Why can't he use the doggy door?
He doesn't understand. It's too new.
Your dog?
Your house.
- Did you see the paper? - No.
The old man is stepping down.
- What? - Junior's taking over. The king's dead.
- What a way to let us know. - Tell me about it.
New York is putting him in charge of both magazines. Consolidation.
Sales is tight. There could be some layoffs in editorial, so watch your ass.
Hi, Mr. Gascon would like to see you. Mr. Gascon Jr., that is.
Hey.
- We're getting fired, aren't we? - I don't know.
Man. I just broke up with my girl last Thursday. That was stupid.
Now I'm gonna have no job and no girl.
I'll end up pushing mochas at Starbucks.
How about you, Quincy? You still going with that model?
- Helen. - Don't break up.
No stress. Tonight, we're announcing our engagement at the Zig Zag Club.
- You need to be there. - After work?
- Yeah. - After work could be in 10 minutes.
Mr. Gascon won't need to see you. Thanks.
- See? - Really? So I can go?
You can go. I'm sorry.
- Mr. Watson, he's ready for you. - Just me?
- Excuse me. - No, excuse me.
As you've probably heard, Quincy, the company's downsizing.
Yeah, I heard that.
I have a problem, Quincy. I've gotta let 15 percent of staff go.
It's unfortunate, and it's necessary.
Yeah.
Now, I see in your resume...
...you went to graduate school in psychology for a year.
Berkeley.
- You're familiar with crazy people. - Mostly from living in L.A.
Okay. What do you know about firing people?
- How's that? - I don't know. Firing.
Just laying off, in general.
Employee termination, yeah. There are several studies out.
I haven't studied it myself. Why?
Do you know the name Jeffrey Jasper?
- Yeah, the guy from New Jersey. - That's it. Got fired.
Got a gun. Got drunk. Shot 10 executives in the stomach.
Well, I don't want to be Jaspered. I'd like you to put together...
I don't know, a guideline or a set of procedural outlines.
Wouldn't Mr. Peters from human resources be more qualified?
He probably would. I fired him this morning.
He didn't like it. Said he'd kill me with a golf club.
- Mr. Peters? - A MacGregor 3 Iron. Very specific.
I'd like those guidelines on my desk by Friday afternoon.
- Is that gonna be a problem? - No, sir.
Helen?
Never can be too careful.
Watch out.
Oh, my bad.
You all right?
"See you tonight, love..." Love you too.
"Termination of Employees:
Psychological Strategies for Employers.
Got somebody you wanna fire?"
Q, relax. She's gonna be here, all right? Relax.
All right, hey. Let me get the toast.
- To my cousin Q. - Yes.
To having sex with the same woman for the rest of your life...
...over and over and over again.
In so many different positions. Don't you sleep on that.
That's what you need to do too. If she don't hurry...
- Relax. She's gonna be here. - I'm good.
- You good, but I'm... - There she is, right there.
There he go. There he go.
Where you been, huh? Everybody is waiting on you.
You got Evan, Greg, Lamont, Trey, everybody here. Where your girls?
- They're not coming. - Okay. Why not?
- I didn't invite them. - You wanna break it to them later?
What? You wanna get a little kissy or something back here in the back?
- I'm getting a bad feeling about this. - You don't wanna get engaged now?
Please don't be mad. But I think we should take some time off.
Away from each other. Think things through.
- For what? - Everything between us is too right.
- Too easy. Never dramatic. - What are you talking about?
I'm 25 years old and still waiting for that, you know, grand passion.
I mean, it's not your fault. You just don't do grand.
You don't do sweeping, romantic gestures.
Look, I wanna marry you. I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.
Ain't that grand and sweeping? At least sweeping?
See, you just don't get it. I need to be away from you for a while.
- What did I do to you? - I am so sorry.
You gonna make these people think I hit you. Where you going?
- It's not important. - It's important to me.
- You don't wanna know. - Girl, I wanna know.
- No, you don't. - Girl, you better tell me where.
What, you crying?
I'm going to Paris with Tony...
- You going to Paris with who? ...tomorrow.
You're going to Paris with my best man?
And I gathered these people to announce my engagement?
I was gonna send a letter, but it's not fair.
Are you high? Are you smoking? Write me a letter?
- Oh, write me a postcard from Paris? - No. It wouldn't have been a postcard.
You know that I love you.
Girl, I don't even know who you are. You somebody else right now.
You a alien right now. Helen, Helen. Girl, don't...
- I think she just kicked him to the curb. - Lord, have mercy.
Quincy.
- Quincy. What are you doing? - Hey, Mr. Gascon. Hey.
You got a handle on it?
- A handle on what? - On the firing.
Yeah. I've researched. Got everything together.
- Okay. All right. Excellent. - Yeah, yeah.
- All right, here you go. - Okay. All right. I see names.
- What is...? What is this? - Yeah. Well...
...it's just a little hands-on experience.
Right. I don't understand what you're talking about.
Come on. What? Don't go daft on me here.
- I'm not. Yeah. - It's a list of people who need to be...
...fired. - What? You want me to do it?
- Of course. You're the expert. - No, wait a minute.
I was just doing the research. I didn't know you were about to fire people.
Yeah. No, no. Well, see, I thought I was clear.
- No, no. - Well, then that's my error. All right.
- Sorry. Sorry. - Okay. Okay.
- Well, let me know how it goes. - Mr. Gascon, listen.
- I am not comfortable with this. - Well, of course not.
To feel comfortable, you'd have to be a monster.
- Yeah, yeah. - No, you're no monster. Neither am I.
- Right, right. - I just happen to be in the position...
...to delegate, and you are not.
Hey, good luck.
- Quincy. What's happening, man? - Hey, nothing.
- You look awful. - Thanks.
- Looks like it was quite a blowout. - Yeah, I was blown out.
- All right. So, what's up? - This and that.
- This and that? - Yeah.
- Sandra said you wanted to see me. - Yeah.
- So it's like that, huh? - Look...
That's cool.
Shit!
- Make sure Mr. Gascon gets this. - Sure.
Q.
Q. Come on, open up the door, man.
Oh, Q. Man, what you wearing, Q?
- You know, it feels good on my skin. - You gonna let me in?
- What you want? - That's for what.
Your mother, my auntie's been calling me...
...every day early for a week. She's worried about you.
- You can't call her? - Been busy.
- You been busy? - I've been busy.
- Move out... - Watch the piss.
- What's that? - You so in a hurry, you ain't looking.
Oh, no. No, no, no.
- See, this is disturbing, Q. - Kind of a mess, huh?
It's like an outer extension of disease. Where's your stuff?
Helen, you know, she took some stuff. Took a TV.
Left me with the dog and a half-naked picture of herself. Just evil.
- I gave her everything but my soul. - And I bet they want that too.
- Just greedy. - Don't give it to them.
All you gotta do is pretend to give it to them.
Why do I have to pretend? Why can't I just be me?
Nobody finds pathetic charming.
Was that cheese? Okay, look, I'm sorry about Helen, okay?
But you got to pull yourself together, bro.
- I been writing. - You been writing?
Letters to Helen. A few letters.
How many letters, Q?
- I could not get the right tone. - No, how many letters?
I just kept obsessing over the way she left me and what she told me.
Then it came to me, with my employee-termination research...
...that if Helen was my boss, then the way she fired me was bad...
...bad in every way. Public humiliation, conflicting messages, horrific timing.
Oh, yeah, I wrote a letter.
I wrote a letter detailing the disgust I have at her method and technique.
Her method and her technique for dumping you?
- Exactly. - Oh, okay, man. Where is this letter?
- I'm calling your mom. - Wait.
No, that is a scream for help. I'm calling your mother.
It started out as a letter, then it evolved into a manual.
A manual on how to break up with a lover...
...based on psychological and employee-termination research.
You're telling me you don't find any of this strange?
What's strange, huh? What's strange about it?
When you break up with somebody, and firing somebody's the same...
...you wanna do it the easiest way without producing a stalker.
- I call it The Plan. - The Plan?
The Plan. It is brilliant.
You got a table of contents?
I don't believe him.
"Committed or committable? Time to kill.
Location, location." Why break up at her place?
You control the duration of the breakup, leave when you want.
A person can follow you if you're at a bar, restaurant or hotel.
But ain't nobody leaving their own apartment.
- And the answering machine? - Change the outgoing message...
...to the mechanical one because a breakup-ee will call the breakup-er...
...just to hear their voice and then hang up.
And what that does, it creates a cycle of emotional desperation...
...especially if the message says, "I'm not here. I'm in Paris..."
You see, to me, falling in love is blissful insanity.
But breaking up, that's a rational act.
Now, how do we improve upon that rational act? We do it through science.
What were you planning on doing with this?
I'm...
I got a betty I been seeing for three months.
Chapter 6. Yeah. What's...? Capricorn?
- Aries. - Oh, yeah.
You wanna take this on a field test.
Quincy? We're gonna be rich, bro. We are gonna be so incredibly rich.
How to dress. How to act. What to wear. What not to wear.
All I've done is just research and realize that you can break up...
...but improve on it by the science.
- That's my boyfriend's cousin there. - Who's that, honey?
The guy on TV, talking about the book he wrote on how to break up.
Not exactly leading us out of the Dark Ages, is he? He's kind of cute, though.
- What's he like? - I don't know. I never met him.
- But I know he is one lonely puppy. - Why do you say that?
What woman would go out with a guy whose expertise is dumping people?
You got a point. Okay, here we go.
What's your love life like?
- Are you seeing anyone? - Give me a second.
So, what do you want me to do?
Something drastic. I've been seeing Evan for three months...
...and I really like him, but he's getting a bit twitchy.
You know how the fine ones are.
I think I need to shock him.
I need to shock myself. I had that dream again.
- The one with the straps? - No. The one with Halle Berry.
- So... - Dreaming of Halle before a haircut...
...is as clear a sign you're gonna get in this lifetime.
How does it feel to be in the building as an author and not a slave?
- I can wait by Philip's office. - I don't want you to be lonely.
- Lonely? - You gotta get out more...
...because it's depressing seeing you.
A fan wrote me a letter, said I was arrogant.
No, no. Let me tell you something. You have supplied...
...a humanitarian service to the world. - No.
No, listen to me. You should feel good about that.
How is anybody gonna find their one true love...
...when they're stuck in a bunch of dead-end relationships? Quincy...
...you are a love enabler. - I just need somebody normal.
Oh, see, there you go. There are no normal relationships. You know why?
Because there are no normal women.
You know what? A girl came to my crib. Never seen her before.
- Says that she dug the book. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait. A groupie.
Oh, my boy had his first groupie. Groupies are there to please, okay.
They're there to do whatever, whenever, however you want, kid.
- I couldn't close the deal. - Oh, Q! Don't tell me that, man.
Do you know what I'd do to get with a groupie?
If it happens again, you can pretend you're me.
I'm gonna do that. I gotta meet up with Nicky later. You wanna check her out?
- Nope. How many weeks she got left? - Technically, her time's almost up.
- But she's a little freaky. So... - You like her.
- No. - You gazed into just midair.
- No, I... - When you like people, you gaze.
All right, you know what it is? She has this long, black, thick, sexy, sexy hair.
- Just got the weirdest pain in my nuts. - I don't want to be staring at that.
Anyway, you'd like her, Q. She does physical therapy at the hospital.
- You know, she's bright. - Mulatto?
- No, no. A little cinnamon. - Okay. Bright like smart.
Yeah, bright like smart. She's tough.
She has body and that long, long, black hair.
Oh, shit, there it is again.
Boy, you are too old to be having the crabs.
You been putting that where you ain't supposed to?
It's a very social organ, but...
- Yo. - He's ready for you.
Okay. All I'm saying is that one day a girl's gonna dump you...
...before you dump her. It's gonna have you very Eric Benet: Sensitive.
- Don't jinx me. - I'm not jinxing you.
She's gonna hide things from you.
The next thing you know, she's gonna give you those fatal words:
"Baby, I think we need to talk."
- Respond to the door. - Okay, fine. I'm out.
- Twist it, respond, out. - Need something from the clinic?
- Hey. - Hey.
- Author, author. Good to see you. - King Author, baby. King Author.
- What's cracking? - Well, yeah.
- Ready to do the second printing? - Let's get cracking.
- Publishing boys treating you right? - Pretty decent.
That book is just the beginning too.
I'm seeing the whole line now of Spoil books.
Spoil's Guide to Sex. Spoil's Guide to Golf.
- Spoil's Guide to Pimping. - I'm branding the whole damn world.
- Yeah. - Okay.
Guess you're wondering why I asked you up here.
- Yeah, why am I here? - Okay, just... Why don't you sit.
Let me just put it right out on the table. I need your help.
- With what? - Firing somebody.
Which is not the right word. More "letting go," "getting rid of," "losing."
- Another employee? - It's my girlfriend.
You want me to help you fire your girl?
Well, no, if only you could. No, no. I've gotta do this myself.
I'm not gonna delegate this. I would if I could, but I can't. It's just...
...I am at my wit's end. This woman... God, she has a power over me.
Just a... It's like a voodoo, hoodoo, she do! She's got me.
I am... I'm not in control.
No. This is not me.
Hi, it's Sandra.
You asked me to tell you if there was anything to know.
- Mr. Gascon has brought in a ringer. - I need a professional.
- Breakup professional? - Breakup professional.
- Me? - You.
- Him. - You've got to help me.
No, it's a disaster. My God. Amy, I look like a bigheaded alien.
No, Evan's gonna freak. No, I don't know what I did. It's ugly.
Oh, Jesus. Would you stop with the "perfect couple" crap?
No, no, I don't look like Halle Berry. I look like her Yorkshire terrier.
Okay. No, I gotta go.
Nicky.
- Nicky. - I'm in the bedroom.
All right, come on. We're gonna be late.
- Did you hear me? - I'm not coming out.
- What? - Never. I'm never coming out.
- What are you doing up there? - Nothing.
You're doing nothing in the bedroom?
- Yeah. - And why are you never coming out?
- Because I'm hiding. - And why are you hiding?
Baby, we need to talk.
Damn, he did jinx me.
Prepare yourself.
God.
Evan?
Hey, Evan?
Evan?
- What's up, Q? - What you doing here?
I was driving by and saw you had the lights on.
- That's why I'm here. - What's with the hitting?
- You jinxed me, man. I knew it. - I'm gonna whup your ass.
- You know what happened? - What?
- She tried to break up with me. - What?
"What?" She was being evasive and she was hiding...
...and you know what she said to me? "Baby, we need to talk."
- Yeah, that sounds familiar, don't it? - What did you say?
What do you mean? I preempted the strike. I ran.
You was gonna break up anyway.
I was gonna break up with her. You feeling that? I with her.
There's a world of difference. But it's cool because I have a plan.
This the plan, okay? I made plans to meet her at the Zig Zag at 9:00.
- Oh, come on. - So you're gonna show up there.
You tell her I'm gonna be late.
You're gonna talk me up. Tell her what a great guy I am...
...how cool it is for her to be with me. Call me. I take it from there.
- Where you gonna be? - I'll be right here.
- Why you staying at my place? - I can't go home. She'll find me there.
- Chapter 3. - Chapter 3.
- You been reading. - Come on.
That's why you're nervous.
Nicky?
- Maybe. - Maybe not, huh? What is your name?
- No, I'm not Nicky. Sorry. - Okay, that's the wrong name.
Excuse me. Quincy. Did you ask me my name?
- No. - You didn't just...?
- Okay, well, my name is Quincy. - Okay.
- Mary. - Mary, nice to meet you.
I was actually here because my cousin sent me to find his girlfriend.
She has long hair. I never realized how many women...
...in L.A. Had long hair.
No other distinguishing characteristics like a scar or a tattoo...
...dimples or something? - Pretty smile.
No, not to my knowledge.
Maybe her description of you is more detailed than yours of her.
She doesn't know me.
She thinks she's coming to meet her boyfriend.
- But she's not? - No, no. My cousin sent me because...
...for some reason, he is terrified she's gonna break up with him.
Why would he think that?
Because she wants to talk.
He ever think she'd wanna talk about something else?
You know women when they just want to talk.
You guys, when y'all wanna talk, y'all talk. And y'all talking.
- Just talky-talk. - We're funny like that.
Really.
- What'd he expect you to do about it? - He wants me to chat her up...
...tell her how great of a guy he is.
- That's really high-school. - I said the same thing.
And the cold part is I gotta lie.
- He ain't great. - What do you mean?
He's a misogynist. He's a player, you know?
And he has a three-month commitment clause.
- Really? - Yeah, yeah. No, a firm policy.
- Sounds like a real peach. - Even within the three months...
...he messes with other girls anyway. So I'm like, "What's the deal?"
- Yeah, what is the deal? - Enough. Want a drink?
Yeah, a bloody mary. Can I get a double, please?
Mary likes bloody marys. That's cute.
Yeah. So, Quincy, what is it that you do?
- I am an editor for Spoil magazine. - Really?
Wow. You know, you remind me of someone.
- You remind me of somebody too. - Really?
Halle Berry.
You got that.
- Thanks. - Yeah.
- Q. - No-show.
- Damn. That's a sign, isn't it? - Like a flashing red light before a cliff.
Wanna go get something to drink, man?
I can't, man. I just met this babe.
We might go get some dinner and a club later.
I didn't mention that I wrote the book. Is that dishonest?
You're on a date. It's all dishonest.
All right.
Strange. You were gonna meet your date, I was gonna meet mine.
And we meet each other at the same time. Strange.
- That's not strange. - No?
- No. You wanna hear strange? - Give me strange.
- Teratomas. - That's them little cookies?
- They come in a package? - That's tiramisu.
Teratomas. They're tumors that can grow inside our bodies...
...formed by all three embryonic precursors.
- What does that mean? - It means that they have hair...
...and skin and glands, so they sweat like you are now, and brain tissue.
I saw one pulled out of a woman the size of a basketball.
And when they cut it open, she had a full row of teeth.
All the stuff that comes together to form human life are there.
But somehow they dissemble into something hideous. It's crazy.
So, what's the strangest thing that you know?
Can't bite through your own skin.
- What? - It's impossible.
First law of nature: Self-preservation. You can't do it, because you're selfish.
I can't bite through my own flesh, because I'm too selfish?
- Try to. - No.
- Bite into yourself. - That's lame.
- Bite yourself. - All right.
You want some hot sauce?
I can't bite into my skin, because I'm sane.
It's the same thing, biologically speaking. See, if you're not selfish...
...that means you're crazy and you could do it.
What about if you care about someone more than you care about yourself?
First, why would you do that? Second, are you talking about love?
Yeah. Love.
If someone is in love, therefore not selfish, then he or she is crazy...
...and could bite through his or her own flesh.
So being in love and being crazy are one and the same?
It's obvious.
- Wanna bite your other hand? - No.
Wanna bite me? I'm tender. I'm moist. I'm loving.
Hello.
Quincy Watson, I presume?
Yeah. Yeah, that's me. Quincy.
Quincy Watson. What's up? Come on.
- I'm Rita Monroe. - Oh, yes, you are, Rita.
- That's his way of saying hello. - Oh, God.
"Hello, Rita."
- Drink? - You do know why I'm here?
I do know. I do. Do...? Do l...? Do I know why?
One second.
- So you read my book? - I'm familiar with it.
I'm also familiar with the fact that you plan...
...on giving my Philip breakup pointers.
Not a very good idea. I'm completely...
Everyone has a job, and mine is to become Mrs. Philip Gascon.
I'm sorry. You were saying?
I'm saying that I think we need to work some things out.
One professional to another.
- Professional? - Don't be under any illusions.
It's not all love.
It's not love. I think I understand now.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I wasn't expecting you to be so...
- What? So honest? - Straightforward.
There's no need for us to work against each other on this.
- You wanna talk compensation? - Wow. Very direct.
- Was I too fast for you? - No. I'm just used to placating...
...scared little rabbits, you know?
I'm not used to doing business with a real man.
I need to find an ATM.
Oh, what the hell?
- Look at the town drunk. - Where am I?
You're in my living room. What kind of man corrupts another man's dog?
- You see a woman around? - You that freaky...
...you need help to get a dog drunk?
What you do to the dog? I'm gonna report you.
It's not your dog, it's your ex's.
If Helen came home now and saw an alcoholic pug, what would she say?
You can't let pugs drink, they're not rottweilers.
- They got little-bitty kidneys. - Helen's not coming back.
It ain't about Helen.
No. And it's definitely not about the dog.
I don't know what kind of freaky stuff... You got my drawers on?
Mr. Lynch, I've told you...
...don't take your clothes off for therapy.
Hold my dick.
Okay. I'll come back when you get dressed.
Dr. Jacobs, call 2035.
Evan called. One o'clock, your place.
A little afternoon delight? Oh, he's so romantic.
You guys are the reason I date.
He thinks I'm breaking up with him. He's freaking out.
- Are you? - No, or I wasn't.
Then I went on a date with Quincy, who thinks I'm Mary.
And found out that if true, Evan is Satan.
Not that Quincy's reliable, given he lied about...
...what he does or did in writing that book.
But he did seem sincere, and there's the craziest freaking attraction that's...
Oh, God.
So I guess the answer's yes.
- Yes, what? - I'm dumping Evan's ass for lunch.
- Hey. - You're late.
- What are we doing way out here? - Spies.
I don't think you fully realize the seriousness of the situation I'm in.
I got techniques for you so good you will never worry about this girl again.
Now, what's the plan?
Early supper, maybe a DVD back at my place.
Can we get the DVD at her place?
- Her place. Now, what do I say? - Nothing.
- Nothing? - It's what you do.
- Well, what do I do? - You sulk.
Pardon?
And then eventually, she will ask you...
- What's wrong? - Then you will respond by saying...
...nothing. Come on, come on.
- Honey, something must be wrong. - No, nothing.
- Something is obviously wrong. - No, it's nothing.
Tell me. Please tell me what's bothering you.
Now you got her. She's desperate. Hit her right between the eyes.
Well, if you must know, I wanna break up.
Wait a second. Just like that?
I call it the passive-aggressive bullet to the head.
She feels responsible.
Then eventually, she'll squeak out, "But why?"
And then you just look right in her eyes and say, "Hey, I don't love you."
And then you bounce.
Wow. Well, it sounds a bit cruel.
It's less cruel than a bad relationship. Now, I'm gonna give you these.
Okay? That reminds you who you are.
You're hard metal. You're steel.
I still don't know why we couldn't go to your place.
I like the smell of new paint.
- Drink? - No, thank you.
You look like you swallowed a spider.
I didn't just swallow a spider.
- A rat? - No.
- Wanna know what it is? - What you swallowed?
- Why I am sulking? - It just looks like you're constipated.
No. I explained to you that I was sulking.
Because you're constipated.
- When was the last movement? - It's not about that.
- You want to know what it's about? - No.
- Well, why not? - Because you look so cute.
There's something on my mind. Something you should know.
Philip, rub my leg. I have a cramp.
Don't you wanna know what's on my mind?
Rub my leg first.
Higher.
What's on your mind, big boy?
Let's go.
It's open.
- You cut your hair. - I know.
No, but I mean, like, you really cut your hair.
I mean, you look like that actress.
- Halle Berry. - No, not Halle Berry, please. No.
The actress in that movie about the crack addicts.
- That's who you look like. - Like a crackhead?
It doesn't matter, because, you know...
...that's one hell of a cut. - So, what, you like it?
No, I hate it. That's good. It makes it so much easier.
- I wanna break up. - What?
Yeah. "What?" I wanna break up.
You can't break up with me. I'm supposed to break up with your ass.
Well...
Apparently not.
This is so unfair. This is so completely like you, just totally contrary.
Okay, but why you yelling? Because you wanted to break up with me.
Yesterday you wanted to have "the talk." Remember?
I didn't want to break up. You thought I did.
Oh, no. No, no. Okay. I saw the sulk.
- You were sulking when I came in. - That wasn't a sulk.
It was too a sulk. Your forehead looked like a walnut.
- I saw it. - Okay, today, I was sulking.
- Yesterday, total misread. - Today, today. What?
- About the talking. - So why'd you cut the hair?
- To keep you, dumb-ass. - This is too confusing. I'm out.
Be gone, nigga. I don't care. Who's keeping you?
You're real indignant, considering you stood me up.
I did not. You stood me up.
It's good. I'm leaving. But you stood me up.
You practically forced me to go out on a date with another guy.
What?
Yeah.
- What other guy? - Whoever I was out with, obviously.
- Where'd you go? - Where we were at.
Now you fronting. You a comedian now?
It's good, because I'm up out of here.
How long you been seeing this guy?
You know what? That's no longer any of your business, now, is it?
- Did you do it? - No, not really.
- You're still together? - No, he dumped me.
He dumped you? Wow.
- He's good. - Too good.
It doesn't make sense. You were perfect.
- You should get married. - It makes perfect sense.
His best friend shows up, acts like he doesn't know who I am.
Talks smack about Evan to get me all angry, knows all these great lines...
...and then lies about what he does.
"And what does he do?" you ask. He masterminds breakups. It's obvious.
- It is? - They did the old bait and switch.
Evan handed me off to Quincy, like:
"I'd slap that ass. You give it a try."
No. What are you gonna do about it?
Quincy doesn't know that I know.
He doesn't see that I see the connection with Evan.
That I know about that stupid book he wrote.
That's fine and dandy. I'll keep our little date tonight.
Take him down the old romance path.
When he leans in to kiss me, that first awkward kiss of the evening...
- Yeah. ...I pull back and laugh.
I'll dump his ass so hard he'll be using a walker.
What?
- It sounds a little childish. - It is not.
Okay. Maybe Evan will realize how much he's in love with you...
...and then you can suggest couple's counseling or...
It's time for my rounds. We'll talk later.
Lay back, Mr. Lynch.
Q.
- What you doing here? - Just helping Philip.
Forget about Philip. Your boy got problems.
- I know that. - You ready for this?
- I'm in love. - That's what you said.
No, no. That was lust. That was just bump and grinding...
...talking-dirty-while- I'm-spanking-that-ass lust. This...
- This is love. It's Nicky. - Right.
- I broke up with her today. - Strange way to show your love.
I wasn't in love with her when I did it, okay? At least...
...I didn't think I was.
Was I in love with her when I did it?
No. It wasn't until she told me she was seeing another guy. That's what it is.
- That's jealousy. That ain't love. - Think so?
Of course it's jealousy, that's what I'm saying.
Why would I be jealous if I wasn't in love?
- Because we trip like that sometimes. - I think I made a big mistake.
I don't know what to do. What you think I should do?
Buy her something. Diamond rings, clothes.
- Here we go. You're no help. - Credit card.
I need to find the dude, stick my foot up his ass.
He might be big. Might whup your ass.
You know, if it wasn't for that stupid haircut that she had...
- She cut her hair? - Cut her hair. Can you believe...?
Women know that's an aggressive act towards men.
Women cut their hair, it's aggression. She aggressed me.
- No long hair? - No long hair.
Thinks she look like Halle Berry. Come on.
Halle Be...
You know, it's...
- What's wrong with you? - Nothing. I was bubbling.
You know, my stomach is bad. I ate some of those taquitos...
...that they had out in the front. No, I need to go.
Where's a...? I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Nicky?
So, Mary.
- Is that short for Marilyn? - No.
Actually, it's not.
So why don't you tell me more about your job as an editor.
Actually, you know what I'm trying to do? I'm trying to write a book.
- Like a children's book. - Of course, a book.
It's called All Dogs Leave L.A.
Because they can't get any attention or any love.
- Where do they go? - Compton.
Whatever happened to your sleazy friend and his longhaired girlfriend?
- They broke up. - How's he taking that?
- Feels like he made a big mistake. - Does he?
Yeah, they say that honesty is the most important element in love.
Oh, I don't believe that.
I think it's the most important element in a relationship, but love...
...doesn't care about it one way or the other.
What does it care about?
Itself.
Who the hell do you think you are?
We had a deal.
I don't know what crazy game you think you're playing...
...but you're out of your league. - Gotta be a wrong number.
- Safe word: Rabbit. - Grow up.
Listen, Mr. Watson, if you want more than sex, then damn it, just speak up.
But double-dealing? Totally unacceptable. You call me back.
These things are pinching me.
I swear, I don't know who it is. They gotta have a wrong number.
- I don't know who it is. - I'm out.
Some other Quincy. Yo, wait, baby.
- Look, I swear I don't know who... - Oh, you swear what?
That you're honest and forthright? Is that what you swear?
Mostly, yeah.
Get all you need, bro. Get all you need.
She took the day off. But if there's anything I could do for you...
- Will she be here tomorrow? - I don't think so.
I been calling. She hasn't called back.
- You have the nicest eyes. - Thanks.
Is there something else I can help you with? I like your hat.
I'm so confused.
- Me too. - What should I do, Mr. Lynch?
Love me.
And hold your dick, right?
Okay.
- Is he gone? - Yep.
- Finally. - I think he's really, really sorry.
Shouldn't you give him a chance?
- I don't know. - You two belong together.
How about it?
If you hate this girl so much, why can't you break up with her?
It's called fear. Don't get me wrong...
...she has many fine qualities: Beautiful, fun, smart...
But after a point, you get this feeling of bottomless ruthlessness.
So tell me, you wicked little animal...
...what is Philip offering?
You tell me.
Nothing. Stinko. Zip.
Book payback.
- Book? - Tit for tat. I can give you tit and tit.
- Philip Gascon? - But you decide.
You helping Philip break up with me, or are you helping me marry him?
- Oh, shit. Oh, shit. - What is it?
I got a cramp.
- Where? - It's in my leg.
Well, I'll help you rub it.
- Here? - Yeah, right there.
That's where the cramp is.
You're not even listening to me.
Hello, Philip?
- Where you at? - Sorry.
Look, if something isn't done soon, I'll be married.
So why you wanna marry Philip?
Quincy, Quincy, Quincy.
I'm a practical girl.
I was brought up dirt-poor, wrong side of Toledo, by not a very loving family.
I've put together a life for myself based on good looks and street savvy.
I figure another five to seven years to cash in. It's really all quite simple.
I mean, even the book is theoretical. Just...
Don't fall in love. That's the main thing.
Don't fall in love. It's dangerous. Somebody could get hurt.
- Do you love Philip? - No. I like him.
He's nice. He's a likable guy.
But women don't love men they can manipulate.
What about a man that can manipulate you?
Well, if I find one...
...I�m sure I'll fall in love.
You need to break up with her in public.
Do it at the post office, airport.
Banks are good. Where there's security.
But you gotta come on with the come on.
- You got to be assertive. - I know, I've gotta be assertive here.
Yeah. Got to get you...
I didn't tell you about the face.
- What? - You know about the face?
- No. - The face of immutability.
That's where you drain all the emotion off your face, like this here:
See? You don't show emotion, hard for a person to be emotional with you.
This breaks the cycle of facial expressions.
It gives off pain, anger and hurt.
- Yeah, keep that. Keep that. Keep that. - Yeah.
Now, when you see her, you act, you don't wait. You say, "It's over."
Philip.
- What's wrong with you? - Nothing. I want to break up.
- Excuse me? - Yeah, I want to break up.
- Here? - Yes, here.
Why here?
To avoid violence.
In a post office?
Philip, it's not you. I know you.
- You're a FedEx man. - Yeah, whatever.
- Well, it's not possible. - Why not?
- Because we're getting engaged. - The hell we are.
Look, I thought it all through...
...and it is the best thing to do. It is the most generous thing to do.
I don't want to be generous.
Honey, I'm being generous, not you.
Listen, let's face facts, Philip.
You are an aging, boring white guy.
Without me to define you, you're invisible.
So in good conscience, the loving person that I am...
...I could not really just let you go.
- I just wanna break up. - Of course you do.
Listen, we'll get a bottle of wine and you can tell me all about it. Okay?
Come on. Come on. Buck up.
Rufus, my darling.
How's my little baby?
Rufus, it's me. Helen.
You stop that.
You have something to say to me?
- Yeah. - What?
You ever hear of this game, the question game?
- No. - It's real simple.
It's where you ask me a question, I have to answer it truthfully.
I ask you a question, and you have to answer it truthfully.
- Sounds slightly mean and dangerous. - No.
How about I start it out?
What's your name again? Mary?
Nicky.
- Your turn. - Okay.
What do you do?
I was an editor at Spoil magazine.
Then I wrote this handbook on how to break up with your lover.
- How long have you known that? - First night at the bar.
How long have you known that my name wasn't Mary?
- Yesterday. - So you didn't know that first night?
Hold on.
Why'd you go out with me?
Because you thought I looked like Halle Berry.
- Who was that woman on the phone? - I don't know.
No girlfriend in the shadows with a frying pan?
Nope. None of that.
Do you love Evan?
I thought I did.
Once you knew who I was, you planned to stop seeing me?
I can't do that. That's my cousin. It's not right.
- But here you are. - Here we are.
Why is that?
I'm crazy.
- How crazy? - I'm crazy like:
Not a drop of blood. What's a girl to think?
I'm bleeding internally.
Wait, wait. Wait, Quincy, wait.
Wait. Maybe we shouldn't, Quincy.
- Why? - You know why.
Yeah. You're right. You're right.
I gotta talk to him.
Yeah. If we have wild sex tonight, it would only complicate things.
Yeah, yeah. It would.
I'm tripping. I'm gonna go talk to him.
You know what? Maybe I should just go.
- You wanna go? - You want me to?
- Not unless you want to. - I don't.
- Don't go. - Then why you bring it up?
- We could play a game. - Naked Twister.
- No, I have a better game. - Really?
- The fantasy game. - The fantasy game.
- You sit over there. I'll be over here. - All right.
You tell me one of your favorite fantasies.
And I'll tell you one of mine.
- You can go first. - Okay.
There's these baby chickens...
...and they're all oiled up.
You go first. I gotta work mine out.
Okay. I'm asleep...
...in this...
...deep, beautiful sleep.
This stranger, he comes into my bedroom.
And his lips... And he tastes so sweet...
...like a Now and Later. - Grape?
- Grape. - Yeah, grape.
And then his lips are slowly...
...moving down my body from my neck...
...to my breasts...
...to my belly.
I just can barely catch my breath and...
Oh, this... It's like a slow...
...enormous explosion and...
Get off. What are you doing?
What? L... The dream and the lips.
It was a fantasy.
- Oh, my... - God.
You got me excited. I...
I was feeling...
- Oh, what the hell. Oh, God. - Yeah.
Didn't work out, did it?
Somehow it turned into a negotiation.
We started out far apart.
I wanted to break up, she wanted to get engaged.
In the end, we forged a compromise.
- What was the compromise? - We got engaged.
- Congratulations. - Thank you.
- So you still want to break up? - More than ever.
You know I believe in straightforward honesty and direct dealings?
I have deep respect for your philosophy.
Damn all that. We gonna write a letter.
The letter states you've broken up. Hell, I'll even write it. All right?
After that, all you do is change your phone numbers, answering machine.
Take a vacation for two weeks, somewhere exotic only you know of.
Don't you wanna be somewhere so you can be naked...
...run on the beach, have fun and frolic?
Frolic all you want, then come back and you change up.
Change your habits. Change your schedule for about...
...six months.
- Yeah. - Yeah?
- Well, I can do that. - Run naked somewhere, can't you?
I've got an ass, and I'm gonna show it.
If it's what you want. I don't wanna see it. Show your ass.
Okay, let's see some ass.
- Don't get naked right here. - I can just run away!
All right. All right, man. You scaring me.
You scar... You are scaring me.
Evan. This cousin of yours is a genius.
Don't forget to give me that letter. About 7:00? All right.
- Adios. - What you give him?
- I need to holler at you. - Got something to show you.
- Watch your eyes. Watch your eyes. - Nicky?
- Who else? - Thought you broke it off.
Q, the deeper the hole, the bigger the romantic gesture to crawl out of it.
And this is a big gesture.
- You think she's interested? - I know.
- How you know? - I know.
- Her friend told me. - No, she didn't.
- She did. - Her dude?
She's just using some loser to get to me, the real prize.
- You think he's a loser? - I know he is.
I don't believe that. That she'd choose that.
Believe it. I know Nicky, right? I see where she's going with this.
She likes little games, and I play along.
- Some games kind of kinky, right? - Oh, man.
- Why you doing this? - I love the woman, that's why.
- You don't think it's a good idea? - No.
Set you up. I knew you'd say that. You're about being safe and in control.
And this...
- This is crazy, right? - When?
The master plan goes down tonight.
I'm so brilliant.
How you doing? I'm looking for Nicky Callas.
I'm a good fiend of hers, Quincy Watson.
You know, she's out for a few hours, but why don't you leave a message.
Sure. Can you tell me where she went?
No. No idea.
Make sure she gets this. This is important.
- Okay? - Of course.
- Hi. - Hey.
- Still on for tonight, aren't we? - Sure.
- Nicky. - No, it's Philip.
Are you bringing that letter over yet?
- Yeah, I'm coming. - Thank you, muchacho.
Surprise!
Well, I couldn't rush off to paradise without celebrating a second printing.
Ladies and gentlemen, Quincy Watson, author.
There he is, bigtime, bigtime. Hey, I got a surprise for you.
It's in the back.
- You ain't seen Philip's girl, have you? - I doubt she was invited.
- Good, good. - Yeah.
- I thought you had to meet Nicky. - It's being arranged.
Trust me, boy. No, hey, trust me.
Have I ever let you down? Have I ever let you down?
- Hello, Quincy. - Helen?
Yeah. What you doing here?
I'm back.
- Whose party is this? - A friend's.
- I wanted to go to the movies. - Don't be such a drag. It'll be fun.
It took me going away to realize...
...that it wasn't you who needed to change...
...it was me.
You're perfect just...
...the way you are.
But I would do anything to make it right again between us.
Amy, what have you done?
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna close my eyes now.
And you can either kiss me or slap me.
I don't care.
Excuse me. Q.
I need to speak to you for a minute. Now.
Oh, don't go.
Nicky's here. Yeah, yeah. And Rita's here too.
- What? - Oh, it's a long story, okay?
But I need you to go get Nicky and bring her back here to me.
- I'll tell you how to recognize her. - I know, short hair.
- I don't see Evan anywhere. - I can't believe you did this to me.
- I'm leaving. - No, no, no. He's changed.
Okay, it was supposed to be a surprise, but he has a ring.
- A ring of what? - A diamond ring, silly.
You're psychotic.
Really psychotic.
- Well, that's harsh. - Excuse me.
- Nicky. Hey, what's up? - Quincy.
- You know what? Let's get out of here. - Yeah.
I was thinking we'd bounce, get a little...
You know, have you seen the floors? These floors are great.
- Who's that woman waving? - She's looking at you.
Have you got the letter?
- Right here. - Okay, Nicky.
- See you met Quincy already. Cool. - You didn't tell him?
Tell me what?
- That's the girl. - Hi.
- Let's blow out these candles. - Yeah.
I think I'll mingle.
Hello, I'm Helen, Quincy's muse.
I'm Nicky, Quincy's girlfriend.
I'm Rita. I just screw him.
- Yo, Evan, I've been seeing Nicky. - What?
I wanted you to know me and Nicky been seeing each other.
- My Nicky? - You know, I don't...
Look, I've been seeing Nicky, and I love her.
Hey, just met your muse and your little ho.
You know what you are? You're a walking, talking teratoma.
No, Nicky, Nicky. Wait.
Yo, Nick!
E! Wait!
E, E, hold up, man. Look, it's not what you think.
I think you weren't thinking.
- I didn't know what... - I don't give a damn.
You don't do that to blood. You don't do that to family. You know the rules.
Yeah, I know you know. Go to hell, man.
I'm gonna get her back, Q. Stay away from her.
Dude.
Going somewhere?
Yeah, just a business trip. You know, kind of a last-minute thing...
...to London, just...
Yeah, just...
- Well, the hotel pool, you know? - You're allergic to chlorine.
- Not that bad. - You stop breathing.
- Change the locks? - Yeah. The key broke off inside the...
- But it... - Is this letter addressed to me?
Perhaps you should just read it.
There's something I need to tell you, but it may change your opinion of me.
I'm having an affair.
Famous Q.
What you doing, and how'd you get in?
- I broke a window. - Why you do that?
- Your little dog is very friendly. - What are you doing here?
Yo. What's your problem, man?
Oh, damn. What the hell is wrong with you, man?
- Yo, Philip, I'm confused. - You certainly are, because I know.
- You know what? - Rita told me about your indiscretions.
He bit me. That animal.
The way I listened to you. The way I confided in you.
- It wasn't me, I swear. - Listen, ungrateful little misanthrope.
If you so much as look at Rita, I will hire people to break you in two.
Plus, I'm pulling your lousy book.
Your self-help days are history.
I'm gonna marry that girl, and there's not...
...a damn thing you can do to stop me.
Yeah, it's just...
Yeah.
Stop that.
What?
This?
Fine.
Here.
Don't you threaten me.
I want that thing put down.
There won't be fights in here. But if you do, keep that left up.
- Then uppercut and a round... - Can I help you?
Yeah, I was wondering...
...if I left my girlfriend's dog here, could you find him a good home?
- Come with me. - All right. There you go.
Got your own condo, skylights, Jacuzzi.
You gonna have mad freaks up in here.
Yeah, they all get three days, but between me and you...
...ain't none of them get out of here alive.
Let me know.
- Honey, I'm home. - Are you crazy?!
- Get that thing away. - Where my dogs at?
God, it's so ugly.
Fly back to Paris on this.
Go get her, boys.
- Nicky? - The person you're calling...
...is unavailable.
- Yo, E, I gotta talk to you. - Wait a minute.
Before you start, I have something I wanna say.
- I'm getting married. - No.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. No date yet, but it's going down.
- You happy? - Of course. It's a big day, but...
And that's just good because you know why?
- I want you to be my best man. - No, I can't.
- Hey, Q. We go back. - No, I can't. I'm serious.
- She's here. - She's here. She's here? For what?
No.
Quincy, this is Rita. Rita, Quincy.
Pleasure finally meeting you. Heard a lot about you.
You have no idea.
- Yeah, what happened to Philip? - Heart attack.
What do you think?
So pretty, isn't it?
Thankfully, it turned out to be a fairly minor incident.
But he needed to spend a few days in the hospital.
So there I was, nursing the poor soul back to life when who walks in?
Oh, hey, is that the Angler contract you got there?
- Yeah, you know, I'll come back. - No, just put it down.
- Right here? - Yeah, just here. Here is good.
I'm sorry. Where are my manners? Evan, this is Rita Monroe.
Rita Monroe, Evan Fields.
Of course, I didn't know he was Evan. I thought he was you.
I felt so used, so manipulated that I just...
...fell in love.
- Is Philip still in the hospital? - No, I fixed him up with this nurse.
- Good boy. - He's in good hands.
Rita, will you excuse us for a second?
I'll see you outside.
- What's crackulating? - Talk to Nicky?
Oh, no. Well, I stalked her for a while, but that was a long time ago.
- That's a joke. That's a joke. - Good.
Rita, nice to meet you.
Q.
You still need my permission if you wanna talk to her.
Them the rules.
I got my own rules now, player.
I can't believe he hit you in the ear.
They deserve each other.
Hello?
- Hey, where's Nicky? - She's not here.
- When is she coming back? - She's not.
- What you mean, "she's not"? - She's gone to Portland.
- Portland? - You just missed her.
She took the train. He's afraid to fly.
He? Who the hell is he?
Right here, Mr. Lynch.
Don't move. Your daughter doesn't pay me enough...
...to play hide-and-seek with you. All right?
I'm gonna go get the tickets. Stay here.
Damn.
Hi, two tickets on the Surfliner to Portland.
Come on.
Damn.
Nick.
Nicky.
- His right hand grabbed me like this. - I see.
Okay, we gotta go. We gotta go now.
Let's go.
Please have your tickets ready.
Final destination for this train is San Diego.
What?
Don't even think about it.
What the...? Oh, my gosh.
Quincy.
- What are you doing? - I'm a...
- It's my fault. I'm an idiot. - What are you...?
I don't understand what you're saying.
Do you hear me? What you with the old dude for?
I can't understand what you're saying.
I'm a misanthrope. I'm an asshole. I'm a fool.
- I can't hear you. - I love you. I got to have you.
What are you...?
No, no, no. No, no. No, don't.
- Crazy man. - Don't, don't.
No, no, don't. Don't.
Oh, my God! Stay here.