[audience laughs]
[Norm Macdonald] Then people leave, "Cursed, at least he's not a hypocrite."
[laughter]
"You have to give it to him, that's the worst part of it."
[laughter]
Alright.
I eat pork. I don't want to brag or something.
[laughter]
But now my stomach is in my stomach like we talked about.
And I realized that you... You ate at a restaurant
Unlike you eating at home, you know?
Like, at home you will never cook pork in your pan, you know,
and make it nice and hot on one side,
then turn it over, make it hot on the other side,
and then cut into it and see how it happened in the middle.
And then you go, "Man, I will love eat this delicious pork <
So hot enough to eat, I'll eat it
But while I'm waiting,
I'll eat big bread. "
[laughter]
Who will do that?
"With, like, 35 pats of butter, and I'll eat the bread."
"And that will make my appetite sharpen...
[laughter]
... for pork."
I also pay attention to different desserts nowadays. </ P>
When I was young, the waiter will come and go,
"What do you want for dessert - cherry pie or apple pie? "
And you will leave, "I will drink the cherry cake."
And that person will take me... Very simple. You know, things are simple at that time.
Now dessert - oh, my God!
The man appeared and he had a big tray on a sloping corner,
and every candy What humans know is in it.
He...
And I don't like the way he speaks,
because he doesn't talk , Like, pork crap again.
Suddenly, for dessert, He, like, all sexual tones.
You know,...
[laughter]
I mean, he was like, "Ah."
"Why do you say & ah, what's that like?" /> He's like, "Ah." </ P>
[laughter]
"Bolehkah saya menggoda Anda dengan sesuatu?"
"Stick me?"
[laughter]
"Do you like decadent stuff?"
"Well, I don't..." <
"I hope you leave a room in your stomach." "Okay, listen."
[laughter]
"Are we still talking about dessert here? What is happening?
"I don't want to finally blow you in the bathroom or something. "
[laughter]
" I don't want to finally blow the man in the bathroom. Listen...
I can be tricked just like my next colleague, and...
[laughter]
... I don't want to be in the bathroom
Hey! Wait a minute! Whoa! "
[laughter]
" Wait here, my maestro... "
"I thought we were talking about it butterscotch pudding or something."
"I don't really care about you, Captain, I'll tell you right now."
"I will continue, I am a man of my words, But I will say this."
[laughter]
"I will say this , Chief. "</ P>
" Are my words not my bond, then none of this... "
" I did it reluctantly. I don't know if you pay attention, but... "
[laughter and applause]
Sex for me is...
First of all, I'm a parent, you know?
I... I'm like uh... threescore and...
twelve, or something like that.
[ laughter]
I tried to get a "score" again.
[chuckles]
I feel that Lincoln,
When he thinks about it, he thinks it's going to go
You know what I mean ?
[laughter]
Like, his wife is like, "Why don't you say & apos; 87 & apos;?"
He's like, "Why don't you shut up?" </ P>
[laughter]
"Last time I checked, I am an orator in the family
and you that damn crazy woman. "
[laughter]
" When I say four and seven, trust me...
& apos; score & apos ; will be caught in a big time. "
But...
never did it
This is another presidential matter.
You know there is a story about George Washington,
and they said, "Oh, he cut down the cherry tree,"
When he was little.
When his parents came home they said, "Who cut down cherry trees?" </ P>
and Little George said, "That's me who cut down cherry trees. </ P>
I can't lie." </ P> < And you go, "Wow! How great the story is."
But then you think about it a little, right?
Imagine if you go home to your house right?
And you get there and go, "Hey, what what happens to the cherry tree?"
[laughter]
"Has anyone cut it or something?"
And then you go inside,
and there is your child... with an ax.
[laughter ]
So you leave, "What happened to the cherry tree?"
Jadi kamu pergi, "Apa yang terjadi dengan pohon ceri?"
and then he leaves,
"I cut down the cherry tree."
"I can't lie."
And then you go, "Alright "
" The first part of what you said, it really bothered me. "
[laughter]
" The second part afraid of the fuck coming out of me You... "
[laughter]
" You can't lie? "
" You can't afford lying? "
That would be...
That would scare me.
[laughter]
Now I live in LA. We went to a party in LA.
And I went too, but I'm not smart.
This is my problem - I have no opinion.
Do you know how people have opinions? </ P>
I have none. MY MY...
Like politics and...
So sometimes before I go to the party, I'll just turn on the TV,
and whatever that person says, I will say that.
[ laughter]
But I'm not good...
Like, when I go to parties, I don't want serious discussion.
I tried looking for someone it's at the same level.
And I'm good at it. I can...
Like, you know how they say people have gaydar - can they see other gay people?
I like that with people at the same level of my intelligence.
Like, I can see a man in the corner and leave,
"I can follow with that bastard there."
[laughter]
Then I went straight to for that character
And then we talk about Jughead comics for a few hours...
[laughter]
... and everything's fine
Sometimes people go away, "Why do you even go to this party
If you don't like it, you know, talk?"
This is why I go to parties
There is only one reason why I go to parties
The reason why I like parties, because I like those little sandwiches
where are they triangles...
[laughter]
... and they cut the brakes,
and then they small equilateral triangles ,
and they put a little toothpick.
And that, like, golden plastic...
[laughter]
.... and red plastic.
I can eat 30, 40 of them fuckers.
And you can only get it at parties.
Like... I go to the restaurant and I go,
"You have a sandwich that shaped like a triangle? "
And they go," No, all our sandwiches are shaped like sandwiches. "
I go," Oh, shit. "</ p >
Then...
I went to, like, a grocery store.
I went, "Yes, where... what aisle? What is a sandwich with toothpicks? "
They went," We don't have anyone. "
" Have you tried a party? "
I left," I try not...
[laughter]
... go to those things. "
But I don't drink, so I'm not good at partying for that reason.
And drugs, I didn't do it. Usually.
When I was a kid, young, I would do anything, you know?
LSD, that's the strongest drug I did it - acid.
I don't know if you've ever done acid, but...
When I was young, they would tell me,
"You have to be careful That acid, because you can do it,
and then you have a flashback.
Like, ten years can pass, 20 years can pass,
and then you get a flashback. "
So I thought," Okay, it seems like that Good, "You know?
[laughter ]
I went to my drug agent Frank.
I said, "Frank...
is there a drug on the market where am I pay you $ 5...
I took medicine, I became tall,
and then, 20 years later, I'm tall again? "
[laughter]
He said yes
And I consider myself to be someone Who is good at stretching drug money? </ p >
[laughter]
But basically everything
is for me to tell you young people...
that it's not... That's not true at all, you know?
Because I haven't done LSD since I was a teenager
Ten years have passed, 20 years have been passed.
Unfortunately, 30 years have passed.
[laughter]
And still...
there is no flash--
How come it turns out.
MY...
[laughter]
Only more horses by big acid companies if you ask me.
I don't want...
I don't want to be too political, but....
[laughter]
... if you think big acid...
cares about you, little one...
[laughter]
They care about their third-quarter profits.
That's what they care about.
[laughter]
[chuckles]
You know, my friend is a vegetarian.
And have you ever been wrong,
and you suddenly realize, /> You know, like...
Because of him... all his arguments true about vegetarianism
He will go, like, "How are you can kill an animal?
when can you get the same from the field grass?
That doesn't make sense. "
And then I go," I like pork. "
[laughter]
I see...
Of course, he's right...
and I'm wrong
And that's strange If you realize you're wrong
about everything you have ever believed - about vegetarianism, not everything.
Imagine if you wake up and you realize you are wrong about everything
You are new just wake up and you leave,
"Damn, I'm wrong every thing I've ever believed. "
[chuckles]
[laughter]
Then it's time to go down to the rope shop in my opinion, because...
[laughter]
... it won't get better, you know?
Go to the rope shop - that's my suggestion for you...
and get a big rope about this...
then go to the shit shop.
[laughter]
And, listen, that's it's no coincidence
it's a rope shop and a mess shop
is always right next to each other right?
[laughter]
I don't want politics or something like that, but...
[laughter]
When people commit suicide, no one ever understand Do you know what I mean?
People commit suicide and people leave, "I don't understand why,"
and I leave, "You don't ? "
[laughter]
" What, did you stay at the cotton candy house? or something? What is this? "</ p >
[laughter]
"You don't know about life?"
"How does it just disappoint and...
get worse, until it ends in a disaster?"
[laughter]
"What is this?" </ P>
[laughter]
There are two reasons People will hang themselves from the neck. </ P>
One of them is, like what we say,
to avoid this worthless disguise from our lives pretending we have.
[laughter]
And the second reason we hang ourselves from the neck is to whack.
These people...
[laughter]
... I don't understand .
This is called autoerotic fixation.
This is a big and fancy word, but it's a dirty thing.
[laughter]
And this is my problem with that.
Risk-reward...
[laughter]
... not good.
And I know about the rewards because I read it.
Apparently, by cutting oxygen, or something like that,
You increase your orgasm
until that one and a half times stronger
like you have the previous Thursday. </ p >
[laughter]
Is that really important?
I mean, We have a lot of things in this country.
You know, rain in the forest.
There's a lot of nonsense we have to think about... let alone get fired.
That's our big problem?
But the risk is - God!
[laughter]
People always wonder, "What happens after you die?"
Nobody know, you know?
People pretend to know,
but no one knows what happened after you die
But I know what happened to you right after you die
I know what happens right after you die
you found.
[laughter]
And this is where it gets complicated.
[laughter]
And it's always by loved ones.
You know?
And you don't want your child to enter, "Ah, what the hell?"
"How are you, Dad? What... Huh?"
[laughter]
And so You will be remembered forever, you know
No problem what else do you achieve in life
Look, people are under misunderstanding </ p >
that their lives are like a film that will be remembered like that,
but no.
It's just a photo, you know?
A photo is still,
and that's unfortunately how.
But, you know, like, </ p >
if you think your child will remember you as,
"I remember my father taking me to Disneyland in the heat,
Dan , for heaven's sake, he's lining up to get Mickey Mouse's signature.
It took two hours.
[laughter]
"It's a child unemployed college. "
" But he still lives for me. "
" Father. "
" He has two jobs.
You know, to put food on my plate,
"Two jobs.
And I remember one time - I will never forget it - </ p >
He came home late at night and I was in bed.
I pretended to be asleep, but I didn't.
my um... forehead and my nose bridge.
& apos; I love you son , & apos;
then he goes.
The next day, I want to say it Something to him at the breakfast table,
but he is out, < br /> he is driving back
That is his second job. "
" But, my God, my father... "
After all, they don't remember at all. All they remember is...
"Ah!" </ P>
You know? Because...
[laughter and applause]
Unfortunately, That's how human way.
[laughter]
[cough]
[sighs]
I think if I do it - and I don't think I'll ever...
But you never know.
You can't predict the future.
I can wake up one day and leave,
"I want one of them to orgasm
that's uh....
more than two times stronger than... "
[laughter]
[chuckles]
" I know advanced math degrees sometimes it will be very useful,
I don't know when. "</ P>
This is what I will do if that ever happened to me
I will disguise it so it seems like real suicide,
Because at that time, when I was found,
My son didn't want to go, "Ah!"
he will go, "Oh, Oh, mysterious."
[laughter]
"The father of the mysterious man."
[ chuckle]
"This will happen A very cool story for me right now."
So I will pretend, you know, that it is... it is real suicide.
Like, I will write a note - a note kill yourself
Do you think this is funny, Just like a practical joke,
If you only write suicide notes and only blame a few random people?
Do you think it will be...
Do you know what I mean?
[laughter and applause]
You know, like, your barber or something like that, you know?
[laughter]
You go, "It's all Ralph Abernathy's fault!"
[laughter]
Because you know the police
will be forced to go to Abernathy's barber shop...
and go, "Have you ever heard of a friend, Norm Macdonald's name?"
The man said, "Yes, he will enter every few months for trim. "
" Oh well, yes, He took his life because of you. "
[laughter]
" He wrote it here in a letter this. Do you want to save...? "
Then Ralph Abernethy has to spend it the rest of his life goes on...
[laughter] </ p >
Life is quite heavy without having to walk...
That's not a good practical joke.
I should never... Frame it as a good practical joke,
because it might be the worst practical joke...
[laughter]
You know?
This is the kind of practical joke he got you were raped by the devil for this long.
[laughter]
I came here from Las Vegas, Nevada,
and when I'm in the air...
Uh...
Where are the planes flying? Airports.
[ laughter]
I was at the airport, and people asked me for my ID,
and that occurred to me That ID is a strange abbreviation,
because "I" is short for "I,"
and then "D"...
stands for "dentification," so... .
[laughter]
... it seems to me "D" is doing most...
working hard on one
But Vegas is cool.
They have a motto in Vegas.
They got their own slogan for the city.
He said: "What happened in Vegas remained in Vegas."
That's not true.
You know, you can't kill a man and then just leave, you know?
They will follow you, they will find you,
they will take you back, and they will do it try you in front of the jury of your colleagues.
[laughter]
So I thought, well, what that means, anyways, you know
And I pondered it,
day and night and night.
[laughter]
No sleep for weeks not sleeping anymore.
And finally, it occurred to me.
That's very simple.
That's right in front of my face all the time
"Whatever happens in Vegas lives in Vegas,"
all that really means can you go to Vegas,
you can have sex with a prostitute...
[laughter]
... and he won't tell your wife
[laughter]
They are very careful,
Las Vegas prostitutes.
You know?
Not like this gossip,
city prostitutes little back where you live, you know
These fucking blabbermouths.
[laughter]
Get off at the beauty salon with things pale blue above their heads,
whatever it is.
[laughter]
"Oh, you are Marge Majerson?
You are a wife Neil
Alright, for God's sake! "</ P>
" I sucked at him last night...
[laughter]
... in return for cash. "
" Good friend. "
[laughter]
My favorite thing is the magic cellphone we all have.
You know,
Not long ago, cellphones weren't magic.
They were just used to calling people.
And uh... they can't take pictures.
You know?
If you want to take pictures - this is just, like, 20 years ago -
You have to use... < br /> You can't use the telephone.
I remember I tried.
"Alright, just keep going there..."
[laughter]
People go, "What are you doing?" "Don't worry, this..."
I'm a little ahead of my time, but they think...
[laughter]
No, you have to use the camera,
and then you will insert the film into the camera,
and then you will go to Fotomat.
That very beautiful.
And you will give it to this old man,
and he will go behind some beads and items, you know
[laughter]
And then you go, "When will I see their picture?" He goes, "I don't know."
And then you leave...
"I'll call you every few weeks. How is that?"
[laughter]
And then, one day, You heard that your picture was ready.
So you brought your whole family, and all of you appeared,
and you got the envelope.
That's very beautiful.
And you unsealed it, you know,
and then there are pictures - a handful.
Like, you will go, "Hey, look at this.
This is a picture of Aunt Ida,
But her eyes are red like a demon. "
[laughter]
" Maybe Bibi Ida is a devil. "
[laughter]
" Hey, look at this!
This is a picture of my dog,
But I put a hat and a glass on it so it will look like someone. "
" Still looks like a little dog. "
[laughter]
" Hey, look, that's your picture! </ P>
But look at your jacket and hair! </ P>
Ha! "</ P>
[laughter]
" Here's how first... Ha! "
" Remember that hair? "
So you need time for that image to make sense or have any resonance.
Right now, you go,
"Hey, would you like to see the picture?
from you standing right where you are one second ago? "
[laughter]
" I have one here. "
"Your hair is identical."
[laughter]
"I think so, huh?"
[laughter]
In the past,
they will take pictures like...
In my house there are pictures from my great grandfather,
and I only have it, you know?
At that time, they only have one picture of everyone,
because they will pull it away, and that will explode and all that nonsense.
[laughter]
And that's just me...
Nobody is happy...
because it took a long time to take your picture
So only my great grandfather is like...
[laughter]
"How long will it take, sir?"
"Who will feed them pork?"
[laughter] </ p >
"That definitely won't be Marjorie, I'll say that."
[laughter]
Do you know what else I like about the magic phone? Wikipedia.
Oh, have you ever used it? That's the best, man.
That makes democracy not smart.
Everyone is the same now, you know?
Previously A man will go to school five, six years
and then he will talk to me, and I will be like, "Uh..."
But now...
[laughter]
Now everything is different...
because I have my magic phone in my pocket
So a man will say to me - he will go, "Hey, Norm,
Have you heard of a friend That happened with the name Claude Monet?"
[laughter ]
And I went, "Why, of course I have.
I have to go to the bathroom."
[laughter]
Then I go to the bathroom,
and I'm there 20-25 minutes, and I'm back
[laughter]
I'm go, "Hey, listen, I just got uh...
We talked about Claude Monet, and I just want to say it
That, you know, what I like it is the painting.
[laughter]
"I like the way he painted.
He is a painter,
and I like how he uses the paint to make paintings."
[laughter]
Then the man left, "Damn, Norma!"
"I have never been able to to arrest you in two years." </ p >
[mumbles]
[laughter]
[sighs]
But I look at me... Because I like to learn on my Wikipedia.
And I see, because I wonder about fame, fame,
because it has changed a lot, you know?
And when I was young it was one thing,
and now everything is different.
And uh I wonder how many people have reached the moon -
Like, it's actually running on the moon.
So I saw my magic phone and I know.
Only 14 - 13 or 14 - in all world history.
You would think That will make you very, very famous.
But no.
[laughter]
The last person to walk... </ p >
Now, you think he will be famous for being the last person on the moon.
His name is Harrison Schmitt.
Now, who heard about him?
[laughter]
Meanwhile, he went all the way to the moon,
hangs around there for a while and back
He's not famous,
But a girl with a famous giant donkey.
[laughter and applause]
Now, when I was young,
A man who went to the famous moon,
and a woman with a giant donkey, you will leave,
"Can you stand there? Because of this..."
[laughter]
Harrison Schmitt.
So how many people went to the moon do we know?
There... We know the first.
There is Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin.
They went on Apollo 11 - Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin.
And the third one is hard to remember. His name is Michael Collins. </ P>
And Michael Collins,
in one...
only the most unfair joke -
I don't know what it is -
he has to go all the way to the moon but doesn't go on the moon. </ P>
[laughter]
[chuckles ]
All the way to the moon,
and then, the little rope ladder,
he is not allowed to go down.
[laughter]
He must stay in the capsule of the month...
while Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong go on the moon
Michael Collins just look out the window, go...
"Are they bastards playing golf?!"
[laughter and applause]
"My God! They play golf!"
"Wait a minute, they... they have a dune buggy now!"
[laughter]
"I was only allowed to bring so many and they brought dune buggies.
This is..."
[grumbles] "I have to follow A nice face, I guess."
[laughter]
Then Buzz and Neil, I'm sure they Good people,
they don't want to hurt Michael Collins, you know?
So they might come back, you know, to the lunar capsule, you know,
and Michael Collins like, "What do you think, guys like what's that month? "
And they're like," Ah. "
[laughter]
" It's okay If you like things like that, I guess. "
[laughter]
" I prefer the lunar capsules themselves, I... "
[laughter] </ p >
"I can't talk to Buzz, but...
I really like the lunar capsule."
[chuckles]
Because that's what you do. You know, most of your life is mediocre.
I decided to write a book right? So, it's a book about my life. </ p >
They said, "Just write your life," so I said...
[cheering]
Oh thank you. Yes. Yes.
It turns out that the biggest comic novel ever written,
but when it starts It should be a memoir, you know?
A... An autobiography.
So that makes you think, < br /> "Well, what is my life?"
So I started thinking about it, right?
So I said, "Okay, I wake up in the morning,
and I eat Count Chocula. "
[laughter]
And then I watch Sports Center while I digest Count Chocula,
and I call my friend Fat Freddie.
And I go, "Hey.
You want to eat a cheese sandwich or about three o'clock?
I... I have to wait for for my Count Chocula to digest,
but how do you handle it? "
He said," Yeah, good, " so I went with him.
And on the way, I got some groceries to take home later,
and uh... and then, of course, there's dinner, you know
So most of my life
is searching and consuming food.
[laughter]
So it doesn't make amazing reading.
[laughter]
[chuckles]
This is very repetitive.
[chuckles]
When you are writing, you learn a lot.
I go to a man who is a great writer.
He tells about many things I don't know.
Metaphor - have you ever heard of them?
[laughter]
He said, "You must use a metaphor." I am like, "What is that?"
He is like, "That's all.
So, that metaphor like,
& apos; you can lead a horse to water,
but you can't make it drink. & apos; "
I'm like," What do you mean? "
So he's like,
" That means you can take someone, you know,
and you can give them all information and everything,
But he still has to be the person to absorb it himself. "
So I'm like," Okay, why fuck aren't you just say that? Like what... "
[laughter]
" Why do you have to put a horse in it? What do you like... "
[laughter]
"You think I'm so stupid that you need to make it into some fairy tale? What is it like..."
"Horse?"
"Or sometimes the part of metaphor is true,
But the literal part is not true. </ P>
They will go, like, & apos; What is not killing you makes you stronger, right?
Now, metaphorically, that's true,
like maybe a woman Broke your heart, you know, </ p >
or life is misleading your bad hands.
And then next time you are ready for that
and uh... and that at all don't hurt you. "
" But, literally, that's not true at all.
Literally that, & apos; What's not killing you makes you weak </ p >
[laughter]
... and maybe it will kill you next time it appears. "
That's why I like it - personally -
I like the metaphor that's true and the literal part is true.
Like.... they say, like, "Beauty is only skin deep." </ P>
I think it's beautiful, because that's the way it is. </ P>
Like, you know, really,
what makes someone interesting what's inside -
their friendship, their friendliness, their good intentions,
isn't this.... optical tricks, you know?
And so it is, But also, literally that's true,
because you can the most handsome man in the world , you know?
You can have, like, this chiseled jaw
and beautiful, Thick hair, you know?
His shoulders are big and his waist is narrow.
Are you horny
[laughter]
Is it just me, or...?
Giant thighs, perfect body.
Six percent body fat, you know?
But you take the same person
and you skin him. < /p>
[tawa]
Tiba-iba...
He is not so easy on the eyes.
[laughter]
[moans]
I'm old, you know?
I asked my doctor... It's interesting, because I was wondering...
You know, I know the first two causes of death -
heart disease and cancer,
neck and neck, you know, to kill you
So I said to the doctor, "What's wrong? The third most common cause of death?
What is the third?"
And he said, "Complications."
[laughter]
That's... It's like a fucking doctor.
Like, what is the third one?
That's the third one?
You go, "Hey, Doc, I can't help but seeing my father dead uh... </ p >
[laughter]
... and I remember yesterday You said it was a simple operation. "
And he was like, " Yeah , we think so. "
" Looks simple in this book, I will say that. "
" But uh... You cut a person man, by God, that... "
[laughter]
" All red stringed goods and everything. "
" Do Are you a doctor? " " No. "
" Ah, you will never hear it. </ P>
Terlalu rumit bagimu. "
But you're worried when you're old, you know?
You're worried, scared.
I remember my grandmother, you know,
she's like.... I thought he was like 85 at that time or something,
and I looked at him - he was sitting his chair - and I said, "Hey, Grandma." </ p >
He bruised, right?
And that happened from him... from his wrist,
Along the way on his arm, right on his shoulder
Big bruises -
purple, green and yellow
[laughter]
One third of each.
And I say...
I said, "Grandma, where did you bruise?"
Then my grandmother said, "Wind."
[ laughter]
I said, "Wind?"
And he said, "Yes, do you remember? A breeze yesterday?"
[laughter]
I'm like, "Yes, I remember "
My parents are teachers,
which is a noble profession, everyone says
[chuckles]
[laughter]
They're fine guys. But do you know what's weird?
They all said, "The teacher is a true hero. "
My people - not heroic at all.
[laughter]
And, in fact,
I've never met with a teacher who shows heroism.
[laughter]
And I've known many teachers,
because I'm a student for years.
[laughter]
And I never left, "Hey, Barney, man,
I only saw Abernathy's parents,
You know, when he was removing it /> chalk on the board,
where he put the lime...
and I thought, He cut a heroic figure, didn't he? "
[laughter]
"No, me too, I don't think so, between. I just heard it somewhere."
[ chuckles]
And it's not a difficult job when you Think about it. Do you know what I mean?
Like, this is pretty good...
If you have a job where you go to work -
like Grade 3 - you go to work,
and you are 50 times bigger than all the person you work with...
[laughter]
That's a good job.
Plus, they do all the work.
[laughter]
You don't do anything.
That...
[chuckles]
What about students?
What about giving some of them "heroism"?
You know,...
five-year-olds who work for free.
[laughter]
What do you need, really , to be a teacher anyway?
What are your qualifications?
Let's say you teach third grade.
What... what do you need?
Fourth grade education.
Really, anything above that...
[laughter]
... You are overqualified, really, you know?
I don't like school.
I like it before school.
Man, do you remember that?
Before you have to go to school.
Man, that is the best time ever. I will never forget it
Those are my best days, friend.
I really love them.
I remember, like, I will go to Shawn Kay's house ,
and I will have a stick,
and that will be all day long.
[laughter]
I'll go, " Shawn, I have a stick! " He will go," God damn it! We will go play. "</ P>
[laughter]
That's very fun. </ P>
And then, one day, suddenly I was at school.
They dragged me in, and I remember there were tears and...
Aku seperti, "Apa-apaan ini?"
There are these windows that make it even...
You will look out the window
and sometimes you will see that stick, You know? </ P>
[laughs]
And you will go, "Damn it! </ P>
What are the cruelty of these people? Don't know offense? "
Right now, you know, they have ADD and things like that.
For children in the class who are like, " Hey "I want to get out!"
they left, "We will give you medicine."
[laughter]
"Then you don't want to come out... .
and run around the grass and have fun with his stick. "
[laughter]
" You'll be fine, You will be fine. "</ P>
Tapi, sekarang, aku sudah tua sekarang, kau tahu?
I'm young.
[laughter]
Now I'm old.
[breathing in]
Yes.
[laughter]
I learned some things at school.
Now that I'm old, Things scare me, you know?
I think it's the media who did it.
Like, they left, "North Korea," you know? And, I don't know, it's a little scared...
That doesn't scare me at all, But... it should scare you.
But, like, are you really scared?
Have you ever get up, go, "Ah!" and your wife says, "what?!"
"North Korea!"
[laughter]
That little and small country, How to fuck up somewhere. </ P>
"Aku takut, Sayang, aku takut."
[chuckles]
I'll tell you,
Iraq didn't scare me, North Korea - None of them scared me.
There is only one country, really, It scares me all over the country. </ P>
Or overall...
What you call is greater than a country but less than a galaxy?
[laughter]
Earth.
The whole earth, there is only one country which scares me -
That's the country of Germany.
I don't know whether you are history students or not, but...
[laughter] </ p >
... for those of you who don't,
Germany,
in the previous century - at the beginning...
they decided to go to war.
And who did they choose to go to war?
World.
[laughter]
So you think It will take about five seconds
and the world will win, and that will happen. </ p >
[laughter]
But it's actually close.
Then...
I don't know how it works, but...
Then 30 years passed,
and Germany decided to go to war again.
And once again, they chose as their enemy...
World!
And now...
This time, they really almost won.
[laughter]
So at this point you would think the world would go away,
"Germany, you're not a country anymore, okay?"
[laughter]
"What is this?"
"You're not a country because you saved it went to war with the world,
and... no one doesn't...
Do you think Mars? "
[laughter]
" Do you think Mars or what? "
[laughter]
[chuckles]
But it's fun to grow old, you know?
You start watching old things.
Do you know that ad is it headed for parents? </ p >
I watch, for example, on MeTV, I'm watching uh...
Six Million Dollar Man, right?
And he's in Paris, jump over Arc de Triomphe and everything like that.
And then, just by luck or by chance,
they go to an ad,
and that is the ad starring Lee Majors,
Six Million Dollar Man,
But like now, it's like a parent.
So he jumped over... And that's for bionic ears.
[laughter]
And that's not the actual bionic ear from the show,
that is a bad hearing aid.
[laughter]
So you see it jumping Arc de Triomphe,
and then cut, and he is in the studio, like,
"I can't hear too well from..."
[laughter]
"This one is not good at all.
This one is fine."
[laughter]
"This one may also not be the ear "
[laughter]
And you go," Damn it. "
You can't help but feel sorry for for men like that
Because you know, at one time, he got it phone call from his agent, you know?
And he might have all kinds of hopes, you know?
He replied, "Hey, Jerome, my Lord! I've never heard from you in 30 years. "
[chuckles]
" Is there something for me? Okay, I guess.
I'm sure I know what that is.
That film is what I wrote:
Return of Six Million Dollar Man...
starring Ben Stiller.
Then I appeared < br /> As a judge for two minutes. "
[laughter]
" What is that? "
" No, what is that? "
"This is...
No, not from this one. No."
[laughter]
"Well, what... "
" What is that? "
" Is that a hearing aid? "
" Good...
how many things like that pay others?
[chuckles]
"It's funny if you say that, Jerome,
because when You say it,
I realized that it was only one tenth
of what I used to get from one episode...
No, I will continue... I won't... sorry. "
[laughter]
" Um...
When should they know? "
"Oh, in an hour, huh?"
"Okay...
I think, then, I would say um... clears throat]
yes, I'll take it
[laughter]
"Jerome, I have to ask you this.
Is there a way in the contract
that you can enter in that um...
I'm sad? "
[laughter]
[laughs]]
What about that ad... [coughing]
where is that person just telling you things that you already know?
There is this one with William Devane,
and he goes, "Do you like gold? "
You are like," Yes, of course. "
[laughter]
" You have to buy a large gold and save it in your safe. "
You go," Okay, I hope I can do it. That would be great. "
[laughter]
" You know gold always valuable? "
" Yes, I know everything you told me. "
[laughter]
" Daffy Duck told me that When I was little. </ P>
I know all about how precious gold is. "
There is one that I don't understand, but that's rather...
This is called a "reverse mortgage."
[laughter]
I've never heard of any of these things. </ P>
It has a man on it, and he goes,
"I'm a man...
[laughter]
... and I want to tell you a reverse mortgage
You probably haven't heard of it, But you all know what a mortgage is "
" That's when you and your lover,
You collect grubstake -
You know, a little money -
And, For God's sake, you dropped it on a plot of land or a house, you know?
And then, every month, you pay what's called a mortgage, you know?
Which is money to the bank.
And then 20 years have passed, or 30,
and you have a big party with your friends.
All your relatives and relatives come, </ p >
and you burn a mortgage,
and, for God's sake,
You have a piece of American dream. "
" However, this is really the opposite. "
[laughter]
" So uh...
we will happy to send some brochures
This is uh... "
[laughter]
" This is your photo without shelter. "
[laughter]
[sighs]
You know, I'm trying to be a better person.
I'm not know whether you are religious or not.
I'm a little half religious, half not.
I tried uh...
obeyed the commands
And it's funny that some of Commands are very easy to obey,
and some are very difficult.
You know what I'm saying? Like, " Don't kill. "</ P>
Well, this is easy enough To obey, you know? </ P>
But then there are others that are very difficult to obey,
like someone said,
"Don't want your neighbor's ox."
[laughter]
Now...
I have this old cocky cow.
[laughter]
I bought it used - it was my first mistake.
[laughter]
And uh... the person who sold it to me
didn't tell me about all these damn diseases have happened.
So he's fucking wandering around .
He can't pull anything.
And he has something big on his neck,
like a bell, and that causes him...
Neck problems, so I have to let go.
Then...
Then I walked past my neighbor's house,
and I looked in the garage,
and here stood the most beautiful...
like, blue-gray...
Belgian cow...
I've seen.
And he brushed his sparkling work...
And I'm not supposed to covet it? MY...
[laughter]
"Don't give a false witness "
That's difficult.
But that's good, you know, don't lie,
But this is very, very difficult, you know,
don't lie, because you want people to like you and...
Know what I mean
What you want...
All kinds of reasons to lie.
I think of a way not to lie,
and I will... < br /> I will share with you, if you like?
You can tell the truth, word for word,
is true, but when you do it... </ p >
[clears throat]
... You use sarcastic accents.
[laughter]
So I'll give an example.
Your wife goes, "Hey, I noticed at dinner You see my little sister.
You... You aren't interested in for my sister, right?"
And then you go,
"Oh, yes, I forgot to tell you,
I'm interested in your sister."
[laughter ]
She's like, "Okay, Henry. Never mind."
[laughter]
You go, "No. Why? That's right. I want to make love to him. I..."
[ laughter]
"Hey, the only reason I'm marrying you is to fuck your brother, isn't it?"
He's like, "No, I shouldn't talk about it. "
" No, why don't you pick it up?
I mean, You are a victim in this whole. "
[laughter] < "I remember the oath, I kept thinking,
I will seduce
every member of my wife's family."
[laughter]
"Regardless of gender,
I'll make love to them all."
"Then, after that,
I'll invite they go home
and burn them, kill them all. "
dan membakar mereka, membunuh mereka semua. "
[laughter]
"And then I'll continue to the next city, where I will do it again."
[laughter]
It's like, "Okay, Henry. We don't need to hear it." </ P>
"You don't have to be like this." </ P>
"Why why?" </ P>
[stutter]
[laughter]
"You're a good person in this scenario."
"I'm the person who goes from city to city...
damn and kill the whole family...
[laughter]
... and leave conflagrations from abu that used to be is a human. "
" I am the most savage
and the productive serial killer that has ever existed...
and I have never been found,
that's all. "
[laughter]
" Get some sleep. "
"Yeah, I'll go to bed,
or maybe I'll buy kerosene all night long."
[laughter]
So, that's just an example.
You don't need to do that.
[laughter]
I'm just...
I'm just saying, that's
But, listen, there's something important happening in the world,
Rain in the forest.
[laughter]
I don't want to get it too political with you,
But that's the real fact.
Now I know...
You know, I know uh... science,
and I won't be surprised at all if, Like, ten years from now, scientists go,
"Damn, good if we burn out that beautiful rainforest. "
[laughter]
"It turns out that that's where all spiders and snakes live and are dirty."
[laughter]
"That which started the snake was flu that almost gets everyone out. "
[chuckles] Nobody knows anything.
But you know, You should arrange cans,
and I think that's a good thing, you know?
You have an orange Then it's green, it's blue.
You destroy the can, and then you /> put it... And you have to do that.
I didn't do it, but you...
[laughter]
... must do it, because it's important, you know?
It's always supposed to be for people from the future
That's how they try to cheat you, do you know?
They always go away, "Children are the future,"
which is correct, but they say that when I was little.
Then I grew up. I was like, "It's me!" They're like, "Now the other kids."
I go, "You're a bastard."
[laughter]
"I have a hunch There's something here."
"I know the Ponzi scheme when I see it."
[laughter]
"And now the other kids."
[cheering and clapping
Listen, all this is incredible
But I will tell you this
Nothing I say, really, is substance
I-I found...
[laughter]
And it's not just me.
I found...
Like, most of my actions are fair,
you know...
uh...
gossip and... and trickery.
[laughter]
Do you know what I mean? Like a cheap magician, you know?
and that's something we all know.
Everyone knows that,
But it's harder to act on it, that.
But the only thing that is right
Is that...
we all have to love each other. </ P>
[cheering and applause]
And this is very difficult, you know? </ P>
This is very, very difficult.
Hey, how about this?
A dog loves people.
Like, you think it's hard to love people - a dog loves everyone
Like, a dog...
Like, my dog, right,
I've never seen it like that...
There's no rating
Like, my dog, who is he do only love me.
When I wake up...
I think he saw me sleeping,
Because when I wake up, he is there, </ p >
and he's like, "I love you!"
He jumps up. He licks my face.
"I love you more than anything! You the greatest! "
I went," thank you You are cool too I love you. "
" I love you more than anything! " "I love you too." </ P>
"Remember yesterday When you threw that bone
and it turned out that it was a rubber bone?" </ P>
"Yes , that's a joke. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. "
"No, I'm not! I'm laughing. That's funny."
"Oh, you love me so much, and I love you.
This is the most beautiful thing.
I'll just kiss you and kiss you forever. "
I go," Yes, you can do that. " " I just will continue to kiss you. "
Then I went," Alright, Get away from me, okay?! "
[laughter]
" Leave me yourself, isn't it? "
" I have to write nonsense to be a magic telephone and so on.
I don't have time for this...
damn dog stuff. "
Then my dog goes," You're right. "
[laughter]
" I found... You know, I love you,
but I... I'm just pressing too hard. "
[laughter]
"I push and I push and I push,
and I push you away."
"I'm not good."
[laughter]
"But what did you say...
what did I say I just stood here
and looked at you...
[laughter]
... completely silent...
arrived, finally, you looked at me again...
with some look of love,
Then I jump and love you again? "
[laughter and applause]
And you go," Yes, that will be fine. "
"Do it."
[laughter]
They don't judge, dog.
We judge, you know? All our love come with a warning, you know?
There is no such thing as selfless love with humans.
But dogs, they don't care.
They love...
Hitler has a dog. Now, you think about that.
[laughter]
I'm not a fan of Hitler.
[laughter]
I never liked it.
I don't like it Before it feels cold it doesn't like it. </ P>
[laughter]
But there is a dog in history who loves Hitler more than anyone. </ P>
He will wake up in the morning and leave,
"Where is Hitler?!"
You know?
[laughter]
And Göring, or someone, will leave,
"He's not here. He did some bad things." </ P>
[laughter]
"Saya sudah menjelaskannya, dia habiskan Sebagian besar waktunya melakukan hal-hal buruk.
You often can't see it. "
He said," Okay, I know.
I'm not trying to... Listen, Göring, I love you, you know?
I like Mengele, I love everyone. All of you are the greatest.
But that's only Hitler is the biggest man who ever lived. "
[laughter]
This is why we ask that you don't use a recording device.
[laughter and applause] </ p >
[cheering]
Only...
I don't want to be with fucking Harvey Levin tomorrow or whatever.
[laughter ]
"Do you think Hitler is the greatest?" And what is my damn answer?
I'll go, "No, it's a dog."
[laughter]
That won't work. I'll be screwed
[laughter]
But...
I'll be unlucky if I go to end the special talk about Hitler.
[laughing and cheering]
[applause]
Yes, that's what I will do -
end specifically...
I will call my special Hitler dog.
[laughter]