You two look amazing! You're like a perfect couple.
C'mon you guys! It's your wedding day. Smile!
This isn't working.
Piggy! Mr. Piggy! C'mon! Mr. Piggy, who doesn't love Mr. Piggy! Come on.
Up here you guys! Up here!
- Tonya what are you doing? - I'm trying to get them to stand up and look into each others eyes.
Walk away.
Alright come on guys.
So how long have they been dating? I know you have to multiply it by seven or something but
I'm just trying to get an idea how long to go out with somebody before tying the knot you know.
Okay.
Give me that.
Come on guys work with me. Sit up, sit up, sit up.
Tonya, Tonya!
What are you doing? I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
Will you stop dancing?!
I so very much like espresso.
It's strong and enjoyably bitter.
I see you, Agent Ross, you prefer a straight-forward cup of coffee...
While you, Agent Meyers, you pick a latte and add much sweetness.
This is why I became a US citizen.
America is the land of many choices.
Plus Croatian coffee tastes like dog urine..
Why exactly did you want to meet with us, Mr. Nikitin?
You and your wife have already obtained citizenship.
I don't think there's anything we can anything we can help you with.
I want my daughter Masha to have the same opportunity, without the wait.
So what are you suggesting, sir?
I am more than willing to pay a reasonable fee to expedite her paperwork.
My understanding that the traditional cost of this service is $10,000.
Well whatever your understanding of bypassing US immigration laws is Mr Nikitin...
We're not in the business of expediting anybody's citizenship.
You're lucky we don't arrest you for trying to bribe us.
We'll be paying close attention to your daughter.
- You said that they could be bought. - That's what I was told. Don't worry, we'll find someone else.
No. INS will be watching her closely. We must find another way.
Okay, alright. Hey the sooner we get this done, the sooner you can go back to pillaging.
He's just messing with you. You're a big old baby. Give me a wet one Brutus.
You need to get to know him that's all. Rub him between his hinds, and you can pose him any way you like.
- I'm sorry did you say rub him between his hinds? - You want him to co-operate you gotta give him a tickle.
I'm not really a tickler type. I think you should probably tickle your own dog.
Your ad says "Satisfaction Guaranteed" or I don't pay holmes.
Okay.
I can tickle a dog. Usually I would take you out to dinner first.
There you go.
I'm sorry I'm late.
Are you rubbing that dogs happy spot? - It's the only way he'll co-operate. Well I could have told you that.
Oh you know what that's my next client. Would you just show her the costumes, and don't bring her out until I say okay.
- Got it. - Oh Lord!
Hello.
I am here for photograph of cat.
I love your accent. It's Venezuelan right?
Okay! I think about massaging him again. No no no we got it.
- He was snarling the whole time. - And that's what pirates do. I'll email you the proofs. You'll love 'em.
So we can't decide between the Ballerina or an angel? I told yah, I told you not to bring the cat!
Brutus.
Come back, Brutus.
I gotta go. I'm late for my modelling class.
I'm really sorry about what happened, - It's okay, accidents happen.
Why haven't you asked me out? I've been your assistant for a whole month now.
Yeah and you've been...
really creative with the squeaky toys that's like a talent that...
Don't you find me attractive?
- Yeah, but you know it's not a good idea. - I feel...
a really strong connection between us.
- If I moved in with you, I'd never be late to work. - Yeah, yeah.
But an alarm clock would probably work also you know.
Think about it okay?
Okay.
Show me tongue.
- You suffer from stress. - Yeah. Tell me about it.
Chi out of balance. We fix.
I've never done this before. Does this hurt?
No pain. Close eyes. Relax.
Okay, this isn't that bad.
You look a bit stressed. Do you want me to help you out with that?
You like borscht? It's old family recipe.
My name is Vlatko Nikitin. Brickland and Oleg they work for me.
You can call me Brick.
What do you want? I mean... this is kidnapping.
- No. No kidnapping. You came here voluntarily. To make amends. - Amends?
- Amends for what? I didn't do anything. - Tell that to my wife's cat.
Oh I'm so sorry about that. I have a new assistant...
Cat is worthless. I bought it in Dubrovnik for 3 kuneh. That's uh, 54 US cents.
- Look I'll pay you for all your vet charges. - Cat is simply cat to me.
I prefer goat. But my wife Borislava she is heartsick.
Look ah, Mr. Nik... Nicotine, what can I do to make this right sir?
Easiest solution would have Brickland and Oleg put you in cement shoes and take you for swim in lake.
- What's the next easiest solution? - Marry my daughter, Masha.
- Excuse me? - Masha having problems with visa. Marriage solves problem.
What your saying, you want me to marry your daughter so she can get her green card?
After one year you get annulment, and you have no further debt to my family.
- No I've never even met her. - Relax, please. Marriage is purely for show.
Masha will be marrying Brickland in one years time. Brickland is like a son to me.
But he is very jealous.
So I would not consider any sexual activity...
with hand or mouth or he will kill you, in a very unpleasant way.
Okay I'm sorry, but this conversation is over. I'm really apologetic about your cat, and that whole situation but I'm outta here...
Brian. You do not know who I am.
Many powerful men have tried to cross me.
- Where are they now? - Who knows?
You.. you are not a powerful man.
But you are an intelligent man. I believe you will make the right decision.
- Goodmo! Shall we live forever? - Goodmo! Goodmo!
- Who the hell is this? - It's me mom.
You'd better be in the emergency room or jail to be calling me at this hour.
I'm in the middle of a facial detox for god's sake!
Mom! I have to marry a Croatian girl, or her father's going to have me killed.
- So? Marry her. - Did you hear what I just said?
- Yes! This is good news. - No. This not good news mom, did you miss the part about him murdering me?
- Do you love her? - No I don't Ma.. I've never even met her.
Look the whole thing is complicated. Oh it's always too complicated with you.
Is she old enough to bear children? What? I hear Eastern European women are very fertile.
Mom you know this is not helping. What does she look like?
I do not know, but judging by her mother, she's not gonna win any beauty contests
We all get ugly, it's only a matter of time. Does she have any money?
- I don't, her father is some kind of crime boss. - So she comes from money.
- Are you even listening to me? - Do you have other women in your life? Oh here we go.
I'm not getting any younger Brian, I need some grandchildren already!
Well that's not gonna happen, they said I can't even touch her. My father told your dad the same thing, you think he listened?
You were conceived in an elevator, on our honeymoon.
I had the close door button imprinted on my forehead for two days.
Mom, I did not need to hear that. All men are afraid of commitment. Stop whining and marry this girl.
That's all I'm gonna say.
Do you like plane? I pay half price.
- Sounds like you got a screaming deal. - Yes, screaming was involved.
Wedding is in two week. Brickland wishes to be your best man.
I'm moved.
Give this Masha during vows. It will help convince authorities you are serious.
Do you wish to invite witnesses? No, I'm an only child.
My dad's gone, my mom is... let's just say
- my mom has a prior commitment. - Okay.
Meeting over. Get out.
What do you mean you're getting married?
I mean I'm getting married.
- How long have you been sleeping with her? - That's a little inappropriate. - How long?! How long?!
I haven't slept with her yet okay?
Huh, what is she a virgin or something?
- What does she look like? She sexy? - She's Croatian.
- Does she even speak English? - I hope so.
- Did you order her off of eBay or something? - I did not order her off eBay.
- Then how come you've never mentioned her? - Because it's complicated okay?
You know Brian I'm not stupid.
If you wanted to dump me, you didn't have to invent some Christation virgin.
- Croatian. Croatian. - And I did not invent her okay?
I've never been dumped. I do the dumping you understand?!
How can I dump you if we've never gone out?
You know what if it makes you feel better go ahead and dump me. - Why would I do that?
- I love you. - Okay... look Tonya...
I think you may have misunderstood our relationship okay.
Look Brian, I don't know about a lot of things, but one thing I do know about is about men, and you definitely...
You know what, I'm sorry. I'm getting married.
We'll see about that.
What is that supposed to mean?
Okay, let's go over it one more time.
Ok, we met two months ago at the ballet. Which ballet?
The " The Gazelle". "Giselle" at the Joffrey!
Look, does it have to be the ballet?
Masha loves dancing! It's her passion.
- She's a very a very passionate person. - Ok whatever. So we went to the ballet, then we started dating...
Where did you propose to her? At the Ukrainian bistro.
Ukrainian village restaurant. What's her favorite drink?
I know this one. Stav, stav, stav...
Stavlenniy myod. It's a strong liquor.
- What's her favorite colour? - That's blue.
Red! It's red. Final answer.
What does she hate more than anything?
Big Limey thugs.
Womanizers! Womanizers! She hates womanizers! Brick I was kidding, it was a bad joke in retrospect.
You listen to me. The date's been set for you and Masha to meet at a nightclub.
You put on a good show for your authorities, but if you go too far... I'll rip your heart out!
Okay. I appreciate your encouragement, sir.
You know this would help, if I knew what she looked like.
To me she's the most beautiful woman in the world.
Hi, I'm Brian. Brick told me a lot about you.
- Zoya. - Zoya? You're not Masha?
- Zoya. - You're not Masha that's awesome!
Masha! Hi...
Brian?
Masha?
Anya? Take us to the table, Okay.
Come on.
Thank you.
- This is awkward. - Yes it is.
I had no idea what you look like.
- You look disappointed. - No, no, not disappointed, your English is perfect.
Oh I had an American nanny my whole childhood.
- You look exactly the way I thought you would. - I do?
I checked out your Facebook profile.
Oh my. Listen that was one night, a bachelor party, those weren't my cowboy boots... my friends. Not together.
- I know you're only here because of what happened to my mother's cat. - I'm so sorry about that.
No, no, no... No offense or anything, but I don't wanna marry you either. I don't even know you.
I know that you're a photographer and that you have hazel brown eyes...
but that hardly qualifies.
Look, I know I'm breaking the law. I could have been admitted legally in less than a year...
but that was before my father decided to bribe the INS.
I told him to stay out of it, but...
Okay, there are two men over there watching us right now.
Just act natural or something.
What do we do?
Lets, um lets put on a little show for them. Come on.
I'm not exactly Mikhail Baryshnikov out here.
- Just relax. - Okay.
Oh! Yeah... okay.
- Oh no, no, no... - Yeah this is good, right?
- No, just take my lead okay? - Okay.
Slow, slow, slow...
- You think they made us? - Oh yeah.
- Um, I think they're leaving. - Who?
The INS agents.
Oh, right. Well, we should probably play it safe.
Coast is clear! See you at the wedding!
Mr. Lighthouse, we'd like to ask you a few questions. I'm Agent Ross. INS. This is my partner Agent Meyers.
So we understand that you're gonna marry Masha Nikitin?
Yes! Yes I am.
We've been dating for a few months. She loves the colour red and... and she hates womanizers.
So where did you two meet? At the Joffrey.
We saw "The Nutcracker". The "Gazelle", "Giselle".
- It was a triple bill. - So you're a big ballet fan then, huh?
No. Actually I'm not. I was given free tickets and I said maybe I should go. And then I'd meet a Croation bride.
Check!
Um, what-what-what's this about, gentlemen?
I think You know Mr Lighthouse. Masha's Nikitin's visa's about to run out, and she conveniently marries you in the nick of time.
Did her father offer you money to marry his daughter?
Guys, come on...
Y' know, Vlatko Nikitin is a very powerful Eastern European crime figure.
He's being investigated for racketeering, extortion, murder... and you wanna be his son-in-law?
- How much is he paying you, Lighthouse? - Nothing, and I will swear that on a stack of Bibles.
Well, we understand that he's paying for a mega-buck honeymoon out in the South Pacific. What about that?
- He is? - You're telling us you don't know about your own honeymoon?
Oh, my... my honeymoon? Of course, I know. Duh!
I just didn't know that he was paying for the full thing.
God, you guys ruined that surprise. There's no Santa, too?
You'll go to jail for hell of a long time, if you're not telling us the truth.
Or you'll end up dead. You really think he's gonna let you walk away from this?
If this wedding is the result of coercion, we can offer you full immunity... if you help us.
Help you do what? Well we need to know everything about Nikitins business dealings.
Bank accounts, money laundering, the works.
I'm sorry guys, but uh, no one's pressuring me into this, alright? I love Masha.
Okay. Well um, just think about it.
Um, thats but, I have nothing to hide.
Meow!
Tonya! What are you doing here?
- Looking for some catnip, you got any? - Catnip no. I don't have catnip.
Look ah! You look great... ish. But you have got to get out of here, okay?
I'll let you pose me and take pictures of me if you want.
Tonya, you really need to go, okay?
- Look, if you care about me at all, you'll forget about me, okay? - I'm not giving up on you that easily, Brian.
Mreowr!
Welcome everyone! I would like to make a toast to the newlyweds, Za mladenci!
Za mladenci!
Love you, Dad!
This is private reception.
- Okay! - Whoa, Mrs. Lighthouse!
- Did I tell you how beautiful you look? - Was that before or after you got drunk?
Oh! That's me, "Luba Chernobyl."
You can search me, if you want.
I'm really gonna like being married to you.
[speaking Croatian]
Gorko, Gorko, Gorko.
Gorko, Gorko, Gorko, Gorko Gorko, Gorko, Gorko, Gorko, Gorko, Gorko, Gorko Gorko...
Who's Gorko? It means the vine is bitter.
We must kiss her as long as it takes to make the vine sweet, its a Slavic tradition.
Who am I to mess with tradition?
Relax! You can do you what you want to him, after she gains citizenship.
I love this woman!
I would like to make a toast to the groom, Brian.
You and I have shared many intimate moments together.
Most of them have involved animals.
Some like the night where you had me dress up like a kitten...
I will never forget that.
Well, well, well... he's got a little girlfriend.
- Resolve this. - I know you love me, Brian...
Who else can make Mr. Piggy squeal like I do?
Okay...
Aah! I not giving up on you!
Sorry 'bout that. That was, ah... my assistant, ah... former assistant.
She's ah... she's crazy. Wooh! Somehow thinks that we're in a relationship but, that is totally, unequivably false.
Because I've only loved one woman in my life besides my mother...
and today I was lucky enough to to marry her.
Stop, stop... Well, lets party guys! It's a wedding! Sorktum, sorktum, go Gorkoh!
You are doing a very convincing job of pretending to love my daughter.
- It's not like I have a choice. - My wife, she's excellent judge of character.
She sees what she sees, even if you blind.
- I don't love your daughter. - Nothing must happen on honeymoon.
- But then why are we even going on a honeymoon? - INS will suspect nothing.
Resort is far. Maybe they not follow.
Eye's will be watching you. So make sure that Little Brian does not take over for Big Brian.
- If you my grab my meaning! - Oh!
[speaking Croatian]
- What did she say? - She said, "Take good care of our Masha..."
"or you will suffer beyond all imagination."
Oh? That's what I thought, that's what I thought she said.
- You know, you didn't say a word to me the whole flight. - You passed out the entire flight.
- Can we talk about this? - What is there to talk about?
You play your part and I'll play mine.
Well, yeah... we're gonna be spending a lot of time together. I mean, can we at least try and be friends?
We'll see.
- Ahem! - Oh, hi! May I help you?
Yeah, hi! Um, we're on the 11am flight to Nuku Hiva, staying at the Lover's Bay Resort...
Oh, I'm sorry. All flights to the Marquesas have been canceled due to a weather system.
But, oh! But you can try and book a local room at that counter.
Um... do you have another way we can get there?
Ernesto can fly you there.
- Who is Ernesto? - Ernesto Esteban Cruz.
Like Penelope Cruz. She won the Oscar.
I checked the Doppler, the machine checking storms, the storm heading south.
It should miss Nuku Hiva by a little short hair.
Plus you get guided tour, a private flight, and free sandwiches.
Ham and cheese.
- Um, should we try this? - Um, are you sure this is safe?
I haven't lost a passenger yet.
"If you look to your left you will see the magnificent Hiva Oa island."
"The second largest in the Marquesas."
- Um, how much further? - Ah, the beautiful island of Bora Bora..."
"is coming up on your right, it is in the leeward group of Society Islands."
Wait a minute! Bora Bora is nowhere near Nuku Hiva. Do you even know where we are?
Not exactly, my instruments are down.
- Would either of you like a sandwich? - I'm sorry. Did you say your instruments are down?
Yes. I have ham and cheese...
or just cheese.
- Are we gonna crash? - I don't like to use the term crash, it's negative.
- I prefer the term "catastrophic failure." - Oh my god!
It is more professional.
Brace for impact!
Welcome to Nuku Hiva.
Okay! We have arrived.
Senor.
Paysan!
Gracias.
Gratuity. It's not included.
Um, okay, I'm sorry, I know it says in the guide book there's no tipping in Tahiti.
- You going to believe guide book, or Ernesto? - Are you kidding me you almost got us killed like a hundred times!
You're on honeymoon, it's like best aphrodisiac money can buy.
Look, working already. Come on.
Okay.
Gracias. Enjoy your honeymoon, huh. Give her one for me.
Con su permiso. Con su permiso!
Don't even think about it. Whoo!
- Hey. - Hey.
- Brick said that was your favourite. - They say it stirs your passion.
- I just like the taste. Want some? - Ah, yeah sure.
- God, I've never stayed in a place this nice before. - Yeah.
My idea of a perfect honeymoon is staying in a primitive village, dancing barefoot under the moonlight.
- Somehow I can't see Brick going for that. - I'm not gonna marry Brick.
I'm gonna marry somebody I'm in love with.
You know actually, uh, I really like your jungle honeymoon idea.
- Really? - Yeah. Well, sort of my plan was, y' know...
to shoot for National Geographic, explore the the world.
I got the next best thing. I take pictures of pets in stupid costumes.
Well, once I get my citizenship I'm gonna open my own dance studio.
- Really? - Yeah, I was lucky.
My parents paid for all my lessons. I'd like to see other kids have the same opportunity.
Well, thats great, really cool.
- To both of us finding happiness. - Yeah! To happiness.
Oh that's good... stir my passion! Not you! Or your robe, which I didn't even notice, it's not flattering.
- I can't believe I'm actually married. - Me neither.
Okay, you know what? You, uh, you take the bed. I'll, uh, I'll do the chair.
- You sure? - Yeah, yeah, it's all yours.
- Where you going? - I'm just gonna get some fresh air.
It's a long day... almost died, a bunch! Yeah.
Okay.
Okay. Ah, don't wait up... dear.
- Ready for another? - Yes, definitely.
- Al! - Got it. - Thanks, Al!
- Should I charge this to your room? - Um, yeah, yeah, I'm over in bungalow 12.
Oh! The Honeymoon Suite. Where's your wife?
Ah! My wife is... she's sleeping.
It's a really long trip in, she's pretty fried.
If it was my honeymoon, I wouldn't let my husband out of the bungalow.
Ooh, that's naughty.
It seems to me you need to inject a little more romance into your marriage.
Yeah. You have no idea.
Well, what does she love?
She loves to dance. Yeah, she's a dancer. And it sucks because I'm a terrible dancer.
- That's an easy fix! - Whoa! Where are we going? Where are we going?
- I'm gonna give you a dance lesson. - Y' know, I don't think that's a great idea.
- You need to loosen up. - Yeah, I know.
Okay, show me your best dance move.
- My best dance move? - Yep.
- Okay, stop. You're kidding right? - Yeah. Of course, yeah.
I thought so. Okay so concentrate on the music.
- And move these hips. - Okay, these hips are movin'.
No, they're not.
Alright, close your eyes, and imagine you're with her.
Scent of her perfume.
The warmth of her skin.
Yeah. I can feel it.
I can feel it. I'm dancing. Yeah!
Not good.
- Masha, come back and dance and with me! - Apparently you already have a partner.
No, no, no. She was just teaching me to dance, so I could impress you.
Well you certainly did.
Hey, hey hey, you know what?
- I'm not some playboy okay? I mean, I know you hate womanizers. - Brian, Brian...
You don't know anything about me.
I don't care what you do, as long as it doesn't effect my citizenship.
But flaunting yourself with some waitress on the first day of our honeymoon is just plain stupid.
You're right. No, you're right.
You're right. I'm sorry.
You look amazing in this dress.
This relationship is about me getting my citizenship.
And you paying your debt to my father. Nothing more.
- Brickland! - Yes, Boss.
Not enough goat in stew.
Don't worry, I'll have a word with the chef.
- Have you heard from contact at resort? - No, they got hit by a storm. All the phones are down.
- I don't trust that photographer. - I share your concerns.
I'd like to go out there and keep an eye on him, if it's alright with you.
Hi.
- Hi. - Hey.
- I got you into trouble last night, didn't I? - No, no you didn't. That was my fault.
- Well, I know how you can make it up to her. - I'm good. Thanks.
There's a secluded cove about a mile away from here, unbelievably romantic.
You two could even swim naked if you wanted to.
You know what? We'll probably stay with the pool. I don't think she wants to see...
Here, I drew you a map.
I guarantee it'll solve all your problems.
- Hello, Mom. - I'm lonely!
Being couped up here is about as much fun as a hemorrhoid.
Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you slapped a police officer.
I wasn't speeding! He deserved it. Hold on.
- Hey, Dingle Plumbing. But I'm not Walt. - The kitchen sink, it smells like something crawled up in there and died.
Yeah, it would't be the first time.
Why are you answering your phone anyway? You should be bonking your wife.
Ah, mom, listen I told you this is a business arrangement, alright? I mean, she's not even attracted to me.
I wasn't attracted to your father but that didn't stop me! Wham-bam, call the diaper-man.
That's all I'm gonna say.
That's all you had to say, Mom.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Can you put some sunscreen on my back? - Yeah, of course.
- Look, um, I'm sorry about last night. - I over reacted.
You know what, it was me.
No no no, It was a stressful day for both of us. Let's just pretend like it never happened, okay.
Yeah, deal.
- You know, I know where there's a really nice lagoon. - Okay...
Yeah, it's beautiful, it's private. We can probably, y'know, go skinny dip-
we can just swim there... whatever you'd like, whatever you want.
How did you find out about this place?
Um, honestly the uh, the waitress drew me a map. She, uh...
She felt bad about what happened the other night and said that we should come here, because it's gonna be great.
- It's amazing. - Yeah, hold that, hold that.
Wow, beautiful. Beautiful! Alright...
Yeah, Mrs. Lighthouse. Okay... oh yeah.
Looking good. Alright.
Now give me one that says, "Why am I in a sailor costume? I'm a cat."
Yeah, go ahead and laugh, that's pretty much my work day. And the pet owners that come in... are crazy!
Except for your mother. She's not crazy. She's terrific, she's awesome.
- And your dad, remember? "Gorko, Gorko..." - They're not terrific people.
They're criminals. But they're my family.
You're not the only one with family problems.
Everyone thinks my dad ran away.
- But my mom actually killed him. - Oh, my god.
She-she buried him in the back yard. And actually, I've seen two client's dogs...
dig up my Dad. I think they smelled his cologne thing, I don't know what it was but...
they were sort of running around with my dad's bones, in their mouth, like around the back yard, it was like a dogfight.
- You are so pathetic! - What are you talkin' about?
- I needed therapy for that! - Come on!
Seriously, with my Dad's bones! I mean, right in their mouths...
- It is so beautiful! - Yeah, it sure is.
Alright, hold on. Let me like take like two or three... hundred. Just...
Alright, you know what?
Let's do this. Come on, Mrs. Lighthouse! Come get in the water, come on! Wooh!
Come on in.
- Wooh, yeah! Alright! - Oh! I see how it is.
- What are you doing? - Oh, it's on baby, it's on.
What are y- Oh, okay! Ow!
You're in trouble, Mrs. Lighthouse!
- Yeah! Bullseye! - Hmm, very smart. Now what are you gonna do?
- Come on! - Oh!
- Wait a second. Did you hear that? - Uh-huh, it's probably Brick coming. How's the water naked man?
- Throw me my trunks, Masha! - You want them, you'll have to come and get them.
I'm serious! If somebody finds me here with you like this, I'm in deep...
Come on you worry too much. It's probably an animal. Do you want me to look?
No! Throw me my trunks. Masha! My trunks! Masha!
Masha. Masha!
Very funny, Masha. Where are you?
Masha?
- 2 o'clock. That'll be fun, have fun! - Gift shop. It's Gucci.
- I see you're enjoying your honeymoon, Mr Lighthouse. - I am, um...
- have you, have you seen my wife? - Ah, the bellman just let her in to your bungalow.
Oh great. Thank you.
Okay... very funny ditching me like that.
- You Tarzan, me Tonya. - No, no, no. How did you even get here?
Frequent flier miles. Don't make me feel like I wasted them.
- Okay, no, no, no, you have to leave here. - Right after I trim your hedge.
- Hello? - Brian, honey, it's your mother.
Hey, Mom. Stop.
Thank god. It sounds like, you're finally getting down to business.
- Mom, I can't really talk right now. - Pace youself on the foreplay, alright?
- When you're hungry, everything looks tasty. - It's so tight.
- That's all I'm gonna say. - Can you hand me my snake?
Okay, you know what? Stop! I'm married. Okay? Get that into your head.
It's Masha! It's Masha! Masha? Masha, where are you?
We have your wife. We want 10 million US dollars by 6pm tomorrow.
If you involve the police or any authorities, we will kill her. We will text you the account number.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm a pet photographer, I don't have ten million dollars! - Then find someone who does, if you want her to live.
We should be okay now.
Who are you?
- Where are you taking me? - Shut up.
- I think Masha's been kidnapped. - Well, don't look at me.
Oooh, looks like it went well...
- Somebody kidnapped my wife! - What?!
Yeah, they took her from the lagoon, where you sent us!
- What do you know about this? - Nothing! And who's she?
- I'm his girlfriend. Who are you? - You are not my girlfriend! Okay?
Calm down! Tell me what happened.
How you doing?
- Your boy was in here last night dirty dancing with one of the waitresses. - Stupid!
Gets worse. Today I saw him take your woman into the jungle.
Came back bare assed with a couple of banana leaves over his johnson.
This boy... he's a real stud.
- And that pretty much sums it up. - I knew it! I knew the marriage was bogus.
Nobody in their right mind would ever dump me.
- We have to call the police. - No, no, no. They said they'd kill her if I called anyone.
Oh, they always say that. I'd go for it. I mean, what's the worst that could happen?
- She could die, Tonya! - You know, I'm just trying to help! You don't have to yell.
- Where are you supposed to come up with 10 million dollars? - I don't know. The only person I can think of is my father-in-law.
- Problem solved, can we order some room service 'cause I'm starving. - Tonya! Shut up. Please!
If Masha's father finds out that I took her to this secluded lagoon where she happened to get kidnapped, and I'm swimming naked...
he's gonna have me tortured and dismembered! There's no way I can ask him for the money.
- Then you only have one option. - Yeah, and what's that?
- You have to rescue her. - What am I, Batman?
No! I take pictures of dogs dressed as fricking pirates for a living, I can't do that.
I know this island inside and out, so does my cousin. We could help you!
Oh, you can help me? No, thanks! You've helped me enough for one lifetime.
- You wanna blame this whole thing on me? - Well, maybe I should!
Fine! I was just trying to make your marriage better. I mean, it's obvious that you love her.
No, he doesn't, you heard him. He's just helping her get a green card.
Look... Nuku Hiva isn't that big.
We can find her. Besides what other choice do you have?
- Open the door. - Hah!! Get out of here!
Go, go, go! Out! Go, go, go!
Where are we supposed to go?
Open the door!
- Hey, Brick. What brings you here? - Masha.
Don't get the wrong idea. I slept on the chair.
- I should kill you right now. - I promise! Ask Masha.
Hurry up. Jump!
- Where is she? - I don't know, I don't-this hurts!
- Just jump! I'll catch you. - Are you crazy?
Jump!
Nice catch, cougar.
I just want to let you know that Brian is mine. So don't get any ideas.
- I just want to help him. Do you? - Well yeah, when you put it that way.
- I need to find my cousin. - What am I supposed to do?
- Buy some provisions, you think you can handle that? - I can out-shop you any day, sweetie.
One last chance. Where is she?
She's at the pool, she's at the pool.
She'd better be.
Where's Masha? Tell me the truth, or I'll break your sweet little neck.
- My cousin's here. - Your cousin...?
...and he and the slutty waitress are gonna try and rescue her. That's all I know.
There's my cousin.
- We need to re-think this whole plan. - We're wasting time. Ernesto can help us cover the whole island.
- Oh, Ernesto? Great. - That's right. My bird is all fixed up ready to go.
- I'm 68% confident. - Oh, 68! That's almost 70. Great.
- Some big foreign guy, he's just tried to kill me. - What? Where?
Right by the pool, he was looking...
- for Sasha, Nasha, whatever her name is. - What did you tell him?
- Everything. I'm no fool. - It's over, I'm dead.
Not your not. You rescue her, you save her father 10 million dollars, and you look like a hero.
Decide quickly. You have an appointment with that guy's fist and elbow.
Okay, okay we should go. We should-we should go.
- Well, you can't just leave me here! - Lets go!
Move over!
Okay, lets go. Here we go.
Time to party.
Oh! Oh no!
- He's shooting! - What are you doing? Oh, god.
You'd better duck down, little lady.
- I need your foot. - Do what?!
- Your foot. - For what?
- For here! - Ahh!
Ernesto!
- Okay. - You can drive!
- Now comes the unexpected the fun part. - Oh, the fun part?
- We're here. - Alright.
- Is that thing fixed? - More fixed than broken.
- You okay, little lady? - What you did back there was amazing.
Ah, we're just getting started.
I get air sick. I need to sit up front with him.
Ernesto!
Here we go.
Um, I think we should hurry!
We'll be long gone, by the time he gets here. Who's your pappi? Who's your pappi?
- Come on! - Um... is there a problem?
Yes and no, mostly yes.
- Come on pappi, come on baby. - Oh, he's getting closer!
- Come on, cus. - Come on, cus! - Come on, Ernesto!
- Come on. - Let's go! Come on!
- Come on! - Come on, baby!
Okay...
Okay.
We're takin' off! We're takin' off!
We made it! Whoo! Yeah!
- Now, that is my idea of a good time. - Yes!
So, tell me, carida, how are you involved in this adventure?
- She's his girlfriend. - But Brian's married now, so that's kind of up in the air...
I think I'm gonna be sick.
- May I offer you a tequila? - Sure.
- Um, should they be...? Is this legal? - We don't have all the accoutrements of my kitchen, but...
we try our best, huh?
Don't worry about it, he's got a high tolerance.
We're fine, we're fine.
Brick's calling from Tahiti. He ​​said that it is important.
Da? Boss, Masha's been kidnapped!
- Who did this? - I don't know...
she was abducted when the photographer took her into the jungle to...
- To what? - To steal her virginity.
The arrogant git strolled into the hotel naked.
- And his bimbo girlfriend's turned up too. - Do you think they are involved in kidnapping?
Yeah they must be.
Oh, Masha...
What are you doing?
- Come on! - What do you want?
Get her in the shed!
Hurry up!
Aah! Get it off me! Get it off me! Get it off! Get it off me!
No! No, no, no, no.
A little buggie... oh, cute.
- Oh, okay. - Get it off!
It's poisonous, it's poisonous... pulling it... away from the... pitchers!
- Do you think they saw us? - How would I know?
- You're a fiesty one. - What do you want?
Do you know who my father is?
We sure do, sweetheart. Daddy's gonna pay a pretty price to get you...
Shut up!
- Hey, you guys see anything yet? - Nothing. Just a very sexy scared young lady.
You need to eat something.
- This is what you bought? - Ow!
- Sorry, they were all out of Bitch Illustrated. - This is not food. What are we supposed to eat?
- I got it covered. - What does he mean he's got it covered?
Who is this guy? Rambo?
You are so primal.
You know we still have tomorrow.
There's a fishing village right around that point. We can hike there after we get a little bit of rest.
The locals might have seen something.
- Why are you even helping me? - 'Cause it's the right thing to do.
And I owe you.
- Whoever you are you have no idea what you're getting yourself into. - Shut up!
- You're pathetic. - And you're a spoiled little princess who needs to be taught a lesson. Oh!
Hello! Help! Somebody help me!
Be quiet!
I told you to leave her alone.
Now don't move!
Get up!
Uh-huh, you're sure about this?
Two Americans were here a couple of days ago, in a four wheel drive.
They bought a few days worth of provisions, and some heavy fishing line.
Obviously they went fishing. They didn't have poles, and they drove into those mountains.
Well, they sound really stupid.
The road inland passes an old compound, where some surfers used to shape boards.
- Somehow we missed it during the fly-over. - We could always fly back.
- We should hike in if we want to surprise them. - How long is that gonna take?
- At least two hours. - Two hours! My god!
- Shut up! - Shut up! - You shut up! How do you know these guys are the kidnappers?
- Or if they're even staying at this place? - We don't, okay, but do you have a better idea?
And I'm not talking about sittin' here reading Cosmo's "10 Best Ways to Please a Man," Tonya.
- At least I don't tickle dog's balls. - I did not tickle that dogs...
Enough! Are you going with us or not?
Fine. But I need to cool off first.
Need to cool off first?
She makes a good point.
Excuse me.
What do you think our odds are, honestly?
If you want to live, what else are you gonna do?
Yeah, well, it's not about me. Not anymore.
Da!
- Did you call the police? - Um, no. They said they'd kill her.
Look I know I should have to call sooner but, uh...
Alright, the truth is, I think I really love your daughter. And right now she's all I care about.
I'm trying to find her, but, um...
Right now the odds kinda suck. So, uh, if you don't hear from me by six o'clock...
um, wire the money. The account number is... 46564327.
- Yeah. - Did you find her?
Not yet, but that chopper's been spotted the other side of the island, I'm headed there now.
Lighthouse called, asked me to wire ransom. He is behind this, as we thought.
- And he'll pay with his life! - She is only child, Brick.
If you don't find Masha by six o'clock...
- I will wire money. - Do what you gotta do.
Chopper never come back, so we're good to go. She's fine, any problems on your end?
Nothing I can't handle.
Um, I'd hate to interrupt your Club Med vacation but I think we should get going.
Do you mind if we try and go save her life?
- Oh! Oh, oh... - Mi amor!
- I think I sprained my ankle. - Come on!
- Guys we have to go! - You're so insensitive.
- You wont leave me, will you? - I'll catch up, cousin.
You know, this is so typical of you! You selfish...
sexist imbecile!
Listen cousin, it wasn't my idea that when a man gets older he becomes more attractive.
- And that it doesn't work that way... for a woman. - I see. Hmm...
Hey! I need to use the bathroom!
Take care of it, and keep your hands off her.
Yeah, fine.
Where is she?
- How's your ankle, by the way? - My what?
- Your ankle. You hurt your ankle. - Oh, yeah!
See if I can find it. Oh, I'm working my way, Oh! I see a foot.
Very nice.
I thought I knew everyone on this island.
- So did I.
You okay?
My cousin just needs to get some sense knocked into him.
Where is your boyfriend? Nod, if he's here in the village.
Where did he go?
In the mountains?
Okay! I'm gonna take my hand away. If you scream, I'm gonna kill you. Do you understand?
Hold still! Hold still, come on.
Holy sh... Come on, we've gotta get her back!
- Who is this? - Brian, it's me. I got away.
- Masha, Masha! Where are you? I'm trying to find you. - There're sheds with a lot of junk and surfboards, I dunno, I ran up the main road.
Idiot!
They're coming, I gotta call you back.
- What happened? - I don't remember.
Wait...
The blood has returned to the head on top. We've got to save that guy's wife!
- Yeah? - Where is she?
- She got away. - She got away! What kind of idiots have I hired?
Wel, , get her back. Now!
Thanks a lot, Brian. That big foreign creep smashed my face.
How am I supposed to get modelling work now? You've ruined my life!
Masha! Masha, Masha, Masha!
We gotta go! We gotta go, Look out!
Go, go, go, go!
Jump! Jump! Jump..
Come on. Come on.
Have you found them yet?
They're in the valley.
- Look! - Maybe we can use that.
Let's hope it still works.
- Oh my god! - Go, go, go, go...
Paddle! Paddle, paddle.
Go, go, go!
Get down! Get down, get down!
Go, go, go, paddle, paddle, paddle!
Do your phone! Try your phone!
- Da!, Dadda it's Masha. - Masha you okay?
She escape.
Masha, who is behind this? Who kidnapped you?
It was...
- Go, go, go! - I dropped the phone!
Hello, hello, Masha?
No more mistakes!
My dad took me on a canoe trip once. There was slightly less shooting involved.
What really happened to your father?
He was in Antartica...
and got attacked by...
penguins. They are not as cute as everybody thinks.
You know how hard it was for me to put on a tuxedo, at our wedding?
The second I looked into the mirror, all I could think about was him fighting them off.
- You... - Okay! Okay! He's alive!
But he left us a long time ago. I don't know him.
But my Mom is crazy. I mean, she's, y' know, under house arrest, and the whole...
Wait a minute.
- What? - Do you hear that?
What are they saying?
I don't know, I think they want us to paddle over.
I can't believe a place like this still exists.
- Do you have any idea what he's saying? - Not really. But he seems friendly, maybe he can help us.
- Um, bad guys. Grr! Need help. - Do you have a phone?
A phone, yeah! Do you have a phone? Like an iPhone or a Blackberry? Like a...
Yeah, okay...
Oh god, I hope they don't eat us.
May I?
- You look amazing. - You clean up well yourself.
Dancing under the moonlight in a jungle village. It's pretty much your ideal honeymoon right?
Is it yours?
Will you marry me?
I'm sorry, but I'm already married.
It was the third one I was most proud of. Yeah, I didn't cry that time.
Let's go.
- Isn't this amazing? - Yeah.
If only we would have some jungle cappuccino.
Oh no, no, I was kidding. No Coffee...
So good!
You two gotta get the hell outta here!
- Wait a second, you speak English? - I used to work Wall Street. Long story.
- Grab that leaf! - Got it.
Alright, get on!
Alright! Go, go, go!
Move!
- Move away from her! - No! No, no, he's gonna kill you!
- Move, if you want her to live! - Okay, Okay!
- You okay, Masha? - Don't try and pretend you just saved me, you hired him.
What? I would never.
I thought you loved me. I do.
Then at least show some respect and be honest.
Did they treat you well?
- Why would you do this? - Because I'm ambitious.
- Like your father. I thought that's what women like in a man? - So you use his own daughter to steal from him?
- I did it for us. - There is no us.
We're getting married Masha, it's all been decided.
I wouldn't marry you if you were the last man on this planet.
You're sick, violent and delusional. I never loved you, and I never will.
Okay, I don't think honesty is the best policy right now.
What about this then?
Your new husband. He's the kidnapper, not me. And I shot him...
but not before I could stop him throwing you over the edge of the cliff!
Such a tragic ending!
There they are!
The honeymoon is officially over!
No!
Oh my god!
Oh! Brian!
Senor, please allow me. Senorita, por favor.
There he is, get him!
- What is this? - Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys...
Let him go, he did not do anything! Let go of me!
I'm okay, Mom, I'm okay. Dadda, stop this! He didn't do anything!
Hey!
You saved my daughter. You save me 10 million US dollars.
And you expose Brickland as traitor.
Does that sound like a good reason to shoot you in the head? I don't think so.
My wife say you have our blessing to stay married.
Here! Wedding gift!
Take! 9 mm semi-automatic.
Low recoil, double-action.
Welcome to family!
Here.
Masha, I love you so much.
But I can't be married into this family.
No! Let him go.
Come on darlin', ham it up. "Ham." Get it?
- What Mom? - Just because I'm under house arrest doesn't mean you have to be.
- Oh, come on, Mom. - You really need to get out.
Please just don't start.
How are you feeling?
- Uh, never better. - You're miserable.
Pull your head out of your rear end and do something about this. It's not that complicated.
That's all I'm gonna say.
You up for a double dip?
- Something wrong? - It's compli...
No. It's not.
- Still need your green card? - What about my family?
Wait till you meet mine.
- I love you. - I love you.
Do you like that? Do you like this? Have you done this one before?
- Talk to me. What kind of photographer are you? - It's professional camera. I buy camera for.
It's flash. Touch button? See? Fully professional.