Miss Valentine.
Miss Valentine. It's time to get up.
Good morning, Camille.
Peek-a-boo. Peek-a-boo, peek-a-boo. Peek-a-boo!
- You like? - I like.
- I don't know. - You like.
I like. Those.
I'm not sure if those are comped. Where should they bill?
- Delores? - Yes? Coming. Yes. Right here.
Delores will give you all of Cousin Barry's info.
- He's the one that handles all my money. - Okay.
Your jewelry for tonight has arrived.
Hey, Peek-a-boo! Don't chew on those Jimmy Choos.
How cute is that?
Okay, so I'm thinking old Hollywood, 1920s screen siren.
I saw a clip of the movie. So adorable.
The layers you brought to that character? So deep.
- Really? - Megan. Come on, we're friends.
- Look at me. Would I lie to you? - Megan? Don't freak, okay?
- Joe Kidd strikes again. - That dirt bag.
I was walking past the doctor's office, not out of it.
- That's a good picture of you. - I know, right?
Wow! Don't you look nice? That dress would be perfect
if we were premiering a movie called Back Door Blondes.
That whole thing to me says,
"I've got five different kind of pills in me and I don't wear panties."
And that hair looks like you plucked it off of a blow-up doll.
We talked about this.
I specifically remember
because your New Jersey screech makes my ears bleed.
Now, get out of here, Catwoman, and take your friends with you.
All right. I'm sorry I had to be a little rough with your handlers,
but that's what a good manager does.
He manages. Don't give me that pout.
- How long have we been together now? - Since I was 13.
And have I ever steered you wrong?
When you told me my period was the devil's way of saying hi.
I don't exactly think menstruation is a gift from a loving God.
I have known you ever since you were little Frances Bagley,
that fat girl who did the tap dance at the indoor swap meet.
I remember seeing you and thinking,
"Sure, she's got mousy brown hair and a snaggle tooth and an oily forehead.
"But we can do something with her."
We have made you America's Sweetheart and we're not gonna stray from that path.
Can we stray from talking animal movies?
Megan, all the greats have done talking animal movies.
You've got Clint Eastwood in Every Which Way But Loose,
Meryl Streep, Out of Africa. We are on the right track.
Just yesterday, you were named Best Actress
by the inmates at Leavenworth Penitentiary. That's a huge deal. It's a very big prison.
You know who was the runner-up? Judi Dench.
Here's the dress. This is America's Sweetheart.
This is Megan Valentine.
Cousin Barry! Thank you so much for the flowers.
I cannot believe it. It is like looking in the mirror.
I mean, we're like identical cousins.
You know, I mean, if I bleached my hair and had a big comb-over.
I mean, I've worn a bustier a couple of times.
- It's very similar. - Good Lord.
We're both wearing thongs.
- Derek! - Baby!
Gosh, what a surprise.
I thought you couldn't make it.
I had to be here to support you on your big night.
Besides, Nigel pulled some strings
and he promised the director he'd have me back in time for tomorrow's shoot.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
All right. I'll let you get that.
- Hey, Sidney. - Hey, kiddo. How's it going?
- Hey. Tell Brad I'll call him back. - We're on our way.
Hey, I wanted to talk to you about that script that you sent over the other day?
- The one about the singer? - What?
- I love it. - Barbra Streisand biopic?
You're just not right for the role.
They're looking for somebody a little bit more serious, you know?
- But, Sidney, that's... - People love you the way you are.
You're cute. You're perky.
You've got D cups. You're America's Sweetheart.
Bubele, listen to your agent. I know what you want, okay?
I'll see you at the after-party. We'll talk.
How's anyone gonna ever take me seriously
when I can't get a serious role to begin with?
Where's my Color Purple? Where's my Sling Blade?
Hey. This guy takes you seriously. All right? You're gonna do great.
You're so pretty. Yeah. You look great. Go, go. You look good. Go.
Meg! Megan!
- Megan, is it true you two are engaged? - Megan, what about the pregnancy rumor?
Hey, Derek, are you sure you're the dad? It might not be you.
I hate that Joe Kidd guy. I love you!
All right. Back off, fatty.
- What? It's my job. - I've had enough of you.
- I don't care if you do your job. - Let me see your veneers.
These are worth nothing.
Now, Derek, you have to admit your career has taken off
since you and Megan started dating.
Derek's career was well on its way
before we ever even met. I mean, he's been on the cover
- of Soap Digest four times. - Four times.
All I can say is, I'm in love. And I'm the luckiest guy in the world.
Well, there it is, ladies and gentlemen. True love alive in Hollywood.
I don't know.
Rupert, how am I gonna get myself out of this one?
The same way I got out of being neutered.
- How? - Well, actually, I didn't.
But at least I don't hump the couch anymore.
Quick, hurry. It's Dr. Munson. Hide!
Babe, it really looks like you're hiding there.
- I know, right? - It's amazing.
Yeah.
Even my fleas are scared.
- It's not fair. You just got here. - I know.
Look, we'll take a trip when I get back, all right?
Just the two of us. I'll pay half.
I'm sorry I couldn't stay to the end.
I'm just glad I got to see you shine. You were amazing tonight.
- I love you. - I know.
Okay, I got to go. Nigel will be all over me if I'm not on that plane.
- All right. Okay. Excuse me. - Okay.
Bye. Bye.
Okay, that was torture. Ten minutes in and my mind went numb.
- How do you stand hanging out with her? - I have to. It's part of the job.
I better get back out there. Time to kiss some ass.
Sidney? Am I... I am sitting down.
Keep drinking. It gets worse.
Cousin Barry? It's not possible. He just sent me flowers this morning.
More like you sent yourself flowers. We just got the bill.
He's been siphoning off money from you for years. You didn't notice?
No, I didn't notice. I don't handle the money. Barry handles the money.
Well, Barry's gone now. So is about $15 million of your money.
- I have $15 million? - Had. Had $15 million.
$15,700,000, to be exact.
Does Nigel know?
We can't get a hold of him. He must have his cell off for the premiere.
Meggie, Barry cashed out all your investments.
I don't even know if you can keep the house.
I guess I can just stay in the guest house.
- That's part of the house, kitten. - Oh, yeah.
I'm sorry. He really cleaned you out. You're broke.
Leave your name and number and maybe I'll get back to you.
Nigel, pick up the phone.
Where the hell are you? I've been trying to call you all night.
- Hello? - Hey, Jinny. It's Megan.
- Your little sister? - Megan. It's after midnight here.
Mark's asleep and the kids are all down.
I just really wanted to hear your voice.
I haven't heard from you in months
and out of the blue you call me in the middle of the night?
I'm sorry, Megan. We're not all on Hollywood time.
Nigel?
Nigel!
Nigel, where have you been? I have been calling you... Nigel?
- Derek? - Hey.
Megan! Wait! Just, come on. Hey, it's not what I think you know it is.
Baby! Megan! Megan.
Why?
Nigel said being with you would help out my career. I'm sorry.
Come on. Friends? Meggers.
- It was a character study. - You were great tonight!
Miss Valentine. Miss Valentine? Miss Valentine?
- God? - No, ma'am.
This is GuideStart, your global positioning satellite system.
- Hi, Mr. Start. - Miss Valentine, are you all right?
No. My boyfriend's gay!
- Can you tell me if you've been hurt? - Well, of course I've been hurt.
He told me that he loved me. And I don't even have a house anymore.
I don't know what I did to deserve this, Mr. Start.
I'm a really good person. I give to charity... I think.
The authorities have been notified.
Someone will be there to assist you momentarily.
They'll be there any minute, Miss Valentine. Sit tight and remain calm.
This is not good. I gotta go.
Miss Valentine? Miss Valentine, are you there?
Miss Valentine?
- Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you can't sleep here. - Can I use your bathroom?
I promise I'm not homeless. Well, actually, I am homeless.
- But I really got to go to the bathroom. - Of course, ma'am.
There's strong and then there's Army strong.
So join us and experience what it takes to be a soldier.
- Loyalty, duty, respect, selfless service... - I bet that gives you really good glutes.
- The Army's might is not in its numbers. - Cute outfit.
It's in the character of its individuals.
- I am an American soldier. - Please, have a seat.
I will never...
- Thank you. - Yeah.
- I will be all I can be. - Or be what everybody else wants you to be.
- Having some troubles, ma'am? - I have no control over my life.
Well, maybe you need to step away from it. Get some perspective.
- You're right. - Yeah, you need to see what you're made of.
You're right. I need that.
...and that who you are will become better than who you were.
Being a soldier isn't a walk down the red carpet, ma'am.
- You can't just decide... - Don't tell me what to do.
Please. Not you, too. I really need this.
I have a contract right here, Miss Valentine.
Are you telling me a Hollywood actress really wants to join the United States Army?
Yeah.
Are you ready to embrace the core values that the Army holds dear?
Loyalty, duty, respect, honor, integrity and courage?
- It's like you're totally reading my mind. - Are you ready to take an oath
and become a member of the United States Army?
Yes.
- Are you ready to be Army strong? - Yes, sir!
- I think the girl next to me is dead. - What?
I think the girl next to me is dead. She looks a lot like Megan Valentine.
- That girl from the talking dog movie? - She should be dead.
Am I in coach? Am I in coach?
- Oh, my God. It is Megan Valentine. - Why are you looking at me like that?
I'm from a trailer park in Missouri. The only celebrity I've ever met was
when Ronald McDonald showed up at the mall.
You're freaking me out. Will you sign my face?
What the hell are you doing here?
What, are you researching a role or something?
- No. - So you're actually telling us
that you joined the Army?
Wow! You must have had one messed up night. God, I miss those.
Recruits. Army Senior Drill Sarge, Sergeant Mills Evans.
You've arrived at Fort Jackson. You will not speak unless spoken to.
You will obey each word I say.
When I say go, you will exit
and immediately place your feet on the yellow footprint formation.
Go, go, go, go! Move, move, move, move!
Get your bags and go. Move, move, move, move!
- Come on! - You forget something for a dance tonight?
Get off my bus. Move, move!
- Okay. Okay. - Get off my bus.
Let's go! Move it!
Princess Buttercup. Move your feet. Move your feet, Petunia.
- Hey, say it, don't spray it. - Move, move, move. Move those feet.
Move, move, move!
Yes.
You better get your S-H-l-T consolidated ASAP
or you will be SOL PDQ. Do you understand me?
- No. I have no idea what he just said. - This is not a slumber party.
- Get your game face on! - This is so not my vibe.
What happened to, like, the cute little rock climbing outfits and the sisterhood?
You will stand at attention! Put your bag down!
- Shoulders back! Eyes front! - Look at me!
Now, when I address you,
your response to me will be, "Yes, Drill Sergeant."
Do you understand?
Why didn't you tell me my mascara was running?
- Now say it like you got a pair. - Yes, Drill Sergeant.
- Here. This will take the edge off. - What do you think this is, a rehab facility?
I don't do drugs! My body's a temple!
Did you think that bus was going to a Phish concert? Put that away!
Now, listen up. This is your First Sergeant, Louisa Morley.
She'll be overseeing your training here at Fort Jackson.
You will address her as First Sergeant.
Certainly have hit a new low, haven't we, Sergeant Evans?
Yes, First Sergeant.
- Name, soldier. - Jeter, First Sergeant.
Don't I know you?
Proudly served as sergeant at Fort Benning.
Traded my stripes in for marriage. That fell through.
Came back for the love of my country, First Sergeant!
A woman scorned is a good soldier. Welcome back, Private Jeter.
- What's your name? - Ma'am, Petrovich, ma'am.
"Ma'am"? I worked hard for my rank, Private. You will address me as First Sergeant.
- Are we clear? - Yes, First Sergeant.
Are you about to cry? Ain't no crying in the Army, baby girl.
'Cause I ain't got time to be changing no diapers. Are we clear?
Yes, First Sergeant.
- Did I just catch you eyeballing me? - No, First Sergeant.
Am I attractive to you? 'Cause I'll only break your heart, sweetheart.
- Name, soldier. - Private Castillo, First Sergeant.
What are you? Huh? You some kind of gangbanger?
What you gonna do? What, you gonna cut me, mommy?
Is that what you gonna do? You gonna cut me?
- No, First Sergeant. - I got my eye on you, Casti-ho.
This is the United States Army. We will tolerate nothing but...
Excuse me? Excuse me? Hi.
This is really embarrassing. Sorry to interrupt, but I'm Megan Valentine.
- The actress? - Hey.
See, this really isn't what I was picturing
when the recruitery guy was telling me about me finding myself.
Really? Well, come on over here a second, sweetheart.
- But first, who are you wearing? - Dolce & Gabbana.
- Stunning. Stunning. - Thanks.
It looks like we've got ourself a special visitor today. Megan Valentine.
Why don't we all give her a round of applause? Come on!
Come on. No, you all can do better than that.
- Let's hear it for Megan Valentine. - Hi.
Let's hear it for Megan. She's just pretty as a peach.
Thank you. Between us girls,
I need a bath, a phone and, like, 20 hours of sleep.
Do you know any cute, like, B and B's around here?
- Let me think. Bed and breakfast? - Yeah.
Nearby. And you'll probably need a ride too, huh?
- You're a doll. - Well, then by all means,
let me ride you, Miss Daisy. Drop and give me 10.
- Ten what? - Ten push-ups. Drop and give me 10!
Will you hold my bag? Thanks.
I think I wanna take the scenic route, Evans.
My grandmother can do a better push-up than that.
Off your knees. This isn't the Girl Scouts! Now, down. I said, feet back. Down!
- I'm trying. - Up! Down.
Up. Down. Hold it when I say down.
Down. Up. Down. Up.
- Get up, Hollywood! Get up! - Okay.
As you can see, I'm a huge fan. Really, I am.
But we just seem to have a teeny weeny problem here.
You see right here? Like the VIP, girlfriend, you on the list.
So as long as your name is on my list, you're not going anywhere.
Fall in for processing. There you go, cuteness.
Hey, this is Sidney. Call me on the cell, call me at the office,
I'm always open.
Sidney, it's me. I made a mistake. I need your help.
I crashed my car and now I'm at the Army and everyone's yelling at me.
Come on, you know how much that tube of eye cream goes for?
No, not the Libra. I have been on a waiting list.
These are on loan.
One size fits all? Am I being Punk'd?
C-D-N-K...
That's so wrong.
I don't wear underwear.
When is this gonna end?
This is just the beginning!
Gosh. Where's my room?
These sheets better have a decent thread count.
Can you believe that? She just sees a tattoo
and just assumes I'm in a gang or something.
- I hate that I let her make me cry. - Thank God.
Attention, ladies. It's 5:00 a.m. Time to fall in for duty.
Let's go. Let's go. Rise and shine, ladies. Move it, move it, move it!
Let's go.
Private Valentine?
Move it, Hollywood.
I wanna be an airborne ranger
Living on blood and guts and danger
I wanna be an airborne ranger
Living on blood and guts and danger
I think I'm gonna die. I want my mommy.
Weren't you just on the cover of some fitness magazine?
Yeah. I don't work out. I have a high metabolism.
What? You look like that without working out?
- It's really hard for me to gain weight. - Yeah, whatever.
Before I cry you a river, tell me, why are you really here, Valentine?
I needed to get away from my life for a little bit.
And that recruiter was so hot.
And his voice was so soothing. I made a mistake.
Let's go, soldiers! Move, move, move, move!
- My grandmother runs faster than that. - Who's your grandma, Derek Jeter?
Private, you had better pull it together fast or you are never gonna make it through this.
That's just it. I don't wanna make it through.
I changed my mind. It was an impulse purchase.
Well, you bought yourself quite a challenge.
Move it! Come on, get over here!
Sidney!
Sidney, it's me. I made a mistake. I need your help.
I crashed my car and now I'm at the Army and everyone's yelling at me.
- She crashed her car and went to Armani? - Why would anyone yell at her at Armani?
I had the operator trace the call. It came from a Fort Jackson.
The Army base?
I need your help. I crashed my car and now I'm at the Army
and everyone's yelling... ...the Army and everyone's yelling at me.
These Army guys, I know how to handle them.
And their intimidation tactics. This, all for looks.
Sit.
- Gentlemen, we've located your girl. - I'm just glad we found her.
"Major movie star missing." Try explaining that one.
- Sidney? - Oh, my God!
What did you people do to my star? Honey, what happened?
You gave her a gun? It's not loaded, is it?
- There was gunfire and mud and running. - She hates running.
- They tried to kill me. - Who?
- Who, sweetheart? Who tried to kill you? - The ones in the camouflage.
Well, that's it. Let's go. We're getting you out of here.
She signed a binding US Government contract, gentlemen.
She was in a car accident. She was in shock.
Post-traumatic stress. She had a concussion.
What he said, I was concussed.
Sir, it is my opinion that Private Valentine does not belong here.
Come on. She's an actress. She's insecure, yet full of herself.
That's what makes her so impressionable.
If she had walked into a circus tent,
she'd be in a leotard, juggling poodles right now.
She did not walk into a circus tent, Mr. Green.
She walked into an Army recruiting office. I don't care who she is.
Megan Valentine is now property of the United States Army.
All right. Well, let's do this. Name your price.
MPs? Remove this George Hamilton wannabe.
- What's happening? Sidney! - I'll be back for you.
- Meanwhile, work on your abs! - Don't leave me here!
I don't belong with these people.
They're from trailer parks and gangs and they all ride coach.
I will never survive. My roots are already growing in.
I'm going.
- No, no... - Don't you hurt me.
- Worm. - I'm an attorney.
- I'm staying? - Sir, she is not fit to be a soldier.
- Her very presence is a distraction. - Enlistment is down, Sergeant.
We cannot afford to have a celebrity go AWOL
and trash the Army all over the press.
For now, she stays. Big Mo, you come.
Sir.
Move out, Valentine. Move out!
- Okay, okay. - Move!
Keep going. Don't stop till you get over there.
Let's go, Valentine.
Get over the obstacle. Let's go. This is easy.
I did it again.
Get up there. Get up there and do it again.
So I said it's like pulling keys out of a monkey's ass.
Don't even think about it.
Thanks. That Jeter's a hug waiting to happen.
- You put soy sauce on eggs, too? - Yeah, it's the Japanese ketchup. Right?
- Pretty much. - Hamamori, this is Megan Valentine.
- I'm sure you've seen some of her movies. - Just on an airplane, but yes.
Well, I've seen all your movies. In the theater. Twice.
- Thanks. - So, you're an actress. That must be fun.
Everybody in my family's in the military.
- Is that what you wanna do? - Oh, no.
I wanna grow medical marijuana to help people.
Taking some of the power away from the drug companies,
all the while reducing my own personal carbon emissions.
Sounds like a plan.
- I like to help, too. I give to charity. - Good for you.
Aren't you dating Derek O'Grady, that Greenpeace guy?
- We broke up. - That blows.
- What happened? - I don't know.
Last thing he said was, if he didn't make his plane,
my manager would be all over him.
Guess he didn't make his plane.
Today Sergeant Evans will instruct you on how to fire your rifle.
- What's the first rule we've learned? - Never be without your rifle, First Sergeant.
- What is it? - Never be without your rifle, First Sergeant.
Private Valentine, where is your rifle?
Rifle said he needed time apart. It wasn't me. He just needed his space.
Sergeant Evans, run the platoon three miles back to the mess
- to retrieve Valentine's rifle. - Yes, First Sergeant.
Now, fall out. Give me a formation!
Sorry. Normally I have an assistant to take care of stuff like that.
Give me a break.
I swear, Valentine, when we find your rifle, I'm gonna staple it to your head.
Halt! Halt! Halt! What now, Valentine?
I really... I really have to go. Number...
I see.
Valentine needs to lay some cable.
And probably gonna need a little tissue, too, right?
- Thank you. - Well, you just go right over there.
- Take your sweet little time, okay? - Okay.
- We'll be right here waiting. - Okay, okay.
Valentine? When you get back, three more miles for everyone.
Go. Go.
Two steps forward.
Right foot crosses behind the left. Sit down. Aim. Fire.
Now, lock and load.
Sorry.
You could be court-martialed for that, Private. Get up!
- Off my firing platform. - Sorry.
Come on now. I ain't got all day. Move it, move it, move it.
Come on, Hollywood.
- Disgraceful. Lazy bum. - Please. Somebody call my stunt double.
- She lives for this stuff. - Hollywood!
You just earned three miles for everyone.
Valentine, I don't wanna feed into stereotypes,
but I don't swim, and this is more water than I can drink, so move it.
- Jeter, show them how it's done. - No problem, First Sergeant.
- All right. - Come on, Jeter.
- Oh, my God.
- Who's a hero? Who's a hero? - Oh, my God. Why did you do that?
A mosquito was piercing through your helmet.
You should be thanking me.
- Well, thank you, bitch. - No!
All right, Private.
Who you leaving now, asshole? Who you leaving now?
- He's dead, Jeter. - Who're you...
He's dead.
- Let's see what you've got, Valentine. - I'm sorry. What's my motivation?
That's it. That's it.
What... What are you doing, Valentine? Are you trying to force a discharge?
No.
Drop and give me 20. Everybody! Right now!
- What? Now everyone here hates me? - That's just it, Valentine.
There's 30 of us here and all we keep hearing about is you.
It's not only about you.
- Valentine. - What?
- Listen up, poopy-pants. - This is gonna be good.
Now, I don't give a shit who you are or why you're here.
But I gave up my rank as sergeant to make the worst mistake of my life.
So I'm here to get my stripes back.
But if I have to run one more extra mile or do one more extra push-up,
because your lazy, pampered ass can't keep up,
you're gonna have to answer to these.
Look at this. Look at this bed. See this? We're all gonna end up paying for that.
Because Miss "I Wish I Was Glenn Close" can't make her bed.
Well, tonight, when you're sleeping in those steel wool linens,
keep one eye open.
I'm sorry, okay? I told you guys, I don't wanna be here.
You know what? Save it.
Meanie.
Come on, last turn.
- Twenty-four. - Twenty-five.
- Twenty-six. - Twenty-seven.
- Valentine! - What?
I see the air force looking at me
I told you guys, I am not a soldier. I'm an actress. I am America's Sweetheart.
Right now you're America's pain in the ass.
Valentine. Valentine!
- Are you all right? - Thank you, Sergeant.
Hey, that whole yelling thing, that's just a part of the job, right?
I mean, you're not like that at home or anything, are you?
I don't do heights.
Yeah, okay, if I'm gonna be up that high, I'm gonna need to be on something.
- Where's Hamamori? - Hey. Medicinal purposes.
Okay, guys, this is fine. We just take step by step. Level by level.
- We can do this. - We can work as a team.
The point is to get to the top, not to talk around the bottom.
Let's go, Valentine. Move!
- All right, let's go, princess. - Get there. Good job.
- Valentine. I swear... I swear to God. - Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
- That was fun. - Yeah, for you. Your ass was in my face.
Disgraceful, Castillo.
I so wish I was in a gang right now so I could... I could shank her.
There's something about her that's so familiar to me.
My heart is beating outside my chest. Castillo, you're the doctor. Put it back in.
- You're a doctor? - Are you talking to me?
- Is she talking to me? - Castillo.
No, no, no. She can't afford medical school. That's why she's here.
Military's gonna help her pay.
So is that why you're here, Petrovich? To go to college?
No. My brother Paul died serving in Afghanistan.
I'm here for him. I wanna make him proud.
I did that?
Platoon! What is the most important rule of field combat?
Never be without your rifle, First Sergeant!
- What is it? - Never be without your rifle, First Sergeant!
Hollywood!
- I will never be without my rifle. - I will never be without my rifle.
- You will what? - I will never be without my rifle.
- I can't hear you. - I will never be without my rifle.
- Little bit louder. - I will never be without my rifle.
- There you go. - I can't. I can't...
You're a disgrace, Valentine. Get up!
You mark my words. You will let these people down.
Private Valentine, you're dismissed. Move out!
You will all do 10 more minutes to make up for Valentine's failure.
- Can I ask you something, Valentine? - Lf you promise not to yell it.
You have the kind of success that other people can only dream about.
But you approach everything you do like you're gonna fail. I don't get that.
- I'm not you and I'm not your grandmother. - It's just a figure of speech.
My grandmother lives in a retirement home down in Florida.
And the truth is I almost didn't make it through Basic.
When your dad's a General, you stick out a little.
Actually, a lot. It becomes a sport. Who can break the General's kid?
But you made it. Good for you.
It's been this sergeant's experience that every soldier that makes it through
ends up finding they have much more inside themselves
than they ever thought possible.
- You think that's true for me? - No.
Yes. I do.
I will never be without my rifle.
- I can't hear you. You what? - I will never be without my rifle.
I will never be without my rifle.
- I need it a little bit louder. - I will never be without my rifle.
Private Valentine. You were dismissed.
First Sergeant, dismissed decided to not let her platoon down.
- You owe me one, Valentine. - Yes, First Sergeant.
- I will never be without my rifle. - I will never be without my rifle.
- One more time. - I will never be without my rifle.
You what?
- Twenty-four. - Twenty-five.
- Twenty-six. - Twenty-seven.
Twenty-eight.
I'm adjusting your strike.
- Don't hurt yourself, Valentine. - Okay. You're driving me crazy.
- Move over. This goes over... - No, no. Castillo.
Castillo, I can do it on my own.
- Nice to see you relaxing, Jeter. - 298, 299...
- Just finished 300 Kegels, First Sergeant. - Kegels? 300?
- Well, then by all means, at ease, Private. - Shake it off. Shake it off.
Aside from Jeter,
this is the worst excuse for a platoon these gorgeous eyes have ever seen.
What the hell is that?
Whose rifle is this?
It's mine, First Sergeant.
Hollywood, what is your rifle doing out of the rack?
Rifle wanted to cuddle, First Sergeant. We made up.
Getting cute again, Valentine? Well, let me tell you what I think is cute.
You on the floor with a toothbrush scrubbing down the filthy latrine.
That'll be one clean, mean, fighting latrine, First Sergeant.
It better be.
Why did you do that?
I can't stand it when she treats you like that.
I know. I can't help it.
Something happens and I just freeze. I don't know what to do.
Who's the toughest, meanest, craziest person you can think of?
- Joe Pesci? - Perfect.
So next time she comes up to you like that, all you have to do is channel Pesci.
- You wanna try it? - Yeah.
Okay.
Baby girl, you gonna cry? Huh? You gonna cry? You gonna cry?
No, no, no. Don't cry. Don't cry. You're not supposed to cry.
- What would Pesci do? - I don't know.
This is what Pesci would do.
Do I look like a fricking clown to you? Do I amuse you?
- Try it. - Okay.
Do I look like a clown to you? Do I amuse you?
What are you laughing at?
You'll get it. Just keep practicing. Ladies, I have a latrine to clean.
What are you looking at?
- That was cool what you did for Petrovich. - Thanks.
- Hey, Johnson, can I ask you something? - Do I have a choice?
- You really couldn't get a job? - I can get a job, just not a good one.
Technology is changing every day and I need to go back to school
and, of course, I can't afford it. Times are tough.
But the military's gonna give me a job, train me in my field.
And, damn it, I will make a better life for me and my daughter.
Daughter?
Yeah.
My family really helped me out after her father died. All this is for her.
I have a niece about the same age. I don't really know her, though.
My sister and I kind of drifted apart when my whole acting career started.
It's like we live in different worlds now, you know.
Family's too important to let it slip away, Valentine.
If I can get away just once just to be with my daughter, I'd jump on it.
'Cause in the end, they're all you've got.
Why are you being like this?
You know that they just give us a 10-minute card.
Ray. Ray?
- You all right? - Yeah, I'm fine.
Come on.
It's just my stupid boyfriend, Ray.
He knows that I'm here for med school. Yet, every time I talk to him,
he keeps telling me that he doesn't know if he could wait
and how all these hot girls are hitting on him all the time.
At least they're girls.
Never mind.
Listen, Castillo. You need to take a good look at yourself in the mirror.
You're hot. And medical school, to boot?
If he wants all of this, he needs to straighten up and fly right.
Here. Take mine.
Call Ray and tell him that he's lucky to have you.
'Cause he is.
"Dear Delores.
"Let me start by saying thank you for the great job you do.
"I never realized how hard it is taking care of me.
"If you wouldn't mind, I would love some help
"with a little investigating. Can you google Louisa Morley?"
Here you go. Johnson. Two for you, sweetheart.
Petrovich. One for you, baby girl.
And Valentine.
- Fan mail. - Take it to the contraband room.
Castillo.
- Sorry, Jeter. - That's okay.
- Next time. - Sure, sure.
- There she is. It's her. - There she is. She's over here.
- Megan. - Look at this nonsense.
What's going on?
I am. I'm surprised it took them this long.
Joe Kidd, paparazzo.
You ever have a little something you wanna share,
or any information about Miss Valentine, you call me.
I think I just threw up in my mouth.
- That's for personal use. - Worm. Move out.
The platoon is becoming a sideshow, Captain.
It's unacceptable.
This sideshow is getting the Army some of the best publicity it has had in years.
She doesn't belong here, Captain. The girl smiles when she salutes.
She's affecting morale.
I'll attend training tomorrow and make that determination for myself.
Sir.
Let's go, Valentine. I wanna see you go up and over.
Hit the ground, Valentine. Hit the ground.
That's right, girls. Get front. Let's see you go.
Come on. Don't give up now, Valentine. Go. Move, move, move.
Keep going.
Up and over, up and over. Nice work.
Come on, soldier. Come on, soldier. Come on, soldier.
Jeter's four packs ahead of you, Valentine.
You gonna let her win? Now, let's move. Get up that pole.
I got this.
- You can do it. - Come on, Valentine.
Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, my gosh. - Good job.
Come on, go!
I mean, she's really good.
- Good job! - Oh, my God.
We got this, soldier.
Oh, no. Is she taking all four?
- Valentine. - She got all four bags.
We're going to win.
Oh, my God.
Damn.
It doesn't look like Private Valentine is upsetting morale, does it?
No, sir.
How on Earth did you do that, Private Valentine?
This private's first film role was that of a stripper with a heart of gold, sir.
Nice work, Private Valentine.
Thanks.
Carry on.
Guess if I were a whore, I could have carried more.
Loser.
Playboy mansion.
You wish.
I got that information for you.
Did you see Morley's face when you came off that pole?
She was like...
You made it look so easy, too.
Easy? I trained with the girls from Body Shots in LA for three weeks,
and trust me, ladies, that is a workout.
You wanna know what my favorite movie of yours is, Valentine?
It's the one where you play the disco queen,
and you're traveling through time searching for your magical disco ball.
That's funny. And the dance sequence in the end was so good.
I have the soundtrack. Will you teach me?
I can't. I'm shy. Let's go.
- Wait a minute. - No way.
Ready?
Okay, I have to try this.
Oh, yeah.
- Come on, Johnson. - I don't dance.
How can you not dance?
Because I'm black, I'm supposed to know how to dance?
Yeah. Come on, you know you wanna spank it.
Now, what is this?
Now, why wasn't I invited? I love to dance, too.
This is contraband and it's illegal. So, congratulations, Hollywood.
You just won a three-mile run for you, and all your backup dancers.
What's the matter? You can't hack it?
You gonna cry, baby girl?
You gonna cry?
Do I look like I'm gonna cry to you, First Sergeant?
I guess not.
Sergeant Bivens, fall them out.
I can't seem to do a thing right
Screw it up with all my might
- Made my platoon mates have to pay - Made my platoon mates have to pay
- For all my pampered princess ways - For all my pampered princess ways
- I'm a... - I'm a...
- Screw up - Screw up
Jiminy Cricket! Stop grinding your damn teeth.
Petrovich, did you just cuss?
- I'm a little emotional. - You're PMSing.
Me, too.
I'd make love to a fudge sundae right now.
I would slap around a jar of peanut butter.
Well, I don't know if I'd have rough sex with it,
but I sure do miss chocolate.
I know where we can get some grade-A chocolate.
Where?
Stop it.
If he barks, we're toast.
How did you know to do that?
Gotta get something out of doing a talking dog movie, right?
- Come on, ladies. - Good boy.
Nasty.
- I have the best fans. - Yes, you do.
Busted.
So you're all going down for this?
No, you...
That never happened.
How cute.
"Hi, Megan. When I grow up, I wanna be an actress, just like you."
You gotta listen to this one.
"When sometimes I'm alone all by myself at night in my cell..."
Let's just say most of my fans
are pretty much in high school or correctional facilities.
It must be great, though, having people write you letters?
Yeah, I guess. To most people, what I do is just fluff.
Well, I'm most people and I love your movies.
Okay, the movie where you played that heiress
that went to the ghetto school to try to fit in.
And you were like, "Like, oh, my God. What's up? What's up? What's up?"
- But what you do is funny. - It's not reality.
In reality, you would not have made it out of that school alive.
- No. - And if I wanted reality,
I would stay home and look at my ass in the mirror.
- When I go to a movie, I wanna laugh. - Maybe you're right.
Okay, so, Megan, I mean, cough it up.
You have everything anyone could ever possibly want.
Why are you really here?
My manager, Nigel, he found me when I pretty much had nothing.
And he told me what to wear, what to say, how to act.
Pretty much made me a star. He was like a father to me, really.
- Did he die? - No, he slept with my boyfriend.
Damn.
My cousin Barry stole all of my money.
So, I'm broke.
- Wow. - Ouch.
It's a good thing.
For the first time in my life, I'm my own person.
And I have real friends.
- You really mean that? - I promise.
- Okay. - Okay. Let's open another one.
This one is from Delores Bagoni.
That's my personal assistant.
"Megan, thank you for realizing how hard it is to take care of you.
"Sometimes, I want to slit my wrists."
God.
"I did a little investigating like you asked. I hope this is what you are looking for."
Thank you, Delores.
You're now entering the final stages of training.
At the end of next week, you will compete in a 24-hour tactical field exercise
that will employ everything you've learned during Basic.
What you're about to see is a video that highlights what you've been taught.
What you review here is crucial to your success. Good luck.
I love you, too, Chuck,
and I wanted to show you just how much.
And I wanted to give myself to you,
especially with the giant worm invasion and all.
- Sergeant Morley, what is this? - Give me that remote.
- I love you. - Need it now.
- I wanna give it to you. - I want it now.
- Yeah. I wanna give it to you like that. - Make me a woman, Chuck.
That's all of me. You're my woman now.
Give me that.
I feel like a man. Like a big man.
Did you know? Did you have something to do with this?
I swear to God, I had nothing to do with this.
Turn it off. Turn it... Stop it, stop.
What the hell?
Wow.
How did you know about Morley, Valentine?
Yeah.
I knew there was something familiar about Morley from the first time I saw her.
A little snooping around from Delores, and what do we get?
"Make me a woman, Chuck."
Hey, Hamamori, what's up?
This. This is what's up.
"According to her representatives,
"America's Sweetheart is deep undercover researching her next role,
"comically making her way through Basic Training.
"An inside source tells us the sheltered A-lister
"has struggled to adjust as she finds herself surrounded by
"what she describes as trailer trash, gang chicks and drug dealers."
- Is that what you think of us? - Of course not.
- Did you really say these things? - No.
No?
Yes, but it's not how it sounds.
Megan, I'm here trying to make something of myself.
And you go off and you call me a gangbanger?
Thanks a lot.
You know, I may not like Jeter, but at least she is who she is.
- She isn't a fake. - I changed my mind.
You are a good actress.
- You said we were friends. - We are.
I really believed you.
I really thought that you got your heart broken,
and your bank account emptied.
But no, this whole time you were just here to prepare for a stupid movie role.
- That is not true. - Save it for your manager.
That's right. He's with your boyfriend right now.
Well, you said it best right here, Valentine. "I don't belong with these people."
Private Valentine, report to the Captain's office.
On the double.
You're sprung, kid. How's that for an agent?
What do you mean?
We uncovered discrepancies in your contract.
Apparently, Sergeant First Class Harrison, now Private First Class Harrison,
in the recruiting office, forwent a few crucial steps.
You were supposed to take a physical and an aptitude test.
You don't have either one.
Bottom line, you're free to go.
And get this. They caught Barry in Amsterdam.
He's already given up information on two offshore accounts.
So, it looks like you are going to get your money back.
And you get to keep your house.
Megan.
We were so worried about you.
Are you okay? Oh, my God, you don't look okay.
Okay, here, have a seat.
- Sidney, what about the... - Do not worry.
Sidney is taking care of everything.
I told the press you were preparing for Rupert & Alice Join the Army.
They're eating it up.
All you have to worry about is looking pretty
and "How I got my army abs" in People magazine. Cover.
- Yes, People magazine. - Oh, my God, how cool.
Yes, yes, yes. No, no, no. No, no. That's not what Megan wants.
No, no, no, no, no. Let me tell you what Megan wants.
- Twenty-four. - Twenty-five.
- Twenty-six. - Twenty-seven.
We're all waiting on you, Valentine.
You didn't hear?
Private Valentine took a voluntary discharge.
I didn't think she'd quit.
- You gonna be all right? - Yeah, of course.
- Yeah? - Promise.
- Okay, I'll see you tomorrow then. - Okay.
- Okay. Sleep well. - Good night.
Good night, darling.
Peek-a-boo. Peek-a-boo, did you miss me?
Miss Valentine.
Well, why can't I get a reservation then?
Lemon, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup.
I tell you, it just cleans you right out.
Well, if you want a real workout, you've gotta try Kundalini yoga.
First things first.
Amber,
- you're fired. - What?
You can kiss my ass goodbye.
- I really didn't wanna work for you anyway. - Good for you.
You should have done that years ago. I'm almost positive she's the one
who put up those nipple shots of you on YouTube.
- She is such a little phony. - A phony?
I think I see a phony sitting right in front of me.
You are so fired.
You've gotta be kidding me. Megan, what would you do without me?
I would wear what I want and I would date straight men.
What I did I do?
- You screwed my boyfriend. - So? I didn't love him.
Nigel, get out.
Fine. You know, I was gonna dump you this week anyway,
so I guess it all just worked out fine.
Hey, Britney, how are you? How are the kids?
I'm good. I was just thinking about you.
- Morris. - Yes.
I want you to hire me a new accountant,
and I wanna sign off on every single check,
and I wanna know all the money that goes out.
Okay.
Sidney,
from this very moment, I decide what film role I take,
I decide what interview I do,
I decide who I want to be and I decide who I date.
Well, unless he's really hot.
I'm not crazy or anything.
- Am I fired? - No.
Are we clear?
I said, are we clear?
Yes, absolutely. Of course. Of course. Of course.
Good. As you were.
I'll see you guys next week, okay?
Where are you going?
To finish what I started.
Your final field training exercise is a test of all the skills you have learned.
This will also be a timed test of endurance and how you work as a team.
Your squad...
Well, if it isn't Miss Grace.
Welcome back, Hollywood.
As I was saying, your platoon will be divided into squads of five.
I will appoint a leader for each squad.
You will be given a map, coordinates, and a compass.
You will not be given any food.
You will be given MREs.
That's Meals Ready-to-Eat stashed along your route.
Now, if you don't find them,
or somebody steals them, then you don't eat.
Your squad's objective is to locate a wounded soldier, represented by a dummy.
You must then transport him
to the Emergency Field Hospital located in our Urban Warfare Center.
You will be in full combat mode until you get there.
An aggressor team will be trying to stop you.
They are some of the meanest, toughest, baddest graduates we have.
They are all awaiting Ranger training and can't wait to capture you.
Now, if what can only be called dumb luck,
and you happen to capture one of them,
your squad gets one hour deducted from your time.
Don't get happy.
This has never happened before, platoon. So don't count on it.
Any team not crossing the finish line within 24 hours,
must repeat the full exercise.
Squad leaders are
Jeter, Gableson,
Young, and Valentine.
Hey, Johnson, you, me, Castillo and Petrovich are on the Blue Team.
Great. Guess who our leader is?
You guys ready to save some dummy's ass?
We're not worried about you, Valentine.
- Congratulations. - For what?
Coming back. Finish what you started.
- Thank you, Sergeant. - And you got me as your land grader.
Sweet. What does that mean?
It means I'll be coming along with your team.
Strictly as an observer and a safety net, every step along the way.
And I can't help you.
You already have, Sergeant.
It's good to have you back, Valentine.
It's good to be back, Sergeant.
Hey, Jeter.
Good luck out there.
Precision, skill, plus an iron will doesn't need luck, movie star.
I forgot.
May the best team win.
Don't you have a mani-pedi or spray tan appointment you need to get to?
Actually,
I canceled them just to come back and challenge you.
You must be Scary Spice.
I got three words for you. Honor, pride and integrity.
Well, I've got
five words for you.
You need to get laid.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
You're going down, Army Barbie.
Due to circumstances I can control, I won't be making this journey with you.
Five, four, three, two, one.
Move out.
Wait for me, I'm coming.
Well, it looks like we're suffering for Valentine yet again.
Yeah, it looks that way.
- Come on, I came back, didn't I? - Don't do us any favors, Valentine.
Like it or not, I'm your team leader and I have something to say.
Yes, I screwed up, but you have to give me another chance.
Why? Because, Johnson, you wanna go home and see your little girl.
Castillo, if you don't go home soon, your boyfriend's gonna cheat on you.
And, Hamamori, weed doesn't grow on its own.
Petrovich? I wanna do this for your brother as much as you do.
So what do you say? Are we gonna do this?
Is the speech over?
Damn, you girls are tough. Now, move out.
Good try.
Would you look at this?
Looks like little blonde Riding Hood bought us lunch.
Anybody hungry? Help yourselves.
I'm not your Sherpa.
You can all split mine,
'cause I'm already full on determination and pride.
Double time.
I think my compass is broken.
You got that right. Give me that.
First of all, it's backwards.
Where the heck are we?
This doesn't make any sense. Valentine, let me see that map.
- I'm starving, guys. - Me, too.
I could have sworn I put it in here.
So help me God, Valentine, if you don't have that map...
- It's gone. - You're kidding, right?
- I told you she'd screw up. - Of course she screwed up.
She's a self-absorbed prima donna who only cares about herself.
Well, you don't have to be so mean, Castillo. She came back.
Please, are you speaking for the entire fan club?
Don't make her cry, Castillo.
I'm not gonna cry. I'm gonna kick your ass.
- Okay. Well, bring it on, cry baby. - I'm not gonna...
Hey! Take it easy.
Enough. Enough!
If we're gonna make it through this, we gotta work as a team.
Hamamori, you're the one who always has your hand up in those navigation classes.
Help us out.
I mean, we might be able to get to the first navigation point using dead reckoning.
Everybody got a full belly? Good.
Fitzsimmons, you're on first shift guard duty.
Berky. You're next.
Everyone gonna turn in real early
because my team leaves before first light.
We're gonna get this wounded soldier to the hospital first.
Why?
Because he's got a family at home worried sick that he's not coming back.
And the last thing his wife is thinking is that he's cheating on her
with the girl from Circuit City with the fake tits
who sold her the plasma TV screen that she bought for him for his birthday!
Lights out.
Here we go.
Jeter.
I'm starving. And I don't do bugs.
What I would give for a burrito con pollo right now.
I'd do a Number 5 with a super scoop of curly fries.
You guys and your love for processed foods.
- We should be living off of the land. - I can't eat land.
Petrovich, you brought the mosquito netting, right?
Yeah.
Who's read the book, One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish?
Well, if you haven't, you should. It's a good book.
Anyway, when my dad read it to me,
he also told me that when you pee-pee in the water, it attracts fish.
That's disturbing.
Who's gotta go?
Come on, you can do it.
Okay, top or bottom?
- Top. - Top.
Fish fry?
Okay, Castillo, start the fire.
- I don't have any matches. - Anyone?
- Hey. - You're the best sergeant ever.
But if you use them, you'll be disqualified.
And then we're gonna have to do this all over again.
Yeah, but, guys, we still gotta eat.
Okay. It'll be a little bland, but...
Sashimi anyone?
This is great.
- And who's gonna make fun of me now? - Soy sauce?
Oh, yeah. What's up?
- What's up? What's up? - Girlfriend loves soy sauce.
This is so good. But aren't we gonna be hungry again, like, in half an hour.
That's Chinese. And no offense taken.
I am so tired, you guys.
We should have found our soldier already.
I bet you Jeter has hers ball-gagged by now.
We gotta be, like, three hours behind everybody else, right?
Yeah, we're gonna have to haul ass at daylight.
- So we should probably turn it in? - Yeah.
- Hamamori, first watch? I'll clean up. - You got it.
Thanks.
- A little help here? - You're doing okay on your own, Valentine.
How much further?
We're close. I know it.
- There it is! - Finally.
We should call him Bernie.
Have you seen that movie? Weekend at Bernie's? I love that movie.
I'll rent it. Let's do this, guys.
We have about two hours to get Bernie to the hospital.
If we follow these coordinates, it's at least a five-hour hike.
Then we'll never make it.
- Maybe we can hitch a ride. - That would disqualify you.
- Can we talk to a civilian? - As long as you don't touch them.
Hot damn! Megan Valentine.
Hey, I just seen that Rupert & Me.
You owe me eight bucks.
You do a sequel,
little less dog, little more doggie style, you know what I'm saying?
Good note. Could you do something for me?
Hot damn, girl.
Would you press that button right there?
- What, that little button right there? - That little button right there.
- GuideStart. How can I help you? - I need some direction.
Where do you need to go?
I gotta get this guy Bernie to the Urban Warfare Center.
Well, hello, Miss Valentine.
Mr. Start? Hi. How are you?
- Pleasant and helpful. How are you? - I'm good. But I'm lost.
Are you referring to the Urban Warfare Center at Fort Jackson?
Yeah. That one. What's the quickest way to get there?
You'll have to double back and go to the Interstate.
Is there a quicker way to get there?
It's one mile straight through.
- Okay. Army time. Are we tough enough? - Yes.
- Are we brave enough? - Yes.
- Are we ready to kick some ass? - Yes.
- I think I'm gonna throw up. - You're in the right place for that. Let's go!
Are we dumb enough?
Enemy aggressor at 12 o'clock. Divert to side entrance.
Oh, man. Jeter.
They've won.
Not yet. We get an hour off per ranger.
Peek-a-boo.
Congratulations, Private Jeter.
You not only won the challenge but you also won the overnight pass.
You can pass that pass right on over here.
I don't believe it.
By my count, we have beat the Red Team by an hour and a half.
But you can't count.
She can't count.
Sorry, Jeter.
- Congratulations, Valentine. - She can't count.
Yes!
- Awesome! - That's what I'm talking about.
That's what I'm talking about.
- Come on. - Oh, yeah.
Who won? We won. We won.
When each of you arrived here,
you were unshaped, unsure, but full of potential.
You've been through the fire.
You've come out stronger. Stronger than you ever imagined.
You're now a soldier in the United States Army.
Congratulations, Petrovich. Your brother would be proud.
Thank you, sir.
- Job well done. - Yes, sir.
- Congratulations. - Thank you, sir.
- Johnson, good for you. - Thank you, sir.
Private Valentine.
- I knew you had it in you. - That's so sweet. Thank you.
Good job.
I can't believe you're leaving right after graduation.
Me either.
But that's the deal I made with Captain Greer.
He'd let me finish Basic Training, then I'd go be with the USO for a year.
Sidney's gonna kill me.
- We're gonna miss you. - I'm gonna miss you guys.
But there's strong, and then there's Army strong.
Pass and review.
Forward march! Step, step, step.
Eyes, right!
Basic is over. You may now greet your families.
You jerk.
Hey! Hey, you guys.
- Thank you so much for coming. - Well, thanks for inviting us.
All those letters that you wrote meant so much to the kids.
They meant a lot to me, too.
Jinny, I know it's hard being my sister sometimes.
And I have a lot of making up to do.
But I want you to know that my priorities are different now.
- I really miss you. - I miss you, too.
- Look at you. - Excuse me.
Hi.
- I just wanted to say, well done, Private. - Thank you, Private.
- You deserve those stripes back. - I know.
And that comment that I made the other day?
About me needing to get laid? I will.
Jeter, can I hug you?
No.
That personal space is reserved.
- Get back on that horse, girl. - Okay.
- Private Valentine. - Hey.
It was impressive what you did out there.
It was the whole platoon. We did it together.
No, I mean, coming back and finishing. That took guts, Private.
Thank you. That means a lot coming from you.
- USO, huh? - Yeah. And you?
- Back to screaming about your grandma? - No.
This is my last cycle here. I ship off next week for Iraq.
- Wow. - Tell me about it.
So, does this mean you're not my sergeant anymore?
No, I'm not.
Well, I better get going. Everybody's waiting.
Hey, Evans.
I expect that back.
Hey!