Let's go swimmin' before it gets too chilly.
Some of us have to work for a livin'.
And normal people get Sundays off.
Well, some of us normal people
have to work seven days a week to save money.
And besides, you need to start workin' a little harder
to keep me interested in hangin' out with you.
Watchin' you troll for girls,
while barely tolerable in high school,
has officially lost its last little bit of luster.
Hey, hey!
I just invited you to go swimmin'.
Yeah, euphemistic for watchin' you text at the swimmin' hole,
as opposed to the coffee shop.
And, besides, it's pointless.
You've dated every girl in the state of Kentucky.
I mighta missed one.
And, please, yo-you spend as much time trolling for dudes
as I do trolling for girls.
Yeah, but, unlike you, I'm not just lookin' for sex.
I wanna find love, get married.
I haven't even found one good guy
who doesn't wanna just get in my pants.
Maybe I should date girls.
How bad could it be?
I'm a fan.
Check one out and see how you like it.
At least she'd be sweet.
And considerate.
And emotional.
Not just a dog, like all y'all.
Hey, I am very fond of every one I go out with,
regardless of how long the relationships last.
Now, you know, sometimes likin' someone isn't enough
and you gotta break up.
Kinda quickly.
But it doesn't make me a bad guy.
No, just a guy.
Hey, how's it goin'? What can I get ya?
You have the prettiest hair.
I always wanted to try those straight-across bangs like that.
Yeah, and you know I've always wanted to try wearin'
a big ole sparkly engagement ring like that.
Yeah, well, you know the grass is always greener, I guess.
- So...? - Oh! Right.
May I please have a double latte caramel frappuccino, please.
Sweetheart, Starbucks is on Montague Street.
We sell coffee here.
Oh, right. Um,
- well, may I have... - Tread lightly now.
- Um, a ca- cappa... - Cap...?
Chino?
Yes, you may.
So,
you've never been married or engaged, even?
Mm-mm. No.
I mean, I do, but most of 'em I'm not really attracted to
and the ones I have been always seem to get cold feet.
Oh, God, men.
The very thing they want most
is the very thing they're most afraid of.
Ain't that the truth.
- Commitment. - Dick.
Oh, well, I mean that, too, but it's a distant second.
Did you say what I think you just said?
Mmm, that commitment's a distant second?
No. Before that.
That men want dick but are afraid of it.
Okay. Apparently you did.
Two-fifty, please.
Thank you.
Do you- do you have a lot of guy friends confide this in you?
I-I mean how do you know that they're telling you the truth
and not just messin' with you?
'Cause if I weren't,
I'd have a big ole gorgeous ring on my finger by now.
I don't follow.
That's my mom.
We're late for church.
Oh, I understand.
It was real nice talkin' with you.
And you.
I'm Francesca, by the way.
Ricky.
Ricky and a rich girl sittin' in a tree,
k-i-s-s-i-n-g.
Oh, fuck off.
Hell, why not?
She was sexy as hell.
In that kinda way.
What kinda way?
Oh, come on.
You grew up here your whole life, too.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, let me get this straight now.
You are gonna judge her
because of the kinda family she may or may not come from?
Does come from.
Rich, Republican, debutant.
Oh, you are unbe- You-you-you want peop- no,
you demand people judge you by the content of your character
and nothin' else, yet you're gonna dismiss her?
Because of what, what kinda family she comes from?
It's different.
She was sweet and respectful and friendly and liked you.
And anyway, that girl -
I mean what more could you want
from your first girlfriend experience?
She's not a lesbian.
How do you know?
And even if she were, she would not go for a girl like me.
Why not?
You know.
No, I really don't, why?
Oh come on, now you're just bein' an idiot.
No, really, Ricky, why couldn't she be into you?
- Because I'm not... - Republican?
You know what I was gonna say.
Look, Ricky, maybe she won't care.
I mean, there's only one way to find out.
You know, that really isn't something
I just go surprisin' people with, out the blue.
Oh, really?
Hey, what about that, uh,
Halloween incident when we were little.
See, now that was different.
He had it comin', fucking pervert.
Hey, Cinderella, trick or treat?
Trick.
Police!
Help!
Thank God I was there to protect you.
Yeah, tough guy.
I've never seen someone run so fast.
Nah, it's true.
That douche bag scared the shit outta me. But...
that was the only time I ever ran from a fight for you.
Leave her alone.
That's a boy, not a girl.
You are a boy. You are a boy.
Didn't your father just die?
Yeah, that's true. You didn't really need me.
Anyone came after you left in tears.
Well, I always appreciated your gallant efforts.
Well, when you turned sixteen somethin' happened.
I don't know, but you really didn't need me after that.
Why you so into Ricky?
'Cuz he's gay.
Shut up!
Fine, whatever you're into man, I'm just sayin'.
I'm not- I'm not gay. I just like her. You -
it's nice to have a conversation about more than
Pamela Anderson's tits every once in awhile.
Really?
Why?
It's cool. It's cool.
If you wanna bring a dude to the football game
who dresses like a girl, then you -
Hey, guys.
- Hi. - Hey.
Hey, Ricky.
- You look great. - Oh, thanks.
Um, so you sure it's okay I tag along to the game?
- Yeah, fine. - Absolutely.
Something happened when I turned sixteen?
Yeah, somethin' happened.
And, uh, what was that somethin' that happened, Robby?
What?
Why are you rollin' your eyes?
I'm fascinated by this somethin' that happened.
Mm.
Is it that I suddenly got hot?
Is that the somethin' that happened?
Ew, come on, you're like my sister.
- Hey, come on, just a sip! - No!
All right, well, fine.
You go ahead and judge a book by its cover, hypocrite,
but don't look now because here she comes.
Hi!
Hey.
Oh, my God, what a coincidence.
I know, right?
- I love that bathing suit. - Oh.
It's so classic. Where did you get it?
Um, well I made it, actually.
Wha- You did not.
Yeah, um, that's my real job.
I'm a designer.
You are?
Well, why aren't you in, um, uh,
New York or Paris or somethin' like that?
Our Fashion Week is kinda non-existent, obvi.
Well, hopefully I'll be goin' to fashion school
in New York this fall.
I'm just kinda waitin' to hear back.
God, that is so exciting.
Thanks.
Wow.
So, um, how do you know about this place?
Oh, well, my daddy used to take me here when I was little.
- You grew up here? - Mm-hmm.
Well, I thought I knew everybody in this town.
Surprise.
I went away to boardin' school when I was five,
and then I was just really around for the holidays.
What about summers?
Abroad.
Oh. Of course.
He's cute.
Is he your boyfriend?
Uh, we've been best friends since, like, first grade.
He works in my dad's garage.
What, and nothin' ever happened?
Not even once?
No, he- he doesn't like tra -
Like...?
Girls like me.
Girls like you.
Okay, what's not to like about you?
You're gorgeous, funny, smart.
Well, thank you. But, he, uh -
Tell her! Tell her.
Drown, you loser!
I swear on my mother, I will swim out there
and drown you myself if you don't shut it!
I'm just sayin'.
I'm so sorry about him.
Oh, no need to apologize.
But I am tellin' you it is clear as day that that boy
has a crush on you, regardless of what he says.
So, uh, what's your fiancé do?
He's in Afghanistan.
He's a marine.
Just one more tour, and he'll be home for good in the fall,
and then we'll get married in the spring.
Oh.
So, uh, just a few more months to live it up, huh?
Yeah, I'm- I'm not really like that.
Like what?
Like someone who does things she's always wanted to
for fear of life lived with regret
will be far worse than a life with experimentation
that has some great joys but some skinned knees as well.
You clearly haven't thought much about it.
No.
I'm just a normal girl.
Okay, so there is one main reason why,
even if he did like me like that,
we still couldn't be anything more than friends.
Mm-hmm, and what's that?
- Well... - Tell me.
Okay.
- What's your number? - Why?
Just, please.
Uh, eight-five-nine-
five-five-five seven-six-two-four.
Oh.
Who the heck is...?
It's me.
Oh!
How excitin'.
No.
But...
No!
Wow!
May I ask you a question?
Yeah, sure.
So where did you- like where did you get it?
I mean who gave it to you?
What?
Y-your, um...
Oh! Well, um, God, I guess?
When I was born.
Oh, my- okay, so biologically you were born -
A boy.
Well, um, so, uh, do you like it?
My...?
- Yeah. - Oh! Yeah, I mean,
I do, it's just I wish I'd been born a genetic girl.
I do plan on gettin' the full surgery someday.
It's just so expensive.
But, for now, I might as well
just dance with the one that brung me, right?
And it's not really about hatin' my body,
so I've learned to live with it.
And do you- do you like keep it a secret that you..?
Oh, no, no, no.
I am completely comfortable with who I am,
and I like to make sure
everybody else in my life is, too.
So, you know, whether it's a boy,
or like you, a new friend,
um, if for any reason it should or does come up,
I mean, I just get it right out in the open.
Well, we are new friends, aren't we?
I think so.
you don't go fallin' in love with me or anything.
Well, right back at ya!
- You idiot, my hair! - Oh, God, it's cold!
Ah!
Robby, how do you do?
Francesca. Charmed, I'm sure.
So, you new in town?
- Uh, yes and no. - She grew up here,
but then went off to boardin' school.
Now she's back and waitin' for her handsome marine
to come home so they can get married.
Oh, cool. Who's your fiancé?
David Applebee.
No.
Oh, you know him?
Oh, yeah, I know him. We went to high school together.
Wait, so do you know him, too?
- I don't think so. - Of course you do.
It's that kid who kept tryin' to knock you out
in pee-wee football.
- Really? - He did that?
Y'all just seem so nice.
I would feel bad if he was ever mean to you either of you.
Hey, he's fightin' for our country.
He's cool by me.
Thank you.
You be nice to our new friend.
Come on, now, I'm always nice.
Ah!
- Oh, my God! - Stop it.
You're gonna get it, Robby.
Come on, now.
Whoo!
Help us!
The sharks are coming!
The Fourth Division
of the Fighters of the Republic will save you.
Hurry! Hurry!
You're incredible.
Our hero.
Really, there's no need for that.
And besides, I'm not allowed to kiss on duty anyway.
Well, when do you get off duty?
Um, right now!
Are you corruptin' that army man again?
It didn't come. I already checked.
You'll get accepted. I know it!
Thanks, kiddo.
Now don't worry, honey.
Vera Wang's got nothin' on you.
Vera Wang does wedding gowns, Dad.
I don't wanna do wedding gowns.
All right, well, you know, Betsy Johnson then.
She went bankrupt.
I mean she's back now, but I don't wanna go bankrupt.
You wanna give your old man a break?
I'm a mechanic, for cryin' out loud.
I'm sorry, Dad.
I am very impressed with your fashion acumen.
All right, you tread lightly now.
What's acumen mean?
Well, it means that I have a- a wealth
of deep and insightful knowledge about many things.
In this case, about the fashion world
that your big sister's about to reinvent.
I have pie acumen.
Indeed you do, Son.
Indeed you do.
Hello, Baby.
Ah, I miss you, Baby Doll.
So how's everythin' goin' at home?
Well, I am gettin' my dress tomorrow.
Oh, you're gonna look just like an angel.
You know, that's probably
the one thing civilized about these Arabs,
saving themselves for marriage.
Just like you, Baby.
My virgin angel.
God, stop!
Oh! Hey, uh, I made some new friends today,
and they say they know you.
- No way. - Yeah.
Well, who?
Uh, Robby Riley?
Uh, and his friend Ricky?
The tranny?
- Don't call her that. - You hung out with them?
Well, she's just like any other normal girl.
I mean she's just like me.
Okay, seriously, you're gonna make me puke now
you keep talkin' like that.
Well, she said since you're fightin' for America and all,
that you're all right in her book.
Yeah, well, I ain't fightin' for the America
that fucking thing is part of!
I just miss you, Baby.
I can't wait 'til you're home. Ninety-three more days.
Yeah.
Well, I gu-I guess I should be goin'.
Oh, yeah.
I love you.
Be careful.
I love you too, Baby.
Really, Ricky, don't worry about it.
I'm not worried, I'm just annoyed.
They should be growin' faster by now.
I've been on hormones for, like, seven years
Yeah, but guy-guys don't care about that shit.
Yeah, well as soon as I can afford it
I'm gonna get implants.
No, but-but it's, Ricky, it's not the size, okay?
It's the- it's the shape, it's the feel,
it's the- it's the buoyancy.
You don't know what buoyancy means.
The cute little tits are just so sexy, okay?
They feel great, they're wonderful.
I- those-those big ole fake balloons fuckin' thing -
I wouldn't get anything like that.
Just nice, small elegant C-cups.
I-I wouldn't.
Really.
Don't you peek, now.
Yuck. As if.
Okay, Sam, you can come back in.
Is that one gonna work?
I think so.
Who's that from?
- New girlfriend. - Who?
Invite her over.
Well, who is she?
This new girlfriend?
None of your business.
Shut your mouth.
Hi, may I come in?
- Of course, hey! - Hi.
Wow.
You look...
really cute.
Well, thank you.
Hey, Robby.
Hey.
And who is this?
This is my little brother, Sam. Sam, this is Francesca.
Well, hello, Sam. Nice to meet you.
Now don't tell me you made that, too.
Yup.
Wow.
Oh, um, hey, uh, do you think
I can use your ladies' room real quick?
Uh, yeah, it's down the stairs to the left.
Okay.
Do you have an extra tampon?
I swear I thought I brought one.
Please?
Oh, my God.
Silly me!
You have a YouTube channel!
So how many subscribers?
Eleven hundred.
Get out! You are famous!
Hardly.
Daily Grace has a few million.
See now, all you need is one celebrity
to wear one of your designs,
and you'll have a couple million in no time.
Well, I'll leave you ladies to it.
Oh, I-I'm-I'm sorry.
I-I didn't mean to chase you off.
Oh, no, he has his man-whoring to do anyway.
The sun's down.
I was actually havin' fun hangin' out with you but,
uh, you know, whatever.
Oh, I can leave. It's no problem.
Robby, I'm gonna kill you. Tell her you're kiddin'.
All right, I'm-I'm just givin' you a hard time, Francesca.
I gotta go anyway.
- Yes, he's sure! - Yes, I'm positive.
You ladies have fun. I'll talk to you later.
Keep it real, Shortcake. - Later, Riley.
Mm-hmm.
So, what do you do?
On your channel?
Well, um, here. Sam?
Good to go.
Hey, everybody, it's Ricky again,
and I have a very special guest.
This is my fabulous new friend Francesca Duval.
Say hi to all your new fans. - Hi!
So, Francesca's wearin' an adorable little summer outfit.
It's not too slutty, I mean, sexy, and not too prim.
Just right.
So, those are Diesel Skinny jeans?
Oh, uh, mm-hmm.
And, uh, looks like you're rockin' your own patriotic look
with a fabulous graphic tank from,
I wanna say, Free People?
Right again!
And the hottest wedges.
Sam, the cameraman, can you please pan down to show those?
What are they? I wanna say, are they Guess?
Good guess!
Fabulous! The whole thing, very, very put together.
Now, for those of my viewers who can't afford to spend
five hundred dollars on a casual
Sunday out-with-the-girls, Sam, cover your ears,
"Not even tryin' to get laid," outfit.
Uh, how do you know I'm not tryin' to get laid?
Can I uncover my ears now?
No!
I'm just kiddin'.
I'm, uh, I'm savin' myself, of course,
for my darlin' fiancé who is in Afghanistan.
Really? How virtuous.
See, gents, old-fashioned girls do still exist,
and they can be fun and sexy,
and you shouldn't judge a book by its cover.
I mean, unless you're just interested in the cover,
which, in my case, is perfectly all right.
Okay, I'm just kidding.
No hos in the house tonight.
Now?
Yes, baby, it's fine now.
Where was I? Oh, right, okay.
So for those of you more on a budget,
I've thrown together this little bit of a mutt.
It's a mix of spring and summer
because it's still a little chilly at night.
I made this geometric patterned dress
I paired with a skinny black belt,
lace tights, and my black flats
and for a little added warmth, I have this black cardigan.
It's a jumble of stuff, but I feel like it works, right?
Oh, totally!
Yeah, you don't wanna go out with too little
and suddenly be caught with a chill.
Comfortability before vanity.
I don't think so.
Oh, no.
Look, I would walk a mile in six-inch stilettos
that turn my feet into bloody stumps if they were Manolos.
Truth.
All right, tune in next week for my latest outfit.
Let's give a big round of applause for my fabulous guest,
Francesca Duval.
Thank you. I had a blast.
And for my always handsome and dapper cameraman, Sam.
Stay sexy, freaks.
- Oh, that was so much fun! - So much fun.
Time for bed, Little Man.
Dad! It's early!
Bed!
Go brush your teeth. I'll tuck you in.
Good night, Sam.
Bye.
God, he's so cute.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom now.
- Yeah, sure. - Okay.
- Hey! - Hey.
Everything okay?
Oh! Yeah. Just false alarm.
I'm so sorry about the whole, uh, tampon thing earlier.
You know, you're just, you're so much like a -
You are so fine. No, really,
I mean it's not even the first time that it's happened.
My own doctor gets mixed up about it,
and he's had my junk in his hands.
I'll go in for my medication and he'll be like,
"So we're giving you testosterone, right?"
And I'll be like, "No, estrogen? I'm tryin' to be a girl here?"
What bathroom do you go in?
Well, now I use the women's room.
But back when I was eight and nine,
and it was like the boys against the girls...
The boys would go to one side, the girls would go to the other,
and I'd be stuck in the middle and end up on the sideline
with the kid on crutches.
I changed out in the boys' locker room though,
until my breasts started growin' in when I was like fifteen,
and then the school just kinda gave me
an excused permanent pass from gym.
They just figured it would be easier that way.
Well, how cool were you?
A lifetime, "Get Outta Gym," card.
Stop.
How old's your brother?
He's eight.
Our mom died when he was one, so
I've kinda been the only girl in his life.
More of a mom than a sister, really.
How'd your mom die?
Cancer.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
- Is your family supportive? - Yeah.
My dad actually bought me my first Barbies
when he realized when not havin' an interest in football
wasn't gonna be fixed by just replacing it with baseball.
So I-I guess that means you've never been with a girl, right?
Mm-mm.
Hmm.
Not even once, by accident?
No, I-I can't say I've ever accidentally
tripped and fell while sportin' a boner
and landed in a woman's vagina.
Oh, my God.
I can be clumsy, but I'm not that bad.
I, um, I did almost kiss a girl once, though.
On a dare, I seem to remember.
But I chickened out.
Well, I've never kissed a girl either, so,
I guess we're even.
Look, I don't- I don't wanna be a bad influence.
I respect the sanctity of marriage.
Engagement.
That too.
And I don't wanna have any regrets.
I wanna live out loud, like you do.
It comes with a pretty big price tag.
Not as big a price tag as the alternative.
I'm sorry.
Francesca, wait!
I brushed my teeth. Are you gonna tuck me in?
Yeah, pumpkin. Head upstairs.
I'm glad you have a new friend.
Me, too.
Now get some sleep.
It's okay that I like to play with toy soldiers
and play football, right?
What, honey?
I'm not weird because I'm a boy
and I like to have my marine guys rescue your Barbie dolls
and not the other way around?
We girls always have to do the rescuing,
regardless of how it looks,
but that's a lesson for another day.
Listen...
you are perfect in every way, sweet boy.
You're normal, and there is nothing wrong with you, okay?
However and whatever toys you wanna play with is fine.
You're supposed to do what makes you happy, okay?
What would make me happy
is if a certain little man was asleep right now.
Love you, Dad.
Love you.
What?
You didn't get that from me, is all.
Yes, I did.
Come on.
It'll come tomorrow.
All right.
Ham and cheese, coffee black.
Just make sure he eats it.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
So, Francesca kissed me last night.
She's much deeper than she appears at first blush.
And she's got a big heart.
I like that.
What do you mean she kissed you? Where? When?
In my room, after we made the video.
I don't know, it just kinda happened.
Wha- and-and what- what happened after you kissed?
She ran away.
It was adorable.
You know, you really shouldn't mess around with her.
I mean, she has a fiancé. Marines are nuts.
They kill people for fun.
I ain't scared of him.
And anyway, I'm not a home wrecker.
It was just one innocent kiss.
I'm sure it won't happen again.
Yeah, I'm sure.
Come on! It's not my thing.
You know that.
But a little healthy exploration,
I mean, that's what your early twenties are for, right?
But, um, just in case it should happen again,
maybe if one thing leads to another...
Yeah?
What's it like?
I mean, like, okay, so what would you, um,
what-what would I- Well, what's one supposed to do?
Oh! Oh, Jesus. Oh, here we go.
Robby, come on, I have no one else to talk to about this.
Okay, uh, what do you- what do you wanna know?
Okay, so, you know the, um, the-
Dick?
- On a genetic girl! - Oh, the va-jay-jay.
Oh, my God, you do not watch the Kardashians.
Has my coming out to girls really inspired you, baby?
Please.
Only gay boys watch those girl shows.
Oh, yeah, 'cuz what straight guy
would wanna watch hot sisters and best friends
mess around with each other half naked
and then makin' full-on porn tapes?
That is- that is so gay.
Anyway, I hear it's very, um, it's very complicated.
You know, the vaj,
with all its various fluids flowing at different times.
There's- there's the period, the wetness during sex, so,
okay, so like, I mean, does it start out wet?
Or-or do I have to get it wet?
Well, wait, does she get it- wait- how does it get wet?
Are you fuckin' retarded right now?
It's not easy for me to talk about these things.
Just tell me.
Okay, well... I mean you start makin' out,
you know, like you would with a guy.
Okay, well you-you know how- how you get, like, aroused...
Right.
She will, too.
And that'll make her wet?
Right.
Okay.
Is it tight like an asshole -
Okay! Okay! Google time.
No, no, no, confused gay chat rooms or something, seriously!
Don't be a baby about it, just tell me!
No.
No, it probably won't be as tight as a... No.
Really?
And how would you know?
I just know, okay?
All right, look, can we- come on,
I-I gotta get back to work.
- Where were we? - Tightness.
Right.
No, it-it-it-it won't- it won't be as tight as...
but it will be...
...very, um, warm,
and, uh, like, gushy.
But, like, in the most amazing possible,
you know, warm, gushy way.
I can't believe I'm havin' this conversation.
Look, just try it, okay?
Just-just-just get in there and-and let nature take over.
the other part of you has millions of years of DNA
slammin' down on you, instinctively lettin' you know
how and where to stick it
and-and what the fuck to do with it,
and afterwards, you'll make your own assessment.
Okay, okay.
I gotta be done with this conversation, really,
that's all I'm gonna say about it.
Okay, thank you.
I'd just like to enjoy the last part of my break in peace.
Hey, really, Robby, no, thank you so much.
I really do appreciate your help. Thank you.
You're welcome.
Does it really smell like fish?
'Cuz I don't think I'd be able to handle that.
Look, I'm not sayin' it does or anythin',
but how am I supposed to know?
She smells really good!
It was somethin' I liked about her.
Who smelled really good?
Hey.
Were you talkin' about me?
Yeah, but, you know, he's my best friend.
He won't- he won't tell a soul. I -
No, it's okay.
I trust you.
You dropped this.
Oh.
I'm, uh, I'm sorry about last night.
Runnin' away like, that was so childish of me.
I guess I was just a little bit caught off guard.
It's totally fine.
I was, too.
So... my daddy's havin' another one of his parties and, um,
I was hopin' that you might be able to help me find a dress?
Okay.
You smelled really good, too.
Yeah, see, I have all these dresses.
This is one of the biggest problems livin' in a small town.
One of the biggest problems?
It doesn't even crack my top ten.
I like livin' in a small town.
It makes me feel safe.
It makes me feel claustrophobic.
I can't wait to get outta here.
Really?
Are you kidding?
I was born in the wrong body and the wrong town.
There really are no dresses here.
Come on.
- Whe-where are we goin'? - Target.
Um, yeah, I-I'm the least snobby seemingly snobby person I know,
Oh, my God, I would never have you wear a dress from there.
Thank you.
But I would have you wear a dress
that I make out of a tablecloth from there.
Hmm.
I hate that I'm so short.
I wish I was tall like you.
What are you talkin' about?
You're like the perfect height.
And besides,
boys like girls who are shorter than them anyway.
You're gonna rock this outfit.
Well, we don't dress cute for boys.
Who cares if they like the outfit?
Yes, but we do undress for them.
And we care what they think then, right?
Are you a virgin, too?
Yeah.
I mean, with girls.
Look, I shouldn't be the one to...
It's okay, I want to.
I don't think it's right.
No, it's okay. Really.
It's not okay by me. Look,
you're a virgin. You're about to be married.
Your husband should be the one to...
I lied.
What? You...
I lied.
On your show.
I mean I've lied to everyone about it.
There was this one time when I was fifteen
and drunk at boardin' school, so
it's not like the specialness of the first time
on my wedding night will be, uh, all that special.
I mean not for that reason, anyway.
But your fiancé thinks...
Yeah.
And I'm okay with that.
Look, every girl has their secrets.
I don't wanna be a mood killer or anything,
but we should probably be responsible, have the talk.
Oh!
Yeah, um, well it was just that- it was just that one time,
and-and he used a condom.
You? - Yeah, just once.
He used a condom.
Okay.
I'm not on the pill.
Nothing comes out anymore.
Really?
I-I mean does it, does it feel good?
Yeah.
Just nothing, um, so you can't get pregnant.
- Mm. - Yeah.
So you can't have babies?
Not from my... no.
Do you wanna have babies?
Absolutely.
Someday.
You're so sweet.
You're so soft. Just like... like...
A girl?
Yeah.
And it's so hard, just like a...
A boy?
Yeah.
Do you need to get that?
Uh, no.
I kissed a girl and I liked it.
You did a little more than just kiss me.
Hmm.
Everything okay?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Was it, um...
was it fun?
As fun as when you were with a boy?
It was different.
Very different. But,
but still very nice.
And you?
It was kind of unbelievable, to tell you the truth.
Good.
I'm curious,
I mean does this- does this make me gay?
I don't think so.
Bi-curious?
I don't know.
Well, it has to make me somethin'.
Human?
It makes her a lot more than just human.
Oh, really?
Well, uh, what are the definitions
since you seem to be so clear of what
Francesca is and isn't?
Straight's a penis going into a vagina.
- So I'm straight? - No.
Well, I put my penis in a vagina last night.
Which I still can't believe, but, uh,
yeah, okay, no, by-by doin' that, you were straight.
Even though I have breasts?
Yeah, whatever, you can have rhinoceros ears,
but if you have a dick,
and you stick it in a vagina
that- that's straight sex, sister.
A lovely image, all right, so then, what's gay sex?
Well, gay for a woman is when she rubs her vagina and breasts
on another woman with a vagina and breasts.
Do they have to have rhinoceros ears?
Oh, whatever they do. Y-you know, kiss, scissorin'.
- Ooh, look at you! - Hey!
I am knowledgeable in the arts of various sexual arenas.
Oh, please.
You thank God for "Glee" every day,
or you'd still think scissoring
was a mixed martial arts tap-out hold.
I'm a- I'm a- I'm a Gleek and I'm proud of it.
But I knew about that before that episode.
Why does it even matter what you label as your sexuality?
It doesn't. Look, I could care less, okay?
Whatever floats your boat. What do I give a fuck?
But if you have a penis, I mean, however it got on there,
and you-you stick it in a butt
of a person with-with another penis on theirself,
that's gay sex, okay?
I mean I- you know, in that moment
call yourself whatever you want.
So then, you are a full-on straight dude?
- Yeah, you're damn right. - Never bi-curious in the least?
Not even a little.
Just love you some woo-woo and breastesses.
- All day long! - Yeah!
Some good, clean, normal, God-fearing,
American, boy-meets-girl, heterosexual sex.
Mmm! Damn right, girl!
And during this good, clean, normal, God-fearing,
American, boy-meets-girl, heterosexual sex,
you ever like when a girl sticks her finger up your butt?
What, like that's never happened to you?
No!
No, it has not.
Mm-hmm.
I-I mean, I don't know, maybe once.
With a Jewish girl.
Okay, so, that-that one time with, "a Jewish girl,"
did you like it?
- It was okay. - Uh-huh.
One finger or two?
- I don't- who can remember? - Two.
- Okay, so was that gay sex? - No!
Wha- Well, by your definition
that's somebody else's body part goin' up your, you know,
so that makes it gay, right? - Hold on, now.
No. No!
That- first of all, it-it's- that's
not a man-member goin' up my butt, it's a finger -
- Two fingers. - Whatever!
And it-it's-it's a girl's fingers.
Pretty thick.
And long.
Two fingers, I don't know, it's-it's sort of like,
uh, hmm, a penis.
No!
No.
Nothing like a penis.
So, it's the material that the phallus is made of
that determines whether it's gay sex or not.
And the sex of the person administering the phallus.
Correct.
Okay, I think I'm clear now.
Thank you, sweet baby Jesus.
All right, I think this is her place.
You can just pull over right there.
Wow.
- Hi. - Hey!
- Hey, Robby. - Hey.
Oh.
- Here you go. - Oh!
I am so excited!
Oh, my God, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it!
- Oh my G - - Wow, Ricky, it-it's beautiful.
- Really, you like it? - Yeah.
Thank you so much!
Thank you.
My mama said that you can come to the party tonight.
Oh! Well, I mean that's sweet, but we-
I kinda have plans with Robby.
Horror movie night,
Bella Lugosi, the original Dracula.
Oh, well, Robby, why don't you come, too?
Well, as her date.
it'll be just as fun and scary as a vampire movie,
especially when Uncle Wally
tries to help the little boys pee.
Just kidding.
Kinda.
Please come?
Please, please, please, please, please?
Please?
- Okay. - Yes! Yes!
The basic philosophy that we have brought to the White House
just doesn't work.
It's gonna bankrupt the country, you can guarantee it.
I mean, what's- think of the future of our children.
They are not gonna be able to live creatively.
They aren't gonna have the funds -
If y'all excuse me, um, it's very nice talkin' to you.
Well, nice talkin' to you, Madam.
Hey!
Hi.
You look amazing.
Thanks. You look great.
Thank you.
- Hi, Robby. - Hey.
Oh, Mom.
Um, this is Ricky.
This is the one that made me this dress.
I am so happy to meet you, Ricky.
I really can't believe you made this.
It is stunning!
- Thank you. - Um, this is Robby.
Well, pleased to meet you, too, handsome, young Robby.
The rich just keep gettin' richer, am I right?
Talented and a stud-muffin on your arm.
Well, thank you, but we're just friends.
Well, you need to change that, my dear, ASAP.
Anyone can see he is smitten with you.
Don't have cold feet.
Who are your, uh, friends, Darlin'?
- Uh, this is Ricky. - Pleased to meet you, Sir.
Robby Riley, honor to meet you, Sir.
Thank you, Son. Are you old enough to vote?
And if so, are you votin' for me in the next election?
Come on, now. Keep the politics outta this.
We are havin' a party.
Yes, we are.
And it is a very special party indeed.
- Hmm? - Uh, folks?
Folks, can I have your, uh, attention please?
- For a moment? - What?
Um, as you know, my beautiful daughter Francesca
is betrothed to a fine young soldier, David Applebee,
who is fightin' for our great country in Afghanistan.
- Yes, Sir. - Yes.
- Yes, Sir.
Upon his return, they are to be wed
in a most lavish of ceremonies.
Now, the last year has taken a toll on her pretty smile,
mopin' around all day, only able to see David
on the computer with the Facebook and Tweet and Skype,
whatever it's all called.
And I simply couldn't stand to have it anymore.
It was draggin' us all down.
So, I made a coupla calls to some military friends of mine
in the Pentagon,
who agreed that David had served our country proud
in Afghanistan the last fifteen months
and deserved to be stationed a little closer to home,
so he could spend some time with his fiancée
before the wedding.
Oh, my God!
Aw.
Welcome home, Son.
So how do you all know Francesca?
Were you away at school together?
Oh, no, I just met her in town.
I went to school here, actually.
Oh, so you know David, her fiancé, then?
Yeah, well, I do.
We, uh, played football together.
I didn't really know him.
God, high school in this town, who can survive it?
Isn't that the truth?
I was fat.
I had terrible acne.
And I was a boy, so that sucked.
Pardon us, ladies.
I know you're old enough to vote for me.
The question is, are you gonna?
Oh, Dayton.
Hey, what's the matter, baby?
Aren't you happy to see me?
Why would you even ask me that?
Of course, I'm happy.
I don't know.
You seem a little strange.
And you missed our Skype date last night.
That's the first time in fifteen months I been gone?
I know. I'm sorry, I just...
Where were ya?
Your new best friend's house?
The tranny?
Okay, David, please don't call her that.
Her name is Ricky.
Hey, it's a dude, not a she.
Or maybe a she-male, or whatever,
- but definitely not a, "her." - Please be nice.
She's an amazing person. You don't even know her.
So you were at his house.
Makin' another video with him?
How did y- you know that?
I'm savin' myself, of course, for my darlin' fiancé
who is in Afghanistan.
Really?
How virtuous...
Maybe it's time we got outta here.
You think?
We could spot a pimple on a terrorist's ass
from three miles in the sky at night.
Finding my fiancée doin' a YouTube video with a tranny
is a cakewalk.
And not a very fun one when you're imbedded
with a hundred forty other soldiers in Afghanistan.
It was a harmless video about clothes.
She is an amazing designer- She-she made me this dress!
Well, none of that matters to my guys.
All they see is my girl hangin' out with some sick freak.
How could you do that to me?
I'm the laughin' stock of the U.S. Marines.
And your father?
Did you ever think what this could do to him?
She is a transgender girl, David, not-not a-a terrorist.
Yeah?
How can you be so sure?
Seriously, Francesca,
you need to stop hangin' around with that thing.
I mean, we have a certain image to uphold.
Indeed we do.
Who is this evildoer she has to stay away from?
Oh, I'm sorry, Ma'am,
I-I don't wanna upset your nice party with this talk.
Please, Son, we're all family here.
Speak freely.
I'm more liberal than I appear. - Oh, please, Daddy.
You are so deeply in bed with the tea party,
you'd let Bill O'Reilly teabag you.
Well, I don't know what that means,
but if it means I would enjoy a nice glass of iced tea
with Mr. O'Reilly then yes,
I would be more than happy to teabag with him.
Honey, don't repeat that term again.
That's not quite what it means.
We'll talk about it later.
What has gotten into you?
You're not the same girl lately.
It's hangin' around with that guy.
What guy?
Tell him, or I will.
He means Ricky.
Well, I thought his name was Robby, the boy she came with.
Um, no, he's Robby and she's Ricky,
but that's not what David means, is it?
Well, I thought they were both fine, young people
with good heads on their shoulders.
And that Ricky is quite a pretty young girl, to boot.
That's not a girl, Sir.
It's a boy.
I am confused, Honey. What is he talkin' about?
It's a transvestite.
Or whatever.
It's a man below, but a girl up top,
if you get my meaning, Sir.
That black haired girl that made your dress,
the one I met just the other minute?
Yes, Father. Ricky.
He's here?
- Now? - Stop calling her that!
She is a girl, God damn it!
Get that through your thick skull! She is a girl!
Francesca.
I will not call that faggot a girl.
But she is as much a girl as I am, and for the record,
can make any girl as happy as she'd ever wanna be,
in more ways than one.
What's that supposed to mean?
Stand down, Marine, or I will snap you like a twig!
and she will keep company with any person she sees fit
and you will treat her with respect,
or you will not be permitted in her presence.
Is that understood?
Dayton, let him go!
Let him go! Dayton!
All right, a dollar does it.
Thank you very much, and you girls have a great day.
Thanks, Ricky.
Hello, Ma'am. How can I help you?
I was just thinkin' about havin' a cookie with nu...
Well, hello, Ricky. How are you?
Ooh, strong.
I like that.
And that's why I like you, Ricky.
You're strong.
A-a strong person, I mean.
Thank you.
My daughter is not so strong.
She never has been.
She's more fragile.
She never has had her heart broken.
Her life's been pretty good.
And you think mine hasn't?
Well, now, I didn't say that.
I know you have a lotta people who love you very much.
That is plain to see.
But I suspect,
and forgive me if I am wrong, but I suspect
that you've had your fair share of hard knocks
that you've had to rise above
to become the luminous young...
lady that you clearly are.
You don't want Francesca.
You have your eye on someone else.
That is also plain to see to anyone.
Let her down, sooner than later, please?
I have no doubt that your affection for her is genuine,
but we both know this is not a forever thing
and she has a wedding to prepare for.
One final word of advice.
Beautiful women
are the only women who get heard in this world.
You have that goin' for you,
but should it ever come up,
transgender just sounds so... ugly.
You'd be better off just tellin' everybody
you have a birth defect.
Thank you, Helen.
Sage words, indeed.
Is that what you tell people is your excuse?
Did you sleep with her?
It's none of your business.
Don't you walk away from me, freak.
Keep your hands off me. Fuck off, David.
A lady doesn't kiss and tell. Why should I?
You are not a lady!
I swear to God,
if you had sex with my fiancée, I will fuckin' kill you.
You like bein' on top of me, David?
From what I can recall,
you like bein' on the bottom much more.
Did you tell her?
Course not.
I mean, she doesn't even think I know who you are.
Your secret's safe with me.
I'm great with secrets.
Look, you took my virginity,
and to this day, are the only man I have ever slept with.
So no matter how much of an asshole you can be,
you'll always be special to me.
David!
Wha -
Did he hurt you?
No!
No, he didn't. No.
What is going on?
You should talk to David.
I'm asking you what is going on!
You should talk to David.
You haven't been returnin' my texts or my calls.
I've just had a lot on my mind the past few days.
I-I'm sorry.
You don't wanna see me anymore, do you?
I like you so much.
I know you do.
But...
You do not need to explain.
And you wouldn't want me anyway.
Please don't tell me what I want.
I can't give you babies. I-I can't -
Please don't tell me what I want.
I wasn't thinkin' about the future.
For once in my life, I was just thinkin' about right now.
Here.
It's amazing.
Here. So electric.
It's a wonder more people don't visit, here.
But it hurts more, too.
Here.
I guess it's just easier to just stay way over there
with the Marine, stay-at-home mom.
You are gonna do great things in New York.
I haven't even opened it yet. I'm too scared.
Oh, don't be scared. You'll get in.
Thanks.
We can still be friends, can't we?
Maybe someday.
Francesca...
Don't feel bad.
You did nothin' wrong.
I'm so much better for havin' known you.
Who is it?
It's me.
What are you doin' here?
What do ya mean? It's TV night.
Can I come in?
Um, yeah.
Yeah, sure, come in.
- Hey. - Hey.
How ya doin'?
I'm great. How are you?
I'm fine.
Heard you, uh, broke it off with Francesca.
How'd ya hear that?
Well, it's a small town.
You're you.
Yeah, well, guess that's true, huh?
You don't seem very upset.
Course I am.
I mean it sucks, but shit happens.
Two people can like each other,
but it's not always gonna be enough.
So you gotta break up.
Really quickly.
Right?
And that's that?
Yup. Pretty much.
What else am I supposed to do? Mope around for a month?
And, you know, I'll be damned if I'm gonna let hormones
get me all emotional about this, you know?
You know, you can be as much of a bitch
as any biological girl I've ever met.
And by the way, it's not true
that men are the ones who cut and run.
Girls are the ones who flip that switch and are onto the next.
The real truth is we get our hearts broken
and we stay crushed but...
not you.
That part of you is apparently all girl.
You know, Robbie, I'm sure I would get my heart broken
if I really did care for someone, and they left me.
So you didn't really care for Francesca?
What-what-what- What was that, then?
Just some, what, fun toy experiment?
No! No, she wasn't! I was very fond of her!
In spite of the fact that I've never been into girls,
I honestly tried
because I was so fucking fond of her.
And no, you know what? I didn't love her.
When I figured that out, I cut her loose to be kind,
and why the fuck are you giving me
such a hard time about this anyway?
Because, you know, you skate through life
all la-di-da, not a care in the world,
when you leave bodies in your wake.
You know, it's like you think you're exempt
because you're not a rea -
'Cuz I'm not a real what?
Whatever.
No.
No, not whatever.
Say it.
"I think I'm exempt because I'm not a real what?"
- I'll talk to you later. - No!
Finish it!
"I think I'm exempt because I'm not a real what?"
You're not a real anything, okay?
You're not a real anything!
You're not a boy and you're not a girl.
You're right.
I'm not a real anything.
So wha- Ricky, neither are any of us.
That-that-that-that doesn't give you the right to be unkind!
You know, you-you- you think you have the market cornered
on feeling alienated?
I mean, shit, no matter what we look like or who we are,
we're all just stumblin' through life
trying to figure this shit out, just like you!
Yeah, but, you know, unlike me,
you all have an "us," to figure it out with.
My "us"? It's just me, Robbie.
Try that some time.
Lemme know how it works for you.
No, no, no! See, there you go again!
It's all about you, isn't it?
It's always all about you!
Have you forgotten that I have been on your side,
only on your side, without condition,
since we were six years old!
Of course I've never forgotten that, Robbie.
And that's why I've always trusted
that you were the only person in this world
who didn't secretly feel this way about me.
So now I guess my, "me," just got even smaller, huh?
No big deal, though.
I'm used to it.
No, really, everything is just fine.
Oh, what the fuck... Excuse me, Buddy.
- Will you look at somethin'? - No, I got to go.
Please! Please.
All right.
You shouldn't be goin' through people's private things.
I help her when she makes her fashion videos.
I accidentally found this, but I was afraid to show Dad.
Okay.
I thought your mom died of cancer.
So did I.
Wait, it's not over!
Ricky, it's me. Please call me back, okay?
Please.
I'm sorry!
Mike, Mike, have you seen Ricky?
Not tonight.
Ricky!
What's all this shoutin' about?
Oh, my God!
Oh my G- Are you okay?
Yeah, I told you I'm fine.
I saw the, uh -
You saw what?
I saw that video you- you made when you were younger.
About your mother.
You hacked into my computer?
No, Sam found it by accident.
Don't-don't be mad at him.
He was scared.
I was scared.
Why?
It seemed like- like you could hurt yourself.
Well, now you know all my secrets.
Ricky, why didn't you tell me any of those things?
Because you're my only friend,
and if you thought I was crazy or something, I'd be all alone.
I couldn't risk it.
Oh, I still woulda been your friend.
You be very careful right now, Robbie.
And I'm so sorry for those things
that I-I said to you, Ricky.
I didn't mean any of 'em.
You are not confused at all.
You are the most unconfused person I know.
And I didn't realize it at the time,
but I was completely jealous of Francesca.
I mean, you've had crushes before, but
nothin' like that.
To see you look at someone else like that,
it just- it just made me crazy.
You are so beautiful, Ricky.
You still think I'm beautiful?
Are you scared?
It's okay if you're a little scared.
I'm a little scared.
I'm not.
I love you, Ricky.
It's okay if you wanna ignore...
I don't want to ignore anything about you,
ever again.
Do you love me?
I've always loved you, Robbie.
Since the day you ran away from that pervert I thought,
"Now, that's a keeper."
What do you want me to do?
Well, let's start with...
How's that sound?
Yeah, pretty-pretty good.
But, uh, I swear to you, Robby Riley,
if you smell like fish, I will vomit on you.
Okay, mood killer.
Oh, I think you'll recover just fine.
You know, I don't know, I mean,
I'm already just a little bit outta my comfort zone here,
and if you're gonna start crackin'...
All right.
So did that, uh...
did that feel good to you?
Last night?
Yeah.
You, uh, you're amazingly good with your hands.
Well, I've had a lotta practice.
Are you freaked out?
Maybe a little, but it's just because it's so new, you know?
I-I just... just never thought about...
you know, before.
Do you regret it?
How could I regret realizing I'm in love
with the hottest girl in town?
Who just so happens to be my best friend.
Hmm?
I didn't get into the Fashion Institute.
I know.
I saw that stupid letter.
I'm so sorry. You'll go to New York anyway.
Puttin' out a clothing line takes a lotta money.
I don't even have enough to go to New York,
let alone put out a clothing line.
So, you'll get a job.
Like millions of other aspiring artists do every year.
And you'll make your clothes on the weekends,
just like you do now. I mean it -
I just don't have it in me, Robbie.
I know it seems like it doesn't, but it...
it takes so much for me to put a smile on my face
and go out in the world every day.
And that's here, you know, where people know me.
And like me.
I'll just stay here.
And I got you now.
Life wouldn't be so bad.
It was just a silly dream anyway.
Most people give up on their dreams, you know?
It's not the end of the world.
I'm so sorry I cheated on you.
That was wrong.
Of course, that was wrong.
Can you forgive me?
Are you in love with her?
I love so many things about her.
But am I in love with her, and...
...do I see myself with her forever?
No, probably not.
Are you still in love with me?
I am.
Can you still see a life forever with me?
I don't know.
I don't like how you can hate.
I mean, I understand it has to be part of your job,
and your job protects us, and it keeps us safe,
and for that, I'm forever grateful,
and-and I think you're heroic,
but people like Ricky are not the enemy.
There's no reason to hate here.
And I don't know if you can ever change that part of yourself.
I slept with her.
Wha- you slept with who?
Ricky.
My sophomore year.
Right before you and I started datin', actually.
What do you mean you slept with her?
We did everything there is to do.
So, no, I don't hate her.
And if you don't hate me for doin' it,
it might go a long way towards me
not hatin' myself for doin' it either.
Of course I don't hate you.
Hmm.
How come you never told me?
Right.
And even Robbie never knew?
No one did.
We were very careful.
Did you like it?
Do you wanna do it again?
I liked some things about it.
But really, I just liked her.
A lot.
And I wanted to be as close with her as possible,
so one night I... we...
Mm-hmm.
But, no, I-I've thought about it a lot,
and I don't need to do it again.
How 'bout this...
how 'bout we'll postpone the wedding,
not call it off, just, just postpone it for a little while.
And get to know each other again?
Starting now.
The real us, not...
not the, "us," everybody told us we were.
And then, ask me again and, um,
I'm pretty sure I'll say yes.
Hold your horses, I'm comin'.
Well, come on, now, you're gonna be late for work.
'cause your dad's waitin' on me at a parts' store in Otter Creek
and he will not be happy.
Let's go!
Let Ricky know she's got some mail.
All right, you got it, Joe. Thank you.
Come on!
Okay.
Let's go.
What? I thought we were in such a hurry. Let's go.
I don't even get a kiss hello anymore?
That's it, a-after a week together,
we're just some old married couple,
all the magic's gone?
Well, you know, if you'd gotten here on time,
than just a little ole married couple kiss.
Oh, really?
a little ole married couple quickie BJ.
But you missed your chance.
Okay, but seriously, I can't be late, let's go.
Don't you think you should check your mail?
For what? No.
Oh, I-I mean, you should check your mail.
That was kinda mean, actually.
Well, now, wait a minute, I'm not being mean.
I just, you know,
I think you should just check your mail, that's all.
Why? What's goin' on?
Nothin', Ricky, I ju- Look, Joe just came by, he put some...
just check.
Please?
- What the - - What is it?
Okay, what the hell's goin' on?
- Oh, somethin' interesting? - What did you do?
Why are people sending me money?
Ricky, Ricky.
Ricky, look.
Okay, that's it for today's video.
Before I go, I wanted to talk to you
about the outfit that I'm wearin'
because I'm wearing a dress. What?
Why? I know, because I like it.
It was made by this girl named Ricky,
who's a fashion designer from Kentucky.
She didn't get accepted into
some fancy New York fashion school,
and now she is discouraged about the fashion line
that she wants to make eventually in her life.
So I am going to send one dollar bill to Ricky
in helping with her to create her fashion line
and I encourage you to do the same
if you feel strongly about this.
I think that she could be a really great designer
and I wanna support that, so Ricky, here's to you.
And that's the end of this video. Bye!
Couldn't fit it all in the truck.
David and Francesca were kind enough to help.
I hope you don't mind. Well, it was Robbie's idea,
but I thought if we maybe sent her the dress.
Not that I didn't love it, of course.
We wish you the very best of luck in New York, Ricky.
We really do.
Well, thank you.
All right, there's the last of it, I think.
Oh, I'm so proud of you.
I know that you've always thought that she didn't, um,
you know, totally approve,
but that's something that you'd do well to let go of.
You used to cry somethin' fierce in the night,
and the only thing that would soothe you
was her whispering in your ear over and over,
"You are perfect in every way, sweet boy."
She woulda said sweet girl if she could of.
- I know that in my head, but - - Well, know it in your heart.
Because life is short.
There ain't no time to waste it on things
that are not the truth.
I'll try, Daddy.
Yeah.
Hey, kiddo,
so you're the man of the house now.
You take good care of him, okay?
I will.
You should post that video.
Okay. Post it for me.
I will.
I love you, Sweetheart.
I love you, too.
That's great, man. Appreciate it.
That kid of mine's been throwing me curveballs my whole life.
But luckily, I play baseball.
Take care of my little girl up there, okay?
You know I will, Sir.
All right.
Are you ready?
What do you think?
- Dad, can I have her - - Her room?
No, the car.
Yeah.
Yeah!
In about ten years.
Oh, man, come on.