- Hey. - Fuck you guys.
I'm really gonna miss that asshole.
Yeah, me too.
Grande means large.
- Are you Latin? - No.
Then it's a large latte.
I'd like to speak to the manager.
The manager is not here, would you like to speak to the owner?
Yes, I would.
Now you're just being as asshole
you know what, I think you're gonna need to take your caffeine needs elsewhere.
Dick head.
The owner of this place is a prick.
Don't I know it.
Thank you, Emily. So...
I really don't want to. -Look, it's an extra 1200 a month plus utilities.
Besides we're never gonna find a place this sweet for how much we're paying.
I know, but do you really want some freak moving in?
We don't really have a choice.
And all are friends are broke,
if we don't get a roomie, Jen's gonna want to move in.
Which will be fine, except for the fact that she gonna put a death grip on your dick.
Sorry, it's gonna be like two on one, before you know she'd eventually get
peanut allergy, and then I'm gonna have to move out.
Why would you have to move out?
Quit being Bob, you gotta find a roommate.
- Gonna place an ad. - Okay, you're right.
You're right, just one request please, no dickheads.
Welcome to trickle tree.
We're not within 400 feet of that school, are we?
So you guys do the whole dress alike thing?
- Always have. - Always have.
You know it's just for one room right?
- We know. - We know.
So you guys do like, bunk beds or something?
- Or something. - Or something.
Is it cool if I grow, in the soil back there?
It's pretty fresh.
Wait, is that legal now, to do that?
Aaaaa...
I'm a puppeteer.
Ah cool, for like, kids birthdays?
No, more performance based, my aesthetic isn't for kids.
So like state fairs?
I'm an erotic puppeteer.
- Very cool place. - Thank you.
So Chloe, tell us about yourself.
I'm 28 years old, kind of... In between jobs right now.
I've been living in Santa Monica, but I can't really live there anymore.
Basically I've just had this really bad breakup
and I'm trying to get as far away from there as possible.
Wow that's probably the worst pitch you've heard all day.
No, actually we've heard a lot of bad pitches today.
Yeah.
Chloe, tell us why you think you'd be a good roommate?
I think I'm a fun person.
I'm easy going. -That's perfect, we're... Easy going ourselves.
Well, I... I do have a question.
Do you like to party?
Party?
That's a weird question, Bobby.
No. I like to party, I like to have a good time.
I just want to make sure you're cool with that.
Do you mean like party-party or... party-party?
Uh... party-party.
Like...
Have some drinks, dance around with some friends, have fun kind of party?
Or, do coke and fuck kind of party?
I didn't know there was a definition for party.
Usually when he asks me to throw a party, it leans toward the second one,
- I meant the first one. - He meant the first one.
I'm fine with the first one.
Real quick, Bob, can I just see you in the other room?
Are there other definitions of party I'm not aware of?
- Real quick. - Yeah.
Sorry.
I think this is going very well.
You need to calm down, man, you are all over the place.
I'm cool as a cucumber, you need to calm down.
I think she's great, she's very hot.
I agree she's a very pretty girl.
I know, and she like to party-party.
Hey, I'm here about the room for rent.
No vacancies, fuck off.
Wow, sorry about that.
So, when can you move in?
Just don't say anything, okay. Freddie gets all weird about women.
I'm not gonna say a word, quiet as a mouse. -Thank you.
So how hot are we talking about, dude?
- Pretty hot. - Here's the thing,
she's gonna be our new roommate in a couple of days,
she's not some circus freak to be ogled.
I would like to subtly ogle her.
Yeah, you're about subtle as a date rapist, Fred. I fold.
On you, bud. -I mean, this is what worries me,
you don't know anything about her.
I mean girls are crazy, especially the ones I date.
Like okay, a while ago
I saw this girl at the Metro station right...
And she's eye fucking me hard. Now, this happens a lot.
So it's not like I'm not used to it.
Right, yeah, of course.
But this one made an impression, alright.
So much that couple days go by and I can't stop thinking about her.
So I go on missed connections on Craig's list and...
Mother fucker, if it's not a post that night from this chick.
- No shit. - No.
- Get the fuck out of here. - No.
Seriously, she described everything. What I was wearing, where we were.
The whole kit and caboodle.
Now, I'm feeling frisky so...
I e-mailed her,
right. -And she responds and then we meet up.
This sounds like a penthouse forum letter.
Yeah, well hold your horses, Kimosabi.
We had drinks, that went well.
And then she invited me to her place.
Here's where the story gets kinda weird.
Yeah, cause it wasn't weird before so...
she was the dominatrix.
- Get the fuck out of here. - What?
- Yeah. - Seriously?
Yes man, she gets all leathered up.
You know she asked me, if I'm down to party.
See, Bobby? -So I'm like yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Cool, right? She gives me a safe word. - Oh, what was the safe word?
Porcupine, lady boy...
Fuck I didn't use it, I don't remember, but what I do remember is...
She ties me up and then she started blowing me.
- Oh yeah. Nice. - Fuck.
- Yes. - This sounds great.
Yeah, then she kicks me in the nuts.
- Oow... - What the fuck?
- Why? - Yeah man.
And here's the weird shit, it was awesome.
I mean that's when all this other crazy stuff started happening.
I'm talking about whips and wax and she shoved a peeled banana
up my ass and it didn't even break, I mean come on, man. -Eww.
This girl was genius. I fell in love, I moved her in.
I introduced her to my parents she got my dad hooked on spanishfly
and he had a mild heart attack and I got herpes.
Starting to see why you never told us this story before.
But the point is...
You fuck crazy.
You don't let crazy move in.
I can't believe you picked a girl roommate.
What's the problem? She's a nice lady.
A nice lady?
Yeah...
Girls are cleaner than guys and they make better roommates.
Is she fat?
No. Does she have a hair lip or something?
No. So you went with a hot chick.
She's pleasant looking, non offensive.
You're full of shit.
What's the problem? I'm not gonna bang her or anything.
Please don't say bang, it makes me feel like I'm dating a skateboarder.
I'm not gonna plow her, how about that? -Plow?
Yes, it's so much better than bang, if you're 11.
- Is ray? - Is ray what?
Gonna plow/bang her?
I should hope not, that is very bad roommate etiquette.
Right, of course it is.
- Hi, ray. - Hi.
Look, this is little awkward, but...
My boyfriend came home unexpectedly and I was hoping I could move in early.
Yeah, no, that's totally fine.
- When you thinking? - Today, right now actually.
Oh...
You know, I can pay the extra days pro rated.
Don't be ridiculous, it's totally fine.
- Really? - Yes, of course.
Thank you.
Would you mind helping me carry in my stuff?
- Absolutely. - Thanks.
I wouldn't absolutely not...
What's with this suit of armor?
Ah that is so funny you should ask,
I'm actually a descendant
from a nordic tribe of knights and
for the past 12 generations that armor has been...
he got it at a garage sale.
I did, it's true. But I got a really great deal on it.
Oh, before I forget, couple of house rules...
No avocados, not allowed.
You've an allergy?
No no, they just really freak me out.
Any other rules?
- I'm good. - Um... what about house guests?
- You can have friends over, it's fine. - Like...
Sleepover guests?
Not that I'm in the market for a while, but I just want to know what to expect.
Two single guys.
He's not single.
- You're not? - No, Bobby's got a girlfriend.
Named Jennifer, she's adorable.
That's so cool, I had no idea.
I can't wait to meet her. -Aah, I'm sure you're going to, so very soon.
And you, ray?
Yeah, I'm single.
I mean, I have house guests, I mean sleepover...
Sleepover friends from time to time.
Let's just keep it to a respectful moderation. Okay?
This is fun. Any other rules?
You know, I think we're good in the rules.
Now, Chloe, I couldn't help but notice that you have no furniture.
I know... I need to go buy a bed and stuff tomorrow.
Well, obviously you're gonna need somewhere to sleep.
Yeah I was thinking I could crash in the couch, if that's cool with you guys.
Yeah. -No, this couch is so hard, it will throw your back out.
Why don't you just crash in my room and I will bunk up with ray.
- Really? - Really?
Of course, it's for one night.
Yeah I mean, no. That's... just... guys, sleeping in the bed. Two men.
- Thank you so much. - You're welcome.
This guy huh...
I think it's gonna be really fun, living with you guys.
Why don't I get another bottle...
You know what, I've something that we can really celebrate with.
- Really? - Yeah.
- What's that? - Absinthe.
- What you thinking about? - What?
What you thinking about?
Are you seriously trying to have pillow talk with me right now?
She's in the shower.
- I know, I can hear. - All lathered up.
Can you please not get worked up, when you're sleeping right next me.
Don't tell me you're not into her.
She's a very pretty, nice lady.
She's fucking hot. You totally want to bang her.
The point isn't whether or not I would bang her,
the point is I'm not gonna try to bang her. Okay?
- Is a hand job considered cheating? - Yes, absolutely.
She's done.
Thank god. -I'm gonna get a glass of water.
- Do not do that. - Too late.
Oh... hi.
I'm sorry, I was gonna get a glass of water.
Oh that's okay. You were gonna see it eventually
ha! Yup. There it was.
- Good night, Bobby. - Good night.
See, water.
You're an embarrassment.
- She was naked. - What?
- Naked. - Jesus.
- It was good. - Did she freak out?
No, she was totally cool.
It was like, she was in to it.
Maybe she's an exhibitionist.
This whole roommate thing was a great idea, good job.
I gonna totally have to bone her down.
- That's against house rules. - We didn't make that rule.
Avocados, yes. Respectful moderation, yes. Having sex with her, all good.
I'm sure Jen would agree.
Dick.
You snore.
- Barely. - Like a chainsaw.
Bobby?
Hey...
- Hey, babe. - Hey, Jen.
- Hi, what you doing here? - Is she here?
Oh, no, she's probably still sleeping in Bobby's bed.
I'm sorry, you fucking kidding me?
No, no, she doesn't have a bed.
- Who doesn't have a fucking bed? - I slept in Ray's room, relax.
- It's totally fine. - Sounds fine.
- Morning. - -Hi...
Hi, you must be Bobby's girlfriend.
- Jennifer. - Jennifer.
Yep, this is my girlfriend Jen, this is Chloe.
- Nice to meet you. - Hi, nice to meet you, too.
Your boyfriend is really a gallant gentleman.
He let me sleep in his bed last night, so I wouldn't have to sleep on the couch.
Bobby did that? He was gallant?
- Surprising huh? - Mmm.
Anyway I don't want to take advantage of you so...
I'm gonna buy a bed and a dresser and maybe the market. No avocados.
House rules.
- Nice meeting you. - You too, bye.
Have a good time.
- What? - I've got my eye on you.
Keep your eye on him, I'm the gallant one.
- Gallant one. - Bye, I love you.
Does she smell your intentions the way a dog smells fear?
Mm-hmm.
Can't tell if you're working hard, or hardly working.
Apparently people like what I have to say. I'm somewhat of a...
Celebrity in parts of south east Asia.
It's not really a job, is it?
Knock wood.
Okay, well, you seem involved.
No, what's up?
Nothing, you're busy.
I'm not... that busy.
Well, I was thinking about getting a coffee.
- Bobby's place? - Or not.
You like to live dangerously.
I've never had a best friend like you guys.
No. Not even like, when you were a kid, elementary school, anything like that?
- Military brat. Moved around a lot. - Ah.
- Should we uh... - Yes, thank you.
So how about your parents, where are they?
Um... Louisiana, not really sure.
Mmm. -I haven't talked to them in years.
- Sorry. - It's okay.
So, what next? What happened next?
- What, you want my life story now? - I bored you with mine, so...
Well, bounced around a lot.
Didn't really meld with the military lifestyle.
So when I was old enough, I just backpacked around the world.
That's kind of the upside of living that kind of lifestyle,
you just know someone everywhere.
Met a guy in Bali, an American.
Fell in love, moved to la...
Two good years, two bad years... Now I'm here.
That's my story.
- You got your wish? - I've not.
Make it count. -I get a lot anxiety when I do these things.
So hold on.
- Hi. - Hey, Bobby.
- Hi, Bobby. - You guys look so cozy.
Yeah, alright.
- What the hell is that? - What?
- The coffee cups.
The treasonous coffee cups.
We were on the other side of the town, Bobby.
I'm actually, I'm a little disgusted right now.
It really wasn't very good.
Mmm.
I know what's going on here.
- What do you think is going on here? - Shenanigans, that's what.
There are no shenanigans going on here, Bobby.
I know shenanigans, when I see shenanigans.
You know what, it doesn't matter okay. Because I run a small struggling business,
and you are feeding dollars into a corporate behemoth. -Here it is, uh-huh.
I hope you can sleep tonight through your guilty conscience.
Cool, dude. Yeah, so it's about the coffee isn't it?
That's why you're pissed.
- Fuck you, ray. - Yeah, blow me.
This coffee's delicious by the way.
Why do you care?
Just put a sign that says, "no fucking on this couch".
And then you're good to go.
That's not even the problem.
Oh. Is the problem that you're a little jealous?
No. I'm just saying, if they like each other, I'm glad.
This is just great, I come over here for a little support,
and some physical caring and I get this.
Well you know what, it's your loss. I'm not staying here tonight.
- Babe, where you going? - I'm going out.
And then back to the pleasure dome and then hopefully
I can sleep, through all the fucking and sucking.
It's not that I'm an insecure person or a jealous person,
I just don't like being excluded.
Or deceived, I mean if they're out there getting random coffee,
what the fuck else are they doing?
- Fucking. - Yeah.
Yeah, they probably are. But I shouldn't care right?
Probably not, no.
Well, I don't. I don't care.
It just really pisses me off.
You're not very good at this whole "shoulder to cry on" thing, are you?
I tell you what, I'll make you another drink... -Ah talk to me.
If you shut the fuck up.
Deal.
Mother fuckers.
Jesus! Fuck!
Hi, sorry.
Don't sneak up on me.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
I'm fine. -You seemed really upset earlier.
Yeah, I'm just really sensitive about the coffee thing.
I don't think it was about the coffee.
Oh yeah?
I see the way that you look at me.
Yeah, if you're talking about the other night in the hallway...
my point is that...
I like ray.
And I like you.
What do you mean like? -I mean, I want us to be friends and roommates.
Nothing more.
Yeah, of course, me too.
Good night.
So, how's three's company working out? -Mmm...
It's weird, she's a little weird but she's hot, so I can deal.
I'm very offended you're keeping her from us, I'm dying to meet this chick.
That's not intentional, I'm just trying to figure out
the boundaries of our relationship.
Like for instance, she fully kissed me last night.
What? Wait, did I miss some hanky panky?
- Yep, Bobby kissed Chloe last night. - No no, she kissed me. Come on.
- Where? - In the kitchen.
No I mean like, on the mouth?
- No on my taint, yes on the mouth. - What you boys talking about?
Well allegedly, Bobby and Chloe had a little smooch sesh last night.
What happened, Bobby?
I got home, we were talking. I apologized for being a douche, she was super cool
and just said that she wanted all of us to be friends... And then she kissed me.
- And then what? - And then nothing.
Whoa, dude make something up I wanna jerk off right here.
- You kissed her. - She kissed me.
Why would you do that? -You're not listening to me. She kissed me.
You're hooking up with her anyway
actually no we're not hooking up. Thank you, Bobby. -Oh.
Dude, why you making this awkward for me?
Hmm, it would appear, to the neutral party,
that Chloe is playing both sides of the sausage here.
- Absolutely. - You paint a very vivid picture.
- Vivid. - Thank you.
You're being an asshole, why are you so blase about this whole thing?
Because what's the big deal? I didn't bang her
or plow her or whatever. It was a fairly innocuous slightly lingering kiss.
Bonering it.
And I was telling Smith here because he usually has perspective.
- That's true. - You know what,
you are fucking with me and it's not funny.
Okay I'm being serious now. Look maybe she's just a really kissy person.
Maybe it was totally innocent on her part.
Didn't really feel that way, I'm not trying to bum you out.
You know what? I'm leaving.
- Aww... - Really?
- Great, you fucked up. - Yeah, thank you seriously.
You fucked up ray, -You're breaking your friend's tiny heart.
It's not how you get into heaven, bro.
Think there's a very good reason for all this
I'm not gonna react till I hear her side.
Okay, okay, maybe we should just drop the whole thing I...
I don't wanna be a bad friend here but this is kind of a red flag.
We have to proceed with caution you know, I mean...
While I do like having her around on many levels,
I don't want her to come between... -The fuck is that?
Oh great, just fucking great.
Hey!
Respectful moderation.
Girls, this is Bobby and this is ray.
I just got back from the gym.
- Oh. - Oh, I'm sorry...
that's okay. -I didn't know if anybody was in here.
Do you want some of that?
No. No... oh you don't. Who are you? Oh, my god.
I'm so sorry, I need to take my shirt off 'cause it's so hot in here.
- Can I take a sip of this? - Yeah.
Who are you anyways? What is your name?
- I'm Bobby. - -Bobby?
- That is so funny. - Why is that so funny?
- Get out, I need to use the bathroom. - Okay.
Get out.
Hi.
Hey.
Can you get me a drink?
Yeah, sure. Yeah.
- To us. - To us.
This is so far beyond cool.
Oh, my god, I'm so hammered right now.
- You are so fucking hammered right now. - So are you.
- I'm fine. - No you're fucking hammered
I'm fucking... I'm great.
- Hi. - Hi.
Hello.
We like your friends.
I'm gonna get in the hot tub in the bath tub with some of them.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
You're gonna chicken out.
She just called you a chicken. -I'm not a chicken. You're a chicken.
I'm just saying, you wouldn't know what to do in a situation like that.
Don't insult me.
I'm like a sexual Swiss army knife.
You, me, him.
You would not know what to do.
I'm not saying we should. I'm just saying you would chicken out.
I'll fucking do it right now. You with me, ray?
- Wait, what? - I'm down.
We're fucking doing this.
Don't you touch me, don't you fucking look at me.
Do you understand?
Okay. We got this.
Hmm... so...
So.
Uh, full disclosure.
I've never done this before.
I have seen wild things, so I have a general idea.
Holy shit.
Should we get into bed?
I think that's a great idea.
Waiting on you, ray.
There you go, alright.
Guys, guys. This isn't a laughing matter.
Okay.
- If we're doing this, it's hardcore. - Okay, sorry.
That's okay.
Time out, time out. I'm sorry.
I don't wanna be vulgar here.
But are we doing you together or like, are we taking turns...
Lets just...
- See what happens. - I can do that.
Don't get anything on my hair.
No. No.
Don't take this personally but that was a terrible, terrible mistake.
Yeah.
It's just... think we all need to be adults about this.
I know.
What the fuck is wrong with you people?
- Us? - You specifically.
- Me? - Yeah.
Look we all fucked up here, okay?
Let's just leave it at that. -I was coerced into cheating on my girlfriend
and you called me a chicken.
Leave that, at that.
You weren't coerced into anything.
You were the one leading the parade.
You were too shit faced to remember.
- You spiked my drink. - Fuck you.
She didn't spike our drink, Bobby.
Maybe not yours, but mine.
Don't be a baby, own up. You wanted to fuck me, we got drunk and we fucked.
Don't blame me.
It's your fault and your fault.
It's both of yours.
Really?
- Yeah. - Really dude?
- Fuck you. - Oh yeah? Well fuck you.
You know what, it's fine. I'm sure it's great. -It's mud.
I don't serve mud.
- Oh, Christ. - Oh, Christ is right.
Okay, babe, my phone died and I had a really rough night last night
and I'm sorry.
Okay well, I was actually coming here to say sorry
'cause I wasn't that nice to you yesterday.
You know what, fuck that. I'm not sorry.
You don't have to be sorry about anything.
Yeah that's what I also said, I'm not sorry.
Perfect, then we agree.
Mmm yeah. What the fuck is wrong with you?
Listen, like I said my phone died okay and
I've actually had a rough couple of days, honestly
what... you know what I don't need is you to pile on right now.
I can pile on whenever I want, because I'm the girlfriend and that's that how it works.
And you are acting weird.
Listen, I'm sorry I missed your texts or your phone calls or whatever I...
That's just the best I can offer right now.
You, ray and Chloe have a really weird dynamic going on right now.
No we don't. -Yeah you do. And I'm being left out of your threesome.
We didn't have a threesome.
Yeah, of course you didn't have a threesome,
like I think you and ray fucked Chloe
over a couch, like two of you fucked her.
Figuratively, babe, of course that didn't happen.
But here's the thing, in order to fix the whole thing,
the four of us are going out to dinner, Friday night.
It's gonna be great. If you're living with her I mean, I have to be friends with her.
Babe, you don't need to be friends with her.
I don't even like her that much.
In fact I fucking hate her.
I mean I wanna like her, I just... so dinner, Friday it's gonna be perfect.
With you... Anything is perfect.
Okay. Oh, babe, stop acting like a fucking asshole okay?
Okay love you.
You okay?
I usually don't regret things but this one's pushing it.
Oh yeah.
The only thing I regret
is that it wasn't just you and me.
That probably would've made things a lot easier.
Well, ray, think about it.
We live together, I just got out of a serious relationship.
We just had drunken orgy sex with your best friends
and your other roommate.
So we're off to a great start.
No, not the best start.
I can't have a boyfriend right now.
I know what you're expecting and... I can't do that right now.
You have no idea...
What I'm expecting.
Unlike Bobby,
I can deal with the situation as an adult.
I can't see that this ends well.
Let's just...
Keep whatever this is between us and...
See what happens.
So then my mom says,
"do you think Bobby can tell that I don't like him"
and I'm like, "stop saying that, mom, you like Bobby." She goes, "no I don't".
- How can you not like Bobby. - -I don't know.
This is fun.
I don't usually like Italian food, but this is really good.
Oh that's because, usually Italian food's really heavy.
- Oh is it? - Yeah.
- Oh... - Are you guys dating?
Mmm... no.
You guys are up to something and I can tell.
Whatever it is, you guys, it's really cute.
And if this were a double date, I think we should do it again really soon.
We're not on a double date but we should do this again real soon.
You're full of shit, yes it was.
Babe, they are not dating. Okay?
I mean it's kind of like a double date, right? -Yeah.
- I gotta go. - But...
Yes. -We were having a really good time...
no. I know but I'm just a little bit tired
and to be honest, just a touch nauseous.
The gnocchi is a bit extreme for my delicate constitution. You know about that right?
Mmm... the cure for fun.
That's me...
Well, thank you so much, and there you go.
Wow. -Bye, guys. Sorry for whatever that was.
Good night, Jen.
Wanna tell me what's going on?
What you talking about?
Don't play stupid with me. With you and Chloe, what's going on?
She likes me. I like her.
So you guys are in a relationship now?
Guess you could say we're dating. Sure.
That's great. That's just fucking great.
Got a problem with that, man?
Of course I do, I want her out of the house.
And now you're fucking her.
I know why you want her out of the house, man.
Because she knows things, okay?
And now she's got one over on me and I don't trust her.
And you what? The more I think about it, this whole threesome thing
was just the way for her to get leverage over you and me and it's fucking working.
You are spending way too much time analyzing this. -Am I?
How is it a big deal man, you can have a girlfriend and I can't?
Oh, wow. So, so, she's your girlfriend now?
Maybe down the road, I don't know.
You sound pathetic.
And guess what, I fucked your girlfriend. Deal with that.
You get like this, every time I date a girl that's hotter than Jen.
What the fuck?
- Foul. - Gimme the ball.
- Uh... - Bobby!
- Fuck. - Hey, hey!
Hey hey!
- Gimme the ball. - Goddammit, Bobby.
I want her to stay, and I want you to stay. Stop being so petty.
I'm not being petty. I don't like her for very good reason.
So we're together now, so you gonna have to deal. -Great.
Did you hear that?
What the fuck is going on here?
I feel so fucking stupid.
Oh you should.
Are you trying to do this whole compassionate friend thing?
Cause you really suck at it.
I thought I was doing okay.
- Oh, here comes the she devil. - Hi.
If I'd known you guys were gonna come home so soon I would have...
is that supposed to make me feel better?
If I thought you'd secretly fuck other dudes...
I didn't secretly fuck anyone. I didn't know that I had to be explicit with you,
that I wanted to see other guys, I mean I thought I was pretty strongly implying that
yeah, well this isn't gonna work.
You and me, it's not gonna work.
I understand.
Think you should move out.
Really? Yeah, so does Bobby.
Is that true?
I'm not your girlfriend, right?
I like you, I liked us.
Not just in the last couple of weeks, but since I moved in.
And I was really honest with you about what I wanted.
But clearly you wanted something different.
And this reaction just shows you weren't honest with me.
Okay, so somehow you fucking other dudes is my fault.
Okay house vote.
All in favor of Chloe leaving.
It's democracy.
It's not the ideal system of government but it's the best we've got.
I'm not leaving.
Deal with it.
I can make your life very uncomfortable.
Is that a threat?
That's a promise.
I'm not going anywhere.
Don't worry, I will give her the Bobby treatment.
She'll be out in a week.
Good morning.
Guys, I've a bit of an announcement to make.
I'm turning over a new leaf.
Bob has decided to go au naturel.
I think you should tell your friends, invite them over.
Oh, am I making you uncomfortable?
You're making me very uncomfortable.
Ooh, eggs. Ooh, so delicious.
Thank you.
What are we watching?
Oh, I am just catching up on a little porn. It's pretty extreme.
- So it seems. - Yeah.
You might wanna run along 'cause I'm probably...
I'm probably gonna rub one out.
Oh, I don't care.
Huh?
Go ahead, pull it out.
You're gonna watch me masturbate?
- Mmm? - No.
Yeah, I don't care.
I'm not really in the mood anymore. Excuse me.
Could you grab me the milk?
Here you go.
I meant the almond milk.
Right.
Oh...
Hi. Get the fuck out, I'm taking a shower.
I had to take a shit and Ray's using the other bathroom.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
I ate some really bad Sushi, this is gonna be bad.
- Oh, my god. - Oh, my god.
I really wanna eat her pizza, but you know I can't...
- 'Cause the... - Yeah.
Can you move it?
No, don't even fuck around with that, put it down.
- Mmm... - Put it down.
- Oh mushroom and olives. - Looks delish.
- Should we do this? - Let's do it.
That's disgusting.
Fucking awful.
- We're eating the whole fucking thing. - Fuck it.
It's awful.
Did you guys eat my pizza?
Yep, all of it.
All of it. Both of you?
Yeah it tasted like it was made out of shit.
Cool, have a nice trip.
Bye.
What did she mean by that?
- Your eyes are all fucked up. - Your eyes are all fucked up.
What?
We're shrooming.
- Never shroomed before. - Me neither.
- Do we need a guide? - No, we'll guide each other.
Bitch.
What exactly are we looking for?
Her dildo.
What makes you so sure she actually has any...
Oh... here it is.
Perfect.
Whoa, what you doing?
Habanero dildo.
- Vibrator. - Dildo.
- That's a... That's a vibrator. - Help me out.
Yeah, this is wrong.
Don't be a pussy.
Yeah, that's definitely wrong.
Yeah, so you're saying you would... -I'd punch you.
- Punch me square in the jaw? - Yeah.
Why do I feel...
well, hi, welcome home.
- What did you do? - Nothing.
I'm just sitting here with my buddy ray, about to watch a little TV.
Right, ray? -Yeah no, we're about to watch the big game.
You wanna join us? -You're creeping me out. I'm going to my room.
Suit yourself.
You're a horrible person.
- We are awesome at this game. - Thanks.
- There you go. - I got it.
I was just throwing with my hand.
When my dad comes out of water, but he's a narwhal...
I don't know, what a narwhal is.
It's like a... imagine like a whale and a unicorn.
Nope.
- So you have, imagine like baseball. - Yeah.
- So you have the field. - Yeah.
- And then there's the whole plate right? - Yeah, yeah.
That's the bean.
- Are you... is this my dick or a vagina? - That's a vagina.
I'm lost.
Turns out, wasn't my sister.
She wasn't anyone.
Spicy dildo. Who knew.
Yeah.
Enjoy that.
You motherfucker.
Babe, look. -Don't fucking touch me. Don't.
How can you do this to me?
I was roofied.
You fucking told her?
I told her the truth.
He put hot sauce on your dildo, this is a little extreme don't you think?
He went on to my laptop, found something I made and sent it to my dad.
I assumed that was him, unless it was you.
No.
Fuck.
Yeah.
So gloves are off.
Oh, with fucking ray.
I don't even know how many levels is that fucked up on.
All of them.
I don't know what happened, I swear to you I was drugged.
I fucked up.
I fucked up real bad.
I'm sorry.
Hmm.
You're sorry,
you think sorry can undo this?
I know.
It can't undo this.
But we can fix this.
I'll make it up to you. I promise.
I'll move in with you.
Wow.
I'll tell you what we do, we get a bunch of garbage bags,
we throw her shit in them, we throw her bags out on the street,
and then we toss her out on her ass.
Pretty sure that's assault and battery.
Is that a felony, because I can live with a misdemeanor.
Gotta come up with a better idea.
What you doing?
I'm tracking Jen on her phone.
I installed the app, I can track her every move.
- That is definitely... - Where is she now?
I'm sure she's driving home from work or something. Okay?
Holy shit.
- She's at the bar... - Whoa...
- She's at the fucking bar. - No don't...
Let's go. Come on.
Dammit.
- Bobby, Bobby... - God fucking kidding me.
Oh shit. Bob no...
- No, no way. - How long is it happening?
What are you doing here, with her?
I'm just grabbing a drink.
With a friend.
- With a friend? - Yeah.
So you guys are friends now?
Did you forget that she seduced me and him into that threesome?
Wait, you guys banged her at the same time?
- Yeah. - Oh that's awesome.
Okay, well, she told me the truth.
Which only proves to me that, you're the perverted bastard I always thought you were...
what kind of kinky shit did you do to her?
Can you shut up for one minute, please?
Yeah, she told me about a whole lot of awful stuff you guys did to her.
Yeah seriously, what you guys do?
If you guys do one more mean thing to her,
I'm never gonna talk to you ever again.
You didn't tell me that you guys were serious.
Okay that's a lie, she's fucking lying.
Oh wow, if I was important to you at all...
You are... - ...None of this would have happened in the first place.
- Yeah, that's true. - Thank you.
Okay, I was drunk or drugged or temporarily insane or something okay?
Yeah, you just have to come up with something better than that.
Okay can you shut the fuck up? Please? -Woah, bro.
Don't talk to a girl like that. -What the fuck are you gonna do about it huh?
You're right, he's got some serious anger issues.
I do not have fucking anger issues okay? You're a fucking bitch.
You might have crossed your line mate. -No no.
You fucking bitch. Oh, my god. Okay, okay, okay.
Oh...
Uh... think I'm gonna take off.
Oh shit, Bobby.
I'm so sorry, man, I don't even know what to say.
Are they trying to fucking torture me.
- Don't think they're trying... - What the fuck do I do?
You know what, you don't do anything. Jen's really upset right now,
you just let her get over it. People get over things right?
You will figure out a way to dig yourself out of this hole.
- Just gotta be cool. - Right.
You're right.
Look I will help you fix this, alright? You just..
You gotta promise me one thing,
if anything else happens you just, let it roll off your back.
I could be cool.
- Good, just be cool, man. - Ice cold.
Not cold.
- You don't wanna do that. - Ice water in my veins.
Again I'm just thinking cool just a blanket, gonna go cool on this one.
- Alright? - Yeah?
Good, give me your keys.
- Okay. - That was unnecessary, okay.
Hi...
Good evening.
Um... where's Bobby?
I put Bobby to sleep.
That's good, Bobby's still sleeping?
Wow, what are you guys doing here?
Oh, we're having a sleepover.
That's a really bad idea.
It's okay because, we're...
Not really gonna be doing much sleeping.
- You cannot do this to Bobby, Jen. - I can do whatever I want dude.
Why are you doing this?
Because he did it to me, and then we'll be even.
Okay here's the thing you're not gonna be even, Jen,
you're gonna be further apart.
Raymi, thank you.
I've always really liked you, you're a great guy. But you didn't do anything
to stop this. You participated, remember?
So fuck you, too.
Shit.
I think Chloe and Jennifer are having sex.
What? No way Bobby. They're just watching a movie.
Porno movie.
In surround sound.
Chloe doesn't have surround sound.
- Or a TV for that matter. - -Oh wow.
You sure?
Yeah... I like that.
I know what both of them sound like when they're having sex.
And this is what it sounds like.
I don't know man...
it's okay.
I'm cool. I'm playing it cool.
Great yeah, just be cool.
- Can I borrow your gun? - No please.
No. I need it just for like two minutes.
They
they just finished.
Look, Bob, you just...
Just gotta go to sleep okay?
You're gonna wake up tomorrow and...
It's just gonna be just one...
Really, really horrible, just
terrifying dream that you had. Okay?
Sounds like you two had a wild night, huh?
Be cool, Bobby.
I don't think it's any of your business.
I'm just saying it was a little loud, very vocal.
You know ray here thought it was porno.
And I was like, ray,
I think that Chloe and Jennifer,
you know the one used to be my girlfriend Jennifer,
are having loud lesbian intercourse.
But he thought it was a movie and surround sound. Right, ray?
It was very vigorous, very raw.
You know I've never heard two women pleasure each other
live in person before.
It definitely had an impact on me. It was profound.
It was the unbridled passion of two women,
on a freight train to a destination of a carnal explosion of ecstasy.
Upon reflection, it was savage.
Desperate.
Both selfish and selfless.
Yet beautiful in it's shameless violence.
So I'm gonna go...
Oh, you don't want any toast?
No toast for me today actually, Bobby.
- No problem. Oh, Jen, - Yeah.
Have a great fucking day.
Thinking about it whole day,
- I think we gotta move out. - Common sense.
Such a stranger in these strange times, you know man?
No way, absolutely not.
Maybe you can reconcile with Jen?
Jen's a lesbian now.
- She's a lesbian now? - Oh, that's right.
She fucked Chloe.
Wasn't she a lesbian in college?
Um... I'm sorry, what the fuck did you jut say?
You cannot move out of the house I can't... You know what?
You're right actually, move out. I'll move in.
Look, she's not a lesbian okay. She had an encounter.
We had an encounter, we're not homosexuals. -Whoo...
What? -No no, with Chloe. The three of us.
- I'm getting an erection right now. - Wait,
I'm still trying to figure out what the hell is going on right now.
Smithy, pay attention okay. Apparently there's some kinky shit happening
and I would really like an invitation. Cause I'm down to do whatever.
Literally what the fuck-ever. Clamps, plugs, fire.
Okay, look, I know to an outsider, this seems fucking awesome.
But in reality, on the inside it's a fucking nightmare.
Just so you know, I will not move out. I will not be the one that leaves.
She's saying the same thing, man.
Don't get any ideas, you're in this with me.
What?
Nothing.
You have very judgmental eyes.
A little bit past the judgmental phase, wouldn't you say?
I don't understand you sometimes.
I don't understand you all the time.
We could've had something, ray, I don't know what but something.
Still could.
How could you even say that after everything you've done.
After everything that I've done?
What about everything that you've done?
What about everything that Bobby's done?
I'm not pretending to be a victim here.
I fight fire with fire.
- You should've figured that out by now. - No I...
I definitely figured that out by now.
You're enjoying this, Chloe.
No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are. - What I would enjoy...
Is if you came back to my room with me.
Go to hell. -You don't have to be miserable, ray.
Bobby ruined it for himself. That has nothing to do with us.
We don't have to go down with the ship.
I can be yours and only yours. If that's what you want.
I don't want that anymore.
Fine, fuck you.
Ray, this is Bobby.
I'm gonna go to a bar.
I'm gonna go to that freak bar, the one I've always been too scared to go into.
And I just wanted to let you know
'cause I think you should come out and meet me and we should drink a lot.
Bye.
Can't believe I've never been here before.
Clearly a party.
- I'm into some weird shit. - Sure you are.
No, no, no, I know I look normal but I like to get down.
Multiple partners,
sex toys.
- Girl on girl shit. - You ever cut yourself?
I got stitches once.
You mean on purpose, right?
Yeah, no, I've never done that. Have you?
No.
I just, I wanna get wild. I wanna get dangerous, you know what I mean?
- Not really. - -Bobby, Bobby, Bobby.
- Oh, Jesus! - This is my friend raymi.
He's a freak too. He likes to rub hot sauce on dildos.
- That's fucked up. - Yeah.
- That's fucked up okay? - Bobby?
Ray and I here, we like to party.
Have you ever been drilled by two guys in a coffee shop?
- Okay, Bob. - Wow.
That was a very different reaction than I was expecting.
- Oh. - That's about right.
What you doing here, besides salting my game?
Let's get her out of the house.
- Yes. - Yeah.
- Do you have a plan? - No plan.
Let's just get her shit and throw on the fucking street.
Oh, that's an awesome plan, let's do it. -Alright.
- Nobody gets between you and me. - Nobody. Friends for life.
- For life. - Since we were little kids.
Yes, little children. We we're friends when we were little. Little friends.
Get the fuck out of our house.
- Get the fuck out. - Get out of our house.
- Now. - Yes.
- Hold on. - What?
- I'm gonna puke. - Oh, Jesus, shit shit.
- Oh god. - Hold on. Wait wait.
- Wait wait. - You know what?
- False alarm. I'm all right. - You good?
Nope. -Okay. Here we go. Shit.
Okay, okay. Wait, wait. What is the plan?
Again, Bobby, we don't need a plan.
We're men, she's a woman. We take her and throw the fuck out.
Okay, so we're just gonna carry her out.
- Chloe! - Oh whoa whoa.
Chloe! Chloe get the fuck down here. -Oh.
Okay.
What the fuck do you want?
Get the fuck out of our house.
This is my house, too.
Okay, Chloe, let's not make this difficult, than it already has been.
You need to leave tonight or else...
- Or else what? - Or else...
What the fuck are you gonna do?
Okay, see this is why we needed a plan.
I'm gonna throw your ass on the street, you fucking slut.
The fuck are you doing?
Fuck you.
No...
What's wrong with you?
Dammit.
Stop it Chloe. Chloe stop it.
Dammit, Chloe! Stop!
Chloe, no.
Fuck.
- Ray! What the fuck are you doing? - Stop.
Ugh...
Uh... you guys suck.
What the fuck?
Oh shit. Oh shit. Shit.
- What the fuck? Who the fuck was that? - Steve.
Who the fuck is Steve?
My ex-boyfriend.
He's dead Bob.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, you're not a doctor.
He has a knife in his fucking chest. He is dead.
Shit.
Wait, wa...
this was an accident, okay?
We just need to call 911.
Don't touch anything.
We need to think.
Does anybody know he's here?
Safe to assume that he didn't tell anyone.
Guys, we have to get rid of the body.
This is crazy, Bobby, we can't do that.
Or we'll all go to jail, we've no other options.
We can drive to the forest in about an hour and a half.
Why was that motherfucker in my house?
- Why don't you go ask him? - Guys, Jesus Christ.
If we're gonna do this we have to act fast. Okay?
We gotta get trash bags, and wrap up the body.
Can't do that, man.
I'll do it.
You guys clean yourselves up, put your clothes in a bag. We'll burn them.
Ready? One, two.
Looks good.
Sun'll be up soon, we should go.
Should probably say something, Bobby.
- What, like a prayer? - Sure.
Fuck. Okay...
Dear god,
please don't send us to hell for what we've done.
We're good people.
Who made a mistake.
And we know, thou shall not murder.
And...
We will be good in thine eyes. Whether more.
And may the apostles sing...
Um so... please deliver...
Steve?
Right. Steve.
Please deliver Steve from evil.
- Amen. - Amen.
- Hey. - Hey.
Just wish that...
Me too.
So I guess this is it.
Yep.
- I couldn't take it. - Bobby.
I couldn't take the guilt. We gotta pay our debt to society.
You called the cops on us?
I told it on all of us, I'm sorry.
Babe, you can't keep coming here every few days.
But I've never been so hot for you, since you became a criminal.
Are you okay? Are they treating you okay?
I'm good, I've been lifting.
I can see that.
It's killing me.
I don't know how I'm gonna spend thirty months without you.
Babe, thirty months is for good behavior.
I can't promise you that.
I'll wait for you.
I want you so bad.
Hey, lady!
Take your tits of the glass.
I love you so much.
I know.
Why don't you ever do that for me?
Goodnight, George.
Another present from the chick prison?
Every month. -Don't know why she sends you those things.
Or why you accept them?
- Nostalgia. - Deep.
You know the corner cell's opening up soon.
Really?
- We should get it. - That's a great cell.
It's more room, view of the yard and more private.
- Got to take on a cell mate though. - We can do that.
Just gotta find the right guy.