Roddy! School.
Morning.
Get that would you?
If you're not giving me a lift I'll have to get another minicab.
Tristesse Books.
I've got 'Wuthering Heights' with my Year Tens. Hello. Yes?
Tristesse Books? Tom Duval?
Oh, yes, come in. Just down the hall..
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah,
he's a wonderful writer. Very unremittingly bleak. No,
Tristesse doesn't publish him any more.
Do you know what? He had a little disagreement with Tom..
Yeah, she's one of my favourites. Yeah.
Yea, she was long-listed for the Booker, you know? Right after she was sectioned.
No. She... she left too. Jane Lockhart.
What are you doing?
I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to...
I was just touching it.
Not like 'touching' it, that's like molesting. Like I'm some kind of pervert.
Which I'm not.
So, Young European Publisher of the Year, Runner Up? That's really impressive.
I have a swimming certificate.
Who the hell are you?
Jane Lockhart.
I wrote 'The Endless Anguish of My Father'.
Ah. Yes.
Follow me.
I'm busy, so I'll keep this brief. I read your novel.
I'm afraid it needs work. A lot of work.
Please. Sit down.
But it has potential, so I'm going to publish it.
I'm offering you a two-book deal. It's going mean a lot of rewriting...
...definitely a new title - and neither of us will get rich...
...but I think you have it in you to be a writer and, unfashionable...
...as it may seem, that's what I came here to find. I believe you are..
...crying.
Sorry.
I didn't mean to start...
It's just, it's been so long. So many rejections and I have a board...
You have a board?
Of rejection letters. I call it my Board of Pain.
Well that's completely normal.
It is?
I'm sorry. He was like this at university. Everywhere he went crying women.
You lot are supposed to be charming. Charmant, n'est-ce pas?
- I told you, never speak in French to me. - Don't you dare. - No, no, no really...
I've never been so happy in all my life.
Jane. There is no need to be nervous.
Nervous? Me? No. No. No. I'm not nervous. Not me. Okay, a little bit nervous.
You'll be fine.
Sorry it's just usually I need a run-up before I start editing.
Like tea. A walk. Regret in the shower.
Or we could just begin.
Okay. Okay, yes. So where do you want to begin?
Well, call me crazy, but we could start at the beginning.
Yeah. Okay, yeah. Crazy Frenchman.
What?
I don't know. Great.
So you're in a good mood.
I'm always in a good mood.
- No you're not. - Yes I am.
- Are you? - Yes.
Oh.
Well, actually I'm reading it right now...
"I shut my eyes and sank into the water letting it caress over my face and hair..."
I was just, you know, passing, and thought it might...
...have come back from the printer's and it actually has...
"Beneath my feet I felt crumbled pages.."
I don't believe this.
I'll call you back.
'Happy Ending'? 'Happy Ending'!?
What happened to 'The Endless Anguish of My Father'?
What happened? You know how important this stuff is. You changed my title! To that?
I told you. The very first time we met. I said it must go.
Yes but we never discussed it.
I knew how you'd react, darling.
Oi, careful. That's my Young Publisher of the Year award.
Runner-up!
What's wrong with you?
Who are you?
What?
All that time we spent together working on the manuscript.
No-one's ever got me the way you...
I don't know you.
Look, it was a terrible title and I changed it.
What's done is done. Let's move on.
How can it be so easy for you?
Perhaps because I am not a moderately talented writer whose...
...loser dad left her with an inability to stop worshipping her own pain.
Come, sit down. Let's talk about the launch.
You know what?
Our deal is one more book. And then what's done is done.
Let's move on.
'Most childhood summers are long and blue.
Mine wasn't like that. And certainly not the summer when mam got sick...'
She'd taken me to Woolworths to choose my birthday present...
...and it wouldn't be like last year when dad just slipped the...
...Barbie under his coat and walked right out of the door with it...'
Thank you for coming down.
One more. There you are.
And this is to...?
It's great to be here to present this award for...
...Best New Writer to an outstanding debut. 'Happy Ending'. Jane Lockhart.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
What we have here, is a real writer.
Someone who can go to some pretty dark places. But I get it, Jane.
Writers. We both understand what it is to face El Toro Blanco...
...the terror of the white bull, the blank page.
And every day we face it. Together. Right, Jane?
Ladies and Gentlemen, Jane Lockhart.
Thank you.
Yeah?
I'm starting the final chapter.
You'll have the manuscript by the end of the week.
About bloody time.
Ah Tom, as ever my little ray of sunshine.
Well, moan all you like, I've never been this-
Annoying?
Happy. You bastard. Happy.
So, one more chapter...
- Yes. - And we never have to see each other again.
Yes.
Better get writing then. A bientot, Jane.
Au revoir, Tom.
Willie. I'm off out for a bit.
Sure.
Just look at the chapter..
Listen, I don't care what you think.
I'm telling you, this is not an opening chapter. It's an Ice Age.
You can't talk to me like that.
I was voted one of Scotland's foremost novelists under the age of thirty.
And that's why I won't allow this piece of crap...
...to be published with your name on it.
You have my notes. Fix it.
Bye then Nicola. See you at the launch.
If you try to make me cry, I'll inform Inland Revenue about your yacht.
Hi.
If we have to talk figures, can you do that thing where you use vegetables?
Imagine this tomato is my cashflow.
How many new writers have you thrown money at this year?
I only throw money at good writers. Good Scottish writers. I'm very patriotic.
And what does it matter?
One hit pays for all the rest. And I have a bestseller in the wings.
Jane Lockhart. Yes. So how's the new book shaping up?
I have no idea.
She won't let me read a word until it's finished.
Relax. It'll be just like the first one.
I read that she was moving publisher.
Klinsch & McLeish - with the red and white covers? That's big time.
Klinsch & McLeish. You know what they're called in the trade?
Clench and Release. They're not right for my Jane.
- For Jane. - So talk to her. Persuade her to stay.
But I don't want her to stay.
After she delivers her new novel, I want her to go. Far away.
Oh for God's sake, Tom, Tristesse Books is on the verge of compulsory liquidation.
And, I've had an offer.
Well you're a very attractive...
Shut up.
They want to invest in you.
I don't need Pandemic Media.
I have Jane Lockhart and this time she's going all the way.
Are you sure? Because if she doesn't deliver...
...your tomatoes look like ketchup.
She'll deliver. She may be a miserable pain in the arse...
...but when she's writing, she's like a guided missile.
Tea-spoon?
Willie? Willie, will you get that?
Willie.
Hello?
Thursday or Friday for the manuscript?
Grease-proof paper.
I just want to check.
You're certain it will be finished next week?
I told you, one more chapter...
What are you doing?
Nothing.
Are you baking?
Oh my God, she's baking. She only bakes when she's blocked.
Largest planet in the solar system?
Jupiter.
Who did Ali beat to become...
...World Heavyweight Champion for the first time?
Sonny Liston. Come on, the quiz is gonna be harder than this. Get serious.
Who was Shakespeare's wife?
Hi dad.
Darling.
Who was Shakespeare's wife?
Anne Hathaway.
And at the end of the third round, the leaders are Benny Lockhart...
...and his Jets with twenty-two points. Join us for the second half in ten minutes.
Monsieur L.
Ah Tom.
Good to see you again.
- Good to see you. - How are you?
Aye, good. Where you been hiding?
From your daughter mostly.
Oh I understand that. Never talked to me for years...
...but for good reason. Hey, what you having?
Nothing. He's not staying.
Come on Jane.
What are you doing here?
My favourite author is being adapted...
...by Scotland's most talented screenwriter. Will Scott.
Huge fan. Naturally I want to know how he's getting on.
Well, I mean I may not be the most talented but...
...who else are you going to pick?
Where is my novel?
I'm working on it.
So you're not suffering from El Torro Blanco?
The what?
- So you're not b-I-o-c-k-e-d? - Why are you spelling it?
It's nothing to be ashamed of and there are plenty of strategies to overcome it.
I'm not blocked.
- For instance, stimulants and narcotics. - I'm not blocked.
For a while there, Hunter S Thompson was permanently unblocked.
I'm not blocked.
Until you deliver that manuscript you're still under contract to me.
So, whatever's going on, snap out of it and get writing. 'Bye, Jane.
'Bye Jane.
Oh, he's not gone, has he?
We never got the chance to talk about my screenplay.
Hi.
The French really appreciate my work, you know. Connoisseurs de Cinema. Oh aye.
We should have him over for dinner. Your wine.
Bathroom.
I know you, don't I? Where was it we met?
Chapter Two. I'm in the opening chapter of course...
...but I'd say you only really get to know me from Chapter Two on.
Darsie?
What do you think?
I think I'm talking to my protagonist.
I prefer heroine.
What are you doing here?
It's a very intense narrative.
I personally have suffered a broken engagement and two bereavements, so far.
Yes, I know. Sorry.
Oh no, please don't apologise.
I think it's going to make me a stronger person in the end.
The end? Yes, so you're going to go back and finish it?
I can't do that, not without you.
Why can't you finish it, Jane? What are you afraid of?
Get a hold of yourself, will you.
Gets me every time. Three times now.
It's that ending...
Don't talk to me about damn endings. Do your marking.
Okay. It's silly.
Oh, Jane says hi.
That poor lassie.
She must have lead such a shocking life to write like that.
What are you saying?
Ah well, the lonely page, the endless introspection...
...the mind plagued by funky thoughts.
It's how writers tick, isn't it? No misery, no poetry.
Yeah?
Did you speak to Jane Lockhart?
Yes, she's happy. Very happy. Happier than she's ever been, apparently.
And the novel?
Tom? Hello? You still there?
Tom?
I have a problem I believe may be suited to your particular talents.
Let's say...
...a miserable writer...
...through the supreme efforts of her publisher and her own meagre talent...
...becomes successful and happy. Are you listening?
Hello, sir.
Amber. Roxanne.
Out on a school night, sir?
This your boyfriend, sir?
Say nothing, just keep very still. You don't want to antagonise them.
Can we get back to my problem?
Okay. Yeah, miserable writer becomes successful and happy. I get it. And?
And being happy she is unable to finish her latest miserable novel.
So, in order to help her, the selfless publisher embarks on a course of action...
...to return her to the fragile mental state...
...in which she wrote her highly profitable debut.
You want to make Jane Lockhart's life a misery so she'll finish writing her book?
That is seriously messed up. Do they teach you this stuff in France?
We study a broad curriculum.
So, how do we make someone completely totally miserable?
Why are you asking me?
I've dedicated the last ten years to encouraging young minds...
...planting hope and aspiration...
Benson, put it away! Stand in the corner! Face to the wall! Little shite.
Okay, maybe I have some experience in the field...
The trick is not simply to upset her. You have to get her in the right mood.
It's a special kind of misery you want. Melancholy.
That dull sense of dissociation and alienation that's the source...
...of every artist's creativity. It's like drain unblocker for novelists.
Keats. John Keats. You're plan involves actually poetry?
I think by definition that makes it a shit plan.
Alright, settle down you lot, settle down. William Wordsworth.
Wordsworth was, of course, the first of the Romantics to use a MacBook Pro...
Careful. You're going to kill that thing.
You know, it was a birthday present from my dad.
He showed up out of the blue with a card and...
...a baby money plant and he said, "I owe you darlin'.
I owe you the world."
And then...
...and then he left...
...and I didn't see him again for six years.
How many 'p's in 'deprivation'?
Just one.
One.
Coffee cake. That was your mum's favourite.
I know.
Your mum was a big fan of cake in general.
She always made a cake for my birthday.
Aye.
D'you remember when you were six?
Your mum and I took you to Edinburgh zoo and the monkeys threw rotten fruit at us.
I slipped on a bit. Fractured my foot in three places.
Those monkeys were laughing at us. Do you remember?
Yeah. I remember.
That's in your book, isn't it? 'Happy Thing'.
'Ending'. It's called 'Happy Ending'.
And, yes, the main character does go to the zoo with her dad...
...but he's not you, and they're not monkeys, they're penguins.
Do penguins throw fruit?
It's different. It's a story, not real life. You know, they're not the same.
Whatever you say. Damn monkeys.
How's the new book doing?
Oh it's cooking.
And Tommy?
Don't call him Tommy. His name is Thomas Duval. He's from Saint-Tropez.
A place they named a fake tan after.
You call him Tommy you make him sound like he's from here.
Like he's... normal. With his 'ouiii' and his stupid stubbly face.
See a lot of Thomas Duvals round here?
There was a Jean-Claude Darcheville, he played for Rangers.
Anyway, forget about Tom. I'm about to sign with a new publisher. Klinsch & McLeish
y'know with the red and white covers?
I liked him. I liked Tom.
Dad.
I mean, nobody else wanted your wee book, did they? I mean, he showed faith in you.
No, he showed faith in my book. You know he changed my original title?
- Did he? - Yes.
Was it a good title? That's not the point.
What was it? What was the original title?
Uh.. nothing. Nothing. It doesn't matter.
Oh tell me. I mean I like that kind of stuff.
You know, stuff that other people don't know. Makes me feel closer to you.
Okay. But.. okay. I was going to call it... 'The Endless Anguish of My Father'.
For fuck's sake! 'The Endless Anguish of My Father'.
I knew it was about me, I knew it.
No, it's not about you. It's a character I made up.
People at work looked at me differently when it came out.
I knew it. I'm away back to the depot.
No, you never read it. You're not allowed to be...
...hurt until you've actually read the damn thing!
D'you not think I'm hurt my own dad hasn't read my novel?
I will read it. I'll read just as soon as I get over my 'anguish'.
Dad?
Target acquired. Over.
It's a pot plant, Roddy. Not a North Korean reactor.
Just warn me if either of them comes back.
Roger that. Understood loud and clear.
That is a solid copy.
Right. Time for some low-level unhappiness.
'Twilight Sad'.
Hey Roddy, are you there?
Maverick to Iceman, we are Oscar Mike.
Five klicks from extraction point.
We have a clean visual... bollocks.
Err, Tom? Tom? She's back.
What?
She's coming up the stairs.
Shit.
Damn it, man. Get out of there. Abort! Abort!
Oh that's horrible. She's really upset. I'm not looking at that.
Yes. Ow. What was that for?
You're enjoying this too much.
It's for her own good.
And it's not as if I actually killed her plant.
- So what do you think? - I think this is the end of Les Miserables.
Yes. You should write something like that.
Oh, yes, thank you. Great suggestion.
Bit French? People dying of consumption and all that?
I'm a bit more Urban Scotland. Primal Scream. Unhappy 90's childhood.
- Sorry? - She wasn't talking to you.
I wasn't talking to you.
- Willie? - Hmm?
Do your characters ever... talk to you?
Sure. All the time. That's why I've got this. Drowns out the bastards.
See, when I'm writing, I like to hear the one voice. Mine.
Charming. Quite the hero.
You still blocked?
101 Ways to Beat Writer's Block?
Beat Your Block To A Pulp?
What Would Jesus Write? Seriously?
Okay. Okay, so what's the deal?
Are you going to stalk me until you finish my novel?
Yes, I believe that's how it works. Now, can we talk about the last chapter?
What about it?
I'm a romantic heroine. I don't want to end up unhappy.
It's not that easy. You don't really get to choose your ending.
It has to follow from what came before, or it doesn't feel true.
Please. I want it all to turn out okay. Jane, don't let us down, darling...
Jane Lockhart?
I thought it was you. Shona Heywood, proprietor of Mocha Books.
Can I just say it's such a pleasure to meet the woman who helped pay for my new kitchen.
It is, it's her. It's her.
I just loved 'Happy Ending'. It's so sad.
I can't wait for your next one.
- What's it called? - Is it finished yet?
Well, it's going to be, err...
It must be difficult. I mean, so much to live up to.
How do you come back after the extraordinary success of 'Happy Ending'?
We are interrupting the muse.
I'm sure you're eager to get back to the page.
Oh yes.
And I have my eye on a gorgeous bathroom.
Please, take that, with my compliments.
- I just need to run that through the till.. - No!
Blocked?
Dad.
Come in.
I was just making strudel.
I can't stay anyway. Err...
I just wanted to say...
I had it in my head, what I was going to say.
I don't suppose you're ever stuck for words.
Listen. We don't really know each other.
And I would like to get to know you.
And I'm making a mess of it again.
The other day, in the cemetery...
I was out of order. I was and I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry darlin'. Right, that's it.
I've said it and, err, I'm going to go and meet...
...the boys for quiz practice. I'm off, okay. I'm off.
Dad?
It's okay. Look, I know how complicated all of this is and, err...
Can I be on your quiz team?
I think maybe you're a bit busy for a daft quiz team.
Please. I'd like to. Get to know you.
Really?
Really.
Great. Great. We need you.
Rory's showing signs of early dementia. That would be great.
Welcome to the family.
Thanks. Thanks so much.
Please excuse Doctor Klinsch, she does have...
...a tendency to pee her pants when we sign a new author.
That was just the one time.
Okay. Klinsch & McLeish. I can't quite believe it.
I'm going to be published in one of those classic red and white covers.
It's obviously it's not just about the covers but they're so pretty.
Your list is amazing too. I mean, you publish Glen Buchan.
Ah Glen. Fabulous writer.
And you know that you have something in common.
Really? No. What? You think so? God, he's up there with Rushdie and McEwan.
Quite possibly. No, what I meant was that you...
...were both discovered by your former publisher.
Tom?
Yes, it didn't last. They went their separate ways...
...before the first novel was published. By us.
Well, yeah. Sounds like Tom.
Anyway, enough of the past. Here's to the future.
It's exciting.
Blocked in this too, eh?
I'm so sorry. Would you just excuse us, me, for one second? Where's your bathroom?
Okay, what are you doing here?
Well, I've figured out what's going on.
You can't write the ending because once it's finished...
...you'll have no reason to see Tom ever again.
Oh that is such a load of rubbish.
Jane dear? Is everything alright?
Err yes. Yes, fine. I'll just be out in a minute.
In case you haven't noticed, I'm about to leave Tom and sign with a new publisher.
Oh, and one more minor detail...
I'm not writing my ending. I'm writing yours. And I'm not you.
No, of course not. And your first novel wasn't a barely...
...fictionalised account of your relationship with your father.
Oh, and remind me, what's your middle name again? Jane Darsie Lockhart.
Well that means nothing. And anyway...
...I was thinking of changing your name, so you can..
Still here.
Sorry. I'm so sorry.
Now then young lady. Ready to go with a real publisher?
Let me get this straight. You only take on writers you love?
Writing I love.
How interesting.
No, no it isn't. Can we get back to making Jane miserable?
Fine. If that's what you really want.
Have you thought about what will happen if you succeed?
Yes. I win.
Yes. But you'll lose her.
Who cares? It's not as if she wants to stay.
Motivation. The heart of self-improvement. A. Achieve your dreams.
Avoid negative people, things and places.
B. Believe in yourself. What you can do. C. Consider things on every angle and aspect...
One of us really needs to get laid.
Oh God yes.
We should, next week. There's a girl at the chippy.
Q. Quitters never win. And winners never quit.
So choose your fate. Are you going to be a quitter or a winner? R...
Okay. Here's a thought. We could kill her dog.
I didn't know she had a dog.
She doesn't. We could buy her one and then kill it.
It wouldn't be a cute dog.
And you don't think that's a little bit, how can I put this, psychotic?
Yeah, you're right. She hasn't got a dog.
But she has got a screenwriter.
I'm not helping you kill Willie Scott, am I? Tom?
Damn it. She's still baking.
Back, you cupcakes of Satan.
Okay. Here goes.
I hate these things.
Yeah, I prefer the Routemaster Two Six Seven Oh myself.
It's a bus joke. Sorry.
No, no. I get it. It's just I've never really...
...met anyone else who made a bus joke before.
Hello Jane.
Hello. What do you want?
I'll tell you what I don't want. I don't want a cupcake.
So. Two writers living under the same roof...
...how's that working out? I imagine it's fantastic:
...Sharing ideas, the ebb and flow of discussion. Willie must be a great boon.
Oh yes. Yes, he is.
So what does the Big Man make of the new novel?
You're right. It's not fair to ask you. I should ask him.
No, no, no. He loves it. He just loves it. Naturally he has notes...
Naturally.
Willie has not asked to read one single page, has he?
He's very busy with his screenplay.
Ah yes, the adaptation. How's that going?
Terrific. Oh it's going terrific... Iy.
You don't know, do you? He doesn't discuss it with you.
What's your point?
He's using you.
That's rich, coming from you.
Come on, it's common knowledge he wouldn't be...
...adapting 'Happy Ending' if you hadn't insisted.
Willie Scott's writing career peaked sometime around 1998.
He's a talentless hack...
...without a brain or a conscious...
...who doesn't give a damn about your or your novel!
- Yeah. - Behind you.
Hey.
Willie!
Is that fruit cake?
Oh, yes. It's frozen. I brought a couple of spares. It's for your nose.
Look, I'm sorry about Willie. He shouldn't have hit you.
Even though you did deserve it.
He caught me off guard.
Usually I don't go down after the first punch.
Usually it's about the third or fourth.
How did I get here?
I made Willie carry you.
No you didn't.
What's wrong now?
It's not very manly, being carried upstairs by another bloke.
He's not still here, is he?
No, I sent him outside to calm down.
Look, Jane. There's something I need to tell you.
Something I've never said before.
What's the capital of Ethiopia?
We're in the finals, actually.
So that was it.
That's what you needed to say?
No. No, no.
I... What I meant to say is...
'Happy Ending'.
At the end, when things became... you know... with us.
And the title...
I never told you... the book.
It's good.
It's like the saddest music I've ever heard.
What the hell was that? What are you up to?
I'm not up to anything.
Yes you are. All this 'sad music' crap, and filling my head...
...with doubts about Willie. Why would you do that, why? Unless...
Unless... Oh, I know why.
You want me to sign a new book deal with you.
Well, if you can hear me through the obvious concussion, pay attention.
It is. Never. Going. To. Happen.
I have a concussion?
Oh get off. Get off this bus.
You know what?
You really think I'd want you back? Why? Why would I do that to myself?
You're distant at the best of times.
And when you're writing your characters were more real to you than I was.
So, no, Jane. I do not want you back. I do not want you back.
So, how's the screenplay coming along?
Hmm?
Your screenplay? I was just thinking we haven't really discussed it much...
...at all... and since, well, I wrote the novel, maybe I could, you know...
What I mean is, we should have more ebb and flow.
That's not a bad idea.
You know the scene in the book where her father...
...goes on a bender and doesn't turn up for the mother's funeral?
Yes. I remember.
Would you miss it?
What? What? You can't...
Willie, I think we need to talk this through.
I know what this is about, Janey.
You haven't written a word in two weeks.
So you want to talk, instead of dealing with your blockage.
How many times? I am not blocked.
There was this writer I knew, got stuck on a 'Long Lost Sibling' story arc.
Thought it was going to end his career but... but he beat it.
Do you know how?
How?
He wrote naked.
Yeah. Yeah, right.
Seriously.
The idea is you release yourself from the restrictions...
...of the everyday so that you can express your ideas in an uninhibited fashion.
Oh, okay. I think you just want to be able to sit there...
...and write while you stare at my tits.
They are great tits.
It's not a weapon, Jade.
There's some blood on this stick.
Tom.
I've got some business to take care of.
I want it on record that this is going too far, okay?
She's only just started rebuilding her relationship with her dad.
I'm just trying to help her finish her book.
And she'll thank me in the end.
First we get rid of Willie, then we work on papa.
So Mr Scott, Willie, our senior development executive has been looking for a...
...a very special screenwriter with a distinctive voice...
...for a project which she has slated for next year.
Yeah?
When she heard you were adapting Jane Lockhart's
'Happy Ending', she was excited. We were all excited.
What company is this again? I mean have you spoken to my agent or...?
Yeah. Thank you Priscilla. You too. Ciao, ciao, ciao.
Sure. She put us right on to you.
But if you're too busy right now, perhaps we should just leave it?
Oh no, no no. No.
No, no, I'm excited. It's...
...You know it's not just adaptations that I do. I have my own material you know.
Terrific. Well...
...you can share all that with our senior VP Bob...
...and our head of deputy acquisitions Vonda who...
They're going to be over there next Friday. You live in London, right?
Well, err.. mainly. But you know I've got my place upcountry too you know, obviously.
Well apologies, but it may involve dragging you out to the middle of nowhere...
...but we're scouting Steven's next pic.
Steven? Segal?
Soderbergh. He'll probably drop by to say hi if that's okay?
Aye, that would be fine.
Taxi's here.
Where's my ticket?
It's in your bag where you put it two minutes ago.
Jane, this is an important trip for me.
These people are working with Soderbergh.
They called me and that just never happens.
You're right. It doesn't.
And it's all because of you.
The truth is, they would never have asked to see me if I hadn't been adapting your novel.
Oh, that is rubbish. Look, you're a great writer.
Yeah, you're right.
Where's my treatments? Did you tidy them?
Willie. Breathe.
How you feeling?
Good.
Sharp?
Sharp, aye.
Gordon?
I'm prime., yeah. Mind you, I'm a bit worried because...
...we don't know what he's going to ask us.
It's a quiz. It's a quiz Gordon.
Oh right.
Mr L?
Tom. Good to see you mate.
Big night, eh?
Big night. Big night, aye. This is the final.
The winner gets a holiday in America. And two tickets to Disneyland.
Wow, that's wonderful. Good luck with that.
Thanks Tom. Thanks. Listen, I know that Jane and you haven't always seen eye-to-eye...
...but I'm sure she'll be really happy to see you again.
Where is she?
Oh she's not here yet. But the quiz doesn't start til eight.
Oh, well, plenty of time then.
Oh, plenty of time...
That was quick. I wasn't expecting you for another ten minutes.
Oh I was just around the corner. Where you going?
East End please. The Walter Scott.
No problem.
What do you think?
Lovely.
Me and the lads discussed it.
We're going to make her captain.
When she was a little girl, every penny her mother gave her she put in the piggy bank.
Saving up, you know, to go to Disneyland. Every birthday it was Mickey Mouse...
...Mickey Mouse, Disneyland, Mickey Mouse, you know. Every birthday.
Well... until the seventh birthday.
Her mother took her to Woolworths for her present, a gift.
And, well they were late getting back.
I lost it, Tom, you know. I was... 'I want my dinner on the table' and...
That was the night I walked out on them.
If only that was the worst thing I did that night.
Excuse me. Where are we going?
The Rabbie Burns.
I said The Walter Scott.
You sure?
Of course I'm sure.
Hey. There's no need for that.
They're both iconic pillars of our national literature, arguably responsible...
...for the over-romanticisation of Scottish history...
...that persists to this day. Easy mistake to make.
Alright, please. Just please hurry. Please.
Hello it's Benny Lockhart here.
If you leave a message then I'll get back to you soon. Okey-dokes. Bye.
Do you know why they were late back?
Yeah.
Yeah of course you do because it's in the book, isn't it?
Her mother dropped dead in Woolworths.
Her mother was lying dead in the Pick And Mix aisle and her...
...daddy was spending her Mickey Mouse money on booze.
I swore I would never touch another drop after that. Not a drop.
You look familiar. You on the telly?
Err no. I've done a few interviews but...
You're that writer, Jane something. My wife read your book.
Oh yeah?
Aye, what's it called again?
'Happy Ending'.
'Happy Ending', aye. She was greeting her eyes out by the end.
And you wrote it? That's amazing.
God you must be a right miserable cow.
Do I know you from...
I'm out of fags.
What? Hey, no. Come back! We need to get to the...
Pub.
Hey!
Years later...
...I discovered that the police brought her back. Two minutes after I'd left home.
Two minutes, Tom.
You know, I realise that I can never make it up to that little girl.
That seven year-old Jane.
Can't do it. But if we win tonight, Tom...
If we win tonight, I'm going to take her to Disneyland.
Aye, I don't mean the shite one in Paris. The real Disneyland. No offence.
None taken.
Gentlemen, ladies, can you please take your places for the quiz final.
She'll be here. She'll be here.
Nothing's going to happen. Not again. No. No.
Help! Help!
You know what? I'll see you in a second.
Tom.
Roddy. Call it off. Call it off. Bring her here immediately.
She's gone. We've lost her.
In Cambuslang.
Sorry!
Captains, last call. Can you please bring your team lists to the adjudicator's table.
Benny...
If I don't get your list you'll forfeit your place.
Benny, come on.
Come on Benny.
Two more minutes, lads.
Benny... I'm.. I'm sorry.
It's okay, son. It's not your fault.
Well, actually...
Right, okay. That's enough. Let's get on with this.
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen to the grand final...
Dad.
Question one... Who was William Shakespeare's wife?
The indisputable winners... Benny and his Jets!
Whooah!
Fact is...
...we're not dog-killers. What's the worst thing we actually achieved?
Kidnapping a pot plant.
There's our fatal flaw. At heart, we're nice guys.
I'm going to tell her everything.
I will not do nudity unless it is essential to the plot.
Oh, you must be joking.
Jane?
Just go away.
I've got to talk to you. Please open the door.
Hold on a minute.
Willie?
You need to hear about our great deal on home insurance.
- Have you ever thought about what would... - Jane? Your meringues, Jane.
...happen if your house caught fire?
Shit.
Jane! You okay?
Shit. Shit. Shit.
Shit!
Shit.
I...
Stop looking!
What the hell are you doing here, anyway?
I came to apolo... Whoah.
Is that my novel?
No, no, no. Give that back. Give it back!
I paid good money for this. I'm going to read it.
You don't get to read anything until it's finished.
Okay.
Here.
Thank you.
Good to know you can behave like a grown-up once in a...
Where's the rest of it?
Hey, come out of there! You thieving bastard! Give me back my novel!
How could you do that? I can't believe you. Even you.
So what did you think?
It's merely the first couple of chapters so who can say?
However...
...putting to one side that you're a whining...
...overpaid author who clearly got lucky with her debut...
...I'd say this is a very good start.
Well...
...coming from a never-even-has-been owner of a third-rate publishing company...
...I'd have to say thank you.
Naturally...
...I have a few notes.
Naturally.
For instance...
The first page...
I don't get it.
I'm just going to get the phone.
- Willie? - Hi Janey.
Hi. How's the trip going? Did you meet Soderbergh?
There was no meeting.
I've been stuck in the arse end of nowhere...
...couldn't get a cab, I've been walking for nine hours in the rain, my phone died...
...I've only just now found a phone.
Oh Willie.
I'm cold and wet and feeling so...
...so miserable.
You know, the funny things is, even though the trip turned out so badly...
You know, it made me realise a few things. I miss you, Janey.
You're the best thing in my life and...
I love you.
Janey, let's get married.
There we go.
He's sick.
Oh come on, he's just taking the piss now.
He said he loves me. You heard him.
Actually I didn't. Maybe it was in your vivid imagination.
And I love Willie too. He makes me... happy.
Any chance of that cup of tea, doll?
He's a sweetheart.
Priscilla? Listen, sweetheart...
...get out the big pen.
Time to bill the bastards for my first draft. I just finished the script.
A lifetime with Willie Scott.
If that doesn't make her miserable, nothing will.
Look, I know things haven't worked out for the two of you but...
Surely you don't really actually totally completely want her to be unhappy?
Of course I don't. I mean...
...Oh tu comprends pas.. It's tricky, okay?
Whatever.
...which is why Shakespeare never left New York again.
Okay, chapter twenty-one. Read it or...
...be punished. Yo.
He's only gone and changed the ending.
Wow. All you did was to change the title and she thought you were a complete wanker.
That's Juan Kerr.
He was a nineteenth century South American revolutionary.
This is going to break her heart.
Yeah well great.
Now all you've got to do is make sure she reads it. Mission accomplished.
Yeah.
You've given it a happy ending.
And your point?
The point is Jane's novel doesn't end happily.
Well who the hell wants to walk out of a movie feeling miserable?
You have to change it back.
Oh I don't think so. That script says more about...
...my love for her than I could ever put into words.
She doesn't know yet, does she?
Do you have any idea what this will do to her?
To both of you?
I made a mistake and I can't take it back.
But Willie, if you truly love her...
Change it.
What's going on here?
You just don't get her, do you?
Oh I get her all right.
Every night I get her. Any way up I fancy.
Hit a sick man, would you?
Watch this.
Remind me, does the bridge explode in the novel?
Hi Janey, I'm home.
Any chance of a wee cup of tea?
Willie!
I just don't understand how you can do this over a dumb ending.
No. No, you don't.
Well if it's any consolation Janey...
...I don't think you and me would have worked out anyway.
I just don't get all that worshipping your pain stuff.
Daddy issues.
Tom, if she hasn't delivered you have to take Pandemic Media's offer.
Mark my words, never going to happen.
Well I'll have no option but to declare you bankrupt and call in a Receiver.
You're my Relationship Manager, right?
Yes. So?
So what should I do about my relationship?
Oh for God's sake.
Do you love her?
Tom?
Jane.
Hi.
Tom's not here.
He should be back any minute of you want to wait?
No, I don't think so.
I'm heading off for a bit of a break.
I just came to drop this off. It's my new novel. I finished it.
That's a relief. Between you and me your book's...
...the only thing stopping this place going tits up.
So where shall I leave it?
Just put it on his desk.
Okay.
Bye.
Hold it.
Jane.
Jane!
Bastard!
Oh. Should I still be seeing you? I finished it.
Leave me alone. All I want is to be alone!
Jane.
Jane!
Listen, I know you're in there.
And I know it sounds crazy but I was trying to help.
Jane. Your dad's worried about you and so am I.
He told me where to find you.
All you care about is what my book can do for your damn company.
Well, you got what you wanted.
Jane, please, open the door.
Jane, I'm not good at this countryside stuff. Alright?
I think I saw a bear.
Jane?
I'm sorry.
Thanks a lot.
I deserve that. I'll just go, shall I?
I'll go.
It's eight miles to the nearest village.
I don't expect to see you when I wake up. Goodnight.
What the hell were you thinking?!
About the plant?
About me, you idiot!
Here's the thing.
You go to some dark places when you write.
You bring out stuff most people prefer to keep locked up.
So I thought that if I made you miserable...
...I'd be able to finish my novel.
Well that's genius.
Yeah well I was wrong.
Of course you were wrong.
You don't have to be miserable to write. You do it because you have to.
Because it gnaws away at your insides if you try to ignore it.
Because if you don't write then you might as well be dead.
What do you mean, you were wrong? You got the novel, didn't you?
In Tom and Roddy-world the plan was a roaring success.
Not exactly.
The last chapter. It doesn't work.
It needs a rewrite.
How much of it?
All of it.
You all right?
No. I'm bloody not all right and I want my chocolate.
Maybe it would help if we talked it through.
What have I missed?
I think the problem might be that you don't really get to choose your ending.
It has to follow naturally from what comes before, or it doesn't feel true.
Oh he's so insightful.
I want to start with Darsie.
Goody.
I don't understand her.
No kidding.
I mean, why's she in love with a man who betrays her so utterly?
He's emotionally crippled,
has an uncomfortable tendency for mean-spiritedness...
He has nice... hair.
Okay, so yes, maybe there is an element of autobiography.
Which means you're the reason I can't write.
Me?
At some point during the last few weeks it dawned on me that...
...when I finished this novel, we were finished too.
And some insane part of me doesn't want that to happen.
You're my block, Tom.
But I want you to finish it.
Yeah of course you want me to finish it, but for what? So you can turn a profit.
I've sold it.
What?
I've sold the business.
No, you can't have sold it. That stupid company is you.
Get it back. You can't do this to me.
I'm on the moral high ground here and I'm not getting off now.
You sold it?
Yeah.
And you can take all the time you need...
...for the last chapter. I made it part of the deal.
Tom. I didn't sign.
With Klinsch and McLeish. I couldn't do it.
Jane, I've spoken to my Relationship Manager...
If I hear the words 'sad', 'beautiful' or 'music' you're a dead man.
Apparently...
I block you.
And I block you too.
What? What could possibly be more important?
I know how it ends. I'm just going to get my laptop.
I don't care.
You are on fire.
You're pretty hot yourself, baby.
Err, Tom? Tom, what are you doing? Tom? Oh my God. Tom!
Tom?
Tom!
Why is it that the saddest endings always seem the truest?
In the stories I told myself I was always the heroine...
...always reaching for my happy ending.
It didn't turn out that way.
I won't get to spend the rest of my life with him.
But I was loved. And that's enough.
Ladies and gentlemen...
Jane Lockhart will now be signing copies of her chart-topping new novel...
'You'll Catch Your Death'.
Well, Darsie. Back where you belong.
Are you actually talking to your book?
You don't think it's all a bit tacky?
Tacky? We have canapes.
Now get signing.
Right, you ready? Go on, just do it. Okay, pay attention class, pay attention!
Jane Lockhart, of course...
...follows Charlotte Bronte as only the second writer...
...in English to design and build her own hovercraft.
Hovercraft.
H.O.V.E.R.C.R.A.F.T.
See? They'll believe anything you tell them.
So, I thought you said Pandemic Media people were coming today.
Where are they?
You're looking at them.
What do you mean?
They want someone in the company who won't...
...let you get away with your usual extravagance.
Someone hard-line.
Someone disciplined.
Ah, brilliant.
Cheers, thank you.
You read it.
Yeah. Her father was really bad to her.
A nasty piece of work.
- No. No, no, he wasn't nas... - But...
She forgives him in the end.
Mr L. Oh...
...if you think that was bad...
...wait til you see what she's done with you in the new one.
Yeah. Errm...
Mr Lockhart, Benny, would you give us a second?
Yeah, yeah sure.
Thanks.
- So... - Uh-huh?
- Look... - Yes?
You are, frankly, about the most infuriating person I've ever met.
Which considering I work in Scottish publishing, is saying something.
But we couldn't have got here without each other.
So Jane, what I'm saying is...
Will you...
Could you...
Is that a contract?
Two more books and an option for a third.
Exclusive?
Naturally we'd have to work very, very, very closely.
With lots of notes?
An excessive amount of notes.
Okay, I do.
I mean.. I mean I will.
I will, I meant...
Okay, just give it here.
This is really pathetic.
Who is this? Jimmy Miller.
Should I know him?
One hundred pages of the bullshit. One hundred pages.
I'm not even going to read his.
Caitlin doesn't turn up most of the time. Hasn't even put his name on the front cover.
Who is this meant to be?
Well I can tell by his handwriting it's Paul's.
If Paul thinks he can just draw pictures and I'll know what he's trying to say,
he's got another thing coming. They're all the same, aren't they? Shona Westwood.
What does she want? There's nothing in this, is there? Hasn't even bothered to do it.