1
00:00:54,167 --> 00:00:59,434
All right, so here's how you can tell, in
order of weirdness, that this is a dream.

2
00:00:59,435 --> 00:01:02,966
First off, I'm having sex.

3
00:01:02,967 --> 00:01:06,734
Second, I'm on a heart-shaped
bed with red rubber sheets.

4
00:01:06,735 --> 00:01:09,100
Nice. Are those beakers?

5
00:01:09,101 --> 00:01:12,999
Yep, I'm in my chemistry class.
That's third.

6
00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:16,799
And this woman is just perfect.
I mean, look at her.

7
00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:21,166
Those eyes... those lips...

8
00:01:21,167 --> 00:01:23,700
Those three tits.

9
00:01:23,701 --> 00:01:28,631
I would tell you the fifth, but
this is about the time where I...

10
00:02:09,832 --> 00:02:14,665
Just... throw the sheets
in the laundry, hon.

11
00:02:27,167 --> 00:02:31,166
It's okay. She's in the
laundry room. Sit down.

12
00:02:31,167 --> 00:02:33,632
I should probably be
going to school, so...

13
00:02:33,633 --> 00:02:36,567
We both know how important
today's interview is.

14
00:02:36,568 --> 00:02:39,666
Dad, I really don't
need another pep talk.

15
00:02:39,667 --> 00:02:44,100
When you were benched in little league
and your team played with eight players,

16
00:02:44,101 --> 00:02:49,033
I said nothing. When you were
bullied by Sally Levinson...

17
00:02:49,034 --> 00:02:50,400
I said nothing.

18
00:02:50,401 --> 00:02:53,601
When you lost the class
presidency to a raccoon...

19
00:02:53,602 --> 00:02:56,199
He was the school mascot.

20
00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:57,965
...I said nothing.

21
00:02:57,966 --> 00:03:02,467
But this is too important to me to
just sit idly by and say nothing.

22
00:03:03,434 --> 00:03:07,531
- So, come on. Please.
- Okay. Fine.

23
00:03:09,133 --> 00:03:12,732
I want you to wear
this during the interview.

24
00:03:12,733 --> 00:03:16,467
This is my old headband from
when I rowed crew at Georgetown.

25
00:03:16,468 --> 00:03:20,700
But... I don't row crew.

26
00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:24,766
Oh, God. This smells like crotch.

27
00:03:24,767 --> 00:03:28,300
That's the smell of a champion.

28
00:03:28,301 --> 00:03:31,632
Today you have a huge opportunity.

29
00:03:31,633 --> 00:03:34,566
Today you'll make me proud.

30
00:03:35,501 --> 00:03:41,133
It would save me time if I would just
put down newspaper on his... bed.

31
00:04:19,701 --> 00:04:20,500
Cute dress!

32
00:04:20,501 --> 00:04:22,033
Hello, Lisa.

33
00:04:22,034 --> 00:04:24,398
Why is he near us?

34
00:04:27,366 --> 00:04:28,600
Have a good day at school.

35
00:04:28,601 --> 00:04:31,466
Rob! Yo, Rob!

36
00:04:32,467 --> 00:04:33,799
Ah!

37
00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:35,765
Oh.

38
00:04:39,899 --> 00:04:42,366
- Hey, are you okay?
- Shh.

39
00:04:42,367 --> 00:04:45,367
So, I'm about to blow my
load when Lisa says, "wait."

40
00:04:45,368 --> 00:04:49,466
She then stands up, gets
dressed, turns to me and says,

41
00:04:49,467 --> 00:04:51,766
"Okay. Come now."

42
00:04:51,767 --> 00:04:54,966
And boom. I came.

43
00:04:54,967 --> 00:04:57,065
- Huh.
- How does a high school chick

44
00:04:57,066 --> 00:04:58,432
learn mind control like that?

45
00:04:58,433 --> 00:05:02,032
Maybe some sort of magnet school
for the sexually advanced?

46
00:05:02,033 --> 00:05:06,401
You're gonna love sex. It's like jerking
off with the best sock on the planet.

47
00:05:06,402 --> 00:05:08,266
- Wait.
- What?

48
00:05:08,267 --> 00:05:10,467
Why are you dressed
like Ellen Degeneres?

49
00:05:10,468 --> 00:05:13,033
I have my interview today.

50
00:05:13,034 --> 00:05:14,631
I'm not dressed like Ellen.

51
00:05:14,632 --> 00:05:16,533
So, what are you gonna
do if you don't get in?

52
00:05:16,534 --> 00:05:18,632
Hey. No. Shut up, okay?

53
00:05:18,633 --> 00:05:21,564
I have to get in. Don't jinx me.

54
00:05:21,565 --> 00:05:24,331
So I'll kill a chicken. Relax.

55
00:05:28,699 --> 00:05:30,831
Hey, man. You want to
come over tonight?

56
00:05:30,832 --> 00:05:33,165
I'm playing "grand theft auto" online
with that kid from the Balkans.

57
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:35,399
You know, he sent me this
fucked-up YouTube clip.

58
00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:39,931
Some MMA guy got punched in the nuts
so hard he shit himself and came.

59
00:05:39,932 --> 00:05:42,432
Wow, uh, as much as I'd love
to see that, Gabrielle and I are

60
00:05:42,433 --> 00:05:45,498
- watching the spelling bee tonight.
- Hi, guys.

61
00:05:45,499 --> 00:05:47,165
- The dork super bowl?
- No, dude, it's, like,

62
00:05:47,166 --> 00:05:50,399
trembling kids, terrified of
disappointing their watching parents.

63
00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:53,665
I mean, it's like watching televised
child abuse. It's fucking awesome.

64
00:05:53,666 --> 00:05:55,365
They don't get punched,
but they do shit themselves.

65
00:05:55,366 --> 00:05:58,000
- Huh.
- And a good morning to you both.

66
00:05:58,001 --> 00:05:59,565
- Hey, Gabs.
- Thanks.

67
00:05:59,566 --> 00:06:01,632
- Arthur.
- What time you flying out, Artie?

68
00:06:01,633 --> 00:06:05,965
Funny, Stanley. Too bad the special
Olympics doesn't have a comedy competition.

69
00:06:05,966 --> 00:06:09,100
So, Rob, Gabrielle told me your
Georgetown interview is today.

70
00:06:09,101 --> 00:06:11,300
Uh, yeah. I'm a little nervous.

71
00:06:11,301 --> 00:06:15,516
Want me to put in a good word? They've been
on my jock about going there full ride...

72
00:06:15,518 --> 00:06:19,034
- since I was in middle school.
- Really? Since middle school?

73
00:06:19,035 --> 00:06:21,999
It's a lot of pressure
for a 7-year-old.

74
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:24,365
- Good morning.
- Morning, Mr. Hughes.

75
00:06:24,366 --> 00:06:26,566
Arthur, I thought you were
going to be here early.

76
00:06:26,567 --> 00:06:28,867
Excuse me for a second.

77
00:06:29,867 --> 00:06:32,053
Get off my scrotum, Mr. Hughes.
I have your lesson plan,

78
00:06:32,055 --> 00:06:35,166
but what I don't have is my money.

79
00:06:35,167 --> 00:06:37,966
- It's in my classroom.
- Then let's go.

80
00:06:37,967 --> 00:06:39,967
I'm sorry, guys.
I have to handle this.

81
00:06:39,968 --> 00:06:43,865
And, Rob, feel free to drop
my name in the interview.

82
00:06:45,432 --> 00:06:48,398
I can't believe your pre-pub
neighbor sells homework to teachers.

83
00:06:48,399 --> 00:06:49,865
Yeah, and how is he so confident?

84
00:06:49,866 --> 00:06:52,665
He has one eyebrow and it's thicker
than Sam Elliott's mustache.

85
00:06:52,666 --> 00:06:53,733
Aw, he can't help the eyebrow.

86
00:06:53,735 --> 00:06:55,699
- He's Armenian.
- Yeah, poor kid.

87
00:06:55,700 --> 00:06:58,466
Poor kid? No, you should mow
that thing. It's embarrassing.

88
00:06:58,467 --> 00:07:02,499
Says the guy who has been
not-so-subtly adjusting his cup.

89
00:07:02,500 --> 00:07:04,464
It's an athletic supporter.
It rides up sometimes.

90
00:07:04,465 --> 00:07:07,398
In his defense, Gabrielle,
a little discomfort is far better

91
00:07:07,399 --> 00:07:09,865
than getting kicked in he balls
every day for a semester.

92
00:07:09,866 --> 00:07:13,198
That happened in the 9th grade.
It hasn't happened since.

93
00:07:13,199 --> 00:07:17,733
It's not something one just forgets,
Gabrielle. The 9th grade was my ballocaust.

94
00:07:17,734 --> 00:07:19,865
Never again.

95
00:07:23,333 --> 00:07:25,965
- I got beer for tonight. You excited?
- Oh, sweet. How?

96
00:07:25,966 --> 00:07:28,032
Just threw it in the
cart at the shop 'n save.

97
00:07:28,033 --> 00:07:30,672
My mom thought my dad put it in
and my dad thought he put it in,

98
00:07:30,674 --> 00:07:32,666
so it worked out perfectly.

99
00:07:32,667 --> 00:07:35,798
Hey, so, it is your last chance
to change your bet,

100
00:07:35,799 --> 00:07:38,531
unless you really think that
Mona Panchal will take it all.

101
00:07:38,532 --> 00:07:40,265
- Um, some stats...
- All right.

102
00:07:40,266 --> 00:07:45,398
She is a 13-year-old up-and-comer from
Kansas via Mumbai with a nervous twitch.

103
00:07:45,399 --> 00:07:48,631
She placed 12th two years ago,
5th last year. This is her year.

104
00:07:48,632 --> 00:07:51,464
Also, it is too late to change your bets
because the first round has started.

105
00:07:51,465 --> 00:07:55,331
I'm just really excited for Pongsaklek
Wonjongkam to eat Mona for L-U-N-C-H.

106
00:07:55,332 --> 00:07:57,498
Right. Is Pongsaklek a boy or a girl?

107
00:07:57,499 --> 00:07:58,834
- Yeah, I have no idea.
- Exactly.

108
00:07:58,835 --> 00:08:03,199
But if it can spell its own
name, it can spell anything.

109
00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:04,928
So, I was thinking we
could drink every time

110
00:08:04,930 --> 00:08:07,600
somebody asks for
alternate pronunciations.

111
00:08:08,100 --> 00:08:11,110
Or... or every time someone asks
for alternate pronunciations,

112
00:08:11,112 --> 00:08:14,867
- we could cut ourselves.
- Yeah, sure.

113
00:08:16,867 --> 00:08:19,600
Yo, Rob! Y...

114
00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:22,532
Hey! Are you kidding me?

115
00:08:22,533 --> 00:08:26,100
You're volleyball players.
You don't get to pick on people.

116
00:08:26,900 --> 00:08:29,133
Set me.

117
00:08:29,134 --> 00:08:30,399
No!

118
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:31,966
Ooh! Damn.

119
00:08:36,767 --> 00:08:40,532
It's piss. Those
assholes pissed on me.

120
00:08:41,533 --> 00:08:44,432
Okay. Well, that'll
dry by the interview.

121
00:08:44,433 --> 00:08:48,464
- Yeah, but he smells like a urinal cake.
- I do. I do smell like a urinal cake.

122
00:08:48,465 --> 00:08:51,865
Okay, guys, I have my test
next period. I got to go. Um...

123
00:08:51,866 --> 00:08:53,965
Stanley, go to the lost and found,
get Rob a new pair of pants.

124
00:08:53,966 --> 00:08:56,500
I won't let you down, buddy.
Watch out! Pants emergency!

125
00:08:56,501 --> 00:08:59,899
Stay calm. All right?
Take a deep breath.

126
00:08:59,900 --> 00:09:02,134
Keep the recruiter's face
away from your junk.

127
00:09:03,067 --> 00:09:06,499
- And it's gonna be great. Okay?
- Thanks, Gabs.

128
00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:09,134
- Just text me with bee updates, okay?
- I will.

129
00:09:16,399 --> 00:09:20,464
Okay, these aren't ideal, but they
didn't have a lot to choose from.

130
00:09:23,565 --> 00:09:26,765
- Are these even men's pants?
- Try 'em on. Maybe you'll look fabulous.

131
00:09:26,766 --> 00:09:28,065
I feel like I'm gonna be sick.

132
00:09:28,066 --> 00:09:30,633
Hey, you know I have a
test next period, right?

133
00:09:30,634 --> 00:09:35,365
Shh. Are all the people you
tutor this self-absorbed?

134
00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:39,032
Hey, Artie. Can you help this
student, please? Rob's falling apart.

135
00:09:39,033 --> 00:09:40,860
I know you have a learning
disability, Stanley,

136
00:09:40,862 --> 00:09:44,398
but can you grasp the fact that
I'm already working with someone?

137
00:09:44,399 --> 00:09:46,965
How many people know about your
arrangement with Mr. Hughes?

138
00:09:46,966 --> 00:09:48,464
And I'm presuming there are others.

139
00:09:48,542 --> 00:09:49,898
You slow Goat.

140
00:09:49,899 --> 00:09:54,433
Don't shout that witch language
at me! I'll burn you at the stake.

141
00:09:54,434 --> 00:09:57,331
Move. Go.

142
00:10:01,133 --> 00:10:04,433
I know what would help.
Okay, take a deep breath.

143
00:10:04,434 --> 00:10:06,279
- Okay. I am.
- Good.

144
00:10:06,281 --> 00:10:11,432
Now go to the bathroom, hit a
stall, and rub one out to that.

145
00:10:11,433 --> 00:10:15,831
It's a scientific fact that your blood
pressure drops after you orgasm.

146
00:10:15,832 --> 00:10:18,967
It's like your balls are shooting
yoga through your veins.

147
00:10:18,968 --> 00:10:22,440
Oh, no. Is she coming
over here? Yep. She is.

148
00:10:22,442 --> 00:10:25,666
Shit. Please stop talking now.

149
00:10:25,667 --> 00:10:27,265
Hi, Rob.

150
00:10:27,266 --> 00:10:30,066
Hey, Angela.

151
00:10:30,067 --> 00:10:31,299
Um, good morning.

152
00:10:31,300 --> 00:10:34,333
Excuse me, Angela. I have
to update my Wikipedia page.

153
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:35,666
Okay.

154
00:10:35,667 --> 00:10:39,056
So, Rob, um, I know our tutoring session
isn't supposed to be until Thursday,

155
00:10:39,058 --> 00:10:43,865
but I was kind of hoping we could
schedule, like, an emergency session.

156
00:10:43,866 --> 00:10:47,831
Miss Marconi moved the test up. She's
getting a mammogram tomorrow, so...

157
00:10:47,832 --> 00:10:51,731
- Did you say mammogram?
- Yeah, how'd you make it sound so hot?

158
00:10:51,732 --> 00:10:54,700
I was thinking that we could
study tonight at my house.

159
00:10:54,701 --> 00:10:58,766
Tonight? Um, actually,
I don't think I can.

160
00:10:58,767 --> 00:11:01,134
- Oh, boo. Really?
- No. Not really.

161
00:11:01,135 --> 00:11:04,265
Well, yeah. Uh, it's just, um...

162
00:11:04,266 --> 00:11:06,800
I kind of have plans
I can't change, so...

163
00:11:06,801 --> 00:11:11,699
- Do you?
- Yes. I do, have plans.

164
00:11:11,700 --> 00:11:14,797
Maybe, uh, you can study
with Arthur instead?

165
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:25,799
Oh, you're serious?
That's okay. I'll just...

166
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:28,798
- I'll just fail it.
- No, Angela, don't worry.

167
00:11:28,799 --> 00:11:32,366
Rob will reassess his schedule and
get back to you A.S.A.F'ing.P.

168
00:11:32,367 --> 00:11:37,732
Thanks. By the way, Rob, that coat
makes you look <i>so</i> professorial.

169
00:11:47,499 --> 00:11:49,833
She wants to fuck you.

170
00:11:50,333 --> 00:11:52,700
Her nickname is "after school
special" for a reason.

171
00:11:52,701 --> 00:11:53,699
I know.

172
00:11:53,700 --> 00:11:55,698
Freshman year, she cured
Mike Dolan's stutter.

173
00:11:55,699 --> 00:11:59,665
- Her pussy inspired The King's Speech.
- I just can't just bail on Gabs, you know?

174
00:11:59,666 --> 00:12:02,131
I mean, we watch the spelling
bee every year. It's our thing.

175
00:12:02,132 --> 00:12:04,998
You've been borderline stalking
Angela as long as we've been friends.

176
00:12:04,999 --> 00:12:08,164
- We've been friends since we were 5.
- Not exactly. You took time to grow on me.

177
00:12:08,165 --> 00:12:10,831
- I didn't consider you a friend until 6 1/2.
- Wait, seriously?

178
00:12:10,832 --> 00:12:12,431
Look, Angela has sex with grown men.

179
00:12:12,432 --> 00:12:15,231
She hasn't slept with a high-school
student since elementary school.

180
00:12:15,232 --> 00:12:18,131
- She's making an exception for you.
- This is too much pressure for me today.

181
00:12:18,132 --> 00:12:20,831
Okay, well, let me ask you this. Has she
ever invited you over to her house before?

182
00:12:20,832 --> 00:12:24,360
No, and stop, okay? Please.
Because I am panicking,

183
00:12:24,362 --> 00:12:27,034
and I cannot shit these gym shorts.

184
00:12:28,833 --> 00:12:33,099
The poem tells of a talking raven's
mysterious visit to a distraught lover,

185
00:12:33,101 --> 00:12:36,932
tracing's the man's slow
fall into madness.

186
00:12:36,933 --> 00:12:40,800
I'll start reading and then we'll go
around the room counterclockwise.

187
00:12:40,801 --> 00:12:46,733
Okay. As I recite the poem, look for the
repetition of the word "nevermore."

188
00:12:47,433 --> 00:12:51,966
"Once upon a midnight dreary,
while I pondered weak and weary,

189
00:12:51,967 --> 00:12:55,831
over many a quaint and curious
volume of forgotten lore"...

190
00:12:55,832 --> 00:13:00,364
You know, I looked at last year's
yearbook, and her tits were not that big.

191
00:13:00,365 --> 00:13:03,166
There has definitely been
a cosmetic enhancement.

192
00:13:03,167 --> 00:13:06,265
- At least two of them.
- Definitely.

193
00:13:06,266 --> 00:13:10,099
When I die, I want to come back
as her top button, you know?

194
00:13:10,100 --> 00:13:12,699
- Yeah.
- Or a guy who's fucking her.

195
00:13:12,700 --> 00:13:15,999
- That'd be cool.
- That would be cool.

196
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:18,599
Dude, come on.

197
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:20,867
I have something to add.

198
00:13:25,133 --> 00:13:28,165
I need Rob Crabbe to the main office.

199
00:13:28,166 --> 00:13:30,265
Rob.

200
00:13:39,232 --> 00:13:43,600
Is that supposed to be the Georgetown
mascot? 'Cause you know it's a bulldog.

201
00:13:43,601 --> 00:13:46,031
I can't draw bulldogs.

202
00:13:47,799 --> 00:13:51,433
..."the silken sad uncertain
rustling of each purple curtain

203
00:13:51,434 --> 00:13:55,767
filled me with fantastic
terrors never felt before."

204
00:13:56,767 --> 00:13:59,533
Didn't Stanley go to
the lost and found?

205
00:14:00,033 --> 00:14:03,599
- They only had Capri pants.
- Mm-hmm.

206
00:14:04,099 --> 00:14:06,133
- Are you my escort?
- At your service.

207
00:14:09,032 --> 00:14:11,164
- Oh, I have bad news for you.
- What?

208
00:14:11,165 --> 00:14:14,260
Pongsaklek Wonjongkam,
who is a boy, by the way,

209
00:14:14,262 --> 00:14:17,400
misspelled "endoradiosonde" in
the second preliminary round.

210
00:14:17,401 --> 00:14:19,397
Are you serious?

211
00:14:19,432 --> 00:14:22,466
Shit. I did not see
either of those coming.

212
00:14:25,033 --> 00:14:26,433
Well...

213
00:14:27,433 --> 00:14:28,932
Here we are.

214
00:14:28,933 --> 00:14:31,700
- You're gonna nail it. I know it.
- You think?

215
00:14:31,701 --> 00:14:34,899
Yes. I mean, who can
resist those legs?

216
00:14:45,666 --> 00:14:47,699
- Rob Crabbe?
- Yes.

217
00:14:47,700 --> 00:14:52,832
Jack Roth, Georgetown admissions.
Good to meet you. Please take a seat.

218
00:14:52,833 --> 00:14:58,065
Uh, before we begin, allow me
to apologize for the shorts.

219
00:14:59,066 --> 00:15:03,299
Some of my classmates thought
it might be amusing if uhh...

220
00:15:03,300 --> 00:15:07,198
Bullies. What was their
weapon of choice?

221
00:15:07,199 --> 00:15:10,599
A piss-filled water gun. Direct hit.

222
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:13,731
Say no more.
I'll pretend they're pants.

223
00:15:14,032 --> 00:15:15,953
Look, everything I've
read about you is great,

224
00:15:15,955 --> 00:15:21,264
so I'm really here just to put a face
with the name. Are those your notes?

225
00:15:23,265 --> 00:15:25,300
Give them to me.

226
00:15:27,300 --> 00:15:29,332
You don't need notes.

227
00:15:29,932 --> 00:15:34,097
Just be yourself. And it's okay if
you don't know who that is yet.

228
00:15:34,098 --> 00:15:37,531
That's what college is for...
to figure out who you are.

229
00:15:37,532 --> 00:15:40,306
Right? Not what somebody
else wants you to be,

230
00:15:40,308 --> 00:15:42,951
but who you...

231
00:15:43,153 --> 00:15:47,233
really... are.

232
00:15:48,233 --> 00:15:52,233
Just answer the questions honestly.
You're gonna do fine, all right?

233
00:15:52,234 --> 00:15:53,265
Okay.

234
00:15:53,266 --> 00:15:58,965
I see that your parents both
graduated from Georgetown.

235
00:15:58,966 --> 00:16:03,098
Yeah. Both my mom and dad.
They met there, actually.

236
00:16:03,099 --> 00:16:07,399
Uh, some kids grow up hearing
about Oz or Wonderland.

237
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:11,033
All my fairy tales took place in
the mythical land of Georgetown.

238
00:16:21,399 --> 00:16:23,365
I'm sorry.

239
00:16:24,965 --> 00:16:27,466
I met my wife...

240
00:16:27,966 --> 00:16:29,998
at Georgetown, too.

241
00:16:30,932 --> 00:16:32,832
But then...

242
00:16:33,832 --> 00:16:36,231
Lupus.

243
00:16:40,799 --> 00:16:42,399
I'm sorry.

244
00:16:42,899 --> 00:16:45,431
It feels like it happened yesterday.
It was 10 months ago.

245
00:16:45,432 --> 00:16:47,565
I'm just having a moment, okay?

246
00:16:47,566 --> 00:16:49,665
Yeah, no. Please, take your time.

247
00:16:49,666 --> 00:16:52,699
No, no, no. Let's do this.
Let's do this.

248
00:17:01,998 --> 00:17:06,398
You know who the biggest bully... is?

249
00:17:07,798 --> 00:17:09,265
Lupus?

250
00:17:09,266 --> 00:17:12,399
No! It's life!

251
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:14,264
Life is the biggest
bully of them all.

252
00:17:14,265 --> 00:17:18,133
They'll shoot you with a piss-filled
water pistol again and again and again.

253
00:17:18,134 --> 00:17:23,065
You got to just get up,
carry on. Smell like piss.

254
00:17:23,799 --> 00:17:27,630
Life is the biggest fucking
bully of them all.

255
00:17:29,432 --> 00:17:31,265
I am sorry.

256
00:17:32,266 --> 00:17:34,932
Whoa! Detour.

257
00:17:36,233 --> 00:17:40,113
Oh, lookit here.
It says that you were, uh,

258
00:17:40,115 --> 00:17:45,031
part of the student-to-student
tutoring initiative.

259
00:17:48,599 --> 00:17:51,797
Mr. Roth?

260
00:17:52,232 --> 00:17:55,798
My wife was my tutor.

261
00:17:55,799 --> 00:17:58,099
That is how we met. Oh, God.

262
00:17:58,100 --> 00:18:02,966
That's how we met.
And now she's gone.

263
00:18:05,433 --> 00:18:07,232
Um...

264
00:18:07,233 --> 00:18:10,997
I have my dad's headband, so...

265
00:18:12,165 --> 00:18:13,965
Thank you.

266
00:18:15,366 --> 00:18:17,131
Oh.

267
00:18:25,132 --> 00:18:28,399
- How'd it go?
- He cried.

268
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:32,932
Somehow I reminded him of
the greatest loss of his life.

269
00:18:33,932 --> 00:18:36,864
- There goes Georgetown.
- It's not the end of the world.

270
00:18:36,865 --> 00:18:38,697
It's just your dad talking.
There are other schools.

271
00:18:38,698 --> 00:18:41,398
Imagine for one second that
you had any goals whatsoever,

272
00:18:41,399 --> 00:18:45,531
- and then imagine if they didn't happen.
- This is exactly why I don't have goals.

273
00:18:45,532 --> 00:18:48,463
Look, you can still get into
Georgetown. And if you can't,

274
00:18:48,465 --> 00:18:52,198
focus on one thing you can
still get into... Angela.

275
00:18:52,199 --> 00:18:55,065
You're insane. She doesn't want to...

276
00:18:55,066 --> 00:18:58,166
You could become a beautiful
non-virgin butterfly.

277
00:18:58,167 --> 00:19:01,597
Let Angela's crotch be your cocoon.

278
00:19:03,665 --> 00:19:07,532
- Hey. Angela.
- Rob. Nice shorts.

279
00:19:07,533 --> 00:19:11,599
Uh, thanks. Uh,
long story. But, um...

280
00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:13,033
I can tutor you tonight.

281
00:19:13,034 --> 00:19:15,032
- Really?
- Yeah.

282
00:19:15,033 --> 00:19:18,204
- Oh, Rob you're such a life saver.
- Oh, I can help you out with your test,

283
00:19:18,206 --> 00:19:23,264
but Miss Marconi is on her
own with her... mammogram.

284
00:19:25,399 --> 00:19:27,832
Hey. I've been looking
all over for you.

285
00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:30,466
Hey, how was your, uh...

286
00:19:31,466 --> 00:19:33,365
- Really?
- Uh, yeah.

287
00:19:33,366 --> 00:19:36,032
I, um... I pulled a Wonjongkam.

288
00:19:36,033 --> 00:19:39,133
- No. What happened.
- I'd rather not relive it.

289
00:19:40,632 --> 00:19:43,065
Hey, so, listen, um...

290
00:19:43,066 --> 00:19:45,731
I don't think I can make it tonight.

291
00:19:45,732 --> 00:19:47,930
I, uh, I'm just not feeling up to it.

292
00:19:47,931 --> 00:19:51,766
- You sure? Might cheer you up.
- Yeah, you know, another time.

293
00:19:52,766 --> 00:19:54,664
Um...

294
00:19:54,665 --> 00:19:58,331
- It's just my future's in doubt.
- Yeah. Yeah, no, that's okay.

295
00:20:03,165 --> 00:20:06,864
- I don't know why you feel so bad.
- Because I just lied to Gabs.

296
00:20:06,865 --> 00:20:09,531
- I feel awful.
- Good. We can use that.

297
00:20:09,532 --> 00:20:11,431
- What?
- Well, guilt is a blessing.

298
00:20:11,432 --> 00:20:13,064
It'll make you last longer.

299
00:20:13,065 --> 00:20:15,398
You can only go four minutes
when it's just you and the tissues.

300
00:20:15,399 --> 00:20:18,033
Yeah, and I'm feeling
plenty of guilt then, too.

301
00:20:18,034 --> 00:20:20,566
Well, we'll need something stronger.

302
00:20:20,966 --> 00:20:23,464
Remember when I accidentally
exposed my baldy?

303
00:20:23,465 --> 00:20:26,531
Ugh. Yeah. It looked
like my grandpa's elbow.

304
00:20:26,532 --> 00:20:29,699
Yeah, use that. That'll ruin
things for a little while.

305
00:20:29,700 --> 00:20:31,597
That's good.

306
00:20:33,565 --> 00:20:37,665
You know what you should do?
Buy the magnums, too.

307
00:20:37,666 --> 00:20:42,231
Then use the regular-sized condom,
but leave behind the Magnum wrapper.

308
00:20:42,232 --> 00:20:46,766
What's that gonna do? Besides make
her feel like she has a giant vagina.

309
00:20:47,366 --> 00:20:51,397
Um, I'll have the trojan
ecstasy ultra-ribbed, please.

310
00:21:10,366 --> 00:21:11,665
Oh!

311
00:21:20,133 --> 00:21:23,066
I'm fine, you asshole!

312
00:21:41,632 --> 00:21:43,366
Pussy?

313
00:21:44,066 --> 00:21:47,900
- Excuse me?
- Are you here for pussy?

314
00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:51,731
I'm Angela's tutor. Is she home?

315
00:21:51,732 --> 00:21:54,265
I don't know.

316
00:21:54,965 --> 00:21:58,397
- Mind if I check?
- Do as you wish.

317
00:22:00,931 --> 00:22:02,865
- Hey.
- Hey.

318
00:22:02,866 --> 00:22:07,765
- Uzi, you know you can smoke inside.
- Uh, no thank you.

319
00:22:07,766 --> 00:22:11,599
Uzi's from Israel. He's staying with us
for the rest of the school year, so...

320
00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:12,531
Cool.

321
00:22:12,532 --> 00:22:18,197
When it's this quiet back home...
a café explodes.

322
00:22:21,165 --> 00:22:23,530
- Come on in.
- Okay.

323
00:22:26,399 --> 00:22:29,097
Ka-boom.

324
00:22:35,065 --> 00:22:39,098
Uh... so... quadratic equations.

325
00:22:39,099 --> 00:22:42,766
Believe me, it is a lot more
exciting than it sounds.

326
00:22:42,767 --> 00:22:46,332
What are you doing? Sit on the bed.

327
00:22:46,333 --> 00:22:51,032
Oh, yeah. Uh, right. Of course.

328
00:22:54,198 --> 00:22:56,697
So, would you like some wine?
It's white zinfandel.

329
00:22:56,698 --> 00:22:59,732
It's my mom's favorite.
It's absolutely delish.

330
00:22:59,733 --> 00:23:03,931
No, thanks. Math pairs
better with a robust red.

331
00:23:05,699 --> 00:23:06,998
Is your mom home?

332
00:23:06,999 --> 00:23:10,865
No, she works at night.
It's just me and Uzi.

333
00:23:13,564 --> 00:23:15,666
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!

334
00:23:15,667 --> 00:23:17,897
Don't worry about it.

335
00:23:22,798 --> 00:23:28,799
So, uh... what... what exactly
is your test on tomorrow?

336
00:23:30,099 --> 00:23:31,697
Can I confess something to you?

337
00:23:31,698 --> 00:23:33,766
You don't have a dead
wife or anything, do you?

338
00:23:33,767 --> 00:23:38,332
- 'Cause I can't take that again today.
- No.

339
00:23:38,632 --> 00:23:41,299
I don't really have a test tomorrow.

340
00:23:41,300 --> 00:23:43,731
- You don't?
- No.

341
00:23:43,732 --> 00:23:48,730
- I just really like studying with you.
- I really like studying with you, too.

342
00:23:48,731 --> 00:23:50,932
- Your grades are really improving.
- Yeah.

343
00:23:50,935 --> 00:23:54,265
The studying sessions are, like,
the highlight of my week.

344
00:23:54,266 --> 00:23:57,631
- They are?
- Yeah.

345
00:23:57,632 --> 00:24:01,532
When I'm with you, I don't know.
You don't treat me like everyone else.

346
00:24:01,533 --> 00:24:05,066
I just feel... I don't know. Safe.

347
00:24:06,066 --> 00:24:11,030
I was captain of the safety
patrol team in 8th grade.

348
00:24:19,531 --> 00:24:21,899
Wait. Maybe we should...

349
00:24:22,899 --> 00:24:25,965
Oh, that... that is nice.

350
00:24:31,831 --> 00:24:35,830
Just... throw the sheets
in the laundry, hon.

351
00:24:40,931 --> 00:24:42,397
What the f...

352
00:24:49,666 --> 00:24:53,498
It's okay. She's in the
laundry room. Sit down.

353
00:24:55,365 --> 00:24:58,897
We both know how important
today's interview is.

354
00:25:01,398 --> 00:25:02,731
Rob?

355
00:25:02,732 --> 00:25:05,931
The interview is today?

356
00:25:05,932 --> 00:25:08,765
Don't "f" with me, Robert.

357
00:25:09,465 --> 00:25:13,358
When you were benched in little league
and your team played with eight players,

358
00:25:13,360 --> 00:25:18,698
I said nothing. When you were bullied
by Sally Levinson, I said nothing.

359
00:25:18,699 --> 00:25:23,931
When you lost the class presidency
to a raccoon, huh, I said nothing.

360
00:25:23,932 --> 00:25:29,097
But this interview is far too important
for me to sit idly by and say nothing.

361
00:25:32,464 --> 00:25:34,832
I want you to wear this
during the interview.

362
00:25:34,833 --> 00:25:35,831
The headband.

363
00:25:35,832 --> 00:25:40,430
This is my old headband from
when I rowed crew at Georgetown.

364
00:25:44,232 --> 00:25:47,398
Today's the day you make me proud.

365
00:25:47,899 --> 00:25:49,357
It would save me time...

366
00:25:49,359 --> 00:25:54,765
if I would just put down
newspaper on his... bed.

367
00:26:00,598 --> 00:26:05,297
Rob! Yo, Rob! Ah!

368
00:26:11,798 --> 00:26:15,330
So, I'm about to blow my
load when she says, "wait."

369
00:26:15,331 --> 00:26:18,365
She then stands up,
gets dressed, and leaves.

370
00:26:18,366 --> 00:26:23,631
Before she goes, she turns to
me and says, "okay. Come now."

371
00:26:23,632 --> 00:26:26,797
And boom. I came.

372
00:26:32,464 --> 00:26:35,230
What the fuck are you doing?

373
00:26:41,331 --> 00:26:44,133
Why are you dressed
like Ellen Degeneres?

374
00:26:50,032 --> 00:26:52,530
No, he sent me this
fucked-up YouTube clip.

375
00:26:52,531 --> 00:26:56,630
Some MMA guy got punched in the nuts
so hard he shit himself and came.

376
00:26:56,631 --> 00:26:58,899
Hey, you pissed at me or something?

377
00:26:58,900 --> 00:27:02,498
What? No. I'm just...
really out of it.

378
00:27:02,499 --> 00:27:06,099
I don't think I slept so good.
I was having a crazy dream.

379
00:27:06,100 --> 00:27:10,665
- And a good morning to you both.
- Hey, Gabs. Arthur.

380
00:27:10,666 --> 00:27:12,463
- What time are you flying out, Artie?
- Funny, Stanley.

381
00:27:12,464 --> 00:27:15,964
Too bad the special Olympics
doesn't have a comedy competition.

382
00:27:15,965 --> 00:27:19,999
So, Rob, Gabrielle told me your
Georgetown interview is today?

383
00:27:22,699 --> 00:27:25,697
Does anyone know the
warning signs of a stroke?

384
00:27:25,698 --> 00:27:27,864
- Good morning.
- Hi, Mr. Hughes.

385
00:27:27,865 --> 00:27:30,265
Arthur, I thought you
were gonna be here early.

386
00:27:30,266 --> 00:27:32,430
Excuse me for a second.

387
00:27:34,331 --> 00:27:37,397
- You know, I kind of feel bad for him.
- Why?

388
00:27:37,398 --> 00:27:39,332
Probably because he has one eyebrow.

389
00:27:39,334 --> 00:27:41,931
- And it's thicker than...
- Sam Elliott's mustache.

390
00:27:41,932 --> 00:27:46,522
So, I was thinking every time they
ask for alternate pronunciations,

391
00:27:46,524 --> 00:27:48,865
- we could drink.
- Rob! Yo, Rob!

392
00:27:53,365 --> 00:27:55,731
Hey! Are you kidding me?

393
00:27:55,732 --> 00:27:58,099
You're volleyball players.
You don't get to pick on people.

394
00:27:58,100 --> 00:28:00,065
- Set me.
- Oh!

395
00:28:00,066 --> 00:28:01,966
Ooh! Damn!

396
00:28:03,966 --> 00:28:05,965
It's piss.

397
00:28:05,966 --> 00:28:09,664
Okay, um... well, that'll dry
by the interview, right?

398
00:28:09,665 --> 00:28:11,463
Yeah, but he smells
like a urinal cake.

399
00:28:11,464 --> 00:28:14,630
I have my test next period,
so I got to go. Um...

400
00:28:14,631 --> 00:28:16,764
- Stanley, go to the lost and found...
- No, it's fine.

401
00:28:16,765 --> 00:28:19,198
I'll just wear the
shorts in my gym locker.

402
00:28:19,199 --> 00:28:21,499
Really? You sure?

403
00:28:21,999 --> 00:28:27,297
- Stay calm. Take a deep breath.
- No, seriously. I'm good.

404
00:28:33,931 --> 00:28:35,564
This was the dream.

405
00:28:38,098 --> 00:28:40,831
- You dreamed about today?
- Yeah.

406
00:28:40,832 --> 00:28:44,865
Lisa's telling you to come.
The piss gun.

407
00:28:45,365 --> 00:28:49,498
And Angela Yearwood wants
to have sex with me.

408
00:28:49,499 --> 00:28:53,166
- Bullshit.
- Hey. I have a test next period.

409
00:28:53,666 --> 00:28:55,830
Are all the people you
tutor this self-absorbed?

410
00:28:55,831 --> 00:28:59,724
Hi, Rob. So, I know our tutoring session
wasn't supposed to be until Thursday,

411
00:28:59,726 --> 00:29:03,463
but I was kind of, like, hoping that we
could schedule an emergency session.

412
00:29:03,464 --> 00:29:07,432
Miss Marconi moved the test up.
She's getting a mammogram tomorrow.

413
00:29:11,765 --> 00:29:14,130
Mammogram.

414
00:29:15,831 --> 00:29:18,163
How could you even focus
on your interview right now?

415
00:29:18,164 --> 00:29:20,096
- In the dream, I bombed it.
- Who cares?

416
00:29:20,097 --> 00:29:23,065
Angela will make everything
in the world right again.

417
00:29:26,165 --> 00:29:30,097
- I need Rob Crabbe to the main office.
- Rob.

418
00:29:30,098 --> 00:29:33,863
You know, I bombed
the Angela thing, too.

419
00:29:40,898 --> 00:29:43,499
- That's right.
- What?

420
00:29:43,899 --> 00:29:45,498
Nothing.

421
00:29:48,498 --> 00:29:51,698
- Are you ready?
- Do I look ready?

422
00:29:51,699 --> 00:29:55,698
- The outfit weirdly works for you.
- No, it doesn't.

423
00:29:55,699 --> 00:29:58,364
Nope. Not at all.

424
00:29:58,365 --> 00:29:59,799
Oh, I have bad news for you.

425
00:29:59,800 --> 00:30:04,231
Yeah, Pongsaklek Wonjongkam
misspelled "endoradiosonde."

426
00:30:04,232 --> 00:30:09,065
My wife was my tutor.
That's how we met. Oh, God. Jesus.

427
00:30:09,866 --> 00:30:12,097
She's gone.

428
00:30:14,364 --> 00:30:15,832
So?

429
00:30:17,832 --> 00:30:19,532
Don't shut me out!

430
00:30:20,532 --> 00:30:22,531
Hey, Rob!

431
00:30:23,132 --> 00:30:24,830
- Are you okay?
- Yeah. Why?

432
00:30:24,831 --> 00:30:28,564
I just thought you'd be more excited
to come over tonight. That's all.

433
00:30:28,565 --> 00:30:30,270
- You know, if you have other plans.
- You know what?

434
00:30:30,272 --> 00:30:34,998
- I can tutor you tonight, so...
- You're a life saver!

435
00:30:46,165 --> 00:30:49,231
Um... help me? I'm sick.

436
00:30:49,232 --> 00:30:51,432
- What's wrong?
- I have no idea.

437
00:30:51,433 --> 00:30:55,162
I'm having déjà vu or,
like, a psychotic episode,

438
00:30:55,164 --> 00:30:58,632
and I really need your help
because I'm falling apart.

439
00:30:58,633 --> 00:31:01,899
Okay. Put this under your tongue.

440
00:31:04,399 --> 00:31:07,130
That's your timer, Neal.

441
00:31:11,364 --> 00:31:12,564
No fever, Neal.

442
00:31:12,565 --> 00:31:17,230
You're not sick, honey.
You can go back to class.

443
00:31:22,431 --> 00:31:25,465
Yeah, you know what?
I'll just figure it out.

444
00:31:25,466 --> 00:31:26,931
Feel better, Neal.

445
00:31:27,931 --> 00:31:31,764
There's never a bad time to get
an SRD from Angela Yearwood.

446
00:31:31,765 --> 00:31:35,098
Even if she gave you a fatal one,
your doctor would still high-five you.

447
00:31:37,198 --> 00:31:39,598
Shit. I never canceled with Gabs.

448
00:31:39,599 --> 00:31:44,297
Who cares? Angela's about to
deflower you. Please smile.

449
00:31:45,731 --> 00:31:50,598
Could I have the trojan
ecstasy ultra-ribbed, please?

450
00:31:58,898 --> 00:32:00,499
Oh, shit. This is where... aah!

451
00:32:04,165 --> 00:32:06,232
Are you here for pussy?

452
00:32:06,832 --> 00:32:08,266
Hey.

453
00:32:11,666 --> 00:32:14,032
Can I confess something to you?

454
00:32:16,032 --> 00:32:19,763
- I don't really have a test tomorrow.
- I know.

455
00:32:27,498 --> 00:32:29,098
Oh, no.

456
00:32:36,864 --> 00:32:39,432
Just... throw the sheets in the la...

457
00:32:40,432 --> 00:32:42,465
Today's the day you make me proud.

458
00:32:42,466 --> 00:32:43,965
Rob! Ah!

459
00:32:44,965 --> 00:32:46,530
She's getting a mammogram tomorrow.

460
00:32:47,531 --> 00:32:50,096
- Nevermore.
- I have some more bad news for you.

461
00:32:56,665 --> 00:32:58,830
Not this time.

462
00:33:06,898 --> 00:33:07,698
Pussy?

463
00:33:07,699 --> 00:33:10,131
Can I confess something to you?

464
00:33:14,464 --> 00:33:18,365
Just... throw the sheets
in the laundry, hon.

465
00:33:20,365 --> 00:33:23,432
What the fuck is happening?!

466
00:33:24,032 --> 00:33:25,665
Is everything okay?

467
00:33:26,266 --> 00:33:31,163
Yeah! Yeah. I'll just...
I'll throw the sheets in the laundry.

468
00:33:37,797 --> 00:33:42,596
Do you want this to end? 'Cause I think
you're getting a pretty good deal here.

469
00:33:42,597 --> 00:33:45,599
We're having sex. The least you
can do is hold my hand in school.

470
00:33:45,699 --> 00:33:48,475
Look, the whole reason
that this works

471
00:33:48,477 --> 00:33:52,397
is because I get to practice for when
I meet the right guy in college, okay?

472
00:33:52,398 --> 00:33:56,765
'Cause as far as anyone who really
matters is concerned, you don't exist.

473
00:33:58,865 --> 00:34:02,863
- The hell are you doing here?
- I have something I need to tell you.

474
00:34:02,864 --> 00:34:07,130
There is only one explanation.
Your virginity is driving you insane.

475
00:34:07,131 --> 00:34:09,929
It's like one of those videos we saw
in Ms. Depanorizzi's health class.

476
00:34:09,930 --> 00:34:13,165
You know, how little Timmy went berserk
because he masturbated too much.

477
00:34:13,166 --> 00:34:18,464
No, I know. It's just...
I swear this all feels too real.

478
00:34:18,465 --> 00:34:21,630
- Way too real.
- Sounds like a delusional disorder.

479
00:34:21,631 --> 00:34:26,430
Unlike hallucinations, your actual belief
in these events is clearly pathological.

480
00:34:26,431 --> 00:34:30,163
An antipsychotic will help reduce
your dopamine levels. You'll be fine.

481
00:34:32,398 --> 00:34:33,499
My dad's a psychiatrist.

482
00:34:33,500 --> 00:34:35,932
- I know what will help.
- What?

483
00:34:36,432 --> 00:34:37,996
- A threesome.
- With me?

484
00:34:37,997 --> 00:34:42,531
Yeah. With you. It's a win-win-win.
Look, you get some pre-college practice,

485
00:34:42,533 --> 00:34:45,707
Rob has sex and is no longer
driven mad by his virginal status,

486
00:34:45,709 --> 00:34:49,964
and I bust a nut before 8:00 in
the morning. What do you say?

487
00:34:49,965 --> 00:34:53,232
Yeah, but what actually
happens in a threesome?

488
00:34:53,632 --> 00:34:54,998
Does that mean that you and I...

489
00:34:54,999 --> 00:34:59,730
Mnh-mnh, Rob, you and I will not be
having sex. We'd be boning Lisa.

490
00:34:59,731 --> 00:35:01,796
- At the same time?
- It all depends.

491
00:35:01,797 --> 00:35:05,030
There are different methods.
You know, we could take turns...

492
00:35:05,031 --> 00:35:10,196
Okay. Do you really think that I would
have a threesome with the two of you?

493
00:35:10,197 --> 00:35:13,463
- Maybe.
- Okay, look. Threesomes are... special.

494
00:35:13,464 --> 00:35:17,696
They're specifically reserved for when
I find the man that I'm going to marry.

495
00:35:17,697 --> 00:35:19,998
And then a friend of
his choice, of course.

496
00:35:19,999 --> 00:35:23,865
You know, that's how
you make marriages work.

497
00:35:24,865 --> 00:35:28,064
Oh, and, Stanley, you can come now.

498
00:35:31,198 --> 00:35:32,631
You too, Rob.

499
00:35:39,697 --> 00:35:43,730
Just... throw the sheets
in the laundry, hon.

500
00:35:48,398 --> 00:35:50,864
He's a young man!

501
00:35:50,865 --> 00:35:53,331
Are you kidding me with this?!

502
00:35:53,332 --> 00:35:55,696
It's like he's regressing
right before our eyes!

503
00:35:55,697 --> 00:35:58,665
He has a big day, probably just
needed to relieve some tension.

504
00:35:58,666 --> 00:36:03,398
That was a lot of tension!
Our son is turning into this pervert!

505
00:36:03,399 --> 00:36:05,397
When I was that age,
I could fill a bucket.

506
00:36:05,398 --> 00:36:08,165
Yeah? Well, sweetie,
you can still fill a bucket.

507
00:36:08,166 --> 00:36:11,732
- It's just a little squirt.
- A little squirt?!

508
00:36:12,232 --> 00:36:15,398
Okay, okay, okay, okay.

509
00:36:15,399 --> 00:36:20,392
So, I went to Angela's house
one, two, three times,

510
00:36:20,394 --> 00:36:23,730
and then I went and
saw Stanley and Lisa.

511
00:36:23,731 --> 00:36:27,696
And then we almost had
a threesome. And then...

512
00:36:40,897 --> 00:36:44,463
- Is that a 48-inch...
- Sure is.

513
00:36:47,431 --> 00:36:50,363
I'm gonna do my own
laundry from now on.

514
00:37:00,097 --> 00:37:01,597
Hey!

515
00:37:01,598 --> 00:37:03,897
Hey! Gabs!

516
00:37:03,898 --> 00:37:07,297
Gabrielle, stop! Gabrielle!

517
00:37:09,864 --> 00:37:12,264
Rob? Are you okay? You look insane.

518
00:37:12,265 --> 00:37:14,729
- Did you see Gabrielle?
- Yeah. She went inside.

519
00:37:14,730 --> 00:37:16,896
Dude, I called your phone
like a thousand times.

520
00:37:16,897 --> 00:37:18,629
The most amazing thing
happened to me this morning.

521
00:37:18,630 --> 00:37:22,165
I know. Lisa's totally become
a master at jizzekinesis!

522
00:37:22,166 --> 00:37:24,196
Jizzekinesis!

523
00:37:26,064 --> 00:37:27,529
Gabs!

524
00:37:28,864 --> 00:37:31,231
Gabs! Hey! Gabs!

525
00:37:31,232 --> 00:37:33,132
That's what you're wearing
to your interview?

526
00:37:33,133 --> 00:37:35,198
Huh? Oh, no, no, no, no.

527
00:37:35,199 --> 00:37:37,263
Hey, um, I need to talk to you.
It's really important.

528
00:37:37,264 --> 00:37:38,998
- Sure. Are you okay?
- Not really.

529
00:37:38,999 --> 00:37:41,697
Let's go somewhere maybe and...

530
00:37:43,032 --> 00:37:46,165
Oh, yeah! You think that's funny?!
You think that's funny?!

531
00:37:46,166 --> 00:37:47,465
Whoa!

532
00:37:52,964 --> 00:37:55,397
- That wasn't yours to touch.
- Rob, I think we should go now.

533
00:37:55,398 --> 00:37:57,896
Yeah, you should really
listen to your girlfriend.

534
00:37:57,897 --> 00:38:02,596
You guys are taller and you're better
looking, but that's not enough, is it?

535
00:38:02,597 --> 00:38:05,562
I mean, why do you pick on guys
like me? You know what I think?

536
00:38:05,563 --> 00:38:08,265
I think you're gay and you
don't know how to handle it,

537
00:38:08,267 --> 00:38:12,698
so you pick on me because,
inside, society picks on you.

538
00:38:13,198 --> 00:38:17,097
That's not cool. Tommy's gay.

539
00:38:17,098 --> 00:38:19,629
- Oh, you are?
- Yeah, it's not that big of a deal.

540
00:38:19,630 --> 00:38:21,397
The guys are super supportive.

541
00:38:21,398 --> 00:38:23,196
- Oh, that's so nice.
- Yeah.

542
00:38:23,197 --> 00:38:26,365
Yeah, I guess it would have been worse
if you guys played a real sport, right?

543
00:38:28,132 --> 00:38:29,730
That came out wrong.

544
00:38:29,731 --> 00:38:33,063
- Gabs, I got to go.
- Probably for the best.

545
00:38:33,264 --> 00:38:34,796
Get him!

546
00:38:45,798 --> 00:38:46,731
Oh, Rob! Can you...

547
00:38:46,732 --> 00:38:48,496
No!

548
00:39:03,264 --> 00:39:05,031
Where is he?

549
00:39:05,032 --> 00:39:07,131
Try that one.

550
00:39:11,432 --> 00:39:14,097
Oh, shit! Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

551
00:39:14,098 --> 00:39:16,064
- Come on!
- Get it open!

552
00:39:16,065 --> 00:39:18,563
It's stuck! It's stuck!

553
00:39:36,064 --> 00:39:39,096
One, two, three!

554
00:39:48,164 --> 00:39:51,596
Would you guys just stop
banging for like two seconds?

555
00:39:56,797 --> 00:39:58,764
Ugh! He's whacking!

556
00:40:05,031 --> 00:40:08,563
Just... throw the sheets
in the laundry, hon.

557
00:40:14,797 --> 00:40:16,831
Nothing happened.

558
00:40:18,531 --> 00:40:20,764
Mm. Good morning.

559
00:40:20,765 --> 00:40:23,930
- Sit down. I want to talk to you.
- Dad...

560
00:40:23,931 --> 00:40:27,130
Why is it so important to
you that I go to Georgetown?

561
00:40:27,131 --> 00:40:32,132
Well, I guess because that's where I met
your mother and my life really began.

562
00:40:32,133 --> 00:40:35,563
- And you want that for me?
- Yes, of course.

563
00:40:35,564 --> 00:40:38,996
Well, what if I don't need
Georgetown to get that?

564
00:40:38,997 --> 00:40:41,198
You don't want to go to Georgetown?

565
00:40:41,399 --> 00:40:44,231
No, I'm... I'm just kidding.

566
00:40:44,232 --> 00:40:48,529
No, I just... I don't need a
pep talk, that's all. I got this.

567
00:40:48,930 --> 00:40:53,598
You know, why don't you just focus on
planning your trip to parents' weekend.

568
00:40:53,599 --> 00:40:55,398
Okay.

569
00:40:55,798 --> 00:40:59,629
All right. Have a good day.

570
00:41:02,897 --> 00:41:07,629
I proved the existence of a sex Jedi and
you're just speechless and smiling.

571
00:41:07,630 --> 00:41:12,396
- Do you think about anything besides sex?
- Yeah. I think about a lot of stuff.

572
00:41:12,397 --> 00:41:14,963
Like why we're still
reliant on foreign oil.

573
00:41:14,964 --> 00:41:17,829
What I'd look like with
a ponytail. You know?

574
00:41:17,830 --> 00:41:19,863
Why the sudden up tick
in peanut allergies?

575
00:41:19,864 --> 00:41:22,798
You know, there are other things
in this world besides sex.

576
00:41:22,799 --> 00:41:27,298
Other things to see or do in
this world. In this school, even.

577
00:41:27,299 --> 00:41:29,329
What the hell are you talking about?

578
00:41:29,330 --> 00:41:32,531
I'm talking about living a
life without repercussions.

579
00:41:32,532 --> 00:41:34,230
- Hi, guys.
- Hey, Gabs.

580
00:41:34,231 --> 00:41:36,663
Hey, didn't your cousin
get admitted to South Oaks?

581
00:41:36,664 --> 00:41:38,347
Yeah. He had a psychotic break...

582
00:41:38,349 --> 00:41:40,929
and burned down his neighbor's shed.
Thank you for bringing that up.

583
00:41:40,930 --> 00:41:43,329
Uh-huh. We need to get Rob admitted
there stat. He's fucking lost it.

584
00:41:43,330 --> 00:41:46,541
You know, I just woke up this
morning, and long story short,

585
00:41:46,543 --> 00:41:48,630
I feel like I can do anything.

586
00:41:48,631 --> 00:41:50,696
Okay. Can we talk about
that on the way to class?

587
00:41:50,697 --> 00:41:54,132
- Yeah, let's go. I need to make a poo.
- Yeah, you guys go.

588
00:41:54,133 --> 00:41:56,862
I don't really feel like walking.

589
00:41:59,764 --> 00:42:02,998
- Yeah, you're right. He's acting weird.
- Yeah. He's like the douchey lama.

590
00:42:11,830 --> 00:42:13,730
Stop that golf cart!

591
00:42:14,798 --> 00:42:19,363
- Show me your hall pass.
- Is there a hall pass for golf carts?

592
00:42:19,364 --> 00:42:21,030
I'm gonna have to write you up.

593
00:42:21,031 --> 00:42:24,629
You poor soul. You don't know
the power that you possess.

594
00:42:24,630 --> 00:42:27,638
I mean, you get beaten up
every day, and for what?

595
00:42:27,640 --> 00:42:31,464
A line on a college résumé? I mean,
what if instead of writing people up,

596
00:42:31,466 --> 00:42:34,462
you used your position to your
advantage, got something out of it.

597
00:42:34,463 --> 00:42:39,163
Like, tell me that you won't write
me up if I give you the golf cart.

598
00:42:39,164 --> 00:42:41,098
- You would do that?
- Maybe.

599
00:42:41,099 --> 00:42:45,797
Or... Excuse me, Miss?
Do you have a hall pass?

600
00:42:45,798 --> 00:42:48,664
Shit. No.

601
00:42:48,665 --> 00:42:50,562
Ah, I'm not sure what we can do.

602
00:42:50,563 --> 00:42:52,899
You see, my friend here
is a hall monitor,

603
00:42:52,901 --> 00:42:56,091
and it is his job to write up
students who roam the halls

604
00:42:56,093 --> 00:42:57,696
without the necessary paperwork.

605
00:42:57,697 --> 00:43:01,431
Please don't write me up. I'll get
suspended if I get written up again.

606
00:43:01,432 --> 00:43:03,898
Will you French kiss him?

607
00:43:05,331 --> 00:43:07,563
Okay. But he can't tell anyone.

608
00:43:07,564 --> 00:43:08,631
Deal.

609
00:43:08,632 --> 00:43:11,463
But give him something to remember.

610
00:43:17,430 --> 00:43:21,432
- This is what you're doing with your day?
- Yeah, totally.

611
00:43:22,032 --> 00:43:24,897
- Check this out.
- Where'd you get that?

612
00:43:24,898 --> 00:43:28,362
You know that creepy janitor?
It turns out he's not a pedophile.

613
00:43:28,363 --> 00:43:29,665
He's just a drug dealer.

614
00:43:29,666 --> 00:43:32,129
- Huh.
- Hop in.

615
00:43:40,297 --> 00:43:42,197
Should we be out here?

616
00:43:42,865 --> 00:43:44,597
Nope.

617
00:43:44,598 --> 00:43:46,831
- But that's what makes it fun?
- Yep.

618
00:43:46,832 --> 00:43:49,697
Mm-hmm. And if we get caught?

619
00:43:50,298 --> 00:43:52,196
Don't worry about it.

620
00:43:52,197 --> 00:43:56,329
Just trust me. It's like that time that
you told me to tell my gym teacher

621
00:43:56,330 --> 00:44:00,063
I couldn't run the mile because
of my menstrual cramps.

622
00:44:00,064 --> 00:44:01,531
- Did I do it?
- Yep.

623
00:44:01,532 --> 00:44:04,962
Mr. Zizek still calls you "tampon."

624
00:44:06,530 --> 00:44:09,130
I didn't say I'm not
smoking with you. Come on.

625
00:44:09,131 --> 00:44:11,832
Light that thing up. Let us see
if it is really a gateway drug.

626
00:44:11,833 --> 00:44:13,996
Oh. It is.

627
00:44:16,797 --> 00:44:19,329
A gateway to awesome.

628
00:44:28,531 --> 00:44:30,365
Oh, thank you.

629
00:44:31,965 --> 00:44:36,531
Hey, would you like to hear something
that I've never told anyone ever?

630
00:44:36,532 --> 00:44:38,642
- Yes.
- Freshman year,

631
00:44:38,644 --> 00:44:41,798
I thought that parent/teacher night
meant that Mrs. Wiley was going to be

632
00:44:41,799 --> 00:44:46,430
staying at my house for a night
while my parents went away.

633
00:44:47,931 --> 00:44:50,898
You would have to bomb your house to
get rid of the stench of her perfume.

634
00:44:50,899 --> 00:44:52,662
Oh, God.

635
00:45:03,930 --> 00:45:06,464
- How did we become friends?
- You don't remember?

636
00:45:06,465 --> 00:45:10,363
No, it's not that I don't
remember, it's just...

637
00:45:10,364 --> 00:45:13,365
It feels like you've
always been here.

638
00:45:13,865 --> 00:45:15,365
Sorry.

639
00:45:15,865 --> 00:45:19,230
Weed must make me uncomfortably deep.

640
00:45:19,231 --> 00:45:20,764
Uh-huh.

641
00:45:20,765 --> 00:45:28,130
Um... I was in the third grade and I was
the new girl, the giant, 5'3" new girl.

642
00:45:28,131 --> 00:45:31,664
And you were the only one
who didn't laugh at me.

643
00:45:31,665 --> 00:45:35,163
I was too scared to laugh.
You were enormous.

644
00:45:50,697 --> 00:45:53,911
Hey. No matter where
we end up next year,

645
00:45:53,913 --> 00:45:56,364
we have to watch the
spelling bee together.

646
00:45:56,365 --> 00:45:58,664
Of course we will.

647
00:45:59,464 --> 00:46:02,931
I'm really sorry that I
blew you off this time.

648
00:46:02,933 --> 00:46:07,265
- I'll never do it again.
- When did you blow me off?

649
00:46:08,765 --> 00:46:13,463
I meant... I meant to say I
would never blow you off.

650
00:46:15,398 --> 00:46:19,597
Sorry. This stuff must really
be killing brain cells.

651
00:46:21,765 --> 00:46:25,596
It's nice to get out like this
once in a while. You know?

652
00:46:25,597 --> 00:46:28,162
- Get out of class, live a little.
- Yeah.

653
00:46:28,163 --> 00:46:30,662
We should have done
something like this sooner.

654
00:46:30,697 --> 00:46:34,297
- I always wanted to.
- Mm-hmm.

655
00:46:34,298 --> 00:46:36,630
You know what?

656
00:46:36,631 --> 00:46:39,463
- Come on.
- Where are we going?

657
00:46:39,464 --> 00:46:43,364
There's something else
I've always wanted to do.

658
00:46:49,130 --> 00:46:53,162
Here. It's pretty good,
but kind of illegal.

659
00:47:06,264 --> 00:47:08,097
Oh, God.

660
00:47:11,197 --> 00:47:13,131
Hold on!

661
00:47:14,731 --> 00:47:18,429
- Oh, hi, Mr. Hughes.
- Rob, this is the teachers' lounge.

662
00:47:18,430 --> 00:47:23,529
Yeah, I know. Um, hey, you wouldn't happen
to have a match or anything, would you?

663
00:47:23,530 --> 00:47:27,031
No? All right. Cool. Well, um,
I should probably get going.

664
00:47:27,032 --> 00:47:31,196
But you should probably
flush again, just in case.

665
00:47:43,597 --> 00:47:46,429
- What was it like in there?
- It was very comfortable.

666
00:47:46,430 --> 00:47:49,298
There was a great selection
of reading material.

667
00:48:00,630 --> 00:48:02,629
I fucking love doughnuts.

668
00:48:05,797 --> 00:48:10,097
You know, all I'm saying is that you have an
inner strength that one day I hope to have.

669
00:48:10,098 --> 00:48:13,764
- Thank you.
- Shh. Hey. Don't thank me.

670
00:48:13,765 --> 00:48:15,964
Okay? Because I am not
important right now.

671
00:48:15,965 --> 00:48:19,363
My interview? That is not important.

672
00:48:22,330 --> 00:48:24,630
I'm never gonna forget you.

673
00:48:24,631 --> 00:48:26,562
I know.

674
00:48:36,564 --> 00:48:37,896
Whoa!

675
00:48:37,897 --> 00:48:39,929
Hey!

676
00:48:39,930 --> 00:48:41,030
Whoo!

677
00:48:41,031 --> 00:48:44,996
- What the fuck was that?
- Two men. Connecting.

678
00:48:44,997 --> 00:48:48,396
Okay, cut the shit. What is up with
you today? Gabs and I are worried.

679
00:48:48,397 --> 00:48:50,296
- I'm not worried.
- Dude, I've told you.

680
00:48:50,297 --> 00:48:52,496
- You don't get it.
- When did you tell me?

681
00:48:52,497 --> 00:48:55,264
Three this mornings ago.
It's okay, okay?

682
00:48:55,265 --> 00:49:00,296
Because I didn't really get it, either,
but I do now. Today is a gift.

683
00:49:01,996 --> 00:49:04,631
Come on. I just got an idea.

684
00:49:05,031 --> 00:49:06,936
Okay, so, as I told
you guys yesterday,

685
00:49:06,938 --> 00:49:10,317
tomorrow's quiz will be
on chapters 5 through 7,

686
00:49:10,319 --> 00:49:12,830
and what you want to look...

687
00:49:13,431 --> 00:49:17,697
Mr. Crabbe, your class was two
periods ago. You missed it.

688
00:49:17,698 --> 00:49:22,062
- I know. I was taking a shit.
- Excuse me?

689
00:49:24,664 --> 00:49:27,263
- Oh, my God.
- What's he doing?

690
00:49:27,264 --> 00:49:33,062
They're very firm, Stanley. Like, spongy.
Does that mean they're fake?

691
00:49:34,297 --> 00:49:36,097
- Oh, my God!
- Thank you.

692
00:49:36,098 --> 00:49:37,230
Sweet.

693
00:49:37,231 --> 00:49:39,829
I think I smoked too much weed.
Did he just feel up Ms. Hartnett?

694
00:49:39,830 --> 00:49:43,196
- Mm-hmm. I think she called the cops.
- It was worth it.

695
00:49:49,764 --> 00:49:52,595
Are these seats taken, Sally?

696
00:49:59,497 --> 00:50:03,097
It has been a long time.

697
00:50:04,097 --> 00:50:05,697
Whoa!

698
00:50:05,997 --> 00:50:08,031
That was for the 4th grade!

699
00:50:08,332 --> 00:50:10,196
Right?

700
00:50:13,864 --> 00:50:15,896
Oh, shit.

701
00:50:36,431 --> 00:50:39,198
Save yourself, Rob! Grab her tit!

702
00:50:39,598 --> 00:50:42,398
I'm grabbing her tit!
I'm grabbing your tit!

703
00:50:42,399 --> 00:50:45,230
Squeeze it till milk comes out!

704
00:50:45,231 --> 00:50:48,229
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

705
00:50:50,730 --> 00:50:53,962
I'm sorry, Sally. I'm a big fan.

706
00:51:02,564 --> 00:51:04,596
Sally!

707
00:51:23,796 --> 00:51:26,062
Have a seat, Rob.

708
00:51:30,896 --> 00:51:35,097
I don't know what to say.
You're one of my favorite students.

709
00:51:35,098 --> 00:51:37,896
Really? We've barely met.

710
00:51:37,897 --> 00:51:42,430
Yeah, exactly. I love the
students I don't have to meet.

711
00:51:42,431 --> 00:51:46,098
Meeting you guys is the
worst part of my job.

712
00:51:46,598 --> 00:51:50,398
Do you mind if I eat? It's gonna be
awhile before the cops get here.

713
00:51:50,399 --> 00:51:54,597
- The cops?
- Yes. The cops. Geez.

714
00:51:54,598 --> 00:51:56,629
You grabbed Ms. Hartnett's breasts.

715
00:51:56,630 --> 00:52:00,229
That's sexual assault.
I mean, don't flatter yourself.

716
00:52:00,230 --> 00:52:03,023
They're also coming for some moron
bus driver who was toking it up

717
00:52:03,025 --> 00:52:06,897
in one of the parked vehicles,
but you're the main focus.

718
00:52:14,297 --> 00:52:16,163
So...

719
00:52:16,164 --> 00:52:19,666
I don't mean to be flippant
about your situation,

720
00:52:19,668 --> 00:52:22,484
but in an overcrowded
public school like this,

721
00:52:22,486 --> 00:52:25,315
if one of you students wants to
flush your future down the crapper

722
00:52:25,317 --> 00:52:29,764
and I get to expel you, I am not
losing my appetite over that.

723
00:52:31,164 --> 00:52:34,762
- Shit.
- Fuck.

724
00:52:36,197 --> 00:52:38,764
All right, let's run
down the hit list.

725
00:52:39,364 --> 00:52:41,996
You molested a teacher.

726
00:52:41,997 --> 00:52:45,642
You sexually harassed a
female freshman student

727
00:52:45,644 --> 00:52:49,380
and a male hall monitor. And then...

728
00:52:49,382 --> 00:52:53,162
This is funny. You got in a
fight with a girl and you lost.

729
00:52:53,163 --> 00:52:56,195
She curb-stomped my genitals.
With her shoes.

730
00:52:56,196 --> 00:53:00,396
Mm-hmm. Then I called your mom. Your mom
and dad are on their way, by the way.

731
00:53:00,397 --> 00:53:02,862
And she said that she caught
you masturbating this morning.

732
00:53:02,863 --> 00:53:05,464
It was a wet dream.
I wasn't masturbating.

733
00:53:05,465 --> 00:53:12,263
Whatever. Seems like to me you're going
for a varsity letter in sexual deviancy.

734
00:53:12,264 --> 00:53:15,464
- Can I go to the bathroom?
- Yeah, in your pants.

735
00:53:15,465 --> 00:53:18,261
'Cause you're not
leaving this office.

736
00:53:18,430 --> 00:53:22,497
All right. Let's take a look.

737
00:53:23,497 --> 00:53:26,353
I can't figure out what would
make a boy like you snap.

738
00:53:26,355 --> 00:53:30,631
I mean, up to this point,
no missteps.

739
00:53:31,231 --> 00:53:34,998
What would make a boy
like you do what you did?

740
00:53:35,398 --> 00:53:40,764
I mean, it's a big question.
Is society at fault? Probably.

741
00:53:41,764 --> 00:53:46,895
Have you got bad wiring?
Were you not hugged enough as a kid?

742
00:53:47,397 --> 00:53:49,596
Rob, Rob, Robbie.

743
00:53:49,597 --> 00:53:53,464
I mean, what is it?
You take Paxil or something?

744
00:53:54,464 --> 00:53:57,031
Maybe it's your home life.

745
00:53:59,031 --> 00:54:02,963
I don't know. Maybe you
have horrible parents.

746
00:54:02,964 --> 00:54:08,998
But here is the hard truth that
America is not prepared to admit.

747
00:54:09,498 --> 00:54:14,430
We're all just... filthy animals.

748
00:54:14,431 --> 00:54:18,697
And to expect us to play
by the prude rules...

749
00:54:19,697 --> 00:54:22,462
that's ri-goddamn-diculous.

750
00:54:23,629 --> 00:54:26,595
I mean, what you did
to Ms. Hartnett...

751
00:54:28,530 --> 00:54:31,362
We were all thinking about it.

752
00:54:33,796 --> 00:54:36,529
As long as you don't sell crack
or burn the campus down,

753
00:54:36,530 --> 00:54:40,298
I really don't care if you
play a little ass-grab, but...

754
00:54:40,299 --> 00:54:45,318
I mean, hell, if I had the budget,
I would build us a windowless room

755
00:54:45,320 --> 00:54:50,897
where you perverts could just go in
there and poke and grab all day long.

756
00:54:51,197 --> 00:54:56,961
And I'd make it all out of cement, you know,
so you could hose down all the... fluids.

757
00:54:57,329 --> 00:54:59,362
Come on!

758
00:55:00,663 --> 00:55:04,662
- Is that semen?
- It's just a little mayo.

759
00:55:06,863 --> 00:55:08,995
My daughter made me that sandwich!

760
00:55:08,996 --> 00:55:11,164
That's a special sandwich,
you little pervert!

761
00:55:11,165 --> 00:55:12,497
Ohh!

762
00:55:14,431 --> 00:55:16,897
- Cops are here.
- Yeah, I know.

763
00:55:17,697 --> 00:55:20,729
- Dude, you got to get me out of here.
- Come on.

764
00:55:24,397 --> 00:55:27,697
Uh, you do know that you're in
the girls' locker room, don't you?

765
00:55:27,698 --> 00:55:30,829
Tell that to your Adam's apple.

766
00:55:33,696 --> 00:55:35,631
Uh, sorry.

767
00:55:36,131 --> 00:55:38,097
- Hide here until it's safe to leave.
- What?

768
00:55:38,098 --> 00:55:40,229
Don't go anywhere.

769
00:55:49,863 --> 00:55:51,597
Come on!

770
00:55:52,197 --> 00:55:55,195
What the fuck is wrong with you?

771
00:55:57,929 --> 00:56:00,297
Are you talking to me?

772
00:56:01,097 --> 00:56:05,864
No. I was yelling at my dick
because it won't get hard.

773
00:56:06,364 --> 00:56:08,362
There's a guy in there.
I think he's...

774
00:56:08,363 --> 00:56:12,628
Molesting himself? It sure sound
like it. Do you want to watch?

775
00:56:15,896 --> 00:56:18,461
Hey, man. What the
fuck are you doing?

776
00:56:18,462 --> 00:56:20,624
I really need to jerk off,
but it's not working,

777
00:56:20,626 --> 00:56:24,396
- and I think I might have broken it.
- Wait. Why do you need to jerk off?

778
00:56:24,397 --> 00:56:27,483
Dude, I really don't have time to
explain right now. Just help me or...

779
00:56:27,485 --> 00:56:29,696
get the fuck away.

780
00:56:37,764 --> 00:56:40,264
You want sto fuck mistah?

781
00:56:40,265 --> 00:56:46,131
I'll fuck you first one free. I'll give
you all my holes. Even brown one.

782
00:56:46,331 --> 00:56:48,564
- Stanley?
- Yeah?

783
00:56:49,064 --> 00:56:51,576
- What the fuck are you doing?
- I'm trying to help.

784
00:56:51,578 --> 00:56:54,463
I went Asian.
Asian seems right, you know?

785
00:56:54,464 --> 00:56:58,130
Put your egg roll in my sticky bun!

786
00:56:58,131 --> 00:57:01,729
Ooh, we do fucky-fucky! Fucky now!

787
00:57:01,730 --> 00:57:04,428
- Let's do fucky-fucky!
- Shut the hell up.

788
00:57:04,429 --> 00:57:07,595
- You shut the hell up!
- Stanley, come on. Stop, man.

789
00:57:07,596 --> 00:57:10,497
- I really need to focus.
- Oh, no. Do me!

790
00:57:10,498 --> 00:57:14,363
Do me doggie style,
then we eat dog! Woof!

791
00:57:14,364 --> 00:57:16,164
Come on, man. Please stop.
You're ruining it.

792
00:57:16,165 --> 00:57:19,796
No, you stop, Mr. America. Choke me.

793
00:57:19,797 --> 00:57:22,429
Choke me! Choke me!

794
00:57:22,430 --> 00:57:24,730
You fuck her from the front, "g."

795
00:57:24,731 --> 00:57:27,863
I'mma fuck her from the back. Yeah.

796
00:57:27,864 --> 00:57:29,763
What the hell is that?

797
00:57:29,764 --> 00:57:31,764
It's the only other voice I can do.

798
00:57:35,363 --> 00:57:40,228
I'm gonna go find the cops. Maybe getting
raped in jail is gonna do the trick.

799
00:57:46,263 --> 00:57:47,462
Oh, no.

800
00:57:57,096 --> 00:58:01,362
Just... throw the sheets
in the laundry, hon.

801
00:58:02,829 --> 00:58:05,597
You got to be fucking kidding me!

802
00:58:05,897 --> 00:58:11,562
What was that, Robert?! You got to be
fucking kidding <i>me!</i> Look at yourself!

803
00:58:11,563 --> 00:58:13,996
I'm sorry, mom.

804
00:58:14,297 --> 00:58:17,264
I can't believe this
is my fucking life.

805
00:58:24,596 --> 00:58:26,230
You're not gonna lock your bike up?

806
00:58:26,231 --> 00:58:28,064
Hey, guys.

807
00:58:29,264 --> 00:58:31,029
- What time are you flying out, Artie?
- Funny, Stanley.

808
00:58:31,030 --> 00:58:34,862
Too bad the special Olympics
doesn't have a comedy competition.

809
00:58:34,863 --> 00:58:37,797
So, Rob, Gabrielle told me
your Georgetown interview is...

810
00:58:37,798 --> 00:58:41,196
Today. And no, I don't
want to drop your name.

811
00:58:41,197 --> 00:58:45,330
I mean, I could, but, you know,
I'd rather not be associated with you.

812
00:58:45,331 --> 00:58:48,963
- Rob. What's wrong?
- It's not the interview.

813
00:58:48,964 --> 00:58:52,496
- You want to talk about it?
- I'm good.

814
00:58:52,797 --> 00:58:56,864
- Well, it's bee day, right?
- Yeah, about that. I have to cancel.

815
00:58:56,865 --> 00:59:01,228
- Really? Just like that?
- Yes, just like that.

816
00:59:04,163 --> 00:59:05,097
Hey!

817
00:59:06,797 --> 00:59:08,767
I don't know what's going
on here, but promise me

818
00:59:08,769 --> 00:59:11,162
you'll turn the darkness
off for your interview.

819
00:59:11,163 --> 00:59:13,395
- Why?
- 'Cause you've worked your ass off for it.

820
00:59:13,396 --> 00:59:15,395
And I need to know you're
not gonna throw it away.

821
00:59:15,396 --> 00:59:17,129
If I have to do the interview
with you, I will.

822
00:59:17,130 --> 00:59:21,695
Stop fucking around, man. I'm not...
I'm not in a good place right now.

823
00:59:21,696 --> 00:59:25,863
I'm not fucking around. You're my
best friend. I'd do anything for you.

824
00:59:26,463 --> 00:59:29,662
- Do you mean that?
- Yeah. I mean that.

825
00:59:30,130 --> 00:59:32,397
I mean, 'cause you've never
really told me that before.

826
00:59:32,398 --> 00:59:34,630
Well, I never knew I had to.

827
00:59:36,230 --> 00:59:40,996
I don't know, you're just...
you're always so vulgar, you know?

828
00:59:40,997 --> 00:59:44,530
I bury my emotions.
It's a defense mechanism.

829
00:59:47,530 --> 00:59:50,294
- I'm gonna hug you now.
- I know.

830
00:59:53,229 --> 00:59:55,729
- Hey, guys.
- Oh.

831
00:59:55,730 --> 00:59:58,829
- Hi, Angela.
- Hey... Angela. How are you?

832
00:59:58,830 --> 01:00:00,963
Why are you guys hugging?

833
01:00:00,964 --> 01:00:05,497
It's 2013, Angela. Men hug now,
you know? Deal with it.

834
01:00:06,297 --> 01:00:10,528
So, Rob. Um, I was gonna come find
you later, but since you're here,

835
01:00:10,529 --> 01:00:13,264
I know our tutoring session isn't
technically supposed to be until Thursday,

836
01:00:13,266 --> 01:00:17,362
- but...
- Tonight. Um... Yeah. Sure.

837
01:00:18,363 --> 01:00:22,030
Great. And could we
do it at my house?

838
01:00:22,430 --> 01:00:26,596
- If we have to.
- Perfect. Come over around 7:00.

839
01:00:26,597 --> 01:00:29,461
- Great.
- Nice hoodie.

840
01:00:31,462 --> 01:00:34,162
Tracing the man's slow
fall into madness.

841
01:00:34,163 --> 01:00:38,730
I'll start reading and then we'll go
around the room counterclockwise.

842
01:00:38,731 --> 01:00:41,162
Okay, let's get started.

843
01:00:41,163 --> 01:00:44,662
Mr. Crabbe, would you mind taking
your seat so we can begin?

844
01:00:44,663 --> 01:00:47,930
Oh, no, if it's okay,
I'm just... I'm gonna stand.

845
01:00:48,230 --> 01:00:50,895
No, it's not okay.

846
01:00:59,562 --> 01:01:01,697
I need Rob Crabbe to the main office.

847
01:01:01,698 --> 01:01:05,395
Oh, wow. Aren't you
glad I took my seat?

848
01:01:08,796 --> 01:01:14,363
As I recite the poem out loud, listen for
the repetition of the word "nevermore."

849
01:01:14,364 --> 01:01:16,363
Gabs?

850
01:01:17,097 --> 01:01:19,247
..."while I pondered weak and weary,

851
01:01:19,249 --> 01:01:24,495
over many a quaint and curious
volume of forgotten lore"...

852
01:01:25,696 --> 01:01:28,864
Mr. Crabbe, good to meet you,
young man. How's your day going?

853
01:01:28,865 --> 01:01:33,797
Not gonna lie. Today has been
a never-ending cluster fuck.

854
01:01:34,797 --> 01:01:38,948
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
But as I've learned,

855
01:01:38,950 --> 01:01:43,363
in the light of some recent difficult
events, each day is a gift.

856
01:01:43,364 --> 01:01:47,061
Yeah, it is a gift you can't return.

857
01:01:49,396 --> 01:01:52,963
You have a very
impressive application.

858
01:01:52,964 --> 01:01:57,196
Everything on there was designed
to solicit that exact response.

859
01:01:57,197 --> 01:02:00,529
- What?
- I have lived to get into this school.

860
01:02:00,530 --> 01:02:03,245
You know I even have a set of
perfectly scripted responses

861
01:02:03,247 --> 01:02:06,595
to virtually every question
that you could ever ask?

862
01:02:06,596 --> 01:02:10,897
Hell, at one point, I was so nervous
I might have even over-performed.

863
01:02:10,898 --> 01:02:13,796
- But not now.
- Why? Why not now?

864
01:02:13,797 --> 01:02:16,628
Oh, I could tell you,
but you'd never believe me.

865
01:02:16,629 --> 01:02:20,962
Is it the pressure? Because I can
tell you, you're a lock for our school.

866
01:02:20,963 --> 01:02:25,970
Is it a girl? Is it a girl? I can tell you,
there's gonna be others. There will.

867
01:02:25,972 --> 01:02:30,763
And when the right one
presents herself... She will...

868
01:02:30,764 --> 01:02:34,662
Oh, God. I was really hoping
you wouldn't cry this time.

869
01:02:34,663 --> 01:02:37,316
- What?
- Nothing. Here's the problem.

870
01:02:37,318 --> 01:02:41,428
There are certain things
that I thought I wanted,

871
01:02:41,430 --> 01:02:45,137
like getting in to Georgetown
or fucking Angela Yearwood,

872
01:02:45,139 --> 01:02:48,662
but then I realized I don't
actually want any of those things.

873
01:02:48,663 --> 01:02:51,561
- Uh...
- Other people just want them for me.

874
01:02:51,562 --> 01:02:53,630
Having sex is nothing
you should take lightly.

875
01:02:53,631 --> 01:02:57,930
I know that. I've had, like,
seven orgasms so far today.

876
01:02:59,430 --> 01:03:01,295
Holy shit.

877
01:03:04,362 --> 01:03:06,430
How'd it go?

878
01:03:07,030 --> 01:03:11,297
Look on the bright side. Tonight you
get to have sex with Angela Yearwood.

879
01:03:11,298 --> 01:03:15,528
No. The worst part is I don't.

880
01:03:23,397 --> 01:03:28,829
- Hey. I thought you had to cancel.
- Can I come in? I'm not good.

881
01:03:28,830 --> 01:03:32,325
And I don't even get to
actually have sex. I just...

882
01:03:32,327 --> 01:03:37,696
orgasm prematurely and then
I wake up back in my room.

883
01:03:37,697 --> 01:03:43,330
And then my mom comes in to find
me sitting on a massive wet spot.

884
01:03:43,830 --> 01:03:45,396
Do you believe me?

885
01:03:45,397 --> 01:03:48,361
Only the part about you waking up in
a massive wet spot every morning.

886
01:03:48,362 --> 01:03:52,363
Gabs, I know that this sounds
fucking crazy, but I'm serious.

887
01:03:52,364 --> 01:03:54,496
Okay, what am I gonna say now?

888
01:03:54,497 --> 01:03:57,795
I don't know. I...
I haven't done this part yet.

889
01:03:57,796 --> 01:04:01,397
Oh, okay, so every day is not the same.
You can do different things.

890
01:04:01,398 --> 01:04:06,529
Yes, yes, but... inevitably,
I have an orgasm.

891
01:04:06,530 --> 01:04:11,196
- Okay. All right. That's... great.
- You got to believe me.

892
01:04:11,197 --> 01:04:15,396
I don't, but, uh, I'm worried
about you now, so...

893
01:04:15,397 --> 01:04:17,163
Walk me through this
never-ending day?

894
01:04:17,164 --> 01:04:20,195
Okay, um... Well, I wake up...

895
01:04:20,196 --> 01:04:22,695
- Just... throw the sheets in...
- Smell of a champ...

896
01:04:22,696 --> 01:04:24,395
- Rob!
- Hi, guys.

897
01:04:24,396 --> 01:04:25,795
- A mammogram.
- Nevermore.

898
01:04:25,796 --> 01:04:28,763
- Pongsaklek Wonjongkam.
- No.

899
01:04:28,764 --> 01:04:31,796
- Can I confess something to you?
- Ka-boom.

900
01:04:32,397 --> 01:04:34,463
And that's all you can think of?

901
01:04:34,464 --> 01:04:39,734
Well, one time Sally Levinson
kicked an orgasm out of me, but...

902
01:04:39,736 --> 01:04:43,963
- those are the constants.
- Right.

903
01:04:44,963 --> 01:04:48,030
Look, it's, uh, it's getting
late and I have a test tomorrow.

904
01:04:48,031 --> 01:04:51,929
Gabs, come on, okay?
Please? Please help me.

905
01:04:51,930 --> 01:04:54,890
Look, if you're just gonna live this day
over again, you got to tell me earlier.

906
01:04:54,892 --> 01:04:56,329
Like, third period.

907
01:04:56,330 --> 01:04:59,096
And have you not believe
me again? Thanks.

908
01:04:59,097 --> 01:05:03,030
Okay, look. Just, if you
want me to believe you...

909
01:05:03,530 --> 01:05:08,684
When you tell me your story, just
mention the Abraham Lincoln sex fantasy

910
01:05:08,686 --> 01:05:11,129
and I will believe you.

911
01:05:11,130 --> 01:05:14,096
Ew. You have an Abraham
Lincoln sex fantasy?

912
01:05:14,097 --> 01:05:17,429
I had a dream where he...

913
01:05:17,430 --> 01:05:19,963
emancipated my g-spot.

914
01:05:20,463 --> 01:05:23,962
- It was unforgettable.
- Oh, my God.

915
01:05:23,963 --> 01:05:27,296
- Okay, do you want my help or not?
- Just forget it.

916
01:05:27,996 --> 01:05:30,397
We do have one other option.

917
01:05:31,197 --> 01:05:34,130
We can talk to the
smartest person I know.

918
01:05:34,830 --> 01:05:38,897
You've come to me for help.
Pardon me while I savor this moment.

919
01:05:39,397 --> 01:05:42,128
- Told you this was a bad idea.
- Just wait.

920
01:05:42,129 --> 01:05:43,994
Arthur, we really need your help.

921
01:05:43,995 --> 01:05:46,477
While I applaud your decision
to discuss the matter with me,

922
01:05:46,479 --> 01:05:51,795
I have little experience with
mental illness. Also, he's a dick.

923
01:05:53,209 --> 01:05:56,541
You didn't tell me you
were having friends over.

924
01:05:56,542 --> 01:05:59,333
I didn't know. They just showed up.

925
01:05:59,334 --> 01:06:01,666
Nana doesn't like unexpected guests.

926
01:06:01,667 --> 01:06:03,291
- But I didn't...
- They have to leave!

927
01:06:03,292 --> 01:06:06,041
- But...
- This is not up for debate!

928
01:06:06,042 --> 01:06:07,999
Please calm down.

929
01:06:08,000 --> 01:06:13,249
Get them out now before
somebody gets hurt!

930
01:06:14,763 --> 01:06:19,861
I'm sorry, guys, but my mom says you
have to leave before my Nana sees you.

931
01:06:19,862 --> 01:06:21,597
Why? What's up with your Nana?

932
01:06:25,664 --> 01:06:27,429
Mama, no!

933
01:06:28,130 --> 01:06:30,397
Aah! Mama!

934
01:06:31,397 --> 01:06:33,663
What the fuck?!

935
01:06:34,163 --> 01:06:37,130
Mama! Mama!

936
01:06:49,828 --> 01:06:51,429
Mama?

937
01:06:53,030 --> 01:06:54,862
Is she dead?

938
01:06:58,164 --> 01:06:59,629
Oh, no!

939
01:07:00,829 --> 01:07:05,062
Oh, no! Get her off of me!
Get her off of me!

940
01:07:10,162 --> 01:07:13,928
Get her off! Get... her... off.

941
01:07:24,129 --> 01:07:25,762
Jadoogar.

942
01:07:28,096 --> 01:07:29,628
- Where are you going?
- School.

943
01:07:29,629 --> 01:07:32,461
- Not like that.
- It's okay. It get a do-over.

944
01:07:36,696 --> 01:07:38,362
Hey, Arthur.

945
01:07:38,363 --> 01:07:40,994
- Oh, hey, Rob. I got beer for tonight.
- I need to talk to you.

946
01:07:40,995 --> 01:07:43,213
- I'm pretty busy.
- Are you okay?

947
01:07:43,215 --> 01:07:46,117
No. I'm not okay.
I'm stuck in the same day,

948
01:07:46,119 --> 01:07:49,761
and it's a fucking hell that you can't
even fathom, and it just keeps happening.

949
01:07:49,762 --> 01:07:53,897
I wake up, life kicks the shit out
of me, and then I have an orgasm,

950
01:07:53,899 --> 01:07:57,365
and then I live the same day all over
again, and I know that that sounds crazy,

951
01:07:57,367 --> 01:08:01,061
but it's true, and I think that this
little fucker can explain it to me.

952
01:08:01,062 --> 01:08:03,395
Wow, I've never seen
a midlife crisis before.

953
01:08:03,396 --> 01:08:06,125
- He's 17.
- I always saw him going young.

954
01:08:06,127 --> 01:08:09,662
Drugs or a plane crash.
Anyway, hope it works out, Rob.

955
01:08:09,663 --> 01:08:11,161
- Whoa, whoa, okay.
- Watch it.

956
01:08:11,162 --> 01:08:14,430
- These fibers are delicate.
- All right, so, he's, like, 5.

957
01:08:14,431 --> 01:08:15,929
- Hey, no!
- Hey!

958
01:08:15,930 --> 01:08:19,296
Get back here!
Get back here, you little shit!

959
01:08:19,297 --> 01:08:20,995
Arthur!

960
01:08:20,996 --> 01:08:22,761
Arthur!

961
01:08:27,663 --> 01:08:29,861
Oh, no. Oh.

962
01:08:47,828 --> 01:08:49,975
He's in there.

963
01:08:50,277 --> 01:08:53,397
I'll give you two minutes,
but make it rough on him.

964
01:08:53,398 --> 01:08:57,694
I'm talking "slamming balls
on the toilet seat" rough.

965
01:09:05,562 --> 01:09:07,829
Hey, whoa, whoa.
Uh, maintenance. Keep it moving.

966
01:09:07,830 --> 01:09:11,361
- But it's an emergency.
- I'll fucking kill you.

967
01:09:16,163 --> 01:09:18,927
Please stop! Someone just
pooped in here! I can smell it!

968
01:09:18,928 --> 01:09:21,729
- What does a "jadoogar" mean?
- Wait, what?

969
01:09:23,729 --> 01:09:26,629
- What does "jadoogar" mean?!
- "Curse"! I think it means "curse"!

970
01:09:26,630 --> 01:09:29,230
- What kind of curse?!
- Like a jinx!

971
01:09:30,530 --> 01:09:32,527
- How do I get rid of one?!
- How should I know?!

972
01:09:32,528 --> 01:09:34,685
- Because your grandma put it on me!
- That's crazy!

973
01:09:34,687 --> 01:09:38,929
- My Nana doesn't even know who you are!
- Your Nana put a fucking jadoogar on me!

974
01:09:38,930 --> 01:09:42,383
No! No way! Please
don't dunk me again.

975
01:09:42,385 --> 01:09:45,696
I can feel sores opening up
on my lips and in my mouth.

976
01:09:52,062 --> 01:09:53,596
Here.

977
01:09:56,863 --> 01:10:00,560
If I had a knife, I'd stab
you in the fucking throat.

978
01:10:08,329 --> 01:10:09,694
- Have you checked your voicemail?
- Are you okay?

979
01:10:09,695 --> 01:10:11,328
- You're acting kind of weird.
- The most amazing thing...

980
01:10:11,329 --> 01:10:13,728
- I'm cursed.
- What do you mean, you're cursed?

981
01:10:13,729 --> 01:10:16,110
That first-generation asshole
just told me that I'm cursed

982
01:10:16,112 --> 01:10:18,827
and that this fucking shit-storm of a
day is just going to keep repeating.

983
01:10:18,828 --> 01:10:20,473
- That's ridiculous.
- You know what's ridiculous?

984
01:10:20,475 --> 01:10:23,194
Is wanting to have sexual
intercourse with Abraham Lincoln.

985
01:10:23,195 --> 01:10:24,394
How do you know about that?

986
01:10:24,395 --> 01:10:27,261
Because I've been through every
nook and cranny today has to offer.

987
01:10:27,262 --> 01:10:29,995
You told me to say it,
at 9:00 tonight yesterday.

988
01:10:29,996 --> 01:10:32,403
And then I blew a load on
Arthur's mom's ample chest,

989
01:10:32,405 --> 01:10:34,994
- and then I woke up back where I started.
- Whatever, dude. Listen, this morning...

990
01:10:34,995 --> 01:10:37,762
Lisa's a jizz Jedi.
Nobody cares right now.

991
01:10:38,362 --> 01:10:41,830
- Not like a curse is such a big deal.
- Well, if it's not, then solve it for me.

992
01:10:41,831 --> 01:10:43,595
Okay, it's pretty simple.

993
01:10:43,596 --> 01:10:46,561
A curse is the universe trying to
make you right a cosmic wrong.

994
01:10:46,562 --> 01:10:48,894
You have to figure out what
made the curse start and fix it.

995
01:10:48,895 --> 01:10:51,961
- And how do you know that?
- Duh... the curse of the Bambino.

996
01:10:51,962 --> 01:10:55,726
By some sort of divine intervention,
the Boston Red Sox got Babe Ruth,

997
01:10:55,728 --> 01:10:57,576
and they traded him to the Yankees.

998
01:10:57,578 --> 01:11:00,161
To break the curse,
they had to beat the yanks.

999
01:11:00,162 --> 01:11:03,994
It took them over 80 fucking years, but they
fixed it. The universe is a cruel bitch.

1000
01:11:03,995 --> 01:11:07,827
You know, Stanley, you can always say,
"I don't know" every once in awhile.

1001
01:11:07,828 --> 01:11:10,594
You don't always have to bullshit every
time there's a pause in the conversation.

1002
01:11:10,595 --> 01:11:14,997
Oh, well, if you have a better idea, why are
you still stuck in the same fucking day?

1003
01:11:15,397 --> 01:11:20,430
Curses are bullshit. Now say sorry and go
conquer that which has been unconquerable.

1004
01:11:20,431 --> 01:11:22,228
Angela.

1005
01:11:22,929 --> 01:11:24,528
- I got to go.
- Hey!

1006
01:11:24,529 --> 01:11:27,161
Dude, I'm still waiting
for the apology.

1007
01:11:27,162 --> 01:11:30,022
Kids, tomorrow I'm going to be out
with a substitute and the next day

1008
01:11:30,024 --> 01:11:32,996
I'm gonna have a big story to
tell you all about my mammogram.

1009
01:11:32,997 --> 01:11:34,962
- Uh, Miss Marconi.
- Rob?

1010
01:11:34,963 --> 01:11:37,397
Angela's wanted down
at the main office.

1011
01:11:37,398 --> 01:11:40,129
- Do you have a pass?
- No.

1012
01:11:40,130 --> 01:11:43,595
- Then she can't go with you.
- Uh, fine.

1013
01:11:43,596 --> 01:11:49,729
Angela, tonight. I am coming
over and not for tutoring.

1014
01:11:50,729 --> 01:11:53,029
- Rob.
- What?

1015
01:11:53,529 --> 01:11:57,363
- Spelling bee.
- Seriously? Spelling bee?

1016
01:11:58,663 --> 01:12:01,963
- You okay with that?
- Sure.

1017
01:12:02,363 --> 01:12:05,061
You may continue your class now.

1018
01:12:08,995 --> 01:12:12,661
Okay, I need you to tell me everything
you know about pleasing a woman.

1019
01:12:18,662 --> 01:12:20,429
Jesus.

1020
01:12:20,430 --> 01:12:23,296
He's like the bill
belichick of lady parts.

1021
01:12:24,696 --> 01:12:29,127
- Promise me you won't watch.
- I can make no such promises.

1022
01:12:42,429 --> 01:12:44,694
Aw, motherfucker!

1023
01:12:47,528 --> 01:12:49,129
What made you do this?

1024
01:12:49,130 --> 01:12:52,769
You know, I wanted to for,
like, the longest time,

1025
01:12:52,771 --> 01:12:56,596
and it felt like you were finally
starting to notice me, you know?

1026
01:12:56,597 --> 01:13:00,762
Like, maybe the universe
wanted this to happen.

1027
01:13:08,029 --> 01:13:11,361
This is really nice. Usually
I'm with older guys, so...

1028
01:13:11,362 --> 01:13:14,629
Yeah, well, I am more romance,
less body hair, so...

1029
01:13:19,762 --> 01:13:21,694
You know what could be really fun?

1030
01:13:21,695 --> 01:13:24,430
If we stopped studying
altogether and just did this.

1031
01:13:24,631 --> 01:13:26,195
Okay.

1032
01:13:26,596 --> 01:13:29,194
That way, I mean, you just have to,
like, hook me up with cheat sheets

1033
01:13:29,196 --> 01:13:31,263
and write my papers for me.

1034
01:13:32,064 --> 01:13:34,595
But I tutor you.

1035
01:13:34,596 --> 01:13:37,162
Yeah, but isn't this better?

1036
01:13:37,163 --> 01:13:39,378
I mean, we can fun during
our study sessions,

1037
01:13:39,380 --> 01:13:41,996
and then you can go home
and do my work after.

1038
01:13:47,195 --> 01:13:49,196
Okay, but...

1039
01:13:49,198 --> 01:13:52,928
You don't ever have to
act cool around me.

1040
01:13:52,929 --> 01:13:53,928
What?

1041
01:13:53,929 --> 01:13:58,795
I thought that's why you like me,
that and I make you feel safe.

1042
01:13:58,996 --> 01:14:01,194
I never said that.

1043
01:14:04,628 --> 01:14:08,527
You are right. Um... Look,

1044
01:14:08,529 --> 01:14:14,795
Angela, you are obviously very, very hot,
but, you know what? This never works out.

1045
01:14:14,796 --> 01:14:19,962
I mean, I have tried to have sex with
you like six times, and I'm done.

1046
01:14:19,963 --> 01:14:23,994
I mean, I don't know where I'm supposed
to be, but it is definitely not here.

1047
01:14:23,995 --> 01:14:27,827
And I'm sorry... white zinfandel?
What are you? Like, 45?

1048
01:14:27,828 --> 01:14:29,996
Okay, then you can get
the fuck out of here.

1049
01:14:29,997 --> 01:14:31,594
Will do.

1050
01:14:35,229 --> 01:14:39,494
Dick. White zin's delish.

1051
01:14:41,129 --> 01:14:43,530
- That was quick.
- Go fuck yourself.

1052
01:14:54,561 --> 01:14:58,496
I talked to my buddies in admissions.
You don't think I would have found out

1053
01:14:58,498 --> 01:15:00,994
- that you blew off the interview?
- How'd you even find me?

1054
01:15:00,995 --> 01:15:04,163
I went to Gabrielle's to tear
you away from the spelling bee.

1055
01:15:04,164 --> 01:15:08,528
She told me you went over to
"what's-her-slut's"... her words.

1056
01:15:08,529 --> 01:15:12,428
Dad, it has been a really long day.

1057
01:15:12,429 --> 01:15:16,628
Oh. It's not over yet. Here.

1058
01:15:16,629 --> 01:15:18,160
Put this on.

1059
01:15:30,828 --> 01:15:32,895
There he is.

1060
01:15:32,896 --> 01:15:38,294
Oh, Jesus. Okay.
Get your game face on.

1061
01:15:40,295 --> 01:15:42,695
Jack Roth?

1062
01:15:42,696 --> 01:15:44,095
Yeah?

1063
01:15:44,096 --> 01:15:48,162
I'm Jim Crabbe. This is my son, Rob.

1064
01:15:48,163 --> 01:15:51,196
We talked on the phone before.

1065
01:15:51,796 --> 01:15:55,195
Right. Right.

1066
01:15:55,595 --> 01:15:57,395
Have a seat.

1067
01:15:57,396 --> 01:15:59,461
Great.

1068
01:15:59,462 --> 01:16:01,362
Thanks for seeing us
before you left town.

1069
01:16:01,363 --> 01:16:05,720
Jim, could you go get us
some scotch? Couple scotches?

1070
01:16:05,722 --> 01:16:08,862
- Service here is shit.
- Oh, sure. Okay.

1071
01:16:08,863 --> 01:16:10,362
Um... What'll you have?

1072
01:16:10,363 --> 01:16:16,196
Dewar's on the rocks with
a twist. Make it a double.

1073
01:16:20,096 --> 01:16:22,696
Your dad really wants
you to go to Georgetown.

1074
01:16:22,697 --> 01:16:24,127
Yeah.

1075
01:16:25,695 --> 01:16:27,327
Do you?

1076
01:16:30,062 --> 01:16:32,296
What's going through
your mind right now?

1077
01:16:32,297 --> 01:16:37,127
Just that I can't wait
for this day to be over.

1078
01:16:37,728 --> 01:16:40,694
You and me both.

1079
01:16:43,129 --> 01:16:46,629
My cat shits outside of the box.

1080
01:16:47,629 --> 01:16:53,063
Not down the hall or in the basement or
in my bed, just right outside of the box.

1081
01:16:53,064 --> 01:16:57,062
- It's a big "fuck you."
- Yeah, what's up with that?

1082
01:16:57,063 --> 01:17:02,461
My wife passed away a few months ago.

1083
01:17:02,995 --> 01:17:06,927
And the cat really loved her.

1084
01:17:09,295 --> 01:17:13,862
He wishes I had died instead of her.
That's what he's saying.

1085
01:17:13,863 --> 01:17:18,462
Have you considered that maybe...
your cat's just an asshole?

1086
01:17:20,462 --> 01:17:23,229
He is an asshole.

1087
01:17:23,629 --> 01:17:26,060
Thank you.

1088
01:17:26,428 --> 01:17:28,495
There we go.

1089
01:17:29,096 --> 01:17:32,405
Jim, I was just asking your son
why he wants to go to Georgetown,

1090
01:17:32,407 --> 01:17:38,129
but I would like to hear it from you. Why
do you want him to go to Georgetown?

1091
01:17:38,529 --> 01:17:43,361
Well, my going there was the
transformative experience of my life.

1092
01:17:43,362 --> 01:17:47,863
And you just assume that what was
best for you is also the best for him?

1093
01:17:47,864 --> 01:17:51,316
Let me put it this way.
I had a choice.

1094
01:17:51,318 --> 01:17:54,161
It was either Georgetown or Yale.

1095
01:17:54,162 --> 01:17:57,129
Why did you choose Georgetown?

1096
01:17:57,729 --> 01:18:01,596
I actually... I didn't choose it.

1097
01:18:01,796 --> 01:18:04,694
Georgetown gave me a scholarship.

1098
01:18:05,928 --> 01:18:11,363
Sometimes the universe has a way of helping
when you're about to make a mistake.

1099
01:18:11,763 --> 01:18:14,529
You're on fire tonight.
Let's get some more drinks.

1100
01:18:14,530 --> 01:18:18,030
- Yeah. I'll get them. I'll get them.
- Okay.

1101
01:18:23,429 --> 01:18:26,528
- Is it French?
- Yes.

1102
01:18:26,529 --> 01:18:31,795
- Can I have the definition, please?
- "To determine or appoint beforehand."

1103
01:18:31,796 --> 01:18:33,827
Can you use it in a sentence, please?

1104
01:18:33,828 --> 01:18:36,096
It is debated whether
the events of our lives

1105
01:18:36,097 --> 01:18:40,561
are foreordained or the
product of our own brain."

1106
01:18:44,361 --> 01:18:46,695
I don't want to go to Georgetown.

1107
01:18:46,696 --> 01:18:51,762
- But all...
- Don't... react. Just feel.

1108
01:18:51,763 --> 01:18:53,794
Maybe I want to go.
Maybe not. It doesn't matter.

1109
01:18:53,795 --> 01:18:56,030
I'll go to a good school
no matter what, but...

1110
01:18:56,031 --> 01:19:01,928
The only thing I know right now
is that I really like Gabrielle.

1111
01:19:02,529 --> 01:19:05,128
Like, a lot, and, uh...

1112
01:19:05,129 --> 01:19:09,562
Every time today plays out,
I fuck it up.

1113
01:19:09,563 --> 01:19:13,529
And I'm not gonna let it happen again.
Gabrielle is my Georgetown.

1114
01:19:13,530 --> 01:19:17,395
I have no idea what that means,
but I support you.

1115
01:19:19,629 --> 01:19:22,328
It's gonna be okay.

1116
01:19:22,329 --> 01:19:24,561
Can I have my headband back?

1117
01:19:24,562 --> 01:19:25,927
Yeah.

1118
01:19:35,395 --> 01:19:38,661
- Looks better on you.
- Thanks, Jack.

1119
01:19:38,662 --> 01:19:40,562
Let's go get that fucking girl!

1120
01:19:40,563 --> 01:19:43,427
- Okeydoke.
- Yeah.

1121
01:19:53,161 --> 01:19:55,161
Get in!

1122
01:19:57,528 --> 01:19:59,862
- Can you drive?
- Sure.

1123
01:19:59,863 --> 01:20:03,296
- Okay.
- Why don't we get some fries, too?

1124
01:20:04,596 --> 01:20:06,395
Okay, so what do I do?

1125
01:20:06,396 --> 01:20:10,160
- Well, it's too late to knock.
- Which one is her window?

1126
01:20:12,194 --> 01:20:16,693
The light's still flickering.
Okay. Yes!

1127
01:20:18,228 --> 01:20:23,494
During your darkest time, why was there
only one set of footprints in the sand?

1128
01:20:25,261 --> 01:20:29,095
- What?
- Because I carried you, brother.

1129
01:20:30,095 --> 01:20:32,427
Get over here.

1130
01:20:34,428 --> 01:20:36,560
What are we doing?

1131
01:20:37,261 --> 01:20:39,860
You're gonna need a boost.

1132
01:20:49,395 --> 01:20:51,995
- What are you doing?
- I need to talk to you.

1133
01:20:54,429 --> 01:20:56,795
I didn't have sex with Angela.

1134
01:20:57,796 --> 01:20:58,695
N-o...

1135
01:20:58,696 --> 01:21:01,036
- Did you hear me?
- Yeah.

1136
01:21:01,038 --> 01:21:03,896
You didn't bang the
school slut. What a hero.

1137
01:21:03,897 --> 01:21:07,196
- Get the fuck out of my room.
- Gabs, come on.

1138
01:21:08,163 --> 01:21:10,495
Stop it, okay?

1139
01:21:15,961 --> 01:21:18,696
- Really?
- I'll buy you a new one. Just...

1140
01:21:18,698 --> 01:21:23,715
Listen, okay? When I woke up this
morning, I expected to be here tonight.

1141
01:21:23,717 --> 01:21:28,286
I mean, I couldn't imagine a scenario
where I wouldn't have been, but...

1142
01:21:28,288 --> 01:21:33,296
I lost sight of that. But I'm
here now, curse or no curse.

1143
01:21:33,496 --> 01:21:36,695
Rob! How's it going up there?

1144
01:21:36,696 --> 01:21:40,361
- Who's that?
- That is my Georgetown interviewer.

1145
01:21:40,362 --> 01:21:44,493
Rob, how's it going?! With the girl?!

1146
01:21:46,561 --> 01:21:47,594
What are they doing here?

1147
01:21:47,595 --> 01:21:51,396
We had a drink at the hotel.
Shit got deep. Just listen, okay?

1148
01:21:51,397 --> 01:21:54,361
I thought that I had
feelings for Angela.

1149
01:21:54,362 --> 01:21:55,943
- Rob, leave.
- Well, just let me finish.

1150
01:21:55,945 --> 01:21:58,696
- Angela isn't...
- Ugh! This isn't about Angela!

1151
01:21:58,697 --> 01:22:01,896
Just... get out.

1152
01:22:02,396 --> 01:22:04,660
I'm not going anywhere.

1153
01:22:07,395 --> 01:22:09,595
Okay. Fine.

1154
01:22:10,095 --> 01:22:13,528
I can end this. I just
have to finish you off.

1155
01:22:13,529 --> 01:22:16,160
Then you're out of my room and
you're back in yours. Okay?

1156
01:22:16,161 --> 01:22:17,561
- What?
- Let's go. Come on.

1157
01:22:17,562 --> 01:22:19,993
Whoa! Don't... do that.
Hey, whoa! Hold on!

1158
01:22:19,994 --> 01:22:22,060
- It'll be over really fast.
- Gabs, seriously, stop!

1159
01:22:22,061 --> 01:22:24,427
- Don't touch me!
- 'Cause that's not hurtful.

1160
01:22:24,428 --> 01:22:26,960
Well, if you would just...
Gabrielle, what are you doing?!

1161
01:22:26,961 --> 01:22:28,460
Take off your pants
so I can be alone!

1162
01:22:28,461 --> 01:22:29,596
Gabrielle!

1163
01:22:29,597 --> 01:22:32,528
- Oh, shit.
- Hi, Dad.

1164
01:22:32,529 --> 01:22:35,861
Oh, thank God, sir.

1165
01:22:35,862 --> 01:22:39,561
Please don't leave,
because your daughter...

1166
01:22:39,762 --> 01:22:43,671
She was trying to take
advantage of me, and, uh...

1167
01:22:43,673 --> 01:22:48,830
I just want to assure you that I do
not wish to do anything physical

1168
01:22:48,832 --> 01:22:53,295
with or to her. Right now.

1169
01:22:53,296 --> 01:22:57,962
I'd feel a lot better about this if
you put your shirt back on... dear.

1170
01:22:58,362 --> 01:23:01,593
Yeah. Sure. Here you go.

1171
01:23:03,061 --> 01:23:08,195
So... look, I'll leave,
if that's what you want, but...

1172
01:23:08,895 --> 01:23:14,395
I just want to say, um... I don't
know what I'd do without you.

1173
01:23:14,396 --> 01:23:18,129
I mean, you're, like, the only way
that I can get through the day.

1174
01:23:18,629 --> 01:23:23,093
Every night before I go to sleep,
I check to see if you texted me.

1175
01:23:23,994 --> 01:23:27,396
I mean, you were the one who told me to
stop wearing white socks with black pants.

1176
01:23:27,397 --> 01:23:28,927
It's not a good look.

1177
01:23:28,928 --> 01:23:32,696
You give me raisins in third period
so my blood sugar doesn't go low.

1178
01:23:32,697 --> 01:23:35,061
You don't eat properly.

1179
01:23:35,062 --> 01:23:37,260
You download Hall And
Oates songs onto my phone.

1180
01:23:37,261 --> 01:23:39,696
That started as a joke,
but now I like them.

1181
01:23:39,797 --> 01:23:42,793
- Me too.
- I love H&O.

1182
01:23:44,728 --> 01:23:48,969
Look, today has been terrible,
Gabrielle, each version of it,

1183
01:23:48,971 --> 01:23:55,361
but it's been worth it because today's the
day I finally realized how much I like you.

1184
01:23:55,362 --> 01:24:00,642
And now all I want to do is just sit...
several feet away from you

1185
01:24:00,644 --> 01:24:02,962
and watch the spelling bee.

1186
01:24:03,362 --> 01:24:06,894
But I obviously ruined
all that, so...

1187
01:24:06,895 --> 01:24:13,027
I'm just going to leave the way I
came in and hope I get another shot.

1188
01:24:25,761 --> 01:24:29,706
Oh, shit. So, um...

1189
01:24:31,134 --> 01:24:35,161
you're at that age.
You're gonna start having feelings.

1190
01:24:35,162 --> 01:24:37,062
Dad, I'd really be more comfortable
talking to mom about this.

1191
01:24:37,063 --> 01:24:40,428
Great. She'll be home later. Okay.

1192
01:24:40,828 --> 01:24:43,427
Okay, just go... go ahead and jump.
Just count to three and do it.

1193
01:24:43,428 --> 01:24:46,329
Yeah, but you're gonna want
to tuck and roll when you hit.

1194
01:24:46,330 --> 01:24:49,695
Go for a break, not a sprain.
Heals faster.

1195
01:24:49,696 --> 01:24:54,395
That's reassuring. Okay, three...

1196
01:24:54,396 --> 01:24:56,428
two...

1197
01:24:56,828 --> 01:25:00,029
You want to watch the
rest of the spelling bee?

1198
01:25:00,030 --> 01:25:01,829
Yeah.

1199
01:25:02,329 --> 01:25:04,062
Can you help me up now, please?

1200
01:25:04,063 --> 01:25:06,927
- Yeah. Yes. I can.
- Thank you.

1201
01:25:08,228 --> 01:25:10,429
What did I tell you?

1202
01:25:11,828 --> 01:25:14,061
Love is alive!

1203
01:25:18,161 --> 01:25:20,494
Use it in a sentence?

1204
01:25:29,828 --> 01:25:34,428
- This one looks young.
- Yeah, yeah. It's his first bee, so...

1205
01:25:34,429 --> 01:25:36,362
Is the language of origin French?

1206
01:25:36,363 --> 01:25:40,961
Origin. That is a great stall.
Don't spell it till you know it.

1207
01:25:40,962 --> 01:25:43,862
Oh, no. He's imploding.

1208
01:25:44,362 --> 01:25:47,394
- Oh, God. I can't watch.
- Oh, don't be such a pussy. Come on.

1209
01:25:47,395 --> 01:25:50,826
- Mnh-mnh. Nope. I'm not gonna watch it.
- Come on! Don't be s... oh, wow!

1210
01:25:50,827 --> 01:25:53,360
No, okay, you know what?
That's really bad.

1211
01:25:53,361 --> 01:25:57,162
Unfortunately, you've gone
over your allotted time.

1212
01:25:57,163 --> 01:25:59,560
You must leave the stage.

1213
01:26:01,094 --> 01:26:04,826
Does anyone know where his mother is?

1214
01:26:07,561 --> 01:26:10,428
I've liked you since we first met.

1215
01:26:10,928 --> 01:26:13,029
- When I had my lisp?
- Yes.

1216
01:26:15,095 --> 01:26:20,263
I was gonna tell you tonight, and then
I was hoping that the beer would help

1217
01:26:20,265 --> 01:26:22,761
and not make me burp.

1218
01:26:26,628 --> 01:26:30,293
I was always hoping we'd
be each other's firsts.

1219
01:26:31,528 --> 01:26:33,560
Me too.

1220
01:26:43,361 --> 01:26:45,129
What do you think's
going on in there?

1221
01:26:45,130 --> 01:26:49,994
I think... it feels kind of weird.

1222
01:26:49,995 --> 01:26:53,360
Shush. Do you hear that?

1223
01:26:54,428 --> 01:26:55,994
This feels awkward.

1224
01:26:55,995 --> 01:26:59,893
I feel... I feel unusually
comfortable.

1225
01:27:02,727 --> 01:27:04,161
Okay.

1226
01:27:05,762 --> 01:27:08,495
- Should we?
- Yes.

1227
01:27:08,496 --> 01:27:11,495
I mean, like, now?

1228
01:27:11,496 --> 01:27:13,962
Okay, but you should know I
haven't had the best luck with...

1229
01:27:13,963 --> 01:27:17,627
Rob, just try and relax.

1230
01:27:18,627 --> 01:27:21,027
Oh. Oh, no. Oh, God.

1231
01:27:22,962 --> 01:27:25,293
I... I'm sorry. I'm...

1232
01:27:40,228 --> 01:27:44,296
Rob? What happened?

1233
01:27:45,296 --> 01:27:48,259
I mean, besides the obvious.

1234
01:27:50,028 --> 01:27:52,594
I'm not in my bed.

1235
01:27:54,194 --> 01:27:56,527
I'm in your bed.

1236
01:27:57,527 --> 01:28:00,095
And my mom's not here.

1237
01:28:00,595 --> 01:28:04,362
- Do you need raisins?
- No.

1238
01:28:05,764 --> 01:28:08,295
I don't need anything.

1239
01:28:08,296 --> 01:28:11,660
I am right where I'm supposed to be.

1240
01:28:14,827 --> 01:28:17,661
- You know what?
- What?

1241
01:28:17,662 --> 01:28:19,728
We should have done
something like this sooner.

1242
01:28:20,628 --> 01:28:22,761
I've always wanted to.

1243
01:28:25,594 --> 01:28:28,027
Let's try it again.

1244
01:28:34,794 --> 01:28:38,094
That is a wrap! We have a champion!

1245
01:28:38,095 --> 01:28:40,360
Yay!

1246
01:29:05,094 --> 01:29:08,362
So, why do you want
to go to Georgetown?

1247
01:29:08,862 --> 01:29:10,460
George who?

1248
01:29:10,461 --> 01:29:15,228
Smart. Beautiful. You're
exactly what Georgetown needs.

1249
01:29:15,229 --> 01:29:18,961
- Are you married?
- No. Not anymore.

1250
01:29:19,362 --> 01:29:21,661
My wife is dead.

1251
01:29:31,462 --> 01:29:34,727
She curb-stomped my genitals.
With her shoes.

1252
01:29:34,728 --> 01:29:37,196
You should have punched
her in the pussy.

1253
01:29:38,396 --> 01:29:41,362
- Harder!
- Do it!

1254
01:29:42,362 --> 01:29:44,861
Give her a tit bruise!

1255
01:29:44,862 --> 01:29:46,727
Give her a tit bruise!

1256
01:29:46,728 --> 01:29:50,794
Squeeze her tit until milk comes out!

1257
01:29:50,795 --> 01:29:56,061
Hi, daddy. Fucking...
No, I can do this.

1258
01:29:56,062 --> 01:29:59,662
Hi, daddy. Welcome
to my pu pu platter.

1259
01:30:00,563 --> 01:30:01,560
Fuck.

1260
01:30:01,561 --> 01:30:03,694
I'll do anything. Anything.

1261
01:30:03,695 --> 01:30:06,129
Put my finger in my butt
and make me pump it.

1262
01:30:06,130 --> 01:30:09,094
I help you jerk off.
I make you explode.

1263
01:30:09,095 --> 01:30:12,761
Do me doggie style and
then we can eat dog.

1264
01:30:14,395 --> 01:30:17,829
I've had, like, seven
orgasms so far today.

1265
01:30:18,229 --> 01:30:19,961
Seven?

1266
01:30:20,961 --> 01:30:23,328
That's three more than me.

1267
01:30:23,329 --> 01:30:25,195
Seven?

1268
01:30:25,895 --> 01:30:27,762
You <i>have</i> to come to Georgetown.

1269
01:30:27,763 --> 01:30:31,627
You can make a lot
of money, young man.

1270
01:30:31,628 --> 01:30:34,995
That is so... wow.
Is that selling it?