When I was a child in India,
growing up in the tiny village of Harenmahkeester,
I found a voice-over machine,
which I still use to this day.
Oh, hi.
I decided to use the Morgan Freeman setting.
I am His Holiness the Guru Pitka.
In my book, If You're Happy and You Know it, Think Again,
I speak of intimacy, or "into-me-l-see."
Intimacy is like putting your wiener on the table and having someone say,
"That looks like a penis, only smaller."
Only smaller.
Though I was raised here in India, I was born in America,
which is where our journey begins.
It's the story of a hockey player named Darren Roanoke,
my most resistant student, who became my greatest teacher.
Or some such bullshit. I don't know. Gotta go!
- Hi, I'm Trent Lueders! - And I'm Jay Kell.
Tonight is all about champions.
But before we get going,
I'd like to start by thanking my own personal champions.
The fans who supported me with their cards and letters
during my recent addiction to peyote buttons and Frangelico.
I've already apologized to my friends, my family, and my god.
And now, I'd like to apologize to Dame Judi Dench
for my vicious and brutal attack.
I'm sorry, Judi, you did not deserve that, and I hope the staples come out soon.
Over to you, Trent.
Thanks, Jay!
Tonight, the Toronto Maple Leafs' Darren Roanoke
is the subject of our player profile.
Hockey has its legends.
Now, the new one, Darren Roanoke.
Known as the Tiger Woods of hockey,
Roanoke brought the sport to a whole new audience.
- Hey, yo, check this, son! - Check this!
A role model turned bad boy.
He was in a perfect marriage.
But before the playoffs,
he stunned the world by separating from his wife, Prudence.
From role model to dating models.
Roanoke found out his wife, Prudence,
was dating the L.A. Kings' legendary
French-Canadian goalie, Jacques "Le Coq" Grande.
He earned his nickname, "Le Coq,"
for reasons that cannot be stated on this program.
This interview is over.
Holy...
That's when Roanoke fell apart.
Roanoke is hit hard. Open net! He misses!
Damn, damn, damn!
But the question on everyone's mind is, can the Leafs win without Roanoke?
Well, can we win the Cup without Roanoke?
Not a chance, boss.
As long as Jacques "Le Coq" Grande is banging Darren's wife,
Darren's toast.
My father once told me the Yankees hired a guru to turn their team around.
I have our guru.
If he can fix Darren, we win the Cup.
They call him the Love Guru.
Tumble out of bed and I stumble to the kitchen
Pour myself a cup of ambition
Yawning, stretching, try to come to life
Jump in the shower and the blood starts pumping
Out on the streets the traffic starts jumping
With folks like me on the job from 9:00 to 5:00
Working 9:00 to 5:00
What a way to make a living
Barely getting by it's all taking and no giving
They just use your mind and they never give you credit
It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it
They let your dream just to watch them shatter
You're just a step on the boss man's ladder
But you've got dreams he'll never take away
You're in the same boat with a lot of your friends
Waiting for the day your ship will come in
And the tide's gonna turn and it's all gonna roll your way
Working 9:00 to 5:00 for service and devotion
You would think that I would deserve a fair promotion
Want to move ahead but the boss won't seem to let me
I swear sometimes that man is out to get me
Working 9:00 to 5:00
What a way to make a living
Barely getting by it's all taking and no giving
They just use your mind and they never give you credit
It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it
Working 9:00 to 5:00
What a way to make a living
Barely getting by it's all taking and no giving
They just use your mind and they never give you credit
It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it
Working 9:00 to 5:00, yeah!
Here we go, here we go.
Mariska Hargitay, Speedy. Yeah.
Ride 'em, cowboy.
Mariska Hargitay, Your Holiness.
Rajneesh! Mariska Hargitay.
Your manager Richard Pants is here.
Dick Pants. Send him in.
Mariska Hargitay, Your Holiness.
Have you seen today's paper?
Oh, don't tell me,
it's another article about Deepak Chopra being number one
and me being number two?
Not in as many words.
Quaking pudding! I can't take this!
Not again! What? Why, why?
Babu, to be the world's second most popular
Neo-Eastern-Self-Help-Spiritualist is no small thing.
Thank you, Rajneesh. You are my compass.
Give me a pound.
Lock it down.
Break the pickle.
Tickle, tickle.
- You! - You!
- Well, no, you! - You!
No, no, no! You!
Okay. You!
No! You!
Stop it!
Who's the gift basket from, Dick?
Brad and Angelina.
It says, "Thank you for the gift of true intimacy,
"but we've decided to work with Deepak instead."
What does Deepak Chopra have that I don't have?
He's been on Oprah.
Oprah!
And Oprah loves a great story. Now, take a look at this.
The Toronto Maple Leafs will pay you $2 million,
if you can get Darren Roanoke back with his wife
in time to win the Stanley Cup.
Two million dollars!
That's a lot of cheese.
But wait, it gets better!
I spoke to Oprah's producers,
and if you can restore Darren Roanoke's marriage,
they guarantee that you will be on her show!
Let me get this straight.
If I fix their marriage, I get on Oprah,
and if I get on Oprah, I'm the next Deepak Chopra!
Deepak Chopra. Maurice Pitka.
Please enter the ashram of the Guru Tugginmypudha.
Guru Tugginmypudha, you are so good with nunchucks,
yet you are blind.
I am not blind.
I am just severely cross-eyed.
I know, it is weird.
Be seated.
Deepak, here you go.
Maurice, you're not of Indian blood.
Speak of your parents.
They are both dead. They were missionaries.
And what did they do before then?
They were dog stylists.
So, let me get this straight.
They were into doggy style before the missionary position?
That's hilarious. My parents are dead. Thanks.
Deepak,
why do you want to join the Tugginmypudha Ashram?
To seek my true self.
All right, kiss ass.
Maurice, why do you want to join?
I want to become a guru so girls will like me.
Then I will like myself.
Deepak, you will enjoy love in all forms.
Maurice, you must wear this chastity belt.
Chastity belt? That sucks!
Once you have learned
that self-love is more important than being loved by others,
you may remove the belt.
Master, if I am not allowed to be with a woman, may I still...
You will go cross-eyed!
Guaranteed.
- Mariska Hargitay. Yeah. - Mariska Hargitay.
I am His Holiness, the Guru Pitka.
Welcome to my ashram,
the Ecumenical Intuitive Enlightenment Initiative Organization,
or EIEIO.
- Guru Pitka had a farm. - EIEIO.
- And on that farm, he did no harm. - EIEIO.
Okay.
If I sit like this any longer, I'm gonna pop my dink bag.
Listen up. I am a guru.
Let's look at the word "guru," okay?
My goal is to get you to say, "Gee, you are you."
TM.
And the you of "guru" is intimacy.
Or "into-me-l-see."
I see.
Without intimacy, you feel nowhere.
Tonight I want you to go from nowhere to "now here."
Yeah.
It's like in The Electric Company, you know?
- Now... - Here.
- Nowhere. - Nowhere.
My laws of intimacy are kind of like my Bible.
And let's look at the word "Bible," shall we?
The Bible is " basic instructions before leaving earth."
TM.
Put that shit on a T-shirt.
Show the T-shirt.
Now, I myself have a guru, Guru Tugginmypudha.
And my guru, Guru Tugginmypudha had a guru, Guru Cheddafrumunda.
And Guru Cheddafrumunda had a guru, Guru Hathasmalvena.
Guru Hathasmalvena had two main periods of his Gita,
or words of wisdom.
The first period came before he got syphilis.
Some pre-syphilitic words of wisdom include,
"To know something is good.
"To do something is God."
Then, after he got syphilis, he would say things like,
"Eatin' ain't cheatin'."
"Did it smell that bad when you ate it?"
"Liquor up front, poker in back."
But his point was this,
"If you can't love yourself, you can't love another."
And that's the end of that one. Yeah.
Mariska Hargitay.
Some announcements.
On Friday, please join us
for our first annual Gamblers Anonymous Monte Carlo Night.
Yeah. Just for funzies, you know. Bring your singles. Yeah.
All right, good night, everyone! Yeah!
Thank you so much!
Great show, Guru Pitka.
Hey, any bears in the cave?
- Any bears? - Oh, yeah.
Bear cub. Left cave.
- Right here? - There. Right there.
Yeah. Right.
That little booger gave me a nose-whistle during the whole show.
Now, I'm ready to receive.
Mariska Hargitay, Your Holiness.
Mariska Hargitay, Jessica Simpson.
Did you get into the VIP room okay?
I love you.
Mariska Hargitay, Your Holiness.
Mariska Hargitay, Val Kilmer.
Why do you hurt me?
I know why. I know why.
- Mariska Hargitay, Guru Pitka. - Mariska Hargitay...
Mariska Hargitay.
I so enjoyed your sutra,
especially the part about not being a victim.
Well, thank you.
Because you are such a generous benefactor,
we are establishing the "Mariska Hargitay Special Victims Unit."
The whole nine yards.
Thank you, Your Holiness.
You have gone from nowhere to now here.
I'm beautiful and I have a secret.
Bang.
Yes.
Guru Pitka, this is Jane Bullard, owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs.
- Guru Pitka? - Hold on one second.
Guru Pitka?
No!
So, you are the owner of the ice hockey team,
the Toronto Maple Leaves?
- Actually, it's Leafs. - Who said that?
How did you get there?
This little guy scared the crap out of me.
I think I'm gonna have to do a panty check.
I might have some monkey-mustard back there.
No, I am good.
Who is this prick?
Well, how do you do? Shrimp?
What'd you call me, Jagamo?
I'm sorry, I didn't catch your gnome... Name!
You are a midget.
I find that term condescending!
Condescending. That's a big word for you.
The man's an ass!
Your Holiness, you're an expert on love.
Yes, I am.
Why do you think Darren Roanoke threw away his marriage?
Well, in my book, I Know You Are, But What Am I?
I explain that when love goes wrong...
- Nothing goes right. ...nothing goes right.
- Yes! - I've read it. It's impressive.
Yeah, it's nothing short of a masterpiece.
So, do you think you can come back with us to Toronto in the team jet?
- It's a date. - Is it, now?
Well, this kitten's got a whip. Meow!
This is great, Your Holiness!
I can see you now, spreading your message of self-love
- on Oprah. - Oprah!
He's finally here for the first time on the Oprah show.
Welcome Guru Pitka.
Oprah! Come on, Oprah.
Hello. Thank you very much.
Mariska Hargitay. Thank you for the gift of water.
All right, I'm just gonna come out and say it.
I find your work really inspiring.
I actually went to one of your sutras after my father passed away.
I'm sorry to hear about your father.
Have you read my book on the grieving process?
It's called, What's This? A Dead One of These.
- Yes. - Oh, you have?
I especially like the chapter, "It Might Just Be Sleeping."
My favorite.
- I've read all your books. - Oh. Well.
To tell you the truth, I kind of have a schoolgirl crush.
Oh, really?
What does your husband think about this crush?
I'm not married.
- Boyfriend? - Nope.
Girlfriend?
Well, I mean, there was one time in college.
Really?
- What was that? - I didn't hear anything.
Well, it's hard to believe a girl like you can't find a man.
What does that mean, "a girl like me"?
Well, come on, I don't have words for it.
You know, nice girl, intelligent,
bedroom eyes, pouty lips, great rack, tight bell-shaped ass,
thicker than a Snicker...
Say.
My problem with men is the Bullard Curse.
What's a Bullard Curse?
My father, Hank Bullard, bought the Leafs in 1967.
And we haven't won a Stanley Cup since.
So, all the men in the city blame me and my family.
Well, as I write in my book Stop Hitting Yourself.
Why Are You Still Hitting Yourself?
I explain that, people may say bad things about you,
but you must never say bad things about yourself.
I see someone who's ready for change.
It would just be easier to change,
if I didn't have to deal with the city that hates me.
Jane, the City of Toronto doesn't hate you.
- Oh, yeah, they do. - Oh, no, they don't.
Trust me.
At the arena, I had Maintenance paint lines
to show me where the crowd can't see me.
You know, so they don't boo me and throw stuff at my head.
I mean, I didn't even ask for this job! I guess it's just my fate!
Fate is a joke.
And as I once read on a wall, in a truck stop bathroom in Barstow,
"The joke is in your hands."
Oh, my God, I just got that!
Well, to be more accurate, the joke was in Rajneesh's hands.
What?
Nice shooting!
I am His Holiness, the Guru Pitka.
Look, man, just get back on your pillow, all right?
There ain't no connection between my love life and my hockey.
I'm not here to work with you.
I just came by to say hello and goodbye.
- Goodbye? - Yeah.
I spoke with your wife, Prudence.
She broke it off with Grande, and now she wants you back!
- Seriously? - Sure. You don't need me.
Go back to what you were doing.
Yes!
There is one other thing.
I lied.
Prudence is still with Jacques Grande,
and he still has the biggest wiener in hockey.
- Is it true? - Yes, he has a ginormous hog.
Do you still think there is no connection
between Prudence and how crappy you are playing?
Tell me this.
- Do you want Prudence back? - Of course I do.
Then I need you to write Prudence an apology letter,
and I will go deliver it to her.
All bids for connection count.
- What if it doesn't work? - I can always refund your misery.
I was ominous just then.
Grande's not going to like you talking to Prudence.
I know, but I must deliver this apology letter to her.
- Do you think Grande saw us? - Of course not, Rajneesh.
We are completely hidden by this bush.
This may go badly.
Keep the elephant running.
Prudence?
My little cabbage?
While I do your calves, I'd like to sing a song
by the greatest singer ever from Quebec, Miss Celine Dion.
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I...
You saw the best there was in me
No!
You were my eye...
Do not peck my fucking eyes! Don't peck my eyes!
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'cause you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you love me
That was beautiful.
And now, I'd like to show my love by making for you a Quebec pizza.
- What's that? - Pop-Tart with the ketchup.
She's good.
Guru Pitka? What happened to you?
Nothing. Why do you ask?
We've not much time. I have an apology letter from Darren.
Well, you know, I got attacked by a rooster. So, you know.
Yeah.
So he writes one stupid note and you expect me to take him back?
- Perhaps I can change him. - Ding-dong.
Did someone order the special Quebec pizza, eh?
You know, like in the porno.
- Who is this in my house? - Whoa!
Looks like he's smuggling a schnauzer.
Yeah.
Let me show you out.
Down, boy.
Read the letter.
- Nice place, eh? - Yeah.
And I got her cheap.
So, it's an honor to have you here in my house, Guru Pitka.
I think you are an amazing guru, and...
Hey! Mister!
What did you do to my rooster?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Stay away from my girlfriend!
The Wolverine.
Don't look at me with that tone of voice, or I punch you in the shirt!
Okay, gotta go.
Beat it. I gotta take a dump.
Bodhisattva!
Hello, superstar. Welcome to my new Toronto ashram.
Uncle Jack.
Can I get a hand getting off this elephant?
Darren, if your Uncle Jack helped you off an elephant,
would you help your Uncle Jack off an elephant?
That's funny to you?
I don't know where I get it.
So did you give Prudence my apology letter or what?
- Yes, of course! - Did it work?
Let me answer it this way.
- You're an idiot. - Yes, I am!
Now, your entourage must stay behind.
No, no, no, no, no. They protect me.
Well, they didn't protect you from that outfit, now, did they?
What?
What's wrong with shark skin?
More like gay-skin, how about. What? Yeah.
Snaps.
- Right, let's talk about Jacques Grande! - No! Leave that man out of this.
You feel inadequate,
because he has plenty of clarity, organization, charm, and knowledge.
TM.
Yeah, he's got a lot of that, all right.
Therefore, he's able to say to Prudence,
"Be loving and open-hearted with my emotions."
TM.
You better stop right there.
Blowme is a good way to remember that. Blowme, yeah.
Blowme, yeah. Blowme.
Blowme.
- You should stop. - Well, I'm sure you're sick of this.
I know Prudence has had it up to here with Grande.
All right, you know what?
I can't move my body!
It is an Indian martial art known as "how to hurt a guy."
I am poking your third eye.
And if I twist my thumb, I can make you crap yourself!
So, what do you want me to do?
What I need is to get you to follow my method, Drama.
We must distract you from your emotional pain,
regress you back to your childhood.
We must adjust your negativity, mature you, and put it all into action.
If you follow my method, not only will you win Stanley's Cup,
but you'll also get Prudence back.
You think this'll work?
- Depends. - Depends on what?
No, you might want to pick up some Depends.
I may have twisted my thumb. Yeah.
Check for coins.
Think fast.
Drama!
Drama.
Students, now I am going to teach you the "D" of drama. Distraction.
Maurice, if Plato, Shakespeare and Einstein
were talking about the meaning of life,
and two elephants started humping outside,
even they would rush to the window.
It is the ultimate distraction.
We shall now compete in a game of tag.
It is called Stink Mop.
Enter, Sanjay!
Enter, Maurice.
Commence Stink Mop.
Stink Mop! Stink Mop!
- Stink Mop. - Go.
- Stink Mop. - Stink Mop!
Maurice.
What are you not thinking about?
I am not thinking about my chastity belt.
- That is distraction. - Yes!
I get it! I am distracted!
Good distraction frees us from emotional pain.
Bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz.
- Once again, I'm Trent Lueders. - And I'm Jay Kell.
Go, Leafs, go! Go, Leafs, go!
Tonight, game one of the Stanley Cup Finals.
L.A. Kings, Toronto Maple Leafs. It's gonna get ugly.
Ugly. You want to hear ugly?
At Promises, I shivved a guy with a sharpened toothbrush
because he bogarted the rehab toilet hooch
that I'd made from apples and pantyhose.
That was ugly.
Over to you, Trent.
Thanks, Jay.
All right, guys. Bring it in.
Let's rip off their heads and shit down their necks!
Yeah!
- Go! Go! - Here we go!
Now, the first lesson is distraction.
In order to learn distraction,
you're not allowed to fight anyone in today's hockey match.
I'm a hockey player!
That's what hockey players do. We fight!
It's a problem.
Even Jay-Z had 99 of them, and the bitch was not one of them.
Now, do you want to win Stanley's Cup?
Yes, I wanna win the Stanley Cup!
Then you are not allowed to fight anyone for any reason!
Don't fight! Now, get out there, and don't kill them.
- What is that? - Corn dog.
What is it?
Is it made from dog?
What a freaking idiot.
Is this a dog's thingy? Am I being punk'd?
Ladies and gentlemen, the Leafs take the ice.
Hello, Los Angeles Kings.
I am His Holiness, the Guru Pitka.
And I have a message from Darren Roanoke.
He told me to tell you that you're all his bitches,
and that you can suck his big greasy...
Mariska Hargitay.
- I'm gonna kill you, Roanoke! - You're dead, Roanoke!
Damn, Roanoke!
And we're getting ready to drop the puck for game one of the Finals.
- I know I'm excited, Jay. How are you? - I am rigid.
It's a yard sale!
- What? - Not to fight.
You are not to fight anyone.
I would not wanna be his nutsack.
They're coming after Roanoke!
Get up!
What the hell are you doing?
Superstar, look at your hands.
- They're not shaking! - Yes.
Roanoke with the puck. What a pass!
Goal!
Roanoke may be fighting for his life, but he's playing great!
Rob Blake is lucky the refs didn't see that.
But the refs will see that on our post-game highlight reel.
That is the Altoids " Curiously Strong Elbow to the Face" of the game.
Oh, God. Am I still dreaming?
No. Why do you ask?
Why'd you tell me not to fight?
Because you are now distracted, therefore playing better.
It's the only way.
Yeah, well, I can't keep getting my ass kicked!
Fine! Fight anyone for any reason.
You just said don't fight...
- What, it's just arbitrary with you? - Of course not!
But we will let the dice decide.
Yes, it is arbitrary! Fight anyone for any reason!
Fight anyone.
It's a bench-clearing brawl!
Remember, kids, this is not how you play hockey.
- It's just ugly. - I like it.
That was a good one.
One game suspension, Roanoke!
Way to go, Roanoke! You jag-off!
- Him, too? - Anyone for any reason.
I love my job!
- Two games! - Now, it's a two-game suspension.
That would mean Roanoke would be out for game two and three!
He could play in game four.
Of course, we don't know if we're going to game five!
Two and three, out, can't play in the game.
He could watch the game at home, but he can't play!
He can pretend to play while he's at home,
but he cannot play on the ice in the game that we're watching,
which is after this game, 'cause we're in game one.
You have a firm grasp of the obvious.
How could he do that?
Are you all right?
I'd like to thank the Academy. Wow, these things are heavy. Yeah.
- Put me down, A-hole! - Okay.
And the Kings take the first game of the Stanley Cup Finals.
Damn it!
Cherkov, relax!
- Now, everyone, let's just take a seat. - Okay.
First of all, let's agree next time we decide to have a group meeting,
we take it in my office.
Now, Guru Pitka here obviously has a plan.
So, Guru, enlighten us. What is your plan?
Frankly, this is completely unexpected, and I'm scared shitless.
- No, no! - Let me at him!
- Take it easy, Frodo. - No! Get back! No!
No! No!
Hippie queer!
- Throw a hex on you. - Okay, okay.
Isn't there any way that you could skip a step or two?
No way! With Drama, there is no shortcuts.
We must now take him back to his childhood.
- His childhood? - Yes.
His mother only lives an hour away,
but he won't allow her to go to the games.
Interesting.
He won't allow his mother to come to any of his games!
Come, Rajneesh, a breakthrough!
Little help, please!
Okay. All right.
- You're leaving? - Yes.
- Where are you going? - To see Darren.
Jane, I promise you, everything will be fine.
Come by my ashram, then I will explain.
Coach Cherkov, I would invite you,
but I know you have your meeting with the Lollipop Guild.
Why won't you let your mother come to any of your hockey games?
'Cause, man, I don't play well around her, man.
She freaks me out.
Then tomorrow we will go to her!
- Oh, hell no! Oh, hell no! - Oh, hells yes!
- Yeah. - This ain't Driving Miss Daisy, man.
I'll break your fingers.
Okay. Yo, this my street right here.
- Tonawanda Street. - Tonawanda Street?
I know this street.
- You do? - Yes.
- At what number did you live? - Fifty-three.
Do you know a Dickie Withers at 85?
- No. - Well, it does.
A dickie does wither at 85. I own you! Yeah!
Yeah! You are laughing!
You see, you're filled with joy of a child!
You are now ready to meet your ma.
I'm warning you, GP, my mom's tough.
Oh, please. How bad can she be?
Raise it up and make a joyful noise
Oh, I shall not be moved
- No, no, no, no - No, I shall not be moved
No, no
Lead me to your rock
Where I shall not be
I shall not be moved
Remember, Darren, you must stand up to her.
Got it.
- Baby boy. - Oh, Mom.
Now, why won't you let your ma come see you play?
It's just that you're not always the most supportive, Ma.
Supportive?
Pressure makes diamonds.
Pressure also makes rubble.
And after a good whipping, cream rises to the top.
So does scum!
- You're the Guru Pitka. - Yes, I am.
You're like the poor man's Deepak Chopra.
Game over.
- Oh, Mom, don't, don't. - Do you have something to say to me?
Yes, you do. Yes, go ahead.
Yes.
You change your hair color? 'Cause it looks nice.
We'll talk in the car.
Well, this was fun.
And by fun, of course I mean emotionally scarring.
I know you are not trying to tell me how to raise my child.
Gotta go.
- Superstar! Superstar, wait! - Whoa!
Look at you. You're jumpy. You're like prison bitch jumpy.
I told you that we shouldn't have come here.
No, no, no, no, no.
We have to go back in there and confront your mother.
There has to be another way.
Well, I hear you rappin' Sister McCrappin'.
Okay, there are two ways to regress you.
One involves your mother, your shame core,
and a grueling process of intense self-examination.
- What's the other way? - Well...
What does this sound like?
I am making diarrhea sounds with my cup.
I'm regressing you.
Someone's in here. Someone's in here!
Yes. You are laughing!
Why am I laughing, man?
Look what you did to my jacket.
Ball-gazer!
Go ahead!
You bastard. You totally caught me in a ball-gaze.
Congratulations, you have been regressed.
I own you!
- Yes, you own me. - That was easy.
But with ownership comes responsibility.
It was at this point that I realized
that my student was finally shedding his defenses.
What are you doing?
He said while eating a chicken wing.
I am talking into my voice-over machine.
So, the Leafs lose game two by a whopping six-to-one score.
The Leafs look rattled without Roanoke.
- It's Darren Roanoke. - You mean Roan-choke more like.
That's great. Nice hat.
- I had a hat like that once. - Yeah?
Then my mom got a job.
Looks like I'm gonna have to shove these love beads someplace special.
You got a problem?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let me handle this.
There are two things about violence they teach you when becoming a guru.
The first thing is,
an eye for an eye leaves everyone blind.
The second thing is,
never ever watch the bottle.
You son of a bitch!
It's a bar fight!
Down, down!
Watch out!
- Well done! - Nice job!
Hold on, hold on.
Niagara Falls is amazing.
Darren.
Just because your mother only loved you
when you achieved
doesn't mean that Prudence will only love you when you achieve.
I was afraid that Prudence would leave me
if I didn't win the Stanley Cup,
- so I left Prudence first. - That's it!
However, we must confront your mother.
Prudence always wanted me to stand up to my ma.
- I know. - I miss Prudence.
I miss the connection.
- Connection. - Yeah.
Making love. Falling asleep in each other's arms.
Sometimes we would wake up a couple hours later,
and it'd be like we were the only two people in the world.
Prudence would stare into my eyes, and she'd say...
- Damn. - Damn.
It sort of became our song.
You are a very lucky man.
I would like to have a"damn" moment like that someday.
How can you be the Love Guru if you've never been in a relationship?
Well, there is someone I like.
But until I learn to love myself,
I can only go out with three girls named Ann.
- Three girls named Ann? - Yeah.
Ann Visible, Ann Flatable, and Ann Job.
Ann Job!
Well, you know, I deflect because of the pain.
I gotta get my girl back, GP.
Otherwise, what am I gonna do with this?
I have two tattoos.
One tattoo is the Drama tattoo,
which signifies the self-determinist philosophy
of the Tugginmypudha Ashram.
And what's the other tattoo?
Daffy Duck pushing a lawn mower through my pubes.
Look, he's dancing. Yeah. Right.
Ball-gazer! Oh, my God! There you go!
The ball-gazing student has become the ball-gazing master.
- Saying I love you - Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you not to say
But if you only knew
How easy it would be to
- Show me how you feel - Show me how you feel
- More than words - More than words
- Is all you have to do to make it real - Is all you have to do to make it real
- Then you wouldn't have to say - Then you wouldn't have to say
- That you love me - That you love me
- 'Cause I'd already know - 'Cause I'd already know
- More than words - More than words
That was great!
Thank you, Speedy. That's great.
Mariska Hargitay. That's great.
That was lovely. But we need to talk about Darren.
- This is a disaster. He's my only... - Jane! Do you trust me?
I do trust you.
I'm not really sure why.
It's the beard. It makes me look like Santa.
And by the way, you look breathtaking.
- Thank you. - As do I.
Come. My staff has prepared a lovely meal.
- Wow. - Right?
I am so hungry I could eat a skunk's bottom.
Which is a lot like calamari. But that's not what we're having tonight.
Rajneesh will now prepare a dish
made of two lychees wrapped in a doughy pouch.
- It's called Kartapal Birigalapatt. - What's that mean?
Nuts in a sling.
Oh, thanks, but I'll pass.
Very well, I'll have your nuts in a sling.
Cough.
Reject this man. Not fit for military service.
Would you like your nuts to be crushed?
Doesn't everyone? Who is this guy?
Geronimo!
That is our safe word.
Now, we get the nuts nice and hot, so they tighten up and get firm.
That's good.
Feels good. I mean, tastes good. I mean, what?
You want curlies on your nuts?
Do I look like a child? Of course I want curlies on my nuts.
Don't forget your pickle.
- Would you like some soup instead? - Yes.
Rajneesh, I'd like an alligator soup, and make it snappy.
Because alligators are snappy, and at the same time, I want it prompt.
Here it is. There's your soup. Watch out! It's dangerous!
You're as cute as pie.
I haven't laughed like this in such a long time.
Why not?
It's hard to laugh when men only see you as some curse.
Jane, there is no curse.
You're just afraid of intimacy, or into-me-l-see.
Remember, being vulnerable is being woundable.
I say take the risk.
- Well, that's easy to say and hard to do. - Is it?
What's the downside of throwing away your fear?
The only way out is in.
I think I'm about to risk something.
- What's wrong? - We can't do this.
What? You tell me to be vulnerable,
and then you turn around and wound me?
- I can explain. - Okay, go ahead.
I can't explain.
- I should go. - No, Jane, wait! I...
Jane! Jane!
Game three here in Los Angeles. The L.A. Kings have beaten the Leafs.
They are one game away from a Stanley Cup victory.
They can't be happy in the Leafs' locker room right now.
I'm sorry, I blacked out for a second. Have they dropped the puck?
Damn it! We're down three games
because you decided you couldn't win without Roanoke.
And you! You're just a stupid rich girl!
You were born on third, and you think you hit a triple!
You don't know hockey!
- Are you finished? - No!
- Now I'm finished! And, Pitka! - Yes?
- What's the capital of Thailand? - Bangkok.
Exactly.
Omar Sharif, my balls!
My balls, you prick!
- Stay down, bitch! - Okay.
Jane! Jane, wait!
He's right! I'm just a stupid rich girl about to be a huge failure.
Failure? There's no such thing as failure.
Only early attempts at success.
You know what? I hired you to fix Darren Roanoke. Do your job!
Your Holiness, I spoke with the producers at Oprah,
and if they don't see Darren and Prudence together by the next game,
your spot will go to Deepak.
But Darren is not ready! He must truly deal with his mother.
- And I will not take a shortcut. - Take a shortcut!
Do you want to be the next Deepak Chopra or not?
Babu, you cannot take a shortcut.
But I need to become the next Deepak Chopra!
But how will you get Grande away from Prudence?
I have one idea that just might work. Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the incredible Miss Celine Dion!
Celine! It is my day of lucky!
What'll you have?
- A martini. - All right, then.
Jacques Grande. Is he "Mr. Right" or "Mr. Right Now?"
Jacques and I get along just fine.
You have, what we call in the guru business,
"love without knowledge."
But what you had with Darren is love with knowledge.
A real connection.
Come by my ashram tomorrow at noon.
I will show you a Darren who is completely changed.
Do you think he's really changed?
I mean, he can't even play in front of his own mother.
She's like kryptonite to him.
Can't play in front of his mother?
Hey! I said stay away from the girl!
Rajneesh, let's make like a baby and head out.
- So you went to see your mother? - Yes.
But did you stand up to her?
He doesn't have to stand up to his mother.
- Yes, he does! - Not now, Kato.
Now, aren't there a few more steps in your Drama plan?
- Yes. Maturity and Action. - Beat it, Rajneesh.
Yes. We did Maturity and Action.
"M" and "A" spells "ma," and we went to Buffalo and we saw his ma.
Right. See?
You see, I left 'cause I was scared that if I didn't win the Stanley Cup,
you would leave me.
But I don't care if you win the Stanley Cup.
Can you forgive me?
Of course I can forgive you.
Stick a fork in them, they're done.
Champers wishes!
It would be great if you could stick around for a while.
You know, just to make sure Darren's okay.
Yes, of course. Yeah, business. Yes, of course.
Would His Holiness staying on qualify as an extension?
Pants! Sheket Bevakasha!
Because if that were the case, we would refuse payment.
- Of course, I'll stay, Jane. - Until we get the call from Oprah.
Go to your naughty mat, Dick!
Miss Bullard.
Mariska Hargitay.
Your Holiness? Mark my words, this shortcut will haunt you.
- Congratulations. - Well done.
Game four here in Los Angeles.
The Kings are one win away from a Stanley Cup victory.
- Ro-an-choke! Ro-an-choke! - Ro-an-choke! Ro-an-choke!
This is it, folks. Game four.
If Roanoke doesn't pull through, it's all over for the Leafs.
Roanoke with the puck.
- He shoots! He scores! - Yeah!
Wasting no time after his suspension, he is back!
The end of game four, and the Leafs take it two to zero.
Thanks to Roanoke, the Leafs advance to game five.
Go Leafs.
Game five here in Los Angeles. Can the Leafs do it again?
Roanoke just playing amazing!
Goal! And game five goes to the Leafs! An incredible comeback!
Thanks to Roanoke, the Leafs have got the Kings on the run.
And look at this crowd! They are guru crazy!
Game six here in Toronto!
Beautiful pass!
Go! Go! Go!
Roanoke on a breakaway! Five-hole trap!
Grande saves! Roanoke denied!
- Once again, I'm Trent Lueders. - And I'm Jay Kell.
Roanoke fell for the five-hole trap.
For those of you who don't know what that is, allow me to "Kellistrate."
There are four holes. One for each corner.
The five-hole is here, between the legs.
You can try to beat him here. Or here. Or even way down here.
Thanks, Jay. Let's get back to the action.
Roanoke has done it! We're all tied!
The Leafs have won three straight games!
Game seven will be in Toronto.
- Hey! - It's down to one game.
Get me out of here, pricks!
...champion. I just got the call. You are 100% booked on Oprah.
Great.
I got on Oprah, right?
- I'm the next Deepak Chopra, right? - You are.
He's definitely in.
- Doesn't feel good, does it? - Get off my tits!
Congratulations.
Darren and Prudence are back together, we got a shot at winning the Cup,
and you got on Oprah. I suppose all that's left is...
The check.
Yeah. Here we go.
Oh, my pretty. Miss Bullard, it has been terrific.
Now, if any of your other players have any professional catastrophe,
personal pain, or a drug addiction, please do not hesitate to call.
Your Holiness, the check and I will be in the car.
- Cheerio. - Bye.
- I guess you got everything you wanted. - Not everything, Jane.
Well, say there was this guru, say.
And this guru was, you know, handsome, you know,
had a nice gleam in his eye, a nice tuck in his butt, say.
And say this guru, maybe not me, maybe somebody else,
had a certain vow.
What kind of vow?
Forget about it. Just Etch A Sketch everything I was saying.
Mariska Hargitay.
Well, here we go. Game seven.
It all comes down to this, ladies and gentlemen.
Who do you like tonight, Jay?
Jay?
I like the Christmas babies, Trent!
And I like the way my skin feels when I'm wearing my rainbow jacket!
By your command.
You're back on drugs, aren't you?
Yes, I am, asshole-face man!
By the power of Gahar, I command thee to vanish!
- Let's see what's happening rinkside. - No!
Well, here comes Lucy the elephant.
I cannot be killed but with fire!
The Deluca Brothers Circus is coming to town. Isn't that just adorable?
Well, whoever wins tonight walks away Stanley Cup champions.
Listen up! It's down to one game, and we've got the momentum!
- Yeah! - Yeah!
Why you got your heads down?
We can beat these clowns.
Besides, I still have a few trick on my sleeve.
Flight 22 to Chicago is now boarding at Gate Five.
Our plane leaves in 20 minutes. The people at Oprah are very excited!
That's great.
Ladies and gentlemen, here to sing The Star-Spangled Banner,
mother of Leafs' center, Darren Roanoke, Lillian Roanoke.
That's Darren's mother! Quaking pudding!
Hi, baby!
What do I do?
I don't know!
Oh, say, can you see
By the dawn's early light
What so proudly we hailed
Hey!
Roanoke is freaking out...
What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?
No, no! Nothing to see here. Our plane is about to leave for Oprah,
and we have to go realize every dream we've ever had.
I am not going with you, Dick.
Oh, no! No!
If you don't get on that plane, I will take 60% of the ashram!
Fine. I don't need material things.
I was put on this earth to spread a message of peace and love.
- Give me that ticket! Give me it! - No! Please, no!
You will never be the next Deepak Chopra!
What?
Box him out!
Oh, damn.
At the end of the first period,
the Kings lead the Leafs, one to nothing.
And the question on everyone's mind is, where's Roanoke?
Baby, are you all right?
I can't play in front of you, Ma!
It's all my fault for not putting more pressure on you to succeed.
- Yes. - Hello?
Jane, I'm on my way.
- I thought you said he was cured! - I was wrong.
Tell Coach Cherkov to buy some time!
Okay.
Sir, please, please make sure it's locked, sir. Please, over there.
Thank you. Thank you, sir.
Dell Computers, this is Chip.
Rajneesh, I... Wait a second, who is Chip?
I took another job.
Rajneesh, you have to come meet me!
I must finish my job with Darren.
- you're back, babu! - yes!
Bodhisattva!
- Boo! You suck, Bullard! - No, you suck!
You can say bad things about me, but I won't say bad things about myself!
So, guess what? You can all just kiss my Canadian ass!
Cherkov, Pitka's coming. You...
Are you as turned on as I am right now?
You're a bad, bad person.
I'll take that as a yes.
Pitka's coming. Just stall.
Hey, ref! Time-out!
Leafs call their last time-out.
- Darren? - Come on, baby.
- Jane! - You lied to me!
Yes. I only pulled away from you because of this.
My name is the Guru Pitka, and I wear a chastity belt.
So, you didn't reject me. You're just devoted to a higher purpose.
Yes, Jane.
Superstar, it's me, Guru Pitka!
Good luck. He won't even let me in.
Darren, I took a shortcut with you, and I'm sorry.
Now, what is it you can't face?
- What did you say to me? - What is it you can't face?
- I can't face my ma. - Then that's what you have to face.
- Will you help me? - I can't.
You're on your own when it comes to your mother.
Darren, the only way out is in.
Yes, yes, yes, it's good.
It's good, it's good, it's good, it's good, it's good.
What the hell happened to you?
Ma! I'm a grown man, and I can take it from here.
I love you.
I love you, baby boy.
Now, how long will it take you to get dressed and get down to the ice?
- Five minutes. - Well, you better hurry up,
'cause there's only six minutes left in the game!
Go, baby boy! Go, go, go, go, go!
I think I made a happy wee-wee. Yeah.
Come on. Let's go quickly! Come on. Come, come. Hello?
Action picks up here in game seven with only 31 seconds left to go.
- Coach, I'm ready. - Get in there!
Darren Roanoke is in the game!
Hey, Rob Blake. The first thing they teach you about hockey
is never ever watch the puck.
Roanoke's going for the Ice Slam!
- Yeah! - Yeah!
We're all tied up, folks, with only eight seconds left!
- Seven, six, five, four... - Seven, six, five, four...
This is it, folks.
Roanoke on the breakaway, just him and Grande!
With one second left! It's a penalty shot.
Roanoke could win the Stanley Cup here.
Hey!
Listen, Darren, I know we are rivals, but fate chose these sides, not us.
So, before you take this shot, I just need to say
damn!
Show it to me.
Damn!
I don't know what Grande just said to Roanoke, but he is now out to lunch.
Superstar! What did he say to you?
He said, "Damn!"
"Damn!" Quaking pudding. That's not good.
- Cherkov, call a time-out. - We're out of time-outs.
Just buy us some time.
He needs a distraction. Jane, follow me!
He's gotta take the shot, now!
I promised myself I'd never do this.
Hey, ref! I'm having a heart attack.
Out of the way! Coach! Coach!
Get the crash kit!
- Sir, may I borrow your elephant, Lucy? - Sure.
Bodhisattva!
Come, come! Come on, boy! Elephant coming through!
Come on, Bodhi! Let's go quickly! Come on, Bodhi!
Clear!
Yes!
Get busy, Bodhi.
Eight seconds!
What do you make of this?
I think they're doing it, Trent. I think they're doing it hard.
Let's go to the Kellistrator.
The ultimate distraction!
- I love you. - I love you.
Post-ejaculation, the barbs at the tip of the penis retract.
Bing-bam-boom, you got a baby pachyderm. Back to you, Trent.
Now, what happens if you don't score this goal?
I'd still be a hero
to me!
Yes! "Gee, you are you." TM.
Go get 'em!
Come on, Roanoke! Let's go!
Five-hole!
No!
Five-hole trap!
The Toronto Maple Leafs have won the Stanley Cup!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah!
- I love hockey! I love hockey! - I love hockey, too!
They did it!
The curse is over for the Leafs, and I need to sleep!
We didn't waste time. We didn't waste no time.
- Maurice? - Deepak Chopra!
Oprah called me, and she said you canceled.
I told her she should give you another chance.
As great as you are, I don't need to become the next Deepak Chopra.
I am the first Guru Pitka!
You are free.
You're a good man, Deepak Chopra.
Hey, Pitka? Sorry I punched you in the nuts.
That's okay. Give me a hug.
If you ever sucker punch me again,
I'll kick your ass all the way back to the Keebler factory.
Give me a pound. Lock it down.
Break the pickle. Tickle, tickle.
- You. - No, you.
- Come on now, you. - No, you.
Well, no, you.
And so our story ends where it all began,
here in the tiny Indian village of Harenmahkeester,
in the valley of Lintinmybelli.
Oh, hi.
- Maurice. - Oh, my God. You look so beautiful.
Thank you.
Maurice. You have finally learned to love yourself.
You may now renounce your vow of chastity.
May I have the key?
There is no key. There never was.
There's a snap in the back.
Thank you, Guru Tugginmypudha. Yeah.
Are you leaving?
The last rule of guru is to rid student of the need of guru.
Yes, of course.
Okay, see you.
Doesn't work sometimes.
So, what do you want to do now?
Well, I've been wearing this belt since I was 12 years old.
What do you think I want to do now?
I want to sing!
Some people call me the space cowboy, yeah
Some call me the gangster of love
Some people call me Maurice
Because I speak of the pompatus of love
'Cause I'm a picker I'm a grinner
- I'm a lover - I'm a lover
- And I'm a sinner - And I'm a sinner
- I play my music in the sun - I play my music in the sun
- I'm a joker - I'm a joker
- I'm a smoker - I'm a smoker
- I'm a midnight toker - I'm a midnight toker
- I get my loving on the run - I get my loving on the run
I am the love guru, yeah
He's a picker He's a grinner
He's a lover He's a sinner
He plays his music in the sun
I'm a joker I'm a smoker
I'm a midnight toker
I get my loving on the run
Starting mark.
Hey, Peter, can we move the camera in?