1 00:00:19,519 --> 00:00:22,657 So, I'm not a big believer in blind dates. 2 00:00:22,682 --> 00:00:24,189 - Uh, me neither. 3 00:00:24,191 --> 00:00:26,258 Even though work colleagues swore I'd like her... 4 00:00:26,260 --> 00:00:27,760 My sister promised I'd like him. 5 00:00:27,762 --> 00:00:30,162 - Still... - - We were skeptical. 6 00:00:30,164 --> 00:00:32,031 That is until... 7 00:00:32,033 --> 00:00:34,099 I saw her. 8 00:00:34,101 --> 00:00:36,468 And I saw him. 9 00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:43,776 - Something clicked. We started talking. - We couldn't stop 10 00:00:43,778 --> 00:00:47,379 - the whole night. -Closed down the restaurant and went and got drinks. 11 00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:48,781 And then he's such a gentlemen. 12 00:00:48,783 --> 00:00:51,316 - He walked me home. - Well, almost home. 13 00:00:51,318 --> 00:00:53,419 Right, 'cause on this dark street, 14 00:00:53,421 --> 00:00:55,387 these two huge thugs with brass knuckles... 15 00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:58,590 - And nunchucks. - -And really bad skin. 16 00:00:58,592 --> 00:01:01,693 They grabbed me, said that they wanted our money and were going to rape me. 17 00:01:01,695 --> 00:01:04,229 We want your money and are going to rape you. 18 00:01:04,231 --> 00:01:07,099 - It was horrible. - -Well, it could've been. 19 00:01:07,101 --> 00:01:09,501 Right, if Barry hadn't vowed to protect 20 00:01:09,503 --> 00:01:12,304 New York City streets since being orphaned as a boy. 21 00:01:12,306 --> 00:01:14,706 - Yeah. I'm the trust-funded avenger. 22 00:01:14,708 --> 00:01:17,242 Is he ever. Barry learned Thai-stick fighting 23 00:01:17,244 --> 00:01:18,610 on the rough streets of Princeton. 24 00:01:18,612 --> 00:01:20,512 He was so calm and strong. 25 00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:22,781 I'd never seen a throwing star. 26 00:01:22,783 --> 00:01:24,650 Lucky for them, I was with a beautiful lady 27 00:01:24,652 --> 00:01:26,351 otherwise, I wouldn't have been so nice. 28 00:01:26,353 --> 00:01:30,522 And after seeing the almost tender way 29 00:01:30,524 --> 00:01:31,723 - he vanquished those ruffians... 30 00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:33,425 I am quite compassionate. 31 00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:36,395 I knew right then, it was time. 32 00:01:36,397 --> 00:01:38,130 Time for me to take her virginity. 33 00:01:38,132 --> 00:01:40,232 I thought I would be scared 34 00:01:40,234 --> 00:01:42,201 but, thankfully, prior to me 35 00:01:42,203 --> 00:01:44,336 Barry had made love to more than 80 women. 36 00:01:44,338 --> 00:01:48,307 - 83... which is a lot. - I felt like I was made of light... 37 00:01:48,309 --> 00:01:51,577 A sexual firefly or something. Hot-throbbing... 38 00:01:51,579 --> 00:01:57,149 - Fetishistic climaxes again and again and again. 39 00:01:57,151 --> 00:01:59,151 And, the next morning, after we won $38 million 40 00:01:59,153 --> 00:02:01,386 playing nickel slots... 41 00:02:01,388 --> 00:02:03,856 And started travelling the world and haven't stopped since. 42 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,627 But, Charlie, that's us, yo. What about you? 43 00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,729 - I haven't seen you since, I don't know, high school. -Wow. 44 00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:12,631 What's goin' on? Tell us about your lucky lady. 45 00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:13,832 You've got one of those, right? 46 00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:16,735 Yeah, what's goin' on with you? 47 00:02:21,508 --> 00:02:23,909 Ever notice when you're not in a relationship 48 00:02:23,911 --> 00:02:27,546 everyone else is in a ridiculously happy one? 49 00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:32,384 Seriously? Unbelievable. 50 00:02:32,386 --> 00:02:35,521 I mean, this guy? These two? 51 00:02:35,523 --> 00:02:37,589 It's not like this shit ever works out for me. 52 00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:41,560 Charlie, you called her 53 00:02:41,562 --> 00:02:43,729 ten times a day for the past two weeks. 54 00:02:43,731 --> 00:02:45,464 She doesn't like you, dude. 55 00:02:45,466 --> 00:02:48,333 Now help me find this boomerang before your mom 56 00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:51,303 - makes us do geometry. - -Was it my fault? 57 00:02:51,305 --> 00:02:53,906 Who puts a heart around "no" if she doesn't mean "yes"? 58 00:02:53,908 --> 00:02:55,707 Come on. 59 00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:57,609 And college was even worse. 60 00:02:57,611 --> 00:03:00,479 All I'm saying is next time don't leave me there by myself 61 00:03:00,481 --> 00:03:02,381 while you go talk to frat guys all night, okay? 62 00:03:02,383 --> 00:03:05,617 You're the one who told me to go flirt for free beer, remember? 63 00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:08,287 - You didn't have to like it so much. - Charlie... 64 00:03:13,459 --> 00:03:17,696 So that's how to avoid failing the final exam. 65 00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:18,964 Christ. 66 00:03:18,966 --> 00:03:20,866 You name the relationship 67 00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:22,668 I'll tell you where it went wrong. 68 00:03:26,607 --> 00:03:28,774 That dog was such a buzz-kill. 69 00:03:28,776 --> 00:03:30,709 Let's just say we're both happy it ended... 70 00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:34,746 Like how all my relationships ended... happy. 71 00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:37,416 Well, until Angela. 72 00:03:37,418 --> 00:03:38,817 You have got to be kidding me. 73 00:03:38,819 --> 00:03:41,220 Angela, I'm sorry I woke you up. 74 00:03:41,222 --> 00:03:43,922 You used to like middle-of-the-night sex. 75 00:03:43,924 --> 00:03:48,493 I mean you are white-hot, basically naked in my bed. 76 00:03:48,495 --> 00:03:49,628 You practically groped me. 77 00:03:49,630 --> 00:03:51,763 With my knee? While sleeping? 78 00:03:54,301 --> 00:03:57,236 - Shit. Do you see it anywhere? 79 00:03:58,671 --> 00:04:00,739 Hey! 80 00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:03,008 - It's gonna be all right. Okay? -I told you 81 00:04:03,010 --> 00:04:04,810 to shut that window. 82 00:04:04,812 --> 00:04:07,512 Blood-sucking mosquitoes are never gonna let me sleep. 83 00:04:07,514 --> 00:04:09,881 - Honey. -I'm already nervous for my meeting. 84 00:04:09,883 --> 00:04:12,484 Hey. Honey, honey, honey, honey. 85 00:04:12,486 --> 00:04:14,386 Listen... 86 00:04:14,388 --> 00:04:16,755 - You know tomorrow's gonna go great. 87 00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:20,459 And I promise you, even if I have to stay up all night to do it, 88 00:04:20,461 --> 00:04:23,695 you can sleep the entire time. 89 00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:27,899 That mosquito's teeny tiny little life will end. 90 00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:29,334 And ever since Angela and I broke up 91 00:04:29,336 --> 00:04:31,737 I just can't stop thinking. 92 00:04:31,739 --> 00:04:33,405 Don't just kill it... Torture it. 93 00:04:33,407 --> 00:04:35,540 Pump it for information find out where those 94 00:04:35,542 --> 00:04:37,676 insect sleeper cells live. 95 00:04:37,678 --> 00:04:39,945 I'm gonna waterboard the shit out of that mosquito. 96 00:04:39,947 --> 00:04:42,047 Good. 97 00:04:42,049 --> 00:04:45,417 And I don't care what the mainstream liberal media 98 00:04:45,419 --> 00:04:47,419 - has to say about it. - Mmm. 99 00:04:48,688 --> 00:04:50,789 The little fucker deserves it! 100 00:04:54,662 --> 00:04:56,795 I love you. 101 00:05:04,370 --> 00:05:08,507 Mmm. You promise that mosquito dies after? 102 00:05:10,410 --> 00:05:13,445 Alive mosquitoes are so last year. 103 00:05:17,016 --> 00:05:20,419 - Just in case. - Hmm. 104 00:05:20,421 --> 00:05:23,655 Whoa. Oh. 105 00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:32,964 And even though Angela and I are finished, 106 00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:36,001 "why" just doesn't make sense. 107 00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:37,969 I mean, wouldn't it have been simpler for us 108 00:05:37,971 --> 00:05:39,671 if we just did the things in our relationship 109 00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,740 that our grandparents did in theirs? 110 00:05:41,742 --> 00:05:43,342 They never split up. 111 00:05:43,344 --> 00:05:45,010 Hell, even our parents' generation 112 00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:47,813 did enough to at least fake-out the kids pre-divorce. 113 00:05:47,815 --> 00:05:50,849 And while I know pretending is no sure-fire cure-all 114 00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:53,051 it sure as shit beats reality. 115 00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:08,433 I don't know. 116 00:06:08,435 --> 00:06:11,770 I wish just once I had a clue what to do. 117 00:06:11,772 --> 00:06:14,573 And, I mean, I just can't get out of my head. 118 00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:18,110 My brain just keeps playing and replaying and replaying. 119 00:06:18,112 --> 00:06:19,878 "Why did the relationship end?" 120 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,580 How can I get over her? 121 00:06:21,582 --> 00:06:23,415 And I don't know. 122 00:06:23,417 --> 00:06:25,584 So... No change then? 123 00:06:25,586 --> 00:06:29,888 I really, really tried to make it work, Charlie. 124 00:06:31,124 --> 00:06:32,924 But you just didn't live here. 125 00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:34,760 You were in another world. 126 00:06:34,762 --> 00:06:39,097 What about the daydreams and sex fantasies? 127 00:06:39,099 --> 00:06:41,533 Are you still having those? 128 00:06:41,535 --> 00:06:43,702 No. 129 00:06:43,704 --> 00:06:45,537 Look, I know you believe 130 00:06:45,539 --> 00:06:47,472 that other couples are truly happy 131 00:06:47,474 --> 00:06:49,508 but the truth is, they aren't. 132 00:06:49,510 --> 00:06:52,077 Nobody's happy unless they're single 133 00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:55,914 and don't have to make compromises... relationship compromises 134 00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:57,849 that frankly suck for everyone. 135 00:06:57,851 --> 00:07:01,887 Even single people only think they're happy 136 00:07:01,889 --> 00:07:03,655 but they really aren't. 137 00:07:03,657 --> 00:07:05,824 They hate their parents, they hate their jobs 138 00:07:05,826 --> 00:07:07,826 and their goddamn fantasy football teams. 139 00:07:07,828 --> 00:07:12,531 Whatever they can come up with to keep themselves miserable. 140 00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:15,500 Miserable, Charlie, is what people are meant to be. 141 00:07:15,502 --> 00:07:17,803 You mind if I smoke? 142 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:22,774 I wish you could hear 143 00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:26,912 half of the incessant whining that goes on in this room. 144 00:07:26,914 --> 00:07:29,748 You people are relentless. 145 00:07:29,750 --> 00:07:34,553 Although my Catskills cabin does say thank you. 146 00:07:34,555 --> 00:07:36,621 Well, then sign me up for six more years 147 00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:38,023 of these sessions right now, can we? 148 00:07:39,993 --> 00:07:44,529 Charlie, you pose a very good question... 149 00:07:44,531 --> 00:07:47,499 Very good... About our sessions. 150 00:07:48,534 --> 00:07:51,236 Um, Charlie. 151 00:07:51,238 --> 00:07:55,907 We need to talk. I've wanted to bring this up for a long time, 152 00:07:55,909 --> 00:08:00,011 but with your birthday and the summer holidays 153 00:08:00,013 --> 00:08:03,081 and that layoff situation you've been dealing with, 154 00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:04,683 I didn't think it was the right time... 155 00:08:04,685 --> 00:08:07,886 But, you know, when is it really 156 00:08:07,888 --> 00:08:10,155 the "right time"? 157 00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:11,723 Charlie, what I'm saying is 158 00:08:11,725 --> 00:08:14,759 I think it would be good for us 159 00:08:14,761 --> 00:08:18,163 to take a little time off. 160 00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:20,232 It's August, right? You're probably headed to 161 00:08:20,234 --> 00:08:22,901 wherever that massive therapist rave is. 162 00:08:22,903 --> 00:08:25,203 Wherever you guys go this time of year. Just give me the dates. 163 00:08:25,205 --> 00:08:27,806 - It's fine. - No, that's not it. 164 00:08:27,808 --> 00:08:29,741 Charlie, look. 165 00:08:29,743 --> 00:08:32,878 I need to stop seeing you 166 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:36,114 because it's time for me to start seeing other people. 167 00:08:36,116 --> 00:08:38,917 Oh. Is it something I said? 168 00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:41,586 No, it's not you, Charlie 169 00:08:41,588 --> 00:08:44,256 it's me. 170 00:08:45,591 --> 00:08:47,692 You know, you saying that 171 00:08:47,694 --> 00:08:52,998 - really does bring up a lot of feelings for me. 172 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,267 Shit. I really gotta take this. 173 00:08:55,269 --> 00:08:57,068 Mm-hmm. Yeah. 174 00:08:57,070 --> 00:08:59,237 I'm gonna need some more of this stuff. 175 00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:01,039 I don't know where the hell you got this shit, 176 00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:03,008 but it's spectacular. 177 00:09:59,298 --> 00:10:01,700 Throbbing, fetishistic climaxes 178 00:10:01,702 --> 00:10:04,970 again and again and again. 179 00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:09,841 There's no question Franco made a great play. 180 00:10:09,843 --> 00:10:13,011 Just catching the ball at your feet is tough enough 181 00:10:13,013 --> 00:10:15,013 let alone one sailing end-over-end 182 00:10:15,015 --> 00:10:16,681 then to dance down the sideline 183 00:10:16,683 --> 00:10:18,650 even throw in a little bit of stiff-arm? 184 00:10:18,652 --> 00:10:21,219 Yeah. It was incredible. But still... 185 00:10:21,221 --> 00:10:23,188 It's not the same thing. 186 00:10:23,190 --> 00:10:26,391 Now, baseball, on the other hand 187 00:10:26,393 --> 00:10:28,693 now, that is a game of matchups. 188 00:10:28,695 --> 00:10:31,062 That is a game of intent. You can't get lucky 189 00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:33,164 and hit a 98-mile-an-hour fastball. 190 00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:36,034 You can't get lucky and throw a sweeping curveball 191 00:10:36,036 --> 00:10:38,003 nailing the outside corner of the plate. 192 00:10:38,005 --> 00:10:40,372 I mean, what's better than two outs, 193 00:10:40,374 --> 00:10:42,941 bottom of the ninth, three-two count, 194 00:10:42,943 --> 00:10:45,810 a runner on second and down by a run? 195 00:10:45,812 --> 00:10:48,046 The pitch Dennis Eckersley intends to throw 196 00:10:48,048 --> 00:10:50,682 and the swing kirk Gibson intends to put on the ball... 197 00:10:50,684 --> 00:10:54,753 One pitch, one swing... a world series winner and a world series loser? 198 00:10:54,755 --> 00:10:57,922 I mean, it's insane! 199 00:10:57,924 --> 00:11:00,825 But listen to me, rambling on. 200 00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:02,961 All talking... 201 00:11:02,963 --> 00:11:05,397 Talking is exactly what we don't need me to be doing, 202 00:11:05,399 --> 00:11:08,366 - now do we? 203 00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:11,102 You, my friend 204 00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:13,071 need to be watching further examples 205 00:11:13,073 --> 00:11:15,774 of baseball's superiority to every other sport in the world 206 00:11:15,776 --> 00:11:18,109 while I... I need to... 207 00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:21,446 Well, you'll figure out the rest. 208 00:11:24,083 --> 00:11:26,418 That's some athleticism, wouldn't you say, Kenny? 209 00:11:26,420 --> 00:11:29,154 An all-star caliber move. No question about it. 210 00:11:29,156 --> 00:11:31,156 - So smooth. -Makes a tough play look easy 211 00:11:31,158 --> 00:11:34,025 time and time again. 212 00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:37,295 What is that noise? 213 00:11:42,902 --> 00:11:46,071 Good morning, ladies and gentlemen 214 00:11:46,073 --> 00:11:48,306 we are delighted to have you aboard this 45-minute 215 00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:50,842 non-stop flight to New York's Laguardia airport. 216 00:11:50,844 --> 00:11:53,745 Please ensure that your seatbacks are in upright position 217 00:11:53,747 --> 00:11:56,214 your tabletops are stowed and that you have avoided 218 00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:57,816 our thousand dollar check-bag fee 219 00:11:57,818 --> 00:11:59,918 by placing absolutely everything you own 220 00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:01,419 in the overhead bins above. 221 00:12:01,421 --> 00:12:03,388 If you are seated in the middle seat 222 00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:06,157 this does entitle you to the use of both armrests 223 00:12:06,159 --> 00:12:08,460 regardless of whether the stupid fucker sitting next to you 224 00:12:08,462 --> 00:12:10,995 has any idea of airplane etiquette whatsoever. 225 00:12:10,997 --> 00:12:14,032 After takeoff, you will be permitted to use the iPhone 226 00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:16,501 but prior to that time even the single use of an iPhone 227 00:12:16,503 --> 00:12:19,871 will cause the plane to crash resulting in your eternal damnation 228 00:12:19,873 --> 00:12:22,507 - straight to hell. - Welcome aboard. 229 00:12:25,779 --> 00:12:28,346 Oh, sh... 230 00:12:28,348 --> 00:12:30,982 Whoopsies! 231 00:12:30,984 --> 00:12:33,785 Wow. May I be of some assistance to you? 232 00:12:33,787 --> 00:12:36,755 - Yeah, that'd be great. -I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. 233 00:12:36,757 --> 00:12:38,523 I am gonna give this to you... 234 00:12:38,525 --> 00:12:41,259 Little "Presie"... And I will take this 235 00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:44,229 and you can pick it up at gate check on your way out 236 00:12:44,231 --> 00:12:47,465 - when we land in New York. - No, it's a really small bag. 237 00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:49,768 - Yes. -There has to be some room on board for it. 238 00:12:49,770 --> 00:12:52,937 Hmm. You poor, poor dear. 239 00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:54,939 I'll tell you what I'm gonna do for you. 240 00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:56,975 Come see me when you are exiting the aircraft 241 00:12:56,977 --> 00:13:00,145 and I will credit you with quadruple miles for today's flight 242 00:13:00,147 --> 00:13:02,480 that you will never be able to redeem, hmm? 243 00:13:02,482 --> 00:13:04,983 Buckle up. 244 00:13:06,886 --> 00:13:09,988 - This is me. 245 00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:12,791 You just got totally hosed. 246 00:13:12,793 --> 00:13:15,193 - I know, right? - Mm-hmm. Yeah. 247 00:13:15,195 --> 00:13:17,428 - Half the bags on this flight are bigger than that. -Seriously. 248 00:13:17,430 --> 00:13:20,565 Thought it was bad getting the full Monty going through X-ray search. 249 00:13:20,567 --> 00:13:22,801 Oh, that's nothing. See that old lady over there? 250 00:13:22,803 --> 00:13:25,603 She practically begged for the thumb treatment. She's such a terrorist. 251 00:13:27,340 --> 00:13:30,975 - Look at her. Don't let that fool you. - Such a terrorist. 252 00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:33,845 Um... 253 00:13:33,847 --> 00:13:36,314 - Online dating, huh? - You saw that, did ya? 254 00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:38,950 - I'm not judging. - Wanna give me a hand? 255 00:13:38,952 --> 00:13:40,418 - Mm-hmm. Yes, I do. - Yeah? 256 00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:42,987 Okay. Date or no date? 257 00:13:42,989 --> 00:13:45,323 Well, how 'bout... Oh! Sally! 258 00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:48,126 - She's 28, enjoys emasculation of men -Sally. 259 00:13:48,128 --> 00:13:50,929 Throwing up after meals and long walks on the beach. 260 00:13:50,931 --> 00:13:52,597 - Date. Definitely. - Yeah? 261 00:13:52,599 --> 00:13:54,966 - Yeah. She had me at "emasculation." -Wow. You're a natural. 262 00:13:54,968 --> 00:13:57,135 - Okay, Gretchen. She's 30 -ooh. Gretch. 263 00:13:57,137 --> 00:13:58,970 She enjoys lying about her age, being sensitive 264 00:13:58,972 --> 00:14:02,106 smart and funny and only posting one picture 265 00:14:02,108 --> 00:14:05,143 - that was taken 12-15 years ago. - Yeah. Without question 266 00:14:05,145 --> 00:14:07,045 - she will look that good in person. - Mm-hmm. 267 00:14:07,047 --> 00:14:08,580 - Without question. Take her out tonight. - Tonight? 268 00:14:08,582 --> 00:14:10,081 Yeah. Don't even wait a minute. 269 00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:11,549 I already have plans tonight. 270 00:14:11,551 --> 00:14:13,852 She's out on work release so... 271 00:14:13,854 --> 00:14:15,887 - That'd be pretty hard to reschedule. - That's too bad. 272 00:14:15,889 --> 00:14:19,624 - She is really a keeper. - Yeah. 273 00:14:19,626 --> 00:14:21,359 - Yeah. - Yeah. 274 00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:23,862 So, um... You from the city? 275 00:14:23,864 --> 00:14:26,965 - Yeah. Just coming back from visiting my sister. -Mm. 276 00:14:26,967 --> 00:14:29,234 - You? - Yup. New York. 277 00:14:29,236 --> 00:14:31,469 - Interview. - Oh? Nice. 278 00:14:31,471 --> 00:14:35,006 Yeah. I, uh, been thinkin' about makin' a switch 279 00:14:35,008 --> 00:14:36,608 to the non-profit sector for a while. 280 00:14:36,610 --> 00:14:38,643 - You know, actually do some good. - Uh-huh. 281 00:14:38,645 --> 00:14:41,212 - Wish I was doing that. -I figure look for a new job now 282 00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:44,949 or wait till I'm 60 and announce my retirement in conference room "d" 283 00:14:44,951 --> 00:14:47,151 having never surpassed my greatest achievement 284 00:14:47,153 --> 00:14:49,953 which is writing the jingle for the stroller with the built-in ashtray. 285 00:14:57,430 --> 00:15:00,899 - That jingle is catchy. -Oh, yeah. It's catchy like the clap. 286 00:15:03,270 --> 00:15:06,337 Wait. Oh! Excuse me. 287 00:15:06,339 --> 00:15:08,506 - No, no, no. -Could we get two more aviations and soda... 288 00:15:08,508 --> 00:15:11,476 - Please? -Hmm. Could I just tell you 289 00:15:11,478 --> 00:15:15,246 how happy I am for once to be sitting next to the hot chick? 290 00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:17,448 I never sit next to the hot chick on the flight. 291 00:15:17,450 --> 00:15:19,450 I mean, the elderly, constantly. 292 00:15:19,452 --> 00:15:22,153 The extraordinarily sweaty, the really hot guys 293 00:15:22,155 --> 00:15:24,689 all the time, but you... mm. 294 00:15:24,691 --> 00:15:27,058 I win. I won. I won. 295 00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:28,660 So, forgive me, but I need to take 296 00:15:28,662 --> 00:15:33,131 this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and try to... 297 00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:35,500 Convert this into, say, a date. 298 00:15:37,336 --> 00:15:38,636 Maybe. 299 00:15:38,638 --> 00:15:40,672 Outside of the pressurized chamber 300 00:15:40,674 --> 00:15:41,706 we sit in. 301 00:15:44,076 --> 00:15:46,644 I'm Angela, by the way. 302 00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:49,047 - Charlie. - Hmm. 303 00:15:49,049 --> 00:15:50,648 Really pleased to meet you, Charlie. 304 00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:54,352 You too. I don't have the clap. 305 00:16:01,093 --> 00:16:03,394 Now, I'm gonna turn over the next card. 306 00:16:03,396 --> 00:16:05,630 I want you to concentrate and tell me what it is, okay? 307 00:16:05,632 --> 00:16:08,032 And, remember, there are no wrong answers here, 308 00:16:08,034 --> 00:16:09,667 so, just tell me what you think it is 309 00:16:09,669 --> 00:16:11,202 as soon as I flip it over, okay? 310 00:16:11,204 --> 00:16:13,004 That's a dead puppy-doggy. 311 00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:15,340 Okay. You don't have to answer right away. 312 00:16:15,342 --> 00:16:18,309 Okay? You can take time to think and be sure about what you see. 313 00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:21,012 - You understand? - Uh-huh. 314 00:16:21,014 --> 00:16:23,081 All right, now, Tammy, you just give it... 315 00:16:23,083 --> 00:16:25,383 That's a dead puppy-doggy that got cut open by a knife. 316 00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:28,753 Okay. Oh. 317 00:16:28,755 --> 00:16:31,122 Like we said, there are no wrong answers here, 318 00:16:31,124 --> 00:16:32,991 so, let's just try another one. 319 00:16:32,993 --> 00:16:36,995 - That's mommy and daddy. - Okay. Good. 320 00:16:36,997 --> 00:16:39,163 Mommy and daddy. That's great, Tammy. 321 00:16:39,165 --> 00:16:42,734 - Mommy's cooking for daddy. - All right! 322 00:16:42,736 --> 00:16:45,169 See? That's a really nice thing for mom... 323 00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:48,239 Mommy's putting smashed-up glass in daddy's soup 324 00:16:48,241 --> 00:16:51,209 to make him cry. 325 00:16:51,211 --> 00:16:54,245 For mommy to do. 326 00:16:54,247 --> 00:16:56,147 Doctor Donovan, Charles Carroll's on line two. 327 00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:58,583 Dude, I am having the best day 328 00:16:58,585 --> 00:17:00,585 - and I just had to share. -Great, man. What's goin' on? 329 00:17:00,587 --> 00:17:02,653 I am the proud owner of a brand-new date next Tuesday night. 330 00:17:02,655 --> 00:17:05,089 With a woman? How'd you pull that at 11:30 in the morning? 331 00:17:05,091 --> 00:17:07,058 - You been drinkin'? -It's never too early for the nectar of love, 332 00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:08,159 my friend. 333 00:17:08,161 --> 00:17:11,095 And don't get all weird on me, 334 00:17:11,097 --> 00:17:13,364 but this Angela chick, she could be the one. 335 00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:15,433 Oh, man! You don't know this chick. 336 00:17:15,435 --> 00:17:16,634 Oh, come on! I'm happy. Leave me alone. 337 00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:18,669 No, I'm just saying, 338 00:17:18,671 --> 00:17:21,773 you know how you get. Gee, thanks, Oprah. Can I come on your show? 339 00:17:21,775 --> 00:17:24,108 - I'm having this problem with my best friend. - First of all, 340 00:17:24,110 --> 00:17:26,611 you ever watch Oprah? Maybe you should. Oprah knows her shit. 341 00:17:26,613 --> 00:17:28,679 Second, what do you know about this chick 342 00:17:28,681 --> 00:17:30,515 - that makes you think she could be the one? - I know enough. 343 00:17:30,517 --> 00:17:32,316 Really? She a Yankee fan or Mets? 344 00:17:32,318 --> 00:17:33,651 She like Belgian beer like you 345 00:17:33,653 --> 00:17:35,153 or does she have to keep things gluten-free? 346 00:17:35,155 --> 00:17:36,320 Does she actually laugh at "groundhog day" 347 00:17:36,322 --> 00:17:38,222 or does she wonder why the fuck 348 00:17:38,224 --> 00:17:39,724 - bill Murray keeps trying to kill himself? - You don't make sense. 349 00:17:39,726 --> 00:17:41,659 The most important things to know, 350 00:17:41,661 --> 00:17:45,229 they are not, but relevant "the one" assessment material? 351 00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:47,465 You might say. I'm just sayin' 352 00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:50,334 take in a little bit more data before you fuckin' propose. 353 00:17:50,336 --> 00:17:52,270 All right. She could turn out to be a serial killer. 354 00:17:52,272 --> 00:17:53,638 Trust me when I say this. 355 00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:56,307 They come from places you would never suspect. 356 00:17:56,309 --> 00:17:59,143 I have no idea what that means. 357 00:17:59,145 --> 00:18:01,212 Look, man. That's cool about the date 358 00:18:01,214 --> 00:18:02,713 that's cool about teeing her up on a "c" night. 359 00:18:02,715 --> 00:18:04,449 "C" night? What are you talking about? 360 00:18:04,451 --> 00:18:06,551 - We're going out Tuesday. - Exactly. Tuesday night. 361 00:18:06,553 --> 00:18:08,486 Nothin' too serious, just wanna have a little fun. 362 00:18:08,488 --> 00:18:10,855 Not wasting an "a" or "b" night. Strong work. 363 00:18:10,857 --> 00:18:14,826 She did suggest Tuesday. I kinda went along with it. 364 00:18:14,828 --> 00:18:16,727 - You still there? - Yeah. Look, 365 00:18:16,729 --> 00:18:18,496 I gotta get back to little Jeffrey Dahmer here 366 00:18:18,498 --> 00:18:22,300 but try to keep things in perspective, okay? 367 00:18:22,302 --> 00:18:24,168 Okay. Okay, fine. Be gone with you. 368 00:18:24,170 --> 00:18:27,271 Oh, and by the way... 369 00:18:27,273 --> 00:18:29,607 She's the one. 370 00:18:31,643 --> 00:18:33,244 Ah, well, she's not the one. 371 00:18:33,246 --> 00:18:34,812 She's definitely not the one. 372 00:18:34,814 --> 00:18:36,347 Angela's ancient history. 373 00:18:36,349 --> 00:18:38,116 Do we gotta keep talking about it? 374 00:18:38,118 --> 00:18:41,219 Incessant whining is driving me fucking crazy. 375 00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:43,154 Angela aside, what kind of therapist 376 00:18:43,156 --> 00:18:44,856 drops someone as fucked up as you? 377 00:18:44,858 --> 00:18:46,824 Ah, well. It's not all that bad. 378 00:18:46,826 --> 00:18:48,893 He said we could still be friends. 379 00:18:48,895 --> 00:18:50,328 Take the cash you were giving 380 00:18:50,330 --> 00:18:52,163 Dr. "don't call me, I'll call you" 381 00:18:52,165 --> 00:18:54,332 and put it towards full-body massages twice a week. 382 00:18:54,334 --> 00:18:56,400 Then you see how many problems you still have. 383 00:18:56,402 --> 00:18:58,703 Yeah, I don't really see how 384 00:18:58,705 --> 00:19:01,139 that's gonna help me find Mrs. right, but sure. 385 00:19:01,141 --> 00:19:04,275 - Whoo! - Dude, come on. 386 00:19:04,277 --> 00:19:06,711 - You can't do that. - What? 387 00:19:06,713 --> 00:19:08,613 'Cause I'm not cute and cuddly, me taking a leak 388 00:19:08,615 --> 00:19:10,681 somehow defiles the dog-piss-laced pavement 389 00:19:10,683 --> 00:19:12,783 - we've been runnin' on since 72nd street? -Yeah. 390 00:19:12,785 --> 00:19:16,320 Come on, man. My prostate's the size of a fuckin' honeydew. 391 00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:18,289 - You see? 392 00:19:18,291 --> 00:19:21,526 For cryin' out loud, lady, you're carrying a bag of shit. 393 00:19:21,528 --> 00:19:24,195 Huh? 394 00:19:24,197 --> 00:19:26,631 You need to quit your cryin'. 395 00:19:26,633 --> 00:19:28,266 It's not like you couldn't see this comin'. 396 00:19:28,268 --> 00:19:31,402 - What? - What? I... 397 00:19:33,338 --> 00:19:34,772 - Don't... - Come here. 398 00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:36,807 - Okay. - Huh? 399 00:19:36,809 --> 00:19:39,243 All right. 400 00:19:44,816 --> 00:19:48,352 - Pearl harbor... 401 00:19:48,354 --> 00:19:51,422 Is that why we are fighting? 402 00:19:51,424 --> 00:19:52,857 Or is it because of... 403 00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:55,526 Britain? 404 00:19:58,497 --> 00:20:03,201 Whoo! 405 00:20:03,203 --> 00:20:07,538 Oh, my god. 406 00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:10,241 Hey there, fly girl. I got your text. 407 00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:12,276 - Charlie! 408 00:20:12,278 --> 00:20:14,245 Oh, my god! You have to do a shot. 409 00:20:14,247 --> 00:20:16,981 These Irish car bombs, they're so good. 410 00:20:16,983 --> 00:20:18,482 Actually, you know what? 411 00:20:18,484 --> 00:20:20,551 - I'm good. - Shots! Shots all around! 412 00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:23,254 Yeah, maybe just one more 'cause Anne and I were gonna go. 413 00:20:23,256 --> 00:20:25,957 You know what I mean? Sex. 414 00:20:25,959 --> 00:20:27,625 - Right. - Oh! 415 00:20:27,627 --> 00:20:29,293 - Oh, my god. - Whoa! 416 00:20:29,295 --> 00:20:31,662 Oopsie-Daisy, Angela has arrived! 417 00:20:31,664 --> 00:20:34,232 - Come on. That's okay. 418 00:20:34,234 --> 00:20:35,866 - Help me up. 419 00:20:35,868 --> 00:20:38,236 You all right? Maybe we should get her to bed. 420 00:20:38,238 --> 00:20:39,238 Huh? 421 00:20:40,807 --> 00:20:42,940 Oh, shit! 422 00:20:42,942 --> 00:20:46,611 You guys are a bunch of fuckin' amateurs. 423 00:20:47,646 --> 00:20:51,282 Whoo! That was fun! 424 00:20:51,284 --> 00:20:52,283 Okay. Here we go. 425 00:20:52,285 --> 00:20:54,318 Let me just... 426 00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:56,420 Okay, you wanna split? 427 00:20:56,422 --> 00:20:59,624 Whoever he is, seems to be able to handle it. 428 00:20:59,626 --> 00:21:01,525 - I bet. -To the extent that either of you are worried, 429 00:21:01,527 --> 00:21:03,961 - I'll be leaving momentarily. - No, Charlie! 430 00:21:03,963 --> 00:21:06,797 See? She's fine. 431 00:21:06,799 --> 00:21:09,900 So let's... Go dress up like robots 432 00:21:09,902 --> 00:21:12,303 and sniff each other's panties. 433 00:21:15,575 --> 00:21:16,941 Warning. Warning. 434 00:21:16,943 --> 00:21:18,676 Remember that? 435 00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:35,426 You're not gonna let her sleep in all those clothes, are ya? 436 00:21:39,732 --> 00:21:41,465 Okay! We can go now! 437 00:21:41,467 --> 00:21:43,034 - Yeah? - I think he's gay. 438 00:21:43,036 --> 00:21:47,371 Hey! Don't do anything I wouldn't do. 439 00:21:52,944 --> 00:21:54,445 Okay. 440 00:21:54,447 --> 00:21:56,013 Your phone is right by your bed here. 441 00:21:56,015 --> 00:21:58,082 I pre-dialed 9-1-1, so, if you get 442 00:21:58,084 --> 00:22:00,017 into any trouble during the night all you have to do 443 00:22:00,019 --> 00:22:01,986 - is push the green button. - Oh. 444 00:22:01,988 --> 00:22:03,587 - Okay? - Okay. 445 00:22:03,589 --> 00:22:05,389 As long as you can make it through the night 446 00:22:05,391 --> 00:22:07,625 without the use of paramedic care, which... 447 00:22:07,627 --> 00:22:11,495 If practice makes perfect, I don't think you'll have a problem with. 448 00:22:11,497 --> 00:22:14,932 A glass of water and some stuff for your head right next to your phone. 449 00:22:14,934 --> 00:22:17,101 - Hmm. - Beyond that... 450 00:22:17,103 --> 00:22:19,603 - I gotta go. - Shit. 451 00:22:19,605 --> 00:22:22,907 I'm sorry. I really like you. 452 00:22:22,909 --> 00:22:25,643 I do. You're a good guy. 453 00:22:27,814 --> 00:22:30,548 Oh, god. I'm a mess right now. 454 00:22:30,550 --> 00:22:32,049 Look at me. You probably hate me. 455 00:22:32,051 --> 00:22:34,085 - I don't hate you. - I would hate me. 456 00:22:34,087 --> 00:22:35,820 Oh, fuck. Please, just promise me 457 00:22:35,822 --> 00:22:38,122 that you'll go out with me again. 458 00:22:38,124 --> 00:22:41,792 Please? No drinking. We'll go see a movie. It'll be so fun. 459 00:22:41,794 --> 00:22:43,894 What about Friday? Are you free? 460 00:22:43,896 --> 00:22:47,398 I was thinking Monday. 461 00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:51,869 Just kidding. Whenever you want. 462 00:22:51,871 --> 00:22:56,073 Whenever. It'll be so fun. 463 00:22:56,075 --> 00:23:00,044 Huh? Yeah? 464 00:23:00,046 --> 00:23:02,546 You are somethin' else, you know that? 465 00:23:02,548 --> 00:23:04,615 I know. 466 00:23:04,617 --> 00:23:07,518 So, why not go out with me? 467 00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:09,820 What's the worst that can happen? 468 00:23:14,093 --> 00:23:16,727 When Brice asked me to be his best man, 469 00:23:16,729 --> 00:23:18,596 a lot of memories flashed through my mind. 470 00:23:18,598 --> 00:23:20,798 In fact, I can vividly remember the first time 471 00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:23,067 I ever saw Rebecca and Brice together, huh? 472 00:23:23,069 --> 00:23:25,669 It was red lobster, Brice's 29th birthday. 473 00:23:25,671 --> 00:23:29,673 Fuckin' all you can eat popcorn shrimp 474 00:23:29,675 --> 00:23:31,642 I knew at that very moment 475 00:23:31,644 --> 00:23:34,545 I could see it in her eyes. Brice should absolutely 476 00:23:34,547 --> 00:23:37,782 under no circumstances marry this woman! 477 00:23:37,784 --> 00:23:39,784 But, of course, I said nothing and, now 478 00:23:39,786 --> 00:23:41,786 2 1/2 years later, here we are. 479 00:23:41,788 --> 00:23:43,854 To the happy un-couple! 480 00:23:46,459 --> 00:23:50,428 - My man. 481 00:23:53,098 --> 00:23:55,766 Thank you, Vince! Thanks to all of you 482 00:23:55,768 --> 00:23:58,135 for being here to help celebrate this truly special day. 483 00:23:58,137 --> 00:24:01,172 - It really does mean the world. -You guys know Brice is an asshole, right? 484 00:24:01,174 --> 00:24:03,507 You may have noticed that my wife Rebecca won't be joining us tonight. 485 00:24:03,509 --> 00:24:06,744 Yeah, but, at least he's our asshole. 486 00:24:06,746 --> 00:24:10,014 That's because I have divorced that cheating bitch effective today! 487 00:24:11,751 --> 00:24:15,119 She does send her regards from the throes of hell. 488 00:24:15,121 --> 00:24:18,856 Plus some of the shit this asshole spews... it's fun to watch. 489 00:24:18,858 --> 00:24:20,157 It's official, so let me go ahead 490 00:24:20,159 --> 00:24:21,492 and set a couple things straight. 491 00:24:21,494 --> 00:24:24,829 First, yes... These are real. 492 00:24:24,831 --> 00:24:27,665 And, second, yes... 493 00:24:27,667 --> 00:24:30,768 Sexy ladies of New York City... 494 00:24:30,770 --> 00:24:32,570 All of you... 495 00:24:32,572 --> 00:24:35,873 Not you! That's fucked up. She's my cousin. 496 00:24:35,875 --> 00:24:38,175 - She's my cousin. - Fucking with you. 497 00:24:38,177 --> 00:24:40,511 But sexy ladies of New York City, 498 00:24:40,513 --> 00:24:43,714 I am totally fucking available 499 00:24:43,716 --> 00:24:48,018 to crush ass and/or pussy any time you want! 500 00:24:52,191 --> 00:24:54,825 Take these motherfuckin' divorce papers! 501 00:24:54,827 --> 00:24:58,028 I'll take these divorce papers from the bottom of my dick! 502 00:24:58,030 --> 00:25:01,599 - Take it from my dick! 503 00:25:09,007 --> 00:25:10,107 - Mmm. Oh... - All right. 504 00:25:10,109 --> 00:25:11,742 That hurts good. 505 00:25:11,744 --> 00:25:12,810 All right. I'm gonna go. 506 00:25:12,812 --> 00:25:15,546 - Oh! - Seriously, though 507 00:25:15,548 --> 00:25:16,614 - I kind of... - Okay, okay, okay. 508 00:25:16,616 --> 00:25:18,516 I don't know what it is... 509 00:25:18,518 --> 00:25:20,117 I just kind of don't even know where to start with all this. 510 00:25:20,119 --> 00:25:21,886 - That's the thing. -I bet you don't, Charlie. 511 00:25:21,888 --> 00:25:23,854 All right? That's natural. 512 00:25:23,856 --> 00:25:26,023 I didn't know how good I had it single until I got married. 513 00:25:26,025 --> 00:25:28,626 - Never do that again. No offense, buddy. -Right. 514 00:25:28,628 --> 00:25:30,628 - Kathy's a... -no, no, listen. I understand 515 00:25:30,630 --> 00:25:32,830 that sounds good, but I think it... 516 00:25:32,832 --> 00:25:34,798 I think it's too good to be true. Am I right? 517 00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:38,702 I have way more sex single than I ever had married. 518 00:25:38,704 --> 00:25:41,906 - Come... really? -Yes and what's better than a fuckin' one-night stand? 519 00:25:41,908 --> 00:25:43,707 There's no commitment. 520 00:25:43,709 --> 00:25:46,610 There's no annoying neediness or feelings. 521 00:25:46,612 --> 00:25:49,780 And when she spreads her legs free of obligation 522 00:25:49,782 --> 00:25:52,983 of commitment, of the need to give her half of what you own... 523 00:25:52,985 --> 00:25:54,552 You can't have half of this, 524 00:25:54,554 --> 00:25:56,654 not without one of these, my friends. 525 00:25:56,656 --> 00:25:59,189 That free-market pussy is gold! 526 00:25:59,191 --> 00:26:02,326 - Gold, huh? -A coveted commodity that appreciates 527 00:26:02,328 --> 00:26:04,762 in a down economy? You bet it's fuckin' gold. 528 00:26:04,764 --> 00:26:08,632 And you need to hoard as much of that gold as you can 529 00:26:08,634 --> 00:26:11,168 while the single man's liquidity proposition still exists... 530 00:26:11,170 --> 00:26:12,803 - Jesus Christ. - My friend. 531 00:26:12,805 --> 00:26:15,172 Forget about Angela. You realize the next time 532 00:26:15,174 --> 00:26:18,142 you're in a relationship, ain't no more upticks in the old portfolio, 533 00:26:18,144 --> 00:26:19,843 and cheap it is not. 534 00:26:19,845 --> 00:26:23,581 Tradin' out of the position... boom! Crush ass. 535 00:26:23,583 --> 00:26:27,284 I understand that your business school outlook on getting pussy 536 00:26:27,286 --> 00:26:30,120 might be a bit unique 537 00:26:30,122 --> 00:26:33,591 but, I don't know, I'm just fucked, man 538 00:26:33,593 --> 00:26:35,359 - after Angela. - You're not fucked! 539 00:26:35,361 --> 00:26:37,795 I'm fucked. I don't think I can crush anything right now. 540 00:26:37,797 --> 00:26:39,597 - I don't even know where to start. - Charlie. 541 00:26:39,599 --> 00:26:43,067 It's like candy from a baby. It goes like this... 542 00:26:46,004 --> 00:26:49,940 First, you gotta identify the target. 543 00:26:49,942 --> 00:26:53,077 No, not her. 544 00:26:56,948 --> 00:26:59,183 No! Not even close. 545 00:27:04,656 --> 00:27:07,791 Boom! Her. The one not over at the bar. 546 00:27:07,793 --> 00:27:10,995 Instead, attacking that BlackBerry with the same intense precision 547 00:27:10,997 --> 00:27:14,198 that'll come in handy for you in just a few short hours. 548 00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:17,301 There'll be some competition for her, but nothing you can't handle. 549 00:27:17,303 --> 00:27:18,936 This chick is annoyed that Vanessa 550 00:27:18,938 --> 00:27:21,205 from up on the bar is getting the attention. 551 00:27:21,207 --> 00:27:24,642 So you give it to her... All the attention she needs. 552 00:27:24,644 --> 00:27:27,044 - Okay, I'm buyin'. Now what? - Next, make sure she knows 553 00:27:27,046 --> 00:27:28,912 that you're a nice guy, okay? 554 00:27:28,914 --> 00:27:30,981 And this is important, so pay attention. 555 00:27:30,983 --> 00:27:34,118 You're a nice guy who she will never see again. 556 00:27:34,120 --> 00:27:36,387 That she'll never see again? I don't get it. 557 00:27:36,389 --> 00:27:39,089 Think back to college... Spring break, specifically. 558 00:27:39,091 --> 00:27:42,426 Nice girls let their sexual cats out of the bag all spring break long 559 00:27:42,428 --> 00:27:44,895 on south padre island because they know when they get home, 560 00:27:44,897 --> 00:27:48,198 it'll be right back to prim and proper, smart and respectable 561 00:27:48,200 --> 00:27:50,434 without anyone around to say otherwise. 562 00:27:50,436 --> 00:27:53,437 - This is N.Y.C., not spring break, right? -Exactly! 563 00:27:53,439 --> 00:27:55,939 Which is why you're flying back to L.A. in the morning 564 00:27:55,941 --> 00:27:58,976 or you're fucking moving to Nepal on Tuesday... whatever. 565 00:27:58,978 --> 00:28:02,880 Whatever words go from your lips to her ears 566 00:28:02,882 --> 00:28:06,216 letting her know that she will never see you again. 567 00:28:06,218 --> 00:28:07,918 And, then, just like spring break, 568 00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:10,054 the farther away she thinks you'll be next week, 569 00:28:10,056 --> 00:28:12,990 the more likely she is to do something erotic in the sack tonight. 570 00:28:12,992 --> 00:28:16,226 Okay, okay. Listen. It's kind of unfair to know this stuff, 571 00:28:16,228 --> 00:28:18,062 but what's next? 572 00:28:18,064 --> 00:28:20,330 So then you establish touch and get her comfortable 573 00:28:20,332 --> 00:28:23,000 not just with the look of you, but with the feel of you. 574 00:28:23,002 --> 00:28:24,902 Stand close to her. Let her start to like it. 575 00:28:24,904 --> 00:28:27,237 And, remember, part of the beauty of this chick 576 00:28:27,239 --> 00:28:29,873 is that she's not out with some cock-blocking protector friend 577 00:28:29,875 --> 00:28:31,341 who couldn't get herself laid 578 00:28:31,343 --> 00:28:33,811 and now needs to pull a guilt-trip on your girl. 579 00:28:33,813 --> 00:28:35,855 'Cause she's normally the protector friend. 580 00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:37,247 Boom! Now you're with me. 581 00:28:37,249 --> 00:28:38,949 And, then, fellows, close the deal. 582 00:28:38,951 --> 00:28:40,784 No hesitation. Don't ask permission 583 00:28:40,786 --> 00:28:43,053 just go over to the bartender, cash out your bill. 584 00:28:43,055 --> 00:28:44,855 Tell her it's time to get her out of all these wet things. 585 00:28:44,857 --> 00:28:47,324 Wait for those easy b.F.F.S of hers 586 00:28:47,326 --> 00:28:49,993 to pull their Irish good-byes, and go in for the kill. 587 00:28:49,995 --> 00:28:53,197 Under no circumstances should you ever, never, ever 588 00:28:53,199 --> 00:28:54,498 let her think. 589 00:28:57,736 --> 00:29:00,804 - You might actually be the devil. 590 00:29:00,806 --> 00:29:04,308 Or kind of brilliant in a... if in a Machiavellian sort of way, 591 00:29:04,310 --> 00:29:07,144 but, thank you. 592 00:29:07,146 --> 00:29:10,013 Thank you guys for sharing. 593 00:29:10,015 --> 00:29:12,816 It's like Oprah says, "for every one of us 594 00:29:12,818 --> 00:29:15,018 that succeeds, it's because there's somebody 595 00:29:15,020 --> 00:29:17,387 there to show you the way out. 596 00:29:32,170 --> 00:29:35,372 The path to knowledge is never without a price. 597 00:30:14,012 --> 00:30:17,247 - Look, you know I would love to be there, but i... -don't wanna come. 598 00:30:17,249 --> 00:30:20,384 - Got it. -No, no. I wanna come. I cannot come. 599 00:30:20,386 --> 00:30:22,286 Angela's parents hate me as it is. 600 00:30:22,288 --> 00:30:24,454 If I blow off another dinner, it'll be world war III. 601 00:30:24,456 --> 00:30:27,057 - You're being stupid. You love my debate parties. -Yeah, I thought 602 00:30:27,059 --> 00:30:28,892 you missing a presidential debate was like 603 00:30:28,894 --> 00:30:31,295 - a Brangelina baby not being adorable. -Hmm. 604 00:30:31,297 --> 00:30:33,931 Seriously, you know Vince and I've been planning for weeks. 605 00:30:33,933 --> 00:30:36,066 - I know. -Oh, hey. Check it out. It's her. 606 00:30:36,068 --> 00:30:38,101 God, I barely recognize her. 607 00:30:38,103 --> 00:30:40,604 - Why isn't she wearing glasses? - She got Lasik, okay? 608 00:30:40,606 --> 00:30:42,840 I don't see what's so hot about her in the first place. 609 00:30:42,842 --> 00:30:45,409 - Yeah, I gotta go "work hot" on this one. -Guys 610 00:30:45,411 --> 00:30:47,144 guys, she's, like, hot-hot. 611 00:30:47,146 --> 00:30:49,112 I admit, I kind of wanna touch her hair 612 00:30:49,114 --> 00:30:50,581 but she's no Elisa from tech support. 613 00:30:50,583 --> 00:30:52,583 That's true. I'd do her in a second. 614 00:30:52,585 --> 00:30:54,451 - I'd do her in a second. -Everyone would do Elisa in tech support. 615 00:30:54,453 --> 00:30:57,321 - In fact, I think most have. So what? -Are you okay? 616 00:30:57,323 --> 00:30:59,389 Charlie, is this a "sexy librarian" thing? 617 00:30:59,391 --> 00:31:02,526 'Cause even putting club clothes on a woman with that little makeup 618 00:31:02,528 --> 00:31:05,128 is not gonna get hot out of "work hot." 619 00:31:05,130 --> 00:31:06,363 I don't know how many times I have to say this, 620 00:31:06,365 --> 00:31:08,031 club clothes, unattractive. 621 00:31:08,033 --> 00:31:09,967 I mean, she's jeans and t-shirt. 622 00:31:09,969 --> 00:31:13,136 She doesn't need makeup. She's just as hot out of work, 623 00:31:13,138 --> 00:31:14,504 as she is in it. Maybe hotter. 624 00:31:14,506 --> 00:31:17,875 - Oh, she's really nice. - She does seem nice. 625 00:31:17,877 --> 00:31:20,277 I bet she'd let her boyfriend come to my debate party. 626 00:31:20,279 --> 00:31:21,945 Oh, my god. I don't know what Vince has been telling you 627 00:31:21,947 --> 00:31:24,481 while Angela and I might be in a rut right now 628 00:31:24,483 --> 00:31:26,250 I don't need it from the peanut gallery. 629 00:31:26,252 --> 00:31:28,986 - Okay. - Oh. What about her? 630 00:31:34,959 --> 00:31:36,994 - Okay, so then she's fired. - Oh, totally. 631 00:31:36,996 --> 00:31:38,662 She's gone. Who's next? 632 00:31:38,664 --> 00:31:41,565 Okay, only, uh... 633 00:31:41,567 --> 00:31:43,033 17 more to go. 634 00:31:43,035 --> 00:31:45,135 - Andrew Feldman. - Who? 635 00:31:45,137 --> 00:31:47,571 Is that that douchey old guy who sits next to the copy room? 636 00:31:47,573 --> 00:31:49,940 No, you're thinkin' of Juliana. Andrew's the vomiter 637 00:31:49,942 --> 00:31:51,441 from last year's white castle eating contest. 638 00:31:51,443 --> 00:31:55,512 Right! Yes! Double-stacker. Cool guy. 639 00:31:55,514 --> 00:31:58,115 All righty. Is white castle guy 640 00:31:58,117 --> 00:32:00,317 the next one to get laid off? 641 00:32:00,319 --> 00:32:03,620 My sources say... No. 642 00:32:03,622 --> 00:32:06,990 Oh, man! That dog! 643 00:32:06,992 --> 00:32:08,959 Oh, no! 644 00:32:08,961 --> 00:32:10,661 I totally could've made that kid cry at his exit interview. 645 00:32:10,663 --> 00:32:14,031 - All right. Next. - Oh! Speak of the devil. 646 00:32:14,033 --> 00:32:18,669 Miss Juliana McCarthy! Come on down! 647 00:32:18,671 --> 00:32:21,038 Is douchey old guy gettin' the boot? 648 00:32:21,040 --> 00:32:24,308 It is... Decidedly so! 649 00:32:30,082 --> 00:32:32,316 Hey, guys, um... 650 00:32:32,318 --> 00:32:34,518 In regards to Juliana, 651 00:32:34,520 --> 00:32:36,520 I realize from an efficiency perspective 652 00:32:36,522 --> 00:32:38,155 the eight-ball may be faster, 653 00:32:38,157 --> 00:32:40,624 but she's good with clients. 654 00:32:40,626 --> 00:32:45,462 - And she's got kids. -You wanna do two-outta-three or something? 655 00:32:45,464 --> 00:32:46,630 - Look... - Charlie. 656 00:32:46,632 --> 00:32:49,132 Chu... Charlie. Um... 657 00:32:49,134 --> 00:32:52,703 If it's not one douchey old guy with kids it's gonna be another one, 658 00:32:52,705 --> 00:32:55,272 and if we don't fire her today, 659 00:32:55,274 --> 00:32:56,740 in this economy, 660 00:32:56,742 --> 00:32:59,509 we're gonna do it tomorrow or next week. 661 00:32:59,511 --> 00:33:01,311 So... 662 00:33:01,313 --> 00:33:03,547 I mean, it's not personal. It's just business. 663 00:33:03,549 --> 00:33:05,549 Even so, it feels like we're screwing people 664 00:33:05,551 --> 00:33:08,318 - without considering the facts. - Come on, guy. 665 00:33:08,320 --> 00:33:10,187 There's a lot of money to be made in screwing people 666 00:33:10,189 --> 00:33:12,089 without considering facts. Have you never made 667 00:33:12,091 --> 00:33:14,191 a health insurance claim? 668 00:33:14,193 --> 00:33:16,259 Look, it's supply and demand. 669 00:33:16,261 --> 00:33:19,062 Right now, there is an over-supply in the system 670 00:33:19,064 --> 00:33:22,065 that needs to get flushed out. 671 00:33:22,067 --> 00:33:25,102 But, hey, if you really want to save 672 00:33:25,104 --> 00:33:29,206 this sorry-sack's job, you can just offer up your own, my man. 673 00:33:29,208 --> 00:33:32,442 No reason why the name on top of that severance package can't change 674 00:33:32,444 --> 00:33:35,078 - just like that. - You're serious? 675 00:33:35,080 --> 00:33:36,380 Thank you so much for your question. 676 00:33:36,382 --> 00:33:38,415 Just a great, great question, 677 00:33:38,417 --> 00:33:40,784 and I understand your frustration. 678 00:33:40,786 --> 00:33:44,554 You see, my friends, it's this kind of political cow-towing 679 00:33:44,556 --> 00:33:47,391 to the special interests that causes good people 680 00:33:47,393 --> 00:33:49,192 like my dear friend, Linda Lafferty, 681 00:33:49,194 --> 00:33:53,096 a political pawn from hocking, Ohio 682 00:33:53,098 --> 00:33:56,400 to hate big-spending earmarks with all her heart. 683 00:33:56,402 --> 00:34:00,337 Especially those, I might add, put forth 684 00:34:00,339 --> 00:34:02,205 by non-natural-born American citizens. 685 00:34:02,207 --> 00:34:04,107 Bollocks! Absolute bollocks! 686 00:34:04,109 --> 00:34:05,375 That accusation's preposterous, governor. 687 00:34:05,377 --> 00:34:07,077 And I, for one, can't stand for it. 688 00:34:07,079 --> 00:34:10,814 - Yeah, no shit. -Oh. You're at the bar. 689 00:34:10,816 --> 00:34:13,817 - Yeah. I needed a drink. - Yeah, tell me about it. 690 00:34:13,819 --> 00:34:15,752 Oh. Lip gloss. 691 00:34:17,221 --> 00:34:19,289 Your folks hit traffic? 692 00:34:19,291 --> 00:34:22,459 May I remind you, we're operating under rules you signed off on. 693 00:34:22,461 --> 00:34:24,061 - I afraid... -i can't help but point out 694 00:34:24,063 --> 00:34:26,463 that I am the only one in this room 695 00:34:26,465 --> 00:34:29,833 - wearing a flag pin. -Come on, guys. Enough already. 696 00:34:29,835 --> 00:34:31,601 With my alotted ten minutes, 697 00:34:31,603 --> 00:34:33,203 so if you'll just give me that, gentlemen... 698 00:34:33,205 --> 00:34:35,772 Charles? Charles? Your shirt. 699 00:34:35,774 --> 00:34:38,542 - Chuck! - Jesus. Angela. 700 00:34:38,544 --> 00:34:40,811 - It's been kind of a tough day. - Yeah? 701 00:34:40,813 --> 00:34:42,813 So long a day that you forgot to wear the shirt 702 00:34:42,815 --> 00:34:45,382 we talked about this morning that my mom gave you 703 00:34:45,384 --> 00:34:46,850 - for your birthday? - Oh, shit. 704 00:34:46,852 --> 00:34:48,351 - Yeah. "Shit." - I... 705 00:34:48,353 --> 00:34:49,519 - Two, three, four. - Doom and gloom... 706 00:34:49,521 --> 00:34:51,254 Gentlemen... Gentlemen, please! 707 00:34:51,256 --> 00:34:54,825 Another vodka tonic, sir? 708 00:34:54,827 --> 00:34:57,294 Uh, he will have a vodka soda 709 00:34:57,296 --> 00:35:00,263 and I will have a Martini dry. 710 00:35:00,265 --> 00:35:02,099 My opponent has spent two hours... 711 00:35:02,101 --> 00:35:04,734 Angela, is this really necessary? 712 00:35:04,736 --> 00:35:06,870 - I don't wanna fight with you. - I don't wanna fight neither. 713 00:35:06,872 --> 00:35:09,506 - Bring it down. -It probably hasn't been the best day 714 00:35:09,508 --> 00:35:11,208 to have your parents talk at me. 715 00:35:11,210 --> 00:35:12,876 Hang in there tonight, okay? 716 00:35:12,878 --> 00:35:15,545 - Great friend. Great patriot. - And if you can do me a favor 717 00:35:15,547 --> 00:35:17,747 please don't get them started on politics. 718 00:35:17,749 --> 00:35:21,351 You, sir, are a douchebag. 719 00:35:21,353 --> 00:35:23,753 I'm sorry, that is not happening. 720 00:35:23,755 --> 00:35:26,323 Such a shame, really. 721 00:35:26,325 --> 00:35:29,593 You limousine liberals with all your regulations. 722 00:35:29,595 --> 00:35:33,230 Oh, dad! You know it's not like that. 723 00:35:33,232 --> 00:35:35,265 Oh, please, honey. It is just like that. 724 00:35:35,267 --> 00:35:38,168 First off, I have to hire all of these unqualified 725 00:35:38,170 --> 00:35:40,871 affirmative action workers and, now, all of a sudden 726 00:35:40,873 --> 00:35:44,207 I got the gay patrol up my ass with their rainbows 727 00:35:44,209 --> 00:35:45,842 telling me about getting married. 728 00:35:45,844 --> 00:35:48,745 What's that gonna cost my insurance rates, these days? 729 00:35:48,747 --> 00:35:50,847 We're already paying for maternity leave, aren't I? 730 00:35:50,849 --> 00:35:53,583 - Well, never mind the immigrants. - Yeah. 731 00:35:53,585 --> 00:35:55,619 Do you know, just the other day, Margot Pendergast 732 00:35:55,621 --> 00:35:58,822 told me that her nanny, Consuela... or was it Alejandra? 733 00:35:58,824 --> 00:36:01,691 I don't know. One of those Mexican names you cannot spell. 734 00:36:01,693 --> 00:36:06,329 Anyway, she actually asked for mother's day as a vacation day. 735 00:36:06,331 --> 00:36:08,532 Can you imagine, mother's day? 736 00:36:08,534 --> 00:36:10,333 Sweetheart, this is what I'm talking about. 737 00:36:10,335 --> 00:36:12,435 They come to this country and they want it all. 738 00:36:12,437 --> 00:36:14,371 They want the American dream. 739 00:36:14,373 --> 00:36:15,872 Why here do they want the American dream is my question? 740 00:36:15,874 --> 00:36:17,774 What are you supposed to do on mother's day 741 00:36:17,776 --> 00:36:20,710 - two toddlers and no nanny? - -Incroyable! 742 00:36:20,712 --> 00:36:22,479 Arriba, arriba! 743 00:36:30,254 --> 00:36:32,589 Everybody's against us rich folks, nowadays. 744 00:36:32,591 --> 00:36:34,257 People like you, Charles. 745 00:36:34,259 --> 00:36:36,359 People with petty, little equal rights problems. 746 00:36:36,361 --> 00:36:39,462 - she's fired. -What the fuck is that noise? 747 00:36:39,464 --> 00:36:43,667 I remind you that we are operating under rules that you signed off on. 748 00:36:43,669 --> 00:36:46,203 - Gentlemen, please. -Can I ask you again, Charles... 749 00:36:46,205 --> 00:36:47,804 Is this a sexy librarian thing? 750 00:36:47,806 --> 00:36:48,805 Another vodka tonic, sir? 751 00:36:48,807 --> 00:36:49,873 My sources say, no. 752 00:36:49,875 --> 00:36:51,775 - Do they ever! - Ever! 753 00:36:51,777 --> 00:36:54,644 Yeah, there's a lot of money to made in screwing people. 754 00:36:54,646 --> 00:36:57,681 Resulting in your eternal damnation straight to hell. 755 00:36:57,683 --> 00:37:00,550 Decidedly so! - You need to quit your bitching. 756 00:37:00,552 --> 00:37:01,718 It's not like... 757 00:37:01,720 --> 00:37:03,787 Two daughters and no nanny. 758 00:37:03,789 --> 00:37:06,923 The names on that severance package can be changed just like that. 759 00:37:22,974 --> 00:37:24,507 I quit my job today. 760 00:37:26,644 --> 00:37:29,346 - You did what? - Well, not really quit. 761 00:37:29,348 --> 00:37:32,749 They offered me a layoff and I took it. 762 00:37:37,421 --> 00:37:39,689 - Seriously. -Is this some sort of joke? 763 00:37:39,691 --> 00:37:42,592 - No. - Well, Charles, um... 764 00:37:42,594 --> 00:37:44,728 Why on earth would you do such a foolish thing? 765 00:37:44,730 --> 00:37:47,831 Oh, see. I don't think it's that foolish. 766 00:37:47,833 --> 00:37:49,332 - Okay. - I just thought, 767 00:37:49,334 --> 00:37:51,768 "isn't it better to stop lying to myself?" 768 00:37:51,770 --> 00:37:55,872 Mm. Like this tastes like shit. 769 00:37:55,874 --> 00:37:58,875 Uh, ooh, could we please get a bottle of vodka 770 00:37:58,877 --> 00:38:00,710 and a bottle of tonic? 771 00:38:01,912 --> 00:38:04,748 - I'm just kidding. 772 00:38:04,750 --> 00:38:06,549 I mean, this guy. 773 00:38:06,551 --> 00:38:08,652 You know, it's kind of like what Oprah says about luck, 774 00:38:08,654 --> 00:38:11,554 - isn't it? -I gotta say you're really not 775 00:38:11,556 --> 00:38:13,890 - making a whole lot of sense. - What is he talking about? 776 00:38:13,892 --> 00:38:17,560 No, it's perfect. It's when preparation meets opportunity. 777 00:38:17,562 --> 00:38:19,896 - Right, honey? - What the fuck? 778 00:38:19,898 --> 00:38:21,798 You know, honey, 779 00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:23,633 I always knew there was something wrong with this guy. 780 00:38:23,635 --> 00:38:26,002 - Whoa. Whoa. Wrong with me? - "Whoa. Whoa." 781 00:38:26,004 --> 00:38:27,971 - There's nothing wrong with me. - Oh. 782 00:38:27,973 --> 00:38:29,739 Maybe there is something wrong with me. 783 00:38:31,643 --> 00:38:33,777 I have a pretty good idea, Ron. Do you? 784 00:38:33,779 --> 00:38:35,545 Charles, stop. 785 00:38:35,547 --> 00:38:38,548 Sweetie, I think your parents are more than happy 786 00:38:38,550 --> 00:38:40,575 to sit here and smile while I talk at them. 787 00:38:40,600 --> 00:38:41,818 Right back at ya, pal. 788 00:38:41,820 --> 00:38:43,753 I'm sorry... "converse with them." 789 00:38:43,755 --> 00:38:47,023 - Hmm. -We could all converse, right? 790 00:38:47,025 --> 00:38:50,360 About how Margot's nanny wants to spend mother's day 791 00:38:50,362 --> 00:38:52,095 with her own kids. 792 00:38:52,097 --> 00:38:54,664 You remember the nanny, right? She's the immigrant 793 00:38:54,666 --> 00:38:57,701 who pays taxes, takes a job that Margot clearly doesn't want... 794 00:38:57,703 --> 00:38:59,736 Namely, raising Margot's kids... 795 00:38:59,738 --> 00:39:01,037 Jesus Christ. 796 00:39:01,039 --> 00:39:02,739 The balls on this guy. 797 00:39:02,741 --> 00:39:04,541 - Yeah. -Pal, let me tell ya something. 798 00:39:04,543 --> 00:39:06,343 You got a lot of nerve talking like that 799 00:39:06,345 --> 00:39:08,545 - when you're a guest at my table. - I'm sorry. 800 00:39:08,547 --> 00:39:10,714 - Your table? - Oh, I'm sorry. 801 00:39:10,716 --> 00:39:12,115 Charles, are you gonna pay 802 00:39:12,117 --> 00:39:14,084 - for a change? 803 00:39:14,086 --> 00:39:15,618 Really, Ron? Really? 804 00:39:15,620 --> 00:39:17,053 You'd allow me to do that? 805 00:39:17,055 --> 00:39:19,022 'Cause as of right now we're currently under 806 00:39:19,024 --> 00:39:21,491 the "you-pay" status quo which is a... 807 00:39:21,493 --> 00:39:23,460 Truly great arrangement, by the way. 808 00:39:23,462 --> 00:39:25,795 You pay and I get to sit here and listen to you talk about 809 00:39:25,797 --> 00:39:28,031 how gay people shouldn't have the right to get married. 810 00:39:28,033 --> 00:39:29,799 It's truly enlightening. 811 00:39:29,801 --> 00:39:33,002 Why stop there? I bet we could get all the queers 812 00:39:33,004 --> 00:39:34,371 to sit at the back of the bus. 813 00:39:34,373 --> 00:39:36,706 Drink at their own water fountain. 814 00:39:36,708 --> 00:39:40,009 Or, hell, I bet that we could get them to speak in 815 00:39:40,011 --> 00:39:42,045 their own governmentally mandated dialect. 816 00:39:42,047 --> 00:39:44,881 - Well, okay, Charlie. - I sure enough hopes 817 00:39:44,883 --> 00:39:47,617 one day I's gonna gets me to be a house homosexual 818 00:39:47,619 --> 00:39:50,587 'cause bein' a field homosexual just ain't no fun. 819 00:39:50,589 --> 00:39:54,524 - Charles! 820 00:39:54,526 --> 00:39:56,426 Mom, dad, I'm so sorry. 821 00:39:56,428 --> 00:39:58,461 I don't know what's gotten into him. 822 00:39:58,463 --> 00:40:01,498 My parents brought us to this lovely dinner. 823 00:40:01,500 --> 00:40:04,834 This is not the kind of treatment that anyone deserves. 824 00:40:04,836 --> 00:40:09,639 You're right. You're absolutely right. 825 00:40:09,641 --> 00:40:11,641 No one deserves to be treated this way. 826 00:40:15,179 --> 00:40:18,148 That's why you folks will never have to deal with it again. 827 00:40:23,421 --> 00:40:26,156 - There you go, Ron. 828 00:40:34,199 --> 00:40:38,001 Thank you, sweetheart... For everything. 829 00:40:38,003 --> 00:40:40,136 You know, for a while there, we... 830 00:40:40,138 --> 00:40:43,072 We really were somethin'. 831 00:41:46,037 --> 00:41:49,572 Oh, my god. Are you getting back out there? Are you dating? 832 00:41:49,574 --> 00:41:51,541 I haven't really put myself out there. 833 00:41:51,543 --> 00:41:53,510 I did do this speed-dating thing last week. 834 00:41:53,512 --> 00:41:55,879 Speed dating? Are people still speed dating? 835 00:41:55,881 --> 00:41:57,280 - People are still speed dating? - Was it fun? 836 00:41:57,282 --> 00:41:59,282 Yeah, well, you get about a minute 837 00:41:59,284 --> 00:42:01,251 before you move on to the next person, so I thought 838 00:42:01,253 --> 00:42:03,152 just put yourself out there, just go for it. 839 00:42:03,154 --> 00:42:04,954 - That makes sense. - Which was all fine 840 00:42:04,956 --> 00:42:06,689 until the first woman that I talked to 841 00:42:06,691 --> 00:42:08,825 woman number... Woman number 24. 842 00:42:08,827 --> 00:42:11,027 - She was hard of hearing. - Lucky number twenty... 843 00:42:11,029 --> 00:42:14,030 As in disability hard of hearing? 844 00:42:14,032 --> 00:42:16,266 Oh, you betcha. And when my... 845 00:42:16,268 --> 00:42:18,868 My whole opening line was about how I was excited to be there 846 00:42:18,870 --> 00:42:21,104 'cause I was finally having a chance to get away from my wife... 847 00:42:21,106 --> 00:42:23,172 - Yeah, funny. - Which is funny, right? 848 00:42:23,174 --> 00:42:26,643 - Yes, yes. -She just meets me with a completely deadpan "what?" 849 00:42:26,645 --> 00:42:29,045 "What" because she can't hear me 850 00:42:29,047 --> 00:42:30,980 not "what" because she's pissed at me. 851 00:42:30,982 --> 00:42:33,783 At this point she said nothing about being hearing impaired. 852 00:42:33,785 --> 00:42:35,818 So, I just thought she was annoyed and... 853 00:42:35,820 --> 00:42:37,754 - Oh! - Anyway. 854 00:42:37,756 --> 00:42:39,255 I'm sorry. I shouldn't laugh. 855 00:42:39,257 --> 00:42:41,291 - That's fine. -That's not... oh, god. 856 00:42:41,293 --> 00:42:43,693 She's still friended me on Facebook, so... 857 00:42:43,695 --> 00:42:45,328 Oh, well, good. At least there's that. 858 00:42:45,330 --> 00:42:47,730 - You know how to get in touch with her? -Yes. 859 00:42:47,732 --> 00:42:50,166 God, Charlie. I know that it sucks out there. 860 00:42:50,168 --> 00:42:54,003 It does, but I know that she's out there for you 861 00:42:54,005 --> 00:42:56,940 - and I don't want you to miss her. - Did I mention my cataracts? 862 00:42:56,942 --> 00:42:59,108 - They're just, like, full... - Hey, babe! Over here. 863 00:42:59,110 --> 00:43:01,277 - Oh, hey, babe! -Oh. What's her name again? 864 00:43:01,279 --> 00:43:02,879 - I have no idea. - We're all at the zoo 865 00:43:02,881 --> 00:43:04,681 because of your fiancée's patient 866 00:43:04,683 --> 00:43:06,749 - and you don't remember her name? - It's a kid. Who cares? 867 00:43:06,751 --> 00:43:09,319 - Stupid kid name. -I'm sure her parents forget all the time. 868 00:43:09,321 --> 00:43:11,220 If I remember your kid's name is Jonathan, 869 00:43:11,222 --> 00:43:14,190 all that means is before I threw away that stupid 870 00:43:14,192 --> 00:43:16,326 lame ass birth announcement you sent me 871 00:43:16,328 --> 00:43:17,760 I typed the words "Jonathan" 872 00:43:17,762 --> 00:43:19,629 into the address book of my Phonebook, 873 00:43:19,631 --> 00:43:21,631 and I reviewed those notes before I may go out for dinner. 874 00:43:21,633 --> 00:43:22,999 Which, likely, is probably 875 00:43:23,001 --> 00:43:25,168 only the second dinner we've had in three years 876 00:43:25,170 --> 00:43:26,636 due to the fact that you gave birth 877 00:43:26,638 --> 00:43:28,171 to little Jonathan in the first place 878 00:43:28,173 --> 00:43:29,806 and forgotten all about me and our friendship 879 00:43:29,808 --> 00:43:32,208 yet, I'm the asshole because I can't remember 880 00:43:32,210 --> 00:43:34,110 the name of the person who stole my friend 881 00:43:34,112 --> 00:43:36,746 and who doesn't bother to put down the toy that I gave him 882 00:43:36,748 --> 00:43:38,815 to come over and say hi to me when I come over to visit. 883 00:43:38,817 --> 00:43:40,984 I don't think so. 884 00:43:40,986 --> 00:43:43,853 Have you ever considered therapy? 885 00:43:44,856 --> 00:43:45,888 - Me! - Love you. 886 00:43:45,890 --> 00:43:47,890 - Angry! Angry! - Okay! 887 00:43:47,892 --> 00:43:51,394 All right there, you beautiful young one. 888 00:43:51,396 --> 00:43:54,931 - Oh, my god. Is this it? - You know it, baby girl. 889 00:43:54,933 --> 00:43:58,701 - Holy shit, it's the banker habitat. - It's amazing! 890 00:43:58,703 --> 00:44:00,937 I could've sworn, aren't bankers endangered? 891 00:44:00,939 --> 00:44:02,739 It's really fascinating, actually. 892 00:44:02,741 --> 00:44:04,741 Apparently, it took years to catch the first few, 893 00:44:04,743 --> 00:44:06,943 but once they figured out how to get them to mate in captivity, 894 00:44:06,945 --> 00:44:09,078 - now all the zoos are starting to feature 'em. - They're kinda scary. 895 00:44:09,080 --> 00:44:12,015 - Ferocious. -Wanna know the most incredible part? 896 00:44:12,017 --> 00:44:14,083 After zookeepers tried everything... piles of cash 897 00:44:14,085 --> 00:44:16,386 for them to play in, bowls of coke... 898 00:44:16,388 --> 00:44:18,388 Everything... they're totally immune to porn. 899 00:44:18,390 --> 00:44:20,723 Turns out all they had to do was call the females 900 00:44:20,725 --> 00:44:23,226 "interns" and little banker babies started shooting out 901 00:44:23,228 --> 00:44:25,028 of those habitat board rooms 902 00:44:25,030 --> 00:44:27,697 faster than Lehman brothers became synonymous with welfare. 903 00:44:27,699 --> 00:44:30,933 Man, that's so crazy. Feels kinda cool to be this close to 'em. 904 00:44:30,935 --> 00:44:33,770 It's really cool, but it's good we're not any closer. 905 00:44:33,772 --> 00:44:35,738 Word is, they like to throw their own shit. 906 00:44:35,740 --> 00:44:39,442 Poop. Throw their own poop. 907 00:44:43,881 --> 00:44:45,381 Ladies and gentlemen, 908 00:44:45,383 --> 00:44:48,418 as I have said many times before, 909 00:44:48,420 --> 00:44:50,153 and as I now will say again, 910 00:44:50,155 --> 00:44:53,823 your unemployment forms will not be deemed complete 911 00:44:53,825 --> 00:44:58,094 by answering the questions with "please see résumé attached." 912 00:44:58,096 --> 00:45:02,832 Do not ignore this warning if you want anyone in this room 913 00:45:02,834 --> 00:45:04,400 to ever leave it. 914 00:45:04,402 --> 00:45:07,336 Yo, man. Come on. 915 00:45:10,374 --> 00:45:12,775 Oh, geez. 916 00:45:12,777 --> 00:45:16,279 - Need one of these. -More than I ever thought possible. 917 00:45:16,281 --> 00:45:18,781 - Well, then you're in luck. - Thank you. 918 00:45:18,783 --> 00:45:20,950 Mm-hmm. 919 00:45:26,890 --> 00:45:29,992 Thank you. Tough crowd. 920 00:45:29,994 --> 00:45:31,394 Seriously. You'd think you'd 921 00:45:31,396 --> 00:45:33,296 at least get sympathy for being unemployed. 922 00:45:33,298 --> 00:45:35,331 I guess there's really no such thing as a free lunch, huh? 923 00:45:35,333 --> 00:45:38,101 You're not kidding. You should see how much I charge for this pen. 924 00:45:38,103 --> 00:45:40,036 - How much? - 50 bucks a day. 925 00:45:40,038 --> 00:45:43,172 - Wow. Steep. -Yeah. Little steep for people unemployed. 926 00:45:43,174 --> 00:45:45,908 I think so. 927 00:45:45,910 --> 00:45:49,345 Attention, attention! 928 00:45:49,347 --> 00:45:53,216 Having watched the required "jobs: Yes!" Slideshow 929 00:45:53,218 --> 00:45:55,818 and having filled in your benefit forms, 930 00:45:55,820 --> 00:45:59,388 you're nearly finished with today's mandatory session. 931 00:45:59,390 --> 00:46:00,890 The first three hours were so much fun. 932 00:46:00,892 --> 00:46:02,925 - They were, weren't they? - Yeah. 933 00:46:02,927 --> 00:46:06,796 We have randomly selected from the collect forms 934 00:46:06,798 --> 00:46:10,299 the names of ten people who are to participate 935 00:46:10,301 --> 00:46:13,503 with one of our employment specialists 936 00:46:13,505 --> 00:46:15,371 in an additional 937 00:46:15,373 --> 00:46:20,109 45-minute session. 938 00:46:20,111 --> 00:46:23,346 Who knows? Maybe you'll even find that job 939 00:46:23,348 --> 00:46:24,814 today. 940 00:46:24,816 --> 00:46:26,949 - Any questions? - Yeah. 941 00:46:26,951 --> 00:46:28,451 What bribe gets you to not call my name? 942 00:46:28,453 --> 00:46:29,986 Okay, if you are 943 00:46:29,988 --> 00:46:32,822 not one of the ten names called, 944 00:46:32,824 --> 00:46:35,291 - you will be free to go. - "The almighty tells me 945 00:46:35,293 --> 00:46:37,460 he can get me out of this mess, 946 00:46:37,462 --> 00:46:39,028 but he's pretty sure you're fucked." 947 00:46:39,030 --> 00:46:40,563 "Braveheart"? 948 00:46:40,565 --> 00:46:45,935 - Mr. Edward hart. - Fuck! 949 00:46:50,174 --> 00:46:51,908 I want you to know, whatever happens 950 00:46:51,910 --> 00:46:53,810 we'll always have Paris. 951 00:46:53,812 --> 00:46:58,014 - Miss Barbara Robbins. - "Casablanca." Nice. 952 00:47:03,086 --> 00:47:07,590 - Mr. Charles Carroll. 953 00:47:21,973 --> 00:47:23,873 Hey! How ya doin'? 954 00:47:24,908 --> 00:47:27,376 Mmm. No. 955 00:47:30,582 --> 00:47:32,949 Too work-like. 956 00:47:32,951 --> 00:47:34,984 You look like a friend of mine. Thanks, that's new. 957 00:47:34,986 --> 00:47:36,519 You look really nice tonight. 958 00:47:36,521 --> 00:47:37,987 You look really nice too. You look really familiar. 959 00:47:37,989 --> 00:47:40,289 I know. Can I buy you a drink? 960 00:47:40,291 --> 00:47:41,390 Hey. Oh, hey. 961 00:47:41,392 --> 00:47:42,391 Hey. How you doing? 962 00:47:42,393 --> 00:47:44,327 How you doing? 963 00:47:44,329 --> 00:47:47,463 This is my first time here too. 964 00:47:47,465 --> 00:47:50,600 Hey there. How you doin'? 965 00:47:50,602 --> 00:47:52,301 I'm pretty good. How are you? 966 00:47:52,303 --> 00:47:53,970 - I love this place. - I'm sorry, 967 00:47:53,972 --> 00:47:56,205 what's your name again? 968 00:47:56,207 --> 00:47:59,008 - That's funny, I never touch the stuff. - I don't eat meat. 969 00:47:59,010 --> 00:48:00,943 - I don't eat meat. - Definitely don't eat meat. 970 00:48:00,945 --> 00:48:03,880 - I don't drink. - I'm a street performer. 971 00:48:03,882 --> 00:48:05,381 - A lawyer. - Into safety words. 972 00:48:05,383 --> 00:48:06,382 - Kafka. - Condiments. 973 00:48:06,384 --> 00:48:07,483 Hats. 974 00:48:07,485 --> 00:48:09,051 Not all drugs, just some drugs. 975 00:48:09,053 --> 00:48:11,420 - I mean, I get it. - That and cocaine. 976 00:48:11,422 --> 00:48:14,624 - You must be Indian. - Penis and all that. 977 00:48:14,626 --> 00:48:16,559 - I don't really wanna talk to people. - Did is say that out loud? 978 00:48:16,561 --> 00:48:19,262 I voted for bush... 979 00:48:19,264 --> 00:48:20,630 Twice. 980 00:48:23,200 --> 00:48:24,567 - What do you mean... - You don't... 981 00:48:24,569 --> 00:48:26,002 have a job? 982 00:48:26,004 --> 00:48:28,070 God, you sound just like my boyfriend. 983 00:48:31,242 --> 00:48:33,276 Leone, party of four! 984 00:48:33,278 --> 00:48:36,012 I'm convinced every sane woman in this city is taken. 985 00:48:36,014 --> 00:48:38,214 - So fuckin' dramatic. - I'm tellin' ya 986 00:48:38,216 --> 00:48:40,082 - these women are psycho. - -Oh, my god. 987 00:48:40,084 --> 00:48:41,584 They can't all be that bad. 988 00:48:41,586 --> 00:48:43,619 I don't know. 989 00:48:43,621 --> 00:48:45,221 Maybe I'm the only person in the world who hates small talk. 990 00:48:45,223 --> 00:48:47,356 Dude, everyone hates small talk. 991 00:48:47,358 --> 00:48:50,026 - So what? -Really? Why do I feel like my head 992 00:48:50,028 --> 00:48:52,261 is gonna explode in a hurricane of generic questions? 993 00:48:52,263 --> 00:48:53,696 - Where are you from? - Where do you work? 994 00:48:53,698 --> 00:48:55,398 - Where did you go to school? - You know, 995 00:48:55,400 --> 00:48:57,600 the "am I better than you" questions. 996 00:48:57,602 --> 00:48:59,502 Asking those is how you know you're a new yorker. 997 00:48:59,504 --> 00:49:01,203 How much do you pay for your apartment? 998 00:49:01,205 --> 00:49:03,039 - How many square feet? - What was your broker's fee? 999 00:49:03,041 --> 00:49:04,073 I think this place is owned by the same guy 1000 00:49:04,075 --> 00:49:05,942 that owns Balthazar. 1001 00:49:05,944 --> 00:49:07,610 - You ever take a date there? - It's not that bad. 1002 00:49:07,612 --> 00:49:09,478 I'm sorry. What? 1003 00:49:09,480 --> 00:49:12,581 - I think it is that bad. - Oh, shit. 1004 00:49:12,583 --> 00:49:14,116 Oh, yeah. 1005 00:49:14,118 --> 00:49:16,118 Incomplete parties will not be seated. 1006 00:49:16,120 --> 00:49:17,286 Okay, Charlie. 1007 00:49:17,288 --> 00:49:18,487 You know what? I'm your friend. 1008 00:49:18,489 --> 00:49:20,456 I love you. We all love you 1009 00:49:20,458 --> 00:49:22,558 but you know what your problem is? 1010 00:49:22,560 --> 00:49:24,427 - You. - Excuse me? 1011 00:49:24,429 --> 00:49:27,363 Excuse you. Look, you're certainly not the first guy 1012 00:49:27,365 --> 00:49:30,399 to think he's some big deal for getting a lot of dates in this town. 1013 00:49:30,401 --> 00:49:32,635 That doesn't mean you have any idea what you're doing 1014 00:49:32,637 --> 00:49:35,071 when you're out with these women. Thank you. 1015 00:49:35,073 --> 00:49:38,307 Any guy with an American express card and a pulse can get a date. 1016 00:49:38,309 --> 00:49:41,277 There's like half a million more single women than men. 1017 00:49:41,279 --> 00:49:42,712 It's just that when you're out on these dates 1018 00:49:42,714 --> 00:49:46,482 it takes two to tango. That's all I'm saying. 1019 00:49:46,484 --> 00:49:49,552 - I am starving. Should I check with the hostess... -just face it. 1020 00:49:49,554 --> 00:49:51,387 We're never getting in. 1021 00:49:51,389 --> 00:49:53,222 And here's a new thought for you, I... 1022 00:49:53,224 --> 00:49:57,093 - Am not the problem. -I don't even know why I try. 1023 00:49:57,095 --> 00:49:58,461 Way to be introspective. 1024 00:49:58,463 --> 00:50:00,296 - Way to be open-minded. - I don't even know why 1025 00:50:00,298 --> 00:50:02,131 - I'd expect anything else. - Yeah, you're completely wrong. 1026 00:50:02,133 --> 00:50:04,567 - I cannot even believe you think that. 1027 00:50:04,569 --> 00:50:06,302 You know what? Whatever. 1028 00:50:07,504 --> 00:50:09,138 I'm gonna go talk to the hostess. 1029 00:50:09,140 --> 00:50:11,207 - Okay. - Okay. 1030 00:50:13,210 --> 00:50:15,378 Beyond that though, you've got an even bigger bugaboo 1031 00:50:15,380 --> 00:50:17,413 - since you're also not having sex. 1032 00:50:17,415 --> 00:50:19,115 - You're the one who said he hates small-talk. - He's got a point. 1033 00:50:19,117 --> 00:50:20,383 If you're not having sex, 1034 00:50:20,385 --> 00:50:21,484 you don't have the proper confidence. 1035 00:50:21,486 --> 00:50:22,718 Without that, you're sunk. 1036 00:50:22,720 --> 00:50:25,688 Oh, so I should just have sex then. 1037 00:50:25,690 --> 00:50:27,623 - Yes. -Without question. Easy as pie 1038 00:50:27,625 --> 00:50:29,325 - as soon as you do one simple thing. - What's that? 1039 00:50:29,327 --> 00:50:31,060 - Lower your standards. - Unbelievable. 1040 00:50:31,062 --> 00:50:32,261 Don't look at me like that. 1041 00:50:32,263 --> 00:50:33,496 It's downright insulting to women 1042 00:50:33,498 --> 00:50:34,630 if you don't try to have sex with them. 1043 00:50:34,632 --> 00:50:36,165 She may say no, but at least 1044 00:50:36,167 --> 00:50:37,233 she gets the pleasure of having to have 1045 00:50:37,235 --> 00:50:38,501 to give you the old Heisman. 1046 00:50:38,503 --> 00:50:39,702 - Oh, my god. - Look no one knows why this is. 1047 00:50:39,704 --> 00:50:41,270 Men are fucking disgusting. 1048 00:50:41,272 --> 00:50:42,605 How a woman could even be with a man 1049 00:50:42,607 --> 00:50:44,640 - is a miracle to us all. - Hetero guys for sure, 1050 00:50:44,642 --> 00:50:46,275 but let's face it, all guys 1051 00:50:46,277 --> 00:50:48,244 lose their sense of mojo without copulation. 1052 00:50:48,246 --> 00:50:50,112 - Stupid, but true. -Bingo! And this is not rocket science. 1053 00:50:50,114 --> 00:50:52,214 This is man-woman, part-part, plug-and-play. 1054 00:50:52,216 --> 00:50:54,083 You don't think she's very smart? 1055 00:50:54,085 --> 00:50:55,751 Fine, but she's attractive? Have sex with her. 1056 00:50:55,753 --> 00:50:56,752 You don't like her politics, 1057 00:50:56,754 --> 00:50:58,487 her taste in shoes, 1058 00:50:58,489 --> 00:51:00,189 her pronunciation of her name, 1059 00:51:00,191 --> 00:51:01,424 her inability to read, speak in complete, 1060 00:51:01,426 --> 00:51:03,259 fully-formed sentences, load dishwasher, 1061 00:51:03,261 --> 00:51:05,294 pass fuckin' gas... but you think she's kinda nice, 1062 00:51:05,296 --> 00:51:06,796 have sex with her. 1063 00:51:06,798 --> 00:51:08,531 Have sex with her and a few other chicks like her. 1064 00:51:08,533 --> 00:51:10,299 Then walk into a date with a woman 1065 00:51:10,301 --> 00:51:12,735 you actually do like carrying a brand-new mojo. 1066 00:51:12,737 --> 00:51:15,171 The confident, "I have sex all the time, mother fucker, 1067 00:51:15,173 --> 00:51:17,173 so get up on this dick" mojo, 1068 00:51:17,175 --> 00:51:19,642 then have sex with that chick... hell, maybe even marry her. 1069 00:51:19,644 --> 00:51:21,710 I don't know. What I do know. 1070 00:51:21,712 --> 00:51:23,179 We will all be a lot happier 1071 00:51:23,181 --> 00:51:25,147 waiting in this line next week 1072 00:51:25,149 --> 00:51:28,451 talking about something other than your fucking lacking-sex-life. 1073 00:51:28,453 --> 00:51:30,486 I know this is hard to hear. I get it. 1074 00:51:30,488 --> 00:51:33,622 But that's why I'm tellin' you. We love you. 1075 00:51:33,624 --> 00:51:36,292 All right? We love you, Charlie. So just listen up. 1076 00:51:36,294 --> 00:51:38,794 Hey, so we're not having brunch 1077 00:51:38,796 --> 00:51:42,364 but listen to the advice from this guy. 1078 00:51:42,366 --> 00:51:45,768 - Hmm. -You give the best advice ever. 1079 00:51:45,770 --> 00:51:47,470 Mmm! Look, Charlie, 1080 00:51:47,472 --> 00:51:49,405 just be nice to these women. 1081 00:51:49,407 --> 00:51:51,340 Okay? Embrace them for who they are. 1082 00:51:51,342 --> 00:51:54,543 Right. Straight outta sing sing. 1083 00:52:05,288 --> 00:52:08,324 - Oh! - Ha! Found it! 1084 00:52:08,326 --> 00:52:11,560 - Oh. -What's vodka without limes, right? 1085 00:52:11,562 --> 00:52:14,763 Yeah. 1086 00:52:18,368 --> 00:52:21,137 Thanks. 1087 00:52:21,139 --> 00:52:22,271 Cheers. Vodka tonics 1088 00:52:22,273 --> 00:52:24,306 and I are like... 1089 00:52:24,308 --> 00:52:27,843 Oh, I only had soda. I hope that's okay. 1090 00:52:27,845 --> 00:52:29,745 It's fine. It's fine. 1091 00:52:29,747 --> 00:52:32,615 It's just fine. 1092 00:52:32,617 --> 00:52:36,619 Soda's just fine. 1093 00:52:36,621 --> 00:52:38,787 Your apartment's nice. 1094 00:52:38,789 --> 00:52:42,424 - Thanks. - Yeah. Sure. 1095 00:52:42,426 --> 00:52:45,561 Um, I bet you get really nice light in here. 1096 00:52:45,563 --> 00:52:48,631 - Hmm. -And you had a low broker's fee. 1097 00:52:48,633 --> 00:52:51,901 Um, Charlie... 1098 00:52:51,903 --> 00:52:54,803 Are you okay? 1099 00:52:54,805 --> 00:52:57,306 Fine. Fine. 1100 00:52:57,308 --> 00:52:59,175 You are just fine. 1101 00:52:59,177 --> 00:53:01,911 You are just motherfucking fine. 1102 00:53:01,913 --> 00:53:04,780 Don't be conflicted. Don't be weird. 1103 00:53:04,782 --> 00:53:08,217 You go in there, you drink your vodka-goddamn-soda, 1104 00:53:08,219 --> 00:53:09,585 you take that woman's clothes off, 1105 00:53:09,587 --> 00:53:12,488 and you get your mojo back. 1106 00:53:15,359 --> 00:53:16,959 Oh, hey. 1107 00:53:16,961 --> 00:53:19,728 Mary, it's kind of dark. I can't really see you. 1108 00:53:19,730 --> 00:53:22,431 Don't worry, tiger. I've got you covered. 1109 00:53:25,736 --> 00:53:29,605 Ha-ha! 1110 00:54:00,638 --> 00:54:02,271 Like that. 1111 00:54:08,813 --> 00:54:11,547 - Oh. 1112 00:55:34,397 --> 00:55:36,532 More personal than intercourse, my ass! 1113 00:55:36,534 --> 00:55:38,667 What makes you so entitled to make that request, anyway? 1114 00:55:38,669 --> 00:55:40,636 Yeah. Excuse me, but I am not aroused 1115 00:55:40,638 --> 00:55:42,638 by triggering my gag reflex. 1116 00:55:42,640 --> 00:55:45,040 - No woman is a fucking sex slave. - No more crap about semen 1117 00:55:45,042 --> 00:55:47,609 - being good for your hair or your skin, either. -No. 1118 00:55:47,611 --> 00:55:50,512 It's not good for anything except for when it comes out your dick, 1119 00:55:50,514 --> 00:55:52,948 - it's good for you. -Can you believe the son-of-a-bitch 1120 00:55:52,950 --> 00:55:55,351 - ate asparagus last night? - Oh, my god! 1121 00:55:55,353 --> 00:55:57,386 - Asparagus. - You sick fuck! 1122 00:55:57,388 --> 00:55:59,355 What is pineapple juice beneath you? 1123 00:55:59,357 --> 00:56:00,489 I'm sorry, but I like it. 1124 00:56:00,491 --> 00:56:01,724 It's delicious and refreshing. 1125 00:56:01,726 --> 00:56:03,492 It doesn't make my pussy taste bitter. 1126 00:56:03,494 --> 00:56:04,860 - Maybe you enjoy demeaning women. - I wax my fucking pussy 1127 00:56:04,862 --> 00:56:06,028 and you can't wax your fucking dick! 1128 00:56:06,030 --> 00:56:08,430 No, you can't wax your dick. 1129 00:56:08,432 --> 00:56:10,699 - You enjoy demeaning women? -Fucking blowjobs and television sports! 1130 00:56:10,701 --> 00:56:12,768 - You motherfucker! TV is all you care about. - That's all you care about. 1131 00:56:12,770 --> 00:56:14,970 Nobody cares about your fucking fantasy teams. 1132 00:56:14,972 --> 00:56:17,639 - Turn it off and take out the trash! - Turn it off. 1133 00:56:26,884 --> 00:56:30,786 - Oh, Christ. 1134 00:57:43,927 --> 00:57:45,694 Do you know how many "do-not-answers" 1135 00:57:45,696 --> 00:57:48,163 - I have this week alone? - No, I don't. I don't. 1136 00:57:48,165 --> 00:57:49,832 Corinne Makinen, do not answer. 1137 00:57:49,834 --> 00:57:52,034 Julia Cunningham, do not answer. 1138 00:57:52,036 --> 00:57:54,636 "Blind date girl," "hot coffee chick" 1139 00:57:54,638 --> 00:57:58,907 Internet dates 13-37... wanna know what comes up when they call? 1140 00:57:58,909 --> 00:58:01,109 - "Do not answer," betting. - "Do not answer." Yeah. 1141 00:58:01,111 --> 00:58:04,913 About the only phone call I can take these days is from my mom. 1142 00:58:04,915 --> 00:58:07,149 All she ever want to know is when am I gonna get another job? 1143 00:58:07,151 --> 00:58:10,686 Shit, man. Even when you call 1144 00:58:10,688 --> 00:58:13,689 all I can ever think about is the happiness that you've found with Kathy. 1145 00:58:13,691 --> 00:58:16,592 - Thanks, man. -And about how, one day, I'll die 1146 00:58:16,594 --> 00:58:18,560 having never found that kind of love myself. 1147 00:58:18,562 --> 00:58:19,928 Okay, we're gonna stop this conversation 1148 00:58:19,930 --> 00:58:22,064 but, I gotta say, relationships are hard. 1149 00:58:22,066 --> 00:58:23,732 The one thing I'm not gonna do is sit here 1150 00:58:23,734 --> 00:58:25,834 and listen to how easy everybody else has it. 1151 00:58:25,836 --> 00:58:27,769 I've said this before, but I'm gonna say it again. 1152 00:58:27,771 --> 00:58:29,505 You gotta quit tryin' so god damn hard. 1153 00:58:29,507 --> 00:58:31,907 Treat women like basketball. No more no-look passes 1154 00:58:31,909 --> 00:58:33,509 through traffic trying to get the easy layup. 1155 00:58:33,511 --> 00:58:35,511 Let the game come to you. Play good defense. 1156 00:58:35,513 --> 00:58:38,146 Limit your turnovers. Get the open look of the broken play. 1157 00:58:38,148 --> 00:58:42,885 - Hit the shot. -I'm like a one-armed wilt Chamberlain out there. 1158 00:58:42,887 --> 00:58:46,922 Okay. No. You may be right. I'm no expert. 1159 00:58:46,924 --> 00:58:49,558 Instead of coming up with a solid game plan aimed at victory 1160 00:58:49,560 --> 00:58:52,127 it's probably better to complain instead. 1161 00:58:52,129 --> 00:58:54,530 I'm sorry, man. 1162 00:58:54,532 --> 00:58:56,565 I know you're right. You know? 1163 00:58:56,567 --> 00:58:58,867 - I just... - No, look. I get it. 1164 00:58:58,869 --> 00:59:00,168 I do. Look, I feel for ya. 1165 00:59:00,170 --> 00:59:01,537 I'm really glad that we had 1166 00:59:01,539 --> 00:59:03,038 this little talk, but, uh... 1167 00:59:03,040 --> 00:59:06,708 If it's okay with you... 1168 00:59:06,710 --> 00:59:07,876 How 'bout I get married? 1169 00:59:30,733 --> 00:59:34,036 It sure has been a long time. Congratulations. 1170 00:59:34,038 --> 00:59:36,138 Thank you. I'm sure they'll have many happy years together. 1171 00:59:36,140 --> 00:59:38,774 Now, you two, don't be strangers. 1172 00:59:38,776 --> 00:59:41,009 You're not gonna get away from us just yet. 1173 00:59:41,011 --> 00:59:43,178 Not without us first seeing that young lady friend of yours. 1174 00:59:43,180 --> 00:59:45,981 Oh, yes! We haven't seen her tonight. What was her name? 1175 00:59:45,983 --> 00:59:49,017 - Angela. - Angela! That's right. 1176 00:59:49,019 --> 00:59:52,154 - Such nice hair and skin. - And so sweet. 1177 00:59:52,156 --> 00:59:53,655 - Just go. - Hey! 1178 00:59:53,657 --> 00:59:55,591 - Where can we find her? 1179 00:59:55,593 --> 00:59:58,226 - Okay. Okay. -I'm sorry. Would you excuse me? 1180 00:59:58,228 --> 01:00:00,896 - Guys, no! -You know, you have "resting bitch face" 1181 01:00:00,898 --> 01:00:03,165 - but I have something for you. - You arrogant punk. 1182 01:00:03,167 --> 01:00:05,167 - I will throw you out on your ear! - Hey, hey, hey! 1183 01:00:05,169 --> 01:00:07,736 Hey, hey. Fellas, fellas. We are at a wedding. 1184 01:00:07,738 --> 01:00:10,706 A wedding of two people we love very much. 1185 01:00:10,708 --> 01:00:13,141 Which is why we are going to keep our heads. 1186 01:00:13,143 --> 01:00:16,144 Just for one day, hmm? We're gonna have a very nice time. 1187 01:00:16,146 --> 01:00:18,714 We're gonna enjoy this wonderfully generous open bar, okay? 1188 01:00:18,716 --> 01:00:22,985 I'm sorry, sir. Could you please give Mr. Tucker another drink? 1189 01:00:22,987 --> 01:00:25,954 Here you go. And... 1190 01:00:25,956 --> 01:00:28,156 We're gonna apologize. 1191 01:00:30,259 --> 01:00:32,694 Now, that's what I'm talkin' about right there. 1192 01:00:32,696 --> 01:00:34,977 That's a wonderfully hospitable gesture. Wouldn't you say? 1193 01:00:38,668 --> 01:00:41,670 Adorable! 1194 01:00:41,672 --> 01:00:43,705 What is wrong with you, Brice? 1195 01:00:43,707 --> 01:00:45,774 You don't think he's adorable? 1196 01:00:45,776 --> 01:00:47,643 You're a member of the wedding party, for Christ sake. 1197 01:00:47,645 --> 01:00:50,746 You can't avoid an all-out brawl by, what, your third drink? 1198 01:00:50,748 --> 01:00:52,381 - Fucker sat in my chair. - He sat in your chair? 1199 01:00:52,383 --> 01:00:54,249 He's the father of the goddamn bride. 1200 01:00:54,251 --> 01:00:56,852 All right. Whatever. He should know better. 1201 01:00:56,854 --> 01:00:59,421 Just for the record, this is my fourth drink. 1202 01:00:59,423 --> 01:01:02,157 You could try to be, like, this much less of an asshole. 1203 01:01:02,159 --> 01:01:03,992 - Oh, please. -You wanna do this narcissistic shit 1204 01:01:03,994 --> 01:01:05,794 on your own time, be my guest. 1205 01:01:05,796 --> 01:01:08,263 But at least try not to do it at your friend's wedding. 1206 01:01:08,265 --> 01:01:10,132 - Hmm? -You're one to talk. You don't think 1207 01:01:10,134 --> 01:01:12,034 your self-involved brooding over every chick 1208 01:01:12,036 --> 01:01:14,136 - you've ever dated since birth is getting old? - You know what? 1209 01:01:14,138 --> 01:01:15,704 - Fuck you, dude. - Oh, shit. 1210 01:01:15,706 --> 01:01:18,140 What's with the potty-mouth all of a sudden? 1211 01:01:18,142 --> 01:01:20,976 I do have a potty-mouth and this potty-mouth is sick of your shit. 1212 01:01:20,978 --> 01:01:23,078 My shit? 'Cause you would never cause a scene 1213 01:01:23,080 --> 01:01:25,113 at a friend's wedding, would you? 1214 01:01:26,716 --> 01:01:29,117 - You're a dick. - Christ, dude. 1215 01:01:29,119 --> 01:01:31,753 Your ex didn't waste any time getting her shit back together. 1216 01:01:31,755 --> 01:01:33,188 - What's your problem? -What are you talking about? 1217 01:01:33,190 --> 01:01:34,710 Like you don't know Angela got engaged. 1218 01:01:39,062 --> 01:01:41,730 The carrots are shit. You're a nice guy, man. 1219 01:01:41,732 --> 01:01:44,299 Okay? A little boring, but Vince likes you 1220 01:01:44,301 --> 01:01:46,034 so you can't be that bad, but... 1221 01:01:46,036 --> 01:01:47,402 You gotta get your shit together. 1222 01:01:47,404 --> 01:01:49,104 Here. 1223 01:01:50,139 --> 01:01:52,107 Do us both a favor 1224 01:01:52,109 --> 01:01:54,976 suck on one of those for a little while and just keep quiet. 1225 01:01:54,978 --> 01:01:57,779 We got a nice, long night ahead of us. We're gonna calm down 1226 01:01:57,781 --> 01:02:00,282 shake it off, drink some drinks 1227 01:02:00,284 --> 01:02:02,350 smoke some stogies and crush 1228 01:02:02,352 --> 01:02:05,854 oh, yeah. A little ass. 1229 01:02:08,057 --> 01:02:12,027 Hoo-ah! Good talk. This is yours. 1230 01:02:28,078 --> 01:02:32,347 I'd like to propose a toast 1231 01:02:32,349 --> 01:02:34,950 to my best buddy, Charlie, who, god help us all, 1232 01:02:34,952 --> 01:02:37,352 - is about to give his best man speech. 1233 01:02:37,354 --> 01:02:39,287 To Charlie Carroll! 1234 01:02:39,289 --> 01:02:42,891 When I first met Charlie, I thought he was a complete idiot. 1235 01:02:42,893 --> 01:02:45,994 Then he opened his mouth... And proved me right. 1236 01:02:45,996 --> 01:02:48,263 Come on, Charlie. Come on up here. 1237 01:02:48,265 --> 01:02:50,499 - Charlie! 1238 01:02:57,106 --> 01:02:59,508 Hold on, now, Charlie. Where's that young lady friend of yours? 1239 01:02:59,510 --> 01:03:01,376 Yes, Angela. Such a pretty girl. 1240 01:03:01,378 --> 01:03:04,312 Did I mention, my new fiancée's got a really big dick. 1241 01:03:04,314 --> 01:03:06,314 Quite a bit more sizeable than yours, Charles. 1242 01:03:06,316 --> 01:03:09,017 I definitely love middle-of-the-night sex with him. 1243 01:03:09,019 --> 01:03:10,018 Little guy. 1244 01:03:10,020 --> 01:03:11,787 You sick... 1245 01:03:11,789 --> 01:03:14,089 - You shouldn't be giving a speech. - Oh, god. 1246 01:03:14,091 --> 01:03:15,791 That'd be the perfect way to hear about every chick you've dated since birth. 1247 01:03:15,793 --> 01:03:17,159 Probably better to complain instead. 1248 01:03:17,161 --> 01:03:19,294 - Where do you work? - Any man with a pulse 1249 01:03:19,296 --> 01:03:20,295 - and an American express can get a date. - Where Di you go to school? 1250 01:03:20,297 --> 01:03:22,030 Asparagus! 1251 01:03:22,032 --> 01:03:23,231 - Yeah, I don't eat meat. - Where did you go to school? 1252 01:03:23,233 --> 01:03:24,900 Because something's wrong with him. 1253 01:03:24,902 --> 01:03:26,935 - Anybody can see that. - Way to be introspective. 1254 01:03:26,937 --> 01:03:29,237 Right, 'cause you would never cause a scene at a friend's wedding? 1255 01:03:29,239 --> 01:03:31,940 You know what your problem is Charlie? You. 1256 01:03:46,956 --> 01:03:52,460 - To Kathy and Vince. 1257 01:04:13,016 --> 01:04:17,485 Hey, that was a really amazing speech you gave. 1258 01:04:17,487 --> 01:04:21,423 Thank you very much. I wish I could remember it. 1259 01:04:22,525 --> 01:04:24,226 - Wow. - Yeah. 1260 01:04:24,228 --> 01:04:28,630 I've never seen an entire crowd in tears like that. 1261 01:04:28,632 --> 01:04:30,432 And the way you delivered it 1262 01:04:30,434 --> 01:04:32,300 like, almost catatonic at times. 1263 01:04:32,302 --> 01:04:35,871 It was... it was moving, to say the least. 1264 01:04:35,873 --> 01:04:40,475 Well, here's to what alcoholics refer to as a "moment of clarity." 1265 01:04:50,621 --> 01:04:54,055 You don't, uh... 1266 01:04:54,057 --> 01:04:56,191 Recognize me, do you? 1267 01:04:56,193 --> 01:04:58,426 It's okay. It'll come to you. 1268 01:04:58,428 --> 01:05:01,496 "Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow 1269 01:05:01,498 --> 01:05:05,166 - but soon and for the rest of your life." -Holy shit. 1270 01:05:05,168 --> 01:05:07,035 - Oh, my god. -Thought bogie'd shake it out of you. 1271 01:05:07,037 --> 01:05:09,237 - Yeah, it's okay. Lorelei, by the way. - Charlie. 1272 01:05:09,239 --> 01:05:13,174 I... I didn't ask for you number that day. 1273 01:05:13,176 --> 01:05:14,643 I've been regretting it ever since. 1274 01:05:14,645 --> 01:05:18,580 Really? I did not see that coming. 1275 01:05:18,582 --> 01:05:20,215 I swear to god. True story. 1276 01:05:20,217 --> 01:05:22,250 You... you were so charming. 1277 01:05:22,252 --> 01:05:25,287 - Infinitely better than yes!" Video. -Oh. 1278 01:05:25,289 --> 01:05:29,557 - That was a good one. - So, please, um... 1279 01:05:29,559 --> 01:05:32,227 Accept my apology for my non-attempt 1280 01:05:32,229 --> 01:05:35,297 it was... clearly uncalled for. 1281 01:05:35,299 --> 01:05:38,700 Well, now that I've heard the part of your speech 1282 01:05:38,702 --> 01:05:40,635 where vegetarianism abandoned you. 1283 01:05:40,637 --> 01:05:43,571 Holy cow, by the way. 1284 01:05:43,573 --> 01:05:45,640 You know, maybe I can let this one slide. 1285 01:05:45,642 --> 01:05:48,376 Well, I won't make that mistake twice, so, you know. 1286 01:05:48,378 --> 01:05:52,047 - Beware. - Well. 1287 01:05:53,382 --> 01:05:56,284 Although, I must say that you're lucky 1288 01:05:56,286 --> 01:05:59,154 'cause a girl, not quite as confident as me, might 1289 01:05:59,156 --> 01:06:02,590 worry or wonder why a guy or gentleman, such as yourself 1290 01:06:02,592 --> 01:06:04,092 didn't ask for her number. 1291 01:06:04,094 --> 01:06:05,694 She could wonder for a whole ten minutes. 1292 01:06:05,696 --> 01:06:08,229 - Could leave a scar. - Oh, scars. 1293 01:06:08,231 --> 01:06:10,231 Well, that is something that I know a lot about. 1294 01:06:10,233 --> 01:06:13,735 But, to be honest, there's nothing to wonder. 1295 01:06:13,737 --> 01:06:15,437 You, i... 1296 01:06:15,439 --> 01:06:17,439 God, I was thrilled with. 1297 01:06:17,441 --> 01:06:21,609 Me, on the other hand, then, not so much. 1298 01:06:21,611 --> 01:06:24,245 - Mr. damaged goods. - Oh! 1299 01:06:24,247 --> 01:06:25,981 I should put that on my driver's license. 1300 01:06:25,983 --> 01:06:29,551 - Definitely should. The rebound. - Yeah. 1301 01:06:29,553 --> 01:06:32,020 Of course, compounded by the job situation. 1302 01:06:32,022 --> 01:06:33,421 I'm still unemployed, by the way, 1303 01:06:33,423 --> 01:06:35,190 but I'm sure you can understand. 1304 01:06:35,192 --> 01:06:37,459 No, actually, I got a job a few months ago. 1305 01:06:37,461 --> 01:06:40,462 - But you get it. So, um... 1306 01:06:43,165 --> 01:06:46,534 I was getting out of this relationship with this girl Angela, 1307 01:06:46,536 --> 01:06:48,570 and, I don't know, 1308 01:06:48,572 --> 01:06:51,239 the thing about Angela... 1309 01:07:03,119 --> 01:07:04,719 The thing about her is... 1310 01:07:04,721 --> 01:07:07,322 She's in the past. 1311 01:07:07,324 --> 01:07:10,025 And I live here in reality. 1312 01:07:10,027 --> 01:07:12,227 It's great to see you, by the way. 1313 01:07:12,229 --> 01:07:14,562 It's great to see you too. 1314 01:07:19,201 --> 01:07:21,169 I love this song. 1315 01:07:21,171 --> 01:07:23,638 No, seriously, do you remember this song? 1316 01:07:23,640 --> 01:07:25,774 - Yeah, how could I forget it? - Back in the day. 1317 01:07:25,776 --> 01:07:27,609 - I adore this song. - That's good. 1318 01:07:27,611 --> 01:07:30,178 - I used to roller skate to this song. - Shut up. 1319 01:07:30,180 --> 01:07:32,647 - Yeah. Totally did. -I used to roller skate to this song. 1320 01:07:32,649 --> 01:07:35,550 - Okay. -I swear. Yeah. "Backward skate. 1321 01:07:35,552 --> 01:07:37,118 Backward skate only please. 1322 01:07:37,120 --> 01:07:39,287 Backward skate. Reverse." 1323 01:07:39,289 --> 01:07:41,056 Oh. Yeah. I remember that. 1324 01:07:41,058 --> 01:07:43,691 But, you know, I can probably do you one better. 1325 01:07:46,095 --> 01:07:48,263 "Couples skate only, please. Couples skate only. 1326 01:07:48,265 --> 01:07:51,199 All other skaters please clear the floor." 1327 01:07:57,707 --> 01:07:59,441 Now, I know what you're thinking. 1328 01:08:01,411 --> 01:08:04,312 But the point here isn't Lorelei turning out to be the one. 1329 01:08:06,416 --> 01:08:08,783 No, for me, that weekend it was good enough 1330 01:08:08,785 --> 01:08:12,587 to see some old friends united with their "ones." 1331 01:08:12,589 --> 01:08:14,456 A nice reminder to help get me on my way. 1332 01:08:16,560 --> 01:08:18,393 Interestingly, however 1333 01:08:18,395 --> 01:08:22,464 even though it took some time off relaxing, 1334 01:08:22,466 --> 01:08:26,234 attaining the finer appreciation for introspection 1335 01:08:26,236 --> 01:08:30,305 finding a therapist willing to discard Ibizan philosophies 1336 01:08:30,307 --> 01:08:32,474 in exchange for more helpful, Swedish techniques... 1337 01:08:34,878 --> 01:08:38,513 And, of course, getting a well-earned case of the clap. 1338 01:08:40,250 --> 01:08:42,417 I finally got my act together, 1339 01:08:42,419 --> 01:08:43,885 created a bit of my own luck 1340 01:08:43,887 --> 01:08:48,490 and faced life, at long last, happier. 1341 01:08:50,393 --> 01:08:53,695 - To me, really, that's the crazy part. 1342 01:08:53,697 --> 01:08:56,865 Rather than putting on a show to create psychological band-aids, 1343 01:08:56,867 --> 01:09:00,435 going out of our way to hide our feelings, 1344 01:09:02,905 --> 01:09:05,373 perhaps we can start by taking comfort 1345 01:09:05,375 --> 01:09:08,309 in the experiences themselves... 1346 01:09:08,311 --> 01:09:10,712 Both good and bad. 1347 01:09:12,414 --> 01:09:15,216 The ones that come with loving another person... 1348 01:09:17,153 --> 01:09:20,388 And being lucky enough to be loved in return. 1349 01:09:22,525 --> 01:09:26,227 Life's valleys... 1350 01:09:45,715 --> 01:09:48,283 And, especially, life's peaks. 1351 01:10:04,334 --> 01:10:05,867 Feeling them at their fullest 1352 01:10:05,869 --> 01:10:07,702 and reminding us why it's so great 1353 01:10:07,704 --> 01:10:10,471 simply being alive in the first place. 1354 01:10:20,784 --> 01:10:23,551 Living live filled with love... real love... 1355 01:10:26,823 --> 01:10:27,889 That we get to feel. 1356 01:10:37,733 --> 01:10:40,335 Honoring the rare treasures of those relationships 1357 01:10:40,337 --> 01:10:41,869 by simply sitting back... 1358 01:10:43,607 --> 01:10:45,373 Being thankful for our lives... 1359 01:10:51,481 --> 01:10:52,814 And enjoying the ride. 1360 01:11:00,789 --> 01:11:05,760 At least, I think that's what Oprah says. 1361 01:11:40,029 --> 01:11:42,630 Hey, give me a hand, buddy. Okay, come on. 1362 01:12:34,049 --> 01:12:36,617 All right. Good-bye, Charles. 1363 01:12:36,619 --> 01:12:39,754 See ya. 1364 01:12:39,756 --> 01:12:42,790 Let's see what he left me. 1365 01:12:42,792 --> 01:12:44,992 That'll cover the drinks. 1366 01:12:54,036 --> 01:12:56,537 You know, uh, in America, we're gentlemen. 1367 01:12:56,539 --> 01:12:58,406 Gentlemen give each other time to speak. 1368 01:12:58,408 --> 01:13:00,074 So, if you'd... Just let me finish. 1369 01:13:18,060 --> 01:13:21,496 Leone, party of four. Leone? Party of four. 1370 01:13:21,498 --> 01:13:24,432 Leon? Leone? Leone, party of four. 1371 01:13:33,942 --> 01:13:36,411 Yeah, it's catchy like the clap, all right. 1372 01:13:39,181 --> 01:13:42,183 - I have the clap. 1373 01:14:09,812 --> 01:14:12,713 It's like maybe inviting another girl into the bedroom. 1374 01:14:12,715 --> 01:14:14,482 Maybe you could watch us? 1375 01:14:21,757 --> 01:14:23,958 - Astronomical. - Wow. 1376 01:14:23,960 --> 01:14:26,661 Yeah. Businesswoman. Can somebody get me a job? 1377 01:15:12,007 --> 01:15:14,942 - Earth to dipshit. Turn the TV off! - Turn it off! 1378 01:15:14,944 --> 01:15:17,011 - Turn it the fuck off! - Turn that fucking TV off! 1379 01:15:17,013 --> 01:15:18,145 - Turn it off. - Turn it off. 1380 01:15:18,147 --> 01:15:19,914 Off. Off. 1381 01:15:19,916 --> 01:15:22,216 Off! 1382 01:15:40,235 --> 01:15:43,304 That's because something's wrong with him. 1383 01:15:43,306 --> 01:15:46,274 Anybody can see that. 1384 01:15:46,276 --> 01:15:49,143 It's because something's wrong with him. 1385 01:15:49,145 --> 01:15:51,812 Anybody could see that. 1386 01:15:51,814 --> 01:15:54,282 Mmm. Excuse me. 1387 01:15:54,284 --> 01:15:56,317 It's because something's wrong with him. 1388 01:15:56,319 --> 01:15:59,787 Anybody can see that. Ben? 1389 01:15:59,789 --> 01:16:03,157 - Anything else? 1390 01:16:06,662 --> 01:16:08,629 Right, because on this dark street 1391 01:16:08,631 --> 01:16:10,932 these two huge thugs with machetes... 1392 01:16:10,934 --> 01:16:14,335 - And nunchucks. - And really bad skin. 1393 01:16:14,337 --> 01:16:17,204 Sorry. I'm so sorry. 1394 01:16:27,583 --> 01:16:31,118 - Holy shit. Seriously? - Yeah, I know. 1395 01:16:37,159 --> 01:16:40,261 The compromises, the... what the fuck? 1396 01:16:40,263 --> 01:16:42,730 - "The relationship compromises. " -Compromises. 1397 01:16:42,732 --> 01:16:44,932 - Aw, fuck me! Fuck me hard! 1398 01:16:44,934 --> 01:16:47,735 - Fuck me so fuckin' hard. 1399 01:16:53,775 --> 01:16:57,044 Peekaboo. Peekaboo. 1400 01:16:57,046 --> 01:16:58,379 Peekaboo. 1401 01:17:03,185 --> 01:17:05,186 Resulting in your eternal damnation 1402 01:17:05,188 --> 01:17:06,621 straight to hell. 1403 01:17:06,623 --> 01:17:09,090 Oh, stop it. 1404 01:17:09,092 --> 01:17:10,992 Hey, what? 1405 01:17:15,397 --> 01:17:17,832 It was vodka without limes, right? 1406 01:17:17,834 --> 01:17:21,335 - Yeah. - Hope you're thirsty. 1407 01:17:25,974 --> 01:17:28,743 Marking! 1408 01:17:28,745 --> 01:17:31,779 Oh! 1409 01:17:31,781 --> 01:17:34,849 Awesome. 1410 01:17:39,222 --> 01:17:42,189 - And... go. - Oh, no, let go! 1411 01:17:46,828 --> 01:17:50,231 Which meant he knew how to maximize our animalistic impulses, 1412 01:17:50,233 --> 01:17:52,733 optimally heightening our sexual stimuli. 1413 01:17:52,735 --> 01:17:56,237 Five orgasms. Cinco orgasmos. 1414 01:18:00,876 --> 01:18:03,444 You look like you've done a lot of drugs. 1415 01:18:09,685 --> 01:18:11,852 - We've got... - America. Okay? 1416 01:18:11,854 --> 01:18:13,220 America, not Britain. 1417 01:18:13,222 --> 01:18:14,955 I'm wearing the fucking flag pin. 1418 01:18:21,129 --> 01:18:22,930 Come on. Look, she's fine. 1419 01:18:22,932 --> 01:18:24,932 I'll let you do that thing to me that you really like. 1420 01:18:24,934 --> 01:18:27,134 I have, like, a whole lotta lube. 1421 01:18:37,746 --> 01:18:41,115 Fuck this! Don't pay me enough. 1422 01:18:42,784 --> 01:18:44,452 - So, here we go. - -My god. 1423 01:18:44,454 --> 01:18:45,853 This is how I do Voiceovers 1424 01:18:45,855 --> 01:18:47,054 in my house. 1425 01:18:47,056 --> 01:18:48,956 Five, six, seven, eight... 1426 01:18:57,133 --> 01:18:58,132 So keep on rollin' 1427 01:18:58,134 --> 01:18:59,333 in the smokin' stroller. 1428 01:18:59,335 --> 01:19:00,655 Available at fine stores near you. 1429 01:19:01,938 --> 01:19:02,937 - What are you doing? - I don't know. 1430 01:19:02,939 --> 01:19:04,472 Okay. 1431 01:19:04,474 --> 01:19:07,041 Let's just keep doin' it. 1432 01:19:15,752 --> 01:19:19,053 - That was so awesome! - -Okay. 1433 01:19:27,130 --> 01:19:28,929 - We're in the pocket. - -That was the best one. 1434 01:19:28,931 --> 01:19:29,930 That was best one. 1435 01:19:29,932 --> 01:19:31,265 Wanna do another one? 1436 01:19:40,009 --> 01:19:41,475 - That's a jingle, man. - That was a good one. 1437 01:19:41,477 --> 01:19:43,944 - Damn! - -Did we get it? 1438 01:20:42,537 --> 01:20:47,141 "67 donkeys," take 5 1439 01:20:47,143 --> 01:20:49,977 - how many donkeys? - -67. 1440 01:20:49,979 --> 01:20:51,579 So, like, here? 1441 01:20:51,581 --> 01:20:53,347 Little higher. 1442 01:20:53,349 --> 01:20:54,982 There.