1
00:00:23,656 --> 00:00:25,851
Now I'd like to show you
how smart he is.
2
00:00:25,959 --> 00:00:28,359
Let's have some fun
and play Animal Quiz with Michael.
3
00:00:28,461 --> 00:00:31,294
Michael. Come on, Michael.
4
00:00:31,398 --> 00:00:34,299
You see what a good trainer I am.
Oh, there he comes.
5
00:00:34,401 --> 00:00:35,663
I got the wrong end.
6
00:00:35,769 --> 00:00:38,397
Goats are distinguished
by a narrow head,
7
00:00:38,505 --> 00:00:43,238
a bearded chin,
in the male, a short upturned tail.
8
00:00:43,343 --> 00:00:46,506
It's been called the "poor man's cow"
9
00:00:46,613 --> 00:00:50,481
because it yields
more milk for its size...
10
00:00:50,583 --> 00:00:52,107
Jesus Christ!
11
00:00:53,420 --> 00:00:54,580
God.
12
00:00:56,790 --> 00:00:57,984
It's all right.
13
00:00:58,091 --> 00:00:59,956
Ostriches are a pretty funny bird.
14
00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:03,188
They can't fly but they like to dance.
15
00:01:03,363 --> 00:01:06,992
And they don't really bury their heads
in the sand
16
00:01:07,100 --> 00:01:09,364
but they do eat stones and shirts.
17
00:01:09,469 --> 00:01:11,903
Look at my dad. He was the king.
18
00:01:12,005 --> 00:01:16,066
I mean, no matter what happened,
I mean, he was as cool as a cucumber.
19
00:01:16,176 --> 00:01:21,842
He never forgot a line.
And he never let anything ruffle him.
20
00:01:21,948 --> 00:01:24,178
My dad was the king.
21
00:01:24,284 --> 00:01:28,118
No doubt.
And his TV show ruled the ratings.
22
00:01:31,791 --> 00:01:33,418
What was that?
23
00:01:36,529 --> 00:01:37,689
Excuse me.
24
00:01:37,797 --> 00:01:41,392
It was a wildlife show
called Strange Wilderness.
25
00:01:41,501 --> 00:01:44,902
Yeah, you remember that?
Do you remember my dad?
26
00:01:45,004 --> 00:01:46,494
Oh, cool.
27
00:01:46,606 --> 00:01:49,541
Yeah, then he died
and then I took over the show,
28
00:01:49,642 --> 00:01:53,942
then it all went to hell and... I mean,
I'm nothing like my dad. Nothing at all.
29
00:01:55,381 --> 00:01:59,215
I don't know. I don't know
if it was like I wasn't bright enough or
30
00:01:59,319 --> 00:02:03,483
I didn't work hard enough or...
I used to smoke a lot of dope, so...
31
00:02:05,358 --> 00:02:08,156
No, I quit. Yeah, totally.
32
00:02:08,261 --> 00:02:10,024
What happened to the show?
33
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:12,428
At first, it was great.
34
00:02:12,532 --> 00:02:16,024
I had a really good crew.
We were doing what we loved.
35
00:02:17,504 --> 00:02:18,801
But then...
36
00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:25,243
I don't know, things got a little strange.
37
00:02:45,365 --> 00:02:47,799
All right, people, we're losing light!
38
00:02:47,901 --> 00:02:52,770
We need animals on film.
We need animals on film now!
39
00:02:52,872 --> 00:02:56,569
Cooker! Look, I need the slinger tripod.
Break out the kreel.
40
00:02:56,676 --> 00:02:57,973
And I need a Mercury lens
41
00:02:58,077 --> 00:03:00,238
'cause I'm gonna reverse out
all the glass. Got it?
42
00:03:00,346 --> 00:03:01,506
Okay.
43
00:03:02,949 --> 00:03:05,383
It was a nice chat.
44
00:03:05,485 --> 00:03:08,283
- Talk to me, Milas. How we doing?
- We're doing fine.
45
00:03:08,388 --> 00:03:11,255
A couple of more minutes.
This damn thing's stuck again.
46
00:03:11,357 --> 00:03:15,760
Hang on, people. I am picking up
an underwater bubbling sound.
47
00:03:15,862 --> 00:03:19,559
I'm not sure what it is,
but, I mean, it is bubbling furiously.
48
00:03:19,666 --> 00:03:21,497
Junior, knock it off.
49
00:03:21,601 --> 00:03:23,899
All right, whatever it was, it's gone now.
50
00:03:24,003 --> 00:03:25,061
Pete?
51
00:03:26,139 --> 00:03:29,199
This is my nephew, the kid
I was telling you about, you know?
52
00:03:29,309 --> 00:03:31,971
He's a little green
and he sure loves his herb
53
00:03:32,078 --> 00:03:35,946
but around you guys,
when in Rome, huh?
54
00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:39,951
All right, well, hey, any nephew of Milas'
is a nephew of mine.
55
00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:41,384
Hey, welcome aboard.
56
00:03:41,487 --> 00:03:42,852
Don't! No.
57
00:03:43,623 --> 00:03:45,215
- You okay?
- I'm okay.
58
00:03:45,325 --> 00:03:47,520
It's not a good time for me right now.
59
00:03:47,627 --> 00:03:50,687
So, all right. Get into frame.
I think we're just about set.
60
00:03:50,797 --> 00:03:53,766
All righty. Be about right here.
61
00:03:53,866 --> 00:03:56,391
Fred, you got the stuff? Ready?
62
00:03:56,502 --> 00:03:58,402
- This is a bar napkin.
- Yeah.
63
00:03:58,504 --> 00:03:59,596
This is it?
64
00:03:59,706 --> 00:04:02,937
Our entire voice-over for our show
on bears is written on a cocktail napkin?
65
00:04:03,042 --> 00:04:05,943
Yeah, we wrote it last night
at P.J. Mahoney's.
66
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:09,875
"Bears are large and brown."
67
00:04:09,983 --> 00:04:11,974
All right. Come on.
68
00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:15,316
Not all bears are large.
How about baby bears?
69
00:04:18,224 --> 00:04:21,853
"Bears derive their name
from a football team in Chicago."
70
00:04:23,563 --> 00:04:26,964
No. It's the other way around.
71
00:04:27,066 --> 00:04:29,193
Jesus Christ, Fred, come on.
72
00:04:29,936 --> 00:04:34,032
"It is estimated that bears kill
over two million salmon a year.
73
00:04:34,140 --> 00:04:37,541
"Attacks by salmon on bears
are much more rare."
74
00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:43,342
All right, that's gotta be true, right?
All right, let's go with that one.
75
00:04:43,449 --> 00:04:46,179
Let's get me standing here.
And on my count.
76
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:50,916
Four, three, two, one, zero,
and I'm talking now.
77
00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:53,322
Yes, the bear is a fierce animal...
78
00:04:53,426 --> 00:04:56,122
I hear that weird bubbling sound again.
79
00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:57,491
It's not bubbling.
80
00:04:57,597 --> 00:04:59,997
Junior, I said knock it off.
81
00:05:00,099 --> 00:05:05,366
Okay, ready? Keep rolling.
Three, two, one, go.
82
00:05:05,471 --> 00:05:09,532
Yes, the bear is a fierce animal,
much more fierce than we know.
83
00:05:09,642 --> 00:05:12,873
It is estimated that bears kill
over two mill...
84
00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:14,844
We got fog rolling in, man.
85
00:05:14,947 --> 00:05:16,847
In a year.
86
00:05:16,949 --> 00:05:18,109
It's not fog.
87
00:05:18,217 --> 00:05:19,206
Milas, can you help me out here?
88
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,787
For God's sake, Junior,
just set the bong down.
89
00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:23,185
Thanks.
90
00:05:23,289 --> 00:05:26,452
All right, let's go.
And three, two, one, go.
91
00:05:26,559 --> 00:05:30,620
Yes, the bear is a fierce animal,
much more fierce than we know.
92
00:05:30,730 --> 00:05:36,066
It is estimated that bears kill
over two million salmon a year,
93
00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:40,799
although attacks by salmon on bear
are much more fucking rare!
94
00:05:40,907 --> 00:05:41,874
Cut!
95
00:05:42,842 --> 00:05:46,005
Gaulke, how many times
have we told you,
96
00:05:46,112 --> 00:05:48,842
you can't shoot without a permit?
97
00:05:48,948 --> 00:05:51,940
You've got a $500 fine coming.
98
00:05:52,051 --> 00:05:54,849
Now, pack up your stuff
and leave the forest.
99
00:05:54,954 --> 00:05:57,616
By the way, this is fire season.
100
00:05:57,724 --> 00:06:02,024
Smokey the Bear says,
"Put out the bong!"
101
00:06:02,128 --> 00:06:05,120
Okay. Okay, thank you!
102
00:06:06,666 --> 00:06:09,863
Okay, let's take it from... Let's see...
103
00:06:09,969 --> 00:06:14,633
Let's see, from,
my time code says 08:40:22.
104
00:06:14,741 --> 00:06:18,734
We are cued up. Strange Wilderness,
episode 21, "Bear Elegance."
105
00:06:18,845 --> 00:06:20,472
We have sound speed now.
106
00:06:20,580 --> 00:06:24,573
Three, two, one, push the button, go.
107
00:06:25,551 --> 00:06:27,018
Bears are a proud people,
108
00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:30,715
although they're not people per se,
they're animals.
109
00:06:30,823 --> 00:06:35,260
Bears derived their name
from a football team in Chicago.
110
00:06:35,361 --> 00:06:37,625
Bears have been known to attack man,
111
00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:40,893
although the fact is that fewer people
have been killed by bears
112
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:45,334
than in all of World War I
and World War II combined.
113
00:06:45,438 --> 00:06:48,305
Brown bears loves fishing...
114
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:51,866
Brown... Brown bears bloves...
115
00:06:51,978 --> 00:06:54,173
God, why am I having so much trouble
saying "brown"?
116
00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:56,771
Maybe it's the two B's in "brown bears."
Try something different.
117
00:06:56,883 --> 00:06:58,874
I got it. I'm ready. Okay.
118
00:06:58,985 --> 00:07:00,646
Red bears love fish.
119
00:07:00,753 --> 00:07:03,745
Pete, you're late for your meeting
with Lawson down at K-PIP.
120
00:07:03,856 --> 00:07:06,586
Deb, we're in the middle
of a recording session,
121
00:07:06,692 --> 00:07:09,593
so every fucking thing you say
is going down on tape.
122
00:07:09,695 --> 00:07:13,096
Oh, right, like you guys ever care
about that crap?
123
00:07:13,199 --> 00:07:15,258
Okay, stop recording.
124
00:07:15,368 --> 00:07:17,495
Turn it...
125
00:07:17,603 --> 00:07:20,697
Turn off everything.
Put away, put away everything.
126
00:07:23,242 --> 00:07:26,905
Okay, everything's shut off.
Now, Deb, what's so important?
127
00:07:27,013 --> 00:07:28,241
Your meeting with Lawson
128
00:07:28,347 --> 00:07:32,579
was supposed to start 20 minutes ago,
you stupid asshole.
129
00:07:32,685 --> 00:07:33,709
Shit.
130
00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:38,554
Hey, fellas, I was bombed last night
at P.J. Maloney's.
131
00:07:38,658 --> 00:07:41,354
By the way, did you guys notice
any sediment in that tequila?
132
00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:45,261
'Cause some kind of pebble or rock
or something clogged up my penis hole
133
00:07:45,364 --> 00:07:46,661
and my Johnson swelled up
134
00:07:46,766 --> 00:07:50,224
like a fucking water balloon
hooked up to a tea kettle.
135
00:07:52,438 --> 00:07:54,668
Fuck you! You wanna fight?
136
00:07:54,774 --> 00:07:56,139
Here we are. Pull over.
137
00:07:56,642 --> 00:08:00,146
You guys better hustle up.
You're 45 minutes late for the meeting.
138
00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:00,441
You guys better hustle up.
You're 45 minutes late for the meeting.
139
00:08:03,983 --> 00:08:05,974
Great. I'll tell him you called. Thank you.
140
00:08:06,085 --> 00:08:09,418
Good morning. We have
an 11:00 meeting with Mr. Ed Lawson.
141
00:08:09,522 --> 00:08:10,716
Sorry we're a little late.
142
00:08:10,823 --> 00:08:12,654
Dude, Sky Pierson.
143
00:08:12,758 --> 00:08:14,157
Hey, Pierson, TJ.
144
00:08:14,260 --> 00:08:16,785
Well, as I live and breathe.
145
00:08:16,896 --> 00:08:19,660
Peter Gaulke
and his shadow, Fred Wolf.
146
00:08:19,765 --> 00:08:23,496
No, no, not Pete and Fred.
It's more like Neil and Bob.
147
00:08:23,603 --> 00:08:25,798
Or is that just what they do?
148
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:29,501
Hey, so what are you guys doing here?
149
00:08:29,609 --> 00:08:33,409
We're talking to Lawson about bringing
our wildlife show over here to K-PIP.
150
00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,174
It's great, 'cause Lawson's in there
151
00:08:35,281 --> 00:08:37,909
jumping through hoops
trying to make the deal work.
152
00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:41,680
It is so much fun
to have your ass royally kissed.
153
00:08:41,787 --> 00:08:43,846
Yeah, it is.
154
00:08:43,956 --> 00:08:45,184
I mean, after all, it's not your fault
155
00:08:45,291 --> 00:08:48,727
that our budget
blows yours to kingdom come.
156
00:08:48,828 --> 00:08:52,559
And you must miss
your father's skills, am I right?
157
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:55,965
Yeah.
158
00:08:56,068 --> 00:08:58,468
Yeah, actually it's...
Yes, just at times when I...
159
00:08:58,571 --> 00:09:01,404
You know what, we've got to go.
Later, huh?
160
00:09:01,507 --> 00:09:03,600
Seriously, good luck, dude.
161
00:09:04,844 --> 00:09:06,072
Awesome.
162
00:09:08,781 --> 00:09:14,083
You know, I know he was jiving us
a little, but Sky Pierson's so cool.
163
00:09:14,186 --> 00:09:15,312
Oh, yeah, you kidding me?
164
00:09:15,421 --> 00:09:18,356
He is the king
of wildlife show hosts, man.
165
00:09:18,457 --> 00:09:19,685
All right, come on, let's see Lawson.
166
00:09:19,792 --> 00:09:21,760
- This is it.
- Germans do it.
167
00:09:21,861 --> 00:09:23,556
All right, let's cut to the chase.
168
00:09:23,663 --> 00:09:25,688
The ratings for Strange Wilderness
169
00:09:25,798 --> 00:09:28,028
have been dropping considerably
for the past two years.
170
00:09:28,134 --> 00:09:32,901
Okay, now, when my dad had the show,
you aired him at 7:00
171
00:09:33,005 --> 00:09:35,030
and we're on at 3:00 a.m. So...
172
00:09:35,141 --> 00:09:39,737
Pete, let me finish.
I haven't even started yet. Okay?
173
00:09:39,845 --> 00:09:43,406
Let's take the crappy ratings aside.
Throw them aside.
174
00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:46,076
The network has taken so much flak
175
00:09:46,185 --> 00:09:49,052
for the perceived irresponsibility’s
of your show.
176
00:09:49,155 --> 00:09:51,146
I had my assistant
put together some clips.
177
00:09:51,257 --> 00:09:52,519
Oh, fun.
178
00:09:52,625 --> 00:09:57,028
Let me tell you something. I am
disturbed by what I'm seeing. Okay?
179
00:09:57,129 --> 00:10:01,828
Many of these animals are... Whoa,
something's about to go down here.
180
00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:06,166
Oh, I can smell a good time
on the horizon. Oh, that's it.
181
00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:11,300
Slice me off a piece and serve it up hot.
I'm next in line.
182
00:10:11,410 --> 00:10:12,604
Okay.
183
00:10:14,714 --> 00:10:16,181
That's okay, right?
184
00:10:16,282 --> 00:10:17,408
Sad.
185
00:10:17,516 --> 00:10:19,313
Okay? What about this?
186
00:10:21,187 --> 00:10:22,677
Hey, stick around
187
00:10:22,788 --> 00:10:26,747
because when we come back, we're
gonna find us some pygmy people.
188
00:10:31,030 --> 00:10:33,021
All right, all the littering aside,
189
00:10:33,132 --> 00:10:36,431
how do you refer
to the indigenous people, the natives,
190
00:10:36,535 --> 00:10:37,729
as pygmy people?
191
00:10:37,837 --> 00:10:38,929
That's just wrong!
192
00:10:39,038 --> 00:10:41,268
What? No.
193
00:10:41,374 --> 00:10:44,172
I like all people.
194
00:10:44,276 --> 00:10:46,335
It's Fred who's the racist.
195
00:10:46,445 --> 00:10:48,970
You ought to hear what he says
about the Chine.
196
00:10:49,081 --> 00:10:50,673
- Right?
- What?
197
00:10:50,783 --> 00:10:53,752
You are so not getting this, are you?
Take a look.
198
00:10:53,853 --> 00:10:55,218
Oh, my God!
199
00:11:02,595 --> 00:11:04,460
I mean, it's...
200
00:11:04,563 --> 00:11:08,124
Luckily we caught it on tape,
so that man will be honored.
201
00:11:08,234 --> 00:11:09,997
You wanted to honor the man
202
00:11:10,102 --> 00:11:14,129
by showing him being killed
by an alligator on your wildlife show?
203
00:11:16,008 --> 00:11:18,101
All right, what about this?
204
00:11:26,619 --> 00:11:29,417
A guy on fire at a peace rally.
205
00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:31,353
Did you guys ever think
of putting the cameras down
206
00:11:31,457 --> 00:11:32,719
and helping the guy out?
207
00:11:32,825 --> 00:11:36,386
And what was that music playing?
Some sort of Jesus music underneath?
208
00:11:36,495 --> 00:11:40,056
Was that at the rally
or did you add that? What was that?
209
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:42,497
What about this?
210
00:11:51,677 --> 00:11:54,407
Now, what the hell is that?
211
00:11:54,513 --> 00:11:58,973
It's the African wilderness.
It's natives doing a war dance.
212
00:11:59,085 --> 00:12:00,382
That's not Africa.
213
00:12:00,486 --> 00:12:03,182
Right, well, not totally.
214
00:12:03,289 --> 00:12:07,555
See, a lot of the women of the bush,
215
00:12:07,660 --> 00:12:09,958
they're not really that good-looking.
216
00:12:10,062 --> 00:12:13,828
So, we got these girls instead.
They're from Long Beach.
217
00:12:13,933 --> 00:12:15,992
Stop talking. Please.
218
00:12:16,102 --> 00:12:17,194
You know, ever since your dad died,
219
00:12:17,303 --> 00:12:19,635
the quality of the show
has gone straight downhill.
220
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:21,730
And now with the ratings in the toilet,
221
00:12:21,841 --> 00:12:24,639
there's no reason
to keep the show on the air. None.
222
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:27,042
Unless something big happens.
I have no idea.
223
00:12:27,146 --> 00:12:30,343
Okay, wait. Now, something big.
Now, what do you mean by "big"?
224
00:12:30,449 --> 00:12:33,976
Well, why are we even discussing it?
Nothing big is going to happen.
225
00:12:34,086 --> 00:12:35,553
The show sucks.
226
00:12:35,654 --> 00:12:38,452
And I am officially, right now, telling you
227
00:12:38,557 --> 00:12:40,889
that two weeks from now
the show is cancelled.
228
00:12:40,993 --> 00:12:43,962
I've given you notice.
Thanks for coming in.
229
00:12:45,831 --> 00:12:47,458
All right.
230
00:12:47,566 --> 00:12:50,899
Think. We gotta think.
Okay, we're not cancelled yet.
231
00:12:51,003 --> 00:12:52,903
Cooker, go get us
a few quarts of coffee.
232
00:12:53,005 --> 00:12:54,165
This is gonna be a long night.
233
00:12:54,273 --> 00:12:58,369
Now, may I interject for a second
and say no, politely.
234
00:12:58,477 --> 00:13:01,344
What I'm trying to say is that
you drank coffee yesterday.
235
00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:03,347
You're gonna drink coffee tomorrow.
236
00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:06,941
The point is that
I'm not some great white stallion
237
00:13:07,052 --> 00:13:09,646
sprinting from shantytown
to shantytown,
238
00:13:09,755 --> 00:13:14,124
crushing up java beans
just to bring them around to my friends.
239
00:13:14,226 --> 00:13:15,193
Come on, we gotta think.
240
00:13:15,294 --> 00:13:18,957
We gotta come up with some big idea
that's gonna keep us on the air.
241
00:13:19,064 --> 00:13:21,464
Now, come on.
Hey, Junior, how 'bout you, fresh blood?
242
00:13:21,567 --> 00:13:23,228
You got any ideas?
243
00:13:24,336 --> 00:13:25,303
Yoo-hoo.
244
00:13:25,538 --> 00:13:26,732
Hey.
245
00:13:27,439 --> 00:13:29,805
- Hey. Hey.
- Shut up.
246
00:13:32,244 --> 00:13:33,939
What? Sorry.
247
00:13:34,046 --> 00:13:35,911
Dude, what is on your eyes?
248
00:13:36,015 --> 00:13:41,078
Oh, man. Oh, yeah, this is so weird.
249
00:13:41,187 --> 00:13:43,849
It like looks like I have eyeballs
or whatever.
250
00:13:43,956 --> 00:13:47,983
I smoked some weed the other...
Oh, shit, wait, hold on.
251
00:13:48,093 --> 00:13:51,085
I smoked some weed the other night
and I think the shit was laced,
252
00:13:51,197 --> 00:13:55,600
because I went out right away
and got these tattoos on my eyelids
253
00:13:55,701 --> 00:13:57,100
to make it look like when I was sleeping
254
00:13:57,203 --> 00:13:59,694
that people would think
that I was awake.
255
00:13:59,805 --> 00:14:01,773
Pete, you know
what might drive up the ratings?
256
00:14:01,874 --> 00:14:03,307
What about a celebrity host?
257
00:14:03,409 --> 00:14:04,967
Yeah. That would be great.
258
00:14:05,077 --> 00:14:07,637
We could get someone really cool,
like Jack Nicholson.
259
00:14:07,746 --> 00:14:10,408
Oh, yeah. I know where he lives
up in the Hollywood Hills.
260
00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:12,882
I know some guys who used
to dump over his garbage cans,
261
00:14:12,985 --> 00:14:14,646
like in a jealous rage.
262
00:14:14,753 --> 00:14:16,084
You remember Fat Johnny?
263
00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:18,122
- Powers.
- Yeah, you know Powers.
264
00:14:18,224 --> 00:14:22,160
- Yeah. He's a great guy.
- They used to shower together and shit.
265
00:14:22,261 --> 00:14:24,889
Well, not shower,
but they were friends with benefits.
266
00:14:24,997 --> 00:14:27,830
- No.
- And they spent...
267
00:14:27,933 --> 00:14:28,991
Hey, how about...
268
00:14:29,101 --> 00:14:32,502
Goddamn, I know one thing.
That fat bastard can eat, man.
269
00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:36,041
Fuck, yeah. I saw him
eat a cat once. It was crazy.
270
00:14:36,141 --> 00:14:39,508
I mean, this poor cat
didn't know what was happening.
271
00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:43,515
Or maybe it was a lobster he ate.
272
00:14:43,616 --> 00:14:44,981
- Pete.
- What?
273
00:14:45,084 --> 00:14:46,676
Bill Calhoun stopped by to see you.
274
00:14:46,785 --> 00:14:48,685
Oh, great. Tell him I'll be right there.
275
00:14:48,787 --> 00:14:51,950
All right, this is good. Come on,
let's keep it up. Keep thinking.
276
00:14:52,057 --> 00:14:54,389
Who the fuck is Jack Nocknuhson?
277
00:14:58,230 --> 00:14:59,629
Hey, Bill.
278
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:03,224
- Oh, Pete. How you doing?
- Hey.
279
00:15:03,335 --> 00:15:05,098
- Caught you reminiscing, huh?
- Yeah. Yeah.
280
00:15:05,204 --> 00:15:07,434
I can't believe
how young I look in that photo.
281
00:15:07,539 --> 00:15:10,030
- Yeah, what is that? 15, 20 years?
- A lot more than that.
282
00:15:10,142 --> 00:15:12,702
Let me tell you something, Pete.
Time flies.
283
00:15:12,811 --> 00:15:15,712
Yeah. So, what brings you
down from the mountain, Bill?
284
00:15:15,814 --> 00:15:17,042
Business.
285
00:15:18,017 --> 00:15:19,314
That's Bigfoot.
286
00:15:20,552 --> 00:15:22,383
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
287
00:15:25,090 --> 00:15:26,421
Where did you get these?
288
00:15:26,525 --> 00:15:29,426
Ecuador. And I know where he's hiding.
I got the map up at my cabin.
289
00:15:29,528 --> 00:15:30,961
This is great!
290
00:15:31,063 --> 00:15:33,793
Okay, we're gonna go to your cabin,
get the map, we'll go find Bigfoot.
291
00:15:33,899 --> 00:15:35,867
You just saved Strange Wilderness, Bill.
292
00:15:35,968 --> 00:15:37,299
Not quite so fast on that.
293
00:15:37,403 --> 00:15:40,566
Pete, you know I loved your daddy
like a brother,
294
00:15:40,673 --> 00:15:44,302
but Pierson is willing to give me
$1,000 for the map.
295
00:15:44,410 --> 00:15:46,503
- $1,000?
- Look, I need the money.
296
00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:48,580
Oh, Bill!
297
00:15:48,681 --> 00:15:51,548
You can't sell the map to Pierson.
298
00:15:51,650 --> 00:15:56,246
I don't know where
I'm gonna find $1,000. Jeez! What if...
299
00:15:57,523 --> 00:16:00,549
Hey, wait.
I got something better than $1,000.
300
00:16:01,193 --> 00:16:02,319
Yeah.
301
00:16:02,428 --> 00:16:05,420
I'll give you a piece of my show!
302
00:16:05,531 --> 00:16:08,625
Well, no, no. No, no, no.
I need the money kind of fast.
303
00:16:08,734 --> 00:16:09,792
It's all about net points.
304
00:16:09,902 --> 00:16:11,392
- You're gonna make a fortune. Yeah.
- Net?
305
00:16:11,503 --> 00:16:15,303
Look, 10% gets the per diem
backend accrued cost...
306
00:16:15,407 --> 00:16:18,706
Let's see,
times the employee overhead at 525,
307
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:21,279
plus my finder's fee...
308
00:16:21,380 --> 00:16:23,007
Pete, isn't that the TV remote?
309
00:16:23,115 --> 00:16:24,582
Bill, don't change the subject!
310
00:16:24,683 --> 00:16:29,211
The point is you're gonna get 10%,
which comes out to be a fortune!
311
00:16:29,321 --> 00:16:32,313
Look, I wouldn't be doing this
if I wasn't strapped for cash!
312
00:16:32,424 --> 00:16:35,757
I gotta have 1,000 bucks,
or I gotta go to Pierson.
313
00:16:39,531 --> 00:16:42,659
All right. All right. I'll get the money.
314
00:16:42,768 --> 00:16:45,168
I'll have it in a week.
I'll see you at your cabin by the 15th.
315
00:16:45,270 --> 00:16:46,965
- By God, you got a deal.
- All right.
316
00:16:47,072 --> 00:16:49,973
I'm glad this is going to you
and not that Pierson.
317
00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:54,775
- Damn. These are great.
- Yeah.
318
00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:58,077
- And Bill knows where this is?
- Yeah, South America.
319
00:16:58,183 --> 00:17:02,517
This is exactly what we needed. Okay?
This is gonna be the biggest show ever.
320
00:17:02,621 --> 00:17:03,918
Here's the plan.
321
00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:06,583
Okay, we're gonna shoot five wildlife
shows on the way down.
322
00:17:06,692 --> 00:17:11,026
Then we're gonna pay it off with the first
ever footage of the legendary Bigfoot.
323
00:17:11,130 --> 00:17:14,793
Pete, I think you just saved the show,
you son-of-a-gun.
324
00:17:14,900 --> 00:17:17,460
Your dad'd be proud of you, boy.
325
00:17:17,569 --> 00:17:20,402
Yeah, but doggone it, I don't think
I'm gonna make the big run, fellas.
326
00:17:20,506 --> 00:17:22,098
- I just can't.
- What?
327
00:17:22,207 --> 00:17:24,869
But numb nuts here'll
run your camera for you.
328
00:17:24,977 --> 00:17:28,708
- I understand. We're gonna miss you.
- I'll miss you, too.
329
00:17:28,814 --> 00:17:32,511
Now, listen, what about that $1,000
that Bill wants for these?
330
00:17:32,618 --> 00:17:35,109
All right. I need everyone to go home,
331
00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:37,381
scrape up as much cash
as you can find, all right?
332
00:17:37,489 --> 00:17:39,957
Think of this as an investment
in your future.
333
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:42,459
If this works, we all work.
334
00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:45,428
And, people, this is gonna work.
335
00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:51,059
Hey, Debbie!
336
00:17:51,170 --> 00:17:52,330
Debbie!
337
00:17:52,438 --> 00:17:56,465
I need you to set up interviews
for an animal handler, stat!
338
00:17:57,342 --> 00:18:01,335
And for the last seven years,
I've worked at an auto body shop,
339
00:18:01,447 --> 00:18:05,781
so I don't really have any experience
in your field, per se.
340
00:18:05,884 --> 00:18:08,512
Never really handled animals before.
341
00:18:08,620 --> 00:18:10,713
But I have handled other things and...
342
00:18:10,823 --> 00:18:13,724
I don't know,
I just really need a job, so...
343
00:18:13,826 --> 00:18:15,088
Can we think about it?
344
00:18:15,194 --> 00:18:19,631
Yeah. And not very hard?
You really needing a job is depressing.
345
00:18:19,731 --> 00:18:23,531
You smell of desperation.
I mean, who wants to be around that?
346
00:18:23,635 --> 00:18:28,072
Well, I wouldn't smell like desperation
if I had the job, right?
347
00:18:28,173 --> 00:18:31,472
Well, if you want,
we could hire you, fire you,
348
00:18:31,577 --> 00:18:33,101
push you into a mud puddle,
349
00:18:33,212 --> 00:18:37,012
and then you can keep this
whole sad sack train chugging along.
350
00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:39,084
Jesus, man,
a month on the road with this guy,
351
00:18:39,184 --> 00:18:41,709
I'd shove an exhaust pipe
through my fucking heart.
352
00:18:41,820 --> 00:18:44,118
Yeah, why don't you go
make a blues album?
353
00:18:44,223 --> 00:18:47,215
Yeah, you could call it
"I'm a Poor, Little Sad Sack."
354
00:18:47,893 --> 00:18:48,917
No job.
355
00:18:49,027 --> 00:18:51,587
Next! Debbie!
356
00:18:51,697 --> 00:18:54,131
I don't want the job.
Thank you, but no thanks.
357
00:18:54,233 --> 00:18:56,133
Next applicant!
358
00:18:56,235 --> 00:18:57,429
No, thank you.
359
00:18:57,536 --> 00:18:59,697
Maybe you can offer the job
to a crazy person.
360
00:18:59,805 --> 00:19:00,863
You'll have better luck.
361
00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:02,770
Next!
362
00:19:02,875 --> 00:19:04,809
You guys are out of your fucking minds.
363
00:19:04,910 --> 00:19:08,471
Yeah. Yeah. Run back to junior high.
It'll be great.
364
00:19:08,580 --> 00:19:10,946
Debbie! Debbie!
365
00:19:11,049 --> 00:19:12,482
You're off-the-chart nuts!
366
00:19:12,584 --> 00:19:13,551
Next!
367
00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:14,880
- You're insane!
- Next!
368
00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:16,978
- And rude!
- Debbie!
369
00:19:17,089 --> 00:19:22,721
- Debbie!
- Next!
370
00:19:24,429 --> 00:19:27,125
Well, welcome aboard, Whitaker.
We're gonna have a great trip.
371
00:19:27,232 --> 00:19:29,427
Thanks for hiring me, guys.
I really appreciate it.
372
00:19:29,535 --> 00:19:32,333
I just want you to know I'm gonna
apply myself and do the best I can
373
00:19:32,437 --> 00:19:34,598
to be the best animal handler
you guys have ever had.
374
00:19:34,706 --> 00:19:37,869
I know I don't know a lot about animals,
but I'm gonna learn, I'm gonna read.
375
00:19:37,976 --> 00:19:40,843
I feel like I got a handle on, you know,
what the best way to be an animal, so...
376
00:19:40,946 --> 00:19:42,573
- Good job.
- Keep it up.
377
00:19:43,949 --> 00:19:45,849
Okay, take care now.
378
00:19:45,951 --> 00:19:49,079
Well, hello. So, Cheryl, I'm sure this...
379
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:52,487
Glad you could join us.
This is Cheryl, Fred.
380
00:19:52,591 --> 00:19:56,049
- Hi. How are you?
- Cheryl's friends with cousin Bob.
381
00:19:56,161 --> 00:19:57,628
Travel agent.
382
00:19:57,729 --> 00:19:59,492
Yeah. She's gonna...
383
00:19:59,598 --> 00:20:03,227
I'm sorry, Bob did not tell me
that you were so damn...
384
00:20:05,003 --> 00:20:06,129
Sorry?
385
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:08,400
Nothing.
386
00:20:09,575 --> 00:20:10,735
Okay.
387
00:20:11,643 --> 00:20:16,273
Okay, the plan is, all right, is to head
towards the coast through the Mojave
388
00:20:16,381 --> 00:20:19,316
and then we'll just make a quick detour
to the Tribily Mountains
389
00:20:19,418 --> 00:20:21,978
to Bill Calhoun's cabin,
grab the map and cross the border.
390
00:20:22,087 --> 00:20:23,850
Great. Good job, Cheryl.
391
00:20:23,956 --> 00:20:26,584
Gotta go. Keep on keeping on.
392
00:20:26,692 --> 00:20:30,059
- Oh, yeah.
- Okay.
393
00:20:30,162 --> 00:20:32,096
You know, she seems nice.
I really like her.
394
00:20:32,197 --> 00:20:36,429
Oh, man, halfway through this trip,
she'll fall for me.
395
00:20:36,535 --> 00:20:38,935
- I'll be laying some serious pipe.
- Oh, yeah.
396
00:20:39,037 --> 00:20:40,368
- Hi, what's up?
- Hey!
397
00:20:40,472 --> 00:20:43,100
I just felt like I should assure you,
you know, I get it.
398
00:20:43,208 --> 00:20:45,699
I mean, you guys have been together
for a really, really long time.
399
00:20:45,811 --> 00:20:47,005
You're about to go out
into the wilderness.
400
00:20:47,112 --> 00:20:49,205
I mean, the last thing you need
is a woman in your midst
401
00:20:49,314 --> 00:20:51,714
to short-circuit the whole process.
402
00:20:51,817 --> 00:20:53,148
Debbie the downer, right?
403
00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:56,278
"Oh, no, can't talk amongst ourselves.
Here she comes," you know?
404
00:20:56,388 --> 00:20:58,219
I'm not gonna
bring that to the table, okay?
405
00:20:58,323 --> 00:21:01,417
Like the whole "laying pipe" thing?
It's funny. It really is funny.
406
00:21:01,526 --> 00:21:03,016
You know, I get it.
I know how that works.
407
00:21:03,128 --> 00:21:04,618
You make an announcement like that,
408
00:21:04,730 --> 00:21:06,891
all your friends laugh,
they think you're into girls
409
00:21:06,999 --> 00:21:08,466
and you make it through another day.
410
00:21:08,567 --> 00:21:12,003
But look, I mean, if you wanna
fight the fight and keep on keeping on,
411
00:21:12,104 --> 00:21:16,541
like the gay kids like to say,
well, that's your own prerogative.
412
00:21:16,642 --> 00:21:19,975
Sorry, I think it's the...
Yep, it's the liaison from Mexico.
413
00:21:25,083 --> 00:21:27,415
What just happened?
414
00:21:27,519 --> 00:21:29,612
Shit, I don't know.
415
00:21:29,721 --> 00:21:33,589
I'm no longer so sure
about that laying the pipe thing, though.
416
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:39,124
Cooker, I thought I told you
to put this stuff in the RV.
417
00:21:39,231 --> 00:21:42,029
Oh, man, it's already in there.
418
00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:45,433
I'm looking right at it! It's not in the RV!
419
00:21:45,537 --> 00:21:47,869
- Oh, this stuff?
- Yeah.
420
00:21:47,973 --> 00:21:50,601
Oh, no, yeah,
this stuff's not in the RV yet.
421
00:21:52,511 --> 00:21:55,002
God damn it.
Five minutes to get from the...
422
00:21:55,113 --> 00:21:58,207
I got 10 more feet to get in the RV,
anybody else wanna say something?
423
00:21:58,317 --> 00:21:59,784
All right, yeah, hey...
424
00:21:59,885 --> 00:22:03,753
- I'm sorry. Sorry. Hi.
- Sorry. Hi.
425
00:22:03,855 --> 00:22:04,913
I forgot what I was gonna say.
426
00:22:05,023 --> 00:22:06,251
- Me too, then. Okay.
- Okay.
427
00:22:06,358 --> 00:22:09,953
Pete. This oil looks a little thick.
Maybe I should add some water.
428
00:22:10,962 --> 00:22:12,156
Sure.
429
00:22:13,598 --> 00:22:14,758
Okay.
430
00:22:15,834 --> 00:22:17,495
Locked and loaded.
Over and out. Let's go.
431
00:22:17,602 --> 00:22:18,728
Shit.
432
00:23:19,498 --> 00:23:23,127
Have you guys ever tried to poop
and brush your teeth at the same time?
433
00:23:23,235 --> 00:23:24,896
- It's fucking hard.
- Nice.
434
00:23:27,906 --> 00:23:32,866
If you're my stepmom Phyllis,
then fuck you
435
00:23:34,780 --> 00:23:37,442
If you're my new brothers and sisters
436
00:23:37,549 --> 00:23:42,646
Dakota and Breckenridge,
then fuck you, too
437
00:23:42,754 --> 00:23:44,847
Listen up, world
438
00:23:46,191 --> 00:23:51,094
Hey, Dad, why'd you marry that ho?
439
00:23:51,196 --> 00:23:53,960
Hey, three-letter word for "man."
440
00:23:55,967 --> 00:23:57,195
Dude.
441
00:23:57,302 --> 00:24:00,271
That's four letters. Dud. Dud, maybe.
442
00:24:01,373 --> 00:24:04,774
By the way, isn't that like
your fourth beer this morning?
443
00:24:04,876 --> 00:24:07,845
What? It's just a cordial.
444
00:24:07,946 --> 00:24:10,278
- Bottle snack.
- God.
445
00:24:10,816 --> 00:24:15,150
Don't tell me to turn my music down
446
00:24:17,756 --> 00:24:19,587
Because there's tons
of different opinions
447
00:24:19,691 --> 00:24:24,492
On what the volume of music
that should be played in your house is
448
00:24:26,231 --> 00:24:31,134
Plus, we all know Phyllis has
super-fucking-sensitive hearing
449
00:24:32,637 --> 00:24:39,566
I don't think it's right for her to tell me
to turn off my fucking music
450
00:24:41,780 --> 00:24:44,112
Hey, look, everybody, sea lions!
451
00:24:47,419 --> 00:24:49,387
All right, let's hustle down there
and shoot some of this.
452
00:24:49,488 --> 00:24:52,116
This should be a perfect show
on our way to Bigfoot country.
453
00:24:52,224 --> 00:24:53,714
Hey, Danny, get your seal...
454
00:24:53,825 --> 00:24:56,419
Yo, yo, I'm way ahead of you morons.
455
00:24:56,528 --> 00:24:58,519
I'm gonna sneak up
on these fucking bad boys
456
00:24:58,630 --> 00:25:01,224
and get you guys angles
that'll blow you away.
457
00:25:15,914 --> 00:25:17,779
Okay, great. Let's go.
458
00:25:20,552 --> 00:25:24,113
En route to Bill Calhoun's cabin,
we had time to meet up
459
00:25:24,222 --> 00:25:29,558
with some of nature's
most awesome creatures, Mr. Sea Lion.
460
00:25:29,661 --> 00:25:32,994
No matter how many sea lions
are eaten each year by sharks,
461
00:25:33,098 --> 00:25:35,862
it never seems like enough.
462
00:25:35,967 --> 00:25:37,696
When a shark appears in the area,
463
00:25:37,802 --> 00:25:40,464
sea lions
will leave the water immediately.
464
00:25:40,572 --> 00:25:43,666
Luckily, there are no tigers on shore
waiting for him,
465
00:25:43,775 --> 00:25:46,243
or he wouldn't know what the fuck to do.
466
00:25:46,344 --> 00:25:48,904
A sea lion's main diet is fish,
467
00:25:49,014 --> 00:25:51,539
of which there are
many different species.
468
00:25:51,650 --> 00:25:53,811
Here we see the puffer fish.
469
00:25:53,919 --> 00:25:59,516
Our best guess is that this fish inflates
by sucking its balls into its stomach.
470
00:25:59,624 --> 00:26:01,785
This odd-looking fish
is called a squiggly.
471
00:26:01,893 --> 00:26:03,554
Wait, dude, can I just talk?
Can I just say one thing?
472
00:26:03,662 --> 00:26:05,323
Dude, give me the fucking...
473
00:26:05,430 --> 00:26:06,920
- Please, please. Really.
- Give me the fucking microphone.
474
00:26:07,032 --> 00:26:09,330
- Why is that pink thong running so fast?
- God.
475
00:26:09,434 --> 00:26:10,401
Sorry.
476
00:26:10,502 --> 00:26:13,630
Dude, this is a show about sea lions,
God damn it.
477
00:26:13,738 --> 00:26:16,263
But to get closer
to these remarkable creatures,
478
00:26:16,374 --> 00:26:19,901
we put our driver, Danny Gutierrez,
in a sea lion costume.
479
00:26:20,011 --> 00:26:24,744
Unfortunately, after only a few seconds,
Danny was attacked by a shark.
480
00:26:24,849 --> 00:26:28,808
Oh, fuck! Oh, no, no, no!
Leave him alone!
481
00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:34,187
No, get off him, he's my friend!
Please stop it!
482
00:26:37,596 --> 00:26:41,760
Wow. I'm just blown away
by how violent that was.
483
00:26:41,866 --> 00:26:46,326
Those razor-sharp teeth
were as sharp as razors.
484
00:26:47,806 --> 00:26:50,366
It was just so gruesome, you know?
485
00:26:50,475 --> 00:26:54,969
All the thrashing and all the blood...
486
00:26:56,348 --> 00:26:57,542
It's okay. It's okay.
487
00:26:57,649 --> 00:27:00,584
Yeah. No, he's... It's gonna be okay.
488
00:27:00,685 --> 00:27:04,815
I mean, these things happen.
I mean, not all the time, but still.
489
00:27:04,923 --> 00:27:06,151
Cheryl,
490
00:27:07,158 --> 00:27:08,887
just thank you for being my friend.
491
00:27:08,994 --> 00:27:10,222
Thanks.
492
00:27:13,264 --> 00:27:15,425
You are such an asshole!
493
00:27:15,533 --> 00:27:19,765
Oh, shit, two funny things at once.
494
00:27:19,871 --> 00:27:22,066
I was trying to help you feel better.
495
00:27:22,173 --> 00:27:24,869
Then you hit me in the head.
Now there's a bump on my head.
496
00:27:24,976 --> 00:27:26,876
It looks like a dinosaur egg.
497
00:27:26,978 --> 00:27:29,003
If that dinosaur hatches,
498
00:27:29,114 --> 00:27:32,379
people are gonna think I'm
some sort of prehistoric gentleman bird.
499
00:27:32,484 --> 00:27:34,247
And how the fuck do you think
that makes me...
500
00:27:34,352 --> 00:27:37,321
It's fine. It's fine. I'll get over it.
501
00:27:37,422 --> 00:27:39,754
Hey, guys, look at that bug over there.
502
00:27:41,426 --> 00:27:43,087
Oh, yeah.
503
00:27:43,194 --> 00:27:45,856
Hey, break out the equipment.
504
00:27:45,964 --> 00:27:49,866
As long as we're here we might as well
roll some footage, right? Come on.
505
00:27:49,968 --> 00:27:52,436
Junior, get over here.
506
00:27:52,537 --> 00:27:55,472
Look at this. This is great.
Get in here, right now.
507
00:27:55,573 --> 00:27:59,475
Get that right there.
Wait, I got a noise. Hold on.
508
00:28:01,346 --> 00:28:02,643
Go ahead.
509
00:28:05,316 --> 00:28:06,749
Excuse me!
510
00:28:06,851 --> 00:28:09,615
Gentlemen, hi.
We're trying to do a shoot here
511
00:28:09,721 --> 00:28:12,781
and we were just wondering if you could
maybe stop honking the horn
512
00:28:12,891 --> 00:28:14,449
until we're finished?
513
00:28:14,559 --> 00:28:17,824
No speak de inglés, buey.
I need $100, por favor.
514
00:28:17,929 --> 00:28:20,454
- Are you trying to blackmail us?
- Hey, you know.
515
00:28:20,565 --> 00:28:22,157
Hola, cómo estás? How are you?
516
00:28:24,836 --> 00:28:26,963
I'll stop honking for $100, okay?
517
00:28:27,072 --> 00:28:30,633
Let me handle this.
I speak the language of their people.
518
00:28:38,983 --> 00:28:40,814
Is time
519
00:28:42,887 --> 00:28:47,415
to stop de horn from honking,
520
00:28:47,525 --> 00:28:48,753
please?
521
00:28:55,934 --> 00:28:58,232
Let me try a different approach.
522
00:28:59,704 --> 00:29:03,504
No, no, no, no! Slow it down, brother.
Let's talk this out.
523
00:29:03,608 --> 00:29:04,836
I ain't gonna talk, homes.
I'm gonna punch!
524
00:29:04,943 --> 00:29:06,240
No, you don't wanna do that,
525
00:29:06,344 --> 00:29:08,335
'cause that's gonna cause
some serious trouble, brother.
526
00:29:08,446 --> 00:29:10,038
For who,
you Super Mario-looking motherfucker?
527
00:29:10,148 --> 00:29:12,673
Actually, it's gonna cause some
trouble for you and let me explain why.
528
00:29:12,784 --> 00:29:15,309
- 'Cause see, you're a big, powerful man.
- That's true, homes.
529
00:29:15,420 --> 00:29:18,287
Actually, you're so powerful,
and he's such a pussy,
530
00:29:18,389 --> 00:29:20,118
your punch is probably gonna kill him.
531
00:29:20,225 --> 00:29:22,693
And then what?
They're gonna fry you, homes.
532
00:29:22,794 --> 00:29:26,389
All right. Well, what about the scratch
he put on my front hood?
533
00:29:26,498 --> 00:29:28,398
I didn't go near your front hood, man.
534
00:29:28,500 --> 00:29:30,900
Yeah, you did, homes. It's right there.
Take a look, pussy.
535
00:29:31,002 --> 00:29:33,197
- Yeah, look at it, pussy!
- Fuck you, Fred!
536
00:29:33,304 --> 00:29:34,271
Hey, you too, homes.
537
00:29:34,372 --> 00:29:37,034
Take a look. Lean closer, both of you.
Look, closer. You see it?
538
00:29:37,142 --> 00:29:38,837
I don't see any scratch.
539
00:29:40,979 --> 00:29:43,379
You just got knocked the fuck out!
540
00:29:49,087 --> 00:29:50,816
Oh, my God.
541
00:29:50,922 --> 00:29:55,621
Hello. We would like
to see a dentist, please.
542
00:29:55,727 --> 00:29:59,561
Well, have a seat, and the dentist
will be able to see you in about an hour.
543
00:29:59,664 --> 00:30:03,191
I'm sorry. Did you just say, "Have a seat,
544
00:30:03,301 --> 00:30:06,464
"and the dentist will be able to see you
in about an hour"?
545
00:30:06,571 --> 00:30:10,974
There are a couple of people in front
of you. Would you like a magazine?
546
00:30:11,075 --> 00:30:13,009
I'll take a Batman magazine.
547
00:30:13,111 --> 00:30:18,139
Dude, that's a comic book.
She said "magazine."
548
00:30:18,249 --> 00:30:22,015
I'm sorry about that.
I'll have a Penthouse?
549
00:30:22,120 --> 00:30:24,748
We don't have
Penthouse magazine, sir.
550
00:30:29,427 --> 00:30:31,520
I guess we'll wait.
551
00:30:38,369 --> 00:30:40,735
- Fred?
- Yeah?
552
00:30:40,839 --> 00:30:42,739
- Go color.
- All right.
553
00:30:45,643 --> 00:30:48,339
No magazines.
554
00:30:48,446 --> 00:30:50,277
A whole hour to kill.
555
00:30:51,883 --> 00:30:54,078
Hello there.
556
00:30:55,320 --> 00:30:57,652
Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
557
00:31:00,425 --> 00:31:02,950
All right, everybody, listen up.
558
00:31:03,061 --> 00:31:05,552
We're flat busted. We're broke.
559
00:31:08,733 --> 00:31:11,930
Two days on the road
and we're already fucked.
560
00:31:12,036 --> 00:31:15,335
Hey, guys! Check this shit out.
561
00:31:15,440 --> 00:31:18,807
Boosted some nitrous from
the dentist's office. It was so awesome.
562
00:31:18,910 --> 00:31:21,105
I just, like, grabbed it and they were
like, "What are you doing?"
563
00:31:21,212 --> 00:31:25,308
And I go, "It's cool, man.
I'm a dentist, I need to use this shit."
564
00:31:25,416 --> 00:31:27,247
Do you know what this shit is worth
on the street, man?
565
00:31:27,352 --> 00:31:29,582
This is like $1,000.
566
00:31:29,687 --> 00:31:31,120
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, I know.
567
00:31:31,222 --> 00:31:34,589
You've got to put that back, okay? Fuck!
568
00:31:34,692 --> 00:31:38,389
We cannot afford to get busted
stealing nitrous.
569
00:31:38,496 --> 00:31:42,455
Okay. So most of us think
that we should keep the nitrous,
570
00:31:42,567 --> 00:31:46,230
sell it so we can finance the entire trip,
save Strange Wilderness.
571
00:31:46,337 --> 00:31:49,864
And deep down inside so does Cheryl,
so it's unanimous.
572
00:31:49,974 --> 00:31:52,067
Let's do it! This is gonna work out!
573
00:31:52,176 --> 00:31:54,041
- Thank you, Cheryl!
- All right!
574
00:32:13,398 --> 00:32:16,026
Are you guys feeling kind of weird?
575
00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:24,704
All right! How are we feeling?
576
00:32:45,129 --> 00:32:48,257
Oh, my head hurts so bad.
577
00:32:48,366 --> 00:32:51,460
- This nitrous thing's empty.
- It is?
578
00:32:51,569 --> 00:32:54,163
Well, there goes that thousand dollars
we were gonna make.
579
00:32:54,272 --> 00:32:55,864
We're broke!
580
00:33:04,482 --> 00:33:07,383
Yeah, this is it. Bill's place.
581
00:33:18,029 --> 00:33:21,362
Where in the hell have you guys been?
You're three days late.
582
00:33:22,467 --> 00:33:24,025
Wipe your feet.
583
00:33:27,338 --> 00:33:31,741
Whoa, Bill. Going a little nuts up here?
584
00:33:31,843 --> 00:33:33,674
Somebody's ready for Armageddon.
585
00:33:33,778 --> 00:33:36,076
Look, I tried calling you guys.
586
00:33:36,180 --> 00:33:39,206
- I sold the map.
- What? You sold it?
587
00:33:39,317 --> 00:33:41,148
Well, I had to, to Pierson.
588
00:33:41,252 --> 00:33:42,276
- Pierson?
- Pierson?
589
00:33:42,387 --> 00:33:43,513
Oh, my God.
590
00:33:43,621 --> 00:33:46,613
- Why'd you do it? We had a deal!
- You're three days late.
591
00:33:46,724 --> 00:33:48,521
I didn't think you were coming.
You didn't call.
592
00:33:48,626 --> 00:33:51,060
And like I told you back in the office,
I needed the money.
593
00:33:51,162 --> 00:33:53,596
Wait, so, he's halfway
to finding Bigfoot by now.
594
00:33:53,698 --> 00:33:56,792
- Yeah.
- Great! I can't believe it.
595
00:33:56,901 --> 00:33:59,165
Bill, what did you need the money
so bad for?
596
00:33:59,270 --> 00:34:02,728
Lithium and Darvon, Pete.
Depression eats at me day and night.
597
00:34:02,840 --> 00:34:06,105
I live in a world of paranoia,
as you can tell.
598
00:34:06,210 --> 00:34:07,768
I'm sorry, Pete.
599
00:34:08,980 --> 00:34:11,141
It's okay, Bill. It's okay.
600
00:34:12,483 --> 00:34:14,508
Hey, wait a minute.
601
00:34:14,619 --> 00:34:16,678
Hold on a second.
602
00:34:16,788 --> 00:34:20,053
I think I know a way to make
my paranoia pay off for you guys.
603
00:34:20,158 --> 00:34:23,491
Go out and change clothes and come
back and I got something to show you.
604
00:34:23,594 --> 00:34:27,530
- Okay.
- Yeah, this is gonna work out, I hope.
605
00:34:27,632 --> 00:34:30,624
All right, here's the deal. I sold
Pierson the map, fair and square, right?
606
00:34:30,735 --> 00:34:33,067
He's got a three-day head start,
he's got no complaints.
607
00:34:33,171 --> 00:34:36,663
So nobody can say I can't give you guys
a copy of the map, now is there?
608
00:34:36,774 --> 00:34:38,537
I'm gonna find you one.
609
00:34:38,643 --> 00:34:41,544
See, at one point or another during the
day they were walking around here,
610
00:34:41,646 --> 00:34:43,671
reading the map
under these security cameras.
611
00:34:43,781 --> 00:34:46,750
Now all I gotta do is find it
and zoom in on it.
612
00:34:46,851 --> 00:34:48,978
- Hey, did you see that?
- What?
613
00:34:49,087 --> 00:34:51,920
That's just me saying goodbye
to the wife 'fore I went out hunting.
614
00:34:52,023 --> 00:34:54,082
- Back that up.
- Okay.
615
00:35:01,032 --> 00:35:03,193
What the hell's she doing?
616
00:35:03,301 --> 00:35:08,466
Hey, that's Pierson,
and he's going into my bedroom.
617
00:35:10,141 --> 00:35:11,472
God.
618
00:35:13,211 --> 00:35:15,873
Oh, work it.
619
00:35:15,980 --> 00:35:19,245
Oh, slice me off a piece of that.
I got a sweet tooth.
620
00:35:19,350 --> 00:35:23,946
Oh, my God. I'll ask for second helpings
on that and still lick the plate...
621
00:35:25,089 --> 00:35:27,489
Pierson is an asshole!
622
00:35:27,592 --> 00:35:29,992
All right, all bets are off.
I'm gonna find you that map,
623
00:35:30,094 --> 00:35:33,461
and you're gonna find Bigfoot before
that degenerate pervert bastard does.
624
00:35:33,564 --> 00:35:35,691
- Yeah, we are.
- Come on, come on.
625
00:35:35,800 --> 00:35:39,201
Walk to the camera like a good
little puppet now. All right, now.
626
00:35:39,303 --> 00:35:41,498
Going to camera three.
627
00:35:41,606 --> 00:35:45,702
There it is. There it is.
Now all I gotta do is zoom in on it and...
628
00:35:45,810 --> 00:35:46,834
Bingo!
629
00:35:46,944 --> 00:35:49,037
Pierson may have the map
and a three-days' head start,
630
00:35:49,147 --> 00:35:50,512
but that won't be enough.
631
00:35:50,615 --> 00:35:51,673
Thanks.
632
00:35:51,782 --> 00:35:55,445
Because now you have the map and I'm
gonna give you a little something extra.
633
00:35:55,553 --> 00:35:57,578
His name is Gus Hayden.
634
00:35:57,688 --> 00:36:00,748
You are shitting me.
You know Bigfoot's name?
635
00:36:00,858 --> 00:36:05,522
No, no, Pete.
This tracker, his name is Gus Hayden.
636
00:36:05,630 --> 00:36:07,257
Now, Gus and I
were in Vietnam together.
637
00:36:07,365 --> 00:36:10,698
He is the best that ever lived.
He's practically supernatural.
638
00:36:10,801 --> 00:36:13,463
Now, if anybody can help you find
Bigfoot before these assholes,
639
00:36:13,571 --> 00:36:15,368
it's Gus Hayden.
640
00:36:15,473 --> 00:36:20,467
Now, he normally charges 3,000 bucks
but I'm gonna get him to do it for 500.
641
00:36:20,578 --> 00:36:22,011
500.
642
00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:25,105
We're at
643
00:36:27,451 --> 00:36:29,646
- 14 bucks.
- What?
644
00:36:29,754 --> 00:36:32,814
It's a long story, but,
yeah, we're broke, Bill.
645
00:36:32,924 --> 00:36:35,392
Well, so am I or I'd loan you the money.
646
00:36:35,493 --> 00:36:38,485
'Cause now you not only gotta find
Bigfoot to save your show,
647
00:36:38,596 --> 00:36:41,565
you gotta find Bigfoot
to screw over Pierson.
648
00:36:41,666 --> 00:36:43,224
I don't know
how you gonna raise that cash
649
00:36:43,334 --> 00:36:45,097
but you gotta promise me one thing.
650
00:36:45,203 --> 00:36:49,333
When you catch up to Pierson, you give
him a shot square in the face for me.
651
00:36:50,608 --> 00:36:54,544
Shit, man. We can't raise 500 bucks.
652
00:36:54,645 --> 00:36:56,442
Sounds like we're screwed.
653
00:36:56,547 --> 00:36:59,038
That's great.
Trip's over before it even began.
654
00:36:59,150 --> 00:37:02,119
Hey, Pete,
I got some great beaver footage.
655
00:37:02,220 --> 00:37:04,916
- That's great. I gotta go take a leak.
- Yeah.
656
00:37:05,022 --> 00:37:08,617
Look, we'll go into town
and, I don't know, do something.
657
00:37:10,328 --> 00:37:11,761
Why, what's going on?
658
00:37:11,862 --> 00:37:13,386
Money problems.
659
00:37:28,813 --> 00:37:32,943
Hi there, little guys.
I didn't see you there.
660
00:37:34,218 --> 00:37:36,345
Almost got you, huh?
661
00:37:36,454 --> 00:37:38,854
Hey, where's mama turkey?
662
00:37:38,956 --> 00:37:40,446
Oh, my God!
663
00:37:43,361 --> 00:37:48,594
What's the turkey doing?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
664
00:37:49,300 --> 00:37:50,665
Oh, my God!
665
00:37:53,337 --> 00:37:54,895
Oh, my God!
666
00:37:55,006 --> 00:37:56,303
Oh, my God!
667
00:37:56,407 --> 00:37:57,874
Look out!
668
00:38:02,079 --> 00:38:03,740
It's surprising, really.
669
00:38:03,848 --> 00:38:06,942
Now, its gag reflexes
should have kicked in by now.
670
00:38:07,051 --> 00:38:09,713
Nurse, I want you to massage
the neck of the turkey
671
00:38:09,820 --> 00:38:12,118
and let's see
if we can relax this little fella.
672
00:38:12,223 --> 00:38:14,282
- Yes, Doctor.
- Junior, turn off the camera.
673
00:38:14,392 --> 00:38:16,986
- Okay, I'll get another angle.
- Now relax. Just relax.
674
00:38:17,094 --> 00:38:20,757
Oh, nice.
You got mad, good medical skills.
675
00:38:21,465 --> 00:38:25,663
Relax, Mr. Turkey. Relax. Relax.
676
00:38:25,770 --> 00:38:27,829
Walk up the beak.
677
00:38:27,938 --> 00:38:30,270
I spit in my hand when I do that.
678
00:38:30,374 --> 00:38:34,174
Oh, Christ. You've got to be kidding me.
679
00:38:34,278 --> 00:38:37,475
Doctor, he has an erection.
680
00:38:37,581 --> 00:38:40,448
You need to stifle your sexual response.
681
00:38:40,551 --> 00:38:43,179
You're only tightening yourself
inside its neck.
682
00:38:43,287 --> 00:38:45,152
Doc, the nurse is fucking hot.
683
00:38:46,190 --> 00:38:48,215
Can somebody else
do me, please? Fred?
684
00:38:48,326 --> 00:38:49,884
Fuck that, dude.
685
00:38:49,994 --> 00:38:51,689
- Whitaker?
- Whitaker, what?
686
00:38:51,796 --> 00:38:53,559
What? You're the animal handler, man.
687
00:38:53,664 --> 00:38:56,633
Bullshit, I was a car mechanic
last week, man.
688
00:38:56,734 --> 00:38:58,998
Now, if you want me to change
the spark plugs on the RV, I'll do that,
689
00:38:59,103 --> 00:39:00,127
but I'm not gonna handle you.
690
00:39:00,237 --> 00:39:03,866
I think a little shot of Demerol
ought to relax it.
691
00:39:03,974 --> 00:39:05,498
That went right into my dick!
692
00:39:05,609 --> 00:39:08,237
Well, that really
shouldn't have happened. Sorry.
693
00:39:08,346 --> 00:39:11,179
Well, now that the Demerol's probably
coursing through your system,
694
00:39:11,282 --> 00:39:13,182
it could complicate things.
695
00:39:13,284 --> 00:39:14,342
Here's an idea.
696
00:39:14,452 --> 00:39:17,182
Mr. Gaulke, can you urinate?
697
00:39:17,288 --> 00:39:20,689
That might do it. It might
stimulate the turkey's gag reflex.
698
00:39:20,791 --> 00:39:23,726
You want him
to piss that turkey off his hog?
699
00:39:23,828 --> 00:39:26,296
Well, I mean,
put yourself in the turkey's position...
700
00:39:26,397 --> 00:39:30,857
Doctor, I believe that this young turkey
hasn't yet come out of the closet.
701
00:39:30,968 --> 00:39:34,768
So, if we could take a snapshot of it
getting gay with Peter here,
702
00:39:34,872 --> 00:39:38,205
we can maybe threaten
to send it to his father.
703
00:39:38,309 --> 00:39:40,277
And then he'll be like,
"No, don't tell my dad."
704
00:39:40,378 --> 00:39:42,175
And he'll stop blowing Peter.
705
00:39:43,581 --> 00:39:46,015
Or we could chop his fucking head off.
706
00:39:47,585 --> 00:39:49,849
Holy hell! He did!
707
00:39:49,954 --> 00:39:51,216
He found our turkey!
708
00:39:51,322 --> 00:39:53,381
We've been searching for her
for three months.
709
00:39:53,491 --> 00:39:55,982
How in the hell
did she get caught up in this position?
710
00:39:56,093 --> 00:39:57,754
Yeah, it's Maggie, all right.
711
00:39:57,862 --> 00:39:59,329
You know what?
You guys can have her back
712
00:39:59,430 --> 00:40:00,920
right after we chop her head off.
713
00:40:01,031 --> 00:40:02,396
No, you can't kill it.
714
00:40:02,500 --> 00:40:04,968
This bird is part of an ongoing
government study. We want her back.
715
00:40:05,069 --> 00:40:08,197
Look, there is a $5,000 reward
for her alive.
716
00:40:08,305 --> 00:40:11,900
$5,000? Whoa, hey! Doc, no.
Hold on a second.
717
00:40:12,009 --> 00:40:13,169
Gentlemen.
718
00:40:13,277 --> 00:40:14,437
Now that we have the map
719
00:40:14,545 --> 00:40:17,446
and we're gonna get five grand
for this stupid bird here,
720
00:40:17,548 --> 00:40:19,675
we can go get Gus Hayden, the tracker.
721
00:40:19,784 --> 00:40:22,878
Come on, everyone, jump in.
Let's yank this sucker right off.
722
00:40:22,987 --> 00:40:25,182
- Did you just say yank?
- Yes, we did.
723
00:40:25,289 --> 00:40:26,654
I'm gonna be gentle, but firm.
724
00:40:26,757 --> 00:40:29,419
One, two, three.
725
00:41:04,628 --> 00:41:05,856
Fucking Federales, dude.
726
00:41:05,963 --> 00:41:08,022
I got weed on me.
I'll meet you on the other side.
727
00:41:08,132 --> 00:41:10,532
Don't worry, I'll take care of this.
728
00:41:10,634 --> 00:41:12,303
Hold on. Back up here.
729
00:41:13,838 --> 00:41:15,135
Excuse me.
730
00:41:15,239 --> 00:41:20,700
Let us into Mexico, please?
731
00:41:26,050 --> 00:41:29,383
Okay, so, thank you!
I guess I checked out, then.
732
00:41:30,788 --> 00:41:33,552
Look at that! I guess our RV is tore up.
733
00:41:33,657 --> 00:41:35,557
Well, guess we'll have to take a plane
the rest of the way.
734
00:41:35,659 --> 00:41:36,887
Oh, well. Come on, let's go.
735
00:41:36,994 --> 00:41:39,724
- Dude, what happened in there, man?
- Nothing. Really cool people.
736
00:41:39,830 --> 00:41:41,127
So, come on, let's book.
737
00:41:41,232 --> 00:41:42,597
What, really?
I mean, everything okay in there?
738
00:41:42,700 --> 00:41:44,099
- 'Cause you look really pale.
- Yeah.
739
00:41:44,201 --> 00:41:46,965
That's because I wear sun block,
you ass. Okay?
740
00:41:47,071 --> 00:41:49,403
So, come on, let's grab that airplane
and get out of here.
741
00:41:53,177 --> 00:41:56,010
- So, what happened in that room?
- Drop it.
742
00:41:56,113 --> 00:41:58,377
- Drop what?
- Okay, look, they...
743
00:41:58,482 --> 00:42:01,645
Oh, come on! I come in peace, brother.
Come on.
744
00:42:01,752 --> 00:42:04,448
You guys, the plane's boarding.
Come on.
745
00:42:04,555 --> 00:42:06,955
Hey guys, I need to tell you something.
746
00:42:07,057 --> 00:42:09,150
What, you're quitting?
Come on, no, it's...
747
00:42:09,260 --> 00:42:11,854
No, no, I'm not quitting.
It's actually the opposite.
748
00:42:11,962 --> 00:42:13,259
I wanted to thank you guys.
749
00:42:13,364 --> 00:42:17,892
I took this job 'cause I needed it,
but I also took it for other reasons.
750
00:42:18,002 --> 00:42:21,631
I figured a trip into the jungle would
be a kind of a forced sobriety for me,
751
00:42:21,739 --> 00:42:25,334
and that's something
I really need in my life.
752
00:42:25,442 --> 00:42:28,605
My name's Bill W.
and I'm an alcoholic.
753
00:42:28,712 --> 00:42:30,543
- Hey, Bill.
- Hi, Bill.
754
00:42:30,648 --> 00:42:33,515
Because of that, I've never really fit in
anywhere, you know?
755
00:42:33,617 --> 00:42:38,452
I want to tell you guys.
Couple days ago, I took my last drink.
756
00:42:38,556 --> 00:42:43,152
And then I did yesterday, and, well,
God willing, this'll really be the last one.
757
00:42:43,260 --> 00:42:46,889
'Cause we're going to the jungle and
I got some tough times ahead of me.
758
00:42:46,997 --> 00:42:49,329
But you guys
have been really great to me.
759
00:42:49,433 --> 00:42:53,096
And I just want to say that you've
really made me part of your family
760
00:42:53,203 --> 00:42:54,830
and I wanna say thank you for that.
761
00:42:54,939 --> 00:42:56,406
- That's so sweet.
- Thank you.
762
00:42:56,507 --> 00:43:01,308
Whitaker, that is some of the finest
words I've ever heard in my life.
763
00:43:01,412 --> 00:43:04,609
And just hearing them makes me feel
like I'm a better person.
764
00:43:04,715 --> 00:43:07,582
So, fuck it, man. Take a bow.
765
00:43:10,754 --> 00:43:15,453
He was like, "I'm an alcoholic."
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
766
00:43:49,994 --> 00:43:51,154
Strange Wilderness?
767
00:43:51,261 --> 00:43:54,924
That's us.
I'm Pete, and this is the rest of them.
768
00:43:56,533 --> 00:43:58,000
Hi, I'm Cheryl.
769
00:43:58,102 --> 00:44:00,400
- It is so nice to meet you.
- Good to meet you.
770
00:44:00,504 --> 00:44:03,667
Yeah, Bill told me
what Pierson did to his wife.
771
00:44:03,774 --> 00:44:06,106
Bill's a good man.
Shouldn't have happened to him.
772
00:44:06,210 --> 00:44:09,179
He's upset. That's why he asked me
to get you to Gus Hayden.
773
00:44:09,279 --> 00:44:11,747
- That's great. Great.
- Now for the bad news.
774
00:44:11,849 --> 00:44:13,339
Pierson's got about
a three-day jump on you.
775
00:44:13,450 --> 00:44:15,281
- Oh, no.
- But, hey, don't worry about it.
776
00:44:15,386 --> 00:44:16,444
We'll find him.
777
00:44:16,553 --> 00:44:17,713
Tell you what, we'll go up to Gus's
778
00:44:17,821 --> 00:44:20,415
and we'll head out from there
and make up for lost time.
779
00:44:20,524 --> 00:44:22,719
- All right.
- By the way, my name's Dick.
780
00:44:22,826 --> 00:44:24,191
Dick what?
781
00:44:25,996 --> 00:44:27,463
Just Dick.
782
00:44:27,564 --> 00:44:28,724
Dick?
783
00:44:29,767 --> 00:44:30,893
Dick.
784
00:44:31,969 --> 00:44:33,732
Like Cher, but Dick?
785
00:44:35,105 --> 00:44:36,265
Dick.
786
00:44:37,441 --> 00:44:40,968
He's fucking... Who is this?
787
00:44:41,078 --> 00:44:43,239
Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick.
788
00:44:47,718 --> 00:44:49,185
Gotta have more name than that, Dick.
789
00:44:49,286 --> 00:44:52,687
Nope. Just Dick.
790
00:44:52,790 --> 00:44:55,281
You say, "Dick," I come running.
791
00:44:57,961 --> 00:44:59,986
You come where?
792
00:45:00,097 --> 00:45:03,624
You like your name? You like Dick?
793
00:45:03,734 --> 00:45:06,567
Do you ever let your dog
lick your name?
794
00:45:06,670 --> 00:45:08,069
Yeah, do you like it?
795
00:45:08,172 --> 00:45:09,867
Is your name Dick?
796
00:45:11,475 --> 00:45:14,376
I don't wanna get started off
on the wrong foot with you guys.
797
00:45:14,478 --> 00:45:17,345
Does your name ever shrink
if you go in cold water?
798
00:45:17,448 --> 00:45:20,383
Snicker one more time, I'll kick
your balls up in your fucking neck.
799
00:45:20,484 --> 00:45:21,815
- Check.
- 10-4.
800
00:45:21,919 --> 00:45:23,079
Copy that.
801
00:45:23,187 --> 00:45:26,884
Our trail's about 23 clicks west of here.
802
00:45:26,990 --> 00:45:28,014
Right.
803
00:45:28,125 --> 00:45:29,615
Does your name ever get hard
in the morning?
804
00:45:29,727 --> 00:45:30,955
Shut the fuck up.
805
00:45:38,836 --> 00:45:41,999
On our way to hook up
with legendary tracker, Gus Hayden,
806
00:45:42,106 --> 00:45:46,634
we encountered many jungle animals,
including our furry relative,
807
00:45:46,744 --> 00:45:48,473
the monkey.
808
00:45:48,579 --> 00:45:52,515
Monkeys make up over 80%
of the world's monkey population.
809
00:45:53,784 --> 00:45:56,912
Hundreds of ants are eaten each year
by monkeys.
810
00:45:57,020 --> 00:46:00,319
Researchers believe
that these numbers would be far less,
811
00:46:00,424 --> 00:46:03,825
if ants were the same size
or bigger than monkeys.
812
00:46:03,927 --> 00:46:07,556
Wow, look at that.
Those balls are sensational.
813
00:46:07,664 --> 00:46:11,327
To a lion,
these balls are called a "sack lunch."
814
00:46:11,435 --> 00:46:14,996
Over here,
we spot some South American gazelles.
815
00:46:15,105 --> 00:46:17,767
This gazelle is eating a flower.
816
00:46:17,875 --> 00:46:20,537
This lion is eating the gazelle.
817
00:46:20,644 --> 00:46:23,807
But he'll probably spit out the flower.
818
00:46:23,914 --> 00:46:26,246
These giraffes can't quit each other.
819
00:46:26,350 --> 00:46:30,514
I think it would be a good idea to tie
your brand new jeans to their heads.
820
00:46:30,621 --> 00:46:34,523
That way, your jeans
would get that distressed look.
821
00:46:34,625 --> 00:46:37,822
These birds are saying howdy
to the zebra.
822
00:46:37,928 --> 00:46:41,557
Actually, they're not saying howdy,
they're eating the shit out of him.
823
00:46:41,665 --> 00:46:44,600
If we held a microphone up to the zebra
and he could talk like,
824
00:46:44,701 --> 00:46:48,899
you know, Mr. Ed or something, it would
probably sound something like this,
825
00:46:49,006 --> 00:46:52,965
"Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
826
00:46:53,076 --> 00:46:55,977
"Did one of you just
shove your beak up my ass?"
827
00:47:02,953 --> 00:47:04,944
All right. We'll walk from here.
828
00:47:05,923 --> 00:47:08,721
All right, let's go, chop-chop.
It's about three clicks that way.
829
00:47:08,826 --> 00:47:11,158
Stay on the trail. Follow me. Let's go.
830
00:47:12,062 --> 00:47:13,359
Let's go!
831
00:47:36,119 --> 00:47:40,749
All right. You're about to meet the
world's greatest tracker, Gus Hayden.
832
00:47:49,800 --> 00:47:52,200
Welcome to paradise.
833
00:47:52,302 --> 00:47:54,827
I hear we're gonna have a little fun.
834
00:47:56,240 --> 00:48:00,802
I shoved my knife through
the top of his skull into his brain.
835
00:48:00,911 --> 00:48:05,473
Then I grabbed my hand grenade,
pushed that into his head hole.
836
00:48:05,582 --> 00:48:09,382
And I shoved him back down into the
tunnel and ran like hell.
837
00:48:10,153 --> 00:48:11,484
Hey, Gus.
838
00:48:11,588 --> 00:48:13,146
That was a great Vietnam story.
839
00:48:13,257 --> 00:48:16,226
But I think...
You wanna let go of Fred there?
840
00:48:16,326 --> 00:48:19,056
I think you're close to killing him.
841
00:48:19,162 --> 00:48:21,995
Sorry, I forgot about you there, partner.
842
00:48:22,099 --> 00:48:23,498
Anyway, the little gook bit me,
843
00:48:23,600 --> 00:48:26,967
and that's how I got this scar
right here on this thumb.
844
00:48:27,070 --> 00:48:28,094
Cool.
845
00:48:28,205 --> 00:48:30,469
So, Gus, tell us,
what are we in store for tomorrow?
846
00:48:30,574 --> 00:48:32,474
We'll break camp at 0600.
847
00:48:32,576 --> 00:48:36,535
I want you all to understand that when
we head into the Coconga Wilderness,
848
00:48:36,647 --> 00:48:40,014
we'll be going into a bad, dark place
849
00:48:40,117 --> 00:48:42,847
where death is about as routine
as a change of pants.
850
00:48:42,953 --> 00:48:45,547
Well, this crew here?
851
00:48:45,656 --> 00:48:48,454
We've been through some
pretty hairy adventures of our own.
852
00:48:48,558 --> 00:48:51,118
And I know you got that little scar
there on your thumb,
853
00:48:51,228 --> 00:48:55,062
but we've gotten a few scars
over the years ourselves.
854
00:48:55,165 --> 00:48:56,962
- Isn't that right, Fred?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
855
00:48:57,067 --> 00:48:59,058
I mean, look at this one.
856
00:49:01,204 --> 00:49:03,399
Eight years old. Fell off my bike.
857
00:49:03,507 --> 00:49:04,565
Shit.
858
00:49:04,675 --> 00:49:07,439
Check out this guy. See that?
859
00:49:07,544 --> 00:49:11,640
I was doing some Bondo work
on a '67 Pontiac Sky Chief
860
00:49:11,748 --> 00:49:16,845
and I was drunk, as usual,
and caught this on the hood ornament.
861
00:49:19,723 --> 00:49:20,917
Nasty.
862
00:49:21,525 --> 00:49:24,255
But... Hey, two days sober today, guys.
863
00:49:25,128 --> 00:49:27,331
Thank you. Thank you very much.
864
00:49:27,331 --> 00:49:27,888
Thank you. Thank you very much.
865
00:49:27,998 --> 00:49:33,402
Well, I don't have any scars,
but I have this really great birthmark.
866
00:49:35,472 --> 00:49:36,734
See?
867
00:49:39,376 --> 00:49:42,868
You see this right here?
Dog bit me when I was a kid.
868
00:49:42,980 --> 00:49:44,641
I was blowing in his face,
and he nipped...
869
00:49:44,748 --> 00:49:48,047
Well, now.
You're talking scars, I got one for you.
870
00:49:48,151 --> 00:49:49,482
About 10 years ago
871
00:49:49,586 --> 00:49:53,044
I was scouting out a location
for a mining company in the Amazon,
872
00:49:53,156 --> 00:49:57,354
when I was ambushed
by a tribe of Aloha pygmies.
873
00:49:57,461 --> 00:50:01,591
They tied me to a post and did to me
what they do to all white men.
874
00:50:09,740 --> 00:50:13,699
They cut my scrotum with a sharp stick.
Then they ran away.
875
00:50:13,810 --> 00:50:17,268
My testicles unraveled down
to the ground.
876
00:50:17,381 --> 00:50:20,373
I scooped up my testicles
from out of the dirt, rolled them up,
877
00:50:20,484 --> 00:50:24,215
shoved them back into my sac,
and then sewed it shut myself.
878
00:50:30,560 --> 00:50:34,121
Looks like a quilt. A ball quilt.
879
00:50:36,233 --> 00:50:38,098
Okay, well...
880
00:50:38,201 --> 00:50:42,934
I'd love to sit here
and swap some more scar stories,
881
00:50:43,040 --> 00:50:44,837
but I'm all out.
882
00:50:44,941 --> 00:50:46,841
I'm tired.
883
00:50:46,943 --> 00:50:48,535
Yeah, you know what? Yeah, yeah.
884
00:50:48,645 --> 00:50:50,306
I'm gonna saw some logs, myself.
885
00:50:50,414 --> 00:50:52,314
- Yeah.
- All right. All right.
886
00:50:52,416 --> 00:50:55,214
Must have the worst nightmares ever.
887
00:51:06,263 --> 00:51:07,457
Pete.
888
00:51:08,465 --> 00:51:10,023
- Hey!
- What?
889
00:51:10,133 --> 00:51:13,534
Dude, that tracker guy left,
and Cheryl ran off with him.
890
00:51:13,637 --> 00:51:16,231
Cheryl? Cheryl!
891
00:51:16,339 --> 00:51:18,068
What? She ran off with Gus Hayden?
892
00:51:18,175 --> 00:51:20,871
She's gone, he's gone,
and all our shit's gone!
893
00:51:20,977 --> 00:51:24,538
- Hey, you're probably in on it!
- No!
894
00:51:24,648 --> 00:51:26,775
He left me just as stranded as you all.
895
00:51:26,883 --> 00:51:29,317
He took my bunker jeep.
We got nothing!
896
00:51:29,419 --> 00:51:33,082
- Shit! Why would Cheryl do this to us?
- No, no, no.
897
00:51:33,190 --> 00:51:36,648
I saw her eyeing that fucking psycho
across the campfire last night.
898
00:51:36,760 --> 00:51:39,661
Shit! Shit! God!
899
00:51:40,931 --> 00:51:43,229
Shit! Shit!
900
00:51:44,601 --> 00:51:45,829
God!
901
00:51:45,936 --> 00:51:49,269
All right, calm down!
Everybody, just pull yourself together!
902
00:51:50,841 --> 00:51:55,005
Bill, I need you to take an inventory
of everything that's left, okay? Go, now.
903
00:51:55,112 --> 00:51:58,673
Okay. We got one sleeping bag,
904
00:51:58,782 --> 00:52:00,181
so I think we're pretty much fucked.
905
00:52:00,283 --> 00:52:04,913
No, I think we're gonna be okay.
I think we're great. Let's go find Bigfoot.
906
00:52:05,021 --> 00:52:07,455
What aren't you hearing?
He took the map!
907
00:52:07,557 --> 00:52:09,115
We can't find Bigfoot without a map!
908
00:52:09,226 --> 00:52:12,252
Yeah, but we can't give up, okay?
We can't!
909
00:52:12,362 --> 00:52:15,559
'Cause my dad wouldn't give up.
You know that. You knew him.
910
00:52:15,665 --> 00:52:19,658
I mean, he'd always make it work out.
And I'm just like my dad!
911
00:52:20,604 --> 00:52:24,597
All right. Okay.
I'll lead you through the jungle.
912
00:52:24,708 --> 00:52:27,700
I'm going as far as Temescal,
but after that, you're on your own.
913
00:52:27,811 --> 00:52:31,042
- Okay.
- That jungle is thick.
914
00:52:31,148 --> 00:52:34,413
I don't think anybody's
ever even been in there.
915
00:52:34,518 --> 00:52:38,750
You know, you should quit now,
while you're alive.
916
00:52:38,855 --> 00:52:41,187
Nope. Not on my watch.
917
00:52:41,291 --> 00:52:42,349
Guys?
918
00:52:42,459 --> 00:52:43,653
I don't wanna die.
919
00:52:43,760 --> 00:52:46,786
For the first time in 11 years,
I'm seeing the world through sober eyes
920
00:52:46,897 --> 00:52:49,491
and it's exhilarating.
921
00:52:49,599 --> 00:52:51,533
See, I have so much to live for
right now.
922
00:52:51,635 --> 00:52:55,127
I want to find a nice girl
and settle down and have kids
923
00:52:55,238 --> 00:52:57,900
and dance with them in the moonlight
and everything.
924
00:52:58,008 --> 00:53:00,306
I want to do it all, you know?
925
00:53:00,410 --> 00:53:02,901
Fucking beautiful. Take a bow, man.
926
00:53:04,414 --> 00:53:09,875
He was like, "I'm wearing a blue shirt
and I'm sad in my heart."
927
00:53:09,986 --> 00:53:11,613
I didn't think you were gonna do that!
928
00:53:11,721 --> 00:53:14,349
Okay! Cooker, you need to...
929
00:53:17,127 --> 00:53:18,958
Is that a thong you're wearing?
930
00:53:19,062 --> 00:53:21,326
What the fuck did you say?
931
00:53:21,431 --> 00:53:23,296
Do you have a thong on?
932
00:53:24,267 --> 00:53:26,326
Yeah, I'm wearing a thong.
933
00:53:27,704 --> 00:53:29,069
I'll get the sleeping bag.
934
00:53:40,817 --> 00:53:42,842
Dick, there any snakes in this shit,
or what?
935
00:53:42,953 --> 00:53:45,513
Don't worry about fucking snakes.
936
00:53:48,758 --> 00:53:50,385
Fuck you, dude.
937
00:53:51,895 --> 00:53:53,954
Shit, a porcupine.
938
00:54:10,247 --> 00:54:12,078
Hey. Hey!
939
00:54:12,182 --> 00:54:16,983
I think it stopped. I think it stopped.
940
00:54:17,087 --> 00:54:20,056
- Oh, God. This is insane.
- All right.
941
00:54:20,156 --> 00:54:23,922
No. It's gonna be okay, I think.
It's gonna be okay.
942
00:54:24,027 --> 00:54:27,724
Come on, let's just keep moving.
It'll be okay.
943
00:54:32,969 --> 00:54:35,631
- What the fuck was that?
- Just keep going. It's gonna be fine.
944
00:54:44,514 --> 00:54:46,004
- Come on.
- Hey, come on!
945
00:54:46,116 --> 00:54:48,448
Guys, guys, guys, just a monkey.
It's just a monkey.
946
00:54:48,551 --> 00:54:49,745
Jesus.
947
00:54:55,759 --> 00:54:58,023
- You guys!
- Oh, shit!
948
00:54:58,128 --> 00:55:02,394
I have been tracking you for hours.
Why did you leave me back there?
949
00:55:02,499 --> 00:55:05,627
Well, we thought you ran off
with Gus Hayden.
950
00:55:07,237 --> 00:55:09,467
You really think I'd do that?
951
00:55:09,572 --> 00:55:10,698
Yeah.
952
00:55:10,807 --> 00:55:11,831
Gross.
953
00:55:12,709 --> 00:55:16,475
I'd wanna fuck even you guys
before I'd wanna fuck him.
954
00:55:16,579 --> 00:55:18,240
- Hey.
- All right.
955
00:55:18,348 --> 00:55:20,441
You guys, I woke up
and he was stealing all our stuff,
956
00:55:20,550 --> 00:55:23,348
so I pretended like
I wanted to go with him
957
00:55:24,821 --> 00:55:28,814
and I convinced him to give me this.
958
00:55:30,160 --> 00:55:31,559
The map.
959
00:55:31,661 --> 00:55:33,720
You convinced him?
960
00:55:35,565 --> 00:55:37,999
What'd you have to do?
961
00:55:38,101 --> 00:55:40,592
Just a little something. Okay?
962
00:55:40,704 --> 00:55:42,899
I took one for the team.
963
00:55:44,641 --> 00:55:47,508
I have a map.
964
00:55:47,610 --> 00:55:50,408
- Me, too. I got a map.
- I got a bunch of maps.
965
00:55:50,513 --> 00:55:51,639
I have an atlas.
966
00:55:51,748 --> 00:55:56,685
I have some old Civil War maps
that are worth quite a bit.
967
00:55:56,786 --> 00:55:59,778
I have a map of the moon.
It's like... You can feel it.
968
00:55:59,889 --> 00:56:02,619
I got a whole map store.
Maps everywhere.
969
00:56:02,726 --> 00:56:04,591
If we get back to the RV,
I got a Thomas Guide.
970
00:56:04,694 --> 00:56:07,094
Like a hundred pages of maps.
971
00:56:07,197 --> 00:56:09,688
Come here, you guys!
972
00:56:09,799 --> 00:56:12,529
Just kidding. I don't have a map.
973
00:56:12,969 --> 00:56:17,565
I'll tell you, I will be damned.
I will just be damned.
974
00:56:17,674 --> 00:56:22,236
You know, with that map
and my jungle survival skills,
975
00:56:22,345 --> 00:56:24,939
just might be able
to help you find Bigfoot after all.
976
00:56:25,048 --> 00:56:26,208
Yeah!
977
00:56:26,316 --> 00:56:28,284
Dick! Dick! Dick!
978
00:56:30,754 --> 00:56:32,051
- We love Dick!
- Yes, we are.
979
00:56:32,155 --> 00:56:36,455
Yes, we are. First, though,
we gotta cross the Mohate River.
980
00:56:48,705 --> 00:56:50,400
We're almost there.
981
00:56:50,507 --> 00:56:53,340
Just straight that way.
Okay, you're doing great, Fred.
982
00:56:53,443 --> 00:56:55,911
- Thank you, thank you.
- You're doing great.
983
00:56:57,680 --> 00:57:01,411
- Cooker, I'm proud of you.
- Hey, Dick. I'm proud of you in turn.
984
00:57:01,518 --> 00:57:03,679
You're the best. You're the best.
985
00:57:04,487 --> 00:57:07,456
Now, I know a secret quick way through
this jungle,
986
00:57:07,557 --> 00:57:10,458
and we can get to the rocky cliffs
and maybe cut off Pierson.
987
00:57:10,560 --> 00:57:12,960
Now, here's what you're gonna do.
988
00:57:13,897 --> 00:57:15,660
What the... Oh, God!
989
00:57:19,936 --> 00:57:22,871
Don't come in here! No! Stay out!
990
00:57:25,074 --> 00:57:27,338
Oh, Dick!
991
00:57:27,444 --> 00:57:29,946
Here's another one
of those piranha bastards.
992
00:57:30,113 --> 00:57:32,513
Fucking eat all these fucking stupid fish.
993
00:57:32,615 --> 00:57:36,551
We were gonna make it,
and then these bastards ate Dick!
994
00:57:36,653 --> 00:57:39,315
- How's it feel to get eaten, fish fuckers?
- Yeah!
995
00:57:39,422 --> 00:57:42,448
- How's it feel to get eaten?
- Stupid... Stupid fish!
996
00:57:42,559 --> 00:57:46,359
You think we'd just let you get away
with eating Dick,
997
00:57:46,463 --> 00:57:49,364
you sons-of-bitches,
pieces of river trash!
998
00:57:49,466 --> 00:57:51,400
Fuck you! Fuck you!
999
00:57:52,635 --> 00:57:54,068
Hey, wait a minute.
1000
00:57:55,772 --> 00:57:57,865
These are the fish that ate Dick, right?
1001
00:57:57,974 --> 00:57:59,874
Yeah!
1002
00:57:59,976 --> 00:58:01,876
All right, just go with me here.
1003
00:58:01,978 --> 00:58:06,745
If Dick is in the fishes,
and we're eating the fishes,
1004
00:58:06,850 --> 00:58:09,410
doesn't that mean we're eating Dick?
1005
00:58:14,324 --> 00:58:15,814
What the fuck?
1006
00:58:22,565 --> 00:58:25,500
- It's gonna be okay! Come on! Fred.
- No!
1007
00:58:25,635 --> 00:58:28,297
Not one single thing has gone our way!
1008
00:58:28,404 --> 00:58:32,363
And I guarantee you
Pierson found Bigfoot's cave days ago.
1009
00:58:32,475 --> 00:58:35,069
Come on, Fred!
Don't be so negative, okay?
1010
00:58:35,178 --> 00:58:38,636
Come on...
Our luck is gonna change, I can feel it.
1011
00:58:38,748 --> 00:58:40,443
Oh, my God.
1012
00:58:40,550 --> 00:58:44,111
You guys have to come with me.
I think I found something.
1013
00:58:53,730 --> 00:58:57,689
- It's Pierson's team.
- Holy crap.
1014
00:58:57,800 --> 00:58:59,768
Fred. Get over here, Fred.
1015
00:58:59,869 --> 00:59:04,738
Mr. Wah I'm So Bummed Out.
Pierson's Gonna Find Bigfoot First...
1016
00:59:04,841 --> 00:59:07,901
I don't think so, buddy!
Looks like our luck is changing.
1017
00:59:08,011 --> 00:59:10,571
We came out on top! Come on!
1018
00:59:14,984 --> 00:59:18,750
Oh, yeah. Oh, right. This is tragic.
1019
00:59:21,624 --> 00:59:25,390
Amen. Okay,
let's gather up their equipment, guys.
1020
00:59:26,696 --> 00:59:28,220
Sweet axe.
1021
00:59:32,168 --> 00:59:37,470
Gentle clouds of Nazareth
1022
00:59:37,574 --> 00:59:41,476
Massacred in Ecuador
1023
00:59:41,578 --> 00:59:46,345
Life's too fucking short
Ask that guy
1024
00:59:46,449 --> 00:59:49,475
Hey, that's Sky Pierson.
1025
00:59:49,586 --> 00:59:51,850
- Oh, my God!
- Gaulke.
1026
00:59:51,955 --> 00:59:53,354
- Hey.
- Gaulke.
1027
00:59:53,456 --> 00:59:56,584
Hi, Sky. Wow, long time no see.
1028
00:59:57,460 --> 00:59:58,654
So...
1029
00:59:59,896 --> 01:00:03,332
I'm sorry. Sorry about that.
I just had some bad fish.
1030
01:00:03,433 --> 01:00:07,028
So, what happened here?
1031
01:00:07,136 --> 01:00:08,433
Attacked.
1032
01:00:10,239 --> 01:00:11,831
Coconga pygmies.
1033
01:00:13,509 --> 01:00:14,737
Horrible.
1034
01:00:16,579 --> 01:00:18,069
Hey, Sky,
1035
01:00:19,215 --> 01:00:21,410
could you feel this?
1036
01:00:21,517 --> 01:00:22,882
Dude.
1037
01:00:22,986 --> 01:00:25,853
What are you poking him for, man?
The guy's dying.
1038
01:00:25,955 --> 01:00:30,619
His upper half of his body
is not connected to his lower half.
1039
01:00:30,727 --> 01:00:33,992
- Yeah, I know. Jesus Christ. What?
- Hey, Pete, Pete.
1040
01:00:34,097 --> 01:00:37,498
You gonna punch him in the face
like Bill asked?
1041
01:00:37,600 --> 01:00:40,626
Oh, shit. Forgot about that.
1042
01:00:43,973 --> 01:00:45,907
It's your call.
1043
01:00:46,009 --> 01:00:50,309
Oh, man. I don't know.
I'm kind of on the fence about it.
1044
01:00:50,413 --> 01:00:53,075
It's not like he's in any position
to punch you back.
1045
01:00:53,182 --> 01:00:55,343
Fred, it has nothing to do with fear.
1046
01:00:55,451 --> 01:00:58,079
I mean, don't you think it's a little
excessive, punching him in the face?
1047
01:00:58,187 --> 01:01:00,655
He's missing the lower half of his body.
1048
01:01:00,757 --> 01:01:01,951
Gaulke.
1049
01:01:03,459 --> 01:01:07,156
- Hey, we're back.
- Gaulke, you still here?
1050
01:01:07,263 --> 01:01:08,730
Yeah, we're here.
1051
01:01:10,800 --> 01:01:12,995
Hey, the cavalry has arrived.
1052
01:01:17,073 --> 01:01:18,335
Sky.
1053
01:01:22,545 --> 01:01:23,842
Oh, Sky.
1054
01:01:25,715 --> 01:01:26,909
Let's go.
1055
01:01:27,016 --> 01:01:29,382
Pick up what you can carry,
especially the camera equipment.
1056
01:01:29,485 --> 01:01:31,248
Let's get the hell out of here.
1057
01:02:08,458 --> 01:02:11,018
See, I could've sworn
these are the markings!
1058
01:02:11,127 --> 01:02:12,458
They're right there on the map.
1059
01:02:12,562 --> 01:02:16,225
Well, then, where the hell is the cave?
It says it's on the map, but it's not there!
1060
01:02:16,332 --> 01:02:17,731
Hey, does anyone else
get the feeling that,
1061
01:02:17,834 --> 01:02:19,995
like, we've been going in circles
for a while?
1062
01:02:20,103 --> 01:02:24,597
Shit! Shit! Shit! Fucking shit!
1063
01:02:25,842 --> 01:02:26,809
Shit!
1064
01:02:29,345 --> 01:02:31,472
Fuck! Such a fuck up!
1065
01:02:33,783 --> 01:02:36,718
Give me that fucking map!
1066
01:02:36,819 --> 01:02:38,116
Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
1067
01:02:38,221 --> 01:02:42,351
You said that Bill Calhoun
took a real picture of the map, right?
1068
01:02:42,458 --> 01:02:44,653
Yeah, Pierson was holding it
in his hands.
1069
01:02:44,761 --> 01:02:47,559
Okay. Bill was using
two security cameras.
1070
01:02:47,663 --> 01:02:52,157
It's a mirror image. Look at the "N".
The map got printed out backwards.
1071
01:02:52,268 --> 01:02:53,860
Flip the picture.
1072
01:02:55,438 --> 01:02:57,872
Cheryl, you are a genius!
1073
01:02:58,975 --> 01:03:01,443
Okay, so wait.
So all the directions are reversed.
1074
01:03:01,544 --> 01:03:05,480
So then that means
that the cave is not here.
1075
01:03:05,581 --> 01:03:08,880
It's gonna be over, around here.
Come on, let's go!
1076
01:03:18,795 --> 01:03:20,285
That's it.
1077
01:03:20,396 --> 01:03:22,489
That's the cave. It's gotta be. Map.
1078
01:03:22,598 --> 01:03:25,066
See? Turn the map.
1079
01:03:25,168 --> 01:03:29,366
Rock formation fits with the hill.
That cave is his cave.
1080
01:03:44,287 --> 01:03:46,482
How do we know he's in there?
1081
01:03:46,589 --> 01:03:49,023
I can feel him. Okay, come on.
1082
01:03:49,125 --> 01:03:52,959
We're gonna move closer,
but stealthily, like that of a cheetah.
1083
01:04:06,375 --> 01:04:10,607
Oh, my God, I can hear him.
He's in there. Holy God. Okay.
1084
01:04:10,713 --> 01:04:15,047
This is probably the most important
wildlife discovery of our time,
1085
01:04:15,151 --> 01:04:17,415
and we're gonna chronicle it.
1086
01:04:19,222 --> 01:04:20,382
Okay.
1087
01:04:21,424 --> 01:04:23,790
Okay, over there. Cross, cross.
1088
01:04:25,027 --> 01:04:26,324
This is crazy.
1089
01:04:26,662 --> 01:04:28,357
Okay, set up the camera.
1090
01:04:28,464 --> 01:04:31,331
Okay, listen up.
Here's what's gonna happen.
1091
01:04:31,434 --> 01:04:33,868
I'm gonna do an intro throw announce,
1092
01:04:33,970 --> 01:04:36,029
and then we're gonna
slowly steal inside
1093
01:04:36,138 --> 01:04:38,698
and catch this amazing creature
in his natural habitat, okay?
1094
01:04:38,808 --> 01:04:40,207
Okay, ready?
1095
01:04:40,309 --> 01:04:43,938
Oh, remember. Okay, listen. Junior!
1096
01:04:44,046 --> 01:04:45,377
- Listen.
- I am.
1097
01:04:45,481 --> 01:04:48,109
Do not spook him, okay?
1098
01:04:48,217 --> 01:04:51,709
He is probably very,
very frightened of us.
1099
01:04:51,821 --> 01:04:54,312
- Okay.
- Okay.
1100
01:04:54,423 --> 01:04:55,947
I got sound if you wanna go.
1101
01:04:56,058 --> 01:04:57,423
Ready, rolling.
1102
01:04:57,526 --> 01:05:01,860
And five, four, three, two, one, zero.
Talking now.
1103
01:05:03,132 --> 01:05:07,364
Hi. I'm Peter Gaulke,
and this is Strange Wilderness.
1104
01:05:07,470 --> 01:05:13,067
Camped here, waiting to film Bigfoot.
1105
01:05:13,175 --> 01:05:15,473
That's right, you heard me, Bigfoot.
1106
01:05:15,578 --> 01:05:18,843
Animals have long been known
as animals, not human,
1107
01:05:18,948 --> 01:05:25,376
and have been described as stupid,
cowardly, aggressive, dimwitted,
1108
01:05:27,189 --> 01:05:32,752
low beasts, eager to kill, eager to eat,
eager to fornicate,
1109
01:05:32,862 --> 01:05:37,128
eager to stampede all...
1110
01:05:37,233 --> 01:05:40,896
But is it animals we describe,
or is it mankind?
1111
01:05:42,672 --> 01:05:47,109
Perhaps this Bigfoot creature can
bridge the divide between us and them.
1112
01:05:47,209 --> 01:05:50,701
Perhaps his gentle ways can teach us,
remind us
1113
01:05:50,813 --> 01:05:56,479
that peace and harmony
are necessary if mankind is to survive.
1114
01:05:56,585 --> 01:05:58,143
What?
1115
01:05:58,254 --> 01:05:59,516
Oh, fuck!
1116
01:06:26,182 --> 01:06:27,149
Hey...
1117
01:06:28,117 --> 01:06:32,747
Does anybody remember what that
big bastard said before he came at us?
1118
01:06:35,925 --> 01:06:41,761
I think he said, "Huh?"
Like he wasn't sure what was going on.
1119
01:06:41,864 --> 01:06:45,197
- No. It was more of a growl.
- Yeah, totally.
1120
01:06:45,301 --> 01:06:47,826
Actually, you know what?
It was more like a death growl.
1121
01:06:47,937 --> 01:06:52,374
It was like, "I'm gonna kill you."
I mean, I heard that.
1122
01:06:52,475 --> 01:06:54,340
- Yeah, no, I did, too. Yeah.
- Yeah.
1123
01:06:54,443 --> 01:06:56,070
I heard it, too.
1124
01:06:57,313 --> 01:07:00,373
- Didn't I?
- Yeah. No. Oh, yeah.
1125
01:07:00,483 --> 01:07:02,110
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- That's what he said, man.
1126
01:07:02,218 --> 01:07:05,710
I've just, you know,
I've just never killed anything before.
1127
01:07:05,821 --> 01:07:07,413
But it was in self-defense, so...
1128
01:07:07,523 --> 01:07:09,115
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah. The lady's right.
1129
01:07:09,225 --> 01:07:14,026
This mythological beast
was engineered by the French.
1130
01:07:14,130 --> 01:07:17,793
Fuck, I was so blind to not see it before.
1131
01:07:17,900 --> 01:07:21,131
It was designed by the French
in the early '50s
1132
01:07:21,237 --> 01:07:25,697
to fuck and eventually
kill American people.
1133
01:07:25,808 --> 01:07:30,643
He would've come
and fucking killed all of us.
1134
01:07:30,746 --> 01:07:31,804
You know what?
1135
01:07:31,914 --> 01:07:34,212
Like, if a mosquito is buzzing
around your ear, do you let it go?
1136
01:07:34,316 --> 01:07:36,978
Like, "Keep on bothering me
and, like, sting me
1137
01:07:37,086 --> 01:07:38,280
"and let me get West Nile Virus?"
1138
01:07:38,387 --> 01:07:41,447
No, you fucking smack it, like we did.
1139
01:07:41,557 --> 01:07:43,684
Only we did it with guns.
1140
01:07:43,793 --> 01:07:45,920
- I don't know, guys. I mean...
- What?
1141
01:07:47,129 --> 01:07:48,426
Well, I mean...
1142
01:07:50,166 --> 01:07:51,690
- Fuck him, right?
- Yeah.
1143
01:07:51,801 --> 01:07:55,760
That prick deserved to die, right?
Big, hairy, carnivore son-of-a-bitch.
1144
01:07:55,871 --> 01:07:59,238
You see the way he came at us,
all up in our face and all...
1145
01:07:59,341 --> 01:08:01,172
Fucking fuck you, you fuck.
1146
01:08:01,277 --> 01:08:02,835
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
1147
01:08:05,915 --> 01:08:07,678
Fucking cocktease.
1148
01:08:12,988 --> 01:08:16,856
But, you know, I've been thinking.
1149
01:08:16,959 --> 01:08:21,521
Maybe it's not the best way
to end our show, though?
1150
01:08:21,630 --> 01:08:25,498
You know, actually killing Bigfoot?
1151
01:08:26,102 --> 01:08:27,126
Yeah.
1152
01:08:27,236 --> 01:08:30,103
Probably not gonna fly
with the TV station.
1153
01:08:32,041 --> 01:08:35,067
Peter, I have a little idea.
1154
01:08:45,788 --> 01:08:47,813
Those sharks
ate the living shit out of me,
1155
01:08:47,923 --> 01:08:51,290
like my leg was a fucking piece of corn
on the cob with butter on it.
1156
01:08:51,393 --> 01:08:53,486
I was yelling at them
that I wasn't no seal.
1157
01:08:53,596 --> 01:08:55,029
"Hey, it's me, Danny-boy!"
1158
01:08:55,131 --> 01:08:57,429
But they didn't understand
my human language.
1159
01:08:57,533 --> 01:08:59,228
So I got this fake leg now.
1160
01:08:59,335 --> 01:09:01,826
The doc comes in my room,
and he asks me what kind I want.
1161
01:09:01,937 --> 01:09:03,029
What the fuck?
1162
01:09:03,139 --> 01:09:05,403
It turns out he's talking about
the wood or some shit.
1163
01:09:05,508 --> 01:09:07,669
Mahogany, pine, or balsa?
1164
01:09:07,776 --> 01:09:11,041
So, that gets me thinking,
"I should put a jackhammer on there,
1165
01:09:11,147 --> 01:09:15,379
"so when I walk up the sidewalk
I could bust up the cement."
1166
01:09:15,484 --> 01:09:17,748
Okay. All right, listen up, everybody.
1167
01:09:17,853 --> 01:09:21,812
We're gonna have him eating out
of our hands when he sees this. This.
1168
01:09:21,924 --> 01:09:24,256
The television show of the century, huh?
1169
01:09:24,360 --> 01:09:25,588
Yeah.
1170
01:09:25,694 --> 01:09:26,922
- Bring it.
- Let's do it.
1171
01:09:27,029 --> 01:09:28,326
- High five!
- Good luck.
1172
01:09:29,465 --> 01:09:33,060
We were all shivering with excitement
as we carefully moved in
1173
01:09:33,169 --> 01:09:37,606
for the first ever contact
with the legendary Bigfoot.
1174
01:09:37,706 --> 01:09:40,573
What we found inside the cave
shocked us all.
1175
01:09:40,676 --> 01:09:44,077
Apparently, the Bigfoot
had been experiencing depression
1176
01:09:44,180 --> 01:09:45,613
and hung himself.
1177
01:09:45,714 --> 01:09:48,911
Forced to live like an animal
in a cold dark cave,
1178
01:09:49,018 --> 01:09:52,351
I imagine any one of us
would've done the same thing.
1179
01:09:52,454 --> 01:09:54,854
Unlike that dude on fire
at the peace rally,
1180
01:09:54,957 --> 01:09:57,858
we sprung into action
to revive the Bigfoot.
1181
01:09:57,960 --> 01:09:59,621
But it was too late.
1182
01:09:59,728 --> 01:10:02,595
It made me feel so crappy.
1183
01:10:02,698 --> 01:10:07,192
And so ended our fantastic adventure,
"The Search for Bigfoot."
1184
01:10:07,303 --> 01:10:10,170
Join us next week
for a show about beavers.
1185
01:10:11,440 --> 01:10:13,237
Are you insane?
1186
01:10:13,342 --> 01:10:15,742
Did someone drop a safe on your head?
1187
01:10:15,844 --> 01:10:18,312
That's the craziest shit I've ever seen!
1188
01:10:18,414 --> 01:10:20,746
- Hey, quit shoving me, man!
- Yeah, what's that?
1189
01:10:20,849 --> 01:10:23,010
Man, you've been a dick since day one!
1190
01:10:23,118 --> 01:10:26,019
- Yeah? Fuck you!
- Get out, assholes!
1191
01:10:26,121 --> 01:10:27,554
- Fuck you, Judy.
- Yeah.
1192
01:10:27,656 --> 01:10:29,419
You know what? This is all because of
you and your stupid idea
1193
01:10:29,525 --> 01:10:31,686
about faking Bigfoot's suicide.
1194
01:10:31,794 --> 01:10:34,820
You know, I should've never listened...
I should've never hired you!
1195
01:10:34,930 --> 01:10:37,956
That's the most un-American thing
I've ever heard in my life.
1196
01:10:38,067 --> 01:10:39,625
Excuse me, could you keep it down?
1197
01:10:39,735 --> 01:10:43,068
Hey, sweetheart, we're having
a private company meeting here.
1198
01:10:43,172 --> 01:10:44,469
So why don't you keep it down, okay?
1199
01:10:44,573 --> 01:10:46,905
Hey, hey, we're in the middle
of a fucking conversation,
1200
01:10:47,009 --> 01:10:48,567
you turn around to hit on some chick.
1201
01:10:48,677 --> 01:10:51,908
Hey, why you all up in my waist, man?
You feeling froggy, huh?
1202
01:10:52,014 --> 01:10:54,346
- Why don't you take a leap?
- I can't. That's fucked up.
1203
01:10:54,450 --> 01:10:56,577
You shouldn't talk to someone like that.
1204
01:10:56,685 --> 01:11:00,416
You stone-wasted half-man party punk!
Shut the...
1205
01:11:00,789 --> 01:11:04,156
Whoa, seriously, man. Come on,
he's pathetic. Take it easy on him.
1206
01:11:04,260 --> 01:11:08,253
Fuck you, Cheech.
You suck as a soundman, dude.
1207
01:11:08,364 --> 01:11:12,027
You stupid fuck. Go buy some sandals.
Go buy some sandals.
1208
01:11:12,134 --> 01:11:15,399
You want to fight? I'll fight your fight.
I haven't fought in 10 years.
1209
01:11:15,504 --> 01:11:16,971
I'm fighting tonight.
1210
01:11:18,574 --> 01:11:21,702
What you got? What you got?
Let's see. Throw down, bitch.
1211
01:11:24,013 --> 01:11:25,241
Throw down, bitch.
1212
01:11:25,347 --> 01:11:27,747
Hey, you know what? He's right, Fred!
1213
01:11:27,850 --> 01:11:29,340
You suck as a soundman, okay...
1214
01:11:29,451 --> 01:11:31,316
All right, that's it. I'm calling security.
1215
01:11:31,420 --> 01:11:33,320
Oh, no, honey,
you are not calling security.
1216
01:11:33,422 --> 01:11:35,287
- You understand me?
- Hey! Hey!
1217
01:11:53,709 --> 01:11:56,507
And that is the whole ridiculous story.
1218
01:11:58,580 --> 01:12:02,880
No, I haven't seen anybody in,
like, over a year.
1219
01:12:02,985 --> 01:12:04,646
You know, things were said.
1220
01:12:04,753 --> 01:12:07,551
I think they're a lot better off
without me around anyway.
1221
01:12:07,656 --> 01:12:10,784
I'm such a failure. Oh, shit.
1222
01:12:10,893 --> 01:12:13,191
Hey, thanks for listening, okay?
1223
01:12:13,295 --> 01:12:15,923
I'll talk to you tomorrow. Great. Bye.
1224
01:12:17,366 --> 01:12:18,799
Nobody's home!
1225
01:12:23,572 --> 01:12:24,596
Pete.
1226
01:12:24,707 --> 01:12:27,505
You know
when you yell out "Nobody's home,"
1227
01:12:27,609 --> 01:12:29,907
people know you're home
because otherwise
1228
01:12:30,012 --> 01:12:33,209
who the hell would be yelling out
"Nobody's home."
1229
01:12:35,718 --> 01:12:37,185
Brought out a smile.
1230
01:12:39,455 --> 01:12:42,549
Well, you won't return my calls,
1231
01:12:42,658 --> 01:12:46,185
so I thought I'd personally
hand-deliver a hello.
1232
01:12:46,295 --> 01:12:49,492
No, I just couldn't hold it all together.
1233
01:12:50,566 --> 01:12:52,431
You know what I've always been
wanting to tell you,
1234
01:12:52,534 --> 01:12:54,900
all the times you have
beaten yourself up...
1235
01:12:56,105 --> 01:12:59,597
Times were different then. It was easier.
1236
01:12:59,708 --> 01:13:01,039
You know something?
1237
01:13:01,143 --> 01:13:03,577
Your old man
could never have survived today.
1238
01:13:03,679 --> 01:13:05,647
I loved your dad, you know that,
1239
01:13:05,748 --> 01:13:09,275
but he didn't have the tenacity
and the heart that you have.
1240
01:13:09,385 --> 01:13:12,320
You were born into a wildlife family.
1241
01:13:12,421 --> 01:13:17,586
Like your old man used to say,
"All it takes is one good idea."
1242
01:13:17,693 --> 01:13:20,218
Yeah, he used to always say that.
1243
01:13:20,329 --> 01:13:23,093
With one good idea
anything can happen.
1244
01:13:23,198 --> 01:13:27,430
- But it's up to you.
- Yeah.
1245
01:13:27,536 --> 01:13:29,128
What do you say?
1246
01:13:30,606 --> 01:13:32,699
I say, "Let's do it."
1247
01:13:32,808 --> 01:13:36,335
- Pete Gaulke's back!
- Yeah. Right.
1248
01:13:36,445 --> 01:13:39,471
You know what? Thanks, man.
I mean, I really get...
1249
01:13:39,581 --> 01:13:41,947
- Hey, do you mind if I tap a bowl first?
- Go ahead.
1250
01:13:42,050 --> 01:13:44,450
You know, because... Where's it?
1251
01:13:44,553 --> 01:13:46,987
You know,
I have a bunch of great ideas,
1252
01:13:47,089 --> 01:13:49,956
and they seem like great ideas
for about 10 minutes,
1253
01:13:50,058 --> 01:13:53,186
and then I'm sitting here for a while
and all of a sudden they seem stale.
1254
01:13:53,295 --> 01:13:56,526
And then I forget about them,
I don't write them down anymore...
1255
01:13:56,632 --> 01:14:01,331
I mean, I think what I need to do is
really kind of...
1256
01:14:06,909 --> 01:14:11,243
Oh, God. That little guy is gonna think
he's a shark.
1257
01:14:11,346 --> 01:14:12,404
Hey, wait a minute.
1258
01:14:12,514 --> 01:14:14,709
What a hell of an idea for a show.
1259
01:14:14,817 --> 01:14:17,786
A show about sharks, huh?
1260
01:14:17,886 --> 01:14:19,877
- One good idea.
- Good idea!
1261
01:14:19,988 --> 01:14:21,785
Yeah, buddy!
1262
01:14:21,890 --> 01:14:22,857
All right.
1263
01:14:25,461 --> 01:14:27,361
Hot Dog Hell, can I help you?
1264
01:14:27,463 --> 01:14:31,695
Yeah, I need six hotdogs,
I need six cokes,
1265
01:14:31,800 --> 01:14:35,531
and the best damn soundman
in the business.
1266
01:14:35,637 --> 01:14:38,173
I need Fred Wolf's ass in this car now.
1267
01:14:38,173 --> 01:14:38,400
I need Fred Wolf's ass in this car now.
1268
01:14:38,507 --> 01:14:41,340
Pete! Holy shit, man. You know what?
1269
01:14:41,443 --> 01:14:42,842
I've been going through it in my head.
1270
01:14:42,945 --> 01:14:45,072
Fifty different ways
on how to apologize to you
1271
01:14:45,180 --> 01:14:46,875
for what I said that day, man.
1272
01:14:46,982 --> 01:14:49,507
We're all sorry
about all the stuff we said.
1273
01:14:49,618 --> 01:14:52,018
Hey, man, the world keeps turning,
you know?
1274
01:14:52,120 --> 01:14:54,611
Hey, dads may die
and you may miss him every day,
1275
01:14:54,723 --> 01:14:56,350
but you still have your friends.
1276
01:14:56,458 --> 01:14:58,619
That was beautiful, man. Take a bow.
1277
01:15:00,062 --> 01:15:01,393
Asshole!
1278
01:15:01,497 --> 01:15:03,965
Why are they using such bad language?
1279
01:15:04,066 --> 01:15:06,660
Yeah, I called Lawson,
and he was mad at first.
1280
01:15:06,768 --> 01:15:10,727
He said, Bigfoot thing
was the craziest thing he ever saw.
1281
01:15:10,839 --> 01:15:14,138
Well, then he never saw R. Kelly's
Trapped in a Fucking Closet!
1282
01:15:14,243 --> 01:15:16,837
But he said
if we could get a shark attack on film,
1283
01:15:16,945 --> 01:15:18,742
he'd put us back on the air.
1284
01:15:22,985 --> 01:15:25,317
So get in the fucking car and let's go!
1285
01:15:29,324 --> 01:15:30,313
Get in there!
1286
01:15:39,001 --> 01:15:40,992
Excuse me. I didn't say... Hey, hey, hey!
1287
01:15:41,904 --> 01:15:43,599
Hi, Ed, how are you?
1288
01:15:43,705 --> 01:15:46,572
We got a shark episode
with a shark attack.
1289
01:15:49,344 --> 01:15:53,178
Hi, I'm Peter Gaulke
and this is Strange Wilderness.
1290
01:15:53,282 --> 01:15:56,809
The ocean. Many words
have been used to describe it.
1291
01:15:56,919 --> 01:15:59,353
And now you can add one more.
Dangerous.
1292
01:15:59,454 --> 01:16:01,615
Why? The shark.
1293
01:16:01,723 --> 01:16:03,520
It was one year ago today,
1294
01:16:03,625 --> 01:16:07,083
that Danny was brutally attacked
on this very spot
1295
01:16:07,195 --> 01:16:09,686
by one of these killing machines.
1296
01:16:10,632 --> 01:16:16,332
In today's show, we'll be taking
a close look at this mysterious creature
1297
01:16:16,438 --> 01:16:20,033
that should be named
"the asshole of the sea."
1298
01:16:20,642 --> 01:16:22,473
Menacing and terrifying,
1299
01:16:22,578 --> 01:16:27,242
the shark has been menacing
and terrifying for over a decade.
1300
01:16:27,349 --> 01:16:30,648
Sharks can only be found
in two places on earth,
1301
01:16:30,752 --> 01:16:34,017
the Northern
and Southern Hemispheres.
1302
01:16:34,122 --> 01:16:39,059
This shark is called a Hammerhead
because his head looks like a hammer.
1303
01:16:39,161 --> 01:16:41,527
These sharks
are attacking Nicole Richie.
1304
01:16:43,865 --> 01:16:46,834
Yes, the shark is a... What the fuck!
1305
01:16:46,935 --> 01:16:49,699
Look at that thing's teeth.
1306
01:17:13,729 --> 01:17:15,196
Okay, you guys ready?
1307
01:17:15,297 --> 01:17:17,993
I've never been more ready
in my fucking life.
1308
01:17:18,100 --> 01:17:21,092
It's like that shark was gnawing on me
like a rawhide stick.
1309
01:17:21,203 --> 01:17:22,500
- This one's for you, Danny.
- How old are those?
1310
01:17:22,604 --> 01:17:24,003
Three weeks old.
1311
01:17:25,941 --> 01:17:27,272
For you, Danny.
1312
01:17:28,710 --> 01:17:30,371
Oh, my God, it's gonna come up.
1313
01:17:30,479 --> 01:17:31,878
Give me that shit.
1314
01:17:36,385 --> 01:17:39,183
All right, let's do this.
Fred, lower the steak.
1315
01:17:39,287 --> 01:17:41,380
All right, come on. Let's do this.
1316
01:17:42,391 --> 01:17:44,325
That's him. That's that same fucker.
1317
01:17:44,426 --> 01:17:46,087
There's a fin. I see a fin.
1318
01:17:46,194 --> 01:17:47,627
- I see it, too.
- Hey, shark!
1319
01:17:47,729 --> 01:17:50,892
We got something for you,
you fucking asshole!
1320
01:17:52,434 --> 01:17:53,867
Oh, my God, he's...
1321
01:17:58,073 --> 01:17:59,734
That was awesome.
1322
01:18:01,810 --> 01:18:05,177
Fuck you, motherfucker!
How did that shit taste?
1323
01:18:10,318 --> 01:18:11,808
That did it.
1324
01:18:13,221 --> 01:18:14,415
Pete...
1325
01:18:15,490 --> 01:18:17,890
Pete, people love shark attacks.
1326
01:18:17,993 --> 01:18:20,896
Besides, Pierson's dead,
so you're back on the air.
1327
01:18:20,896 --> 01:18:21,123
Besides, Pierson's dead,
so you're back on the air.
1328
01:18:26,034 --> 01:18:28,002
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.