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Ladies and Gentlemen...
Welcome, the best Comedian Stand-up in the world and pride of Montreal...
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Thank you!
All right!
Really, Sidney!
Applause for Starting from Scratch and DJ Spinbalm, ladies and gentlemen.
Just to know, that's what someone must do DJ. </ P>
They are DJing and looking at you, because they are playing songs. </ P>
I know some of you spend money to see DJs....
who stood in a wide arena like this, and his hand was raised up.
They might play DJ with his penis, that's what I mean. Because...
If your hand is lifted up, who plays the music?
As if you paid to watch me, and I aired the DVD and left.
Stand up and make a heart shape.
It's nice to be here again.
All right, man. I'm not sure you're a white person.
It's not easy again.
When I saw white people, you immediately knew she was white.
When I was a child I saw white people, I didn't need ask,
"Are you white?" "What do you think?"
But now you have to confirm.
Are you, sir? Are you white?
Yes.
You even doubted yourself.
You have to look over your shoulder, and... .
"Looks like yes. I... uh..."
Because you're not like most people are skin
white. Your arms aren't furry like immigrants. </ P>
Do you know what I mean? </ P>
It's not like...
Hey, is your hand like that? Your hands are hairy. Look at his hands. </ P>
Gosh. Look. </ P>
That... It's not like white skin in general, friend. </ P>
I don't know... That... Like belongs Italy, Greece, or whatever. </ P>
I don't know what happened to that. </ P>
Where are your parents from? / English. </ P>
English ? Oh, so... Yes, it's very white. </ P>
Actually there is the origin of the factory. </ P>
You're an Englishman who is very hairy, isn't it ?
♪ ♪ ♪
I smell the bristles of English people.
You know why I have to ask this? I just came from Florida...
You've been to Florida, in America? If you've been to Florida...
Everyone in Florida, looks like everyone in this room...
Before they open their mouths.
Spanish, glides from their mouths.
Unlike most Spanish, as if you can guess
what they think and do in Spanish.
You can tell, when you say "hello", you
can see "hello" enter into his head. </ P>
"Hello?" and you see: hello = ola.
Reply with, "Khello."
And you know their "khello" begins with with the letter J, that the best part.
"Jello. Greetings are the best service for me."
It's annoying to me. I like Spanish but...
If you go to a place in where everyone speaks the language
Spanish, and they should speak English...
Very annoying.
Because when they see brown skin, they think something will happen. </ p >
Every time I go to Florida...
Listen, Fernando... I don't want to dance now.
This is a gas station, > it will feel awkward.
When I talk to the guy that I
doesn't speak the language Spanish, he answers...
"What kind of Latinos do not speak Spanish?"
When I say I'm not Latin, he reacts like a man
who hires prostitutes and know that prostitutes are men.
"No, I'm not a Latin." "What are you!?
Pointing at my cock as I answered as if, " What is that? "
I like Spanish, but it looks annoying
when people use it every day...
"Ola!" "Ola!" "Comos estas?" "Ola!" </ P>
I have to know that I'm getting sick, because when I enter a shop...
I see Indians in turbines, and I'm excited.
I'm like, "Thank you! My people!"
I said, "How are you, man?" He replied, "Ola."
Gosh.
You can't speak Spanish with Indian head movements...
It's not like that!
"Que paso?" </ P>
During an excursion, there is always something fun
di jalanan negara yang kudatangi.
I...
I am in Thailand. And many of you have been to Thailand,
Not far from here. I like how you don't want to admit it because...
You guys are masher. That's why. </ P>
Thailand is amazing. </ P>
When I go to a country that I've never visited, I
are interested in what is famous for from that country...
Not a Ladyboy. Pervert pirates. </ P>
I'm in Bangkok. </ P>
Know what's funny from Bangkok? </ P>
No matter how old you are, when you hear Bangkok, you will laugh.
I am 40 when I go to Bangkok.
Since you started thinking about the syllables...
You started thinking < br /> how can that name be
selected. How do they make a meeting and...
"We need a name for this city, ok? Take a break, then come back."
Ouch!
"What's wrong?" " Penis hit! " (Banged Cock)
Don't you wonder how they got the name Phuket island? </ P>
Do you know what I mean? </ P>
"What is the name of the island ? " " I don't know, care about the devil (fuck it)... "
I went to... When I was in Bangkok I went to...
I went to Thai massage. That's what is famous.
Just to know, when you go to Thailand and want a Thai massage service...
Let's say you want a massage. Not "Thai massage"
because they understand that is enough Thai. </ P>
But I don't know one of my friends < br>> about Thai massage...
It's actually very common for girls there giving massage to the area...
Not shaking dice... I mean...
Makes you orgasm.
And I said, "Okay."
And I... Just wondering why they did it,
It's not like I'm interested, I just want to know why.
And he answered, "Because you know... If the whole
your body is relaxed except the center part...
You're exhausted. "
And then," Most men relax after... "Right?
And if it's massaged in that part, you are like jelly when you leave.
You can tell because everyone who walks in Bangkok looks...
"Is he jazzed? " " No, he just got a massage. "
So I said," Okay. I'll try. "
So I went on a massage, and luckily...
When I was there, they said that this girl was not allowed to...
They were no longer allowed to make you orgasm.
And that makes everyone disappointed. Because it's the core of the party.
Because even though they make you orgasm, not done like when...
Outside...
Here will be considered dirty when, "Hey, man,
you want to get massage and blow job? "
You know it's like...
That sounds disgusting.
Like when you get a hand job , and the girl says...
"Oh, it's big."
And she spends your time and...
None of that relates to
sexuality, he only tries to make you relax...
So it's like two pumping "ding-ding" exit.
They don't care about the size, just "dinging, out."
So... I tried to find out...
What will happen when massage. </ P>
So I ask, "What's wrong?" " I don't know. Just find out. "</ P>
" All right. Will he still make me an orgasm? " "Maybe. I don't know." </ P>
So I went for a massage, and there was a Thai girl
small she gave a nice massage...
On my back, my legs, knees, my legs, my chest, and he arrived at my "stuff".
And I know something will happen, right?
But I don't know what, so I just lean back and relax...
Dan aku merasakan sensasi luar biasa di penisku.
And I thought maybe he did... You know, on the sidelines of the arms...
I don't know...
In the past there were movements like that, maybe like...
"Oh, do you like that?" I don't know. I just said. </ P>
I thought he did it with legs, which... I like it...
I like it with feet. I like it that.
So I... I feel this sensation so I'm curious.
I want to see what's wrong. So I got up and I swear he did this...
He gave the best wrist-job in my life. </ P>
I never knew we could < > do it with your wrist.
I returned to the hotel that night, because I thought I could try it.
Duduk di pinggir tempat tidur dan... "Baiklah."
Just for the record, if you want to try it,
Remove your watch. That's my advice.
Don't make yourself get a penis sprained.
Are there Middle Eastern or Arabic people? Arabic?
Very many Arabic.
Number of dangerous ones.
What Arabic models are you? / Lebanon.
"Lebanon!"
What is Lebanese?
A hamburger topping that I don't know?
"Yes, I want... I want a Hamburger."
I'm following your style of speech, man. I don't know why...
It makes me laugh. </ P>
Do you have strong ties where you have to say
"Don't worry. Stop worrying. "</ P>
Aku juga merasa harus memasukkan wortel ke mulut kalian saat bicara.
"Don't worry." Don't worry.
Lebanese. I want soy sauce mixed with lebanese.
What is Lebanese? That's lemon and mayonnaise. That...
I thought it should be lemonaise. Lebanese sounds good. </ P>
My Lebanese friend once returned to Beirut? </ P>
I told you...
I've been partying in any , and so far,
without wanting to offend you guys, guys...
Because I'm afraid.
But...
Of all the places in the world, Beirut has the best party!
As if they were...
They were partying as if there were no tomorrow. </ P>
Bodies are everywhere. </ P>
You never saw a cigarette chain... .
You went to Beirut, you saw a chain of cigarettes,
Turn on cigarettes, finish and smoke again.
Lebanese, three in one moment.
One in this hand, in this hand, and fake cigarettes on mouth.
I asked, "You are not afraid of cancer?" "I will not die of cancer."
"You have the medicine?" "Jews will kill us before I get cancer. </ P>
" I don't need to care about cancer. </ P>
"Cancer will not affect me. Don't worry . "
I know the problem in the Middle East. Get my Arabic, listen.
Here's how to make changes there.
This is the main problem, Arab men won't ever say "No. I don't know."
They will never say no, and
they won't admit don't know anything.
Not very manly to men man to know nothing.
No matter what, if he doesn't know, he'll make it up...
And he will yell at you.
It doesn't matter what you ask, a simple example...
"Know how to make cakes? Because of me. .. " " Yes, of course. "
" Everyone knows how to make a cake. "
Really? Because I don't know how to make cakes. </ P>
Can you show me? Yes. </ P>
Do you know the sign when an Arab man is lying? He start the answer with "Okay."
That's the first sign when you know he's lying.
Because I said, "I don't know. How do I make a cake? "
" Okay. "
" First, take the cake. "
" Then make it for twenty minutes.
"Be the cake."
Are you sure?
Because I don't think that's the way.
That's the only way to make a cake! They have
used that method since time immemorial! </ P>
I answered, okay, don't go crazy. I just asked. </ P>
No matter what you ask, whatever it is...
If they don't know, they will make it up.
This happened to me last year. I am in Dubai, I
at Bloomingdales, an department store...
American Department Stores, so there is clearly Jewish problem in Arabia.
So, I'm at Bloomingdales, I want to get out of the shop.
I'm looking for an escalator and there is security stand up and I approach him .. .
"Hi. Is there an escalator here?" "Yes."
"Where do you know?" "Yes, of course."
"Where can I tell me?" "Yes."
" Then tell me! "</ P>
" Okay. "</ P>
" Straight, left, right. "</ P>
I have no reason to doubt a man this.
Straight, left, right. So I walk straight...
I turn left...
And I turn to right facing the wall.
There is another man in the shop, I ask "Sorry sir, there is an escalator here?"
"Do you see an escalator?"
"I don't know, because that's what I asked."
"Maybe they put the wall in front of it?"
"I don't know. I ask you. "
" Why do you think there are escalators on this wall? "
"Because the employee here told me there is an escalator here."
"Maybe he's lying."
"Who is lying about escalators?" > "Maybe the man." </ P>
"Are there escalators in this shop?" "Sure. How do you go up and down?" </ P>
"Do you know where? " "I'm working at here." "Likewise with that man." </ P>
"Where can you tell me?" "Yes." </ P>
"Where!?" </ P>
"Okay." </ P>
"Back. Then go straight, left, and right." </ P>
"No, no, no. That's my place.
"That's the same direction." "That's the right direction."
"Are you sure?" "Why am I lying?" </ p >
"Why is that guy lying !?" "That's the problem."
"Okay, thank you." So I returned and met the man who lied to me. </ P>
I hope, as a man, this person will continue to lie to me. </ P>
At least, do that. < br /> When I say,
"Hey, man, there's no escalator there." I hope the man responds,
"What ??? Was there at there, an hour ago! "
" They moved it !? "
But no. I said, "Hey, man. There are no escalators there." </ P>
He reacted...
That was a problem in the Middle East. </ P>
Arabs, you need to know how answered "No, I don't know." </ P>
Are you aware of what chaos can be avoided? </ P>
Perang Irak tak akan terjadi. Mereka tahu mereka tak punya senjata pemusnah massal.
But when the US asked, "Do you have weapons of mass destruction?"
"Yes, of course!"
"Everyone has weapons mass destruction. "
Even the Iraqi people say, " What are you doing !? Shut up! "
" Where? " " Okay. "
"Straight, left, right."
And I don't speak Arabic, unfortunately I don't speak other languages.
I know. .. Sentences in other languages, but...
I have a theory, if you don't speak another language, you can fake it. </ P>
The trick is , to know other languages, and when you want to look similar,
It sounds angry when you say it.
Because when you are angry, you mess up whatever you want say.
No matter what language you use.
You will be angry and screw it up.
So if you know how it sounds, you
can fake it with pretending to be angry. </ p >
For example, if I go to India, there are more than 200 languages in India.
I don't know any. I know address language, but don't know
how to use it to solve the problem. </ P>
But I know how it sounds. And when I stuck in India,
and I need help I'm enough faked it. They won't know. </ P>
I'm stranded on the market and me...
They will know. They will...
Gosh, he is very angry. I don't know. </ P>
I don't know what dialect he said. But he's very
marah. Dia paling marah. Dia sangat stress. Sangat stress.
That's what people need to do, you don't want
that negative energy and pull it out of your head
Get out of my mind and enter to my car!
It's the same as the language whatever you can fake.
I went to Hong Kong two weeks ago then, if I got lost there...
Fuck, I don't speak Cantonese, but I know the sound. I just got angry. </ P>
"I don't know what language the man uses...
" But whatever it is, he is very angry. </ P>
"Very angry. I've never seen someone that badly." </ P>
Fat Asian guy, how are you? Nice to see you. </ P>
You know you're fat , isn't it?
Which part of Asia are you? / Chinese.
Chinese?
Never heard of an accent like that.
Oh, I'm not talking Chinese.
Where are you from? / Lebronne, Australia.
Lebronne, Australia?
And, uh... Are you a big fan of meat? Or...
Based on the shirt! The writing is "Meat"! I don't know. </ P>
Written there. </ P>
What is your name? / Peter. </ P>
Peter, of course. Of course. </ P>
And your girlfriend? "She's Wong. This is Wong." </ P>
Have a Chinese name, Peter? </ P>
Don't lie to me, Peter
I don't believe you.
Where are your parents from? / From... China, Tanchan.
Where? / Tanchan.
Tanchan? I told Tanchan is the name of a building...
If you don't tell your Chinese name...
It's impossible for your parents to say, "This is a baby us, Peter. "
It's impossible.
Except your name is Peeeta.
Do you know what I mean? Your family's name is Ta, your first name is Pee.
Pee Ta.
Fei Lou, Pee Ta! </ P>
My language is very messy, Peter. Sorry. </ P>
And a beautiful girl with you, he's white. Married? Fiance? </ P>
Uh... Fiance. / Engagement? Congratulations. When will you get married? </ P>
Don't know? No hurry? </ P>
He said, "No. Fuck." </ P>
How long has it been you together? / Four years.
Four years? Will wait until eight
years because it's a number good luck in China? </ P>
"In the end, I'm fine. No worry.
"Next time, we will talk about it."
And how do you meet (meet)? And meet I mean not...
How do you meet each other?
Work? Good. How old are you, Peter? </ P>
Uh... 28./ 28, good. Don't rush to get married...
when you were 28. You're also 28 years old, honey? </ P>
As long? Oh that's good. </ P>
Oh. </ P>
Do you want to have a mixed Asian child, man? </ P>
That's what I mean, man. </ P>
Good.
I have... I have a baby. Daughter. </ P>
I like it. </ P>
Yes. </ P>
He's not here, there's no need to applaud. </ P>
I mean, he'll watch this a day and say, "Daddy, what is this?" </ P>
Good, kids...
You have children too British man? No? Not yet. </ P>
You have to...
don't free your free part, and...
Ta-Da!
I like being kids. My son is good.
He... He is 2 years old.
He is... He is very beautiful.
I said that, because...
Let me be clear. If my child is ugly...
I will first say it Understand what I mean?
I will "Yes, I have a daughter."
Cross fingers.
But I'm honest.
>
I hate when you say how beautiful
your child is, and when people see it he reacts...
"What the hell is that! ? " Understand what I mean? </ P>
"Look, look at my child." "What are you doing? </ P>
Too much encouragement when making love?" </ P>
Not all beautiful children.
I saw a beautiful baby in a Mall but...
His head was huge! As if I could say...
That he could not support his head.
The baby has a big head.
I hope he can grow it, but...
He is very, very beautiful, my child. He...
Everyone who sees it will say, "Wow, he's a beautiful child." </ P>
And I have to be honest, my child looks like my ex-wife.
My wife is a beautiful woman, on the outside, and...
She... You know.
My ex-wife like Ferrari cars without engines.
"Gosh! What is Ferrari?" "Yes. Does not work. Does not work.
" Just parked there and spend my money. That's how it is. "</ P>
Apa ada wanita hamil di sini malam ini?
Okay. Sorry you have to sit down.
Climb up the stairs and...
Pregnant women have a difficult life. You won't know until you see it yourself. </ P>
I mean... This is what happens when a woman gets pregnant...
They are uncomfortable, the hormones rise, he craves a lot of things, there is a human in his womb,
You know... The mood is messy.
That's what you have to face. But when dealing with other people,
It's only an insult to injury. </ P>
And especially in America, it's worse. Because America doesn't care.
Say whatever you want to say.
At least, I'm not sure I'm...
What do you say? "No. Don't worry.
"I brought a baby. This is me.
Let me give you a ride.
They have to deal with other people.
When my ex-wife was pregnant, we were at the mall and this girl came...
"Gosh, are you pregnant? "
He points right in the stomach as if we don't know where it is.
" Gosh, are you pregnant? That's a miracle! There is a miracle to grow in you ! "
I hate when people say that miracle, it's not a miracle.
That is a blessing. Not a miracle. Especially when my ex-wife is pregnant. </ P>
She's a Latin, I'm Indian. Know how difficult it is to make her pregnant? </ P>
There are 2 humans at the most fertile in the world, we never even have sex.
I just sent the text one day, "I'll go home."
"I just checked it . "
I hate when people say "That's a miracle." That's not a miracle. </ P>
It would be a miracle if was in the wrong hole. </ P>
"Gosh, are you pregnant? That's a miracle." </ P>
Of course a miracle! I did it in his asshole!
This is the most ambitious child you will meet!
Can you imagine how much a lot of shit he passed!?
I like being a father. Having a child a girl makes you a father. </ P>
I know you're a Chinese, maybe want a boy, but...
I don't there, okay? Just say what I know.
And they arrived in an age when they repeated everything...
You know, people reminds, "Russell,
when you have children, you have to be careful talking.
Because they will repeat it. " No.
And I doubt I have a mouth recet.
I forgot some other things I did, when I'm alone in the car.
When I drive to pick up my son a few weeks ago,
I'm setting NWA.
And because it's very old, I didn't think about what they said
I only thought about nostalgic memory. You know, when the girls...
"Oh. NWA. "And you started thinking about the old days
I didn't think about what they said , and I put my child in the car,
I didn't sing every lyric, because I don't know exactly everything.
Just sing the part when...
And, after all there is a song section, and me, when driving,
"Yo, gotta foul bowl, double up Nigga !!!"
And then, two seconds later in the back seat I hear,
"Nigga! !! "
No, no, no!
And trying to get rid of his memory, I said, Potato, boy! Tell potatoes! </ P>
"Pot, pota... Nigga !!!"
I can't return it to his mother! </ P>
Is that your wife or your boyfriend? < /p>
Parar./Pacar. How long have you been together?
Two years? / Two years? Planning to marry her, or...
You're just spending time, British men?
Why are you sweat now? Nothing.
He looks like women well, you
still seem to love with each other.
See them fiancee and still holding hands.
Look at that. That's sweet. Maybe it's because of the shirt. </ P>
But he doesn't hold the meat, he holds his hand. </ P>
He doesn't, "Ah, Peter! Ah! "</ P>
He is not. </ P>
He holds... His hands. </ P>
Who has children? You have children, old man? </ P>
I mean, old with respect. Not "old old!" </ P>
You are of course older than me. Except you age badly.
What is your name, sir? / Al.
Al.
And who are you here? Your family?
p>
What... Is your child here? / Wife and son.
Your wife and child. And daughter or son-in-law?
That's... That's your wife, son? Hello?
Bastard, hello!
He saw me like this.
This isn't YouTube. I'm not buffering. I'm talking to you. </ P>
What is your only puppet, Al? </ P>
Yes? Do you love him? </ P>
Good, isn't it? How old are you, man? </ P>
I'm... 26//26? Why are you... Why are you so confused? </ P>
I will regret it. </ P>
As if, "Look at these sweat marks!" </ P>
Good. It will be filmed forever. </ P>
When you become a father, you will say, "What am I thinking about?" </ P>
How old are you, Yah? / 62 .
62? You look young. You look old for 42 years old, but...
Right. You look handsome. I didn't think of your age 62.
Are you in the room when he was born? / Yes.
Yes? That's...
Let me tell you something. If you have children,
When your wife is giving birth, try not to attend. </ P>
Go to Viccinity, go to the hospital,
For him think you're in the room, record voice notes and
"Push, honey. Push." And press repeat and loop.
But when she gives birth , don't be in the room.
Because women go crazy when giving birth.
They say bad words to you.
Because they are in pain, < br /> and they start thinking,
"You're the main cause of this pain!"
"I hate you and anything is in me now!" </ p >
They become evil, aren't they?
Here's the problem. Because women think that men don't think...
That giving birth is sick. </ P>
Of course it's sick. Must be sick. </ P>
I've been defecated and sick. I can't imagine...
How much pain when you pull out humans from within you.
But that's the point .
I'm not trying to underestimate the pain . It hurts so much, I understand. </ P>
But... The positive side of giving birth is that it's physical pain. </ P>
Which means, the pain will disappear.
6-7 weeks later, your vagina will be meeting again,
You will forget it. You will walk and your thumb hit,
"Ouch! My thumb!" "How with your vagina?" </ P>
"Persetan, jempolku sakit!"
Physical pain is the best pain you can expect.
I used to play boxing, and my eyes turned blue and hurt
head. But after two days the pain disappeared. </ P>
I did not compare boxing with your box,
I just said,
That physical pain will disappear.
Because when you give birth, all you have to do is
Lean and focus. Focus on removing the human from you. </ P>
You don't need to see
What we see in that damn room! </ P>
We can't look away! </ P>
6-7 weeks later your pussy is fine, the rest of my life is a mess! </ P>
It's been 26 years, you think Al has forgotten? He doesn't forget that!
I'm afraid of approaching women to this day!
It's been 2 years, I'm afraid. I'm careful!
This...
Isn't that the worst thing you see, Al ?
It's like seeing a restaurant your favorite is on fire!
I'm there to build it again, you know...
But I won't eat there again. Fuck it.
Men are different.
It's just not like restaurants in generally, where there is a drive thru and...
The Mexicans work behind the restaurant.
Is he a good kid, Al? / Of course.
Is he a child who is smart?
He is always like that? Your father really loves you, because...
My father always said, "This kid is so stupid."
Either your father really loves you, or he
doesn't want us to know the real .
Any father would say, "This kid is so stupid."
"Do you love him?" "Of course I love him. He is my child."
"But he's so stupid."
"Really stupid."
My son is very smart. I...
I fascinated with him. He is only 2 years old and can speak Spanish and English. </ P>
That really impressed me. </ P>
I want him to learn Spanish first, because first,
He is Latin, and we live in California. So,
I want at least to understand the language in California. </ P>
Spanish is a language that is very helpful in California. </ P>
You go to the restaurant, to the car dealer,
You want to know what to say, be...
So I told my family my ex-wife, they were from Ecuador,
"Can you help me? Please speak to Spanish with her."
They answer, "No problem."
"Hey, do you want us to teach it English too?"
"Let me take care of it!"
My son was born in America, but sounds like an immigrant.
"Daddy, are you going home?"
"No dear. Jews don't will come home. "
" No, unless my agent calls me. "
And when you have children, believe in this one.
Buy your child, your baby, educational games. </ P>
The best thing you can do. </ P>
Karena mereka mulai belajar di usia yang sangat muda.
I bought my child this toy, when you hit the color,
will voice his voice.
You press yellow, the toy will sound, " Yellow! "</ P>
" Green! "</ P>
" Blue! "</ P>
But the coolest thing in is America, all games
educative has the language English and Spanish.
I changed the toy to Spanish.
Now I learn Spanish too.
How smart me!
Now, when you press it, the sound becomes,
"Amariaaa!"
"Verteee!"
"Azuuul!" </ P>
Now I can say yellow, green, and blue in Spanish. </ P>
But just like an opera singer. </ P>
Let me tell you...
A few weeks ago, I am in LA,
I want to buy yellow paint.
I go to the building shop, and,
I go in and there is a Mexican man working inside... </ p >
Inside the building shop.
So, that's a progress.
Thank you, Mr. Obama! </ P>
And...
I know he's Mexican, first because it's in LA,
Second, because when facing me he has a giant head.
Because there is no neck. He looks like...
A stone robot that if punched in the stomach will...
He turned and his name was Juan.
Juan, and there was a small flag of Mexico there.
And when I saw how they feel comfortable with the language,
I always want to try to greet him with that language.
For two reasons, first, they think I'm Mexican,
And thus, they won't try to rob me.
And second, you know...
That makes it comfortable.
And when I say in the language, I try the best
so they believe I use Mexican. </ P>
But when they reply, I screwed up.
Because I ran out of vocabulary.
So, I saw them, and I said,
And I answered, "Well then. Listen." </ P>
I hint that we must go back to English.
You are a union, stay professional.
So, I said, "I need paint."
"Si. Que collar?"
I answered, "Yellow." "Si. Mira." </ P>
And he gives gray, white, faded gray, faded white,
I answer, "Not. Not. Yellow."
"Si. Mira. Yellow."
"No, Juan. That's gray, white, faded gray, faded white. "
" No. You said Yellow. Mira. Yellow, yellow. "
" No. Not yellow-yellow. It's gray and white, Juan. "</ P>
" Yellow. Mira. Yellow. Ice. Ice. "</ P>
" I don't care what your favorite song is, I just...
"I need yellow paint." </ P>
"Si. Mira. Yellow. Ice. Ice. "</ P>
I don't know that yellow is ice in Spanish. </ P>
I don't know. </ P>
The toy doesn't say that.
So I'm in a argument with that guy.
"Bukan. Bukan es, Juan. Kuning." "Si. Mira. Kuning."
"Stop saying & apos; Mira, Jellow. & apos; This is not yellow." "Mira, Jellow, Ice." </ P>
"Stop saying Ice Yellow, I don't want Yellow Ice. That's disgusting." </ P>
"I just want yellow." < br /> "Mira, Jellow."
"Stop saying & apos; mira, jellow & apos; yellow, yellow!" "I stopped. I stopped." </ P>
"Stop!" "Then why do you keep talking!?" </ P>
"Stop!" </ P>
"Amariaaa!" </ P>
Apparently he has the same toy at home. </ P>
"Oh, jumin!" "Yalaaa!" </ P>
I want hard, I want to be hard on my child.
He is only 2 years old, so I can really be associated with him.
I want to be like my parents, but not as crazy as they are. </ P>
Karena orangtua India agak gila dengan anaknya.
I like it, and I want to be a white parent.
I like to see people skin white talking to their children.
White parents < br /> have a way of talking
with their children as if they are human.
Beautiful to be seen, right?
But I think, I can be White parents.
Because white parents underestimate many things.
They give their children many choices.
They are still children kids, they shouldn't be given a choice.
I eavesdrop, I'm at the Mall one day,
I see white women in the foodcourt and he said with his 5-year-old daughter,
"Honey, you want to eat what night with what?"
The boy replied, "I don't know."
"Alright. If you already know, tell Mother
and let Mom make it for you, okay?"
"I love you."
He asked 5-year-olds, what they want to eat.
No, "Do you want this? Or this?"
He could have answered, "I want shoes. I want a pair of shoes!" </ P>
"Should I cook a pair of shoes?" </ P>
I can't even digest, like...
I grew up in an immigrant's house, so I can tell you something.
At the immigrant's house, Mother did not do,
No there is dinner for adults and dinner for children.
Mother doesn't care what children like.
Mother doesn't cook for children, Mother cooks for Dad.
Whatever your father likes, is what you eat.
That's how it works.
Whatever your father likes, that's what you eat .
And it turns out my dad likes Moltin hotplate of lava,
I am 5 years old and my fart is issuing fire.
They call me Dragon's butt in school. </ P>
But white parents explain many things to their children. </ P>
Right. They set aside time for that. </ P>
That's good. </ P>
Indian parents, they are the worst. </ P>
If they don't want you do something, they will...
Compose stories that are very crazy,
As an excuse that you don't do that,
And scare you so you don't /> thinking of doing it.
And you don't think your parents made it up,
"They can't make it up."
"That must happen."
I gave an example, I grew up outside tranal, a small town called Brampton,
"B-Town, Represent!"
I...
And, I grew up in this complex, drive way connected to this complex,
And the edge of this drive way is highway, where the car can pass.
We certainly don't play on the street highway, we play on the drive way.
For obvious reasons.
And this white woman said to her child not to play on the highway.
"Honey.... I don't want you playing on the highway. " "Why?" </ P>
"Because it's not safe." "Then?" </ P>
"You can get hurt." </ P>
"I don't care. "
" But I care. " " Continue? "
"If you get hurt, Mama will be sad. Do you want Mama to be sad?"
"No."
"Then be a good child and play on the drive way. " "Okay." </ P>
"I love you." </ P>
Very good, he explained it to the child. He
tells why the child can't do it. </ P>
He gives consequences, what will happen. </ P>
He gets information what needed not to play on the highway.
And you know? He doesn't play on the highway.
Not with my father.
This is how my father told me.
"Russell!"
"Don't play on the highway, you can get hit and your body splatter!"
It's not that I might get hit by a car, instead I WILL get hit by a car,
Actually there is only one car in my complex,
And I will get hit by that, and my body will scatter.
How are your bodies scattered?
When I was a kid, I thought I was made from Lego because my body would scatter!
They scared you away so didn't do something.
I don't have a tattoo, I think that because my dad scared me.
"If you have a tattoo, you will know."
"You can get hepatitis."
"Do you want to get hepatitis?" "No."
"Then don't make a tattoo."
You have a tattoo, Al?
No? Do you know why?
Because you are from a generation, I don't say I am from your generation,
But my generation follows your generation a little,
Your generation, am I lying?
When I was a kid, the only person who had a tattoo was...
Old white man and he have a messy anchor on his arm,
It doesn't even look like an anchor,
It's more like a check mark, understand what I mean?
As if he washed it with waves and...
When I was a kid, tattoo meant something. </ P>
Now, that doesn't mean anything. Everyone has it. </ P>
It doesn't mean anything to me now. </ P>
"Why did you make a tattoo?" "That is to express my individuality." </ P>
"No."
"You're an idiot. That's why. And you decide to be people."
When I'm a kid, I'm used to seeing someone and being able to guess...
What tattoo does he have, where it is, and what kind of person he is.
For example, when you see someone with a tattoo on the neck, you say,
"He's a crazy bastard."
There's a crazy thing on his neck, FTW, Fuck the World.
And then there's a water tattoo eyes on his cheeks.
"What do those tears mean?" "I killed the bastard."
"And I can't shed tears." </ p >
"Don't go away from me."
Now, it's not important where the tattoo is.
You can find Emo's child with tight pants, and...
Tattoo "Life Is Difficult" on his neck.
Real tears flow from his eyes,
"Why are you crying?" > "It's sick!" </ P>
Orang-orang menggila, mereka menato seluruh lengannya sekarang.
"I have an arm tattoo." It's cool, now.
In 10 years, you will regret it.
You won't be able to lift arm your shirt for the rest of your life.
Sorry, Lebanese people!
"Don't worry, man. I look sexy."
You have something... I saw your tattoo, baby.
You look sad when I say about tattoo.
What image on your arm? < br /> What picture?
Picture of beams and written, "High dream, hard work."
When you say it fast, do you realize how ridiculous it is?
I just said maybe because it is
tattoo, you have to say it tight.
You have 5 tattoos? What is first? </ P>
Kau punya satu di punggung?
What is that picture?
What?
Not beam?
What is on your back or in the pelvis? Where?
p>
You should make it on the flank, and write,
"I gotta put a base club."
What is that... Trouble club? < br /> Bass club? What? </ P>
Treble club? Are you a singer? </ P>
Or you just... You look whistling. I don't hear anything. </ P>
What is your first tattoo? </ P>
Treble club ? On your back? Good. </ P>
One day you will reflect and, "Damn." </ P>
My back is boring. </ P>
This needs soundtrack.
Women are the worst at making tattoos, because they don't think.
Women start with cute tattoos, aren't they?
"What are the toomoomu pictures?" "There are dolphins on my heels."
You have to think about the future. When you're 80 years old,
The dolphins will be get a can of tuna.
Treble club will look like tears on your butt.
Your notes will fall apart.
"It used to be heading north, now everything leads to...
" south. "
What is the writing? " Dreaaam Beeerg. "
You have to think about the future. No one thinks about aging.
When I was your age, how old were you?
19? What the hell? Even your skin isn't long enough!
At least have skin age 20 years before you screw it up!
Because, again, you're young and you never thought about the future .
I'm glad I never made a tattoo. Because
at the age of 40 your skin doesn't flex anymore. </ P>
Your skin at 40 years is like finding
your favorite panties < br /> from 5 years ago,
"Gosh, I still have it!" You pulled it and...
It's not back to normal.
And you said, "Wow, my favorite panties
are now my favorite rags. Perfect."
I saw something, but covered with shirt sleeves,
What is that picture? Besides being full of tattoo sleeves, what happened? </ P>
What is your first tattoo, Tony Tads? </ P>
What? Dragon? </ P>
Because your breath smells, or...
What is your reason for making a dragon tattoo? Obviously you are not Chinese...
You like Dragons? You know it's just a myth right?
" I like dragons. I keep some. "</ P>
And you say, " I have this dragon...
"on the other arm."
Where did your parents come from? Because obviously you're not Australian.
What? Syria?
One person clapped!
"No, no. Just now there were mosquitoes. I have to... "
You know your Syrian parents don't like your arms. </ P>
" Go home, son. We will cut your arm. "</ P>
" You look like a whore. Cut your arm. "</ P>
I see yours too, man. You don't think, don't you?
How old are you? 34?
And how long have you been you have that dragon?
5 years ago? When you were 30, didn't you?
"This arm needs a dragon."
"And I won't want to see this arm again! "
The Asian guy next to you has a tattoo, what is the dragon image?
Because it makes more sense to me.
What is the picture dragon?
Show me! Show me! </ P>
He does have a dragon tattoo! </ P>
You should draw a tank, you know? Something describing your hometown. </ P>
Like an artificial bomb bound on your arm, understand? </ P>
Even Asian men say, "They are stupid Arab men are tattooed...
"dragon." </ P>
"Hey, dragon arm!" </ P>
I just said, think about future.
Why do you have a dragon tattoo? Do you have a dragon zodiac?
Dragons are more suited to Asia. So I'm not mad you have them.
Women, women become cute with tattoos.
They always show it.
There is a woman on my show, and she says, "I
have here, here, and on my back."
I answer , "I have something on my back too, but I..."
"I shaved it." </ P>
"What image on your back?" He answer,
"Bible Verse. There are bible verses all over my back."
He has a bible verse written all over his back.
Who is it for?!
The man who fucked her!
I don't know about you, but the first time I fucked this girl,
Aku tidak ingin membaliknya dan Alkitab itu memelototiku!
"Yes, dear. Turn around. What the hell!?"
"Oh my, I'll come out! Give your face!"
"Why are you going out on my face? " "Because
I don't want to spur on Jesus!" </ P>
Turn around, my mother sits there, and...
I just did it . I'm sorry, Mother.
It's not my mother's fault that I learned these words.
She bought me educational toys.
I'm jealous of tattoos , that's my problem with tattoos.
Because...
First of all, you can't tattoo the body at the age of 40
th. You will like experiencing a middle age crisis. </ P>
You look like an idiot if you make tattoo at the age of 40.
And the other reason is, /> I'm a native Indian man.
I don't have the privilege of to make a tattoo.
What will I draw? Tigers appear between my chest hairs?
The girls will react, "Gosh, the grass looks real!"
"Megan, Megan, come here, look! It looks like 3D, HD...
" Gosh! It feels like real grass! "</ P>
How old are you, kid? You look young. </ P>
15 years? It's an awkward age, isn't it? </ P>
And don't put on a tattoo, you're only 15 years old. </ P>
Don't do anything that girl did at the age of 15...
She was 19 year, so I don't know when you installed the treble club.
How old are you when installing the treble club tattoo?
"Del... eight year. "
In one year, he had 5 tattoos. There was no respect for his body.
You look like a good skin brown, don't...
Don't confuse this, you know?
You're 15 years old, you're in a wet dream, Enjoy it.
It's okay, man. We've all experienced it.
Who came with you? What is your father?
Your uncle? Hey, Uncle. How old are you? </ P>
34? You know what I mean, Uncle. </ P>
15 years is a time...
That's it. That's what you did at the age of 15.
Hey, what's your name, man? Sorry? </ P>
Shahan? Shahan. </ P>
Shahan, Shaha, Shahan, Shaha. </ P>
Shahan...
When you masturbate...
I want You know, there's nothing wrong with you.
Enjoy. Remember, Uncle?
15 years...
Even in your 20s, as a man you can masturbate 8 times a night.
Those were extraordinary times.
I mean... You don't do it well, but you succeed. </ P>
But, don't try this tonight. Don't...
Don't get carried away. That's my message. </ P>
It's never ending for men, Shahan. You'll always be...
As long as you have hands...
For the rest...
Look at Al! 62 years. </ P>
You still do it until now, Al. Don't lie to me. </ P>
Not as often as I used to, I mean, maybe... maybe once a month.
But whatever it is, you have to empty your pipe.
You know when does it slow down?
Uncle, your age 34, you don't know this yet. But
after 40 years, when starts slowing down.
That's when you have to make a decision in life.
You'll still do it, but not with the same frequency.
It's not fun anymore as before.
Like, like tonight. I'll give you an example.
If I can't pair tonight after this event,
I don't care. I'll go back to my hotel,
Open my laptop, set video porn,
Masturbate and go to sleep like a real man.
The problem is...
After the age of 40, your wrist exhausted.
You know how many times I spend the night put a laptop on my chest,
And I fall asleep holding my cock?
And the only reason I woke up because the heat of the laptop burned my chest.
"I'm fiery!"
I grew up...
Like immigrants.
Even though I'm not an immigrant in Canada, feels like an immigrant.
And then I moved to the US 7 years ago,
and eventually become real immigrants.
Very awkward.
You know, being a Canadian living in America,
3 Canadians? Good.
One Canadian flag? Good.
Raise it high, we will < > highlight it. Do you want it to appear on DVD? </ P>
That's how it seems. That's our flag. </ P>
A leaf. </ P>
Symbols for strength and...
Miscarriage. </ P>
More immigrant experiences /> than you think.
You have to give your parents confirmation that they are from another city,
To hear anything they want,
Because they really < br /> take the opportunity, you know?
My parents left India in 1965, and they moved to Terrano,
Where I was born and raised by wolf.
And I don't know how thick the accent is My father, when he moved to Canada,
But the accent never melts...
In 40 years. That's not fair. </ P>
My father has a disability to say anything in an accent. </ P>
Whatever. It doesn't matter what.
And not words that immigrants often use,
My father has a chaotic voice.
One day, my father's car broke down and he said,
"Son, the car broke down."
I said, "What happened?"
"I don't know."
"Well, what's wrong with the car?" </ P>
"If I knew, I would have been a mechanic." </ P>
"What is a mechanic?" </ P>
"Bastard who repaired the car! "
" Oh, I think you mean mechanics. "
" Don't be stupid. There is no letter K in it. "
That's how you can find out Indians or not,
based on the number of fingers used to point to. </ P>
I was born in North America, one finger.
You, you, you.
Indians, 4 fingers to point to one thing.
"Look. Look at this bastard. Look. Look at everything. Look, look! "
In India, this is considered reasonable.
Because there are so many people there, you can't point to one thing.
"Where is he?" "There, there!"
"I don't know, you pointed at 4 things now."
"There, there!" "Stop saying there!"
"Where? There!" Stop saying there! "</ P>
" Where? In the crowd. </ P>
"Particles of a group of people . "
They say that makes sense in India,
but it doesn't make sense if it's outside India.
For example , last year I went to India to visit my uncle in Bombay
Go to his apartment, and...
"Hey, Uncle. This is a new place, You just moved? "
He answered, " Yes, boy. We shifted. "
He said to shift.
They didn't say move in Indian.
"Did you move?" "No, no, son. We shifted."
"A few years ago, we shifted to this place." </ P>
They shifted. You can't use it outside India.
Imagine you moved, and you said, "What are you doing?" </ P>
"Shift."
Stop shifting, asshole. What's wrong with you?
Shift.
But that makes sense in India, shifts, not ?
Because of the many people there, you can't move at all!
You just shifted.
"Hey, did you just move here ? " " I just shifted here, yes. "
" Just shifted. "
So I told my father, what did you do when the car broke down?
"I turned."
"You turned?"
Even on the phone, I know he did...
All your life, you will know the pose of the caller.
So, "What do you mean you turn? You created the turn? "
" I didn't create it. That turn already exists, so I turn. "
" So the turn already When you were there? "
" Of course, how can I make it? "
" Who made it? " " I don't know, but I turn. "</ P>
" So, is it made or do you make it? "</ P>
" Don't make me confused, bastard! "
If there is an angry Indian father, he says, " You bastard! "
My father called me a bastard, that doesn't make sense.
"You're an illegitimate child!" "Dad, there's no way I'm an illegitimate child,
" You're my father. "</ P>
" Really? Really? Are you there when that happens? "</ P>
He will be angry and call me a prostitute boy in front of my mother. </ P>
" Bitch! "< br /> My mother said, "Eric!"
"Not you, honey, of course."
"Sange's whore is out there, he is not your child or my son ,
"He's an illegitimate child of the whore's son! He's an illegitimate child of a prostitute!"
I know how to make it cool.
"So "Well, are you creating a turn? or the turn is already there?" </ P>
"Itu dibuat orang, aku tidak menciptakannya. Aku membuatnya."
"You can't make something that was created."
"I didn't make it. I MAKE IT."
"By extending the word & apos ; make & apos; doesn't mean you make it, yeah. "
You want to make Indians angry, says he did something illegal.
" Well, is this legal? " " Of course it's legal!
"It's legal!"
"I'm at the intersection, then turn on the penny."
"Do you work?" And this is how my father messed up his voice.
"Works well. Tatatatatatatatatata."
I said, "What noise is that?"
"My sen voice. Record it."
"Why do your sen have accents?"
"You know it's not an Indian penny, right?"
"Isn't it supposed to be..."
"That's what I mean. What did you hear? Tatatata."
"Okay. Then what happened?"
"Then I decided to turn."
"Suddenly, the engine..."
"How does your machine sound?"
"Your machine sounds..."
"Let me straighten it. Your sen is silent...
" Then your machine sounds... "
" Right. "</ P>
" Well, your car is an illegal immigrant. "
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