Subtitles & Sync By FridayToker
[keys jangling]
Before we begin,
I just want to ask you to turn off your phone.
I say that 'cause I was at a movie recently,
and the guy next to me answered his phone during the movie.
And he answered it by saying- and I quote...
he said, "Who dis?"
Which means, not only was he willing to talk to someone;
He was willing to talk to anyone.
He didn't care who it "das."
Thanks.
I'm not sure what the past tense of "dis" is,
but he did not care who it "das."
I'm gonna tell you a story, and-and it's true.
I always have to tell people that because, inevitably,
someone will come up to me, and they'll be like,
"Was that true?"
And I'll be like, "Yeah."
And they'll be like, "Was it?"
I don't know how to respond to that.
Like, I guess I could say it louder, you know,
like, "yeah!"
They'd be like, "it's probably true.
He said it louder."
Oh, God.
Oh, are you okay?
Yes, yes.
It all started when my girlfriend Abby and I
decided to move in together.
I wasn't entirely sure it was the best idea.
Hardwood floors, lots of room.
My apartment now is only slightly bigger than my body.
So this is better?
Yeah, yeah, this is better.
Good.
It's so dark in here, so we can paint.
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, if you like it, you should act quickly,
because this will go today.
Well, I love it.
Matt, do you love it?
Do you- what do you want...
Iwell, I mean, do you think we should see other places,
or are we rushing here?
Mm, well...
Mm...
Mm?
Yeah.
We'll take it.
Good. Let's fill out...
I just didn't feel like my life was on sure footing.
You know, Abby was always
the more focused of the two of us.
Abby was teaching these vocal workshops
at a studio in Brooklyn, and her students loved her.
Meanwhile, I was trying to be a comedian,
which was not going so well.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a comedian,
a rapper, or the owner of a pizza restaurant
where third graders could hang out.
I didn't realize that instead of being a comedian,
I would end up just working at a bar
where they have comedy.
Like, over time,
I've learned to become more realistic about my goals.
Like, over time, for me,
the dream has gone from getting famous doing comedy
to making a living doing comedy
to finding $20 in the street.
I feel like that's way more realistic...
So it wasn't going too well.
But I kept telling myself that it was,
because you- I think, to be a comedian,
you have to be a little bit delusional.
Particularly starting out,
there's just so much failure.
And amidst that failure, you have to tell yourself,
"it's going quite nicely."
Because if you didn't, you would just never get onstage again.
You'd be like, "I guess human beings don't like me."
That's a hard reality to face.
As a matter of fact, there are a lot of realities
I have a hard time facing.
But we'll get to that later.
Hey...
Hi.
I, uh-l packed the blue thing
and then the pink thing that goes under it.
Perfect.
And I got you these.
They didn't have unsalted,
so I flew to Africa and got you those, specially.
Thank you, Abby. That was a great class.
Oh, bye, Martin. Thanks.
Listen, the class was not...
Really? That guy seemed happy.
And could you sign that?
That's for Janet.
They have a whole section now
for "Your Sister's Engagement Party" cards.
Wow. This is really specific.
Yeah.
I was gonna cross some stuff out, you know...
Yeah?
No mention of divorce rate or...
Do you want me to write that in?
- Yeah, you could write it in. - [giggles]
To Janet and Philip.
Last year, my younger sister Janet got engaged.
That's Janet.
And those are my parents.
You know, marriage is like...
Well, you know, it's like this cake, you know?
When you first bite into it,
you can't imagine anything better,
and you eat, and you eat,
and then maybe you've had enough cake.
My mom seems to drive my father insane.
She always wants to add one more thing.
Ooh, and one more thing.
But it's rarely anything that deserves to be one more thing.
I got the cake on the internet.
You're next.
Oh, yeah, just look around, man.
All of this is- it's coming your way, baby.
Batter up.
Oh, she's beautiful.
Look at her.
She's a keeper.
[both giggle]
Philip proposed to Janet 2 years after they met.
It was 2 1/2 years.
It was almost 3.
2 1/2 years after they met.
Very sweet.
It was so sweet.
And, boy, they've come a long way since then,
because Janet told me
that at the end of their first date...
Mom, you don't have to tell that story.
That's not necessary.
Philip said, at the end of their first date,
"Good night, Gina."
And her name is Janet.
He didn't know her name, honey.
Linda, what are you talking about in there?
Oh, Frank, we're talking in here.
You ought to join us.
Well, I know her name now.
I only call her "Gina" in bed.
You can't say that.
Just tell me, what are you talking about?
Philip knows Janet's name!
Matt, how long have you and Abby been together?
Eight-eight years.
Eight years.
I don't remember it being so long.
That's silly. That's ridiculous.
I used to save everything.
Listen to this email that you sent me sophomore spring.
I actually printed these.
That's very generous of you.
You're very stingy with toner.
[hiccups] Oh.
Aw...
"Matt, my parents want me to go to law school,
"but I'm like, 'Whatever.
I'm gonna move to New York with my band."'
Oh, yeah, and then that band will break up,
and then I'll have another band,
and then that band will break up,
and then I'll teach...
[hiccups] Oh, my God.
- Ahl. - [gasps]
Shh, you're gonna wake up my parents.
"You're a keeper."
Right. And what does that imply?
That you're onna rip a hook out of my mouth
and throw me back?
They're gonna let me live?
Oh...
Here.
And Uncle Max is so subtle
with that whole, "You're next," thing.
It's just like, these people just have no lives, you know?
I mean, you don't want to get married, right?
[exhales]
Are you asking?
Nu'
Then, no, I guess.
Abby, there's a jackal in the room.
[thudding]
Abby, there's a jackal in the room!
What?
There's a jackal, right there.
There's no jackal.
Come back to bed.
What's going on?
There, there.
[thudding]
Matthew?
[whispering] There's a jackal.
That's-there's no jackal, Matthew.
That's the hamper.
Go to bed, sweetie.
[door clicks shut]
"There's a jackal in the room," right, son?
"Sweetheart, wake up. There is no jackal.
Wake up."
I think they get it, Mom, yeah.
Oh, oh, and he's in this, like,
little karate pose, so sweet, in the corner.
And he didn't even take karate, though.
Hey, Matt, you were no belt in karate, I believe?
That's what it was.
- How are you at kung fu? - Pretty good.
Dad, what are you doing?
How long has this sleepwalking been going on?
No, Dad, you're gonna get another heart attack if...
- Calm down. - Oh, hush, hush.
He doesn't care.
You know, I work with some physicians
over at the hospital who specialize in sleep disorders.
I could make a referral.
That might be really helpful.
I don't think it's that serious.
You know, it's only happened once.
Probably just a fluke.
Well, it's something to keep an eye on.
Abby, can I count on you to tell me if it happens again?
Thank you.
This bacon is delicious, honey.
Really greasy.
[electronic voice] Turn right on Horse Neck Road.
You need money?
No, Dad, I have a job.
[laughs]
Why is that funny?
Well, you need some goddamn reality testin.
You need a car?
No, I don't really drive.
Right.
You could have this car.
We're giving it up.
I don't know.
What do you think, Abby?
[train bell clanging]
Oh, Matt, uh...
'lo! I '
No, take it.
- Thanks. - Mm-hmm.
[sighs]
Are we okay?
Is something wrong?
Matt, I'm not saying
I need to get married right now or anythin.
Just-the idea that I spend all of my time with a person
who can't even imagine that as a possibility is just weird.
I know what you mean.
What can I say?
She was right.
But at this point in my life,
I mean, I was figuring out some really basic stuff like:
What am I gonna do with my life,
and where do you buy cereal?
You know?
I mean, I never thought of marriage as a goal.
Like, I never looked at my parents' marriage
or really anyone who'd been married more than 30 years
and thought, "I got to get me some of that."
But Abby was the greatest person I'd ever met in my life.
I fell for Abby from the moment I saw her.
She had this big, beautiful smile.
Like, it seemed like her teeth were bigger than her head
but in a sexy way.
[cheers and applause]
So I built up the courage to say...
Hey.
. Hey...
II just wanted to say,
I really was moved by your performance
just, like, on every level.
Almost sounds creepy.
No, I meant it in some of the creepy ways.
I kept running into her on campus...
Hey.
Because I was following her.
Matt. Matt. Matt.
_ Hey, Abby.
Hey, Matt, right?
Yeah.
And I'd see her, and I'd say...
Hey, are you free, like, this weekend?
She'd say no, which was hot also,
'cause I knew she was sensible.
No, really, we're arranging four new sons,
and they all need rehearsal...
Eventually, I threw her an off-speed pitch.
I said...
Do you want to go to church sometime?
What?
Well, I haven't been to church since I was, like, ten,
but there's this nice chapel here on campus,
and I was thinking, if the date doesn't go well,
maybe we'll get something out of the homily.
[laughs]
♪ Now, now, now, now, now, now, now ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
Abby actually had to convince me
to have sex for the first time.
I think I really want to.
Yeah.
[door squeaks open]
Get out of here!
Sorry.
She decided we'd go to a bed-and-breakfast,
because nothing alleviates
the fear of sex for the first time
like a really elaborate plan.
It was, like, a reversal of those '80s high school movies
where the girl is like, "Devin, I can't."
And Devin's like, "But you can."
She was Devin, and I was Molly Ringwald.
I think falling in love for the first time
is such a transcendent feeling.
You know, it's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream.
Your brain can't even process that level of joy.
[applause]
Is there anyone else?
Yeah?
Come on.
[applause]
Whoo!
Uh, I was thinking about Cookie Monster, you know?
And I was just thinking, like, do you think he...
this guy has an eating disorder?
Like, all he eats is cookies,
and he doesn't even have a throat.
You know, like, he's only fooling himself.
Um, and I was...
like, I was thinking about stick insects, you know?
And, like, if I were an insect...
I'm not an insect. Like, I know that.
But, like, if I were an insect, like,
I'd hate to be a stick insect
'cause all the other insects
are always, like, bumping into you
'cause they don't know you're there,
"and you got to just be like, 'Watch it."
And they're like, "Yeah, you look like a stick."
And you're just like, "Yeah, I have eyes."
And they're like, "Yeah, they were closed.
More sticks."
That's all the jokes I have.
[applause]
Whoo! Whoo-hoo!
[applause]
That was amazing. Yeah?
That was a comedian.
I really feel like our whole lives,
no matter how low our self-esteem gets,
there's some part of us that thinks,
"I have a secret special skill that no one knows about."
And eventually, we meet someone who's like,
"You have a secret special skill."
And you're like, "I know. So do you."
Let's eat pizza-flavored ice cream together."
And that's love.
It's a mountain of pizza-flavored ice cream.
And delusion.
You had a nice, big wedding?
Yeah, it was really beautiful.
You guys grow up together?
You could say so.
We lived in the same borough.
Like, one train ride away.
So Tommy's a good-looking guy, huh?
Well, I think so.
You think it was love at first sight?
Oh, absolutely, yeah.
Tommy, what's your favourite thing about Tammy?
I like how Tammy's beautiful on the outside.
When you get to know her,
you realize she's beautiful on the inside.
Well, I didn't know what Prince Charming was
until I met Tommy.
And now I know what Prince Charming is.
[chortles]
Honey, did you record this?
[stately organ music]
[electronic beeping]
[sighs]
She could just like those shows.
I don't think anyone likes those shows.
I like those shows.
Oh, sorry.
II don't know.
Sorry. Could you hold this?
Yeah.
I just don't understand what the big deal is.
Right, like, I- I don't know.
I just had always assumed
that you guys would get married, you know?
She's amazing.
I think that's the problem.
You know, it's like, that's how Mom and Dad feel,
and that's how me and Abby's friends feel.
Like, I think everyone thinks the best thing about my life
is my girlfriend.
It'syou're- you're gonna be fine.
It sounds to me like you just need a little space.
Yeah. No, you're probably right.
You guys should take a breather.
What does that even mean now?
I mean, is it-like, she has sex with some stranger?
Yes. Probably.
[laughing] That's unbearable.
Yeah, but-no, but you would never know about it.
- That's worse. - I know.
' Right?
No, do people ever take, like, a "no sex" breather?
Is that something that people could do?
- No. - Do people have that?
No, I don't think anyone has that.
- No? Okay. - No.
[sighs]
You should- you should talk to her.
Bring it up with her. See what she says.
Yeah.
No, I- Yeah, I'm gonna do...
Any wealthy people with us tonight?
Any ultrarich millionaires?
[whistling and shouting]
I doubt it.
I've actually begun dipping a few of my own toes
in the financial waters.
I've discovered I can turn $1,000 into $420
in less than a week.
[laughter]
I have the rest of my money in one of these online banks.
Anyone else have money tied up
in one of these shady institutions?
Are you okay, Pandamiglio?
Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
. Hey...
You okay?
"- Yeah. Just"
I was just talking to Janet and-uh, today.
She-she had this thought.
Oh. What was the thought?
Well...
Um, well, she was saying that...
Can I get a Jameson rocks?
Yeah, yeah.
Great set.
I, uh- I'm a comedian as well.
I perform here sometimes.
Jameson...
Oh, sure.
Anyway, it's, uh...
She just had this thought where she was just like...
Hey, guys!
Hey!
Hello!
There's our guy.
So adorable.
- Yeah. - Hi, Butler.
Nice boots.
Hey, can we get a couple free drinks?
Yes. Yeah, no.
Actually, guys, you know,
Matt and I were gonna have a little talk,
so maybe we could just talk for a second,
and I'll come right back.
It's no big deal, you know?
You guys having, like, a talk-talk?
Like a Cosby talk?
No, no, no. It's not a big deal.
Well, is it the, "Theo getting bad grades in school" talk
or the "Vanessa dating for the first time" kind of talk?
Yeah, I think it's neither.
But we can talk later.
No, it's fine. We can talk now.
Just give me a second. Here.
Yeah, totally. No, we'll wait over there.
- Okay. - Bye.
Anyway...
Pandamiglio, we're still waiting on Terrence to show up.
You want to do five? Yeah.
I'm gonna bring you on now.
Okay. Sure.
Um, oh, we can talk later.
- Okay, have a good set. - All right.
You may have seen this next uy
crushing mint into your mojito.
Please welcome Matt Pandamiglio.
[applause]
Thanks.
Um, I was watching TV the other day,
and I was watching The A-Team.
And I-you know, sometimes I feel like these guys
aren't even trying, you know?
Like, I feel like if you're on the run from the law,
you might want to go easy on the gold chains and feathers.
Like, maybe take the red stripe off the van.
Just a couple ideas.
So he thought there was a jackal in your hamper?
No, he thought the hamper was a jackal.
Oh.
Ok3Y...
It was this really...
it was really stressful, though, that weekend...
his parents and relatives and everything.
Just kind of a weird time, I guess.
Well, you need to get you one of these guys, huh?
That'll fix everything, right, Petey?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Yeah?
No, yeah.
I don't know if I'm ready for one of these.
I don't know if Matt is either.
Oh, come on.
Just tell him Butler needs buddies.
Yeah, I could say that.
Butler needs some buddies.
That- I would never say that.
Please welcome Terrence Bailey, everybody.
Terrence Bailey.
[scattered applause]
Hey.
Hey!
Yayl You were great!
- Oh, did you guys watch? - Uh-uh.
We heard those jokes in college, though,
and they were funny then.
Ah.
Um, let me grab your empties.
Uno mas, monsieur.
Thank you, bartender.
Gracias.
"What happened after dinner?"
"We went back to my place."
"Yeah. Then what?"
"Ah, started making out."
"Yeah! Then what?"
Hey, man.
I was just- I was just onstage.
Just did my set.
This business is insane, psychotic.
What's your name again? Mick?
Matt.
Mack, I'm out there onstage killin, riht?
Yeah.
Meanwhile, I got friends out in Hollywood,
terrible comics, the worst,
just leaking this derivative,
pandering comedic pus, you know?
But they're on sitcoms.
Sure.
They have infinity pools.
They're taking flying lessons.
I know a guy with a Wiffle Ball stadium.
- Yeah. - Used to work here.
Now he's got a Wiffle Ball stadium as a backyard.
It's malignant.
Yeah.
I know what you mean.
You see that woman over there,
that mess with the red roller suitcase?
Yeah.
That's my agent, colleen. Useless.
Right.
I told her, "Get me out of here.
Get me on the road. Get me some gigs out there."
Comes back to me with six gigs spread across five states.
$150 a night.
Mmhmm.
Pathetic.
Hey, Ian, hi.
Hey, Colleen, how are you?
Thanks a lot for those gigs last week.
Hey, no problem.
Yeah. All right, I'm gonna go.
Maybe I'll give you a buzz tomorrow.
All right. That'll be nice. Okay.
Hey, I'm Matt.
Hey, Matt.
How are you?
Good.
I-I saw you onstage.
Yeah. Cool. Cool.
Yeah.
Well, yeah, hey,
if there's ever any, like, small gigs or...
or anything really kind of- I'm around, just so you know.
Yeah, well, how much time can you do?
I don't know.
Probably, like, 15 minutes or so.
And he's great at hosting.
He hosts here all the time.
And collees- do you ever book colleges?
A few, yeah.
Yeah, he's great with college students.
They love him. They find him very relatable.
[chuckles]
Well, here, Matt.
Call me when you have...
when you want to sit down and talk.
. Okay...
Great.
Yeah? See you. Bye.
Pandamiglio, we got a situation in the bathroom.
You're gonna need the fuzzy mop.
. Okay...
Thanks for helping out with the agent stuff.
You're just much better at telling people what you want.
God, Butler really is adorable, huh?
Which one's Butler?
Butler.
Butler, the- Butler the baby.
The baby, yeah, yeah, the little baby we saw.
Yeah, no, I think I blocked that out
'cause I have this fear of babies.
Like, I always get worried...
like, what happens if I'm holding the baby
and then the baby just dies, you know?
[giggles]
And then I killed the baby.
Right.
And then-and-you know...
Yeah, you're probably not gonna get,
like, a Christmas present after that.
Exactly.
Then, 'cause they'd be like, "What do we get Matt?
Nothin. He killed the baby."
And then if I ever want to, like, adopt a baby,
they'll be like, "Have you ever killed a baby?"
And I'd just be like, "Kind of."
Yeah.
Do you think Butler needs some buddies?
What?
I don't know.
I was just thinking maybe Butler could use a buddy.
I think he's got a lot of buddies.
He seems like he's very...
No. He's a loser.
He doesn't have any friends.
No, he's got a million friends.
I see him on the street every day.
Okay, well, someday,
we'll probably make him a friend,
so we may as well practice tonight.
You know, I've been practicing on my own.
What are you doing?
Ll don't know.
I'm just, like, um...
I'm just, like, not into this right now, intellectually.
Intellectually? Are you serious?
Kind of.
Are you?
Kind of.
I was-l was talking to Janet today,
and she was saying that, last year,
she and Philip took a breather
and that it was, like- it made 'em closer.
What?
Oh, no-it was just, like, this thing that she said.
I just thought it was interesting.
Are you saying you think we should do that?
No, no, no. I'm saying they did that.
Do you want to have sex with other people?
No.
You want me to have sex with other people?
No. No.
I think theirs was, like, a "no sex" breather.
That's ridiculous.
If you don't want to be with a person,
you should just break up with 'em.
And that's what I said.
[crows cawing]
[dogs barking]
[crows cawing]
[dogs growling]
Ah!
[grunts]
You did it, Matt.
Third place.
Third place? In what?
I didn't even know this was a competition.
I would have had more preparation.
Third place in what?
DustBustering.
[cheers and applause]
Matt, it looks like there's been a mistake.
You actually got first place.
You're so beautiful.
[cheers and applause]
[baby cooin9]
You have to move.
[dramatic music swells]
[music stops]
♪♪
[music stops]
Thank you!
Ow!
Matt?
Abby...
What happened?
I got first place.
Ah. Ah.
I'll go get a Band-Aid.
This is the first time I remember thinking,
"Well, this seems dangerous.
Maybe I should see a doctor."
And then I thought, "Maybe I'll eat dinner."
And I went with dinner.
Oh, and there's one more thing.
Elaine from my swim club
bought a rice cooker.
Thank you, dear.
Well, I'm just telling them because...
- I know. - It's part of...
Oh, you have a- they have a rice cooker.
Thank you.
Oh, well, we love the apartment.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
- Thank you. - Thanks.
You gonna fix it up?
Um, yeah, well, we want to paint,
and we want to maybe get some curtains and that kind of thing.
Very bus}!...
I think it's perfect. I have to say.
Linda, the dessert.
- Oh, we're not having dessert- - Hush.
Your mother ordered a cake from the internet.
Now sit.
Need some plates.
Wow.
So, Matt, we, uh...
We heard about the DustBuster Olympics.
You know, it's...
Linda, can you et- you have the book in your purse.
Could you get the book for me, please?
Yeah, I picked this up for you.
The Promise of Sleep.
Got one for myself as well.
Oh, thanks.
Matt, can I see?
That's great, Dr. Pandamiglio.
That's exactly the kind of thing we need.
There are some dangerous situations
you can get yourself into.
You ought to see a specialist.
It was very minor.
It wasn't minor.
Well, I put in a call to Dr. Latham.
He conducts these overnight sleep studies.
I appreciate it, Dad, but right now I'm really busy.
With what, folding napkins into triangles?
This just doesn't seem like a dinner conversation to me.
You know, Matthew, you say you're gonna go see the doctor;
You don't.
You say you want to be a comedian;
You're a bartender.
I mean, pick a goddamn plan and stick with it.
He's kidding, but he's not as funny as you.
You're not that funny.
But the good news is,
this business has nothing to do with funny.
Some of these colleges,
I could book a shining, blinking light
or some confetti falling from the ceiling,
and most of these kids wouldn't know the difference, really.
Right.
So, you know, the truth is, Matt, that at your level,
I don't have very much riht now.
But give it a year or two.
Stay in touch.
Yeah, I'll do any show.
You know, I know I'm, like, level zero.
Well, I book a one-nighter in Trenton on Tuesdays.
But it's mostly headliners.
And I have this gig at a college upstate toniht.
I was gonna book someone...
Yeah. I mean, I could do that.
Yeah, I know.
But, you know, it only pays $170.
And that's probably what it would cost you in tolls and gas.
I mean, do you even have a car?
Yeah.
You want it?
Yeah.
All right.
[phone beeping]
Should have told me you had a car.
Hey, Robbie.
Listen, I have this fantastic guy for you.
Matt, uh...
Pandamiglio.
Panda, uh, piglio.
Oh, no.
Hilarious.
[ambling guitar music]
♪♪
[electronic voice] Continue straight.
Release all that tension that's down there
in that lower back that we hold on to so tightly.
[sighs deeply]
Breathe that mountain air into your lungs.
[inhales]
And then release some sound.
[all sighing audibly]
Yeah.
Let's do some gentle lip trills.
[trills lips]
[all trilling]
Hey, listen to this.
That agent we met, Colleen, booked me at a gig for tonight.
It pays 170 bucks.
Yeah?
What is it? Where is it?
It's at this college in Utica.
Oh. Where are you?
I'm on the New York State Thruway.
Who's driving?
Me.
[electronic voice] Continue straight.
Wait, did you call Ron?
For what?
Aren't you supposed to be working dinner tonight?
Oh, I totally forgot.
Okay, all right, I love you.
All right, bye.
[phone rings]
Union Hall.
Hey, Ron, it's Matt.
Pandamiglio, where are you?
I'm, uh-well, listen.
I can't do my dinner shift tonight.
What do you mean?
Well, I got, like, a gig, like, a paid gig.
You have a gig.
It's called bartending.
Yeah, look. I can get someone to fill in.
Let me just make some calls.
You know what? Forget it.
I'll do it myself.
[electronic voice] Turn left on University Boulevard.
Ha, You don't know how to pronounce "boulevard."
This is a pretty campus.
It's nice.
Yeah, we like it.
So we kind of forgot we booked a comedian.
So now we've got you and this lip sync contest.
. Okay...
So I guess you could host the lip sync contest.
You could still do your act or whatever
but just introduce the contestants.
It's a very popular event.
That sounds great.
Great.
You know, this used to be a very popular event.
Last year, there were 19 entries to this contest.
And this year, there are two.
And, you know, we don't have to have this contest
if you don't want to have it.
I'm not doing it for me.
I'm doing it for you.
And now the big comedian, Matt Pandapiglio.
[scattered applause]
. Hey...
That's not really my name.
But...
Y'all ready to lip sync?
[coughs softly]
I can't hear you.
That's my lip sync joke.
Ok3Y...
Well, please welcome our first contestant, Hilary Garnick!
♪ When Isay♪
♪ I want it that way ♪
♪ Well, we ♪
♪ Are two worlds ♪
♪ Apart ♪
♪ Can't reach to ♪
♪ Your heart ♪
♪ When you say ♪
♪ That I want it that way ♪
♪ Tell me why ♪
♪ Ain't nothin' but a... ♪
It's so cool that you're a comedian.
I mean, I can't even imagine that.
You know, your whole job's to tell jokes, right?
How do you even do that?
I don't even know.
Here you go.
♪ I want it that way ♪
♪Aml♪
♪ Your fire? ♪
♪ Your one ♪
♪ Desire? ♪
♪ Yes, I know ♪
♪ It's too late ♪
♪ But I want it that way ♪
♪ Tell me why ♪
♪ Ain't nothin' but a heartache ♪
♪ Tell me why ♪
♪ Ain't nothin' but a mistake ♪
"David and his men were in the Wilderness of Maon
in the plain on the south of Jeshimon."
♪ I want it that way ♪
Pizza Shack.
Hey, do you cut your slices into triangles or squares?
Triangles.
Okay, good.
In the picture, it looked like squares.
[various TV sound effects playing]
♪ No matter the distance ♪
♪ I want you to know ♪
♪ That deep down inside... ♪
So I guess the car made it back to the city?
Yeah. Yeah.
. Okay...
Well, well, have you read any of the book yet?
Thanks. Um, yeah.
Well, I'm reading this interesting section.
It says that to avoid these kinds of situations,
you need to think of sleep as a gradual power-down.
So a few hours before bed, turn off your phone,
turn off the news, the internet,
and don't eat big meals.
Yeah, definitely.
Matthew, I'm gonna get you some aromatherapy, okay?
Oh, damn it, Linda.
Hang up the goddamn phone.
Why are you yelling?
All riht, look, I made you an appointment
with Dr. Latham for a sleep study on June 20th.
Okay, I could have done that myself, Dad.
I can call.
It's okay. I made it.
Did you write it down, the 20th?
Yeah.
I don't think you're writing it.
- I wrote it again. - Good.
You have a good night. Try to get some sleep.
All right. Thanks, Dad.
All right, bye.
Hey, listen to this, from Colleen.
"We had a fall-out at a comedy club tomorrow night
"in Burlington, Vermont.
Pays 50 bucks."
This is amazing.
Cool.
So you'll be home Sunday, then?
Yeah, I think so.
And listen to this. I get to open for Marc Mulheren.
How far is Burlington?
It's, um...
It's on the way.
All right, love you.
[ambling acoustic guitar music]
♪♪
[metallic crunching]
[alarm blaring]
What do you mean by that?
[thunder rumbling]
Um, would it be possible for you
to take me to The comedy Factory in Burlinton?
No.
I can take you to the garage down the road.
All right.
Um, listen.
I'm really late for this gig, so, like,
if there's anything I can do, like...
Well... okay.
Is that how much it costs?
This is fine.
All right.
Ok3Y...
One thing I should tell you is that Colleen had asked me
if I could perform 30 minutes of comedy for this gig.
Now, what I should have said was,
"I only have about 11 minutes of material, tops."
And what I did say was, "Yeah."
So is that Band-Aid part of the act?
No? You're not the head wound comic?
It's not your tag?
You know, "I got a head wound," after every joke?
Is that you?
No, look, I got to be honest with you.
She wants me to do a half hour.
I only have, like, ten minutes of material.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Really? Wow.
You're gonna have to fill out that time somehow, man.
Do some crowd work. Talk to the audience.
Make fun of people.
Whenever I make fun of people, they punch me.
Uhhuh.
Matt, we're bringing you on now.
[exhales]
[retching]
[coughing]
Don't do that onstage.
Thanks.
Unless it's your closer.
I was thinking about Cookie Monster, you know?
And do you think this guy's got an eating disorder, you know?
Nice shirt, loser.
Sorry.
No, I like it.
It's nice.
Sorry.
Anyway, I was watching a lot of TV this week.
[indistinct conversation]
Is that bit you do about teenagers really real?
[chuckles]
Yeah.
[laughs]
Hey, you did okay, man.
Yeah?
Well, I-you know.
"Okay" is kind of a strong word but...
You tanked.
I thought it was funny, but I'm a comic.
I'm sick, so...
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Right.
You just got to keep telling yourself you're killing,
and it will all fall into place.
You'll figure it out.
Thanks.
You married or...
Um, no.
L-well, kind of.
I-I don't know.
I have a girlfriend but- it's serious, you know.
It's just...
You know, it's-we've been together for a long time...
- You all right, man? - Yeah, yeah.
It's just, you know- I'm just-I've decided
I'm not gonna get married until I'm sure
that nothing else good can happen in my life.
[chuckles]
You should say that onstage.
Yeah.
That wouldn't go over so well at home.
We're not at home.
Are you married?
Kind of.
[door opens]
[door closes]
Hey, Colleen.
Hey, listen, we got great feedback on you last night.
Yeah?
Well, no, not really.
But Marc recommended you for a I
in Philadelphia on the 20th.
Oh, yeah? He liked my act?
Well, no. No.
But he thought it would be...
He thought you'd be great
taking the bullet for other comedians.
That's great.
The 20th, yeah.
That's great.
Well, cool.
Listen, I'll email you the details, okay?
I was-l was at the zoo, and I...
One of- I was at The National Zoo,
and they have the panda bear there,
you know, Ling-Ling, I think, is from China.
And the...
You know, they're having a hard time
getting the pandas to mate, you know, the...
trying to get them to mate with each other.
Next.
[people chuckling]
. Okay...
[microphone feedback hums]
I've been having some issues in my relationship
with my girlfriend lately, where, like...
I think she wants to get married, you know?
And I've decided I shouldn't get married until I'm sure
that nothing else good can happen in my life.
[laughter]
And, you know, my girlfriend and I worry
about different things.
You know, one day I said, "What do you fear most?"
And she said, "I fear you'll meet someone else"
and you'll leave me and I'll be all alone."
And she said, "What do you fear most?"
And I said, "Bears."
[laughter]
Thanks, man.
Yeah. Nice work tonight.
Thanks.
$23? Is that...
I don't want to be a dick, but I thought it was $50.
That was if we sold out.
31 paid, 25 comps.
That's $360 with a 50-50 house split.
I've got to pay the headliner $150.
You get the rest.
That's still, like, 30 bucks.
7 bucks for the chicken fingers.
I'm not paying for those fucking chicken fingers.
You should be ashamed to charge people for those.
All right.
- Thanks. - Yeah.
How'd it go?
It was great.
Like, I met all these other comics.
I tried out all this new material.
You would have been really proud.
Hey, I can't really hear you.
What was the new material?
It was just, like...
it was, like, a lot of stuff.
I'll tell you about it later, but where are you?
Oh, we're-no, we're all at this bar that Hannah found.
We're playing Drunkerdash.
What's that?
It'syou know, it's just Balderdash but drunk.
I came up with a really good definition for codswallop.
What?
Codswallop!
- What? - See if you can get it.
Here.
A, a rock formation found only in Iceland,
or, B, a sticky situation.
I knew it.
I knew that.
You didn't know.
Yes, I did.
You should have said it, then.
I was ordering fries.
Are you talking to me?
No. That's just Dave.
You got to meet him.
If you go outside and I'll go outside,
then maybe we can hear each other better.
Oh, babe, I- I really can't hear you.
. Okay...
I'll talk to you later.
Hey, I'll have another one, you guys.
The thing is, he definitely does not have a parking...
[laughter]
I actually had a crazy gig once where these two orthodox Jews
had asked me if I would perform at, like, their art gallery.
Yeah.
They told me there were gonna be hundreds of people there.
And then I go, and it's just...
- Is it okay? - Yeah, yeah, go for it.
It's just their apartment, and it's just them.
Yeah. So it wasn't, like, a show.
- No. - It was like a conversation.
It was more like a quiet conversation.
I did this one show.
It was in the parking lot of a Home Depot.
The only people we're performing for
are, like, the migrant workers who are just hanging out there.
I'm going up last,
and I'm watching every other comic just eat it, just tank.
But I'm thinking, like,
I want to get some response from these people.
Like, I should close strong.
[laughter]
What Spanish do I know?
And I'm like, "I know."
I'll say, 'Long live the immigrant.”
And I'm like, "All right, everybody, this has been fun."
Viva La Migra,"
which is, "Long live the immigration police."
[all groaning]
Yeah, so I'm just gonna crash with these guys tonight.
And I will be-yeah, I'll be home in the morning.
All right.
All right, I love you.
Bye.
Hey, man, how you feeling?
Oh, I'm good. I'm ood.
I'm just-I'm stuffed.
You know, that pizza and...
Oh, yeah, me too.
It's good, though. I love it.
- Yeah. - Helps me sleep.
Yeah.
You know how they have those neck pillows
that they have on the plane that people wear?
I think it'd be great if you had one of those,
but it's made out of pizza, and so you just sit there
and gnaw on the pizza and then fall asleep with that.
Yeah, that's a really good idea.
Yeah, I'm gonna try to do something with it.
No, hey, by the way, I think Lynn is diggin' you, man.
Oh, Lynn?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
I think you could make out with her if you wanted to.
Yeah, no, I have a girlfriend.
- Oh, you really do? - Yeah.
Oh.
So all those jokes are true or...
- Yeah. Yeah. - Oh, wow.
Has she heard the jokes?
No.
No, you should probably mention it.
I wrote a letter to my dad.
I was gonna write, "I really enjoy being here, "
but I accidentally wrote "rarely" instead of "really. ".
And I wanted to use it.
I didn't want to cross it out.
"So I wrote, " I rarely drive steamboats, Dad.
"There's a lot of shit you don't know about me...
Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator. "
[whispering] Why'd you take off your glasses?
Just 'cause if we're really onna do this,
I don't want to be able to see you.
. Okay...
I don't know if this is such a good idea.
I have a girlfriend.
[sighs]
Matt...
This just is what it is, you know?
We're here.
Are you really gonna deny yourself the experience
of just being in the present?
I guess so.
This will make you more comfortable.
What is that?
It's a pizza pillow.
It's very good.
Yeah, you like it?
Yeah. I like the sauce.
Oh, yeah? Do you want more...
The sauce is very good, yeah.
Yeah, it is good sauce.
Do you want more sauce?
Yeah, more sauce.
. Okay...
I'll go get you more sauce.
. Okay- . Okay...
Whoa!
[grunting]
Hey, I love the sauce.
It is very good sauce.
Do you like the sauce?
It's too hot!
The sauce is too hot!
It's too hot!
Ah, the-l like the sauce, but it's too hot!
Hey, what are you doing, man?
Are you taking a shower?
Yeah.
Sorry about that.
Just had a weird dream.
Yeah, well, you know, you're not supposed
to actually act them out like that.
They're like movies, you know?
You just sort of watch 'em.
Matt, I got a run of dates for you.
It's gonna hurt, but you'll make
about 900 bucks for six days of shows.
Oh, that sounds perfect.
Well, it's Hartford, Canton, Lancaster...
And I think that she wants to get married.
And I just decided I shouldn't get married until I'm sure
that nothing else good can happen in my life.
You know, I mean, I just have this fear
that marriage might be like school.
You know how when you're real little and you think,
"Maybe some day I'll get to go to school."
[people chuckling]
And then you go to school,
and that first week, you're just like,
"How much longer do I have to go to school?"
And they're like, "17 more years."
And you're like, "Oh, no."
[laughter]
Colleen booked me.
It's good, right?
I mean, is that- is that cool?
Yeah. Yeah.
That's gonna be great for you.
Great.
Yeah, it's good, right?
Do you want to come?
To Lancaster?
I'm good.
My parents have been together 40 years, which is...
Yeah, no, but it's too long.
I think if the people who invented marriage
knew that people were gonna be married 40 years,
they'd be like, "Well, this isn't what we intended at all."
You know, back then, people only lived to be 40,
if they were lucky.
They'd be so confused.
They'd be like, "When were they married, as babies?"
I don't approve of babies marrying one another."
Like, you ever think about that?
Hello?
Hi, Matt, it's Dawn from Dr. Latham's office.
You missed your sleep study.
[sihs] Oh, right. Sorry.
Okay, listen, can I call you back in, like, two minutes?
Sure.
You ever think about that, that maybe in the future,
marriage will be the new divorce?
People will be like, "Yeah, I'm pretty messed up.
My parents are still together."
And people will be like, "Wow, sounds really hard.
Is it a first marriage?"
And they'll be like, "Yeah."
I always have this fear in relationships
that I'm gonna love someone and then eventually hate them.
[laughter]
Before I tell you this part of the story,
I want to remind you that you're on my side.
Thank you guys very much.
I really appreciate it.
Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
I'm on the road for about six weeks,
and one night, I'm backstage at a comedy club in Ohio.
Hey, I'm closing out my tabs for the night.
You want another drink?
Or another appetizer or entree?
Am I eating that much?
That's embarrassing.
Are you kidding?
You haven't even tried our popcorn yet.
I'm saving room for the popcorn.
I heard it's imported from a carnival.
[chuckles]
Who you writing to?
Oh, this is to my girlfriend.
You have a girlfriend.
Yeah, yeah, we've been together since...
That's cool.
So tell me if you think this is crazy.
My other job is at Hooters, which is really crazy
because one of my boobs is bigger than the other boob.
Isn't that crazy?
Yeah.
Do you want to see them?
Your boobs?
Yeah.
Cool.
Oh, I mean, not...
You know, I didn't think you were...
I thought you were kidding.
I didn't know you were actually gonna...
you know, I didn't know
you were gonna actually do it right now.
You know, there's just...
There's people here.
I don't think that's a good...
Oh, no. Pretty much everyone's gone.
Oh, well...
Mm.
I don't want to-l have- sorry, I have-l...
What are you doing?
Sorry. L_.
Sometimes I have this trouble breathing.
I have a girlfriend, and I probably shouldn't be here and...
Yeah, no, I know the drill.
I did not know the drill.
But I knew I shouldn't be there, and so I left the situation.
And a few hours later, after several drinks...
I reentered the situation.
And the next day, I drove to my sister Janet's wedding.
So how was your trip?
It was good.
Yeah? Did anything happen?
What do you mean?
I don't know.
You're just acting kind of weird.
I think you're acting weird.
Really? How?
By asking me how my trip was.
And I felt guilt and shame.
But I also felt like this kind of thing might happen again.
And I knew I shouldn't be getting married.
And you may kiss.
[cheers and applause]
Your mother and I did this 40 years ago.
At a certain point, you got to zig or zag.
[sighs]
All right.
Mom, Mom, a little closer, please.
Straighten up. Stop fussing.
“'0' Say "happy."
all: HapPY...
All right, just the bride's family.
Let's get the bride's family only.
All right, uncle up a step.
Up two steps.
- Two steps. - Aunt, down.
Matt, don't you want Abby in the picture?
Um...
Of course he does.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Of course. Yeah, yeah.
Come on. Come on over.
This is your spot, right here.
. Okay...
Happy...
all: HapPY...
I can park.
No, that's okay.
I'm gonna meet up with Hannah anyway.
Now?
Yeah.
You want me to come?
No, I'm good.
[car door slams]
Hi, this is Abby.
And you are?
[phone beeps]
Hey, it's me.
I was just calling to see what's up,
like, where you are and everything.
[siren blaring]
This is Abby.
And you are?
. Hey...
Hey.
And you are?
Me again, calling.
Just...
[indistinct conversation]
At 4:00 a.m., Abby walked in,
and she was crying, and she was drunk.
And I said, "Abby, where were you?"
And she said, "If we're not gonna get married",
I got to figure something else out."
What are you- Stop it.
Give me my bag, Matt. What is the difference?
- You are not doing this. - Why don't you let go?
[exhales] I've just been so...
I love you, you know?
I just think that we...
I'm not...
We should just get married.
No.
Yeah, I'll get a ring, and we'll get...
rent that cabana down by my parents' beach house.
No.
I really think that this is what we should do.
No.
We have to.
I mean, I can't imagine life without you.
[sighing]
I think that we should just do it.
I think we should just...
Finally she said, "When?"
Now, what I should have said was,
"Can we talk about this next summer?"
What I did say was...
Next summer.
And that's how I got engaged.
I know.
I'm in the future also.
[laughter]
♪ Well, we ♪
♪ Ain't got a barrel of money ♪
♪ Maybe we're ragged and funny ♪
♪ But we'll travel along, singing our song ♪
♪ Side by side ♪
♪ Don't know what's coming tomorrow ♪
♪ Maybe there's trouble and sorrow ♪
♪ But we'll travel the road, sharing our load ♪
♪ Side by side ♪
♪ Through all kinds of weather ♪
♪ But if the sky should fall ♪
♪ As long as we're together ♪
♪ Doesn't matter at all ♪
♪ When they've all had their quarrels and parted ♪
Yeah!
♪ We'll be the same as we started ♪
♪ While travelin' along, singin' our song ♪
♪ Side by side ♪
[cheers and applause]
Matt, come back to bed.
We're gonna do the drill.
No, thank you.
I can't come in there any more.
Matt, come back to bed.
No, I said, "No, thank you."
Matt, you got to call the doctor today.
I will. I will.
I'm sorry.
I-I promise.
What are you doing?
I'm writing it on your hand.
The Promise of Sleep by Dr. William C. Dement.
During their entire lifetime, people...
My dad got me a book called The Promise of Sleep.
His four basic tips for helping you sleep,
they all have to do with powering down
a few hours before bed, turning off the news
and the internet and the phone, and don't eat big meals,
which just so happen
to be my four favourite activities before bed.
I'm completely addicted to cable news.
I think it's 'cause they hook you in
with the laser sound effects
and questions you couldn't possibly know the answers to.
They'll be like, "Puh-choo!"
Do you know what's in your soup?"
And I'm like, "Oh, my God."
"I guess I don't know what's in my soup.
"I got to stick around.
"I thought maybe broth, but I wasn't 100%.
"What is this, a commercial for Toyota?
"All right, I'll watch this,
just as long as you tell me what's in my soup."
And then they'll be like, "Puh-choo, it's broth."
I'm like, "I knew it."
I knew it was broth, but I wasn't 100%."
And I've been sleepwalking.
I walk in my sleep and...
Sleepwalking is a terrifying phenomenon
when you think about it
'cause it's your body making a decision
that's distinctly different than your conscious mind.
Your conscious mind is like,
"We're gonna rest for a few hours."
And your body's like, "We're going skiing!"
[laughter]
I should see a doctor, really,
'cause it's gotten pretty serious,
but I don't really want to see a doctor, you know,
because sleep disorders, they involve your brain.
And the list of fun brain diseases is very short,
you know, if you're ever surfing WebMD.
I got booked at nine colleges in seven days.
I was performing across Ohio, in Pennsylvania, in Delaware,
Washington, D.C., North Carolina.
There are 78 known sleep disorders,
things that range from sleep apnea
to night terrors to narcolepsy.
Narcolepsy is terrifying
'cause there are people who fall asleep
at any time for any reason.
There are female narcoleptics who fall asleep
the moment they reach orgasm.
I was thinking you could call these women "men."
[cheers and applause]
And while I went on the road,
Abby started preparing for our wedding
for months and months,
working on very specific things:
Locations, dresses, caterers.
I knew this wasn't gonna happen, but I couldn't say it.
Where is he?
He's in Philadelphia.
Playing a club called The Joke Barn.
You're kidding me. The Joke Barn?
I don't really know what to think any more.
They're having you perform in the center
of a walkathon for lupus.
Seven shows in a week.
I really appreciate it, colleen,
but right now I'm just...
you know, I don't think I should be driving that far.
I mean, that's, like, 1,000 miles in, like, five days.
Well, I got a lot of guys, Matt.
I'd be glad to take you off the speed dial.
No, no, I can do it.
I can do it.
I just-yeah, no, it's fine.
It's fine.
. Okay...
Thanks, Colleen.
Thanks.
[sighs]
Police have a suspect in custody,
but they're not releasing any information
until they complete their investigation.
[gun clicks]
I hear you're good at taking the bullet for other comedians.
[dramatic music]
.I ".I" .
Hey.
You okay?
Are you okay?
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Here we have some of the heavier cardstock options.
It's beautiful.
Beautiful.
And when are you sending these out?
Right.
Well, the invitation would go out June 15th.
June 15th.
And then the wedding will be August 22nd.
I guess.
You guess?
If you're gonna get married, dean
you have to be running down the aisle.
[grunts]
Yeah, no, I know.
It'sit's a lot of decisions.
- I understand. - It's fine.
Here.
This is one of my favorites.
You'll notice how...
The Promise of Sleep, by me, Dr. William C. Dement.
What are you doing in my car?
I'm not really here.
You're just exhausted.
Is your name actually Dr. Dement?
Surely is.
I feel like if I were a sleep physician,
I'd want to go with a more soothing name
like Dr. Happysleep.
Dr. Chamomile Tea.
Can we please begin?
Yeah. Sorry.
Sorry.
Chapter Four, The Promise of Sleep.
We sleep more than 200,000 hours during a lifetime.
That's the equivalent of 8,000 days.
In spite of all the research, we know very little...
Okay. Go ahead. Well, is there like a...
Is there a chapter on sleep disorders?
Let me skip ahead.
Chapter Nine, Sleep Disorders.
There's sleep walking, sleep talking,
eating while you're asleep.
But one of the most serious of the many sleep disorders
is REM Behavior Disorder.
People who have REM Behavior Disorder
actually act out the dream they are having.
In REM Behavior Disorder,
people are often running away
from some kind of demon or wild animal.
In rare instances, people with this sleep disorder
have actually gone so far
as to kill the person they're sleeping with
while they're asleep.
Wait. What?
In rare instances, people with this sleep disorder
have actually gone so far
as to kill the person they're sleeping with...
[horns honking]
While remaining asleep.
Almost nothing is known about it
and almost nothing can be done.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Matthew.
Oh, where are you?
I'ml'm in Maryland.
I'm staying at La Quinta Inn.
No, you mean La "Keen-tah."
No, I think it's La Quinta.
Welcome to La Keen-tah Inn.
Thanks.
[laughs] Told you.
Oh, is Abby with you at La Quinta Inn?
No, she's at home.
I have to tell you,
she sent us a photo of the dress.
Have you seen it?
No. No, I-sorry.
Oh, you're fine.
Great pool here, huh?
I just checked in.
I don't really know.
It's open, like, 2417.
Sorry. Right.
Waffle bar's awesome too.
I'm not gonna tell you about this.
Okay, Mom.
- Right? - Right.
Right, I mean-but I could tell you, but I shouldn't.
No, I know.
On the other hand, I just don't think
it would be so bad if I just described...
I mean, a little description won't really ruin the effect.
Okay, well, let me tell you about the dress.
It's off-white and very bosomy, which I know that you like.
Linda, are you telling him about the wedding dress?
I'mno, just giving him a little bit-little...
Oh, God damn it.
You're not supposed to let the groom
know about the dress.
Well, I don't think a little tease will hurt, really.
Give me the phone. Give me the...
Why did you have to bring that up to him?
Because I thought he would enjoy it.
Hey, look, hey, Matthew, where the hell are you, anyway?
Are you all right? Things are fine.
Yeah, well, I just got an E-ZPass bill for $563.
Are you using my goddamn car to cruise around the country?
No, I'm not cruising, Dad.
What are you talking about?
Oh, I don't think that car can take it.
I think you either got to settle down or get a new car.
II got to go.
Matthew, one more thing.
I'm gonna email the photo to you.
- No, I got to go, Mom. - I sent it.
Oh, God damn it!
[sighs]
[intense instrumental music]
[police siren wailing distantly]
Isolate the coordinates.
Yes, sir.
Bearing mark 2-1 -1 -3,
latitude 46 degrees north and longitude 118 west.
What's going on?
We're currently tracking a guided missile
that's headed straight for this room.
Just tell me this.
What's the plan?
Well, Matt, it looks like you don't have one.
I think you need a little goddamn reality testing.
There's one more thing.
The missile coordinates are set specifically on you.
[alarm beeping]
What's gonna happen to these people?
It doesn't look good, Matt.
[mumbling indistinctly]
[alarm beeping]
Warning.
12, 11...
Okay!
10, 9, 8...
Ah!
[glass shattering]
Ah!
[yelling]
[dog barking]
[phones ringing]
I just saw a guyjump out the window screaming.
I mean, is anybody gonna do anything?
My God!
Hello.
I'm staying at the hotel.
I had an incident wherein ljumped out my window,
and I'm bleeding,
and I need to go to the hospital.
All right.
_ [grunting]
What's painful about jumping out a second-story window
isn't actually the jumping part.
[grunting]
It's when they start to pick the glass out of your legs.
[grunting]
This glass was right near your femoral artery.
If you'd have hit that, you'd have bled to death.
You should be dead.
No, you should.
I zinged him...
Because I'm a comedian.
[sighs]
I don't think that we should be getting married.
L-and I...
I knew I wasn't ready, and I should've said it but...
I just think I should be on my own.
You're right.
We shouldn't be getting married.
How long have you felt like that?
[sighs]
When I was getting ready to make this film,
I was obsessing over my relationship with Abby
and what went wrong
and why she stayed with me, you know, all these years.
And so I went to visit her.
She lives upstate with her husband and two kids.
And, you know, I called in advance.
You know, I didn't just show up and say, like,
"I'm your ex-boyfriend, and I want answers."
You know?
I know that that's probably not the best thing to do.
And so I-you know, we're friends,
and so I went and visited her and...
and we're having tea,
and, like, her kids are running around,
and I said to her- I was like,
"Why did you stay with me all those years
when you knew that we were doomed?"
And she said...
"I didn't want to hurt you."
Can you believe that?
We almost spent the entire rest of our lives together
because we didn't want to make the other person mad.
I'm gonna tell you a story tonight, and it's true.
And I always have to tell people that because inevitably...
And I would say, "Abby!"
There's a jackal in the room!"
We went to my sister Janet's wedding.
Now, if you're ever in a relationship
that seems to be moving towards marriage
and you're not ready for it to go in that direction,
don't go to my sister Janet's wedding.
As my anxiety about my relationship got worse,
my sleepwalking got worse.
The window was closed,
so I jumped through a window like The Hulk.
I did what I should have done in the first place
when I saw the jackal,
when I was in the DustBuster Olympics.
I went to a doctor who specializes in sleep disorders.
I was diagnosed with REM Behavior Disorder.
And so now when I go to bed at night,
I turn off the news,
the phone, and the internet.
I take medication,
and I sleep in a sleeping bag up to my neck.
And I wear mittens...
So I can't open the sleeping bag.
Please welcome to the stage, Matt Pandamiglio.
[cheers and applause]
A lot of times, people will come up to me,
and they ask me, you know, like, "Are you cured?"
And I say, "No."
But I think that's okay.
[mellow rock music]
♪♪
♪ I've been waiting for a sign ♪
♪ I've been waiting for a sin ♪
♪ To tell me where ♪
♪ Tell me where ♪
♪ I belong ♪
♪ And you've been waiting for the niht ♪
♪ You've been waiting for the night ♪
♪ To take you far ♪
♪ Take you far away from me ♪
♪ Now, now, now, now, now, now, now ♪
♪ Who, who, who, who ♪
♪ Now, now, now, now, now, now, now ♪
♪ Who, who, who, who ♪
♪♪
♪ I've been waiting for a sin ♪
♪ To tell me where ♪
♪ Tell me where ♪
♪ Where I belong ♪
.I" And you've been waiting for the night ♪
♪ You've been waiting for the night ♪
♪ To take you far ♪
♪ Take you far away from here ♪
♪ Now, now, now, now, now, now, now ♪
♪ Who, who, who, who ♪
♪ Now, now, now, now, now, now, now ♪
♪ Who, who, who, who ♪
♪ And as I'm waiting on your doorstep now ♪
♪ I notice patterns in the paint ♪
♪ I'm wondering how the glass will hit ♪
♪ When I ♪
♪ As I turn and go in shame ♪
♪ Now, now, now, now, now, now, now ♪
[ambling instrumental music]
♪♪
♪ There's a spot on your body ♪
♪ And it caused all the boys ♪
♪ Follow your eyes and get lost ♪
♪♪
♪ You'll swear to your family ♪
♪ Family and friends ♪
♪ Why, it was just yesterday ♪
♪ Just swear to your family ♪
♪ Family and friends ♪
♪ Why, it was just yesterday ♪
♪♪
♪ If every man's a photographer ♪
♪ Then smile and hold up your head ♪
♪ Give him one of your long batty looks ♪
♪ Before he climb on into your bed ♪
♪♪
♪ And you'll swear to your family ♪
♪ Family and friends ♪
♪ Why, it was just yesterday ♪
♪ Just swear to your family ♪
♪ Family and friends ♪
♪ Why, it was just yesterday ♪
♪♪
♪Mmm♪
♪ Mmm, mm-mm, mmm ♪
♪♪