﻿1
I believe... I truthfully believe
that reality television has saved television.
I-I... you know, actors, writers,
producers, directors, agents,
we all aspire to the truth, you know.
And what greater truth is there than reality?
Even when it's scripted.
♪ Two flies in my high ♪
♪ I don't know how to get them out ♪
♪ I don't know how to freak them out ♪
♪ I don't know how to hide them ♪
♪ Two flies in my high ♪
♪ I don't know how to get them out ♪
♪ I don't know how to freak them out ♪
♪ I don't know how to hide them ♪
♪ Two flies in my high ♪
♪ I don't know how to get them out ♪
♪ I don't know how to freak them out ♪
♪ I don't know how to hide them ♪
♪ Two flies in my high ♪
♪ I don't know how to get them out ♪
♪ I don't know how to freak them out ♪
♪ I don't know how to hide them ♪
♪ Hide them, hide them hide them ♪
♪ Hide them, hide them ♪
♪ Hide them, hide them, hide them ♪
♪ Hide them, hide them ♪
♪ Hide them, hide them, hide them ♪
♪ Two flies in my high ♪
♪ I don't know how to get them out ♪
♪ I don't know how to freak them out ♪
♪ I don't know how to hide them ♪
♪ Two flies in my high ♪
♪ I don't know how to get them out ♪
♪ I don't know how to freak them out ♪
♪ I don't know how to hide them ♪
♪ Hide them, hide them hide them ♪
♪ Hide them, hide them ♪
Look at these one-touch passes.
There's no doubt Vance Carhartt is the stick
that stirs the diggers' drink this season.
Yeah! Oh!
Okay, tell me how excited you are
about the diggers possibly going to the finals.
To see this town go far, it's just...
It's the most amazing feeling in the world
and we have such an amazing team.
We are just so blessed by Jesus Christ,
and I know that he
really wants us to win state.
Um, I'm gonna change gears a little bit.
You're friends with Jaynie Hansen.
Have you spoken to her
since her father was released from prison?
Um...
I don't think I'm supposed to talk about that.
Erin, let's wrap this up.
I have to go now.
I'm telling you there's something off, Lee.
These people aren't as clueless as you think.
They've got good bullshit detectors.
Now if...
Make that when they find out what we're up to,
there's gonna be hell to pay.
- Hey, Ted. - What?
When Blanca gets here, you might not wanna act
like such a limp dick little douche.
She'll walk all over you.
Ted just couldn't handle her, you know?
He was just a little... a little wimpy,
and Lee let him have it, so he had to go.
Ugh.
Yes, I fired Ted,
if that's what you want to know.
I told him he could finish out the week.
It gave me a few days to find his replacement.
This is Margo Moorehead reporting live
outside the Culver City Courthouse,
where it looks like even more bad news
for Blanca Champion.
On the heels of her well-publicized
bout with exhaustion
come allegations of assault and battery
from John Jordan, a production assistant
on the set of hew new movie Hush Hush.
As expected, Jordan filed suit today
against Champion and Affiliated Studios.
Allegedly Champion found the green tea latte
delivered to her trailer by Jordan not to her liking.
That's when sources say Champion proceeded
to hurl the scolding hot drink at Jordan
causing second degree burns from his torso,
well, down to his more delicate regions.
In a statement released this morning,
Champion swears the beverage was only lukewarm,
which is indeed why she threw it at him
in the first place.
This is Margo reporting live...
Hey.
Wait, John, where exactly were you burned?
Can you show us again? John, just one question.
I, uh, I was starting to think
that I'd never work again.
Oh, stop it, stop it. Come on.
All right, I'm excited. Tell me about this job.
I'm serious, okay, it's a great concept
for a reality show.
Now picture this. A small border town.
The high school hockey team on a 100-year losing streak
winds up with a star forward
for the first time in the school's history,
and they got a shot at the State Championship.
Production's running a little bit behind.
They need a solid director,
and I told them you're the guy.
Underdog sports team. Kid makes good.
I like it. I knew it, I knew it!
Now get this.
The team's called the Gold Diggers.
They're from this tiny little town
called White Plains in North Dakota.
They're gonna... North Dakota?
Oh, wow.
Uh, border town kind of makes it sound like Mexico.
Uh, I don't know, Seaton. I'm from San Diego.
I think I might freeze my ass off.
Two words, Jake... Global warming.
My assistant looked it up online.
It's like Cabo up there right now.
Ohh.
When did you say your condo payment was due?
Okay, look, I know back on the ranch
getting canceled like that as tough on you.
I know, I get it, okay? Now get over it.
This will boost your confidence.
And besides, the network would really consider
this one a favor.
And actually, there's one more thing.
What?
Blanca Champion is gonna be up there with you.
Blanca Champion?
You're joking, right?
I never joke
when there's a commission involved, Jake.
Her next movie is with the network's film division,
and she's playing a reality television director
who uncovers some major political scandal.
I haven't read the script yet.
She wants to do the whole method thing.
You know, be taken seriously as an actress.
And since you and Blanca work so well together,
the network thought that she could observe you.
Work well together?
Seaton, I was her production assistant
on her first movie.
I was a glorified babysitter.
I doubt she even remembers me.
Well, she guess what?
Now only does she remember you,
she loves, loves, loves the idea.
She said this time around she could be your P.A.
Besides, with all the bad publicity
she's been getting lately,
she could use a little babysitting.
Seaton, let me get this straight.
You want me to go to a remote town
in a red state that borders Canada
with Blanca Champion pretending
to fetch people coffee?
Wait, Seaton, that's ridiculous.
I'm not that broke.
And to be honest with you, life is too short.
And how's it even possible?
You know what it's like going out in public with her.
She draws crowds like the Beatles.
No, no, no. That's the beauty, Jake.
The townspeople have signed non-disclosure agreements.
You and Blanca are gonna be in the middle of nowhere.
Only studio publicity knows about it.
And by the time the world press gets wind of it,
your show will be wrapped.
And best of all, they're gonna pay your rate.
Yeah, huh! Yeah, you're welcome.
And besides, getting out of town
might help you get over the break-up too.
Thanks for going there, Seaton.
Oh, come on, Jake.
If my fiancee left me for some dip-shit kid from survivor,
I'd jump at the chance to get out of town.
Can I bring my dog?
Yeah, I thought this would be a great thing for Jake.
You know, when your personal life
starts going to hell,
work really is the best antidote.
My name is Nik, and I am a P.A.
on the show, uh, Digger Fever.
White Plains is the kind of city
that people in Middle America make fun of.
I know that there's little kids operating machinery.
Uh, like, five-year-olds.
This is... this is a really small town.
You know, there's...
It's... it's bizarre, and, um,
that's just the way they live.
They catch their food.
They hunt it, they cook it, they eat it.
You've gotta hand it to coach Ty Carhartt
for breaking this team's long-running losing streak,
and turning this team into real contenders for State.
All right, well, that's all of it, Jaynie.
You better get home,
or your mom's gonna kill me.
And remember...
I know, I know. Vance wasn't here.
Right. Thanks.
Bye, Vance. Great game tonight.
Bye, kidlet.
Well, I'm gonna go up and try tweaking the dish.
I'll see if we can get some reception.
Um, babe, I know it's weird,
but are you sure you're okay?
I mean, with his release and everything?
I'm okay.
Some dads give interviews to Fox Sports,
and some give them to parole boards.
If the way that crew guy checked you out today
is any indicator, when the show hits the air,
you're gonna be the next Blanca Champion, baby.
Vance.
She's skanky, and blonde, and rich.
We have nothing in common.
Whoa. Not true.
You both have smokin' hot little booties.
Is that the only reason you date me? Yes.
And the fact it really pisses off my dad.
Come on. We have to close up.
Then I can focus all my attention on you.
Go fix the dish while I turn out the lights on the trails.
Okay, Roger that.
I can get the lights too. Just finish up in here.
Really. I'll do it. I'll do it.
I'll do it.
It'll take two minutes.
Hurry, please.
Couldn't wait, huh?
Very funny, Vance.
Come on, you know I hate this shit.
Vance?
Come on, Vance.
Oh.
The way that girl died is just... I don't know,
in any other town, it would...
It would raise a red flag.
And everybody here is just kind of going about
their day-to-day business.
Nobody's thinking about it like it's a big deal.
What do I think about the amount of accidents in this town?
Um, I think it's a shame to happen to all the pretty people.
I'm just kidding, that's... That's not even funny.
That's inappropriate, sorry.
♪ I'm dangerous ♪
♪ Dangerous ♪
There you go, buddy. How you doin', buddy?
I missed you. Yeah, I missed you.
Hey, you must be Jake.
I'm Greg, the production's U.P.M.
Hey, man. Nice to meet you.
How was your flight?
Uh, it was good.
It was a little windy.
Always like that around here?
Pretty much. Welcome to the north woods.
You ready to go? Yeah.
It's about a six-hour drive to White Plains from here.
I was surprised there was no other crew on the plane with me.
Most of the crew arrived the Monday before last.
It's been pretty intense here with all that's happened.
Why, what's happened?
One of the local girls just got killed
in an ATV accident.
Townfolk pretty much freaked out
when Ted, our first director,
tried to get exclusive with them about it.
Wait.
Ted, your first director?
So I'm... I'm replacing him?
Dude, those agent types aren't too big
on full disclosure, are they?
I generally tell my clients what they need to know.
And Jake needed a job, and, um... and he got it.
Shit.
Hello?
Is there somebody down there?
We're taking a poll this morning
on Good Morning White Plains, with Bob Hansen.
Hey, dude. You're up.
Hey, man.
Jake, this intersection's a good landmark.
It's exactly 39 Miles from your cabin.
The Mini-mart on the right's
where we do most of our shopping.
Is this the place?
Yeah, almost.
It's about another mile and a half down this road.
They're summer homes, mostly.
We tried to find three together,
but no such luck.
Well, the second door on the right's
your bedroom.
You're sharing this place with Lee,
our executive producer.
Did you... did you just see that?
I think I just saw a guy.
Standing out there with a mask.
Dude, you've been up what, like, 20 hours?
We're in the boonies, bro.
Oh, by the way.
Lee wants to meet you in an hour at the local diner
for a production meeting.
Uh, okay.
Um, so it's just me and Lee here?
Is he here right now?
Yeah, uh, she, and no.
She's actually sleeping at one of the other crew cabins,
but we're not supposed to know about that.
We could talk about that later.
Got map and directions.
And keys.
Peace out, brother.
Bongo, what did I just
get us into?
I... I can't.
You're gonna have to speak up.
I can't hear you.
Hello?
Sit.
Oh, piece of crap.
You must be Jake. I'm Phoebe, Lee's assistant.
We're totally excited you're here.
Jake, I'm Lee Tyson, the show's producer.
Thank you for getting here so quick.
Yeah, no problem.
Hey, it's too bad your last show got canceled.
But their loss is our gain. Am I right?
And you get your very own
celebrity P.A.
Blanca Champion, ooh... God bless her.
She has got some beautiful tits.
Yeah, mm-hmm.
No, I'm sure she'll be, um, flattered you think so.
Hey, Phoebe, do me a favor.
Will you go call the equipment house,
see where the rest of our stuff is?
Sure, I'll be right back.
Okay, look. Here's the deal.
These people think that we are here
to shoot a reality show
about their loser hockey team making good.
But some girl kills herself joyriding at night,
probably drunk
on moonshine or something.
Hey, hi. More coffee, maybe?
Someday?
Closest Starbucks is, like, 80 miles away.
I don't get it. It's ridiculous.
Thank you!
Anyway,
Everyone is all bent out of shape about this,
Except coach Carhartt, who only cares.
About winning the championship.
Now, did I mention the ex-coach, Hansen,
He's a flippin' loon who just got out of prison.
For accidentally killing his wife ten years ago.
Carhartt's son was banging Hansen's daughter.
Hansen's daughter
ends up dead.
It's fucking gold.
Wow, yeah, um, that's...
That's a lot of information.
Uh, you know, Lee, I kind of, uh, liked
the whole underdog hockey team angle.
I'm not really such a fan of messing with people's heads.
And I am telling you that I want you to go
to that high school and shoot me a fucking show
about these crazy coaches
and their beer-guzzling buddies.
Got it?
Um, I take my job pretty seriously,
and I try to do good work no matter what the show.
But talk to me like that again,
and you can book me on the next flight home.
Sorry it took so long,
it's totally freezing out there and whatnot.
There's still no cell reception.
I'll keep trying the equipment house.
Oh, here.
Thank you.
Can I help you?
What?
The townspeople are all up in my grill,
because I've got my crew asking questions
that aren't just about hockey.
I mean, give me a break.
Do these people even own a fucking television?
It's not like the show's
for the fucking nature channel people.
Seaton Brookstone's office.
Hello? Hey.
Shannon, hey, it's Jake. Is Seaton in?
Hi, Jake.
I'm having a bad time hearing you.
It's not a good connection.
I don't have Seaton right now; He's in a meeting.
Yeah, I'm sure he is.
Listen, Shannon, I...
This is the first time I've had any bars
on my phone since I landed.
Something... Something's off here,
and I really need to talk to him
before I go in and start this thing up.
Can you have him call me please?
Hello?
Shit.
Oh, over here?
Clients love, love, love
to bitch about problems on locations.
You know, "my wardrobe sucks."
You know, "my trailer's not big enough."
You know, I... I... "they're housing me in the woods."
I try not to take those calls.
By the time I return,
they've usually worked it out for themselves.
I can't believe she's coming here.
She has such beautiful hair.
You're talking like a loser, Erin.
Having these people here is just all wrong.
Are we clear?
Yes, ma'am.
My girls should not be looking up to her.
They should be looking up to me.
Blanca Champion is coming to White Plains
to do research for a movie role.
She's playing a reality TV director
who uncovers some big political scandal.
You know, I don't even want to tell you
what I saw down in that boiler room.
Doesn't that sound like a great movie?
I mean, this really is an exciting business.
♪ I wasn't born ♪
♪ I wasn't born to suffer ♪
♪ I wasn't born ♪
♪ I wasn't born to suffer ♪
I think we're crew?
Excuse me?
I'm Keir, your camera assistant.
Or at least I think so.
'Cause no one spends that much money
on sunglasses around here.
So I figured you're Jake, right?
Uh, I... I am.
Um, and I got these for free off my last show.
I was, um... I was worried
they were a bit too fancy for me.
No, you pull 'em off well.
Finally, a friendly face.
Hey,
can I talk you into maybe showing me around this place?
So, did you meet Lee?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, she's quite a lady.
And I use the term loosely.
Before we go in...
I don't mean to cross any lines,
but can I show you something?
Yeah, sure.
I'm dying to Google these people.
I don't know if you've tried yet,
but it's impossible to get on the internet up here.
I've tried the dial-up, like, 30 times,
only to get knocked off after 10 seconds.
This is the girl that died.
Jaynie, right?
Yeah.
This girl's death
was just so violent.
So you started checking into the town's history?
Hoping to find what?
I don't know.
But let's just say for a town this small,
this place has had its share of death and drama.
Left behind are Ty Carhartt and his two-year-old son Vance,
the surviving twin.
Father and son where in Whiskey River.
Picking up supplies when the accident happened.
This is Carhartt, the hockey coach?
Yep.
I mean, this is an awful story.
All of it.
But I don't really get what it has to do
with this ATV accident.
That's just it.
I don't think this was an accident.
You two have to leave.
Now.
5, 6, here we go.
Gold Diggers go!
I told you, bucket tosses.
Vance, you need to focus!
Carhartt, the hockey coach?
Yep.
We're not gonna beat Eagle Ridge
unless you show some hustle, boy.
Maybe we ought to take this practice outside.
Run a few laps.
Then you'll play like men instead of wussies.
I don't want to accuse Vance's dad
of having anything to do with these killings,
But I... I have a weird inkling that there...
There's some connection there,
because it's just bizarre the way he treats his son.
And he creeps me out in a way.
Vance, come on, come on. Move it, move it.
He is so hard on his son. It's relentless.
He makes him call him "coach," instead of "dad."
Come on, coach.
Focus!
Kid's not getting much of a morning period, huh?
Is that Luke? Luke!
Jake!
I didn't know you were on this show, man.
Thank God you're here.
These people are a bunch of freaks.
We did a show called, uh, Your Town over in Miami
a few years ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, so, uh,
What are you doing on this show? I thought you were big time.
What, come on, man.
Anywhere you are is the big time, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, so, uh, how's Stacy doing?
Uh, you know, let's, uh... Let's not even go there.
Oh, I'm sorry. That's all right.
How's the rest of your crew?
Dude, let me put it to you this way:
Our sound guy's a local hire who lives in his car.
We should get going,
because Lee's gonna get here.
And that woman, we do not want to piss off.
All right man. Good to see you. Good to see you.
Yeah, see you in a bit.
What the hell?
There he is. How you doin', man?
All right.
Jake.
Looks like you already met Keir.
This is Daphne, our story producer.
And this is Mike, your sound guy.
Hey, man, have we worked together before?
What?
Hi, Jake.
Hi.
I know it's tres geeky to say,
but I love your work.
I'm so excited you're on this project.
Back On The Ranch is my favorite show.
Was. Is.
I blogged my brains out on the fan site to bring it back.
Uh, well, thank you.
I'm glad you liked it. I did too.
All right, the only one we're missing is Nik, our P.A.,
But he went to Winnipeg to pick up Blanca.
She's arriving by helicopter.
Isn't that cool?
Yeah, that's very cool.
Look, I was the first one here.
So if you want the back story on anyone,
cast or crew, come to me.
Hi, Daphne!
Is she here yet?
Almost.
That's Erin, the head cheerleader.
She's very excited to meet Blanca.
Hey, excuse me for a second, Daphne.
Um, Luke, can we, uh, go ahead and set up
for an interview?
I want to talk to that kid Vance.
Daphne, can you, um, sit in?
We gotta get a frame for these confessionals.
No problem. Good.
Right here. Good.
I wonder where Miss Falls is.
She's kind of a tyrant with the girls before games.
Daphne?
Best moment of this season?
Um...
Okay, yeah, I guess it was, um,
looking at the sidelines when we beat Riverdale,
and, uh,
seeing Jaynie.
You know, she was just hootin' and hollerin'.
You know, and...
Whatever happened to Jaynie out there
wasn't an accident, okay?
And...
I want people to know.
Someone...
Some monster did that to her.
I don't know who.
But, um, I'm gonna find 'em.
I gotta go.
Hey.
What would you say if I told you I saw someone watching me
from the woods this morning, in a mask?
I'd say you sounded paranoid,
and, uh, I am buying you a stiff drink tonight, my friend.
Blanca... Blanca...
Blanca Champion, wow.
Oh, I'm really excited to meet Blanca Champion.
I'd say we have a pretty unique connection.
I mean, how many guys can say that they've
carried all 28 pieces of her luggage?
She's, uh... she's very, uh...
I don't know how to say this.
I held her hand.
Well, I blocked her hand.
Yeah, she was... She was trying to hit me.
I... it was my fault. I made a mistake.
But yeah, I mean, we're pretty close.
I'd say "high maintenance," in a really good way.
She's charming, she's funny, she works the room.
You know, she's the master at the grand entrance.
I can't even begin to believe this.
♪ You spin around ♪
♪ Around yeah yeah ♪
♪ Around around ♪
♪ Around around around ♪
♪ Love's a boomerang ♪
♪ It's a boomerang ♪
♪ Yeah love's a boomerang ♪
♪ A boom boom boomerang ♪
♪ A boomerang ♪
♪ Yeah it's a boomerang ♪
♪ Love's a boomerang ♪
♪ A boom boom boomerang ♪
Okay, I... I'll be right back.
Okay.
Hi, Blanca.
Hi, Scooby! Hi.
Hi.
Um,
What the hell are you wearing?
I was told to dress sexy.
By who? Seaton?
You look like Punky Brewster with hypothermia.
It's being handled, right, sweetheart?
Handled.
Miss Champion, I am so excited to meet you.
I... I... I am your biggest fan.
Um, you are a personal hero to me.
Do you think you can sign this, please?
Sure, sweetie.
Um, I know it's none of my business,
but you two were so close.
Uh, why were you fighting?
Because she's a cunt.
Okay.
Uh, excuse us for a second.
We're just gonna...
I'm a big fan too.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Have a little, uh, talk, shall we?
- Okay! - Easy, Scooby.
You're turning me on.
Yeah, please don't call me Scooby.
Okay, okay, okay.
Hey, buddy.
Um, would you mind excusing us for a second?
Hey, sexy.
I like the way those shorts
cup your little ass.
It's delicious.
Blanca.
Do you even remember me?
I'm sorry, are we in the boys locker room?
It stinks in here. Bleh!
Yeah, no, I know this isn't, uh, exactly ideal,
but I hear if we make it through the next few weeks
on our best behavior, we're gonna score
big bonus points with the studio.
Ooh, what's best behavior?
Well, it's probably, uh, not using the "c" word.
In front of small-town cheerleaders.
Oh, God.
They're dealing with some heavy shit around here.
A local girl recently got killed in an accident,
so the people are pretty shook up.
All right, whatever.
Okay, you know what? I get it.
Don't worry, Jake.
I remember how nice you used to be to me.
People don't really tell me how it is these days.
And I'm serious about this movie research stuff, okay?
I'm sick of playing dopey teenagers.
I have to nail this.
We're cool.
All right.
Oh, hey, and, um,
it's kind of... Kind of cold in here.
So you may want to rethink the whole mini-skirt thing.
Fuck off. Okay, nice. Very nice.
Jaynie Hansen's death, um...
You know, where I'm from, you get a cut, a scrape,
A broken leg is considered an accident.
What happened to her,
I don't think that was an accident.
Jaynie's dad has always scared the hell out of me,
to be honest.
♪ Everybody loves you that way ♪
Where are we even going, anyways?
And I can't believe this is the crew Van.
So lame.
It's the only thing we'd all fit in.
Besides, it's a low-budget show.
The school let us use this for free.
Look, guys, if this is what the kids were talking about,
then this is the story to follow.
Everyone we've talked to has brought up this Hansen guy.
Jake's right.
I mean this town's more interested in this girl's death
than anything else.
Does anyone know how long
this guy's been out of prison?
Less than a month. It's a big deal around here.
I saw a picture of Hansen's dead wife at the school.
Very pretty.
Oh, lucky us. A predator round-up.
Is that what they do for fun
here in cat piss, North Dakota?
Hey, do I need to remind you
that I'm on a 10-hour schedule,
and I don't do overtime?
Okay. Thanks, Mike.
Nice watch, by the way.
Hey, dude, why don't you sell that thing
so you don't have to live in your trailer?
I like living in my camper. Is that okay with you?
Whatever, loser.
Nik, do you have any idea where this cabin is?
Erin said we can't miss it.
Should be just off the lake.
♪ Everybody loves you that way ♪
Hansen was supposedly devastated,
but Carhartt testified
that he saw Hansen and his wife
fighting in the school parking lot hours before her death.
That got him sent away,
and left the coaching job open,
which went to Carhartt.
Hansen's lawyer found some evidence
that got him released on an appeal.
But, as you can imagine,
after ten years in a North Dakota jail,
still pretty angry.
Hello?
Coach Hansen?
Ooh, I guess the pretty wife kind of settled.
Hi, um, my name's Jake Tanner.
And, um, we're in town shooting a show...
I know what you're up to.
Wash my thoroughly
from my inequity and cleanse me from my sin.
Against thee, the only,
have I sinned and done
that which is evil in thy sight.
This guy is fucking scary as shit.
I'm just gonna put this microphone on you
right here, okay?
Get the hell out of here.
I didn't invite you here. This is private property.
I said get the hell out!
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay. Sorry.
All of you.
We didn't mean to bother you.
We don't want any trouble.
What about my microphone?
I'm billing production.
That reality TV crew should have been
following me around, you know?
While they were out talking
to Jaynie Hansen's crazy dad,
I was finding the cheerleading coach's body
all mangled in the wood shop.
Now that would have made for some great television, you know?
I took some footage with my camera phone
if you guys want to buy it though.
I don't give a fuck who she is, her agent...
Wait a minute, that asshole is your agent too, isn't he?
Yeah, well, he made me pay her as a P.A.
while she does her research.
So guess what that means?
She needs to work
like a fucking P.A.,
so this is how it's going to go.
As long as she is on my payroll...
Remember this... will do.
I wanna know when she naps
where she naps, and how long she naps.
You're gonna write it down and deduct it from her paycheck.
Got it?
Lee, why don't you give her a break?
She traveled all night.
That's just great, Jake.
What do you want to do, give her a fucking bottle,
and change her diapers too?
Blanca Champion...
All you can think to yourself is
"why can't this girl just get her hands
on some decent conditioner?"
Just wash it.
I don't get it.
Can you explain it?
I didn't really know what to expect,
uh, with Lee.
She's... she's... she's a bitch.
She's a super-bitch, actually.
Um, we're all trying to kind of deal with her,
because she's our boss.
But, um, yeah, there's no other word for Lee.
Lee doesn't really get along with anyone
who isn't Lee.
Mister?
Hey, what's up, buddy?
I heard what Vance said to you before.
He's right.
Mike, I think... I think we're good.
Just doing my job, man.
It wasn't an accident.
Okay, I'm listening.
Jaynie used to take me cross-country skiing there
all the time.
She knew that place.
I heard something when I was leaving that night.
But I didn't do nothing.
You know what I think?
I think you're one brave little guy.
For telling me that.
I'm gonna do some asking around.
- Cool? - Cool.
Come on.
You know, if... uh, you know...
If you... if you wanna nap in...
Uh, the bed in my camper is, uh...
It's a lot more comfortable than in here.
I'm fine here, fuck face, but thanks.
Lee. You home?
Ah, hey, buddy.
What are you doing?
Yeah, you wanna go outside, don't you?
All right.
All right, come on. Come on, bongo.
Holy shit.
Oh, Jesus Christ. You scared the hell out of me.
Don't go digging up shit you don't know nothin' about.
- I'm sorry, what? - You heard me.
It's a small town. We all talk to each other.
I don't care to hear
none of the shit coach Hansen is spinnin'.
He's an ex-con.
And a murderer.
Are we clear?
Yeah.
We're clear.
Jesus Christ.
Oh, wow, uh...
Jesus, sorry.
Nice timing, douche bag.
Um, we were just gonna go get a beer and whatnot.
You should totally come.
Okay.
You're so bad.
I have that extra sense, you know?
Like, I can smell blood a mile away.
I knew something was rotten in Bismarck.
Sheriff says she was in there for hours before I found her.
Has anyone told her husband?
Ah, he's down state on a timber run.
I tried him on the CB, but no luck.
Who you guys talking about?
There was a... An accident up at the school.
Miss Falls,
the cheerleading coach.
It was her, uh, digger spirit
that finally did her in.
She's dead.
Decapitated.
Heart beatless.
I get it. That's awful.
How often do these accidents happen?
Now, what's that supposed to mean?
A wood shop is a very dangerous place.
These kind of things just happen every so often.
It's a part of life.
Look, uh,
what do you say we cut out of here?
Let's go for a midnight swim.
I'd say "hell yeah."
I'll get our coats.
No good can come of you staying here.
You have brought evil to our town.
The likes of which we've never seen.
Mark my words and leave now.
Consider yourselves warned.
All of you.
Hey!
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Come on, man.
Jesus.
Guess it's safe to say they don't like us being here.
No, I don't think they do.
No, no, no, don't any of you listen to that crackpot.
He's a drunk.
He's jealous 'cause he wants to be on TV.
He'll get over it.
- You think so? - Yes.
We just need to get our show in the can and move on.
Now, wrap it up, we got an early morning call.
I guess now isn't a good time to mention
they found Miss Fall's body
at the school?
There was another accident.
You know what, all this fucking town has
is screechy old men with crusty mitts,
and perverts.
Let's get the hell out of here.
Crazy shit, dude.
Man, I've done a lot of shows where they picketed us,
Seattle.
They didn't want us there. But this... this place, man...
You'd think they don't even want an economy.
I mean, they just want to, you know, sit around,
and, you know, eat elk.
And the ex-coach, he looks like the villain
from the Scooby-Doo cartoons.
Weird.
Honestly, what I'd like to know
is where the fuck my crew was
when that chalupa was finding her body
in the wood shop.
Probably asking some little kid
about the thrill of victory.
I don't know how often out here
women using heavy industrial equipment have accidents.
So I don't know if that's normal or not.
But in my book, uh, that's three shades of weird.
Did you hear this?
Blanca Champion has gotten herself into trouble...
For the last time, I don't know
where the damn camera stuff is.
It never arrived.
Oh, will you just zip your pie hole?
I can't call the network and tell them that
$30,000 worth of equipment is M.I.A.
It is not okay to talk to me like that.
I did not sign on for this totally deceptive job
and whatnot.
And why can't you just give the network the show they ordered?
It's a totally better show.
Because no one wants to watch a show
about some wittle hockey team.
They'd much rather watch a show
about a bloodthirsty convict out for revenge.
That is why.
- Can I ask you something? - What?
Did you seduce me because you thought
it would keep me quiet?
Because that was a total miscalculation.
Well, I think that
you're gonna keep quiet.
You know why?
If you don't,
I will cancel your plane ticket home.
I will drive you out into the woods,
and I will leave you there.
You wouldn't do that to me.
You can try me.
Now we can continue to play nice or not.
The choice is yours, Phoebe.
You're a real coose.
And an awful boss.
As long as these guys play digger hockey,
and keep focused on the game,
there's not gonna be any stopping them.
Look, I only got two hours before the next game.
I got things to do.
Come on.
Hey, is the, uh...
Is the coach mic'd?
I'm having trouble hearing him.
No, he's not mic'd.
We left his out at the crazy guy's shack, remember?
Well, we gotta have this guy mic'd
before the playoff games.
Well then I suggest you send somebody
out there to get it.
Okay.
I'm sending you. Yeah, I could do that.
Except is there anybody else here that, uh,
Can wire a P.A. system?
Anybody else here that can run play-by-play?
It'll take me about an hour and a half.
So that's a perfect amount of time
for you to go do it yourself.
Okay. Go rig your P.A.
But, hey, do me a favor?
Um, let's cut out this whole smug asshole thing.
'Cause it's really working my last nerve, okay?
Okay.
Sorry, boss.
Mother fucker.
Nik.
A production assistant
on a show like this, um...
You're basically like bus boy's assistant.
Well, does this suck ass?
Mm-hmm!
Am I getting paid nearly enough to do it?
No fucking way.
Hmm.
Coach?
Hey, um...
I'm really sorry to bother you,
but, uh, we need to get that microphone back
from earlier today.
I thought...
you might have it in there.
Hello?
Don't be a puss.
Look, uh, coach, I just
really wanted to apologize,
uh, about earlier today.
Oh, shit!
What the fuck?
What the fuck is...
Blanca's hitting on all the cute little boys,
uh, in the school,
and taking them away
from the little cheerleader girls.
These days, it doesn't seem
that Erin cares for Blanca too much.
Uh, I believe she called her a...
A "cocaine-fueled gutter slut."
Also, she needs to stop telling people
that I'm overweight.
I thought someone had mistakenly told her
that my name was Ella.
Turns out, she's doing it on purpose.
"Ella" is short for elephant.
Tonight's student council screening of Buckets,
starring Blanca Champion,
has been canceled until further notice.
I need to talk to you.
Excuse me!
Get your hands off me, chunk!
I weigh 110 pounds. That's not fat.
I have tried to be as nice as I know how.
That's over.
I'm giving you this warning:
Stay away from Vance, or I'm going to get my cousins
to go to your cabin,
and have them hog tie you and weigh you.
Capiche?
You know what?
Screw this! I don't need this bullshit.
This fucking method acting crap.
110 pounds my ass!
Listen up, you little pissher,
I don't give a shit if you're losing me.
This is important.
It is the first time that I've had reception
since I've been out here.
You tell Seaton
if he still wants me as a client,
he will get me on the next god damn plane
out of here, okay?
Do you hear me? Hello?
Can you hear me now?
Fuckity-fuck fuck fuck!
Thanks a lot, man. All right, no problem.
All right, when's desperate the sound elf coming back?
I feel like an idiot. Blanca.
All right, we got five minutes until game time.
Is Nik back with that microphone?
He's not, and if... There's no way to reach him.
And Lee said if he doesn't get here in five,
he's fired.
Whoa, that's a little harsh, huh?
And where's Mike?
Mike!
I'm right here. The P.A. system is rigged.
All right, good.
Let's get ready to shoot.
♪ Wrap me up in velvet ♪
♪ Velvet baby ♪
♪ I wanna live forever ♪
Vance's game this season
has been nothing
short of a phenomenon.
Shot.
Goal!
The state championship is just a bus ride away
for the Gold Diggers.
- Any sign of Nik? - Nope.
God, that's so weird.
Oh, hey, coach.
Great game tonight.
Hey, listen. Can I ask you a favor?
Favors aren't really my specialty.
That's funny.
Hey, look, I... I noticed you had a treadmill
upstairs in the gym.
Would you mind if I grabbed a quick workout?
You know, I like your dedication, boy.
More people should make fitness a priority.
We're clearing out, so...
just make sure to lock the doors when you leave.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, hey, excuse me, coach stick-up-your-ass,
do you think that I might massage your penis
for a few minutes so that I too might get a workout?
Is it hard being such a douchebag all the time?
Uh, no.
No, I actually kind of like it.
Loser.
Luke for Daphne.
Go ahead, Luke.
Was the Tahoe ever supposed to be used
as a cast car?
Not that I know of.
Phoebe handled all the rentals, why?
It's just I found a lipstick camera
rigged in the back seat, and I didn't put any
lipstick cameras on the equipment order.
And this is the second one I've found.
I didn't know this show had that kind of surveillance.
I didn't think so either.
I'll ask.
Copy that.
Hello? I'm still up here!
Oh, what the hell, man?
Hello?
Whoa.
What the fuck? Who are you, man?
Ow!
Oh, fuck!
Oh!
Cops here are actually
pretty laid back
about actually, um,
working.
The cops in White Plains aren't like
the cops you see in the movies.
I mean, they like doughnuts and all,
but they're not really into, like,
answering the phone or investigating.
Try the local bar.
It seems to be their headquarters.
Big time Hollywood ho.
Have a lovely day.
What'd she say?
Hey, I meant to ask, did you guys
pre-rig the cars with cameras before we got up here?
Can we please not talk about work for a second?
I need a break from this show and this town.
And, um, mm, more liquor.
Hey, any sign of Greg or Nik?
Nope, I thought they'd be here already.
Yeah?
Hello?
Hey, sugarpuss!
Hi, see me standing here with moolah in my hand?
No? Yes?
Hi!
Hello, how are you?
Any of you lovely ladies want a shot of tequila?
Mm, I'd like a shot.
That a girl.
Looks like Miss Champion
found herself another victim.
Okay, to the super-star hockey player.
Well, to the super-hot actress/model.
Okay, I've been called worse. But, whatever.
Mm.
So, um,
I heard you were kind of close to that girl that died.
Sorry, the cheerleaders were talking,
and the microphone picks everything up.
Which is something I need to remember
next time I bag on the crew.
Yeah, I guess, um...
I guess you can say this went from being
the best year of my life to the worst in,
you know, a blink.
I'm really sorry.
You know, it gets better.
My dad died when I was 14,
and I thought I would never get over it.
I mean, it doesn't go away,
but it gets easier.
Promise?
Yeah.
Isn't he a little young for her?
Is it still illegal
if it's a boy?
I heard she slept with that P.A. who sued her.
And then she got tired of him,
treated him like garbage,
until finally, he had enough.
See, that's how rumors get started.
What, you saying it's not true?
Well, I think the press likes to paint Blanca
as the bad girl.
And I think sometimes
she feels obligated to live up
to those expectations.
Oh, Phoebe, you've gone from zero
to Tara Reid in 60 seconds.
Let's just say this show's all about
firsts and lasts,
and whatnot.
I hate to be a buzz kill,
but, uh, I'm calling it a night.
All right, do me a favor,
and just be careful, please.
Okay.
I... I love... Love being on location, but...
Well, here's the thing:
I like to smoke a lot of chuddies,
and, uh, that can make one
a little bit paranoid.
So, uh,
the place is kind of creeping me out, man.
I'm ready for it to be over.
This town gives me the swingin' icks.
Hello?
I'm so glad I got through.
Oh, my God, I can't even begin
to believe this.
I haven't had reception for days.
It's so good to hear your voice.
Finally, I've been trying forever.
I was starting to get worried.
How's it going?
Uh, I need a margarita
and a Palm Springs weekend
like you wouldn't believe.
Kathy?
Oh, damn it.
♪ To be the hero ♪
♪ But I know what it's like ♪
♪ To be loved by you ♪
Greg, are you okay?
You been out here long?
Freeze to death.
Greg?
You stoned again?
Oh, my God!
No, no!
No, I promise! I promise I won't tell!
Please, please, please, please!
No, no, no! I won't... please!
Oh, my God!
Please, please, please!
What do you mean, she didn't come home?
She wasn't in her bed
when I woke up.
I thought maybe she got lucky.
With who, Blanca?
We watched her leave alone.
I can't believe you didn't wake me up
when you saw that.
You know what, I thought maybe she hooked up with you.
I caught her checking my ass out a couple times.
All right, both of you get off my hump.
I told you as soon as I got up.
Uh, hey, Jake, coach says you have
to be on the ice in ten minutes,
or you won't be allowed on at all.
Sorry.
Where is the rest of your crew?
You know what, Lee,
I'd like to know the same thing.
Something's really wrong here. Luke is never late.
I don't feel so good.
Oh, Phoebe, pull it together.
Fuck you, Lee.
What again?
Oh, my God.
Jake, you've got about five minutes to get on that ice.
We don't have a show without this game.
Well, what do you want me to do, Lee?
Three quarters of my crew is missing.
Like I told the last guy,
you're the director, figure it out.
Sure thing, bitch.
I'm sorry, what was that?
You know what, Lee? I called you a bitch.
I'm beginning to understand why
the first director only lasted a few days.
Keir, can you mix audio?
I can try.
Okay, Blanca, I'm going to need you to hold the boom pole.
Oh, my God.
I'm so gonna fucking kill my acting coach.
You know what?
You do not talk to me that way.
In front of the crew.
You finish out the day.
After that, you're fired.
That's fine, Lee.
You know, I've worked with some really difficult people
in my career, but you are a whole 'nother breed.
And you know what else?
Nice job sleeping with your assistant.
It's very classy.
Hey, by the way,
too bad your fiancee wasn't on the show, Jake.
I could have banged her
before she moved on to the cast.
You try getting another job with affiliated.
You're finished.
We need to comb this school,
and find that missing stuff.
You can't hide monitors that size in a suitcase.
You are the one who will go down for this.
This isn't Bewitched, Lee.
I can't just wiggle my nose, and make stuff appear
and whatnot.
Just try to keep an eye on things here,
if you can.
I'm gonna go get the rest of the crew.
One of those morons is getting promoted to director.
Go.
Gotcha.
Holy shit.
What the fuck?
Because no one wants to watch a show
about some wittle hockey team.
Oh, my God.
Am I being punked?
I thought they canceled that show.
Ashton!
What the fuck?
Ah!
We just wanna go on record here
that a bunch of our crew members
are missing.
Um, and Lee wants us to shoot anyway.
But as soon as this is over,
we're gonna go find them.
Tell your camera guy
I didn't appreciate him leaving the treadmill
and the lights on all night.
I am shocked
at you people's disrespect.
No good deed goes unpunished, huh, Hollywood?
Sorry, coach. That's not usually like him.
Ah.
The bus leaves tomorrow morning
at 5:30 A.M. for Fargo.
It waits for no one.
Vance, come on. Let's go.
Blanca, help Keir grab some of this stuff.
Why?
Could you just help us pack up this stuff, please?
Jeez, bitch.
And they say I'm difficult.
Phoebe, should we wait for you?
Oh, I gotta get the releases for tomorrow's game.
And stop by the mini mart.
I'll meet you guys back at the crew cabin, okay?
All right. Be careful.
Luke? Nick?
Um, you guys?
Hello?
- Oh, phone's dead. - Shocking!
Doesn't look like Luke slept in his bed last night.
And you're right,
'cause Daphne's bed hasn't been slept in.
It doesn't make any sense. Where the hell's her truck?
Oh, my God!
Fucking shit!
Oh, my God.
Don't touch it!
Is that Mike's watch?
Oh, my God. What is it holding?
It's the fucking microphone
that we lost at the cabin.
He must have went back to go get it.
Ew.
Oh, my God, that fucking sick coach
must have cut his hand off!
We gotta call the cops!
Okay, guys, guys, guys. Calm down, calm down.
Check your phones.
Do you have any signal?
Keir, check your phone.
Blanca. Blanca, check your phone.
No signal, nothing. I have nothing.
What is this?
What is that freaky mask? Who is this?
Who cares?
Somebody is out there who thinks it's okay
to chops people's hands off.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
That's Daphne.
What?
I know that sign.
That's out by coach Hansen's cabin.
We gotta get out there.
Guys, we gotta go.
She could still be alive, come on.
Come on!
I can't even begin to believe this.
Hey, why are we stopping here?
Okay, listen, I'm gonna go check out the site.
I need you guys to stay here,
and try to get in touch with the cops, okay?
I saw an old CB radio in the principal's office.
Tell them to meet me by the predator round-up sign
by Hansen's cabin.
O... okay, so you're just gonna go hang with the fucking killer?
Look, we gotta get back on the highway and keep driving.
I hate to break this to you guys,
But that girl is probably dead.
And what if she's not, Blanca?
What if Nik and Luke and Greg need our help too?
How are we even gonna get in there?
Here, take these. They gave them to me.
Jake, I'm going with you.
Wait, wait, wait, I'm not going in there by myself.
Well... all right, fine. You're coming with us, then.
Well, both of those choices suck.
Well, Blanca, please pick one.
Ugh!
Fine, fine, I'll... I'll stay here.
But I'm taking your dog so you have to come back for me.
We are gonna come back for you.
Just go find that CB radio, and get us some help.
And hey, hey. Take this.
Hello?
You guys got any laxatives?
I haven't shit for weeks.
Hello?
Son of a bitch.
If you'd like to make a call,
Please hang up and try again.
Anyone here?
Coach?
Who's back there?
Is that you, Phoebe?
Is that thing still up there? That thing in the mask?
Mask? Are you on drugs?
We've gotta get out of here.
Run, run!
- Just calm down. - Run!
Just a sec...
Get in the car.
Get in the car, get in the car!
Get in!
This better not be some kind of hijinks
for this television show.
There was a guy in there in a mask with an axe.
And he tried to kill me.
Kill you?
You're talking
like some kind of crazy...
Hello?
Hello, is anybody there? This is an emergency.
Anyone? Is anybody there?
This is an emergency.
Anyone?
Bongo.
What are you barking at?
Daphne!
What the fuck is that?
What?
Holy shit.
Okay, let's get out of here.
- Ow! - Fuck!
Keir, we're not gonna be able to move this thing.
Bongo!
Where are you going?
God!
Bongo!
Look, I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna get help. I promise I'm gonna get help.
I'll be right back, okay? I promise you.
Okay, okay. I promise I'll be right back, okay?
Okay.
Fuck! Fuck!
Holy shit!
Blanca?
What are you...
What are you doing down here?
How long have you been down here for?
I snuck in when that mean lady came down here.
And then it came in.
What do you mean "it came in."
It who?
He's been watching you through those cameras.
He's been watching that.
Oh, my God.
You saw him do this to her?
Okay, we're gonna go. Come on.
I'm gonna get us out of here. Let's go.
This way's the quickest.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
All right. We got to go, come on.
Okay, okay. Come here.
Listen to me. I want you to stay right here.
I'm going to get us out of here.
I have to get these keys.
I promise I'll come right back, okay?
Shit!
Little boy, come here!
Blanca!
Listen to me, I'm stuck.
Listen, I need you to run.
Just start running as fast as you can
until you find somebody that you trust, okay?
And tell them we need help.
Tell them that... That Jake and Keir
are at coach Hansen's cabin and they need help.
I promise I will find you. Just go.
Go!
Blanca?
Who the fuck are you?
Oh, my God.
Holy shit. Oh, my God.
Okay, okay.
Get off of me!
Who are you?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. It's you.
Look, I can explain.
And... and... and... Stop, stop, stop!
If you'd just listen to me.
If you'll just listen to me.
You'll love me as much as I love you.
Don't you realize that I've done this all for us?
For you?
If those other people would have found out,
they would have stopped it.
I'm the only one that really cares about you.
Did you care about the people in the video?
They were gonna tell.
That girl and her cheerleading coach.
They found my room. You can understand, right?
I already started. I couldn't stop.
Get your fucking hands off her.
I went through a bunch of trouble
to make this fucking show for you.
You're gonna watch it with me.
I've already seen it. It's a piece of shit!
You said you wanted the opportunity
to be taken seriously as an actress.
And I gave you that opportunity.
Because, believe me, people are gonna
take you seriously now,
because you should see your face.
You look really fucking scared.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
It's okay.
Hey.
How you feeling?
Oh, this has pretty much been the worst job
I've ever had.
How's your leg?
Uh, it hurts.
But, uh, I'll be fine.
Vance and Connor found me.
Got Blanca to thank for that.
How is she holding up?
Uh, as well as could be expected.
God, imagine what the press
is gonna do with this thing?
And what about Mike?
Mike's description matches the police report
of a recently escaped mental patient.
So who knows what to believe?
Is it worth it?
What?
Being so famous?
I'll get back to you on that one.
Authorities say
a grisly series of murders took place
all in an effort to impress Hollywood starlet.
Blanca Champion.
Champion's involvement with, of all things,
a reality television crew...
Hold on a second.
Wait, what is that?
It's a bullet-proof vest.
What do I think of what actually happened in White Plains?
My God, I thought it was tragic.
It was... it was just tragic.
And on the other hand,
it was some of my client's best work.
You know?
But what are you gonna do? What can you do?
We did send flowers.
Not just Blanca.
We sent them to families of the dead people too.
You know, I always knew that sound guy was creepy.
I mean, it doesn't take that much time
to hook a microphone to a bra strap.
I was trying to be professional,
but there's a limit.
Mike, I don't quite understand why
he's so obsessed with Blanca Champion,
to be completely honest with you.
Um, but no, I mean, hey,
listen, uh, I think he should have just written a letter.
I think that would have been...
I think that would have been fine.
I think that would have sort of
gotten the point across.
If you're asking me, it was tough love.
But it was love.
After the killing spree, a local station in Minnesota
offered me a spot co-hosting their morning show.
I also received an offer from the Christian Teen Network.
But my agent Seaton thought that was, you know,
just embarrassing.
Seaton thinks Jesus is overrated.
I'd like people to know that the reason.
Blanca threw that hot latte at my crotch
was because she caught me setting up a camcorder
to record our next little bonefest.
She wasn't too happy about that.
Uh, from what the cops told me,
Mike escaped the mental institution
by swiping some sort of pills that,
once taken, uh,
diminish your vital signs to a point where
they're almost undetectable.
And, um, I guess he used the same trick,
And he had, like, a bullet-proof vest.
I mean this guys is... Was, like...
Seriously knew what he was doing, covered all his bases.
Pshh... went right over my head. I had no idea.
Mike, the sound guy, is a pain in the ass.
Do I think Blanca was surprised, uh, when she won the Emmy?
I think she was totally surprised.
Yeah, absolutely.
I wasn't. Fuck no.
God, I... I saw the d... dailies, and the network knew it.
I mean, she hit it out of the park.
And thank God that, uh, crazy sound guy
left the security cameras rolling,
because the... that Emmy really drove up her quota.
I mean, I'm getting 5 million bucks
for her to do Hush, Hush 2.
Vance, uh, I don't know, for...
I'm really glad, but, uh...
For some reason, has some sort of a, uh,
bottle opener/bear trap opener on his key chain.
Uh, I've been opening bear traps since I was a kid.
So it really wasn't that big of a deal.
Did I... did I get the message from Jake
about finding the hand in the refriger... yeah.
Well, I was, uh, trying to listen to it,
but I was getting on a plane at L.A.X.,
and Hillary Clinton and the fucking Secret Service
had taken over the Lieutenant's Club.
So I was out with the masses.
And it's just ear-splitting in that terminal.
I don't know how you people do it.
Affiliated, uh, has hired me.
TO Direct, uh, Hush, Hush Part Two,
which, we all know, is Blanca Champion's next film.
What's next for me is, uh...
I'm actually playing the character of Jake
in the film version of the White Plains massacre.
It was Blanca's idea.
And my lawyer's.
I'm fairly certain that Blanca chick wants me.
I'm beginning to think this workout
wasn't such a bright idea.
Uh, when Jake asked me to, uh,
go to coach Hansen's house in the middle of the night,
I think...
My first reaction was I think
I threw up a little in the back of my mouth.
Okay, can we wrap this thing up?
'Cause I gotta take Montana Moorehead
to the Daisy Awards tonight, and I never keep
a client waiting, so...
♪ So wrap me up in velvet ♪
♪ Velvet baby ♪
♪ I wanna live forever ♪
♪ I want to be immortalized ♪
♪ Velvet baby ♪
♪ And he's trying hard to capture ♪
♪ The little bits ♪
♪ Of immortality ♪