Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage,
Maz Jobrani!
What's the matter, D.C?!
Oh!
Kennedy Center, how are you?
Whoo!
♪ Fight strength, fight strength ♪
♪ Lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai ♪
God. This is amazing.
I don't think Public Enemy ever thought someone will dance Persia...
for "Fighting Power."
♪ Fight against strength, ohh ♪
♪ Fight against strength ♪
♪ Lai-lai-lai-lai Ohh, oh-oh-ohh ♪
♪ Ohh, how come ♪
Whoo! Oh!
I'm happy to be here. This is a dream come true.
I wanted to shoot for a long time at Washington D.C.
for the past 20 years, since I started doing standup.
I swear to God. And that happens here. I am pleased.
I'm happy.
Very cool. And I like D.C. Very diverse.
When I start my show, I always want to see who is in the audience.
Applause, where are my immigrants?
Immigrants, with applause. Let me hear you. Yes!
My people! My people!
Immigrants.
Non-immigrants. Let me hear non-immigrants.
You've been here for generations. Yes!
Yes!
Thank you for coming, white man. Thank you.
You made it official. Thank you very much.
What's your name, white man there? What is your name?
- Ed. - Ed! Thank you, Ed.
Thank you. Ed got a license, we showed up.
This is really cool. I am an immigrant too. I was born in Iran. I grew up in America.
Where are my Iranians? Let me hear Iranians.
Yes. Yes.
Ed, I know they will be here because it's part of the nuclear agreement.
They must appear. Yes.
Thank you for coming, Iranian.
Where are my Arabs? The Arans?
Yala, habibi! Yala, yala!
By the way, white people, that's how you get Arabs.
If you are looking for Arabs, go... They volunteer.
They must.
I really can work for TSA.
I will find Arabs all day long.
I will cheat them. I will like, "Take out your liquid , computer and...
Here. Five. I get five.
I got five."
What kind of Arabic are you there? You.
- Syria. - Syria! Thank you, Syria, for coming!
Yes! Thank you! Yes!
Syria is accepted here. You are welcome. We love you.
Right.
That's how we roll over.
Thank you.
This is amazing. Are there Indians at home? Indian people?
Yes! Look at you guys.
I also love you.
I love you very much, I married one of you.
Yes! Yes!
Now, there is one billion of you, so it's possible we will marry you.
That's either them or Chinese, you know?
Every Chinese person is at home? Chinese?
Thank you, Chinese woman!
You have to improve your game. There are more Indians than you are now,
so you might want, you know...
- What's your name, Chinese woman? - Stephanie.
Stephanie. A very Chinese name.
Stephanie. Ethnic names like that.
What are the other backgrounds? Who else is here tonight?
Where?
- Pakistan! - Wait, stop.
Pakistan, don't shout like that. Make it easy to relax.
This person.
Don't you watch the news?
Pakistan. Pakistan! Aah!
Good.
- What? - Azerbaijan!
- Azerbaijan? And what are you saying? - El Salvador.
El Salvador, Azerbaijan. Together for them, right now.
Good.
Guys, Netflix is international now,
so we will continue to run until we hit every country.
Listen, the reason I ask all this is because I want to make a point.
There are many people who come from all over the world who came to America, we are immigrants, and we love America.
We come, we love America. Right?
People need to know. There are many anti-immigrant sentiments now.
People need to know that we love America.
We came here for a reason, and we contributed, by the way
We contribute to America in many ways, right?
We contribute...
with business and intellectuals, in many ways.
Even culturally, we contribute.
I will contribute to American culture now.
Are you ready? I will teach you something. This is something we do in Iran.
I want you to take it. Now you can use it.
Ed, if you've ever sung a song, and you're stuck in that song,
I will teach you how to out of the song.
If you don't know the song lyrics, you have to do...
♪ Lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai Lai-lai-lai-lai ♪
Yes. This is an Iranian thing. It gets you out of any song, Ed.
Any song. Like the song "Fight the Power." If I don't know the lyrics...
♪ Against strength Lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai ♪
"Lai-lai-lai" works! It can be any song.
Ed, you can sing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" to a child.
You are stuck. You go...
♪ Itsy bitsy spider Ride on the water spout ♪
♪ Lai-lai, lai-lai-lai Lai-lai-lai-lai-lai ♪
That's it!
"Lai-lai-lai" is a great way out of a song.
Guys, if I ever sang the national anthem in a baseball game,
You will know when I'm stuck.
I will be at a baseball game, in the Washington Nationals.
♪ O say can you see ♪
♪ Lai-lai-lai, lai-lai ♪
♪ Lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai ♪
♪ Lai-lai, lai-lai-lai Lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai ♪
♪ Lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai ♪
♪ Lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai
♪ Lai-lai-lai ♪ [ululasi]
♪ Lai-lai-lai, lai-lai ♪
♪ And home of the brave ♪
Yes! That's right!
That's how I will sing anthem.
And then I will be deported.
God.
Speaking of being deported, Trump is the president, and...
Yes I know. I still don't believe that.
Every time I see him talking,
I just waited for him to leave, "Right from New York, it's Saturday Night!"
You will be like, "Oh my God, this is the longest sketch ever.
Wow!"
God. I have to tell you, I know some of you may have chosen him.
I know that some immigrants actually chose Trump
because they want less tax, but they end up with fewer relatives.
Yes. That happened.
I will be honest. When all things ban Muslims...
people say Muslim prohibitions... they ask me, "Are you afraid?"
I go, "I am not afraid personally of the Muslim ban."
Because honest truth is I'm really not religious.
I was born in Iran, but I am not really religious.
I'm not really Muslim. I am more like a Muslim.
Do you know? This is how I am Muslim:
I can play a Muslim in a film. You will go see it, you will believe it.
You will go to the movies, You will see me on the screen.
"Allahu Akbar!"
"Oh, he's fine. Look at that. Wow."
"He speaks languages. Wow.
He...
He is fluent in Muslim.
Wow."
But the honest truth is I am not that religion.
If I am truly Muslim, I must fast during Ramadan.
I did not fast during Ramadan.
I can't drink alcohol. I drink alcohol.
I have to pray five times a day. I don't pray.
The only time I prayed is if I almost had an accident.
And then I went, "Oh, Jesus!"
Yes. Yes.
That is the wrong God! That is the wrong God!
I just say, "Oh, Jesus," because it's faster.
"Oh, Jesus!"
"Oh, Muhammad!" Too long.
Yes.
If you go, "Oh, Muhammad,"
You will get the accident, You will be in the ambulance,
on the way to the hospital... "I should go with Jesus."
Do you know what I'm saying? I only say.
I just said.
So, I'm not too worried about the Muslim ban personally,
but my cousin, Majid... is a messy person, okay?
He is a true Muslim. He prayed five times a day,
fasting during Ramadan. Like, he has to go, you know.
No, I didn't say that, Trump said. He must go.
I love him, he's a nice guy, but he has to go.
I just said, if the FBI shows up at my house
and go, "Are there Muslims?" I will be like, "Yes. Majid."
I won't lie to the FBI.
Actually, friends, that's kind of sad,
because, like I said, I am Iranian and my wife is Indian,
so our children are all colored, and...
it's very sad. When Trump won, my little girl six years old came to me.
He's scared. He left, "Father, will I be deported?"
Yes. And I said, "No, honey, . You will not be deported. You were born here. You will not be deported. But Cousin Majid must go. You may want to say goodbye."
You know, as a comedian, it's already been very difficult to compete with Trump,
because he said so much bullshit all the time.
It's been very difficult. I swear to God. Listen, I don't know if you remember...
a while ago, he did a press conference,
and I really watched. I feel sorry for him,
he held a press conference, without reason,
he decided to provide some information.
Nobody asked him. He just decided, "By the way, I just want everyone to know
that I won this election with the Electoral College voter vote since Ronald Reagan."
And reporters say, "Sir, actually,
Barack Obama has more Electoral College than you do."
He went, "Okay, alright. But I won the most Electoral College for Republicans
since Ronald Reagan."
And the reporter left, "Sir! Actually...
George Bush Sr. has more Electoral College than you do."
He went, "Fine, I win the most Electoral College selection for Republicans in this election. Can we agree with that?"
I hope that's what he will say.
What he really said was, "Well, someone told me."
Who told you?
Is there a man in the bathroom? What the hell?
Is he in the bathroom? "Hey, by the way,
You won the most Electoral College elections since..."
"Can I tell the world? I want to go tell them that."
Guys, I'm watching that. I feel sorry for him,
because I realized he was not eligible
become President of the United States.
It's just not.
He is not.
And listen, let me tell you something. Listening.
That's not for Poo-poo at him, okay? None of us qualifies...
No, this is the Kennedy Center. Two of you qualify.
But most people don't meet the requirements
become President of the United States.
This is the most important work In the world.
This is not a managerial position in Carl & rsquo; okay?
And it's the only job where people go, "Do you know what? I want outsiders. I want someone who has never done this
to go in there and try it, see what happened. "
You don't hear people like that, "I want a surgeon who is an outsider.
Someone who has never operated before.
Someone who will take my left eye and put it in my right eye. "
That's what we have as president now. There are so many countries! "
Can't you imagine that?
She's like," Wow. Malta is a country? Very? I think it's ice cream.
You mean Madagascar is not an animated film? What ?! "
The only place he seems to know is Mar-a-Lago.
Every week, Mar-a-Lago, Mar-a-Lago.
How long will he go... And he kept sending Jared Kushner,
His son-in-law, to the most dangerous places in the world.
I think he tried to get rid of it from his daughter-in-law.
I swear to God.
Every week: "You go to Iraq. I will go to Mar-a-Lago. You go to...
Yes, you don't need a vest. No bulletproof vest. Go there. I will go to Mar-a-Lago. "
This is a mess, and we have seen it, and some of it...
Listen, bro, it's like, uh... we saw it with a travel ban.
That's very bad. I have to admit, as an Iranian-American,
I am offended by a travel ban,
because the fact is, they tried to sell it to America,
said that it was for American security, to keep terrorists out of the country.
And none of those countries on the travel ban
has committed acts of terror in America.
Right?
Yes, and then they have the guts to introduce 2.0 Tire Travel.
Like an iPhone update. They are just...
I am very upset. I'm watching TV,
and Kellyanne Conway is on TV, and she's trying...
No, listen. No, of course.
Yes. Yes. How do you feel about him?
Listen, I'm watching it on TV,
and he said, "Only a little inconvenience at the airport. That's no big deal.
After September 11, when there is a further inspection at the airport,
I don't mind being investigated, my own safety. "
I want to shake it and leave, "It's not just a small inconvenience."
Because I heard the true story. As an Iranian-American,
I get a true story. There are torn families,
people who need medical attention who can't get it,
marriage canceled, all kinds of goods.
And I was very upset, I went down to Los Angeles International, LAX,
and I protested. I went down to protest. Yes! Yes!
I have to tell you, if you have not protested, you must.
This is very fun.
No, find any protest, You just go down and you line up.
That's very... I swear to God. He became president...
every weekend, I find a protest. That is good.
No, you only go there, they give you cookies. Very tasty.
And that's good practice. I have been exercising very well.
People go, "Have you done Pilates?" I went, "No, I've done Trump-ates.
Just do Trump-ates, Trump-ates, Trump-ates."
Guys, I'm excited. I went to LAX, and I marched.
We all line up, some men appear and leave,
"Bro, this is the most amazing thing In the world.
This is the greatest diversity I have ever seen in Los Angeles."
And I left, "Bro, that's because we are at the airport.
People really fly from all over the world when we talk."
She's like, "But there are Asians."
I went, "That's because AirAsia Just landed!
Do you think everyone appears in protest with luggage? What's the matter? "
There are some poor Korean men. He just tried to cross the road.
This person:" Excuse me, excuse me. Yes, excuse me.
Yes I know. Trump must go, but so do I!
I have to...
I go to Disneyland, please. "Excuse me." We were there, all lined up together,
everything became fantastic. We marched, moved forward.
And then suddenly riot police came out,
and I was like, "Oh , damn it.
I will only protest here for a while. "
But white people don't care.
They just, "Get out of my way, copper. I come. That's my right.
I come, copper. Get out of my way. That's my right."
He just walked. "This is my Third Amendment,
My Ninth Amendment." He knows the amendments!
"This is my 45th Amendment."
I am behind. "There are 45 amendments?"
I swear to God, I see a white man
with his finger on his face from riot police,
just waving his finger,
and riot police controlled his hand on his stick, ready to go.
He waved. I'm behind. I'm like, "Calm down, white man!
You will get us in trouble!"
Mexicans: "Now is the right time to go to the bathroom.
Don't fail me now!"
Guys, I'm very afraid of protest. I will tell you how scared I am.
I brought my passport to protest.
Yes. Who took their passports to protest?
Immigrants.
I will not be deported.
If the police stop me, "Officer, . I'm with you. God bless America.
God bless you.
Make America great again, Officer.
Officer, I'm with you, but my cousin, Majid... . You can have it if you want. "
my Lord. As you know, I'm a Democrat, I'm liberal,
but I have a Republican friend.
I love you no matter where you are, are you Democrats, Republicans.
If you are Republican, I love you.
Even though you do what you do, I still love you.
The night of election, I was at a party with many of my liberal friends,
and when Hillary lost, my liberal friends were destroyed.
They cry. They are destroyed.
And I was also broken, but not only because he lost,
but also because I donated $ 1,000 to his campaign.
So, when I watch him lose on TV, I'm like, "This bitch...
just lost me $ 1,000!
You mean I don't have to donate $ 1,000?"
Don't get me wrong. I am not a baller that I just donated $ 1,000 out the gate. Not.
I donated 250 because I felt that was what I could.
That is the duty of my citizens. It's finished.
But whoever you are, if you donate on both sides, you know how it works.
They sent you an e-mail one week later asks you to donate again.
So, a week later, I got an email: "Maz, thank you for 250.
But if you give us 250 more,
You will put us above. We will win this crap."
I'm really stupid. "Honey, I just got an email from Hillary Clinton.
He said 250 more, they will win it. It's on our shoulders."
I fell for that crap four times.
Who is that bastard now?
I still remember that night. Oh, my God.
I was surprised. Everyone is surprised when Hillary loses.
Trump was surprised when he won.
He doesn't expect to win.
Look at the video when he appeared on the stage when he won.
Notice how slowly he walks. He doesn't believe we chose him.
He is like, "Are you sure? They chose me?
I really don't think he wants to win.
Not me. Yes, I tell you.
I'm serious.
He's a megalomaniac billionaire a businessman who likes to tweet.
He doesn't want to win.
He tried to say more crazy and things that were crazier,
hope we won't choose it, but we choose him.
I know he wants to lose when he comes out and says
that Barack Obama is the founder of ISIS.
Remember when he said that? "Barack Obama is the founder of ISIS."
Then the next day, he continued the conservative radio program,
and the announcer tries to help him.
He went, "Sir, do you mean that Barack Obama's policy caused the creation of ISIS and therefore where are we now?"
And he said, "No.
I mean Barack Obama is the founder of ISIS."
I'm watching that. I'm like, "This bastard tried to lose!"
God.
But people choose him. Again, some of you may be here.
The number one thing I heard is a lot of Trump voters saying:
"I love him because he said what was on his mind.
He just said what was on his mind. He only says what's on his mind! "
You go," What do you think on the policy? "
" I don't know about the policy. He only said what was on his mind. "
I think that is the stupidest thing I've heard
until I went to visit... Yes, seriously. I thought it was the stupidest thing , my own mother. Iranian woman.
She has fallen to the line.
My own mother. She left, "Maz, I like this man
because he said what was on his mind. "
I go," Mom, are you crazy? He is anti-immigrant.
If he becomes President, your family cannot come to visit you. "
He said, "I don't like it either."
He left, "Maz, he said what was on his mind so I don't need to say it what's on my mind...
which one, & apos; Stop visiting me, you cheap ***!
What am I, Air-b-and-b? "
Right?
Many immigrants like Trump. Many immigrants enter this country,
and they don't want more than they come.
I was in Uber with an older Armenian man.
This person loves Trump. Almost doesn't speak English, but he loves Trump.
The whole drive, he tried to tell me how great a politician he is.
He keeps saying how great "politics" he is.
Whole drive, Armenian man: "Donald Trump, number one politics.
Very good politics. Political number one.
Number one politics that is very good. A very good political number. "
Finally, I left," Dude, he is anti-immigrant. You are an immigrant! "
He said," Yes, but I'm here.
For me, politics is good.
For my cousin, not good politics. Very bad. "
I went," You also have a cousin Majid? "
But no matter what you say about Trump,
You have to admit he said what was on his mind.
He said what was on his mind.
Like when he said, "If you want to pick up a woman,
You have to take them with the vagina. "
Yes I know. I didn't say it. He said it.
I know. I'm very upset, I went to my mother. "Ma'am, did you hear what the man said? My mother left, "Reminds me of your father.
May God rest his soul.
And his hand.
His hands are very busy."
Guys, think about that.
This is now part of our political presidency.
It will be in the book. Our children must learn it.
Our children will learn. John F. Kennedy said,
"Don't ask what your country can do for you.
Ask what you can do for your country."
And Donald J. Trump said, "Hold them with pussy!"
Yes!
It's in the book.
And then the next day, the supporters: "It's only one pussy.
What are you all...
The vagina is there, she reaches for it. You will take the vagina too! Don't you take the vagina? "
He himself came out and said it was "the dressing room conversation."
Guys, in my 45 years as a man,
no friend of mine ever told me that that's the step.
I thought maybe that's why I didn't make love in high school.
I don't know that's the step, You should be walking...
"Hey, Gwen, how are you? What is happening?
A beautiful day. I caught you, Gwen! Don't move. by the vagina.
This is like Capturing a Flag. I brought you there.
Capture the Flag. "
We live in crazy times. Because this is what happened:
Trump needs to start taking responsibility for his words,
because the words have meaning. They do it. They did it. They did it!
He said things, and there has been an increase in racism,
there has been an increase to hate crime, many anti-immigrant sentiments out there.
He must be responsible, because the things he did encouraged racists.
There was someone in Kansas who came out and shot two Indians,
then went and told someone that he shot two Iranians.
= = Got the wrong person, but he still... whatever.
This is crazy. And then the Arabs, forget it. You guys, let alone...
Don't speak Arabic on an airplane, or you don't go anywhere.
Do you know what I'm talking about? Even before Trump became president,
have you heard about Iraqis
who was on Southwest flights went from LA to San Francisco?
He was talking on the telephone, speaking Arabic to his father on the telephone.
Passengers heard it, kicked it off the plane.
You heard about that, right? You nod. What is your name?
- is. - is. You heard about that, right?
This poor guy just walked down the aisle, Arabic in...
Just running, like...
"Pages, pages, pages."
It's not Arabic, but that's how it sounds.
He just left, "Pause, yard, yard."
Isa, does that mean anything... "Pause, yard"?
Am I getting closer? What about "Hala, alamahala"?
Is that closer?
I feel like I'm saying something. "Good luck!"
This poor guy, just go away, "Pause, yard."
I'm not sure if that's the way he goes, because it's not too threatening.
If he leaves, "Regards, yard, yard."
Passengers will like, "There are gay Arab guys...
sashaying down the hall.
He just goes, & apos; haha, haha, haha.
Chanel No. 5. Pages, page. & apos; "
I tell all my Arab friends, don't "greetings" on the plane.
Because "halamahala" doesn't fly.
Your "greeting," You will end up on the bus.
Not sure where you are going.
People are afraid of immigrants.
And if you watch Fox News or those networks,
You will also be afraid of immigrants.
God. I tried to watch and a half hours from Fox News.
I am afraid of immigrants.
Guys, I swear to God,
there is so much death and destruction and Armageddon in...
There is a woman... Judge Jeanine Pirro... My God.
This woman always yells on TV, like, "The end of the world will come."
And he is very upset and angry.
"Yes, here it is..."
I tried watching one time. He panicked.
He has this American digital flag behind him.
He is like, "Mexicans will take our jobs,
and Muslims will kill us, and we will be eaten by sharks.
We will be eaten by Mexican Muslim sharks!
With Zika virus! "
I'm like, "Aah!"
You need rest. Guys, the way I rest:
I watch sports. That's how I rest.
My wife watched Kardashian. That he breaks.
I know, it's just a brain-killing thing. Do you know what I'm saying?
Like, I don't pay attention...
The only time I pay attention to to Kardashians
is when Bruce Jenner becomes Caitlyn Jenner.
Right? Remember that?
I know some Middle Eastern people being uncomfortable
when I talk about it.
Now, Ed... "Maz, please talk again about Trump's politics.
I don't want to talk about...
Sex change makes me very uncomfortable."
Guys, I'm fine, okay?
Anyone who knows with that much confidence
that they want to be another sex, is good for them.
Yes!
I'm serious.
That person knows what he wants to be a woman, okay?
I can't even decide what to eat for dinner.
Ask me, "What do you want for dinner?"
"I don't know. Sushi, Italian, Chinese, I'm not sure."
This person? "Woman."
Ask me, "Want to be a woman?"
"I don't know. Let's eat sushi. We can talk about it."
I am very liberal when I come for such things.
Even when gay marriage became legal in the whole country, I was very excited.
I sent a tweet: "Congratulations to my gay friends.
You can finally get married."
Arabs tweeted me again:
"Maz, gay marriage is not accepted in our community."
I hit it again. I go, "What are you afraid of?
They will start proposing to you, are you hairy bastards?"
Right?
You think you will walk the way,
a gay man will jump from the bush? ap Marry me! & apos; "
Stop judging, man. Take care of yourself first.
Right? Dealing with yourself first.
Oh!
And this is positive news for the LGBT community.
Already positive news for the LGBT community. Yes.
Now I know now there is a group of Persians behind,
they are confused.
I guarantee someone's father doesn't know what the "LGBT community" is.
They think it's a bank. I guarantee you.
I swear, there is now a man: "LGBT Community Bank?
Maz, I am with HSBC, but I can go LGBT. Is the interest rate good?"
"LGBT" stands for "lesbian, gay, bi and transgender."
They are getting confused.
"He said & apos; buy & apos; and & apos; transaction. & Apos; That's a bank."
He is an Olympic champion, man. I watched...
My mother was watching the last Olympics when Usain Bolt won.
Right? The fastest man in the world. Usain Bolt wins.
My mother called me. "Maz, did you see?
Hossein Bolt just won."
I went, "Mom, it's Usain." "No, this is Hossein. They forgot & apos; H & apos;"
I go, "Mom, it's Usain. She's Jamaican."
"No, he's one of us. Hossein.
He's an Iranian, maybe an Arab. But he's Hossein."
I go, "Mom, she's black." "We have black people!
The southern part of Iran, we have black people."
He... He tried to take credit for Usain Bolt.
Do you know how much you have to suck to race against Usain Bolt?
Because you know you will lose every time.
Everyone at the Olympics must train their four years of life.
Eat right, exercise, do everything right, sleep properly,
fly to the other side of the world. They appear at the start line,
and Usain Bolt appears.
Each of them hopes he will do it food poisoning from the night before.
Everyone... "Oh come on! This is nonsense!"
If I practice four years in my life,
running, exercising, sleeping properly, doing everything right,
fly to the other side of the world, Usain Bolt appears,
I will do something to pay attention to. Something.
When I hit the gun, I will go the other way.
Think about that. They must interview you.
Right?
They have to come after the race. "Why did you go the other way?"
"In my country, you hear a gun, you go in that direction.
We fight in my country.
Let me come to your country, please!"
God.
Where are the men in their forties?
Men in their forties, where are you, with applause? Here it is, there.
What's your name?
- Farid. - Farid, how old are you?
- Forty things. - Forty something?
That's 49 1/2.
Farid, I'm 45. Let me ask one question. When you watch the Olympics,
Are you still, in the back of your mind, think
if you start training now...
that in four years Can you compete in one of the events?
Do you still have that fantasy?
Farid, I have not given up. I'm still watching.
I go, "I can do some of this nonsense."
I'm watching diving. I go, "I can do dives."
If I practice four years in my life, every day, I think I can do it.
Farid, I am not delusional.
I will not start the first day on high dives,
do a triple axel. Do you know what I'm saying?
The first week, I will only rise. Only one week...
Only one week, I will rise.
Second week: Cannonball. I will work my way.
Farid, I really understand that I actually started doing research.
I went, "There must be a team that needs divers."
Not Team USA, because USA always has the best.
I think maybe Iran can use divers.
I actually researched to see what _ Iran won the last time.
They win in taekwondo, _ wrestling and heavy lifting.
All individual sports.
We can only do individual sports.
Yes. People from that part of the world,
Iran, Arabia, Armenia, India, we can only do individuals.
We can't do team sports.
No, because we don't match each other.
We will never win the World Cup because we argue with each other.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Guys, I've been playing football all my life.
Whenever I play on a team with Iran,
we started the game with 11 players, ended with three.
And it's not because the referee gave us a red card.
No, we argue and leave.
Every match, there is a man: "Skip the ball! Skip the ball!
You don't pass, I'll leave! You don't pass the ball, I'll go.
You have to pass the ball!"
Every match. And then an hour later, we are all in Persian restaurants.
This is a love festival.
One hour later, the same person: "I'm sorry.
Listen, friend, I love you. I love you. I went crazy. I became crazy. You didn't graduate. I open. You did not pass. I am open.
Open. You did not pass the ball!
I love you. Next time, throw the ball.
For now, give kebabs. Miss the kebab for now.
Next... "
Guys, I understand this
that I really started watching to see... watching a little competition.
I watched the dive team, and the announcer entered.
= = He left, "Next dive for China,
Ming Ling Li has just been ten years old. "
I'm like," Damn!
I'm quite mature His great grandfather. "
Maybe I can take care of children in the next Olympics.
Athletes remind you You're getting older.
Athletes and children. Who has young children here? Anyone?
= = Here it is. Farid. There. Farid, how old is your child?
I have a five year old child and two and a half.
Five and two and a half. Adorable, right? You love them, don't you?
But they are also the most tiring person in the world.
Those who don't have children, let me explain what it feels like.
When you don't have children, when a three-day weekend appears...
Monday holiday... When you don't have children, you make a plan.
When you don't have children... "My God. Monday is off?
Let's go to the beach, then we will go to the barbeque,
and then we will go to the movie, then we can get a tattoo,
and then adopt a pet. Then we go to climb, then we take a nap,
then we go to climb again, but retreat for the second time. "
You made a plan.
When you have children, first, You forget that Monday is off...
until you wake up on Monday and they are still there.
You turn to your wife, like, "Why don't they go to school?!
President's day ?!
What kind of nonsense is that?
How will they become president if they don't go to school?
They really have to go to school. "
This is how tiring kids are.
Just a moment ago, Los Angeles District School Integrated... LAUSD...
got a terrorist bomb threat, shut down every school in LA.
Every child in LA is sent home.
Every parent in LA is like, "Aah!
Dirt!
Are you sure it's real?
Can we wait and see what happens?
I have a plan!"
Farid, my children don't go to public schools. They go to private schools,
so they gave us a choice.
They say we can send them to school or keep them at home.
I am honest with them. I go, "Guys, Daddy gets paid. You go."
But I gave them advice. I said, "You see a bomb, go the other way."
But I told them, "Back to the Mathematics class. But I paid for the whole day."
Guys, I did that joke. My eight-year-old son is in the audience.
He came to me after the show, went, "Father,
remember that day you sent us to school on the day of the terrorist bombing?"
I go, "Yes." He left, "There are only four of us there."
I'm like, "Damn."
And he left, "And two of us are me and my sister!"
I go, "Actually, I don't want you to leave. Your mother wants you to go.
I love you. She's al-Qaeda. If you see something, say something.
That's all I say. "
I don't know if you remember that. That's crazy.
The Los Angeles Unified School District is threatened by a terrorist bomb,
turn it off.
The city of New York is the same the bomb threat on the same day.
Don't close it.
That's the day I realized, in LA, we are pussies.
As soon as we get a bomb threat: "Just close it, close the school,
the key, everyone inside, inside!
Do you want to go to the backyard and play? Just use a sunscreen .
We have lots of sunshine in Los Angeles. You must wear sunscreen.
Do you want to have lunch? Okay, only organic,
because we only eat organic in Los Angeles, okay?
Do you want grapes? Can you cut grapes?
Our children in Los Angeles don't know how to chew wine.
You have to cut grapes.
If you give them full wine, they only choke.
Our children in LA don't know how...
They can't... "
Meanwhile, New York City has the exact same bomb threat.
" Yo, ISIS!
I got your bomb threat here!
Here, ISIS! Here! "
And that is a five-year-old girl. That's how they talk in New York City.
Guys, I guarantee, now there is a group of Persians behind...
"God.
He grabs the ball!
I think he will do political material.
Why does he take the ball?!"
Ed, "tokhm" means "ball."
Go for it. Say it. Tokhm.
- Tokh? - Not. Tokhm!
- Tokh. - Not. Tokhm!
With "T" and then "khm."
- Tokhm! - Tokhm.
But it's fast with "M". Not too long with "M".
You don't want "Tokhmmm." That's another thing.
- Only tokhm! - Tokhm!
That's great.
See?
This is a...
This is a learning experience, for women and men.
Immigrants give to culture.
Arabs, how do you say "ball" in Arabic?
- Baydat! - Baydat!
Baydat? Like, "Don't buy this, baydat."
Arabs always try to sell something to you.
"Don't buy this. Baydat!
Baydat!
I gave you a good discount."
Stephanie, how do you say "ball" in Chinese?
That's good. I want to hear it. Teach us.
- How do you say "ball" in Chinese? - I have no idea.
You don't know.
What has happened to your friend's language?
- Qiú! - What is that?
- Qiú. - Cool?
- Qiú. - Qiú?
C-H...
-Q-I-A-O.
U-I-A-O? Chuiao!
There are many vowels on your ball.
Right? Chuiao!
They are the way you do Chinese: "C", "H", "I," "A", "O", "U", sometimes "Y".
Chuiao!
I like it. Chuiao. Chuiao.
That's very close.
Urdu Language How do you say it in Urdu?
- Tattay. - What?
Tattay!
I feel like you have to go, "Tattay."
Tattay.
Right? Tattay.
Someone raised their hand here. Yes. What language?
- Ukraine. - Ukraine.
Oh, shit. How do you say "ball" in Ukraine?
- Yaytsya. - What?!
Yaytsya? Yaytsya?
It sounds like they were surprised to see the ball.
In Ukraine: "Yaytsya!"
Sign language!
Have you just said "sign language"?
Do you have sign language? Oh no. Very?
This is how you do "balls" in sign language.
You win.
That's the best. Show me again. How do you do it?
You have to go down, and then go up.
Are you sure it's not an elephant ball?
I like it!
Look, friend? Immigrants contribute to America when we talk.
That's all I say. That's all I say.
How do we end up with a ball?
Oh yeah. My children.
Farid...
do you raise your children modern or traditional?
- As modern as possible. - As far as possible, modern.
I started hearing a lot of people complaining about things
I never knew we were supposed to complain about.
I began to hear people come and become like,
"My father never played to catch me."
I told him, "My father, Iranian father...
Immigrant father doesn't play catch with with anyone."
I came to America, six years.
If I go to my father when I am six years old, asks him to play catch...
"Hey, Daddy, let's play catch,"
he will be like, "You are lucky in America.
Do you want to play catch? I sent you to Iran.
You can play catches with Khomeini and Saddam Hussein."
I don't think we play catch.
The things people will say. People say, "My father never said, & apos; I love you. & Apos;"
I told them, "My father, Iranian father...
The immigrant father doesn't even know What that means."
If I go to my father... "Daddy, do you love me?"
"Ehh.
I'm getting used to you."
Father of immigrants doesn't say...
Immigrant parents don't say "I love you" all the time.
In America, we must tell our children we love them all day long.
In the morning, "I love you."
At lunchtime, "I still love you."
Afternoon, "I love you more than lunch and breakfast.
I love you more now."
Even when they get into trouble, You have to tell them that you love them.
My son is in trouble... "You are in big trouble.
You are not cleaning your room! But know that I love you.
I am your father. I will always be there for you.
I am the wind in under your wings. I love you so much. I don't want you to grow up and have problems with me.
I love you so much, I'll clean your room for you.
I love you more than your mother loves you.
He sent you to school on the day of the terrorist bombing. "
Immigrant parents don't say they love you.
My parents have the words indicated that they might love us.
My father always said, "You are the light of my eyes.
You are my eye light. "
" You are the light of my eyes! "
You will be like," Wow! "
Yes, do not clap. Don't clap.
Because I will be like, " Wow, is that means you love me? "
He will be like," Ehh.
That means I can see you in the dark.
See what you did. "
God.
Children run the world now, friend. You know how I know?
Because when I was little, I used to have to play
with kids from friends. my parents. Now I have to play with my parents friends of my children.
Yes. I will be five years old.
As soon as we enter the party with my father,
we will appear. My father: "Go away. Play with Amir. "
"I don't want to play with Amir!"
"Go play with Amir!"
"Amir is 29 years old!"
"That's not my problem. That's the problem. Until he finds a good wife, he's their son. Go play with him."
I am five years old. I will run in the room... "Hi, Amir. Do you have Lego?"
"No, man. I've been weeding."
This is another way I know that children run the world.
You know how many parties My wife and I have gone
because children have to go home and relax and retreat and get hurt?
Do you know how many parties we visited? Already occurred.
"Guys, a great party.
Just started, but we have to go home. Children have to relax and retreat and hurt.
I know, you just came out best tequila. We will party,
but we have to go home. Children must relax and retreat and hurt.
I know, we just had a party, but we have to go home.
Children must relax, retreat and get hurt. "
My parents did not leave one party
for us to go home and relax and back and hurt.
None. If we are tired at parties, they will be like," You want sleep? Okay.
Go find a coat pile.
Fall asleep on the mantle. Make sure one of the coats is my coat so I don't forget you when I go home. "
You will continue to fall asleep on the mantle pile, and they come,
they won't even wake you up. They just throw you on their shoulders.
You will be half asleep. You will think you were kidnapped every night.
They will throw you on their shoulders.
You will be, "Oh, my God, this is the fifth time this week.
They kidnapped me again!"
And they think they are doing good parenting.
They don't know anything.
"Hossein, see I'm a good father.
I put my child to sleep in a pile of coats. A good father.
Hossein, give me a shot of vodka. I want to celebrate. He fell asleep.
Hossein, I was driving home. Give me a shot of vodka.
I want to celebrate. Drive home. "
We didn't drive drunk when I was a kid in Iran.
We don't have a seat belt when I was a kid in Iran!
You will be behind the car.
Every turn, You will end up on a different side.
Your father in front: "Hold on to your sister!
You are the seat belt.
I love her.
You are my eye light."
Now, in America, you have to put your child in the car seat until they are 35 years old.
With a helmet.
And video player. Just say...
Where are couples without children? Where are you?
Yes yes yes. Yes yes yes.
Congratulations.
Don't get me wrong. I like my children. We love our children. Right, Farid?
But when you don't have children, you have so much freedom, you don't even know.
Yes.
If there are suggestions that I can give you, take advantage of the freedom you have.
You have a lot of freedom when you don't have children.
When you don't have children, you go home and just make love.
Go home and make love.
When you don't have children, You go home and play a role.
Yes, you go home and play a role.
I know some Iranians just got confused again.
I guarantee you now, some men:
"Playing rolls? Will they go bowling? Why did they go bowling?
Why did they go..."
Role-play is when you pretend to be someone else during sex.
When you don't have children, you can go home
and just do it Tarzan and Jane.
You go home... "Hey, enter another room.
When you hear me & apos; Tarzan, & apos; just swing.
Just swing. Use anything. Use the chandelier. Just go on.
We will have sex in this lobby.
When you hear me leave...
Swing in! Sex in the foyer! "
When you have children, You cannot Tarzan and Jane.
Is that right, Farid?
You can't Tarzan and Jane when you have children.
You will wake children!
That will be the quietest Tarzan and Jane You have seen your whole life.
When you have children, you will be like...
"Psst! Jane, wake up. I told you, don't drink red wine, Jane.
Red wine makes you fall asleep, Jane!
Jane, I'm Tarzan!
Don't leave me here alone with Cheetah.
I played with my Cheetah last night, Jane. "
The Iranian is confused. " He has a monkey named Cheetah? "
When you have young people at home, You cannot have sex in the foyer.
There are Legos throughout the foyer. . Have you ever stood barefoot in Lego? The bastard is sick.
You will be like, "Ow. Jane. Ow. Wait. Hold it. Jane.
Ow Jane. Ow Don't move, Jane. Ow. "
When you have children, you are too tired to have sex. You know how many nights me and my wife, we have taken children,
we have done relaxation, backed away, ,
showering them, go to slip them...
When you put them in, that's when they start manipulating you.
You enter them, you start walking out. "Daddy? I'm thirsty."
"This is water. Speed up. I might make love."
You start walking out. "Daddy? I'm hungry."
"This is a cracker. Let's go. I still have a chance."
Start walking out. "Daddy, I have to pee."
"Of course, because you eat and drink when you shouldn't.
And now Daddy won't get anything because of you, kid. Thank you very much.
Daddy will sleep with a blue ball because of you, Kid. "
The Iranian man is confused again.
"The blue ball is bowling. Blue ball, bowling.
LGBT Community Bank.
I got the whole show. "
Do you know how many nights my wife and I have done all of that?
The relax, replay, which is not bound, anything ,
slip them.
We end up in a shared bed We are very tired.
We look at each other and leave, "Baby...
why try having sex and damage the good thing?
We have Netflix! We have Netflix!
Just hold my hand. Scratching. That's good... That's a good scratch.
That's good... Oh, yeah. Scratch my head.
That's a good scratch. That's a good scratch. "
Yes, that's what happened. When you married children,
You turned into a monkey.
Just scratching each other all day.
Here's what it is. Do you know what that is?
Men and women are only different. We both deal with the same pressure,
but when you have children, a man can break away and decompress faster.
When it comes to sex, men are ready to go anytime, anywhere.
Women need time to decompress, is in the right frame of mind.
Women, when having sex, one small thing can make you confused.
A man can be under the house,
rearranging the house.
All cables can come out precarious, dangerous position.
And from a distance, you can hear his wife just goes, "Sex!"
And a man will do it.
He will run through the cable, electrocuted.
He appears: "Hey, are you saying... Are you...
Sex? You say sex? You say sex?
You say sex. No, I was electrocuted. It's okay. You said sex!
I was electrocuted. You said sex! I had to go to the hospital.
Let's have sex. I have to go home sick. "
Women, very different. One little thing can make you confused.
A woman can be like, "I'm not in the mood now
because my hair should be like this,
but like that."
And men, we are very stupid. We are like, "I have a comb.
I can comb your hair.
Then we can have sex."
And women: "No, you don't hear me.
My hair should be like this, but like that. Like this. "
" Well, I have a comb and brush. I can do your hair, we can have sex. "
We are very stupid, we keep pushing until the real reason comes out.
" I have a comb and brush. I can make it happen. "
" No, you didn't hear me. My hair is like this, but like that.
You forgot my birthday, jerk! "
" Uh, okay, alright... heh heh. Happy Birthday.
This is the comb.
Surprising!
I'll go to rearrange the house. "
That's why, friends, depending on the number people who live at home,
Have to spend a little more time your wife or boyfriend in the mood.
If you don't have children at home, you go home, drink a glass of wine,
making love, it's fantastic.
When you have several children in the house,
You have to spend a little time to get it Your wife is in the right frame of mind.
If you have your children and in-laws,
You don't make love. That doesn't happen.
Too much traffic. It will not happen.
Very difficult to do.
If I want to make love to my wife at eight o'clock at night,
I have to start picking him up ready mentally
from eight in the morning.
I swear to God. Isa, this happened recently.
I wake up one morning. I'm like, "Today is the day."
I don't know if it's a full moon. I am excited.
The first time I saw it, it was 8:00 a.m. at breakfast,
I just throw random praise.
Just walking, I go, "Hey, honey. You look good today."
He said, "Oh, my God. Thank you for paying attention to my spotlight."
When I walked away, I was like, "Seeds have been planted."
It's like Mission: Impossible.
Lunch time: Poetry.
I don't even know poetry.
I just walked... "Hi dear...
& apos; Being or not becoming. & Apos;" That's all I got.
Like, "Oh, my God. Shakespeare. Thank you very much."
Afternoon: Foot rub.
He doesn't want to rub his feet. I gave him a foot rub.
Start rubbing his feet. He has dead skin. Not a big problem.
I turned it into my advantage.
I go, "Honey, your dead skin makes me feel alive!"
He goes, "Eww, it's disgusting."
I go, "So does my love."
Yes, I became Antonio Banderas for two seconds.
"So is my love. I'm Puss in Boots."
I left, I ran, I told the children to come in, everything was done, they were ready to go.
I ran back inside. I go, "Honey, let's do this!"
He said, "I'm not sure I'm in the mood now.
My hair is like this. Now it's like that."
I go, "Babe, come on. Children are sleeping.
I do poetry, rub my feet. Let's do it. And then he goes," Um...
good. "
Which is not the best thing In the world.
But for a man, "okay" is "yes."
Men, during sex, we have no ego at all.
All he has to say is, "Yes, I have nothing better to do."
A man will be like, "He has nothing better to do!
I started making love!"
Guys, I think "okay" means that it is an agreement made.
"Okay" does not mean this has become an agreement.
This is not an agreement done until it's finished, okay?
I messed up. I became arrogant. I think "okay" means we are done.
I became arrogant. I go to the bathroom to urinate before we start.
Just a little tinkle before we start.
Just a little pee, little tinkering before us...
And I farted. Just a little fart.
Only the beginning. Pfft, pfft. Only the beginning. Pfft, pfft.
Pfft only. Only pfft, pfft, pfft. Only pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft.
Only pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft. Only pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft.
Pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft.
Somehow, along the way from another room, he heard.
He said, "Really?" I go, "What?" He said, "I'm not in the mood."
I go, "Come on!"
He said, "My hair is like this. Now it's like that.
There's farting everywhere."
Now I'm trying to sell it to the fart. I go, "That's not farting.
It's a celebration... There's more to it...
I will go pfffffft.
There's more.
I just tested to make sure the children slept.
Pffffft.
I better fart in the bathroom than during sex.
You don't want pffffft. That's not good. "
He said," I'm not in the mood. " I go," Not me.
We have a lot of Netflix. Hold my hand. Just scratch it. That's a good scratch. "
Yes. And it's based on a true story.
I swear to God.
Now, Ed, I guarantee, some Iranians:" Oh, my God!
Is he doing fart jokes?
He should do political material.
Why is he doing fart jokes? "
Ed," guz "means" fart "in Persia. If it makes a sound. If it's quiet, it's just" choss. "
We are connoisseurs. We have two ways.
So, give me "guz." Say "guz."
"Guz." And then say "choss." You are smooth.
Isa, how do you say "fart" in Arabic?
- "Drat" and "fussy." - What is that?
- "Drat." - "Drav?!"
Oh, do you have two too?
Look at that. We have very similar languages.
Do you have "fuss"? So, my "choss" becomes your "commotion".
Choss. Furiousness.
This is like a conversion ratio.
- And "guz" becomes... - "Drat."
"Drat."
It sounds like you are farting. "Drat!"
Whoo!
"Drat."
How do you say it in Assyrian? How do you say "fart"?
- "Arteta." - What?
- "Arteta." - "Arteta."
Sounds like your fart is an artist of some kind.
I gave you arteta.
Arteta.
Help me. Take out your cellphone. Someone google "farting in England."
Stop that. Say what he said. Google. What did it say? "Fart in England."
Just google on your cellphone. Continue.
- We will be expelled. - I tell you, don't worry about that.
Google "farting in the UK." Say it loudly. What did it say?
- "Trump!" - "Trump!" "Trump!"
Yes! Yes!
In England, they say "trump" to "fart." They are very smart there.
Listen, we start with Trump jokes. We end up with fart jokes.
We have reached the full circle. That's the show.
Thank you very much, Kennedy Center. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
♪ Lai-lai-lai-lai-lai-lai-lai-♪
Thank you, Kennedy Center. Thank you, Netflix.
Thank you, D.C. I love you guys.