So, ladies...
straight to the high point of our meeting.
Our guest speaker.
I'm very pleased to welcome Alan Rathbone from York,
who's gonna be giving us a talk on the history
of the milk marketing board.
Thank you, Alan.
Good evening, ladies of the Women's Institute.
Ladies, I'd like to welcome Iris Benton from Ilkley.
She's come to lead us through the fascinating world of rugs.
I beg your pardon, Iris. I stand corrected.
It's not just rugs. It's all forms of carpeting.
Oh, thank God.
For a minute, I thought it was going to be dull.
Our 'round-the-world cruise started in September.
In Skipton. When we booked the tickets.
That's them.
They were a special offer.
And it was essential, my wife told me,
to book them before the 25th of the month.
Thank you.
I don't know about you ladies.
But can I just say, Pauline,
I had no idea that broccoli could be so intriguing.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
Now, then, ladies.
Can I have a volunteer to draw the raffle?
- No. - Yes.
- No! - All right, I'll ask him.
- Volunteer your own husband. - Oh, yeah, right.
What's Rod going to talk to the W.I. about?
Well, yeah, exactly.
That's exactly what John would say.
What the hell am I gonna speak about?
I don't care.
It's gonna be better than the history of the cauliflower.
Or whatever we've got waiting for us.
Annie, tell him.
John, the whole point of the W.I. is...
Listen to me.
Annie, what is the point of the W.I.?
"Enlightenment, fun, and friendship."
Well, there, you see? It's right.
It's them things.
In my case, it's something you did
because your mother wanted you to, and then she died.
One seed in each pot.
You're bloody useless, you are.
Oh, look. Is that all right like that?
I've done the Harman wedding, but the carnation table fronts
need to be done for that conference in Guiseley.
Good Lord. Nagging Lilies.
And I couldn't find the order form.
I thought after your fantastic reorganization,
all the order forms had to go on the bent nail.
Are you going upstairs to do your homework?
Am I bollocks?
What happened yesterday can't happen again.
Jem?
Mum.
Oh, you! Shoo!
You beggar!
Go on!
Oh, he's a little devil, is that crow.
He'll have all them seedlings if we don't do something.
Something we need to have a little chat about.
- Annie... - Don't leave me.
Hey, come here.
Hey, hey.
I'm not leaving you.
You soft girl.
At least I bloody hope not.
So...
You know, what kind is it he's got?
Says he's gonna call it "Saddam Hussein."
You should have told us. I'm your oldest friend.
You should've told me the moment you found out.
I did.
- No big hoo-ha, though, okay? - Okay.
It'll make it easier to get back to normal when he gets out,
and the tests are clear.
Yeah.
And everything.
All entries for the home and craft competition
to the W.I. tent immediately, please.
What are they? Hells Angels?
We're gonna make a move. We'll see you.
All right. See you later. Yeah.
- Oh, this is well done. - Right.
- "Garden in a plant pot." - We've done that.
"Straightest courgette."
"Most creative with an egg."
We've done everything, haven't we?
Look at 'em.
Highgyll W.I.
"Let's arrange our cakes 'round an old cartwheel."
Does look pretty, though.
Whose side are you on, Brutus?
I didn't mean...
What's your event, by the way?
"Tea tray on an international theme."
I did Jamaica. But it could be anywhere in the Caribbean.
If more people did W.I.,
there'd be half the need for hallucinogenic drugs.
Good. Ruth.
International tea tray.
"Victoria Sponge."
Annie's on Victoria Sponge.
"Something for under a pound"?
- Kathy. - Where's that?
What's that?
Well, Annie won't have had time,
running Yul Brynner in and out of Skipton General.
Ta-DA.
Oh, I'm sorry. Just took a bit long...
- Oh, my God, the cake. - Told you.
It's all right. Chris has saved the day.
You baked that?
I'm not a total dead loss as a woman.
I can't knit or make plum jam.
But I can bake a bloody Victoria Sponge.
Ooh. All right. Thank you.
I didn't bake this one.
I got it from Marks & Spencer's.
- What?! - The point is...
You can't enter a cake that you've bought in a shop.
It doesn't matter where it comes from.
This is about putting up a united front against Highgyll.
This isn't bakery.
It's Zulu.
On the ready.
Excitement in the main tent,
where the W.I. judging's begun.
Oh, yeah?
- Jury's back. - Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the winner of this year's May Wilkinson trophy
for Victoria Sponge, maximum 12-inch diameter,
I'm pleased to say, is entry number 213.
Nice knowing you, Chris.
Help me.
Oh, that's interesting.
Entered by Knapely W.I. and baked by Chris Harper.
Very, very well done. It's a beautiful cake.
Thanks very much.
And I'm proud to say this cake also wins
the judges' 2002 Discretionary Award.
That was really beautiful.
Thank you.
Listen, I never normally ask this.
The lightness of that sponge.
Is there a trick?
A technique how you got that?
Well, I basically stuck to me mother's advice
about cake baking.
Uh, which is line the bowl with butter.
Always use a warm spoon.
And if it's a special event,
get it at Marks & Spencer's.
Here comes...
Throw the cake at them.
Are you throwing my cake?
That is disrespectful.
This is very good.
Of course it's good.
They don't give the May Wilkinson out lightly.
In fact, I'm going to be asked to do
a master class at the W.I.
That'll be interesting.
Oh, well, wasn't I supposed to do one?
Something? Yeah?
For the W.I.? Or don't you want that?
Anyway, I tell you what.
If you want me to do it, you better get it in quick.
* Bring me my bow of burning gold *
- Go, go, go. - Kiss.
They're on "arrows of desire."
You're not going to Ilkley without a kiss.
I go every Thursday. It's not an overseas posting.
Kiss.
* Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand *
* Till we have built Jerusalem *
* In England's green and pleasant land *
Well, firstly, how else could we start
than by congratulating Chris
on not only winning the May Wilkinson
but also the judges' Discretionary Ribbon.
We're so pleased.
Now, the next item on the agenda is the calendar.
Last year, we had views of local bridges.
So this year, I thought we could go for
the 12 most beautiful views of...
- George Clooney. - ...the churches of Wharfedale.
11 fully clothed
and a little lift-the-flap for December.
Chris?
Yeah? Oh, no. No. Nothing.
She said, "George Clooney."
No.
No, Marie. I'm fine with whatever.
Churches of Wharfedale it is, then.
It should be George Clooney.
Come the toss between Burnsall Church and George Clooney,
I know which I'd rather wake up looking at.
It is a Norman church.
I'm not disputing the loveliness of the church.
It's the firmness of the buttocks I'm worried about.
You'll pull your drip out.
Anyway, let's face it.
Oh, hate to be a revolutionary.
It might actually sell a few copies.
The W.I. posing pouch calendar.
Flesh sells, I tell you.
Right. Decided.
So, where do we get a photographer?
Art college.
It's full of charlatans who prostitute their talent.
- Is it? - Yeah.
Lawrence was telling me.
Hey, you want to see this kid's photographs?
Yeah, look, don't go on about them.
He's taking some of me sunflowers
to see how they're getting on.
See, it's not your photographer. It's your models.
Professional models cost a bomb.
I'll model for you for nowt.
No, thanks.
I've just seen your backside. It's not like George's.
There you go.
Ow!
Oh, this bloody settee.
They're gonna need another relatives room.
For the relatives who got injured
on the settee in the bloody relatives room.
So, did you talk to the specialist?
John seems chirpier to me today. What's the old...
Pneumonia and septicemia.
Oh, well, that's good. I've heard of those.
They can deal with those, can't they?
It means his immune system's weakened.
Chemo isn't working.
Which means we're finally out of straws.
Don't you go buying any benches.
I'll do what the hell I like, John Clarke.
You put a bench out here,
It'll have "Leeds Stuffed Arsenal" on it
before you get back to the car.
Come on.
I've written me speech.
W.I.
All right.
I did it about me job.
And all this.
You read it to me.
"Flowers of Yorkshire are like the women of Yorkshire."
"Every stage of their growth
is more beautiful than the last."
"But the last phase
is always the most glorious."
"Then, very quickly, they all go to seed."
Oh, you.
Cheeky beggar.
Awhile ago,
I asked John Clarke to give us a talk here
at Knapely W.I.
Annie asked me to read it to you here tonight.
And this is what he wrote.
"The flowers of Yorkshire are like the women of Yorkshire.
Every stage of their growth has its own beauty.
But the last phase is always the most glorious."
"Then, very quickly, they all go to seed."
"Which makes it ironic.
My favorite flower isn't indigenous to the British Isles,
let alone Yorkshire.
I don't think there's anything on this planet
that more trumpets life than the sunflower."
"For me, that's because of the reason behind its name.
Not because it looks like the sun,
but because it follows the sun.
During the course of the day,
the head tracks the journey of the sun across the sky.
A satellite dish for sunshine.
Wherever light is, no matter how weak,
these flowers will find it.
And that's such an admirable thing.
And such a lesson in life."
You ran into a gate? How'd you do that?
You what?
He does a paper round.
It pays for his elocution lessons.
Yeah? Well, he's bent these good-style.
It'll be...
25 quid, that, love.
I have to have it.
Mum?
Ted, would you mind if I borrowed this?
No.
Moving gently into the locust.
And then we have...
...the lion.
I have to admit,
I'm concerned about our leader's grasp of Tai Chi.
And into the llama.
- Llama? - Llama?
Are there llamas in China?
Okay.
What?
Are you all looking in the right direction?
See you Thursday, girls.
- Bye, love. - Bye.
Bye.
How's Annie?
How can we help, do you think?
Are you doing anything tomorrow afternoon?
It is. I'm telling you.
Girls laughing is a good sign.
It's a top sign, I tell you.
Bloody hell, if you're in with Debbie Nolan.
Not being unsound here, but she has got the most fantastic tits.
She has got fine mangoes.
Actually, not mangoes.
I don't imagine they'd be hard like mangoes.
Maybe plums.
Ripe plums.
You know. Big, ripe plums.
No. What am I saying?
No. Not plums.
Balloons.
That's it.
That's exactly what they're like.
A pair of balloons you find behind your settee
three days after a party.
Gaz, will you stop talking about tits?
Why would I ever want to do that?
Well, I think it's a great idea.
You weren't concentrating, were you, Ruth?
I was.
We're going to raise money for the hospital
to buy a sofa in John's name.
By posing for a nude calendar.
Oh, no!
Oh, sit down.
I'm not asking you to straddle an Harley-Davidson.
It's still a leap from Burnsall Church.
But that's the whole point.
You see, it's an alternative calendar.
It's...
It's what John suggested.
Did he?
"The last stage of the flower is the most glorious."
What this would be saying is,
"Yes, John. Actually, we agree."
With respect, I didn't hear him use the phrase,
"Whip your bras off."
It's £999 in the leather, that sofa.
Can I remind you how much last year's calendar raised?
£75.60.
Are you having it?
We're having it, all right.
Come on, I'll show you it all.
Yeah, we'll get back to you. Thank you.
I don't know. She's being weird.
Normal weird or weird weird?
She found this.
You're kidding. "Big Bazookas."
I saw her looking at it.
God, I bet she went off her head.
My mum did when she found me "Rubber Housewives."
It's a difficult age.
Roundabout now, women go through a difficult age
when they get all irrational and odd
and difficult to predict.
How do you know?
Me dad told me.
Right.
- No. - Ruth.
I've got to go, anyway.
Eddie's getting back.
Nobody's going to see anything.
You take the picture.
I'm not quite sure how to shoot.
No, not yet. Wait.
You've just taken one of the table.
Won't sell a lot of calendars.
It's that button.
Right.
Can anyone see my nipples?
You would if it were your mum.
Look, what's she done?
Flicked through one jazz mag and looked at a mucky calendar.
That doesn't make her a lesbian.
Hi, Jem.
Your mother's just...
Just go on upstairs with your friend, okay?
How was Ilkley?
Hey, what are you doing up?
How'd it go?
Oh. You know.
They're not a scintillating lot. Carpet dealers.
They only get excited about bonded underlay.
Coming to bed?
Aye. In a bit.
Just having a wind-down.
I've come for my photos.
Can't find me little receipt thingy.
- The name's Har... - Here they are.
It's £4.99, please.
Thank you.
Keep the penny. Thank you.
I'm surprised they printed it.
It's probably on the Internet.
From the sound of it, most have seen it already.
For God's sake.
Lots of people have their photos taken
with their tops off on holiday in Ibiza.
I think it just probably came as a slight shock.
What with the previous 15 photos being of flower arrangements.
Oh, I've screwed up again, haven't I?
Yet again.
Whoa, whoa.
Look. What we have to ask ourselves here is this.
What is the difference between this
and the Venus De Milo?
Oh, I love quizzes.
The cooker?
Celia.
Both feature women with their breasts exposed.
What makes one a work of art?
I think the answer to that is very simple. An artist.
She's clever.
An artist.
She's lovely.
Lovely light you've used on the face there.
Really got her eyes, didn't he?
And all those curls.
Have you photographed humans, or is it mainly...
'Tis mainly poodles.
The blood represents globalization.
And the sheep's skull is the death of democracy.
And the carrot?
The carrot is capitalism.
Mainly orchids.
I'm particularly interested in woodland orchids.
And butterflies.
I love photographing native butterflies.
What exactly is your project?
Hello, ladies.
This is crazy.
He won't remember.
Must see thousands of people come through here every day.
Mrs. Clarke.
John's wife.
Yes.
Hiya.
Are you serious?
You got 12 women in Skipton who are all
committed to doing a nude photo shoot?
Well, technically, we haven't got 12.
So long as we can find the right photographer.
We've found the right photographer.
Are you going to commit to it?
You are?
Sorry.
Don't think of it as naked, Cora.
It's not naked.
It's nude.
Annie, I am 55 years old.
So, if I'm not gonna get 'em out now, when am I?
Book!
It's the showing-your-breasts issue that concerns me.
Well, I think the whole point is that we don't properly.
I know. That's what concerns me.
Yours are good, are they?
They're tremendous.
Jessie, we're getting to the point now
where we really need to commit.
- Now, I know... - No front bottoms.
What?
I mean, just as long as it's no front bottoms.
That's a sight I've reserved for one man in my life.
Do you think your husband will mind?
It wasn't my husband.
You've got a body worth looking at.
Just look at that parking.
Ruth.
Doesn't it annoy you when people take two spaces?
None of us have got a body worth looking at.
No, well, that's not...
We're not all Chrises in this life.
Some of us are Ruths.
I'm sorry.
Ruth.
Right. I did a bit of thinking about this calendar.
Okay, I think there's a trick we could play here.
At first glance,
it should look like your classic W.I. calendar.
You know, all your jams, cakes, sewing, and all that.
You know, everything you'd expect.
Except for one tiny thing.
The person doing it is naked.
It's perfect, Lawrence.
Really, it's perfect.
A different girl for every month.
In a different guise.
Painting. Press.
Until December, when I thought we could do a group photo of you
singing a Christmas carol.
- That's a great idea! - Great!
I like Father Christmas.
- Yes! - Fantastic.
There's just one problem.
What?
The photographer's a man.
But the point is, we won't be showing anything.
In the photos.
I imagine a considerable amount will be on display in the room.
That's a point.
He'll have to be in the room.
With us naked.
Yeah. Or nude.
No, listen. An art photographer doesn't see a naked woman.
He sees a life model.
Yes. No, the nudity isn't important.
Easy to say when you've got your knickers on.
He'll be looking at us as an artist.
- I've heard that one before. - Have you?
Look, he's not that kind of bloke.
I've heard that one before.
Where is he?
Lawrence?
I mean, have you any idea how intimidating it is
to come in here in front of you lot?
How much it's taken that young man to do that?
We're not gonna go around
parading ourselves in a room full of men!
This isn't France.
For God's sake.
Lawrence will set up the photo, leave the room.
Dressing gowns come off.
And one of us will click the shutter.
Right.
Lawrence?
I think these girls got something to say to you.
Sorry.
* I will not cease from mental fight *
* Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand *
* Till we have built Jerusalem *
* In England's green and pleasant land *
Right.
Has anyone any activities planned
we might want to seek approval for
at national conference?
Oh, yes. Always wise.
Wouldn't want to do anything without approval from national.
Not with Knapely being such a proud W.I.
With an unblemished reputation.
Where it would take only one small act
by a few rogue individuals
to ruin a reputation
that we've spent all these years...
All right. All right.
Look, we're planning a calendar for John, everyone.
Yeah.
It's to raise money
to buy something for the relatives room
in Knapely General.
And?
And with us on it.
One for each month.
And?
Well.
That's about it, really.
Naked!
Naked?
Not naked. Nude.
What's the difference?
Art.
And seeing Marie's raised the issue,
we're a good few months short.
Is that not because all this has the air
of another one of Chris' great ideas?
Like the vodka-tasting night?
No. Because I'm going to make sure this one turns out okay.
Because it's for John.
It was inspired by John.
And it's for John. And it's because of John.
And no matter what you might think of the idea,
you're looking at January.
February.
March.
'April! 'April!
Chris, do we have to make any special preparations?
Oh, no. No.
These pictures are going to be us as we come.
Oh, God.
Gray hair. Cellulite. The lot.
- Oh, no. - Oh.
Remember. "The last phase...
is the most glorious!"
Do you have any pictures of Rene Russo?
- That's very good. - Okay.
A week?
I know. But he's a client.
He does this new chain of hotels.
Northern summat.
Shall I come?
What?
Oh, save your sanity, love.
You know, it's carpet.
If I raced dragsters, might be worth watching.
I wanted to play next Wednesday.
But I've got a bloody corp meeting in Halifax.
Oh, darling. Come on.
Your hall's over there.
I'm coming, Frank.
T-minus two hours. Bras off to avoid strap marks.
As we speak, darling. As we speak.
Darling! Come on.
Good girl.
So, we're going to go?
- We're going to go. - That's the decision?
That's the decision.
We're going to go and tell them we're not going to do it.
I've never appeared nude in front of anyone in my life.
Not even Frank?
Frank's a major.
We approach nudity on a strictly need-to-know basis.
None of us have been here before, love.
I mean, for God's sake,
my John didn't see me naked until the spring of 1975.
What happened in the spring of '75?
There was a lizard in the shower block at Abergale.
Quite a few people saw me naked that morning.
Oh, that's not fair.
That's it.
Right.
Shit or bust.
All right, Lawrence.
Ready when you are.
- She's the first. - You're up.
They'll never go through with it.
I'll put it here.
Ladies, just bring the lamp up a bit.
Raise the lamp for me.
No, don't touch that. Don't.
Okay?
Right.
Annie? Chris?
- Can you clear frame for me? - Okay, yeah.
Okay. Celia.
Just lean in toward camera a bit.
Right.
Enough?
Perfect.
Okay.
Ready.
Okay.
Lawrence...
we're going to need considerably bigger buns.
Weren't the buns flat?
No. Don't mess with the buns.
I like them like this. They cover more.
No. Don't touch the composition.
No, but, Lawrence. Were the top buns flat?
Flat.
Yeah. But flat for us or flat for her?
Don't touch the buns.
Please.
Sorry.
Bad girl.
Bun toucher.
She's got to look relaxed.
I am bloody relaxed.
She's got to smile.
I am smiling.
Not too much.
I want it enigmatic.
She looks like she's seen
somebody she knows in the distance.
Left side up a little.
Your right side down a little.
And the middle section...
For God's sake. Get bloody Botticelli in here.
- Lawrence. - Hiya.
Get in here.
Chin down to your left.
You look beautiful, Celia.
Okay.
We're away.
I used to be in a band in the '70s.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Come on, Sugden. It's your own time you're wasting.
I was his junior school teacher.
Oh, Jessie.
What did we say about relaxing him?
What did she say about relaxing him?!
There's no e-flat in "Jerusalem."
I'll be disappointed if they're looking at me fingers.
All right.
Are you doing this one?
What's your name?
Ruth.
I'm Lawrence. Photographer.
One minute.
Lawrence. Lawrence, who's next?
Ruth.
- Ruth? - Ruth?
Ruth?
No. No, wait, Lawrence.
Right. Let's do it.
Could I have some privacy?
- No. - No.
Off...
Off! Off!
Off! Off! Off!
* We wish you a merry Christmas *
* And a happy New Year *
Congratulations.
It's a calendar.
Yes. Black and white with just one color.
Oh, I don't know.
300.
400.
No, 500 copies.
So how much would that be?
Thank you. Get back to you.
It's never that much.
Well, it bloody is.
We're looking for sponsorship.
And my husband always used your products.
He worked for the national parks.
John Clarke?
Yes. Yes. That's right.
He died of leukemia.
Aye, I know. I am sorry.
Thank you.
Well, what do you need sponsorship for?
Okay...
We're getting there.
But the sunflower needs to leap out at you.
More yellow.
Quiet! Look, look. You can't all be July.
It's my birthday in July.
My divorce came through in March. I'd like September.
Hi.
I'm not disturbing you, am I? I was just passing.
Oh, I bought...
They're nothing much.
Oh, Marie, they're lovely. Come on in.
I never felt I really knew John.
He worked for the national park, didn't he?
Mmh.
Annie, if there's anything...
These are beautiful.
What are they? Are they gerberas?
Gorgeous.
You should get away for a bit. Have a holiday.
Get out of Knapely.
Are you trying to get rid of me?
No, no. I just...
I feel I have to say something.
More tea?
No, no.
I know how difficult things must be for you at the moment.
How you must be feeling.
Do you?
Oh, dear.
Do you think John would have approved?
Really?
You didn't know John, you say.
No. But I know that he was a good man.
A decent man.
If your concern is for the reputation
of Knapely W.I...
No, that's not what I'm saying.
Marie, The W.I. is about doing good.
And I think we have to ask ourselves what does more good.
Knowing more about broccoli one week than we did the last?
Or providing some comfort for someone in the worst hours?
Because that's what it's like.
And, no, I don't think you do know how I feel.
Annie!
Result!
Oh.
Oh, hello, Marie. Sorry.
Were you...
I don't know.
Marie, had you finished?
Put a penny in with those. They'll last longer.
Chris.
What was that about?
Don't ask. What's the result?
I've got us a sponsor.
What?!
Pbbt! To those boring old farts at Carmichael Seed.
Say hello to the lovely people at Jennings.
The beer?
All our printing costs and a press launch.
All we have to do is put their logo at the bottom of each page.
The seed company made sense. Because John loved flowers.
But he never drank beer, Chris.
You know that.
It's not about the beer. It's about the money.
There it is.
Well, have a look.
Oh, it's beautiful.
Hello, is this "The Skipton News"?
Could I speak to your publicity person, please?
I want to make an announcement.
Sorry. Madam Chairman, can I just...
Madam Chairman. I'm sorry. Sorry.
It's Knapely.
- Sorry? - In Yorkshire.
Oh, charming.
I'm sorry to bother you in the middle of conference.
But there's an issue come up at my W.I.
which I feel duty-bound to inform you of.
Well, you'll have to be brief. This way.
Bastard!
She wouldn't have done it deliberately.
I hate to use the word...
- Well, don't, then. - No.
It might have slipped out.
Yes. To Brenda Mooney.
Who happens to be Madam Chairman of the national W.I. Federation.
Well, we could just...
Marie has deliberately poured poison down there.
Well, we'll just...
What? Do what? Do what, Ruth?
Please tell me.
Seeing as 500 calendars are being printed as we speak.
If we can't use the name "Women's Institute,"
we just don't use it.
If it's not the Women's Institute,
it's just a load of middle-aged women
mysteriously standing naked behind fruitcakes.
Oh, my God. It would look like pornography.
But I don't know what's on the order form.
Look, it's under the tin can where the bent nail used to be.
You're just gonna have to sort this one out on your own.
Why?
Where the hell are you?
Tell you later.
I'll be back tonight for the press conference. Bye.
Oh, good!
Chris Harper and Annie Clarke from Knapely
to see Brenda Mooney.
You're official delegates?
- No. - Yes. From Knapely.
Yes. From Knapely.
And you're to do an open spot?
- Yeah. Mm-hmm. - Yes.
All right. Follow me.
We're in.
What's an open spot? Sounds painful.
I don't know.
Very last-minute. Have to go on straightaway.
- On where? - Don't know.
Which W.I. are you?
We're from Knapely.
An awful lot of them.
Brenda... Mrs.... sorry.
Madam Chairperson.
Conference, please.
Sorry? I beg Your pardon?
Address the whole conference, please.
Come on. You can do it.
The final open spot of the morning
is the delegate from Knapely.
Knaperly-
Knapely.
I...
We wanted to come
to ask approval from...
Well, from you all.
We want to do a W.I. calendar
which raises enough money to buy
a chair or a seat.
A sofa.
Or anything, really.
Sorry.
Okay, so...
the thing is here is that
the hospital local to us in Knapely is where my John...
Where...
My husband...
Thank you, Knapely. Best of luck with the settee.
No, no. Just hold on.
Just hold on with your red light.
Sorry, does the other member from Knapely
want to say something?
Yes. Because she's about to commit heresy.
Hello?
Here we go.
- Oh, God. - Look...
I hate plum jam.
I only joined the W.I. to make my mother happy.
I do. I hate plum jam.
I'm crap at cakes. I can't make sponge.
Seeing as it's unlikely that George Clooney would come
to do a talk on "ER," there seems very little reason
for me to actually stay in the W.I.
Except suddenly I want to raise money
in memory of a man I loved.
And I'm prepared to take me clothes off for a W.I. calendar.
And if you can't give us
ten minutes of your time, Madam Chairman,
then, frankly, guys,
I'm going to do it without council approval.
Because there are things that are more important
than council approval.
And if it means that we get closer to killing off
this shitty, cheating, sly,
conniving, bloody disease that cancer is,
oh, God, I tell you,
I'd run around Skipton market naked, smeared in plum jam,
wearing nothing but a tea cozy on me head
and singing "Jerusalem."
Let's break.
Ten minutes.
We don't do nudity.
But we do do charity.
Can I assume this is a local fund-raiser?
You're not going to be making too big of a hoo-ha?
In which case, it's a branch matter.
And I can leave any decision
in the hands of your branch president.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
Oh, sod it. Go on, then.
Oh, God!
Did you hear what she said?
- "Evening News"? - Done.
- Did you invite "The Gazette"? - Yes.
So did I. We'll have two of them.
Here we go.
Thank you. Keep the change.
Oh, my God! It's half past!
Come on. The girls will have done
half the press conference by now.
Right. Where are we?
I think it's down here. Come on.
Oh. Here we are.
How many press releases did I send out?
How many soddin' press releases?
Bloody local paper.
What bigger than this has happened in Knapely tonight?
Someone's grown a U-shaped marrow.
We're going to lose money, aren't we?
Oh. Not only are we not going to raise it,
we're actually going to lose it.
I suppose we did promise it wouldn't be a big hoo-ha.
We tried.
At least you made that speech.
Yeah.
Well, it's not enough, Annie.
I'd rather not have tried than to have to face Marie and say,
"You were right. It was another one of Chris' ideas."
And what's worse. And this is a good one.
To add insult to injury,
I took me clothes off and no one was interested.
You after the W.I. thing?
- Yes. - Yes.
Had to spill over. They're in ballroom.
I don't think it's giving anything away
to say we did have wine.
Aah!
- Chris! - Celia!
- Chris? - Chris, could you take...
Ooh! Ooh!
Chris! Chris!
You're nude in "The Telegraph," dear.
Can you pass the bacon?
Open up, Maya, love. Will you?
I have, Mum.
We're full.
One minute, the dressing gown was on.
And the next, it was just me and the hat.
I'm standing here in the village of Knapely,
where the Women's Institute
has not only been raising money but raising eyebrows
by stripping for a charity calendar.
I'm thinking of taking it up professionally.
What's your family think?
I was worried that my daughter would be embarrassed.
But she talked me into it.
Any magazine offers?
It's his village, is Knapely.
The house he grew up in was down Embsay Lane.
And that church is where we got married.
Oh, hiya, Jessie!
Okay. Sorry.
Miss September.
It's done me a world of good.
So, Chris, what gave you the idea?
Oh. Excuse me.
Hiya, dear.
I brought my journalists to meet your journalists.
Hello.
To develop ideas and to have...
You know, after all,
the W.I. is about education and empowerment of women.
It's not just jam and "Jerusalem."
The W.I. nude calendar?
No, love. Sorry.
But I definitely sent you a batch of 50.
Look.
"Minstergate Bookshop. York. 50."
And I got 'em, love.
And I put 'em out at 9:00.
And at 10 past 9:00, we'd sold out.
Thanks very much.
Thank you!
Annie!
We've got to order more calendars.
We're down to the last 25.
What is it?
They were waiting for me.
Who?
When I got back.
Oh, my God.
Look at this, Chris.
It's happened to them.
Just like it's happened to me.
I'm going to help them.
"And your photo made me smile
for the first time in 15 months.
Now I smile whenever I see the calendar."
"Thank you, girls, for your bravery and beauty.
Best wishes, Vera Mason."
"It reminded me so of Arlene.
You seem to have the same spirit she had.
She would have howled with laughter at your photographs.
Thank you again. Looking forward to the next."
"I'm currently in the high-security wing
of Her Majesty's Prison Barlinnie in Scotland
and was mightily impressed by the sheer size of your..."
It's on! It's on!
Speaking to the instigator
of the world's first nude W.I. calendar.
Chris Harper.
So, Chris, tell us how it all came about.
You wouldn't associate the Women's Institute with nudity.
No, no. The usual image of the W.I. calendar
is of plums and jam and country views.
We thought if glamour photographers can do it
on a beach in Bangkok,
we could do it in a church hall near Skipton.
Fantastic.
We feel fabulously!
I was trying to get in there.
Middle age didn't put them off stripping.
Now these women are hogging the headlines.
Chris Harper's behind it all.
Rather than fall back on the usual twee landscape scenes,
she talked her friends into posing nude
for their Women's Institute calendar.
Not quite the jam and "Jerusalem"
the ladies are usually known for.
Chris says their husbands will never look at their wives
in the same way again.
Neither will the other members of this quiet little community.
Where are you going?
It's Thursday.
But you just got back from the conference.
Eddie, I've got a surprise for you.
I've had it.
I got it when someone in the petrol queue said,
"Ain't this tart with her tits out your wife?"
Eddie.
Eddie. I didn't do it just to...
I just...
Eddie!
Burston wedding today.
Morning, Jem.
I'm Gaz.
And we've got another order.
It's a massive order, Chris.
Guy's coming 'round at 4:30.
Got a meeting.
- When are you back? - Later. Bye.
When later?
Anyone seen Jem?
Normally more than one of you?
Aye. Sorry.
But my wife.
She's a bit busy at the moment.
Kids?
No.
It's some W.I. calendar thing she's organized.
She's on a chat show.
Not the calendar. The nude one?
Aye.
Well, we just bought one.
My wife came home.
Seriously. It's fantastic.
I'll tell her.
So, I've bought flowers off mister.
Come on, then. Which one is she?
January.
Suppose you're getting sick of all this.
Aye.
Oi, give us some of that.
Thought I'd find you here.
You all right?
You got any money?
I mean, what is funny, between you and me,
some of the blokes.
Frank.
His wife would hardly undress in front of him before.
And now, apparently,
you know...
It's not had that effect in our bedroom,
I can tell you.
Hardly see her.
Sorry. I can't resist this.
Mr. January.
You don't mind, do you?
Aye. As long as I don't have to take me clothes off.
* I will not cease *
* From mental fight *
* Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand *
* Till we have built Jerusalem *
I'll tell you. It's unbelievable.
Well, for the last two hours,
I have been exchanging phone calls.
With Hollywood.
What?! The real one?
No, Celia. The chocolate one.
Yes. The real one.
From who?
From the studio of a show with a man
whose name I've forgotten.
They're not coming all the way from America.
No.
We're going to do it on the phone?
No.
They only do face-to-face interview.
But if they won't come here or do it on the phone, how are...
Oh, my God.
Are we going to Hollywood?
NOW, you're joking?
Reynoldson. With a
Ohh, he's there.
Oh, please.
Could you put me through to his room?
Eddie?
Your toilet was broken. But I've fixed it now.
All right, lads.
Can I help you, officer?
You can put that joint out for a start.
Hollywood?
Well, it's not for fun. It's really important.
If we get on the telly in America,
it's fantastic publicity.
I mean, just imagine. The whole of America.
What about our business, Chris?
Or is that not important?
Can you get that?
I'm in a meeting.
Hello. Flower Power.
It won't be anything serious.
It'll be all right.
They're not charging him.
Why?
Is it not illegal, then?
Well, cannabis is.
But they tend not to worry too much about oregano.
Right.
Oh, Jem.
You stupid...
Oh, thanks, Mum.
- Jem. - It's all right.
We've already had a father-and-son.
You've got to sign something before we can go.
- Right. - Jem!
Would you like to come this way, madam?
Yes. All right.
Oh. Thanks.
Thanks very much.
- Good night. - Good night.
Where is it? Where the hell is it?
Passport.
I'm hoping they'll let me in with a few calendars.
After we've been on the telly, we might be able to shift a few.
Wait a minute.
The holidays are all different there.
Maybe we'll have to do a reprint.
You know. The American version.
So...
Your son's been arrested.
Yes, I know.
And released, Annie. With 10 grams of oregano.
The only thing that'd be dangerous in is a quiche.
But he thought it was drugs, Chris.
Do you want to stay?
Find out why?
Well, yes. I mean, I do, obviously. But...
Well, the woman in the studio contacted me, Annie.
I'm one who...
Chris. Chris, we can cope.
We're big girls.
Particularly Celia.
Hello.
I was wondering if you could quote me for some carpet.
You do sell carpets?
You are the owner of a carpet warehouse?
Sorry. I'm with someone.
I know. My husband.
I just came to Ilkley
to see what I wasn't as good as.
Okay. Well, you've done that now.
He told me you were the manager of a carpet warehouse.
Told me you were dead.
I think maybe I have been.
You are looking good, baby.
Sorry?
Which one of us are you talking about, Eddie?
The one that makes a tart of herself?
Or me?
Sod off.
Eddie.
No, no.
You stay and enjoy yourselves.
I'm off to Hollywood.
Eddie.
Sorry I'm late.
Frank was so slow.
Bloody hell, Celia. How many frocks?
And you'll be flooded out.
And if anything goes wrong, phone your Auntie Syl.
Aren't you gonna say, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do?"
You already have, Mum.
Right, everyone.
Has everyone got a ticket?
Yes.
A passport?
Yes.
A lying snake for a husband?
No? Only me there, then.
Let's go.
Hollywood, please. On your shiniest plane.
Sorry. You've come to the wrong desk.
- What? - What?
I have asked four people.
Each of them said we could check in for a flight at any desks.
We have queued for 20 minutes in the only queue.
And we were directed
to your desk by your representative.
Where precisely have we gone wrong?
There was no need to queue, madam.
You're all flying upper-class. You've been upgraded.
- First class! - First class!
First class!
I can check you in if you like.
- Thank you. - Thank you, dear.
What a nice girl. I knew she was a nice girl.
Celia, press the white button on the right.
I am doing it.
- It's coming down. - On the right?
Whoo-hoo!
- What? - Bye-bye.
Cheerio.
I'm going right under you, Celia.
Bye-bye.
Annie, I'm right underneath you.
I've got my foot stuck now. Ow!
Where are we, Cora?
- Hey, this is Sunset Strip! - No!
Cheerio, girls. I'll see you later.
What are you doing?
- I'm going up. - Be careful!
It's lovely. Come on.
Hey, how you doing?!
Hollywood! We're here!
Get down! Stop messing about.
Good afternoon, ladies.
Thank you, Ashley. I'll handle this.
Good afternoon. Welcome to Los Angeles.
- This is our first time here. - Is that right?
Clarke. Name's Clarke.
Mrs. Clarke.
Or should I call you Miss February?
I saw your picture in the paper this morning.
In an American paper.
Thank you, ma'am.
It's all right.
I'll just talk you through the facilities, okay?
Right.
All right, now.
There are two televisions. One on each end.
Both of which have cable TV, Internet access,
and Movies on Demand.
Now, there is also a full bar here.
But if you need anything,
don't hesitate to call downstairs.
Is everything okay, ma'am?
Oh, yeah. No, it's fine. It's just I'm a bit tired.
I'd like to go to my room now, really.
This is the hotel's master suite, ma'am.
This is your room.
Come on, I'll show you downstairs. It's beautiful.
Have you been in your bathroom?
Me too! I'm in the bath!
The bubbles. They're Christian Dior.
The bath bubbles! They're Christian Dior!
Do you think they'll charge us for it?
Oh! I hope not!
Oh, yes.
Nice! Good!
And then into the limo.
Into the limo we all...
That was very good.
Let me have a shot with you and the girls.
- No, no. - Oh, come on!
- No, no. - Come on, come on.
Give him a kiss.
British women are taking me hostage.
British women have taken him hostage.
Right!
What are we doing first, then?
- Chris! - Chris!
Oh, Chris! We never expected you!
Oh, you look gorgeous!
I'm very excited!
Oh, you look wonderful!
Look at you.
And look...
You're lovely!
That's fantastic!
Ha ha! Great, ladies!
Okay, we got another section coming up.
- Thank you very much! - Hey!
Bye-bye!
- Hold it, guys. - Thank you!
Ladies, please! Ladies, please!
We got a whole new section to do here! Come on!
Come on, ladies.
Ooh, it's freezing!
Stay home. Relax. Grow a beard.
Pretty girls. And just drink.
That's all I want to do.
Four pages, Annie.
The cover page and four pages about how I don't give him sex.
Oh. I just had to get away.
I mean, the press will be all over it by now.
So Rod's having to deal with all that on his own, then?
Well, him and Jem.
Slightly out of character, don't you think, for Rod?
Saying all that?
Did he get tricked into it?
Did you stay to find out?
Or by that time, was there a taxi waiting?
Are you all right?
Oh, yeah. Fine.
Annie. Chris.
This is Frank, Scott, and John.
They're in a band called Anthrax.
Hello.
We've heard so much about you.
We're impressed with what you're doing.
It is a great story.
Afraid we haven't heard anything about you.
Yes, I have, actually.
So have you had a think about that, then?
Yes.
Well, yes. It would be in that ballpark, yes.
Well, you know what?
Let me talk with my associates. I'll get back to you.
Okay. Bye.
- Thank you. - Who was that?
Very exciting. Very exciting.
I'll tell you in makeup. We're dead close to a deal.
Oh, that's him.
By the way, is it Leen-o or Len-o? Do we know?
- Len-o. - Are you sure?
No, it's Lee-no.
Len-o.
Not only will they sponsor the calendar in America
to the tune of $30,000.
But guess who will be in the studio
next to the one we're going to shoot the advert in.
What?
Guess who will be filming in the studio
next to the one we're shooting the advert in.
Advert?
They sponsor us. We do their advert for washing powder.
That's how it works.
George Clooney.
Can I have it straight, like Jennifer Aniston?
You know. In "Friends."
Why would I dye just part of my head?
It doesn't make any sense.
I do not dye my hair.
You may have heard about my guests.
They went from living a quiet life
in a small British farm town
to becoming nude calendar girls.
They're here to tell us the story.
This is the calendar.
Please welcome from Knapely, England, the calendar girls.
Come on out here.
Hello, girls. How are you?
How are you, girls? Good to see you.
Nice to see you. Have a seat.
Oh, just sit anywhere.
I'm curious.
Have you girls been strippers all your lives?
We're not strippers.
Now, did you get drunk beforehand?
It's no big deal, you know?
We've all got the same bits.
The same bits? Yeah. Yeah.
They're just different sizes.
Can I have some of them rice things?
- It's called sushi. - I know.
It's all suggestive, really, isn't it?
I could make a few suggestions, yeah.
Well, ladies, it's fascinating.
Good luck with your work.
And if you wouldn't just try to encourage more women
to get naked, I think...
Well, thank you very much. The ladies from Knapely.
I think we do have to work some kind of order out.
'Cause far too much of that, you couldn't hear what was said.
Annie?
What are you doing?
You missed it.
We were just on television. The whole reason we came here.
I thought that was to get away from the press.
Hello?
Is there anyone there?
Ah! There they are!
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Welcome, ladies. How are we today?
Fine.
Fantastic. Fabulenda.
My name is Danny. I'm the director.
And which one of you is Chris?
You are. You're Chris.
- Yeah. - Ooh! Hi!
Hi.
Exciting, hmm? Yeah, yeah.
Okay, now. Just to let you know what I've done.
Have cleared the studio of excess men.
That's a shame.
No. I mean I didn't want you to be walking around naked
in front of a bunch of guys.
Sorry?
We're doing the washing powder, right?
Hanging the washing on the line?
And naked behind.
I mean, there's not a problem with that, is there?
It is what you girls do, isn't it?
- Yeah. - Yes. Great.
No. Not now. I'm working.
GO, go, go'
Great! Beautiful!
I love this.
Ladies.
The time is now.
Roxanne. Carol. Hi, hi.
Nice to see you.
What do you think?
It's looking great, isn't it?
Thank you very much.
- Is the agency happy? - We are.
Thank you.
Hey, sweetie. What's going on?
Annie.
We'll be just a moment.
Annie.
Now, Annie, this is for the calendar.
We just do this.
We get the calendar out in America.
Look, are you gonna talk to me?
- I need a shower. - What?
Was it down here?
I feel dirty.
Your washing powder made me feel dirty.
My washing powder?
Down here.
Oh, I get it.
I see.
This is 'cause I've organized it.
Because I've made a success of getting us a sponsor.
And taken this out of being...
We're not just raising money for a relatives room anymore.
We're taking on the bloody disease.
The red light's on.
You can't stand it, can you?
You cannot stand that I've made this calendar a success.
No, see, what's happened is this calendar's made you a success.
What's that supposed to mean?
Where are we?
What is that supposed to mean?
Well, you don't ask me what it means, Chris,
when you're in a cardboard street
talking about meeting George Clooney!
Well, what's with all these letters, then?
All this bloody Florence Nightingale?
Doesn't that smack just a little bit of being a star?
Lots of people lose their partners to this.
I bet they don't all get fan mail.
Doesn't that make you a bit of a success?
A very successful bereaved woman?
A celebrity widow?
Saint Annie of Knapely?
I'm not a saint.
Because I'd rob every penny from this calendar
if it would buy me just one more hour with him.
You've still got yours.
And you're in Hollywood.
Oh, well.
Oh, Lord! It's Thursday!
Come on.
We've got to get in there.
Are you coming?
Hello, love.
* Builded here *
* Among these dark satanic mills? *
* Bring me my bow *
* Of burning gold *
How's Jem?
He made a quiche on Tuesday.
We've been stoned ever since.
Don't worry, Chris. He'll be all right.
Oh, Rod.
I'm sorry.
You don't have to apologize.
I do have to apologize.
Because everything you said in the paper was true, wasn't it?
I didn't know he was a journalist.
Isn't the point.
I mean, you still said it.
Why didn't you say it to me?
Why didn't you just shout out, "What the bloody hell?"
Yeah, I know you'd have liked me to.
It'd probably suit your story if I'd been,
"No bloody wife of mine." But I've not.
I actually think it's brilliant what you've done.
That's why I've stood behind you.
And I've told your son to be proud.
Because I actually wanted you to have all this.
Thank you.
Now, do me a bloody favor.
Get in that hall and sort out what's gone wrong with Annie.
I don't know what to say to her.
She's your oldest friend, Chris. You don't have to say anything.
Excuse me. Sorry.
Ladies. Ladies. Would you...
Ladies! Please!
Since we've stopped.
As it happens,
today, we've finally been sent the first figures
for the sales of our calendar.
Come on, May, where is it?
Right. Thank you.
It says here in this letter from Leukemia Research Fund
that we've so far raised £286,000.
So a big round of applause to all of us
for making it such a success.
We can get that sofa in the leather, then.
* And did those feet in ancient time *
* Walk upon England's... *
I've put our names down for next month's speakers.
"Chris and Annie. What we learned in Hollywood."
You're lying.
I know for a fact Colin Petley's coming from Keighley
with his tea towels.
Be still my beating heart.
Anyone fancy some chips?
- Oh, yeah! - Bloody good idea.
- God, yes. - I'm starving!
Calendar Gilrls (2003) 23.976 fps NTSC.