(LOAN MOANING)
(KELLY CRIES OUT)
(LAUGH)
KELLY: Hurry up, hurry up! < br /> KEITH: It's as fast as I can go.
KELLY: slower, slower! KEITH: Sooner or later ?? Make your mind.
KELLY: Oh. No, it's not there. No!
(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)
KEITH: Oh, sorry I don't mean to put it there. </ P>
They are so close, right? </ P>
(KELLY WHIMPERS)
KEITH: just lie on your back Behind you .
Good.
(MANY MOANING)
(BOTH CRY OUT)
- KEITH: I will blow me nuts! /> - (KELLY SCREAMING)
Wahey! </ P>
(SIGHS LOUDLY) Thank you for allowing me seagull your beautiful bangers
The icing on the cake. That's beautiful.
(SIGHS)
(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)
Keith?
Yes & apos; p> or very handsome...
Yes I know.
That's because I have a good personality, right?
But I'm handsome is the faculty though, innit?
Ooh, yeah. I mean, from of course, this is the faculty.
You know, my knee trembling with lust every time I approach you
Are they & apos;?
You are a type of hunky sex god I've been searching all my life,
A man I always hope I marry.
- honest & apos ;? - OK
- Not really. - Eh?
Pria yang selalu saya harap saya nikahi.
- jujur ​​'? - baiklah
- Tidak juga. - Eh?
Everything I say comes out from your dirty thoughts.
You don't honestly think I'll let you seagull my bangers in real life, right?
- Yeah. - This is a dream.
Your boyfriend is standing there watching over us.
- Hiya, Keith - Rosie!
Oh, it's okay, I don't mind Kelly Brook's wave hitter.
He's one of you "if you can" top three celebrities
- Plus, you will never see him. - He is right.
You will never meet me.
He is right, you know & apos ;? You will never meet him.
It's all just a dream.
British garage sensation Craig David,
- out of my dream - (LAUGH EVILLY)
(GASPS)
(TRAIN HORN BLOWS)
(UK GARAGE TUNE PLAYS ON RADIO)
(FARTS) (SIGHS)
(STOPS MUSIC )
(BLEEPING RINGTONE)
Hello & apos?
- Hiya, Keith This is Rosie. - Hello? </ p >
- I can't hear you - (LAUGHS) Keith ?? This is Rosie.
- I don't have me in. - Keith, what do you do it?
- Just wait for me. - (STATIC) What did you enter?
Fine, that thing entered. Hello, who is that? </ P>
This is Rosie. </ P>
Rosie, this is Keith. I just dreamed about you. </ P>
Ah... is it it's a romantic dream?>
Yes, I see the sea from your bangers.
Aw...
- I love you. - Yes I know.
Say it later.
I am you too
I miss it
I'm back tomorrow.
And, anyway, Rosie, who else can mashed potato sandwiches like you & apos?
Is that good
(COUGHS)
(MUFFLED) I have it for me to breakfast now
This is the best mashed potato sandwich I have had life inside me.
Look, I have to be here t & apos; lnvention thing, right?
This will take Securipole to a higher plateau
This time, Rosie, this is this time.
- So what time do you have to be there & apos ?; - 9:00
And what time is it now? </ P>
It's 10:00. </ P>
Ass fucked! </ P>
I, oh, it's too late! </ P>
(FAVORITE SHIRTS [BOY MEETS GIRL] WITH HAIRCUT ONE HUNDREDS TO PLAY)
Bang neat...
Match.
Okay, the reason I have set tonight's company dinner tonight
is to tell both of you, in two and a half days from now,
I'm going to t & apos; Big Apple.
New York?
No, other Big Apple, London.
It's time to master Securipole globally. </ P>
America, Australia, maybe even Torquay. </ P>
Why do you want to go to London now? when we just prepared & apos; / p>
Don't you think we should try and sell a few poles around here first,
and then, you know, grow slowly & apos;?
Rosie , the only it will grow slowly
is a big, fat tallywacker in your mouth
Saat kita membuat cinta yang manis. (LAUGHS)
I always want to go to London,
But I dad said it might be that I would be stabbed
No, that's impossible.
- Or messed up - That won't happen
Or be screwed and stabbed.
- By a terrorist. - That might happen
Dan, Douglas, while I was away, took care of Rosie,
I made you the main person. You will be me
Rosie, don't worry < br /> While I'm down in London,
I won't see another bird, no matter how FAF they are.
"FAF"?
KEITH: Fit as Fuck.
- (MAN WHISTLES) - I will go the ball far above that.
- MAN 1: Phwoar! - MAN 2: Hang out bagian belakang itu.
VOICE: Orders. Are you really honored Gentlemen please calm down?
Taxi!
Oi!
Thank thank you so much for allowing me share your black London taxi.
It doesn't matter.
I have to say it my favorite Spice Girls.
Ah, I'm sure you said that for all Spice Girls, right? </ P>
No, I'm not. I've never met any Spice Girls. </ P >
Oh.
Uh... this is me
Oh, don't you pay I'll get this Don't worry about that.
p>
Not every day you meet your favorite Spice Girls, right?
Okay thank you. Applause.
- Ta-ta < br /> - See you later
South Bank, please Oh!
Don't worry.
I have to say my favorite Spice Girls.
I'm sure you said that to all Spice Girls.
No , I've never met the Spice Girls.
Alright, I just met with Baby.
- good Emma. - Yeah, Emma Bunt -on.
So, let me tell you a little about myself. I sell Securipoles.
And say what, because you are a Spice Girl,
I can do many things, I can paste it on your front,
or I can paste it on the back of you.
It's up to you.
Oh, do you know what? & apos ?? I think this is where I come out,
- But it's nice to meet you - Nice to meet you.
Yes & apos; Good luck in London and everything.
Thank you.
- Good luck with what you are doing See you later < br /> - See you later
GRUFF SUARA: Taxi! Hold it!
Come on, then, tell me I am your favorite Spice Girl. (LAUGHS)
- (RASPBERRY BLOWS) - You're my favorite Spice Girl
- Thank you, I'll run from here Applause! - DRIVER: Stingy bastard!
- Oh my day Simon Pegg. - Gary Barlow
- Oh, from Boyzone & apos; br /> - You think of Ronan Keating.
No, I'm thinking about Simon Pegg.
Hey, I don't want to go in there. This is spice scary.
He scratched his wine and everything.
This is terrible. It smells bad.
SCORE SPICE: Can you smell it?
- I just kicked out a reet pong! - (TIRES SCREECH)
BARLOW: Fuckin & apos; hell
SCORE SPICE: Oh, you are a shy, Barlow, you.
You are really shy
I am here, at the Discovery Convention in London,
where the best in the world inventors and entrepreneurs
hope to come with revolutionary ideas
it will change the world.
Like the slogan says, That's where dreams come true.
Excuse me, can you tell me where? The Invention Convention is, please?
There, buddy.
WOMEN IN PA: Welcome to the Discovery Convention.
Of course. Good.
(EXHALES)
Let's do it.
WOMEN IN PA: Please close the grass.
(WHIRRING)
So, it removes your nose hair,
but will it be removed hair from your testicles?
Women and men, I give you Waterbot.
I am Waterbot
Feel.
WATERBOT: Yes, feel. </ P>
- It makes me want... Like, I want... - want...
BOTH: dance! </ P >
(BOTH GRUNTING)
BOTH: Power grab! Take power
(Laughter) Oh, shawls bleed.
Ooosh!
(SHOES SQUEAK)
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
(HUSHED) This time is big time this time.
I am Sylvester Stallone.
Human demolition
I can do this.
Women and men, allow me to introduce you
to something that has passed back from the future to the past,
Here until at present,
to protect your automoto vehicles.
Women and men, I gave you Securipole.
Now I will show very fast erection
(WOMEN COUGHS)
Sha-ting!
Now,
who wants a free consultation without any obligation
in all nations?
Anyone & apos;?
- Yes, sir, do you want brochures? - No.
Some bumph, pamphlets & apos ;? No & apos ;? Good. Have a nice day.
Oh no.
p> I like that!
I like big time.
It's sparkling, neat, compact, simple.
That name is About. Kushvinder About.
Now, Kushvinder, nice to meet you. My name is Keith
50, um, what is your business? What did you change?
What, this is confidential?
I have taken the button from the mobile device
and replaced it without the button .
My friend,
I gave you the first in the world.
Touchy, Screeny, Phone Discovery Type Inventions,
This is called Participation. </ P>
Titistipi? </ P>
Discipline. </ P>
Discipline ?? Pisitist & apos ;? This is called Pisitist & apos ;?
Inserts & apos ?? Discipline & apos;?
Participation.
I can't read Spanish. What said & apos ;? Tips...
Participation.
Piss on titties & apos;
This is my problem
This device is revolutionary, but the name is nonsense.
It's a little nonsense.
Nobody wants to buy a bloody phone without a button with bad name.
This is bloody... This cellphone.
What are you doing?
This cellphone is a curse for the rest of my life.
However, as far as I know,
I have never seen the public presentations as captivating as yours
Oh thank you. </ P>
And arrogant attitude sounds like a pound.
So, buddy, please, please,
take the phone and do what you will do.
You can give I am 8.2% gross corridor if you make money
But I give up on this product.
So, it's yours, Keith.
(LAUGHS) Apa yang kamu katakan '?
Well, I have my own business, isn't it? Secur...
What do you say & apos??
- You can't just give all... - What are you saying & apos;?
(SIGHS)
Good.
Ah. I feel free .
How do you turn it on then?
WOMEN IN PA: Attention, this is an announcement for all exhibitors.
Please pack your invention . The show ends.
You tell me.
(SIGHS)
Go global.
(DICKHEAD > BY KATE NASH PLAYING)
♪ Why are you becoming a dickhead friend? </ P>
♪ You're just a bad situation
♪ Why are you becoming a dickhead friend? </ P>
♪ Stop being a dickhead ♪
I hope Rosie is here.
He knows what to do.
All right, I said yes.
You have to try and sell a few poles in Leeds first,
Expand the business slowly.
It won't be fair happened overnight, Keith
Rosie, I need TLC.
Some Whore Lemon Tender .
Come here.
- I miss you. - I miss you.
(ROMANTIC MUSIC SWELLS)
It's very cold , will you hurry & apos?
I will be very fast and that will make me feel much better.
- Good. - thank you </ p p>
Ooh.
Oh. Use your tongue. Yes.
Simply maneuver your head. Move around.
(MOANING)
I'll tell you what, let's lie down
you are up.
Good, happy.
Spin. Let's do it from behind.
Feel your breasts. (MOANS)
Like a monkey. </ P>
Dribbling is like a fried egg sandwich. </ P>
(ENGLISH ACCOMMODATION) Dirty, bloody Londoner. </ P>
Come on, Mother, we going home.
Jesus!
I will be crazy Must be sorry, stress.
What will he say when he knows I have ordered a thousand poles? </ P>
(FOG HORN BLOWS)
If it's a thousand, and not two and & apos; alf thousand. </ P>
I really messed up if that's the case two and one & apos; alf thousand.
One million columns?
There must be a error with the command </ p >
We clearly haven't ordered a million poles.
Well, Mr. Keith Lemon command them, apparently
- Who from & apos; - Uh...
- E. Steve Incorporated - Who is E. Steve?
Steve is evil < br /> He is an evil bastard.
You know Hood-less Harry, aren't you? He has a plumbing business.
He can't make payments on 100 U-bends ordered. </ P>
Not a million like what happened here,
only one hundred. </ P>
Now, when he can't pay, /> he must pay on the skin.
(MIND)
- Skin? - (SCREAMING)
Aye, foreskin.
Aye, foreskin. p>
(RACY MUSIC PLAYING)
Hello.
Oh, aye. Does that look like him?
No. Melt it, turn it into... (SHOUTS)... Beyonce! </ P>
I don't know why I came to London, I've never sold a Securipole. </ P>
The only thing you will sell here, Keith, is your soul
And you will end up in nonsense.
Yes, everything is gone tits up. Not you, love You can save it where they are.
I don't even know why you want to move to London in the first place for anyhow. </ p >
They can't even understand us. You can't even order drinks.
Lasts. Go and try.
Excuse me, may I drink Coke?
Do you just call me chicken & apos ?;
No, I said, can I drink a glass of Coke?>
You want me to put my butt on your chicken chicken??
Fuck it off, you ginger twat.
It's strawberry blonde. I'm a blond strawberry, right?
Let me give a little suggestion which my father gave me
Just before he went to join the circus.
He said, "Never..."
(REDUCING)
Yes.
"animals or other types or livestock."
Fair do it.
If it works well, I will be right behind you.
But if you change, I will tell you that you have changed.
(WITH CURRENT)
All right, Mom
Let's go and have a look in this damn London Eye.
- Ta-ra, Aunt Fanny. - Ta-ra, Keith us
I can't believe that is his real name. This is an American for "donkey."
p>
COURT: Well, I need a signature.
ROSIE: Only idiots will sign it.
I will sign it for you
- what did you use as & apos ;? - Keith Lemon Main person.
As instructed by the main man actually, Keith Lemon. </ p >
I can just say, Rosie, that you look neat bang Ooosh!
Why doesn't my pen work & apos;?
It feels like urinating and so on.
It's not a pen.
No, it's a pregnancy test.
Ho-ho! And that's positive.
Congratulations, you make a beautiful couple.
We're not partners. That's not Keith Lemon.
I'm Douglas.
Douglas Orange.
(BLEEPING RINGTONE)
>
Hello & apos?
Hiya, this is Rosie. What are those things?
What's wrong, Rosie? Is everything okay just?
Um... We have a little problem.
What's wrong, Rosie? A different pressure in your voice, what happened?
Have you ordered a few, um... Some poles & apos;?
Yes, I did, I ordered a thousand.
Good job I did too,
Because I already surpassed my pre-sales expectations
- How many noughts in a thousand, Keith? & apos; - Huh?
- How much, Keith & apos ?? - Uh...
Six noughts are one million!
You have ordered a million Securipoles from Evil Steve
Rosie, don't worry because Evil Steve isn't evil .
He is friends with Mick Fairdo and Nice Tariq.
"Fairdo & apos; s Mick"? "Good Tariq"? Who are people these guys & apos;
Why are you doing business with freaks?
Hey, they're not weird.
You want to worry about Strange Paul.
He has donkeys and penis. You don't know where you stand with him.
Keith, this is serious.
With a happier tone, Keith, /> Rosie is pregnant. </ P>
- You will be father - (YELLS) Dougie, that's private! </ P>
Daddy & apos;
All right, give us bad money, bruv
Permisi, apa yang kamu katakan '? Maaf, saya di t'phone.
I said, "Give your damn money, bruv."
Listen, guys.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
You don't want to do this.
I know about your problems and disputes.
Yes & apos;?
(JAMAICAN ACCENT) Wagwan, bredbin? Bumbinsquat and ting .
I'm one of yours
- One of us & apos ;? - Yes.
Me too, I'm biracial. </ p >
You might see that I'm drawing
darker than the average white person.
That's because I'm mam having an affair with Billy Ocean.
Who is Billy Ocean?
You don't know who Billy Ocean is?
Billy Ocean sings...
(BEATBOXING)
Keith?
(BEATBOXING)
Keith?
He sang when The Going Gets Tough.
Keith's father sang it. This is Billy Ocean.
Billy Ocean & apos;?
♪ Ooh! I want to touch you ♪
That's you. </ P>
♪ Want to touch you And do the things that you love do
♪ Because when things get tough
♪ It's hard to go
♪ When things get rough
Be even better if you lower them. That will be muffled
♪ Hey hey! Hey-hey-hey! Hey! ♪
(TUTS) What the fuck this is bullshit, man & apos;
ROSIE: Keith, are you there?
- Here I am calling - ROSIE: Keith?
(LINE DISCONNECTS)
The line is dead. </ P>
Listen, guys, we can do this in an easy way,
Or we can do it is not an easy way.
That being...
The hard way!
Ooosh!
Come on! I'll kill you, rasclaats! </ P>
Then race now, man. </ P>
(GRUNTS)
Don't touch my hair, </ p >
Because I just had a Brazilian blow dry. It took three hours.
(EXCLAIMS)
(HUMMING) </ p >
♪ I just got robbed I just got robbed
♪ I came out to count But it won't be long ♪
Ooosh! Ooosh! </ P>
Hello, and welcome to my conscience. </ P>
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING WILDLY) - Yes! Thank you, now bring it down.
(AUDIENCE QUIETS DOWN)
- Now, bring it back. - (AUDIENCE CHEERS WILDLY)
Yes! Thank you for coming.
Okay, I'm here to fill the time until I go back around from this snatch
by "yoots" today.
Oh listen.
Get the bad settings, you are a lot, man.
Dirt!
- They took me clothes, little bastards. - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
This is a good setting, too,
I have my own from B & HS and C & A and Clockhouse...
Anyway, while we're here,
we might also have a little fun, isn't that right,
so I can connect with you
Let's see if you can guess what what I think here
in my conscience.
Ini bagus, innit?
Okay, you get the time specified and when you start...
now! (HONKS)
That's all, your time is up. So, can you do it right?>
That's right! It's a donkey wall.
There is my favorite, I don't know /> you. I really like that too there.
T; back in.
- (MOBILE CHIMING) - Good. Oh, listen.
- (MOBILE VIBRATES) - KUSHVINDER: You have bloody text.
Just get the text on that funny thing.
(MOBILE CONTINUES CHIMING)
- KUSHVINDER: You have bloody text . - Okay, I'd better go.
Okay, I'm my conscience.
Oke, saya adalah hati nurani saya.
If I don't see you through t & apos; week, I'll see you via t & apos; window.
I'd better go back to my bad self.
Sha- ting!
KUSHVINDER: You have bloody text.
(MOBILE CHIMING)
- KUSHVINDER: You have bloody text. - (MOBILE CHIMES )
(GROANS)
- KUSHVINDER: You have bloody text. - (MOBILE CHIMES)
"Just been robbed & apos ;? Like bloodstained vagrant?"
(MOBILE CHIMES)
"Then, visit The Fixer." </ P>
"It doesn't matter too small, No disaster is too high." </ P>
(FAT CHUCKLES)
Poetry.
Then follow Sati-nav.
The Participatory Sati-nav Service operates, isn't that, buddy?
Wake up, destroy yourself
and climb gallantly out threatening the subway
What should I lose?
Oh, I'm a spincter
(GROANS)
I'm glad they didn't take it this shoe. I like these shoes.
KUSHVINDER: Without fear of getting out of the pissy subway.
Straight.
Straighter. </ P>
Stop! </ P>
(CROWS CAWING)
You have reached your bloody destiny, isn't that, buddy? </ P>
We get here at the right time, children.
(DOOR CREAKS)
KUSHVINDER: Now we go upstairs. Uppityuppity.
(CAWING CONTINUES)
Turn right.
Spooky spooky, don't you, mate?
Don't knock. It's open Good luck, kid
(BERITERIT)
ARCHIMEDES: Listen, G, if this is the next one Fix it doesn't get me back to the club,
then you can cut my cock and fuck me in the holiest of all holes.
Right. I said it.
Bastard
Sit down, Mr. Lemon. I'll be with you in a minute.
Clean yourself up. </ P>
(CHUCKLING) Yes, yes, I know. The mustache is very bad. </ P>
Who has a mustache lately? </ P>
See you soon, I always want to.
Okay, back to business.
Hi, I'm Archimedes. I'm the attacker
Nice to meet you, Keith. </ P>
Apa yang terbentang dalam skenario ini?
Um, well, like the text said, I'm The Fixer.
- Fixer? - Yeah.
I found people coming down and out and I try to help them.
Now, before we start,
I only have a few initial questions for you
If you describe your situation in one word, what will happen & apos;?
Oh.
Alright, basically, I always dream become Richard Next Branston. </ P>
You know, Branston Pickles. </ P>
I want to be a household name with my product, Securipole,
which I deliberately pre -ordered one million from Evil Steve,
That's because I have dyslexia.
And, so far, I've never sold it, so I won't can pay it back,
and he might be cutting my kulupu
And I don't even have one, I've deleted it with my age of three.
(MURMURS ) foreskin.
I'm as smooth as a dolphin beak downstairs.
I don't know what else to cut it.
Also, I boyfriend, it's not really my girlfriend,
is my girlfriend, but she is not my girlfriend,
But she is me boyfriend, she is pregnant
Don't know how that happened
Because I swear I pulled it at the right time.
And I have verruca.
> And I think my stack is back. </ P>
It's like shitake mushrooms hanging out of me bastards
It looks like there are ingrown toenails in me stars brown sea
(COUGHS)
- Painfully The pain is torturous. - Good.
In just one word, Keith.
Fucked!
HUMAN DELIVERY: There is one thing I don't understand.
If Billy Ocean is Keith's father, why isn't he called Keith Ocean & apos;?
Because of the name Lemon.
He took his mother's name after Billy left.
Oh yeah.
Of course.
And I can see the Caribbeanesque feature.
So, will anyone sign this pole?
Oh, will you take them away?
>
We obviously made a mistake with the command
Hey!
Don't shoot the messenger.
I'm not a bad person here.
Steve is evil Who is calling them Evil Steve?
- (GURGLING CONTINUES) - Excuse me.
Ooh...
- You have said his name twice. - (DOOR OPEN)
- I dare say it three times. - (DOOR CLOSES)
- Steve is evil - No, don't
- Steve is evil - No.
Steve is evil
(THUNDER CRACKS )
♪ Evil Steve, Steve Evil ♪
(Bones CRACKING)
♪ Naughty Geordie Evil Steve
♪ Evil Steve ♪
(GEORDIE ACCENT) Crime & apos ;? I & apos ;? You make us sound like Bin Laden, you do.
Evil?
Where is Lemon & apos ;? Huh?
Where is he & apos ?;
Where is the foul smell?
Where is he & apos; ?
I'm here. That command is a mistake.
So, please leave my place, Steve's crime, or I'll contact the police.
Let's see you. </ P>
(WAILING)
(LAUGHS EVILLY)
That's chocolate sauce. </ P>
Dennis, he gets chocolate sauce on his face.
(LAUGH)
Howay, Dennis, come on bro. Otherwise, we will lose The XFactor.
This is the result of the show tonight, which is my favorite
Let's bring him with us.
I don't come anywhere with you.
- You, biscuit breasts. - I'm not coming
- You are. - Dougie! Dougie!
- Rosie! Rosie! - Dougie!
I took this little cup here. Good night.
♪ Evil Stevie
♪ Naughty Geordie ♪
I'll turn you into a human Securipole,
if I don't get my money in the specified time slot.
- Oh! (GROANS) - What's wrong & apos;? </ P>
I keep shooting sick in my arsehole
- ROSIE: Dougie ! - That's fast.
(RINTIHAN)
Dougie, go to London. Take Keith Get Keith!
Rosie!
♪ Evil Steve ♪
London, eh?
It's full of gays and terrorists down there </ p >
You may feel annoyed and stabbed.
That's what my father said.
(KEITH BREATHING HEAVILY)
I paid a lot of money for the place this, but it's worth the display.
Tell me about that. I am titated.
Ooh!
Listen, right, if you are The Fixer, how are you...
Where did he go & apos??
What are you doing? </ P>
I'm in trouble here. Not a band, it is. </ P>
So how are you going to fix me? </ P>
Well, what should you do? </ P>
Nowt. </ P>
Apart from this hi-tech cellphone,
where the button has been replaced without a button,
but the friend who gave it to me can't even give it,
Regardless of what he gave me, he gave everything to me.
Argh! </ P>
- I got it! - What? </ P>
What if we re-market the cellphone with a new identity & apos;? </ P>
- What do you mean & apos ?; - Put your name on it
You say you always want to become a household name.
I do
Hopefully, they will buy it
and you will make enough money to pay for terrible Tony
- What do you mean Evil Steve? - Exactly! Problems solved.
Yarussky!
More importantly, what do you think we will have
enough money to pay for chicken enlargement for meself & apos?
Uh....
It will be like a gift for yourself.
It will be like a Christmas present.
Birthday gift.
St. Day George is here. </ P>
(I NEED A DOLLAR BY ALOE BLACC PLAYS)
♪ I need one dollar, dollar, dollar That's what I need </ p >
♪ Hey, hey ♪ Well, I need dollars, dollars, dollars...
So where do we go now?
Now, now we get the call,
I know this person is working on TV, he will help us put them on the map.
Large, biggest exposure.
- Lemon Squidgy? & apos; - Oh thank you.
/ p>
This, thank you for lending me this outfit
No problem. They belong to my former client.
- Haul ass! - Okay, I'll take the donkey.
Wait here. Stay away from the problem. I'll be back soon.
Okay, Archi dove.
Well, it keeps going all night, you know & apos?
Sort of night you and me together.
(LAUGHS)
Hey, Hoff, it's me.
Could I have a minute, honey?
(WHISTLES)
- (DOOR CLOSES) - What do you want & apos;?
You look fantastic
You just don't age
Why don't you just cut to chase, Archimedes??
Hey, man, it's not my fault that you didn't get to Pamela Anderson's bones.
One of my biggest regrets.
You said you would fix it for me.
I told you to do a show about the car talking
Oh yeah.
If it wasn't for me, there would be no Hoff.
Yes I know.
But can you help best friend?
What kind of help & apos;?
(MOBILE RINGING)
- Hi. - Hi dear. How are you & apos ;?
Oh, hello. How are you & apos ?;
(CHERRY PIE WITH PAYMENT GUARANTEE)
♪ Well, she's my cherry cake
♪ Insert a smile on your face Ten miles wide
♪ Looks really good Bring tears to your eyes
♪ Sweet cherry pie, yeah
- ♪ Swing it! - (MOBILE RINGING)
- Kelly Brook? - Yes? </ P>
- You're Kelly Brook? - Yes, right. </ P>
- I'm a big fan of - That's good. </ P>
Yes, all of your calendars are and your movies and stuff. </ P>
Thank you. </ P>
Piranha 3D, Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo,
while having a big breakfast and you were fired,
and when you were in Britain & Apos; s Got Talent and you were fired.
It must have been desperate for you , but... A big fan.
Actually, I have a dream about you last night
What did you dream of?
Well, you say, "Faster, slower,"
and then you don't know If you like it sooner or later,
So I ramble on bangersmu.
Then I go to the hidden area
and give it something like... Stomach! Stomach! Stomach! ... Action. </ P>
Stomach! Stomach! Stomach! </ P>
- Oh, disgusting! - Maw! Stomach! Stomach! </ P>
Then clean the window and feed the horse. </ P>
(MAKE TRILLING SOUNDS) Stomach! Stomach! Stomach! </ P>
What are you doing? We got a show to do. </ P>
- Let's go. - Okay.
I'm a little nervous. I have never watched TV before.
Don't worry about that. You will be fine.
- is that alive?? - Yes.
Oh, damn it.
ANNOUNCEMENT: Living from London, it's The Hoff Hour Show
with your host, David Hasselhoff
and special guest star, Kelly Brook. </ P>
And this is your host, it's Hoff. </ P>
Thank you. Thank you very much. </ P>
Welcome back to The Hoff Hour Show. </ P>
Thirty minutes from you really. </ P>
We will continue to chat with us Kelly Brook is amazingly beautiful. </ P>
I mean, she is "Hoff" the graph. She is Hoffalicious. </ P>
I Crazy hoff for him. I'll take time for him. </ P>
(LAUGHS)
But first, we bring you North businessman, Mr. Keith Melon. </ P> p>
That's you, man. Good luck.
David, who are these idiots?
This, um, Keith "Lemon". Who will be called "Melon"? A little silly name.
Keith Melon. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS WEAKLY)
- (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) - (ALL THOUGHTS)
(Laughing out loud)
p>
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(DWINDLING LAUGH)
Keith, I've been told by a little bird
that you have some sort of > revolutionary communication tools
that you want to show us
Good.
(EXHALES)
- You can show us that now if you want. - Yes.
It's okay, ladies and gentlemen, he's just a little nervous
- (CHUCKLES) - (AUDIENCE LAUGH)
Come on, man. </ P>
Good. </ P>
and then, at second glance, it doesn't look like a normal telephone.
Kushvinder! Lemony's bloody screams she has stolen your Discipline.
p>
Keith didn't steal it. I gave it to him. Mmm!
That's because from touch screen technology.
This person sell it rubbish, just like you.
Bloody Participation!
I say, come up with a good idea
and you give it Name damn stupid like Participation.
I don't know why I'm married to you.
Oh no, I did. Because it's bleeding.
But that touchscreen technology really determines
Well, I think it's, uh...
David, drop this twat. Return to Kelly Brook. </ P>
I'm sure you have a new calendar coming out this year
- He blew it - Yes, I did, David.
Was it all 12 months ?
Yes, David, it's been 12 months.
Wow! I hate that calendar with only seven months
- I know. - Ridiculous You really...
Remarketing your phone. Put your name on it
Give a new identity
DAVID: December edition, do you use
one of them is minimal Santa's sexy clothes?
Actually, David, I'm naked .
And I have two Christmas pudding covering me...
And there are lemons on t & back;
(AUDIENCE GASP)
Damn the bed!
Very sexy
That's the best thing I've ever seen. I want one.
Wait a minute! What do you call this phone?
Um...
This is called Lemon Phone. Call Keith Lemon.
p>
- (GASPS) - Of course, Lemon!
Oh, that guy is just a genius.
Women and men, I give you Lemon Phone. </ P>
Call Keith Lemon. </ P>
ALL: Lemon Keith Phone! Lemon Phone
Keith Lemon Phone! Lemon Phone
(LAUGH)
BOTH: Call Lemon! Call Keith Lemon!
Phone Lemon
- amazing < br /> O God! - Oh!
(BOTH SEA)
(AUDIENCE CONTINUES CHANTING)
Eureka!
- Lemon! What - yes!
- Yarussky, did you see that? - It's done well!
- Thank you, friend. - You are my favorite client
You are amazing
Now, all we need to do is to return to Leeds...
- Call me. - (EXCLAIMS)
- anytime - ARCHIMEDES: Child from... Keith & apos;
(MOBILE RINGING)
- ARCHIMEDES: Hey, Keith? & apos; - Hello & apos; : Is it right now & apos; really conquered the world.
Small English North businessman Keith Lemon has gone from rag to wealth
in overnight success to top all successes overnight.
But what makes the phone very desirable
There are lemons on t & apos; back _.
Pengusaha kecil Inggris Utara Keith Lemon telah pergi dari kain ke kekayaan
dalam kesuksesan semalam ke atas semua kesuksesan dalam semalam.
Tapi apa yang membuat telepon sangat diinginkan
Ada lemon di t'back_.
And that makes it good because...
I don't know
And so, the answer is they don't know.
- Lemon at t 'back - Lemon on t & back; back
From New York to India and China to Barnsley,
Lemon Phones are a global sensation.
Lemon on t & ap; back. Lemon on t & apos; back. Orange has actually landed.
And so it is.
Sales Lemon Phone, phone Keith Lemon,
has changed you to billionaires overnight
Rich beyond your wildest dreams. </ P>
Excuse me when I finish the document.
Amazing! This is the best improvement I have ever done!
I can't believe it. I really don't trust. </ p >
So, now, all we have to do pay for the pole,
Bring it back to Leeds for your child's unborn child,
and live happily ever after with Rosie.
I like it if there is an improvement.
>
Poland?
Love the unborn child & apos ;? Rosie & apos; lead computer? What are you talking about & apos?
That's where you come from, mute.
Archiminges, sometimes the right thing isn't always black and white.
But what about... (MUFFLED)
So how are you doing? Will do it all, Mr. Lemon & apos?
Well, Spectacle Man, the question is not what I'm going to do with everything,
the question is what doesn't I won't do it all. (LAUGHS)
Isn't that good?
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
Here. Go buy some specifications.
I'm rich! I'm rich! I'm rich! I'm rich!
Ooosh!
(FULL OF LEAD PENCIL BY PAOLO NUTINI PLAYS)
♪ Oh, I have a sheet of my bed and a pillow for my head
p>
♪ I get a pencil full of lead and some water for my throat
♪ I have buttons for my coat and the screen on my boat
♪ Much more than I needed before
♪ I got money in meters and heated two bars... ♪
Bigger
♪ I got a leg in my chair and a head full of hair
♪ Pot and skillet And some shoes on my feet
♪ A few pairs of socks and a door with a key
♪ Food in my stomach and a license for my television
♪ And nothing will drop me
Hi.
Now we talk.
♪ You will bring me down
♪ I got a nice guitar and tire in my car
♪ I get most of the means... ♪
(MOANING)
♪... so I join the shout I have a Enough a little chat but, better than that,
♪ Food in my stomach and license for my television
♪ And no one will drop me
What about the harp punch, man? </ P>
Oh, they're amazing. Oh! </ P>
Oh...
(STAMMERS) I'll call you back
♪ You will bring me down
♪ But the best of all ♪ Best of all
♪ I have my baby
♪ Oh, best of all ♪ Best of all
♪ I have my baby
♪ He's fine and says he's mine all
♪ And no one will drop me No! </ P>
Ah! </ P>
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGH)
♪ Oh, best of all ♪ Best of all
p>
♪ I have my baby
♪ Oh, best of all ♪ Best of all
♪ I have my baby
♪ She's good- okay and say he's mine all
♪ And no one will drop me
♪ He's fine and says he's mine all
♪ And nothing will take me... ♪
Can I have bangers and gash... I mean, bro, please?
And the award for Business Man of the Year goes to Keith Lemon.
(CROWD CHEERING WILDLY)
Thank you.
(DRUNKENLY) Wow! I can't believe it. I can't believe it.
I just want to say thanks for all the hard work
EVIL STEVE: What happened?
is Keith Lemon doing on television, acting all Rockefeller
even though he hasn't even paid me yet for my pole & apos;
This is also for me for everything I've achieved during this short period .
And thanks to Kelly Brook.
I can't wait to have full-on penetratitive sex with you
in the hole of your shirt to constipate our relationship.
So, Kelly, come here.
More importantly, how do you have a ginger tit like she pulls Kelly Brook?
She's not ginger, she strawberry blonde.
Blonde strawberry, my ass!
She's ginger
And it looks like Kelly Brook likes a little ginger singing too.
I thought you were a clever bird.
- Me. - Well, I will tell you what,
That can be done with a woman's touch. Or must I say,
I can do it with the touch of a woman.
That's funny because I think you and Dennis are stuff.
What have you said to him?
It's just a little fun.
We are at the polytechnic. We are experimenting.
Do you and your girlfriend don't think
my girlfriend isn't will go back and kick the shit from you & apos;?
What & apos ?? Does he know jujitsu & apos; Because we are the Church of England.
- Will we kill him now, boss & apos ?? - No, we will not kill him now.
We will miss I'm a celebrity.
You get the keg turned on, Get everything hot and bubbly, like.
We will watch a little television,
then we will decide what to do.
Shout! I say scream!
I want to hear you scream!
In your dream!
Dalam mimpimu!
- Dennis, are we going to drink ice cream? - Yeah, what's your favorite?
Rum and raisins.
I'll let you put it all on me > knackers and let you lick it.
I'm jokin & apos;
You have to put them polytechnics behind you, man
Honestly! You're tit! </ P>
(BUAL)
One billion and a half and one, one billion and a half and two,
one billion and a half and three . Can you go faster with that fan?
Don't you think you have to check Rosie
instead of counting your money & apos;?
You seem to have forgotten about all your problems back in Leeds
This is not bad karma, Keith. Bad, bad karma. </ P>
Archi-cock- blocker, I'm calmer. I'm as calm as a cucumber, unlike you.
All you do is complain because I have been successful overnight.
What is confusing, really, Like who you fix it all.
Don't remind me You know, I made a big mistake, Keith.
The only mistake you make, brother,
doesn't get your own costume for the toga party tonight.
Toga party
And because I'm a kind and kind man, and remember...
- this Put it - (GRUNTING)
- This is a napkin. - This will be big enough for you
- But... < br /> - I'm sorry
I have a telephone to make.
Hello, is that Yorkshire Bank & apos; This is Keith. How much money I get & apos;?
Don't you see that all this is too good to be true & apos ?;
Archidoodles, if everything seems too good To be true, then they might be right.
That's the saying. Now excuse me, I'm on the phone & phone.
Can you confirm that for me?
MAN: You are currently one billion, five hundred million
- and eight pounds in credit - (HYSTERICALLY LAUGHING)
Kelly Brook. I've just been t phone to Yorkshire Bank
I have a billion and a half and eight pounds
I think I have a billion and a half and three pounds. </ p p>
I just made five pounds, sitting in the bathtub. Ooosh!
Hei bro. Sebaiknya selokan ini luas. Dia tidak lain adalah masalah, jika Anda bertanya kepada saya.
Ditch Kelly Brook? Have you ever glue sniffed?
- Wow! That's a lot of money. - Yes I know.
Here. You can have it. </ P>
Go buy your own bra or some tampons. Girl thing
Keith, um... what can I talk to you?
(SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(TIGER GROWLING)
Archi... (BABBLES) Can we have some privacy?
Come on, piss off.
Keith, I know you've been waiting for for now.
So do I. I want you to constipate this relationship. </ P>
Well, come and take me. Take me now Take all of me
I'm sick of humping dry this. I want to feel you.
I want you to touch me in certain places.
- I've never been touched before. - (ARCHIMEDES MUMBLING)
I want you to stay your finger in my mouth
Like Michael Douglas in Basic Instinct. </ P>
- Plug it in very hard. - Mmm. Scumbag. </ P>
Oh, Keith, I can just feel yourself now
Just come and destroy the door behind me. Take me, Keith!
- Take me! (SCREAM) - I come!
(FREAK ME, BABY WITH ANOTHER LEVEL PLAY)
♪ I want to be weird with you
♪ Baby, don't you understand?
♪ I want to be your bad guy
♪ I want to make your body scream
[♪ Then you will know what it means]
(RATTLING)
♪ 24 carat gold
♪ Don't want the night to cool
♪ I like the taste of whipped cream
♪ Scattered above me
(CHOKING)
♪ You know I can't hold you back, kid
♪ I will fly you all over the world
♪ I want to see your body dripping
- ♪ Come on, let it I sip it... ♪ - (GASPING) Minge.
- ♪ To come, what do you appreciate most... ♪ - Aaah!
♪ Lick you up and down and make your gifted body want to scream
♪ Every time I think of your love I want to lick you
♪ Let me scares you all night and, girl, then you will... ♪
(THUDDING)
Oh yeah.
♪ Lick you up and down and make your gifted body want to scream... ♪
(GASPS)
♪ Because tonight, honey, I want to be weird with you
♪ Let me lick you up and down until you say stop ♪
(EXCLAIMING IN SHOCK)
♪ Let me play with my body, baby, make you really hot... ♪
(PANTING)
(MOANING)
Well, um... I have fun.
I hope you I promise that I don't pretend.
That's good. I'll get ready for the party. </ P>
- Oh! - Excuse me. </ P>
Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry. </ P>
Maaf. Permisi.
Hello, my name is Douglas I'm going to London.
- Where are you going? - London.
Hello, my name is Douglas /> I'm going to London. </ P>
- Where are you going? - London. </ P>
- Hello, my name is Douglas... - We will all screwing London!
- (BELL DINGING) - ANNOUNCER: Today's film coach
is a classic Sylvester Stallone, waiting for it...
- Spy Kids 3D in 2D. - (GROANING) the worst
Um... I apologize for what just happened When I rambling everywhere.
That never happened to me before ever in my life.
However, as a sign of my apology, I have gift for you
I want to present you with the two piranhas in plinths.
If you don't like them, you can take the plinth off
and you can use it as an earring.
Just bring them to your ear. Let's see what they look like. </ P>
Oh yeah. They look beautiful. </ P>
This really brings color out of your breasts... your eyes.
- Fun. Do you like them? - Yes, they are, um... unique.
Yes, they are unique, right? Piranha fish earrings.
Ever so unique. I like that word
So that means it's a good thing, isn't it?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
I like that movie, Piranha 3D, me. I think it's amazing.
Yes, all blood and salt water and so on. That's my type of film.
You see rambo You don't see rambo
I'll tell you what happened in Rambo if you haven't seen rambo
What happened in Rambo is he trying to enter the small town
They won't let him enter the small town.
So he goes to the small town.
So they catch him and take him to the station,
do his fingerprint , but you can see
he doesn't want his fingerprints.
Then they put it in the shower and they drop it,
which I think is rather homoerotic.
And then he hits a ginger guy from CSI: Miami.
Then he comes out. Then there's a pedestrian on a motorcycle
He took his motorcycle from him.
Then he went into the forest and he climbed a tree.
Then he fell from a tree. < br /> He cut all of his arms.
But, lucky for him, He has a Rambo knife.
There are many knick-knacks in it.
There are needles and threads there.
So he swings his arm like that
and he goes further into the forest chased by the locals.
It's a bit like Frankenstein. They have torch and stuff.
Then he goes into the tunnel.
And we see a lot of flashbacks while he is in Vietnam
So we know he is not in trouble.
And then he got lots of mice on his back.
And he burned mice from his back. Then they blew up tunnels.
Then he came out of the tunnel. Then he went to the city
he tried to enter before.
And he met his old sergeant and then he say...
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
You can't say what he said but you can say that he said,
"They pulled the blood first, not me. "
Therefore the title of the film, Blood first.
(MUSIC DRAMATIC PLAYS)
Hey, I've heard that sequel Marley & Me also came out. </ P>
Marley & Me 2. And it will be 3D. </ P>
If in 3D, it will be summat
I will buy a ticket for that, I will.
Keith Lemon, the award-winning businessperson and billionaire last night,
is hosting a toga party > up all party parties.
Promising to be the night overcrowded celebrities.
This is of course... Ohhh! Rizzle Kicks are here. </ P>
Menantikan pesta, guys?
Yes, I always want it to make love to the goddess
I am a black Zeus.
Um... I just apologized for language there
and of course the party no one wants to miss
- MAN: Rizzle Kicks, here. - I can't believe they fucking swear.
- WOMEN: Keith Lemon partying like this. - (CARS HONKING)
Lemon Towers.
(MUSIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY)
- (WHOOPING) - Keith, what about Rosie?
Ladies, what we get here is boiled eggs surrounded by Italian sausage meat </ p >
and golden breadcrumbs. In Italy, we call it a Scotch egg.
It's like putting a ship in a bottle. Touch my ball, touch my ball.
p>
(WOMEN CHEERING)
Man, screwed up again.
(CHUCKLING)
(MUSIC CONTINUES LOUDLY)
Oh ! Are these alcoholics Fucking-A! (GIGGLING)
- Hey - Hmm?
You said this an Egyptian party, you twat
(CHEERING)
So, Tinchy, how can you get to know Keith?
- He is my cousin, innit ? - Oh.
Come on let's go...
- Yes! Come on! - (ALL CHEERING) </ p >
- You're beautiful! - (TRUMPET FANFARE PLAYING)
(PEOPLE APPLY)
- You all have fun? - (ALL CHEERING)
Well, this will be even better This is very emotional, this, for me. </ P>
[Some of you may or may not know it] comes from a single parent family.
There's only me and I mam and I'm a brother, a homosexual.
That's why I'm a little sissy.
This is all under the bridge.
Kelly, can you get off the phone & phone, please?
- I'm a bit emotional - Oh.
Welcome to the stage... . (MIMICKING DARTH VADER) My father!
- None other than Billy Ocean! - (ALL CHEERING)
WOMEN: We love you, Billy!
If Billy Ocean is his father, then I'm the damn mother.
This is my father You can see, right?
(ECHOING) Rewind selector. </ P>
(WHEN IT WILL GET, HARD GET GOING PLAYING)
♪ Yes! Oh dear
♪ I have something to tell you
♪ There's something I want to say
♪ I will realize this dream
♪ Don't let anything hinder me ♪
- (ELEVATOR BELL DING) - Hold it. Wait for me < br /> Wait for me
- He's big, very big. - (WOMEN MURMURING)
- No, I don't know what... - DOUGIE: You will be fine, Dougie. </ P>
Don't make eye contact with gays. </ P>
Oh, she's gay. Must be gay. </ P>
At least he's not a terrorist. Fuck off! </ P>
- Craig & apos? - Who is that & apos? </ P>
This is Avid. Is You know Billy Ocean &?; </ P>
Yes, he's very big, a big pop star in the 80s. </ P>
He looks like a black Santa Claus. I trust him
- I can't hear you - I can't hear you
- I got a bad reception - I have a bad reception
I lost him. I'm sick.
♪ When things get tough ♪ It's hard to go
♪ When things get rough
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
♪ Yeah, yes, yeah ♪
Keith?
Keith! Here I am!
Keith!
♪ Darlin & apos, I will climb any mountain
♪ Darlin & apos, I will do anything
♪ Ooh, can I touch you? ♪ Ooh, can I touch you?
♪ And do the things that lovers do? ♪
- Hey - That's great. Oh my God! </ P>
(RINTIHAN)
Do you know, can you bring me drinks, babes & apos?
- Anything for you. - Oh thank you.
Ugh!
And so are things, really, really serious between you and Keith Lemon?
(SCOFFING) What do you think? There is good homework with him.
I will marry him, divorce him, then take half .. .
Oh no, sorry. All the money. Then proceed to the next one.
- once a whore! - I know.
It's very clear what he's doing. And he's a fool.
- I think he's hot - What?
I want do it specifically lie dancing with him
and then run my finger through her soft blonde hair and strawberry.
Right. Um... lam...
- I'll just go and powder my breast. - (SIGHING)
- Simon Pegg? - No, Ronan Keating.
- Oh, from, um, Take That & apos ;? - No, you think of Gary Barlow.
No, I'm thinking of Simon Pegg.
- do you like me? phone & apos; - Yeah, very good. Likes.
Thank you.
- Hey, I made love with Kelly Brook. - Fair enough.
A little rough on t & apos; morning, but when he puts her make-up on... Fuck it!
Strange child. Come on!
♪... it becomes difficult Go and get the rough one ♪
(ALL CHEERING)
Thank you.
- Thank you, Keith - (SPOUTING GIBBERISH)
It's time for Keith Lemon a karaoke toga party!
(ALL CHEERING)
Yang pertama adalah sekolah lama Keith Lemon rekan bisnis, Kushvinder Rihal!
Thank you. I go to present this song
for my beautiful wife
Hit it!
(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)
♪ Hey, fatti bum bum! </ P>
♪ Sweet peas
♪ Hey, boom boom fatti
♪ Allow me tell you... ♪
I think I want to buy you expensive puffer jacket.
- DOUGIE: Keith! - puffiest puffer jacket...
- DOUGIE: Keith! - You can see it in the shop & shop.
- the puffiest - Excuse me. I'll finish.
(WHIMPERING)
What & apos ?;
Keith, this is me, Douglas. Douglas Orange.
Listen, we need to take you back to Leeds.
Steve's crime has kidnapped Rosie.
And only you can save us by giving us money for t & apos; polish.
Listen, first, I know about eleven Douglaseseses.
And you're not one of them. </ P>
Third, I don't know anyone called Rosie
There was only one woman in my life and that was Kelly Brook.
And he loves me and we make love like spider monkeys.
- (SCOFFING) - Keith, this is me, Douglas.
Security! Take this dingbat away.
If you want money, here.
Go buy new clothes, Because you look low quality.
p>
Tomato-face list! (DESIS)
More than that, you are like my brother
Well, it's not that close,
like Christmas and birthdays and funerals and so on.
Once we celebrate St George's Day, but we don't know what that means.
- You don't know what St. George's Day is? - I like St. George's day. </ P>
I like St. George's day. It's my favorite vacation. </ P>
also my favorite vacation.
- I love you. - I love you too.
I want your fingerblast now.
Do you listen to me, Keith Lemon? </ P>
You listen to me Will you leave my luxurious palace? </ P>
(GLASS SMASHES)
- Come on, come out, you're wrong! < br /> - That's rude, man. Really un-PC.
You can be quiet and all.
There are things that are much worse I can just call him. </ P>
Like a stupid spa...
- (ALL GASPING) - What did he say?... I... I will say...
(SPEAKING MOCK FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
What is strange to, "You are stupid idiot."
- Now continue, turn it off! Come on, turn it off! - Damn fool. </ P>
Come on, get out of there. </ P>
(DOUGIE GRUNTING)
You used to be the main person. Now you're not the main one.
I, Douglas Orange, I'm not a friend with Keith Lemon again.
Good .
- And you know what & apos ?? - What?
- I'm no longer your problem solver. - Oh.
I'd rather have shit than hang out with you
- Aku bukan pemecah masalahmu lagi. - Oh.
Aku lebih suka makan sial daripada bergaul dengan Anda
Lalu pergi makan sial, sialan. Pergi mengambil beberapa kotoran dan memasukkannya ke dalam pita.
A shita (CHUCKLING)
- continue Exit, you are extracted - Upset!
- Is that all about & apos; ? - I don't know
But I will tell you what, Kelly Brook.
I will let you finger my arsehole as part of love.
And I never let anyone stick their fingers up my ass
WOMEN: Ah!
I captivate you... love you Fancy it?>
- Come on. - (WHISPERING) Up there.
Come on, we have a party. Party.
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)
(SIGHING)
(Laughter) Douglas.
Who will win in a fight exits all Expendables
In the film, um... The Expendables & apos?
Sylvester Stallone, of course. He & # 39; leader.
- But what about Jason Streatham? - Crank
- Jet Li & apos ?? - Easy Jet
- Mickey Rourke - Mickey... (IMITATES CLUCKING)
What about Arnold Schwarzenegger?> </ P>
The only governor is Sylvester Stallone (ECHOING)
p>
(GROWLING)
- I've been sewn. - (BELL DINGING)
ANNOUNCEMENT: Hello, Coach Traveler. Here's a little news for you
The film coach this evening is the classic Sylvester Stallone.
Waiting for that. Nothing but... Just wait... Rambo! </ P>
(MUSIC DRAMATIC PLAYS)
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
This is when you all wait. </ P>
We get the main funky guy and the main funky girl!
Hey, bro, they're doing karaoke. You will go?
Well, buddy, singing is not for me.
MAN: We love you, Keith!
(MOANING HOARSELY)
- (MOUTHING) - (OFF-TUNE HUMMING)
(SINGLE NASALLY) ♪ Especially for you </ p >
(QUALITY WORDS)
♪ I want to tell you what I experienced
♪ AI! When we were I think of you
♪ You are in my heart
♪ My love has never changed
♪ I still feel the same
♪ Especially for you
♪ I want to tell you... ♪
Fucking to kill your song, man.
Flamin bastard!
♪ And if the dream is wings... ♪
We interfere with this broadcast with news from around the world
of terrible side effects blamed directly on using Lemon Phone.
(INCLUDING CONTINUED )
Confirmed reports are now being confirmed
which causes the phone strange conditions
to be known as "slanted mouths."
♪... because of you...
♪ Together forever, I... ♪
(IN A DEEP) What happened to my face ?
WOMEN: Oh, my God, look at Kelly!
What happened to my mouth?
Get out of the way. Shift, you Shift, shift. </ P>
I will tell you what's wrong with your mouth, baby
That is a naughty little badger an error up there
Luckily, I keep communicating via fax and pager.
Sometimes pigeons.
But I bought my mother one of those phones
Your aunt, Keith. Your own flesh and blood
And see what is done on his face.
- WOMEN: Eurgh! Mingin & apos; ! - really messed up
And now I feel guilty.
(SIGHING HEAVILY)
I'm sorry, Aunt Fanny.
That's his real name, Fanny. It's like Americans for "donkeys."
Now you might all think who are my other brothers
who that comes out of wood because he's fine for himself.
But you're wrong.
Because I'm here to tell you the danger of the phone
Lemon Phone Phone Keith Lemon
Continue to use it, and you will all end up with a face like he is up there.
- Kelly Brook - (Laugh MOCKINGLY)
And don't get me wrong, Kelly, love. </ P>
I used to wear my eyelashes above you. </ P>
But now no, Kelly. </ P>
No now you have a face like an old blister pisspot.
(IN A DEEP VOICE) My career! My face, my beautiful face!
I'm sorry, Kelly. It's no use, you're so cool. </ P>
- I will never work again - KEITH: It looks good. </ P>
Just put the bag on your head, it's okay
Look at them! Look at them, Keith. They all change!
- Look at their faces! - (SCREAMING)
Van Outen! Small Steps!
Oh, for damn sake!
- Moylesie! - What?
Holly Willoughbooby, Nostrils!
Damn Sengsek blew & apos; trumpet!
- Gino D & apos; Acampoff - (MUMBLING)
Peter Andre and Jason Doneover. </ P>
You sucks, Keith, kid. You're in bullshit
Let the bell meet finally. </ P>
I'll see you in the sequel. </ P>
(IN A DEEP VOICE) I will never work again. </ P>
Come on!
- Wanker! - Yes!
Hey, when you see that Keith Lemon,
you told him that I would do it <br kick the butt of the butt.
My mouth is the center of the Hoff.
The picture entered from the past loyal fans
who are now angry with northern businessman.
(INDISTINCT YELLING)
(TERMINATION)
Kushvinder, what's going on?
It seems like they blame your phone for a good mouth.
Call me?
- isn't it You tested this PAT & apos ?? - Of course.
Pat tested it and he said it was brilliant.
- Isn't that right, Pat? - Oh, yes, this is amazing.
It has a level of enthusiasm, it has Sati-nav,
the ringtone melody option! </ p >
I mean PAT.
Which means "testing a portable device," you dingbats!
It's time to go home.
Thank you for 8 , 2% check the dirty corridor
How! </ P>
(LOUD SCREAMING)
- He headed for the roof. - (INDISTINCT YELLING )
Help me! Help me!
Someone help me! Kelly Brook will kill me now!
- He will cut me knackers off! - (COUGH)
Archi-bee-gees, they will kill me
I dream that it has turned into a bad luck. < br /> This is a nightmare!
Look, I'm here for some peace and quiet 50 fuck off.
(BANGING ON DOOR)
p>
KELLY: We will tear your ball is dead, Keith Lemon!
He sounds very angry with me.
This is Kelly!
- Looks like you don't have long, man. - I will kill you, Keith Lemon. </ P>
I have destroyed everything. I have a chance and I blow it. </ P >
There is no other choice for selfish bastards like me.
- I will kill meself - Just do it.
I'll destroy my skull for smithereens.
I don't care.
And a fox can come along and lick me clean eyeballs! </ p >
- Adiós, amigo - (PANTING)
I'm sorry, Rosie. I'm sorry, Douglas.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry! </ P>
(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
(SPRAYING)
Rosie, regardless of my destruction handsome and I'm tallywacker, </ p >
as thick as Coke can, why are you with me & apos??
Well, everyone thinks they know Keith Lemon,
is obsessed with yourself know-that-all who really doesn't know anything
I know a few things.
But I know the real Keith Lemon.
So, will you make me white?
Leave your white pieces I like them
Fair do it.
(GIGGLING)
(BANGING ON DOOR)
- What am I doing? - Killing yourself, friend
Sylvester Stallone won't
He will return and fight the enemy and save that day.
That's what I have to do. I have to go back and save the day.
More wisely, I have to save Rosie.
- Love my life. - You're a good person
- I know that! - thank you
(THUDDING)
- What's wrong & apos ;? What's wrong, Archimedes? - (MOANING)
Do you have aneptileptic match? </ P>
Aku akan membunuhmu, Keith Lemon!
Are there doctors on the roof ?? I need a doctor!
I'm not a ginger twat. I'm a strawberry blonde.
Well, you're still twat!
(RINTIHAN)
Cheese and rice!
(EXCLAIMING)
- (SPITTING) - ( KEITH SCREAMING)
So far, you've been like me gardening angels
Guardian angels. </ P>
- Wow! - Keith , I fix you to fix me
You help me get my wings by seeing your path mistakes.
And I help you experience it a life that you think you want .
But sometimes what you want is not always what you really need
I know what I need.
(SAY )
Put me down, you will kill me!
That's it. United States in Leeds.
Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock. That's it. Your time is up.
And there doesn't seem to be a show of Lemon.
He can't like you that much, can he, eh & apos??
Livin's place of residence in London, with Kelly Brook
- Do you know what I'm thinking & apos ?; - No.
I think you're jealous of her.
I think you wish you were in London with Kelly Brook,
not stuck here in this shithole with your boyfriend who broke his head.
You I don't even have a big screen television yet. But what do you know & apos ?? Keith has.
And I'm not just talking about television
(MUMBLING) He has a point, you know. </ P>
Saya pikir kamu bilang Anda menyukai ayam kecil saya.
(MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY)
You said it was right inside you as calm as a bug on the carpet.
You know, some... Dennis, what happened to your mouth?
I don't know
Sometimes I don't know where do I stand with you, Dennis, I don't.
This is a hug and slap, and it's a hug and a slap.
You will get a slap when Keith returns.
That's a poem.
Drop him into the barrel, You tweet tweets.
There are other rhymes for you there.
Enough!
- (YELLING) - Dougie !
(INHALES SHARPLY) It must be hurt.
There. Place for warehouse warehouse Evil Steve.
Ready, man & apos;?
I'm ready.
- Good luck. - Damn!
- Peace, bruv. - Damn!
- Keith? - Rosie.
Where have you been? &
I don't know where I am.
I'm so far away I donkey chasing me a dream,
I can't see what it is.
But I want you to know all the stupid things I do...
Leaving you and having sex through clothes with the famous floozy,
doesn't really reflect about what I feel about you.
Are you going to drop me off now?
You are the second best thing It ever happened to me.
Second & apos; What's the first
- Kelly Brook, of course. I'm kidding. - Right, lower me so I can hit you
And I love you more than I love myself.
And I love myself very much.
But I also love you intruder.
What am I say is, um...
Will you marry me & apos ?;
Why do I want to marry someone who is arrogant,
self obsessed with know-it- all who really doesn't know anything & apos;?
(EXHALES)
Because you said that I made you smile.
Well , I'm not smiling now, right?
What, even if I do my horn sound & apos??
(HONKING)
You smile Is that yes & apos ?;
(SOBBING) Yes. </ P>
Yarussky! </ P>
- Can you help me?
Take him down, damn idiot.
(Laughter) Come on, then.
(CHUCKLING)
Heaven, here I come.
- KEITH: Let's finish this marriage. - (DOUGIE GROANING)
Douglas, forgive me for calling you wrong
- It's OK. - Also,
I took you down as the main person. </ P>
- Fair do & apos; s - You are now the best person
- Yes! Thank you Jesus! - (ROSIE CHUCKLING)
Oh, Keith, I'll get it speeches from the internet
I'll never be like that... Oh! </ P>
Ow! Oh, Dougie. </ P> p>
Later, we will discuss the devastating effect of
on Lemon Phone, Keith Lemon Phone.
So if you or someone else You know has been affected by the effect,
then we will discuss the effect if it has affected you
But first, a few weeks ago, we met a woman with two cunts.
Today, as a pan, our sex week,
we meet a man with a penis and one vagina.
Strange Paul, thank you very much for entering
KEITH: And when credit is rolling,
>
That way I will end cinematic 2D moralistic trip.
I want to tell you that I rotate Securipoles
to the water pump for children thirsty child from the Fourth World.
Or I find my true father and he teaches me the true meaning
race and blessings and tingling. </ p >
Or even that I keep Kelly Brook dry
until I break the tuppence into a thousand pieces.
Well, I sit with Rosie and we have three children.
Eminem, Britney and One Direction.
Archimedes can be so Pigmentation of imagination me.
But what do you know?
His writing dialog I learned important lessons.
Grass can be greener on the other hand ,
but I'm happy with my paving crazy.
And to answer that question that people always ask me,
yes, that's the size my real penis.
As thick as Coke is. > (LAUGH)
Hey, I'll tell you what, let's have some bloopers
like in Cannonball Run. </ P>
I think it's fucking < br /> when they do it in the film.
seperti di Cannonball Run.
Kupikir itu sialan ketika mereka melakukannya di film itu.
I'm strawberry blonde. I'm a blond strawberry, right?
(CHUCKLING) Leigh, stop laughing damnly.
Sorry...
- sorry Yes I know. - Here it is now
MAN: There's something on Paddy's chin just there, a little shiny.
WOMEN: I think it's my lipstick. </ P>
- MAN: Alright. - Oh dear. </ P>
Wonder how to get there & apos ?; (LAUGH)
It's a little awkward. </ P>
WOMEN: Really? MAN: Stand by. </ P>
And arrogant attitude, I sounds like sound.
Sound is heard.
(LAUGH)
Sounds like a pound.
What is it? Is it This is nonsense, bruv?
Well, that's my phone and it looks like you broke it.
And that is Billy Ocean and I think it sings very well.
LEIGH FRANCIS: ♪ And do the things that you love do
♪ Because when things get tough
♪ It's hard to go
FRANCIS: ♪ When things get bad ♪
(BOTH CONTINUE HUMMING)
(LAUGH)
Oh, fuck, I can't cancel it. (LAUGH)
How sexy is that?
MAN: Look! Debris.
That's the second time you've messed it up in the ass.
What do you want & apos;?
VERNE TROYER: Fuck
- do you want to make love? - TROYER: No.
What's the use & apos;? </ P>
(CHUCKLING)
Playback selector! </ P>
- That's the signal. - (LAUGH)
That means press...
That's the story "press the button."
(ALL THOUGHTS)
- Simon Pegg? < br /> - No, Ronan Keating.
- Oh, right, yes, from Take That. - No, it's Gary Barlow.
No, Simon Pegg.
Even though I thought, "Gary Barlow."
- You screwed it up. - No, you did
(BOTH SEA)
>
(KEITH LAUGHING)
KEITH: Oh, that's funny. I fucking love bloopers!
Ah, miss me, me!
♪ I like to see girls around
♪ When they come out and shoppin & apos; in the city
♪ They make me wild I can't help but smile
♪ I'll ask her name, it's so sweet, polite
♪ And all the good girls always reply
♪ While some of them hold them back high heads and answers. ..
- GIRL: I don't think so, baby! - ♪ And keep going, I like girls
♪ You like the good, I like the bad
♪ Freaky and crazy, sexy and happy
♪ I like girls ♪ Feel any taste
♪ Chocolate, vanilla , caramel what I like ♪ I like girls
♪ Then I need a very broad choice - big girl, skinny girl, close-to-perfection girl
♪ When they make me smile and giggle
♪ And it's simple and simple
♪ I like it when they move their bodies and they shake their bodies
♪ Ordinary and simple ♪ I like it as they move their bodies
♪ And they shake their bodies
♪ Ordinary and simple ♪ I like it when they move their bodies
♪ And they shake their bodies
♪ Ordinary and simple ♪ I like it when they move their bodies
♪ And they shake their bodies
♪ And it's simple and simple
♪ You know I like them, all kinds of girls
♪ I like girls who don't care
♪ Like Alicia, Natasha, Angela and Pam
♪ I will take them one at a time
♪ In the end they are cleansed, done and done
♪ He wants to talk, I just want to know your name
♪ And you can come and play my game < br /> ♪ I like it when they move their bodies
♪ And they shake their bodies
♪ Ordinary and simple ♪ I like it when they move their bodies </ p >
♪ And they shake their bodies
♪ Ordinary and simple ♪ I like it when they move their bodies
♪ And they shake their bodies
♪ Ordinary and simple ♪ I like it when they move their bodies
♪ And they shake their bodies... ♪