Babe.
We there?
No, sorry. Would you give her a call? We're gonna be late.
Woman: Got a bit lost to be honest.
- Man: There's no signal. - Woman: No signal at all?
Welcome to Scotland.
Woman: You not excited about this?
Man: No, this is great.
Woman: If this place can be ours at this price...
...it'd be amazing.
- Man: It's a lovely view. - Woman: It's gorgeous.
Man: Aye, it's gorgeous.
Woman: It's gorgeous.
Man: Och, I can not believe it.
It's beautiful.
Scotland, here we come.
- Mrs. Chapman. - Yes, hello.
Hello. I'm Flo. Flo Douglas from Armstrong and Graham.
So lovely to meet you. I'm Sarah.
This is my husband, Ed.
- Hello. - Hello. Welcome to Castle Farm.
Thank you, I'm sorry we're late,
I think we took a wrong turn somewhere.
If you're not familiar with the lay of the land
it's easy to run into trouble around here
and your mobile phones will be of no use.
They're still a thing of the future.
You won't be able to survive out here.
I can do without my phone.
I don't think so. It's glued to her hand.
Um...
- Shall we look at the property? - Yes, please.
So, the main house and the outbuildings
date back to the 19th century
but parish records show
that there's been a settlement of one kind or another
on this spot since the 1300s
so it comes with a lot of history.
Was there really a castle here?
It was Peel House.
Not really a castle, more a fortification.
It was the site of a ferocious battle
between the Scots and the English at one point.
Who won?
That depends on who you talk to.
So. There's two reception rooms off the hallway here,
a kitchen to the rear plus a cold store.
Upstairs, there's three double bedrooms, one en suite,
one single and a bathroom.
And there's 1.5 acres, I believe.
Ed, look at this.
Could have some cozy dinner parties in here.
Do you know many people in the area?
Not a soul.
Flo: Oh, not to worry, you'll soon meet folk.
Scotland's a very friendly country.
- Sarah: Sweet, aren't they? - Ed: Yeah.
Has there been a structural survey on this place recently?
Not that I know of, but I'm sure everything's tickety boo.
These old houses were built to last.
God, look at these views.
So what happened with the previous owner?
Oh, Mr. Nixon. He, um... He ran into bother
some years ago now. He borrowed money from the bank
to keep the farm going, couldn't pay it back.
Flo: Now it's owned by some finance company in the south.
All that's left is the house, the outbuildings
- and the field out back. - Did they have to evict him?
Oh, no, he was here until the end.
Put up quite a fight, too.
Been in his family for three generations.
He didn't have any family to pass it on to?
Yes, he had a number of sons...
Some are still in the valley, one's off fighting in the war,
but when old Willy died,
the house became the property of the bank.
So did he die in the house?
- He did, yes. - That's a shame.
Yes, it was... It was very emotional actually.
Has there been much interest?
Well, there's a shortage of property in the area
so there's always a lot of interest from the locals.
And have there been any offers?
Oh, yes, yes, there have been offers,
but nothing realistic, shall we say.
I guess a lot of people are put off by the state of the place.
There's a lot of work that needs doing before it's livable.
It's at a state of disarray, that's true.
But for the local people
it's more the price that's the problem.
For what there is it's amazing,
I mean it's quite reasonable.
By city standards perhaps,
but for the local market it's, um, too much.
So it's ours for the taking then.
Hmm.
It's exactly the kind of project you've talked about for years.
Yeah, in Suffolk or Cornwall.
Can't afford a place in Suffolk or Cornwall.
- This place is so cheap. - That's because it's a wreck.
Nothing in this place works.
Aww.
You can make it work.
What will you be doing while I'm making it work?
I'll be helping.
What? Do you think I'm really useless at this stuff?
That's because you are useless at this stuff.
OK, I am useless at this stuff
but if you teach me, with a little patience, I could learn.
Look at those outbuildings.
Imagine what we could do with them.
They'd make perfect holiday lets.
It's gonna take at least 18 months
before this place is fit to live in.
Yeah, 18 months of you being your own boss.
Taking things at your own pace and doing them how you want.
Yeah, in Scotland, where the weather is shit,
the food is shit, the football is shit.
- So? - And judging by this place,
the houses are shit.
OK, so,
do you want to go to work on Monday, bowing to Fletcher
and keep doing what you've been doing for the rest of your life?
- It's not what you want, is it? - You know it's not.
Let's sell up and move here.
Come on, baby, let's have an adventure.
Uaughs)
- I hate you. - I know.
Ed: Ta-dah!
Ed, I've wired a plug.
And the crowd goes wild.
ls that you? Sarah?
- Sorry! - For fuck's sake.
Sarah: ls there anything I can do to help?
Yeah, stay away from the DIY manual.
- Sorry. - Ed: Hmm.
- Jesus! - Ed: You alright?
Oh, gosh, you gave me a fright. We have a visitor.
- Hello, mate. - Do you want a biscuit?
Sarah: He was in a bit of a hurry to get somewhere.
Ed: Yeah.
Probably going home to shag his sister.
- Ed! - What?
You know what these country folk are like.
If it isn't his mother it'll be his sister.
Or his pet lamb.
Do you want me to make supper?
Some idiot has blown the fuse box
so the cooker isn't working.
We're not going to have power until tomorrow.
What are we gonna do tonight then?
Well, I am gonna sit out back, I'm gonna drink some beer
and I'm gonna have sex under the stars.
I mean, you can join in if you like.
Ah.
- Can we not use the range? - You'll burn your ass, babe.
Maybe just for the cooking then?
Yeah, maybe. lf we can light it without burning the house down.
It's weird having no one else around.
Yeah.
- What are you doing? - You trust me?
No.
Do you trust me?
I suppose so.
- Sarah. - Undo your belt.
Get it out.
Do you want me to suck it?
I don't think that's the best way
to make wild country bumpkins...
Do you want me to suck your cock?
Yes.
Sarah.
Sarah?
Are you just gonna stand there perving
or are you gonna get undressed?
It depends.
What is there to get undressed for?
Oh, my God, you are taking that to the charity shop.
Fuck off.
- Give it here. - No.
Give it here, please.
Wow, my perfect woman.
I have to brush my teeth.
Will you have a look? Page four, curtains.
- Curtains. - Please.
Ed?
Ed,hon. Where are the toothbrushes?
I dunno.
Did you bring them in from the car? Ed?
No, I didn't bring them in from the car.
Baby, could you go out and get them for me
because it's a bit dark?
- Ed?
Ed?
Ed? I think there's someone outside
- hiding in the yard. - What are you talking about?
L just heard something making funny noises.
Sarah, we're in the country, alright?
Loads of things make funny noises.
It was probably a fox or an owl.
- No, this was something else. - Like what?
Like a crazy person making weird noises.
What kind of noises?
Just weird noises, I don't know.
It's probably a bear.
Are there bears in Scotland?
No, there are no bears in Scotland.
Honey, please just come back to bed.
I can't, not until you've had a look.
- Sarah. - Please.
Fuck.
- Fine. - Thank you.
Let's go.
Torch.
Right, so where did you see this... this creature?
It's over there. Yeah.
- What, in here? - No, it was behind that.
- What, behind the tractor? - No, it was behind the shed.
Will you be careful?
Nope.
I swear I saw something.
Well, there's nothing there now. Come on.
Come on, let's go back to bed.
Ed!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck, it's a pig!
- Oh, my God! - Fuck.
That is not...
- That is not funny. - Fuck.
Did you see that before and you didn't tell me?
No! No, of course I didn't, why would I do that?
Well, where did it come from?
Dunno.
- What? - What's that smell?
What?
Oh, babe.
What?
Have you shat yourself?
Come on.
Probably.
Ed. Ed, there's someone in the house.
- What? - There's someone in the house.
Listen.
Just go back to sleep, baby.
Did you hear that?
- Where are you going now? - Just wait.
Can you see anything?
No.
- Where are you going? - To have a look.
Hello?
Give me the torch.
What if there's somebody down there?
Then I'll tell them to... Get the fuck out of my house!
Ed: We've called the police.
Can you hear me?
Sarah, go to the bedroom, lock the door.
- Sarah, will you just please? - I'm not going without you.
Sarah: What is it?
The back door's open. Shit!
Hold that.
- Didn't you lock it? - You closed it.
- Did I? - Yeah.
- I must have forgotten. - So it just blew open?
Well, I guess it did.
Oh, come on, look. I'll make sure it's locked now, OK?
What if there is someone in there?
- There's no one in here. - How do you know?
- L just looked! - Not the front room.
- Look properly. Or upstairs. - Come on.
Do you really want me to do this?
Yeah, I do.
Do it.
OK. Well, come on then,
or do you want me to leave this open all night?
- Where did you put the key? - I didn't put the key anywhere.
Ed: OK.
Now do you want to lock it?
Ed?
Bastard!
Fee fi fo fum,
I smell the fear of an Englishwoman.
I don't like it, would you please stop it?
- Oh, and these are boobies. - Stop it!
Would you just stop it? Stop it!
Alright, Jesus. Just trying to have a bit of a laugh.
I'm sorry. It's not funny, OK?
Maybe we should go and find a B&B?
OK, OK, now you're just being silly.
Just for one night until we get the power sorted.
Sarah, it's past midnight.
There's not gonna be anywhere that's open.
Come here.
Now what are you doing?
I'm just gonna show people there's someone in the house.
Why?
It's been empty for almost a year, maybe it's been used.
BY Who?
Tramps. Or that kid, I mean, what was he doing here?
He was just some kid.
He's not gonna turn up in the middle of the night.
He'll be at home, sleeping in bed,
which is exactly what we should be doing.
I can't. I'm in a strange house, I'm scared.
Can't this bloody thing get brighter?
Because it's probably run out of gas.
And this strange house? This is our home now. Alright?
So you've just got to get used to it.
I hate it when you're like this.
It's not much fun for me either, thanks for being so considerate.
Yeah, same to you.
Asshole.
I saw some candles in the kitchen.
Babe, will you get them and put them in the windows?
Ed? Please.
If you want candles, you go and get them.
- I'm not going on my own. - I'm not going, full stop!
- I won't sleep. - Yeah, well, I will.
Ed, will you stop being such a selfish twat?
Oh, for fuck's sake.
No, you stay here.
I don't want to be here on my own.
Just get back into the bed. And stop being so stupid.
- I'm not being stupid. - Yes, you are.
You're being bloody stupid.
This is our first night in this house,
and this is how you're going on? Jesus Christ.
Oh. Thank you, God.
Thanks for getting the power back on, babe.
Ed?
Baby, this isn't funny anymore.
Ed, I know I've been a pain in the ass.
Please don't do this to me.
Ed?
Man: Shit.
She's gone out the window.
Man: She can't have gone far.
What have you done to Ed?
What have you done to my husband?
Come on! Get that fucking thing open!
Man: Look out the back.
Where do you think you're going?
Get her in here and get her fucking bagged.
Man: Anything?
Right, check the barn, I'm going around the back.
- Alright. - Man 2: OK, man.
Come on. Come on. Come on!
- See anything? - Nah.
Man 2: So much for the big man's plan.
Man 1: You go and take a look in the woods.
- Man 2: What about the big man? - Man 1: Let me worry about him.
Man: Foxy, you find anything?
Foxy: Found a wee rag with blood on it.
Man: Keep looking.
I'll get the lads to set up a perimeter.
Alright.
Sarah: Ed.
Sarah: Bastards.
Man: Hello. Good girl.
Do you want to kiss her? Yeah?
Go on, give her a fucking smacker.
Oh! You don't want to kiss my baby?
Man: Poor piggy-
Now she's gonna gnaw your fucking balls off, mate.
Baby, baby-
- Are you OK? Are you OK? - Yes.
Did they hurt you?
It's OK, please just...
My hands.
They're too tight, Ed. You've got to stay still.
Please, you'll cut your hands.
- Hurry. - I'm trying to find something.
- Ed: Hurry. - Sarah: Fuck!
OK, baby.
Stay still.
Man: Kenny, you've left the bleeding lights on, you muppet.
- Jesus!
Fucking bitch! Come on!
You're gonna pay for that! Come on! Come on!
Let's go.
The keys, the keys, the Land Rover. He's got them.
Shit, Ed. They're coming. We have to be quick.
Fuck. Fuck! I can't find them.
He has them on him, just try the shelf.
- Ed: Shit, they're not here. - Hurry.
Sarah.
- I can't walk. - I've got you.
I've got you.
Go, go.
Come on.
Hey, hey! Help.
Let's go. Go.
- Fuck! - Come on.
They're not far behind.
- I'm slowing us down. - Come on.
We've just got to keep on going, Sarah, please.
- I can't. - Listen to me, come on.
Get down.
OK, this is what we're gonna do.
You're gonna stay here, under cover.
What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna run up on ahead, and I'm gonna distract them.
- No... - Listen, listen to me, please.
When you know it's safe, you run up that way,
and keep on going until you hit the dirt road.
You know the one we came in on?
At the end of that, there's the main road. I'll meet you there.
OK, OK, OK. Keep still.
This way, we've got a chance.
I love you.
What are we gonna do about Kenny?
Did you see his face? They smashed it in.
Shh.
Man 1: You hear that?
Man 2: We need to make these bastards pay.
Man 1: We need to catch them first.
Now shut the fuck up.
Over here!
Come on, you fat bastard, keep up.
Looky, looky.
I know you're out here. Do you think I'm stupid?
Bloody bugger, you should be in your bed.
You'll be in trouble with your mammy.
Where do you think you're going?
You're gonna crawl back across the border,
is that what you're gonna do? You're not going anywhere.
This is for Kenny, you English bastard.
What the fuck are you playing at?
I'm gonna fucking do him for Kenny.
- Give me that thing. - What about my brother?
What have I told you? Stick to the plan.
- The plan's fucked. - No, it's not.
We catch them, then get rid of them.
For fuck's sake!
Fuck!
Ed: Fuck off!
Easy, boy. Easy now.
Get him bagged!
No. No! No! No!
Ed!
Baby.
Snaps)
Can you show me how to get to the road?
Please?
Hey, how far is it now?
Ed?
Ed!
Where the fuck is he?
What the fuck have you done to him?
Shh. It's over.
We're gonna be doing a bit of work up the top there.
- Guys, have a look at this. - What's that?
Show these guys. Hey, guys. Have a look at this.
Look at that. That's your Grandpa Willy, aye.
Hey, you're OK. You're OK. You're OK. You're alright.