0
00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:20,000
1
00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:10,260
[audience laughs]
2
00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:13,430
[Norm Macdonald] Then people leave,
"Cursed, at least he's not a hypocrite."
3
00:00:13,514 --> 00:00:15,057
[laughter]
4
00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:18,018
"You have to give it to him,
that's the worst part of it."
5
00:00:18,101 --> 00:00:20,103
[laughter]
6
00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:22,356
Alright.
7
00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:26,568
I eat pork.
I don't want to brag
or something.
8
00:00:26,652 --> 00:00:27,653
[laughter]
9
00:00:28,695 --> 00:00:30,822
But now my stomach is in my stomach
like we talked about.
10
00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:35,994
And I realized that you...
You ate at a restaurant
11
00:00:36,078 --> 00:00:38,247
Unlike you eating at home, you know?
12
00:00:38,330 --> 00:00:42,167
Like, at home you will never cook
pork in your pan, you know,
13
00:00:42,251 --> 00:00:43,794
and make it nice and hot on one side,
14
00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:45,796
then turn it over,
make it hot on the other side,
15
00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:48,173
and then cut into it
and see how it happened in the middle.
16
00:00:48,257 --> 00:00:53,637
And then you go, "Man, I will love
eat this delicious pork <
17
00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:56,598
So hot enough to eat,
I'll eat it
18
00:00:56,682 --> 00:00:58,058
But while I'm waiting,
19
00:00:58,141 --> 00:01:00,769
I'll eat big bread. "
20
00:01:00,852 --> 00:01:01,853
[laughter]
21
00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:04,856
Who will do that?
22
00:01:06,775 --> 00:01:10,487
"With, like, 35 pats of butter,
and I'll eat the bread."
23
00:01:11,989 --> 00:01:15,033
"And that will make my appetite
sharpen...
24
00:01:15,117 --> 00:01:16,118
[laughter]
25
00:01:17,119 --> 00:01:18,495
... for pork."
26
00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:27,587
I also pay attention to
different desserts nowadays.
27
00:01:27,671 --> 00:01:30,257
When I was young,
the waiter will come and go,
28
00:01:30,340 --> 00:01:33,635
"What do you want for dessert -
cherry pie or apple pie? "
29
00:01:34,219 --> 00:01:37,514
And you will leave,
"I will drink the cherry cake."
30
00:01:37,597 --> 00:01:41,101
And that person will take me... Very simple.
You know, things are simple at that time.
31
00:01:41,184 --> 00:01:44,438
Now dessert - oh, my God!
32
00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:48,859
The man appeared
and he had a big tray on a sloping corner,
33
00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:52,154
and every candy
What humans know is in it.
34
00:01:52,237 --> 00:01:53,405
He...
35
00:01:53,488 --> 00:01:55,073
And I don't like the way he speaks,
36
00:01:55,157 --> 00:01:58,160
because he doesn't talk ,
Like, pork crap again.
37
00:01:58,660 --> 00:02:03,457
Suddenly, for dessert,
He, like, all sexual tones.
38
00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:04,541
You know,...
39
00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:05,459
[laughter]
40
00:02:05,542 --> 00:02:07,878
I mean, he was like, "Ah."
41
00:02:08,837 --> 00:02:11,632
"Why do you say & ah, what's that like?" /> He's like, "Ah."
42
00:02:11,715 --> 00:02:12,716
[laughter]
43
00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:17,846
"Bolehkah saya menggoda Anda dengan sesuatu?"
44
00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:19,681
"Stick me?"
45
00:02:19,765 --> 00:02:20,766
[laughter]
46
00:02:24,603 --> 00:02:26,229
"Do you like decadent stuff?"
47
00:02:26,313 --> 00:02:27,314
"Well, I don't..." <
48
00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:33,362
"I hope you leave a room in your stomach."
"Okay, listen."
49
00:02:33,445 --> 00:02:34,613
[laughter]
50
00:02:34,696 --> 00:02:38,950
"Are we still talking about dessert here?
What is happening?
51
00:02:40,327 --> 00:02:43,497
"I don't want to finally blow you
in the bathroom or something. "
52
00:02:43,580 --> 00:02:44,581
[laughter]
53
00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:48,293
" I don't want to finally blow the man
in the bathroom.
Listen...
54
00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:52,839
I can be tricked
just like my next colleague, and...
55
00:02:52,923 --> 00:02:53,924
[laughter]
56
00:02:54,674 --> 00:02:56,301
... I don't want to be in the bathroom
57
00:02:56,385 --> 00:02:57,803
Hey!
Wait a minute!
Whoa! "
58
00:02:57,886 --> 00:02:58,887
[laughter]
59
00:02:59,805 --> 00:03:01,765
" Wait here, my maestro... "
60
00:03:02,557 --> 00:03:06,061
"I thought we were talking about it
butterscotch pudding or something."
61
00:03:08,438 --> 00:03:11,900
"I don't really care about you, Captain,
I'll tell you right now."
62
00:03:14,277 --> 00:03:17,197
"I will continue, I am a man of my words,
But I will say this."
63
00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:18,281
[laughter]
64
00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:20,283
"I will say this , Chief. "
65
00:03:21,952 --> 00:03:25,122
" Are my words not my bond,
then none of this... "
66
00:03:26,665 --> 00:03:29,459
" I did it reluctantly.
I don't know if you pay attention, but... "
67
00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:31,545
[laughter and applause]
68
00:03:36,174 --> 00:03:37,259
Sex for me is...
69
00:03:37,342 --> 00:03:41,179
First of all, I'm a parent, you know?
70
00:03:41,263 --> 00:03:44,641
I... I'm like uh... threescore and...
71
00:03:45,642 --> 00:03:47,227
twelve, or something like that.
72
00:03:47,310 --> 00:03:48,311
[ laughter]
73
00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:52,399
I tried to get a "score" again.
74
00:03:54,276 --> 00:03:55,277
[chuckles]
75
00:03:55,819 --> 00:03:57,571
I feel that Lincoln,
76
00:03:57,654 --> 00:04:00,407
When he thinks about it,
he thinks it's going to go
77
00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:01,616
You know what I mean ?
78
00:04:01,700 --> 00:04:02,784
[laughter]
79
00:04:02,868 --> 00:04:05,328
Like, his wife is like,
"Why don't you say & apos; 87 & apos;?"
80
00:04:05,412 --> 00:04:07,414
He's like,
"Why don't you shut up?"
81
00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:08,498
[laughter]
82
00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:12,544
"Last time I checked,
I am an orator in the family
83
00:04:12,627 --> 00:04:15,547
and you that damn crazy woman. "
84
00:04:15,630 --> 00:04:16,631
[laughter]
85
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:19,634
" When I say four and seven,
trust me...
86
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:23,388
& apos; score & apos ; will be caught in a big time. "
87
00:04:23,472 --> 00:04:24,306
But...
88
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:26,308
never did it
89
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:33,106
This is another presidential matter.
90
00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:36,610
You know there is a story
about George Washington,
91
00:04:36,693 --> 00:04:40,363
and they said,
"Oh, he cut down the cherry tree,"
92
00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:41,531
When he was little.
93
00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:45,577
When his parents came home they said,
"Who cut down cherry trees?"
94
00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:48,413
and Little George said, "That's me
who cut down cherry trees.
95
00:04:48,497 --> 00:04:50,499
I can't lie." < And you go, "Wow! How great the story is."
96
00:04:50,582 --> 00:04:52,459
But then you think about it
a little, right?
97
00:04:52,542 --> 00:04:55,587
Imagine if you go home
to your house right?
98
00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:58,340
And you get there and go, "Hey, what
what happens to the cherry tree?"
99
00:05:00,175 --> 00:05:03,512
[laughter]
100
00:05:03,595 --> 00:05:04,596
"Has anyone cut it or something?"
101
00:05:04,679 --> 00:05:06,389
And then you go inside,
102
00:05:07,557 --> 00:05:09,017
and there is your child... with an ax.
103
00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:12,687
[laughter ]
104
00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:13,772
So you leave,
"What happened to the cherry tree?"
105
00:05:15,190 --> 00:05:17,275
Jadi kamu pergi,
"Apa yang terjadi dengan pohon ceri?"
106
00:05:17,359 --> 00:05:18,652
and then he leaves,
107
00:05:18,735 --> 00:05:20,946
"I cut down the cherry tree."
108
00:05:21,613 --> 00:05:24,241
"I can't lie."
109
00:05:24,866 --> 00:05:26,201
And then you go, "Alright "
110
00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:30,997
" The first part of what you said,
it really bothered me. "
111
00:05:31,081 --> 00:05:32,082
[laughter]
112
00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:36,503
" The second part
afraid of the fuck coming out of me
You... "
113
00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:37,587
[laughter]
114
00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:39,297
" You can't lie? "
115
00:05:40,966 --> 00:05:42,592
" You can't afford lying? "
116
00:05:47,222 --> 00:05:48,223
That would be...
117
00:05:48,765 --> 00:05:50,016
That would scare me.
118
00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:51,309
[laughter]
119
00:05:52,811 --> 00:05:55,605
Now I live in LA.
We went to a party in LA.
120
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:58,358
And I went too, but I'm not smart.
121
00:05:58,441 --> 00:06:01,444
This is my problem - I have no opinion.
122
00:06:02,070 --> 00:06:04,322
Do you know how people have opinions?
123
00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:06,449
I have none. MY MY...
124
00:06:07,617 --> 00:06:08,827
Like politics and...
125
00:06:08,910 --> 00:06:12,497
So sometimes before I go to the party,
I'll just turn on the TV,
126
00:06:12,581 --> 00:06:14,624
and whatever that person says, I will say that.
127
00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:15,709
[ laughter]
128
00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:21,464
But I'm not good...
129
00:06:21,548 --> 00:06:24,759
Like, when I go to parties,
I don't want serious discussion.
130
00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:27,887
I tried looking for someone
it's at the same level.
131
00:06:27,971 --> 00:06:29,431
And I'm good at it.
I can...
132
00:06:29,514 --> 00:06:33,893
Like, you know how they say people have
gaydar - can they see other gay people?
133
00:06:34,436 --> 00:06:38,189
I like that
with people at the same level of my intelligence.
134
00:06:38,982 --> 00:06:41,318
Like, I can see a man
in the corner and leave,
135
00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:43,903
"I can follow
with that bastard there."
136
00:06:43,987 --> 00:06:44,988
[laughter]
137
00:06:46,156 --> 00:06:48,617
Then I went straight to
for that character
138
00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:53,079
And then we talk about Jughead comics
for a few hours...
139
00:06:53,163 --> 00:06:54,164
[laughter]
140
00:06:55,206 --> 00:06:56,499
... and everything's fine
141
00:06:59,461 --> 00:07:01,880
Sometimes people go away,
"Why do you even go to this party
142
00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:03,673
If you don't like it, you know, talk?"
143
00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:05,300
This is why I go to parties
144
00:07:05,383 --> 00:07:07,636
There is only one reason
why I go to parties
145
00:07:07,719 --> 00:07:12,474
The reason why I like parties,
because I like those little sandwiches
146
00:07:12,557 --> 00:07:14,017
where are they triangles...
147
00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:15,143
[laughter]
148
00:07:15,226 --> 00:07:16,895
... and they cut the brakes,
149
00:07:16,978 --> 00:07:20,482
and then they
small equilateral triangles ,
150
00:07:20,565 --> 00:07:23,068
and they put a little toothpick.
151
00:07:24,903 --> 00:07:28,198
And that, like, golden plastic...
152
00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:29,282
[laughter]
153
00:07:29,366 --> 00:07:30,492
.... and red plastic.
154
00:07:30,575 --> 00:07:32,786
I can eat 30, 40 of them fuckers.
155
00:07:34,621 --> 00:07:36,665
And you can only get it at parties.
156
00:07:36,748 --> 00:07:39,334
Like...
I go to the restaurant and I go,
157
00:07:39,417 --> 00:07:42,921
"You have a sandwich
that shaped like a triangle? "
158
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:47,384
And they go," No, all our sandwiches
are shaped like sandwiches. "
159
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:48,551
I go," Oh, shit. "
160
00:07:49,052 --> 00:07:50,053
Then...
161
00:07:50,762 --> 00:07:52,597
I went to, like, a grocery store.
162
00:07:52,681 --> 00:07:57,143
I went, "Yes, where... what aisle?
What is a sandwich with toothpicks? "
163
00:07:57,227 --> 00:07:58,645
They went," We don't have anyone. "
164
00:07:59,604 --> 00:08:00,814
" Have you tried a party? "
165
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:02,399
I left," I try not...
166
00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:03,900
[laughter]
167
00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:05,235
... go to those things. "
168
00:08:08,613 --> 00:08:11,741
But I don't drink,
so I'm not good at partying for that reason.
169
00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:14,577
And drugs, I didn't do it.
Usually.
170
00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:17,914
When I was a kid, young,
I would do anything, you know?
171
00:08:19,082 --> 00:08:22,752
LSD, that's the strongest drug
I did it - acid.
172
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,713
I don't know
if you've ever done acid, but...
173
00:08:24,796 --> 00:08:26,548
When I was young, they would tell me,
174
00:08:26,631 --> 00:08:30,135
"You have to be careful
That acid, because you can do it,
175
00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:32,220
and then you have a flashback.
176
00:08:32,303 --> 00:08:35,098
Like, ten years can pass,
20 years can pass,
177
00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:37,976
and then you get a flashback. "
178
00:08:38,059 --> 00:08:40,770
So I thought," Okay, it seems like that
Good, "You know?
179
00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:41,855
[laughter ]
180
00:08:44,065 --> 00:08:45,567
I went to my drug agent Frank.
181
00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:46,693
I said, "Frank...
182
00:08:47,736 --> 00:08:50,739
is there a drug on the market
where am I pay you $ 5...
183
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,701
I took medicine, I became tall,
184
00:08:54,784 --> 00:08:57,120
and then, 20 years later,
I'm tall again? "
185
00:08:57,203 --> 00:08:58,204
[laughter]
186
00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:00,206
He said yes
187
00:09:00,290 --> 00:09:05,420
And I consider myself to be someone
Who is good at stretching drug money?
188
00:09:05,503 --> 00:09:06,504
[laughter]
189
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:10,300
But basically everything
190
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:12,844
is for me to tell you young people...
191
00:09:13,845 --> 00:09:16,806
that it's not...
That's not true at all, you know?
192
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:19,726
Because I haven't done LSD
since I was a teenager
193
00:09:19,809 --> 00:09:22,145
Ten years have passed,
20 years have been passed.
194
00:09:22,228 --> 00:09:24,981
Unfortunately, 30 years have passed.
195
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,066
[laughter]
196
00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:27,150
And still...
197
00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:29,486
there is no flash--
198
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:31,112
How come it turns out.
199
00:09:31,196 --> 00:09:32,197
MY...
200
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:33,281
[laughter]
201
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:38,828
Only more horses
by big acid companies if you ask me.
202
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:39,913
I don't want...
203
00:09:40,622 --> 00:09:42,582
I don't want to be too political, but....
204
00:09:42,665 --> 00:09:43,666
[laughter]
205
00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:47,378
... if you think big acid...
206
00:09:48,463 --> 00:09:50,632
cares about you, little one...
207
00:09:50,715 --> 00:09:51,716
[laughter]
208
00:09:53,009 --> 00:09:55,804
They care about
their third-quarter profits.
209
00:09:55,887 --> 00:09:57,263
That's what they care about.
210
00:09:57,347 --> 00:09:58,348
[laughter]
211
00:10:02,393 --> 00:10:03,686
[chuckles]
212
00:10:03,770 --> 00:10:06,064
You know, my friend is a vegetarian.
213
00:10:06,147 --> 00:10:08,358
And have you ever been wrong,
214
00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:11,986
and you suddenly realize,
/> You know, like...
215
00:10:12,070 --> 00:10:16,449
Because of him... all his arguments
true about vegetarianism
216
00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:19,077
He will go, like,
"How are you can kill an animal?
217
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:22,205
when can you get the same
from the field grass?
218
00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:23,581
That doesn't make sense. "
219
00:10:23,665 --> 00:10:26,459
And then I go," I like pork. "
220
00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:27,544
[laughter]
221
00:10:28,086 --> 00:10:29,087
I see...
222
00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:32,423
Of course, he's right...
223
00:10:33,716 --> 00:10:34,926
and I'm wrong
224
00:10:36,761 --> 00:10:38,972
And that's strange
If you realize you're wrong
225
00:10:39,055 --> 00:10:42,767
about everything you have ever believed -
about vegetarianism, not everything.
226
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:49,816
Imagine if you wake up and you realize
you are wrong about everything
227
00:10:49,899 --> 00:10:51,359
You are new just wake up and you leave,
228
00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:56,906
"Damn, I'm wrong
every thing I've ever believed. "
229
00:10:57,490 --> 00:10:58,491
[chuckles]
230
00:10:58,575 --> 00:10:59,576
[laughter]
231
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:06,583
Then it's time to go down to
the rope shop in my opinion, because...
232
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:07,667
[laughter]
233
00:11:08,751 --> 00:11:10,628
... it won't get better, you know?
234
00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:17,343
Go to the rope shop -
that's my suggestion for you...
235
00:11:18,761 --> 00:11:21,973
and get a big rope about this...
236
00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:25,560
then go to the shit shop.
237
00:11:25,643 --> 00:11:26,644
[laughter]
238
00:11:31,274 --> 00:11:33,318
And, listen, that's it's no coincidence
239
00:11:33,401 --> 00:11:35,445
it's a rope shop
and a mess shop
240
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:37,572
is always right next to each other right?
241
00:11:37,655 --> 00:11:38,656
[laughter]
242
00:11:39,365 --> 00:11:42,201
I don't want politics
or something like that, but...
243
00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:43,286
[laughter]
244
00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:51,377
When people commit suicide, no one
ever understand
Do you know what I mean?
245
00:11:51,461 --> 00:11:54,589
People commit suicide and people leave,
"I don't understand why,"
246
00:11:54,672 --> 00:11:55,840
and I leave, "You don't ? "
247
00:11:55,924 --> 00:11:56,925
[laughter]
248
00:12:01,763 --> 00:12:05,016
" What, did you stay at the cotton candy house?
or something?
What is this? "
249
00:12:05,099 --> 00:12:06,267
[laughter]
250
00:12:06,351 --> 00:12:07,852
"You don't know about life?"
251
00:12:09,062 --> 00:12:11,105
"How does it just disappoint and...
252
00:12:12,106 --> 00:12:15,902
get worse,
until it ends in a disaster?"
253
00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:16,986
[laughter]
254
00:12:18,237 --> 00:12:19,364
"What is this?"
255
00:12:19,447 --> 00:12:20,448
[laughter]
256
00:12:22,283 --> 00:12:25,828
There are two reasons
People will hang themselves from the neck.
257
00:12:25,912 --> 00:12:28,164
One of them is, like what we say,
258
00:12:28,247 --> 00:12:33,252
to avoid this worthless disguise
from our lives pretending we have.
259
00:12:33,336 --> 00:12:34,337
[laughter]
260
00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:39,884
And the second reason we hang ourselves
from the neck is to whack.
261
00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:40,969
These people...
262
00:12:41,052 --> 00:12:42,053
[laughter]
263
00:12:43,346 --> 00:12:44,764
... I don't understand .
264
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:51,020
This is called autoerotic fixation.
265
00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:53,606
This is a big and fancy word,
but it's a dirty thing.
266
00:12:53,690 --> 00:12:54,691
[laughter]
267
00:12:56,401 --> 00:12:58,277
And this is my problem with that.
268
00:12:58,361 --> 00:13:00,071
Risk-reward...
269
00:13:00,154 --> 00:13:01,155
[laughter]
270
00:13:01,990 --> 00:13:03,324
... not good.
271
00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:07,996
And I know about the rewards
because I read it.
272
00:13:08,079 --> 00:13:11,332
Apparently, by cutting oxygen,
or something like that,
273
00:13:11,416 --> 00:13:13,668
You increase your orgasm
274
00:13:13,751 --> 00:13:17,255
until that
one and a half times stronger
275
00:13:17,338 --> 00:13:20,216
like you have
the previous Thursday.
276
00:13:20,299 --> 00:13:21,300
[laughter]
277
00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:27,348
Is that really important?
278
00:13:28,182 --> 00:13:30,476
I mean,
We have a lot of things in this country.
279
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:32,395
You know, rain in the forest.
280
00:13:32,478 --> 00:13:36,691
There's a lot of nonsense we have
to think about... let alone get fired.
281
00:13:36,774 --> 00:13:38,109
That's our big problem?
282
00:13:43,906 --> 00:13:46,659
But the risk is - God!
283
00:13:46,743 --> 00:13:47,744
[laughter]
284
00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:53,332
People always wonder,
"What happens after you die?"
285
00:13:53,416 --> 00:13:55,126
Nobody know, you know?
286
00:13:55,209 --> 00:13:56,711
People pretend to know,
287
00:13:56,794 --> 00:13:59,672
but no one knows
what happened after you die
288
00:13:59,756 --> 00:14:03,509
But I know what happened to you
right after you die
289
00:14:03,593 --> 00:14:06,512
I know what happens
right after you die
290
00:14:07,013 --> 00:14:09,682
you found.
291
00:14:09,766 --> 00:14:10,767
[laughter]
292
00:14:15,313 --> 00:14:17,648
And this is where it gets complicated.
293
00:14:17,732 --> 00:14:18,733
[laughter]
294
00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:22,528
And it's always by loved ones.
295
00:14:23,571 --> 00:14:24,572
You know?
296
00:14:24,655 --> 00:14:27,700
And you don't want your child to enter,
"Ah, what the hell?"
297
00:14:28,618 --> 00:14:31,120
"How are you, Dad?
What... Huh?"
298
00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:32,205
[laughter]
299
00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:37,960
And so You will be remembered
forever, you know
300
00:14:38,044 --> 00:14:40,546
No problem
what else do you achieve in life
301
00:14:41,756 --> 00:14:44,675
Look, people are under misunderstanding
302
00:14:44,759 --> 00:14:49,180
that their lives are like a
film that will be remembered like that,
303
00:14:49,263 --> 00:14:50,306
but no.
304
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:52,183
It's just a photo, you know?
305
00:14:52,266 --> 00:14:54,477
A photo is still,
306
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:57,021
and that's unfortunately how.
307
00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:58,981
But, you know, like,
308
00:14:59,065 --> 00:15:01,776
if you think your child
will remember you as,
309
00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:07,156
"I remember my father taking me
to Disneyland in the heat,
310
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:12,370
Dan , for heaven's sake, he's lining up
to get Mickey Mouse's signature.
311
00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:14,080
It took two hours.
313
00:15:01,292 --> 00:15:19,293
[laughter]
314
00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:23,214
"It's a child unemployed college. "
315
00:15:24,674 --> 00:15:26,968
" But he still lives for me. "
317
00:15:28,469 --> 00:15:29,470
" Father. "
318
00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:31,931
" He has two jobs.
319
00:15:32,014 --> 00:15:34,851
You know, to put food on my plate,
321
00:15:37,728 --> 00:15:38,729
"Two jobs.
322
00:15:38,813 --> 00:15:40,940
And I remember one time -
I will never forget it -
323
00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:42,900
He came home late at night
and I was in bed.
324
00:15:42,984 --> 00:15:45,069
I pretended to be asleep,
but I didn't.
328
00:15:53,536 --> 00:15:56,664
my um...
forehead and my nose bridge.
331
00:16:00,835 --> 00:16:02,420
& apos; I love you son , & apos;
332
00:16:02,503 --> 00:16:03,963
then he goes.
333
00:16:04,046 --> 00:16:08,426
The next day, I want to say it
Something to him at the breakfast table,
334
00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:10,344
but he is out, < br /> he is driving back
335
00:16:10,428 --> 00:16:11,929
That is his second job. "
336
00:16:12,889 --> 00:16:15,516
" But, my God, my father... "
337
00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:18,311
After all, they don't remember at all.
All they remember is...
338
00:16:18,394 --> 00:16:19,395
"Ah!"
339
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:20,521
You know?
Because...
340
00:16:20,605 --> 00:16:21,856
[laughter and applause]
341
00:16:28,571 --> 00:16:31,449
Unfortunately,
That's how human way.
342
00:16:31,532 --> 00:16:32,533
[laughter]
343
00:16:33,659 --> 00:16:34,660
[cough]
344
00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:42,168
[sighs]
345
00:16:44,879 --> 00:16:47,340
I think if I do it -
and I don't think I'll ever...
346
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,051
But you never know.
347
00:16:50,551 --> 00:16:52,386
You can't predict the future.
348
00:16:53,262 --> 00:16:54,847
I can wake up one day and leave,
349
00:16:54,931 --> 00:16:58,267
"I want one of them to orgasm
350
00:16:58,351 --> 00:16:59,852
that's uh....
351
00:17:00,394 --> 00:17:04,398
more than two times stronger than... "
352
00:17:04,482 --> 00:17:05,483
[laughter]
353
00:17:06,651 --> 00:17:07,652
[chuckles]
354
00:17:08,945 --> 00:17:12,448
" I know advanced math degrees
sometimes it will be very useful,
355
00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:14,116
I don't know when. "
356
00:17:16,327 --> 00:17:18,579
This is what I will do
if that ever happened to me
357
00:17:18,663 --> 00:17:23,584
I will disguise it
so it seems like real suicide,
358
00:17:23,668 --> 00:17:26,671
Because at that time, when I was found,
359
00:17:26,754 --> 00:17:28,756
My son didn't want to go, "Ah!"
360
00:17:28,839 --> 00:17:31,384
he will go, "Oh, Oh, mysterious."
361
00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:32,468
[laughter]
362
00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:36,347
"The father of the mysterious man."
363
00:17:36,430 --> 00:17:37,598
[ chuckle]
364
00:17:37,682 --> 00:17:40,226
"This will happen
A very cool story for me right now."
365
00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:48,025
So I will pretend, you know,
that it is... it is real suicide.
366
00:17:48,109 --> 00:17:51,404
Like, I will write a note -
a note kill yourself
367
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:57,493
Do you think this is funny,
Just like a practical joke,
368
00:17:57,577 --> 00:18:01,872
If you only write suicide notes
and only blame a few random people?
369
00:18:02,707 --> 00:18:03,874
Do you think it will be...
370
00:18:04,792 --> 00:18:05,876
Do you know what I mean?
371
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,336
[laughter and applause]
372
00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:10,131
You know, like, your barber
or something like that, you know?
373
00:18:10,214 --> 00:18:11,215
[laughter]
374
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:15,177
You go,
"It's all Ralph Abernathy's fault!"
375
00:18:15,261 --> 00:18:16,262
[laughter]
376
00:18:18,973 --> 00:18:20,308
Because you know the police
377
00:18:20,391 --> 00:18:23,311
will be forced
to go to Abernathy's barber shop...
378
00:18:24,562 --> 00:18:27,648
and go, "Have you ever heard of a friend,
Norm Macdonald's name?"
379
00:18:27,732 --> 00:18:30,860
The man said, "Yes, he will enter
every few months for trim. "
380
00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:34,864
" Oh well, yes,
He took his life because of you. "
381
00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:35,948
[laughter]
382
00:18:37,992 --> 00:18:40,620
" He wrote it here in a letter this.
Do you want to save...? "
383
00:18:45,583 --> 00:18:49,045
Then Ralph Abernethy has to spend it
the rest of his life goes on...
384
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:50,129
[laughter]
385
00:18:55,593 --> 00:18:58,137
Life is quite heavy
without having to walk...
386
00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:09,482
That's not a good practical joke.
387
00:19:09,565 --> 00:19:13,402
I should never...
Frame it as a good practical joke,
388
00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:16,072
because it might be
the worst practical joke...
389
00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:17,156
[laughter]
390
00:19:17,239 --> 00:19:18,240
You know?
391
00:19:19,241 --> 00:19:23,037
This is the kind of practical joke he got
you were raped by the devil for this long.
392
00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,121
[laughter]
393
00:19:32,046 --> 00:19:36,509
I came here from Las Vegas, Nevada,
394
00:19:36,592 --> 00:19:38,344
and when I'm in the air...
395
00:19:38,427 --> 00:19:39,679
Uh...
396
00:19:39,762 --> 00:19:42,306
Where are the planes flying?
Airports.
397
00:19:42,390 --> 00:19:43,391
[ laughter]
398
00:19:44,225 --> 00:19:48,062
I was at the airport,
and people asked me for my ID,
399
00:19:48,145 --> 00:19:51,899
and that occurred to me
That ID is a strange abbreviation,
400
00:19:51,982 --> 00:19:54,694
because "I" is short for "I,"
401
00:19:54,777 --> 00:19:56,028
and then "D"...
402
00:19:57,071 --> 00:19:59,740
stands for "dentification," so... .
403
00:19:59,824 --> 00:20:00,825
[laughter]
404
00:20:01,992 --> 00:20:05,121
... it seems to me
"D" is doing most...
405
00:20:06,789 --> 00:20:08,416
working hard on one
406
00:20:10,793 --> 00:20:12,086
But Vegas is cool.
407
00:20:13,671 --> 00:20:14,964
They have a motto in Vegas.
408
00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:16,924
They got their own slogan for the city.
409
00:20:17,007 --> 00:20:21,345
He said:
"What happened in Vegas remained in Vegas."
410
00:20:21,929 --> 00:20:22,930
That's not true.
411
00:20:23,013 --> 00:20:26,267
You know, you can't kill a man
and then just leave, you know?
412
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:29,854
They will follow you, they will find you,
413
00:20:29,937 --> 00:20:33,691
they will take you back, and they will do it
try you in front of the jury of your colleagues.
414
00:20:33,774 --> 00:20:34,775
[laughter]
415
00:20:35,985 --> 00:20:38,904
So I thought, well,
what that means, anyways, you know
416
00:20:38,988 --> 00:20:40,406
And I pondered it,
417
00:20:40,489 --> 00:20:43,117
day and night and night.
418
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:44,201
[laughter]
419
00:20:44,702 --> 00:20:48,873
No sleep for weeks
not sleeping anymore.
420
00:20:49,623 --> 00:20:52,501
And finally, it occurred to me.
421
00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:53,878
That's very simple.
422
00:20:53,961 --> 00:20:56,130
That's right in front of my face
all the time
423
00:20:56,213 --> 00:20:58,048
"Whatever happens in Vegas
lives in Vegas,"
424
00:20:58,132 --> 00:21:00,676
all that really means
can you go to Vegas,
425
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:03,179
you can have sex with a prostitute...
426
00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:04,263
[laughter]
427
00:21:05,556 --> 00:21:07,725
... and he won't tell your wife
428
00:21:07,808 --> 00:21:08,809
[laughter]
429
00:21:10,936 --> 00:21:13,481
They are very careful,
430
00:21:13,564 --> 00:21:16,358
Las Vegas prostitutes.
431
00:21:17,401 --> 00:21:18,486
You know?
432
00:21:18,569 --> 00:21:20,279
Not like this gossip,
433
00:21:20,362 --> 00:21:24,325
city prostitutes little
back where you live, you know
434
00:21:24,408 --> 00:21:26,243
These fucking blabbermouths.
435
00:21:26,327 --> 00:21:27,328
[laughter]
436
00:21:28,037 --> 00:21:31,415
Get off at the beauty salon
with things pale blue above their heads,
437
00:21:31,499 --> 00:21:32,792
whatever it is.
438
00:21:32,875 --> 00:21:34,043
[laughter]
439
00:21:34,126 --> 00:21:35,878
"Oh, you are Marge Majerson?
440
00:21:35,961 --> 00:21:37,463
You are a wife Neil
441
00:21:37,546 --> 00:21:39,215
Alright, for God's sake! "
442
00:21:40,424 --> 00:21:42,551
" I sucked at him last night...
443
00:21:42,635 --> 00:21:43,636
[laughter]
444
00:21:44,470 --> 00:21:46,055
... in return for cash. "
445
00:21:48,474 --> 00:21:49,683
" Good friend. "
446
00:21:49,767 --> 00:21:50,768
[laughter]
447
00:21:54,396 --> 00:21:57,942
My favorite thing
is the magic cellphone we all have.
448
00:21:58,025 --> 00:21:59,443
You know,
449
00:21:59,527 --> 00:22:02,404
Not long ago, cellphones weren't magic.
450
00:22:02,488 --> 00:22:04,490
They were just used to calling people.
451
00:22:04,573 --> 00:22:07,952
And uh... they can't take pictures.
452
00:22:08,035 --> 00:22:09,078
You know?
453
00:22:09,161 --> 00:22:12,122
If you want to take pictures -
this is just, like, 20 years ago -
454
00:22:12,206 --> 00:22:14,708
You have to use... < br /> You can't use the telephone.
455
00:22:15,417 --> 00:22:16,627
I remember I tried.
456
00:22:16,710 --> 00:22:18,587
"Alright, just keep going there..."
457
00:22:18,671 --> 00:22:19,839
[laughter]
458
00:22:19,922 --> 00:22:22,216
People go, "What are you doing?"
"Don't worry, this..."
459
00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:26,887
I'm a little ahead of my time,
but they think...
460
00:22:26,971 --> 00:22:27,972
[laughter]
461
00:22:33,644 --> 00:22:35,854
No, you have to use the camera,
462
00:22:35,938 --> 00:22:38,232
and then you will insert the film into the camera,
463
00:22:38,315 --> 00:22:41,193
and then you will go to Fotomat.
464
00:22:41,277 --> 00:22:42,278
That very beautiful.
465
00:22:42,361 --> 00:22:44,071
And you will give it to this old man,
466
00:22:44,154 --> 00:22:46,574
and he will go behind some
beads and items, you know
467
00:22:46,657 --> 00:22:47,658
[laughter]
468
00:22:49,034 --> 00:22:52,204
And then you go, "When will I see their
picture?" He goes, "I don't know."
469
00:22:52,288 --> 00:22:53,289
And then you leave...
470
00:22:53,998 --> 00:22:56,709
"I'll call you every few weeks.
How is that?"
471
00:22:56,792 --> 00:22:57,793
[laughter]
472
00:22:59,169 --> 00:23:03,090
And then, one day,
You heard that your picture was ready.
473
00:23:03,924 --> 00:23:07,636
So you brought your whole family,
and all of you appeared,
474
00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:09,263
and you got the envelope.
475
00:23:09,346 --> 00:23:10,598
That's very beautiful.
476
00:23:10,681 --> 00:23:13,267
And you unsealed it, you know,
477
00:23:13,350 --> 00:23:16,395
and then there are pictures -
a handful.
478
00:23:16,478 --> 00:23:18,063
Like, you will go, "Hey, look at this.
479
00:23:18,147 --> 00:23:21,191
This is a picture of Aunt Ida,
480
00:23:21,275 --> 00:23:23,777
But her eyes are red like a demon. "
481
00:23:23,861 --> 00:23:24,862
[laughter]
482
00:23:27,364 --> 00:23:29,116
" Maybe Bibi Ida is a devil. "
483
00:23:29,199 --> 00:23:30,200
[laughter]
484
00:23:31,660 --> 00:23:32,661
" Hey, look at this!
485
00:23:32,745 --> 00:23:34,330
This is a picture of my dog,
486
00:23:34,413 --> 00:23:38,042
But I put a hat and a glass on it
so it will look like someone. "
487
00:23:39,084 --> 00:23:41,211
" Still looks
like a little dog. "
488
00:23:41,295 --> 00:23:42,296
[laughter]
489
00:23:43,297 --> 00:23:45,466
" Hey, look, that's your picture!
490
00:23:45,549 --> 00:23:47,217
But look at your jacket and hair!
491
00:23:47,301 --> 00:23:48,510
Ha! "
492
00:23:48,594 --> 00:23:49,595
[laughter]
493
00:23:50,220 --> 00:23:52,431
" Here's how first... Ha! "
494
00:23:52,931 --> 00:23:54,266
" Remember that hair? "
495
00:23:57,353 --> 00:24:02,274
So you need time for that image
to make sense or have any resonance.
496
00:24:04,234 --> 00:24:05,402
Right now, you go,
497
00:24:05,486 --> 00:24:07,363
"Hey, would you like to see the picture?
498
00:24:07,446 --> 00:24:10,407
from you standing right where you are
one second ago? "
499
00:24:10,491 --> 00:24:11,492
[laughter]
500
00:24:12,451 --> 00:24:13,577
" I have one here. "
501
00:24:15,746 --> 00:24:17,331
"Your hair is identical."
502
00:24:17,414 --> 00:24:18,415
[laughter]
503
00:24:18,916 --> 00:24:20,292
"I think so, huh?"
504
00:24:22,586 --> 00:24:23,587
[laughter]
505
00:24:26,090 --> 00:24:27,758
In the past,
506
00:24:27,841 --> 00:24:29,718
they will take pictures like...
507
00:24:29,802 --> 00:24:32,554
In my house there are pictures
from my great grandfather,
508
00:24:32,638 --> 00:24:34,014
and I only have it, you know?
509
00:24:34,098 --> 00:24:37,434
At that time,
they only have one picture of everyone,
510
00:24:37,518 --> 00:24:40,979
because they will pull it away,
and that will explode and all that nonsense.
511
00:24:41,063 --> 00:24:42,064
[laughter]
512
00:24:42,773 --> 00:24:43,857
And that's just me...
513
00:24:43,941 --> 00:24:45,025
Nobody is happy...
514
00:24:46,068 --> 00:24:48,570
because it took a long time
to take your picture
515
00:24:48,654 --> 00:24:50,739
So only my great grandfather is like...
516
00:24:50,823 --> 00:24:51,824
[laughter]
517
00:24:52,449 --> 00:24:54,284
"How long will it take, sir?"
518
00:24:57,246 --> 00:24:58,914
"Who will feed them pork?"
519
00:24:58,997 --> 00:24:59,998
[laughter]
520
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:04,670
"That definitely won't be Marjorie,
I'll say that."
521
00:25:04,753 --> 00:25:05,754
[laughter]
522
00:25:10,509 --> 00:25:13,887
Do you know what else I like
about the magic phone?
Wikipedia.
523
00:25:14,555 --> 00:25:16,849
Oh, have you ever used it?
That's the best, man.
524
00:25:17,516 --> 00:25:21,395
That makes democracy not smart.
525
00:25:22,062 --> 00:25:24,106
Everyone is the same now, you know?
526
00:25:24,189 --> 00:25:27,234
Previously
A man will go to school five, six years
527
00:25:27,317 --> 00:25:30,237
and then he will talk to me,
and I will be like, "Uh..."
528
00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:31,321
But now...
529
00:25:31,405 --> 00:25:32,406
[laughter]
530
00:25:33,073 --> 00:25:34,533
Now everything is different...
531
00:25:35,659 --> 00:25:38,162
because I have my magic phone
in my pocket
532
00:25:38,704 --> 00:25:40,998
So a man will say to me -
he will go, "Hey, Norm,
533
00:25:41,081 --> 00:25:45,961
Have you heard of a friend
That happened with the name Claude Monet?"
534
00:25:46,044 --> 00:25:47,045
[laughter ]
535
00:25:48,213 --> 00:25:51,508
And I went, "Why, of course I have.
536
00:25:51,592 --> 00:25:52,968
I have to go to the bathroom."
537
00:25:53,051 --> 00:25:54,052
[laughter]
538
00:25:55,304 --> 00:25:57,055
Then I go to the bathroom,
539
00:25:57,139 --> 00:25:59,683
and I'm there 20-25 minutes,
and I'm back
540
00:25:59,767 --> 00:26:00,768
[laughter]
541
00:26:00,851 --> 00:26:03,812
I'm go, "Hey, listen, I just got uh...
542
00:26:03,896 --> 00:26:06,732
We talked about Claude Monet,
and I just want to say it
543
00:26:06,815 --> 00:26:11,361
That, you know, what I like it
is the painting.
544
00:26:11,445 --> 00:26:12,446
[laughter]
545
00:26:14,573 --> 00:26:16,950
"I like the way he painted.
546
00:26:17,034 --> 00:26:18,744
He is a painter,
547
00:26:18,827 --> 00:26:23,207
and I like how he uses the paint
to make paintings."
548
00:26:23,290 --> 00:26:24,291
[laughter]
549
00:26:27,377 --> 00:26:29,296
Then the man left, "Damn, Norma!"
550
00:26:29,922 --> 00:26:32,382
"I have never been able to
to arrest you in two years."
551
00:26:32,466 --> 00:26:33,467
[mumbles]
552
00:26:33,550 --> 00:26:34,551
[laughter]
553
00:26:39,264 --> 00:26:40,265
[sighs]
554
00:26:42,267 --> 00:26:45,270
But I look at me...
Because I like to learn on my Wikipedia.
555
00:26:45,354 --> 00:26:48,565
And I see, because I wonder
about fame, fame,
556
00:26:48,649 --> 00:26:50,984
because it has changed a lot, you know?
557
00:26:51,068 --> 00:26:53,028
And when I was young it was one thing,
558
00:26:53,111 --> 00:26:54,905
and now everything is different.
559
00:26:55,447 --> 00:26:59,743
And uh I wonder
how many people have reached the moon -
560
00:26:59,827 --> 00:27:02,162
Like, it's actually running on the moon.
561
00:27:02,246 --> 00:27:05,541
So I saw my magic phone
and I know.
562
00:27:06,166 --> 00:27:11,213
Only 14 - 13 or 14 -
in all world history.
563
00:27:11,296 --> 00:27:15,259
You would think
That will make you very, very famous.
564
00:27:15,759 --> 00:27:16,760
But no.
565
00:27:16,844 --> 00:27:17,845
[laughter]
566
00:27:18,929 --> 00:27:20,597
The last person to walk...
567
00:27:20,681 --> 00:27:24,142
Now, you think he will be famous
for being the last person on the moon.
568
00:27:24,226 --> 00:27:26,061
His name is Harrison Schmitt.
569
00:27:27,688 --> 00:27:29,231
Now, who heard about him?
570
00:27:29,314 --> 00:27:30,315
[laughter]
571
00:27:30,941 --> 00:27:32,985
Meanwhile,
he went all the way to the moon,
572
00:27:33,068 --> 00:27:35,279
hangs around there for a while
and back
573
00:27:35,988 --> 00:27:37,447
He's not famous,
574
00:27:37,531 --> 00:27:40,325
But a girl with a famous giant donkey.
575
00:27:40,409 --> 00:27:41,660
[laughter and applause]
576
00:27:43,537 --> 00:27:45,497
Now, when I was young,
577
00:27:45,581 --> 00:27:48,125
A man who went to the famous moon,
578
00:27:48,208 --> 00:27:50,127
and a woman with a giant donkey, you will leave,
579
00:27:50,210 --> 00:27:52,462
"Can you stand there?
Because of this..."
580
00:27:52,546 --> 00:27:53,547
[laughter]
581
00:28:00,470 --> 00:28:02,139
Harrison Schmitt.
582
00:28:04,641 --> 00:28:07,311
So how many people went to the moon
do we know?
583
00:28:07,394 --> 00:28:09,146
There... We know the first.
584
00:28:09,229 --> 00:28:11,273
There is Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin.
585
00:28:11,356 --> 00:28:14,109
They went on Apollo 11 -
Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin.
586
00:28:14,192 --> 00:28:17,905
And the third one is hard to remember.
His name is Michael Collins.
587
00:28:17,988 --> 00:28:19,907
And Michael Collins,
588
00:28:19,990 --> 00:28:21,158
in one...
589
00:28:22,284 --> 00:28:25,329
only the most unfair joke -
590
00:28:25,412 --> 00:28:27,122
I don't know what it is -
591
00:28:27,205 --> 00:28:31,168
he has to go all the way to the moon
but doesn't go on the moon.
592
00:28:31,251 --> 00:28:32,252
[laughter]
593
00:28:34,379 --> 00:28:35,380
[chuckles ]
594
00:28:36,506 --> 00:28:38,258
All the way to the moon,
595
00:28:38,342 --> 00:28:40,677
and then, the little rope ladder,
596
00:28:40,761 --> 00:28:42,262
he is not allowed to go down.
597
00:28:42,346 --> 00:28:43,347
[laughter]
598
00:28:44,848 --> 00:28:47,517
He must stay in the capsule of the month...
599
00:28:49,228 --> 00:28:52,731
while Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong
go on the moon
600
00:28:52,814 --> 00:28:55,234
Michael Collins
just look out the window, go...
601
00:28:57,027 --> 00:28:59,154
"Are they bastards playing golf?!"
602
00:28:59,238 --> 00:29:00,489
[laughter and applause]
603
00:29:03,909 --> 00:29:05,661
"My God! They play golf!"
604
00:29:07,329 --> 00:29:09,998
"Wait a minute, they...
they have a dune buggy now!"
605
00:29:10,082 --> 00:29:11,083
[laughter]
606
00:29:12,793 --> 00:29:16,880
"I was only allowed to bring so many
and they brought dune buggies.
607
00:29:16,964 --> 00:29:17,965
This is..."
608
00:29:18,507 --> 00:29:21,134
[grumbles] "I have to follow
A nice face, I guess."
609
00:29:21,218 --> 00:29:22,219
[laughter]
610
00:29:26,181 --> 00:29:28,642
Then Buzz and Neil,
I'm sure they Good people,
611
00:29:28,725 --> 00:29:31,144
they don't want to hurt Michael Collins,
you know?
612
00:29:31,228 --> 00:29:35,232
So they might come back, you know,
to the lunar capsule, you know,
613
00:29:35,315 --> 00:29:38,944
and Michael Collins like, "What do you
think, guys
like what's that month? "
614
00:29:39,027 --> 00:29:40,529
And they're like," Ah. "
615
00:29:40,612 --> 00:29:41,613
[laughter]
616
00:29:43,323 --> 00:29:46,535
" It's okay
If you like things like that, I guess. "
617
00:29:46,618 --> 00:29:47,619
[laughter]
618
00:29:50,414 --> 00:29:53,667
" I prefer the lunar capsules themselves, I... "
619
00:29:53,750 --> 00:29:54,751
[laughter]
620
00:29:54,835 --> 00:29:56,795
"I can't talk to Buzz, but...
621
00:29:58,380 --> 00:30:00,340
I really like the lunar capsule."
622
00:30:04,594 --> 00:30:05,595
[chuckles]
623
00:30:06,972 --> 00:30:10,350
Because that's what you do.
You know, most of your life is mediocre.
624
00:30:10,434 --> 00:30:13,895
I decided to write a book right?
So, it's a book about my life.
625
00:30:13,979 --> 00:30:16,148
They said, "Just write your life,"
so I said...
626
00:30:16,231 --> 00:30:17,065
[cheering]
627
00:30:17,149 --> 00:30:19,860
Oh thank you.
Yes.
Yes.
628
00:30:19,943 --> 00:30:22,404
It turns out that
the biggest comic novel ever written,
629
00:30:22,487 --> 00:30:27,993
but when it starts
It should be a memoir, you know?
630
00:30:28,076 --> 00:30:30,704
A... An autobiography.
631
00:30:30,787 --> 00:30:33,790
So that makes you think, < br /> "Well, what is my life?"
632
00:30:33,874 --> 00:30:35,417
So I started thinking about it, right?
633
00:30:35,500 --> 00:30:37,753
So I said, "Okay, I wake up in the morning,
634
00:30:37,836 --> 00:30:40,172
and I eat Count Chocula. "
635
00:30:40,255 --> 00:30:41,256
[laughter]
636
00:30:42,632 --> 00:30:47,095
And then I watch Sports Center
while I digest Count Chocula,
637
00:30:47,179 --> 00:30:50,182
and I call my friend Fat Freddie.
638
00:30:50,766 --> 00:30:52,392
And I go, "Hey.
639
00:30:52,476 --> 00:30:55,937
You want to eat a cheese sandwich
or about three o'clock?
640
00:30:56,021 --> 00:30:59,900
I... I have to wait for
for my Count Chocula to digest,
641
00:30:59,983 --> 00:31:02,235
but how do you handle it? "
642
00:31:02,319 --> 00:31:05,614
He said," Yeah, good, "
so I went with him.
643
00:31:05,697 --> 00:31:09,534
And on the way, I got some groceries
to take home later,
644
00:31:09,618 --> 00:31:12,913
and uh... and then, of course,
there's dinner, you know
645
00:31:13,538 --> 00:31:16,500
So most of my life
646
00:31:16,583 --> 00:31:20,587
is searching and consuming food.
647
00:31:20,670 --> 00:31:21,671
[laughter]
648
00:31:23,298 --> 00:31:26,009
So it doesn't make amazing reading.
649
00:31:26,093 --> 00:31:27,094
[laughter]
650
00:31:29,304 --> 00:31:30,305
[chuckles]
651
00:31:30,847 --> 00:31:33,141
This is very repetitive.
652
00:31:38,397 --> 00:31:39,773
[chuckles]
653
00:31:39,856 --> 00:31:41,691
When you are writing, you learn a lot.
654
00:31:41,775 --> 00:31:43,860
I go to a man who is a great writer.
655
00:31:43,944 --> 00:31:46,071
He tells about many things
I don't know.
656
00:31:46,154 --> 00:31:48,156
Metaphor - have you ever heard of them?
657
00:31:48,240 --> 00:31:49,241
[laughter]
658
00:31:49,741 --> 00:31:52,452
He said, "You must use a metaphor."
I am like, "What is that?"
659
00:31:52,953 --> 00:31:54,329
He is like, "That's all.
660
00:31:54,413 --> 00:31:55,747
So, that metaphor like,
661
00:31:55,831 --> 00:31:57,958
& apos; you can lead a horse to water,
662
00:31:58,041 --> 00:32:00,127
but you can't make it drink. & apos; "
663
00:32:00,210 --> 00:32:01,920
I'm like," What do you mean? "
664
00:32:02,003 --> 00:32:03,213
So he's like,
665
00:32:03,296 --> 00:32:06,341
" That means you can take someone,
you know,
666
00:32:06,425 --> 00:32:09,302
and you can give them
all information and everything,
667
00:32:09,386 --> 00:32:13,640
But he still has to be the person
to absorb it himself. "
668
00:32:13,723 --> 00:32:16,685
So I'm like," Okay, why fuck
aren't you just say that?
Like what... "
669
00:32:16,768 --> 00:32:17,602
[laughter]
670
00:32:19,062 --> 00:32:21,356
" Why do you have to put a horse in it?
What do you like... "
671
00:32:21,440 --> 00:32:22,441
[laughter]
672
00:32:23,275 --> 00:32:27,195
"You think I'm so stupid that you need
to make it into some fairy tale?
What is it like..."
673
00:32:28,113 --> 00:32:29,364
"Horse?"
674
00:32:33,285 --> 00:32:36,955
"Or sometimes
the part of metaphor is true,
675
00:32:37,038 --> 00:32:39,374
But the literal part is not true.
676
00:32:39,458 --> 00:32:45,005
They will go, like, & apos; What is not
killing you makes you stronger, right?
677
00:32:45,088 --> 00:32:47,090
Now, metaphorically, that's true,
678
00:32:47,174 --> 00:32:49,926
like maybe a woman
Broke your heart, you know,
679
00:32:50,010 --> 00:32:52,179
or life is misleading your bad hands.
680
00:32:52,262 --> 00:32:55,348
And then next time
you are ready for that
681
00:32:55,432 --> 00:32:57,934
and uh...
and that at all don't hurt you. "
682
00:32:58,643 --> 00:33:00,812
" But, literally, that's not true at all.
683
00:33:00,896 --> 00:33:05,192
Literally that, & apos; What's not
killing you makes you weak
684
00:33:05,275 --> 00:33:06,276
[laughter]
685
00:33:07,486 --> 00:33:10,822
... and maybe it will kill you
next time it appears. "
686
00:33:16,786 --> 00:33:19,539
That's why I like it - personally -
687
00:33:19,623 --> 00:33:24,878
I like the metaphor that's true
and the literal part is true.
688
00:33:24,961 --> 00:33:27,839
Like.... they say, like,
"Beauty is only skin deep."
689
00:33:27,923 --> 00:33:30,008
I think it's beautiful, because that's the way it is.
690
00:33:30,091 --> 00:33:31,885
Like, you know, really,
691
00:33:31,968 --> 00:33:34,554
what makes someone interesting
what's inside -
692
00:33:34,638 --> 00:33:38,016
their friendship,
their friendliness, their good intentions,
693
00:33:38,099 --> 00:33:42,312
isn't this.... optical tricks, you know?
694
00:33:43,396 --> 00:33:46,399
And so it is,
But also, literally that's true,
695
00:33:46,483 --> 00:33:50,529
because you can
the most handsome man in the world , you know?
696
00:33:50,612 --> 00:33:53,740
You can have, like, this chiseled jaw
697
00:33:53,823 --> 00:33:57,244
and beautiful,
Thick hair, you know?
698
00:33:57,786 --> 00:34:00,872
His shoulders are big and his waist is narrow.
699
00:34:00,956 --> 00:34:02,123
Are you horny
700
00:34:02,207 --> 00:34:03,416
[laughter]
701
00:34:03,500 --> 00:34:04,668
Is it just me, or...?
702
00:34:08,964 --> 00:34:11,424
Giant thighs, perfect body.
703
00:34:11,508 --> 00:34:14,135
Six percent body fat, you know?
704
00:34:17,430 --> 00:34:20,141
But you take the same person
705
00:34:20,225 --> 00:34:21,351
and you skin him. < /p>
706
00:34:21,434 --> 00:34:22,435
[tawa]
707
00:34:29,192 --> 00:34:30,569
Tiba-iba...
708
00:34:34,155 --> 00:34:36,950
He is not so easy on the eyes.
709
00:34:37,033 --> 00:34:38,034
[laughter]
710
00:34:46,167 --> 00:34:47,836
[moans]
711
00:34:47,919 --> 00:34:49,254
I'm old, you know?
712
00:34:50,297 --> 00:34:53,425
I asked my doctor...
It's interesting, because I was wondering...
713
00:34:53,508 --> 00:34:56,595
You know,
I know the first two causes of death -
714
00:34:56,678 --> 00:34:59,097
heart disease and cancer,
715
00:34:59,180 --> 00:35:01,057
neck and neck, you know, to kill you
716
00:35:01,141 --> 00:35:05,437
So I said to the doctor, "What's wrong?
The third most common cause of death?
717
00:35:05,520 --> 00:35:06,646
What is the third?"
718
00:35:06,730 --> 00:35:09,858
And he said, "Complications."
719
00:35:09,941 --> 00:35:11,359
[laughter]
720
00:35:11,443 --> 00:35:13,945
That's...
It's like a fucking doctor.
721
00:35:14,029 --> 00:35:15,196
Like, what is the third one?
722
00:35:15,864 --> 00:35:17,073
That's the third one?
723
00:35:20,827 --> 00:35:25,957
You go, "Hey, Doc, I can't help
but seeing my father dead uh...
724
00:35:26,041 --> 00:35:27,334
[laughter]
725
00:35:27,417 --> 00:35:31,171
... and I remember yesterday
You said it was a simple operation. "
726
00:35:32,130 --> 00:35:34,674
And he was like,
" Yeah , we think so. "
727
00:35:35,675 --> 00:35:37,719
" Looks simple in this book,
I will say that. "
728
00:35:38,553 --> 00:35:42,766
" But uh...
You cut a person man, by God, that... "
729
00:35:42,849 --> 00:35:44,225
[laughter]
730
00:35:44,309 --> 00:35:46,811
" All red stringed goods
and everything. "
731
00:35:48,438 --> 00:35:49,648
" Do Are you a doctor? "
" No. "
732
00:35:49,731 --> 00:35:51,441
" Ah, you will never hear it.
733
00:35:51,524 --> 00:35:53,318
Terlalu rumit bagimu. "
734
00:35:56,196 --> 00:35:58,198
But you're worried when you're old, you know?
735
00:35:58,281 --> 00:36:00,950
You're worried, scared.
736
00:36:02,535 --> 00:36:04,371
I remember my grandmother, you know,
737
00:36:04,454 --> 00:36:07,874
she's like.... I thought he was like 85
at that time or something,
738
00:36:07,957 --> 00:36:11,670
and I looked at him - he was sitting
his chair - and I said, "Hey, Grandma."
739
00:36:11,753 --> 00:36:13,004
He bruised, right?
740
00:36:13,088 --> 00:36:15,173
And that happened from him... from his wrist,
741
00:36:15,256 --> 00:36:18,426
Along the way on his arm,
right on his shoulder
742
00:36:18,510 --> 00:36:20,095
Big bruises -
743
00:36:20,178 --> 00:36:23,264
purple, green and yellow
744
00:36:23,348 --> 00:36:24,683
[laughter]
745
00:36:24,766 --> 00:36:26,059
One third of each.
746
00:36:26,142 --> 00:36:27,477
And I say...
747
00:36:27,560 --> 00:36:31,189
I said,
"Grandma, where did you bruise?"
748
00:36:31,272 --> 00:36:34,067
Then my grandmother said, "Wind."
749
00:36:34,150 --> 00:36:35,151
[ laughter]
750
00:36:37,821 --> 00:36:39,072
I said, "Wind?"
751
00:36:40,949 --> 00:36:44,202
And he said, "Yes, do you remember?
A breeze yesterday?"
752
00:36:44,285 --> 00:36:45,286
[laughter]
753
00:36:46,204 --> 00:36:47,747
I'm like, "Yes, I remember "
754
00:36:53,169 --> 00:36:55,130
My parents are teachers,
755
00:36:55,213 --> 00:36:57,882
which is a noble profession,
everyone says
756
00:36:57,966 --> 00:36:58,800
[chuckles]
757
00:36:58,883 --> 00:36:59,718
[laughter]
758
00:36:59,801 --> 00:37:02,220
They're fine guys.
But do you know what's weird?
759
00:37:02,303 --> 00:37:04,848
They all said,
"The teacher is a true hero. "
760
00:37:04,931 --> 00:37:07,475
My people - not heroic at all.
761
00:37:07,559 --> 00:37:08,893
[laughter]
762
00:37:08,977 --> 00:37:11,146
And, in fact,
763
00:37:11,229 --> 00:37:15,316
I've never met with a
teacher who shows heroism.
764
00:37:15,400 --> 00:37:16,609
[laughter]
765
00:37:16,693 --> 00:37:18,319
And I've known many teachers,
766
00:37:18,403 --> 00:37:21,364
because I'm a student
for years.
767
00:37:21,448 --> 00:37:22,449
[laughter]
768
00:37:23,074 --> 00:37:25,702
And I never left,
"Hey, Barney, man,
769
00:37:25,785 --> 00:37:28,413
I only saw Abernathy's parents,
770
00:37:28,496 --> 00:37:33,251
You know, when he was removing it
/> chalk on the board,
771
00:37:33,334 --> 00:37:34,961
where he put the lime...
772
00:37:36,129 --> 00:37:38,882
and I thought,
He cut a heroic figure, didn't he? "
773
00:37:38,965 --> 00:37:40,300
[laughter]
774
00:37:40,383 --> 00:37:43,595
"No, me too, I don't think so,
between.
I just heard it somewhere."
775
00:37:46,556 --> 00:37:47,557
[ chuckles]
776
00:37:48,349 --> 00:37:52,061
And it's not a difficult job when you
Think about it.
Do you know what I mean?
777
00:37:54,981 --> 00:37:56,107
Like, this is pretty good...
778
00:37:56,191 --> 00:37:58,318
If you have a job where you go to work -
779
00:37:58,401 --> 00:38:00,361
like Grade 3 - you go to work,
780
00:38:00,445 --> 00:38:04,032
and you are 50 times bigger
than all the person you work with...
781
00:38:04,115 --> 00:38:04,949
[laughter]
782
00:38:05,033 --> 00:38:06,284
That's a good job.
783
00:38:07,702 --> 00:38:09,788
Plus, they do all the work.
784
00:38:09,871 --> 00:38:11,247
[laughter]
785
00:38:11,331 --> 00:38:12,791
You don't do anything.
786
00:38:12,874 --> 00:38:14,042
That...
787
00:38:14,125 --> 00:38:15,126
[chuckles]
788
00:38:16,169 --> 00:38:17,337
What about students?
789
00:38:17,420 --> 00:38:19,422
What about giving some of them
"heroism"?
790
00:38:19,506 --> 00:38:20,507
You know,...
791
00:38:22,050 --> 00:38:24,511
five-year-olds who work for free.
792
00:38:24,594 --> 00:38:25,595
[laughter]
793
00:38:28,932 --> 00:38:31,226
What do you need, really ,
to be a teacher anyway?
794
00:38:31,309 --> 00:38:33,978
What are your qualifications?
795
00:38:34,062 --> 00:38:36,397
Let's say you teach third grade.
796
00:38:36,481 --> 00:38:37,690
What... what do you need?
797
00:38:37,774 --> 00:38:39,108
Fourth grade education.
798
00:38:39,192 --> 00:38:41,986
Really, anything above that...
799
00:38:42,070 --> 00:38:43,363
[laughter]
800
00:38:43,446 --> 00:38:45,615
... You are overqualified, really, you know?
801
00:38:49,786 --> 00:38:50,995
I don't like school.
802
00:38:52,789 --> 00:38:54,415
I like it before school.
803
00:38:54,499 --> 00:38:56,000
Man, do you remember that?
804
00:38:56,084 --> 00:38:57,627
Before you have to go to school.
805
00:38:57,710 --> 00:39:00,380
Man, that is the best time ever.
I will never forget it
806
00:39:00,922 --> 00:39:02,882
Those are my best days, friend.
807
00:39:02,966 --> 00:39:04,467
I really love them.
808
00:39:04,551 --> 00:39:07,136
I remember, like,
I will go to Shawn Kay's house ,
809
00:39:07,220 --> 00:39:08,555
and I will have a stick,
810
00:39:08,638 --> 00:39:10,181
and that will be all day long.
811
00:39:10,265 --> 00:39:11,599
[laughter]
812
00:39:12,183 --> 00:39:15,270
I'll go, " Shawn, I have a stick! "
He will go," God damn it! We will go play. "
813
00:39:15,353 --> 00:39:16,354
[laughter]
814
00:39:16,938 --> 00:39:18,356
That's very fun.
815
00:39:19,065 --> 00:39:21,359
And then, one day, suddenly I was at school.
816
00:39:21,442 --> 00:39:24,946
They dragged me in,
and I remember there were tears and...
817
00:39:25,572 --> 00:39:26,865
Aku seperti, "Apa-apaan ini?"
818
00:39:28,449 --> 00:39:30,869
There are these windows
that make it even...
819
00:39:30,952 --> 00:39:32,495
You will look out the window
820
00:39:32,579 --> 00:39:35,164
and sometimes
you will see that stick, You know?
821
00:39:35,248 --> 00:39:36,374
[laughs]
822
00:39:36,457 --> 00:39:37,584
And you will go, "Damn it!
823
00:39:37,667 --> 00:39:40,962
What are the cruelty of these people?
Don't know offense? "
824
00:39:45,925 --> 00:39:49,804
Right now, you know,
they have ADD and things like that.
825
00:39:49,888 --> 00:39:52,765
For children in the class who are like,
" Hey "I want to get out!"
826
00:39:52,849 --> 00:39:54,517
they left, "We will give you medicine."
827
00:39:54,601 --> 00:39:55,602
[laughter]
828
00:39:57,645 --> 00:39:59,355
"Then you don't want to come out... .
829
00:40:00,648 --> 00:40:03,484
and run around the grass
and have fun with his stick. "
830
00:40:03,568 --> 00:40:04,569
[laughter]
831
00:40:05,153 --> 00:40:06,905
" You'll be fine, You will be fine. "
832
00:40:10,074 --> 00:40:12,911
Tapi, sekarang, aku sudah tua sekarang, kau tahu?
833
00:40:12,994 --> 00:40:14,037
I'm young.
834
00:40:14,120 --> 00:40:15,121
[laughter]
835
00:40:15,872 --> 00:40:16,915
Now I'm old.
836
00:40:17,916 --> 00:40:19,250
[breathing in]
837
00:40:19,334 --> 00:40:20,335
Yes.
838
00:40:20,418 --> 00:40:21,419
[laughter]
839
00:40:22,295 --> 00:40:23,880
I learned some things at school.
840
00:40:23,963 --> 00:40:26,341
Now that I'm old,
Things scare me, you know?
841
00:40:26,424 --> 00:40:28,134
I think it's the media who did it.
842
00:40:28,217 --> 00:40:32,055
Like, they left, "North Korea," you know?
And, I don't know, it's a little scared...
843
00:40:32,138 --> 00:40:35,767
That doesn't scare me at all,
But... it should scare you.
844
00:40:35,850 --> 00:40:37,477
But, like, are you really scared?
845
00:40:37,560 --> 00:40:40,229
Have you ever get up, go, "Ah!"
and your wife says, "what?!"
846
00:40:40,313 --> 00:40:41,314
"North Korea!"
847
00:40:41,397 --> 00:40:42,398
[laughter]
848
00:40:43,024 --> 00:40:45,735
That little and small country,
How to fuck up somewhere.
849
00:40:48,529 --> 00:40:50,281
"Aku takut, Sayang, aku takut."
850
00:40:52,367 --> 00:40:53,368
[chuckles]
851
00:40:53,952 --> 00:40:54,953
I'll tell you,
852
00:40:55,036 --> 00:40:58,122
Iraq didn't scare me, North Korea -
None of them scared me.
853
00:40:58,206 --> 00:41:02,835
There is only one country, really,
It scares me all over the country.
854
00:41:02,919 --> 00:41:04,045
Or overall...
855
00:41:04,128 --> 00:41:07,340
What you call is greater than
a country but less than a galaxy?
856
00:41:07,423 --> 00:41:08,424
[laughter]
857
00:41:09,217 --> 00:41:10,218
Earth.
858
00:41:11,135 --> 00:41:13,680
The whole earth, there is only one country
which scares me -
859
00:41:13,763 --> 00:41:15,264
That's the country of Germany.
860
00:41:15,807 --> 00:41:18,768
I don't know whether you
are history students or not, but...
861
00:41:18,851 --> 00:41:19,852
[laughter]
862
00:41:23,398 --> 00:41:24,816
... for those of you who don't,
863
00:41:24,899 --> 00:41:26,567
Germany,
864
00:41:26,651 --> 00:41:29,946
in the previous century -
at the beginning...
865
00:41:30,655 --> 00:41:32,782
they decided to go to war.
866
00:41:32,865 --> 00:41:34,909
And who did they choose to go to war?
867
00:41:34,993 --> 00:41:36,327
World.
868
00:41:36,411 --> 00:41:37,412
[laughter]
869
00:41:42,083 --> 00:41:44,210
So you think
It will take about five seconds
870
00:41:44,293 --> 00:41:46,796
and the world will win,
and that will happen.
871
00:41:46,879 --> 00:41:47,880
[laughter]
872
00:41:47,964 --> 00:41:49,507
But it's actually close.
873
00:41:49,590 --> 00:41:50,591
Then...
874
00:41:51,300 --> 00:41:53,052
I don't know how it works, but...
875
00:41:54,762 --> 00:41:57,557
Then 30 years passed,
876
00:41:57,640 --> 00:42:00,018
and Germany decided to go to war again.
877
00:42:00,101 --> 00:42:02,562
And once again,
they chose as their enemy...
878
00:42:04,397 --> 00:42:05,356
World!
879
00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:06,441
And now...
880
00:42:07,316 --> 00:42:09,569
This time, they really almost won.
881
00:42:09,652 --> 00:42:10,903
[laughter]
882
00:42:10,987 --> 00:42:13,072
So at this point
you would think the world would go away,
883
00:42:13,156 --> 00:42:16,200
"Germany, you're not a country
anymore, okay?"
884
00:42:16,284 --> 00:42:17,285
[laughter]
885
00:42:17,368 --> 00:42:18,369
"What is this?"
886
00:42:21,039 --> 00:42:24,667
"You're not a country because you saved it
went to war with the world,
887
00:42:24,751 --> 00:42:26,878
and... no one doesn't...
888
00:42:26,961 --> 00:42:28,671
Do you think Mars? "
889
00:42:28,755 --> 00:42:29,756
[laughter]
890
00:42:31,090 --> 00:42:33,051
" Do you think Mars or what? "
891
00:42:33,134 --> 00:42:34,135
[laughter]
892
00:42:38,139 --> 00:42:39,140
[chuckles]
893
00:42:40,433 --> 00:42:42,226
But it's fun to grow old, you know?
894
00:42:44,353 --> 00:42:46,314
You start watching old things.
895
00:42:47,648 --> 00:42:51,069
Do you know that ad
is it headed for parents?
896
00:42:51,152 --> 00:42:54,322
I watch, for example, on MeTV,
I'm watching uh...
897
00:42:54,405 --> 00:42:56,908
Six Million Dollar Man, right?
898
00:42:56,991 --> 00:43:00,870
And he's in Paris, jump over
Arc de Triomphe and everything like that.
899
00:43:00,953 --> 00:43:04,957
And then, just by luck or by chance,
900
00:43:05,041 --> 00:43:06,667
they go to an ad,
901
00:43:06,751 --> 00:43:10,922
and that is the
ad starring Lee Majors,
902
00:43:11,005 --> 00:43:12,715
Six Million Dollar Man,
903
00:43:12,799 --> 00:43:15,510
But like now, it's like a parent.
904
00:43:16,385 --> 00:43:19,680
So he jumped over...
And that's for bionic ears.
905
00:43:19,764 --> 00:43:21,057
[laughter]
906
00:43:22,266 --> 00:43:24,727
And that's not the actual bionic ear
from the show,
907
00:43:24,811 --> 00:43:26,395
that is a bad hearing aid.
908
00:43:26,479 --> 00:43:27,480
[laughter]
909
00:43:29,023 --> 00:43:32,568
So you see it jumping
Arc de Triomphe,
910
00:43:32,652 --> 00:43:34,821
and then cut,
and he is in the studio, like,
911
00:43:34,904 --> 00:43:36,531
"I can't hear too well from..."
912
00:43:36,614 --> 00:43:37,615
[laughter]
913
00:43:38,866 --> 00:43:40,201
"This one is not good at all.
914
00:43:40,284 --> 00:43:41,536
This one is fine."
915
00:43:41,619 --> 00:43:42,620
[laughter]
916
00:43:43,955 --> 00:43:46,582
"This one may also not be the ear "
917
00:43:46,666 --> 00:43:47,917
[laughter]
918
00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:49,252
And you go," Damn it. "
919
00:43:49,335 --> 00:43:52,255
You can't help but feel sorry for
for men like that
920
00:43:52,755 --> 00:43:57,426
Because you know, at one time, he got it
phone call from his agent, you know?
921
00:43:57,510 --> 00:43:59,929
And he might have
all kinds of hopes, you know?
922
00:44:00,012 --> 00:44:04,225
He replied, "Hey, Jerome, my Lord!
I've never heard from you in 30 years. "
923
00:44:04,308 --> 00:44:05,393
[chuckles]
924
00:44:05,476 --> 00:44:07,728
" Is there something for me?
Okay, I guess.
925
00:44:07,812 --> 00:44:09,647
I'm sure I know what that is.
926
00:44:09,730 --> 00:44:11,190
That film is what I wrote:
927
00:44:11,274 --> 00:44:14,193
Return of
Six Million Dollar Man...
928
00:44:15,027 --> 00:44:17,196
starring Ben Stiller.
929
00:44:17,280 --> 00:44:20,491
Then I appeared < br /> As a judge for two minutes. "
930
00:44:20,575 --> 00:44:21,868
[laughter]
931
00:44:21,951 --> 00:44:22,952
" What is that? "
932
00:44:23,619 --> 00:44:25,663
" No, what is that? "
933
00:44:26,414 --> 00:44:27,456
"This is...
934
00:44:27,540 --> 00:44:29,125
No, not from this one.
No."
935
00:44:29,208 --> 00:44:30,209
[laughter]
936
00:44:32,128 --> 00:44:33,129
"Well, what... "
937
00:44:34,380 --> 00:44:35,381
" What is that? "
938
00:44:36,007 --> 00:44:37,425
" Is that a hearing aid? "
939
00:44:39,594 --> 00:44:40,761
" Good...
940
00:44:42,180 --> 00:44:44,891
how many things like that
pay others?
941
00:44:46,475 --> 00:44:47,476
[chuckles]
942
00:44:47,560 --> 00:44:49,520
"It's funny if you say that, Jerome,
943
00:44:49,604 --> 00:44:50,938
because when You say it,
944
00:44:51,022 --> 00:44:55,860
I realized that it was only one tenth
945
00:44:55,943 --> 00:44:59,655
of what I used to get
from one episode...
946
00:44:59,739 --> 00:45:01,824
No, I will continue... I won't... sorry. "
947
00:45:01,908 --> 00:45:02,909
[laughter]
948
00:45:03,826 --> 00:45:05,077
" Um...
949
00:45:05,161 --> 00:45:06,746
When should they know? "
950
00:45:07,288 --> 00:45:09,165
"Oh, in an hour, huh?"
951
00:45:10,207 --> 00:45:11,792
"Okay...
952
00:45:12,376 --> 00:45:14,921
I think, then, I would say um...
clears throat]
953
00:45:15,004 --> 00:45:16,297
yes, I'll take it
954
00:45:16,380 --> 00:45:17,381
[laughter]
955
00:45:19,884 --> 00:45:21,385
"Jerome, I have to ask you this.
956
00:45:21,469 --> 00:45:23,471
Is there a way in the contract
957
00:45:23,554 --> 00:45:26,182
that you can enter in that um...
958
00:45:27,892 --> 00:45:29,060
I'm sad? "
959
00:45:29,143 --> 00:45:30,144
[laughter]
960
00:45:34,857 --> 00:45:36,108
[laughs]]
961
00:45:52,291 --> 00:45:54,251
What about that ad... [coughing]
962
00:45:54,335 --> 00:45:56,504
where is that person
just telling you things that you already know?
963
00:45:56,587 --> 00:45:58,422
There is this one with William Devane,
964
00:45:58,506 --> 00:46:00,299
and he goes, "Do you like gold? "
965
00:46:00,383 --> 00:46:01,884
You are like," Yes, of course. "
966
00:46:01,968 --> 00:46:02,969
[laughter]
967
00:46:05,012 --> 00:46:07,682
" You have to buy a large gold
and save it in your safe. "
968
00:46:07,765 --> 00:46:10,101
You go," Okay, I hope I can do it.
That would be great. "
969
00:46:10,184 --> 00:46:11,185
[laughter]
970
00:46:12,019 --> 00:46:14,146
" You know gold always valuable? "
971
00:46:14,230 --> 00:46:16,482
" Yes, I know everything
you told me. "
972
00:46:16,565 --> 00:46:17,984
[laughter]
973
00:46:18,067 --> 00:46:20,736
" Daffy Duck told me that
When I was little.
974
00:46:20,820 --> 00:46:23,322
I know all about how precious gold is. "
975
00:46:28,536 --> 00:46:31,497
There is one that I don't understand,
but that's rather...
976
00:46:31,580 --> 00:46:33,666
This is called a "reverse mortgage."
977
00:46:33,749 --> 00:46:35,042
[laughter]
978
00:46:35,126 --> 00:46:36,877
I've never heard of any of these things.
979
00:46:37,378 --> 00:46:39,296
It has a man on it, and he goes,
980
00:46:39,380 --> 00:46:40,798
"I'm a man...
981
00:46:40,881 --> 00:46:41,882
[laughter]
982
00:46:43,009 --> 00:46:45,886
... and I want to tell you
a reverse mortgage
983
00:46:45,970 --> 00:46:49,932
You probably haven't heard of it,
But you all know what a mortgage is "
984
00:46:50,558 --> 00:46:53,769
" That's when you and your lover,
985
00:46:53,853 --> 00:46:55,771
You collect grubstake -
986
00:46:55,855 --> 00:46:57,898
You know, a little money -
987
00:46:57,982 --> 00:47:03,029
And, For God's sake, you dropped it
on a plot of land or a house, you know?
988
00:47:03,112 --> 00:47:07,783
And then, every month, you pay
what's called a mortgage, you know?
989
00:47:07,867 --> 00:47:09,952
Which is money to the bank.
990
00:47:10,036 --> 00:47:12,163
And then 20 years have passed, or 30,
991
00:47:12,246 --> 00:47:15,291
and you have a big party
with your friends.
992
00:47:15,374 --> 00:47:17,668
All your relatives and relatives come,
993
00:47:17,752 --> 00:47:19,587
and you burn a mortgage,
994
00:47:19,670 --> 00:47:20,963
and, for God's sake,
995
00:47:21,047 --> 00:47:25,426
You have a piece of American dream. "
996
00:47:26,427 --> 00:47:28,512
" However, this is really the opposite. "
997
00:47:28,596 --> 00:47:29,597
[laughter]
998
00:47:31,766 --> 00:47:32,767
" So uh...
999
00:47:34,060 --> 00:47:36,520
we will happy
to send some brochures
1000
00:47:36,604 --> 00:47:37,605
This is uh... "
1001
00:47:37,688 --> 00:47:38,689
[laughter]
1002
00:47:40,483 --> 00:47:42,943
" This is your photo without shelter. "
1003
00:47:43,027 --> 00:47:44,028
[laughter]
1004
00:47:53,454 --> 00:47:54,997
[sighs]
1005
00:47:59,126 --> 00:48:00,920
You know,
I'm trying to be a better person.
1006
00:48:01,003 --> 00:48:02,630
I'm not know whether you are religious or not.
1007
00:48:02,713 --> 00:48:04,298
I'm a little half religious, half not.
1008
00:48:04,381 --> 00:48:05,674
I tried uh...
1009
00:48:06,717 --> 00:48:08,052
obeyed the commands
1010
00:48:08,552 --> 00:48:11,889
And it's funny that some of
Commands are very easy to obey,
1011
00:48:11,972 --> 00:48:13,390
and some are very difficult.
1012
00:48:13,474 --> 00:48:16,685
You know what I'm saying?
Like, " Don't kill. "
1013
00:48:17,269 --> 00:48:20,314
Well, this is easy enough
To obey, you know?
1014
00:48:20,397 --> 00:48:23,150
But then there are others
that are very difficult to obey,
1015
00:48:23,234 --> 00:48:24,568
like someone said,
1016
00:48:24,652 --> 00:48:29,406
"Don't want your neighbor's ox."
1017
00:48:29,490 --> 00:48:30,491
[laughter]
1018
00:48:32,910 --> 00:48:33,911
Now...
1019
00:48:35,079 --> 00:48:37,998
I have this old cocky cow.
1020
00:48:38,082 --> 00:48:39,083
[laughter]
1021
00:48:43,212 --> 00:48:45,631
I bought it used -
it was my first mistake.
1022
00:48:45,714 --> 00:48:47,007
[laughter]
1023
00:48:47,091 --> 00:48:49,135
And uh... the person who sold it to me
1024
00:48:49,218 --> 00:48:52,429
didn't tell me about
all these damn diseases have happened.
1025
00:48:53,305 --> 00:48:55,015
So he's fucking wandering around .
1026
00:48:55,099 --> 00:48:57,143
He can't pull anything.
1027
00:48:59,019 --> 00:49:02,398
And he has something big on his neck,
1028
00:49:02,481 --> 00:49:04,692
like a bell, and that causes him...
1029
00:49:05,901 --> 00:49:07,987
Neck problems, so I have to let go.
1030
00:49:08,070 --> 00:49:09,071
Then...
1031
00:49:09,655 --> 00:49:12,324
Then I walked past my neighbor's house,
1032
00:49:12,408 --> 00:49:14,285
and I looked in the garage,
1033
00:49:14,368 --> 00:49:18,747
and here stood the most beautiful...
1034
00:49:22,501 --> 00:49:24,962
like, blue-gray...
1035
00:49:26,213 --> 00:49:28,591
Belgian cow...
1036
00:49:30,009 --> 00:49:32,469
I've seen.
1037
00:49:32,553 --> 00:49:35,472
And he brushed his sparkling work...
1038
00:49:38,350 --> 00:49:40,144
And I'm not supposed to covet it?
MY...
1039
00:49:40,227 --> 00:49:41,228
[laughter]
1040
00:49:46,650 --> 00:49:48,861
"Don't give a false witness "
1041
00:49:48,944 --> 00:49:50,029
That's difficult.
1042
00:49:50,112 --> 00:49:51,780
But that's good, you know, don't lie,
1043
00:49:51,864 --> 00:49:54,491
But this is very, very difficult, you know,
1044
00:49:54,575 --> 00:49:57,786
don't lie,
because you want people to like you and...
1045
00:49:57,870 --> 00:49:58,913
Know what I mean
1046
00:49:59,872 --> 00:50:00,873
What you want...
1047
00:50:02,249 --> 00:50:04,376
All kinds of reasons to lie.
1048
00:50:05,711 --> 00:50:07,213
I think of a way not to lie,
1049
00:50:07,296 --> 00:50:09,548
and I will... < br /> I will share with you, if you like?
1050
00:50:10,341 --> 00:50:13,928
You can tell the truth, word for word,
1051
00:50:14,011 --> 00:50:16,513
is true, but when you do it...
1052
00:50:16,597 --> 00:50:17,514
[clears throat]
1053
00:50:17,598 --> 00:50:20,601
... You use sarcastic accents.
1054
00:50:20,684 --> 00:50:21,685
[laughter]
1055
00:50:23,312 --> 00:50:24,605
So I'll give an example.
1056
00:50:24,688 --> 00:50:28,651
Your wife goes, "Hey, I noticed at dinner
You see my little sister.
1057
00:50:28,734 --> 00:50:31,904
You... You aren't interested in
for my sister, right?"
1058
00:50:31,987 --> 00:50:33,197
And then you go,
1059
00:50:33,280 --> 00:50:35,991
"Oh, yes, I forgot to tell you,
1060
00:50:36,075 --> 00:50:38,327
I'm interested in your sister."
1061
00:50:38,410 --> 00:50:39,411
[laughter ]
1062
00:50:41,830 --> 00:50:44,250
She's like,
"Okay, Henry. Never mind."
1063
00:50:44,333 --> 00:50:45,334
[laughter]
1064
00:50:46,335 --> 00:50:49,922
You go, "No. Why? That's right.
I want to make love to him.
I..."
1065
00:50:50,005 --> 00:50:51,006
[ laughter]
1066
00:50:51,840 --> 00:50:55,678
"Hey, the only reason I'm marrying you
is to fuck your brother, isn't it?"
1067
00:50:57,012 --> 00:50:59,390
He's like,
"No, I shouldn't talk about it. "
1068
00:50:59,473 --> 00:51:02,268
" No, why don't you pick it up?
1069
00:51:02,351 --> 00:51:04,603
I mean,
You are a victim in this whole. "
1070
00:51:04,687 --> 00:51:05,688
[laughter] < "I remember the oath, I kept thinking,
1071
00:51:06,230 --> 00:51:10,651
I will seduce
1072
00:51:10,734 --> 00:51:13,946
every member of my wife's family."
1073
00:51:14,029 --> 00:51:18,033
[laughter]
1074
00:51:18,117 --> 00:51:19,118
"Regardless of gender,
1075
00:51:19,201 --> 00:51:20,911
I'll make love to them all."
1076
00:51:20,995 --> 00:51:22,997
"Then, after that,
1077
00:51:23,956 --> 00:51:25,332
I'll invite they go home
1078
00:51:25,416 --> 00:51:27,543
and burn them, kill them all. "
1079
00:51:27,626 --> 00:51:30,421
dan membakar mereka, membunuh mereka semua. "
1080
00:51:30,504 --> 00:51:31,338
[laughter]
1081
00:51:33,716 --> 00:51:37,219
"And then I'll continue
to the next city, where I will do it again."
1082
00:51:37,303 --> 00:51:38,429
[laughter]
1083
00:51:38,512 --> 00:51:41,765
It's like, "Okay, Henry.
We don't need to hear it."
1084
00:51:43,017 --> 00:51:44,893
"You don't have to be like this."
1085
00:51:46,103 --> 00:51:47,563
"Why why?"
1086
00:51:47,646 --> 00:51:49,690
[stutter]
1087
00:51:49,773 --> 00:51:50,774
[laughter]
1088
00:51:53,902 --> 00:51:56,864
"You're a good person in this scenario."
1089
00:51:58,991 --> 00:52:03,162
"I'm the person
who goes from city to city...
1090
00:52:04,371 --> 00:52:07,416
damn and kill the whole family...
1091
00:52:07,499 --> 00:52:08,667
[laughter]
1092
00:52:08,751 --> 00:52:13,672
... and leave conflagrations from abu
that used to be is a human. "
1093
00:52:16,717 --> 00:52:20,679
" I am the most savage
1094
00:52:20,763 --> 00:52:24,391
and the productive serial killer
that has ever existed...
1095
00:52:25,392 --> 00:52:27,436
and I have never been found,
1096
00:52:27,519 --> 00:52:28,604
that's all. "
1097
00:52:28,687 --> 00:52:29,688
[laughter]
1098
00:52:31,106 --> 00:52:33,108
" Get some sleep. "
1099
00:52:34,860 --> 00:52:36,236
"Yeah, I'll go to bed,
1100
00:52:36,320 --> 00:52:39,031
or maybe I'll buy kerosene all night long."
1101
00:52:39,114 --> 00:52:40,115
[laughter]
1102
00:52:44,953 --> 00:52:46,455
So, that's just an example.
1103
00:52:46,538 --> 00:52:48,082
You don't need to do that.
1104
00:52:48,165 --> 00:52:49,166
[laughter]
1105
00:52:50,209 --> 00:52:51,210
I'm just...
1106
00:52:51,794 --> 00:52:53,212
I'm just saying, that's
1107
00:52:54,838 --> 00:52:57,341
But, listen, there's something important
happening in the world,
1108
00:52:57,424 --> 00:52:58,967
Rain in the forest.
1109
00:52:59,051 --> 00:53:00,094
[laughter]
1110
00:53:01,762 --> 00:53:03,806
I don't want to get it
too political with you,
1111
00:53:03,889 --> 00:53:06,016
But that's the real fact.
1112
00:53:11,397 --> 00:53:12,398
Now I know...
1113
00:53:12,481 --> 00:53:15,651
You know, I know uh... science,
1114
00:53:15,734 --> 00:53:21,156
and I won't be surprised at all if,
Like, ten years from now, scientists go,
1115
00:53:21,240 --> 00:53:24,868
"Damn, good if we burn out
that beautiful rainforest. "
1116
00:53:24,952 --> 00:53:25,953
[laughter]
1117
00:53:26,912 --> 00:53:30,374
"It turns out that that's where all
spiders and snakes live and are dirty."
1118
00:53:30,457 --> 00:53:31,458
[laughter]
1119
00:53:33,419 --> 00:53:36,797
"That which started the snake was flu
that almost gets everyone out. "
1120
00:53:39,967 --> 00:53:41,635
[chuckles] Nobody knows anything.
1121
00:53:47,391 --> 00:53:49,935
But you know,
You should arrange cans,
1122
00:53:50,018 --> 00:53:52,020
and I think that's a good thing, you know?
1123
00:53:52,771 --> 00:53:55,482
You have an orange
Then it's green, it's blue.
1124
00:53:55,566 --> 00:53:58,861
You destroy the can, and then you
/> put it... And you have to do that.
1125
00:53:58,944 --> 00:54:00,571
I didn't do it, but you...
1126
00:54:00,654 --> 00:54:01,655
[laughter]
1127
00:54:02,698 --> 00:54:05,576
... must do it,
because it's important, you know?
1128
00:54:06,076 --> 00:54:08,912
It's always supposed to be
for people from the future
1129
00:54:08,996 --> 00:54:11,039
That's how they try to cheat you,
do you know?
1130
00:54:11,123 --> 00:54:14,042
They always go away,
"Children are the future,"
1131
00:54:14,126 --> 00:54:18,005
which is correct,
but they say that when I was little.
1132
00:54:19,423 --> 00:54:22,634
Then I grew up.
I was like, "It's me!"
They're like, "Now the other kids."
1133
00:54:22,718 --> 00:54:24,136
I go, "You're a bastard."
1134
00:54:24,219 --> 00:54:25,053
[laughter]
1135
00:54:25,137 --> 00:54:27,431
"I have a hunch
There's something here."
1136
00:54:29,725 --> 00:54:32,311
"I know the Ponzi scheme when I see it."
1137
00:54:32,394 --> 00:54:33,395
[laughter]
1138
00:54:37,065 --> 00:54:39,026
"And now the other kids."
1139
00:54:39,109 --> 00:54:41,111
[cheering and clapping
1140
00:54:47,576 --> 00:54:50,245
Listen, all this is incredible
1141
00:54:51,413 --> 00:54:52,831
But I will tell you this
1142
00:54:53,540 --> 00:54:56,168
Nothing I say, really,
is substance
1143
00:54:56,251 --> 00:54:57,461
I-I found...
1144
00:54:57,544 --> 00:54:58,545
[laughter]
1145
00:55:00,506 --> 00:55:02,090
And it's not just me.
1146
00:55:02,174 --> 00:55:03,175
I found...
1147
00:55:03,884 --> 00:55:07,054
Like, most of my actions are fair,
1148
00:55:07,137 --> 00:55:08,138
you know...
1149
00:55:08,222 --> 00:55:09,223
uh...
1150
00:55:09,306 --> 00:55:11,850
gossip and... and trickery.
1151
00:55:11,934 --> 00:55:12,935
[laughter]
1152
00:55:13,644 --> 00:55:16,605
Do you know what I mean?
Like a cheap magician, you know?
1154
00:55:22,110 --> 00:55:23,862
and that's something we all know.
1155
00:55:23,946 --> 00:55:25,322
Everyone knows that,
1156
00:55:25,405 --> 00:55:27,950
But it's harder to act on it, that.
1157
00:55:28,033 --> 00:55:31,703
But the only thing that is right
1158
00:55:31,787 --> 00:55:33,413
Is that...
1159
00:55:33,956 --> 00:55:38,126
we all have to love each other.
1160
00:55:38,210 --> 00:55:39,503
[cheering and applause]
1161
00:55:41,255 --> 00:55:43,715
And this is very difficult, you know?
1162
00:55:43,799 --> 00:55:45,425
This is very, very difficult.
1163
00:55:46,593 --> 00:55:47,803
Hey, how about this?
1164
00:55:47,886 --> 00:55:49,846
A dog loves people.
1165
00:55:49,930 --> 00:55:53,559
Like, you think it's hard to love people -
a dog loves everyone
1166
00:55:53,642 --> 00:55:54,977
Like, a dog...
1167
00:55:55,852 --> 00:55:58,063
Like, my dog, right,
1168
00:55:58,146 --> 00:55:59,481
I've never seen it like that...
1169
00:55:59,565 --> 00:56:00,566
There's no rating
1170
00:56:00,649 --> 00:56:02,776
Like, my dog, who is he do only love me.
1171
00:56:02,859 --> 00:56:03,860
When I wake up...
1172
00:56:03,944 --> 00:56:05,445
I think he saw me sleeping,
1173
00:56:05,529 --> 00:56:07,531
Because when I wake up, he is there,
1174
00:56:07,614 --> 00:56:08,991
and he's like, "I love you!"
1175
00:56:09,074 --> 00:56:11,243
He jumps up.
He licks my face.
1176
00:56:11,326 --> 00:56:13,996
"I love you more than anything!
You the greatest! "
1177
00:56:14,079 --> 00:56:16,623
I went," thank you
You are cool too
I love you. "
1178
00:56:16,707 --> 00:56:19,167
" I love you more than anything! "
"I love you too."
1179
00:56:19,251 --> 00:56:21,169
"Remember yesterday
When you threw that bone
1180
00:56:21,253 --> 00:56:22,754
and it turned out that it was a rubber bone?"
1181
00:56:22,838 --> 00:56:25,674
"Yes , that's a joke.
I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. "
1182
00:56:25,757 --> 00:56:28,677
"No, I'm not!
I'm laughing.
That's funny."
1183
00:56:29,261 --> 00:56:31,888
"Oh, you love me so much, and I love you.
1184
00:56:31,972 --> 00:56:33,348
This is the most beautiful thing.
1185
00:56:33,432 --> 00:56:35,767
I'll just kiss you
and kiss you forever. "
1186
00:56:35,851 --> 00:56:38,562
I go," Yes, you can do that. "
" I just will continue to kiss you. "
1187
00:56:38,645 --> 00:56:40,856
Then I went," Alright,
Get away from me, okay?! "
1188
00:56:40,939 --> 00:56:42,232
[laughter]
1189
00:56:42,316 --> 00:56:43,942
" Leave me yourself, isn't it? "
1190
00:56:46,278 --> 00:56:49,406
" I have to write nonsense
to be a magic telephone and so on.
1191
00:56:49,489 --> 00:56:51,199
I don't have time for this...
1192
00:56:51,825 --> 00:56:53,619
damn dog stuff. "
1193
00:56:57,247 --> 00:56:58,957
Then my dog goes," You're right. "
1194
00:56:59,041 --> 00:57:00,042
[laughter]
1195
00:57:02,919 --> 00:57:04,504
" I found... You know, I love you,
1196
00:57:04,588 --> 00:57:07,758
but I... I'm just pressing too hard. "
1197
00:57:07,841 --> 00:57:08,842
[laughter]
1198
00:57:10,177 --> 00:57:12,012
"I push and I push and I push,
1199
00:57:12,095 --> 00:57:13,597
and I push you away."
1200
00:57:16,642 --> 00:57:17,976
"I'm not good."
1202
00:57:20,604 --> 00:57:21,605
[laughter]
1203
00:57:26,234 --> 00:57:27,319
"But what did you say...
1204
00:57:28,195 --> 00:57:31,156
what did I say I just stood here
1205
00:57:31,239 --> 00:57:32,658
and looked at you...
1206
00:57:32,741 --> 00:57:33,742
[laughter]
1207
00:57:35,577 --> 00:57:37,162
... completely silent...
1208
00:57:38,038 --> 00:57:40,457
arrived, finally, you looked at me again...
1209
00:57:41,166 --> 00:57:42,250
with some look of love,
1210
00:57:42,334 --> 00:57:44,252
Then I jump and love you again? "
1211
00:57:44,336 --> 00:57:45,837
[laughter and applause]
1212
00:57:46,505 --> 00:57:49,007
And you go," Yes, that will be fine. "
1213
00:57:50,217 --> 00:57:51,301
"Do it."
1214
00:57:51,385 --> 00:57:52,386
[laughter]
1215
00:57:56,348 --> 00:57:57,849
They don't judge, dog.
1216
00:57:57,933 --> 00:58:01,937
We judge, you know?
All our love come with a warning, you know?
1217
00:58:02,020 --> 00:58:05,983
There is no such thing
as selfless love with humans.
1218
00:58:06,066 --> 00:58:08,110
But dogs, they don't care.
1219
00:58:08,193 --> 00:58:09,194
They love...
1220
00:58:09,277 --> 00:58:11,238
Hitler has a dog.
Now, you think about that.
1221
00:58:11,321 --> 00:58:12,322
[laughter]
1222
00:58:13,657 --> 00:58:15,367
I'm not a fan of Hitler.
1223
00:58:15,450 --> 00:58:16,451
[laughter]
1224
00:58:17,035 --> 00:58:18,078
I never liked it.
1225
00:58:19,663 --> 00:58:23,625
I don't like it
Before it feels cold it doesn't like it.
1226
00:58:23,709 --> 00:58:24,710
[laughter]
1227
00:58:26,878 --> 00:58:31,675
But there is a dog in history
who loves Hitler more than anyone.
1228
00:58:31,758 --> 00:58:33,593
He will wake up in the morning and leave,
1229
00:58:33,677 --> 00:58:34,761
"Where is Hitler?!"
1230
00:58:34,845 --> 00:58:35,846
You know?
1231
00:58:35,929 --> 00:58:37,139
[laughter]
1232
00:58:37,222 --> 00:58:39,266
And Göring, or someone, will leave,
1233
00:58:39,349 --> 00:58:41,643
"He's not here.
He did some bad things."
1234
00:58:41,727 --> 00:58:43,061
[laughter]
1235
00:58:43,145 --> 00:58:46,023
"Saya sudah menjelaskannya, dia habiskan
Sebagian besar waktunya melakukan hal-hal buruk.
1236
00:58:46,106 --> 00:58:47,691
You often can't see it. "
1237
00:58:47,774 --> 00:58:49,151
He said," Okay, I know.
1238
00:58:49,234 --> 00:58:52,696
I'm not trying to...
Listen, Göring, I love you, you know?
1239
00:58:52,779 --> 00:58:56,283
I like Mengele, I love everyone.
All of you are the greatest.
1240
00:58:56,366 --> 00:59:00,620
But that's only Hitler
is the biggest man who ever lived. "
1241
00:59:00,704 --> 00:59:01,705
[laughter]
1242
00:59:10,464 --> 00:59:14,384
This is why we ask
that you don't use a recording device.
1243
00:59:14,468 --> 00:59:15,719
[laughter and applause]
1244
00:59:18,972 --> 00:59:19,973
[cheering]
1245
00:59:25,520 --> 00:59:26,521
Only...
1246
00:59:26,605 --> 00:59:30,317
I don't want to be with fucking
Harvey Levin tomorrow or whatever.
1247
00:59:30,400 --> 00:59:31,401
[laughter ]
1248
00:59:32,986 --> 00:59:36,656
"Do you think Hitler is the greatest?"
And what is my damn answer?
1249
00:59:36,740 --> 00:59:38,575
I'll go, "No, it's a dog."
1250
00:59:38,658 --> 00:59:39,659
[laughter]
1251
00:59:41,161 --> 00:59:43,163
That won't work.
I'll be screwed
1252
00:59:43,246 --> 00:59:44,706
[laughter]
1253
00:59:48,001 --> 00:59:48,835
But...
1254
00:59:49,503 --> 00:59:54,174
I'll be unlucky if I go
to end the special talk about Hitler.
1255
00:59:54,257 --> 00:59:55,675
[laughing and cheering]
1256
00:59:55,759 --> 00:59:56,760
[applause]
1257
00:59:58,929 --> 01:00:00,972
Yes, that's what I will do -
1258
01:00:01,056 --> 01:00:02,390
end specifically...
1259
01:00:03,517 --> 01:00:07,145
I will call my special Hitler dog.
1260
01:00:07,229 --> 01:00:08,230
[laughter]