0
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1
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♪ Yo ♪
2
00:00:09,417 --> 00:00:12,497
♪ Finally it's here
You know I'm finally here ♪
3
00:00:13,833 --> 00:00:16,883
♪ Finally here
You know I'm finally here ♪
4
00:00:17,833 --> 00:00:20,253
♪ I heard these people talking about
Where am I ♪
5
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♪ I'm on a tour trying to do it ♪
6
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♪ They talk like that
"Man, you finally succeeded, dawg" ♪
7
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♪ Damn, I'm working for copping
My second home ♪
8
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♪ I remember when I returned
Nobody wants to listen ♪
9
00:00:28,833 --> 00:00:30,923
♪ The kind of funny done comes and goes ♪
10
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♪ But I'm still here
And I don't go anywhere ♪
11
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♪ Well, this is my time, comfortable
This is where I belong ♪
12
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♪ Actually, I'm a savage person... ♪
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I'm at home, you guys.
14
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[laughs]
15
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Look at the diversity in this room.
16
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Every color
17
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[applause and applause]
18
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That's what I like about Seattle.
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There are every color
just mix with other people
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[audience laughs]
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Good
22
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We have Latin people here.
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[cheering]
24
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Somehow you swim.
25
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"Keep going!
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I swear to God, mijo.
Continue!"
27
00:01:34,708 --> 00:01:37,418
When I first moved here -
Like, when I lived here,
28
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Here is the Indian casino
starting to open
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Like Muckleshoot.
Remember that?
Is that still there?
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00:01:47,042 --> 00:01:49,542
- [crowd] Yeah!
-masalah?
31
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But when an Asian says it,
It sounds more Asian than India.
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[Asian accent]
"Muckleshoot you want to play -
33
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Where do you play
Muck - Muckleshoot.
34
00:02:00,833 --> 00:02:04,583
Play blackjack on Muckle - Muckleshoot. "
35
00:02:10,625 --> 00:02:13,875
You go to Indian reservations.
I've never seen an Indian.
36
00:02:15,375 --> 00:02:19,575
There's more - I didn't see anything.
It's just all Vietnamese and...
37
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Chinese.
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That's all.
I want to see Indians.
One.
Only one.
Give me one Indian.
39
00:02:29,708 --> 00:02:32,668
I want to see Pocahontas.
Only one Pocahontas.
40
00:02:32,750 --> 00:02:36,960
Just give me an Indian woman.
An Indian woman.
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I swear to God, if I find it, it's all over.
42
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It's over.
I want a hot Indian wife,
and I will marry her,
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and I will have ten children with her,
44
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So when I load the van,
I can go...
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00:02:51,667 --> 00:02:54,327
♪ One little, two small
Three little Indians ♪
46
00:02:54,417 --> 00:02:56,457
♪ Four small, five small
Six little Indians ♪
47
00:02:56,542 --> 00:02:58,212
♪ Seven little, eight little - ♪
48
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I like watching -
When women laugh, that's my favorite.
49
00:03:04,125 --> 00:03:06,955
Because when women laugh,
they laugh out loud
50
00:03:07,792 --> 00:03:09,712
They don't care.
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00:03:09,792 --> 00:03:12,582
If it's funny, they're like,
"Oh, my God. <
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00:03:13,458 --> 00:03:17,498
53
00:03:17,583 --> 00:03:19,253
Ten Indians.
And then he will count,
like a damn song!
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Funny!
55
00:03:24,083 --> 00:03:27,883
[sobbing] < br /> Funny! "
56
00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:32,955
Women will laugh and cry
because they are emotional beings.
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00:03:33,042 --> 00:03:36,132
They can't give you one emotion.
"I have to give you two!
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00:03:37,375 --> 00:03:40,825
Ha ha ha!
Are you serious?
Are you happy?
59
00:03:40,917 --> 00:03:44,577
Ha ha ha!
Fuck
Fuck
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00:03:44,667 --> 00:03:47,327
Seriously, stop !
Fuck! "
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[crying]
62
00:03:48,958 --> 00:03:51,078
And they do this nonsense.
What is that?
63
00:03:51,917 --> 00:03:56,747
Because they cry,
And that's how they dry the tears.
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00:03:56,833 --> 00:04:00,173
Fanning tears.
That's damn water!
65
00:04:00,958 --> 00:04:03,038
You can't fan the water!
66
00:04:03,125 --> 00:04:06,955
You don't come out of the bathroom and leave,
"Oh, God, showering is amazing.
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00:04:07,750 --> 00:04:11,460
Oh my God!
I'll be late!"
68
00:04:18,125 --> 00:04:23,035
Women will laugh and pee.
They don't care.
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00:04:23,125 --> 00:04:27,785
Di muka umum.
Di muka umum!
Di depan teman mereka.
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00:04:27,875 --> 00:04:29,205
They don't care.
They will tell their friends,
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00:04:29,292 --> 00:04:32,002
"He's funny right?"
"I know, I just peed a little.
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I swear to God. "
" A little, Bitch, that's a lot. "
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00:04:34,917 --> 00:04:39,457
" I don't care.
That's funny.
That's funny. "
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00:04:41,250 --> 00:04:43,580
And I like when women laugh
75
00:04:43,667 --> 00:04:46,627
and they threaten
that they want you to stop,
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and if they don't, they will urinate.
They threaten you.
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00:04:49,417 --> 00:04:53,917
"Stop, no, seriously, stop!
I swear to God, I'll pee!
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Stop it!
God !
Stop!
Stop!
I'll pee.
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00:04:59,625 --> 00:05:01,245
Look see!
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00:05:03,333 --> 00:05:05,333
Seriously.
81
00:05:06,667 --> 00:05:08,877
You crazy. "
82
00:05:19,208 --> 00:05:20,668
This is amazing.
83
00:05:21,500 --> 00:05:23,040
Look, he's crying right now!
84
00:05:23,125 --> 00:05:26,915
Where's the hand
Look at the woman!
And then look at her groin.
Piss.
85
00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:30,500
She's just annoyed.
You got it on tape right?
86
00:05:30,583 --> 00:05:32,463
Welcome to Hollywood, bitch.
87
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He does exactly what I say.
He goes like that, then goes like that,
88
00:05:36,375 --> 00:05:39,705
and he goes, like, "Oh, my God.
Stop being unlucky!
I will be unlucky!
89
00:05:39,792 --> 00:05:43,042
I'll be unlucky.
You want me to be bad luck?
I'll be annoying. "
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00:05:46,208 --> 00:05:49,038
I'm half white, half Filipino.
That's me.
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00:05:52,708 --> 00:05:55,038
Which means my father is in the military.
92
00:06:02,708 --> 00:06:04,248
That's even not a joke.
93
00:06:04,333 --> 00:06:06,043
That's bullshit.
94
00:06:07,083 --> 00:06:09,133
Lots of soldiers fighting
for this country
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00:06:09,208 --> 00:06:10,538
My father is dating.
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00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:13,830
I am the Purple Heart.
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00:06:17,042 --> 00:06:19,752
My father will say cross-border nonsense
for me when I was little
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00:06:20,542 --> 00:06:23,132
Borderline-racist shit.
But I know he's kidding.
This is my father
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00:06:23,208 --> 00:06:26,078
Just sitting at the dinner table, like,
"You know why I married mom You, right? "
100
00:06:26,167 --> 00:06:27,327
I, like," Why? "
101
00:06:28,500 --> 00:06:30,000
" Because I love Chinese food. "
102
00:06:38,458 --> 00:06:40,208
" He's a Filipino, Dad. "
103
00:06:42,792 --> 00:06:44,132
"Whatever.
104
00:06:46,500 --> 00:06:47,920
Rice is rice."
105
00:06:49,125 --> 00:06:53,495
What's the matter
"Rice is rice!"
106
00:06:53,583 --> 00:06:55,633
That's very racist!
107
00:06:56,500 --> 00:06:59,580
I didn't knock on what my mother had to do
to get to America
108
00:06:59,667 --> 00:07:03,747
Damn it
That's the hustle and bustle.
That's the hustle and bustle.
109
00:07:04,500 --> 00:07:05,880
God bless you, ma'am.
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00:07:05,958 --> 00:07:08,458
You are connected with a soldier
and have children in America.
111
00:07:08,542 --> 00:07:13,212
Tuhan memberkatimu, Bu.
Dia melakukan apa yang harus dilakukannya.
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00:07:13,292 --> 00:07:16,082
He could have contact with Filipinos
and have children in the Philippines.
113
00:07:16,167 --> 00:07:19,167
Do you know how many comedians are made
in the Philippines?
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00:07:19,917 --> 00:07:23,327
A chicken and flip-flops.
Fuck that
Fuck that
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00:07:23,417 --> 00:07:25,207
I don't even like flip flops.
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00:07:29,708 --> 00:07:30,878
My mother is bullshit.
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00:07:30,958 --> 00:07:34,378
Mother and my father divorced
When I was 10, 11 years old.
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My mother had to raise us alone.
He did it himself.
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00:07:39,833 --> 00:07:42,173
Tough luck.
He has -
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[applause and applause]
121
00:07:44,375 --> 00:07:46,705
Sometimes it's a bit too difficult.
122
00:07:46,792 --> 00:07:49,582
Like, that's an illegal limit, but...
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It sucked.
124
00:07:53,750 --> 00:07:55,920
My mother never took us to the doctor.
125
00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:59,130
My mother raised us like we still
in the Philippines.
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00:08:00,333 --> 00:08:05,083
Dia mencoba menyembuhkan segala sesuatu di rumah,
seperti wanita Filipina sejati.
127
00:08:05,917 --> 00:08:09,827
You have to die to go to the hospital.
128
00:08:10,667 --> 00:08:14,957
Poop.
My mother cures everything
with Vicks VapoRub.
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Vicks VapoRub!
130
00:08:20,292 --> 00:08:23,792
I should have died nine times
when I was little
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00:08:23,875 --> 00:08:27,625
It was abuse!
There was one time
I thought I had pneumonia.
132
00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:28,998
I went, "Mom, I think I have pneumonia."
133
00:08:29,083 --> 00:08:31,633
He said, "I will add Vicks extra
on your body, Yusuf.
134
00:08:32,583 --> 00:08:37,793
Just rub it where- where, Yusuf. Rub it on the bottom of the foot,
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00:08:37,875 --> 00:08:40,035
and then put the sock on the foot,
136
00:08:41,083 --> 00:08:44,043
and then pneumonia
Will get out of the leg, Joseph. "
137
00:08:47,750 --> 00:08:50,330
I'm just holding the damn Vicks.
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00:08:52,792 --> 00:08:54,582
I should have called the police.
139
00:08:57,375 --> 00:08:59,575
One time I was very sick -
I swear to God, a true story -
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00:08:59,667 --> 00:09:03,247
I went, "Mom, I don't feel good.
I can't sleep
I can't sleep, Mom."
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00:09:03,333 --> 00:09:06,633
My mother grabbed her finger
and pressed it at Vicks
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and rub it on my eyelids.
143
00:09:10,458 --> 00:09:12,418
On top of my eyelids!
144
00:09:13,375 --> 00:09:16,495
The dirt burns very badly
I go, "Mom, it's burning!
145
00:09:16,583 --> 00:09:18,753
I can't open my eyes! "
146
00:09:18,833 --> 00:09:20,673
My mother said," Okay, then you can sleep.
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00:09:23,375 --> 00:09:24,995
Good night, Joseph. "<
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00:09:30,917 --> 00:09:32,667
He doesn't care.
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00:09:35,083 --> 00:09:36,423
That means.
150
00:09:37,875 --> 00:09:42,625
He never hit us.
My mother never hit us.
He just made us scared.
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00:09:42,708 --> 00:09:45,828
He likes to curse,
and he used to flex like that.
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00:09:45,917 --> 00:09:49,577
Dia biasa melakukan omong kosong itu!
Dia membawanya ke Amerika!
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00:09:50,542 --> 00:09:54,292
Anyone who does this nonsense,
hey, my mom started that nonsense.
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00:09:54,375 --> 00:09:58,625
He did it for all of us.
You know how embarrassing it is,
155
00:09:58,708 --> 00:10:02,708
to be pumped by four feet eight
Asian woman in a fucking mall
156
00:10:02,792 --> 00:10:05,922
"Get away from that damn Lockstone.
Get out of Foot Locker!"
157
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:08,380
" I'm not even in Foot Locker! "
158
00:10:17,750 --> 00:10:21,420
I used to cry and say to my mother,
" Mom, if I have children,
159
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I will never do what You did it to me
for my children
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00:10:26,625 --> 00:10:29,455
And my mother looked at me - I swear to God -
He put his hand on my shoulder and left,
161
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" Joseph, promise, okay?
162
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Never had children. "
163
00:10:46,667 --> 00:10:48,877
Damn my dream
I tell you this:
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I am a comedian,
that really goes against wheat
165
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If you have a Filipino mother.
166
00:10:53,875 --> 00:10:58,785
If you have a Filipino mother, it doesn't
/> career choices that you should have.
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00:10:58,875 --> 00:11:03,665
Filipino mothers determine what their children
should be when they grow up.
168
00:11:03,750 --> 00:11:05,330
And you know I don't make this nonsense
169
00:11:05,417 --> 00:11:08,207
There are many Filipinos here -
I know -
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that is nurses.
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00:11:17,500 --> 00:11:20,130
Today is a good day to get hurt
on the show...
172
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because there will be nurses here,
like...
173
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[in a Filipino accent] "Oh, my God.
Put a cold compress on your head.
174
00:11:26,083 --> 00:11:30,083
Elebate the peet!
Elebate--
Elebate the peet. "
175
00:11:30,167 --> 00:11:34,327
" What is & apos; elebate & apos;? "< br /> "Lift it up! Lift the peet pucking!
176
00:11:34,417 --> 00:11:35,957
Are you stupid?"
177
00:11:38,750 --> 00:11:43,290
And I'm not - I'm not holding you back
to being a nurse
178
00:11:43,375 --> 00:11:46,575
That's a good job, the benefits are great,
good money
179
00:11:46,667 --> 00:11:49,577
I'm just saying, that's not your dream.
180
00:11:50,625 --> 00:11:53,125
That's the dream of your Filipino mother.
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00:11:54,042 --> 00:11:57,632
My mother wants me to be a nurse.
Are you kidding me?
182
00:11:57,708 --> 00:12:02,538
Filipino mother babbling about a child's dream their children.
And you know I don't lie.
183
00:12:02,625 --> 00:12:06,535
You know I don't lie.
You can't have dreams.
184
00:12:06,625 --> 00:12:08,415
"What are you talking about - dream? "
185
00:12:09,875 --> 00:12:13,125
I told my mother that I want to be a comedian.
She cries.
" Why?
186
00:12:13,958 --> 00:12:16,828
Why do you want to be a comedian, Joseph? <
187
00:12:17,625 --> 00:12:22,995
All your aunts are nurses,
your cousin is a nurse.
188
00:12:23,083 --> 00:12:25,883
Have you seen a clown in this family?
189
00:12:25,958 --> 00:12:28,498
Bukan saya.
Apakah kamu?"
190
00:12:32,292 --> 00:12:34,132
Damn on my dream there.
191
00:12:34,208 --> 00:12:38,458
Just look at me and go like this:
"Joseph, who said you were funny?
192
00:12:43,792 --> 00:12:45,632
Not me."
193
00:12:48,542 --> 00:12:49,752
It's chaotic.
194
00:12:51,208 --> 00:12:53,578
I just said -
You're a nurse, God bless you.
195
00:12:53,667 --> 00:12:55,577
But you know
There are some nurses outside there
196
00:12:55,667 --> 00:12:57,207
It didn't follow his dream.
197
00:12:57,292 --> 00:12:58,922
There were a number of nurses working
in the hospital
198
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:00,630
who wished they were Jabbawockee.
199
00:13:01,542 --> 00:13:03,042
You know exactly what I'm talking about.
200
00:13:04,042 --> 00:13:06,542
"Hey, follow me to X-rays."
"I'll follow you..."
201
00:13:14,958 --> 00:13:16,998
Cursed, nurse it can dance.
202
00:13:18,167 --> 00:13:20,207
"That's always my dream.
203
00:13:22,708 --> 00:13:25,578
My mother doesn't believe me."
204
00:13:26,417 --> 00:13:27,667
Oh, shit.
205
00:13:35,375 --> 00:13:38,625
This is good nurse or postman.
206
00:13:40,375 --> 00:13:42,705
Mailman is another strong choice.
207
00:13:43,667 --> 00:13:46,627
Oh, shit.
My mother cried
and even suggested,
208
00:13:46,708 --> 00:13:48,828
"Joseph, be a postman.
209
00:13:48,917 --> 00:13:54,247
Your uncle is mailmen.
Your cousin, they're a letter person. "
210
00:13:55,125 --> 00:13:59,325
My stepfather, he's white.
He's a bad postman!
211
00:13:59,417 --> 00:14:02,957
I swear to God.
I ask him,
"Fred, why did you become a postman?"
212
00:14:03,042 --> 00:14:04,922
He, like, "Your mom told me
to be a postman
213
00:14:06,042 --> 00:14:08,882
He raving about my dream. "
214
00:14:12,333 --> 00:14:14,043
I came home from school,
215
00:14:14,125 --> 00:14:16,995
and my mother told my uncle to come
and talk to me
216
00:14:17,083 --> 00:14:20,083
about going to the post office
217
00:14:20,167 --> 00:14:22,377
That's how - right?
It's messy, isn't it?
218
00:14:22,458 --> 00:14:23,958
Coming home from school,
and this is my uncle
219
00:14:24,042 --> 00:14:28,582
By the way, my uncle is one of
Filipinos who hid their accent.
220
00:14:28,667 --> 00:14:31,747
He has a thick accent,
But he likes to hide his accent
221
00:14:31,833 --> 00:14:34,713
because he doesn't want anyone to think
that he has an accent.
222
00:14:34,792 --> 00:14:37,172
And that's just ended sounding
like a worse accent.
223
00:14:38,125 --> 00:14:40,165
He sounds like a Filipino Elvis.
224
00:14:41,125 --> 00:14:43,205
And I went home, I came through the door.
He rose , he, like...
225
00:14:43,292 --> 00:14:45,962
[deep voice, thick accent]
"Joseph, let me talk to you for a while.
226
00:14:54,375 --> 00:14:56,625
So, I hear you want to be a comedian? "
227
00:14:56,708 --> 00:14:58,668
Like, what did you say?
228
00:15:00,208 --> 00:15:03,328
Philippine mother,
stopped turning into a Filipino mother
230
00:15:08,083 --> 00:15:10,293
but I can tell you,
I don't know all of you,
231
00:15:10,375 --> 00:15:14,375
but if you meet my mother,
I guarantee she looks like your mother.
234
00:15:21,583 --> 00:15:24,003
Mereka hanya dipotong dari kain yang sama.
235
00:15:24,958 --> 00:15:26,878
I don't know what it is
about Filipino women
236
00:15:26,958 --> 00:15:30,038
They are beautiful at the age of 20,
but just when they hit 69,
237
00:15:30,125 --> 00:15:32,455
they are all morph < br /> to the same Filipino woman
239
00:15:36,917 --> 00:15:38,377
Louis Vuitton bag
240
00:15:09,875 --> 00:15:43,125
"Where are we? Seattle? Moore Theater?"
241
00:15:46,875 --> 00:15:48,415
[laughing]
242
00:15:50,292 --> 00:15:52,212
Break the mold, man.
244
00:15:57,029 --> 00:16:01,332
I looked at my child right in the eye,
and I went, "Joe, look, if you dream
245
00:16:01,417 --> 00:16:04,037
and you think you want to do it
and you believe it,
246
00:16:04,125 --> 00:16:07,535
then chase the dream.
That will happen.
That's what I said.
247
00:16:07,625 --> 00:16:09,125
[applause and applause]
248
00:16:10,333 --> 00:16:13,083
"As long as you continue
To follow the dream,
249
00:16:13,167 --> 00:16:15,997
your father's back to you
I have you, bro, 100 percent."
250
00:16:16,083 --> 00:16:17,883
He said, "Oh, my God, thank you, Father."
251
00:16:17,958 --> 00:16:20,168
I go, "What do you want
when you grow up?"
252
00:16:20,250 --> 00:16:22,380
He said, "I want to be an architect."
253
00:16:23,417 --> 00:16:24,537
And I leave, "Joe...
255
00:16:29,125 --> 00:16:32,455
You have another dream
What are you talking about?
256
00:16:32,542 --> 00:16:36,632
Have you ever thought about breastfeeding?
Get out of here."
257
00:16:37,625 --> 00:16:40,665
I love my child, but I understand
where my mother came from,
258
00:16:40,750 --> 00:16:42,130
because she was that age.
259
00:16:42,208 --> 00:16:45,958
Right when he was 12 years old, that's when <
260
00:16:46,792 --> 00:16:48,882
And that's when I stopped
taking care of him
261
00:16:48,958 --> 00:16:51,418
Because that's what you should do
when you're an old man
262
00:16:51,500 --> 00:16:53,830
p>
263
00:16:54,875 --> 00:16:56,285
Twelve?
"You have to know how to
brush your teeth now
264
00:16:56,375 --> 00:16:58,915
But now I ignore the fact
that he doesn't brush his teeth,
265
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:03,920
I have to be satisfied with his breath.
266
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:06,460
His breath feels hot.
267
00:17:07,500 --> 00:17:09,960
Hot .
And he breathes when he speaks.
268
00:17:10,042 --> 00:17:11,252
[breathing sounds]
"Father.
269
00:17:12,958 --> 00:17:14,578
Father.
270
00:17:14,667 --> 00:17:16,247
Father." <
271
00:17:16,333 --> 00:17:19,333
I, like, "Joe, what should I say
when do you talk to me?"
272
00:17:20,417 --> 00:17:21,707
"Face the wall."
273
00:17:26,542 --> 00:17:28,382
"Face the wall and write it down.
274
00:17:29,417 --> 00:17:31,787
Let me read it
You tried telling me. "
275
00:17:33,500 --> 00:17:35,250
Armpit
Fuck.
276
00:17:36,083 --> 00:17:38,463
Armpits smell like chopped onions
277
00:17:39,208 --> 00:17:42,128
And I'm always angry.
I'm like,
"Joe, why do I smell it first?
278
00:17:42,208 --> 00:17:45,878
I'm here.
You're right fucking here. "
279
00:17:49,208 --> 00:17:51,708
I take a deodorant every time.
" Joe, this is what you have to do.
280
00:17:51,792 --> 00:17:54,962
Just rub under this armpit like that.
That's all you have to do.
281
00:17:55,042 --> 00:17:56,542
Now, listen to me.
This is the important part.
282
00:17:56,625 --> 00:18:00,575
When you go to the other armpit,
I want you to go to your mouth. "
283
00:18:10,042 --> 00:18:16,582
It's just dirty
My child is dirty
He likes it.
He thinks it's the funniest thing.
284
00:18:16,667 --> 00:18:18,497
Still doesn't know how to
sneeze right.
285
00:18:18,583 --> 00:18:20,083
Are you kidding me?
286
00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:23,167
My friend has a daughter
The same time I have my child.
287
00:18:23,250 --> 00:18:25,330
She's funny all her life
288
00:18:25,417 --> 00:18:28,537
When he is going to sneeze, he will announce it.
"I have to sneeze, Mommy.
289
00:18:28,625 --> 00:18:30,665
I need a napkin. "
290
00:18:32,083 --> 00:18:33,713
His mother will hit a napkin.
291
00:18:33,792 --> 00:18:35,462
" Here it is, darling.
Put your nose on a napkin. "
292
00:18:35,542 --> 00:18:38,632
" I have to sneeze, Mom.
I have to sneeze. "
293
00:18:38,708 --> 00:18:39,958
[soft sneezing]
294
00:18:42,125 --> 00:18:43,665
This is very beautiful.
295
00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:46,383
Sparkles.
296
00:18:49,125 --> 00:18:51,785
When my child sneezes, there is no announcement.
297
00:18:51,875 --> 00:18:56,165
His face explodes, in the middle of a conversation.
298
00:18:56,250 --> 00:18:58,580
It always happens in restaurants.
299
00:18:58,667 --> 00:19:00,327
He, like, "Daddy,
do you see how many points -"
300
00:19:00,417 --> 00:19:01,577
[spark]
301
00:19:08,792 --> 00:19:11,042
And then I still help him.
I take a napkin.
302
00:19:11,125 --> 00:19:14,955
"Here, clean your face, Joe."
Because I'm a good father.
303
00:19:15,042 --> 00:19:17,332
Let me do that with my mom
when I was little
304
00:19:17,417 --> 00:19:19,707
Dirt
at the dinner table.
305
00:19:19,792 --> 00:19:21,132
"Mom, can you pass -"
[splash ]
306
00:19:21,208 --> 00:19:23,328
"Are you kidding me?
307
00:19:27,792 --> 00:19:30,632
Did your hand break when you sneezed?
308
00:19:30,708 --> 00:19:33,628
When you sneeze,
you can't use your fucking hand ?
309
00:19:33,708 --> 00:19:38,128
You can't go like that
Now there are boogers on the chicken.
310
00:19:39,667 --> 00:19:42,077
You eat all chicken boogers,
Yusuf.
311
00:19:42,167 --> 00:19:45,747
All of that is yours
Enjoy boogers and chicken.
312
00:19:45,833 --> 00:19:47,173
Delicious, huh? "
313
00:19:49,583 --> 00:19:52,833
All week, I have to eat
chicken booger sandwich at school
314
00:19:53,750 --> 00:19:56,130
And he will make fun of me.
" How about your sandwich?
315
00:19:56,917 --> 00:19:58,327
Salty,
316
00:19:59,208 --> 00:20:00,578
Shut your mouth. "
317
00:20:01,250 --> 00:20:03,000
I am ready for my child,
318
00:20:03,083 --> 00:20:06,383
and I am prepared financially
to take care of him for the next 15 years.
319
00:20:08,333 --> 00:20:11,043
I know that.
As a man, as a father,
320
00:20:11,125 --> 00:20:13,665
I know I have to take care of my child
for the next 15 years.
321
00:20:13,750 --> 00:20:15,460
Why?
Because he's male man.
322
00:20:16,583 --> 00:20:19,833
Boys don't leave the damn house.
They don't leave.
323
00:20:19,917 --> 00:20:22,747
How do I know that?
Because I didn't leave the house.
324
00:20:23,833 --> 00:20:26,503
I didn't leave home until I was 28 years old.
325
00:20:26,583 --> 00:20:29,083
"I don't go, my mother can cook."
326
00:20:30,250 --> 00:20:31,790
And I'm ready for that.
327
00:20:31,875 --> 00:20:34,495
Well, if I have a daughter,
I won't take penny.
328
00:20:34,583 --> 00:20:37,043
Not a penny
Not a penny
Why?
329
00:20:37,125 --> 00:20:40,325
Because girls are faster,
they grow faster,
330
00:20:40,417 --> 00:20:42,747
and they got rid of him from home!
331
00:20:43,917 --> 00:20:48,877
"Don't talk to me like that, ma'am!
That's bullshit!
I'm a fucking woman
332
00:20:50,208 --> 00:20:51,748
Don't touch me, Dad. "
333
00:20:53,333 --> 00:20:57,083
Girls at 18 don't care.
They are ready for the world.
334
00:20:57,167 --> 00:20:59,747
And you know what I'm talking about.
Don't act like you don't.
335
00:20:59,833 --> 00:21:02,293
There is a woman here who is left behind at 18.
336
00:21:02,375 --> 00:21:05,415
And the reason why I know
is because I have two sisters -
337
00:21:05,500 --> 00:21:08,250
Gemma and Rowena.
Both depart at 18,
338
00:21:08,333 --> 00:21:10,503
and both of them don't return.
339
00:21:11,375 --> 00:21:14,035
Those are some gangster nonsense.
340
00:21:14,125 --> 00:21:18,915
My sister Rowena was the first to leave.
Has a full-time job at Wendy & sos.
341
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:21,420
Swear to God
Shift supervisor
342
00:21:21,500 --> 00:21:24,250
He thinks he's a fucking millionaire!
343
00:21:26,583 --> 00:21:29,923
Show my salary every week.
"Look at this crap "I'm rich."
344
00:21:31,875 --> 00:21:35,325
And he's ready.
Enter the final fight
with my mother in the living room.
345
00:21:35,417 --> 00:21:38,827
He has it.
" Whatever, Mom, I'm leaving.
I'm out of here.
346
00:21:38,917 --> 00:21:41,707
I'm sick of this damn rule.
I'm old enough to take care of myself.
347
00:21:41,792 --> 00:21:44,672
And you know what?
Brian and I,
we've searched for a place,
348
00:21:44,750 --> 00:21:47,710
and when we find it,
I'm out of here! "
349
00:21:49,375 --> 00:21:51,995
Dan ibuku hanya menatapnya
dan pergi, "Apakah Anda gila?
350
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:54,960
Get out of here now. "
351
00:21:59,917 --> 00:22:03,827
And my sister doesn't even budge.
" Alright, damn it! I'm out of here! "
352
00:22:03,917 --> 00:22:08,247
And he left.
My sister left at 18
and never returned.
353
00:22:08,333 --> 00:22:10,753
That's some gangster nonsense.
354
00:22:10,833 --> 00:22:14,333
I remember that day like yesterday.
He was in the garage,
355
00:22:14,417 --> 00:22:16,327
loading the trunk of his car
with all the crap,
356
00:22:16,417 --> 00:22:17,917
and I was in upstairs in my room.
357
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:21,750
Then my sister shouted to my room,
"I love you so much, Joe!"
358
00:22:21,833 --> 00:22:23,213
And I started crying.
359
00:22:24,083 --> 00:22:26,633
Dan I looked at my mother.
I went, "He will die!
360
00:22:33,500 --> 00:22:35,920
He will die, ma'am! "
361
00:22:36,792 --> 00:22:39,252
And my mother looked at me and left,
" Well, then let her die.
362
00:22:41,750 --> 00:22:43,790
You want to die with him, Joseph? "
363
00:22:43,875 --> 00:22:46,165
" I don't want to die! "
364
00:22:47,833 --> 00:22:50,503
And he left, and he never returned.
365
00:22:50,583 --> 00:22:53,923
Then my other sister, Gemma, 18 - left.
He never returned.
366
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:56,960
My sister is bullshit.
Crap
367
00:22:57,042 --> 00:22:59,332
Because I didn't leave until the age of 28.
368
00:23:00,542 --> 00:23:03,632
Twenty-eight!
And even then
I'm not sure I'm ready to go.
369
00:23:03,708 --> 00:23:05,208
I swear to God.
370
00:23:05,292 --> 00:23:08,132
I remember standing in the doorway
with a garbage bag full of my clothes,
371
00:23:08,208 --> 00:23:11,168
and I looked at my mother.
I left,
"Mom, are you sure you want me to go?"
372
00:23:18,125 --> 00:23:20,915
And my mother said, "Yes, Joseph. It's time. <
373
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:25,080
It's time for you to be a man now, Joseph.
374
00:23:26,625 --> 00:23:28,415
Now move to the garage. "
375
00:23:35,625 --> 00:23:38,205
And I move to the workshop
like a fucking guy
376
00:23:39,042 --> 00:23:40,212
Twenty-eight.
377
00:23:41,667 --> 00:23:43,497
And then I go back to position 29.
378
00:23:45,250 --> 00:23:46,540
In the garage it feels cold.
379
00:23:47,625 --> 00:23:50,535
I go, "Mom, there's no insulation
in the garage."
380
00:23:50,625 --> 00:23:54,625
And my mom let me in.
"Come back here, Joseph."
381
00:23:54,708 --> 00:23:57,958
That's what he always does.
I always have a second and third chance.
382
00:23:58,042 --> 00:24:02,042
"Come back here, Joseph.
I'm just joking.
383
00:24:03,500 --> 00:24:06,380
I thought you were a comedian."
384
00:24:11,292 --> 00:24:13,382
And I returned to position 29.
385
00:24:14,208 --> 00:24:17,998
And then I moved again to 32.
But damn it.
That's what boys do.
386
00:24:20,458 --> 00:24:23,208
Poop
My sister never get it
second chance
387
00:24:23,292 --> 00:24:26,132
Once they leave, that's all.
He doesn't care.
388
00:24:26,208 --> 00:24:27,288
"Goodbye.
389
00:24:28,375 --> 00:24:29,955
Don't call me
390
00:24:31,958 --> 00:24:34,498
Do you think you can do it?
Oh, go.
Do it.
391
00:24:35,375 --> 00:24:37,495
It's cold out there, huh? "
392
00:24:39,417 --> 00:24:42,707
My sister will experience an epic fight
with my mother.
393
00:24:42,792 --> 00:24:45,462
Like, some of the nonsense they will say -
is extraordinary.
394
00:24:45,542 --> 00:24:47,832
I remember watching that fight
when I was little
395
00:24:47,917 --> 00:24:51,287
My sister Rowena, especially.
Damn.
Every weekend.
396
00:24:51,375 --> 00:24:52,915
"Mom, I will go with my friend.
397
00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:54,880
Why do you always ask me?
every time I go with my friend? "
398
00:24:54,958 --> 00:24:57,288
" Yes, because every weekend,
it's a different person. "
399
00:24:57,375 --> 00:25:00,075
" Yeah, Mom, this is called dating.
I'm dating people.
I'm allowed to do that
400
00:25:00,167 --> 00:25:01,957
I don't go to school anymore.
I make my own money.
401
00:25:02,042 --> 00:25:04,382
I want to go out and date and have fun.
Is that a big problem? "
402
00:25:04,458 --> 00:25:05,958
"Yeah, but you're out every weekend,
403
00:25:06,042 --> 00:25:08,252
just hanging around with different people
all the time."
404
00:25:08,333 --> 00:25:10,003
"They're not different people!
They're my friends! "
405
00:25:10,083 --> 00:25:11,963
" Sure, they're your friends.
They're just people out there.
406
00:25:12,042 --> 00:25:14,382
You give your pekpek away
for all people!
407
00:25:14,458 --> 00:25:16,168
You don't even know them.
Who wants to be worried?
You want to be respectful
408
00:25:16,250 --> 00:25:19,040
That you want to be
you want?
There!
It's free! "
409
00:25:22,500 --> 00:25:24,040
" Pekpek "is" pussy. "
410
00:25:27,625 --> 00:25:28,785
There are some people who get it,
411
00:25:28,875 --> 00:25:31,125
But then there is some, like,
"Did he give chicken?
412
00:25:32,125 --> 00:25:34,825
Every weekend, he has chicken
and he gives it?
413
00:25:34,917 --> 00:25:36,287
It's expensive."
414
00:25:38,833 --> 00:25:43,173
But now they are made.
Now they are friends.
Best friends
415
00:25:43,250 --> 00:25:45,790
Seeing my mother and sister:
That nonsense is funny
416
00:25:46,583 --> 00:25:50,173
Just seeing my mother crying.
"I just want you to know that...
417
00:25:50,250 --> 00:25:53,630
I don't think you are giving your friends away
for everyone.
418
00:25:56,792 --> 00:26:00,292
"Well, I don't, Mom. It's here.
That's the same thing you gave me. "
419
00:26:02,750 --> 00:26:05,460
Man, I understand, ma'am.
God bless you.
That nonsense is difficult
420
00:26:05,542 --> 00:26:09,292
My son is 13, and it continues
harder and harder
421
00:26:09,375 --> 00:26:10,915
This is very difficult.
422
00:26:11,958 --> 00:26:14,458
My son is in seventh grade.
Fuck.
423
00:26:15,292 --> 00:26:17,962
I want all of you new parents
to find out this now
424
00:26:18,042 --> 00:26:21,752
When you're in seventh grade
and you're not smart,
425
00:26:23,083 --> 00:26:26,833
You definitely won't be smart
When your child reaches seventh grade .
426
00:26:27,667 --> 00:26:28,877
This is more difficult.
427
00:26:30,042 --> 00:26:32,632
My child and I fail Mathematics.
428
00:26:37,458 --> 00:26:38,998
This is very difficult.
429
00:26:40,083 --> 00:26:44,293
Now he gets C-minus in Math.
C-minus in Mathematics.
430
00:26:45,292 --> 00:26:49,752
In private schools, that's not good.
It failed Mathematics.
431
00:26:49,833 --> 00:26:52,713
So, of course, he brought in
for the parent-teacher meeting.
432
00:26:52,792 --> 00:26:54,332
Private school.
That's what they did
433
00:26:54,417 --> 00:26:57,327
They sit you
because they are worried
434
00:27:01,917 --> 00:27:06,707
"Hi Mr. Koy, please sit down.
435
00:27:06,792 --> 00:27:09,882
I don't want to surprise you.
I want to bite this from the beginning.
436
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:17,040
Just want you to know, Mr. Koy,
that your child has C-minus in Mathematics.
437
00:27:17,125 --> 00:27:18,165
Uh oh.
438
00:27:19,500 --> 00:27:21,040
Uh oh.
439
00:27:21,125 --> 00:27:22,625
That's not good.
441
00:27:25,875 --> 00:27:27,955
You need to help me help him.
442
00:27:28,042 --> 00:27:30,292
I can do whatever I can
here at school,
443
00:27:30,375 --> 00:27:32,665
But when he comes home,
you need to open the book
444
00:27:32,750 --> 00:27:36,130
and start working on that question
with your child
445
00:27:36,208 --> 00:27:39,538
Let's improve again.
Let's do this as a team, Mr. Koy.
446
00:27:39,625 --> 00:27:40,955
Come on! "
447
00:27:49,458 --> 00:27:53,168
And I'm like,
" You know I'm a comedian, right?
448
00:27:54,458 --> 00:27:58,748
And I hire you to teach mathematics my child.
449
00:27:59,917 --> 00:28:00,917
Uh oh.
450
00:28:02,542 --> 00:28:03,672
Uh oh.
451
00:28:04,667 --> 00:28:06,457
What will we do to fix it?
452
00:28:08,167 --> 00:28:12,327
It sounds like you owe me. "
453
00:28:16,958 --> 00:28:19,788
If you have children,
take them to public school
454
00:28:20,625 --> 00:28:23,285
That's all -
Public schools, please
455
00:28:24,333 --> 00:28:27,503
I pay money
school for the education of my seven children.
456
00:28:28,417 --> 00:28:31,707
Then I got a call from the principal.
"Mr. Koy, you forgot to pay your milk costs.
457
00:28:32,667 --> 00:28:35,167
You forgot pay for your milk, Mr. Koy. "
458
00:28:35,250 --> 00:28:38,710
I left, "I paid the tuition
I thought it was included in the tuition."
459
00:28:38,792 --> 00:28:40,922
"No, Mr. Koy, it's separate."
460
00:28:45,625 --> 00:28:48,455
I'm very angry.
I was filling out the document,
461
00:28:48,542 --> 00:28:51,502
and I only saw myself.
I left,
"I don't believe I filled out the document
462
00:28:51,583 --> 00:28:52,883
to pay for milk. "
463
00:28:54,500 --> 00:28:55,710
He left,
" What are you talking about, Dad? "
464
00:28:55,792 --> 00:28:59,672
I went," When I fill out documents,
So I can get free milk.
465
00:29:02,042 --> 00:29:03,422
We are poor, Joe.
466
00:29:04,333 --> 00:29:06,173
We can't afford milk,
467
00:29:06,250 --> 00:29:09,040
so my mother fills out the document
so we can get free milk.
468
00:29:09,125 --> 00:29:12,535
I can't wait to go to school
so I can actually taste calcium.
469
00:29:14,125 --> 00:29:16,625
And it tastes good if it's free. "
470
00:29:18,708 --> 00:29:19,918
He don't know milk for free,
471
00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:22,380
so I have to explain to him
like free milk.
472
00:29:22,458 --> 00:29:24,628
I go, "Joe, free milk
is a box of milk
473
00:29:24,708 --> 00:29:26,538
that looks like home from Monopoly.
474
00:29:28,042 --> 00:29:31,462
And there are three simple instructions.
You draw the right side to the right,
475
00:29:31,542 --> 00:29:32,882
left to left side,
476
00:29:32,958 --> 00:29:35,538
and then you are stuck in middle
and pull it towards your chest,
477
00:29:35,625 --> 00:29:37,785
and it should make a drain.
478
00:29:37,875 --> 00:29:40,035
But it never makes a damn spout.
479
00:29:42,667 --> 00:29:44,997
So, you turn it backwards
and start again.
480
00:29:47,917 --> 00:29:51,037
That side is too much glue.
You can't even open the damn side.
481
00:29:51,125 --> 00:29:52,375
So you just tore it open in the middle.
482
00:29:52,458 --> 00:29:54,828
Now you're drinking milk
out of the square
483
00:29:59,833 --> 00:30:02,713
And when you're done with that milk,
you put the ground in it and nuts,
484
00:30:02,792 --> 00:30:04,292
and you plant a tree. "
485
00:30:05,250 --> 00:30:06,920
Yes.
Public school.
486
00:30:13,667 --> 00:30:15,457
I have to make my child humble.
487
00:30:15,542 --> 00:30:18,882
How will my child be humble?
when am I
488
00:30:18,958 --> 00:30:22,248
His entire school career,
he's headed to school
489
00:30:22,333 --> 00:30:26,673
He hasn't ridden a bus before.
Damn it will make you humble.
490
00:30:26,750 --> 00:30:31,670
Going to school on a public bus.
He doesn't even know what a public bus is -
491
00:30:31,750 --> 00:30:34,540
I just found out my child doesn't know
What a school bus.
492
00:30:34,625 --> 00:30:37,625
We drive on the freeway,
and the school bus passes us,
493
00:30:37,708 --> 00:30:40,038
and my child goes like this:
"Where did they go?"
494
00:30:47,042 --> 00:30:49,042
"Damn school, jerk.
495
00:30:51,000 --> 00:30:52,330
Who is this dick? "
496
00:30:59,667 --> 00:31:02,787
He already went to school -
You have to go to school by bus.
497
00:31:02,875 --> 00:31:04,915
Damn it will make you humble.
498
00:31:05,000 --> 00:31:09,130
Go to school by bus with a group of children
who hate their damn life.
499
00:31:09,208 --> 00:31:11,788
That's me
I hate my life.
500
00:31:11,875 --> 00:31:15,035
I'm the last child,
and I am the last child.
501
00:31:15,125 --> 00:31:18,535
Hate bullshit
Every time I go up,
there is only one seat left,
502
00:31:18,625 --> 00:31:21,575
and there is always that child
who don't want to share a seat.
503
00:31:21,667 --> 00:31:22,747
And I will approach him.
504
00:31:22,833 --> 00:31:26,083
He, like, "You better not think
about sitting here."
505
00:31:27,542 --> 00:31:30,042
And I'm going to go, "Where should I sit?"
506
00:31:31,833 --> 00:31:33,673
"I don't care."
507
00:31:36,208 --> 00:31:38,078
And the bus driver doesn't care.
508
00:31:38,167 --> 00:31:41,167
"You'd better sit back there."
"I don't know where to sit.
509
00:31:44,375 --> 00:31:46,245
He won't let me sit.
510
00:31:48,833 --> 00:31:51,753
Dia mulai marah.
Dia tidak akan pergi kecuali aku duduk.
511
00:31:52,833 --> 00:31:54,793
I won't even sit above everything.
512
00:31:56,750 --> 00:32:00,290
Leave me - let me sit on the edge. "
513
00:32:00,375 --> 00:32:04,415
I have to sit on the edge
and then hold the chair across the hall.
514
00:32:06,250 --> 00:32:09,000
I go to school
looks like I'm taking dirt on the bus.
515
00:32:12,250 --> 00:32:14,380
And then he still made love to me.
516
00:32:15,333 --> 00:32:17,583
"Why do you smell like Vicks?"
517
00:32:24,333 --> 00:32:26,673
"Because I have pneumonia."
518
00:32:34,542 --> 00:32:35,832
He's good once.
519
00:32:37,208 --> 00:32:41,038
I have to stop pampering him.
I spoil him too much.
520
00:32:41,125 --> 00:32:42,325
How annoying.
521
00:32:43,708 --> 00:32:46,538
But the reason I spoil him is because of
I
522
00:32:46,625 --> 00:32:48,535
We are bankrupt as a kid.
523
00:32:48,625 --> 00:32:51,165
And now I can afford it,
I bought it all.
524
00:32:51,250 --> 00:32:55,080
And yes , this is for him, but he doesn't know
that's actually for us.
525
00:32:56,167 --> 00:33:01,667
All the crap it has, I also want it.
I really want it.
526
00:33:01,750 --> 00:33:03,210
This Christmas pisses me off.
527
00:33:03,292 --> 00:33:05,672
I go, "Joe, you want the PS4 to Christmas? "
He went," No. "
528
00:33:05,750 --> 00:33:07,420
I went," Why not?
529
00:33:09,292 --> 00:33:11,002
You are selfish, bro. "
530
00:33:16,250 --> 00:33:19,290
I want all that nonsense.
I want all those toys.
531
00:33:19,375 --> 00:33:23,205
And I hold back, but it's hard.
This is very unlucky.
532
00:33:23,875 --> 00:33:27,575
We went to the mall.
This, like,
seven months ago, eight months ago.
533
00:33:27,667 --> 00:33:31,037
And a kiosk with hoverboards.
534
00:33:31,125 --> 00:33:34,575
Oh, shit
And my son succeeded
like damn nature.
535
00:33:34,667 --> 00:33:37,287
He just woke up and was like,
"Oh, my God, Father.
536
00:33:38,167 --> 00:33:39,247
Father.
537
00:33:40,667 --> 00:33:42,037
Daddy!
538
00:33:43,417 --> 00:33:48,457
Ayah!
Aku harus memiliki ini, Ayah.
Aku harus memiliki ini. "
539
00:33:48,542 --> 00:33:50,632
And I just looked at him,
and this is what I said in my head.
540
00:33:50,708 --> 00:33:52,878
I went, "Yes, right."
541
00:33:55,000 --> 00:33:57,380
But I became a good father
542
00:33:57,458 --> 00:33:59,708
I, like, "No.
I can't buy it for you."
543
00:33:59,792 --> 00:34:03,252
He said, "Why not?"
I left, "Because You have C-minus in Math,
544
00:34:03,333 --> 00:34:05,083
and I can't repay you for that.
545
00:34:05,167 --> 00:34:08,247
Bring the value to B,
and I'll buy it for you. "
546
00:34:08,333 --> 00:34:10,083
My son goes like this:
"Are you serious now?"
547
00:34:11,333 --> 00:34:14,833
And this is what I say, I swear to God.
I go like this: "I know, right?
548
00:34:19,125 --> 00:34:21,495
Why did you fail the test, man? "
549
00:34:22,375 --> 00:34:24,875
Both of us left the mall
just cried fuckin '
550
00:34:26,583 --> 00:34:28,673
I really wanted that hoverboard.
551
00:34:29,542 --> 00:34:32,292
Then I told him,
"Joe, I'll buy you that basket.
552
00:34:32,375 --> 00:34:35,285
I'll give you a tutor,
and he will help you with your math.
553
00:34:35,375 --> 00:34:37,075
You managed to finish it, it's done. "
554
00:34:37,167 --> 00:34:38,457
So, I got a tutor.
555
00:34:39,792 --> 00:34:43,132
This is nonsense from my father.
Only for one week with the tutor
556
00:34:43,208 --> 00:34:46,378
He has a quiz the following week.
Four of five are correct.
557
00:34:46,458 --> 00:34:48,418
It doesn't even apply to classes.
558
00:34:48,500 --> 00:34:51,330
And I just look at it like this:
"Look at you, Einstein.
559
00:34:53,375 --> 00:34:56,245
Looks like we need to go to the mall
and get something, right?"
560
00:35:00,125 --> 00:35:03,745
And I have that hoverboard.
Oh, I really love that thing.
561
00:35:04,625 --> 00:35:05,825
I drive it every morning.
562
00:35:05,917 --> 00:35:07,877
[bleeping sound]
563
00:35:11,625 --> 00:35:12,785
"Anda ingin sereal?"
564
00:35:15,042 --> 00:35:16,172
"Yes, Father."
"I'll be right back."
565
00:35:16,250 --> 00:35:17,670
[bleeping sound]
566
00:35:22,375 --> 00:35:26,875
I fell on the hoverboard.
Damn.
567
00:35:26,958 --> 00:35:28,288
I got a wooden floor in my house.
568
00:35:28,375 --> 00:35:30,165
This is how it sounds
when I fell
569
00:35:31,500 --> 00:35:33,750
Twice, because I jumped on the floor.
570
00:35:36,292 --> 00:35:39,042
And this is how old I am.
When I finally
landed, this is what I said.
571
00:35:39,125 --> 00:35:40,415
I went, "Uhh!
572
00:35:42,042 --> 00:35:43,502
Oh, hip damn it!
573
00:35:45,000 --> 00:35:47,540
Oh, my damn hip!
It's broken! "
574
00:35:48,417 --> 00:35:50,167
And my son doesn't give two nonsense
about me.
575
00:35:50,250 --> 00:35:52,580
He came round the corner
and went like this: "Daddy?
576
00:35:52,667 --> 00:35:54,247
Where is my hoverboard?"
577
00:35:59,542 --> 00:36:00,962
"Fuck, Joe.
578
00:36:01,958 --> 00:36:03,168
Damn you. "
579
00:36:07,625 --> 00:36:09,665
Don't buy the hoverboard.
580
00:36:09,750 --> 00:36:11,460
I don't even know why
they sell it in America.
581
00:36:11,542 --> 00:36:15,502
I don't know how they got past the inspection.
They are dangerous.
582
00:36:16,458 --> 00:36:19,128
When the battery dies,
it doesn't even tell you
583
00:36:23,250 --> 00:36:26,290
I swear to God , he just stopped in the middle of the trip.
584
00:36:26,375 --> 00:36:29,495
And then your catapults throughout
the living room at 17 miles per hour.
585
00:36:30,458 --> 00:36:34,208
I fly by air with
a bowl cereal, like, "What's this?!
586
00:36:34,958 --> 00:36:35,998
Dirt!"
587
00:36:42,083 --> 00:36:45,963
Thirteen.
Fuck.
They grow fast, you guys.
588
00:36:46,042 --> 00:36:49,632
She's at an age where she doesn't want
to kiss me again
That makes me very sad.
589
00:36:49,708 --> 00:36:53,378
I hate her.
"Happy days at school." < br /> He is like this: "Alright."
590
00:36:56,625 --> 00:36:57,745
And me...
591
00:37:08,708 --> 00:37:11,788
Saya tidak tahu harus berbuat apa sekarang.
Berubah menjadi laki-laki
592
00:37:11,875 --> 00:37:14,575
I don't like the way God tells you
that your child is turning into a man.
593
00:37:14,667 --> 00:37:19,287
It's too fast.
I'm not even
mentally ready for this
594
00:37:19,375 --> 00:37:21,285
I found out last year
that he turned into a man.
595
00:37:21,375 --> 00:37:24,375
It sucked up.
Last year--
This is when I found out.
596
00:37:24,458 --> 00:37:27,628
He was in the pool, swimming,
and I was outside the pool,
597
00:37:27,708 --> 00:37:30,248
just watching my child swim.
He came out of the pool.
598
00:37:30,333 --> 00:37:32,253
Here's what he said to me, word for word,
when he came out of the pool.
599
00:37:32,333 --> 00:37:35,293
He went like this:
"This pubic hair tickles my ass."
600
00:37:45,000 --> 00:37:48,170
And when he said "pubic hair,"
I mean one pubic hair.
601
00:37:49,792 --> 00:37:53,792
Only one.
This is so long,
This tickles the bastard.
602
00:37:56,417 --> 00:37:59,537
And I started crying.
I went, "Why do you have pubic hair?
603
00:38:01,042 --> 00:38:02,332
Why?"
604
00:38:02,417 --> 00:38:06,247
And that's it.
That's it.
Pube is here
605
00:38:07,125 --> 00:38:11,035
That was last year.
He's 13 years old now.
How much does he have now, 20?
606
00:38:13,750 --> 00:38:16,880
I'm not ready for that.
No more toys.
607
00:38:16,958 --> 00:38:19,958
There are no more cute toys
He used to play when he was 11, 12.
608
00:38:20,042 --> 00:38:22,672
Transformers,
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - fuck it.
609
00:38:22,750 --> 00:38:24,330
He has a new toy.
610
00:38:24,417 --> 00:38:27,917
He has a new toy he will love
to play with even more.
611
00:38:32,625 --> 00:38:35,455
He might be playing with it
in front of the old toy.
612
00:38:39,875 --> 00:38:43,705
And there's nothing I can do for it.
I'm not ready for that.
613
00:38:43,792 --> 00:38:46,172
Now!
This is when it starts!
614
00:38:46,958 --> 00:38:49,248
Tigabelas.
Ini adalah saat dimulai.
615
00:38:49,333 --> 00:38:52,173
Dirt!
And I'll catch it.
616
00:38:53,042 --> 00:38:56,792
I'll catch it
It's inevitable
I'll catch my son jerking.
617
00:38:56,875 --> 00:38:59,625
Is it Are you kidding me?
And what should I say to him when I catch him?
618
00:38:59,708 --> 00:39:02,878
I don't even know what to say to him.
What did I say?
"Stop doing that "?
619
00:39:02,958 --> 00:39:05,668
It's messed up.
I'm still doing it!
620
00:39:09,417 --> 00:39:10,997
Who am I?
621
00:39:11,083 --> 00:39:13,423
" Only one person flinched in this house.
622
00:39:14,208 --> 00:39:16,578
And because I have it,
take your little dick outside
623
00:39:18,458 --> 00:39:19,878
This is my lotion. "
624
00:39:24,292 --> 00:39:28,252
He'll be caught.
Because boys careless with their work.
625
00:39:29,292 --> 00:39:31,882
They are careless about their work,
and you know what I'm talking about
626
00:39:31,958 --> 00:39:34,208
They just--
They don't know what to do .
627
00:39:34,833 --> 00:39:35,833
Thirteen?
628
00:39:35,917 --> 00:39:37,127
[grunts]
629
00:39:42,083 --> 00:39:43,293
[grunts]
630
00:39:44,583 --> 00:39:47,543
I'm the scariest.
When I was 13 years old?
Dirt.
631
00:39:47,625 --> 00:39:49,785
Thirteen - I can eat cereal, jerks,
632
00:39:49,875 --> 00:39:52,955
watching cartoons and looking out for my mom
at the same time.
633
00:39:53,042 --> 00:39:54,502
Just creepy nonsense.
634
00:40:09,792 --> 00:40:11,382
"Aah! Damn!" <
635
00:40:18,542 --> 00:40:19,752
This is dirty.
636
00:40:21,000 --> 00:40:24,080
It's dirty, but it's alive.
Here it is.
637
00:40:24,167 --> 00:40:26,377
I'll catch it
Fuck.
638
00:40:27,583 --> 00:40:30,503
639
00:40:31,375 --> 00:40:33,705
He will be very scary.
Boys are creepy with their jobs.
640
00:40:33,792 --> 00:40:36,632
They don't know.
The first time they did it,
641
00:40:36,708 --> 00:40:38,878
20 times the first , nothing comes out,
woman.
You know that right?
642
00:40:40,292 --> 00:40:43,212
It's just you and your friend at a party.
643
00:40:43,292 --> 00:40:45,382
And then your friend starts to dry up
without reason.
644
00:40:45,458 --> 00:40:46,628
[laughs]
645
00:40:47,500 --> 00:40:50,830
Oh yes.
Yes yes.
646
00:40:50,917 --> 00:40:52,037
[snoring]
647
00:40:55,542 --> 00:40:56,922
Yes!
648
00:41:00,125 --> 00:41:04,955
And that's why we got caught.
Because we think it happens all the time.
649
00:41:05,042 --> 00:41:06,042
And no.
650
00:41:06,125 --> 00:41:09,705
One day, something came out,
and we don't know what to do fucking.
651
00:41:09,792 --> 00:41:11,172
That makes us complacent.
Like...
652
00:41:11,250 --> 00:41:12,420
[laughs]
Blam!
653
00:41:12,500 --> 00:41:13,540
"Aah!
654
00:41:15,167 --> 00:41:17,037
No no no no!
655
00:41:18,000 --> 00:41:21,250
Oh no!
Oh my God!
656
00:41:21,333 --> 00:41:25,083
No no!
No!
657
00:41:25,167 --> 00:41:27,327
Oh my God!
658
00:41:29,375 --> 00:41:31,375
I'm ready for the church! "
659
00:41:35,500 --> 00:41:38,170
You go to church with prints coming
in your chest
660
00:41:42,667 --> 00:41:45,327
I want every woman to know this now.
We don't stop.
661
00:41:46,625 --> 00:41:50,375
We don't stop, okay?
I don't stop.
662
00:41:51,333 --> 00:41:53,753
I've done it since I was little.
I was caught by my mother.
663
00:41:54,583 --> 00:41:56,503
My mother caught me.
The worst day of my life
664
00:41:57,625 --> 00:42:01,075
My worst day - And I don't like
How calm in this room now.
665
00:42:02,083 --> 00:42:05,043
I'm right- right no
I don't like how it is
every man looks like:
666
00:42:05,125 --> 00:42:07,075
"This is rather disgusting.
668
00:42:11,292 --> 00:42:13,832
How can he be caught by his mother?"
669
00:42:13,917 --> 00:42:16,207
I want every guy in this room
to find out this tonight
670
00:42:16,292 --> 00:42:20,462
You were also caught by your mother.
He caught your stupid ass.
671
00:42:20,542 --> 00:42:24,832
He saw it.
It was an adult woman.
He knew what the teenager was doing.
672
00:42:24,917 --> 00:42:27,627
He never said anything
for your stupid ass.
673
00:42:27,708 --> 00:42:31,498
But he found it.
Whatever it is
you are abusing, he found it.
674
00:42:32,583 --> 00:42:34,883
Dia hanya tidak memberitahu Anda tentang hal itu.
Dia sedang membersihkan kamarmu.
675
00:42:36,583 --> 00:42:38,333
And he, like,
"Oh, let me take the plate.
676
00:42:38,417 --> 00:42:40,377
Oh, it's not a plate.
677
00:42:42,583 --> 00:42:43,753
That's a towel."
678
00:42:54,917 --> 00:42:58,827
He just - He didn't say anything to you.
My mother said something to me,
679
00:42:58,917 --> 00:43:01,247
because that's how it was
fucking mother I have
680
00:43:02,708 --> 00:43:04,958
But I think I'm bulletproof .
681
00:43:05,042 --> 00:43:07,962
Socks.
Genius.
Socks.
682
00:43:08,792 --> 00:43:11,172
Sock, inhibits.
Sock, inhibits.
683
00:43:11,250 --> 00:43:13,080
All weeks.
Sock, inhibits.
684
00:43:13,792 --> 00:43:15,882
Sock, inhibits.
685
00:43:15,958 --> 00:43:18,748
Two Friday.
Sock, socks, inhibits, inhibits.
686
00:43:20,875 --> 00:43:23,125
Then Sunday comes.
My mother goes into my room.
687
00:43:23,208 --> 00:43:24,828
"Stop putting your socks off.
688
00:43:26,458 --> 00:43:28,378
Are you kidding me now?
689
00:43:29,250 --> 00:43:32,460
You want me to clean it up?
Fuck, Joseph.
690
00:43:32,542 --> 00:43:35,542
That's disgusting.
I've thrown away all of your socks.
691
00:43:36,458 --> 00:43:38,918
You have two pairs of left socks
for the rest of this year
692
00:43:39,000 --> 00:43:42,130
You made love to them - no more socks, Joseph.
693
00:43:42,208 --> 00:43:44,828
You will go to school < br /> barefoot like that, huh?
694
00:43:45,583 --> 00:43:47,793
The principal will call me
"Joseph doesn't have socks."
695
00:43:47,875 --> 00:43:51,035
& apos; Yeah, because he keeps screwing them! & apos; "
696
00:44:03,667 --> 00:44:05,247
We all do it.
We all do it.
697
00:44:06,417 --> 00:44:08,577
Everyone here is still doing it.
698
00:44:08,667 --> 00:44:11,827
That's scary.
We will switch from this,
but I just want to keep going.
699
00:44:12,875 --> 00:44:14,535
We have plenty of time to kill.
700
00:44:15,458 --> 00:44:18,748
Everyone does it.
We haven't stopped.
701
00:44:18,833 --> 00:44:20,213
We get better at it.
702
00:44:22,833 --> 00:44:25,043
We don't stop because we cringe,
Woman.
703
00:44:25,792 --> 00:44:27,542
We're just scary people.
704
00:44:27,625 --> 00:44:29,455
I don't care how long
you've been with your man -
705
00:44:29,542 --> 00:44:33,002
five years, ten years, five days -
no problem
706
00:44:33,083 --> 00:44:34,333
That's bullshit
707
00:44:36,792 --> 00:44:38,462
I want every woman to know this:
708
00:44:38,542 --> 00:44:42,632
The most creepy man in this room tonight
is the person you came to
709
00:44:44,208 --> 00:44:47,578
I swear to God.
There is nothing creepier in this room.
710
00:44:47,667 --> 00:44:50,577
Don't look across the hall
or ride on the balcony
711
00:44:50,667 --> 00:44:53,167
He sits right beside you.
712
00:44:53,250 --> 00:44:57,170
That person is a creepy and creepy villain.
713
00:45:00,208 --> 00:45:02,878
Don't give it to him for a few days.
Watch him, "Uhh!"
714
00:45:02,958 --> 00:45:05,208
I don't care how your handsome man.
715
00:45:05,292 --> 00:45:07,292
When we flinch, we all look the same.
716
00:45:09,125 --> 00:45:11,325
Creepy
With ourselves
717
00:45:11,417 --> 00:45:13,327
Satu sepatu di.
Selalu satu sepatu.
718
00:45:14,958 --> 00:45:16,918
Look at the toes!
Look at the damn leg!
719
00:45:18,208 --> 00:45:19,998
The shirt is tucked under the chin.
720
00:45:22,333 --> 00:45:26,083
The shirt is tucked under the chin.
Do you know that , woman?
721
00:45:26,167 --> 00:45:28,537
Did you know your man folded the shirt?
under his chin?
722
00:45:28,625 --> 00:45:30,165
do you want to know why?
723
00:45:30,250 --> 00:45:33,960
Because he doesn't want
the bottom of the shirt to touch his penis,
724
00:45:34,042 --> 00:45:37,042
because he will still wear the shirt
for the rest of the day
725
00:45:41,042 --> 00:45:43,712
Creepy fortune teller will be worn
His shirt is a jerk
726
00:45:43,792 --> 00:45:45,132
to tonight's comedy show
727
00:45:55,583 --> 00:45:57,633
Don't shake anyone's hand here tonight.
728
00:45:59,542 --> 00:46:02,792
I swear to God,
Diversity in this room outside
729
00:46:07,292 --> 00:46:09,212
I'll tell you right now.
730
00:46:09,292 --> 00:46:12,042
I'll only be honest with you guys.
I'll put everything there.
731
00:46:12,125 --> 00:46:15,705
Nobody is indirectly racist
than the Filipino mother.
732
00:46:21,125 --> 00:46:22,785
My sister will marry his fiancee.
733
00:46:22,875 --> 00:46:25,075
He is dark.
He is dark.
Darker than you
734
00:46:26,083 --> 00:46:28,293
My sister gets the darkest.
735
00:46:29,500 --> 00:46:31,960
Some are black, then there are evenings.
736
00:46:33,792 --> 00:46:35,462
Andre is at night.
737
00:46:36,167 --> 00:46:38,627
Andre used to kill him in a hidden place and look for
when he was little.
738
00:46:39,958 --> 00:46:42,328
Don't even have to hide.
Just close his eyes like that.
739
00:46:43,250 --> 00:46:46,630
"On where are you, Andre? "
" Here, bastard.
740
00:46:46,708 --> 00:46:48,378
I won again. "
741
00:46:49,375 --> 00:46:53,375
You should have seen how my mother acted
when meeting Andre for the first time.
742
00:46:53,458 --> 00:46:55,378
When he goes home,
my mother goes like this.
743
00:46:55,458 --> 00:46:56,788
[shudders]
744
00:47:03,625 --> 00:47:06,075
"Put my bag in the room. < br /> Put my wallet in the room. "
745
00:47:10,375 --> 00:47:12,785
I was very angry at my mother.
746
00:47:12,875 --> 00:47:15,955
I took her to the kitchen.
I, like, "Mom, are you kidding me?
747
00:47:16,042 --> 00:47:19,172
Just because he's black, you're want me
to put your wallet in the room?
748
00:47:19,250 --> 00:47:20,790
Are you kidding me now? "
749
00:47:20,875 --> 00:47:25,665
Then he's angry at me
and makes me feel like a racist.
750
00:47:25,750 --> 00:47:27,920
Some Jedi Filipino poop.
751
00:47:29,000 --> 00:47:31,750
He just looked at me and left,
"Oh, just because he's black, Joseph,
752
00:47:31,833 --> 00:47:33,883
and I told you to put my wallet
753
00:47:33,958 --> 00:47:36,458
Do you think your mother is a racist?
754
00:47:37,667 --> 00:47:39,497
Wow, Joseph.
755
00:47:40,250 --> 00:47:41,670
Wow.
756
00:47:42,542 --> 00:47:44,082
Wow. <
757
00:47:45,708 --> 00:47:48,078
I will do it with strangers, Joseph.
758
00:47:48,167 --> 00:47:51,577
White, black, Latin, Asian.
I don't care
759
00:47:51,667 --> 00:47:53,997
If I don't know you,
put my bag in the room.
760
00:47:55,750 --> 00:47:57,290
That's Louis Vuitton. "
761
00:47:59,417 --> 00:48:02,787
I went," Mom, you know what you are doing.
Stop right now.
762
00:48:02,875 --> 00:48:05,245
You make Andre feel
very uncomfortable. "
763
00:48:05,333 --> 00:48:08,423
And my mother looked and left,
" I didn't make her feel uncomfortable.
764
00:48:08,500 --> 00:48:12,080
You are.
Take me to the kitchen
to talk to me.
765
00:48:12,167 --> 00:48:13,957
Are you kidding me now?
766
00:48:14,042 --> 00:48:17,002
I did everything to make Andre
feel comfortable.
767
00:48:17,833 --> 00:48:20,383
I fry chicken,
I put basketball on TV. "
768
00:48:29,375 --> 00:48:31,745
" From everything
you can cook tonight,
769
00:48:32,958 --> 00:48:35,128
You decide to fry chicken. "
770
00:48:35,208 --> 00:48:38,038
" Joseph, they love chicken. "
771
00:48:39,583 --> 00:48:40,583
They love -
772
00:48:41,583 --> 00:48:43,793
" They love chicken, Joseph. "
773
00:48:45,375 --> 00:48:48,415
Right when I say that,
Andre goes into the kitchen.
774
00:48:48,500 --> 00:48:50,250
He, like, "Oh, I'm sorry.
775
00:48:53,458 --> 00:48:56,578
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
I don't know you are in the kitchen.
776
00:48:58,000 --> 00:49:01,420
Question fast: do you fry chicken? "
777
00:49:04,458 --> 00:49:08,998
And my mother said," Yes, Andre.
We - We fry chicken.
778
00:49:10,292 --> 00:49:12,832
But if you don't like chicken, I can -
779
00:49:12,917 --> 00:49:14,877
I can cook something else, if -
780
00:49:15,750 --> 00:49:18,080
If you don't like chicken. "
781
00:49:26,292 --> 00:49:30,082
And Andre, like,
" Oh, no, no, I like chicken.
782
00:49:31,167 --> 00:49:32,577
I eat it every day. "
783
00:49:34,917 --> 00:49:36,707
Then he came out of the kitchen.
784
00:49:38,083 --> 00:49:40,083
Then my mother looked at me
and go like this:
785
00:49:41,000 --> 00:49:42,420
[whispering]
"I already told you."
786
00:49:51,000 --> 00:49:53,790
That's very racist -
787
00:49:53,875 --> 00:49:56,245
Right?
That's racist.
Right, black people?
788
00:49:58,917 --> 00:50:03,167
Itu rasis - Anda ingin mendengarnya
Bagian paling rasis tentang cerita itu?
789
00:50:03,917 --> 00:50:05,957
Andre doesn't talk like that.
790
00:50:10,250 --> 00:50:15,750
I gave Andre the sound of the 80s black rapper
because it's more funny.
791
00:50:16,583 --> 00:50:18,383
If you've met Andre,
he talks like this:
792
00:50:18,458 --> 00:50:19,828
"Hello, my name is Andre."
793
00:50:21,375 --> 00:50:24,825
I made him speak - "I like chicken!"
Who talks like that?
794
00:50:24,917 --> 00:50:26,917
I've never even met a black person
who talks about chicken like,
795
00:50:27,000 --> 00:50:28,710
[knocking]
"I like chicken, I eat it every day.
796
00:50:28,792 --> 00:50:31,082
I eat chicken in everything. "
797
00:50:31,167 --> 00:50:32,287
[grunts]
798
00:50:42,625 --> 00:50:45,915
He will get married.
My sister will get married.
Dirt.
799
00:50:46,750 --> 00:50:49,460
That's good right?
How long have you been together?
800
00:50:49,542 --> 00:50:50,922
[woman] Eighteen years.
801
00:50:51,000 --> 00:50:53,460
Eighteen years?
Oh God
802
00:50:53,542 --> 00:50:56,292
Eighteen strong years.
Do you have children?
Two children?
803
00:50:56,375 --> 00:50:58,625
How old are the children.
Eighteen and what?
804
00:51:07,458 --> 00:51:09,248
Do you see the baby coming out?
805
00:51:11,042 --> 00:51:13,292
Do you see the baby coming out?
You are more well, man
806
00:51:13,375 --> 00:51:14,875
You have to look at that crap.
807
00:51:17,417 --> 00:51:20,127
That's why a lot of you out there -
808
00:51:20,208 --> 00:51:21,878
If you don't pay for your child's support,
809
00:51:21,958 --> 00:51:24,748
I want you to start thinking
about what happened that day
810
00:51:26,417 --> 00:51:28,877
And remember,
that shit spends a lot of money.
811
00:51:29,833 --> 00:51:32,293
I give my ex whatever I want.
812
00:51:32,375 --> 00:51:35,995
I saw the baby come out.
Fuck that damn.
813
00:51:39,042 --> 00:51:42,172
And many of you women
Need to be more graphic with people- This person
814
00:51:42,250 --> 00:51:43,750
doesn't pay for their child's support.
815
00:51:43,833 --> 00:51:46,543
Let them hear.
Stop being nice about it.
816
00:51:46,625 --> 00:51:48,665
"Your daughter wants
/> to take ballet classes
817
00:51:48,750 --> 00:51:51,460
He needs shoes and some lessons.
818
00:51:51,542 --> 00:51:55,752
Your child wants to play sports.
He needs cleats and some equipment. "
819
00:51:56,750 --> 00:51:59,960
Fuck that
Be a graphic
" Why do I want extra money?
820
00:52:00,042 --> 00:52:03,132
Because those kids tear my pussy.
821
00:52:05,333 --> 00:52:08,383
Ripped.
Ripped.
822
00:52:08,458 --> 00:52:10,788
Tear it up
Ripped. "
823
00:52:17,083 --> 00:52:19,383
It's not like that.
824
00:52:19,458 --> 00:52:21,498
I don't want you to think it's torn
and keep it that way.
825
00:52:21,583 --> 00:52:23,963
That's a cool thing about pussy
It's back together.
826
00:52:24,042 --> 00:52:27,212
This is damn - It's like a Transformer.
827
00:52:28,125 --> 00:52:29,745
It's like Pussimus Prime.
828
00:52:30,625 --> 00:52:31,665
It's like Babybots.
829
00:52:31,750 --> 00:52:33,170
[grinding]
830
00:52:33,250 --> 00:52:35,250
What's the matter?!
831
00:52:46,958 --> 00:52:49,498
I saw the baby come out.
Fuck that damn.
832
00:52:49,583 --> 00:52:52,253
The pussy is beautiful, < br /> not that day
833
00:52:53,375 --> 00:52:55,165
That day, that's the evil twin.
834
00:52:56,208 --> 00:52:58,578
This isn't even the vagina.
This is called "va-gina."
835
00:52:59,792 --> 00:53:01,042
"I am Va-gina.
836
00:53:01,833 --> 00:53:03,923
I gave birth to a baby.
837
00:53:05,042 --> 00:53:06,632
Push it, baby
838
00:53:07,292 --> 00:53:09,542
Oh come on.
I'm Va-gina.
839
00:53:09,625 --> 00:53:13,035
Push!
Oh, here it is the baby!
840
00:53:13,125 --> 00:53:15,535
Oh , this is the baby!
841
00:53:15,625 --> 00:53:17,285
Oh dear! "
842
00:53:23,125 --> 00:53:25,955
The head of my child is hanging out like this.
843
00:53:26,042 --> 00:53:27,502
And then he coughs,
and he comes back in.
844
00:53:27,583 --> 00:53:29,383
I, like, "Oh, shit!
845
00:53:33,000 --> 00:53:35,130
The vagina has just eaten the baby!"
846
00:53:37,667 --> 00:53:40,787
I remember my child going, "Daddy!"
847
00:53:47,417 --> 00:53:51,037
Dating.
Dating right?
It's rude right?
Dirt.
848
00:53:51,125 --> 00:53:54,415
This is the problem about dating.
All you need is safe.
849
00:53:54,500 --> 00:53:58,580
Just be safe and your daughter
will fucking your love
850
00:53:58,667 --> 00:54:01,457
Stop being insecure
Once you feel insecure
851
00:54:01,542 --> 00:54:04,252
and start questioning him,
it's fucking turns him away.
852
00:54:04,333 --> 00:54:06,503
Don't ask him every time he goes out
with his girlfriend
853
00:54:06,583 --> 00:54:07,833
"Where did you go?"
854
00:54:07,917 --> 00:54:10,747
"I went with my girlfriend.
I already said that."
855
00:54:11,542 --> 00:54:13,422
"Okay, what time will you go home?"
856
00:54:14,333 --> 00:54:16,923
"I don't know, maybe later.
I don't know
What the fuck
857
00:54:17,000 --> 00:54:21,210
Seriously?
Did I do this with you?
on your fucking night? "
858
00:54:22,125 --> 00:54:23,455
"I'm just saying, I'm just curious..."
859
00:54:23,542 --> 00:54:24,632
[mumbling]
860
00:54:26,500 --> 00:54:30,790
They hate that crap.
Be safe and leave it he goes.
861
00:54:30,875 --> 00:54:33,995
That changes a girl.
Ignore him.
He loves that nonsense.
862
00:54:35,042 --> 00:54:38,132
It pisses him off,
and he likes it at the same time.
863
00:54:38,208 --> 00:54:42,418
If you don't call him all the time.
Even confuses him when he leaves.
864
00:54:42,500 --> 00:54:44,250
"I go with my daughter."
"Okay, see you later."
865
00:54:45,167 --> 00:54:47,127
"But are you going to ask where -"
866
00:54:50,375 --> 00:54:52,205
"No. Go with your daughter."
867
00:54:52,292 --> 00:54:54,082
"Okay, that's crazy."
868
00:54:56,333 --> 00:54:59,043
Don't call him all night.
Ignore him
869
00:54:59,125 --> 00:55:00,875
He'll be at the club, panicking.
870
00:55:01,833 --> 00:55:04,463
Just fucking dancing,
looking at his phone
871
00:55:04,542 --> 00:55:05,792
"What is this?"
872
00:55:13,375 --> 00:55:15,125
Damn it changed it.
873
00:55:16,417 --> 00:55:20,037
Because people are angry at girls
when they go out with their girlfriends.
874
00:55:20,125 --> 00:55:22,125
Stop being insecure
Damn it
875
00:55:22,208 --> 00:55:23,918
If he goes with his friends,
he goes out with his friends.
876
00:55:24,000 --> 00:55:26,880
And people are always angry.
"Yeah, but every time he comes out,
877
00:55:26,958 --> 00:55:29,538
people buy his drink,
and then he takes them."
878
00:55:29,625 --> 00:55:32,955
There's no bullshit
They're free, jerk.
879
00:55:33,833 --> 00:55:36,173
Don't you drink fucking?
It's free?
880
00:55:36,250 --> 00:55:38,330
If a girl comes to you -
"Hey, I want to buy you a drink,"
881
00:55:38,417 --> 00:55:40,207
You will, like, "What is this?
882
00:55:41,333 --> 00:55:43,423
Can you buy some of my friends?"
883
00:55:46,792 --> 00:55:49,882
And if a man buys
your girl in a drinking club,
884
00:55:49,958 --> 00:55:53,208
That means he's one of them
the hottest chicks in that damn club.
885
00:55:53,292 --> 00:55:55,462
So you should be proud with that crap.
886
00:55:55,542 --> 00:55:57,462
And don't be angry with him
to get a free drink
887
00:55:57,542 --> 00:55:59,422
That's the hustle and bustle.
He's sexy,
888
00:55:59,500 --> 00:56:03,040
and he gets a free drink
from a dude at the club.
889
00:56:03,125 --> 00:56:05,665
You don't need to worry about it
because he has your back
890
00:56:05,750 --> 00:56:08,080
Every girl who has a man
and he's in the club
891
00:56:08,167 --> 00:56:09,457
has the back of his dude
892
00:56:09,542 --> 00:56:11,502
Swear to God
And you know what I'm talking about.
893
00:56:11,583 --> 00:56:16,133
He will continue to get the drink for free.
He will get it, as much as he can.
894
00:56:16,208 --> 00:56:17,288
"I'll be free to drink all night."
895
00:56:17,375 --> 00:56:19,535
And then, when the question appears:
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
896
00:56:19,625 --> 00:56:21,995
"Yeah, he's at home.
His name is John.
He's black.
Goodbye
897
00:56:24,833 --> 00:56:28,213
See you
Goodbye
Thank you!"
898
00:56:30,833 --> 00:56:32,383
Because that's what women do.
899
00:56:32,458 --> 00:56:35,248
They get your back,
and you know what I'm talking about
900
00:56:35,333 --> 00:56:38,213
Every man buys drinks for girls < br /> it has a guy, and you know that
901
00:56:38,292 --> 00:56:40,752
They dropped it on you at the last second.
Because that's what women do.
902
00:56:40,833 --> 00:56:43,173
So, don't be angry at your girl
When she goes with these people.
903
00:56:43,250 --> 00:56:46,170
Let them go.
Let them have
like as many drinks as they want.
904
00:56:46,250 --> 00:56:48,920
Let them fucking get ripped off the fuck up.
905
00:56:49,000 --> 00:56:51,420
Like many drinks
Let him get it.
Like many drinks.
906
00:56:51,500 --> 00:56:53,790
"Thank you, thank you."
908
00:56:57,250 --> 00:57:00,380
And then he'll go home drunk,
909
00:57:00,458 --> 00:57:02,788
and then he will want it
suck your penis...
910
00:57:04,292 --> 00:57:05,832
on the tab
911
00:57:06,792 --> 00:57:08,422
"What is this?
912
00:57:09,292 --> 00:57:11,252
This blowjob is free?! "
914
00:57:19,292 --> 00:57:21,962
In fact, when your girl is out,
you're out.
915
00:57:22,042 --> 00:57:25,172
Don't stay at home
Go fucked up too.
916
00:57:25,250 --> 00:57:29,500
That's the best sex you've ever had.
You both ignored each other all night long,
917
00:57:29,583 --> 00:57:31,633
Both of you got screwed
with your own friends,
918
00:57:31,708 --> 00:57:34,038
and then Both of you go home
unlucky drunk.
919
00:57:34,125 --> 00:57:35,995
That's the funniest crap.
920
00:57:36,875 --> 00:57:38,785
And that person is always the first at home.
921
00:57:49,375 --> 00:57:50,415
"Baby !
922
00:57:52,125 --> 00:57:53,125
Babies! "
923
00:57:53,958 --> 00:57:55,578
There is no house
924
00:57:56,583 --> 00:57:59,133
Then, suddenly, he walks
through the door, drunk drunk.
925
00:57:59,208 --> 00:58:00,458
[chuckles]
926
00:58:02,083 --> 00:58:03,423
"Hello dear."
927
00:58:04,792 --> 00:58:06,962
He's limping because he has one heel.
928
00:58:09,792 --> 00:58:11,172
"Hello honey."
929
00:58:12,208 --> 00:58:13,288
"Hi dear.
930
00:58:14,833 --> 00:58:16,043
Hi dear."
931
00:58:16,125 --> 00:58:17,415
"Hello dear.
932
00:58:19,500 --> 00:58:22,500
Why didn't you send me a message all night?"
933
00:58:23,500 --> 00:58:25,670
"I don't know where my phone is."
934
00:58:26,625 --> 00:58:28,535
Ini persegi sial di sini.
935
00:58:32,042 --> 00:58:33,542
That changes it.
936
00:58:33,625 --> 00:58:36,035
"Your phone is there, you are stupid.
937
00:58:37,042 --> 00:58:39,002
Your cellphone is there, stupid.
938
00:58:39,833 --> 00:58:42,173
I will suck you. "
939
00:58:43,708 --> 00:58:46,248
They are drunk and horny.
" I will annoy you.
940
00:58:46,333 --> 00:58:48,463
I swear to God.
I will annoy you. "
941
00:58:48,542 --> 00:58:51,212
And then he, like,
"I will scoff at you."
942
00:58:51,292 --> 00:58:54,582
"I will scoff at you."
"I will scoff at you."
943
00:58:54,667 --> 00:58:57,957
Then you walk towards each other,
want to make love to each other,
944
00:58:58,042 --> 00:58:59,332
But it's not even funny.
945
00:58:59,417 --> 00:59:02,077
It only looks like two zombies
about making love to each other.
946
00:59:02,167 --> 00:59:04,077
"I will mock you."
947
00:59:04,167 --> 00:59:06,127
"I will scoff at you."
948
00:59:06,208 --> 00:59:07,788
"I will scoff at you."
949
00:59:07,875 --> 00:59:10,075
"I will scoff at you . "
950
00:59:10,167 --> 00:59:12,707
" I will scoff at you. "
951
00:59:17,375 --> 00:59:21,995
The woman always gets
into the bedroom first, completely naked.
952
00:59:22,083 --> 00:59:25,503
Completely naked.
"Come on, honey, come on.
953
00:59:25,583 --> 00:59:27,083
Oh , I'll fuck the shit - "
954
00:59:27,167 --> 00:59:28,577
These legs are really dirty.
955
00:59:29,833 --> 00:59:33,633
This one is clean, very clean.
This one - gravel in the heel.
956
00:59:34,792 --> 00:59:37,212
"Come on, honey.
I will scoff at you from you
957
00:59:37,292 --> 00:59:38,332
Come on."
958
00:59:40,500 --> 00:59:43,750
The man walked down the hall,
fully clothed.
959
00:59:46,833 --> 00:59:47,833
Drunk.
960
00:59:49,958 --> 00:59:51,418
Spending time.
961
00:59:53,292 --> 00:59:56,462
He is crazy too,
because not only is he drunk,
962
00:59:56,542 --> 00:59:58,582
But his dick is more drunk.
963
00:59:59,750 --> 01:00:01,500
And he doesn't know what to do,
964
01:00:01,583 --> 01:00:04,423
because this will happen,
But he can't.
965
01:00:05,250 --> 01:00:09,460
And drunk people will talk to their penis.
They don't care.
966
01:00:09,542 --> 01:00:10,832
Like, "Come on, wake up.
967
01:00:12,500 --> 01:00:16,880
Come on.
Why are you doing this to me?
Let's go.
Why are you doing - "
968
01:00:16,958 --> 01:00:19,958
And your penis, like,
" I'm drunk too, jerk.
969
01:00:20,833 --> 01:00:23,003
What do you want me to do? "
970
01:00:23,958 --> 01:00:27,248
We will start grabbing blood from everywhere.
" Don't do this to me.
971
01:00:29,042 --> 01:00:33,292
You need to give me something.
Don't do this to me. "
972
01:00:35,958 --> 01:00:39,328
But our dick is our best friend.
He doesn't let us hang.
973
01:00:39,417 --> 01:00:41,707
He gave us something.
It's not much, but it's something.
974
01:00:41,792 --> 01:00:46,292
It's like half and half.
Soft on top, hard in the middle.
975
01:00:47,333 --> 01:00:50,633
And it barely lasts.
It's just
balancing the ball like this.
976
01:00:52,000 --> 01:00:55,210
"Try this, this can work.
This works. "
977
01:00:55,292 --> 01:00:57,172
And we, like,
" Are you sure you will succeed? "
978
01:00:57,250 --> 01:00:59,960
"Hurry up before I change
my damn thoughts."
979
01:01:00,042 --> 01:01:03,212
And we went to put it inside. He, like,
"Man, I can't do this."
980
01:01:15,792 --> 01:01:17,832
I love you
Thank you very much.
981
01:01:35,417 --> 01:01:38,167
♪ Finally here
You know I'm finally here ♪
982
01:01:39,833 --> 01:01:42,883
♪ Finally it's here
You know I'm finally here ♪
983
01:01:43,833 --> 01:01:46,253
♪ I heard these people talking about
Where am I ♪
984
01:01:46,333 --> 01:01:48,463
♪ I'm on a tour trying to do it ♪
985
01:01:48,542 --> 01:01:50,632
♪ They talk like that
"Man, you finally succeeded, dawg" ♪
986
01:01:50,708 --> 01:01:53,128
♪ Damn, I'm working for copping
my second home ♪
987
01:01:53,208 --> 01:01:54,748
♪ I remember when I returned
Nobody wants to listen ♪
988
01:01:54,833 --> 01:01:56,923
♪ The kind of funny that's done comes and goes ♪
989
01:01:57,000 --> 01:01:58,710
♪ But I'm still here
And I'm not going anywhere ♪
990
01:01:58,792 --> 01:02:01,922
♪ Well, this is my time , comfortable
This is where I belong ♪
991
01:02:02,000 --> 01:02:04,330
♪ The truth is, I'm a savage person ♪
992
01:02:04,417 --> 01:02:06,457
♪ The flow is cold and polite ♪
993
01:02:06,542 --> 01:02:09,212
♪ But like a girl fat
Fighting with skinny tricks ♪
994
01:02:09,292 --> 01:02:10,792
♪ Don't take your sister lightly ♪
995
01:02:10,875 --> 01:02:13,665
♪ I know my enemy hates me... ♪
996
01:02:15,167 --> 01:02:16,787
♪ You know I'm finally here ♪
997
01:02:18,000 --> 01:02:19,580
♪ There's nothing to fear ♪