The Road To Reality.
Don't wanna be going there.
Hiya.
An oasis of calm in here, mad out there.
Gorgeous day for it, though, innit?
Never been in here before.
I like your hat.
Busy?
Hello?
Having a bad day?
No.
Oh. Not till I showed up, eh?
Look like a rabbit caught in the headlights.
I won't bite.
Don't worry, I'm going now.
Have a good day. Stay happy.
I ain't nicked nothing. Honest, guv'nor.
Beep, beep, beep, beep.
Oh, no, no, come on.
That's just brilliant, that is.
Oh, no, I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye.
# You'll never get it right cos when you're laid in bed at night
# Watching... roaches climb the wall
# If you called your dad he could stop it all
# You'll never live like common people
# You'll never do what common people do
# You'll never fail like common people
# You'll never watch your life slide out of view
# And dance and drink and screw
# Because there's nothing else to do
The music's stopped.
It stopped ages ago.
Yeah, I was just enjoying the silence.
What?
What's so funny?
I don't know!
Can you just...
Oh, your sister's woken up, Poppy.
Suzy, what's that?
What is it? Is that your latest conquest?
Oh, bless him!
Don't you ever pray that you're adopted, Suzy?
Oh, argh!
Yeah.
You got me, Zoe.
- Ssssh! - Who are you shushing?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
She's right. Let's all enjoy the silence together.
Dawn, will you shut up? Because no-one else can get a word in.
Ssssssh!
Sorry!
- Sssssh. - Fingers on lips.
Fingers on the tits.
- Fingers on tits. - Fingers on the hips.
Can I borrow yours?
- Fingers on the tits. - Oh, that is properly disgusting.
Chicken fillets. Lunch, anyone?
- Oh, hello! - Can I have a go?
Of course you can, Dawn, you don't need to ask.
- Anyone over there? - Oh, I know where that's been.
You have gone down in my estimation.
I'm sorry, Alice.
- I don't get why you wear them, Poppy. - Oh, don't you?
I mean, you just put them in your bra...
Yeah?
I like the way they make me feel, Suzy.
- Like a natural woman. - That's right.
- I think it's in the wrong place. - Ah, whoop!
Oh, look, you've got three tits!
She's like you, Zoe.
- No, that's three nipples. - Oh, right.
Have you got three nipples?
She doesn't like to talk about it. I'm going to give her a little hug.
- Over you go. - Oh, that's quite nice. Do that again.
Oh, really? Oh!
Ooh!
Your cleavage looks great from up here.
- Thank you. - I've got a bird's eye view.
Come on, ladies, cop a load of this.
Oh, yeah, roll up, roll up.
Look at that!
- It's good, isn't it? - They're amazing.
Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.
I think we know where Poppy's sleeping tonight.
Morning.
Time to get up, sleepyhead.
Cup of tea here.
Come on. You can do it.
That's it. That's it, nearly there.
Oh, here we go.
- And she's up! Hey. - Thanks.
You all right?
Yeah, I slept good.
I heard you.
You always start that.
- I don't snore. - I know. You never have.
- I don't. - I don't.
- Are they still asleep? - No, they buggered off ages ago.
- Did they? - Yeah.
Oh, right.
- What's the time? - About 10 past 12.
- They've got a bit of work to do. - Have they?
- Dawn's late with her dissertation. - Oh, no. When are your exams?
- Three weeks tomorrow. - You'll be all right.
Yeah. I'm totally chilled out about it.
Of course you are.
- I'm cool. - Yeah.
I'm just really stressed.
What? Like an Eskimo with a headache?
- Does anyone want any toast? - Yeah.
- Yes, please. - With marmalade, two slices.
Yeah, I know, cut on the diagonal.
- Yeah. - No crusts.
- Got it. Oh, do you know what? - What?
- Oh, yeah. - She's gone.
The thing is, we're starting with criminal justice.
- Is that your first exam? - Yeah, it's crap.
If we had cyber crime first, or, like, crime and pleasure,
I could ease myself into it.
- No probs. - Oh, you'll be all right, Suzy.
Yeah, if we can get a degree, any idiot can.
- You calling your sister an idiot? - Calling you an idiot.
Thank you.
"Crime and pleasure", now that sounds good.
- Sounds like last night. - Yeah.
You'll be all right.
Yeah.
- See you later. - Alligator.
- When are we going to see Helen? - Yeah, when's the baby due?
Don't know, soon. She's been texting me.
- Me too, she's getting worse. - I know, bless her.
- Want to wait till after your exams? - I want to get it over with.
All right. Don't worry, leave her to me.
- Text me, yeah? - Work hard.
Suze... you know it's that way, don't you?
Oh, yeah.
- These make good legs? - Great.
# I'm so excited...
- It would be amazing to fly, wouldn't it? - You reckon?
Just... whoosh!
- What? Like Mr Vertigo? - Oh, yeah. I love that book.
- Yeah. - Oh, vultures.
- Met a few of them. - These could be useful.
Oh, yeah, they're great. Oh, look at him, he's gorgeous.
We could do an owl, they've got big heads.
Good idea. He's got your eyes, look.
- Cheers, Poppy. - No, they're lovely.
Do penguins emigrate?
What? Do they move to the Costa del Sol?
Emigrate, migrate, whatever.
- What about parrots? - Oh, yeah, definitely.
- Or a toucan. Oh, look at his beak. - They're good colours.
Beautiful.
So, are you going to get another bike?
Oh, no, I couldn't replace my old lovely. It's flown the nest now.
Definitely going to learn to drive, though.
- Going to book lessons? - Might do.
Might not.
I told you, you're not learning to drive in my car.
Nutter.
- Chickens, we could do chickens. - Chickens don't fly.
Lazy buggers. What are we going to make, then?
- I don't know. What do you think? - I don't know.
- Where are they? - Here.
- That far apart, are they? - Yeah. Don't poke me.
Wasn't going near you.
- Go on, then. - Great.
You should ask an adult to help you.
I don't know any.
- I think they're quite good. - Yeah, what do you reckon?
- I think we could pull in these. - Definitely.
- Pub? - Yeah, hair of the dog.
I'm ready. Put a bit of lippy on and away we go.
- Hi, Liz. - Hi, Zoe. How are you?
Ooh.
Didn't expect that one!
Morning, Tina.
Birds that live here in North America, they fly all the way to South America.
Yeah?
That's a journey and a half, isn't it?
But the... the biggest journey of them all is of the arctic tern.
Because he flies from the Arctic...
Yeah?... all the way - wow, across the world - to the South Pole.
Isn't that incredible?
From the North to the South Pole and that is... ssh!
And that is 9,300 miles. That's right.
Wow, wow.
All right, Nick, do the other side now.
Here we go, look. No, don't pull it out.
What we can do... Shall we give him... Shall we give him a few bits?
Do you want to give him... I like that, I like that.
- Shall we give him one here? - No.
No?
He's got eyebrows, look.
- Yeah? - Let me see.
I think that's brilliant. That's brilliant.
Here we go.
Shall I put some more yellow in that? There we go.
What colours do you think your feathers could be?
See, you could do a rainbow colour. That's a good idea, isn't it?
- I did a rainbow. - Do a rainbow. Rainbows like parrots.
Don't put that on yet.
Let's have a look.
Little bit more. What about the fringing?
You could do a bit more on the fringing there, couldn't you?
Hungry? It's going to be lunch time soon.
But I'm not a cook. It's lunch time in a minute.
We're going to lunch in a minute.
You can wash your hands.
Who's ready?
Hey!
Oh, wow! That is fantastic. Look at you go!
Whooh! Flap your arms. Flap your wings.
Bit dangerous, innit?
What?
Putting these over their heads.
I'm trying to suffocate them. That's my goal. Little buggers.
- They look great. - How was your weekend?
- Crap. - Oh, no, why's that, then?
I didn't do much, just stayed in, really.
It's the weekend, Tash.
- I know. I had a run-in with my mum. - Did ya?
Mm. My sister was working Saturday. I had to look after Jasmine.
- How is she? - That girl eats too much.
Bless her.
She ate three chicken legs and four jam tarts and then wants to tell me she's starving.
The little piglet.
- I dropped her off to my mum's. - Yeah?
I said you've got to tell Sherryanne that she needs to put this girl on a diet.
You'll give her a complex, she's 7.
All of a sudden Mum doesn't want to get involved, for the first time in her life.
Then I'm just leaving the house and my two aunts arrive from Dollis Hill.
Oh, no.
So we get the Spanish Inquisition. "Tash, you got a boyfriend?
Are you getting married soon? Why don't you give your mother another grandchild?
You know she nearly 60. She getting old. "
Aargh!
I was, like, "I haven't got a boyfriend. I won't be getting married soon,
and, no, I won't be investing in a mortgage in the near future,
thank you very much. "
- Then I just closed the door and left. - End of.
- You cooking? - Yeah, are you cooking?
I'm cooking with gas. What we having?
- Food. - That makes a change.
- Are you hungry? - I'm ravishing.
- Aren't you just. - Thank you.
How did it go today?
What, with my flying flock of feathered friends?
Good, they loved it. Flapping away they were.
- Were they? - Yeah, bless them.
I had to nip it in the bud with my lot before they flew out the window.
It was OK, though, was it?
Oh, yeah, I played them Stravinsky after lunch just to calm them down.
- What did you play? - The Rite Of Spring.
I booked my first driving lesson.
- Did you? - Yeah.
- When is it? - 12 o'clock, Saturday.
Excellent, well done you.
- I'll set the table. - Yeah, it's nearly ready.
Yeah, I know.
I love the end of the week. - You don't say.
- I do, actually. - Do you?
- Yeah. - Oh.
You know I take this dance class on a Friday afternoon, the golden time.
I swear to God, half the kids are bigger than me.
- That's not hard, though, is it, eh, titch? - No, I don't mean taller, I mean wider.
You want to be careful, you know?
You don't want the kids jumping about expressing themselves. A bit dangerous.
Yeah, you do all that on Friday,
but then they spend the weekend indoors, glued to their Nintendo DS.
Totally. A couple of weeks ago I came in Monday -
I told Poppy - sat the kids down for carpet time,
asked them what they did over the weekend.
Gorgeous weather. Not one of them had been out.
They'd all been sitting at home on their PlayStations.
- You couldn't get them up off the carpet. - When they got up, they were wheezing.
- That's pollution for you. - We always used to go to the park.
- A lot of them don't have parks to go to. - Yeah, exactly.
But you don't need a park to go for a walk.
If Mum and Dad don't go out, the kids don't.
Parents are too frightened to let their kids play out.
Even a bit of green by the estate, they don't let them play there.
But it's hard for a lot of mums and dads, isn't it?
They've had a hell of a week. They're under pressure and stress.
- Tell me about it. - They get back from work, if they work...
You know. A lot of them are single mums, they're exhausted.
It's understandable if they don't take their kids out for a lovely picnic.
It's not acceptable. Life's hard, but if you want to find a way you find it, innit?
- Some parents can't be bothered. - Yeah, I know.
So instead they let their kids stay up half the night on chat rooms.
- Yeah! - Yeah, that's worrying.
- Scary. - Makes me so angry.
A lot of seven-year-olds know more about the internet than we do.
At least people are talking about it. That's good.
- Is it? - Well, yeah. It means we're aware.
I'm aware smoking's bad for me. It doesn't mean I'll stop.
- As long as you know what will kill you. - Thanks.
Any time.
I know drinking's bad for me, but, you know... I can't help myself.
- Oh, shame. - Cheers!
Cheers, everyone! Here's to our livers and all who drown in them.
Careful, Poppy, you got your first driving lesson tomorrow.
Oh, yeah, quick, put that down.
You don't want to mess up your blind spot.
- Oh, that sounds good. - Oh, it's here. How many fingers?
- That must be for you. - I'm so excited!
You should do some deep breathing before you get in the car.
Ooh, can't see him. Wish me luck.
Good luck. I'll keep the emergency services on standby.
Any excuse, eh? I know what you're like with firemen.
Hello. Scott?
- Are you Poppy? - That's me. Nice to you meet you.
Right, the car's just here.
They're not infected! What are you like?
They're clean, I just washed them specially, honest.
- This it? - You get in the passenger seat.
- You know it's me learning to drive? - We have to talk a few things through.
Oh, have we? Fair enough. If you insist.
- Did you choose this colour car? - Make yourself comfortable.
- Thank you. Is this your car? - No, it's the company's car.
- Oh, right, what's your car like, then? - It is my car.
You said it was the company's car. Make your mind up.
- Have you got your provisional licence? - Yep!
There you go. That's me on a bad day.
- Is that your real name, Pauline? - Right.
- OK, everything seems to be in order. - Does it? That's good.
Now, have you ever had a driving lesson before?
Yeah. No, it wasn't really a lesson. It was in a Cadillac in Miami.
Bunny-hopped down the beach. I was a bit pissed, it was hilarious.
We won't be pissed when driving this car, OK?
We're not going to bunny-hop. We'll focus and concentrate.
I'm going to take you to a spot we take all learner drivers.
- Are you? - We'll go through the cockpit drill.
- Oh, naughty. - You'll listen and take responsibility.
I'll see what I can do.
- OK. Put your seat belt on. - Will do, Captain Scott.
Here we go, gigolo.
- So you spoke to the office? - I spoke to your boss.
He's not my boss, I work for myself. I'm my own man.
But it's his car... or it's your car... Someone.
And they told you the price - �22.50 an hour?
That's right. Cheap as chips, you lot.
- We may be cheap but we're better. - Are you?
You go with the big companies, they use inexperienced instructors.
They don't?
They've just passed their test and charge more.
Bastards.
Us experienced instructors, we go with small companies and charge less.
- That makes a lot of sense, that does. - Cheapness is relative.
Yeah, it is. You're right. Bang-on!
So, do you want the same time every week?
Go on, then.
- Do you or don't you? I need to know. - Well, if you need to know.
If it's good for you, it's good for me, Scott.
OK, 12 o'clock every Saturday.
- Do you like working Saturdays? - I only work half day, Saturday.
- Oh, that's good. - You're my last pupil.
What do you do for the rest of the day? Are you going out tonight?
I shall go home and read my book.
Oh, it must be a good book. What is it?
It's a book.
Yeah, well, we worked that much out.
- You see three pedals in front of you. - Yeah, yeah.
Will you put your left foot on the left-hand pedal and push it all the way down?
He's a bit frisky, isn't he?
OK, Pauline. Please take your boot off the pedal.
Nobody's called me Pauline since I was two years old. Makes me laugh.
What am I supposed to call you?
- Oh, how about Poppy? - Poppy?
- Yeah. - Oh, yeah.
No, whatever turns you on, Scott. I don't mind.
OK, Poppy. Your boots are inappropriate for a driving lesson.
- What's wrong with them? - You can't control a car in high heels.
I can do a lot in these. You should see me in these on a dance floor.
- They may be good on a dance floor. - Not just good on a dance floor.
They are "Oooh".
They may be good in a Cadillac on a beach
when you're pissed with your boyfriend, but they're not suitable for driving.
You're funny.
Now, next week I want you to bring flat-soled shoes.
- I don't look any good in them. - It's not how you look, it's how you drive.
I'll see what I can rustle up for you, Scott. Leave it to me.
Right, you see three mirrors -
your two side-view mirrors and your rear-view mirror.
- They make a golden triangle. - Is that like the pubic triangle?
It's a pyramid and at the top of it you see the all-seeing eye - Enrahah.
Can you repeat that, please? "En-ra-hah".
- You talking about the eye of Lucifer? - No!
Cos I don't know if I want to look in there, thank you.
It's not Lucifer. There are two fallen angels before Lucifer.
- There is Enrahah, Raziel and Lucifer. - I don't have them in my phone book.
- Bear with me. - Where is he?
- Bear with me. - I can't see him.
- It's a teaching tool. - Is it?
Let me explain something to you about teaching.
The teacher's job is to bring out good habits in the pupil and to get rid of bad habits.
He does that through frequent repetitive thinking.
And he does that by creating clear and distinct images
that are easy for the pupil to retain.
- Oh, does he, now? - Yes.
Don't worry, it's burnt in there.
You remember. You will remember Enrahah till the day you die
and I will have done my job.
Why don't you have something nice up there like a giant strawberry?
Believe you me, it works.
- OK, stop! - What am I doing now?
Please take your hand off the gear. Off the gear stick!
- All right. - Foot off the pedal.
- I'm not touching anything. - Let me explain to you something.
This car is my livelihood. This car is how I earn my living.
- I don't know how you earn your living. - Yeah.
But if I walked into your pub or your discotheque or your club
and I walked up to the DJ and I scratched all his records,
or I smashed all the glasses,
and I said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know what I was doing," that wouldn't be acceptable.
There is only one problem with that.
I don't own a bar or a disco. I'm just a primary school teacher.
- Are you? - Afraid so, kiddo.
Are you a Satanist, Scott?
- No, in fact I'm exactly the opposite. - Are you the Pope, then?
- That's the same thing. - Is it? Does he know that?
Right, you have three pedals, A, B, C. Accelerator, brake and clutch.
# Talking about... Lovely.
- Good. - Yeah.
What's he like?
- You'd love him. - Would I?
He made me laugh. He was funny.
What? Like funny "Ha ha" or funny peculiar?
- Bit of both, actually. - So, what happened, then?
- He shouted at me. - What? He gave you a telling off?
He's a little bit uptight. Just a little bit.
- Bet you wound him up. - Might set you up with him.
- Is he fit? - Yeah.
No, he's not fit at all. Just your type.
What do I get out of it? - You get a shag whenever you want.
When was the last time that happened?
Who's fault's that, eh? Where are you going? Suzy!
- You all right? - All right?
- What's going on? - Come on.
- You shouting at my little sister? - No.
- Doesn't look like it, does it? - Poppy!
- Where are you going? - Fuck off!
Not coming with us, apparently. Adios.
Suze!
Ooh.
- Morning, Poppy. - All right?
- What's the matter? - Buggered my back, haven't I?
- Looks like it. - Trampolining.
- Trampolining? Really? - Yeah, I go every week.
- What? After school? - I love it.
Great.
You've got to keep the muscles a-pumping.
- Cos I've just started flamenco. - You haven't?
- It's fantastic. - I've always wanted to do it. Bit of that.
- Careful. - I'm all right.
- Come along, if you want. - When is it?
Every Tuesday, 6:30.
- Well, see how you feel. - All right.
- Morning, Leanne. - Morning.
Stink of urine round here.
- I can't smell anything. - Have you peed your pants?
Yeah, sorry.
- You're a naughty girl. - Tell me about it.
Ow!
- You all right? - Yeah.
Come on, we're nearly there.
- Have you lost your sense of smell? - Yeah, smoking dulls your senses.
- And your brain. Here we go. - Go on, then.
Done that.
- All done? - Yeah, thanks.
OK.
Take care.
- OK, who have we got next? - Poppy Cross.
Thanks.
Poppy? No, I'm Zoe. Nice to meet you.
No, I'm Poppy, sorry about her. Don't know who she is.
- My name's Ezra. - Hello, Ezra.
- You want to just follow me upstairs? - Yeah.
- You're big, aren't you? - Good luck!
- Just take your time. - What are you going to do to me?
Ooh!
Makes me laugh.
OK, I'm just going to feel the muscles in your back.
- Right. - And you let me know where the pain is.
I'll send you a text.
Strong fingers.
That tickles.
- Oooh! Bang on the money. - OK.
- Ow... - And this side?
Yeah.
OK. Do you want to reach down to your side as if you're picking something up?
Picking chickens.
No, sorry. I can't do that. Ow! Oooh.
Is it your back?
Sorry?
Cos it can affect everything, can't it?
Like your mood and everything.
- Nice action. - Lie on your back for me, please.
Must get one of these. Come in very handy.
Oooh! Ow.
OK, I'm just going to ask you to roll yourself onto your side, facing me.
You don't ask for much do you, eh?
I'm going to feel the muscles in your spine again.
Ooh.
Oh!
# What-d'you-ma-call-it, ding dang dilly dilly da da, hoo-hoo!
OK.
All right, lie back.
There we go.
There's a joint in your spine that's jammed up.
Oh, no.
- Would you like me to release it? - Is it serious?
- It's not too bad. - What you going to do? Will it hurt?
It may for a few days.
- Go on, then. Go for your life. - Are you sure?
If you're quick.
OK. I'm going to roll you over and you'll feel a short sharp click in your back.
OK? Breathe in. And...
Oh. Wait a minute.
OK. Are you ready?
Yeah.
OK, breathe in...
- OK. - And release.
Oh, hoochy coochy ga-la!
OK. Just relax for me.
Didn't know you were going to do that.
Ooh.
Just relax and breathe normally.
OK, would you like to sit up for me?
Yeah.
Will this be a regular occurrence, chopping and changing?
- Sorry, Scott. Something came up. - I've got a life too, you know.
- I had to make an appointment. - Isn't this an appointment?
I couldn't help it.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Sounds like fun.
Having a bad day, are you?
- I had a bad pupil this morning. - Oh, no, what did he do?
He was late, he refused to pay his money.
He slammed the door and swore at me.
- You shout at him, did you? - I drove off, I'm not teaching him again.
- You show him. - He's rude, he's arrogant,
he's overconfident and he's too street.
You don't like that.
He's been overindulged and encouraged to express himself.
Express himself! Chop his hands off!
Do you know what it means when they do that?
- Go on. - How little do they know.
How little do their mothers know.
And they smell.
It's not easy being you, is it? Eh?
Fancy meeting you here, hey?
You don't have to laugh, I'll let you off.
OK, gently, gently, gently, gently.
- Steady progression. - Sorry.
Take your foot off the brake. There's no need to put your foot on the brake.
- Do you know what's doing that? - What is doing that?
- Your boots. Your boots are doing that. - No, I was taking my time.
- I panicked. - Your boots, they're inappropriate.
OK, on.
Poppy, come on. Let's pick up some speed. OK?
- Don't shout at me, Scott. - Well, don't dilly dally, let's just go. OK.
- I'm just learning. - Next left-hand turn. OK?
- You panic me. - So, mirror, signal, manoeuvre.
- Gets me right there. - Enrahah, Enrahah.
Both hands on the wheel, Enrahah. Enrahah.
I don't like that, gives me the creeps.
OK, Poppy. Indicate. Mirror, signal, manoeuvre.
- Indicate. - Signal, OK.
- How am I doing? - Foot down on the brake. Clutch.
You don't want to stall. OK, find your biting point and peep and creep.
- First gear. Peep and creep. - First gear.
- Peep and creep. - Peeping and a-creeping.
- When you get to the end of the road... - Ooh, he's nice.
When we get to the end of the road... Can you please focus on the driving?
Enrahah, Enrahah.
- Enrahah. OK! - I... That's a bit weird.
Foot on the brake, clutch. You don't want to stall.
Find your bite. Can you feel you're slightly on a hill?
- No. - OK, put the hand brake on.
Find your biting point. OK, lock your door. Lock your door.
- Don't be ridiculous. - Poppy, there's two of them.
- Are you taking the piss? - Lock your door.
- OK, let's go. Let's go, Poppy, let's go. - I don't believe you just said that.
Let's go. On you go. On you go.
- Let's go that way. - Poppy! Poppy, let's go!
- We're on a bend. Now, let's go. - Blimey, O'Reilly.
Right, on you go. Keep to the left of the centre of the road.
Usual time next week? 12 o'clock? You can check it if you like.
See you.
Cheerio.
All right, doggie?
Here's another one. - Yeah.
Circle, completely red.
What? Like a tomato?
For instance. White horizontal line.
Give us a clue, Zoe.
Horizontal, parallel to the horizon.
Thank you, Miss Marsh.
- You're welcome. - So, it's not... up and down like a yoyo.
- No. - Right.
- What is it? - Vertical.
- No, you muppet, the sign. - That'd be "no entry".
- For what? - For black boys on bicycles.
- Don't get me started on that again. - It just popped out of his mouth.
- You can always get another instructor. - Yeah, I know. See how it goes, eh?
- Ask me another. - This is also a red circle.
- Yeah. - Black car - this isn't a racist thing.
- Glad to hear it. - Next to the black car is a red car.
That's Mr Golly overtaking Noddy.
- Enrahah. - Enrahah to you.
- What is it? - No overtaking.
- Enrahah. - Enrahah-ha-ha!
- He sounds like a nutter. - He is a nutter.
- How's your back? - It's all right, actually. He sorted it.
Magic fingers. He was sweet, wasn't he?
He was fit.
Octagonal sign with "stop" written in it.
- Stop! - All right, then.
Who's going to blink first?
- Do you want a cup of tea? - Yes, please.
No, you have the lasagna tonight. We can finish the chicken tomorrow.
Look, I can't talk now. See you later.
- Do you think we'll make it? - Depends on the traffic.
Should be all right. Ooh, that's my back!
Hey, come in, ladies, as quick as you can.
Do want to put your bags, and there's a couple of places.
- Sorry we're late. - Sorry.
No problem, it's very Spanish to be late. Take your places. Then we can start.
Here.
I was just introducing myself to the peoples what don't know me.
It's lovely to see you again and lovely you bring a friend.
Welcome in my class.
So, my name is Rositta Santos and I'm coming from Sevilla in Spain.
Or Seville, what you say here.
What is famous for our bullfighting, our beautiful oranges -
what your English peoples turn into disgusting marmalade.
Are you going to keep those sunglasses on, then?
And also is the birth home of flamenco.
Sorry.
Then everybody is ready... I hope.
So, feet in parallel. Hip distance apart.
Pulling up from the waist. Opening across the chest.
Shoulder blades drawing down to the spine.
Arms relaxed.
And taking the head over to your right.
Feeling that lovely stretch at the neck.
Then to the left.
Not very flamenco, is it?
To the right.
Bringing the head back to the centre.
And relax. Lovely.
So, guys. We're going to reverse the abs now.
Right foot in front.
Lifting up from the elbows like they got strings attached.
Like little Pinocchio.
Lifting, lifting.
Keeping the shoulders down. Arms above the head.
Framing the face. Here I am... proud.
Then bringing the arms down in front. Pressing, pressing, pressing.
Keeping the tension, keeping the strength, but fluid as well.
Then lifting up again from the elbows. Like the eagle spreading his wings.
Beautiful, angry, ferocious.
And, guys, when you're lifting up your eagle wings,
remember that this dance comes from the pain, from the suffering
of los gitanos...
erm... what you say, "the gypsies".
I know this word not politically correct,
but these guys, they been squashed down by society
for centuries, centuries, and they say,
"We don't need this. We got pride.
We got dignity.
We got heart. We got flamenco. "
They say, "This... my space. "
My space.
My space. Everybody... do this. One, two.
My space.
- And again. - My space!
- Vamos! Vamos! - My space!
- And again. - My space!
- Vamos, vamos. - My space!
- With meaning. - My space!
But, guys.
My space!
- One more time. - My space!
- With expression. - My space!
- I don't believe it. - My space!
OK, guys. I'll give you two counts in.
Then we're going to stamp and clap the comp�s, OK?
Uno, dos.
Guys, guys, guys. What are you doing?
Where is the passion? Where is the revenge? Where is the blood?
This is flamenco.
That clapping, so polite. It's like the end of the opera.
"Excuse me, how many sugar you want in your tea?"
This woman been spending every Wednesday afternoon for a year
with your husband, in a hotel in Paddington.
This guy been having an affair for five years with your best friend.
Your boyfriend, what you gave your love, your spirit, for five years
betrays you with a Swedish bitch, what is 22 years old.
You want to kill him. You want to cut off his balls.
He's such a bastard! I hate him!
Are you all right?
Didn't bargain for that. That was something else.
I know, but all credit to her.
She picked herself up. She came straight back.
As if nothing had happened. Like a little fireball, wasn't she?
- Not a grain of sentimentality. - No, wipe the tears.
Bless her. I wanted to give her a hug.
I don't think she'd appreciate that.
No! "This is my space, get off me!"
Leaves a nasty taste, though, exploding her heart all over the floor.
- Then it was "put that away". - Stick that in a box.
- Get it out another time. - Perhaps never.
- You'll be lucky. - I know.
She must be going through some shit, though, mustn't she?
- She's actually a good teacher. - Oh, yeah, definitely.
She's going to burn herself out.
I believed her when she said she'd cut off his balls, though. Didn't you?
I don't expect the guys will be back next week, then?
No! Snip, snip.
- How's your love life? - How is my love life?
- Nothing doing? - Not a sausage.
- Are you OK with that? - Oh, yeah.
- Good for you. - Cheers.
Cheers.
- How's your Beth? - Darren's dumped her.
Oh, no.
Just before her 18th birthday. "Thanks, Darren. "
- Why do men always do that, eh? - I know.
Christmas, Valentine's Day. Boom! They're gone.
- I hope he won't turn up to the party. - Name off the list.
I'm looking at her and thinking, "Don't call him. Don't call him. "
- "Don't do it, Beth. Don't do it. " - You can't say anything, though.
- You've got to let them get on with it. - You can't help being protective.
Of course, she's got her A levels coming up.
Fingers crossed, she's going to Manchester.
- Fantastic. What she want to do there? - Sociology.
- Lovely. - I hope she'll take a gap year. Travel.
That's important, see the world.
- I think so. Cos I never got the chance. - Nor me.
- You made up for it later, though. - Didn't I just?
- Where were you? - All over the place.
Taught in this school in Thailand, six months. Me and Zoe.
Started off in Australia. Zoe's got relations in Melbourne and Sydney.
Bali, Java, Malaysia, Vietnam - beautiful. Then Thailand.
Fabulous.
Amazing. Gorgeous kids. Loved learning. 60 in a class.
- 60? - Oh, yeah.
Fantastic. Great challenge.
- And for them. - Especially for them.
Yeah.
- Do you want another one? - I'd love to but I'm driving, aren't I?
Oh, of course you are. Got to be good. Work tomorrow.
Poppy, this is your third driving lesson.
- I'm getting quite good, aren't I? - No, you're not good.
You're smug. You're too easily distracted.
You're distracted by squirrels, by dogs, by children in the park,
by old ladies in surgical stockings, by half-naked men in their gardens.
- Oh, well, he was quite fit, wasn't he? - No, he wasn't fit, he had a paunch.
- I didn't know you were checking it out. - Keep your eyes focused on the road.
This car is a lethal weapon. Pay attention or you'll kill somebody.
Keep to the left of the centre of the road.
Oh, come on, Scott. How often do you see a squirrel sending a text like that?
- Left turn. Mirror, signal, Enrahah. - Sending a little text.
Enrahah!
I can't believe you're a teacher, that you're in charge of 40 children.
It took me by surprise, to be honest. It's 30.
30. You have no respect for order.
You are arrogant, you are disruptive and you celebrate chaos.
- I slipped through the net, didn't I? - No, you are the net.
Believe you me, Poppy, you are the net.
OK, we're going to do the next left turn. Mirror, signal, manoeuvre.
- Enrahah. Keep with it, Poppy. - Oooh. Don't like this corner.
Get away from the bend. Get away from the bend.
Do you remember the pyramid? Do you remember the shape of the pyramid?
- Enrahah. - No.
Enrahah is the eye at the top of the pyramid.
I'm talking about the bottom of it.
Those at the bottom of the pyramid are kept in total ignorance
of what those at the top of the pyramid are achieving. Enrahah.
Where are you on the pyramid?
- I'm outside the pyramid, looking in. - Of course you are.
Where are you? That is more to the point. Where are you and your children?
- Where are we all, eh? - The next left turn. Enrahah.
- Did you like school, Scott? - I'm afraid it didn't agree with me.
Oh, that's a shame.
Let me tell you something about the education system.
- Oh, go on, then. - It produces left brain prisoners.
- Do you know what that means? - I do.
Well, I'll tell you. Our brain has two sides.
The left brain and the right brain. The left brain... Keep going, keep going.
The left brain is information, data. It's dead.
The right brain is individuality. It's where the soul lies.
And the education system, it works like this - "I will give you a world view.
And if you repeat my world view, if you reconfirm my world view,
you will pass your exams and you will go higher and higher and higher
and you will become a policeman, a magistrate,
a lawyer, a general, a politician, and you will be happy and you will succeed.
But if you think for yourself,
if you think outside of the box, then you will be unhappy and you will fail. "
That's how the education system works. Left turn. Enrahah. Signal. Enrahah.
Were you bullied at school, Scott?
We're going to do the next left turn. Enrahah.
Kids, they can be cruel, can't they, eh?
Nick!
Nick, what's going on? Eh?
Are you all right, Charlie?
Yeah, I could see that. What's going on, eh?
Venga, venga!
Don't bounce.
Keep pounding.
Facing front.
Look in front of us.
It's not salsa. Keep straight.
Venga, m�talo.
Uno, dos, tres. Uno, dos, tres.
Face the front. Don't look at me. Uno, dos, tres. Keep it pounding.
Uno, dos, tres. Uno, dos, tres. Uno, dos, tres. Uno, dos, tres.
Bravo, everybody.
I have to tell you, I am slightly impressed.
Much better than last week. Though of course this is not difficult.
And still could improve.
But... it will do.
For now.
Be quiet. Get on with it.
What are you writing about? All about you?
That's lovely, Savannah.
Good girl. Married with a prince, yeah?
There we are. You carry on with your work, there's a good...
Yeah, you carry on. You draw a picture now.
Hold on. What's going on? Can you stop that, please?
What is happening? Are you hurting Ayotunde?
Are you all right? He hurt you hard?
He hit you? Come here. We do not hurt our friends.
You come and sit over here. Get on with your work.
You were hurting Ayotunde for no reason. That's not very nice.
That's not what we do to our friends.
- I can't do these. - Yes, you can. You carry on with that.
- Miss, I've got a tiger fish. - OK, Chelsea.
What's happening here, eh?
You can talk to me, you know?
Anything you want to say.
I'm here to help you.
Because I'm your mate, aren't I?
- Yes. - Yeah, that's right.
That's what mates do...
...isn't it?
- Yes. - Yeah.
What's making you so angry?
I want to help sort this out.
Come on, chop chop.
- Hi, Jenny. - Hi, Poppy.
- Poppy. - Have you got a minute?
- What's up? - I think I might have a problem.
- Come in. Sit yourself down. - Cheers.
It's Nick, really...
You know what I mean, you know?
You know?
- You know? - I know.
It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's...
Isn't it just?
You know? You know, it's...
You know, they, they, they, they, they...
Do they?
They're not, they're not, they're not, they're not!
They're not, you know?
Oh.
Are you warm enough?
# I know, I said that I was leaving
- That's nice. - He's, he's, he's...
- Is he? - You know, he's...
Ah, now, and he's, he's... Oh, he's...
Oh, no.
He's, he's, he's...
- What is he? - He's a prick.
Oh! I know a few.
There you go.
That's it. Yeah.
- You know what I mean, you know? - Yeah, yeah.
She's, she's, she's...
She's, she's, she's, you know. She's, she's...
You know. She's, she's, she's, she was, she was...
She was, she was, she was, she was...
- She was so... - Was she?
She wouldn't, you know. She wouldn't. She wouldn't, you know.
She wouldn't, and I'm, I'm... I'm not, you know.
I'm not, you know. I'm, I'm... She's... you know. She's...
She's, you know. She's...
You know, they're, they're, they're, they're...
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
I do.
What's your name?
Hey?
- Come on. - Where are you going?
- Taxi! - That'll be for me.
Come on, 'sake.
Keep your hair on.
I've only just met you. Mum warned me about going with strangers.
- Where are you going? - Longest way out, shortest way home.
Oh, sod's law.
- Is he gone? - All right. What?
- Is he gone? - Ease up.
- What? - Is he gone?
You what?
- Is he gone? - Is who gone?
- The rubber knocker man. - You what?
- The rubber knocker man. - Oh! The rubber knocker man.
- Sssh. - Why didn't you say?
- Is he gone? - Yeah, yeah. No, he's gone, he's gone.
- 'Sake. - I see him. He's a-running.
He's a-rubbing his knockers. He's gone.
Oh, he's gone. Hang about.
Oh, there you go.
Found the en suite, then.
Shake it all about.
What am I doing?
Oh, all done, then?
All right?
Have you had your dinner?
No.
- Here you are, take that. - No.
- Something to eat. - No, thank you.
- Where are you going to sleep tonight? - In a bed.
Of course you are. Silly me.
What?
You know?
Yeah.
Next, please.
- Are you asleep? - Yeah.
So what you been up to?
- This and that. - Ducking and a-diving.
Wheeling and a-dealing.
- So where you been? - Tooing and a-froing.
- Seriously. - Seriously.
I went for a walk.
Thought we were going out for a drink.
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
- Left you a message. - My battery died on me.
- So how was your day? - How was your day?
Fantastic, the earth moved.
- I've got a violent pupil in my flock. - What's he doing?
- Being violent. - What, is he hitting you?
- He's been hitting the other kids. - What are you doing about it?
I spoke to Heather.
Poor little bugger.
You've got to love them, haven't you?
Yeah, otherwise you'd kill them.
So where did you go tonight?
The eternal question. Where have we been? Where are we going?
What's the meaning of life?
I went to the moon and then back again.
- Wow, you walk quickly. - I've got good legs.
Yeah, you've got great legs. Not that you're my type.
- These are great legs. - Ah, get off. Read your palm.
Oh, I see a very strong line.
It's your bullshit line, and I see a tall, dark, handsome... turd.
- Next to it is a bloke. - A bloke?
- Yeah. - Let's see.
Oh, yeah, there he is. Isn't he gorgeous?
- Not my type. - No.
Where have all the good men gone, eh?
Well, they're not hiding in here, are they?
Come out, come out, wherever you are. We're ready and waiting.
They haven't got the balls.
- All right, Nick? - Yeah.
- How you doing there? - I'm reading.
- What you reading? - "Yuck!"
- "Yuck!" That's nice, isn't it? - Oh, it's a classic, that.
- Nick, this is Tim. - Hi, Nick.
Hello.
Now, Nick, when I asked you the other day,
did you know what a social worker was,
can you remember what you said?
A social worker helps you on... hard things.
A social worker helps you with hard things, yes.
- That's true. - Yeah, very good.
That's right. And I was thinking,
how could I help Tim to get to know you a bit better?
I was thinking, because you've done some very good learning this year...
Oh, I'd say so, yes. - He has, hasn't he?
And I was thinking, would you mind showing Tim some of your work?
- No. - That's a good idea.
I'd love to see it.
Is that, "No, you don't want to" or "No, you don't mind"?
- No, I don't mind. - I didn't think you would.
Well, that's good, isn't it? What's it going to be?
- You come and sit here. Have a look. - Oh, thanks.
- We should show off your maths. - Are you good at maths, Nick?
- Are you all right, sweet? A bit tired? - Let's have a look at this. Here.
- What's this, then? - Look.
- This is last term. - Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
Oh, he's good at his numbers. - Very good.
- Yeah, smiley faces. - I'm going to see you later, OK?
- See you. - Thanks, Mrs Stockman. See you soon.
- Smiley face, big smiley face there. - Smiley face, ticks everywhere.
- Very good. - All last term this was.
Isn't it? Not bad.
Is it good this term as well?
Er... yes, it's a bit on and off. Isn't it?
- Oh, yeah. - Not so good.
- We'll get around that, though. - Of course.
You know you're not in trouble, don't you, Nick?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
No-one could be angry with you. Not for long.
You've been a bit angry, though, haven't you?
Yeah.
- What's made you angry? - I don't know.
You don't know?
What's it like at home?
Fine.
- Yeah, with you and your mum? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- You get on with your mum, don't you? - Yeah.
- Does anybody else come to the house? - No.
No? What about any of Mummy's friends?
Has she got a boyfriend?
Yeah, she does.
She does? What's his name?
Jason.
Is Jason nice?
No.
Has he been making you angry, Nick?
Yeah.
That's no good, is it?
Have you got a piece of paper, Miss Cross?
Yeah, sure we could rustle one up.
- You good at drawing, Nick? - Yeah.
OK.
- Here we go. - Let's get you a pencil.
There you go.
Take that, Nick, and what I'd like you to do, is draw me a house.
Do you think you can do that?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Thought so.
That's your mum, in her bedroom.
- And who else is there? - Jason.
Jason's there. Where's he?
- He's in the living room. - In the living room.
- You're all in different rooms, aren't you? - Mm-hm.
Why are you in a different room to Jason?
- Because he's not nice to me. - He's not nice. What does he do to you?
He hits me.
- He hits you. - Yeah.
You know that's not right, don't you, Nick?
- It was lovely to meet you. - Yeah, you too.
Thank you. I think he'll be all right.
- Of course. - Yeah.
- He's got a good teacher. - Has he? Where is she? I can't see her.
- I'm looking at her. - Oh. Thank you very much.
- I wouldn't mind looking at her again. - She wouldn't mind looking at you again.
Really? That's good.
- Give us your number. - OK, I'll write it down.
That's a start.
There you go.
- Thank you very much. - You're welcome.
- Goodbye. - See you.
Are you all right? Had a good week?
- Yeah. - Oh, that's a bonus.
Smells in here.
I didn't know you had a dog.
No, it isn't a dog. I just had a lesson.
- Bit stinky, was he? - Could say that.
- You got a dog? - No, I live in a flat.
Be cruel, wouldn't it? I'd love a dog. Have you ever had a dog?
- Your mum and dad got a dog? - My dad's dead.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
- How do you get on with your mum? - I don't.
Oh.
You live with your mum and dad?
No.
How old do you think I am, 12?
- 22, 23? - Oh, I like you.
You can stay.
I'm 30.
Old maid, now.
So, do you live on your own?
No. I live with my flatmate.
Nearly 10 years now. She done well, bless her.
- That's a long time. - She's gorgeous. I love her.
What do you mean, you love her?
I mean, I love her. She loves me. We love each other.
What, so you're...
What?
Yeah, that's it. That's us.
- You got a problem with that, Scott? - No, nothing to do with me.
I don't think it is.
- OK, check your mirrors. Enrahah. - Yeah, checking, checking.
Indicate and knock on the door, let them know you want to come in.
Knock on the door, OK. Put your foot down on the clutch. Put it in first gear.
OK, find your biting point just before you go. OK, stop.
- What? - Put the car in neutral.
Put the car in neutral, the hand brake on.
Take your hand off the steering wheel, foot off the pedal, turn off the ignition.
- I haven't started. - I've stopped.
- Now you tell me why I've stopped. - Got a headache?
No. Yes! I have got a headache and you tell me why I've got one.
Erm... I don't know. Time of the month? Oh, give me a clue.
Well, think. Top to toe. Top to toe.
- Boots, Poppy. Boots. - Oh, here we go.
Every week I ask you, "Please wear appropriate footwear. "
And every week you insist on wearing those stupid boots.
- Yeah, sorry about that. - You know what this is?
- This is vanity before safety. - Oh, right.
"I'm sorry, Mrs Jones. I'm sorry. Poppy killed your child,
but don't worry, she looked really cool in her sexy, seductive boots. "
- Am I keeping you awake at night? - No.
Are you sure about that?
Shall we get on with the lesson?
Will you do something about your boots?
I don't think so. They're fine. I'm comfy in these.
A lot of people drive in heels.
Very well, on your head be it.
Yeah, okey-dokey.
Keep to the left of the centre. Enrahah. Enrahah.
When we come to this bend, what do we do?
- Are you expecting the worst? - We keep to the left.
We expect a juggernaut, OK?
- Expect the worst. - Expecting the worst.
- More gas, more gas. - Expecting the worst.
- More gas.
- There's a juggernaut, get down! - Poppy, put both hands on the wheel
and keep your eyes on the road!
- There was a juggernaut, Scott. - There wasn't a juggernaut.
- That was a stupid thing to do, Poppy. - There was a little...
- Give me gas. Give me gas. - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- I'm giving you gas. - Away from the bend. Give me gas.
Right.
- Poppy. - Yeah?
I am not going to allow you to endanger both of us,
just for you to have your stupid little joke.
I mean, if you want to make jokes, if that's what you want to do,
then I will gladly sit here and you can take the mickey out of me
for �22.50 an hour - it's your money.
- I'm big enough. I can take it. - Can you?
But I will not allow you to endanger yourself, myself,
and other road users just for your amusement.
I wasn't taking the mickey, Scott.
- I'm sorry. - Don't touch me! Don't you touch me!
Right, that's it. Get out!
- What's happening now? - Get in the passenger seat.
- Why? - The lesson is over. I'm taking you home.
Oh. So, that's that, then, is it?
All right, then.
Speak to the office and when they ask you, tell them I can't teach you.
Fucking!
Take it easy, Scott. It's all right. It's all right.
Well, come on, then. Let's go. It's costing me enough money as it is.
All I ask is that you behave like an adult.
What? Like you, Scott?
It's like musical cars, this.
- What now? - Get in the driver's seat, please.
I've never given up on a pupil.
Oh, so that bit's over, is it? Oh, well, make your mind up.
Do you want to have a walk, get a breath of fresh air or something?
No? All right, then.
Check your mirrors.
What about that guy you gave up on the other week, eh?
He passed his test this morning.
- Oh, well, that's good. - He didn't deserve to.
He was very rude. He didn't even say thank you.
I don't know, some people. Doesn't take much.
- It's just the little things. - That's right.
Enrahah.
Keep to the left of the centre of the road.
You can make jokes while you're driving, but you will crash and you will die laughing.
Well, if you're going to go, it's the best way to go, I suppose.
- Are you scared of death? - No, I'm not scared of death.
I'm scared of dying. That's why I woke up.
- Oh, when did you wake up? - A long time ago.
- Who set the alarm? - I did.
- I opened my eyes and I saw. - And what did you see?
You can laugh while Rome is burning, but believe you me, Poppy, it is burning.
And if you don't wake up, then you will be burnt to a cinder.
I mean, look around you. What do you see? Do you see happiness?
Do you see a policy of bringing happiness to people? No. No.
You see ignorance and fear.
You see... You see the disease of multiculturalism,
and what is multiculturalism?
Multiculturalism is non-culturalism.
And why do they want non-culturalism?
Because they want to reduce collective will.
The American Dream never happened.
The American nightmare is already here.
Look at the Washington Monument.
It is 555 feet above the ground and 111 feet below the ground.
555 plus 111 is 666.
666, Poppy. 666.
Keep to the left of the centre of the road.
Are you an only child, Scott?
Enrahah. Use all your mirrors.
Watch your speed.
Same time next week?
- Of course. - Of course.
Stay happy.
- Oh, come on, Suzy. - Don't worry, she'll be here.
What time's Helen expecting us?
- She wanted us there by four. - She's going to go nuts.
Not much I can do about that. Runs in the family.
How was your lesson?
I don't know. Dark.
- How do you mean, dark? - Dark as the night.
He hasn't been feeling you up, has he?
I'd like to see him try.
Touching your knee instead of the gear stick, that old chestnut.
No.
You all right, Poppy?
Yeah. I think I'm just worried about Helen.
Really, how do you mean?
- Should have gone to see her ages ago. - Yeah, families, eh?
Oh, here's Suzy.
Here we are.
- Hello! - Are you all right?
Look at this! Oh, mind the tree.
- It's nice to stand up. - All right, Poppy?
- All right, Jamie? - Suzy, mind your sister's new motor.
- You all right, Jamie? - All right?
- Yeah. - Long time no see.
- Yeah, long time no see. - All right, Suzy?
- All right, Jamie? - All right.
Ooh, these are for you.
- I got you a little bottle of bubbly. - Oh, thank you very much. It's lovely.
- All right. I'll pop these upstairs for you. - Lovely, Jamie. Thank you very much.
- Isn't that lovely? - I'm guessing we're having a barbecue.
Whatever gave you that idea, Suze?
- Keep on running, Jamie. - Yeah.
Better put these down now, shall I? That's a good idea. Having fun yet?
- Yeah. - Take your shoes off, Suzy.
- All right! - And you too, Poppy.
I'll give you the grand tour. This is the downstairs toilet.
- Oh, I thought it was the wine cellar. - I wish.
Through here, this is the living room.
Ta-da! Yeah, went with a blue and silver theme in here.
Did you, Jamie? It's very nice, isn't it, Suze?
- Here's our dining area. - Lovely.
There's usually another chair here. But we put it outside for later.
- For the foxes? - Yeah!
- We only got it last weekend, didn't we? - Yeah, flat pack.
Really?
It's beautiful, Helen. Haven't you got green fingers, eh?
- Is it all right to smoke, Helen? - I suppose so.
Can you get the ash in the ashtray, please?
I'll try not to miss the potty.
- You've been trained. - Come and see my roses!
- Oh, lovely. - I only planted these this time last year.
- You didn't. - They've done really well.
I want to grow them into a big bush.
- They smell lovely. - Don't they just.
My lavender. Put that by the compost.
- Best place for it, really. - Hydrangeas need perking up a bit.
Bit down in the dumps, is he?
Hello there, cheer up. Might never happen.
Busy Lizzies are doing very well. Beautiful flowers.
- Been a bit busy, has she? - Going to plant more of these next year.
- That looks crap. - Thanks, Suzy.
- Eucalyptus. - Oh, Zoe.
Gum tree!
- Brings back memories, doesn't it? - Yeah, the smell.
G'day, blue, how's it going?
- Drinks up. - Cheers, Jamie. Let me give you a hand.
- Cheers, everyone. - Cheers.
So, you've spoken to Mum, then?
Yeah, I spoke to her last Sunday. She's all right.
- Lovely. She coming down? - Yes.
What's she coming down with? Syphilis?
- When did you last speak to her, Suzy? - Oh, leave it out.
- You should give her a ring. - I spoke to her.
- They're very excited. - Course they are.
They'll come down when the baby's born.
- Get on with the in-laws, do you, Jamie? - Yeah, I do, as it goes.
- Yeah, you get on with Dad, don't you? - We have a nice chat from time to time.
- Do you? - That's more than we ever do.
Does it seem funny, your little sister having a baby?
- Yeah, it is a bit weird. - No, it's perfectly natural.
- I'm an auntie. - Oh, yeah?
- Got two nieces. My brothers' kids. - They're lovely.
- Yeah, well, they're all right. - Oh, he's kicking.
Oh, yeah, that's amazing. Hello, little man in there. It's your auntie speaking.
There's your other auntie here, Auntie Suzy. Does she want a word?
- What are you going to call it? - Yeah, have you chosen a name yet?
- We weren't going to say, were we? - We're not telling anyone yet.
- Go on, your secret's safe with us. - No, it's bad luck.
It's Nathan.
Oops. It's lovely.
- Nathan? - Yeah.
- It's a lovely name, Helen. - Is there a Nathan in the family?
- No. - No, just feels right to us.
Well, that's the important thing.
- Nathan Lightfoot. - Yes, Suzy, Nathan Lightfoot.
Nathan Lightfoot Esquire.
- It's boring. - Take no notice of her.
- I'm not. - Cheers. Cheers, Nathan.
- Let me get you another top up. Suzy? - Oh, yeah, thanks, Jamie.
I know, let's have a go on your PlayStation, Jamie.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Yeah, I'll start it up. - No, Jamie.
- Zoe's favourite, isn't it? - Yeah, I can't get enough.
- What games you got? - Sonic The Hedgehog, Splinter Cell.
- Cool. - We can't start with that now.
- Why not? - It's too late.
Is it? What's the time?
- Oh, five minutes. - No.
- Come on, let's play. - Jamie, I said leave it.
- All right, lovely. - Sit down.
Oh, for fuck sake.
Bane of my life, PlayStations.
- Oh, you got one? - No, the kids at school.
They're like that under the desks, aren't they?
- I always confiscate them in my class. - Do you?
- What a surprise. - They must love that.
- Well, maybe in the morning, eh? - Yeah, before we go for a walk.
It's incredible to think I'm going to get even bigger.
- Only 10 more weeks. - Exciting, strap yourself in.
Doesn't it make you both feel a little bit broody, you girls?
- No, actually. How about you, Zoe? - Afraid not. With all due respect.
You want a baby, though, don't you, Poppy?
- No, thanks. I've just had a kebab. - I didn't mean that. Eventually.
Maybe. Who knows?
At 35, you're considered a high-risk mum.
- Give me a chance, I've just turned 30. - It's only five years away.
- You've got to make plans. - A five-year plan? Like Stalin?
- When are you getting on the property ladder? - I need a step up first.
- You got to get yourself a mortgage. - We don't want the hassle.
- You need to invest your savings. - I just stuff mine under the mattress.
- Have you got a pension yet? - You got to be joking.
- Have you got a pension? - We've both got pensions, haven't we?
- Oh, yeah. - Great. Where are your Zimmer frames?
- You've got to take life seriously. - Have I?
You can't get drunk every night, partying, however much fun it is.
I don't get drunk every night. Do we?
- No, she's an adult now, your big sister. - Unfortunately.
- You have to take responsibility, Poppy. - OK, take it easy.
I am taking it easy.
I just want you to be happy, that's all.
I am happy.
- I don't think you are. - I am.
I love my life. Yeah, it can be tough at times. That's part of it, isn't it?
I've got a great job, brilliant kids, lovely flat. I've got her to look at.
I've got amazing friends. I love my freedom. I'm a lucky lady, I know that.
- All right, no need to rub it in. - What am I rubbing in?
- I know what you're saying. - What?
- You think I've taken the easy option. - Hey.
Hang on, Helen. She didn't say that.
- It's what she meant. - No, you're insecure about your life.
- All right, Suze. - That's not true.
- Why are you trying to control everyone? - I'm not. I'm not.
- Whatever. You're boring me. - Leave it out.
Why are you all attacking me? It's not fair.
- No-one's attacking you, Helen. - They're not attacking you, Hel.
- Blimey. - It's pathetic.
- Suzy! - Sorry.
- She'll be all right in a minute. - Yeah.
It's hormones.
- You all right? - Yeah.
- Do you want to play a game, Jamie? - Yeah, yeah.
No, best leave it till the morning.
I think we should all go to bed, it's getting late.
All right, then.
Jamie, go upstairs and get the bedding for Suzy.
- You're looking tired, Suzy. - She always looks like that.
It's just my face.
Thanks for the barbecue, Helen. Jamie.
- Anytime. - It was gorgeous.
Thanks.
We'll go for a walk by the sea tomorrow. It'll be lovely.
Be nice.
Move your arse.
Flap, flap, flap!
Careful, Poppy. I'm worried about you in those shoes.
- Don't worry. They're not too high. - Poppy, come off the wall.
Give us a piggy back?
Suzy, don't do that. Don't. Stop it.
You should have told me, I wouldn't have got on your back.
I'm all right. How are you? Good weekend?
Oh, heavy night last night, was it?
That's what I like to hear. Good boy.
So, do you fancy going out sometime, then?
How's Friday looking for you? Think you can squeeze me in?
Oh, go on, then. I don't drink.
But...
Yeah, maybe just the one.
Yeah, something like that.
All right, then. See you then, then, then, then, then.
All right. See you, sailor. Bye.
Scott!
Suzy, wind your sister's window up.
What was that all about, then?
Search me.
Bit weird.
Isn't it just?
- Gives me the creeps, to be honest. - Yeah.
So, what are we doing for tea, then?
- Takeaway. What do you reckon? - Chinese?
Oh, hello, look who's here. Little piglet.
- Are you paying? - No.
- Course she's not. - Don't worry, we'll take care of it.
- Mum and Dad. - Which one am I?
- Dad, of course. - I hate being Dad.
- You love it. - Oh, get off, Poppy.
It's a beautiful sky.
There you go.
Thanks.
So where were we?
What brings you here?
- I met a girl. - Oh, very nice.
- Yeah. - What's she like, then?
- I can't talk about it. - Why not?
- It's a secret. - I'm good with secrets.
- It's between me and her, though. - Oh, fair enough. I won't pry.
- Who is she? - I couldn't possibly.
Trust me.
She's a teacher.
- Is she? - She's gorgeous.
Oh... I hate her already.
Haven't you got lovely eyes?
- Thanks. - Beautiful colour.
- Really? - Yeah.
Picked them myself.
- Did you? - Yeah.
- Where from? - Down the market.
- You're joking me? - No.
I'd say you got yourself a bargain there.
- You've got one as well. - Have I? Just the one? Which one?
- That one. - This one?
- Particularly lovely, is he? - He is.
But don't upset the other one.
- No, she's all right. - Is she?
- Yeah, we've had a chat about it. - Oh, good.
Yeah, she's over the worst now. Yeah, anyway she's got other talents.
- Has she? - Yeah.
- What are they? - So many.
- She can juggle. - Obviously.
Yeah, goes without saying. She can wink on demand.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
- Let's see. - Are you sure?
- Yeah. - It's pretty spooky.
- Go on. - OK, are you ready?
Yeah.
She is good!
- This one tries to join in. - Don't let him.
I won't. Anyway, he's lovely, so...
- Well, she's lovely, too. - Don't try and claw your way out of it.
- Sorry. - It's all right.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
Again.
This is nice.
It is nice.
Here we are.
Wow.
Welcome to my humble abode.
Thank you.
- Aren't you high up? - Yeah.
Yeah. What's it like up there?
Hm. It's OK.
That's better.
- I think you must be too hot. - Yeah, it does feel hot.
Yeah, I thought so.
Usually right.
- Though it's not really my job. - No, you're very good at it.
I know.
Hidden talents.
Oh, wow.
Now, that's what I call a bargain.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
One, two, three.
- I'm a bit hot, too. - Yeah?
Yeah.
- Maybe this'll help. - I think you might be right.
- What about if this... - Oh, yeah, and that one. Go on, then.
OK.
Ooh, I quite like it like that.
- Oh! - Lovely.
- What's it like in there? - Oh, not bad.
I'll go and make that tea.
Great.
Going to be late for my lesson. Hey-ho. There you go.
- I'll give you a lift. - Will you?
- Yeah. - Oh!
- Means I keep you for longer. - Thank you very much.
It's OK.
- So when you coming back to school? - Oh. Next week.
- I'll see how things go with his mum. - Yeah, he'll be all right.
He'll be fine.
Hello.
Hi.
Are you happy... in your life?
That's a big question.
Isn't it just?
- So, you play football, then? - Yeah, five-a-side every week.
- Right. Is that indoors or outdoors? - No, outdoors.
- Oh, here she is. - Made it. Just.
- Why aren't you wearing any jewellery? - Oh, it's that kind of day.
So, you doing anything tonight?
Yeah, it's a mate's 30th. We're all meeting in a bar.
- Great. - What are you two up to?
- Oh, cinema. - Yeah, see a film.
- Popcorn... - Sit in the dark, hold hands.
Yeah, no necking.
She's only saying that cos you're here.
Normally I'm all over her like a rash.
- I don't blame you. - He's a right smoothie.
Isn't he just?
- Here he is. - Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, Zoe.
- Yeah, whatever. - Have a good time tonight.
Come on, you.
Hiya, Scott. This is Tim. He's coming with us today.
- Just joking. - Hi.
- Ooh, can't win them all. - Apparently not.
- See you later. - I'll call you.
- Will you? - Yeah.
Good.
What happened on Sunday, Scott? You should've stopped to say hello.
I don't know what you're talking about. I was in Stevenage on Sunday.
Stevenage? Funny, you must have a twin.
I was there all day. I was looking after my mum. My aunt's dying.
- I'm sorry to hear that. - It's all right.
- Don't believe you, Scott. - It's up to you, I was there till midnight.
Don't think so, gigolo.
Concentrate, Poppy. Concentrate. Watch what I'm doing.
Now I'm going to indicate. I keep in lane. In a roundabout, you keep in lane.
OK? You keep in lane, all right?
You take responsibility for other drivers and for yourself and you keep in lane, OK?
This is a roundabout. Concentrate, pay attention. Good. Thank you.
Are you... Was that a request or was that a demand?
Did he bully me then? Did he just shove in then?
- Or did he ask? - Did he?
No, he didn't ask. You see what roundabouts do?
Roundabouts, if you keep in lane and you keep going, you'll be fine.
You're following rules and keeping everything the way it should be.
Everything in check.
But if you get selfish and if you step out of it, then it goes wrong.
And it gets dangerous. Do you see what I mean?
Waa-aaah...
I'm not waiting for somebody who can't keep in lane on a roundabout.
I'm not waiting.
Everywhere you see, look at the cameras.
Everywhere you go, they're watching you.
They're seeing you. They're watching. Everywhere you go.
Look at this place, it stinks. Come on. What are you waiting for?
- All right. - Jesus Christ! Look, another camera...
Speed camera. Why do you need them?
There's two guys at the back of the road selling drugs
and you have a speed camera. Why do you need a speed camera?
You can wait.
- You can wait! - Easy.
Come on! Drive the car.
You're not driving a camel. OK? This is not a bazaar.
We have rules in this country. We have regulations. Keep to them.
Fucking morons!
Check your mirrors, your seat, make yourself comfortable.
- No, I don't think so. - Seat belt on.
- I'm not going anywhere. - What do you mean?
You are in no fit state to take this lesson.
I am the instructor. You are the pupil.
- You need to calm down. - I am calm.
- You can't drive like this. - You can't comment on my driving!
I think I can when you're putting yourself in danger, putting me in danger,
- and putting other people in danger. - It's them.
That's bullshit. It's all bullshit. That's it, I don't want it.
- You want this lesson to stop? - Yes, I do.
I don't want you to teach me any more. I'm sorry.
OK. Fantastic. Get in the passenger seat and I'll drive you home.
No, I don't think so. I'm driving.
- No, you're not. - I am.
Poppy, if this isn't a lesson, you can't drive.
You're not driving anywhere.
You got two choices, either I drive you home or you walk.
I don't mind walking, but you can't drive this car.
- You can't stop me. - Yes, I can.
- Poppy, give me the keys. - No.
- Give me the keys to my car. - No, I don't think so.
I'm going to ask you one more time. Please give me the keys to my car.
- I'm sorry, I can't. - Give me the fucking keys to my car,
- you fucking bitch! - Get off me!
- Give me the... fuck... - Get off me. Get off me!
- Give me the fucking... - Get off me. You get away from me!
- Give me the fucking keys! - You can't touch me, Scott.
- Give me the fucking keys! - You can't touch me. You're out of order.
- Give me those fucking keys! - You're out of order.
- Give me the...
I'm calling the police. Do you want me to call the police?
Do you?
Right. So let's just calm down, shall we?
OK, we're disturbing the peace here.
I just want to get in my car and drive away.
- That's not going to happen. - Jesus!
You're doing it again. You never give in for fuck's sake, you fucking bitch!
- You need help. - Don't patronise me.
- I'm not patronising you. - Yes, you are always patronising me.
This is what you always wanted, what you set out to achieve.
This is the game you play.
You prodded me. You poked me. You stroked me. You teased me.
You flirted with me. You sucked me in.
You wore your high-heel boots, your short skirt, your low-cut top
and you flashed your tits, you tossed your hair.
You played with the gear stick. You lied to me!
This is all about you. The world has to revolve around you.
I'm a driving instructor. I just wanted to do my job.
You had no intention of learning how to drive. You had one thing in mind.
To reel me in. And why? Because you have to be adored.
You've got to be wanted. And you drink it in.
And you leave me with a spring in your step
and you go off and you fuck your boyfriend and you fuck your girlfriend.
And you all drive around in that stupid, little yellow car.
Scott...
Come on, now.
I just want to go home.
I'm sure you do.
Don't we all, eh?
Tell you what.
Why don't we have a talk about it?
We'll sit in the car.
We'll have a chat, OK?
All right?
And then I'll give you your keys.
I'm sorry if I upset you, Scott.
I wish I could make you happy.
I was happy.
OK.
And I was in Stevenage last Sunday.
- Sure. - You can ask my mum.
So, same time next week?
I'm sorry, Scott.
There you go.
I'll just get my bag, all right?
I'm a good driving instructor.
Yeah, I know you are.
Take care, Scott.
Was that your boyfriend?
Before?
Was it?
I think I should give up smoking.
That's a good idea.
What can I give up?
You could give up being too nice.
Seriously, you can't make everyone happy.
There's no harm in trying, though, is there? Bring a smile to the world.
- Come on, Poppy. - I know. I know.
I still think we should call the police.
No, that's not going to help him, is it?
I don't know.
- You know what? - What?
- We're lucky, aren't we? - Yeah, we are.
Well... well, you make your own luck in life, don't you?
Well, some of us do. Some of us miss the boat completely.
It's hard work being a grown-up, isn't it?
Yeah, it is. It's a long trip.
Yeah, tell me when we get there.
Don't worry, I'll let you know.
You keep on rowing and I'll keep on smiling.
Hm. Are we there yet?
We've got a hell of a way to go.
We're getting good at this, aren't we? Nothing to it.
Hello, you. Missing me already?
Oh...
That's nice to hear.
A nightmare. Yeah.
I'm still alive... just.
Well... it's a long story.
I'm on the lake, with Zoe.
Yeah.
The bathroom flooded, yeah.
It's all right now. We've found a boat.
You're funny.
No.