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00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:39,096
When I was a child in India,
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00:00:39,205 --> 00:00:43,005
growing up in the tiny village
of Harenmahkeester,
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00:00:45,145 --> 00:00:47,238
I found a voice-over machine,
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00:00:48,748 --> 00:00:51,410
which I still use to this day.
5
00:00:51,518 --> 00:00:52,678
Oh, hi.
6
00:00:54,487 --> 00:00:57,521
I decided to use
the Morgan Freeman setting.
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00:00:57,624 --> 00:01:00,491
I am His Holiness the Guru Pitka.
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00:01:00,627 --> 00:01:03,755
In my book, If You're Happy
and You Know it, Think Again,
9
00:01:04,631 --> 00:01:08,795
I speak of intimacy, or "into-me-l-see."
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00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:13,168
Intimacy is like putting your wiener
on the table and having someone say,
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00:01:13,273 --> 00:01:15,764
"That looks like a penis, only smaller."
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00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:19,511
Only smaller.
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00:01:22,749 --> 00:01:26,617
Though I was raised here in India,
I was born in America,
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00:01:26,719 --> 00:01:28,710
which is where our journey begins.
15
00:01:28,822 --> 00:01:33,282
It's the story of a hockey player
named Darren Roanoke,
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00:01:33,426 --> 00:01:38,295
my most resistant student,
who became my greatest teacher.
17
00:01:39,666 --> 00:01:42,760
Or some such bullshit. I don't know.
Gotta go!
18
00:01:49,609 --> 00:01:52,134
- Hi, I'm Trent Lueders!
- And I'm Jay Kell.
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00:01:52,245 --> 00:01:54,543
Tonight is all about champions.
20
00:01:54,647 --> 00:01:55,636
But before we get going,
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00:01:55,748 --> 00:01:58,876
I'd like to start by thanking
my own personal champions.
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00:01:58,985 --> 00:02:01,146
The fans who supported me
with their cards and letters
23
00:02:01,254 --> 00:02:05,782
during my recent addiction
to peyote buttons and Frangelico.
24
00:02:05,892 --> 00:02:10,454
I've already apologized to my friends,
my family, and my god.
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00:02:10,563 --> 00:02:13,361
And now, I'd like to apologize
to Dame Judi Dench
26
00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:15,934
for my vicious and brutal attack.
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00:02:16,035 --> 00:02:20,597
I'm sorry, Judi, you did not deserve that,
and I hope the staples come out soon.
28
00:02:20,707 --> 00:02:22,402
Over to you, Trent.
29
00:02:23,510 --> 00:02:24,670
Thanks, Jay!
30
00:02:24,777 --> 00:02:27,940
Tonight, the Toronto Maple Leafs'
Darren Roanoke
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00:02:28,047 --> 00:02:30,675
is the subject of our player profile.
32
00:02:30,783 --> 00:02:32,546
Hockey has its legends.
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00:02:32,652 --> 00:02:35,951
Now, the new one, Darren Roanoke.
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00:02:38,858 --> 00:02:40,587
Known as the Tiger Woods of hockey,
35
00:02:40,693 --> 00:02:43,025
Roanoke brought the sport
to a whole new audience.
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00:02:43,129 --> 00:02:45,393
- Hey, yo, check this, son!
- Check this!
37
00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:50,560
A role model turned bad boy.
38
00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:52,661
He was in a perfect marriage.
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00:02:52,772 --> 00:02:53,898
But before the playoffs,
40
00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:57,636
he stunned the world
by separating from his wife, Prudence.
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00:02:58,244 --> 00:03:01,213
From role model to dating models.
42
00:03:03,516 --> 00:03:05,507
Roanoke found out his wife, Prudence,
43
00:03:05,618 --> 00:03:07,449
was dating the L.A. Kings' legendary
44
00:03:07,554 --> 00:03:10,853
French-Canadian goalie,
Jacques "Le Coq" Grande.
45
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:14,721
He earned his nickname, "Le Coq,"
46
00:03:14,827 --> 00:03:17,694
for reasons that cannot be stated
on this program.
47
00:03:18,331 --> 00:03:20,356
This interview is over.
48
00:03:24,170 --> 00:03:25,296
Holy...
49
00:03:26,706 --> 00:03:28,765
That's when Roanoke fell apart.
50
00:03:29,075 --> 00:03:33,171
Roanoke is hit hard.
Open net! He misses!
51
00:03:33,279 --> 00:03:34,940
Damn, damn, damn!
52
00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:40,679
But the question on everyone's mind is,
can the Leafs win without Roanoke?
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00:03:42,288 --> 00:03:44,552
Well, can we win the Cup
without Roanoke?
54
00:03:44,657 --> 00:03:46,215
Not a chance, boss.
55
00:03:46,326 --> 00:03:49,659
As long as Jacques "Le Coq" Grande
is banging Darren's wife,
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00:03:49,762 --> 00:03:51,024
Darren's toast.
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00:03:51,130 --> 00:03:55,590
My father once told me the Yankees
hired a guru to turn their team around.
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00:03:55,702 --> 00:03:56,828
I have our guru.
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00:03:56,936 --> 00:03:59,769
If he can fix Darren, we win the Cup.
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00:03:59,872 --> 00:04:02,705
They call him the Love Guru.
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00:05:00,633 --> 00:05:02,931
Tumble out of bed
and I stumble to the kitchen
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00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:05,095
Pour myself a cup of ambition
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00:05:05,204 --> 00:05:07,968
Yawning, stretching, try to come to life
64
00:05:09,942 --> 00:05:12,172
Jump in the shower
and the blood starts pumping
65
00:05:12,278 --> 00:05:14,109
Out on the streets
the traffic starts jumping
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00:05:14,213 --> 00:05:18,343
With folks like me on the job
from 9:00 to 5:00
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00:05:18,451 --> 00:05:20,749
Working 9:00 to 5:00
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00:05:20,853 --> 00:05:23,048
What a way to make a living
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00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:27,684
Barely getting by
it's all taking and no giving
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00:05:27,794 --> 00:05:32,288
They just use your mind
and they never give you credit
71
00:05:32,398 --> 00:05:37,426
It's enough to drive you crazy
if you let it
72
00:05:46,579 --> 00:05:48,945
They let your dream
just to watch them shatter
73
00:05:49,048 --> 00:05:50,948
You're just a step
on the boss man's ladder
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00:05:51,050 --> 00:05:55,646
But you've got dreams
he'll never take away
75
00:05:55,755 --> 00:05:58,280
You're in the same boat
with a lot of your friends
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00:05:58,391 --> 00:06:00,154
Waiting for the day
your ship will come in
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00:06:00,259 --> 00:06:04,628
And the tide's gonna turn
and it's all gonna roll your way
78
00:06:04,731 --> 00:06:09,225
Working 9:00 to 5:00
for service and devotion
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00:06:09,335 --> 00:06:13,795
You would think that I
would deserve a fair promotion
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00:06:13,906 --> 00:06:18,434
Want to move ahead
but the boss won't seem to let me
81
00:06:18,544 --> 00:06:23,038
I swear sometimes
that man is out to get me
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00:06:23,182 --> 00:06:25,377
Working 9:00 to 5:00
83
00:06:25,485 --> 00:06:27,646
What a way to make a living
84
00:06:27,754 --> 00:06:32,316
Barely getting by
it's all taking and no giving
85
00:06:32,425 --> 00:06:36,919
They just use your mind
and they never give you credit
86
00:06:37,029 --> 00:06:41,489
It's enough to drive you crazy
if you let it
87
00:06:41,601 --> 00:06:43,831
Working 9:00 to 5:00
88
00:06:43,936 --> 00:06:46,097
What a way to make a living
89
00:06:46,205 --> 00:06:50,733
Barely getting by
it's all taking and no giving
90
00:06:50,877 --> 00:06:55,371
They just use your mind
and they never give you credit
91
00:06:55,481 --> 00:07:00,009
It's enough to drive you crazy
if you let it
92
00:07:00,119 --> 00:07:02,747
Working 9:00 to 5:00, yeah!
93
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,264
Here we go, here we go.
94
00:07:24,076 --> 00:07:26,738
Mariska Hargitay, Speedy. Yeah.
95
00:07:27,814 --> 00:07:29,679
Ride 'em, cowboy.
96
00:07:29,782 --> 00:07:32,012
Mariska Hargitay, Your Holiness.
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00:07:33,085 --> 00:07:36,543
Rajneesh! Mariska Hargitay.
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00:07:37,056 --> 00:07:39,650
Your manager Richard Pants is here.
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00:07:39,759 --> 00:07:41,920
Dick Pants. Send him in.
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00:07:43,262 --> 00:07:45,992
Mariska Hargitay, Your Holiness.
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00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:49,100
Have you seen today's paper?
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00:07:49,202 --> 00:07:50,294
Oh, don't tell me,
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00:07:50,403 --> 00:07:53,531
it's another article about
Deepak Chopra being number one
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00:07:53,639 --> 00:07:55,334
and me being number two?
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00:07:55,441 --> 00:07:57,375
Not in as many words.
106
00:07:59,445 --> 00:08:02,175
Quaking pudding! I can't take this!
107
00:08:02,281 --> 00:08:04,340
Not again! What? Why, why?
108
00:08:04,450 --> 00:08:07,817
Babu, to be the world's second
most popular
109
00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:12,152
Neo-Eastern-Self-Help-Spiritualist
is no small thing.
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00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:17,186
Thank you, Rajneesh.
You are my compass.
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00:08:19,732 --> 00:08:21,825
Give me a pound.
112
00:08:21,934 --> 00:08:23,663
Lock it down.
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00:08:23,769 --> 00:08:25,293
Break the pickle.
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00:08:25,404 --> 00:08:26,894
Tickle, tickle.
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00:08:29,141 --> 00:08:30,130
- You!
- You!
116
00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:32,108
- Well, no, you!
- You!
117
00:08:34,647 --> 00:08:35,875
No, no, no! You!
118
00:08:35,982 --> 00:08:37,506
Okay. You!
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00:08:37,617 --> 00:08:38,914
No! You!
120
00:08:40,219 --> 00:08:41,413
Stop it!
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00:08:43,222 --> 00:08:45,816
Who's the gift basket from, Dick?
122
00:08:45,925 --> 00:08:47,893
Brad and Angelina.
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00:08:47,994 --> 00:08:51,691
It says,
"Thank you for the gift of true intimacy,
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00:08:51,797 --> 00:08:55,096
"but we've decided
to work with Deepak instead."
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00:08:55,201 --> 00:08:58,830
What does Deepak Chopra have
that I don't have?
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00:08:58,938 --> 00:09:00,929
He's been on Oprah.
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00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:02,337
Oprah!
128
00:09:03,442 --> 00:09:08,345
And Oprah loves a great story.
Now, take a look at this.
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00:09:08,481 --> 00:09:11,644
The Toronto Maple Leafs
will pay you $2 million,
130
00:09:11,751 --> 00:09:14,447
if you can get Darren Roanoke
back with his wife
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00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:16,351
in time to win the Stanley Cup.
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00:09:16,455 --> 00:09:19,447
Two million dollars!
133
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:20,787
That's a lot of cheese.
134
00:09:20,893 --> 00:09:23,453
But wait, it gets better!
135
00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:25,087
I spoke to Oprah's producers,
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00:09:25,197 --> 00:09:27,427
and if you can restore
Darren Roanoke's marriage,
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00:09:27,533 --> 00:09:30,525
they guarantee
that you will be on her show!
138
00:09:30,636 --> 00:09:33,161
Let me get this straight.
139
00:09:33,272 --> 00:09:37,265
If I fix their marriage, I get on Oprah,
140
00:09:37,376 --> 00:09:41,779
and if I get on Oprah,
I'm the next Deepak Chopra!
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00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:49,551
Deepak Chopra. Maurice Pitka.
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00:09:49,655 --> 00:09:52,920
Please enter the ashram
of the Guru Tugginmypudha.
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00:10:03,569 --> 00:10:07,471
Guru Tugginmypudha,
you are so good with nunchucks,
144
00:10:07,573 --> 00:10:09,234
yet you are blind.
145
00:10:09,375 --> 00:10:10,865
I am not blind.
146
00:10:11,110 --> 00:10:14,568
I am just severely cross-eyed.
147
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:16,648
I know, it is weird.
148
00:10:17,717 --> 00:10:19,014
Be seated.
149
00:10:31,430 --> 00:10:33,261
Deepak, here you go.
150
00:10:39,538 --> 00:10:43,099
Maurice, you're not of Indian blood.
151
00:10:44,210 --> 00:10:45,734
Speak of your parents.
152
00:10:45,845 --> 00:10:49,076
They are both dead.
They were missionaries.
153
00:10:49,181 --> 00:10:51,672
And what did they do before then?
154
00:10:51,784 --> 00:10:54,048
They were dog stylists.
155
00:10:54,153 --> 00:10:56,485
So, let me get this straight.
156
00:10:56,589 --> 00:11:00,719
They were into doggy style
before the missionary position?
157
00:11:04,597 --> 00:11:07,566
That's hilarious.
My parents are dead. Thanks.
158
00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:09,863
Deepak,
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00:11:09,969 --> 00:11:13,598
why do you want to join
the Tugginmypudha Ashram?
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00:11:13,706 --> 00:11:15,571
To seek my true self.
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00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,643
All right, kiss ass.
162
00:11:18,844 --> 00:11:22,177
Maurice, why do you want to join?
163
00:11:22,281 --> 00:11:25,375
I want to become a guru
so girls will like me.
164
00:11:25,484 --> 00:11:27,452
Then I will like myself.
165
00:11:28,754 --> 00:11:32,622
Deepak, you will enjoy love in all forms.
166
00:11:32,725 --> 00:11:35,660
Maurice, you must
wear this chastity belt.
167
00:11:39,098 --> 00:11:41,828
Chastity belt? That sucks!
168
00:11:41,934 --> 00:11:43,367
Once you have learned
169
00:11:43,469 --> 00:11:47,701
that self-love is more important
than being loved by others,
170
00:11:47,807 --> 00:11:49,206
you may remove the belt.
171
00:11:49,308 --> 00:11:54,575
Master, if I am not allowed
to be with a woman, may I still...
172
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:58,581
You will go cross-eyed!
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00:12:00,653 --> 00:12:01,984
Guaranteed.
174
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:18,898
- Mariska Hargitay. Yeah.
- Mariska Hargitay.
175
00:12:19,004 --> 00:12:21,666
I am His Holiness, the Guru Pitka.
176
00:12:21,774 --> 00:12:23,401
Welcome to my ashram,
177
00:12:23,509 --> 00:12:26,501
the Ecumenical Intuitive Enlightenment
Initiative Organization,
178
00:12:26,612 --> 00:12:29,911
or EIEIO.
179
00:12:30,015 --> 00:12:33,041
- Guru Pitka had a farm.
- EIEIO.
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00:12:33,152 --> 00:12:36,781
- And on that farm, he did no harm.
- EIEIO.
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00:12:38,991 --> 00:12:40,288
Okay.
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00:12:40,392 --> 00:12:43,953
If I sit like this any longer,
I'm gonna pop my dink bag.
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00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:47,430
Listen up. I am a guru.
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00:12:47,533 --> 00:12:49,763
Let's look at the word "guru," okay?
185
00:12:49,869 --> 00:12:54,465
My goal is to get you to say,
"Gee, you are you."
186
00:12:56,075 --> 00:12:57,474
TM.
187
00:12:57,610 --> 00:13:01,910
And the you of "guru" is intimacy.
188
00:13:02,014 --> 00:13:04,073
Or "into-me-l-see."
189
00:13:04,183 --> 00:13:05,548
I see.
190
00:13:05,651 --> 00:13:08,119
Without intimacy, you feel nowhere.
191
00:13:09,221 --> 00:13:14,989
Tonight I want you to go
from nowhere to "now here."
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00:13:16,695 --> 00:13:18,128
Yeah.
193
00:13:18,230 --> 00:13:20,357
It's like in The Electric Company,
you know?
194
00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:23,299
- Now...
- Here.
195
00:13:24,403 --> 00:13:25,665
- Nowhere.
- Nowhere.
196
00:13:26,872 --> 00:13:30,433
My laws of intimacy
are kind of like my Bible.
197
00:13:30,543 --> 00:13:33,444
And let's look at the word "Bible,"
shall we?
198
00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:37,539
The Bible is " basic instructions
before leaving earth."
199
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:38,639
TM.
200
00:13:40,553 --> 00:13:42,919
Put that shit on a T-shirt.
201
00:13:43,022 --> 00:13:44,614
Show the T-shirt.
202
00:13:45,858 --> 00:13:51,694
Now, I myself
have a guru, Guru Tugginmypudha.
203
00:13:52,298 --> 00:13:57,395
And my guru, Guru Tugginmypudha
had a guru, Guru Cheddafrumunda.
204
00:13:57,503 --> 00:14:02,202
And Guru Cheddafrumunda
had a guru, Guru Hathasmalvena.
205
00:14:02,775 --> 00:14:06,267
Guru Hathasmalvena had
two main periods of his Gita,
206
00:14:06,378 --> 00:14:08,209
or words of wisdom.
207
00:14:08,314 --> 00:14:11,841
The first period
came before he got syphilis.
208
00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:17,178
Some pre-syphilitic
words of wisdom include,
209
00:14:17,323 --> 00:14:19,723
"To know something is good.
210
00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:25,096
"To do something is God."
211
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:31,795
Then, after he got syphilis,
he would say things like,
212
00:14:31,904 --> 00:14:34,202
"Eatin' ain't cheatin'."
213
00:14:34,306 --> 00:14:37,002
"Did it smell that bad when you ate it?"
214
00:14:37,910 --> 00:14:40,504
"Liquor up front, poker in back."
215
00:14:41,614 --> 00:14:42,842
But his point was this,
216
00:14:42,948 --> 00:14:46,179
"If you can't love yourself,
you can't love another."
217
00:14:47,519 --> 00:14:50,249
And that's the end of that one. Yeah.
218
00:14:51,023 --> 00:14:52,684
Mariska Hargitay.
219
00:14:53,459 --> 00:14:55,086
Some announcements.
220
00:14:55,194 --> 00:14:56,718
On Friday, please join us
221
00:14:56,829 --> 00:15:00,424
for our first annual Gamblers
Anonymous Monte Carlo Night.
222
00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:05,400
Yeah. Just for funzies, you know.
Bring your singles. Yeah.
223
00:15:05,504 --> 00:15:08,200
All right, good night, everyone! Yeah!
224
00:15:08,307 --> 00:15:10,070
Thank you so much!
225
00:15:22,187 --> 00:15:24,178
Great show, Guru Pitka.
226
00:15:24,290 --> 00:15:27,054
Hey, any bears in the cave?
227
00:15:27,159 --> 00:15:28,490
- Any bears?
- Oh, yeah.
228
00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:30,892
Bear cub. Left cave.
229
00:15:30,996 --> 00:15:32,156
- Right here?
- There. Right there.
230
00:15:32,264 --> 00:15:33,253
Yeah. Right.
231
00:15:33,365 --> 00:15:36,994
That little booger gave me a
nose-whistle during the whole show.
232
00:15:43,375 --> 00:15:45,366
Now, I'm ready to receive.
233
00:15:48,314 --> 00:15:50,248
Mariska Hargitay, Your Holiness.
234
00:15:50,349 --> 00:15:52,817
Mariska Hargitay, Jessica Simpson.
235
00:16:02,528 --> 00:16:05,122
Did you get into the VIP room okay?
236
00:16:07,199 --> 00:16:08,757
I love you.
237
00:16:10,169 --> 00:16:12,399
Mariska Hargitay, Your Holiness.
238
00:16:12,504 --> 00:16:14,665
Mariska Hargitay, Val Kilmer.
239
00:16:23,749 --> 00:16:25,444
Why do you hurt me?
240
00:16:27,386 --> 00:16:29,251
I know why. I know why.
241
00:16:30,022 --> 00:16:33,287
- Mariska Hargitay, Guru Pitka.
- Mariska Hargitay...
242
00:16:37,196 --> 00:16:39,357
Mariska Hargitay.
243
00:16:39,465 --> 00:16:41,262
I so enjoyed your sutra,
244
00:16:41,367 --> 00:16:43,426
especially the part
about not being a victim.
245
00:16:43,535 --> 00:16:44,502
Well, thank you.
246
00:16:44,603 --> 00:16:46,901
Because you are such
a generous benefactor,
247
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:50,942
we are establishing the
"Mariska Hargitay Special Victims Unit."
248
00:16:56,548 --> 00:16:57,879
The whole nine yards.
249
00:16:57,983 --> 00:16:59,814
Thank you, Your Holiness.
250
00:16:59,918 --> 00:17:04,048
You have gone
from nowhere to now here.
251
00:17:05,624 --> 00:17:08,024
I'm beautiful and I have a secret.
252
00:17:08,994 --> 00:17:10,120
Bang.
253
00:17:13,899 --> 00:17:14,957
Yes.
254
00:17:15,067 --> 00:17:20,232
Guru Pitka, this is Jane Bullard,
owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs.
255
00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:53,034
- Guru Pitka?
- Hold on one second.
256
00:17:53,138 --> 00:17:54,969
Guru Pitka?
257
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:56,598
No!
258
00:17:58,944 --> 00:18:01,572
So, you are the owner
of the ice hockey team,
259
00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:03,614
the Toronto Maple Leaves?
260
00:18:03,715 --> 00:18:06,513
- Actually, it's Leafs.
- Who said that?
261
00:18:07,586 --> 00:18:09,451
How did you get there?
262
00:18:10,589 --> 00:18:12,454
This little guy
scared the crap out of me.
263
00:18:12,558 --> 00:18:13,889
I think I'm gonna have to do
a panty check.
264
00:18:13,992 --> 00:18:16,859
I might have some
monkey-mustard back there.
265
00:18:16,962 --> 00:18:18,520
No, I am good.
266
00:18:18,630 --> 00:18:20,621
Who is this prick?
267
00:18:20,732 --> 00:18:23,462
Well, how do you do? Shrimp?
268
00:18:24,503 --> 00:18:26,130
What'd you call me, Jagamo?
269
00:18:26,238 --> 00:18:29,002
I'm sorry,
I didn't catch your gnome... Name!
270
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:31,736
You are a midget.
271
00:18:32,544 --> 00:18:34,671
I find that term condescending!
272
00:18:34,780 --> 00:18:38,443
Condescending.
That's a big word for you.
273
00:18:39,818 --> 00:18:41,115
The man's an ass!
274
00:18:41,220 --> 00:18:44,314
Your Holiness, you're an expert on love.
275
00:18:44,423 --> 00:18:45,447
Yes, I am.
276
00:18:45,557 --> 00:18:48,526
Why do you think Darren Roanoke
threw away his marriage?
277
00:18:48,627 --> 00:18:52,222
Well, in my book,
I Know You Are, But What Am I?
278
00:18:52,331 --> 00:18:54,356
I explain that when love goes wrong...
279
00:18:54,466 --> 00:18:56,058
- Nothing goes right.
...nothing goes right.
280
00:18:56,168 --> 00:18:58,762
- Yes!
- I've read it. It's impressive.
281
00:18:58,871 --> 00:19:01,305
Yeah, it's nothing short
of a masterpiece.
282
00:19:01,406 --> 00:19:04,603
So, do you think you can come back
with us to Toronto in the team jet?
283
00:19:04,710 --> 00:19:07,201
- It's a date.
- Is it, now?
284
00:19:07,312 --> 00:19:11,009
Well, this kitten's got a whip. Meow!
285
00:19:14,353 --> 00:19:16,583
This is great, Your Holiness!
286
00:19:16,688 --> 00:19:21,057
I can see you now,
spreading your message of self-love
287
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:23,151
- on Oprah.
- Oprah!
288
00:19:23,262 --> 00:19:25,560
He's finally here for the first time
on the Oprah show.
289
00:19:25,664 --> 00:19:27,859
Welcome Guru Pitka.
290
00:19:31,803 --> 00:19:35,739
Oprah! Come on, Oprah.
291
00:19:41,547 --> 00:19:44,573
Hello. Thank you very much.
292
00:19:45,751 --> 00:19:49,619
Mariska Hargitay.
Thank you for the gift of water.
293
00:19:49,721 --> 00:19:52,155
All right, I'm just gonna
come out and say it.
294
00:19:52,257 --> 00:19:54,919
I find your work really inspiring.
295
00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:58,986
I actually went to one of your sutras
after my father passed away.
296
00:19:59,097 --> 00:20:01,759
I'm sorry to hear about your father.
297
00:20:01,900 --> 00:20:04,095
Have you read my book
on the grieving process?
298
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:07,502
It's called, What's This?
A Dead One of These.
299
00:20:09,141 --> 00:20:11,006
- Yes.
- Oh, you have?
300
00:20:11,109 --> 00:20:15,671
I especially like the chapter,
"It Might Just Be Sleeping."
301
00:20:15,781 --> 00:20:17,544
My favorite.
302
00:20:17,649 --> 00:20:20,083
- I've read all your books.
- Oh. Well.
303
00:20:20,185 --> 00:20:24,019
To tell you the truth,
I kind of have a schoolgirl crush.
304
00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:26,422
Oh, really?
305
00:20:27,492 --> 00:20:30,393
What does your husband
think about this crush?
306
00:20:30,495 --> 00:20:32,725
I'm not married.
307
00:20:32,831 --> 00:20:34,765
- Boyfriend?
- Nope.
308
00:20:36,735 --> 00:20:38,066
Girlfriend?
309
00:20:39,571 --> 00:20:41,766
Well, I mean,
there was one time in college.
310
00:20:41,873 --> 00:20:43,636
Really?
311
00:20:43,742 --> 00:20:46,438
- What was that?
- I didn't hear anything.
312
00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:52,713
Well, it's hard to believe a girl like you
can't find a man.
313
00:20:52,818 --> 00:20:54,342
What does that mean, "a girl like me"?
314
00:20:54,453 --> 00:20:56,478
Well, come on, I don't have words for it.
315
00:20:56,588 --> 00:21:01,548
You know, nice girl, intelligent,
316
00:21:01,660 --> 00:21:07,428
bedroom eyes, pouty lips, great rack,
tight bell-shaped ass,
317
00:21:07,532 --> 00:21:08,760
thicker than a Snicker...
318
00:21:10,369 --> 00:21:11,336
Say.
319
00:21:12,571 --> 00:21:15,768
My problem with men
is the Bullard Curse.
320
00:21:15,874 --> 00:21:17,671
What's a Bullard Curse?
321
00:21:17,776 --> 00:21:22,975
My father, Hank Bullard,
bought the Leafs in 1967.
322
00:21:23,315 --> 00:21:25,715
And we haven't
won a Stanley Cup since.
323
00:21:25,817 --> 00:21:28,813
So, all the men in the city
blame me and my family.
324
00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:32,583
Well, as I write in my book
Stop Hitting Yourself.
325
00:21:32,691 --> 00:21:34,591
Stop Hitting Yourself.
326
00:21:34,693 --> 00:21:37,389
Why Are You Still Hitting Yourself?
327
00:21:37,496 --> 00:21:41,489
I explain that,
people may say bad things about you,
328
00:21:42,668 --> 00:21:45,865
but you must never
say bad things about yourself.
329
00:21:48,473 --> 00:21:51,704
I see someone who's ready for change.
330
00:21:51,810 --> 00:21:53,744
It would just be easier to change,
331
00:21:53,845 --> 00:21:56,439
if I didn't have to deal with the city
that hates me.
332
00:21:56,548 --> 00:21:59,381
Jane, the City of Toronto
doesn't hate you.
333
00:21:59,484 --> 00:22:01,315
- Oh, yeah, they do.
- Oh, no, they don't.
334
00:22:01,420 --> 00:22:03,047
- Oh, yeah, they do.
- Oh, no, they don't.
335
00:22:03,155 --> 00:22:04,213
Trust me.
336
00:22:04,323 --> 00:22:06,188
At the arena,
I had Maintenance paint lines
337
00:22:06,291 --> 00:22:07,758
to show me
where the crowd can't see me.
338
00:22:12,631 --> 00:22:18,467
You know, so they don't boo me
and throw stuff at my head.
339
00:22:21,506 --> 00:22:25,442
I mean, I didn't even ask for this job!
I guess it's just my fate!
340
00:22:25,544 --> 00:22:27,136
Fate is a joke.
341
00:22:27,245 --> 00:22:31,739
And as I once read on a wall,
in a truck stop bathroom in Barstow,
342
00:22:31,850 --> 00:22:35,115
"The joke is in your hands."
343
00:22:38,056 --> 00:22:40,149
Oh, my God, I just got that!
344
00:22:41,693 --> 00:22:45,459
Well, to be more accurate,
the joke was in Rajneesh's hands.
345
00:22:48,834 --> 00:22:49,801
What?
346
00:23:03,048 --> 00:23:04,515
Nice shooting!
347
00:23:06,318 --> 00:23:09,082
I am His Holiness, the Guru Pitka.
348
00:23:09,187 --> 00:23:10,814
Look, man,
just get back on your pillow, all right?
349
00:23:10,922 --> 00:23:13,356
There ain't no connection
between my love life and my hockey.
350
00:23:13,458 --> 00:23:15,085
I'm not here to work with you.
351
00:23:15,193 --> 00:23:18,060
I just came by to say hello and goodbye.
352
00:23:18,163 --> 00:23:19,562
- Goodbye?
- Yeah.
353
00:23:19,664 --> 00:23:21,529
I spoke with your wife, Prudence.
354
00:23:21,666 --> 00:23:25,727
She broke it off with Grande,
and now she wants you back!
355
00:23:25,837 --> 00:23:28,772
- Seriously?
- Sure. You don't need me.
356
00:23:28,907 --> 00:23:31,137
Go back to what you were doing.
357
00:23:40,118 --> 00:23:41,142
Yes!
358
00:23:41,253 --> 00:23:43,721
There is one other thing.
359
00:23:43,822 --> 00:23:45,050
I lied.
360
00:23:45,157 --> 00:23:46,590
Prudence is still with Jacques Grande,
361
00:23:46,691 --> 00:23:49,717
and he still has
the biggest wiener in hockey.
362
00:23:53,765 --> 00:23:57,166
- Is it true?
- Yes, he has a ginormous hog.
363
00:23:57,269 --> 00:24:00,102
Do you still think there is no connection
364
00:24:00,238 --> 00:24:03,571
between Prudence
and how crappy you are playing?
365
00:24:03,675 --> 00:24:04,972
Tell me this.
366
00:24:05,076 --> 00:24:07,010
- Do you want Prudence back?
- Of course I do.
367
00:24:07,112 --> 00:24:10,013
Then I need you
to write Prudence an apology letter,
368
00:24:10,115 --> 00:24:12,447
and I will go deliver it to her.
369
00:24:12,584 --> 00:24:14,848
All bids for connection count.
370
00:24:16,888 --> 00:24:20,585
- What if it doesn't work?
- I can always refund your misery.
371
00:24:23,228 --> 00:24:25,162
I was ominous just then.
372
00:24:43,782 --> 00:24:46,444
Grande's not going to like you
talking to Prudence.
373
00:24:46,585 --> 00:24:49,782
I know, but I must deliver
this apology letter to her.
374
00:24:49,888 --> 00:24:53,551
- Do you think Grande saw us?
- Of course not, Rajneesh.
375
00:24:53,658 --> 00:24:56,286
We are completely hidden by this bush.
376
00:24:59,464 --> 00:25:02,627
This may go badly.
377
00:25:03,869 --> 00:25:05,928
Keep the elephant running.
378
00:25:10,175 --> 00:25:11,403
Prudence?
379
00:25:13,678 --> 00:25:15,305
My little cabbage?
380
00:25:24,623 --> 00:25:26,250
While I do your calves,
I'd like to sing a song
381
00:25:26,358 --> 00:25:32,160
by the greatest singer ever
from Quebec, Miss Celine Dion.
382
00:25:33,398 --> 00:25:37,198
You were my strength when I was weak
383
00:25:37,302 --> 00:25:41,261
You were my voice
when I couldn't speak
384
00:25:41,373 --> 00:25:43,238
You were my eyes when I...
385
00:25:50,749 --> 00:25:54,617
You saw the best there was in me
386
00:25:58,089 --> 00:25:59,056
No!
387
00:25:59,157 --> 00:26:00,920
You were my eye...
388
00:26:02,460 --> 00:26:05,054
Do not peck my fucking eyes!
Don't peck my eyes!
389
00:26:05,163 --> 00:26:09,031
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
390
00:26:09,134 --> 00:26:13,764
You gave me faith 'cause you believed
391
00:26:13,872 --> 00:26:17,239
I'm everything I am
392
00:26:17,342 --> 00:26:19,936
Because you love me
393
00:26:20,078 --> 00:26:21,443
That was beautiful.
394
00:26:21,546 --> 00:26:27,348
And now, I'd like to show my love
by making for you a Quebec pizza.
395
00:26:27,452 --> 00:26:30,478
- What's that?
- Pop-Tart with the ketchup.
396
00:26:30,589 --> 00:26:31,954
She's good.
397
00:26:35,827 --> 00:26:39,160
Guru Pitka? What happened to you?
398
00:26:41,866 --> 00:26:44,562
Nothing. Why do you ask?
399
00:26:47,472 --> 00:26:51,465
We've not much time.
I have an apology letter from Darren.
400
00:26:53,545 --> 00:26:57,777
Well, you know, I got attacked
by a rooster. So, you know.
401
00:26:57,882 --> 00:26:59,349
Yeah.
402
00:26:59,451 --> 00:27:02,443
So he writes one stupid note
and you expect me to take him back?
403
00:27:02,554 --> 00:27:04,954
- Perhaps I can change him.
- Ding-dong.
404
00:27:05,090 --> 00:27:08,924
Did someone order
the special Quebec pizza, eh?
405
00:27:09,060 --> 00:27:11,119
You know, like in the porno.
406
00:27:12,530 --> 00:27:15,431
- Who is this in my house?
- Whoa!
407
00:27:18,403 --> 00:27:21,531
Looks like he's smuggling a schnauzer.
408
00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:22,732
Yeah.
409
00:27:23,675 --> 00:27:24,869
Let me show you out.
410
00:27:24,976 --> 00:27:26,204
Down, boy.
411
00:27:27,178 --> 00:27:28,805
Read the letter.
412
00:27:32,450 --> 00:27:33,849
- Nice place, eh?
- Yeah.
413
00:27:33,952 --> 00:27:35,715
And I got her cheap.
414
00:27:35,820 --> 00:27:39,153
So, it's an honor to have you
here in my house, Guru Pitka.
415
00:27:39,257 --> 00:27:41,384
I think you are an amazing guru, and...
416
00:27:41,493 --> 00:27:42,790
Hey! Mister!
417
00:27:43,762 --> 00:27:46,424
What did you do to my rooster?
418
00:27:46,865 --> 00:27:49,493
I don't know what you're talking about.
419
00:27:51,770 --> 00:27:53,931
Stay away from my girlfriend!
420
00:27:58,309 --> 00:27:59,867
The Wolverine.
421
00:28:12,857 --> 00:28:16,793
Don't look at me with that tone of voice,
or I punch you in the shirt!
422
00:28:16,895 --> 00:28:18,385
Okay, gotta go.
423
00:28:20,198 --> 00:28:21,790
Beat it. I gotta take a dump.
424
00:28:21,900 --> 00:28:23,424
Bodhisattva!
425
00:28:28,473 --> 00:28:33,708
Hello, superstar.
Welcome to my new Toronto ashram.
426
00:28:33,812 --> 00:28:35,143
Uncle Jack.
427
00:28:35,246 --> 00:28:36,804
Can I get a hand
getting off this elephant?
428
00:28:36,915 --> 00:28:40,681
Darren, if your Uncle Jack
helped you off an elephant,
429
00:28:40,785 --> 00:28:43,811
would you help your Uncle
Jack off an elephant?
430
00:28:47,025 --> 00:28:48,754
That's funny to you?
431
00:28:49,828 --> 00:28:51,921
I don't know where I get it.
432
00:28:52,030 --> 00:28:54,294
So did you give Prudence
my apology letter or what?
433
00:28:54,399 --> 00:28:57,095
- Yes, of course!
- Did it work?
434
00:28:57,202 --> 00:28:59,295
Let me answer it this way.
435
00:29:03,374 --> 00:29:05,604
- You're an idiot.
- Yes, I am!
436
00:29:12,484 --> 00:29:15,453
Now, your entourage must stay behind.
437
00:29:15,587 --> 00:29:17,350
No, no, no, no, no. They protect me.
438
00:29:17,455 --> 00:29:20,982
Well, they didn't protect you
from that outfit, now, did they?
439
00:29:21,092 --> 00:29:22,616
What?
440
00:29:22,727 --> 00:29:24,285
What's wrong with shark skin?
441
00:29:24,395 --> 00:29:27,330
More like gay-skin, how about.
What? Yeah.
442
00:29:29,501 --> 00:29:30,627
Snaps.
443
00:29:32,170 --> 00:29:36,197
- Right, let's talk about Jacques Grande!
- No! Leave that man out of this.
444
00:29:36,307 --> 00:29:37,501
You feel inadequate,
445
00:29:37,609 --> 00:29:43,104
because he has plenty of clarity,
organization, charm, and knowledge.
446
00:29:43,214 --> 00:29:44,272
TM.
447
00:29:46,050 --> 00:29:48,985
Yeah, he's got a lot of that, all right.
448
00:29:49,087 --> 00:29:51,851
Therefore, he's able to say to Prudence,
449
00:29:51,956 --> 00:29:55,687
"Be loving and open-hearted
with my emotions."
450
00:29:56,961 --> 00:29:58,121
TM.
451
00:29:59,430 --> 00:30:01,159
You better stop right there.
452
00:30:01,266 --> 00:30:05,066
Blowme is a good way
to remember that. Blowme, yeah.
453
00:30:05,170 --> 00:30:08,571
Blowme, yeah. Blowme.
454
00:30:08,673 --> 00:30:09,833
Blowme.
455
00:30:10,642 --> 00:30:13,907
- You should stop.
- Well, I'm sure you're sick of this.
456
00:30:14,045 --> 00:30:16,775
I know Prudence
has had it up to here with Grande.
457
00:30:16,881 --> 00:30:18,849
All right, you know what?
458
00:30:23,688 --> 00:30:25,212
I can't move my body!
459
00:30:25,323 --> 00:30:28,952
It is an Indian martial art
known as "how to hurt a guy."
460
00:30:29,060 --> 00:30:30,960
I am poking your third eye.
461
00:30:31,062 --> 00:30:34,259
And if I twist my thumb,
I can make you crap yourself!
462
00:30:34,365 --> 00:30:36,094
So, what do you want me to do?
463
00:30:36,868 --> 00:30:39,962
What I need is to get you
to follow my method, Drama.
464
00:30:40,371 --> 00:30:42,339
We must distract you
from your emotional pain,
465
00:30:42,440 --> 00:30:44,169
regress you back to your childhood.
466
00:30:44,275 --> 00:30:48,575
We must adjust your negativity,
mature you, and put it all into action.
467
00:30:48,746 --> 00:30:52,682
If you follow my method,
not only will you win Stanley's Cup,
468
00:30:52,784 --> 00:30:55,014
but you'll also get Prudence back.
469
00:30:55,119 --> 00:30:56,211
You think this'll work?
470
00:30:56,321 --> 00:30:57,879
- Depends.
- Depends on what?
471
00:30:57,989 --> 00:31:00,082
No, you might want to
pick up some Depends.
472
00:31:00,191 --> 00:31:02,785
I may have twisted my thumb. Yeah.
473
00:31:02,894 --> 00:31:04,452
Check for coins.
474
00:31:04,562 --> 00:31:05,529
Think fast.
475
00:31:05,997 --> 00:31:07,191
Drama!
476
00:31:08,700 --> 00:31:09,962
Drama.
477
00:31:12,403 --> 00:31:17,773
Students, now I am going to teach you
the "D" of drama. Distraction.
478
00:31:22,080 --> 00:31:25,208
Maurice, if Plato,
Shakespeare and Einstein
479
00:31:25,416 --> 00:31:27,611
were talking about the meaning of life,
480
00:31:27,752 --> 00:31:30,778
and two elephants
started humping outside,
481
00:31:30,889 --> 00:31:32,914
even they would rush to the window.
482
00:31:33,024 --> 00:31:34,992
It is the ultimate distraction.
483
00:31:37,262 --> 00:31:40,561
We shall now compete in a game of tag.
484
00:31:40,665 --> 00:31:42,565
It is called Stink Mop.
485
00:31:43,368 --> 00:31:45,063
Enter, Sanjay!
486
00:31:49,941 --> 00:31:51,875
Enter, Maurice.
487
00:31:59,918 --> 00:32:02,580
Commence Stink Mop.
488
00:32:04,489 --> 00:32:06,184
Stink Mop! Stink Mop!
489
00:32:06,324 --> 00:32:08,588
- Stink Mop.
- Go.
490
00:32:10,962 --> 00:32:12,896
- Stink Mop.
- Stink Mop!
491
00:32:13,831 --> 00:32:15,264
Maurice.
492
00:32:15,366 --> 00:32:18,028
What are you not thinking about?
493
00:32:18,136 --> 00:32:20,832
I am not thinking about my chastity belt.
494
00:32:20,939 --> 00:32:23,840
- That is distraction.
- Yes!
495
00:32:23,942 --> 00:32:26,433
I get it! I am distracted!
496
00:32:31,416 --> 00:32:34,544
Good distraction frees us
from emotional pain.
497
00:32:34,652 --> 00:32:36,916
Bad distraction gives you
a mouth full of whizz.
498
00:32:45,063 --> 00:32:49,090
- Once again, I'm Trent Lueders.
- And I'm Jay Kell.
499
00:32:49,233 --> 00:32:50,427
Go, Leafs, go! Go, Leafs, go!
500
00:32:50,535 --> 00:32:52,469
Tonight, game one
of the Stanley Cup Finals.
501
00:32:52,570 --> 00:32:56,734
L.A. Kings, Toronto Maple Leafs.
It's gonna get ugly.
502
00:32:56,841 --> 00:32:59,401
Ugly. You want to hear ugly?
503
00:32:59,510 --> 00:33:02,445
At Promises, I shivved a guy
with a sharpened toothbrush
504
00:33:02,547 --> 00:33:05,015
because he bogarted
the rehab toilet hooch
505
00:33:05,116 --> 00:33:07,914
that I'd made
from apples and pantyhose.
506
00:33:08,019 --> 00:33:10,283
That was ugly.
507
00:33:10,388 --> 00:33:12,185
Over to you, Trent.
508
00:33:12,290 --> 00:33:13,689
Thanks, Jay.
509
00:33:14,492 --> 00:33:16,187
All right, guys. Bring it in.
510
00:33:16,294 --> 00:33:19,457
Let's rip off their heads
and shit down their necks!
511
00:33:19,564 --> 00:33:20,861
Yeah!
512
00:33:20,965 --> 00:33:23,024
- Go! Go!
- Here we go!
513
00:33:23,134 --> 00:33:26,103
Now, the first lesson is distraction.
514
00:33:26,204 --> 00:33:27,728
In order to learn distraction,
515
00:33:27,839 --> 00:33:30,569
you're not allowed to fight anyone
in today's hockey match.
516
00:33:30,675 --> 00:33:31,642
I'm a hockey player!
517
00:33:31,743 --> 00:33:33,005
That's what hockey players do.
We fight!
518
00:33:33,111 --> 00:33:34,408
It's a problem.
519
00:33:34,512 --> 00:33:39,074
Even Jay-Z had 99 of them,
and the bitch was not one of them.
520
00:33:39,884 --> 00:33:42,682
Now, do you want to win Stanley's Cup?
521
00:33:42,787 --> 00:33:45,085
Yes, I wanna win the Stanley Cup!
522
00:33:45,189 --> 00:33:48,522
Then you are not allowed
to fight anyone for any reason!
523
00:33:51,696 --> 00:33:54,893
Don't fight!
Now, get out there, and don't kill them.
524
00:33:59,170 --> 00:34:00,899
- What is that?
- Corn dog.
525
00:34:01,939 --> 00:34:03,065
What is it?
526
00:34:03,174 --> 00:34:05,369
Is it made from dog?
527
00:34:05,476 --> 00:34:07,376
What a freaking idiot.
528
00:34:08,946 --> 00:34:11,540
Is this a dog's thingy?
Am I being punk'd?
529
00:34:12,917 --> 00:34:16,444
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Leafs take the ice.
530
00:34:26,798 --> 00:34:29,062
Hello, Los Angeles Kings.
531
00:34:29,167 --> 00:34:31,260
I am His Holiness, the Guru Pitka.
532
00:34:31,369 --> 00:34:34,065
And I have a message
from Darren Roanoke.
533
00:34:34,172 --> 00:34:38,666
He told me to tell you
that you're all his bitches,
534
00:34:39,677 --> 00:34:42,373
and that you can suck his big greasy...
535
00:34:44,949 --> 00:34:46,541
Mariska Hargitay.
536
00:34:51,789 --> 00:34:54,849
- I'm gonna kill you, Roanoke!
- You're dead, Roanoke!
537
00:34:54,959 --> 00:34:55,983
Damn, Roanoke!
538
00:34:56,094 --> 00:35:00,053
And we're getting ready to drop the
puck for game one of the Finals.
539
00:35:00,164 --> 00:35:04,533
- I know I'm excited, Jay. How are you?
- I am rigid.
540
00:35:15,913 --> 00:35:17,744
It's a yard sale!
541
00:35:20,151 --> 00:35:22,381
- What?
- Not to fight.
542
00:35:22,487 --> 00:35:24,616
You are not to fight anyone.
543
00:35:38,636 --> 00:35:41,332
I would not wanna be his nutsack.
544
00:35:42,006 --> 00:35:44,668
They're coming after Roanoke!
545
00:35:50,148 --> 00:35:51,308
Get up!
546
00:35:55,219 --> 00:35:56,481
What the hell are you doing?
547
00:35:56,587 --> 00:35:59,613
Superstar, look at your hands.
548
00:36:00,658 --> 00:36:02,888
- They're not shaking!
- Yes.
549
00:36:05,696 --> 00:36:08,392
Roanoke with the puck. What a pass!
550
00:36:09,333 --> 00:36:10,425
Goal!
551
00:36:10,535 --> 00:36:14,801
Roanoke may be fighting for his life,
but he's playing great!
552
00:36:21,445 --> 00:36:25,814
Rob Blake is lucky
the refs didn't see that.
553
00:36:25,917 --> 00:36:28,909
But the refs will see that
on our post-game highlight reel.
554
00:36:29,020 --> 00:36:33,855
That is the Altoids " Curiously Strong
Elbow to the Face" of the game.
555
00:36:33,958 --> 00:36:36,552
Oh, God. Am I still dreaming?
556
00:36:37,962 --> 00:36:40,089
No. Why do you ask?
557
00:36:42,166 --> 00:36:43,360
Why'd you tell me not to fight?
558
00:36:43,467 --> 00:36:47,062
Because you are now distracted,
therefore playing better.
559
00:36:47,171 --> 00:36:48,604
It's the only way.
560
00:36:48,706 --> 00:36:50,037
Yeah, well,
I can't keep getting my ass kicked!
561
00:36:50,141 --> 00:36:53,702
Fine! Fight anyone for any reason.
562
00:36:53,811 --> 00:36:55,369
You just said don't fight...
563
00:36:55,479 --> 00:36:58,676
- What, it's just arbitrary with you?
- Of course not!
564
00:36:58,783 --> 00:37:01,081
But we will let the dice decide.
565
00:37:03,154 --> 00:37:06,646
Yes, it is arbitrary!
Fight anyone for any reason!
566
00:37:12,263 --> 00:37:13,696
Fight anyone.
567
00:37:21,772 --> 00:37:24,002
It's a bench-clearing brawl!
568
00:37:25,443 --> 00:37:27,604
Remember, kids, this is not
how you play hockey.
569
00:37:27,712 --> 00:37:29,976
- It's just ugly.
- I like it.
570
00:37:36,787 --> 00:37:38,152
That was a good one.
571
00:37:40,825 --> 00:37:43,020
One game suspension, Roanoke!
572
00:37:43,127 --> 00:37:45,493
Way to go, Roanoke! You jag-off!
573
00:37:47,365 --> 00:37:51,461
- Him, too?
- Anyone for any reason.
574
00:37:57,375 --> 00:38:00,208
I love my job!
575
00:38:01,846 --> 00:38:04,747
- Two games!
- Now, it's a two-game suspension.
576
00:38:04,849 --> 00:38:08,478
That would mean Roanoke
would be out for game two and three!
577
00:38:08,586 --> 00:38:10,053
He could play in game four.
578
00:38:10,154 --> 00:38:12,452
Of course, we don't know
if we're going to game five!
579
00:38:12,556 --> 00:38:15,116
Two and three, out,
can't play in the game.
580
00:38:15,226 --> 00:38:17,490
He could watch the game at home,
but he can't play!
581
00:38:17,595 --> 00:38:20,029
He can pretend to play
while he's at home,
582
00:38:20,131 --> 00:38:25,125
but he cannot play on the ice
in the game that we're watching,
583
00:38:25,236 --> 00:38:28,672
which is after this game,
'cause we're in game one.
584
00:38:28,773 --> 00:38:31,401
You have a firm grasp of the obvious.
585
00:38:34,412 --> 00:38:35,936
How could he do that?
586
00:38:39,183 --> 00:38:40,810
Are you all right?
587
00:38:42,920 --> 00:38:47,414
I'd like to thank the Academy.
Wow, these things are heavy. Yeah.
588
00:38:47,558 --> 00:38:49,423
- Put me down, A-hole!
- Okay.
589
00:38:51,429 --> 00:38:55,388
And the Kings take the first game
of the Stanley Cup Finals.
590
00:38:56,934 --> 00:38:58,128
Damn it!
591
00:38:58,836 --> 00:39:00,827
Cherkov, relax!
592
00:39:00,938 --> 00:39:03,566
- Now, everyone, let's just take a seat.
- Okay.
593
00:39:11,215 --> 00:39:15,447
First of all, let's agree next time
we decide to have a group meeting,
594
00:39:15,553 --> 00:39:17,544
we take it in my office.
595
00:39:19,190 --> 00:39:22,455
Now, Guru Pitka here
obviously has a plan.
596
00:39:22,560 --> 00:39:26,360
So, Guru, enlighten us.
What is your plan?
597
00:39:26,464 --> 00:39:30,059
Frankly, this is completely unexpected,
and I'm scared shitless.
598
00:39:30,167 --> 00:39:31,657
- No, no!
- Let me at him!
599
00:39:31,769 --> 00:39:34,499
- Take it easy, Frodo.
- No! Get back! No!
600
00:39:35,439 --> 00:39:36,736
No! No!
601
00:39:37,541 --> 00:39:39,065
Hippie queer!
602
00:39:39,176 --> 00:39:41,508
- Throw a hex on you.
- Okay, okay.
603
00:39:41,612 --> 00:39:45,173
Isn't there any way
that you could skip a step or two?
604
00:39:45,282 --> 00:39:48,217
No way!
With Drama, there is no shortcuts.
605
00:39:48,319 --> 00:39:50,947
We must now
take him back to his childhood.
606
00:39:51,055 --> 00:39:53,387
- His childhood?
- Yes.
607
00:39:53,491 --> 00:39:55,482
His mother only lives an hour away,
608
00:39:55,593 --> 00:39:57,720
but he won't allow her
to go to the games.
609
00:39:57,828 --> 00:39:59,227
Interesting.
610
00:39:59,697 --> 00:40:02,666
He won't allow his mother
to come to any of his games!
611
00:40:02,767 --> 00:40:05,634
Come, Rajneesh, a breakthrough!
612
00:40:05,736 --> 00:40:07,465
Little help, please!
613
00:40:10,808 --> 00:40:12,207
Okay. All right.
614
00:40:12,743 --> 00:40:14,802
- You're leaving?
- Yes.
615
00:40:14,912 --> 00:40:17,938
- Where are you going?
- To see Darren.
616
00:40:18,048 --> 00:40:20,881
Jane, I promise you,
everything will be fine.
617
00:40:20,985 --> 00:40:23,249
Come by my ashram, then I will explain.
618
00:40:23,354 --> 00:40:25,049
Coach Cherkov, I would invite you,
619
00:40:25,156 --> 00:40:28,683
but I know you have your meeting
with the Lollipop Guild.
620
00:40:35,297 --> 00:40:37,663
Why won't you let your mother come to
any of your hockey games?
621
00:40:37,766 --> 00:40:39,199
'Cause, man,
I don't play well around her, man.
622
00:40:39,301 --> 00:40:40,495
She freaks me out.
623
00:40:40,602 --> 00:40:43,070
Then tomorrow we will go to her!
624
00:40:43,171 --> 00:40:46,629
- Oh, hell no! Oh, hell no!
- Oh, hells yes!
625
00:41:00,188 --> 00:41:01,849
- Yeah.
- This ain't Driving Miss Daisy, man.
626
00:41:01,957 --> 00:41:03,891
I'll break your fingers.
627
00:41:14,202 --> 00:41:15,760
Okay. Yo, this my street right here.
628
00:41:15,871 --> 00:41:17,429
- Tonawanda Street.
- Tonawanda Street?
629
00:41:17,539 --> 00:41:18,733
I know this street.
630
00:41:18,840 --> 00:41:20,535
- You do?
- Yes.
631
00:41:20,642 --> 00:41:23,941
- At what number did you live?
- Fifty-three.
632
00:41:24,045 --> 00:41:26,570
Do you know a Dickie Withers at 85?
633
00:41:26,681 --> 00:41:28,080
- No.
- Well, it does.
634
00:41:29,117 --> 00:41:32,553
A dickie does wither at 85.
I own you! Yeah!
635
00:41:32,654 --> 00:41:34,451
Yeah! You are laughing!
636
00:41:34,589 --> 00:41:37,990
You see, you're filled with joy of a child!
637
00:41:38,093 --> 00:41:40,584
You are now ready to meet your ma.
638
00:41:44,699 --> 00:41:47,167
I'm warning you, GP, my mom's tough.
639
00:41:47,269 --> 00:41:49,669
Oh, please. How bad can she be?
640
00:41:50,138 --> 00:41:52,800
Raise it up and make a joyful noise
641
00:41:52,908 --> 00:41:55,604
Oh, I shall not be moved
642
00:41:55,710 --> 00:41:59,305
- No, no, no, no
- No, I shall not be moved
643
00:41:59,414 --> 00:42:00,381
No, no
644
00:42:00,482 --> 00:42:04,043
Lead me to your rock
645
00:42:04,152 --> 00:42:06,780
Where I shall not be
646
00:42:06,888 --> 00:42:12,087
I shall not be moved
647
00:42:12,894 --> 00:42:15,624
Remember, Darren,
you must stand up to her.
648
00:42:15,730 --> 00:42:16,754
Got it.
649
00:42:16,865 --> 00:42:19,197
- Baby boy.
- Oh, Mom.
650
00:42:20,669 --> 00:42:23,103
Now, why won't you let your ma
come see you play?
651
00:42:23,205 --> 00:42:25,799
It's just that you're not always
the most supportive, Ma.
652
00:42:25,907 --> 00:42:27,397
Supportive?
653
00:42:30,045 --> 00:42:31,945
Pressure makes diamonds.
654
00:42:32,047 --> 00:42:34,106
Pressure also makes rubble.
655
00:42:36,117 --> 00:42:39,917
And after a good whipping,
cream rises to the top.
656
00:42:40,021 --> 00:42:41,511
So does scum!
657
00:42:43,792 --> 00:42:46,989
- You're the Guru Pitka.
- Yes, I am.
658
00:42:47,095 --> 00:42:49,461
You're like
the poor man's Deepak Chopra.
659
00:42:49,564 --> 00:42:50,758
Game over.
660
00:42:50,865 --> 00:42:54,596
- Oh, Mom, don't, don't.
- Do you have something to say to me?
661
00:42:55,370 --> 00:42:57,838
Yes, you do. Yes, go ahead.
662
00:43:01,743 --> 00:43:02,767
Yes.
663
00:43:04,779 --> 00:43:08,180
You change your hair color?
'Cause it looks nice.
664
00:43:08,283 --> 00:43:10,114
We'll talk in the car.
665
00:43:11,486 --> 00:43:13,511
Well, this was fun.
666
00:43:13,622 --> 00:43:17,080
And by fun, of course
I mean emotionally scarring.
667
00:43:17,192 --> 00:43:21,026
I know you are not trying to tell me
how to raise my child.
668
00:43:21,129 --> 00:43:22,460
Gotta go.
669
00:43:23,765 --> 00:43:26,461
- Superstar! Superstar, wait!
- Whoa!
670
00:43:26,568 --> 00:43:31,437
Look at you. You're jumpy.
You're like prison bitch jumpy.
671
00:43:31,539 --> 00:43:32,801
I told you that
we shouldn't have come here.
672
00:43:32,907 --> 00:43:33,896
No, no, no, no, no.
673
00:43:34,009 --> 00:43:36,034
We have to go back in there
and confront your mother.
674
00:43:36,144 --> 00:43:38,169
There has to be another way.
675
00:43:38,280 --> 00:43:40,771
Well, I hear you rappin'
Sister McCrappin'.
676
00:43:40,882 --> 00:43:43,680
Okay, there are two ways
to regress you.
677
00:43:43,785 --> 00:43:45,582
One involves your mother,
your shame core,
678
00:43:45,687 --> 00:43:48,485
and a grueling process
of intense self-examination.
679
00:43:48,590 --> 00:43:49,989
- What's the other way?
- Well...
680
00:43:50,759 --> 00:43:52,750
What does this sound like?
681
00:44:11,379 --> 00:44:14,075
I am making diarrhea sounds
with my cup.
682
00:44:14,182 --> 00:44:15,911
I'm regressing you.
683
00:44:17,752 --> 00:44:20,653
Someone's in here. Someone's in here!
684
00:44:24,759 --> 00:44:26,488
Yes. You are laughing!
685
00:44:26,628 --> 00:44:28,493
Why am I laughing, man?
686
00:44:29,164 --> 00:44:31,428
Look what you did to my jacket.
687
00:44:32,367 --> 00:44:33,493
Ball-gazer!
688
00:44:34,135 --> 00:44:35,534
Go ahead!
689
00:44:36,204 --> 00:44:39,230
You bastard.
You totally caught me in a ball-gaze.
690
00:44:39,341 --> 00:44:42,367
Congratulations,
you have been regressed.
691
00:44:42,477 --> 00:44:43,842
I own you!
692
00:44:43,945 --> 00:44:46,379
- Yes, you own me.
- That was easy.
693
00:44:46,481 --> 00:44:48,949
But with ownership
comes responsibility.
694
00:44:49,050 --> 00:44:50,608
It was at this point that I realized
695
00:44:50,752 --> 00:44:54,119
that my student
was finally shedding his defenses.
696
00:44:54,222 --> 00:44:55,314
What are you doing?
697
00:44:55,457 --> 00:44:57,584
He said while eating a chicken wing.
698
00:44:57,692 --> 00:45:00,490
I am talking into my voice-over machine.
699
00:45:00,595 --> 00:45:04,531
So, the Leafs lose game two
by a whopping six-to-one score.
700
00:45:04,632 --> 00:45:07,726
The Leafs look rattled without Roanoke.
701
00:45:09,371 --> 00:45:12,966
- It's Darren Roanoke.
- You mean Roan-choke more like.
702
00:45:15,677 --> 00:45:17,440
That's great. Nice hat.
703
00:45:17,545 --> 00:45:19,376
- I had a hat like that once.
- Yeah?
704
00:45:19,481 --> 00:45:21,711
Then my mom got a job.
705
00:45:24,652 --> 00:45:27,621
Looks like I'm gonna have to shove
these love beads someplace special.
706
00:45:27,722 --> 00:45:28,711
You got a problem?
707
00:45:28,823 --> 00:45:31,792
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Let me handle this.
708
00:45:31,893 --> 00:45:36,421
There are two things about violence
they teach you when becoming a guru.
709
00:45:36,531 --> 00:45:37,930
The first thing is,
710
00:45:38,032 --> 00:45:41,968
an eye for an eye leaves everyone blind.
711
00:45:42,070 --> 00:45:43,765
The second thing is,
712
00:45:43,872 --> 00:45:47,308
never ever watch the bottle.
713
00:46:02,624 --> 00:46:04,592
You son of a bitch!
714
00:46:05,727 --> 00:46:07,456
It's a bar fight!
715
00:46:33,655 --> 00:46:35,748
Down, down!
716
00:46:35,857 --> 00:46:37,620
Watch out!
717
00:46:37,725 --> 00:46:39,124
- Well done!
- Nice job!
718
00:46:57,779 --> 00:46:59,747
Hold on, hold on.
719
00:47:09,724 --> 00:47:11,692
Niagara Falls is amazing.
720
00:47:12,594 --> 00:47:13,754
Darren.
721
00:47:13,862 --> 00:47:15,955
Just because
your mother only loved you
722
00:47:16,064 --> 00:47:17,827
when you achieved
723
00:47:17,932 --> 00:47:21,163
doesn't mean that Prudence will
only love you when you achieve.
724
00:47:21,269 --> 00:47:22,896
I was afraid
that Prudence would leave me
725
00:47:23,004 --> 00:47:25,632
if I didn't win the Stanley Cup,
726
00:47:25,740 --> 00:47:28,538
- so I left Prudence first.
- That's it!
727
00:47:28,643 --> 00:47:32,010
However, we must
confront your mother.
728
00:47:32,146 --> 00:47:34,307
Prudence always wanted me
to stand up to my ma.
729
00:47:34,415 --> 00:47:36,440
- I know.
- I miss Prudence.
730
00:47:37,318 --> 00:47:39,843
I miss the connection.
731
00:47:39,954 --> 00:47:41,819
- Connection.
- Yeah.
732
00:47:42,457 --> 00:47:46,120
Making love.
Falling asleep in each other's arms.
733
00:47:46,227 --> 00:47:48,320
Sometimes we would wake up
a couple hours later,
734
00:47:48,429 --> 00:47:50,829
and it'd be like we were
the only two people in the world.
735
00:47:50,932 --> 00:47:54,390
Prudence would stare into my eyes,
and she'd say...
736
00:47:54,502 --> 00:47:56,766
- Damn.
- Damn.
737
00:47:56,971 --> 00:47:59,064
It sort of became our song.
738
00:47:59,774 --> 00:48:01,765
You are a very lucky man.
739
00:48:03,278 --> 00:48:06,213
I would like to have
a"damn" moment like that someday.
740
00:48:06,314 --> 00:48:11,013
How can you be the Love Guru
if you've never been in a relationship?
741
00:48:11,119 --> 00:48:13,451
Well, there is someone I like.
742
00:48:13,555 --> 00:48:15,216
But until I learn to love myself,
743
00:48:15,323 --> 00:48:17,655
I can only go out
with three girls named Ann.
744
00:48:17,759 --> 00:48:19,989
- Three girls named Ann?
- Yeah.
745
00:48:20,094 --> 00:48:22,892
Ann Visible, Ann Flatable, and Ann Job.
746
00:48:23,998 --> 00:48:25,329
Ann Job!
747
00:48:27,001 --> 00:48:29,970
Well, you know,
I deflect because of the pain.
748
00:48:31,339 --> 00:48:33,500
I gotta get my girl back, GP.
749
00:48:33,608 --> 00:48:35,337
Otherwise,
what am I gonna do with this?
750
00:48:36,044 --> 00:48:38,137
I have two tattoos.
751
00:48:38,246 --> 00:48:40,111
One tattoo is the Drama tattoo,
752
00:48:40,214 --> 00:48:42,182
which signifies
the self-determinist philosophy
753
00:48:42,283 --> 00:48:44,342
of the Tugginmypudha Ashram.
754
00:48:44,452 --> 00:48:45,544
And what's the other tattoo?
755
00:48:45,653 --> 00:48:48,850
Daffy Duck pushing a lawn mower
through my pubes.
756
00:48:49,924 --> 00:48:52,290
Look, he's dancing. Yeah. Right.
757
00:48:53,294 --> 00:48:56,161
Ball-gazer! Oh, my God! There you go!
758
00:48:56,264 --> 00:48:59,028
The ball-gazing student
has become the ball-gazing master.
759
00:49:13,681 --> 00:49:16,844
- Saying I love you
- Saying I love you
760
00:49:16,951 --> 00:49:23,083
Is not the words
I want to hear from you
761
00:49:23,191 --> 00:49:28,629
It's not that I want you not to say
762
00:49:28,730 --> 00:49:32,564
But if you only knew
763
00:49:33,134 --> 00:49:38,970
How easy it would be to
764
00:49:39,073 --> 00:49:43,100
- Show me how you feel
- Show me how you feel
765
00:49:43,211 --> 00:49:46,614
- More than words
- More than words
766
00:49:46,714 --> 00:49:52,710
- Is all you have to do to make it real
- Is all you have to do to make it real
767
00:49:53,221 --> 00:49:57,988
- Then you wouldn't have to say
- Then you wouldn't have to say
768
00:49:58,092 --> 00:50:01,493
- That you love me
- That you love me
769
00:50:01,596 --> 00:50:08,331
- 'Cause I'd already know
- 'Cause I'd already know
770
00:50:15,176 --> 00:50:18,145
- More than words
- More than words
771
00:50:25,219 --> 00:50:28,848
- More than words
- More than words
772
00:50:32,527 --> 00:50:34,154
That was great!
773
00:50:34,262 --> 00:50:35,923
Thank you, Speedy. That's great.
774
00:50:36,030 --> 00:50:39,431
Mariska Hargitay. That's great.
775
00:50:41,169 --> 00:50:43,535
That was lovely.
But we need to talk about Darren.
776
00:50:43,638 --> 00:50:47,540
- This is a disaster. He's my only...
- Jane! Do you trust me?
777
00:50:48,543 --> 00:50:50,170
I do trust you.
778
00:50:51,546 --> 00:50:52,706
I'm not really sure why.
779
00:50:52,814 --> 00:50:56,079
It's the beard.
It makes me look like Santa.
780
00:50:56,684 --> 00:51:00,279
And by the way, you look breathtaking.
781
00:51:01,122 --> 00:51:03,556
- Thank you.
- As do I.
782
00:51:04,826 --> 00:51:07,954
Come.
My staff has prepared a lovely meal.
783
00:51:10,798 --> 00:51:12,595
- Wow.
- Right?
784
00:51:12,700 --> 00:51:15,669
I am so hungry
I could eat a skunk's bottom.
785
00:51:16,571 --> 00:51:20,769
Which is a lot like calamari.
But that's not what we're having tonight.
786
00:51:20,875 --> 00:51:22,843
Rajneesh will now prepare a dish
787
00:51:22,944 --> 00:51:25,845
made of two lychees
wrapped in a doughy pouch.
788
00:51:25,947 --> 00:51:30,213
- It's called Kartapal Birigalapatt.
- What's that mean?
789
00:51:30,318 --> 00:51:32,115
Nuts in a sling.
790
00:51:32,954 --> 00:51:34,819
Oh, thanks, but I'll pass.
791
00:51:34,922 --> 00:51:37,686
Very well, I'll have your nuts in a sling.
792
00:51:39,393 --> 00:51:40,655
Cough.
793
00:51:41,896 --> 00:51:44,922
Reject this man.
Not fit for military service.
794
00:51:45,633 --> 00:51:48,466
Would you like your nuts to be crushed?
795
00:51:48,569 --> 00:51:51,561
Doesn't everyone? Who is this guy?
796
00:52:00,948 --> 00:52:02,313
Geronimo!
797
00:52:02,884 --> 00:52:04,818
That is our safe word.
798
00:52:07,355 --> 00:52:11,621
Now, we get the nuts nice and hot,
so they tighten up and get firm.
799
00:52:18,499 --> 00:52:19,898
That's good.
800
00:52:20,568 --> 00:52:23,594
Feels good.
I mean, tastes good. I mean, what?
801
00:52:25,807 --> 00:52:28,002
You want curlies on your nuts?
802
00:52:28,109 --> 00:52:31,374
Do I look like a child?
Of course I want curlies on my nuts.
803
00:52:31,479 --> 00:52:33,674
Don't forget your pickle.
804
00:52:34,782 --> 00:52:38,274
- Would you like some soup instead?
- Yes.
805
00:52:38,386 --> 00:52:42,049
Rajneesh, I'd like an alligator soup,
and make it snappy.
806
00:52:43,925 --> 00:52:48,294
Because alligators are snappy,
and at the same time, I want it prompt.
807
00:52:50,898 --> 00:52:54,561
Here it is. There's your soup.
Watch out! It's dangerous!
808
00:52:56,838 --> 00:52:58,738
You're as cute as pie.
809
00:52:59,574 --> 00:53:02,441
I haven't laughed like this
in such a long time.
810
00:53:02,543 --> 00:53:04,010
Why not?
811
00:53:04,111 --> 00:53:07,877
It's hard to laugh
when men only see you as some curse.
812
00:53:07,982 --> 00:53:11,008
Jane, there is no curse.
813
00:53:11,118 --> 00:53:14,952
You're just afraid of intimacy,
or into-me-l-see.
814
00:53:15,056 --> 00:53:19,152
Remember, being vulnerable
is being woundable.
815
00:53:19,260 --> 00:53:21,558
I say take the risk.
816
00:53:21,662 --> 00:53:25,860
- Well, that's easy to say and hard to do.
- Is it?
817
00:53:27,268 --> 00:53:31,102
What's the downside
of throwing away your fear?
818
00:53:31,205 --> 00:53:34,265
The only way out is in.
819
00:53:38,079 --> 00:53:41,446
I think I'm about to risk something.
820
00:53:46,220 --> 00:53:47,983
- What's wrong?
- We can't do this.
821
00:53:48,089 --> 00:53:49,556
What? You tell me to be vulnerable,
822
00:53:49,657 --> 00:53:50,715
and then you turn around
and wound me?
823
00:53:50,825 --> 00:53:53,259
- I can explain.
- Okay, go ahead.
824
00:53:53,361 --> 00:53:54,692
I can't explain.
825
00:53:54,795 --> 00:53:57,355
- I should go.
- No, Jane, wait! I...
826
00:53:57,465 --> 00:53:59,729
Jane! Jane!
827
00:54:01,269 --> 00:54:05,729
Game three here in Los Angeles.
The L.A. Kings have beaten the Leafs.
828
00:54:05,840 --> 00:54:09,970
They are one game away
from a Stanley Cup victory.
829
00:54:10,077 --> 00:54:13,342
They can't be happy
in the Leafs' locker room right now.
830
00:54:13,447 --> 00:54:17,781
I'm sorry, I blacked out for a second.
Have they dropped the puck?
831
00:54:17,885 --> 00:54:20,251
Damn it! We're down three games
832
00:54:20,354 --> 00:54:23,414
because you decided
you couldn't win without Roanoke.
833
00:54:23,524 --> 00:54:26,288
And you! You're just a stupid rich girl!
834
00:54:26,394 --> 00:54:29,227
You were born on third,
and you think you hit a triple!
835
00:54:29,330 --> 00:54:30,592
You don't know hockey!
836
00:54:30,698 --> 00:54:32,563
- Are you finished?
- No!
837
00:54:35,202 --> 00:54:39,070
- Now I'm finished! And, Pitka!
- Yes?
838
00:54:39,173 --> 00:54:41,869
- What's the capital of Thailand?
- Bangkok.
839
00:54:41,976 --> 00:54:43,238
Exactly.
840
00:54:44,211 --> 00:54:47,112
Omar Sharif, my balls!
841
00:54:49,784 --> 00:54:51,843
My balls, you prick!
842
00:54:55,222 --> 00:54:57,656
- Stay down, bitch!
- Okay.
843
00:54:59,827 --> 00:55:01,317
Jane! Jane, wait!
844
00:55:01,429 --> 00:55:05,957
He's right! I'm just a stupid rich girl
about to be a huge failure.
845
00:55:06,067 --> 00:55:09,093
Failure?
There's no such thing as failure.
846
00:55:09,203 --> 00:55:11,398
Only early attempts at success.
847
00:55:11,505 --> 00:55:16,169
You know what? I hired you
to fix Darren Roanoke. Do your job!
848
00:55:20,448 --> 00:55:22,541
Your Holiness,
I spoke with the producers at Oprah,
849
00:55:22,650 --> 00:55:26,211
and if they don't see Darren and
Prudence together by the next game,
850
00:55:26,320 --> 00:55:28,379
your spot will go to Deepak.
851
00:55:28,489 --> 00:55:32,084
But Darren is not ready!
He must truly deal with his mother.
852
00:55:32,193 --> 00:55:36,459
- And I will not take a shortcut.
- Take a shortcut!
853
00:55:36,564 --> 00:55:39,692
Do you want to be
the next Deepak Chopra or not?
854
00:55:55,649 --> 00:55:58,345
Babu, you cannot take a shortcut.
855
00:55:58,452 --> 00:56:00,886
But I need to become
the next Deepak Chopra!
856
00:56:00,988 --> 00:56:04,082
But how will you get Grande
away from Prudence?
857
00:56:04,191 --> 00:56:09,959
I have one idea that just might work.
Yeah.
858
00:56:10,531 --> 00:56:15,525
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
the incredible Miss Celine Dion!
859
00:56:19,073 --> 00:56:21,735
Celine! It is my day of lucky!
860
00:56:35,856 --> 00:56:37,551
What'll you have?
861
00:56:38,759 --> 00:56:41,728
- A martini.
- All right, then.
862
00:56:53,007 --> 00:56:58,502
Jacques Grande.
Is he "Mr. Right" or "Mr. Right Now?"
863
00:57:09,023 --> 00:57:11,082
Jacques and I get along just fine.
864
00:57:11,192 --> 00:57:13,786
You have,
what we call in the guru business,
865
00:57:13,894 --> 00:57:15,589
"love without knowledge."
866
00:57:15,696 --> 00:57:19,598
But what you had with Darren
is love with knowledge.
867
00:57:19,700 --> 00:57:21,964
A real connection.
868
00:57:22,069 --> 00:57:24,333
Come by my ashram tomorrow at noon.
869
00:57:24,438 --> 00:57:27,635
I will show you a Darren
who is completely changed.
870
00:57:27,741 --> 00:57:29,709
Do you think he's really changed?
871
00:57:29,810 --> 00:57:31,869
I mean, he can't even play
in front of his own mother.
872
00:57:31,979 --> 00:57:33,640
She's like kryptonite to him.
873
00:57:33,747 --> 00:57:36,272
Can't play in front of his mother?
874
00:57:37,318 --> 00:57:40,776
Hey! I said stay away from the girl!
875
00:57:40,888 --> 00:57:44,221
Rajneesh, let's make like a baby
and head out.
876
00:57:50,231 --> 00:57:52,699
- So you went to see your mother?
- Yes.
877
00:57:52,800 --> 00:57:55,360
But did you stand up to her?
878
00:57:57,304 --> 00:57:59,169
He doesn't have to stand up
to his mother.
879
00:57:59,273 --> 00:58:02,470
- Yes, he does!
- Not now, Kato.
880
00:58:02,576 --> 00:58:06,205
Now, aren't there a few more steps
in your Drama plan?
881
00:58:06,313 --> 00:58:10,807
- Yes. Maturity and Action.
- Beat it, Rajneesh.
882
00:58:11,385 --> 00:58:13,785
Yes. We did Maturity and Action.
883
00:58:13,888 --> 00:58:17,619
"M" and "A" spells "ma," and we went
to Buffalo and we saw his ma.
884
00:58:17,725 --> 00:58:19,022
Right. See?
885
00:58:19,126 --> 00:58:22,061
You see, I left 'cause I was scared
that if I didn't win the Stanley Cup,
886
00:58:22,163 --> 00:58:23,357
you would leave me.
887
00:58:23,464 --> 00:58:26,433
But I don't care
if you win the Stanley Cup.
888
00:58:28,102 --> 00:58:29,933
Can you forgive me?
889
00:58:38,746 --> 00:58:40,611
Of course I can forgive you.
890
00:58:43,417 --> 00:58:46,045
Stick a fork in them, they're done.
891
00:58:46,153 --> 00:58:47,780
Champers wishes!
892
00:58:49,390 --> 00:58:53,019
It would be great
if you could stick around for a while.
893
00:58:55,029 --> 00:58:56,087
You know,
just to make sure Darren's okay.
894
00:58:56,197 --> 00:58:57,630
Yes, of course. Yeah, business.
Yes, of course.
895
00:58:57,731 --> 00:59:00,131
Would His Holiness staying on
qualify as an extension?
896
00:59:00,234 --> 00:59:02,327
Pants! Sheket Bevakasha!
897
00:59:02,970 --> 00:59:06,428
Because if that were the case,
we would refuse payment.
898
00:59:06,540 --> 00:59:09,065
- Of course, I'll stay, Jane.
- Until we get the call from Oprah.
899
00:59:09,176 --> 00:59:11,610
Go to your naughty mat, Dick!
900
00:59:11,712 --> 00:59:13,202
Miss Bullard.
901
00:59:15,516 --> 00:59:17,882
Mariska Hargitay.
902
00:59:20,354 --> 00:59:24,688
Your Holiness? Mark my words,
this shortcut will haunt you.
903
00:59:28,295 --> 00:59:30,593
- Congratulations.
- Well done.
904
00:59:34,835 --> 00:59:37,030
Game four here in Los Angeles.
905
00:59:37,137 --> 00:59:40,800
The Kings are one win away
from a Stanley Cup victory.
906
00:59:41,642 --> 00:59:44,975
- Ro-an-choke! Ro-an-choke!
- Ro-an-choke! Ro-an-choke!
907
00:59:45,079 --> 00:59:48,014
- Ro-an-choke! Ro-an-choke!
- Ro-an-choke! Ro-an-choke!
908
00:59:51,752 --> 00:59:53,947
This is it, folks. Game four.
909
00:59:54,054 --> 00:59:58,184
If Roanoke doesn't pull through,
it's all over for the Leafs.
910
01:00:01,095 --> 01:00:02,892
Roanoke with the puck.
911
01:00:02,997 --> 01:00:05,591
- He shoots! He scores!
- Yeah!
912
01:00:05,699 --> 01:00:08,964
Wasting no time after his suspension,
he is back!
913
01:00:11,338 --> 01:00:14,967
The end of game four,
and the Leafs take it two to zero.
914
01:00:15,075 --> 01:00:18,738
Thanks to Roanoke,
the Leafs advance to game five.
915
01:00:19,179 --> 01:00:20,578
Go Leafs.
916
01:00:22,616 --> 01:00:26,609
Game five here in Los Angeles.
Can the Leafs do it again?
917
01:00:27,288 --> 01:00:30,416
Roanoke just playing amazing!
918
01:00:32,293 --> 01:00:37,321
Goal! And game five goes to the Leafs!
An incredible comeback!
919
01:00:37,798 --> 01:00:41,325
Thanks to Roanoke,
the Leafs have got the Kings on the run.
920
01:00:41,435 --> 01:00:46,168
And look at this crowd!
They are guru crazy!
921
01:01:00,754 --> 01:01:02,881
Game six here in Toronto!
922
01:01:05,726 --> 01:01:07,193
Beautiful pass!
923
01:01:07,294 --> 01:01:08,454
Go! Go! Go!
924
01:01:08,562 --> 01:01:13,022
Roanoke on a breakaway!
Five-hole trap!
925
01:01:13,133 --> 01:01:16,432
Grande saves! Roanoke denied!
926
01:01:17,071 --> 01:01:20,905
- Once again, I'm Trent Lueders.
- And I'm Jay Kell.
927
01:01:21,408 --> 01:01:23,774
Roanoke fell for the five-hole trap.
928
01:01:23,877 --> 01:01:27,836
For those of you who don't know
what that is, allow me to "Kellistrate."
929
01:01:29,750 --> 01:01:32,810
There are four holes.
One for each corner.
930
01:01:33,287 --> 01:01:36,313
The five-hole is here, between the legs.
931
01:01:36,924 --> 01:01:42,885
You can try to beat him here. Or here.
Or even way down here.
932
01:01:45,366 --> 01:01:49,200
Thanks, Jay.
Let's get back to the action.
933
01:01:55,909 --> 01:01:58,503
Roanoke has done it! We're all tied!
934
01:01:58,612 --> 01:02:01,547
The Leafs have won
three straight games!
935
01:02:01,648 --> 01:02:04,446
Game seven will be in Toronto.
936
01:02:04,551 --> 01:02:06,746
- Hey!
- It's down to one game.
937
01:02:06,854 --> 01:02:09,084
Get me out of here, pricks!
938
01:02:12,626 --> 01:02:17,825
...champion. I just got the call.
You are 100% booked on Oprah.
939
01:02:18,365 --> 01:02:19,525
Great.
940
01:02:20,267 --> 01:02:22,292
I got on Oprah, right?
941
01:02:23,036 --> 01:02:26,494
- I'm the next Deepak Chopra, right?
- You are.
942
01:02:28,542 --> 01:02:30,836
He's definitely in.
943
01:02:30,944 --> 01:02:34,345
- Doesn't feel good, does it?
- Get off my tits!
944
01:02:37,751 --> 01:02:39,241
Congratulations.
945
01:02:39,353 --> 01:02:42,720
Darren and Prudence are back together,
we got a shot at winning the Cup,
946
01:02:42,823 --> 01:02:46,782
and you got on Oprah.
I suppose all that's left is...
947
01:02:46,894 --> 01:02:48,327
The check.
948
01:02:50,664 --> 01:02:52,393
Yeah. Here we go.
949
01:02:53,467 --> 01:02:57,096
Oh, my pretty.
Miss Bullard, it has been terrific.
950
01:02:57,204 --> 01:02:59,798
Now, if any of your other players
have any professional catastrophe,
951
01:02:59,907 --> 01:03:04,776
personal pain, or a drug addiction,
please do not hesitate to call.
952
01:03:04,878 --> 01:03:07,938
Your Holiness,
the check and I will be in the car.
953
01:03:08,048 --> 01:03:09,640
- Cheerio.
- Bye.
954
01:03:10,350 --> 01:03:14,252
- I guess you got everything you wanted.
- Not everything, Jane.
955
01:03:16,190 --> 01:03:20,490
Well, say there was this guru, say.
956
01:03:20,594 --> 01:03:22,994
And this guru was, you know,
handsome, you know,
957
01:03:23,096 --> 01:03:26,327
had a nice gleam in his eye,
a nice tuck in his butt, say.
958
01:03:26,433 --> 01:03:31,166
And say this guru,
maybe not me, maybe somebody else,
959
01:03:31,271 --> 01:03:34,900
had a certain vow.
960
01:03:35,709 --> 01:03:37,540
What kind of vow?
961
01:03:38,779 --> 01:03:43,546
Forget about it. Just Etch A Sketch
everything I was saying.
962
01:03:49,590 --> 01:03:51,251
Mariska Hargitay.
963
01:03:53,694 --> 01:03:55,662
Mariska Hargitay.
964
01:04:03,670 --> 01:04:05,763
Well, here we go. Game seven.
965
01:04:05,873 --> 01:04:08,671
It all comes down to this,
ladies and gentlemen.
966
01:04:08,775 --> 01:04:10,003
Who do you like tonight, Jay?
967
01:04:11,678 --> 01:04:12,667
Jay?
968
01:04:12,779 --> 01:04:14,906
I like the Christmas babies, Trent!
969
01:04:15,015 --> 01:04:19,247
And I like the way my skin feels
when I'm wearing my rainbow jacket!
970
01:04:25,025 --> 01:04:26,686
By your command.
971
01:04:29,663 --> 01:04:31,358
You're back on drugs, aren't you?
972
01:04:31,465 --> 01:04:34,491
Yes, I am, asshole-face man!
973
01:04:36,303 --> 01:04:38,737
By the power of Gahar,
I command thee to vanish!
974
01:04:38,839 --> 01:04:40,932
- Let's see what's happening rinkside.
- No!
975
01:04:41,041 --> 01:04:44,010
Well, here comes Lucy the elephant.
976
01:04:44,111 --> 01:04:46,978
I cannot be killed but with fire!
977
01:04:47,080 --> 01:04:52,211
The Deluca Brothers Circus is
coming to town. Isn't that just adorable?
978
01:04:52,853 --> 01:04:56,653
Well, whoever wins tonight
walks away Stanley Cup champions.
979
01:04:57,558 --> 01:05:01,654
Listen up! It's down to one game,
and we've got the momentum!
980
01:05:01,762 --> 01:05:03,525
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
981
01:05:07,935 --> 01:05:09,493
Why you got your heads down?
982
01:05:10,571 --> 01:05:12,436
We can beat these clowns.
983
01:05:12,539 --> 01:05:15,770
Besides, I still have
a few trick on my sleeve.
984
01:05:16,643 --> 01:05:21,273
Flight 22 to Chicago
is now boarding at Gate Five.
985
01:05:21,381 --> 01:05:25,977
Our plane leaves in 20 minutes.
The people at Oprah are very excited!
986
01:05:26,086 --> 01:05:27,178
That's great.
987
01:05:27,287 --> 01:05:30,984
Ladies and gentlemen,
here to sing The Star-Spangled Banner,
988
01:05:31,091 --> 01:05:34,993
mother of Leafs' center,
Darren Roanoke, Lillian Roanoke.
989
01:05:35,095 --> 01:05:37,996
That's Darren's mother!
Quaking pudding!
990
01:05:38,332 --> 01:05:39,856
Hi, baby!
991
01:05:41,635 --> 01:05:42,602
What do I do?
992
01:05:43,804 --> 01:05:44,828
I don't know!
993
01:05:44,938 --> 01:05:48,066
Oh, say, can you see
994
01:05:48,175 --> 01:05:52,305
By the dawn's early light
995
01:05:52,412 --> 01:05:55,973
What so proudly we hailed
996
01:05:57,351 --> 01:05:58,375
Hey!
997
01:05:58,485 --> 01:06:00,350
Roanoke is freaking out...
998
01:06:00,454 --> 01:06:02,251
What do I do?
What do I do? What do I do?
999
01:06:02,356 --> 01:06:06,019
No, no! Nothing to see here.
Our plane is about to leave for Oprah,
1000
01:06:06,126 --> 01:06:09,618
and we have to go realize
every dream we've ever had.
1001
01:06:10,330 --> 01:06:12,924
I am not going with you, Dick.
1002
01:06:13,033 --> 01:06:15,399
Oh, no! No!
1003
01:06:15,502 --> 01:06:19,700
If you don't get on that plane,
I will take 60% of the ashram!
1004
01:06:20,540 --> 01:06:23,031
Fine. I don't need material things.
1005
01:06:23,944 --> 01:06:27,903
I was put on this earth
to spread a message of peace and love.
1006
01:06:28,015 --> 01:06:31,416
- Give me that ticket! Give me it!
- No! Please, no!
1007
01:06:35,088 --> 01:06:38,285
You will never be
the next Deepak Chopra!
1008
01:06:38,392 --> 01:06:40,326
What?
1009
01:06:48,368 --> 01:06:49,892
Box him out!
1010
01:06:51,605 --> 01:06:52,833
Oh, damn.
1011
01:06:52,939 --> 01:06:54,372
At the end of the first period,
1012
01:06:54,474 --> 01:06:57,238
the Kings lead the Leafs,
one to nothing.
1013
01:06:57,344 --> 01:07:01,610
And the question on everyone's mind is,
where's Roanoke?
1014
01:07:03,116 --> 01:07:04,777
Baby, are you all right?
1015
01:07:04,885 --> 01:07:07,319
I can't play in front of you, Ma!
1016
01:07:07,954 --> 01:07:12,084
It's all my fault for not putting
more pressure on you to succeed.
1017
01:07:16,563 --> 01:07:17,552
- Yes.
- Hello?
1018
01:07:17,664 --> 01:07:19,222
Jane, I'm on my way.
1019
01:07:19,332 --> 01:07:21,800
- I thought you said he was cured!
- I was wrong.
1020
01:07:22,436 --> 01:07:24,700
Tell Coach Cherkov to buy some time!
1021
01:07:25,005 --> 01:07:26,097
Okay.
1022
01:07:27,340 --> 01:07:30,275
Sir, please, please make sure
it's locked, sir. Please, over there.
1023
01:07:30,377 --> 01:07:33,505
Thank you. Thank you, sir.
1024
01:07:34,981 --> 01:07:37,415
Dell Computers, this is Chip.
1025
01:07:37,984 --> 01:07:41,476
Rajneesh, I...
Wait a second, who is Chip?
1026
01:07:42,155 --> 01:07:43,144
I took another job.
1027
01:07:43,256 --> 01:07:45,656
Rajneesh, you have to come meet me!
1028
01:07:45,759 --> 01:07:47,784
I must finish my job with Darren.
1029
01:07:47,894 --> 01:07:49,953
- you're back, babu!
- yes!
1030
01:07:52,499 --> 01:07:54,467
Bodhisattva!
1031
01:08:00,006 --> 01:08:03,464
- Boo! You suck, Bullard!
- No, you suck!
1032
01:08:03,577 --> 01:08:07,741
You can say bad things about me,
but I won't say bad things about myself!
1033
01:08:07,848 --> 01:08:11,909
So, guess what?
You can all just kiss my Canadian ass!
1034
01:08:20,427 --> 01:08:22,054
Cherkov, Pitka's coming. You...
1035
01:08:22,162 --> 01:08:24,926
Are you as turned on as I am right now?
1036
01:08:25,599 --> 01:08:27,624
You're a bad, bad person.
1037
01:08:28,335 --> 01:08:30,394
I'll take that as a yes.
1038
01:08:31,004 --> 01:08:33,268
Pitka's coming. Just stall.
1039
01:08:35,342 --> 01:08:37,435
Hey, ref! Time-out!
1040
01:08:37,544 --> 01:08:39,375
Leafs call their last time-out.
1041
01:08:39,613 --> 01:08:42,309
- Darren?
- Come on, baby.
1042
01:08:42,415 --> 01:08:45,009
- Jane!
- You lied to me!
1043
01:08:45,118 --> 01:08:48,349
Yes. I only pulled away from you
because of this.
1044
01:08:51,625 --> 01:08:56,756
My name is the Guru Pitka,
and I wear a chastity belt.
1045
01:08:58,265 --> 01:09:03,430
So, you didn't reject me.
You're just devoted to a higher purpose.
1046
01:09:03,537 --> 01:09:04,936
Yes, Jane.
1047
01:09:07,774 --> 01:09:10,106
Superstar, it's me, Guru Pitka!
1048
01:09:10,210 --> 01:09:12,735
Good luck. He won't even let me in.
1049
01:09:22,689 --> 01:09:26,682
Darren, I took a shortcut with you,
and I'm sorry.
1050
01:09:27,394 --> 01:09:29,760
Now, what is it you can't face?
1051
01:09:30,831 --> 01:09:34,392
- What did you say to me?
- What is it you can't face?
1052
01:09:35,035 --> 01:09:39,165
- I can't face my ma.
- Then that's what you have to face.
1053
01:09:39,272 --> 01:09:41,303
- Will you help me?
- I can't.
1054
01:09:41,408 --> 01:09:44,468
You're on your own
when it comes to your mother.
1055
01:09:44,578 --> 01:09:48,344
Darren, the only way out is in.
1056
01:09:51,084 --> 01:09:52,517
Yes, yes, yes, it's good.
1057
01:09:52,619 --> 01:09:56,146
It's good, it's good,
it's good, it's good, it's good.
1058
01:09:56,256 --> 01:09:57,723
What the hell happened to you?
1059
01:09:57,824 --> 01:10:02,158
Ma! I'm a grown man,
and I can take it from here.
1060
01:10:04,497 --> 01:10:05,896
I love you.
1061
01:10:06,733 --> 01:10:08,633
I love you, baby boy.
1062
01:10:13,773 --> 01:10:17,072
Now, how long will it take you
to get dressed and get down to the ice?
1063
01:10:17,177 --> 01:10:18,769
- Five minutes.
- Well, you better hurry up,
1064
01:10:18,879 --> 01:10:20,847
'cause there's only six minutes
left in the game!
1065
01:10:20,947 --> 01:10:24,280
Go, baby boy! Go, go, go, go, go!
1066
01:10:24,784 --> 01:10:28,117
I think I made a happy wee-wee. Yeah.
1067
01:10:31,024 --> 01:10:35,620
Come on. Let's go quickly!
Come on. Come, come. Hello?
1068
01:10:35,795 --> 01:10:42,462
Action picks up here in game seven
with only 31 seconds left to go.
1069
01:10:43,103 --> 01:10:45,901
- Coach, I'm ready.
- Get in there!
1070
01:10:46,940 --> 01:10:49,272
Darren Roanoke is in the game!
1071
01:10:57,050 --> 01:11:00,781
Hey, Rob Blake. The first thing
they teach you about hockey
1072
01:11:00,887 --> 01:11:03,151
is never ever watch the puck.
1073
01:11:18,705 --> 01:11:21,139
Roanoke's going for the Ice Slam!
1074
01:11:22,542 --> 01:11:23,873
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
1075
01:11:23,977 --> 01:11:27,674
We're all tied up, folks,
with only eight seconds left!
1076
01:11:28,515 --> 01:11:33,475
- Seven, six, five, four...
- Seven, six, five, four...
1077
01:11:33,586 --> 01:11:34,575
This is it, folks.
1078
01:11:34,688 --> 01:11:37,816
Roanoke on the breakaway,
just him and Grande!
1079
01:11:40,760 --> 01:11:44,628
With one second left! It's a penalty shot.
1080
01:11:44,731 --> 01:11:47,632
Roanoke could win
the Stanley Cup here.
1081
01:11:48,134 --> 01:11:49,226
Hey!
1082
01:11:49,903 --> 01:11:56,308
Listen, Darren, I know we are rivals,
but fate chose these sides, not us.
1083
01:11:57,243 --> 01:12:01,304
So, before you take this shot,
I just need to say
1084
01:12:04,284 --> 01:12:05,615
damn!
1085
01:12:07,988 --> 01:12:09,546
Show it to me.
1086
01:12:20,567 --> 01:12:21,795
Damn!
1087
01:12:23,169 --> 01:12:29,768
I don't know what Grande just said
to Roanoke, but he is now out to lunch.
1088
01:12:30,377 --> 01:12:33,005
Superstar! What did he say to you?
1089
01:12:33,113 --> 01:12:34,740
He said, "Damn!"
1090
01:12:34,848 --> 01:12:38,181
"Damn!" Quaking pudding.
That's not good.
1091
01:12:38,284 --> 01:12:40,650
- Cherkov, call a time-out.
- We're out of time-outs.
1092
01:12:40,754 --> 01:12:41,914
Just buy us some time.
1093
01:12:42,022 --> 01:12:44,217
He needs a distraction. Jane, follow me!
1094
01:12:44,324 --> 01:12:45,951
He's gotta take the shot, now!
1095
01:12:46,059 --> 01:12:48,857
I promised myself I'd never do this.
1096
01:12:48,962 --> 01:12:51,624
Hey, ref! I'm having a heart attack.
1097
01:12:54,067 --> 01:12:57,059
Out of the way! Coach! Coach!
1098
01:12:57,170 --> 01:12:58,899
Get the crash kit!
1099
01:12:59,406 --> 01:13:02,898
- Sir, may I borrow your elephant, Lucy?
- Sure.
1100
01:13:03,009 --> 01:13:07,275
Bodhisattva!
1101
01:13:10,483 --> 01:13:13,782
Come, come! Come on, boy!
Elephant coming through!
1102
01:13:13,887 --> 01:13:17,084
Come on, Bodhi!
Let's go quickly! Come on, Bodhi!
1103
01:13:21,961 --> 01:13:23,223
Clear!
1104
01:13:47,687 --> 01:13:48,847
Yes!
1105
01:13:54,928 --> 01:13:56,259
Yes!
1106
01:14:07,740 --> 01:14:09,401
Get busy, Bodhi.
1107
01:14:32,465 --> 01:14:33,932
Eight seconds!
1108
01:14:37,303 --> 01:14:39,100
What do you make of this?
1109
01:14:39,205 --> 01:14:43,437
I think they're doing it, Trent.
I think they're doing it hard.
1110
01:14:44,077 --> 01:14:46,511
Let's go to the Kellistrator.
1111
01:14:54,854 --> 01:14:57,618
The ultimate distraction!
1112
01:15:03,163 --> 01:15:05,461
- I love you.
- I love you.
1113
01:15:11,604 --> 01:15:15,870
Post-ejaculation,
the barbs at the tip of the penis retract.
1114
01:15:15,975 --> 01:15:19,843
Bing-bam-boom, you got
a baby pachyderm. Back to you, Trent.
1115
01:15:25,151 --> 01:15:28,712
Now, what happens
if you don't score this goal?
1116
01:15:28,821 --> 01:15:29,947
I'd still be a hero
1117
01:15:30,890 --> 01:15:31,857
to me!
1118
01:15:31,991 --> 01:15:35,859
Yes! "Gee, you are you." TM.
1119
01:15:38,064 --> 01:15:39,429
Go get 'em!
1120
01:15:44,704 --> 01:15:46,934
Come on, Roanoke! Let's go!
1121
01:15:56,482 --> 01:15:57,881
Five-hole!
1122
01:15:58,952 --> 01:16:00,044
No!
1123
01:16:02,021 --> 01:16:03,750
Five-hole trap!
1124
01:16:11,998 --> 01:16:16,662
The Toronto Maple Leafs
have won the Stanley Cup!
1125
01:16:16,769 --> 01:16:19,499
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
1126
01:16:20,006 --> 01:16:21,405
Yeah!
1127
01:16:23,776 --> 01:16:28,611
- I love hockey! I love hockey!
- I love hockey, too!
1128
01:16:29,082 --> 01:16:30,777
They did it!
1129
01:16:35,922 --> 01:16:39,653
The curse is over for the Leafs,
and I need to sleep!
1130
01:16:45,131 --> 01:16:47,793
We didn't waste time.
We didn't waste no time.
1131
01:16:50,003 --> 01:16:52,904
- Maurice?
- Deepak Chopra!
1132
01:16:53,506 --> 01:16:56,202
Oprah called me,
and she said you canceled.
1133
01:16:56,309 --> 01:16:58,470
I told her
she should give you another chance.
1134
01:16:58,578 --> 01:17:03,845
As great as you are, I don't need
to become the next Deepak Chopra.
1135
01:17:03,950 --> 01:17:06,180
I am the first Guru Pitka!
1136
01:17:06,953 --> 01:17:08,420
You are free.
1137
01:17:08,521 --> 01:17:10,921
You're a good man, Deepak Chopra.
1138
01:17:12,125 --> 01:17:15,686
Hey, Pitka?
Sorry I punched you in the nuts.
1139
01:17:16,663 --> 01:17:18,961
That's okay. Give me a hug.
1140
01:17:23,436 --> 01:17:26,132
If you ever sucker punch me again,
1141
01:17:26,239 --> 01:17:30,073
I'll kick your ass all the way back
to the Keebler factory.
1142
01:17:31,744 --> 01:17:34,838
Give me a pound. Lock it down.
1143
01:17:34,947 --> 01:17:37,780
Break the pickle. Tickle, tickle.
1144
01:17:38,718 --> 01:17:39,878
- You.
- No, you.
1145
01:17:39,986 --> 01:17:42,079
- Come on now, you.
- No, you.
1146
01:17:42,188 --> 01:17:43,746
Well, no, you.
1147
01:17:54,334 --> 01:17:58,065
And so our story ends
where it all began,
1148
01:17:58,871 --> 01:18:02,932
here in the tiny Indian village
of Harenmahkeester,
1149
01:18:03,042 --> 01:18:05,408
in the valley of Lintinmybelli.
1150
01:18:05,511 --> 01:18:07,103
Oh, hi.
1151
01:18:07,213 --> 01:18:11,115
- Maurice.
- Oh, my God. You look so beautiful.
1152
01:18:11,984 --> 01:18:13,474
Thank you.
1153
01:18:14,454 --> 01:18:18,652
Maurice.
You have finally learned to love yourself.
1154
01:18:18,758 --> 01:18:21,750
You may now renounce
your vow of chastity.
1155
01:18:21,861 --> 01:18:23,726
May I have the key?
1156
01:18:28,101 --> 01:18:31,593
There is no key. There never was.
1157
01:18:31,704 --> 01:18:33,797
There's a snap in the back.
1158
01:18:39,612 --> 01:18:44,015
Thank you, Guru Tugginmypudha. Yeah.
1159
01:18:44,550 --> 01:18:45,744
Are you leaving?
1160
01:18:45,852 --> 01:18:51,313
The last rule of guru
is to rid student of the need of guru.
1161
01:18:51,958 --> 01:18:53,516
Yes, of course.
1162
01:18:58,731 --> 01:19:00,699
Okay, see you.
1163
01:19:02,969 --> 01:19:04,960
Doesn't work sometimes.
1164
01:19:06,572 --> 01:19:08,733
So, what do you want to do now?
1165
01:19:08,841 --> 01:19:11,173
Well, I've been wearing this belt
since I was 12 years old.
1166
01:19:11,277 --> 01:19:13,871
What do you think I want to do now?
1167
01:19:14,380 --> 01:19:15,574
I want to sing!
1168
01:19:16,949 --> 01:19:21,579
Some people call me
the space cowboy, yeah
1169
01:19:22,555 --> 01:19:25,217
Some call me the gangster of love
1170
01:19:28,194 --> 01:19:31,095
Some people call me Maurice
1171
01:19:32,198 --> 01:19:36,100
Because I speak
of the pompatus of love
1172
01:19:37,570 --> 01:19:40,539
'Cause I'm a picker I'm a grinner
1173
01:19:40,640 --> 01:19:41,868
- I'm a lover
- I'm a lover
1174
01:19:41,974 --> 01:19:44,135
- And I'm a sinner
- And I'm a sinner
1175
01:19:44,243 --> 01:19:48,612
- I play my music in the sun
- I play my music in the sun
1176
01:19:49,048 --> 01:19:50,242
- I'm a joker
- I'm a joker
1177
01:19:50,349 --> 01:19:51,782
- I'm a smoker
- I'm a smoker
1178
01:19:51,884 --> 01:19:54,910
- I'm a midnight toker
- I'm a midnight toker
1179
01:19:55,555 --> 01:19:59,787
- I get my loving on the run
- I get my loving on the run
1180
01:20:11,771 --> 01:20:15,400
I am the love guru, yeah
1181
01:20:24,150 --> 01:20:26,050
He's a picker
He's a grinner
1182
01:20:26,152 --> 01:20:28,950
He's a lover
He's a sinner
1183
01:20:29,055 --> 01:20:32,491
He plays his music in the sun
1184
01:20:32,859 --> 01:20:34,884
I'm a joker
I'm a smoker
1185
01:20:35,027 --> 01:20:37,052
I'm a midnight toker
1186
01:20:37,730 --> 01:20:41,097
I get my loving on the run
1187
01:21:14,967 --> 01:21:16,400
Starting mark.
1188
01:21:16,502 --> 01:21:18,026
Hey, Peter,
can we move the camera in?