♪ Yo ♪
♪ Finally it's here You know I'm finally here ♪
♪ Finally here You know I'm finally here ♪
♪ I heard these people talking about Where am I ♪
♪ I'm on a tour trying to do it ♪
♪ They talk like that "Man, you finally succeeded, dawg" ♪
♪ Damn, I'm working for copping My second home ♪
♪ I remember when I returned Nobody wants to listen ♪
♪ The kind of funny done comes and goes ♪
♪ But I'm still here And I don't go anywhere ♪
♪ Well, this is my time, comfortable This is where I belong ♪
♪ Actually, I'm a savage person... ♪
I'm at home, you guys.
[laughs]
Look at the diversity in this room.
Every color
[applause and applause]
That's what I like about Seattle.
There are every color just mix with other people
[audience laughs]
Good
We have Latin people here.
[cheering]
Somehow you swim.
"Keep going!
I swear to God, mijo. Continue!"
When I first moved here - Like, when I lived here,
Here is the Indian casino starting to open
Like Muckleshoot. Remember that? Is that still there? </ P>
- [crowd] Yeah! -masalah?
But when an Asian says it, It sounds more Asian than India.
[Asian accent] "Muckleshoot you want to play -
Where do you play Muck - Muckleshoot.
Play blackjack on Muckle - Muckleshoot. "
You go to Indian reservations. I've never seen an Indian. </ p >
There's more - I didn't see anything. It's just all Vietnamese and...
Chinese.
That's all. I want to see Indians. One. Only one. Give me one Indian. </ P>
I want to see Pocahontas. Only one Pocahontas.
Just give me an Indian woman. An Indian woman.
I swear to God, if I find it, it's all over.
It's over. I want a hot Indian wife, and I will marry her,
and I will have ten children with her,
So when I load the van, I can go...
♪ One little, two small Three little Indians ♪
♪ Four small, five small Six little Indians ♪
♪ Seven little, eight little - ♪
I like watching - When women laugh, that's my favorite. </ p >
Because when women laugh, they laugh out loud
They don't care.
If it's funny, they're like, "Oh, my God. <
Ten Indians. And then he will count, like a damn song!
Funny!
[sobbing] < br /> Funny! "
Women will laugh and cry because they are emotional beings.
They can't give you one emotion. "I have to give you two!
Ha ha ha! Are you serious? Are you happy?
Ha ha ha! Fuck Fuck
Seriously, stop ! Fuck! "
[crying]
And they do this nonsense. What is that?
Because they cry, And that's how they dry the tears.
Fanning tears. That's damn water!
You can't fan the water!
You don't come out of the bathroom and leave, "Oh, God, showering is amazing. </ P>
Oh my God! I'll be late!" </ P>
Women will laugh and pee. They don't care. </ P>
Di muka umum. Di muka umum! Di depan teman mereka.
They don't care. They will tell their friends,
"He's funny right?" "I know, I just peed a little.
I swear to God. " " A little, Bitch, that's a lot. "</ P>
" I don't care. That's funny. That's funny. "</ P>
And I like when women laugh
and they threaten that they want you to stop,
and if they don't, they will urinate. They threaten you. </ P>
"Stop, no, seriously, stop! I swear to God, I'll pee! </ P>
Stop it! God ! Stop! Stop! I'll pee.
Look see!
Seriously.
You crazy. "
This is amazing.
Look, he's crying right now!
Where's the hand Look at the woman! And then look at her groin. Piss.
She's just annoyed. You got it on tape right?
Welcome to Hollywood, bitch.
He does exactly what I say. He goes like that, then goes like that,
and he goes, like, "Oh, my God. Stop being unlucky! I will be unlucky!
I'll be unlucky. You want me to be bad luck? I'll be annoying. "</ P>
I'm half white, half Filipino. That's me. </ P>
Which means my father is in the military. </ P>
That's even not a joke.
That's bullshit.
Lots of soldiers fighting for this country
My father is dating.
I am the Purple Heart. </ P>
My father will say cross-border nonsense for me when I was little
Borderline-racist shit. But I know he's kidding. This is my father
Just sitting at the dinner table, like, "You know why I married mom You, right? "</ P>
I, like," Why? "</ P>
" Because I love Chinese food. "</ P>
" He's a Filipino, Dad. "
"Whatever.
Rice is rice."
What's the matter "Rice is rice!"
That's very racist!
I didn't knock on what my mother had to do to get to America
Damn it That's the hustle and bustle. That's the hustle and bustle.
God bless you, ma'am.
You are connected with a soldier and have children in America.
Tuhan memberkatimu, Bu. Dia melakukan apa yang harus dilakukannya.
He could have contact with Filipinos and have children in the Philippines.
Do you know how many comedians are made in the Philippines?
A chicken and flip-flops. Fuck that Fuck that
I don't even like flip flops.
My mother is bullshit.
Mother and my father divorced When I was 10, 11 years old.
My mother had to raise us alone. He did it himself.
Tough luck. He has -
[applause and applause]
Sometimes it's a bit too difficult. </ P>
Like, that's an illegal limit, but...
It sucked.
My mother never took us to the doctor.
My mother raised us like we still in the Philippines.
Dia mencoba menyembuhkan segala sesuatu di rumah, seperti wanita Filipina sejati.
You have to die to go to the hospital.
Poop. My mother cures everything with Vicks VapoRub.
Vicks VapoRub!
I should have died nine times when I was little
It was abuse! There was one time I thought I had pneumonia.
I went, "Mom, I think I have pneumonia." </ P>
He said, "I will add Vicks extra on your body, Yusuf. </ P>
Just rub it where- where, Yusuf. Rub it on the bottom of the foot,
and then put the sock on the foot,
and then pneumonia Will get out of the leg, Joseph. "
I'm just holding the damn Vicks.
I should have called the police.
One time I was very sick - I swear to God, a true story -
I went, "Mom, I don't feel good. I can't sleep I can't sleep, Mom."
My mother grabbed her finger and pressed it at Vicks
and rub it on my eyelids.
On top of my eyelids!
The dirt burns very badly I go, "Mom, it's burning!
I can't open my eyes! "
My mother said," Okay, then you can sleep.
Good night, Joseph. "<
He doesn't care.
That means.
He never hit us. My mother never hit us. He just made us scared.
He likes to curse, and he used to flex like that.
Dia biasa melakukan omong kosong itu! Dia membawanya ke Amerika!
Anyone who does this nonsense, hey, my mom started that nonsense.
He did it for all of us. You know how embarrassing it is,
to be pumped by four feet eight Asian woman in a fucking mall
"Get away from that damn Lockstone. Get out of Foot Locker!"
" I'm not even in Foot Locker! "</ P>
I used to cry and say to my mother, " Mom, if I have children,
I will never do what You did it to me for my children
And my mother looked at me - I swear to God - He put his hand on my shoulder and left,
" Joseph, promise, okay? </ P>
Never had children. "
Damn my dream I tell you this:
I am a comedian, that really goes against wheat
If you have a Filipino mother.
If you have a Filipino mother, it doesn't /> career choices that you should have.
Filipino mothers determine what their children should be when they grow up.
And you know I don't make this nonsense
There are many Filipinos here - I know -
that is nurses.
Today is a good day to get hurt on the show...
because there will be nurses here, like...
[in a Filipino accent] "Oh, my God. Put a cold compress on your head. </ P>
Elebate the peet! Elebate-- Elebate the peet. "</ P>
" What is & apos; elebate & apos;? "< br /> "Lift it up! Lift the peet pucking!
Are you stupid?"
And I'm not - I'm not holding you back to being a nurse
That's a good job, the benefits are great, good money
I'm just saying, that's not your dream.
That's the dream of your Filipino mother.
My mother wants me to be a nurse. Are you kidding me?
Filipino mother babbling about a child's dream their children. And you know I don't lie.
You know I don't lie. You can't have dreams.
"What are you talking about - dream? "
I told my mother that I want to be a comedian. She cries. " Why?
Why do you want to be a comedian, Joseph? <
All your aunts are nurses, your cousin is a nurse.
Have you seen a clown in this family?
Bukan saya. Apakah kamu?"
Damn on my dream there.
Just look at me and go like this: "Joseph, who said you were funny?
Not me."
It's chaotic.
I just said - You're a nurse, God bless you.
But you know There are some nurses outside there
It didn't follow his dream.
There were a number of nurses working in the hospital
who wished they were Jabbawockee.
You know exactly what I'm talking about.
"Hey, follow me to X-rays." "I'll follow you..."
Cursed, nurse it can dance.
"That's always my dream.
My mother doesn't believe me."
Oh, shit.
This is good nurse or postman.
Mailman is another strong choice.
Oh, shit. My mother cried and even suggested,
"Joseph, be a postman.
Your uncle is mailmen. Your cousin, they're a letter person. "</ P>
My stepfather, he's white. He's a bad postman! </ P>
I swear to God. I ask him, "Fred, why did you become a postman?"
He, like, "Your mom told me to be a postman
He raving about my dream. "
I came home from school,
and my mother told my uncle to come and talk to me
about going to the post office
That's how - right? It's messy, isn't it?
Coming home from school, and this is my uncle
By the way, my uncle is one of Filipinos who hid their accent.
He has a thick accent, But he likes to hide his accent
because he doesn't want anyone to think that he has an accent.
And that's just ended sounding like a worse accent.
He sounds like a Filipino Elvis.
And I went home, I came through the door. He rose , he, like...
[deep voice, thick accent] "Joseph, let me talk to you for a while.
So, I hear you want to be a comedian? "
Like, what did you say?
Philippine mother, stopped turning into a Filipino mother
but I can tell you, I don't know all of you,
but if you meet my mother, I guarantee she looks like your mother. </ P>
Mereka hanya dipotong dari kain yang sama.
I don't know what it is about Filipino women
They are beautiful at the age of 20, but just when they hit 69,
they are all morph < br /> to the same Filipino woman
Louis Vuitton bag
"Where are we? Seattle? Moore Theater?"
[laughing]
Break the mold, man.
I looked at my child right in the eye, and I went, "Joe, look, if you dream
and you think you want to do it and you believe it,
then chase the dream. That will happen. That's what I said.
[applause and applause]
"As long as you continue To follow the dream,
your father's back to you I have you, bro, 100 percent."
He said, "Oh, my God, thank you, Father."
I go, "What do you want when you grow up?"
He said, "I want to be an architect."
And I leave, "Joe...
You have another dream What are you talking about? </ P>
Have you ever thought about breastfeeding? Get out of here." </ P >
I love my child, but I understand where my mother came from,
because she was that age.
Right when he was 12 years old, that's when <
And that's when I stopped taking care of him
Because that's what you should do when you're an old man
p>
Twelve? "You have to know how to brush your teeth now
But now I ignore the fact that he doesn't brush his teeth,
I have to be satisfied with his breath.
His breath feels hot.
Hot . And he breathes when he speaks.
[breathing sounds] "Father.
Father.
Father." <
I, like, "Joe, what should I say when do you talk to me?"
"Face the wall."
"Face the wall and write it down.
Let me read it You tried telling me. "
Armpit Fuck.
Armpits smell like chopped onions
And I'm always angry. I'm like, "Joe, why do I smell it first?
I'm here. You're right fucking here. "
I take a deodorant every time. " Joe, this is what you have to do.
Just rub under this armpit like that. That's all you have to do.
Now, listen to me. This is the important part.
When you go to the other armpit, I want you to go to your mouth. "
It's just dirty My child is dirty He likes it. He thinks it's the funniest thing.
Still doesn't know how to sneeze right.
Are you kidding me?
My friend has a daughter The same time I have my child.
She's funny all her life
When he is going to sneeze, he will announce it. "I have to sneeze, Mommy.
I need a napkin. "
His mother will hit a napkin.
" Here it is, darling. Put your nose on a napkin. "
" I have to sneeze, Mom. I have to sneeze. "
[soft sneezing]
This is very beautiful.
Sparkles.
When my child sneezes, there is no announcement.
His face explodes, in the middle of a conversation.
It always happens in restaurants.
He, like, "Daddy, do you see how many points -"
[spark]
And then I still help him. I take a napkin. </ P>
"Here, clean your face, Joe." Because I'm a good father. </ P>
Let me do that with my mom when I was little
Dirt at the dinner table.
"Mom, can you pass -" [splash ]
"Are you kidding me?
Did your hand break when you sneezed?
When you sneeze, you can't use your fucking hand ?
You can't go like that Now there are boogers on the chicken.
You eat all chicken boogers, Yusuf.
All of that is yours Enjoy boogers and chicken.
Delicious, huh? "
All week, I have to eat chicken booger sandwich at school
And he will make fun of me. " How about your sandwich?
Salty,
Shut your mouth. "
I am ready for my child,
and I am prepared financially to take care of him for the next 15 years.
I know that. As a man, as a father,
I know I have to take care of my child for the next 15 years. </ P>
Why? Because he's male man.
Boys don't leave the damn house. They don't leave.
How do I know that? Because I didn't leave the house.
I didn't leave home until I was 28 years old.
"I don't go, my mother can cook."
And I'm ready for that.
Well, if I have a daughter, I won't take penny.
Not a penny Not a penny Why?
Because girls are faster, they grow faster,
and they got rid of him from home!
"Don't talk to me like that, ma'am! That's bullshit! I'm a fucking woman
Don't touch me, Dad. "
Girls at 18 don't care. They are ready for the world.
And you know what I'm talking about. Don't act like you don't. </ P>
There is a woman here who is left behind at 18. </ P>
And the reason why I know is because I have two sisters - </ p >
Gemma and Rowena. Both depart at 18,
and both of them don't return.
Those are some gangster nonsense.
My sister Rowena was the first to leave. Has a full-time job at Wendy & sos.
Swear to God Shift supervisor
He thinks he's a fucking millionaire!
Show my salary every week. "Look at this crap "I'm rich."
And he's ready. Enter the final fight with my mother in the living room.
He has it. " Whatever, Mom, I'm leaving. I'm out of here. </ P>
I'm sick of this damn rule. I'm old enough to take care of myself. </ P>
And you know what? Brian and I, we've searched for a place,
and when we find it, I'm out of here! "</ P>
Dan ibuku hanya menatapnya dan pergi, "Apakah Anda gila?
Get out of here now. "
And my sister doesn't even budge. " Alright, damn it! I'm out of here! "</ P>
And he left. My sister left at 18 and never returned. </ P>
That's some gangster nonsense. </ P >
I remember that day like yesterday. He was in the garage,
loading the trunk of his car with all the crap,
and I was in upstairs in my room.
Then my sister shouted to my room, "I love you so much, Joe!"
And I started crying.
Dan I looked at my mother. I went, "He will die!
He will die, ma'am! "
And my mother looked at me and left, " Well, then let her die.
You want to die with him, Joseph? "
" I don't want to die! "
And he left, and he never returned.
Then my other sister, Gemma, 18 - left. He never returned.
My sister is bullshit. Crap
Because I didn't leave until the age of 28.
Twenty-eight! And even then I'm not sure I'm ready to go. </ P>
I swear to God. </ P>
I remember standing in the doorway with a garbage bag full of my clothes,
and I looked at my mother. I left, "Mom, are you sure you want me to go?"
And my mother said, "Yes, Joseph. It's time. <
It's time for you to be a man now, Joseph.
Now move to the garage. "
And I move to the workshop like a fucking guy </ p >
Twenty-eight.
And then I go back to position 29.
In the garage it feels cold.
I go, "Mom, there's no insulation in the garage."
And my mom let me in. "Come back here, Joseph."
That's what he always does. I always have a second and third chance.
"Come back here, Joseph. I'm just joking.
I thought you were a comedian."
And I returned to position 29. </ p >
And then I moved again to 32. But damn it. That's what boys do.
Poop My sister never get it second chance
Once they leave, that's all. He doesn't care.
"Goodbye.
Don't call me
Do you think you can do it? Oh, go. Do it.
It's cold out there, huh? "
My sister will experience an epic fight with my mother.
Like, some of the nonsense they will say - is extraordinary. </ p >
I remember watching that fight when I was little
My sister Rowena, especially. Damn. Every weekend.
"Mom, I will go with my friend. </ P>
Why do you always ask me? every time I go with my friend? "
" Yes, because every weekend, it's a different person. "
" Yeah, Mom, this is called dating. I'm dating people. I'm allowed to do that
I don't go to school anymore. I make my own money. </ P>
I want to go out and date and have fun. Is that a big problem? "
"Yeah, but you're out every weekend,
just hanging around with different people all the time."
"They're not different people! They're my friends! "</ P>
" Sure, they're your friends. They're just people out there. </ P>
You give your pekpek away for all people!
You don't even know them. Who wants to be worried? You want to be respectful
That you want to be you want? There! It's free! "</ P>
" Pekpek "is" pussy. "</ P>
There are some people who get it,
But then there is some, like, "Did he give chicken?
Every weekend, he has chicken and he gives it?
It's expensive." </ p >
But now they are made. Now they are friends. Best friends
Seeing my mother and sister: That nonsense is funny
Just seeing my mother crying. "I just want you to know that...
I don't think you are giving your friends away for everyone. </ P>
"Well, I don't, Mom. It's here. That's the same thing you gave me. "
Man, I understand, ma'am. God bless you. That nonsense is difficult
My son is 13, and it continues harder and harder
This is very difficult.
My son is in seventh grade. Fuck.
I want all of you new parents to find out this now
When you're in seventh grade and you're not smart,
You definitely won't be smart When your child reaches seventh grade .
This is more difficult.
My child and I fail Mathematics.
This is very difficult.
Now he gets C-minus in Math. C-minus in Mathematics.
In private schools, that's not good. It failed Mathematics. </ P>
So, of course, he brought in for the parent-teacher meeting. </ P>
Private school. That's what they did
They sit you because they are worried
"Hi Mr. Koy, please sit down.
I don't want to surprise you. I want to bite this from the beginning. </ P>
Just want you to know, Mr. Koy, that your child has C-minus in Mathematics. </ P>
Uh oh. </ P>
Uh oh.
That's not good.
You need to help me help him.
I can do whatever I can here at school,
But when he comes home, you need to open the book
and start working on that question with your child
Let's improve again. Let's do this as a team, Mr. Koy. </ P>
Come on! "</ P>
And I'm like, " You know I'm a comedian, right? </ P>
And I hire you to teach mathematics my child.
Uh oh.
What will we do to fix it?
It sounds like you owe me. "
If you have children, take them to public school
That's all - Public schools, please
I pay money school for the education of my seven children.
Then I got a call from the principal. "Mr. Koy, you forgot to pay your milk costs.
You forgot pay for your milk, Mr. Koy. "
I left, "I paid the tuition I thought it was included in the tuition."
"No, Mr. Koy, it's separate."
I'm very angry. I was filling out the document,
and I only saw myself. I left, "I don't believe I filled out the document
to pay for milk. "
He left, " What are you talking about, Dad? "
I went," When I fill out documents, So I can get free milk.
We are poor, Joe.
We can't afford milk,
so my mother fills out the document so we can get free milk.
I can't wait to go to school so I can actually taste calcium.
And it tastes good if it's free. "
He don't know milk for free,
so I have to explain to him like free milk.
I go, "Joe, free milk is a box of milk
that looks like home from Monopoly. </ P>
And there are three simple instructions. You draw the right side to the right,
left to left side,
and then you are stuck in middle and pull it towards your chest,
and it should make a drain.
But it never makes a damn spout.
So, you turn it backwards and start again.
That side is too much glue. You can't even open the damn side.
So you just tore it open in the middle.
Now you're drinking milk out of the square
And when you're done with that milk, you put the ground in it and nuts,
and you plant a tree. "
Yes. Public school.
I have to make my child humble.
How will my child be humble? when am I
His entire school career, he's headed to school
He hasn't ridden a bus before. Damn it will make you humble.
Going to school on a public bus. He doesn't even know what a public bus is -
I just found out my child doesn't know What a school bus. </ p >
We drive on the freeway, and the school bus passes us,
and my child goes like this: "Where did they go?"
"Damn school, jerk. </ P>
Who is this dick? "
He already went to school - You have to go to school by bus.
Damn it will make you humble.
Go to school by bus with a group of children who hate their damn life.
That's me I hate my life.
I'm the last child, and I am the last child.
Hate bullshit Every time I go up, there is only one seat left,
and there is always that child who don't want to share a seat.
And I will approach him.
He, like, "You better not think about sitting here."
And I'm going to go, "Where should I sit?"
"I don't care."
And the bus driver doesn't care.
"You'd better sit back there." "I don't know where to sit.
He won't let me sit.
Dia mulai marah. Dia tidak akan pergi kecuali aku duduk.
I won't even sit above everything.
Leave me - let me sit on the edge. "
I have to sit on the edge and then hold the chair across the hall.
I go to school looks like I'm taking dirt on the bus.
And then he still made love to me.
"Why do you smell like Vicks?"
"Because I have pneumonia."
He's good once.
I have to stop pampering him. I spoil him too much.
How annoying.
But the reason I spoil him is because of I
We are bankrupt as a kid.
And now I can afford it, I bought it all.
And yes , this is for him, but he doesn't know that's actually for us.
All the crap it has, I also want it. I really want it.
This Christmas pisses me off.
I go, "Joe, you want the PS4 to Christmas? " He went," No. "
I went," Why not? </ P>
You are selfish, bro. "</ P>
I want all that nonsense. I want all those toys.
And I hold back, but it's hard. This is very unlucky.
We went to the mall. This, like, seven months ago, eight months ago.
And a kiosk with hoverboards.
Oh, shit And my son succeeded like damn nature.
He just woke up and was like, "Oh, my God, Father.
Father.
Daddy! </ P>
Ayah! Aku harus memiliki ini, Ayah. Aku harus memiliki ini. "
And I just looked at him, and this is what I said in my head.
I went, "Yes, right."
But I became a good father
I, like, "No. I can't buy it for you."
He said, "Why not?" I left, "Because You have C-minus in Math,
and I can't repay you for that. </ P>
Bring the value to B, and I'll buy it for you. "</ P>
My son goes like this: "Are you serious now?"
And this is what I say, I swear to God. I go like this: "I know, right?
Why did you fail the test, man? "
Both of us left the mall just cried fuckin '
I really wanted that hoverboard.
Then I told him, "Joe, I'll buy you that basket.
I'll give you a tutor, and he will help you with your math.
You managed to finish it, it's done. "
So, I got a tutor.
This is nonsense from my father. Only for one week with the tutor
He has a quiz the following week. Four of five are correct.
It doesn't even apply to classes.
And I just look at it like this: "Look at you, Einstein.
Looks like we need to go to the mall and get something, right?"
And I have that hoverboard. Oh, I really love that thing. </ P>
I drive it every morning. </ P>
[bleeping sound]
"Anda ingin sereal?"
"Yes, Father." "I'll be right back."
[bleeping sound]
I fell on the hoverboard. Damn.
I got a wooden floor in my house.
This is how it sounds when I fell
Twice, because I jumped on the floor.
And this is how old I am. When I finally landed, this is what I said.
I went, "Uhh!
Oh, hip damn it!
Oh, my damn hip! It's broken! "
And my son doesn't give two nonsense about me.
He came round the corner and went like this: "Daddy? </ P>
Where is my hoverboard?" </ P>
"Fuck, Joe. </ P>
Damn you. "
Don't buy the hoverboard.
I don't even know why they sell it in America.
I don't know how they got past the inspection. They are dangerous.
When the battery dies, it doesn't even tell you
I swear to God , he just stopped in the middle of the trip.
And then your catapults throughout the living room at 17 miles per hour.
I fly by air with a bowl cereal, like, "What's this?!
Dirt!"
Thirteen. Fuck. They grow fast, you guys.
She's at an age where she doesn't want to kiss me again That makes me very sad.
I hate her. "Happy days at school." < br /> He is like this: "Alright."
And me...
Saya tidak tahu harus berbuat apa sekarang. Berubah menjadi laki-laki
I don't like the way God tells you that your child is turning into a man.
It's too fast. I'm not even mentally ready for this
I found out last year that he turned into a man.
It sucked up. Last year-- This is when I found out. </ p >
He was in the pool, swimming, and I was outside the pool,
just watching my child swim. He came out of the pool.
Here's what he said to me, word for word, when he came out of the pool.
He went like this: "This pubic hair tickles my ass." </ p >
And when he said "pubic hair," I mean one pubic hair.
Only one. This is so long, This tickles the bastard.
And I started crying. I went, "Why do you have pubic hair?
Why?"
And that's it. That's it. Pube is here
That was last year. He's 13 years old now. How much does he have now, 20?
I'm not ready for that. No more toys.
There are no more cute toys He used to play when he was 11, 12.
Transformers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - fuck it. </ P>
He has a new toy. </ P>
He has a new toy he will love to play with even more. </ P >
He might be playing with it in front of the old toy.
And there's nothing I can do for it. I'm not ready for that. </ P>
Now! This is when it starts! </ P>
Tigabelas. Ini adalah saat dimulai.
Dirt! And I'll catch it.
I'll catch it It's inevitable I'll catch my son jerking.
Is it Are you kidding me? And what should I say to him when I catch him?
I don't even know what to say to him. What did I say? "Stop doing that "?
It's messed up. I'm still doing it!
Who am I?
" Only one person flinched in this house. </ p >
And because I have it, take your little dick outside
This is my lotion. "
He'll be caught. Because boys careless with their work.
They are careless about their work, and you know what I'm talking about
They just-- They don't know what to do .
Thirteen?
[grunts]
I'm the scariest. When I was 13 years old? Dirt.
Thirteen - I can eat cereal, jerks,
watching cartoons and looking out for my mom at the same time.
Just creepy nonsense.
"Aah! Damn!" <
This is dirty.
It's dirty, but it's alive. Here it is.
I'll catch it Fuck.
He will be very scary. Boys are creepy with their jobs.
They don't know. The first time they did it,
20 times the first , nothing comes out, woman. You know that right?
It's just you and your friend at a party.
And then your friend starts to dry up without reason.
[laughs]
Oh yes. Yes yes.
[snoring]
Yes!
And that's why we got caught. Because we think it happens all the time. </ P>
And no. </ P>
One day, something came out, and we don't know what to do fucking. </ P>
That makes us complacent. Like...
[laughs] Blam!
"Aah!
No no no no!
Oh no! Oh my God!
No no! No!
Oh my God!
I'm ready for the church! "
You go to church with prints coming in your chest
I want every woman to know this now. We don't stop.
We don't stop, okay? I don't stop.
I've done it since I was little. I was caught by my mother.
My mother caught me. The worst day of my life
My worst day - And I don't like How calm in this room now.
I'm right- right no I don't like how it is every man looks like:
"This is rather disgusting.
How can he be caught by his mother?" </ p >
I want every guy in this room to find out this tonight
You were also caught by your mother. He caught your stupid ass.
He saw it. It was an adult woman. He knew what the teenager was doing. </ P>
He never said anything for your stupid ass. </ P>
But he found it. Whatever it is you are abusing, he found it.
Dia hanya tidak memberitahu Anda tentang hal itu. Dia sedang membersihkan kamarmu.
And he, like, "Oh, let me take the plate.
Oh, it's not a plate.
That's a towel."
He just - He didn't say anything to you. My mother said something to me,
because that's how it was fucking mother I have
But I think I'm bulletproof .
Socks. Genius. Socks.
Sock, inhibits. Sock, inhibits.
All weeks. Sock, inhibits. </ P>
Two Friday. Sock, socks, inhibits, inhibits. </ P>
Then Sunday comes. My mother goes into my room.
"Stop putting your socks off.
Are you kidding me now?
You want me to clean it up? Fuck, Joseph.
That's disgusting. I've thrown away all of your socks.
You have two pairs of left socks for the rest of this year
You made love to them - no more socks, Joseph.
You will go to school < br /> barefoot like that, huh?
The principal will call me "Joseph doesn't have socks."
& apos; Yeah, because he keeps screwing them! & apos; "
We all do it. We all do it.
Everyone here is still doing it.
That's scary. We will switch from this, but I just want to keep going.
We have plenty of time to kill.
Everyone does it. We haven't stopped.
We get better at it.
We don't stop because we cringe, Woman.
We're just scary people.
I don't care how long you've been with your man -
five years, ten years, five days - no problem
That's bullshit
I want every woman to know this:
The most creepy man in this room tonight is the person you came to
I swear to God. There is nothing creepier in this room. </ P>
Don't look across the hall or ride on the balcony
He sits right beside you. </ P >
That person is a creepy and creepy villain.
Don't give it to him for a few days. Watch him, "Uhh!"
I don't care how your handsome man.
When we flinch, we all look the same.
Creepy With ourselves
Satu sepatu di. Selalu satu sepatu.
Look at the toes! Look at the damn leg!
The shirt is tucked under the chin.
Do you know that , woman?
Did you know your man folded the shirt? under his chin?
do you want to know why?
Because he doesn't want the bottom of the shirt to touch his penis,
because he will still wear the shirt for the rest of the day
Creepy fortune teller will be worn His shirt is a jerk
to tonight's comedy show
Don't shake anyone's hand here tonight.
I swear to God, Diversity in this room outside
I'll tell you right now.
I'll only be honest with you guys. I'll put everything there.
Nobody is indirectly racist than the Filipino mother.
My sister will marry his fiancee.
He is dark. He is dark. Darker than you
My sister gets the darkest. </ P>
Some are black, then there are evenings. </ P>
Andre is at night. </ P>
Andre used to kill him in a hidden place and look for when he was little.
Don't even have to hide. Just close his eyes like that.
"On where are you, Andre? " " Here, bastard.
I won again. "
You should have seen how my mother acted when meeting Andre for the first time.
When he goes home, my mother goes like this.
[shudders]
"Put my bag in the room. < br /> Put my wallet in the room. "
I was very angry at my mother.
I took her to the kitchen. I, like, "Mom, are you kidding me?
Just because he's black, you're want me to put your wallet in the room?
Are you kidding me now? "
Then he's angry at me and makes me feel like a racist.
Some Jedi Filipino poop.
He just looked at me and left, "Oh, just because he's black, Joseph,
and I told you to put my wallet
Do you think your mother is a racist?
Wow, Joseph.
Wow.
Wow. <
I will do it with strangers, Joseph.
White, black, Latin, Asian. I don't care
If I don't know you, put my bag in the room.
That's Louis Vuitton. "
I went," Mom, you know what you are doing. Stop right now.
You make Andre feel very uncomfortable. "
And my mother looked and left, " I didn't make her feel uncomfortable.
You are. Take me to the kitchen to talk to me.
Are you kidding me now?
I did everything to make Andre feel comfortable.
I fry chicken, I put basketball on TV. "
" From everything you can cook tonight,
You decide to fry chicken. "
" Joseph, they love chicken. "
They love -
" They love chicken, Joseph. "
Right when I say that, Andre goes into the kitchen.
He, like, "Oh, I'm sorry.
Sorry. I'm sorry. I don't know you are in the kitchen.
Question fast: do you fry chicken? "
And my mother said," Yes, Andre. We - We fry chicken.
But if you don't like chicken, I can -
I can cook something else, if -
If you don't like chicken. "
And Andre, like, " Oh, no, no, I like chicken. </ P>
I eat it every day. "</ P>
Then he came out of the kitchen. </ P>
Then my mother looked at me and go like this:
[whispering] "I already told you."
That's very racist -
Right? That's racist. Right, black people? </ P>
Itu rasis - Anda ingin mendengarnya Bagian paling rasis tentang cerita itu?
Andre doesn't talk like that.
I gave Andre the sound of the 80s black rapper because it's more funny.
If you've met Andre, he talks like this:
"Hello, my name is Andre."
I made him speak - "I like chicken!" Who talks like that?
I've never even met a black person who talks about chicken like,
[knocking] "I like chicken, I eat it every day. </ p >
I eat chicken in everything. "
[grunts]
He will get married. My sister will get married. Dirt.
That's good right? How long have you been together?
[woman] Eighteen years.
Eighteen years? Oh God
Eighteen strong years. Do you have children? Two children?
How old are the children. Eighteen and what?
Do you see the baby coming out?
You are more well, man
You have to look at that crap.
That's why a lot of you out there -
If you don't pay for your child's support, </ p >
I want you to start thinking about what happened that day
And remember, that shit spends a lot of money.
I give my ex whatever I want.
I saw the baby come out. Fuck that damn.
And many of you women Need to be more graphic with people- This person
doesn't pay for their child's support.
Let them hear. Stop being nice about it.
"Your daughter wants /> to take ballet classes
He needs shoes and some lessons.
Your child wants to play sports. He needs cleats and some equipment. "
Fuck that Be a graphic " Why do I want extra money?
Because those kids tear my pussy.
Ripped. Ripped. </ P>
Tear it up Ripped. "
It's not like that.
I don't want you to think it's torn and keep it that way.
That's a cool thing about pussy It's back together.
This is damn - It's like a Transformer.
It's like Pussimus Prime.
It's like Babybots.
[grinding]
What's the matter?!
I saw the baby come out. Fuck that damn.
The pussy is beautiful, < br /> not that day
That day, that's the evil twin.
This isn't even the vagina. This is called "va-gina."
"I am Va-gina.
I gave birth to a baby.
Push it, baby
Oh come on. I'm Va-gina. </ P>
Push! Oh, here it is the baby! </ P>
Oh , this is the baby!
Oh dear! "
The head of my child is hanging out like this.
And then he coughs, and he comes back in.
I, like, "Oh, shit!
The vagina has just eaten the baby!"
I remember my child going, "Daddy!" </ p >
Dating. Dating right? It's rude right? Dirt.
This is the problem about dating. All you need is safe.
Just be safe and your daughter will fucking your love
Stop being insecure Once you feel insecure
and start questioning him, it's fucking turns him away.
Don't ask him every time he goes out with his girlfriend
"Where did you go?"
"I went with my girlfriend. I already said that."
"Okay, what time will you go home?"
"I don't know, maybe later. I don't know What the fuck
Seriously? Did I do this with you? on your fucking night? "
"I'm just saying, I'm just curious..."
[mumbling]
They hate that crap. Be safe and leave it he goes.
That changes a girl. Ignore him. He loves that nonsense.
It pisses him off, and he likes it at the same time.
If you don't call him all the time. Even confuses him when he leaves.
"I go with my daughter." "Okay, see you later." </ p >
"But are you going to ask where -"
"No. Go with your daughter."
"Okay, that's crazy."
Don't call him all night. Ignore him
He'll be at the club, panicking.
Just fucking dancing, looking at his phone
"What is this?"
Damn it changed it.
Because people are angry at girls when they go out with their girlfriends.
Stop being insecure Damn it
If he goes with his friends, he goes out with his friends.
And people are always angry. "Yeah, but every time he comes out,
people buy his drink, and then he takes them."
There's no bullshit They're free, jerk.
Don't you drink fucking? It's free?
If a girl comes to you - "Hey, I want to buy you a drink,"
You will, like, "What is this? </ P>
Can you buy some of my friends?" </ P>
And if a man buys your girl in a drinking club,
That means he's one of them the hottest chicks in that damn club. </ P>
So you should be proud with that crap.
And don't be angry with him to get a free drink
That's the hustle and bustle. He's sexy,
and he gets a free drink from a dude at the club.
You don't need to worry about it because he has your back
Every girl who has a man and he's in the club
has the back of his dude
Swear to God And you know what I'm talking about.
He will continue to get the drink for free. He will get it, as much as he can.
"I'll be free to drink all night."
And then, when the question appears: "Do you have a boyfriend?"
"Yeah, he's at home. His name is John. He's black. Goodbye
See you Goodbye Thank you!"
Because that's what women do.
They get your back, and you know what I'm talking about
Every man buys drinks for girls < br /> it has a guy, and you know that
They dropped it on you at the last second. Because that's what women do.
So, don't be angry at your girl When she goes with these people.
Let them go. Let them have like as many drinks as they want.
Let them fucking get ripped off the fuck up.
Like many drinks Let him get it. Like many drinks.
"Thank you, thank you."
And then he'll go home drunk,
and then he will want it suck your penis...
on the tab
"What is this?
This blowjob is free?! "
In fact, when your girl is out, you're out.
Don't stay at home Go fucked up too.
That's the best sex you've ever had. You both ignored each other all night long,
Both of you got screwed with your own friends,
and then Both of you go home unlucky drunk. </ P>
That's the funniest crap. </ P>
And that person is always the first at home. </ P>
"Baby !
Babies! "
There is no house
Then, suddenly, he walks through the door, drunk drunk.
[chuckles]
"Hello dear."
He's limping because he has one heel.
"Hello honey."
"Hi dear.
Hi dear."
"Hello dear.
Why didn't you send me a message all night?"
"I don't know where my phone is." </ P>
Ini persegi sial di sini.
That changes it.
"Your phone is there, you are stupid.
Your cellphone is there, stupid.
I will suck you. "
They are drunk and horny. " I will annoy you.
I swear to God. I will annoy you. "
And then he, like, "I will scoff at you."
"I will scoff at you."
Then you walk towards each other, want to make love to each other,
But it's not even funny.
It only looks like two zombies about making love to each other.
"I will mock you."
"I will scoff at you."
"I will scoff at you . "
" I will scoff at you. "
The woman always gets into the bedroom first, completely naked.
Completely naked. "Come on, honey, come on.
Oh , I'll fuck the shit - "
These legs are really dirty.
This one is clean, very clean. This one - gravel in the heel. </ p >
"Come on, honey. I will scoff at you from you
Come on."
The man walked down the hall, fully clothed.
Drunk.
Spending time.
He is crazy too, because not only is he drunk,
But his dick is more drunk.
And he doesn't know what to do,
because this will happen, But he can't.
And drunk people will talk to their penis. They don't care.
Like, "Come on, wake up.
Come on. Why are you doing this to me? Let's go. Why are you doing - "
And your penis, like, " I'm drunk too, jerk. </ P>
What do you want me to do? "
We will start grabbing blood from everywhere. " Don't do this to me.
You need to give me something. Don't do this to me. "
But our dick is our best friend. He doesn't let us hang.
He gave us something. It's not much, but it's something.
It's like half and half. Soft on top, hard in the middle.
And it barely lasts. It's just balancing the ball like this.
"Try this, this can work. This works. "
And we, like, " Are you sure you will succeed? "
"Hurry up before I change my damn thoughts."
And we went to put it inside. He, like, "Man, I can't do this." </ P>
I love you Thank you very much. </ P>
♪ Finally here You know I'm finally here ♪
♪ Finally it's here You know I'm finally here ♪
♪ I heard these people talking about Where am I ♪
♪ I'm on a tour trying to do it ♪
♪ They talk like that "Man, you finally succeeded, dawg" ♪
♪ Damn, I'm working for copping my second home ♪
♪ I remember when I returned Nobody wants to listen ♪
♪ The kind of funny that's done comes and goes ♪
♪ But I'm still here And I'm not going anywhere ♪
♪ Well, this is my time , comfortable This is where I belong ♪
♪ The truth is, I'm a savage person ♪
♪ The flow is cold and polite ♪
♪ But like a girl fat Fighting with skinny tricks ♪
♪ Don't take your sister lightly ♪
♪ I know my enemy hates me... ♪
♪ You know I'm finally here ♪
♪ There's nothing to fear ♪