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Wechat: RFBET99 Whatsapp: +66944386003 7 00:00:47,767 --> 00:00:49,567 Thank you. 8 00:00:54,167 --> 00:00:59,500 Thank you for Your conditioned response. 9 00:00:59,500 --> 00:01:04,200 How nice to be here in San Francisco, California! 10 00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:07,500 [applause and applause] 11 00:01:07,500 --> 00:01:10,300 And very good from the audience to rest 12 00:01:10,300 --> 00:01:13,067 than they need demonstrations per hour 13 00:01:13,067 --> 00:01:15,067 to come to a comedy show. 14 00:01:15,067 --> 00:01:18,067 San Francisco, a city 15 00:01:18,067 --> 00:01:20,833 technology and charity 16 00:01:20,833 --> 00:01:22,300 and equality, a city 17 00:01:22,300 --> 00:01:25,067 the mascot must be C-3PO, 18 00:01:25,067 --> 00:01:26,433 a shiny gay robot 19 00:01:26,433 --> 00:01:28,967 who just wants to help people. 20 00:01:28,967 --> 00:01:32,900 [applause and applause] 21 00:01:37,967 --> 00:01:40,733 A city filled with hemp shoes 22 00:01:40,733 --> 00:01:43,967 and hipster food trucks. 23 00:01:43,967 --> 00:01:45,433 Hey, at 2:00 a.m. 24 00:01:45,433 --> 00:01:49,300 Let's go some Vietnamese shrimp donuts 25 00:01:49,300 --> 00:01:53,167 or what about Gothic barbecue, 26 00:01:53,167 --> 00:01:55,067 where all the meat is dark, 27 00:01:55,067 --> 00:01:57,333 and the chicken pieces themselves. 28 00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:08,100 The show will be good, people are happy, 29 00:02:08,100 --> 00:02:10,067 everyone has fun, 30 00:02:10,067 --> 00:02:11,933 and then Chris Hardwick starting from the shooting location 31 00:02:11,933 --> 00:02:13,933 by saying something strange and inappropriate, 32 00:02:13,933 --> 00:02:15,600 like, "have you ever thought about 33 00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:18,433 how do all your mothers have semen on them at some point? 34 00:02:33,133 --> 00:02:34,333 This is the fun part. 35 00:02:34,333 --> 00:02:36,067 How many people come with their mothers? 36 00:02:36,067 --> 00:02:38,067 Yay! Whee. 37 00:02:38,067 --> 00:02:39,733 Fun time. 38 00:02:39,733 --> 00:02:41,067 They are there. 39 00:02:41,067 --> 00:02:45,067 Oh, don't make eye contact. 40 00:02:45,067 --> 00:02:48,667 * Awkward driving home 41 00:02:48,667 --> 00:02:50,067 This is not strange. Some of them enter 42 00:02:50,067 --> 00:02:52,333 Good, you are here Some of them enter 43 00:02:52,333 --> 00:02:53,933 Good for you. 44 00:02:53,933 --> 00:02:57,567 You start as a winner. [chuckles] 45 00:02:57,567 --> 00:03:00,067 Strange right? 46 00:03:00,067 --> 00:03:01,833 You don't want to talk about sex with your parents. 47 00:03:01,833 --> 00:03:03,600 You don't want to talk about it. I can know from your body language 48 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:06,067 You don't want to talk about sex with your parents. 49 00:03:06,067 --> 00:03:08,767 It's weird, and then you don't, 50 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:13,300 Like, you are ready to have children. 51 00:03:13,300 --> 00:03:15,067 Like, you are married, 52 00:03:15,067 --> 00:03:16,933 and then they will talk about it like that it's nothing 53 00:03:16,933 --> 00:03:19,067 Right? Your in-laws will be like, 54 00:03:19,067 --> 00:03:21,367 "Tell me, when will you leave? Give us some grandchildren?" 55 00:03:21,367 --> 00:03:24,067 And they might also say, "Tell me, when will you start 56 00:03:24,067 --> 00:03:28,100 finish in our daughter?" 57 00:03:28,100 --> 00:03:31,767 "Uh, well, 58 00:03:31,767 --> 00:03:36,700 " You know, I thought I would finish on his face for a while, 59 00:03:36,700 --> 00:03:41,100 "And I don't know, just take it some time to get married, 60 00:03:41,100 --> 00:03:42,700 " Be a partner, go to Europe. 61 00:03:42,700 --> 00:03:46,400 "I'll finish it on his back in front of the Parthenon, 62 00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:48,700 " and then when I feel really calm, 63 00:03:48,700 --> 00:03:51,300 "and I feel like my career is all in place, 64 00:03:51,300 --> 00:03:53,067 "I will fire my DNA inside him, 65 00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:56,567 so he can defecate bad cup for you." 66 00:04:02,333 --> 00:04:03,533 I remember this time 67 00:04:03,533 --> 00:04:04,867 I found out where the baby came from I remember the right time I found 68 00:04:04,867 --> 00:04:06,433 where baby comes from I am four years old 69 00:04:06,433 --> 00:04:08,700 I was behind from my parents' car My father is driving. This is driving. 70 00:04:08,700 --> 00:04:10,500 This is not how I found it. 71 00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:13,267 Come on. 72 00:04:13,267 --> 00:04:17,100 My father is driving, Mother is in the passenger seat, 73 00:04:17,100 --> 00:04:19,133 and I just that existential crisis 74 00:04:19,133 --> 00:04:21,067 that little child has, you know, first time 75 00:04:21,067 --> 00:04:23,733 76 00:04:23,733 --> 00:04:25,733 77 00:04:25,733 --> 00:04:28,333 You become aware, like, I'm not before, 78 00:04:28,333 --> 00:04:31,300 and now me, so I say, 79 00:04:31,300 --> 00:04:33,100 "Where's the baby coming from?" 80 00:04:33,100 --> 00:04:36,767 My father likes, "I will do this one. 81 00:04:36,767 --> 00:04:39,733 " Well, men have a penis, and women have a vagina, 82 00:04:39,733 --> 00:04:41,733 "and a man puts his penis in the vagina, 83 00:04:41,733 --> 00:04:44,367 and a few moments later, the baby comes out." 84 00:04:44,367 --> 00:04:47,933 And I'm like, "Alright. 85 00:04:47,933 --> 00:04:51,267 " Follow-up questions. 86 00:04:51,267 --> 00:04:54,800 How far in the way The man put his penis? " 87 00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:59,800 And my mother left, " I will do this. " 88 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:04,533 Slowly he turns around, looks sideways at my father 89 00:05:04,533 --> 00:05:05,967 He goes, "Not too far away." 90 00:05:13,367 --> 00:05:17,067 So they divorce. 91 00:05:17,067 --> 00:05:19,800 What do you say to your children? If you are a fetishist, right? 92 00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:22,433 What if you are a fetishist? What do you say to your children? 93 00:05:22,433 --> 00:05:23,567 And by the way, there's nothing wrong 94 00:05:23,567 --> 00:05:25,067 by being a fetishist, right 95 00:05:25,067 --> 00:05:26,433 There is nothing wrong if you have a fetish 96 00:05:26,433 --> 00:05:27,900 It's not like you planned it. 97 00:05:27,900 --> 00:05:30,067 You know, fetishes are just strange land mines that you tripped later on, 98 00:05:30,067 --> 00:05:31,900 and you are like, "Oh, I guess That's what I like now." 99 00:05:31,900 --> 00:05:33,567 100 00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:35,800 Like, you don't know where it comes from Something happened when you were young 101 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:37,167 Nobody tells you. It's not like 102 00:05:37,167 --> 00:05:39,067 Your parents take you aside and go, "Remember that harness 103 00:05:39,067 --> 00:05:41,067 " We use you when you are learn how to walk? 104 00:05:41,067 --> 00:05:43,067 That will come back later. " 105 00:05:43,067 --> 00:05:45,100 I just imagine, like, a fetishist who tells their child. 106 00:05:51,700 --> 00:05:54,300 " Where is the baby from? He is dressed like a bear and eats honey from his buttocks. " 107 00:05:54,300 --> 00:05:55,933 " Does he always have to chain his feet to the tree? " 108 00:05:55,933 --> 00:05:59,067 109 00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:02,833 110 00:06:09,933 --> 00:06:12,067 111 00:06:12,067 --> 00:06:14,233 "You won't be here if not." 112 00:06:19,333 --> 00:06:20,633 Speaking of which, I don't know 113 00:06:20,633 --> 00:06:21,700 if eating honey out of the ass is something. 114 00:06:21,700 --> 00:06:23,067 I'm afraid of Google. 115 00:06:23,067 --> 00:06:26,200 I am afraid. I don't know 116 00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:29,967 First of all, NSA tracks all that information 117 00:06:29,967 --> 00:06:32,400 I don't want it in a database somewhere, 118 00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:36,833 and second, I have this strange, That irrational fear is the moment 119 00:06:36,833 --> 00:06:38,833 I Google something is really horrible, like, 120 00:06:38,833 --> 00:06:40,100 something terrible will happen to me, 121 00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:42,267 like, "eat honey out from the butt." 122 00:06:42,267 --> 00:06:43,400 My heart, dead Then-- 123 00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:47,067 And then someone like, 124 00:06:47,067 --> 00:06:49,467 "Oh my God. Oh God." 125 00:06:52,067 --> 00:06:55,067 And Hollywood Reporter like, hosts 'Talking Dead' 126 00:06:55,067 --> 00:06:58,567 "and clear cubby hunter Chris Hardwick 127 00:06:58,567 --> 00:07:00,400 " died of overenthusiasm 128 00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:03,133 "he feels from seeing with legal pornography. 129 00:07:03,133 --> 00:07:04,933 LOLOLOL." 130 00:07:09,067 --> 00:07:10,567 Fetishists - That is one of the reasons 131 00:07:10,567 --> 00:07:12,600 why I have that very respect for nurses. 132 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:14,067 [cheering] 133 00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:16,400 Nurses do a lot of things community - do you nurse? 134 00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:19,100 Are you a nurse? Nurse, nurse? 135 00:07:19,100 --> 00:07:21,900 Nurses really deserve it more respect than they get. 136 00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:23,667 Regular day in the life of a nurse 137 00:07:23,667 --> 00:07:25,167 will be the worst damn day 138 00:07:25,167 --> 00:07:27,900 your whole life with the items they see, 139 00:07:27,900 --> 00:07:29,433 and I feel I don't get credit for that, 140 00:07:29,433 --> 00:07:31,100 Right, because doctors get a lot of credit 141 00:07:31,100 --> 00:07:32,933 A doctor, you know, like something happens, 142 00:07:32,933 --> 00:07:35,067 a doctor explodes, "I'm a doctor. 143 00:07:35,067 --> 00:07:36,767 " I'm here to solve it all problems 144 00:07:36,767 --> 00:07:38,733 "I have a wall full of diplomas. I make a lot of money. 145 00:07:38,733 --> 00:07:40,133 I have a square jaw." 146 00:07:40,133 --> 00:07:41,433 "Say, the person's eyes are nonsense. 147 00:07:41,433 --> 00:07:43,200 " Nurse, come here. 148 00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:44,700 "Use a diaper the man's face 149 00:07:44,700 --> 00:07:45,700 " I will go to love Another nurse 150 00:07:45,700 --> 00:07:49,433 on a pile of opiates. " 151 00:07:49,433 --> 00:07:51,933 The nurse has to clean it 152 00:07:51,933 --> 00:07:54,900 Fetish people - like, for example, 153 00:07:54,900 --> 00:07:59,233 whenever you meet a nurse - Where are the nurses out there? 154 00:07:59,233 --> 00:08:00,667 What is the craziest Have you ever pulled it 155 00:08:00,667 --> 00:08:01,900 from someone's butt? 156 00:08:01,900 --> 00:08:03,700 - Sweep stick. - broom, good 157 00:08:03,700 --> 00:08:08,100 Good. Do you hear how calm and the answer is measured? 158 00:08:08,100 --> 00:08:11,267 "Broomstick," nothing what. 159 00:08:11,267 --> 00:08:12,967 I always ask when I meet a nurse, like-- 160 00:08:12,967 --> 00:08:14,733 Like, I was doing a show a few weeks ago. 161 00:08:14,733 --> 00:08:16,233 What's the most crazy 162 00:08:16,233 --> 00:08:17,667 Have you ever pulled from someone's butt? 163 00:08:17,667 --> 00:08:18,767 And this woman leaves, "Light bulb." 164 00:08:18,767 --> 00:08:21,067 Light bulbs Bolam. 165 00:08:21,067 --> 00:08:22,467 What do you say to someone? 166 00:08:22,467 --> 00:08:24,400 When you pull the light bulb out of their butt? 167 00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:28,333 I have an idea. 168 00:08:28,333 --> 00:08:30,700 Don't put a light bulb on your butt 169 00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:35,900 You must be very careful. 170 00:08:35,900 --> 00:08:37,433 You have to be very-- If you play a donkey, 171 00:08:37,433 --> 00:08:38,867 it's okay, right 172 00:08:38,867 --> 00:08:40,200 You want to put items in your butt Good. 173 00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:42,400 But you only need to be careful, 174 00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:43,400 very careful 175 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:44,767 because at some point 176 00:08:44,767 --> 00:08:46,600 in the insertion process, 177 00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:48,433 butthole mu become very greedy 178 00:08:48,433 --> 00:08:51,467 and suddenly, mine, then leave. 179 00:08:51,467 --> 00:08:53,333 Mine. Mine. 180 00:08:56,667 --> 00:08:58,700 Like seagulls. "Mine." 181 00:09:01,367 --> 00:09:03,533 And then some poor nurses managed to get it to get there and be like, 182 00:09:03,533 --> 00:09:05,867 "Nemo!" And bad luck. 183 00:09:13,900 --> 00:09:15,667 I'm doing a show in New York, 184 00:09:15,667 --> 00:09:17,233 and nurses come in all shapes and sizes. 185 00:09:17,233 --> 00:09:18,500 There is a man in the front row, 186 00:09:18,500 --> 00:09:20,133 full-on biker-looking dude, 187 00:09:20,133 --> 00:09:21,900 like, "Children of Anarchy" leather vests, 188 00:09:21,900 --> 00:09:24,167 tatted up, big old beard. 189 00:09:24,167 --> 00:09:27,267 I go, "What are you doing?" He said, "I am a nurse." 190 00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:29,333 So, because I'm a stupid comedian, I go, "What's the craziest? 191 00:09:29,333 --> 00:09:30,567 things you've done come out of someone's ass?" 192 00:09:30,567 --> 00:09:32,733 And he left, "my fist." 193 00:09:40,167 --> 00:09:43,167 But then he doesn't laugh to show that he's kidding. 194 00:09:47,233 --> 00:09:48,967 I don't have strange fetishes. 195 00:09:48,967 --> 00:09:50,400 I think I'm lucky I don't have a fetish. 196 00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:51,667 I just, like - it's just, 197 00:09:51,667 --> 00:09:53,067 like, normal, old in 198 00:09:53,067 --> 00:09:54,400 To win. Like, I'm good. 199 00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:56,433 As I don't need to cheat my penis 200 00:09:56,433 --> 00:09:58,667 enter something. 201 00:09:58,667 --> 00:10:01,667 I just - like it, sex is good, and I'm fine with that 202 00:10:01,667 --> 00:10:04,967 But I - survive. 203 00:10:07,567 --> 00:10:10,833 I dated a girl who convinced me to buy 204 00:10:10,833 --> 00:10:13,933 these Japanese animal pajamas, 205 00:10:13,933 --> 00:10:18,267 it's full on - don't you damn judge me 206 00:10:18,267 --> 00:10:20,500 Listen, listen, here it is what do you understand 207 00:10:20,500 --> 00:10:22,167 I am a color blind relationship. 208 00:10:22,167 --> 00:10:25,433 All I see is a green flag, so... 209 00:10:27,900 --> 00:10:29,600 He is like, "We have to do it dress up like an animal." 210 00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:30,633 I'm like, "Alright." 211 00:10:30,633 --> 00:10:32,800 So we bought these items. 212 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:35,000 They are called kigurumi. They're Japanese animal pajamas. 213 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:36,967 People use it for the anime convention, okay, 214 00:10:36,967 --> 00:10:38,833 and it's full-on, like, 215 00:10:38,833 --> 00:10:42,933 like, full-on footy, tail, animal head, 216 00:10:42,933 --> 00:10:45,533 full on pajama-type types, 217 00:10:45,533 --> 00:10:47,300 And by the way, we're not fucking furries 218 00:10:47,300 --> 00:10:50,000 Like, I want to make it clear. We are not furries. 219 00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:51,233 We are fleecies, okay? 220 00:10:51,233 --> 00:10:54,267 We are fleecies. It's not sexual. 221 00:10:54,267 --> 00:10:56,333 We just want to feel comfortable overnight, all right 222 00:10:56,333 --> 00:10:57,800 So you go out, 223 00:10:57,800 --> 00:10:59,233 and they make all kinds of animals, 224 00:10:59,233 --> 00:11:00,767 and you choose your favorite, right 225 00:11:00,767 --> 00:11:01,900 You are tied to one. 226 00:11:01,900 --> 00:11:03,800 You are bound with your spirit animal, 227 00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:05,467 and he chose a yellow fox 228 00:11:05,467 --> 00:11:08,300 because it's cunning and wild and wise, 229 00:11:08,300 --> 00:11:12,067 and I choose purple wolf because of Prince. 230 00:11:12,067 --> 00:11:14,567 I don't know why That is the last one, 231 00:11:14,567 --> 00:11:16,133 so I bought it. 232 00:11:16,133 --> 00:11:18,500 We bring it home, and I am very begrudgingly, 233 00:11:18,500 --> 00:11:20,733 like, put this in, like, "What am I doing?" 234 00:11:20,733 --> 00:11:23,100 And I understand, and that, like, 235 00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:25,300 biggest bad feelings all my life 236 00:11:25,300 --> 00:11:26,867 It's like your whole body 237 00:11:26,867 --> 00:11:29,867 hug, hugged with this animal's pajamas, 238 00:11:29,867 --> 00:11:31,067 and now I begin to discuss it. 239 00:11:31,067 --> 00:11:33,233 I'm like, "This isn't too bad. 240 00:11:33,233 --> 00:11:34,567 I can use -" And I trample like 241 00:11:34,567 --> 00:11:37,400 "Where are Wild Things Are," like, "Yay. 242 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:39,600 " There are no parents. 243 00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:42,833 I am over 40 years old. " 244 00:11:42,833 --> 00:11:44,467 Like, I can wear animal pajamas if I want 245 00:11:44,467 --> 00:11:46,767 That's no big deal. I'm an adult 246 00:11:46,767 --> 00:11:48,267 I get my own money. Damn it 247 00:11:48,267 --> 00:11:50,367 Hey, maybe I'll buy it bed race cars 248 00:11:50,367 --> 00:11:53,300 It's also not strange. I can buy a race car bed. 249 00:11:53,300 --> 00:11:54,733 I will prove it is not strange. 250 00:11:54,733 --> 00:11:56,067 Woman, you will make love a man in a car 251 00:11:56,067 --> 00:11:58,833 Good, the car is parked in my room, 252 00:11:58,833 --> 00:12:02,233 and have a mattress in it. 253 00:12:02,233 --> 00:12:06,267 So come out of my dream and get into my car 254 00:12:06,267 --> 00:12:10,067 Be a pause for Mr. William Ocean. 255 00:12:10,067 --> 00:12:12,400 [applause and applause] 256 00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:15,500 You millennial pesky don't now about Billy Ocean! 257 00:12:18,667 --> 00:12:20,467 * Queen of the Caribbean 258 00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:26,533 So, you know, we get this, super fun 259 00:12:26,533 --> 00:12:28,200 We order food. That will be delivered. 260 00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:30,600 He has this small, Small Chihuahua dog, 261 00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:32,133 little Chihuahua, Chihuahua, 262 00:12:32,133 --> 00:12:33,500 which is adorable - but no, 263 00:12:33,500 --> 00:12:37,067 like, one of them is Chihuahua push-in-face. 264 00:12:37,067 --> 00:12:39,067 Like, he saw like miniature deer, 265 00:12:39,067 --> 00:12:41,167 like a perfect little deer. 266 00:12:41,167 --> 00:12:44,300 Imagine if an ordinary-sized deer upset a witch, 267 00:12:44,300 --> 00:12:47,500 and he just goes, "Tiny," and then shrinks it. 268 00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:51,133 Pocket deer So he jumps up and down. 269 00:12:51,133 --> 00:12:52,367 We jump. We are all happy. 270 00:12:52,367 --> 00:12:53,767 Suddenly, the doorbell rings. 271 00:12:53,767 --> 00:12:55,933 I like, "The food is here! 272 00:12:55,933 --> 00:12:59,700 I'll hide in the kitchen," Because I'm not ready 273 00:12:59,700 --> 00:13:04,467 Not ready to go public. He doesn't care. 274 00:13:04,467 --> 00:13:06,767 He goes to the front door, Because he is 24 years old. 275 00:13:06,767 --> 00:13:09,100 I'm having some bullshit! 276 00:13:09,100 --> 00:13:14,600 So he goes to get the food. 277 00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:16,833 I hide in the kitchen like a fucking toddler, 278 00:13:16,833 --> 00:13:20,567 just, like, hiding in the thing of this animal's pajamas. 279 00:13:20,567 --> 00:13:22,367 He gets the food. Suddenly, 280 00:13:22,367 --> 00:13:25,567 I hear screams and collisions from the front of the apartment, 281 00:13:25,567 --> 00:13:29,367 and it turns out, Chihuahuas experience seizures. 282 00:13:29,367 --> 00:13:31,167 I know, because he's a Chihuahua, 283 00:13:31,167 --> 00:13:32,833 and he knows everything can kill him 284 00:13:32,833 --> 00:13:34,433 He knows. That is why they tremble all the time 285 00:13:34,433 --> 00:13:36,200 They are under of the food chain. 286 00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:38,433 They are less attacking dogs and more dog panic attacks, 287 00:13:38,433 --> 00:13:40,067 and he knows this 288 00:13:40,067 --> 00:13:42,467 So he just got overloaded. 289 00:13:42,467 --> 00:13:44,733 He hears the doorbell, sees a stranger, smells of food, 290 00:13:44,733 --> 00:13:46,300 and like-- 291 00:13:46,300 --> 00:13:49,767 Blue screen; he came out! 292 00:13:49,767 --> 00:13:52,067 He goes down, 293 00:13:52,067 --> 00:13:53,900 and we have to boot him safe mode 294 00:13:53,900 --> 00:13:56,933 or pull him out and count to ten 295 00:13:56,933 --> 00:13:58,300 until we can increase to supervisor 296 00:13:58,300 --> 00:13:59,767 I don't know, but he came out 297 00:13:59,767 --> 00:14:02,767 He came out 298 00:14:02,767 --> 00:14:05,500 He cries, panics. 299 00:14:05,500 --> 00:14:08,500 Poor people sending can't go 300 00:14:08,500 --> 00:14:12,467 because no one has entered credit card receipts yet, 301 00:14:12,467 --> 00:14:14,067 no, 302 00:14:14,067 --> 00:14:17,100 and that turns out, is the most strong magic known to man. 303 00:14:17,100 --> 00:14:19,133 Until someone signs a contract 304 00:14:19,133 --> 00:14:20,867 which releases it from spells 305 00:14:20,867 --> 00:14:23,367 which ties it to our property, 306 00:14:23,367 --> 00:14:25,700 he is forced to watch an adult woman 307 00:14:25,700 --> 00:14:28,633 dress like a fox cry in a puddle 308 00:14:28,633 --> 00:14:35,767 the next soup for Chihuahua seizures 309 00:14:35,767 --> 00:14:39,067 when suddenly, 310 00:14:39,067 --> 00:14:41,800 from around the corner, 311 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:43,367 giant prince wolf 312 00:14:43,367 --> 00:14:46,767 who forgets what he wears comes 313 00:14:46,767 --> 00:14:48,400 shout into the room 314 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:49,833 "What did you do to my girl?" 315 00:14:49,833 --> 00:14:51,900 "I don't do anything." "Why is she crying?" 316 00:14:51,900 --> 00:14:54,067 "I don't know why he cried." "What did you do to the dog?" 317 00:14:54,067 --> 00:14:55,400 "I'm not -" [barks] 318 00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:57,300 "Here it is sounds like when a dove cries." 319 00:14:57,300 --> 00:14:58,700 I see... 320 00:14:58,700 --> 00:15:02,067 [applause and applause] 321 00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:03,733 So now we are all in just one thing 322 00:15:07,500 --> 00:15:09,933 We all just stare at each other, 323 00:15:09,933 --> 00:15:11,367 so I tried to use comedy, 324 00:15:20,633 --> 00:15:22,333 Help our child. " 325 00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:35,933 That is the curse of this comic 326 00:15:35,933 --> 00:15:40,700 that you always say things in life, 327 00:15:40,700 --> 00:15:44,067 and it's okay for the stage, but never works in real life, 328 00:15:44,067 --> 00:15:45,467 never worked 329 00:15:51,367 --> 00:15:53,400 where they have this Michael Jackson 330 00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:54,933 Cirque du Soleil shows, right. 331 00:15:59,100 --> 00:16:01,300 out hologram from Michael Jackson, Tupac style, 332 00:16:01,300 --> 00:16:02,933 and then people do the unlucky circus behind it, 333 00:16:02,933 --> 00:16:04,133 and everyone pays $ 1,000, 334 00:16:04,133 --> 00:16:06,067 and they all go confused. 335 00:16:06,067 --> 00:16:08,333 So I was checking to the hotel, 336 00:16:08,333 --> 00:16:10,300 and this old man goes up to the table and leaves, 337 00:16:10,300 --> 00:16:13,667 "I'm here to take two tickets for Michael Jackson, please." 338 00:16:13,667 --> 00:16:16,167 And I can't stop myself from leaving, 339 00:16:16,167 --> 00:16:19,967 "Oh, didn't you hear? He died." 340 00:16:19,967 --> 00:16:22,067 I think it's funny. 341 00:16:22,067 --> 00:16:24,367 I think they will bring me on their shoulders 342 00:16:24,367 --> 00:16:29,100 going out on the street. "Yay, perfect joke." 343 00:16:29,100 --> 00:16:31,533 There is nothing Desk staff, 344 00:16:31,533 --> 00:16:33,067 just a cold look 345 00:16:33,067 --> 00:16:34,400 The man just glared at me. 346 00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:35,867 So I'm like, "I think I'll beat it," 347 00:16:35,867 --> 00:16:37,467 and then I try - 348 00:16:39,067 --> 00:16:42,767 [applause and applause] 349 00:16:46,067 --> 00:16:47,833 But humor is inappropriate important. 350 00:16:47,833 --> 00:16:49,933 I feel like someone is too easily offended now. 351 00:16:49,933 --> 00:16:51,433 Comedy is very important. 352 00:16:51,433 --> 00:16:54,067 This is a defense mechanism, you know. 353 00:16:54,067 --> 00:16:57,767 Comedy is armor to protect us from smoldering shit 354 00:16:57,767 --> 00:16:59,200 that is life sometimes. 355 00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:00,967 This helps us connect with other humans 356 00:17:00,967 --> 00:17:02,867 This helps us subvert strength. 357 00:17:02,867 --> 00:17:04,600 This helps us deal with tragedy. 358 00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:06,767 My father died a few years ago. 359 00:17:06,767 --> 00:17:08,533 What if it is the end of from the show? Thank you, good night. 360 00:17:08,533 --> 00:17:10,600 Whoa, what happened? Why? 361 00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:12,967 "Yeah, he told me some jizz jokes and said his father died, 362 00:17:12,967 --> 00:17:15,733 and he left." 363 00:17:15,733 --> 00:17:18,200 Yes, I'm at a dead dad's club. I am at the father's club dead. 364 00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:19,467 No problem. You can talk about it. 365 00:17:19,467 --> 00:17:21,333 Like, it's okay to make a joke about it, 366 00:17:21,333 --> 00:17:23,167 and if you are in it, you understand. 367 00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:24,900 The cost of initiation is a dead father 368 00:17:24,900 --> 00:17:26,233 That's how you enter 369 00:17:26,233 --> 00:17:28,867 You can also become a grandfather in 370 00:17:28,867 --> 00:17:30,700 Look, it's a joke 371 00:17:30,700 --> 00:17:34,933 You can make it if you at the father's club die, 372 00:17:34,933 --> 00:17:36,833 and if you are, you understand what I am talking about They know, literally On the day I found my father dead, 373 00:17:36,833 --> 00:17:39,733 374 00:17:39,733 --> 00:17:42,567 I'm in a pile floor, right, very upset 375 00:17:42,567 --> 00:17:44,600 My boyfriend at that time came He was like, 376 00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:46,200 "Oh, God, sweetie, Can I help you? 377 00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:47,900 Three hours after I know, 378 00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:50,067 I can't refrain from leaving, 379 00:17:50,067 --> 00:17:52,267 "My father always wants us to have ass sex." 380 00:17:52,267 --> 00:17:56,133 Because you get a window 381 00:18:04,233 --> 00:18:08,167 where the world is your genie of sympathy 382 00:18:08,167 --> 00:18:12,700 That doesn't work. He just looks at me 383 00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:14,267 very flat and gone, 384 00:18:14,267 --> 00:18:16,167 "Okay, turn it over." 385 00:18:16,167 --> 00:18:19,667 386 00:18:19,667 --> 00:18:22,600 "I don't think This is what he meant. 387 00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:26,067 " I don't think so what is he talking about 388 00:18:26,067 --> 00:18:28,200 I didn't say stop! " 389 00:18:34,067 --> 00:18:35,800 That is the thing you hear a lot when someone dies 390 00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:37,067 Can I help you? Can I help you? 391 00:18:37,067 --> 00:18:38,767 Can I help you? , but you are just bored hear it from everyone where is it unfair, 392 00:18:38,767 --> 00:18:40,667 393 00:18:40,667 --> 00:18:42,733 394 00:18:42,733 --> 00:18:44,467 395 00:18:44,467 --> 00:18:46,067 396 00:18:46,067 --> 00:18:47,667 397 00:18:47,667 --> 00:18:49,433 Because there is no news in our language 398 00:18:49,433 --> 00:18:51,533 who expresses the idea, 399 00:18:51,533 --> 00:18:53,900 "I feel sorry for you. I hope to help you. 400 00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,533 I can't. I will take my leave." 401 00:18:55,533 --> 00:18:57,733 There is no single word that condenses it all. 402 00:18:57,733 --> 00:18:59,400 Like, you are not sad in a room, 403 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:01,067 and someone enters, and they go, "Flarb." 404 00:19:01,067 --> 00:19:02,400 And you go, "Flarb," 405 00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:04,067 and then you never have to see them again 406 00:19:04,067 --> 00:19:05,733 I was at my father's funeral. 407 00:19:05,733 --> 00:19:07,333 Like, at my father's funeral, everyone like, 408 00:19:07,333 --> 00:19:09,067 "Can I help you with something? Can I help you?? Can I help you?" Finally, to make it stop, 409 00:19:09,067 --> 00:19:10,633 I just started reaching people and leaving, 410 00:19:10,633 --> 00:19:11,900 "Will you bring my father? come back to life?" 411 00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:16,100 And I just stare at them 412 00:19:16,100 --> 00:19:17,400 like I'm waiting for for something to happen. 413 00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:21,067 Call them a few days later, 414 00:19:21,067 --> 00:19:22,433 "How is that? will we talk about? 415 00:19:22,433 --> 00:19:26,133 You say something." 416 00:19:26,133 --> 00:19:28,433 This is very serious. 417 00:19:28,433 --> 00:19:30,067 Like, not a life celebration 418 00:19:30,067 --> 00:19:31,500 This must be a celebration. 419 00:19:31,500 --> 00:19:33,133 Right? It should be fun. 420 00:19:33,133 --> 00:19:36,400 421 00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:38,267 Like, when I die, please, do crazy crap 422 00:19:38,267 --> 00:19:39,833 Like, dress like lobster, 423 00:19:39,833 --> 00:19:41,400 the contents of the coffin with ice, make it a shrimp bar. 424 00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:42,767 I don't care. I will die. 425 00:19:42,767 --> 00:19:45,067 Give a sign to everyone, pull the penis in my face, 426 00:19:45,067 --> 00:19:46,100 I don't care what it is. 427 00:19:46,100 --> 00:19:47,300 Turn me into a biofuel. 428 00:19:47,300 --> 00:19:48,633 "In life, Chris Hardwick is douchebag, 429 00:19:48,633 --> 00:19:50,367 but in death, He takes us to Vegas." 430 00:19:50,367 --> 00:19:53,067 Like, I don't care. 431 00:19:53,067 --> 00:19:54,833 Have fun. We should have fun. 432 00:19:54,833 --> 00:19:57,300 Like, you know, we can already dress my father like a zombie 433 00:19:57,300 --> 00:19:58,367 and give everyone a bow. 434 00:19:58,367 --> 00:19:59,867 Like, have fun. 435 00:19:59,867 --> 00:20:04,067 Make it fun-eral. Let's make it fun-eral. 436 00:20:04,067 --> 00:20:07,167 You know the price is $ 20,000 437 00:20:07,167 --> 00:20:08,400 bury someone in this country? 438 00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:10,867 20 big, just to bury - I know. 439 00:20:10,867 --> 00:20:14,067 This is the cause of damn fraud they know you have to do it 440 00:20:14,067 --> 00:20:15,633 You can't hold your body In your home. 441 00:20:15,633 --> 00:20:18,600 That cannot be legally accepted. 442 00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:20,467 You have to put it on land that is categorized well, 443 00:20:20,467 --> 00:20:22,600 and the price tag is $ 20,000, 444 00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:24,000 and that's ridiculous 445 00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:25,967 My father is amazing. She's a funny guy. 446 00:20:25,967 --> 00:20:27,100 He's a good man. 447 00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:28,467 There are many better ways 448 00:20:28,467 --> 00:20:31,100 we can expel it for $ 20,000. 449 00:20:31,100 --> 00:20:34,433 For 20 - I know some. 450 00:20:34,433 --> 00:20:35,933 For 20 grand, 451 00:20:35,933 --> 00:20:39,400 we can buy Mercedes class E 2010, 452 00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:41,900 purple flame paint on the side, 453 00:20:41,900 --> 00:20:45,167 put him in the driver's seat, cinder block on the accelerator, 454 00:20:45,167 --> 00:20:46,433 drive him to the fireworks hut 455 00:20:46,433 --> 00:20:47,867 Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. 456 00:20:47,867 --> 00:20:49,733 And then expose it It's funny 457 00:20:49,733 --> 00:20:55,000 Like "I hope there is a vagina in heaven" or something pleasant. 458 00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,500 to fly halfway across the country, 459 00:20:59,500 --> 00:21:01,533 and then exactly as we have above the Grand Canyon, 460 00:21:01,533 --> 00:21:02,900 I can just dress him up like Batman 461 00:21:02,900 --> 00:21:05,067 and push it out of the plane... 462 00:21:11,833 --> 00:21:14,433 And with the remaining $ 5,000, rent Sugar Ray 463 00:21:14,433 --> 00:21:16,933 playing... I just want to fly 464 00:21:16,933 --> 00:21:21,933 Like, right also he is clouding the clouds. 465 00:21:24,967 --> 00:21:26,700 The most unbelievable part of the story 466 00:21:26,700 --> 00:21:29,567 whether it will hurt you $ 5,000 to rent Sugar Ray. 467 00:21:34,233 --> 00:21:35,900 And that's good music. 468 00:21:35,900 --> 00:21:38,100 Like, there are the entire period from, 469 00:21:38,100 --> 00:21:42,067 like, '93 to 2003 only... * Yeah, mo, yeah 470 00:21:42,067 --> 00:21:45,067 What do we do? in the 90s? 471 00:21:45,067 --> 00:21:46,400 I mean, they don't even say words 472 00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:48,067 Like how are you? write the song 473 00:21:48,067 --> 00:21:49,067 What rhymes with "mreah"? 474 00:21:49,067 --> 00:21:52,067 * Yes 475 00:21:52,067 --> 00:21:53,067 We can't make words. 476 00:21:53,067 --> 00:21:54,733 Like, all... * Yes 477 00:21:54,733 --> 00:21:57,967 * It's been a long time since I'm so [INAUDIBLE] * 478 00:21:57,967 --> 00:21:59,767 * Yes 479 00:21:59,767 --> 00:22:02,933 * It's been a long time * 480 00:22:02,933 --> 00:22:04,800 I know what music is 481 00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:07,100 I know what all that is, like - soul yodeling - 482 00:22:07,100 --> 00:22:10,133 I know what it's all about, Alright. 483 00:22:10,133 --> 00:22:11,400 That's for Bro bro. 484 00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:12,833 The 90s brought up from Dude, 485 00:22:12,833 --> 00:22:16,767 cold-tipped, tattoo barbwire dude bro 486 00:22:16,767 --> 00:22:20,067 it will blend and become Guy Fieri. 487 00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:25,667 That is the birth of from the dude, 488 00:22:25,667 --> 00:22:28,367 and Bung Bung can't express their emotions, 489 00:22:28,367 --> 00:22:31,467 so he just needs something to let the woman know he feels, 490 00:22:31,467 --> 00:22:33,633 so he can, like, throw the Staind CD at him 491 00:22:33,633 --> 00:22:36,900 and be like, "This is what I feel. 492 00:22:36,900 --> 00:22:40,733 If my penis can write poetry, this song will be." 493 00:22:40,733 --> 00:22:42,633 All songs from the 90s are only poetry dick. 494 00:22:42,633 --> 00:22:44,067 That's it. 495 00:22:44,067 --> 00:22:46,700 If you think about it, if your penman can sing, 496 00:22:46,700 --> 00:22:49,867 it doesn't have articulate muscles to form consonants, 497 00:22:49,867 --> 00:22:51,667 so everything will sound like, 498 00:22:51,667 --> 00:22:57,200 * It's been a long time since I [inaudible] * 499 00:22:57,200 --> 00:23:00,567 * He will be [inaudible] * 500 00:23:05,100 --> 00:23:07,133 * With arms wide open 501 00:23:07,133 --> 00:23:09,733 [INAUDIBLE] 502 00:23:09,733 --> 00:23:12,100 That is Creed, poetry dick for Jesus 503 00:23:16,167 --> 00:23:18,133 [laughs] 504 00:23:18,133 --> 00:23:21,133 So you don't think 505 00:23:21,133 --> 00:23:22,900 I am a monster and to tell you 506 00:23:22,900 --> 00:23:24,300 that my father must be cool with all this, 507 00:23:24,300 --> 00:23:25,500 He really likes it when I speak about him on stage, 508 00:23:25,500 --> 00:23:26,967 and that's really - 509 00:23:26,967 --> 00:23:28,700 My father has a lot - dirty sense of humor 510 00:23:28,700 --> 00:23:31,400 As I have, my father like a vampire head poop. 511 00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:32,900 I performed in Tennessee, 512 00:23:32,900 --> 00:23:35,200 and we all go to dinner after the show 513 00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:37,167 My father and siblings 514 00:23:37,167 --> 00:23:41,233 and my stepmother, which I call the mother bonus 515 00:23:41,233 --> 00:23:42,467 We all go to dinner, 516 00:23:42,467 --> 00:23:46,700 and my father, after 6 or 13 beers, 517 00:23:46,700 --> 00:23:50,367 decide to start tell everyone at the table 518 00:23:50,367 --> 00:23:54,767 how to lose a woman 519 00:23:54,767 --> 00:23:56,067 If you don't laugh, you are being rude 520 00:23:56,067 --> 00:23:57,300 Remember my father now. 521 00:23:57,300 --> 00:24:00,933 Do you understand me? 522 00:24:00,933 --> 00:24:02,267 No one asked that question, by the way. 523 00:24:02,267 --> 00:24:05,367 No one asked that question at that time 524 00:24:05,367 --> 00:24:07,133 What I say like, "Should I get an appetizer?" 525 00:24:07,133 --> 00:24:09,300 And he is like, "I will tell you what to eat," 526 00:24:09,300 --> 00:24:14,267 and then it just gets dirty, 527 00:24:14,267 --> 00:24:16,433 in graphic details, 528 00:24:16,433 --> 00:24:19,367 explain the topography of from this region to a woman 529 00:24:19,367 --> 00:24:22,733 and how to navigate it, like her Vagellan 530 00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:28,367 We only get more and are more uncomfortable. 531 00:24:28,367 --> 00:24:29,667 We are like, "Should we order?" 532 00:24:29,667 --> 00:24:31,533 And he left, "Okay, listen. 533 00:24:31,533 --> 00:24:33,367 " If you are with someone new, 534 00:24:33,367 --> 00:24:36,333 "You have to dip your finger enter and take a sample, 535 00:24:36,333 --> 00:24:38,367 so you know your destination." 536 00:24:38,367 --> 00:24:42,067 [squeals] 537 00:24:42,067 --> 00:24:46,733 I saw his servant Behind him did this, 538 00:24:46,733 --> 00:24:51,333 and then we never see it again 539 00:24:51,333 --> 00:24:52,367 I'm like, "Dad, please." 540 00:24:52,367 --> 00:24:55,500 And he goes, "Listen to me." 541 00:24:55,500 --> 00:24:57,433 "Listen to me"? 542 00:24:57,433 --> 00:25:01,067 You are not developing democracy 543 00:25:01,067 --> 00:25:03,700 That's just a bridge from "I just said something terrible" 544 00:25:03,700 --> 00:25:07,200 for "this will get worse." 545 00:25:07,200 --> 00:25:09,867 He said, "Looks like when someone gives you a cake 546 00:25:09,867 --> 00:25:11,300 " You take a sample of from the icing, 547 00:25:11,300 --> 00:25:14,233 so you know if you have to do it have a cake, " 548 00:25:14,233 --> 00:25:18,300 and then he sits back, very satisfied with this answer 549 00:25:18,300 --> 00:25:20,100 Until the mother's bonus Jumps on his face 550 00:25:20,100 --> 00:25:22,800 and goes," Motherfucker, if someone gives you a cake, 551 00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:24,233 You eat it. " 552 00:25:25,767 --> 00:25:28,100 [applause and applause] 553 00:25:28,100 --> 00:25:29,900 Yes. 554 00:25:33,900 --> 00:25:36,400 It is a cold window into their lives 555 00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:40,767 that paints my nightmare for the coming months. 556 00:25:40,767 --> 00:25:43,800 Because it talks about people old 557 00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:45,267 and talking about having sex With parents, 558 00:25:45,267 --> 00:25:47,233 like, Father and Mother Bonus exactly like the type of parent 559 00:25:47,233 --> 00:25:49,700 who thinks it's funny to talk about their sex life 560 00:25:49,700 --> 00:25:50,933 in front of children. 561 00:25:50,933 --> 00:25:53,900 Alert spoiler, it's not funny When I have breakfast with them, 562 00:25:53,900 --> 00:25:55,400 and I like, "Can you pass orange juice?" 563 00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:57,267 And he's like, "Okay, but if you go to -" 564 00:25:57,267 --> 00:25:58,767 That has nothing to do with what I say 565 00:25:58,767 --> 00:25:59,833 "Okay, but if you come 566 00:25:59,833 --> 00:26:01,233 " to the bedroom at 3:00 a.m., 567 00:26:01,233 --> 00:26:02,900 "and Rebecca's hand is up on the wall, 568 00:26:02,900 --> 00:26:04,067 He doesn't hang paintings." 569 00:26:04,067 --> 00:26:05,333 And I'm like, "Fuck. 570 00:26:05,333 --> 00:26:07,800 Oh, there's so much wrong with that 571 00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:11,500 572 00:26:11,500 --> 00:26:13,067 First of all, I'm not ten. 573 00:26:13,067 --> 00:26:14,633 I will not come to your bedroom 574 00:26:14,633 --> 00:26:18,067 in the middle of the night and crawl between you. 575 00:26:18,067 --> 00:26:20,833 It's rumbling. Like, I didn't enter 576 00:26:20,833 --> 00:26:22,833 And if by chance, for some crazy reason, 577 00:26:22,833 --> 00:26:24,667 I go into your bedroom at 3:00 a.m., 578 00:26:24,667 --> 00:26:27,667 and my bare stepmother is awake with her hand on the wall, 579 00:26:27,667 --> 00:26:29,167 my first thought won't, 580 00:26:29,167 --> 00:26:35,367 "How strange when hanging art. 581 00:26:35,367 --> 00:26:36,967 " I don't think he will achieve it 582 00:26:36,967 --> 00:26:40,667 Oh, he gave her encouragement with her face. " 583 00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:49,133 This is my inheritance. This is my inheritance. 584 00:26:49,133 --> 00:26:53,533 This is what my father gave me. 585 00:26:53,533 --> 00:26:54,767 This set is stunning. 586 00:26:54,767 --> 00:26:56,433 I fell in love with with this set so much. 587 00:26:56,433 --> 00:27:00,667 That looks - when I'm talking to Comedy Central, they say, 588 00:27:00,667 --> 00:27:01,733 "What do you want set to?" 589 00:27:01,733 --> 00:27:04,333 And I, honest with God, say, 590 00:27:04,333 --> 00:27:06,067 "Oh, I want something 591 00:27:06,067 --> 00:27:09,500 that says 'Victoria man serial killer.'" 592 00:27:09,500 --> 00:27:12,600 I like polar bears behind, there, 593 00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:14,367 mainly because of its appearance 594 00:27:14,367 --> 00:27:19,300 like he accidentally entered the wrong room 595 00:27:19,300 --> 00:27:21,567 "Hi friends. Is this a 'Missing' reunion? 596 00:27:21,567 --> 00:27:24,067 "Oh well. No, sorry 597 00:27:24,067 --> 00:27:25,700 " No, I never knew why I was there too 598 00:27:25,700 --> 00:27:27,933 I don't know Well, I'll see you. " 599 00:27:31,767 --> 00:27:34,067 It's so great to go back there. 600 00:27:34,067 --> 00:27:37,567 What you do What do you do, sir? 601 00:27:37,567 --> 00:27:38,600 - In life? - Yes. 602 00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:41,200 What did you do in life? I am a software engineer. - Are you a software engineer? 603 00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:44,633 Where did you come from? - French. 604 00:27:44,633 --> 00:27:46,067 - You are from France? - Yes. - Nice to meet you 605 00:27:46,067 --> 00:27:48,333 Your English is really good 606 00:27:48,333 --> 00:27:51,467 607 00:27:54,833 --> 00:27:56,433 608 00:27:56,433 --> 00:27:59,100 Where do you study speak good English like that? 609 00:27:59,100 --> 00:28:00,667 - I've been here seven years. 610 00:28:00,667 --> 00:28:05,633 - Oh, well, your English must be much better 611 00:28:05,633 --> 00:28:07,200 I mean, forgive me-- 612 00:28:09,667 --> 00:28:11,467 [speaking French] 613 00:28:13,267 --> 00:28:16,967 [speaking French] 614 00:28:16,967 --> 00:28:18,567 But it's nice to meet you. 615 00:28:18,567 --> 00:28:20,500 Thank you. What are you doing? 616 00:28:20,500 --> 00:28:21,533 - Commercial housing. 617 00:28:21,533 --> 00:28:24,633 - really In san francisco? 618 00:28:24,633 --> 00:28:28,233 - Yeah. - What's left? 619 00:28:28,233 --> 00:28:30,067 There is nothing left. 620 00:28:30,067 --> 00:28:32,633 It's 1x1 square inch here, 621 00:28:32,633 --> 00:28:36,133 this is $ 13 million 622 00:28:36,133 --> 00:28:40,100 and not categorized for anything. 623 00:28:40,100 --> 00:28:41,800 [applause and applause] 624 00:28:41,800 --> 00:28:44,567 What is strange - 625 00:28:44,567 --> 00:28:46,900 What about you - Tech. 626 00:28:46,900 --> 00:28:48,967 - Do you do tech? - Ticketing, yes 627 00:28:48,967 --> 00:28:50,233 - do you do tech ticketing? - Yeah. 628 00:28:50,233 --> 00:28:51,867 - What does that mean? - Ticketmaster 629 00:28:51,867 --> 00:28:53,200 - You work at Ticketmaster. Oh okay. 630 00:28:53,200 --> 00:28:55,100 You start in tech... [audience complains 631 00:28:55,100 --> 00:28:57,333 And then you like - and you know it will happen 632 00:28:57,333 --> 00:29:00,100 the reaction 633 00:29:00,100 --> 00:29:01,667 Listen, on behalf of from the audience, 634 00:29:01,667 --> 00:29:03,100 I have a sincere question. 635 00:29:03,100 --> 00:29:06,233 What the hell is is the cost of comfort? 636 00:29:06,233 --> 00:29:09,133 What is more comfortable about that? 637 00:29:09,133 --> 00:29:13,433 What is so comfortable it costs $ 20? 638 00:29:13,433 --> 00:29:16,267 What is so comfortable it costs $ 20? 639 00:29:16,267 --> 00:29:21,533 - Do you want me to answer on the camera? 640 00:29:21,533 --> 00:29:23,067 - No. 641 00:29:25,200 --> 00:29:27,200 But I want to charge you $ 20 comfort fee 642 00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:30,500 to talk to you in front lines. What about you 643 00:29:30,500 --> 00:29:32,767 - I work for a professional sports team. 644 00:29:32,767 --> 00:29:35,433 - Professional sports team. 645 00:29:35,433 --> 00:29:36,667 What sports team 646 00:29:36,667 --> 00:29:37,733 - Shark San Jose. 647 00:29:37,733 --> 00:29:40,633 - San Jose - whoa. 648 00:29:40,633 --> 00:29:43,867 [applause and applause] 649 00:29:43,867 --> 00:29:48,567 People like baskets - hockey. 650 00:29:48,567 --> 00:29:51,200 People like hockey baskets, 651 00:29:51,200 --> 00:29:53,933 the best sport available 652 00:29:53,933 --> 00:29:58,433 Oh, very good, 653 00:29:58,433 --> 00:30:04,067 rolling around on the ice field 654 00:30:08,633 --> 00:30:10,500 My biggest mother sports fans in the world 655 00:30:10,500 --> 00:30:13,233 I don't get that gene, and I just make people upset, 656 00:30:13,233 --> 00:30:14,933 Because people like to follow it on Twitter because 657 00:30:14,933 --> 00:30:16,367 he swears a lot of and watches sports. 658 00:30:16,367 --> 00:30:19,667 Like, last time the draft was on, 659 00:30:19,667 --> 00:30:21,933 I call it Sports Ball Sorting Hat Day, 660 00:30:21,933 --> 00:30:26,667 and people really bend out of shape. 661 00:30:26,667 --> 00:30:28,833 "Don't make love to my sport." 662 00:30:28,833 --> 00:30:31,067 What are you - what else do you do? 663 00:30:31,067 --> 00:30:33,567 You - what do you do? for San Jose sharks? 664 00:30:33,567 --> 00:30:35,000 - I make a working ticket. 665 00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:37,767 - Where do you go? - Stay away from this 666 00:30:37,767 --> 00:30:42,733 - Far from what? Sst. 667 00:30:42,733 --> 00:30:46,133 [imitating Bane] Why you-- 668 00:30:46,133 --> 00:30:48,700 Why are you rejecting me, Batman? 669 00:30:48,700 --> 00:30:50,100 Why are you against me? 670 00:30:50,100 --> 00:30:55,100 I can be a San Jose shark, Batman, 671 00:30:55,100 --> 00:30:57,667 despite the idea think about sharks 672 00:30:57,667 --> 00:31:01,933 skipping on ice very funny. 673 00:31:01,933 --> 00:31:03,467 They live under water, Batman. 674 00:31:03,467 --> 00:31:07,967 Maybe you are no stranger to with how sharks work. 675 00:31:07,967 --> 00:31:10,067 Batman, what's your name? 676 00:31:10,067 --> 00:31:13,200 - Andrew - Batman, do you remember 677 00:31:17,833 --> 00:31:20,667 Do you remember when you saw it? "Black knights rise," 678 00:31:20,667 --> 00:31:22,767 and you are like, "Will he talk? 679 00:31:22,767 --> 00:31:26,500 Like that whole movie?" 680 00:31:26,500 --> 00:31:30,733 And the answer is, yes, he's damn 681 00:31:30,733 --> 00:31:33,567 Oh, Batman, you like that - you-- 682 00:31:37,933 --> 00:31:39,333 You are like a braw 683 00:31:39,333 --> 00:31:42,400 for millennials, Batman 684 00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:44,333 Very warm. 685 00:31:44,333 --> 00:31:47,667 We have to spend it More time together, Batman, 686 00:31:47,667 --> 00:31:52,500 go - oh, you tremble 687 00:31:52,500 --> 00:31:56,933 You know that's all it turns out I'm more, Batman. 688 00:31:56,933 --> 00:31:59,400 We have to spend it some time together, 689 00:31:59,400 --> 00:32:05,133 go see a movie, make love with fire 690 00:32:05,133 --> 00:32:08,200 But don't try to trap me, Batman. 691 00:32:08,200 --> 00:32:11,767 - never - Because I'm a cowboy 692 00:32:11,767 --> 00:32:15,700 On my steel horse ride. 693 00:32:15,700 --> 00:32:18,533 * I want to, die * 694 00:32:18,533 --> 00:32:24,900 That's Bane Jovi, the character I'm working on 695 00:32:24,900 --> 00:32:27,067 What are you doing? 696 00:32:27,067 --> 00:32:29,633 - CarPlay. - CarPlay? 697 00:32:29,633 --> 00:32:31,567 - [INAUDIBLE] - Oh, oh, CarPlay. 698 00:32:31,567 --> 00:32:32,967 That's not it I think that's 699 00:32:32,967 --> 00:32:36,433 I think it feels like, "Nurse, 700 00:32:36,433 --> 00:32:41,467 " Can you pull this car? from my ass? 701 00:32:41,467 --> 00:32:42,867 "This is '74 Pacer. 702 00:32:42,867 --> 00:32:48,067 " The sound is aerodynamic for insertion 703 00:32:48,067 --> 00:32:50,367 "This new model car just doesn't match the way 704 00:32:50,367 --> 00:32:52,233 used cars first." 705 00:32:52,233 --> 00:32:55,667 CarPlay. So we will CarPlay immediately in the car? 706 00:32:55,667 --> 00:32:56,933 - This is shipping now 707 00:32:56,933 --> 00:33:01,533 - No! What we even are still here 708 00:33:01,533 --> 00:33:03,333 Come on out. Let's go to the Apple campus. 709 00:33:03,333 --> 00:33:04,867 So you work for Apple? - I do 710 00:33:04,867 --> 00:33:08,400 - Damn Oh my God. 711 00:33:08,400 --> 00:33:12,500 What is it, like, strange, Masonic, mystical experience? 712 00:33:12,500 --> 00:33:14,067 - No. 713 00:33:16,900 --> 00:33:18,633 - You lie. 714 00:33:18,633 --> 00:33:21,833 Every Friday night, we all wear druid robes 715 00:33:21,833 --> 00:33:26,533 and call Steve! 716 00:33:26,533 --> 00:33:28,500 We have all seen headless turtlenecks 717 00:33:28,500 --> 00:33:31,400 floating through Cupertino campus. 718 00:33:38,967 --> 00:33:42,167 Hello, sir. You look very luxurious in your pea coat 719 00:33:42,167 --> 00:33:44,233 - Thank you. - Where do you come from? 720 00:33:44,233 --> 00:33:46,600 - Davis, California - Davis, Cali-- 721 00:33:46,600 --> 00:33:51,667 Medium support for Davis, California 722 00:33:51,667 --> 00:33:54,967 No, I'm kidding. Davis is a good place to be. 723 00:33:54,967 --> 00:33:56,067 Is this not? No, he agreed. 724 00:33:56,067 --> 00:33:57,867 You also handle it. 725 00:33:57,867 --> 00:34:00,833 You agree with them. What are you doing at Davis? 726 00:34:00,833 --> 00:34:01,933 - I am a medical student. 727 00:34:01,933 --> 00:34:04,900 - Oh. Will you be a doctor? 728 00:34:04,900 --> 00:34:06,700 - No. - Good. 729 00:34:16,067 --> 00:34:18,067 I just want to learn how to sew it together, 730 00:34:18,067 --> 00:34:21,100 so I can make love. What? 731 00:34:21,100 --> 00:34:23,067 - I passed that class 732 00:34:23,067 --> 00:34:25,467 - You passed it - he said, "I passed the class." 733 00:34:25,467 --> 00:34:27,600 Good. 734 00:34:27,600 --> 00:34:28,567 Good for you. 735 00:34:31,833 --> 00:34:33,167 What are you doing? 736 00:34:33,167 --> 00:34:36,400 - I am a writer - What did you write? 737 00:34:36,400 --> 00:34:39,600 - Many items people will never read 738 00:34:39,600 --> 00:34:41,867 - Oh come on! 739 00:34:41,867 --> 00:34:44,933 Don't have like negative attitude! 740 00:34:44,933 --> 00:34:46,067 There is an Internet. 741 00:34:46,067 --> 00:34:47,567 You can get items out there. 742 00:34:47,567 --> 00:34:49,400 - Oh, it's there No one found it. 743 00:34:49,400 --> 00:34:52,667 - Oh well. OK. 744 00:34:52,667 --> 00:34:55,867 * Passive-aggressive writer 745 00:34:55,867 --> 00:34:58,133 I mean, if people are not like dickheads about reading my work 746 00:34:58,133 --> 00:35:00,967 What did you write? 747 00:35:00,967 --> 00:35:01,967 What kind of items do you write? 748 00:35:01,967 --> 00:35:03,233 Maybe we can help You advertise it. 749 00:35:03,233 --> 00:35:05,233 - I have some fiction out there. 750 00:35:05,233 --> 00:35:06,567 I really have the first rejection in my first novel today, so it's good 751 00:35:06,567 --> 00:35:08,600 - That's amazing. 752 00:35:08,600 --> 00:35:10,833 [applause and applause] 753 00:35:10,833 --> 00:35:12,500 That will start you on the road to success 754 00:35:12,500 --> 00:35:16,100 Like, rejection helps you appreciate acceptance 755 00:35:16,100 --> 00:35:18,300 Do you understand? 756 00:35:18,300 --> 00:35:22,133 - I will keep telling myself. 757 00:35:22,133 --> 00:35:24,100 758 00:35:24,100 --> 00:35:25,933 759 00:35:25,933 --> 00:35:26,933 - You depend there 760 00:35:26,933 --> 00:35:28,733 You have a good woman here 761 00:35:28,733 --> 00:35:31,933 that seems to support you Despite your bad attitude, 762 00:35:31,933 --> 00:35:34,367 and he loves you 763 00:35:34,367 --> 00:35:37,100 even though your writing doesn't sell 764 00:35:37,100 --> 00:35:38,833 He is attached to you, no matter what 765 00:35:38,833 --> 00:35:40,200 He loves you to pieces. 766 00:35:40,200 --> 00:35:43,300 What is the novel? which is rejected? 767 00:35:43,300 --> 00:35:45,800 Maybe there are publishers here 768 00:35:45,800 --> 00:35:47,100 who might like, 769 00:35:47,100 --> 00:35:49,900 "Yo, I want your crazy story about that man 770 00:35:49,900 --> 00:35:53,500 who turns into a horse," or whatever your story is 771 00:35:53,500 --> 00:35:55,767 - Well, it's about a lawyer. 772 00:35:55,767 --> 00:35:59,267 - Boring I'm kidding. 773 00:35:59,267 --> 00:36:02,067 Sorry. No, what do lawyers do? 774 00:36:02,067 --> 00:36:04,233 - Well, what he did was, he faked his own death 775 00:36:04,233 --> 00:36:06,067 because of the federal government 776 00:36:06,067 --> 00:36:09,800 is investigating Terrible business practices. 777 00:36:09,800 --> 00:36:11,900 [laughs] 778 00:36:11,900 --> 00:36:13,900 - I'm addicted! 779 00:36:13,900 --> 00:36:16,833 - The idea behind that is that he can't leave the city 780 00:36:16,833 --> 00:36:19,767 after he faked his own death until he saw his funeral, 781 00:36:19,767 --> 00:36:23,067 and when he saw his funeral, he realized that life 782 00:36:23,067 --> 00:36:24,333 which he thought he had 783 00:36:24,333 --> 00:36:26,800 actually not life he really has 784 00:36:26,800 --> 00:36:30,600 - So it's like that 785 00:36:30,600 --> 00:36:35,167 John Grisham met "It's a Beautiful Life." 786 00:36:35,167 --> 00:36:36,667 You can use it. 787 00:36:39,700 --> 00:36:41,267 [imitating James Stewart] I say, Judge Clarence, 788 00:36:41,267 --> 00:36:44,333 I wish I had never been born. 789 00:36:44,333 --> 00:36:46,167 [normal] I think you should stay with it. 790 00:36:46,167 --> 00:36:47,900 Don't go down or get discouraged. 791 00:36:47,900 --> 00:36:49,600 No problem. 792 00:36:49,600 --> 00:36:52,433 You know, you can fuck up repeatedly. 793 00:36:52,433 --> 00:36:54,533 What you have to do read my IMDB page 794 00:36:54,533 --> 00:36:58,067 to understand how it works 795 00:36:58,067 --> 00:37:00,433 I'm still here somehow. 796 00:37:00,433 --> 00:37:03,067 I worked through the 1900s. 797 00:37:03,067 --> 00:37:04,867 I don't know how. 798 00:37:04,867 --> 00:37:05,800 I am here. 799 00:37:05,800 --> 00:37:07,367 Good luck for you 800 00:37:07,367 --> 00:37:10,100 You look like - you a good young man 801 00:37:10,100 --> 00:37:12,300 Parkour! 802 00:37:12,300 --> 00:37:16,667 [applause] 803 00:37:16,667 --> 00:37:22,067 One time, I lost my virginity - 804 00:37:22,067 --> 00:37:27,433 wait a minute, listen to me - 805 00:37:27,433 --> 00:37:31,067 for blow-up dolls. 806 00:37:31,067 --> 00:37:33,433 Now, your silence is very judgy. 807 00:37:36,133 --> 00:37:37,667 I am in high school. 808 00:37:37,667 --> 00:37:41,133 My friends gave me doll blow-ups as a joke, 809 00:37:41,133 --> 00:37:46,133 and that's funny When I really have sex with him. 810 00:37:46,133 --> 00:37:48,300 Strange things to do, 811 00:37:48,300 --> 00:37:49,800 to expand your lover. 812 00:37:49,800 --> 00:37:51,400 You just feel like this weird crazy scientist, 813 00:37:51,400 --> 00:37:55,633 like, "I will give you life. 814 00:37:55,633 --> 00:37:58,933 You will give me love. " 815 00:37:58,933 --> 00:38:00,933 You basically imprison your breath, 816 00:38:00,933 --> 00:38:04,167 so you can make love to it Like, it's a strange thing. 817 00:38:04,167 --> 00:38:05,900 It's a strange thing. 818 00:38:05,900 --> 00:38:07,400 You don't go anywhere, breath. 819 00:38:07,400 --> 00:38:10,967 Like, that's a strange thing. 820 00:38:10,967 --> 00:38:12,733 But I'm still young. I do it for science. 821 00:38:12,733 --> 00:38:15,300 I just want to see what will happen, , 822 00:38:15,300 --> 00:38:17,500 Because I'm romantic. 823 00:38:17,500 --> 00:38:19,067 Now, I take it - he. 824 00:38:19,067 --> 00:38:22,300 I? His? . bath. 825 00:38:22,300 --> 00:38:24,567 826 00:38:24,567 --> 00:38:30,367 827 00:38:30,367 --> 00:38:32,600 828 00:38:32,600 --> 00:38:34,300 There are no locks on the bathroom door, by the way 829 00:38:34,300 --> 00:38:35,900 There is no key. I know. 830 00:38:35,900 --> 00:38:37,867 This is very critical situation. 831 00:38:37,867 --> 00:38:39,567 My need to be in something at that age 832 00:38:39,567 --> 00:38:42,533 far exceeds risk aversion that I have 833 00:38:42,533 --> 00:38:43,967 There is no lock on the door. 834 00:38:43,967 --> 00:38:45,767 My parents can already come anytime, 835 00:38:45,767 --> 00:38:48,333 but I'm not - and there's there's nothing you can say 836 00:38:48,333 --> 00:38:49,567 There is nothing you can - 837 00:38:49,567 --> 00:38:51,367 You can't talk your way out of it 838 00:38:51,367 --> 00:38:53,500 If they enter, you can't be like, "This isn't mine." 839 00:38:53,500 --> 00:38:56,200 Like, there is nothing You could say. 840 00:38:56,200 --> 00:38:58,667 You can't like, "Uh, please?" 841 00:38:58,667 --> 00:39:03,133 What are you supposed to say? 842 00:39:03,133 --> 00:39:05,067 So I reasoned If I was caught in the middle 843 00:39:05,067 --> 00:39:06,767 night is doing this disgusting thing, 844 00:39:06,767 --> 00:39:08,400 that I don't go 845 00:39:08,400 --> 00:39:10,167 to try to get out of it, and it should not. 846 00:39:10,167 --> 00:39:12,067 If you have ever been caught do something dirty 847 00:39:12,067 --> 00:39:13,700 in the middle of the night, in the middle of the night, 848 00:39:13,700 --> 00:39:15,767 by others or roommates or parents 849 00:39:15,767 --> 00:39:18,600 or whatever, you don't try to talk the way out of it 850 00:39:18,600 --> 00:39:22,067 Listen to me. You are committed to your activities, 851 00:39:22,067 --> 00:39:23,800 and then you say a strange sequiew 852 00:39:23,800 --> 00:39:28,067 to deceive them into thinking they are dreaming Right? 853 00:39:28,067 --> 00:39:29,900 If my father enters, I would have been like, 854 00:39:29,900 --> 00:39:31,867 "And the report is better is on my desk at 9:00 a.m." He will be like, "Oh, right, at 9:00 okay." 855 00:39:31,867 --> 00:39:35,533 And that is a standard problem doll blow-ups, by the way, 856 00:39:43,100 --> 00:39:45,633 it's just that standard type, you know, 857 00:39:45,633 --> 00:39:49,333 fingerless hand gloves 858 00:39:49,333 --> 00:39:51,767 Like-- 859 00:39:51,767 --> 00:39:53,300 That look on his face, that, like, "What do you want to do?" 860 00:39:53,300 --> 00:39:56,267 Like, look at that. 861 00:39:56,267 --> 00:39:58,833 Doll blow-up standard expression 862 00:39:58,833 --> 00:40:00,267 863 00:40:00,267 --> 00:40:02,033 looks like if you drive late at night, 864 00:40:02,033 --> 00:40:03,867 and it's dark, and someone runs in front of your car, 865 00:40:03,867 --> 00:40:05,300 and you slam the brakes, and you almost hit them, 866 00:40:05,300 --> 00:40:07,800 but no, and they just turn and leave - 867 00:40:13,333 --> 00:40:15,233 But in that situation, 868 00:40:15,233 --> 00:40:17,067 You don't leave, "I have to insert a penis there." 869 00:40:17,067 --> 00:40:20,367 Like, you don't do that. 870 00:40:20,367 --> 00:40:24,133 So the process starts, 871 00:40:24,133 --> 00:40:27,600 and that's weird, and it's creaking, 872 00:40:27,600 --> 00:40:30,767 and we get about half way through - so, 873 00:40:30,767 --> 00:40:32,167 like, one minute and - 874 00:40:32,167 --> 00:40:34,000 This is my first time. 875 00:40:34,000 --> 00:40:37,800 We get around halfway, and it starts to deflate. 876 00:40:37,800 --> 00:40:39,200 All 877 00:40:39,200 --> 00:40:41,033 Because I'm very big. No, I don't know why. 878 00:40:41,033 --> 00:40:42,433 I don't know why 879 00:40:42,433 --> 00:40:43,667 I'm just guessing, like, oh, 880 00:40:43,667 --> 00:40:47,033 it doesn't want to be here too 881 00:40:47,033 --> 00:40:49,367 That will be the power of mut mutants to have if you are a woman, 882 00:40:49,367 --> 00:40:51,800 by the way, and you immediately Regret fucking a man, 883 00:40:51,800 --> 00:40:55,567 You can just like, "Ugh, I'm out of here." 884 00:40:55,567 --> 00:40:57,200 Just look at the dude freak out. 885 00:40:57,200 --> 00:41:00,267 "What's this? Oh, my God, what happened? 886 00:41:00,267 --> 00:41:02,200 What is this magic?" 887 00:41:06,167 --> 00:41:10,333 So it starts to deflate, 888 00:41:10,333 --> 00:41:12,800 and now this is a race. 889 00:41:19,433 --> 00:41:23,333 And I don't like losing. 890 00:41:23,333 --> 00:41:25,533 So I crossed the finish line correctly 891 00:41:25,533 --> 00:41:28,133 as collected in the last puddle 892 00:41:28,133 --> 00:41:32,533 around the middle of my body at the end, dramatic death, 893 00:41:32,533 --> 00:41:34,533 [imitate air desire] 894 00:41:37,200 --> 00:41:39,233 Which will name rad for a band, 895 00:41:39,233 --> 00:41:41,667 I think we will all agree. 896 00:41:41,667 --> 00:41:43,767 I don't know what that is. 897 00:41:43,767 --> 00:41:48,267 Maybe German, maybe all tubas. 898 00:41:48,267 --> 00:41:52,300 [German Accent] Hello, Munich. We are Death Queef. 899 00:41:52,300 --> 00:41:54,533 Eins, zwei, drei. 900 00:41:54,533 --> 00:41:57,367 [imitating rousing horn music] 901 00:41:57,367 --> 00:41:59,800 That's the only thing you can do play in the tube. 902 00:41:59,800 --> 00:42:03,133 [applause and applause] 903 00:42:06,200 --> 00:42:08,433 So I'm done, like, 904 00:42:08,433 --> 00:42:12,267 and I immediately When consciousness 905 00:42:12,267 --> 00:42:13,700 that a man gets the second 906 00:42:13,700 --> 00:42:15,867 after he finishes main command, 907 00:42:15,867 --> 00:42:17,300 and now I feel bad about myself. 908 00:42:17,300 --> 00:42:18,867 I feel bad, because 909 00:42:18,867 --> 00:42:20,567 I like, "I don't know what is wrong with me. 910 00:42:20,567 --> 00:42:21,867 I don't know who--" 911 00:42:21,867 --> 00:42:23,200 There is no an internet at that time. 912 00:42:23,200 --> 00:42:24,500 I don't know who I can talk to 913 00:42:24,500 --> 00:42:25,900 Is this weird? Is this weird? 914 00:42:25,900 --> 00:42:27,667 You know, am I broken? Am I damaged? 915 00:42:27,667 --> 00:42:29,067 I brought this around for a long time. 916 00:42:29,067 --> 00:42:30,567 I'm like, "What is my life?" 917 00:42:30,567 --> 00:42:32,333 Will I be fair, like, cranking it 918 00:42:32,333 --> 00:42:34,467 to Hari Macy Parade, like, "Fuck, Underdog." 919 00:42:34,467 --> 00:42:37,967 Like, what will happen? 920 00:42:40,367 --> 00:42:42,733 I thought I broke for a long time, 921 00:42:42,733 --> 00:42:45,633 until I'm on stage in Nashville, Tennessee, 922 00:42:45,633 --> 00:42:47,733 a few years ago, the first time 923 00:42:47,733 --> 00:42:49,200 I told the story on stage. 924 00:42:49,200 --> 00:42:53,533 I went, "One time, I had sex with a blow-up doll." 925 00:42:53,533 --> 00:42:55,100 My father, from the audience, 926 00:42:55,100 --> 00:42:58,400 "Me too!" 927 00:42:58,400 --> 00:42:59,700 What? 928 00:43:02,633 --> 00:43:04,867 We connect this? 929 00:43:08,433 --> 00:43:09,633 Why don't you warn someone? 930 00:43:09,633 --> 00:43:10,733 Is it hereditary? 931 00:43:10,733 --> 00:43:14,067 Like, that's weird - 932 00:43:14,067 --> 00:43:15,300 Like, I might have a child later. 933 00:43:15,300 --> 00:43:16,833 Now I have to watch him like eagle 934 00:43:16,833 --> 00:43:18,833 Hey, face on the raft, Kyle. 935 00:43:18,833 --> 00:43:20,933 I know what you are doing 936 00:43:24,767 --> 00:43:26,333 Yes, don't try. 937 00:43:26,333 --> 00:43:28,067 I do it, like my father 938 00:43:28,067 --> 00:43:31,700 and his father before him and his father before him, 939 00:43:31,700 --> 00:43:34,067 who used to have to screw stone piles 940 00:43:34,067 --> 00:43:40,233 climb two ways to school in the snow 941 00:43:40,233 --> 00:43:43,467 This is my inheritance. This is my inheritance. 942 00:43:43,467 --> 00:43:45,467 You won't know this from seeing me 943 00:43:45,467 --> 00:43:46,933 My mother - I'm Italian. 944 00:43:46,933 --> 00:43:50,200 My mother is Italian and Native American. 945 00:43:50,200 --> 00:43:54,133 My mother is Italian and Indian Cherokee, 946 00:43:54,133 --> 00:43:58,900 and I look like a Tumblr page prescribe change farms 947 00:44:01,967 --> 00:44:03,433 I look like this, 948 00:44:03,433 --> 00:44:05,267 and that's the cause from my father's gene 949 00:44:05,267 --> 00:44:08,200 My father's gene is fair Tennessee redneck hobo-billy 950 00:44:08,200 --> 00:44:12,067 as far as as you see, 951 00:44:12,067 --> 00:44:13,933 and so my redneck gene does what they do best, 952 00:44:13,933 --> 00:44:18,300 that is to press all minorities in my body. 953 00:44:24,433 --> 00:44:27,400 And I am really qualified for financial assistance in college 954 00:44:27,400 --> 00:44:30,333 as a native American. 955 00:44:30,333 --> 00:44:33,667 I qualify for financial assistance, and you need money in college. 956 00:44:33,667 --> 00:44:35,367 You need money in college. 957 00:44:35,367 --> 00:44:37,367 I am bankrupt, and I don't want to take a student loan 958 00:44:37,367 --> 00:44:39,633 I don't, and you don't want to take a student loan 959 00:44:39,633 --> 00:44:40,833 Do you have a student loan? 960 00:44:40,833 --> 00:44:42,267 Are you Have student loans here? 961 00:44:42,267 --> 00:44:44,233 Some of you. You have to pay that crap back. 962 00:44:44,233 --> 00:44:45,900 Like, you don't just get that. 963 00:44:45,900 --> 00:44:48,600 That's not free money, and they will find you 964 00:44:48,600 --> 00:44:50,667 They must have found Bin Laden, like, ten years before 965 00:44:50,667 --> 00:44:53,833 if he has a student loan 966 00:44:53,833 --> 00:44:55,867 He must have been like, 967 00:44:55,867 --> 00:44:57,667 "I don't understand. I moved to a new cave. 968 00:44:57,667 --> 00:44:59,833 A week later, the notification arrived." 969 00:45:02,267 --> 00:45:04,433 So I qualify for financial assistance as a native American. 970 00:45:04,433 --> 00:45:06,067 You must be 1/16, and I am 1/8, 971 00:45:06,067 --> 00:45:07,467 and that's more than 1/16, 972 00:45:07,467 --> 00:45:10,067 so I fulfill the requirements, and I want you to find out something 973 00:45:10,067 --> 00:45:11,533 I don't accept it. 974 00:45:11,533 --> 00:45:13,167 I don't accept it 975 00:45:13,167 --> 00:45:15,600 because I'm fair can't justify it 976 00:45:15,600 --> 00:45:17,067 I can't imagine myself 977 00:45:17,067 --> 00:45:18,667 walk in financial assistance office 978 00:45:18,667 --> 00:45:20,500 and go, "Hey, where is my damn money? 979 00:45:20,500 --> 00:45:23,600 Like, I can't-- " Yeah, yeah, wigwams and bad luck. 980 00:45:23,600 --> 00:45:25,067 "Where is my damn money? 981 00:45:25,067 --> 00:45:27,467 " I will use every part of this buffalo 982 00:45:27,467 --> 00:45:29,400 "to kick your ass 983 00:45:29,400 --> 00:45:31,933 Give me my money so I can get it to the Ace of Base concert." 984 00:45:31,933 --> 00:45:33,867 It was the beginning of the 90s. 985 00:45:37,200 --> 00:45:42,167 I have the most intense existential, spiritual crisis, 986 00:45:42,167 --> 00:45:44,900 moral crisis standing outside the financial aid office goes, 987 00:45:44,900 --> 00:45:46,267 "I need this money. I have the right to do it, 988 00:45:46,267 --> 00:45:47,767 " But I can't accept it, Can I accept it? 989 00:45:47,767 --> 00:45:49,067 I don't know Should I take it? " 990 00:45:49,067 --> 00:45:50,800 And then I heard it whispered voice 991 00:45:50,800 --> 00:45:55,100 from Native Americans relative blows through my ears, 992 00:45:55,100 --> 00:45:59,667 " Christopher, don't take money um. 993 00:45:59,667 --> 00:46:04,100 Are not white people enough to take from our hands? " 994 00:46:04,100 --> 00:46:06,633 Then I hear a distant voice Italy goes relatively, 995 00:46:06,633 --> 00:46:09,800 " Just take the damn coin. 996 00:46:09,800 --> 00:46:13,600 It's-me, Mario. " 997 00:46:13,600 --> 00:46:15,333 And then I realize that my redneck gene 998 00:46:15,333 --> 00:46:17,400 forces me to do racist interpretation 999 00:46:17,400 --> 00:46:19,067 from my other ancestors. 1000 00:46:23,633 --> 00:46:26,300 Something that happens in the South and Midwest 1001 00:46:26,300 --> 00:46:28,233 that doesn't happen elsewhere, and I like it, 1002 00:46:28,233 --> 00:46:31,067 and that's when you go for a restaurant, 1003 00:46:31,067 --> 00:46:32,967 and the server takes you The food, they go, "Holler 1004 00:46:32,967 --> 00:46:36,267 if you need something else," and they go, 1005 00:46:36,267 --> 00:46:39,367 and I'm always so tempted wait five minutes 1006 00:46:39,367 --> 00:46:40,733 and then go... 1007 00:46:40,733 --> 00:46:42,500 [scream] 1008 00:46:52,667 --> 00:46:57,167 "Can I get some tomato sauce? 1009 00:46:57,167 --> 00:47:00,967 I just shouted, according to our agreement." 1010 00:47:06,500 --> 00:47:12,467 I am very excited to be American zombie therapist 1011 00:47:12,467 --> 00:47:16,400 I don't know it will be something. 1012 00:47:16,400 --> 00:47:18,133 I am a fan of 1013 00:47:18,133 --> 00:47:20,067 "The Walking Dead," fans of comics "The Walking Dead". 1014 00:47:20,067 --> 00:47:23,467 I get this job, talk about "Dead Road," 1015 00:47:23,467 --> 00:47:26,333 and that's very fun, and I like it. 1016 00:47:26,333 --> 00:47:28,233 I think that's weird always everyone kill pedestrians We don't know. 1017 00:47:28,233 --> 00:47:30,367 Maybe that's the most undeniable thing in the world. 1018 00:47:30,367 --> 00:47:33,067 Maybe it's the biggest feeling 1019 00:47:33,067 --> 00:47:34,333 You have experienced in your life. 1020 00:47:34,333 --> 00:47:35,900 How do you know that unless you are a walker? 1021 00:47:35,900 --> 00:47:37,433 Maybe it's just, like, one lasting orgasm 1022 00:47:37,433 --> 00:47:40,400 1023 00:47:40,400 --> 00:47:42,433 that never ends, which is possible 1024 00:47:42,433 --> 00:47:44,833 why are they like: [moans] 1025 00:47:44,833 --> 00:47:48,300 All the time. 1026 00:47:48,300 --> 00:47:49,533 People cut their heads away 1027 00:47:49,533 --> 00:47:50,867 They are like, "I'm not finished." 1028 00:47:50,867 --> 00:47:54,100 You know, like, they are just - 1029 00:47:54,100 --> 00:47:55,700 But that's good. 1030 00:47:55,700 --> 00:47:58,133 I am very proud to be able to sort into Oliver's cousin 1031 00:47:58,133 --> 00:48:01,767 from "Walking Dead," to sort Be this support character 1032 00:48:01,767 --> 00:48:03,067 is tangential involved 1033 00:48:03,067 --> 00:48:04,333 That's fun. This is good 1034 00:48:04,333 --> 00:48:05,800 Fans of "Walking Dead" are very passionate, 1035 00:48:05,800 --> 00:48:08,267 a passionate fan base, and I appreciate that 1036 00:48:08,267 --> 00:48:11,900 I know. Which is great, usually. 1037 00:48:11,900 --> 00:48:14,533 If you don't like something, Even though, there is no bueno ice, 1038 00:48:14,533 --> 00:48:17,300 because you are very vocal, right 1039 00:48:17,300 --> 00:48:19,067 You are very vocal on social media 1040 00:48:19,067 --> 00:48:21,067 For example, the first few years 1041 00:48:21,067 --> 00:48:22,467 that "Walking Dead" continues, they used to run 1042 00:48:22,467 --> 00:48:24,567 "Talking Dead" during "Walking Dead." 1043 00:48:24,567 --> 00:48:28,067 Now, I want you to know I have no control over that. 1044 00:48:28,067 --> 00:48:29,833 I don't ask to do that. 1045 00:48:29,833 --> 00:48:32,233 I did not tell them where to place the ad, 1046 00:48:32,233 --> 00:48:34,300 but people get very angry, and again, I understand. 1047 00:48:34,300 --> 00:48:35,667 Because you are watching an event like that, 1048 00:48:35,667 --> 00:48:36,967 You invested in drama. 1049 00:48:36,967 --> 00:48:38,667 You get empathy for characters 1050 00:48:38,667 --> 00:48:40,367 You really feel what you are feeling, and you are angry. 1051 00:48:40,367 --> 00:48:42,667 So some terrible things will happen, like Governor 1052 00:48:42,667 --> 00:48:44,333 will take Maggie's face 1053 00:48:44,333 --> 00:48:45,900 and slam it onto the table and then tear off the shirt, 1054 00:48:45,900 --> 00:48:47,300 and then it will be cut for me to go, 1055 00:48:47,300 --> 00:48:49,433 "The hashtag is Herschel's crazy stump." 1056 00:48:49,433 --> 00:48:51,800 And people will like, "Fuck, man. 1057 00:48:51,800 --> 00:48:53,433 You did this to Maggie." 1058 00:48:53,433 --> 00:48:56,667 And I like, 1059 00:48:56,667 --> 00:48:58,067 "I didn't do it." 1060 00:49:01,900 --> 00:49:03,467 But I have never - I mean, 1061 00:49:03,467 --> 00:49:05,967 this is more responsible than you can imagine 1062 00:49:05,967 --> 00:49:07,267 because I'm the first face 1063 00:49:07,267 --> 00:49:09,700 You see when your favorites are dead characters 1064 00:49:09,700 --> 00:49:11,367 You can imagine 1065 00:49:11,367 --> 00:49:12,967 Oh my God, this will go crazy 1066 00:49:12,967 --> 00:49:14,667 when they killed Daryl this is next season 1067 00:49:14,667 --> 00:49:17,367 Oh my God. No, what? Don't you joke? 1068 00:49:17,367 --> 00:49:18,600 This comedy show It's fun until now. 1069 00:49:18,600 --> 00:49:23,367 I have asked Robert Kirkman not to do that 1070 00:49:23,367 --> 00:49:24,833 I like, "I'm not fucking - I don't go 1071 00:49:24,833 --> 00:49:26,533 to work that day If you have ever done that." 1072 00:49:26,533 --> 00:49:28,333 1073 00:49:28,333 --> 00:49:32,533 I will not go to work, Because I will be blamed for that. 1074 00:49:32,533 --> 00:49:36,633 Like, can you fucking imagine days? 1075 00:49:36,633 --> 00:49:39,133 Exactly, like, the episode ends, and then he just dies like, 1076 00:49:39,133 --> 00:49:42,433 "Oh, my hair," or whatever, and he died. 1077 00:49:42,433 --> 00:49:45,100 And that only cuts me like, "Oh, damn. 1078 00:49:45,100 --> 00:49:47,833 " Okay, let's just calm down. 1079 00:49:47,833 --> 00:49:49,433 "Just put the knife. 1080 00:49:49,433 --> 00:49:50,933 " Well take your water, get your children, get your shit 1081 00:49:50,933 --> 00:49:53,667 "Head for mountains. 1082 00:49:53,667 --> 00:49:56,267 " I didn't do it. 1083 00:49:56,267 --> 00:49:57,667 Flarb? " 1084 00:50:00,533 --> 00:50:02,700 Very vocal people on social media 1085 00:50:02,700 --> 00:50:04,067 I still like social media. 1086 00:50:04,067 --> 00:50:05,400 I've been kind of built my life, my career, 1087 00:50:05,400 --> 00:50:06,700 "@midnight," like, everything, podcast 1088 00:50:06,700 --> 00:50:08,200 Everything is built on social media 1089 00:50:08,200 --> 00:50:09,233 I like social media. That is good. 1090 00:50:09,233 --> 00:50:10,400 I still like to sing a lot. 1091 00:50:10,400 --> 00:50:12,167 Twitter is a great tool because Twitter will answer any question 1092 00:50:12,167 --> 00:50:14,533 that you throw it away, there are questions. 1093 00:50:14,533 --> 00:50:16,967 For example, before I came to a city like this, I would go, 1094 00:50:16,967 --> 00:50:19,167 "Hey, Twitter, where is a good place 1095 00:50:19,167 --> 00:50:20,600 to get donuts in San Francisco?" 1096 00:50:20,600 --> 00:50:22,033 And Twitter will respond, "Fuck you 1097 00:50:22,033 --> 00:50:24,033 Daniel Tosh's rules." 1098 00:50:24,033 --> 00:50:26,233 1099 00:50:36,367 --> 00:50:39,967 It doesn't always answer the question you ask, 1100 00:50:39,967 --> 00:50:41,167 but that will answer 1101 00:50:41,167 --> 00:50:42,533 Social media is really great 1102 00:50:42,533 --> 00:50:44,533 if you are tired sane conversation, 1103 00:50:44,533 --> 00:50:48,200 or you feel too good about yourself 1104 00:50:48,200 --> 00:50:50,567 I also got a lot of trolls, and I'm fine with that 1105 00:50:50,567 --> 00:50:51,633 I understand. I know. 1106 00:50:51,633 --> 00:50:52,833 I understand. I'm trollable. 1107 00:50:52,833 --> 00:50:54,600 Douchey the white, I understand. 1108 00:50:54,600 --> 00:50:57,067 Very messy hair, tight pants. 1109 00:50:57,067 --> 00:50:58,633 I know I can be annoying. 1110 00:50:58,633 --> 00:51:00,133 Energy TV I like, 1111 00:51:00,133 --> 00:51:03,067 If you wet SpongeBob in water cocaine, right 1112 00:51:03,067 --> 00:51:05,700 I understand. Yay, everything is great. 1113 00:51:05,700 --> 00:51:07,700 I know. I realize. 1114 00:51:07,700 --> 00:51:09,600 My aesthetic design can be explained 1115 00:51:09,600 --> 00:51:15,233 as a lesbian hipster on the first date. 1116 00:51:15,233 --> 00:51:18,333 [applause and applause] You know. 1117 00:51:18,333 --> 00:51:21,200 Gay on the street, straight on the sheets 1118 00:51:24,100 --> 00:51:28,733 Metrosexual. So I got a lot of roll. 1119 00:51:28,733 --> 00:51:32,433 I have this crusty, Seacrest's outer skin, 1120 00:51:32,433 --> 00:51:34,133 but I have this springy, Bill Nye Center 1121 00:51:34,133 --> 00:51:35,567 who loves science and reason. 1122 00:51:35,567 --> 00:51:37,433 [applause and applause] I know. 1123 00:51:37,433 --> 00:51:41,500 Well, the problem is with trolls, You can't feed them. 1124 00:51:41,500 --> 00:51:44,900 I have been online since 1993, I have been online, 1125 00:51:44,900 --> 00:51:49,200 and I feel like I did best to learn, 1126 00:51:49,200 --> 00:51:51,067 but still is very difficult, right 1127 00:51:51,067 --> 00:51:53,200 But you have to understand, most are basically trolls, 1128 00:51:53,200 --> 00:51:54,667 like, a 13-year-old child who is like, 1129 00:51:54,667 --> 00:51:55,933 "I'm not guarded," and that's all. 1130 00:51:55,933 --> 00:51:57,767 That's it. 1131 00:51:57,767 --> 00:51:59,433 You fight with children. You fight with kids. 1132 00:51:59,433 --> 00:52:00,867 So this is what I say to a 13 year old child. 1133 00:52:00,867 --> 00:52:02,600 If you want my troll, it's fine. 1134 00:52:02,600 --> 00:52:04,067 You want to tell me I am stupid nonsense? 1135 00:52:04,067 --> 00:52:05,600 It's okay. Guess what, 1136 00:52:05,600 --> 00:52:07,067 I will not fight you on your battlefield again 1137 00:52:07,067 --> 00:52:10,267 You are my troll, I will make love to your mother 1138 00:52:10,267 --> 00:52:14,667 Yes, yes. And I don't mean that in figurative games form type 1139 00:52:14,667 --> 00:52:16,433 Like, I will all caps fuck your mother IRL 1140 00:52:16,433 --> 00:52:22,133 I can. He may be my age. 1141 00:52:22,133 --> 00:52:23,500 He might see "Dedicated." 1142 00:52:23,500 --> 00:52:24,933 I can really kill your mother 1143 00:52:24,933 --> 00:52:27,867 Yes. 1144 00:52:27,867 --> 00:52:29,100 [applause and applause] 1145 00:52:29,100 --> 00:52:33,833 Real hard, stick to the wall into your bedroom, 1146 00:52:35,700 --> 00:52:38,067 until you sleep soundly vibrating, and you have to restrain his voice 1147 00:52:38,067 --> 00:52:40,800 with your "Adventure Time" backpack 1148 00:52:40,800 --> 00:52:42,433 or Minecraft luxury items or whatever the fuck 1149 00:52:42,433 --> 00:52:46,700 [laughs] 1150 00:52:46,700 --> 00:52:48,600 1151 00:52:48,600 --> 00:52:50,200 Then I will be your stepfather. 1152 00:52:50,200 --> 00:52:52,067 I'll take your damn laptop You are punished. 1153 00:52:52,067 --> 00:52:54,633 There is another type of troll 1154 00:52:54,633 --> 00:52:57,067 it's just pure messy evil 1155 00:52:57,067 --> 00:52:58,467 They just want to watch the world is burning 1156 00:52:58,467 --> 00:52:59,767 You can't interact with these people 1157 00:52:59,767 --> 00:53:01,100 You can't feed them. 1158 00:53:01,100 --> 00:53:02,533 That is all they want. When you feed them, 1159 00:53:02,533 --> 00:53:04,067 when you interact with them, you give them control, 1160 00:53:04,067 --> 00:53:05,500 and that what makes them moody 1161 00:53:05,500 --> 00:53:06,733 That's what you do for them. 1162 00:53:06,733 --> 00:53:08,400 You can't do it, But like it or not, it happens. 1163 00:53:08,400 --> 00:53:10,067 1164 00:53:10,067 --> 00:53:12,300 You are on Reddit. You on someone's Twitter feed. 1165 00:53:12,300 --> 00:53:13,933 You are in a forum somewhere. 1166 00:53:13,933 --> 00:53:15,500 Someone says something crazy, 1167 00:53:15,500 --> 00:53:17,167 so you roll sleeve and go, 1168 00:53:17,167 --> 00:53:20,733 "Well, I think I will bring logic and reason for the argument." 1169 00:53:20,733 --> 00:53:23,933 Cut until three hours later. You cry over your keyboard 1170 00:53:23,933 --> 00:53:25,267 like, "I won't sleep 1171 00:53:25,267 --> 00:53:29,933 until you confess that you are stupid," 1172 00:53:29,933 --> 00:53:31,433 and never succeed. 1173 00:53:33,767 --> 00:53:35,600 I used to be upset about goods online I am sensitive. Most comics, sensitive players 1174 00:53:35,600 --> 00:53:37,700 We are sensitive, you know. 1175 00:53:37,700 --> 00:53:39,333 1176 00:53:39,333 --> 00:53:40,667 We may be rejected when we are young 1177 00:53:40,667 --> 00:53:42,767 I am of course, and we have insecurity, 1178 00:53:42,767 --> 00:53:44,533 and people poke on the insecurity, 1179 00:53:44,533 --> 00:53:46,267 and we are only human. So it's hard, you know, 1180 00:53:46,267 --> 00:53:49,367 when people say bad to you online 1181 00:53:49,367 --> 00:53:50,700 You know, you internalize it. 1182 00:53:50,700 --> 00:53:52,567 This is totally absurd your insecurity I experience stress. 1183 00:53:52,567 --> 00:53:54,500 I don't know if I'm doing good work in life or not. 1184 00:53:54,500 --> 00:53:57,067 I do the best I can. My father has the best philosophy. 1185 00:53:57,067 --> 00:53:58,367 My father has the simplest philosophy. 1186 00:53:58,367 --> 00:53:59,867 I'm very jealous of it. 1187 00:53:59,867 --> 00:54:01,800 He told me this Last year he was still alive. 1188 00:54:01,800 --> 00:54:03,700 He left-- I was depressed about something. 1189 00:54:03,700 --> 00:54:05,733 I'm like, "Yes, it just works, and it's online, 1190 00:54:05,733 --> 00:54:07,967 and I don't--" And he goes, "Hey, I'll tell you, buddy, 1191 00:54:07,967 --> 00:54:12,067 whenever you can take it Damn is good day. " 1192 00:54:12,067 --> 00:54:14,133 That's it. 1193 00:54:14,133 --> 00:54:16,733 He lives past or fails. 1194 00:54:16,733 --> 00:54:20,333 [applause] 1195 00:54:20,333 --> 00:54:23,067 I am not comfortable with this analogy 1196 00:54:23,067 --> 00:54:25,867 I'm not a stupid fool. 1197 00:54:25,867 --> 00:54:27,967 I don't like it. 1198 00:54:27,967 --> 00:54:30,100 I even have a red face talking about it 1199 00:54:30,100 --> 00:54:31,933 I can't-- I feel embarrassed 1200 00:54:31,933 --> 00:54:35,167 I can't enter the public. I will not go public. 1201 00:54:35,167 --> 00:54:36,600 If my body starts to roar, 1202 00:54:36,600 --> 00:54:38,267 I will fight my body like, "You live there. 1203 00:54:38,267 --> 00:54:40,167 You work for me, bastard." 1204 00:54:40,167 --> 00:54:42,333 Like, I became aggressive. 1205 00:54:45,100 --> 00:54:46,833 Sometimes things happen. 1206 00:54:46,833 --> 00:54:49,267 In the case of diarrhea, which is jazz from dirt. 1207 00:54:49,267 --> 00:54:51,267 That's just --- blah, blah, blah. 1208 00:54:51,267 --> 00:54:53,400 It's out. Blah blah blah. 1209 00:54:56,367 --> 00:54:57,833 [babbling] 1210 00:55:00,433 --> 00:55:01,633 What do I do in that situation? 1211 00:55:01,633 --> 00:55:02,933 I have to find, like, 1212 00:55:02,933 --> 00:55:05,100 the bathroom is hidden somewhere, like, 1213 00:55:05,100 --> 00:55:06,767 at an abandoned bus station. 1214 00:55:06,767 --> 00:55:11,133 It doesn't matter how far you think the bathroom is. 1215 00:55:11,133 --> 00:55:12,600 If it's more than one, 1216 00:55:12,600 --> 00:55:15,800 guaranteed you go there, and you feel comfortable, 1217 00:55:15,800 --> 00:55:18,367 some breaths will kick the door open, 1218 00:55:18,367 --> 00:55:19,567 squat beside you, 1219 00:55:22,067 --> 00:55:24,700 make every noise the human body makes, 1220 00:55:24,700 --> 00:55:27,100 take a dump who needs a birth certificate, 1221 00:55:27,100 --> 00:55:29,400 and then I just freeze. 1222 00:55:29,400 --> 00:55:30,700 I was frozen in the next shop. 1223 00:55:30,700 --> 00:55:34,100 I can't move. I can't move limbs. 1224 00:55:34,100 --> 00:55:35,267 I don't know what that is. 1225 00:55:35,267 --> 00:55:36,633 I just changed to this is a feared mammal 1226 00:55:36,633 --> 00:55:38,133 where I like, "Don't let him hear you. 1227 00:55:38,133 --> 00:55:39,167 That's how they get you." 1228 00:55:39,167 --> 00:55:42,700 Like, what am I afraid of? 1229 00:55:42,700 --> 00:55:46,067 I have a 45-minute deadlock Previous, where I like, 1230 00:55:46,067 --> 00:55:48,267 "I think I live here now." 1231 00:55:52,300 --> 00:55:54,467 And I will also say, 1232 00:55:54,467 --> 00:55:56,433 I believe that, you know, 1233 00:55:56,433 --> 00:55:58,733 No matter how unfair a man is many things are easier, 1234 00:55:58,733 --> 00:56:01,567 especially when it comes to body and function, 1235 00:56:01,567 --> 00:56:06,133 But women will never understand 1236 00:56:06,133 --> 00:56:08,200 despicable terror 1237 00:56:08,200 --> 00:56:10,533 urinating on the wall of the urinal 1238 00:56:10,533 --> 00:56:12,233 and then feel a drop of from something hit your eyeball. 1239 00:56:12,233 --> 00:56:14,700 Oh, I will die bad luck. I will die bad luck. 1240 00:56:14,700 --> 00:56:16,400 I will die. This is when I die. 1241 00:56:16,400 --> 00:56:18,500 I can trace it back for now 1242 00:56:18,500 --> 00:56:19,900 What do I do? Do I run to the hospital? 1243 00:56:19,900 --> 00:56:21,500 Am I digging my eyes? to save my body? 1244 00:56:21,500 --> 00:56:25,500 I will die bad luck. 1245 00:56:25,500 --> 00:56:26,767 Does it piss me? 1246 00:56:26,767 --> 00:56:28,200 Does it bounce other people's urine? 1247 00:56:28,200 --> 00:56:30,400 Is that the third, mystery item 1248 00:56:36,467 --> 00:56:40,067 woman: Oh, my God 1249 00:56:40,067 --> 00:56:42,567 - I feel like I understand dogs in this arena 1250 00:56:42,567 --> 00:56:45,833 I understand dogs, right. A dog knows. 1251 00:56:45,833 --> 00:56:47,700 Your dog knows the outside is to defecate. 1252 00:56:47,700 --> 00:56:50,400 He knows outside is to defecate, but they never leave immediately. 1253 00:56:50,400 --> 00:56:52,100 They must get comfortable first, right 1254 00:56:52,100 --> 00:56:53,900 They go, "Oh, too much smells here 1255 00:56:53,900 --> 00:56:55,567 Oh, it's too dark here." 1256 00:56:55,567 --> 00:56:56,933 You have to walk them all the way around the block 1257 00:56:56,933 --> 00:56:58,600 until their body can't hold it anymore, 1258 00:56:58,600 --> 00:57:00,233 and then they gnaw, and they are like, 1259 00:57:00,233 --> 00:57:01,400 "This happened!" 1260 00:57:01,400 --> 00:57:03,833 And, like, his ears come back. 1261 00:57:03,833 --> 00:57:05,833 By the way, that embarrassed look a dog is on his face 1262 00:57:05,833 --> 00:57:08,067 when it is - it is right right to see you must have, 1263 00:57:08,067 --> 00:57:13,900 that, "Don't look at me! It's not who I am! 1264 00:57:19,067 --> 00:57:22,533 " Don't tell anyone, don't tell anyone 1265 00:57:22,533 --> 00:57:25,833 Must bury the proof. " 1266 00:57:25,833 --> 00:57:27,500 And if I enter relationship with you, 1267 00:57:27,500 --> 00:57:30,333 you will never know is happening. = I will hide it from you. 1268 00:57:30,333 --> 00:57:31,767 I become embarrassed. 1269 00:57:31,767 --> 00:57:36,367 I will never cross that threshold 1270 00:57:36,367 --> 00:57:39,733 in a relationship my whole life. 1271 00:57:39,733 --> 00:57:41,067 1272 00:57:41,067 --> 00:57:42,967 1273 00:57:42,967 --> 00:57:44,800 1274 00:57:44,800 --> 00:57:47,067 1275 00:57:47,067 --> 00:57:49,567 that one time 1276 00:57:49,567 --> 00:57:54,267 I fart during orgasm 1277 00:57:54,267 --> 00:57:57,267 with a woman 1278 00:57:57,267 --> 00:57:59,800 I'm not alone. 1279 00:57:59,800 --> 00:58:01,700 One time I fart During orgasm, 1280 00:58:01,700 --> 00:58:03,067 and that's just, like-- 1281 00:58:03,067 --> 00:58:06,067 Like, I don't know what happened. 1282 00:58:06,067 --> 00:58:07,733 I think my body functions like, 1283 00:58:07,733 --> 00:58:10,067 "Oh, I guess we all come out," and then - 1284 00:58:13,133 --> 00:58:16,167 Like, no, 1285 00:58:16,167 --> 00:58:18,200 as I would theorize as 15 years old, 1286 00:58:18,200 --> 00:58:23,467 Give me a turbo boost, 1287 00:58:23,467 --> 00:58:26,700 only a slide quickly becomes embarrassed. 1288 00:58:26,700 --> 00:58:28,600 There is nothing you can say in that situation 1289 00:58:28,600 --> 00:58:30,067 None 1290 00:58:30,067 --> 00:58:31,367 You can't pretend like that intentionally 1291 00:58:31,367 --> 00:58:32,667 and be like, "Oh yeah." 1292 00:58:32,667 --> 00:58:34,500 Like, there is nothing You could say. 1293 00:58:34,500 --> 00:58:36,067 All you can do is get up and go, 1294 00:58:36,067 --> 00:58:40,500 "Thank you for your service," and enter the fire. 1295 00:58:40,500 --> 00:58:46,067 Where you will explode because You are a gas fart monster. 1296 00:58:46,067 --> 00:58:48,167 It's kind of nonsense It happens when you get older. 1297 00:58:48,167 --> 00:58:51,233 I don't know I don't know I'm afraid about that. 1298 00:58:51,233 --> 00:58:52,633 You know, my brother work at a cell phone shop in Tampa, Florida, 1299 00:58:52,633 --> 00:58:54,567 so he is happy, 1300 00:58:54,567 --> 00:58:56,500 1301 00:58:56,500 --> 00:58:59,067 and he sent me a text a few weeks ago, 1302 00:58:59,067 --> 00:59:01,767 and he goes, "If the others damn parents 1303 00:59:01,767 --> 00:59:03,067 " I asked, 'what is the cloud?' 1304 00:59:03,067 --> 00:59:07,333 I will hit them in the throat. " 1305 00:59:07,333 --> 00:59:10,433 And I go," Eddie, next time an old man said, 1306 00:59:10,433 --> 00:59:12,267 'What is a cloud?' Just go, 1307 00:59:12,267 --> 00:59:15,467 'Sst. That is the place You will leave soon. '" 1308 00:59:21,067 --> 00:59:24,133 So parents send SMS, and they are on social media. 1309 00:59:24,133 --> 00:59:26,133 They try to steal our teenage essence 1310 00:59:26,133 --> 00:59:27,900 like that" Cocoon. " 1311 00:59:27,900 --> 00:59:29,467 it's usually good. 1312 00:59:29,467 --> 00:59:30,900 I have friends His grandfather is 82, 1313 00:59:30,900 --> 00:59:32,500 and the main form communication is text. 1314 00:59:32,500 --> 00:59:34,233 They write to each other, and that's good because 1315 00:59:34,233 --> 00:59:36,267 they speak more than usual, like, 1316 00:59:36,267 --> 00:59:38,100 if they have to call on each other on the phone. 1317 00:59:38,100 --> 00:59:42,133 But somewhere along the line, someone teaches him all, 1318 00:59:42,133 --> 00:59:44,067 like, OMFG and WTFs, 1319 00:59:44,067 --> 00:59:46,933 and that just crawls it out Because it's just dissonant. 1320 00:59:46,933 --> 00:59:50,067 You just don't want the picture Your grandfather likes, 1321 00:59:50,067 --> 00:59:51,600 "Oh, OMG. 1322 00:59:51,600 --> 00:59:54,267 Do not believe one direction break again 1323 00:59:54,267 --> 00:59:56,767 Like, it feels creepy. 1324 00:59:56,767 --> 00:59:58,433 1325 00:59:58,433 --> 01:00:01,133 Maybe the abbreviation is not means the same thing to him. " 1326 01:00:01,133 --> 01:00:02,833 Right? He 82 1327 01:00:02,833 --> 01:00:06,267 He can be in terrible danger and just try to get help. 1328 01:00:06,267 --> 01:00:08,333 OMFG can be" Old man falls. 1329 01:00:08,333 --> 01:00:09,900 Guh. " 1330 01:00:12,433 --> 01:00:14,467 BRB," Bleeding. 1331 01:00:14,467 --> 01:00:16,467 Really bloody. " 1332 01:00:18,733 --> 01:00:22,667 WTF," Wednesday is the funeral. " 1333 01:00:26,733 --> 01:00:30,033 I had my first old moment not long ago. 1334 01:00:30,033 --> 01:00:33,700 I performed at Stanford, not far from here to 30 1335 01:00:33,700 --> 01:00:36,267 my favorite movie, "Back to the future." 1336 01:00:36,267 --> 01:00:38,133 30th birthday, 1337 01:00:38,133 --> 01:00:39,733 1338 01:00:39,733 --> 01:00:41,233 amazing movies, one of them the best film of all time. 1339 01:00:41,233 --> 01:00:43,467 Everyone sees it. Everyone likes it. 1340 01:00:43,467 --> 01:00:45,133 So I want to talk about that, right 1341 01:00:45,133 --> 01:00:46,700 I want to talk about it, Because it never makes sense to me 1342 01:00:46,700 --> 01:00:48,400 in the end why Doc Brown - Doc entered, 1343 01:00:48,400 --> 01:00:51,700 and he is like, "Marty, hurry, get into the car. 1344 01:00:51,700 --> 01:00:53,267 " We must return to the future. 1345 01:00:53,267 --> 01:00:55,233 "There is something that must happen done about your children 1346 01:00:55,233 --> 01:00:58,800 Fast, we have to go now." 1347 01:00:58,800 --> 01:00:59,833 Why? 1348 01:01:01,767 --> 01:01:06,500 Why? You have a bad time machine. 1349 01:01:06,500 --> 01:01:07,900 You have a time machine. 1350 01:01:07,900 --> 01:01:10,933 I've had a blue ball for 30 years, right 1351 01:01:10,933 --> 01:01:14,900 Can't I kick my boyfriend? in my douchewad truck right 1352 01:01:14,900 --> 01:01:17,167 before he will change face? 1353 01:01:19,233 --> 01:01:21,767 And you have to appear here, looks like a circus donkey 1354 01:01:21,767 --> 01:01:24,333 digging through the trash, 1355 01:01:24,333 --> 01:01:26,167 Doc hinders me 1356 01:01:28,967 --> 01:01:31,133 And like I am good describe like, "Hey, 1357 01:01:31,133 --> 01:01:33,333 are you excited? 'Back to the future?'" 1358 01:01:33,333 --> 01:01:34,667 Calm down, nothing They are really weird. 1359 01:01:34,667 --> 01:01:36,433 Nothing. 1360 01:01:36,433 --> 01:01:38,367 And then I realize 1361 01:01:38,367 --> 01:01:39,767 they have never seen the previous film 1362 01:01:39,767 --> 01:01:41,833 1363 01:01:44,800 --> 01:01:47,967 So I ask the sweeper in the front row 1364 01:01:47,967 --> 01:01:50,467 I left, "What year were you born?" He leaves, "1997." 1365 01:01:50,467 --> 01:01:51,700 I'm like, "Fuck, man." 1366 01:01:51,700 --> 01:01:53,167 Like, now I'm getting angry with him 1367 01:01:53,167 --> 01:01:55,900 for something It's not his fault. 1368 01:01:55,900 --> 01:01:57,233 How bad you are born 1369 01:01:57,233 --> 01:01:58,800 12 years late after the greatest film 1370 01:01:58,800 --> 01:02:00,900 in history - Do you understand? 1371 01:02:00,900 --> 01:02:02,267 It will be like When I go to college, 1372 01:02:02,267 --> 01:02:04,300 if there are creepy parents are on the stage go, 1373 01:02:06,700 --> 01:02:09,867 "in history entertainment. 1374 01:02:09,867 --> 01:02:12,367 " You little damn bag is too far from your own ass 1375 01:02:12,367 --> 01:02:13,767 to find out anything. " 1376 01:02:18,633 --> 01:02:20,500 just yells at them on the stage. 1377 01:02:20,500 --> 01:02:22,667 In my day, movies about important things, 1378 01:02:22,667 --> 01:02:23,933 like time travel, 1379 01:02:23,933 --> 01:02:25,333 and they teach us valuable lessons, 1380 01:02:25,333 --> 01:02:26,567 like always meet parents 1381 01:02:26,567 --> 01:02:27,900 at mall parking at 1:00 am 1382 01:02:27,900 --> 01:02:30,133 when he asks you to bring a video camera. 1383 01:02:37,400 --> 01:02:39,400 And when I'm your age, If you want to see breasts 1384 01:02:39,400 --> 01:02:43,067 on the Internet, you have to get them out of a coma. 1385 01:02:46,933 --> 01:02:48,967 We don't just have breasts whenever we want 1386 01:02:48,967 --> 01:02:54,500 Let me tell you about messy porn. 1387 01:02:54,500 --> 01:02:57,400 You have to sneak down to your parents' living room 1388 01:02:57,400 --> 01:02:58,533 at 3:00 a.m. 1389 01:02:58,533 --> 01:03:01,167 and turn on the 942. channel The screen is right all waving 1390 01:03:01,167 --> 01:03:02,867 You can hear noise. You just wait 1391 01:03:02,867 --> 01:03:04,500 for that to freeze something, 1392 01:03:04,500 --> 01:03:05,833 just sitting there like a sniper, 1393 01:03:05,833 --> 01:03:07,367 waiting for a clean shot 1394 01:03:07,367 --> 01:03:09,267 Is it breast, neck, 1395 01:03:12,333 --> 01:03:13,633 pussy, ass, elbow? 1396 01:03:13,633 --> 01:03:15,400 My generation jerks into more shoulders 1397 01:03:15,400 --> 01:03:17,800 than that in the history of of humanity! 1398 01:03:17,800 --> 01:03:20,233 Stop crying! 1399 01:03:24,633 --> 01:03:26,300 So I got engaged. 1400 01:03:29,767 --> 01:03:32,567 [applause and applause] I did it. 1401 01:03:32,567 --> 01:03:33,633 1402 01:03:33,633 --> 01:03:36,333 I am engaged. 1403 01:03:36,333 --> 01:03:39,133 I am engaged to a woman who has decided 1404 01:03:39,133 --> 01:03:41,733 to guarantee loyalty to me in the eyes of the government 1405 01:03:41,733 --> 01:03:43,600 Hahahaha. 1406 01:03:43,600 --> 01:03:44,933 So we are engaged, 1407 01:03:44,933 --> 01:03:47,533 and we are together about one year 1408 01:03:47,533 --> 01:03:48,600 when we get engaged, 1409 01:03:48,600 --> 01:03:51,500 and I know about six months. 1410 01:03:51,500 --> 01:03:52,867 I think I know about six months 1411 01:03:52,867 --> 01:03:54,667 in that he will be one, 1412 01:03:54,667 --> 01:04:00,633 and that's really - whenever in a relationship, 1413 01:04:00,633 --> 01:04:02,800 six months is about as long 1414 01:04:02,800 --> 01:04:04,367 because you can pretend to be someone 1415 01:04:04,367 --> 01:04:06,200 You are not, where you can hold it 1416 01:04:06,200 --> 01:04:08,733 the image is fake from yourself to others, 1417 01:04:08,733 --> 01:04:12,767 where are you, like, super cool with everything and super cold. 1418 01:04:12,767 --> 01:04:14,567 You are like Optimus Prime. 1419 01:04:14,567 --> 01:04:15,667 I can solve the problem. 1420 01:04:15,667 --> 01:04:17,300 I will save the galaxy. 1421 01:04:17,300 --> 01:04:19,133 Therefore, after six months, you are just like, 1422 01:04:19,133 --> 01:04:23,100 "It takes too much energy stone to -" 1423 01:04:23,100 --> 01:04:27,567 You only slide to Prime Pessimist. 1424 01:04:27,567 --> 01:04:32,067 Autobots, why bother? 1425 01:04:32,067 --> 01:04:37,067 My tank is always half empty too. 1426 01:04:37,067 --> 01:04:38,433 So there's only been so long You can hold it 1427 01:04:38,433 --> 01:04:40,267 fake images of yourself for others, 1428 01:04:40,267 --> 01:04:43,133 and if you know anything about me, you know that, 1429 01:04:43,133 --> 01:04:44,767 You know, I've handled a lot of my life 1430 01:04:44,767 --> 01:04:46,400 struggling with depression and anxiety 1431 01:04:46,400 --> 01:04:47,867 and lots of from brain things, right. 1432 01:04:47,867 --> 01:04:49,567 If you don't know What anxiety, 1433 01:04:51,667 --> 01:04:53,967 It's irrational, But it's a real thing. 1434 01:04:53,967 --> 01:04:55,633 Like, there are general anxiety, 1435 01:04:55,633 --> 01:04:57,567 which is like, "The world came out to catch me." 1436 01:04:57,567 --> 01:04:59,367 Then there's panic anxiety, 1437 01:05:01,367 --> 01:05:02,300 Like, after all. 1438 01:05:02,300 --> 01:05:03,767 And I am blessed with both. 1439 01:05:03,767 --> 01:05:05,333 I used to be afraid of lifts 1440 01:05:05,333 --> 01:05:06,900 and airplanes and out in public 1441 01:05:08,400 --> 01:05:09,800 that you need to live In modern society, 1442 01:05:09,800 --> 01:05:11,267 and I get more than that, 1443 01:05:11,267 --> 01:05:14,367 except fear that paralyzes from height. 1444 01:05:14,367 --> 01:05:17,067 I have a paralyzing fear of from height, 1445 01:05:17,067 --> 01:05:20,533 and not even "What if I fall?" 1446 01:05:22,800 --> 01:05:27,733 That happens, "What if I jump?" 1447 01:05:27,733 --> 01:05:30,867 What if I jump? What if I jump? 1448 01:05:30,867 --> 01:05:32,333 What if there is a light up? 1449 01:05:32,333 --> 01:05:34,600 What if synapses are lit around my higher reasoning, 1450 01:05:34,600 --> 01:05:38,400 and I like, "I don't know why I did this," and then - 1451 01:05:42,300 --> 01:05:43,900 "What if" question is the worst question 1452 01:05:48,100 --> 01:05:49,600 You never ask yourself "what if" questions 1453 01:05:51,733 --> 01:05:53,233 and they always start with like, 1454 01:05:54,600 --> 01:05:56,100 What if I never work again? 1455 01:05:56,100 --> 01:05:57,867 What if I die? "Like, That's how they all go. 1456 01:05:57,867 --> 01:05:59,133 What if I say something? stupid at a party because I can't handle Riding a windy mountain road, 1457 01:05:59,133 --> 01:06:03,667 can't handle it, 1458 01:06:03,667 --> 01:06:05,500 1459 01:06:05,500 --> 01:06:09,933 1460 01:06:09,933 --> 01:06:11,667 1461 01:06:11,667 --> 01:06:13,967 and my fiance, Lydia, and I go on a six-month trip 1462 01:06:13,967 --> 01:06:15,667 where I know we will have to drive 1463 01:06:15,667 --> 01:06:16,667 windy mountain road, 1464 01:06:16,667 --> 01:06:18,267 Zion National Park in Utah, 1465 01:06:18,267 --> 01:06:20,600 high-skyscraper mountain, a mountain 1466 01:06:20,600 --> 01:06:22,233 it's clear like, "There are no humans." 1467 01:06:22,233 --> 01:06:23,833 And we are like, "We will show it to you," 1468 01:06:23,833 --> 01:06:26,500 Because we have to fucking stick our noses are everywhere 1469 01:06:26,500 --> 01:06:28,233 So they build this windy, two-lane road 1470 01:06:28,233 --> 01:06:30,100 Along this giant path, 1471 01:06:30,100 --> 01:06:32,300 high-skyscraper mountains, and I'm very scared 1472 01:06:32,300 --> 01:06:34,233 During the week, I know this trip has arrived. 1473 01:06:34,233 --> 01:06:36,833 He will fall asleep, and I visualize success. 1474 01:06:36,833 --> 01:06:38,233 I visualize successfully 1475 01:06:38,233 --> 01:06:40,133 take it to the top from the mountain, right, 1476 01:06:40,133 --> 01:06:41,400 Because I want to be a big and strong man 1477 01:06:41,400 --> 01:06:43,133 and drive my girlfriend ride the mountain 1478 01:06:43,133 --> 01:06:44,667 But apparently I'm weak and weak, 1479 01:06:44,667 --> 01:06:47,433 and my boyfriend has to drive me up the mountain 1480 01:06:53,667 --> 01:06:55,833 Because we have, 1481 01:06:55,833 --> 01:06:58,067 like, 1/3 of the way up, 1482 01:06:58,067 --> 01:07:00,200 and only beads sweat starts to form. 1483 01:07:00,200 --> 01:07:02,333 Sweat starts to form, 1484 01:07:02,333 --> 01:07:05,067 and I'm starting to get - and he looks straight, right, 1485 01:07:05,067 --> 01:07:06,467 Because anxiety is like wild grass. 1486 01:07:06,467 --> 01:07:11,433 You think nobody knows, But everyone damn knows. 1487 01:07:11,433 --> 01:07:13,067 So he's like, "Are you okay?" 1488 01:07:13,067 --> 01:07:14,067 I am like, "Am I okay? Are you okay? 1489 01:07:14,067 --> 01:07:15,100 " Is any of us okay? 1490 01:07:15,100 --> 01:07:16,500 "I mean, we're on a big rock, 1491 01:07:16,500 --> 01:07:17,700 " glides as far as 1,000 miles an hour through space 1492 01:07:17,700 --> 01:07:18,933 We can [inaudible]. " 1493 01:07:18,933 --> 01:07:20,367 Now I start to hyperventilate, 1494 01:07:20,367 --> 01:07:21,800 and I try to disguise hyperventilation 1495 01:07:21,800 --> 01:07:23,433 as a wonder sound, like-- 1496 01:07:23,433 --> 01:07:26,400 [snoring] 1497 01:07:30,333 --> 01:07:32,067 And now we are at point where I can't look, 1498 01:07:32,067 --> 01:07:33,733 My eyes sting with sweat, 1499 01:07:33,733 --> 01:07:36,700 and my hand is slippery, and now it's no longer safe. 1500 01:07:36,700 --> 01:07:38,900 Now it's not safe to drive up, right 1501 01:07:38,900 --> 01:07:40,100 Now I'm a danger. 1502 01:07:40,100 --> 01:07:43,233 So we get around halfway, 1503 01:07:43,233 --> 01:07:45,767 and I have to pull over, and there are a few turnabouts, 1504 01:07:45,767 --> 01:07:46,967 and I pulled over, 1505 01:07:46,967 --> 01:07:49,633 and this is a very important moment 1506 01:07:49,633 --> 01:07:52,200 in our relationship because one Two things will happen. 1507 01:07:52,200 --> 01:07:53,867 He will like, "Of course, 1508 01:07:53,867 --> 01:07:55,300 I can drive, no big deal." 1509 01:07:55,300 --> 01:07:56,567 Or I'll be like, "Scary mountain." 1510 01:07:56,567 --> 01:07:57,833 And he will be like, "Pussy," 1511 01:07:57,833 --> 01:07:59,367 and just kick the door open, 1512 01:07:59,367 --> 01:08:01,067 climb the rest from the road to itself 1513 01:08:01,067 --> 01:08:03,067 This isn't too difficult. 1514 01:08:05,067 --> 01:08:07,233 And then I have to live there. 1515 01:08:10,567 --> 01:08:12,200 But he's really cool about that, 1516 01:08:12,200 --> 01:08:13,800 and he is like, "Oh, God, honey, 1517 01:08:13,800 --> 01:08:15,433 of course I will catch you to the top of the mountain." 1518 01:08:15,433 --> 01:08:18,500 In my head, I'm like, "Yes, I found that one." 1519 01:08:18,500 --> 01:08:20,067 Then we reach the top from the mountain. 1520 01:08:20,067 --> 01:08:21,600 He is like, "Let's go out and take the picture." 1521 01:08:21,600 --> 01:08:24,067 I like, "I almost found that one." 1522 01:08:28,367 --> 01:08:31,067 We have to leave and take pictures, 1523 01:08:31,067 --> 01:08:33,567 and it's like-- nothing - like, 1524 01:08:33,567 --> 01:08:36,233 I can feel the rooting of my stomach to the ground 1525 01:08:36,233 --> 01:08:37,433 even tells about that, 1526 01:08:37,433 --> 01:08:39,267 Because it's all steep, right. 1527 01:08:39,267 --> 01:08:41,133 There is no guardrail in nature. 1528 01:08:41,133 --> 01:08:43,667 There is no damn guardrail in nature. 1529 01:08:43,667 --> 01:08:47,067 Everything falls apart, and so, like, You take one wrong step, 1530 01:08:47,067 --> 01:08:48,733 and literally, your last thought is, 1531 01:08:48,733 --> 01:08:51,100 "I'm really scared!" 1532 01:08:55,500 --> 01:08:57,200 And by the way, fair people allow their children 1533 01:08:57,200 --> 01:09:00,533 run and down the side without - 1534 01:09:00,533 --> 01:09:02,933 I like, "Am I? the only sane person? 1535 01:09:02,933 --> 01:09:04,100 " You don't understand? 1536 01:09:04,100 --> 01:09:06,767 This is Darwin's shelf. " 1537 01:09:08,967 --> 01:09:12,400 [applause and applause] 1538 01:09:14,267 --> 01:09:16,567 Corral of your children Like, I don't know. 1539 01:09:16,567 --> 01:09:18,500 Do they like," Okay, That's how they learn "? 1540 01:09:18,500 --> 01:09:21,067 Like, I don't know . 1541 01:09:21,067 --> 01:09:24,267 We will make more. 1542 01:09:24,267 --> 01:09:26,133 And it's very embarrassing, 1543 01:09:26,133 --> 01:09:27,900 and he takes it very well, you know, 1544 01:09:27,900 --> 01:09:29,633 but it's very embarrassing ' 1545 01:09:29,633 --> 01:09:31,167 No anxiety - 1546 01:09:31,167 --> 01:09:33,767 Nothing women who have worked become frothy sex 1547 01:09:33,767 --> 01:09:36,067 with panic attacks 1548 01:09:36,067 --> 01:09:37,500 No woman has ever been like, 1549 01:09:37,500 --> 01:09:39,067 "Well, you can go down to me for a while, 1550 01:09:39,067 --> 01:09:40,933 "or we can talk about it various forms of cancer 1551 01:09:40,933 --> 01:09:43,133 maybe we have." 1552 01:09:50,633 --> 01:09:52,333 I am very lucky I have a very cool mother. 1553 01:09:52,333 --> 01:09:54,867 98% of him is one of the most amazing humans I even knew in my life. 1554 01:09:54,867 --> 01:09:57,067 2% will make excuses 1555 01:09:57,067 --> 01:10:00,567 worry about everything and plant it in your brain. 1556 01:10:00,567 --> 01:10:04,400 He is Edison who is worried. 1557 01:10:04,400 --> 01:10:05,733 He will create a reason worry about anything 1558 01:10:05,733 --> 01:10:08,633 Whatever, right 1559 01:10:08,633 --> 01:10:10,667 I live on a small hill, the road is wide, 1560 01:10:10,667 --> 01:10:12,567 and there are restaurants at the bottom of the hill. 1561 01:10:12,567 --> 01:10:15,167 1562 01:10:15,167 --> 01:10:16,733 So I'm talking to my mother the other day, 1563 01:10:16,733 --> 01:10:18,233 walking down the hill, and he goes, "What are you doing?" 1564 01:10:19,400 --> 01:10:20,900 "Oh, I don't think it's safe." 1565 01:10:20,900 --> 01:10:22,500 I'm like, "No, I've been long ago. 1566 01:10:22,500 --> 01:10:24,700 " I really understand this. This is very good. 1567 01:10:24,700 --> 01:10:26,600 I'm good. " " There is a car. 1568 01:10:26,600 --> 01:10:28,333 They come there. " " Yeah, I know, I know. 1569 01:10:28,333 --> 01:10:30,367 "But they are big, wood cutting machines 1570 01:10:30,367 --> 01:10:32,733 " I have succeeded far enough in living avoiding cars. 1571 01:10:32,733 --> 01:10:34,500 "Like, I'm good. I won't get hit. 1572 01:10:34,500 --> 01:10:36,033 Like, it's really good." 1573 01:10:36,033 --> 01:10:37,933 "Well, there are coyote in your environment." 1574 01:10:37,933 --> 01:10:40,033 "I know, but I'm big, monkeys that aren't hairy and gesticulating. 1575 01:10:40,033 --> 01:10:42,300 Like, I don't eat for them." 1576 01:10:42,300 --> 01:10:43,800 "Well, they travel with a wrap." 1577 01:10:43,800 --> 01:10:45,533 "This is not damn 'West Side Story.' 1578 01:10:45,533 --> 01:10:49,967 They won't come out with a leather jacket. " 1579 01:10:49,967 --> 01:10:52,567 * Boys, sons, human men 1580 01:10:52,567 --> 01:10:53,767 [snarls] 1581 01:10:53,767 --> 01:10:54,700 Like... 1582 01:10:58,267 --> 01:11:00,067 I go, "Alright, alright. 1583 01:11:00,067 --> 01:11:02,867 " I will only build cushions cocoon and stay in it. 1584 01:11:02,867 --> 01:11:04,467 Good? " " Well, you can suffocate. " 1585 01:11:04,467 --> 01:11:07,633 "Okay, I will move to a large open forest." 1586 01:11:07,633 --> 01:11:09,100 "Well, there are bears there." 1587 01:11:09,100 --> 01:11:11,067 "I will move to a magical forest." 1588 01:11:11,067 --> 01:11:14,467 "Well, Orcs first." Like, it's impossible 1589 01:11:14,467 --> 01:11:17,333 satisfying This woman's worry. 1590 01:11:17,333 --> 01:11:19,100 So now we just shout each other 1591 01:11:19,100 --> 01:11:20,767 along the way down the hill, argue 1592 01:11:20,767 --> 01:11:23,467 I arrived at the bottom of the hill Right as a handsome young couple 1593 01:11:23,467 --> 01:11:25,233 walking their dog through 1594 01:11:25,233 --> 01:11:27,567 hear "Speak Dead" go, "I am 43 years old. 1595 01:11:27,567 --> 01:11:30,667 I can walk down the hill with myself if I want, Mom." 1596 01:11:37,433 --> 01:11:38,967 I don't know, But it's interesting, you know. 1597 01:11:38,967 --> 01:11:40,567 When I think about inheritance, and I think of family, 1598 01:11:40,567 --> 01:11:42,133 and I think about it what I inherit, 1599 01:11:42,133 --> 01:11:43,833 I think I'm very lucky, But there are several things. 1600 01:11:43,833 --> 01:11:45,500 There are a number of things I am facing, 1601 01:11:45,500 --> 01:11:48,700 and now, when I stand at the abyss of marriage 1602 01:11:48,700 --> 01:11:51,467 and then children are not far behind, 1603 01:11:51,467 --> 01:11:52,900 I think what is like from my parents 1604 01:11:52,900 --> 01:11:54,167 I will be, you know 1605 01:11:54,167 --> 01:11:55,767 I'm not even sure I can have children. 1606 01:11:55,767 --> 01:11:57,467 I saw my doctor not long ago, 1607 01:11:57,467 --> 01:12:01,900 and he told me that my sperm was too selfish 1608 01:12:01,900 --> 01:12:04,700 to grow life 1609 01:12:04,700 --> 01:12:08,333 We call it narci-jism, and then we are high-fived. 1610 01:12:14,133 --> 01:12:15,967 But what will I do? 1611 01:12:15,967 --> 01:12:18,933 Like if I'm super an anxious person, 1612 01:12:18,933 --> 01:12:20,233 how it will help children, 1613 01:12:20,233 --> 01:12:21,867 You know, when they are in doubt, 1614 01:12:21,867 --> 01:12:23,600 or when they are afraid of from something? 1615 01:12:23,600 --> 01:12:25,400 My child will be like, "Father, dark is scary." 1616 01:12:25,400 --> 01:12:27,900 I will be like, "Fuck yes, that's right. You don't know what's there." 1617 01:12:32,133 --> 01:12:34,833 Monsters, maybe. 1618 01:12:34,833 --> 01:12:36,333 And that's all supernatural things 1619 01:12:36,333 --> 01:12:38,067 fear. 1620 01:12:38,067 --> 01:12:39,833 There is a small, microscopic Terror grows in your body 1621 01:12:39,833 --> 01:12:41,667 that can take you out anytime 1622 01:12:41,667 --> 01:12:43,400 When you are born, It's like someone sticking a pin 1623 01:12:43,400 --> 01:12:44,733 on the side of the balloon, 1624 01:12:44,733 --> 01:12:47,233 and your whole life is a big business 1625 01:12:47,233 --> 01:12:48,467 to distract you 1626 01:12:48,467 --> 01:12:53,200 from sound air out. 1627 01:12:53,200 --> 01:12:54,700 Especially all exterior things 1628 01:12:54,700 --> 01:12:57,133 In the world, like pollution and ISIS 1629 01:12:57,133 --> 01:12:58,800 and home invasion. I mean, 1630 01:12:58,800 --> 01:13:00,367 If I think about it, I might have to put a better key 1631 01:13:00,367 --> 01:13:01,933 at the door, but let's be honest 1632 01:13:01,933 --> 01:13:03,633 If someone wants to enter, they will enter, 1633 01:13:03,633 --> 01:13:05,333 which means I have to maybe buy a gun, but if I do it, 1634 01:13:05,333 --> 01:13:06,733 I'm statistically more likely to shoot you or your mother, 1635 01:13:06,733 --> 01:13:08,333 and guess what, more ghosts 1636 01:13:10,067 --> 01:13:15,067 and you have to do shitting Your pants every day 1637 01:13:15,067 --> 01:13:17,067 But... 1638 01:13:17,067 --> 01:13:20,300 [applause and applause] 1639 01:13:20,300 --> 01:13:21,933 On the positive side, 1640 01:13:21,933 --> 01:13:25,333 whenever you can take it Damn is a good day. 1641 01:13:25,333 --> 01:13:27,100 Thank you very much, everyone. 1642 01:13:27,100 --> 01:13:30,067 Thank you very much for coming. 1643 01:13:30,067 --> 01:13:31,167 You are amazing 1644 01:13:31,167 --> 01:13:32,533 Thank you, thank you. 1645 01:13:32,533 --> 01:13:36,067 Enjoy your burrito. Thank you. 1646 01:13:36,067 --> 01:13:38,133 Thank you. 1647 01:13:38,133 --> 01:13:41,267 [applause and applause] 1648 01:13:43,067 --> 01:13:46,067 [scary music] 1649 01:13:46,067 --> 01:13:53,933 * Submitted by: www.subtitlecinema.com