797
"Sharks, it's a flap you put
over your vagina

1439
01:08:28,880 --> 01:08:30,215
so no one knows you have one."

1440
01:08:30,298 --> 01:08:33,927
[laughter]

1441
01:08:34,010 --> 01:08:36,179
"Move through the workplace with ease."

1442
01:08:36,263 --> 01:08:37,430
[laughter]

1443
01:08:37,514 --> 01:08:42,018
Or it's a product so stupid,
it will just confirm

1444
01:08:42,102 --> 01:08:45,772
any preconceived notions you might have
about female intelligence.

1445
01:08:45,856 --> 01:08:50,026
Like, "Sharks, it's a shower cap
that you can wear while you're cooking

1446
01:08:50,110 --> 01:08:52,154
so your hair doesn't smell!"

1447
01:08:52,237 --> 01:08:53,905
[imitates gun firing] No!

1448
01:08:53,989 --> 01:08:56,032
[laughter]

1449
01:08:56,116 --> 01:08:59,786
[applause]

1450
01:09:00,370 --> 01:09:03,039
You just set us back, like, a week
with that shit, Lexi.

1451
01:09:03,123 --> 01:09:04,499
[laughter]

1452
01:09:04,583 --> 01:09:06,625
But that's the one
that I'd like to see live.

1453
01:09:07,126 --> 01:09:08,419
The hot one.

1454
01:09:08,794 --> 01:09:11,630
Because I believe
watching an attractive woman

1455
01:09:11,714 --> 01:09:13,382
mentally unravel...

1456
01:09:13,465 --> 01:09:14,300
[laughter]

1457
01:09:14,383 --> 01:09:18,762
on national television
is the reason we all watch reality TV.

1458
01:09:18,846 --> 01:09:20,347
[laughter]

1459
01:09:20,431 --> 01:09:23,517
"Up next are two sisters
from Scottsdale, Arizona,

1460
01:09:23,601 --> 01:09:26,270
with a new take on popcorn."

1461
01:09:26,353 --> 01:09:28,939
[sings Shark Tank music]

1462
01:09:29,023 --> 01:09:31,525
[laughter]

1463
01:09:33,694 --> 01:09:36,697
[sings Shark Tank music]

1464
01:09:37,656 --> 01:09:38,908
Jiggle, jiggle.

1465
01:09:38,991 --> 01:09:40,743
[laughter]

1466
01:09:42,244 --> 01:09:45,289
"Hi, Sharks! My name's Madison."

1467
01:09:45,372 --> 01:09:47,708
Duh. They're always named Madison, right?

1468
01:09:47,791 --> 01:09:50,085
"And this is my sister, Michaela."

1469
01:09:50,169 --> 01:09:52,421
They're always named Michaela.
Fucking obviously.

1470
01:09:52,504 --> 01:09:56,716
"And together,
we are the inventors, creators

1471
01:09:56,799 --> 01:09:58,676
and CEOs of...

1472
01:10:00,929 --> 01:10:02,847
[whispers] Put your back against mine."

1473
01:10:02,931 --> 01:10:05,350
[laughter]

1474
01:10:14,901 --> 01:10:16,694
"CEOs of...

1475
01:10:17,403 --> 01:10:19,572
[whispers] Put your fucking back
against mine.

1476
01:10:19,989 --> 01:10:23,201
What the fuck are you doing?
What the fuck are you doing?

1477
01:10:24,202 --> 01:10:26,287
We do this then we do the product, yes?

1478
01:10:26,371 --> 01:10:29,666
Oh, my fucking goodness!
We haven't done the product yet.

1479
01:10:29,749 --> 01:10:31,542
We can't. We can't start over.

1480
01:10:31,626 --> 01:10:34,504
That's what that light is.
That's fucking live, bitch. Yes!"

1481
01:10:34,587 --> 01:10:35,630
[laughter]

1482
01:10:35,713 --> 01:10:37,674
"We can't... Can we start over?"
"No."

1483
01:10:37,757 --> 01:10:38,633
"I got nothing."

1484
01:10:38,716 --> 01:10:40,927
[laughter]

1485
01:10:41,010 --> 01:10:43,012
"Oh, my God, I'm not yelling at you!

1486
01:10:43,096 --> 01:10:45,974
I'm not yelling at you.
I'm not making it about me!

1487
01:10:46,057 --> 01:10:49,184
Do not do this here! It's fucking live TV!
I'm not making it about me!

1488
01:10:49,268 --> 01:10:52,771
You're making it about me
making it about you making it about me!

1489
01:10:52,854 --> 01:10:54,856
I am trying to make this... Oh, my God.

1490
01:10:54,940 --> 01:10:58,068
Okay. Just stay there. I will do it.
I will do it. Just stay there.

1491
01:10:58,151 --> 01:11:01,613
It's fine. Stay there. I will handle it.
Stay there, you fucking casualty.

1492
01:11:01,697 --> 01:11:03,782
Okay, the other day,

1493
01:11:03,865 --> 01:11:07,160
my sister and I were at home
eating popcorn and crying,

1494
01:11:07,244 --> 01:11:09,746
and we got down to the bottom of the bag.

1495
01:11:09,830 --> 01:11:13,166
And, shake, shake, shake,
what was left at the bottom?

1496
01:11:13,250 --> 01:11:14,960
All the unpopped kernels.

1497
01:11:15,043 --> 01:11:18,630
That's when my sister and I
decided that we should...

1498
01:11:20,340 --> 01:11:22,509
Put your fucking back..."

1499
01:11:22,592 --> 01:11:24,303
[laughter and applause]

1500
01:11:24,386 --> 01:11:25,887
"Against mine.

1501
01:11:25,971 --> 01:11:27,681
Put your fucking back against mine!

1502
01:11:27,764 --> 01:11:30,809
What the fuck are you doing?
I am trying... No! No!

1503
01:11:30,892 --> 01:11:33,145
You're not gonna fucking do this
to me again!

1504
01:11:33,228 --> 01:11:36,732
I am trying to keep this family together!
Do you not understand that?

1505
01:11:36,815 --> 01:11:38,441
No, this is not about me!

1506
01:11:38,524 --> 01:11:41,235
I am trying to help!
This is nothing like when Daddy died!

1507
01:11:41,319 --> 01:11:42,695
You are being a bitch!

1508
01:11:42,778 --> 01:11:44,572
I am trying to keep this family...

1509
01:11:44,655 --> 01:11:47,116
She does this! She does this every time!

1510
01:11:47,199 --> 01:11:49,702
Everybody's gonna know
that you're a fucking...

1511
01:11:49,785 --> 01:11:53,331
I wasn't flirting with your husband!
You are so fucking insecure!

1512
01:11:53,414 --> 01:11:55,458
Because I slept with your boyfriend
in high school

1513
01:11:55,541 --> 01:11:57,001
and he turned out to be gay!

1514
01:11:57,084 --> 01:11:59,170
No, it wasn't your fault!
Big fucking deal!

1515
01:11:59,253 --> 01:12:01,047
He wanted to talk about your birthday

1516
01:12:01,130 --> 01:12:04,550
so that fucking Michaela could turn 40
for the third time!

1517
01:12:04,633 --> 01:12:06,719
You're a fucking bitch! I need a minute!

1518
01:12:06,802 --> 01:12:09,180
I need a fucking minute! I need...

1519
01:12:09,263 --> 01:12:11,265
I need a Madison minute! Hold on!

1520
01:12:12,475 --> 01:12:14,935
[sniffs] I'm fucking good.
I'm fucking good!

1521
01:12:15,019 --> 01:12:17,605
Let's fucking do it! You wanna go?

1522
01:12:17,688 --> 01:12:19,732
Shit. I don't care. I am trying....

1523
01:12:19,815 --> 01:12:23,694
I am not... I can't. I can't. Why are
the walls bleeding? I can't do this.

1524
01:12:23,778 --> 01:12:25,780
I can't fucking do this. I can't do it.

1525
01:12:25,863 --> 01:12:28,532
You being a... I shit. I shit my pants.

1526
01:12:28,615 --> 01:12:32,118
Oh, good news. It's not shit. It's blood!
It's blood, you fucking monster!

1527
01:12:32,202 --> 01:12:35,872
I am trying... I can't... No.
You know what? I am keeping it together.

1528
01:12:35,955 --> 01:12:39,000
I am the stable one!
I am keeping it... I am not...

1529
01:12:39,084 --> 01:12:41,669
I am not yelling!
I am not yelling. I am not yelling.

1530
01:12:41,753 --> 01:12:44,798
Huh? What? Yes, it's a hive.
This happens.

1531
01:12:45,632 --> 01:12:48,718
It happens every time you open
your fucking whore mouth! Yes, I know!

1532
01:12:48,802 --> 01:12:50,637
And I'm trying...

1533
01:12:50,720 --> 01:12:53,306
I'm a good feminist.
I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry.

1534
01:12:53,390 --> 01:12:54,432
I'm sorry!

1535
01:12:54,516 --> 01:12:56,851
I'm sorry! My tan is dripping off.

1536
01:12:56,935 --> 01:12:58,436
I am not..."

1537
01:12:58,520 --> 01:13:00,647
[hyperventilates]

1538
01:13:00,730 --> 01:13:02,107
"I am not...

1539
01:13:02,190 --> 01:13:05,318
I am not... [exhales]
I am not yelling. I am not yelling!

1540
01:13:05,402 --> 01:13:07,612
- I am using..."
- [laughter]

1541
01:13:07,695 --> 01:13:09,531
"I am using the vocabulary

1542
01:13:09,614 --> 01:13:11,658
that Dr. Goldstein told us to use."

1543
01:13:11,741 --> 01:13:12,575
[laughter]

1544
01:13:12,659 --> 01:13:15,495
"I am requesting..."

1545
01:13:16,079 --> 01:13:17,664
[screams]

1546
01:13:17,747 --> 01:13:19,289
"that you....

1547
01:13:19,873 --> 01:13:21,834
hear... my..."

1548
01:13:22,751 --> 01:13:24,878
[laughter]

1549
01:13:24,962 --> 01:13:28,257
"desire... to communicate...

1550
01:13:28,340 --> 01:13:30,467
in an open way...

1551
01:13:31,176 --> 01:13:33,095
and put your fucking back against mine!

1552
01:13:33,178 --> 01:13:36,265
She's ruining it!
She's ruining everything!"

1553
01:13:36,348 --> 01:13:39,893
[hyperventilates]

1554
01:13:39,977 --> 01:13:42,354
"She's ruining it. This is a big deal.

1555
01:13:42,438 --> 01:13:45,315
We put everything...
We put everything into this company!"

1556
01:13:45,399 --> 01:13:48,110
"Did you really?" "No, but my mom did."

1557
01:13:48,193 --> 01:13:49,736
[laughter]

1558
01:13:49,820 --> 01:13:52,573
"I am trying to keep it together.
Everybody depends on me

1559
01:13:52,656 --> 01:13:56,869
because we spent all of our money
on our first company and it shat the bed."

1560
01:13:56,952 --> 01:14:00,080
"What was your first company?"
"I'm gonna tell them."

1561
01:14:00,164 --> 01:14:01,915
[laughter]

1562
01:14:01,999 --> 01:14:04,168
"I'm gonna tell them
and you're gonna look like

1563
01:14:04,251 --> 01:14:08,380
the fucking psycho bitch that you are.
Everyone's gonna know. I'm gonna...

1564
01:14:08,464 --> 01:14:11,841
I'm gonna tell the cameras.
Is this camera still on? Good."

1565
01:14:11,924 --> 01:14:14,135
[laughter]

1566
01:14:16,304 --> 01:14:19,515
[laughter]

1567
01:14:20,683 --> 01:14:22,101
"Fuck you."

1568
01:14:22,185 --> 01:14:24,729
[laughter]

1569
01:14:25,938 --> 01:14:27,565
"Do you remember when...

1570
01:14:28,733 --> 01:14:32,236
Um... Fuck, it's, like,
stuck right here in my nose."

1571
01:14:32,320 --> 01:14:34,030
[sniffs and gasps]

1572
01:14:34,113 --> 01:14:36,157
- [laughter]
- "Uhh!

1573
01:14:36,949 --> 01:14:40,786
Do you remember when, um,
our country went through a recession,

1574
01:14:40,870 --> 01:14:45,041
and everybody was losing their homes
and their money?

1575
01:14:45,124 --> 01:14:48,628
My sister and I decided that rather
than save up or go back to school,

1576
01:14:48,711 --> 01:14:51,839
we would do what every other girl
without a marketable skill did,

1577
01:14:51,923 --> 01:14:55,760
we... opened up a cupcake company."

1578
01:14:56,302 --> 01:14:58,513
[laughter]

1579
01:14:58,596 --> 01:15:02,015
[cheering and applause]

1580
01:15:03,683 --> 01:15:06,728
"I don't know if you noticed,
but during the recession,

1581
01:15:06,811 --> 01:15:09,814
there was a fucking boom
in the confection industry!

1582
01:15:09,898 --> 01:15:13,026
That's because it doesn't take
a fucking rocket science degree

1583
01:15:13,109 --> 01:15:15,111
to shit out, like, an okay cupcake.

1584
01:15:15,195 --> 01:15:17,614
And, like,
no one's gonna say no to a cupcake.

1585
01:15:17,697 --> 01:15:20,617
People will spend their last dollar.
They're not gonna be like, "No,"

1586
01:15:20,700 --> 01:15:23,328
they'll be like,
"A cupcake. My day's okay for a minute."

1587
01:15:23,411 --> 01:15:25,539
And we were feeding people these cupcakes

1588
01:15:25,622 --> 01:15:27,999
and they were upside-down on their houses

1589
01:15:28,083 --> 01:15:31,253
and they were jobless and we were feeding
these depressed people cupcakes.

1590
01:15:31,336 --> 01:15:33,964
And it's a scientific fact
that obesity and depression

1591
01:15:34,047 --> 01:15:37,300
have a direct correlation, and we were
just feeding the belly of the beast

1592
01:15:37,384 --> 01:15:40,262
from within the belly of the beast
and capitalizing off of it.

1593
01:15:40,345 --> 01:15:43,890
People needed answers.
They needed a viable option for credit,

1594
01:15:43,974 --> 01:15:48,019
not a buttercream... Put your fucking back
against mine! I swear to Christ, Michaela,

1595
01:15:48,103 --> 01:15:50,355
if you ruin this for me,
I will fuck your husband!

1596
01:15:50,438 --> 01:15:53,065
Screw it! Cut!
I should've been a mermaid!"

1597
01:15:54,275 --> 01:15:58,070
[cheering and applause]

1598
01:16:08,247 --> 01:16:11,208
[dance music]

1599
01:17:07,597 --> 01:17:08,973
<i>Pack your hip!</i>