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I'm from American Samoa.
American Samoa, like, breeding land for military forces.
Joining the military almost brings the same principle to my culture:
duty, respect, honor.
I want to follow in my family's footsteps.
They really don't want us to join, but here we are, joining.
And, we really can see why they don't want us to join.
Actually, uh, it sucks.
I was placed in Afghanistan several times,
to be in all of Afghanistan.
Mm-hmm.
That's on, uh, & apos; 08, & apos; 09,
and the IED that meant for us... exploded.
And we rushed to help.
The, uh, vehicle involved
finally became my friend vehicle.
My friend is fighting stuck in the vehicle,
and there is no way to get it out.
There is fire around it,
and we can first turn it off,
and then the second time, we can't.
And the second time is when he wakes up.
And we have to listen to him scream.
The worst voice you have ever had for your soldiers to listen.
I need a break.
People have told me, "Sergeant A.V., you need help."
But not until I cuffed my first sergeant...
I don't remember doing this, but I patted it
and throw it in the corner.
And not until I come and ask him,
"What are you doing there?" And he said, uh...
"You did this to me, you jerk." And me, like, "Oh."
That's when I realized, "Well, shoot. Yes, okay, I got a problem."
PTSD.
That's actually the reason I avoided the place,
Because I don't want people to see me as,
"Oh, there is that crazy vet." You know?
I'm not crazy, it's just...
certain things happen to... I have no control at all.
I feel a little... used.
And I understand that the military must continue to spin.
But I also feel that they should take care of people...
that... they broke up.
There is an appointment...
that if we give everything,
that they will ensure that we are well taken care of.
And I don't feel that.
We haven't finished yet is collaborative poetry
from various branches military:
Army, Air Force,
Marines,
Navy.
Veteran, active.
And we talk about different trauma,
let everyone know that this is something that might happen to us,
but we haven't finished yet.
We still have a lot to say,
and we still have a lot to do.
A.V. has this idea to find a way to talk about
PTSD in the military.
And We Didn't Do It But the way brought the community together.
All of us will go through
different phases dealing with trauma.
We all met through Seema,
like, doing the writing workshop.
So, three options to think about...
We have a group of veterans, and active service members
who gather regularly to write and share their stories,
and, through that process, comes to see overlap
between their individuals experience trauma,
and decided to write a collaborative poem
and turning it into a show.
"Erase aggression, enter pen..."
We want to explain it there are many more
military stories rather than photographing people.
And there are all these things that people face
in between, like, bullets and Band-Aids.
Our line will be "Every day I..."
"I used to believe..."
"On the horizon..."
"And maybe there will never be enough...
This poem is not..."
Collaborative poetry is a beginning group
ask us to fill in the blank with.
And that allows us...
really reaches the whole spectrum of trauma as a whole.
"I used to believe..." A.V., you want to start?
"I used to believe that there was respect for the things I did."
"These hands...
" Congratulations and life given, carrying a newborn baby,
"Taking chemotherapy pills, bringing a plate full of love
on a cold day."
"On the horizon is the missing point.
"And maybe if I can achieve it, all these old sounds can be calm.
" Maybe I can stop,
taking space in this case body is dangerous, not right.
On the horizon, I want to look for something that is hopeful. "
- That's very good. - That's amazing. I think it's pretty good.
Um... " On the horizon,
the future looks bleak. "
Uh...
Everyone includes their pieces what are their struggles, and...
all lines there means something different
to people who say and to all of us.
"These hands are not."
"These hands are very loved and killed, have caused pain. "
" I'm just me, a woman, a girl,
a writer, a survivor. "
" His son was once strong, is now half hidden and embarrassed.
He saw me and was helpless. "
" This land is made of eggshells... fertilizer is fragile but good...
"Bones, and dreams dying free men,
decay all grow from is my land."
- That's really cool. - That's pretty good.
There's a lot there, um...
- Many on canvas, you know? - Mm-hmm.
In the Superbowl we will fly the F16 over, and everyone is in a hurry.
A service member will be recognized, will stand up, we will applaud.
And then the match continues. That's one side.
The other side you need...
placed on stage
as big, bright
is a story about the effects of war
in humans who received the call.
I met some people from the Pentagon, asked if there was a road
what I can get is more closely involved.
They introduced me to Seema,
who told me that they have this idea to use
a gradual reading of the work they have written.
Seema comes in and says Jeffrey Wright is coming.
And I, like, "Okay, he knows a lot of more stuff than we do in this area."
So, go from "These hands no..." to "First, you must know..."
Everything is together, please okay?
One two.
- "These hands are not..." - Great, then.
"First, you must know, there is there is no easy way through this."
What's in bait, just say it once.
"My mother also suffered."
Whatever ideas you have,
any thoughts, concerns you have, please share,
because you really are, you know, the guiding force behind all this.
In my head, I imagine we are all out there,
and then, the light shines whoever speaks at that moment.
We go places, that's the point, you know?
From cancer, to fighting... domestic violence, for rape.
Something that has, like, a general threads what we want
to summarize everything together, I think it will be very helpful.
There might be an order
- My Marine Corps brain, can't... - I understand.
When you are lining up in, you just don't like...
So, you want us to turn left and you want us to move forward,
and there are special orders for that.
Forward Mars. Ready to stop. Left face.
Forward Mars. One step, one step. There is...
But do it, just like...
We took it, but we didn't even do it right.
Or is it the color guard style, then there are only two people.
Like, for example, you are on our side, and then...
- Yes That calmly calls it. -... quietly said it. Right.
Is there a way you, together, can determine how to make the idea work for you?
Steps to freeze? Or one step, then just...
What are you thinking, A.V.?
I like one step then just walk.
Let's try it. Line up here, I will stay here.
Well, the first thing I want from you What to do is, uh, take that full step.
Left... left. OK?
Ready, stop.
Left... face.
Oh, sorry, I'm sorry. Middle face.
One step forward, line up.
- Okay, then you guys... - Boom. Yes, thank you.
That's all the structure I need.
- Is it better? - That's great, friend.
"I've swallowed so much."
"I have swallowed so many parts of me."
"So many of your glasses you know my name."
"I have swallowed so many damn pills, My blood type is benzo."
"I have touched love, felt faith and then cleaned it with assignments. " I lost sight of heaven, found solace in hell.
"In the mirror, I killed the angel
to make room for the devil."
When I was young, I always wanted to be
part of such a group.
Is that a bad group friends or whatever,
I want to attach to something,
and the military really can provide that for me.
I have eight rotations:
three to Iraq and four to Afghanistan and one other place.
Bam!
I really don't remember thinking of my family
when I left.
But there was a point when my ex-wife left, took my daughter.
And once that happens, my daughter becomes my main focus.
I see a difference in me.
Until then, I bought a stigma
any type of mental illness is weakness.
PTSD is a term that...
I never like to hear it. I don't like to read it.
And I see it all in this medical record and document
which I have experienced for passing recently,
like, you know, I'm getting closer to the transition out.
I already got myself in a situation that...
doesn't deserve a soldier.
I was driving back from New York, dropped my daughter,
and my ex-fiance this recipe for Adderall.
He said, "Hey, this helps me stay awake."
I don't know it will cause me to test positive for a drug test.
Today, I will attend my hearing board of separators,
where they will decide whether to defend me in the military,
so I can do my medical retirement, or separate me.
I really want to be maintained like that I can do medical pensions.
Or, at least, a respectable debit that my daughter can get G.I. Bill.
See? I told you, the courthouse.
Let's solve this problem.
I want to throw my fist this damn window now.
Son, oh, kid.
Their decision is to separate me for public, besides honorable, conditions.
So now, I can't medical pension.
What pisses me off is that they can't have courtesy
to, at the very least, give my child tuition.
Do you know what I mean? Like, you don't have to give me medical treatment.
But my daughter's tuition...
So you told me that these 12 years and the things I have gone through
worthless my daughter's college funds?
This is not the way I imagine going out of the military.
"This is my new reality,
" gave birth to my undeniable history.
"I have touched the lives of hundreds of people.
" Not only those who are within arm's reach.
I have gone further, far beyond my scope, to my scope. "
I really feel it.
You touch life with your scope, and then you take life with that scope.
- That's real, you know? - Mm-hmm.
Once, after you commit to pull the trigger,
that's the hardest thing in the world.
At the other end of the scope,
there may be good men, good children.
She's probably a good woman.
Most Americans are unconscious that's when we have this theoretical thing
from you going to war, you go and fight that they ask people to do these things.
We won't talk about it congratulations la-la-land,
the story of a happy soldier,
like, we will talk to you about some real shit.
Mm-hmm.
A.V., do you want to do yours?
"I really love which is... heroic......
Heroic?
"... makes you believe, hasn't been trusted,
"trivial, dirty and vulgar story
" from my own crew one-top man.
"I like long and endless drives. " I like to see goats, occasionally camels.
I like to see children playing on the ground. "
" I like old bearded men,
"Cellphone in right hand,
" Waving or goodbye
"with his left hand when he passed.
" His damn right hand.
I like this place. "
" This poem is not who I am. "
Your flow is very good, but when you're good struggles with the word" heroic ",
it's something a lot struggle with veterans.
You know when they say, "Oh, you are a hero," this or that.
So it's really painful, honest, and very real.
We have a whole generation of people
whose story is their shame and guilt.
Everything I see is your story, or someone else's,
is the fact that you still stand in front of me. That's hope.
mm
There are four main emotions related to trauma:
anger, sadness, fear, and shame.
Anger, sadness, and fear of having physical the way they leave our body,
but shame needs this community
who do you show your true self and who receives you.
Soldiers release lightning news, Military Sexual Trauma on the Resurrection.
Do they see me now? "
I am a clinical laboratory officer in the United States Army.
We take care of soldiers and their family members . I am a 100% disabled veteran. I suffer from PTSD, bipolar, traumatic brain injury. My first trauma in the military early in my career,
I am not _ when I drew this person's blood. So, I went and told one of them supervisor. And the person said,
"Do you know this man? has served well?
And do you understand the consequences of what you say? "
I saluted him and walked out. He told me that I was not valued as a soldier,
and he told me I was not valued as a woman.
I was raped...
several times since that initial event.
That's the only time I've ever told you.
What did I say for?
At that time, I became very hard.
Because if I would survive, . I have to be hard.
My military duty to take is prioritized on motherhood.
My children have a training sergeant. ensure that they are dressed.
There are no caregivers.
The woman you saw today
very different from people who grow up with me.
There are a lot of things that happened that didn't allow my mother to really attend as much as he wants.
My son said, "You fought for something that didn't fight for you. He said, " You're willing to die for the military,
and they won't even do it helps make you stay alive. "
That's really the moment where I started my healing journey. I remember the first time that I did on stage,
and my children were in the audience. I stood on that stage, and I put it there. And they don't look down with shame,
they raise their heads and they're like,
"That's my mother." And I told you...
This is influenced by the feeling of being silenced by military culture,
and the way of the story censored sexual assault.
I go to VA, and seven times out ten, the person behind the desk is like,
"Well, you know, you have to have it related service defects to be seen here."
I have... service-connected disability at a fairly high percentage.
The main justification for my disability is PTSD,
related to sexual assault.
I, then, must, every time I go to receive medical treatment,
using my sexual assault as, like, badge
that's why I'm included here, and how I have the right to get medical treatment.
I work inpatient psychiatric unit.
People come there if they are active in suicide, suicide or psychotic.
My school I visited was two and a half months.
You place 18-year-old children two and a half months of training
in a situation where they may have to is responsible for ensuring someone's safety.
It's not about, like, changing people's lives, or healing anyone.
It's about keeping government commodities producing until they cannot produce again.
And you have to advocate for yourself, and that's really
difficult things to do, especially with sexual attacks
because that is something undermines your trust
from your own eligibility.
And the military will really know you to suck it up and the army.
"Certain types of calm death rather than peace. " In your search for peace,
try to make sure You don't sit still in death. "
Left, right on left, right on left, right on left. " It's been 25 years.
"I joined the Army, I took an oath
to protect and defend the constitution from the United States."
Is it appropriate for you to pay homage to him when he gets there?
When he passes you, you like...
-... or when he hit the podium. - That is good.
Right. When he gets to the podium, everyone's booming, right?
So, like, is right here in this paint.
That would be the right place.
Joe, wait until you hear the music, right?
Then start moving.
"This fist is a hammer.
" Fingers as claws try unbend and pull out nails
"from things that you no longer want to keep together. " Boxing is complicated.
"This fist, bones wrapped in skin are so tight, the knuckles are red.
But this fist can be folded."
"Erase aggression, enter pen.
" Ball-peen transplant with ballpoint
"until the grip of your palm
" turns into fur.
"Know that this fist can wrap
" Flowers are as easy as a pistol grip,
"and that's sometimes left hand interest,
grip right hand gun."
I have a good friend, from high school,
who was killed in Ramadi.
I watched his mother cry
on the front page for two and a half days.
And I joined the Marine Corps to try to prevent mothers from lying on the front page.
I have been in the Marine Corps for 10 years.
I went to Afghanistan.
Supports Iraq.
And medically retired.
Now, I'm a visual artist.
It is difficult to overcome and do normal human goods if you wear it trauma on your sleeve.
When I first returned from Afghanistan, my father was like,
"Hey, if you want to talk, we are here for you."
But it never makes sense, like,
"Hey, Daddy, I watched people burn to death.
Also, can you pass mashed potatoes?"
Or like, how do you start this conversation?
When you walk around, and suddenly,
for reasons that you can't explain at that time,
You feel an emotional response for something...
is it, like, an alarm sounds,
or the rocks crunch in the wrong way,
and that makes something disappear if your head. And so on...
So now, you are stuck with this feel that you cannot explain.
What's wrong, friend? Are you okay?
Want to sit down, please?
Can you relax?
So, Aidan, how does it feel when you were in Iraq?
Aidan.
Aidan...
Aidan... Aidan.
Hot dog!
Going around in other ways, so you don't...
After I returned from Afghanistan,
being a single father, and dealing with autistic children,
and try to navigate all of these things at the same time,
depression becomes very crippling, that I can't get off the couch.
I parked my car in the garage...
and attempting suicide.
There is a doctor, he is, like,
"You, of all people, deserve a better quality of life."
This is the first time for someone to go, um...
admit that mistake, is what...
biggest injury... from Afghanistan.
After I returned home from therapy,
I will make myself do something creative
to, like, process that
that I can't talk for others about.
And it became this process that saved my life.
Being a single parent for a long time is part of this story.
It's not just linear, like, "I'm a combat veteran."
This is like, "Yes, you are also human."
And being human is difficult.
The idea is, we have solved this a minute. We have already told this story.
That's below...
we have everything we have shown you.
But at the same time, we serve members too. And the idea is...
bring it back to the picture.
Center, face.
Very good.
What can't I do so far what stage etiquette is right?
If there is something that I feel, um,
is reducing your strength story, then I will tell you, huh?
That's a great thing about theater.
When you tell your story, You say it the way you want. Right?
First, you must know.
"First, you have to know, there is no easy way through this."
These hands are not.
- Reach. - Well, I will do a split.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha...
The work is very strong, and beautiful,
and generous, and...
I'm really proud of with you, okay? So...
Thank you to see you tomorrow.
Yes that's good. Big hug.
Come up, like this. Go as far as you can.
"This hand was small.
They can still pray."
"Internal bleeding that ended me
until everything I saw was red."
"My heart stopped beating.
I don't feel sick anymore."
"I like this place."
On that stage, everyone has their own fears
and uncertainty about the situation.
But it builds for performance
not much different how we build a mission.
- Hello. Welcome to the theater. - Thank you.
Everyone in the audience is there because
they want to hear what these stories are.
They want to know what the bigger story is.
Everyone knows they will do it is part of something great.
That we will be heard, maybe for the first time.
Because I know that a lot of from us hasn't been heard.
Groups, attention.
Forward, march.
Group, stop.
Center, face.
Like you.
"These hands are not."
"His hands are not clean."
"They are not innocent."
"They are not bound."
"They can still pray."
"This is not a knight song. This is the confession of a sinner...
" a need for forgiveness.
"I have brought emptiness.
" A loved one is lost, and lost the person I love.
"The soul that I stole. " Their father, son...
"sisters...
mothers and daughters."
Left, right on the left, right on the left, right on the left!
"60% of military women have experienced military sexual trauma.
" Do they pay attention to me? Do they see me now?
"One night the telephone rang. " One of the soldiers was arrested for allegedly raping three women.
"To God...
how do I, the rape victim, keep the rapist safe?"
"I've swallowed so much."
"I have swallowed so many damn pills
that my blood type is benzo."
- "And they keep giving me more food. - I can show you anger."
"Make boxing wrapped in barbed wire,
" But these hands can't love
"until the barbs are pulled out to heal the skin.
And then this palm holds a small fist."
"Hold the urge to lie still. Find a hard place. Maybe one is full of children. Touch something cold, or live."
"We have never been taught."
"That trauma can, and will,
kill us, _ damage our lives."
"They blew up our FOB.
" It was an IED borne by the vehicle. They turn off small arms fire,
suicide bombers, our FOB should be safe like home. "
" Under my shoes. "
" A field designed to destroy my body. "
" And still, I miss sand. "
" Give me a mission. "
" I like to see that old bearded man.
"I like him to dress up...
" only for us.
"The new black shake, Arab clothes wrinkled.
And the turban of the boxes really makes the clothes pop. "
" I like how he smiles.
"The cellphone is in his right hand, waving hi or goodbye
" with his left hand, as we pass.
"Damn right hand.
" In other non-important news today:
"Two 800 pounds IED destroyed three vehicles,
" Kill 10 soldiers immediately.
"10 sons, 10 brothers,
" 10 family members, 10 fight friends, 10 friends.
"Tomorrow,
" Four more will die.
"Day after,
" One more will die.
I like this place.
"This poem is not who I am."
"This poem is not a suicide note."
"This poem is not cry for help."
"This poem is not my piece is broken."
"This poem is love and all its meanings."
"We're not done yet."
Groups, attention.
Behind, march.
If you've met these people
before their transition period from closed to open,
The transformation is very good now.
This is not about what I have experienced, is about my whereabouts today.
And I stand on that stage,
and I say that I have gone through all this.
But I'm not done yet.
That's probably the most useful thing that I...
done hard...
in my life.
These people...
them...
they are... hope.