(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(GROANS)
Oh! Ooh.
(BEEPS)
(PHONE RINGING)
AUTOMATED VOICE: New message.
JOYCE: Are you there? Are you up?
Oh, my God! It's too early there for me to be calling.
7:52, 6:52, 5:52... I forgot. Three hours earlier.
- Forget I called! AUTOMATED VOICE: - Message deleted.
(PHONE RINGING)
AUTOMATED VOICE: New message. JOYCE: Honey, it's Mommy.
I know I only get you for the weekend before you hit the road,
but I thought I'd pick you up a few things.
Do you like Greek yogurt? It's the rage.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Message deleted.
(PHONE RINGING)
JOYCE: I'm so proud of you, honey.
I can't believe you're gonna do a tour of all these companies and your product.
I mean, I... My little Donald Trump.
- I'm so excited to see your sweet face! AUTOMATED VOICE: Message deleted.
(PHONE RINGING)
JOYCE: Hi, Andy, it's Mommy. Last call.
I just wanted you to know that I'm going to park and come inside tomorrow
because parking curbside at Newark is a zoo!
And I don't want to get a citation. That's all.
Oh, I may go to the Gap today,
so let me know if you need slacks or a scarf or anything, you know.
Uh... I got you a pass for my gym, if you want to do Pilates with me.
I have this new instructor, she's a lesbian.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Message deleted.
(PHONE RINGING)
AUTOMATED VOICE: New message.
JOYCE: All these messages about tomorrow
and I forgot to wish you good luck today!
They're going to love you! I know it.
Who could say no to you?
Andrew Brewster? We're ready for you.
Thank you.
MAN: What do you have for us, son?
What I have for you is a groundbreaking product
that Kmart has the opportunity to have on its shelves
before anyone else has it on their shelves.
First, some background information on me.
I have a Master's Degree in chemistry from UCLA.
For the last three years,
I worked at the Environmental Protection Agency.
And trust me,
I didn't stay three years because of the ladies.
I stayed because I was fascinated by the work I was doing there!
Primarily that was the sustainable technology
sourced by renewable resources.
I know what you're thinking...
"Boring Chemistry Alert!" Right?
Wrong!
One day, I had a breakthrough.
I created a micro-emulsion suspension
that harnessed the natural cleaning power of
coconut oil,
palm kernel oil,
and
soy!
Not soy sauce,
but soybean oil.
And this comes together to create what I like to call...
Can you see that? I thought the table would be smaller.
Can you see it?
Scieoclean! Scieo-clean!
Science and clean in one word.
Okay. Very thorough. Thanks for coming in.
And we'll be in touch, down the road.
I have full FDA approval,
and I have enough financial backing...
Actually, we're already in talks with major companies...
Yeah. Whose products are toxic and harmful.
...as well as established organic companies.
But develop some brand recognition
and maybe, in a year or two, we'll revisit.
(PHONE RINGING)
AUTOMATED VOICE: New message.
JOYCE: So, how did it go? I know, I know. I'm driving you crazy,
but I'm on pins and needles here, Andy!
They loved you, I bet. Kmart!
I can't believe it! My son at Kmart!
AUTOMATED VOICE: Message deleted.
(ON ANSWERING MACHINE) Hi, this is Joyce, leave a message, bye!
(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS)
ANDY: Hey, Ma, got your billion messages.
Here are some answers to your questions: Kmart went great,
do not buy me slacks,
I do not want to do Pilates,
and I'm excited to see you, too.
Andy! Andy!
Whoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo!
Andy! Andy!
Andy! I'm over here!
- Honey! - Hey, Ma.
- I'm over here! - I see you. Hey!
- All of Newark sees you. - Hi!
- Hi, there. Hey, Ma. - Oh, my baby.
Oh, my God! (KISSES)
- Good to see you. - Look at you! Look at you!
- Yes. Look at me. - Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
Yeah. Okay. Let's get out of the way here.
Are you wearing a sports jacket?
Yeah, I am.
How did you know even to buy a sports jacket?
- I took a class in it. Yeah. - Look at this.
Oh, my God! Honey, look! You left the price tag on.
J. Crew? My fancy-schmancy son!
Yeah, that's me.
I'm just gonna keep it, in case it goes on sale.
- Okay, great. Thanks. (EXHALES)
Is it hot in here, or is it just me?
- Just you. Not hot at all. - Just me?
- You're kidding. - Nope.
- I made chicken for dinner. - Oh, awesome.
And I invited some of the girls over
because they really can't wait to see you.
Ugh. You know, I'd kinda rather you didn't.
I just got off a long flight.
- I don't know if I want to... - Oh...
- You're tired and everything? - Yeah, I have jet lag a bit.
The last thing you need is to put on a show for my friends.
- Right. - Yeah. Exactly.
Thank you, Ma. Thank you for understanding.
I just made so much chicken is all.
Hmm.
I can't believe little Andy, all grown up!
DIANA: And wearing a sports jacket.
It's from J. Crew. Show them the label.
(WOMEN EXCLAIMING IN AWE)
Yeah, it's pretty affordable.
Did you know that Andy is starting his own business?
- Oh. - Is that right?
JOYCE: Yeah, he invented a new product
and now he's going to go travel door-to-door selling it.
Isn't that right, Andy?
No, that's actually not even close.
You know, it's dangerous to go door-to-door.
I'm not going door-to-door.
They stopped doing that decades ago.
Did I hear wrong, honey?
It's okay. It's complicated. That's close enough, I guess.
Andy, it's so nice to finally meet you.
You, too. Yeah.
I have heard only great things about you.
Oh, that's nice.
JOYCE: Gayle is our new friend.
She's our Weight Watchers leader. Her husband's dead.
I'm really sorry to hear that.
I'm not. (CHUCKLES)
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
ANITA: He couldn't drop dead soon enough.
He was horrible!
She couldn't wait to get rid of him, honey.
Andy, you have to help me.
Please convince her to come to my singles event with me.
- One night. ANITA: - Oh, yeah!
- Come on. Don't say that. - You gotta do it!
I don't want to go there.
I am telling you, you will be the belle of the ball.
More like the belle of the "bald."
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
I don't need it. I'm very happy.
ANDY: Got more frogs since Thanksgiving, huh, Ma?
JOYCE: Yeah, you can't imagine how many places sell frogs.
I hope you're drinking water, Andy.
Mmm-hmm.
Good. Good boy.
Because I'm up to six bottles a day now. You know?
It's very good for your skin.
Good. That's why I'm doing it.
I'm so glad you do that, honey.
What are you doing right now?
I'm refilling my water bottle.
'Cause it's silly to pay big prices
for a case of bottles, basically, you know,
when you can use this over and over again.
So you're really gonna drive cross-country
for these meetings?
Yeah. All the way to Vegas, yeah.
You seeing anyone?
No. Not at the moment.
No? I thought you were seeing that girl with the exotic name.
- Bethany? - Yes!
Bethany. What happened to her?
Yeah, that just didn't really work out. You know...
So what about the one before her? The Oriental.
That is not remotely an acceptable term anymore, and...
I don't know, it just didn't work out.
You'd think one of them would have worked out by now, hmm?
What about you? Are you seeing anyone at the moment?
Andy, please don't be disgusting.
You want me to go to one of Gayle's miserable singles events?
That's what you want? You want me whoring myself out?
Put on a thong?
I'm going to sleep now, Ma.
- Oh. - Yeah.
I took out the old home movies and I thought we would watch it together.
You know, I just... I'm not adjusted yet.
I'm still jet lagged. I just...
- Oh, I understand. Yeah. - Good night.
Good night, honey!
I bought some underwear for you at the Gap.
Okay.
JOYCE: We can return it tomorrow if it doesn't fit!
ANDY: That's pretty gross.
JOYCE: - They know me there! - Okay.
MR. BREWSTER: (ON TV) Can I turn this thing off?
We've been doing this for two hours.
JOYCE: (ON TV) Just a few more minutes, okay?
- Look how cute he is. (SIGHS)
Look, Ma, I'm sorry...
MR. BREWSTER: How long do you want me to film this?
JOYCE: You are the best boy.
The most perfect boy in the world. Do you know that?
Like Mommy tells you every night,
if all the little boys in the world were lined up
and I could only pick one,
I'd pick you every time.
I love you, Andy. You're my perfect boy.
(TURNS OFF TV)
(INDISTINCT TALKING AND LAUGHTER)
ANDY: All right. This will be good for you.
A little adventure.
All right. This is ridiculous.
Come on, Mom. Just give it a shot. It could be fun.
(INDISTINCT)
JOYCE: Did you just ask if I hiked?
No! I don't hike. Sorry.
Try the skinny one in the corner. She looks sporty.
Don't talk to me though, because I'm thinking.
(SIGHS)
ANDY: You couldn't even try, Ma?
I mean, you're never going to meet a man like that.
Dad died when I was eight years old.
You haven't been on one date since then. Right?
You know what it comes down to?
It comes down to M&M's in bed.
Yeah, because when...
Those years I was with your father, you know?
I would hide them under my pillow until he fell asleep
so I could eat them without being criticized.
And I will never hide my M&M's again.
It really makes a lot of sense,
- when you put it like that. - It does.
That's a good reason to give up on men altogether.
- Listen... You know what? - Because of candy.
You're one to give advice, honey?
I mean, why aren't you with someone?
- You know what it is, Ma? - What?
I just haven't found a girl
who'll let me eat M&M's in bed at night.
(LAUGHS) Oh, stop it!
I mean, seriously, why is that a legitimate excuse for you
and not for me? You say the same thing.
Because I've had my marriage. I've had my family.
I've been to the dance and now I am tired.
You are skipping the dance altogether!
Maybe you need therapy.
Yeah. It helps me.
I don't need therapy.
And since when do you go to therapy?
Anita and I meet once a week for coffee.
Well, unless you two are meeting a therapist for coffee,
then you're not going to therapy,
'cause Anita's a librarian.
I'll tell you what we mostly talk about...
- Yeah? - ...is why I blame myself
for your deep-seated problems with women.
Good. You talk to Anita about my deep-seated
problems with women that you've imagined. Yeah.
Sometimes I feel like I ruined it for you.
You know what? I know. I know you do.
You know why? Because you set the bar so high
for all other women, that no one lives up to my mom.
No, it's not that.
It is. I'm going to sleep, Ma. Okay?
No, I... Anita says I should tell you about
the boy I fell in love with in Florida.
(JOYCE SIGHS) - The what?
It's time you know this about me, Andy.
Know what?
Well, there was this incident in my life
that I really never told you about.
I went to Florida on vacation.
I was very young, 19, 20, something like that.
Okay. Good.
And I met a boy, and I fell in love with him.
Yeah.
Honestly, Andy, I fell in love with him kind of instantly.
Okay.
- He lived in Manhattan, too. - Mmm-hmm.
And so we came back and we started seeing each other.
He didn't want anything serious, but I was just caught up with this...
- Oh, the passion of it all! - Oh.
Andy, we were so passionate.
Feel free to skim over those details as much as you want.
- I won't gross you out. - Yeah. That's cool.
I mean, he didn't want to be serious, really, at the time.
But I wanted a family, I wanted a baby.
That's all I ever really wanted.
And so, eventually, your father came along.
What about the guy from... You met in Florida?
Well, he became boyfriend number one
and your dad became boyfriend number two.
(GROANS)
- No, honey... - That's nasty!
It was a trampy year for Mommy.
- Oh! (LAUGHS)
- Please. Anyway... - Why are you telling me this?
Your father proposed within, like, a month, I think.
So I went to the boy and I said,
you know, "I met somebody and he wants to marry me,
hoping that he would say, "Joyce, you cannot do that."
"You cannot marry this guy!"
But he didn't say that. You know what he actually said?
He said, "You're great."
But he told me to marry your father.
(CHUCKLES LIGHTLY)
Oh, God.
I was so devastated.
I was so devastated that I couldn't even see him again.
Well, what happened?
Well...
What happened? I married your father, we moved,
I got pregnant, and...
When we found out it was a boy, you know,
I started going through names, as people do, and...
You want your child to remind you of someone you love... Loved!
And so...
I named you Andy after the boy from Florida.
You want more ice cream?
Holy shit.
Andy! Please. Enough with the language, okay?
Did... Did Dad know about this?
Now, that is not something that you share
with your husband. You know?
Holy shit!
What is wrong with you?
That is enough with the street talk, okay?
Ma, I... (STAMMERS)
I need you to be honest with me, okay?
Yes, I will.
Is he my father?
(CHUCKLES) No, honey. No, he's not your father.
(SIGHS) - No, no.
It was two years later when I had you.
His last name is Margolis.
Andy Margolis.
From J&R Advertising.
Isn't it funny how I remember that?
Yeah.
(DIALING)
(LINE RINGS)
FEMALE RECEPTIONIST: J&R.
Hi. I'm trying to track down someone
who used to work in your New York office.
Probably many years ago. The name is Andy, or...
Andrew Margolis?
Hold on, please.
Okay, I see that Andrew Margolis is in our San Francisco offices.
Okay. Great! How long ago did he work there?
No, sir. Mr. Margolis is an Executive V.P.
in our San Francisco office currently.
Really?
Would you like to be connected?
Okay!
(LINE RINGS)
FEMALE ASSISTANT: Andrew Margolis's office.
Seriously? No shit.
Is, uh... (STAMMERS) Is Andrew in, please?
Mr. Margolis is in Europe until next Monday.
This is Becky.
Hi, Becky. I'm a very old friend of Andrew's.
We were in Nam together?
Just backpacking though.
And I thought it would be great to see him again.
So I guess he finally took the wife
on that trip to Europe she's always wanted, huh?
Mr. Margolis isn't married, sir.
Is there a specific message you'd like to leave?
No! No. So he gets back next Monday.
Yes, he does.
- Okay. Thank you. - You're welcome.
(DISCONNECTS)
Holy shit.
I made eggs just the way you like them,
and I used turkey bacon,
which was on sale, but I know it's still good.
I'm always concerned for your health, right?
You know,
I was up all night last night,
because I was thinking about your problems, Andy.
Jessica was your first serious relationship.
So let's start with her.
I remember when you broke up, but I can't remember why.
Do you remember?
Hmm.
Okay! We'll skip Jessica for now.
Uh, what do you think we should do today, honey?
Oh, you know what? You have to remind me to get Tylenol later,
'cause I'm running low.
And I also told Gayle that I would pick some up for her.
Did I remember to call Gayle back?
I don't know what's happening to me. I'm getting forgetful.
You want to come on the trip with me, Mom?
Huh?
My road trip, that I'm going on. I, uh...
It's long,
and I thought maybe I could use some company
in the form of you.
You want to drive cross-country in a car with me?
Yeah!
No, it's... You know, we won't be gone long.
It's only eight days in a car together,
and then I got to be in San Francisco.
My last meeting's in San Francisco now.
What happened to Vegas?
(STAMMERING) I got a new meeting last night
- in San Francisco, so... - Oh.
Uh... Yeah! What do you say?
If this is you worrying about me, Andy,
you don't have to because Mommy's fine.
That's not at all what it is, Ma.
(STAMMERS)
What?
I've had such a good time
hanging out with you these last few days,
I thought it would be fun
to hang out even more and spend time with you.
Wait a minute.
I want to make sure that I'm hearing this correctly.
You want to spend a week in a car with your mother.
Is that what I heard?
More than anything in the world.
Don't you think I would drive you crazy?
(LAUGHS)
Don't you think I might get on your nerves a little bit?
No, you know what?
It was just a thought and if you don't want to do it, then fine.
I don't want to push you...
What? What? Am I so awful that you can't spend
a little time in a car with me?
Jesus Christ, Ma, how did you turn this around?
I just invited you to... I'm inviting you!
Do you want to drive across the country with me?
Well, I might have to reroute my mail.
Okay!
I'd have to miss my book club.
Ma, you have five seconds to tell me whether you want to go or not.
And then I'm revoking my offer, okay?
- Are you coming? - Okay. One, two...
I can't wait! What, are you kidding me?
- Honey! That is so exciting! - Okay, great! Good! I am!
- Tateleh! My boy, my boy! - Okay... You really are.
The sweetest...
- Look at this! I love you! - Okay, okay, easy.
Oh, my God! I can't believe... I have to call Gayle!
Oh, my God!
I'll have to retouch my roots though before I go.
What am I gonna pack?
You've got to fill me in on all the weather conditions
in all the states that we're gonna go through.
Okay, it's fine. I got it. It's fine. I got it.
Are you sure you didn't forget anything?
JOYCE: God, I don't know if I forgot something.
I don't think that's possible. I may be getting a hernia.
- Are you okay? - Yeah. I'll put that here.
Good, there's not too many people here.
Honey, make sure to ask if they have any kind of deal.
Okay. I will do that.
Hi, I'm Mark. I'll be assisting you.
Do you have a reservation?
I do. Last name is Brewster.
- Brewster. Okay. ANDY: - Mmm-hmm.
There it is. I just need a valid license and credit card.
- Ask him. - Okay, I will. Please relax.
Please calm down, Mom!
Sorry, but I just want to confirm I got an SUV
with a GPS system in it?
I have you in a Dodge Durango, GPS included,
returning in San Francisco.
- Great. - Do you really need an SUV?
The gas'll cost more than the car.
So that comes out to $112 a day.
Wait, wait, wait! I got a coupon.
Good. Yeah. That works. It takes 15% off, so...
It brings your new total to $940. Excuse me one second.
- Way to go! Yeah. - That was very exciting.
- I was going to ask. - Really.
- Yes! - I thought you forgot.
You thought in the two seconds since you reminded me...
Anyway! Anyway, nowadays small cars are fine in the snow.
They probably have that GPS thing.
They don't. Okay? Only big cars have GPS.
Actually, our GPS systems are separate.
You can rent them with any car.
And our economy cars handle quite well in the snow.
Hmm.
- Thank you, Mark. - You're welcome.
ANDY: So we'll just go by the circus, drop off our clowns...
JOYCE: Andy, stop it! It's adorable.
ANDY: You sure you don't mind driving, Ma?
No, honey. You work on your presentation.
I got my Book on Tape.
What are you doing, Ma?
Trying to find my Book on Tape.
Okay. Just keep your eyes on the road, for God sakes!
- Oh, here it is. - Okay, okay!
It's called Middlesex. This tape is excellent.
It's about a hermaphrodite. You know, a boy and a girl?
Two different parts in one person?
I... Yes, I know that.
It was in Oprah's Book Club once.
Say no more!
(AUDIOBOOK PLAYING)
You'll like this.
I love spoons.
You know what? That's enough Middlesex for now, I think.
That's good. Yeah, we're...
So, what's the plan, my little co-captain?
Well, I got three meetings today,
and then I got a few in Virginia,
and the last one is in Roanoke.
Roanoke! Whoo!
Then Texas is next. Costco. That's...
That's a big one, so if we want to get there in time,
we gotta be in Tennessee by Tuesday.
You know who lives in Tennessee, right?
Yes, I do. So after that...
Jessica in Nashville.
I know.
You know, I ran into her mother recently.
She says it's lovely there!
I'm sure it is. So...
You know, I spoke to Anita this morning.
Anita says that it would be good for you
to get some closure with that relationship.
So if we have time, we should meet up with her.
From Texas, we head to Santa Fe,
where I have one more pitch, then Vegas.
Mmm! A mom and her baby boy in Vegas. Sounds like fun!
That's their new slogan, I think, for tourism.
"A mom and her baby boy in Vegas." Yeah.
Mmm.
You know, I can't stop thinking about...
What, honey?
About that story you told me the other night, honestly.
About Andy Margolis.
I mean, tell me more about him. What was it...
What was it about him that you liked so much?
I don't know.
Broad shoulders, you know. Oops! Sorry.
Okay, what else? Anything less physically based?
I was cross-eyed when I was a little girl.
I told you that, right?
What does this have to do with what I asked you?
Well, one day I meet this boy, out of nowhere.
Andy Margolis. We went out on this first date.
We were dancing, and he told me that I was beautiful.
He was the first person to ever tell me that.
Don't you ever wonder, like, where he is,
what happened to him?
A little bit?
It's in the past, Andy. It's in the past.
ANDY: I could probably find him if you really wanted.
JOYCE: Don't you dare!
He's probably fat and obnoxious by now.
ANDY: Maybe he's just fat.
(INDISTINCT CHATTING)
What are you doing? No, no! Don't move their stuff around!
What are you doing? Just put it on the floor.
No, I don't put things on the floor. The floor is dirty.
The floor is too dirty for your purse?
You've been using that tissue in there for the last three days.
Well, there's always a clean side.
But it's true. You keep shoving it back in there.
I know, but I don't do things like that.
And anyway I forgot, I got my gizmo.
Purse hook.
Of course.
Whoa! What are you... (STAMMERING)
What?
You did something to me. What is that?
Just pick it up. Push it back.
- No. It's fine. - Show your face.
- Ma, my hair looks fine. - Okay, okay.
Is it weird?
- No, it's nice now. - Did you make it look weirder?
Thank you.
(SIGHS)
Honey, I know you're nervous,
but your show is gonna be great.
It's a pitch. It's a...
It's called a pitch, Mom.
Whatever it's called.
It's going to be great, I can feel it.
I'm glad.
Okay.
- You focus. - I'm trying.
And while you're focusing,
I'm going to play my game.
Till they call you.
All right!
(SLOT MACHINE RATTLING)
(JOYCE EXHALES)
(CHUCKLES)
(COINS JINGLING) (GAME BEEPING LOUDLY)
What? I'm playing slots, what?
Yeah, it's incredibly loud!
- Mr. Brewster? - Yes, hi there!
Hi there! They're ready for you.
Oh, fantastic! Great, good.
No. What are you doing?
- Going with you? - No.
- You can't come. - Why not?
I can't bring my mother in! It'll look crazy.
They don't know I'm your mother.
That's even weirder. Then who are you?
- Do you need a minute? - No, I'm good!
Thank you. I'm okay. Great. What are you...
- He's ready. - Please...
Thank you! Hi! Thank you very much!
- Thank you. - Great!
Good luck, sweetheart!
Thank you, ma'am! Nice to meet you!
Scieoclean is the only product that harnesses
the sustainable, renewable cleaning power
of these three products.
Now, this is a top-of-the-line digital pH meter.
This is our competitor's product.
Okay. Well, thank you for your time, Andrew.
That's it? (STAMMERING) I have FDA approval, and...
I just don't think it's for us.
But I want you to leave a card. We'll be in touch.
Honey!
- How did it go? - I don't want to jinx it,
but I think it went pretty good, actually.
- Really? Good job, sweetheart. - Yeah.
This is gonna be good. This is gonna be really good.
I can't wait to see what happens, right?
Look! The World's Largest Praying Hands are in Tulsa!
The World's Largest Rubik's Cube is in Tennessee!
The Grand Canyon!
I've always wanted to see the Grand Canyon!
No time, Ma. Tight schedule.
Maybe next time.
Thank you.
(SIGHS)
- Hey. - Oh!
- Good? Did it go good? - Yeah, it seemed to go really good.
You have a nice smile on your face.
Here, take a little water.
Andy, I think you're going the wrong way.
ANDY: We are not going the wrong way!
Well, that must feel good.
Why are you calling me, Ma?
Just go to the bathroom and come back!
What are you doing in there?
No, I don't want French fries! Just come back!
- Andy. - Yeah.
Promise me you'll never pick up a hitchhiker, okay?
I promise I will never pick up a hitchhiker.
Good. They rape.
You think they have a Gap Outlet here?
ANDY: A Gap Outlet?
JOYCE: I'm having Gap Withdrawal!
- Oh, good. Thank you. DOORMAN: - Sure thing.
Ooh! Look at this. Wow.
DOORMAN: - Evening. - Thank you.
(GASPS) Andy, look, they have a gift shop!
Oh, great. You go over there.
Hi, uh... Do you have any rooms available for the night?
Well, of course! A room for you and your lady?
(JOYCE GIGGLING) - My "lady"?
Andy, look, look! They have clip-on frog earrings!
Oh! No! Dude, that's... Don't wink at me!
That's horrible! That's my mother!
Are you insane? I need two rooms, okay?
Andy, don't be ridiculous.
Is that what you said? Two rooms?
It's not ridiculous. It's very necessary.
- It's a waste of money! - Not wasting money.
- Two separate rooms. - Sorry.
Don't be sorry!
Just don't imply that I am sleeping with my mother.
I am ready to go to market and I have full FDA approval!
Ooh! That sounds very impressive, Andy!
Oh! FDA approval! Oh, that is fancy.
- Very fancy. - Thank you, Ma. Good.
- I do have a few thoughts. - Great.
It's just a little hard to follow.
I'm still a little unclear, with all the coconuts...
What was that thing? "Dermal"? For the skin?
Yeah. Dermal. Skin. Yeah, I'm saying like...
I'm saying it's safe if you get it on your skin or in your eyes
or if you ingest it by accident, you know?
Well, why don't you just say that?
I mean, keep it simple. Make it clear.
I would get personal with them, too.
Like, you talk about their kids, talk about their pets.
Possibly seeing one of their loved ones
writhing in agony on the floor because they just
accidentally swallowed some of these other brands, you know?
That's good. You know what I should do is actually
bring in a kid and poison it in front of them.
And then they could actually just see
- what that would be like. - Now you're being silly.
I'm just saying, if it's safe to put on your skin,
then put it on your skin.
If it's safe to drink it...
- Yeah. - ...drink it.
Real good thinking, yeah.
You probably need to flavor it.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Cherry flavor, maybe, or root beer.
It's a cleaning product, Ma,
so root beer might be kind of a weird...
No, no! Oh, mint! Mint.
I'm just saying, if you drank it,
it would make it certainly more entertaining.
You know? Make it more of a show.
Well, I'm a scientist, Ma, I'm not a performer.
So, it's not really my priority to make it a show.
I'm not a showman, Ma.
- That is nonsense, honey. - Yeah.
Remember how good you were in Man of La Mancha?
People like a performance.
You're right. No, you're right. That's a great idea.
I should just do Man of La Mancha maybe.
I... You know what? I'll tell you what I would do.
What would you do?
I would change the name, too.
Because, look at this, this is very confusing.
- What is it? Psychoclean? - No.
- Skyoclean? Science Clean. - No.
It's Scieoclean, and it's kind of hard to change the name
because it's written on 10,000 bottles that I've already paid for. So...
Well, it's just peculiar, is all.
Okay, I'll change the name. Okay? Great. Okay. Good.
Oh, Andy, I'm having such a great time!
That's good, Ma.
Because I never get to go to nice places like this.
Mmm, it's true.
This place has a quarter of a star, so that's pretty good.
Do you know that they have a free continental breakfast here?
I'm glad you're having such a cultured trip with me, Ma.
- I'm in absolute heaven. - Good. Well, you know what?
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
(STAMMERS) I'm pretty tired. Maybe it's time we go to sleep.
- Oh, I should let you sleep. - Thank you.
- I am so sorry. - No problem. Thank you.
And we don't want to miss that breakfast, do we?
- No. Of course. Good night. - Okay, okay. Shh!
(WRAPPER CRINKLING AND TEARING)
(MUNCHING)
Are you chewing on marbles over there?
What is that sound, Ma? What are you doing?
What am I doing?
I don't know what... It's really loud!
I'm sorry.
Is that tin foil you're playing with?
- Just my M&M's. - Oh.
Okay, okay. You go to sleep.
See you in the morning.
(CONTINUES MUNCHING)
You can take one of my books into the bathroom
if you have to make.
(AUDIOBOOK PLAYING)
Okay.
Oh.
It's getting really dark, isn't it?
God, I hope it doesn't snow.
Honey, we're in Tennessee. It doesn't snow in Tennessee.
(WIND HOWLING)
You see? This is this climate change thing!
It's good I brought clothes for all kinds of weather.
- What are you doing? - I'm getting my coat out!
You're not being helpful!
You're distracting me! Just sit down!
Where's your coat?
This is not very helpful right now.
I can't believe I let you talk me out of getting an SUV.
I can't believe this.
Andy, just drive slow, okay?
Don't worry about what the truckers think.
I'm not worried about what the truckers think!
Why would I be worried about...
(BOTH SCREAM)
ANDY: Don't scream!
JOYCE: Let's just get off this road!
Maybe we should call Jessica!
- You've got to be kidding me! - Okay, we won't call her!
No, we got a flat tire!
Oh, this is a nightmare! I'm pulling over.
JOYCE: Good. Pull over!
- Oh, we're going to die, Ma! - No, we're not.
- Where's your coat? - Please stop talking.
You know what? I deserve this.
This is what you get for driving cross-country
in a skateboard.
JOYCE: Don't dwell on the past.
ANDY: It's just crazy. It's totally crazy.
- It could be worse. - Are you kidding me?
Look, we're seeing! We're alive!
- Okay, yeah, we're alive. - Just thank God for that.
- Okay? - Okay. I'm gonna get out...
Where's your coat?
I don't need a coat! I'll be back in two seconds, okay?
- You want to take my scarf? - No. I'm fine!
JOYCE: You're so macho! What are you proving here?
Be careful you don't slip!
Andy, your feet are going to get soaked!
Where are your galoshes?
Oh, come on.
JOYCE: You're used to California, that's what it is.
You don't know from galoshes.
ANDY: I don't know.
I don't know. It...
They don't look... They don't look flat.
Well, something must be wrong with it, you know?
I don't know what's wrong.
Why don't we call Triple A?
Look, there's a restaurant there.
Let's go and wait inside. Oh... Does that say "tapas"?
I love tapas!
That's not what it says, Ma!
MAN 1: - Over here, sweetheart! (MAN 2 WHISTLING)
MAN 1: Yeah!
This place smells like strawberry gum.
ANDY: Please don't sit near me.
When I was younger,
your father tried to make me go to one of these places with him.
He thought it would be "sexy."
Mmm.
- Yeah. What can I say? (GROANS)
It's not that, is it?
- What? Excuse me? What? - Your problems with women.
Do you think any of it is sexual?
I actually almost threw up all over the table
- when you asked me that. - Stop saying that.
I almost projectile vomited
- all over the bar. - Oh, please.
You know, come to think of it, when you were a baby,
about two months old,
your penis started turning purple. I swear.
- Please stop. - If I didn't inspect
that penis carefully every day, till you were five.
I'm begging you to stop talking right now.
You'd tell me if your penis started turning purple again, right?
My penis could literally grow an eyeball
and I wouldn't tell you about it.
I just worry about you.
- The color of my penis... - It's not purple.
It's pink. Hi!
- Thank you. - Thank you, sweetheart.
The roads are pretty awful.
Could take the tow truck quite a while.
Our girl Moonlight's pretty good with cars.
You want me to ask her to take a look?
Who's Moonlight?
Oh, my gosh, this is the cutest little thing.
That's very nice of you, Moonlight.
I just wish you were wearing something warmer.
Oh, that's sweet of you, but I'm fine.
- Put your hood up, honey. - No. I don't want to.
Oh. Here it is.
You got ice frozen up around the tire.
It's blocking the wheel and making it feel like you got a flat.
- My God! - You sure about that?
You sure it's not flat?
I'm positive.
Wow! She really is a mechanic!
She really knows what she's doing.
My God, you weren't kidding.
Thank you very much.
Those heels come in handy. I'm very impressed.
May I interest you in a private dance?
Oh! I'd love... Thank you,
but maybe another time when my mom's not here.
On! (LAUGHS)
- Great. Thank you. - Okay.
God bless, y'all!
- Bye bye! Cover up! - Oh, thank you, Miss Joyce.
They're saying you shouldn't get on the highway right now.
Are you staying local?
Yeah, we'll just get a hotel or something, I guess.
Well, actually, we don't have to because...
It's gonna be tough finding a room anywhere in this.
I bet.
You got anywhere you can crash?
- Yeah! - No. We do not.
- We do know somebody. - We don't.
- Don't you think we... - No, we don't.
JOYCE: We could call... You know.
Jessica, thanks for picking us up, honey.
Your mother fills me in occasionally.
How have you been, honey?
- Uh, well, pregnant, Mrs. B. (BOTH LAUGH)
Yeah, I'm due again in April. I feel like a house.
Oh, no. Well, you look fantastic!
Yeah. You look very pretty, still.
Oh, well, thank you. I...
I appreciate the lie.
No, not a lie at all.
Honestly, I don't know how I keep getting pregnant.
ROB: I got a theory.
It's called two margaritas and Love Actually.
(ALL LAUGH)
ANDY: Every time, right?
JOYCE: Very nice house!
Yeah. Very lovely color. Good paint job.
- New paint job, new fixtures. - It's very beautifully done.
It's quite a setup you have here.
Well, thanks.
Yeah, we like it.
I think it took a while for my Jersey girl here
to get adjusted, but I think she digs it.
JESSICA: Yeah, I do.
So, wait... So, Andy, you and Jessica
were high school sweethearts?
Yeah, we dated for a while in high school. Yeah.
It was great. It was a really fun time.
Oh, wow. Hey, you know, she talks about you all the time.
- Oh! - Really? That's funny,
because we've been talking about Jessica a lot.
I don't know if we talk about her a lot. Have we?
I mean, a normal amount.
She came up several times in conversation.
ANDY: - Very casually. - You see, Jessica,
Andy is still single, and we were wondering whether
your break-up had anything to do with it. What do you think?
No, yeah, don't be ridiculous. I mean, we were just kids.
You broke up with me when we were, what, like, 17?
- Eighteen. - Eighteen.
ANDY: Mmm-hmm. JOYCE: Wait a minute.
You broke up with her?
Well, technically, I guess.
God! Remember how crazy you were?
I was young and kind of...
You know, I felt a lot. Big feelings.
Mrs. B, did you know that Andy proposed to me
right before we went to college?
It was like a serious get-on-your-knee kind of proposal
right in the middle of the football field.
It was silly. It was a silly thing to do.
I said we were too young, obviously, and he ended it,
just like that!
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah!
Andy, can you imagine if I'd said yes?
(CHUCKLES)
No.
JESSICA: Hmm.
(SIGHS)
You proposed to her. Andy, that's so...
I wish I knew that.
Well, you do now.
I was just trying to help.
You always are.
Maybe it was healthy to see her.
Maybe it'll help you get on with your life.
Or maybe, just once, you could have,
one time, just minded your own business, Ma.
Maybe that could have happened.
Look, I have Costco today, okay?
I would appreciate it very much
if we could just drive in silence until we get to Texas.
I would...
I would appreciate that very much.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(MUTTERING)
They're gonna come get me in a second,
so just wait here until I'm back and don't talk to anyone.
- Can I just say one thing? - No. You can't.
Andy, I don't think they're coming to get you.
Why would they not be coming down to get me?
Because I'm noticing how it's done here.
It's like a different thing. You know?
They come to your table or something.
The people with the red, they see things on the table.
You bring your product or something. I...
Shit!
- Go away. Just leave. - Where am I gonna meet you?
- Andrew? - Hi! Hi there!
A pleasure to finally meet you, Andrew. Ryan McFee.
- Yeah. Great. - Costco.
This is Joyce. Joyce...
...-ton, my... Joyce Joyston.
(STAMMERING) My business partner.
- Ah! - Yes!
I'm his business partner.
- Then you should have a seat. - Fantastic! Yeah!
- Of course. Have a seat. - "Business partner, sit!"
ANDY: Yes. Why wouldn't you?
So, I would just like to start by saying how
honored I am that Costco Wholesale would meet with me.
I know the backing of Costco
could really make a product into something big.
Well, I'm looking forward to hearing your pitch.
Thank you.
Now, some history on my product.
- I'm sorry. - No problem!
- What is that? - My purse hook.
What does it do?
It just keeps the pocketbook from touching the dirty floor.
(LAUGHS)
- Ah! That is great! - Yeah, it's really neat.
Where'd you get that, the purse hook?
Uh, Amazon, I think.
Hmm.
(MOUTHING)
(WHISPERING) GO.
(WHISPERING) No, I am not going. It's rude.
- Go. - No, it would look bad.
Get out of here!
It's very rude. Extremely rude.
Will you just go?
Stop that.
Sorry. Please, continue.
I created a micro-emulsion suspension, Ryan,
that harnesses the natural cleaning and foaming power of
coconut oil,
palm kernel oil...
Oxygen.
...and
soy!
Or as I like to call it,
- Scieoclean! - Scieoclean!
Sounds good.
Oh, Oh!
Scieoclean. Yes. It took me a second. Sorry.
It read at first like Skyoclean. Or Psychoclean.
That's an unusual response.
Don't get hung up on the name, Ryan.
I mean, because Andrew was thinking of changing it.
RYAN: - Oh, that's a good idea. - Is he? Ah.
- Joyce is right. It's unclear. JOYCE: - Uh-huh. I agree.
Yeah. I wasn't really considering it.
I don't know what...
- We talked about changing it. - No, we didn't.
- In the hotel. - I don't remember that.
You said that the other night at the hotel.
- I did? - Don't you remember, honey?
- Don't call me "honey." - Mr. Brewster.
Maybe if you simply relabeled the bottle "Science Clean."
That's a good idea.
I don't actually have any money to relabel any bottles.
Wait a minute. How much would it cost
to relabel the bottles?
Bulk? (SCOFFS) A fraction of a cent.
Half a cent! And you're going to sell bulk.
What's the big deal?
Well, the aggregate amount...
So, listen, Andrew, when you relabel the bottle...
"When" is a little preemptive.
I don't know if I would jump to the "when" conclusion.
- Listen to what he's saying. - When you do, I would change
- the whole color scheme. - I agree.
It should be more, like, magenta.
What's gonna pop? You know?
I would strongly consider relabeling that bottle.
I know, but I put a lot of thought into this...
JOYCE: Listen to what the man is saying.
RYAN: You're going to have to relabel the bottle.
I'm not changing the goddamn label, Ryan!
Okay.
I know. I shouldn't have said anything.
Yep.
There are many other stores besides Costco.
Yep.
Think of all the other sales you already made.
Ah!
Well, the good news is,
I have got enough hair product to last me for years.
(SIGHS)
if you're going to drink all that alcohol,
you should really hydrate.
I don't want to say it again, so...
So, I'll just leave the water bottle here.
I only say that because
I read that for every glass of alcohol that you drink,
you need an extra glass of water...
Ma. Ma!
Can you not see that I don't want to talk right now?
Are you... Are you blind?
How idiotic can you be?
Can you not tell that I don't want any water?
Enough with the nagging and the water! Just shut up!
Just shut up!
I don't know what to say.
Finally.
"Finally", you said?
You little shit.
Mmm!
You condescending, self-absorbed little shit.
I can't do anything right by you, can I, Andy?
Everything I say is wrong, everything I do is wrong.
Go ahead. Why don't you keep insulting me?
'Cause you haven't made it quite clear
just how much you can't stand being with me!
What do you think, I'm stupid? You think I'm stupid?
No. You think I don't know that you went to school in California
so that you'd only have to see me once a year?
Why, Andy? Why?
What did I do wrong?
What did I do? Did I care for you too much?
Did I love you too much? What did I do?
- Okay, Ma. - It's not okay!
This is the way you talk to me?
Like I'm some thing that has to be tolerated?
Well, let me tell you something, kiddo.
You don't have to like me, or spend time with me.
But as long as I'm your mother,
you will treat me with respect.
Now drink your fucking water
before you drop dead from dehydration!
(SIGHS)
(DOOR BANGS SHUT)
(INDISTINCT)
(BELL TINKLING)
JOYCE: I was telling you this story
that was about Macy's and...
- You heard of Macy's? JIMMY: - Yes, ma'am.
JOYCE: I was sitting in the car, you see,
and I was trying to jam the key in the ignition,
but it wouldn't turn on. And you know why it wouldn't turn on?
Because I was sitting in the wrong car!
(ALL LAUGHING)
Isn't that funny? It was very funny at the time.
- Hey, Ma. - Oh, my God!
Look at who's here. The big, bad son!
- Andy! MAN: - Hey, son.
What, did you come to get me?
We should probably head back to the room, for a minute.
- I don't think so. - No?
I'm having fun here, Andy! I'm being fun!
And I'm meeting men! Andy!
Isn't that what you wanted?
That's not really what I meant, Mom.
Everybody, say hello to my little boy
who lives in California, far away from his mommy.
The opposite side of the world.
- Ma, you're drunk right now. - Please!
- You've had too much to drink. - I am not drunk.
I'm not drunk! He's far, far away.
But that's okay! It's okay. Jimmy?
You know it's okay because he calls me on my birthday
and sometimes he comes home for Thanksgiving.
I need another one of these drinky-poos! Okay?
Coming up.
Jimmy, I think she's actually had enough to drink,
thank you very much.
No, I haven't! Don't listen to him, Jimmy!
I want another drink, and I need more cheesy fries.
Seriously, I think she's had enough to drink.
Sorry, boss.
The lady wants a drink, she's getting a drink.
The thing is, the lady doesn't actually need a drink.
I paid for it, she's drinking it.
Look, you are crazy if you think
I'm gonna let you give that drink to my mom.
You should just get out of my way now.
Wait...
Actually, I'm really tired.
I think we should be going. We gotta be going.
No, no, no, no, no.
- Thank you so much. - Joyce...
- No... - Hey! Hey!
JOYCE: Oh, my God!
No, no, Jimmy...
(ANDY GROANS)
Quite a night.
Do you remember what I used to say
when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up?
I didn't say baseball player.
A lot of my friends wanted to be Power Rangers.
That was a very popular profession.
I was the weirdest kid in the world,
because I said organic chemist every time!
I mean, that's the only thing I ever wanted to be.
Do you remember that?
Yes, I do.
Always doing these strange
experiments in the basement,
wearing these goggles. I remember them.
Four times too big for your head.
Dude, those things saved my eyes many times.
I went to UCLA because they have the best organic chemistry program
in the country.
That's the only reason.
You hungry?
- Always. (CHUCKLES) Okay.
JOYCE: All right. Let's see.
I'll have an appetizer...
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Thanks.
I like those hats.
I'm sorry about last night, Ma, what I said.
I shouldn't have said that.
I said some things, too.
Yeah, you did.
(CHUCKLES)
I haven't made one sale, Ma.
I, uh...
I've spent the last five years developing a product
that's really good,
and that I can't sell, at all, to anybody.
All my money, all my time, all the money Dad left me,
I have none of that anymore.
And, honestly, I have
no idea what I'm going to do from now on, so...
I thought you should know that.
- Why didn't you say anything? - I don't know.
You know, you always say, "Who could say no to you?"
I didn't want to...
I didn't want to have to read you the list.
I could give you advice.
- I'm sure you could. - But I'm not going to.
'Cause you're a grown-up, Andy,
and I want you to be your own man.
- So you can... - When did you call Anita?
(CHUCKLING) Before I went to the bar last night.
Okay. (LAUGHING)
Andy, don't give up, okay?
I mean, we still have three more meetings, right?
We have Santa Fe, we have Vegas, San Francisco.
- And it's not over yet, okay? - Um...
Yeah.
About San Francisco, Ma...
Welcome to Cattlemen's. Y'all know what you want?
What is this... What is this thing here?
Oh, that's our specialty!
It's the biggest piece of Grade A steak around.
- Yeah? - Fifty ounces!
It comes with a dinner salad, roll,
shrimp cocktail and a baked potato.
Now, if you can eat that all in under an hour,
you get it for free. And you get a T-shirt!
Really? How much is it if you don't finish?
A hundred bucks.
- A hundred bucks? - Whoa, Ma,
are you kidding me right now?
You're broke, honey. Don't turn free down.
And you know how I can eat!
Yeah, that's four and a half pounds of meat, Mom.
That's a lot of meat!
I mean, that's like eating a poodle. You know?
You actually think you can do that?
I don't just think it, honey. I know it.
It's just if I want to do it, that's it.
Well, you want to do it, hon?
Yeah. I'm gonna do it.
But I want the salad dressing on the side.
It's a Weight Watchers thing.
Ladies and gentlemen! (BANGS ON TABLE)
If you would direct your attention to the stage,
you will find Miss Joyce Brewster.
- Hi. (APPLAUSE)
Now, Joyce is from New Jersey.
(CROWD BOOING)
- Hey, now... - Oh, that's not nice.
That's not nice! Joyce is from New Jersey,
but she's going to eat like a Texan tonight!
(ALL CHEERING)
Now, in the next hour, Joyce will have to consume
a tossed salad, with dressing on the side...
Healthy.
One of our dinner rolls.
Yum!
A shrimp cocktail!
- Love them. - A baked potato!
As well as this here.
(CROWD EXCLAIMING)
Wow! That is big!
Holy shit!
And it all has to get down and stay down in under an hour.
Everybody, let's give Joyce a great big hand!
(CHEERING)
- And let's go! - Okay.
- I have to put my napkin down. - Come on, Joyce!
Don't get all dainty, Joyce.
- Just dig in. Like a buzz saw. - Okay.
All right, thank you. Okay.
Whoa, this is thick.
- Just eat it. JOYCE: - My first bite!
(APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING)
(LAUGHS)
This could be a lot of bites.
I'm so hot.
Okay, everybody! Joyce has got 25 minutes to go now!
Watch the clock!
Excuse me. Sorry.
- I'm sorry. - It's okay. (CHUCKLES)
I've seen all sorts of people get after that steak,
but never one like that.
That's, uh, my mom.
That's your mom?
I would not lie about that, no. (LAUGHS)
I'm Benjamin Graw. My friends call me Ben.
Hi, Ben Graw.
I'm Andrew Brewster. My mother calls me Andy.
What brings you to Lubbock, Andy?
(STAMMERING) I'm traveling for work.
I'm just passing through, kinda.
Yeah, me, too. I'm headed to Tulsa.
I always try and make a stop here on my way,
you know, at the Steak Ranch here,
watching people get physically ill onstage.
It just don't get much more American than that.
It doesn't, no.
No, no. She should save the shrimp for last.
I'm kind of an expert by now.
I could help your mom, give her some tips.
Yeah! Sure. Why not?
- Go for it. Yeah. - Okay.
Howdy, ma'am. Your son, Andrew,
said I should come over and give you a hand.
See, the key is the size of the pieces you cut off,
- you gotta keep them small. - Mmm-hmm.
One other thing.
What? What is it?
It's called the cycle.
You got to learn the cycle, which is two small pieces,
potato, salad, then you have two small pieces of steak,
- potato, salad. - About that size?
Yeah. That's perfect, actually.
You'll get that down a lot faster.
- Okay. So two of those... - Two of those.
There you go.
I wish I could offer you some but I can't.
No, you got to eat this all yourself.
- And then that. - Yeah.
- That's perfect. - Is that good?
Yeah, it's good. You actually did all four at the same time.
That's pretty good. Now let's keep going. (CHUCKLES)
Mom's talking to a cowboy.
EMCEE: Come on! It's four minutes to go for Joyce!
Give her a hand. Get up and give her some encouragement!
- Faster, Andy, cut faster! - I'm going as fast as I can.
My arm's falling off.
Is it hot in here, or...
It's actually really, really hot in here.
It's not just you this time. (CHUCKLES)
You think I could ask them for a little ketchup?
I think you could ask for whatever you want, Mom.
I'll get you some ketchup.
But I'd like a little seltzer, too.
No, no. No seltzer, you need flat water.
Seltzer will make you too full.
- Where's the ketchup? - Are you okay?
- No, I'm not okay. - Are you sure?
I'm not okay!
You know what? You know what? Look...
- I'm throwing in the towel. - I wanted to do this.
No, I'm throwing it in.
Andy, I don't want you to have to pay 100 bucks
- for a lousy piece of meat! - It's fine!
Honestly, I'd rather pay 1,000 bucks
than watch you vomit in front of these people!
Hold on. Hold on. Ride it out.
All right? I want you to take a sip of water,
I want you to think happy thoughts.
What makes you happy?
Eating.
That actually helps a little bit.
But I don't know what to do now! I don't know what to do.
You're going to finish! Come on, let's go! Finish!
Finish!
- Come on! - Okay.
- Yes! Steak! Come on! (CHEERING)
Okay, everybody, come here!
I think she's going to do it! Come on! Let's go!
And over there. Come on!
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Yes! The steak's gone!
You gotta shoot it! Shoot it like a shot.
Shoot it? What's a "shoot it"?
- Like a shot! - Like this, you go like...
Oh, you mean like in the movies!
Ladies and gentlemen,
- this is to my son. CROWD: - Aw!
And don't forget the free T-shirt.
- I won't. - Shoot it!
(BELL DINGS)
(WILD CHEERING)
(WHOOPING)
(LAUGHS)
Yeah!
Thank you, honey.
Mmm.
So, you going to do any more sightseeing
on the rest of your trip?
BOTH: Um...
We wish we could.
We're actually on a pretty tight schedule.
We're going to Santa Fe, Las Vegas, and then San Francisco.
Well, I do hope you get to stop at the Grand Canyon.
Oh, no, we can't this time
because we're really on a very tight schedule.
- Well, maybe next trip, then. - Yeah.
Andrew. It was a pleasure.
Oh, yeah. You, too. Thank you so much.
And thank you. Thank you very, very much.
Thank you. And could I have a second with your mom?
Yeah! For sure. Yeah. Thanks.
I hope this isn't being too forward,
but when I see a woman eat like that,
well, it just makes a man want to stick his neck out.
(CHUCKLES)
I do business in New York.
I was hoping maybe I could
take you out to dinner one night.
Hmm.
I do know some restaurants
where you don't have to eat on a stage.
(LAUGHS)
That's funny.
The thing about dating... It is a date, right?
(CHUCKLES)
It's just so uncomfortable,
talking and eating with someone you don't know.
Some would argue that that's actually how
you get to know someone.
Yeah, that's... You could argue that.
(JOYCE STAMMERS)
I don't know what to say. It's just been a long time.
Well, I tell you what.
When you're ready,
give me a call.
I will think about it, Ben.
Joyce.
- Drive carefully! - I will. You take care now.
Bye, Mr. Graw! Nice to meet you.
- It's Ben. Ben. - See you, Andrew.
- Bye, Ben! (ENGINE STARTS)
- How scandalous! Mother! - Don't you say...
What a scandal!
Stop it. Come on. Don't do that.
"I'll think about it, Ben."
- That's exactly... - That's so...
You're blushing right now, you know that?
- That is so nasty! - That's exactly what you said.
You know, he's very nice. God!
I haven't had that much fun in such a long time. You know?
Maybe you're right, Andy.
Maybe I need a little more adventure in my life.
I'm really tired of going to the Gap.
- Are you actually? - No. Actually, I'm not.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
It's just that I'm a grown woman
and the most exciting place I've ever been is Florida.
(MIMICKING BEN) "Well, I happen to know a few places
you don't have to eat on a stage."
I'm gonna take this dessert...
I'm not gonna share it with you now...
(GRUFFLY) "I'm Ben Graw." - You're being obnoxious!
- "My name's Ben Graw." - Come on. Drive.
"This here's... Your train's getting robbed! I'm Ben Graw."
JOYCE: Did you notice how handsome he was?
ANDY: "I'm very handsome. I'm Ben Graw. "
- Did you notice his teeth? - "My teeth are perfect."
- Stop it! - "I have a very close shave."
I am going to kill you.
ANDY: What? That's exactly what he was like!
JOYCE: Stop it! Stop it! Are you hungry yet?
ANDY: Am I hungry yet? Are you kidding me?
JOYCE: Well, you just had a little hamburger.
Oh, wait! Look, look, look! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Number 10. - I know. It's very exciting.
Cool!
- Number 10 already! - Isn't that going to be great?
Yeah.
How many more CDs do we have?
JOYCE: I think 12.
ANDY: Twelve? We're not even halfway through?
These are good. They don't have too many chemicals.
What is that? Why do you want to feed me all the time?
You know what it is, honey? Food is love.
Come on, get in there. That's it. (LAUGHS)
Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh!
- I got us some treats. - Ma, you're in the wrong car!
JOYCE: (SCREAMS) Who are you?
You're in the... I'm over here!
Oh, my God! What happened?
ANDY: - Ha, yeah! - Oh!
I got goodies! (LAUGHS)
(AUDIOBOOK PLAYING)
What a nice chapter.
He's a beautiful writer.
- Whoa! (JOYCE LAUGHING)
It's okay, honey. I picked up a hitchhiker!
- How you doing? - Good.
- Isn't that great? - Yeah.
So, explain to me how a hot flash works.
It just feels like you're on fire all of a sudden!
You just want to dunk into a shower.
All over the city, they should have, like, big dunk tanks
so menopausal women can just hop in them any time.
- It's a pretty good idea. (LAUGHS)
I like your thinking, honey.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Wow!
Look at this!
Oh, honey, thank you! I can't believe you did this.
I always wanted to see the Grand Canyon.
ANDY: I know. Really spectacular.
Really beautiful.
Yeah.
So, how long are we supposed to look at it?
Ten minutes?
- Ten minutes! - Yeah. Right?
Seems disrespectful to look at it
for any less than 10 minutes, I guess.
But who'll know? (LAUGHING)
That's a good point.
- You want to go? - Yeah, let's go.
Let's go to Vegas.
We should tell our friends we looked at it for longer.
MAN: All right! You show 'em! JOYCE: Whoo!
JOYCE: Oh, I wouldn't have believed this!
ANDY: It's crazy, Ma.
Look at all these...
I can't get over the amount of light bulbs.
Can you imagine what it costs to run this place?
ANDY: No one flips them off when they leave the room.
It must drive you crazy.
JOYCE: I can't wait to see the slot machines.
Look, M&M's! Andy! (LAUGHS)
There you go! Imagine how loud you could chew those!
I just have a good feeling about tomorrow.
I think things are gonna go really well.
Well, it'd better.
That's our hotel right there.
- That's where we're going? - Look at the fountain!
JOYCE: Very elegant.
ANDY: I just feel a little weird valet parking Mr. Bean's car.
(JOYCE LAUGHS)
ANDY: - Nice, huh? JOYCE: - Whoa!
- Exciting! - I know! Isn't it?
- Oh, my God, we're here! - We're here!
- Look how beautiful! ANDY: - Thank you very much.
Appreciate that. Perfect.
Oh, my God! Look at their statues!
Is that the statue of David?
Yes, that's the actual David. They flew it here.
No, they didn't!
- Hi! I'm Andrew Brewster. - Hello.
I'm presenting to Home Shopping Network tomorrow.
Oh, great. Welcome, Mr. Brewster.
I just need your credit carol, please.
- Right there. - Thank you.
I see you're on their corporate rates.
Oh, great!
Here is your credit card.
- Thank you. - Perfect.
JOYCE: How are you doing on this thing?
Oh, Jesus! Okay. Okay.
Hey, Ma! I was gonna go take a shower, then we should eat,
then I want to go to the Bellagio.
- We can see the fountain... - No, honey, look at this.
Frogs. It has frogs!
- Great. - And it's on the aisle.
They put it in front. You know why?
Because this is a winner.
Ma, there's lots of machines on the aisles.
Oh, look at this, I got a seat! The guy left.
- That's great. - I'm so excited!
Ma, come on, let's just go, okay?
No. No, no, honey. You go up, drop the bags, shower,
do whatever you want.
I'm going to play here, okay?
Are the drinks free here?
Yeah, the drinks are free.
- They're free? - Yeah.
So, would you please flag me down a waitress if you see one?
- Okay. Yeah, okay. - Okay. Okay.
Great.
What does that mean? Do you know?
You won about 10 cents.
Ten cents? That's it?
I got three navel oranges.
It's still going up! Who do I call? Who do I tell?
Oh, I know. I got a good feeling about this.
Where are the drinks?
Good luck with that.
- Really? - Yeah.
(DOOR LATCHES)
Ma?
It's me, honey.
You're finally back?
What time is it?
- Hi, sleepyhead. - Hi.
(GROANS) (CHUCKLES)
Oh, I'm so excited.
Are you up? Are you up? Are you up?
- Yeah. - Mmm!
So... (CLEARS THROAT)
Do you notice anything different?
Yeah, you gamble all night and get drunk at 7:00 a.m.
No! No, I got my ears pierced! Look.
- Isn't that great? - Oh, wow.
- Yeah, look at that! - All right.
I was up $60 and I decided to call it quits.
And so then I passed a jewelry store
and I got my ears pierced!
Okay!
And it didn't even hurt.
Well, if you're happy about that, then good for you.
I'm happy about that.
- I am so happy, Andy! - Good.
I could just stay here forever.
Well, eventually you might run out of things to pierce
and your frog machine might short-circuit.
I don't know what you'd do after that.
I know. I just got carried away.
Yeah.
- So, I was thinking... - Yeah.
...that maybe you should go to San Francisco alone,
and then I could spend the rest of the weekend here.
Uh, I don't think that's the best idea.
Why not?
You know, we've been having fun.
We should keep it going.
I've only been punched in one side of my face.
I'm letting you off the hook, you know.
You drove all the way to Las Vegas with your mother.
I have enough bragging material to last the rest of my life, honey.
Ma.
I don't actually have a meeting in San Francisco.
I tracked down Andy.
Margolis.
He's the meeting in San Francisco.
He had the same job. He works for the same company!
He got transferred to the West Coast.
And I got his information.
I got his number and his email and his address.
And he's not married.
So I figured why not?
When?
When what?
When did you track him down?
(SPUTTERS) Right after you told me he existed.
I tracked him down. It was really easy.
So that's why you
wanted me to come with you.
So I could see Andy Margolis.
Ma, of course not!
I think that I wanted to meet him, too, you know.
Oh, God.
I was so stupid!
Why is that... Why are you stupid?
Oh, my God.
I actually thought that you wanted to spend time with me.
I do want to spend time with you, Ma.
That's why I invited you.
It's okay.
I'm not mad.
I mean, most kids wouldn't even care enough.
I just, uh...
I thought it was something else, that's all.
Ma, let's just talk about it for one minute, okay?
You don't have to go.
No, no. It's okay.
You better get ready for your meeting, honey.
ANDY: Come on, Ma! That's not what this is...
Andrew Brewster for Skyoclan?
(QUIETLY) Scieoclean.
Okay, Mr. Brewster, you get five minutes
to explain the product and demonstrate.
Our hostess, Amy, will introduce you
and you can interact with her however you want.
Any questions?
Yeah, I didn't realize this was a whole thing.
I didn't realize it was on camera.
You're gonna be great. Go for it.
Hello. Hi.
- Andrew, hello! - Hi, yes, I'm Andrew.
Nice to meet you.
- I'm Amy. Nice to see you. - Hi, Amy. Hi. So...
Oh, gee. No, thank you. I'm okay. Thank you.
So we're gonna look right out to the front here.
Wow! This is the real set.
Yes, we're on the set now.
Roll cameras!
Ooh! It's hot in here.
It is warm. It's very bright. I... (STAMMERING)
MAN: - Action! - Welcome back to HSN.
I'm here with Andrew Brewster,
creator of an exciting new organic cleaning supply.
Tell us a little bit about Scieoclean, Andrew.
It's actually Scieo-clean.
- That's exactly what I said. - It is.
Uh...
Scieoclean, as I call it,
is an exciting new cleaning product
that harnesses the natural foaming and cleaning power
of three completely renewable resources.
- Interesting. - They are...
Here they come, out of your special secret box.
- ...coconut oil... - A coconut!
That's a coconut. Let's see.
That's hard. That's a hard nut to crack, isn't it?
As I previously stated, a neutral pH reading
is somewhere between six and eight.
Now, if you recall, Scieoclean came in at seven,
which was perfect.
Now, my competitor's pH reading is nine point...
Can you see it?
Is it in the... I don't know if you're zooming in on...
But it says nine point six, which is high,
and it, uh...
I lost you guys. Uh...
I totally lost you guys.
That lady's sending an email.
I've completely lost you,
and I think I know why I lost you guys.
It's 'cause this sucks! And it's boring.
And it's full of a bunch of science-y stuff that no one really cares about.
So, why don't I try this?
Just tell me about yourself, Amy.
Do you have kids? You have any pets or anything like that?
Yes, I do. I have a dog and a little girl.
Okay. What are their names?
Mr. Pickles and Gabriella.
Oh, that's funny. If I have a daughter, I'm gonna name her Mr. Pickles as well.
(LAUGHING)
AMY: Sorry.
So let me ask you,
you probably go through great pains
to prevent Mr. Pickles and Gabriella from dying,
- if I'm not mistaken. - Well, yes, I would.
Is this what you normally clean your house with?
It's whatever's on sale. It's usually blue or yellow.
That would be correct, yes.
Well, here's the problem with that.
It's extremely poisonous.
And it's really dangerous. I can show you statistics
and experiments that prove that my product
doesn't only clean better than those, but it's safer.
But if I've shown you one thing, it's that that is really boring.
So instead, I'll just do this.
I'll step back for the experiment.
Oh, my God.
Wow. I'm impressed.
I am.
Scieoclean is the best cleaning product that's ever been invented.
It's completely natural, it's completely safe,
and it cleans better than any product on the market.
If any of my competitors are making the same claim,
all I say is, come on TV
and drink your product. But I don't think you will
because no one wants to shit blood on TV.
That's it. That's all I got.
(CHUCKLING)
Scieoclean. It's safe, it's non-toxic,
- and you can drink it. (BOTH LAUGHING)
And cut!
Uh, Mr. Brewster?
Yeah.
Well, we are intrigued!
You're...
- You're intrigued? - Absolutely!
That presentation was wonderful.
You actually drank that stuff?
I did drink it! Yeah! It's made out of food.
It was a great pitch.
Thank you so much! If you want to hear more...
I said it was boring, but the stuff about
the micro-emulsion is actually pretty amazing.
- Does it actually clean? - Yes, it cleans great.
Okay, we're gonna wanna see that at some point.
Oh, yeah, anytime. I can demonstrate that anytime.
- And it has full FDA approval? - I have full FDA...
How many units do you have ready for market?
Thousands of units. I have way more than I should, probably.
Well, we're gonna have to run it up the ladder, obviously,
but I have a really good feeling about this.
Thank you so much.
Oh, thank you! Thanks. Wow.
Great presentation.
Well, I'm glad you think so. You have my info.
Absolutely. We'll be in touch. Great job.
Thanks for sticking with me.
(WHISPERING) Just don't say anything.
Just turn around. Just keep walking.
- I'm not saying anything. - Just turn around.
- People love a performance. - Stay calm. I know, I know.
This was better than Man of La Mancha!
- So how bad did it taste? - It was horrible!
It was so gross!
- Well, you acted great. - Oh, thank you.
- It needed the mint. - It does.
What about the guy? What did he say to you?
He said it was a great pitch.
He said he's going to move it up the ladder.
- No! - Yes!
- He used the ladder word? - He used the word "ladder"!
- I know! - You're going to be famous!
I might be, I don't know! (LAUGHING)
Do you still want to go to San Francisco?
Seriously?
Yeah.
We're practically there.
You're curious, I'm curious, so, what the hell?
Yeah, if... Are you... Are you sure you want to?
Yeah.
Okay. (CHUCKLES) Great.
- Okay. - Okay.
JOYCE: So, honey, what if you take an eye dropper
and you drop it in your eyes?
ANDY: Oh, you're right! You know what?
It's actually not a bad idea. I should do it.
JOYCE: You could also put it in your nose.
ANDY: Right.
JOYCE: So what was your plan?
ANDY: Um, well, I thought you'd call him
and you'd say, "Hey, remember me?"
And then you guys would go have some tea,
- and then you would marry each other. (CHUCKLES)
Well, then you don't have to pay for my old age home.
Exactly. That's the real plan.
Very, very good thinking.
Here. Here. His number's on top there.
- What? - Call him.
Put it on speakerphone. Put it on speakerphone.
- Oh, no, honey... - I want to hear. Yeah.
Okay. This is the moment of truth. Okay.
I hope he's home. I hope he's not home.
I hope he's home.
(CHUCKLES) - This is very tense for me.
How'd you get this number?
Well, there's this Internet now.
- Oh! Oh, right. - It has tons of information.
- Okay, I'm going to press... (DIALING)
"Call." Just hit "call."
You sure that this is his number?
- That is the number. (LINE RINGING)
I can't take the pressure.
MARGOLIS: Hello?
(SOFTLY) This is it.
(QUIETLY) Talk.
Hello?
- Andy? - Speaking.
- Hello? - Keep talking.
(DISCONNECTS)
- I can't. - What was that?
- I can't! It was him! - I know! I heard!
- It was him, Andy! - Why did you do that?
- I got scared! - Ma, you gotta call him back!
- Come on! - I couldn't talk.
Don't wimp out like that.
- This is his address, right? - Yes!
Okay, so what I think we should do,
since we're gonna do this,
we should just surprise him.
That's what I think we should do.
Okay. Fine.
- Okay? - Yeah. No, that's a good idea.
You know I have to stop and change, right?
I do. I know that, yes. You told me.
I have to... Yeah.
You are really getting dolled up over there, Ma.
Honey, the man hasn't seen me since I was 21.
I don't want to scare him.
Well, then don't do that.
JOYCE: (RAZZES) I'm not going to do that in front of him.
(JOYCE LAUGHING)
JOYCE: Nice neighborhood.
ANDY: Very nice.
JOYCE: Oh, my God. Mmm!
This is it, Ma. This is the house.
- Really? You sure? - Yeah, sure. Positive, yeah.
How do I look? Do I look okay?
You look very nice, actually.
- Really? - Yeah. You do. You look good.
Good. So I don't have to
- worry about that. - No, you did it.
Okay. I just hope we have the right address.
I, uh... I'm positive we do. I looked it up.
I don't know. You can't trust those GPS things.
- No, I looked it up. - All right.
JOYCE: Okay.
- I can't! - Just do it. Come on.
Okay. Okay, I'm going to do it. Ready, set, go.
(RINGS DOORBELL)
It's old-timey. I like that. That was good.
- Maybe he's not home. - Just push it again.
Come on.
(RINGS)
MARGOLIS: Coming!
- He's home! - He's coming.
- He sounded very masculine. - Oh, my God.
Hello.
Hello. We're looking for Andrew Margolis.
Oh, not interested. Thank you.
No, we're not selling anything.
We're just trying to find Andrew Margolis.
This is his house, right?
This is his house. I'm him.
- What can I do for you? - You're...
You're Andrew Margolis from J&R Advertising?
Yes, I am Andrew Margolis from J&R Advertising
and this is getting weird. What is this about?
You're his son. Right?
(CHUCKLES)
Your father's name is also Andrew?
Yes.
And he also works at J&R?
Well, he owned it. I'm sorry, I'm confused.
No, no, I'm sorry. It's 'cause this is confusing.
My mother's an old friend of your father's.
I thought you... it doesn't make a difference.
Could you just help us get in touch with your father please?
Well, I'm sorry. My dad died five years ago.
Oh.
Mmm!
Yeah.
Look, would... Do you want to come in?
- Or something? - Do you want to...
- I would like to sit down. - Yeah, please, come in.
- Thank you. - Absolutely. Please.
Thank you.
MARGOLIS: You're driving to job interviews?
ANDY: Pitching the product.
MARGOLIS: All over the country. ANDY: All over, yeah.
Your father was very important to my mother.
MARGOLIS: He was a good man.
Um... How long were your parents married?
- Twenty-six years. - Wow.
Yeah. My mom's in Florida now.
ANDY: We should probably get going.
You just got back from a trip, so...
- Nice to meet you. - You, too.
I don't know if my son mentioned this,
but I dated your father for a while.
Before he met your mother.
- Really? - Yeah.
And, um.
I just wondered, did he ever talk about
- that part of his life? ANDY: - Ma...
No, no, no, it's okay. Um...
No, I'm sorry, I didn't know.
My dad never talked about anybody but my mom,
at least not to us.
Right. Of course not.
He was a very, very nice man.
Very, very nice to me.
And I'm really sorry for your loss.
- Thank you. WOMAN: - Hi, I'm here!
You have enough mail here to choke a horse!
Hi. Oh, sorry. I didn't realize you had company.
No, no, that's okay. These are old friends of Dad's.
This is my sister.
Hi. I'm Andy.
Hi. Joyce. Nice to meet you.
Yes. Hi.
- Welcome back. MARGOLIS: - Thank you.
JOYCE: Do you still want to get dinner?
MARGOLIS: I do. It might be a few minutes.
Okay. I didn't mean to interrupt.
MARGOLIS: No, no, no. Not at all.
They're on a road trip.
(QUIETLY) Honey.
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
(BOTH CHUCKLING SOFTLY)
(AUDIOBOOK PLAYING)
Just one second, okay?
(AUDIOBOOK STOPS PLAYING)
JOYCE: Remember to drink your water.
ANDY: Okay. I will.
JOYCE: Six bottles a day.
ANDY: Because it's good for my skin and my kidneys?
JOYCE: - That's right! - Okay.
So, you checked the car thoroughly?
I checked the car. I checked every inch of the car.
And the front and the back?
There is no way we left anything in the car, okay?
- Yeah. - Yeah. I think, uh...
I think I'm... Yeah, I'm that way.
And I'm this way. Right?
Okay. Well, you sure you can find the gate on your own?
Can I find the gate on my own?
Honey, I pierced my ears and ate half a cow.
- I think I can find the gate on my own. (LAUGHS)
- Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
You know, this, uh...
This week really didn't go how I planned.
Oh, sweetheart, it went better.
It went... You know, I spent almost 30 years of my life
thinking I didn't matter to someone who mattered a great deal to me.
I got the answer I needed. I did.
- It's like Anita always says. - Oh, God.
When it's meant to be, it's meant to be.
That's actually good advice.
I think I should give you her number.
- Okay. - The point is that
I wasn't meant to be with Andy Margolis.
You see? I was meant to meet him,
but I was meant to marry your father.
Because if I hadn't,
I wouldn't have had you.
Don't you see, Andy?
It was always you.
You're the love of my life, baby.
It will always be you.
(SIGHS)
I got to go before I start crying.
Just remember one thing.
If all the boys in the world were lined up
and I could only pick one...
I wouldn't have let you pick anyone else, Ma.
Yeah, you would have.
You would have let Mrs. Shapiro pick you.
- No, I would not. - You loved her cookies.
They were really good cookies. (LAUGHS)
I miss you already.
You know, this was the best week of my life.
I love you, Mom.
Okay. Bye.
Okay.
You've got to be kidding me. This is a new record.
Hi. Ben?
It's Joyce. Yeah, the big eater.
(CHUCKLES)
Okay.
(CHATTING INDISTINCTLY)
- Mom, you want to try some? - Sure.
You see, Mom?
It's right over there.
Hello, Mom.
I think we should think about taking another trip,
in Europe. How about that?
- You want to go to Europe? - What do you think about that?
I don't think that's a very good idea.
I am so fascinated with the Book on Tape,
I want to finish it, I sit in the garage.
Well, I hope you turn the car off,
'cause you're gonna die if you don't.
I know. I know.
- I gotta remember that. - That would be good.
Since I was your mother and your father,
and I had to tell you about sex.
Yes.
Did that help you in your life?
Well, you can't undo the fact that you told me
about penetrative sex at a young age.
But I guess... I don't know.
Just don't do that in the future.
Well, I'll give you my number.
Okay.
And you give us a call when you're in town.
Yeah, you guys should probably keep in touch.
All right.
Like, as a rule? They just rape all the time?
No, not all the time. Sometimes. But you never know.
They may not rape you, but...
- They'll rape someone. - They're gonna rape someone.
- They might rape both of us. - Oh, no!
I carry the Books on Tape in a Walkman.
- In a what? - A Walkman.
In a Walkman?
Do you have to get in a time machine before you use that?
You should call Cousin Lowell.
I should call Cousin Lowell?
Have I ever met Cousin Lowell?
It doesn't matter. He has T.B.
it would be very nice to hear from you.
- He has tuberculosis? - It's around now.
- Do people still get that? - Oh, yes. Absolutely.
I thought they stopped getting that, like, in cowboy times?
Didn't you hear that story... No.
Didn't you hear that story about the guy on the plane?
- He had tuberculosis? - And he infected the people.
Was Lowell on that plane?
I think so.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Exit in 1,000 feet.
Come on! Exit! A thousand feet! Just exit!
How far is 1,000 feet?
You got to merge, Ma! That way!
Into what, honey? Into what?
Into the exit!
I'm driving 65 miles an hour and she's talking in feet.
- Who the hell is that? - Holy shit, there's a woman!