It's going to be triple digits here today.
Along the Arizona-California border,
so keep those pets inside.
I think we gotta pull over, Brody.
Again?
Craig, you've been shitting across America.
Seriously, I want to get there, man.
Come on, guys.
The cigar's hanging off the lip.
I'm not going to make it.
I'm not going to make it!
Make sure you empty the tank,
because this is the last time we're stopping.
And don't forget to bury it!
This is so bad for the environment.
Gentlemen, according to my calculations,
it's only 1,300 miles to Los Angeles.
Remind me again why we didn't just fly.
Don't you remember?
We all decided we wanted to see America.
Over it.
Tunnel!
- Oh, no. - What?
Did anyone remember to pack our Gilmore Girls box set?
Well, we didn't forget it back home, did we?
You guys, don't worry.
It's cool. It's cool.
I packed it in the gray suitcase.
Thank God.
- Rory. - Lorelai.
Grandma!
Oh, man, I love gridlock.
Yeah, check out all the hot chicks in fancy cars.
Maybe we could invite them all over to our new pad.
Here it is!
On the right! On the right!
This can't be right.
It's even better than I expected.
Do you guys think any stars live here?
Looks like Italy.
Mort. Mort. Mort.
- Skip the sermon. - Ballsy! Come on!
- And write it down this time. - Come on, Ballsy!
I have to go.
I have gentlemen callers.
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
May I help you?
We were just looking for Marge the manager.
You from the casino?
No.
IRS?
No.
Bed, Bath & Beyond?
No.
Well, I'm Marge.
I'm Brody.
I'm Craig.
I'm Doug.
We actually talked to you last week about the fully-furnished
and spacious efficiency apartments with breath-taking views.
Complimentary cable, including Skinimax.
Deluxe kitchenette.
And free unlimited street parking.
When available.
We just rolled into town.
We're kind of wondering if we can move in immediately.
Where?
Here.
We sent you our deposit?
I'm sorry.
We have a no-pet policy.
You know, the ca-ca and all?
You're talking about Ballsy.
Ballsy's not a pet.
He's one of us. He's family.
He's very well-behaved.
Yeah, you won't even know he's here.
So... what kind of house you look for?
Little house, medium house,
big house, condominium?
Well, basically, I guess we're just looking
for something, you know, with a roof.
You know, indoor plumbing, maybe a couple of walls.
Spacious enough to entertain friends.
Yeah, and impressive enough that it makes women
want to have sex with us.
Ridiculous.
That going to cost you.
Well, yeah, I mean, that's what we figured.
But it's cool. We got it covered.
Yeah, you know...
See, as luck would have it, our dog "Ballsy"
suffered a minor maiming at the groomer's.
A... medical faux pas, if you will.
Like, you go to a drug store to buy some shampoo...
And instead, they cut off your balls.
Sorry.
I guess, on the bright side, the tragedy afforded us all
the opportunity to move out of our parents' house.
Oh, I see. You boys real driven.
Winnie, we have come halfway across the country to start our lives.
We can't just turn around and go home.
My dad walks around the house naked with his...
And my nana's cookware is a joke.
Listen, um... Kwang-fu.
You can call me Winnie.
Oh. Yes, ma'am.
How old are you?
Twenty-three.
You look soft.
Bring me the red file.
Here. Red file.
Softie.
He's hot.
I found you boys the perfect house.
Furnished estate?
- Hollywood Hills. - They're cheap!
We'll take it!
Congratulations!
Where are we?
I don't know.
I wish there were someone we could ask for directions.
What kind of crazed psycho
would be out here at this time of night?
What?
Lock the door!
Wait!
I think it's just a Mexican.
Maybe we can ask him directions.
Hola, Mexican.
I'm really sorry to bother you,
but we're a little lost.
See, we're looking for our new el housio.
I'm sorry?
He keeps saying something about el diablo.
El diablo?
Oh, my God.
El diablo?
Isn't that that super hot, hot, hot, hot sauce?
Yes, dude! Yes!
He's probably just hungry.
What do we got?
Here. Here.
You are in luck, my Latino friend.
Offer him some ketchup.
It's like white people hot sauce.
We don't have any hot sauce,
but we do have some ketchup.
Yeah, and it won't burn your cheerio like that el diablo stuff.
- Yeah, all right. - No, no, no!
Aqu�l
Jesus, this guy's got a one-track mind.
We're just going to have to figure this out on our own.
But good luck to you, friend.
Yeah, and don't be such a food snob.
Yeah, give ketchup a chance!
El diablol
I think this is it.
Wow, I got goosebumps.
Gentlemen, we're home.
Wow...
Killer pad.
Doug, damn...
Yeah. Yeah.
Brody, you're hitting me. You're hitting me!
Hey, how's your book?
Real page-turner, man.
Real page-turner.
It's home.
Wow.
You know, I think we should be really proud of ourselves, guys.
I mean, we did it! You know?
We finally moved out of our parents' house and into our own place.
Sure beats the view of my dad's balls.
You know what I love most about this house?
Lts functional floor plan?
Self-cleaning ovens?
I love... that it's going to help us score with hot babes
way out of our league.
This house is perfect.
Did you guys hear something?
I didn't even know this room was down here.
Sounds like it's coming from down here.
Oh, Jesus!
Previous owners must have had a lot of pets.
That's actual the skull of the Turkish dairy goat.
Guys. Guys, over here.
What is it, Brody?
What'd you find?
Looks like we got an open sewer line here.
Now, there's an accident waiting to happen.
Hey, it's warm.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, look, a coyote.
He's kinda cute.
- You are. - Yeah, maybe he can hang out.
And him and Ballsy could have a play date.
Or not.
He must have come in from the hills through that hole.
Maybe if we scare him, he'll just run out the way he came in.
Now, I'm going to count to three.
And we're going to take him.
All right.
One... two...
Then again, there is another option.
Okay, wait, wait, wait.
I got another one.
Okay, wait.
Who am I?
You're a Turkish dairy goat.
Guys, wouldn't it be funny if that coyote
was some kind of demon and this...
and that open sewer was actually some kind of portal to hell,
and the longer we stayed in this house,
the greater chance there was of us being brutally murdered
and sacrificed to the devil?
That would be...
awesome!
Oh, Beyonc�.
Were you spooning me?
Why, hello.
Welcome to our humble abode.
Would you like to come in?
Yeah, we live here.
Oh, thank you.
Hi.
I'm Lucy, from next door.
Next door?
It seemed like we were all alone up on this hill.
We're actually from down quite a ways.
We?
I'm a volunteer at Hope House.
That's great.
What's that?
Oh, it's a place where people can go
when they're sick and don't have any money
or friends or family or resources.
Yeah, sounds a lot like Craig's house.
Yeah, Craig's dad walks around naked.
What?
No.
Oh, I made you a cake.
It's angel food.
Thank you very much.
She's hot and she bakes.
Can I cut you piece or something?
Oh, no, no.
I never eat angel food.
I just wanted to stop by and welcome you to the neighborhood.
Yeah, nobody takes the time anymore, you know?
All the homes are so private and secluded.
That's pretty much the only drawback to this place, right?
Maybe you could have a housewarming or something.
Hey, that's a great idea!
Like a huge party!
Well, I should be getting back.
Wait, wait, wait.
If we were to have a party...
would you come?
Well, if you're inviting me...
I'd love to.
Bye, now.
We have got great neighbors!
Wow.
You guys, we can't throw a party.
What? Why not?
Because who are we going to invite?
Man, Doug's right.
We don't know anybody around here.
Except Lucy.
And that ungrateful Mexican.
Doug. Ungrateful Latino.
Whatever. Ungrateful nevertheless.
Don't worry, guys.
I've got an idea.
Brody, this is magnificent.
Thank you.
Now all we gotta do is decide who to invite.
Well, that's easy.
Chicks under 20 who enjoy getting wasted.
And have a history of poor judgment.
Or either naive or insecure.
I would do just about anything for free copies.
Sorry, guys.
I got a little excited.
I don't get out much.
I still live at home.
My dad walks around the house naked.
Hey, kid.
You're partying with us.
Really?
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Hey! Hey! What are you doin' there?
Oh, shit! Run!
I'll call the cops!
- Get back here! - Go! Go! Go!
Forgive me, Father... for I have sinned.
- Wow, hi. - Please come. Please.
Hey, you wanna...
Hi.
Thank you. What is this?
We're having a party.
Give it to me. It's mine.
That's a wrap!
Hi. Please come to my party.
Take mine. Take mine.
Hey, we're throwing this party, if you wanna...
- Hey, what are you doing? - Give me this.
- Get out of here. - Give me this.
This is for the...
Get out... Give me the...
What's the matter with Ballsy?
Really hot in here.
Kinda smells like eggs.
Hey, guys.
What the hell happened here?
Somebody broke into our house.
Oh, my toaster.
You guys, lookit.
It all makes sense.
How could we have been so blind?
What?
What are you talking about?
Don't you see?
The hellacious stench?
The ungodly heat?
The forbidden fruit?
I know what did this.
It was a bunch of God damned squatters!
You think weightlifters did this?
No, vagrants. You know, transients.
Squatters?
What if the squatters broke in through that open sewer,
just like that coyote,
and have been living secretly in our basement for months?
So... you're saying that
a bunch of apple-eatin' homeless people
living in our basement
are doing all this freaky stuff
just to scare us off?
That is exactly what I think.
Oh, you're good.
But I'll tell you what.
This is our house now.
And come hell or come high water, we are staying put!
Yes!
But what if they're still here?
Oh, God!
Just disgusting.
It's all kinds of nasty.
Rude.
It's a squatter!
He still wants el diablo.
Again with the el diablo.
Look, ese...
No el diablo.
No hablo espanolo.
Oh, my God!
- What! - No!
What?
Whoa!
Where did he go?
That guy just ripped out his own heart.
And tracked mud all in the house.
You guys?
These squatters are crazy.
I know.
They'll try anything to get us out.
Well, the only way we're getting out
is in three bloody body bags.
Yeah.
They're not gonna scare us off with their cheap carnival tricks.
They must think we're a bunch of pussies.
- Yeah. - Oh, boys!
Is everything okay here?
We're chillin'. It's Lucy.
- Oh, we're totally fine. - Oh, yeah.
These are my friends:
Delilah...
What's up?
...and Jezebel.
Hey.
I was looking for that.
Hey, little pootchie, pootchie, pootchie-kins.
Here you go, boy. Fetch. Here you go.
They were wondering if it would be okay if they came to your party.
- Absolutely. - Indeed.
- Please do. - Great!
Oh, and we brought something for you to listen to.
- Absolutely. - Indeed.
Please do.
What do you think?
I don't know.
You know, it's a little...
They're called Demon Semen.
I think they'd be perfect for your party.
I think we're looking for something with a little more woodwind.
Yeah, you know, maybe something, like,
just a little bit less terrifying.
Yeah, they sound really creepy.
It totally makes us wanna do all kinds of, like, bad things.
Things that we would normally never, ever, ever do.
Like what?
Like this.
Like what?
I think I released some Demon Semen.
Your tongue tastes so good.
Like what?
I've got so much food for the party tonight.
I've been baking this since noon.
- Nana's recipe. - Oh, boy.
- Try one.
Good. All right.
And?
You can bake.
You can bake!
And you are the best sous-chef ever.
Wait, what's a sous-chef?
The chopper-upper.
Oh, then yes.
I gotta tell you guys,
these Saudi-built detectors just don't cut the mustard.
Now, I'm afraid, if you want a party permit,
you're gonna have to bring this building up to code.
Of course...
Well, there is one other option.
- There is? - Tell us. We'll do anything.
Well, now, this is gonna be a big party, right?
Refreshments and dancing and a lot of interesting people to talk to?
Oh, yeah. There's gonna be chicks and booze everywhere.
Yeah, and my famous butterscotch bunnies.
Thanks, no.
Mind if I smoke?
- Well, now... - No.
Let's say...
you can get a trained professional to be on hand?
I don't know.
What do you think, Doug?
Sounds expensive.
Oh, no, no. I'm sure you could find
someone who would donate their time, you know?
Someone who's lost direction.
Someone who's never been comfortable
with the whole on-line dating scene
but still thinks there's an outside chance
that there's someone out there that's just right for him.
Yeah, I don't know.
I don't know how I'd feel
about having some poor bastard work for free.
It's un-American.
No, no. You gotta trust me on this one.
I mean, he wouldn't mind.
I mean, not like when his wife of 17 years,
who he treated like a goddess,
left him for Tom at MySpace. Com.
It kinda sounds like your friend might be...
be gay.
Why? You gay?
Nice apron.
Anyway, that's beside the point.
What do you say you just help a firefighter out?
He's a very close, dear friend of mine,
although he's not gay.
Look, Mr. Fire Marshal.
Let's just say we replace
all the smoke detectors in the entire house,
what are the chances that we pass inspection then?
Hmm, well, I'd have to say slim and none.
We're saving those.
Oh, for the party?
Hey, you guys,
I got the most awesome idea for the party, okay?
- What's wrong with you two? - Dude, the party's over, man.
Thanks a lot, Mr. Fire Marshal.
Fire Marshal? What fire marshal?
The one that said the house wasn't up to code.
Yeah, so, unless we can pull a trained fire professional
who will work for free right out of our asses,
which is practically impossible...
How did he know we were having a party?
His "friend" found this at a strip club.
You guys let a fire marshal in here?
What a hell hole.
What the hell?
Oh, yeah, this gotta be a code-eight violation.
You let him go down in the basement?
With all those violations?
Now we gotta bribe him!
Hello?
Baloney.
Ice cold beverage.
Mr. Fire Marshal?
Salami.
Oh, my God.
What is it?
We passed!
Yes!
Well, looks like this place is missing just one thing.
I cannot believe you found Backwater!
I know.
Last I heard, he was in a full body cast
from doing a flying squirrel into a pool with no water.
Do you guys remember
the time that he ran out of beer and he drank his own pee?
Yeah, that pee got him wasted.
I know. Me, too.
Here he is, guys. Here he is.
- That's not Backwater. - Yeah, who's the rabbi?
Asshole!
Backwater?
Wow, I can actually see the whites of your eyes.
Did you bring your laminated name tag,
just in case you get so wasted you forget your name
and end up in Mexico again?
Remember that?
Yeah, I don't think that's gonna happen again this year, boys.
What, you pass out? No way.
Drugs and alcohol were a crutch for me.
But since I found the Lord,
I realize I no longer need them.
Are you joking?
No.
I get it. You're stoned right now.
Me, too.
Okay, look, guys, the truth is I'm here for me.
For the first time since I was six,
I am completely drug and alcohol free.
And let me tell you, it feels great.
In a few weeks, I'll be joining the order.
So I figured your party would be the ultimate test
of my spiritual fortitude.
I've come to face my demons, boys.
- Band room. - Check.
- Catering. - Check.
- Check.
- Let's do this.
All right, boys and girls.
Showtime.
Welcome to our pad.
I think I speak for all of us
when I say we were really touched
by your work in Indiana Bones.
And Position: Lmpossible.
I saw Meet the Knockers
37... 38 times.
That's my favorite.
Mine, too.
I love your necklace.
I mean every letter of it.
Whoa! You got a flyer?
Great job on the bouncers.
Yeah, where'd you get these guys?
Food court.
You see this party?
This is what you're missing tonight.
Now get out.
Girls with chains and spikes.
- That was you, wasn't it. - Yeah.
Handsome woman.
- Pretty man. - Indeed.
Whoa. Whoa.
Hold on.
I'm sorry, but there's going to be a lot of sex
and booze and hardcore perversion at this party
I'm afraid I'm gonna need to see some IDs.
But these say you're all only 16.
Is that a problem?
These things better not be bogus.
Wow, you girls look great.
Thanks, so do you.
Almost good enough to eat.
And we are totally starving.
So we'll see you inside.
This is gonna be one hell of a party.
I hope so.
Excuse me. Attention.
You gotta turn it on, man.
If I could just have everyone's attention, please.
Just for a second.
My name is Brody,
and these are my two best friends in the whole world,
Doug and Craig.
And we'd just like to welcome you our...
new den of debauchery!
And now without further ado,
I'd like you guys to give a warm welcome
to our house band,
Demon Semen!
Bitch.
Who's ready to raise hell tonight?
God damn men.
Hurry up in there.
No!
Looks like someone clogged the toilet.
Looks like they had Coney's.
Oh, man, I love Coney's.
Yeah, me, too.
It's so good.
Delicious.
Wow, that turd is really wedged in there.
Yeah, it's huge.
It kinda looks like a human head.
I mean, check it out. It's even got eyes.
Oh, yeah. That's staring right up at us.
It's starting to freak me out.
Yeah... me, too.
Stop staring at me, turd! You're freaking me out!
Turn your head, turd.
All right, give me the plunger.
Stand back.
Wait! Craig, wait!
- What? - We should take a picture of this.
We could send it in to ratemypoo. Com
Oh, yeah. Yes, we could win 50 bucks.
We gotta say you did it. It's more impressive.
Right.
Say feces!
Can you hear me now?
I hate cell phones.
Heidi, listen, you sent me to the wrong place.
What? No.
Keep quiet. I'm gonna probably lose you any minute.
Listen to me.
I hired you to get me to the places I need to get to.
You sent me to the wrong place, Heidi.
What? No. No, I'm not at Tobey's house, Heidi.
What? No.
No, not Moby. Tobey.
Heidi, I don't even know Moby.
I'm a big fan of his music, too.
Listen to me. Just keep quiet.
Look, look...
I need you to get me to Tobey's house.
Because right now I am stuck in the middle of this...
this very weird, very strange house party.
What?
I don't know if there are any other celebrities here, Heidi,
and I don't care.
I just... Listen to me.
Heidi! Look, I...
Hello? Hello?
Hello.
You know, you're never going to find what you're looking for
at the bottom of that glass.
What?
What's your name?
- Joe. - Joe, take a look around.
I'll tell you what I see.
I see you and your friends heading down a path,
a path to ruin.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about that right there.
Whaddaya got? Punch?
It's not punch, Joe. It's poison.
And the more of that poison that you put into those veins,
the further you fall into a pit.
A pit... of despair.
Are you kidding me? I don't even...
I don't even know any of these people.
I'm not even supposed to be here right now.
You know where I'm supposed to be?
I'm supposed to be at Tobey Maguire's house...
that's right... to play poker tonight.
I don't know who that is.
- Spider-Man? - Nah.
- Seabiscuit? - Never saw it.
Movie with a horse? You never saw it?
No. The only superstar I worship...
Forget it. Is there a phone around here that I can use?
If you listen to your heart,
you won't need to phone anyone.
Okay.
Oh, my God. No offense, Father.
Look, the point is that just doesn't help me out at all right now.
But thank you.
- Why don't you have a drink? - Oh, no, no. I don't...
No, have it, it's lovely. It's a lovely drink.
- I'm not supposed to drink. - Great dog. Cute dog.
Drink me.
What?
Hey, boo.
- Hey. - Hey.
Hey, Doug, put me down.
Put me down, Doug.
Hey. Just...
- Hey. - Hey.
That's a great band.
Yeah, yeah, we love the Demon Semen.
- Yeah, good call. - Thanks.
So, how about a private tour of the house?
Ooh, that'd be great.
But how about after we have a few drinks.
Yeah.
Because, you know, alcohol lowers all our inhibitions.
That is so sweet.
Why don't you wait right here while the two of us go freshen up a little?
Yeah, yeah.
And then we'll take that tour.
Starting with the bedrooms.
Okay.
- We can do that. - I can do that. Can you do that?
I'll be there. Are you going to be there?
So, you want a shot?
Oh. I don't know.
I mean, I already have this beer.
And one's usually my limit.
I give you permission to get a little wild.
Well, okay. If you say so.
So, what are my options?
Oh, we've got everything.
I mean, the previous owner left us a ton of spirits...
vodka, rum, gin, tequila,
and of course Doug's marshmallow surprise punch.
Wow.
They all sound so good.
How about I try one of each?
But promise you'll stop me if I get carried away.
Don't you worry.
I can handle my liquor.
Gwen, can you feel it in the air?
Yeah.
It's like there's evil all around us.
Hey, girls. Neat party, huh?
Oh, I don't know if you girls know this,
but I'm actually really tight friends
with the guys who live here.
Don't want to get your hopes up,
but I might be getting some Barry Manilow tickets pretty soon.
You know what would be funny?
If you took your top off and I saw your breasts and I was like,
"Hey, I can't believe you did that... "
Hey, how do you eat cereal with that lip thing...
Say goodbye to those BM tickets!
Your back structure's exquisite.
I want to lick it.
Guys, this place is so cool.
Totally bad.
I wonder who we have an intimate,
meaningful conversation with to stay here.
These jets are intense!
I'm totally sweating!
I'm getting so hot.
Guys, it's hot.
I think it's getting a little too hot.
Delilah, Jezebel?
Where are you little devils?
Doug... check it out.
Wow.
Triplets.
Check this out.
Hey, girls.
How's the water?
Good one.
Mind if we come in?
- Well, I guess we can take that as a yes. - They didn't say no.
Impressive.
I know.
Okay, all right. They're fine.
They're fine out there.
You're okay, they're okay.
They're okay. Right, Ballsy?
Oh, my God!
How did you get up there?
That's warm.
- Excuse me. - Excuse me.
- Pardon me. - Pardon me.
Hello, triplets.
So, Tecates for the hot-tays?
Why don't you just hang on to that?
Or not.
So which one of you was born first?
Doug?
These girls look cooked.
I know, they're totally baked.
They can't even speak.
No, man.
I think that they're dead.
Holy shit!
You got a little piece of corpse on you!
Get it off! Get it off!
All right, all right, we got to just stay calm.
Stay calm?
The Von Schlutz triplets are dead in our hot tub!
What do we do?
Doug, relax!
We've just got to think, man.
Now, first things first.
We drink another beer.
She's got my beer! She's got my beer!
- Here. - Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
Okay, then we call the cops.
Are you crazy? Are you crazy, man?
We can't call the cops.
- Okay, no cops. Why? - Because!
We got dead triplets floating in our hot tub.
They'll shut the party down, man.
Maybe even impound the house.
No, no, no! We can't let that happen!
I know.
And all because of one completely random freak party accident.
And we haven't even scored yet!
Yes! Yes! See? Same page every time!
- Okay, all right. - All right, all right.
- Okay, what do we do? - Look.
We'll call the cops in the morning, okay,
after everyone's gone.
And then we'll replace all the smoke detectors in the house.
- Fine. - Okay.
But for now...
I say that we don't tell anybody, okay?
Not even Brody.
Oh, no, no.
Especially not Brody.
Yes!
Okay.
What do we do with these poor girls in the meantime?
Oh, no, it's empty.
Maybe we should just slow down just a wee bit, though.
Oh, okay.
Maybe you're right.
Hey, do you know what I've always wanted to do?
Can we... just get some air?
Pop my top.
I think that is a great idea.
You know, like, in public?
Just jump up on a table and rip it off!
I think that is a great idea.
Really?
Hey, maybe I could just pop it right here for you.
Like, for practice.
I think that's a great idea.
Hey.
Hey!
Aren't you that famous guy Brody,
who's like... owns this killer place,
who, like, is responsible for this killer bash, right?
Yeah.
Yeah. Oh, dude, there's some people looking for you out front.
They seem pretty mad or something.
Hold that thought.
So, uh, is your dad, like, a robber,
because he stole some stars and put them in your eyes.
We caught him speaking in tongues down at the curb.
He's scaring away all the Mexican trim.
Senores, el diablo est�n...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, I know.
El diablo aqu� en tu casa.
This hot sauce is making him mental.
Although, I do like the tie.
It's a nice touch.
What do you want us to do with him, boss?
Well, I don't know.
I mean, what are my options?
Let's see. We could whack him.
Whack him?
Oh, sure. We've done it before.
I'll just stick myself a few times in the arm with a shiv,
call it self-defense.
I don't know.
What if we just get him out of here with a stern warning?
You're the boss.
Look, I want you and your fellow squatters to get the hell out of here
and stay the hell away from our house.
And if I see you back here again,
you sure as hell better have a pair of tits.
Big ones. Double D.
Hi. I'm Brian Trolet. The "T" is silent.
What's your name?
I'm Amber, Amber Waves.
And this is my partner...
Cherry Red.
What do you do?
I'm in adult films and so is she.
I saw an adult film once.
My father has them.
He hides them in a box labeled "poison. "
Wait a minute.
There's nothing wrong with nudity.
- Really? - No.
- It's natural. - It is?
- Yeah. - Whoa.
Well, if it's natural, do you think...
Am I allowed to see your breasts?
Well, yeah!
Yeah?
Watch it, stretched.
I missed it.
Save me dance?
I missed it.
Oh, Jesus, Craig.
Two and a half more people are dead.
Do you know what this means?
Yeah.
There goes any shot of the Meet the Knockers sequel.
That, and this is just another completely random freak party accident.
Again... it's like we're on the same page.
What are the chances?
Every time.
So, Craig, what do we do with these bodies?
I actually do a silly little Bruce Willis impersonation.
- You know, because... - Give me a break.
No, it's true. It's really great.
Because it's all in... it's all in the mouth.
You know, he's got this little scowl, and he's like...
You know, he's like...
Let's see.
He's like, Hans.
Hans, that's a...
that's a tricky little accent there, Hans.
You should be on TV with that accent, Hans.
Hey.
You okay?
Hey, you...
Joey...
Joe...
Hans.
What are you going to do with the detonators, Hans, hmm?
What do you think, I'm stupid, Hans?
Yippee-ki-yay, mother...
What the...
Hey! Father Patrick, how's it going?
It's Brother Backwater.
Yeah.
Yes, I know it's late.
I'm sorry to get you up.
I'm feeling a little...
a little thirsty right now.
Like I could use a drink.
Yeah, you know.
I went to a party and, you know...
Yeah, yeah, I know I'm not supposed to go to parties but I went to one
because I thought if I could go to one party,
face my demons once and for all,
then I would prove to myself
that I was worthy of serving the Lord.
And it was going really well. It was going very well.
I was kicking ass out there.
I think I even suckered a couple converts out there.
It was...
I don't know if they were rich kids.
They were very well dressed.
Father, I... Come on, Father, listen to me here, okay?
I'm just trying to tell you that I'm...
There's...
There's a lot of weird stuff going on at this party.
There's a lot of very weird stuff going on out there
and I don't think I'm going to make it.
I don't think I'm going to make it.
Father, what I need is your help right now.
I need you to turn off the goddamn television
and give me a little help.
My spiritual salvation is on the line.
Hey, Padre.
Father, uh...
I'm going to have to call you back.
I can't believe this is happening.
I don't believe my eyes.
Joey Lawrence came to our party!
- You got it? - Yeah.
- Excuse us. - Oh, my God, it's the guy from Blossoml
- Hey, no, no, no. Later. Later? - Going this way.
Call me.
Okay, okay. Guys, guys.
- Call me. - Okay, later.
We got it.
All right, around the table here.
- What are you, eating? - Comfort food.
- Dude, is this party bitchin' or what? - Shit.
Oh, my God.
Hey.
Is that Joey Lawrence?
Well, we were actually just heading outside.
I mean, I knew this party was good,
but it just went A-list!
Yeah, that's... It's totally killer.
It's one they'll never forget.
Joey...
can you just, you know...
just give me a little sip of the whole "whoa" juice?
Joey got a little crazy with the Cuervo.
We're just going to take him by the pool
for some, you know, fresh air.
I'll go with you!
Just let me grab a beer.
Oh, my God.
Someone drank all our good beer!
Could this night possibly get any worse?
Top shelf! Top shelf!
- Oh, my God. - Yeah, that one had to hurt.
What is the matter with you?
There are two severed heads in our refrigerator.
Okay, all right.
There's no reason for hysterics.
I mean, it's just two more completely random...
- Unrelated! - Accidental deaths.
What? Accident... What are you...
Come on, man! Shit happens!
- All the time. - Wait, wait.
Two more?
Okay, um, look.
We weren't going to tell you this until after...
...we got sexed.
But there is something very strange going on here.
Eight people died. Make that nine.
Joey Lawrence is dead.
Tonight Hollywood lost one of its treasures.
Wait, nine people died?
Here? Tonight?
Yeah.
And some thoughtless bastard clogged our toilet.
Yeah, but, hey, don't worry, okay?
Hey, hey, we got it under control, all right?
It's just two more, you know, accidental party deaths.
What... Accidental deaths?
These people were murdered!
- What? - What?
We have got squatters inside the wire.
I'm calling the cops.
No, wait, wait! Just wait, man.
Are you insane?
We can't call the cops!
I mean, okay.
Uh, murder.
Yes, it's a big deal,
but, I mean, if we lose the house,
you'll totally blow any shot that you've got with Lucy.
Okay, maybe I got a little carried away.
It's understandable.
I mean, you got two human heads in the fridge.
I mean, these people are dead,
and that's tragic, for sure.
But there's nothing we can do about it now, right?
We will call the cops in the morning,
after we've got all this place cleaned up.
But for now, we've got to stop
these blood-thirsty squatters on our own.
For all we know,
they may still be in this house.
So we've go to be vigilant and keep our eyes open.
If we look hard enough,
we're bound to see someone who looks suspicious.
Oh, my God!
It's the squatter!
Joe, put that away.
Now, look, friend.
We can either do this the easy way
or we can do this the hard way.
Tell us what we need to know, wo... man.
And one more word about that freakin' hot sauce...
Tough guy, huh?
Boys?
No.
Open up. Say "ah. "
Open up and say...
I got a good one!
I love my job.
Look!
We know that before we moved in
you and your friends were living secretly down in the basement.
Squatting, if you will.
But this is our house now.
So why are you still here?
- Again! - Again!
Hey, look! It's Delilah and Jez!
Oh, I think they're going to do that geek.
They must have used us to get to him!
It's been Delilah and Jez this whole time.
- Why? - Wait.
Delilah and Jez are Lucy's best friends.
You guys...
that can only mean one thing!
Oh, no.
- Lucy's in danger! - Exactly!
I'm going to save her!
Lucy, I gotta talk to you about something.
Brody...
would you wear this for me?
Absolutely.
Just got a little bit of the goosebumps there.
So what did you want to talk to me about?
Oh, right.
Lucy, have you ever noticed anything strange
about your friends Delilah and Jez?
No. Why do you ask?
Well, let me first say
that just because they're your best friends,
that doesn't mean I think you're anything like them.
I mean, I know that you are good and kind and innocent.
Wow, that's really...
You were saying?
How do I say this?
Delilah and Jez... are minion of the devil.
Oh, my, that's awful.
Yeah, I know. But that's not it.
This house is actually a portal to hell,
and they're devouring souls to feed to their master.
I'd rather devour something else.
Oh, my God.
God's not going to help you now, Brody.
I hope not.
Wow! You have really sharp nails.
Lucy, I gotta say,
there is something about you, you know?
I've never felt this way about anybody before.
You just have this great...
I don't know, this great spirit about you, you know?
You're just really special.
You've got these horns...
Horns!
Wings!
Oh, my God!
Brody, come on.
You got a penis!
I've got a vagina, too.
Brody, please.
You're the devil her... him...
her... himself!
You know, I thought I sensed an accent.
I speak all the languages, baby.
Delilah and Jez are... are your minion!
You're the Antichrist.
And you've been killing innocent party-goers all night long.
I had to.
I mean, that's what I do!
I'm Satan!
I lie and screw people over.
You used me.
Well, yeah.
You bitch.
Brody, why don't you join me?
I'll give you everything you've ever wanted:
Money, power, eternal life!
Plus, we can throw a party like this every night.
Does sound kinda good, you know?
Partying every night.
Wait, what am I talking about?
You've got a penis!
Details.
Guys!
Guys, what are you doing?
Hey, boys, wanna party?
Boys, save yourselves!
Lucy's the devil!
I don't even care.
Let me offer some words of persuasion.
She has a penis.
Holy camel foot!
Yeah.
- Deal-breaker! - Hey, move it!
What are we going to do?
He had a penis!
Brody, what are you... Focus!
My nana warned me about these creepy L.A. People!
There's got to be somebody here
that knows how to battle the powers of evil.
I am a golden god...
Flying squirrel!
- Backwater! - Oh, my God!
We should never have dared him!
Oh, Preston, baby.
That was awesome.
Catholic school girls are evil.
Get Backwater inside and sober him up.
I'm going to save some lives.
It's an emergency, man.
Hello again.
Look, I need everyone here to listen to me very, very carefully.
But whatever you do, please do not panic.
Everybody here is in danger of being brutally murdered
and sacrificed to the devil.
So, if you would, please just move single file to the door,
and we'll look forward to seeing you next time.
Show us your tits!
Hell, no, we won't go.
Everybody, run!
Run! Everybody out!
Last chance.
Come on, man! You gotta wake up!
- Come on, bro. - You're our only hope!
Come on, wake up! Wake up!
- How's it coming? - I don't know!
Maybe we need some more coffee!
I'm on it. I'm on it!
Back up, hot little thing.
Was that decaf?
Oh. My bad.
- That one's on me. - Yeah.
Come on, boy! Ride 'em, boy!
It's Backwater's Bible.
This thing is, like, the official textbook for fighting evil!
Ballsy, you are brilliant!
Who's my dog?
I think I found it: The Book of Psalms.
"And he who praises the Lord through the glory of song
shall be saved and fear no evil. "
Come on, you guys, put it together.
We will sing a holy song to defeat those evil... hot...
evil bitches!
Yes. Yes!
Hey! They're singing a holy song to defeat us hot, evil bitches!
Child?
I don't know the song.
Get him!
Can I get you ladies a beverage?
Hey, fatty!
Keep it. Keep it.
No, please!
Not really thirsty or...
Holy shit.
Sing it one time!
Come on!
Sing it with me, children!
They're bonding together.
And the show has unity and human kindness.
Send these Satanic bitches into their soul hole.
And now we're going to send you evil hos back to hell!
That's hot! That's hot!
Come on!
Oh, yeah, bitch.
Your soul is mine.
My balls.
And vagina.
Please, don't destroy me.
Do me.
Don't do it, Brody!
She is still pretty hot.
Whoa, your head, bro!
Awesome, dude.
That was one killer party, dude.
- You hungry? - Yeah.
I knew you were a dirty boy.
Come on, girls.
Let's leave this whack devil house.
This ain't even evil. You want to see evil?
- Yeah, baby, show me evil. - I'll show you evil.
Wait till we get to my mom's house.
Yeah, you can't handle my evil lovin'.
You'd be like, "Oh, MC Baby Chuggy-Thug,
your lovin' is too much for me!"
Then I'll get on the microphone
and rap to you so pimpaliciously,
you'll have an eargasm for a millennia.
Then we're going to hop onto my private jet
and we going to Rome for some biscotti
and some espresso, bitches!
Let's go! Give me some room. Give me some room.
Check it out.
We got you a little something.
El Diablol
Now we can use that spice up our mother's marinara.
Then we'll do a little fiesta,
and afterwards, we clean you up,
you'll look like Antonio Banderas.
Hasta la vista, boys.
Ciao.
Backwater, we know we let you down.
Yeah. Sorry, man.
I know your spiritual salvation was on the line.
You going to be okay?
I think I'll be fine.
- Yeah. - Hot party, boys.
We'll see you next time.
Well, that's it.
All the stiffs have come back to life
and everybody's going home.
Yeah.
Including us.
My dad's balls are enormous.
They're like cantaloupes in a tube sock.
Fuck!
Where your house go?
Winnie?
What are you doing here?
I come to see how you like your new pad.
Where it go?
Well...
we're not really sure.
No problem.
I like you boys, especially you, Softie.
Winnie help you find you a new pad.
You just invite Winnie to the housewarming party.
Of course!
Yeah! Consider yourself officially invited!
Yeah, you can come to all of our parties!
Come on, boys! Winnie buy you breakfast.
You're so cute. Shotgun.
Hello, Softie. How are you?
Hey, where've you been, buddy?
Ballsy, come on. Let's go!
This nice lady,
she's going to buy us a new house.
And she's going to take us to breakfast.
Sausage links!
Buckle up, boys.
- So, you're familiar with Tobey Maguire, right? - Right.
You know the movies he was in,
like Spider-Man, Seabiscuit, stuff like that?
- Whatever, yeah. - All right, so look.
He's not really cool with meeting new people.
So when you meet him, just talk about his movies.
Talk about his movies, but not the movies
that no one saw, like Pleasantville and stuff.
- All right? - Yeah.
Oh, and, um, don't make direct eye-contact
because he doesn't like to meet anybody for the first time
and look him directly in the eye...
- Right, and that's... - What?
- I mean, how's that possible? - What are you talking about?
- Man, look at... Just go. - I'm sorry. Shit, my bad.
It's going to be cool because he doesn't like
anybody taller than him, so you're going to be perfect.
- That's perfect. - Yeah.