﻿1
GILLIAN: Okay, we are officially on the road!
Whoo!
Jack, is this recording?
JACK: Well, check if the red light's on.
GILLIAN: Can't see.
Oh, yeah.
There we go.
We are on our way. Smile at the camera.
No, not when I'm not driving.
You're such a miserable sod.
We're going on a camping trip. Be happy!
Yay! Five-and-a-half hours in a car!
The red letter day nobody wants!
GILLIAN: Aw, look, all the tents.
JACK: Yeah, tents, great.
GILLIAN: So here we are.
Everyone's having a lovely time in their tents.
And this is us.
Yep.
It's literally been several hours now,
and Jack still hasn't put up the tent.
Except it hasn't been several hours, has it?
And as you can see, we've gone for the...
less-is-more approach with the tent.
You don't like it, you can go bunk up with Weirdy-Beardy.
[LAUGHS]
It's fine, darling.
Here's to our romantic camping weekend!
- Okay. - Whoo-hoo!
- Ayes ayes ayes. - Ayes ayes ayes.
- Oh, that's disgusting. - [LAUGHS]
Jack, it's what it's all about. It's beautiful.
You must like this.
We're on private land. We're probably gonna get shot.
GILLIAN: Jack!
- Can't bring your phone with! - All right, all right!
GILLIAN: Jeez!
Two minutes!
JACK: Oh! Something met its end here!
Gill! Gill, come on down and come and see this!
GILLIAN: I'm really sad.
- No! - No, that's horrible.
You gotta come and see it!
The poor baby had a mom and a dad and friends.
He probably does.
I'm hungry. Let's go get some food.
And here she comes, finally!
Jack, give me the camera back.
No! Come on, just catch up!
Jack, don't film me when I'm tired.
I look awful.
You're the one who wanted to see the countryside!
Look at it! Isn't it beautiful?
Don't start.
Babe, can you remember which way we came?
I think someone's got us lost.
No. This way.
- Mm-hmm. - Come on.
Okay.
Jack, it's bloody dark now, and you've gotten us lost,
and I'm freezing.
JACK: Give me the camera. There's a light on it.
Here, get the lantern from my bag.
- [LOUD SNARL] - Shh, shh, shh!
- [SOFT GROWLING] - Oh, my God, what?
You hear that?
- Yeah, what is that? - [GROWL]
JACK: Don't know. Come on, let's move.
GILLIAN: Jack, slow down!
JACK: Come on, then. There's something behind us!
[GILLIAN WHIMPERING]
What was it?
[SOFT GROWLING]
Oh, my God, it's still there. Jack, it's still there!
- Come on! - [GILLIAN SCREAMS]
Gillian.
Gilly.
You just left me, you prick!
Shh, shh, shh!
Oh, shit. Jack!
- [GROWLING] - [SCREAMING]
GILLIAN: Oh, my God! Jack!
[GILLIAN SOBBING]
Oh, my God!
[PANTING]
- [WHIMPERING] - [BANGING]
Please, let me in!
Help me, help me!
Oh, are you all right there, my dear?
Oh, what's going on?
You can't just barge into my house like this.
I'm so sorry, but there's something out there.
I think it's just killed my boyfriend!
Please, I need to call the police!
Calm down, dear, no need to worry.
You're safe now.
No, you don't understand.
I need to call the police! It just...
It just grabbed him like he was a piece of meat!
What grabbed him?
I don't know!
It was huge! Oh, my God, Jack!
Oh, oh, you poor thing! You're shaking!
Come on, let's get you in the kitchen,
sit you down and get you a nice cup of tea.
No, I just need to call the police, please!
That's all right, dear. The phone's in the kitchen.
Come this way.
This way, my dear.
Take a seat with my boys.
Just popping the kettle on.
We don't often get visitors, do we, boys?
[DISHES CLATTERING]
Don't worry. They won't bite you.
Do you take sugar?
Um, just milk.
Wait, did you say you had a phone that I could use?
Oh, yes, sorry, dear. There's me being mother.
Two seconds, my lovely. I'll be right back.
Phone, phone, now where did I put it?
[DISHES CLATTERING]
So, um, how long have you guys lived here...
Oh!
Grub's up, boys!
Charlie!
Dinner time!
[GROWLING]
That's my boy.
♪ Carpets make your day ♪
♪ We're dashing through the lake ♪
- [STEREO BLARING] - [CAR HORN HONKS]
DRIVER: You fucking prick!
[CHUCKLES]
JADE: Dad!
- What is it? - Phone for ya.
Already?
Only just opened.
Who is it?
I don't know.
- Who is it? - Hey! Give it here.
Go and make us a cuppa.
Hello?
Oh, hello there, Mrs. Hanning. [CHUCKLES]
Yes, I've got my best team heading out to you.
Do not worry.
They're literally loading up now, okay?
Lovely. If you have any problems,
just give me a call, okay?
Thanks. Bye!
Morning, all.
JADE: Chris.
Ah, Christopher.
It seems your alarm clock is 10 minutes out of sync again.
You really need to look into that.
All right.
I had a... late night.
Ugh. Too much information.
I can't hear that kettle boiling, Jade.
[SCOFFS]
Oh, yeah, make us a brew.
Gosh, as if I'm not busy enough!
- Tash in? - She's out back loading up.
Yes, and can you go and help her, please?
It's a big job today.
All right, Nige. God, I ain't even had a tea yet.
Remember to make up for those 10 minutes
during your lunch as well.
Yeah, whatever.
Tash!
TASHA: Heads up!
Come on, watch the hair!
You vain sod.
Anyway, you're late, as always.
I had a bit of late one.
You know what I'm like when I hit the sambucus.
Stop, stop. I don't care.
Just get that on the van.
All right, chill out. What's the job?
Some old country house apparently,
in the middle of nowhere.
A big country house.
And here's your paperwork.
Have you got enough gripper on the van?
Yes.
And underlay?
Yes, Nige.
Okay, just checking.
It's a good job for us, this one.
Behave yourself, please.
Hold on, a full house?
Just you and me? That's bullshit.
Don't worry. Your best mates Dean and Colin will be there.
[SIGHS] Great.
I think I prefer just us doing it.
Where are they now, then?
Don't do it.
Colin, don't do it.
What?
You gonna hit a pipe.
I'm not gonna hit a pipe.
I am telling you now you're gonna go hit a pipe.
I'm not going to hit a bloody pipe.
How long do you think I've been doing this job?
[SIGHS] All right. Go on, then.
Oh, you didn't lay the wrong way around.
Oh, for God's sake, will you shut up?
I don't see you down here doing it.
And how am I supposed to fit down there with you?
And what's that supposed to mean?
[GROANS]
See? Told ya.
[SIGHS]
She ain't happy.
Listen, Nige, it's fine. She's all right with it.
And we told her these things happen.
What? Well, of course I rang the plumber, yeah, yeah.
Hey, hold on a minute.
Well, Malcolm has just turned up now.
Yeah. I know, big house, big job, big money, I get it.
Don't panic, all right?
We'll start loading up the van, and we'll head out there.
All right, okay. Okay, okeydokey.
Cheese. Bye, Nige. Bye. Bye.
He never bloody stops him.
- Morning, fellas. - Malcolm.
Oh, finally showed up now we've finished the job.
Where's your car?
Oh, yeah, sorry, man. I sorta lost it.
- You lost your car? - Didn't mean to.
I had a late night one, you know?
Hey, I got home okay, though, didn't I?
How did you lose it? I shouldn't even ask.
Can't remember.
Oh, well, these things turn up. They always do.
You see, they don't, though, Malcolm.
Your car keys maybe, but a little Fiat Punto
ain't gonna turn up on your windowsill, is it?
Oh, well, luckily, I left the keys in the car,
so at least I'll get them back at the same time.
Don't worry. He's just in a mood 'cause he's weed himself.
Oh, right, yeah, cool.
Overactive bladder syndrome.
That is common when you get to, like, your 50s.
- My nan had it. - Shut it, Malcolm.
I'm not even 50.
Lob your bike in the van and get in.
- Where we going now, then? - Gonna go meet Tash.
Your favorite, hey? Whoa, what you doing?
You in the back as well, mate.
Isn't that illegal, me in the back?
Not if you keep your head down.
Why can't I sit up there with you two?
Malcolm, apprentices have to sit in the back.
We've been through this. It's a rite of passage.
All right, then.
You say we're meeting Tash, yeah?
Wow. Can really smell the shit in the air around here.
[PHONE CHIMES]
[LAUGHS]
Aw, Craig's a player, man. Top lad.
Some funny shit!
What are you doing?
Craig sent me some pics from last night. Look.
Don't you think my arms look big in that shirt?
Is that Malcolm in the background?
- Is it? - [DEVICE BEEPING]
Don't remember seeing him out.
Look, forget your phone. Can you help me fix the satnav?
Chill out!
[SIGHS]
Look, it's broken anyway. I told you that last time.
What you reckon, new profile pic?
[SIGHS] Just forget your phone.
Just find directions.
I'll just ring Nige and ask him.
[PHONE RINGING]
This one here?
Oh, so lovely, so soft.
[RINGING CONTINUES]
Feel your feet on that.
[PHONE RINGING]
Phone, Jade!
Don't be shy. Take your shoes off.
Cupid Carpets. Jade speaking.
Dad! Phone!
Perfect color for this time of year as well.
[CHUCKLES] Who is it?
It's Chris!
[CHUCKLES]
Excuse me one second.
Don't let them leave.
Yes, hello?
The postcode is on the paperwork.
What?
Well, use a satnav.
Who broke it?
Sorry, mate.
You guys not been to this place before, no?
No, Malcolm, otherwise I wouldn't be working out
Nigel's useless directions, would I?
When did you start smoking, then?
Me? Oh, few years now.
[COUGHS]
- Want one? - No, thanks.
I don't think you're gonna impress Tasha with all that.
You know, she's a health freak.
Really?
Don't even know why I started, to be honest.
Only started last week. I think it's just a case of...
You're rambling again.
Aw, I just dripped egg all over the roadmap.
You're an animal.
Haven't you chaps ever thought about using one of those
satellite navigation thingies?
- I don't trust them. - Why?
I just don't.
Tell him why.
Because they're not always right.
Or because some people follow every instruction blindly,
even if it means driving into a fence.
Well, it said turn right, didn't it?
How many times did I say you're going the wrong way, Col?
Oh, look, there's a fence, Col.
We're going to crash, Colin.
- Is that true? - He's lying again.
Oh, I'm lying, am I? Let's go and ask the poor family
having their kid's birthday party in the garden, shall we?
Ask them if I'm lying.
Oh, he's over-exaggerating it a bit.
Anyway, shouldn't we be getting a move on, fellas?
Malcolm, you know the score. The quicker we get there,
the more work we're gonna have to do.
Chill out, they'll be fine.
♪♪ [OMINOUS]
CHRIS: When he said "big," I didn't think this kind of big.
TASHA: Well done, Nige.
Can see why he wanted all of us here.
CHRIS: Fucking great.
Enjoy the pie, boys.
[KNOCKING]
All I'm saying is I just either prefer
working on my own or with you 'cause the others do my head in.
Hello.
- Hi. Mrs. Hanning, is it? - Yes.
- We're from Cupid Carpets. - Oh, the carpet people!
Do come in, do come in.
Thank you.
Ooh, you're a strong man, aren't you?
The job keeps me fit.
I bet it does. I bet it does.
Just follow me.
Do you want me to show you around or...
You show us where the living room is,
we can set up in there, if you like.
Okay, my dears, this way, then.
It's nice and quiet around here, isn't it?
Yes. Just the way I like it.
This is the living room.
It should be no problem at all.
We don't use it much anymore.
We've got so many other rooms.
Jeez, look at this fella.
Could be from that film. What's it called?
That's an old relative of mine, my dear.
Quite a family heirloom, that.
We managed to move most of the furniture for you.
On your own?
My boys helped me.
We got rid of all the old carpets as well.
I know that can be a pain.
Yeah, you wouldn't believe what your carpets
will pick up over the years.
No, I can imagine.
Can I get you a cup of tea or anything?
Oh, yeah, tea would be great, thanks. No sugar.
One tea, no sugar. And you, my dear?
Oh, no, I'm fine, thank you.
All right, well, give me a shout if you change your mind.
- Seriously? - What?
Well, no wonder she lives all the way out here
'cause her family's well ugly.
You need to watch your mouth.
I speak to the customers, not you, simple.
Okay, okay, calm down.
Just making conversation.
Bet this place is haunted or something.
If you believe in that crap.
You could make a proper good horror film here, though.
They were just some ordinary carpet fitters.
She was a sweet old lady that lived in some crap hole
in the middle of nowhere.
Are you actually gonna do some work today?
Why don't you get that stuff off the van?
- Well, what you gonna do? - Prep upstairs.
Well, the others better hurry up
'cause I ain't doing all this on my own.
♪ Hey ♪
♪ No, you're outta the frame ♪
- [CLICK] - What are you doing, man?
You're doing my head in, giving me a headache.
- I was getting into it. - Yeah, I noticed.
Don't give up the day job whatever you do.
Oh, sorry, Col!
[SIGHS]
What's wrong with you today?
Nothing. What do you mean?
You're a miserable bastard, that's what I mean.
She's leaving me, Dean.
Who is?
Carol, my wife!
Jesus, you've met her at every Christmas doo
for the last five years!
Yeah, I know who Carol is.
Do you wanna talk about it?
No, not really.
All right.
Well, actually, if you must know,
she says I've become boring and predictable,
and I'm just not spontaneous anymore.
I mean, me, not spontaneous?
I get fish and chips for dinner every Friday night,
ungrateful bitch!
You let it out, mate. Better if we pull over, eh?
I mean, how am I suppose to fit it all in?
I'm trying to pay for the patio she's always wanted.
That's why I work the extra overtime.
No, I'm not silly, I know I might have
put on a few pounds since the '80s,
but we've all changed since then.
I mean, she ain't exactly Bonnie fucking Tyler.
- You know what I mean? - Sure, mate.
I mean, I try and do the right thing, settle down,
get a secure job, get married, have kids,
and this is what I get for it.
It's a joke, Dean, it's a joke.
I'm a joke!
Right, listen to me now.
You are not a joke, so pull yourself together.
You are Colin the carpet fitter,
and the best carpet fitter I know.
And carpet fitters don't cry, do they?
Hey?
No. So who are ya?
Colin the carpet fitter.
That's right, and what don't carpet fitters do?
Carpet fitters don't cry.
Exactly, and what are we gonna do now?
Go fit some carpet.
Good. Come on, then.
- Sorry about that, mate. - It's all right, mate.
You know where you're going, yeah?
I think so, I think so.
Just a case of staying positive.
No, I mean, you know where you're driving to?
♪♪ [HIP-HOP]
Here you are, my lovely.
Ah, thanks, love.
Cheers.
[KEYS JINGLE]
[LOCK CLACKS]
♪ I want to take you out to dinner ♪
♪ My darling ♪
♪♪ [CONTINUES]
What is this shit?
♪♪ [CONTINUES]
♪ For when we die ♪
♪ Wade through the line ♪
♪ The pending high ♪
Beautiful.
Thank you. Thank you for coming.
Thank you.
[SIGHS]
Tash!
I'm ready to fit down here now!
Shall we get the carpets off the van?!
Tash?!
Fucking deaf, man!
Weird.
Hello!
I can't seem to open this door!
Hello!
Old lady!
Anyone!
Hey, little fella.
Hey, look, take it easy, mate.
Look, I don't know what you want, but...
[SCREAMS]
Chris?
♪♪ [CONTINUES]
My fucking nose.
Sorry, Tash.
Fuck!
[SCREECH]
[SCREECHING]
Boys! Boys!
Stop it now!
[SCREECH]
Now let's get this stuff cleaned up!
[DOOR OPENS]
[FOOTSTEPS]
[GRUNTS]
[TASHA GROANS]
[GROANS]
[YELLS]
[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTS]
[GAGGING]
William.
What have you done to my boy?
Don't come any closer.
- I mean it! - [LAUGHS]
[THUD]
[GROANING]
Charlie!
Dinner time!
[LAUGHTER]
Boys! Come and help me clean this mess up!
Hello?
[LOW GROWL]
[SNARLING]
- [LOUD ROAR] - [SCREAMING]
Nice work, boys. Let's get this grub sold,
and then I'm gonna treat us all to a lovely lunch.
[ENGINE STARTS]
Tell you what. I'm glad I'm here.
I'm dying for a leak.
Oh, lovely. Grab the tools, then.
Come on, then.
- What was he crying about? - Oh, mate, leave it.
- Hello! - We at the right house?
Oh, I hope so 'cause there's nothing else around here.
- But where's the van? - What van?
The other work van.
Chris and Tash are supposed to be here already.
Maybe they parked in the back, skiving or something.
Someone better be in. I'm gagging for a piss now.
Look, that's our underlay in there.
Where?
Well, where they gone, then?
Chris!
Tasha!
Come on, let's have a nose around the back.
Malcolm, you stay there. Beep the horn if anyone comes.
Whoa.
I tell you what, mate,
I wouldn't mind a place like this when I'm older.
Yeah, Carol always wanted me to move out to the sticks.
Hey, Col, it's opened, mate.
Hello!
It's the carpet fitters!
Anyone home?
Well, I don't know.
Right, I'm going for a piss.
No, you're bloody not!
Dean! Dean!
Mate, I can't hold it. Two minutes.
That's not very professional!
[SIGHS]
[CLANK]
[METAL RATTLING]
[ZING]
[GRUNTS]
[GROWLS]
[CLATTERING]
- [WHISTLING] - [SPLASHING]
[ZIPPER ZIPS]
[TOILET FLUSHES]
[CLATTERING]
[GROWLS]
[FOOTSTEPS]
Oh, finally.
What's the matter with you?
Fingers.
What?
There were some fingers in the toilet.
What you talking about?
I just saw two human fingers floating about willy-nilly.
Not a turd or anything normal. Fingers.
Your eyes are playing tricks on ya.
You need to get some glasses, mate.
What you eating?
Little slice of this pie.
Chicken, I think.
Spit it out.
You just used the toilet without asking.
Hardly think they're gonna notice
a little sliver of pie missing.
There's a nipple in the pie.
A what?
There is a human nipple in the pie.
[COUGHS]
[GROWLING]
♪♪ [POP]
[SIGHS]
♪♪ [CONTINUES]
Hello?
Yeah, yeah, sure, Nige.
Yeah, sure.
Landing, stairs, hallway. Yeah, no worries, mate, yeah.
Well, I can fit that for you on...
on Tuesday.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[RATTLING]
No way.
Bloody hell, Col, there's toes in this as well!
[GROANS] Get me a bloody towel.
Do you reckon you just eat a bit of Chris or something?
[COUGHS]
[RATTLING CONTINUES]
Hello? Is someone there?
Malcolm?
Tasha, what the bloody hell you doing down there?
No time. Help me get these doors open now.
This is a wind-up, innit?
- [CHARLIE ROARS] - What was that?
Just get me the fuck out of here.
All right, all right.
Lads! Lads!
Oh, it won't open!
- Just do something, quick! - All right!
I've got an idea!
[COUGHING]
I knew that meat was funny.
Now do you believe me about the fingers in the toilet?
What you think is going on?
I don't even want to say it.
[HONKING]
Malcolm!
- What are you doing? - TASHA: Please hurry up!
- Is that someone down there? - Oh, my God!
This is like that Pretzel bloke!
It's Fritzl, you idiot.
It's Tasha!
Get me the fuck out of here.
Give me that!
Come on!
[SNIFFING]
[SNARLING]
[GROWLING]
Oh, shit.
Get these fucking doors open now!
- Are you all right? - Tasha!
- What is going on?! - [CHARLIE ROARS]
- And what the fuck was that? - Let's go!
- [ROARING] - Yeah!
- Malcolm! - Oh, shit. Sorry!
[ENGINE STARTS]
DEAN: Go, go!
- Oh, bollocks! - What now?
You left my toolbox in the kitchen.
Is that really important?
Well, they're my own tools. Expensive.
Carol bought me most of them.
Oh, fair enough, then, mate. Wanna nip in and get them?
We'll just wait out here and see if we get killed or not!
Jesus. I'm gonna buy you a new fucking toolbox.
Can we just get out of here?
- [GASPS] - [SCREAMS]
Tasha!
Dean, we're in trouble, mate!
[WHEEZES]
What you want to do?
Uh, hide!
They've already seen you, you wolly!
Come on!
Guys?
Is everything all right?
MALCOLM: What is going on?
Malcolm, stay in there. He ain't see ya.
- What are we gonna do? - We can make a run for it.
Ready?
[WHOOSH]
Get back, get back!
Get back!
- MALCOLM: What's going on? - Shit, and all of them.
Oh, God, now what we gonna do?
The house.
Back in there?
[SCREECHES]
Well, what are you waiting for?
- Now what? - Weapons.
- Weapons? - Have that.
I'm not working now, mate.
Use it to defend yourself with!
We're supposed to fight them off with these?
I don't think we've got much choice, mate.
There's one outside!
Move.
MRS. HANNING: We know you're in there, gentlemen.
What do you want from us?
I would've thought that was obvious by now.
She still want her carpets fitted?
We're intending to have you for dinner.
Move!
- Dean, in here. - Shit.
What are we doing?
Hide.
- And I suggest you do the same! - Brilliant.
[DOOR OPENS]
[GROANS]
Get off me, you fucking asshole!
Whenever you're ready, Col!
[YELLS]
Get back!
Get back! Get back!
[SCREAMS]
Come on!
[DOOR OPENS]
All right, that's it. We're well fucked.
This has got to be the worst job we've been on.
Get your phone out, ring Nigel, let him know what's going on.
Good idea, but it's at home on charge.
- What? - It was dead before I left.
- Where's yours? - Well, I left it in the van.
Oh, great. Good night, carpet fitters.
- We are dead. - Just calm down, all right?
We'll just stay here, and we'll wait it out.
Hey, Col, look at this stuff.
Bet it's worth a fortune. Where do they get it all from?
I don't know. Let's wait until they come down and ask them.
- As I suspected. - What's that?
These carpets.
Nigel was knocking them out dirt cheap in the shop.
Really? How interesting.
That old bird's been in the shop, you know?
I bet this one's worth a few pounds.
[SCREAMS]
[THUD]
Col?
You all right?
[GROANS]
Not really, mate. I just fell through the floor!
Hang on. I'll see if I can find something to get you out.
MRS. HANNING: Let's find the little bastards!
Shit. They're coming.
Well, go on, save yourself. I'm done for.
I ain't leaving ya.
Get to the van. My phone's in there.
Okay, okay. I'll be back, mate, I promise.
Just go!
Somebody's been playing with my toys.
[LAUGHS]
[GROANING]
[LAUGHS]
Come on down.
I'd like to see you make a pie out of me!
Silly fool.
I'm not going to eat you, but he might.
Who?
You'll find out.
[LAUGHS]
Oi, come back, you silly cow!
Oi!
Shit.
Col?
Dean?
Listen, guys, don't be mad.
I know you told me to stay in the van,
but it was dark, and it was hot, and it was...
Tasha!
[PANTING]
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Okay.
[GRUNTS]
Okay.
All right, mate, calm down.
I get it. You're pissed off
'cause the whole staple in the foot thing.
[SCREAMS]
[MALCOLM GASPS]
Shit.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Don't look at me. You shot him.
[SCREECHING]
You fucking little bastard!
Right! Before we get any more unwanted attention,
dispose of your brother's body, please!
Is she still in there?
Get her in for tomorrow's supper,
and please get rid of that bloody van!
If I have to see that fucking stupid logo one more time,
I'll have all your balls for breakfast!
Oi! Go hide your brother's body first,
then I'll let you have a bite.
Go on!
Get out and get on with it!
Come on to my land,
into my house,
and think that you can kill my boys?
You gob shites don't know who you're messing with.
[DISTANT SCREECHING]
Oh, for Christ's sake. What now?
[SCREECHING CONTINUES]
You all right, mate?
She trap you down here as well?
Somebody get me the fuck out of here.
- [BANGING] - [SCREECHING]
What the hell is going on in here?
[GRUNTS]
I take it you've let him get away.
This is ridiculous!
Well? You gonna go and find the little ginger bastard
or hang around me like a wet dog all day, hey?
Or do I have to do everything myself?
No, no, no, no, no.
♪♪ [POP]
Have you got through to anyone yet?
Nope.
Have you even tried?
Uh, yes, I've tried both Tash and Chris,
thank you very much.
No answer.
Right.
Give us the phone. I'll give Colin a try.
[SIGHS]
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello.
Colin?
Ah...
- [DIAL TONE] - Hello?
Why doesn't anyone answer their bloody phone?
What happened?
I'm not sure.
Oh, I hope it's not another plumber call out.
Keep trying them, hey?
♪♪ [POP]
Yes. Yes!
Yes! Lads! Lads!
Oh, shit.
Shit!
So you can't find the little shite anywhere?
If he's got out, we're ruined, do you know that?
When it gets dark, we'll send Charlie out after him.
Until then, start packing your stuff.
When Harry gets back,
we'll take a little holiday, I think.
[PANTING]
Yes.
Come on. [LAUGHS]
Yes.
[BEEPS]
Fuck!
- Okay. - [BEEPS]
Emergency. Which service?
Police, ambulance. Anything with flashing lights, yeah?
Sir, I need you to tell me which service you require.
Fire, ambulance, or police.
I need police, but probably an ambulance as well.
Connecting to multiple services.
- Thank God. - What is your location?
I don't know, I'm in the middle of fucking nowhere, mate!
Did you say Norfolk?
No, I don't know where I am.
What is the nature of your call, sir?
I don't know. It's been one of those days, you know?
Please calm down, sir, and explain the best you can.
Okay, right, where to start?
Um, well, I found some fingers in a toilet,
my friend ate a pie that had a nipple in it,
then the cannibals tried to get us,
one of them shot a spear through my friend's cheek,
and my other mate, he fell through the trap door thingy,
and he's still trapped down there.
Is there an adult with you?
I'm an adult.
[DIAL TONE]
Hello?
Oh.
Stay back!
I did warn ya!
[SNARLS]
[GROWLS]
Please.
I'm done.
[PHONE RINGING]
[RINGING]
Hello. Cupid Carpets. Jade speaking.
- Jade, thank God! It's Dean! - You all right?
Yeah, is your dad there? I ain't got long.
It's been proper boring here today, you know?
Jade, can you just get Nigel, please?
All right, touchy!
You haven't messed another job up, have ya?
'Cause he'll be well pissed.
Here he is now. Dad!
Dean on the phone.
Hello, Dean.
Please tell me it's all going okay.
Nige, it ain't gone quite to plan.
What do you mean?
What have you broke this time?
I swear, Dean, if you and Colin have botched this one up,
you better start looking for somewhere else to work.
No, listen, we are in serious trouble here, yeah?
[BEEP]
Listen, Nige, this is gonna die on me.
You got to get help. Get help to the house, yeah?
Hello?
Oh, come on!
[SIGHS]
He heard me. He must've.
What was all that about?
Not sure.
Reception's terrible.
I'm gonna head over there.
I can't afford this, Jade.
Bloody cowboys, the lot of them.
Have they messed up? Are you sacking them?
I'm not going to sack anyone yet.
Depends what's happened.
I trust I can leave you to lock up?
- Yeah, fine. - All right, well, I'll go over
and see if I can fix whatever mess they've made, then.
You get Natasha on the mobile,
see what's going on and let me know, okay?
Yeah, yeah, no worries.
Right, I'll see you later.
Tell your mother
I'm probably going to be working late.
Guess what, man. I finished early, yeah.
What you doing?
Malcolm, get the fuck in the van!
I think you've just killed someone!
I know. Don't worry. He was a cannibal.
Oh, I kind of feel less guilty now.
- Well, get in! - Okay.
What the hell were you doing out here?
Long story. See what they did to Tash?
- I know, mate, I know. - Have you called anyone?
I got hold of Nigel, and I think he's on his way out.
What a nightmare!
How many are there of these cannibals?
- Malcolm, you're a genius. - Huh?
There was three and the old bag.
Now that one's roadkill,
the fat one fell out the window.
That's who that was.
Which means it's just the big bald fella left.
We can take him.
Why have we got to go back in there?
To get Col.
[KNOCKING]
You!
Going somewhere?
[THUD]
Come on.
Where are we going?
Col's in the basement.
Keep 'em peeled.
Big fella's a sneaky bugger.
Quick, before he uses his giant fish gun!
[SCREECHING]
MALCOLM: You know that part where you said we can take him?
- Yeah? - That was a lie, right?
- In here! - [YELPS]
He seems really angry.
Probably 'cause you just punched his mother in the face.
You think reckon that's upset him?
Do you realize there's another door there, right?
[WHEEZING]
- [SCREECHES] - Sorry.
Malcolm!
[SCREECHING]
Please! No! No!
Oi!
Asshole!
[CLICK]
[CLICKING]
[WHIMPERS]
[GUNSHOT]
[GASPS] I got one!
Oh. Nice one, buddy.
[SCREAMS]
Dean!
Oh, bother!
[SCREAMS]
[THUD]
That old woman is doing my head in.
Let's go get Col.
Dean, what are we even looking for?
That, Malcolm.
And how are we gonna get down there?
I don't know yet.
- Still got your lighter? - Oh, yeah.
I don't have any cigs left, though, so...
No, so we can see what we're doing down there.
[GASPS]
- [SCREAMS] - [THUD]
[GROANS]
You evil bitch!
Malc!
Malc, are you alive, mate?
Malcolm! Malcolm, you there?
Fuck!
Col, you better be alive, mate.
Col.
Colin.
Fuck's sake.
Col!
- Come on, you bastard. - [FLICKING LIGHTER]
[GROWLS]
[SCREAMS]
[SNARLS]
You fucking stink.
Dean, now, mate!
[SCREAMS]
- [STABS] - [ROARS]
[ROARS]
Dean!
[ROARS]
[SHOUTS]
That's enough! Let's go!
What's the matter?
That looks like a nasty bite, mate.
You think I'm gonna turn into one?
Don't be so stupid!
Come on! Let's go! Let's go!
What the hell?
I'm gonna bloody kill 'em!
Hello!
Dean?
Colin!
Anyone in?
Can anybody hear me?
Mrs. Hanning!
Well, this is all seems a little bit odd.
[WHIMPERING]
[ROARING]
You find some backup?
- I found Malcolm. - Well, where is he, then?
He didn't make it, mate.
Poor sod.
[CHARLIE ROARS]
Over there!
Fucking wedged shut, mate!
This way!
Shit!
Hello?
Dean?
Colin?
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Hello?
Is anyone down there?
This is useless.
[PHONE BEEPS]
Hi, Colin, it's Nigel.
Can you give me a ring when you get this message, please?
I'm at the house, and there's just...
[COUGHING]
[THUD]
DEAN: Here, look, Col, look!
- Yes! - Oh, you beauty.
It's a way out, mate!
Yes!
[CHARLIE GROWLS]
Shit, Col, I think he's coming!
Go, go, go!
[GRUNTS]
[THUD]
[SIGHS]
Charlie!
We're leaving! [ECHOES]
I suggest you get your arse up here!
Time to go.
- You all right? - Yeah.
I just want to go and see Carol, mate.
You're not Charlie.
What did he say?
Col, look at his shirt.
[SCREAMS]
No, wait! What are you doing? Wait! Wait!
- Hey! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Easy, lads. Doing all right?
[COLIN CHUCKLES]
Oh, give us a break, hey?
Easy, lads, easy!
- Okay. - We met your mother.
- Col, there's some in there! - [COLIN CHUCKLES]
Oh, God.
What's he carrying?
Col, there's some behind us! Oh, it's a bloody ax!
What is that?
Oh, Col. Col, Col, Col, Col.
What are we gonna do?
Carpet fitters don't cry!
[SHOUTING]
♪♪
Subtitles by explosiveskull
♪ Catching up with my old friends ♪
♪ At Uncle Charlie's place ♪
♪ My pal says, Al, hey, check it out ♪
♪ Look who showed her face ♪
♪ We met two years before ♪
♪ But all would end in misery ♪
♪ Say what you may Fate has a way ♪
♪ Some call it destiny ♪
♪ How are you And yes, thank you ♪
♪ And all the pleasantries ♪
♪ Well, it's loud in here Let's go out there ♪
♪ And chew our old stories ♪
♪ Yeah, I recall the worst of ♪
♪ Though our love was bittersweet ♪
♪ You're overdue I'm someone new ♪
♪ At least that's what I think ♪
♪ Sure picked a fine time to come ♪
♪ For what was did couldn't be undone ♪
♪ Don't walk back in, then turn and run ♪
♪ Sure picked a fine time to come ♪
♪ Well, I dropped my aspiration ♪
♪ And I took a fall from grace ♪
♪ I fought for you I know it too ♪
♪ Some things never change ♪
♪ We've been down this road before ♪
♪ But there's light this time I'm sure ♪
♪ Yeah, I still got your photographs ♪
♪ And every single paragraph you wrote me ♪
♪ Just hoping ♪
♪ Sure picked a fine time to come ♪
♪ For what was did couldn't be undone ♪
♪ Don't walk back in, then turn and run ♪
♪ Sure picked a fine time to come ♪
♪ What the hell are you doing here ♪
♪ I'll drift in your atmosphere ♪
♪ Just like you to turn up out of the blue ♪
♪ When you're missing him ♪
♪ Sure picked a fine time to come ♪
♪ For what was did couldn't be undone ♪
♪ Don't walk back in, then turn and run ♪
♪ Sure picked a fine time to come ♪
♪ My pal says, Al, don't turn around ♪
♪ Let her walk away ♪