1 00:01:14,706 --> 00:01:16,230 We're cleaning the house, baby. 2 00:01:17,108 --> 00:01:19,042 Pick him up. I got him. I got him. 3 00:01:20,278 --> 00:01:21,336 Yeah! 4 00:01:21,413 --> 00:01:22,641 Nice shot. He got lucky. 5 00:01:22,714 --> 00:01:24,648 Nice pass. Here we go. Ball. 6 00:01:25,016 --> 00:01:26,347 I got him. 7 00:01:26,885 --> 00:01:28,182 Don't let him shoot it! 8 00:01:29,454 --> 00:01:31,422 Come on, come on! Put it up, Chuck! 9 00:01:31,489 --> 00:01:34,356 Oh, yeah. Chuck, my man. All day, all day! 10 00:01:35,427 --> 00:01:36,587 Yeah, Tony! 11 00:01:36,661 --> 00:01:37,992 Tony, tag him. 12 00:01:38,530 --> 00:01:39,656 Good steal. 13 00:01:39,731 --> 00:01:40,959 Take the ball. Take the ball. 14 00:01:41,032 --> 00:01:42,032 Come on! 15 00:01:42,367 --> 00:01:43,493 Yeah! 16 00:01:44,269 --> 00:01:45,930 Come on, come on. Come on. 17 00:01:46,972 --> 00:01:48,269 Feel the power! 18 00:01:48,340 --> 00:01:49,398 Foul! Foul! 19 00:01:49,474 --> 00:01:50,566 That wasn't a foul. 20 00:01:50,642 --> 00:01:52,041 Chuck! Shoot. That's it! 21 00:01:52,110 --> 00:01:53,805 Chuck! Shoot it, man! 22 00:01:54,446 --> 00:01:57,176 Chuck! Chuck! I need to talk to you! 23 00:01:57,682 --> 00:02:00,810 Hey, Darla, what's the matter with you? You sound so upset. 24 00:02:00,885 --> 00:02:04,252 You slept with my twin sister on Saturday. That's why I'm so upset! 25 00:02:04,322 --> 00:02:05,687 How do you know for sure it wasn't you? 26 00:02:05,757 --> 00:02:07,554 'Cause I wasn't there. 27 00:02:07,626 --> 00:02:09,321 It sure looked like you were there to me. 28 00:02:09,394 --> 00:02:10,725 Oh, he's dead. 29 00:02:10,795 --> 00:02:13,889 Come on, let's figure this out together. This is a tricky situation. 30 00:02:13,965 --> 00:02:16,433 Do me a favor. Say, "Oh, Chuck, keep buttering my biscuit." 31 00:02:16,501 --> 00:02:17,525 Get out of here. 32 00:02:17,602 --> 00:02:20,435 No, I'm trying to do detective work here, so we can both be happy. 33 00:02:20,505 --> 00:02:22,996 I'm confused, too. I feel violated! 34 00:02:23,341 --> 00:02:27,471 Chuck, keep buttering my biscuit. 35 00:02:27,979 --> 00:02:29,879 You're right, that wasn't you. 36 00:02:29,948 --> 00:02:31,643 You are such a loser, Chuck! 37 00:02:31,716 --> 00:02:33,047 Let it go, Darla. 38 00:02:33,118 --> 00:02:34,380 Hey, look who's here. 39 00:02:34,452 --> 00:02:37,046 He has moved up from Marshalls to Bloomingdale's. 40 00:02:37,122 --> 00:02:39,682 He didn't even know it was you that night, Donna! 41 00:02:39,758 --> 00:02:41,158 That's a joke! He thought it was me! 42 00:02:41,192 --> 00:02:42,284 He knew it wasn't you 43 00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:44,521 because you would never do half the freaky stuff that we did! 44 00:02:44,596 --> 00:02:45,893 Don't tell me I don't know how to satisfy a man! 45 00:02:45,964 --> 00:02:47,124 You show up here in your... 46 00:02:47,198 --> 00:02:48,563 You shut your mouth, you fat-ass! 47 00:02:49,267 --> 00:02:50,894 Whoa, whoa. Hey, girls, look, come on. 48 00:02:50,969 --> 00:02:53,028 Now, don't fight, you two. You're sisters. 49 00:02:53,104 --> 00:02:54,465 Give each other a kiss and make up. 50 00:02:54,506 --> 00:02:57,669 You're the only sisters you got. Use your tongues. 51 00:02:57,742 --> 00:02:59,073 You dare us to? 52 00:02:59,144 --> 00:03:01,510 Unless that's too freaky for Darla over here. 53 00:03:01,846 --> 00:03:06,408 You'd be surprised just how freaky I can get. 54 00:03:06,718 --> 00:03:09,812 I'm sorry, right now you gotta prove it to me. 55 00:03:09,888 --> 00:03:12,015 Come forward. That's right. 56 00:03:17,696 --> 00:03:18,924 Saved by the bell, girls. Yeah. 57 00:03:20,098 --> 00:03:22,498 Hear the bell, gentlemen? Let's go! Time to make a living! 58 00:03:22,567 --> 00:03:24,933 Somewhere something is burning! 59 00:03:30,575 --> 00:03:31,667 What we got? 60 00:03:31,743 --> 00:03:34,507 <i>Both companies, first due, phone alarm. Prospect Place...</i> 61 00:03:34,579 --> 00:03:38,174 Larry, Larry, let's go. All right, somebody call Larry a cab. 62 00:03:38,249 --> 00:03:39,546 Shut up. 63 00:03:39,651 --> 00:03:40,879 Fat-ass! 64 00:03:44,556 --> 00:03:47,719 Chuck, you said you were gonna sign Mr. February for me! 65 00:03:47,792 --> 00:03:50,317 I will. I just gotta go save the city first. 66 00:03:50,395 --> 00:03:51,516 I'll call you! I'll call you! 67 00:03:51,529 --> 00:03:52,757 No, I'm gonna call him! 68 00:03:52,831 --> 00:03:54,264 No, I'm gonna call him! 69 00:03:58,837 --> 00:04:00,429 Hey, who's this guy? 70 00:04:00,505 --> 00:04:03,906 He's a transfer from Engine Company 12. Name's Duncan. 71 00:04:03,975 --> 00:04:06,034 They say he put his captain through a wall. 72 00:04:06,111 --> 00:04:07,339 For what? 73 00:04:07,412 --> 00:04:09,277 Don't know. Don't want to know. 74 00:04:09,347 --> 00:04:11,611 And my advice, don't ask him. 75 00:04:12,083 --> 00:04:13,380 Hey, you. 76 00:04:14,219 --> 00:04:18,121 My friend Karl here says you're an ax murderer. Is that true? 77 00:04:18,556 --> 00:04:21,389 See, you're wrong, Karl. This is Karl, by the way. 78 00:04:21,459 --> 00:04:25,225 He lives at 845 Rutland Road, Apartment 4C. Right? 79 00:04:40,311 --> 00:04:41,869 Four floors fully involved. 80 00:04:41,946 --> 00:04:43,586 Be nice to have some more ladders up here. 81 00:04:43,648 --> 00:04:44,672 Going in alive. 82 00:04:44,749 --> 00:04:46,740 Coming out the same way. Let's go. 83 00:04:47,051 --> 00:04:48,643 Help me! 84 00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:51,484 Please! My son is up there! 85 00:04:51,556 --> 00:04:52,580 - My baby! - All right. 86 00:04:52,657 --> 00:04:53,749 All right, all right, we'll get your baby. 87 00:04:53,825 --> 00:04:54,814 Bernie! We'll get your baby. 88 00:04:54,893 --> 00:04:56,690 - My baby Bernie! Please! - Calm down, calm down. 89 00:04:56,761 --> 00:04:57,801 - Please! - It's all right. 90 00:04:59,097 --> 00:05:01,177 Chuck, you got the keys. Use them. You got it, Chief. 91 00:05:01,199 --> 00:05:02,530 All right. 92 00:05:04,369 --> 00:05:06,064 Thing's a pain in my ass. 93 00:05:08,239 --> 00:05:09,536 It's open. 94 00:05:09,607 --> 00:05:10,904 Show off. 95 00:05:13,545 --> 00:05:16,013 Bernie! Bernie! 96 00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:17,513 I'm up here! 97 00:05:17,582 --> 00:05:18,708 Hang in there, little man! 98 00:05:18,783 --> 00:05:20,250 Hurry! 99 00:05:20,318 --> 00:05:21,478 Up the stairs. 100 00:05:21,553 --> 00:05:22,577 Let me hear that voice! 101 00:05:22,654 --> 00:05:23,854 I'm up here in my room! 102 00:05:23,855 --> 00:05:25,482 All right, try and stay calm. Come on. 103 00:05:32,096 --> 00:05:33,927 Where you at, buddy? Hey! 104 00:05:33,998 --> 00:05:35,329 Let's hear that voice! 105 00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:37,129 I'm over here! 106 00:05:41,639 --> 00:05:44,164 All right, let's find a new way in. 107 00:05:47,912 --> 00:05:49,106 Help me. 108 00:05:51,249 --> 00:05:52,443 Yes! 109 00:05:52,684 --> 00:05:54,345 All right, all right. 110 00:05:54,419 --> 00:05:56,353 Oh, thank God! 111 00:05:56,421 --> 00:05:58,446 Holy Shamu. 112 00:05:58,523 --> 00:06:01,083 I'm sorry. I can't get out of bed. 113 00:06:01,159 --> 00:06:02,683 There's a bed under there? 114 00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:04,455 Can you walk at all? 115 00:06:04,529 --> 00:06:06,360 I haven't walked in five years! 116 00:06:06,431 --> 00:06:09,423 All right, maybe if we strap a rocket ship on this guy, we'll get him out of here. 117 00:06:09,500 --> 00:06:12,333 No, no, we can do this. People lift cars. It's adrenaline, you know? 118 00:06:12,403 --> 00:06:14,530 Well, cars. This guy's more like a freaking minivan. 119 00:06:14,606 --> 00:06:16,574 Hey, buddy, we're gonna help you out of here. Come on. 120 00:06:16,641 --> 00:06:17,972 - How's my mom? - Your ma? 121 00:06:18,042 --> 00:06:20,875 If she survived the birthing process, nothing's gonna take her down. 122 00:06:20,945 --> 00:06:22,435 So, what, just grab a side, Chuck, come on. 123 00:06:22,513 --> 00:06:23,639 Get a side there. What do you mean, get him? 124 00:06:23,715 --> 00:06:24,739 What are we gonna do here? Come on, just... 125 00:06:24,816 --> 00:06:26,613 Come on. Come on! We can't budge this fatso. 126 00:06:26,684 --> 00:06:28,675 I know, let me chop him up. We'll take him down in pieces. 127 00:06:28,753 --> 00:06:29,753 What? I'm kidding you. 128 00:06:29,821 --> 00:06:31,584 We gotta hurry up here. Let's go. All right, all right. 129 00:06:31,656 --> 00:06:32,680 Just grab the back of our coats. 130 00:06:32,757 --> 00:06:34,520 Turn around, Chuck. Grab the back. Okay. All right. 131 00:06:34,592 --> 00:06:37,220 Hey, hey, did you start this fire by lighting one of your farts? 132 00:06:37,295 --> 00:06:38,319 That's funny. 133 00:06:38,396 --> 00:06:39,988 Hold on to our coats. Hold on. Start running! 134 00:06:40,064 --> 00:06:41,088 Go! 135 00:06:47,338 --> 00:06:48,566 Go! 136 00:06:53,711 --> 00:06:55,474 I'm running, Mama! 137 00:06:55,546 --> 00:06:57,138 I'm running like the wind! 138 00:06:57,215 --> 00:06:59,240 Slow down! Slow down! 139 00:07:05,657 --> 00:07:06,885 Mama! 140 00:07:19,337 --> 00:07:21,862 Chuck! Chuck, are you all right? 141 00:07:25,777 --> 00:07:26,903 Thank God. 142 00:07:35,653 --> 00:07:40,056 Oh, my God! Oh, sweet Lord. Broccoli. Oh, my God! 143 00:07:42,393 --> 00:07:45,328 They saved me, those two. Yeah, they're my heroes. 144 00:07:45,396 --> 00:07:46,829 I like you. I love you! 145 00:07:46,898 --> 00:07:49,594 Oh, get me a hero! I'm starving! 146 00:07:49,667 --> 00:07:51,726 Oh, get me out of here! Bring me to a deli! 147 00:07:51,803 --> 00:07:53,168 So, how are the kids doing? 148 00:07:53,237 --> 00:07:55,228 Oh, Tori, she's great, man. 149 00:07:55,306 --> 00:07:57,866 She's playing soccer, scoring goals. 150 00:07:57,976 --> 00:07:59,568 - It's awesome. - My man Eric? 151 00:07:59,811 --> 00:08:01,335 Is he starting Little League yet? 152 00:08:01,412 --> 00:08:04,973 Yeah. I don't think that's happening. 153 00:08:05,283 --> 00:08:06,443 Why not? 154 00:08:06,584 --> 00:08:11,521 <i>♪ May, me, my, mo, mo ♪ ♪ Mo, me, my, mo, may. ♪</i> 155 00:08:11,589 --> 00:08:13,580 Okay, Eric? That's enough. 156 00:08:13,658 --> 00:08:15,148 Sit down and get ready for dinner. 157 00:08:15,226 --> 00:08:16,420 Okay. 158 00:08:16,494 --> 00:08:19,895 Dad, you smell like smoke. Did you put out a fire? 159 00:08:20,398 --> 00:08:22,161 I wasn't roasting marshmallows. 160 00:08:22,233 --> 00:08:24,793 - That's so cool. - You're so cool. 161 00:08:26,704 --> 00:08:27,904 Could you help me out, Teresa, 162 00:08:27,939 --> 00:08:29,839 and just grab that spaghetti sauce out of the microwave? 163 00:08:29,907 --> 00:08:31,431 No. I have sub-train. 164 00:08:31,509 --> 00:08:32,601 Would you please? 165 00:08:32,677 --> 00:08:35,168 I just need a hand. I don't really know what I'm doing here. 166 00:08:35,246 --> 00:08:37,806 Is last train for 15 minutes. 167 00:08:38,983 --> 00:08:41,781 All right, you can go. Oh, God. 168 00:08:44,122 --> 00:08:45,453 Oh, God. 169 00:08:52,730 --> 00:08:55,597 There we are, Bolognese. 170 00:08:55,666 --> 00:08:57,896 Looks more like bowl of shit. 171 00:08:57,969 --> 00:09:00,437 Yeah, thanks for all your help, Teresa. 172 00:09:00,505 --> 00:09:04,908 Okay, guys, so what is new? 173 00:09:04,976 --> 00:09:08,070 <i>I'm auditioning for the school musical, Pippin.</i> 174 00:09:08,613 --> 00:09:13,243 You... You like that, huh? The musical thing. 175 00:09:13,317 --> 00:09:16,047 Yeah, I love it. I think it's my calling. 176 00:09:16,254 --> 00:09:18,119 That's what you said about hopscotch. 177 00:09:18,189 --> 00:09:21,249 You're just jealous 'cause I can do the splits. 178 00:09:25,930 --> 00:09:28,023 Isn't that supposed to hurt his testicles? 179 00:09:28,099 --> 00:09:29,191 Yes. 180 00:09:29,267 --> 00:09:30,307 You, don't talk like that. 181 00:09:30,334 --> 00:09:32,894 You, get back in your chair and finish your hot dog salad. 182 00:09:33,137 --> 00:09:35,367 <i>...guy really wants to take the ball every day,</i> 183 00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:37,101 <i>and going right back out there.</i> 184 00:09:37,175 --> 00:09:38,870 <i>And hits one to deep left field!</i> 185 00:09:38,943 --> 00:09:41,434 <i>Dunn back, and it's out of here!</i> 186 00:09:41,512 --> 00:09:44,310 <i>And the Mets now have a six to two lead.</i> 187 00:09:44,816 --> 00:09:45,816 Oh, boy. 188 00:09:47,985 --> 00:09:49,043 Brownies are ready. 189 00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:50,747 Would you stop using my Easy-Bake Oven? 190 00:09:50,822 --> 00:09:52,483 But I like to bake. 191 00:09:52,557 --> 00:09:53,581 Guys, would you settle? 192 00:09:53,658 --> 00:09:55,378 Eric, why don't you watch the Met game, huh? 193 00:09:55,393 --> 00:09:57,418 <i>Welcome to the Municipal Employee and Planning Department.</i> 194 00:09:57,495 --> 00:09:58,655 <i>Please tell me your name.</i> 195 00:09:58,729 --> 00:10:01,027 Larry Valentine. 196 00:10:01,099 --> 00:10:03,567 <i>I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that.</i> 197 00:10:03,634 --> 00:10:06,228 Larry Valentine. 198 00:10:06,838 --> 00:10:09,932 <i>You said, "Barry Schmalenpime." Is that right?</i> 199 00:10:10,007 --> 00:10:11,565 Schmalenpime? 200 00:10:11,642 --> 00:10:13,667 <i>You said, "Schmalenpime." Is that right?</i> 201 00:10:13,744 --> 00:10:15,769 I was enunciating. 202 00:10:15,847 --> 00:10:18,213 <i>You said, "I was enunciating." Is that right?</i> 203 00:10:18,282 --> 00:10:19,306 Whoo! 204 00:10:19,383 --> 00:10:22,045 <i>You said, "Whoo!" Is that right?</i> 205 00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:25,385 Dad, you have to try my brownies. They're fabulous! 206 00:10:26,724 --> 00:10:29,659 Enough with the splits! Watch baseball! 207 00:10:33,331 --> 00:10:37,199 Then it took 45 minutes for this robot to stop calling me "Dairy." 208 00:10:37,268 --> 00:10:39,702 And then it starts asking me if I'm calling from "Gooklyn." 209 00:10:39,770 --> 00:10:43,331 Look, all I'm trying to do is change my beneficiary from my wife to my kids. 210 00:10:43,407 --> 00:10:46,774 Okay, you would have to file a request to do that. 211 00:10:47,411 --> 00:10:49,140 Great. Let's do it. 212 00:10:49,747 --> 00:10:50,839 That's gonna take a while. 213 00:10:51,482 --> 00:10:53,202 Look, lady, I don't have a while, all right? 214 00:10:53,217 --> 00:10:55,276 I'm a fireman. I could die tomorrow. 215 00:10:55,820 --> 00:10:58,846 I guess if that happened, you would be burned. 216 00:10:59,557 --> 00:11:00,757 Are you trying to make a funny? 217 00:11:00,758 --> 00:11:02,692 Sort of. 218 00:11:03,528 --> 00:11:06,929 Anyhooser, beneficiaries can only be changed for three events. 219 00:11:06,998 --> 00:11:08,625 Births, deaths and marriages. 220 00:11:08,699 --> 00:11:12,135 According to our records, we did contact you when your wife passed away. 221 00:11:12,203 --> 00:11:15,263 You had a year. You should have responded. 222 00:11:15,773 --> 00:11:18,674 Like a crazy person, I was busy mourning the death of my wife. 223 00:11:19,710 --> 00:11:21,439 Off the record. 224 00:11:21,512 --> 00:11:23,639 I could suggest something that's a little more simple 225 00:11:23,714 --> 00:11:26,774 and perhaps more fulfilling to speed things up. 226 00:11:26,851 --> 00:11:29,012 That would be great. What do... What do you got? 227 00:11:29,086 --> 00:11:30,485 Should you remarry, 228 00:11:30,555 --> 00:11:34,616 your new wife at that time could be named your primary beneficiary. 229 00:11:34,692 --> 00:11:37,320 So if there's somebody special in your life, 230 00:11:37,395 --> 00:11:41,024 I mean, who knows, maybe even someone you just met, 231 00:11:41,098 --> 00:11:43,828 and you are ready to make a commitment, 232 00:11:45,136 --> 00:11:46,296 maybe now's the time. 233 00:11:50,841 --> 00:11:52,365 Let's go crazy. 234 00:12:10,194 --> 00:12:12,025 Look how pretty she is. 235 00:12:12,096 --> 00:12:13,723 - Going in alive. - Coming out the same way. 236 00:12:13,798 --> 00:12:14,856 All right, baby. 237 00:12:14,932 --> 00:12:16,024 Come on, bud. 238 00:12:20,104 --> 00:12:22,698 Levine, Valentine, can we finish this secondary search 239 00:12:22,773 --> 00:12:24,741 so I can get home to my wife and be denied sex? 240 00:12:24,809 --> 00:12:26,970 Yeah. Absolutely. 241 00:12:30,514 --> 00:12:32,505 So he's auditioning for a musical? 242 00:12:32,583 --> 00:12:34,175 <i>Yeah, Pippin.</i> 243 00:12:34,252 --> 00:12:36,720 <i>Pippen? That ain't so bad. Is it about Scottie Pippen?</i> 244 00:12:36,787 --> 00:12:39,483 I don't know. He practices singing a lot. 245 00:12:39,557 --> 00:12:41,149 Hey, Sinatra sang a lot. 246 00:12:41,225 --> 00:12:42,817 Yeah, that's true. 247 00:12:42,893 --> 00:12:43,917 Better than dancing. 248 00:12:43,995 --> 00:12:47,055 Yeah, it's just when I was his age, all I did was sports, you know? 249 00:12:47,131 --> 00:12:50,294 Maybe they'll make skipping an Olympic event. There's still hope. 250 00:12:50,368 --> 00:12:51,801 Come on, man, I don't have enough problems? 251 00:12:51,869 --> 00:12:53,734 Baton swallowing. I bet he'd be great at that. 252 00:12:53,804 --> 00:12:55,362 Yeah. You're an idiot. 253 00:12:55,439 --> 00:12:57,031 I'm just busting your balls. Come on. 254 00:12:57,108 --> 00:13:00,134 Ladder 223, roof. Secondary search negative. 255 00:13:00,211 --> 00:13:01,735 Going upstairs. 256 00:13:01,812 --> 00:13:04,042 At least the whole pension thing's working out for you, buddy. 257 00:13:04,115 --> 00:13:06,174 Yeah. Hey, you know what? Why don't you come back down here? 258 00:13:06,250 --> 00:13:08,582 I'll stick this pole up your ass, turn you into a lollipop. 259 00:13:08,653 --> 00:13:10,314 You talking to me or your son? 260 00:13:10,388 --> 00:13:12,879 Get down here now! I'll give you an ass-beating! 261 00:13:12,957 --> 00:13:14,686 I will destroy you! 262 00:13:18,596 --> 00:13:21,895 Hey, Larry, good news. I found you something to eat. 263 00:13:22,466 --> 00:13:23,990 Cool, man. I will devour that. 264 00:13:24,068 --> 00:13:25,092 You what? 265 00:13:25,169 --> 00:13:27,433 All right, I'll give you 1,000 bucks you eat this thing's head. 266 00:13:27,505 --> 00:13:30,668 For 1,000 bucks, I'll start at the ass and work my way to the head. 267 00:13:30,741 --> 00:13:31,935 This I gotta see, baby. 268 00:13:32,009 --> 00:13:33,101 Come on. 269 00:13:33,177 --> 00:13:34,508 Nothing but net. 270 00:13:34,578 --> 00:13:35,636 Here you go, buddy. 271 00:13:37,048 --> 00:13:38,276 Chuck! 272 00:13:39,050 --> 00:13:41,018 Larry! Chuck! 273 00:13:41,085 --> 00:13:44,543 Mayday! Mayday! Ladder 223, firefighter down. 274 00:13:44,622 --> 00:13:47,284 Holy shit! I dropped the rat, dude. 275 00:13:47,358 --> 00:13:49,417 We'll have to do that another time. 276 00:13:49,493 --> 00:13:52,223 That's all right, buddy. Just relax. Stay calm. 277 00:13:53,964 --> 00:13:56,592 This thing's gonna break, man. Get the hell out of here! 278 00:13:56,667 --> 00:14:00,535 No! Hey, man, we came in alive, we're going out the same way. Come on! 279 00:14:00,604 --> 00:14:02,231 No! No! 280 00:14:02,673 --> 00:14:03,935 I got you! 281 00:14:06,277 --> 00:14:08,074 We got them over here! 282 00:14:09,180 --> 00:14:10,613 Chuck! Come on, man. 283 00:14:10,681 --> 00:14:12,046 Heads up! Chuck. 284 00:14:15,252 --> 00:14:18,244 Urgent! Urgent! Two members down! 285 00:14:23,794 --> 00:14:25,159 Mr. Levine? 286 00:14:26,831 --> 00:14:28,298 Mr. Levine? 287 00:14:29,633 --> 00:14:31,658 Do you know where you are? 288 00:14:32,136 --> 00:14:35,196 Am I in a Mötley Crüe video? 'Cause you're hot. 289 00:14:36,841 --> 00:14:38,399 Honey, how's my buddy doing? 290 00:14:38,776 --> 00:14:40,038 Honey? 291 00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:44,471 We're expecting a full recovery. 292 00:14:44,548 --> 00:14:47,642 And, Mr. Levine, please address me as "Doctor." 293 00:14:48,285 --> 00:14:50,810 Dr. Honey. Yeah, okay, you got it. 294 00:14:52,890 --> 00:14:55,882 Chuck. What's going on, man? 295 00:14:56,660 --> 00:14:58,560 Brace yourself, Larry. 296 00:14:59,029 --> 00:15:01,759 What I'm gonna tell you is pretty rough. 297 00:15:02,299 --> 00:15:05,928 They removed your entire body. 298 00:15:06,804 --> 00:15:09,034 You're nothing but a head now. 299 00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:10,840 What? 300 00:15:10,908 --> 00:15:14,537 They said that there was enough fat in your head to rebuild you a new body, 301 00:15:14,612 --> 00:15:17,206 so they got scientists in the other room working on it. 302 00:15:17,281 --> 00:15:18,976 God willing, you're gonna be all right. 303 00:15:19,049 --> 00:15:20,641 You know, you're such a dick. 304 00:15:20,718 --> 00:15:23,710 What's going on is you saved my life, man. 305 00:15:23,788 --> 00:15:25,949 I would've died if you didn't do what you did. 306 00:15:26,023 --> 00:15:27,957 Would you stop being so melodramatic? 307 00:15:28,025 --> 00:15:30,425 No. I owe you. That's the code. 308 00:15:30,494 --> 00:15:32,428 Whatever you want, whenever you want it. 309 00:15:32,496 --> 00:15:33,986 Whatever, whenever. 310 00:15:34,632 --> 00:15:36,327 - Whatever? - Yes. 311 00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:37,424 I'll take that rat. 312 00:15:37,501 --> 00:15:39,628 You want to find that rat for me? 'Cause I'm hungry as hell. 313 00:15:39,703 --> 00:15:41,534 Hi, Dad. Eric. 314 00:15:41,605 --> 00:15:43,596 Tori. Hey, guys, come on in. 315 00:15:43,674 --> 00:15:44,902 They called me out of class, 316 00:15:44,975 --> 00:15:48,809 and nobody would tell me for, like, a really long time what was wrong. 317 00:15:48,879 --> 00:15:50,039 Did you die? 318 00:15:50,114 --> 00:15:51,741 Oh, no, Daddy's fine, buddy. 319 00:15:51,816 --> 00:15:53,417 I could go home right now if I wanted to. 320 00:15:53,451 --> 00:15:57,751 I'm only staying here because your Uncle Chuck, he's afraid to sleep alone. 321 00:15:57,822 --> 00:16:00,950 It's true, Eric. If he don't sleep with me, then I gotta sleep with Dr. Honey. 322 00:16:01,025 --> 00:16:04,517 And you never know with Dr. Honey what kind of mood she's gonna be in. 323 00:16:04,595 --> 00:16:06,028 What are you, six years old? 324 00:16:06,096 --> 00:16:08,826 Hey, where you going? Come here. Lay down next to me. 325 00:16:08,899 --> 00:16:11,333 I'll split a Vicodin with you. We'll have some fun. 326 00:16:11,402 --> 00:16:13,131 Come on. You little tease. 327 00:16:13,204 --> 00:16:15,138 Dr. Honey. Dr. Honey. 328 00:16:15,206 --> 00:16:18,073 Sweetie, what's the matter? Come here. It's okay. 329 00:16:18,142 --> 00:16:21,578 This is the same hospital. You know. Mom. 330 00:16:27,952 --> 00:16:30,420 I'm not gonna leave you. You hear me? 331 00:16:31,188 --> 00:16:32,450 I'm never gonna leave you. 332 00:16:36,794 --> 00:16:37,915 I'm quitting the department. 333 00:16:37,962 --> 00:16:39,429 Get out of here, man. 334 00:16:39,497 --> 00:16:42,955 No, Renaldo's cousin's got an Acura dealership down in Trenton. 335 00:16:43,033 --> 00:16:45,160 You want to sell cars? Acuras? 336 00:16:45,236 --> 00:16:46,430 I don't want to. 337 00:16:46,504 --> 00:16:49,234 Every time I run into a fire, where's my head gonna be? 338 00:16:49,306 --> 00:16:52,207 I'm all my kids got left. If I die... 339 00:16:53,978 --> 00:16:55,639 Just don't wanna leave them with nothing. 340 00:16:55,713 --> 00:16:58,079 Your father was a fireman. His father was a fireman. 341 00:16:58,148 --> 00:17:00,173 You are a fireman, man. 342 00:17:00,251 --> 00:17:04,312 One of the best Brooklyn's ever seen. That's it. You can't do nothing else. 343 00:17:04,388 --> 00:17:06,049 I don't think I have any other choice. 344 00:17:06,123 --> 00:17:07,988 We'll come up with something, all right? 345 00:17:08,158 --> 00:17:09,455 Come on, I promise you. 346 00:17:09,527 --> 00:17:10,824 Oh, poor Charlie. 347 00:17:10,895 --> 00:17:12,226 Hey, there are my girls. 348 00:17:12,296 --> 00:17:14,230 - How are you? How you doing? - Oh, my leg hurts. 349 00:17:14,298 --> 00:17:15,356 How are you feeling? 350 00:17:15,432 --> 00:17:16,558 My leg. 351 00:17:16,634 --> 00:17:18,192 Oh, God. We got different lives. 352 00:17:18,269 --> 00:17:20,829 I need some help out of here. All right, Chuck's doing all right. 353 00:17:20,871 --> 00:17:21,871 Let's get in here. 354 00:17:21,939 --> 00:17:23,668 Hey, who wants to massage my ass muscles? 355 00:17:23,741 --> 00:17:24,862 - Me! - Me! 356 00:17:53,671 --> 00:17:54,831 Larry. 357 00:17:55,072 --> 00:17:57,040 - What time is it? - 4:00. 358 00:17:57,107 --> 00:17:59,632 I saved your life, and you said you owed me. You remember that? 359 00:17:59,710 --> 00:18:00,710 Yeah, you saved my life. 360 00:18:00,778 --> 00:18:02,439 Then you got me out of bed at 4:00 in the morning. 361 00:18:02,513 --> 00:18:03,571 We're even. That's great. Look. 362 00:18:03,647 --> 00:18:05,137 Hey, look, I'm just gonna throw something out here, 363 00:18:05,215 --> 00:18:06,776 and it's gonna sound a little bit crazy. 364 00:18:06,817 --> 00:18:08,658 - You're getting a breast reduction. - No, shut up. 365 00:18:08,719 --> 00:18:10,653 No, look, I figured out how to solve this pension problem, 366 00:18:10,721 --> 00:18:12,282 and I don't have to quit the Department. 367 00:18:12,356 --> 00:18:13,380 Great. How? 368 00:18:13,457 --> 00:18:14,685 What we're gonna do is we're gonna set things up 369 00:18:14,758 --> 00:18:16,749 so that you inherit my benefits if I die. 370 00:18:16,827 --> 00:18:19,091 That way you'll be the one responsible for Eric and Tori. 371 00:18:19,163 --> 00:18:21,495 Absolutely. That's a great idea. How do we do that? 372 00:18:21,565 --> 00:18:24,500 Yeah. Domestic partnership. 373 00:18:25,703 --> 00:18:27,398 Domestic partnership. 374 00:18:27,871 --> 00:18:29,600 - You mean like faggots? - No. 375 00:18:29,673 --> 00:18:31,402 I mean, yeah, but, no, not us, obviously. 376 00:18:31,475 --> 00:18:34,638 No, no, not, you know... It's just on paper, really. 377 00:18:34,712 --> 00:18:36,043 Paper faggots? 378 00:18:36,113 --> 00:18:39,514 Okay, look, the accepted vernacular is "gay," but, yeah. 379 00:18:39,583 --> 00:18:41,517 I'm gonna get something to drink. 380 00:18:41,585 --> 00:18:42,677 All right. 381 00:18:48,592 --> 00:18:49,592 Right. 382 00:18:55,399 --> 00:18:56,457 I'm gonna have to pass. 383 00:18:56,533 --> 00:18:57,557 You can't! 384 00:18:57,635 --> 00:19:00,433 Why don't you pay some chick to marry you if you need this set-up? 385 00:19:00,504 --> 00:19:02,597 - Some chick? Like who? - Give me the phone. 386 00:19:02,673 --> 00:19:04,514 I know plenty of chicks who could use the cash. 387 00:19:04,575 --> 00:19:06,099 What do you want? A blonde? A Puerto Rican? 388 00:19:06,176 --> 00:19:08,610 I'll get you a heavy girl. She'll make you feel better about yourself. 389 00:19:08,679 --> 00:19:11,307 Hey, it doesn't matter. I don't have any extra cash. 390 00:19:11,382 --> 00:19:13,577 Look, man, you're the only person I can trust. 391 00:19:13,651 --> 00:19:16,051 Hey, you know who you could trust? Your maid, Teresa. 392 00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:17,451 She steals! 393 00:19:17,521 --> 00:19:19,421 She steals? Why don't you fire her? 394 00:19:19,490 --> 00:19:21,617 I'm afraid. I think she's into voodoo. I don't know. 395 00:19:21,692 --> 00:19:23,319 - Oh, God. - Look, this is the only way 396 00:19:23,394 --> 00:19:26,454 I can keep doing what I do and make sure my kids are protected. 397 00:19:26,530 --> 00:19:29,328 Larry, look at us. We're not gay. 398 00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:30,761 But if we were gay, don't you think 399 00:19:30,768 --> 00:19:32,929 I'd be with someone a little hotter-looking than you? 400 00:19:33,003 --> 00:19:35,130 I'm Mr. February, for God's sake. 401 00:19:35,205 --> 00:19:39,335 It would be like the prom king fooling around with a tuba player. 402 00:19:39,410 --> 00:19:40,707 Oh, great, I play tuba. 403 00:19:40,778 --> 00:19:42,336 Larry, I love you, 404 00:19:42,413 --> 00:19:44,938 but I'm not in love with you, if that makes any sense. 405 00:19:45,015 --> 00:19:46,710 I still wanna be friends. 406 00:19:46,784 --> 00:19:49,309 All right, do me a favor. Just picture this, please. All right? 407 00:19:49,386 --> 00:19:51,013 You're at my funeral 408 00:19:51,088 --> 00:19:53,283 and you're looking for my kids, but they're not there. 409 00:19:53,357 --> 00:19:55,154 'Cause they're in some factory in Bangladesh 410 00:19:55,225 --> 00:19:57,853 making sneakers for six cents an hour. 411 00:19:58,462 --> 00:20:02,228 And you go home to nail some chick you met at my gravesite. 412 00:20:02,299 --> 00:20:05,462 And you look up, and right there in your window 413 00:20:06,003 --> 00:20:07,527 are my kids. 414 00:20:07,604 --> 00:20:09,970 They're just tapping on the glass. 415 00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:13,532 And they have tears just streaming down their faces. 416 00:20:13,610 --> 00:20:18,240 You think of that and now you give me your answer. 417 00:20:20,050 --> 00:20:22,382 How are they tapping on my window if they're in Bangladesh? 418 00:20:22,453 --> 00:20:25,217 Oh, my God. You're... You're not following me here. 419 00:20:25,289 --> 00:20:27,086 - Yeah, I'm serious. - Chuck? 420 00:20:27,157 --> 00:20:29,421 Thirsty. Do you have anything to drink? 421 00:20:29,493 --> 00:20:32,087 Yeah, there's Gatorade in the fridge. 422 00:20:32,362 --> 00:20:35,854 The girls are here. The girls, they want the Gatorade. 423 00:20:35,933 --> 00:20:37,560 Oh, they're thirsty. 424 00:20:37,634 --> 00:20:38,999 Larry, Larry, watch this. 425 00:20:39,069 --> 00:20:42,232 Hey, girls, actually it's down low, the Gatorade. 426 00:20:43,807 --> 00:20:45,365 I can't be gay, Larry. 427 00:20:45,442 --> 00:20:48,070 I could be a lesbian for you, but that's about it. 428 00:20:48,145 --> 00:20:52,343 I am so lonely in here. Hurry up, Chuck. 429 00:20:52,416 --> 00:20:54,680 Dr. Honey! Dr. Honey. You know Dr. Honey. 430 00:20:55,085 --> 00:20:56,450 Yeah, I do. 431 00:20:57,054 --> 00:20:59,249 How are you feeling, Mr. Valentine? 432 00:20:59,323 --> 00:21:01,018 It's still stiff when I go to the right. 433 00:21:01,091 --> 00:21:02,115 That's normal. 434 00:21:02,192 --> 00:21:03,989 Hey, who untied you? 435 00:21:05,429 --> 00:21:07,693 What? What? We have rules around here, girls. 436 00:21:08,866 --> 00:21:10,857 Specific orders, girls. 437 00:21:10,934 --> 00:21:13,664 Now I'm gonna go Charlie Chaplin on your ass! 438 00:21:13,737 --> 00:21:16,399 Here, use the cane. Use it! Use it! 439 00:21:16,473 --> 00:21:18,168 Whap them, whap them! 440 00:21:18,408 --> 00:21:20,205 You... You're just an animal, man. 441 00:21:20,277 --> 00:21:22,541 I'm not an animal. I am a whore. 442 00:21:22,946 --> 00:21:25,972 You don't want to marry the town whore. Believe me, you're better than that. 443 00:21:26,049 --> 00:21:30,145 What I'm talking about is no more involved than co-signing a loan or joining a gym. 444 00:21:30,220 --> 00:21:31,847 How do we know no one's gonna find out about this? 445 00:21:31,922 --> 00:21:34,550 Because privacy laws are super strict nowadays. 446 00:21:34,625 --> 00:21:37,617 Look, all we gotta do is just forward your mail to my house for a while. 447 00:21:37,694 --> 00:21:38,820 That's it. 448 00:21:38,896 --> 00:21:40,659 Oh, I don't know. 449 00:21:40,731 --> 00:21:42,790 I saved your life, bitch. 450 00:21:45,169 --> 00:21:46,431 Partners? 451 00:21:47,538 --> 00:21:48,766 Partners. 452 00:21:48,839 --> 00:21:49,839 Shake on it? 453 00:21:50,741 --> 00:21:53,175 You should've let me die, asshole. 454 00:22:10,894 --> 00:22:13,124 You're partners now, fellas. 455 00:22:20,737 --> 00:22:22,398 Teresa brought in the mail. 456 00:22:22,539 --> 00:22:24,564 That's a first. Me. 457 00:22:24,942 --> 00:22:27,240 Chuck. That's me. 458 00:22:29,713 --> 00:22:30,873 Chuck. 459 00:22:32,549 --> 00:22:33,573 Chuck. 460 00:22:34,718 --> 00:22:35,912 Chuck. 461 00:22:36,253 --> 00:22:37,777 What the hell? 462 00:22:38,422 --> 00:22:39,821 Chuck. 463 00:22:40,490 --> 00:22:41,490 Chuck. 464 00:22:42,426 --> 00:22:45,918 You gotta be kidding me. They send these things blown up now? 465 00:22:45,996 --> 00:22:47,930 Is that doll for me? 466 00:22:48,699 --> 00:22:50,326 No, no, no, sweetheart. No, it's for me. 467 00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:53,028 It's a... It's a training doll. You know, for CPR. 468 00:22:53,103 --> 00:22:55,901 They're testing us again, you know, to make sure. 469 00:22:55,973 --> 00:22:57,099 You remember Daddy did the testing? 470 00:22:57,174 --> 00:22:59,608 You make sure the passageway is clear, and you... 471 00:23:00,110 --> 00:23:01,600 To see if they're breathing. 472 00:23:01,678 --> 00:23:03,578 Sweetheart, go to your room, please. Go to your room, okay? 473 00:23:03,647 --> 00:23:06,844 It's for me. She's fine. She's fine. We're dancing. 474 00:23:07,117 --> 00:23:08,117 Whoa. 475 00:23:11,021 --> 00:23:13,683 Fire under control. All units ten-eight, ten-eight. 476 00:23:14,224 --> 00:23:15,555 Great to have you back, Larry. 477 00:23:15,626 --> 00:23:17,389 Great to be back, Captain. 478 00:23:17,461 --> 00:23:22,524 Captain! Found out what started the fire, an old-fashioned doobie. 479 00:23:22,599 --> 00:23:25,864 Hey, brother, that's my weed. Can I get that back? 480 00:23:25,936 --> 00:23:27,426 You want this back? 481 00:23:27,504 --> 00:23:31,065 I can't give you it back. But you know what? I got something better for you. 482 00:23:35,279 --> 00:23:36,712 Whoa, man! 483 00:23:38,315 --> 00:23:39,315 Do that again. 484 00:23:40,250 --> 00:23:41,444 He likes it. 485 00:23:42,886 --> 00:23:44,478 All right, enjoy it. 486 00:23:44,554 --> 00:23:46,784 Hey, man. Looks like a powdered donut. 487 00:23:57,501 --> 00:23:58,501 Mr. Valentine? 488 00:23:58,568 --> 00:23:59,694 Yeah. 489 00:23:59,770 --> 00:24:03,137 Hi. I'm Glen Aldrich from the Pension Department. 490 00:24:03,206 --> 00:24:06,232 I'd like to talk to you about your recently filed domestic partnership. 491 00:24:12,115 --> 00:24:13,207 Hey. 492 00:24:13,550 --> 00:24:15,279 - Are you okay? - No, yeah, no, I'm fine. 493 00:24:15,352 --> 00:24:19,482 That's how I always get down, 'cause it's just faster. You know. Steps. 494 00:24:19,556 --> 00:24:22,457 Is your partner home? A Mr. Charles Levine? 495 00:24:22,526 --> 00:24:23,925 No, he... 496 00:24:24,528 --> 00:24:27,156 How did you... How did you find out that that we were... 497 00:24:27,230 --> 00:24:28,424 It's standard procedure. 498 00:24:28,498 --> 00:24:31,194 You see, when a previously registered portfolio shifts over 499 00:24:31,268 --> 00:24:33,964 to a domestic partnership filing in the insurance log, 500 00:24:34,037 --> 00:24:36,877 there's an information sharing system that notifies us of the adjustment 501 00:24:36,940 --> 00:24:38,271 to make sure it's not a mistake. 502 00:24:38,342 --> 00:24:40,810 Why do you ask? Were you keeping your partnership secret? 503 00:24:40,877 --> 00:24:42,674 Secret? What, are you kidding me? Hell, no. 504 00:24:42,746 --> 00:24:44,407 No, we're telling everybody. It's a party. 505 00:24:44,481 --> 00:24:45,812 Telling everybody what? 506 00:24:45,882 --> 00:24:47,577 Hey, butt out, Ron. 507 00:24:47,651 --> 00:24:48,948 Come over here. 508 00:24:51,054 --> 00:24:54,080 I hope you don't think we have any reason to doubt your situation, Mr. Valentine, 509 00:24:54,157 --> 00:24:57,024 but the sad truth is some people have used homosexual lifestyles 510 00:24:57,094 --> 00:24:59,426 as a cover to reap illegal benefits. 511 00:24:59,496 --> 00:25:00,496 Wow. 512 00:25:01,965 --> 00:25:03,057 Who's that? 513 00:25:03,166 --> 00:25:05,134 That's Paula. She's my late wife. 514 00:25:06,136 --> 00:25:07,831 So you haven't always been gay. 515 00:25:07,904 --> 00:25:11,772 No. I'm newly gay. 516 00:25:12,509 --> 00:25:15,706 When... When she died, I knew I'd never find another woman 517 00:25:15,779 --> 00:25:17,770 who'd make me as happy, 518 00:25:18,882 --> 00:25:21,146 and that's when I boarded the dude train. 519 00:25:22,285 --> 00:25:23,377 Will you excuse me one second? 520 00:25:23,453 --> 00:25:24,511 Sure. 521 00:25:25,689 --> 00:25:28,317 Hey, homo, you see the moon balloons on that chick? 522 00:25:28,392 --> 00:25:30,690 They're a jiggle away from falling out. 523 00:25:30,761 --> 00:25:33,491 Oh, Chuck, don't tell me you lost your key again, sweetheart. 524 00:25:33,563 --> 00:25:34,621 What key? 525 00:25:34,698 --> 00:25:38,964 Baby! How about a free show? Why don't you shake them for me? 526 00:25:39,036 --> 00:25:42,267 Oh, you mean Ron, the mailman. Yeah, Ron, you look great, man! 527 00:25:42,339 --> 00:25:44,569 Love the moon balloons. Shake them! Shake them! 528 00:25:44,641 --> 00:25:46,905 Hey, Chuck, come on in here a minute. 529 00:25:47,677 --> 00:25:51,670 This is Glen Aldrich from the Penis... The Pension Department. 530 00:25:51,748 --> 00:25:53,648 Our Pension Department. 531 00:25:54,751 --> 00:25:55,751 Hi. 532 00:25:56,286 --> 00:25:58,584 - Oh, hey. - Yeah. 533 00:25:58,655 --> 00:26:02,386 He... He knows about our partnership, and he's just here checking up on us, 534 00:26:02,459 --> 00:26:06,520 making sure we're not running a scam to collect illegal benefits. 535 00:26:06,997 --> 00:26:10,091 People do that? What is with the world? 536 00:26:10,167 --> 00:26:11,293 Yeah. 537 00:26:11,368 --> 00:26:12,801 It just makes me so sad 538 00:26:12,869 --> 00:26:15,838 and gay to think of that kind of... 539 00:26:15,906 --> 00:26:17,203 Yeah. ...behavior. 540 00:26:17,274 --> 00:26:18,400 Yeah. 541 00:26:18,475 --> 00:26:22,468 I just want to go to my room right now and listen to Boy George records. 542 00:26:22,546 --> 00:26:23,604 Calm down. 543 00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:27,343 So you've moved your relationship to the next level. How's it been going? 544 00:26:27,417 --> 00:26:32,787 Oh, great. We've just been having sex with each other all the time. 545 00:26:32,889 --> 00:26:34,288 Loads of sex. 546 00:26:34,357 --> 00:26:35,585 Gay crazy sex. 547 00:26:35,659 --> 00:26:38,059 Man on man. Loving every minute of it. 548 00:26:38,128 --> 00:26:41,097 Yeah, balls and wieners all the way. Right here. 549 00:26:41,164 --> 00:26:42,188 Oh, yeah. 550 00:26:42,265 --> 00:26:44,563 Well, I won't take up any more of your time. 551 00:26:44,634 --> 00:26:45,828 Bring the funk. 552 00:26:47,204 --> 00:26:48,796 Okay, thank you. 553 00:26:49,005 --> 00:26:50,097 So that's it? 554 00:26:50,173 --> 00:26:53,108 You don't... You don't have any other questions for us or... 555 00:26:53,176 --> 00:26:56,009 Oh, no. No, that's not really how we do it. 556 00:26:56,079 --> 00:26:59,310 You see, if my report says I thought something was out of the ordinary, 557 00:26:59,382 --> 00:27:01,714 then the department assigns a special investigator, 558 00:27:01,785 --> 00:27:03,685 and he or she'll just drop in from time to time 559 00:27:03,753 --> 00:27:05,914 unannounced over the next three or four months. 560 00:27:06,156 --> 00:27:07,156 No big deal. 561 00:27:07,724 --> 00:27:10,249 Let me... Just asking was there anything that you saw 562 00:27:10,327 --> 00:27:12,591 that was out of the ordinary or... 563 00:27:13,163 --> 00:27:15,461 Oh, I can't tell you that. All right, have a great day. 564 00:27:15,532 --> 00:27:16,931 Oh, we will. 565 00:27:19,903 --> 00:27:21,336 Nice seeing you. Take care. 566 00:27:21,404 --> 00:27:22,530 Nice seeing you. 567 00:27:22,606 --> 00:27:23,971 We love your pants, by the way. Very nice. 568 00:27:24,040 --> 00:27:25,803 We do. Are those wrinkle-free? 569 00:27:25,876 --> 00:27:27,002 I think they are. They look great! 570 00:27:27,077 --> 00:27:28,339 Snazzy! 571 00:27:28,411 --> 00:27:30,402 Yeah, no one's gonna find out about us, I thought. 572 00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:32,812 Well... Yes! 573 00:27:32,883 --> 00:27:34,510 He likes it rough. Yeah. 574 00:27:34,584 --> 00:27:35,642 - Bye-bye. - Take care. 575 00:27:35,719 --> 00:27:36,743 Bye-bye now. Take care. Okay. 576 00:27:36,820 --> 00:27:38,082 You made a promise to me. 577 00:27:38,155 --> 00:27:39,179 All right, we're gonna have sex now. 578 00:27:39,256 --> 00:27:40,382 Okay. We are. 579 00:27:40,457 --> 00:27:41,457 Sex now. Here we go! 580 00:27:41,525 --> 00:27:42,525 Whoo! 581 00:27:45,128 --> 00:27:47,096 Why are we even seeing this lawyer guy? 582 00:27:47,164 --> 00:27:49,325 I just want to find out how much trouble we're in here. 583 00:27:49,399 --> 00:27:51,264 Maybe it's, you know, no big deal. 584 00:27:51,334 --> 00:27:52,926 This guy'll be able to tell us. 585 00:27:53,470 --> 00:27:55,961 Here, just give me your hand. 586 00:27:56,039 --> 00:27:57,939 Maybe we should just be snuggling a little bit. 587 00:27:58,008 --> 00:27:59,100 You mean to look... 588 00:27:59,176 --> 00:28:00,541 Yeah, just a little bit like, you know. 589 00:28:00,610 --> 00:28:01,668 Yeah, that's good. 590 00:28:01,745 --> 00:28:03,645 Does this work, too? Get away from me. 591 00:28:40,784 --> 00:28:43,810 Alex McDonough. 592 00:28:44,020 --> 00:28:46,454 Nice to meet you. 593 00:28:51,628 --> 00:28:52,788 Nice to meet you. 594 00:28:52,862 --> 00:28:54,523 Yeah, meet to nice you. 595 00:28:55,131 --> 00:28:56,496 What was that, Japanese? 596 00:28:56,566 --> 00:28:58,124 What? What are you talking about? 597 00:28:58,201 --> 00:28:59,498 Meet to nice you. 598 00:28:59,569 --> 00:29:01,298 No, no, no, I didn't do that. 599 00:29:01,371 --> 00:29:02,929 You did. He did say it. 600 00:29:03,006 --> 00:29:04,234 You did. 601 00:29:04,307 --> 00:29:05,365 Okay. 602 00:29:05,442 --> 00:29:06,739 Okay, just come on in. 603 00:29:06,810 --> 00:29:08,607 Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. 604 00:29:10,714 --> 00:29:13,877 So my assistant says that your domestic partnership 605 00:29:13,950 --> 00:29:15,611 is being challenged by the city. 606 00:29:15,685 --> 00:29:19,553 Well, not exactly challenged yet, but they're definitely sniffing around. 607 00:29:19,623 --> 00:29:21,420 - Home visit? - Yeah. 608 00:29:21,491 --> 00:29:22,719 You're being targeted. 609 00:29:22,792 --> 00:29:24,020 Targeted? 610 00:29:24,094 --> 00:29:26,654 It's like an audit. Who did they send? 611 00:29:26,730 --> 00:29:29,198 It was a Glen somebody. 612 00:29:29,266 --> 00:29:30,824 Probably the initial interviewer. 613 00:29:30,900 --> 00:29:34,358 But if you get a follow-up from a funny little guy named Clint Fitzer, 614 00:29:34,437 --> 00:29:36,234 then we've got real trouble. 615 00:29:36,306 --> 00:29:39,400 Yeah, the city's really been cracking down ever since the Bensley case. 616 00:29:39,476 --> 00:29:40,534 What's that? 617 00:29:40,610 --> 00:29:46,207 Well, in Colorado, a heterosexual government employee married his gay friend 618 00:29:46,283 --> 00:29:49,980 so the friend could be covered under Bensley's health insurance. 619 00:29:50,053 --> 00:29:51,350 The state found out about it, 620 00:29:51,421 --> 00:29:54,254 fired Bensley and prosecuted them both for fraud. 621 00:29:54,324 --> 00:29:56,121 - Really? - Oh, yeah. 622 00:29:56,192 --> 00:29:58,922 I mean, these people needed to be made an example of. 623 00:29:58,995 --> 00:30:02,294 I mean, gays and lesbians have not been fighting for these rights for 40 years 624 00:30:02,365 --> 00:30:03,923 to be made a mockery of. 625 00:30:04,000 --> 00:30:05,228 But you guys have nothing to worry about 626 00:30:05,302 --> 00:30:07,770 because you're a legitimate gay couple, right? 627 00:30:07,837 --> 00:30:10,829 Oh, yeah, we're... No, we're big-time fruits. 628 00:30:12,175 --> 00:30:15,406 I used to wrestle in high school, and I loved it. 629 00:30:16,012 --> 00:30:17,172 Okay. 630 00:30:18,114 --> 00:30:20,207 Curiosity kicking up again. 631 00:30:21,017 --> 00:30:24,077 What exactly did they get, the hetero bastards? 632 00:30:25,188 --> 00:30:28,851 Well, Bensley got five years and his gay friend got three. 633 00:30:29,626 --> 00:30:32,459 And a coworker of Bensley's got 18 months. 634 00:30:32,996 --> 00:30:34,327 Why? What did he do? 635 00:30:34,397 --> 00:30:37,764 Well, Bensley told him what was going on and he never reported it to the authorities, 636 00:30:37,834 --> 00:30:42,567 so he was convicted of obstructing justice and conspiracy to commit fraud. 637 00:30:43,606 --> 00:30:45,267 Pretty rough, huh? 638 00:30:45,608 --> 00:30:50,204 When I used to climb the rope in gym class, I wished it was a guy. 639 00:30:52,916 --> 00:30:54,884 Well, there is a secret weapon 640 00:30:54,951 --> 00:30:57,511 that really might help get these guys off your back. 641 00:30:57,587 --> 00:30:59,227 Oh, good. Oh, great. Well, we love secrets. 642 00:30:59,255 --> 00:31:00,655 Yeah, we do them all the time. Yeah. 643 00:31:01,758 --> 00:31:03,953 Oh, yeah. Oh, I won't tell anyone. 644 00:31:04,027 --> 00:31:05,027 Nobody tells. 645 00:31:05,095 --> 00:31:07,825 That was a key he was throwing away, that's what that was. 646 00:31:07,897 --> 00:31:09,228 Leave a trail. 647 00:31:09,299 --> 00:31:10,630 You know, the strongest evidence 648 00:31:10,700 --> 00:31:13,134 for genuinely demonstrating a domestic partnership 649 00:31:13,203 --> 00:31:15,865 is to take a quick drive on up to Canada 650 00:31:15,939 --> 00:31:17,702 and legitimize your relationship. 651 00:31:17,974 --> 00:31:19,100 Legitimize? 652 00:31:19,175 --> 00:31:20,403 Get married. 653 00:31:21,077 --> 00:31:22,476 Marry Larry? 654 00:31:33,957 --> 00:31:35,390 All right, where do two guys get married? 655 00:31:35,458 --> 00:31:37,824 What do we got here? Wedding Balls. 656 00:31:38,595 --> 00:31:40,790 I Do, I Do Love Clay Aiken. 657 00:31:40,864 --> 00:31:42,354 Great Rear Endings. 658 00:31:43,566 --> 00:31:45,261 Till Dicks Do Us Part. 659 00:31:45,635 --> 00:31:48,160 Where are we gonna do this, sweetheart? 660 00:31:48,238 --> 00:31:49,705 What's the matter? You getting cold nuts? 661 00:31:49,773 --> 00:31:53,573 No, no. It's just Paula always wanted to go to Niagara Falls, 662 00:31:54,244 --> 00:31:56,269 and I never got the chance to take her, you know? 663 00:31:56,346 --> 00:31:59,338 You were great to her. It's been three years already, man. 664 00:31:59,416 --> 00:32:01,884 Just, just... She would want you to be happy. 665 00:32:01,951 --> 00:32:03,711 She would want you to move on with your life, 666 00:32:03,720 --> 00:32:05,688 find somebody new, I'm telling you. 667 00:32:05,755 --> 00:32:08,349 You know what? I did find somebody new. 668 00:32:08,525 --> 00:32:09,787 And I'm marrying him today. 669 00:32:09,859 --> 00:32:12,123 Oh, yeah. What a lucky girl. 670 00:32:12,796 --> 00:32:14,093 Queers. 671 00:32:14,164 --> 00:32:15,859 What was that? What was that? 672 00:32:15,932 --> 00:32:18,196 I said tears. 673 00:32:18,268 --> 00:32:20,327 Your love for each other brings tears to my eyes. 674 00:32:20,403 --> 00:32:21,768 That's what I thought you said, buddy. Yeah. Yeah. 675 00:32:21,838 --> 00:32:23,135 Better watch what you say, my friend. 676 00:32:23,206 --> 00:32:24,173 Why don't you just drive the car? 677 00:32:24,240 --> 00:32:25,901 Doug Henning. What the hell you think you're doing? 678 00:32:25,975 --> 00:32:27,408 You want a Brooklyn beating, moron? Magic shoes. Yeah? 679 00:32:27,477 --> 00:32:29,138 - You want to get him nuts? - Yeah? Smacked around? 680 00:32:29,212 --> 00:32:31,806 - Then shut your mouth. - Don't, please. 681 00:32:33,983 --> 00:32:35,007 Faggots. 682 00:32:35,084 --> 00:32:37,075 All right, that's it, my man. What's that, you son of a bitch? 683 00:32:37,153 --> 00:32:38,279 Grab the wheel. Grab the wheel. Hold him down! 684 00:32:38,354 --> 00:32:39,354 Hey, I'm sorry! 685 00:32:39,422 --> 00:32:40,650 Hold him down, and I will... 686 00:32:40,723 --> 00:32:42,843 Come and drive now, moron! Hey, the wheel, man! 687 00:32:42,859 --> 00:32:43,917 I'm sorry! Chuck, hold him. 688 00:32:43,993 --> 00:32:45,153 Yeah! Yeah! 689 00:32:47,564 --> 00:32:49,156 Get him! Hold him down! 690 00:33:02,278 --> 00:33:04,712 Suki! Stupid cow. Sorry. 691 00:33:04,881 --> 00:33:06,542 Hey, may I help you? 692 00:33:06,616 --> 00:33:08,982 Yes, we're... We're... 693 00:33:09,752 --> 00:33:11,117 Gay? 694 00:33:11,187 --> 00:33:13,553 Yeah, we're marrying each other. 695 00:33:13,623 --> 00:33:16,353 Gay. Civil or religious? 696 00:33:16,426 --> 00:33:17,825 Religious. 697 00:33:18,495 --> 00:33:20,326 I'm Jewish. I don't wanna piss my mother off. 698 00:33:20,396 --> 00:33:22,796 I'm Catholic. I don't want to piss Mel Gibson off. 699 00:33:22,866 --> 00:33:24,458 Come on. 700 00:33:24,534 --> 00:33:27,594 Religious is more expensive. We have to hire a clergyman. 701 00:33:27,670 --> 00:33:29,763 Look, you know what? We'll just do civil then, okay? 702 00:33:29,839 --> 00:33:31,879 - Will you at least wear a yarmulke? - Yeah, okay, sure. 703 00:33:31,941 --> 00:33:32,941 It's important. 704 00:33:33,009 --> 00:33:34,033 Yeah, I will. 705 00:33:34,143 --> 00:33:38,239 We want a traditional wedding, too, one with a lot of photographs for evidence. 706 00:33:40,049 --> 00:33:42,415 Evidence for our future children, 707 00:33:42,485 --> 00:33:44,419 so they can see what a beautiful chapel this is. 708 00:33:44,487 --> 00:33:45,579 Yeah. 709 00:33:46,256 --> 00:33:47,587 That's nice. 710 00:33:47,657 --> 00:33:49,454 I think Chubb Rock needs a dress. Am I right? 711 00:33:49,526 --> 00:33:51,206 That's okay. No, I'm fine. No. Come on. No? 712 00:33:51,227 --> 00:33:53,525 Okay. What size? Five times XL? 713 00:33:54,464 --> 00:33:56,125 No, no. That's... That's fine, really. I'm... 714 00:33:56,199 --> 00:33:58,999 You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go with a tux like Liza Minnelli. 715 00:33:59,068 --> 00:34:00,558 I saw her wear one at the Oscars and it's just been... 716 00:34:00,637 --> 00:34:02,264 At least have garter belts underneath, please? 717 00:34:02,338 --> 00:34:03,362 Okay. 718 00:34:03,439 --> 00:34:07,705 You will need to have a witness. We can supply one for $100. 719 00:34:07,777 --> 00:34:10,610 Hundred doll hairs? That's a lot of doll hairs. 720 00:34:11,014 --> 00:34:12,242 Come again? 721 00:34:12,315 --> 00:34:13,942 Do dolls come with that many hairs? 722 00:34:14,017 --> 00:34:15,143 Doll hairs, like dollars. 723 00:34:15,218 --> 00:34:16,685 Doll hairs? 724 00:34:18,187 --> 00:34:20,951 Yeah. Yeah, he likes that. 725 00:34:22,592 --> 00:34:24,685 I had never heard that one. 726 00:34:27,263 --> 00:34:29,993 Okay, sorry, sorry. Can I write that down? 727 00:34:30,066 --> 00:34:31,931 Yeah, go ahead. 728 00:34:32,302 --> 00:34:34,497 We'll... We'll get our own witness, by the way, so... 729 00:34:34,571 --> 00:34:35,868 Yeah. Don't worry about that. 730 00:34:35,939 --> 00:34:37,770 Will you be needing a room? 731 00:34:37,840 --> 00:34:39,034 - What? - A loom? 732 00:34:39,108 --> 00:34:41,474 For romantic time together. 733 00:34:45,148 --> 00:34:47,139 Whoa, whoa. No, no, we're good. We... No... 734 00:34:47,216 --> 00:34:48,615 We'll take two looms, by the way. 735 00:34:48,685 --> 00:34:51,051 Yeah. We're old-fashioned. 736 00:34:51,888 --> 00:34:53,287 That's very nice. 737 00:34:54,791 --> 00:34:58,090 I will give you key in case you want to sneak. 738 00:34:58,328 --> 00:35:00,057 - That's okay. - Yeah. 739 00:35:00,396 --> 00:35:01,454 But I'll give you key. 740 00:35:01,531 --> 00:35:02,691 Okay. 741 00:35:03,166 --> 00:35:04,190 Do you have the rings? 742 00:35:04,267 --> 00:35:05,598 Yeah. 743 00:35:05,735 --> 00:35:09,136 Now, the rings are a symbol of eternity, 744 00:35:09,205 --> 00:35:13,471 because in a ring there's no beginning, there is no end 745 00:35:14,410 --> 00:35:15,968 'cause it's a circle. 746 00:35:16,045 --> 00:35:17,137 That's kind of nice. 747 00:35:17,213 --> 00:35:18,475 It's not like a triangle. 748 00:35:18,548 --> 00:35:21,210 Triangle has, like, a corner in the ends. 749 00:35:21,284 --> 00:35:23,184 This one is a circle. 750 00:35:23,252 --> 00:35:24,310 Okay, we get it. 751 00:35:24,387 --> 00:35:25,649 Three corners. 752 00:35:25,722 --> 00:35:27,314 Please exchange the rings. 753 00:35:27,390 --> 00:35:29,483 - Larry, take that. - All right, yeah. 754 00:35:29,559 --> 00:35:30,787 Thanks. 755 00:35:31,361 --> 00:35:33,522 Is a promise of your love forever together... 756 00:35:33,596 --> 00:35:34,620 - Okay. - Okay. Beautiful. 757 00:35:34,697 --> 00:35:35,959 - ...for all eternity. - Okay. 758 00:35:36,032 --> 00:35:38,057 - Because it's a circle. - Yeah, we heard about the circle. 759 00:35:38,134 --> 00:35:39,814 Yes, we're familiar with shapes. We got it. 760 00:35:41,704 --> 00:35:44,969 I now pronounce you husband and husband. 761 00:35:45,041 --> 00:35:47,032 You may kiss the husband. 762 00:35:57,086 --> 00:35:59,919 I don't know. Hey, man, you just gotta do this. 763 00:35:59,989 --> 00:36:02,082 - What do you mean? - We got to do it. 764 00:36:02,158 --> 00:36:03,216 Kiss the husband. 765 00:36:03,292 --> 00:36:04,782 Yeah, we heard you. 766 00:36:05,461 --> 00:36:07,861 Oh, come on. Let's just... 767 00:36:07,930 --> 00:36:10,398 He's gonna take a picture, we just gotta do this. 768 00:36:10,500 --> 00:36:11,500 Mmm-hmm. 769 00:36:12,201 --> 00:36:13,201 Oh! 770 00:36:16,139 --> 00:36:17,697 That's how we roll in our house, baby. 771 00:36:17,774 --> 00:36:18,968 Oh, yeah. 772 00:36:25,248 --> 00:36:26,715 Do you do me? 773 00:36:27,984 --> 00:36:30,680 Oh, you couldn't handle it, little man. 774 00:36:32,321 --> 00:36:33,447 Yeah. 775 00:36:33,523 --> 00:36:36,083 I think your witness piss himself. 776 00:36:44,901 --> 00:36:50,168 The wires are all in place, and they have tapped all of our phones. 777 00:36:51,974 --> 00:36:54,465 The Chinese government is in on it. 778 00:36:54,811 --> 00:36:58,474 And Elizabeth Taylor is Bigfoot. 779 00:37:00,883 --> 00:37:02,680 Turn off my brain. 780 00:37:02,852 --> 00:37:04,251 Hear, hear! Hear, hear! 781 00:37:06,956 --> 00:37:09,424 There's a microphone in the cake! 782 00:37:12,795 --> 00:37:14,319 They moved it. 783 00:37:15,231 --> 00:37:16,255 Yeah. 784 00:37:16,332 --> 00:37:18,892 He smell like a dead water buffalo. 785 00:37:24,607 --> 00:37:26,438 Oh, yeah! Very Jewish! 786 00:37:40,823 --> 00:37:42,313 I've been hit! 787 00:37:42,391 --> 00:37:43,858 How you doing? 788 00:37:44,627 --> 00:37:46,254 He broke his leg. 789 00:37:48,231 --> 00:37:50,199 Hey, how come your maid ain't helping us out? 790 00:37:50,266 --> 00:37:53,167 She's working on something else, all right? 791 00:37:53,503 --> 00:37:54,902 Yeah, right. 792 00:37:55,004 --> 00:37:57,564 How you doing there, Phil Collins? 793 00:37:57,640 --> 00:38:01,007 $800. $800, Bob Barker! 794 00:38:01,077 --> 00:38:02,704 <i>...retail price without going over...</i> 795 00:38:02,779 --> 00:38:04,576 She's working hard with Bob Barker. 796 00:38:04,647 --> 00:38:07,081 She doesn't like when you talk during her shows. Come on. 797 00:38:07,150 --> 00:38:10,051 $750? Oh, my balls, that's too low. 798 00:38:10,119 --> 00:38:13,316 Hey, Big Ragoo, I smell your feet from here. I like it. 799 00:38:13,389 --> 00:38:14,389 Oh... 800 00:38:15,291 --> 00:38:17,259 He thinks my feet stink. 801 00:38:19,562 --> 00:38:21,325 Now, that's a stink. 802 00:38:23,099 --> 00:38:26,330 See, I knew you were gonna overcook this, man. I told you. 803 00:38:26,402 --> 00:38:29,394 Hey, it's Salisbury steak, Emeril. It's supposed to be black. 804 00:38:29,472 --> 00:38:30,871 It stinks like manure! 805 00:38:30,940 --> 00:38:32,805 Yeah, it's supposed to. 806 00:38:33,075 --> 00:38:35,908 I can't believe you're gonna serve this to the kids. Shit. 807 00:38:35,978 --> 00:38:37,206 Hey, language! 808 00:38:37,280 --> 00:38:39,009 Okay, kids, "shit" is a bad word. 809 00:38:39,081 --> 00:38:41,049 Seriously, though, I am not eating this crap! 810 00:38:41,117 --> 00:38:43,017 If I'm living here, I'm cooking. 811 00:38:43,085 --> 00:38:44,643 How long is Uncle Chuck staying? 812 00:38:44,720 --> 00:38:47,985 Just for a little bit, okay? Until his apartment is fixed. 813 00:38:48,057 --> 00:38:49,718 What happened to your place? 814 00:38:49,792 --> 00:38:51,453 Roaches. 815 00:38:52,128 --> 00:38:53,993 Yeah, big giant roaches. 816 00:38:54,163 --> 00:38:55,289 They ate my dog. 817 00:38:55,364 --> 00:38:56,456 Bastards! 818 00:38:56,532 --> 00:38:57,692 Language! 819 00:38:57,767 --> 00:38:59,826 Roaches are so ewwy. 820 00:39:00,703 --> 00:39:02,864 Did you hear that? Roaches are ewwy. 821 00:39:02,939 --> 00:39:05,737 "Ewwy" is another word not allowed said in this house, okay? 822 00:39:05,808 --> 00:39:07,469 - I think ewwy's a nice word. - Shut up. 823 00:39:07,543 --> 00:39:08,703 Ewwy! 824 00:39:09,111 --> 00:39:10,135 Funny. 825 00:39:16,319 --> 00:39:18,514 <i>The Reds never even came up in the conversation.</i> 826 00:39:18,588 --> 00:39:22,024 <i>About five straight seasons losing regular seasons,</i> 827 00:39:22,091 --> 00:39:25,254 <i>the franchise's worse such stretch since the '50s.</i> 828 00:39:25,328 --> 00:39:28,889 <i>Yet heading into play today, the Reds were tied for the best record in the bigs.</i> 829 00:39:28,965 --> 00:39:31,957 <i>They've got everybody going except for...</i> 830 00:39:32,668 --> 00:39:34,108 <i>...who's eligible to come off the DL,</i> 831 00:39:34,136 --> 00:39:36,297 <i>but hasn't fully recovered from an inflamed tendon...</i> 832 00:39:36,372 --> 00:39:37,498 Real smooth. 833 00:39:37,573 --> 00:39:38,835 Why? What happened? 834 00:39:38,908 --> 00:39:40,102 You broke Tori's chair! 835 00:39:40,176 --> 00:39:41,700 No, no, no. It was like that when I got here. 836 00:39:41,777 --> 00:39:43,972 I'm not kidding you. I think she did it. 837 00:39:44,046 --> 00:39:45,775 What the hell is that on your face? 838 00:39:45,848 --> 00:39:48,078 I'm exfoliating. It's good for my skin. 839 00:39:48,150 --> 00:39:49,708 Hey, that's a great idea, man. 840 00:39:49,785 --> 00:39:51,616 In case the gay inspector comes by. 841 00:39:52,288 --> 00:39:54,916 Yeah, yeah, that's why I was doing it. 842 00:39:55,691 --> 00:39:57,386 Daddy, help! 843 00:39:58,394 --> 00:39:59,588 Tori? 844 00:40:01,631 --> 00:40:03,963 Somebody left the seat up. 845 00:40:04,700 --> 00:40:05,928 Real smooth, again. 846 00:40:06,002 --> 00:40:07,469 Why? What happened now? 847 00:40:07,536 --> 00:40:09,800 It was like that when I got here. She... She did it. 848 00:40:09,872 --> 00:40:11,100 Hey, it's okay, sweetheart. 849 00:40:11,173 --> 00:40:14,006 You see, Uncle Chuck, he's not used to living in a house with a young lady. 850 00:40:14,076 --> 00:40:15,338 - True that. - Come here, honey. 851 00:40:15,411 --> 00:40:18,869 Slow, slow, slow. Don't leave her intestines in there. 852 00:40:20,917 --> 00:40:22,714 Whoa, whoa... 853 00:40:22,785 --> 00:40:25,379 Your father's just jealous 'cause he can't get his butt 854 00:40:25,454 --> 00:40:26,512 - in that thing. - Yeah. 855 00:40:26,589 --> 00:40:28,523 He got his butt stuck in a king-sized Jacuzzi one time. 856 00:40:28,591 --> 00:40:30,559 - I seen that. - Stop. 857 00:40:30,626 --> 00:40:31,650 Hey, yeah. 858 00:40:31,727 --> 00:40:33,752 Uncle Chuck, you left this in the kitchen. 859 00:40:33,829 --> 00:40:35,023 Hey, don't you look at that! 860 00:40:35,097 --> 00:40:36,462 - I didn't. - Actually, you know what? Give me that. 861 00:40:36,532 --> 00:40:38,159 - Maybe he should look at it. See. - Stop it, Chuck! 862 00:40:38,234 --> 00:40:40,964 No, no, no. This is an experiment. Seriously. 863 00:40:42,138 --> 00:40:44,572 Eric, see how this makes you feel. 864 00:40:45,374 --> 00:40:46,739 Open it up. 865 00:40:50,646 --> 00:40:52,978 All right, that didn't go well. 866 00:40:59,121 --> 00:41:02,056 Yo, you got any tequila in this house? I want to fall right asleep. 867 00:41:02,124 --> 00:41:03,648 No, I don't. 868 00:41:03,726 --> 00:41:05,956 What the hell is this? You got a dog I don't know about? 869 00:41:06,028 --> 00:41:07,708 No, that's your bed. I worked hard on that. 870 00:41:07,730 --> 00:41:10,494 That ain't a bed. That's a bed, the thing you're about to cave in. 871 00:41:10,566 --> 00:41:12,864 No. Look, you're not sleeping here, okay? 872 00:41:12,935 --> 00:41:15,165 Nobody's slept on that side since Paula. 873 00:41:15,237 --> 00:41:16,761 But, sweetheart, it's our honeymoon. 874 00:41:16,839 --> 00:41:19,137 Of course I'm sleeping in the same bed as you. 875 00:41:19,208 --> 00:41:20,470 No. 876 00:41:20,543 --> 00:41:22,023 How about if I put Paula's pajamas on? 877 00:41:22,078 --> 00:41:23,238 Would that get me in the sack with you? 878 00:41:23,312 --> 00:41:25,405 Don't you dare touch her PJs. 879 00:41:25,481 --> 00:41:28,507 You're kidding me. You still keep her PJs? 880 00:41:28,584 --> 00:41:30,313 That's sick, Larry. Seriously. 881 00:41:30,386 --> 00:41:31,444 All right. 882 00:41:31,520 --> 00:41:33,488 You gotta call the shrink. 883 00:41:33,556 --> 00:41:35,490 I'm coming in the bed, Larry. 884 00:41:35,558 --> 00:41:38,322 Whoa, look at this. You made me a little bowling ball ashtray. 885 00:41:38,394 --> 00:41:40,487 That's sweet of you. I'll smoke that in the morning. 886 00:41:40,563 --> 00:41:42,656 I don't feel comfortable with this, buddy, at all. 887 00:41:42,732 --> 00:41:44,495 Would it help if I gave you the pose? 888 00:41:44,567 --> 00:41:46,296 Hey, get your foot off that side of the bed. 889 00:41:46,369 --> 00:41:47,734 Have some respect, would you, please? 890 00:41:47,803 --> 00:41:50,533 Yeah, I'll be respectful. You won't even know I'm here. 891 00:41:50,606 --> 00:41:52,039 Oh, God. You won't know I'm here, okay? 892 00:41:52,108 --> 00:41:54,133 Why don't you turn the light off? You won't even see me. 893 00:41:54,210 --> 00:41:55,768 I'm not around, Larry. 894 00:41:55,845 --> 00:41:59,110 Yeah. Yeah. See? Yeah. Roll over. 895 00:41:59,782 --> 00:42:01,340 Make yourself comfortable. 896 00:42:02,051 --> 00:42:03,450 That's right. 897 00:42:07,289 --> 00:42:09,120 You got Cinemax in here? 898 00:42:09,191 --> 00:42:10,818 No, I do not. 899 00:42:10,893 --> 00:42:13,259 What the hell am I supposed to do with this thing? 900 00:42:13,329 --> 00:42:17,425 Keep it away from me. 901 00:42:18,034 --> 00:42:21,367 Can you lend me your foot for a second? I'm kidding. 902 00:42:26,275 --> 00:42:28,334 Larry. 903 00:42:29,578 --> 00:42:33,070 You betrayed me, Larry. 904 00:42:34,517 --> 00:42:39,045 You made a promise no one would sleep on my side of... 905 00:42:39,121 --> 00:42:40,383 All right. Hey, hey, hey. 906 00:42:40,456 --> 00:42:42,424 - I swear to you, I will beat you... - That wasn't me. 907 00:42:42,491 --> 00:42:44,425 - ...with the end table! - Larry! 908 00:42:44,493 --> 00:42:45,517 Stop it, man. 909 00:42:45,594 --> 00:42:46,618 If it was me, I would stop it. 910 00:42:46,695 --> 00:42:48,492 It was someone else. 911 00:42:50,099 --> 00:42:51,657 It scared me, too, Larry. 912 00:42:55,905 --> 00:42:57,668 Good morning, Daddy. 913 00:42:58,874 --> 00:43:00,171 Oh, hey, kids. 914 00:43:00,242 --> 00:43:01,732 Good morning, Uncle Chuck. 915 00:43:02,411 --> 00:43:04,140 What's doing, guys? 916 00:43:04,246 --> 00:43:05,406 Good morning, Teresa. 917 00:43:05,481 --> 00:43:06,846 Great morning. 918 00:43:11,954 --> 00:43:13,979 Why is Teresa in the bed? 919 00:43:15,424 --> 00:43:18,757 She was just cleaning it. She was... Great job, Teresa. 920 00:43:18,828 --> 00:43:21,388 Spotless. Thank you. You can go now. 921 00:43:22,498 --> 00:43:24,090 Hey. 922 00:43:24,733 --> 00:43:26,894 Hey, this is what got us in trouble in the first place. 923 00:43:27,903 --> 00:43:29,063 Oh, boy. 924 00:43:29,138 --> 00:43:31,072 Come on, kids, fix me breakfast! 925 00:43:31,140 --> 00:43:32,801 Come on, come on, come on! 926 00:43:32,875 --> 00:43:34,308 You're gonna burn for that. 927 00:43:34,376 --> 00:43:35,866 Get Cinemax. 928 00:43:35,945 --> 00:43:37,435 While I'm sleeping in the same bed? 929 00:43:37,513 --> 00:43:39,845 Hey, you weren't sleeping the whole time. 930 00:43:39,915 --> 00:43:40,973 You threw in some moves. 931 00:43:41,050 --> 00:43:42,108 I did not! 932 00:43:42,184 --> 00:43:44,243 Yeah. Smell your thumb. 933 00:43:52,328 --> 00:43:54,159 Smells like plastic. 934 00:44:03,239 --> 00:44:04,831 Hey, big guy. 935 00:44:05,341 --> 00:44:09,038 Hey, what the hell you doing going through our garbage? 936 00:44:09,111 --> 00:44:13,070 Oh, once it's out on the street ready for pickup, it's public property. 937 00:44:14,350 --> 00:44:15,550 Lawrence Valentine, I presume? 938 00:44:15,618 --> 00:44:16,778 Yeah. That's me. 939 00:44:16,852 --> 00:44:19,821 Yeah, Clint Fitzer from Financial Services. 940 00:44:20,623 --> 00:44:23,456 You know, funny thing, you put these moving boxes out for recycling 941 00:44:23,526 --> 00:44:25,606 after you'd already been living together for so long. 942 00:44:25,661 --> 00:44:27,094 I found that interesting. 943 00:44:28,464 --> 00:44:30,864 And your garbage, Mr. Valentine, 944 00:44:30,933 --> 00:44:34,300 well, from my experience, it's not very homosexual garbage. 945 00:44:34,503 --> 00:44:35,993 Can I see some identification, please? 946 00:44:36,372 --> 00:44:38,272 Oh, that's just one zip away. 947 00:44:44,213 --> 00:44:49,276 Mr. Valentine, the law takes a dim view of those who cheat the public coffers. 948 00:44:50,920 --> 00:44:53,889 A very dim view, big guy. 949 00:44:56,325 --> 00:44:57,417 Shit. 950 00:45:03,632 --> 00:45:04,860 What are you doing? 951 00:45:04,934 --> 00:45:06,128 I'm putting a pillowcase on my pillow. 952 00:45:06,202 --> 00:45:07,567 Okay, you know what? That's not a pillowcase. 953 00:45:07,636 --> 00:45:09,331 It's my underwear, you idiot. 954 00:45:10,906 --> 00:45:12,498 No! Would you stop? 955 00:45:12,575 --> 00:45:15,908 I just ran into Clint Fitzer out front. That big city investigator. 956 00:45:15,978 --> 00:45:17,843 The one that hot-ass lawyer was talking about? 957 00:45:17,913 --> 00:45:19,234 We gotta make this place more gay. 958 00:45:19,281 --> 00:45:20,305 More gay? 959 00:45:20,382 --> 00:45:22,782 Yeah. He went through our trash. He says it's not gay enough. 960 00:45:22,851 --> 00:45:24,284 Well, let's gay that shit up, then! 961 00:45:24,353 --> 00:45:26,321 Oh, God. Gay trash. 962 00:45:26,455 --> 00:45:29,219 Gay trash... Gay trash... 963 00:45:29,291 --> 00:45:30,291 Let's see. 964 00:45:32,161 --> 00:45:33,651 Huh? Huh? 965 00:45:34,029 --> 00:45:36,327 Yeah. What else? 966 00:45:36,398 --> 00:45:38,798 <i>♪ Anything you can do, I can do better. ♪</i> 967 00:45:38,867 --> 00:45:41,859 <i>♪ I can do anything better than you. ♪</i> 968 00:45:41,971 --> 00:45:43,768 - Perfect. - Hey! 969 00:45:44,406 --> 00:45:46,636 Eric, are those the cleats I just bought you? 970 00:45:46,709 --> 00:45:49,576 Uncle Chuck helped me turn them into tap shoes. 971 00:45:49,645 --> 00:45:50,726 <i>Yeah, he didn't get Pippin,</i> 972 00:45:50,779 --> 00:45:52,212 so we're gonna prime him for his next audition. 973 00:45:52,281 --> 00:45:53,270 <i>For the Annie Get Your Gun thing.</i> 974 00:45:53,349 --> 00:45:55,840 Go ahead, tap away. Nice. 975 00:45:56,252 --> 00:45:58,447 Sinatra tap-danced, come on. 976 00:45:58,520 --> 00:46:00,715 Nice. Nice. Big finish. 977 00:46:01,190 --> 00:46:03,954 Yeah. You wanna throw him in the garbage? 978 00:46:04,526 --> 00:46:05,686 I'm kidding. Come on. 979 00:46:07,396 --> 00:46:08,761 Think like a gay guy. We're gay, we're gay. 980 00:46:08,831 --> 00:46:09,855 Come on, gay. Gay it up. 981 00:46:09,932 --> 00:46:11,092 Here we go. Look at this. Gay. What else? Gay. 982 00:46:11,166 --> 00:46:12,758 Shampoo for permed hair. That's pretty gay. 983 00:46:12,835 --> 00:46:13,995 - Put it in there. - Okay. 984 00:46:14,069 --> 00:46:15,093 Bandages. 985 00:46:15,170 --> 00:46:16,637 It's too rugged. 986 00:46:16,705 --> 00:46:18,263 - Really? - Q-tips, get Q-tips. 987 00:46:18,340 --> 00:46:21,605 Gay guys like clean ears for the licking and whatnot. Smart. 988 00:46:21,677 --> 00:46:22,677 What do you got? 989 00:46:22,745 --> 00:46:23,939 Maxi Pads. 990 00:46:24,013 --> 00:46:26,072 Now we have vaginas? Put it back. 991 00:46:26,148 --> 00:46:29,379 Get some Streisand shit or something. Just walk away, man. 992 00:46:29,585 --> 00:46:33,544 Gay. Very gay. Über gay. 993 00:46:33,622 --> 00:46:35,954 The gayest. And the mother ship. 994 00:46:41,096 --> 00:46:42,096 Oh... 995 00:46:42,631 --> 00:46:44,428 - Chuck! - Alex. 996 00:46:45,000 --> 00:46:46,797 - Hi! - Wow. 997 00:46:46,869 --> 00:46:50,635 Oh, hey, did Larry tell you that I talked to him about Fitzer stopping by? 998 00:46:50,706 --> 00:46:52,901 That guy is an infection, but don't you worry about it, 999 00:46:52,975 --> 00:46:54,056 'cause I'm gonna handle it. 1000 00:46:54,109 --> 00:46:57,203 No, it's all good. It's all gay all the way. 1001 00:46:59,248 --> 00:47:01,341 Are you doing anything on Saturday night? 1002 00:47:01,417 --> 00:47:02,714 No. Why? 1003 00:47:02,785 --> 00:47:06,346 Well, I'm involved with this group, and it's our big fundraiser thing and... 1004 00:47:06,422 --> 00:47:07,855 Look, I know it's a little bit last-minute, but... 1005 00:47:07,923 --> 00:47:11,017 No, no, no! Hey! Let's do this. 1006 00:47:11,093 --> 00:47:12,685 Let's party. Wow. 1007 00:47:12,761 --> 00:47:14,251 Awesome. Awesome! Please. 1008 00:47:14,330 --> 00:47:15,456 Okay. It's gonna be a lot of fun. 1009 00:47:15,531 --> 00:47:16,623 I'm sure. 1010 00:47:16,699 --> 00:47:18,564 - Here's the info. - Hell, yeah. 1011 00:47:18,634 --> 00:47:21,660 And don't forget to bring your husband. 1012 00:47:21,737 --> 00:47:24,069 My, husband? Yes, of course. 1013 00:47:24,707 --> 00:47:26,140 Don't go anywhere without him. 1014 00:47:26,208 --> 00:47:29,177 He's like a... He's like an infection, too. 1015 00:47:31,146 --> 00:47:35,549 Are you gonna be bringing your significant other person thing? 1016 00:47:36,018 --> 00:47:37,986 Oh, I'm not gay, if that's what you mean. 1017 00:47:38,053 --> 00:47:40,920 And I just broke up with my boyfriend, so... 1018 00:47:42,057 --> 00:47:43,081 I mean... 1019 00:47:44,193 --> 00:47:47,356 It's fine. So am I gonna see you there? 1020 00:47:47,529 --> 00:47:48,529 I'll be there. 1021 00:47:48,597 --> 00:47:49,655 Okay. 1022 00:47:49,732 --> 00:47:52,132 - Oh, you wanna go? - Yeah. 1023 00:47:52,201 --> 00:47:53,964 - See you. - Yeah. 1024 00:47:56,505 --> 00:47:58,268 Hell, yeah! 1025 00:47:59,274 --> 00:48:01,640 Sorry, did you say something? 1026 00:48:01,710 --> 00:48:06,909 No, they got K-Y jelly, two for $1. Hell, yeah. 1027 00:48:08,417 --> 00:48:09,884 Okay. Bye. 1028 00:48:09,952 --> 00:48:11,385 Bye. 1029 00:48:14,923 --> 00:48:16,686 Yeah, this does work. 1030 00:48:20,996 --> 00:48:22,691 Got some mail for you, Mr. Valentine. 1031 00:48:22,765 --> 00:48:25,632 Oh, okay. Thanks, Ron. 1032 00:48:27,836 --> 00:48:28,996 Something I can do for you? 1033 00:48:29,071 --> 00:48:32,097 I couldn't help overhearing you and Mr. Levine 1034 00:48:32,174 --> 00:48:35,007 talking about your arrangement the other day. 1035 00:48:35,077 --> 00:48:38,877 Yeah, we're a couple, so... 1036 00:48:38,947 --> 00:48:43,543 Right. I also caught a bit of what you said pertaining to me. 1037 00:48:43,652 --> 00:48:44,676 What? I'm sorry? 1038 00:48:44,753 --> 00:48:49,053 I heard you mention to the gentleman that you thought I was a hottie. 1039 00:48:49,124 --> 00:48:52,855 Oh. Yeah, you know what? I'm sorry if that came off a little weird. 1040 00:48:52,928 --> 00:48:54,623 - I was feeling... - Oh, no, no, no. 1041 00:48:54,696 --> 00:48:56,288 It's nothing to worry about, sir. 1042 00:48:57,099 --> 00:48:58,099 I don't bite. 1043 00:48:59,435 --> 00:49:00,732 Oh, okay. 1044 00:49:01,003 --> 00:49:02,493 Listen, just so you know, 1045 00:49:02,571 --> 00:49:04,436 if you're ever home alone in the afternoons. 1046 00:49:05,307 --> 00:49:06,638 I make drop-offs. 1047 00:49:07,443 --> 00:49:08,501 Yeah. 1048 00:49:08,577 --> 00:49:09,976 And I always deliver. 1049 00:49:10,045 --> 00:49:12,707 You know what? I'm pretty loyal to Chuck. 1050 00:49:12,781 --> 00:49:15,545 Right, I understand that. I'm just saying if you ever want to 1051 00:49:15,617 --> 00:49:19,417 explore your other feelings, there's no extra postage. 1052 00:49:19,521 --> 00:49:21,648 And it's always first-class. 1053 00:49:21,723 --> 00:49:24,590 All right. Anything else you feel you need to say, there? 1054 00:49:24,660 --> 00:49:25,786 I handle with care. 1055 00:49:25,861 --> 00:49:27,385 Okay, Ron, thank you very much. I appreciate it. 1056 00:49:27,463 --> 00:49:29,260 And I'd be happy to come in through the back door. 1057 00:49:29,331 --> 00:49:31,424 I'm sure you would. 1058 00:49:31,500 --> 00:49:33,331 Used to holding large packages. 1059 00:49:40,909 --> 00:49:42,774 This actually ain't gonna be bad, man. 1060 00:49:42,845 --> 00:49:45,370 Just some regular gay folks having a party. 1061 00:49:47,616 --> 00:49:50,210 I'm dirty! Who's dirty? Are you... 1062 00:49:52,855 --> 00:49:55,119 Oh, my God, it's Homopalooza. 1063 00:50:01,730 --> 00:50:04,722 You know what? Find Alex, say hello, and let's get the hell out of here. 1064 00:50:04,800 --> 00:50:06,233 I'm going to take a leak. 1065 00:50:06,301 --> 00:50:08,064 You're gonna go to the men's room? Here? 1066 00:50:08,437 --> 00:50:09,529 What's wrong with that? 1067 00:50:09,605 --> 00:50:11,573 I peed three times before I got here. 1068 00:50:11,874 --> 00:50:12,874 I'll be fine. 1069 00:50:12,941 --> 00:50:14,238 Apple martini? 1070 00:50:26,688 --> 00:50:28,815 Oh, yeah. There's my lawyer. 1071 00:50:35,998 --> 00:50:37,863 Look at that. Perfection. 1072 00:50:40,168 --> 00:50:42,693 I want to suck your blood. 1073 00:50:44,039 --> 00:50:45,700 Suck my what? 1074 00:50:47,009 --> 00:50:48,704 Nothing. 1075 00:50:48,777 --> 00:50:50,745 It's cool. You want to suck something. 1076 00:50:50,812 --> 00:50:53,906 I was talking to somebody else. 1077 00:50:53,982 --> 00:50:55,847 Hey! Don't go, bitch! 1078 00:50:56,885 --> 00:50:58,512 Don't be a tease! 1079 00:50:59,621 --> 00:51:00,952 You whore! 1080 00:51:09,097 --> 00:51:10,655 Hello? 1081 00:51:13,669 --> 00:51:15,227 Anybody here? 1082 00:51:19,641 --> 00:51:22,872 Oh, my God. All right, let's do this. 1083 00:51:37,559 --> 00:51:40,995 Chuck! Hey! Oh, I'm so glad you made it. 1084 00:51:41,496 --> 00:51:43,088 Alex? That's you, right? 1085 00:51:43,165 --> 00:51:44,928 Yeah. I'm Catwoman. 1086 00:51:47,502 --> 00:51:49,026 Wow, so... 1087 00:51:49,104 --> 00:51:52,073 I had no idea Dracula could look so fierce. 1088 00:51:52,140 --> 00:51:54,074 I like Betty Butterfly the most. 1089 00:51:54,142 --> 00:51:57,441 On, Stevie! On, Bobby! On, Sarah! 1090 00:51:57,512 --> 00:51:59,537 That's my brother, Kevin. 1091 00:51:59,615 --> 00:52:00,809 He's your brother? You're related to him? 1092 00:52:00,882 --> 00:52:01,940 Yes. 1093 00:52:02,017 --> 00:52:04,485 He's gotta come out of the closet already. I feel bad. 1094 00:52:04,553 --> 00:52:07,113 It must eat him up inside knowing he's got so many secrets. 1095 00:52:07,189 --> 00:52:08,417 Shut up. 1096 00:52:12,127 --> 00:52:14,891 My underwear's just riding up my core. 1097 00:52:15,397 --> 00:52:17,592 Seriously, I got some applesauce going on down there. 1098 00:52:17,666 --> 00:52:20,032 I can't wait to launder that load. 1099 00:52:20,102 --> 00:52:21,729 What's up, apple dumpling? What's crack-a-lacking? 1100 00:52:21,803 --> 00:52:24,863 What's crack-a-what? I'm sorry, who are you? Do I know you? 1101 00:52:24,940 --> 00:52:27,408 Oh, I'm sorry, I'm Kevin, Alex's brother. 1102 00:52:27,476 --> 00:52:29,410 Oh, hey, man. What's up, man? 1103 00:52:29,511 --> 00:52:30,705 Larry, Chuck's better half. 1104 00:52:30,779 --> 00:52:31,939 Oh, wow. 1105 00:52:32,014 --> 00:52:34,107 Better two-thirds, actually. 1106 00:52:34,349 --> 00:52:36,544 So, I got a question. I know you know it's coming. 1107 00:52:36,618 --> 00:52:38,677 - I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna do it! - Don't do it. Don't do it. 1108 00:52:38,754 --> 00:52:40,381 Who's pitching and who's catching? 1109 00:52:40,455 --> 00:52:43,822 You mean who's the chick and who's the guy and that kind of thing? 1110 00:52:43,892 --> 00:52:46,793 Please don't feel obligated to answer that. It's none of our business. 1111 00:52:46,862 --> 00:52:47,954 I know it's not, but it's fun to know. 1112 00:52:48,030 --> 00:52:50,828 Really not a problem. Let's see. This is gonna be a cool experiment. 1113 00:52:50,899 --> 00:52:52,924 Who do you think is the chick out of us two? 1114 00:52:53,001 --> 00:52:55,595 One, two, three. Chuck! One, two, three. Chuck! 1115 00:52:55,671 --> 00:52:57,161 - So Chuck! - I know. 1116 00:52:57,239 --> 00:52:58,866 What do you mean, Chuck? 1117 00:52:59,775 --> 00:53:02,243 Why would you think I'm the chick? 1118 00:53:02,310 --> 00:53:03,777 Well, he's an apple. 1119 00:53:03,845 --> 00:53:06,245 Very masculine. Very solid fruit. 1120 00:53:06,314 --> 00:53:09,613 And you're Count Suckula with a straw in your beard. 1121 00:53:09,685 --> 00:53:12,916 I'm drinking through a straw 'cause I don't want to smear my lipstick. 1122 00:53:12,988 --> 00:53:15,684 Oh, yeah, that was worse. All right. Good, good, good. Okay. 1123 00:53:15,757 --> 00:53:19,193 I also think it's because you have very sweet, sensitive eyes. 1124 00:53:19,261 --> 00:53:22,424 And that's very rare to find in a guy. 1125 00:53:22,497 --> 00:53:25,330 Well, you have very sweet and sensitive eyes, too. 1126 00:53:25,400 --> 00:53:26,458 I do? 1127 00:53:26,535 --> 00:53:27,975 Us chicks should stick together, huh? 1128 00:53:28,003 --> 00:53:29,493 Take it easy, buddy. 1129 00:53:29,571 --> 00:53:32,267 Girls rule and boys drool. 1130 00:53:32,340 --> 00:53:33,830 <i>Yeah.</i> 1131 00:53:33,909 --> 00:53:35,206 Oh, my God! 1132 00:53:35,277 --> 00:53:36,835 You okay? Breathe! 1133 00:53:37,079 --> 00:53:38,103 This is my jam! 1134 00:53:38,180 --> 00:53:40,861 This is my jam! You know that! This is my jam! Watch my drink, okay? 1135 00:53:41,095 --> 00:53:43,086 - Okay, okay. - It's my jam! 1136 00:53:44,331 --> 00:53:45,628 - So? - Yo. 1137 00:53:46,133 --> 00:53:47,760 You gonna show me your moves? 1138 00:53:49,269 --> 00:53:52,067 Oh, my God, she got the flags out. 1139 00:53:52,139 --> 00:53:53,697 I can't dance for shit. Can you? 1140 00:53:53,774 --> 00:53:55,036 Hell, no. 1141 00:53:59,146 --> 00:54:02,377 Look at these guys, man. They're freaking Travoltas! 1142 00:54:04,051 --> 00:54:08,010 Gay guys know how to dance good. It's like the law or some shit. 1143 00:54:10,924 --> 00:54:12,551 Get in the circle right now! 1144 00:54:12,626 --> 00:54:13,888 Yeah, it's gonna be a blast. 1145 00:54:13,961 --> 00:54:15,292 Any second, man. Glad to be here. 1146 00:54:15,362 --> 00:54:17,330 I can't wait. I can't wait! 1147 00:54:17,965 --> 00:54:19,592 Look at this. 1148 00:54:19,666 --> 00:54:22,863 Hey, the butterfly's coming out of his cocoon again. 1149 00:54:24,738 --> 00:54:26,399 That's my brother! 1150 00:54:26,473 --> 00:54:28,668 This is his jam! It is his jam. 1151 00:54:32,379 --> 00:54:33,437 Kevin's having fun. 1152 00:54:33,514 --> 00:54:34,776 I didn't need to see that. 1153 00:54:35,682 --> 00:54:37,013 I'm flying! 1154 00:54:37,084 --> 00:54:38,165 We gotta look good at this. 1155 00:54:38,218 --> 00:54:39,344 It's showtime, boys! 1156 00:54:39,420 --> 00:54:40,580 Whoa! 1157 00:54:41,922 --> 00:54:42,980 I'm sorry! 1158 00:54:43,056 --> 00:54:44,148 No, it's part of it. 1159 00:54:44,224 --> 00:54:47,785 All right, Larry, get up. That's it, that's it, that's it. 1160 00:54:50,864 --> 00:54:53,094 We're busted, dude, we're busted. 1161 00:54:53,167 --> 00:54:55,158 Let's go junior high on their ass. 1162 00:54:55,235 --> 00:54:56,293 Junior high? 1163 00:54:56,503 --> 00:54:58,130 Yeah. Let's do this. 1164 00:54:58,205 --> 00:54:59,433 Okay. 1165 00:55:13,854 --> 00:55:15,378 Is it working? 1166 00:55:15,456 --> 00:55:18,687 I don't know. I'm afraid to look up. 1167 00:55:18,759 --> 00:55:20,818 I think it is. I think it is. 1168 00:55:32,439 --> 00:55:34,168 Oh, my God. 1169 00:55:34,341 --> 00:55:36,741 We really pulled this one out of our asses. 1170 00:55:37,144 --> 00:55:41,240 Bad choice of words, there, Larry. Bad choice of words. 1171 00:55:45,185 --> 00:55:47,915 Hey, Chuck, Larry. We got a basketball game every Tuesday night at 6:00. 1172 00:55:47,988 --> 00:55:50,183 If you guys want to play, the butterfly knows how to get hold of us. 1173 00:55:50,257 --> 00:55:52,987 Okay, right on. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, we'll give you a buzz. 1174 00:55:53,060 --> 00:55:54,254 Nice to meet you guys. 1175 00:55:54,328 --> 00:55:58,287 <i>Sinners and fornicators! We are not here in anger!</i> 1176 00:55:58,365 --> 00:56:01,425 <i>We are here to save you from eternal damnation!</i> 1177 00:56:02,636 --> 00:56:03,694 Hey, buddy! 1178 00:56:03,770 --> 00:56:06,398 Wait, come on already! This is a private event. 1179 00:56:06,473 --> 00:56:07,735 Now, give it a rest. 1180 00:56:07,808 --> 00:56:11,300 <i>Aren't you worried about where you'll spend eternity?</i> 1181 00:56:11,411 --> 00:56:13,311 This is what these guys do on a Saturday night? 1182 00:56:13,380 --> 00:56:16,076 They just want everyone to be as miserable as they are. 1183 00:56:16,149 --> 00:56:21,052 Gay is not the way! Gay is not the way! Gay is not the way! 1184 00:56:21,622 --> 00:56:22,782 It's over, baby. 1185 00:56:22,856 --> 00:56:24,790 Gay is not the way! Gay is not the way! 1186 00:56:24,858 --> 00:56:29,591 Hey, hey! You heard the man. It's a private party, so take a walk. 1187 00:56:29,663 --> 00:56:32,860 This is a public sidewalk. We have every right to be here! 1188 00:56:32,933 --> 00:56:34,560 And we have every right to be queer! 1189 00:56:34,635 --> 00:56:36,068 Yeah! 1190 00:56:37,771 --> 00:56:42,401 <i>Homosexuality is an abomination.</i> 1191 00:56:42,776 --> 00:56:46,405 Hey, news flash, man. That jacket's an abomination. 1192 00:56:47,014 --> 00:56:50,279 - Gay is the way! Gay is the way! - Gay is not the way! 1193 00:56:50,784 --> 00:56:53,480 Hey, what makes you think that you have the right to dictate 1194 00:56:53,554 --> 00:56:54,953 how other people live their lives? 1195 00:56:55,022 --> 00:56:57,991 I'm a minister. I'm allowed to preach in any public forum. 1196 00:56:58,058 --> 00:56:59,389 Well, I'm a fireman. 1197 00:56:59,459 --> 00:57:02,259 I say you're blocking emergency access, so let's call it a night, guys. 1198 00:57:02,329 --> 00:57:04,991 Whoa, whoa, whoa! You're a fireman? 1199 00:57:05,065 --> 00:57:07,226 You are a disgrace! 1200 00:57:07,301 --> 00:57:09,792 <i>You're a flamer, is what you are.</i> 1201 00:57:09,903 --> 00:57:11,928 - All right, oh, my God. - There's no reasoning with these people. 1202 00:57:12,005 --> 00:57:14,439 Just let it go. Just let it go. Just let it go. 1203 00:57:14,508 --> 00:57:16,271 Come on, come on. Let it go, guys. 1204 00:57:16,343 --> 00:57:18,243 Have a good day. See you later. 1205 00:57:18,312 --> 00:57:19,677 Faggots. 1206 00:57:20,414 --> 00:57:22,245 I'm sorry? What did you call me? 1207 00:57:22,649 --> 00:57:24,640 Oh, I called you a faggot. 1208 00:57:25,719 --> 00:57:27,016 <i>Faggot.</i> 1209 00:57:30,824 --> 00:57:34,817 For your information, the accepted vernacular is "gay." 1210 00:57:37,831 --> 00:57:41,892 Homos, one. Crazy people, zero. Official score. 1211 00:57:48,909 --> 00:57:50,877 Gentlemen, I have a very simple philosophy. 1212 00:57:50,944 --> 00:57:52,824 What you shove up your ass is your own business. 1213 00:57:52,879 --> 00:57:54,540 - Captain... - Shut up. 1214 00:57:54,615 --> 00:57:58,608 Now, it's not my style to get involved in the personal lives of my firemen. 1215 00:57:58,685 --> 00:57:59,777 And if sometimes I've given you 1216 00:57:59,853 --> 00:58:02,413 the impression that I'm your friend, I apologize. 1217 00:58:03,490 --> 00:58:08,223 However, I seriously doubt that you two are banging each other. 1218 00:58:08,295 --> 00:58:11,822 You and Paula, the most beautiful couple I ever laid eyes on. 1219 00:58:11,898 --> 00:58:16,028 And you, if my pencil sharpener had a skirt, I'd have to hide it. 1220 00:58:16,903 --> 00:58:21,203 Look, do you have any idea of the stress an administrative position entails? 1221 00:58:21,274 --> 00:58:23,504 I've already got a prostate the size of a cantaloupe. 1222 00:58:23,577 --> 00:58:24,771 And now, thanks to you two bozos, 1223 00:58:24,845 --> 00:58:27,507 I've got the Pension Department pissing up my chimney, 1224 00:58:27,581 --> 00:58:29,515 not to mention every flaming fruit bat south of Poughkeepsie 1225 00:58:29,583 --> 00:58:32,609 that wants to come down here to our house and slide up and down our pole! 1226 00:58:32,686 --> 00:58:34,483 - We should tell him the truth. - We'll tell him the truth. 1227 00:58:34,554 --> 00:58:36,522 - We'll tell him the truth. - lx-nay on the uth-tray! 1228 00:58:36,590 --> 00:58:38,080 I don't want to hear about it. 1229 00:58:38,158 --> 00:58:40,149 And if this marriage is something you've cooked up 1230 00:58:40,227 --> 00:58:43,685 in response to this pension problem, you are not taking me down with you. 1231 00:58:43,764 --> 00:58:45,527 I will report you. You will go to jail, 1232 00:58:45,599 --> 00:58:46,998 where you won't have to pretend to be gay, 1233 00:58:47,067 --> 00:58:50,298 because your asses'll be busier than a test bench in a plunger factory. 1234 00:58:54,174 --> 00:58:57,041 I just wanted to thank you again for what you did at the fundraiser. 1235 00:58:57,110 --> 00:58:59,635 Oh, yeah, that was no big deal. 1236 00:58:59,713 --> 00:59:01,874 You sound a little down. Where's Larry? 1237 00:59:01,948 --> 00:59:05,543 He's at school with the kids, doing the Career Day thing. 1238 00:59:05,619 --> 00:59:08,247 So does that mean that you can have a girl's day with me? 1239 00:59:08,321 --> 00:59:09,515 <i>- A girl's day? - Yeah.</i> 1240 00:59:09,589 --> 00:59:11,887 <i>I need some new shoes, new underwear.</i> 1241 00:59:11,958 --> 00:59:13,084 Girl's day! 1242 00:59:13,160 --> 00:59:14,218 <i>Uh-huh.</i> 1243 00:59:16,430 --> 00:59:19,092 Girl's day! Sure. 1244 00:59:20,467 --> 00:59:22,162 I'll pick you up. 1245 01:00:41,281 --> 01:00:46,344 So, by trading in pre-refunded municipal bonds, 1246 01:00:46,419 --> 01:00:50,583 we can offer our clients triple tax-exempt returns. 1247 01:00:51,458 --> 01:00:53,050 Any questions? 1248 01:00:55,962 --> 01:00:57,930 There never are. 1249 01:00:57,998 --> 01:01:02,025 Thank you, Mr. Auerbach, for that very nice trip down Wall Street. 1250 01:01:02,102 --> 01:01:05,833 Our next parent is Larry Valentine, Tori's father. 1251 01:01:05,906 --> 01:01:08,568 Hi, everybody! I am a firefighter, 1252 01:01:09,142 --> 01:01:12,475 and I'm proud to be one because it's my job to protect the community 1253 01:01:12,546 --> 01:01:15,709 and make sure it's a safe environment for all. 1254 01:01:15,816 --> 01:01:18,341 Whoa! We got some questions already. 1255 01:01:20,754 --> 01:01:22,016 Yeah. 1256 01:01:22,088 --> 01:01:26,047 I don't like girls, either. Does that mean I'm gay, too? 1257 01:01:28,829 --> 01:01:30,854 No, no. 1258 01:01:32,032 --> 01:01:34,023 You were married to a woman, right? 1259 01:01:34,668 --> 01:01:35,692 Yes. 1260 01:01:35,769 --> 01:01:38,203 Does that mean you're half-lesbian? 1261 01:01:38,271 --> 01:01:42,207 Kids, Mr. Valentine is here to talk about his career today, okay? 1262 01:01:42,275 --> 01:01:44,800 Mr. Valentine? You said you're a fireman. 1263 01:01:44,878 --> 01:01:46,038 Yes, that is correct. 1264 01:01:46,112 --> 01:01:47,477 Do you have two jobs? 1265 01:01:47,547 --> 01:01:50,812 Because my dad said that you're also a butt pirate. 1266 01:01:56,456 --> 01:01:57,684 Larry. 1267 01:01:57,757 --> 01:01:59,054 Steve. 1268 01:01:59,459 --> 01:02:00,517 Rough crowd, huh? 1269 01:02:00,594 --> 01:02:02,027 Kids. Yeah. 1270 01:02:02,095 --> 01:02:05,826 So, listen. We're all set for the Boy Scout overnight this month. 1271 01:02:05,899 --> 01:02:07,196 Oh, great. We're all set? 1272 01:02:08,268 --> 01:02:11,533 No, we're all set, like we don't need any more fathers. 1273 01:02:11,605 --> 01:02:14,403 All right, well, then, I guess I'll see you at Little League, then, all right? 1274 01:02:14,474 --> 01:02:16,704 Oh, you know what? We're good. 1275 01:02:17,244 --> 01:02:18,336 We are good. 1276 01:02:18,411 --> 01:02:19,935 No, no, no, we're not good. 1277 01:02:20,647 --> 01:02:23,207 We don't need you for Little League. We're good. 1278 01:02:23,283 --> 01:02:27,185 Okay, Steve, what's going on? I signed up to coach three months ago. 1279 01:02:27,254 --> 01:02:31,054 Larry, I don't want to get into this with you here. 1280 01:02:31,124 --> 01:02:34,560 Hey, you know what, Steve? You're really starting to piss me off. 1281 01:02:34,628 --> 01:02:37,290 I'm trying to get Eric interested in baseball. 1282 01:02:37,364 --> 01:02:39,628 That kid interested in baseball? 1283 01:02:39,699 --> 01:02:41,826 You got a better chance getting Colonel Sanders interested 1284 01:02:41,902 --> 01:02:44,029 in a hamburger, buddy. 1285 01:02:48,308 --> 01:02:50,538 Fight! Fight! Fight! 1286 01:02:53,713 --> 01:02:56,204 Your dad's gay and so are you. 1287 01:03:04,691 --> 01:03:06,454 Oh, my hair! Oh, my hair, my hair! 1288 01:03:06,526 --> 01:03:07,720 Oh, my clothes! 1289 01:03:07,794 --> 01:03:09,386 Oh, am I frizzy? I'm getting frizzy! 1290 01:03:09,462 --> 01:03:14,229 You asshole! Go back to Jersey! You can go back to Jersey! 1291 01:03:14,301 --> 01:03:17,737 Come on, honey! Please open the door! 1292 01:03:21,107 --> 01:03:24,008 Whoa, nice pad. 1293 01:03:24,077 --> 01:03:25,476 Oh, thank you. 1294 01:03:25,679 --> 01:03:29,171 Hey, you are soaked. Do you want to borrow a sweatshirt or something? 1295 01:03:29,249 --> 01:03:31,809 No, no. I'm great, I'm great. Thank you. 1296 01:03:31,885 --> 01:03:33,716 Okay, but I am freezing, so... 1297 01:03:38,425 --> 01:03:39,449 What are you doing there? 1298 01:03:39,526 --> 01:03:40,925 Well, it's wet. 1299 01:03:48,768 --> 01:03:51,293 Actually, you know what? I'll take that sweatshirt. 1300 01:03:51,371 --> 01:03:52,565 Oh, yeah. 1301 01:03:54,941 --> 01:03:56,101 Thanks. 1302 01:04:06,086 --> 01:04:09,419 So, that's a great body you got there. I mean, 1303 01:04:10,323 --> 01:04:12,484 it could be the best body I've ever seen in my life. 1304 01:04:12,559 --> 01:04:13,821 Shut up. 1305 01:04:13,893 --> 01:04:16,088 Besides Larry's. But yours... 1306 01:04:17,464 --> 01:04:20,160 Your tush looks like it's made of muscle, 1307 01:04:20,233 --> 01:04:22,827 and Larry's is made of pudding and Quarter Pounders 1308 01:04:22,902 --> 01:04:24,597 and God knows what. 1309 01:04:24,671 --> 01:04:27,231 Well, these are real, by the way. I mean, nobody thinks they are. 1310 01:04:27,240 --> 01:04:29,868 Everyone thinks they're fake, but they are real. 1311 01:04:29,943 --> 01:04:34,004 Alex. You don't gotta lie to me. We're two girls hanging out. Come on. 1312 01:04:34,080 --> 01:04:36,776 You kidding me? There's no silicone here, I swear. 1313 01:04:36,850 --> 01:04:39,819 Oh, no big deal if they are or not. I don't care. 1314 01:04:39,886 --> 01:04:42,218 I've got nothing to hide. Feel them. 1315 01:04:42,956 --> 01:04:44,719 - Feel them? - Feel them. 1316 01:04:45,291 --> 01:04:46,849 I mean, I... 1317 01:04:49,295 --> 01:04:50,990 I have a... 1318 01:04:51,064 --> 01:04:55,262 I'd rather feel a flabby man pec, to be honest with you, 1319 01:04:55,335 --> 01:04:57,633 but in the name of science, if you need me to hold 1320 01:04:57,704 --> 01:05:00,605 your bodacious Bahama mamas, 1321 01:05:00,673 --> 01:05:03,005 or whatever the guys call them nowadays, I'll do it. 1322 01:05:03,076 --> 01:05:04,737 - Yes, go ahead. - Oh! 1323 01:05:07,614 --> 01:05:09,104 Well? 1324 01:05:09,182 --> 01:05:11,047 Yeah, they're real. 1325 01:05:11,918 --> 01:05:13,146 Told you. 1326 01:05:13,420 --> 01:05:14,648 And creamy. 1327 01:05:17,590 --> 01:05:18,852 And fun. 1328 01:05:19,759 --> 01:05:21,886 For someone who would like something like this, this is... 1329 01:05:21,961 --> 01:05:24,088 But to me, it's, like, ew. 1330 01:05:24,631 --> 01:05:27,759 I just got a little nauseous there, touching them. That's funny. 1331 01:05:27,834 --> 01:05:29,426 You want a bite? 1332 01:05:30,336 --> 01:05:32,361 No, no, no. Feeling them's enough. 1333 01:05:32,806 --> 01:05:33,830 I'll do that again. 1334 01:05:33,907 --> 01:05:37,274 No, no, I meant food. Are you hungry? 1335 01:05:37,343 --> 01:05:39,868 Oh! I'm sorry. 1336 01:05:39,946 --> 01:05:41,937 Yeah, no... Just... 1337 01:05:42,849 --> 01:05:44,407 That was funny. 1338 01:05:55,562 --> 01:05:57,029 Nice, nice. 1339 01:05:59,966 --> 01:06:02,901 Wait a minute, wait a minute. Me and Nootzie against you three guys. 1340 01:06:02,969 --> 01:06:04,436 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1341 01:06:05,138 --> 01:06:06,628 You don't want to play? 1342 01:06:07,373 --> 01:06:09,466 Hey, Chuckie, I gotta be honest with you. 1343 01:06:09,542 --> 01:06:12,773 You play real physical defense, and none of us want you copping a feel 1344 01:06:12,846 --> 01:06:15,940 or rubbing up against the old boosh-cadoosh here. 1345 01:06:16,182 --> 01:06:18,980 Just 'cause you're gay doesn't mean that you're horny for every guy you meet. 1346 01:06:19,052 --> 01:06:21,350 Oh, really? 'Cause every time you covered me in the past, 1347 01:06:21,421 --> 01:06:23,355 I feel like you were grab-assing on me. 1348 01:06:23,423 --> 01:06:26,915 Yeah. Let the WNBA play. Come on. 1349 01:06:28,128 --> 01:06:29,390 Fine, go. 1350 01:06:31,297 --> 01:06:32,889 Unbelievable. 1351 01:06:43,743 --> 01:06:44,971 Oh, God. 1352 01:06:45,645 --> 01:06:47,272 What, you want to mess with me, too? 1353 01:06:47,947 --> 01:06:50,108 Huh? You want to mess with the queer? 1354 01:06:50,183 --> 01:06:53,016 'Cause this queer don't take shit from nobody. Let's go, then. 1355 01:06:53,086 --> 01:06:56,817 You ready? I'm a fireman, man! I ain't afraid of nothing! 1356 01:06:58,558 --> 01:07:00,321 Put your fists down. 1357 01:07:20,380 --> 01:07:21,608 Me, too. 1358 01:07:22,315 --> 01:07:23,475 You, too? 1359 01:07:24,551 --> 01:07:25,551 You, too, what? 1360 01:07:27,620 --> 01:07:28,848 I'm gay. 1361 01:07:31,824 --> 01:07:34,258 I can't believe I finally said it. 1362 01:07:36,229 --> 01:07:38,322 Oh, God, it feels so good. 1363 01:07:38,531 --> 01:07:41,159 It's just like a wave is crashing over me. 1364 01:07:43,636 --> 01:07:45,263 It's so liberating. 1365 01:07:45,338 --> 01:07:46,669 Oh, yeah. 1366 01:07:48,908 --> 01:07:52,275 Do you remember the first time you said it? 1367 01:07:52,812 --> 01:07:55,781 First time I said... Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 1368 01:07:55,848 --> 01:07:57,748 I was with Larry. 1369 01:07:57,817 --> 01:07:59,512 - Your lover. - Yeah. 1370 01:08:00,153 --> 01:08:02,644 Who, by the way, is absolutely gorgeous. 1371 01:08:02,722 --> 01:08:04,519 Oh, thanks. 1372 01:08:04,591 --> 01:08:06,559 He's mine, though, so... 1373 01:08:06,626 --> 01:08:08,355 Oh, no, that's your man. 1374 01:08:08,428 --> 01:08:09,428 Mmm-hmm. 1375 01:08:09,495 --> 01:08:10,621 Yeah. 1376 01:08:10,697 --> 01:08:13,825 My whole life I've been living a lie. 1377 01:08:13,900 --> 01:08:17,961 But you and Larry have given me the strength to be true to myself. 1378 01:08:18,605 --> 01:08:20,630 "To thine own self be true." 1379 01:08:22,709 --> 01:08:26,907 There's nothing worse than pretending to be something that you're not. 1380 01:08:26,980 --> 01:08:31,781 Yeah. Yeah, well, I'm glad. I'm glad we helped you out, 1381 01:08:32,385 --> 01:08:35,183 and anything else we can do, you don't hesitate to ask. 1382 01:08:35,488 --> 01:08:39,049 Would you help me tell my parents? 1383 01:08:40,093 --> 01:08:41,117 I guess. 1384 01:08:41,194 --> 01:08:42,388 Yes! 1385 01:08:42,462 --> 01:08:44,589 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 1386 01:08:44,664 --> 01:08:46,393 Oh, yes, yes, yes, girl! 1387 01:08:48,101 --> 01:08:50,626 Hey, did you guys catch that Mets game last night? 1388 01:08:50,703 --> 01:08:53,604 They got a shot of my cousin throwing a beer at the ump. 1389 01:08:53,673 --> 01:08:56,267 I missed it. Took my sister to the electrolysis place 1390 01:08:56,342 --> 01:08:57,673 for a second opinion. 1391 01:08:57,744 --> 01:08:59,405 They said there's nothing they could do. 1392 01:09:01,814 --> 01:09:03,805 What the hell is so funny? 1393 01:09:30,476 --> 01:09:32,068 No! 1394 01:09:48,795 --> 01:09:49,853 Pick that up, would you? 1395 01:09:49,929 --> 01:09:51,726 I ain't picking that up! 1396 01:09:51,798 --> 01:09:54,528 You want my soap, Renaldo? Right here. 1397 01:09:57,537 --> 01:09:58,936 Hey, Tony, give me your soap. 1398 01:09:59,005 --> 01:10:01,098 No. I don't share soap. Too many germies. 1399 01:10:01,240 --> 01:10:02,832 Come on, give me the damn bar of soap! 1400 01:10:02,942 --> 01:10:04,273 Get out of here! Get out of here! 1401 01:10:11,818 --> 01:10:13,479 Who's gonna do it? 1402 01:10:41,214 --> 01:10:42,943 Hey, how you doing? 1403 01:10:45,218 --> 01:10:46,617 Hey, Duncan. 1404 01:10:48,154 --> 01:10:50,452 I'll tell you about that later. 1405 01:10:55,561 --> 01:11:00,521 <i>♪ 'Cause I'm every woman ♪ ♪ It's all in me. ♪</i> 1406 01:11:00,600 --> 01:11:04,730 <i>♪ Anything you want now, baby ♪ ♪ I'll do it naturally. ♪</i> 1407 01:11:07,740 --> 01:11:09,571 <i>♪ Let me hear you say it ♪</i> 1408 01:11:11,844 --> 01:11:12,844 Lawrence. 1409 01:11:12,912 --> 01:11:14,470 <i>♪ Oh, a little louder. ♪</i> 1410 01:11:16,749 --> 01:11:18,683 <i>♪ Everybody sing now. ♪</i> 1411 01:11:20,953 --> 01:11:23,148 <i>♪ I can't hear you sing. ♪</i> 1412 01:11:32,532 --> 01:11:33,897 All right, yours is done. 1413 01:11:33,966 --> 01:11:35,661 Yours, too. 1414 01:11:35,735 --> 01:11:37,259 All right, take a look. Okay. 1415 01:11:37,336 --> 01:11:39,304 "Girlz Rule" with a "Z." 1416 01:11:39,372 --> 01:11:40,862 This is so awesome. 1417 01:11:40,940 --> 01:11:41,964 I hope you like yours. 1418 01:11:42,041 --> 01:11:43,406 Let's see here. 1419 01:11:43,976 --> 01:11:46,001 "Friends forever." 1420 01:11:47,013 --> 01:11:49,504 Anything with forever and you in it sounds pretty good to me. 1421 01:11:49,582 --> 01:11:52,142 This is great. Just slide her on. 1422 01:11:52,218 --> 01:11:54,118 You know what's still bugging me, though? 1423 01:11:54,187 --> 01:11:57,418 That those Guidos wouldn't even let you play basketball with them. 1424 01:11:57,490 --> 01:12:00,948 We could get a court order and have them suspended in two seconds. 1425 01:12:01,027 --> 01:12:03,461 Court order? No, no, no. These guys are good guys. 1426 01:12:03,529 --> 01:12:05,759 They're just having problems adjusting. 1427 01:12:06,165 --> 01:12:08,099 Calm down. Relax. Finish your wine. 1428 01:12:08,167 --> 01:12:09,498 Come on. 1429 01:12:09,569 --> 01:12:11,127 Okay. 1430 01:12:15,842 --> 01:12:17,571 - You're right. You're right. - Yeah. 1431 01:12:17,643 --> 01:12:20,578 But you know what would really help me to relax? 1432 01:12:22,648 --> 01:12:24,047 Is a foot rub. 1433 01:12:24,750 --> 01:12:28,584 Please. Please. You'll be my bestest friend. 1434 01:12:29,422 --> 01:12:32,755 Oh, they're good. Yeah, I can handle it. Give me these. 1435 01:12:33,826 --> 01:12:36,886 You know, I love that you're a chubby chaser, by the way. 1436 01:12:36,963 --> 01:12:38,157 A chubby what-what? 1437 01:12:38,231 --> 01:12:40,256 Well, you know, Larry's heavyset. 1438 01:12:40,333 --> 01:12:43,825 I mean, is that the type of guy you've always been attracted to? 1439 01:12:44,904 --> 01:12:47,805 No, he's my first fatty. 1440 01:12:48,508 --> 01:12:52,376 Yeah, you guys really seem like you have a lot of sexual chemistry. 1441 01:12:52,445 --> 01:12:54,936 I float his boat and he sinks mine. 1442 01:12:55,414 --> 01:13:00,750 Yeah, I've never had that, really had that, with anybody before. I just... 1443 01:13:00,820 --> 01:13:03,220 I don't even know if I know what I'm doing. 1444 01:13:03,289 --> 01:13:04,289 What? 1445 01:13:04,357 --> 01:13:06,689 I'm serious. Come on. 1446 01:13:07,627 --> 01:13:10,562 Give me some moves. How do you turn Larry on? 1447 01:13:10,930 --> 01:13:13,330 How do I turn Larry on? 1448 01:13:15,067 --> 01:13:19,333 I mean, to get him into bed, of course, I just lay a pizza out... 1449 01:13:19,405 --> 01:13:20,929 - No! - ...and he comes running. 1450 01:13:21,007 --> 01:13:22,531 Really. Seriously. 1451 01:13:23,709 --> 01:13:29,409 Well, he likes it when I rub his big, hairy earlobe. 1452 01:13:29,949 --> 01:13:31,382 That gets him crazy. 1453 01:13:31,450 --> 01:13:32,474 Really? 1454 01:13:32,552 --> 01:13:34,281 Yeah, it's a spot of his. 1455 01:13:35,087 --> 01:13:36,384 Try it on me. 1456 01:13:36,455 --> 01:13:37,752 - Try it on you? - Yeah, yeah. 1457 01:13:37,823 --> 01:13:38,915 Yeah. 1458 01:13:38,991 --> 01:13:40,959 You know, I just grab it and... 1459 01:13:42,461 --> 01:13:46,898 Usually when I do this to Larry, he's like, boing! You know? 1460 01:13:47,700 --> 01:13:49,258 - I love it. - You do? 1461 01:13:49,335 --> 01:13:50,768 Yeah. Like that? 1462 01:13:50,836 --> 01:13:53,566 Sure, sure, yeah, yeah, yeah, work both hands. I like that. 1463 01:13:53,639 --> 01:13:56,403 And then you can go to some hair-pulling, right about like that. 1464 01:13:56,475 --> 01:13:57,533 - Like that? - Yeah. 1465 01:13:57,610 --> 01:13:59,737 Oh, yeah, let him know you're there, know what I mean? 1466 01:13:59,812 --> 01:14:01,712 And then the slap out of nowhere is good. 1467 01:14:01,781 --> 01:14:03,544 - That is good. - Uh-huh. 1468 01:14:04,550 --> 01:14:07,178 Yeah. Not Ultimate Fighting kind of smacking. 1469 01:14:07,253 --> 01:14:10,017 Just light and sexual and fun. Sorry. 1470 01:14:10,089 --> 01:14:12,853 How did you get to be so good at all this? 1471 01:14:12,925 --> 01:14:15,723 I don't know. A lot of practice I guess. 1472 01:14:15,795 --> 01:14:19,128 I used to be kind of a jerk. 1473 01:14:19,198 --> 01:14:23,259 But then you meet somebody special 1474 01:14:23,336 --> 01:14:26,237 who makes you not want to be a jerk anymore. 1475 01:14:26,305 --> 01:14:31,834 Actually, it makes you want to give everything you got to that one person. 1476 01:14:35,681 --> 01:14:38,673 Yeah. You know, it's true when women say that all of the good men are 1477 01:14:38,751 --> 01:14:40,912 either gay or married. 1478 01:14:40,987 --> 01:14:44,548 And of course, I'm hanging out with one who's both. 1479 01:14:44,624 --> 01:14:49,152 Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Just for the record, though, 1480 01:14:49,228 --> 01:14:52,686 if I wasn't so into chubby hubbies 1481 01:14:52,765 --> 01:14:54,824 or chunky monkeys... What did you say again? 1482 01:14:54,900 --> 01:14:55,900 Chubby chaser. 1483 01:14:55,968 --> 01:14:57,367 Oh, yeah, yeah. 1484 01:14:58,971 --> 01:15:01,098 I would be just so all over you. 1485 01:15:01,173 --> 01:15:03,835 Oh, come on. No way. 1486 01:15:03,909 --> 01:15:05,706 Are you kidding me? Look at you. 1487 01:15:05,778 --> 01:15:11,614 You're gorgeous, and you're smart, you're passionate, funny. 1488 01:15:14,253 --> 01:15:16,312 I'm just so happy I met you. 1489 01:15:16,389 --> 01:15:18,323 Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 1490 01:15:19,291 --> 01:15:21,953 Friends. Friends forever. 1491 01:15:31,837 --> 01:15:33,202 Oh, yeah. 1492 01:15:40,479 --> 01:15:42,572 Oh, my God. Oh, my God, what are we doing? 1493 01:15:42,648 --> 01:15:46,140 Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no. Hey, hey, Alex. 1494 01:15:46,719 --> 01:15:49,688 I just never felt this way about a woman before. 1495 01:15:49,755 --> 01:15:51,017 Because you're gay. 1496 01:15:51,090 --> 01:15:53,320 And you're married. And you're my client. 1497 01:15:53,492 --> 01:15:54,516 This is so wrong! 1498 01:15:54,593 --> 01:15:56,754 No, it's not about right or wrong, 1499 01:15:56,829 --> 01:16:00,094 or gay or straight, or hard or soft. It's... 1500 01:16:04,270 --> 01:16:05,362 Wow. 1501 01:16:05,971 --> 01:16:07,939 No! I can't see you. 1502 01:16:08,140 --> 01:16:10,540 I can't see you. Except as a client. 1503 01:16:10,609 --> 01:16:12,509 Alex, don't say that. Please? 1504 01:16:12,578 --> 01:16:15,638 I believe in marriage. I believe in what it represents. 1505 01:16:15,715 --> 01:16:20,914 I betrayed you. I betrayed Larry! Oh, my God, poor Larry! 1506 01:16:20,986 --> 01:16:25,548 Larry, he's a great guy, but I gotta be honest with you, our marriage is... 1507 01:16:26,325 --> 01:16:30,591 All he does is watch his baseball games, and, like, I don't even exist anymore! 1508 01:16:30,730 --> 01:16:32,254 You have to go. I'm sorry. 1509 01:16:32,665 --> 01:16:34,223 He hits me, though. 1510 01:16:34,300 --> 01:16:37,565 I'm so sorry. Please, please, please go. 1511 01:16:46,445 --> 01:16:47,503 Hey! 1512 01:16:48,848 --> 01:16:51,442 What the hell's going on out here? 1513 01:16:52,184 --> 01:16:55,620 Nothing. I'm just draining a few buckets with Eric and Tori over here, 1514 01:16:55,688 --> 01:16:57,178 making small talk, you know? 1515 01:16:57,356 --> 01:16:58,596 You'd think on such a nice day, 1516 01:16:58,624 --> 01:17:00,785 your husband would want to spend time with his family. 1517 01:17:00,860 --> 01:17:03,226 Where is he, anyway? Is he out straight-bashing again? 1518 01:17:03,295 --> 01:17:05,496 No, he's at his mother's. He's taking her to the movies. 1519 01:17:05,531 --> 01:17:08,466 No, Daddy. He's with that smoking hot lawyer lady 1520 01:17:08,534 --> 01:17:10,934 he always talks about when you're not around. 1521 01:17:11,003 --> 01:17:12,470 He is? 1522 01:17:14,039 --> 01:17:15,097 Hey! 1523 01:17:16,108 --> 01:17:19,874 I just felt a breeze, Mr. Valentine, 1524 01:17:19,945 --> 01:17:22,641 and that breeze is blowing straight towards justice. 1525 01:17:34,760 --> 01:17:37,729 Hey, guys, we got a perpetrator lodged in the air duct. 1526 01:17:37,797 --> 01:17:41,665 Apparently tried to break in last night, got stuck. 1527 01:17:41,734 --> 01:17:43,133 You're the guys from the newspaper, right? 1528 01:17:43,202 --> 01:17:45,136 Yeah, that's us. All right, well, then you're gonna love this. 1529 01:17:45,204 --> 01:17:49,641 The guy got stuck upside-down, so his ass is still hanging out for you. 1530 01:17:49,708 --> 01:17:51,869 That's pretty funny. Did your moustache come up with that? 1531 01:17:51,944 --> 01:17:54,572 Oh, I'm sorry, I don't speak Gayanese. 1532 01:17:57,516 --> 01:18:00,349 Hey, anybody! You gotta get me out of here! 1533 01:18:00,419 --> 01:18:02,512 I just peed on my face! 1534 01:18:02,588 --> 01:18:05,785 All right, relax, buddy, I'm here to help. 1535 01:18:06,158 --> 01:18:09,719 Unlike some people around here, who only help themselves. 1536 01:18:09,795 --> 01:18:11,695 - Who are you talking about? - You. 1537 01:18:11,764 --> 01:18:12,924 Why? What happened? 1538 01:18:12,998 --> 01:18:14,625 Fitzer came by today, and Tori told him about 1539 01:18:14,700 --> 01:18:16,463 your obsession with our hot-ass lawyer. 1540 01:18:16,535 --> 01:18:18,901 Obsession? What? What? What is she talking about? 1541 01:18:18,971 --> 01:18:21,599 Don't even give me that, Mr. I'm Taking My Mom To A Movie. 1542 01:18:21,674 --> 01:18:23,164 You know what? Maybe if you were around today, 1543 01:18:23,242 --> 01:18:25,403 Fitzer would actually think that, I don't know, you like me. 1544 01:18:25,477 --> 01:18:27,570 Hey, man, I gotta lie to you! 1545 01:18:27,646 --> 01:18:29,910 Thanks to you, I gotta lie to everybody! 1546 01:18:29,982 --> 01:18:33,179 Especially Alex! I can't be honest with her! 1547 01:18:33,252 --> 01:18:36,052 I can't even get close to her. I can't even have freaking fun with her! 1548 01:18:36,088 --> 01:18:39,216 Why can't you have fun with me? We always used to have fun. I just... 1549 01:18:39,291 --> 01:18:40,758 Because you've changed! 1550 01:18:40,826 --> 01:18:43,056 Ever since you forced me to marry you, 1551 01:18:43,128 --> 01:18:44,493 you're so goddamn controlling. 1552 01:18:44,563 --> 01:18:47,498 You don't act like my freaking husband, you act like my boss. 1553 01:18:47,566 --> 01:18:50,967 "Don't do this!" "Don't do that!" "Hey, what time you coming home tonight?" 1554 01:18:51,036 --> 01:18:53,470 You're smothering me, man! I can't freaking breathe! 1555 01:18:53,539 --> 01:18:55,507 What you guys need is a bubble bath. 1556 01:18:55,574 --> 01:18:56,700 Shut up! 1557 01:18:56,775 --> 01:19:00,438 Idiot, the only reason you're feeling that way is because you're afraid of feeling trapped. 1558 01:19:00,512 --> 01:19:02,173 That's what happens when you get married! 1559 01:19:02,248 --> 01:19:04,944 Fat-ass, we're not really married! 1560 01:19:05,017 --> 01:19:07,315 I'm just in some gay, crazy nightmare! 1561 01:19:07,386 --> 01:19:09,911 Yeah, that you can't commit to, 'cause you can't commit to anything! 1562 01:19:09,989 --> 01:19:13,230 I swear to God, I feel like I'm the only one who's trying to make this thing work! 1563 01:19:13,259 --> 01:19:16,990 Work! That's right, it's become work! This relationship is work! 1564 01:19:17,062 --> 01:19:19,724 Face it, we are not supposed to be together. 1565 01:19:19,798 --> 01:19:22,596 I found somebody I really want to be with. 1566 01:19:22,668 --> 01:19:24,898 Instead of being jealous of that, why don't you do the same? 1567 01:19:24,970 --> 01:19:26,699 Because I still love my wife. 1568 01:19:26,772 --> 01:19:29,070 Well, move on already. 1569 01:19:29,141 --> 01:19:32,235 Your house is like a freaking shrine to Paula! 1570 01:19:32,311 --> 01:19:35,178 One of these days you gotta get a real wife, 1571 01:19:35,247 --> 01:19:37,738 one that your kids don't gotta lie about every two seconds. 1572 01:19:37,816 --> 01:19:39,909 No, you can't keep it in your pants for five minutes, 1573 01:19:39,985 --> 01:19:41,612 and that's why we're so screwed up now! 1574 01:19:41,687 --> 01:19:44,918 Whoa, back up, buddy. You know why we're in this jam. 1575 01:19:44,990 --> 01:19:46,958 'Cause you can't open your freaking mail! 1576 01:19:47,026 --> 01:19:49,620 Everything with Paula's name on it gets tossed in a desk 1577 01:19:49,695 --> 01:19:51,788 and filed under "Too painful to deal with"! 1578 01:19:51,897 --> 01:19:54,627 Guys, could you at least call another fire department? 1579 01:19:54,700 --> 01:19:57,362 What is your rush, idiot? You're going straight to jail anyway. 1580 01:19:57,436 --> 01:20:00,371 You know what? I cannot deal with sleeping next to your stupid, ugly face tonight. 1581 01:20:00,439 --> 01:20:01,667 So don't bother coming in the bedroom. 1582 01:20:01,740 --> 01:20:03,230 Oh, wouldn't dream of it, honey. 1583 01:20:03,309 --> 01:20:06,870 You are a lousy best friend and a shitty husband! 1584 01:20:06,946 --> 01:20:10,074 Hey! For the record, every time I laughed at one of your jokes, 1585 01:20:10,149 --> 01:20:12,117 I was faking it. 1586 01:20:12,217 --> 01:20:13,844 You're a monster! 1587 01:20:19,258 --> 01:20:21,988 Oh, my God, it's Mr. February! 1588 01:20:22,061 --> 01:20:24,655 I love you, I love you, I love you! 1589 01:20:24,730 --> 01:20:26,061 I love you! 1590 01:20:30,069 --> 01:20:32,264 Wow, that's a gay bracelet. 1591 01:20:33,038 --> 01:20:34,471 I hope Fitzer sees that. 1592 01:20:36,008 --> 01:20:37,339 Shut up. 1593 01:20:47,786 --> 01:20:48,912 You needed to see us? 1594 01:20:48,988 --> 01:20:50,421 Shut the door. 1595 01:20:52,591 --> 01:20:55,151 You know, for the first time this month, 1596 01:20:55,227 --> 01:20:58,196 I pissed without spraying in all three urinals at once, 1597 01:20:58,263 --> 01:20:59,730 so I was in a relatively good mood. 1598 01:21:00,265 --> 01:21:01,823 Until I received this. 1599 01:21:04,503 --> 01:21:06,300 Seems the guys in the company took a meeting. 1600 01:21:06,372 --> 01:21:09,808 They all signed that petition requesting that I transfer you both out of here. 1601 01:21:09,875 --> 01:21:11,570 - What? - And you're gonna listen to these idiots? 1602 01:21:11,643 --> 01:21:13,372 I'm not gonna do it, but I have to do something 1603 01:21:13,445 --> 01:21:14,707 to keep the peace. 1604 01:21:14,780 --> 01:21:16,475 Now, personally, I think it's just a matter of time 1605 01:21:16,548 --> 01:21:19,346 before your little act gets busted. Until then, you're on separate shifts. 1606 01:21:19,418 --> 01:21:20,442 - What? - Separate shifts? 1607 01:21:20,519 --> 01:21:22,111 Hey, we've been together forever! 1608 01:21:22,187 --> 01:21:24,519 So were my balls, and now I only have one of them. 1609 01:21:24,590 --> 01:21:25,648 What? 1610 01:21:25,724 --> 01:21:28,215 Valentine, go to work. Levine, go home. 1611 01:21:36,235 --> 01:21:37,862 Hey, fellas! 1612 01:21:38,137 --> 01:21:42,631 Hey. Heard you guys have been circulating a petition. 1613 01:21:43,942 --> 01:21:47,139 You mind if I take a look at it? 1614 01:21:47,713 --> 01:21:50,580 Oh, what do you know? I got it right here. 1615 01:21:51,083 --> 01:21:53,244 It's impressive. Lot of names. 1616 01:21:53,452 --> 01:21:55,545 Let's go down the list, see who we got here. 1617 01:21:56,555 --> 01:22:01,117 Nootzie! Hey, you remember that time Chuck and I ran back in that textile plant 1618 01:22:01,393 --> 01:22:03,418 and dragged your limp body out? 1619 01:22:03,495 --> 01:22:06,953 Even though Chuck's leg was broken, like, in three different places? 1620 01:22:07,032 --> 01:22:10,024 I mean, that was pretty freaking gay of Chuck, huh? 1621 01:22:10,102 --> 01:22:13,003 Wow. Renaldo! 1622 01:22:13,505 --> 01:22:15,769 Man, I remember your first day on the job. 1623 01:22:15,841 --> 01:22:19,174 Remember you were so scared you actually crapped yourself? 1624 01:22:19,244 --> 01:22:20,973 And Chuck and I, we snuck you back in here, 1625 01:22:21,046 --> 01:22:22,877 we cleaned you up so nobody'd find out. 1626 01:22:22,948 --> 01:22:24,745 You begged us not to tell anyone, and did we? 1627 01:22:24,883 --> 01:22:25,883 Let's ask. 1628 01:22:26,618 --> 01:22:29,485 You guys hear that story before right now? Show of hands? 1629 01:22:29,555 --> 01:22:31,352 No, but it's hilarious. 1630 01:22:31,423 --> 01:22:33,482 Yeah, it is hilarious. 1631 01:22:35,060 --> 01:22:38,052 Tony! Nice signature. 1632 01:22:38,130 --> 01:22:40,860 Hey, is that the same one you used to endorse the check that Chuck gave you 1633 01:22:40,933 --> 01:22:43,959 when you gambled away your mortgage payment on college football? 1634 01:22:44,036 --> 01:22:46,334 I guess his money wasn't too gay to bail you out 1635 01:22:46,405 --> 01:22:48,532 or keep your wife from leaving you again. 1636 01:22:48,607 --> 01:22:49,904 Again? 1637 01:22:50,742 --> 01:22:52,403 I guess Chuck's not enough of a man 1638 01:22:52,478 --> 01:22:54,878 to work next to big strong heroes like you guys. 1639 01:22:56,014 --> 01:22:58,005 Oh, look at that. Fire. 1640 01:22:58,083 --> 01:22:59,607 Well, I hope it's not a bad one, 1641 01:22:59,685 --> 01:23:01,585 'cause the faggot who's been saving your sorry asses 1642 01:23:01,653 --> 01:23:04,645 is now, thanks to you, working on another shift. Let's go! 1643 01:23:07,860 --> 01:23:10,090 "That's when Sadie said", 1644 01:23:10,162 --> 01:23:13,256 "Love will always help you find your way home." 1645 01:23:14,533 --> 01:23:17,263 Sleeping. Sleeping. 1646 01:23:20,506 --> 01:23:22,030 That was easy. 1647 01:23:57,576 --> 01:23:59,703 Paula, you know I love you. 1648 01:24:02,047 --> 01:24:03,412 I gotta. 1649 01:24:23,101 --> 01:24:24,193 Hey. 1650 01:24:26,004 --> 01:24:27,301 I'm sorry. 1651 01:24:28,674 --> 01:24:30,039 Me, too. 1652 01:24:30,809 --> 01:24:31,833 That stuff I said... 1653 01:24:31,910 --> 01:24:33,172 I know. 1654 01:24:35,781 --> 01:24:38,045 Can I sleep in the bed tonight? 1655 01:24:40,185 --> 01:24:41,709 I'd like that. 1656 01:24:43,021 --> 01:24:44,454 All right. 1657 01:24:46,458 --> 01:24:48,255 - Come here. - Yeah. 1658 01:24:57,569 --> 01:24:59,196 Handle with care. 1659 01:25:00,572 --> 01:25:02,133 Larry... 1660 01:25:03,542 --> 01:25:08,172 Don't let him sleep on top of me again, Larry. 1661 01:25:08,247 --> 01:25:10,408 Don't do the voice. I will kill you, I swear. 1662 01:25:10,482 --> 01:25:11,608 Okay, then. 1663 01:25:11,683 --> 01:25:13,207 Hey! Hey, hey! 1664 01:25:13,285 --> 01:25:15,185 You ready for your big day, little man? 1665 01:25:15,254 --> 01:25:16,312 Big day? 1666 01:25:16,388 --> 01:25:19,824 My audition, Dad. Me and Uncle Chuck have been practicing for weeks. 1667 01:25:19,891 --> 01:25:23,190 He wanted to work with you, but I was around, so... 1668 01:25:23,262 --> 01:25:27,323 Why don't you do one last rehearsal, let your father play the Annie role? 1669 01:25:27,399 --> 01:25:29,594 Fabulicious! I'll get my music! 1670 01:25:29,668 --> 01:25:31,499 Did you hear that? It's fabulicious! 1671 01:25:31,570 --> 01:25:33,299 - Hey, come on, come on. - Okay. 1672 01:25:33,472 --> 01:25:36,771 <i>♪ May, me, my, ♪ ♪ mo, mo Me, my, mo, may. ♪</i> 1673 01:25:37,009 --> 01:25:42,447 <i>♪ Anything you can do, I can do better ♪ ♪ I can do anything better than you. ♪</i> 1674 01:25:42,614 --> 01:25:44,104 <i>♪ No, you can't ♪ ♪ Yes, I can. ♪</i> 1675 01:25:44,182 --> 01:25:45,308 <i>♪ No, you can't ♪ ♪ Yes, I can. ♪</i> 1676 01:25:45,384 --> 01:25:46,646 <i>♪ No, you can't. ♪</i> 1677 01:25:46,718 --> 01:25:48,652 <i>♪ Yes, I can, yes, I can. ♪</i> 1678 01:25:48,720 --> 01:25:50,551 Yes, he can! Hit it! 1679 01:25:51,657 --> 01:25:53,249 There's my star! 1680 01:25:53,325 --> 01:25:57,625 Turn it around, and a flip, flip, flip, flippety-flip and a skip. 1681 01:25:58,130 --> 01:25:59,529 Double-time! 1682 01:26:05,237 --> 01:26:06,499 And a Russian split! 1683 01:26:06,672 --> 01:26:08,902 Oh, you nailed it! 1684 01:26:08,974 --> 01:26:10,407 My kid is pretty awesome. 1685 01:26:10,475 --> 01:26:12,534 There's only one guy I know who can dance better than that. 1686 01:26:12,611 --> 01:26:14,704 - Who? - The homeless guy from our wedding. 1687 01:26:16,081 --> 01:26:18,572 That dude was pretty good. Yeah! 1688 01:26:21,586 --> 01:26:23,247 Balls and wieners. 1689 01:26:23,322 --> 01:26:24,346 <i>Is it true?</i> 1690 01:26:24,556 --> 01:26:25,750 Alex? 1691 01:26:28,527 --> 01:26:29,653 Look at this. 1692 01:26:29,861 --> 01:26:33,160 Sixteen depositions from women who claim to have slept with you 1693 01:26:33,231 --> 01:26:34,664 over the last year and a half. 1694 01:26:34,733 --> 01:26:36,166 Just 16? 1695 01:26:36,234 --> 01:26:38,293 Thank God the 500 other ones couldn't read or write. 1696 01:26:38,370 --> 01:26:41,635 Wait a minute. You knew about him and all these women? 1697 01:26:41,707 --> 01:26:44,437 Alex, know what it is? We've been through this before. 1698 01:26:44,509 --> 01:26:45,669 Chuck's... 1699 01:26:45,844 --> 01:26:48,244 He's got a bit of a problem. 1700 01:26:48,313 --> 01:26:51,373 He messes around with women because 1701 01:26:52,551 --> 01:26:54,985 he's ashamed of being gay. 1702 01:26:55,053 --> 01:26:57,453 Now, is it all just about you, 1703 01:26:57,556 --> 01:27:00,320 or do you really just don't consider anybody else's feelings? 1704 01:27:00,392 --> 01:27:02,986 No, I don't. I'm just a big gay jerk. 1705 01:27:06,264 --> 01:27:08,105 - What are you doing? - You know you like that. 1706 01:27:08,133 --> 01:27:10,829 Guys, guys, the shit is about to hit the fan, okay? 1707 01:27:10,902 --> 01:27:12,130 And if I'm gonna defend you, 1708 01:27:12,204 --> 01:27:14,365 I have to know the truth. 1709 01:27:14,439 --> 01:27:18,205 You have to look me in the eyes and tell me that you are gay 1710 01:27:18,276 --> 01:27:19,743 and that this marriage is legitimate. 1711 01:27:19,811 --> 01:27:22,678 Alex, we're gay, okay? 1712 01:27:22,748 --> 01:27:25,080 And we are married. 1713 01:27:29,187 --> 01:27:30,745 It's real. 1714 01:27:32,824 --> 01:27:34,348 Can you help us out? 1715 01:27:34,860 --> 01:27:36,259 Okay. 1716 01:27:37,629 --> 01:27:40,291 Okay. This investigation is gonna get rough. 1717 01:27:40,465 --> 01:27:43,161 They are gonna quiz you about every detail of your lives, 1718 01:27:43,235 --> 01:27:45,601 every aspect of your relationship. 1719 01:27:45,670 --> 01:27:50,107 But since you guys are telling the truth, then I'm sure you'll be fine. 1720 01:27:51,743 --> 01:27:54,974 Just for the record, I thought this was a man when I was with her. 1721 01:27:55,046 --> 01:27:56,911 Does that help us out at all? 1722 01:28:04,689 --> 01:28:07,157 Let's go over it again. Your birthday? 1723 01:28:07,225 --> 01:28:09,284 April 26th. Taurus. 1724 01:28:09,361 --> 01:28:10,487 Got it. 1725 01:28:10,562 --> 01:28:11,654 Yours? 1726 01:28:11,730 --> 01:28:12,890 September 9th. Virgo. 1727 01:28:13,732 --> 01:28:15,461 How about your favorite brand of underwear? 1728 01:28:15,534 --> 01:28:17,399 That would be Mr. Calvin Klein. 1729 01:28:17,469 --> 01:28:19,835 I can tell you my least favorite. 1730 01:28:19,905 --> 01:28:20,997 Whoa! 1731 01:28:47,499 --> 01:28:49,399 I love you, Mr. February! 1732 01:28:49,868 --> 01:28:52,564 You're going down! You're an abomination! Homo! 1733 01:28:56,541 --> 01:28:58,532 I'm on fire! Help me! 1734 01:28:58,610 --> 01:29:00,339 We're all with you, Larry! 1735 01:29:00,412 --> 01:29:02,607 <i>Fear the queer!</i> 1736 01:29:12,290 --> 01:29:14,588 Thou shalt not lie with men! 1737 01:29:14,659 --> 01:29:16,957 All right, Mr. February, 1738 01:29:17,028 --> 01:29:19,758 let's go show these guys how married we are. 1739 01:29:19,831 --> 01:29:21,389 What the heck? 1740 01:29:34,880 --> 01:29:36,370 What are you guys doing here? 1741 01:29:36,448 --> 01:29:40,714 We're here to apologize and back you up, like you always did for us. 1742 01:29:40,785 --> 01:29:44,448 Yeah, we all lost a lot of friends on this job that we will never get back. 1743 01:29:44,523 --> 01:29:47,458 We don't want to lose two more because we were being thickheaded. 1744 01:29:47,526 --> 01:29:49,790 Yeah. We're partners for life. 1745 01:29:50,228 --> 01:29:52,196 Not partners like youse two, 1746 01:29:52,264 --> 01:29:54,255 but you know what I mean. 1747 01:29:54,332 --> 01:29:55,458 Yeah. 1748 01:29:56,468 --> 01:29:57,867 I love youse guys. 1749 01:29:57,936 --> 01:29:59,267 That's all right, man. 1750 01:29:59,337 --> 01:30:02,238 Molest him! No, I'm just kidding. I'm kidding you, Nootz. I'm kidding. 1751 01:30:06,177 --> 01:30:07,906 - Hey, Chuckie. - Yeah? 1752 01:30:08,046 --> 01:30:10,412 - I gotta ask you something. I mean... - What's up? 1753 01:30:10,482 --> 01:30:11,915 ...why'd you pick Larry? 1754 01:30:12,150 --> 01:30:16,052 I mean, I work out, I tweeze my unibrow. 1755 01:30:16,555 --> 01:30:18,853 Am I not good-looking enough for you or some shit? 1756 01:30:18,924 --> 01:30:21,119 No, no, no. Renaldo, you're just not my type. 1757 01:30:21,192 --> 01:30:22,523 You're a 10. 1758 01:30:22,861 --> 01:30:26,058 I just like them chubby. That's my thing. 1759 01:30:28,500 --> 01:30:29,762 I'm a 10! 1760 01:30:30,035 --> 01:30:33,027 You hear that? I'm a 10! 1761 01:30:33,104 --> 01:30:34,799 On a scale to 100. 1762 01:30:35,240 --> 01:30:38,539 You're just jealous 'cause gay guys like me. 1763 01:30:40,245 --> 01:30:43,544 Good morning, everyone. I'm Daniel Banks, City Council President, 1764 01:30:43,615 --> 01:30:46,607 and I'll be presiding over these proceedings. 1765 01:30:46,685 --> 01:30:50,018 It's going to be a long day, so let's dispense with the preliminaries 1766 01:30:50,088 --> 01:30:53,819 and just get started. Mr. Fitzer. 1767 01:30:58,730 --> 01:31:00,857 Thank you, Your Councilship. 1768 01:31:07,539 --> 01:31:09,063 It's for later. 1769 01:31:10,508 --> 01:31:14,410 Mr. Valentine, please tell us why you married Mr. Levine. 1770 01:31:17,716 --> 01:31:18,808 Love. 1771 01:31:18,883 --> 01:31:21,181 Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm talking about! Gay love! 1772 01:31:21,252 --> 01:31:22,412 Please sit down, sir. 1773 01:31:22,487 --> 01:31:23,852 Sorry. 1774 01:31:26,057 --> 01:31:28,048 - Mr. Levine. - Yeah. 1775 01:31:28,827 --> 01:31:31,955 Sixteen local women claim to have had 1776 01:31:32,030 --> 01:31:36,194 sexual relations with you as recently as mid-April, 1777 01:31:36,267 --> 01:31:42,172 including four Canadian strippers the morning of your "marriage." 1778 01:31:44,476 --> 01:31:49,175 That's true. I did have sexual relationships with them girls, 1779 01:31:50,515 --> 01:31:54,349 but I was kind of having a commitment issue. 1780 01:31:55,120 --> 01:31:57,111 Larry's forgiven me for that. 1781 01:31:57,689 --> 01:31:59,850 And that's all that counts to me is what Larry thinks. 1782 01:31:59,924 --> 01:32:01,687 That's right, Fitzer, you suck! 1783 01:32:01,760 --> 01:32:03,921 One more and you're out, sir. 1784 01:32:03,995 --> 01:32:07,192 Sorry, sir, you're cool. He sucks. I'm gay. I'm out. All right. 1785 01:32:07,265 --> 01:32:09,699 We should question them ex parte. 1786 01:32:09,768 --> 01:32:11,167 Gentlemen. Yeah? 1787 01:32:11,236 --> 01:32:14,330 At this time, we'd like to interview you individually. 1788 01:32:14,406 --> 01:32:16,431 Mr. Levine, please step outside. 1789 01:32:18,343 --> 01:32:19,970 Yeah. No problem. 1790 01:32:23,682 --> 01:32:24,910 I'll miss you. 1791 01:32:24,983 --> 01:32:26,211 I'll miss you, too, buddy. 1792 01:32:27,185 --> 01:32:28,413 I like it rough! 1793 01:32:28,486 --> 01:32:29,976 One for the road. 1794 01:32:30,055 --> 01:32:31,818 Like it rough. 1795 01:32:32,757 --> 01:32:35,123 I did the cooking until Chuck moved in. 1796 01:32:35,894 --> 01:32:37,225 The toilet was thankful. 1797 01:32:37,328 --> 01:32:41,662 He ain't the greatest chef in the world. I'm Wolfgang Puck to his Wolfgang Suck. 1798 01:32:41,733 --> 01:32:45,032 We met back in the fire academy in 1987. 1799 01:32:45,103 --> 01:32:46,798 I was top of our class. 1800 01:32:46,871 --> 01:32:49,533 He burned off his eyebrows first day. Gone. 1801 01:32:49,607 --> 01:32:52,701 Larry tried to eat the fire, I remember that. 1802 01:32:52,777 --> 01:32:56,178 <i>His favorite song, Don't Fear the Reaper, Blue Oyster Cult.</i> 1803 01:32:56,247 --> 01:32:59,944 <i>You're Beautiful by James Blunt. And people think I'm the woman.</i> 1804 01:33:00,018 --> 01:33:01,815 <i>♪ You're beautiful. ♪</i> 1805 01:33:01,886 --> 01:33:04,377 Just gets me every time. I don't know. 1806 01:33:04,456 --> 01:33:06,253 <i>♪ You're beautiful. ♪</i> 1807 01:33:07,192 --> 01:33:08,955 That is a nice song. 1808 01:33:09,928 --> 01:33:13,420 The thing he likes most about me is probably my love handles. 1809 01:33:13,998 --> 01:33:15,260 All of them. 1810 01:33:15,333 --> 01:33:19,702 I'd say my sweet, sensitive eyes, like that of a kitten. 1811 01:33:21,973 --> 01:33:23,964 The worst day we ever had on the job? 1812 01:33:24,042 --> 01:33:27,205 This little kid fell in a swimming pool. 1813 01:33:27,445 --> 01:33:29,345 Chuck was the first one there. 1814 01:33:29,414 --> 01:33:30,574 I dove in. 1815 01:33:30,749 --> 01:33:31,773 He pulled him out. 1816 01:33:31,850 --> 01:33:32,850 I worked on him. 1817 01:33:32,917 --> 01:33:36,045 Worked on him, worked on him, but... 1818 01:33:36,421 --> 01:33:38,753 And Larry stayed with me all that night. 1819 01:33:39,691 --> 01:33:42,558 I just couldn't get that kid out of my head. 1820 01:33:45,897 --> 01:33:47,797 When my wife died... 1821 01:33:47,866 --> 01:33:49,595 That was the worst. 1822 01:33:50,802 --> 01:33:52,030 ...I collapsed. 1823 01:33:52,103 --> 01:33:53,661 He knew it was coming, but... 1824 01:33:53,738 --> 01:33:56,639 What we have, it's beyond friendship. 1825 01:33:57,375 --> 01:33:59,502 He's the best man I know. 1826 01:33:59,577 --> 01:34:01,636 I'd do anything for him. 1827 01:34:02,046 --> 01:34:03,206 I love him. 1828 01:34:03,915 --> 01:34:05,405 I love him. 1829 01:34:08,453 --> 01:34:09,920 What's going on? How'd you do? 1830 01:34:09,988 --> 01:34:11,546 It was good. It was no problem. 1831 01:34:11,623 --> 01:34:13,557 You want me to grab those? See if they're real again? 1832 01:34:13,625 --> 01:34:14,625 I'm sorry? 1833 01:34:14,692 --> 01:34:16,057 I says are we done yet? 1834 01:34:16,361 --> 01:34:19,091 Not quite. They want to talk to the kids. 1835 01:34:19,964 --> 01:34:23,730 Now, why don't you tell us about their sleeping arrangements? 1836 01:34:23,802 --> 01:34:25,929 Dad and Uncle Chuck sleep in the same bed. 1837 01:34:26,004 --> 01:34:27,369 Do you know why? 1838 01:34:27,438 --> 01:34:29,338 'Cause they do everything together. 1839 01:34:29,407 --> 01:34:31,398 Just like Will and Grace. 1840 01:34:35,980 --> 01:34:39,177 It is kind of an unusual situation, isn't it? 1841 01:34:39,984 --> 01:34:41,349 Having two fathers? 1842 01:34:41,886 --> 01:34:43,820 I don't have two fathers. 1843 01:34:46,257 --> 01:34:47,519 I have my daddy, 1844 01:34:47,592 --> 01:34:51,084 and Uncle Chuck is more like a mommy, 'cause to me he seems like a girl. 1845 01:34:52,730 --> 01:34:55,221 Why am I the woman? I don't get it. 1846 01:34:55,934 --> 01:34:57,060 Okay, that's all, thank you. 1847 01:34:57,135 --> 01:34:58,830 Bottlenose dolphins. 1848 01:34:59,370 --> 01:35:03,363 Orcas, gray whales, harbor seals and West Indian manatees. 1849 01:35:03,508 --> 01:35:04,508 Huh? 1850 01:35:04,809 --> 01:35:07,539 Species that sometimes mate with the same sex. 1851 01:35:07,712 --> 01:35:12,740 Bottlenose dolphins, orcas, gray whales, harbor seals and West Indian manatees. 1852 01:35:13,351 --> 01:35:16,343 I didn't know that. But now I'm glad I do. 1853 01:35:16,454 --> 01:35:18,149 Thank you, my dear. 1854 01:35:21,492 --> 01:35:25,553 Remind me never to go skinny-dipping with the bottlenose dolphins. 1855 01:35:29,234 --> 01:35:34,297 I just have to say that as a fellow gay fireman... 1856 01:35:35,106 --> 01:35:36,232 He's gay, too? 1857 01:35:36,307 --> 01:35:37,934 That's right, fellas, I'm gay. 1858 01:35:38,476 --> 01:35:40,501 You guys have a problem with that? 1859 01:35:40,578 --> 01:35:43,672 No, no problem. You do whatever you like. Yeah. 1860 01:35:45,116 --> 01:35:46,549 And Chuck and Larry, 1861 01:35:47,318 --> 01:35:50,048 you've inspired me to want to find my soul mate. 1862 01:35:51,522 --> 01:35:53,012 Wherever he may be. 1863 01:35:53,458 --> 01:35:55,790 Hey, I'm a 10. I'm a 10. 1864 01:35:56,027 --> 01:35:58,052 You're not my type. Sorry. 1865 01:35:59,063 --> 01:36:01,224 Fitzer, can we wrap this up? 1866 01:36:01,432 --> 01:36:04,993 I just have one more question to ask, 1867 01:36:05,069 --> 01:36:07,537 if these gentlemen would indulge me for a moment. 1868 01:36:07,605 --> 01:36:09,539 By all means, Mr. Fitzer. 1869 01:36:10,341 --> 01:36:12,104 Chuck, Larry, 1870 01:36:12,644 --> 01:36:17,240 would you say that there's a fair amount of passion in your relationship? 1871 01:36:17,882 --> 01:36:19,008 Absolutely. 1872 01:36:19,083 --> 01:36:20,684 More passion than you can imagine, buddy. 1873 01:36:20,685 --> 01:36:22,175 - Yes. - How wonderful. 1874 01:36:22,687 --> 01:36:26,145 Now, if you'd be so kind, I'd like you to kiss each other. 1875 01:36:26,224 --> 01:36:27,919 You'd like to... What was that? 1876 01:36:27,992 --> 01:36:31,018 Councilman Banks, my clients have been more than accommodating. 1877 01:36:31,095 --> 01:36:33,825 And to ask for a display of intimacy in the middle of a crowded room 1878 01:36:33,898 --> 01:36:35,229 is simply demeaning. 1879 01:36:35,300 --> 01:36:37,962 I'm afraid I have to agree. We seem to have gone 1880 01:36:38,036 --> 01:36:42,029 from a hearing about fraud to some kind of weird gay witch hunt. 1881 01:36:43,141 --> 01:36:45,507 I'm just saying, Your Exellegance, 1882 01:36:45,576 --> 01:36:48,511 that if these two men are as in love as they say they are, 1883 01:36:48,579 --> 01:36:50,570 I don't see why this should be a problem. 1884 01:36:50,648 --> 01:36:53,048 I'm just asking for one kiss, Councilman. 1885 01:36:53,117 --> 01:36:56,416 Yeah! Come on, fellas, show them how real men kiss! Come on! 1886 01:36:56,487 --> 01:37:00,583 I will not stand for it! This is unbelievable! No. Absolutely not. 1887 01:37:00,658 --> 01:37:02,922 Hey, come on, no. The Councilman agreed. 1888 01:37:02,994 --> 01:37:04,427 It's demeaning to us. 1889 01:37:04,495 --> 01:37:08,454 Plus, we don't want to get you all horny. Me and this guy, we... It could get steamy. 1890 01:37:08,533 --> 01:37:13,402 Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! 1891 01:37:13,471 --> 01:37:14,768 Order. 1892 01:37:15,673 --> 01:37:16,901 Order! 1893 01:37:17,942 --> 01:37:19,462 Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! 1894 01:37:19,510 --> 01:37:21,034 I'm not doing this, Alex. 1895 01:37:21,112 --> 01:37:23,046 You know what? Just go for it. 1896 01:37:23,982 --> 01:37:25,381 - Well? - Order! 1897 01:37:27,485 --> 01:37:29,385 I guess it's showtime. 1898 01:37:30,855 --> 01:37:32,550 Going in straight... 1899 01:37:32,623 --> 01:37:34,614 Coming out gay? 1900 01:38:04,589 --> 01:38:08,855 Enough! I'd rather change my grandfather's diaper 1901 01:38:08,926 --> 01:38:10,393 than see two straight guys kissing. 1902 01:38:10,461 --> 01:38:11,951 But we're not straight. 1903 01:38:12,030 --> 01:38:13,510 We're not. We're in gay love, Captain! 1904 01:38:13,564 --> 01:38:15,998 - Can't you deal with that? - Oh, shut up. 1905 01:38:16,067 --> 01:38:18,763 If these gentlemen are gay, then I'm a one-legged parrot. 1906 01:38:18,836 --> 01:38:21,134 Anybody seen me with a crutch and a cracker? 1907 01:38:21,606 --> 01:38:22,606 I didn't think so. 1908 01:38:23,007 --> 01:38:24,736 And who might you be, sir? 1909 01:38:24,809 --> 01:38:26,777 Captain Phineas J. Tucker, Councilman. 1910 01:38:26,844 --> 01:38:29,972 You may search my record. I hold multiple citations 1911 01:38:30,048 --> 01:38:33,575 from Mayor Dinkins, Mayor Koch and, of course, the great Mayor Giuliani. 1912 01:38:33,651 --> 01:38:37,052 And let me tell you something. These men definitely broke the rules. 1913 01:38:37,121 --> 01:38:39,817 They lied on a government form and they swore it was true, 1914 01:38:39,891 --> 01:38:41,654 which is despicable. 1915 01:38:41,926 --> 01:38:45,760 But interestingly enough, Excellency, 1916 01:38:45,830 --> 01:38:48,025 even though they were deceitful to us all, 1917 01:38:48,099 --> 01:38:50,693 I actually believe they ended up doing some good. 1918 01:38:50,768 --> 01:38:52,633 What good are you speaking of, Captain? 1919 01:38:52,703 --> 01:38:54,398 Well, first off, 1920 01:38:54,472 --> 01:38:56,997 they let us know that when a friend is in need, 1921 01:38:57,075 --> 01:38:59,942 you go beyond extraordinary lengths to help out. 1922 01:39:00,011 --> 01:39:02,445 Whenever, whatever. That's the code. 1923 01:39:02,513 --> 01:39:05,209 Then they apparently inspired fellow firefighter Fred G. Duncan 1924 01:39:05,283 --> 01:39:07,808 to come out of his super-sized closet, 1925 01:39:07,885 --> 01:39:09,648 thus releasing his rage 1926 01:39:09,720 --> 01:39:13,315 and preventing what looked like to be an inevitable killing spree. 1927 01:39:16,694 --> 01:39:18,559 And most importantly, 1928 01:39:18,629 --> 01:39:21,496 they showed us that no matter whom we choose to love, 1929 01:39:21,566 --> 01:39:26,196 be they heterosexual, homosexual, asexual, bisexual, trisexual, quadrisexual, 1930 01:39:26,270 --> 01:39:28,500 pansexual, transsexual, omnisexual, 1931 01:39:28,573 --> 01:39:33,476 or that thing where the chick ties the belt around your neck and tinkles on a balloon, 1932 01:39:35,113 --> 01:39:39,345 it has absolutely nothing to do with who we are as people. 1933 01:39:53,531 --> 01:39:56,227 It's true, Councilman Banks. 1934 01:39:59,003 --> 01:40:00,402 Let them know. 1935 01:40:00,471 --> 01:40:01,938 We're not gay. 1936 01:40:03,608 --> 01:40:04,632 No. 1937 01:40:05,610 --> 01:40:08,738 Unfortunately, we hurt people, 1938 01:40:08,813 --> 01:40:13,273 people we wouldn't want to hurt in a million years, by doing what we did. 1939 01:40:14,652 --> 01:40:18,611 For the record, the word "faggot," that's a bad word. 1940 01:40:18,689 --> 01:40:21,590 Don't use it. I used to say it more than anybody, 1941 01:40:21,659 --> 01:40:23,650 but I was ignorant. It's hurtful. 1942 01:40:23,895 --> 01:40:26,921 It's like "kike" for me. 1943 01:40:27,431 --> 01:40:29,296 Or "fat boy" for me. 1944 01:40:31,369 --> 01:40:33,030 It stings a little when you poke fun of my weight. 1945 01:40:33,104 --> 01:40:34,594 - I didn't know that. - Yeah, sometimes it... 1946 01:40:34,672 --> 01:40:36,572 - I only do it 'cause you do it. - I know, but I work hard... 1947 01:40:36,641 --> 01:40:39,701 <i>What is this? Gays of Our Lives?</i> 1948 01:40:40,244 --> 01:40:42,269 Shall we cue the violins? 1949 01:40:43,047 --> 01:40:45,174 This isn't a folk concert, it's a hearing. 1950 01:40:45,249 --> 01:40:50,516 And I believe I hear the sound of two felons going to jail 1951 01:40:51,189 --> 01:40:53,851 for stealing from the City of New York. 1952 01:40:53,925 --> 01:40:56,951 What exactly have we stolen? Nothing! 1953 01:40:57,962 --> 01:41:00,760 Due to a weird rule in a flawed system, 1954 01:41:00,831 --> 01:41:03,698 my friend Larry here had to create this lie. 1955 01:41:03,768 --> 01:41:06,635 The system may be flawed at times, Mr. Feb-blueberry. 1956 01:41:06,704 --> 01:41:08,171 "I'm in a calendar!" 1957 01:41:09,907 --> 01:41:13,138 But it's the law. And we all have to abide by it. 1958 01:41:16,781 --> 01:41:19,272 I'm sorry, but you did break the law. 1959 01:41:19,350 --> 01:41:20,408 Oh, God. 1960 01:41:20,484 --> 01:41:21,712 Daddy! 1961 01:41:22,954 --> 01:41:24,979 Councilman Banks. Councilman. 1962 01:41:26,157 --> 01:41:28,091 Well, you better have cuffs for three, 1963 01:41:28,626 --> 01:41:30,423 because I'm going to jail with them. 1964 01:41:30,494 --> 01:41:31,984 How is that, Captain? 1965 01:41:32,063 --> 01:41:34,759 I'm a co-conspirator. I knew all about this little scam 1966 01:41:34,832 --> 01:41:36,857 from day one, and I didn't say a thing about it. 1967 01:41:36,934 --> 01:41:38,458 - Captain! - You don't have to do this. Please. 1968 01:41:38,536 --> 01:41:39,560 Yeah, he didn't know nothing. 1969 01:41:39,637 --> 01:41:41,628 Fine. I'll have all three of you arrested. 1970 01:41:43,841 --> 01:41:48,244 Slap some cuffs on me, 'cause I helped them plan the wedding. 1971 01:41:48,312 --> 01:41:49,836 I drove them to the airport. 1972 01:41:49,914 --> 01:41:51,381 I picked out Chuck's dress. 1973 01:41:51,449 --> 01:41:52,473 Yeah, I knew about it. 1974 01:41:52,550 --> 01:41:55,110 Dress? Why does everybody assume I'm the woman? 1975 01:41:55,186 --> 01:41:57,245 Is it the way I walk? What is it? 1976 01:41:57,321 --> 01:42:00,518 And I caught the bouquet! In my mouth. I liked it. 1977 01:42:02,460 --> 01:42:04,724 See, that's the way it works with us firemen, sir. 1978 01:42:04,795 --> 01:42:07,355 You throw one of us in the fire, we all go rushing in. 1979 01:42:08,566 --> 01:42:12,696 You throw one of us in jail, you gotta throw the whole lot of us in jail. 1980 01:42:12,770 --> 01:42:15,330 So? What's it gonna be? 1981 01:42:18,376 --> 01:42:20,571 Everything would have been fine if you'd just let 1982 01:42:20,645 --> 01:42:22,306 me and Larry make out like we were gonna. 1983 01:42:22,413 --> 01:42:24,404 Then you had to go all Knute Rockne on us. 1984 01:42:24,482 --> 01:42:27,349 I am your commanding officer. I will not be addressed in that manner. 1985 01:42:27,418 --> 01:42:29,579 Not in here you're not, you porcupine-head. 1986 01:42:29,654 --> 01:42:31,774 No, in here you're the big mouth who got us locked up. 1987 01:42:31,822 --> 01:42:33,221 We should whup your ass! 1988 01:42:33,291 --> 01:42:34,519 Yeah! Yeah! 1989 01:42:35,793 --> 01:42:37,055 That's right. 1990 01:42:37,128 --> 01:42:38,254 Hey, Chuck. 1991 01:42:38,329 --> 01:42:40,160 Jeez, Larry. What? 1992 01:42:40,231 --> 01:42:44,998 Free Chuck and Larry! Free Chuck and Larry! 1993 01:42:45,703 --> 01:42:46,863 What? 1994 01:42:46,937 --> 01:42:49,269 Yo, dum-dums! You got a visitor. 1995 01:42:52,843 --> 01:42:55,778 Well, gentlemen, that was quite a hearing. 1996 01:42:55,846 --> 01:42:56,972 Mr. Levine, Mr. Valentine. 1997 01:42:57,048 --> 01:42:58,538 All right. 1998 01:42:59,250 --> 01:43:01,878 The city would like to offer you a deal. 1999 01:43:01,952 --> 01:43:04,944 We're willing to drop all charges and allow you to keep your benefits, 2000 01:43:05,022 --> 01:43:06,489 with two conditions. 2001 01:43:06,590 --> 01:43:10,048 One, you plead guilty to falsifying a government form. 2002 01:43:10,261 --> 01:43:13,025 The charge is reduced to a misdemeanor, you get a slap on the wrist, 2003 01:43:13,097 --> 01:43:14,860 and the city saves face. 2004 01:43:14,932 --> 01:43:16,160 - Done. - Done. Absolutely. 2005 01:43:16,233 --> 01:43:19,430 Two, you are celebrities in the gay community now. 2006 01:43:19,904 --> 01:43:22,270 They've obviously not only accepted your apology, 2007 01:43:22,340 --> 01:43:24,774 they think you're heroes. 2008 01:43:24,842 --> 01:43:28,938 Now, raising money for AIDS research is still very crucial, 2009 01:43:29,547 --> 01:43:33,074 and the community has figured out a way for you all to help. 2010 01:43:33,150 --> 01:43:34,344 - Whatever it takes. - Yeah. 2011 01:43:34,418 --> 01:43:35,979 - What do you need us to do? - We're in. 2012 01:44:16,160 --> 01:44:19,425 These two guys right here talking about doing something pretty serious. 2013 01:44:19,497 --> 01:44:23,627 Making a commitment to love each other forever. 2014 01:44:23,701 --> 01:44:27,967 Now before, they were on the down-low, living a life that was a lie. 2015 01:44:29,373 --> 01:44:32,706 Now, in a lie, it's like a circle. 2016 01:44:33,744 --> 01:44:35,109 It never ends. 2017 01:44:35,646 --> 01:44:38,547 You know? It's not like a rectangle. 2018 01:44:38,616 --> 01:44:41,210 'Cause that has a bunch of, you know, places that stop. 2019 01:44:41,285 --> 01:44:42,485 This one is a big circle of... 2020 01:44:42,553 --> 01:44:44,316 Okay, you know, wrap up the circle thing. Come on. 2021 01:44:44,388 --> 01:44:45,719 Moving on. 2022 01:44:45,790 --> 01:44:47,052 I'm gonna move quicker now. 2023 01:44:48,793 --> 01:44:51,421 Do you, Kevin "Butterfly" McDonough, 2024 01:44:51,495 --> 01:44:56,364 take Fred G. Duncan to be your lawful wedded partner? 2025 01:44:57,334 --> 01:44:58,562 I dizoo. 2026 01:44:59,537 --> 01:45:01,732 And do you, Fred G. Duncan, 2027 01:45:01,806 --> 01:45:05,469 take this guy over here to be your lawfully wedded partner? 2028 01:45:05,543 --> 01:45:06,805 I do. 2029 01:45:06,877 --> 01:45:08,469 Well, then, by the power vested in me 2030 01:45:08,546 --> 01:45:11,310 by the Commonwealth of Canada and the Province of Ontario, 2031 01:45:11,382 --> 01:45:15,318 which has always been very pro-gay, unlike that uptight country to the south, 2032 01:45:15,386 --> 01:45:19,652 it's my pleasure to now pronounce you husband and husband, partners for life. 2033 01:45:53,557 --> 01:45:55,787 There's my lawyer. 2034 01:45:55,860 --> 01:45:57,725 You don't wanna dance, do you? 2035 01:45:58,162 --> 01:46:00,221 I don't think so. 2036 01:46:00,831 --> 01:46:03,322 Your brother forgave me. Now, why can't you? 2037 01:46:03,400 --> 01:46:08,303 Well, my brother wasn't the one that you felt up under false pretenses. 2038 01:46:08,372 --> 01:46:11,172 You mean you only let me touch your boobs 'cause you thought I was gay? 2039 01:46:11,342 --> 01:46:12,342 That's sexist. 2040 01:46:12,476 --> 01:46:16,139 I could bring that to the courtroom. You could be my lawyer. 2041 01:46:18,682 --> 01:46:20,240 Look at Larry, though. 2042 01:46:20,885 --> 01:46:23,115 Looks like he took my advice and moved on. 2043 01:46:23,187 --> 01:46:27,248 Which is great for him, but I don't have anybody to hang out with anymore. 2044 01:46:27,324 --> 01:46:31,727 I mean, these bracelets here... It says, "Friends forever." 2045 01:46:33,998 --> 01:46:37,900 I haven't taken this thing off since we made them that day. You? 2046 01:46:40,237 --> 01:46:42,364 Yeah, that's what I thought. 2047 01:46:57,154 --> 01:47:00,555 Well, you've got about 30 seconds before I come to my senses. 2048 01:47:02,660 --> 01:47:04,525 - Really? - Yes. 2049 01:47:04,595 --> 01:47:07,860 And this is my jam, too. Come on. 2050 01:47:08,699 --> 01:47:10,826 What a delicious-looking cake! 2051 01:47:11,001 --> 01:47:14,300 Oh, maybe Tori would like to try it. 2052 01:47:14,371 --> 01:47:16,839 That's nice. You gay, her father. It's nice. 2053 01:47:16,907 --> 01:47:19,432 No, I'm not gay. This is Larry's daughter, Tori. 2054 01:47:19,510 --> 01:47:21,842 Oh, it's okay, man. You can come out of the down-low. 2055 01:47:21,912 --> 01:47:23,709 I don't have to come out! I'm married. 2056 01:47:23,781 --> 01:47:25,501 Which one's your husband? You point him out. 2057 01:47:25,549 --> 01:47:27,107 No, no! The lady in there. 2058 01:47:27,184 --> 01:47:28,344 Which guy? 2059 01:47:28,419 --> 01:47:29,511 No, no guy. No. 2060 01:47:29,587 --> 01:47:32,420 Hey, you know when you lie, it's like a circle. 2061 01:47:32,489 --> 01:47:33,513 I'm not lying!