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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Simon.
My name is Simon.
Hi Tex, where are you, Cincinnati?
Hi Tex, where are you from? Cincinnati?
How did the punk rocker cross the street?
He clamps the chicken on his head.
Hey, doctor.
I got this problem, no one has noticed me.
Next, please.
Hey, doctor. I got this problem,
I can't have friends, You are fat big fat fat.
Hey!
Grasshoppers enter a bar.
The bartender is seen in the grasshopper and says,
"Hey, you know we drink named after you?"
Grasshopper said,
"You drink named Herman? Ho!"
Hi Tex, where are you, Cincinnati?
So I go to this bar, and go to the bartender and say,
"Hey, do you want to hear a good Polish joke?"
He left... "I'm Polish.
Did you see that guy with a big neck?
He's fucking Polish. Still want to tell the joke?"
I said no. " He left, " Why, are you afraid? "
" No. " " Then why don't you want to to tell jokes? "
" I don't want to explain it twice. "
Applause.
Copy.
Whoa.
I got a message. " Sally wants to talk to you.
Do you have time? "
Do I have time? Come on, I always have time for you.
I want you to do me a little help,
This is about Simon.
Tonight is a big night.
I want you to give Simon has a chance.
Just this once. This is a big problem.
Sal.
- Simon, a thief joke? - I know I know.
Yes you know...
There are people here who don't exactly love him, huh?
I care about that person, he's a good guy.
But you ask a lot.
He tells a good joke.
When he told them, they were funny.
She's funny.
She's a cute little worm, isn't she?
Yes, and he stole from the best.
Do you want me to do it for help?
Or do you want me to do it a favor for you?
That is the same thing. Listen, I want...
- Uh, uh, uh! - That is the same thing.
I mean, I want him to be able to
to prove to himself that he can do it.
This is national. This will be national!
For me, is this help for you?
Yes. This is help for me.
Then it's finished. Why do you even ask?
You know, for you, I will do anything.
- Enter him. - I love you, friend.
Yes?
Hey, Simon. Hi, it's Seb.
Uh... do you want something to eat?
What do you mean?
What are you, Jenny Craig, Do you want to feed me?
No no!
I'm very big room service orders
very well, a bottle of beautiful wine
going up, do you want it?
Yes, I appreciate it. Yes, I will take care of you.
You don't have to pay for anything.
Just look at the peephole and it will close.
Good. Thank you.
No problem. Have a good meal, enjoy yourself.
Yes.
Damn man! Jenny Craig from everyone.
- Yes? - Come on down, I need you here.
I'm here.
Put the tray down, down here.
I need you now, okay?
Good.
Kiss my ass.
Others.
Amy, baby.
Is it my brother yet?
It's a little early for your brother.
You know, I love it,
but you are too soft to your brother.
If I will be soft on someone, it will be my brother.
She's the only brother I have.
And I love him.
S├¡? I mean, huh?
You know, in the second thought, don't bother.
It has been taken care of.
You don't need me anymore?
Good.
Where are all of them?
Hello?
Simon, is that you?
Yes.
I'm here at The Basement Comedy Club.
- Yes? - And then they...
They will be national tonight. They want you to do a set.
Tonight?
I just made myself something nice to eat.
- What do they pay for? - Two hundred.
Two hundred dollars?
Am I not saying two hundred?
- And how long is this set? - Five minutes...
What will I wear?
You know what you will wear.
Wear what you always use.
- Hey - Daddy, do you want me?
Come on, sit down.
Listen, I want to talk to you.
What do I do now?
You did nothing.
You know You are a great salesman.
Customers love you.
I got a lot of reports, a lot of feedback.
I got a lot of feedback.
Your brother, he's a good administrator.
But you, You can sell anything.
Fridge expresses to Eskimo.
Daddy!
I just sold my first car
and I'm really dirty urinating from this idiot.
Yes, he did it.
I just said, you know, everything has a shelf life.
Including me.
But I still have a lot of kicks left.
But you know, I'm headed for retirement.
I want to spend more time with your mother.
And this business, is yours.
And I want you to take care of business.
I want you to continue selling cars,
I want your brother to become an administrator because he is great at that.
- So he will be my boss? - You are good at selling cars.
- He won't be your boss. - Simon.
I will never be your boss.
But I will always be your sister.
Simon,
we know what you want.
We know what you want to be a comedian.
And you are talented. You're funny.
And I don't want to stand up in your way.
But you must always have it replacement plan.
A backup plan, in case it doesn't work.
And here it is.
You can always return and sell cars.
This business will always be yours.
That will be yours...
and yours.
But he will run it.
He will run it, and you will sell the car.
Daddy, you know I love you.
That's your business, do what you want.
You built this
and I don't want to talk again, okay?
- I have to go. - Simon!
Bro!
Daddy, let me talk to him.
No no
No, this is not a brother for your thing,
this is a... thing to father to child.
I will talk to him.
for a moment?
You take my office now?
Simon! Nobody goes to take your office.
Can I sit down?
This is your place.
You can sit wherever you want, father.
I will clear something immediately.
This is our place.
Simon...
I know what we are talking about there hurts your feelings.
But listen, kid.
You don't have faith or believe in me.
I trust you implicitly.
But someone must be a driver,
and you always love being a passenger.
And that's you.
He will drive business.
You are the passenger.
You will sell a car,
and I'm sure you will go for success in your dreams.
And that's what I want.
But now...
I want to give you something.
That is very important.
Is that my entertainment gift?
This...
This is a vest that my father gave me.
And his father gave him.
Already inherited
and I think it's a fortune vest.
I can't use it anymore, do you know? But...
I want you to have it.
This will be a fortune vest for you, Simon.
That's special.
This is inheritance.
And when I don't exist anymore...
You will think of me when you use this,
and that will take you lot of luck.
This is yours, Simon. I love you.
Love you, son.
They offer you two fucking dollars.
Good.
I will be there.
Now! Like now, like five minutes ago.
Good.
OK? Do not be late.
Hey, no, no. Try to listen. Do not be late.
What is this?
Hello?
- Simon. - Hey, William.
Hey, you got in today, bro?
I'm sorry. No, I did not enter.
Got a big break tonight. I'm going to The Comedy Basement
to do a set, and it will be broadcast on television.
Wow congratulations! That's good news.
Thank you, I appreciate it.
Can I get a car?
Simon, you know I can't do that.
What is this, friend? We have a dealer
and you won't give me a car?
Every time we give you a company car, you sell it.
I'll take you. Uber.
Come on, man. I don't want to enter Uber.
They all smell foul like curry.
Simon, not every Uber driver comes from India.
There are many types of people: Irish, Italian, Chinese!
Come on, please.
Tell me when you need a car,
and I will take it there.
Twenty minutes.
Finish Hey, I'm proud of you.
Are you coming?
Right.
Very?
I will be there.
- OK. - I love you.
- I'll meet you tonight, bro. - Thank you.
Mr. Simon! Welcome!
My brother is an idiot.
I'm Jagdish but you can call me Jerry.
How are you, Jerry?
Easy.
Everything is bent, sir?
I have to put my seat belt on?
That's the law, sir.
How was your day, sir?
Good.
By the way, do you like my car? That's new.
Very nice.
I am very proud of it.
Good.
That's fast.
Like a tiger!
Can you help me, though? Can you slow it down?
Because of what I eat for breakfast it will come out from my nose and my ass.
Very good, sir.
What are you doing, sir? What is your profession?
I'm a... I'm a comedian.
You tell and write a joke, then?
I tell jokes, I write a few jokes.
But I'm a comedian.
So, some people sing,
but they don't need to...
write all their songs.
I have never met teller jokes before.
An honor.
Thank you, I appreciate it.
Is this... a good job?
That... I think you have it to commit... to that.
Only, I guess, like you committed
for the work you do.
I like my job.
I like my job!
I hope you love your work, sir.
Hah. Damn it.
Hey, what time is it now?
It starts in ten minutes.
Fuck.
Damn Simon.
Please sir. Tell me a joke. I like to laugh.
Good.
Do you know why a blonde woman has a belly bruise?
No.
Because a blond man is also stupid.
I... I don't understand.
Because blonde people are stupid.
They think the belly button is the vagina,
so they knocked it.
Excuse me.
Hello?
Simon. Where are you?
I'm in Uber, I'm on my way.
Twenty-two minutes, sir.
Thank you for that.
Turns out 22 minutes.
Simon, please don't screw this up, okay?
I'm on my way.
Simon? Si... Making love.
Is that... your best joke, sir?
This is very good. Uh, very good.
But you don't laugh.
Well, I don't understand,
but I'm new to this country, and...
Can you help me and slow down?
Because I will be sitting fucking
in your spare tire right away, Jerry.
I'm sorry sir. This is a very fast car.
I just learned how...
So maybe You should buy...
a Hyundai.
Hyundai is very good car too, but...
this one is fast like a tiger.
Take it easy. Hey, relax.
To be honest with you brother, he's your brother.
Will you stop it, you suck.
Good.
Ooh!
- Hi. - Hi. How are you?
- Pretty good. - Is my brother busy?
Does that matter?
Even if he is, he always has time for you.
- Continue. - Appreciate that.
- Can I enter? - Yes, of course.
Look who it is!
- How are you, bro? - Hi, friend.
What is that? Come here, you! I love you.
- Nice to see you, come in! - You too.
Sally, what's wrong? Hey, champ.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey. - Come on.
I see.
What can I do for you?
Yes you know...
I am a small slug.
I am rather strict, and...
for some scratches,
and I hope You can give me a down payment.
Simon, you know the deal.
We get paid the same every month.
If I blow my money,
I did not cut myself another check.
I see. But you, You can step out to the floor
whenever you want,
and make it happen. Listening.
Go there and sell cars,
I will give you commission now.
Well, thank you for seeing us but I don't want to sell cars.
Do it! Make it a reality.
I'm not even dressed, I don't even have a jacket.
I got you.
There we go. Wow! It's a 30 pound jacket.
- Don't make me sell cars. - Come on, come on.
It's like breathing for you.
Do you keep my jacket behind your door?
Yes.
Go get them, tiger!
Watch this.
Watch this? What are you talking about?
He is my good friend.
He will return here in two seconds by contract.
Beware.
Good evening... how are you?
- Good thank you. How are you? - My name is Simon.
- Hi, Bernard. - Nice to meet you, Bernard.
Call me Bernie. I just looked around.
Bernie?
I will only tell you about cars,
because that's my job.
- Sure. - Do you like cars?
I like that, huh.
You know, Bernie, I have to tell you something.
When they say they don't make it they are like before...
Thank God, because they were first
a pile of dirt.
This is a car. The highest level of technology,
the software synchronizes with your phone,
is it Apple or Android.
All wheel drive, 2000 CC,
This is the same driving machine, This is good for gas.
This is a fast car.
- Yes Very nice. - And look at the back seat.
If you want a girl in the back seat,
You will not break a vertebra.
I am married, But thanks for the information.
Bring your wife in the back seat.
- Do you love cars? - Yes, yes.
Can I give a suggestion, Bernie?
- Sure. - Come on, get into my office and talk.
- What do you think? - Okay, Simon.
Thank you.
- Bernie, please come in. - Yes
- Sit down, friend. - Thank you.
Bernie.
I was born in this business.
This is my father who started this business,
he started as a seller.
I speak to you like a brother.
The car... Do you like that car?
I like that car. This is a beautiful car.
... it suits you very well.
- The car must fit you, friend. - Yes.
It has a CC 2000 the same driving engine,
This is good for gas.
That's not a dog.
Because most of these cars are fuel-efficient You have to get out and damn push.
But... this is the problem.
If you don't take this car,
and they sell it, that's six, eight, maybe ten weeks.
Nearly a year full of models. And I will not go back and forth.
I will give you the best deal,
first time.
Make a deal, then you can take it.
I can have it PDI & apos; d
and leave the showroom tomorrow
No, not at all.
No, I have to check it with my wife, you know?
I appreciate that.
The second biggest investment your life is your car.
- Yeah right. - I'm on your side, Bernie.
And you might try to slam it in the back seat,
as you say.
There is a lot of space. There is nothing like romance.
This is what I will do.
I want to hold the car for you.
So, there is a small box here where is the greeting,
I will put "Must...
request...
wife...
permission...
to buy...
car."
If he gives you a green light, then we release this.
Give me the document.
No one told me whether I could buy a car or not.
You're a good kid, Bernie.
Thank you!
Thank you, thank you!
Thank you.
Thank you!
Welcome to the Comedy Basement.
And remember, when you are here, in the Comedy Basement,
there is only one place left to go,
and that's up!
My name is Freddy C.
I am your host and owner this beautiful establishment.
My first guest
is a newcomer, he is known in all areas,
we feel honored to have, women and men,
he is no longer driving for NASCAR,
Mr. Jeff Elliott!
Hi friends. How are you?
Good. I really started to feel my age.
I hurt myself sleeping.
Do you know that is something Can you do it?
I'm taking a nap.
I'm awake, my shoulder really hurts.
Don't leave for two weeks.
So I went to the doctor, they took some X rays.
Ah... it turns out I ripped my rotator cuff...
Aw.
... when I was taking a nap!
If you are familiar with this injury,
it is usually provided for professional athletes.
Specifically, baseball thrower
ripping their rotator cuffs a lot.
I know I'm good at sleeping.
Looks like I'm ready for the big league!
I will say this too, this baseball pitcher
ripping their rotator cuffs, they're done.
For a year, they don't play baseball.
I returned to bed sleeping that night.
My next guest is the most famous socks
all over the world!
Unlike his brother who never succeeded.
He is an existing sock left on the highway.
Ah...
Women and men, Ed the Sock!
Alright, shut up!
I don't believe in your sincerity.
Thank you very much for the introduction.
I like that beard, by the way. Very much Wesley Snipes.
And thank you for reference to my brother
who's out on the highway.
I have never heard anything like that before. Even though, of course, it's better
from "brother you jerked in as a teenager."
Friend! I'm a socks!
That's my ethnicity. I am not defined by it.
Let's pass the joke, okay?
Our next action...
We are happy to see this man when he comes
and collect our stage,
The Canadian... Glen Foster!
Alright, come on, come on...
We start. Oh thank you very much. It is very nice.
I hope I look fine. I, uh...
I have reached the age of where no matter what I wear,
I just got down looks like a retired police officer.
I see...
After all, I don't need more pressure in my life.
I live with my pre-teen daughter,
- Oh! - My pre-menopausal wife,
and... previously abused Australian female Shepherd.
Oh yeah!
There are a few days I walk through the door,
it's a bitch, bitch, bitch.
But the dog is cute, so...
I will give you another joke.
So this person is in his room. He is in the hospital.
And...
the doctor came to the room, and he said,
"Mr. Smith, I got good news,
and bad news."
So he said, "Give me the bad news first and then you can calm me down with the good news."
Goes, "Well, the bad news is
You have gangrene on both of your legs,
we will have to cut it."
"So, what is this? Good news?"
"Men in another room want to buy all your shoes."
Because they use the same... they use the same size.
And then?
Oh, is that it?
I have to check my message because you made me depressed.
OK? However.
That's a really good joke, sir. Very good. But I am...
- Looks like it doesn't. - I have never heard of it before.
I really want to learn your joke so I understand them.
If you have to learn jokes, is not funny.
Now our next action is known throughout the world
as your neighbor's child.
Women and men, please give up
for Jerry Caring!
Yes! What is happening here? What is going on?
Hey! Pasta fazool, how are you?
Hi, how are you? Glad to see you.
Hey! Faccia in polenta! How are you?
How are you, huh?
What is the crowd, what is the crowd!
- Do you feel good? - Yes!
Ay!
Faccia in polenta, how are you?
Anyway, um... The Godfather.
It's getting serious. He is in his office.
Something is happening.
So he called Rocco. "Rocco, enter here!
I have to ask a question."
"Yes, Godfather. Anything."
"What are five plus five?"
Rocco's answer, "Seven."
The foster father slaps his face.
"You are a good child. You are very smart.
Thank you. Go get Anthony. Send him here.
Stay outside."
Anthony comes in, is a little worried.
Godfather asks Anthony, "Anthony...
I will ask you a question. Give me a straight answer.
Are you ready?"
Anthony said, "Yes."
"What are five plus six?"
"Ah, that's easy. It's eleven."
Pulling the gun, bang!
Fall to the floor! No!
Rocco ran in, "Godfather! What happened?
What did you do?"
"He knows too much."
Oh!
This woman has been known to throughout the world
for his role in Growing Pains.
He also collected the cover,
and throughout America is known as a stunning Playmate
in Playboy magazine.
Women and men, please give to...
Julie McCollough!
How are you?
Thank you very much for having me here.
I've lived everywhere United States, all of you.
I used to live in North Carolina, West by God Virginia,
Florida, Louisiana, Missouri, Nevada,
Texas... Woo hoo for Texas!
California, and I was born in Hawaii. Woo hoo!
You can know I'm a Hawaiian, right?
Blonde hair, Southern accent... A dead gift, she's Hawaiian!
- siblings. - Whoo!
Ooh!
That means nothing at all.
Now, our next guest...
He can tell jokes, he's funny, he can sing, but please...
don't make him dance here now.
Women and men, Constantine Meglis!
Good night, ladies and gentlemen.
How are you?
I happened to be six feet nine.
Ooh!
It's not... high, it's like a tall monster.
OK?
Even when I was little.
My kindergarten picture...
I am five years old, is the same as other children.
I look like I'm a teacher.
Sir, you are too hard on your joke.
I'm sure people who understand they will find it funny.
I just don't understand them.
Good.
Will you give a show tonight?
Well, I...
I'm part of the show, because of this...
it's a group of comedians, it's like a procession,
and being broadcast on television on cable.
God! It sounds very impressive.
I wish I could attend.
But I have to drive my car.
Are you... excited, sir?
I won't say...
I'm happy, but...
I might, I would say, relief, because if I do good,
This is basically the break I was looking for.
If I do bad,
I will sell the car for the rest of my life.
God. That is so very important event, then.
Yes, you can say that. Yes.
I wish you the best luck, sir.
It's best Good luck?
It's best Good luck.
Well I am the best respect your wishes.
And I hope that is true for me and for my sake.
And congratulations on your car, which is a tiger...
uh, in heat.
I understand that joke, sir.
"Tiger in heat" do you think is funny?
Well, the tiger in the heat will be very funny.
Uh, dangerous, but I understand how you make it funny.
You... you are a good comedian.
Good.
Are there women here considering breast implants?
- No! - Yes!
Everyone here considers their woman must have a breast implant?
Hey, here it is, ladies.
If you are with a man who wants you
to get a breast implant, get rid of him!
The best breast enlargement sits closer!
Honest, breast enlargement that a man wants you to have,
just because he can't his penis is made bigger.
Oh!
I tried to take care of myself Because I'm a single man.
Trying to find out what women find interesting in a man.
I think I have several things. I don't know if you pay attention,
but my hand...
very beautiful.
I take good care of them.
I have been told the woman is seen in your hand
when they first met you.
They also saw your eyes, I've been told.
I have some sweet baby blues happens behind this safety goggles.
And I've heard the leg before, which I don't understand.
That sounds dirty.
Who saw a man's feet?
This is the size, right? They think you have big shoes,
You got...
... big panties, right?
I have size 11.
That's a little above average.
They are actually 11 in width.
Whoa!
I can barely get my beautiful hand around that object.
So, do you have... all your friends and family
come to see your appearance tonight?
Are you sure you will go the right way?
Faster, sir. Faster.
- Are you sure? - Very sure.
I don't know if my family comes.
I mean...
My mother and father are no longer here,
- unfortunately. - I'm very sorry, sir.
And I have a brother, and he's married.
And... that's us.
So hopefully he will...
My sister is coming tonight.
Come on, mom is waiting. Let's go say goodbye.
I can't leave. I... I can't do it.
Simon.
Let's go upstairs and say goodbye to mom.
I don't want to say goodbye.
You have to do it.
Hey.
You were not there when father died.
He is waiting for you.
Don't make the same mistake.
Why did you say that?
He wants to say goodbye to you.
I know you regret that.
Let's go, don't make the same mistake. Come on!
That's it, there. Let's go.
Can you give us a minute, please?
Simon? There is a line at the gate of heaven.
Why are you keeping me waiting, my son?
You've tried all your life to make people laugh.
And you always cry for yourself.
Why are you so sad, my son?
And what about your wife, sir?
Are you married?
- I'm not married, no. - Ah.
Have you ever been married?
Jerry, this is quite difficult to get along with yourself, especially with other people.
No, I...
never married.
That's sad.
A man must marry.
Why, to be miserable?
Hm... You haven't found the right woman, I guess.
Do they call you Jerry
Because you like Jerry Springer?
Who is that?
This is not important.
Do you know what? Everyone finds their own happiness, Jerry.
I'm happy at... in...
survival. I am doing fine. I am fine.
Yes I understand.
I am very happy with my Sharmila.
He is not with us anymore, but...
I still talk to him every day.
I have to take this, Jerry, okay?
Of course, sir.
Hello?
Si... What... What the hell is this what are you doing, Simon?
Do you know what? I don't know if I want to do this. ME...
I don't want to embarrass myself. ME...
This is... I think this is a big leap for me,
and I don't think I'm...
I don't think I want to do it.
What are you talking about?
I put my fucking ball on the phone for you.
But you said they wanted me,
why did you tell me is yours?
I don't understand.
Of course they want you!
But I still have to put it my fucking ball on the phone.
You know, credibility!
I'm the person who recommended you.
What's wrong with you? They want you!
Stop shouting in my damn ear.
Don't do this to me.
Don't do this for yourself.
Come here. What are you doing?
Good.
Sometimes I feel like I'm married to you, Sally.
Good. I will do it. We are on our way.
Damn it!
- Hey, Simon! - Hey Do you bring money?
- Of course I do. - Good.
So, tonight do you know what I'm thinking?
I want you to play which is dumb deaf.
I don't want to play which is dumb deaf.
You messed it up already
playing deaf.
Hey, Garry.
Hey, Simon, what happened?
Give me scotch with a few cubes, please.
Sure.
What do you want to drink?
Are you sure?
- Beer, for my friend. - Sure.
OK?
How are you?
I, ah... I speak sign language.
That's nothing that I recognize.
Do you know why?
Because we speak dialects.
Oh
Good.
This is my favorite restaurant in the whole world.
I like this place. Food is truly amazing.
Well, do you know why I came here?
Waiter. He is like a father to me. Push up!
Buddy, we are ready.
Your favorite wine, Simon?
Right.
This is my favorite restaurant, I...
I come here all the time and I like servants.
She's like... father to me.
Push up?
This is my favorite restaurant in the whole world.
I like this place.
And... that waiter
like a father to me. Push up!
We are ready, friend.
Your favorite wine, Simon?
- Miss? - Please.
Thank you.
- Madam? - Please.
Pinello!
You spoil me, Simon.
- Miss? - Yes, please.
Do you mind if I order for us?
Ah... no. Thank you.
We won't need it menu. I know exactly...
- Do you mind if I order for us? - Not all.
- Do you mind if I order? - Not.
We will have filet mignon,
lobster tail,
and I want it to make angel hair...
like they did for me, all puttanesca.
Please? Thank you.
So we will have filet mignon,
with lobster.
We will have angel hair paste all puttanesca.
OK? Thank you.
We will have filet mignon,
lobster tail,
and can you make angel hair all puttanesca, please?
- Of course. - Thank you.
- Cheerful. - Cheerful.
Thank you for coming out tonight.
Thank you for having me.
Is it okay? I got to make a speed dial outside.
- I'll be right back. - No problem.
I will make a quick call. Can I?
Not all of them. Use your time.
I have to make a quick call, if you don't mind.
- Is that okay with you? - Mm-hm.
- Sure. - Back soon.
Everything okay?
- Amazing. - Good.
Give me a minute.
I'll be back soon.
Come back soon.
Is everything okay?
Everything is amazing, but... Jack, where is Simon?
He is on the phone. It's been a long time...
Is everything okay?
Yes, amazing...
Is everything okay?
Mm, good, thank you.
Where is Simon?
Will he come back?
No
Motherfucker!
You jerk!
I will scratch it his eyes come out
next time I see it!
Simon, are you okay?
Yes I'm good. Listening to...
First of all, thank you for the way you care for me,
I appreciate it.
Anything for you. It's okay, Simon.
That last girl, I think her name is Margaret...
Yes.
How does he do it pay bills?
Good...
When he saw the bill, he began to laugh.
Good...
Leave here. He starts laughing?
Yes, he laughed.
Did he call me name?
No.
Very?
Ok, thank you, friend.
I appreciate it. I will see you soon.
- OK? - It is okay. Whatever, Simon.
Hello?
Um... Margaret?
That's Simon.
Wow, ah...
I'm surprised.
I honestly don't think I will hear from you again.
I'm really... I'm sorry I have to go, something...
come and I can't get out , and I'm sorry.
Ah-ha.
I want to make it up for you, if possible.
Can I take you out again?
You... do you want me to buy you dinner again?
No no. I want to redeem it to you, and I get...
I got big things happened tonight,
I appeared on The Comedy Basement.
Being aired on television.
And if you come... If you can make it tonight,
I appreciate it, and I will make it up for you.
Ah...
Let me think about it.
Good.
Sorry about that, really.
I'm sorry about that, I will make it up for you. Well?
- It's okay. - Try to make it tonight.
- OK. - Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
My father is a coal miner on the hill
from the West by God Virginia.
So I'm a daughter of a coal miner.
He is a marine,
he's in the United States Marine Corps, so oorah!
- Yes! - Oorah!
My mother, she works in a church in Durham, North Carolina.
So naturally, I'm a Playboy Playmate.
Right, I'm Miss February...
Whoo!
... 1986.
I hate saying that year,
This is a dead giveaway.
I'm old... erish.
I am 33 years old in the Playmate year! Whoo hoo!
Everyone here likes to send photos of their penis to prospective date?
Good, I'm glad nobody's clapping.
Because I know most of you are liars,
but at least you have common sense
don't recognize it in the crowd.
Not sure why a man will send a penis to a woman.
Is that what they expected later during dating
they can't be imitated?
Like, "Wait a minute, I've seen your penis,
and it's not your penis!"
I just don't understand it.
Women are not suitable for men for the penis.
Am I right, woman?
When you know the size of a man's penis,
You are committed.
There is a woman who has seen it on the penis and said,
"Sorry, I'm out of here?"
I imagine that will happen
not because it's too small, but because it's too big.
Ooh!
Ladies, do you like them very big?
Hey, I don't understand that.
I think the idea of sex is that it is intimacy.
Why do you want to have sex with a man
who is in another room?
Is everything okay, sir?
It's okay, I guess.
You seem to be very drunk with that phone call.
Sorry?
Sorry, calm, sad.
For a comedian,
that doesn't sound good, I don't think.
I'm not sad. I just...
I think I'm just...
got a lot of things that happened on my mind Because I appear and there is a lot of pressure,
& apos; Causing five minutes for a comedian is eternity.
Hmm... I understand.
But are you ready for for five minutes?
Am I ready?
Has anyone been prepared in life?
I don't know. We will see later.
I mean, everything is time.
Sometimes when you're on stage your time is bang-on, and...
You are in rhythm audience and crowd,
and sometimes when you are not active,
and you die slowly.
Hmm Well, I have believe in you, sir.
What kind of faith are you talking about?
In my country...
there are only a few reasons for faith.
In this country,
You have every reason for faith.
I have faith.
Do you have faith?
I have a feeling about you, sir.
But you don't even know who I am, or who I am.
You know there are two types of people in the world, right?
What do you mean, two types of people?
There is a good soul,
and there are bastards.
How do you know I'm a good soul and not a bastard?
Faith, sir. Faith.
The dog is cute. Roxy, that's the name.
We have a little compromise with that dog.
I want to get a male dog so we have two castrated men in the family.
What happened was I took my daughter to see the puppies,
and he fell in love with a woman,
and he named the Roxy,
because he had never been to a strip club before.
I know, is the name of a stripper!
If you are a man, there is a list of names in your head and they don't in your head all cute,
not like, "Roxy!"
It's like, "Roxay!"
"Come to the dog park
now, gentlemen, it's Roxay!"
I know, I feel creepy just calling this dog.
I say, "Roxy! Here is the girl..."
"Who wants big bones?
Hah? Who wants?"
Why are you so happy?
Look around you, sir.
And?
This is heaven.
Is this heaven for you?
Very much so.
Good. Do you know what?
I will take it consider...
tonight.
And hopefully giving me a big break.
Hopefully.
Have faith, sir.
Do you have faith in life?
I'm grateful every morning.
For what?
For who I am.
For me... happiness, for my children.
Because of life.
Good. Good.
My father always plans for the future.
But the future is short-lived for him.
What will you do?
I do a number of TV shows you might know,
I'm in Growing Pains, I'm on The Drew Carey Show,
I play Peaches, the neighbor of the village.
I'm in The Golden Girls,
I am them neighboring neighbor. Mary.
Um, I did Beverly Hills 90210,
I did nine covers Playboy magazine
all over the world, whoo hoo!
Thank you very much.
I want everyone to know which I thought I was.
Because what I really is just a small city,
wear blue jean, riding four wheels,
hamlet people talk, listen to country music,
sit like a truck, give a blowjob,
loving blue-collar boy gal type.
Most people are here,
when a Playboy Playmate speaks,
it's "wah wah wah, wah wah wah, give blowjob,
wah wah wah wah."
I'm sorry that he's not here for...
present tonight.
Me too.
He is my biggest fan.
And he accompanied me when I was ridiculed.
But he is here.
You have to forgive me, Jerry, because it's a little cynical.
I really, really, don't want to offend
what you believe in, in... your culture and religion,
but I don't believe in that nonsense.
My father has faith,
so is my mother, and they both left.
Do they have a good life? Are they happy?
Yes, they are.
Well, I never saw it My father is on his deathbed,
because I don't have the guts.
I don't have the guts.
But my mom, huh. I was there when...
he has the last breath of his life before they delete...
the battery from it.
Yes, he is happy.
You are there for your mother.
That is a tremendous blessing.
I agree.
I do it, Jerry, I agree. I'm happy I can say goodbye to him.
And I'm disappointed in myself, honest with you,
that I did not get the chance to say goodbye to my father,
because I'm a coward.
And the whole theory is about,
You know, how about black people Everything should be hung properly?
You think about the damage it's for black men
which is hung on average?
Just think about how they have to take a walk
knowing that one day they will show their penis
and it won't happen 12 inches soft.
And just think about how bad they will feel compared to to people in porn.
Because that's the only place The penis is actually very big.
Oh, there is a woman here Who doubts that?
The man sitting next to him beamed.
- Yes - Where is your hand?
Why under the table?
Let us not be sad, You are a funny man.
You will be performing tonight.
You are a very funny man. I know it!
Are you from Jerry Seinfeld?
Who?
No problem.
I give you two jokes and you don't laugh.
I don't understand that.
Try another one.
Well...
But thank you, Jerry,
I really appreciate that, actually.
I don't want to take Uber, because, I told my brother
"They all smell like curry."
- Hm? - But your car smells new.
Because it's new!
Next week, if I pick you up, it smells like curry, but...
That's funny.
At least you're honest... You're a good man, Jerry!
Thank you, sir.
Are we close?
Three and a half minutes, sir.
Three and a half minutes.
Because I am a playmate,
everyone just thinks I know everything about sex.
Sex, sex, sex... Noah-uh!
I will get married,
I don't even know how to give... blowjob!
And, um, then...
I can't have sex talks with my mother,
Because he works in the church and it's not comfortable.
So I went to Ms. Mary, Secretary Hugh Hefner.
Has anyone watched The Girls Next Door show?
- Do you know the show? - Yes!
Okay, you know who Mrs. Mary?
False. Mary was in her 70s when she gave me sex talk.
And this is what he said.
He said: "Honey, You really know that & apos; blows & apos;
only expressions, right?
It must be called" suck it "."
I did it very well.
I have these good eyes, size of feet that is worth it,
and this is beautiful, beautiful hands.
Whoo!
What they don't say to me is that if you lose your hair,
there are no other bad things.
I recently started to shave my head.
I think as an act of giving up in the name of my hair, really.
That's obviously losing war to my forehead
for my face dominance.
That hair makes a great fight.
But the force continues to retreat,
and backwards, and backwards...
Yes.
And then some of my foreheads flank them from behind.
Are there other famous comedians
like yourself tonight?
Um, you know what, I'm really bad with names,
but yes, it's very...
People are far more talented than me, people are very famous.
I'm not famous at all, no one knows me.
Oh, then this sounds like
good opportunity for you.
Yes, and I'm actually...
quite surprised, and trying to understand why do I have this opportunity, because...
I think I'm rather...
Being a little honest with myself,
I don't believe I have the right to get this opportunity
because I've been very lazy.
Opportunities not come to those who deserve,
the same as bad things happen for those who are inappropriate.
You only have to accept it, and not judge it.
So you mean going with the flow?
Well, thank for that opportunity.
And kill!
"Killing?"
Isn't that what they say?
Yes, is true.
I will do my best, Jerry, I will do my best.
By the way, have you ever noticed
that there are lots of jokes you can't say anymore?
Things become very sensitive, there are jokes that you can't tell.
Which one, okay, I understand, we are far more enlightened now.
But what we will do
with all the great Newfie people and Polish jokes?
Who is the target now?
So, come on the idea of the submarine
with screen door, it's funny!
The idea of mission to the sun who landed at night?
That's funny!
But now we can't install it for any ethnic group.
What group can we still make fun of?
I think there is one group we can still make fun of
that everyone hates.
Parents.
Am I wrong? Everyone hates parents.
And let's face it, parents are your age plus 40.
I started losing my hair when I was 19 years old.
- Ooh! - Yes, it seems unfair at all.
I left one day I had to use a fake ID to enter the bar,
The next day I got a senior discount at Denny & sos;
We are almost there, Mr. Simon.
Are you practicing?
I never practiced.
Never?
Never.
Then you have to Be perfect.
I am far from being perfect.
Maybe that's why I don't practice.
I have to practice everything I do
because I want to be perfect.
Maybe that what should I do.
Mr. Simon, remember what you said:
there are two types of people, good souls and bastards.
You are a good soul.
do you think?
- I know. - Do you really think?
I have faith.
Thank you, Jerry.
That means a lot to me, I appreciate it.
Maybe that's what I need.
I need a little confidence.
Actually, I've done it many shows on cruise ships,
but the market is dry type now.
I see...
My favorite Cruise ship recently...
That's the Italian that goes up to its side.
Aw!
The captain, "Cap & apos; n Crunch"
because I like to call him, do you know what he did?
Basically he tried to wave to a friend on the ground,
and basically he does it, like, maritime equivalent
buzzing tower on a small plane, huh?
And he got out of the boat, this person, he got out of the ship,
before the passengers, before the crew.
Right? And the reason!
"Oh, it's dark!
Dark, I fell in the lifeboat.
This starts to row by itself, I don't know how to control it.
I know how to work big ships,
these little children are a mystery to me. "
" Oh, I just tried it, I'm testing a lifeboat
to ensure it is safe for other passengers. "
And I say, the good thing is happening in Italy.
Right? Off the coast of Italy.
Because somewhere else In the world,
" I don't speak English!
The boat goes boom boom, it sinks! I don't know what happened!
I'm just a man standing here, the ship sank there!
Don't look at me, I'm standing here all day taking care of my own business, the boat sank there.
Someone help those people! Ahh!
Who wears this uniform for me?
This is not my uniform!
I overslept, a man put a hat on my head... "
We are almost there, sir. I am very happy for you.
I think of me too, now.
Thank you, Jerry.
Respecting it. At home, sir. Life is a series of moments.
And hopefully we will meet again.
We may not, but if we do,
then that will happen friendship sign.
And... another moment.
You are very philosophical, there, Jerry. But... do you know what?
If I see you again, it will...
my honor and my pleasure to call you my friend.
You see? I'm grateful.
You know Jerry, ironically, I'm thankful.
And I always are ungrateful.
And I just realized something...
That I am very grateful for many great things in my life
to many great people.
Thank you for that, Jerry.
There are no fees, sir.
Free.
We're friends now.
You need sugar.
Give me a hug of luck!
Fuck, are you waiting there?
What's wrong with you? I thought you were dead!
- What do you mean, "die"? - That you did not come.
I told you.
I know. Wait, listen, You will be last.
I don't want to go last, that's a lot of pressure.
I know, but this is the best place.
You will be phenomenal. You will be last.
- That's Joseph Rogers. - Yes, no...
- Let me ask him. - Look, Simon, Simon...
Excuse me, Joseph?
Mr. Rogers.
Mr. Rogers, can I ask you a question ? Please?
What?
You have written a column
for a long time like I did this,
why haven't you written is there anything about me?
Because I only write about comedians.
I got some beauty tips for girls.
Listen, instead of getting Botox on your forehead like all pinup gals do,
um, I recommend bangs.
Much cheaper and far less painful.
- Do you know me? - I know who you are.
That means a lot to me. Thank you, appreciate it.
Don't worry about that now. You have a great show tonight.
Thank you, Mr. Marino.
- Kill them. - Thank you.
I'm not a sock, I'm not anyone's doll,
You don't either.
Thank you!
Aww! My time is up!
Surrender to Julie McCollough, everyone!
Thank you very much! Thank you for picking me up!
Thank you very much for women and men.
Good night.
Give it to him!
- How big a crowd! - I love you!
Enjoy. Thank you. Thank you, thank you very much.
Thank you very much, sleeping soundly.
Women and men,
this man, once he retired
from quarterbacking Miami Dolphins
decided to become a comedian,
please welcome very much, is very funny Mike Marino!
Come on, guys, make a sound!
Let's go!
Thank you, appreciate it.
Hi everyone, once again
for all of these great entertainers.
Come on, aren't they fantastic?
Thank you very much for letting me come.
Fantastic, I am very happy to be here.
My name is Mike Marino, I'm Italian,
I am from a small place in Italy called New Jersey.
Yes, make sure you laugh at what I say,
I'm not even a comedian, this is community service.
I like being Italian.
Growing up, a lot people never believed
I came from an Italian family
Because I have light skin and have blue eyes.
Tells you people in this room now, Italy is full of blood,
my parents were born in Italy. And I can prove it.
I am 55 years old,
and I still live at home with my ma.
Don't worry about that, I see it on your face.
You will have a good set, Don't worry about that.
- OK? - Thank you.
Catch them! Good luck!
We think we need to be involved Italian
in more things in this world, we won't have it
half the problem we have, right?
- Yes! - Think about that.
I don't like what the president is doing in the US
We need something good, _ President of Italy
from New Jersey to take over.
- Yes! - I will be a great president.
I ran for one and a half years,
I should be there, I will be perfect.
"Make American Italian Again," That's the slogan.
That's right.
I have great ideas.
I don't even need four years.
Three months, straighten throughout the country.
Finish, perfect.
They will ask me a question,
like how I ended the war abroad.
"Hey, Mr. President, you are careful
the problem is in North Korea, can you tell us what you did?"
I will be on national television dress up in a three-piece suit,
but I have a Cabinet behind me, Do you know my Cabinet?
Anthony, Nicky, Joey, Sally, Tony...
Like, "Mr. President, what happened?"
I will be like, "Oh, do you mean out there in North Korea,
with that man and thing?
Now, this is what happened. We went there to talk to him, and then, uh...
I don't know what happened. "
Yes.
"But he's gone now.
And it's nothing You can do it."
I always want to be on television during the debate.
Because if you remember during the debate,
they make fun of each other on national television,
and you don't do that.
That shows weakness abroad.
Imagine they made fun of a guy like me.
Then the Master of Ceremony looked at me and said,
"Mr. Marino, Clinton and Trump are just making fun of you
on national television. Do you want rebuttal?"
I will say, "Yes I want!
Go to the advertisement break."
Then we come back from rest,
You can't find it one of them anywhere.
Ooh!
Then they looked at me and left, "What happened?"
I am like, "Ah... I don't know what happened."
"But they have left now,
and there is nothing You can do it."
Come on, everybody.
It's okay.
We know what you want to be a comedian.
And you are talented. You're funny.
You are a funny guy, You will be performing tonight.
You are a very funny man. I know it!
Friends, I actually just returned from doing a USO comedy tour.
I go to Afghanistan, Baghdad, Kuwait.
I went to entertain forces.
Right?
Now, if you remember,
when we first went out fighting out there,
France doesn't want to help America.
Do you remember that?
France doesn't want to help America.
So I tell the troops if I run the country
and France doesn't want to help America,
I will cut off his head Liberti statue
and send it back to France as a warning.
People, don't make me describe a picture for you.
Imagine the French ambassador
see the head Statue of Liberty
come float back on the boat.
Ok, but there are no body parts,
just head all screwed with ice in the eyes.
It sends a message.
Oh!
Come on, do you want to talk about discrimination?
Whenever an Italian is present on television or film,
what do they make us play?
- Mob. - Mafia, right?
That's discrimination against Italians.
And all I want to play is the mafia boss in the mafia film
and I've been in two of them, and in both
I am an Irish police officer in the first 60 seconds.
Get Italians on some better programs.
You know, more types of education
for children.
- Yes - Yes
Do you remember the movie Sixth sense?
- Yes! - Yes!
That would be a good place for an Italian actor.
Because of that the little boy is already considered a rat.
Think about that, he will leave, "I see dead people!"
Guy woulda said, "Shut your mouth.
You don't see anyone.
We buried them well.
The next dead person you will see will be you.
Now go find yourself. "
Ohh!
And of course you people know most of the craziest experiments out of California. Isn't that right, friend?
You see the trial coming out of California:
O.J. Simpson, Laci Peterson, Robert Blake...
In fact the whole trial is Michael Jackson for me like shows in California.
Because I always say people there
if they ever kill anyone from New York or New Jersey,
that bullshit never will get to court.
Ooh!
Come on, don't make me paint pictures for you here.
Imagine if O.J. Simpson was killed someone from an Italian family.
The judge will ask one-time family,
"Does the family want to file a claim?"
The family woulda go, "Ha ha ha...
No.
Let him go."
Yes, "We forgive him.
Better yet, judge, We will take him home from here.
Vinny! Get the bat, O.J. will come."
That's my time, you have become a big crowd.
I'm Mike Marino.
Thank you very much, friends.
- Thank you friend. - Appreciate that.
Mike Marino, everyone!
Mike Marino!
Mike Marino, women and men.
The man goes to various places. Is he funny or what?
Yes!
Alright, now...
Now I have to tell you this last guest
warms my heart, that I have a chance
to be on this stage in my own place
and do this introduction.
Women and men, in their Basement debut,
my personal friend Simon McCabe.
Give that to Simon!
Simon!
Thank you very much, You are very kind.
So, ladies and gentlemen, if you win the lottery,
or you make a lot of money,
what's the first you gonna do?
You will buy a car.
A good car if you are a man, right?
So this penguin won a million dollars...
... and he bought 2018 brand new Camaro.
Beautiful, very beautiful.
He likes this car.
So he drives on the highway,
and he heard a knock on the machine.
Around 11:55 in the morning
So he goes to the GM dealer, which is directly from the highway.
And he went, "Listen...
... there's a knock on the fucking machine. I like this car. I like it, it's my first serious car."
So the service advisor says,
"Look, it's 11:55, this is a union shop,
everyone goes to lunch twelve o'clock.
There is a Dairy Queen on the opposite side of the road, go there.
Get your own ice cream. After lunch we will see it. "
Penguins say," Okay. "
Passing, one o'clock he shuffles again,
he has this triple-decker vanilla ice cream.
Go to that guy,
" You got the chance to see my car? "
Goes," Yes, it looks like you blew a seal. "
He left," Fuck you! Everything I did licking ice cream. "
Thank you. You are very good. Become a friend of mine...
Everyone is a dog? You like dogs?
- Yes! - Yes.
You can know a lot about a human
if they are male dogs.
But some people carry over,
everyone thinks Their dog is the smartest.
They post it on Facebook...
But this guy brought his dog everywhere.
So he is in the bar and his friend is gone,
"You know, that's a little weird
You go everywhere with your dog."
He left, "My dog is a fucking genius.
My dog can do anything."
The man said, "Really?" Guy goes, "Look at this. Rover, come here. Get me a gin and tonic."
"Good." The dog goes to the bar...
He left, "What do you drink?"
"Very dry martinis, dirty, with one olive."
"Rover, dry martini, dirty with one olive."
"Good."
So, the man said, "Big fuck. Your dog knows how to make drinks."
He said, "My dog is a genius, . He can do anything."
He left, "Let's test him.
I will give him 20 dollars,
tell him to get me Marlborough small. Regular. And bring me back change right."
"Rover, 20 dollars,
Marlborough is small, organized.
Bring back the changes."
"Good". Leaves dog.
Fifteen minutes, twenty minutes passed,
man goes, "Do you know what? Your dog is fucked,
he's stupid, he's just a dog, and I lost 20 dollars."
He left, "Impossible. Something's wrong.
My dog won't do this."
So they went looking for it all over the place.
Finally arrived at the park...
"Rover, Rover!" They see and there is a Rover banging hell from this French poodle.
So, the man touches it behind,
"Rover, you never did it this before."
"I have never had money."
Thank you.
Simon McCabe!
I just sold my first car
and I'm really dirty urinating from this person.
And cut. Keep rolling.
Do it again.
-You are angry...
- I'm very angry directly from him.
- Do you understand? - Can you do something else?
No.
I don't believe that nonsense. You must make rights here.
Yes, but this goes north. I want to go south.
Yes, so we can't go south this way,
I'm screwed up.
Why do we talk?
What happened here?
Don't you say "action"?
Yes.
Keep the damn thing over there, brother.
I love you. I don't want...
This is not a Canadian film where we will be eliminated with a damn explosion.
I haven't slept, friends.
How can I work without sleeping, friend?
Who can remember all this?
Action! Actions.
Start again.
Do it again, do it again. Wait a minute.
- I want it to be liquid, ok? - Well.
Actions.
See this here?
You know I love you, right?
But every time you do this, it becomes lower and lower.
Are you trying to kill me?
Your favorite wine, Simon?
Please.
Damn it. Do it again.
I will not see it, but he will see it.
I need a menu, and I need two more.
Get out of my shot, people.
Hey Ed, I can hear you.
Ed, I can hear you.
What happened, bro?
Sun my tanning ball.
The world they live in.