Hello, ladies.
This is all... Kinda funny, really.
Actually, this whole thing started
because of laughter, you know?
Laughter--when the smile has an orgasm.
And out of 100 of you women,
I can bring 99 of you to this climax chuckle.
I can...
But I can't make the one girl I love
smile like she made me smile
on the worst day of my already
terrible, laughable life.
Which is quite a feat,
considering I've been having horrible days ever since I was a kid.
Aah!
I'm sorry.
Aah! Aah!
Your tongue is caught my clit ring.
Oh, god! No! Don't move!
Don't--don't-- don't move!
Aah! Aah!
This drawing is appalling.
You show absolutely no understanding of this woman or any woman.
In the future, the only drawing you'll be doing...
Is drawing unemployment.
You have to listen to me. We are over.
We are completely and totally over.
The next time you break up with me,
you want to do it before i give you a ride home?
Achtung, baby. We are over.
Hey, no!
You can't do this to me now!
Please, Gretchen, not now!
Today's already the worst day of my life!
I believe you've lost your smile.
You've lost your smile.
Sam, narrating: Her name was hope.
She had this winning smile
that could take olympic gold.
I've had a lot of bad days in my life,
but today definitely qualifies as the worst.
Things could be worse.
At least Gretchen broke up with you
before she made you get your penis pierced.
You see?
You're funny "ha ha."
I'm just sort of accidentally funny.
Accidentally funny? Yeah.
You see, I'm always doing weird stuff, and I don't even know it.
It just happens.
Thus, I'm accidentally funny.
Sam, nobody's normal all the time. Look at me.
I just noticed I've had my shirt on inside out all day.
Yeah, but you know,
I'm not even normal some of the time.
You see? Would you look at this?
Case in point, right?
I have a fake wallet i keep in my pants pocket in case I get mugged.
I keep my real money crumpled up inside my sock.
This is odd.
Do you know anyone else
in the entire world that does this?
Mm-hmm. One other.
Who?
Me.
That's a really good idea.
Great. Now I'm contagious.
Sam...
What made you enroll in art school?
I sort of determined that all artists are weird,
so if I became one,
then I'd have an excuse for my chronic strangeness.
You can see now why today is my personal Waterloo.
In less than an hour, I've not only found out
I have no talent, no future, no girlfriend,
but now I also have
absolutely no excuses for my eccentrocities.
What can I do to cheer you up?
Nothing.
There's nothing you can do.
Maybe I could, um,
start by cleaning the snew off your shirt.
Snew? What's snew?
I don't know. What's snew with you?
What did snow white say to Pinocchio
when she was sitting on his face?
"Lie to me. Lie to me."
Ok, so let's make like a baby and head out.
Let's go.
You know what I think we should do?
No.
Which one did you just say was your ex-girlfriend's?
I think it was that one.
Gretchen: You bastard!
I'm gonna come down there and cut your balls off!
Sam: Now, laughter really is when a smile orgasms.
Let me tell you,
hope an I had laughter that was multiple,
simultaneous,
and wet.
My number's 555-- ok.
6344.
Ok, great. Oh, and...
Don't forget this.
Yeah. Your smile.
Yeah...And thank you for giving it back to me.
Yeah.
That's my ride.
Ok.
Call me. Yeah, I will.
Sam: I had to find hope...
So I took a job as a delivery guy.
Here's your order.
Hope probably would have called me a cuisine courier.
Here's your, uh--
it's lame, I know,
but at least the job allowed me to search for hope on every corner,
in every building,
on every run I made throughout the city.
Aah!
Oh, my god, I'm so sorry.
I'm going to pull out.
I mean--i mean back out.
Woman: Women, please follow me this way.
The atlea whatley women's residence and club
has been I existence since 1923.
We have women from all 50 states,
as well as Puerto Rico and Guam and 20 other countries.
We have 2 olympic-size swimming pools,
as well as 4 tennis courts.
Raarrrggghh!
Excuse me.
Hi. Uh, do you know where 6d is?
Raarrrggghh!
Thanks.
Delivery!
Oh, wow! Hope!
Hey.
Hello, Sam.
Oh, my god! I have been looking for you everywhere.
You have no idea.
I am so, so sorry i never called you,
you know, because you wrote your number down on my palm,
and it was pouring rain that night
and it just-- it washed off.
It's ok.
How are you?
You look like someone dropped an acme safe on your head.
I'm fine.
Yeah. Me, too. I'm fine, too.
Well, this is awkward.
At times like this, i think about dogs.
Dogs?
Yeah.
I like the way they lick your face
and let you pet 'em all over and stuff when you first meet 'em.
It's just, it would be nice
if women could immediately let you know you're liked
the way that a dog lets you know.
Be a nice ice breaker.
Maybe.
Your chicken fajitas.
Oh, thanks. You remembered the extra salsa.
Um...
I think all i have is a 50.
Yeah, that's ok.
Yeah, I think i can break that.
You got me makin' a habit out of this.
Are you sure you're all right?
Yeah, never better.
'Cause you don't look never better.
You're wrong, I'm fine.
You know, I thought i was wrong once,
but I was mistaken, and I'm not wrong here.
Come on, what's the matter?
Nothing that a nice, high ledge with a view
couldn't take care of.
Good-bye, Sam.
Hey, where's Holden?
Uh, he's in back.
I wanna bottle up your sweat, baby.
Aw, you got such a tight, tight ass.
What's that? Squeeze it harder, huh?
Yeah.
What the hell are you doin'?
Hey, man. What's going on?
I was, uh, rearranging my collection.
It was totally inefficient.
I had double penetration filed away under double dildo.
I don't care about your Smithsonian of smut.
Why was your hand on your ass?
Uh, sometimes I gotta get a little kinky to...
Jack up the old winkie.
See, here. If I stare at this centerfold here
and concentrate real hard while grabbing my own butt,
it feels like I'm feeling up miss September's ass.
You know, uncle Bart would be really pissed
if he came in here and caught you flicking the grinch.
Whoa.
I haven't seen you this cranky since camp
when I gave you that montezuma swirly.
Come on.
Spill your guts.
No, I can't.
Why?
Why can't you tell me what's going on?
Holden, how can i talk to you?
I mean, you're one of those guys who has a tray
that makes boob-shaped jell-o.
You once bought one of those man-girdles
with the underwear to lift and separate your butt.
You've got arthritis from jerking off too many times.
I did not get arthritis!
It's carpal tunnel syndrome.
Hey, Holden!
These gelatin boobs are fantastic!
Yeah, they're sensitive, aren't they?
You're so tense. What you need is a date
with my 2-dimensional lady friend here.
She not only pulls out,
but she puts out.
What do you think, Sam?
Is the mass of the ass directly proportional
to the beauty of the cutie?
What?
See, that is the spirit.
Man, when you're down in the dumper,
you just gotta laugh it off.
Hey, you know what?
That's actually a good idea.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A fish.
Look at this article.
It explains how feel-good endorphins can make you smile.
Conversely, all right,
it says if you force a smile on your face,
you can trick your body into releasing these same feel-good endorphins,
which then make you happy.
Did you know that if you change the is in Mississippi
to os, you get mossossoppo.
Come on, are those endorphins pumping?
Come on. That's great.
Look at that face.
Come on, look at that--
stop, Sam.
I appreciate the effort,
and your comedy act
is a great success.
It's your audience that's a total failure.
I gotta get some new material.
Whoa!
Aah!
Oh, my god.
I think I broke it.
I think busted it is the more appropriate phrase.
Does it hurt?
No, you didn't pop my boob,
you just poked a hole in my aqua-bra.
Hey, I'm flat-chested. I mean, I'm Annie.
Hi, I'm Sam.
What's an aqua-bra?
Well, it's a brassiere
that supplements the figure with water implants.
Hmm.
See?
No surprise.
God! Ok. Ok.
That's a-- that's a tickle.
I gotta remember to tell my friend hope about this.
Oh, hope on the top floor?
Yeah.
She doesn't think anything's funny.
What gave her such a mood dunk?
I mean, is she always like this?
No, when I first met her, she was pretty happy.
I'll catch you later. Ok.
One day hope came home and something happened.
I haven't seen her out of her room since,
but I work really weird hours at the hospital,
so maybe some of the other girls have seen her around.
It was nice meeting you.
Yeah, you, too.
Do you know hope in 6d?
My acting coach told me not to talk to anyone
while I'm doing my exercises.
Hey, excuse me, miss.
Do you know, uh...
What did he instruct you to do,
act like a coffee table?
No.
I'm the wind blowing in the desert.
Hello? Delivery.
The door's open.
Wow. What a great place you got here.
I just delivered to that girl hope up in 6d.
Man, her place was a wreck.
Do you know her?
Hi, I'm Sam. I'm your coffee delivery guy.
I said, do you know hope in 6d?
Hey, I'm speaking to you, Tanya.
Can you hear me say this?
You look like a man-eating Amazon Princess
donning her war paint in preparation
for battle in the corporate jungle.
Delivery boy, could you bring me my Espresso?
Oh, I take it that's an order from Tanya, Amazon Princess.
Your majesty commands me
to bow down before her and fetch her coffee.
Well, I refuse! I won't be your slave
no matter what you throw at me.
I'm not turned on by your executrix power suit,
your war armor.
Your miniskirt loincloth displays a powerful weapon--
your thighs, which make me cower with lust.
And your brassiere is like a protective breastplate
you can tear away to unsheathe your most
your hypnotic breasts.
Here's your coffee, Tanya.
Oh, and by the way, I'm not the Amazon Princess.
I'm the Amazon queen.
What are all these balloons for?
Some kid's birthday party.
Ah.
So, how's the probe going?
Probe?
Oh, the investigation.
It's terrible. Some of these girls can be really mean.
There's this one girl, Tanya.
She treats me like a total peon.
Pee on?
I didn't know you were into water sports.
No, not like that.
God, Holden, do you ever think about anything other than sex?
I say forget about hope
and move on to someone who's more probe-able.
No, it's not gonna happen. I'm not giving up on her.
Come on, man. Wake up and smell the pussy!
You are totally in love with her.
You think that if you find her smile
that she'll end up falling in love with you
like some fairy tale.
But more likely, she'll end up screwin' you over,
and you'll end up taking it in the tail.
Ok, all right.
You know, i do love her,
but I'm also her friend.
Look, man, something terrible happened to her
in that building, and I'm gonna find out what that was.
And maybe I can make things right again.
Hey, easy on those balloons.
You don't wanna disappoint the birthday...Boy.
Wait a minute.
Today is your birthday.
Now, that...
Is what I call a blow job.
Here, Sam, check this out.
Kaboom monthly?
Yup. The definitive guide for popping a boner.
Mmm!
Hey! When you're done, can I look at that?
No!
Hello? Delivery.
A delivery here.
Stop trying to find out what happened to hope!
Hey! Who are you?
Come back here! I need to speak to you! Please!
Oh, no. Where did you go?
Please tell me, why don't you want me
to find out what's wrong with hope?
Where are you?
Not so fast.
You know, they say the toenails are the teeth of the foot.
If that's true, I'd say
you got a pretty nice set of fangs here.
Think you're funny?
Pretty cheeseball if you ask me.
Well, the same thing could be said
about your record-setting toe jam.
Hey, you're that delivery boy
for that place Bart's on the other side of the park, aren't you?
Why, thank you, captain obvious.
That's not my name.
It's willens, and i manage this place.
And I don't like you snooping around.
If I see you around here again,
I'm gonna make sure i call the--
hey. You almost hit me with that.
How'd you like it if I loaded one up.
Go ahead,
make my day.
You gotta be joking.
Hey, I was just clearing my nasal passages.
You were the one making a thing of it.
All right. All right.
Now, don't go doing anything rash.
Take your fingers off the nostril.
You first.
Same time.
Aah!
Eat it, willens.
Go ahead.
Pull the trigger.
Pull on this.
Get lost, hoss.
At this point the only thing I'd figured out
is why a detective is sometimes called a dick.
'Cause that's exactly what I'd found out.
As a sleuth investigating the mystery of hope,
I had to find a new strategy.
Man: Hey, Sam! Your rent is due!
Hey, hope! Look at this!
Hope!
Hey, hope, come to the window!
Look at this!
Hey, come on, hope! Look at this, this is funny!
Hi. Hey.
Ok, look, I have to ask you something,
and you have to promise not to laugh.
Promise.
Ever since I met you, i always wanted
to take you to dinner and the movies.
Ok.
Just this once.
Yeah.
Give me a sec, ok?
Yeah, sure.
So, do you think that hope is cute?
Uh, yeah, she is such a fox.
I think so, too.
Get your hands off of her.
Shh. Shut up.
Come on in.
Thank you.
Oh, wow. I love what you've done to the place.
It's got a real sort of post-modern miss haversham look to it.
Yeah, don't mind the mess.
It's ok.
Here you go.
So, i--i hear you used to be a model?
If we're gonna talk about me,
you're gonna have to leave.
Ha ha ha ha.
Sorry.
It's just, uh, the other day when you found me,
you know, I sort of feel like you, uh...
Like, you saved me, and, um...
I--i just, I wanted to say thank you.
I was gonna make some coffee. Do you want any?
Yeah, sure.
So, you know, like I said, the other day, when I saw you...
Um, you know what, actually?
You don't owe me anything, you know, it's...
I know I don't owe you anything.
Yeah, well...
I'm just trying to be your friend.
Do you want any, um, cream or sugar?
Uh, I'll-- I'll get some sugar.
I mean, I'm just trying to be your friend.
That's what friends do, right? They help each other out.
I'm gonna-- I'm gonna ask you to leave, actually.
What?
Yeah, I shouldn't have done this, and...
I just said I was trying to be your friend.
I'm gonna give you money for the meal.
No, no. The meal's on me.
Yes, Sam, please, will you just go? No, no, no!
Will you take the money?
No, I'm not gonna take money for the meal, no.
No, forget it. I'm not gonna take--no!
No, the meal--no! Please!
No, the meal's on me.
Please, will you at least go Dutch with me?
Ok.
Don't have to be so difficult.
Aah! Aah!
It's me, Sam. It's Annie.
I just couldn't hear over the washing machines.
I forgot I had that thing on.
It's a facial massager.
It's supposed to tighten the muscles in my face
so that i look thinner.
Of course it is.
I think this piece goes there,
and this piece goes here.
You're still missing some pieces.
Mm-hmm.
Why don't you draw in the missing parts?
You went to the art institute, right?
Oh, I never finished.
I was so bad, they made me turn in my beret.
The royal academy of velvet painters won't accept me.
Can't even get my work shown in the contemporary museum of stick figure art.
Oh, who cares?
The curators of that museum
have sticks up their butt,
and velvet painting died with Elvis,
and berets, they're not even real hats.
You know, I've always thought that.
I mean, it's got no brim,
doesn't cover your ears.
Nope.
It's not a hat, it's a goddamned cap,
that's what it is.
Why do you have a pen attached to your hip?
Because I am the fastest draw in the west.
Really?
I had a bit of a mishap at my prom.
I don't put pens in my pockets anymore.
It's a bit of a long story.
You ever think about how far an artist's hand has travelled?
Look at yourself sketching.
Your fingers are in constant motion.
Every time you shade,
the pen moves a couple inches a second.
That's gotta add up.
This hand has travelled long distances,
especially in the shower.
Seriously...
Do you know what my favorite part
of being an artist is?
It's the most honest profession in the world.
How's that?
You can pretty much fake being good
at any other profession,
but as an artist,
either your drawing is good or it's bad.
An artist just has to lay everything on the line.
Yeah, literally.
Hey, wait a second.
I've seen this somewhere before.
Gretchen: Here's the album you wanted to borrow.
It took me a really long time to find it.
I never listen to them anymore.
Welcome.
"How to see your ex-girlfriend
and live to tell about it."
That is the subject of today's class.
Sam, you didn't have to concoct some story
about wanting to borrow some music from me
just to have an excuse to see me.
First, the guy must act nice
to prove that he can handle the break up maturely.
No, I really wanted to borrow the album...
But it is great to see you.
Hey, you finally got your forehead pierced. Looks good.
Being nice only makes the ex think he wants to get back together,
so, she, with undisguised pleasure, reminds him
that she is the dumper and he is the dumpee. Pbbt.
I am flattered you called,
but I broke up with you, remember?
This doesn't mean that I want to hook up with you again.
This unwarranted rejection
hurts like a kick to the shins.
Really, Sam...
Aah!
The second punishment sneaks up on you like a snake!
Sss!
No! Go!
I'm hot. I'm thirsty.
Hey, whatever happened to those size 14 guys?
They cut one album, then disappeared.
The evil she-dumper tortures the poor dumpee
with flirtations he tries to avoid.
Did your tongue finally heal up, Sam?
Uh, yeah, it's never better.
Really? It was pretty good before.
Holden: The she-dumper is a big prick tease.
Does the scar tickle the roof of your mouth, Sam?
Yeah, it does. You should feel it.
When the dumped chump flirts back,
she stops flirting...
Sam, I told you, we are definitely over!
Giving him a bad case of blue balls.
I think I should be a lawyer,
but then again, i want to be a vet.
The final torment is the worst.
What are we talking about?
I can't do any of those things.
I suck.
No, you're really smart.
You can do anything you set your mind to.
By the way, where am I taking you?
We're going to meet Carl.
I want you to be nice to him.
He's my new boyfriend.
It's a ball-buster.
Sam, this is Carl.
Hi.
Sam: This album cover,
how did ripping it up
connect to what was ripping up hope's heart?
I played this album until my ears bled.
I hope the lyrics might provide some insight to me
or to anyone else who'll listen to it.
Man: Turn down that music!
Please, listen!
Aah! Aah!
Hey, thanks for listening.
By the way, what are you today?
The Vietnam war memorial.
Do you like music?
Hey, whatcha doin' back there?
Gettin' ready to battle in the corporate jungle?
Is that your war paint?
God, why do I even try with her?
Do you mind if I call China?
Hey, why do you have your pager number on speed dial?
Oh, my god.
What are you doing?
Uh, nothing. I mean...
You know, I was just trying to make conversation.
How come you won't give me the time of day?
Just give me my coffee.
No, not until you give me some answers.
Give it to me.
No. Give me some straight answers
or the Espresso gets it.
Look, I got a lot on my mind today,
and I don't have time
to be dealing with somebody like you.
Someone like me?
What are you saying? I'm a lowly delivery guy?
I don't get it, you know?
You women have always been treated like crap
by your boy's club bosses,
and now that you career girls
have finally clawed your way to the top,
why do you treat people below you the same way, huh?
Maybe I wouldn't have to act like such a bitch on wheels
if you guys weren't so angry that I made more money than you.
Now, give it to me!
Pretty cranky in the morning without your caffeine fix, huh?
You know what makes me angry with women sometimes?
I am a gentleman.
I always open doors for women,
but when a woman is in front of me at an entrance,
9 times out of 10,
she doesn't hold the door open for me.
You want men to treat you as equals,
but you won't give equal treatment to men.
What do you want?
Respect.
A "hello," a "how are you?" With feeling
would be great for starters.
Ok, how about "a good-bye" and "to hell with you"?
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Stay.
Willens: 5 bucks an hour.
Plumber can blow me.
Stop trying to find out what happened to hope.
Sam: See, all I have to do is find the girl
who has this scar on her behind--
and boom!
You can crack the case.
What are you doing?!
Ohh.
Woman: I hope that water's not too cold!
Rose petal, rose petal, beauty.
Today, I'm my vagina.
To really complete that assignment,
you should add an orgasm to it.
Ohh, yeah!
Ohh...
Ahh...
Uhh!
Harder!
Uhh!
Deeper!
Ohh, yes! Yes!
Do you know that phrase
"behind every great man, there's a great woman"?
I'm sort of afraid that I'll never be a great man
because I can't get my great woman.
I prefer the corollary:
"Behind every great woman, there's a great man."
Look, I'm serious, here, man.
I mean, is it impossible to become a great man
without a great woman?
Oh, what is this?
W-we don't stock these!
Oh, I ordered those for me!
Older & bolder magazine?!
Grannies and fannies illustrated?!
Wide load review?!
Stump monthly?!
Shut up!
I'm tired of you acting like
you're from the buckle of the Bible belt.
At least I have faced the awful truth.
What awful truth?
I am gross.
All men are,
and every day, we face the endless nightmare
that love handle by love handle,
nose hair by nose hair,
we are becoming more grotesque versions
of the cute boys we once were.
It is impossible to stop the hordes of time
from destroying our muscle tone
and leave us with these defeated, saggy male boobies!
But I am at peace.
I have come to grips with the horror
that has become me.
So how does moist & midget magazine
improve your image?
Because men are gross on the inside, too.
That's why these magazines sell.
A woman's pussy mound is a slippery slope.
Sex is a narcotic, and you, my friend,
are addicted just like me,
only you're at the smoking marijuana stage.
I'm at the heroin stage.
Yeah, more like the speedballing stage.
Good one.
Now my point is
an addict needs a bigger and bigger fix each time
just to get the same high.
That's why they move on to the hard stuff.
Uh, now sex is the same way.
You gotta get somethin' kinkier and kinkier
just to get the same thrill in your drill.
Ok, so, hence America's hairiest magazine?
Now, I don't know if America's hairiest
is gonna get me donkey dick,
but I'm a stoner for a boner,
and these magazines are somebody's fix.
They might get my pecker high, they might not.
You are so far off,
you're not even wrong.
It is so much better with a woman, man.
Don't fool yourself.
The straight screw is the methadone of sex.
It'll keep you from the hard stuff for a while,
but sooner or later,
you will roll off your old lady
just like an addict falls off the wagon.
Accept it, Sam.
You and I are alike.
Your weirdness is one step away from my grossness,
and, look, you enrolled in art school
so you could see naked women.
That is no different than me looking at dirty pictures.
It's completely different.
One is art, the other is pornography.
Yes, but once you start down that dark path,
forever will it dominatrix your destiny!
Join me!
Whoosh!
I'll never join you!
Whoosh!
It's in your blood, Sam.
I am your cousin.
No!
Now, Holden and i did have some of the same DNA,
and this meant that I could have the same genetic inclination as him
towards becoming the grand pooh-bah of perversion.
It had me spooked.
All: Trick or treat!
I should have guessed.
Who are you supposed to be?
I'm popeye.
And what am I supposed to be?
You, my dear, are a freudian slip.
You know what i can't stand? Mm-mmm.
People who aren't who they say they are,
like, take for instance,
wise old mahatma Gandhi.
Did you know that in a speech
advocating non-violent protest,
he once said that Mussolini wasn't a bad man?
You know, I had the same feeling
when I saw a comic book about the pope.
I mean, what does the pope need a comic book for?
Yeah, and who are the idiots
that want to read a comic book on the pope?
Yeah, exactly, like,
what do I want, Batman or the pope?
Like, the popemobile is as cool as the Batmobile.
Come on.
I'm gonna get some more candy.
Ok. I mean, don't get me wrong or anything.
I'm not a Bible-basher.
I'm an equal-opportunity curmudgeon,
and I also hate the jerks
on the other end of the spectrum.
You know the ones.
Got those old beat-up cars
with the bumper sticker on the bottom there
that says, like, you know,
"don't laugh. Your daughter might be in the trunk."
His name is Richard Blaine.
I think he's the peckerhead
who broke hope's heart.
Yeah. This party is the perfect place
for us to get the girls
to give us the skinny on him.
Gotcha. Let's probe.
Ahh!
You know, my friend Richard Blaine
used to do an acting exercise exactly like that.
This isn't an exercise.
This is how I dance.
Ooh, ooh, ahh!
So, uh, do you know a guy named Richard Blaine?
Carl!
Has anyone ever told you you got a rack
that should be bronzed?
Beat it.
Yeah, my friend Richard Blaine
loves puzzles like this.
Do you know him?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Did you get it done?
Yeah.
Ooh!
Hey, hey, wait!
How do you get out of this thing?!
What you doin', finger fuckin'?
No. It's a Chinese finger puzzle.
See, the harder i pull,
the more stuck i become.
Yeah, that happened to me once,
except it wasn't in a puzzle.
It was in an Asian chick.
What was her name?
Chewme wang. Ohh.
You know, this thing has got me thinkin'.
Hope is a lot like this puzzle.
The harder I try,
the further i get away from solving it.
If you want to find out what happened to hope,
do exactly as I say
and keep absolutely quiet.
Now wait here.
If you want to have
the greatest sex of your life,
do exactly as I say.
Ooh...Kinky.
You know what gets me hot?
Doing it in complete silence.
Shh.
What are you doing?
Sam?
Holden?
I told you to stop trying to find out
what happened to hope,
but you wouldn't listen.
You know that Chinese finger puzzle?
Yeah.
It doesn't just work on fingers.
Aah! Aah!
Oh, god! Holden, lower your puppy!
Lower your puppy!
Hey, it's the wise guy.
Aah! Ooh! Aah!
This way. Come on, this way!
This way--whoa!
Aah! Aah!
Ohh! Ohh!
Aah! Ohh!
Now, cough.
Sam: Oh, man, my heart's beatin' so fast,
I can't reduce the blood flow, you know?
You guys have been in that bathroom a long time.
What's the holdup?
How you doin', Holden?
No luck.
Man, I need inspiration.
I need impotence- inspiring imagery.
Yeah. Aha.
What is this?
Check out this fat chick.
Now, she is a real bahama mama.
She is fatty, fatty, fat-fat.
Ohh, I think it's workin'.
Sam: Is it?
Yes, it...Is! Really?
Ohh... Ohh...
Nothin' like somethin' saggy
to make you go soggy.
Here, try it, Sam.
It's you, isn't it?
Hey, what do you say i take you out
for a cup of coffee?
No, I can't.
My mascara's all smeared.
Ohh, and I smeared my eyebrow tint.
It's ok. It's ok.
You can just wipe it off.
I can't. I just spilled the remover.
I'm a freak.
Hey... Come on, Annie.
Let me take you out.
See?
We can be freaks together.
People back then used to call me gargantu-Ann.
Now I'm what they'd call
nothing special, nothing scary.
I think you're very cute.
Thanks.
Let me see.
That's pretty good.
When I was a little kid,
they used to say that I looked like
one of those strange Dr. Seuss creatures.
They called me "Sam I am," you know?
From green eggs and ham?
And when they teased me,
you know what I used to do to cheer myself up?
"I like to eat them when they're hot.
I'd also eat them mixed with snot."
"I'll eat them in the morning dew,
I'll eat them till i have to spew."
"I like to eat green eggs and ham."
Both: "Yes, I do, Sam I am."
Well, good night, Sam I am.
Good night, Annie.
Hey, Tanya, are you ok?
Ohh!
Aah!
Tanya, are you home?!
It's Peggy. Open up!
Tanya: Ohh! Tanya!
Where you been? I've been calling.
My phone's off the hook.
This is your big break.
What are you talking about?
There's a breaking story on spring street,
now? And Charles says it runs.
They want you on camera!
Oh, my god! Now!
I'm serious, man.
Her pager is her vibrator.
I always wondered why she set her pager number
on speed dial.
It's that new speed dilate service.
Ohh!
Ow. Ohh.
Ohh-ho-ho!
Man, we gotta stop laughing.
I'm still recovering from that Chinese puzzle.
Yeah. Hurts, doesn't it?
Hey.
Hi. We're at loyola high school
with Mr. delgado and--
do you know her pager number?
Uh...I think it was, like...
555-0068...
Or something.
Why?
Testing out your theory.
No, Holden, don't!
Uhh! Hey! Unh! Give me that!
Uhh! You know what your problem is, Sam?
You're pussy-whipped, and you're not even getting any pussy.
This Tanya is treating you like scum,
and you stand up for her
because she makes your pecker stand up.
Now give me the phone! Give me that!
No. Go screw yourself, man.
Precisely.
That is the only way to stop a woman
from using your dick as a stick shift
and driving you around town
on a full tank of your hormones.
Ohh! Take it from me, Sam.
I cannot tell you the number of times
a girl's got me to fix her car
or paint her house
or take her husband to the airport.
Or go to the damn farmer's market
and sit through the pain-in-the-ass opera.
Shut up, Jason, shut up!
No, Jason's right.
Jason's a meathead, but he's right.
Now, listen, Sam.
I did all kinds of these things
because a guy's backed-up balls
are the biggest reservoir of hope
this world has ever seen!
You know, trying to get laid by fixing a fan belt
is your fault, Holden, yours!
Oh, Samuel, you are so full of man gravy.
Now, listen.
You need to be more like me
and take matters into your own hands.
Why do you think they call it masturbate?
Because it allows you
to be the master of your own fate.
And it's not just a physical release.
It is a release of women's control over you.
Jason!
If you don't need them,
they can't manipulate you.
I'm doing this for your own good.
Today is your independence day, Sam.
That...If anyone
deserves, heh, a...Ahh...
And, um...
Miracles can happen!
Uhh! Huh!
Aah!
Holden, you're such a...
Unh!
A dick.
And so are you.
Ohh!
Sam: After standing up for Tanya,
I decided I should stand up for myself,
especially with the evil she-dumper Gretchen.
You know what, Gretchen?
It just occurred to me.
You're just like this bike.
I'm cold and thirsty.
You're so directionless.
I don't know what I want to do.
On one hand, I could be a graphic designer,
or I could be a singer,
or I could be a doctor,
or I could be a pet detective,
or I could be--
and I'm always pumping up your ego,
like... You're very creative.
I'm creative?
You're very smart.
I'm smart?
You're very sexy.
I'm sexy?
I am sexy.
You're really high-maintenance.
Come on, let's go.
But Carl's the other way.
Yeah, but i gotta go now.
Yeah, but you wouldn't even have this bike
if I hadn't given you mine.
You know what? It's your bike, and you can keep it,
because it's a real piece of work.
All right. Unh!
I'll give it to Carl.
I don't need you to ride my bike.
Hey, what happened to the brakes?
Sam, help!
Hope: Sugar with the coffee, right?
Sam: Yeah, please.
You know what I saw on the shopping channel the other day?
No.
Oh, they're selling action figures of the pope.
Really? Heh.
What are you doing with my box?
Oh, thought we could play checkers.
So what do you do when there's something
you really want...
But you know you can never have it?
Uh, you become a delivery guy for your uncle.
I mean, becoming an artist,
is that what you always wanted to do?
Yeah.
So then why did you quit?
Because a favorite teacher told me I couldn't draw.
Well, you know, people are wrong all the time.
Why don't you draw me?
Hmm, forget it.
I used to pose for art classes all the time.
I--i could never do you justice.
If you draw me,
I'll show you my etchings.
Uh, well, I'm sure your etchings
are a masterpiece.
You really need to see the crosshatching
to appreciate it.
Let's see.
No. It's terrible.
Come on. Let me see.
I let you see.
That's not terrible.
Why do you think it's bad?
Look at the spacial relationships.
They're too exaggerated.
It barely looks like you.
I made you funny-looking.
It's like a 5-year-old did this.
Hey, I was just watching a special on Picasso.
You know what he said about his own drawings?
That he strived to draw like a child
because he said that a child's drawings aren't affected by rules,
and they are extremely expressive.
They truthfully show what's inside the child.
Yeah, but I wasn't striving to draw like a child.
It just happened by mistake.
Maybe our mistakes are really our style.
Maybe...Maybe we make mistakes
because deep down we really want to make them.
I lost my job thanks to you.
I didn't make those calls.
All right? It was my cousin Holden.
His dad owns this place.
It's true. I tried to stop him.
Mm-hmm. You're lying.
No, really.
Holden and me got into a big fight about it.
Oh, yeah, right.
Just because I'm a guy
doesn't mean I'm out to screw you.
Why do you hate men so much?
Women are just superior to men.
Like how?
Like you can't have babies.
Like you can't open jars of peanut butter.
Women mature faster than men.
Men are faster getting out of the bathroom in the morning.
All serial killers are men.
Almost all cereal box mascots are men.
Women can have multiple orgasms.
We don't have to fake them.
Women live longer than men.
It's the only way we can get away from you.
You can't take anything seriously.
You can't take a joke.
I don't need a man for a thing.
You just set your beeper on vibrate.
Ok! So put your hands up, hairball!
That is real good, pretty lady.
Ohh! Heh heh, that's--
ok, here it is. Here's the deal.
Hey! I said put your hands up!
I don't want any funny business.
There are 20,000 comedians out of work,
and I don't need you to act funny like a bump on a log.
Now let me tell you what this is all about.
Every day I come in here, I say,
"hey, pal, can you spare a cup of coffee,
cream, a little sugar, a little sugar?"
And every day, every damn day,
you give me ragtime.
Well, guess what? Today you're on the rag.
You understand what I'm saying? It's your turn.
So I want you to open that cash register,
take out all the cash,
and while you're at it, let's see...
Unh! Unh!
Give me a pack of smokes-- ultra-light 100s--
uh, a package of breath mints...
Uhh! And--and, uh,
wet lubricant stuff.
I'm gonna party tonight. I am.
And you know what? I'm gonna party on your dime.
Ohh! Aah!
Would you stop dancing?
Uhh!
You don't want to get me pissed off!
Ohh!
Aah! Ohh!
Ohh!
If you do not open
that cash register drawer--
Tanya: Ohh!
Uhh! Ohh!
Oh, god.
Ohh! Uhh!
I thought you said you didn't need a man for anything?
Ohh, please.
You couldn't have done that without me.
Hope. Come on, hope, open up.
Sam.
They're evicting you.
Yeah, that's what happens, ok,
when you don't go to work,
get a paycheck, and pay your rent.
Would you please just leave?
No. I'm not leaving until I get some answers.
You're not helping.
Well, then at least tell me when this is gonna be over.
I don't know.
I keep looking for proof.
Proof of what?
Sam, you've been really sweet.
Mmm.
I think it's best we say good-bye now.
Hey...
I'm not gonna leave.
I'll stay out here forever if I have to.
Hey, I heard you and hope before.
I baked you this. It's chocolate. My favorite.
Nah. No, thanks.
It'll make you feel better, really.
Every time I was sad, i had one of these.
Does it work?
It worked for me hundreds of times.
You should keep it, then, you know?
Hello, my name is Annie, I'm a chocoholic.
I've been cocoa-free for one year, 3 months, and 6 days.
I have a bite of this, and I'm an addict again.
Ok, I'm sorry, i--i forgot.
Let me give it a taste here.
Mmm, that's good.
Did you know that chocolate
has the same chemical in it
that your body produces when you're in love?
Is that true?
I mean, I don't know for sure.
I've...
Never been in love before,
but that's what they say.
You have nice legs.
No.
Please, just stop looking at them.
Hey, let me see your butt.
No! I don't want you to see my legs.
I certainly am not gonna let you see my butt!
No, no, no. It just occurred to me.
I never checked out your butt
to see if it has the scar--
no, I don't have a scar.
Come on, let me see it. No, no.
It's not a big deal.
Just stop it.
Don't worry, Annie.
No one needs to look at your behind.
You can just let big, strong, handsome guy like me
get in touch with miss sweet cheeks.
That's not fair.
Mr. hand gets to have all the fun.
That's not true, seņor chin.
Johnny one-eye gets to have all the fun.
Correction, sir belly.
Johnny one-eye is locked up tight.
He never gets to see the light of day.
You can't keep me in here forever.
I will rise again.
Oh, Johnny.
I hate it when we're apart.
You are the Shakespeare of body part theater.
Well...
If this is the theater,
then I think you're missing something.
A woman so beautiful...
Needs a diamond necklace when she goes to a show.
Hmm.
You like that? Hmm.
Well, if you were my date,
then you are a little bit underdressed,
I think.
Ooh, please, give me a kiss.
No, no! A real kiss!
Please give me a real kiss.
Whoo-hoo!
How 'bout one with some tongue?
Nghh-nghh!
Ohh!
You!
Sam: Hey, Annie.
Hey, Sam I am.
Does this building have a storage place?
Yeah, and a basement. Why?
Mmm, I thought maybe hope had stored something down there.
Maybe we can find something out.
What?
Um, nothing.
I just...
Kind of figured we were together.
We are together.
Look, I'm so happy right now.
Then why are you still trying to find out
what's wrong with hope?
Because she's my friend.
Don't go down there.
Hey, look...
Nothing's wrong, ok?
It's ok.
Please, Sam?
Why? Are you jealous?
Uh...I don't know.
I'm new at this. I told you,
it's the first time I've had a real boyfriend.
Just makes me feel funny.
It's ok.
Just do one thing for me--
what?
Just stop trying to help hope.
No, I can't. I'm sorry.
She's my friend. I'm not going to abandon her.
Hah!
Hyuh!
Hyah!
Huh? That's right, motherfucker!
That's right!
Oof!
Aaah!
There's the peeping tom!
He's in the wall! He's in the wall!
He's in the wall, girls! Help me!
Aah!
Get him, girls! Get him!
Aaaah!
Ow!
Are you ok?
Annie.
Annie, come on, open the door, please.
I don't want to see you anymore.
You made your choice.
Come on, please, Annie. Open the door.
Go away.
I should have figured it was you.
Hold him still.
Wait! I can explain!
How's that portable pocket pussy going?
That's not what it is.
Yeah, sure it is.
Look at that thing.
Get a little nickname for it.
Call it sucky sue.
I know you just can't wait
to get your tongue in there and lube it up.
Shut up! It's my turn to talk.
This device is for my--
important problem.
I can't even say the word,
but, uh, let's just say that that's how it's spelled,
like important.
You know how drug addicts do so many drugs
they can't get high anymore?
Well, that's what happened to me, man.
I have overdosed on hardcore,
and now I can't get a hard-on.
Sam: While Holden was telling me about his important problem,
that's when I heard it.
Announcer, on radio: What was Humphrey bogart's character's name
in the classic film Casablanca?
Woman, on radio: Richard Blaine.
Announcer: Richard Blaine.
That was the name of the character.
What? Oh. Here, I'll shut it off.
Announcer: You're the winner of $500, Dan.
Congratulations. Tune in tomorrow...
Shouldn't have got that used.
Sam: Richard Blaine,
as in "play it again, Sam."
Might as well have been, "you've been played, Sam."
But I wasn't gonna be played any longer.
I now had a hunch.
I just needed to test it.
Mr. willens, please let me by this one last time.
You take one more step forward,
you're gonna find yourself in chunks
in my stool.
And no one's gonna care.
Unh! Ohh!
Heh heh heh.
I'm just protecting the girls
from the likes of you.
You're the one they need protection from.
Yeah? Who's gonna believe you?
They will, when they find out
that you're the grossest man alive.
The second grossest.
Let my friend go.
How are you gonna make me do that?
Aaah!
Aaah! Aaah!
Ha-chee-mama!
Ohh!
Ooh!
Come on, girls!
Willens: That's all you've got?
Ohh! Oh!
Hello, ladies.
So that's my story.
And I can tell by the looks on your faces
there's gonna be only one way
I'll convince you to let me go.
Will you let me show you?
See, this is irrefutable proof
that men are gross.
Wait, I should be more precise--
men without women are absolutely gross.
Aaaaah!
Heh heh heh heh!
Rrrraaaaaah!
Whoo! Whoo!
I did all of this,
everything, for a woman.
Men need you.
Men need women to save us from ourselves.
All right. Let him go.
Willens: Aaah!
Aaaaah!
I brought you down, you circus freak!
Whoo!
So you're the one who paged me, huh?
Um...How did you find out?
Sam. He told me you guys had a falling out over it.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Well, he was right.
Men are gross.
And I am the perfect example.
Yeah, well, he forgot to mention one thing--
that men can also be heroic.
I think that's a pretty noble thing that you did,
coming to his rescue.
Why'd you do it?
Uh, I didn't-- i didn't want him
to end up like me.
Hey.
Hi. I just--
I wanted to make sure after the other night
that we're still good. We're still friends?
Of course.
How did you know?
All the clues, they were red herrings.
What's going on?
Please don't be mad.
I don't even know where to start.
Well, why don't you start by telling me
if you've really been sad for all these months.
Yes.
The whole time. Will you please sit?
I lost someone really close to me.
Jesse. He was my best friend
in the whole world ever since I can remember.
You kind of need some hair up there.
6 months ago, everything changed.
Jesse!
What?
What are you doing?
What am i--
I'm just tired of being friends, hope.
You know?
I want to be your boyfriend.
All right? I mean, haven't you ever...
Haven't you ever thought of me that way before?
Uh...Not really.
I mean, you've always been a true friend.
You know? Someone that I can trust,
like a brother.
You know, you've always been this guy
that has never failed to make me smile.
Uh...
That's all nice, you know,
but I want more than this, ok?
If I wanted a friend, I'd go hang out with the guys.
Men don't want female friends.
All men want are girlfriends.
So why don't we just...
Why don't we just kiss
and see if there's any sparks between us, ok?
Jesse...
Jesse, please, don't!
I don't get this.
Last week I see you make out with some guy in the rain
after knowing him for an hour,
but you won't kiss me?
Hope, I've known you all my life.
Let's just kiss and see how it feels.
All right? Let's just kiss.
Jesse, no!
Just--just give me--
please! Stop!
Oh, my god! Get off!
You owe me this, hope, ok?
Just give me a rotten kiss.
Get off! Stop it!
Just shut up! Give me a kiss!
Stop it! Get off!
Get off me!
Ow!
Hope: That's when i came to believe
that I could never trust a man's friendship
because a man was only doing it
because he wanted more.
And if I couldn't trust a man as a friend,
how could I ever trust a man as a lover?
Then I met you again.
Hope!
Hello, Sam.
Hope: I told Annie about everything
'cause she and i had become really close.
He's at it again.
If Sam could prove that he was your true friend,
would you let him be your true love?
And what is Santa claus bringing you for Christmas?
Annie.
Couldn't hurt to see how far he'll go.
Ever since I met you,
I wanted to take you to dinner and the movies.
He's out there.
What do I do?
He just wants to know why you're so sad.
Let's give him some clues.
An album cover? That's not a clue.
But Sam doesn't know that.
We should just stop, ok?
I'm gonna be even more depressed
when Sam turns out to be just like Jesse.
We can't. We're in too deep.
Oh, here he comes. Here he comes.
I cried my eyes out.
Oh, and then write that Richard Blaine
knows nothing about love.
Finally, something presented itself.
I think Sam likes me.
Just do one thing for me.
Stop trying to help hope.
Hope: I didn't plan for this final test.
No.
She's my friend.
I can't abandon her.
But it all seemed worth it.
You still wanted to be my friend,
even after you had a girlfriend,
and at the risk of losing a girlfriend.
And that's when I had proof that you were for real.
You were a true friend.
And now I've fallen completely in love with you.
Then why aren't you smiling now?
Because you're not smiling.
What do you expect?
I knew I was weird,
but I didn't know i was stupid.
Sam, you're not stupid, ok?
And what you think is weird,
I find charming.
And what you call accidentally funny,
I call plain funny.
It's the way to a woman's heart, Sam,
by making her smile.
And you've made me smile.
Yeah, but all of this,
none of it's real.
This is real.
Carl, schnell! Schnell!
It hurts!
God! Hurry up, you idiot!
What's wrong with you?
These painkiller's suck! You suck!
Aah!
Ohh, dumbkopf!
Where'd everything go?
Dumpster.
That willens guy gave me the willies.
That could have been me in a year.
Months maybe.
Yeah. I know the feeling.
Aren't you gonna need some of this stuff?
Not since Tanya and i hooked up.
All right.
I'm happy for you, my friend.
Sam?
Check this out.
Come on! That's funny.
Mm! Talk to me.
What?
I'm not blind.
Something's wrong if the cartoon on my ass
isn't making you smile.
No, I'm ok.
You've got a problem.
You love me,
but you think you might also love Annie.
No, I don't.
Well, she loves you.
I mean, she didn't plan it, but it happened.
And I know you care for her, too.
And I love you, Sam,
and I want you so bad,
and there's a million smiles ahead for us to share.
And I could make you love me more.
But it's time for me to be a friend to you.
What are you talking about?
I'm not letting you go,
but I'm setting you free.
You have to decide for yourself.
Annie, look, i need to talk to you.
What do you want?
You know what is worse
than not being able to find someone's smile?
No.
Making someone lose theirs.
I want to help you get yours back.
I'll find it myself.
Think it's at the bottom
of this chocolate chocolate chip.
Look, Annie, i love you.
That's kind of hard for me to believe,
considering everything you've done for her.
Look, it's true.
You remember all those drawings i did the other night
when I was camped outside of hope's door?
They weren't of her. They were of you.
They're all of you.
I mean, that means something, right?
You're confused.
You've hurt gargantu-Ann,
the girl who's fat, but has a great personality.
Now you feel guilty.
You think you care about me,
but it's just pity.
Good-bye, Sam.
No, Annie, don't.
I'm not leaving here until you look at these.
Annie, please!
Hey! What's in the case?
Got any dirty pictures in here?
Give it back.
Hey, you know, the cops came by
and talked to me the other day.
Now I gotta take this cab down to the station
and answer some more questions.
Those drawings are irreplaceable.
Will you just please give them back?
Hey! These are all the same girl.
That bitch Annie.
Give it back.
Why should I?
Look, if you do, i won't tell the cops
that you were in those passageways.
I need those drawings
to show Annie how much i care for her.
If I lose the drawings, I'm gonna lose Annie.
Now give them back!
You know, I may be the pervert the cops are looking for,
but I'm not goin' down for it.
Uh-uh.
No, I think I'm gonna keep these.
See, I think the cops may be curious about these,
all the same girl?
Looks to me like you got an obsession.
I think the cops are gonna perk up
when I tell them you've been stalkin' her.
See you in court, sport.
Aah! Aah!
No!
Let him go, willens!
Undercover detective. You're under arrest.
What? I didn't do nothin'.
Oh, yeah!
I wasn't on my knees praying all those times.
I was on my knees planting listening devices.
We know all about you.
Get in.
11th precinct, please.
I think somebody's lost their smile.
Woman: I got it!
Come on, girls! We can't lose one single paper!
Go, go, go!
Here you go, Sam.
Thank you.
Here you go, Sam.
Here! Way to go, Sam.
Found this. I got a stack.
Here's one! Good luck.
Annie!
Annie, come to the window!
Please!
Annie! Come on!
Come to the window!
Please, Annie!
Women: Aww!
Annie, look at it!
Come on, please! Really look at it!
Annie, are you crazy?
Can't you see how much Sam cares about you?
Annie, I love you!
This is the only way
I can get you to see how I feel.