Dear Dr. Jones,
I act on behalf of a client with access to very substantial funds
who has indicated a desire to sponsor a project to introduce salmon
and the sport of salmon fishing into the Yemen.
I would like to seek a meeting with you to identify
how this challenging project might be initiated and resourced.
I might add that the Foreign and Commonwealth Office
supports the project as a symbol of Anglo-Yemeni cooperation.
Yours sincerely, Harriet Chetwode-Talbot, Ms.
Fitzharris & Price Investment Consultants.
Night. Have a good evening.
You, too. Say hi to soldier boy.
We're just friends, you know. We've only met a couple of times.
- Yeah, you tell me that on Monday. - Shut up.
- Hello. - Hi. It's great to see you.
- Yes. Me, too. Sorry. - Yes?
- Yes. - You, too.
- No, "Yes" is a start, that's fine. - Stop it, I'm so nervous.
Why are you nervous?
I don't know. I'm trying to be very sophisticated and grown-up.
Right. No, grown-up, absolutely. Quite right, yeah.
- Harriet. - Yes?
Last one to the restaurant pays.
What?
You bastard.
Dear Harriet Chetwode-Talbot,
thank you for your e-mail.
As a fisheries specialist, permit me a word or two about salmon.
Migratory salmonoids require cool, well-oxygenated water in which to spawn.
In addition, in the early stages of the salmon's life cycle,
a good supply of fly life indigenous to the northern European rivers
is necessary for the juvenile salmon, or parr, to survive.
Some considerable distance from the Indian Ocean,
or indeed the Red Sea, as I am sure you are aware,
though apparently not the Foreign and Commonwealth Office.
We conclude that conditions in the Yemen make this project unfeasible.
Fundamentally unfeasible.
Yes, yes. Fundamentally unfeasible.
We therefore regret
that we are unable to help you any further in this matter.
Yours, Alfred Jones, Doctor.
I've put duck liver pate in your sandwich.
That's lovely.
Righto. I'm off to bed.
Already?
- Airport car's coming at 5:00. - Righto.
I'll maybe have another wee pass at the caddis fly paper.
You could read it on the airplane.
Up to my ear in reports, darling. I'll read it when I'm back.
Right, then. Good night.
Oh, my God, I don't do this. I don't do this.
No, I can tell.
I haven't done this in a really long time.
- Okay. - I'm so shy.
- Okay. No, I'll sleep on the sofa. - No, I'm so shy.
Look, Harriet, I mean it. I...
Shut up.
You were saying. You're shy.
I am shy and quiet.
Like Hitler. I'm serious.
Robert, I...
Don't do this and then forget me.
I just don't wanna be an army barracks joke in the morning.
Please be nice to me.
Harriet, I'm serious, too. I mean it.
So if you want me to sleep on the sofa, then I'll...
If you say, Captain Mayers, one more time you'll sleep on the sofa,
you'll bloody well sleep on the sofa.
Captain Robert Mayers, 3-6-4-7-7-2.
Maxwell. Better be good.
Mrs. Maxwell, we have a situation.
- What? - Code Red in Afghanistan.
Go to sleep.
Tell me that's not a mosque.
Well, it is a religious establishment...
- Of course it's a bloody mosque! - Well, of course...
- What's up? - Go to sleep.
- ...make this a joint operation. - No, no,no, no,no, no,no.
The British have absolutely nothing to do with this whatsoever.
And I want every single man, woman, child and goat in Afghanistan to know that.
My God, I didn't think we could make the war in Afghanistan any less popular,
but, hey, even I can be wrong.
We'll have Vera Lynn strapping on her suicide belt in sympathy next.
Bravo, the bloody Marines.
Right, you lot.
We need a good news story from the Middle East, a big one.
And we need it now. You've got an hour, get on with it.
Good news, eh?
New girl band, Middle East tour.
Maybe. Maybe.
Touch my body No, no...
Okay-
Maybe not. No.
British trans-Arabian rally.
For God's sake.
Come on, come on. Come up with something. What's this?
A project to introduce salmon fishing to the Yemen.
Salmon fishing. Salmon fishing in the Yemen.
Is that the best you puffed-up Oxbridge-educated moronic buffoons
can come up with?
Yes? Yes, Prime Minister.
Well, no, I'm working on it right now.
I think I may have come up with something that you'll like.
Salmon fishing. Salmon fishing.
Are you dollies trying to get me fired?
Well, here we go.
Fish it is
- Morning. - Good morning.
- Morning. - Morning.
- Hello.
Mrs. Maxwell on line one, sir.
Busy.
She says it's urgent, sir.
Maxwell who?
The press officer to the Prime Minister, sir.
Patricia.
They haven't pensioned you off yet, then?
Listen, I got the heads-up from the FCO about this
salmon fishing in the Yemen. Fancy it?
- Well, I... - We do.
Chasing a good news story out of the Middle East.
Anglo-Yemeni relations back on track.
Arab-Western cultural détente through the ancient sport
of yanking poor sodding fish out of rivers. What do you reckon?
Well, it's a bit of a long shot, to be honest.
Well, don't be honest.
Lunatic's an oil sheikh. Got money pouring out of his arse.
Good friend of the West.
Good friend of the Party, too, so give it a go, eh, dolly?
Well, we'll certainly bend every sinew to the job, Patricia.
I'll set up a working party immediately.
- What? - Hey!
Don't you "working party" me, you short-arsed little pen-pusher.
I did not say kick it into the long grass. I said do it!
Yes, Patricia. Right...
...away.
Mr. Jones?
Morning, Mr. Jones.
Good morning, Betty. I trust you had a nice weekend.
Yes, thank you, Mr. Jones. Mr. Sugden would like a word.
Would he indeed? What do you think of that?
It's for the caddis fly report.
Need something racy for the cover.
Something to rev up the YouTube generation.
I know it's not quite what we would expect from a scientific paper,
but we must keep up with the times, Mrs. Burnside.
Mr. Sugden asked to see you, Mr. Jones.
I'm not too sure that I don't have a picture
of a caddis being eaten alive by a spider somewhere.
There it is. That's a beauty.
What do you think about that for...
Good God.
Little too much, do you think?
No, not if you're making a horror film.
Look, this e-mail about the salmon thing.
Yes. Did I miss April Fools' Day or something?
Did you like my little swipe at the Foreign and Commonwealth Office wonks?
Yeah, well, I just had another e-mail from the FCO today.
Rattle their cage, did I?
Look, you wouldn't take a meeting with her, would you?
This Chetwode-Talbot woman.
She represents this Sheikh Muhammed bloke.
Why would I want to do that?
Why would I want to traipse across London to discuss that nonsense?
I've very important work to do here, as you can very well see.
Yeah, well, the FCO, in their infinite W,
feel that a meeting on this is important business, too, Alfred.
Lord, the tendrils of this busybody government.
Dr. Jones, as your Operational Line Manager,
I am asking you with extreme prejudice
to take a meeting with Harriet Chetwode-Talbot.
I take it that's an order?
Take it how you wish.
Nazi.
Wanker. Morning.
Dr. Jones?
Miss Chetwode-Talbot is expecting me.
Yes, it's a bit of a mouthful. Do call me Harriet.
- Nice to meet you. - You, too. Do you want to come with me?
Yes.
Do come in.
Please, sit down.
Yeah, anywhere you like. Would you like tea or coffee?
No, thank you.
So...
Fitzharris & Price represent the sheikh's assets in this country,
including a number of estates in Scotland.
He's a very keen fisherman, so he asked us if we would...
- Water. - Sorry?
Water, Miss Chetwode-Talbot. H2O.
Do you want sparkling or still?
Not for me, for the fish.
Fish require water. You are familiar with that concept?
Yes. I am, yes.
So, to save us both a lot of time, let me keep this brief and simple.
Here it's very cold. It rains a lot.
Here it's very hot. It doesn't rain a lot. Do you see the difference?
Well, you're pointing to Saudi Arabia, Dr. Jones, not the Yemen.
You seem to be deliberately missing the point.
With respect, not really.
You see, unlike Saudi Arabia, parts of the Yemen
get up to 250 millimeters of rainfall a month in the wet season.
It gets the edge of the monsoon, you see.
And the dry season?
Well, interestingly,
recent oil explorations
have uncovered a number of very large freshwater aquifers,
which could sort of recharge the wadi in the dry season using a dam.
I'm sure they could.
So, when he's built his dam, why don't you get back to me then?
Completed, couple of years ago.
Long-term plan is to irrigate thousands of acres of desert.
We could grow watermelons, maize, cotton.
Now you're going to tell me it isn't hot in the Yemen, too, aren't you?
Well, in the mountainous areas,
the nighttime temperatures get down to well below 20 Celsius.
And, of course, I defer to your expert knowledge, Dr. Jones,
but I do believe that Pacific salmon get as far south as California.
Temperatures are not too dissimilar there.
- Water. - For the fish.
- No, for me. - Of course.
Ms. Chetwode-Talbot.
Yes, Dr. Jones?
This is plainly ridiculous.
There's just no way that salmon can survive in those sort of environments.
If your sheikh wants to pour his money down the drain,
why doesn't he buy himself a football club or something?
Look, Dr. Jones.
I don't really think it's my place to explain the sheikh's motivations.
But I will say this,
that of all of our wealthy clients, he is different.
I would go so far as to describe him as a visionary man.
- A visionary? - Yes, I know,
it's not a very fashionable word,
but if you decide to take this project with us,
then you can judge for yourself when you meet him.
My line manager asked me to come here and take this meeting to discuss your project
and that I have done.
I thank you for your time, Ms. Chetwode-Talbot.
I'll see myself out. Goodbye.
Thank you.
Did you get my e-mail?
Yes. What did it say?
Took the meeting. Waste of time, as predicted.
Now, if you don't mind, I'll get back to my work.
Dr. Jones.
What is this?
P45.
I'm sorry, I don't... I don't understand.
Well, a P45 is the official document given to an employee
when his services are no longer required by his, or her, employer.
Yes, but, Bernard, this has got my...
Or you can sign this letter
stating that you are delighted to assign yourself, exclusively,
to the Yemeni salmon fishing project with immediate effect.
It's up to you.
But, Bernard,
you know as well as I do this thing is a bloody joke.
There's no way you can get salmon that far up a...
Just there.
This is blackmail, Sugden. This is a bloody outrage.
Fitzharris & Price will be paying your salary while on secondment.
Almost double what it is now. I'd say that's a bloody outrage.
Double? Can I have time to think about this?
Nope.
- Can I borrow your pen? - No.
It's my special one with the italic nib.
Hey.
Hold it, hold it. Hold it.
Brian, what... What have you got in bar seven?
I should have resigned.
You can't afford to resign.
Matter of principle.
I have a standing in the scientific community, Mary.
A reputation.
You have a mortgage.
Two, three, four.
Maybe I should resign.
We could have a baby.
Why not? You could stay on at work and I could bring up the nipper.
I could take him to the park and to school. I could take him fishing.
What do you think?
They're really losing the plot in Geneva.
One minute they're buying Euros,
the next minute they can't ditch them fast enough for dollars.
They're panicking, and guess who they want to bail them out.
I can't imagine.
Say a command.
- Shut up. - Say a command.
What were you shouting about back there?
Nothing.
Say a command.
Mar)'-
Oh, Lord.
Well, that should do you for a while.
Thank you, Mary.
Good night.
Night, dear.
Oh, Jesus.
Good morning.
Yes, Staff.
I've gotta go.
Now?
Yeah. That was the call.
Sorry.
Is it Afghanistan?
It's somewhere sandy, that's for sure.
- I'll go get some tea. - No, look...
- No, it's all right, Robert. It's... - No, no, come here.
Look, the last few weeks...
This is good.
Wonderful.
I'm not gonna lie to you. I don't know how long I'm gonna be.
Will you wait for me?
Now go get that tea.
You bastard.
Well, firstly, we would need to trap 10,000 salmon
from the North Sea, for the sake of argument,
get them to the Yemen alive, don't ask me how,
where they would be deposited
in temperature and oxygen-controlled holding tanks built into a wadi
that would, hallelujah, open during the rainy season,
allowing the salmon to migrate upstream for, say, 10 kilometers,
which would allow your sheikh
to hoick them out of the water to his heart's content.
Of course, until the dry season,
when they will all
die.
Well, unless we feed the wadi all year round using the dam.
Of course. Stupid idiot man.
Why not use precious water resources to support one man's sport fishing?
So, now that we have year-round water,
why not build some gravel spawning grounds,
breed the world's first Arabian salmon,
and teach the clever fellows to migrate to the Indian Ocean...
Wonderful, wonderful idea.
...singing, "Step we gaily, here we go. Heel for heel and toe for toe."
Rough cost?
Cost?
Cost.
Forty million. No, 45...
- Fifty million. - Dollars?
- Dollars. - Dollars.
Or pounds.
Pounds.
At least.
So it's theoretically possible?
Well, it's theoretically possible in the same way
as a manned mission to Mars is theoretically possible.
It's very impressive, Dr. Jones.
No, it's not. It's nonsense. Look, I just made it all up.
No, the drawing.
Real talent, if I might say so.
Excellent start.
So I suppose we should just crack on and get things started now?
You can't hold me to this. I mean, these are just random ideas.
I mean, this is a sort of joke.
Well, I'm sure you wouldn't joke about a 50-million-pound project, Dr. Jones.
Not when you're in charge of it.
Well, the sheikh is so looking forward to meeting you,
and he'll be back in the next couple of weeks.
So, in the meantime, is there anything else that I can do for you?
Well, as a matter of fact, there is.
Could you arrange a meeting
with the hydro-engineering team from the Three Gorges Dam?
The one in China?
Is there another?
British Oxygen Company. A meeting with them as well.
And then, what are those great big transport aircraft called?
The big Russian military...
Antonovs.
Find out about renting two of those,
one for the fish and one to carry all the money that we're going to need.
When that's done, I'd be delighted to start working.
Good day, Ms. Chetwode-Talbot.
Good day, Dr. Jones.
Mary!
Up here.
Boy, did I put a hurricane up that Chetwode-Talbot woman.
You would have laughed.
I told her I wanted a meeting with the Three Gorges Dam team from...
Where are you going?
Geneva. I told you.
You didn't say now.
Well, I am. Tomorrow.
Well, how long are you going for?
Six weeks, to start with.
Six weeks?
There's no need to shout.
Six weeks, though, Mary.
This is a big chance for me. I'll be heading up the whole operation.
Well, you could say "Congratulations."
Great.
Enough is enough. It's job or marriage.
You've got to make a decision and make it now, God damn it.
There are planes, you know, Fred.
And I get Sundays off. Mostly.
You can get all your horrible old fishing stuff out again.
Didn't even ask me. Just went and did it.
I know. I'm sorry.
It just suddenly seemed like the right decision.
Maybe for both of us.
Fred, I don't want to leave on bad terms.
No. No.
I'll open a bottle of something fizzy. Okay?
Reports are coming in from Afghanistan
of a British soldier killed while on duty in Helmand Province.
An improvised explosive device detonated
during a routine search in a local village. This...
The Minister for Culture's been photographed doing what?
Naked or clothed?
Boy or girl?
How old?
Jesus. Well, at least she's legal.
Press statement from us saying that we're a party of policy not personality,
concentrating on the real issues of
getting this country back on track in times of economic hardship
and not tabloid sensationalism, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
Meanwhile, get the useless arse on the front page of every paper
apologizing for being born,
big spread in Hello! with blonde forgiving wife and cute kids.
If they're not cute, find a horse or something.
Joshua! Hood.
Don't you suck your teeth at me, young man.
I'm not one of your bitches from the Baltimore low-rises.
You feel me? I'm your fucking mother!
Got to go. Meeting.
Dear Dr. Jones,
the sheikh has requested your company at his estate in Glen Tulloch
to discuss the salmon project further.
Please advise which dates would suit you best.
Many thanks, Harriet Chetwode-Talbot, Fitzharris & Price.
Mr. Sugden would like to see you in the canteen, sir.
Up his arse with a meter ruler.
Thanks, Betty.
- Which one is he? - Over here.
Fred.
Can I introduce Patricia Maxwell?
She is the Prime Minister's press officer.
Hello.
Fifty million from Sheikh Muhammed thingammy.
It's the first-stage payment on research development
for the salmon fishing project.
The PM's keeping a close eye on this one.
It's just what we need right now,
a bit of Anglo-Arab news that isn't about things that explode.
I want to know, is it a goer?
Goer? Well, look, the complexities.
I mean, I barely know even where to begin,
but, well, just for starters, we would need 10,000 live salmon.
Is 10,000 salmon a lot?
Well, if they're to come from British waters,
and I don't see where else they're gonna come from.
I mean, you would need the permission of the Environment Agency.
That's your job, Bernard.
Okay, so you get on to the EA and get this man his salmon.
- Miss Maxwell. Ms. - Mrs. Happily married.
Details in Who's Who.
Mrs. Maxwell, there are two million fishermen in the UK
who are, I would say, unusually protective of...
How many?
- Two million. - Two million?
- Yes. - Bloody hell.
Two million out there waving their little rods around?
Are they the kind that vote our way?
They vote for those that best look after their fish, in my experience.
I bet they do, I bet they do.
Right, so, Prime Minister on the front cover of Fishy Weekly or whatever.
Best friend of the British fisherfolk.
Spearing a leaping salmon. I like this.
I like it a lo' [.
They do have magazines, these people? They can read?
Aye, the Angling Times, Trout and Salmon,
Coarse Fishing Monthly, Bassmania.
Bassmania?
Marvelous.
Marvelous. That's marvelous.
This has just become a priority project.
Anything I can do, just give me a call.
Two million.
God, men, what a species.
I don't think she got the right end of the stick there.
Your call, I think, Bernard.
Ten thousand native Atlantic salmon on my desk by Friday, please.
Yeah, well, you'd just better come through on this, Jones.
It's been a long time since I was back.
- Yes? - A long time.
You see?
- Is that where he lives? - Yes.
He has many estates, but this one's his favorite.
- May I present Malcolm, the butler. - Hello.
- This is Dr. Jones. - Welcome to Glen Tulloch, sir.
His Excellency thought you might like to avail yourself of the fishing
while you're waiting.
Thank you very much.
May I present Sheikh Muhammed bin Zaidi bani Tihama.
This is Dr. Jones.
It's a great pleasure to meet you, Your Excellency.
To meet the creator of the Woolly Jones, the pleasure's all mine, sir.
That's very kind.
Ms. Chetwode-Talbot, do you realize that for more than 10 years
I have fished with a Woolly Jones?
Really? What's a Woolly Jones?
Dr. Jones invented a famous fly.
Well, it's a sentimental habit that some fly-tiers have
of calling a fly after...
Anyway, I don't approve of that sort of thing normally, but...
Woolly Jones. It's a great name.
A bloody good fly, that's for sure.
Please allow me to show you a delightful lie just around the corner.
Absolutely. Lead on.
You think I'm mad?
- No, Your Excellency. I... - Of course you do.
I would question yourjudgment if you did not.
Though I have judgment enough to know
that under there lies a fish much cleverer than I.
I'm a great admirer of the British for many reasons,
but still there are mysteries to me.
The rich are frightened of the poor. The poor are frightened of the rich.
And even your politicians,
they try to sound like the people on the EastEnders.
A wonderful program, but still.
Yes, the great British class system.
Indeed.
But fishermen, I have noticed,
they don't care whether I'm brown or white, rich or poor,
wearing robes or waders.
All they care about is the fish, the river and the game we play.
For fishermen, the only virtues are patience, tolerance and humility.
I like this.
You are struck dumb by my naivety, Dr. Alfred.
No, you're on.
- What? - You're on.
- This is a sign. - A sign?
A sign that I should stop talking bollocks and fish.
Come here.
- Nicely done, sir. - Thank you.
Very nicely done.
Ms. Chetwode-Talbot.
Hello, Dr. Jones.
Is that yours?
- The dress. - Yes.
This is not mine.
It suits you very well.
Thank you.
They seem to know my size.
That not strike you as a wee bit sinister?
The idea of the sheikh's tailor tracking me across London
with some kind of satellite measuring device?
They asked me for your size.
And I took a guess.
Well, for future reference,
I have a 32-inch waist, Ms. Chetwode-Talbot.
- Right. - Not a 34.
No pies for me.
Note taken, sorry about that.
Thank you.
Ms. Harriet has told me of your marvelous plan.
Plan? Well, not so much of a plan, really,
as more of a feasibility study.
Theoretically possible, you said, Dr. Jones.
- Theoretically. Jndeed.
It would be a miracle of God if it were to happen.
I'm more of a facts-and-figures man myself.
You're not a religious man?
No. No, I'm not.
But you're a fisherman, Dr. Jones.
I'm sorry, I don't follow.
How many hours do you fish before you catch something? Dozens?
Gosh, hundreds sometimes.
Is that a good use of your time for a facts-and-figures man?
But you persist in the wind and the rain and the cold
with such poor odds of success.
Why?
Because you're a man of faith, Dr. Alfred.
And in the end,
you are rewarded for your faith and constancy
With a fish.
With due respect,
fishing and religion are hardly the same thing, Your Excellency.
With equal respect,
I have to disagree.
A toast?
To faith.
And fish.
To faith and fish.
And science.
You're unhappy tonight, Ms. Harriet?
No. I'm fine, really.
I have too many wives not to know when a woman is unhappy.
Though mine are not so quiet about it.
Robert, he's my boyfriend, has just been posted to Afghanistan.
Or somewhere.
I'm sorry.
No, it's fine.
For how long?
They don't really tell us things like that.
How worrying.
I just try not to think about it.
- And you are married, Dr. Alfred? Jndeed.
It is kind of her to spare you.
My wife's actually working abroad at the moment in Geneva, so...
So you two have more in common than one might suppose.
I have put my feet in it. Please forgive me.
Perfect moment to retire to bed.
- Good night. - Good night.
Thank you for a lovely evening.
You're welcome.
- Dr. Alfred. - Your Excellency.
I know you have been persuaded to help us,
but unless you do this with an open heart,
I don't think anything will come of it.
So, please, consider.
Of course.
I hope we meet again.
Dr. Jones.
Yes?
Well, I was just wondering what you thought.
Well, the sheikh's English
has a certain tendency towards the mystical, don't you think?
But then, doolally as this entire enterprise clearly is,
I've had the most pleasant day I can remember having for quite a long time.
So, if the sheikh is paying, as it were, on we go.
Great.
Good night, Ms. Chetwode-Talbot.
Good night, Dr. Jones.
It's been a pleasure.
Yes.
Have you any idea what an outcry there would be
if the Environment Agency stripped British rivers of 10,000 salmon
and shipped them off to the effing Yemen?
Well, how many can you spare?
None!
Christ, Bernard!
Anglers, they're obsessive crazies.
You think AI Qaeda are a threat, think again, mate.
I've seen a fly fisherman wade into a river
and try and drown a canoeist just for passing by in a Day-Glo jacket.
You haven't got a hope in hell of getting these fish from British rivers.
- Yes? - Dr. Jones. Hello.
Ms. Chetwode-Talbot. How nice.
- Did we book a meeting? - No.
You know how you said that you wanted a meeting
with the hydro-engineering team from the Three Gorges Dam?
- Did I say that? - Yes.
That might have been a little hasty.
- They're outside. - Who?
The chief hydro-engineering team from the Three Gorges Dam.
Here?
I e-mailed them about the flow rate calculus,
and I think there must have been some kind of...
My Mandarin is very rusty.
Bloody hell.
We are able to control the flow of water from the upstream dam.
But we are...
Well, we're concerned about the capability of the sandstone walls.
I mean, there's the possibility also of some flash-flood scenario.
Thank you very much.
My God, do you think we got away with it?
- Do you know, I think we did. - I'm so sorry, Dr. Jones.
No, please don't apologize. I think we've just found our engineers.
- Yes. - I mean,
should the project, of course, get that far.
Your Mandarin was much better than I expected.
- Thank you. - Bernard Sugden, Head of Department.
Hello.
Alfred not bothering you too much, I hope?
No.
Ms. Chetwode-Talbot from Fitzharris & Price.
Hello.
Bet he doesn't even know your first name, does he?
So, who were all those little chippy-chappies?
Those are the engineers from the Three Gorges Dam.
What, the one in China?
- Is there another? - Don't think there's another one.
Would have appreciated an introduction.
Bernard is the man who's responsible for acquiring our 10,000 native Atlantic salmon.
How's that coming along, Bernard?
Don't you worry about that, Fred. It's all in hand.
Well, don't dilly-dally. Our end is coming along.
- We're bang on schedule, in fact. - Yes.
A debrief in the canteen, or has Fred brought in the famous sandwiches?
Ms. Chetwode-Talbot and I are going out for lunch, Bernard.
There's lots to discuss.
Clare, could you ask Betty to bring my bag? Thank you.
Certainly, Dr. Jones.
Are you sure you won't have one?
At lunch time?
Dr. Jones, I haven't spoken a word of Mandarin for about four years,
so I am celebrating even if you're not.
I only drink alcohol on the weekend. And even then, only after 7:00.
No exceptions?
None that I can think of.
Well, yeah. We got married on a Friday,
but I think it was, as I recall, a bank holiday in Northern Ireland,
so I allowed myself, I think, a glass on a technicality.
That was an attempt at a joke, Ms. Chetwode-Talbot.
Right. Good one.
Do you really think it's going extremely well?
- What? - The project.
The project.
Well, it's utter nonsense, of course,
naturally, the bagatelle of a man with more money than sense, but...
I haven't actually found anything to say that it couldn't work.
You know, theoretically, of course.
In theory. Well, theoretically speaking, in theory it...
- We'll see, yes. - Of course.
Actually, these are the companies that have bid for the contract
to build the holding tanks at the downstream end of the wadi.
- Shall we go through these? - Now?
Yes, we could go through them now.
Well, we could work and eat, no?
Yes, I... Yes, all right, then.
- This one's from... - Before that, cheers.
- Cheers. - Very bad luck with water.
Some people think it's bad luck.
- EWB... - Sorry. Excuse me.
It's the barracks. It's Robert.
- Sorry. - No. Go on.
- Hello. - Go ahead.
Hello?
Yes?
What?
Are you all right, Ms. Chetwode-Talbot?
He's missing in action.
What does that mean?
- Come upstairs and we'll get you your... - No, I just need a minute.
Hello. My name's Harriet Chetwode-Talbot.
Well, I only knew him for three weeks, but I am Robert's girlfriend.
I was wondering if you knew anything...
Of course. Yes.
Sorry, Mrs. Mayers. Yes, I...
Yes, of course. Goodbye.
You've reached Harriet Chetwode-Talbot. Leave a message after the beep.
Ms. Chetwode-Talbot, it's Dr. Jones here.
Please forgive me for calling you on your home number.
I was at something of a loss.
I realize that this has not been an easy week for you,
but I was wondering when you might be coming back into the office.
I had a very productive meeting
with the engineers from British Oxygen Company
and, well, there's a lot of data coming in.
Really a considerable amount.
I'm sure I don't have to remind you that we are working to a deadline.
Time and tide, as I am sure you are aware, waits for no man.
Or woman.
Anyway, I look fon/vard to hearing from you at your earliest convenience. Goodbye.
Can I come in?
Why?
Well, you might get cold.
- Very nice. - What?
Your flat. Very pleasant.
Look, I'm not... I'm not coming into work, all right,
because I need to stay here.
I need to be here in case there's news.
So, actually, anyone with a shred of understanding,
or humanity, or simple feeling,
who, frankly, wasn't suffering from some kind of Asperger's,
would know that the last thing that I need
is your bullying little phone call
asking me to come into work so that you can update me on fish.
You want to fill me in on fishing.
Well, Dr. Jones, you can take your work
and you can shove it up your unfeeling arse.
I didn't come here to talk to you about work.
Then why are you here?
I made you a sandwich.
Why?
You're probably not eating. Are you?
No. You see, it's very important.
You must eat something.
Ms. Chetwode-Talbot.
Here.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do because...
I'm so sorry, Dr. Jones.
Call me Fred. Just call me Fred.
- You're all right now? - Yeah.
You all right?
- Sorry. - No, donT
Why don't I get a plate and we... You can put this on a plate.
- Shall I do it? - No, it's okay. I'll do it.
I'm so sorry about what I said before. That is just unforgivable.
The great thing about people with Asperger's
is it's very difficult to hurt their feelings.
So it's all right, you can say whatever you like.
You don't have... You know, I was upset.
And rightly so.
Look, I took the liberty of buying a wee bottle of wine.
Now, I hope you don't mind.
I know it's not the weekend, but this one goes very well with duck.
I'm not very hungry.
Harriet, you've got to try and eat...
Is it all right... Is it all right for me to call you Harriet?
My father is...
He's ex-Army,
so he's like very stiff upper lip and don't make a fuss about anything,
but I'm more of a gusher.
I think that's his word for me, anyway.
My upper lip's never been very stiff, I'm afraid.
But you still have a boyfriend.
I mean, I don't know a great deal about such things, but...
Robert hasn't been listed as being dead, has he?
No. But I just feel that "missing in action" is Army-speak for...
Dead? No. No, as a civil servant, I happen to know that
the Ministry of Defense absolutely hate uncertainty of any kind.
If he were dead, they would simply say "dead."
Can you stop using that word, please?
- I beg your pardon. - It's okay.
They say that they'll call when there's news.
But they don't, so I guess there isn't.
Come to the Yemen.
We're leaving tomorrow, just for a few days.
- Geological studies, engineering surveys. - No.
We even have a team of archeologists
checking we're not about to submerge the Ark of the Covenant,
which would be unfortunate, you know.
No, I can't leave because there might be news and...
Well, then, you'll fly back on the sheikh's private jet immediately.
Why would he do that?
Because I asked him to.
Your services are very highly valued by the sheikh,
and by me.
The project really can't do without you.
Who the hell cares?
Project? I mean, it's fishing. You know, who the hell cares?
Well, strangely enough, I do.
I mean, I know it's probably just a terrible folly,
but, still, I can't help sometimes imagining that this
crazy enterprise might just come off.
You know, with a bit of luck and with the right people.
And you, you are most definitely, most definitely
one of the most rightest people
that I've had the good fortune to come across.
If you'll forgive the grammatical inadequacies of that sentence.
Do you sometimes think that maybe we're just
part of a lavish practical joke?
What do you mean? Salmon, here?
Yes, I'm beginning to suppose that.
I don't know anyone that goes to church anymore.
I don't think I do, either.
On a Sunday, we go to Target.
You know, this gravel here is perfect for salmon to lay their eggs in between.
Who'd have thought that here in the middle of the Yemen,
perfect spawning grounds for salmon?
Fred, look.
What?
Yes.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
Harriet, the water.
- It's beautiful. - It's cold.
The water in her well is cold.
Oh, my goodness.
It's really happening, Fred.
Oh, my goodness, it really is.
Unbelievable.
These men, they say that by bringing water, life, to this desert,
I am bringing the Western ways to our land.
They say I have insulted God himself.
I say they are fools.
A thousand apologies, my friends.
Please, this is not a way to introduce you to our great enterprise.
Look.
Is it not magnificent?
It's beautiful.
Certainly is.
Bloody amazing.
- Hello. - Hello.
For the last time, Sugden,
there is absolutely no way I can get you these fish.
Tom, this comes from the top. The very top.
I don't care if God's taken up fly fishing.
Now, I suggest you make this work, Tom.
Is that a threat, Sugden?
These are difficult days, Tom. Cuts. Cuts everywhere.
I don't know. Is the Environment Agency a frontline service?
That is a threat.
See it as an opportunity.
Well, then. An opportunity.
Hilary, get me Matthew Sweet from Fly Fishing Monthly, will you?
That's all I've been told, and so I...
Okay. All right, then.
Well, please, please, please call me when...
Okay. Bye.
I'm so sorry. Did I wake you up?
No. No, no. News?
No. No, I was just leaving a message on Robert's phone
which is ridiculous because he hasn't got his phone with him.
And I know that.
Just turning into a madwoman.
No.
No, when things get tricky in my life, I talk to my fish.
I have a pond.
Talking to an answering machine is no madder than chatting to koi carp.
I just somehow wouldn't associate you with having a tricky life.
Well, it wouldn't do to talk about your emotions with a colleague,
would it, Ms. Chetwode-Talbot?
No, I think...
I think things are beyond tricky, really.
They have been for some time.
Mary's in Geneva. I'm here.
The koi carp are alone in Surrey.
We got married very young.
I'm sorry, I didn't...
I didn't really know things were hard.
No, don't apologize. There's always hope.
For me and for you.
Do you know, I can't even remember what he looks like.
Not exactly.
But I'm stuck,
and I can't move on.
Does that make any sense?
Yes. Totally.
I feel a bit like I've been stuck for years.
Yes, but you can move on.
Well, I suppose in theory.
You should be happy, Fred.
I knew you'd have a pond.
The traitor has had his chance.
You know what to do.
Do not fail us.
I think the idea of taking Scottish salmon to a foreign country
is absolutely absurd.
These fish have been running these rivers for tens of thousands of years.
I've fished the rivers of Scotland all my life.
Yes, Prime Minister.
It would appear that the gentle fisherfolk are not so effing gentle after all.
...rape and pillage of our national rivers...
What, ditch the whole thing?
No. No, no, no, Prime Minister.
No, we mustjust find the fish somewhere bloody else.
Your turrets are blocking my reception.
Well, I'm terribly sorry about that, madam. If you'd care to follow me, please.
Mrs. Maxwell.
- Pleasure to meet you. - It's an honor.
Happy birthday, Patricia.
Yes, we could do with a few more like you in Cabinet.
Very good, Your Excellency.
I'm grateful, indeed, that you could spare some time for our little project.
Yes. Well, we have gone out on a bit of a limb for you, Your Excellency,
but the Prime Minister does love his fishing.
- Really? - Yes. Rod's never out of his hand.
Anyway, down to business.
The fish. The salmon. We're not gonna get it out of British waters.
There's a bloody big fuss about it, as no doubt you've heard.
Don't know what it is about fishing. Anyway, no-goer.
- Yes, but I thought... - However,
I have solved your problem.
See? There must be thousands in this one alone.
This guy's got four fish farms up and down the coast.
Stocks all the Tescos. Right under your nose.
These fish were bred for the dinner table. It's barbaric.
They've never run in their lives.
Neither have their forebears for two generations.
Why would they run for us?
...the difference in these salmon...
We'd open the sluices
and they would just drift off downstream never to be seen again.
Well, get a couple of days fishing out of it, then just re-stock or whatever the word is.
Seems to be no shortage of them.
...In transit for the supermarkets.
These fish will never run. They're just not right.
Not right? Well, a fish is a fish is a fish, isn't it?
No. You see, Mrs. Maxwell, I have a vision.
Tired, bloated pretenders are not part of this vision.
Well, unfortunately, Her Majesty's Government also has a vision,
and that vision is farmed fish or no fish.
Then I must thank you for your precious time.
And decline.
No advisers, either. Back at your desk on Monday, Fred.
Well, in that case, I resign.
Resignation accepted.
- Thank you. - Pleasure.
So, this leaves us with what?
Well, with no salmon.
We must have faith, Dr. Alfred.
Well, that's a very laudable sentiment, Your Excellency,
but we're running out of time.
Can't catch faith with a fishing rod.
Hello, Fred.
Sheikh Muhammed bin Zaidi bani Tihama!
Are you okay? Are you okay?
I didn't think he looked right, that man.
And he pulled out a gun! Are you all right?
- Yes. - Are you sure?
Yes.
Thank you. Thank you, Dr. Alfred. Thank you very much.
Don't be silly. Don't be silly. It was only a cast, really.
A very good cast.
An essential cast, one might say.
Yes, I suppose one might say that.
- Here. - My God, Fred. Are you all right?
Yeah, yeah. It was very quick. It was over in a flash, really.
How did you do that?
I did a right-handed snake roll. Did I get him?
Yes, it was extraordinary.
- Are you all right? - Yes, thank you very much.
Please, continue your work as if nothing had happened.
Of course, of course.
I owe you my life.
No. Please, come on. Anyone would have...
This is not one of those British metaphors, Dr. Alfred.
The debt will be repaid.
- Bye, now. - Goodbye.
Bye.
In response to the Right Honorable Member's question
of the 7th of last month,
the Ministry of Defense can now confirm
that an engagement by British Special Forces
against known terrorists did occur on the 13th of September.
The details of this operation are classified.
However, I am at liberty to say
that serious casualties were incurred by the British forces.
I deeply regret to inform the House that there were no survivors.
An internal investigation is being carried out.
Sorry to wake you up.
- No, don't be. - It's just...
It's okay.
It's just...
I just never got the chance to really know him.
Mary?
Fred? There you are.
I had no idea you were...
I got a day off and thought, "Why not surprise him?"
I've got this wonderful Swiss mountain Comté
from a little shop round the corner in Geneva.
Is everything all right, Fred?
Where's your suit and tie? Day off?
I resigned.
Don't be ridiculous.
You've resigned?
What about your pension? It's final salary.
Well, the government pulled out of the salmon fishing project
and we'd put a lot of time and energy into it.
I didn't want to walk away from that.
Well?
Well, everyone involved.
I'm still being paid, if that's what you're worried about.
Fitzharris & Price have been more than...
I might have known she'd be involved.
If you're referring to Harriet, we're working on the project together.
Of course she's involved.
- Harriet? - What do you mean exactly by that, Mary?
I've seen her photograph on the Fitzharris & Price website.
You're making a fool of yourself.
Now it's you that's being ridiculous.
Am I'?
I'm not the one abandoning a decent, highly respected job
for a joke fishing project and a short-skirted office girl.
- She's not an office girl. - What is she, then, Fred? Hey?
Just what is she?
She's a colleague.
- She's a very talented colleague and... - And?
And a friend! She's just a friend!
Are you in love with her?
I've done nothing, Mary. I have no expectations.
I didn't ask about your expectations.
I asked if you were in love with her.
This is a mid-life crisis. It's textbook, it's pathetic.
I'm so sorry, Mary.
You'll be back, Fred. Or you'll try.
Six months and you'll be begging to be taken back in.
It's in your DNA.
You'd think a bloody scientist would know that much!
Six months and you'll be begging to be taken back in.
It's in your DNA.
We don't need native river fish.
We'll be all right with farmed salmon.
I know. I don't much like them, but...
Well, they will run. I know it.
Yes, Your Excellency.
Despite our moral and philosophical objections,
farmed salmon will run.
I'm absolutely sure of it.
You are tireless, Doctor.
You have uncovered some new research?
A new paper, perhaps?
No, I just know it.
You just know it. I see.
Faith, Dr. Alfred.
Damn it. Yes, all right, then, faith.
So?
They're alive.
That hurts!
Sorry, sweetie.
- Mrs. Maxwell? - What?
Amazing news. One of the officers presumed dead,
Captain Robert Mayers, has been found alive.
- Good. - Yes, we're very pleased.
Yes, very good.
It's very good news for the family.
And his girlfriend, Ms. Chetwode-Talbot.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Who else knows about this?
You're the first to know.
Right, keep it that way.
Total press embargo. Do you understand?
- Yes, Mrs. Maxwell. - That salmon fishing thing.
Is that still happening?
As far as I'm aware.
- It is? - Yes.
- Yemen? - Yes.
Perfect.
Yes, this is all coming together very nicely.
I intended to create a small miracle.
Something to glorify God and bring our tribes together.
Sometimes I wonder if we haven't created something that glorifies man.
It is a very fine line.
Hubris, Dr. Alfred.
Hubris.
- It's nice here. - Beautiful.
You know, Fred, this project, it saved me. I think.
You know, with everything that happened.
So those farmed fish had better run.
- I believe they will. - You do?
Yes, I believe that it's in the very core of their being to head upstream
even if they never have, even if the parent fish never have.
Look at this.
Look at that.
Mary said something about me.
She said that I was genetically programmed to return to a dull pedestrian life with her.
That it was in my DNA.
Do you think that you are?
No. No, I belong here. I always have done.
- Harriet. - Yes.
I was wondering about you and me.
The theoretical possibility in the same way
as a manned mission to Mars is a theoretical possibility.
Obviously.
Or salmon fishing in the Yemen.
Yes.
- Yes? - Yes.
I just need a little time.
Of course, of course. All the time you want.
Thank you.
- Mr. Foreign Secretary. - Brian Fleet.
The great fisherman.
The great... Well, it has been a little while, to be honest.
A bit rusty, you know.
Some skills are never forgotten.
Please, follow this man to your tent. I shall join you shortly.
What have you been saying?
Fishing's the last thing anyone's gonna be interested in, trust me.
Get ready for the photo op of a lifetime, Sonny Jim.
N-S-R. No salmon required.
Is that a Woolly Jones?
No, this is a new one I've invented.
IS it?
What's it called?
This one is called the Chetwode-Talbot Beauty.
That's very nice.
It's true.
You're not being funny?
No, I don't have a sense of humor, as you recall.
That is true.
- Beautiful. - Yes, she is.
Here.
Thank you.
Don't you think we should be doing something, Fred? Preparing?
L am preparing-
Well, for the whole thing, you know.
Everything's done, Harriet, it's fine. Just relax.
Did you just...
Dr. Alfred Jones just told me to relax.
What is the world coming to?
Oh, my God.
Harriet.
Right, Harriet and Robert...
Right, okay. Shut up, hacks.
No military stuff. It's classified.
Anyway, I don't think you'd understand it.
The only thing you need to know is that this man, Captain Mayers here,
is a war hero.
Human interest stuff only. Sir.
Harriet, can you tell us how it feels?
It feels like it's a...
It's a... It's a shock, but it's wonderful.
Please can we have a kiss?
Go on. Come on.
I am sorry, my friend.
No- No, it's- - -
It's a miracle.
Indeed.
Nevertheless, I'm sorry.
All right, gentlemen, gentlemen, I think that's all.
A little privacy for the couple, please.
I'd just like to say that the British government
is proud to have played a small but significant part
in this extraordinary reunion of Harriet and Captain Mayers.
That's what we're here for.
This is strange.
Bad strange?
No, good strange.
Do you mind if we don't...
No, of course not.
There's no rush.
Will you just hold me?
How did you get caught up in this, H?
Salmon fishing out here? It's ridiculous.
Well, you never know with the sheikh.
I expect there will be a six-star hotel and a golf course before you know it.
That's not his style at all.
Don't you believe it.
He's gotta make his money back somehow.
They're no fools, these Arabs.
You don't sleep, either?
No, not much.
Well...
At least there's no bloody journos around at this time, anyway.
You've been very good to Harriet, Fred.
I appreciate it.
I love her.
Yeah, she's great.
She's really great.
No.
I love her.
Does she love you?
I don't know now.
Yesterday, you weren't alive.
Well, I apologize for not being dead in a ditch.
I don't think I can accept your apology.
Is that a joke?
Yes, yes, sort of. I'm not... I've never been very good at jokes.
It's all right, Robert. Really.
It's all right.
The day has arrived.
Before the dam, this was a dry riverbed.
And now, as you all can see, we have water.
And today, we hope we shall discover the one missing thing.
So, thank you, one and all, for coming
as not one of you, not even my dear self,
knows if this curious experiment of mine will actually work.
It better had bloody work.
Doesn't matter if it works or not, dolly.
All that matters is you.
Fishing on Sky tonight with our war hero.
- I haven't done this in years. - For God's sake.
There are 10,000 fish in there.
If you can't hook one of them, you can just flip off back to Transport.
My intention is to color this desert in green.
Make an agricultural industry for my people,
and the sons and daughters of my people for generations to come.
- Right on cue. - So here we are,
Muslims, Christians and the odd heathen.
We are all gathered here in an act of faith. And why not?
And now, the moment that we are all waiting for,
the fruits of all our efforts.
The moment of truth.
Open the sluices.
Where's it going?
It's going the wrong way. It's heading downstream.
Wait a minute.
It's turned around. Wait. Wait, wait.
- Look, they're going upstream. - Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
Oh, my God, they're running. Fred, look.
Look!
- They're running, Fred! - They're running!
Blondie. Come down here, come on. Come down here now.
Look, we ought to get a picture of him with the sheikh.
- It's working, Your Excellency. - It is.
They are running upstream, look!
Let's go fishing, Dr. Alfred.
Turn it on, dolly.
I need to get further out.
For God's sakes. Come on, off you go!
Have you got that?
Yes, Mrs. Maxwell. But can we get them closer together?
God, I'll give it a go. Robert, darling.
Can you come... Can you turn around a bit?
I'm worried about what he's doing with his rod.
Lovely. And, Brian,
just a nice smile, that would be good.
Did you get that?
God, he's useless, isn't he?
More fun without waders, Dr. Alfred.
Yes.
I think I caught one, Dr. Alfred.
It's a beauty, Your Excellency.
Look out behind you!
Your Excellency, behind you!
Step UP-
No, you first!
I repay my debts, Dr. Alfred.
- Okay. I'll pull you up. After... - Okay.
Here, Your Excellency, hold on. Here, come on.
We won't need these anymore.
I just don't understand who would do this.
Why would they do this?
I know who. And I know why.
Can't you find them? Arrest them?
What for?
Jusfice.
I think these destroyers... Bad men, certainly.
But I think perhaps they have a point.
I expected people to understand what we were doing here.
I expected them to see that it was really not about fishing at all.
In the end, I asked for too much.
Will you try again?
The question is "Will we try again?"
This was ours.
Yes, I think maybe Robert wants to go home.
So, I don't... I don't know.
Does home call, Dr. Fred?
I don't really have a home anymore.
There was a moment when I had everything, but...
Well, now I don't know what to do.
When the time comes, you will know.
Well, until then.
Thank you.
Just gonna say goodbye to Fred.
Are you sure?
Sorry?
Listen, Harriet.
When I was in the desert,
the only thing that kept me going was the thought of you.
You don't owe me anything.
I want you to understand that.
So...
We're going.
I'm so sorry, Fred.
It was an extraordinary idea. It almost worked, too.
I wasn't talking about the project.
No, I'm not sure that I was.
I never meant to hurt you like this.
It's not your fault.
I don't know what to do.
I can't help you there, I'm afraid.
Are you going to stay?
Stay for what?
There's nothing here anymore.
Not you, not a single fish left in the river.
Well, someone's gonna have to make a move. Good luck, Harriet.
Dr. Alfred, look!
They're alive!
I'm going to stay.
I want to start again.
I'll do it on my own if I have to.
I'll start small, though, this time.
A different approach. Just a few fish to begin with.
Involve the local community more.
Make it their project, not ours. That's the way to protect it.
Do you need an assistant, Dr. Jones?
Well, I suppose I will. I'm sure the sheikh has somebody that...
An assistant?
A partner.
Yes, Ms. Chetwode-Talbot.
More than anything.