1
00:00:09,259 --> 00:00:18,059
Subtitles & Sync By
<font color="#00ff00">FridayToker</font>

2
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[keys jangling]

3
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Before we begin,

4
00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:44,804
I just want to ask you
to turn off your phone.

5
00:00:44,805 --> 00:00:46,527
I say that 'cause I was
at a movie recently,

6
00:00:46,528 --> 00:00:49,410
and the guy next to me answered
his phone during the movie.

7
00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:52,210
And he answered it by saying-
and I quote...

8
00:00:52,211 --> 00:00:55,279
he said, "Who dis?"

9
00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:57,442
Which means, not only was he
willing to talk to someone;

10
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He was willing
to talk to anyone.

11
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He didn't care who it "das."

12
00:01:01,366 --> 00:01:02,959
Thanks.

13
00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:04,883
I'm not sure what the past tense
of "dis" is,

14
00:01:04,884 --> 00:01:08,239
but he did not care
who it "das."

15
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I'm gonna tell you a story,
and-and it's true.

16
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I always have to tell people
that because, inevitably,

17
00:01:13,406 --> 00:01:15,241
someone will come up to me,
and they'll be like,

18
00:01:15,242 --> 00:01:16,319
"Was that true?"

19
00:01:16,320 --> 00:01:17,765
And I'll be like, "Yeah."

20
00:01:17,766 --> 00:01:20,599
And they'll be like,
"Was it?"

21
00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:22,011
I don't know
how to respond to that.

22
00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:24,082
Like, I guess I could
say it louder, you know,

23
00:01:24,083 --> 00:01:25,319
like, "yeah!"

24
00:01:25,320 --> 00:01:26,810
They'd be like,
"it's probably true.

25
00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:28,086
He said it louder."

26
00:01:28,087 --> 00:01:29,079
Oh, God.

27
00:01:29,080 --> 00:01:30,366
Oh, are you okay?

28
00:01:30,367 --> 00:01:31,639
Yes, yes.

29
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It all started
when my girlfriend Abby and I

30
00:01:33,450 --> 00:01:35,719
decided to move in together.

31
00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:38,087
I wasn't entirely sure
it was the best idea.

32
00:01:38,088 --> 00:01:40,759
Hardwood floors, lots of room.

33
00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:43,921
My apartment now is only
slightly bigger than my body.

34
00:01:43,922 --> 00:01:45,204
So this is better?

35
00:01:45,205 --> 00:01:46,486
Yeah, yeah, this is better.

36
00:01:46,487 --> 00:01:47,599
Good.

37
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It's so dark in here,
so we can paint.

38
00:01:49,126 --> 00:01:50,519
Yeah. Yeah.

39
00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:52,602
Well, if you like it,
you should act quickly,

40
00:01:52,603 --> 00:01:54,559
because this will go today.

41
00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:56,562
Well, I love it.

42
00:01:58,240 --> 00:01:59,603
Matt, do you love it?

43
00:01:59,604 --> 00:02:01,250
Do you-
what do you want...

44
00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:03,641
Iwell, I mean, do you think
we should see other places,

45
00:02:03,642 --> 00:02:06,120
or are we rushing here?

46
00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:11,239
Mm, well...

47
00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:12,519
Mm...

48
00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:14,010
Mm?

49
00:02:15,640 --> 00:02:17,119
Yeah.

50
00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:18,519
We'll take it.

51
00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:20,090
Good.
Let's fill out...

52
00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:22,604
I just didn't feel like
my life was on sure footing.

53
00:02:22,605 --> 00:02:23,931
You know, Abby was always

54
00:02:23,920 --> 00:02:26,159
the more focused
of the two of us.

55
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:28,322
Abby was teaching
these vocal workshops

56
00:02:28,323 --> 00:02:32,159
at a studio in Brooklyn,
and her students loved her.

57
00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:35,639
Meanwhile, I was trying
to be a comedian,

58
00:02:35,640 --> 00:02:38,639
which was not going so well.

59
00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:41,562
When I was a kid,
I wanted to be a comedian,

60
00:02:41,563 --> 00:02:44,084
a rapper, or the owner
of a pizza restaurant

61
00:02:44,085 --> 00:02:46,319
where third graders
could hang out.

62
00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:48,844
I didn't realize that
instead of being a comedian,

63
00:02:48,845 --> 00:02:51,002
I would end up
just working at a bar

64
00:02:51,003 --> 00:02:52,799
where they have comedy.

65
00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:54,159
Like, over time,

66
00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:56,479
I've learned to become
more realistic about my goals.

67
00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:58,082
Like, over time, for me,

68
00:02:58,083 --> 00:03:01,084
the dream has gone from
getting famous doing comedy

69
00:03:01,085 --> 00:03:04,679
to making a living doing comedy

70
00:03:04,680 --> 00:03:07,279
to finding $20 in the street.

71
00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:08,850
I feel like that's
way more realistic...

72
00:03:08,851 --> 00:03:11,079
So it wasn't going too well.

73
00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:13,524
But I kept telling myself
that it <i>was,</i>

74
00:03:13,525 --> 00:03:15,998
because you-
I think, to be a comedian,

75
00:03:15,999 --> 00:03:18,126
you have to be
a little bit delusional.

76
00:03:18,127 --> 00:03:19,690
Particularly starting out,

77
00:03:19,691 --> 00:03:22,359
there's just so much failure.

78
00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:25,409
And amidst that failure,
you have to tell yourself,

79
00:03:25,410 --> 00:03:27,959
"it's going quite nicely."

80
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:31,726
Because if you didn't, you would
just never get onstage again.

81
00:03:31,727 --> 00:03:35,725
You'd be like, "I guess
human beings don't like me."

82
00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:39,880
That's a hard reality to face.

83
00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:43,643
As a matter of fact,
there are a lot of realities

84
00:03:43,644 --> 00:03:45,961
I have a hard time facing.

85
00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:51,201
But we'll get to that later.

86
00:03:58,720 --> 00:03:59,919
Hey...

87
00:03:59,920 --> 00:04:01,239
Hi.

88
00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:03,081
I, uh-l packed
the blue thing

89
00:04:03,082 --> 00:04:04,969
and then the pink thing
that goes under it.

90
00:04:04,970 --> 00:04:06,079
Perfect.

91
00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:07,079
And I got you these.

92
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,364
They didn't have unsalted,

93
00:04:08,365 --> 00:04:10,247
so I flew to Africa
and got you those, specially.

94
00:04:10,248 --> 00:04:11,890
Thank you, Abby.
That was a great class.

95
00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:13,086
Oh, bye, Martin.
Thanks.

96
00:04:13,087 --> 00:04:14,319
Thanks.

97
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:15,444
Listen, the class was not...

98
00:04:15,445 --> 00:04:16,930
Really?
That guy seemed happy.

99
00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:18,081
And could you sign that?

100
00:04:18,082 --> 00:04:19,599
That's for Janet.

101
00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:21,521
They have a whole section now

102
00:04:21,522 --> 00:04:23,600
for "Your Sister's
Engagement Party" cards.

103
00:04:23,601 --> 00:04:25,602
Wow.
This is really specific.

104
00:04:25,603 --> 00:04:26,719
Yeah.

105
00:04:26,720 --> 00:04:28,529
I was gonna cross some stuff
out, you know...

106
00:04:28,530 --> 00:04:29,839
Yeah?

107
00:04:29,840 --> 00:04:31,171
No mention of divorce rate
or...

108
00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:32,398
Do you want me
to write that in?

109
00:04:32,399 --> 00:04:34,164
<i>- Yeah, you could write it in.
- [giggles]</i>

110
00:04:34,165 --> 00:04:35,959
To Janet and Philip.

111
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:39,123
Last year, my younger sister
Janet got engaged.

112
00:04:39,124 --> 00:04:40,679
That's Janet.

113
00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:42,599
And those are my parents.

114
00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:45,439
You know, marriage is like...

115
00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:47,247
Well, you know,
it's like this cake, you know?

116
00:04:47,248 --> 00:04:48,364
When you first bite into it,

117
00:04:48,365 --> 00:04:49,850
you can't imagine
anything better,

118
00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:51,171
and you eat, and you eat,

119
00:04:51,172 --> 00:04:54,199
and then maybe
you've had enough cake.

120
00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:57,479
My mom seems
to drive my father insane.

121
00:04:57,480 --> 00:04:59,685
She always wants to add
one more thing.

122
00:04:59,686 --> 00:05:01,362
Ooh, and one more thing.

123
00:05:01,363 --> 00:05:04,967
But it's rarely anything that
deserves to be one more thing.

124
00:05:04,968 --> 00:05:07,406
I got the cake on the internet.

125
00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:10,959
You're next.

126
00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:12,323
Oh, yeah, just look around,
man.

127
00:05:12,324 --> 00:05:14,084
All of this is-
it's coming your way, baby.

128
00:05:14,085 --> 00:05:15,159
Batter up.

129
00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:16,491
Oh, she's beautiful.

130
00:05:16,492 --> 00:05:17,799
Look at her.

131
00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:19,919
She's a keeper.

132
00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:21,239
[both giggle]

133
00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:24,242
Philip proposed to Janet
2 years after they met.

134
00:05:24,243 --> 00:05:25,319
It was 2 1/2 years.

135
00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:26,365
It was almost 3.

136
00:05:26,366 --> 00:05:27,486
2 1/2 years after they met.

137
00:05:27,487 --> 00:05:28,559
Very sweet.

138
00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:29,999
It was so sweet.

139
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:33,004
And, boy, they've come
a long way since then,

140
00:05:33,005 --> 00:05:34,599
because Janet told me

141
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:36,600
that at the end
of their first date...

142
00:05:36,601 --> 00:05:38,441
Mom, you don't have to tell
that story.

143
00:05:38,442 --> 00:05:39,644
That's not necessary.

144
00:05:39,645 --> 00:05:42,166
Philip said,
at the end of their first date,

145
00:05:42,167 --> 00:05:43,919
"Good night, Gina."

146
00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:46,319
And her name is Janet.

147
00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:49,599
He didn't know her name, honey.

148
00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:51,566
Linda, what are you
talking about in there?

149
00:05:51,567 --> 00:05:53,845
Oh, Frank,
we're talking in here.

150
00:05:53,846 --> 00:05:55,044
You ought to join us.

151
00:05:55,045 --> 00:05:56,804
Well, I know her name now.

152
00:05:56,805 --> 00:05:58,848
I only call her "Gina" in bed.

153
00:05:58,849 --> 00:06:01,079
You can't say that.

154
00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:03,003
Just tell me,
what are you talking about?

155
00:06:03,004 --> 00:06:06,679
Philip knows Janet's name!

156
00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:10,730
Matt, how long have
you and Abby been together?

157
00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:16,799
Eight-eight years.

158
00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:17,919
Eight years.

159
00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:20,679
I don't remember it
being so long.

160
00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:22,569
That's silly.
That's ridiculous.

161
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:26,719
I used to save everything.

162
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,371
Listen to this email that
you sent me sophomore spring.

163
00:06:29,372 --> 00:06:31,199
I actually printed these.

164
00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:33,246
That's very generous of you.

165
00:06:33,247 --> 00:06:35,242
You're very stingy with toner.

166
00:06:35,243 --> 00:06:36,479
[hiccups] Oh.

167
00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:39,079
Aw...

168
00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:40,921
"Matt, my parents want me
to go to law school,

169
00:06:40,922 --> 00:06:42,204
"but I'm like, 'Whatever.

170
00:06:42,205 --> 00:06:43,770
I'm gonna move to New York
with my band."'

171
00:06:43,760 --> 00:06:45,965
Oh, yeah, and then that band
will break up,

172
00:06:45,966 --> 00:06:47,562
and then I'll have
another band,

173
00:06:47,563 --> 00:06:48,891
and then that band
will break up,

174
00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:49,925
and then I'll teach...

175
00:06:49,926 --> 00:06:50,921
[hiccups] Oh, my God.

176
00:06:50,922 --> 00:06:52,079
- Ahl.
- [gasps]

177
00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:55,479
Shh, you're gonna wake up
my parents.

178
00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:57,519
"You're a keeper."

179
00:06:57,520 --> 00:06:59,839
Right.
And what does that imply?

180
00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:01,604
That you're onna
rip a hook out of my mouth

181
00:07:01,605 --> 00:07:02,919
and throw me back?

182
00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:05,759
They're gonna let me live?

183
00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:06,999
Oh...

184
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:08,161
Here.

185
00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:11,845
And Uncle Max is so subtle

186
00:07:11,846 --> 00:07:15,279
with that whole,
"You're next," thing.

187
00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:19,759
It's just like, these people
just have no lives, you know?

188
00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:23,367
I mean, you don't want
to get married, right?

189
00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:28,561
[exhales]

190
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:32,479
Are you asking?

191
00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:35,239
Nu'

192
00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:37,766
Then, no, I guess.

193
00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:51,959
Abby, there's a jackal
in the room.

194
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:53,559
[thudding]

195
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:56,599
Abby, there's a jackal
in the room!

196
00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:59,079
What?

197
00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:01,439
There's a jackal, right there.

198
00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:02,601
There's no jackal.

199
00:08:02,602 --> 00:08:04,599
Come back to bed.

200
00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:06,639
What's going on?

201
00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:08,359
There, there.

202
00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:09,959
[thudding]

203
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:11,479
Matthew?

204
00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:14,119
[whispering] There's a jackal.

205
00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:16,407
That's-there's no jackal,
Matthew.

206
00:08:16,408 --> 00:08:18,679
That's the hamper.

207
00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:21,199
Go to bed, sweetie.

208
00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:23,851
[door clicks shut]

209
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:29,131
"There's a jackal in the room,"
right, son?

210
00:08:29,132 --> 00:08:32,119
"Sweetheart, wake up.
There is no jackal.

211
00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:33,279
Wake up."

212
00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:34,518
I think they get it, Mom, yeah.

213
00:08:34,519 --> 00:08:35,758
Oh, oh, and he's in this, like,

214
00:08:35,759 --> 00:08:37,726
little karate pose,
so sweet, in the corner.

215
00:08:37,727 --> 00:08:40,085
And he didn't even take karate,
though.

216
00:08:40,086 --> 00:08:41,730
Hey, Matt, you were no belt
in karate, I believe?

217
00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:42,844
That's what it was.

218
00:08:42,845 --> 00:08:44,044
<i>- How are you at kung fu?
- Pretty good.</i>

219
00:08:44,045 --> 00:08:45,199
Dad, what are you doing?

220
00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:46,850
How long has this sleepwalking
been going on?

221
00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:48,681
No, Dad, you're gonna get
another heart attack if...

222
00:08:48,682 --> 00:08:49,966
- Calm down.
- Oh, hush, hush.

223
00:08:49,967 --> 00:08:51,199
He doesn't care.

224
00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:52,850
You know,
I work with some physicians

225
00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:55,446
over at the hospital who
specialize in sleep disorders.

226
00:08:55,447 --> 00:08:57,319
I could make a referral.

227
00:08:57,320 --> 00:09:00,999
That might be really helpful.

228
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:02,445
I don't think
it's that serious.

229
00:09:02,446 --> 00:09:05,199
You know,
it's only happened once.

230
00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:06,719
Probably just a fluke.

231
00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:10,279
Well, it's something
to keep an eye on.

232
00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:13,887
Abby, can I count on you
to tell me if it happens again?

233
00:09:13,888 --> 00:09:14,999
Thank you.

234
00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:16,411
This bacon is delicious, honey.

235
00:09:16,412 --> 00:09:18,243
Really greasy.

236
00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:24,763
<i>[electronic voice]
Turn right on Horse Neck Road.</i>

237
00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:31,759
You need money?

238
00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:33,719
No, Dad, I have a job.

239
00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:36,119
[laughs]

240
00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:37,404
Why is that funny?

241
00:09:37,405 --> 00:09:39,926
Well, you need some goddamn
reality testin.

242
00:09:39,927 --> 00:09:41,439
You need a car?

243
00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:43,249
No, I don't really drive.

244
00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:44,279
Right.

245
00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:45,279
You could have this car.

246
00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:46,520
We're giving it up.

247
00:09:46,521 --> 00:09:47,559
I don't know.

248
00:09:47,560 --> 00:09:50,086
What do you think, Abby?

249
00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:56,249
[train bell clanging]

250
00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:00,199
Oh, Matt, uh...

251
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:01,359
'lo! I '

252
00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:03,522
No, take it.

253
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:08,124
- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.

254
00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:21,959
[sighs]

255
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:23,799
Are we okay?

256
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:26,119
Is something wrong?

257
00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:27,281
Matt, I'm not saying

258
00:10:27,282 --> 00:10:31,119
I need to get married right now
or anythin.

259
00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:34,124
Just-the idea that I spend
all of my time with a person

260
00:10:34,125 --> 00:10:38,879
who can't even imagine that
as a possibility is just weird.

261
00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:40,245
I know what you mean.

262
00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:44,159
What can I say?

263
00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:45,439
She was right.

264
00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:47,122
But at this point in my life,

265
00:10:47,123 --> 00:10:50,201
I mean, I was figuring out
some really basic stuff like:

266
00:10:50,202 --> 00:10:51,725
What am I gonna do
with my life,

267
00:10:51,726 --> 00:10:54,519
and where do you buy cereal?

268
00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:55,839
You know?

269
00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:58,159
I mean, I never thought
of marriage as a goal.

270
00:10:58,160 --> 00:11:00,001
Like, I never looked
at my parents' marriage

271
00:11:00,002 --> 00:11:02,287
or really anyone who'd been
married more than 30 years

272
00:11:02,288 --> 00:11:05,648
and thought, "I got to get me
some of that."

273
00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:11,680
But Abby was the greatest person
I'd ever met in my life.

274
00:11:11,681 --> 00:11:15,839
I fell for Abby
from the moment I saw her.

275
00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:18,045
She had this big,
beautiful smile.

276
00:11:18,046 --> 00:11:21,601
Like, it seemed like her teeth
were bigger than her head

277
00:11:21,602 --> 00:11:23,359
but in a sexy way.

278
00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:25,319
[cheers and applause]

279
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:27,527
So I built up the courage
to say...

280
00:11:27,528 --> 00:11:29,159
Hey.

281
00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:30,759
. <i>Hey...</i>

282
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:32,799
II just wanted to say,

283
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:34,370
I really was moved
by your performance

284
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:35,883
just, like, on every level.

285
00:11:35,884 --> 00:11:37,086
Almost sounds creepy.

286
00:11:37,087 --> 00:11:40,159
No, I meant it
in some of the creepy ways.

287
00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:41,889
I kept running into her
on campus...

288
00:11:41,890 --> 00:11:43,119
Hey.

289
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:44,451
Because I was following her.

290
00:11:44,452 --> 00:11:45,959
Matt.
Matt. Matt.

291
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:47,599
<i>_</i> Hey, Abby.

292
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:48,761
Hey, Matt, right?

293
00:11:48,762 --> 00:11:49,799
Yeah.

294
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:51,243
And I'd see her, and I'd say...

295
00:11:51,244 --> 00:11:53,639
Hey, are you free, like,
this weekend?

296
00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:55,481
She'd say no,
which was hot also,

297
00:11:55,482 --> 00:11:57,162
'cause I knew she was sensible.

298
00:11:57,163 --> 00:11:59,206
No, really, we're arranging
four new sons,

299
00:11:59,207 --> 00:12:00,484
and they all need rehearsal...

300
00:12:00,485 --> 00:12:02,289
Eventually, I threw her
an off-speed pitch.

301
00:12:02,290 --> 00:12:03,399
I said...

302
00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:04,811
Do you want to go
to church sometime?

303
00:12:04,812 --> 00:12:06,319
What?

304
00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:08,480
Well, I haven't been to church
since I was, like, ten,

305
00:12:08,481 --> 00:12:10,321
but there's this nice chapel
here on campus,

306
00:12:10,322 --> 00:12:12,161
and I was thinking,
if the date doesn't go well,

307
00:12:12,162 --> 00:12:13,889
maybe we'll get something
out of the homily.

308
00:12:13,890 --> 00:12:15,079
[laughs]

309
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:16,730
♪ Now, now, now, now,
now, now, now ♪

310
00:12:16,731 --> 00:12:20,399
♪ Now, now, now, now,
now, now, now ♪

311
00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,839
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

312
00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:24,490
Abby actually
had to convince me

313
00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:26,050
to have sex for the first time.

314
00:12:26,051 --> 00:12:28,079
I think I really want to.

315
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:29,159
Yeah.

316
00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:30,205
[door squeaks open]

317
00:12:30,206 --> 00:12:31,247
Get out of here!

318
00:12:31,248 --> 00:12:32,479
<i>Sorry.</i>

319
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,287
She decided we'd go
to a bed-and-breakfast,

320
00:12:34,288 --> 00:12:35,484
because nothing alleviates

321
00:12:35,485 --> 00:12:37,323
the fear of sex
for the first time

322
00:12:37,324 --> 00:12:39,679
like a really elaborate plan.

323
00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:42,158
It was, like, a reversal
of those '80s high school movies

324
00:12:42,159 --> 00:12:45,004
where the girl is like,
"Devin, I can't."

325
00:12:45,005 --> 00:12:47,319
And Devin's like,
"But you can."

326
00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:50,483
She was Devin,
and I was Molly Ringwald.

327
00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:55,120
I think falling in love
for the first time

328
00:12:55,121 --> 00:12:57,120
is such a transcendent feeling.

329
00:12:57,121 --> 00:13:00,442
You know, it's like eating
pizza-flavored ice cream.

330
00:13:00,443 --> 00:13:04,959
Your brain can't even process
that level of joy.

331
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:06,799
[applause]

332
00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:08,131
Is there anyone else?

333
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:12,079
Yeah?

334
00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:13,799
Yeah?
Come on.

335
00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:15,719
[applause]

336
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:17,051
Whoo!

337
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:24,719
Uh, I was thinking about
Cookie Monster, you know?

338
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:28,039
And I was just thinking, like,
do you think he...

339
00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:29,769
this guy has
an eating disorder?

340
00:13:29,770 --> 00:13:31,999
Like, all he eats is cookies,

341
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:34,319
and he doesn't even
have a throat.

342
00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:36,448
You know, like,
he's only fooling himself.

343
00:13:36,449 --> 00:13:38,919
Um, and I was...

344
00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:41,922
like, I was thinking about
stick insects, you know?

345
00:13:41,923 --> 00:13:43,251
And, like,
if I were an insect...

346
00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:44,763
I'm not an insect.
Like, I know that.

347
00:13:44,764 --> 00:13:46,203
But, like, if I were
an insect, like,

348
00:13:46,204 --> 00:13:47,531
I'd hate to be a stick insect

349
00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:48,724
'cause all the other insects

350
00:13:48,725 --> 00:13:50,163
are always, like,
bumping into you

351
00:13:50,164 --> 00:13:51,683
'cause they don't know
you're there,

352
00:13:51,684 --> 00:13:53,203
"and you got to just be like,
'Watch it."

353
00:13:53,204 --> 00:13:55,280
And they're like,
"Yeah, you look like a stick."

354
00:13:55,281 --> 00:13:57,724
And you're just like,
"Yeah, I have eyes."

355
00:13:57,725 --> 00:14:00,564
And they're like,
"Yeah, they were closed.

356
00:14:00,565 --> 00:14:03,559
More sticks."

357
00:14:03,560 --> 00:14:05,085
That's all the jokes I have.

358
00:14:05,086 --> 00:14:06,479
[applause]

359
00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:08,519
Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!

360
00:14:08,520 --> 00:14:10,439
[applause]

361
00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:12,359
That was amazing.
Yeah?

362
00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:14,010
That was a comedian.

363
00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:18,447
I really feel like
our whole lives,

364
00:14:18,448 --> 00:14:20,520
no matter how low
our self-esteem gets,

365
00:14:20,521 --> 00:14:22,522
there's some part of us
that thinks,

366
00:14:22,523 --> 00:14:26,519
"I have a secret special skill
that no one knows about."

367
00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:29,719
And eventually,
we meet someone who's like,

368
00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:32,239
"You have a secret
special skill."

369
00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:35,079
And you're like, "I know.
So do you."

370
00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:38,679
Let's eat pizza-flavored
ice cream together."

371
00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:40,679
And that's love.

372
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:43,604
It's a mountain
of pizza-flavored ice cream.

373
00:14:43,605 --> 00:14:45,443
And delusion.

374
00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:53,643
<i>You had a nice, big wedding?</i>

375
00:14:53,644 --> 00:14:55,606
<i>Yeah, it was really beautiful.</i>

376
00:14:55,607 --> 00:14:56,724
<i>You guys grow up together?</i>

377
00:14:56,725 --> 00:14:57,844
<i>You could say so.</i>

378
00:14:57,845 --> 00:14:59,044
<i>We lived in the same borough.</i>

379
00:14:59,045 --> 00:15:00,451
<i>Like, one train ride away.</i>

380
00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:02,204
<i>So Tommy's a good-looking guy,
huh?</i>

381
00:15:02,205 --> 00:15:03,799
<i>Well, I think so.</i>

382
00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:05,370
<i>You think it was love
at first sight?</i>

383
00:15:05,371 --> 00:15:06,839
<i>Oh, absolutely, yeah.</i>

384
00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:09,125
<i>Tommy, what's your favourite
thing about Tammy?</i>

385
00:15:09,126 --> 00:15:11,088
<i>I like how Tammy's beautiful
on the outside.</i>

386
00:15:11,089 --> 00:15:13,039
<i>When you get to know her,</i>

387
00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:14,927
you realize she's beautiful
on the inside.

388
00:15:14,928 --> 00:15:16,922
<i>Well, I didn't know
what Prince Charming was</i>

389
00:15:16,923 --> 00:15:18,239
<i>until I met Tommy.</i>

390
00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:22,159
<i>And now I know
what Prince Charming is.</i>

391
00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:23,879
[chortles]

392
00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:26,359
Honey, did you record this?

393
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:30,039
<i>[stately organ music]</i>

394
00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:33,044
[electronic beeping]

395
00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:44,319
[sighs]

396
00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:46,719
She could just like
those shows.

397
00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:49,085
I don't think anyone
likes those shows.

398
00:15:49,086 --> 00:15:50,127
I like those shows.

399
00:15:50,128 --> 00:15:51,959
Oh, sorry.

400
00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:52,959
II don't know.

401
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:54,121
Sorry.
Could you hold this?

402
00:15:54,122 --> 00:15:55,919
Yeah.

403
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:58,762
I just don't understand
what the big deal is.

404
00:15:58,763 --> 00:16:00,410
Right, like, I-
I don't know.

405
00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:01,604
I just had always assumed

406
00:16:01,605 --> 00:16:03,568
that you guys would get married,
you know?

407
00:16:03,569 --> 00:16:04,759
She's amazing.

408
00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:06,250
I think that's the problem.

409
00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:08,127
You know, it's like,
that's how Mom and Dad feel,

410
00:16:08,128 --> 00:16:09,802
and that's how
me and Abby's friends feel.

411
00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:13,327
Like, I think everyone thinks
the best thing about my life

412
00:16:13,328 --> 00:16:16,959
is my girlfriend.

413
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:20,203
It'syou're-
you're gonna be fine.

414
00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:25,599
It sounds to me like
you just need a little space.

415
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,682
Yeah.
No, you're probably right.

416
00:16:27,683 --> 00:16:31,239
You guys should take
a breather.

417
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:32,526
What does that even mean now?

418
00:16:32,527 --> 00:16:36,239
I mean, is it-like, she has sex
with some stranger?

419
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:37,559
Yes.
Probably.

420
00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:38,923
[laughing] That's unbearable.

421
00:16:38,924 --> 00:16:40,363
Yeah, but-no, but you would
never know about it.

422
00:16:40,364 --> 00:16:41,521
<i>- That's worse.
- I know.</i>

423
00:16:41,522 --> 00:16:42,759
' Right?

424
00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:44,965
No, do people ever take,
like, a "no sex" breather?

425
00:16:44,966 --> 00:16:46,610
Is that something
that people could do?

426
00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:47,679
<i>- No.
- Do people have that?</i>

427
00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:48,920
No, I don't think
anyone has that.

428
00:16:48,921 --> 00:16:50,759
<i>- No? Okay.
- No.</i>

429
00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:52,159
[sighs]

430
00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:56,879
You should-
you should talk to her.

431
00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:58,723
Bring it up with her.
See what she says.

432
00:16:58,724 --> 00:16:59,919
Yeah.

433
00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:02,879
No, I-
Yeah, I'm gonna do...

434
00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:04,564
Any wealthy people
with us tonight?

435
00:17:04,565 --> 00:17:07,079
Any ultrarich millionaires?

436
00:17:07,080 --> 00:17:08,241
[whistling and shouting]

437
00:17:08,242 --> 00:17:09,679
I doubt it.

438
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:11,965
I've actually begun
dipping a few of my own toes

439
00:17:11,966 --> 00:17:13,530
in the financial waters.

440
00:17:13,531 --> 00:17:17,519
I've discovered I can turn
$1,000 into $420

441
00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:18,919
in less than a week.

442
00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:20,599
[laughter]

443
00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:22,839
I have the rest of my money
in one of these online banks.

444
00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:24,044
Anyone else have money tied up

445
00:17:24,045 --> 00:17:25,371
in one of these shady
institutions?

446
00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:26,600
Are you okay, Pandamiglio?

447
00:17:26,601 --> 00:17:29,279
Yeah, yeah, I'm good.

448
00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:32,329
. <i>Hey...</i>

449
00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:36,599
You okay?

450
00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:39,519
"- Yeah.
Just"

451
00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:43,199
I was just talking to Janet
and-uh, today.

452
00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:45,639
She-she had this thought.

453
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:47,404
Oh.
What was the thought?

454
00:17:47,405 --> 00:17:49,050
Well...

455
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:53,250
Um, well,
she was saying that...

456
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:54,571
Can I get a Jameson rocks?

457
00:17:54,572 --> 00:17:56,039
Yeah, yeah.

458
00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:57,119
Great set.

459
00:17:57,120 --> 00:18:00,239
<i>I, uh-
I'm a comedian as well.</i>

460
00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:02,719
I perform here sometimes.

461
00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:03,919
Jameson...

462
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:05,719
Oh, sure.

463
00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:07,399
Anyway, it's, uh...

464
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:09,528
She just had this thought
where she was just like...

465
00:18:09,529 --> 00:18:10,559
Hey, guys!

466
00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:11,559
Hey!

467
00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:12,559
Hello!

468
00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:13,686
There's our guy.

469
00:18:13,687 --> 00:18:14,679
So adorable.

470
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:15,681
<i>- Yeah.
- Hi, Butler.</i>

471
00:18:15,682 --> 00:18:17,959
Nice boots.

472
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:19,928
Hey, can we get
a couple free drinks?

473
00:18:19,929 --> 00:18:21,119
Yes.
Yeah, no.

474
00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:22,690
Actually, guys, you know,

475
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:24,282
Matt and I were gonna have
a little talk,

476
00:18:24,283 --> 00:18:26,280
so maybe <i>we</i> could
just talk for a second,

477
00:18:26,281 --> 00:18:27,279
and I'll come right back.

478
00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:28,439
It's no big deal, you know?

479
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,442
You guys having, like,
a talk-talk?

480
00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:31,759
Like a Cosby talk?

481
00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:34,125
No, no, no.
It's not a big deal.

482
00:18:34,126 --> 00:18:36,405
Well, is it the, "Theo getting
bad grades in school" talk

483
00:18:36,406 --> 00:18:39,131
or the "Vanessa dating for
the first time" kind of talk?

484
00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:40,563
Yeah, I think it's neither.

485
00:18:40,564 --> 00:18:41,891
But we can talk later.

486
00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:43,211
No, it's fine.
We can talk now.

487
00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:44,404
Just give me a second.
Here.

488
00:18:44,405 --> 00:18:46,164
Yeah, totally.
No, we'll wait over there.

489
00:18:46,165 --> 00:18:48,759
<i>- Okay.
- Bye.</i>

490
00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:50,159
Anyway...

491
00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:52,525
Pandamiglio, we're still
waiting on Terrence to show up.

492
00:18:52,526 --> 00:18:54,122
You want to do five?
Yeah.

493
00:18:54,123 --> 00:18:55,201
I'm gonna bring you on now.

494
00:18:55,202 --> 00:18:56,399
Okay.
Sure.

495
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,799
Um, oh, we can talk later.

496
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:00,211
<i>- Okay, have a good set.
- All right.</i>

497
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:02,007
You may have seen this next uy

498
00:19:02,008 --> 00:19:03,729
crushing mint into your mojito.

499
00:19:03,730 --> 00:19:07,399
Please welcome
Matt Pandamiglio.

500
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:11,159
[applause]

501
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:12,519
Thanks.

502
00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:15,759
Um, I was watching TV
the other day,

503
00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:18,439
and I was watching The A-Team.

504
00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:21,123
And I-you know, sometimes
I feel like these guys

505
00:19:21,124 --> 00:19:22,451
aren't even trying, you know?

506
00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:25,044
Like, I feel like if you're
on the run from the law,

507
00:19:25,045 --> 00:19:28,201
you might want to go easy
on the gold chains and feathers.

508
00:19:28,202 --> 00:19:31,044
Like, maybe take the red stripe
off the van.

509
00:19:31,045 --> 00:19:33,159
Just a couple ideas.

510
00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:36,082
So he thought there was
a jackal in your hamper?

511
00:19:36,083 --> 00:19:38,401
<i>No, he thought the hamper
was a jackal.</i>

512
00:19:38,402 --> 00:19:39,559
Oh.

513
00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:40,879
<i>Ok3Y...</i>

514
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:42,639
It was this really...

515
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:45,610
it was really stressful, though,
that weekend...

516
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:47,965
his parents and relatives
and everything.

517
00:19:47,966 --> 00:19:50,167
Just kind of a weird time,
I guess.

518
00:19:50,168 --> 00:19:53,959
Well, you need to get you
one of these guys, huh?

519
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:55,689
That'll fix everything,
right, Petey?

520
00:19:55,690 --> 00:19:57,599
Oh, yeah, sure.

521
00:19:57,600 --> 00:19:58,679
Yeah?

522
00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:00,279
No, yeah.

523
00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:02,246
I don't know if I'm ready
for one of these.

524
00:20:02,247 --> 00:20:03,924
I don't know if Matt is either.

525
00:20:03,925 --> 00:20:05,199
Oh, come on.

526
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:07,328
Just tell him
Butler needs buddies.

527
00:20:07,329 --> 00:20:09,119
Yeah, I could say that.

528
00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:10,451
Butler needs some buddies.

529
00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:12,408
That-
I would never say that.

530
00:20:12,409 --> 00:20:15,639
Please welcome
Terrence Bailey, everybody.

531
00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:17,759
Terrence Bailey.

532
00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:20,764
[scattered applause]

533
00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:25,039
Hey.

534
00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:26,239
Hey!

535
00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:27,879
Yayl You were great!

536
00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:29,403
<i>- Oh, did you guys watch?
- Uh-uh.</i>

537
00:20:29,404 --> 00:20:31,400
We heard those jokes in college,
though,

538
00:20:31,401 --> 00:20:32,890
and they were funny then.

539
00:20:32,891 --> 00:20:34,079
Ah.

540
00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:36,319
Um, let me grab your empties.

541
00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:37,719
<i>Uno mas, monsieur.</i>

542
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:39,319
Thank you, bartender.

543
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:40,319
<i>Gracias.</i>

544
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:42,366
"What happened after dinner?"

545
00:20:42,367 --> 00:20:43,771
"We went back to my place."

546
00:20:43,772 --> 00:20:46,559
"Yeah.
Then what?"

547
00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:48,439
"Ah, started making out."

548
00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:52,126
"Yeah!
Then what?"

549
00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:04,919
Hey, man.

550
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:08,199
I was just-
I was just onstage.

551
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,119
Just did my set.

552
00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:12,598
This business is insane,
psychotic.

553
00:21:12,599 --> 00:21:14,045
What's your name again?
Mick?

554
00:21:14,046 --> 00:21:15,759
Matt.

555
00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:18,730
Mack, I'm out there onstage
killin, riht?

556
00:21:18,731 --> 00:21:20,119
Yeah.

557
00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:22,280
Meanwhile, I got friends
out in Hollywood,

558
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:23,805
terrible comics, the worst,

559
00:21:23,806 --> 00:21:27,079
just leaking this derivative,

560
00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:30,439
pandering comedic pus,
you know?

561
00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:32,439
But they're on sitcoms.

562
00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:33,599
Sure.

563
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:34,645
They have infinity pools.

564
00:21:34,646 --> 00:21:36,003
They're taking flying lessons.

565
00:21:36,004 --> 00:21:38,239
I know a guy with
a Wiffle Ball stadium.

566
00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:39,810
<i>- Yeah.
- Used to work here.</i>

567
00:21:39,811 --> 00:21:43,319
Now he's got a Wiffle Ball
stadium as a backyard.

568
00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:44,519
It's malignant.

569
00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:45,519
Yeah.

570
00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:46,724
I know what you mean.

571
00:21:46,725 --> 00:21:48,210
You see that woman over there,

572
00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:50,202
that mess with
the red roller suitcase?

573
00:21:50,203 --> 00:21:51,399
Yeah.

574
00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:54,519
That's my agent, colleen.
Useless.

575
00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:55,599
Right.

576
00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:56,838
I told her,
"Get me out of here.

577
00:21:56,839 --> 00:21:58,647
Get me on the road.
Get me some gigs out there."

578
00:21:58,648 --> 00:22:01,291
Comes back to me with six gigs
spread across five states.

579
00:22:01,292 --> 00:22:02,599
$150 a night.

580
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,359
Mmhmm.

581
00:22:04,360 --> 00:22:05,559
Pathetic.

582
00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:06,719
Hey, Ian, hi.

583
00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:07,879
Hey, Colleen, how are you?

584
00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:09,403
Thanks a lot
for those gigs last week.

585
00:22:09,404 --> 00:22:10,445
Hey, no problem.

586
00:22:10,446 --> 00:22:11,678
Yeah.
All right, I'm gonna go.

587
00:22:11,679 --> 00:22:13,123
Maybe I'll give you a buzz
tomorrow.

588
00:22:13,124 --> 00:22:14,485
All right.
That'll be nice. Okay.

589
00:22:14,486 --> 00:22:16,599
Hey, I'm Matt.

590
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:17,839
Hey, Matt.

591
00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:18,839
How are you?

592
00:22:18,840 --> 00:22:19,879
Good.

593
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:20,961
I-I saw you onstage.

594
00:22:20,962 --> 00:22:22,959
<i>Yeah. Cool. Cool.</i>

595
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:23,999
Yeah.

596
00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:25,204
Well, yeah, hey,

597
00:22:25,205 --> 00:22:26,882
if there's ever any, like,
small gigs or...

598
00:22:26,883 --> 00:22:29,199
or anything really kind of-
I'm around, just so you know.

599
00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:31,521
Yeah, well,
how much time can you do?

600
00:22:31,522 --> 00:22:32,559
I don't know.

601
00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:34,242
Probably, like,
15 minutes or so.

602
00:22:34,243 --> 00:22:36,127
And he's great at hosting.

603
00:22:36,128 --> 00:22:37,483
He hosts here all the time.

604
00:22:37,484 --> 00:22:39,209
And collees-
do you ever book colleges?

605
00:22:39,210 --> 00:22:40,439
A few, yeah.

606
00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:42,202
Yeah, he's great
with college students.

607
00:22:42,203 --> 00:22:44,248
They love him.
They find him very relatable.

608
00:22:44,249 --> 00:22:45,359
[chuckles]

609
00:22:45,360 --> 00:22:46,959
Well, here, Matt.

610
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:49,159
Call me when you have...

611
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:50,571
when you want
to sit down and talk.

612
00:22:50,572 --> 00:22:51,719
. Okay...

613
00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:52,719
Great.

614
00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:54,051
Yeah?
See you. Bye.

615
00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:56,566
<i>Pandamiglio, we got
a situation in the bathroom.</i>

616
00:22:56,567 --> 00:22:58,999
You're gonna need
the fuzzy mop.

617
00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:00,719
. Okay...

618
00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:02,768
Thanks for helping out
with the agent stuff.

619
00:23:02,769 --> 00:23:06,924
You're just much better at
telling people what you want.

620
00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:11,279
God, Butler really
is adorable, huh?

621
00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:12,759
Which one's Butler?

622
00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:13,999
Butler.

623
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:15,841
Butler, the-
Butler the baby.

624
00:23:15,842 --> 00:23:17,681
The baby, yeah, yeah,
the little baby we saw.

625
00:23:17,682 --> 00:23:19,840
Yeah, no,
I think I blocked that out

626
00:23:19,841 --> 00:23:21,203
'cause I have
this fear of babies.

627
00:23:21,204 --> 00:23:22,611
Like, I always get worried...

628
00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:24,760
like, what happens
if I'm holding the baby

629
00:23:24,761 --> 00:23:26,683
and then the baby just dies,
you know?

630
00:23:26,684 --> 00:23:28,199
[giggles]

631
00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:29,770
And then I killed the baby.

632
00:23:29,771 --> 00:23:30,759
Right.

633
00:23:30,760 --> 00:23:32,123
And then-and-you know...

634
00:23:32,124 --> 00:23:33,770
Yeah, you're probably
not gonna get,

635
00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:35,285
like, a Christmas present
after that.

636
00:23:35,286 --> 00:23:36,799
Exactly.

637
00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:38,766
Then, 'cause they'd be like,
"What do we get Matt?

638
00:23:38,767 --> 00:23:40,044
Nothin.
He killed the baby."

639
00:23:40,045 --> 00:23:41,927
And then if I ever want to,
like, adopt a baby,

640
00:23:41,928 --> 00:23:44,444
they'll be like,
"Have you ever killed a baby?"

641
00:23:44,445 --> 00:23:46,010
And I'd just be like,
"Kind of."

642
00:23:46,011 --> 00:23:47,047
Yeah.

643
00:23:57,440 --> 00:24:00,999
Do you think Butler
needs some buddies?

644
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:02,439
What?

645
00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:03,759
I don't know.

646
00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:07,439
I was just thinking maybe
Butler could use a buddy.

647
00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:09,167
I think he's got
a lot of buddies.

648
00:24:09,168 --> 00:24:10,159
He seems like he's very...

649
00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:11,239
<i>No.
He's a loser.</i>

650
00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:12,319
He doesn't have any friends.

651
00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:13,604
No, he's got a million friends.

652
00:24:13,605 --> 00:24:14,963
I see him on the street
every day.

653
00:24:14,964 --> 00:24:16,084
Okay, well, someday,

654
00:24:16,085 --> 00:24:17,730
we'll probably
make him a friend,

655
00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:19,290
<i>so we may as well practice
tonight.</i>

656
00:24:19,291 --> 00:24:22,479
You know, I've been practicing
on my own.

657
00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:23,919
What are you doing?

658
00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:25,239
Ll don't know.

659
00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:27,599
I'm just, like, um...

660
00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:31,959
I'm just, like, not into this
right now, intellectually.

661
00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:34,042
Intellectually?
Are you serious?

662
00:24:34,043 --> 00:24:35,799
Kind of.

663
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:37,999
Are you?

664
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:39,525
Kind of.

665
00:24:44,920 --> 00:24:46,682
I was-l was talking
to Janet today,

666
00:24:46,683 --> 00:24:49,124
and she was saying that,
last year,

667
00:24:49,125 --> 00:24:50,804
she and Philip took a breather

668
00:24:50,805 --> 00:24:54,279
and that it was, like-
it made 'em closer.

669
00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:56,239
What?

670
00:24:56,240 --> 00:24:58,322
Oh, no-it was just, like,
this thing that she said.

671
00:24:58,323 --> 00:25:01,159
I just thought
it was interesting.

672
00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:03,686
Are you saying you think
we should do that?

673
00:25:03,687 --> 00:25:06,479
No, no, no.
I'm saying they did that.

674
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:08,130
Do you want to have sex
with other people?

675
00:25:08,131 --> 00:25:09,359
No.

676
00:25:09,360 --> 00:25:10,850
You want me to have sex
with other people?

677
00:25:10,851 --> 00:25:12,039
No. No.

678
00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:14,884
I think theirs was, like,
a "no sex" breather.

679
00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:18,283
That's ridiculous.

680
00:25:18,284 --> 00:25:19,770
If you don't want to be
with a person,

681
00:25:19,760 --> 00:25:21,364
you should just break up
with 'em.

682
00:25:21,365 --> 00:25:23,124
And that's what I said.

683
00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:26,759
[crows cawing]

684
00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:28,919
[dogs barking]

685
00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:30,439
[crows cawing]

686
00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:32,841
[dogs growling]

687
00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:35,799
Ah!

688
00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:37,962
[grunts]

689
00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:44,039
You did it, Matt.

690
00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:45,849
Third place.

691
00:25:47,800 --> 00:25:49,959
Third place?
In what?

692
00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:52,122
I didn't even know
this was a competition.

693
00:25:52,123 --> 00:25:56,279
I would have had
more preparation.

694
00:25:56,280 --> 00:25:59,439
Third place in what?

695
00:25:59,440 --> 00:26:01,283
DustBustering.

696
00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:07,439
[cheers and applause]

697
00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:09,488
Matt, it looks like
there's been a mistake.

698
00:26:09,489 --> 00:26:12,759
You actually got first place.

699
00:26:12,760 --> 00:26:15,559
You're so beautiful.

700
00:26:15,560 --> 00:26:17,039
[cheers and applause]

701
00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:19,122
[baby cooin9]

702
00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:22,005
You have to move.

703
00:26:27,120 --> 00:26:29,999
[dramatic music swells]

704
00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:32,199
[music stops]

705
00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:32,700
♪♪

706
00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:41,519
[music stops]

707
00:26:41,520 --> 00:26:43,439
Thank you!

708
00:26:43,440 --> 00:26:45,568
Ow!

709
00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:52,999
Matt?

710
00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:54,239
Abby...

711
00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:55,969
What happened?

712
00:26:59,920 --> 00:27:02,719
I got first place.

713
00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:04,799
Ah. Ah.

714
00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:06,802
I'll go get a Band-Aid.

715
00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:12,920
This is the first time
I remember thinking,

716
00:27:12,921 --> 00:27:14,490
"Well, this seems dangerous.

717
00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:15,970
Maybe I should see a doctor."

718
00:27:15,971 --> 00:27:19,806
And then I thought,
"Maybe I'll eat dinner."

719
00:27:22,160 --> 00:27:23,650
And I went with dinner.

720
00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:26,531
Oh, and there's one more thing.

721
00:27:26,532 --> 00:27:28,479
Elaine from my swim club

722
00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:29,684
bought a rice cooker.

723
00:27:29,685 --> 00:27:30,884
Thank you, dear.

724
00:27:30,885 --> 00:27:32,482
Well, I'm just telling them
because...

725
00:27:32,483 --> 00:27:33,639
- I know.
- It's part of...

726
00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:35,244
Oh, you have a-
they have a rice cooker.

727
00:27:35,245 --> 00:27:36,279
Thank you.

728
00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:38,328
Oh, well,
we love the apartment.

729
00:27:38,329 --> 00:27:39,479
Yeah.

730
00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:40,479
Yeah, yeah.

731
00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:41,479
- Thank you.
- Thanks.

732
00:27:41,480 --> 00:27:42,525
You gonna fix it up?

733
00:27:42,526 --> 00:27:44,520
Um, yeah, well,
we want to paint,

734
00:27:44,521 --> 00:27:47,330
and we want to maybe get some
curtains and that kind of thing.

735
00:27:47,331 --> 00:27:48,519
Very bus}!...

736
00:27:48,520 --> 00:27:50,486
I think it's perfect.
I have to say.

737
00:27:50,487 --> 00:27:51,561
Linda, the dessert.

738
00:27:51,562 --> 00:27:54,799
<i>- Oh, we're not having dessert-
- Hush.</i>

739
00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:57,610
Your mother ordered a cake
from the internet.

740
00:27:57,611 --> 00:27:59,919
Now sit.

741
00:27:59,920 --> 00:28:01,160
Need some plates.

742
00:28:01,161 --> 00:28:02,319
Wow.

743
00:28:02,320 --> 00:28:04,559
So, Matt, we, uh...

744
00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:07,719
We heard about
the DustBuster Olympics.

745
00:28:07,720 --> 00:28:09,039
You know, it's...

746
00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:11,040
Linda, can you et-
you have the book in your purse.

747
00:28:11,041 --> 00:28:12,690
Could you get the book for me,
please?

748
00:28:12,691 --> 00:28:15,959
Yeah, I picked this up for you.

749
00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:17,291
<i>The Promise of Sleep.</i>

750
00:28:17,280 --> 00:28:18,611
Got one for myself as well.

751
00:28:18,612 --> 00:28:19,679
Oh, thanks.

752
00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:20,839
Matt, can I see?

753
00:28:20,840 --> 00:28:22,363
That's great, Dr. Pandamiglio.

754
00:28:22,364 --> 00:28:23,962
That's exactly the kind of thing
we need.

755
00:28:23,963 --> 00:28:25,483
There are some
dangerous situations

756
00:28:25,484 --> 00:28:26,891
you can get yourself into.

757
00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:28,642
You ought to see a specialist.

758
00:28:28,643 --> 00:28:29,880
It was very minor.

759
00:28:29,881 --> 00:28:31,359
It wasn't minor.

760
00:28:31,360 --> 00:28:32,803
Well, I put in a call
to Dr. Latham.

761
00:28:32,804 --> 00:28:34,562
He conducts these overnight
sleep studies.

762
00:28:34,563 --> 00:28:37,164
I appreciate it, Dad,
but right now I'm really busy.

763
00:28:37,165 --> 00:28:39,160
With what, folding napkins
into triangles?

764
00:28:39,161 --> 00:28:42,605
This just doesn't seem like
a dinner conversation to me.

765
00:28:42,606 --> 00:28:44,887
You know, Matthew, you say
you're gonna go see the doctor;

766
00:28:44,888 --> 00:28:46,199
You don't.

767
00:28:46,200 --> 00:28:47,486
You say you want to be
a comedian;

768
00:28:47,487 --> 00:28:48,919
You're a bartender.

769
00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:51,764
I mean, pick a goddamn plan
and stick with it.

770
00:28:53,560 --> 00:28:57,999
He's kidding,
but he's not as funny as you.

771
00:28:58,000 --> 00:29:00,519
You're not that funny.

772
00:29:00,520 --> 00:29:01,679
But the good news is,

773
00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:03,567
this business has nothing to do
with funny.

774
00:29:03,568 --> 00:29:04,764
<i>Some</i> of these colleges,

775
00:29:04,765 --> 00:29:06,840
I could book
a shining, blinking light

776
00:29:06,841 --> 00:29:09,411
or some confetti
falling from the ceiling,

777
00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:12,165
and most of these kids wouldn't
know the difference, really.

778
00:29:12,166 --> 00:29:13,599
Right.

779
00:29:13,600 --> 00:29:16,604
So, you know, the truth is,
Matt, that at your level,

780
00:29:16,605 --> 00:29:19,559
I don't have very much
riht now.

781
00:29:19,560 --> 00:29:21,085
But give it a year or two.

782
00:29:21,086 --> 00:29:22,359
Stay in touch.

783
00:29:22,360 --> 00:29:24,559
Yeah, I'll do any show.

784
00:29:24,560 --> 00:29:28,199
You know, I know
I'm, like, level zero.

785
00:29:28,200 --> 00:29:32,683
Well, I book a one-nighter
in Trenton on Tuesdays.

786
00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:36,039
But it's mostly headliners.

787
00:29:36,040 --> 00:29:40,119
And I have this gig at a college
upstate toniht.

788
00:29:40,120 --> 00:29:41,165
I was gonna book someone...

789
00:29:41,166 --> 00:29:42,446
Yeah.
I mean, I could do that.

790
00:29:42,447 --> 00:29:43,679
Yeah, I know.

791
00:29:43,680 --> 00:29:46,399
But, you know,
it only pays $170.

792
00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:49,563
And that's probably what it
would cost you in tolls and gas.

793
00:29:49,564 --> 00:29:51,959
I mean, do you even have a car?

794
00:29:51,960 --> 00:29:53,325
Yeah.

795
00:29:54,800 --> 00:29:56,039
You want it?

796
00:29:56,040 --> 00:29:57,599
Yeah.

797
00:29:57,600 --> 00:29:58,759
All right.

798
00:29:58,760 --> 00:29:59,999
[phone beeping]

799
00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:02,759
Should have told me
you had a car.

800
00:30:02,760 --> 00:30:04,159
Hey, Robbie.

801
00:30:04,160 --> 00:30:06,128
Listen, I have
this fantastic guy for you.

802
00:30:06,129 --> 00:30:07,999
Matt, uh...

803
00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:08,999
Pandamiglio.

804
00:30:09,000 --> 00:30:11,679
Panda, uh, piglio.

805
00:30:11,680 --> 00:30:12,759
Oh, no.

806
00:30:12,760 --> 00:30:13,959
Hilarious.

807
00:30:13,960 --> 00:30:16,999
[ambling guitar music]

808
00:30:17,000 --> 00:30:19,079
♪♪

809
00:30:19,080 --> 00:30:20,730
<i>[electronic voice]
Continue straight.</i>

810
00:30:20,731 --> 00:30:22,639
Continue straight.

811
00:30:22,640 --> 00:30:25,039
Release all that tension
that's down there

812
00:30:25,040 --> 00:30:28,123
in that lower back
that we hold on to so tightly.

813
00:30:28,124 --> 00:30:33,039
[sighs deeply]

814
00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:36,079
Breathe that mountain air
into your lungs.

815
00:30:36,080 --> 00:30:39,519
[inhales]

816
00:30:39,520 --> 00:30:41,479
And then release some sound.

817
00:30:41,480 --> 00:30:43,359
[all sighing audibly]

818
00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:46,159
Yeah.

819
00:30:46,160 --> 00:30:48,003
Let's do some gentle
lip trills.

820
00:30:48,004 --> 00:30:50,399
[trills lips]

821
00:30:50,400 --> 00:30:52,004
[all trilling]

822
00:30:54,520 --> 00:30:55,883
Hey, listen to this.

823
00:30:55,884 --> 00:30:59,202
That agent <i>we</i> met, Colleen,
booked me at a gig for tonight.

824
00:30:59,203 --> 00:31:00,919
It pays 170 bucks.

825
00:31:00,920 --> 00:31:01,959
Yeah?

826
00:31:01,960 --> 00:31:03,371
What is it?
Where is it?

827
00:31:03,372 --> 00:31:05,839
It's at this college in Utica.

828
00:31:05,840 --> 00:31:07,479
Oh.
Where are you?

829
00:31:07,480 --> 00:31:10,199
I'm on the New York State
Thruway.

830
00:31:10,200 --> 00:31:12,559
Who's driving?

831
00:31:12,560 --> 00:31:13,839
Me.

832
00:31:13,840 --> 00:31:15,490
<i>[electronic voice]
Continue straight.</i>

833
00:31:15,480 --> 00:31:16,481
Wait, did you call Ron?

834
00:31:16,482 --> 00:31:17,839
For what?

835
00:31:17,840 --> 00:31:20,079
Aren't you supposed to be
working dinner tonight?

836
00:31:20,080 --> 00:31:21,125
Oh, I totally forgot.

837
00:31:21,126 --> 00:31:22,531
Okay, all right, I love you.

838
00:31:22,532 --> 00:31:24,119
All right, bye.

839
00:31:24,120 --> 00:31:25,159
[phone rings]

840
00:31:25,160 --> 00:31:26,159
Union Hall.

841
00:31:26,160 --> 00:31:27,559
Hey, Ron, it's Matt.

842
00:31:27,560 --> 00:31:28,766
Pandamiglio, where are you?

843
00:31:28,767 --> 00:31:30,919
I'm, uh-well, listen.

844
00:31:30,920 --> 00:31:33,399
I can't do my dinner shift
tonight.

845
00:31:33,400 --> 00:31:34,638
What do you mean?

846
00:31:34,639 --> 00:31:36,766
Well, I got, like, a gig,
like, a paid gig.

847
00:31:36,767 --> 00:31:37,805
You have a gig.

848
00:31:37,806 --> 00:31:39,084
It's called bartending.

849
00:31:39,085 --> 00:31:40,887
Yeah, look.
I can get someone to fill in.

850
00:31:40,888 --> 00:31:42,118
Let me just make some calls.

851
00:31:42,119 --> 00:31:43,281
You know what?
Forget it.

852
00:31:43,282 --> 00:31:44,770
I'll do it myself.

853
00:31:49,360 --> 00:31:53,919
<i>[electronic voice] Turn left
on University Boulevard.</i>

854
00:31:53,920 --> 00:31:56,764
Ha, You don't know
how to pronounce "boulevard."

855
00:32:00,040 --> 00:32:01,839
This is a pretty campus.

856
00:32:01,840 --> 00:32:02,879
It's nice.

857
00:32:02,880 --> 00:32:04,041
Yeah, we like it.

858
00:32:04,042 --> 00:32:07,399
So <i>we</i> kind of forgot
we booked a comedian.

859
00:32:07,400 --> 00:32:11,079
So now we've got you
and this lip sync contest.

860
00:32:11,080 --> 00:32:12,439
. Okay...

861
00:32:12,440 --> 00:32:15,282
So I guess you could host
the lip sync contest.

862
00:32:15,283 --> 00:32:17,679
You could still do your act
or whatever

863
00:32:17,680 --> 00:32:19,919
but just introduce
the contestants.

864
00:32:19,920 --> 00:32:21,363
It's a very popular event.

865
00:32:21,364 --> 00:32:22,441
That sounds great.

866
00:32:22,442 --> 00:32:24,479
Great.

867
00:32:24,480 --> 00:32:27,879
You know, this used to be
a very popular event.

868
00:32:27,880 --> 00:32:31,248
Last year, there were 19 entries
to this contest.

869
00:32:31,249 --> 00:32:34,279
And this year, there are two.

870
00:32:34,280 --> 00:32:37,170
And, you know, we don't
have to have this contest

871
00:32:37,171 --> 00:32:40,679
if you don't want to have it.

872
00:32:40,680 --> 00:32:43,519
I'm not doing it for me.

873
00:32:43,520 --> 00:32:45,329
I'm doing it for you.

874
00:32:48,120 --> 00:32:52,284
And now the big comedian,
Matt Pandapiglio.

875
00:32:53,640 --> 00:32:57,042
[scattered applause]

876
00:32:58,520 --> 00:32:59,559
. <i>Hey...</i>

877
00:32:59,560 --> 00:33:01,324
That's not really my name.

878
00:33:01,325 --> 00:33:03,639
But...

879
00:33:03,640 --> 00:33:05,439
Y'all ready to lip sync?

880
00:33:05,440 --> 00:33:07,439
[coughs softly]

881
00:33:07,440 --> 00:33:10,799
I can't hear you.

882
00:33:10,800 --> 00:33:14,999
That's my lip sync joke.

883
00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:16,679
<i>Ok3Y...</i>

884
00:33:16,680 --> 00:33:21,159
Well, please welcome our first
contestant, Hilary Garnick!

885
00:33:21,160 --> 00:33:23,959
<i>♪ When Isay♪</i>

886
00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:28,239
<i>♪ I want it that way ♪</i>

887
00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:30,479
<i>♪ Well, we ♪</i>

888
00:33:30,480 --> 00:33:32,999
<i>♪ Are two worlds ♪</i>

889
00:33:33,000 --> 00:33:35,439
<i>♪ Apart ♪</i>

890
00:33:35,440 --> 00:33:37,879
<i>♪ Can't reach to ♪</i>

891
00:33:37,880 --> 00:33:40,319
<i>♪ Your heart ♪</i>

892
00:33:40,320 --> 00:33:43,119
<i>♪ When you say ♪</i>

893
00:33:43,120 --> 00:33:47,519
<i>♪ That I want it that way ♪</i>

894
00:33:47,520 --> 00:33:48,879
<i>♪ Tell me why ♪</i>

895
00:33:48,880 --> 00:33:50,530
<i>♪ Ain't nothin' but a... ♪</i>

896
00:33:50,520 --> 00:33:52,520
It's so cool
that you're a comedian.

897
00:33:52,521 --> 00:33:54,361
I mean, I can't even
imagine that.

898
00:33:54,362 --> 00:33:57,011
You know, your whole job's
to tell jokes, right?

899
00:33:57,012 --> 00:33:58,879
How do you even do that?

900
00:33:58,880 --> 00:34:00,719
I don't even know.

901
00:34:00,720 --> 00:34:02,199
Here you go.

902
00:34:02,200 --> 00:34:06,879
♪ I want it that way ♪

903
00:34:06,880 --> 00:34:09,199
♪Aml♪

904
00:34:09,200 --> 00:34:11,679
♪ Your fire? ♪

905
00:34:11,680 --> 00:34:14,279
♪ Your one ♪

906
00:34:14,280 --> 00:34:16,519
♪ Desire? ♪

907
00:34:16,520 --> 00:34:18,959
♪ Yes, I know ♪

908
00:34:18,960 --> 00:34:21,719
♪ It's too late ♪

909
00:34:21,720 --> 00:34:25,999
♪ But I want it that way ♪

910
00:34:26,000 --> 00:34:27,239
♪ Tell me why ♪

911
00:34:27,240 --> 00:34:30,239
♪ Ain't nothin'
but a heartache ♪

912
00:34:30,240 --> 00:34:32,399
♪ Tell me why ♪

913
00:34:32,400 --> 00:34:36,599
♪ Ain't nothin' but a mistake ♪

914
00:34:36,600 --> 00:34:40,082
"David and his men
were in the Wilderness of Maon

915
00:34:40,083 --> 00:34:42,919
in the plain on the south
of Jeshimon."

916
00:34:42,920 --> 00:34:46,288
♪ I want it that way ♪

917
00:34:47,760 --> 00:34:49,199
<i>Pizza Shack.</i>

918
00:34:49,200 --> 00:34:51,441
Hey, do you cut your slices
into triangles or squares?

919
00:34:51,442 --> 00:34:52,439
<i>Triangles.</i>

920
00:34:52,440 --> 00:34:53,479
Okay, good.

921
00:34:53,480 --> 00:34:55,050
In the picture,
it looked like squares.

922
00:34:55,040 --> 00:34:56,563
[various TV sound effects
playing]

923
00:34:56,564 --> 00:34:58,244
♪ No matter the distance ♪

924
00:34:58,245 --> 00:35:00,719
♪ I want you to know ♪

925
00:35:00,720 --> 00:35:02,131
♪ That deep down inside... ♪

926
00:35:02,120 --> 00:35:04,009
So I guess the car
made it back to the city?

927
00:35:04,010 --> 00:35:05,519
Yeah. Yeah.

928
00:35:05,520 --> 00:35:06,759
. Okay...

929
00:35:06,760 --> 00:35:08,524
Well, well, have you read
any of the book yet?

930
00:35:08,525 --> 00:35:10,199
Thanks.
Um, yeah.

931
00:35:10,200 --> 00:35:12,883
Well, I'm reading
this interesting section.

932
00:35:12,884 --> 00:35:16,166
It says that to avoid
these kinds of situations,

933
00:35:16,167 --> 00:35:19,130
you need to think of sleep
as a gradual power-down.

934
00:35:19,131 --> 00:35:22,639
So a few hours before bed,
turn off your phone,

935
00:35:22,640 --> 00:35:24,959
turn off the news,
the internet,

936
00:35:24,960 --> 00:35:26,679
and don't eat big meals.

937
00:35:26,680 --> 00:35:28,079
Yeah, definitely.

938
00:35:28,080 --> 00:35:31,002
Matthew, I'm gonna get you
some aromatherapy, okay?

939
00:35:31,003 --> 00:35:32,206
Oh, damn it, Linda.

940
00:35:32,207 --> 00:35:34,119
Hang up the goddamn phone.

941
00:35:34,120 --> 00:35:37,879
Why are you yelling?

942
00:35:37,880 --> 00:35:39,767
All riht, look,
I made you an appointment

943
00:35:39,768 --> 00:35:42,045
with Dr. Latham
for a sleep study on June 20th.

944
00:35:42,046 --> 00:35:44,202
Okay, I could have
done that myself, Dad.

945
00:35:44,203 --> 00:35:46,159
I can call.

946
00:35:46,160 --> 00:35:47,205
It's okay.
I made it.

947
00:35:47,206 --> 00:35:48,486
Did you write it down,
the 20th?

948
00:35:48,487 --> 00:35:49,559
Yeah.

949
00:35:49,560 --> 00:35:51,244
I don't think
you're writing it.

950
00:35:54,520 --> 00:35:56,479
<i>- I wrote it again.
- Good.</i>

951
00:35:56,480 --> 00:35:58,207
You have a good night.
Try to get some sleep.

952
00:35:58,208 --> 00:35:59,645
All right.
Thanks, Dad.

953
00:35:59,646 --> 00:36:00,839
All right, bye.

954
00:36:00,840 --> 00:36:03,519
Hey, listen to this,
from Colleen.

955
00:36:03,520 --> 00:36:05,486
"We had a fall-out at
a comedy club tomorrow night

956
00:36:05,487 --> 00:36:06,686
"in Burlington, Vermont.

957
00:36:06,687 --> 00:36:07,839
Pays 50 bucks."

958
00:36:07,840 --> 00:36:08,999
This is amazing.

959
00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:10,519
Cool.

960
00:36:10,520 --> 00:36:11,851
So you'll be home Sunday, then?

961
00:36:11,852 --> 00:36:13,199
Yeah, I think so.

962
00:36:13,200 --> 00:36:16,566
And listen to this.
I get to open for Marc Mulheren.

963
00:36:16,567 --> 00:36:18,085
How far is Burlington?

964
00:36:18,086 --> 00:36:20,999
It's, um...

965
00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:22,365
It's on the way.

966
00:36:25,200 --> 00:36:26,839
All right, love you.

967
00:36:26,840 --> 00:36:29,839
[ambling acoustic guitar music]

968
00:36:29,840 --> 00:36:30,340
♪♪

969
00:36:44,520 --> 00:36:45,726
[metallic crunching]

970
00:36:45,727 --> 00:36:47,519
[alarm blaring]

971
00:36:47,520 --> 00:36:48,885
What do you mean by that?

972
00:36:52,000 --> 00:36:55,163
[thunder rumbling]

973
00:37:00,040 --> 00:37:02,399
Um, would it be possible
for you

974
00:37:02,400 --> 00:37:05,529
to take me to The comedy Factory
in Burlinton?

975
00:37:05,530 --> 00:37:06,679
No.

976
00:37:06,680 --> 00:37:09,126
I can take you to the garage
down the road.

977
00:37:09,127 --> 00:37:10,359
All right.

978
00:37:10,360 --> 00:37:12,119
Um, listen.

979
00:37:12,120 --> 00:37:15,319
I'm really late
for this gig, so, like,

980
00:37:15,320 --> 00:37:18,519
if there's anything
I can do, like...

981
00:37:18,520 --> 00:37:22,039
Well... okay.

982
00:37:22,040 --> 00:37:23,485
Is that how much it costs?

983
00:37:23,486 --> 00:37:25,039
This is fine.

984
00:37:25,040 --> 00:37:27,639
All right.

985
00:37:27,640 --> 00:37:28,801
<i>Ok3Y...</i>

986
00:37:31,760 --> 00:37:35,285
One thing I should tell you
is that Colleen had asked me

987
00:37:35,286 --> 00:37:38,327
if I could perform 30 minutes
of comedy for this gig.

988
00:37:38,328 --> 00:37:40,605
Now, what I should
have said was,

989
00:37:40,606 --> 00:37:43,126
"I only have about 11 minutes
of material, tops."

990
00:37:43,127 --> 00:37:46,759
And what I did say <i>was,</i>
"Yeah."

991
00:37:46,760 --> 00:37:51,519
So is that Band-Aid
part of the act?

992
00:37:51,520 --> 00:37:53,329
No? You're not
the head wound comic?

993
00:37:53,330 --> 00:37:54,599
It's not your tag?

994
00:37:54,600 --> 00:37:56,284
You know, "I got a head wound,"
after every joke?

995
00:37:56,285 --> 00:37:57,399
Is that you?

996
00:37:57,400 --> 00:37:58,479
No, look, I got to be honest
with you.

997
00:37:58,480 --> 00:37:59,639
She wants me to do a half hour.

998
00:37:59,640 --> 00:38:01,210
I only have, like,
ten minutes of material.

999
00:38:01,200 --> 00:38:02,326
I don't know what I'm gonna do.

1000
00:38:02,327 --> 00:38:04,479
Really?
Wow.

1001
00:38:04,480 --> 00:38:06,606
You're gonna have to fill out
that time somehow, man.

1002
00:38:06,607 --> 00:38:08,282
Do some crowd work.
Talk to the audience.

1003
00:38:08,283 --> 00:38:09,484
Make fun of people.

1004
00:38:09,485 --> 00:38:11,323
Whenever I make fun of people,
they punch me.

1005
00:38:11,324 --> 00:38:12,439
Uhhuh.

1006
00:38:12,440 --> 00:38:13,805
Matt, we're bringing you
on now.

1007
00:38:13,806 --> 00:38:15,290
[exhales]

1008
00:38:18,800 --> 00:38:22,319
[retching]

1009
00:38:22,320 --> 00:38:25,290
[coughing]

1010
00:38:26,480 --> 00:38:27,845
Don't do that onstage.

1011
00:38:27,846 --> 00:38:29,439
Thanks.

1012
00:38:29,440 --> 00:38:31,124
Unless it's your closer.

1013
00:38:32,480 --> 00:38:34,765
I was thinking about
Cookie Monster, you know?

1014
00:38:34,766 --> 00:38:38,526
And do you think this guy's got
an eating disorder, you know?

1015
00:38:42,240 --> 00:38:44,242
Nice shirt, loser.

1016
00:38:47,760 --> 00:38:48,839
Sorry.

1017
00:38:48,840 --> 00:38:49,919
No, I like it.

1018
00:38:49,920 --> 00:38:51,359
It's nice.

1019
00:38:51,360 --> 00:38:53,319
Sorry.

1020
00:38:53,320 --> 00:38:55,288
Anyway, I was watching
a lot of TV this week.

1021
00:38:55,289 --> 00:38:58,284
[indistinct conversation]

1022
00:39:01,240 --> 00:39:03,686
Is that bit you do
about teenagers really real?

1023
00:39:03,687 --> 00:39:05,639
[chuckles]

1024
00:39:05,640 --> 00:39:06,679
Yeah.

1025
00:39:06,680 --> 00:39:08,999
[laughs]

1026
00:39:09,000 --> 00:39:11,359
Hey, you did okay, man.

1027
00:39:11,360 --> 00:39:12,879
Yeah?

1028
00:39:12,880 --> 00:39:14,120
Well, I-you know.

1029
00:39:14,121 --> 00:39:16,839
"Okay" is kind of a strong word
but...

1030
00:39:16,840 --> 00:39:19,039
You tanked.

1031
00:39:19,040 --> 00:39:20,690
I thought it was funny,
but I'm a comic.

1032
00:39:20,691 --> 00:39:22,399
I'm sick, so...

1033
00:39:22,400 --> 00:39:23,679
<i>- Yeah.
- Yeah.</i>

1034
00:39:23,680 --> 00:39:26,079
Right.

1035
00:39:26,080 --> 00:39:28,240
You just got to keep telling
yourself you're killing,

1036
00:39:28,241 --> 00:39:29,765
and it will all
fall into place.

1037
00:39:29,766 --> 00:39:31,239
You'll figure it out.

1038
00:39:31,240 --> 00:39:32,287
Thanks.

1039
00:39:34,520 --> 00:39:35,726
You married or...

1040
00:39:35,727 --> 00:39:37,599
Um, no.

1041
00:39:37,600 --> 00:39:38,799
L-well, kind of.

1042
00:39:38,800 --> 00:39:40,359
I-I don't know.

1043
00:39:40,360 --> 00:39:43,409
I have a girlfriend but-
it's serious, you know.

1044
00:39:43,410 --> 00:39:45,719
It's just...

1045
00:39:45,720 --> 00:39:47,846
You know, it's-we've been
together for a long time...

1046
00:39:47,847 --> 00:39:49,330
<i>- You all right, man?
- Yeah, yeah.</i>

1047
00:39:49,320 --> 00:39:51,129
It's just, you know-
I'm just-I've decided

1048
00:39:51,130 --> 00:39:54,639
I'm not gonna get married
until I'm sure

1049
00:39:54,640 --> 00:39:57,291
that nothing else good
can happen in my life.

1050
00:39:57,292 --> 00:39:58,719
[chuckles]

1051
00:39:58,720 --> 00:40:01,639
You should say that onstage.

1052
00:40:01,640 --> 00:40:02,719
Yeah.

1053
00:40:02,720 --> 00:40:04,290
That wouldn't go over so well
at home.

1054
00:40:04,291 --> 00:40:07,599
We're not at home.

1055
00:40:07,600 --> 00:40:10,239
Are you married?

1056
00:40:10,240 --> 00:40:11,571
Kind of.

1057
00:40:14,960 --> 00:40:16,962
[door opens]

1058
00:40:19,080 --> 00:40:20,639
[door closes]

1059
00:40:20,640 --> 00:40:22,039
Hey, Colleen.

1060
00:40:22,040 --> 00:40:24,611
<i>Hey, listen, we got great
feedback on you last night.</i>

1061
00:40:24,612 --> 00:40:25,719
Yeah?

1062
00:40:25,720 --> 00:40:27,131
Well, no, not really.

1063
00:40:27,132 --> 00:40:29,759
But Marc recommended you
for a I

1064
00:40:29,760 --> 00:40:31,601
in Philadelphia on the 20th.

1065
00:40:31,602 --> 00:40:33,125
Oh, yeah?
He liked my act?

1066
00:40:33,126 --> 00:40:34,479
Well, no.
No.

1067
00:40:34,480 --> 00:40:36,321
But he thought it would be...

1068
00:40:36,322 --> 00:40:37,479
He thought you'd be great

1069
00:40:37,480 --> 00:40:39,164
taking the bullet
for other comedians.

1070
00:40:39,165 --> 00:40:41,159
That's great.

1071
00:40:41,160 --> 00:40:43,599
The 20th, yeah.

1072
00:40:43,600 --> 00:40:44,679
That's great.

1073
00:40:44,680 --> 00:40:45,959
Well, cool.

1074
00:40:45,960 --> 00:40:47,610
Listen, I'll email you
the details, okay?

1075
00:40:47,611 --> 00:40:53,439
I was-l was at the zoo,
and I...

1076
00:40:53,440 --> 00:40:55,361
One of-
I was at The National Zoo,

1077
00:40:55,362 --> 00:40:56,805
and they have
the panda bear there,

1078
00:40:56,806 --> 00:41:00,759
you know, Ling-Ling,
I think, is from China.

1079
00:41:00,760 --> 00:41:02,919
And the...

1080
00:41:02,920 --> 00:41:04,445
You know, they're having
a hard time

1081
00:41:04,446 --> 00:41:07,439
getting the pandas to mate,
you know, the...

1082
00:41:07,440 --> 00:41:10,799
trying to get them
to mate with each other.

1083
00:41:10,800 --> 00:41:12,559
Next.

1084
00:41:12,560 --> 00:41:14,961
[people chuckling]

1085
00:41:17,960 --> 00:41:19,962
. Okay...

1086
00:41:32,680 --> 00:41:34,879
[microphone feedback hums]

1087
00:41:34,880 --> 00:41:39,719
I've been having some issues
in my relationship

1088
00:41:39,720 --> 00:41:42,005
with my girlfriend lately,
where, like...

1089
00:41:42,006 --> 00:41:44,604
I think she wants to get
married, you know?

1090
00:41:44,605 --> 00:41:47,001
And I've decided I shouldn't
get married until I'm sure

1091
00:41:47,002 --> 00:41:50,359
that nothing else good
can happen in my life.

1092
00:41:50,360 --> 00:41:52,319
[laughter]

1093
00:41:52,320 --> 00:41:54,798
And, you know,
my girlfriend and I worry

1094
00:41:54,799 --> 00:41:56,323
about different things.

1095
00:41:56,324 --> 00:41:58,320
You know, one day I said,
"What do you fear most?"

1096
00:41:58,321 --> 00:42:00,286
And she said, "I fear
you'll meet someone else"

1097
00:42:00,287 --> 00:42:02,007
and you'll leave me
and I'll be all alone."

1098
00:42:02,008 --> 00:42:03,604
And she said,
"What do you fear most?"

1099
00:42:03,605 --> 00:42:05,639
And I said, "Bears."

1100
00:42:05,640 --> 00:42:07,404
[laughter]

1101
00:42:12,080 --> 00:42:13,079
Thanks, man.

1102
00:42:13,080 --> 00:42:14,206
Yeah.
Nice work tonight.

1103
00:42:14,207 --> 00:42:15,486
Thanks.

1104
00:42:17,320 --> 00:42:19,999
$23?
Is that...

1105
00:42:20,000 --> 00:42:21,966
I don't want to be a dick,
but I thought it was $50.

1106
00:42:21,967 --> 00:42:23,121
That was if we sold out.

1107
00:42:23,122 --> 00:42:25,039
31 paid, 25 comps.

1108
00:42:25,040 --> 00:42:27,325
That's $360
with a 50-50 house split.

1109
00:42:27,326 --> 00:42:29,129
I've got to pay
the headliner $150.

1110
00:42:29,130 --> 00:42:31,799
You get the rest.

1111
00:42:31,800 --> 00:42:33,766
That's still, like, 30 bucks.

1112
00:42:33,767 --> 00:42:35,569
7 bucks
for the chicken fingers.

1113
00:42:38,600 --> 00:42:40,760
I'm not paying for those
fucking chicken fingers.

1114
00:42:40,761 --> 00:42:44,128
You should be ashamed
to charge people for those.

1115
00:42:44,129 --> 00:42:45,929
All right.

1116
00:42:49,760 --> 00:42:50,921
<i>- Thanks.
- Yeah.</i>

1117
00:42:50,922 --> 00:42:51,919
How'd it go?

1118
00:42:51,920 --> 00:42:53,039
It was great.

1119
00:42:53,040 --> 00:42:56,439
Like, I met
all these other comics.

1120
00:42:56,440 --> 00:42:58,805
I tried out
all this new material.

1121
00:42:58,806 --> 00:43:00,323
You would have been
really proud.

1122
00:43:00,324 --> 00:43:02,209
Hey, I can't really hear you.

1123
00:43:02,210 --> 00:43:04,199
What was the new material?

1124
00:43:04,200 --> 00:43:06,239
It was just, like...

1125
00:43:06,240 --> 00:43:08,999
it was, like, a lot of stuff.

1126
00:43:09,000 --> 00:43:11,651
I'll tell you about it later,
but where are you?

1127
00:43:11,652 --> 00:43:15,404
Oh, we're-no, we're all at
this bar that Hannah found.

1128
00:43:15,405 --> 00:43:16,925
We're playing Drunkerdash.

1129
00:43:16,926 --> 00:43:18,439
What's that?

1130
00:43:18,440 --> 00:43:23,039
It'syou know, it's just
Balderdash but drunk.

1131
00:43:23,040 --> 00:43:26,044
I came up with a really good
definition for codswallop.

1132
00:43:26,045 --> 00:43:27,119
What?

1133
00:43:27,120 --> 00:43:28,439
Codswallop!

1134
00:43:28,440 --> 00:43:29,771
<i>- What?
- See if you can get it.</i>

1135
00:43:29,772 --> 00:43:31,119
Here.

1136
00:43:31,120 --> 00:43:33,771
A, a rock formation
found only in Iceland,

1137
00:43:33,760 --> 00:43:35,444
or, B, a sticky situation.

1138
00:43:35,445 --> 00:43:36,879
I knew it.

1139
00:43:36,880 --> 00:43:37,879
I knew that.

1140
00:43:37,880 --> 00:43:38,881
You didn't know.

1141
00:43:38,882 --> 00:43:39,879
Yes, I did.

1142
00:43:39,880 --> 00:43:41,086
You should have said it, then.

1143
00:43:41,087 --> 00:43:43,119
I was ordering fries.

1144
00:43:43,120 --> 00:43:44,879
Are you talking to me?

1145
00:43:44,880 --> 00:43:46,291
No.
That's just Dave.

1146
00:43:46,280 --> 00:43:47,484
You got to meet him.

1147
00:43:47,485 --> 00:43:49,526
If you go outside
and I'll go outside,

1148
00:43:49,527 --> 00:43:51,247
then maybe we can
hear each other better.

1149
00:43:51,248 --> 00:43:52,810
Oh, babe, I-
I really can't hear you.

1150
00:43:52,811 --> 00:43:53,919
. Okay...

1151
00:43:53,920 --> 00:43:55,604
I'll talk to you later.

1152
00:43:57,760 --> 00:43:59,760
Hey, I'll have another one,
you guys.

1153
00:43:59,761 --> 00:44:02,081
The thing is, he definitely
does not have a parking...

1154
00:44:02,082 --> 00:44:03,639
[laughter]

1155
00:44:03,640 --> 00:44:07,690
I actually had a crazy gig once
where these two orthodox Jews

1156
00:44:07,680 --> 00:44:10,650
had asked me if I would perform
at, like, their art gallery.

1157
00:44:10,651 --> 00:44:12,119
Yeah.

1158
00:44:12,120 --> 00:44:13,961
They told me there were gonna
be hundreds of people there.

1159
00:44:13,962 --> 00:44:15,610
And then I go, and it's just...

1160
00:44:15,600 --> 00:44:17,407
<i>- Is it okay?
- Yeah, yeah, go for it.</i>

1161
00:44:17,408 --> 00:44:19,639
It's just their apartment,
and it's just them.

1162
00:44:19,640 --> 00:44:21,003
Yeah.
So it wasn't, like, a show.

1163
00:44:21,004 --> 00:44:23,319
<i>- No.
- It was like a conversation.</i>

1164
00:44:23,320 --> 00:44:25,764
It was more like
a quiet conversation.

1165
00:44:25,765 --> 00:44:26,998
I did this one show.

1166
00:44:26,999 --> 00:44:29,810
It was in the parking lot
of a Home Depot.

1167
00:44:29,800 --> 00:44:31,323
The only people
we're performing for

1168
00:44:31,324 --> 00:44:35,166
are, like, the migrant workers
who are just hanging out there.

1169
00:44:35,167 --> 00:44:36,879
I'm going up last,

1170
00:44:36,880 --> 00:44:39,690
and I'm watching every other
comic just eat it, just tank.

1171
00:44:39,680 --> 00:44:40,964
But I'm thinking, like,

1172
00:44:40,965 --> 00:44:42,960
I want to get some response
from these people.

1173
00:44:42,961 --> 00:44:44,849
Like, I should close strong.

1174
00:44:44,850 --> 00:44:46,119
[laughter]

1175
00:44:46,120 --> 00:44:47,919
What Spanish do I know?

1176
00:44:47,920 --> 00:44:49,331
And I'm like, "I know."

1177
00:44:49,320 --> 00:44:50,843
I'll say,
'Long live the immigrant.”

1178
00:44:50,844 --> 00:44:53,081
And I'm like, "All right,
everybody, this has been fun."

1179
00:44:53,082 --> 00:44:54,479
<i>Viva La Migra,"</i>

1180
00:44:54,480 --> 00:44:57,245
which is, "Long live
the immigration police."

1181
00:44:57,246 --> 00:44:59,679
[all groaning]

1182
00:44:59,680 --> 00:45:03,401
Yeah, so I'm just gonna crash
with these guys tonight.

1183
00:45:03,402 --> 00:45:06,919
And I will be-yeah, I'll be
home in the morning.

1184
00:45:06,920 --> 00:45:08,439
All right.

1185
00:45:08,440 --> 00:45:11,119
All right, I love you.

1186
00:45:11,120 --> 00:45:12,279
Bye.

1187
00:45:12,280 --> 00:45:13,518
Hey, man, how you feeling?

1188
00:45:13,519 --> 00:45:14,760
Oh, I'm good.
I'm ood.

1189
00:45:14,761 --> 00:45:16,399
I'm just-I'm stuffed.

1190
00:45:16,400 --> 00:45:17,445
You know, that pizza and...

1191
00:45:17,446 --> 00:45:18,678
Oh, yeah, me too.

1192
00:45:18,679 --> 00:45:19,839
It's good, though.
I love it.

1193
00:45:19,840 --> 00:45:21,171
- Yeah.
- Helps me sleep.

1194
00:45:21,172 --> 00:45:22,719
Yeah.

1195
00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:24,402
You know how they have
those neck pillows

1196
00:45:24,403 --> 00:45:26,207
that they have on the plane
that people wear?

1197
00:45:26,208 --> 00:45:27,882
I think it'd be great
if you had one of those,

1198
00:45:27,883 --> 00:45:29,880
but it's made out of pizza,
and so you just sit there

1199
00:45:29,881 --> 00:45:31,880
and gnaw on the pizza
and then fall asleep with that.

1200
00:45:31,881 --> 00:45:33,323
Yeah, that's
a really good idea.

1201
00:45:33,324 --> 00:45:35,161
Yeah, I'm gonna try to do
something with it.

1202
00:45:35,162 --> 00:45:38,164
No, hey, by the way, I think
Lynn is diggin' you, man.

1203
00:45:38,165 --> 00:45:39,639
Oh, Lynn?

1204
00:45:39,640 --> 00:45:41,039
<i>- Yeah.
- Yeah.</i>

1205
00:45:41,040 --> 00:45:43,086
I think you could make out
with her if you wanted to.

1206
00:45:43,087 --> 00:45:44,284
Yeah, no, I have a girlfriend.

1207
00:45:44,285 --> 00:45:45,361
- Oh, you really do?
- Yeah.

1208
00:45:45,362 --> 00:45:47,079
Oh.

1209
00:45:47,080 --> 00:45:48,411
So all those jokes
are true or...

1210
00:45:48,412 --> 00:45:50,519
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Oh, wow.

1211
00:45:50,520 --> 00:45:52,159
Has she heard the jokes?

1212
00:45:52,160 --> 00:45:53,919
No.

1213
00:45:53,920 --> 00:45:57,319
No, you should
probably mention it.

1214
00:45:57,320 --> 00:45:58,731
<i>I wrote a letter to my dad.</i>

1215
00:45:58,720 --> 00:46:00,561
<i>I was gonna write,
"I really enjoy being here, "</i>

1216
00:46:00,562 --> 00:46:03,801
<i>but I accidentally wrote
"rarely" instead of "really. ".</i>

1217
00:46:03,802 --> 00:46:04,799
<i>And I wanted to use it.</i>

1218
00:46:04,800 --> 00:46:06,211
<i>I didn't want to cross it out.</i>

1219
00:46:06,212 --> 00:46:10,999
<i>"So I wrote, " I rarely drive
steamboats, Dad.</i>

1220
00:46:11,000 --> 00:46:15,039
<i>"There's a lot of shit</i>
<i>you don't know about me...</i>

1221
00:46:15,040 --> 00:46:17,168
<i>Quit trying to act like
I'm a steamboat operator. "</i>

1222
00:46:23,200 --> 00:46:25,678
[whispering]
Why'd you take off your glasses?

1223
00:46:25,679 --> 00:46:27,887
Just 'cause if we're really
onna do this,

1224
00:46:27,888 --> 00:46:30,799
I don't want to be able
to see you.

1225
00:46:30,800 --> 00:46:33,159
. Okay...

1226
00:46:33,160 --> 00:46:35,766
I don't know if this
is such a good idea.

1227
00:46:35,767 --> 00:46:37,519
I have a girlfriend.

1228
00:46:37,520 --> 00:46:39,159
[sighs]

1229
00:46:39,160 --> 00:46:41,519
Matt...

1230
00:46:41,520 --> 00:46:44,759
This just is what it is,
you know?

1231
00:46:44,760 --> 00:46:46,799
We're here.

1232
00:46:46,800 --> 00:46:49,041
Are you really gonna
deny yourself the experience

1233
00:46:49,042 --> 00:46:52,239
of just being in the present?

1234
00:46:52,240 --> 00:46:54,083
I guess so.

1235
00:46:56,200 --> 00:46:58,851
This will make you
more comfortable.

1236
00:47:05,120 --> 00:47:07,799
What is that?

1237
00:47:07,800 --> 00:47:10,610
It's a pizza pillow.

1238
00:47:15,960 --> 00:47:17,086
It's very good.

1239
00:47:17,087 --> 00:47:19,319
Yeah, you like it?

1240
00:47:19,320 --> 00:47:21,519
Yeah.
I like the sauce.

1241
00:47:21,520 --> 00:47:22,679
Oh, yeah?
Do you want more...

1242
00:47:22,680 --> 00:47:23,918
The sauce is very good, yeah.

1243
00:47:23,919 --> 00:47:25,570
Yeah, it is good sauce.

1244
00:47:25,571 --> 00:47:27,599
Do you want more sauce?

1245
00:47:27,600 --> 00:47:28,840
Yeah, more sauce.

1246
00:47:28,841 --> 00:47:29,879
. Okay...

1247
00:47:29,880 --> 00:47:31,006
I'll go get you more sauce.

1248
00:47:31,007 --> 00:47:33,321
. Okay-
. Okay...

1249
00:47:37,880 --> 00:47:39,319
Whoa!

1250
00:47:39,320 --> 00:47:41,199
[grunting]

1251
00:47:41,200 --> 00:47:44,079
Hey, I love the sauce.

1252
00:47:44,080 --> 00:47:45,570
It is very good sauce.

1253
00:47:45,571 --> 00:47:47,164
Do you like the sauce?

1254
00:47:47,165 --> 00:47:49,839
It's too hot!

1255
00:47:49,840 --> 00:47:51,599
The sauce is too hot!

1256
00:47:51,600 --> 00:47:53,519
It's too hot!

1257
00:47:53,520 --> 00:47:57,730
Ah, the-l like the sauce,
but it's too hot!

1258
00:48:00,200 --> 00:48:01,565
Hey, what are you doing, man?

1259
00:48:01,566 --> 00:48:03,210
Are you taking a shower?

1260
00:48:05,880 --> 00:48:07,199
Yeah.

1261
00:48:07,200 --> 00:48:09,399
Sorry about that.

1262
00:48:09,400 --> 00:48:11,399
Just had a weird dream.

1263
00:48:11,400 --> 00:48:13,050
Yeah, well, you know,
you're not supposed

1264
00:48:13,040 --> 00:48:14,483
to actually act them out
like that.

1265
00:48:14,484 --> 00:48:15,718
They're like movies, you know?

1266
00:48:15,719 --> 00:48:17,484
You just sort of watch 'em.

1267
00:48:23,720 --> 00:48:25,925
<i>Matt, I got
a run of dates for you.</i>

1268
00:48:25,926 --> 00:48:27,443
It's gonna hurt,
but you'll make

1269
00:48:27,444 --> 00:48:29,805
about 900 bucks
for six days of shows.

1270
00:48:29,806 --> 00:48:31,086
Oh, that sounds perfect.

1271
00:48:31,087 --> 00:48:34,759
Well, it's Hartford, Canton,
Lancaster...

1272
00:48:34,760 --> 00:48:36,762
And I think that
she wants to get married.

1273
00:48:36,763 --> 00:48:41,239
And I just decided I shouldn't
get married until I'm sure

1274
00:48:41,240 --> 00:48:44,559
that nothing else good
can happen in my life.

1275
00:48:44,560 --> 00:48:46,879
You know, I mean,
I just have this fear

1276
00:48:46,880 --> 00:48:48,767
that marriage
might be like school.

1277
00:48:48,768 --> 00:48:50,760
You know how when you're
real little and you think,

1278
00:48:50,761 --> 00:48:52,922
"Maybe some day
I'll get to go to school."

1279
00:48:52,923 --> 00:48:54,279
[people chuckling]

1280
00:48:54,280 --> 00:48:57,319
And then you go to school,

1281
00:48:57,320 --> 00:48:59,891
and that first week,
you're just like,

1282
00:48:59,892 --> 00:49:03,959
"How much longer
do I have to go to school?"

1283
00:49:03,960 --> 00:49:06,719
And they're like,
"17 more years."

1284
00:49:06,720 --> 00:49:09,079
And you're like, "Oh, no."

1285
00:49:09,080 --> 00:49:10,159
[laughter]

1286
00:49:10,160 --> 00:49:12,159
Colleen booked me.

1287
00:49:12,160 --> 00:49:13,399
It's good, right?

1288
00:49:13,400 --> 00:49:16,839
I mean, is that-
is that cool?

1289
00:49:16,840 --> 00:49:17,919
Yeah. Yeah.

1290
00:49:17,920 --> 00:49:19,285
That's gonna be great for you.

1291
00:49:19,286 --> 00:49:20,439
Great.

1292
00:49:20,440 --> 00:49:22,090
Yeah, it's good, right?

1293
00:49:22,091 --> 00:49:24,119
Do you want to come?

1294
00:49:24,120 --> 00:49:25,999
To Lancaster?

1295
00:49:26,000 --> 00:49:27,279
I'm good.

1296
00:49:27,280 --> 00:49:30,489
My parents have been together
40 years, which is...

1297
00:49:30,490 --> 00:49:32,839
Yeah, no, but it's too long.

1298
00:49:32,840 --> 00:49:36,079
I think if the people
who invented marriage

1299
00:49:36,080 --> 00:49:37,967
knew that people were gonna be
married 40 years,

1300
00:49:37,968 --> 00:49:40,438
they'd be like, "Well, this
isn't what we intended at all."

1301
00:49:40,439 --> 00:49:43,647
You know, back then,
people only lived to be 40,

1302
00:49:43,648 --> 00:49:44,878
if they were lucky.

1303
00:49:44,879 --> 00:49:46,291
They'd be so confused.

1304
00:49:46,280 --> 00:49:48,485
They'd be like, "When were
they married, as babies?"

1305
00:49:48,486 --> 00:49:51,689
I don't approve of babies
marrying one another."

1306
00:49:51,690 --> 00:49:54,639
Like, you ever think
about that?

1307
00:49:54,640 --> 00:49:56,079
Hello?

1308
00:49:56,080 --> 00:49:57,967
Hi, Matt, it's Dawn
from Dr. Latham's office.

1309
00:49:57,968 --> 00:49:59,530
You missed your sleep study.

1310
00:49:59,531 --> 00:50:01,559
[sihs]
Oh, right. Sorry.

1311
00:50:01,560 --> 00:50:03,767
Okay, listen, can I call you
back in, like, two minutes?

1312
00:50:03,768 --> 00:50:05,119
Sure.

1313
00:50:05,120 --> 00:50:07,246
You ever think about that,
that maybe in the future,

1314
00:50:07,247 --> 00:50:08,683
marriage will be
the new divorce?

1315
00:50:08,684 --> 00:50:10,646
People will be like,
"Yeah, I'm pretty messed up.

1316
00:50:10,647 --> 00:50:12,527
My parents
are still together."

1317
00:50:12,528 --> 00:50:15,091
And people will be like,
"Wow, sounds really hard.

1318
00:50:15,092 --> 00:50:17,279
Is it a first marriage?"

1319
00:50:17,280 --> 00:50:18,691
And they'll be like, "Yeah."

1320
00:50:18,680 --> 00:50:20,330
I always have this fear
in relationships

1321
00:50:20,320 --> 00:50:23,324
that I'm gonna love someone
and then eventually hate them.

1322
00:50:23,325 --> 00:50:25,368
[laughter]

1323
00:50:47,160 --> 00:50:48,730
Before I tell you
this part of the story,

1324
00:50:48,731 --> 00:50:52,599
I want to remind you
that you're on my side.

1325
00:50:52,600 --> 00:50:53,679
Thank you guys very much.

1326
00:50:53,680 --> 00:50:54,727
I really appreciate it.

1327
00:50:54,728 --> 00:50:55,799
Thank you.

1328
00:50:55,800 --> 00:50:57,919
[cheers and applause]

1329
00:50:57,920 --> 00:50:59,761
I'm on the road
for about six weeks,

1330
00:50:59,762 --> 00:51:03,321
and one night, I'm backstage
at a comedy club in Ohio.

1331
00:51:05,760 --> 00:51:07,886
Hey, I'm closing out my tabs
for the night.

1332
00:51:07,887 --> 00:51:09,164
You want another drink?

1333
00:51:09,165 --> 00:51:11,081
Or another appetizer or entree?

1334
00:51:11,082 --> 00:51:12,239
Am I eating that much?

1335
00:51:12,240 --> 00:51:13,285
That's embarrassing.

1336
00:51:13,286 --> 00:51:14,484
Are you kidding?

1337
00:51:14,485 --> 00:51:16,082
You haven't even tried
our popcorn yet.

1338
00:51:16,083 --> 00:51:17,411
<i>I'm saving room
for the popcorn.</i>

1339
00:51:17,400 --> 00:51:19,402
I heard it's imported
from a carnival.

1340
00:51:19,403 --> 00:51:22,479
[chuckles]

1341
00:51:22,480 --> 00:51:24,479
Who you writing to?

1342
00:51:24,480 --> 00:51:26,599
Oh, this is to my girlfriend.

1343
00:51:26,600 --> 00:51:27,838
You have a girlfriend.

1344
00:51:27,839 --> 00:51:29,569
Yeah, yeah, we've been
together since...

1345
00:51:29,570 --> 00:51:30,879
That's cool.

1346
00:51:30,880 --> 00:51:32,642
So tell me if you think
this is crazy.

1347
00:51:32,643 --> 00:51:35,482
My other job is at Hooters,
which is really crazy

1348
00:51:35,483 --> 00:51:38,643
because one of my boobs
is bigger than the other boob.

1349
00:51:38,644 --> 00:51:41,439
Isn't that crazy?

1350
00:51:41,440 --> 00:51:43,199
Yeah.

1351
00:51:43,200 --> 00:51:46,399
Do you want to see them?

1352
00:51:46,400 --> 00:51:47,919
Your boobs?

1353
00:51:47,920 --> 00:51:49,604
Yeah.

1354
00:51:52,120 --> 00:51:53,199
Yeah.

1355
00:51:53,200 --> 00:51:55,399
Cool.

1356
00:51:55,400 --> 00:51:57,679
Oh, I mean, not...

1357
00:51:57,680 --> 00:51:59,362
You know,
I didn't think you were...

1358
00:51:59,363 --> 00:52:00,564
I thought you were kidding.

1359
00:52:00,565 --> 00:52:02,130
I didn't know
you were actually gonna...

1360
00:52:02,120 --> 00:52:03,199
you know, I didn't know

1361
00:52:03,200 --> 00:52:04,884
you were gonna actually
do it right now.

1362
00:52:04,885 --> 00:52:06,479
You know, there's just...

1363
00:52:06,480 --> 00:52:07,639
There's people here.

1364
00:52:07,640 --> 00:52:08,799
I don't think that's a good...

1365
00:52:08,800 --> 00:52:10,325
Oh, no.
Pretty much everyone's gone.

1366
00:52:10,326 --> 00:52:12,519
Oh, well...

1367
00:52:12,520 --> 00:52:14,559
Mm.

1368
00:52:14,560 --> 00:52:17,719
I don't want to-l have-
sorry, I have-l...

1369
00:52:17,720 --> 00:52:19,479
What are you doing?

1370
00:52:19,480 --> 00:52:20,639
Sorry.
L_.

1371
00:52:20,640 --> 00:52:22,766
Sometimes I have
this trouble breathing.

1372
00:52:22,767 --> 00:52:25,889
I have a girlfriend, and I
probably shouldn't be here and...

1373
00:52:25,890 --> 00:52:27,959
Yeah, no, I know the drill.

1374
00:52:27,960 --> 00:52:30,999
I did not know the drill.

1375
00:52:31,000 --> 00:52:34,561
But I knew I shouldn't be there,
and so I left the situation.

1376
00:52:34,562 --> 00:52:38,199
And a few hours later,
after several drinks...

1377
00:52:38,200 --> 00:52:40,521
I reentered the situation.

1378
00:52:45,400 --> 00:52:48,768
And the next day, I drove
to my sister Janet's wedding.

1379
00:52:50,720 --> 00:52:53,039
So how was your trip?

1380
00:52:53,040 --> 00:52:54,119
It was good.

1381
00:52:54,120 --> 00:52:55,279
It was good.

1382
00:52:55,280 --> 00:52:57,203
Yeah?
Did anything happen?

1383
00:52:57,204 --> 00:52:58,719
What do you mean?

1384
00:52:58,720 --> 00:52:59,799
I don't know.

1385
00:52:59,800 --> 00:53:01,527
You're just acting
kind of weird.

1386
00:53:01,528 --> 00:53:02,760
I think you're acting weird.

1387
00:53:02,761 --> 00:53:03,919
Really? How?

1388
00:53:03,920 --> 00:53:06,446
By asking me how my trip was.

1389
00:53:09,360 --> 00:53:12,842
And I felt guilt and shame.

1390
00:53:14,680 --> 00:53:19,959
But I also felt like this kind
of thing might happen again.

1391
00:53:19,960 --> 00:53:23,519
And I knew I shouldn't be
getting married.

1392
00:53:23,520 --> 00:53:25,759
And you may kiss.

1393
00:53:25,760 --> 00:53:28,764
[cheers and applause]

1394
00:53:38,440 --> 00:53:41,762
Your mother and I did this
40 years ago.

1395
00:53:48,240 --> 00:53:52,245
At a certain point,
you got to zig or zag.

1396
00:53:59,080 --> 00:54:00,679
[sighs]

1397
00:54:00,680 --> 00:54:02,039
All right.

1398
00:54:02,040 --> 00:54:03,451
Mom, Mom, a little closer,
please.

1399
00:54:03,440 --> 00:54:05,283
Straighten up.
Stop fussing.

1400
00:54:05,284 --> 00:54:06,919
“'0' Say "happy."

1401
00:54:06,920 --> 00:54:09,119
all: HapPY...

1402
00:54:09,120 --> 00:54:10,849
All right,
just the bride's family.

1403
00:54:10,850 --> 00:54:14,811
Let's get
the bride's family only.

1404
00:54:16,760 --> 00:54:18,999
All right, uncle up a step.

1405
00:54:19,000 --> 00:54:19,999
Up two steps.

1406
00:54:20,000 --> 00:54:21,999
- Two steps.
- Aunt, down.

1407
00:54:22,000 --> 00:54:25,004
Matt, don't you want Abby
in the picture?

1408
00:54:27,640 --> 00:54:29,165
Um...

1409
00:54:31,760 --> 00:54:32,921
Of course he does.

1410
00:54:32,922 --> 00:54:34,839
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1411
00:54:34,840 --> 00:54:36,599
Of course.
Yeah, yeah.

1412
00:54:36,600 --> 00:54:38,204
Come on.
Come on over.

1413
00:54:38,205 --> 00:54:40,639
This is your spot, right here.

1414
00:54:40,640 --> 00:54:41,679
. Okay...

1415
00:54:41,680 --> 00:54:43,199
Happy...

1416
00:54:43,200 --> 00:54:45,487
all: HapPY...

1417
00:55:11,320 --> 00:55:12,759
I can park.

1418
00:55:12,760 --> 00:55:14,079
No, that's okay.

1419
00:55:14,080 --> 00:55:16,321
I'm gonna meet up with Hannah
anyway.

1420
00:55:16,322 --> 00:55:17,399
Now?

1421
00:55:17,400 --> 00:55:18,890
Yeah.

1422
00:55:20,480 --> 00:55:21,481
You want me to come?

1423
00:55:21,482 --> 00:55:23,164
No, I'm good.

1424
00:55:24,560 --> 00:55:26,767
[car door slams]

1425
00:55:45,840 --> 00:55:47,679
Hi, this is Abby.

1426
00:55:47,680 --> 00:55:48,839
And you are?

1427
00:55:48,840 --> 00:55:49,839
[phone beeps]

1428
00:55:49,840 --> 00:55:50,999
Hey, it's me.

1429
00:55:51,000 --> 00:55:54,519
I was just calling to see
what's up,

1430
00:55:54,520 --> 00:55:57,279
like, where you are
and everything.

1431
00:55:57,280 --> 00:56:00,284
[siren blaring]

1432
00:56:01,640 --> 00:56:02,719
This is Abby.

1433
00:56:02,720 --> 00:56:03,919
And you are?

1434
00:56:03,920 --> 00:56:05,119
. <i>Hey...</i>

1435
00:56:05,120 --> 00:56:07,248
Hey.

1436
00:56:08,840 --> 00:56:10,239
And you are?

1437
00:56:10,240 --> 00:56:12,039
Me again, calling.

1438
00:56:12,040 --> 00:56:13,530
Just...

1439
00:56:24,960 --> 00:56:27,964
[indistinct conversation]

1440
00:56:30,440 --> 00:56:31,883
At 4:00 a.m.,
Abby walked in,

1441
00:56:31,884 --> 00:56:34,085
and she was crying,
and she was drunk.

1442
00:56:34,086 --> 00:56:36,046
And I said,
"Abby, where were you?"

1443
00:56:36,047 --> 00:56:38,484
And she said, "If we're not
gonna get married",

1444
00:56:38,485 --> 00:56:40,162
I got to figure
something else out."

1445
00:56:40,163 --> 00:56:41,319
What are you-
Stop it.

1446
00:56:41,320 --> 00:56:42,810
Give me my bag, Matt.
What is the difference?

1447
00:56:42,800 --> 00:56:44,723
<i>- You are not doing this.
- Why don't you let go?</i>

1448
00:56:44,724 --> 00:56:47,239
[exhales] I've just been so...

1449
00:56:47,240 --> 00:56:48,651
I love you, you know?

1450
00:56:48,652 --> 00:56:51,279
I just think that we...

1451
00:56:51,280 --> 00:56:53,919
I'm not...

1452
00:56:53,920 --> 00:56:56,241
We should just get married.

1453
00:56:57,880 --> 00:56:59,039
No.

1454
00:56:59,040 --> 00:57:01,325
Yeah, I'll get a ring,
and we'll get...

1455
00:57:01,326 --> 00:57:03,322
rent that cabana down by
my parents' beach house.

1456
00:57:03,323 --> 00:57:04,679
No.

1457
00:57:04,680 --> 00:57:06,603
I really think that
this is what we should do.

1458
00:57:06,604 --> 00:57:09,159
No.

1459
00:57:09,160 --> 00:57:10,399
We have to.

1460
00:57:10,400 --> 00:57:12,289
I mean, I can't imagine life
without you.

1461
00:57:12,290 --> 00:57:14,759
[sighing]

1462
00:57:14,760 --> 00:57:16,442
I think that
<i>we</i> should just do it.

1463
00:57:16,443 --> 00:57:17,771
I think we should just...

1464
00:57:17,772 --> 00:57:20,159
Finally she said, "When?"

1465
00:57:20,160 --> 00:57:21,924
Now, what I should have said
was,

1466
00:57:21,925 --> 00:57:24,599
"Can we talk about this
next summer?"

1467
00:57:24,600 --> 00:57:26,039
What I did say was...

1468
00:57:26,040 --> 00:57:29,044
Next summer.

1469
00:57:31,640 --> 00:57:35,326
And that's how I got engaged.

1470
00:57:40,200 --> 00:57:42,639
I know.

1471
00:57:42,640 --> 00:57:45,291
I'm in the future also.

1472
00:57:46,560 --> 00:57:48,159
[laughter]

1473
00:57:48,160 --> 00:57:50,359
♪ Well, we ♪

1474
00:57:50,360 --> 00:57:53,319
♪ Ain't got a barrel of money ♪

1475
00:57:53,320 --> 00:57:55,605
♪ Maybe we're ragged and funny ♪

1476
00:57:55,606 --> 00:57:58,524
♪ But we'll travel along,
singing our song ♪

1477
00:57:58,525 --> 00:58:00,999
♪ Side by side ♪

1478
00:58:01,000 --> 00:58:03,639
♪ Don't know what's coming
tomorrow ♪

1479
00:58:03,640 --> 00:58:06,164
♪ Maybe there's trouble
and sorrow ♪

1480
00:58:06,165 --> 00:58:08,970
♪ But we'll travel the road,
sharing our load ♪

1481
00:58:08,971 --> 00:58:11,879
♪ Side by side ♪

1482
00:58:11,880 --> 00:58:14,479
♪ Through all kinds of weather ♪

1483
00:58:14,480 --> 00:58:17,119
♪ But if the sky should fall ♪

1484
00:58:17,120 --> 00:58:19,839
♪ As long as we're together ♪

1485
00:58:19,840 --> 00:58:21,999
♪ Doesn't matter at all ♪

1486
00:58:22,000 --> 00:58:24,241
♪ When they've all had
their quarrels and parted ♪

1487
00:58:24,242 --> 00:58:25,479
Yeah!

1488
00:58:25,480 --> 00:58:27,162
♪ We'll be the same
as we started ♪

1489
00:58:27,163 --> 00:58:30,164
♪ While travelin' along,
singin' our song ♪

1490
00:58:30,165 --> 00:58:32,999
♪ Side by side ♪

1491
00:58:33,000 --> 00:58:36,447
[cheers and applause]

1492
00:58:38,040 --> 00:58:40,879
Matt, come back to bed.

1493
00:58:40,880 --> 00:58:42,999
We're gonna do the drill.

1494
00:58:43,000 --> 00:58:44,319
No, thank you.

1495
00:58:44,320 --> 00:58:46,163
I can't come in there any more.

1496
00:58:50,680 --> 00:58:52,879
Matt, come back to bed.

1497
00:58:52,880 --> 00:58:55,531
No, I said,
"No, thank you."

1498
00:59:02,280 --> 00:59:07,239
Matt, you got to call
the doctor today.

1499
00:59:07,240 --> 00:59:08,559
I will. I will.

1500
00:59:08,560 --> 00:59:10,039
I'm sorry.

1501
00:59:10,040 --> 00:59:12,725
I-I promise.

1502
00:59:15,400 --> 00:59:16,638
What are you doing?

1503
00:59:16,639 --> 00:59:18,642
I'm writing it on your hand.

1504
00:59:37,400 --> 00:59:42,199
<i>The Promise of Sleep
by Dr. William C. Dement.</i>

1505
00:59:42,200 --> 00:59:44,087
<i>During their entire lifetime,
people...</i>

1506
00:59:44,088 --> 00:59:47,366
My dad got me a book called
The Promise of Sleep.

1507
00:59:47,367 --> 00:59:49,725
His four basic tips
for helping you sleep,

1508
00:59:49,726 --> 00:59:51,243
they all have to do
with powering down

1509
00:59:51,244 --> 00:59:53,445
a few hours before bed,
turning off the news

1510
00:59:53,446 --> 00:59:56,922
and the internet and the phone,
and don't eat big meals,

1511
00:59:56,923 --> 00:59:58,359
which just so happen

1512
00:59:58,360 --> 01:00:01,202
to be my four favourite
activities before bed.

1513
01:00:01,203 --> 01:00:03,041
I'm completely addicted
to cable news.

1514
01:00:03,042 --> 01:00:04,483
I think it's 'cause
they hook you in

1515
01:00:04,484 --> 01:00:06,130
with the laser sound effects

1516
01:00:06,120 --> 01:00:08,359
and questions you couldn't
possibly know the answers to.

1517
01:00:08,360 --> 01:00:09,723
They'll be like, "Puh-choo!"

1518
01:00:09,724 --> 01:00:11,083
Do you know
what's in your soup?"

1519
01:00:11,084 --> 01:00:12,364
And I'm like, "Oh, my God."

1520
01:00:12,365 --> 01:00:13,930
"I guess I don't know
what's in my soup.

1521
01:00:13,920 --> 01:00:15,365
"I got to stick around.

1522
01:00:15,366 --> 01:00:18,439
"I thought maybe broth,
but I wasn't 100%.

1523
01:00:18,440 --> 01:00:20,010
"What is this,
a commercial for Toyota?

1524
01:00:20,000 --> 01:00:21,331
"All right, I'll watch this,

1525
01:00:21,320 --> 01:00:23,127
just as long as you tell me
what's in my soup."

1526
01:00:23,128 --> 01:00:25,120
And then they'll be like,
"Puh-choo, it's broth."

1527
01:00:25,121 --> 01:00:26,451
I'm like, "I knew it."

1528
01:00:26,440 --> 01:00:29,123
I knew it was broth,
but I wasn't 100%."

1529
01:00:29,124 --> 01:00:30,483
And I've been sleepwalking.

1530
01:00:30,484 --> 01:00:31,970
I walk in my sleep and...

1531
01:00:31,960 --> 01:00:33,642
Sleepwalking
is a terrifying phenomenon

1532
01:00:33,643 --> 01:00:34,971
when you think about it

1533
01:00:34,960 --> 01:00:36,562
'cause it's your body
making a decision

1534
01:00:36,563 --> 01:00:38,765
that's distinctly different
than your conscious mind.

1535
01:00:38,766 --> 01:00:39,919
Your conscious mind is like,

1536
01:00:39,920 --> 01:00:41,331
"We're gonna rest
for a few hours."

1537
01:00:41,320 --> 01:00:43,527
And your body's like,
"We're going skiing!"

1538
01:00:43,528 --> 01:00:44,839
[laughter]

1539
01:00:44,840 --> 01:00:46,567
I should see a doctor, really,

1540
01:00:46,568 --> 01:00:48,242
'cause it's gotten
pretty serious,

1541
01:00:48,243 --> 01:00:50,286
but I don't really want
to see a doctor, you know,

1542
01:00:50,287 --> 01:00:52,442
because sleep disorders,
they involve your brain.

1543
01:00:52,443 --> 01:00:56,439
And the list of fun
brain diseases is very short,

1544
01:00:56,440 --> 01:00:58,522
you know,
if you're ever surfing WebMD.

1545
01:00:58,523 --> 01:01:02,759
I got booked
at nine colleges in seven days.

1546
01:01:02,760 --> 01:01:07,599
I was performing across Ohio,
in Pennsylvania, in Delaware,

1547
01:01:07,600 --> 01:01:10,319
Washington, D.C.,
North Carolina.

1548
01:01:10,320 --> 01:01:12,127
There are 78 known
sleep disorders,

1549
01:01:12,128 --> 01:01:14,120
things that range
from sleep apnea

1550
01:01:14,121 --> 01:01:15,643
to night terrors to narcolepsy.

1551
01:01:15,644 --> 01:01:17,130
Narcolepsy is terrifying

1552
01:01:17,120 --> 01:01:18,722
'cause there are people
who fall asleep

1553
01:01:18,723 --> 01:01:20,051
at any time for any reason.

1554
01:01:20,040 --> 01:01:22,245
There are female narcoleptics
who fall asleep

1555
01:01:22,246 --> 01:01:23,683
the moment they reach orgasm.

1556
01:01:23,684 --> 01:01:26,763
I was thinking you could call
these women "men."

1557
01:01:26,764 --> 01:01:29,279
[cheers and applause]

1558
01:01:29,280 --> 01:01:30,770
And while I went on the road,

1559
01:01:30,771 --> 01:01:33,959
Abby started preparing
for our wedding

1560
01:01:33,960 --> 01:01:35,559
for months and months,

1561
01:01:35,560 --> 01:01:37,483
working on
very specific things:

1562
01:01:37,484 --> 01:01:40,919
Locations, dresses, caterers.

1563
01:01:40,920 --> 01:01:45,159
I knew this wasn't gonna happen,
but I couldn't say it.

1564
01:01:45,160 --> 01:01:46,919
Where is he?

1565
01:01:46,920 --> 01:01:50,319
He's in Philadelphia.

1566
01:01:50,320 --> 01:01:53,359
Playing a club
called The Joke Barn.

1567
01:01:53,360 --> 01:01:55,999
You're kidding me.
The Joke Barn?

1568
01:01:56,000 --> 01:01:58,890
I don't really know
what to think any more.

1569
01:01:58,880 --> 01:02:00,564
They're having you perform
in the center

1570
01:02:00,565 --> 01:02:02,439
of a walkathon for lupus.

1571
01:02:02,440 --> 01:02:03,851
Seven shows in a week.

1572
01:02:03,840 --> 01:02:05,251
I really appreciate it,
colleen,

1573
01:02:05,240 --> 01:02:06,730
but right now I'm just...

1574
01:02:06,720 --> 01:02:09,119
you know, I don't think
I should be driving that far.

1575
01:02:09,120 --> 01:02:12,281
I mean, that's, like,
1,000 miles in, like, five days.

1576
01:02:12,282 --> 01:02:14,123
<i>Well, I got a lot of guys,
Matt.</i>

1577
01:02:14,124 --> 01:02:17,399
I'd be glad to take you off
the speed dial.

1578
01:02:17,400 --> 01:02:19,079
No, no, I can do it.

1579
01:02:19,080 --> 01:02:20,359
I can do it.

1580
01:02:20,360 --> 01:02:21,566
I just-yeah, no, it's fine.

1581
01:02:21,567 --> 01:02:22,559
It's fine.

1582
01:02:22,560 --> 01:02:23,599
. Okay...

1583
01:02:23,600 --> 01:02:24,761
Thanks, Colleen.

1584
01:02:24,762 --> 01:02:26,359
Thanks.

1585
01:02:26,360 --> 01:02:27,919
[sighs]

1586
01:02:27,920 --> 01:02:29,920
<i>Police have a suspect
in custody,</i>

1587
01:02:29,921 --> 01:02:31,761
<i>but they're not releasing
any information</i>

1588
01:02:31,762 --> 01:02:33,762
<i>until they complete
their investigation.</i>

1589
01:02:39,600 --> 01:02:41,599
[gun clicks]

1590
01:02:41,600 --> 01:02:45,366
I hear you're good at taking
the bullet for other comedians.

1591
01:02:46,360 --> 01:02:49,359
[dramatic music]

1592
01:02:49,360 --> 01:02:49,860
<i>.I ".I" .</i>

1593
01:02:57,040 --> 01:02:58,279
Hey.

1594
01:02:58,280 --> 01:03:00,599
You okay?

1595
01:03:00,600 --> 01:03:03,079
Are you okay?

1596
01:03:03,080 --> 01:03:04,519
Yeah.

1597
01:03:04,520 --> 01:03:06,045
I'm sorry.

1598
01:03:09,560 --> 01:03:11,801
Sorry.

1599
01:03:25,960 --> 01:03:29,485
Here we have some of
the heavier cardstock options.

1600
01:03:29,486 --> 01:03:30,641
It's beautiful.

1601
01:03:30,642 --> 01:03:31,919
Beautiful.

1602
01:03:31,920 --> 01:03:33,570
And when are you
sending these out?

1603
01:03:33,571 --> 01:03:34,959
Right.

1604
01:03:34,960 --> 01:03:38,009
Well, the invitation
would go out June 15th.

1605
01:03:38,010 --> 01:03:39,159
June 15th.

1606
01:03:39,160 --> 01:03:42,479
And then the wedding
will be August 22nd.

1607
01:03:42,480 --> 01:03:44,839
I guess.

1608
01:03:44,840 --> 01:03:46,842
You guess?

1609
01:03:50,440 --> 01:03:53,039
If you're gonna get married,
dean

1610
01:03:53,040 --> 01:03:56,839
you have to be running down
the aisle.

1611
01:03:56,840 --> 01:03:58,251
[grunts]

1612
01:03:59,840 --> 01:04:01,046
Yeah, no, I know.

1613
01:04:01,047 --> 01:04:04,599
It'sit's a lot of decisions.

1614
01:04:04,600 --> 01:04:05,726
- I understand.
- It's fine.

1615
01:04:05,727 --> 01:04:06,759
Here.

1616
01:04:06,760 --> 01:04:08,091
This is one of my favorites.

1617
01:04:08,092 --> 01:04:10,082
You'll notice how...

1618
01:04:14,560 --> 01:04:19,248
<i>The Promise of Sleep,
by me, Dr. William C. Dement.</i>

1619
01:04:21,200 --> 01:04:22,850
What are you doing in my car?

1620
01:04:22,851 --> 01:04:24,919
I'm not really here.

1621
01:04:24,920 --> 01:04:27,079
You're just exhausted.

1622
01:04:27,080 --> 01:04:30,559
Is your name
actually Dr. Dement?

1623
01:04:30,560 --> 01:04:32,439
Surely is.

1624
01:04:32,440 --> 01:04:34,679
I feel like if I were
a sleep physician,

1625
01:04:34,680 --> 01:04:36,603
I'd want to go with
a more soothing name

1626
01:04:36,604 --> 01:04:38,959
like Dr. Happysleep.

1627
01:04:38,960 --> 01:04:42,359
<i>Dr. Chamomile Tea.</i>

1628
01:04:42,360 --> 01:04:43,691
Can we please begin?

1629
01:04:43,692 --> 01:04:44,719
Yeah. Sorry.

1630
01:04:44,720 --> 01:04:46,119
Sorry.

1631
01:04:46,120 --> 01:04:49,639
Chapter Four,
The Promise of Sleep.

1632
01:04:49,640 --> 01:04:55,039
We sleep more than 200,000 hours
during a lifetime.

1633
01:04:55,040 --> 01:04:58,079
That's the equivalent
of 8,000 days.

1634
01:04:58,080 --> 01:05:00,160
In spite of all the research,
we know very little...

1635
01:05:00,161 --> 01:05:02,320
Okay. Go ahead.
Well, is there like a...

1636
01:05:02,321 --> 01:05:04,605
Is there a chapter
on sleep disorders?

1637
01:05:04,606 --> 01:05:05,965
Let me skip ahead.

1638
01:05:05,966 --> 01:05:08,919
Chapter Nine, Sleep Disorders.

1639
01:05:08,920 --> 01:05:12,919
There's sleep walking,
sleep talking,

1640
01:05:12,920 --> 01:05:14,799
eating while you're asleep.

1641
01:05:14,800 --> 01:05:18,407
But one of the most serious
of the many sleep disorders

1642
01:05:18,408 --> 01:05:21,679
is REM Behavior Disorder.

1643
01:05:21,680 --> 01:05:23,762
People who have
REM Behavior Disorder

1644
01:05:23,763 --> 01:05:27,919
actually act out the dream
they are having.

1645
01:05:27,920 --> 01:05:30,119
In REM Behavior Disorder,

1646
01:05:30,120 --> 01:05:31,963
people are often running away

1647
01:05:31,964 --> 01:05:35,759
from some kind of demon
or wild animal.

1648
01:05:35,760 --> 01:05:39,128
In rare instances,
people with this sleep disorder

1649
01:05:39,129 --> 01:05:41,279
have actually gone so far

1650
01:05:41,280 --> 01:05:43,599
as to kill the person
they're sleeping with

1651
01:05:43,600 --> 01:05:44,965
while they're asleep.

1652
01:05:44,966 --> 01:05:46,279
Wait.
What?

1653
01:05:46,280 --> 01:05:50,119
In rare instances,
people with this sleep disorder

1654
01:05:50,120 --> 01:05:52,119
have actually gone so far

1655
01:05:52,120 --> 01:05:54,407
as to kill the person
they're sleeping with...

1656
01:05:54,408 --> 01:05:55,439
[horns honking]

1657
01:05:55,440 --> 01:05:57,399
While remaining asleep.

1658
01:05:57,400 --> 01:05:59,879
Almost nothing is known
about it

1659
01:05:59,880 --> 01:06:02,199
and almost nothing can be done.

1660
01:06:02,200 --> 01:06:03,439
<i>Hi, Mom.</i>

1661
01:06:03,440 --> 01:06:04,519
Hi, Matthew.

1662
01:06:04,520 --> 01:06:05,565
Oh, where are you?

1663
01:06:05,566 --> 01:06:06,641
I'ml'm in Maryland.

1664
01:06:06,642 --> 01:06:09,959
I'm staying at La Quinta Inn.

1665
01:06:09,960 --> 01:06:11,883
No, you mean La "Keen-tah."

1666
01:06:11,884 --> 01:06:14,399
No, I think it's La Quinta.

1667
01:06:14,400 --> 01:06:15,606
Welcome to La Keen-tah Inn.

1668
01:06:15,607 --> 01:06:16,639
Thanks.

1669
01:06:16,640 --> 01:06:18,003
[laughs] Told you.

1670
01:06:18,004 --> 01:06:20,651
Oh, is Abby with you
at La Quinta Inn?

1671
01:06:20,652 --> 01:06:22,959
No, she's at home.

1672
01:06:22,960 --> 01:06:24,323
I have to tell you,

1673
01:06:24,324 --> 01:06:26,243
she sent us a photo
of the dress.

1674
01:06:26,244 --> 01:06:27,401
Have you seen it?

1675
01:06:27,402 --> 01:06:29,639
No.
No, I-sorry.

1676
01:06:29,640 --> 01:06:31,199
Oh, you're fine.

1677
01:06:31,200 --> 01:06:32,531
Great pool here, huh?

1678
01:06:32,532 --> 01:06:33,883
I just checked in.

1679
01:06:33,884 --> 01:06:34,925
I don't really know.

1680
01:06:34,926 --> 01:06:35,921
It's open, like, 2417.

1681
01:06:35,922 --> 01:06:36,959
Sorry. Right.

1682
01:06:36,960 --> 01:06:38,005
Waffle bar's awesome too.

1683
01:06:38,006 --> 01:06:39,411
I'm not gonna tell you
about this.

1684
01:06:39,412 --> 01:06:40,679
Okay, Mom.

1685
01:06:40,680 --> 01:06:42,079
- Right?
- Right.

1686
01:06:42,080 --> 01:06:44,242
Right, I mean-but I could
tell you, but I shouldn't.

1687
01:06:44,243 --> 01:06:45,439
No, I know.

1688
01:06:45,440 --> 01:06:47,010
On the other hand,
I just don't think

1689
01:06:47,000 --> 01:06:48,682
it would be so bad
if I just described...

1690
01:06:48,683 --> 01:06:51,363
I mean, a little description
won't really ruin the effect.

1691
01:06:51,364 --> 01:06:54,170
Okay, well, let me tell you
about the dress.

1692
01:06:54,160 --> 01:06:57,685
It's off-white and very bosomy,
which I know that you like.

1693
01:06:57,686 --> 01:06:59,840
Linda, are you telling him
about the wedding dress?

1694
01:06:59,841 --> 01:07:02,000
I'mno, just giving him
a little bit-little...

1695
01:07:02,001 --> 01:07:03,124
Oh, God damn it.

1696
01:07:03,125 --> 01:07:04,531
You're not supposed
to let the groom

1697
01:07:04,520 --> 01:07:05,883
know about the dress.

1698
01:07:05,884 --> 01:07:07,721
Well, I don't think a little
tease will hurt, really.

1699
01:07:07,722 --> 01:07:08,844
Give me the phone.
Give me the...

1700
01:07:08,845 --> 01:07:10,203
Why did you have
to bring that up to him?

1701
01:07:10,204 --> 01:07:11,643
Because I thought
he would enjoy it.

1702
01:07:11,644 --> 01:07:13,481
Hey, look, hey, Matthew,
where the hell are you, anyway?

1703
01:07:13,482 --> 01:07:14,923
Are you all right?
Things are fine.

1704
01:07:14,924 --> 01:07:17,571
Yeah, well, I just got
an E-ZPass bill for $563.

1705
01:07:17,560 --> 01:07:20,245
Are you using my goddamn car
to cruise around the country?

1706
01:07:20,246 --> 01:07:22,279
No, I'm not cruising, Dad.

1707
01:07:22,280 --> 01:07:23,518
What are you talking about?

1708
01:07:23,519 --> 01:07:25,202
Oh, I don't think
that car can take it.

1709
01:07:25,203 --> 01:07:28,488
I think you either got
to settle down or get a new car.

1710
01:07:28,489 --> 01:07:30,639
II got to go.

1711
01:07:30,640 --> 01:07:31,844
Matthew, one more thing.

1712
01:07:31,845 --> 01:07:33,203
I'm gonna email
the photo to you.

1713
01:07:33,204 --> 01:07:35,202
- No, I got to go, Mom.
- I sent it.

1714
01:07:35,203 --> 01:07:36,884
Oh, God damn it!

1715
01:07:46,880 --> 01:07:48,564
[sighs]

1716
01:07:52,560 --> 01:07:57,079
[intense instrumental music]

1717
01:07:57,080 --> 01:07:59,399
[police siren wailing distantly]

1718
01:07:59,400 --> 01:08:00,811
Isolate the coordinates.

1719
01:08:00,812 --> 01:08:01,879
Yes, sir.

1720
01:08:01,880 --> 01:08:03,118
Bearing mark 2-1 -1 -3,

1721
01:08:03,119 --> 01:08:06,044
latitude 46 degrees north
and longitude 118 west.

1722
01:08:06,045 --> 01:08:07,519
What's going on?

1723
01:08:07,520 --> 01:08:10,839
We're currently tracking
a guided missile

1724
01:08:10,840 --> 01:08:13,079
that's headed
straight for this room.

1725
01:08:13,080 --> 01:08:14,161
Just tell me this.

1726
01:08:14,162 --> 01:08:15,519
What's the plan?

1727
01:08:15,520 --> 01:08:17,761
Well, Matt, it looks like
you don't have one.

1728
01:08:17,762 --> 01:08:21,279
I think you need a little
goddamn reality testing.

1729
01:08:21,280 --> 01:08:23,079
There's one more thing.

1730
01:08:23,080 --> 01:08:28,279
The missile coordinates
are set specifically on you.

1731
01:08:28,280 --> 01:08:30,760
[alarm beeping]

1732
01:08:35,280 --> 01:08:37,360
What's gonna happen
to these people?

1733
01:08:37,361 --> 01:08:38,850
It doesn't look good, Matt.

1734
01:08:38,851 --> 01:08:41,799
[mumbling indistinctly]

1735
01:08:41,800 --> 01:08:44,719
[alarm beeping]

1736
01:08:44,720 --> 01:08:46,319
<i>Warning.</i>

1737
01:08:46,320 --> 01:08:47,719
<i>12, 11...</i>

1738
01:08:47,720 --> 01:08:48,959
Okay!

1739
01:08:48,960 --> 01:08:51,725
<i>10, 9, 8...</i>

1740
01:08:54,440 --> 01:08:55,439
Ah!

1741
01:08:55,440 --> 01:08:56,566
[glass shattering]

1742
01:08:56,567 --> 01:08:58,119
Ah!

1743
01:08:58,120 --> 01:09:01,124
[yelling]

1744
01:09:04,680 --> 01:09:07,889
[dog barking]

1745
01:09:38,360 --> 01:09:41,443
[dog barking]

1746
01:09:46,760 --> 01:09:49,159
[phones ringing]

1747
01:09:49,160 --> 01:09:53,319
<i>I just saw a guyjump out
the window screaming.</i>

1748
01:09:53,320 --> 01:09:55,209
<i>I mean, is anybody gonna do
anything?</i>

1749
01:09:55,210 --> 01:09:56,361
<i>My God!</i>

1750
01:09:59,920 --> 01:10:02,759
Hello.

1751
01:10:02,760 --> 01:10:05,279
I'm staying at the hotel.

1752
01:10:05,280 --> 01:10:09,719
I had an incident wherein
ljumped out my window,

1753
01:10:09,720 --> 01:10:11,199
and I'm bleeding,

1754
01:10:11,200 --> 01:10:14,204
and I need to go
to the hospital.

1755
01:10:16,040 --> 01:10:17,565
All right.

1756
01:10:21,760 --> 01:10:24,279
<i>_</i> [grunting]

1757
01:10:24,280 --> 01:10:27,443
What's painful about jumping out
a second-story window

1758
01:10:27,444 --> 01:10:30,559
isn't actually
the jumping part.

1759
01:10:30,560 --> 01:10:32,079
[grunting]

1760
01:10:32,080 --> 01:10:35,243
It's when they start to pick
the glass out of your legs.

1761
01:10:35,244 --> 01:10:39,159
[grunting]

1762
01:10:39,160 --> 01:10:42,321
This glass was right near
your femoral artery.

1763
01:10:42,322 --> 01:10:44,482
If you'd have hit that,
you'd have bled to death.

1764
01:10:47,520 --> 01:10:49,919
You should be dead.

1765
01:10:49,920 --> 01:10:51,763
No, you should.

1766
01:10:53,560 --> 01:10:56,279
I zinged him...

1767
01:10:56,280 --> 01:10:59,079
Because I'm a comedian.

1768
01:10:59,080 --> 01:11:00,764
[sighs]

1769
01:11:37,280 --> 01:11:40,959
I don't think that
we should be getting married.

1770
01:11:40,960 --> 01:11:43,759
L-and I...

1771
01:11:43,760 --> 01:11:48,288
I knew I wasn't ready,
and I should've said it but...

1772
01:11:51,800 --> 01:11:54,326
I just think
I should be on my own.

1773
01:12:04,240 --> 01:12:05,924
You're right.

1774
01:12:09,640 --> 01:12:12,325
We shouldn't
be getting married.

1775
01:12:15,480 --> 01:12:17,847
How long have you
felt like that?

1776
01:12:22,280 --> 01:12:24,123
[sighs]

1777
01:12:32,520 --> 01:12:33,759
[sighs]

1778
01:12:33,760 --> 01:12:35,728
When I was getting ready
to make this film,

1779
01:12:35,729 --> 01:12:38,929
I was obsessing over
my relationship with Abby

1780
01:12:38,930 --> 01:12:41,199
and what went wrong

1781
01:12:41,200 --> 01:12:45,159
and why she stayed with me,
you know, all these years.

1782
01:12:45,160 --> 01:12:48,519
And so I went to visit her.

1783
01:12:48,520 --> 01:12:51,959
She lives upstate
with her husband and two kids.

1784
01:12:51,960 --> 01:12:54,959
And, you know,
I called in advance.

1785
01:12:54,960 --> 01:12:57,531
You know, I didn't just show up
and say, like,

1786
01:12:57,520 --> 01:12:59,363
"I'm your ex-boyfriend,
and I want answers."

1787
01:12:59,364 --> 01:13:01,159
You know?

1788
01:13:01,160 --> 01:13:03,559
I know that that's probably
not the best thing to do.

1789
01:13:03,560 --> 01:13:05,449
And so I-you know,
we're friends,

1790
01:13:05,450 --> 01:13:07,919
and so I went
and visited her and...

1791
01:13:07,920 --> 01:13:09,204
and we're having tea,

1792
01:13:09,205 --> 01:13:10,770
and, like, her kids
are running around,

1793
01:13:10,771 --> 01:13:13,719
and I said to her-
I was like,

1794
01:13:13,720 --> 01:13:16,405
"Why did you stay with me
all those years

1795
01:13:16,406 --> 01:13:20,399
when you knew
that we were doomed?"

1796
01:13:20,400 --> 01:13:22,767
And she said...

1797
01:13:24,720 --> 01:13:27,405
"I didn't want to hurt you."

1798
01:13:34,240 --> 01:13:36,242
Can you believe that?

1799
01:13:39,200 --> 01:13:44,879
We almost spent the entire
rest of our lives together

1800
01:13:44,880 --> 01:13:48,566
because <i>we</i> didn't want
to make the other person mad.

1801
01:14:06,840 --> 01:14:09,603
I'm gonna tell you a story
tonight, and it's true.

1802
01:14:09,604 --> 01:14:12,078
And I always have to tell people
that because inevitably...

1803
01:14:12,079 --> 01:14:13,570
And I would say, "Abby!"

1804
01:14:13,571 --> 01:14:17,079
There's a jackal in the room!"

1805
01:14:17,080 --> 01:14:19,759
We went to my sister Janet's
wedding.

1806
01:14:19,760 --> 01:14:21,965
Now, if you're ever
in a relationship

1807
01:14:21,966 --> 01:14:24,531
that seems to be moving
towards marriage

1808
01:14:24,532 --> 01:14:29,399
and you're not ready for it
to go in that direction,

1809
01:14:29,400 --> 01:14:33,879
don't go
to my sister Janet's wedding.

1810
01:14:33,880 --> 01:14:36,963
As my anxiety about
my relationship got worse,

1811
01:14:36,964 --> 01:14:38,799
my sleepwalking got worse.

1812
01:14:38,800 --> 01:14:40,559
The window was closed,

1813
01:14:40,560 --> 01:14:45,359
so I jumped through a window
like The Hulk.

1814
01:14:45,360 --> 01:14:48,204
I did what I should have done
in the first place

1815
01:14:48,205 --> 01:14:49,879
when I saw the jackal,

1816
01:14:49,880 --> 01:14:53,199
when I was in
the DustBuster Olympics.

1817
01:14:53,200 --> 01:14:56,010
I went to a doctor who
specializes in sleep disorders.

1818
01:14:56,000 --> 01:14:58,480
I was diagnosed
with REM Behavior Disorder.

1819
01:14:58,481 --> 01:15:01,079
And so now when I go to bed
at night,

1820
01:15:01,080 --> 01:15:03,039
I turn off the news,

1821
01:15:03,040 --> 01:15:06,199
the phone, and the internet.

1822
01:15:06,200 --> 01:15:07,559
I take medication,

1823
01:15:07,560 --> 01:15:12,885
and I sleep in a sleeping bag
up to my neck.

1824
01:15:13,920 --> 01:15:17,599
And I wear mittens...

1825
01:15:17,600 --> 01:15:21,679
So I can't open
the sleeping bag.

1826
01:15:21,680 --> 01:15:26,519
<i>Please welcome to the stage,
Matt Pandamiglio.</i>

1827
01:15:26,520 --> 01:15:29,599
[cheers and applause]

1828
01:15:29,600 --> 01:15:31,250
A lot of times,
people will come up to me,

1829
01:15:31,251 --> 01:15:35,879
and they ask me, you know,
like, "Are you cured?"

1830
01:15:35,880 --> 01:15:37,759
And I say, "No."

1831
01:15:37,760 --> 01:15:40,570
But I think that's okay.

1832
01:15:55,880 --> 01:15:58,879
[mellow rock music]

1833
01:15:58,880 --> 01:15:59,380
♪♪

1834
01:16:03,440 --> 01:16:07,279
<i>♪ I've been waiting
for a sign ♪</i>

1835
01:16:07,280 --> 01:16:10,319
♪ I've been waiting for a sin ♪

1836
01:16:10,320 --> 01:16:12,519
♪ To tell me where ♪

1837
01:16:12,520 --> 01:16:14,319
♪ Tell me where ♪

1838
01:16:14,320 --> 01:16:18,639
♪ I belong ♪

1839
01:16:18,640 --> 01:16:22,439
♪ And you've been waiting
for the niht ♪

1840
01:16:22,440 --> 01:16:25,599
♪ You've been waiting
for the night ♪

1841
01:16:25,600 --> 01:16:27,719
♪ To take you far ♪

1842
01:16:27,720 --> 01:16:33,839
♪ Take you far away from me ♪

1843
01:16:33,840 --> 01:16:39,799
♪ Now, now, now, now,
now, now, now ♪

1844
01:16:39,800 --> 01:16:41,679
♪ Who, who, who, who ♪

1845
01:16:41,680 --> 01:16:47,439
♪ Now, now, now, now,
now, now, now ♪

1846
01:16:47,440 --> 01:16:49,559
♪ Who, who, who, who ♪

1847
01:16:49,560 --> 01:16:50,060
♪♪

1848
01:16:56,880 --> 01:17:03,679
♪ I've been waiting for a sin ♪

1849
01:17:03,680 --> 01:17:05,839
♪ To tell me where ♪

1850
01:17:05,840 --> 01:17:07,479
♪ Tell me where ♪

1851
01:17:07,480 --> 01:17:09,926
♪ Where I belong ♪

1852
01:17:11,520 --> 01:17:15,799
.I" And you've been waiting
for the night ♪

1853
01:17:15,800 --> 01:17:18,879
♪ You've been waiting
for the night ♪

1854
01:17:18,880 --> 01:17:20,999
♪ To take you far ♪

1855
01:17:21,000 --> 01:17:25,449
♪ Take you far away from here ♪

1856
01:17:27,440 --> 01:17:32,839
♪ Now, now, now, now,
now, now, now ♪

1857
01:17:32,840 --> 01:17:35,039
♪ Who, who, who, who ♪

1858
01:17:35,040 --> 01:17:40,359
♪ Now, now, now, now,
now, now, now ♪

1859
01:17:40,360 --> 01:17:43,479
♪ Who, who, who, who ♪

1860
01:17:43,480 --> 01:17:49,169
♪ And as I'm waiting
on your doorstep now ♪

1861
01:17:51,320 --> 01:17:55,325
♪ I notice patterns
in the paint ♪

1862
01:17:58,840 --> 01:18:02,159
♪ I'm wondering how
the glass will hit ♪

1863
01:18:02,160 --> 01:18:04,606
♪ When I ♪

1864
01:18:06,520 --> 01:18:11,287
♪ As I turn and go in shame ♪

1865
01:18:13,040 --> 01:18:18,040
♪ Now, now, now, now,
now, now, now ♪

1866
01:18:30,360 --> 01:18:33,359
[ambling instrumental music]

1867
01:18:33,360 --> 01:18:33,860
♪♪

1868
01:18:54,640 --> 01:18:56,608
♪ There's a spot on your body ♪

1869
01:18:56,609 --> 01:18:59,199
♪ And it caused all the boys ♪

1870
01:18:59,200 --> 01:19:02,599
♪ Follow your eyes
and get lost ♪

1871
01:19:02,600 --> 01:19:03,100
♪♪

1872
01:19:07,280 --> 01:19:09,246
♪ You'll swear to your family ♪

1873
01:19:09,247 --> 01:19:10,446
♪ Family and friends ♪

1874
01:19:10,447 --> 01:19:13,559
♪ Why, it was just yesterday ♪

1875
01:19:13,560 --> 01:19:15,447
♪ Just swear to your family ♪

1876
01:19:15,448 --> 01:19:16,771
♪ Family and friends ♪

1877
01:19:16,772 --> 01:19:20,079
♪ Why, it was just yesterday ♪

1878
01:19:20,080 --> 01:19:23,239
♪♪

1879
01:19:23,240 --> 01:19:25,999
♪ If every man's
a photographer ♪

1880
01:19:26,000 --> 01:19:29,319
♪ Then smile
and hold up your head ♪

1881
01:19:29,320 --> 01:19:32,051
♪ Give him one of your
long batty looks ♪

1882
01:19:32,052 --> 01:19:35,559
♪ Before he climb on
into your bed ♪

1883
01:19:35,560 --> 01:19:36,060
♪♪

1884
01:19:41,400 --> 01:19:43,287
♪ And you'll swear
to your family ♪

1885
01:19:43,288 --> 01:19:44,486
♪ Family and friends ♪

1886
01:19:44,487 --> 01:19:47,559
♪ Why, it was just yesterday ♪

1887
01:19:47,560 --> 01:19:49,287
♪ Just swear to your family ♪

1888
01:19:49,288 --> 01:19:50,520
♪ Family and friends ♪

1889
01:19:50,521 --> 01:19:53,639
♪ Why, it was just yesterday ♪

1890
01:19:53,640 --> 01:19:57,279
♪♪

1891
01:19:57,280 --> 01:19:59,999
♪Mmm♪

1892
01:20:00,000 --> 01:20:03,119
<i>♪ Mmm, mm-mm, mmm ♪</i>

1893
01:20:03,120 --> 01:20:03,620
♪♪