﻿1
[Sleigh Ride playing on car radio]
♪ ♪
(Trudie) I'M NOT CRAZY.
I'M A LONG WAY FROM CRAZY.
DOING ONE CRAZY THING DOES NOT MAKE A PERSON CRAZY.
THOUGH I HAVE TO ADMIT THIS ISN'T HOW I EXPECTED
TO BE SPENDING MY CHRISTMAS.
AND I'M SURE IT'S NOT HOW DAVID MARTIN PLANNED
ON SPENDING HIS.
SO...YOU'VE BEEN WALKING FOR WHAT, ABOUT AN HOUR?
AND YOU'VE GONE EXACTLY
1.8 MILES.
THE NEAREST GAS STATION IS 20 MILES AWAY.
YOU DO THE MATH.
LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU JUST COME BACK TO THE HOUSE?
WE'LL MAKE SOME HOT CHOCOLATE, OKAY?
♪ OUR CHEEKS ARE NICE AND ROSY ♪
ARE YOU OKAY?
NOTHING SMART TO SAY?
IS YOUR FACE FROZEN?
YOU...
ARE...
THE DEVIL.
♪ IT'S LOVELY WEATHER ♪
♪ FOR A SLEIGH RIDE TOGETHER WITH YOU ♪
♪ DING A LING-A-LING DING DONG DING ♪ ♪
[alarm beeping]
[silences alarm]
THE DAY STARTED OUT LIKE EVERY OTHER DAY.
WHICH LATELY IS NOT NECESSARILY A GOOD THING.
♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ SEEMS LIKE EVERYWHERE YOU GO ♪
♪ PEOPLE SEARCHING FOR AN EXPLANATION ♪
♪ NEED A REASON, NEED A PLAN ♪
♪ ALWAYS HAVE TO KNOW THE DESTINATION ♪
♪ ONE THING I KNOW FOR SURE ♪
♪ GOTTA MAKE THE MOST OF THE SITUATION ♪
♪ SETTLE DOWN AND TAKE IT SLOW ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T CONTROL WHERE THE FLOW IS GOING ♪
♪ YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY ♪
♪ LIFE'S NOT EASY ♪
♪ THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO IS CRAZY... ♪
[cell phone rings]
♪ AND REACH UP TO THE SKY ♪
♪ BELIEVE YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING SPECIAL ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ THERE'S NO MOUNTAIN YOU CAN'T CLIMB ♪
OH, CRAP!
TRUDIE, THAT WORD IS SO TACKY.
(Trudie) HI, MOM.
HI, HONEY.
WE'RE JUST GETTING ORGANIZED HERE.
WE HAD TO BRING EVERYTHING.
YOU NEVER KNOW WITH A RENTAL.
SO YOU HAVE DIRECTIONS AND EVERYTHING?
I DO.
I'M GOING TO BE DOING SEATING ARRANGEMENTS FOR DINNER.
SO I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE
THAT NICK IS STILL COMING WITH YOU.
OF COURSE HE IS.
COCKTAILS AT 6:00 SHARP.
I KNOW, MOM.
[muted ring]
WE ARE SO EXCITED TO MEET HIM, HONEY.
IT'S GOING TO BE A VERY SPECIAL CHRISTMAS.
YOU THINK HE COULD BE THE ONE?
I DON'T KNOW, MOM.
OH.
YEAH, MAYBE HE COULD.
LOOK, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO TALK ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW.
I GOTTA GET READY FOR THE INTERVIEW.
OH, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
WEAR YOUR CHRISTMAS DRESS.
IT'S A GREAT COLOR ON YOU,
AND THE STYLE REALLY SLIMS YOUR HIPS.
MOM, NO, I'M ALREADY DRESSED!
AND PLEASE, FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR,
NO MORE PINK SWEATERS, PLEASE!
HONEY, PINK IS THE BEST COLOR ON YOU
WITH YOUR BLUE EYES AND--
I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF IT FITS ANYMORE.
I AM TELLING YOU YOU HAVE TO DRESS FOR THE JOB...
OKAY...OKAY...OKAY!
HERE, HONEY, TALK TO YOUR DAD.
NO, NO, NO, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO TALK TO--
(Dad) HEY, HEY! HI, DAD.
LISTEN, YOU TOLD MR. PORTNOY
THAT I DON'T HAVE ANY SALES EXPERIENCE, RIGHT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU SOLD HIM LEMONADE.
I SOLD HIM LEMONADE WHEN I WAS TEN,
WHEN HE CALLED ME "LITTLE POOTIE."
LISTEN, NEVER TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.
AND DO NOT LEAVE THAT ROOM UNTIL THE JOB IS YOURS, OKAY?
OKAY, WELL, WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM I'VE BEEN DOING?
WELL, I DIDN'T.
I JUST SAID YOU'RE A LATE BLOOMER,
BUT THAT YOU'RE READY TO GET YOUR LIFE TOGETHER.
SO YOU MAKE ME PROUD. I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU.
LOVE YA, MWAH! OKAY.
DRIVE SAFE, OKAY? BYE.
LOVE YOU.
I CAN FEEL IT, HONEY.
I THINK THINGS ARE TURNING AROUND FOR YOU.
OKAY. BYE, MOM.
OH, HONEY, HONEY, BE SURE TO DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR HAIR.
OH, MY GOD.
OH, NO!
THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!
[screams]
(Trudie) YEP, THE DAY STARTED OUT LIKE ANY OTHER.
EXCEPT IT WAS ALMOST CHRISTMAS.
AND THE CONSTANT PRESSURE FROM MY PARENTS
TO GET A REAL JOB AND A SERIOUS BOYFRIEND
WAS TAKING ITS TOLL.
IT WAS ENOUGH TO DRIVE ANYONE NUTS.
BUT AREN'T MOST OF US JUST A HAIR AWAY FROM CRAZY ANYWAY?
I THINK DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SANITY AND INSANITY
OFTEN COMES DOWN TO TIMING.
[tires squeal]
[glass shatters]
OH!
YOU BITCH!
[horn honks]
[elevator pings]
HI, TRUDIE CHANDLER. I HAVE A-- YOU'RE LATE.
I KNOW, I'M SORRY. HE CAN'T SEE YOU NOW.
OH, NO, NO, I KNOW I'M A LITTLE LATE,
BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
YOU SEE, MY PARENTS AND MR. PORTNOY ARE NEIGHBORS.
SO MY DAD SET THIS APPOINTMENT,
SO IT'S VERY IMPORTANT THAT I SEE HIM.
IF IT WAS SO IMPORTANT, YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN ON TIME.
HE'S IN WITH HIS NEXT INTERVIEW.
NO.
NO, HE CAN'T BE.
NO, I CAN'T MISS THIS INTERVIEW.
DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.
MR. PORTNOY, IT'S ME! LITTLE POOTIE!
FROM THE CORNER! COME ON!
COME ON, YOU KNOW I CAN SELL.
I MADE MORE MONEY
THAN ANY OF THOSE OTHER GIRLS ON THE STREET!
WE HAVE A CODE RED UP HERE.
[grunting]
BUT THINGS ARE FINALLY TURNING AROUND FOR ME.
OH! HOW'D IT GO?
I'M PRETTY SURE I DIDN'T GET IT.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I DON'T PAY YOU TO CHITCHAT WITH YOUR FRIEND, OKAY?
GET TO WORK OR YOU'LL BE OUT IN THE GUTTER.
SHUT UP, TAJ.
YOU'RE GONNA FIRE ME LIKE I'M GONNA SLEEP WITH YOU.
HE WOULD NOT KEEP HIS GREAT-GRANDFATHER'S GUN HERE
IF HE KNEW HOW CLOSE I COME TO KILLING HIM EVERY DAY.
OH, MY GOD. UGH, I LEFT IT IN TOO LONG.
MY MOM'S ALWAYS COMPLAINING THAT MY HAIR HANGS IN MY FACE.
OH, MY GOD.
IT'S MY CHRISTMAS DRESS. MY MOM GOT IT FOR ME.
TAJ IS REALLY INTO CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR.
BUT HE'S HINDU.
PSSH.
HOW DO I LOOK?
OH, SWEETIE.
OH, LUCY, I COMPLETELY BLEW THE INTERVIEW.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE TO GO HOME TODAY.
THERE'S GONNA BE NOWHERE TO HIDE.
I MEAN, MY MOM WANTED THIS TO BE A SPECIAL CHRISTMAS,
SO SHE RENTED A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.
WE'RE GONNA BE TRAPPED LIKE THE SHINING.
I'M SORRY.
I'D OFFER TO COME WITH YOU,
BUT STEVE AND I ARE HAVING OUR FIRST
CHRISTMAS ALONE TOGETHER.
THAT'S OKAY.
I STILL HAVE ONE MORE CHANCE FOR SURVIVAL.
NICK'S COMING WITH ME.
TABLE TWO WANTS THEIR CHECK. TABLE TWO.
WHAT?
THAT'S A LITTLE FAST, ISN'T IT?
NO, IT'S BEEN A COUPLE OF MONTHS.
BESIDES, I HAVE NOTHING TO OFFER THESE PEOPLE.
NO HUSBAND. NO GRANDCHILDREN.
MY DAD ALREADY THINKS I'M A LESBIAN.
SO YOU'RE USING NICK TO GET YOUR PARENTS OFF YOUR BACK.
YES--NO!
HE'S JUST GREAT AT FIRST IMPRESSIONS.
MY PARENTS ARE GONNA LOVE HIM.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE AGAINST HIM ANYWAY.
I GUESS ELITIST JACKASSES AREN'T MY TYPE.
THEY'RE NOT YOURS EITHER.
LOOK, SO HIS FAMILY OWNS BANKS.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH WEALTHY AND SUCCESSFUL FOR A CHANGE?
IT'S EASY TO BE WEALTHY AND SUCCESSFUL
IF YOU'RE BORN INTO WEALTH AND HANDED SUCCESS.
WELL, HE'S COMING TO PICK ME UP AT 2:00,
SO CAN YOU PLEASE TRY TO CONTROL
THE CHRONIC BITCH-ITIS, PLEASE?
CHECK, CHECK, CHECK. TABLE TWO, CHECK, HURRY UP!
I SAID I WANTED HOT FUDGE, YOU CHOWDERHEAD.
NICE.
(Nick) EXCUSE ME.
WHEN ARE YOU GONNA QUIT THIS HEINOUS JOB?
OH, YOU'RE HERE, YES!
OH, MY GOD. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I WAS TRYING
NOT TO ATTRACT ATTENTION FROM MY PARENTS.
YEAH, ABOUT THAT.
I THINK I'M GONNA PASS
ON THE WHOLE HOLIDAY SONG AND DANCE.
WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
WELL, JUST MEETING YOUR PARENTS
IS A WHOLE OTHER LEVEL,
AND I DON'T THINK WE'RE THERE YET.
OH, UH-HUH, OKAY, OKAY, UH-HUH.
WELL, DO YOU THINK THAT MAYBE
IN LIKE THE NEXT TEN MINUTES WE COULD GET TO THAT LEVEL?
BECAUSE MY PARENTS ARE EXPECTING YOU
TO COME HOME WITH ME.
I DON'T THINK WE'RE EVER GONNA GET THERE, SWEETHEART.
YOU CAN'T BAIL ON ME NOW, NICK.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, COCKTAILS ARE AT 6:00 SHARP!
I NEED YOU.
YEAH, THE NEEDY THING? NOT A TURN ON.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
THIS IS--THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!
WHY DID YOU TELL ME
YOU WERE GONNA COME HOME WITH ME FOR CHRISTMAS
IF YOU WERE NEVER GONNA DO IT?
BECAUSE I KNEW THAT THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR.
YOU KNOW, AND WE HADN'T HAD SEX YET, SO...
HEH. YEAH, SEE YOU LATER.
WAIT!
IF YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR NOW,
WE ARE SO OVER.
UH...YEAH.
OKAY.
[bell rings]
OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD.
HEY, WHAT'S UP? I'M WAITING FOR JESSICA.
RIGHT OVER THERE.
DUDE, OF COURSE I'M SURE.
SO WISH ME LUCK, OKAY? THANK YOU.
BYE.
HEY, HEY, HEY! WAKE UP!
COME ON, HURRY UP. CUSTOMER, TABLE TEN!
GO, GO, GO!
TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH.
WHAT CAN I GET FOR YOU?
UH, I'LL TAKE A CHEESEBURGER AND FRIES
AND A CAESAR SALAD, PLEASE. DRESSING ON THE SIDE.
DO YOU NEED TO WRITE IT DOWN?
[bell rings repeatedly]
[overlapping voices]
MM, THIS IS GOOD, THIS IS GOOD!
(Dad) SAID YOU WERE A LATE BLOOMER.
(Trudie) YOU CAN'T BAIL ON ME NOW, NICK!
(Katherine) COCKTAILS ARE AT 6:00.
ACTUALLY IT WAS MY FATHER'S.
(Nick) 'CAUSE I KNEW THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR,
AND WE HADN'T HAD SEX YET.
I DON'T THINK WE'RE EVER GONNA GET THERE, SWEETHEART.
YOU OKAY? WHERE'S NICK?
OH, MERRY CHRISTMAS.
[cell phone ringing]
HEY, WHAT IS THAT RINGING?
WHAT IS THAT?
HELLO, MOM.
TRUDIE? I KNEW IT.
YOU HAVEN'T LEFT YET, HAVE YOU? I'M SORRY, MOM.
I SAID 6:00.
HONEY, WHAT PART OF THAT
DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?
YOU KNOW, TRUDIE,
THE ENTIRE WORLD CAN MANAGE TO BE ON TIME.
WHY CAN'T YOU DO THIS ONE THING FOR ME?
ARE YOU TRYING TO RUIN CHRISTMAS?
TRUDIE?
WE'RE LEAVING NOW.
NICK'S BRINGING DINNER CLOTHES, RIGHT?
YEAH, HE'S WEARING A BLUE BLAZER,
DRESS SHIRT, PINK TIE.
DID YOU PLAN THE MATCHING PINK?
NO, WE DIDN'T PLAN IT. GET IN THE CAR.
EXCUSE ME. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO THE BATHROOM.
OH, THIS ISN'T THE RESTROOM?
YOU'RE COMING WITH ME.
NO, I'M GOING TO THE BATHROOM.
UH, LOOK, I'M NOT SURE WHAT KIND OF
GOVERNMENT-SPONSORED WORK PROGRAM
YOU'RE A PART OF, BUT I-- [gun cocks]
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
IT'S A GUN. ARE YOU SURE?
YEAH, IT'S A GUN.
IT WAS USED TO FIGHT THE BRITISH.
MAYBE YOU HEARD OF A LITTLE THING
CALLED THE INDIAN WAR OF INDEPENDENCE, 1857.
YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?
[grunting] MOVE IT!
HEY, WATCH IT!
AAH--UNH!
OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!
WAKE UP. WAKE UP!
[grunting]
YOU, BLITZEN.
EXCUSE YOU?
I'M LOOKING FOR MY BOYFRIEND.
HANDSOME, NICE DIMPLES.
HANDSOME, NICE DIMPLES. DON'T SEE HIM.
MAYBE THIS IS HIS WAY OF DUMPING YOU.
OH!
♪ YOU SAY I GOTTA LEARN A LESSON TODAY ♪
♪ YEAH, HEY, HEY, HEY ♪
♪ YOU SAY I NEED A GOOD PUNCH IN THE FACE ♪
♪ YEAH, HEY, HEY, HEY ♪
UNH.
HI. HUH?
HI?
HOW'S YOUR HEAD?
HOW ABOUT I TAKE THE BLINDFOLD OFF NOW?
HOW'D THAT BE?
HI.
HELLO.
[straining]
LOOK, I'M NOT SURE WHAT'S GOING ON
OR WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME,
BUT THIS PLAN DOESN'T SEEM VERY WELL THOUGHT OUT.
LET'S FACE IT. I'M A GUY.
AND SOONER OR LATER, I WILL OVERPOWER YOU.
YEAH, GOOD POINT.
UNLESS YOU KNOCK YOURSELF OUT FIRST.
OR I SHOOT YOU. [gun cocks]
YOU SEEM LIKE A NICE GIRL.
PROBABLY NOTHING A LITTLE LITHIUM COULDN'T FIX.
COME ON, YOU'RE NOT REALLY
GONNA SHOOT ME WITH THAT THING.
[squeaking]
AAH!
OH, MY GOD!
SORRY.
[soft rock playing on car radio]
♪ ♪
(Trudie) SO THIS IS THE DEAL.
YOU'RE COMING HOME WITH ME TO SPEND CHRISTMAS
WITH MY FAMILY AS MY BOYFRIEND NICK,
WHO UNFORTUNATELY COULDN'T MAKE IT.
I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING LIKE THAT, LOONEY TUNES.
YOU DON'T EXACTLY HAVE A CHOICE, DWAYNE.
IT'S DAVID, AND...
OH!
YOUR BOYFRIEND DUMPED YOU.
NO, I TOLD YOU. HE COULDN'T MAKE IT.
RIGHT.
YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE HAIRY LADY
MAN-HATER TYPES WHO'S BEEN REJECTED
TIME AFTER TIME,
AND NOW YOU'RE TAKING IT OUT
ON AN INNOCENT BYSTANDER.
WHAT? NO, I'M NOT!
[engine turns off]
GAS, GAS STATION.
GREEN AND WHITE SIGN, GREEN AND WHITE.
HEY, YOU KNOW THERE'S NO WAY
YOU'RE GONNA PULL THIS OFF, RIGHT?
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO,
HOLD THE GUN ON ME DURING CHRISTMAS DINNER?
THE SECOND I GET TO YOUR HOUSE AND TELL YOUR FAMILY
HOW DEMENTED YOU ARE-- HEY!
HEY, THAT'S GETTING PERSONAL.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
NO CELL PHONE?
IT'S IN MY COAT. AT THE DINER.
WHERE I LEFT IT BEFORE I WAS KIDNAPPED!
[straining]
MAN, WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE OF?
[bell rings]
OH, HELLO.
HI.
[clerk chuckling]
UH, JUST $10 WORTH AND THIS.
AH.
[cash register beeping]
THERE YOU GO.
I USUALLY PUMP THE GAS FOR THE PRETTY LADIES.
OH, PLEASE, THAT'S NOT NECESSARY.
YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO DENY AN OLD MAN
ONE OF THE FEW PLEASURES HE HAS LEFT.
OH, NO, REALLY!
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
I CAN HANDLE IT.
(clerk) WHOA!
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, SWEETHEART?
UH, THAT'S MY BOYFRIEND.
I'M SURPRISING HIM WITH A WEEKEND IN THE WOODS.
YOU KNOW, THE WILD KIND OF WEEKEND.
THE "TIE ME UP, TIE ME DOWN" KIND.
YOU BETTER COME WITH ME, YOUNG LADY.
I REALLY DON'T HAVE TIME.
[pump ringing]
THESE ARE ON THE HOUSE, HONEY.
OH! OH, THANKS.
YEAH.
WELL, YOU BETTER WATCH OUT,
OR I'LL COME BACK FOR YOU NEXT.
[chuckling]
OKAY.
SO...THIS KIDNAPPING
JUST GOT A LITTLE BIT MORE PROFESSIONAL.
(David) YOU'RE KIDDING.
[straining]
AND MORE COMFY TOO, RIGHT?
AND JUST SLIGHTLY MORE HUMILIATING.
[engine starts]
LUCKY LITTLE BASTARD.
[chuckles]
[soft rock playing on radio]
♪ ♪
LOOK, I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR EARLIER
FOR RAISING MY VOICE AND FOR...
YOU KNOW, SHOOTING NEAR YOUR...MANHOOD.
BEEF JERKY?
THANK YOU. THAT'S VERY KIND.
OKAY, SO I THINK WE SHOULD SHARE
A FEW IMPORTANT FACTS ABOUT EACH OTHER.
LET ME GUESS. UM...
YOU'RE SOME SORT OF A VICE PRESIDENT
OF A--A COMPANY YOUR FATHER OWNS.
OKAY, THAT'S A YES.
UM...
YOUR PARENTS BOUGHT YOUR FIRST HOUSE.
YOU SAIL AND GOLF.
I'M GUESSING A 14 HANDICAP.
AND YOU'RE PROBABLY SOME SORT OF
A ZETA BETA BETA SCHMETA.
OKAY, YES, YES, AND YES.
I'M A TEN HANDICAP.
OH, HOW GREAT FOR YOU.
WELL, I THINK IT'S SAFE TO SAY
I'VE LOST MY JOB AT TAJ'S DINER DELUXE.
I LIVE IN A CRAPPY LOFT DOWNTOWN.
I DON'T GOLF.
YEAH, THAT PRETTY MUCH SUMS IT UP.
[engine turns off]
UGH.
OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[Nutcracker Suite playing]
[front door opens and closes]
(Katherine) OOH, THERE SHE IS!
LOOK WHO'S HERE! OH, MY BABY, OH!
MOM, DON'T CRY.
LET ME LOOK AT YOU-- OH, MY GOSH!
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR HAIR?
YOU LOOK LIKE ONE OF THOSE ACTRESSES
IN A PORNOGRAPHIC MOVIE.
I HAVE PORN STAR HAIR?
HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT A PORN STAR LOOKS LIKE?
TRUDIE!
OH, BUT LET ME LOOK AT THE DRESS.
OH, IT LOOKS GORGEOUS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, RICHARD?
I THINK IT'S TOO TIGHT. HI, DAD.
SO WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TODAY?
I DON'T KNOW. I WAS LATE--
MR. PORTNOY DID THIS AS A FAVOR.
YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S A REFLECTION ON ME.
I KNOW, AND I'M SORRY-- I'M SORRY.
COULD WE NOT TALK ABOUT THIS NOW?
I DON'T WANT TO RUIN CHRISTMAS
BY ALL THIS NEGATIVE TALK.
WHERE'S NICK?
OH, HE'S IN THE CAR.
BUT I WANTED TO TELL YOU GUYS.
YOU KNOW WHEN WE GO TO A RESTAURANT
AND DAD TELLS JOKES TO THE WAITRESSES
AND THEY'RE STUPID AND EMBARRASSING
BUT HE THINKS IT'S FUNNY? MM-HMM.
WELL, UM, SOMETIMES
WHEN NICK FEELS AWKWARD IN A SOCIAL SITUATION
HE DOES THIS WHOLE, "I DIDN'T WANT TO BE HERE,
I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED" THING.
KIND OF WEIRD, BUT HE THINKS IT'S FUNNY.
SO JUST LAUGH ALONG
SO IT DOESN'T MAKE HIM FEEL BAD, OKAY?
OKAY.
WE'RE VERY EXCITED TO MEET HIM.
OKAY, LOOK, DAD, PLEASE
TRY NOT TO EMBARRASS HIM, OKAY?
YEAH, FINE.
OKAY, WE'RE ON.
NO, I'M NOT GOING.
WELL, IT'S NICE AND WARM IN THE HOUSE.
YOU'LL FREEZE TO DEATH OUT HERE.
FINE, THIS CHARADE'S ABOUT TO END RIGHT NOW.
[front door slams]
AHEM.
WELCOME.
OH, THIS IS SO, SO SPECIAL.
YOU ARE THE FIRST BOYFRIEND TRUDIE'S EVER BROUGHT HOME.
YEAH, WE THOUGHT MAYBE SHE LIKED THE INNIES.
YOU KNOW, NOT THE OUTIES.
OH, MY GOD, RICHARD! YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
OKAY.
LISTEN TO ME VERY CAREFULLY.
SHE FORCED ME TO COME HERE.
THIS WOMAN HELD ME AT GUNPOINT,
KIDNAPPED ME, AND BROUGHT ME TO THIS HOUSE
AS HER HOSTAGE.
[laughter]
I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN.
WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT? DID YOU JUST HEAR ME?
YEAH. MM-HMM.
YOUR DAUGHTER IS A CRAZY, DANGEROUS, CRIMINAL.
YES, SHE IS! OOH...
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME EGGNOG?
I HAVE A SECRET INGREDIENT THAT MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE.
[whispering] IT'S GROUND CLOVES.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE?!
ARE YOU ALL NUTS?
ALL RIGHT, HONEY, THAT'S ENOUGH.
I WILL BE RIGHT BACK. YOU HAVE YOURSELF A SEAT, NICK.
MY NAME IS NOT NICK!
YEAH, HE DOES THAT TOO.
AND I WILL NOT HAVE A SEAT!
OKAY, WELL, I'M GONNA GO HELP MOM WITH THE EGGNOG.
OH.
[laughing] COME ON.
NICK, HAVE A SEAT. COME ON.
MOM, I WAS WONDERING
IF I COULD BE KEY MASTER THIS YEAR.
REALLY?
USUALLY YOU HATE THE IDEA OF KEY MASTER.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, THE IDEA OF BEING
FORCIBLY TRAPPED AT THE HOLIDAYS
USED TO BOTHER ME, BUT NOW I SEE
THE HIGHER SOCIAL PURPOSE.
AH-HA, WELL, YOU SURE YOU CAN HANDLE GRANDMA?
YOU KNOW HOW SHE IS.
AND THAT'S BEFORE SHE DIPS INTO THE EGGNOG.
SHE'S LIKE 75 YEARS OLD.
YES, BUT SHE'S STILL FREAKISHLY STRONG.
I THINK I CAN HANDLE IT.
I'M TRUSTING YOU.
HELLO!
IS ANYONE OUT THERE?
[animal howls]
[croaking] HELP.
[shivering]
LOOK, SIR, I THINK I CAN CLEAR UP
THIS SITUATION, AND WE CAN FORGET
THE WHOLE THING EVER HAPPENED.
I JUST NEED TO USE THE PHONE.
NO PHONES IN THE HOUSE.
WHAT ABOUT A CELL PHONE?
AH, THE KEY MASTER'S GOT ALL THE CELL PHONES.
APPARENTLY IT INTERFERES WITH OUR QUALITY FAMILY TIME.
[chuckles] YEAH, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
[front door opens]
(man) OH, THIS PLACE IS GREAT!
OH, WOW.
GANG'S ALL HERE!
HEY! HI, DAD!
HOW DID MY KIDS GET SO GOOD LOOKING?
MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE WORLD.
(woman) MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I WANT TO HEAR ALL ABOUT SCHOOL.
HEY, HOW ARE YOU, STUD?
I'M GOOD. THAT'S MY BOY.
GOSH, YOU LOOK STUNNING. HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT?
NO. I CUT OUT DAIRY THOUGH.
YOU LOOK FANTASTIC. THANKS, MOM.
MOM, YOU LOOK GOOD. HI!
WOW, MOM, YOU HAVE REALLY
MADE IT LOOK PERFECT
AND CHRISTMASSY.
THANK YOU. YEAH, SOME DIGS, MA.
WHAT, DID YOU CASH IN DAD'S 401K?
HEY!
HEY, WHERE'S JAN?
I THOUGHT SHE WAS COMING.
I TOLD YOU SHE HAD TO STAY IN TOWN TO WORK.
I'M LUCKY I COULD TAKE THE TIME OFF.
YOU WORK TOO HARD.
WELL, MARKETS DON'T STOP WHEN I'M NOT THERE, MA.
HEY, NUMB NUTS, COME HERE!
LOOK AT THIS HAIR! WHAT IS THAT?
LOOK AT THAT! JAKE, JAKE, WE HAVE COMPANY.
I WOULD LIKE YOU TO MEET TRUDIE'S BOYFRIEND, NICK.
HEY, NICE TO MEET YOU.
I'M NOT HER BOYFRIEND!
I MET HER TODAY WHEN SHE POKED A MUSKET IN MY RIBS,
TIED ME UP WITH FURRY HANDCUFFS,
AND DROVE ME TO WHEREVER I AM RIGHT NOW.
FURRY HANDCUFFS. NOW I'M EMBARRASSED.
[laughter]
HE'S--IT'S-- OH, IT'S A WHOLE THING.
ALL RIGHT, COME HERE.
LOOK, JAKE--IS IT JAKE? YEAH.
YOU LOOK LIKE A REASONABLE PERSON.
LISTEN TO ME, MAN.
YOU MAY THINK YOUR SISTER IS NORMAL.
BUT SHE'S NOT. BELIEVE ME.
SHE IS A PSYCHOPATH.
TELL ME ABOUT IT!
HUH? HA HA!
ALL RIGHT, I WANT EGGNOG.
COME ON, NICK.
MERRY CHRISTMAS. COME ON.
OKAY, NICK, YOU'LL BE IN HERE.
AND, TRUDIE-- MOM, I AM 27 YEARS OLD.
I'M GONNA SLEEP IN THE SAME ROOM AS MY BOYFRIEND.
END OF STORY.
OH. OKAY, DEAR.
YEAH, YOU BETTER GET USED TO THESE BUNK BEDS.
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GONNA BE SHARING
WITH YOU NEW JAIL BUDDIES, MAD DOG AND ROZ.
WHY DON'T YOU TRY AND RELAX?
OH, MAKE NO MISTAKE, FREAK SHOW.
I WILL FIND A WAY OUT OF HERE.
AND WHAT'S GONNA KEEP ME GOING
IS THE LOOK ON YOUR TWISTED FACE
AS THEY HAUL YOU OFF TO THE SLAMMER.
YOU KNOW, YOU MIGHT AS WELL SETTLE DOWN,
BECAUSE THERE'S NO WAY OUT OF HERE.
SEE, AS THE KEY MASTER, I HAVE CONTROL
OF ALL THE CAR KEYS AND CELL PHONES,
WHICH I'VE HIDDEN QUITE WELL, IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF.
SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL TRY AND GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP
BECAUSE WE HAVE A COUPLE OF BIG DAYS
AHEAD OF US, SHNOOKUMS.
[snoring]
BE THE KEY MASTER. BE THE KEY MASTER.
THERE'S GOTTA BE A NEIGHBOR SOMEWHERE.
♪ COME ON, IT'S LOVELY WEATHER ♪
♪ FOR A SLEIGH RIDE TOGETHER WITH YOU ♪
♪ OUTSIDE THE SNOW IS FALLING ♪
♪ AND FRIENDS ARE CALLING YOO-HOO ♪
♪ COME ON, IT'S LOVELY WEATHER ♪
♪ FOR A SLEIGH RIDE TOGETHER WITH YOU... ♪
SO...YOU'VE BEEN WALKING FOR WHAT, ABOUT AN HOUR?
LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU JUST COME BACK TO THE HOUSE?
WE'LL MAKE SOME HOT CHOCOLATE, OKAY?
♪ OUR CHEEKS ARE NICE AND ROSY ♪
♪ AND COMFY AND COZY ARE WE ♪
[engine turns off]
NO HOT CHOCOLATE FOR YOU THEN?
[cell phone vibrating]
HELLO.
HEY, IT'S ME.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU YESTERDAY?
YOU LOOKED KIND OF STRANGE.
AND THEN I TURNED AROUND AND YOU WERE GONE.
ARE YOU OKAY?
YEAH, I'M FINE.
WELL, NOT EXACTLY FINE.
I THINK I HAD A LITTLE BIT OF A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.
I DIDN'T KNOW THEY CAME IN SIZES.
YEAH, AND I--
I DID SOMETHING KIND OF CRAZY.
HEY, GOOD MORNING.
MORNING.
COME ON, SIT DOWN.
I'LL MAKE YOU A SPECIAL BREAKFAST.
IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL.
NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL?
YOU HAVE TO LET HIM GO RIGHT NOW.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO AFTER THE HOLIDAYS?
YOU CAN'T KEEP HIM. HE'S NOT A PUPPY.
I KNOW.
LOOK, I HAVEN'T THOUGHT THAT FAR AHEAD,
BUT I'LL FIGURE IT OUT.
I HOPE YOU LIKE EGGS BENEDICT,
AND I HOPE YOU'RE HUNGRY.
A LITTLE FRUIT SALAD.
HERE YOU GO.
THANK YOU. MM-HMM.
YOU DIDN'T SLEEP IN THOSE CLOTHES, DID YOU?
YEAH, I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU THAT--
OH, YOU KNOW IN ALL THE CHAOS, WE FORGOT HIS SUITCASE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I LEFT IT AT THE DINER.
YOU KNOW I SHOULD REALLY CALL ABOUT THAT, BUNNY.
COULD I BORROW YOUR PHONE, PLEASE?
SORRY, I DIDN'T BRING MY PHONE, SWEET PEA.
YES, YOUR DID. IT'S IN YOUR--
OH! TRUDIE!
OHH.
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUT THAT AWAY.
RIGHT. FORGOT.
I'LL GO GET YOU SOMETHING TO WEAR
WHILE I WASH YOUR CLOTHES.
RICHARD ALWAYS BRINGS A FEW THINGS
HE THINKS HE'LL BE ABLE TO FIT INTO
IF HE LOSES TEN POUNDS.
GIVE ME THE PHONE. COME AND GET IT.
GIVE IT! NO!
YOU KNOW, I RAN TRACK IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I PLAYED FOOTBALL, AND MY NICKNAME WAS FLASH.
OOH, SCARY!
YOU KNOW, I WAS ALSO REALLY GOOD AT HOME EC.
OH, REALLY? THAT'S USEFUL.
RIGHT, IT IS.
BECAUSE I WAS REALLY GOOD AT MAKING ONE DISH.
WHAT'S THAT?
BEEF TENDERLOIN.
EXTRA TENDER.
DON'T DO IT. DON'T DO IT!
HERE YOU GO, NICK.
THANK YOU.
[breathes deeply] THIS SUCKS.
SO THE SHEEP DOG SAYS, "THE SHEEP DOG DON'T TALK."
YOU GET IT?
(Trudie) NO.
[laughter]
OH, YOU DON'T GET IT?
OH, NICE LOOK.
YEAH, REGANOMICS, HUH?
NO!
[silverware clatters]
[exhales]
I FORGOT THE EXTRA VIRGIN OLIVE OIL.
HOW COULD THAT HAVE HAPPENED?
I'D BE HAPPY TO GO TO THE STORE FOR YOU.
NO, MOM.
I SHOULD GO. IT'D BE RUDE TO SEND A GUEST.
IT IS A LONG DRIVE.
NO, REALLY, IT'D BE MY PLEASURE.
WELL, NICK, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? RICHARD WILL DRIVE.
YOU GO WITH HIM. MOM--
TRUDIE, TRUDIE, I'M GONNA NEED YOUR HELP, HONEY.
AND THIS IS A GOOD OPPORTUNITY FOR THE MEN TO, YOU KNOW,
HAVE SOME QUALITY TIME TOGETHER.
MOM! GERTRUDE MARIE.
WELL, COME ON, NICK. RICHARD WILL DRIVE.
YOU GO GET THE KEYS.
THANK YOU!
[Richard humming]
THIS SHOULD UNDO THE DAMAGE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE THINKING.
WHO PERMS THEIR HAIR ANYMORE?
NO OFFENSE, BUT THIS LOOK SAYS DESPERATE.
GUYS CAN TELL WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TOO HARD.
SO YOU DATING ANYONE AT LAW SCHOOL, KATIE?
I'M DATING A FEW GUYS.
KATIE!
I DIDN'T SAY I SLEPT WITH THEM.
I'M NOT A SLUT.
I KNOW.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW HOW TRUDIE HOOKED UP WITH NICK.
HE IS SO HOT.
OH, I JUST GAVE HIM NO CHOICE...
BUT TO LOVE ME.
YEAH, WELL, HE IS SOMETHING.
HE'S WELL-SPOKEN. HE'S SUCCESSFUL.
HE'S HANDSOME.
I THINK YOUR FATHER'S
TAKEN A LIKING TO HIM.
I'M SURE THEY'RE BONDING.
[engine turns off]
MISTER, YOU HAVE TO HELP ME. I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED.
LET ME GUESS.
BY A SEXY LADY IN A PINK DRESS.
YES, YES, YOU REMEMBER!
AND SHE TIED YOU UP AND BLINDFOLDED YOU.
YES, YES, THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT!
AND SHE SPANKS YOU AND DOES NAUGHTY THINGS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? EW, THAT'S DISGUSTING.
EXTRA VIRGIN OLIVE OIL.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
CAN YOU REALLY BE AN EXTRA VIRGIN?
[chuckling]
GOT A LITTLE WOMAN AT HOME
LOVES TO HAVE EVERYTHING LATHERED UP IN OIL.
NOT THAT I'M COMPLAINING.
THAT'S THE BEST THING ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS.
NO GUILT. RIGHT, SON?
OH.
[pounding on door]
WHERE IN GOD'S NAME ARE WE?
I'M FREEZING MY TA-TAS OFF.
WELL, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO, GRANDMA.
OH, DON'T CALL ME THAT!
UNH!
ALL RIGHT, OLD MAN, I'M NOT LEAVING HERE
UNTIL YOU HELP ME!
I'M COMING BACK THERE AND I'M GONNA USE THAT PHONE.
THERE'S NOT GONNA BE ANY TROUBLE
IN MY STORE, SUPER FREAK.
NOW BACK THAT ASS UP NICE AND SLOW.
[exhales]
I'M GONNA TURN THE RADIO--
[both screaming and grunting]
I'M BUSTING OUT OF HERE!
CALM DOWN, SON!
I JUST WANT TO GO HOME!
OH, I KNOW.
RELATIONSHIPS CAN SEEM SUFFOCATING AT TIMES,
BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'LL PASS.
NOW DON'T YOU WORRY. THIS'LL BE OUR LITTLE SECRET.
THERE IT IS.
(Jake) SWEET.
DON'T TAKE THE PIECES FROM MY SIDE, PLEASE.
THERE'S PIECES MISSING.
HI, HI. HOW'D IT GO?
(Richard) EVERYTHING'S FINE, HONEY.
YEAH, EVERYTHING'S FINE.
[pants rip]
[David grunts]
[family chuckling] UH-OH!
OH, JUST LIKE PAUL NEWMAN.
NICE, FIRM--
GRANDMA!
DOLORES GRANT.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
HEY, DUDE, I'VE GOT SOME CLOTHES YOU CAN BORROW.
COME ON.
WHATEVER. THANKS, MAN.
[laughter]
I DIDN'T LIKE THOSE PANTS ANYWAY.
HERE, TRY THOSE.
YOU HAVE A PHONE?
YEAH. KEEP IT TO YOURSELF, THOUGH.
YOU KNOW HOW MY MOM IS ABOUT PHONES AT CHRISTMAS.
HEH.
UH, I NEED TO MAKE A CALL.
COULD I BORROW IT FOR A MINUTE?
SURE.
THANKS.
[knock] I'LL BE OUT IN A MINUTE!
LET'S GO IN THERE, SUNSHINE.
(Jessica's voice) HI, YOU'VE REACHED JESSICA'S VOICEMAIL.
DAMN IT!
[telephone ringing]
MARIA.
HELLO.
MRS. BARBER, IT'S DAVID.
HELLO, DARLING. MERRY CHRISTMAS.
(David) I WAS LOOKING FOR JESSICA,
BUT I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT NOW.
LISTEN, I'VE BEEN TAKEN HOSTAGE!
MARIA, I CAN'T REACH MY DRINK!
MRS. BARBER, ARE YOU THERE?
LET ME GET JESSICA FOR YOU, DARLING.
JESSICA!
NO, NO, NO, MRS. BARBER, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
MARIA.
MARIA--AAH!
OH, NO, MRS. BARBER.
NOT AGAIN.
HEY, WHERE'S NICK?
HE'S ON THE PHONE.
PHONE? WHAT PHONE?
MY PHONE.
OH! OH, MAN!
[telephone ringing]
HELLO.
JESSICA! WHO'S THIS?
IT'S DAVID.
I'VE GOT SOMETHING REALLY IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU.
REALLY?
BECAUSE YOU SAID THAT YOU HAD SOMETHING IMPORTANT
TO SAY YESTERDAY, AND THEN YOU STOOD ME UP.
IS MY BOYFRIEND IN THERE?
DAISY MAE HAS BEEN IN THERE PRIMPING FOR TEN MINUTES.
OPEN THIS DOOR!
(Jessica) I SKIPPED MY GAMMA PI DELTA
ALUMNI LUNCHEON TO MEET YOU.
JESSICA, PLEASE LISTEN TO ME.
AND I AM SURE THAT BETSY PALMER
JUMPED AT THE CHANCE
TO CAMPAIGN FOR MY SPOT AS SOCIAL CHAIR.
OPEN THIS DOOR!
I WAS ON BROADWAY ONCE.
HEY!
I WAS KIDNAPPED FROM THE RESTAURANT YESTERDAY
BY A WAITRESS.
SHE'S ABOUT 5'2".
SHE'S GOT CRAZY HAIR AND CRAZY EYES.
IF THIS IS YOUR WAY OF GETTING OUT
OF CHRISTMAS EVE WITH MY PARENTS--
(David) LISTEN TO ME!
I'M COUPLE HOURS OUTSIDE THE CITY.
NORTH, I THINK.
IT'S A LOG CABIN. SIX PLUS FOUR, RUSTIC CHARM.
ARE YOU DRUNK?
PLEASE, SWEETHEART, I LOVE YOU.
THE IMPORTANT THING YESTERDAY?
I WAS GOING TO PROPOSE.
PROPOSE?
GO TO THE POLICE AND TELL THEM WHAT'S HAPPENED.
JESSICA, ARE YOU THERE?!
OH. YOU'RE SERIOUS?
YES!
I HAVE TO GO.
DID YOU TALK TO SOMEONE ON THE PHONE?
NOPE, COULDN'T GET ANY RECEPTION IN THE BATHROOM.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU. YOU TALKED TO SOMEONE.
OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT. I DID.
AND IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME NOW
UNTIL I'M BROKEN OUT OF THIS ASYLUM.
BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
UNTIL THAT TIME,
I'VE DECIDED I'M GONNA HELP YOU.
I'M GONNA BE THE BEST BOYFRIEND EVER,
AND YOUR PARENTS ARE GONNA FALL IN LOVE WITH ME.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
BECAUSE IT'S GONNA BE MORE SATISFYING FOR ME
WHEN YOUR FAMILY LEARNS THE TRUTH ABOUT YOU.
[exhales]
(David) YOU HAVE TO SWING YOUR HIPS
IN CONJUNCTION WITH YOUR SHOULDERS.
IF YOU WATCH TIGER, IT'S ALL CONNECTED.
ONE FLUID MOTION. THERE YOU GO.
PLAYING THROUGH!
(Richard) OKAY.
SO WHAT IS IT YOU DO, NICK?
I WORK FOR A REAL ESTATE DEVELOPMENT COMPANY.
REALLY, WHICH ONE? BARBER AND PARTNERS.
I KNOW BARBER AND PARTNERS. THAT'S A GOOD COMPANY.
MY FIRM DID SOME LEGAL WORK FOR YOU
ON THE PINEHURST CONDOS. OH, OKAY.
WHAT DO YOU THERE?
I'M A VICE PRESIDENT OF NEW BUSINESS.
YOU KNOW, THERE WAS A TIME WE THOUGHT TRUDIE,
WITH ALL HER CAUSES, MIGHT GO TO LAW SCHOOL
LIKE HER SISTER KATIE.
BEING A DEMOCRAT IS NOT A CAUSE, DAD.
BUT SHE GOT HER DEGREE IN LIBERAL ARTS.
FINE ARTS, DAD.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
IT'S AN EXPENSIVE WAY TO SAY,
"DO YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?"
[chuckling]
OH, HOMEMADE ORNAMENTS.
YEAH, TRUDIE MADE THAT WHEN SHE WAS FIVE.
SHE WAS A LITTLE WITHDRAWN AS A CHILD.
OKAY, MOM.
YOU KNOW, HER BROTHER AND SISTER
ARE SO OUTGOING AND HAD SO MANY FRIENDS.
BUT TRUDIE WAS--I DON'T KNOW-- A LITTLE ANTISOCIAL.
REALLY?
WE EVEN PAID A LITTLE BOY DOWN THE STREET
TO BE HER FRIEND, BUT HE GAVE US OUR MONEY BACK.
ALL RIGHT!
SO FROM THEN ON IT WAS TRUDIE AND HER PROJECTS.
AND OF COURSE BOBO BLONKERS.
BOBO BLONKERS?
HER IMAGINARY FRIEND.
THANKS, MOM. THANKS A LOT.
WHAT? WHAT WAS THAT?
ARE YOU TALKING TO BOBO BLONKERS RIGHT NOW?
I HAVE AN IDEA.
WHY DON'T WE LET NICK
PUT THE ANGEL UP ON THE TREE THIS YEAR?
UM, MOM...
I'VE BEEN DOING IT SINCE I WAS FOUR YEARS OLD.
REMEMBER WHEN DAD USED TO HOLD ME UP
TO THE TOP OF THE TREE AND I WAS SO CUTE UP THERE?
I KNOW, HONEY. DON'T BE SELFISH.
DAD, IT'S MY THING.
I MEAN, THIS IS MY MOMENT.
YOU KNOW, IT'S TRADITION.
DOES ANYONE CARE ABOUT THAT ANYMORE?
TRUDIE, WHAT'S WRONG WITH STARTING A NEW TRADITION?
NICK, UP THE TREE.
OH, THANKS. ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU.
YEAH.
HEY, THERE SHE IS.
[all shouting and laughing]
WOO!
[all cheering]
(David) WOW, THIS IS REALLY A GREAT PLACE.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S AN INCREDIBLE CRAFTSMANSHIP
THAT GOES INTO A CABIN LIKE THIS.
I'D SAY THIS IS ADIRONDACK STYLE WITH A CONTEMPORARY TWIST.
YES, IN THE ADIRONDACKS,
I STARRED IN A REVIVAL OF MEDEA.
YES, WE KNOW THAT, MOTHER!
YOU DON'T NEED TO SHOUT, DEAR.
I'M NOT DEAF.
NICK, WOULD YOU LIKE ANOTHER PIECE OF PIE?
SURE.
TRUDIE, WOULD YOU GET HIM ANOTHER PIECE OF PIE, PLEASE?
WELL, HE KNOWS WHERE THE KITCHEN IS.
ARE YOU TRYING TO RUIN CHRISTMAS?
OH, THANK YOU, BUNNYKINS!
[chuckling]
NICK, EVERY CHRISTMAS EVE,
WE READ 'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS.
AND I WAS WONDERING IF MAYBE
YOU WOULD LIKE TO DO THE HONORS.
[family cheers and applauds]
REALLY? OH, WOW.
OKAY.
THAT'S IT. I'VE HAD ENOUGH.
WHOA.
UH, I'M GONNA--YEAH.
YEAH, SMART.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH ME?
THEY'RE FAWNING ALL OVER YOU
LIKE THE LAST PIECE OF FILET MIGNON.
THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED.
ISN'T THAT THE WHOLE POINT OF ALL THIS?
YEAH, BUT-- BUT WHAT?
MY FAMILY LIKES YOU
MORE THAN...THEY LIKE ME.
WELL, I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO READ THE STUPID STORY.
SO DON'T READ THE STORY.
I DON'T CARE IF YOU READ THE STORY.
WELL, THEN FINE.
THEN I'M GONNA READ THE STORY.
FINE.
[moaning]
(Richard) LOVE THIS PIE.
[moaning]
IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
YEAH, IT'S FINE, MOM.
(David) THANK YOU.
OKAY, HERE WE GO.
"TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
"WHEN ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE
"NOT A CREATURE WAS STIRRING,
"NOT EVEN A MOUSE.
"THE STOCKINGS WERE HUNG BY THE CHIMNEY WITH CARE
"IN HOPES THAT ST. NICHOLAS SOON WOULD BE THERE.
"THE CHILDREN WERE NESTLED ALL SNUG IN THEIR BEDS
WHILE VISIONS OF SUGARPLUMS DANCED IN THEIR HEADS."
[sentimental music]
♪ ♪
[laughter and applause]
WELL DONE!
MOM, WE DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE OREOS AND MILK
FOR SANTA THIS YEAR.
WHAT IF SANTA'S HUNGRY?
WILL YOU PUT THAT AWAY? MM-HMM.
MOM, COME ON, WE'RE ALL ADULTS HERE.
WE DON'T HAVE TO WRITE LETTERS.
HOW IS SANTA GOING TO KNOW WHAT YOU WANT?
GOOD NIGHT.
HMM.
YOU CAN'T EAT THOSE.
WHAT'S IT GONNA LOOK LIKE
IF SANTA DOESN'T EAT HIS COOKIES?
FIGURES YOU'RE A DUNKER.
OF COURSE.
WHAT ARE YOU, A TWISTER?
THAT'S SO WRONG IN SO MANY WAYS.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH.
OH, THIS SO DUMB.
I HOPE YOU'RE NOT EXPECTING MUCH FROM SANTA.
A FEDERAL OFFENSE PROBABLY PUTS YOU
ON THE NAUGHTY LIST THIS YEAR.
LAUGH IT UP. YOU'VE GOTTA DO ONE TOO.
HMM?
THIS MAY TAKE A WHILE.
I'M GONNA ASK FOR A NEW FULLY LOADED S.U.V.
HMM, INTERESTING.
I'M GONNA ASK FOR AN END TO GLOBAL WARMING.
WHAT, YOU THINK MY LIST IS SUPERFICIAL?
I DON'T KNOW. LET ME SEE IT.
NO.
YOU WANT A PASTA MACHINE?
I LIKE TO COOK.
DON'T YOU WANT SOMETHING MORE, YOU KNOW, MEANINGFUL?
I HAVE EVERYTHING I WANT.
GREAT JOB. BEAUTIFUL GIRLFRIEND.
LET ME SEE YOURS.
"TIKI LIGHTS. CHINESE TEA POT.
STOP DISAPPOINTING MY PARENTS."
COME ON, I'M SURE THAT'S NOT TRUE.
BELIEVE ME, IT'S TRUE.
LOOK, YOUR PARENTS ARE GOOD PEOPLE.
AND THEY LOVE YOU.
I JUST WISH FOR ONCE THEY'D LOOK AT ME...
YOU KNOW, THE WAY THEY LOOK AT YOU.
THEY DO.
THEY DON'T.
THE BEST CHRISTMAS I EVER HAD, I WAS TEN.
I WAS TAKING FIGURE SKATING LESSONS,
AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE THIS BIG RECITAL
ON CHRISTMAS EVE.
THERE WAS THIS HUGE SNOWSTORM
AND THEY CANCELLED IT.
OH, I WAS SO UPSET.
BUT OUR HOUSE HAD THIS PATIO IN THE BACK,
AND MY DAD SHOVELED IT
AND RAN THE HOSE OVER IT AND MADE ICE.
AND MY MOM PUT LIGHTS IN ALL THE TREES IN THE BACKYARD.
OH, THE GLOW WAS SO BEAUTIFUL.
AND IT WAS SO QUIET.
AND THAT CHRISTMAS EVE, I SKATED MY LITTLE ROUTINE
WITH MY PARENTS WATCHING.
IT WAS LIKE I WAS THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
THEY WERE SO PROUD OF ME.
BUT SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY THINGS CHANGED,
AND I JUST...WISH THEY STILL FELT THAT WAY
ABOUT ME, YOU KNOW?
YOU KNOW, I THINK PARENTS
WANT THE BEST FOR THEIR KIDS.
BUT SOMETIMES THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
WE SHOULD PROBABLY HIDE THE EVIDENCE.
[Christmas rock music playing]
[laughter and chattering]
HELLO!
HELLO?
HELLO!
EXCUSE ME, THERE'S A CONCERNED CITIZEN HERE
WHO NEEDS HELP FROM HER CIVIL SERVANTS.
YOO-HOO! HEY!
[chattering stops]
SOMEBODY BETTER PAY ATTENTION TO ME.
SHE'S ALL YOURS, PAL.
LET ME GUESS. DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE?
NO, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I'M HERE TO REPORT A KIDNAPPING.
♪ DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW ♪
♪ IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH ♪
[family chattering]
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MOTHER, ISN'T IT A LITTLE EARLY?
EARLY FOR WHO, SUGAR BRITCHES?
I HAVE TO SPEND ANOTHER ENTIRE DAY
TRAPPED WITH YOU YAHOOS.
MAMA'S GONNA NEED A LITTLE HELP.
OKAY.
EVERYBODY, HERE'S THE SCHEDULE FOR TODAY.
JAKE AND KATIE, YOU'LL BE ON KITCHEN DUTY WITH ME.
RICHARD, YOU'RE CHOPPING FIREWOOD.
MOTHER-- HMM?
DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.
TRUDIE, YOU AND NICK GO OUTSIDE AND HAVE SOME FUN.
I'VE LEFT SOME WARM JACKETS AND STUFF BY THE BACK DOOR.
PRESENTS ARE AT 4:00. DINNER WILL BE AT 7:00.
THAT'S IT!
YOU KNOW, ABOUT LAST NIGHT,
I DIDN'T MEAN TO GET PERSONAL, AND, YOU KNOW--
WHAT?
OH, MY GOD. NEVER MIND.
WHAT?
THAT'S GREAT.
YOU'RE JUST CHECKING OUT MY SISTER.
I MEAN, WHY WOULDN'T YOU BE? OF COURSE YOU ARE.
SHE'S GORGEOUS AND GRACEFUL AND--
YOUR SISTER IS VERY LIMBER.
UGH.
YOU'RE JEALOUS.
I AM NOT! ARE TOO.
AM NOT! ARE TOO!
AM NOT!
DO RICH KIDS EVEN PLAY HOCKEY?
I PLAYED MY FAIR SHARE.
WELL, I'VE BEEN PLAYING WITH MY BROTHER
SINCE I COULD WALK, SO LET'S GO.
[soft rock music]
[laughing] YES!
OH.
I'M OKAY, I'M OKAY.
UNH! OH!
YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS?
YEAH, COME ON.
UNH! UNH!
(David) SORRY.
YOU KNOW, I GOTTA GIVE IT TO YOU.
YOU'RE PRETTY SCRAPPY.
UM, I THINK YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH FOR NOW.
[chuckling]
SO WHAT DO YOU DO FOR FUN?
YOU KNOW, WHAT ARE YOU INTERESTED IN?
I PAINT. REALLY?
WHAT KIND OF PAINTINGS?
PORTRAITS MOSTLY.
YOU KNOW, LIKE POST-IMPRESSIONIST STUFF.
IT'S A FOCUS ON COLOR OVER LINE--
I KNOW WHAT POST-IMPRESSIONISM IS.
LIKE CEZANNE, OR MORE LIKE ALICE NEEL?
I LOVE ALICE NEEL. YOU KNOW ALICE NEEL?
YOU SHOULDN'T JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS ABOUT PEOPLE.
SO WHAT DO YOU BESIDES BUILD COOKIE CUTTER
CONDOMINIUMS FOR THE MASSES?
I DIDN'T START OUT TO DO THAT.
I ACTUALLY STUDIED ARCHITECTURE.
FOR A WHILE THERE I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA GO OUT ON MY OWN.
WHY DIDN'T YOU?
WELL, IT'S RISKY, AND THERE'S NO MONEY IN IT
UNLESS YOU'RE ESTABLISHED.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT YOUR PARENTS?
WOULDN'T THEY HAVE HELPED YOU GET STARTED?
YEAH, THEY WOULD'VE
IF THEY HAD TWO NICKELS TO RUB TOGETHER.
THEY WERE BOTH SCHOOL TEACHERS.
THEY DIED IN A CAR ACCIDENT WHEN I WAS NINE.
OH...I'M SO SORRY.
BUT YOU SAID YOU GREW UP WELL OFF.
NO, YOU DID.
I LIVED WITH MY GRANDFATHER
IN A ONE-BEDROOM APARTMENT UNTIL I WAS 18.
I WORKED MY WAY THROUGH COLLEGE MOWING LAWNS FOR THE CITY.
THAT MUST'VE BEEN TOUGH.
YOU KNOW, IT ACTUALLY HELPED ME IN CERTAIN WAYS.
I LEARNED AT ANY EARLY AGE THAT WE'RE ALL ON OUR OWN.
WOULD YOU GO, PLEASE?
DON'T RUSH ME.
OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
HA!
HA.
AW, THAT'S TOO BAD.
MAKING A MOVE LIKE THAT MUST BE KILLING YOU.
HEY!
WHY DO YOU KEEP HITTING YOURSELF? [giggling]
SERIOUSLY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TRUDIE, I'M STARTING TO WORRY ABOUT YOU NOW.
OH, MY GOSH, YOU HAVE TO STOP THAT RIGHT NOW.
STOP!
GIVE IT BACK. I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO THAT.
BUT YOU DID IT. IT'S DONE.
IT WAS A MISTAKE.
YOU CAN'T TAKE SOMETHING BACK
ONCE IT'S ALREADY DONE.
EVEN IF YOU REALIZE RIGHT AWAY
IT WAS WRONG AND...YOU'RE SORRY?
FINE.
BUT KNOW THAT YOU'RE A CHEATER.
SUCH A CHEATER.
I'M GONNA GO GET SOME MILK FOR THESE.
IT'S COVERED IN STONES--
OH, OH!
OH, WELL, WE'RE NOT INTO PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION.
RIGHT.
COME ON, DON'T BE SUCH A PRUDE.
YEAH, SORRY. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE.
IT'S MISTLETOE.
[humming Wedding March]
MOM!
I'LL GET THE MILK.
OH, THIS IS IT. THE SCENE OF THE CRIME.
AREN'T YOU GONNA DRAW YOUR GUNS?
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
WELCOME TO TAJ'S DINER DELUXE.
WE HAVE A DELICIOUS HO-HO HOT DOG SPECIAL TODAY.
WE'RE NOT HERE TO EAT.
WE'RE HERE BECAUSE MY BOYFRIEND
WAS KIDNAPPED BY ONE OF YOUR WAITRESSES YESTERDAY.
YEAH, FEMALE, 5'2",
CRAZY HAIR, CRAZY EYES.
YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO FITS THAT DESCRIPTION?
APPARENTLY HE WAS TAKEN AT GUNPOINT.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE SHE MAY HAVE GOTTEN A GUN?
OH, UH, NO, NO.
NO, I DON'T KNOW-- I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.
MOM, ISN'T IT TIME FOR PRESENTS?
OH, IS IT?
IT'S 4:00 P.M. HMM.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
OH, I'M FOLDING YOUR FATHER'S JOCKEY SHORTS.
SOMETIMES I HAVE DREAMS
THAT HUNDREDS OF PAIRS OF UNDERWEAR ENVELOPE ME.
DO YOU EVER HAVE DREAMS LIKE THAT?
NO. MOM, ARE YOU OKAY?
DO YOU KNOW THAT YOUR FATHER'S THE ONLY MAN
I HAVE EVER SLEPT WITH?
HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH MORE THAN ONE MAN?
[exhales] NO.
OF COURSE YOU HAVE.
IT'S THE WAY OF THE MODERN WORLD.
YOU BOINK A WHOLE LOT OF DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
YOU DON'T JUST PICK ONE AND HOPE FOR THE BEST.
WELL, I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S TIME FOR PRESENTS.
COME ON.
OH, HONEY, YOU'RE RIGHT.
YES, OKAY, LET'S GO, GO, GO.
[clock ticking]
NICK, TIME FOR PRESENTS!
GRANDMA. JAKE.
THANK YOU.
HAVE YOU NOTICED ANYTHING STRANGE ABOUT MOM?
LIKE MORE THAN USUAL?
YEAH, I JUST HAD A WEIRD CONVERSATION WITH HER,
AND I THINK SHE MIGHT NOT BE SO HAPPY WITH DAD.
WHAT? THAT'S CRAZY.
SHE USED THE WORD "BOINK."
EW. YEAH.
NICK, FOR YOU. TRUDIE, FOR YOU.
CAN I?
MM-HMM. NICK'S GONNA--
(Richard) IT'S A BACK SCRUBBER!
(Katherine) EXFOLIATION IS THE KEY TO GOOD SKIN.
YEAH, COOL.
(Trudie) WOW, GOOD JOB, MOM.
THANK YOU.
IT JUST LIGHTS UP YOUR FACE.
PINK.
SMILE! [Christmas rock music]
OH, BEAUTIFUL.
ALL RIGHT.
(Richard) GOTTA LOOK THE PART, SON.
GREED IS GOOD.
WOW.
(Katherine) YOUR DAD FOUND THAT.
IT LISTS EVERY LAW FIRM IN AMERICA.
OKAY.
(Katherine) WELL, YOU'RE ALWAYS SAYING
YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH UNDERWEAR.
OH, MY GOSH. THIS IS REALLY HEAVY.
OH, GREAT FOR TIGHTENING SCREWS.
EWW...
(Katie) I PICKED THAT OUT.
OH, TRUDIE, ONE MORE GIFT. IT'S FOR YOU.
WELL, WE JUST THOUGHT THAT--
YEAH.
(Richard) HEY, LOOK, TRUDIE,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THE OTHER DAY
WITH MR. PORTNOY, BUT...
[exhales] I THINK IT'S TIME TO GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE CLOUDS.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU NEED TO GROW UP AND GET FOCUSED
ON A LEGITIMATE CAREER.
YOU'RE UNSETTLED. YOU'RE UNFOCUSED.
YOU NEED TO FIND SOMETHING TO DO REALLY WELL.
BUT I HAVE, I DO. IT'S PAINTING.
I MEAN, IT'S THE ONLY THING I CARE ABOUT.
IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE ME.
THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT
RIGHT NOW.
YOU CAN PAINT, OR DRAW, OR COLOR
IN YOUR SPARE TIME.
I AM TALKING ABOUT YOUR LIFE HERE.
SO AM I!
DON'T YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE?
YES, BUT--
HONEY, WE JUST--WE WERE JUST TRYING TO HELP.
UM, MR. CHANDLER,
IF YOU DON'T MIND ME SAYING, SIR,
I'VE SEEN TRUDIE'S PAINTING.
AND, WELL,
THEY'RE RAW AND EXPRESSIVE.
COMPLEX AND, WELL, A LITTLE STRANGE.
BUT...REALLY BEAUTIFUL.
AND...
I HAVE ONE MORE GIFT FOR HER.
GERTRUDE CHANDLER...
OH!
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
YES.
OH, MY!
OH, MY GOSH!
THIS IS THE BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT
YOU COULD EVER GIVE ME!
I'M SO EXCITED!
OH, I CAN'T WAIT TO START PLANNING THE WEDDING!
SON.
CONGRATULATIONS.
OKAY, UM, NEXT ON THE AGENDA IS DINNER IN THREE HOURS.
SO, UM... [laughter]
I'M SORRY.
EVERYBODY JUST GET CHANGED AND DO WHATEVER.
AND WE'LL MEET BACK IN THE DINNING ROOM AT 7:00.
THAT'S IT!
I DON'T-- THAT WAS...SOMETHING.
WELL, YOU KNOW, I FIGURED
WE MAY AS WELL GIVE THEM ALL THE BELLS AND WHISTLES.
AT LEAST FOR A COUPLE MORE HOURS, RIGHT?
THANK YOU.
I ASSUME YOU MADE UP THE PART ABOUT THE PAINTINGS.
I SAW YOUR ALBUM.
IT WAS STICKING OUT OF YOUR PURSE.
OH, YOU WERE LOOKING IN MY BAG?
WELL, THE KEYS AREN'T THERE.
NO, IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. RELAX.
SO DO YOU JUST CARRY AN ENGAGEMENT RING
IN YOUR POCKET ALL THE TIME?
YEAH.
RIGHT.
WELL, LOOK, I JUST WANT TO SAY I'M SORRY
ABOUT EVERYTHING.
TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,
IT HASN'T BEEN THAT BAD.
WELL, IF YOU CAN JUST HANG IN THERE
THROUGH CHRISTMAS DINNER, I PROMISE I'LL TAKE YOU
WHEREVER YOU WANT TO GO TOMORROW.
HEH!
HEY, MOM, CAN I HELP YOU WITH ANYTHING?
OH, YEAH.
YOU CAN BUNDLE UP AND TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, HONEY.
HEY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE?
I'M JUST ENJOYING A LITTLE DOWN TIME.
HMM, WELL...
[cans and glass rattle]
THAT SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.
HEY. WANT ONE?
YEAH.
SO YOU'RE ENGAGED.
MAN.
I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU, TRUD.
THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW--
I REALLY HOPE THAT HAPPENS FOR ME SOMEDAY.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? IT HAS HAPPENED FOR YOU.
JEN'S GREAT.
YEAH, ABOUT THAT.
UM...
JEN AND I BROKE UP LIKE SIX MONTHS AGO.
SHUT UP.
AND I'VE STARTED SEEING SOMEONE ELSE.
SHUT UP!
AND HIS NAME IS RYAN.
OH, MY GOSH.
WELL, YOU KNOW...
I THINK MAYBE I KNEW.
YEAH, I KNEW.
WHAT? YOU DIDN'T KNOW.
COME ON, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW.
I MEAN, I GUESS I KIND OF KNEW, BUT--
WELL, DOES ANYONE ELSE KNOW?
[exhales]
I THOUGHT I'D TELL EVERYONE AT DINNER.
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
[laughter]
DOLORES!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M GOING TO BACK TO THE CITY
TO GET A DECENT STEAK AND A COGNAC.
YOU CAN'T DRIVE. GIVE ME THE KEYS.
YOU WANT TO COME ALONG FOR THE RIDE, ROSEBUD?
COME ON, LET'S BLOW THIS RINKY DINK LOG CABIN.
[engine starts] DOLORES!
[screaming]
[loud crash]
OH, MY GOD.
GRAMS?
OH, MY GOSH. ARE YOU OKAY, GRANDMA?
DON'T TOUCH ME AND DON'T CALL ME THAT.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
YEAH.
WHAT HAPPENED TO "I'M NOT TRYING TO ESCAPE ANYMORE?"
I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE SURE SHE DIDN'T HURT HERSELF.
WELL, I'M GLAD YOU'RE OKAY.
[rock music playing in background]
I SWEAR TO GOD, MARY HAD BETTER BE GIVING BIRTH
TO BABY JESUS OUTSIDE THE--
OH, JUST AS GOOD. POLICE OFFICERS--
(Steve) COME ON, MRS. CLAUS.
IT'S TIME FOR STEVIE-WEVIE TO OPEN ANOTHER PRESENT.
CUT IT OUT, STEVE! WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
THE OWNER SAID THAT YOU WERE HER BEST FRIEND.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY WENT.
SHE JUST TOOK OFF.
YOU KNOW, WHEN WE CATCH HER,
YOU'LL BE PUT AWAY TOO
FOR ACCESSORY TO KIDNAPPING,
OBSTRUCTING JUSTICE.
IT'S-- IT'S NOT HER FAULT.
IT'S MEN.
THEY DRIVE WOMEN CRAZY.
OH, I'M SORRY. IT'S OKAY.
I, UM, JUST...
NEEDED THE, UH, THE...
TOOTHPASTE.
UH...
HERE YOU GO.
DO YOU--DO YOU NEED TO TAKE A SHOWER?
NO, I'LL WAIT TILL YOU'RE DRY.
DRESSED. DONE.
WHEW! OKAY.
WELL, I SHOULD PROBABLY GO NOW.
PROBABLY.
[exhales]
[knock on door]
I DIDN'T, UH, MEAN TO SCARE YOU OFF BACK THERE.
YOU DIDN'T SCARE ME OFF.
YOU LOOK GREAT.
SO DO YOU.
COME ON, I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.
I'M NOT GIVING YOU A REMATCH RIGHT NOW.
HOLD ON JUST ONE SECOND.
HUH?
OKAY, PUT THESE ON, PLEASE.
IT'S ALMOST DINNERTIME,
AND I'M IN A DRESS, YOU MORON.
PLEASE SHUT UP. SHUT UP?
JUST PUT THESE ON.
FINE.
WHOA.
OH, MY GOSH.
OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID ALL THIS.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL. THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
BUT YOU OWE ME SOMETHING IN RETURN.
WHAT?
A SHOW.
NO WAY. COME ON.
I WANT TO SEE THIS INFAMOUS ROUTINE.
REALLY?
OKAY, BUT IF YOU LAUGH...
[heartfelt music]
♪ ♪
[O Tannenbaum playing in background]
THANK YOU.
[family chattering]
WARM BREAD.
YOUR TIE'S CROOKED.
YOU TIED IT.
IT'S STILL CROOKED.
OH!
MOM? HMM?
AREN'T YOU GONNA MAKE YOUR ANNUAL TOAST?
OH, I'M HUNGRY. LET'S JUST EAT.
UM, EXCUSE ME.
I, UH, I HAVE SOMETHING
I'D LIKE TO SHARE WITH EVERYONE.
ACTUALLY...
I HAVE SOMETHING I'D LIKE TO SAY FIRST.
IT'S ABOUT SCHOOL.
OH.
I'M NOT GOING TO LAW SCHOOL.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
IT'S JUST NOT FOR ME.
I DROPPED OUT LAST SEMESTER.
LAST SEMESTER?
WELL, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING
WITH ALL THE TUITION THAT I'VE BEEN SENDING?
I USED IT AS A DOWN PAYMENT.
DOWN PAYMENT. ON WHAT?
ON A PILATES STUDIO IN CALIFORNIA.
PILATES?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
SOMEBODY TRANSLATE THAT.
DAD, IT'S GREAT.
IT'S A TYPE OF EXERCISE MIXING BALLET TECHNIQUES
WITH YOGA, USED TO STRETCH AND LENGTHEN THE MUSCLES.
MOVING TO THE LAND OF FRUITS AND NUTS.
GONNA LAY AROUND ALL DAY AND STRETCH.
[Katherine laughing]
I THINK IT'S VERY CREATIVE.
KUDOS, KATIE.
THANKS, MOM.
WHAT--WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
OUR DAUGHTER'S JUST MADE A FOOL OUT OF US.
YEAH, YOU DID PUT ONE OVER ON US, DIDN'T YOU?
[Richard laughing nervously]
NO, YOU'RE NOT DROPPING OUT OF SCHOOL.
NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT'S HAPPENING.
I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.
YOU'RE GONNA GET THE MONEY BACK.
AND YOU'RE GONNA RE-ENROLL.
OH, LIGHTEN UP, DICK.
UM, AHEM.
EVERYONE, I, UH, I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING TOO.
I'M GAY.
[spitting]
[laughter]
OH, HONEY, I KNOW!
FOR GOD'S SAKE, KATHERINE, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
HUH? LET ME THINK.
UM, I HATE THE WAY YOU MOAN WHEN YOU CHEW YOUR FOOD.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
[imitating Richard moaning]
IT'S DISGUSTING!
IT MAKES ME WANT TO THROW UP.
AND ALSO I HATE THAT WE NEVER
TALK ABOUT ANYTHING IMPORTANT!
MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE WE ALL LIVE IN YOUR WORLD, KATHERINE.
A WORLD WHERE NOBODY CAN SAY ANYTHING HONEST
BECAUSE IT MIGHT BE UPSETTING!
YOU ARE THE PUPPET MASTER AND I AM YOUR LITTLE CLOWN!
BOO!
STOP IT! GOD, YOU TWO!
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
YOU THINK I'M CONTROLLING?
YOU ARE THE ASS WHO IS FORCING YOUR CHILDREN
TO BECOME MINI VERSIONS OF YOURSELF!
THIS ISN'T MY WORLD.
BECAUSE IF THIS WAS MY WORLD,
I WOULDN'T HAVE TO PICTURE CLINT EASTWOOD
JUST TO GET THROUGH OUR ANNUAL BIRTHDAY SEX!
OH!
AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU'RE GAY?
EVERYBODY FREEZE!
[family shouting]
FREEZE! CALM DOWN, EVERYBODY.
JUST RELAX.
WAIT. WHAT IS GOING ON?
REASON TO BELIEVE THAT WOMAN IS GUILTY OF KIDNAPPING.
THAT CAN'T BE. THAT'S ABSURD.
KIDNAPPING? WHO?
DAVID MARTIN.
WHO'S DAVID MARTIN?
NO, THAT'S HER BOYFRIEND, NICK.
NO, MOM. IT'S NOT.
I'M NOT HER BOYFRIEND.
(Jake) THIS IS GETTING WEIRD.
I DON'T KNOW WHO BROUGHT HOME THE BACON,
BUT I'M GONNA FRY IT UP IN A PAN!
MOTHER, NO!
SOMEBODY HAS TO PROTECT THIS FAMILY,
AND IT LOOKS AS THOUGH IT'S GOT TO BE ME!
MA'AM, PUT THE GUN DOWN.
SHE HAVING A CIVIL WAR FLASHBACK?
SHE'S JUST HAD A LITTLE TOO MUCH EGGNOG.
UM, SHE'S AN ACTRESS.
AND THE GUN IS PROBABLY JUST A PROP.
YOU TAKE THE BIG ONE.
DOLORES.
OH.
OH...
I-I WAS ON BROADWAY ONCE.
I KNOW. [sobbing]
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
[blues-rock music playing]
♪ ♪
♪ YOU WERE THE PRESENT ♪
♪ UNDER MY TREE... ♪
MOM--
KIDNAPPING?
KIDNAPPING?!
MOM, LOOK AT ME.
WHERE DID I GO WRONG?
WAS I NOT GOOD MOTHER?
YEAH, OF COURSE YOU WERE.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
NO, WE WON'T TALK ABOUT IT.
DAD--
NOT NOW, TRUDIE.
POOR SCHMUCK DIDN'T PRESS CHARGES.
[door buzzer]
YOU'RE FREE TO GO.
(Dolores) THANK GOD.
(Katie) BYE.
UH, NOT YOU, GRAMBO.
WHY, OFFICER!
WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?
(female officer) ONE CHANGE PURSE.
ONE CAN OPENER/KEYCHAIN.
COMES IN HANDIER THAN YOU THINK.
ONE--HOLY CRAP! LOOK AT THAT ROCK.
GIRL, YOU HOLD ON TO THAT MAN.
YEAH.
♪ ONE DAY I'LL WALK IN ♪
♪ HAND IN HAND ♪
♪ IN THE SUN AND ♪
♪ YOU AND I ARE TALKING ♪
♪ REALIZE ♪
♪ WE'VE BEGUN... ♪
HI.
HEY.
JUST WANTED TO SAY THANKS FOR NOT PRESSING CHARGES.
I CAN'T SAY I EVER IMAGINED SAYING THAT IN A SENTENCE.
HEH. IS--IS EVERYONE OKAY?
YEAH, THEY'RE FINE.
THEY'RE NOT TOO HAPPY WITH ME RIGHT NOW.
I REALLY DID IT THIS TIME.
I WANTED TO GIVE THIS BACK TO YOU.
THANKS.
LISTEN...
THIS WHOLE SITUATION IS SORT OF CONFUSING.
BUT I WANTED TO SAY--
DAVID, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE, HONEY.
UH, GIVE ME ONE MINUTE, OKAY?
WHO'S THIS?
IS THIS HER?
YOU HAVE SOME NERVE.
LOOK, I WANTED TO APOLOGIZE
AGAIN TO BOTH OF YOU-- SAVE IT.
YOU AND YOUR BAND OF HOOLIGANS
WOULD STILL BE IN JAIL IF IT WERE UP TO ME.
LET'S GO.
I, UH--
DAVID.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
YEAH, YOU TOO.
♪ I AM NOT CRAZY ♪
♪ AND I ♪
♪ I KNOW WHAT WE HAVE KNOWN... ♪
SURE YOU DON'T WANT YOUR OLD JOB BACK?
YOU WANT LUNCH?
SURE.
HERE.
WHAT ABOUT TAJ?
OH, PLEASE.
YOU KNOW, HE'S A SOFTY UNDER ALL THAT BLUSTER.
BESIDES, WE'VE REACHED A NEW STAGE
IN OUR RELATIONSHIP.
OH, WHAT'S THAT? PARTNERS.
THAT'S GREAT!
THANK YOU, YEAH.
SO HOW'S THE REAL JOB SEARCH GOING?
NOT SO GREAT.
APPARENTLY I HAVE NO REAL SKILLS.
MM-HMM.
I DON'T KNOW. MY PARENTS ARE RIGHT.
I HAVE TO BE REALISTIC.
I CAN'T JUST WISH FOR SOMETHING
THAT'S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.
THERE IS NO PERFECT JOB, PERFECT FAMILY...
PERFECT GUY.
SO YOU HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HIM THEN?
NO.
SEE, THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY THOUGHT I HAD FEELINGS
FOR SOME GUY I KIDNAPPED.
I MEAN, WHAT DID I THINK WAS GONNA HAPPEN?
[gasps]
I LIKE THE NUPTIAL SCRIPT.
ALL RIGHT, DONE.
WHERE IS MARIA WITH THE NEXT DRESS?
MARIA, WE HAVE THREE MORE DRESSES TO GO!
WHERE ARE YOU?
DO YOU LIKE THAT FONT?
DAVID!
THE FONT.
UH, AHEM.
I'M SORRY.
I-I NEED SOME AIR.
OH.
HEY.
IT CAN BE A BIT OVERWHELMING IN THERE.
YOU DON'T SAY.
(Jessica) YOU ALL RIGHT?
YEAH. YEAH, I'M FINE.
WELL, WE NEED YOU INSIDE.
OKAY.
UH, JESS, UM...
DO YOU, UH...
EVER HAVE ANY DOUBTS ABOUT US?
WHAT?
WELL, IT'S JUST THAT
YOU COULD BE WITH ANY NUMBER OF GUYS.
WHY ME?
BECAUSE WE MAKE SENSE.
AND WE'RE GONNA LEAD A LIFE THAT MOST PEOPLE DREAM OF.
ALL RIGHT, YOU AND I
ARE GONNA HAVE A FAIRY TALE WEDDING
AND A FAIRY TALE LIFE.
(Mrs. Barber) MARIA!
I HATE MY LIFE.
[cell phone rings]
HELLO.
TRUD, HEY, IT'S ME.
HEY.
HOW'S IT GOING?
OH, I'VE BEEN BETTER.
DID YOU TALK TO MOM AND DAD YET?
NO, I'VE BEEN AVOIDING THEM.
TRUD, YOU SHOULD CALL THEM.
OH, MY GOD, JAKE.
I'M JUST SAYING, YOU KNOW,
BE THE BIGGER PERSON--
NO, NO, NO.
I'VE BEEN ACCEPTED INTO A SHOW AT GALLERY 717.
WOW, THAT'S GREAT.
IT'S A NEW ARTIST EXHIBIT.
THEY WANT A PIECE FROM ME.
TRUD, THAT'S FANTASTIC.
WHEN IS IT?
A WEEK FROM SATURDAY. WILL YOU COME WITH ME, PLEASE?
YES, OF COURSE I WILL.
ARE YOU GONNA TELL MOM AND DAD?
NO, NO, I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT WITH THEM.
I JUST WANT THIS TO BE MY NIGHT, YOU KNOW?
[exhales]
(Jake) TRUD?
I'M SO HAPPY YOU'RE HERE.
I WOULDN'T MISS IT FOR THE WORLD.
SO, UM, THIS IS RYAN.
HI.
JAKE, YOU DIDN'T DO HER JUSTICE.
IT'S SO NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU.
SO LISTEN, I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT THE PIECE,
SO GO OVER AND EAVESDROP FOR ME.
OKAY, OKAY.
BUT LISTEN, UM... THERE IS ONE OTHER THING.
WHAT?
NOW DON'T FREAK OUT,
BUT I, UH, I BROUGHT A FEW MORE PEOPLE WITH ME.
I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANT THEM HERE.
I DON'T HAVE TIME TO DO THIS TONIGHT, OKAY?
I WON'T DO THIS.
JUST FOR ONE NIGHT
I DON'T WANT TO FEEL LIKE THE BLACK SHEEP,
THE WEIRD ONE, THE WRONG ONE, OKAY?
OKAY. WE HEAR YOU.
WHAT?
YOUR FATHER AND I HAVE FOUND
THAT KEEPING OPEN LINES OF HONEST COMMUNICATION
IS THE ONLY WAY TO RESTORE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.
WHAT?
THEY'VE BEEN IN THERAPY.
IT REALLY IS WORKING.
SO...WHAT ELSE, HONEY? JUST LET IT OUT.
I'M TIRED OF TRYING
TO LIVE UP TO YOUR IDEALS, YOU KNOW?
AND I WON'T LIVE MY LIFE TO PLEASE YOU.
I MEAN, SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO I AM.
MM-HMM.
I'M A SLOB.
I MEAN, SOMETIMES IF I LEAVE A DISH IN THE SINK TOO LONG
I JUST THROW IT AWAY
INSTEAD OF WASHING IT.
AND, MOM, I HATE PINK. I HATE IT.
AND I DON'T WANT A JOB
IN COMPUTER SALES, DAD.
YOU KNOW, I'M AN ARTIST. THAT'S WHO I AM.
AND I LOVE YOU GUYS,
BUT IF YOU MAKE ME CHOOSE BETWEEN ME AND YOU,
I CHOOSE ME.
OKAY!
OKAY?
YES, OKAY.
WE HEAR YOU.
OKAY.
YOU KNOW, WE WORRY ABOUT YOU, KIDDO.
WE DON'T WANT YOU TO GET HURT.
WE WANT YOU TO BE SAFE.
I MEAN, IF I COULD, I'D HAVE YOU LIVE
INSIDE OF A PLASTIC BUBBLE.
BUT I WAS TOLD THAT'S A LITTLE TOO IMPRACTICAL.
AND WE NEVER MEANT TO MAKE YOU FEEL
WEIRD OR WRONG.
WE LOVE YOU.
AND WHATEVER YOU WANT, THAT'S WHAT WE WANT FOR YOU.
THANKS, DAD.
OH, COME HERE.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
I LOVE YOU TOO, MOM.
LITTLE SIS.
I LOVE YOUR PAINTINGS. I LOVE--
THE COMPOSITIONS ARE AMAZING.
[patrons chattering]
I'LL BE BACK, I'LL BE BACK.
IT'S GREAT TO MEET YOU.
YOU OKAY, SWEETHEART?
SOMEONE BOUGHT IT.
I KNOW. IT'S WONDERFUL.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
JUST FEELS DIFFERENT THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD.
OH, HOW?
I DON'T KNOW, IT'S JUST--
NICK?
NO, NOT NICK. WELL, MAYBE.
WELL, NO, I MEAN, IT'S NOT NICK, IT'S DAVID.
IT'S STUPID IS WHAT IT IS.
IT IS NOT STUPID.
IF THERE'S ONE THING I KNOW,
IT'S THE CORROSIVE NATURE OF SILENCE
LEADS TO REGRET.
AND IT'LL EAT AWAY AT YOU BIT BY BIT.
LOOK AT YOUR DAD AND ME. IT'S NEVER TOO LATE.
ACTUALLY, IT IS.
HE GOT MARRIED TODAY.
CHEERS.
HEY, HEY!
[struggling]
JUST SO YOU KNOW, I HAVE A BLACK BELT,
AND MY HANDS ARE CONSIDERED LETHAL WEAPONS.
(David) OOH, SCARY.
(Trudie) DAVID? WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
PAYBACK. IT'S A BITCH.
AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE ON YOUR HONEYMOON OR SOMETHING?
OKAY, HOW ABOUT I TAKE THAT BLINDFOLD OFF NOW?
HUH? HOW'D THAT BE?
WOW. WHERE ARE WE?
TRUDIE, YOU ARE...
UNORGANIZED, AND PUSHY,
AND CRAZY.
I KNOW, AND I'M WORKING ON THOSE THINGS.
AND IF YOU'LL JUST LISTEN TO ME--
AND YOU TALK TOO MUCH. OKAY.
I LOST A LOT BECAUSE OF YOU.
BUT I'VE REALIZED
THAT I DON'T WANT ANY OF THOSE THINGS.
WAIT. YOU DON'T?
EVERYTHING I WANT... IS RIGHT HERE.
MARTIN ART AND ARCHITECTURE.
A GALLERY AND A STUDIO.
WOW. IT'S AMAZING.
AND I'VE JUST ACQUIRED MY FIRST PIECE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
THAT'S A FIRST.
I'VE SPENT MY ENTIRE LIFE STRIVING FOR THINGS
THAT I DIDN'T EVEN WANT,
BECAUSE I THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO.
I THOUGHT I HAD SOMETHING TO PROVE.
BUT I DON'T HAVE TO PROVE ANYTHING TO ANYONE ANYMORE.
YOU DON'T?
WELL...
MAYBE ONE MORE THING.
CAN YOU TAKE THESE OFF ME NOW?
(Trudie) THERE MAY BE NO SUCH THING AS A PERFECT JOB,
A PERFECT FAMILY, OR A PERFECT LIFE.
BUT THERE IS SUCH A THING AS A PERFECT MOMENT.
SO I TAKE BACK WHAT I SAID.
DOING ONE CRAZY THING PROBABLY DOES MAKE YOU CRAZY,
BUT IT CAN ALSO MAKE YOU HAPPY.