1 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:15,000 1 00: 00: 06,414 -> 00: 00: 11,414 2 00:00:33,943 --> 00:00:36,279 I'm from American Samoa. 3 00:00:37,780 --> 00:00:42,368 American Samoa, like, breeding land for military forces. 4 00:00:44,329 --> 00:00:49,290 Joining the military almost brings the same principle to my culture: 5 00:00:49,292 --> 00:00:51,711 duty, respect, honor. 6 00:00:54,839 --> 00:00:57,383 I want to follow in my family's footsteps. 7 00:01:01,054 --> 00:01:04,766 They really don't want us to join, but here we are, joining. 8 00:01:05,892 --> 00:01:10,188 And, we really can see why they don't want us to join. 9 00:01:12,232 --> 00:01:14,526 Actually, uh, it sucks. 10 00:01:16,986 --> 00:01:19,862 I was placed in Afghanistan several times, 11 00:01:19,864 --> 00:01:22,492 to be in all of Afghanistan. 12 00:01:23,827 --> 00:01:25,203 Mm-hmm. 13 00:01:26,037 --> 00:01:29,288 That's on, uh, & apos; 08, & apos; 09, 14 00:01:29,290 --> 00:01:33,169 and the IED that meant for us... exploded. 15 00:01:34,671 --> 00:01:36,673 And we rushed to help. 16 00:01:38,550 --> 00:01:41,926 The, uh, vehicle involved 17 00:01:41,928 --> 00:01:44,681 finally became my friend vehicle. 18 00:01:46,015 --> 00:01:49,851 My friend is fighting stuck in the vehicle, 19 00:01:49,853 --> 00:01:52,687 and there is no way to get it out. 20 00:01:52,689 --> 00:01:55,398 There is fire around it, 21 00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:58,484 and we can first turn it off, 22 00:01:58,486 --> 00:02:00,905 and then the second time, we can't. 23 00:02:03,032 --> 00:02:05,493 And the second time is when he wakes up. 24 00:02:07,245 --> 00:02:09,831 And we have to listen to him scream. 25 00:02:15,503 --> 00:02:20,383 The worst voice you have ever had for your soldiers to listen. 26 00:02:26,931 --> 00:02:28,391 I need a break. 27 00:02:31,144 --> 00:02:34,520 People have told me, "Sergeant A.V., you need help." 28 00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:39,400 But not until I cuffed my first sergeant... 29 00:02:39,402 --> 00:02:41,527 I don't remember doing this, but I patted it 30 00:02:41,529 --> 00:02:43,404 and throw it in the corner. 31 00:02:43,406 --> 00:02:46,032 And not until I come and ask him, 32 00:02:46,034 --> 00:02:49,287 "What are you doing there?" And he said, uh... 33 00:02:50,580 --> 00:02:54,209 "You did this to me, you jerk." And me, like, "Oh." 34 00:02:55,960 --> 00:03:01,508 That's when I realized, "Well, shoot. Yes, okay, I got a problem." 35 00:03:03,051 --> 00:03:04,677 PTSD. 36 00:03:07,013 --> 00:03:10,181 That's actually the reason I avoided the place, 37 00:03:10,183 --> 00:03:12,767 Because I don't want people to see me as, 38 00:03:12,769 --> 00:03:15,353 "Oh, there is that crazy vet." You know? 39 00:03:15,355 --> 00:03:17,273 I'm not crazy, it's just... 40 00:03:18,900 --> 00:03:21,694 certain things happen to... I have no control at all. 41 00:03:23,822 --> 00:03:27,534 I feel a little... used. 42 00:03:29,911 --> 00:03:33,871 And I understand that the military must continue to spin. 43 00:03:33,873 --> 00:03:37,333 But I also feel that they should take care of people... 44 00:03:37,335 --> 00:03:40,004 that... they broke up. 45 00:03:42,006 --> 00:03:44,132 There is an appointment... 46 00:03:44,134 --> 00:03:46,676 that if we give everything, 47 00:03:46,678 --> 00:03:50,429 that they will ensure that we are well taken care of. 48 00:03:50,431 --> 00:03:52,058 And I don't feel that. 49 00:04:02,944 --> 00:04:05,987 We haven't finished yet is collaborative poetry 50 00:04:05,989 --> 00:04:09,782 from various branches military: 51 00:04:09,784 --> 00:04:12,702 Army, Air Force, 52 00:04:12,704 --> 00:04:14,537 Marines, 53 00:04:14,539 --> 00:04:16,289 Navy. 54 00:04:16,291 --> 00:04:18,374 Veteran, active. 55 00:04:18,376 --> 00:04:21,627 And we talk about different trauma, 56 00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:25,882 let everyone know that this is something that might happen to us, 57 00:04:25,884 --> 00:04:28,676 but we haven't finished yet. 58 00:04:28,678 --> 00:04:30,720 We still have a lot to say, 59 00:04:30,722 --> 00:04:32,807 and we still have a lot to do. 60 00:04:35,852 --> 00:04:40,062 A.V. has this idea to find a way to talk about 61 00:04:40,064 --> 00:04:42,356 PTSD in the military. 62 00:04:42,358 --> 00:04:48,613 And We Didn't Do It But the way brought the community together. 63 00:04:48,615 --> 00:04:51,199 All of us will go through 64 00:04:51,201 --> 00:04:54,786 different phases dealing with trauma. 65 00:04:54,788 --> 00:04:56,579 We all met through Seema, 66 00:04:56,581 --> 00:04:58,539 like, doing the writing workshop. 67 00:04:58,541 --> 00:05:01,501 So, three options to think about... 68 00:05:01,503 --> 00:05:04,629 We have a group of veterans, and active service members 69 00:05:04,631 --> 00:05:08,508 who gather regularly to write and share their stories, 70 00:05:08,510 --> 00:05:11,385 and, through that process, comes to see overlap 71 00:05:11,387 --> 00:05:14,430 between their individuals experience trauma, 72 00:05:14,432 --> 00:05:16,724 and decided to write a collaborative poem 73 00:05:16,726 --> 00:05:18,351 and turning it into a show. 74 00:05:18,353 --> 00:05:20,978 "Erase aggression, enter pen..." 75 00:05:20,980 --> 00:05:25,900 We want to explain it there are many more 76 00:05:25,902 --> 00:05:29,487 military stories rather than photographing people. 77 00:05:29,489 --> 00:05:32,990 And there are all these things that people face 78 00:05:32,992 --> 00:05:36,079 in between, like, bullets and Band-Aids. 79 00:05:41,709 --> 00:05:45,962 Our line will be "Every day I..." 80 00:05:45,964 --> 00:05:48,214 "I used to believe..." 81 00:05:48,216 --> 00:05:50,466 "On the horizon..." 82 00:05:50,468 --> 00:05:54,512 "And maybe there will never be enough... 83 00:05:54,514 --> 00:05:56,889 This poem is not..." 84 00:05:56,891 --> 00:05:59,976 Collaborative poetry is a beginning group 85 00:05:59,978 --> 00:06:02,395 ask us to fill in the blank with. 86 00:06:02,397 --> 00:06:04,522 And that allows us... 87 00:06:04,524 --> 00:06:07,692 really reaches the whole spectrum of trauma as a whole. 88 00:06:07,694 --> 00:06:10,071 "I used to believe..." A.V., you want to start? 89 00:06:11,114 --> 00:06:15,950 "I used to believe that there was respect for the things I did." 90 00:06:15,952 --> 00:06:17,994 "These hands... 91 00:06:17,996 --> 00:06:20,913 " Congratulations and life given, carrying a newborn baby, 92 00:06:20,915 --> 00:06:23,875 "Taking chemotherapy pills, bringing a plate full of love 93 00:06:23,877 --> 00:06:25,751 on a cold day." 94 00:06:25,753 --> 00:06:29,130 "On the horizon is the missing point. 95 00:06:29,132 --> 00:06:33,885 "And maybe if I can achieve it, all these old sounds can be calm. 96 00:06:33,887 --> 00:06:35,970 " Maybe I can stop, 97 00:06:35,972 --> 00:06:39,765 taking space in this case body is dangerous, not right. 98 00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:43,354 On the horizon, I want to look for something that is hopeful. " 99 00:06:50,695 --> 00:06:53,031 - That's very good. - That's amazing. I think it's pretty good. 100 00:06:54,491 --> 00:06:56,284 Um... " On the horizon, 101 00:06:58,620 --> 00:07:01,662 the future looks bleak. " 102 00:07:01,664 --> 00:07:04,167 Uh... 103 00:07:05,543 --> 00:07:07,210 Everyone includes their pieces what are their struggles, and... 104 00:07:07,212 --> 00:07:10,963 all lines there means something different 105 00:07:10,965 --> 00:07:14,467 to people who say and to all of us. 106 00:07:14,469 --> 00:07:19,388 "These hands are not." 107 00:07:19,390 --> 00:07:21,432 "These hands are very loved and killed, have caused pain. " 108 00:07:21,434 --> 00:07:24,519 " I'm just me, a woman, a girl, 109 00:07:24,521 --> 00:07:28,231 110 00:07:28,233 --> 00:07:31,275 a writer, a survivor. " 111 00:07:31,277 --> 00:07:34,489 " His son was once strong, is now half hidden and embarrassed. 112 00:07:35,698 --> 00:07:38,825 He saw me and was helpless. " 113 00:07:38,827 --> 00:07:42,954 " This land is made of eggshells... fertilizer is fragile but good... 114 00:07:42,956 --> 00:07:46,082 "Bones, and dreams dying free men, 115 00:07:46,084 --> 00:07:49,379 decay all grow from is my land." 116 00:07:50,797 --> 00:07:53,714 - That's really cool. - That's pretty good. 117 00:07:53,716 --> 00:07:56,175 There's a lot there, um... 118 00:07:56,177 --> 00:07:58,553 - Many on canvas, you know? - Mm-hmm. 119 00:07:58,555 --> 00:08:02,598 In the Superbowl we will fly the F16 over, and everyone is in a hurry. 120 00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:06,018 A service member will be recognized, will stand up, we will applaud. 121 00:08:06,020 --> 00:08:09,021 And then the match continues. That's one side. 122 00:08:09,023 --> 00:08:11,190 The other side you need... 123 00:08:11,192 --> 00:08:13,067 placed on stage 124 00:08:13,069 --> 00:08:14,944 as big, bright 125 00:08:14,946 --> 00:08:18,990 is a story about the effects of war 126 00:08:18,992 --> 00:08:22,201 in humans who received the call. 127 00:08:22,203 --> 00:08:25,163 I met some people from the Pentagon, asked if there was a road 128 00:08:25,165 --> 00:08:27,623 what I can get is more closely involved. 129 00:08:27,625 --> 00:08:29,917 They introduced me to Seema, 130 00:08:29,919 --> 00:08:33,087 who told me that they have this idea to use 131 00:08:33,089 --> 00:08:36,757 a gradual reading of the work they have written. 132 00:08:36,759 --> 00:08:39,469 Seema comes in and says Jeffrey Wright is coming. 133 00:08:39,471 --> 00:08:44,265 And I, like, "Okay, he knows a lot of more stuff than we do in this area." 134 00:08:44,267 --> 00:08:47,977 So, go from "These hands no..." to "First, you must know..." 135 00:08:47,979 --> 00:08:50,938 Everything is together, please okay? 136 00:08:50,940 --> 00:08:52,899 One two. 137 00:08:52,901 --> 00:08:56,068 - "These hands are not..." - Great, then. 138 00:08:56,070 --> 00:08:59,280 "First, you must know, there is there is no easy way through this." 139 00:08:59,282 --> 00:09:03,034 What's in bait, just say it once. 140 00:09:03,036 --> 00:09:05,536 "My mother also suffered." 141 00:09:05,538 --> 00:09:07,079 Whatever ideas you have, 142 00:09:07,081 --> 00:09:08,998 any thoughts, concerns you have, please share, 143 00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:12,335 because you really are, you know, the guiding force behind all this. 144 00:09:12,337 --> 00:09:15,213 In my head, I imagine we are all out there, 145 00:09:15,215 --> 00:09:19,133 and then, the light shines whoever speaks at that moment. 146 00:09:19,135 --> 00:09:21,511 We go places, that's the point, you know? 147 00:09:21,513 --> 00:09:27,141 From cancer, to fighting... domestic violence, for rape. 148 00:09:27,143 --> 00:09:31,187 Something that has, like, a general threads what we want 149 00:09:31,189 --> 00:09:33,898 to summarize everything together, I think it will be very helpful. 150 00:09:33,900 --> 00:09:35,858 There might be an order 151 00:09:35,860 --> 00:09:39,779 152 00:09:39,781 --> 00:09:42,990 153 00:09:42,992 --> 00:09:45,954 154 00:09:48,081 --> 00:09:51,040 155 00:09:51,042 --> 00:09:53,209 156 00:09:53,211 --> 00:09:55,586 157 00:09:55,588 --> 00:09:57,090 158 00:10:05,849 --> 00:10:09,058 159 00:10:09,060 --> 00:10:11,896 160 00:10:13,523 --> 00:10:15,773 161 00:10:15,775 --> 00:10:17,441 162 00:10:17,443 --> 00:10:20,194 163 00:10:20,196 --> 00:10:22,822 164 00:10:22,824 --> 00:10:25,366 165 00:10:25,368 --> 00:10:27,827 166 00:10:27,829 --> 00:10:29,370 167 00:10:29,372 --> 00:10:33,291 - My Marine Corps brain, can't... - I understand. 168 00:10:33,293 --> 00:10:36,752 When you are lining up in, you just don't like... 169 00:10:36,754 --> 00:10:40,173 So, you want us to turn left and you want us to move forward, 170 00:10:40,175 --> 00:10:43,593 and there are special orders for that. 171 00:10:43,595 --> 00:10:47,597 Forward Mars. Ready to stop. Left face. 172 00:10:47,599 --> 00:10:50,892 Forward Mars. One step, one step. There is... 173 00:10:50,894 --> 00:10:53,144 But do it, just like... 174 00:10:53,146 --> 00:10:56,147 We took it, but we didn't even do it right. 175 00:10:56,149 --> 00:10:59,108 Or is it the color guard style, then there are only two people. 176 00:10:59,110 --> 00:11:02,195 Like, for example, you are on our side, and then... 177 00:11:02,197 --> 00:11:05,531 - Yes That calmly calls it. -... quietly said it. Right. 178 00:11:05,533 --> 00:11:10,453 Is there a way you, together, can determine how to make the idea work for you? 179 00:11:10,455 --> 00:11:12,538 Steps to freeze? Or one step, then just... 180 00:11:12,540 --> 00:11:15,625 What are you thinking, A.V.? 181 00:11:15,627 --> 00:11:17,460 I like one step then just walk. 182 00:11:17,462 --> 00:11:22,673 Let's try it. Line up here, I will stay here. 183 00:11:22,675 --> 00:11:27,347 Well, the first thing I want from you What to do is, uh, take that full step. 184 00:11:28,556 --> 00:11:32,977 Left... left. OK? 185 00:11:36,940 --> 00:11:39,025 Ready, stop. 186 00:11:40,401 --> 00:11:42,068 Left... face. 187 00:11:42,070 --> 00:11:44,280 Oh, sorry, I'm sorry. Middle face. 188 00:11:45,156 --> 00:11:47,116 One step forward, line up. 189 00:11:48,493 --> 00:11:51,077 - Okay, then you guys... - Boom. Yes, thank you. 190 00:11:51,079 --> 00:11:52,956 That's all the structure I need. 191 00:11:56,251 --> 00:11:57,919 - Is it better? - That's great, friend. 192 00:12:04,759 --> 00:12:07,426 "I've swallowed so much." 193 00:12:07,428 --> 00:12:10,054 "I have swallowed so many parts of me." 194 00:12:10,056 --> 00:12:13,266 "So many of your glasses you know my name." 195 00:12:13,268 --> 00:12:18,604 "I have swallowed so many damn pills, My blood type is benzo." 196 00:12:18,606 --> 00:12:23,653 "I have touched love, felt faith and then cleaned it with assignments. " I lost sight of heaven, found solace in hell. 197 00:12:24,654 --> 00:12:28,823 "In the mirror, I killed the angel 198 00:12:28,825 --> 00:12:31,576 to make room for the devil." 199 00:12:31,578 --> 00:12:33,663 When I was young, I always wanted to be 200 00:12:37,459 --> 00:12:39,333 part of such a group. 201 00:12:39,335 --> 00:12:41,171 Is that a bad group friends or whatever, 202 00:12:42,130 --> 00:12:44,255 I want to attach to something, 203 00:12:44,257 --> 00:12:46,342 and the military really can provide that for me. 204 00:12:47,260 --> 00:12:49,929 I have eight rotations: 205 00:12:54,434 --> 00:12:56,517 three to Iraq and four to Afghanistan and one other place. 206 00:12:56,519 --> 00:13:00,064 Bam! 207 00:13:01,149 --> 00:13:02,525 I really don't remember thinking of my family 208 00:13:03,359 --> 00:13:07,403 when I left. 209 00:13:07,405 --> 00:13:09,155 210 00:13:09,157 --> 00:13:14,452 But there was a point when my ex-wife left, took my daughter. 211 00:13:14,454 --> 00:13:17,874 And once that happens, my daughter becomes my main focus. 212 00:13:19,250 --> 00:13:21,628 I see a difference in me. 213 00:13:23,421 --> 00:13:26,464 Until then, I bought a stigma 214 00:13:26,466 --> 00:13:29,803 any type of mental illness is weakness. 215 00:13:31,179 --> 00:13:33,179 PTSD is a term that... 216 00:13:33,181 --> 00:13:36,599 I never like to hear it. I don't like to read it. 217 00:13:36,601 --> 00:13:39,060 And I see it all in this medical record and document 218 00:13:39,062 --> 00:13:40,728 which I have experienced for passing recently, 219 00:13:40,730 --> 00:13:43,858 like, you know, I'm getting closer to the transition out. 220 00:13:46,569 --> 00:13:49,070 I already got myself in a situation that... 221 00:13:49,072 --> 00:13:51,324 doesn't deserve a soldier. 222 00:13:52,784 --> 00:13:55,451 I was driving back from New York, dropped my daughter, 223 00:13:55,453 --> 00:14:00,500 and my ex-fiance this recipe for Adderall. 224 00:14:01,793 --> 00:14:04,585 He said, "Hey, this helps me stay awake." 225 00:14:04,587 --> 00:14:07,549 I don't know it will cause me to test positive for a drug test. 226 00:14:11,010 --> 00:14:13,761 Today, I will attend my hearing board of separators, 227 00:14:13,763 --> 00:14:17,557 where they will decide whether to defend me in the military, 228 00:14:17,559 --> 00:14:21,146 so I can do my medical retirement, or separate me. 229 00:14:23,481 --> 00:14:26,858 I really want to be maintained like that I can do medical pensions. 230 00:14:26,860 --> 00:14:30,822 Or, at least, a respectable debit that my daughter can get G.I. Bill. 231 00:14:40,331 --> 00:14:42,500 See? I told you, the courthouse. 232 00:14:44,335 --> 00:14:46,212 Let's solve this problem. 233 00:15:09,235 --> 00:15:12,780 I want to throw my fist this damn window now. 234 00:15:21,289 --> 00:15:22,749 Son, oh, kid. 235 00:15:26,252 --> 00:15:29,420 Their decision is to separate me for public, besides honorable, conditions. 236 00:15:29,422 --> 00:15:32,673 237 00:15:32,675 --> 00:15:36,594 So now, I can't medical pension. 238 00:15:36,596 --> 00:15:38,930 What pisses me off is that they can't have courtesy 239 00:15:38,932 --> 00:15:41,432 to, at the very least, give my child tuition. 240 00:15:41,434 --> 00:15:44,018 Do you know what I mean? Like, you don't have to give me medical treatment. 241 00:15:44,020 --> 00:15:46,105 But my daughter's tuition... 242 00:15:47,774 --> 00:15:51,526 So you told me that these 12 years and the things I have gone through 243 00:15:51,528 --> 00:15:54,781 worthless my daughter's college funds? 244 00:15:57,242 --> 00:16:01,371 This is not the way I imagine going out of the military. 245 00:16:02,997 --> 00:16:04,872 "This is my new reality, 246 00:16:04,874 --> 00:16:07,585 " gave birth to my undeniable history. 247 00:16:08,711 --> 00:16:11,504 "I have touched the lives of hundreds of people. 248 00:16:11,506 --> 00:16:13,631 " Not only those who are within arm's reach. 249 00:16:13,633 --> 00:16:18,388 I have gone further, far beyond my scope, to my scope. " 250 00:16:20,181 --> 00:16:22,098 I really feel it. 251 00:16:22,100 --> 00:16:27,270 You touch life with your scope, and then you take life with that scope. 252 00:16:27,272 --> 00:16:30,066 - That's real, you know? - Mm-hmm. 253 00:16:31,526 --> 00:16:35,486 Once, after you commit to pull the trigger, 254 00:16:35,488 --> 00:16:38,072 that's the hardest thing in the world. 255 00:16:38,074 --> 00:16:40,366 At the other end of the scope, 256 00:16:40,368 --> 00:16:44,579 there may be good men, good children. 257 00:16:44,581 --> 00:16:47,039 She's probably a good woman. 258 00:16:47,041 --> 00:16:49,417 Most Americans are unconscious that's when we have this theoretical thing 259 00:16:49,419 --> 00:16:52,837 from you going to war, you go and fight that they ask people to do these things. 260 00:16:52,839 --> 00:16:55,506 We won't talk about it congratulations la-la-land, 261 00:16:55,508 --> 00:16:59,093 the story of a happy soldier, 262 00:16:59,095 --> 00:17:01,095 like, we will talk to you about some real shit. 263 00:17:01,097 --> 00:17:02,722 Mm-hmm. 264 00:17:02,724 --> 00:17:05,308 265 00:17:05,310 --> 00:17:07,018 266 00:17:07,020 --> 00:17:09,606 A.V., do you want to do yours? 267 00:17:15,361 --> 00:17:17,904 "I really love which is... heroic...... 268 00:17:17,906 --> 00:17:19,530 Heroic? 269 00:17:19,532 --> 00:17:22,408 "... makes you believe, hasn't been trusted, 270 00:17:22,410 --> 00:17:24,994 "trivial, dirty and vulgar story 271 00:17:24,996 --> 00:17:28,998 " from my own crew one-top man. 272 00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,250 "I like long and endless drives. " I like to see goats, occasionally camels. 273 00:17:31,252 --> 00:17:34,128 I like to see children playing on the ground. " 274 00:17:34,130 --> 00:17:36,132 " I like old bearded men, 275 00:17:44,599 --> 00:17:46,810 "Cellphone in right hand, 276 00:17:48,603 --> 00:17:51,354 " Waving or goodbye 277 00:17:51,356 --> 00:17:53,815 "with his left hand when he passed. 278 00:17:53,817 --> 00:17:56,859 " His damn right hand. 279 00:17:56,861 --> 00:17:59,781 I like this place. " 280 00:18:00,782 --> 00:18:02,742 " This poem is not who I am. " 281 00:18:03,785 --> 00:18:06,663 Your flow is very good, but when you're good struggles with the word" heroic ", 282 00:18:09,249 --> 00:18:13,126 283 00:18:13,128 --> 00:18:16,254 it's something a lot struggle with veterans. 284 00:18:16,256 --> 00:18:18,756 You know when they say, "Oh, you are a hero," this or that. 285 00:18:18,758 --> 00:18:23,970 So it's really painful, honest, and very real. 286 00:18:23,972 --> 00:18:26,139 We have a whole generation of people 287 00:18:26,141 --> 00:18:28,641 whose story is their shame and guilt. 288 00:18:28,643 --> 00:18:31,853 Everything I see is your story, or someone else's, 289 00:18:31,855 --> 00:18:34,105 is the fact that you still stand in front of me. That's hope. 290 00:18:34,107 --> 00:18:35,525 mm 291 00:18:36,401 --> 00:18:39,360 There are four main emotions related to trauma: 292 00:18:39,362 --> 00:18:42,613 anger, sadness, fear, and shame. 293 00:18:42,615 --> 00:18:45,992 Anger, sadness, and fear of having physical the way they leave our body, 294 00:18:45,994 --> 00:18:49,203 but shame needs this community 295 00:18:49,205 --> 00:18:53,374 who do you show your true self and who receives you. 296 00:18:53,376 --> 00:18:57,714 Soldiers release lightning news, Military Sexual Trauma on the Resurrection. 297 00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:01,217 Do they see me now? " 298 00:19:03,303 --> 00:19:06,014 I am a clinical laboratory officer in the United States Army. 299 00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:12,268 We take care of soldiers and their family members . I am a 100% disabled veteran. I suffer from PTSD, bipolar, traumatic brain injury. My first trauma in the military early in my career, 300 00:19:12,270 --> 00:19:16,814 I am not _ when I drew this person's blood. So, I went and told one of them supervisor. And the person said, 301 00:19:16,816 --> 00:19:18,818 "Do you know this man? has served well? 302 00:19:20,111 --> 00:19:23,446 303 00:19:23,448 --> 00:19:28,161 304 00:19:29,496 --> 00:19:32,874 305 00:19:33,750 --> 00:19:38,421 306 00:19:39,339 --> 00:19:43,633 307 00:19:43,635 --> 00:19:46,803 308 00:19:46,805 --> 00:19:50,934 And do you understand the consequences of what you say? " 309 00:19:53,728 --> 00:19:56,646 I saluted him and walked out. He told me that I was not valued as a soldier, 310 00:19:56,648 --> 00:19:59,774 and he told me I was not valued as a woman. 311 00:19:59,776 --> 00:20:02,403 I was raped... 312 00:20:04,197 --> 00:20:07,156 several times since that initial event. 313 00:20:07,158 --> 00:20:10,118 That's the only time I've ever told you. 314 00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:12,038 What did I say for? 315 00:20:13,790 --> 00:20:15,375 At that time, I became very hard. 316 00:20:17,710 --> 00:20:20,962 Because if I would survive, . I have to be hard. 317 00:20:20,964 --> 00:20:24,173 My military duty to take is prioritized on motherhood. 318 00:20:24,175 --> 00:20:28,427 My children have a training sergeant. ensure that they are dressed. 319 00:20:28,429 --> 00:20:30,763 There are no caregivers. 320 00:20:30,765 --> 00:20:33,975 321 00:20:33,977 --> 00:20:35,768 322 00:20:35,770 --> 00:20:37,814 323 00:20:38,940 --> 00:20:40,481 The woman you saw today 324 00:20:40,483 --> 00:20:43,693 very different from people who grow up with me. 325 00:20:43,695 --> 00:20:46,404 There are a lot of things that happened that didn't allow my mother to really attend as much as he wants. 326 00:20:46,406 --> 00:20:50,241 My son said, "You fought for something that didn't fight for you. He said, " You're willing to die for the military, 327 00:20:50,243 --> 00:20:53,911 and they won't even do it helps make you stay alive. " 328 00:20:53,913 --> 00:20:55,955 That's really the moment where I started my healing journey. I remember the first time that I did on stage, 329 00:20:55,957 --> 00:20:58,042 and my children were in the audience. I stood on that stage, and I put it there. And they don't look down with shame, 330 00:20:59,878 --> 00:21:04,048 they raise their heads and they're like, 331 00:21:05,258 --> 00:21:09,010 332 00:21:09,012 --> 00:21:11,512 333 00:21:11,514 --> 00:21:15,725 334 00:21:15,727 --> 00:21:17,894 335 00:21:17,896 --> 00:21:20,229 336 00:21:20,231 --> 00:21:23,359 "That's my mother." And I told you... 337 00:21:32,827 --> 00:21:35,661 This is influenced by the feeling of being silenced by military culture, 338 00:21:35,663 --> 00:21:37,455 and the way of the story censored sexual assault. 339 00:21:37,457 --> 00:21:42,629 I go to VA, and seven times out ten, the person behind the desk is like, 340 00:21:45,673 --> 00:21:50,802 "Well, you know, you have to have it related service defects to be seen here." 341 00:21:50,804 --> 00:21:53,805 I have... service-connected disability at a fairly high percentage. 342 00:21:53,807 --> 00:21:56,265 The main justification for my disability is PTSD, 343 00:21:56,267 --> 00:22:01,731 related to sexual assault. 344 00:22:02,816 --> 00:22:07,735 I, then, must, every time I go to receive medical treatment, 345 00:22:07,737 --> 00:22:10,488 using my sexual assault as, like, badge 346 00:22:10,490 --> 00:22:15,118 that's why I'm included here, and how I have the right to get medical treatment. 347 00:22:15,120 --> 00:22:19,122 348 00:22:19,124 --> 00:22:24,838 349 00:22:26,965 --> 00:22:30,216 I work inpatient psychiatric unit. 350 00:22:30,218 --> 00:22:36,514 People come there if they are active in suicide, suicide or psychotic. 351 00:22:36,516 --> 00:22:40,852 My school I visited was two and a half months. 352 00:22:40,854 --> 00:22:44,647 You place 18-year-old children two and a half months of training 353 00:22:44,649 --> 00:22:46,816 in a situation where they may have to is responsible for ensuring someone's safety. 354 00:22:46,818 --> 00:22:49,735 It's not about, like, changing people's lives, or healing anyone. 355 00:22:49,737 --> 00:22:53,614 It's about keeping government commodities producing until they cannot produce again. 356 00:22:53,616 --> 00:22:56,534 And you have to advocate for yourself, and that's really 357 00:22:56,536 --> 00:22:58,913 difficult things to do, especially with sexual attacks 358 00:23:00,081 --> 00:23:03,458 because that is something undermines your trust 359 00:23:03,460 --> 00:23:06,627 from your own eligibility. 360 00:23:06,629 --> 00:23:10,089 361 00:23:10,091 --> 00:23:12,341 362 00:23:12,343 --> 00:23:16,139 And the military will really know you to suck it up and the army. 363 00:23:17,765 --> 00:23:21,392 "Certain types of calm death rather than peace. " In your search for peace, 364 00:23:21,394 --> 00:23:22,935 try to make sure You don't sit still in death. " 365 00:23:22,937 --> 00:23:26,647 Left, right on left, right on left, right on left. " It's been 25 years. 366 00:23:26,649 --> 00:23:32,195 "I joined the Army, I took an oath 367 00:23:32,197 --> 00:23:34,906 to protect and defend the constitution from the United States." 368 00:23:34,908 --> 00:23:37,742 Is it appropriate for you to pay homage to him when he gets there? 369 00:23:37,744 --> 00:23:41,996 When he passes you, you like... 370 00:23:41,998 --> 00:23:45,333 -... or when he hit the podium. - That is good. 371 00:23:45,335 --> 00:23:47,001 Right. When he gets to the podium, everyone's booming, right? 372 00:23:47,003 --> 00:23:49,295 So, like, is right here in this paint. 373 00:23:49,297 --> 00:23:52,967 That would be the right place. 374 00:23:59,682 --> 00:24:01,724 375 00:24:01,726 --> 00:24:04,477 376 00:24:04,479 --> 00:24:08,022 Joe, wait until you hear the music, right? 377 00:24:08,024 --> 00:24:09,734 Then start moving. 378 00:24:16,074 --> 00:24:18,616 "This fist is a hammer. 379 00:24:18,618 --> 00:24:21,994 " Fingers as claws try unbend and pull out nails 380 00:24:21,996 --> 00:24:24,914 "from things that you no longer want to keep together. " Boxing is complicated. 381 00:24:24,916 --> 00:24:27,416 "This fist, bones wrapped in skin are so tight, the knuckles are red. 382 00:24:27,418 --> 00:24:31,254 But this fist can be folded." 383 00:24:31,256 --> 00:24:33,800 "Erase aggression, enter pen. 384 00:24:36,845 --> 00:24:40,138 " Ball-peen transplant with ballpoint 385 00:24:40,140 --> 00:24:42,682 "until the grip of your palm 386 00:24:42,684 --> 00:24:44,725 " turns into fur. 387 00:24:44,727 --> 00:24:46,394 "Know that this fist can wrap 388 00:24:46,396 --> 00:24:48,604 " Flowers are as easy as a pistol grip, 389 00:24:48,606 --> 00:24:50,731 "and that's sometimes left hand interest, 390 00:24:50,733 --> 00:24:53,401 grip right hand gun." 391 00:24:53,403 --> 00:24:55,905 I have a good friend, from high school, 392 00:24:58,575 --> 00:25:01,868 who was killed in Ramadi. 393 00:25:01,870 --> 00:25:03,955 394 00:25:05,373 --> 00:25:08,040 I watched his mother cry 395 00:25:08,042 --> 00:25:10,960 on the front page for two and a half days. 396 00:25:10,962 --> 00:25:12,879 And I joined the Marine Corps to try to prevent mothers from lying on the front page. 397 00:25:12,881 --> 00:25:15,508 I have been in the Marine Corps for 10 years. 398 00:25:17,093 --> 00:25:19,302 I went to Afghanistan. 399 00:25:19,304 --> 00:25:21,596 Supports Iraq. 400 00:25:21,598 --> 00:25:24,056 And medically retired. 401 00:25:24,058 --> 00:25:26,769 Now, I'm a visual artist. 402 00:25:28,062 --> 00:25:29,814 It is difficult to overcome and do normal human goods if you wear it trauma on your sleeve. 403 00:25:33,610 --> 00:25:37,403 When I first returned from Afghanistan, my father was like, 404 00:25:37,405 --> 00:25:40,241 "Hey, if you want to talk, we are here for you." 405 00:25:41,659 --> 00:25:45,620 But it never makes sense, like, 406 00:25:45,622 --> 00:25:48,498 "Hey, Daddy, I watched people burn to death. 407 00:25:48,500 --> 00:25:51,083 Also, can you pass mashed potatoes?" 408 00:25:51,085 --> 00:25:53,795 409 00:25:53,797 --> 00:25:56,130 410 00:25:56,132 --> 00:25:58,760 Or like, how do you start this conversation? 411 00:26:03,348 --> 00:26:06,015 When you walk around, and suddenly, 412 00:26:06,017 --> 00:26:07,975 for reasons that you can't explain at that time, 413 00:26:07,977 --> 00:26:11,103 You feel an emotional response for something... 414 00:26:11,105 --> 00:26:13,773 is it, like, an alarm sounds, 415 00:26:13,775 --> 00:26:15,858 or the rocks crunch in the wrong way, 416 00:26:15,860 --> 00:26:20,365 and that makes something disappear if your head. And so on... 417 00:26:22,867 --> 00:26:27,997 So now, you are stuck with this feel that you cannot explain. 418 00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:33,419 What's wrong, friend? Are you okay? 419 00:26:36,756 --> 00:26:39,173 Want to sit down, please? 420 00:26:39,175 --> 00:26:40,800 Can you relax? 421 00:26:40,802 --> 00:26:43,511 So, Aidan, how does it feel when you were in Iraq? 422 00:26:43,513 --> 00:26:45,596 Aidan. 423 00:26:45,598 --> 00:26:47,350 Aidan... 424 00:26:48,810 --> 00:26:51,896 Aidan... Aidan. 425 00:26:53,106 --> 00:26:54,689 Hot dog! 426 00:26:54,691 --> 00:26:57,400 Going around in other ways, so you don't... 427 00:26:57,402 --> 00:27:00,069 After I returned from Afghanistan, 428 00:27:00,071 --> 00:27:03,906 being a single father, and dealing with autistic children, 429 00:27:03,908 --> 00:27:07,660 and try to navigate all of these things at the same time, 430 00:27:07,662 --> 00:27:10,665 depression becomes very crippling, that I can't get off the couch. 431 00:27:12,584 --> 00:27:15,418 I parked my car in the garage... 432 00:27:15,420 --> 00:27:17,005 and attempting suicide. 433 00:27:18,631 --> 00:27:20,715 There is a doctor, he is, like, 434 00:27:20,717 --> 00:27:25,470 "You, of all people, deserve a better quality of life." 435 00:27:25,472 --> 00:27:28,639 This is the first time for someone to go, um... 436 00:27:28,641 --> 00:27:31,519 admit that mistake, is what... 437 00:27:34,522 --> 00:27:38,318 biggest injury... from Afghanistan. 438 00:27:47,368 --> 00:27:50,286 After I returned home from therapy, 439 00:27:50,288 --> 00:27:53,247 I will make myself do something creative 440 00:27:53,249 --> 00:27:56,000 to, like, process that 441 00:27:56,002 --> 00:27:59,003 that I can't talk for others about. 442 00:27:59,005 --> 00:28:02,383 And it became this process that saved my life. 443 00:28:15,814 --> 00:28:21,192 Being a single parent for a long time is part of this story. 444 00:28:21,194 --> 00:28:24,403 It's not just linear, like, "I'm a combat veteran." 445 00:28:24,405 --> 00:28:27,031 This is like, "Yes, you are also human." 446 00:28:27,033 --> 00:28:30,328 And being human is difficult. 447 00:28:31,579 --> 00:28:34,914 The idea is, we have solved this a minute. We have already told this story. 448 00:28:34,916 --> 00:28:36,541 That's below... 449 00:28:36,543 --> 00:28:39,794 we have everything we have shown you. 450 00:28:39,796 --> 00:28:44,173 But at the same time, we serve members too. And the idea is... 451 00:28:44,175 --> 00:28:46,344 bring it back to the picture. 452 00:28:48,138 --> 00:28:50,181 Center, face. 453 00:28:51,141 --> 00:28:52,849 Very good. 454 00:28:52,851 --> 00:28:57,770 What can't I do so far what stage etiquette is right? 455 00:28:57,772 --> 00:28:59,814 If there is something that I feel, um, 456 00:28:59,816 --> 00:29:03,401 is reducing your strength story, then I will tell you, huh? 457 00:29:03,403 --> 00:29:05,653 That's a great thing about theater. 458 00:29:05,655 --> 00:29:08,072 When you tell your story, You say it the way you want. Right? 459 00:29:08,074 --> 00:29:09,699 First, you must know. 460 00:29:09,701 --> 00:29:12,326 "First, you have to know, there is no easy way through this." 461 00:29:12,328 --> 00:29:13,788 These hands are not. 462 00:29:15,874 --> 00:29:19,210 - Reach. - Well, I will do a split. 463 00:29:26,718 --> 00:29:30,430 Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha... 464 00:29:37,145 --> 00:29:41,022 The work is very strong, and beautiful, 465 00:29:41,024 --> 00:29:43,107 and generous, and... 466 00:29:43,109 --> 00:29:47,653 I'm really proud of with you, okay? So... 467 00:29:47,655 --> 00:29:49,157 Thank you to see you tomorrow. 468 00:29:50,950 --> 00:29:52,494 Yes that's good. Big hug. 469 00:30:14,224 --> 00:30:17,517 Come up, like this. Go as far as you can. 470 00:30:17,519 --> 00:30:19,936 "This hand was small. 471 00:30:19,938 --> 00:30:22,230 They can still pray." 472 00:30:22,232 --> 00:30:24,857 "Internal bleeding that ended me 473 00:30:24,859 --> 00:30:27,276 until everything I saw was red." 474 00:30:27,278 --> 00:30:29,904 "My heart stopped beating. 475 00:30:29,906 --> 00:30:31,950 I don't feel sick anymore." 476 00:30:35,120 --> 00:30:37,122 "I like this place." 477 00:30:50,760 --> 00:30:53,553 On that stage, everyone has their own fears 478 00:30:53,555 --> 00:30:55,721 and uncertainty about the situation. 479 00:30:55,723 --> 00:30:58,349 But it builds for performance 480 00:30:58,351 --> 00:31:01,521 not much different how we build a mission. 481 00:31:08,027 --> 00:31:10,655 - Hello. Welcome to the theater. - Thank you. 482 00:31:12,782 --> 00:31:16,284 Everyone in the audience is there because 483 00:31:16,286 --> 00:31:19,579 they want to hear what these stories are. 484 00:31:19,581 --> 00:31:22,540 They want to know what the bigger story is. 485 00:31:22,542 --> 00:31:25,960 Everyone knows they will do it is part of something great. 486 00:31:25,962 --> 00:31:29,883 That we will be heard, maybe for the first time. 487 00:31:30,717 --> 00:31:33,970 Because I know that a lot of from us hasn't been heard. 488 00:31:38,475 --> 00:31:40,143 Groups, attention. 489 00:31:41,352 --> 00:31:43,104 Forward, march. 490 00:31:49,110 --> 00:31:51,196 Group, stop. 491 00:31:52,197 --> 00:31:53,990 Center, face. 492 00:31:55,992 --> 00:31:57,619 Like you. 493 00:32:07,003 --> 00:32:08,961 "These hands are not." 494 00:32:08,963 --> 00:32:11,297 "His hands are not clean." 495 00:32:11,299 --> 00:32:13,007 "They are not innocent." 496 00:32:13,009 --> 00:32:14,592 "They are not bound." 497 00:32:14,594 --> 00:32:16,846 "They can still pray." 498 00:32:18,181 --> 00:32:22,809 "This is not a knight song. This is the confession of a sinner... 499 00:32:22,811 --> 00:32:25,939 " a need for forgiveness. 500 00:32:27,440 --> 00:32:29,065 "I have brought emptiness. 501 00:32:29,067 --> 00:32:31,736 " A loved one is lost, and lost the person I love. 502 00:32:34,489 --> 00:32:36,366 "The soul that I stole. " Their father, son... 503 00:32:38,576 --> 00:32:41,913 "sisters... 504 00:32:43,581 --> 00:32:44,958 mothers and daughters." 505 00:32:47,127 --> 00:32:49,794 Left, right on the left, right on the left, right on the left! 506 00:32:49,796 --> 00:32:54,551 507 00:32:55,927 --> 00:32:59,720 "60% of military women have experienced military sexual trauma. 508 00:32:59,722 --> 00:33:03,015 " Do they pay attention to me? Do they see me now? 509 00:33:03,017 --> 00:33:05,226 "One night the telephone rang. " One of the soldiers was arrested for allegedly raping three women. 510 00:33:05,228 --> 00:33:09,023 "To God... 511 00:33:10,525 --> 00:33:12,068 how do I, the rape victim, keep the rapist safe?" 512 00:33:15,947 --> 00:33:20,741 "I've swallowed so much." 513 00:33:20,743 --> 00:33:22,910 "I have swallowed so many damn pills 514 00:33:22,912 --> 00:33:26,080 that my blood type is benzo." 515 00:33:26,082 --> 00:33:28,040 - "And they keep giving me more food. - I can show you anger." 516 00:33:28,042 --> 00:33:32,128 "Make boxing wrapped in barbed wire, 517 00:33:32,130 --> 00:33:34,130 " But these hands can't love 518 00:33:34,132 --> 00:33:36,674 "until the barbs are pulled out to heal the skin. 519 00:33:36,676 --> 00:33:40,803 And then this palm holds a small fist." 520 00:33:40,805 --> 00:33:44,140 521 00:33:44,142 --> 00:33:48,728 "Hold the urge to lie still. Find a hard place. Maybe one is full of children. Touch something cold, or live." 522 00:33:48,730 --> 00:33:53,441 "We have never been taught." 523 00:33:53,443 --> 00:33:55,276 "That trauma can, and will, 524 00:33:55,278 --> 00:33:57,487 kill us, _ damage our lives." 525 00:33:57,489 --> 00:33:59,947 "They blew up our FOB. 526 00:33:59,949 --> 00:34:01,491 " It was an IED borne by the vehicle. They turn off small arms fire, 527 00:34:01,493 --> 00:34:04,911 suicide bombers, our FOB should be safe like home. " 528 00:34:04,913 --> 00:34:09,457 " Under my shoes. " 529 00:34:09,459 --> 00:34:11,375 " A field designed to destroy my body. " 530 00:34:11,377 --> 00:34:14,170 " And still, I miss sand. " 531 00:34:14,172 --> 00:34:17,215 " Give me a mission. " 532 00:34:17,217 --> 00:34:18,843 " I like to see that old bearded man. 533 00:34:53,044 --> 00:34:55,755 "I like him to dress up... 534 00:34:58,842 --> 00:35:01,845 " only for us. 535 00:35:04,430 --> 00:35:07,098 "The new black shake, Arab clothes wrinkled. 536 00:35:07,100 --> 00:35:11,437 537 00:35:13,773 --> 00:35:18,069 And the turban of the boxes really makes the clothes pop. " 538 00:35:28,538 --> 00:35:30,748 " I like how he smiles. 539 00:35:32,208 --> 00:35:38,045 "The cellphone is in his right hand, waving hi or goodbye 540 00:35:38,047 --> 00:35:41,009 " with his left hand, as we pass. 541 00:35:43,470 --> 00:35:45,388 "Damn right hand. 542 00:35:49,476 --> 00:35:51,853 " In other non-important news today: 543 00:35:53,313 --> 00:35:57,857 "Two 800 pounds IED destroyed three vehicles, 544 00:35:57,859 --> 00:36:00,403 " Kill 10 soldiers immediately. 545 00:36:01,988 --> 00:36:05,615 "10 sons, 10 brothers, 546 00:36:05,617 --> 00:36:10,121 " 10 family members, 10 fight friends, 10 friends. 547 00:36:11,414 --> 00:36:13,998 "Tomorrow, 548 00:36:14,000 --> 00:36:16,501 " Four more will die. 549 00:36:16,503 --> 00:36:18,795 "Day after, 550 00:36:18,797 --> 00:36:21,132 " One more will die. 551 00:36:27,055 --> 00:36:29,265 I like this place. 552 00:36:32,435 --> 00:36:35,061 "This poem is not who I am." 553 00:36:35,063 --> 00:36:38,147 "This poem is not a suicide note." 554 00:36:38,149 --> 00:36:41,234 "This poem is not cry for help." 555 00:36:41,236 --> 00:36:43,778 "This poem is not my piece is broken." 556 00:36:43,780 --> 00:36:46,948 "This poem is love and all its meanings." 557 00:36:46,950 --> 00:36:49,702 "We're not done yet." 558 00:36:57,502 --> 00:36:59,254 Groups, attention. 559 00:37:00,964 --> 00:37:02,674 Behind, march. 560 00:38:03,026 --> 00:38:06,652 If you've met these people 561 00:38:06,654 --> 00:38:12,533 before their transition period from closed to open, 562 00:38:12,535 --> 00:38:15,663 The transformation is very good now. 563 00:38:16,915 --> 00:38:20,124 This is not about what I have experienced, is about my whereabouts today. 564 00:38:20,126 --> 00:38:21,918 And I stand on that stage, 565 00:38:21,920 --> 00:38:24,754 and I say that I have gone through all this. 566 00:38:24,756 --> 00:38:26,547 But I'm not done yet. 567 00:38:26,549 --> 00:38:29,926 That's probably the most useful thing that I... 568 00:38:29,928 --> 00:38:32,637 done hard... 569 00:38:32,639 --> 00:38:34,472 in my life. 570 00:38:34,474 --> 00:38:36,017 These people... 571 00:38:38,311 --> 00:38:39,687 them... 572 00:38:45,360 --> 00:38:48,655 they are... hope.