- 7:45 on this beautiful, almost balmy 22nd of September in Schenectady.
And it's the first day of fall.
So in honor of that fact, we have Elke Putzkammer...
...professor of literature at Union college...
...to talk about autumn in poetry and literature.
- Good morning, professor. - Hi, Alex.
So, what about it? Why do so many people write about the fall?
Well, I think it's seen as the beginning of the end, really.
If the year is a life, then September, the beginning of fall...
...is when the bloom is off the rose and things start to die.
It's a melancholy month and maybe because of that, quite beautiful.
Is there something you might read to us?
Oh, I'd love to.
Whoever has no house now Will never have one.
Whoever is alone will stay alone
Will sit, read, write long letters Through the evening
And wander the boulevards Up and down, restlessly
While the dry leaves are blowing
Goodness, that harsh, isn't it?
Well, perhaps. But truthful.
Mommy, done.
Okay.
- Good morning. - Good morning.
- I tried not to wake you. - Well, thanks.
You didn't. I just... You know, I couldn't get up.
- Caden, can you get that? - It's Maria, I don't want to.
- Caden... Oh, that's weird. - Hey, it's me. How are you?
Mommy, is something wrong with my poop?
No, honey, it's just green. You probably ate something green.
I didn't. What's wrong with me?
I have to get that, Olive. You're gonna be fine, okay?
- But, Mommy... - Yeah, I'll be right back, Olive.
Oh, nothing. Just wiping Olive's ass. You?
- An earthquake in Kashmir... - Oh, you're kidding. Holy fuck.
...has killed an estimated 73,000... - I don't feel well.
Oh, my goodness.
- March in Washington, D.c., today, October 15th.
- Harold Pinter died. - Well, he's old, right?
- No, wait. He won the Nobel Prize. - Mom.
- What, honey? - Do you need to look at my poop?
- You sure it's all right? - It's fine, Olive. Just flush.
What if it's alive? What if I kill it?
- It's green like plants. - It's not alive, honey.
Remember the production of The Dumb Waiter I did at Albanyfest?
Have your oatmeal, honey.
- I want peanut butter and jelly. - You said oatmeal.
- This isn't a restaurant. - I don't want oatmeal.
- Okay. Fine. - Mommy, I'm sorry.
They found avian flu in Turkey. In the country Turkey, not turkeys.
- Can I watch TV till school? - In some chickens. Yeah.
There is a secret something at play under the surface...
...growing like an invisible virus of thought.
But you're being changed by it...
- Milk's expired. - Okay.
Jesus.
- You better eat this. - I will.
Yeah.
How did I guess you'd ask me that question?
Happy Halloween, Schenectady.
And how long have you been in New York for?
The first black graduate of the University of Alabama died.
Vivian Malone Jones.
Stroke, 63.
Fuck!
God! Somebody! Adele, help!
- Jesus, Caden, what the fuck? - I was shaving and the thing flew off!
Oh, my God! Jesus, look at your head.
Oh, shit.
Oh, God, I can't turn it.
Oh, wait.
- Mommy, Daddy has blood. - Yeah.
- Will there be a scar? - Probably. It looks like a mud flap.
- I prefer there not to be a scar. - Yeah.
That fellow is annoying.
He's in here every week, like clockwork.
There. I think that should... Let's see.
- What? - Change in bowel movements?
It's a little more yellow than usual. Why?
Yeah, I'd like you to see an ophthalmologist.
- A neurologist? - What? No.
An ophthalmologist. I said, ophthalmologist.
Do you hear that?
Yeah.
And today is Tuesday. Mommy, is today Tuesday?
No, honey, today is Friday. So, what exactly did he say?
That my pupils weren't properly opening and closing.
Dilating.
- No. - Yeah.
- I don't think that's what he said. - Yes.
- That's not what he said. - Is it the bump to your head?
He doesn't know. Maybe.
He said he doesn't think so, but maybe. But he doesn't know.
- But maybe. Who knows? - Okay, Jesus, Caden, I got it.
- He doesn't know... - Sorry. I'm a little anxious.
- Did you have to get a shot, Daddy? - No, honey.
- It's the start of something awful. - Do I have to get a shot?
- Course not. - Did you tell him I have green poo?
- It's fucked timing. - Call the plumber. Hey.
Sorry. I have rehearsal. Fuck.
- Hey, come on. - Sorry, sorry, sorry. Everybody, sorry.
How many years until I have to get more shots?
- Not for a really long time, babe. - A million years?
- Remember what Dr. Woodman said... - Dad, what's a plumber?
- He's a man... - Or a woman, Dad.
Right. He's a man or a woman who fixes sinks and toilets and...
- Do you know what pipes are? - No.
- Hey, Jim. I had an accident. - Like to smoke out of?
A different kind of pipe, honey. All right, bye.
Houses have pipes, and they're made of...
They're like tubes, and they're behind the walls...
...and they're under the floors and everywhere.
- And... - What's the matter?
- Every single where? - It's okay, honey.
They just carry water to and from sinks and toilets.
- It's like in your body. You have veins. - Capillaries.
Capillaries filled with blood.
I have blood? I don't want blood. I don't want blood.
- What are you doing? - Trying to explain plumbing.
- Stop. - I can't do this now.
- Don't worry, you don't have blood. - Don't tell her she doesn't have blood.
- Caden, stop it. - I don't want blood.
Thanks for getting me in right away.
- Was it the bump to the head? - No.
Could be, but I think we need to get you to a neurologist.
- Neurologist? - It's a brain expert.
I know what a neurologist is.
- I thought from the way you asked... - I just thought you said "urologist."
- Why do I need to see a neurologist? - Just for a look-see.
The eyes are part of the brain, after all.
No, that's not true, is it?
- Why would I say it if it weren't true? - It doesn't seem right.
Like morally correct, or "right" as in accurate?
I don't know. Accurate, I guess?
Interesting.
Now, when you kick off, boy, I want a 70-yard boot.
And get right down the field under the ball.
And when you hit, hit low and hit hard, because it's important, boy.
There's all kinds of important people in the stands.
And the first thing you know... Ben?
Ben, where do I?
- Ben, how do I? - Willy, you coming up?
Willy?
Willy, answer me.
Willy! No!
- Oh, Jesus, come on. - Oh, crap.
Claire, are you okay? What's happening here?
It's too late in the game to have these problems.
- I know, Caden. I'm sorry. We'll get it. - Oh, my God.
- You okay? - Yeah, I think the wig saved my life.
- Yeah. - It's okay, honestly.
That was good, Tom.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I was trying something different. I was crashing differently.
- Ambivalently. - Yeah, I saw that. I liked it.
Try to keep in mind that a young person playing Willy Loman...
...thinks he's only pretending to be at the end of a life full of despair.
But the tragedy is that we know that you, the young actor...
...will end up in this very place of desolation.
Okay.
That's great.
- Let's try it again. How long, David? - I think 15.
Anything?
So now what?
- Hey. - Hey.
- In search of the elusive signal. - The signal's good here, oddly.
- That is odd. - I know. Cell phones, they're crazy.
- See you in a few. - Yep.
Yeah, Dr. Heshborg said I should see a Dr. Scoriano.
My pupils don't work.
I think I have blood in my stool.
That stool in your office?
- When I was pregnant with Olive. - What was it like?
I don't know. Hopeful or something. Like something was gonna change.
- Yeah, something did. No? - Yeah.
- Yeah, of course. - I mean, bigtime.
I mean, maybe not as much as I'd hoped.
I'm sorry. That's a terrible thing to say.
There are no terrible things to say in here, only true and false.
- Can I say something awful? - Yes, please do.
I've fantasized about Caden dying.
Being able to start again, guilt-free.
I know that's... That's bad.
- Caden, does that feel terrible? - Yeah.
Okay, good.
It's a nightmare in there.
I'm sorry.
So, I'm reading The Trial.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- You like? - Love.
I'm such an idiot for not knowing about this book.
- It's famous, as it turns out. - Yeah.
You're not an idiot.
Then you say:
"In fact, Hazel, you're very bright, and I love your eyes."
- In fact, Hazel, you're very bright. - Oh, am I?
- And I love your eyes. - Do you? Oh, you're a darling.
Then what do I say?
- I can't say what then you say. - Why?
Because it's dirty.
Could you step out for a second?
Go ahead. I've seen boy parts.
- Can I take a piss in your sink? - Yeah, sure. I guess.
We're sold out.
Great.
Gorgeous.
Thanks.
- How was rehearsal? - Awful.
We have 560 lighting cues.
- I don't why I make it so complicated. - Because that's what you do.
Yeah.
We got through it though. That's really pretty.
Caden, I'm sorry, I...
I can't come tonight. I'm sorry.
I have two canvasses I have to get ready to ship for tomorrow.
- I know it sucks... - It's opening night.
I know. I wish I could come. I would if I could.
- I've gotta get ready. - Tomorrow...
I have to get ready. I don't know what I'm gonna wear.
I have to figure out what I'm gonna wear.
Hey.
- Oh, boy, oh boy. - Willy?
It's all right, I came back.
I hated myself tonight.
- Plus, I'm so... Excuse me. - Hey, Tom.
I'm so bloated and enormous.
No, you look good. You were great. I was very pleased.
- You okay? - Sorry. A little bit of a headache.
Willy Loman.
I just wanted to say thank you for everything.
You've been absolutely brilliant.
It's gonna be miserable going ahead without you.
- I'll be around. I'll check in. - I'm such a baby.
Okay. I'm gonna go get drunk, that's what.
Okay. Claire. Sweetheart.
- Good. Good job. - Oh, don't worry, I'll get better.
- Good work. - Don't worry, it'll get better.
Hey. I figured I'd better get in fast.
- Hey, you wanna sit? - Yeah, yeah.
- Where's el wife-o? - Had to work.
Her show in Berlin is in two weeks.
We're gonna go there for like a month.
- Why do I like you so much? - I couldn't begin to guess.
Me neither.
Do you get high, my friend?
You know, sometimes.
Do you want to now? With me, in my car?
I get kind of...
...something when I'm stoned.
What does "something" mean?
You know...
...bothered.
- What does "bothered" mean? - You know.
Bothered. Horny.
And me with a station wagon and all. Could be dangerous.
- Yeah, could be. - You're absolutely zero fun.
When are the reviews gonna get here?
Don't know.
His best friends finger two babies...
One this big, one this big. - And two kittens.
- Hey. - Hi, Caden. How'd it go?
- Hi. - Hi.
It's late.
Maria came over to keep me company because...
And we just lost track. I got everything done.
But I'm sorry I missed your play. I'm sorry. But how'd it go?
Great. We're a hit.
Reviews are great.
Times said it was brilliant casting young people as Willy and Linda.
- That's great, Caden. Good for you. - Great.
I can't wait to see it tomorrow. That's... Tonight.
That's great.
Wow, it's really late... Early.
Early.
It's late. Hey, I would love to see it too.
- Can we get Maria a ticket? - You're stoned.
I mean, a little. It's, you know... I don't know.
But are you happy with it?
Yeah. Yeah, I'd love for you to see... To know what you think.
It doesn't matter what I think.
Absolutely. It's all about your artistic satisfaction, Caden.
- Congratulations. - Yeah.
- I've always loved this house. - Yes, it's a wonderful place.
The truth is, I never really imagined I could afford it.
Well, the sellers are very motivated now.
It's a scary decision. I never thought I'd buy a house alone.
But, you know, I'm 36, and I wonder what it is I'm waiting for.
- Home buying is always scary. - And with the fire and all especially.
Well, it's a good size though, 2200 square feet...
...not including the partially finished basement.
Oh, I don't know.
- I'm thinking I should go. - It's a perfect size for someone alone.
I like it, I do. I'm just really concerned about dying in the fire.
It's a big decision how one prefers to die.
Would you like to meet my son? Derek.
Derek's living in the basement since his divorce, if that's okay.
Hey, Mom.
- Let's go, Ma. - I want just a minute.
I never...
Forgive me, dear. I can't cry.
I don't know what it is, but I can't cry.
It seems to me that you're just on another trip.
I keep expecting you. Why did you do it?
I search and I search and I can't understand it.
I made the last payment on the house today.
We're free and clear. We're free. We're free.
- Well done. - Bravo.
- Well done. It was very successful. - I thought it was wonderful.
Why did the older people look so young?
It was a choice, Dad. I'll explain later.
I can't get excited about your restaging someone else's old play, it just...
There's nothing personal in it.
People are coming out of the theater crying.
Great. Be a fucking tool of suburban, blue-haired...
...regional-theater subscribers.
- You didn't you think it was long? - No.
But what are you leaving behind?
You act as if you have forever to figure it out.
When you're dead, there's no time. The world is...
I don't know. I slept maybe three hours.
So we're both tired.
No, I cuddled with Olive all night. It was great.
Morning. Morning.
- Morning, Caden. - I think I might have arthritis.
Friends on fire.
I'm going to.
No, I know exactly. Okay, I will. I'll call you later.
I know. You're right. Bye.
My joints are stiff.
Who was that?
- Maria. - Right.
Three hours since you spoke.
Caden, I think I wanna go to Berlin with just Olive.
- I think it would be good for us. - Oh, Christ.
Morning, kiddos.
Why don't you want me to go?
You know, I think it would be a good thing for the two of us to do alone.
How do you think I'm supposed to respond to something like that?
- Want me to zip your coat up? - Yeah.
What's wrong with your face, Daddy?
It's pustules.
It's called sycosis.
Spelled differently than "psychosis," but it sounds the same.
I don't know what that means.
Of course not.
Well, there are two kinds of psychosis. They're spelled differently.
P-S-Y is like if you're crazy, like Mama.
S-Y is like these ugly things on my face.
- You could have both, though. - I could, but I don't.
Can I ask you something, Ad?
Have I disappointed you somehow?
I don't know what I'm doing. We're just spending a little time apart.
We'll talk when I get back, okay?
Everyone is disappointing. The more you know someone, it just...
This whole romantic-love thing, it's just a projection anyway, right?
I mean, I don't know.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I love you.
I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know.
We'll talk when I get back.
Okay?
Flurostatin TR allows you to live life...
...when it's your turn to face the challenges of chemotherapy.
Ask your doctor if Flurostatin TR is right for you.
- And I'm on the first train out of Palookaville.
- The Miracle Brush can scour everything from bottles...
- Rise and shine... - Lift those legs...
- I'm lonely. - Yes. Anything else?
- I'm hurt. - Yes. And?
I think Adele's right. I'm not doing anything real...
What would be real?
I'm afraid I'm gonna die.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I wanna do something important while I'm still here.
That would be the time to do it. I have a book that might help you get better.
- Better? - It's called Getting Better.
- Who wrote it? - I did. All of these.
- Wow, I never knew that. - Yes. Well, wow, indeed.
In conclusion... Cats eat rats...
Within his own plumbing... Me who am as a raw nerve...
Synthetic vaginal juices... Substantial crease...
That's $45.
Five. Five.
Five.
Some fives. That's not good.
Keep with the flossing. We'll see you in three months.
Six. Six. Six.
I'm gonna recommend you see a periodontist.
He'll probably recommend gum surgery.
- Hello? - Hey, I'm so glad I finally got you.
- Hello, who is this? - It's Caden.
Ellen?
It's Caden. I can't wait to see you and Olive on the 12th...
No, I have to go. I'm sorry, there's a party. I'm famous.
Have fun...
911, state your emergency.
- I'm sick! I'm sick! - Ma'am?
Mr. Cotard?
Mr. Cotard.
You've had a seizure of sorts.
What does that mean?
Seems to be some synaptic degradation, fungal in origin.
Autonomic functions are going haywire.
You'll lose your ability to salivate, cry, et cetera.
- Is it serious? - We don't know. But, yes.
We'll get you enrolled in some biofeedback program.
Maybe you can learn some sort of manual override.
We should get a drink. It would be fun.
- It would be weird. - I like weird. I like you. See?
Anyway, I don't wanna make you uncomfortable, I...
Okay, so I do wanna make you uncomfortable.
And what do we do with all this?
You wanna come over to my place, Cotard?
I won't let you off the hook this time by saying, "Never mind."
Adele is only on vacation.
She hasn't called since she left. It's been a year.
It's been a week.
I'm gonna buy you a calendar.
Okay.
Just for one drink.
Come on. Scraps for my scrapbook.
I can't... I really can't drink very much because of my condition.
Did you put something in it?
If that's what it takes, consider it done.
Love potion number 69.
- It's good. - Does it make you wanna kiss me?
- Kind of. - Tell me why.
Because I feel a lot of longing.
Beg a girl, why don't you?
- Please, Hazel. - On your knees.
What?
I want you to beg me on your knees for a kiss.
Just for fun.
Why am I doing this?
For fun, baby.
Will you help me forget my troubles?
Oh, kiddo.
You don't even know.
- What? - I don't know.
- What is it? - I don't know, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- What? - I don't know, I'm just...
I'm just really confused.
I'm sorry.
I...
I'm really sick.
And I think I'm dying.
I have a kid, and I'm married.
I just thought this might change things, you know?
I had a good time, and I think you're a very nice person.
That is just the wrong thing to say right now, Caden.
You should go.
Hazel. Leave a message or not. It's your dime.
Hi. You know, I haven't heard from you in a while...
...and I just thought I'd call and say hi.
Hi, Hazel.
Now. Now. Be here now.
Olive wanted me to ask you not to read her diary.
She left it under her pillow by mistake.
Dear Mr. Cotard, it is my pleasure to inform you...
...that you have been named a 2009 MacArthur Fellow.
It is our hope that you will use your newly found financial freedom...
...to create something unflinchingly true, profoundly beautiful...
...and of unremitting value to your community and to the world.
- I got this MacArthur grant. - Oh, Caden.
- Yeah, a lot of money. - Know what you're gonna do with it?
Theater piece. Something big and true and tough.
I'm gonna finally put my real self into something.
What is your real self, do you think?
I don't know yet.
The MacArthur is called "the genius grant"...
...and I wanna earn it.
That's wonderful. God bless.
I guess you'll have to discover your real self, right?
Yeah.
I wanted to ask you, how old are kids when they start to write?
There's an absolutely brilliant novel written by a 4-year-old.
- Really? - Little Winky by Horace Azpiazu.
- That's cute. - Oh, hardly.
Little Winky is a virulent anti-Semite.
The story follows his initiation into the Klan...
...his immersion in the pornographic snuff industry...
...and his ultimate degradation at the hands of a black ex-convict...
...named Eric Washington Jackson Jones Johnson...
- Written by a 4-year-old? ...Jefferson.
Written by a 4-year-old?
Well, Azpiazu killed himself when he was 5.
- Why did he kill himself? - I don't know. Why did you?
What?
I said, why would you?
Oh, I don't know.
Yeah, I wanna bring my production to New York...
...to get it seen by people, you know, who matter.
- The sooner the better. - This theater, centrally located.
Heart of the theater district, so, you know, great for plays.
- Yeah? - Oh, yeah. Absolutely. There it is.
- What was this used for? - Plays.
- Like, theater plays? - Shakespeare.
King Lear.
The storm.
You see, the idea is to do a massive theater piece.
You know, uncompromising, honest.
Here's what I think theater is. It's the beginning of thought.
It's the truth not yet spoken.
It's what a man feels like after he's been clocked in the jaw.
It's love in all its messiness.
You know, and I want all of us, players and patrons alike...
...to soak in the communal bath of it...
...the mikvah, as the Jews call it.
Because we're all in the same water, after all.
You know, soaking in our very menstrual blood...
...and nocturnal emissions.
This is what I wanna try to give people.
Okay, here you go. Here's your salad.
- Here's your soup. - Thanks.
- Thank you. - Enjoy.
- What are you doing? - Salivating.
The biofeedback training.
- So I was wondering if you'd help. - In your box office?
No, as my assistant.
I'm not sure I can work with you, Caden.
I'm kind of angry.
I just wanna normalize it.
I think we'd have a lot of fun together.
I miss you.
- Really disturbing. - I know.
Dear diary, thank you for being my new best friend.
My name is Olive Cotard, and I'm 4 years old.
I like chocolate, and my favorite color is pink.
This is pink.
Yeah, that's good.
- Next. - Hi.
We'll start by talking honestly...
...and out of that, a piece of theater will evolve.
I'll begin.
I've been thinking a lot about dying lately.
- You're gonna be fine, sweetie. - Well, I appreciate that, Claire, but...
You are, you poor thing.
Yeah, well, regardless of how this particular thing works itself out...
...I will be dying.
And so will you.
And so will everyone here.
And that's what I wanna explore.
We're all hurtling towards death.
Yet here we are, for the moment, alive...
...each of us knowing we're gonna die...
...each of us secretly believing we won't.
It's brilliant.
It's everything.
It's Karamazov.
- Stop. - I'm just asking.
- You're so obnoxious. - You're so obnoxious.
- You do not wanna cross me. - Don't I?
Hi, Claire.
- Hi. - Hazel.
Yeah. No, no. I know, I know. Hazel. You're the box office.
- Yeah, I'm the box office. - How are you?
Wonderful. You?
Yeah, yeah. I'm good. I'm fine. Thank you.
Actually, I'm meeting Caden here. You know Mr. Cotard, right?
Yes, I recall Mr. Cotard.
Yeah. I'm waiting...
- Hey. - Hi, Caden.
- Hi, Hazel. Hi, Claire.
Hi.
- This is Derek. - Hi, Derek.
- Hi, Derek.
Hi.
Well, we'll leave you be. It's nice to see you again.
- Take care. - Why am I bowing? Okay, bye.
- That was awkward. - Yeah, I guess.
Do you like beaver...?
So could you tell me maybe what it is that you want from me?
You know, like, from my character.
Well, we'll build it over time together.
You know, try to find a real person, maybe, to model it after.
That Hazel girl's kind of interesting maybe.
- You know, like, why...? - Although...
Why is she still working at a box office at her age?
I don't know. Probably not that interesting.
Maybe she wanted to be an actress, but she lacked the confidence.
- Yeah, we'll talk about it. - I'm so excited.
Really? Why?
Because I think that it's brave.
And I just feel like I'm gonna be part of a revolution.
I keep thinking about Artaud, Krapp's Last Tape...
...you know, and Grotowski, for chrissake.
I don't know what I'm doing.
But that's what so refreshing.
Knowing that you don't know...
...is the first and the most essential step to knowing, you know?
I don't know.
- Well, I'm proud of you. - Thanks.
- Don't say that, not to me. - Oh, sorry.
My mother died last night.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. What are you doing out?
- This is me. - Well...
Well, it was nice meeting you. Oh, God, did I just say "meeting"?
- I'm sorry. I'm so stupid. - Slip of the tongue, is all.
Yeah, it's a Freudian slip, right?
I don't know how it's Freudian.
To meet, you know? Like, to meet.
There she met Ralph Keene. They fell in love, married...
...and soon their first child, Claire, was born.
I used to be a baby.
Claire Elizabeth Keene was a joyous child...
- I'm sorry. ...the apple of her mother's eye.
She made her parents proud with her politeness and gymnastic skills.
God, you're beautiful.
When she was 7, little Claire was bitten by the acting bug.
She starred in almost every school musical...
...playing Ado Annie in Oklahoma...
...Adelaide in Guys And Dolls, and Maria in The Sound Of Music.
I have to fuck you. I have to.
There will be no other before you.
I'd like to buy a ticket, please.
- Okay. Hold it. - That'll be $40.
We're not really... We need to investigate.
You know, to really discover the essence of each being.
You know, I think I need to work with both of you separately.
Davis, I'll start with you.
I liked the beginning. I don't wanna see a good scene...
"Davis, I'll start with you"?
There's a difference between favoring me and pretending we've never met.
I mean, we've had Ariel. I think people know that we've fucked.
We'll talk about your character after we put Ariel to bed, okay?
Okay.
I think I made a breakthrough.
- This character is so beautiful... - Yeah, I have to go find my daughter.
- Your daughter's right here. - My real daughter.
- Excuse me? - I mean, my first daughter, Olive.
- I have to go find her. - Please don't do this to us.
She's tattooed. She's tattooed.
Oh, everyone is tattooed.
Oh, I've never seen that before.
- You have responsibilities. - Yeah, I'll be quick. I'll do it quick.
Redundancy is fluid. Life moves to the south.
There is only the now, and I am always with you.
For example, look to your left.
Hi.
When you canceled, it freed me up, so I'm traveling too.
You know, I'm not sure I'm getting the book.
Oh, but it's getting you. You're almost non-recognizable now.
Thank you.
I show you my leg. I stand close, and you inhale my perfume.
I offer my ripe flower to you and you deny it.
This book is over.
Hi.
I don't speak German.
Yeah, yeah. I may help you, mister?
I'm looking for Adele Cotard. Adele Lack.
We must not give addresses or other personal informations.
- I'm her husband. - No, you are not her husbands...
...which is named Gunther und Heinz.
I'm the father of her daughter, Olive.
I see. I'm sorry, I cannot help you.
Dear diary, Germany is wonderful. So many friends here.
My new dads are great and handsome...
...and brilliant directors of theater.
Hello.
You're here?
Yeah. I live with Adele and Olive and Gunther and Heinz...
...and Uschi and Britt. I'm everyone's nanny.
I wanna see my daughter.
- Yeah, they sent me. - They?
Who are they? Who the fuck are Uschi and Britt?
Yeah, they decided it's not time to see you yet.
They decided? Who decided? They had her tattooed.
Oh, I did that. Olive is my project...
She's a 4-year-old!
She's a fucking 4-year-old!
She's almost over 11 now.
She's my muse.
I love her.
You don't love her!
Where is she?
What did you do to my daughter?
Death comes faster than you think.
- That was your last patient for the day. - Let's stop this charade.
I don't know what you're talking about, doctor.
You're actually having an affair off set.
- Palpable, huh? - Oh, okay.
- Who told you? - And it's not good.
- Not good, oh, okay. - You're actors playing actors.
You're in this scene, you're not just filming it. You're in this scene.
Just like that...
As you're telling him this, you realize you're attracted to him.
How are you gonna let him know?
And the guilt you feel about telling him about somebody else knowing.
Daddy, Daddy is mine.
Daddy can't play now, honey.
Daddy doesn't live with us anymore, baby. He had to go find himself.
They still feel a little tight in the toe.
Have an argument. You're having an argument. Have it.
- I don't buy it. - You, sir, are a horse's ass.
What? Just get the fucking shoe. You gave me two sizes too big.
Tom, don't turn into another person just because I say change your action.
And this started just today? It never happened before?
Okay. Good.
You can get dressed.
I mean, you're a doctor, right? Am I dying? Can you tell me that?
- No. - No, you can't tell me?
- I can't tell you. - You can't tell me if you can't tell me?
- No. - No, you can't tell me...
...because you're not allowed to? - No.
- Caden. - What are you doing here?
I was wondering if I was gonna bump into you.
- You look great. - Thanks.
- Is that a new haircut? - Yeah. For a while now.
What are you doing in New York?
I'm here with Derek and the boys. A mini vacation.
- The boys? - Yeah. I thought you knew.
- How old? - Five.
Twins. Robert and Daniel and Alan.
Yes.
They're nice names. Where are they?
Derek took them to the Natural History so I could shop.
It's so good to see you, Caden. L... How are things?
You know, I was with Claire.
And we have a daughter. But we're separated.
How about with you?
Good. I have a great job at Lens Shapers.
Shapers. Great. You wear a lab coat.
- It's so good to see you. - Oh, good to see you, Hazel.
Hey! What are you doing?
- I got you. - Let me go.
How I love Maria.
She is so much more of a father than Caden ever was...
...with his drinking and unfortunate body odor and rotting teeth.
I could only loathe him, and perhaps pity him.
But Maria.
I wanna come back.
I wanna take care of you and Olive. Ariel. Ariel. Fuck.
Ariel.
No, no, no, it's so late. Please.
No, no, no. Please.
Hello?
Okay.
My father died.
Oh, baby.
They said his body was riddled with cancer and that he didn't know.
That he went in because his finger hurt.
They said he suffered horribly.
And that he...
That he called out for me before he died.
They said that he said he regretted his life.
And they said he said a lot of things.
Too many to recount.
They said it was the longest...
...and saddest deathbed speech any of them had ever heard.
There was so little left of him...
...they had to fill the coffin with cotton balls...
...to keep him from rattling around.
I'm really sorry for your loss.
Thank you. Can you excuse me a moment?
- Of course. - I need to use the bathroom.
- All right. - Okay.
God bless you and your family.
God bless you. Will you excuse me?
It's Hazel. Leave a message or not. It's your dime.
It's left five people dead.
Sorry.
- Caden? - Hi, Derek.
Officials suspect arson.
In other news, German pharmaceutical giant...
...has won its libel suit against patients...
...claiming chromosomal damage from use of the arthritis medication...
Will you just tell me what to do?
In Pakistan today, the government...
Caden, everyone has to figure out their own life, you know.
I just want you to look at me the way you used to.
Oh, honey, I can't anymore.
You know I'm sorry.
I screwed everything up, and I don't have any courage.
- And I'm sorry. - Caden.
- I'm okay. - I don't want you to be okay.
I mean, I do, but it just...
It rips my guts out.
I'll help you through any way I can.
And I'll help you through too.
I'm fine.
I have Derek.
Okay, I'm going.
Honey, I'm coming.
Dear diary, today I felt a wetness between my legs.
Maria explained to me now I am a woman.
And being a woman is wonderful with Maria to guide me.
Olive?
Olive.
Olive, it's Daddy.
Olive, it's Daddy! Olive, it's Daddy!
Don't fucking stare at me! Olive!
Get off! It's my daughter! That's my daughter!
Get off! Get off!
I won't settle for anything less than the brutal truth.
Brutal. Brutal.
Each day I'll hand you a paper. It'll tell you what happened to you that day.
You felt a lump in your breast.
You looked at your wife and saw a stranger, et cetera.
- Caden? - What?
When are we gonna get an audience in here?
It's been 17 years.
All right, I'm not excusing myself from this either.
I will have someone play me...
...to delve into the murky, cowardly depths...
...of my lonely, fucked-up being.
And he'll get notes too, and those notes will correspond...
...to the notes I truly receive every day from my god.
Get to work!
They fired me.
- I caused an outbreak of conjunctivitis. - Oh, God.
I didn't wash my hands. I had pinkeye hands.
- Oh, God. - I'm a stupid cow.
Fucking private Christian school is killing us. You know, it's not cheap.
It's Derek's thing. I don't believe in that shit, you know.
You try to be a good person. I mean, that's all there is.
Do you have anything for me, Caden?
I mean, I already have an assistant.
- I don't have a box office yet, but... - Please, caden.
Please, Caden. I...
Please, Caden.
Sammy Barnathan?
Sit. Sammy Barnathan.
I don't have a résumé or a picture.
- I've never worked as an actor. - Good. Tell me why you're here.
Well, I've been...
I've been following you for 20 years.
So I knew about this audition because I follow you.
And I've learned everything about you by following you.
So hire me, and you'll see who you truly are.
Peekaboo.
Okay.
Hazel, I don't think we need to talk to anyone else. This guy has me down.
I'm gonna cast him right now. Then maybe you and I can get a drink.
And we can try to figure out this thing between us...
...why I cried.
Because I've never felt about anybody the way I feel about you.
And I wanna fuck you until we merge into a chimera...
...a mythical beast with penis and vagina eternally fused...
...two pairs of eyes that look only at each other...
...and lips ever touching.
And one voice that whispers to itself.
Okay.
Yeah. You've got the part.
I've never seen your shit gray.
It's new.
That's a good boy.
- When is it opening? - When it's ready.
- We need to get in. It's bad out here. - Sorry.
You know, I was thinking of calling it Simulacrum.
I don't even know what it means.
Can I have a nickel if I doesn't play with my pee-pee no more?
Yeah.
How about The Flawed Light of Love and Grief?
I'm not sure.
Claire, I want you to play yourself.
Sammy's gonna move into your apartment set as me.
It would be my honor to play your husband, Claire.
You're an amazing actress.
No, I saw you do Bernarda Alba last year at the Roundabout.
Yeah?
That was a fun play.
Emotionally, it was tough, but fucking fulfilling.
Plus, I loved working with so many strong female actresses.
I'm gonna start thinking about myself.
Start, huh?
Who is Claire Keen? Claire Keen. Claire Keen.
- Why did we leave Adele, Caden? - Claire Keen. Well...
She left us.
You know that better than anybody.
Except me.
An amazing artist though. The best living artist.
I mean, there's no one who stares the truth in the face like she does.
Sweet pussy too.
How do you know that?
I read it.
Anyway...
I mean, I don't know where she is.
Well, maybe she's got a sublet in New York.
Maybe she's got a retrospective at the Met. Maybe, baby.
Why are you giving me this?
I wanna follow you there and see how you lose even more of yourself.
Research.
You know, for the part.
Partner.
Hold it. Hold it, please.
Hold it, please.
I asked you to hold the door.
I'm sorry. I pressed the button, but I think it was too late.
You didn't press it.
- Have a good night. - Yeah, thanks.
- Are you Ellen? Ellen? - What?
- Are you Ellen Bascomb? - What?
I'm to give the key to 31Y to Ellen Bascomb.
Yes, I'm Ellen.
She said you should just go ahead and get started.
- And don't forget to change the sheets. - Okay, thanks.
Oh, sweetheart.
Adele?
Hi, Ellen. Be a doll and do the sheets and whatever's in the hamper.
Your money's under the toaster. Kisses, Adele.
P.S. Bag of stuff in bedroom closet for Goodwill. Take what you want.
Went for a walk. I had to think.
All night?
You smell weird. Are you wearing lipstick?
No.
What do I smell like?
Like bad? Like an old person?
I don't know. Like mold and cleaning products.
Like you're menstruating. I don't know.
Menstruating?
You tell me.
I don't menstruate. I don't know how I could smell like I'm menstruating.
I wouldn't know.
I don't like the guy you got to play you.
You don't like Sammy? Why? I think he's good.
Fuck you. I'm 45 years old. I don't wanna do this shit anymore.
He's the best thing in the play except you.
He's coming on to me. He's grabbing my ass in rehearsal.
- He's your husband. - Good, Jimmy.
He's not my goddamn husband. You are.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
- I'm going to rehearsal. - It's about the play.
- We're getting at something real here. - That's great, you guys.
Beautiful, Sammy.
- Caden? Time-out? - Yeah.
What's up?
Well, I feel we need a Hazel in here.
I mean, there's a whole side of Caden I can't explore without a Hazel.
- I guess, yeah. - I get to be a character?
Yeah.
Hi, Ellen. Crackerjack job last night.
Would you do sheets again?
We had quite a fuck, and it's musky and gross. Kisses, A.
Hi, Adele. Relined the cabinets.
I just wanted to let you know I won a MacArthur Grant.
And I'm mounting a play which I think is gonna be pure and truthful.
Best, Ellen.
I went for a walk. I had to think.
Caden, what are you doing at night?
I have a right to fucking know.
I've been going to Adele's place.
And cleaning it.
Do you have any idea what I've given up for you? For this?
For you? For you? Could you please get that?
- This looks serious. Am I interrupting? - What's going on, Hazel?
I just wanted you to know that the actress playing me...
...is ready to start today.
That's great. That's all we need around here, is two Hazels.
Okay, I'll take that as my cue.
- Maybe you could clean her toilet. - Maybe I will.
This is over.
- No, Claire... - I'm not talking to you.
I didn't say I was gonna clean Hazel's toilet. He did.
- But you thought it! - I thought it, but I didn't say it.
I got an offer to do Needleman in a Haystack.
And I'm gonna take it. I want you out of the apartment.
The real one. You can keep this one.
Claire.
Jesus. Claire.
Hi, yeah, we're gonna need a Claire replacement.
Claire, I didn't say it.
I already put out a call for a Claire replacement.
But I'm afraid I'm gonna have to move on.
Just like that? You don't give a guy even a chance?
I'm not a chance-giving girl. I'm a fun-loving girl, remember?
I try and be fun-loving, see?
Sorry.
My analyst says you have complexes.
Once you enjoyed Needleman's complexes.
- That's before my analyst taught me... - This is the last of my stuff.
- Bye. - Bye. From the top?
Oh, Needleman, you had such potential.
But I'm afraid I'm gonna have to move on.
I'm sorry. Okay.
Oh, Needleman, you had such potential.
But I'm afraid I'm going to have to move on.
Just like that? You don't give a guy a chance?
I'm not a chance-giving girl. I'm a fun-loving girl.
Once you enjoyed Needleman's complexes.
That's before my analyst taught me...
This is a lie.
Come here. I try to be fun-loving, see?
- She told me your hatred of... - Will.
Wall it up. All of it.
Claire.
Oh, Needleman.
All right.
Good for you with your grant.
Listen, I fixed up the walk-in as a sort of bedroom if you want.
We'd love to have you...
...and you wouldn't have to schlep all the way to Queens.
It's just a thought. Kisses, A.
Dear diary, I'm afraid I'm gravely ill.
It is perhaps times like these that one reflects on things past.
An article of clothing from when I was young.
A green jacket. A walk with my father.
A game we once played. Pretend we're fairies.
I'm a girl fairy, and my name is Lauralee...
...and you're a boy fairy, and your name is Teetery.
Pretend when we're fairies, we fight each other.
And I say, "Stop hitting me or I'll die." And you hit me again, and I say:
"Now I have to die." And you say, "But I'll miss you."
And I say, "But I have to.
And you'll have to wait a million years to see me again.
And I'll be put in a box...
...and all I'll need is a tiny glass of water...
...and lots of tiny pieces of pizza.
And the box will have wings like an airplane."
And you ask, "Where will it take you?"
"Home," I say.
This is to hear.
- So words... English here, yeah? - Okay.
I'm dying...
...as I'm sure Maria told you.
The flower tattoos have become infected and they're dying.
So I am as well. This is life.
It's Maria. She did this.
Maria gave me a reason to live once you left.
The flowers defined me.
Your mother and Maria took you away.
I've tried for years to find you. I didn't leave you.
I want to talk to you about your homosexuality.
- I'm not a homosexual. - Maria said you would deny it.
Well, she's a liar. She's lying to you.
I had the same struggle when I first fell in love with Maria...
...and we began to have dirty, aching sex.
Maria is your lover?
Of course. She introduced me to myself...
...to my vagina and to hers.
You have no idea how evil she is.
I need to forgive you before I die...
...but I can't forgive someone who has not asked for forgiveness.
- I just want... - I have no time.
I need you to ask for forgiveness.
Can you ever forgive me?
- For what? - For abandoning you.
For abandoning you to have anal sex...
...with my homosexual lover, Eric.
I will, I'll say it.
For abandoning you...
...to have anal sex with my homosexual lover, Eric.
No.
No, I'm sorry.
I cannot.
I hope you are happy, faggot.
I'm not happy. I'm not happy.
I've talked to you before. This is not a play about dating. It's about death.
Make it personal. Move along.
He doesn't need to yell at them.
It is a play about dating. It's not a play just about death.
It's about everything.
Dating, birth, death, life, family...
...all that.
- This doesn't look real. - What?
- It's not real. - I can't hear you.
- Morning, Haze. - Hi, Caden. How was your night?
It was okay. Yours?
Phillip was colicky. I was up all night.
- Oh, sorry. - Sorry.
- Everybody here? - Sammy's not here.
Jimmy called and said there's some subway problem.
Sorry. Sorry.
- Hi, Hazel. - Hi, Sammy.
Sammy likes you.
I need you to build this. This is just the façade.
It's Adele's place. We'll be casting an Ellen.
I can give you the interiors later.
A few days?
- Can I look again? - A slight shift in perspective on this.
Millicent Weems?
- Caden, this is... - Hazel, what do you think of this title?
Unknown, Unkissed and Lost?
Anyway, this is Millicent Weems.
Have a seat.
How are you at cleaning?
- Very, very good at it. - This part requires a lot of it.
You'd be playing a cleaning lady.
I played Egga, the cleaning lady, in Hedda Gabler at the Roundabout.
Great. Okay.
And Mrs. Dobson in Scrub-A-Dub at the Pantages.
You're weirdly close to what I visualize for this character.
Glad to be weirdly close.
Sorry, everybody.
- Maurice, what's going on? - I'm sorry.
We have a couple of new guys on. We're not in sync yet.
- We good to go? - Yes, sir.
I'm sorry.
Fuck.
Are you Ellen? Are you Ellen Bascomb?
Shit.
Line, please?
Ellen..."What?"
Right, right. What?
I'm to give the key to 31Y to Ellen Bascomb.
Yes, I'm Ellen.
Oh, dear. It's the wrong key.
I'll be in, in a second.
- Did you hear that? - What?
- You're breaking the fourth wall. - This is the wrong key.
- I'm supposed to open the door. - Hold on.
- Are you in there? - There's no one in there.
- Adele? - Caden.
I don't think it's... It's not quite...
I'm jumping in the shower. I'll be out in a second.
Do you want some coffee? I can make a fresh pot.
Did you look at the new painting on my easel? What do you think?
Hey, thanks for the fuck this morning.
- People don't walk like that. - What? Is it too?
No, just walk like yourself.
Watch. Watch this.
I gotta go.
Watch this.
Where's Hazel and Sammy?
Sammy.
Sammy. Sammy.
- Hi, Caden. - What are you doing?
I was being you.
You know, you like Hazel, I like Hazel.
This Hazel doesn't exist for you. If you wanna like a Hazel, like that one.
That's what I tried to tell him.
No harm, no foul, Caden. It's equity break anyway.
Ten minutes, everybody!
- Hazel. - What?
- You don't like him, do you? - Yeah, he reminds me of you.
I'm me. You don't need someone to remind you of me.
Oh, don't worry, Caden. I like you more.
I do. It's just, Sammy's fun.
- I'm fun. - Oh, sweetie, no, you're not.
Hold on a sec. Yes?
- Is this Caden cotard? - Yes.
This is Officer Melnin of Schenectady P.D.
I'm sorry to inform you your mother's been the victim of a home invasion.
- What does that mean? - She is dead.
Was my father standing with us?
I don't know what he looks like.
He's dead.
- So he looks dead, I guess. - Probably wasn't him, then.
He was a big guy.
Anyway...
Thanks for coming with me.
That's okay.
I asked Hazel...
...but she was busy tonight, and you're the next best thing.
I mean, it's not that you're the next best thing...
...but because you play her, it feels comforting.
Does that make sense?
Although the thing is, off-stage you're nothing like her.
But you play her very well, though.
Did Hazel mention what she was doing tonight?
Because I called her house before we left...
...and her husband told me she wasn't gonna be back till late.
And I just thought that was weird because she said Phillip was sick.
She's having dinner with Sammy.
- That's interesting. - He's supposed to like me.
I'll have another talk with him.
Will you excuse me? I need to go to the bathroom.
Don't forget your phone.
Thanks, Yammy.
It's Hazel. Leave a message or not. It's your dime.
You can stay in my parents' room.
I thought someone would have cleaned it up.
Who?
I don't know. Someone.
This is my room. You can sleep here.
Where are you going to sleep?
- The living-room couch. - Don't you want to sleep with me?
- It's just sex. - Okay.
If you think it's okay.
- How can you be like that? - I get undressed every day.
In front of someone is different.
I don't see why.
Maybe because you have a beautiful body.
- Maybe that makes it easier. - Yeah, I suppose it might.
Do you want to fuck?
I do. Do you?
- Take your clothes off. - I'm sorry.
I'm very, very lonely.
I don't...
...know what's wrong. I just...
I'm sorry.
Do you understand?
I mean, can you understand loneliness?
Yeah. I mean...
I don't know, I feel okay, mostly.
Fucking might help.
I'm sorry.
It's okay, I don't mind. Take your clothes off.
- You're very pretty. - Thanks.
Sometimes I wish I could be pretty like that.
What, you wish you were a girl?
Sometimes I think I might have been better at it.
Interesting. It's kind of a drag in a lot of ways.
- Do you like guys? - No. I only love women.
Well, I'm getting cold.
You're pretty, Caden.
Thanks for saying that.
Come to bed, pretty Caden.
I shouldn't have drunk so much fucking beer last night.
- What are you gonna do about it? - Get lunch. What are you going to do?
- For chrissake. - Good, Roland.
Thanks, Caden.
We need to fire him.
We don't need to fire him.
Jeremy's playing to us.
Tell him to talk to Donna and we'll hear what we hear.
Sammy's explaining too much. It feels expository.
It needs to be shorthand, like, "Jeremy, big."
Caden, can we stop a second?
Sure.
If Hazel's in love with Sammy, and Caden's in love with Hazel...
...there would be a big confrontation where Caden turns to me and says:
"It's obvious he's a substitute for me."
Then I think Hazel would have a good moment where she cries...
...or gets angry, I'm not sure which yet, but I think it's dramatically sound...
- That didn't happen. - I think Hazel would do that.
- But Hazel hasn't done that, Tammy. - Caden, what do you think?
I feel like we could try it.
- Great. - Fuck.
Let's try it. Maybe it could happen at the director's table.
Fuck.
You know, Tammy's right.
I don't understand why you're with Sammy.
He's nice, he's available, he fucks me without crying.
Since when are you available?
Derek left because of you.
When? How come you never told me?
I don't know, Caden. How come a lot of things, huh?
Fuck. I gotta let go of the actor who played Derek. What's his name?
What? That is such a romantic response.
- I am touched. - It's not my response.
Derek is played by...
We have enormous budgetary concerns here.
...Joe. - Stop. Okay? No, just stop.
I do not like Tammy, and she's nothing like me.
- How can you like her, anyway? - She looks like you.
- Joe Abernathy. No, she does not. - She offered to have sex with me.
- Abernathy? - Yeah.
- Was it good? - It was nice.
I'm just being honest. It was nice. It wasn't earth-shattering.
- Did you cry? - No.
You're making progress.
Okay, I cried a little before.
Hazel, you've been a part of me forever. Don't you know that?
I breathe your name in every exhalation.
- What are we doing? - I don't know.
Oh, this is the place I stayed with Derek and the kids.
- Yeah, we're almost... - Caden.
Caden.
- Caden. Caden, look at me. - What are you doing?
Sammy, stay right where you are. I'm coming up.
There's nothing to talk about, Hazel. It's not your fault.
- What are you doing? - I've watched you forever, Caden.
But you've never really looked at anyone other than yourself.
So watch me.
Watch my heart break. Watch me jump.
Watch me learn that after death there's nothing.
No more watching, no more following, no love.
Say goodbye to Hazel for me. And say it for yourself too.
- None of us has much time. - Sammy! Come down!
Hazel, I love you!
Sammy!
I didn't jump, Sammy.
A man stopped me before I jumped. Get up!
I didn't jump.
I know how to do it now.
There are nearly 13 million people in the world.
I mean, can you imagine that many people?
And none of those people is an extra.
They're all leads in their own stories. They have to be given their due.
I know how to do it now.
There are 13 million people in this world.
Can you imagine how many people that is?
None of those people are an extra. They're all a lead in their own story.
They have got to be given their due.
Do you see what I'm saying?
Come over tonight.
Please.
You know, we could get a place together.
- We could get a loft. - God, Caden, that sounds nice.
I miss my daughter. Maybe she could come live with us.
I miss Olive.
And the other one.
- I'm a bad person. - Oh, no, you're not.
I am. I should never have gone out with Sammy.
I was just trying to get to you.
You can't cause someone to kill himself.
He was very troubled.
God, Caden.
I wish we had this when we were young.
And all those years in between.
My heart aches so much for you.
We're here, Caden.
- I'm here. - I'm aching for it being over.
Yeah. The end is built into the beginning.
What can you do?
- God, you're just perfect. - I'm a mess.
- But we fit, don't we? - Yeah.
It doesn't always happen for me now...
...because of the medication and everything.
- I take a lot of pills. - It's okay.
I'm embarrassed. I don't want you to think it's about you or me.
It's okay.
I have a title.
The Obscure Moon Lighting an Obscure World.
I think it might be too much.
Yeah, probably.
Sir, could you come up here, please?
Might be smoke inhalation.
It's Hazel. Leave a message or not. It's your dime.
I know how to do the play now.
It'll all take place over the course of one day...
...and that day will be the day before you died.
It was the happiest day of my life.
And I'll be able to relive it forever.
See you soon.
So have you got any thoughts for today's rehearsal?
I have a new title, maybe.
Infectious Diseases in Cattle.
The title means a lot of things. You'll see, it means a lot.
I need a Caden for my Hazel.
I'd very much like to play Caden.
I know that...
I know that it would be nontraditional casting...
...but I think I could do it. I think I understand him.
I don't understand him.
Well, Caden Cotard is a man already dead.
He lives in a half world between stasis and antistasis...
...and time is concentrated, chronology confused.
Yet up until recently, he's strived valiantly...
...to make sense of his situation.
But now he's turned to stone.
- Okay. Sounds good. - Okay.
- Thanks. - She's right?
I didn't see that at all. I saw it as much more hopeful.
None of those people is extras.
They're all leads in their own stories.
No, this is tedious. This is nothing.
Hi, your scene's over. Would you leave the stage?
- What is she doing? - He's directing.
Can I get you down at the coffin there?
She not getting the feel of you, Caden.
You don't move around like that. You don't talk to people.
Sit on the ground there. Okay, everybody, let's run it.
Everything is more complicated than you think.
You only see a tenth of what is true.
There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make.
You can destroy your life every time you choose.
But maybe you won't know for 20 years...
...and you may never, ever trace it to its source.
And you only get one chance to play it out.
Just try and figure out your own divorce.
And they say there is no fate, but there is, it's what you create.
And even though the world goes on for eons and eons...
...you are only here for a fraction of a fraction of a second.
Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born.
But while alive, you wait in vain...
...wasting years for a phone call or a letter or a look...
...from someone or something to make it all right.
And it never comes, or it seems to, but it doesn't really.
So you spend your time in vague regret...
...or vaguer hope that something good will come along.
Something to make you feel connected.
Something to make you feel whole.
Something to make you feel loved.
And the truth is...
...I feel so angry.
And the truth is...
...I feel so fucking sad.
And the truth is, I've felt so fucking hurt for so fucking long.
And for just as long, I've been pretending I'm okay...
...just to get along, just for...
I don't know why.
Maybe because no one wants to hear about my misery...
...because they have their own.
Well, fuck everybody.
- Amen. - Amen.
- Delightful. - Thanks.
I'm out of ideas.
I'm dead.
Well, I could take over as you for a bit until you feel refreshed.
I think you're tired, Caden. All these years of creative work.
I think you just need some time to regroup.
- I need to keep my hand in. - Well, Ellen needs to be filled.
- What do you mean? - Her role. Just for a bit.
It's a choice role.
I do like to clean.
Ellen?
- Yes? - Caden asked me to give you this.
You're to keep it in all the time.
So touched by the sadness of Adele's neighbor so close to death.
Say, "Thank you," to Adele's neighbor.
Thank you.
You're very welcome, young lady.
- Now say, "Have a very good day." - Have a very good day.
I will indeed.
Reach for the toilet paper.
Wrap some around your hand.
Wipe yourself.
There was supposed to be something else.
You were supposed to have something, a calm.
Love.
Children.
A child, at least.
Children.
Meaning.
Everything okay, Eric?
- Everything is everything. - He hates me.
I disappointed him, and he hates me.
Everyone is disappointing when you know someone.
I remember having that picnic with my mother. Look at me.
Ellen, what is it?
I was so young.
I'm going to remember this moment for the rest of my life, Mama...
...and in exactly 20 years, come here with my daughter...
...and have exactly the same picnic.
There was so much hope.
Baby, that the loveliest thing I've ever heard.
Oh, God. Sorry, Mommy. I'm sorry.
Where is my little girl?
Look at the night table for a note from Adele.
Stare out the window.
Remember the time she got you to pose for one of her paintings?
How she told you how beautiful you were?
How she made you feel pretty again for a little while?
Think how you'll miss her.
Stand up.
Now it is waiting, and nobody cares.
And when your wait is over, this room will still exist...
...and it will continue to hold shoes and dresses and boxes...
...and maybe someday another waiting person.
And maybe not.
The room doesn't care either.
Hello?
There's nobody running the elevator anymore.
What was once before you, an exciting and mysterious future...
...is now behind you, lived, understood, disappointing.
You realize you are not special.
You have struggled into existence and are now slipping silently out of it.
This is everyone's experience. Every single one.
The specifics hardly matter. Everyone is everyone.
So you are Adele...
...Hazel, claire, Olive.
You are Ellen. All her meager sadnesses are yours.
All her loneliness. The gray, straw-like hair.
Her red, raw hands. It's yours.
It is time for you to understand this.
Walk.
As the people who adore you stop adoring you...
...as they die, as they move on...
...as you shed them, as you shed your beauty, your youth...
...as the world forgets you, as you recognize your transience...
...as you begin to lose your characteristics one by one...
...as you learn there is no one watching you...
...and there never was, you think only about driving.
Not coming from anyplace, not arriving anyplace...
...just driving, counting off time.
Now you are here. It's 7:43.
Now you are here. It's 7:44.
Now you are gone.
Where is everybody?
Mostly dead. Some have left.
Would you sit with me for a moment? Because I'm very tired and lonely.
I feel like I know you.
Well, I was the mother in Ellen's dream.
Yes.
You seem a bit older than I remember.
That dream was quite a while ago.
Apologize.
I didn't mean to say you looked old.
There's everyone's dreams in all those apartments.
All those thoughts I'll never know. That's the truth of it.
I wanted to do that picnic with my daughter.
I feel like I've disappointed you terribly.
Oh, no. I am so proud of you.
Ask her if you can put your head on her shoulder.
Can I lay my head on your shoulder?
Yes.
I love you.
I love you too.
I know how to do this play now.
I have an idea.
I think if everyone...
Die.