- So, Richard. - Yeah?
- Your profile picture looked a little different,
I got to say.
- Oh, very good eye.
Good eye, my lady.
Yes, that picture is, in fact, Nathan Fillion
from television's "firefly,"
but everyone's always saying how we're doppelgangers
and we look exactly alike, so I just kind of let it ride.
- People tell you that? - Yeah.
Yeah, my mom.
- Anybody else? - Nope.
- Okay.
- Hi! - Hi.
- How are you two tonight? - Hi.
- Are you the chef? - I am the waitress.
- Very cool.
- Yeah, so what can I get you?
- I'll start? - Sure.
- I am gonna do a white Russian to drink.
You know what?
Let's make it a double.
- Or do you do bottle service? - Not really.
- Okay, well, then I'll take a triple white Russian,
and I'm also gonna do the eggplant Parmesan
but with vodka sauce, if I could.
Maybe an extra shot in there or something.
- Okay, thank you. - And for you?
- I will have the, um...
I'm gonna stick with the water
and I will have two
complimentary bread baskets, please.
Unless you wanted to, uh...
- Oh, no, I'm all set. - Make it three?
- Okay, great. - Be right back.
Both: Whoo!
Jinx.
- Yep.
So I think your profile said
you work in the film industry, right?
- It does say that.
- Yeah. - That's cool.
- Yeah. - That's interesting.
- I work at take two video.
I'm the manager over there. Yeah.
We are actually the last store in the country
that still rents VHS tapes.
- Cool. - And you work with teeth?
- I do.
I am a orthodontist assistant.
- Fascinating, because I actually have
a bit of an issue.
I... I've had this weird thing in my mouth for, like,
18 months for so, and I think it might be a popcorn kernel,
but I haven't been to a movie in, like, years.
- We're gonna do this?
- It feels like a kernel, but it could also be ham.
- It smells like ham. - Yeah.
- It does, right? - Yeah.
- So maybe it's ham.
I ask because if it is ham and it's hardened in there,
at what point does it just become a tooth
and do I start treating it like a tooth?
- Hey, Karen, it's Kate.
Hey.
I am following up about fondue night on the 12th.
My place, 7:00. What do you say?
Oh.
Yeah, don't worry about it.
We will do it another time.
Megan! Hey, it's Kate fields.
Hi.
I saw that you're coming to knitting club on Monday.
Oh, really?
Oh, I thought you said you were attending on Facebook.
That's a bummer.
Hey, I'm just calling to make sure that you and Ellen
actually read the book for this week.
Yeah, no, "great expectations" isn't that great.
Well, it doesn't matter.
You want to just come hang out or something?
Totally get it.
Soon. Yeah.
Totally.
Bye.
Hey! Marco!
Brian! Hey, it's Kate.
Yeah.
Hey, I'm just calling to get a final headcount
for the dinner party next Friday.
No problem.
We'll do it another time.
Okay. Bye.
Okay, but if you guys already have plans, then don't...
- we'll cancel them! - Consider them canceled.
Both: Taco Tuesday, taco Tuesday,
taco Tuesday!
- I don't understand how you just do raw onions.
- They're good for you.
- Oh, hey! - Guys, I was thinking.
For Saturday, what do you guys think about either fondue
or medieval times?
- I can't do fondue, Kate. - I am lactose intolerant.
- Yeah, and I'm theme restaurant intolerant.
- All right, no worries.
Just yelp said they're fun for birthdays, so...
- Mm.
- You bitches forgot my birthday!
- What? - No.
- Yeah!
- Hey, does anybody need a refill?
Or, like, maybe two new best friends?
'Cause we are the worst.
- No, no, no, no. - I, um, I didn't forget.
I was going to surprise you, so you ruined it.
- Evie, what day is my birthday?
- Fri...
- s... Both: Saturday.
- Fri-Saturday?
- I was saying, "for Saturday."
I had something planned for Saturday,
but I should just cancel it now because classic Kate found out.
- Good 'cause it's not a big deal.
- Kate fields.
It's your 30th birthday!
- Yes, and I don't want to make a big deal about it.
- No, let's make a big deal. - Let's have a party!
Yes, please!
Please let us throw you a party.
Please, please, please. It's what I do.
- Mm, no thank you, but if you insist on going out,
I'll break out this bad boy.
Red lobster, baby!
25 big ones,
courtesy of aunt Meryl, who...
- Oh, yeah.
- Is a freak. - Officially.
- Wow.
Well, I'll get excited if there's that
cheesecake factory gift card in here.
- I think there is, but I used it.
- What is this? - It's from Lincoln high.
- I don't know. - They probably want money.
Are we old enough that schools want money from us now?
- I think you are, technically. - Yeah.
- Oh, okay.
That's how it's gonna be.
- Shut the front door!
- Um... - What?
Did I not graduate?
- No, okay, um...
Do you remember in... i think it was sophomore English
when Mr. Robbins had us write letters
to our 30-year-old selves?
- Vaguely.
- Yeah, well, uh, he actually mails them.
- Oh, my god. - Stop it.
No! Evie!
- Don't! - Please read it.
Kate.
- Sit down.
- Okay. - We're really doing this, huh?
- "Dear 30-year-old Kate."
- Oh, wow.
You dot your "I" s with little stars.
That's precious.
- "Hey, Kate.
"Congrats on surviving till 30.
You go, girl!"
- "You go, girl"?
- It was the early 2000s.
And "you go, girl" is timeless. Come on.
- That's debatable.
"You will be a super successful orthodontist
with your own practice."
- Cool. - Teenage me's already 0 for 1.
- "There will be a little one to take care of
or at least a bun in the oven."
- I don't even use my oven.
Literally or metaphorically.
- "You will have the greatest guy in the world.
"He'll be handsome and sweet and funny.
"I have no doubt you will have the most incredible life.
I'll see you then."
- Yeah, that last line was pretty creepy.
- "Enjoy your 30th b-day blowout bash, Kate.
I'm sure it will be a night to remember."
See? Look.
Your 16-year-old self wanted a party, so please.
- Absolutely not.
In fact, I'm gonna go on record right now and say that we're not
doing anything for my birthday, so you guys make other plans.
Oh, there's a p.S.
"P.S. Ashley Driscoll can eat shit."
- Classy. - Oh, Ashley Driscoll.
- You know, on my first day at Lincoln high,
Ashley Driscoll told me my bowl cut looked like
a turtle was sitting on my head,
and then she threw lettuce at me.
- Well, you still have a bowl cut,
but it's an edgier bowl cut.
- There's a bowl cut in my heart.
- She called me a theaturd.
- What is that?
- It's a combination of the word "theater"
and the word "turd."
- Yeah, she was a bitch, but she dated Peter Finch.
Peter Finch was so hot.
Wow.
- Oh, that's my ride.
Did you still want us to drop you off?
- Yeah. - Yeah, I should go.
Todd hates it when I'm late.
- All right. - Well, I'll see you guys later.
- I'll see you this weekend at the party...
Both: Party, party, party, party, party, party.
Yeah, I can't do it.
- That was wet. - Sorry.
So I can throw you a party, right?
- Nope.
- Got it.
- Have fun with the dishes.
- Our gift to you.
- Hey, Kate.
Congrats on surviving till 30.
You go, girl.
You will be a super successful orthodontist
with your own practice.
There will be a little one to take care of
or at least a bun in the oven.
You'll have the greatest guy in the world.
He'll be handsome and sweet and funny.
You will have the most incredible life.
I'll see you then.
- Excuse me.
- Thank you. - My card wasn't working.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I can't let you into the building.
- What?
- I have no proof that you work here.
- No, I have a card.
- But it doesn't work, so could be a fake.
I'm sorry.
- Are you Ashley Driscoll? - Yes.
If you want to schedule an appointment,
you can call my office.
- No, um, it's Kate fields.
From Lincoln high.
Braceface.
- Braceface!
- Oh, my god! - Look at you.
You look, you know, so much older.
- Thanks.
I did not know you worked in the building.
- Yeah.
My real estate business got too big for my old office,
so now I have the whole top floor.
I feel like Oprah.
- Whole floor? - Mm-hmm.
- Cool.
- Anyway, it was good to see you.
- You too.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I still can't let you in the building.
- Are you serious?
- It's building policy.
You have to have a working card.
It opens in 20 minutes though.
Anyway, it was really good to see you.
Don't be a stranger.
Bye!
- So how did the date go?
Kate?
Kate. Hey.
How was your date the other night?
- It's just that usually there's a kid's menu.
- Kate.
- Can't do crunchy stuff 'cause of the ham tooth.
- Yeah. - Ham tooth.
- Sop it down. - Get it soggy.
- Oh, well, that's a... - That's a interesting ring
you have there.
- Oh, very perceptive of you, my lady.
Very good.
Um, on the weekends, I go goth.
- I'm sorry? - On the weekends, I go goth.
- Goth. - Goth.
- Goth? - I go goth.
- People still go goth?
- Oh, yeah. - Really?
- Yeah.
I host a rave in my mom's basement, like,
every second Saturday.
Full goth. Full goth.
Yeah.
I know that Richard may seem to be milquetoast
and boring and plain, but on the weekends,
he hatches into raven.
- Raven.
Raven.
- Raven? - A little more roundness to it.
Should feel like, "raven."
Raven.
- Little bit more bass in there.
- That's as low as I can go. - Okay.
- Is that gonna be a problem for you?
- No.
- Well, because that is my social life,
and a lot of people get intimidated
because it's so cool...
- Oh, god, no. - Great!
Because this is going fabulously, so if you're okay...
- okay, no. - Richard, really quick...
- yeah? - Raven.
- Okay, I'm sorry, raven. - Yeah.
My ex-boyfriend just walked through the door.
- Oh. - Yeah.
- So I'm just gonna excuse myself. - Say no more.
You want to make him really jealous.
- No, that's not at all what I want.
- Coming in to touch the shoulder.
- Nope. - Touch the shoulder.
- Nope. - Permission to touch...
- Nope. - Okay, wow.
Whoa, saucy lady.
Oh, you really want to make him jealous.
It's our anniversary.
Not a big deal.
Hey, listen. Kate?
I think he's gone.
He took her to the patio, so...
- What? - Hi.
- He took her to the patio, so I think you're in the clear.
- He's gone? - Yeah.
- Are you sure? - Whoa.
That was awesome!
Look, so, uh...
I don't feel like I really get along with most people in life.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Wow.
- But the thing is, I do feel like
you and I are on the exact...
Same exact wavelength, so...
Congratulations.
You're getting another date.
- Nope. - That...
You're supposed to ask me if I want another date.
You don't just tell me, you know?
- Mm, my litmus test is like, "what would Nathan Fillion do?"
And would Nathan Fillion ask politely, or would he say...
- you know what?
- I think he would. - Would he?
- Yeah, he seems like a really nice guy.
- Look, I don't know. - I'm just his doppelganger, so...
- uh, debatable.
- Fridays are no good for me
because those are my falconry Fridays
where I play with my falcons.
Saturday is d, d&d Saturday.
The third d, of course, for...
- Drinking? - Domino's.
- Got it.
- Every single Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, however,
until 2019, wide open.
- Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
Thank you, chef.
I like to tell them
it's my birthday for the free cake.
- Gauze.
- Kate. - Hmm?
- Gauze. - Oh.
- You almost choked on your own blood, but don't worry.
We got you.
Sorry.
- Sparkling grape juice just in case there's a miracle
brewing in there.
- Todd, I'm proud of you.
As of today, Todd was promoted to vice president
of paralegal management at Jones and associates.
All right.
- Hear, hear! All: Hear.
- Oh, that's real crystal.
- Mmm. - Mm!
I have an idea.
Why don't we all head up to the mountain house this weekend
to do some celebratory skiing?
- Yes.
Yes, I've been wanting to break out my new Fischer XCS.
Hunter at work is so jealous.
I can't wait to test those puppies out on the powder.
- Babe, it's Kate's birthday this weekend.
- Evie, how often do I get a promotion?
- Every six months. - It's your dad's company.
- Exactly, so just try to be a little bit more considerate.
- So, Evie, how is the fundraising coming along?
You know, for the bald... Llamas?
- Alpacas with alopecia.
- Oh, is... is that a thing?
- Yeah, apparently.
Yeah, I had no idea either, but they called me.
And, actually, I have already raised over half of their goal.
Hear, hear.
- Well, I think it's very important
for housewives to keep their hobbies.
- Oh, it pays.
Because it's my job, so it pays.
- Oh.
- Lay off, mom.
Okay?
If Evie wants to make a little extra spending money,
who am I to stop her?
Even though I've offered.
Male announcer: So grab a friend and make some plans.
Cabins are filling up fast.
Michiana, exit 212.
- Are you ready to get real
about real estate?
- Oh, my god.
- Hi, I'm Ashley Driscoll
and I'm here to make your dreams a reality.
Let's raise the roof
on finding you an ideal home.
You know, lots of realtors think they can help you
find a great house,
but I'm here...
- Throw me a party.
- Seriously? - Yep.
Let's check one thing off that letter.
Throw me a damn party.
- I'll make t-shirts!
- No, no. - Nothing crazy.
Let's keep it super casual.
Evie, do you even have time to throw this so last minute?
Evie?
- Sorry, I blacked out from excitement.
Kate, of course!
I once put together the Alpha sigma tiki mixer in two hours
complete with a full roasted pig.
- All right, well, seriously, keep it very small.
Classy, even,
and Charlie, I'm counting on you to keep Evie in line.
- Never do. - Okay.
Cool.
I will put it in my calendar.
This is gonna be really fun.
- I think I just found us a venue.
- Go team!
Morning, sunshine.
- Mm. - Morning.
- Looks like one of us had some fun last night.
You got a pair of panties in your front pocket.
- Oh, they're my spare pair.
Okay.
We are starting off fixing a snapped wire
on a permanent retainer, then there's an extraction
of Kelly Grossman's back molar.
I know.
Two braces checkups and retainer fitting finale.
What?
You look like the Grinch. What?
- Dan is our first client.
- And? - Well, he's cute.
I think you should invite him to your party.
- I can't invite a patient to my party.
- Why not?
- Uh, because one of us has to keep a level of professionalism
around here.
- Oh, come on.
It's one pair of panties.
These are not my panties.
- So, Dan, are you still a little nervous
when it comes to the dental stuff?
- Oh, no.
I think you're confusing me with somebody else.
- Okay, well, I'm gonna need my arm back to work.
- Oh.
- It's okay. - Okay, Dan.
So it says here that we are giving you
a new front grille that says "ass" and "shaker."
- Oh, no. - I, uh...
- I'm just kidding.
I'm fixing the wire on that broken retainer.
- Right. - Relax.
- All right, I've got good news and bad news for you.
The good news is that this is not gonna hurt at all,
so you don't even need an anesthetic,
but the bad news is that Jules has no medical moral code,
so she's gonna let me gas you up.
- Yeah, let's party.
- All right. - Take a deep breath.
Good.
Thank you.
Yeah, I don't know why I got so nervous there.
I mean, normally I'm extremely macho and tough.
- Mm.
No, but seriously.
I'm not even afraid of spiders.
- Hm. - Wow.
- I mean, snakes, however, they can suck a duck.
- I'm sorry, that was not very chivalrous.
Chivalrous. That's a funny word.
Chivalrous.
- Maybe I should use that nitrous as my plus one
to your birthday.
- I don't know. - I heard he's pretty gassy.
- Oh, you found your audience.
- It's your birthday?
Happy birthday!
- Thank you.
- Oh, you should come to her birthday tomorrow.
- Oh, I would love to!
Wait, how do I get there?
- Do you have a car?
- I do!
I can drive there.
- You are a drug dealer.
- Yeah, I know.
Gassy.
- Evie, let's go!
You can put your face on in the car.
- Oh. - Sorry, guys.
It's work drama.
Hey, Linda.
Just about to roll out for the weekend with the family.
What's up?
Whoa, Linda, I can't understand you when you're talking so fast.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god!
He's gonna be okay, right?
What do you mean you can't find him?
- Oh, I get it. - We're lying.
- Yes!
Of course! I will be right there.
Yes, I will be there in person.
- Yeah, big old lie. - Cool.
- Sounds fun. - Okay.
Oh, my god.
I'm... I'm so sorry, you guys.
I can't go.
Elliot is missing.
- Who's Elliot?
- He's the face of the alopecia campaign.
- So he's a llama?
- No, Todd, he's an alpaca.
Look, I am so sorry.
I was really looking forward to going cross-country skiing
with the skis and the knees.
- It's okay, honey.
I'll just cancel the private lesson
I set up for you with the bronze medalist.
Let me just make sure I can cancel his flight from Norway.
Airlines are so great to deal with.
I knew this was gonna happen.
I just had the sense that she would...
- are you seriously not gonna come?
- Work needs me.
- What? - What is that?
- It's just I want a wife who will celebrate my victories
with me, but instead I have one who's running all over town
looking for a loose llama.
- Alpaca.
- Sh-paca.
Just give me a kiss so my parents don't think
that we're fighting.
Behave yourself.
No, no, no, no.
Those jell-o shots, they go in the kitchen.
And the kegs, they go in the man cave.
And that... that liquor luge, just wherever it fits!
- Hi.
- Oh.
Hello.
Are you selling girl scout cookies?
- No, I bring in the mail for the Jones
when they're out of town, so...
- Oh, cool. - Cool.
Well, I'm their son's wife, Evie.
Nice to meet you.
I'm gonna be staying here this weekend.
- Cool.
- Yeah, just throwing a little get together for a friend.
30-year-old birthday party.
You wouldn't know anything about that, right?
- You're what, college? - High... high school.
- High school. - High school.
- Mm-hmm.
Cool. Well, it's very low-key.
You know, small.
Nothing that the Jones would need to know
or be worried about, so...
- Cool.
- Okay, you can invite two friends
if you don't say anything about it.
- I don't know if I'd have two friends...
- five. - Five friends, but that's it.
And it doesn't leave this house. You got it?
- What just happened?
- Exactly.
Yes.
- Do you still want me to...
- yes, thank you. - Right there is great.
And can I get six jell-o shots upstairs please?
Just orange.
- I stayed up all night doing these.
- Yeah, I know.
That's why I'm paying you time and a half.
- Rufus, what the hell?
- "Partee tyme."
- I'm, like, 70% sure that's not how you spell "party" or "time."
- Okay, I just thought, like, "hey, who wants to wear a shirt
that's spelled correctly," you know?
We live in the digital age.
Spelling is, like, subjective.
You know?
Okay, I did these last night
after a guidance counselors show.
I was super drunk.
- Dude, can't keep messing up like this.
I mean, remember last week
with the all saints softball shirts you ruined?
I changed my band name to the all taints.
We sold out!
- I know, it's an awesome shirt, but that's not the point.
You know, this business, this is my passion.
I just need to know that, like, you're in my corner.
- I am in your corner.
Any corner. Pick a corner.
I'm in that corner.
- It's in three hours! - Are you kidding me?
Ugh, fine.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
I know that Kate wanted some classy stuff,
so I ordered one of those naked Sushi girls for the party.
- I'm still waiting on the classy part.
- But she canceled just now.
Ah. Hi.
- Hey, lady.
I'm headed your way.
- On your way? It's, like, 6:00.
What are you, in seventh grade?
- Well, I don't know. - I thought I could help.
- What? - No, no, no, no, no, no.
We have everything under control.
- Okay, well, I'm gonna grab a coffee.
Do you want me to pick anything up?
- I don't know. - Milk?
- You didn't get milk for my white Russian?
- I forgot to put that on the catering list.
- Caterers?
Evie, this is supposed to be small.
- It's gonna be! - Very small.
Small food, small drinks, small caterers.
This party is gonna be so small that you'll hardly see it.
- Okay, well, I'm headed over.
- Great!
Okay, people, double time!
Red eagle lands in one hour!
- Looking good, ash.
- Hey.
Could you get me something to eat?
- Yeah, of course.
- What do you want? - Great.
Let me get a cup of coffee and then barbecue lay's,
and then, like, a apple, and then something savory,
but you can choose.
- Anything else?
- Two crullers, a pack of cigars,
maybe, like, a king size whatchamacallit bar,
some gummy bears, and then...
Get yourself something.
That's stupid.
Oh, my god.
It's actually happening!
- What's happening?
Hey, what the heck are you doing with a picture of my girlfriend
on your computer?
- Mom!
- Oh, widdle baby wants to talk to his mom.
Tough luck 'cause she just left
to buy me some more push-up pops.
What is the deal with this party?
My invite must've got lost in the mail.
- It's an email, so...
- I don't think mom would approve of you
going to a party with alcohol, would she?
Unless, of course, you brought your big brother as a chaperone.
- Fine. - Perfect.
Pick me up at 8:00? Great.
- You... you live here.
- All right, you just keep doing that, buddy.
- Oh, yeah. - Mm.
Yo, kiss me back. Kiss me back.
- There she is! - The birthday girl!
- Give me your purse. - Hi!
Um, Evie, I think I said small and tasteful.
- Kate, small and tasteful is how you describe an Olsen twin,
not an awesome b-day blowout bash.
- Who are all these people?
- Oh, my god, Rufus.
The sign too?
- What is happening, you crazy idiots?
Next song, "pumpkin goats"!
- Okay, so I tried to get you one of those naked girls
that's covered in sashimi, but she canceled!
- Thank god.
- So I improvised!
- A crotch covered in mini pizzas.
You shouldn't have, Evie.
- She really shouldn't have.
- Here we have Rufus wearing the season's hottest snacks.
Perfect for an Autumn wedding
or to stuff our faces with later when we're drunk.
- Did you get in trouble at the shop again?
- It was worth it. - Happy birthday.
- Thank you!
- Oh, let me show you the kitchen!
- Okay. - Bye.
Excuse me.
- Do you have any Rihanna?
- No!
- Beyoncé?
- No!
Baha men?
- Oh, "who let the dogs out"!
No! No, no.
I hold them in the kennel and then I play beats!
- And the kitchen! - Oh, wow.
- What's going on here? - Take that cake!
- It's funnel caking.
You funnel a beer and then you eat cake.
Kate, you got to get out more.
- Apparently. - Happy birthday, Kate!
- Oh, hey, Claire!
- In honor of me finally not being the only one
in the 30s club, I'd like to propose a toast.
To Evie for organizing one hell of a party.
- Thank you. - I did.
- And to Charlie for having friends
that I don't have to pretend to like.
- Yep. - And to Kate.
- Well, thank you. - Cheers!
- Down the hatch.
- Ah!
- Whoo!
- Okay, now let's go see who can funnel a cake the fastest.
- After Kate goes first!
- I'm terrified. - Yes!
- Great! - When aren't you?
Let's go! Peer pressure.
Peer pressure!
- Pace yourself, show off.
I know you're excited, but I don't want
competitive Charlie coming out.
Whenever she shows up, it always means a horrible night for me.
- I am pacing myself.
- Promise? - Yeah.
Whoa! You wore it?
- Oh, relax. - No one's gonna notice it.
I couldn't bring myself to take it off.
This thing is amazing.
- I know. - It is amazing.
- Can we afford it? - Hmm?
- What, financially? - No.
But we can afford to be happy.
No?
Okay.
Could you go check on Rufus for me?
- Oh, sure. - He might be cold.
- Yeah. - You chill with your friends.
- Okay. - Okay?
Bye.
- Oh. - Hide it!
- Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate!
Whoo!
Yeah!
- Oh. - Oh, my god!
- That is terrible.
- Okay, you guys, remember how we were reminiscing
about the glory days?
- Hold on. - When were our glory days?
- High school.
- Okay, if high school were our glory days,
just take me out back and do an old yeller.
- Very cute.
No, I thought it would be really fun to invite some of the people
that we went to high school with tonight.
So I got a yes from Leslie marks...
- Oh.
- And from Kelly Evans, and I got a maybe from...
Are you ready for this?
- Ben Jenkins. - Ben Jenkins?
Why would you invite an ex from high school?
- What? - We're all adults.
Get real.
Look, I just think it's really fun
to see some of the people from our past,
something I hope that you...
- What? - Guess who.
- Um... someone who recently ate ham?
- Ah!
- Oh! - Jesus.
Peter Finch!
Look at you.
- Yeah, Evie found me on Facebook.
Made sure I got an invite.
- Thanks, Evie. - You're welcome.
- So, uh, what have you been up to the past decade?
- All sorts of different stuff.
Watching football, fantasy football,
been coaching some football over in Jefferson county,
but I just moved back because... Hold onto your panties...
I'm the new sports director at Lincoln high!
Thank you for the warning.
My panties could've been all...
- Did she just skeet shoot her panties?
- I did indeed. - Straight up.
You were always so smart.
I'm sure you're doing all sorts of cool things with your life.
- Um, you know, lots of cool things.
Keeping really busy.
- Hey, I got a quick question
about that sports director thing.
Um, who makes the uniforms for Lincoln high?
Uhh...
I think that's Eastside trophy & print.
- Got it.
- Straight up, Kate, you look fine.
You haven't changed a bit since high school.
- Thank you.
Peter...
You look good too.
- Hell yeah.
- Okay, I'm gonna go clean up the funnel cake mess, so...
- Yeah, go do that.
- So glad you're here! - It's so good to see you!
- Peace, girl.
- So, I'm...
- straight up. - Evie?
You look fine.
You haven't changed a bit since high school.
Did you go to Lincoln high?
- Yeah, I was a grade under you.
- I don't think so.
I'd remember if you were ever under me.
- Okay.
I'm gonna go get Kate some new panties.
- Yeah, sounds good. - Peace, girl.
- Straight up. - Panties.
- Hell yeah.
- Hey, buddy.
- Hi.
What you doing?
Sitting here all by yourself being overly dramatic?
Just waiting for us to come find you?
- Took you ten minutes.
New record, slowpokes.
- Yikes.
Sorry.
She mad.
- No! - I'm not mad.
I swear, I'm not mad.
Even though this is exactly what I did not ask for.
- That is debatable.
- But really... - And I can't believe
I'm about to say this to you guys...
I can't stop thinking about that letter.
- Oh, my god.
- Not one thing on that damn letter came true.
- Uh? - Except for this party.
- Yes, thank you.
And, okay, who cares about that stupid letter?
I'm pretty sure that mine said
I was gonna marry Justin Timberlake
and be Oscar nominated by now.
Do you see me practicing my acceptance speech?
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.
- Like, all the time.
Like, in the car. When you're hanging out.
When you think you're alone for even a second.
- Great. - Good.
It's a great speech.
- Okay, I'm bringing this back to me for a sec.
- Mm-hmm. - I don't know.
That letter was just, like, "hey, Kate!
"Your job is super lame and your fun is just organized clubs,
"and one day you're gonna get happy hour
"with your two best friends
"and your two friends are gonna order club soda
"and you're gonna realize they're pregnant,
"and they're gonna have kids and they're not gonna have time
"for taco Tuesday, and you're just gonna be this,
"like, weird, sad, lonely, cat-lady aunt
that sends them over-sexualized birthday cards."
- Kate, that is ridiculous.
- I know it is
'cause I hate cats.
Yeah.
And I'm not gonna compromise this body with pregnancy.
- Okay, first of all, can we stop saying the p word?
I'm pretty sure that my mother-in-law's been slipping
prenatal vitamins into my Pinot Grigio.
- That is scary.
- Mm-hmm. - I know.
But second of all, you're just...
You're in a rut, Kate.
You have all of these little routines
and these little schedules and you just...
You never let loose.
Look at you.
You're dressed like a substitute teacher
for your 30th birthday party.
- Okay, excuse me, this is faux leather.
Pleather?
- And substitutes are fun!
- Okay. - How dare you.
- But you need to let loose. - Yeah.
- So tonight, let loose!
- Yeah, party time. - Yeah.
- "Partee tyme." - "Partee tyme."
- What is the deal with these shirts?
I don't understand them at all.
- It... it's a Rufus thing.
- But it doesn't matter because if anyone asks,
it's our inside joke.
- Perfect.
- I kind of love that. - Yes, you do!
- Party time on three.
- One. Both: Two, three!
- This is so stupid.
All: Party time!
- Yeah, whoo! - Here's yours.
- Oh, it's my color. - Yeah.
You thought you were gonna look cute tonight.
- No way. - Nope.
- That's what friends are for. - Mm-hmm.
- It'll look great with leather.
- Watch it.
Rebecca! You made it!
- Hi! - Hi!
Oh. Oh, okay.
Kate, you remember Rebecca from Lincoln?
- Yeah, I think we had art together for a few semesters.
- How you doing? - Good.
- Okay.
- Ooh, man. - Poor thing.
You know, her entire Instagram feed is just covered in photos
of her five kids in matching outfits.
You know, tonight might actually be the first night
that she's been out of her house since Lincoln.
- Well, maybe she is super happy.
- Kate.
Her newborn wears headbands.
That woman is bored to death.
Oh, my god. Tommy Hughes is here.
I am pretty sure that I gave him an h.J.
On the opening night of "pippin."
I should...
- god, you know, it always shocked me how much ass
you theater kids got.
- Oh, yeah, I mean, second only to youth church groups.
- Yeah, I'm gonna... I'll meet you guys in there, okay?
Hi!
- Hi! - Hey!
- Yes. - Yeah, friends hug.
- Yeah, let's do it.
I am surprised to see you.
- Was that a throw-away invite?
- No, I'm saying I'm surprised in a good way.
- Cool. - Yeah.
- Why don't you have a drink in your hand?
- Guilty. - Ooh, problem.
Well, I'm gonna go get myself and you a drink.
Beer or wine?
- A white Russian? - No way.
- They're delicious!
- That's my favorite drink.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Get out of here.
- Well, i... i should let you go do your birthday host thing,
so I will make you a drink and then come find you.
- That is a perfect plan.
- Okay. - Welcome to my party.
- Thank you for making me feel welcome.
- You're welcome for feeling welcome.
- Thank you. - This could go all night.
- Bye-bye.
- Listen. - Yes.
- If we get separated tonight... - Uh-huh.
- Can... can you just keep it that way?
- Now, look, we can stay out as late as you want, okay?
As long as you do me one favor.
Don't embarrass me.
Hi. I'm raven.
- There's somebody under there, dude.
- Don't mind me.
- Who did this to you?
- Are you the victim of a snack avalanche?
- Uh, nope.
This is just my job tonight.
- Uh...
So your job is to be a plate?
- No.
I am a plate.
There was acid in that baba ghanoush you just ate.
This is a hallucination.
Oooh.
- Oh, boy!
I hope your necks are made of ice cream cones
because this next track is gonna make your faces melt!
- I'm gonna have to see some ID, young man.
- I... i... i...
Just screwing with you.
Can I have a sip?
What is that, Glenfiddich or Glenmorangie 25?
Apple juice. You trying to kill me?
- Excuse me.
- How old are you?
- Hi.
- Hey!
Thanks for inviting us.
- Us? - Yo!
What's up, Timmy?
- Um, it's Oliver. - Yeah, that's what I said.
Dude, you know where I can get a drink around here
for me and my boys?
- Um, the bar, I guess.
- Cool. - Kins, some Tequila?
Eh?
- I'm good. - Just water.
- Lame.
Excuse me. Coming through.
Beep, beep. Watch your feet.
All: 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14!
- 14 seconds. - That's not bad.
- It's not bad. - Not bad?
Let's see what you got.
- Ex-squeeze me.
Oh, no, no, no.
I don't do yoga four days a week to need a lift.
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
- You have a very lovely spread,
but do you have any Sauerkraut?
Pretzels?
Weiner schnitzel?
- Yeah, you might want to nix the wiener talk
with my current state.
- Fine. - Taquitos it is.
- Who's Manning the booth?
- The boo... - Oh, Scheisse!
- It was nice catching up, Rebecca!
- Wow! - Wow!
Didn't recognize me in my weekend look, did you?
I just wanted to say hi.
I know that it's your birthday and you probably don't want
your rad new boyfriend hanging on you all night.
- Uh, Richard?
- Raven. - Raven.
Raven.
Really try and drop it down.
It should be from your diaphragm.
- Raven, you're not my boyfriend.
We went on one date, and I army crawled away from you.
- Yeah, yeah. - No, I know.
And it's... your upper body strength is one of the things
I love most about you.
- Okay. - Okay, great.
- Anyway, boyfriend, future boyfriend,
whatever you want to call it, my dear.
Raven will be around.
Permission to touch thy shoulders.
- Not permissed. - Raven understands.
Raven apologizes.
I look to... oh. Sorry.
Raven is sorry.
Raven is sorry about that as well.
Okay.
That guy just spent 20 minutes trying to sell me a VCR.
- Did you buy it?
- Well, I wasn't gonna, but then he threw in
all ten season of "friends," so...
Nice.
Thank you.
- Yeah.
Ooh.
- Yeah, you... - are you okay?
- Maybe take these drinks outside?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- War zone.
- I'll be out there in, like, two... two minutes.
Hey, Evie?
This is gonna sound nuts, but did you invite raven
to this party?
- Raven-symoné?
Yeah, of course I did, but she never tweeted back.
- I'm sorry. - It's okay.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - Where did you get this?
- Mantle.
- This is a 1700s Norwegian ski that a king
did something for.
You know what? Let's just do this.
- I've never met anyone else who will make a white Russian
at a party.
- Oh, see, what I do is I rationalize all the vodka
I'm drinking because the milk is good for my teeth.
- Ah. - Yeah.
What's your excuse?
I went through a "big lebowski" phase.
- Yikes.
- Yeah, there's way too many photos of me wearing a robe
in public from that time, but I can bowl a 230,
so there's that.
- I am impressed.
- I'm the one who's impressed.
I mean, don't take this the wrong way...
- oh, that is such a good way to start a sentence.
- I guess I just didn't... - I didn't think that somebody
who owns scrubs with cartoon teeth
wearing cowboy hats on them would have such a Rager.
- So what do you do?
Are you, like, a lumberjack or something?
- Was that a flannel joke?
You know, flannels are in.
- Apparently.
- I wish I did something as manly as lumberjacking.
I'm in website design.
- Oh, cool.
So you're a nerd.
- Um...
Uh, so how does one fall into...
- the glamorous life of an orthodontist assistant?
Well, first, you get made fun of for your braces in high school.
- Oh, I had to wear an eye patch in kindergarten
to correct a lazy eye.
In reality, I looked like a pirate
and everybody in my class thought it was awesome.
- Cool brag, I guess.
- Yeah, I don't know why I shared that.
I think I was trying to relate.
- Um, no, so I actually went to school, dental school,
to be an orthodontist, but I don't know.
I just freaked out when they wanted me to pull a tooth.
It's really scary.
Gave me the heebie-jeebies.
- The heebie-jeebies?
Ma'am, is this your 90th birthday?
- Okay, how dare you.
The heebie-jeebies is a thing.
People say that I think.
- No, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't make fun of somebody who knows
I wear an adult retainer.
You have the power.
- Cannot wait to abuse it.
- Well, I cannot wait to be abused.
- Okay, what are we even talking about?
- Push up! Push up! - Push up!
- What did we miss?
- Competitive Charlie is back and she's out of control.
- Really?
Claire, this is Dan. Dan, Claire.
- I am responsible for all of that.
- Whoo!
All right, all right.
Round three will commence in this room in 15 minutes.
- Okay.
- What happened to our pinky promise?
- Oh, Claire bear, everything is under control.
- Hey, Charlie, do you want me to leave the ice
in the kiddie pool or unload it for the sumo challenge?
- Leave it in the kiddie pool.
- Just trust me. - Take it easy.
I don't want to be a widow before we even get married.
- Oh, but you look so good in black.
- Yeah.
- Ready to go?
- Can I play?
- Yeah, yeah. - Totally, totally.
- Yeah?
- Uh, where's Derrick?
- Uh, having a pissing contest.
- Is he still trying to out push up that short lady?
- No, he's literally outside having a pissing contest
with his friends.
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah.
- Um, do you know how to play?
- Yeah. - Um...
Uh...
So the horse can, like, gallop to the other side, right?
Like boom.
- Not... not traditionally.
I mean, we can... we can play by different rules or something.
There's other forms of chess, I think, so...
Just...
- I was... - I...
Totally kidding.
Just kidding.
- Oh. - Wow.
- Check mate.
- And now I have eight cats.
- Seriously? - No!
- Kate! - Kate, you have to come see this.
We started doing body shots, and this one girl's belly button
can hold, like, eight ounces.
- That is gross. - I know.
- Uh, Evie, this is Dan. - Dan, Evie.
She threw me the birthday party.
- Congrats. - Thank you.
- This is just like parties in high school.
- Thank you.
- Or at least how I imagined them to be
as I sat at home and played "Oregon trail."
Yes.
Alerting children of the dangers of dysentery.
- I was more of a typhoid guy myself.
- You know what?
I can see that about you.
- Whoa. - Major flirt alert.
Don't want to get hurt.
- Uh... - Eject.
- You know, I'm gonna go take that body shot.
Do you want to watch this disaster?
- I'm good.
Body shots give me the heebie-jeebies.
- See what you did there.
You're clever.
- Well, it was for your benefit.
- Something got you down, sad clown?
- Look at that.
My girlfriend flirting with some other guy right in front of me.
She bossed me then tossed me.
- Shocking.
The guy in all black is depressed about something.
- Ha-ha. - That's hilarious.
- Lucky for you, clichés are one of my things.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate!
Kate! Kate! Kate!
- And now I'm gonna go brush my teeth.
- Yeah! - No offense.
I'm sorry, were you wearing wool earlier today?
- Totally. - Okay, me next!
Me next!
- Ah, I'll take this one.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the one that got away.
The Sandra Dee to my Danny Zuko.
- Well, I'll be damned.
Ben Jenkins.
Mm!
- It's good. - Okay.
- Yeah.
So look at you. You haven't aged a bit.
- Same for you, except you are super ripped now.
- I'm just trying to make an ex jealous.
- An ex? - Oh.
Bravo.
- So where have you been hiding these days?
I don't know.
I'm here and there and, um...
Just give me a second, Ben.
Don't leave.
- You are like a girl. - You're so pretty.
- Hi!
How are you? Great.
You know what?
I don't remember inviting you, Ashley.
- Oh, that's funny.
I don't remember the fountain being full of puke
when I sold this house to frank and Nancy.
You know what?
Let me just text Nancy really quick to see if...
- you know what?
Please, come in.
Make yourself at home.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Ooh, jell-o shots. - All right.
You know, I am starving.
Mm.
- It is. - That is awesome.
- How's it going? - Excuse me.
- How you doing?
- Hey, girls! - Hey, Kate!
Hey, come here for one second.
- Just one quick second. - Is everything okay?
- I am calling an official meeting.
- Are we the baby-sitters club now?
- No.
Oh, but if we were, I would totally be
Caucasian Claudia Kishi.
- You know, I see you as more of a dawn.
- Okay, guys. - Hey, sorry.
Can we move this on?
I'm, like, really in the middle of something.
- Okay, um, Ashley's here.
Both: Ashley Driscoll?
- Yeah, and I asked her to leave, but apparently she knows
Todd's parents, and... But then I thought about
your letter and the p.S.
This is a perfect opportunity to cross something off
of that stupid letter.
- Yeah, we could make her eat shit.
- Actually, I'm not really thinking about
the letter anymore, guys.
- What do you mean you're not really thinking about
the letter anymore?
Like, two hours ago you were gonna have that letter
tattooed on your thigh.
Ooh, by the way, if anyone wants to get tattoos tonight,
I am so game!
- No. You know that guy Dan I was talking to?
- Yeah, the guy in the flannel?
- I think I like him.
He's cute, right?
- Yeah.
- I would let him wear me like a bonnet.
- I like a boy.
And the best part is I think he likes me too.
- That's even better, really.
- I'm having fun tonight.
- You should be!
- Can you guys guess what I'm doing?
- I have no idea.
- I'm Kate
climbing out of her rut.
- Yeah, but see, that's also how you dance.
That's why it's confusing.
- Oh, we should do shots to celebrate.
- I will rain check because I'm gonna pace myself tonight.
Gonna see how things go with Dan.
- Hey, uh, do you guys know the birthday girl, Kate?
- Of course.
What, do you think we were, like, just riding by
on our razor scooters and were like,
"hey, there's a party, let's go in there"?
- Yeah, and then we accidentally ate some Mediterranean
eggplant dip that had acid in it so now we feel trapped here?
- Okay.
Well, when she comes back down here,
can you let her know that Dan ran out to grab more milk?
I'll be back in, like, ten minutes.
- Sure, man. - No problem.
- Was that a human we were talking to?
- Girl, you look fine.
You haven't changed a bit since high school.
- I'd rather die.
Are there any more jell-o sho...
Who put a banister here?
This should be an open-floor concept, you Jack holes!
- You... you aren't thinking of driving, are you?
- I live six blocks away.
- Okay, that's a relief.
- Of course I'm driving.
Stupid.
- Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is that a magic 8 ball keychain?
- Yes.
It tells me when I should have sex.
Do you want to have sex?
- How about this:
I drive your car home for you
and then I just walk back here.
I've had one drink and there's no way I can let you drive.
- Fine, but on one condition:
You got to take me to the quick pick
and get me some nachos.
- I was going there anyway.
- Good. - I don't have any money.
I want 32 jalapenos.
I want an ounce of nacho cheese.
No more.
- You know what? - I will take that shot.
- Do you mind if we sped this up a little bit?
I kind of want to get back to the party.
- Well, now you've gone and distracted me.
I added too many jalapenos.
Got to start over.
- Ladies! - Ladies and gentlemen!
Men and gentle ladies!
In our tie-breaking round,
we will test a match of endurance.
Peter and I will be lifting these empty kegs
above our heads
for as long as we can.
- Yeah!
- First person to break loses.
Peter!
Are you ready?
- You're going down.
- Three, two, one!
- Oh, it's super easy for me.
Oh, yes!
Eat it, mouse girl.
I am the greatest!
You guys, you guys. You heard it here first, folks.
Peter won.
He's, like, way stronger than me.
- What? - No!
- Yeah. - Who knew?
- I'm gonna head home.
Can you let Charlie know that she should go ahead
and crash here tonight?
- No problem.
Can you scratch my right cheek?
- Okay.
- I need to talk to you.
- Holy shit.
- I met someone.
- That's amazing.
- Yeah, well, but you guys... - You actually have a history
with him.
Oh, god.
Okay, it all started because raven was really upset
about your breakup, and...
- Raven and I didn't break... - Yeah.
- Okay.
- And... but he's gonna be okay.
He just... he needs to lick his wounds,
and I really need to lick his face.
- Jules,
I'm happy for you.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Are you sure? - 'Cause i...
- go forth and cage that bird.
- I mean, 'cause, like, girl COD...
Like, I'm gonna cage it hard, so I just want to make sure that,
like, it's cool.
Like, probably hard.
Not, like, prison hard, but, like...
- I really don't need details about it though.
- Okay. - Please leave.
- Thank you. - Okay, thank you.
Oh my... oh, yes.
- Guess what this is.
- Stop it.
- Little Evie dogs, junior year, singing an original love song
to yours truly.
You don't happen to have a dusty compact disc player
around here, do you?
- In my car.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
- This is normal.
I would do this sober.
Not weird.
Just a grown woman in a China cabinet
calling a dude.
Okay.
One more.
If he answers, cool.
If he doesn't, screw him.
- Hello? - Hi!
Luke! It is Kate.
- Kate, is everything okay?
It's, like, one in the morning.
- Oh, yeah.
I'm actually better than okay
because I just turned 30.
It's my 30th birthday.
Or it was till, like, an hour ago.
- Hey, happy birthday.
Sorry, it's just... It's late here.
- Oh, did I wake up... - Did I wake up the baby?
You have a baby!
Wow!
- I have a baby.
- That is a weird sentence to say.
Is it, like, crawling yet or teething?
They cry, like, so much, I hear.
- Hey, what's up? - Are you okay?
It's...
- oh, you know what?
I'm sorry, I just wanted...
I wanted to ask you one question.
- Yeah, okay.
- Just, like, one super-quick question.
Is that okay?
- Ah, okay. - Yeah, what's up?
- My question is...
Why wasn't it me?
- What?
- Like, all right, we dated for four years,
and then we break up, and it's, like, boom.
Now you're married with a kid, and I'm just wondering,
you know, why I wasn't that person.
- Uh, well, if you remember, Kate,
you broke up with me.
- Yeah, no, I know. - I know.
I was just wondering...
- and I don't know if things have changed
in the last couple years, but when we were together,
you weren't exactly into marriage so much.
- That was... - why do you say that?
- Okay, well, the night at the restaurant
when I was gonna propose to you, you ran out like crazy
when I was reaching for my wallet.
- I know.
I thought... i thought you were reaching for a ring.
- I know you did.
And that's why I didn't... That's why I never asked you.
Well, that and because you broke up with me, like, a week later.
- Yeah, I know. - I mean, I know that.
I just, uh...
I didn't know that you knew that.
- But it's fine, right?
Everything worked out like it was supposed to.
I know we haven't... We haven't talked in a while.
You okay?
- Yeah, of course.
Of course.
And, um, hey,
I want you to know that I'm really happy for you.
I just... i need you to know that.
I really, really am happy for you.
- Thanks, Kate.
Stay out of trouble.
- Was that my voicemail?
- Oh, my god. - I figured.
There's something I got to tell you,
which is... Oh, geez.
She's taking this really hard.
She must be craving the raven.
- Oh, my god.
Did I just say that my love is deeper than the ocean...
- Smoother than lotion.
It's a beautiful line.
Evie, I can't tell you how excited I was
when I saw that invitation in my Inbox.
- Yeah, it's really nice to see everyone.
- Sort of validated the whole divorce, all the drama.
- Excuse me? - What?
- Oh, Evie,
I've always known that we're supposed to be together.
Even when I was married.
We're soul mates.
You're the Sandy to my Danny.
- That was a high school play.
- I just can't believe it's happening now, you know?
Ah, she was so pissed when I got the tattoo.
- Tattoo?
- Oh.
- Oh! - Wow!
- That's me! - Yeah.
That's your first headshot.
- That's my first headshot.
- First headshot, yeah.
- Yeah, it is.
- It's like you're resting your head on my chest.
- Okay.
It's there. You know what?
Um, Ben, I'm actually gonna go check on the party,
which is just about over, so you should probably go.
- Evie, we're meant to be.
Or...
Not to be.
- Uh-oh.
- That is the question.
- Oh, no.
- "Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings
"and arrows of outrageous fortune
"or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
and by opposing end them."
- Okay, I'm gonna go, Ben. - Drive safe.
- "To sleep.
To"...
"to sleep.
"Ay, there's the rub!
For in that sleep of death, what dream"...
- wow.
So, hey, how you holding up?
- "Partee tyme."
- Thanks for doing this, dude.
I mean, like, this is really awesome.
- Yeah. - Not always a total screw-up.
- Wow, you, like, really sucked down there, didn't you?
- Excuse me, I'm a grown woman.
I'm not here to take insults from, like,
a 17-year-old high schooler.
- Okay, first of all, I'm 191/2,
and second of all, good for you.
I thought you were, like, some loser freshman I didn't know.
Anyways, have you seen that brunette hot girl
you were hanging out with?
She was... she was super hot.
- I think you mean my girlfriend?
- Wait, that's your girlfriend? - Yeah.
- Oh, wow, because if I had one hour with her...
No, no, not even.
If I had just, like, ten minutes with her, I'd be like,
"ooh, girl, you so naughty."
And I'd be like, "ooh, what's up, Mamí?"
And then I'd be like, "mm, Mamí, mm.
Give it to me. Give it to me."
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you were a Falafel.
- What is going on?
- Oh, you're so dead, dude.
Oh, my god.
I just hit a kid.
- He's 191/2, remember?
- I just knocked out a teenager.
- Okay, that's it! - That's it!
Cut the music! Cut the music!
I need all of the children to leave this party!
Do you hear me?
If you're in high school and/or too young
to know who vanilla ice is, you have 30 seconds
to get out of this party!
My carpet!
Who did this?
- This has Ashley Driscoll's name written all over it.
- I don't think we can just assume that Ashley did it.
- No, literally.
It says so right here on the coozy.
- You know what?
Ashley Driscoll can eat shit.
- Homeless or hipster?
- What?
- I said homeless or hipster?
- Oh.
Yeah, totally hipster.
You know, I think he's in that band the guidance counselors.
- Mm.
Thank you.
- You know, you guys, I'm so glad we splurged on two-ply.
- I am having the best time
while simultaneously feeling pretty bad
about being so wasteful.
- This is so cathartic.
- Yeah.
We're queens of the night!
- Screw you, Ashley Driscoll!
- I hate my husband!
- Whoa, dude.
- That's a little dramatic, Evie,
even for you.
- It's true.
I hate him.
I hate his clothes.
I hate his narcissism.
I hate his family.
Oh, my god!
His family.
I don't want to go cross-country skiing.
What I do want is a divorce.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Yes!
- Well, thank god 'cause we think he sucks.
- Yeah, it's, like, the only thing we talk about
behind your back.
- Really?
- Yeah! - He's the worst!
- Oh, my god! - Oh, my god.
- Wait, you guys.
As long as we're putting it out there,
I got something I need to say too.
- Okay.
- I'm gay.
- I hate you. - You're the worst.
- I hate you.
- What? - You guys just always guessed.
- Come in.
- It's kind of hard making it up those stairs
with my eyes closed, obviously.
Can I open them?
- Open them, sad clown.
Holy crap.
- I want to bathe you.
- You're the strangest woman I've ever met.
I think I love you.
Is that okay?
- Holy crap!
Okay, let me just... God dang it.
The thing is with... these boots are very difficult to take off.
Goth lifestyle is worth it for the fashion,
but it's definitely time consuming.
Crap!
Come on!
Get off!
God, it's like a snow boot.
Jesus Christ!
God damn it!
It's just, like, the force doesn't work
'cause then it chokes me.
I'll leave it on.
Stay right there, you sweet ViXen.
- Just drop it off.
- God damn it. - I'm sorry.
Get it off! Come on!
Jesus!
Oh, god.
- Hurry up. - Oh, yeah!
Oh, oh, wait a minute.
Didn't take in the choker into account.
Denise is not gonna be pleased if this gets scratched.
- Who's Denise?
- Denise works at hot topic in the mall.
Right next to the, uh... Do you know Denise?
- Hey, Kate!
Are you ready for your birthday baby dance?
- Please do not do that.
I'm gonna pee my pants. I have to pee so bad.
- Just do it!
- What, just pee in the yard?
- Yeah, dude! - Why not?
- Okay. - Yeah.
I'm gonna... I'm just gonna go.
- Is, uh, your house the white one with the columns?
- Mm-hmm.
- With the round hedges and the maple trees?
- Mm-hmm.
- That are currently covered in toilet paper?
- Mm-hmm.
What the what?
- I'm doing it!
- Wow!
- I'm peeing.
And I am really hydrated.
Good for me.
Hi.
- Hey!
You little bitches get yoursel... oh, my god.
It's turtle head and theaturd.
- Okay, you can't talk to them like that, Ashley.
- Oh, I'm sorry. - Who's gonna stop me?
- Me.
Kate.
Braceface.
Braceface?
So what is up, ladies?
Oh, is this some sad little revenge plan that I ruined?
Oh, you must feel like such a...
- oh, no!
- Oh, my god. - She just ate shit.
- Is she dead?
- We got to hide the body.
- Good-bye, bench girl.
Oh, god!
- Oh, that is bad!
That is really bad.
- Is it bad?
- Oh, mm. - Yep.
Your left lateral incisor's completely cracked.
- Is that bad?
- Well, it's irreparable damage,
which means immediate tooth extraction.
- Ew, what does that mean?
- It means this sucker's coming out right now.
What?
- She said that she needs to pull your tooth out!
Do you understand?
- Yes, theaturd!
I'm not having a stroke!
- Okay, we'll talk about the nickname later.
- Okay, um, I need some gauze or, like,
grab some toilet paper, and I need some pliers.
- Oh, there might be a toolkit in the trunk.
- You know what?
You're a toolkit in the trunk, Dan.
- What? - Actually, yes, please.
Can you go look? That'd be great.
- Thank you. - Okay.
- Hurry! - And I need the vodka.
- Why? - 'Cause I need the vodka.
- Okay. - Please!
- Here. - Thank you.
- Oh. - Oh, my god.
- Yeah. - Oh!
Awesome! Yes!
- Oh, my god, my teeth... - So much.
- All right.
Let's do this.
- Wait! - Do you know what you're doing?
- I sure hope so.
I did it!
- I did it!
I did it!
Whoa!
- I didn't do it. - Freeze!
Step away from the Asian girl!
Dispatch, I think we have a hate crime in progress.
My sister, are you okay?
- Thanks so much for the ride.
- No problem.
Thanks so much for kicking my ass in chess.
You're really good.
- Yeah, right.
Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah.
- I hope you don't take it the wrong way, but...
Why do you go out with Derrick?
Sorry. I shouldn't have said anything.
- No.
No, I ask myself that question all the time.
I don't know.
He's the quarterback.
I'm the cheerleader.
It's what nature wants.
But I get what you're saying.
I shouldn't be dating someone
that I don't really connect with.
- Um...
He... he's probably wondering where you are.
I don't know if you want to go in,
give him a call or something.
Maybe that would, you know...
- I love this song.
- Do you guys have anyone I can call for you?
A lawyer? Anything?
- Okay, don't pretend to be a nice guy, Dan.
Yeah, we had a connection, and yeah,
it's probably the liquor talking that's making me say this,
but we probably could've been something, and you blew it!
- You blew it! - But...
- yeah, you blew it!
- Hi. - Yeah, you totally blew it.
- Oh, um, hey, you... - You work for Charlie, right?
Where can I find her girlfriend?
- Uh, Claire left. - What?
- Yeah, she wasn't too stoked about Charlie hulking out
back there, so she left.
She told me to let Charlie know, but I haven't seen her.
- Uh, that's 'cause she got arrested.
- Oh, god! - Oh, hey, Dan.
Hey, how's the retainer?
- It's good. - It's really tight.
Thank you.
I was just wondering if you knew
where Charlie's girlfriend, Claire, is.
- Uh, no.
- What about Evie?
Does... does she have a boyfriend I could call?
- She doesn't have a boyfriend. - She's married.
- Really? - Yeah.
Yeah, her husband is, like, some lawyer dude named Todd.
- I am gonna get this dipped in gold and put it on a chain
- you know, for a minute there, I really thought you were gonna
go in and get a second one.
It would've made amazing earrings.
- Oh. - I should've done it.
- Yeah. - But you did it.
You finally... you pulled a tooth.
Now you can be, like, a full orthodontist.
- Yeah, are you gonna go back to school?
- You know what?
No.
- Really? - Yeah!
I like my job.
It's low pressure,
and I have fun with Jules,
and I like it.
I'm not scared to do more. I just like it.
You know what else?
I... i like my organized fun.
Like, I don't need to go out to have a good time.
You know what I think I do?
I put all this pressure on myself because I just assume
that other people expect me to be more or to want more
'cause I'm, like, an assistant who's a homebody,
but I love it!
- Amen. - Get it.
- I want to be the weird aunt.
- I do. - Whoa.
This got serious.
- Yeah, and speaking of serious...
Sorry, are you done with your speech?
- Yeah, I am. - Thank you.
- Unnecessary. - Got it.
Speaking of serious, I'm gonna be in serious trouble
with Claire if we end up spending the night here.
- No, you won't because Claire is cool.
- Yeah, she is cool.
She's a cool fiancée.
What?
- Seriously? - Yeah.
- Oh, my god! - What?
That's amazing!
- Wait, why didn't you tell us?
- I don't know.
'Cause you guys are, like, having nervous breakdowns
or whatever.
- Congratulations.
- Yeah, thank you, but I really need to guys
to act surprised when Claire and I tell you together.
- I'm an actress.
- Okay. - Got it.
- Also, I can throw you an engagement party.
- Oh, my god.
No thank you.
Kinsey.
Hi.
- Hi.
We must've fallen asleep when we were talking.
- Yeah, I g... - Yeah.
- Um... - That was really fun.
- It was. - Last night was really fun.
Um...
It's fine. I'm, uh...
I'm gonna talk to him.
It's fine.
- Hey, Kinsey.
If we don't talk again at school, or ever again,
for that matter, I just want to let you know
that I really like you
and the reason I invited you is because...
- Oliver. - Oliver.
- Yeah?
- I'm gonna handle this.
But, yeah, just message me later.
- Okay. - Okay?
- All right. - Okay.
Okay.
- Wake up, ladies!
I got good news and I got bad news.
- We will take the good news please.
- I didn't ask for your preference.
The bad news is you're probably gonna get
community service for trespassing.
- That's not that bad.
- And public urination.
The good news is your lawyer's here.
He's gonna get you out of here.
- Our lawyer?
- Todd Jones.
- Let's do this.
- Thank you.
- Hi, Todd. - Mm-mm.
- Okay.
- Evie, what did you do?
- I'm fine, Todd.
Thank you for asking.
Why aren't you in vail?
- Well, some guy named Dan calls me,
tells me that you've been arrested,
so I take the first flight back.
I... i can't believe this.
Do you have any idea how bad this makes me look?
- And that's what you're concerned about.
- Okay. - Yes, Evie.
Well, I'm a lawyer, so I can't be bailing people out of jail.
- I spent the night in the drunk tank.
- I don't ask for a lot.
I let you do your little work stuff.
I let you hang out with those two idiots.
But at the end of the day,
I'm the one who takes care of you.
- What if I don't need someone to take care of me?
What if I can take care of myself?
- Whoa! - Oh, god.
You know, prison is not comfortable.
- Hi!
She gave me a weird look.
God.
- My girlfriend's a criminal!
- Gonna give you a minute.
- Yeah, thanks.
- I am so sorry about last night.
- You're a god damn maniac.
- True.
But for good reason.
- Peter Finch, athletic director at Lincoln high school?
- I told Peter that if I made him look like
a total badass at the party last night,
that he'd have to give me the entire uniform account
of Lincoln high.
Huh? It's not bad.
- You stink real bad.
- I was in prison. - Oh.
- I learned all sorts of shit. - Oh.
- Hi.
- Hey, there.
- So just so you know, I drove Ashley home
so she wouldn't drive drunk.
- Yeah, no, you do not have to explain yourself.
I got crazy last night.
- A little crazy is when a bachelorette party
hires a stripper.
- Oh.
- You ripped a tooth out of a woman's jaw.
- Yeah, I did that.
- Yeah, you did.
- Didn't know I was such a badass.
- Uh, no, I did not know that.
- Can I give you a ride?
- Actually, do you want to grab some breakfast?
- Are you asking me on a date?
- Are you scared?
- Evie, can you just relax?
- Nope.
- No, are... you're seriously gonna do this?
- Yes. - Hey, guys, can I grab a ride?
- Oh, all right. - Well, sounds good then.
You just... you take a few nights to cool off.
I'll stay with my parents.
- Wait. - Where are your parents?
- I dropped them off on my way here.
- Oh, are you guys the butlers?
Oh, we'll have two full English breakfasts please,
and I'll take my bacon nice and crispy.
And did you want to add something?
- Scotch. - Just a scotch for her.
- Dear 30-year-old Kate,
when this reaches you on your birthday,
you'll have the greatest guy in the world.
Oh, thank you.
He'll be handsome and sweet and funny.
How's the sangria?
- It's nice.
- Yeah? - Just your type of sangria.
- It's so strong, by the way.
You'll be a super successful orthodontist
with your own practice.
You go, girl!
I got it dipped in gold.
- Oh, my god. - You really did it.
- I know. - It looks awesome, right?
Of course, there's gonna be a little one to take care of
or at least a bun in the oven.
- Hi. - Hello.
- 30-year-old self, I have no doubt
that you'll have the most incredible life.
- Kate? - Kate.
- I'll see you... - Kate.
- Hmm? - Hi.
Did you hear what we said?
- What?
- We're engaged.
Oh, my god!
- So unexpected! - Wow.
Yeah.
- Wow. - Big news.
- You told them.
- I swear to god I didn't...
Except for that one time in jail.
- Yeah.
- I promise you, it's news to me.
- Can I be a bridesmaid?
- You already are.
- For which one?
- Uh...
- Well, congratulations!
- Thanks. - Cheers.
All: Cheers.
- To love lasting forever.
- Sorry.
- 30-year-old self,
I have no doubt
that you'll have the most incredible life.
I'll see you there.
- "P.S. Ashley Driscoll can eat shit."