(drumroll)
(rousing orchestral fanfare playing)
(fanfare ends)
(gentle acoustic melody playing)
(woman, backup singers singing)
BRENDA: Honey, you got the baby?
(singing continues)
RICHARD: Yeah, yeah, I got the...
I'll get the baby. I thought you had him.
(baby crying)
(singing continues)
- (crying) - RICHARD: Coming. Coming.
Oh!
(crying)
(singing continues)
RICHARD: Daddy's got you.
Daddy's got you.
Where's my kiss?
Come on. Come on.
RICHARD: Come on. Come on.
(singing continues)
You're doing it wrong.
What are you talking about?
You don't even know what I'm doing.
I can tell by the cry.
Come on, take Kelly.
I got this.
Go ahead.
Hey, my big boy... Hi.
(singing continues)
BRENDA: Aw...
That's my big boy.
Oh, yes...
RICHARD: Hi, I'm Richard Cooper.
And that's my wife Brenda.
We have two incredible children, Brian and Kelly.
We've been married close to seven years.
My wife is beautiful, intelligent
and a great mother.
It's the perfect life.
There's just one problem:
- I'm bored out of my fucking mind. - (singing ends)
Now, I'm sure I'd have a much rosier outlook on life
if my wife and I actually had sex,
but there always seems to be something wrong.
No, my face hurts.
It's not your birthday.
We both work, we're both tired, but that's no excuse.
To be honest, I don't know
how much more of this I can take.
Richard, do you think perhaps you work too much?
Oh, no, no, no.
I-I work, too. I do.
But I come home from work, and I have to take care of the kids,
and I have to take care of you.
And frankly, I'm tired.
I'm tired.
Too tired to wear a nice pair of panties?
What's wrong with my panties?
They're huge!
You know, the biggest thing on a pair of panties
should be the tag.
That's all I want to see: tag and ass.
Tag and ass!
BRENDA: You see? You see?
- This is what I'm talking about. - Mm-hmm.
You see how insensitive he is?
You know, Brenda, maybe I'd be more sensitive
if you'd have sex with me.
It seems like the only time
she wants to have sex with me is to make a baby.
The only time you want to make a baby with me
is to have sex.
That doesn't make any sense!
Well, that's because I'm tired!
Now we're making progress.
RICHARD: I hated that therapist.
She wasn't married and didn't have any kids.
You know,
when you're on a plane, you kind of want a pilot
with more experience than you.
But maybe that's just me.
Now, what I can't figure out is how can my wife
not have sex with me, and then send me out
into a world with so many beautiful women?
That's like dropping me into the ocean
and expecting me to not get wet.
I mean, every single woman that I see
I have an imaginary relationship with.
Like this one.
Ah, she's got beautiful lips.
But if we got married, how long would it be
before I got tired of those lips?
How long would it be
before those lips called me an asshole?
And look at her.
What a smile.
She looks happy now,
but if I was married to her for eight years,
I'd just be thinking about that phone bill.
I don't know.
And look at her.
Look at those eyes, those cheekbones.
She's like a painting... a painting I'd love to mount.
No matter where my head is,
when I get to Manhattan, I'm fine.
I love the city, rats and all.
I love my job.
I'm an investment banker at a mid-size firm.
I'm one of the only blacks at the company.
As a matter of fact, there are so few blacks here,
I think I know every black person that works for the firm.
Morning, Pam.
Howdy, Mr. Cooper.
Morning, Ron.
Good morning, Richard.
(hip-hop music playing through headphones)
(elevator bell dings)
# Yo, fuck the cracker #
# That's what I say #
# And fuck these bitches that always want to play #
# I'm the type of nigga that is never gay #
# If you fuck with me, I'll put your head in cake #
# If you fuck with me, I'll shoot your moms at your wake #
# If you fuck with me, you made a big mistake. #
(phone ringing)
Okay.
Tracy...
this is what we're doing today, all right?
Seen George?
I'm right here.
See you later, Mary.
George, your wife is on the phone, and Veronica called.
Wife? I don't want to talk to her.
Find out what she wants.
Call back Veronica.
Rich, you want to go over that stuff
before Landis gets in?
Sure, just, uh, take off your coat...
Good morning, everyone.
Cooper, how's the Coleman account?
Incredible. The Narco funds are up.
LANDIS: All right.
Let's get to work, people.
(phone ringing)
TRACY: Pupkin & Langford. Please hold.
Pupkin & Langford.
Lunch?
Well, I got to ask.
Come on, you know I hate the crowds.
By the time you get your food, you got to come back.
Well, have fun all by yourself.
I'm gonna get a quick bite and then get on the Coleman account.
See ya.
RICHARD: Hey, I got nothing against George,
but I just hate going to lunch
at the same time everybody else does.
It's just way too crowded.
Look at this mess.
It's just not the New York that I like.
Now, at 2:00, it's a different story.
Things slow down.
That's when I like to go out.
I can eat, or I can go shopping,
or I can just clear my head.
And I can also watch women and get a good look.
'Cause I know I will never see them again.
Now, you can't look at a woman in the suburbs.
You stare at a soccer mom too long,
and they'll post your name on the Internet.
(bell dings)
(typing)
Can I help you find something?
Just looking.
Have you seen the new Prada suits?
No, that's okay, that's okay.
Excuse me, sir, would you like to try a new fragrance today?
Nah, that's okay.
- Oh. - (spraying)
Hey! Don't spray that shit on me.
It's really good.
Hi, I'm Candy.
Can I help you with something?
Do you have this in blue?
You know, I think you should try this green one.
Uh, I-I don't really wear green.
Okay, but this green is hot.
Come on. Trust me.
Let's go try it on.
I'm telling you, I don't like green.
(smooth jazz tune playing faintly)
That looks great on you.
You think so?
Absolutely. It's sexy.
I love it.
I just don't like wearing green.
Yeah, but you should start wearing green.
I mean, you look really handsome in it.
Hey, Lisa.
Will you tell him how this shirt looks.
Oh, I love it on you!
I'm-I'm not just saying that.
I think it looks great on you.
(Kelly giggling)
Daddy's home.
BRENDA: Daddy's home.
KELLY: Daddy!
Yeah!
Daddy's home.
Hey, Daddy.
How's it going?
Pretty good.
Where's Brian?
Oh, he's upstairs napping.
Oh, hey, I've got all these tests to grade,
so can you do the dishes tonight?
- Yeah, yeah, no problem. - Great.
Hey, Kelly.
Hi, Daddy.
How big is Kelly?
This big.
RICHARD: Yeah. Where's Kelly's ear?
Here.
- Where's Kelly's nose? - Here.
Where's Kelly's esophagus?
(Brenda laughing)
Give the kid a break; she's only three.
Hey, there's white kids that are three
taking the bar right now.
W-H-I-T-E, please.
Okay, okay.
Hey, Kelly, I got you.
- Daddy got you. - (Kelly laughing)
- Right upside the head. - You went shopping? Huh.
Daddy got you.
I thought you didn't like green.
- (laughing) - Figured I'd get something new.
It's different.
Pretty.
RICHARD: There were days when Brenda and I got along great.
But we still weren't having sex.
When a married couple stops having sex,
at first, they complain about it.
But after a while, they get used to it.
She walks out of the shower, you don't even look.
'Cause you know there's nothing there for you.
The most dangerous time
in a marriage is when the couple accepts
that they're not having sex.
Speak up; I'm in an elevator.
TRACY: Richard, there's someone here to see you.
Uh, a client?
She didn't say.
Nikki?
RICHARD: Wow, Nikki Tru.
I haven't seen her in eight years.
She was my best friend's girl.
I was crazy about her.
What's wrong?
You didn't think you'd see me again?
No, it's not that; I'm just surprised.
Wow, you look good, Nikki.
Thanks.
You know, people don't really smoke in offices anymore.
I'm not really a smoker.
I'm just trying to lose some weight.
So what's that, a diet cigarette?
(chuckles)
I'll put it out.
You look good, Richie.
That's a nice shirt.
Thanks.
So, wh-what brings you around, Nikki?
I was in the neighborhood, heard you worked in the area,
thought I'd stop by and say hi.
That's allowed, right?
Yeah. Hi.
Hi.
You want to show me your office or something?
Come on.
Okay.
It's good to see you.
Yeah, you, too.
- Which way? - This way.
NIKKI (chuckles): Are these your kids?
Yeah, that's my son Brian
and that's my daughter Kelly.
Same mother?
Same mother, my wife, seven years.
No side kids?
No side kids.
I know, it's very white of me.
(chuckles)
Richard Marcus Cooper is married.
Tied the knot, till death do you part.
Mm-hmm.
Something strange about that?
No. Just...
not the Richie I knew.
- People change. - Hmm.
You happily married?
Yeah, I'm-I'm happily married.
No, you're not.
You didn't say it right.
Okay, how was I supposed to say it?
Oh, I don't know.
But you're not supposed to think about it.
I hear ice cracking.
What?
You ever walk across a frozen river
and hear ice cracking?
It's the scariest sound in the world.
Hey, hey.
My ice is fine.
My-my marriage is frozen solid.
You could do a triple axel on my marriage.
(phone ringing)
One second.
Hello.
TRACY: They're ready to start the meeting.
Yeah, yeah, I'll come right now.
So, to be completely honest,
I do need a favor.
Ah. I knew Nikki didn't come over here for nothing.
Well, I just got back in town, and I'm trying to get a job,
but I need a reference.
Okay, well, write up a letter,
bring it by, and I'll sign it.
No problem. Whoa!
(chuckles)
Magic.
So you just knew I would sign this, huh?
I figured a friend in need, couldn't resist.
Okay.
Good luck.
Thank you...
Mr. Married Man.
RICHARD: Even though I hadn't seen Nikki
- in eight years, I got to say, - Richard.
she looked even better than I remembered.
Gonna put these right on top of the block.
KELLY: Do I have to eat this, Mommy?
- BRENDA: Kelly... - Hey.
- Hey, Daddy. - Hey, honey.
Mm.
I'm almost done with them,
and dinner will be ready in a few minutes, okay?
Is baked chicken okay?
Ah, you know chicken's great.
All right.
Where's my kiss?
Ooh, that's a good kiss.
What's up, Bri?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So how was school?
You know that test I was giving?
I had to give it again.
They all got A's.
Oh, um, Allison wants to have a playdate
this weekend at her house.
Any B-L-A-C-K kids gonna be there?
A few. Not enough.
You know, I'm thinking of joining a Mocha Moms group
in New Rochelle.
That'll be good.
I got to do something.
Hey, how was, um, work today?
Anything happen?
Ah, nothing much, just work.
RICHARD: I'm not crazy.
Would you tell your wife about Nikki?
But I got to admit, seeing Nikki got me to thinking.
What would it be like to be single again?
I mean, if I were single,
I wouldn't do all that romance-and-flowers crap.
If I were single again, I would get right to the point.
Excuse me, would you like to have sex with me?
- Of course I would. - Well, come on!
When you're single, you're never at a loss for words.
Excuse me, can I bite your ass?
For $1,000.
Come on, let's get biting, bitch!
When you're single, you have nothing to lose.
Come with me to a hotel right now.
But I have an appointment.
Yeah, a pussy appointment.
When you're single, you're invincible.
Excuse me...
Get the fuck out of here!
When you're single, you're alone.
I'll fuck you.
And that's why I got married.
When I went to work the next day,
being single was the last thing on my mind.
I had a lot to do,
there was a big client I wanted to bring in,
and I needed to be focused.
You know what I always say,
valuation's an art not a science.
Hey, want to go to lunch?
I got a plan how we can reel in EuroTech.
I'm gonna pass on the lunch,
but let's talk about it when you get back.
Have fun with yourself.
Walter, listen,
I know you're in bed with Cross and Lubitsch,
but I'm telling you right now,
you're gonna see some things in the...
There's a Nikki Tru on line one.
(whispers): Tell her to hold.
Well, I just want you to know
that our doors are always open.
All right, take care, Walter.
(beep)
Nikki.
Hey.
I got the job.
Good.
So as a thank you,
I was thinking you should let me take you to lunch.
You know, I don't normally do lunch till late.
Well, that's okay, 'cause I'm still in bed,
but I could get in the shower and be to you in about an hour.
You know, I got
a lot of work to do, Nikki.
But you are gonna eat lunch, right?
So I'll be there at 2:00.
Okay?
Okay.
Good.
Bye.
(button tone sounds)
MAN: Excuse me, miss, there's no smoking.
Okay, I'm putting it out.
I live on the West Side with Teddy.
He has a place here and in D.C.,
although most of my stuff is in D.C.
So how'd you meet Teddy from D.C.?
He's a club promoter.
I met him out.
You know how it goes.
Yeah.
So do I know your wife?
I don't think so.
Is she white?
No.
Why-why would you ask that?
(chuckles)
Don't get offended.
Remember that girl you brought to Andre's party?
- It was one girl at one party. - (laughs)
I-I go out with one white girl,
all of a sudden, I'm Prince?
No, it was just a question.
I didn't mean anything by it.
So do you and your black wife still fuck?
And what's it to you?
Mmm, just curious.
Most of the people I know who are still married
say that after a while, they don't fuck.
So do you love Teddy?
You didn't answer my question.
'Cause it's none of your fucking business.
I'll take that as a no.
(laughs)
So, Mr. Married Man,
how did you meet this black wife of yours?
You don't want to know.
No, I do.
Sort of.
(chuckles)
I was...
coming from a meeting, I was walking by the park,
and she was there with her class,
this beautiful woman with these kids.
I don't know- there was just something
really calm about her.
And I was like, "I got to meet her."
NIKKI: Wow.
(chuckling): I guess I was wrong.
You do love your wife.
I've thought about it.
Doing the whole wife thing, having kids.
I'm getting a little old for the club scene.
I don't even know how you do it.
Hanging out late,
- eating cheeseburgers at 4:00 in the morning. - God...
Come on.
You used to love this shit.
You just let yourself get old.
I just let myself get bored.
This was fun.
We should do this again.
Yeah. Maybe.
Okay.
RICHARD: Saturday is the one day
I like to sit in my house and relax.
Unfortunately, it's also the same day
that Brenda likes to go into Manhattan and shop.
Brenda didn't like living in the city,
but she sure liked buying her clothes there.
Honey, why don't you get these?
I like them.
Oh, yeah.
Okay, well, let's find your size
so that you can wear them.
Ah, come on, we drove all the way to the city.
You could've got those at the Panty Depot.
Oh, come on. No, I like these.
- And they're comfortable, and they're cute. - Richard?
Richard.
(chuckles)
I thought you lived in Westchester.
- What are you doing here? - Hey.
Nikki, Brenda.
Brenda, Nikki.
- Hi. - Hi.
(chuckles)
Nikki's an old friend.
Uh, what's it been, like, seven, eight years?
At least.
Uh, Nikki used to date Nelson, remember?
Yes. Yes!
(chuckling): Right.
And who is this handsome guy?
Oh, well, that's my Brian.
And that's Kelly.
KELLY: Hi.
She's gorgeous.
Of course, like her mom.
Thank you.
Say, "thank you," Kelly.
KELLY: Thank you.
These are great.
Where did you get these?
Is this the Heavenly Collection?
No, they're from the Latifah Collection.
(chuckling): Okay.
Stop.
Um, actually, I don't know what they are.
But I got them downstairs.
Well, I should go pay for these.
(chuckles)
Um, it was really nice to meet you.
Yes.
And it was great seeing you, Richard.
Oh, great to see you.
Guys.
KELLY/BRIAN: Bye-bye.
So she's the one that, uh,
Nelson tried to kill himself over?
Yeah, he-he was going through a lot back then.
Huh.
Yeah, guess he was.
I'm gonna take these back.
RICHARD: Okay, that was a lie.
But big deal.
I mean, nothing happened.
Nikki's a friend.
An old friend.
I mean, I've known Nikki longer than I've known Brenda.
She used to date Nelson.
We had a lot of fun together.
I mean, sh-she makes me laugh.
Th-There's nothing wrong with that, right?
Nikki's an old friend, a good friend.
A friend I can't tell my wife about.
Morning, Richard.
- Nikki called. - Five minutes ago.
She said she'll be by at 6:00.
Is there something wrong?
No.
- Nothing. - Nothing at all.
Wall sconces?
Well, they're not expensive
and we can get an electrician to put them in.
What do you think of art deco?
Art deco's fine.
NIKKI: Hey.
Okay, if we go with art deco,
we might have to reupholster the couch.
I thought we were talking about wall sconces.
Well, they have to match, honey.
If they don't match, then I got to change the rug.
- If I have to change the rug... - I guess you're right.
Uh, honey, could we talk about this later?
(school bell rings)
Yes. Look, I have to go- it's parent-teacher night.
I fixed you a plate, so just heat it up when you get home.
Okay. So I'll-I'll talk to you later.
(sighs)
Wall sconces.
Sounds fun.
When exactly do you start
getting calls at work about wall sconces?
Right after you get married.
I mean, before you get married, you get calls like...
I can't wait to suck your dick.
Then, after you get married, you get calls like...
I can't wait for you to come home
and see these drapes.
Poor Mr. Married Man.
I hope you don't mind me stopping by like this,
but I bought something for your kids.
I haven't been able to stop thinking about you guys.
Hey, you didn't have to get me anything.
I know.
Thanks.
This stuff's expensive.
Oh, don't worry about it.
I put it on Teddy's credit card.
So now I owe Teddy some money.
(laughs)
So you're the expert- what do you think?
Would I make a good wife?
Nikki, you don't want to be a wife.
Why?
You want a wedding.
You want the show.
Mm-hmm.
What are you looking at?
You have any singles?
Yeah, I should have about seven, eight bucks.
What do you need?
Just give me all of it.
All right, I'm gonna have to break into my stripper stash.
What are you doing?
Feeding the fish.
Come here.
Look.
Okay, who is gonna get it?
Oh, look at this guy.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoo...!
Shh!
It's just a dollar.
It's just a buck.
- This is decadent. - Try it.
All right. All right, here we go.
Whoo!
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Yeah!
You're going to cause a riot.
Well done!
(laughing)
Yes!
Oh, wow!
(laughing)
Ooh, look at the homeless guy.
Oh, get the mon... Oh, he needs it.
Never gonna get it.
Nope. Going too slow.
Come on, homeless guy. You need that money.
Get it.
- Nope. - Oh!
White man wins again.
(groans)
RICHARD: That was fun.
That was too much fun.
You know what?
I better take my wife out to dinner
and get the stench of fun with another woman off of me.
BRENDA: I don't even want to go that way; you can't go down the FDR.
- WOMAN: Oh, God, no. - It's insane.
RICHARD: Okay, this is safe.
Dinner with Allan and Jennifer.
Once you get married,
you only hang out with other married people.
Why?
'Cause no single person could stand to be around you.
It wasn't always like this.
We all used to talk about sex, politics, art.
But now, all we ever talk about is our kids.
Of course, I had to miss the end,
because I had a little exploding diaper problem.
And when it's not our kids,
it's always the same conversation.
First, there's the rap conversation.
...hos, hos, hos in different area codes.
I'm kind of wondering, did anybody have a nice mama?
Was it a situation where their mama
smacked them upside their head,
and they said, "Bitch!"
Then there's the conversation about the Jews.
They had it just as bad as us.
Black folks need to take care of themselves
just as well as the Jews take care of themselves.
Except we can't stick together- that's the problem.
We're too busy buying spinning rims and gold teeth.
You think Steven Spielberg got spinning rims?
And no group of people are too sophisticated to have
a conversation about Michael Jackson.
I blame Joe.
ALLAN: Please, what grown-ass man
sleeps in a bed with kids?
Michael Jackson just didn't have a childhood.
Hey, man, childhood's only 12, 15 years.
Michael's, like, 50.
How many sliding boards does this nigga need?
You know good and well you would not let that man babysit your kids.
I wouldn't let Michael Jackson watch my kids on TV.
- Amen. - (laughter)
Maybe he thought the little boy was 18.
ALLAN: You can't confuse the little boy.
Give me a break.
JENNIFER: Just yesterday, little Sharon
came into the room singing "Magic Stick."
I said, "Magic Stick"? Little girl, you're four years old.
What do you know about a magic stick?"
Can I take your drink orders?
BRENDA: Honey?
Uh, you know what? I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Honey, can you just get me some water?
ALLAN: Think I'll take a ginger ale.
JENNIFER: I'll have a Chardonnay.
Okay.
Excuse me, can I talk to you for a second?
Is there a problem, sir?
Yes, there's a problem.
See, I came here for a lovely dinner
with my wife and some friends,
and next thing I know is I got these big tits
asking me if I want a drink.
Do you mean your waitperson?
Listen, man, I'm with my wife.
I don't need this shit.
I don't need some girl, with her big-ass village feeders,
asking me if I need some help.
Is this Hooters?
No, sir.
- Is it Hooters? - No, sir.
I know this ain't Hooters, 'cause-'cause if it is,
you owe me some fucking buffalo wings.
(whispering): Sir, what can I do to make this better?
See that guy right there?
Yes, I do.
That's my waiter.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
(slow R&B beat playing)
(man, backup singers singing)
(singing continues faintly in headphones)
What are you doing here?
You okay?
So he just got up and said, "It's over"?
No, you don't understand.
If we're fucking and I fall asleep, that's fine.
If we're fucking and we both fall asleep,
that's okay, too, but if we're fucking
and you fall asleep, it's-it's fucked up!
He didn't say it's over, but I know it's over.
You-you got to excuse her; she's upset.
The fuck are you looking at?!
Our stop's coming up.
RICHARD: When Nikki came by to see me in the afternoon,
it wasn't really a big deal.
But when we walked through the office at 9:00 a.m...
Good morning.
...people looked at me like I was crazy.
I mean crazy.
It's like we've been breaking up for months,
and I'm just finding out about it now.
Well, that's how relationships are.
You add how long you been together,
and then you divide it by two,
and that's how long you been breaking up.
So if you get a divorce after 20 years,
you been breaking up for ten.
That's right.
So can I stay with you for a couple days?
Nikki, my wife...
(laughing)
Oh...
I'm just playing with you.
(chuckles)
You should see the look on your face right now.
Okay, I'm not trying to get rid of you, Nikki, but I really...
iPod.
(laughs)
You got some nigga ears.
Nigga what?
Some old-ass nigga ears.
Look at this, Levert, Patti LaBelle, Luther Vandross.
You know, white people make music, too.
I got George Michael.
Doesn't count.
Okay, I'm gonna give you my iPod,
and you are gonna give me yours.
Okay.
When you get a chance,
I want you to listen to that song.
Can I get back to work now?
(man singing soft rock)
(singing continues)
(singing ends)
(rap music playing through headphones)
# Fuck the cracker, that's what I say #
# And fuck these bitches that always want to play #
# I'm the type of nigga that's never gay #
# If you fuck with me, I'll put your head in cake... #
(clears throat)
(people conversing indistinctly in distance)
I think he might be off the phone.
- (door opens) - Richard.
That girl is here to see you.
Well, just send her in.
Richard...
...can I ask you something?
Hi.
It can wait.
I don't think your secretaries like me.
Hey, they don't like me, either.
You know, if you keep showing up like this,
we're gonna have to get you a job here.
People are gonna start talking.
Oh, let them talk.
I need you to do me a favor.
Can you come uptown with me to look at a place?
You know, I-I got a lot of work to do.
I got to get out of Teddy's,
and... he's supposed to be out of town.
I'd like to be out by the time he gets back.
Are you okay?
Can you come with me?
Yeah, yeah.
- Let me just check. - Okay.
Tracy, what's my rest of the day look like?
You and George have a conference call at 3:00.
Damn. George!
Yeah?
You need me for that call at 3:00?
I do. Why?
I got to do something.
I mean, I-I should be back, but if I'm not,
you can handle it, right?
Yeah, I got it, don't worry.
Hi, I'm George.
- Nikki. - Nice to meet you.
Likewise.
So, I'll see you later?
You tell me.
RICHARD: You sure this is what you want?
NIKKI: It's what I can afford.
So, where do you work?
I'm a hostess at a place downtown called The White Bar.
Oh, that's nice.
(clears throat) Well, here you go.
Washer and dryer on the third floor,
pay phone on the second floor.
Don't knock on my door for change.
Get your own damn quarters.
Um, there was something in the ad about cable.
I got jumper cables, if you need 'em.
Okay.
And don't blame me if the bed's
not big enough for both of you.
This place is really for students.
(chuckles) Oh, we are not a couple.
Yeah, yeah, I-I'm just a friend.
Oh.
I guess that's a Super Bowl ring, huh?
You a Jet or a Packer?
Uh-huh.
Which one of you friends is paying the rent?
I am.
Sure you are, baby.
I never thought I'd be back in one of these.
This is where everybody ends up.
WOMAN (on TV): ...a wooden Barton hutch made of pine in Al's backyard.
This is a project an experienced do-it-yourselfer could tackle,
since this shed is pre-cut and ready to assemble.
- Hey, fellas. - MAN: Hi!
- How are you guys? - Very well, thanks.
That doesn't look so hard; we can do that out back.
I'm getting splinters just watching this.
(siren blaring in distance)
I got to hand it to you- you knocked it out the park.
It looks like EuroTech may come aboard.
Hey, it's not a done deal, and when it gets done,
I couldn't have done it without you.
What do you say we go grab some lunch and celebrate?
I-I'd love to... but I got other plans.
NIKKI: Hey, guys. You ready?
Can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah, sure.
GEORGE: Inside.
- Be right back. - Okay.
I'm sorry. I won't keep him long.
No problem.
Okay, what is it?
Are you aware of what you're getting yourself into?
What are you talking about?
Nikki- she's here every day.
George, she's just a friend.
A friend? Come on.
I've had friends before- they don't fucking look like Nikki.
Look, you got a good situation at home, you got two kids...
I'm not fucking her.
No, she's fucking you; you just don't know it.
(laughing): I can't believe I'm hearing this shit from you,
of all people.
You cheat on your wife all the time.
Last year, you were fucking Tracy and Mary.
I didn't say shit to you.
That's different.
I don't give a fuck.
I can fuck a girl, go home,
kiss my wife good night and sleep like a baby.
You, on the other hand, got emotions.
You're like Captain Save-A-Ho, all right?
You like to be needed, and that bitch knows it.
Are we done?
I'm not getting in your shit, all right?
I just...
Be careful, okay?
Hey.
What's wrong?
You look upset.
We can't do this anymore.
Do what? What are you talking about?
This whole... lunch in the afternoon thing.
It doesn't look good; we really should stop.
We're not doing anything.
It's not like we're fucking.
It is like we're fucking,
only thing, we're not fucking,
and I feel all the guilt as if I'm fucking you
without any of the pleasure of actually fucking you.
I don't want things to get any more complicated.
I'm not trying to complicate anything.
I like you, Richard.
I don't like a lot of people.
I like you 'cause you're safe.
You don't want anything from me.
Okay?
Okay.
(giggles)
So, you want to get something to eat?
No.
I have something else planned.
(man rapping)
(rapping continues)
(man singing)
Wow.
I've been thinking about coming here.
I knew you'd like it.
(singing continues)
You should have one of these.
Wanted one of these since I was a kid.
That I don't know.
What I know is that I'm gonna get me
a little Porsche one day.
You're going down! You're going down!
I'm going down, all right.
(both laughing)
(screams)
- Oh! - Yeah, yeah.
You dirty, dirty...!
(singing ends)
(rock music playing)
(laughing)
(squealing, laughing)
What is that?!
Richard!
Richard, Brian's asleep ups...!
(turns music off)
What is that?
You-You don't like it?
No, no, I don't.
And you're making the kids deaf.
Ah, come on, it's not that loud.
Yes, it is.
And you know what?
I was in my car the other day, and...
Where did my CDs go?
Wh-Where's my, where's my Peabo Bryson?
Where's my Usher? Where's my Beyonc�?
(chuckles) You know, you really got some nigga ears, honey.
Nigga ears?
How many times do I have to ask you
not to talk in front of the kids like that?
You know what?
You just keep doing what you're doing.
'Cause one of these days,
they won't be asking where my daddy is,
they'll be asking, "Where's my nigga?"
Then what are you gonna do?
(groans)
You know, I tried calling you yesterday,
and no one could find you.
Was probably at lunch.
No, it was almost 4:00.
Aren't you usually back by then?
I mean, I tried calling you on your cell,
I tried texting you, you didn't text me back.
What did you want?
What difference does it make
what I wanted?
That was yesterday.
You have to tell people where you are.
What if something happened to the kids?
What if I got hit by a car?
Ah, come on, why do you always have to take it to,
"What if I got hit by a car?"
I-I went to the deli,
I wanted a chicken salad sandwich.
I-I stood on line.
Uh, when I got to the front of the line,
I realized I didn't have a ticket,
so I had to get back on the line.
That's it.
You make it sound like an alibi.
All you have to do is answer the phone.
I didn't hear it.
All right.
Tomorrow.
Have you thought about what you want to do?
Do you want to see a movie?
Do you want to have brunch with Jennifer and Allan?
Nah, nah, nah, we do that all the time.
Let's try something different.
Different?
Okay.
(man rapping)
(rapping continues)
(man singing)
Honey, let's go look at the new Porsches.
Wh... Why?
No. No, no, no, no.
In here, it says that there's something over there
that you're really gonna like.
Oh, yeah. Come on.
Let's go.
Bye-bye.
Come on, baby.
(whimsical classical music playing)
(sighs)
(chuckles)
(turn signal clicking)
RICHARD: Going to the car show and looking at the minivans
was like going to a strip club and looking at the DJ.
EXECUTIVE: Mr. Cooper,
what sectors have the most
growth potential for our company?
Well, Mr. Yuni, what we're finding now
is that most advertising dollars are migrating online.
(cellphone ringing)
Is that you?
(ringing continues)
It's me.
- I probably should, uh... - Mm-hmm.
NIKKI: Richard, I have an emergency.
I need to ask you something,
but I'm afraid you're gonna get mad at me.
I have to take this.
Um, if you'll excuse me,
I'll be, I'll be right back.
H-Hey, what's up?
I can't really talk right now; I'm in a meeting.
Okay, really quick.
Just promise you won't get mad at me.
I won't get mad.
You didn't promise.
(whispering): Okay, I promise.
Will you come with me to get my stuff out of Teddy's apartment?
Didn't you hear me tell you I'm in a meeting?
Not today,
tomorrow.
Fine.
Okay? I got to go now.
Have a good meeting.
LANDIS: Oh, and what were your plans?
Three kids?
LANDIS: Yeah, could be better.
(door closes)
Small family emergency.
It's under control.
(car horns honking)
RICHARD: All right, so where's this guy live?
'Cause I got things to do.
Shuttle's in, like, 45 minutes.
Shuttle?
Wh-What are you talking about, shuttle?
To D.C.
Remember I told you, we have a place there,
and he's out of town, so now I can get my shit.
I'm not going with you to D.C.
You promised.
I didn't promise to go with you to another state.
It's not a state, it's a district.
It's, like, a 30-minute flight.
You must be out of your fucking mind
if you think I'm getting on a plane to Washington D.C.
to go to some guy's house to get your shit!
GEORGE: Richard?
Richard, yeah.
Uh, I have one question for you:
Where the fuck are you?
No, no, no, don't worry.
I'll be there.
Yeah, something just came up.
Look, just get here, okay?
I told you I need you on this one.
Tell Mary that if Nikki calls,
I'll call her tomorrow.
Tell her yourself when you get here.
You're a good liar.
Listen, we're getting on the 1:00 shuttle,
not a moment later, okay?
'Cause I got a meeting at 3:00.
Okay.
(siren blaring)
NIKKI: Right here.
- Here? - Uh-huh.
What are all these cops doing here?
Oh, it's kind of a crazy neighborhood.
Something's always going down.
- We'll be right back. - Okay.
(indistinct police radio transmission)
So how many cities have you lived in
- with this Teddy guy? - Hey, police! Open up in there!
- Uh, here, and New York. - Open up in there!
In Miami, I lived with his brother.
That's where I met him.
Wait a minute, you lived with a guy,
then you left him for his brother?
How'd you pull that off?
I got a hard enough time
telling my wife I want pancakes.
We're in.
All right, now that we're in,
I want you to get your shit
and let's get out of here.
I'm just gonna grab a few dresses, some shoes,
and then we'll go.
Okay.
Thank you.
Forget "Thank you," just hurry up.
Teddy's doing pretty good.
Mm-hmm.
(sirens in distance)
You were on the math team in high school?
For two years. Why?
I don't know.
Just can't imagine you solving a problem.
My Ferretti sweater.
I had no idea where this was.
Richard Cooper's office.
Hi, Brenda.
Hey, somebody around here's
got some nigga ears.
Excuse me?
Biz Markie's Greatest Hits.
That man is a genius.
The genius that wrote "Pickin' Boogers."
- "Pickin' Boogers," "The Vapors" - (laughing)
and of course, my favorite...
# You #
# You got what I need #
BOTH: # But you say he's just a friend #
# But you say he's just a friend #
# Oh, baby, you #
(grunts)
# You got what I need. #
(both laughing)
(music winds down, stops)
Okay, Teddy, calm down.
You know you got two strikes.
There's cops all over the place.
(drops keys)
How the fuck y'all get in here, man?
Huh?
Who the fuck are you?
Huh?
What, this the new nigga?
You fucking him now? Huh?
You the new nigga, man?
No, no, I'm-I'm not the new nigga.
I've n-never been the nigga, I'm just a... friend.
How's it going? Richard Cooper.
Oh!
- Teddy! - Motherfucker!
Teddy, what the fuck's wrong with you?!
- You bring this stupid-ass nigga - Stop it!
- in my fucking crib?! - Teddy!
- (screaming) - Help!
- Fuck you! - Somebody help!
- Take the boot! Take the boot! - Somebody help us!
Take the motherfucking boot!
Hi, Mr. Landis, it's Tracy.
You like the taste, huh?! You like the taste?!
- Everybody freeze! - You like the fucking taste?!
Crunch it down, motherfucker!
- Hey! Get him now! - What?!
He's in a conference meeting.
- Everyone all right? - TEDDY: We good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
This motherfucker broke into my crib...
with this bitch here!
(all screaming)
Thug life! Thug life!
- Thug life! - (police shouting)
Thug life, nigga! Thug life!
Wait, wait, wait, we can't do this.
- (two gunshots) - Fuck that!
RICHARD: Oh, yes, we can!
TEDDY: Thug fucking life!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
What the hell is wrong with you?!
He could've killed us!
You told me he was out of town!
- Sorry! - And the damn cops coming here!
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I should be in a meeting right now!
No, no.
No, no, no!
Could you hurry up?
(woman speaking indistinctly over intercom)
(metal detector beeping)
(high-pitched electrical whining)
I don't care about "Thriller."
What kind of grown man has kids sleeping in his bed?
He'll never babysit my kids.
Look, we don't have all day.
LANDIS: I'm-I'm sorry, Mr. Yuni.
I'm-I'm sure Mr. Cooper will be here
in a moment with the prospectus.
(clears throat)
(whispering): Where the fuck is he?
I'm sure he's got a good explanation.
(groans)
Excuse me.
George, there's a call for you in your office.
Ah. Excuse me.
Actually, I like "Thriller."
Michael's last big one.
Yeah.
I knew he was gonna be a star, you know,
when I saw him on Ed Sullivan.
WOMAN: All flights in and out
of New York LaGuardia have been delayed
possibly three to four hours.
Thank you for your patience.
George...
I've been trying to cover for you.
They want to start- where the fuck are you?
Landis is pissed.
I'm not going to make it.
Oh, fuck!
Fuck!
Hey, Anita. How you doing?
George, calm down.
You can do this. You can handle it.
- Just calm down. - No...
Goddamn it,
Richard!
You're killing me!
I hope she's worth it.
(exhales)
Fuck!
I'm afraid we either have to get started
or we have to go.
We have another appointment.
Can we get started?
Of course. Absolutely.
Okay, um...
Mr. Yuni, my apologies, uh, but I have been working very closely
- (Yuni speaking Japanese) - with Mr. Cooper on this
and I'm prepared to walk us through it.
(men speaking Japanese angrily)
Um, if you take a look at, uh, page two...
I'm sorry, page... three.
(clears throat)
Performance chart from 19...
(men, woman speaking Japanese)
(TV playing in background)
Hey, baby, you're late.
What happened?
(sighs) I got in a fight.
A fight?
What hap... Why? What happened?
I was pulling the car out the lot,
and this guy cut me off,
and he gets out of his car, then I got out of my car,
and, next thing I know, we're on the ground,
- and we're... - No, stop. No, stop.
That is, that's-that's the dumbest shit in the world.
I can't believe your...
You're a grown man! You...
All right, De La Hoya, you know what?
You put the dishes away, and I'm gonna go upstairs.
I'm gonna pretend I'm married to a grown man.
WOMAN (on TV): ...breaking news, this just in.
MAN: Today, in national news, a Washington D.C. man
named Teddy Smith shot and wounded two police officers.
He was later apprehended after a violent standoff.
More news after the break.
Shit.
(sighs)
(rips paper)
Cooper, you're a good banker.
You've brought a lot of money to this company.
Do you think you've brought a lot of money into this company?
Yeah, I've-I've, I've brought some money in.
Well, in all the years you've been here,
you've brought in close to $20 million.
That's a lot of money, right?
Right?
I-I guess so.
See this quarter?
See it?
Yes, I see it.
This quarter is you.
This is $20 million.
Do you see this table?
This is Pupkin & Langford.
This is $800 million.
This is your value to the company.
You're on probation.
Any more problems, you're fired.
Are we clear?
Yes, sir.
You know, Cooper,
you can lose a lot of money chasing women,
but you'll never lose women chasing money.
##
RICHARD: I got lucky.
I still had my job, I still had my family.
All I had to do was one thing.
Nikki is on line one.
Tell her I'm not here.
Sure.
(woman singing)
Sorry, he's not in right now.
(singing continues)
Nikki called twice.
What should I tell her if she calls again?
Just tell her I'm not here.
(singing continues)
- Way overboard. - (phone ringing)
I'm not offended, I just don't...
Well, you know what? You have to...
Richard Cooper's office.
I'm not here.
He's not in the office right now.
Can I take a message?
Well, can you let him know that I called?
Tell her I'm dead.
- Okay. - Really dead.
Will do, Nikki.
Really dead.
Yes.
(singing continues)
(song fades)
(rock music plays over speakers)
MAN: The Killers?
I always thought you were more of a Wu-Tang guy.
Nelson?
Get outta here!
Long time, no see.
Yeah.
Same to you, Mr. Wall Street.
Are you still working down at Pupkin & Langford?
Yeah, I-I think I'm still there.
We'll see how long that lasts.
- Hmm. - So, what are you up to?
Oh. Shit, nothing much.
Doing a little work for the Legal Defense Fund.
It's going okay.
Figured I'd come in here and pick up a few CDs.
Pretty soon, the only place you'll be able
to buy 'em is at Starbucks.
I know, and they don't sell any rap at Starbucks.
I guess you want some rap, you got to go to a liquor store.
Yeah, let me get a pint of Jack and that Ja Rule.
Hey, guess who I saw two weeks ago- Nikki.
She said she bumped into you or something, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, she came by the office.
So, how was that for you?
I mean, you guys had a pretty bad breakup.
No, no, it was actually kind of cool to see her again.
I mean, if I'd ran into her
without my medication, who knows?
But, uh... we talked for a minute.
You know, caught up.
Got to tell you, Rich, man, she still look good.
I mean, she's... that (mumbles)... fine!
She's... man, just the way she's shaped...
I mean, you see her skin?! Did you... you saw her.
I mean it ju-ju-just... smooth.
I looked at her, I kept watching her, next thing I know,
I'd been looking at her for 20 minutes.
And I realized I was following her, you know what I mean?
I mean, it wasn't creepy or nothing, you know.
I didn't... I don't think she saw me.
And I'm just gonna, you know, stay away.
I'm getting my life together.
Anyway, if you see Nikki, you tell her I said hello.
Don't... no, don't... don't do that. Don't.
It's good to see you, Rich.
(woman singing)
Hey, Richard, I have some messages for you.
(singing continues)
Did Nikki call?
No, she didn't.
I guess she finally got the hint.
(singing continues)
(song fades)
Hey.
What are you doing here?
Can I ask you a question?
It's personal.
Go right ahead.
Why are you still married?
I mean, you never really seemed like the marrying type, and now
even though you say you're happy, I don't think you are.
I'm happy. I mean, wh-when I got with Brenda,
I decided to settle down.
I mean, she's a great mother, and I love her.
See? You don't say it right!
We're gonna go through this shit again.
How was I supposed to say it, Nikki?
You're supposed to say that you love her
and you can't live without her.
You just sound indebted.
You're not in love; you're in loyal.
Well, at least I'm in something.
At-at least I have a family.
Wh-What do you have?
Oh, don't throw that family shit at me.
You and your wife, you don't talk, you don't fuck.
If that's what family is, I'll wait.
For what, Nikki? What are you waiting for?
For the real thing.
Love.
Or at least a sponsor, but I'm not settling.
You ever think about getting a skill?
Oh, I got skills.
(laughs) What are you doing here?
I don't know, we're... we're friends, right?
(giggles)
Yeah... We're friends.
Come on, I got to get back to work.
You should come out with me tonight.
I'm not going out with you.
I need you to.
What for? What's going on?
Well, there's this guy, he's really into me.
I'm not sure what I think about him,
so I want you to come and tell me what you think.
After D.C., I have no desire
to meet any more of your boyfriends.
What, are you jealous?
No. Okay, who's this guy? What's his name?
Compassion.
Compassion?!
Wh-What? Compassion Fruit?
Compassion... Luther King.
Compassionate? Wh-Wh...?
Compassion.
Just come, it'll be a blast.
You know, we'll eat onion rings till 4:00 in the morning.
It'll be like old times.
So, what am I gonna tell my wife?
Um... I don't know.
Just... start a fight.
RICHARD: Chicken?!
Yes. What is wrong?
Chicken again?
We have chicken every day- I'm tired of chicken.
I thought you liked chicken.
I like it, but I don't like it every day.
I mean, I feel like I got feathers coming out my ass.
All right, this isn't about chicken,
because I know you like chicken.
No, no, no, you know what? You know what?
You know what this is about?
This is about all the other animals out there
that are dying to be eaten that we don't eat!
Now, have you ever heard of lamb chops?
Have you ever heard of pork chops?
Can a nigga get a taco?!
Are you crazy?
I'm losing my finger-lickin' mind right now,
eating all this chicken.
I can't take it anymore.
Chicken hawks don't eat this much chicken.
You know what? I'm gone.
I can't take it! I can't take it!
Wh-Where you going?
To get some duck!
(train horn blares)
RICHARD: What the hell is wrong with me?
How could I talk to Brenda like that?
I-I'm losing my mind.
I got to go home. Okay, next stop,
I'm getting off this train
and I'm gonna go home to Brenda.
That's what I'm gonna do. I am going home.
So, I just got off the phone with Nikki, and, um...
she's running just a little bit late,
but she said she is gonna be here.
Late? How late?
I'm not really sure, but, uh, she told me
to take good care of you, and I will.
So don't worry about it; she'll be here.
(whispers): Excuse me.
So, sh-she's gonna be here, right?
She's gonna be here. Don't worry.
(classical music plays)
(hip-hop thumping loudly, phone ringing)
Hi. Um...
I'll have two vodka martinis.
BARTENDER: Olive?
Yeah...
Chicken?
Chicken, my ass.
(classical music plays)
(sighing)
(hip-hop playing)
Excuse me...
(shouting): Have you seen Nikki?!
No, she hasn't called, but she will.
Dance! There's a lot of girls here.
BARTENDER: Can I talk to you...?
Fuck this!
Where is it?
Boring-ass suit.
(mocking): "I just wanted something different..."
with your green shirt!
(hip-hop playing)
(classical music playing)
Motherfucker!
Asian women.
I thought he was done with that bullshit.
(hip-hop plays)
Did you wear it yet?
Excuse me?
The shirt!
I sold you a shirt like, a month ago.
Saks?
We work at the men's section in Saks.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember you guys.
You-You sold me the green shirt.
Uh, what are you doing here?
We're just hanging out. We come here every week.
Wednesday's the best night. What are you doing here?
Uh, I'm-I'm waiting for someone.
Okay, well, we're gonna go smoke this.
You wanna come?
Uh, I really shouldn't. I shouldn't.
BOTH: Come on!
It's totally natural. I got it from, like, this doctor I know.
All right, but just a little bit.
- Come on. - Come on.
Well, what kind of chicken did you cook him?
He was just supposed to go out to get something to eat,
and that was almost four hours ago.
Did you go through his pockets?
Y-Yes, I checked his pockets.
Did you find anything on his computer?
Just a little Asian porn, but nothing serious.
I'm sure he's somewhere right now, just clearing his head.
(rap plays)
I called him.
A-And he hasn't answered.
Richard is a responsible guy.
I'm sure you don't have anything to worry about.
(rap plays)
Okay, yeah.
You're probably right.
(pop plays)
Have you heard from Nikki?!
I just got off the phone with her.
She told me to tell you she's sorry
but she's not gonna be able to make it.
She's going to Miami with some guy named Compassion.
Something about Puffy having a party.
(song continues)
(song fades)
Where have you been?
I'm sorry.
Fuck "sorry."
What kind of "food" did you go out to get
that takes five goddamn hours?
Brenda...
Brenda shit! Don't you say my name.
Are you fucking somebody?
'Cause I swear to God, if I find out you're fucking somebody...
It's not that; it's work. I...
I lost a client, and they put me on probation.
Now I wanted to tell you, but I didn't want you to get upset.
Where have you been?
I was at the sports bar, watching the Knick game.
The game has been over.
I know.
Don't you ever do any shit like this to me again.
Do you hear me?
I don't know what's going on with you, but you fix it.
I'm sorry.
You should be.
(line ringing)
Hi, this is Nikki.
I'm not here to take your call, so remember:
Love is God, God is love. Peace.
(voice mail beeps)
Nikki? Richard.
I don't know what happened to you last night,
and I don't really care.
I'm married. You're single.
Don't call me. Don't come by the office.
Don't e-mail me. Don't fax me.
Just leave me the fuck alone.
You got it?
Just leave me the fuck alone.
Thank you.
Good night.
Good night, Richard.
Go home, Tracy.
Good night, Richard.
GEORGE: Uh, Cliff, tell Russell I can do the late lunch,
and then we'll talk about that other thing.
(whispers): Okay.
Want a ride?
Yeah, sure.
Come on.
GEORGE: So, what are you gonna do?
RICHARD: I don't know.
Brenda's so fucking mad, I'm scared.
All right, buddy, now is damage control.
I'll tell you what to do.
This weekend, you get a babysitter,
take your wife out to a nice dinner.
- Okay. - Right?
See a bullshit chick flick, whatever she wants, and you take
one of these and you fuck your wife like you're a porn star.
You keep Viagra in the glove compartment?
Yeah, right next to the Altoids.
I may not look like Brad Pitt, but I can fuck like him.
Seriously, take this.
Show Brenda a good time.
And stay away from Nikki.
You got a good wife.
What are you doing?
I got a date with the intern from the third floor.
Goddamn!
She's 23.
Might need to take two.
And you're happily married?
17 years.
Good night.
All right.
(sultry jazz playing)
RICHARD: I'm gonna take George's advice.
Because even though he cheats on his wife and pops pills,
unlike our therapist, he's married.
That was incredible.
I know. Fantastic.
Next time, we got to take the kids.
Absolutely; they'd love it.
How long you think she's been out?
(giggling): Hours.
You know, sometimes I think they put her to bed.
Probably. Yeah.
Look, I'm gonna go check on the kids.
Nah, nah, nah, nah. I'll check on the kids.
I'll get rid of Rebecca, then I'll see you upstairs.
Okay.
Gotta go.
Wow, when'd you get back?
Just got back. Gotta go.
Oh, the kids were really great today.
I'm sure they are. Gotta go.
They all went to bed about 8:30.
8:30! Gotta go!
It was really cute.
They came up with this little song.
All right. "The Gotta Go Song."
Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go.
(woman singing romantic song)
(whispers): Daddy loves you.
(singing continues)
Ooh!
(music stops, Brenda snores)
(woman singing resumes)
(song fades)
(panting)
George, we got a problem.
It better be a problem. It's 3:00 in the morning.
Hey, I took that Viagra pill you gave me,
took it around 11:00, and I'm still hard!
Yeah, so what's the problem?
I'm still hard, George.
I've been hard for four hours.
This thing won't go down!
Well, did you relieve yourself?
Did I relieve myself?!
Yes, I've come, like, three times,
and I'm still hard, and it's all because of you!
Who the hell are you talking to?
Are you talking to some little bitch?!
Are you... are-are you talking to some whore in my house?
No, no, no, it's George, it's George.
George?!
What kind of down-low shit is that?
Look, George, I gotta go. Uh, it's not what you think.
Oh...
I did this all for you.
Oh, for me?
I wanted to have great sex with you,
so I got a Viagra pill from George,
and I came upstairs,
and you were sound asleep.
And I've just been hard for, like, four hours.
You've been hard for four hours?
Honey, you gotta help... you gotta, you gotta, you go...
Don't... Keep that thing away from me.
(sighs)
What are you doing?
You know what that commercial says.
Well, i-if you've taken a Viagra and you've had an erection
for longer than four hours, then you call a physician.
I'm calling Dr. Caruthers.
It's 3:00 in the morning.
I know, and he's... and he's not in.
Okay, so-so what are we gonna do?
(sirens, horns blaring)
Okay, about how much longer before we get to the hospital?
About 15 minutes, sir.
Are you sure you only took one?
Honey, honey, if you took more than one, just say something.
I-I just took one, okay? That's it!
No, this ice isn't working.
Wh-What do you mean, the ice isn't working?!
How's your eyesight? Is it clear? Is it blurry?
Uh... it's a little blurry.
It's a little blurry. Wh-What's that mean?
Could mean nothing, or it could mean you're going blind.
You're suffering from severe priapism. I don't think we have time to wait.
I'm gonna have to do something about this now.
RICHARD: What's going on?!
I'm going to have to perform a therapeutic aspiration.
Oh, my God. You-You sure?
A-A-A th-thera what?!
Therapeutic aspiration.
I'm gonna stick this needle into the side of your penis
and draw blood directly from the cavernosa.
Get the fuck out of here!
- Shh! - I promise you, it won't hurt.
- You'll just feel a pinch. - Brenda, Brenda!
Hold him down.
Oh... no, no!
No, no!
- Yes! Yes! - No, no, no.
It's not gonna hurt. Don't worry about it.
Pull over, pull over.
No, no!
(scream echoing): No!
(woman singing romantic song)
(singing continues)
RICHARD: After all my drama,
looking at other women just made me mad.
Look at her.
She should do that shit at home.
Fuckin' skank.
And look at this one-
send an e-mail, slut.
Nobody wants to talk to you.
(sultry laugh)
And look at this one.
Okay, I'm not mad at her.
I mean, who could be mad at her?
But I'm not gonna look.
I'm gonna just keep on going
'cause I am done making stupid mistakes.
From now on, it's family first.
(all singing children's song)
(applause)
(gentle theme playing)
(children laughing)
RICHARD: All right, we're gonna start with these accounts
and then work our way to the new ones.
You better order in, 'cause we got a lot of work to do.
(knocking)
Miss me?
RICHARD: If she had called,
I could have hung up on her, no problem.
But seeing her in person so close, I was defenseless.
(sighs)
NIKKI: I have a fianc� now.
Sean.
(chuckles)
Get out of here.
You're getting married?
Yeah.
Nikki Tru is walking down the aisle?
I'm closing the deal.
Sean is in real estate.
What happened?
Uh...
I was at this party.
I was talking to this guy-
I don't even remember what we were talking about-
and... this little
22-year-old girl walks by.
And he was like, "Oh, excuse me, I got to..."
Then it hit me.
You know, I'm 32 years old.
I'm the old bitch at the club now.
Think it was
the first time in my life I was talking to a man
who wasn't even thinking about fucking me.
So, then I met Sean.
And I said to myself, I got to make this work.
So we're getting married in June.
And I want you to meet him.
Wow.
Let me get this.
You always get it.
You sure?
Yeah, I'm sure.
(Kelly laughing, squealing)
(Richard laughing)
Ah! Almost got you!
Daddy's gonna get you.
- (chuckles): Hey. - Hey.
How was work?
Pretty good. Uh, remember Nikki?
She-she came by today.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
Yeah, she's getting married to some guy.
Great.
Yeah, I hope he has insurance.
(chuckles)
Uh, Rebecca and Brian
- are waiting for you. - Thank you.
I'm gonna get Kelly.
(growls playfully)
(car alarm chirps)
THERAPIST: Yeah, I am so glad
you two are making such progress.
I wasn't sure we'd make it this far.
Yeah, I just decided to stop complaining
about all the things I didn't have
and start appreciating the things I did.
That is what I want to hear from both of you:
getting along and appreciating what you have.
So, how are things physically?
Oh, well, um,
well, well, we're not quite having sex yet.
Um, but-but, hey, we are getting along,
and-and it's not all about sex, right?
Yeah, I-I, I'm not complaining.
Uh, I'm just trying to appreciate
the non-sex that we're having.
You know, you don't have to have sex
to show somebody you love them.
I see.
What you writing?
Oh, nothing.
(slow R&B theme playing)
Guys, I am so sorry I'm late.
Something came up at the office.
Not a problem.
Richard, this is Sean.
Sean, Richard.
Nikki tells me you work at Pupkin & Langford.
Do you know Matt Landis?
Yeah, that's my boss.
Ah! I feel sorry for you.
(chuckles)
Well, next time you see him,
- tell him Sean Waters said hello. - Yeah.
I wish you would've shown up earlier.
You know, I have to go and take care of a few things.
(groans)
Will you call me when you're done?
- Yes. - Okay.
Don't forget: Nobu at 9:00.
- Mm-hmm. - Don't be late.
I won't be.
Richard, next time you're in Malibu, look us up.
Bring your wife; we'll all go out to dinner.
Oh, that's a great idea, babe.
This is what you want?
You're getting married.
(laughs softly)
Do you love him?
Do I love him?
(chuckles)
In a few years, maybe.
I'm gonna be like you.
You know, I'm gonna have a nice house,
a nice husband, couple kids-
a nice, easy, dull, boring life.
And I will never again have to live
in a tiny-ass studio apartment.
Come on. Don't-don't hurt the guy.
What do you care?
You hurt?
Don't go there.
You started it.
Do I love him?
(chuckles)
You know, we could be really happy together,
you and me.
Don't you want to be happy?
My life's not about
what... I want.
I hear ice cracking.
Careful not to drown, Richie.
So, Sean leaves for L.A. in the morning.
I don't leave till Wednesday.
So why don't you come by tomorrow
and we can have a proper good-bye?
Y-You know, Nikki, I'm-I'm not sure.
I will call you with the address,
and I will see you at 2:00.
##
Richard?
Baby, you up?
Hmm?
RICHARD: When I woke up this morning,
I had no idea what I was going to do.
You know, some people say life is short
and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment
and that you have to live each day like it's your last.
Bullshit.
Life is long.
You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus,
and you're gonna have to live
with the choices you make for the next 50 years.
RICHARD: You know, their numbers were pretty good last year.
I always thought that was a good buy.
But that's just me.
Sure, we could buy every day.
Uh, Lowenstein at Poco.
He speaks Japanese, and he's gay.
I only say that 'cause I took him to Scores last Tuesday,
disaster, all right?
See what you can do.
Uh, all right, big guy wants us all to concentrate on EuroTech.
And nobody talks to them except me and Richard.
You got it.
All right.
RICHARD: When two people admit
that they're attracted to each other,
they're no longer in control.
The relationship has to play itself out,
for better or for worse.
Where's he going?
Lunch, Tracy.
(woman singing romantic song)
(singing continues)
Thank you.
Uh, excuse me...
Uh-huh?
Do you have any condoms?
Sorry, I didn't hear what you said.
Condoms.
Oh, condoms! Sure.
What kind you want?
Quiet ones.
Let me just get the blue.
Three-pack or 12-pack?
Three.
12-pack is cheaper.
Look... (sighs)
can you just get me some fucking condoms?
I don't have change of a $20.
Hey, Bob!
You have change of a $20?
You got to have change of a $20.
Bob, the man needs his condoms!
You know what? Just keep it.
- Well... - Just keep it.
Well...
(slow, sultry theme plays)
(bell dings)
Nikki?
NIKKI: I'm in here.
You're here.
I thought you might get scared and not show up.
Scared?
Scared of what?
I don't know.
Just scared.
You want to help me with this?
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Sure, I'll help you.
Ooh, ooh. Sorry.
It's all right, just...
It's okay. It's okay.
Okay.
Just got here and you're putting me to work.
(chuckles)
I think... I got it.
No.
Not yet.
But you will.
You like my shoes?
You're wearing shoes?
Yeah, I like them.
You mind if I keep them on?
Go right ahead.
What are you doing all the way over there?
Thought you weren't scared.
I'm just taking it all in.
You look real good, Nikki.
Why don't you take it all in a little closer?
I'm not gonna bite.
I'm gonna miss you.
(man singing soft rock)
Gonna miss you, too.
So what are you waiting for?
(singing continues)
Wait, wait, wait.
Take your clothes off.
(singing continues)
What?
Richard?
(singing continues)
What?
No, it's okay.
Sweetheart, it's okay.
S... What are you...?
Richard, stop it!
No, St... What are you doing?!
(singing continues)
Richard! Richard!
RICHARD: Life is about choice.
We're all the sum of our choices.
And most of them are made for us.
You can't choose when you're born.
You can't choose where you're born.
You can't choose your family.
You can't even choose who you love.
But you can choose how you love.
(singing continues)
(song ends)
Richard.
Are you okay?
Yeah, yeah, I-I'm fine.
Oh, honey, what are you doing home so early?
Where are the kids?
I just dropped them off at my mother's house.
Hey, you're scaring me.
What... What's going on?
I missed you.
I miss you, too.
What's happening to us?
I don't know.
I feel like it's my fault
that we're not as close as we used to be.
Ah, it's-it's not your fault. It's my fault.
I'm not doing everything I'm supposed to do.
Is it too late?
I don't know.
(R&B music playing)
You know, baby,
I just want to tell you
how sorry I am for being so cold.
It's not like I don't like being married.
It's just that sometimes it feels like
the walls are closing in on me.
Now, hold on one minute.
Whatever you did, you did to yourself.
'Cause I been running around here,
trying to make a nice life for us,
taking care of the kids, being Everywoman.
But lately...
# You've been cold as ice #
# So cold. #
So have you.
Oh, grow up.
You know it's true.
Look...
I know none of this is easy, but I miss us.
I miss what we had.
I miss it to the core, and I just need to know...
# How come we don't fuck anymore? #
You the one on strike!
# It's been a mighty long time #
You out of your fucking mind!
Careful, nigga.
Baby, I still want you.
And I've wanted you for so long.
But every time I touch you...
# You act like I did something wrong #
- # No, I don't # - Yes, you do!
I don't want to leave.
# Neither do I #
I still want you!
# I'm gonna cry #
Where are the kids?!
I told you, they're gone.
# In that case, we should be making love #
# All night long, all night long #
# Hee... #
# All #
BOTH: # Night long... #
(saxophone wailing)
RICHARD: When I told Nikki that my life
wasn't about what I wanted, I lied.
I'm not that unselfish.
I know exactly what I want.
I want a woman that'll not only
fight with me, but who'll fight for me.
A woman I can go to war with,
who'll drag me and my kids out alive.
A woman that can see the good in me
when I can't even see it in myself.
You know, Nikki was a great fantasy,
but in reality...
I think I love my wife.
(man singing)
(woman singing)
(man, woman continue singing)
(song ends)
(whimsical, funky theme playing)
##
(whimsical, funky theme fades)
(medium-tempo R&B intro playing)
(man, backup singers singing)
(singing ends)