You know, a lot has changed in my life in the past year.
Suzanne and I got married...
...and her and the kids moved into my apartment.
My very small apartment.
But that ain't all.
I decided to pursue my dream.
So I sold my sports shop and started up a magazine.
You know what it is. A sports magazine.
And these are the moments that I cherish.
When everybody's asleep, I got the whole place to myself...
...and now it's time to get to work.
So, Magic, how was it when you...?
How's your magazine coming?
Come here.
Kevin, what you doing up? Trying to write.
I'm hungry. Do you got Pop-Tarts?
You're always hungry.
And it's, "Do we got Pop-Tarts?" We family now.
So, what's mine is yours, and what's yours is mine.
- Understand? - I understand I want Pop-Tarts.
Thanks, Nick.
Did you take my cellphone?
Mom, Kevin's stealing my stuff again.
Nick, Coco's hungry.
Hey, you guys wanted the dog, you gonna have to feed him.
Coco, breakfast!
- Good morning. - Hey.
How's your writing going this morning?
- Not too good. - Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Nick, there's something we really need to talk about.
Hold that thought. Hey! No! Wait a minute.
No! No! No!
Open this door.
I have to put on my makeup, Nick.
You're too young to wear makeup.
Now, I'm gonna count to three.
One.
Two.
I'm almost 14, Nick. You can't keep treating me like a child.
No, no. You're only 13.
And as your stepfather, I have the God-given right...
...to treat you like a child.
Suzanne, do you see what this girl got on?
I'm not in it.
Okay, okay, I am not dressing like somebody's grandma.
After school, Ashley and I are going to the mall for the Nordstrom sale.
No. No. Veto. That ain't gonna happen.
I don't like that one bit.
You're too young to be hanging out at the mall.
So go get dressed, granny.
Too young for the mall?
You're like a prison guard.
Yeah, well, welcome to Alcatraz.
So, Nick, you know, the Lutskys are moving.
- So? - Well, it's a three-bedroom.
Yeah, it's probably three times as expensive too.
Hey!
Oh, you wanna be treated like a adult? You can't even wrap a piece of pizza.
You said I was a child.
Nick, there's something that we really need to talk about this morning.
I can't talk right now. Look at me. I'm a mess.
Kevin.
Okay. Out. Both you guys. Out.
I got a presentation today with my publisher.
- Let's go. I need to talk to your mother. - You too, Coco. Get out. Go.
This place.
Coco, get down before you knock something over.
And what were you trying to say?
Honey, I'm pregnant.
By who?
So you sold your half of the shop to Marty?
He's gotta be happy about that, huh?
Yeah, he is. But I am too, you know?
I'm starting a new chapter in my life, my man.
I'm launching a magazine.
That's great. You took a risk, and you made it happen.
You got Magic. I'm proud of you.
Whoa, hey!
Who said anything about Magic?
You don't have him?
Officially, no.
But it's looking good. It's looking real good.
Matter of fact, it's looking so good...
...pour me a shot, pour yourself a shot and then pour one for my man Magic.
Let me ask you something, Nick.
If you don't have him, why'd you sell the shop?
I need the money, Jimmy.
It's been cool, but it's kind of hard having Suzanne and the kids...
...just crammed up into my small place.
It's just time to move on up, man.
Plus, I didn't tell you, I'm having a baby.
All right. My man's having a baby.
- Yeah. Yeah. That's right. - Hey, baby.
- Hey, hey, hey. - I thought I'd find you here. Hi, Jimmy.
- How'd it go? - It went great.
Check it out.
Hey.
This baby got two heads.
And four arms and four legs. Nick, we're having twins.
Twins?
- Honey. - Cut off, Nick.
Thanks, Jimmy.
I can't believe you're making us move to the country.
This is like child abuse of the worst kind.
Where's the mall?
What you need a mall for? That's your problem now.
You need to get a little fresh air and open spaces. Try that.
Lindsey, please. Okay? Everybody, just relax.
Yeah, just relax.
Here, sweetie. Have a juice.
- Oh, God- - Kevin!
What's that smell?
Smells like oxygen.
Mom, please tell me you're joking.
- Enough. - I hope it's the right place.
Of course it's not. Our old house is the right house.
This is the place, guys. Come on.
Let's have a positive mental attitude, okay?
Nice floors.
I smell cookies.
Kevin, Kevin, you cannot just walk around these people's house like that.
Oh, this the culprit right here.
God!
Oh, baby. Oh, honey. Okay, cold water. Go. Cold water.
Oh, goodness gracious! What happened in here?
Did you touch the stove? Was it the stove?
I'll tell you what, gonna put Tunisian hemp root on there.
Make it as good as new.
It's true, actually. I'm so sorry about that.
It's fine. He's just being a big baby.
Name's Chuck Mitchell Jr.
I'm the local real-estate guy here in Newburg County and...
You...
I know just exactly who you are.
You're Nick.
There we go.
Note to self, the hand still hurts.
- And the radiant... - Suzanne.
Oh, my G-O-D.
Suzanne's with child.
You old dog, you!
- Oh, well- - Hold up.
It's okay. I'm a part-time midwife.
I actually studied...
...at the Natural Childbirth Center in Lucerne, Switzerland.
They're twins, aren't they?
Yes, they are. How did you know that?
Would you like to know the sexes?
No.
Matter of fact, we wanna keep it a surprise, Chuck.
Oh, fair enough. Isn't that every parent's prerogative?
But if I were you, I wouldn't be in any big hurry to paint the nursery pink.
Oh, gosh. It's just a special time, being in that delivery room.
Right. The man almost fainted when our guppy had babies.
Now, you know that that was a hard delivery for me.
All that cloudy water and then those little things popping out one by one.
Honey?
Babe.
Honey.
Now, the place was built in 1889 by H. Van Hackett himself...
...legendary architect and perfectionist.
I'd like to tell you something right up front:
In all my years in "the business"- And there have been more than a few.
- I have never seen a more sound home.
Structurally speaking.
Wait till you get a load of the second floor.
Baby, do you see this?
- It's okay, we'll fix it. - Did you see this?
Now, she's got five bedrooms and four bathrooms...
...so needless to say, there's plenty of room for the whole fam.
I think we're gonna go ahead and put Mom and Dad in the master bedroom.
- Five bedrooms, right? - Five, baby. You feeling me?
I'm feeling you.
- This big enough for you, baby? - It's beautiful.
And, of course, the master bathroom.
Oh, my God, baby, a claw-foot tub.
- I've always wanted one of these. - Me too.
Pretty awesome, right?
- I like it. - It's beautiful. And the double sinks!
Oh, my God. Baby, look at the shower.
Oh, my God, honey, this is bigger than our entire apartment.
I know.
What's in there, Chuck?
That is a private toilet.
Baby.
- Did you say private? - Yes, sir.
Oh, my God.
How I look?
How do you feel?
I feel good.
Feeling good's good enough.
You be okay in there, Nick?
Just give me one minute.
So, now, Suzanne here tells me that you're in the publishing game?
Oh, yeah, I did sell a magazine to OmniHouse.
An entrepreneur.
A budding William Randolph Hearst right here in our midst.
I don't really know who that is, Chuck, but, hey, I guess so.
Modest too? They broke the mold.
I'll tell you what, Suze, I'd hang on to this one.
Oh, yeah, he's a keeper, Chuck.
Oh, way to stick the landing, Kev-o.
The Hacketts, of course, used this as a guest cottage.
But with just a "scootcharino" of work, it could be easily converted...
...into the perfect creative nook for, you know, a...
A publisher.
You know, I was thinking about writing in that bathroom up there.
Oh, yeah?
- Oh, honey, this is so charming. - This'll work too.
Just for a second, Nick, just for a second, imagine...
Imagine watching a blue-throated hummingbird...
...suckle the nectar from a fresh hydrangea blossom...
...while you free your mind...
...to the creative impulses that have made every publishing empire great.
This is not a dress rehearsal, Nick.
Live the dream, baby, live the dream.
Would you guys like to see a tremendous view?
Would you? Come on. Come on.
- It's the coup de grâce. You'll love it. - Come on, baby.
You're gonna wanna get low coming through this door.
The roof- Think you'll find the roof needs a little bit of work...
...so please be careful.
The property includes an apple orchard.
There's some wild blackberries over here, some cedars.
And I don't even wanna tell you about the view of the lake from here.
Breathe.
Breathe, breathe in that rich, fresh air, Mr. Publisher.
How about it?
Oh, not so incidentally, they just built a brand-new school down the road.
Really?
Newburg is a really amazing place to raise a family.
Oh, it's just so beautiful, Chuck.
Well, you should see it in the middle of the winter...
...with a blanket of snow covering it. It's pretty as a postcard.
Personally, I like to power-walk through these woods.
Never mind the fact that, of course, I used to do the walk competitively.
Really?
Yeah, I was an alternate to the '94 Goodwill Games in Russia.
Like I say, she is a fixer-upper...
...but I happen to know the finest contractor in these parts.
You give that gentleman a call and...
One way to make your life a whole lot easier.
So, now, where do we stand there, Nickster?
I don't know, Chuck.
I'm not really sure if this is the right place for us, you know.
It's a little high-priced and you're a little weird.
Oh, gosh, I actually scheduled a couple back-to-back with you guys.
Larry, Bernice. Hello! Come in. Please, make yourself at home.
- Okay, Chuck. Thanks. - Thank you.
I gotta go.
So, what you think?
I don't know. I don't know. Can we really afford this house?
Of course.
Baby, with the advance, plus the money we saved on rent...
...we can buy this place two times over.
And have money to fix it up.
And guess what.
I can do the fixing.
I can barely get you to change a light bulb at the apartment.
So what? Look, look. Take a look at this.
- A house is like a painting. - Yeah.
You can't really buy with your head, you gotta buy with your heart.
Yeah, honey, but we have to think with our heads right now.
We gotta think about the kids.
We gotta think about it's the middle of the school year...
...Lindsey has her friends and she just met that nice boy in her math class.
There's plenty of stuff around here for Lindsey to do...
...that have nothing to do with boys.
And Kevin, this is perfect!
Look at the nature. Look at the wilderness.
We got a blueberry tree, baby.
Are we talking about the same kid? Kevin doesn't go outside for recess.
That's why he needs a place like this, to toughen him up.
Plus, I can take him fishing.
Who's going fishing?
- Me. - You fish?
Oh, I can fish, baby.
Oh, when's the last time you went fishing?
Last time- Matter of fact, it was before I met you...
...last time I went fishing.
And...
I don't know how to fish, but I can learn.
And then I could teach him, and we can bond.
- "We can bond. " - We'll become a true family.
- "A true family. " - Picture it.
What you think?
I think there are a lot of rooms in this house...
...that are gonna need breaking in.
Oh, yeah? Well, what about the roof?
The roof isn't a bad place to start.
Well, come over here, drop it like it's hot, girl.
Baby!
We'll take it.
Good boy.
- Where'd she go? - She was just... I don't know.
There.
What you doing?
Stop! Coco, stop!
Help!
Hey, honey, do you know how this garbage disposal works?
Because I've tried every single one of these switches.
What about this one?
See? Everything is working out just like I promised, huh?
I can fix that.
Oh, you can fix that?
Hey, I hope we're not disturbing you. I'm Mr. Rooney, this is Mrs. Rooney.
Oh, so formal. Please, call me Mrs. Rooney.
We wanted to be the first to welcome you.
Oh, we sure did.
We are the first, aren't we?
You're the first.
Yes.
- That looks gross. - Kevin.
That fish put this town on the map.
Oh, yeah. Sturgeon tastes a lot like chicken, only fishy.
- Nice. - I think you're gonna enjoy it.
And even if you don't, it's dead.
Did you wanna come inside for something to drink?
Oh, that's so sweet.
But we don't really drink so early in the day around these parts, but-
- Right. No. - No, no, I meant, like, just a lemonade.
Boy, get them fish.
Thank you. Close the door.
- Welcome. - For you.
Tastes like chicken.
Sturgeon, right? Give me the fish, man.
Y'all get out of here before I call the cops.
Hey, Nick. I can't find Coco anywhere.
Give me that.
Don't worry about Coco, he'll show up sooner or later.
There's a lot of trees to pee on out there.
What you want me to do?
Coco!
Where's that dog?
Maybe we should go back. It's kind of scary out here.
Scary? Boy, it's beautiful out here.
Look, you with the man. I was the man in the city, and I'm the man out here.
Trust me, when you're with me, there's nothing to be scared of.
But that.
Run! Go! Go!
Can you hear me now?
Hello? Can you hear me now?
Off the phone, please. Here we are.
Oh, look at this.
- That's nice. - Yeah.
And look at us. One big, happy family.
Yes, one big, happy family.
Lindsey, would you like to give thanks?
Why, are we going home?
This is our home.
Our real home, Mom.
Where my friends are. Where I can get cellphone reception.
Lindsey, put away the phone, please.
Kevin?
- I don't like this fish. - Me neither.
But we're gonna be eating this every day for the next six months...
...so get used to it.
Now, Lindsey. Grace.
Dear Lord, thank you for all the blessings that you gave us.
Before they were taken away.
Like my friends, cellphone reception-
Time-out, I got this.
Please, honey.
Oh, patient and heavenly Father...
...who's probably 10 times more patient and heavenly...
...than any stepfather should have to be-
Baby.
- we give thanks.
I know at times it seems like...
...we're nothing but a bunch of back-talking sass mouths...
...who don't know when we got it good in a nice, beautiful home.
At least the table's strong.
I can fix that.
Honey, I think you should just call the contractor.
Suzanne, the electrical parts alone is a 30 percent markup.
And a contractor?
You're talking about 125 bucks a hour.
Now do you want the number?
Contractor's here!
Coco! Oh, Coco.
Coco, sit.
How did you do that?
That's German. It's the language of discipline.
I was fortunate a couple of years back to spend some time...
...and study with the friars of New Skete.
Nick!
I found Coco by the highway, but it's no problem...
- ... because he had his tags on. - Chuck, what you doing here?
I got a message down at the office that you were looking for a contractor?
But you're the local real-estate guy.
Yes, I am.
And I'm also the local contractor.
Do you love it?
- What's that smell? - Fifty pounds of fish.
Do you know the power went out last night?
On it.
What you mean, "ruh-roh"?
Nick, when exactly did you buy this home?
Are you serious?
You know exactly when I bought this dump...
...because you the one sold it to us.
And that's what makes it so very unpleasant for me...
...to have to tell you that your home's electrical system is shot.
All right, all right, all right. Flag on the play.
Why didn't you tell us this when you showed us the house?
Nick, in all fairness, I did have my Realtor's cap on.
You know, might remember that great blue blazer and the khakis.
My contractor's hat was safely at home in the closet.
They're two distinctly different chapeaus...
...but they should have told you when you had the place inspected.
How's it going, guys?
Nick didn't have this dump inspected.
I had it inspected. It was inspected.
It was just inspected by me.
Honey, how could you not hire an inspector?
We talked about this. How could you be so irresponsible?
I trusted you on this.
- Don't blame me, it's his fault. - Well, how is it Chuck's fault?
He lied!
No, he didn't. You was just too cheap to hire an inspector.
That's besides the point.
They're kicking, aren't they?
Feels like they're playing soccer.
You okay?
They say that the move was very traumatic for them...
...and that you shouldn't sleep on your right side.
How do you know, Chuck?
I'm a baby whisperer.
A baby what?
Also, they'd love it if you could lay off the Indian food. Curry is a no-no.
Oh, brother.
Unfortunately, you gotta upgrade the main panel and pull all the wires.
That just sound like a bigger job.
Oh, crap.
You got raccoons.
Oh, yeah. Raccoons that like Corn Nuts.
Word to the wise, careful with those raccoons. They're vicious.
Hey, hey, Chuck.
When it comes to this electrical stuff...
How much this gonna cost me?
Oh, gosh, I don't know. A home this size...
...you're looking at 8, 9.
- Hundred? - Thousand.
Get off my property.
I might fixed.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Perfect. That's what I'm talking about.
I'm professional.
Thanks. Appreciate it, Serge.
Come again.
Did you see that? Look and learn, little girl. 150 bucks. Painless.
Are you sure it's safe?
Of course it's safe.
He said all we gotta do...
...is not use the microwave and the toaster at the same time.
That's just common sense.
Eight thousand dollars.
I knew that dude Chuck was a crook the minute I met him.
Oh, honey, I think you're a little bit stressed out...
...with the move and everything and, you know...
...there's one thing that we haven't been able to do...
...in this big old drafty mansion.
Insulation. That'll be perfect.
If we do that, we'll save a lot of money on heating bills.
Baby, I was actually thinking of something else we could do...
...to stay nice and warm.
Oh, I know what you're thinking.
Honey, what was that?
The raccoon.
- He's on the roof? - Yeah.
You gotta show him who's boss.
If you don't do that, you'll never get rid of him.
Baby, but Chuck says they're vicious.
Yeah, if you're a baby whisperer.
But me, I'm the man.
You are the man.
- You got my back? - I got your back.
Watch this.
Is that my Corn Nuts?
You should know not to mess with a man's nuts.
Be prepared to pay the ultimate price.
Honey. Honey, what are you doing out there?
Step back, baby.
What you wanna do?
Look, he ain't even running.
He think he bad. You think you bad?
I've dealt with rats in the city bigger than you, boy.
Kids, go to bed. I got this.
- Baby! - I got him!
Did I get him?
- No. - No.
Sucker.
Nicholas J. Persons?
- Chuck? - Charles Mitchell. City inspector.
We got a problem. Let's go.
What's with the badge, Chuck?
Look, I don't have time for none of this, okay? So make it quick.
Sir, you can't just go around tapping into other people's power supplies.
It's dangerous, it's against the law...
...and quite frankly, Mr. Persons, it's rude.
What are you talking about?
I'm gonna go ahead and guess...
...that that work wasn't done by a licensed contractor.
You know, I didn't even know they was gonna leave it like that.
You went ahead and availed yourself to the cheap, unskilled labor pool...
...that congregates outside the hardware store?
I know. Tell you what I'm gonna do.
For reference, I'm gonna provide you with a list...
...of all the licensed, bonded contractors...
...we have here in the local vicinity.
I am also going to fine you $1000 for breaking the law.
What? A thousand bucks?
If you knew what you were doing...
...you'd be facing jail time, so consider yourself lucky.
We're shutting your power down till further notice.
What am I supposed to do? Build a windmill?
Well, that's not a bad idea, so long as you contact the city zoning officer first.
Quality guy. Would you like his card?
- No. - I'm out of here.
Hey, wait a minute, Chuck. Chuck, come on, man. It's me. Nick.
Help me get my power back on.
I'm the city inspector, Mr. Persons.
Restoring power's a little beyond my purview.
Okay, I know what this is. And I seen this one before. What's it gonna take?
You realize if I accepted that, I'd have to arrest myself on the spot...
...and I'm not that guy.
But you're a contractor.
But I'm not wearing that hat right now.
Well, you can put it on.
It's your lucky day. It happens to be in the car.
Oh, God. Oh, what, they shut you down?
The heartless bureaucrats. They're the worst.
Can you help me?
Well, restoring power's not as easy as it sounds.
It just might take a couple days.
A couple of days? Man, I'm trying to launch a magazine.
All right? What am I supposed to do without a computer?
We're gonna get your power back on.
It's not even gonna be an issue.
Trust me.
Here you go, honey.
Your sandwich.
- What? - Okay.
- Hey, Suzanne. - Hey, Chuck. Come on in.
What smells good? Are those sandwiches?
Oh, yeah, sturgeon salad. Would you like one?
- I hate to impose. - Oh, no, Chuck, anything for you.
Hey, hey, hey, man. What's with all the racket? I'm trying to work.
We had to saw off the breaker box. I'd like some mustard on there.
I'm a big mustard guy.
But you should be good now. We'll have you up and running in a jiff.
That's Magic Johnson. That's my guy. That's my main man.
Did I tell you I was on the '86 Lakers?
- No. - Yes, indeedy, sweetie.
I had 38 seconds of playing time.
It was game two of the final and "Big Game" James...
...went down with a bad wheel, so we're up by 20 and they put me in.
Check it out, Nicker.
Get ahold of the purple and gold.
That's commitment, right?
When you do talk to the Magic Man, tell him Chuck-dog said:
"Holler. That's what's up. "
- "Holler. " - Thank you so much.
Anyway, the good news is we're getting the power up and running.
The bad news is you got dry rot.
Dry what?
Can I tell you something? This is the most incredible sandwich.
You know your way around a sturgeon.
Wait, wait, wait a minute. Back to the dry rot.
How big is this?
Well, it could be considerable, but y'all don't worry about a thing.
I know the best dry-rot guys in Newburg County.
How's the guy situation out there?
Nothing at all. No cuties, no nothing.
Girl, I feel sorry for you.
- I didn't wanna move here. - I don't blame you.
Push. Push.
You should try and get back here somehow.
At least there are boys here.
Are you still there? Linds? Hello?
Hello? Are you there?
Yeah. I gotta go.
Yup. You got the rot, brah.
- How you know? - Nick.
- What? - He's not aware.
Nick, the Pulu family has been in the dry-rot business for three generations.
Hawaiians know the dry rot better than the rest of us...
...because the island is so darn wet.
Well, then why do they call it dry rot?
That's a misnomer. Listen carefully.
Billy and George here, they're highly skilled craftsmen...
...very much in demand, but Danny, gosh, he's got a gift.
He's an artist, and if he says you've got the rot, you've got the rot, brah.
Okay, say I got "the rot," brah. I mean, can't we live with it?
Can you live with a wood-rotting fungi that colonizes and spreads...
...to every timber in your home, leading to a mold...
...which can produce airborne pathogens...
...that might infect every member of your family...
...causing conjunctivitis, hypersensitivity pneumonitis...
...and I'm not gonna lie to you here...
...allergic bronchopulmonary aspergillosis.
Oh, yeah. No problem.
No.
I think they should fix it now.
You know, that is, because we don't want it to spread and kill us all, right?
Don't you got clothes to go put on or something?
- Ma. - Go.
Right here, right here.
All right, how much is it gonna cost me?
- Tough to predict. - It's like that.
Do what you gotta do, all right? Do what you gotta do.
But you gotta put on these...
...because you're kind of fat and I don't want you scuffing up my floors.
Don't be a hick, Nick.
These guys are professionals.
Nice bootie.
- Talking about this. - Give it up.
Yes, ma'am. I understand you guys need all the questions.
I have them right here in front of me...
...but I'm in the process of relocating offices...
Maybe I can fax them to you later on today?
Or tomorrow, the next day, or the day after that.
- As long as we make our deadline. - Okay, thanks. Tell Magic I said hey.
- Will do. - All right.
- Goodbye. - Bye-bye.
Peek-a-brah.
What up, man?
Sorry to interrupt, Mr. P. We just need you to look...
...sign off on phase one of the dry-rot repair.
Oh, okay. No problem.
Nice. Georgie, go long!
No, no, no. Georgie, you don't have to go long.
I'll just meet y'all out front.
So how many phases is it?
Just two.
So you guys are halfway through.
Oh, man, that's painless.
What is this?
Phase one.
Phase one?
Hey, Nickeroo.
You.
Where you been, man?
Suzanne was feeling tired, so I picked up Kev-o...
...and shot some hoop.
What is wrong with you?
Man, you know this boy got asthma. He can't shoot no hoops.
He cured it, just like that. With something called the go...?
Goji berries.
- Listen. - Check it out.
Inhale love.
Exhale inclusion.
It's a little trick I picked up during a fast with His Holiness in Dharamsala.
And finish.
Yeah, well, His Holiness doesn't have to deal with his mother.
You keep your inhaler.
It was no bother.
We had to stop at Fred's hardware store...
...to pick up a new tankless water heater. Your old one's shot.
Oh, so now you going out and buying things without even asking me first.
I don't know what to tell you. It's a tankless job.
- I did not- - Yes, he did.
- Good one, Chuck. - Good one, Chuck.
Oh, what a great kid. Holy moly, does he have a terrific jump shot.
Honest to goodness, if he grows another six feet...
...he's gonna be unstoppable.
Hey, Nick. Look what Chuck got me.
- Isn't it awesome? - Oh, yeah.
- Wait. Give me that. - Fire! Fire! Fire!
Give me this.
What'd be awesome is if you was here...
...to keep these linebackers from tearing up my house.
Dry rot is a tricky thing.
You never really know how much damage there is...
Till you get into it.
It's like I always say, it's gonna get ugly before it gets pretty.
Let me tell you something. We're gonna get your walls back up...
...and your home is gonna be stronger for it.
It better be. If not, I'm holding you personally responsible.
So I want you to be the one to keep your eye on this whole project.
A very close eye. Do you understand me?
Close eyes.
I hear you loud and clear...
...Nickeroo.
With the gun. What are you doing?
And put on some booties.
It's Sunday morning, Nick. Isn't it so nice to have the house to ourselves?
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
What? What is this?
Hey, hey, hey.
- What's up, Nick? - What you doing?
You said keep a close eye on the project.
So you going camping?
That's crazy talk. I'm moving in.
Chuck, what about your wife? Doesn't she want you home?
I don't even want him home. I know she don't.
Don't worry about the missus. Ellie's on tour over in China for three months.
Three months?
Yeah. She's a country singer.
You wouldn't believe the way the Chinese love their country music.
But this ain't gonna take three months.
You're right. Could take longer.
But don't worry about me. You won't even know I'm here.
What do you say? Let's get out there before the sun gets too hot.
- Get out where? - Chuck's taking us fishing.
The sturgeon are running. It's gonna be fantastic.
- You wanna come? - Oh, Chuck, that is a great idea.
No, no, I can't go fishing. That's a bad idea.
- Why? - I got too much work to do.
I gotta set traps in case that raccoon comes back.
You know those are vicious animals, baby.
Oh, come on, Nick. The water's not that deep.
I don't care about that.
Wait a minute, Nick, are you afraid of the water?
- Honey. - No. That's ridiculous.
By "no" he means yes, and by "ridiculous" he means terrified.
And he did promise that he'd teach Kevin how to fish.
Okay. All right. Fine. I'll go fishing.
Fine.
- Yes! - Thanks, Chuck.
- Yes! - Don't mention it.
I hate this. I'm gonna let y'all know right now, I hate this.
- Come on. - You know what? I-
I think I just swallowed a bug.
Y'all see that?
Stop messing around, Nick. Come on.
For real, I think we need a bigger boat. I'm not playing.
No, come on. Just take your rod...
...and cast away.
Don't tell me nothing about fishing, okay?
I was the king of Go Fish in my neighborhood.
This shouldn't be hard, just-
I saw a shark down there.
Oh, Nick, nice barrel roll. Just real nice.
That's it. I'm gone. I'm gone.
- Hey, Nick? - What?
I'd be careful.
Don't worry about me, I'm on land now. I got this.
Help!
Help. Somebody.
I gotta fire Chuck.
Why, because he made you go fishing?
No, because he's tearing up our house.
Well, it's gonna get ugly before it gets pretty, Nick.
Don't you start quoting him like he's some kind of oracle...
...because he's not. He's an idiot.
He's sweet.
What?
Nothing.
Oh, Nick, I know, I know. This has been so hard for everybody...
...with this house, and you're used to being a bachelor...
...and now you've got me and the kids and the responsibilities of this house.
I know you're under a lot of pressure, honey.
Oh, my goodness. Come here. Feel this.
Touch it, right here.
Do you feel him?
What is that, his butt?
I think so.
Isn't that the coolest thing?
Did you hear that?
- Boy. - Did you hear that?
- Honey, is that the raccoon? - No.
Raccoon made a scuffling sound. That was more like a rustle.
I think it's in the chimney.
I guess I showed him.
Yeah.
- Yeah. - Yeah, baby.
That's right. You might wanna close that flue, though.
Leave me alone, man. Get back.
Looks like we better put a cap on that chimney.
These guys will drive you batty.
Night, neighbor.
I'm sick of you.
Chuck!
What?
- Hey, Chuck. - Yeah?
What's going on with my glass door?
Frame rotted. Ripped it out, ordered a new one.
Triple-pane xenon-filled. Pricey, yes...
...but it'll probably pay for itself in 15, 20 years max.
What's going on? I need the water back.
I'm guessing you didn't get the memo.
I posted it on the fridge late last night. "Water off, 8 a. m. sharp. "
And I don't want you to spiral into a worry tizzy about the H20.
It turns out your water is pure as driven snow.
It's the pipes that are the problem. They're completely corroded.
You wanna show him?
I pulled this disgusting piece of pipe from under your house.
Can you see through that?
Yeah, I didn't think so.
If that was your artery, you'd be dead by now.
Or one side of your body would be, like, totally paralyzed.
Show him just exactly what you plan to replace it with.
This is 1-inch copper piping.
I'm gonna use this for the verticals, half-inch for the horizontals.
Your water pressure's gonna be hovering at around 150 psi...
...give or take a psi.
Is that good?
That is insane.
Insane, huh? Insane sounds expensive.
Hey, Chuck, I like this guy.
- He's the best. The best. - He's funny.
All right, fellas, let's go lay some pipe.
Come on, fellas, this way. Through the bedroom.
So Chuck thinks we should try the Bradley Method.
What's the Bradley Method?
It's natural childbirth.
You know what else he was telling me?
We should actually consider a home birth.
Home birth? With doctors coming all in the house and stuff?
- Yeah. - I'm not sure.
Okay. Well, you know, we could always have a midwife.
You mean Chuck?
He studied in Switzerland.
- So? - What do you mean, "so"?
I don't want him coming nowhere near you.
The thought of Chuck just makes my stomach hurt.
All right. Well, I guess we'll just have to talk about it later.
Good night.
- Chuck. - Nick.
Chuck.
Hey there, little buddy.
Chuck making your stomach hurt too?
Yeah, go ahead, help yourself. It's okay.
You seem like a nice guy.
Come to me.
Hey there, little buddy.
You wanna be my friend, don't you?
Well, truth be told, I need a-
Where is she?
She went to a party at Danny's house.
Dry-rot Danny?
Thanks for picking me up, man.
I remember sneaking out of my bedroom when I was that age.
Sweet, stolen kisses in the night.
- Sometimes more than kisses, right? - Wrong.
- Right? Right? - Wrong. Wrong.
Whatever they're doing, I'm sure it's perfectly innocent.
For goodness' sake, she's almost grown up. She's 15.
She's only 13. Practically a baby, man.
I really don't wanna have this conversation with you.
Enough of this.
Easy there, partner. That's my wife.
- That's your wife? - Yeah.
- This is your wife? - Right there.
I love the way your family treats you like an adult.
Ever since Mom married Nick, I've been treated like a kid.
Well, you're way too grown-up and pretty for that.
- Lindsey. - Nick?
You're busted. Now, get up, because you're grounded.
And you, you fired.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, brah. Hang loose.
Brah. You fired too. And your little brother. So hang loose with that, brah.
I hate you.
Well, I'm not exactly your biggest fan right now either. Go wait in the car.
Chuck, let's go.
Chuck!
Oh, Nick.
That was quite a night last night, huh, Nick?
Hey, Linds-o.
Good morning, Lindsey.
Lindsey. Good morning.
Good morning.
Looks like she's still mad at you.
Yeah, well, this ain't a popularity contest.
Nick?
Chuck! Come here, man.
Need a hug?
No, I don't need a hug. I need my floors back.
It's termites, Nick. Straight up had to go.
Want that hug now?
I'm getting tired of this.
You have one message.
Mr. Persons, love the magazine idea.
But you are one month late with the cover.
I've stalled the board as long as I can.
Now it's my job on the line.
So, Nick, if you can't get Magic, we'll have to move on.
Of course, that means refunding your substantial cash advance.
I know you understand.
Thanks, doll. Call me.
And, wives, let's inhale, taking in another deep breath.
And give it away on sound.
There we are. And wives are now completely relaxed.
What's going on here?
Nick.
We're doing a sympathetic breathing and birth-
Shut up.
I can't believe you're doing this with him.
I can't believe you forgot about our class.
Inhaling and staying in the exercise.
I'm trying to fix our house, which is supposed to be Chuck's job.
Don't blame Chuck. He's helping me right now.
Big breath. Big breath.
By rubbing all on you?
No, Nick, by supporting me.
I support you.
I support her.
I'm just trying to build our dream house for us and the kids, that's all.
Y'all just get back to relaxing. Rub on the belly or something.
You know, one of our mantras, Nick, is that coupling is participation.
I know.
What we're gonna do now is take our hand...
...and go in a circular motion around and around...
That's the baby's house, be very gentle. Around.
This may not be the best time to tell you...
...your house needs a new foundation.
Don't let that interrupt the flow.
- That's it! That's it! - Nick!
Come on, Nick.
Somebody's having a bad day. Now, be careful with that.
That is New England mahogany trim! I bent over backwards to get it for you.
- What is up, Nick? - This is what's up.
- You played me! - No.
You knew this was a piece of junk the minute you sold it to me.
I knew the minute I met you...
...that this home was meant for you! You just needed a little push.
Well, here's my push.
I should warn you, Nick.
I am trained in capoeira, the Brazilian dance of war.
Yeah, I don't know karate, but I know crazy.
Oh, Nick!
No!
That was a close one. Once it gets going, man, is it hard to stop.
Get off me. You are fired!
What? Nick. Nickelback. Come on, you can't blame me for all this.
No. I can. And I will. And I do!
I blame you for everything, Chuck. It's all your fault.
I'm blaming you for the ozone layer, global warming, the price on gas.
It's all your fault.
So get off my property, get out my face and get out my life.
No, no, no, Nick. The good news here is that all we need is some therapy.
Nick, we can work our way through this, and guess what.
I'm a licensed couples therapist. I am.
I see this tension happening between contractors and clients...
...all the time.
It's the bread and butter of my practice.
But just admit this one thing to me. One thing.
What?
You never would've bought this place if it hadn't been for me.
Exactly.
Why is that? I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why that is.
Because I knew what you didn't.
Yes, I knew there was more work to be done here.
But I also knew the value of this place.
I knew that when you were done...
...that this was gonna be a home for your family...
...not some stinking house. I got them up to here, they're a dime a dozen.
But a home, a home, Nick.
This is it.
Your home.
Does this look like a home to you?
This is a mess!
I need you out of here, right now.
Well, if you-
If you can't see the value of a home as opposed to a house...
...maybe I'm not your guy.
Where y'all going?
It's called loyalty, Mr. Persons.
We work for Chuck. And if he goes, we go.
Well, then go.
I don't need none of you. I can do it myself.
I don't know what you were thinking, Nick.
You're gonna have to realize that we're gonna have to hire Chuck back.
What? Oh, no, no. That's never gonna happen, all right?
Nobody takes me for a ride...
...so he's never stepping foot in this house again.
Chuck is caring, and he cares about this family.
What he needs to do is move back with his own family.
It's not normal for a contractor to live with his clients, Suzanne.
I understand that, but it's been fun having him around, Nick...
...and he's great with the kids.
No, he's not. He's the one tearing this family apart, that's what he's doing.
He's the one tearing this family apart?
You're the one tearing this family apart, Nick.
- Me? - Yes, you.
With your insane obsession with this house.
You don't have to worry about that anymore.
Got the perfect idea.
This house is driving everybody crazy...
...so I say we just move on and cut our losses.
Oh, and where are we gonna go, Nick, to your condo?
Anywhere but here.
Nick. Nick. We cannot keep uprooting our family like this.
Who was the one crying that we needed a bigger place?
All right? Now, I wouldn't be stuck with this dump...
...if it wasn't for you and these ungrateful kids.
Nick.
Suzanne, I didn't mean that. Come-
- Hold on. I didn't mean that. - No. No. Don't touch me right now.
I'm just under so much pressure.
And I'm not under pressure?
I'm the one who's having babies that I'm not even sure you want.
I really think you're overreacting.
I think we need to spend some time apart, Nick.
Come on, now.
When we first got here, these kids were not happy about being here...
...but now they're vested in this.
So, what are we gonna do? Just take that all away because it's difficult?
Is that the thing you wanna teach Kevin?
That when the going gets tough, you just quit?
You should try putting that on the cover of your magazine.
Look at you. I mean, you quitting on me right now.
I am not quitting, I just need time to think.
Suzanne.
Where you gonna go?
Oh, not you guys too?
Just cutting our losses.
Kevin, I know you understand.
Not now, Nick, I'm busy.
Well, you're gonna thank me when we out of here.
You city kids and you know it.
Coco, get in the house.
I said, get in the house, you ignorant mutt.
Coco!
Coco.
I'm sorry.
What you doing?
Jason Winchell caught an 8-pound bass and brought it to school.
Well, actually, just the head.
But it was so big, you could fit your whole hand in its mouth.
Chuck was supposed to take me fishing.
That is, until you fired him.
You know what? Why don't we just go now?
Really?
Come on. Let's try it.
Hey. I know it's been kind of hard, making the move and all.
And I haven't actually been around.
Well, I've been around, but I haven't been around, around.
Know what I mean?
- Yeah. - Well...
...I'm here to let you know that all that's gonna change.
Because FYI...
...I think you're a cool son.
Thanks.
And you're a cool dad.
Kevin!
What was that?
I don't know. But he messed with the wrong kid.
Get him, Nick!
I got him! Stay back!
Yeah! You tell Jason Winchell that the fish he caught...
...wasn't nothing but bait, baby! Yeah!
Hey, hey. Hold up.
Forgetting something.
Lunch money.
Thanks. Bye.
- How's your mother? - She's fine.
You're not gonna have a heart attack out here, are you?
If I do, just pull my body behind the shed.
My pleasure.
Lindsey.
I know you're still mad at me, but I'm trying to get it right.
It's a new family, a new house. It's all new to me.
But I'll try to be more understanding.
Okay, okay, okay. I probably should've handled the party a little differently.
I'm sorry, Nick. I should've asked you.
Does this mean I can see Danny again?
Don't push it.
Go ahead and make your bus.
- Good morning, Mr. Rooney. - Hey, hi, sweetie.
Hey. This is for you. Thought maybe you could use this.
How's the house coming?
It's coming.
Hey, how is Chuck doing?
Don't know and don't care.
Boy, I hope he's okay. This is a tough time of year for him.
Oh, yeah? Why's that?
His wife. He lost his wife a few years back around this time of year.
You didn't know, did you?
Oh, yeah, she was really something special.
He's never been the same since.
She was his entire world.
- Hey, man. - Hey.
I heard about Ellie.
Come in.
Hey, I got a little organic herbal maté going here.
Thanks.
- Can I tell you something? - Yeah, shoot.
When I was working on your home with you...
...to me...
...it felt like family.
It felt like the special stuff, you know? The stuff you hang on to.
Stuff that's gone missing around here for quite some time.
It's funny, I...
I can't even go inside anymore.
Look, Nick...
...I know I screwed your life up.
And I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, you got no idea.
You didn't screw my life up.
I did.
And you'll always be a part of my family.
I actually came over here to make sure you was okay.
I was so upset about how things were going over at your place, I just...
I went ahead and let Magic know that you really, really need to speak to him.
Man, that's great. That's great, man. I really need it.
While I was at it, I also happened to have put my Realtor's cap on...
...and I made a couple of phone calls.
I got a Russian banker coming out here next Friday.
Just might be very motivated.
If you get the roof up on that place, you might be able to flip it.
Get out from underneath the whole thing.
Well, let me get the roof on.
Do you have a nail gun with the air compressor? The whole unit?
No. I'm old-school with it.
Oh, you're doing it old-school between now and next Friday?
Maybe just borrow mine. That'd be good.
Thanks, Chuck. Thanks for everything.
You got it.
You can ground me later, but right now, you need help.
Mr. P, the little Pulu has something to tell you.
I'm sorry about the party.
I should have never taken Lindsey without asking you.
You got that right.
And if it's all right with you...
...me and my brothers would really like to finish this job.
Hey, fellas! I got some great news. Tremendous news.
We are not just working on a house anymore.
From now on, we're committing to finishing a home.
You heard it, baby. We're gonna finish Nick's home.
Check that for dry rot.
You. I'm so darn proud of you right now.
You're making me feel a little "Nickeladocious," I'm not gonna lie.
I just wanna give you a hug on your Nickelback, my old "Nickabocker. "
My Nick at Nite.
Enough!
Well, you caught me just in the "Nick o' time. "
Is it a blessing or a curse?
Go ahead, try it.
Let's go. Hey, hey, hey.
- Suzanne. - Nick.
Now, before you say anything, I need to get this out, okay?
- Okay. - Now, you was right, and I was a fool.
The house is just a house...
...and it'd never be a home without you and the kids and-
- Yes, baby, I get it. - I'm almost finished.
Would you please consider forgiving me and coming back home?
Babies.
Babies? You know, we can work on that once you drop those two.
I don't think it's a good idea to-
- Babies. - Babies?
- Babies, Nick! - Oh, babies!
Okay. Let me get you to the car. Come on. Come on.
- Honey, how far is the hospital? - About a half-hour.
Nick, we can't wait that long!
We gotta. That's where the doctors and nurses and all the equipment-
- You're hurting my hand now. - Honey, it is happening now!
- Now? - Now!
Okay, kids, get them bags in the house.
Look, your mom about to have what she always wanted, a home birth.
Oh, Nick. I love the floors. Teak?
Oh, no. That's bubinga.
Nick, slow it down. I'm hot, honey. I'm hot. Get it off.
Well, what now?
I don't know. I thought you knew.
What you trying to say, baby?
Chuck!
Chuck? I'll go this way! I'll go this way!
Oh, Nick, I'm gonna kill you.
- For what? - You did this to me.
Hello? Nickster, how we-?
You what?
Okay. Keep this line open. Chuck is in the truck.
Oh, come on!
Okay.
Baby, is he on his way?
That was him. He's on his way. Don't worry.
- Everything gonna be fine. - Are you sure?
Go wait for Chuck downstairs.
Hello? Nick? Chuck had a little trouble with the truck.
But don't worry, I'm on my way.
Man, just tell me what to do.
Okay, now, tell Suzanne to stay calm, and to breathe.
Okay, you got to stay calm and breathe.
- I'm breathing. - She's breathing.
Now tell her to relax.
Maybe do the color imaging we worked so very hard on.
Baby, relax!
Honey, I'm relaxing.
- Don't yell at me! - Honey, I'm not yelling!
Keep her breathing, Nick. Put Lindsey on the phone, please.
- He wants to talk to you. - Why?
- Who knows? Here. - Hey, Chuck.
I want you to listen very carefully.
I need you to grab me some things.
I need a bucket of hot water, an oral thermometer...
...latex gloves, towels, a shoestring and some jalapeño hot sauce.
Hot sauce?
Get that for me. Put Nick on the phone.
- Okay, Chuck. - I am almost there.
I want you to go into the bathroom and get some hand sanitizer.
Don't tell me what to do.
I'm gonna go in the bathroom and find the hand sanitizer.
Okay, got it. What now?
We're gonna use that to sterilize your hands.
Why? I'm not touching nothing.
Nick, you are.
Oh, God, they're coming! Honey?
How far apart would you say the contractions are?
Fast and furious, Chuck. Fast and furious.
Pillow! I need a pillow.
Okay, game time, baby.
Go down there and see if the first baby is crowning.
Come on, man, what that mean?
Can you see the baby?
Oh, God.
It's like the guppies all over again.
- Honey? - Chuck, he's down.
That's what the jalapeño hot sauce is for.
Give him a little dash of that.
Hold on.
He's back.
- Put your father back on the phone. - Yeah.
I need you to go in there, grab that baby's head, gently.
For God's sake, gently.
Give it a pull. Then take the shoestring and tie off the cord.
- Hello? Hello? - Hello? Hello?
I lost him. Are you sure you don't wanna try a hospital?
Guess that means no.
Oh, so close. I just missed the state record. Let's-
- How's the patient doing here? - Oh, Chuck.
Let's go into our fun breathing.
Let's go into a deep, warm place, and a quiet place.
Okay, quiet and deep.
Family, let's breathe together.
Now we're releasing on sound.
Nick, I can't take that noise. I can't take that noise.
Hey, look, I'm having a baby. I can't talk right now.
- Yo, Nick, it's Earvin Johnson. - Magic?
Chuck Mitchell said you need to talk to me.
Look, my wife having a baby right now. We can't talk.
I remember when I had mine.
Yup. That's how I remembered it.
Tell Magic Chuck-dog said, "Holler. Much respect. You the man. "
Chuck-dog said, "Much respect. You the man. "
Tell Chuck-dog he's the man.
Yo, Chuck, he said you the man.
Oh, natch. That's so Magic.
Hey, man, what's up with the Lakers, man? Y'all need a center.
He wants to talk to you, Chuck.
Roundy-round. Roundy-round.
Hello?
You got your hands full over there.
Ask Nick if he has any more questions for me.
You have any questions for the greatest point guard...
...in the history of the NBA?
Oh, yeah. In that '85 series against the Celtics...
...was that a true crossover? Because it looked-
Knock it off!
So gotta go. Bye, Buck.
- I need you, baby. - Look, it's showtime now, okay?
- We got this. We got this. All right? - Okay. We got this. Okay.
Oh, God.
Told you it'd be beautiful.
Oh, before I forget, I got you kind of a homewarming gift.
All the best.
Yo, Chuck.
Thanks for coming back, man.
You kidding me? I'm stuck on you, Nick.
And so it goes.
You know, sometimes life throws you a changeup...
...and you've just got to adjust.
I never did finish the sports magazine.
Instead, I started something completely different.
A different magazine, a lot closer to my heart...
...inspired by rebuilding this house.
It's called Are We Done Yet?
And that's the story on how we built our dream house.
Thank you.