First of all, Thank you very much for doing this
I know you're busy I'm kind of embarrassed to ask you a question.
What do you need, exactly? Because of me...
Um, I want you...
- You will look at the camera. - Right
Have the audience really excited to see me, a good introduction
Only makes them really juiced to get me out
What about: "Ladies and gentlemen,
You are on for the night from your life The next comedian makes Jerry Seinfeld and Chris Rock look like trash.
George Carlin and Richard Pryor are bad luck compared to him
Welcome to the greatest comedian in the world: Jim Norton. "
Well, that's too much. It's a little above. - What is it? - Yeah, too much
- Oh. - It's hard to believe all of that.
trying to make you big. So...
Something a little less pressure-stimulating.
All right, okay You don't want to be stressed. I'm sorry. = when doing special on Netflix
it will look by millions of people. But you don't want pressure.
- Must be honest. - honest
- Honest is important - Good. Honest. Yes, honest.
What about: "please convey for dirty, disgusting,
turtle tortoise peeled with AIDS,
king of cum-guzzling itself, Mr. Jim Norton."
- Too honest - huh? Sorry.
[sighs]
Hey buddy. I get help asking you questions.
I shot specifically, and I saw for someone to introduce me to,
and I will be happy to be you.
You will only say something good about me and bring me on stage.
If it will...
Listen, I appreciate you doing this,
but it doesn't seem like like you really means all that.
You don't believe what I just said?
Ladies and gentlemen, come to the stage in the near future,
Soon, Jim Norton.
- See? There. It is not good. - What do you mean?
You don't sound like you mean it. You must say it with confidence.
You told me how to deliver it?
Your goal here is to get people very happy and happy to see me
I'm an actor I'm not a pesky magician.
You don't like the way I do it? Hah?
I'm not saying that I don't like it.
Stop acting so nervous.
Do it again, You stab the bad luck.
Please, do it again.
- Motivation You have to... - My motivation
It should be...
Now say again with confidence, you are a bad ugly slug
Motivation You must...
You're dirty, nervous jab Jimmy, come on! You can do it!
Women and men, please help me
and welcome to Jim Norton!
- [audience cheering and clapping] - [playing rock music]
♪ The world today Is that evil place ♪
♪ The fight continues Between the human race... ♪
Thank you.
Thank you very much for coming. I really appreciate you being here.
How about that?
[cheering audience]
Robert De Niro hit my naked ass.
I'm sick of the day we shot it, and my whole fear, I like,
"Please, don't be unlucky in his hand. Don't be unlucky in his hand."
Listen, I have a good comedy career. I did stand-up for 20 years.
I'm not mainstream famous, obviously. Kevin Hart is famous for the mainstream.
I have a type of fame where people will see me, and they are kind of...
Sometimes they know they have seen me somewhere,
but they're not sure where
Never an attractive woman.
Even if they know me, they don't say it, Because they're not sure.
"Did I see him on stage somewhere, or did he follow me home?"
I always have it...
"Do I see it in Louie? or in my bush?"
But I don't know what you know about comedians,
But there's nothing more we hate than some random people leave,
"Bro, where do I know you?"
The last thing I want to say is, "I'm a comedian. Oh, don't choose me. I will use you in my actions, buster. Come on, let's sit down."
This is disgusting. So, whenever someone says, "Where do I know you,"
I will usually leave, "I think I suck on your penis.
You like root, don't you? Do you like roots?
Two fingers in the ass, thumb on the ball I know you.
Don't be angry, man. I think it's you
Maybe it's your father He looks like you. I am sorry.
Don't be angry You say, do I look familiar? "
I feel very good. I like being able to shoot in New York.
It's nice to be back home. And I feel rested. = An extraordinary dream that Kim Kardashian is sitting on my face and just grinding.
Well, but then I woke up and realized my nose was just stuffy.
I like fat donkeys more than white people should.
Black people should like fat donkeys,
But I really like big and fat donkeys.
But I tend to date small women.
So, it's terrible when I see a big, fat ass if I'm with a little girl,
and they are like, "That's disgusting." Then I have to sell.
"Yeah, this is terrible. Oh, it will feel terrible, Maternity waist.
I don't like holding it and sliding in Ugh!
Oh, her pussy might grip you like Aliens' mouth.
Oh, disgusting!
Very bad, The soft meat bounces back against you.
I like your hip order. That's what I like, your skeleton...
Ass like a leukemia patient. That's what makes me excited.
Oh, I like it when you turn around and go... "
[coughing]
I fought recently. I didn't fight much.
I'm not a big person, so I'm right really doesn't fight very much. But I have a big mouth. I won my fight, though.
I really won the fight that I faced.
That is a man. He's a little drunk, I guess.
He is in a shop, and I only hear it,
and I can't help myself.
She's got fedora.
And he talked to salesgirl,
and he is like, "What do you think? I have to wear this?"
And I said, "Rope."
The truth is very good fashion advice
But he grabbed my shirt. That's why I think he's drunk.
He grabbed my shirt, and he was like, "What did you say?"
And I'm like, "I'll cum."
Then he immediately gave up.
Too late, unfortunately.
People are so homophobic. This is very funny to me.
We use homophobia to make each other uncomfortable,
to dominate each other as we grow older
You remember ten or 11 years, You will sit at your friend's house,
watching TV in the living room,
and then he just walked out of nowhere and began to hit the side of your face?
Remember?
I'm still like that. Still having fun making love with your friends.
I went into a public toilet, and a friend of mine was in the urinal,
and you have to do something When your friend is in the urinal.
You just have to make love to him a little. He didn't hear me enter,
so I slipped behind him very slowly and I stood about an inch behind it,
Then I put my mouth right behind the hair of his neck, and I just left...
[inner voice] "Hey!"
And he panics, and it's not my friend.
however.
Do you know how difficult it is to explain to strangers,
why did you just talk on his neck?
Oh man. I feel great. I feel really good.
Life has only been good lately. And it's very funny,
Because you find things that you like as you get older.
I'm in my 40s now, so you feel bad It makes you feel good.
Like, I have hate from someone telling a story,
and at one point in the story, you know how they ask you to guess part of...
Usually because the story is bad,
and they think that your guess will encourage their story to be interesting.
They will say, "Guess how much?" Then you guess the number,
and then they tell you the actual number,
and you are like, "Damn it! I should have guessed..."
I have started to guess intentionally just to really destroy the momentum of the story
Once you do that, you will never be able to do it. And I know I'm bullshit to rob a little victory from all my friends
Damn them. Their stories are terrible.
My manager Jonathan... I love him, but he did this to me all the time.
He bought a watch, and he paid 1,500 dollars to watch it.
And if he just said, "I paid 1,500 for watching this, but it costs 2,000,"
I must have been impressed.
I must have been like, "Oh, cool, you saved 500 dollars."
But he tried to have, like, "holy shit" while with him.
She's like, "Man, I paid 1,500 for this watch.
Guess what the price is."
"I don't know. One hundred thirty thousand?"
And I'm still dizzy remembering it
That damn smile melted from his face Because now the real number has no impact at all
Like, I think 130,000. He can't go, "No. 2,000."
"Oh, hey, That's saving too!"
Fucking shoot yourself. Your story is very terrible And I started doing it... That's weird. I started...
Fun guessing, I discovered accidentally.
I tried to do the right thing. A friend of mine is really fat.
Will it not be big if I just left it there?
"A friend of mine is fat" and moves to something else.
Like, it's only me talking to him. "You know who you are."
A friend of mine is really fat. He starts losing weight, which is great,
but instead of just letting someone pay attention to it,
he told us that he lost his weight, which was rather awkward
Because it hasn't really been seen.
She's like, "Dude, I lost a lot of weight." In my mind, I'm like, "Allegedly."
I didn't see the evidence at all.
But then he put me in place. He is like, "Guess how many kilograms."
And I don't want to be nonsense. "Uh, period..."
So, in an effort to be kind, I'm too guessing. I'm like, "50?"
She's like, "No. Six."
And I realize that by guessing,
I really robbed him at that time and made him feel bad.
And that makes me very happy.
I feel very good. I don't know how to handle feelings...
I don't know how life feels good. I'm very unfamiliar with that.
However, I am depressed, like everyone else I experience feelings like bullshit. Have you ever had suicidal thoughts? Anyone?
[man] Oh, yeah
It's very fast... Whenever you say "suicidal thoughts,"
You don't want the answer as soon as that
"Yes!"
Hope you aren't on the first date. That's the wrong time.
"I want to kill myself and everyone in the theater."
Oh good. That...
But it's weird that cunning and how it hit you from nowhere.
You are not ready for that.
Great things, then suddenly, your voice, like...
"You forgot to hang yourself." "What?"
I'm not trying to upset everyone. This is gone in six months.
And I don't want to kill myself,
but I've come for a peaceful conclusion,
that if I ever decide to commit suicide, I will go in style.
And before I do it, I want to write a note blaming someone I don't know.
How funny is it, just to destroy someone's life for no reason at all?
But it must be really random.
Choose a man at work You have spoken with it once in eight years.
Not even a man from your department. Just make it, you know...
"Murray in Human Resources will know what this is."
And fucking hang yourself.
For the rest of his life, Murray will be all chaotic and socially awkward.
"I don't know. I told that person once in 2014."
I'm a terrible liar. I am a very bad liar.
And I wish I was better,
Because it's difficult for me to be good in relationships.
So, the fact is, I just gave myself up when I lied.
I always feel like that is clear. Some people are really experts lying.
Your teacher can enter and catch you one of his friends.
"What are you doing?" "He fell, honey, I picked him up."
So smooth. And I admire your ability to do that,
because I'm just... my eyes are getting wider.
I sound like an actor from the 1940s if I send an SMS to the wrong person
"Who is that?" "This is a friend, see? Ahh."
Fucking throws the phone at the bathtub.
"Nothing can be seen there, chum. Ahh."
Have you ever been a bad liar?
that you are trying to lie truthfully
in a sarcastic tone in your voice,
Because it feels less like a lie?
Like, if your boyfriend knows you cheated him.
"Do you have sex with him?"
"Yes!
Oh yes, yes. I fucked her twice When you were in the hospital."
Which is fairly honest in the transcript.
My ex-girlfriend caught me. I am very badly damaged.
Has anyone ever coughed up talking? for someone who shouldn't?
Because it's black-and-white...
Here it is.
One morning, I was experiencing An unpleasant conversation with a girl,
that I have met once.
And that's what we are doing now in the digital era.
You talk to people you might not talk to before,
because you can do it on your cellphone
And that was one of those three hours, lathered-up, fucking dirty...
I offered $ 500 to come and put his foot in my mouth.
But I'm talking to this girl Maria.
And again, we never hang out. We only meet once.
I'm done I just flinched and fell asleep.
[ripping sound]
This is 2011 I remember this like yesterday,
and he goes, "Get up, Jim."
The tone of voice implies this won't be good news
"Get up, Jim." I'm like, "What?"
I don't know why my impression of me woke up.
"Wha..." I don't talk like that.
Look, I'm overact, even in real life.
[mumbling] "Wha..."
I'm like, "What?" And he said,
"I found out about your fucking conversation with Maria last night."
And I'm kind of panicking, but I'm looking up,
and my phone exactly where I left it the night before.
I am like, "I do not know what you are talking about He is like," $ 500 to lick his feet, You are fucking? "
So, now I know he knows. Either that or he is an amazing guess. But I hope I will improve the line I did before:
" Hey, I won't go more than 350 for worship of feet. "
Ha ha! Followed him Ohh, we must make love.
But I know I was caught somehow. I don't know how he knows.
But you know how it is when you get caught
I'm just like, "I'm sorry. I'm a sex addict. I don't know."
There is no way to find information when you tried to save your contact I can't go, "Honey, I love you. How do you know, for future reference?"
Here's how he knows. He tells how he knows.
Because none of us are smart as we think we are.
None of us understands the technology as we think we do.
And we are all on Wi-Fi, and all devices are connected.
And I am in this chat, and I are trained.
I only have one hand to use on the phone, is clear.
I pressed the wrong button
and I printed the whole conversation in the living room...
Seven-page PDF file.
Obviously too, Because I just put in fresh ink.
It's very easy to read.
And with a terrible coincidence, he needed a printer the next morning,
Because he was studying in college at that time.
He is very advanced for his age.
So, he pulled out this conversation from the printer,
and the paper he wrote, and he left for class with this.
And this is really the truth. Thank God he didn't hand it over.
Because he's crazy.
I'm sure he must have woken me up by putting a knife in my stomach He won't...
But it will be a funny joke. There are no funny parts.
That would be a very clever joke If he handed it over, and I would have been...
"I got A. He got C. Hei-oh!"
The truth itself is not funny. This is just sad.
The way he plays is he reads the text,
and he feels really betrayed, and he cries.
[taunting crying]
Do you know?
That's what I will do. I'm going to jazz with one of them.
"Got a lot..." do you know?
But I regret it.
You must be very careful about what you say and what you put in the text,
because of this day and age, whatever you do Can you damn your life You must be very scared of every text you send,
every dirty image you send, everything you use on Snapchat
I mean, I will tell you which has been hit for privacy.
Hulk Hogan does more for privacy rather than annoying politicians who have done it in the last ten years
Because he demanded Gawker not to exist.
And that is a very big thing. You know the story.
The Hulk is screwing the woman. He did not know he was filmed.
And Gawker, I think, posted a link there, and he said it ruined his life.
I think there is racist language or something.
I thought at that time, Brooke was dating a black man,
and I don't think the Hulk is too happy.
And apparently he said the word "negro" Many times
The dog that Bounty Hunter hung up on on him
So, WWE fired him, and he said it ruined his life.
But I will be honest.
I am a bigger fan of Hulk Hogan now than I have never
Did you see a chicken at Hulk Hogan?
I ran out and bought a small yellow headband.
I'm a hulkamaniac
Jesus Christ. I never understood why the stupid foot fell
is an effective finishing step.
But now I'm just amazed to be killed
with the civil war cannon tied to his feet "I will tear your bastard apart, brother!"
Thank you. That's my Hulk Hogan.
That's what you do if you can't do it an impression of being a comedian.
You are just jazz with funny moves. Are you like Christopher Walken?
"Oh, you know, my watch, Ow!"
You named someone, I will do it. I don't care I do good
I thought you would name someone. Well.
[woman] Oprah!
Oprah? Worst guess ever.
You have to watch it. I'm in a mess I messed up that relationship,
Because of that girl, she's dirty, man.
He will, like, lick my ass. He is a police officer.
Everyone likes their butts eaten.
Don't pretend that I'm the only one who likes their ass licked.
This is why it doesn't happen festive applause
that donkeys are worth doing.
Literally... No, you don't need to do it now.
But every time someone mentions eating disorders, this is what people have to do:
"Wait for me. Let me lower my drink and applaud the idea of seclusion."
[applause is scattered]
No no
Hey. Easy.
He will eat my ass, and he will...
Look, here it is by making your ass lick.
His...
It's embarrassing to ask.
There is nothing worse than asking for something and have a girl go, "No." Then you're embarrassed to like it.
If you want a girl to suck your penis, You might go, "Come on, get rid of my dick."
And if he says no, then you can somewhat persuade him a little.
Like, "Come on, suck my cock.
Eh? How about that?"
But it's a shame if you like,
"Come on, just lick my ass a little." "Not."
"Come on, what are you doing? Back there and eat it
Part of the hair with a comb and slam your face there.
What are you doing?
You will feel like you are kissing skin head of the marathon runner.
Go there, goose is ridiculous. "
So, you have to signal that.
Because you can't be shy about something if you hint.
So, say your boyfriend _ suck your penis,
and he pops out and he, like, licks his back.
Exaggerating, obviously.
What do you want, truth in comedy? Alright, so, he licked...
"What did he do? Did he seal an envelope
or roll the joint? I don't understand."
But if you signal something, There is no shame in it Because they can't refuse it.
So, if your girlfriend gives you your head, You start lifting your hips...
just a little. and groan. A little help, like...
[groaning]
Your ball will slowly drag its face like a street sweeper
Then they finally just sit on his forehead
He looks like the Emperor of Tiberius.
She's like, "Okay, I understand. You want your ass to lick. Understand."
And then they always do it The little tester licks your asshole.
Just a little...
Have you ever licked a jerk? It's like testing a battery.
And I will brag a little. My bitch passes with flying colors.
My asshole like two is immaculate, _ the hairless peach.
And that's how I described it in PlentyOfFish.
"Two parts of the peach which are immaculate and hairless,
are only intended for nuzzling."
But I'm a dirty person. I'm a dirty person And it's funny.
My entire career... for you who is familiar with me...
I always say, "I'm a pervert." But I'm not a pervert.
Because deviating implies You are like a victim,
or you like to cheat people.
And I realized recently. I don't like anyone who is vulnerable in sex.
I don't like drunk girls. I don't like underage girls.
I don't have sex with children.
And I'm not why more men Don't talk about it
That's my best quality.
I don't like virgins. I don't like women who have just been with some guys,
Because it means too much for them, and I know I'm kind of bullshit.
So, I don't want a girl to see me with love puppies,
just kiss it like, "You are very special.
Do you love me too? Oh my God. I am very happy."
I want a girl to see my cock and leave, "Ugh, I hope it's black,"
and then blow the snot rocket on it.
Jared Fogle is a pervert.
How do you mess up Subway support?
Jared's whole work is to lift the big and fat pants.
That's the job.
What he has to do to stay really rich: Don't get fat, don't make love with children.
How difficult is that?
I can do that in my sleep.
If you just say it to yourself on the way out the door...
"Don't get fat and don't make love with children. Don't get fat
don't make love with children Don't get fat, don't kill children."
But it's amazing how many people...
You realize their sexual behavior is very messy
Obviously, Cosby. I like the new reason now.
"I can't do the rape. I'm blind now."
Oh, that's how it works.
And I feel very bad for his wife, Nelson Mandela.
Jesus.
But you know Cosby is guilty of when Oprah...
Oprah. You got me on fucking Oprah.
You know Cosby was guilty of doing it. Whoopi Goldberg stopped defending himself.
Whoopi defends him for years, and finally he has to...
But first, what happened to Whoopi Goldberg?
He looks like a KRS-One now. What happened to him?
And many of these women... This is what tells you that he did it.
Many women are in their 70s,
And the 70-year-old woman didn't lie about rape
I am not saying that young women are liars,
But the woman is old Don't ever talk about sex
They don't lie about sex.
A seventy year old woman lies about other nonsense
"My grandson called."
"Fuck, liar, no, no. That's the wrong number, and you hold it on the phone for an hour and a half.
You lied to the old bag!"
But you try to find something good in all things
And the beautiful thing about the relationship ends
is that it forces me to start working out Because I know I will have to meet women again
And I lost a lot of weight.
Has anyone lost weight? recent years?
How much weight is lost?
[man] I lost 100 pounds. I lost 100 pounds.
What? You lost 100 pounds?
Gosh. What, do you drown your girlfriend? What happened?
- How do you lose 100 pounds? - I did not succeed. I only...
You don't work? Come on. Do you mean that is natural?
That's like I said, "I don't play for the Lakers."
Not bad luck, stupid
When you start losing weight, this is the problem
One hundred pounds, congratulations. It was incredible
Oh yeah. Give him a hand.
The strange thing is, I lost about 30 pounds for years,
and when you start losing weight,
five or six or the first ten pounds, People like, "Wow, you look great."
But after you lose, like, 15 pounds, people don't know how to respond
Twenty kilograms, they are like, "Uh...
Have you ever dieted, or did Charlie Sheen bleed in your mouth?"
Can you joke around with Charlie?
Was anyone surprised when he announced it he was HIV-positive no.
I like Charlie Sheen,
But that's how you know You've lived a beautiful AIDS life...
If you are famous, and you are like, "I am HIV-positive,"
and the whole country is like, "Okay, I hope so."
For Pete's sake.
I have to be honest Charlie's HIV diagnosis really scared me.
It really shook me because...
I don't know Charlie. We have never met, never hang out.
But that just rocked me,
and I started thinking about my sexual behavior
Even though we've never met, Charlie and I have sex
with, I think, the same four people.
And there is only one I can mention in public
because he and I have discussed it openly,
and I don't want to go out.
But for years on the radio, we will interview Bree Olson.
Bree will enter If you don't know Bree,
She's a pretty blonde porn star.
She's fun. She is really sexy, and whenever she is on our show,
he always flirts with me He will always be like, "I like you. You are very cute."
And I'm always like, "Yes yes."
Because I think he only did it for radio
He might think, "This person blew me,"
But in the meantime, I have no pride. I'm just like, "Oh, come on."
He thinks I'm too cold for that room. Meanwhile, I feel like an Elephant Man
When he wears a tuxedo in front of a tall British community.
[slurring] "Everyone is very nice!"
But one day, the publicist said to me, "No, Bree actually likes you.
He's not joking."
And whatever cool and detached attitude I have built up yawning.
I was at the Bree hotel in less than an hour. Like, really...
"Hi!"
It's close to damn, You know... peephole.
Do you think my face is unpleasant now? Look through the hole.
It's just fucking...
half a month is stupid
And we messed up. And I have to be honest.
This is one of the most annoying sexual experiences I've ever experienced.
That's beautiful.
And I don't think that he enjoyed it as much as...
Because he will never do it again.
I tried years to make it happen again. I will text him, "What are you doing?"
He will reply, "Anything but sleeping with you?"
That's just...
I think I blew it. Allow me to ask you,
Is this a turn-off to say "I love you" too fast?
Alright, let me ask the woman. Is that a turn-off
if you first made love to a guy, when he put it in,
she muttered, "I love you, I love you, I love you,"
and crying on your face? Is that a turn-off?
And I'm talking to a friend of mine. He is like, "Do you use a condom?"
I like, "What funny question? No, stupid I'm not
When you enter Lamborghini, You don't wear a body bag, do you?"
I will not use a condom if I look inside her vagina
and see Magic Johnson waving at me.
So, if so, you are fast moving forward. We have sex. He went to LA.
He dated Charlie Sheen at one point.
Then suddenly, Charlie comes out and announces that he is HIV-positive.
So, I just retreated a little.
I was like, "Oh, no, did I get all the balls rolling?
Oh, no, I gave AIDS for men from the Platoon. But fortunately, Bree Olson has been tested several times.
He doesn't have HIV. He is really negative,
which means I'm HIV-negative.
Yes, that's how I did the AIDS test.
I'm too panicked to go to the doctor,
so I just made love to girls and then saw it in a year,
and you know...
"Hi how are you?"
"I'm great." "Make us both."
He has the power to smile.
That's six months without rubber for that child
And it's difficult for me to meet people, to be really honest with you,
because I have talked about myself so much public.
People know so much about me, and nothing is secret.
Anyone who knows me knows I like transgender girls That's not new information.
And if yes, well, now you have it.
But it's very funny. The whole country, like, trans-crazy,
and we are really obsessed with it,
and it's very funny how when new things happen
or be in the lexicon,
You can't joke about it on TV.
I tried to do a Caitlyn Jenner joke,
and the network says, "Oh, there's no transition joke."
I like, "This isn't even a meaningful joke."
They are like, "Yeah, but we don't like it.
They're already marginalized."
I'm like, "Look, just because you've been marginalized
doesn't mean you were deleted from the humor spectrum
like everyone else."
That's not even a meaningful joke. First, the network cancels the reality show.
How bad your reality show is When you are in the Wheaties box, You are now a woman,
You are a Kardashian, You killed someone driving,
and the network is running, "This is boring. Nothing has happened to talk about?"
And I think Hollywood means good. Their hearts are in the right place.
But it's a little fake. Some of them are just a little fake.
Do you know how they can't talk about Caitlyn without saying how beautiful she is?
"Have you ever seen how beautiful Caitlyn is?"
No.
He looks like a gypsy from Thinner.
But it's very funny.
Not one of these thoughts, progressive celebrities who always uses the right pronoun,
None of them claimed to have sex with a transgender girl,
to watch trans porn, to be attracted to trans women.
Not one of them. That supports.
Don't tell me what words to use. Do you want to support a young woman?
Don't tell me what to joke about until You've been lying in bed with a sick bastard.
mumbles, "who am I?"
You've brushed your teeth
and shout "gay" in the mirror for half an hour?
I have.
And I know why they don't talk about it. I know why they don't want to admit it.
Because they don't know if it makes you gay
"If I have sex with a trans girl, what does it make..."
That doesn't make you gay has sex with trans girls But even so, I will tell you. I do not care
But I understand why some people think that.
We cannot be pro-trans or politically correct that we forget different opinions will appear.
Open and honest conversation doesn't mean
that you only turn off someone when they say unpleasant nonsense
I understand why some people consider it gay. But not. Until you have done it...
Like, when you kiss, This is feminine energy.
This is not masculine energy, or it will not change me.
Breasts are usually fake, but what do you do?
Every stripper I've ever loved has fake breasts
It never leaves me. I never threw a girl out of the Champagne Room.
"Beat with enlarged chest, Mistress!"
You know, then the skirt appears.
Alright.
This is a big clitoris.
But what, will I be rude to my guest? Come here.
[snoring]
[sounds popping]
Just look at breasts, that's all.
If you are new to the game, see breasts.
"Oh, I love him so much, I love him."
If this is your first time on a rodeo, don't look at your feet
That will put the whammy on you.
"Oh, no, the foot scored 13 points in the fourth quarter.
I'm gay."
[snoring]
And it's funny too... I've talked to many trans girls about...
A girl told me that, is only to feel feminine like a child,
He used to wear his mother's underwear.
Wow.
That affected me. I mean, your mom's panties.
I don't care about your gender. Are there worse things at home...
rather than your mother's underwear?
I will not touch my mother's panties if he hangs a bridge with his underwear
Maybe I'll blow a kiss and then step on the bad finger.
Have you ever seen your mother's underwear? on the floor?
You have to take a stick and tap them under the dressing table.
Can you imagine putting them on?
I prefer to use my father's former condom on my nose like aardvark.
I saw a pair of my mom's underwear when I was little Thank God they are not sexy at all.
I feel bad for any kids who have hot mothers
which all of his friends want to make love.
We all have one friend, Everyone wants to make love with his mother.
And it must be terrible to find your mother's underwear,
and it's just a pair of boy shorts with a small arrow in the back.
Like, "Ugh. Oh no. Mom has three signs."
My mom's underwear is terrible.
They start in the middle of the chest.
They end right above the knee.
It looks like an androgynous swimsuit in the Empire Boardwalk.
That's what you want your mother...
If you see your mother in her underwear, You want to start thinking,
"♪ Hello, gal I ragtime ♪"
You don't want to think about your parents sexually at all You know your parents make love because we all live,
so we prove it.
But my parents told me, Like, when I asked about it,
they said, "We only make love because we want to create you
and we want to make your sister Tracy. That's the only reason."
So, they make it look like it's pure something they suffer
to make me
That's how all of you see to your parents You don't even want to think about your mother
Types of drunkenness in bed go away, "Come fast!"
And your father left, "You're not even wet!"
And he left, "That's my jerk, stupid!"
And he is not hard. He has a brush dick.
You don't want to think of your father with a brush dick.
It seems like the snail tried to enter the aquarium.
You don't want to imagine your mother going, "wait a minute
Speed up."
I'll give you everything to put your parents in that mind,
Like I have to do every time I tell that stupid joke.
But it's very funny how we don't think of them like that.
And I grew up in a fairly conservative environment...
I don't know how I turned to monsters like that
growing in a conservative house
Does anyone have an type of open minded parent
who will talk to you about sex? Does anyone have an old man like that?
- [man] yes - Who said "yes"?
You nod. How old are you when your parents talk to you about sex?
- thirteen - thirteen?
- They broke it hard. - They broke it hard?
How do they break it for you?
They just straight up told me, "This is what happened, that's it."
They immediately said, "This how did this happen, and that's it?
And when you were 13 years old, you didn't know...
Oh, no, what else did they say?
" And we are people who put their presents under the tree. "
Have you ever caught them having sex? Who has ever caught your parents?
[woman] Oh, I did.
- There are always partners. - I did it.
- Who is the woman who says, "I do"? - I did it.
Hello Miss.
- They talked about it with me... - Wait a minute.
You panic I feel like...
He has waited 30 years for someone to ask him,
"Have they ever talked to you about that?"
Hold.
How old are you when you see them?
[woman] I tried to block it.
Have you tried to block it... I only asked in general. About how old is
[woman] I don't know I think, roughly, about ten or more.
About ten. What did you do at that time?
- Are you home? - Yes, I have a bad dream.
- I entered their room - You have a nightmare.
Oh, Christ. Then you walk into a nightmare That's good.
That's the last thing you need after a nightmare
"Oh, I dreamed there was a ghost under my bed
Oh, that's great."
Now, you enter
- Are they in the bedroom? - Yeah.
- Do they know that you saw them? - Yeah.
Yes they did it. Did they talk to you about it after?
It's clear. No, my father asked me if I want hot chocolate
Ask your father If you want hot chocolate.
Oh no. They are suffering from anus. Oh no.
Now that's what you need after you catch your damn parents.
"Aah!" [sound pops up]
"Let's buy cocoa."
Now, okay, so you have hot chocolate,
and they told me about what happened and what was that?
No. Like, my parents... I know what happened when I entered.
You know what it is when you enter Some people just don't talk about it.
It's just that there is no eye contact on the breakfast table until the age of 18 years.
Like, "Do you want milk for your Cheerios?"
"No, I'll just cut it with a fork and knife."
I know you don't want to think about it I understand.
What position...
do they enter
Depends, will this be displayed? Will they know?
Will it be aired? Not!
No!
No.
Why do we air on Netflix specifically?
Wow. Someone is not very observant.
What do you think that is?
Do you think it's LeBron James's arm? Take a selfie?
Yes, so, we don't know who you are, we don't know who your parents are What position?
- Oh, you're really waiting... - I'm really waiting Of course.
Please. Do you think that just jumps for no reason?
It doesn't drip onto my feet for nothing, lover.
- I don't know It's normal, normal. - Regular. Missionary Okay, cool.
Are Mom's legs wrapping Dad?
Like, is he trying to maintain the seed?
Or legs wide open Because Dad is drilling the vagina...
So hard is the legs only open?
Thank you very much for sharing it with us.
Funny, people's reactions When they catch their parents.
I never caught my parents, thank God,
but you know when they're doing something
I will always know my parents are doing something
Because it will be in the middle in the afternoon
and the bedroom door will be closed,
and then you will only hear, like...
[shrink]
And then the story...
[whirring]
from Polaroid.
[squeaks, whirs]
And you know they're almost done because it's starting to get faster.
And then you will hear, "My eyes are burning!"
[whirring]
Then your mother and three of your father's co-workers will come out of the bedroom
But some people... Like, we talked, some parents...
Some parents are only open minded, and they are more liberal about that.
My friend Scott knows where his mother's dildo collection is.
And we do not handle that information responsibly As a ten year old child, Once his parents leave home,
we will take a dildo, start fighting with them.
We will try to chase him and push them into his mouth.
I put it in my mouth. I have to pretend I don't like it.
"Just cut it, friend!"
[moans]
We used to throw them at the cat...
which I won't do now, But in 1979, it was the Xbox.
That's all we have.
And I hope I have an iPhone right away. What great videos will happen,
only cats under the sofa with their ears back,
hiss on the stack of dildos.
[hiss]
And her mother must be wondering why are all her dilemmas
have scratches and hair dye on them.
He might catch the cat and hit his face.
"What did you do with my dildo?"
I don't know if my mother has dildo to this day.
I am in my 40s. I have no idea.
When my parents died, I won't pass their bullshit.
I'll just take the dressing table and kick it to the front page.
Let homeless people take whatever they want Maybe I'll look out the window and see a homeless person running away with what is hopefully a small white dildo.
That's all you can expect.
You definitely don't want to see it from over-the-shoulder work.
Bouncing on the front and back.
With two heads on it. "Oh, ma'am."
Or "Oh, Mom and Dad.
Oh no. Mom and Dad are ordering books. "
Yes, they are ordinary people.
And I turned into a bag of dirt and dirty people,
and I just... I don't know. I always antisocial. You've seen it again and realize,
"Wow, I'm antisocial human."
When I was 13 years old, I used to drink with my friends.
I stopped when I was very young, But for a number of years I did it,
I was a weirdo. like, weird.
We used to get drunk at my friend's house,
and I will not do pleasant drunken things.
I used to get drunk and went straight to the family bathroom and pee all over the sink handle
and as in toothbrushes and on soap dishes.
And this is the psychotic part.
I won't even tell my other friends I've done it
If you are young, no matter what you do to make your friends laugh it's okay.
But I did not tell my friends. I just sit there,
just grinning like an unlucky serial killer,
just thinking of his family _ washing my face with my pee soap
Like, what is fucking creep.
And I've talked about this before broadcast.
That cat... I will always take the cat, and I will open his father's newspaper
and spoon all cat litter out from the litter box
and put it in the newspaper and then carefully roll it back
and put it on the coffee table.
And to this day, I still think I'm kind of a genius for doing that.
But I have never seen the results.
Like, if I have a time machine and I can only use it once,
I will not save Jesus. I will not stop World War II.
I'm going back to North Brunswick, New Jersey, in 1979
only to see the man open the newspaper
and look at his face as animal droppings fall on his lap.
Do you know how many times the cat Maybe beaten with shoes?
And the cat can't be articulated. "Really, you think I took my own nonsense
and put it in the newspaper and rolled it carefully
like I'm fucking hosting a prank cat event, are you stupid?"
Have you ever had memories coming flooding back? It happens sometimes too.
I blocked a lot of nonsense when I was young.
And this one isn't even traumatic. That's just weird.
I am with my friend, and we steal Star Wars characters.
They are original Star Wars characters
Remember them They are four inches tall,
and some of them are worth thousands of dollars today
because they are very rare.
So, that is one of my best friends. He is a very nice guy.
He has a big penis. And we are in a department...
I say that for a reason. I don't just throw...
That would be great if I didn't return there for any reason
"Did he explain about his friend?"
"No, he just threw it there and smiled."
He's just that guy which we all know has a big penis.
So, we wear shorts and tank tops, so we can't put our things down.
So, we took the action figure out from the package
and type walk to the front of the store and hide them,
and at the end of the day, we will make a lot
and just run out the door.
So, security sees us at one point, takes us down
And he said, "What are you doing?!"
We are like, "We did nothing."
And then he saw that bulge in my friend's pants,
and he goes, "What did you get there?"
Again, I know my friend has a big penis, so it doesn't surprise me
what the security guard thinks some Chewbaccas and a Vader.
I got it.
He saw my shorts and knew there were no numbers stolen.
Maybe a Yoda.
So, my friends like it, "I have nothing."
And the security guard left, "Let me see."
So, my friend pulled his shorts aside,
and this gift from Ayam Gulung came out.
Have you ever seen a chicken roll?
It feels like watching Time-flower photography of flowers.
It feels like watching cinnamon bread the opposite, about how it's made
It's actually made, like, a little noisy.
I tried to remember the sound he made When I hit a chair,
Because it is a plastic chair.
Have you ever heard of a ham falling on a linoleum?
And this is a real moment in my childhood.
What we all look like is in my friend's stupid dick.
And then the security guard looks at me, and he goes, "Wait outside."
Send me out. So, I'm outside the 15 minute security office
He comes out, puts his head outside the door, doesn't even open it all the way.
He said, "Okay, . I have decided not to call your mother.
Now leave here and don't come back.
I have to talk to your friend for a while." And he closed the door.
I walked out of the side door. I deleted it from my memory.
Something's spark this year, and all day comes flood again,
and I'm like, "Oh, no, Oh, you're an idiot.
You never got the rest from that Star Wars character."
Thousands of valuable dollars merchandise
And I will never be caught Because the security guard was busy choking on my friend's giant dick
So, that's the type of item I'm talking about, and I wonder why I can't find a girl.
I don't mind my boyfriend at the moment.
I have been single for five years,
and at this time, I don't even know where to go to meet women I really don't. I don't know what women want.
We all think we know. You know, dress in a certain way.
Obviously, I'm not a good wardrobe.
Do you like my shoes?
[applause and applause]
Yes! Yes.
I mean, someone told me Yeezys is fake.
I don't think they're fake, Because if that's the case,
someone owes me 20 dollars
I don't even like what women want. What are women...
I will ask you as a woman, what are you looking for in a guy
- [woman] Humor. - Humor Good.
I will discuss this myth.
I think women think they should be to say "humor."
"I like funny guys." No, no.
Because if you ask me, "What kind of woman do you like?"
I will be like, "Smart."
It's nice, but it's not number one in the list.
Trust me, if you have enough nipple fat,
I don't care if you eat cat chips for breakfast...
and fucking bang your head to the screen door
like Rain Man when toast is on fire.
But a sense of humor... Like, I'm a funny person.
Being a funny person never, ever helped me lay.
This is the only time That being funny has helped me lay down:
If only one other woman is chosen is a man who looks like me
who's not funny
Then it will make you nod. Like, "Alright."
Never enthusiastic. Like, "Oh, my God, you really..."
[snoring]
That is always a default. It can never overcome a good appearance.
No one has ever seen me and gone, "Ah, I don't know.
The man is six feet three. He has a big body. He is a triathlete.
But that little friend...
The anecdote will make me stitch all night
Come on, big boy. Slam your face into my pussy
and do some jokes. "
And I'm a good person to date Because I'm a dirty person.
I think women like guys like me.
Like, I like giving oral sex for women more than I like anything.
And I like... I mean, right away. I went straight there.
And I like things to women that you don't even like yourself.
Every special, I'm talking about liking a bigger vagina.
I like vagina for traditional.
A chicken No, I'm kidding.
I like the type of vagina that a woman is self-conscious.
You remember in high school, if it's already to keep your crotch in the locker
Because all the other girls are cruel and they will walk with...
"Hey, this is Big Pussy McGillicuddy" or whatever they say
And I have learned a lot about what is sexy and what is not sexy Don't talk when you get down to women There is nothing sexy that you will say when you give her head If a girl drops you off and she like, "I like to suck your cock,"
It's a bit sexy to hear.
But there's nothing you will say when you fall in love with a woman
That will make him happier than what you did
I have a girl telling me that one time his girlfriend is eating her pussy,
and he stopped, and he looked up and he left, "Mmm, you feel good."
This is actually sexier When you're eating pussy
if you look up and leave, "ISIS beheading people."
One thing I hate: I hate using my fingers. That's the only thing I don't like,
When girls like it, "Put your finger inside me."
Because I have small hands,
and every time I put my finger in, I never get to the place...
I can barely touch the bottom of the G-spot
And they are always like, "A little deeper."
"But the webbing."
[moans]
I have to take my left arm and push it right.
[moans]
And one of my closest friends Patrice O'Neal.
You know Patrice.
[applause and applause]
And it's funny. Patrice will bother me,
Because he will always boast about how great he is when trapping fingers.
But Patrice will always boast about finger-popping,
and I watched her once in Brazil For girls to spray their fingers.
Because Patrice has a finger like a ballerina's foot
I am in bed with my daughter. He is one with it.
And he is like, whap, whap, whap,
and he will spray.
[squirting sound]
And then my girl squirts, But from his eyes,
see the others...
And I do the best I can, but I can't...
My fingers are like two legs of polio in the pool.
The girl finally feels annoyed and just pushes my hand out.
"Alright, Peter Dinklage finger. Fucking..."
I really don't know where is to meet women.
After that, I don't expect to meet many of you.
I use social media applications. I use Tinder. Anything else that uses Tinder?
[woman] Whoo!
The woman who said "whoo," How long did it take you to meet someone?
- just shouting out number - I'm married.
You are married. Oh good.
So, your parents' missionaries are messed up, you're married.
Large. I ruined a lot of night life.
Now, is this before your husband, or how do you meet him?
[nervous] After.
[crowd] Whoa!
After. Hmm.
I really love that.
"Who are you talking to?" "This is a friend, see? Ahh."
I'm on Tinder. And I'm sure most of you know what that is.
You uploaded a photo, You swiped "like" or "no,"
and if you have a match, You can talk to that person.
And before you do that, you have to set the parameter you want to search for,
distance.
I live in New York, in Midtown, so I arranged to find a three-mile radius.
And you have to set an age range.
I am in my 40s, so I arranged it for 18 years.
That is as far as the left because it will go. Heh heh heh.
I really called Tinder to complain.
"There's something wrong with your application, Fuck. It keeps jamming at 18.
Oh, legal stuff. No, I just got... Norton, huh."
This is very addictive. We always say, "Oh, no one is single,"
but you are aware of when you get an application like that,
There are so many beautiful single women.
I've been rubbing for hours. Like, like, like.
I don't swipe "no" on anything... I don't care what you look like.
A little, tiny Zika virus. Damn it Like.
The gun slides into the face
Damn it I will play with the nipples until the ambulance gets there. As.
I heard someone groaning at that. It's okay to laugh.
This is not a real scenario.
Do you think that really happened?
A woman was shot in the face with a gun
and have the means to take selfies?
And then I happened to leave, "Hey, how are you?"
"Bleeding to death in the hallway."
"Well, what if I tweak the nips until the help arrives?"
But I lasted for three days, swiping working hours,
did not get a response,
and that is the bowel punch for your self-esteem
I'm like, "I'm not bullshit."
But then I'm like, "No, maybe I too don't give many choices."
I only set it for three square miles.
Midtown New York... What is it, 1.8 million people?
So, I kind of opened my search option. Maximum age, maximum distance.
I set it pretty much, If you have a vagina in North America,
or hope someday...
Finally I got a Tinder match,
and I will really read the interaction with you I'm talking to this girl. It really went well.
Talk to him for five days, back and forth, every day
"Hey, good morning, how are you?"
On the fifth day, I finally said to him, "I am very happy to talk to you.
I want to talk on the phone. Can I have your number?"
None. No response. really freaks me out.
So, four days later, I wrote back, "I don't think it's LOL."
You know.
Laughing out loud, just to keep it kind and pleasant.
He responds,
"To be honest, I googled you.
I don't know what your life is like,
but when you are Jim Norton, That's the last thing you want to read.
" I googled you. "
"Cosby Hitler" has better Google results than "Jim Norton."
"I googled you and was watching video of you talking
about sending photos of your penis for a girl
I don't know if it's a good idea to give my number
Very sorry. Just trying to be honest. "
[moans]
I feel bad. I don't know what to write.
I just replied," Cunt.
LOL. "
Thank you very much You are amazing
I appreciate you being here.
[applause and applause]
Thank you very much for coming out.
[playing music]
♪ The world today Is that evil place ♪
♪ The fight continues Between the human race... ♪
What should I do? Left hand now, like this?
Yes, really gave it to me.
Good. Say with confidence, you are a bad slug
And then I started...
Then I slap you again. I am doing fine.
- Okay, so, the left. - Yeah.
And then slap. Then, "Say it with confidence, you are a bad slug,"
- and then again. - Yeah.
Ay-ay-ay. Well.
Okay, do it...
♪... they say it's very high ♪